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slightlyrebelliouswriter23 · 3 years

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Writing smut without cringing the whole time? How do you do it.

Writing Smut 101: Overcoming Smut Shame

CONTENT WARNING: NSFW RELATED CONTENT BELOW.

The short answer, nonnie, is: you don’t.

That is to say, writing smut is always kind of cringe—especially if you’re new to it, or simply “not in the mood” to write.

But rest assured, feeling embarrassed is completely natural. The trick is learning how to overcome the cringe when it does happen, instead of letting it deter you.

I’m going to break this up into a few sections: 1) Why you might be feeling this way, 2) How I, personally, combat the issue, and 3) Some more tips that might help you get the ball rolling.

1. Why You “Cringe”

It’s important to find the root cause of any form of writer’s block so you can pull the weed out instead of just trimming it back. Smut writer’s block is its own special brand, and generally, the main issue writers have when it comes to smut is stigma.

Speaking openly and honestly about sex, in Western society, is still very much a taboo.

No matter how “progressive” we like to think we are, the inherent shame surrounding pleasure-seeking experiences, and the detailing/consumption of them, has been ground into us since we learned how to understand the concept of gratification.

And I’m not just talking about sexual gratification. This applies to everyday things, as well. Eating, shopping, relaxing (or doing virtually anything in capitalist society that does not directly contribute to capitalism).

So it makes sense that you would feel any amount of embarrassment, awkwardness, or “cringe” when writing smut. It’s something our society teaches us is wrong to want. Unfortunately, that shame translates to writer’s block when we sit down in front of the computer.

A lot of this blockage might stem from not giving ourselves permission to write the thing.

We’re staring at the blank document, knowing we want to write smut, and suddenly the thoughts start streaming in: This feels wrong, is this wrong? What if someone comes in and looks over my shoulder while I’m writing? Am I describing this right? Is this too unrealistic? I have NO idea what I’m doing, and everyone is going to know it.

These are all perfectly normal thoughts, and definitely ones I still have from time to time. But they’re also probably the direct cause of why you feel so blocked. Luckily, I have some bits of advice to give you on how to unblock yourself.

2. How I Combat Smut Block

✦ First, when the intrusive thoughts occur, instead of ruminating on them, think of each one as an impermanent object. You can use any metaphor, but I like to use the imagery of leaves:

Each negative thought is a leaf floating down the river of your mind. If you focus only on the leaf, you’ll exert a lot of energy running to try and keep up with it, consequently miss everything else around you. But if you acknowledge that leaf as a temporary part of the scenery, and let is pass, you can process and appreciate the beauty of your surroundings a whole lot better.

Remember: you are separate from your thoughts. You are not defined by them. The things you think sound stupid might be incredibly exciting to someone else.

If you can string a sentence together, you can write smut. This is all part of giving yourself permission to write the thing that makes you feel uncomfortable.

✦ Second, I’d suggest giving good thought to how you personally experience embarrassment, how you experience excitement (of the sexual variety), and how those two might sometimes commingle or feel similar.

For me, they are very comparable, like different shades of the same emotion—but there are differences which are important to note.

If I’m making myself blush from excitement, this is a very good thing for writing smut. It means that what I’m writing feels real enough to evoke something in the reader, even if the reader, like me, knows what’s going to happen.

If I’m making myself cringe, however, it may be time to take a step back and readjust my perspective.

✦ Third, ease yourself into it! Don’t jump straight in the deep end and expect to know how to keep your head above water if you’ve never swum before.

The way I eased myself into smut was first by writing “Steam”—a category of fic I made up because the current vocabulary lacked an efficient term for fics that straddled emotional romance and explicit content.

Essentially, steam is smut-adjacent but not explicit, and here’s a step-by-step example of how I transitioned myself smoothly from one genre to the next:

I first wrote my fics Wicked Game and You Are (both of which feature either a heavy make out session or teasing + lots of sexual tension) with this “steam” concept in mind.

I wrote the first chapter of Fine Line, which has brief but explicit descriptions of fantasies, framed by a very sexually charged scene.

I released my fic Crashing, which is probably more of a bridge between Steam and Smut, and features soft-focus fingering. Nothing in it is explicit—it focuses more on the emotions than explicit detail—but it’s very clear what is happening.

After I wrote those, I felt just confident enough to make that final stride over the threshold into smut. I wrote my fics Holy, King, and the second chapter of Fine Line all within weeks of each other.

And trust me when I say, once you get the momentum going and receive that validation from people who’ve read your work, it becomes SO much easier to sit down and start writing.

You just have to finish that first piece.

✦ Finally (and I know I’m going to sound cliche when I say this), just like any other skill, the more you practice the more confident you will feel and the better you will get.

So practice, practice, practice!

If you’re nervous about posting smut for the first time, have a trusted friend/mutual Beta read it for you. It’s the online equivalent to someone holding your hand before jumping off the cliff, and works wonders for the nerves.

3. Keep The Smut Rolling

Now that you have some tools to help get you past the blockage of writing smut, here’s how to keep the inspiration flowing.

✦ Start by incorporating smutty fanfiction/erotic fiction into your regular reading rotation-

Of course AO3 is a fantastic resource for smutty fanfiction.

If you’re a fan of TFOTA or ACOTAR and want some of my personal fic recs, visit my fic rec masterlist.

In terms of erotic fiction, my personal favourites are anything Anais Nin (specifically Henry & June and Delta of Venus), The Thornchapel series by Sierra Simone, The Godwicks series by Tiffany Reisz, and The Original Sinners series by Tiffany Reisz.

There are also sites like Literotica and sexstories.com, which play host to explicit short fiction (not fandom based).

✦ Next, I’d recommend having a designated digital space for smutspiration-

This can be a list of “smutty” words/phrases kept on a separate document on your computer, for those days when you just can’t think of the right way to describe something.

Or you can create a private side-blog or Pinterest board for your favourite smutty fanart or other kinds of visual smutspiration.

✦ For that matter, try following some smutty/18+ blogs (ONLY IF YOU’RE 18+) here on Tumblr-

Many of them have a plethora of what I like to call “lemony snippets”, a.k.a. short text posts that describe (usually in conversational language) explicit scenarios.

This is useful because it will normalise the concept of sexual fantasies in your brain, making it less weird for you when you try to come up with ones of your own to write into smut.

Not to mention, your dash will be rife with inspiration.

✦ I would also suggest checking out 18+ ASMR on YouTube (AGAIN, ONLY IF YOU’RE 18+).

My favourite account is Professor Cal Official, but Auralescent also has some good content.

Headphones are highly advisable for this, as their stuff is very dangerous for work.

So, nonnie, I hope this has provided you with at least one helpful tip. Whether you took anything away from this or not, just know that the feelings of embarrassment when it comes to writing smut are entirely normal. And the best way to keep those feelings at bay is to confront them head on.

-Em 🖤🗡

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insfiringyou · 3 years

Text

BTS - Going Solo (Part One) - Jimin x Ara

Contains: Angst. *Potential trigger warning for descriptions of panic attacks*

Set a few months following their scene in ‘Private Moments’, Ara is faced with a decision which will change the course of her future.

(Part Two will be uploaded soon, after a few fics focusing on some of the other members.)

You can find out more about our headcanon universe and ongoing storyline here and more about our headcanon girlfriends here.

To read each member & their girlfriend’s headcanon universe fics in order, follow the links here: RM / Jin / Suga / J-Hope / Jimin / V / Jungkook & our full masterlist of fanart and fanfictions can be found here

If you wish to follow all member’s storylines in chronological order from the beginning, you can find them listed here.

Content below the cut

‘Jimin,

We just spoke, and you asked if I was happy. I think I am. At least most days.’

Ara typed slowly. Her nails had just been manicured and were longer than she was used to. The sound of acrylics against the keyboard rang through the small hotel room.

‘When I’m with you I can feel really happy. You can be so sweet and loving and I appreciate you always check up on me - to make sure I’m okay. Touring is hard. You know it better than anybody else, and you tried to prepare me for it.’

She gave a soft sigh, knowing no one else would hear. The words were spilling out of her fingers before her brain had time to catch up, though she knew based on experience she would eventually work out what she was trying to say. The room was dark and the white glow from the word document was starting to make her eyes water. The contact lenses had been in all day and were getting on her nerves. Still, she persevered. She could remove them once she had finished.

‘I’ve been asked to renew my contract.’

She stopped typing, heart thudding, and realised she felt scared. Her hand moved automatically to her stomach and she exhaled slowly before taking a deep, drawn out breath. She had been practicing and it had gotten easier. At first she would panic, and find her chest rising and falling like crazy, on the verge of hyperventilation, but soon she learned the trick; it was her stomach which was supposed to be moving, not her chest. Her cheeks were a little warm and she knew it was shame she was feeling, not embarrassment. She hadn’t told him yet, despite having known for over a week. Tentatively, she continued, fingers picking up speed as she became used to the sensation of the new nails.

‘You remember me telling you the first was on a trial basis, based on sales. Well - whatever target they set for us, we must have hit it. Even you have noticed the increase in publicity lately...the T.V appearances. They’ve asked me to film a reality show. I don’t know what they’re expecting.’

Her brow furrowed, wondering...

‘I guess they might have asked you too?’

The laptop stayed silent for a long time and she rested her hands against the small, cheap desk as she gazed at the screen. Her mind suddenly seemed blank and she felt stupid. She would never send the document to Jimin, just as she hadn’t sent the ones she had written before; three month’s worth of unopened, worthless ramblings saved in some obscure folder on her desktop, trapped in the harddrive somewhere between her acoustic recordings and photographs of hairstyles she had saved from Pinterest. She often wondered why she even bothered to save them. Her counsellor had told her, time and time again, that keeping a diary would be helpful. She could record her mood swings and track her periods, along with keeping count of what she ate; wholegrains made her bloated, red food colourings brought out a rash. She sometimes worried she might be lactose intolerant, though could handle it in coffee. That type of thing. She kept it up at first; bashfully bringing the sparkly diary into the small office she visited once a month and reciting what she had written to the man opposite. He would nod sympathetically as she spoke, making a comment from time to time; asking how she felt about what she had put. But the company was paying him to do this; all the girls went, and she sometimes wondered if it was the food diary he was really interested in. If her manager was keeping track, making sure she and the other members were not overdoing it on the full-fat salad dressing and milky lattes.

The diary entries began to dwindle and, not long after her last week-long visit back to Seoul, the meaningless letters on her laptop started. They were usually addressed to Jimin, though she had written several to her father and one to her brother. She wasn’t good with words; she had been told that often enough at school when she would have to read out loud from the book of the week in Literature, or come up with an argument in Business Studies. Her mouth would stumble and she’d turn red, both ashamed and humiliated, until the teacher inevitably took pity on her and told her to sit back down. Writing in private was much easier, especially when she knew no one but her would see.

‘I don’t know how to feel.’

The cursor hovered, blinking at the end of the last line. There was a heavy knock at the door and Ara jumped, hands automatically reaching for the laptop lid, before a familiar female voice called out.

“Ara? Are you coming?”

She quickly gathered herself, clicking the save icon at the top of the screen. The company had arranged a group meal in the restaurant downstairs, though she had forgotten, her mind distracted by more pressing thoughts.

“In a minute…I just need to change my lenses.” She called back, moving her finger against the touchpad as a pop-up appeared. She selected the save button once more, mouth twisting as she read the title in the little window: ‘Untitled #12.’ She wondered if she would ever get around to renaming them properly.

***

“Your hair has so much texture. I wish mine were thicker.”

Ara murmured in reply before catching the young stylist’s reflection in the mirror and realising how rude she must have sounded. Da-eun had come to the company some months before and was undeniably sweet. Too sweet, Ara sometimes thought, for the business she was in. The other makeup artists and hairdressers loved to keep one ear to the wall, in case there was a chance of promotion or, she rather cynically suspected, a way to increase their pay by selling gossip, but Da-eun didn’t seem like that. At least not yet.

After a moment’s hesitation, Ara smiled into the glass at the figure behind her. “I’m glad I have you to do it for me. The roots are a nightmare!”

Da-eun returned the smile and seemed to relax, but a curious expression still played on her features as she ran the straightener gently across the dyed tips of hair. “Are you tired?”

“I didn’t get much sleep.” Ara confirmed, briefly closing her eyes. Da-eun knew not to press her, but she couldn’t help but worry the younger woman might know more than she was letting on. They had shared hotel rooms in the past and, perhaps it was the stylist's instinct, used to paying close attention to detail, but she always seemed to tell when something was amiss. It was frustrating sometimes.

“I looked at the schedule. You’re not going on set until last so you’ll have time to rest before you go out.” Da-eun murmured helpfully. Ara nodded, relieved. It occurred to her, not for the first time, that Da-eun should quit while she could; while she was still young and hopeful and kind.

“I just don’t have the energy right now…” Ara sighed as she felt her hair being released. The younger woman finished working the ends and unplugged the device from the dressing room table.

“Did you sign the contract yet?”

Her voice was inquisitive and a little optimistic. Ara had never asked, but there was always the chance that Da-eun’s contract was somehow tied to her own; that if the group were to disband, she might lose her job. Ara shook her head lightly.

“No.”

Da-eun raised an eyebrow. “Are you having second thoughts?”

“I just haven’t had time to read it properly.” She said, truthfully. “It’s come around sooner than I thought…”

The stylist moved forward, reaching for the set of hairbrushes on the counter, before selecting the biggest. She teased through the ends of hair with her short fingers before brushing lightly along the bleached roots, smoothing the locks.

“There’s been rumours.” The younger woman said, voice suddenly low as though she were worried about being overheard. A thick curtain set apart the dressing room from the photography studio, but it was always possible someone was listening.

Ara blinked, tensing a little. “What?”

Da-eun smiled gently. “That you’re making a solo album.”

“Oh…” The older woman wasn’t sure what she had expected, but this news took her by surprise. “I wasn’t planning on it.” She shrugged.

“That’s a relief.” Da-eun beamed with a small laugh. “I’m looking forward to going home soon. Aren’t you?”

Ara opened her mouth to speak, not sure what she was going to say, but the curtain beside them drew apart suddenly; startling them both.

“Oh! Costume change…” Da-eun exclaimed, setting down the brush and turning to accommodate the older woman who had just entered. Mimi was a year older than Ara and usually less prone to accidents, but the leather strap on her camisole suggested a wardrobe malfunction which needed attending to at once.

“Sorry to interrupt…” The other woman murmured apologetically, gesturing to Da-eun. “Could you fix this for me?”

“Sure.” She nodded, stepping away.

Ara’s phone had vibrated against her thigh twenty minutes before but she hadn’t wanted to risk opening the text, especially with someone standing over her shoulder. As Da-eun seated Mimi in the rotating chair on the opposite side of the room to take a look at her costume, Ara took the moment to slip the device from her pocket and flick through the recent notifications. Unsurprisingly, it had been Jimin who had texted and she read the sentence a couple of times before returning it to her pocket.

‘Two more weeks. I’m looking forward to seeing you. It’s been too long.’

***

Ara sipped from the glass, the cool water clearing her throat and offering a much needed refreshment from the events of the day. Her voice had become raspy from singing, but luckily she didn’t need it to type.

‘Jimin,

I was cleaning my closet before we went on tour and found the dress I was wearing on the night we met.’

She found herself smiling, a little longingly, at the memory, a strange anecdote coming to mind.

‘It still has a Daiquiri stain on the hem and it’s too big for me now. I don’t know why I’m saving it.’

The thought made her sad, somehow.

‘I wonder if you remember that night as clearly as I do. I didn’t want to leave. I knew you were with someone else, but I didn’t care.’

A deep frown played on her otherwise gentle features.

‘Does that make me a bad person?’

It wasn’t until she read the line back, she realised the thought had never occurred to her before. Not once in five years. She wondered why it suddenly seemed to matter. With a sigh, she continued, committing her trail of thoughts to the page.

‘You told me it was over the next time we met, and I believed you, but part of me wondered if you’d go back to her, once you knew how inexperienced I was. I guess I know how you feel sometimes. The whole thing has taken me by surprise as well. I never felt like anyone would want me.’

Her chest ached as she typed the final sentence; overwhelmed by emotion. It was true that the compliments and flirty glances she often received were met with an automatic but fleeting sense of glee. It felt novel, after so long of feeling like she didn’t deserve it. It sometimes still felt that way; back in the hotel room, after the cheers of the crowd had faded. She had brought the subject up with her company counsellor who had laughed it off, explaining that everyone suffered with imposter syndrome from time to time; she wasn’t the first and wouldn’t be the last. On the matter of flirting, she had kept that one to herself. It felt too personal and she was sure it would come across as vain. Occasionally it was unwarranted; the older mens’ eyes moving down her legs when she took to the stage in a short skirt back in Seoul, or the way she jumped in alarm when someone once slipped their hand down the back of her jeans while she stood tightly packed in an elevator in Osaka. But other times she found her heart racing and stomach churning; not thinking of Jimin until she tucked herself in bed at night. A pretty, tall waitress brushing her hand as she handed over the bill in a Thai restaurant, or the hotel doorman who had helped her move her luggage earlier in the week and smiled kindly at her in the lobby. She knew Jimin, of all people, would understand. She had seen the way he played the audience, like he had a secret to share with them all. Early in their relationship it had made her crazy; the way he seemed to flirt with anyone he came into contact with, often without even realising. But now the tables had turned. He would understand; but she wasn’t sure he would accept it.

She glanced a warily at the shadowy corner of the room where an oversized bouquet of red roses sat on the dresser. They had arrived earlier to the hotel room, along with a postcard sized letter from her manager. He had been unable to make the trip to Taiwan but was waiting for her in Tokyo; the contract was ready, whenever she was ready to sign. The flowers seemed like a bribe; the gesture leaving a sour taste in her mouth. She wondered if the other two girls had received any, or if the privilege was all hers.

The sound of her ringtone, a chirpy, summer tune, alerted her to the fact that an hour had already passed and it was getting late. She quickly swiped the screen and raised it to her ear, not wanting to wake up the neighbours.

“Hello?”

There was a pause before Jimin spoke. “How are you?”

“Good.” She squinted at her watch with a frown. “What time is it there?”

“2am.”

“Shouldn’t you be in bed?” She asked, a little baffled. He hadn’t called her this late in a while.

“I only just got in. There was a company dinner.” He explained. “What are you up to?”

She hesitated. “Just thinking.”

He laughed, softly mocking her. “Just thinking?”

She shook her head, dismissing it. “Oh, it’s nothing…I was drying my hair.” She lied, fingering the ends of the bone-dry locks in an automatic response. “Da-eun dyed the tips purple for the photoshoot.”

“I liked the pink.” He groaned, a little sulkily.

“They thought purple would fit better with the concept photos.” She mumbled deflatedly. “It’s not really my choice.”

“You could change it when you come home.” He said hopefully. She heard the flirtatious grin in his voice and could picture his smile on the other end. “They can’t do anything about it once your contract has ended.”

“Maybe.”

She sounded distant and he noticed the change at once.

“Are you okay?”

She closed her eyes tightly, temporarily blocking out the glare from the laptop screen. “I’m fine. It’s just been a long day.”

“Did you take a look at the brochures I emailed you?”

“I haven’t had time. I’m sure whatever you pick will be fine.” She knew she sounded a little irritated but was unable to mask it. The weight of the day suddenly seemed to dawn on her and she wanted nothing more than to go to bed. The last thing she wanted to talk about was moving house.

“I’d really like you to help.” He argued lightly. “There’s a three bedroom going for sale on the Han River. Yoongi says it’s a good deal.”

Ara sighed. “I’m sure he’s right.”

A pause.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I wish you’d stop asking.” She pleaded, feeling on the verge of tears. Jimin seemed to hear the tremor in her voice and thought for a long moment before he spoke, tentatively.

“Maybe you should ask the doctor to change your medication again.”

Ara clutched the phone tightly. “It’s fine.” She tried to smile, hoping it would show in her voice. “I’m feeling much better, just tired.”

“Is that a side effect?”

He sounded concerned and she nodded to herself, though she knew full well she hadn’t taken the time to read the little leaflet properly. “Probably. Maybe I just need some sleep.”

“Okay.” He agreed, though she sensed his trepidation. “I’d better go then.”

He sounded disappointed and Ara felt guilty once more. “I’m sorry Jimin.” She apologised softly. “It really was nice that you called. It’s just these time zones…”

“I understand.”

She wondered if he did. Her eyes felt damp beneath her heavy, false eyelashes, making them itch. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

***

She had forgotten her contact lenses and had to rummage through her Birkin to retrieve her reading glasses. They felt strange on her nose and she wondered how she had ever made it through high school wearing them. At least she had been given a moment’s peace to read through the contract. The office overlooked Ueno Station and the rush of traffic below would be too distracting had someone also been watching her.

‘As a permanent member of the label you should not bring the company into disrepute…’

She read carefully, though the paperwork seemed much larger than the last one she had signed. Some of the phrases looked familiar, such as the declaration of her dedication to being a ‘brand ambassador’, but others were definitely new. Her gaze hovered over one line:

‘...should not jeopardize future success…not limited to personal relationships, controversial thought or opinion including strong ties to political associations, ideologies or groups.’

She expected no less, particularly after Mimi was caught on camera reading a Betty Friedan book. The first part was more complicated and she wondered if Jimin’s management had asked something similar of him.

With a sigh, she continued down the page, skimming the text now but picking up on key words which seemed important, ‘Maintain a visible and transparent social media presence….Agree to the screening and management of said accounts with the view of protecting our artists and their wellbeing.’

By the time she reached the end, it did not seem to matter and there was a strange comfort in realising this. The past three years had been carefully planned, organised, operated; her future written for her from the moment she stepped foot on stage for the first time. The moments of quiet between shows, or during her increasingly short stays back in Seoul, only seemed to complicate things further. Her thoughts were a mess whenever she stopped to breathe for a moment, and maybe it was easier to shut them off altogether; to give over all control and decision-making to someone else than to try and deal with them all herself.

The fountain pen was heavier than she expected as she picked it off the table. It had the company brand embossed on the side in gold-leaf which seemed to reflect the fading light outside as the sun set below the concrete structure of the art museum to the West. Slowly, she signed her name on the final page; the ink blotting a little as she moved aside the bound file and repeated the motion on the second copy. The second attempt was neater as she grew used to the feel of the pen in her hand. There was a knack to it; just like many of the things she had grown to learn in her adult life; underwear should be washed on the delicate cycle, t-shirts should be turned inside out before they are ironed, glasses should not be left in the sink too long, should they smash. She had an assistant to do those things now, and her clothes were mostly dry cleaned these days.

She neatened the piles of paper and put the lid back on the pen, so the ink wouldn’t dry. The first contract had been signed in black Biro, which hadn’t come with such demands. Reaching down, she picked up her black handbag and carefully folded her personal copy, slipping it between her lipstick and glasses case before adding the pen. She had probably paid for it anyway; in her own way. The green light on her phone was blinking and she slid it from the pouch in the lining. The text had arrived while she was in the meeting, which is why she hadn’t heard her phone go off. Her thumb paused over the messenger button for a moment, before she tapped the screen lightly; Jimin’s name and picture coming into view in the little window above the text.

‘One more week! :)’

***

Thank you for reading. To read each member & their girlfriend’s headcanon universe fics in order, follow the links here: RM / Jin / Suga / J-Hope / Jimin / V / Jungkook

& Our full masterlist of fics and original art can be found here

& Our masterlist of preferences/most likely to/quizzes and fun stuff is here

You can support us by buying admins a coffee here (if you wish). :)

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awfullyaster · 4 years

Text

andrew and neil are switches, don’t you forget it

ok hi here for my (probably) daily aftg rant,,,,so i’m seeing that the majority of the fandom (as far as i’ve seen anyway)--or fics/fanart consisting of andreil doing the do--view neil as a power bottom ?

am i incorrect? are my resources false? idk bout u but so far i’ve only seen like one fic where neil is the top/penetrator (!mao is that even a real word idk but it sounds weird haha cute ok anyway)

and honestly, i have to disagree. i do. i’m not trying to push andrew’s boundaries by saying that neil could top, i’m just saying that y’all don’t give neil enough credit.

liek,,,,,bro,,,,,do you not see the amount of top energy neil mf josten radiates ???? like, yes, we know andrew takes the lead but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’d top forever ?????

( just a proposition, ofc but this is just my opinion based on observations--yet again )

( and tbh i had difficulty trying to figure who was the top and who was the bottom between them when i encountered the first hint of intimate growth in their relationship--to the point where i had to ask my best friend who hadn’t a clue what aftg was prior to (that’s when the aftg rants officially started/ignited) and it took some time/proper discussion/consideration but he first came up with the conclusion that andrew was a sub top and that neil was a power bottom )

as for yours truly, i came to the conclusion that they are both switches (some time after i finished reading).

i mean,,,,,,can you really just look at neil josten--wholly, like his entire personality, attitude (problem !), traits, &c and decide on the spot that he’s a bottom ??? how ??? how the hell do you come up with that ?????

and hear me out, i have evidence/reasons:

one) The Great Riko Roast™️. need i say more?

(if elaboration is necessary:

keep in mind that neil (this literal fucking nobody) burned riko (supposedly the king of exy or whatever the fuck, who cares) to ground on the spot (no script, just his attitude problem (mwah i love him) and pure spite)

again, he burned him to the ground on live television, publicly humiliating riko with each and every word

idk bout u but i am so damn sure andrew found out right then n there that this bitch radiates top energy for fucking sure (or, in his words, isn’t spineless)

neil committing arson via verbal attacks is just---splendid. absolutely mesmerizing. flawless. truly inspiring. gamechanging. glorious.

he’s so rude i love him

anyway )

two) neil can shut up andrew up without having to touch or kiss him. he can leave him speechless. with just his words.

(yes, we know anybody & everybody knows better than to touch andrew but like i mean he wouldn’t have to fight him or whatever) (and he doesn’t have to kiss him to shut him up--though he definitely can--he doesn’t have to because that’s just how fucking powerful he is)

y’all,,,,,are you ready for one of the most amazing lines i believe we all know and love,,,,,

““You have a problem wherein you only invest your time and energy into worthless pursuits."

“This,” Neil flicked his finger to indicate the two of them, “isn’t worthless.”

“There is no ‘this’. This is nothing.”

“And I am nothing,” Neil prompted. When Andrew gestured confirmation, Neil said, “And as you’ve always said, you want nothing.”

Andrew stared stone-faced back at him.

[...andrew had his hand frozen mid-air...(i forgot the rest)]”

if this does not prove dominance to you, i don’t know what to tell you. (HE WAS MERELY SPEAKING AND ANDREW COULD NOT COME UP WITH ANYTHING-- A N Y T H I N G --TO SAY BACK BC IT’S A PERSONAL ATTACK AND HE DIDN’T SEE IT COMING AND THAT’S WHY HE SEES NEIL AS INTERESTING/WHY HE ‘HATES’ HIM SO MUCH BRO I)

hOweVeR

i know that dom bottoms exist (i think so, anyway) or bottoms that radiate top energy/the position (i.e. bottom,top) energy you radiate can be entirely different from what position you really are/are comfy with and that these are just words but that brings me to my following point,

three) (#1 insitgator, he, oh yes, neil josten, yes indeed) his unexpected (and to be frank, quite thrilling) acts of asserting dominance ?????? um ????

(when they were kith kithing next to the kitchen (next to kitchen) in neil’s dorm room) “[neil felt his phone buzz in his back pocket and against the wall it was obnoxiously loud. he already knew it was his daily countdown, but he already knew how much little time he had left. he didn’t need to reminded, especially now...andrew took it out of his back pocket and offered it to neil, pulling away from his mouth. neil took the phone from andrew’s hand and threw it across the living room, not taking his eyes off andrew. andrew watched as the phone bounced off the couch and onto the carpet. neil kissed his neck in attempt to distract him and was rewarded by a startled jolt which was enough reason to do it again. and even though andrew pushed his face away, they were close enough for neil to not miss how andrew shivered.]”

b r o ,,,,,,,,,,,, bro,,,,,,it just--

(when they were alone in the bus otw to that one away game--belmonte, i think?) “[“i wonder when coach found out about this,” neil prompted.

“there is no ‘this’.”

“i wonder when coach found out you only want to kill me ninety-three percent of the time.”

neil retraced his steps and had a moment of realization. before andrew left for easthaven, neil had told andrew to trust him and not ‘neil’.

“it was before you left,” neil started...

“coach doesn’t believe what other people want him to believe, he believes what he sees,” andrew replied...

“are you going to tell them?” neil was referring to the rest of the team, and this was up to him, whether they’ll be out or not.

“i won’t have to. renee says the upperclassmen are betting on your sexuality.”

neil knew that matt mentioned that there were bets on about him, but he didn’t know it was about this.

“it’s a waste of time and money. they’ll all lose. i’ve said all year that i don’t swing and i meant it. kissing you doesn’t make me look any of them differently. the only one i’m interested in is you.”

“don’t say stupid things.”

“make me.” and with that, neil grabbed a fistful of andrew’s hair and pulled him in.]”

dude,,,,,,,,,he can take control,,,,,he can,,,,he can lead, too, but he follows andrew’s because he’s a good boy and he knows how important it is. he improvises and uses what he has and takes control from there. dude. dude.

three) honestly? i think andrew likes it. neil’s unexpected acts of confidence,,,kinda leaves him on the edge of his seat yk,, like doesn’t it increase his percentage? it does, right? cuz ik it did when andrew guided neil to touch his chest and neil emulated andrew’s words, “i won’t be like them. i won’t let you let me be.” (i love them bye) but liek,,,,yeah idk andrew liking neil’s neck kisses/fetish kinda tells me he likes it so maybe this isn’t concrete evidence particularly but i’m still including it because andrew’s a switch, idc what anyone says,

four) i lost my train of thought but i ran out of reasons--on the spot, anyway--so i might come back to this if i do but just to make it clear:

andrew minyard is a switch. (it just takes time, like a lot, but it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily impossible/never gonna happen.)

neil josten is a switch. (he respects andrew’s boundaries and doesn’t push him, he’s fine being guided, but it doesn’t mean he can’t take the initiative himself (and i forgot to mention it but re: when he asked andrew if he doesn’t like to be touched in general or if it’s a trust thing + many more times, before & after their first kiss, i believe, my brain is just empty rn) and i just think that deserves more recognition)

so !!

(this post is a mess, (i always am but today’s just worse) i know, and i’m sorry)

in conclusion,

let neil top andrew !! they deserve it !!

(not that vice versa is bad, but this isn’t either, yk, just saying. also, i hope this isn’t too late to say in the post, but i do not, i repeat, i do not, intend to pressure any content creator--fic writers, fan artists, editors, &c--to create content this particular way only,,,,okay,,,gotta make that unequivocally clear. and i’m not saying andrew topping neil is bad or overrated, because i know that when it comes to them, sex in general would take some time, especially neil topping andrew, but i think they deserve that freedom, yk. again,,,,this is just my personal opinion. no insisting statements here, just wish for freedom to speak my mind, that is all. also feel free to interact if you agree/disagree or both !! i’m willing to hear anyone’s comments or thoughts or whatever !! i hope i’m talking to a brick wall here ahah)

bro brain poop rn

anyway

tl/dr: bro let neil top (not necessarily on top, but that works, too--either/or--or both, if y’all dare ;DD (kill me) (but like srsly) (let neil top) (plz) :))

(also somewhat off topic but might anyone have access to some fics in which consist of neil first getting andrew off ??? i randomly remember it from ms. sakavic’s extra content page and i would like to see what the fandom offers, if y’all don’t mind)

im so mean and insistent on my aftg-related opinions now that i think about it

whoops

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timeladyjamie · 3 years

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Okay so it's 0:20 am and I so should not be awake anymore (but also I am too stressed out abt Stuff to sleep so whatever I guess) but I just got a really stupid but potentially kinda funny/interesting RoS/BBCRH fanart idea again. I know I haven't even finished doing the counterpart character drawings, but I just got this idea and I'm not doing it tonight but I might do it one day if I get around to (altho if there's someone with the time, energy, and interest to do this who sees this, feel free to borrow the idea)...

Basically the idea is just drawing the various characters wearing the costume of their counterpart from the other show (btw for the purposes of any of my potential RoS/BBC RH crossovers, I'm counting Nasir and Djaq as counterparts). Just like, to see how ridiculous or good it would look.

I mean some of the characters might still kinda look like themselves once you do that, but others... I mean, I have kind of a hard time imagining Marion from RoS wearing the BBC version's Nightwatchman costume, let alone any of the fancier dresses.

The versions of Little John also have super different aesthetics, what with the BBC version wearing blacks and dark grays mainly while the RoS version wears brown, but I don't actually think they'd look too bad? A little strange, sure, but not like bad

When it comes to the Robins... I don't actually think the BBC version would look too bad in either of the RoS versions' costumes. He'd probably look just fine. I don't know which RoS Robin's costume would work better for him though (the RoS Robins have fairly similar aesthetic in terms of colors and all, but the exact look of the costume differs)

As for the RoS Robins in the BBC version's costume... Loxley I just plain can't see in that. Just wouldn't fit him, his character needs that kind of rough look to his costume, with mended tears and frayed edges and worn leather and all, too clean and neat just doesn't match his character's style I think. Meanwhile Huntingdon, him I just maybe could see in the BBC version's costume. He'd look sorta out of place too, but he just might be able to pull it off.

And when it comes to our dear baddies the Sheriff of Nottingham and Sir Guy of Gisborne... I'm giggling just at the idea like... I mean tbh BBC Guy could probably make the mail or scale armor and blue cloak thing look good, and tbh he's hot enough that he'd probably even look hot in the blue robes RoS Guy sometimes wears when he's not in armor (I think it would kind of slightly go against the dark brooding bad boy Aesthetic that BBC Guy has going on, but he'd still look good. Then again he'd probably look good in just about anything so yeah). However, the rest of the three... yeah, it would just be funny

Bc Mr blonde hair, blue eyes, and a bad case of babyface just... I cannot imagine him pulling off that biker leather look. It just wouldn't work with that face, would it?

And the Sheriffs... yeah I don't think the BBC version could really make the greens and yellow and orange robes work so well, like I mean.... he just gotta have that black villain aesthetic ya know? and I'm pretty sure the RoS sheriff just plain wouldn't be caught dead wearing the BBC version's costume, it's just totally against his aesthetics.

Omg, I wanna see everyone switch clothes with each other!

That would be a great laugh and fun to explore. I’m not good at drawing at all, otherwise I’d give it a shot, but I’d love to see it come to life!

#erdariel #chats about robin hood

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tumblunni · 7 years

Text

okay.. well.. I may as well actually talk about this

I got the intial news like almost a month ago now, but its only now that I have more details and I’m actually going to the first meeting tomorrow. Also i was just so nervous I didnt know how to talk about it until now. So umm.. yeah! The long version under the cut, but in summary: I may be going somewhere soon, and for potentially 4-6 months. I may or may not have much access to the internet. But this is hopefully gonna help my mental health, I hope. And I have this money in my savings now I wanna keep it as a ‘reward’ of sorts after I finish this, and I’m really hoping to be able to take a holiday to america and visit at least one of my friends, depending on how many states I’m able to cross on this budget. And hopefully I might actually be more prepared for such a big journey, and if its my reward then I’ll be able to not give up!! No matter what!! So yeah more under the cut, umm:

I may be going to an intensive therapy location. Its a communal housing area with therapy support workers and a course that I have to go through. i’ve been repeatedly reassured that it isn’t as bad as some terrifying places I’ve heard of on the internet, its a confirmed NHS-funded health facility and its supposed to be more of a communal house than like.. a prison with electroshock ‘therapy’. I dont really have any info on it yet though, but thats what I’m doing tomorrow- im finally actually having a meeting with them and getting to see the house before I move there, and ask questions and stuff. And my support worker says that if I say no I don’t have to go. But I really want to go if it really is what it says it is! OF COURSE I want to go to a therapy activity camp course that can hopefully help me conquer my anxiety faster! its just that well.. because i have ANXIETY, i cant help but frantically research on the internet and come to the worst conclusions and assume thats what’s gonna happen, and its all a scary scam... Anyway, at the moment all I know is that I won’t be locked up in there with no freedoms, and there will be other patients too and hopefully I can make friends maybe, but also im terrified I’ll make a bad impression and i’ll be the worst person there while everyone else progresses and I don’t.. gah...

But even if this place is wonderful and amazing and has zero scary asylum stuff, its still quite likely that I won’t have internet while I’m there, so i wont be able to keep in touch with you all. I can access limited internet on my phone but the browser cant even handle running youtube so im not gonna be as active. Also I cant afford a huge amount of mobile data and all. But I just hope I can indeed keep phone internet enough to be able to message my friends if I’m having a bad day and stuff. i dunno if any of you would even remember me if I vanished for half a year, lol... But like.. if you do still wanna be friends after not seeing me for ages, I really do wanna try and visit america and meet some of you guys! (and if I could afford it, I’d wanna visit other countries too, I’m just picking america first cos I speak the language and I know the most friends who live there) Oh and umm.. if I’m gonna be gone for a long time I probably will need stuff to help me keep calm and keep going and stuff. I save all the fanarts I get from my best friends, they really fill me with love! But I’d love if also maybe when I leave I might ask you guys if you could leave me a message maybe. like, if I can find some way i can get all the messages without reading them. And then if I’m ever having a big panic attack, i can read them then and hopefully it’ll help me feel better! (tho lol if i opened that up to anybody then that weird recurring anon hater might troll me, so I’d like to just reserve it to close friends maybe) Oh, or maybe I could ask you guys to leave me drawing requests or writing requests or memes and stuff that I can work on while I’m gone? I suck at knowing what to draw, after all. And I also suck at being super slow to finish drawing, so this way it all works out!

But umm yeah basically, I’ll know more tomorrow when i go to meet them and have a tour. And I;m really anxious but also kinda excited, I hope it really helps me! But I’m still anxious and.. aaa... I just had to vent a bit to try and stay calm so I make a good first impression. i bought some new clothes to wear and I’m making sure my hair dye is even, cos I didnt have enough time to un-dye it back to a presentable colour :P

Oh and umm... its VERY UNLIKELY, so please dont worry! I don’t want to spread my worry to my friends! But umm.. just in case of the worst case scenario. I was told this would just be a first meeting, its not an intervention, I wont be taken there immediately. And I will be allowed to choose if I go, and all. BUT UMM If I don’t message anyone by this time tomorrow, I guess I didnt come back. I REALLY think I’m just being paranoid and I’m not gonna be locked up in some terrible illegal false therapy place! BUT IF I AM THEN YEAH JUST IN CASE If I am not dead, I will post tomorrow! Even if I’m too stressed and anxious to talk about what happened, I’ll make a short post just to tell you all I’m okay. if I don’t, then things went wrong. BUT THEY WONT! BUT I’M STILL ANXIOUS ABOUT IT! God I’m such an idiot...

also, of course, like usual, I’m still WAY MORE ANXIOUS about being a social failure than I am about dying or being electroshocked in an asylum XD I’m so terrified I’m gonna mess up and make them hate me aaaa I hope it goes well and I get accepted! And I hope the place isnt scary and the course looks like its actually gonna help me, and stuff. I’m way more scared of it being a social gauntlet than the electroshocks ITS NOT GONNA BE THE ELECTROSHOCKS, STUPID BUNNI but aaaa I’d rather have those than have to meet so many strangers, fuckkkk I’ve vented it out so i feel less scared I ate a big fruit smoothie full of powerful energy so I will be strong enough, and I will make another smaller one tomorrow morninG! Or.. umm.. I might be too scared to sleep and just keep going on this one, lol! and I’ve been stewing on it for a month now so a lot of the stress is out and I wrote down a big long list of questions I wanna ask, and I’m gonna have a notebook to write down anything they say and I’m gonna try on my new clothes tonight and get prepared but AAAA I dont have any formal clothes, and I dont know if i should even try and look formal or if i should look like how im gonna look when I’m there the whole time and i dont know if i should try and look as much like a girl as I can for the next six months, or if I should be honest about being trans, or if thats gonna hurt my chances of being accepted or anything... I dont know if my support worker told them when she was filling out the forms... and I keep washing my face trying to make the acne go away aaaaa why am i cursed with eternity acne, why am i the pimply faced teen even into adulthood why am i such a terrible brain broken adult who needs intensive therapy to begin with how on earth can i make myself look presentable when they already know i’m so trash gahHHHHHHHH

#bunnervous #i keep forgetting to tag my negative posts #sorry...

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mcrmadness · 6 years

Text

Rant about how I can’t draw anymore... it shouldn’t have got this long but as it did anyway, I’m gonna put a read more link there eh...

Asdfdeghawbfk I’ve been reading some webcomics on Tumblr and the more I see the pics the more I want to draw too! I just don’t know what to draw. I lost my inspiration years ago. I guess I just became this boring adult or something. Not really as I’m still very child-like by my mind but I think all my energy and imagination is rented by my mental illness as it loves to make up weird scenarios and false alarms 24/7 so there’s none left for my own use...

So far only things I can came up with is drawings related to my mental stuff and it makes me angry because it’s just lots of text along with badly drawn pictures of nothing interesting. I already write way too much of my nonsense no one is interested in and it’s spreading to my art too.

It’s sad because drawing had been my hobby since I could handle a pen. I guess it ended few years ago when I used to do lots of portraits. Just fanart basically but those were never good enough. For me as I’m a huge perfectionist. I was good at the mechanics but not so good at making them look original. I think the major breakdown was when my friend told me that she doesn’t understand people who draw portraits because it’s just basically a copy of a photo and is lacking the soul or story of the drawing itself. She got the point and I was and still am not angry at her, but it made me realize that they were just not-even-perfect copies of photos.

I also was bullied at school and made feel like I was worth nothing and everyone just hated (on) me and I felt pretty shit and I was lonely as hell (I had no friends at school for almst 2 years in straight), I drew a lot and that was my way of getting the attention and approval I couldn’t get. And it was never enough. I did not draw because it was fun but because I wanted it finished, uploaded to Deviantart and to see if I could get comments and I was ALWAYS disappointed and felt like the world is against me and it’s my destiny that no one will ever see me no matter what I do. I was grateful for everyone leaving a like or comment but it was not enough... so maybe they lacked the soul because y only intention with them was to get attention. So I slowly stopped drawing.

I also can’t draw anything just like that. I’m terrible and it also made me even more depressed and angry because everytime I tried drawing something that was no copying, they turned out 57825792 times worse. And I just felt like I actually couldn’t even draw shit so I was just lying to myself, I was pretending to be good at drawing when in reality I sucked so bad and just was faking for myself because I knew how to mechanically draw, but not how to draw with just my mind as the reference pic. I don’t know if they looked so horrible for everyone or just for me, but it made me so damn angry. And I’m not an angry person but when I tried to draw it just made me so stressed out and I wanted to break everything and throw stuff out of the window so I stopped.

AND YET I still feel the urge to draw but I don’t know WHAT to draw. Okay since the first Deadpool movie I’ve been wanting to draw this once scene from it but I’ve never started because it’s too much work to go and find that scene on the bluray and actually get that paused so you can see the lines well enough. So I’ve been thinking about that scene for over 2 years and have done nothing. Also it would just be one stupid-ass piece of fanart portrait which lack the soul and it’d be just for me to do something DP related for couple of hours as that’s probably only way to do something lasting that long. Unless I watch the movie or play the game 24/7 but... maybe not :DD (Also still can’t beat the last boss in the game because they really did not think about players using keyboard so it’s pissing me off too. I really want to know how the damn game ends!)

I also love comics and I started drawing comics when I was 9-10 years old. Or first I started with just series of pictures. Acually have to tell this one here: always the same story tho about a dino riding another dino like a horse in a competition, and then falling over this water hurdle that was deeper than swim pools what the fuck - and it ended with him watching the competition from tv with his family and he was in a wheel chair with an overall plaster cats what was wrong with me??? But I also did draw on coloring books, once I draw with a red crayon on some sort of swan, I drew wounds and blood everywhere and kept telling a story of how lion had attacked it and my aunt was there listening to me horrified :DDD I also remember how I once drew a cat family that apparently turned out to be so dangerous they had chains and all and eventually I ended up drawing lines over the whole paper because they were also behind a ighly securited fence. Okay, I know this sounds pretty creepy, but actually I’ve always liked animals over people so I have no clue why I drew things like these when in the end I could never hurt animals. Maybe Jurassic Park and other movies, as well as documents about animals, had something to do with this? Who knows...

(I also have traumas for the movie “Homeward Bound”, the scene where the cat’s in the basket in the middle of the river and the dog is trying to rescue it. I was very young at the time when my mom caught me in front of that movie crying like a... baby? because of that cat. I haven’t been able to watch that film ever again. So that probably tells you how much I love animals and especially cats as I’ve always lived with cats and we had three when I was born. But I did adopt this to my plays as a kid, I loved so much to play when someone or even better if it was a GROUP OF KIDS that were in a huge danger and they needed to be rescued. I did this with every single play I played back then. Still love it when x rescues y but nowadays more like on an emotional level as I was always alone against the people hating me and I could only dream about someone standing for me.)

BUT TO THE COMICS. At first they were just stream of consciousness without any plot, I created new characters all the time and never finished their stories as they had no plot ever. Also loved drawing “biographies”, usually it was some female anthropomorphic animal or insect that used clothes and had hair because I loved drawing different styles, make up and hair/hairdos to them. And often it started with couple of panels telling about her story from the beginning, then jumped to some age and next thing was panel per age at the same time telling about her in tht age. The idea was just to draw lots or hair and clothes, and then it ended with some age I considered “adult enough” and then their teenage/adult life started with boyfriends and stuff. Usually it was pretty much an ugly duckling kind of story where they were different and maybe bullied because of something (this one bunny had floppy ears so they did everything to get them pointy because she was bullied I guess? At least she hated her ears. Btw this was my first real comic ever!). But you can see why I still love playin The Sims games! :D

After these endless stories about nothing particular I came up with the idea of actually writing a plot and then drawing. Ended up with plenty of short comics that actually had a plot and some idea in them. The characters did change tho and I probably had couple of stories of each different characters. They were also always animals but no more antropomorphic but just animals that had speech bubbles.

My last comics ever (so far) have been two originals and one that I drew as a fanart. The two originals were called Micro - The Insane Murdered, and Little Emo Bird.

Micro was this dino-like creature, yet another anthropomorphic character because I did not know how to draw people without copying anyone’s style and I just never came up with humans as characters. So the header tells it, Micro is a murderer. This one I actually liked a lot! I was 15-17 when I drew him, but it was also much gore as, well, he’s a murderer. Or just a killer as he’s pretty much insane and doesn’t plan but just acts out of blue. I think I drew 3 different short stories for him and I had the last one written down. It was pretty interesting as I didn’t draw him for a while and when I remembered those plans and came back, I had had my identity crisis and EVERYTHING had changed. Original plan was to get him a girlfriend - after he was caught for his crimes and snet to prison,m he later was sent to an asylum for prisoners. This story should have taken place in there, introducing fellow inmates and Micro just felt like he was not in the right place as he was not ill. And then he would have met this girl and they’d have fallen in love and so on. But when I later checked that out I was so... confused :D Like, this is not me? This is what I hate now? Romance, ew, heteronormativity, ew, JUST THE CLICHÉS, BIG EW. So I just wrote these this very deep wall of text about his personality but it never turned into a comic. But I remember how proud I was about it as Micro was meant to be partly me but also something I could never be and never will be and what not, just some pretty cheesy blabber that felt good back then but right now would feel just as stupid as the first plan :D

The second one, Little Emo Bird, was an interesting one as well. I created it as a joke because I was a huge My Chemical Romance fan and there was this never-ending debate over if they’re emo or not (and as a fan I believed them so they were not emo) and created LEB. It was this bird and you usually saw just his head and occassionally wings too and he was very stereotypical emo with black hair and he was very suicidal and angry 24/7. Also others called him gay when he insisted that he was not. But actually I always imagined him with a girl emo bird instead of another boy bird but it was just the another stereotype that emoboys are gays. So it was not meant to be mean but just fun. I also liked him very much because he talked with me - the drawer/writer. Like he knew he can’t kill himself because I won’t let him and it pissed him off very. much. And he hated how the panels he was in had frames looking like scars. Oh my bad, the panels were not scars but the arrows pointing the next panel :D I’m not sure if he was actually suicidal but at least he acted like one because he was desperate for attention and tried to get attention to show no one gives a fuck about him and the would get angry for stupid reasons. So basically just a very moody teenager.

I have all these on my DeviantArt if someone’s interested, but I want to link here one of the... memes? What the shit these DA fill-this-thing were actually called memes? I wonder if they still are o.O Anyway, I want to link this one because I think it’s still the best one and I really like the outcome here :D

Here’s also the link to my dA as this empty meme was done by someone else and I wanna give credits. Oops, apparently it’s a deactivated account so nevermind, but here’s the link anyway.

The latter and so far the latest comic was about Die Ärzte, or more about the slash pairing (still my OTP) and I drew couple of comics about them, as well did write fanfiction too. These comics were my first to have human characters as I was tired of drawing everyone always in the form of animals (horses usually) just because I didn’t know how to draw people, and many people found their animal forms really disturbing to view so I changed to people.

After those I just haven’t drawn anything really. Comics would be nice, once I actually thought it would be interesting as a career but then again, I can’t work under pressure and I couldn’t live from art because you never know when the artblock hits you. Right now it’s been on for couple of years and basically only way to create something atm is to play The Sims 3 and write my TS3 blog. At least it’s something, pics with text so... I still would love to draw but I just have NO IDEA of any concept or anything.

Also just want to say here that after thinking about my Micro and LEB it’s weird how there’s certain things that actually are just the things that made me start liking Deadpool. (I’d have written ‘fall in love’ but as much as he is a fictional character, he’s still a human being and I don’t/can’t love humans...) It just shows that I’ve always like that kind of things with comics but didn’t know they existed outside of my comics until I found out about DP. Have to admit tho, that I haven’t read any DP comics... But I have an excuse: I don’t know if there’s a way to get those in Finland. ANYWAY, I just feel like someone would think these were affected by DP but actually they were not. Micro and LEB both were created in 2008 and I did not find out about Deadpool until in... 2013-2014 I think? And even then it was just occassional browsing in the internet before the movie trailers came out and that’s when I really got interested and started reading about him a lot and bought the game and here I am now. Acually not sure if it was in 2013 when we were just rewatching the X-Men movies and a friend of mine probably mentioned Deadpool at some point and told some things about him that got my attention. But really I got interested bit later anyway.

I really feel like I should do some sort of comparison between me drawing from photos vs. me drawing from my head to show how huge the difference is. And this annoys me a lot because I feel like I’ve been using these photos to LEARN to draw better but it just feels like my skills are at the maximum no matter how much I’d practice, and I’m not happy with the result as I feel like I should learn even more but how do you learn if your skill is stuck??? People always say that you just need to draw every day and a lot and they don’t understand that’s what I did and never could cross a certain point. I probably was also very jealous at my siblings because they were 5732850 times better than me who had been drawing longer than them (as I’m 3½ years older), just seeing them to improve made me so angry because I did not seem to improve at all. With copy drawings I did tho! But not with the ones I wanted to.

Now, I also know that lots of artists use lots of reference photos and that’s actually great and made me feel better as I always assumed everyone is naturally that awesome and I can’t even learn more; so it made me feel better because I also have permission? I’m not fake for using photos? But I’m just this... all or nothing so I very easily feel like I’ve betrayed myself if I don’t draw all by myself and then I need to point out that hey I’m not this good in reality I used a photo heh don’t think I’m a naturally gifted as I’M NOT asddd. So yeah, my need to constantly explain myself is on the way with this one too :))) But I don’t think this would be so bad anymore if I now started drawing again, but the biggest problem still is, that I still have that artblock and I haven’t had inspirations in years. Apart from that DP fanart idea which I don’t know if I should carry out or not... sigh.

...I want teh comics!!! I once even wanted to start this webcomic diary because I used to read lots of them but even that idea was dead from the beginning because my life is so boring there’s nothing to draw about. I also have drawn couple of comics of our cats but again it’s the thing I can’t (or I make myself believe that I can’t...) draw the way it’d look nice and appealing, now they’re just black and white mess.

#me #personal #drawing #artblock #all my inspiration died out and idk why asdddddd

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