#how come it's full of struggles

[heymacy]

IAN GALLAGHER + his journey with bipolar disorder

╰┈➤ “At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of." - Carrie Fisher

#happy world bipolar day to all my bp babies #(more thoughts at the end of the tags) #shameless #shamelessnet #shamelessedit #ian gallagher #cameron monaghan #*macygifs #bipolar disorder #hello pals how are we doin #i made this gif set in july of 2023 and never posted it because 1) i was terrified to share it and potentially see Bad Takes in the tags #and 2) because my hyperfixation was waning. and while both of those things are still mostly true (the fixation comes and goes) #i feel like it's really important to share as ian's bipolar storyline was not only so vital to his character it was a bit of representation #that isn't often given to the disorder and those (like myself) who live with it every single day #world bipolar day is a day where we can both celebrate ourselves and our resilience and also raise awareness of the reality of the disorder #which is both terrifying and beautiful at its core. this disease is not a death sentence or a sentence to an unfulfilled and miserable life #while there are challenges galore when it comes to balancing life with this disorder it IS possible to live a full and productive life #and i think it's really important to have representation of that in media - and while shameless dropped the ball on a LOT of storylines #over the years THIS is the one they really fucking nailed and i am incredibly grateful #i first started watching shameless while in the midst of a major depressive episode and i was later (finally) diagnosed during an extended #hypo/manic episode - this show and ian's storyline got me through so much and made me feel so seen and validated in my struggles #world bipolar day is also vincent van gogh's birthday (happy birthday buddy) who was posthumously diagnosed with bipolar disorder #and who experienced both depressive and hypo/manic episodes during his lifetime (and was regularly institutionalized) #it takes a lot of help and support to keep us going. it takes the support of our family and friends and *most* of all #it takes patience and kindness and understanding - which is so so so easy to give if you are willing to love and listen #so please. be willing. listen to our stories. be patient with us. show us love without conditions. support us in any way you can. #we are worth it #i promise #anyway. that's really all i wanted to say. happy world bipolar day to those who celebrate (me) and may all of us living with this disorder #go on to live happy fulfilling beautiful magical lives

[chirpsythismorning]

Some of the evidence supporting Mike not being in love with El is brutal. No, but seriously.

In s3, when El's leg is injured, instead of Mike putting his arm around her waist, allowing him to take some of the weight off her injured leg, he puts his arm around her shoulder, basically having the exact opposite affect of taking the weight off of her, instead just adding more weight for her to have to carry.

Now, I’m not coming at Mike here, I’m actually coming at the writers, because this choice here has everything to do with them using this gesture to signal Mike’s lack of feelings for El, even at the expense of realism.

I say this bc any person with common sense, including Finn and everyone around him and Millie filming these shots, would've known it looked unnatural for Mike to be adding more weight onto El as opposed to taking some off of her.

This means that what Mike did here, Finn was directed to do, and therefore it was for a specific reason.

And we know they could have easily made the opposite choice, because they show us Max AND Lucas doing it.

See how putting an arm around El's waist looks so much more natural? Because homegirl is injured and clearly needs help taking weight off her leg to qualm some of the pain she's experiencing there, which is why Max and Lucas are shown here doing it the correct way.

And so, why can't Mike do the same? Why are the writers making a point to show Mike being incapable of simply taking some weight off of El, instead doing the exact opposite?

I don't think it's as deep as Mike not being able to do something intimate, and that's bc, again we see Max and Lucas doing it.

I honestly think what they're trying to convey with this choice here, is that Mike thinks he's helping El, when he is in fact doing the opposite despite his best efforts. The implications of that and how that sort of aligns with their romantic relationship and what it leads to at the end of s3, going into s4, is pretty spot on.

I do think Mike thinks he's doing the right thing by being with El instead of voicing any doubts at the end of s3, because he is under the assumption that she is in love with him. I do think he believes he is indebted to her and that this is the least he can do after everything they've been through together, which has mostly been riddled with romantic pressures and so continuing that instead of disputing it seems like the only option anyways. Not to mention, he does care for her deeply, so it's not hard to imagine that he's a teenage boy confusing deep care for love (he literally tells us this is his problem when he can only say care and not love to El's face... but that's a whole other conversation).

Still, when it's all said and done, Mike's not actually doing El any favors by being with her romantically, if that is not what he truly wants.

Because that's the sad truth about all of this, which is that you would never want someone to be with you just because you want them. If you knew that they truly couldn't have those feelings for you, you'd want to know, right? You don't deserve someone just because you have deep feelings for them. And I think there's so many layers to this idea, bc many people are capable of not giving Byler a chance bc they truly believe Mike could never return Will's feelings. Will also feels this way atp, so though it hurts, he rips the band aid off, because he would never want Mike to be with him just out of pity or something. No one would want that. And so it all really comes down to who Mike truly loves romantically and wants to be with. And the right thing to do, even if it hurts someone, is to be honest, because being with them just bc you think that will make them happy is never going to be enough if you aren't truly feeling it, or worse, feel it for someone else.

We see how Mike's inability to be honest with El at the end of s3, leads to a season of Mike feeling deeply insecure and undeserving of the love El has to offer him, and even though he does try, he always comes up short. Despite Mike putting up this front that they are the perfect couple, the details are telling us something is off. And it gives him away.

Another example that I think is very similar to this loaded gesture from Mike to El in s3, is the scene in s4 when they hug in the airport.

Common sense ppl, picture this: You're reuniting with your long distance girlfriend. Then suddenly, she runs up to you, with her arms wide open, and instead of opening your arms wide to embrace her properly, you take the bouquet of flowers you brought her as a gift, and shove them against your chest just as she approaches to hug you, effectively squishing the present you got for her (a pretty delicate present at that) for no reason other than to... what exactly?

Like?? El isn't even squishing the present Mike, she's trying to hug you, dude! Your gf is trying to hug you properly and you threw the gift you got for her in between you so you could throw in a careful! x3??

Again, this has less to do with Mike's thoughts and reasoning behind this gesture in a literal sense, and more to do with the simple fact that this is a narrative choice! Mike is not a real person! There are real people sitting down and writing this and actors are having to do multiple takes to act it out. What feels natural for a situation is going to be what is often chosen 9 times out of 10, because of realism and wanting the audience to see stuff happening that is believable. That 1 time though, when it's not being done the way it would usually be, is usually because there's a specific reason for it.!

So the question really is, not why is Mike doing this, but why are the writers having Mike do this, and what message are they trying to convey about Mike's feelings based on his behavior, in these moments where he's just not capable of committing to El genuinely, one way or another?

#byler #no but most of the gay subtext is just so like... you really didn't have to do all that? #gay subtext at the expense of realism? check #mike thinks he's helping el by not breaking her heart and just being with her despite feelings for will he can't deny #very reminiscent of mike's 'maybe you thought you were helping but you weren't. you hurt me! what you did sucks!' #i do think it would be epic too see that moment come full circle but with el saying it to mike this time #bc i'm sure el would much rather have her heartbroken finding out that mike is incapable of loving her romantically #than to find out he was with her bc he didn't want to hurt her even at the expense of his own happiness #like no one wants to have someone be with them out of pity or obligation #we want someone to love us truly and deeply and genuinely! #we see how much el struggles in s4 bc of all the hints she's getting from mike that he doesn't genuinely love her #bc that's the most important part of a romantic relationship #it being equal #and it didn't feel that way #sure she's gonna be pissed #but she's gonna be more pissed he wasn't just honest #friends don't lie obvs

[moeblob]

In case anyone who follows me forgot or did not know. Good lord I love Saizo and bless him for finally getting an alt and also bless him for being the only reasonable adult once again (in the paralogues). This man suffers so much from the people around him and the fact even his alt isn't a vacation but more stress is really funny to me (and bad for him, sorry buddy).

Saizo Dislikers please leave it at the door I don't wanna hear it. I've read enough rude tags on my art of him to last me a life time. o7

#fe heroes #fe fates #moe talks a lot #not art #i just had to say it because i really do love saizo and i really enjoy how much he just struggles with others being themselves #never forget how mad he got at azama for wanting to abandon mitama in their fates paralogue #never forget saizo had to force that man to go help his daughter #never forget that he did name his kid after him to keep the line going but didnt get mad when his kid was like mmm not now #never forget that some of the kids in the game call their dads Father and it sounds super formal yet his son calls him dad #HES A GOOD MAN JUST TRYING OKAY #also never forget he functionally works as a retainer with his ex #come on how do people still want to slander this man just existing in a world full of .... people...... #also after rereading his supports with asugi yeah the dude jumped to conclusions AND APOLOGIZED after learning he was wrong #and yeah he said the different name asugi was much more different and asugi pointed out yet you still use it #so basically never forget that this man is trying his best to respect his sons wishes and knows to apologize when hes out of line #also never forget hes ticklish

[pluvillion]

College.

this is the first time i've created a render that embodies myself. if you've ever seen me irl, chances are you'll see me in this exact outfit, including the book and the cookie.

now — aside from having myself as inspiration, there are three more things that inspired this render:

1.) neil confirming soap's sweet tooth.

2.) me and a friend's exchange.

3.) and this photo of ryan gosling.

#it's kinda cool seeing myself in that render tbh #i mean #yeah #i was using ryan's photo as reference (even struggling to figure out how to do the background) #but as i went on the more i started seeing myself #that gave me more motivation with the work #have i come full circle? maybe #i still believe soap wears glasses when he's not in the field tho #sfm #source filmmaker #call of duty #modern warfare #modern warfare ii #modern warfare iii #soap #soap mactavish #3d render #fanart #3d fanart

[welcometogrouchland]

It's about like.

Willow fought to be seen as strong, because she is and for a very long time people not only convinced her that she wasn't, but that a lack of strength correlated to a lack of worth. And because of this past of having to prove herself and rediscover who she is and could be, Willow accidentally internalized the idea that others perception of her as strong is conditional on her always succeeding despite the obstacles, always staying in control and on top of things, always being the shoulder to cry on, etc etc.

And to an extent, she was right! Amity (unintentionally and well meaningly) refused to acknowledge willow's strength, leading to her having to prove herself, Boscha takes great pleasure in pointing out the chinks in willow's armour because Boscha feels better about herself when someone else is beneath her and she most often makes Willow that target. These are examples in which someone (correctly) paints Willow as pretending to be strong, but act like if they peeled back that facade, all you'd be left with is weak, half a witch willow. Whereas Hunter and Gus understand that even if you peel back willow's front of strength to see the more vulnerable side of her, there's still a strong foundation that takes little time in getting back into the swing of things once she's let it all out. Willow can be reliable and have debilitating anxiety. She can be whiney and needy and still be brave and powerful. Reliable people need someone to rely on too.

Willow's arc in labyrinth runners meant a lot to me because being consistently told that you are weak and need the help of people who love you but who struggle to understand you and see past their own need to protect you, by those people hit close to home and was incredibly validating to see. Somebody once compared the writing of those interactions to microaggressions, and intentional or not it resonated with me bc of that I think.

And now willow's arc in FTF completes this in a way that's very viscerally satisfying to me. Because proving your worth to people, no matter how successfully you do so, takes such a toll on your own mental well being and self perception. Bottling up your emotions so you don't drag others down is so difficult. And you deserve to cry like a big fucking baby if you've been doing this. Let it out!

For the future is an episode about being seen and heard, so to have Willow be so thoroughly seen and heard not just by the people who understand her best within the show, but also by the writers and consequently the audience is just.

It's what she deserves. And I love her very much

#ramblings of a lunatic #the owl house #toh #willow park #i have art i want to make of herrrrr but i have 27 mental illnesses and am banned from most public spaces #just listen to con man by the tuts and think abt her for me! please!!! #this could've been a huntlow post but i restrained myself. barely. anyway just know that hunter is my fav narrative foil for willow #and that is absolutely the reason I'm so obsessed with them #it's about everyone but you getting to define your own identity and then you saying. actually what if you didn't do that. bitch #and specifically how she helps him w/ this and then it comes full circle and he helps her with this #neither of them can tolerate the other talking bad about themselves and it just so happens that they share the same struggles #so by comforting the person they love it loops back around to being a form of self comfort. self recognition (then love) through the other #anyway. explodes

[sprimps]

(the eyes, chico, they never lie)

#once again this is a whole ass fic in my mind. sighs #this is steves OH in italics moment #listen this is EXTREMELY important: tony cant sing. okay? he cant #he just plays the bass #had a punk rock band when he was younger #but he CANNOT sing aight #like come on he cant be extremely hot + a musician + A GOOD SINGER like thats too much #he cant be perfect #(+ the best mechanic in town) #also hes disgusting hes playing the bass w his hands full of motor oil and stuff. clean up b1tch boy #boo you wh0r3 #sorry i just read a fic where kirk says that to bones and it stuck w me its so funny #me to my dog unprompted at least 5 times a day: boo you wh0r3 #anyway #god i wish. i WISH i could draw comics #i also wish i wasnt lazy as fuck and knew how to animate without struggling 2 make tony WINK in that middle panel #like i know how to animate. in theory. but ive never done it seriously so its way too much effort #like. to animate a whole 4ss painting w colour and stuff.... even something small like a wink............. no way marica #BUT #i am happy w this drawing!!!! thats so crazy!!!!!! STEVE LOOKS GOOD??!!!!!!!!!??!? #please zoom in on that steve. he is HOT. an ADONIS #i peaked #baffled. astounded. bewildered #my art #tony stark #iron man #captain america #steve rogers #stony

[phoenixcatch7]

I know 'person with secret to hide spots other person with secret to hide but doesn't say anything' is like. Thee trope in superhero crossovers, but come on! Some of these guys have been doing this for decades! There's tons of heroes that have gone to pretty extreme lengths to be Completely Imperceptible in civilian life.

Don't you think it's scarier, after all is said and done, to sit there and think I didn't notice a thing? I wouldn't have ever realised? I would never have known? To know that someone you were familiar with - close with, even! - had this whole other personality and skillset and powers and experiences and life just behind the curtain, and they hid it so completely you didn't even see it was there.

'I always knew there was something off' what if you didn't. How world shaking would it be to be so utterly blindsided? To know that this person had somehow learned to so deceptive?

#Strongly inspired by the dp x dc where Danny knows what up IMMEDIATELY or a bat clocks Danny as super suspicious within mins of meeting #Or the amount of reveal fics caused by the hero slipping up in some stupid way and getting themselves doxxed against their will #Like come on!! Full time heroes like superman or batman or Spidey go to great lengths to construct an entirely separate civilian persona! #And yes I know they've had their idiot moments when it comes to their identities but they've kept their secret rock solid for irl DECADES #What's an identity reveal without drama!! Shake it up! Stir the pot! Not a slow and gradual build up of suspicion and stress #But two high speed trains coming at right-angles and the audience is the only one who can see the incoming crash #Twist the knife in if you want. Make it HURT. Make it completely rewrite what they believed. #Short ID reveals are great for this because you can SEE the ripple effects spreading out as the story ends. Just BANG. #But also no ID reveal at all. The main character goes through the story regularly interacting with and developing character right alongside #A hero in hiding and no one is ever the wiser. You're a worker in WE fending off attempts to steal your inventions and Bruce Wayne #Invites you to his office to discuss security and he walks you back to your office when you get nervous about a break in. #You're struggling with school bullies and getting into trouble over your photography hobby and Peter Parker is right there alongside #You complaining about rich kids and fiddling with the outdated finicky lenses you got from the school. #You're a reporter unpicking a mystery scandal and you ask resident tank Clark Kent if he's able to play bodyguard if you go somewhere shady #The reader knows. No one else notices a thing. #And besides focusing on the civilian side is a nice change of pace! Let's see how they manage leading double lives! #What do I even tag this #batman #superman #Marvel #Dcu #spiderman #secret identity #identity reveal #long tags #captain marvel #miraculous ladybug #I know I know #hero and villain

[cleromancy]

sexiest and funniest thing roy harper ever did was look at dick grayson and go i could fix him

#read outsiders 2003. 🔫. #i think one of my fav things about roydick as a ship is the contrast btwn what roy like says and believes about dick vs his actions and how #he behaves with him #like its quite common for ppl in dicks life to put him on a pedestal right and he's used to it and is terrified of letting them down #but Roy who joined the og teen titans team as a full member late never like... looked to dick As A Leader the exact way the others did and+ #he also didnt join the ntt until. i haven't actually reread most of ntt/new titans yet but to my recollection he's there for a hot minute+ #before him and dick have their big blowout fight and he replaces dick as leader so its like #him and dick have a very unique relationship among the titans AND ALL THIS JUST TO SAY #like if you are not dick. and you ask roy how he feels about dick #the word 'perfect' is pretty likely to come up. and this is specifically the guy who is almost constantly challenging dick at every turn #aand fucking. god #roy 'everyone forgets that icarus also flew' harper #fucking setting up the entire outsiders team bc dick was so deep in that depression pit. explicitly that was For Him. that was why he did i #because he saw how much he was struggling. and then the way dick sees the same and tries clumsily but SUCCESSFULLY to return that care #ach. i love them. mfeo. b #dc #text #roydick

[paintingformike]

me trying to explain why i think mike is gay and is aware that he’s not in love with el cause he has feelings for someone else since atleast the end of season 3, but he also doesn’t know the feelings attached to the painting are will’s yet and he was consciously lying in the monologue by trying to follow what will told him in the van (giving el the courage to fight on by emphasizing her abilities as a superhero, something that makes her different and “better” apparently!) cause he thinks that’s the only way to save el...so the painting is a plot device for byler to get together (and mlvn bones cause it made mike misunderstand what el truly needed, leading to his words not being enough for el to win and save max in time) but not in the sense that mike fell in love with will’s feelings for him or the person behind the painting, just that it was used to show who’s always been the right person for mike based on compatibility and understanding and true unconditional love, and for him to realize that things aren’t hopeless and his feelings are requited once he finds out the full truth behind the painting cause without it he would’ve continued forcibly conforming due to societal expectations and pressure, and trapping himself in a loveless relationship because of his fear of losing el and hurting her

#so im finally coming out as a full fledged gay mike truther 🙏 #but there are certain things im not in agreement with when it comes to how gay mike truthers commonly perceive the narrative #like mike figuring out will in the van scene...cause i dont think hes there just yet #hes still too wrapped up in low self worth to ever comprehend that someone loves him the way will does #but i do agree that he’s self aware of his own feelings for will and has been struggling/dealing with it #i think s5 will reveal all his internal conflicts surround it #so i dont think hes gonna have a “feelings realization” in s5 but rather come to terms with/accept said feelings #the reason i believe this is bc if s5 is when he’ll figure out his own feelings #i dont think there would be enough time to depict his internal struggles/conflicts with it #as a lot of people have said...it would look like mike realizes hes in love with will then just #immediately jumps into a relationship with him without any internal struggles in between #i dont think thats what theyre trying to convey storytelling wise #i have more thoughts on why i believe in gay mike now but i still dont know how to piece them together in a coherent analysis yet #maybe i’ll post about it someday but for now take this 👍 #byler #byler analysis

[storytellering]

Love your art and I'm generally curious as to what the appeal of Dante/Vergil is to you? Do you have any hc that you're drawing from or is it just personal preference? I struggle to imagine the right conditions for them to be involved in that way and would like to know what inspires you.

I will premise this by saying, that I’m actually not a MASSIVE fan of just DV for its own sake, if Nero isn’t also included (or like, with the assumption he will, 100%, be included once he’s in the picture). To me it’s kind of a baseline pairing?

As in, I don’t even have to think about it. Of course they’re in love, of course they’re together, of course they’re fucking. It’s almost an afterthought to me, the way the married parent couple of the protagonist in a story inherently are. It doesn’t necessarily interest me by itself, that fact, it’s just a certainty, it just is. I guess, for me, the interest in DV specifically comes more out of what other people make of it, because for me I’m almost always approaching first from the perspective of Nero being there also, haha.

There’s also the fact that I have a lot of hc about just like, the way demons function as a species, I guess. I took a lot of things dmc canon gave me and went like, “alright, time to project this into the most self indulgent, non-human society but humanoid looking species I can think up in my brainhead”. To me a lot of the appeal comes from it being not necessarily a predestined thing as much as like, a biological inevitability - (going to speak in definitives about my own hc from here on, so not making any statement about canon dmc lol) demons mate with their kin, and with whoever deems worthy - and twins from the same litter would inevitably end up being the other’s first partner, their first choice, their other half. In a sense, to me, they’re soulmates - though honestly I prefer to think of it more as two halves of the same soul, following the implications in 3 and the 3 manga that them being twins comes from the spawn of Sparda being too powerful to just be born in one body. That might sound like I’m just saying they’re soulmates in a different way, but not really - to me, if I had to go the soulmate route, Nero would be both of their soulmate - because the two of them make one single soul, and the match to that would be Nero’s.

I kind of just go off of the assumption that they are in love and have been since they were in the womb, you know?

That colors the way I see their every interaction. To me, in their fighting, their squabbles and their feuds, there’s always love at the source. Familial, yes, but romantic and sexual as well - and to me, when I think about them, it’s all one and the same. To love each other like family is to be intwined, is to be mated, is to be a pack and is to be one.

That’s the more deep thoughts I have about it, I have more shallow/surface thoughts (and specifically ship dynamic thoughts about like, what appeals to me about them sexually lol) but if I had to quickly sum it up that’s what I would say, I think. 

#Sorry if this is a bit jumbled/all over the place lol #I actually never really stopped to think about it besides just liking it i guess #Like to me things like dante’s lines to vergil read as flirting the fights read as full of tension #every time I see them fighting I could very easily picture them just stopping mid stab to make out yknow #I guess it also comes down to how much you personally like conflict in a ship #or how much rivalry/fighting reads as charged or tension to you #Plus again the whole demon thing #And in a way also ig I just really like thinking of demon twins as a mating pair #I like them hybrid the best but in that context I do like to hc vergil as super fertile and Dante as near infertile #and them navigating this nature in a sense of like. It’s not what they want out of life. #It’s not what they naturally gravitate towards nor what they would choose if it were up to them. #But its nature and its playing cruel tricks on them #and ig in a way to me that’s a feeling I like to project as a trans allegory #I don’t often veer to making characters trans in a realistic human way bc it hits a bit too close to home #And rather I prefer adding a lot of things that are exactly like being trans but not in a human way #And I think that’s that to me yknow? #Nature + instinct imposing something on you that you have to actively struggle against for the rest of your life #And compensating and making yourself be perceived as who you feel yourself to be despite of it #Yes this is still all about weird demon pseudo omegaverse bullshit no I cannot physically hold myself back from getting into it #asks #vague mpreg allegory/mention #thank you for the question! lots of food for thought lol #spardacest

[isfjmel-phleg]

🙄

#random personal stuff #the stupid p o l i t i c a l picture got unburied and is back in full sight in my coworker's box where I will have to look at it constantly #everytime I look left or get up from my desk or come back to my desk there it will be #I know it's just a dumb picture but it has come to represent a lot of simmering rage with this man's priorities & I am struggling with this #I found out yesterday that my predecessor in this job had issues with this guy over purchase selections #and so did a former distance librarian #who reportedly was told by this man that he believes he's 'doing the Lord's work' in selecting these books #is it the Lord's work to push a certain p o l i t i c a l agenda? these are not religious books #is it the Lord's work to push an opinion of something that is not directly tied to religious teachings? #is it the Lord's work to lie and call a book order a replacement so you can get a book you want without revealing you chose it? #it was suggested recently that I talk with the VP of Academic Affairs about this issue #as something that will need to be kept in mind when hiring the next library director #and I would have to be very careful about how I did it #but I really think I will #I am so tired of this. so tired. #we are supposed to be so much better than this #is it the Lord's work to mock public figures with whom you disagree? #especially about an issue that's not really an issue anymore? #2020 and so forth happened can we please move on now?

[pepprs]

tonight in class we had to pair up w a classmate and talk abt our positionality in doing community engaged work and i got paired w my carpool who is a 50something yr old mom whose kids are slightly older than i am and i told her abt how im bi but my experience of coming out to my family was so damaging that it forever fucked my ability to be vulnerable with ppl / not hesitate in being my true full self even when it has nothing to do w my sexuality and. 🥹🥹🥹🥹 she told me that she recently realized she’s bi too and she hasn’t told anyone yet even her kids and she showed me she’s going to these meetup groups for lesbians and bi women and she showed me all the ebooks she’s reading that are wlw love stories and she told me i need to start doing affirmations and she showed me her journal and all the things she does for self care like buying herself flowers every week just because she can. and i haven’t thought about it too much since she dropped me off at home but its just hitting me now and it kinda makes me want to cry thinking about it. her kindness took my breath away. im not alone!

#purrs #i mean i knew i wasn’t alone but like. to hear this wonderful beam of light of a woman talk abt how she too is figuring out her sexuality #and is shy witb it and struggling just like me… and for her to be so kind like that.. im just overwhelmed by it really. especially this time #of year bc it was just national coming out day which will forever be one of the most painful days of my life lawl 🤑 she doesn’t know the #full story but even for her to be like so firmly passionately like.. how you are treated was wrong. and for her to be IMMEDIATELY vulnerable #like that…. god. i feel kind of weird being more ‘experienced’ than her in some ways like just in terms of being semi-out and knowing that I #like girls for most of my life whereas for her it’s only been in the last few months thst she’s known. but like.. wow!

[possiblytracker]

coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

#cryingcat.png #god i hope tumblr doesnt send out a stupid notifcation to all followers that i posted i dont know what the time limit for that is but augha #here i am tho either way #vent/ #i have missed people the entire time it is very hard to describe how stupid and cowardly it feels knowing i Could come back at any time #but also being utterly paralysed and afraid to do so. like surely i could just suck it up and i Tried but i am so so mentally unwell #i need to work on how fucked up my freeze/flight response to stress is really bad it ruins my life but i am still too unemployd for therapy #so my broke ass just has to deal with unpacking my own shit for 2 months/j #anyway the point is even tho i am getting better somewhat irl ive still been struggling to pluck up the courage to come back online #but i can't keep it up forever and completely shut down just bc it makes my anxiety superficially feel 'safer' #so here i am. feeling slightly less full of dread. bc i at very least owe it to everyone to let you all know im not dead or something idk #and i also owe it to myself to not be miserable on purpose forever!! #now i just have to get everything unmuted and wait for this to post see you on the other side

[thesylverlining]

So, I, Um.... Yeah.

Perchance To Dream

Chapter One: First, The Storm

"There, there, you're all right now," I gently lied, as I lay him down to rest. And then, I told the truth, with all my heart. "And it will be all right. The room is dry, Sherlock. The waters are far, far from you, and they will not enter as long as I am here. Now rest. I will only be a moment." "Promise, John?" he asked, voice still high, faint, brittle. It was my name he'd said, I insisted to myself, most firmly. Mine.

(A fanfiction for Sherlock Holmes: The Awakened; Frogwares videogame series)

#Sherlock Holmes The Awakened #Sherlock Holmes Chapter One #Frogwares Sherlock Holmes #Frogwares Jon #Sherry and Jon #i did this ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY i simply have so mANY TANGLED feelings about Jon in general #and how watson would inevitably FEEL ABOUT HIM. #this GUY from sherlock's past who HAS HIS NAME and sherlock CRIES OUT TO #...no he doesn't know the Truth About Jon yet but he uh. will. #it'll be okay i promise but OH GOD i am ALL OVER the SERIOUSLY MESSY PTSD and Unhealthy but Ultimately Loving Struggles #they're both trying SO HARD. #all three of them are TRYING SO HARD. #and yeah we're going fULL SHAKESPEARE LEVEL DRAMA. nothing else seemed remotely DRAMA ENOUGH. #and that quote isnt flowery it's METAL when you know what it's about #'what dreams may come' = EVEN IN DEATH WILL YOU BE FREE OF NIGHTMARES? #and that's sherlock's world rn! lolol

[dykeza]

Ichigo being a stay at home dad who works online is so in character for him actually…… he’s the type of dad to enforce 1 hour of no screen time outside playing in the yard and/or playground. He texts Orihime goofy pictures of Kazui jumping around in some water fixture in the local park and carries him home soaked to the bone and shivering with the biggest smile on his face and then they eat ice cream and wait for Orihime to get home so they can have family game night.

#I cannot see how someone can dislike ichihime and their beloved baby boy #they’re so silly!! #honestly I think a lot of it comes from forgetting Ichigo isn’t Just his badassery and trauma and stubbornness #Ichigo is goofy and funny and likes playing games and has shown how genuinely warm and welcomed/welcoming he is around Hime #and a lot of the times when I see posts referencing how Orihime is bad for him or is like… a creep or whatever #I can’t help but notice that it just. doesn’t sound like Ichigo at all #Ichigo Kurosaki is full of love and compassion and he adores everything around him #he loves and honors even the most evil of people and recognizes others struggles even if he can’t relate #there isn’t a single thing about him that conveys this supposed dislike for Orihime or this discontent with his life #Ichigo is like. a happy person #he suffers and he endures so much and he keeps finding new ways to love and understand others #he fights so hard to be happy… so why can’t people except that maybe he is? #at some point you just have to accept that a character can be content #Ichigo is married to Orihime. he works from home. he adores his son and his wife and his family #and like. that’s okay? there doesn’t need to be some deep reason. you don’t need to try and drag even more character out of him #he has enough!!!!!! he has more than enough character to go around!! #please let Ichigo Kurosaki love his wife and his son… and also let Rukia do the same #I know I just now mention her but this tangent is directed towards the Weird ichirukis I see poking around on twt and tumblr #Rukia is happy with her husband!!! she likes Renji!!!! she likes him so much in fact that she married him and had a kid with him #Rukia and Ichigo both are very hardheaded characters and if they’re unhappy with their circumstances THEYLL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT #they’re not scared to be honest with themselves and others anymore!! they’re very vocal about their opinions if you haven’t noticed yet #some of the first things we learn about both of them is that they aren’t scared to speak their mind #I am fucking certain that if they happened to Not Want to end up with their respective spouses they would’ve just. not married them #idk what copium ichirukis that don’t like Renji and/or Orihime are smoking I really don’t #you love these characters so much and yet you discredit one of their most recognizable traits!!! their readiness to DO WHAT THEY WANT!!!!!! #they’ve proven time and time again thag they do whatever they want within reason #there is not a possible universe where either of these characters would sit quietly and let themselves be unhappy for the sake of the others #because they’ve learned. and they’ve grown. and they trust Renji/Orihime enough to understand their decisions becuase it’s in the fucking— #—text how much they respect and trust them to understand their feelings #this ramble is too long I’ve reached 30 tags URASHIN CANON GOODNIHHT AMERICAAAAAAAAAAAA

[realasslesbian]

Personal but: tomorrow I gotta call my neurologist's office and ask them to transfer my medical record to my doctor, so that he can sign off on my disability pension, and I can't wait to hear what excuse I'm going to get for why they cannot perform this basic fucking task. It's gonna be like "actually because we write our medical records on circle-shaped paper we're unable to scan it into normal square-shaped paper format, so that's why we can't transfer your medical record, guess you'll just have to choose between death by seizure or death by starvation uwu". And I know anyone reading this will be thinking I'm just being silly and dramatic and to that I say: tune in tomorrow and find out lmao

#then after that I gotta actually get this doctor to fill out the form correctly #which you would think would be easy for someone with a whole ass medical degree #but everyone always a dumbass around me so BET #and THEN once I've gotten two consecutive people to do their jobs I gotta face the final boss #which is the welfare office #which is notoriously staffed by devoutly malignant dumbasses #looking at the doctor's statement #deciding they don't know better than a doctor #which often they DO decide they know better than a doctor so that ain't a given #and then looking at that in conjunction with my homelessness #and coming to the conclusion that I might in fact struggle to work full-time #and if they still want to force me to do pointless activities to punish me for relying on welfare #that I should at least be referred to a disability employment service #who will be far better equipped to force me to do those things in a way that ain't gonna result in me in an emergency department #so all this gotta line up all these people gotta act right in a row #and I never get people acting right ever #so I have low expectations #but I have over the years grown some humour about this sort of thing so I genuinely can't wait to see how ridiculous this gets #lmao