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sips-tea-cutely · 2 years

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Hello! I dont know if you are taking requests rn but if you feel comfortable could you write the bsd characters helping/comforting reader through a bad panic attack? Maybe reader has been super stressed w/ school or work and has just been bottling things up until they snap. Personally my panic attacks are intense: hyperventilating, shaking, tears, digging my fingers into my arms and legs almost bruisingly, unable to hold my weight- just in case you need ideas. If this is uncomfortable for you then dont worry about it. Love your writing!!!

Helping with a bad panic attack

a/n: hello!! im so sorry if this isn’t as good as usual, feel free to vent <33

atsushi nakajima, osamu dazai, saigiku jōno, doppo kunikida, kōyō ozaki

#Atsushi Nakajima

atsushi is unfortunately no stranger to panic attacks. nor is is he a stranger to stress to be better.

seeing all your peers have talents, barely even surviving, it was so much pressure— even your boyfriend, atsushi is well, the most important ability user in the world.

there was a ringing, its so loud. so loud, you could pull out your hair, bang your head against a wall, it’s so much stress.

Click!

“ugh.. im seriously questioning how mr. dazai is still alive..” atsushi said as he closed the door to your dorm. “ah! s/o, are you alright?” he puts down the dinner he bought beside you and went to hold your hand.

he pulls you beside him and rests your head on his shoulder. “im here for you, alright? just tell me when you’re ready.” he gently coos, wiping tears away with his glove.

listening to your cries of self-hate “im not good enough, im not good enough to do anything.” hearing you made you think of himself, what had he wanted most?

kindly grabbing your hand once more, “here’s an idea… what if we train together? i know the feeling of self-doubt very well so why don’t we work together to be stronger?”

“hm— yes, id like that, atsushi..” you smile. “alright! mm, how about we start after dinner?”you nod and following, he started unwrapping your dinners. “eat up, s/o. it isn’t good to train on an empty stomach <33.”

#Osamu Dazai

8:45 PM, and your report’s due in two hours. everything was going wrong, your stupid professor forced the class to switch to a new website, the fucking thing shut down when you were almost done and your ‘friends’ ran tail when you were the one who wasn’t ok. it was so ironic, so funny, you could manically laugh— “My, why does god hate me?”

until a familiar voice rang out through the living room. “Oh, my nightshade, i’m back! look what i found at the convenience store!” your annoyingly sweet boyfriend pointed to the baggie of treats in his hand, a bunch of your favorites and even some boba in a plastic bottle. Ah

scars on your legs, the unevenly constant clicking of nails and the shaking of your body— unfortunately, dazai recognized this behavior of yours.

laying the treats on the coffee table, he sat down next to you. “dearest, what’s on your mind? is it school?” he genuinely asked, laying your head on his chest and rubbing your back.

crying into his navy vest, you told him all about what had happened; the stress, your assignment and what had happened. calmly brushing your hair, dazai began to spoke again. “shh, shh, it’s okay, dear. listen to my heartbeat, alright? relax your body, i’ll help you find a way, promise.”

kissing your head, he waited until your breaths had calmed. wiping your tears with his thumb “are you alright, dear?”

“ah, yea, i am, sorry, osamu, aha…” you nod and weakly laugh. “alright~..” he says, playfulness slowly coming back— he smiles and grabs your laptop “come! get some snacks, we’ll finish it together! <3”

#Saigiku Jouno

losing was not fun. and your opponent rubbing it in your face is even worse. holding in your tears hurt like hell. and upon arriving home, all you wanted to do was cry. crouching down on the floor, your tears stained your outfit and your nails dug into your wrists. eventually, you had tired yourself out and somehow made it to the couch..

it wasn’t until late midnight that jouno finally returned home. it was not something he liked. the faint smell of iron and the unevenness of your heartbeat. you were alive but, something had happened.

using his ability, he made his way beside you on the couch, carefully waking you. “jewel, why are you upset?” he asked, tilting his head. for once, he didn’t sound sarcastic he sounded like he really cared. “uh.. it’s nothing, sai’. its stupid anyways…” you look away in embarrassment, despite his blindness.

“if you’re crying about it, it appears its not stupid to you.” he frowns. “seriously, sai’! im alright!” you defend yourself. “hm~ your heartbeat is faster.. that only happens when you lie. what’s wrong.” it didn’t seem like a question, more like an order. he really wanted to know, huh?

giving in, you tell him about it all, “hehe, i told you, it’s really stupid…” you laugh at yourself. “hrgh, i understand the feeling. losing is.. awful, it makes you feel inferior. but it does not make you any less talented. tetchou may be the strongest hunting dog but i, myself am better than him in interrogations, right?” he.. hes joking right?

“aha.. ahahahaha!” you giggle. “wha?!? hey, thats a genuine question!” he complains. “ah.. hahaha! sure, if that’s what you wanna think!” you cry, but this time not from sadness or frustration, happiness. well.. if it’s you, he could be the clown, just this once.

#Doppo Kunikida

a huge case has came the way of the agency. after it had been resolved, you were the unlucky soul who had to summarize it to the bureau of unique abilities and god, was ango a fucking critic.

‘i’ll go to sleep in an hour’ you told kunikida— 3 hours ago. ah, it’s almost 2 already and you’ve just finished an evaluation of the enemy. in theory, this isn’t so hard, so why? ‘am i just incompetent? or am i stupid? why can’t i do this?’ you thought while crying into your hands

“s/o, dear what are you still doing up?” kunikida said, sitting up onto the bed and grabbing his glasses. “you need at least 7 hours of sleep to function properly, it isn’t healthy to pull all-nighters.”

grabbing a tissue from the box beside your lamp, you swiftly clean your face “y-yea just… finishing up some work.” of course, kunikida is much smarter than that. “come here.” he says, his arms wide open. “are you alright? what has got you so stressed?” petting your head gently, he listened to your woes, never even once bringing up some sort of schedule.

“you were working on your report?” he asked, almost mocking you… “s/o, work is there for a reason, there is a time when you should work and a time where you should rest or else you can’t work properly.”

rolling you down onto your side of the bed and tucking you in. “rest for now, alright, dear? the report is tomorrow’s problem.” he said while turning off the lamp. “and if you’re still struggling—“ kissing your lips, “ill be there to help you.”

#Koyo Ozaki

working in the port mafia had never been easy, especially when you’re your girlfriend’s informant. of course, she didn’t favor you at all, you were still expected to finish your reports and tell koyo of all the things you learned.

despite being a mafia sub-executive, you weren’t kind to the screams of agony often heard in koyo’s torture chamber or the blood that often stained the floors. you always were in your office or out with a client.

that is until koyo had went out to complete her own will— an ability user from the government had landed into the port mafia’s trap. “mx. s/o, what should we do? if we wait for lady ozaki to arrive, he might escape!”

logically, it’d be best to wait for koyo’s official orders but who knows when she’ll be back? you cant ask another executive for help, you’re the one in charge? what do you do? your head is fogging up, it’s getting harder to think, voices are layering it’s almost like you’re just a spectator.

“t…try to get as much information out of him right now..” you finally say, falling onto your chair. the cries of misery overheard from the walkie talkie never seemed to end.

time seemed to pass slower, the next thing you remember, koyo was holding you close to her. “flower, what has you so gloomy?” she asked gently, never even frowning when you stuttered.

“i..i hurt someone. im sorry, im s-“ you pleaded before koyo carefully hushed you. “it wasn’t your fault, my light, he was a… misogynistic and patriarchal man, the only thing he was really good for was giving us information and thanks to you, darling, we got it.” she smiled gently at you.

“how— hic how do you know..?” you rub your red eyes. “he guaranteed us use of a rolodex filled with info of who has landed into yokohama recently. ogai suspects that we will find out where that dostoevsky had hid.” she explained, pulling you to rest in her arms. “now rest. tomorrow, it will be a better day for the both of us.”

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danothan · 9 months

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God your dc thoughts are so good like you do amazing art but also your interpretations and analysis' of things are so cool and you phrase everything in such good digestible ways augh!!!! Thank you for the rambles they're the bestest ever they make me proud to be involved in a media/franchise that invites such in depth readings and in a fandom that has such talented people to do those readings!!! Ahh!! That being said do you have any Hal reading suggestions I've read enough Barry to have him constantly circling in my head but my knowledge on Hal stuff is pitiful in comparison so if you have any recs that'd be greatly appreciated keep up what you do thank you AHHH

i need to die rn so this can make it into the eulogy. i can’t even begin to describe how touched i am, so. i won’t. but just Know.

and i’ll gladly give you a list of what i have!! i’ve barely touched on most of them tho, so i can’t give a firsthand review for each one. quite truthfully, i am very apprehensive of GL titles in general, but these are the ones i enjoyed or have a good feeling abt!:

- Emerald Twilight (MANDATORY)

- Spectre 2001 (MANDATORY)

- Green Lantern: Darkseid War (essential to me but not mandatory)

- Green Lantern: Secret Origin (essential to me but if you have a low tolerance for geoff johns feel free to finish at the backstory + skip to the last couple pages that close it off)

- Convergence: Green Lantern/Parallax (this one was a rec, apparently it’s not that good but does have some very important character moments for hal?)

- Green Lantern 1990 #40-42 (also a rec, dunno much abt this but i was told that i’d like it!)

- New Frontier 2004 (justice league stuff!)

- Green Lantern: Earth One (fun astronaut hal au! i hear it makes the supporting cast ooc but hal has a pretty strong character study)

- Flash/Green Lantern: The Brave and the Bold (MANDATORY for halbarry)

- The Flash: Fastest Man Alive #10 “Burnout” (hal makes an appearance to cheer up his bud!)

- edit: Green Lantern: Willworld (also a rec!)

- edit: Green Lantern: Knight Terrors (disappointing to many, incredibly important to me. on a personal level.)

i hope this helps or at least guides you in the right direction! ik i’m missing some pretty classic ones but i have no experience with them myself, even in passing, so i don’t feel qualified to recommend them. enjoy your hal reading journey, and thank you again for the kind words! seriously, made my day :”)

#shamefully i know more abt hal titles than barry ones #i like to read random barry ones here and there but idk any of the essentials!#so if you’d like to trade titles 👀#danswers #dc #green lantern #hal jordan #reading guide #<- not rly but it’s from my own reading list so ^^;

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hetaari · 11 months

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I challenge you to badly summarize each and every one of your fics

You know what. Ok.

Backstage (Hetalia): bit of backstage homosexuality innit

Buon San Valentino except it’s Switzerland instead of Germany (Hetalia): self-explanatory

Imaginary (Hetalia): local German has been having vivid hallucinations for basically a century

Your Name (Hetalia): “you don’t need to know what my name is. You can try tho.”

The entire True Colors series (so far white, brown, yellow, and green) (Hetalia): “hey bro what’s your favorite color”

The Proposal (Hetalia): *aph china voice* “the fuck you mean japan asked you guys to marry him too??? I don’t wanna be part of a polycule!”

Distrust (Hetalia): *aph poland voice* ‘his vibes….they’re rancid. Untrustworthy.’

Bothered (Hetalia): *aph veneziano voice* “I am not having a good time rn”

To You, With Love (Hetalia): “hello girl it’s been a while hasn’t it”

Marooned (Hetalia): Japan commits murder-suicide

The Thumping (Hetalia): The Tell-Tale Heart but worse

Baking (Hetalia): Germany is physically incapable of doing anything without being even vaguely homosexual

A Happy End (Hetalia): “we’re all going to die but I’m fine with it”

Eyes Wide Closed (Hetalia): having your eyes open like a normal person is too fucking personal tbh

Let Go (Hetalia): Yao Wang should see a therapist

In Your Arms (Hetalia): Spain is the ceo of hugs

Consumption (Hetalia): “you’re so cute I just want to eat you up!”

Fascination (Hetalia): you must have balls of steel to break into someone’s house and act like it’s normal to be there

Colorful (Hetalia): “yes I paint with my eyes closed. But it’s fine bc it’s like a nice little surprise at the end.”

The Hills Are Alive (Hetalia): clearly the land around Lithuania’s house is more than just haunted

Bright (Hetalia): you know when someone’s so beautiful that you can barely make visual contact with them

“Tú eres mi media naranja.” (Hetalia): *aph spain voice* “mi amor I cannot live without you”

Dropping By (Hetalia): your weird boyfriend has come to visit

“Can’t Wait to See You Again.” (Hetalia): “see you soon girl <3”

My Wife, The Sea (Hetalia): tfw you can’t marry people but you can marry a literal body of water

Hurt (Hetalia): those two should really seek therapy

The Handmade Chocolates I Recieved Are まずい。(Hetalia): how do you tell someone their cooking sucks without hurting their feelings?

“Welcome Back.” (Hetalia): local German forgets an important facet of his existence, proceeds to be proper fucking miserable upon finding out about it for the next four and a half decades

Not In That Way (Hetalia): this could’ve been avoided with better communication skills

Closer (Hetalia): “I want to lie on your chest and listen to your heartbeat <3 without all the skin in the way <3”

Dead Battlefield (Hetalia): “we’re the only ones alive here. For now.”

Misdiagnosis (Hetalia): this is why you shouldn’t swallow seeds

Blue Hour Marshmallows (Vocaloid): Bros comforting bros

The Great Outdoors (Hetalia): Alfred is lowkey a scaredy-cat

Dead Weight (Hetalia): “yes I know he’s dead so it wouldn’t matter what happens to him. No I’m not leaving him behind even if doing so guarantees my own survival.”

The Very Beginning (of Something Great) (Vocaloid): *hatsune miku voice* “uwu a new friend??? Yes please”

The Way It Started (Vocaloid): *kaito voice* “oh god oh fuck I need him to think I’m cool so we can be friends immediately”

A Chat About Us (Vocaloid): telepathic convo

Acceptance (Hetalia): “oh so I’m gonna die? Fair enough.”

Kisses (Hetalia): Spain is also the ceo of kissing

Sunset (Hetalia): studies show that the sunset is the best time to be gay

Golden Hour Tangerines (Vocaloid): Bros comforting bros 2: the turn tables

Setting Up (Vocaloid): everybody in that house is extremely unobservant

Rain and Silence (Classicaloid): “hmm. Today I will enjoy the peace and quiet.” (clueless)

Stuck (Vocaloid): stupid idiot gets stuck

Ill (Hetalia): this is why you shouldn’t walk through random doors you find in the basement

Solitude Summer (Hetalia): “I know this is no strings attached but I’m actually kinda in love rn”

Part of You (Classicaloid): “wow he is so cool. I wish he would eat me.”

Hey, Hey, Mamma (Hetalia): lots of Italian men are mama’s boys, aren’t they?

Vene Collezione (Hetalia): the same guy getting railed over and over again

An Unconventional Sort of Employment (Vocaloid): had there been monetary transactions involved, she would’ve been sold to hatsune miku

Do You Love the Color of the Sky? (Vocaloid): “yeah bro actually. The sky is always beautiful because you’re by my side”

Dyed in White: The Return (Hetalia): the Pictonians are back and this time it’s personal

First Sound of the Future (Vocaloid): “everything I know and love is no more and I don’t understand what is happening”

W Academy School Idol Club (Hetalia): “wow that looks interesting. Time to form my millionth club.”

#ask #hetaari speaks #they’re posted in order of last update btw #also I love how I can see the quality steadily improving as I go down the list. I’ve come quite a ways haven’t i

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idontdanceisit · 11 months

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So uhhh… I made this. No I’m not making a fnaf fan game idk how to code, I only know how to draw. (Barely.)

The summary is that Withered Freddy finds out that most of the animatronics are missing and looks at the console where he saw Toy Freddy. Toy Freddy found it from a dumpster so of course it’s cursed and so Withered Freddy gets sucked into the survival horror game console. There are multiple worlds like a haunted house, abandoned hotel, a lost ship, a totally not dangerous carnival and some glitchy world idk. Fighting some animatronic monsters 👺 I guess. So this is my first out of 8 playable characters in the game (characters are Withered Freddy, Toy Freddy, Toy Bonnie, Toy Chica, Withered Bonnie, Withered Chica, and Withered Foxy. Some of them which you have to save in certain worlds and levels). Withered Freddy finds Toy Freddy, later Withered Freddy goes missing and Toy Freddy has to save him. Okay. Now I summarized the story I will explain the pictures too. Ouch.

This is Withered Freddy’s character selection picture. The brighter one represents him being unlocked and still alive. The darker represents him not being unlocked yet or he ended up dying.

Now I will explain whatever this image means. And No it is not a Game Over. (I’m not making the game over screen till I have done all the playable characters.) You See the characters act as lives. If your character dies (unless u only got one) you have to continue the level you’re on with a different character. The game over is when all your playable characters die. Then you lose all of your items /(Including collectibles hehe yes I am evil.) and you Have to start the level you’re on all over again, so just don’t die. (Unless you got a game over and you only had one playable character, you can keep your items I'm not that evil :)) The only way to get the character back is to complete the level your on, find a very rare item that brings them back, or you know, get a game over.

Heavily inspired by this lol. (I tried okay?)

This is Withered Freddy’s character description. If you can’t read this don’t worry I’ll re write it here. Sigh.

“Withered Freddy-‘The Broken Bear’

Withered Freddy, the once beloved stage singer of Freddy Fazbear was now replaced his Toy counterpart. Despite being a Worn-out looking animatronic, he has lot’s of strength and is great at hiding in the shadows. However…sometimes his almost constant stress gets the best of him. It doesn’t get any better when he has to fight back to survive…”

Yea there is another version where it explicitly shows his strengths and weaknesses. I’m thinking that for my none existing fnaf fan game there would be an explicit description that you could turn off and on. When it’s off you must figure what they do in game and maybe description. When it’s on, it tells you straightforward what their weaknesses and strengths are. This is the explicit description turned on,

I hope y’all can read it cause I don’t wanna re write it rn. I literally am going to repost this because I didn’t like the time where I posted it. Aka at ONE AM IN THE FREAKING MORNING. So yea…

Well I hope y’all didn’t cringe that badly. Anyways congrats on making it to the end I heavily appreciate it. If you have questions, ideas, and criticisms I would appreciate it in the comment section! I’m gonna need it lol. Thank you all and have a good day/night.

#fnaf au #fnaf #five nights at freddys #fnaf fanart #fnaf 2 #fnaf fandom #withered freddy #withered animatronics #survival horror #why did i post this #ahhhhhhhhh #reeeee #why #but like #what is this #oh well #whatever #Fnaf: GameOver

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raraeavesmoriendi · 2 years

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(discussion of family death below)

so today might be the day my mom’s dad passes. he’s been deteriorating pretty fast since he and my grandma moved in with my parents in december, and my mom came up this morning to tell me she and gran are seeing All the Signs (my aunt passed at my grandmother’s five house years ago, so they’re both familiar with how home deaths look).

I don’t have a good relationship with my mom’s dad - none of the women(/whatever I am) in the family do. he’s just always been a bad grandfather and a worse dad, and I’ve been furious with him since he demanded my mom to drive him to work at the ass-crack of dawn literally the morning after her sister passed from a long and painful illness, when he’s self-employed and hadn’t provided solid income for years. he’s just always been a selfish dude who was in it to make a quick buck at the expense of everyone else in his family, and he wasn’t even good at it bc he and my grandma have extremely limited savings that she basically has had to watch like a hawk to make sure he doesn’t blow it on something stupid. she already found out a few weeks ago that he asked the guy watching their house to repair the bed of a truck that doesn’t even run, if you need an example.

so rn I’m upstairs in my childhood bedroom bc my mom told me it was probably going to be either today or tomorrow, and I know I need to suck it up and get in the shower so I can be downstairs/present/keeping them company, but I just feel kind of… stuck? like. this man I’ve been angry at forever is passing or on his way, my mom and grandma are kind of trapped bc they don’t want to be away from here/him when he does even though I’ve gotten the vibe from both of them that they’ll kind of be relieved when he’s reunited with the rest of his batshit family, and I just needed a space to quick let this out bc I genuinely don’t know what I’m doing the rest of the day besides poking around on my laptop downstairs and twiddling my thumbs waiting for an old dude to kick it.

idk, I’m sure this makes me sound like a raging turbo-bitch 5000 and I’ve accepted that, but I can’t help but feel a little bitter at this guy who’s barely been a background figure in my life for decades - who literally lost interest in me as soon as I stopped being a cute chubby infant, but still wants to feel like he’s passing on some bullshit wisdom or whatever to my younger brother - and mad that he isn’t leaving my gran, his only wife of six decades at least, with anything but debt and an old house that she never liked that he let slide into disrepair bc he kept spending their money on useless shit.

I’m glad my family can take care of him at this stage, bc that’s what family is for and we would never dream of leaving my mom’s folks vulnerable or hurting, but I can’t help but still be angry on behalf of the three women I love more than anything whose needs he never once considered before his own, the two left alive now having to bear the brunt of his decades of shit-for-brains decisions.

anyway. family is complicated, if you have a grandpa who is/was actually worth a damn, pour one out for me tonight 🖤 that’s a lucky, lucky thing, and I’m missing my dad’s dad a whole fuck of a lot right now.

#death tw #and then rarae says #family is messy and I’m glad I’m here but I also wish I was back at my place rn

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navigatingattheriskoffeelingdumb · 2 months

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Feeling so suicidal for so many reasons. I guess bc I was in immense pain. Like the kind of pain that makes me wanna not be alive. And that’s bc I stood up for too long making the fucking tiramisu after I knew my ankle was really sore but I had to do it for my mum. And then I really didn’t want to be alone but I was but it’s a problem bc I have so much of his time and then when I really want it and I don’t have it I spiral. I hated that feeling. That’s the type of feelings I don’t miss. When I just feel so alone bc I’m now used to someone being around and when they leave I want to hurt myself. I know it’s irrational bc I can see the rational thoughts. The whole point of saying this is to get out the negativity so it doesn’t affect anyone. I tried to wait up bc I hate being alone at night. I fuxking hate it. I worked so hard to become okay with it. Bc Nat never wanted to stay even after I asked him to please stay bc im scared. And then I learnt to suffer with being alone. And I was fine. And then D just did it automatically. and I was so happy bc I didn’t even have to ask or force someone. For the first time I actually don’t have to ask for anything bc it’s always just there and it’s always perfect thanks to him. And I am so fuxkitn thankful. Everything is so simple. But yeah. When it’s not there it’s hard and I have to rememebr how to be okay again. It’s fine. So I tried to stay awake. I will always try. Just to be with him for longer. And then I felt angry and sad. All my fault ofc. And the stress makes the pain worse. And the night was awful. And in my dreams you hurt me again. And I hate you for it. And I wake up in so much pain and wonder if you actually did hurt me in an alternate reality. In my sleep. And then this morning I felt abandoned. Bc I was trying to recover from all of these feelings and all the pain I was in. I felt like I could barely walk. And as quick as he came, he left. And I was alone again. Emotional permanence really be ruining my mood rn. Please remember that people love you and they’re not abandoning you every time they say they are leaving. They aren’t leaving you. And not to mention the underlying fear that everyone could die and I would actually be alone and it’s scary and I’m scared. Still whatever I do isn’t enough. I’ll treat you like we will be together forever, and when you leave it’ll hurt bc I know I’ll fuck up with my horrible mental issues, but it’s for the best bc you deserve so much in this world. You deserve the best. And that is not me. I will ruin you despite battling every day to do the complete opposite. I’m so sorry. I hope I don’t hurt you. I hope I can give you what you need.

I will try my best to be deserving of you. If I fail, I’m sorry.

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borderline-gays-club · 2 months

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03/04/24. 10:43am

I’m feeling emotional today, crying on the train to get to work. I’ve been battling this depression the past week or so and trying to find hope. I had a conversation abt our dreams with my best friend this morning and I feel a lot rn.,

It’s so hard knowing what I want/need in my life yet the grind of just trying to stay alive is preventing me from being able to work on anything in the way that I want. And then just feeling perpetually behind bc of my neurodivergence and my fun assortment of mental illnesses it’s hard not to sink into deep depression. this depression creeps up from time to time anyway, and I just need to continue to battle it all. It’s so hard, and I know I’m not the only one. Literally everyone is struggling this same struggle. To not have your creativity and love for life beat the fuck out of you is a daily fight. It’s really so hard, but then the alternative is to just be a worker dead inside with no hope, no dreams, no space to imagine a better future.

It’s always so sad hearing abt ppl giving up their dreams for the sake of survival and bc everyone’s just tired. So many ppl are just empty and complacent in their emptiness. Bc imagining a better future is also fighting all these oppressive systems. If you’re too loud abt it u can literally get killed. But if you’re not loud abt it you die internally and succumb to the weight of oppression.

Every time I feel hopeless I just think of every person that has had their dreams, their beautiful life just violently stolen from them. How cruel that is to be born into life with a natural love for life, for that to be stripped of you.

I think about the thought of being hopeless In life being a privilege. Which is also what makes me continue to fight on within myself so I can fight for a better future not just for myself but for humans and all life. I refuse to let this hellish system kill my soul. Even if they kill my body, I have to die with fight in me. I don’t want to be a coward. I have so much fight in me, I made it this far.

I think about every single martyr that we see on our phones daily in Palestine. And all the martyrs throughout this imperial colonial regime that have become nameless. Babies that couldn’t even make it to their first birthday. How evil is that. They barely breathed life and got it all ripped away. All this suffering for the benefit of a few ppl.

And I can’t help but feel guilty that I have the privilege of still being able to chase my dreams. But I can’t let that guilt keep me frozen. I have to keep moving. What does it mean to honor all of these people who’s live were violently stolen? What does it mean for me to live my life with courage and not succumb to cowardice and complacency? These are the things I am grappling with. And that I need to find answers to. We all deserve a life that is filled with violent torture and bloodshed. We all have a right to Live a life with love and care and compassion and joy. I’m so so tired but I can’t let hopelessness and despair overcome my fight and love for life. I need to keep fighting. The sadness is only a part of the fight. There will be victories even in these desperate times. Humans are resilient.

#actually bpd #bgc #bpd #bpd thoughts #quiet borderline #actually borderline #bpd shit #hope

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vizthedatum · 2 months

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Nearly all my tumblr posts today will be tinged with PMDD

(imagine blood coming out of the PMDD letters as I say that because the bloods not coming out of me yet)

The mood and fatigue stuff get extremely bad right before my period drops.

Sometimes it feels like some PMDD episodes are worse than others.

I was having such a good weekend too but today I’m struggling so hard. I’m using all my spoons on work (because I need to keep working to earn money to stay alive I guess) - and I’m barely able to eat (trying to rn).

I’m so scared of scaring people away when I’m like this.

I have, you know. I sincerely don’t think I’m violent but my moods can get so so low.

And I almost always flare.

I’ve seen ex-partners who were SO IN LOVE WITH ME just give up on me as I have “yet another crisis.”

But yeah - I am reminding myself that this is temporary. You know, until my period starts and a whole other slew of symptoms begin.

#PMDD #fuck PMDD #ptsd #healing #neurodivergence #trauma #love #queer #self love #prose #period #periods #low mood

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moon-of-curses · 1 year

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ok so this is the drunkest I have ever been (iirc) and also the most alive I have ever felt and I’m probably going to hate myself in the morning but it won’t be more than I usually hate myself so I don’t care.

I have a girlfriend, and I’ve had one for like a month, and she’s so fucking cool and they helped me process the intrusive thoughts (spurred on by holding a literal revolver, thank you texas) and oh my god she’s so cool and we are so gay.

we’re gay! I’m gay! I am a lesbian! a homosexual! gay! oh my god this is the best night of my life! it was a pretty fucked up evening (see: intrusive thoughts + revolver, I promise that’s relevant but I’m don’t really wanna get into it) but tonight? I’m fuckin living it up!

christ I have to actively stop myself from becoming a horror writer in the discord servers I’m in with the amount of detailed prose that’s (Imma be honest) pretty much stolen from another tumblr post about the night sky against the ocean and how primally terrifying that is. lord I’m drunk.

three shots of tequila and six shots of rum; I am fucked up tonight. and I am loving every second of it. oh my god it takes so much concentrated effort not to say something I’ll regret and like fucking doxx myself or some shit. logically I should delete that shit about the night sky but even sober I’m all tricky and clever and coy and shit. I’m not gonna say anything more about where I live than I usually do. and even then it’s not like anyone even pays enough attention to this blog to figure it out.

by the time I’m a big enough name on tumblr for people to give a shit I will have long since moved out of this shithole. I probably will have moved out of texas by then. maybe seattle. I hear that’s a good place for friendly neighborhood anarchists to live, thought I’ll have to do more research. man fuck texas. all my homies hate texas. and fuck greg abbot too. y’know what, just fuck the government. I said it on my memey ass sideblog, I’ve probably said it here; fuck the government. fuck all governments! fuck anyone who would deny anyone their rights as a human being! I hate this world and the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I hate it more than myself!

fuck I’m drunk. I am filled with so much love and hatred for my fellow human (the best examples of which being my girlfriend and nazis respectively) and I’m not gonna let anyone take that away from me again.

oh my god you have no idea how hard it is not to self harm rn. it is in like, every impulse. but, I resisted impulse (or intrusive thoughts, I’m not sober enough to tell the difference), so fucking hell if I’m giving up now.

no one’s going to see this, and that’s okay.

I told my girlfriend to go to sleep and put her needs first, so Imma be honest, I’m mostly writing this as a way to keep myself occupied until I sober the hell up.

AHAHAHAH!

my anarchism sideblog that I abandoned weeks ago is getting notes! that’s fuckin hilarious! good on ya for paying attention to it I guess!

oh dear lord I’m rambling, but see, last time I rambled on tumblr it was in tags! and I’m not using tags on this post (save for one, for archiving purposes)! that’s, like, progress or some shit! or maybe just the gradual decay of my ability to give a shit!! who knows? who cares! I said the first time that I wanted to get drunk and fuck my best friend but you know what she’s my girlfriend now and you know what? I’m fuckin down for it! sex!! oh my fucking got I can’t wait! oh fucking hell I’m going to regret airing all this out in public but fuck you it’s barely fucking public and no one gives a shit about my life (least of all my parents) except for my girlfriend and oh my god I have a girlfriend! this is amazing!

uh... fuck you, fuck the gevernment, and fuck. tennis!

I don’t even know that reference

#kill me now

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megagrind · 2 years

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Animation is so cool! You just gotta draw some funky lines and boom! U got a little dude moving across the screen! Pretty awesome!

It also makes you feel like a shell of a human being

#pulled the 2nd all nighter this week and bro I am barely alive rn #I’m just about done animating and need to finish backgrounds and compositing #and I really need a soundtrack in the first 30 seconds #and then I need to do some camera moves and add some effects and make my title and credits and mix the rest of my sound #and I got finish it all before Monday or I’m held back a year #can i get a heeeeeeeeell yeeeeah #anyway #need another miraculous reveal to inject drugs into my veins to get me through #don’t make a 4 and a half minute film kids

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darling-i-read-it · 3 years

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Lipstick

Karl Heisenberg x reader

Word Count: 1.9k

Warnings: borderline nsfw like I thought real hard about it, weapons, talks of murder, slight spoilers for resident evil 8

Author’s Note: just impulsively wrote this and am posting it promptly after writing so it has not been edited. Besties im down bad about this sarcastic basterd (also if anyone wants a nsfw part 2...i am willing to provide) (or any other requests for him and Alcina, my favorite bi panic people rn)

Summary: You run into Ethan in Castle Dimitrescu on your way back to the factory.

I don’t own these characters. They belong to author/director

(not my gif)

Ethan Winters genuinely just wanted his daughter back. He was so sick and tired of going through this village in an attempt to save her, running into every possible inconvenience he could find and knowing that he would probably lose fingers fighting them.

Castle Dimitrescu was vast and regal. He might have liked it if he wasn’t running for his and his daughters' lives from the four vampires that lived there.

He was crouched down, holding a gun up as he walked very quietly and carefully throughout the house so as to not alert any of the Dimitrescu daughters. He opened one of the unlocked doors carefully and immediately stopped moving at the sight of someone.

You wore no cloak, to signify that you were a daughter and you were much shorter than the lady of the house. You grabbed one of the lipsticks that Alicna had plenty of and leaned over the vanity to see how it looked on you.

Ethan stood up and held the gun up to your head. You raised an eyebrow, looking at him from the mirror reflection.

“Who are you?” he asked, voice rough. Rougher than his face looked. You put on the lipstick and then rubbed your lips together.

“Do you think this is my color?” He shoved the gun further into your head and you scoffed. “Fine fine. Not one for makeup eh?” You put your hands up and turned around. He let you sit down on the vanity but not without his gun still pointing at your skull. You seemed unphased which would have been weird if Ethan wasn’t incredibly desensitized to everything ever.

“Who are you? Are you one of the vampires? One of the other family members? Who are you?!” You put your hands slowly down on your lap. He let you, but you were testing his patience.

“Not quite.” You gestured to him. “I’m human. Like you. Well not like you, I’m completely human, no mutations or anything done.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he hissed. You waved him off.

“If you hurt me, you will have Karl on your head and I imagine it won’t be pretty. It’s the only way I can get from Castle to Castle unharmed,” you told him.

“Karl?”

“You know, fun hat, frizzy hair, has that big hammer thing. Karl.”

“Heisenberg?” You nodded.

“Yes Ethan, I thought you were smarter than this.” Ethan shook his head quickly and then regained focus, his hand holding the gun shaking a bit.

“Where’s Rose?” You shrugged.

“Fuck if I know Ethan Winters. I’m just the person who lives in a factory and becomes a nuisance for each and every Lord.” He jabbed the gun at your head and you didn’t even flinch.

“You’re lying.”

“Truthfully, I am not. If I knew where Rose was I would at least give you a hint, just to make it interesting.”

“What is Heisenberg to you?” he asked. You smiled a bit, crossing your legs.

“I’m Heisenberg's...girlfriend for lack of a better word. Whatever Mia was to you.” His mind flashed back to Mia. He had barely been able to mourn her. He shook the thought out of his head.

“You know how to get out of here and get Rose yes?”

“I know how to get out of here. How to get Rose, I have no idea. We’ve been over this.”

“But Heisenberg knows and if I can bring you to him, he can tell me.” You shook your head gently.

“Ethan sweetie...I could call for Alcina or the girls at any time and they would be in here in seconds to tear you to pieces.”

“Not before I could pull this trigger.”

“Again, if you so much as scratch me, you’ll never breath non metal infused air again.” Ethan shook his head gently and took a deep breath. He grabbed the gun at you again. He was silent and then he lowered it.

“I’ll just be going then,” he muttered, defeated. You nodded pleasantly and stood up from sitting on the vanity. You put the lipstick back on it. You walked forward and put your hand on Ethan’s shoulder. He looked you in the eyes.

“Good luck Ethan Winters.” You started to leave but turned to him. “I do suggest that in order to save your daughter you don’t kill Alicna’s in the process.”

“Any bits of advice then?” You put your hand on the doorknob and turned it, opening it just a tad.

“Grab the masks for the main room. Do you have a map?” He handed it to you, a tattered old piece of paper. You grabbed the lipstick again and marked some places. “Avoid hurting them as much as you can.”

“Why are you helping me?”

“I don’t like Mother Miranda. I don’t trust Mother Miranda. She is the one who has your daughter I’m sure or she must know where she is. But the Dimitrescus and Karl...even Donna for that matter, are people I like and trust.”

You stepped back outside the room.

“If I hear you’ve killed any of the daughters, I’ll tell them what I know of you. If you think the Dimitrescus are scary, just wait until you meet Donna.”

You shut the door in his face. Ethan shivered.

====

You walked up the stairs to the second floor. You knocked on the door of Alcinas room and she swang it open. She took a sigh of relief.

“Thank God. I thought you were Ethan Winters.”

“You think Ethan would knock before coming in?” She scoffed. You held her the lipstick you were wearing.

“Where did you find that?”

“Downstairs where I ran into Ethan,” you said honestly. Her eyes went wide and her lips pursed in annoyance.

“Did you see the girls?”

“No but I’m sure one of them ran into him as he left the room. He was only there a couple of minutes ago, it shouldn't be that hard to find him.” She walked past you without saying goodbye. You huffed. “You’re welcome!”

=====

You made it back to the factory in just a couple of minutes. You had gotten so used to the walk that you were on autopilot the whole time before you were back to your room. Karl was already there, clearly taking a quick break before returning to his never ending work day.

“Where did you go?!” he asked, walking up to you from the bathroom. He put his hand on your arm and you grabbed his glasses which were hanging from his shirt. He had shed the jacket and hat, clearly about to shower.

“Relax, I was just at Alcinas castle,” you told him gently. He let out an annoyed exaggerated sigh that you knew all too well.

“How is my sister?” he asked. You took the lipstick out of your pocket. Alcina hadn’t actually taken it in her fit of rage to go and get Ethan. Now you had something extra for your own personal vanity back at the factory.

“Shy of one more lipstick.” You walked past him into the bathroom. He followed you as you placed it carefully on your vanity. You admired it for a second with a smile on your face. You wrapped an arm around yourself and turned back to him. You hoisted yourself onto the bathroom counter. “I ran into Ethan Winters.”

His face, which had been admiring your new addition to the vanity which was full of stolen things and things he had acquired for you, turned sour. Karl put his hand on your arm and raised it, checking your side and arm for injuries.

“I told you not to leave the room until he was caught,” he grumbled. He was trying to act like he hadn’t been worried about you from the second he realized you were gone. He was trying to ignore the fact that he himself almost stomped to each of the Lord’s castles to make sure you were alright. He didn’t want you to run into Ethan Winters, that was his worst nightmare. Ethan didn’t have any regard for you. Ethan just wanted Rose. “Are you hurt?” You shook your head.

“No. He asked me if I knew where Rose was and held a gun to my head but in the end we parted ways peacefully.”

“You could have brought him back here,” he muttered.

“I told Alcina where he was. I figured she could take care of him. You already had your shot.” He rolled his eyes and his grip on your arm tightened.

“You could have been seriously hurt. The Lord’s won’t hurt you but Mother Miranda might, Ethan might have.” You brought your free hand up to his cheek and leaned forward so your lips were just barely brushing over his.

“I can take care of myself.” He pressed a harsh kiss against your lips and made a low groaning noise. He let go of your arm to grab your leg and part them so that he could stand between your thighs. He dipped his head to kiss you and you pressed your body against him, feeling every inch of his breathing.

There was a harsh rasp at the door and he pulled away. You grabbed his neck and shook his head, kissing his jaw and peppering kisses down his neck.

“Come on, Mother Miranda doesn’t need you that bad,” you whispered. You pressed a long kiss to his jaw again and he had to physically tear himself away, however much it pained him.

“She might,” he grumbled. You held him until he moved too far away for you to. You groaned and put your head against the wall beside the mirror.

“Maybe I should go and find Ethan Winters again to finish the job. I mean he may only have eight fingers but he’s stayed alive this long and-” He grabbed your arm that was waving around as you spoke and looked you dead in the eyes.

“I will finish the job. You just sit tight kitten.” You kissed his knuckles and then let him go.

“Better be quick Karl. I get very restless very easily.”

He put on his hat and coat (the opposite of either of you wanted in the moment) and slammed the door in frustration against Mother Miranda behind him.

You took a deep breath and hoped he wouldn’t be gone too long.

NSFW Part 2

#karl heisenberg x reader #karl heisenberg imagines #heisenberg imagines #resident evil 8 imagines

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roscgcld · 3 years

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DAYDREAMING!AU || new reality

;request: rn i’m obsessed with your writing & the daydreaming!reader<33 but i also love angst so what would happen if she ended up getting really hurt protecting another student - hope that wasn’t too weird.. again, i love your writing !!

note: ahaha, i am glad that a lot of people enjoy my daydreaming!reader works; she is also one of my babies as well >< and originally i wasn't going to do this cause i had no idea on what to write - but i had managed to layout a rocky plan before i got some bursts of inspiration lol. ended up becoming too loud though ><” I am sorry for that~

pronouns: she/her

daydreaming!reader masterlist

“There is a chance that she will never wake up from this.”

Shoko gave the others in the room a concerned glance as she glanced up from her tablet, hating how silent it was besides the quiet beeping of the machines around the occupied bed. Laying in the bed was Y/N, a breathing tube carefully inserted into her mouth with the ventilator beside her being the only thing that’s keeping her oxygen levels normal. “The amount of damage she took was quite large. And even though she had managed to regulate quite a strong barrier of Curse Energy around her at all times, it wasn’t enough to brace her for the impact of her being slammed into the build.”

The mission shouldn’t have ended this way - the first and second year students were sent on a mission to deal with a few Finger Bearers that had appeared in the city due to the lack of sorcerers on duty at the time. They were under the care of a few First Grade sorcerers, all hand-picked by Yaga-sensei to ensure the safety of the kids.

However, things rarely go to plan in the jujutsu world.

Yaga-sensei sighs softly as he leans back into his seat, his eyes glancing over at his student that was clearly battling to stay alive. Guilt started to eat him from the inside out, since this was technically his fault. Sure, everyone knows that there is no way that you can go on a mission without enduring some casualties. But the fact is that this was not what he had expected for the outcome to be.. “I am going to kill them myself.”

“G-Gojo-san!” Ijichi hissed out as he glances over at the white haired shaman in the room with wide eyes, the man having been leaning against the wall opposite from the hospital bed with his arms crossed over his chest. His head was tipped forward with an almost too casual expression on his face, yet anyone can tell the barely suppressed anger that lurked underneath. An anger that was only a few moments away from exploding. “You can’t - don’t say things like that!”

“And you expect me to sit back as they failed to save the children?” Gojo asks in a loud voice, effectively squashing whatever confidence Ijichi had built up inside of him. The hand that was resting arm tightened, the veins at the back of his pale hands started to protrude out as Gojo’s anger started to show itself. “I need a good explanation on how their incompetency put our student in this state. 5 First Grades against 3 Special Grade Curses? With 7 talented students by their side and they still can’t handle it? Give me a fucking break.”

“Not everyone can be like you, Satoru.” Yaga-sensei finally mumbles out as he rests his forehead into his hand, fingers pinching at the space between his eyes tiredly. “If anything, it was my fault. I had underestimated the brains of the Finger Bearers, and because of that, all my calculations were wrong. I put retrieving the fingers over numbers. So if you want to find someone to be angry to, the blame is on me.”

The room went quiet after Yaga’s explanation, both Ijichi and Shoko sharing a caution look before casting a glance over at the blindfolded man. After a few tensed moments Gojo pushed himself off the wall and walked out of the hospital room without another word, closing the door behind him quietly; a stark contrast to his usual habit of either slamming the shoji doors too hard, or leaving it open completely.

That out of character move definitely had Shoko sighing in concern. “That idiot...I hope he’s not going to do anything stupid.” She mumbles softly before she turned back to face the young girl laying on the bed, quietly reaching over to brush her fingers through the soft strands that had fallen over Y/N sleeping face. “You better wake up soon, sweetheart...I worry that this might finally push him over the edge.”

Occupying each seat outside of the small waiting area in the infirmary were the other students; wounds bandaged, yet their anxiety was palpable in the air. They had heard what had happened, yet were sheild by the other sorcerers who had called for back-up. Last they heard of Y/N was a scream before what sounded like a building collasping. “Do you think Y/N-senpai is alright?”

Yuji was the first one who dared to break the silence, glancing up from his clenched hands before him to glance at the others. “I mean...it must have been bad, since she was charted off as soon as back up arrived.” Yuji mutters softly as he tightened his fingers together, trying to stop them from shaking. He felt awful - if only he had spared a few seconds to glance over at his senpai, maybe she wouldn’t be in the condition she’s in now. “It’s not every day you’re rushed straight to Ieiri-sensei’s office...”

“...If there is one idiot who can pull through, it’ll be her,” Maki mumbles out quietly after awhile, looking away from her kouhai to stare down at the wooden floors of the building they were in. “Even if it’s bad, she always pulls through it...there is no reason why she can’t do it this time.” She mutters softly just as a pair of footsteps came towards them, causing everyone to look up at the approaching figure.

Gojo paused when he spotted the others, the question they wanted to ask was clear as day. And for once, Gojo wished that he was able to reassure them like he always does. For him to be able to put up the act that everything was alright, that everyone will be okay.

But he knew that it’ll do no justice if he did. “Is she...is she alright?”

The question that fell from Yuta’s mouth was left hanging in the air for a few moments, the sliver of hope they had moments ago slowly dimming with each passing moment. Quietly Gojo slipped his hands into his pockets, his blindfolded eyes downcast; too scared to see their reactions. For once, he wished that he was not the one to break the news to the students. “Y/N-chan...might not recovery from this.”

His words sent shock waves through the students, yet he balled his fists up in his pockets to continue with what he had to say. “She hit her head too hard...and if she was not subconsciously protecting herself with Cursed Energy all the time, the impact would have caused her skull to crack in two on impact. But it still took a lot out of her person, and Shoko said that-”

The sound of a metal chair being thrown backwards echoed across the room, causing Gojo to look up just in time to see Yuta standing up with wide eyes as he hastily tried to calm his friend. “Maki, you need to calm down.” He tried to reason with the girl, who had her backed turn to the group, her hands shoved deep into the pockets of her jacket. “This isn’t your fault-” Yuta tried to reason, only to pause when Maki just silently started to walk away, leaving with no more but a loud slam of the main door that echoed down the hallway once more.

For a few moments no one said anything else, yet the first one to move was Megumi; who turned to face his sensei. “Can we visit her?” He mumbled out quietly, to which Gojo just glanced over at him with a slightly raised eyebrow. “Usually people talk to someone who is in a coma. Might jolt them awake or give them encouragement to fight harder...I am sure Y/N-senpai will get lonely if no one visited her..”

“Why not?” Gojo said after a few moments of thought, giving his students what he hope was a reassuring smile as he turns a little; nodding down the hallway. “Shoko managed to stabalise her condition. Just make sure to sanatise your hands at the door.”

Quietly the group of students followed behind their silent sensei, keeping close to one another as if they were trying to give each other comfort. The walk to the room seemed too far, the door seeming to grow further and further away from them with each step. It was if it was trying to stop them from seeing the truth; yet they didn’t stop. Yet soon they found themselves standing before the smooth door; the single grey name plaque with her name written in black resting in the silver plaque holder. “Right, here we are.”

After everyone was handed a blob of hand sanitiser and had wiped it onto their skin, the small group entered after a quiet knock to the door. “Y/N-chan, I’ve returned with the others...minus one, that is.” Gojo hummed out in delight as he made his way towards the bed, a silent gesture for the others to do the same. “You know Maki-chan though. Once she finishes beating herself up, she’ll come running back. She always does~”

Quietly the others made their way into the room, eyes scanning over the beeping machines and many wires connected to the sleeping girl. “Y/N...senpai..” Nobara mumbles out in shock, her eyes resting the ventilator; not believing that a girl that was bounding about the college earlier today now needed help to do something as simple as breathing. “No way...there is...”

A warm hand rest on the top of her head, Megumi quietly giving her a form of comfort whilst his wide eyes stared at the bed before him in shock. No one dared take a step forward, like they were standing on the other side of a fragile glass bridge that was moments away from breaking. “Y/N..”

Gojo felt the hole started to eat inside of him as he watches how his students were staring at their fellow classmate in shock. Quietly he settled down in the only seat at the corner of the room, watching from the shadows at how the others will react to seeing her in such a state. The first person to snap out of it was Yuta, who quietly places a hand on Toge’s shoulders before giving it a light squeeze. “Shall we go and say hello?”

Quietly Yuta made his way towards the bed, only to hesitate one step away from grabbing onto her hand. He stared at the frail hand, a simple IV needle carefully taped on the back of her palm for a few moments; a clear look of uncertainty on his face. Yet he took a deep breath, and with a trembling hand, carefully took Y/N’s cold hand in his. “I...Hi, Y/N...” Yuta mumbles quietly into the hospital room, voice barely heard over the constant beeping of the heart monitor. “Sorry...we took awhile to visit...and sorry that Maki isn’t here...I am sure she’ll drop by when she is ready though.”

The only response he got was the sound of the steady beep of the heart monitor, to which he just tighten his grip ever so slightly on Y/N’s unmoving hand. He could hear the soft giggle that Y/N would let out at his words, and if he felt tears welling up in his eyes as he hears her voice bouncing around inside his head.

“It’s alright, Yuta-san! I am sure you were busy before that. And I know Maki-chan will come after you leave - but you didn’t hear that secret from me~”

The silence of the hospital room made Yuta sick to the stomach, the idea that he might never hear Y/N’s voice again started to really sink in. Her usually warm and familiar touch felt cold and lifeless, causing Yuta to carefully tuck her hand underneath her hospital blanket; as if he was trying to warm it up once more. “I...I am going to go grab her favourite stuffed animal from her room. I am sure she’d love to have something of comfort whilst she’s here...if you’ll excuse me.”

Without another word Yuta just walked out of the room quietly, Yuji being the only one turning to watch his senpai leave with a look of concern. Out of everyone Yuji was definitely the one who seemed to be able to hold himself together the most, so it was no surprise when he was the one that went next. “Yo, Y/N-senpai,” Yuji greeted quietly as he walked towards the hospital bed, easily dodging all the wires and such. After all, this wasn’t his first time visiting someone he cares for in the hospital. “Can you hear me? I hope you can - or not Fushiguro might lecture me for being loud.”

The other sorcerer couldn’t even find his voice whilst Yuji continues on; his voice soft yet soothing as he looks down at his senpai with nothing more but a soft smile. “I know you’re trying your hardest go come back to us, and you’d probably tell us that we’re not the ones to blame. That you’re a big girl now, and things like this happen all the time.” Yuji continues, the only indication to his change of mood was the slight quiver that was hard to hide. Yet Yuji continued on anyway. “I hope you know we miss you...and we’re worried sick that you’re in the state you are now. But I know that you need some time to rest up, and soon you’ll be back on your feet again, right? ‘Cause..b-because that’s how you’ve always been.”

Silence enveloped the room once more, with Yuji just not sure on what else to say to her as he stared at her pale face. The other three in the room sort of just huddled together, all of them unsure of what to say to her. They weren’t the best with emotional words - beside Toge, who usually doesn’t use words at all - so asking them to keep their tone in check whilst referring to their unconscious classmate is a little too much for them.

So after awhile Yuji decided to lead them out of the hospital room, giving Gojo a parting smile before he closes the door behind him. Leaving him alone as he stared at the slumbering figure of his student as he rests his elbows on his parted knees. Quietly he rests his head in his hands, eyes closed as he tried to push back the light migraine that was coming on. He hates that it is his duty to break the news to the others - her parents, her elders. Heck, he has to give a call to Nanami and Utahime to tell them the bad news.

If it was anything else, he wound be more than excited to blow their phones up. But this? He wishes that the duty was handed to someone else - because he himself doesn’t even believe that this was happening in the first place.

He wishes that this was all just a terrible nightmare.

Maki quietly pushed the window open as she climbed in from the roof, the doors of halls of the infirmary long going silent; cicadas chirping away in the night sky. Maki quietly stuffed her hands into the pockets of her hoodie, eyes racking over Y/N’s sleeping form, to the amount of machines that were working by her side to make sure that she’s alive. “Hey, idiot...I’ve arrived.”

Quietly she made her way towards Y/N’s bedside, her eyes clouding over with an unreadable emotion. If she was being honest, she didn’t know how to react right now. On one hand, she was pissed - she is pissed off because she could have done something to help Y/N. Maybe if she was just faster, just a bit more aware, maybe if she was training to try harder. Maybe if she can just try harder-

A loud slap sounded across the room, Maki having pulled her hand out of her pocket to slap across her cheek hard to snap out of the spiraling thoughts. The burning sting on her cheek reminded her to return to reality before she started to trash the room out of anger, something that she and Y/N had been working on for some time now. Y/N would always say, “You should never turn to anger and violence to deal with your issues!”

Maki wonders what her reaction would be if she had saw Maki slapping herself so hard that there was a light handprint on the side of her cheek. “You’re so annoying, you know that?”

With a tired sigh Maki settled down in the seat that Gojo had occupied earlier in the day, keeping her eyes on the steady heart monitor; her eyes following the spike that indicates the faint heartbeat of Y/N. “Who the hell knew that it took an entire building to really get you hurt.” Maki sigh as she tore her eyes away from the screen, looking down at her boots quietly; examining all the scuffs and scratches on marring the smooth leather. “Call me stupid, but I really thought that it’d take more than that. Remember when you had jumped out the window of the 10th floor and left with no more but a bruise? You were crying about it ‘cause you couldn’t wear dresses for about 2 weeks.”

Maki let out a tired laugh at the memory of finding Yuta trying to reassure a crying Y/N when she found the bruise on her knee; Yuta just patting her head with the most amused look on his face whilst she cried her eyes out at the idea that she can’t wear her cute dresses until it cleared up. “Imagine what will happen when you wake up from this? God, that is going to be a pain.”

A soft sigh left Maki’s lips as she glances over at the stuffed sheep that Yuta had brought from her room; along with a few more random stuffed animals that surrounded her head like a halo. This caused her to smile sadly as she rests her head on her shoulder, watching her for a few minutes without saying anything. Maki had always been bad with words and emotions; with all the things she had gone through when she was younger. Wording how she feels and emotions are not Maki’s favourite thing to deal with, since she wants to keep this badass, strong woman front she has on all the time to prove something to her elders.

“You better wake up from this, or not I am going to kick your ass.” Maki mutters after a few moments, getting up with a tired sigh before she casts her another glance at Y/N. Without missing a beat, she reaches over to brush strands of hair away from her face, warm hand resting on her head for a few moments before she places a few parting pats on her head; something she had always done when she needs to leave for a mission or a meeting outside of school.

“‘Night, brat. Wake up soon, okay?” Maki mutters, and with a final sigh she made her way towards the window she climbed in once more, quietly shutting it behind her after she hauled herself over the railing. It was only in the dead of the night that Maki quietly lets her tears fall, biting her lip hard to stop whatever sounds that were threatening to leave her lips.

Because at the end of the day she is stubborn, and refuses to believe that this might be her new reality.

A week had passed since the day that the others found out that Y/N had fallen into a coma of a sorts, and everyone would visit at least once just to see if there is any sight of change. That there might be a sign that she was going to wake up soon. And there were slight changes; a few days after she had been admitted she was allowed to get off the ventilator and rely on oxygen instead. But she was still in bad shape.

Nanami tries to make time to drop by to visit as well, coming over to quietly read pages of the book that he was reading. Whenever Y/N was sick, she would call Nanami over the phone and ask if the man can read to her; something about how she finds comfort in his voice that puts her at ease. And since Ieiri had encouraged them to talk to her more for stimulation, Nanami takes the time to read to her after a long day of work. It brought him some comfort as well, listening to the constant beeping of the heart monitor and the humming of the other machines around her.

Gojo would sometimes drop by as well, only to berate Nanami for his ‘boring’ book choices; and an unconscious Y/N has to endure two adults arguing about book choices and how Gojo’s titles are definitely not appropriate to even bring onto school grounds.

Besides the occasional argument, sometimes Gojo will prop his phone up against a vase of flowers that Yuji brings so that Utahime can FaceTime him; the students from the Kyoto side being able to see and talk to the slumbering Y/N. For the most part, everyone was shocked that she was in the state she was in; having never expected such a bright and talkative person can fall into such a state.

The most distraught one was definitely Todo, who had almost jumped out of his seat and make a full on dash towards Tokyo if it wasn’t for Noritoshi and Mai joining together to restrain the man, along with Principal Gakuganji threating to hold him back from their planned trip to Tokyo the following week that had him calming down.

But barely - the man is still more than ready to just up and run across the country just so he can be closer to his ‘beloved Y/N-chan’.

Every day, without fail, Toge will come into her hospital room with a new accessory to pull her hair back into; carefully brushing her hair out and applying dry shampoo so it wasn’t greasy to the touch. Once he was satisifed he’d carefully style her hair back so it didn’t get in the way of her checkups, taking his time with everything so he gets to spend more time with her. He doesn’t say much, he usually finds that doesn’t whenever he is around her; so he takes his time when he does her hair in hopes that she can feel that he is there for her.

Yuta and Megumi will find time after classes to go and visit her together, telling her about everything that had happened whilst she is asleep. Sometimes Nobara will visit as well, must for the most time she’d come alone in the evening after dinner to just rant to her about everything that she found annoying that happened over the day. Nobara usually stay until Ieiri comes to kick her out, hoping that Maki might come in as well to visit Y/N.

But Maki never does - yet everyone knows that Maki finds the time in her day to go and visit her like everyone else. However, no one dared to ask her how or when she does it. They’ve accepted that it was probably a sensitive subject to her, and that it’s off limits to ask her unless you want her to ignore you for the rest of the day. Gojo had learnt it the hard way when he had teased her, only to be thrown out the window of their classroom by an annoyed Maki.

Even his Infinity is no match for that woman’s wrath.

Days soon led into weeks, with slow but not so encouraging signs of improvement from the young girl. The elders of her clan and her parents had visited the college as soon as they can, and had kept tabs with every single thing that is going on with her. There was no denying the fear of her suddenly relapsing once more, and soon it will become too much for her parents to bear. The idea of keeping Y/N around, knowing that she is in so much pain, just for their selfish want of keeping her alive was a reality they want to avoid.

The once vibrant and lively campus soon turned gloomy; the hallways of the school quiet without the familiar sound of bunny-themed slippers running across its worn-out flooring. The chime of a familiar giggle was missing in the air, along with a dreamy voice that just never seems to stop; no matter what time of the day it is. There were days where the others forget that Y/N was not there to make dinner for the night, or she wasn’t there when they want to ask her opinion about something. Her room, which once served as a sanctuary for the students who can’t sleep at night, now became too painful to even walk past on certain days.

Yet everyone tried their hardest to go on with their days, knowing that it was what Y/N wanted them to do. If they were to allow their grief to consume them whole, they knew the delicate routine they had rebuilt would crumble before them. And if there is one thing they can do to keep Y/N’s memory alive, is to live their lives to the fullest. To try and cherish each and every day, no matter how painful reality is without her by their side.

They have to try, for her sake.

It wasn’t until a month passed when Yuta had came running into the lunch hall, looking like he had seen a ghost as he tried to catch his breath. “Okkotsu-senpai?” Megumi asks in concern as he looks over at the older man, putting his tray down to try and give his panting senpai a hand. “Are you-” He asked, only to have Yuta put a hand up to stop him as he took a few deep gulps of air.

“A-Awake...Y/N...Y/N is awake.”

Within a few seconds the students were sprinting across campus, none of them believing what Yuta had said until they have see it for themselves. What is usually a 10 minute walk from the lunch hall took about four minutes with them sprinting, possibly annoying half of the cleaners of the school that they were breaking the no running rule. Yet they didn’t stop even at their annoyed outcries, the simple wooden door of the infirmary almost coming off its hinges at how hard Maki had thrown it open.

Maki was the one who pushed the hospital room door open, causing the people in the room to jump in shock. Including Y/N, who had let out a soft squeak of shock; her voice hoarse from not using it for so long. The others blinked in shock at the sight of Y/N’s bright eyes meeting theirs at the doorway, ones that blinked before she gave them the biggest smile she can muster.

“H-Hi.” Y/N mumbles softly, to which Nanami just gave her a rare smile as he gently rubs her back, Gojo smirking softly as he recorded the reactions of the others by the door. He had gotten over the shock a few moments ago. “Don’t strain yourself, Y/N-chan. Remember what Ieiri-sensei said about straining your voice.” The blonde man hummed before he turned his blue eyes over at the shocked students as well. “And that goes to you too. If you all stress her out, I am not against tossing you all out.”

Y/N made a noise and turned to try and reassure the older man, not noticing how the others were staring at her in shock. The first person to move was Maki, whose eyes look suspicious wet as she stormed into the room. “I am going to kill you.” She growled out loudly, to which Y/N jumped before she held her arms out for protection; feeling a shiver of fear go up her spine. Yet before she can make a move to stop her, Maki suddenly wrapped her up in a hug, the arms that Y/N held out to try and pacify her angry classmate freezing from the unnatural reaction from Maki.

Y/N blinks for a few moments before she smiles softly and wraps Maki up in her arms as well, gently patting her head as Maki silently wets her shoulder with her tears. “I know.” Y/N mumbles out softly before her eyes met the others, giving them a soft smile as she gently gestures to the others to enter her room. Soon there was just a huge ball of crying teenagers hugging one another on Y/N’s hospital bed; Gojo and Nanami having moved aside to give them more space for their reunion as they watched on from the other side of the room. “Should we stop them?”

“Nah, we might get murdered if we try.” Gojo said with a hum as he grins over the sound of intelligible crying, looking over at Nanami who had a ghost of a smile on his lips at the sight. “Besides, this is great content. I never had a video of Maki crying before.” Gojo admitted, to which Nanami’s smile dropped as he looked over at him in annoyance.

“Why am I not surprised at all?”

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shorkbrian · 3 years

Text

Prelude - I need to stop catching sight of poetry on my explore page lol. This is entirely self-indulgent and very specific cause I’m rotting thru life rn and so if u dislike I understand lol. When I was in the hospital this last time it sucked rlly bad and like the awful horny degenerate I was I kept thinking abt Kirishima and soft sweet Sugawara idk lol

Pairing - Death god Kirishima x Reader

Warnings - Suicide, suicide attempt, no smut. Death. Drunk Drivers. Yandere but only a little bit and cause I can’t voluntarily accept love it has to be forced bc I cannot handle the thot of someone who is sane loving me bc there is no freaking way lol

Music - https://open.spotify.com/track/5Iy1wdO0tMaHwKnfFYtlel?si=-vqod-W6SHia8ui2Hdl_9g

Adding this one bc it’s like one of my favorites and I wish god I wish and I hope that this year is better than the last amen lol also there’s nothing more sad to me than someone pleading and begging and crying for the year to treat you nicely like bitch u okay? no. the answer is no.

https://open.spotify.com/track/0xRO7EKgYKVB8zKIoiXMDD?si=HYBaiBzjRGmQwfCHgnTUxA

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“It hurts.” You had told him, as the entity sat at the end of your hospital bed.

He often sank heavily onto the nearest surface, as if his bones ached with the weight of his body. You saw him often during those first few days in the hospital, days spent puking up pills, every move you made monitored, doctors and nurses scolding you about the severity of your actions.

You didn’t think they could see the hulking figure that comforted you.

“I”ve heard that it’s supposed to.” The red god of death would think aloud.

“I don’t want it then.” Tears upon your cheeks, soft, misty. “Take it.”

“Your life?” A nod would affirm his question, but the red god would shake his head. “I am no thief. Not a hunter, simply a gatherer of souls. I won’t take what doesn’t belong to me.”

“Then it’s yours, have my life. A gift, from me to you. Don’t make me live it any longer…..”

His sadness would show in his eyes.

But the soul-crushing hugs that were provided were admittedly a tiny bit nice.

“You’re far too sweet for your own good. I’ll receive your life when the time is right, not before.”

“But I don’t want it!” You sobbed into his shoulder, the god seeming to be your only friend in the world.

Hands stroked along your back, soft shushing sounds as the god attempted to soothe you in the ways he knew how. Soft touches, kind truths. “Many don’t. But it happens - life happens anyways. All you can do is find the things that make it less painful.”

“That’s not enough, it still hurts. I can’t stand it.” The sobs wracking your body didn’t stop the entity from holding you.

“I know, and I’m sorry.”

——

He’s patient and kind.

Surprising for a god who’s work involves collecting souls as if they were taxes. A job that should be bitter and tiresome, but the entity has infinite softness resting inside of him.

He walks with you, as you get “better“.

You watch him stop to marvel at flowers, to study the way dew drips from trees in little drops, eyes wide and wondering as crows startle from their perches and take off with noisy weeping.

This courtyard is drab and brown, a prison. Safe.

Yet the god of death treats the space gently, with respect. He thanks the old walls for standing, the worn stones beneath your feet. Their service is noted and appreciated. He’s so tender it almost makes you sick.

But you come to realize that he’s simply allowing himself to be vulnerable, to experience the earth and the beings in it.

For as soon as one recognizes vulnerability, which is so different from weakness or tragedy, one experiences a sense of tenderness. Without tenderness, pleasure means nothing. You need only look at the animals to see the truth of that. It is gentleness that distinguishes their playing from the actions they constantly take to ensure their survival.

You ask why he walks with you, why he is so focused on seeing you get “better“.

A soft smile, a meeting of eyes. “There is an end to your pain, sometime and somewhere. It’s most likely not here, not in this place at least-“ and he looks around, at the cold walls, the other sick patients, the staff. All human.

“-It will come. But for now, it’s enough to try and seek it out ourselves.”

You must look more sick than you really are, talking to thin air like that.

——-

Once you return home, the red god writes you letters.

He’s an old soul, an old god. You’re sure if you asked, he’d be able to recount the very first souls he reaped, a man and a woman, sinful and sweet but in love.

The letters help you get out of bed. What new stories or little quips the god has written pique your curiosity, even when you don’t want to move, don’t want to be awake or alive.

He tells you stories about certain souls, how each one is infinitely interesting, how they all interconnect. How some of them struggle against him, however fruitlessly. But he’s not the one who brought about their death, he’s there to comfort and guide.

Other souls, (“souls like yours” he writes) welcome him, run to his arms like a long lost lover. Their death was terrifying by their own hand, and it hurt. He can’t take away that pain, those memories. The red god says he wishes those souls find peace wherever he must take them afterwards, or at least, some form of contentment.

“The meaning of life is to give life meaning, at least, that’s what seems to be the consensus.” You rip off that part of the letter, hang it on your wall by your bed. The other letters you keep in your nightstand, content with the knowledge that there are souls out there like you

It’s hard work, creating meaning for yourself.

The red god takes to visiting you between each letter, says he misses you, the way your soul cries. He tells you that he wishes he could help you quiet it, quiet that raging, terrible storm that hurls you about.

You make him cookies - it’s the only way you know how to say thank you. It’s what your mother taught you, so it may not be right, but the god eats them nonetheless. He likes it when you eat with him, feeding you bites from his cookie, wiping chocolate off of your nose, making you laugh with stupid jokes and a mouth stuffed full of cookies.

Even if some of them are too crunchy, or others too soft, all of them imperfect.

Imperfection is the essence of humanity, he tells you, and it’s more fun eating each cookie with the thought that you’re devouring your imperfections, making yourself whole again, filling up the empty spaces in your soul.

——

Eventually, the crawl back to your feet, rise with the unsteadiness of a toddler. You fall frequently, cry often, but you’re able to get up and try again.

Some days you need to bury yourself in sadness, let yourself feel and feel and hurt. Other days are not so bad, but still tinged with regret and fear and sadness.

The red god is by your side, gives you something to cling to when you waver.

He is always there.

He will be there when you meet your end.

The god is in no hurry.

You question why he wastes his time on you, hours spent reassuring you, talking to you, tucking you in your bed and leaving glasses of water on your nightstand before taking his leave.

Home is a feeling, not a place. Home is with you - that’s what he tells you. You take his breath away, even though he might not even need to breath because he’s the god of death. HIs thoughts muddle and he trips over his feet and can’t help himself from wanting to hold you.

You learn that even gods yearn for home.

He’s capable of feelings and emotions just like any other human. He may be wiser, and older, able to draw from experience and a deep well of wisdom. But he still feels, and feels deeply.

Just as he gives the earth around him such reverence, he extends that same attitude when he deals with you.

“Everything I see reminds me of you. When I wake and the sun creeps over the mountains, hesitant, it reminds me of the way that you rise - haltingly, yet it happens nonetheless. The flowers in the field that so steadily grow, you’re like ground they take root in, soft and unstable yet still tenable with the potential for growth. I don’t know, I haven’t exactly held such closeness with a human-“

He trails off, but you think you understand.

Maybe you don’t. It’s hard to relate to a god.

——

A confession occurs, and you’re surprised to learn that the blood-red god of death is in love.

“What did my hands do before they held yours? What did my heart do without all of this love? I can’t hold enough of you, I carry such love for you in my heart.”

With a frail, hopeless human nonetheless.

You don’t know what to tell him, how to explain that you can barely take care of yourself right now, meet your own needs.

But the red god seems to know, seems to understand the way your breath hitches and your eyes widen. One more hug, squeezed tight to his chest while he promises nothing has to change.

Things do change, even if you wish them not to. The world doesn’t bow to your whims, nor the death-god’s.

Innocent touches, his hand on your shoulder, patting your head, offering to rub out the tension in your back after you’ve had a crushing day - they don’t feel so innocent anymore.

The constant survellience still seemed kind, and you knew it was with your best intentions in mind that the god hovered so close, invading every aspect of your life.

But a creeping tendril of unease took hold, and you worried.

Everywhere you turned, he would be there, ready to support you, walk you through anything you wished.

Again, you questioned his commitment. Why? Why you?

“I can’t explain how fond of you I’ve grown. How heat blossomed in my chest as we grew closer. There’s infinite things I wish to say to you, ways for me to express my-my love, but I’ll just let you live.”

He neither killed you nor let you live.

Was it frightening? Maybe. But you had nothing to really live for, lost, searching for your own meaning in a big big world, floundering in an endless sea of sadness and suffering. You weren’t afraid of anything the god could, or would, do to you.

Until you woke up, not knowing where you were, in pitch black.

Arms encircling your shoulders, a soft body beneath your own, holding you tightly, a hand caressing your cheek.

A sun rose, on a strange new land, on the blood-red god gazing at you.

“There seemed to be so much more time for you. But accidents happen, Drivers drink and hearts give out. I was expecting you to grow old, for us to live and love like that, see how you grew through life.”

He looked around this new world, and you vaguely remember what had come before. A walk along the sidewalk, blaring horns, impact, blood.

“But this will be just as nice. You can stay here with me now. Life can’t cause you anymore pain.”

You don’t feel comforted by those words. There’s no way for you to know whether this new world would be better than the one you left behind.

#kirishima #Kirishima Eijirou #kirishima x reader #kirishima imagine #bnha kirishima #kirishima x you #yandere #Yandere kirishima #tw.death #tw.suicide

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