#despair literal despair. it was actually a very good session too like maybe the best one we ever had probably bc he was on his best

[pepprs]

ok. it’s over. and i am alone in the world 🤑🤸🏻‍♀️

#purrs #despair literal despair. it was actually a very good session too like maybe the best one we ever had probably bc he was on his best #behavior 🙄 we talked about redacted like the whole time and barely about me leaving so i didn’t have an opportunity to tell him he sucks or #to not tell him he sucks and now i feel like an idiot for doing this bc he didn’t suck in that session just now. and i want to cry and cry #bc of how good that was but yet how mad i was a few hours ago and how now i just cut myself off from the counseling place ive been going to #for like 5 years and i actually do not want to take a break from counseling i NEED to be in therapy so genuinely and i don’t know where to g #go that i can afford and that will be local etc etc. and now im alone and i cut myself off from the place and the years of notes and #analysis they have on me. i almost wish it had gone badly so that i wouldn’t feel so regretful rn bc oh my god how am i gonna go without #counseling like….. AUGH. iwshould email him and ask for a referral maybe. does anyone know if that’s ok to do <- could so easily google it #im so sad. like so so so sad. i knew when i stopped being angry i’d feel sad and hurt and like. omgggggg. this is terrible. what have i done

[sweetery-ko]

this blog is the definition of ✨best boys zone✨ can i request for Hajime and Izuru with a s/o who loves attention and physical affection but is too afraid to ask for it?

You get it, anon!! These three are my top favorites of all! Even though 2/3 of these boys are literally the same person, I still love them as an individual (Twin au gang rise up) also I may or may not have a little too much fun on Izuru's part hehe.

Wonderful sprite edit by u/MidDinos by Reddit

CW: Hajime Hinata, Izuru Kamukura, mentions of Ch/aki N/nami, F/yuhiko K/zuryu, a little bit of swearing (classic baby gangsta), very ambigious spoiler(?) for Hajime’s talent, mentions of non-despair!au J/nko En/shima being Izuru’s bestie

Hajime and Izuru with a affection starved S/O that's afraid to ask them for love

Oh no, this is bad. Like, really really bad.

This guy is as dense- scratch that, even more denser than a rock, no matter how much you try your best to not be as subtle, he won’t get it.

That one time you actually got courage to tug at his shirt and hold his forearm, he’ll give you a confused look and used his other hand to hold you back. It was a very awkward few hours and the uncomfortable position is not helping either.

Sometimes, in the most rarest occurrences, Hajime, will begin to think that you often brushing your words off and you never initiate any type of affection unless he does it first is quite odd.

When he asks for cuddle (in his own tsundere way), you put so much effort and dedication to it like it’s your job or something but you never ask for it yourself? very weird.

He decided that it is weird for you to act like that, y’know? So he decided to talk to his friend, Chiaki. Maybe she’ll agree with him too? well, he did got his answer but not in a way he expected.

“You only realize now?”  “Huh?”

Was it that obvious? was his other peers talking about him being oblivious actually true..? or.. could Chiaki could be lying about you being a shy cutiepie to cheer him up because of your talent/because you not having a talent will just embarrass you both? probably.

*Insert Chiaki facepalming here*

Maybe if he goes to his other best friend, Fuyuhiko will say something different? they know each other like the back of their hand so maybe he will spit the real deal?

“Hajime, are you fucking stupid or something? Of course they’re too shy to ask you. They’re not even good at hiding it.” ok fine, he’ll admit defeat.

Hajime gulped a little in nervousness before telling that he doesn’t mind at all if you want to be affectionate and even (subtly) tells you that he’s looking forward to holding hands with you too and etc. Though, I recommend you please do show your affection to him so he would not regret this.

He fortunately got to realize your change your behavior. You’re still a little shy but at least you finally got to finally say what you wanted to say for so long.

Lucky for you, he already knew. He has the ultimate mind reader, ultimate facial expression reader and whatever the hell he has to help him recognize your little struggle.

Izuru wanted to tell you immediately because not only is this a hassle for you but also a hassle for him. He rarely initiates any sort of affection other than mediocre comfort because he's not really knowledgeable on what to do and he's never ever seen couple related activities going on here so... He's clueless despite having vast knowledge.

Also, he's also a very affection starved person as well. Either he doesn't know about it or he's in denial is all up for you to find out, good luck on that.

As soon as he was about to get up from his seat, his quote on quote ‘friend’, Junko Enoshima objected to such ideas, how did she knew his idea? Not sure as well.

She's most definitely was or still is a gyaru, and to be a stereotypical gyaru, she writes corny love stories on her cell phone. She would definitely want to experience or at least view one of her garbage love stories come to life so she commence.. "operation tease a pretend you didn't do anything so s/o will be desperate!!"

"...No."

Welp, there goes Junko's plan gone into useless ashes. He just decided to say the word by calling you to get into his dorm and have a cuddle session while talking about cuddling or general affection.

Man's fully prepared with the blankets, pillows, plushies he got from the gacha machine due to pure luck and the television on just for you, he will never focused for such thing.

As soon as you step foot into his dorm, he immediately pushed you into his bed very softly before plopping himself onto your chest, his hair being an extra blanket for both of you.

"S/O, if you want to touch or want my attention, just ask. There's no one else in the world other than you that I would be giving all my love to as you never bore me. And.. Likewise, I crave for your love." He confessed, not possessing his own words the more he spoke.

Izuru would still prefer it if you asked permission first. Sure, he fully expects your presence and needs but still, he would appreciate it if you asked first.

Hope your luck is high, because even if it's everytime, he would blush a little and sometimes even smile when you talk or touch him, as he loves you dearly.

#danganronpa #danganronpa 2 #danganronpa sdr2 #danganronpa x reader #hajime hinata #hajime hinata x reader #izuru kamukura #izuru kamukura x reader #chiaki nanami #tw chiaki #fuyuhiko kuzuryu #tw fuyuhiko #junko enoshima #non despair junko #tw junko

[kcatta-wodahs]

Trans, Enby, or anything not Cis MC + OM Demon Bros!

TLDR; they all fuckin love you okay you’re wonderful

Lucifer

It happens right away honestly, as he is your introduction to Devildom 

You arrive suddenly in the student council, with no fucking warning, and with a bunch of people who are saying they’re demons. And like yeah okay sorcery obviously exists in your world so we can work with this but

He looks at a file, and states your deadname, and in a fit of bravery or just “i guess im here now” you correct him. 

The silence after that is palpable and every negative emotion you’re feeling as you wait shows up on your face. 

Lucifer only has a slight frown, looking at the paper, and at you, before it clears.

“Oh. Humans. I understand.” He marks something on the paper, and repeats your name. Your real name.

“Should I assume that the pronouns listed are incorrect as well?”

He calls for a RAD uniform that you’re most comfortable with, while Diavolo gushes over “HUMAN!!!”

Okay, cool, you’re hanging with demons now but at least they respect your pronouns? Guess this is your life. Your next question is whether you’re dead lol

So he knows the whole time, but it doesn’t change a thing! He loves you the same.

When you’re closer, he is very to-the-point about caring for you when you’re feeling dysphoric.

He offers you tips, makes sure you maintain your voice training even if you’re embarrassed about it, and always pushes you to express yourself how you want.

Hell maybe they use that princely riches to get you whatever surgeries you might want!

And he will *very clearly* show you how much he likes your body, however it is. 

After all, by the end of the game you belong to him, don’t you?

Mammon

When he's first assigned to be your guardian or whatever in Devildom, he didn't get the memo. 

Didn't read the paperwork, cause he's just like me and puts off homework for way too long.

So he doesn't know these pronouns of yours that Lucifer has fixed in the documentation.

Which means, unfortunately, you have to correct him when he first speaks to Levi about you.

What's funny about it is that he'll complain about LITERALLY EVERYTHING having to do with you and you being a human and UGH he has to take care of a FRAGILE HUMAN

But when you correct the pronouns he doesn't even fucking blink.

You don't even explain.

You just say the correct pronoun after he messes up, and then he repeats you and *continues complaining about you* but this time in the correct pronouns.

This is the first moment out of a million of "hidden endearing things about Mammon" that you will come to learn.

Later, when you're closer, he will always be there to stand up for you and put up a fight if anyone wants to give you shit.

He will defend you to the end of time. 

And he adores you. If he -- The Great Mammon -- adores you, then you must be perfect. So you can tell your stupid human brain to stuff it with the negative talk.

Leviathan

This one is written as AFAB

When you deny wearing the Ruri-chan dress for him, he's sad.

He KNEW you thought he was weird… and his thing for Ruri-chan was weird… and weirddmmm

So, you hesitantly tell him that… no, truly its not because of Ruri-chan

You just.. feel so sick when wearing dresses.

Something in you physically hurts, and you feel so *wrong* when in a situation where you're supposed to act "girly".

And you tell him that you don't really identify as female. You try to avoid that image whenever you can.

Levi is so touched that you would tell him and be honest with him.

He hugs you tightly and then turns beet red.

"D-Does that mean that you m-might.. kabedon… as Henry….?"

Cause he has that costume too and has never told anyone that he def would be seduced by his TSL hero.

You can get behind that one, and seeing how flustered he gets around you being yourself (through Henry?) has your confidence skyrocketing

This makes way to you flirting with ya boi 100% more often to see his adorable face.

Beelzebub

You go with him to work out, which is nothing really new, but this time he's looking at doing endurance training

...by swimming.

You have no idea what to do. 

He didn't think twice about it, either. He didn't assume there would be any problem at all. 

But for some reason your brain decided that his helpful and loving attitude wouldn't extend to this? Brains are silly when scared.

You try not to tear up when he questions why you've frozen in the doorway when he told you his plan.

You have no reason to be ashamed, or fearful, but the suddenness of the moment overwhelms you.

"I can't wear a swimsuit," is what comes out.

He pauses and then just looked vastly confused. He thought humans could swim..? Anyone could wear a swimsuit. You were wearing clothes right? What's the difference?

You wrap your arms around yourself, tryiing to soothe your nerves. "It's.. It shows too much.."

Then he looks you over, causing you to blush further, and he tips his head. "But you look nice."

Well if you weren't blushing before, now you definitely were. But it's not that. You hold your breath.

You try to explain without actually saying it, almost as if the word transgender has been blocked from your internal vocabulary. 

But this babe just insists that you look great no matter what. Is it scars? Like everyone here has scars, it's okay. Weird toes? You should see Belphie's. There's a reason he wears socks all the time. 

That almost makes you giggle, and you use that courage to say that you're trans.

He pauses for just a seond to blink. "Oh... nobody cares about that here."

He pulls you into a hug while you struggle for words. He tells you that you don't have to go swimming if you don't want to.

But he makes sure you know that he thinks you're wonderful. You're strong and brave and amazing. He will fight anyone who makes you feel differently. 

Asmodeus

This one is AMAB

It’s seeing Asmo be unequivocally himself that gives you the courage to do it.

You haven’t even told your human friends yet. Your human family.

You’ve known for ages, but..

Seeing Asmo flounce over to you wearing the most STUNNING evening dress has you weak at the knees, for reasons other than he assumes.

He assumes that you’re wildly in love as you duck your head and try to mumble something through your shaking breaths, and of course, who wouldn’t be?

But when he coaxes you to speak up for him, delight of a whole different kind lights up in his expression.

“Could you… make me as pretty as you?”

Oh, darling, he wouldn’t even need to try.

He dolls you up, hosting a lovely makeover session in his room. What he doesn’t expect is for you to start crying when you look at yourself in the mirror.

Asmo’s unshakeable confidence is shaken. He rushes over to you, trying to brush away tears and learning what’s wrong.

That’s when you tell him what you’d been hiding for so long.

The adoration in his eyes catches you off guard, and he takes your hands lovingly. “Oh, honey..” he mumbles, affectionate and sweet instead of seductive. “What’s your name?”

He takes you out shopping the next day, and is always ready to help you be yourself. 

He makes the switch almost instantly, and calls you the prettiest thing he’s ever seen even when you’re just waking up in the morning and kind of feel like a toad. 

(You blame him for those mornings, though, since he’s the one working so hard to *thoroughly* exhaust you the night before.)

Satan

This one is AFAB

You and Satan have begun meeting rather often for tea. 

It’s even gotten to the point where you’re both perfectly happy to sit in silence around each other. You’ve never been more comfortable.

But today, chaos reigns, and it has decided to make you clumsy today. Not even like, oh “that’s reasonable” clumsy.

No, you were enthralled in your fucking book, and you MISSED. 

Tea, all down your chin and neck, and you hear a snort of derision.

Satan is looking at you, very clearly amused. “Very graceful.”

You huff and puff out your cheeks at him to prevent from blushing. “Shut up. Do you have a towel?”

Looking no less amused, he just pulls a new shirt from the dresser behind him and offers it to you. 

You guys are chill. Good friends. Like. You don’t want to get up to go find a bathroom to change in. Your book is good and like Satan’s not about to be a creep, so you ask if it’s cool if you just change there, and he shrugs in response.

So, you swap shirts quickly, but when you’re dry he’s looking at you curiously.

“You have battle scars.”

You realize that you’d never told him. About your past, or your surgery, and you suddenly feel very self-conscious. 

“It’s- .. Not exactly,” you fumble out, realizing that now, instead of finishing your amazing book, you have to deal with *coming out?* Ughhhhhh. “They’re from a surgery.”

Satan’s eyes don’t leave you. “I’ve read enough about the human world to know what they are,” he said, then he nods to himself. “I didn’t know you’d had such a fight.”

You are either very, very impressed or very, very confused and you really don’t know which to lean towards just yet. 

“I’ve never been in a battle, Satan.”

“You fought to become yourself,” he answered, a small smile tracing his lips. “You never cease to impress me.”

Belphegor

The best part about becoming best friends with Belphie is the snuggle naps. It's the sweetest, calmest thing.

He is a little confused about why you insist on hugging a pillow when you nap with him, though.

He admits, its adorable. When he's big spoon he loves looking at you as you snuggle the big fluffy pillow. 

When he wants to face you, though, he wants to be closer, he doesn't really understand it. He doesn't want to make you uncomfortable but also.. why?

Eventually, he tries to get answers out of you by teasing you about getting closer *intimately*. 

He does expect the blush.

He doesn't expect the look of despair that you hide from him.

He's stunned for a moment before demanding to know why the hell you would look so sad about that.

You try to shake it off, but Belphie's nothing if not persistent and annoying when he wants to be.

He learns that you have been trying really hard for months now to hide your body from him. To keep your personal info private, even while snuggling. 

You didn't know how he would take it, after all. 

What if he got something he wasn't expecting?

Honestly, Belphie sulks after hearing this. He flicks your forehead and glares at you for doubting him. 

But he looks you dead in the eyes and reminds you that you could never convince him you were anything less than perfect.

If you expected him to be disappointed by whatever you hid during snuggles, he would never be. You would never be a disappointment to him.

Your next nap together doesn't feature the pillow between you, which makes your heart feel fit to burst while he snuggles you closer. 

#hhhhh i posted this to the wrong blog at firsttttt #it took me fucking forever to finish this agh #it was so hard to come up with prompts that were unique and fun while not embarassing in any way #or well #not like bad bad embarassing? #i headcanon that all of them are some form of gender fluid or nonbinary anyway so like the demon bros just love you okay #bast babbles #my writing #obey me headcanons #obey me #obey me! #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me beelzebub #obey me asmodeus #obey me satan #obey me belphegor

[brazenautomaton]

Given that you are literally the perfect candidate for this, I request your assistance. In light of recent animu viewings, and upon stumbling across the TVTropes page for Princess the Hopeful, I was inspired to run a few sessions for my boys. However, digging back through your blog, I found a post indicating you had some fairly negative feelings on the system. As I trust your judgment, I would like your input on How To Make Princess Work, whether these suggestions are thematic and/or mechanical.

well I can't be as helpful as you would think because after a certain point the instinctive shame was too much and I can't even bear to read the current version of it so I don't know what to say "don't do this" other than "don't do anything that was Earthscorpion's idea". I asked someone to read it and summarize for me but then they just didn't do that.

and some of it was mechanical stuff you can't change, and probably the most important one was the post about nightmares as the primary environment, which I can't find now because of course I can't and now I am thinking maaaaaybe I never actually detailed it outside of PM?

the primary environment and source of low-level threat is a Nightmare, which is a little sub-reality bubble created by one person's fear and misery, operating under dream logic, where spirit creatures that are manifestations of that person's fears and flaws dwell, and the person is both the prisoner and monarch, exalted and tormented. the nightmare creatures go out into the world and hurt people and try to bring them back in, so that's the first source of monsters of the week. to put a stop to them you need to find the source, the Nightmare itself, and free whoever is trapped inside. the Nightmare reflects their fear and trauma and etc and you need to at least somewhat understand it to free the person, because you need to convince them they can and should leave. also because the nightmare creatures aren't self-aware it's a situation where starting a fight doesn't mean the end of social interaction; some challenges have to be talked through and some have to be fought and maybe you're doing both at once because the talky creatures don't notice or care you're fighting the gibbering monster creatures and you need to get past both to get to the core

yes, there's a lot of Madoka in that, but when Princess was first conceived Madoka didn't exist so it gets to catch up

higher level antagonists use and exploit these Nightmares. Princesses of Tears drive people to this point on purpose because like Kyubey harvests magical girl despair, the energy released by awakening a Nightmare is what keeps the lights on in Alhambra for a little while longer. evil warlocks use them as a source of disposable minions.

things are bad, it is a World of Darkness, because everything is tainted by Darkness. the taint of the Darkness is not Blizzard fel corruption or sinister black mind control oil -- the taint of the Darkness is fear. people do bad things because they are afraid. if an antagonist isn't cackling and unapologetically evil and clearly Okay To Kill, their actions are motivated at some basic level by fear. set them up so they can be redeemed and helped because a Princess is about fighting fear and balming misery. but also that redeeming them will take away most of their evil powers so that the group doesn't just accumulate a larger and larger posse of warlocks to stomp everything.

Dark Magical Girls should always be able to be redeemed. Ignore whatever stupid fucking subsystem EarthScorpion put into Princesses of Storms that kills them if they turn good, whether it's still the stupid organ implants or he changed it to something else. Basically anything that is a unique subsystem just for them was probably EarthScorpion's idea, he was obsessed with them for some reason

give players lots of opportunities to interact with higher-level antagonists before they are in a situation where one of them has to die, so they can get to know the antagonist better.

never imperil a character's civilian-life relationships unless they have fucked up super hard or you have given them ample, ample chances to prevent it from becoming a problem -- you cannot make it so the best idea is to cut yourself off from your friends so they won't be in danger, that's what lonely and isolated and terrified Dark Magical Girls do

the Queens are maternal figures who cannot give advice relevant to the situation on the ground (can't solve problems for you) but help you work them out yourself (they would love to do more but the dream-state they are in makes it hard to operate on anything but dream-logic)

Princesses are not evil, Queens are not evil, there is no "oh no you're so morally grey maybe you're the bad guys" because that is covered by every other WoD game. the darkness level of the game is keyed off of "how much does it matter that you're truly and righteously good guys? will that help you change things?"

this does not preclude them from getting into conflict with other forces who believe themselves to be or truly are motivated by goodness, but play up how that's a tragic thing that people who want to help the world have to fight

I also had a thing where Princesses basically gambled Belief the way Hunters gambled Willpower, to represent getting extremely emotionally invested in what you were doing and the possibility of being spiritually crushed if you try your hardest and fail. this was a way to get fucking super amped up EX modes on your Charms but not knowing how their system works I can't say how to adapt it

one other mechanical thing I wanted was "a Princess is basically invincible if she's devoting all her juice to keep herself safe, but has very little capacity to actually do anything else; the more effective you want to be at actively doing things to the world, the more you have to put yourself out there and risk being harmed" but again don't know how to integrate that into whatever mechanics they have

if I think of anything else I will let you know

#princess the hopeful

[purplerose244]

Thoughts journal Ninjago season 13!!! 🤩🤩 (3/4)

I am enjoying the season A LOT. The reveal has been thrown already, everything seems to be leading towards something special about Rock Mom and I couldn't hope for something better!! I know Lou will be back so I guess a flashback?... I'M SO EXCITED 💕💕

Alright, let's start!!

DUNGEON PARTY!

Side note, we're past the season and no Nexo Knights reference. Me sad, but me not quitting like ninja!! 💪💪

Korgran of METALONIA?!?! WHERE KARLOF COMES FROM!!! Oh you just love to feed me with good throwbacks, now do you Ninjago crew 😍

Plundar the thief, yeah, the attire gives it away although it is nice. And Fungus... huh... well that explains the mushrooms on the hat I guess 😅

Yep, there we go, a party of adventurers, the DnD situation promised 👈👈 He said loot, I saw a 20 faced dice, nice nice

In these recent seasons adventurers just won't like to do adventures for one reason or another, first uncle Powers, now these guys? I mean Ninjago is in danger every freaking time and you risk your life at every step and there's a new formidable villain every like five seconds but... huh... what was my point again?

THE ANIME STYLE IS BACK 😂😂 Oh boy I can tell we're in for a train to crazy town

I'm thinking this dude looks a lot like He-Man... of course he does, the HECK, am I noticing this just now? 😑

I do agree with mister Korgran's father reluctance about talking like that (I saw too many anime characters like that 😂), but Karlof uses the third person too. Either it's common in Metalonia, or there's a general lack of education there 😅 (I LOVE METAL BOY I MISS HIM 🖤🖤)

Talking axe that doesn't talk, nice 😂

Okay... okay, I need a moment

This is too cute. I know her head is a bit too big but LOOK AT THEM 💛🤍💛🤍 Has Chompy never grown?... wait he did got big that one time... okay... okay, never mind

Well that's a pretty nice party, you got your barbarian, your magic user and your rogue. Kinda misses a healer but still... tomorrow I'm doing a DnD session with my friends and I wanna sound like I know stuff 😂

I just noticed that I haven't seen hidden trap doors like that since Chen, the ABC of villains right there my friends 👆

So the King didn't become evil just because of the skull, he actually wished to obtain it and use the dark power. I get that he wants to defend the city but he is basically remorceless about everything else, so he is guilty. Also DRAGON ABUSER 😡

Poor Vania, but she overcame her Skylor situation very quickly. Proud 💛

There we go with the encouragement, you go Rocky!! We have a crazy Skull dude to turn into dust!! 👿👿

Wait, a promise he made a long time ago? Rock mom?

DUNGEON CRAWL!

ROCK MOM!!! YAAAASSS!!! FINALLY SHE'S HERE!!! 🖤🖤🖤

Oh holy FSM, my heart 💔

MY HEART HURTS SO MUCH. Cole as a kid, Lou is back, Rock Mom IS SICK AND WILL DIE, all the drawings, the picture of them together 😭😭

I cannot, freaking, this kid doesn't want his mom to be sick and he's gotten into troubles at school and she wants him to fight and be strong and right and SHE HAS HIS SAME EYEBROWS 😢😢😢😢😢😢

This scene was really heartbreaking, such a genuine situation with a kid that wants her mom to be fine and proud of him 🖤

Just looked at her VA and it's Erin Matthews 🤩 So first I'm counting it as a Nexo Knights reference just because MACY AND ROBIN ❤🖤❤🖤 Second, wasn't "the mom" going to be voiced by Jillian? Is it... is it Maya? Is she coming back? MAYBE NEXT SEASON??? NYA SEASON?!?!? 🤯🤯

Oh, we're moving on? So... so there's still the stuff about Rock Mom's past to uncover, still unsure if she was the one of the blades for the two tribes

PLUNDAR WE DO NOT DISRESPECT COLE INTO THIS HOUSE VANIA MY GIRL YOU ARE SPEAKING FOR ME TOO 💪💪

The connection between Cole and his mom is the earth itself, I'm loving this concept so much. It's true that he never found himself this deep into his element before, the Caves of Despair were mines but never this deep. This really is rock bottom... HECK YEAH

Well Cole...

Welcome to the colored eyes because of elemental power ninja team!! 💚❤🧡 (without counting the forbidden scroll moments) I LOVE WHEN IT HAPPENS!!! I'M GETTING SO PROUD AND EMOTIONAL!!! I'M PROUDOTIONAL!!! 🤯

Aww, Cole saving his son sensei, very nice. They did save each other a lot 🤷‍♀️

This place reminds me a lot of the Fire Temple where Kai got himself into trouble in season 1 but then saved Lloyd, one of my favorite and most memorable episode of the show... I'M TOO NOSTALGIC RIGHT NOW LET'S MOVE ON

NEVER MIND COLE IS TAKING CHARGE LIKE OLD TIMES HE IS FINALLY THE LEADER AGAIN I'M GONNA CRY ROCKY I'M SO HAPPY YOU DESERVE THIS 🖤

Wu's spinjitzu!! Always nice to see it 😊 And yes Adam is a good boy, and for my arachnophobia is a little freaky saying it 😅

Ah, good Plundar, Cole needs all the appreciation of the world because HE IS SUCH A GOOD PERSON AND AMAZING WARRIOR AND I LOVE HIM AAAAAA

This is probably my favorite episode for now, got Rock Mom, got elemental powers, got a lot of Cole in all of his glory: the leader with a clear smart mind able to lead even strangers, with big heart for what's important 👏👏

I feel like this season is giving him glory, I'm curious about how it will end!!

GRIEF-BRINGER

Okay I know it's the name of the dragon... and it gets me a little antsy 😅

Back to the munce! Still doing as good as ever I see! 😅 And lol, you can't blame Nya for not being nice Jay! Although she is kinda best friends with Ronin who double crossed her multiple times... okay, I see your reasoning Bluebell

There we go, Nya making them listen. I honestly could have seen her just grabbing one of them and make them fly through the the room, still cool though 😎

Back to the geckles! Also doing as good as ever! 😅 These little purple guys are so dang cute, seeing my flame babe trying to lead is so PRECIOUS, and even more PRECIOUS is Zane giving him support... and a rock in the face 🤍🤍

Gotta say

I'm more and more fascinated by their culture 😂😂

Aww little Gleck, everything had started with him after all... wait... HER NAME IS LILLY?!?! ROCK MOM HAS A NAME!!! AND SHE IS GILLIE/MILLIE!!! I KNEW IT!!! 🤩🤩

I think I saw the name somewhere, didn't think it was actually her. I always headcanoned her as Gaia, but Lilly is a very sweet name too 💕

It is pretty nice that even though we as viewers didn't know what happened to Lilly, the ninja knew. It's obvious, they've known each other for so long, but still. It feels nice to see this 😊

Oh-oh, Skull dude is up to something... and he said the title 👈👈

Zane keeps being the sweetest thing ever created, le cute dude 🤍🤍 Never thought I'd see Tin Can and Hothead discussing about lies while two slugs race each other...

I don't know if it's the new animation but the armored suits look CRAZY GOOD, the metal and the details are awesome!! I approve the suits of this season 👍

Pff, they are talking down his sister, if he knew they would be literally toasted 🔥

HUG HUG BEAUTIFUL LEGO HUG!!! And she lifts him up, omg the Smith siblings are back and they are so CUTE 😍

Yep, only he can talk down his sister... and possibly be annihilated right after 😅

Oh, the dragon that almost destroyed the two tribes... OH THE DRAGON THAT ALMOST DESTROYED THE TWO TRIBES!!! 😱😱

NO GUYS DON'T LEAVE LLOYD AND ZANE BEHIND, THEY ARE THE MOST PRONE TO SACRIFICE THEMSELVES 😭😱😭😱😭😱

The cringe Kai, the cringe never leaves you alone you beautiful idiot ❤

I cannot believe the animators managed to make Lloyd's LEGO hair swoosh, I must applaude them 👏👏👏 Also POOR BABY ON THE GROUND GIVE HIM A VACATION FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

Well aren't things getting even more complicated 😅 Where is Cole? We need season superstar pronto!

MASTERS NEVER QUIT

Awww, major throwback to the show's most famous motto right in the title! NINJA NEVER QUIT!!! LET'S GO THEN!!! 🤩

The upply team! With the lava beast back... I could easily make comment about how it could be a representation of Cole's feelings since it's LAVA with EARTH and FIRE, and he is running from them... I'M JUST RAMBLING MOVING ON 🖤❤🖤❤

Cole misses the Caves of Despair maybe, he wants to have a round with the carts like in Possession 😂 Was that why he knew it was going to work eventually? That would be histerical, especially since back then they all almost fell into the lava 😅😅

The Heart of the Mountain? Secret temple of the masters of Earth? Possibly hidden in Shintaro? Spinjitzu Burst? Wu, let me ask you this... just in case... is there... perhaps...

IS THERE SOMETHING YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD US??? 😡😡

He is definitely and officially old, only reason why he keeps forgetting to warn people about stuff 😑 I mean, it's not major like with Morro or Aspheera, I guess it's an improvement?... kinda?

So you learn spinjitzu burst if you're surrounded by your element, that sounds pretty awesome! I wonder how it could be with all the others, this can open up kinda like a quest for the true potential but with different places and lots of OP powers and I'M INTO IT 🤩🤩🤩

Okay season, I get it

YOU WANNA MAKE ME CRY 😭😭 I love this aztec vibe, so cool and appropriate she looks STUN 🖤

I didn't expect this much introspection about Cole, I thought it was going to be kinda last minute like with Jay in Prime Empire. I'm so thankful it's not like that, freaking yes. YES. GO COLE BURST OUT!!

... okay, take your time sweetie, no rush. The other ninja are just going to be fried but eh, happens all the time 🤷‍♀️

VANIA MAH GIRL 💕 I understand Wu, I mean the guys kinda learned all they needed already back when they started to train Lloyd. Ever since then, they had been not master and students, but just family. And you always need family, no matter how far you go 🖤

Awwww, Wu! You got your own development too! 👍 So nice to hear "ninja never quit" again, can't be too sure but it's been a while 😍

Let's hope the guys are doing fine resisting while Team Cole arrives 😎😎

#lego ninjago #ninjago #ninjago kai #ninjago cole #ninjago jay #ninjago nya #ninjago lloyd #ninjaho zane #kai smith #nya smith #cole brookstone #jay walker #lloyd montgomery garmadon #lloyd garmadon #zane julien #ninjago wu #ninjago vania #vania #sensei wu #master wu #skull sorcerer #ninjago season 13 #ninjago master of the mountain #ninjago spoilers #spoilers

[saltys-writings]

Hi ! I have a request { got7 reaction when you suddenly come and sit on their lap }♡☁☁

[Got7] Reaction to you suddenly sitting down in their lap

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fluff

Warning: slightly suggestive on some members

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JB:

he’d love it

feels rlly rlly cozy whenever you’re that close to him, because he’d never get tired of being near you

he might not show it that much but it really warms his heart whenever you touch him, especially small, fleeting touches

so when you come sit down in his lap I feel like he’d just roll with it

would defo put his arm around you and hold you, so he can be sure you’re safe and won’t fall

like even he knows it’s unlikely you’ll fall off, but it’s just kind of a reflex

anyway he loves feeling connected to you physically, so he’ll be very happy when you sit in his lap and then he’d just go on with whatever he was doing in the first place

though, if he was about to get up and you’re keeping him from leaving by sitting down on top of him, it can go either of two ways, depending on his mood

if he’s stressed he’ll probably get angry, though he won’t show it for the most part

but he might get impatient while trying to convince you to get off of him

chances are he’ll just pick you up and sit you down elsewhere once he had enough

will make sure to ruffle through your hair and give you a short kiss though, as an apology

or when he’s in a good mood, he’ll just let you have your way with him for a while, probably pretending to be dead underneath you lmao

but no matter what, just remember he can’t ever be mad at you for giving him some physical touch uwu

Mark:

with him it depends on what your relationship is

if you’re good friends, or have been dating for a while, he’ll be much like Jaebeom

very welcoming, making sure to put his arm around you and hold you close

might even lean back and lay your head against his chest

however, will be a flustered baby™ if he happens to have a crush on you

like the moment you sit down in his lap his brain will stop working and he can be seen questioning his whole life over the span of a second or two

plays it cool after that surprisingly well though

however…

the aftermath will look a little different

he’ll be constantly reminded of how much his heart was beating out of his chest when you sat in his lap

and he’ll remember what it was like to have you so close that he could even smell the perfume you were wearing, the shampoo you’re using, etc…

secretly a part of him is hoping you’ll do it again, while another part is too nervous to even think about it

and when it does happen a second time, he’ll be dying all over again

however this time he won’t just let things pass by naturally

chances are he’ll make sure you end up alone with him after that - if you aren’t already alone

and if you don’t make it clear that it was just 100% a friendly gesture right away, then o boi you’re in trouble…

Jackson:

???

what are you doing?

why are you suddenly sitting in his lap?????

will literally be like ???? for a good minute, before he starts laughing awkwardly

“uhm, this feels a little weird you know?”

just keep sitting there, he’ll calm down eventually, and the journey to that point is defo an amusing one

for you, not for him

will be torn between feeling the need to hold you and not to touch you, so he’ll just try to figure out how to give you some stability without making you uncomfortable

his hands will be on your shoulders one second, on your waist the next, and then on your arms right after that

no matter where he ends up touching you, you’ll never be as uncomfortable as he is right then and there

will eventually accept his fate and even feel a little disappointed once you get up

will also be thinking about nothing else for the next two weeks

at some point, when he sees you again, he’ll come round to talking about the incident and eventually come to the conclusion that he wants you to sit in his lap again

will be very awkward while he asks of course

but gain confidence quickly if you say yes and just naturally sit in his lap, maybe even snuggling up to him a little

Jinyoung:

will act surprised when you do it for the first time

but honestly he was just waiting for it

digs it so much

it’ll make him feel like the perfect boyfriend when he knows you’re comfortable in his lap

chances are he’ll ask you to come sit in his lap before you can do it by surprise though

so when you really just throw yourself onto there im kidding pls dont throw yourself he’ll probably just laugh and hold you tight and maybe give you a kiss if you’re in the right position

loves wrapping his arms around you fully and resting his head on your shoulder

also loves placing sweet kisses in your neck and tickling you with them

would spend hours just having you sit in your lap and holding and cuddling you

however if he’s not in a cute cuddly mood chances are - if the surroundings allow it - he will flip your positions, making him the one on top, hovering over you

what follows is most likely a make-out session

possibly even leading to more…

Youngjae:

very flustered the first time you surprise him by sitting in his lap

just like Jackson he’ll be awkward, giggly, and very “????”

calms down quite fast though and maybe holds your hand or smth

it’ll take him a while to get used to this, especially if you haven’t known each other for long

but after a few times he’ll be all about it

really, he loves getting attention from you just as much as he loves giving you attention

so whenever you come sit in his lap he’ll immediately hold you, hug you, and smother you in kisses uwu

likes swaying from side to side when you sit in his lap, and also burying his face in your back or neck

will complain once you get back up

also won’t let go of your hand, in hopes you’ll pity him and come back for “just 5 more minutes”

usually those 5 minutes turn into at least 15

but you can’t be mad at him for that, because he really gives the best, warmest, fluffiest cuddles ever

also loves having you doze off in his lap after a tough day at school or work

Bambam:

flustered as well

what is this?

where is it going?

“Who am I?”

if you listen closely you can actually hear him whisper that under his breath

he’ll be super awkward at first and not know what to do with the situation

you aren’t supposed to sit on top of him like this???

once it becomes clear to him that you really just wanted to be close to him and don’t have any ulterior motives, he relaxes a little

will lightly hold onto you, probably by your waist or hips, and might even rest his chin on your shoulder

but I feel like he wouldn’t be much of a fan of you casually sitting in his lap

if it’s something you like, sure he wouldn’t mind it here and there

but other than that he’d be fine without it

in a less cuddly context he feels differently about it though

I think if you two are starting to flirt or making out, he’d actually find it pretty hot to suddenly have you in his lap, fighting for control a little

so yeah, it all depends on the right timing with him!

Yugyeom:

oh no save this baby

will go through all stages of despair multiple times once you make contact with his lap

when he snaps out of it he’ll just lean over slightly so his face appears in your vision and he will very clearly ask you with just his eyes:

“What the f*ck???”

not in a sense that he doesn’t like it though, he’s just surprised and not used to being so close to you

pls don’t do this in public, he will make a fool of himself

will throw a giggle fit

but will at the same time hold onto you and hide his face behind your back - even when nobody’s around

he really loves it though

will also make you sit sideways, so that he can see your face and lovingly look into your eyes as he rests his chin on your shoulder and holds you tight

boop his nose with yours to make him grin with his whole face

you’re most likely gonna be that overly lovey-dovey couple others secretly want to throw up over for a few minutes

but that’s okay, so long as you two enjoy it

this can also go into an entirely different direction if he’s already in the mood to make out

watch him melt under you as you start kissing him softly and play with his hair

#got7 #got7 reaction #jb #mark #jackson #jinyoung #youngjae #bambam #yugyeom #im jaebeom #mark tuan #jackson wang #park jinyoung #choi youngjae #kim yugyeom #got7 reactions #got7 writing #got7 fluff #fluff #got7 fanfic #got7 imagines #got7 imagine #got7 scenario #got7 scenarios

[koholinthibiscus]

My Tumblr Journey and mental health

What the hell is this?  Where am I? What do I do and how do I do it?

You often hear of people getting to their 30′s and feeling more comfortable in their skin and just owning, accepting and loving themselves.  Well, maybe it’s because I need psychotherapy, and maybe it’s because I’ve come into adulthood in a period with huge economic and political upheaval as well as a pandemic; but I don’t feel that way.  I feel simultaneously old and young.  clueless about young things (like tmblr) and clueless about old things (like mortgages... even though I have one) 

I’ve deleted Facebook and use twitter sparingly these days so the reason joined this site is to purely vent.  To write my thoughts out and send them into the internet ether to languish, probably ignored.  But just getting it out might make all the difference to my physical and mental well being so I’m just going to give it a shot and see where things go. 

I feel terribly alone and isolated.  I have a type of social anxiety that you probably wouldn't notice.  You might just think I’m an idiot or a bitch.  You might barely acknowledge my existence.  I’m pretty average so I may not register.  But when I’m done talking I will think and think and think about it.  How did I come across?  why the fuck did I say that?  You think I’m a fucking idiot don’t you?  I will simply torture myself forever and ever.  And I avoid social interaction, especially with new people, as much as I can.  I can just about manage in a workplace setting but all my energy for this is taken up with that. 

I feel unheard, unseen and unsatisfied.  I feel a lump in my throat and a weight in my chest.  I feel exhausted and headachey most of the time.  I can’t bear this current situation.  I have a visceral hate for my country.  I can’t bear sad news.  I can’t cope with news that implicates humans as ignorant, unsympathetic, inhumane creatures.  I feel deep sadness at the existential threat our planet faces and confusion and sadness when I realise that barely anyone in my real life feels the same urgency and guilt.  I have changed my lifestyle (probably not enough) to try and alleviate the guilt but it hasn’t worked.  

So I get into things to try and distract myself; fandoms, stories, subjects, video games, novels and I feel sad about it because I feel useless “not good at it” or that they’re a waste of time.  I hate myself so much that my hobbies make me sad. How stupid is that?  I’ve recently been getting into DnD during lock down and watching critical role.  I enjoy it but it makes me sooooo sad and jealous that I don’t have a strong friend group like that who can enjoy playing DnD with the same level of fun, ease and camaraderie.  It literally hurts my heart and I’ve been feeling weird for days.  So I’ve tried to make myself better by consuming things.  I’ve bought a new set of dice and bought some unrelated books.  

I skip from one subject or thing to the next feeling unsatisfied and discontent.  I don’t practice things, I don’t finish things.  I give up. And I feel like I’m giving up at life. I am lazy and stupid.  My hobbies, likes and interests feel like a plaster over a gaping wound and was working but it’s not any more. Getting lost in a fantasy world just makes me feel sad I can’t create my own or be with a group of friends, either on line or on person where I can create together. 

I am petrified of parent hood.  I have an amazing 3 year old.  She is a marvel. But I have a constant dread of failing her. Doing too much, doing too little.  I want her to strive for happiness.  Take on hard things, work at things till she’s good at them, whatever it may be.  I honestly don’t care what as long as she enjoys it, has a passion for it and is ultimately happy.  I want to push her, but I don’t want to push her too much.  I worry about sending wrong messages.  I worry about not doing enough with her.  I do not want to bring her up the way that my mother brought me up. I am terrified of repeating the same mistakes. 

I’m ultimately a kind person who is trying their best but can’t unleash my true potential due to depression, anxiety and self-confidence issues.  I get so angry and sad at people who don’t follow the same ideals as me.  which.... isn’t ideal.  I can’t stand TERFs, racists, ableists, misogynists, right wing people, climate change deniers, ignorant people.  I can’t stand it when people think that poor people only have themselves to blame.  I hate capitalism and colonialism.  I want to change the way the world operates even if it is to my detriment as a white CIS English women living in comfort.  I feel trapped in suburbia where nothing changes and no one looks or is different.  

I don’t mean to fetishize certain communities with that statement and I reliaze that it’s probably ignorant of me to suggest that everyone is the same too, given that I struggle to interact with people.  And I’m not suggesting that I’m some sort of special flower  or that ‘I’m not like other women’ (eeww) either, I know there are people out there I would probably get on with but like I say, I struggle.

It frustrates me when people don’t feel the same way politically.  I think that people’s politics are based on their morals so I struggle with conservatives for example.  I don’t understand them or where they come from.  I want things that people need to be owned by the public and free at the point of access, healthcare being the main one and I fear for the future of the NHS.  Yes, even if it means higher taxes (but I obviously want the super rich taxed more) I don’t believe billionaires should exist.  I want universal basic income.  If the human race keeps breeding, if we keep suffering from pandemics, if we progress technologically to the point where mechanization is even more prevalent, we will not need people to have jobs.  We need UBI to level the playing field.  And I want a vegan world.  All of the above makes my head swim with anger and despair.  What type of world will my child have to endure when she gets to my age?  I fucking hope it’s better than this.  I can honestly say that I believe I am on the right side of history with my politics.  It is ultimately about being kind and humane.  But no... I’m probably seen as a soft SJW snowflake keyboard warrior twat by my family (which is why I went off facebook).  Even though I have a masters in Gender studies and a career in social justice work, but sure, I’m just after the ‘internet points’ or want to look ‘woke’.  I feel like not many people truly know me and if they do know all of the above and don’t like what  they see,  I don’t know man, that kills me.  I want people to think well of me. I want people to think I am a good person. 

I could yap on for ages about this honestly but it would make little sense.

I think I wanted to start this as a place to get my feelings down because I am starting a journey of therapy soon.  My sessions should begin in September but I feel the need to get stuff out now.  I’m having a bit of a shit time in my head right now and I felt like I would burst. 

I’m already worried that I will appear stupid and self centered.  There is nothing particularly wrong with my life.  I have a good job that I love but am also petrified of it and of getting it wrong so I self sabotage, worry and don’t believe in my abilities and I’ve been doing that since college.  (I need to un pack how I feel about work and my actions around it, I have a lot of thoughts, maybe for another time) 

I pick the spots on my face till they become angry red welts, I pick the skin around my nails till they get infected and then I hate myself for how I look, even though it was my fault in the first place.  I don’t shower, don’t wash my face, don’t get enough sleep then look in the mirror and see my greasy lank hair, baggy grey eyes and bad skin and I just hate myself.  Is this an analogy for the entirety of my personality? I am my own worst enemy and I need to give myself a fucking break.  Easier said than done. 

Things to unpack in therapy: 

My work 

My politics and how I interact, deal with people who don’t feel the same way as me

My child hood and family dynamics - It’s fucked up y’all. 

My Child

My husband 

My past relationship

The sick thing I do at night when i think about horrible things, like the death of my child for no god damn reason. (Is it punishment?) 

It’s frustrating being so aware of my issues and not feeling able to do anything about it. 

It’s probably an effect of lock down but I have been feeling really bad consistently for a very long period of time now and it’s exhausting.  I always have peaks and troughs, feel great to OK for sometimes a good few months then it just comes down on me like a bag of hammers and I feel like death for 2-4 weeks.  

I’ve been having those hiccups more often and for longer.  I’m so fucking tired man.  A couple of months ago a I had a terrible headache for 4 days, could barely move and felt tearful all the time.  I just thought it was a migraine attack at the time (which I very very rarely have) but I coincided with a particular event that I’m not ready to talk about (It’s really not that juicy it’s quite fucking pathetic actually) and I think it was a major depressive episode. 

I think I’m done now, I’m emotionally exhausted after reading this through and my throat hurts from trying not to cry.  Maybe this is the start of my tumblr journey maybe I’ll delete it all in a few days I don’t know.  I had to try something. 

#mentalhealth depresson anxiety tumblrnovice isthishowhastgaswork?

[apressmangirl]

west ham high 2019 field trip permission slip

basic information

FULL NAME: allison marie pressman MEANING: (allison) truth; (marie) sea of bitterness, rebellion, wished-for child REASONING: her parents just liked the way it sounded with her older sister’s name. cassandra and allison. little did they know she’d end up being... NICKNAME(S): allie PREFERRED NAME(S): allie BIRTH DATE: february 7th, 2002 AGE: 17 ZODIAC: aquarius GENDER: female PRONOUNS: she/her ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: hetero- SEXUAL ORIENTATION: hetero- (though she’s never experimented) NATIONALITY: american ETHNICITY: a jumble of white european ancestors

background

BIRTH PLACE: west ham, ct HOMETOWN: west ham, ct SOCIAL CLASS: upper-middle-class FATHER: jim pressman MOTHER: amanda pressman née eliot SIBLING(S): cassandra pressman BIRTH ORDER: cassandra, then allie PET(S): she used to have a goldfish named, very creatively, goldie. it died on her 11th birthday. OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES: cousins campbell & samuel eliot PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS: none ARRESTS?: none PRISON TIME?: none

occupation & income

SOURCE OF INCOME: sporadic babysitting and dog-walking CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?: can’t complain PAST JOB(S): none SPENDING HABITS: minimal. she doesn’t feel the need to spend much on anything but food. MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: a pearl necklace her grandparents got her for her 16th birthday

skills & abilities

TALENTS: organizational skills, really good listener, articulating ideas/thinking things through SHORTCOMINGS: pretty much anything you have to study, haggling, cooking LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: ASL, english DRIVE?: well, she has her learner’s permit. JUMP-STAR A CAR?: nope. CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?: maybe? she’s never tried. RIDE A BICYCLE?: yes. SWIM?: very well, actually. she swam competitively until high school. PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?: she tried to teach herself guitar once. wasn’t a success. PLAY CHESS?: yes. BRAID HAIR?: of course. TIE A TIE?: definitely not. PICK A LOCK?: no.

physical appearance & characteristics

FACE CLAIM: kathryn newton EYE COLOR: blue HAIR COLOR: blonde HAIR TYPE/STYLE: somewhere between wavy and curly GLASSES/CONTACTS?: neither DOMINANT HAND: right HEIGHT: 5′5 WEIGHT: 127 lbs BUILD: slim, but she carries her weight on her hips EXERCISE HABITS: she ran in gym class. back when they had gym class. and she still keeps up with her swimming even though she’s no longer on a team. SKIN TONE: fair. TATTOOS: none. PEIRCINGS: one in each earlobe. MARKS/SCARS: small scar on her chin where she had to get stitches after a tag accident as a kid, raised but not discolored birthmark on her inner thigh NOTABLE FEATURES: thick eyebrows, button nose, big eyes USUAL EXPRESSION: slightly skeptical, watching everyone around her CLOTHING STYLE: comfortable & practical, but still cute. a variety of sweaters and graphic tees paired with all her many jeans.  JEWELRY: always wearing a gold necklace with a simple star. often a pair of simple stud earrings. ALLERGIES: none. BODY TEMPERATURE: 97.9°, slightly below average & the reason her wardrobe consists of a number of sweaters and long-sleeved shirts DIET: whatever sounds good PHYSICAL AILMENTS: none

psychology

MORAL ALIGNMENT: lawful neutral TEMPERAMENT: melancholic ELEMENT: water MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS: none SOCIABILITY: medium-high. allie enjoys socializing and getting to know new people, she just feels like she already knows everyone in new ham. EMOTIONAL STABILITY: usually pretty levelheaded when it comes to her emotions. it’s hard to really get a reaction out of her other than mild annoyance. PHOBIA(S): the squeaky sound your teeth make when they rub against each other.  ADDICTION(S): none DRUG USE: some weed use. ALCOHOL USE: less than most kids her age. PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: no.

mannerisms

QUIRKS: always wearing her star necklace HOBBIES: bothering her sister, searching spotify for new music, day hikes with grizz, swimming, teatime HABITS: sleeping in past noon, staying up past 2, bouncing her leg when she sits for too long NERVOUS TICKS: biting the inside of her lip, fidgeting her fingers DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS: her sister, her best friend, figuring herself out FEARS: losing her sister, not being enough.  POSITIVE TRAITS: resilient, loyal, lively, observant NEGATIVE TRAITS: explosive, malleable, self-doubting SENSE OF HUMOR: she’s silly & loves to have fun, especially physically. the stupidest stuff can make her laugh. she especially likes a joke made out of an awkward situation. DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?: a little too often, probably. CATCHPHRASE(S): none

favorites

ACTIVITY: jam sessions with her sister ANIMAL: birds, specifically swans BEVERAGE: grapefruit flavored seltzer BOOK: when you reach me by rebecca stead. she had to read it for school in sixth grade and never forgot it. CELEBRITY: kristen bell. COLOR: blue. all shades. DESIGNER: “uhm... i don’t think i know any designers?” FOOD: a baco: soft taco spread with sour cream, wrapped around a hard taco layered in this order: meat, beans, cheese, guacamole, lettuce, tomato, extra cheese. FLOWER: hydrangea GEM: opal HOLIDAY: new year’s eve MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: long car rides MOVIE: the princess bride MUSICAL ARTIST: “i can’t pick just one!” QUOTE/SAYING: “in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of god” - aeschylus (courtesy of grizz) SCENERY: the view of a beach from up high on a cliff SCENT: her favorite tea, earl grey; the smell just after it rains SPORT: swimming SPORTS TEAM: usa olympic swim team TELEVISION SHOW: the vampire diaries WEATHER: thunderstorms VACATION DESTINATION: any beach. literally any one.

attitudes

GREATEST DREAM: to find a purpose or a calling. GREATEST FEAR: losing her sister. MOST AT EASE WHEN: hanging out with cassandra at home, just doing normal mundane things LEAST AT EASE WHEN: asked to make a decision that affects others BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: assistant stage manager on the school play this spring. BIGGEST REGRET: not realizing how much her parents did for her MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: when she was 8, she called harry a “big doofus” in front of all the neighborhood kids and refused to play tag if he was playing too BIGGEST SECRET: that once she wished she was sick instead of cassandra so that she could get a little attention TOP PRIORITIES: her sister

#task01 #push me harder — inspo #newhamhq: task

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Spiritual Log August 9 2019

I was very surprised at the responses to my Lion's Gate 8/8 post, thank you all so much. Sending you all 💖 right now, and maybe later too. Thank you, I hope it served you well. I rarely ever get any note on these posts so I don't know if any of my info transmissions help anybody at all, but lately I guess the messages get received by those most in need, so thank you for the responses. 😊 So anyways... This post is mostly what shifted for me a few hours ago while the portal was still at its peak. For those who haven't done so, no worries, though, the 8/8 lion's gate energies will be active until the 12th, so if you need to cleanse and heal your energetic bodies and systems, you can do more till that day, because the amplified energies can wash away more of the old and icky stuff than regular days. If you want to really do shifts, I suggest doing the clearings from Sunday to Monday, along with your strong intentions of attaining your best and highest vibration. I support you in your higher spiritual evolution goals! 😊

Warning:long post ahead. You have been warned. With 💓😅

OK, so I was gonna post this as soon as it happened but I just finished meditating the Magic Mantra (Ek Ong Kar Sat Gur Prasad) and I didn't wanna ruin the moment or my manifestations so I just treaded and went straight to Reiki healing and listening to subliminal stuff. (You can check out my previous post on July 6 if you're interested in what I am doing at the moment. Intense stuff 😅). The following are the events that lead to what happened this morning as I was using the remaining energies of 8/8.

For the past few days since the Lion's gate portal opened around July 26, I had the strong urge to meditate and clear as much energies from my body as possible. I wasn't watching any video or reading much posts, it was just intuition, so I forgot to post that Lion's gate portal was gonna start opening. Maybe next year I'll post a reminder too. *fingers crossed* The feelings started to flood in, the really intense, horrible pangs of my wounds, mostly the loneliness and abandonment and poverty mindset issues, they came in quite strong, but I just did whatever I can to face them, ask if they were mine and then transmute accordingly (spoiler alert: 50% of the time they weren't, so I just told them to go back to where they came from, with conviction. If they leave ASAP, they're not yours to begin with. Also, congratulations on learning you're an empath, my friend.😆). When I say transmute though, it just means letting them go, either through

Talking them out of your body (if the feelings are not that intense) or

Crying them out, loud and hard, and really feeling the feelings out (if they're persistent AF and apparently they were yours lol)

I wanted to cry them out but I couldn't (because I haven been repressing so much stuff) so I just tried meditating actively (I recommend kundalini yoga for this, the mantra and the limb actions can be a workout, like my arms get sore a lot after these sessions, so yeah, two birds with one stone 😄). I also kept reciting the Mul Mantra till the end of July, as well as listening to subliminals and doing Reiki (I listen to other people's Reiki videos, I channel the energy myself, or just do a combo by channeling Reiki as well as receiving some from other people. I may post something about that later *puts it in reminders along with a zillion stuff lol). I guess the combination of doing a lot of stuff helped me ground better and lets me become an observer to my feelings and emotions, because seriously I just can't deal with low vibes while I'm enjoying my alone time, which weirdly has been getting more and more frequent.

Not that I hate being alone though, but because each time I do fun stuff by myself, and right when I'm really having the fun settle in, a strong wave of loneliness rushes in, and that really makes zero sense. ZERO SENSE, RIGHT?? So either it was my deep wounds of loneliness, neglect, abandonment and rejection that were still lingering in my systems, or I was tuning in to someone else's stuff, albeit strongly. It became annoying AF when I was reviewing my Japanese language lessons and pretty much learning a lot of stuff, when images, visions, smells, sounds, stuff like that kept popping in my head, then the feelings of loneliness, sadness, those things. It was pretty distracting and annoying. It came to a point when I was tired 4 hours after waking up that I finally stood up for myself and said "Whoever *tf* is siphoning my energies, go back to where you came from and stay *tf* away from me!" That really shook me awake, the second I finished hollering it loudly in my head I woke up with a start. I literally became alert, awake, alive, enthusiastic, like wth just happened.

This morning though, around 2AM just when I was halfway through my lessons the strong feelings of despair, sadness, loneliness, and everything else in between came again. The whole thing was so intense, it was actually scary. And it wasn't fear-based too, like I was really trying hard to fend it off but apparently,

The feelings were almost all mine

The energies were tremendously strong

I had a strong urge to flush energies out

I felt I was gonna die if I didn't do it

I had to rush my lessons just to get to it right away. (Thank goodness I still know how to conjugate verbs, or else).

I immediately started meditating like crazy, with a strong intent to release everything that has been preventing me from being my best self. I tuned in, started chanting, and then started doing Reiki, then subliminals before dozing off. Honestly midway through chanting Ek Ong Kar Sat Gur Prasad I was already feeling calm and at ease, the feelings went from a scale of "If I don't do this I'm gonna die" to "Heck yeah I don't mind dying right now" I was around the "Meh" mark, which is not that bad. But really, the feeling of danger really was there, I don't know why, if it's a collective thing because of so many things that have been happening lately, or if I was tuning in to my own darkness and I really had to flush it out. It was a scary AF experience and the fact that it sorta went away was pretty mind-blowing. But I'm not saying I had fun here. Not that diving into spirituality is all fun anyway. The sucky stuff has to appear so these can be released back to Source.

So these were the summed-up experiences of my energy clearings and healings so far. Apart from intense dreams, having broken sleeping patterns, and weird eating habits, I guess this is how my spiritual journey is for me, at this point in time. Honestly I just wanted to go to Mount Fuji but apparently the spiritual gunk that I had to release was just as huge, maybe even higher. *siiiiigh*

Well, I guess this is my partial log for doing my clearings, I may be around the 60-day mark now, but I feel like I havn't done much since I did skip some days due to flu and other stuff. I will still do my best to clear out stuff, the Lion's gate portal may soon end but there are still equinoxes and solstices so there are still many energetic portals coming soon so might as well do the clearings and healings. I may update or I may post other stuff, because I still have some stuff to write here, especially the tough love info transmissions.

Thank you for reaching this part, I hope this post was worth your while. Sending you love and hugs from Source above.

Mikazuki

三日月🌙

P.S. If you have any questions with whatever I posted here, please send a message or comment below. 😊

P.S.S. I may start posting Reiki-infused photos in here, I was inspired to. But still thinking what photos though. Please let me know what you think. 😊 Thank you!

#thought log on spirituality #about meditating on 8/8 #lion's gate portal post #it was weird #lion's gate portal #what happened

[xyliane]

fluff headcanon #519

for @hunterxhell

killua buys a bakery

now, let me preface this by saying that this by no means killua knows how to bake. the boy likes sweets a lot, and he has a little sister who likes sweets just as much, and he wants the sugar. but he’s 16 or 17 and it trying to be a little more spontaneous and do what he wants. when he and alluka are passing through a cute little town, and alluka is dead set on settling down long enough to work on finishing her high school degree for a little while, they see a FOR SALE sign in the window of a suspiciously-recently-closed bakery. killua stares at it for about ten minutes, wishing there were cakes or cupcakes or anything to eat. 

“what if I buy it, and then make all the cake we want,” he says.

it’s a joke. 

mostly. 

but then alluka bet him he wouldn’t do it and killua really need to stop betting his sister on things because she always wins. but then he’s got a deed to an empty bakery that smells like sugar and bread and it might have been a mob front at one point because the last owners left really fast. 

and he has no idea what to do. he hasn’t baked much of anything ever, and even cooking has been a little too literal of a trial by fire for the last few years. even alluka, whose fault this totally is, is waiting for him to figure out what their first step might be.

so he calls gon. gon laughs (whoa killua that’s huge I thought you only wanted to eat frosting not sell it! --shut UP gon) and puts mito on the phone. mito does her best to not laugh and walks killua through baking cookies. they come out...okay, but nothing like mito’s. killua despairs, but he and alluka eat the entire batch of 124 chocolate chip cookies in a single hour, so it’s not too much despair.

a quick stock of the back room reveals that 1: they have enough for...well, for something at least. lots of flour and sugar and eggs, piled this way; 2: whoever was here last, either thought recipes were for losers or burnt all their books along with something that smells like formaldehyde; and 3: this was absolutely a mob bakery, but it was a bakery as much as a front. killua only finds three bags of poison and half a dozen guns, plus lots of illicit notes buried in couch cushions upstairs and a miserable excuse for a cipher carved into the table. it’s kind of sad, really. kurapika would find this laughable.

the neighbors across the street also try to poison him the next morning while alluka’s buying all the books she can find about baking and high school calculus. it’s kind of nice, really, that they think to try. whatever the last owners had done had really pissed off the locals. 

he and alluka try baking. they try remaking the cookies mito had walked them through, and they mostly succeed at making cupcakes, at least until alluka dumps too much powdered sugar into the industrial mixer while trying to make frosting, and they end up with the entire kitchen coated in a thin white powder. kanmuru doesn’t help either, instead whipping up storms of sugar that turn alluka’s black hair as white as killua’s and the kitchen into even more of a disaster than before. also it turns out it’s really easy to make buttercream that’s too sweet even for a pair of zoldycks, no matter what the fancy cookbooks say.

(he calls gon again. it’s rare that they’re in something close to the same timezone these days, only separated by an ocean rather than most of the known world. gon laughs, but good-naturedly, and promises to ask the bakers on whale island how to make taro tapioca. killua reminds him that there isn’t any taro root here, but it's nice.)

the ladies across the street, tatin and madeleine, turn out to be pretty nice, once they figure out killua really isn’t working for the mob. tatin will occasionally slip something into his morning coffee, but neither she or madeleine try anything with alluka. killua appreciates that, and brings them an attempt at a cake as well as the bags of arsenic he found in the ceiling. 

it’s another few weeks of failed attempts that killua finally caves and calls palm. gon’s always been better at coaxing advice out of her, but maybe the best cook he knows would have some good advice. instead, she chews him out for about an hour and a half until his phone dies. he stopped listening after the first ten minutes and half-dozen threats on his capacity to bake at all, because frankly she’s on the other side of the continent, and if she’s not going to give him helpful advice, then it’s not worth paying attention. so he misses it when she promises to show up at his doorstep, and also misses when alluka sends palm their address. 

killua’s trying to make bread--it’s just yeast, right, and warm water, and punching something, but he keeps screwing up how much of what, and why do you need sugar???--when palm storms through the front door, carrying more duffel bags than anyone should be able to that clatter with all manner of loud metal objects, and declares the whole place a mess.

killua swears at her, and she throws a knife at his head from somewhere. but then she hugs him, cackling when he bristles with electricity, so it wasn’t really meant to kill him.

it’s good to see her again.

palm all but commandeers the kitchen, going through stock and reorganizing the shelves, adding all the various objects she’d brought with her. some killua recognizes, mostly different types of cakepans he’d seen in alluka’s books, but then palm starts talking about the differences between handmixing and stand mixers and industrial mixers and killua has learned how to kill people in more ways than he can count, can name most of the political leaders in the world and all the weaknesses in their security circa five years ago, and he has no idea what palm’s talking about.

she sighs and shows him how to chop things properly with knives or sharp nails. it’s surprisingly useful.

(gon is predictably delighted, and demands killua put palm on the phone. they end up talking about some chicken dish gon’s trying to learn, and killua extracts a promise from one of them to feed him whatever this is at some point.)

it takes palm almost no time to teach alluka how to make a decent genoise, in between cram sessions and signing up for tests. killua has more trouble. it’s not so much that he doesn’t have the attention span, it’s that he keeps cracking the oven to see when anything’s done, or he overthinks, or he and alluka eat all of the cookie batter before it can go into the oven. he does turn out to have an eye--a taste?--for getting buttercream and king’s icing right, balancing different flavors and parts sugar to butter, and even color mixing, when he’s not trying to eat his body weight in pastries. palm loudly smacks away both zoldyck teenagers, who have very little pain tolerance and even less when it comes to melting chocolate.

killua does eventually get the sponge right before they run out of the stores of stuff the mob bakers had left behind. alluka cheers so loud that not only do tatin and madeleine come over, but so does flahn from the bookstore and canele from the restaurant with the checkered tables and the really good spaghetti. 

when killua asks palm if she wants to take over baking for the bakery, so they can actually sell things and not just waste money and time. she laughs--the loud, cackling, evil-sounding thing that means she’s delighted. of course she says yes. but of course she also makes sure that killua will keep helping.

of course he says yes.

(he and palm and alluka send gon and mito a care package full of cookies and brownies that killua made, so they aren’t as well-made or pretty as palm’s. but gon sends back a container full of sweets made of coconut and taro, and killua’s never had anything quite as good either.)

anyways kurapika stops by later with melody and tatin and madeleine bring out machetes and guns so fast that killua has to use kanmuru to keep them from murdering his friends, or from his friends murdering his neighbors. they all have a lovely meal afterwards, and tatin only tries to put a little hemlock in the coffee.

#hunter x hunter #hxh #hxh headcanons #this spiralled real far out of control real quick #killua zoldyck #alluka zoldyck #palm siberia #gon freecss #food #I love baking and you know what I love french pastries

[itsbenedict]

No Driver’s License: Session 41

No Driver’s License is a Madoka Magica game I’m running for five players, using a homebrew of Yaruki Zero’s Magical Burst system. It follows five magical girls as they deal with an upheaval in the world’s magic system caused by some strange new three-eyed Incubators. They have to figure out what’s going on, who to trust, and how to put a stop to the cycle of despair.

I post session logs and omakes weekly sporadically, both as a reference for the players and for anyone who wants to follow along with the party’s misadventures.

[adventure log- read from the beginning]

[session 40]

Last time, the party dealt with that one witch that’d been burning a hole in their pocket for ages. It was a lot of consecutive witch fights, but ultimately it wasn’t too big of a deal- what with their numbers and their access to overpowered magic items, they managed to make Sokoko a lot less murderously insane.

So... that’s pretty much it for rogue magical girls menacing the players! With all the relevant immediate threats dealt with, it’s time to decide what needs to be done about the long-term situation. To that end, everyone meets up in Sakura’s aunt’s apartment to discuss plans for the future, and for also maybe hacking magic itself.

(Pictured: the last big crisis rearing its head)

So, Sakura managed to convince Tama-chan it was worth trying to fix magic again, sort of. She’s still a little fuzzy on the specifics of the plan.

Tama-chan’s big question is... what do they all actually want to do to magic? What should the new system actually be, once it’s been “fixed”?

Tama-chan defends the “lobotomy” thing, on the basis that purifying a track isn’t a side-effect, but rather something she deliberately added. Apparently, having all potential suffering across multiple timelines concentrated into your brain such that it causes an uncontrolled expression of magical anguish known as a wish... is not something that leaves you mentally healthy afterwards. Being able to feel the emotion that’s been witched on... is super horrible, so the numbing patch allows you to remain functional.

Sakura’s next idea is to point out that, hey, there’s loads of suffering out there in the world that isn’t being captured and used for power generation. Why don’t they just collect that instead of only focusing on magical girls?

Basically, the suffering of magical girls exceeds that of... the normal suffering of everyone, ever. There’s a lot of potential timelines in which you suffer! Like, more than millions, more than billions! Even if they could perfectly capture ambient grief, it would be kind of a drop in the bucket.

In order to meet quotas, producing more total suffering than would happen naturally is sort of unavoidable. The question is- who suffers, and how? Who do you pick to power Omelas, when you can’t walk away from it?

Tama-chan points out that she sort of... tried this, and that it really didn’t go over very well. The less she says about what happened in America, the better. It apparently went bad enough that a mass brainwashing campaign was necessary. 

A bunch of different ideas are floated as to how to spread it around a little, reduce the burden on magical girls in particular by expanding the contract pool to more people. Unfortunately...

Parceling it out over time was sort of the whole idea of what Tama-chan did in the first place, despite the glitches involved. The question of directly experiencing the witching, though... that’s a good one. Sure, someone has to experience suffering to harvest grief, but who says the source of the suffering needs to be the medium for the suffering?

Then... Sakura has a terrifying, brilliant, or brilliantly terrifying idea.

So- shit, wow, the plan is to take demons- semi-conscious expressions of the Devil’s being- and make them experience suffering for us? If you love suffering so much, why don’t you marry it? That’s... a ballsy move.

Well, Yukari, you don’t have to be such a Negative Nancy all the time! Maybe it’ll work!

There’s a lot of risky ideas flying around- Tama-chan gets a little anxious about the idea of doing this much hacking to the system again, considering how she got burned last time.

What, the one who refuses to inhabit her old human body and prefers to be a cute cat and insists on being referred to as Tama-chan, trans? Where’d you get that idea?

Anyway, this plan they’re going with is very risky. And what do we do when something is very risky?

So... Yukari does this, and it’s pretty much what she expects, with an extra helping of vaporwave mindfuck in her brain to get across how outside of the norm this course of action is. 

Also, when you reach into the future to measure the odds as they pertain to the Devil, a creature very much of the odds of the future, you sometimes, uh, draw its attention, especially on a crit.

The Devil is concerned about these plans to do big risky things that could negatively impact the odds of Madoka existing, and the team fails to coordinate their lies about whether they are planning to do a big risky thing.

Ibara tries to salvage the situation by framing it as reducing risk- surely, IBARA in the Hell Engine is a volatile situation, right? They need to deal with that right away!

...Which might’ve worked, if Homura weren’t capable of seeing how likely something is to affect the probability of Madoka existing, especially parts of her own Devilhood. She says it’s fine.

The Devil only cares about a single thing, and Ibara is not that thing.

Her Heart roll on this attempt to convince her, unfortunately, is very low.

So- side effects of recruiting the literal Devil, inhuman final boss who is the source of all magical suffering: sometimes she is not nice! The best she’ll offer is to just kill the IBARA demon, and put it out of its misery. She says some very intimidating things and attempts to make everyone understand that it’s her way or the highway.

(Not that this is necessarily true- she’s not actually all-powerful, her only real influence is her ordinary magical girl powers plus the ability to flee the timeline and turn off grief power entirely. She’d only do that if they really fucked it up, instead of just threatening to do that.)

The party starts asking some questions about the specifics of her relationship to IBARA and the demons. Does she feel the pain that they do?

The answer is “hypothetically, if she was paying attention to that tiny fraction of her universe-spanning being”. Typically, she ignores most of it.

Other questions are floated, such as what her favorite sweets are.

Sakura offers some delicious candy to the Devil, which she, uh... 

Sakura’s extremely clever and completely intentional gambit to gross out the Devil until she disappears to avoid the social awkwardness of the situation succeeds flawlessly.

With that... the energy to discuss magic-altering plans dies down a little. There’s too much that can go wrong for them to rush into it, so it’s looking like they’ll be biding their time and waiting to be done with the Devil before doing any magic hacker heisting.

As they’re wrapping up, though... crisis strikes!

And the crisis is...

Ibara rolls great on that, so...

Next time on No Driver’s License... which is to say, the very last time on No Driver’s License: we’ll be wrapping up! All the big exciting disasters are resolved, so now we’re going to be using an alternate ruleset to fast-forward over the next few years of their lives, and see how things end up for them. It’s epilogue time!

#no driver's license

[carmenlire]

Higher than the Big Trees

read on ao3

“Shit, shit, shit,” Magnus mutters as he hears his alarm going off through the fog of sleep.

He’s in bed, covers tucked up to his chin, head very firmly under the pillow that can’t quite muffle the chorus to Stir Fry. Magnus raises his head from underneath the pillows and it only takes him three tries to turn off his phone screen, a minor miracle considering he’s the polar opposite of a morning person.

He lays there for a minute, thinking over the past twenty-four hours. He’d had a run in with the Alec Lightwood.

Alexander.

Well, two actually, Magnus muses. While it had only been a second, they’d almost bumped into each other at Uptown Java yesterday morning.

Even if Magnus wasn’t an ardent fan of Lightwood’s and followed him on all major social media, he’s have known the singer was back in town by Luke’s countenance alone. Magnus has been frequenting the coffee shop in Soho for years and there’s always a little extra pep in Luke’s step when he hears from the man who might as well be his son. When Alec is in town, Luke is simply over the moon. It's adorable.

Magnus has picked up all manner of little tidbits about the Lightwood siblings throughout the years and meeting the man in question had only piqued his interest further. Magnus knew Alec was a stunning specimen, but nothing had prepared him for seeing him in person. Even if Alexander had looked like he was recovering from a three day bender, nothing could mask the sheer beauty of the man. It was just as well that he’d walked out of Uptown Java yesterday without a second glance because Magnus had found himself tongue-tied in a way he never had before.

So imagine his surprise and delight when none other than Lightwood had ducked into a dingy diner last night, looking far too good in a denim button-up and ripped skinny jeans that showed off his body to advantage.

Let’s be real, he could wear a paper sack and make it couture.

Magnus had been drinking far too many cups of coffee and grading papers that were frankly mediocre, despairing over the future of academia, when he’d glanced up and almost swallowed his tongue.

He’d played it cool and just offered a little smile when their eyes had met, but he couldn’t resist stopping by Alec’s table on his way out the door. It had surprised him that Alec could hold a conversation, if he was being honest. With any other person who possessed such good looks and seemed to revel in their playboy image, Magnus would have dismissed them as all fluff, no substance.

Maybe he’s a little judge-y, but he has the world experience to back it up.

But the two of them had sat in that little hole-in-the-wall diner for hours in a cracked vinyl booth-- in an alarming shade of red-- and talked about everything from Germany’s pop culture in the early twentieth century to how incredible of a show Brooklyn Nine Nine was and Magnus hadn’t been bored. He’d been on the edge of his seat, enthralled with the man sitting across from him who liked vanilla milkshakes and had a penchant for blushing.

While it had pained him a little to leave, it had been almost three in the morning and Magnus was apparently cursed to have Friday morning classes until he died of Early Worm Syndrome.

Magnus couldn’t find it in himself to regret last night-- this morning?-- though. It was six o’clock now and he’d managed a lousy two and a half hours of sleep, but now that the fog of the dreamless was receding, he was energized. Apparently, Alexander gave everyone a pep in their step.

Magnus stood up from bed, getting ready for the day. He showered using his signature sandalwood products and decided on one of his Victorian-inspired outfits. He might have gone a little dramatic on the makeup, but he’d never met a highlighter that didn’t suit him and he was partial to that shade of gold eyeliner.

Leaving the house with exactly eight minutes to spare, Magnus reflected wryly that he needed to meet celebrities more often-- maybe then he wouldn’t be perpetually running out of the house exactly two minutes behind schedule.

Having left his briefcase and jacket in his office, Magnus strolls along the path that leads to his class’ building, stopping to get a large macchiato, with an extra shot of espresso, on the way. While still early, especially by student’s standards, there are still a fair number of people outside. Some are rushing to class while others have already claimed their spots for the day, studying on blankets in the grass and under huge trees that will be a lifesaver once the heat hits in a few hours. There’s a girl riding a skateboard and the clacking of wheels over cement cracks accompanies the chirping of birds. It’s damn near idyllic and Magnus takes a sip of his coffee and let’s Columbia sink into his bones for the thousandth time since he first accepted his teaching position.

Magnus has been teaching full time for five years, with the last year doubling as professor and chair of the history department. Before that, he dabbled in student teaching while getting his undergrad and Ph.D. at Stanford and Oxford, respectively. He’s the youngest Chair in Columbia’s history and was insufferable about the promotion for weeks. He’s only twenty-nine but he’s decades older in terms of career projection. It’s a heady feeling that hasn’t dissipated, even after almost a year.

A few students greet him as they walk past and Magnus smiles, catching up with a few who he’ll see early next week in his senior-level seminar. Magnus’s reputation in the history department, in fact on campus in general, precedes him. It's stellar. He takes great pride in being one of the most well-liked professors at Columbia and works hard to maintain his outstanding reputation. That means learning all of his students’ names, being a dynamic, attentive, and sharp professor, and always being willing to go the extra mile for students who need it-- and who put in the work to warrant it.

Magnus walks into class and it’s already buzzing. A few people throw out, “hey Professor Bane,” and he smiles and acknowledges them before setting his coffee down-- after one last sip-- and logging into the computer. He catches snippets of conversation, most of which revolve around their projected midterm grades, and Magnus laughs to himself and raises a brow as he overhears a wild tale about a keg, a boy, and a misplaced thong.

Some things never change.

Students continue to file in and exactly on time, Magnus begins class.

He walks over to the front of the room with the stack of midterms in hand.

He raises a brow, asking, “Wanting these are we?”

Everyone nods, some in resignation and some in anticipation.

Handing them back alphabetically, Magnus reviews the essays. “Overall, I was impressed with your midterms. As freshman, you are just starting to acquaint yourselves with college-level work and, for the most part, were successful. I’ve written in a few of your blue books to come see me during my office hours. If you earned less than a seventy percent, I do want to urge you to drop by. We’ll discuss your exam in more detail and hopefully hammer out what went awry this round.

“For those wondering, there’s no curve. The highest grade was a ninety-four and the lowest-- well. No need to disclose the lowest score,” Magnus continues with a cheeky grin.

“While grading these, it looks like there was some confusion on France’s role leading up to the WWI. I want to briefly review that and answer any questions you all might have before we move on to the next section in the syllabus. Any questions?”

“Remember, if you got under a seventy percent on the midterm, come see me! My office hours are Tuesdays and Thursdays noon to three. If that doesn’t work out, email me and we’ll figure out a time together. Have a good weekend,” Magnus calls out to the students packing up and already leaving, no doubt tuning his voice out as soon as he called an end to class.

The class has a capacity of thirty and twenty-one showed up this morning. Not terrible for Friday at eight in the morning, Magnus reflects and swallows the last of his now-cold macchiato.

He throws the cup in the garbage, and turns around to see a handful of students lingering, obviously aiming to talk to him before he leaves. He meets with all of them, speaking for a few minutes about questions over the lecture or clarifying comments on the midterm. Once it’s just him in the classroom, he picks up the few exams from students who had skipped and walks down the doorway and out into the New York sunshine.

Campus is definitely more lively now that’s it’s approaching midmorning and Magnus glances at his watch.

Only two more classes, a few student sessions, and a department meeting to go and then he’s done until Monday morning. Thank God. Magnus loves his job with all his heart, but he's tired as shit. Those two hours of sleep are catching up to him. He needs more caffeine or he's definitely going to fall asleep, listening to one of the junior professors ramble on a tangent for forty-five minutes about a topic that literally no one else in the department cares about. It's exhausting on the best of days and Magnus doesn't have the patience he usually possesses in spades to deal with imbecilic colleagues.

Magnus sits down at a cozy table and grabs a menu, quickly scanning through it. While this place is usually too busy to catch a table during lunch hours, most students try their best to get off campus and forget that they're even in college once Thursday night rolls around. The campus’ lunch hot spot, Basil's Cafe, is deserted this afternoon. It's just him, a student that looks either on the brink of discovery or abject failure, and a mother with two kids who are enthusiastically painting their table with ketchup.

Magnus can see the waitress walking over in his peripheral when a man flings himself down in the chair opposite him, looking broody even at a distance in his all black ensemble. At least it's designer, Magnus thinks, equal parts amused and curious as what could have warranted such a reaction.

“College students are stupid. All of them. They’re in college and don’t even know how to conjugate gustar? How the hell did they even get accepted into Columbia. Idiotas,” one of Magnus’s reluctantly favorite people mutters. Magnus just lazily looks up, pleasant expression pasted onto his face.

“Beats me, dear. At least your students know that Barack Obama was the president last year and not during the Treaty of Versailles in 1919.”

Raphael throws him a commiserating look before they’re both laughing. Magnus truly loves teaching, but damn if some of his students just don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.

“I take it your midterms didn’t go well?”

Raphael scowls. “No. They didn’t. They had to write a short story in Spanish and someone wrote the Spot the Dog story.” He looks at Magnus, unimpressed. “You know the one. ‘Spot likes to play. Spot likes the color red.' I felt like a toddler and they still managed to have a grammatical mistake in almost every sentence.”

Magnus arches a brow. “Considering you’re the best Spanish linguist we have, things are dire indeed for our country's future.”

“They’re freshmen but they look twelve. When did we get so old,” Raphael sighs.

“Darling, speak for yourself. I’m a youthful twenty-nine and still feel like I’m twenty.”

Raphael doesn’t deign to reply and the waitress comes over a minute later to take their orders.

As she’s walking away, Raphael leans forward and gives Magnus a onceover. “What’s with you?”

Magnus just looks at him, expressionless. “Whatever do you mean?”

“You’re. . . glowing,” Raphael says in distaste.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You’ve let me talk about how irritating my students can be with only minimal accusations about my teaching ability. You’re going easy on me and I want to know why.”

Magnus looks affronted, glaring at Raphael. “I’m sorry, just because I’m a good friend and let you rant suddenly means I’ve experienced a change of personality? Et tu, Brute?”

Raphael scoffs. “Oh, shut it. What is it? Did you get lucky last night?”

Magnus’s glare deepens. “No, I did not get lucky last night. I’m not the average teenage boy who’s only joy in life comes from sex.”

Raphael looks at him with narrowed eyes. “I’ve listened to you bemoan your life all week since you couldn’t go to Lightwood’s concert. You’ve been in a pit of despair and while it was disgusting to watch, this about-face is even more so.”

Magnus is quiet for a minute while he thinks. He could tell Raphael that he ran into Alec last night and the man wouldn’t tell a soul. But something about that diner interaction strikes Magnus as private and he’s not ready to let anyone else in about his midnight conversation.

He hums. “Well, I graded the freshmen’s exams and with the Obama exception, they all did moderately well. That must have boosted my spirits.”

Raphael mutters, “Whatever,” and their food arrives.

They eat mostly in silence, with the occasional observation or update. Thankfully, there are no more interrogations and the two go their separate ways with a promise to meet up Monday, same time, same place.

Magnus makes it through his afternoon, only rolling his eyes-- discretely of course-- half a dozen times during his departmental meeting. He will never understand why the administration schedules meetings to cover what could be mentioned in an email. In the footnote of an email. It’s a waste of time and leaves everyone annoyed.

He goes back to his office, leaving the door open, and sits down behind his desk. He’s sipping a tumbler of water and thinking about taking a break to mess around on his phone for a bit when someone knocks on his door.

Looking up, he smiles as a student hovers in the doorway.

“Julia, hello. How are you?”

Julia shyly smiles and takes a few hesitant steps into his office. “I’m okay, Dr. Bane. I just had a few questions about the exam you handed back today?”

Magnus keeps the smile on his face and gestures for her to take a seat in one of the chairs facing him. Julia is an excellent student but she’s painfully shy. He wants to make her feel as comfortable as possible as they discuss the midterm-- she’d received a sixty-three percent and he knows she can do better.

They spend the next forty five minutes going over her paper and she asks dozens of questions, from lecture notes to grading clarifications and Magnus is a little taken aback by her enthusiasm and quickness of learning. Reflecting as Julia takes a minute to write down an explanation he’d just given, Magnus knows he shouldn’t be surprised. Because she’s so shy, she refuses to ask any questions during class and so she got a little behind in material. But she’s intelligent as hell and now they have a game plan.

They set up a standing appointment every Friday afternoon for the rest of the semester to go over any questions she might have from the week’s class and Julia looks happier than he’s ever seen her. She leaves his office all smiles, and Magnus sits back in his chair, congratulating himself on a job well done. He finishes his work day answering emails and going over his outline for next week before he calls it a day.

Throwing on his jacket and sliding a few folders in his briefcase, Magnus leaves campus. The sun is still shining and his walk home is uneventful, for the most part. A woman dressed in a smart suit with peep-toe Louboutins if he's not mistaken--and he never is-- catches his eye at a crosswalk and smiles, obviously sending an invitation that Magnus turns down with a little internal sigh. He walks past her and barely feels a tinge of regret. He just wasn't into her, open invitation notwithstanding. It’s been awhile since he’s been in a relationship and even longer since he had a one night stand. The promotion has wreaked havoc with his social life and he knows he needs to get back on that horse soon.

He misses sex. He misses the intimacy that comes not just from mutual orgasms, but by living with someone every day and learning their little quirks that make them so interesting and irresistible.

All of a sudden, an image of hazel eyes that glint with wicked wit and are set in a devilishly handsome face pops into his mind and he laughs a little, rueful. Down boy, he thinks. The chances of him ever meeting Alec again are rare. It had been a minor miracle that they’d ran into each other not once, but twice, yesterday. He’s not so lucky that a spontaneous meeting would happen a third time. Fate is not his friend and he doesn't see that changing anytime soon.

He puts Alexander in a little compartment, shuts it up tight, and continues his walk home.

#HttBT #my writing #malec #malec fic #malec fic rec #I wrote in Magnus's POV for an entire chapter! #I hope this isn't awful lol #HTTBT tag

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

I really just want to express that I think a lot of people don't really understand what depression is. Depression isn't just sad. This is one thing that I can assure you as I've been dealing with it for years. this is not some come and go type of feeling. Depression is something like a really bad entity waiting for you to slip up and get sad and sadness is the segway to being buried in depression(hell) for some people, sadness will happen in their life and then they can bounce out of it. But people with depression or, this is my experience now, but people with depression get tripped up by sadness and they stay there for hours days or weeks or months or years and it comes in pockets throughout these time periods and from my experience the week-long and month-long pockets of sadness can be very dangerous, as a lot of times during these pockets of sadness a lot of bad dangerous thoughts come to my head. I think this is one thing that a lot of people don't understand and come on I mean like who wants to be sad? Like think about it this is not something that somebody is doing just to be that way. At least for me I don't want to be sad all the time! I feel like this is a really crippling disease, I feel like this is something that nobody should ever be dealing with and enjoying it! So when people say that people are doing it for attention or to be coddled or whatever it is absolutely upsetting to hear. This is something that I wish that nobody ever has to go through , it is absolutely terrible. I mean this is something that is taking away from valuable lifetime! Depression takes away time from having the chance to meet people to do music or whatever your passion is. It takes away from time that you could be making great connections and moving forward in life. I don't know if I've said this yet but it is a really damaging thing to deal with. And not to be funny I'm typing this as I go so I don't remember if I've expressed this yet but, depression causes great strain on the brain so much strain in fact that it causes memory loss short term memory loss in particular. which is crazy because we want to forget all the bad that happened a long time ago but it seems to stick around in our minds and continues to torture us yet we can't remember things that just happened minutes or seconds ago. I mean it's almost like a really bad joke! it really feels like life is having its way with you! feelings like this can drive anyone insane! I mean I would do anything absolutely anything to escape the way I feel and have felt for years. Even if it means dying. like I really want to find the right person to talk to so I can feel safe with my issues because a lot of therapists do not make you feel safe A lot of times as a teenager I talked to a therapist and it never helped. I mean I will admit it felt good to get things off of my chest and off of my mind that bothered me, but it never solved the root issue. The only thing that those sessions led to we're me having to go on meds or either me lying and saying I was okay just so I wouldn't have to take meds as the meds made the depression worse even turning the depression into intense suicidal episodes that have either left my body damaged and / or probably even changed my mental into something worse as sometimes I remember doing drastic things to hurt myself that I would say I believe definitely changed me both mentally and physically. fortunately none of it led to major damage to where I still have a functioning brain in a manner that I can communicate well through typing (sometimes depending on how bad the depression is). I mean sometimes the episodes get so bad to where I can't find myself to speak and I will shut down and not talk to anybody for days or weeks. so when somebody says, " oh you're just sad you'll get over it" they clearly don't have an understanding of what depression is. it's far more dangerous than just sadness! depression even carries things along with it to the point where when you do climb out of an episode feeling okay you can bet that other issues have arrived with its

presence. unfortunately for me really bad anxiety and terrible OCD have developed as a result of the depression which still hasn't gone away. when these month-long week-long pockets of depression occur, imagine them being like at the bottom of a roller coaster, you're still on a fast-track to Danger but you're literally down at the moment but the high spikes and twists and turns is the suicide the anxiety and the OCD. it's all a part of the same scary ride just different and all very dangerous and their own way. nobody wants to be upset for days and weeks and months on end which spans over Year's worth of Lifetime. no normal human being would want to feel this way I can't imagine that! what I and anyone else dealing with this for that matter, really want is just to be happy and the fight to get to happiness has been a struggle. and I mean pure happiness life isn't perfect I get it but I can't recollect not even a time over the past decade or so where I was straight just happy for weeks at a time or even just chill. like nobody's just going to smile for two weeks straight, that's unrealistic and if they are they're not really happy I can assure you because when I was working at my last job, I was the overly happy individual with the high-pitched voice and smiling all the time. I know I wasn't happy! So anyone doing this can't be happy they're just faking it to get through the day which is what I was doing! that was absolutely exhausting because I will come home and I will crash as if I had been carrying a big weight around with me all day and stepping into my apartment and locking the door finally felt like a big weight was being lifted off of my shoulder. this in my eyes is mental distress this in my eyes is bad mental health a smooth transition from work to home should be normal. but no! I would come home and crash I would literally not take a shower I will plop on my couch with my dirty work clothes on which is why I was glad I had an inflatable couch instead of a real couch all the time that even affected me because I never wanted to sit on the inflatable couch after a while as I knew it had accumulated so much dirt. I mean the couch didn't look dirty but I know in my mind that I had come home multiple times exhausted from work and had plopped down on that couch! so in my mind the couch was dirty! so I didn't want to sit on it any longer. so I was forced to sit in a computer chair that I had in my kitchen in my small one bedroom apartment. it's more than just laziness, I mean I worked all day carrying this mental weight waiting for the day to end, and then when it will finally end I would definitely drive home get into my apartment make sure I lock the door and plopped down into that chair in my kitchen I was too exhausted to take my shoes off and I was too exhausted to change out of my work clothes so I will fall asleep between the time I got home from work which was around 5 or 6 a clock and I will wake up around 8 or 9 and decide to cook something while still in work clothes. I will eat then fall asleep in that chair a lot of times even crying while it was so lonely in that apartment while the circulating floating intrusive thoughts like suicide and dangerous random things happening to me or my loved ones would float through my head! it was like I could never get a break in actuality! it was either me thinking about the bad that happened at work that day, or either me thinking about horrible scenarios where I meet my demise, or either me worrying about my loved ones! I mean I could not get a break no matter what I did and it has been that way for years. pockets of Happiness do we exist where they come in great spikes but they don't last long and then I come plummeting down like a building and demolition, I literally just fall apart to the point where I find it hard to imagine functioning normal again. Hobbies become obsolete like music and art, the desire to live really becomes questionable and then not only that you start to juggle the thoughts in your mind of " oh what will my family think if I kill myself" "

will they think I'm selfish" " no I need to stay here for my loved ones"

and all of these types of thoughts pop in your head what you want to leave behind for what family member if you do die and sometimes the thought doesn't even occur sometimes you're so set on killing yourself that you do something that damages your body and then your mortality steps in and shocks you with fear and pain and then you picture your mother and father and close family members crying after they have lost you. these intrusive and very Vivid thoughts and visions of your family crying about the thought of you being gone pops into your head leaving you helpless and and crying in the middle of your bed or the middle of your floor with you not knowing what to do! you then pull yourself up after however long the episode was, you either leave the blood or clean the blood up that you have left behind from trying to kill yourself or take the belt from around your neck, and then you climb back into the unsure pattern that you were in before of working and coming home feeling the same way as you did before. it is a vicious cycle of never ending chaotic despair..

So when someone says oh you're just sad, you then realize or atleast start to feel that that person is having a much better and blissful life than you are. you begin to either think this person is not a deep thinker or just doesn't deal with these type of things or either that person was dealt the best hand or either arrogance carries them through life comfortably or maybe you start to really feel that you deserve to be mentally distraut and depressed all the time, and you start to lose it again and then eventually go home and hurt yourself badly again. it is a dangerous cycle it's a stressful cycle therapist only prescribe you medicines that make it worse so you stop going to therapy you stop taking medicine and then you get bullied between anxiety OCD and big bad depression and they toss you around like they do pizza dough at a pizza parlor... I'm not just sad, it's way more to it. I really do love my family and I hope they see this and understand that im not like this because I want to be. I am like this because I don't know how to just BE..Im lost.

[dragonracer]

Suicide and Mental Health

This is a very long post. Warning you in advance. But it's a topic that's heavy on my heart and it needs to be heard.

I don't usually discuss serious issues on social media because serious issues almost always devolve into political issues, which then devolve into incoherent screeching from both sides in an effort to see who can out-screech the other, at which point there is no longer a conversation and instead just a gigantic stressor added to your life.

But this topic is important to me and with yet another big suicide showing up all over my timeline and newsfeeds, I just need to say it. To put it out there in the world. Even though it will not change a damn thing and will simply be me screaming into the empty void. But it needs to be said: not only does the healthcare system in this country absolutely suck, the mental healthcare situation is even worse.

I lost my mother to suicide five years ago. It occurred from a mix of her own despair and failed systems. She was full-time caregiving for her parents because professional assistance was too expensive. My father was laid off due to company downsizing during a down economy and struggled to find employment, which meant he and Mom survived on unemployment and, when that ran out, got by on what remained of their savings, credit cards, and whatever assistance could be had by friends and family.

Which also meant no healthcare and no anti-depressants. Considering Mom had been diagnosed with clinical depression from a fairly early age, she needed them. My Dad's industry experienced a lot of fluctuation when I was growing up, so he had to endure many lay-offs (never his fault) and find new businesses in his field of profession, and those in-between times meant no health insurance. And even at a young age, I recognized Mom with her medication and without her medication.

Towards the end, she began to swing more and more wildly in her moods than ever before. I suspect more mentally was going on than just lack of anti-depressants, but I'll never truly know. And she had no access to help - be it physical or mental - because this country simply doesn't care about that... or if you're seeking free or discounted assistance, then you must be a deadbeat who is taking advantage of the system, just another hungry welfare mouth to feed (oh, hi, the start of my talk on stigmas as well).

I did my best to try and play "free counselor" with her over the phone every day. But I was ill-equipped to handle that sort of burden. I have no professional training in counseling or psychology.

And I DO NOT handle conflict well. At all. Mom suffered incredibly bad self-esteem issues. Which translated into not being able to really disagree with or argue with her without it being interpreted as a personal insult. I love my Mom. I always will. But it's only looking back on my childhood now over 30 years later that I realize I went through some level of psychological abuse. Totally unintentionally on her part, I know in my heart of hearts. She couldn't help it. And most of the time, Mom bled unconditional love. But when she was upset, the guilt trip to be had was a sight to behold. The very last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her, and so I grew up a life of walking on eggshells. Being careful with what I said. Often not expressing my own thoughts or opinions if they might conflict with hers. Dad has no fault in this whatsoever because he was living it, too, and trying to do much the same as me.

Anyone who knows me well has seen the effects of this. I don't talk out loud much. Even in family settings or coworker lunches, when everyone is sharing stories like normal people, I'm more comfortable being the quiet listener. And as soon as there is any conflict, I get extremely uncomfortable. It's why I avoid politics - raised voices make me uneasy, hell, I start feeling stressed just READING political threads, so I avoid them. And anytime I end up unintentionally in an argument or am fussed at for something, tears start. Like a damn child. But I literally cannot help it. I have spent my entire life trying at every turn to either avoid or de-escalate conflict... and it goes back to a childhood of trying to keep my mother on an even keel.

So, trying to calm her down from the ledge almost every day near the end was draining. So draining. And there was no help I could give her, no services I could really point her to for help at the time. I (stupidly) did not think she would actually go through with suicide because she had talked about it off and on my whole life. And you know what "they say" - if someone says it a lot, they're just seeking attention. Well, "they" are incorrect. At that point, what I SHOULD have done was had her Baker-Acted, but there's that whole fear of conflict again... I knew they'd throw her in a pen for three days and then she'd be right back out with NO HELP and then super-pissed off at me for doing that to her. Like, relationship-ending levels of pissed. That was my fear. Irrevocably ruining our otherwise very tight and very loving (if flawed in ways) mother-daughter relationship. So, I didn't. Because I feared the potential conflict. It is something I will regret my entire life... because had I tried that, at least I could then say "I did everything I possibly could". But I didn't.

It reached a point where I was so mentally and emotionally shaken by all this that in our final confrontation (online at the time), I refused to answer my phone when she called. The only time I never answered her. I called it tough love at the time. Something I had never tried with anyone because... again... me and conflict, cannot deal.

About an hour later, she ended her life.

After the hazy days of shock and the memorial service, I was losing my mind with grief, guilt, and anger. I was angry at her. Angry at God. Angry at the lack of help and services that could have potentially prevented all this. And I absolutely HATED myself. I held no greater anger than at my inability to have saved her, for not answering the phone and trying (as I'd successfully done so many times before). It didn't matter that my brain logically understood I was not at fault; my heart was broken, and that's all I could feel.

I looked online for grief support groups. There wasn't really anything locally that was either a) active or b) wasn't during work hours. But I HAD to talk to someone. Someone professional. Someone who had no previous ties or connection to me or my situation. I needed an outsider's perspective to keep the guilt from eating me alive. I saw a listing for a suicide grief support group at inconvenient times at Haven Hospice and drove out there. A very sweet counselor there admitted their group would be ill-equipped to help me - it was intended for people "further down the grief road", not freshly-introduced like me - but she let me talk and vent in her office and she offered as much support as she could, bless her, and told me to see if my workplace offered any services.

So, I did. Our ad director at the time handed me a little card with a hotline associated with our healthcare insurance agency. I explained my situation and they set me up with a counselor for a free six-week session. That is, sadly, the only positive thing this entire system provided.

I visited this counselor once a week for six weeks. She was... somewhat helpful, somewhat not. I don't feel like we were a very good fit at all, but she was the only one our emergency hotline plan would send me to. And ironically enough, that's all she took from them... for long-term, she didn't accept the insurance company my workplace uses and so if I wanted to continue my sessions past the six free weeks, I would have to pay in full out of pocket. Which was gonna be roughly $200 weekly that I didn't really have extra to spend.

After six weeks, I was cut loose. Because you totally move right past suicide survivor trauma in just six weeks, right? Ha. Haha.

I looked online for ANY counselor that might accept our insurance. I needed help. More importantly, I recognized that and wanted the help. I ignored the stigma that goes along with people seeking out a counselor or psychologist/psychiatrist. The stigma of being viewed as either crazy or weak. The stigma that exists for mental situations, but not physical... nobody views you oddly or as being weak for seeing a doctor when you're sick or injured, but if you're suffering something mentally?

I found very few who even accepted insurance at all, and none who took ours, and without the extra $800 a month to spend on my mental health out-of-pocket, I simply endured. I had no choice. I found an online forum for suicide survivors and that helped a little bit for a while. But as time moved on, I had to leave. Seeing the newly grief-stricken day after day merely reopened raw wounds and I could find no healing there, only other lost souls who couldn't find professional help and desperately turned to strangers online for at least the comfort of camaraderie in the world's most awful club.

Fast-forward to this year. I found myself in a mentally toxic work situation. I had taken a different position and it was NOT working out at all like I had hoped. What I originally viewed as a challenge and maybe an opportunity to expand myself spiraled into the worst possible decision. I ultimately realized I was not cut out for sales. At all. Because it's 90% rejection, 10% successes. And even the wins didn't feel good because there were so many not-wins. I felt out of control of my life. I felt like a failure. And in that kind of position, you often have to deal with angry people for reasons that you were not responsible for, but you were "the face" to yell at. Yeah, that whole conflict thing for me again... I was undone. I cried in my car a lot. Coworkers found me sobbing in the bathroom an embarrassing number of times. I was in constant stress mode physically and mentally and I feared it would eventually take a toll on my health. I was always fighting with everyone in my life and coming home in SUPER BITCH mode to my poor husband. I was not "me". Not by a long shot.

I was in such a bad state. But I also felt trapped. I didn't want to die, but I did want to simply "not exist". At least for a little while. I needed help. I would have LOVED to have some sessions with a counselor. But Google searches told me the same sad story as I experienced five years ago: nobody takes your insurance, if they take insurance at all, and considering I was constantly 10 seconds away from rage-quitting in desperation at any given moment, I wasn't gonna be blowing wads of cash for mental health out-of-pocket.

Thankfully, a new position opportunity opened up at work that was a MUCH better fit for me, so I received the escape I had desperately been seeking. Today is such a 180 from three months ago that words don't do it justice.

But what if that hadn't happened? What if I was still clawing inside my head? With no real access to professional help?

I get angry every time I read about a suicide. Because I know exactly what it does to those left behind. But I also can't lay much blame on the soul that was hurting so badly that their pain blinded them to anything else... because what freaking HELP do they really have? Friends and family can only do so much - if either is even in the picture (some people aren't so fortunate). A suicide hotline is better than nothing, I suppose, but that seems like trying to put a bandage on a severed limb... it might be helpful in the short-term, but what help exists long-term? If they have no insurance or their insurance isn't accepted by counselors, how can they get help?

"Well, that's no excuse for the mega-rich, they can afford it!" And that absolutely is an understandable response. Other than even if you CAN just blow wads of cash for non-insured treatment, you still get to deal with the lovely stigma of being "weak" or "crazy". Because mental health is not viewed the same as physical health. People don't get it. You're simply expected to "be strong" or "man up". On that note, I imagine it's even WORSE for men because you guys are often reared to "not cry" and "be a man" and essentially have it drilled into your skull that feelings are bad and belong solely to the realm of women.

I get angry every time I read about a suicide. Because that mental health stigma immediately rears its ugly head every time, with every comment about the act being selfish. Because while it absolutely is selfish on some levels, at the end of the day, this was a person who fucking needed HELP and either could not get it or was too afraid/ashamed to try and get it, most likely. The system failed them, but instead of us getting righteously angry about THAT, we victim-blame instead.

Our healthcare system SUCKS. Our mental healthcare system is essentially non-existent. And I think that makes me angry more than anything else.

/ridiculously long rant... if you made it through all that, thank you

#worlds longest rant screaming into the void crawling in my skin these wounds they will not heal RIP Chester

[aliceellablog]

Can’t really think of a title for this one... awks...

Hello blog readery people :) So it’s Saturday afternoon and I’m not gonna lie I’m in a bit of a weird mood, kind of an in-between mood… am I happy? Meh… am I sad? Meh… I don’t even know anymore…. I can tell you one thing though, I have been SO EMOSH!!! - I am in the process of coming off my antidepressants which I’ve been on for 14 years and it’s naaaaat been easy. I’ve cried freakin’ rivers, ok, probably puddles- but hey theres a lot of water in a puddle!! - and I have also laughed like, a lot. It’s like I can feel everything so much deeper than before, and I’m still not sure if I am doing the ‘right’ thing or not…. it’s like, do I keep taking a chemical that affects my brain and dulls all my feelings a bit and makes it harder to cry... or do I FEEL everything but maybe get some of the highs back too?!?! Time will tell eh!!

So my last two weeks has been pretty good I guess :) Can’t complain too much… although I’m sure that’s basically what I’m about to do! ;) I’ve had a few great writing sessions beginning of the week including one with Reece who is mega awesome!! We wrote and recorded a topline for a proper coooool song- thing is, we were both so sure we nailed it, and it’s a song I’ve had stuck in my head ever since and feel it’s SO strong, but we didn’t get the bloody cut did we!!! :( 

It’s such a shit industry, where you just constantly do your best work and put hours and days and weeks (sometimes years!) into songs and send them off to usually not even get a response, or to get a ‘no’, and then you’ve just gotta pick yourself right back up and do it over again, and again until one day (please for the love of god) you get a yes! And even then I’ve had ‘yes’s back which then haven’t actually happened…. It’s cool though I’m sure we will use what we wrote on another song but it’s just that constant rejection that makes you doubt if you’re any good or if you should bother again- but of course I do! I have to! Even when it’s a ‘no’ I love writing songs more than anything and am pretty damn determined!!!!

Mid week I had a few meetings with some people I have been potentially thinking of working with - I think they went pretty well, but again I am never quite sure wether to mention my health or just cross that bridge if and when…. I usually just see what the vibe is and on this occasion the guy I met with actually told me all about his health issues so I went for it! You never know who is suffering what and we seemed to bond over this so that was good!

I had a few admin days and days of resting but then had a mega awesome night on the Thursday! A good friend of mine who works in publishing invited me down to ‘Fekky’s album listening party- he is a well known rapper signed to Universal & Island Records and it was an industry event so I had to go!!! I had all the usual worries… will there be a queue to get in, will there be anywhere to sit, what if I feel too ill and have to go home bla bla bla, but all worked out SO well!! I got a bus all the way there (massive win for me legs!!) and then the night went without a hitch. I met so many great industry people and got lots of email addresses!!! I have of course done all me follow up emails and really hope something comes of it! It was also great to meet Fekky and hear the album- not totally the kind of music I am ‘into’ but genuinely really enjoyed it :) And great to catch up with Ben too! GOOD PEOPLES!!

The next day was a rest day and then in the evening it was one of my best friend Katie’s birthday dinner. I felt so shite. I’d almost cancelled a few times but pulled it together and was sure I could get through it, but for me it basically sucked balls. I’d been in tears because I’d felt so unwell all day and on the way there but was not going to turn up crying at someone elses birthday thang!! (Even I wouldn’t do that ;)  So I got there and I smiled. I really tried to smile lots, but when people asked me how I was I had to change the subject as I literally couldn’t talk about anything to do with me without bursting into tears. MAJOR AWKWARD. 

My best friends who I live with were all there and all I wanted to do was tell them how gutted I was feeling and collapse in a heap on the floor and cry my eyes out - and I really do mean gutted- heartbroken- I get into this place of utter despair quite quickly, as though my life is completely over and not worth living and that I just can’t do it anymore, and like no-one understands. I think it was brought on because I’d had such a great night the night before and made all these great contacts and then had woken up feeling so ill that I was in bed / on the sofa all day, and so it was like, what’s the point of me even going to that event and networking if I can’t even really function the day after - how am I meant to live the lifestyle of a singer / songwriter when I have to rest all the bloody time - ok so just writing that sentence has made me well up….  I just can’t put into words how much I want to be well enough to follow my dream and work at it every day. I know I should be grateful that I managed to go to that event in the first place…. But it’s just not enough. Ugh, anyway… I got through the dinner part of it but then had to leave. They were drinking and having fun and it was like being on a diet sat with ALL the cakes in-front of you. 

I could’t sit and watch them- I’m sure this sounds so bitter- ofcourse I am so glad that Katie had a lovely birthday and of course I want my friends to all be happy but I obviously have major jealousy issues!!! So I said my goodbyes and they were all very sweet to me and I left. As soon as I got out of the door I phoned my poor mum and sobbed down the phone. I could hardly breathe I had been holding it in for so long! I had a complete crying panic attack at kings cross station but luckily mumma bear was on the end of the phone to make everything that little bit better. I spoke to her and my wonderful step dad for about half an hour and they kind of got me to just focus on one thing at a time, like getting home, getting to bed, and what I had to do the next day…. Which just so happened to be a gig day- probably also why I felt so panicked about everything!!

The next day was like I say, gig day- The only money I have coming in at the moment is function gigs, so weddings, birthday parties, cooperate events etc and I really do love them….. but never really feel well enough to enjoy them!! However, this one went pretty well! I took my lil’ gigging stool with me as my legs just get too painful if I stand up on stage the whole time. And what with a mix of determination and adrenaline I got through the gig. 

Then the Sunday was spent in bed all day - I couldn’t even get out of bed to pee until about 4pm…which probably aint good for ya!! Sorry…. TMI!!! But I was SHATTERED… so ordered takeaway and did utter nothing all day :) - At least I felt like I’d done something to deserve this rest though :)

The next week was again a mixture of resting days and meetings, oh and a Crohns flare up I think…. I know I only really talk about my M.E. on here, but I guess I should try and be a bit more open about my Crohns… my bowels certainly are ;) (see what I did there) hahaha… but Yea, I’m not gonna go into too much detail don’t worry… but last week really did have a fair few ‘moments’ where I really fucking hated my silly silly body and what very random situations it had gotten me into….. I had a little op a few months ago and am getting all the results etc next week when I see my Crohns specialist… so fingers and legs crossed she can help!! I’m sure I’ll let ya know ;)

Then I went home to Sussex these last few days to see my cat, mum and stepdad (in that order!! Haha - JOKING) and go to the dreaded dentist!! Ahhhh!!! - it actually went ok but I do have to have a filling (woi oi) in a few weeks so I will be bloody terrified then!!  Is ANYONE ok about going to the dentist? Please do tell me…..nah didn’t’t think so!!

Right… I’m gonna go and paint flamingos on my nails now - as you do! Oh I haven’t mentioned it yet- tomorrow is our yearly house party so I am sooooo looking forward to it! I am praying to the M.E. gods that I am well enough to enjoy it at least for a bit!! So I’ll tell you all the #clubtropicana (party theme) goss next time!! Let’s see if I can get away with having one drink!! Maybe even two! Ah!

- Please do feel free to get in touch if you want to- I will reply ASAP and LOVE hearing from you guys! You are all wonderful and having this support network means a lot :) We can get through all these shitty times together right?? Right!! ;) xxx Mwa xxx

#me #m.e. #m.e./cfs #cfs #chronic fatigue #chronic illness #chronic fаtiguе ѕуndrоmе #myalgic encephalomyelitis #chronicillness #chron's disease #Chrons #Chronie #spoons #spoon theory #spoonie #singer #songwriter #musician #music business #blog #funny #uplifting #positive #positivity #positivethinking #tired #il #invisible illness #invisableillness #illness

[reversewerewolf]

Answer character creation questions for your D&D boys!

HOO BOY OK

Naveen:

1. What was the first element of your OC that you remember considering (name, appearance, backstory, etc.)?

Appearance and personality…? I wanted a sassy gay elf lol

2. Did you design them with any other characters/OCs from their universe in mind?

No, I didn’t really know the setting or the other characters when I was doing character creation.

3. How did you choose their name?

My best friend/DM for the campaign I use Naveen in actually named him. I had a name for him and it didn’t fit, and I was struggling before the start of the first session. She asked me a bunch of questions about him and named him at the table literally five minutes before we started the first session of the campaign. It fits him better than any name I could’ve chosen for him.

4. In developing their backstory, what elements of the world they live in played the most influential parts?

Not applicable… I hashed out a very basic backstory for him before our first session, but didn’t know anything about the world until later.

5. Is there any significance behind their hair color?

Nah

6. Is there any significance behind their eye color?

Nah

7. Is there any significance behind their height?

Nah

8. What (if anything) do you relate to within their character/story?

I relate to Naveen a lot. He tends to feel very alone and even though he doesn’t want to burden others with his problems he relies on other people very heavily… he wants to be a better person, and he wants to be more confident in himself and his ability to love other people. He wants to lift other people up and make the people he cares about happy.

He’s also fat and trans, lol.

9. Are they based off of you, in some way?

No. As he grows as a person, I find he has traits I’d like to see in myself, though, lol.

10. If they have an LI, how much of their character is tailored to be compatible to that person?

Assuming this means love interest?? He has crushes on like… three to four people. Maybe more… No part of him was made to be compatible with any of them, and he’s not compatible with any of them.

Maybe with Reginald…

11. Did you know what the OC’s sexuality would be at the time of their creation?

I mean… I went into creating him like “bitchy gay elf haha” but like, the finer details of it, not really? He likes people regardless of gender. I also thought he was asexual at first which has turned out not to be true in the least.

12. What have you found to be most difficult about creating art for your OC (any form of art: writing, drawing, edits, etc.)?

When I created him I wanted to draw him, obviously, but I hadn’t tried to draw seriously in at least two years. I had a set idea of what I wanted him to look like and didn’t have the skills to do that which is why the initial drawings I have of him are so different from how he looks now - I went outside my comfort zone to try and teach myself how to draw different hair and body types, for example. I’ve gotten better, but that was really hard.

I also try to write poems as him to get a better feel for his character, which has been helpful, but was difficult as I hadn’t tried to write a poem in over a decade.

13. How far past the canon events that take place in their world have you extended their story, if at all?

We haven’t finished the canon yet!

I just want his story to end happily.

14. If you had to narrow it down to 2 things that you MUST keep in mind while working with your OC, what would those things be?

1. He’s going to do stuff I don’t want him to.2. I should lean into that a little bit from time to time.

15. What is something about your OC can make you laugh?

He’s very easy to pick on, which tends to make for funny situations.

16. What is something about your OC can make you cry?

He’s a fucking idiot who doesn’t know how to relate to other people and he constantly puts his foot in his mouth and it’s so frustrating.

17. Is there some element you regret adding to your OC or their story?

Uhh… I regret his whole existence sometimes.

I didn’t want him to be horny but he is and I hate that.

18. What is the most recent thing you’ve discovered about your OC?

He likes kids, which is sort of surprising? Like, they’ve found themselves around a bunch of goblin kids and a little vampire girl and he was kind of overwhelmed at first because he hasn’t spent a lot of time around kids, but he really loved them. He was amused by their antics and wants to take care of them.

19. What is your favorite fact about your OC?

The two strands of hair that frame his face are coiled just a little bit tighter than the rest of his hair because he twirls them around his fingers when he’s nervous!

Dro’gul:

1. What was the first element of your OC that you remember considering (name, appearance, backstory, etc.)?

I just wanted a beastmaster ranger. (Naveen was initially going to be one but another player claimed that class first!!) Dro’gul has actually been through a lot of iterations. He was initially a female half-elf and has gone through a lot of revamps until he became something I was happy with.

2. Did you design them with any other characters/OCs from their universe in mind?

Sort of. I wanted a character whose personality would mesh better with this particular campaign’s chaotic team than my straight-laced, goody-two-shoes drow wizard.

3. How did you choose their name?

I liked the shorter name “Gul” for a while because it frequently came up on the Orc name generator I used, lol. I found out during that time that it also means “rose” in Persian, which I thought was sweet. I just added “Dro” to make it longer.

4. In developing their backstory, what elements of the world they live in played the most influential parts?

Honestly? None at first… In fact his backstory really makes very little sense for the time period this particular campaign is set in (1920′s, but we all keep forgetting and picture it as medieval fantasy…).

My friend was also wanting to switch their character to someone more fitting for the vibe of the campaign, so our DM asked if our characters could know each other. We linked their backstories (”he broke her out of jail and they’ve been together since!”) and it quickly went downhill into shipping them, lol. That’s been more influential. But it’s fun and it’s solidified who he is as a character very significantly.

5. Is there any significance behind their hair color?

Nah

6. Is there any significance behind their eye color?

To match his wolf!

7. Is there any significance behind their height?

Wanted… big boi

8. What (if anything) do you relate to within their character/story?

I relate a lot to Dro’gul as a survivor of family abuse who struggles with PTSD. He’s been through more and worse than I’ve been through but I relate to the feelings of despair and guilt and panic that he feels. He’s done bad things and he thinks he’s a bad person though he tries to combat that line of thinking. He wants to do good to make up for the bad he’s done. He wants to raise other people up.

9. Are they based off of you, in some way?

No, though we share the self-deprecation and (usually unintentional) self-sacrifice.

10. If they have an LI, how much of their character is tailored to be compatible to that person?

He’s dating my friend’s tiefling sorcerer, Nowhere. They were created separately from each other, and he wasn’t tailored to be compatible with her, but they work well together incidentally. I love them together very much but with that said his devotion to her is pretty decidedly unhealthy. If she felt like taking advantage of his good nature it would be easy for her to do so. (She doesn’t want to, luckily!)

11. Did you know what the OC’s sexuality would be at the time of their creation?

Not in the least. When I created him I wasn’t really thinking about his romantic or sexual preferences. I kind of assumed he was straight for a bit but I was incorrect. I also thought he was cis, but he’s nonbinary - he’s comfortable being identified as male but he doesn’t really care about differences in gender one way or another and thinks the idea that there are masculine traits and feminine traits are ridiculous.

12. What have you found to be most difficult about creating art for your OC (any form of art: writing, drawing, edits, etc.)?

I… can’t draw muscles or strong jawlines or body hair or tusks or curly hair, but he has all of those things.

I’m still learning.

13. How far past the canon events that take place in their world have you extended their story, if at all?

I’ve talked about his plans with Nowhere with Nowhere’s player, but for now those will remains secret! We haven’t finished the campaign and therefore the canon yet so it’s up in the air either way.

14. If you had to narrow it down to 2 things that you MUST keep in mind while working with your OC, what would those things be?

1. He’s an idiot2. He’s going to die because he’s an idiot

15. What is something about your OC can make you laugh?

His lack of intelligence makes for funny moments - for example, someone described coffee to him and he became convinced coffee was drugs. He also thought their very short party member was an actual child. Both of these are things he believed for some time.

16. What is something about your OC can make you cry?

He’s got too good of a heart and he’s going to get hurt because of it.

17. Is there some element you regret adding to your OC or their story?

I wish his conversation confessing to Nowhere had been more romantic. But, it was really awkward and genuine, which makes more sense narratively, so I’m okay with it.

18. What is the most recent thing you’ve discovered about your OC?

He’s got a lot more anxiety than I thought he did, lol.

19. What is your favorite fact about your OC?

He fidgets a lot when he’s nervous - runs his hands through his hair, rubs the tips of his tusks against his upper lip, rubs his cheek. He cute.

#dnd shit