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sparklingpax · 2 years

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Right Now, Right Here

A/n:

-helppp this title 💀 in my defense (both the title and for the fic) I wrote this over a year ago, and I only rediscovered it today? Um, I can't write??? I did make a few edits here and there but....welp, I guess I'll just hide in my corner again.

-yea so also, there might be typos. I was supposed to post this earlier but I edited and checked this at like 1 am, while incredibly exhausted, and now I'm in a class (💀) I can't inspect this too closely at the moment so...just pretend you didn't see anything if you do--

-set in canon! I have yet to show y'all any writing for my AU 😹 im a bit scared to ngl

-context: Metalhawk went out for a patrol without telling anyone and was gone for a lil too long, so Ginrai asked the others where he was and they all kinda just '*shrug* the grocery store? haha no idk.' So he tracks him and gets there just as Overlord is leaving; he'd jumped Hawk while he was still in his semi-human looking form and Hawk tried to put up a fight but was really ambushed and attacked so fast that he had a panic response and couldn't fight properly. Overlord only left because he thought he'd killed him, but clearly, he did not. And then *gestures* all this other stuff happens

-YES im on my Ginhawk Agenda™ bullshit again, just leave if you're not interested, don't be mean about it...

-angst kinda? some tw for injury stuff but idt it's too graphic or anything.

-dear me from a year ago, dont use ur school accounts google docs to write bad angst please look what youve done 💀

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“Hawk?”

Ginrai finally caught sight of the Pretender commander in the distance, and feeling his heart skip a beat at what he saw. He sprinted over as quickly as he could.

He came upon the lone birch tree, standing in solitude amidst an otherwise empty clearing, and knelt carefully next to Hawk, who kept a quivering arm tightly to his side as he laid, huddled into himself on the ground, covered only partially in his armor plating.

Evidently, most of it had been…severly damaged in the skirmish between him and Overlord.

Ginrai swallowed, quickly deactivating the glass visor over his eyes and the metal padding around his hands, so the cold and tough metal wouldn’t cause Hawk any more pain.

Vaguely, he noticed the way his own hands were shaking as he reached out, and he felt his breath catch as his fingers touched the ice-cold skin of his wounded partner.

For all the times he was the only one left standing in any fight, it was certainly jarring to see him so feeble, in so much pain….

The Autobot leader took a deep breath, trying to not think too much about the blue and red streaks of blood and energon soiling the earth around where Hawk lay, over Hawk himself.

It was Overlord’s, he tried convincing himself.

But the twinge of queasy fear in his stomach disagreed.

Hawk’s eyes shot open at Ginrai’s touch, searching the aboveground for a moment before darting back to Ginrai. Shock made his heart pound, pulling him out of his half-consciousness and back to the present. He had stiffened, then immediately tried to life himself off the ground, only for his arms to give out. He fell back and hit the tree behind him.

He then held his arms over himself, as a shielding motion.

“N-no, don’t, please--” the Pretender suddenly sucked in a sharp breath, falling back into his crumpled position in the dirt, eyes squeezed shut and gripping his wound harder.

Ginrai flinched, arm jolting back.

He must still be in shock.

“Hawk,” he spoke softly, bent a little closer, but not too close. “It’s me, Ginrai.”

The wounded Pretender slowly opened his eyes again after a moment, searching Ginrai’s face for a few heartbeats before he seemed to realize what was happening.

“You’re alright. You’re safe now. I’m gonna get you back to HQ, okay?”

Hawk nodded slowly, gritting his teeth again as another wave of pain seemed to pass through him.

Ginrai couldn’t help but notice…far clearer than the fresh cuts and bruises, were the lines of exhaustion and pain dulling his face.

“D-don’t…” he struggled, swallowing before trying again. “Don’t worry, I’ll…be f-fine...”

Ginrai felt a surge of emotions. Regret, frustration, despair…something dark and negative.

Not at Hawk, but at himself.

But rather than say anything, he bowed his head, feeling a lump form in his throat. Hot tears welled at the edges of his vision.

Suddenly, could hear the sound of Hawk’s shuddering breaths, and reminded himself that this wasn’t the time to lose his cool.

He needs me. And I…need him.

So he again reached out and gently grasped one of Hawk’s hands, as a comforting motion.

“You’re alright. You’re with me, now,” he repeated, even more quietly than before.

Hawk gazed out into the grey sky with hazy eyes, expression laced with pain.

Every bone in his body--his fragile, human body–hurt. And he felt every cut on his paper-thin skin.

He couldn’t believe he’d fallen for such an obvious trap, and then couldn't hold his own ground.

He felt some of the panic return to his body, triggering another memory of the way that same panic had frozen his limbs in place, choking him before Overlord had at one point in the thrashing, reached out and did the same.

He'd demanded the location of the base. Over and over...and...

No. Get a hold of yourself. Feel the touch of Ginrai’s hands. You are safe.

His breathing eased.

You are safe.

Meanwhile, Ginrai had leaned closer, hands still gently wrapped around Hawk’s. His eyes flicked nervously from Hawk’s face--covered with dirt and blood--to the various wounds on his body, to the broken parts of his armor.

“Here--” he gently reached back and guided his boyfriend to a sitting position against the oak.

After a moment of silence, Ginrai drew back a little, still knelt in front of Hawk, and then began to speak in a stumbling manner.

“…I–I know I should have realized you were gone for too long much sooner, but I...was cleaning my truck–and, I know I should have tracked your signal the way you showed me, and–and–”

“Ginrai.”

The 19-year-old swallowed, trying to slow his breathing as he trailed off, clearly on the verge of tears. He was freaking out, and Hawk didn’t want him to feel bad.

The Pretender commander reached out and lightly touched Ginrai’s shoulder.

“You didn’t…d-do anything wrong…I should have–”

“No!! I’m the Autobot leader!!” Ginrai snapped, a little more aggressively than he’d intended, but it was hard for him to control his tone against the wave of emotions and fear that threatened to make him break down.

“I put myself in danger on a daily basis, and that’s ok. I signed up for this when I accepted leadership of this team, and I see the weight of that responsibility. But Hawk...”

He seemed to be losing the battle with his emotions as he softened his tone, looking away. His body shook as he started to cry.

“...I--I wouldn’t know what to do i-if anything…happened to you. No one on the team is supposed to die, not on my watch. And, after all is said and done, you’re…supposed to live longer than me, anyway.”

Hawk felt his blood run cold.

“I can’t…let you die before me….it wouldn’t be right.”

Those words seemed to weigh the air, hanging heavily in the short silence that followed.

Hawk stared ahead for a bit.

The uncomfortably familiar feeling of panic had seemingly returned to constrict his chest and throat. He felt his heart pounding out of his chest.

He knew Ginrai was right, but he’d always…avoided those thoughts.

He knew it from the moment he had realized that he was falling in love all those months ago.

He hadn’t known love like this on Cybertron, on any planet, or on this earth for all the time he’d been here before then. But…

“I’m s-sorry…” Ginrai whispered, suddenly unable to stop the emotion-driven words. "We both know it: I'm just a man--some mortal--but you…”

Hawk felt tears brim in his eyes. Ginrai's voice felt distant, yet the words cut straight to his heart.

“You're….an ancient Cybertronian, with centuries left to live...centuries I’ll never be alive to see…”

Reality was cruel.

It was nothing short of tyrannical.

And time? Always marching on, in its accursed, coldly unforgiving manner.

Fear had shadowed the trucker’s gaze. But not for fear of death itself.

It was fear for the final moment he would see Hawk’s kind face, and which he’d never see again once he would let his eyes close in those final–

No, no. This is wrong. I can’t think like this–I…don’t. I’m lashing out.

And it was at the sight of Hawk’s brown eyes, fixated on Ginrai, that caused guilt to well up from the pits of his stomach. They stared back at him with that same fear, dazed over with exhaustion and yet, burning with dread…

Without words, Hawk pulled Ginrai back into an embrace, almost desperately, grasping the cold metal plating with all his strength.

“P-please, don’t say that. I...won't leave you, s-so...don’t…leave me,” Hawk found himself whispering. He was shaking, tears rolling down his face. “We have…time, years...right n-now...”

Hawk trailed off, unable to speak anymore for the moment.

Crying was something that he almost never did, even after all the centuries he’d spent inhabiting this body.

It was a strange feeling as well as painful.

His body ached, right down to his bones. His side wound seared, begging him to return to laying carefully against the oak, but…he couldn’t remove himself, even as he felt himself starting to get dizzy.

Reality was cruel, but it was beautiful, too. And it was moments like this that slipped away like sand.

I'm still alive. That must mean something.

He and Ginrai clung to one another, tightly, silently, until Ginrai drew back, and they were staring at one another again, though Hawk’s eyes were starting to become distant, clearly from the blood loss.

What good had this done, venting his own fears? Ginrai let his gaze fall. He was suddenly aware of the way the chilly winds bit at his fingers.

Before anything else, Ginrai realized he needed to amend this.

There is nothing to be afraid of. There is only…time. We have time.

Hawk’s words rang in his ears.

We have time.

“Hawk, I’m…sorry. I’m…” he plucked at some of the grass next to him. Then, returning his intent gaze to the Pretender, he continued. “I let my emotions get the better of me.”

He watched as Hawk shifted a bit, gingerly touching a bruise on his arm, eyes still on Ginrai.

“It's a-alright, I unders-stand…I…” he swallowed, shaking his head a little.

Any number of things could be making it painful for him to speak, Ginrai realized, and gently held his hand again, speaking so Hawk didn't have to.

“I’ll stay with you. I’ll…always stay with you. We have now, and I have you. You’re right...we have time. Years of it. I shouldn't have said that stuff earlier.”

The edges of a smile seemed to light Hawk’s expression. The shadows seemed to dissipate a little.

Perhaps it was his wavering consciousness, or the realization that Ginrai was still here, with him…but Hawk could feel the panic leaving him once again.

“Th-thank…you…” he breathed, eyelids starting to flutter.

“Hawk…thank you.”

Ginrai rubbed at his eyes, wiping away his tears, feeling himself smile as he Hawk do the same. And all the turmoil seemed to leave them.

This was the here and now.

It did no one good to ruminate on things that hadn’t even occurred yet.

And they were lucky, that perhaps Decepticon pride had caused Hawk to be left alive rather than dead.

I’ll get you home, Hawk. Safe and sound.

He gently gathered the wounded Autobot into his grip.

“I love you…I’m so relieved you’re safe," Ginrai murmured gently, warmly.

Hawk smiled back, a silent agreement.

Maybe they’d have dinner when Hawk was bandaged and ready to walk around again.

Maybe they’d talk about music or nature, or perhaps something simply boring enough that Landmine would quit eavesdropping on them so they’d have some alone time.

Maybe...there was so much they could do.

Ginrai found himself speaking again to Hawk, unsure if he could hear him or not.

“I’ll stay, my love. I’ll stay as long as you wish…I lead this team. We’ll all make it out of this alive. We'll bring peace to this earth. I swear.”

With Hawk in his arms, the Autobot leader headed for his truck, leaving behind him the lonely birch tree.

He noticed the clouds in the sky hung, grey and looming as ever, and cast a fond look down at Hawk, who was definitely passed out now, but breathing steadily.

The sight of his complexion paler than usual, and gashes in his metal armor to reveal bloodied, bruised portions of skin…Ginrai tried not to dwell on it.

Everything will be fine, he reminded himself. I’ve got you, Hawk…I’ve got you.

Well, gloomy skies didn’t make Ginrai sad like they used to. Not since he’d learned they were Hawk’s favorite kind of weather.

So…he smiled.

///

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weirdmageddon · 3 years

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good lord what a fucking stressful day

driving up to class there was a truck in front of me for like ten straight minutes that was going 19 mph on a 35 mph road and there was a car behind me and i could just feel his pain too. it was taking all my mental effort to not blare my horn. soon as that fucking truck turned onto another road i pressed down so fucking hard on the gas pedal to get across the message to the cars behind me that i was pissed off we had to go that slow and that it was not my decision like sort of an apology to them like “you saw that fucking guy?? im not gonna keep putting you through that”

then when i got out of class i drove to the bookstore and was told i have no funds in my account to buy books and that i need to go to financial aid office. then i got anxious because nobody there knew where it was (i dont live on-campus so idk either) and i couldnt find any answers online because the map wasnt loading.

so then i looked at one of those “you are here” maps around campus and saw that financial aid was on the other side of route 41/tamiami trail (left side of campus). so i waited at that stupid light for 5 minutes and once i got to the other side i had to find a place to park which was annoying, and i still couldnt find the stupid office. i asked inside the first building i saw and the lady said it was across the road (pointing to the OTHER road, not route 41) so i walked over there. didnt look like the financial office but i checked anyway and it was locked, (and it wasnt the financial aid office). btw i’m in florida if it’s not obvious by “tamiami trail” and i have a heat intolerance (im 99.99% certain i have POTS, all i need is an official diagnosis but i havent had the appointment yet) and i started getting really fatigued and i was sweating my ass off and couldnt think straight and i felt that i was starting to get teary.

so im trying to find this stupid office in this oppressive heat. with a heat intolerance. and wearing a mask which made it feel a lot harder to get in air. i tried to ask this random kid but i broke down in front of him because i couldnt hold my shit together over something so minor as being unable to find this fucking office and i bet he thought i was insane or mentally unstable and i realized this so i was apologizing to him. when i inhaled it was so loud they were like gasps and i couldnt do anything about it and it made me so embarrassed...like the kinda gasps people do after running for their life. not quite hyperventilation because it wasnt fast but whenever i took in air it was like a sharp wheeze 😭 like my throat was so tight the air getting squeezed through it made a loud noise

so idk i think i maybe had a panic attack outside because i couldnt find this motherfucking financial aid office in this 90°F 70% humidity weather where it feels like 104°F so i could barely breathe to begin with and no one had given me good directions. then i involuntarily began holding my breath because it was embarrassing to be making loud sobbing gasps while walking.. which made it even harder to breathe but at least i wasnt drawing attention to myself.

i walked over to the student recreation center to get into the air conditioning and get some water. i sat down and i noticed i was STILL involuntarily holding my breath. they’re not breath-holding spells like babies do, like i dont do it until i get blue in the face but it’s sort of an automatic response as though to not make any noise? but it’s really involuntary it kinda becomes my default mode of breathing instead of normal respiration (anyone else do this when crying btw?? i tried looking it up but all i got was breath-holding spells in babies)

so taking few minutes while trying to calm down i took my phone out and searched for the financial aid center’s location on google and i still got nothing descriptive. i asked a more students around if they know where it is, one said he didnt know, and i was about to leave but near the exit there were like 4 students playing billiards and i asked them if they knew where it was. and i think one of the kids knew me from middle or high school because he remembered me and looked sort of familiar and said “sara are you okay” and i broke Again and i felt absolutely pathetic, but they ended up actually helping me this time find it and were really nice. turns out it WAS on the online campus map the whole time but i overlooked it because it was labeled “Palmer D / Financial Aid” and my tunnel vision ass just did not even recognize it because i was looking at the first letters going down the key list. and i felt so stupid. all of that for nothing. i couldve just stayed parked where i was for class earlier on the other side of tamiami trail. then i trudged back through the heat to my car and thats when i turned from feeling lost and panicky into frustrated and irritable because i KNEW where i needed to go but it felt like everything around me was so goddamn slow. i had to wait at that light for the full 5 minutes again because it turned from green to yellow just as i was driving up to it.

once it was green, i pulled back into that parking lot i was in at the beginning of the day and walked into the financial aid office and actually got something accomplished. i filled out a form (that they never made clear last year due to covid 🙄) which makes my bookstore funds automatically deposited and i helped walk a freshman who came in through the exact same steps after i finished mine. so that made me feel a little better.

at this point i was so full of adrenaline and cortisol and i acutely noticed how fucking DISGUSTING it was outside, the air was so muggy and it was overcast and like 90°F just an absolute swamp ass jungle. and i got back into my car and waited at that fucking tamiami light AGAIN and some stupid lady was like one whole ass car space behind the light so i couldnt turn into the right lane until it turned green and i was sittingthere for 5 mins just WAITING for this idiot to pull forward. then i waited at ANOTHER 5 minute light immediately after that before being able to actually drive home. just so many minor inconveniences all throughout my day that made everything feel so much worse.

i’ve been home for 4 hours at this point, i already showered but my body still feels like it’s full of stress hormones. my body is actually still has very minute tremors from all the stress. great start to the semester already.

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sanchoyo · 3 years

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danny phantom episode 4-7 Thoughts: (under a readmore because, these got kinda long!)

-the outfit danny had to buy for dash's party. CLASSIC 2000S i cannot stop laughing. And also showing up to the party and everyone is dressed like the trio is hilarious. and further proof that everyone looks good dressed goth.

-dash has a closet full of cute lil bear plushies?? LOVE that. adorable. also his response to danny trashing his room fighting a ghost was SO valid if somone BROKE MY BED IN HALF ID BE PISSED TOO.

-technus being like 'oh smart, u should be a tutor!' then later being like 'forget tutor, be a teacher!' :) supportive king <3 I also really like his upgraded suit/design. AND SPOCK CAMEO??? HELLO??

-the music in this show is super. its so funky. I looked it up and the guy who does it, guy moon (awesome name) also did music for other cartoons like fairly odd parents, barnyard, chalkzone, billy & mandy, AND some actual movies like FIGHT CLUB??? the whiplash I got from reading that)

-sam being rich explains a lot about her, actually.

-I know the moral of the episode was supposed to be 'dont ditch your friends for popular people/spend a lot of money on clothes that arent You to Fit In'. but tbh. it wouldve been easy for danny to have been like 'well, okay, ill come but only if my friends can!' but I get. that hes 14. so. not a lot to say there.

-BOX GHOST IS BACK!!!!! also, danny sitting up and wearing the dress/wig/makeup. umm thats how I dress everyday LMFAO. unironically me. (hate the jokes that boil down to 'haha funney man in dress' tho. but this is a look)

-jazz being protective of her brother once again being like NOOO YOU GUYS BETTER NOT STAKE OUT HIS (actually haunted) LOCKER!! shes aware of how people perceive him and she wants to help :( which is also probably why she told dash to invite him to that party even tho she had no interest in going!! she wants to help him out :(

-gotta say im with tucker on the whole 'should danny use his powers to get back at bullies' debate. 100% yes. let him teach kids to fight back. making dash throw his food at paulina out of the blue? no. but when hes actually about to pick on someone? yeah! for self defense? YEAH! if dash and his friends just threw food at him, I think rather than. idk doing sneaky shit with frogs he couldve just threw it back and not pulled punches if they tried to fight. I kNOOWWW its a kids show so they are like 'if u fight back ur just as bad!! violence bad!!' but. theyre HIS POWERS. WHO CARES.

-like my only gripe is that dash really isnt LEARNING ANYTHING WHEN DANNY GETS BACK AT HIM IN THE MOST PETTY INDIRECT WAYS. whatever they had to add a bully psa episode I guess. I hate it and I hate the way cartoons usually handle it because these methods simply Do Not Work. 'aND YouRE USinG YOur poWErs FOR EVill???!' this is Not Evil. even when poindexter takes dannys body, theyre only being 'nice' bc hes stealing soda for them!! bitches deserve what they get (nothing too brutal bc theyre high schoolers but damn, if they pick on danny he doesnt need to be the 'bigger person' he needs to start biting people)

-SAM TRYING TO SMUGGLE FROGS OUT OF THE BIO LAB?? girl in middle school when we had to dissect frogs we could opt out, also, they came to us already dead and preserved...

-sidney's lingo and the fact hes in black and white is sending me. also, danny is a ghost celebrity apparently for being a halfa?? ok. thats interesting to know

-the DENTIST BEING EXCITED ABOUT THE COTTON CANDY FLOOD IS THE FUNNIEST THING SO FAR.

-I LOOOVE the trope of 'wishes gone wrong'. not crazy about the stereotypical genie, or the use of the dreamcatcher looking design. (also, I KNOW theyre scientists but the way theyre handling a cold...are the fentons ANTIVAX)

-the genie. she. whitewished paulina. JKASDFHKJ. (the ghost literally just being hello kitty???? im dying) 'why do i feel that im special and wonderful? because I AM! <3' paulina ilu self worth queen. felt bad for her also getting possessed by (2) boys later who were arguing INSIDE HER. WTF.

-imagine being the guy trapped in his now flying car. he thought danny and tucker were HALUCINATIONS. imagine being trapped in a flying car with two, what you think are imaginary arguing 14 year olds convinced ur gonna die. i WOULD say this dude is gonna need so much therapy, but he seemed totally fine and excited when they landed (I would be happy too if a chicken was on my head. chickens rule) stoner rights

-sam's bat slippers??? iconic. SO cute.

-I think desiree's backstory is so :( do all ghosts have messed up sad backstories?? poindexter's was sad too...cannot imagine box ghost has any kind of fucked up backstory. but what if. his mom got pushed off cliffs by boxes...........a la cruella... anyway her 'no man may lay a hand on me' iconic. ilu

-I know danny has no concept of how much bras cost but my god dont attack tucker with some girls bra. those are so expensive.

-its really. well its not a GOOD THING he went into the portal and got fucked up, but its good danny was the one to do it rather than sam or tucker. because even tho he was being influenced by desiree and kept getting more malicious and it prob wasnt 100% him...he sucked as a ghost like most the people he 'pranked' were innocent ppl just Chillin and he didnt want to help anyone at all. I think danny is the most responsible out of them but also, hes 14 and shouldnt HAVE to feel obligated to fight every ghost. hes a good kid and wants to, but I also feel like he feels like...responsible for the portal turning on?? because his parents did give it up,, but it was an accident and not his fault (if anything, why was the on switch on the inside. why was it that easy. why was there no safety measures. that seems like smth OSHA needs to hear about). like thats my son. hes a good boy. and hes never done anything wrong in his life, ever. if anyone hurts him im killing everyone in this room and then myself. etc.

-danny's curfew is 10PM????? DUDE. when I was 14...shit I couldn't be out that late, I had to be back at like, 8 at the latest, and my parents had to know exactly where and who I was going with, AND i had to call/text them regularly...is this a case of my parents being overbearing, or the fentons sucking??? the only time i could EVER be out that late was if I was at an overnight sleepover or smth...

-the vultures have lil fezes. why do they have fezes...theyre so fuckin funny 'ask him for directions' 'I KNOW WHERE IM GOING' these ghost vultures are my new grandpas. pick them up, put them in the adopt box.

-'I wonder why those guys were trying to waste dad!' THEYRE GHOSTS. YOUR DAD HUNTS GHOSTS. why is that not a conclusion you'd immediately jump to??

-*jazz voice, clearly disgusted* WISCONSIN???

-mrs fenton with the lab coat and leg warmers and PERM. YESSS STYLISH.

-was going to say 'ew billionaire' @vlad but. super valid he used his powers to assumedly steal and cheat to get that money, thats how all billionaires do it! but ew hes a SIMP. and spending your billions on FOOTBALL STUFF?? you are Not Valid overall. I DO respect the fact you have a castle instead of a mansion. in wisconsin. if youre going to be stupidly rich might as well go all out, torches on the wall and all. I DO like his ghost form's little kitty ears. catman. and his cape! every design can benefit from a cape. and how different his forms look, like danny looks the EXACT SAME IN BOTH FORMS ASIDE FROM COLOR CHANGES. vlad's is like,, I could believe they were different people!! also I love the drama. but dude you are fighting a 14 year old. lame. also he was like, telling danny he wanted his mom and him and like, wanted him to renounce his dad?? WHAT ABOUT JAZZ?? bitch. those r MY kids and they are both important and special. I do agree they need better parents but thats not u sir <3

-I thought vlad's 'little badger' nickname for danny came from the football mascot of the packers, but google says they have NO MASCOT?? so now I'm like?? is it because his hair is sometimes black and sometimes white?? I hate to give him props but thats a PERFECT NICKNAME. theyre also tiny and vicious!

-why did I get so excited that Skulker is back!! its been like. 2-3 eps LMAO. AND THE DAIRY KING. ICONIC I LOVE HIM. hes the nicest guy ever :) more nice ghosts please. danny cannot be fighting alone everytime with no ghost buds like every ghost being hostile sucks :(

-mr. fenton knew vlad was controlling him, but a few episodes ago he had no clue danny was doing the same thing...is it something about how malicious the ghost is?? he just seemed to think his memory had gaps the first time, this time he was INSTANTLY LIKE 'GHOST'. then again in this ep when danny did it again he was just slightly confused but not immediately freaking out like he did with vlad possessing him!!

-'my parents will accept ME NO MATTER WHAT' so. so why haven't you come out to them yet, danny?? if you really think that?? if theres no harm, and you're sure??? if vlad is a real problem, wouldnt that make dealing with him easier, to expose him???? SO WHY HAVENT YOU COME OUT YET?? COULD IT BE,, MAYBE YOU HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT WHETHER YOUR PARENTS ACTUALLY WILL ACCEPT YOU??? 🤔 ... 🏳‍🌈 I get why people say He Is Trans. I totally totally get u danny.

-sorta unrelated, but it just occurred to me in one of these eps they go to casper HIGH not casper middle school??? theyre 14?? dont highschools usually do ages 15-18? (I didnt go to hs so I might be wrong, if I am ignore this...) freshmen are usually 14-15, could just be a case of them not turning 15 yet but they will sometime in the school year (I say they because tucker said he was 14 too)? I know the show has 3 seasons, so by the end of it will they be older? thatd be neat but usually cartoon characters stay the same age...I love shows where you can see the characters age and grow up, though...three seasons seems like a long time to spend on like, 1 year...

#sanchoyorambles #danny phantom #me on the first post:#its not a liveblog!#me this time: it kinda is. but not in the same format as my tmm one #i like doing one post for a handful of eps bc it saves time #and crowds my blog less #and also i just like talking abt what im watching lol #dp thoughts

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bunnyinthestars · 3 years

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Adrien is definitely gonna take Emilie’s place in a coma (A Theory)

Yeah so I mean the title of this is exactly what I’m pretty sure is gonna happen. This is because there has been a huge load of foreshadowing and some other subtler reasons I will be going over in this post. Of course, there’s always a chance it won’t happen, but if it didn’t I think I’d be pretty surprised considering just the amount of evidence thats going into this.

(Also sorry ahead of time for the structure of this, I tried to structure this based on my specific reasons for this theory but I kind of went off on tangents in some places and in others I use ideas that I assume come with the theory and don’t necessarily fit into any specific reason (like Emilie coming back to life and what would happen there, why Adrien and not Nathalie, and loosely how theyd get Adrien out of the coma), although I mosty stick to the structure I still want to add this disclaimer just so you’re aware that I wrote this in one go at midnight (also wait right now its 12:10am it is now ten minutes into my birthday??? ok ignoring that))

I dont know man. Just consider what I have to say. Or dont. I will be listing my reasons starting now.

1. Imagery of Adrien being in comatose state/ in a coffin-like thing.

This is surprisingly common??? Off the top of my head I can think of Style Queen and Riposte (I believe) which involve this. In Style Queen, Audrey in the form of her akumatized self had essentially kidnapped Adrien and put him in this gold/glass coffin thing that disintegrated the longer it remained untouched. The other one is Riposte, where Ladybug hides Adrien in that big sarcophogus in the Louvre (he didn’t stay in it but still the imagery is there.)

I also just remembered in Chameleon when Lila took Adrien’s form he was asleep/in a comatose state in that locker and Plagg was like “aw man am I gonna have to kiss him.....” but then Adrien wakes up because Lila stole someone else’s form

EDIT: another instance of Adrien/Chat Noir being shoved into a sarcophagus (besides Riposte) is in Pharaoh in season 1

So yes there is definitely a good number of foreshadowing for this. I might take this further and say if Adrien were to go comatose and be in the coffin Emilie was in then Felix might replace him for some amount of time?? Like impersonate him amd stuff?? Just because there’s lots of stuff in the show with impersonation I feel like it could work aNYWAY BACK TO THE EVIDENCE I KNOW ITS A TANGENT

2. Possible evidence foreshadowing Emilie *inadvertantly* killing (not killing but making comatose you get it) Adrien

This one is not as strong as the first but its worth considering. I was googling the word “mayura” just out of curiosity a while back and basically its a peacock in Hindu stories (like peacocks are a kinda revered animal) and I just initially found a couple websites that said that the mayura has been depicted eating a snake as a symbol of the cycle of time (you dont have to read this part in parenthesis, its just kind of a tangent: the cycle of time as known in Hinduism is another aspect of Hinduism directly referenced in the show: the horse/space miraculous kwami Kaalki’s name is a reference to the prophecied tenth avatar/reincarnation of the god Vishnu, and he is referenced in the Kalachakra tantra which is basically a Hindu book about the cycle of time. Keep in mind I got all this from wikipedia and other internet websites, I do not practice Hinduism and I dont directly know anybody who does, so if any of this is wrong pls lmk because there is surprisingly not a lot of information on the internet about it from what I could tell)

So anyways yes peacock (mayura) eating snake representing the cycle of time. Both Luka and Adrien are represented in the show as the snake, but ultimately I think the snake here represents Adrien just because it makes more sense (Snake Noir, future Alix’s tattoo depicts a snake to be Adrien and is meant to represent Adrinette, Adrien just has some shifty stuff going on with the snake in general etc) and thus, if Gabriel manages to actually get the ladybug and black cat miraculouses and make the wish to bring Emilie to life, then this “mayura” analogy (assuming Emilie as the mayura in this scenario) would make sense if her life brought upon Adrien losing his.

The reason I dont think it would refer to Nathalie even though her official name is Mayura is for pretty much two sub-reasons. The first is that I think she is going to die before this wish happens. I know, its a kids show, whatever, but consider it. The Agreste/Graham de Vanily family has a trend of having opposite names [I am so sorry I literally first heard this from a tumblr user but I cannot remember who I just remember they had made a string of theories on why Emilie Agreste will not be who she seems to be so credit to them I did not discover that] for example the name Gabriel means hero/angel, Felix means happy/fortunate, Adrien means dark, etc, and Nathalie Sancoeur means “birthday (of Christ)” and “heartless” respectively. We already know she is not heartless but rather full of heart because she has fallen in love with Gabriel. So then,,,,,,,,,, the opposite of birth is death. She’s already shown to be pretty sick too despite the peacock miraculous having been “fixed” (as of the New York special being the most recent piece of content). I’m sorry guys I do not make the rules

stop why his face look like that though

The second part of why I think this is a little stupid but. The original art released by Jeremy Zag for Mayura does not look like Nathalie. Plus this art was only released under the name of “the Peacock” (originally Le Paon in French) so it might not actually be the Mayura we know as of now. Now, theoretically, it could be that they had made this art before they knew they wanted Nathalie to be Mayura or just as art depicting what Emilie would have been like as the peacock miraculous holder, and it could literally just be Nathalie. When you compare the images, though, the original Mayura art looks far more like Emilie and a lot less like Nathalie. Yes I am aware this is stupid just know this is only a minor point

I dont know man those faces do not look the same to me and the original Mayura definitely had Emilie’s eye shape and face shape in mind. They might’ve changed it after making the concept art but my point still stands

Ok next reasoning

Again not a very strong point but sometimes dialogue just implies things in Miraculous and I can think of a very specific quote that would fit this happening, and there are probably more that I just dont know to look for since I dont have this whole show memorized

So the quote is from Startrain after Gabriel loses control of the akuma then learns about the Startrain having been akumatized with Adrien on board, and he says “hoping that my enemies will save my son..... how ironic.” When I first heard this quote I really, really felt like it was foreshadowing something just based on his tone and the way this new idea was being introduced of him having to be on the same side as Ladynug and Chat Noir for once, even if it was just temporary. This quote absolutely is indicative to me of a future event in which he’ll have to work with his “enemies” to save his son. A situation in which Adrien is in comatose would perfectly align with this. At least for how I would predict the show would make it, Gabriel would have to turn away from Emilie (who represents the past for him, and this action would therefore represent moving on) and join forces with Ladybug/Marinette, his “enemy”, to save Adrien.

Onto the last reason!

Emilie is probably definitely coming back. Which means someone’s going into a coma in her place.

I mean come on it would be so anticlimactic if they just caught Gabe before he fulfilled his wish. Plus with the way they are outlining Emilie to be this perfect golden being is definitely because its going to far contrast with how she will actually turn out. This doesnt really support the Adrien thing in particular but honestly it would also be anticlimactic of the coma was for anyone else. If it was Nathalie, then yeah itd suck for Adrien I guess but like???? Doesn’t really connect the plots as much. Whereas if its Adrien, that brings Marinette into it, that gives her a powerful as heck conflict. Im guessing they would also somehow resolve his coma with “the power of love” mentioned in the theme song, just because of the foreshadowing with like waking someone up with a true love’s kiss (think Plagg in Chameleon, I guess the rose in Style Queen, maybe Alya’s story to Manom in Stormy Weather if we’re strecthing it....)

TL;DR: Adrien is probably gonna go comatose (like Emilie did) at some point because its been pretty foreshadowed (think Style Queen, Riposte, and even Chameleon), because of the legend surrounding the Hindu “mayura” peacock eating a snake representing time (wow that was not a sentence ok then), because Gabriel has previously foreshadowed having to work with his enemies to save his son, and also just because it would be super awesome and allow each character involved to have a pretty fulfilling conflict and arc.

(all images from the miraculous ladybug wiki excluding the piece of art depicting the mayura which is from murugan.org)

I hope however took the time to read this post enjoyed this theory, sometimes I have really random yet detailed theories regarding this show and I wanted to share this one because if I’m right then this will be proof I had predicted it, also you guys could possibly elaborate on it. I’m all for friendly discussions folks fr

If this doesn’t end up happening the theory is still awesome and they should have done it, and if it does my ego will probably expand and hopefully they will make it as awesome as it seems like it would be. Sorry if the structure of this post is not great, but thank you for reading. I appreciate you, have a wonderful week :)

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the-starset-system · 3 years

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Do you got any ideas for increasing communication? I really wanna talk to my system but it's so hard :(

I could just give you the common advice but you can find all of that with a quick Google search. Lemme give you some stuff that's personally helped us:

GET OUTTA mY RoOm IM PLAyiNG MINECRAF

Lmao I couldn't resist, but yee, Minecraft has actually helped us communicate more than anything. It gives everyone creative freedom and with mechanics like signs and books it's easy to leave notes within the game. The littles adore it too :D

I actually have a lot to say about playing as a system on Minecraft, so I might make a separate post if any of you want to hear. I'll probably be discussing how it helps and how to set all that stuff up, since figuring out how everything would work with inventory and stuff rattled our brain at first (;ŏ﹏ŏ)

Art!

Creating things is a great way to learn more about your system and maybe uncover trauma details in a more gentle fashion! We personally draw and write, but music, dance, videos, etc. all work!

It doesn't even have to be about your system, it could be feelings or thoughts. Just something to pick your brain, to learn more about yourself since it's easy to fall down a pit when you don't know who you are, let alone your system.

That's one of the most important things in my opinion, having a grounded sense of self before really jumping into everything. When we jumped in not really knowing who we are ourselves it was hard to understand one another and I do believe that carelessness still affects us to this day, so just try to understand your own self as well

Don't laugh, but dress up games

Yeah yeah I know the kinda reputation some of them hold, but when we first discovered we were a system and started trying to work together that was the first thing we done. We knew we didn't identify with this body, but at the same time a majority of us were particularly unsure of what we did look like. Having little avatars to dress up was so helpful cause we would ask ourselves "does this feature have any significance?" or "Why am I attached to this certain feature?". Slowly after sifting through different options we could say "that's me". It was really reassuring and helped us recognize each other. It even helped with figuring out who was fronting because someone would feel unsettled about a certain feature being missing.

We still use little apps sometimes for fun or if someone new split / came out of dormancy :]

Making time

This is gonna sound silly, but think of communicating with your system the same way you would in a relationship. This is something you're likely gonna be dealing with for a good while so it's good to have close bonds with everyone. Bonds are the key to communicating cause I mean, would you wanna talk to someone you dislike?? If you're having trouble with system conflict I'd recommend checking out my other post I made about it.

But where does making time come into this? Aha sorry I actually got off topic but I feel like it's important regardless so I ain't erasing it-

What I mean by making time is well, making time. It's harder to communicate when there's so much going on around you cause you'll get distracted. What we do is set out however much free time we have that day to bundle up in our room and pretend we're sleeping, when in reality the low amount of sensory stimuli makes it easy to focus on talking to everyone. This doesn't always goes as planned, sometimes we just have bad days and can't communicate. If that's the case we'll keep trying for a few minutes before going off to do something else.

That's one thing to always remember, everyone has bad day and that's okay!

So, those are some ideas, but I also wanted to go over some things you should avoid too, kinda like do's and dont's!

Forcing communication

There's often a reason someone in the system avoids communicating, as well as a reason you may not be able to communicate with anyone. At the end of the day you gotta remember this was formed out of survival, needing to not be able to communicate, to forget, in order to properly function.

If things aren't helping then maybe give it some time, you might just not be at a good point in your life right now and your brain knows, saying "hey, we still don't feel too good, I wanna be prepared for any other tough situations we might go through" and that's okay. The mass media loves to portray ppl with DID having flawless communication and that's just not the truth. People understand it's a hard battle and I can assure you many in the community have your back :]

Fake claiming

-One of my worst habits, it's easy to say "no that's not real". Sometimes it might not be but I know from my own mistakes that more than likely it is. It can hurt a lot of system members, making them feel like their voice doesn't matter or even make them go on a spiral if they really are real.

I don't really have much more to say, it's pretty self explanatory. Just keep an open mind

You don't have to be differentiated

Another thing we're all guilty of, we thought we had to all act super different to be valid. Spoiler alert: you're valid no matter what

Once again, I feel like it's pretty self explanatory, but forcing yourself to be different from x, y, and z person sucks cause you never get to be yourself. You don't need to be differentiated, your perfect the way you are, regardless of who may share those same traits

That's all I can think of right now, but knowing me I'll come up with a million more things after I post this

I did come up with a really good explanation of what building communication is like though and I wanted to share:

Think of it as leveling up in a video game. All these tasks may seem useless but slowly your collecting XP and getting closer to your goal. That's why you gotta keep at it!

So, keep going on those seemingly useless quests and fighting that boss monster no matter how many times you get thrown to the ground, cause every last bit is worth it (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

I hope this helps! Sorry if I got a bit off topic! I have a habit of that (• ▽ •;) I was writing on and off so things may be a bit choppy. Aaaa sorryyyy but thank you for the askkkk! And remember, I am not a professional and my words should not replace / overwrite seeking professional help if possible! Regardless, I hope you have a good week! 💫

#roar.exe #👾#ask response #advice #long post

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llatimeria · 3 years

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im still thinking abt the abuse anon from earlier bc its, inadvertently dredging up a lot of bad memories

abuse can make ppl desperate to cling onto literally anything or anyone so i like. get it. im not mad or upset w/ that anon at all, i Honestly want to believe it came from a place of good faith and that they do need someone to help them and that they absolutely deserve that help, but im just... i really can’t. i’m sorry i just can’t

its just like. i never claimed that i’d be able to help anyone w/ abuse. i reblog posts about abuse a lot because information abt it is a) incredibly valuable for people who need it b) interesting to me personally bc i like talking about people and why they do things, including bad things

but im like. im barely 23. i have like. half a year of college under my belt and im currently on a leave because my mental health has been bad again thanks to covid. i scraped thru high school because i couldn’t cope with existing physically all of the time. the closest thing to a “qualification” i have on this subject is that i’ve taken 1 psychology class that didn’t actually teach me much more than what i knew beforehand somehow. i am seriously just a fucking guy and im a little afraid that my habit of Speaking Authoritatively could make me an extremely reliable figure when im very much not

there’s nothing i could offer you that would be more substantial just googling “abuse” or “how to know if i’m in an abusive relationship”. i really... really don’t know more than the basics, and i don’t have a stockpile of resources i can get to right away either, not without doing a shitton of research. there’re definitely other blogs that focus 100% on education on abusive relationships too so i... dont know why someone would come to Me for this, or to someone with a larger following bc at least someone with a lot of followers could just post “hey can someone help me find some resources for anon?” and get a billion responses but I’m Not That. its not really that i don’t want to help or don’t want them to be helped its just that i... cannot possibly do anything for them and if i did just start running my mouth and saying whatever it’d be just. hideously irresponsible of me. i am not about to be the next “6p heals” yknow. i am not gonna be the guy who therapizes my tumblr followers for clout, as much as i Really Do Want To Help As Much As I Can

For some like. personal context about . why im This Many Paragraphs Amount Of Uncomfortable. i spent most of my early teenage years being incredibly responsible for the mental health of my entire friend group. basically everyone i was internet(!) friends with was desperately in need of actual help from people who could materially change their lives irl, but it was still My Responsibility to talk them down from suicide every 5 minutes because I Was There & i eventually had to cut ties with them for my own good so i didn’t off myself at the ripe old age of 15

i wasnt,,, fully innocent of this either. i was also in a fucked up place emotionally and i wasn’t always Normal about keeping my problems to myself or asking for help in constructive ways, but a) talking people down every 5 seconds was definitely not Benefitting my mental health b) every time i had a problem they would make it their problem and suddenly i’d be talking them down again when i was the one with the problem and it was just like. okay

those relationships Broke me & my ability to form normal human bonds in ways i Still haven’t fully recovered from years later. I am definitely over a Lot of it, thank God, too much time has past for me to just be clinging onto these feelings i had as a Young Teenager (and ive been in therapy. and ive just got a lot more life experience. and i just have other things to be worrying about), but it still definitely Affects Things I Still Think And Do just bc it was my formative years and a lot of it is lodged very very deeply into my brain in ways im not sure i will ever be free of

idk anyways my point is its taken me a long time to build the boundaries i have now wrt other people’s mental health + safety and it’s taken me even longer to feel Okay about having those boundaries and knowing that it’s Completely Normal and Justified to be a little sketched out when people start trying to make their problems my problem and that i’m Not Evil for not being able to carry the entire world upon my shoulders.

i wish u the best anon but please please please find someone or somewhere appropriate for this kind of ask. it’d be unfair of me to answer you because i’m not a reliable source of information and if i gave you information that was wrong it could literally be dangerous. it’s also unfair of you to ask me something like this because i seriously am just one person with no qualifications or education on how to keep people safe in times of emotional turmoil and i am just. deeply against ever bearing that kind of responsibility for anyone else ever again, especially not for a Complete Stranger.

i always want to do what i can, of course, but i ,, can’t be a reliable source of information & comfort for random anons, and i hope that’s an understandable + respectable boundary to have. thanks

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thestarssystem · 3 years

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hello! same anon who asked the last question about being able to send an ask! i've been having questions about whether or not i could be an osdd system (1b to be specific) but i can't find answers to sone questions so i was hoping you could help me out? it's really long, sorry:(

1. the thing i have the most issues with is alters fronting. i don't exactly know how it feels to have another alter fronting and taking control of the body. there's only been a few times where i've genuinely felt like i wasn't in control of my body & felt trapped in it but other than that, whenever all my other alters(?) fronted i would still generally be able to control the body. i don't know how to explain it. for example, an alter who i think is a protector was fronting last night but besides the name and some traits, everything was pretty much still the same, like as if i was the protector? and i'm not the most knowledgeable on how osdd works, but should i be feeling atleast somewhat out of my control ?? it's happened pretty much every time an alter(?) has fronted(?) and i ended up in a really bad mood after trying to validate the possibility i might have osdd because i didn't know if this was real or if i was just being delusional. and this is kinda a silly question but when another alter fronts, thinking is still the same, right? like they can still talk in their head like a singlet would and such

2. 'voices' in your head - a lot of systems i've come across generally have the voices. i don't, atleast i don't think i do. again, i don't know how it would be if i experienced it. is it like how someone would talk to you irl? or is it more vague? or is it like, more of a feeling that you can't really 'hear' but yk it's saying that?

3. i can't exactly communicate with my alters, if i have any. i don't know how to and even then it feels really odd trying to talk to myself and again, i start to feel dumb/delusional again because osdd may not even be the case.

4. similar to the last thing, is it normal to 'talk' to your system? like last night for example, it's a blurry memory now but i remember 'we're going to bed now' 'we're gonna do this and then sleep' and such, despite the fact i know we can't really communicate. i think another alter was fronting then

4. i have trouble recognizing my alters as seperate identities and people, and rather tend to think they're pieces of me. so like, if another alter were to do something, and later i fronted, and if i would talk about what the other alter did i would still use "i did" rather than "(other alter) did". i'd just like some advice on this part

5. i have no idea whether or not systems i've met have 'different talents' but i've seen it going around a lot. to be more specific, my 'talents' or other stuff has never really changed. i usually still have social anxiety, my triggers are usually still the same, i've never suddenly gotten good at anything, and so on. is it a normal/common thing for systems for that not to happen?

6. memory. i have really bad memory, which actually led me to did/osdd (+ 8/9 year old me going "why do i feel like two people" and googling it years ago), and i always have trouble recalling what happened. after i do anything and i try to think back to it - it's just foggy. i can sometimes remember a bit of what happened, but generally i'll have to think for a bit and the visual memory of it will just be really really blurry. this happens pretty much every day but i have no idea if it does the same with important events because nothing important has really happened. and another thing - when you switch, do you still remember friends/online friends/family? i've had times where they've seemed odd(?) and somewhat unrecognizable but i've always known it's them, same with trauma and other stuff. i've always kinda known about it.

7. i've tested some things multiple times. for example, a few days or weeks ago, i was doing and typing stuff on discord in a server just for me, for fun. when i went away and checked back later, i know that it was me who did it, just not,, me, yk? like it happened with my own fingers and hands, i didn't have exact visual memories that i did it, but i had memory of doing it, so like, i knew, despite the fact another alter could've been the one doing it. same thing happened last night - now that i look back at the account i, or my alter, created, i can tell it wasn't exactly 'me', but i still had memory doing it. and it's never been like "what is this? i have zero memory of doing this" or something like that

8. i don't really have roles for my alters. well, some do. for example i think a protector (and maybe caretaker as well) was fronting last night. i just have trouble with the roles? if that makes sense. unless it comes naturally, like the protector for example, it's just kinda really hard for me to make stuff out. i also have dpdr & i dissociate and i believe that influences on how i view my identity and how i can't really make out stuff, even stuff like emotions, my opinion on something, who's fronting, etc.

9. as far as i know, systems have an 'inner world', right? i know some systems that don't, but i'm not sure if i have it and i dont know how to find out if i do

to add on, i'm kinda worried i might just be thinking i have osdd because i've been exposed(?) to it and that i might just be delusional and that i'm just making people up

lastly, would it be a good idea to try to reach out to alters? and if i should, how would i do so? thank you :D !! again, i'm really really sorry this was so long! don't stress yourself out on this please:]

- fox

DISCLAIMER: We are not trained mental health professionals! All of the information we give is coming from our own experience as a system, or from research we have done! We always recommend that, if at all possible, you speak to a therapist about OSDD/DID!

hello! thanks for you questions! i’ll do my best to answer everything haha. I’m going to section everything off in the same way you did, but there may be some overlap between questions!

1.)I’m gonna start my answer to this by saying that switching feels and looks different for every system. There is no one way to switch. What happens for us when we fully switch is the obvious dissociative feeling, and then it feels like we’re “falling” almost and then after that falling feeling, we’ve switched. With your experience you’re describing, though, it seems more like co-conscious or co-fronting. Co-conscious is typically a feeling like you’re still in full control of the body, but another alter is in the ‘passenger seat of the car’ and is giving their thoughts on what’s happening on the outside. Co-fronting is more of a feeling where you feeling like you’re half in control of your body, and another alter has half control of your body. This can be a moment (that i’ve vaguely described on my tumblr actually) of feeling like “this isn’t my hand. I’m not controlling that arm.” However, that feeling can also happen with depersonalization. To help you tell the difference, i think it could be helpful to journal when/if you get those feelings and if you “feel” different, like you could actually be another alter. —/ part b.) for my system at least, thinking is still the same, regardless of who’s fronting. I’m not sure if that’s the same for other systems, but i’ve never heard or seen anyone talking about thinking being any different, but i have heard systems discussing something i’ll address in #2

2.) so, in my experience, my system does not audibly hear each other’s voices. Some systems do, and some systems have a different form of communication. Since i can’t talk about audible voices, i’ll only talk about ‘intrusive thought’ communication, which is what we experience. For my system, we get an intrusive thought of sorts. It’s just a thought, but we can tell who it’s coming from (honestly not really sure how, it’s just a feeling. I can always tell who is telling me something) That thought is different from normal thinking though, because it doesn’t feel like it’s coming from us and it has a different... vibe?? idk i honestly can’t really think of how to explain it lmaoo. To continue my answer from part 1, alters can use something called “passive influence” which is where they ‘control’ your thoughts to get what they want. An easy example is if someone asks what you (the fronting alter) want to drink and you want to answer water, but another alter wants sprite, they can use passive influence to say that YOU want sprite, when really you don’t. That’s the only way I can really think of the act of thinking being different though haha.

3.) my system doesn’t really have the best internal communication, but that’s the case for a lot of systems, especially new ones. It takes time and determination. One of the ways i’ve seen suggested to help with internal communication is before you go to sleep, when you’re in the calm and peaceful state, just ask into your head if anyone is there and wants to talk to you. Let them knower they’re safe and that you want to talk. Keep the convo friendly and ask them about themselves (i.e their name, age, role {if they have one}, favorite color, etc)

4.) to be completely honest, it’ll just take practice to change your habit of using “i did.” I don’t know how old you are, but you went your entire life up until this point believing you were a singlet. Using “i did” is still natural for you to use as a default. Try to catch yourself as (or after) you say “i did” and try to correct yourself and overtime that habit will hopefully be broken. The same goes for not really recognizing your alters. You went your whole life thinking everything was just ‘you’ (the host) so now, when discussing OSDD, it might be hard to really pinpoint who is who. That’ll just take time though. But don’t force your alters to fit a specific mold you made for them. Everything with figure itself out eventually

5.) what you described (with different talents and different mental health issues) doesn’t happen to my system and i believe it doesn’t happen to a good portion of systems, especially OSDD systems. The only thing that really changes for my system from alter to alter is preferences, such as food, instruments (my system knows how to play 8 instruments and each alter prefers one over the other lmao), and hobbies (like reading, painting, and writing) HOWEVER, we all still can paint and play all 8 of our instruments with the same skill. Our skill level doesn’t change between alter, just our desire to do that activity (if that makes any sense lmao)

6.) problems with memory and forgetting things is not a sign of OSDD-1b. Dissociative amnesia is only a sign of OSDD-1a and DID. I think it might be helpful to keep track of your switches and see if your memory “fog” overlaps with it. If yes, then you should probably consider check out OSDD-1a or DID. If it doesn’t, my honest suggestion is to consider talking to a doctor/therapist about memory problems and short term memory loss. (also to answer your question asking if we remember online friends: yes, we always remember other people, regardless of who’s fronting)

7.) this relates back to the memory question. OSDD-1b is not characterized by forgetfulness or memory problems. With OSDD-1b, you will never have that moment of “I don’t remember doing this” unless there is a VERY specific reason (i.e. a traumatic event that needs to be hidden) It is normal, on the other hand, to know that another alter did something, rather than you, and still have memory of it.

8.) i think roles are difficult for a lot of systems. I know my system had (and still has) a little bit of trouble with roles. My biggest advice is actually something i’m following rn and that’s to not force roles. Let alters naturally choose their roles. It may take a really long time though, but that’s okay. It might help to do some research as well. Google all the different alter types and see if you can pinpoint some that fit your system (like i said though, don’t forget those roles! let them have the ultimate decision)

9.) My system doesn’t have an inner world. We have something called Aphantasia which makes it impossible to see images in our head. There are systems who don’t have an inner world, however i don’t know if there is a specific reason or not. Ive heard that meditating can help you access the inner world, as well as, once again, trying to access it before you fall asleep. However, because I can’t have an inner world, i haven’t done much research on the topic and I suggest that you try and find a method that works for you :)

closing points: When considering any type of mental health problem/ mental disorder, make sure you’re not bending the diagnostic criteria to fit you. With OSDD, there are slight differences between every system, but nothing major that would require serious bending of the criteria. At the very end, you asked if you should try and reach out to your alters. You DEFINITELY should. They’re scared and confused, just like you. I think my answer for 3.) gives a good, easy starting point for alter communication c:

I hope these answers helped, at least a little. Good luck and stay safe xx

-the stars system (written by multiple alters all at different times)

~sorry if there’s any typos~

#osdd protector #osdd positivity #did osdd #osdd problems #osdd alter #osdd community #actually osdd #osdd support #osdd system #osdd #osdd 1b #dissociative system #dissociative alters #other specified dissociative disorder

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iknowicanbutwhy · 3 years

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To anyone who thinks texting is a billion times worse than talking on the phone and that texting is a miscommunication disaster ready to happen: I get you. You're probably 100% exactly like my friend who I hate texting despite how i rather appreciate talking with them on call or in-person.

Hear me out, though. Please.

You know what's weird? I love talking with my other friend on text more than i talk with them in real life. No, it's not because they're untalkative irl. No, it's not because they have a different personality in text. No, it's not because they have any trouble whatsoever communicating in-person (more than the usual trouble everyone sometimes deals with).

It's because I'm the one with the auditory communication issues. I stammer and stutter, I can't forward my opinion in that microscopic pause between people talking, i can't think quickly when i or someone else is speaking, i can't think quickly, and i can't double check my grammar when ive already said something - among other problems.

And that friend i like to text? Just so happens to be skilled at texting.

Yes, texting well is a skill. Something that you can learn and cultivate and look up on Google. So if you hate texting and find it irredeemable, you probably don't have the skill for it. But you can still learn just by using your normal speaking skills while remembering and sticking with only a few bitty - yet crucial - rules of texting.

You may not want to learn to text. You may want to speak and text only when necessary. You may defend your point by stating that texting lacks key human communication, such as body language, tone of voice, rhythm of voice, and other context that adds to the meaning of words in a way texting could never have. Aaaand you'd be right, actually. Italics and bold and emojis/emoticons and writing style can only do so much while the imagination fills in the gaps - and unlike with books, if the imagination sees/hears something terrible in a text, it's offensive instead of interesting.

So, what about the people who don't have the skill to make coherent, intelligent sentences with their mouth in the first place? The context doesn't help too much, then. Of course, why should you have to learn how to text when clearly these people who are afflicted by their inability to speak should be learning how to talk, because it's more effective and healthier for them that way?

You're right, they should be learning. And they are! There's no avoiding speaking in real life unless you're mute, selectively mute (let's be understanding), deaf (sometimes they learn to speak and that's awesome), or something else I can't think of. Those with speech impediments - when they don't know sign or there's no one who knows sign nearby - are generally forced to try to speak, and are constantly training to communicate well. People with social anxiety don't want to be afraid of talking, and especially if you befriend someone with social anxiety in real life and talk with them in-person, they'll try their best to open up in-person too. And me? Who can't think fast enough to speak for some reason? I'm trying to change that, too. I hate being unable to speak as well as I text, because speaking is more efficient.

But it would still be really, really nice to have a deliciously complex conversation sometimes, and for those of us with trouble speaking, we developed the skill of texting to better fulfill that human need to communicate and share. We're trying to speak. But.. it would be really nice of you to text.

To text more than just "okay"

To elaborate on "I can't"

To exclaim more than only "ah"

To give something that isn't difficult to find a specific response to.

And it can be easy to; we text-savvy people swear our hearts on it!! Google provides lots of good links when you search "how to text well," but I'll sum up a few common tips to texting with meaning.

Text proportionally. This is probably the only rule you need to remember, because all-in-all, the best way to text someone (if they're not sending one or two words a text) is to follow in their example. If they ask your opinion? Tell them yours and ask theirs. If they send texts of two or three sentences each? It's polite to try responding with the same magnitude (keyword: try. You can't always do it). They send you a paragraph? You don't have to send one back (even though that'd be real cool) but if they seem to be expecting a thorough response, don't be afraid to tell them you can't think of much. Just make sure you follow tip #2. Just imagine what it's like talking to a cat that only meows vaguely at you in response. Maybe you think the cat is smart enough to somewhat understand, and you're getting the chance to let your thoughts out at it, but getting basically nothing back is kind of boring.

Dont send curt, few-worded answers. This includes saying just "k" or "ah" or part of a sentence that you're never gonna finish. It sends the message that you're not interested in thinking about whatever the person texting you just said. Sometimes you can send a tiny response as a joke, but do it over and over again, and the other person will think you're never interested in talking. If you're not interested in talking (not just in text, i mean audibly too), it'd be less rude to simply say your not up for talking, with a short, polite apology.

Respond as soon as possible to a genuine question. If you need to think, say so. If you can't respond just yet, say so. This is a personal thing for me. I'm in the middle of a conversation that has been active for a while, i ask an important (sometimes timed) question, and nobody responds for an hour. I lose confidence and take the silence as "no, don't be ridiculous," and take back what i said. Then, very suddenly, i get a response finally informing me that someone needed to ask their mom and the conversation took a while, or they were researching the question, or chores suddenly came up, or etc etc. People get busy all the time, and especially on text, it's easy to suddenly drop out because something irl shows up. But it's hard to tell the difference between being ignored, missed, or being considered. Your excuses are valid, but even a vague "brb" and then later a quick explanation would be more informative than straight silence.

If you need to leave in the middle of a conversation that's been very active, say so. Building off of the last one, it's just polite to be informative. Now, you don't have to say you're doing this at some specific location for a particular amount of hours and you'll be hanging out with whats-their-name and then you'll go into the bathroom and pick your nose in the mirror - no, you don't have to be specific. Just make it clear that you'll be gone for a bit and you'll get back to the conversation another vague time. It's polite, that's all, and alleviates the worries of all us anxious individuals who think "oh no did i say something wrong its been like 20 minutes and they left suddenly-"

Try to leave an avenue of conversation open for the other person to pick up on. This one is easy because generally, all you need to do is think of an open-ended question that isnt yes-or-no. Say something, then ask a question that relates to what you said that the other person can add to. Like.. the other person said they like a certain band, and you like that band, too. You could tell them your favorite song from them and gush about why, then ask what their favorite song is and why? Then it's up to them to give a good response.

If a conversation turns exhausting because you feel like you're pulling all the weight, then drop it and politely say goodbye. There's all these tips about good texting but sometimes, when you can't bring the other person out of their shell or they are genuinely uninterested, it's because they are the ones not doing their part in the conversation. You've tried your best, and if they wont thank you, then I will. And someone in your future who knows how to text and is interested in what you have to say will thank you in their heart. Just, not the person who you're walking away from right now.

Observe the texting "body language" of others. This sounds weird, but examples of this would be using bold to outline the absolute importance of things, italics to slightly emphasize something, s p a c i n g to signify your mind being blown, emojis to express light emotion (unless someone uses way too many, which, that's just a bad habit and sometimes an art form), "ha" for sarcastic laughter, fjsjskajfjie for real laughter, ALL CAPS for high energy, etc. Im sure you can Google it, too, otherwise you can just learn from experience. It's all generally very universal unless you meet a Homestuck, and pretty soon, picking out and giving out emotions in everyday text will be a little easier.

That's all I got right now. Thank you for reading this far and indulging me with this topic. It's okay if you want to keep your avenues of conversation far away from texting, because it's all your own choice, but just know that if you ever do find someone interesting who speaks better in text, it's not impossible for you to communicate with them as well in that format. Just takes practice :) (<- that's a genuine, gentle smile, otherwise I would use c: or :3. Someone else may use it differently, however. Think of it like my personal accent.)

#important #just needed to rant that for a bit #that friend i mentioned who cant text? i love her but she's frustrating #she thinks she's never gonna be able to text well #and im screaming internally because i cant call (my background is noisy and i can't hear well)#and im not sure how to give her some tips without her vaguely saying okay #and maybe perhaps saying that she's simply better at speaking and she'll leave it at that #which breaks my heart but okay ill just go talk to someone else #still #i needed to rant #if anyone can add some extra tips that would be... delicious #texting #communication #miscommunication #text #text vs call

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cruelfeline · 4 years

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can I just flop into your inbox and despair for a hot second about how like. bewildered I am over the lore of spop??? I thought about doing this as proper asks but then it got... long.

Sure! Anyone can flop into my inbox c:

idk if it's me and I'm just dumb and not getting it?? I've gotta go back and comb through the show I guess bc the wiki and google and the internet at large are the opposite of helpful.

but no okay the show kept saying that the first ones were basically - etheria's first settlers or whatever the hell right?? something along those lines? am I remembering this correctly? that's why the etherian's CALL them the first ones? (I mean but Prime did too didnt he now that I think about it. I'm not sure why he would though, the context for why the etherian's would use the term and why he'd use the term are different?) ugh whatever, like I said I gotta go back and comb through but I wanna say that the implication was that the first ones were the...First Ones to be on etheria. which is like....??

Mm... it’s a bit unclear, but Mara speaks in a way that highly implies that there are native Etherians already on Etheria when the First Ones arrive. One of them being Razz.

I doubt that Etherians really know much about their own history; their records seem sporadic to me, so they may or may not know that the First Ones weren’t actually the first sapients on the planet.

And Prime doesn’t really call them the First Ones; he simply acknowledges that that is what Adora and the Etherians call them. I don’t recall him calling them anything specific.

bc then when it comes to the whole, heart of etheria thing, and the runestones, and all of that? and then the princesses? I'm honestly just so confused as to how it all is supposed to fit together. bc then uh where did the five royal families come from to begin with? were the runestones there from the start? were those five families magically connected with those runestones from the start or were they only connected and whatnot after the first ones were all like "hey so uh, if you synch up to this rock you can do cooler magic" but then if etheria was already being ruled by several different courts of elemental royalty or wtf ever, then they couldnt really call themselves the first ones. but Also it's just (and I think you've addressed that the showrunners seem So Much More Interested in telling the catradora gf drama angst saga then fleshing out their world building lmao) it's kinda just like... why do all of these families only have one child? why do each of the princesses of power not have a sibling? like what if - considering mooooost of them seem to be orphans lol - one of them trips down the stairs and smacks their head on the floor and dies?? I guess uhhh, now your kingdom doesn't have a ruler??

So, my understanding of the runestones is that they were devices created by the First Ones in order to enhance and better control the magic of those naturally in tune with certain elemental aspects of the planet. I don’t think this is explicitly stated in canon, but I assume as much by extrapolating from the purpose of She-Ra’s sword. As we learn over the course of the show, the First Ones did not create She-Ra, but they did create the sword. She-Ra is an Etherian entity, some form of planetary guardian or what-have-you, and the First Ones created the runestone sword in order to control that entity and incorporate it into the Heart of Etheria. I would assume that the other runestones serve a similar purpose.

Now, as far as our current Etherians not knowing this: this is a fairly common sci-fi trope. The idea of the original purpose of something (usually some form of advanced tech) being lost as information is lost to the ages is often used to facilitate protagonists not immediately knowing what a thing is for. Like... oh, if you’ve ever read the Dragonriders of Pern series. That’s a good example: Earth colonists land on a planet, find it inhospitable, genetically engineer empathetic dragons to help fight the threat, and... well, people live there for generations, forget their origins, regress technologically, and just assume that there have always been dragons on Pern.

As far as single child Princesses and whatnot: likely a by-product of the show already having a million characters, and siblings not being needed for the plot! I mean, the show already had enough to deal with; no need to add more fluff.

and yeah it's a kids show but it doesnt ;__; none of the any of it makes sense to me.

what is the Heart of Etheria even supposed to Do again??? like we know it's a superweapon that channels magic and like, Mara trapped etheria in despondos 1000 years ago so my soft theory is that the first ones were maybe using it as a last ditch effort against Prime? I mean is the sword just.... gps coordinated to fire at prime regardless of where he is in the universe or whatever?? bc I mean at that point is prime on etheria's doorstep?? I don't! I dont understaaaand.

Well, since it never fires, we cannot know for certain, but Death Star-style planetary destroyer seems logical.

I do like the headcanon that it was actually a last ditch effort to defeat Prime, especially since we now know that the First Ones fought him and apparently lost!

This is an interesting concept to me because, while their colonization of Etheria is widely regarded as Bad, because colonialism is Bad, the idea that they did it in order to try to save their own lives, and potentially the lives of others in the universe, makes the situation far more morally grey than it might initially appear. Yes, their colonization harmed the Etherians, but might it have been worth it, if they had succeeded and killed Prime a thousand years ago? Would that have prevented the genocides he committed on other worlds? Would sacrificing Etheria have been worth it if, say, a thousand other inhabited planets had been spared as a result? Not a set of questions the show asks, but meaningful ones, in my opinion.

why does Prime want it? like is he not under the impression that messing with it is gonna like... pretty much blow up everything within a big ass huge af radius? he said something or other about purifying the universe and starting over or some nonsense like that but??? like you'd be dead too my guy. you might be egotistical and narcissistic and vain af but I dont think he's that stupid as to think he's somehow immune to giant fricken explosions.

Oh, I think he has some idea of how to survive it. He can body hop. He is, in some sense of the word, eternal because of that. If She-Ra hadn’t stepped in, he likely would have succeeded in continuing his existence. The way he speaks, one may even infer that this sort of thing has happened before.

But, hard to say! Thankfully, we don’t have to find out c:

and I'm just. I just wanna know more about the spop world at large you know?? like. I just want All the world building and backstory and explanations to things. I have so many questions.

anyway sorry for kinda dumping this giant wall of shrieking nonsense in your inbox I'm just like. I dont... I dont get it. I dont get any of it lmao and I wanna get it! like the whole universe of this show could be so cool and so fun and interesting but it's like... some of the pieces dont seem to.. f i t

yeah

Ah, such is the burden of a world that has only enough worldbuilding done to facilitate its story, no more and no less. But! At the same time, this means that we as viewers can infer many things from canon and fill in the blanks with whatever we prefer. Leading to a lovely variety of fandom content to amuse us for some time to come c:

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uh-velkommen · 4 years

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It all makes so much sense now. My first year of college I took a mental health assessment and it came up that I may struggle with PTSD. At first I was like, no? I mean I dont hear gunshots and run for cover? But lately I've been reminding myself that mental illness (much like sexuality lol) is a spectrum. People can experience symptoms of an illness that may not be so straightforward. Not everyone's experiences will be/have to be the same.

So then I found out about the BPD thing. Which lo and behold is a byproduct of PTSD. Not to mention that I've always insisted that I had some form of anger issues but never in the way that I've seen before (this is gonna be a reoccurring thing - comparing my experiences to ones I've seen in the media) and no amount of googling could give me the answer I was searching for. Now let's throw in the depression and anxiety. This is too much. Too many problems for one person to have. I'm trying to hard to be an emo kid. And the bingeing! The bad relationship with food! Then there's the dissociation. I keep recalling the incident that had led up to my stay at the psychiatric hotel because I'm trying to make myself feel bad about it. I asked my therapist if it was bad that I didnt feel bad about it. But then I learned that the reason I was feeling the way I did (i.e. nothing) was because it wasn't me who did what I did. All week people were telling me that what I did was bad and I just shrugged my shoulders. You're talking to the wrong guy here, I had nothing to do with it... (I'm not even gonna touch the wavering self image, that's a whole other can of worms)

Right, then a few days ago happens and it all clicks. I didnt have a million different illnesses. I just had one and those were the symptoms of it. That made me feel a little more normal. Still I cant shake that while everything the therapist told me about BPD, and everything she had read to me sounded 100% accurate, when doing the research and reading about other peoples experiences, I dont feel any relation. I'm thinking that BPD is a more outward, noticable thing and all the people in my life have been super oblivious to the signs. Either BPD isnt actually my issue or I'm just not doing it right?

Theeeeenn, I find out about Quiet BPD. And once again I get that feeling of excitement where I finally understand everything. It all makes sense now. My symptoms arent loud and obvious because they're quiet. I feel like a sexually confused kid who just discovered bisexuality. Theres a whole world out there with people who can relate to me. There are labels out there that can specify and clarify why I am the way I am. Disclaimer: I havent spoken with anyone yet about the Quiet BPD. I'm still researching about it but it feels right

#bpd #borderline personality disorder #ptsd #quiet borderline #quiet bpd #Borderline #me

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hyeri-yah · 4 years

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No way!!! International studies is so so cool! Could I ask you to just ramble about your favorite parts of it/about it? I've been considering it myself and haven't met anyone taking it on here! 😁 Also, what are you doing with it/hope to do! Hope you're having a great start to the week! 💕

this actually made me giggle!! let’s see...hmmm...International Relations isn’t really a popular major, but I do assure you it’s incredibly interesting!! I’m sure there are differences in the course material since I’m living in the Philippines, and it would be different anywhere else in the world (esp in regards to subjs relating to your country and its foreign policies). But I’ll list things I really love about this degree!! I’m gonna put a read more bc it’s kinda long lmaoooo

HISTORY!! POLITICS!! CULTURE!! OBSCURE GEOPOLITICAL THEORIES NO ONE REALLY HAS HEARD ABOUT EXCEPT FOR PROBABLY GERRYMANDERING!!

i’ll just say it, im a history nerd. I like reading world history and knowing how things happened and why. I think it’s pretty cool. I like reading about politics, how things just connect after you’ve realized the bigger picture. Culture is nice too, and it’s actually one of the best parts of this major!! Also you get to learn at least one language!!!

And then here comes the theories. There are a lot of them and they can come in all shapes, sizes and forms, and most of the time, they’re kind of too “out-there” to actually make sense. But when you could finally understand what the authors are trying to say (bc political book authors are sometimes not the best writers... fck u Heywood...), it’s such a rewarding epiphany.

The thing about this course is that, you shouldn’t take it if you’re not interested in these kinds of things because it could get reallyyyyyy boring. While I do love the topic, i have to admit I might’ve slept in class a few times.

MEETING LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE!!

This is the course that I actually met Leanne, who is one of my most trusted and closest friend ever. We just clicked, especially with our opinion on things and our love for History and Politics!!! We actually share our thoughts a lot of times, and we often stay talking for so many hours bc we just have a lot of things to share lmaoooo She’s really interested about Israel and the Middle East, while I have a lot of thoughts on East Asia.

It depends on your batch tho. Our classmates on the other hand seemed like they wanted to be somewhere else. They’re not particularly interested in the subject, and was just working hard for the grades. It’s understandable but a bit disappointing that only Leanne, Me, and another guy who’s pretty much proclaimed himself as a communist are the only ones who seemed to be enjoying.

MORE POLITICSSSSSSS

I really like how this course had widened my perspective on things, especially with how society has become more politically active. I used to be so vocal about my opinions, but after graduating, I just realized I often only know one side of things, and I shouldn’t really be too hasty/harsh with my words or even share them at all, when I don’t really know anything.

Contrary to popular belief, it’s up to you if you wanna go to the route of political activism, and you will definitely encounter it at university. I myself can’t handle it bc it affects my mental health so badly, I’d rather not do something triggering.

But!!! But!! But!! THIS COURSE ACTUALLY HELPED ME A LOT WITH WORLDBUILDING IN MY STORIES!! Since I’ve been learning a lot about countries/nations and how they work and why they do the things they do, I can use the same theories to make my own worlds more realistic in a sense.

I usually follow something like a Dialectic Materialism triangle (i heard it was by Marx but not sure!!! i dont wanna google at 2AM anymore) which explains that society’s decisions/inclinations/preferences are determined by its economics. It makes sense in a diagram hahahha I use it to make sense of why people in my stories think they way they do!!

Even if you were asking me about what I love about this, I’m not sure I can say anything without telling you the bad sides of it. Like I said, if topics like Politics, History, Economics, Theories, etc. doesn’t interest you, you really shouldn’t take this course. The same thing happened to our classmates. It’ll be like living hell. Because it’s not an easy major, even I hate it sometimes. You always have to read and read and read!! The course doesn’t stop at the material/book given. You gotta hit the library and find books about certain topics and follow the daily national and international news. It’s still a habit of mine I’ve brought to this day!!

The professors are shrewd, strict and downright mean (in our case), which I dont blame them for. The Diplomatic corps is a freakin hellhole if you’re not prepared to take in all the stress of constant work, anxiety of not making up to the standard (which is pretty high), and the whole dynamic and ever-changing nature of the tasks, you’re gonna go crazy. And I mean it not in the metaphorical sense. I was intern at our foreign ministry and I’ve heard stories.

But, that’s only if you plan on joining the Diplomatic corps lmaoooooo the major is such a worthwhile thing to take! It widens your perspective, and makes you more open to different political opinions ( i mean, you get to understand why people believe the things they do, because it is determined by a lot of factors), and it’s super helpful in my writing!!!

Finallyyyy,,,this major taught me something I always abide to now: “Cool head, Warm Hearts”

I think I’ll end it here!!!! If you have any more questions, feel free to hit me up again!!! Thanks for asking this hahahahha I really enjoyed going down memory lane ksksksks

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bigskydreaming · 5 years

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I’m so mad, I’m so.....fuck. I feel like this doctor had no intention of ever doing this surgery because its like ever since I actually CAME UP with the money, its been one thing after another about why I need to do this still or that, and it feels like they kept stalling or trying to get me to give up, like....idk, nothing I come up with makes SENSE, all I know is they were perfectly fine and helpful in getting me a diagnosis and scans, and then sent me off after I did the final molds/impressions and said the only thing left was they couldn’t move forward until I paid x amount of money...and then I did, and all of a sudden its oh that’s not the right amount, I don’t know who quoted you that (umm you) but actually we need 20K up front because insurance claims can’t be submitted until after treatment and we might not be reimbursed (which again, then why did YOU make me wait to send my insurance preauthorization requests if your policy is to make patients pay in full upfront and wait for reimbursement which...what)...and THEN if there was STILL never a chance of me getting this surgery without paying in full upfront, why did they make me wait around for another week and a half while we waited on getting my insurance approve an access to care form that made this doctor in network (previously she was out of network for my insurance, but I had my insurance check for in network providers and there’s no one in network within a 100 miles of me who does this specific surgery)....like, if even being in network, they still weren’t going to take Blue Shield’s formal, written letter detailing what exactly was covered under my plan and they were intending to pay out....WHY WAIT FOR THIS FORM TO GO THROUGH AND GET THE LETTER BACK AT ALL????

It makes NO fucking sense. I feel like they never expected me to actually be able to come up with the money and idk what, like, she actually doesn’t know how to do the surgery or she doesn’t fucking doesn’t like me or want to or what like, lmfao I don’t even know, it MAKES NO SENSE.

But of course, its super obvious they were putting off calling me and hoping they could ride out the clock and I wouldn’t call today because I can tell the office manager doesn’t like being the go between and having to only give me bad news, but like, tough, that’s your fucking job, and maybe if you’d been a little less ‘gentle’ about it and just flat out admitted you guys were never gonna fucking do this surgery for me, I wouldn’t have WASTED an entire fucking month sitting on my ass, draining my account of money I can’t afford to waste, because my shitty jaw has progressed to the point where I can barely sleep, barely even eat because I have to manually fucking close it with my hand when I chew anything harder than rice, lmfao, and just....

God. The only thing I can think of to do now is try calling every other oral/maxillofacial surgeon in the county and see if they can do these procedures and accept my insurance. I know there’s no in network ones, and I already checked and my insurance can’t help me find a list of out of network ones, I have to basically just google every oral surgeon in LA and even though they’re all apparently out of network if they’re able to perform this surgery at all, I can at least probably get them in network by doing an access to care form again with them too, like since clearly this doctor turned out to not be a viable option? Idek man. Ugh. Jfc. And who knows how long this is gonna take. Ugh if they’d at least just fucking owned up to it and just called me this morning when they decided this still didn’t change shit, I could have had all day to be calling other offices instead of waiting for them to call and hoping this time at least they were aware enough of my DESPERATE FUCKING SENSE OF URGENCY BECAUSE HAVE I MENTIONED CONSTANT FUCKING OWWWWW AND ALSO HEY MY COMPLETE INABILITY TO FUNCTION IN ANY KIND OF MEASURABLY PRODUCTIVE WAY??? that they’d actually KEEP their word this time about calling when they said they’d call.

Now of course, none of these places are open on Saturday from the looks of it, so I won’t even be able to START calling around until Monday, and ugh. jfc. why. why the fuck did they string me along all fucking month if they knew at the end of it all no matter what, they weren’t gonna budge from trying to get me to pay 20K upfront, out of pocket, like I hadn’t told them from the START there was no way I could manage that, and hadn’t told them AGAIN when they TOOK my fucking money in the first place, when I paid them the $6,200 they INITIALLY told me would be my downpayment for this surgery, like I told them THEN that getting the loan for $10K in order to come up with the EXACT amount they specified took every bit of goodwill I could wring out of a lender with the credit I do have and there was ZERO chance of me coming up with ANYTHING more than that amount upfront....so why the fuck didn’t they tell me at least THEN when they ‘corrected’ me on the amount that it didn’t matter HOW MANY fucking hoops I jumped through with my insurance to try and get this doctor the reassurance or surety that they’d be reimbursed for x amount by Blue Shield...like....I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING ALL THIS A GODDAMN MONTH AGO. I’ve been waiting TWO YEARS for a fix to this shit that affects EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of my life, I FINALLY got a fucking diagnosis, a doctor who told me she could fix it, who said she could restore full function and wipe out the problems I have from it completely, no more headaches, no more pain, no more vertigo, no more nerve flareups....and now turns out I’ve wasted ANOTHER full month that got me not a single fucking step closer to this being DONE and FIXED and like.....

I’m so mad. And just. So frustrated. And SO. FUCKING. TIRED. Jfc. I hate them, I really fucking do, like they literally just fucking don’t give a shit no matter how many times I really fucking calmly and civilly lol tried to express how much it gets worse every single day like it has been CONSISTENTLY for the past two years, like never fucking plateauing, no matter HOW bad I think its gotten, it ALWAYS fucking manages to find a way to surprise me when I wake up the next day and yet AGAIN its somehow managed to shift so things are just enough different I NEVER get a chance to even get used to a ‘new normal’ and just fucking adjust to it, as shitty as it might be....ugh. God. I’m just.

LMFAO I honestly think right now I hate this doctor more than the fucking gay-bashers who caused this fucking drama by kicking me in the goddamn face over and over 15 fucking years ago and if THAT’S not hysterically fucked up I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT IS.

Anyway. So that’s my mood tonight, how’s everyone else doing? LOL.

This might be a longshot, but on the off chance that ANYONE knows or is friends with or related to an oral surgeon or oral maxillofacial surgeon in the greater LA area, like, this specifically is what I’ve been told I need to get done:

I need a Mandibular splint, a Total joint surgery on the left tmj (Temporomandibular joint) and an Orthognathic surgery. They specifically ruled out that I didn’t need a jaw replacement surgery because I have enough of the original bone that goes in that joint like, still there, so I didn’t actually need to get a prosthetic joint or the jaw replacement surgery which is apparently riskier and less effective anyway? Idek. If I can even trust anything they told me at this point, lmfao, but let’s just assume I can because not sure this fucker’s depression hour can handle thinking I might have to start back from square one NOPE NOT GONNA HAPPEN NOT THIS GUY I FUCKING REFUSE.

LOL as though my objections have any fucking effect on any of this anyway. BUT I DIGRESS. So yeah, that’s what I supposedly need done, I actually have really fucking good and expensive Blue Shield insurance that I’ve gouged myself a new asshole getting and keeping this year, not to mention needed donation posts and help with that just to still ultimately scrape by and not lose it, all specifically because I knew there was not a chance in hell I could ever afford the treatment I was being told I needed, like, out of pocket, and the irony is due to how expensive living out of a motel is and how like, I couldn’t afford to take any money AWAY from my many doctor visits in order to at any point this past year come up with enough money to put first and last month’s rent down on an apartment (and I look too much like a tweaker apparently, with constant twitches and fidgets and fixing my jaw, for like, anybody to want to just rent a room to me apparently, and even giving them the full story ended up seeming like “im too much drama” hahahaha oh LA I fucking HEART you sometimes), so there was never really any fucking alternative TO living out of motels currently, at least not until I can manage to stay upright on my feet long enough to get a part time job and use that to get a permanent address around here.....AND bottom line is in order to take in enough money from work and then ultimately from help with donations too, in order to keep my motels paid daily and not get kicked out and still manage to eat at least every other day....that was just enough money that it looks from my bank account that I make too much to need or justify Medicare taking on all this for me, ruling that out as an option, even though none of that money in my bank account was ever fucking LEFT by the end of each day after paying rent/food, and I usually only had like three bucks in my account by the time I went to bed each night....doesn’t fucking matter because lolol all they give a shit about is your MONTHLY statements. And I’m well past the point where I can even manage busing all the way around LA to downtown and shit in order to make the daily trips required to get Medicare offices to eventually give enough of a fuck to hear me out, like...a five minute bus ride to Best Buy today to buy a replacement keyboard for this laptop practically wiped me out ahahaha.

Anyway, I’m just venting and purging like I do. Don’t worry, I promise not to actually go supernova and ignite the atmosphere like I threatened earlier, that was all for show, we all know I’m WAY too petty and spiteful an asshole to ever settle for anything less than full fucking victory here and then like...eventual world domination because lol not like I’m letting those frathole rapist gaybasher fuck-offs WIN, like, have you MET me? I have survived this long on ire and spite, I will make it as far as I need to its, just...

*pathetic whines*

I dont fucking waaaaaaaaaaaaant to, I’m tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired, I wanna go to beeeeeeeeed.

Anyway, yeah. So if anyone like, is related to one of those surgical types or KNOWS someone who is, like, my good fucking insurance is set up to pay for having the operation done at Cedars fucking Sinai no matter who does it, like, as long as the doctor has any kind of pre-existing relationship with them, enough to get them to book an OR for them, I guess? I still dont fucking know how all this works, apparently Grey’s Anatomy is not an accurate source, who knew, how dare.

Like but yeah, the endpoint of that particular stream of consciousness vomit was if anyone knows ANYONE who knows ANYTHING about ANY of that surgical medicalese blah blah blah that I posted, like...my anons are open, feel free to pop in with a name and number or suggestion or referral or whatever the fuck, I will take ANY connection no matter how flimsy if it exists at all, I don’t care if its your second grade teacher’s dog’s veterinarians second cousin by marriage’s roommate. That’s GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

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britneyshakespeare · 5 years

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thanks nancy @pavlovers for tagging me 💖✨🤧 now i get to talk to myself which is my favorite thing ever

rules– answer 21 questions and then tag 21 people who you want to get to know better

nickname(s): a couple, but i wish i had more epithets. the mysterious one. (the bi ace poetess)

zodiac sign: i blow in my tissue more personal information than this

height: 5′7

last movie I saw: uh i dont know but i got a bad movie night coming up w a bunch of my new College Friends (i became cool recently but only w a bunch of white improv guys so it’s... small prize i guess) and we’re gonna watch the room and a bunch of other shitfests like that. it’ll be. fun. two of them own matching tommy wiseau boxers. i hate to say it but i looked it up after and

they’re kinda stylish.

last thing I googled: well, now it’s tommy wiseau boxers.

favourite musician: 💖💗💕💞💞✨ MARiANNE ✨💞💞💕💗💖 FAITHFULL 🐇🌸🌷😘😍😸 BARONESS VON SACHER-MASOCH 😸😍😘🌷🌸🐇

song stuck in my head: i was talking to kaily in the car on the way to barnes & noble, and i said something about DNCE’s cover of Do Ya Think I’m Sexy with Rod Stewart, and then when i was waiting in line to pay, it came on in the store. DNCE’s cover of Do Ya Think I’m Sexy with Rod Stewart.

other blogs: follow @creatediana if you want my body and if you think i’m sexy (come on sugar tell me so)

following: 839

followers: 2885

do I get asks: yeah a little. little asks. very small ones.

amount of sleep: certainly enough

lucky numbers: i almost bought paradise lost by john milton when i was in barnes & noble and i was really tempted to, because i’m an early-modern english slut, but i’ve been in the middle of the knight’s tale (from chaucer’s canterbury tales) for weeks now in between a bunch of other reads. but you know, paradise lost is comparable to canterbury tales, because they’re both long english poems. but i’m rereading frankenstein by mary shelley for the first time since i was a SOPHOMORE IN HIGH SCHOOL (which references paradise lost and it’s quite thematically significant), and it’s really fascinating. and i haven’t read paradise lost in full, i feel like i HAVE to do that at some point. no, i don’t feel like it, i KNOW it. i do have to read milton. perhaps after i read more of the complete poems of alexander pope i got for christmas, i’m still in the pastorals, but really, i have so many volumes of poetry. most of which are cracked, because, like, no one just sits down and reads an entire volume of poetry in a couple of days like it’s a novel. yuck. no. you let it sit. i’ve been reading the complete poems of w. b. yeats for at least like a year and a half (serially. i’ve read random pieces here and there since 2016ish). and i like letting a poet’s works be a slow burn. but then again, most of my volumes ARE complete works. such as yeats, pope, rossetti, anne sexton. and others are collected but not complete, just highlights, like shelley, plath, tennyson. truly i don’t own many volumes which were meant to be read all together at once, which were published purposefully together and written in accord. but i do have canterbury tales, and the knight’s tale, that’s an especially long tale. it’s like, 2000+ lines. i can’t even tell you how many i’ve read. i started it as something i’d read between classes at college but i just finished finals on friday and don’t go back till september. and whenever i told myself i’d read something at school i typically didn’t, because when i have a free moment at school to really dig into a nice long-form reading, i’d just rather write something myself. i need to finish the knight’s tale before long, though, so i don’t forget everything about palamon and arcite and emily. i’m so silly for thinking i should’ve bought paradise lost. i’m so silly! i haven’t even finished canterbury tales. no, diana, you can buy paradise lost another day.

(what i did buy was two volumes of maya angelou & margaret atwood because i was feeling very modern poetry & very feminist. i prioritize Lady Literature always, i tell myself whenever i buy books that it’d be a disgrace if i put ALL of my money towards men—yuck!)

what I’m wearing: oh it’s a total Teacher Outfit.

dream job: siren perhaps. poet. unrealistically wealthy teacher. enjoyable and electrifying widow who lives in a big house w a private library and has regular wine and cheese tastings on the second floor, mingling with a bunch of intellectuals and dilettantes, all of whom have at least mild disregard for each other but come for the appearance of being a member of High Society.

dream trip: i don’t think much about visiting PLACES so much as EVENTS. i always think it’d be much better to travel through time than space. if i could take a vacation into, say, early victorian england and hang out w the bronte sisters. or if i could mingle amongst the preraphaelites and pose for rossetti or waterhouse. pop into the 60s and fiddle around a melody on some exotic instruments with brian jones. those kinds of fantasies amuse me more than going to just, places. patches of dirt. i don’t like dirt, i like art and people.

favourite food: i eat more chocolate than anything else. that’s barely an exaggeration.

instruments played: haven’t played much of anything in awhile, but i’m trained in guitar.

languages: english is the only language i feel so privileged as to say i can speak and write comfortably, but i can read/understand varying levels of spanish, french, latin.

favourite songs: poem 16 by catullus

just a little taste.

no actually that reminds me awhile ago i found some guy who made a bunch of catullus lines into a bad rap song and i love it.

random fact: my dogs are very very good & i love them.

aesthetic: i’m standing on a sidewalk i see w my eyeball watchin all these couples pass me by like that’s what i want china (that’s me) why did you break away like taiwan thinkin bout you every night like sleepin w the lights on

kay i’ll tag some buddies now whom i love @laurenthelyricist @sneez @bohemian-brian @captainweirdboots @mylittlehappy and you know. anyone else who sees this & wants to do it. just tag me i’ll be happy. :-)

#this ended up being more chaotic than expected #tag

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terramythos · 5 years

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My thoughts on October Daye #12 “Night and Silence” oooor “Dammit, Janet!” (suggestion courtesy of @mistressofmuses ).

And with this I am officially all caught up! Well, I haven’t read all the novellas and short stories, but caught up on the main series. Now I have to wait for #13 this year like a normal person! Gah!

-So, leading off from all the horrible shit that happened last book, things aren't going.. great.

-You know that intense, extreme trauma 2 members of the main cast experienced @ the end of last book? Yeah that. Didnt go away

-There's a line about how Tybalt keeps seeing Toby as her mother Amandine... the person who kidnapped and basically tortured him last book. And he's basically terrified of shapeshifting at all and has just stayed in his humanoid form. And he's refusing help from anyone and disappearing for long stretches. And maybe going just a little bit Fuckening Crazy. G-great start, guys!

-And there's a flashback where he's just MEAN and like you can understand why but MAJOR YIKES and also pain.

Ok unexpected May feels ;-;

-Gillian Is Missing Again but I have a feeling this is not gonna be much of a retread...

-And.. boy this sure is a callback huh? May and Quentin being the found family, Gillian is missing, Tybalt is antagonistic...

-ok Jocelyn is a creepy fangirl character

-ok I'm 5 chapters in and wondering where this is going. Apparently there's Quite The Twist in this one or at least that's what I suspect is going to happen

-oooohkay they find like this weird pocket dimension with like. A miniature house that is also a chicken (and no one even mentions Baba Yaga). And idk what it is about the scene but it is fucking eerie and creepy as hell somehow.

Shade appeared in like book 6 as a Literal Cat so.. here she is showing up and being relevant for 5 minutes

-but what the FUCK is with this place. I got nothing and that exposition just raises more questions. There's no magic scent at all (except MAYBE cinammon), a bunch of rare fucking plants, and a fucking miniature baba yaga hut just wandering around

-that opens another rabbit hole because Golden Gate Park is ALSO completely unclaimed for no particular reason 🤔

This might be a waste of picture and might get deleted later but like, that's fucking creepy, right???

-god I know there HAS to be someone with cinnamon in their magical signature who we've MET but... it's been 12 books, dog. I dont fuckin remember

-The closest I can think is Simon with "mulled cider" because that's cinnamony... BUT it's pretty unlikely he did this, and that part of his magical signature is PRE corruption and we have the corrupted version running around.

-We just found a SECOND creepy unexplainable house hidden in plain sight so that's starting to feel Thematic.

-And she smells the false Queen's magic in this house :) someone supposedly asleep for 100 years in Silences. So that's great.

-Aaand there's Gillain! Not even halfway through the book. Way too easy.

-It's not Gillian. It's a Baoban Sith which is apparently *googling* a.. vampire. Ok

-My crack theory is pretty much dead in the water lol

There's more than this bit but ;---; fuck dude

-But yeah! After a book and a half of hiatus, Tybalt's back! A little.. broken and suffering from severe PTSD, but you know.

-They go to Goldengreen based on a hint and Marcia is there baking cinnamon rolls. It really stresses the fact that she's making cinnamon rolls.

UM.

-.... holy shit.

-Ok. Ok ok. Assuming that's the truth that means Amandine's mother was.. a human? Making her a fucking CHANGELING Firstborn? What the fuuuuuck

-Oh that is fucking hysterical with what a fucking blood purist Amandine is. She looks down upon changelings and the beast races SO MUCH. Janet implies Amandine has no idea her mother was human, or at least never knew Janet. I'd bet she figured out she was part human because the Dochas Sidhe's whole deal is messing with one's heritage for fun results. Gosh. Hmm.

-And this mirrors everyone hiding October's heritage from her BEAUTIFULLY.

-I don't remember quite when "Miranda" was introduced but it was pretty early on. And now that I think of it there was NO REASON for her to fucking exist! What the fuck! The story would have made just as much sense with Cliff being a single dad raising Gillian. Miranda was just an antagonistic extra detail who didn’t... really do much. God damn it.

-Cliff “accidentally” marrying Toby's maternal grandmother who is somehow Human and also like, alive, in order to help raise Toby's daughter is. Fucking Something, huh.

Oh lore??? (Oberon, King of Faerie, kinda a nice guy it turns out, accidentally knocks up a human. Uh... whoops?)

-Fuck dude, that was the blood memory flashback we had in book 9. The Luidaeg begging her mom not to leave on The Ride. Oof.

-So Janet is, yes indeed human and YES INDEED Toby’s grandmother. She’s cursed with immortality because of all that shit she pulled.

-And BOY does that lore regarding Janet make the whole "Amandine was doted on and given everything she ever asked for" make sense cause... THAT'S WHAT THEY DID WITH HUMANS. And here we have a fucking FIRSTBORN born from a fucking HUMAN. Gosh. Jeez.

-and Katy pointed out to me that that's a big book 3 reference because Toby's family holds her down when THEY try to remove her from Blind Michael's version of the Ride, and SHE wildly shapeshifts through dozens of forms.It was a Tam Lin retelling only I don’t think I ever expected the actual thing to be relevant.

-And FUCK Evening/Eira, by the way. I think that goes without saying at this point.

-So is Blind Michael's Ride supposed to be a replacement of the old one? 500 years ago the fae used The Ride to sacrifice a human every 7 years--until Tam Lin and Janet fucked it up. Fast forward to the present and we had Blind Michael showing up every couple years stealing children for what HE called The Ride.

-soooo Toby killing Blind Michael might have not been a great thing if you follow that line of reasoning. I mean, he was a fucking monster, BUT... Because The Ride is supposedly to maintain balance, hence the sacrifices. Whatever the fuck that ultimately means. And by stopping it...

-Add that on to all the stuff last book about how Blind Michael wasn't always such a shitty person, and... uh hmmm.

-OK this part might be a stretch but: the Dochas Sidhe are the only descendants we know of that are just... one hundred percent descended from one of the Three. The human part is largely irrelevant in fae terms. They’re directly Oberon’s, not some mix of Maeve/Oberon or Titania/Oberon. Would that mean Oberon is actually Dochas Sidhe? He did, after all, create the hope chests, and the Dochas Sidhe are literally living, breathing hope chests. IDK MAN.

Tybalt, PLEASE.

-So it is, predictably, the false Queen behind this whole situation, helped by Jocelyn. And I just FUCKING REMEMBERED that it was that dickbag Dugan who had cinnamon in his magical signature .-.

-The Baoban Sith just be like "yeah sorry about almost eating you I uh straight up hadn't eaten in 40 years lol. Anyway I'm Kennis, what's up?"

OH FUCK! I FUCKING *CALLED* THIS SHIT OUT IN BOOK SIX! I remember it being mentioned offhand as something that could happen. I fucking KNEW we were going to turn a character into a Selkie for plot reasons. But I gotta say I didn't expect it to be Gillian!

FUCK DUDE ;___; in this house we stan The Luidaeg. Best character. I'm not crying. (I am.)

-She has a line a few pages later about anxiety and catastrophic thinking, and how what you THINK will happen is never as bad as what actually happens. She compares it to "chasing the tide" and honestly that's such a useful metaphor, as someone often caught in that trap...

-They take down Dugan, yay, he was a loose end. He's not DEAD, but.. This is another one where the villain felt pretty secondary to the big plot revelations.

-And Tybalt stepped down (temporarily) as King. Jolgeir's daughter is apparently going to temporarily take things over so I expect we will be introduced to her later??

---

-And, like the last few books, theres a novella epilogue at the end. This one is "Suffer a Sea-Change" and looks to be from Gillian's perspective.

-ok so Gillian has this whole scene where she TALKS to Firtha (whose skin she's wearing now) and I can't help but wonder if all selkies have this weird scene with the Roane whose skin they inherit when they ascend or whatever?

-The Answer Is "No", The Story Explicitly Says

-Gillian is honestly pretty funny. She's up to here with this bullshit.

-The Luidaeg would like to remind everyone that she’s nice to October and Quentin but she’s not actually all that nice to most other people and Definitely Has Her Own Agenda. Although she seems to have taken in Poppy as an apprentice of sorts so... *vague shrugging*

-And The Luidaeg speaking fondly about her "little brother Michael" who liked interior decorating despite being entirely blind. This is my uncomfortable face based on all my Analysis earlier.

-So Gillian is a Selkie now! That's not a twist I expected. And the next book (not out until September) is about The Luidaeg finally calling in their debts. So uh. That was one hell of a way to make the stakes personal on that.

-Im probably gonna make a master post overview of the series now that I read the whole thing in relatively short order. I'm glad I'll have a chance to read other books, but I'm anxious for the next one too based on the recent developments...

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littlelovelymemes · 6 years

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✰ — — * MORE POPULAR TEXT POST STARTERS

‘ when i figure out how to die without hurting my mom’s feelings it’s over for me, bitches ’ ‘ 420 stands for “4got 2 0pologize” ’ ‘ all millennials do is commit minor felonies and be gay ’ ‘ hoodies are one of the most powerful and underappreciated articles of clothing. cold? put on a hoodie. raining? put on a hoodie. no bra? put on a hoodie. nothing to wear? hoodie. cripplingly low self esteem? you already know. so versatile! so multifaceted! ’ ‘ i thought christmas was like… next friday or something its in like 3 days fuck ’ ‘ if you’re not in love with me by 00:00:00 jan 1 then just block me. i don’t need that kind of energy following me into the new year ’ ‘ who needs ghosts? haunt your own house. wander around your own living room wailing and crying ’ ‘ my kink is not opening messages and pretending theyre not there ’ ‘ u know when ur growing out of phases and mindsets but u haven’t found where exactly ur shift in identity is going yet? that’s tonight’s mood ’ ‘ me @ me: don’t start buddy don’t you dare ’ ‘ there are people you haven’t met yet who will love you ’ ‘ god knew what she was doing when she made bruno mars short if he had been tall he would be too powerful ’ ‘ motivation? haven’t heard of her in years how she doin ’ ‘ Do you think people with LED headlights know that everyone hates them? Like…really hates them in an oddly personal way? Do you think they know? ’ ‘ and the final mood for 2017 is: you know those days where you’re like, this might as well happen? ’ ‘ putting more importance into self care, spirituality, love and peace of mind. start with stretching and deep breathing. ’ ‘ dont forget to tell someone you love that you love them, thank people who deserve to be thanked, be more patient on people having a hard time, be more considerate, understanding, and be kinder, always. ’ ‘ do you think in the 1700s there were people who were like nah man Mozart’s a total sellout I only listen to peasants beating things with sticks it’s way more authentic ’ ‘ 2032 is gonna be my year just u wait ’ ‘ I want a “I made a playlist for you” typa love ’ ‘ @ 2018 the bar is literally so low ’ ‘ Just because you don’t look like somebody who you think is attractive doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive. Flowers are pretty, but so are sunsets and they look nothing alike. ’ ‘ i have a “why am i like this” moment at least five times a day ’ ‘ very sad to hear about donald trump. nothing happened to him i’m just sad to hear about him ’ ‘ *me, eyes wide open at 3am* what happened to chandler bing once he got to yemen ’ ‘ tonight’s mood is the deep desire to be held close in a dimly lit room, covered in blankets while rain is softly falling outside ’ ‘ do ya ever bring your pet up to a mirror and ur like “that you” ’ ‘ i guess im just too fucking dumb to lucid dream. cant ever realize im in a dream, i’ll look around me like damn i’m in my old elementary school and my teeth are falling out and im naked? well shit guess this is my life now. got fooled by my subconscious again lads ’ ‘ u ever get no sleep and the next day ur body functions like the tumblr app ’ ‘ you ever wonder how many people you’re in the “we’re friends but i would kiss you if you asked” club with ’ ‘ is anyone else just going through life like “yeah i just gotta get past this last difficult week and then it’s smooth sailing from there!” but like… every week ’ ‘ The only thing toxic that you should still be in contact with is that song Britney Spears made, because that song is lit. ’ ‘ imagine if you named your kid dad. just dad. ’ ‘ take care of yourself, please. i don’t know what id do if anything happened to you. ’ ‘ crazy how personal growth can make you let go of people you swore you couldn’t live without. ’ ‘ im in no position to have high standards but it doesn’t stop me ’ ‘ you can start over at anytime. your day is not ruined. your world is not over. take a deep breath. start over. ’ ‘ I’m gonna have a bomb ass life and I know it cause I’ve suffered so much and I know that wasn’t for no reason ’ ‘ you ever just get in bed and ur like yep this is where i’m meant to be ’ ‘ an unstoppable force (my love of books) meets an unmovable object (my lack of a desire to actually read anything) ’ ‘ i just have this persistent feeling of “i’m not doing enough” combined with “i don’t have the energy to do anything” and it just really fucking sucks ’ ‘ sorry I haven’t replied to ur texts I’ve been overwhelmed by literally anything that’s ever happened or will happen ’ ‘ me when i see a wild animal in a metropolitan area: reclaim your space, we are the invaders, retake what is yours ’ ‘ no offense but money would solve literally every single one of my problems. like all of them. i dont have a single problem that money wouldnt immediately solve ’ ‘ i am not enough and it’s eating me alive ’ ‘ what do u mean “what have i been up to” … i’m out here ruining my own life as always bitch ’ ‘ always remember that love will always come back to u. in a different form, different person, different hobby, different touch. but in any way, love will always come back. ’ ‘ The struggle between me wanting to be successful and me wanting to lay in bed 24/7 ’ ‘ If you play “Feeling Myself” by Nicki Minaj and Beyoncé at exactly 11:58:50 pm on New Year’s Eve, Beyoncé will say “World Stop” in 2017 and “Carry On” in 2018. ’ ‘ Self care is putting absurd amounts of parmesan cheese on your pasta ’ ‘ you ever just like “wow that’s my voice? people listen to this clown on a daily basis?” ’ ‘ ravioli ravioli give me a reason to live ’ ‘ finally worked up the courage to tell the starbucks girl she was beautiful and i only puked twice ’ ‘ do i wanna know??? no. but thank u monkey friends ’ ‘ hey this is kinda ns.fw but i wann h*ld your h*nd ’ ‘ talent: overthinking ’ ‘ have you ever had that feeling that you really wanna workout to get a flat stomach… but you also just wanna eat pizza and watch netflix. ’ ‘ if you google eyebrows are you eyebrowsing ’ ‘ *skips tutorial* how the fuck do you play this game ’ ‘ Literally heard a convo at the library where a guy was telling a girl that he’s an omega and the girl telling him that she’s a beta, and my mind just did not automatically connect the context to fraternity pledge classes at all and I just whispered to myself “what the fuck?? What the fuck??” ’ ‘ my hands? ready to be held ’ ‘ Catch These Hands! with your hands. we’re holding hands now. this is nice ’ ‘ kinda weird that u can think about someone as much as u want and they have no idea ’ ‘ physically, yes, i could fight a bird. but emotionally? imagine the toll ’ ‘ I would rather wander around a store for 9 hours than ask an employee where something is and this I do not understand ’ ‘ my childhood, or, as i like to call it, the general abyss with one or two memories attached to it ’ ‘ i know ‘gay’ isn’t an emotion but let’s be real,,,,,,,,,it kind of is and i feel it 24/7 ’ ‘ babe get ready for a night on the town, i just found an old Subway gift card and there’s still $9.45 left on it ’ ‘ just because the past didn’t turn out like you wanted it to, doesn’t mean your future can’t be better than you ever imagined ’ ‘ i’m the person who’s 100% down for spontaneous adventures but also 100% down to lay in bed all day. i’m on both ends of the spectrum ’ ‘ this year has changed me more than I ever thought it would. ’ ‘ it’s ok to disappear for a lil while and get your shit together. ’ ‘ if you wanna love me hmu ’ ‘ calling me baby makes me so freakin weak ’ ‘ i’m that one guy on spongebob always screaming about his leg ’ ‘ remember to drink a fucking shit ton of water every miserable day of ur life ’ ‘ i just want someone who’s excited to make out with me and text me all the time. ’ ‘ never apologize for your giant dogs getting overexcited, if i get taken down by a 100 pound mass of fluff then that’s how i go. ’ ‘ when i figure out how to die without hurting my mom’s feelings it’s over for me, bitches ’ ‘ THIS GUY JUST ASKED ME WHAT MY NAME WAS AND I DIDNT UNDERSTAND WHAT HE SAID SO I SAID 4:45 ’ ‘ my blood is glow stick juice. thats why all my bones crack when i move. ’ ‘ are cute dates and rough sex too much to ask for ’ ‘ honestly, my goal in life is just to be a very warm person. i want to be as loving and as kind as i can be. ’ ‘ just a small dumb bitch…. living in a lonely ditch ’ ‘ you’re not selfish for wanting to be treated well ’ ‘ when y'all fake conversations in your heads do you sometimes say random sentences out loud too? i was just tying my shoes and said very sternly and loudly “i DO know how ants work, fucker” ’ ‘ true space facts: if u look up there it is ’ ‘ anyone else bummed they have 2 sleep alone tonight and uh not in some1s arms ’ ‘ how am i sensitive and a bitch at the same time ’

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