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pandenewie · 1 year

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GAMEBOY

SYNOPSIS:

Heeseung visits the same Gamestop every Tuesday and Thursday after his afternoon lecture. Not only because of the hidden gems he finds in the two for one sales bin, but also because of the insanely cute worker who just picked up that shift…

PAIRING: heeseung x fem!oc

GENRE: nonidol!au, college!au, slow burn, strangers to ???, fluff, angst (light)

WORD COUNT: 6.9k

AN: This is a special chapter for my Sunghoon smau “Diary of a Homewrecker” which you can read here :) You don’t need to read the smau to understand this fic. Can be read as x reader if you want, just change the name to y/n :)

Read part 2 here :))

Everyone who knows Lee Heeseung knows that he’s not the most… romantic of people. Not to say he doesn’t try - the amount of rom coms in his Netflix “Watch again” section could put your average 15 year old girl to shame. But despite the amount of “research” he’s done, all Heeseung’s relationships tend to end before they even begin. Maybe some people just aren’t cut out for romance. And some people just don’t know when to quit…

“I know you think I’m crazy but I promise you, we were flirting.” Heeseung repeats, for probably the 5th time since he got in the car. After years of friendship with the older boy, Jay knows it’s best to just hum and nod in agreement whenever Heeseung get’s like this. Heeseung is a handsome dude. So honestly, the chance of some random girl at their college campus flirting with him is quite large. But is it worth making this much of a fuss about it? Absolutely not.

This is how it always goes with Heeseung. He’ll show interest in someone, talk about them non-stop for a few days, go on a date or two if he’s lucky, before the whole thing ends within about a week. It’s a pattern the boys have become very familiar with - so much that there’s a shared schedule between the other 6 friends for who’s on “Heartbroken Heeseung Duty”.

Jay knows this won’t end any differently from the other times Heeseung has found “the one”. Hell, the whole world probably knows at this point. But with Heeseung being such a hopeless romantic and the glimmer of hope in his eyes as he recounts the story once again, Jay doesn’t have the heart to tell him.

It’s not creepy. At least that’s what Heeseung tries to tell himself, as he walks through the sliding doors of the all-too-familiar Gamestop. He’s certainly no stranger to this place - the cream coloured brick and vibrant “For Sale” signs giving a sense of familiarity. Hell, this place is like a second home at this point. So why does Heeseung feel so anxious today?

Well for starters, it’s Friday. Which marks this momentous occasion as his third Gamestop trip this week. Although many would argue that Heeseung has a gaming addiction, three trips in one week is definitely a first.

Despite Heeseung’s life being what many would call a mess, he has very few routines that he absolutely swears by. Visit Gamestop on Tuesday after his lecture, pick out the games he wants to buy, and hide them at the very bottom of the sales bin. Then, once he gets paid Wednesday night, he’ll come back on Thursday to buy the games. That’s the way it’s been since he started university and it’s something he never planned on changing. That was until he saw her.

Now Heeseung never really paid much attention to the workers at Gamestop. They were usually socially awkward teens just trying to make a few bucks and therefore never stood out to him. Until this week…

As soon as the familiar beep of the sliding doors rings through the air, Heeseung makes a b-line for the sales bin at the back of the store. The shop is as quiet as it normally is at 2pm on a Tuesday, leaving Heeseung to comfortably browse before having to pick Ni-ki up from school at 3.

Just as he is deciding between two games, he feels a presence come up behind him - making him internally groan at the thought of communication with another person. But a sudden cherry voice breaks through his sour mood, causing his ears to prick up at the melodic sound.

“Hi! Is there anything I can help you with today?”

Heeseung turns around to find himself face to face with one of the most beautiful women he’s ever seen. With big sparkling eyes and a grin that seems to light up the room - honest to god, if she weren’t standing right before his very eyes, he’d assume she wasn’t real. But as her head tilts in slight confusion - the bright smile not leaving her face, he releases that she is in fact real and he is in fact staring.

Clearing his throat nervously, Heeseung looks away from the girl - suddenly finding some co-op game on the shelf incredibly interesting. “J-just looking, thanks.” He manages to let out, mentally cursing himself for the stutter and waver in his voice.

The girl's smile seems to grow even more, if that’s even possible. Her eyes crinkle as she gently bows to Heeseung. “Ok, if you need anything don’t be afraid to ask. I’ll just be at the front desk.” She says before retreating to her former position.

Heeseung lets out the breath he didn’t realise he was holding as he watches her walk away. That had to be one of the most awkward interactions he’d had in a while. And yet, he’d do almost anything to experience it again. Because no amount of awkwardness could override the pure warmth he felt in the presence of the strange girl.

So here he stands on a Friday afternoon, mindlessly flicking through the games he has no intention of buying as his gaze focuses once again on the girl at the counter. Part of him is just happy to see her face. The way her eyes light up when a customer purchases a game she’s particularly interested in. The way she laughs and jokes around with her coworkers when the store’s a little quiet. But another part of him wishes it was him. That he’s the one she enthuses over games with. He’s the one making her laugh as if he’s just told the best joke of the decade. For now though, he’s more than happy just to watch.

It’s not creepy.

“It is kinda creepy hyung.” Ni-ki mumbles from his position on the couch. Although his focus appears to be on the game he is currently playing, he couldn’t help but listen intently as Heeseung retold the events of his Gamestop trip.

“Hey! I’m not creepy!” Heeseung exclaims in offence, causing his younger friend to roll his eyes. “I never said you were creepy, just that your actions are.” Ni-ki states matter-of-factly. “Because you’d be so much better.” Heeseung bites back, ripping the controller out of his friend’s hand when the flashing “You Died” comes across the screen. Ni-ki scowls at his hyung as he lays back into the couch. “At least I can talk to girls.” He mumbles, thankful that his friend doesn’t hear the words.

A few weeks pass until Heeseung see’s who his friends have affectionately dubbed “Gamestop Girl” again. Not once in those weeks did she leave his mind; a pang of disappointment hitting his chest each time he entered the store, only to find some pimply high schooler instead. But boy, were those weeks of disappointment worth it for the image in front of him.

Heeseung didn’t think that she could get any brighter - any more perfect. Her warm and cheerful smile was now matched with the golden glow of her skin, indicating a possible vacation (which would explain her weeks of absence). Her hair, slightly longer than before though not enough for the regular person to notice. Heeseung noticed. To put it simply, she was absolutely breathtaking.

“Sale bin guy!”

The sudden exclamation breaks Heeseung out of his thoughts as he looks around the room for the origin of the sound. As his eyes land back on the girl, he sees her already looking at him with her familiar smile. That’s when it dawns on him that he is in fact “Sale Bin Guy”.

“Uh.. what?” Heeseung stutters out as she makes her way towards him. “You always come for the sale bin, right? There’s some nice hidden gems in there - I was actually just on my way to restock it.” She rambles on, walking to the back of the store where the bin is located. Heeseung’s feet seem to move on their own as he follows her to the back of the store.

“So, are you looking for anything particular today?” She asks as she begins filling the sale bin with all sorts of games. “I was kinda hoping you’d have Halo - one of my friend’s has been begging me to play.” He says, taking note of each game as she puts them in the bin. “We have Halo, not on sale though. It’s super popular so it’s usually full price unfortunately.” She says, sending him a quick sympathetic smile. Heeseung immediately decides he doesn’t like this smile as much.

“That’s why I haven’t got it yet, it doesn't really fit my broke college student aesthetic.” He jokes, feeling a sense of pride when she giggles a little. “Maybe if you weren’t buying the sale games every week you could save up for Halo.” She says, causing Heeseung to laugh sheepishly. “I’ve got a feral teenager at home who goes through games like he’s getting paid so… I’ll stick to the sale bin for now.” Heeseung says. Although it isn’t a joke, the girl laughs anyway and that sense of pride shoots through Heeseung once again.

The pair continue to make small talk as Heeseung looks through the games and he only suddenly realises that she’s wearing a nametag. Whilst trying to be as subtle as possible, he glances down at the tag and smiles as he reads the name - Ari.

“Ari, huh?” Jay asks, not even remotely enthusiastic to be talking about his friend’s love life. This one has lasted much longer than the others, he’ll give him that. But it’s not like this has actually gone anyway either.

“Isn’t it just perfect?” Heeseung sighs, his lovestruck tone making Jay want to vomit. “And how many times have you spoken to her?” He asks, causing Heeseung to blush with embarrassment. “Well… technically twice. If you count the first one.” He mumbles, making Jay snicker. “And you’re already head over heels for her? That’s weird, even for you.” Jay says, making Heeseung roll his eyes.

“Didn’t you tell your ex that you loved them after like, 2 days?” Heeseung asks. Now it’s Jay’s turn to roll his eyes - his past relationship often being brought up in an attempt to prove a point. “At least I was dating them! What do you even know about this girl aside from where she works?” Jay asks, going back on topic.

Heeseung stays silent as the realisation hits that he, in fact, knows nothing about Ari. Well that certainly needs to change.

“Can you request some games?” Heeseung asks, practically interrupting Ari as she went to greet him. She looks at him a little in shock before breaking out into her all familiar smile. “Well nice to see you too, what sort of thing are you after?” She asks. “Anything? I just got a Nintendo Switch and all I have is Super Smash Bros and this one about a cup.” Heeseung says, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. “Cuphead? Yeah that one can be kinda weird for new players.” Ari giggles slightly before taking Heeseung towards the switch games.

“Well, I’m certainly the girl you’re looking for; me and my switch are basically attached at the hip.” Ari jokes as she looks at the games they have lining the shelves. “You said you already have Smash Bros which would be one of my go-tos. Another would probably be Animal Crossing which you’ve no doubt heard of?” Ari asks, turning back to see Heeseung nod enthusiastically. ��Yeah, so that’s super fun if you’re into more chill games. I personally find it very therapeutic but I can also spend all day playing it so you’ve gotta be careful.”

“Then there’s super well known games like Legends of Zelda, Sonic, and other Mario games. They’re the typical ones that you would get in a beginner switch pack. Zelda’s probably my favourite out of those ones but the others are good too.”

“There’s also a whole punch of Pokemon games. I’m probably not the best to recommend those since I know nothing about Pokemon aside from the fact that they’re cute. But I’ve heard they’re good so if you’re into that it’s worth a try.”

Heeseung honestly feels like he should be taking notes with the amount of information Ari is spitting at him. It’s very clear that she rambles when she gets excited, which Heeseung can’t help but smile at.

“So… see any you like?” Ari asks, beaming up at him as her rant comes to an end. “Uh… I’ll be honest I kinda blanked out. You’re just like… really cute.” Heeseung admits, mumbling the last part. If Ari heard it, she certainly acts like she didn’t as she playfully rolls her eyes at him. “How about you start with Animal Crossing and Zelda? Those are my favourites.” She suggests. “Plus, they’re on sale right now, so perfect for a broke college student.” She adds, a slight teasing tone in her voice. Heeseung just nods in agreement as he follows her up to the counter.

“I’m Heeseung by the way.” Heeseung suddenly says as she’s checking out his items. He’s not sure why he tells her his name - maybe it’s just an excuse to keep talking? “Nice to meet you Heeseung, I’m Ari but you probably already know that.” She says smiling. “Yeah… it’s a really beautiful name.” He says without thinking, causing her smile to widen as she thanks him.

“I’ll tell you what, Heeseung.” Ari says, grabbing a pen as his receipt starts to print out. Once printed, she flips over to the blank side and starts writing something down. “That’s my Nintendo ID and Discord. Animal Crossing can be multiplayer, so once you’ve established your island a little… I’d love to have a look.” She says.

“I can’t believe you’re ditching us to play Animal Crossing with some chick.” Jake grumbles as he pushes his way into Heeseung’s apartment. Sunghoon quickly follows suit, sending Heeseung a disapproving look before sitting on the couch. “I literally see you guys all the time and I don’t know when I’ll get to play with her again. Don’t act like you guys wouldn’t do the exact same thing.” Heeseung rolls his eyes. “Jake wouldn’t know, he’s never had a girlfriend.” Sunghoon teases, causing Jake to shove his shoulder. “Says the guy who can’t even talk to his crush!” A mini fight breaks out between the boys, causing Heeseung to rub his temples in frustration.

“What are you guys even doing here? I text the groupchat this morning that I couldn’t come.” Heeseung says. “They’re here for me. Not everything’s about you, hyung.” Niki pokes his tongue at the oldest friend, causing Heeseung to roll his eyes yet again. “You’re right. How silly of me to think people came to my house to see me.” Heeseung says sarcastically. “Feel free to leave him wherever you’re going. It’d be nice to have my couch back.” Heeseung continues, picking up the pillow Niki sleeps with and throwing it at his youngest friend.

Once the guys have left the house, Heeseung lets out a sigh of relief at the sudden silence. The short amount of chaos from his friends managed to distract him from how nervous he is. He quickly glances at the clock on the wall - 5:50. 10 minutes until Ari’s shift finishes. 10 minutes until he’ll be showing her his progress in Animal Crossing.

Realistically, there’s nothing to be nervous about. He won’t be able to see her face so he can’t get distracted by her beautiful features. Plus he has the game to focus on and hopefully stop him from saying anything stupid. Everything will be fine.

“Heeseung! Can you hear me?” Ari’s cheery voice blasts through his headphones, sending a spark of energy right to Heeseung’s heart. Ok, maybe everything won’t be fine. “I uh… yeah.” Heeseung manages, clearing his throat. “Ok cool. I’m just loading into your island. Where do you want to meet me?” She asks. “Um… I have a cherry blossom tree at the front of my island. I’ll wait there.” Heeseung says, smiling to himself as Ari goes on a mini rant about how cute the cherry blossoms are in the game.

As the two of them continue to explore Heeseung’s island, Ari seems to carry the conversation. She’s letting out praises for how well he’s done despite not playing that long, talking about her favourite parts of the island, and cracking jokes about certain villagers. Heeseung finds himself happily content with just listening to her, responding with hums of agreement and the occasional sentence when asked a question.

“Sorry, I know I talk a lot. You can tell me to shut up if I’m too annoying.” Ari jokes, causing Heeseung’s face to fall. Although she played it off as a joke, part of him thinks that she’s being serious. “Don’t apologize. I like listening to you talk. Especially since I suck at it.” Heeseung reassures. He hopes she knows he means it. The thought of someone like her thinking she’s annoying is just wrong.

“Ok. But I want you to talk too.” Ari says. “What should I talk about?” Heeseung asks, his nerves coming back now that he’s been put on the spot. “I just rambled about my childhood dog for 5 minutes cause a villager reminded me of him. You can talk about anything.” Ari assures.

So Heeseung rambles on about anything that comes to mind. University, work, his friends being stupid, even that one time he had to break into his own house because he accidentally threw his keys in the trash. The game became long forgotten as the two get caught up in learning more about each other.

Heeseung doesn’t even notice the time, until he hears the front door of his apartment open. Ni-ki soon walks into Heeseung’s room, eyes widening when he sees that he’s still talking to that girl.

“Oh? It’s my roommate.” Heeseung says into his mic, attempting to shoo Ni-ki out of his room. Dodging Heeseung’s waving arm, Ni-ki pulls the headphones off his head, yelling a quick hello into the mic before Heeseung fights him off. “Get out you rat.” Heeseung whisper-yells, adjusting the headphones so they’re back in their original position. The sound of Ari’s laughter quickly fills his eardrums, causing a dopey smile to spread across his face. “Simp.” Ni-ki scoffs before leaving to find something to eat.

“I’m guessing that’s the feral teenager?” Ari asks, causing Heeseung to sigh. “Yeah… he can be a lot. I guess I love him though.” Heeseung says, checking the time to see that it is in fact quite late. “I should probably go eat something. And make sure he doesn’t burn down my apartment.” Heeseung sighs, not wanting to stop talking but equally not wanting to starve. Or find himself homeless. “I should probably go too. I’ve got an early class tomorrow.” Ari agrees. “I had a lot of fun tonight. We should do this again.” She continues, causing Heeseung to agree a little too quickly. “Ok well, go feed your feral teenager. I’ll talk to you later Heeseung.” Ari says, disconnecting the call after Heeseung lets out a small “goodbye”

Playing together soon becomes a natural thing for Heeseung and Ari. It started with her visiting his Animal Crossing island without him knowing - leaving small presents for him to find later. That led to a game of hide and seek on each other’s islands, where they would call and time each other to see how quickly they could find each other’s presents. Now, fast forward a few weeks and the two have just started a minecraft server - which Ari affectionately named “Gamestop Besties”.

Besties. Heeseung hates that word. He’d call Jay and Ni-ki his besties. He’d call Sunghoon and Jake his besties. Heck, he’d even call his mum his bestie if she didn’t smack him for it. But the thought of him and Ari being besties honestly terrifies him. Because part of him thinks that’s all they’ll ever be. Besties.

“What the fuck?” Heeseung exclaims, his eyes furrowing in confusion as his character walks back to what once was his and Ari’s beautifully built Minecraft house. He says was because half the house is now missing, with a large hole in the wall. “Creeper.” Ari admits. “I forgot they existed.” She continues. “How do you forget about Creepers?” Heeseung laughs. “Well I didn’t have to deal with them until someone killed my cat.” Ari states.

A moment of silence falls between the two before Heeseung sighs. “I’ll get you a new cat.” He says, walking off to try and find a village. “I’ll start rebuilding the house… and make you a new bed.” Ari mumbles the last part, causing Heeseung to gasp. “You blew up my bed?!?”

It’s been almost a week since Ari and Heeseung last played Minecraft together. Now, for most people that’s not considered a long amount of time. But for people who have been playing together nearly everyday, it’s a big deal. She hasn’t been responding to messages either, which has Heeseung especially worried.

Heeseung gets woken from his sleep by a discord notification. For a second, he considers ignoring it and going back to sleep. That’s until he remembers that he only has notifications on for Ari’s messages.

Heeseung practically jumps out of bed, quickly shoving on the glasses he hates wearing before sitting down at his computer. His eyes take a bit of time to adjust to the bright light before he is able to read the messages:

Aristocat: Hey sorry for not replying. Just had some personal stuff going on ://

Heebeejeebee: u okay?

Aristocat: Uh?? I think?? Idk my boyfriend and I broke up lol

Aristocat: But I’m allgoods now

Heeseung’s eyes widen at the message. She had a boyfriend this whole time? Why didn’t she think to tell him? He can’t help but feel like an idiot for not knowing.

Heebeejeebee: Oh. I didn’t know you had a boyfriend?

Aristocat: Yeah haha I didn’t talk about him

Aristocat: Was gonna wait until we weren’t having problems

Aristocat: But it doesn’t matter now ig

Heebeejeebee: How are you feeling?

Aristocat: Sad lol

Aristocat: I can’t sleep

Aristocat: Can we play minecraft?

Heebeejeebee: Yeah just one sec

Ari fell asleep at her computer not long after loading into their shared world. Partially due to the fact that it was well past midnight. But Heeseung likes to think that it’s because the sound of his voice - spoken in soft whispers as to not wake up Ni-ki, was able to lull her to sleep. The quiet “thank you” she let out before drifting off to dream land certainly made it seem like it.

Nothing gets one's mind off falling in love with a friend quite like alcohol does. As Heeseung downs his sixth shot of night and asks Ni-ki to grab him yet another beer, his friends start to think that something’s up.

“I’m a pussy.” Heeseung groans, setting his empty shot glass down on the table. “No arguments there.” Sunghoon chimes in, earning him a few glares from their other friends. “What? He’s getting all mopey over something that hasn’t even happened. Sounds like bitchless behaviour to me.” Sunghoon argues, the pink flush to his cheeks showing he’s not far off from Heeseung’s drunkenness.

“Maybe you should have some water hyung.” Jungwon suggests, attempting to get Heeseung out of his chair. “You don’t think I’m bitchless, do you Wonie?” Heeseung asks, grabbing the younger boy’s hand and looking deeply into his eyes. Almost pleading with him. “Uh.. well you are single so… technically?” Jungwon grimaces at the sound of Heeseung’s head banging against the table, a loud whine escaping his lips. He soon goes on a rant about how much of a loser he is, Jungwon rubbing his back sympathetically as he looks to his older friends for help.

None of them knows what to do. Heeseung’s dramatic sometimes, sure. And he’s certainly known to get a bit over the top when he’s drinking, but he’s never been like this. Sure, they know he’s crushing on Gamestop Girl. But this is the first time he’s gotten so worked up over someone. It leaves them thinking that his feelings for Ari are a lot stronger than he’s letting on.

Fun fact, Heeseung is a sloppy drunk. This is evident in the way that he can barely stand up by himself, needing both Ni-ki and Ari to carry him out of Jay’s apartment. “My car’s just across the street.” Ari says, pointing at one of the few cars parked at this time of night.

When she first got the call from Heeseung that night, she was excited. But as he started to mumble incoherent words through the line, she quickly realised that he was drunk. The phone was soon taken over by his roommate Ni-ki - who quickly explained the situation. So here she is, driving home her drunk friend and his teenage roommate at 2 in the morning.

“Sorry again Noona. Jay was gonna give us a ride but he got tricked into doing shots with Jake.” Ni-ki apologises, causing Ari to wave him off nonchalantly, smiling gently at the younger boy. “It’s fine. I wasn’t doing anything important. Besides, at least this way I know he’s getting home safe.” Ari states, readjusting her grip around Heeseung’s torso to stop him from falling.

Once Heeseung is safely in the backseat, Ni-ki gives directions to their apartment. Ari finds herself looking through the rearview mirror at Heeseung’s sleeping figure throughout the drive. He was still awake and functioning when he called her, so the fact that he managed to drink enough to pass out since then is worrying.

By the time they’ve made it to the apartment, Heeseung has woken up a little. Although his eyes are still closed - he is at least responding to his name now, humming lowly and nodding his head whenever the word falls from someone’s lips.

The two carefully carry Heeseung up the stairs to his apartment, laying him down in his room. Ni-ki leaves to get his hyung some water, leaving Ari sitting at the foot of Heeseung’s bed. She gently wipes away the hair that has stuck to his forehead and tugs his shirt down that had ridden up, revealing some of his stomach.

“Heeseung?” Ari asks, causing the boy to hum at the sound of her voice - a dopey smile adorning his lips. “Ni-ki’s getting you some water. Can you sit up?” She asks, lacing her fingers through his and attempting to pull him into a sitting position. Heeseung allows her to move him around, dropping his head onto her shoulder with a thud.

“Be careful.” Ari softly scolds, bringing her hand to gently rub the part of his head he hit on her shoulder. The two find themselves in comfortable silence as they wait for Ni-ki to return.

“Ari?” Heeseung asks quietly, his words muffled slightly as he presses his face further into her neck. “Did you do this kinda stuff with your boyfriend?” He continues. Her fingers halt their movement at the sudden question, causing Heeseung to whine and press his head further into her hand.

Ari’s not sure what to answer. Does he mean look after him when he’s drunk? Is it the fact that she’s caressing his head? Heeseung sighs at her silence, mumbling a quiet nevermind before completely pulling away to lay down on the bed. Ari watches him for a moment, confusion written all over her features as she processes what just happened. Part of her knows exactly what he meant, after all, Heeseung isn’t the most subtle person in the world. She immediately shoves that thought down though, not emotionally ready to unpack it just yet.

Finally, Ni-ki returns with the water and gives Ari the greenlight to go home. Part of her wants to stay and make sure Heeseung’s okay, but she finds herself walking out of the apartment before she can even think of an excuse not to.

“Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed.” Heeseung exclaims, resting his head on the table in the kitchen. He can remember everything from the night before, and he’s not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse. Ni-ki pats his friend’s back sympathetically but offers no further help to the situation.

“Do I text her and apologise? Or do I wait for her to bring it up? What if she doesn’t remember and bringing it up only makes things worse? Wait, she was sober so of course she remembers!” Heeseung throws his head back in frustration, letting out a loud groan. “I am never getting out of the friendzone.” He whines, causing Ni-ki to roll his eyes. “You’re hopeless, hyung.” Ni-ki sighs before returning to the game he’s playing on his phone.

Trying to pretend everything is normal proves to be a difficult task. Heeseung remembers very clearly what he said to Ari the night he got drunk. He knows the implications behind his words and part of him wonders if Ari knows too.

She’s been normal, for the most part. Her voice, just as cheery when the two play games. Her smile, just as bright when they facetime late into the night. Everything seems fine on her end, and Heeseung can’t help but feel that maybe he’s the problem.

“Are you still awake?” Ari’s voice sounds through his phone speakers, snapping Heeseung out of his thoughts. “Yeah… I didn’t think you were.” Heeseung admits, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He grabs his phone from where it’s resting on his nightstand, holding it so she can see his face more clearly. “Can’t sleep.” Ari admits; a small smile on her lips when Heeseung’s face comes into focus. “I feel restless.” She adds, slightly laughing in disbelief.

You’d think after a day of uni, a five hour shift and multiple hours spent gaming, she’d have run out of energy by now. But here she lays at an unspeakable hour in the morning, not an ounce of tiredness in her body.

“Restless?” Heeseung asks, intrigued. “Yeah… like I need to get out of the house or something.” Ari sighs, running her hands through her hair. A moment of silence passes between them before Ari sighs once more.

“I think I’m gonna go for a drive. Clear my mind.” She says, picking up her phone as she goes on a hunt for her car keys. “Okay.” Heeseung says, his heart falling a bit at the thought of her hanging up.

Another moment of silence…

“Do you want to come?”

Sat in the passenger seat of Ari’s car, Heeseung feels his heart being pulled in two different directions. On one hand, he gets to spend more time with the woman he’s grown to love. He gets to bask in her presence, her scent sending his heart into a peaceful bliss. On the other hand, she isn’t as warm as normal. Her voice, not as cherry; her smile, not as bright. It’s as if someone has taken all the light from her heart. And thus, breaking Heeseung’s at the same time.

The car is fairly silent, some random radio station playing softly in the background. Neither Heeseung nor Ari make any move to start conversation - finding solace in the comfortable silence.

As the two pull into a nearly abandoned car park, Ari sits back in her chair - running her hands through her hair once more. Something she does when she’s stressed, Heeseung’s noticed.

“Is everything okay?” Heeseung asks, watching her from the passenger seat. He’s been watching her since she picked him up, her movements, mannerisms, the way she gently hums along to the radio when she knows a certain song. All things that would usually bring a smile to Heeseung’s face. But not tonight - not when there’s clearly something wrong.

Ari hums gently in response, turning in her seat to face Heeseung. Her eyes are tired, though still shimmering in a way that would put the entire galaxy to shame. “Have you ever given so much of yourself to someone, only for it to not be enough?” She asks softly. Heeseung can’t help the way he softly bites his lip, nodding gently to her question. “I think I know what you mean.” He says.

It’s one of Heeseung’s greatest fears, not being enough. Giving your everything to someone, to live, think and breathe all for them, only to have it all to be gone in the blink of an eye. It’s the reason Heeseung has never been in a serious relationship - as much as he is obsessed with the idea of falling in love, he’s scared. Because Heeseung falls hard and fast, and he wonders if there’s anyone in the world willing to fall with him.

Ari is everything Heeseung has ever wished for in human form. She feels and expresses her emotions more than anyone he has ever met. It’s what made her so different from everyone else he’s been interested in. Because some childish part of him believes in fate. And god, does this seem like it.

“You spaced out again.” Ari comments, causing Heeseung to sheepishly rub the back of his neck, mumbling a small apology. “I don’t suppose you have a remedy for a broken heart in that interesting head of yours?” Ari asks. She brings her finger up to gently poke between Heeseung’s brows, the furrow he didn’t even know about immediately fading.

“Me”

Heeseung is an idiot. The mix of shock and confusion on Ari’s face confirms that he did, in fact, say that out loud. His expression can’t help but mirror hers as he racks his brain for something… anything to say that can fix this. Is it even worth attempting to play it off? Or should he just man up and confess? He’s basically already started… so might as well give her an explanation.

“Fuck Ari… I just can’t stand to see you like this. Knowing that I could love you more than he ever did. Treat you better than he ever did. It pains me to think that he would just throw you away like you’re nothing, when there are people like me… people who would do anything to just hold you and feel you and love you.”

“You are so bright and warm and radiant and just so pretty. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on. And I know you don’t believe me, which makes you even more beautiful in my eyes.”

“I know, this is the worst time to tell you but I can’t just keep acting like it’s nothing. Like I feel nothing… It’s killing me, Ari.” Heeseung finishes, the hint of desperation in his voice causing Ari’s eyes to soften.

“Heeseung…” Ari lets out, not too sure how to respond. “I’m sorry. I know you’re upset and I just sprung all my feelings onto you, I should never have-”

“Heeseung.” Ari cuts him off, her tone a little sterner at the sound of his rambling. Heeseung bites his lips nervously as he awaits his fatal rejection. “Listen… you’re amazing, Heeseung…”

And there it goes. The infamous line is one he’s heard many times in his life. It starts off as a sweet compliment, almost tricking him into thinking there’s a possibility that just maybe they return his feelings. But all the hope of reciprocation goes out the window as soon as the word but is mumbled. You’re amazing Heeseung but just as a friend. You’re amazing Heeseung but you’re too much for me.

“Heeseung.” Ari repeats for a third time, once again breaking him out of his thoughts. He lets out a hum to let her know he’s listening, his eyes zoning in on a particularly interesting thread on his shirt. “Can you look at me, please?” Ari asks softly, reaching out to gently pull his hand away from the thread - hoping her touch will help to ease his mind in some way.

Heeseung reluctantly brings his eyes up to meet hers, trying to ignore the way his hand practically goes numb from the warmth of her own. Like it’s ascended to heaven from her touch alone. Ari sends him a small smile before continuing what she’s saying:

“Heeseung, I want you to believe me 100% when I say that you are one of the nicest, most considerate guys I’ve ever met. And I am so lucky to have someone like you in my life, who sees me and cares for me the way that you do.”

But… There’s always a but…

“But… it’s just not gonna work. Not right now, at least.”

Heeseung’s eyebrows furrow at her words. Usually rejections are so blatant and obvious, you’d be a fool to go away with any questions. So why is Ari rejecting him in a way that still leaves him with hope?

“You have been nothing but sweet and patient and attentive towards me and my feelings. You deserve to be with someone who will give you the same back, if not more. I’m sorry but… I don’t think I can do that for you right now… and I don’t know how long it’ll be until I can.”

Ari finishes her sentence with a gentle squeeze to Heeseung’s hand. He slowly lets go of the breath he was holding, being sure to squeeze back. “I understand.” He says quietly, a small smile on his face.

If there’s one thing Heeseung doesn’t know how to do, it’s give up. What sounded like a perfectly normal rejection to most people sounded completely different to Heeseung’s head. Because to him, the difference between no and not now is ginormous. And Ari didn’t tell him no.

The drive back to Heeseung’s apartment is equally as silent as the one before. Despite the relationship between the two not changing the way Heeseung would have liked, he can’t help the small smile on his face and the sudden feeling of freedom in his heart.

They mumble soft goodbyes as Heeseung gets out of the car, Ari winding down her window to watch him walk to his door. Before he can think, Heeseung turns back around to face her - causing Ari’s eyebrows to furrow with confusion.

“I’ll wait for you. As long as you’ll let me.” Heeseung says, holding out his pinkie as a promise. They both know what he means, and the thought alone brings a smile to Ari’s face.

Jay is a good friend. He reads people easily, noticing the small signs of what someone might be thinking. It’s definitely not psychic, but if there’s anyone in the world who’s close - it would be him.

Which is why he’s mentally beating himself up. Heeseung sits across from him at the campus cafeteria, happily eating his sandwich. And for the first time in their years of friendship, Jay can’t tell what he’s thinking.

It’s no secret that Heeseung has been oddly private recently… especially since he’s someone who’s known to share his life events with anyone willing to listen. Ever since the whole thing with Ari fell through (Jay assumes, since Heeseung hasn’t mentioned her in months) Heeseung hasn’t shared the story around his love life with any of the guys.

Speaking of the devil, Heeseung’s eyes light up as he sends a cheerful wave towards someone behind Jay - that someone turning out to be none other than Ari.

She politely bows to Jay before turning to face her friend. “I thought you had a lecture?” She asks. “Yeah but the cafeteria was gonna close and I really wanted a sandwich.” Heeseung says, motioning to the snack he’s currently holding. “You’re such a dork.” Ari giggles, glancing at the clock before her eyes widen. “Oh shit, I’ve got work.” She exclaims, pulling her phone out of her pocket to text someone. “I’ll call you later.” She continues, affectionately squeezing Heeseung’s shoulder before leaving.

Jay’s eyes stay furrowed with confusion, even as Heeseung turns back to face him. “What’s wrong?” Heeseung asks, taking another bite of his sandwich. Jay shakes his head slightly, looking down at his own food. “Nothing I just… I didn’t know you two were still talking.” Jay shrugs.

Now it’s Heeseung’s turn to be confused. He and Ari talk everyday? She even comes around every Thursday night and makes Tacos with him and Ni-ki. Why would Jay think they stopped talking?

The realisation suddenly hits him. Ever since he confessed, he hasn’t felt the need to mention Ari or his feelings towards her to the other guys. Since nothing will be coming from it anytime soon, he figured it’d be best to stop annoying them about it.

“Oh, yeah she rejected me a couple months back.” Heeseung says nonchalantly, causing Jay to look at him in shock. “It’s all good though. She said she wasn’t ready for a relationship and everything stayed basically the same. I just don’t talk about her cause… y’know, not like anything’s happening.” He continues. “Oh, well that’s good to know.” Jay nods, causing Heeseung to smirk at his friend.

“Why… do you miss gossiping about my love life?” He asks, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “I’m not Sunoo.” Jay groans, rolling his eyes but smiling at his friend nonetheless. “Don’t worry, you’ll be the first to know if anything changes.” Heeseung says, happily taking a bite of his sandwich.

Heeseung still isn’t the best when it comes to love. But he’s certainly learning. This time last year, he would’ve had his week of crying and moved onto someone new. It’s honestly refreshing for Jay to see such a change in his friend. And if he knows anything about Heeseung, it’s that he doesn’t change for just anyone. Which means that this Ari girl must be pretty darn special.

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shinsengumi-archives · 10 months

Text

Okita Souji's work schedule

During the Edo period, low-ranking samurai working at Edo Castle had a "three-day shift," working two days and taking the third day off.

Working hours were shorter than now, and the work was divided into morning, evening, and night shifts.

This may sound somewhat enviable, but the pay was low, and the workers ended up working long hours at their own side jobs.

On the other hand, what was the work schedule like for the Shinsengumi, who were paid well but had to work hard?

Since there are no historical materials about the service shifts of the Shinsengumi members, I would like to speculate based on some records.

Since the Shinsengumi were often mobilized for emergencies, there were relatively few incidents, and I have referred to the events from the first year of the Genji Era to the second year of the Keio Era, when the organization seemed to be in place after the assassination of Serizawa Kamo.

Off-duty days?

In the first year of the Genji era, Tomizawa Chuemon, the village head of Hino and a fellow student, went to Kyoto and wrote in his diary that he often visited the headquarters.

According to this, on 2/2, Hijikata, Inoue, and Okita were at the headquarters from around noon to evening.

The following month, on 3/5, they attended the Peach Blossom Banquet hosted by Kondo and others. Kondo, Hijikata, Inoue, Okita, Todo and others were there and returned home the next morning.

On March 11, a cherry blossom viewing party was held. Kondo, Hijikata, Inoue, Okita, Toudou, and Takeda Kanryusai attended. After the banquet, they moved to Shimabara for an after-party, so it's likely that they returned home in the morning on this day as well.

Although we do not know the start time of either banquet, they must have been off duty that day or the next day.

The next month, on April 11, a farewell party was held for Tomizawa who had completed what he set out to do and was returning home. This was attended by Kondo, Hijikata, Inoue, and Okita. Since the party was held in the evening, it cannot be said that they were off duty.

Work days

Except for emergency dispatches such as the Ikedaya Incident, there is nothing that shows Okita's work days in the First Squad.

The mistaken arrest that caused trouble with the Higo clan was introduced in the article "Okita Souji's Apology Conference". If this was the work of the First Squad, 9/8 of Keio 1 is a work day.

On the other hand, for some reason, an attendance record still exists for Takeda Kanryusai and the 7th Squad.

Takeda was involved in the capture of Masuya (Furutaka Shuntaro) on 6/5 of the first year of the Genji era and the Akebonotei Incident on 6/10. It is believed that he belonged to the 3rd Squad at that time.

In the 7th Squad, Yano Shigetaro was captured on 5/12 in the leap month of Keio 1. On 9/12 of the following year, there is a record of Sanosuke Harada leading his unit to the Sanjo Noticeboard Incident.

It's noteworthy that in the Sanjo Noticeboard Incident, it's clear from the subsequent historical materials that Squads 3, 5, and 7 were deployed.

Although the 1st squadron was not dispatched, the other odd-numbered squads were all dispatched together, probably because they were on the same shift.

Morning shift, night shift, 3-day shift?

Then, assuming that the "Peach Blossom Banquet" was off-duty, I created a shift based on the same "three-day shift" as that of Edo Castle.

Then, the "Tomizawa's Farewell Party" was also off-duty for odd-numbered teams.

Also, Hijikata Kennosuke, a member of the Sennin Doshin (Thousand Men Army) who had come to Kyoto, visited the headquarters and held a drinking party on September 18, Keio 1 (1865) [edit: corrected typo], also off-duty, and Okita and Inoue of the First and Third Corps attended all the parties.

Furthermore, none of the days when Takeda and 7th Squad were deployed fell on off-duty days, but rather on work days.

However, 2/2, when Tomizawa visited, was a work day on this shift. Considering that Okita and the others were drinking until the evening, they may have been on a different shift before the "Peach Blossom Party," or they may have been on duty from the evening.

Since the Sanjo Noticeboard incident also did not involve the First Squad, it's also possible that they were on morning-duty on this day.

This is just a hypothesis, but I think that the Shinsengumi took turns off-duty for each even-numbered and odd-numbered squad, and that there was a morning shift and an evening shift on working days.

There is a high possibility that the work interval is a "3 days shift", but if it's based on odd or even numbers, there will be days when all employees are dispatched, so there may have been another group.

However, when Iba Hachiro went to Kyoto, he worked once every four days. Other diaries from the same period show consecutive days of work and consecutive holidays, which are irregular and depend on the organization.

The Shinsengumi's work schedule was announced in the morning, so even if there was a general schedule, it would have varied.

Incidentally, according to this schedule, the day Okita wrote a letter to his hometown informing them of Sannan's death fell on a day he was off duty.

It may have taken him a long time to write that painful letter...

References

「新選組日誌　(上)」菊地明・伊東成郎・山村竜也

「日本人は昔か��働き者?知ると深い「江戸の労働」濱田浩一郎

「幕末武士の京都グルメ日記　「伊庭八郎征西日記」を読む」　山村竜也　幻冬舎

「慶応元年御進発御用日記十九歳の長州出兵記録」　日野の古文書を読む会研究部会　日野市郷土資料館

「新選組史料大全」　菊地明

#shinsengumi #okita

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ladyxskywalker · 2 years

Text

July 2022 (part two)

fandoms featured on this list; moon knight, pedro pascal characters, the batman, the amazing spider man, bridgerton, oscar isaac, charlie hunnam, the originals / tvd, & misc./multi fandom 💫

thank you to the amazing fic writers for sharing some wonderful stories with all of us ! & to the kind readers for their support. 💙

please assume that all works & the blogs they belong to are 18+ only

mature adult content will be marked with a double asterisk **

be sure to check all warnings & tags before reading, feel free to skip if something isn't for you

& of course, enjoy responsibly

all the love xo A ☕

✨️ apologies for this month’s list being a little shorter than usual ! I had some things going on, so some of these are comfort reads, & repeats that I’ve read again, new things I’ve read, or various series that I’ve started. hope you enjoy ! & happy reading ! 🤗

please send me things to read ! favorite fics or something you've written that you're proud of ! 💌

find more monthly fic recs over on my masterlist, Aug 2022 coming soon ! ✨

please let me know if you would like to be removed

✨ new authors & characters added for the first time !

✨ some authors are mentioned more than once throughout the list, check to see if your works are there !

MOON KNIGHT

✨ Jake Lockley

Six Stops by @lcvenderblues (gn!reader)

Love in Bloom, & Sunday Kind of Love by @egcdeath

✨ Marc Spector

Happy Birthday by @writingforcurrentobsessions

✨ Steven Grant

Spirals And Skin by @clints-lucky-arrow (artist!steven) (tattooed!f!reader) **

Tilt, Shift, & Balance by @the-little-ewok (steven x f!reader, marc x f!reader) **

Who Wouldn’t Want That? & Darling, I Fancy You by @yespolkadotkitty (f!reader)

PEDRO PASCAL

✨ Ezra (Prospect)

Clarity by @ezrasbirdie (dentist!ezra universe) (f!reader) **

Daze by @iamskyereads (slice of life) (domestic ezra universe) (prof!f!reader) (cw: children) **

In the Dark (series) by @frannyzooey (cw: age gap) (f!reader) **

Where the Foxglove Grows by @mandoblowmybackout (plus size, neurodivergent, f!reader)

✨ Jack (Agent Whiskey) Daniels

Tangled Up (series) by @writeforfandoms (dragon rancher au) (f!reader)

✨ Marcus Pike

Desperado by @writeforfandoms (f!reader)

Starting Over (series) by @wardenparker , & @absurdthirst (f!reader) (cw: pregnancy, divorce)

✨ Oberyn Martell

Yes, I do? by @toomanystoriessolittletime (modern au) (escort!oberyn) (f!reader)

✨ Pero Tovar

Full Moon Confessions by @artemiseamoon (f!reader)

Risk by @forever-rogue (f!reader) (cw: pregnancy mention) **

✨ The Thief (Casillero del Diablo)

The Painting by @forever-rogue (f!reader)

✨ Misc. Pedro Pascal Characters

Euclidean Geometry by @leslie-lyman (modern au) (poly!relationship) (f!reader) **

How Did You Love (series) by @writeforfandoms (f!reader)

MISC./MULTI FANDOM

✨ Alfred Pennyworth (The Batman)

Penny For Your Thoughts (series) by @eupheme (cw: age gap, daddy kink) (f!reader) **

✨ The Amazing Spider Man (Andrew Garfield)

Approach Shift (series) by @psithurista (f!reader) **

Beautiful Distraction by @flightlessangelwings (gn!reader) **

✨ Bridgerton (Benedict Bridgerton)

Truth Unseen by @make-me-imagine (gn!reader)

✨ Bud Cooper (Oscar Isaac, Suburbicon 2017)

A Softer Side by @leiakenobi (f!reader) **

✨ Clash of the Titans (Draco, Mads Mikkelsen)

Of Gods and Men (series) by @KrystalFlare on fanfiction.net (draco x goddess oc) **

✨ Cobra Kai (Johnny Lawrence)

Challenger by @SecretSecret on ao3 (f!reader) **

✨ Duke Leto Atreides (Oscar Isaac, Dune)

The Sun on Your Skin by @writefightandflightclub (gn!reader) (touch starved reader)

✨ Joel Miller (The Last of Us)

Safe With You by @flightlessangelwings (f!reader)

Under the Cherry Blossom Trees by @flightlessangelwings (fluff, angst) (gn!reader)

✨ John Watson (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows)

The Doctor Is In by @cinewhore (black!f!reader) **

✨ The Originals / The Vampire Diaries

An Act That Brought You Joy (series) by @Merontheshore on ao3 (elena gilbert x klaus mikaelson, elena x elijah mikaelson, elena x kol mikaelson) **

The Artist (series) (a choose your own outcome story) by @brittishmenorbust on ao3 (f!reader)

Bienvenue (series) by @Merontheshore on ao3 (klaus mikaelson x ofc) (kol mikaelson x ofc) (elijah mikaelson & ofc) **

Endlessly Enough (series) by @brittishmenorbust on ao3 (damon salvatore x f!reader)

Labyrinth: A Bonnie Bennett x Klaus centric universe (series) by @artemiseamoon (bonnie bennett x klaus mikaleson) **

✨ Raymond Smith (Charlie Hunnam, The Gentlemen)

Right Hand Woman by @autumnleaves1991-blog (f!reader) **

✨ Rick Flag (DC, Joel Kinnaman)

Motivation by @loverhymeswith (f!reader)

✨ Roswell New Mexico (2019) (Alex Manes x Micheal Guerin)

here everyone knows (you’re the way to my heart) by @catchingpapermoons on ao3 (malex) **

** be sure to check out part one for star wars, the mandalorian, kenobi, rogue one, & triple frontier fic recs 📖

#moon knight fanfiction #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal character fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #tasm fanfiction #dune fanfiction #the originals fanfiction #oscar isaac character fanfiction #charlie hunnam character fanfiction #misc. multi fandom #pxk monthly fic recs 💫#pxk monthly reading list 💌

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1437purplehearts · 12 days

Text

JEON JUNGKOOK: UNEXPECTEDLY | Part 2

Masterlist

🥀Genre/tags: strangers to friends to lovers, girl next door, guy next door fame,jk, fluff, angst, smut, young adults (18+) may contain mentions of kissing, sex in numerous instances, it might get a bit explicit… (18+)

🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀

Y/N

Reaching the door of a small conference room off the left end of the first floor, I hear Nari’s voice as she mentions my name. A bit nervous to enter I took a deep breath before turning the handle my hand was resting on pushing it open softly. As I entered I get a good look at the person she was speaking to, before she stands from her seat next to the tall buff man who was dressed nicely in a casual grey button up shirt, unbuttoned by two buttons, a pair of black of trousers and who’s shoes were just as shiny and black as the short locks on his head which were neatly parted to the side and a few pieces dangling his face.

“Oh you’re here. That was a lot faster than I thought it would be for you to get here considering it’s hitting rush hour. How was the cab ride?” She made her way over to me to give me a quick hug before directing me to sit down on the empty lounge chair closest to her.

The room was small but it was enough to fit a black three seater couch, two arm chairs and a round coffee table that a large oval shaped Starseed Entertainment branded rug cushioned underneath it. They were placed strategically in front of the big windows that faced the back of the building which was just a huge courtyard made up of seating, cherry blossoms trees, a variety of other flowers and greenery. On the opposite wall a projector screen was installed I assume was used for presentations if anyone needed to and a built in storage unit sat beneath it. It wasn’t like one of those boring boardroom set ups that we would normally meet in with a big group whenever we worked on an important project.

“I actually got a ride here from a friendly neighbor. So not too bad.”

I made my way over and sat down placing my purse behind me. Nari had made her way back to her seat as well and gestured back and forth between me and the man next to her. He looked like he may have been around the same age as Nari. He had this really intense persona to him. I could tell he was mature and well educated. Probably what every girl writes in their diaries about when they describe their dream guy.

“Oh that’s great you’re getting acquainted with the other people living there. Y/n this is Namjoon. I was just telling him about how I met you and the work you did for XG. He’s filling in for his manager Lee Seojin today as he fell sick last minute and it was too late notice to reschedule. Also, Samh won’t be joining the meeting today either he was not so lucky to beat the rush hour today after going downtown to check the progress of the new filming site being set up for their next promotional video.” She informed me sweetly smiling as she always did.

“Nice to meet you.” I bow slightly from my seat as he does the same standing slightly to reach out and shake my hand before getting seated again. He smiled a genuine smile, I my heart couldn’t help but skip a beat as he scanned me quickly finding my eyes, which I diverted as his dimples caught my attention and I nearly melted from the exchange. I’m sure my cheeks were red as roses.

“Likewise.”

I clear my throat and shift my focus back to Nari as she begins filling me in on really important business proposal that she thought would be great for me to start making my own industry connections.

“Even though Samh is not here we can still get through the meeting. I can fill him in later about what we discussed just start because I don’t want to take up too much of Namjoons time.”

She picked up her tablet that was on the table and quickly read over some notes she made.

I pulled out my phone going over to my notes app just in case I needed to take any information down as well.

“So I believe I’ve mentioned it before but Starseed is looking to expand its resources potentially partnering with other big name companies like VIBE. Namjoon is actually one of the artists there.

Did she just say VIBE? Like the same VIBE JK said he worked for?

I was clearly surprised by this news. I was under the impression that Namjoon maybe might just be some sort of assistant. I wonder if he knows JK personally then? My eyes shot up over to him and I do another once over. Seeing the surprise on my face Nari quickly adds.

“I know you don’t have too much knowledge about some of the existing groups and solo artist from the Asian scene but that’s why I wanted you to come to this meeting today. The partnership with VIBE specifically would open so many opportunities for you. I want you to be our line of connection with them of course using your writing skills helping them bring their different groups and project concepts to life. Namjoon here has years of experience with networking and building professional relationships. He will be introducing you to the companies production team as they work on debut projects for the trainees there.”

I simply nod and Namjoon adds to the conversation.

“We have a team of people rather than an individual that helps with these things of course because there’s so much to do and many artists to handle. ”

“That’s right…” Nari points out. “I know we brought you here on the basis of just being one of our contracted writers but I know you are capable of much more and this just really feels like a great opportunity for you. I don’t think I’d trust anyone else with it if I’m honest. However it’s completely up to you if you feel comfortable enough accepting a bit more responsibility. What do you think?”

Trying my best not to fidget with the him of my skort or anything else that would make me look uncomfortable I folded my hands together and rested them on my lap, straightening my posture before replying.

“I think you’re right about it being a great opportunity….It’s definitely more than I would’ve imagined when I took the offer to work here. I’m really grateful and excited to be working with you…” I pause not sure if I should address him by Mr or just by his name.

“You can call me Joon. I don’t mind it.” He said smiling sweetly. “I really look forward to working with you too.”

“Thank you Joon.” I respond feeling less anxious and relaxing my shoulders a bit before Nari begins again.

“Awesome! Some work will be done here as usual but there are many occasions you will go to at the VIBE building to work with their team.”

“Yeah because our company houses so many artists and a lot of time needs to be split between them and it’s just easier if we don’t have to keep traveling back and worth to meet you here to go over things and as sets are being built for videos, photoshoots and performances… I’m sure you’ll be inspired everywhere you turn.” He adds.

“I can’t wait.” I smile thanking them both before I’m handed a business card from Namjoon as the meeting come to an end after Nari gets a call and excuses herself most likely to her office leaving the door open as I start to gather my belongs while he lingers a bit. It was silent for a moment before he spoke almost startling me.

“Man like this place is really something… I mean my company is definitely a place that draws one’s attention but this. This is dope. Really like…look at this courtyard.” He walks towards the window peering out. There were a few people walking through sitting and chatting.

I’m not sure why he was really sticking around but I had planned on going to my writers suite to work on a new song that I had stuck in my head and since we were done. I thought he’d be heading out too but I guess not.

“Yeah it reminds me of the place I first met Nari.” I decided to walk over and stand next to him to have a look. I quickly was made aware of how tall he actually was and made sure not to look directly at him as I’d feel really small even though I’m an average 5’5 in height.

“Yeah? How long have you know her?”

I was under the impression Nari would have told him when we met but I guess it wasn’t relevant to their conversation.

“About one year. 4 months. How about you?”

I feel his eyes on me. “I’ve known her since my trainee days. We are actually really close. It was easy to fill in for Lee Seojin because of our history. She seems quite fond of you.”

I let out a soft laugh. “Yeah well she sort of became one of my best friends but we still maintain a professional relationship most days. It has been none stop work since I got here and it only gets busier.”

“Trust me I know how it can get…” He says turning fully towards me now. “However, I’ll

make sure that you aren’t all work and no play.”

I raise an eyebrow at him only glancing for a few seconds before looking back out the window.

“I meant you will have a fair work life balance. I mean how do you stay inspired to write if you don’t have experiences to write about?”

“Right.”

I nodded in agreement. Most of my songs I write are about personal experiences or experiences that friends or family have shared with me. My imagination on it’s on wasn’t always enough. I’d end up writing about the same stuff over and over again.

“I’ve already invited Nari but there’s an art show happening soon that I think you should see. If you want to come?”

“Oh yeah sure I’d love that.”

I said and finally gain enough courage to face him directly and give him a friendly smile which of course he returns then looks over my head at the door which indicates he’s prepared to leave.

“Well I’ll see you around y/n. It really was nice to meet you.” With this he bows his head slightly then excuses himself out.

I waited at least two mins before exiting behind him to go to my writers suite where I wrote and played around with melodies on the keyboard and guitars that were left there for me to use as needed. Right before I turn to go up the staircase I spot Nari with Namjoon but this time instead of appearing like two professionals they were standing close enough to touch and whatever they were discussing wasn’t business related. I could tell by the blush in her cheeks and the deep dimples of his cheeks as he looked down at her affectionately. I giggle and make my way up the stairs before they saw me spying on them.

🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀

Hours go by with me in my suite it’s nearly 8PM and my phone buzzes from a text.

I pull it off the desk in front of me and see a text from Nari.

Kim Nari 🪷: Hey I’m getting ready to head out. What are you doing for dinner tonight?

Y/n 🥀: hmm I’m not sure tbh any suggestions?”

Buzzz Buzz

Kim Nari 🪷: I was thinking since it’s a friday night you’d want to have a night out? Before schedules start getting crazy. Which btw I will be sending you some calendar events.

Y/n 🥀: Yeah sure I’ve done enough writing for the day. I’ll book a ride home and meet you there after I change?

Kim Nari 🪷: Yeah sure I will send the address of the bar. See you there.

Buzz Buzz

I take a look at the address and grab my purse making sure to turn out the light as I exit the writer suite. No one else was still here besides me and the cleaners. I had to hurry home and get changed. I booked a ride share since of course my assistant was out and I didn’t know if I was ready to ask JK for a ride yet. There’s no reason for me to use him like he’s a personal driver. I’m just grateful he got me here this morning.

It takes them 10 mins to get here. I was already waiting at the bottom of the stairs and slide right in the back saying hello to the driver who was really nice. I arrive back home after 30 mins because of the evening rush. It’s now 8:40 pm plenty of time to get ready.

I slide off my shoes and hop in the shower before getting ready.

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“Yah! Where are you bro?” Tae shouts over the loud music thumping rhythmically in the background as he staring drunkenly at me through face time.

I chuckled and shake my head at him.

“I literally just got here. Had to park the Harley in a good spot.” I say as I continue locking up my helmet to my bike. Tae and Jimin invited me out tonight to this new club. I only agreed because I literally had nothing better to do and I needed something to get my mind off of my new neighbor. I hadn’t heard from her since this morning. Not that I’m keeping track or anything but I don’t know… I sorta thought she would use my number since I gave it to her and told her to call if she needed. I guess I shouldn’t expect to be needed? She barely knows me and I just so happened to do her a favor because it was just the right timing to do a good deed.

“Hurry your ass in here! Maybe try and get laid tonight too. You’ve been hiding away from us for 2 weeks.” Tae shouts at me and I roll my eyes. I know I didn’t need to show up to work for a few more days so I just enjoyed the alone time and bonding with Beaumi. I’m not really that into taking random girls home to expend my energy and kick out immediately after.

It’s too risky to do that anyway. There’s always someone lurking around with a camera waiting to take the perfect photo of me to try and expose me for shit that normal people do everyday, like breathe.

“The only one trying to get laid is you. Also I haven’t been hiding from anyone.” I state as I start to walk towards the back entrance of this bar just like Jimin instructed me to do. There was a tall guard standing directly in front of the door dressed in all black with matching black shades so you couldn’t see his eyes. He sees me and immediately steps aside to let me pass.

“Anyway I’m coming inside bye.” I don’t give him a chance to respond and nod a thank you to the guard and step through the red door. It was nearly pitch black but floor lights lined the floor just enough you could see where you were stepping and two doors with lights right above them one to the front

of the bar the other probably some sorta of dressing room or storage. I could not only hear the thumping music but I could now feel it. This meant the DJ booth was somewhere close by too. I stepped through the door to the front.

Neon lights and beams light up the place just enough you could make out the silhouettes of everyone and find your way to the bathroom and bar but if you were looking for faces it was a bit hard to see. I squinted my eyes as I try to remember the directions Jimin gave to meet them once I was in. The floor was huge and crowded but it had a second level peering out above it. I turn to my right to find a set of stairs the opposite side of where the DJ booth was indeed located on a raised stage and made my way up. The lights were a bit brighter here and I could see thee drunk Tae dressed in a red suit no shirt with only a few buttons keeping him from being completely exposed, with slicked back blonde hair with dark roots. Throwing back what’s probably like his 20th shot of alcohol.

Jimin sits to the side away from him on the black leopard patterned lounge sofa. His hair slicked back a bit more messily then Taes and he was dressed in all black a mesh top underneath exposing just enough to look the way only Jimin could. There were a couple of random girls and guys sitting or standing next to them. Specifically one guy dressed in all white the complete opposite of Jimin with messy long hair staring at him from behind his glass of alcohol while he leaned on a near by wall. Jimin completely unaware I chuckle to myself and make it over to them.

“I see you definitely got some eyes on you tonight.” I tease as Jimin looks up confused. I tilt my head over to the admirer and one look from Jimin was all it took for the guy to shyly excuse himself intimidated by his beauty.

“Ah shit!” Jimin shouts a bit annoyed because he scared him away.

I stand there amused when Tae finally sees me and daps me up, barely able to do so without stumbling a bit and almost splling his entire drink on the girl sitting next to Jimin who was also staring him down.

“Woahh be careful dude.” I say as I keep him steady and pat him on the back. Giving the girl a super apologetic expression. Jimin quickly comes to her rescue grabbing a ton of napkins from the table offering to clean her up. She seemed shocked and just agreed. Probably because who in their right mind would pass up on the opportunity to be wiped down by Jimin in public? I shake me head even more amused before I try and direct Taes ass to sit back down and forceful handing him a bottled water from the table. There were so many empty shot glass and beer on the table my own stomach started to hurt and I hadn’t even order a drink yet. I’m definitely gonna need one dealing with this guy.

Tae sits with a grunt and unscrews the bottom lazily then chugs the bottle until it was flat then discards it on the table with the others, then lets out a big burp and had Jimin ready to scold him. Tae laughs at himself.

“I see you’ve wasted no time to try what

looks like the entire bar menu…” I say taking a seat on the edge of the couch. “What’s good?”

“What kind of question is that Kook?” Tae asks side eyeing me then taking a grip of my shoulder and shouts one of the servers over.

“Hey Reina! Get my guy here one of your finest beers.” He says winking at her.

“Sure thing.” She winks back walking away to get what he asked.

He of course took the opportunity to also stare at her ass. Which was barely being covered by the short skirt she was wearing. She was a tall girl, sporting a neck length bob, and you could see from the way her hair was parted behind her ear the hidden blonde streaks. She had a small but defined nose, lips just the same and her eyes were shaped like a foxes.

“You’re also clearly already well acquainted with the staff.” I point out.

“Ha yeah well. I’m gonna be trying to get a lot more than acquainted tonight.” He states as she comes back handing me the beer clearly hearing him.

“Hey Reina, join me on the floor?” He states as he’s leaned back on the couch manspreading.

She just stares at him almost unsure how to respond but of course…

“Take the lead I’ll follow.”

Next thing you know Tae springs off the couch taking her hand pulling her away to the dance floor. I shake my head and take a sip of my beer.

“So where the hell have you been?” Jimin asks scooting closer to me holding a glass of what I know is straight liquor.

I shrug. “I really just been trying to adjust back to normal. Trips to the gym, bonding with Beaumi, I’ve been to the office a few times but you know I didn’t really have anything scheduled during this time.”

He takes a sip of his glass before responding. “Yeah I admit coming back after all we went through it’s been a bit weird. Especially because there’s been a bit of drama surrounding the company. You know some crazy lady was plotting to take VIBE down while we were away?”

I shake my head and turn to him. “Who isn’t trying to do that? Like seriously even when we aren’t away.” I state.

“It’s ridiculous that so many people really can’t stand to see us be successful.”

“That’s the price of fame I guess.” I shrug taking another sip of my beer and stand up to lean over the balconies edge.

I squint scanning around the place taking in all the details of the club and just as my thoughts go to drift. Right in the line of a spot light pointed near the entrance, I see her. She was with someone who looked familiar. I studied her face which was freshly but gently coated in makeup as she turned her head to the person next to her I catch reflections of shimmer on her skin. She was wearing a sleeveless black laced dress, curls were hanging down brushing her shoulders, a big change from the bun she sported this morning. I gulp and a take another drink of my beer before looking her way again. She must have been looking about as well because we locked eyes and she looked just as surprised to see me. I lift my bottle in her direction as if to say hello and she smiles before being dragged away into the dark by her friend.

I smile to myself and take another sip of my beer before turning back to Jimin.

“You been down on the floor yet?” I ask him.

He stands joining my side peeking over the edge. Spotting Tae who was letting Reina grind against him as they danced.

“Not yet. I was waiting to let everyone get a bit more drunk before taking the floor. Tae has definitely accomplished that. We probably shouldn’t stay too far from him though. No telling what he’d get into without supervision.” Jimin states turning back to the girl on the couch holding his hand out for her. She accepts it as he signals me to follow him down.

I follow them but once we reach the others I can’t help but wonder where y/n went off to. I’m just there shuffling back and forth to the music nodding my head until I spot her by the bar. I tap Jimin to let him know I was going to get another beer and head in her direction.

As I get closer I can see her smile more clearly as she laughs at whatever her friend was saying. There was an empty chair two away from hers I silently take as she continued to talk to her friend oblivious to my presence.

“Haha I’m telling you…he’s so sweet and I’d been crushing on him for years even though we were just friends. We hung out at this art show together one time and he got to talking all this deep talk about what he thought the art meant and how it made him feel in relation to his current life and the lives he’s watched others experience. How it inspired him to write and I swear I had to have been so mesmerized by his words that I just stared at him until he stopped talking and smiled with those dimples of his. They definitely are dangerous. Practically illegal the way they make my heart skip. He asked me out on a real date and we have been sorta together.” He friend narrates her story to y/n as the bartender starts in my direction I slide my glass over for a refill.

“It sounds like you’re in love haha.” Y/n teases.

“Ha… yeah love… is a strong word y/n.” I couldn’t see her face but I can imagine the cringe on her friends face the way she says it.

“I mean if Namjoon wasn’t the person he was I wouldn’t have gotten myself into anything with him. I can’t say that I’m opposed to falling that deep but I’m just not there yet.”she finishes.

I furrow my brows at the mention of Namjoon’s name and shift slightly enough to try and make out her friend’s face. Which when I do, I immediately remember who she was.

This was the girl NJ had been spending a lot of time with even before enlistment. I knew her from our trainee days but I personally didn’t get all that close with her. She was always really nice whenever she’d come around with the company she was interning for, to chat business with Lee Seojin. Joon was apart of most of those meetings of course as the leader of our group. so naturally he got to know her more personally. Nari was her name. It comes to me now that I heard y/n say it in the elevator earlier today and when she was telling me about where she worked. I don’t know why I didn’t pick this up then. Probably because I was too distracted by the beauty sitting next to me now.

“Hmm I guess that makes sense. You always told me there’s more red flag potential here than there is green. Just from the conversation had with him earlier I can tell he’s a rare one.” Her soft voice carries on.

“Yeah veeeeery rare.” Nari chuckles.

“I can only imagine what’s it like to even be mutually in like with anyone. I haven’t even ever had a boyfriend.” she groans.

I lift my brow still eavesdropping.

“What? Seriously y/n? Never?”

“No… I feel like I’ve always picked the wrong ones. I always liked them too much and they never cared to get to know me and like me for me. They only wanted one thing and I stupidly thought I could convince them I was more and they would actually care.” She shrugs then sips her nearly empty drink.

What she doesn’t say is that she once allowed herself to indulge in the thing that they most wanted with one guy who she’d become friends with in college, before a crush developed and he broke her heart into pieces that she didn’t think could be repaired. After what he did to her she lost nearly all the motivation to believe she could ever experience a genuine connection. She lived in survival mode most her life too. So trust wasn’t all that easy for her to extend when it comes to romantic relationships. Her father was a non existent her mom couldn’t be there emotionally for her growing up because she was working so hard to raise her. Her mom was always too tired to do anything more than provide basic parenting. She loved her mom either way but she didn’t have the sort of bond with her as all her other friends did with theirs. She would spend lots of time on her own wishing for what could’ve been.

“Damn I’m sorry…” Nari says as my heart silently breaks for her knowing there’s probably more there than she is sharing and I take a peek at her.

She shakes her head waving it off twirling around her straw in the now empty glass. The bartender notices and attempts to tend to her.

“Would you like another miss?” He asks her. He was a simple looking guy slim frame, dark hair, dressed in black shortsleeved dress shirt and name tag.

“Yeah please.” I’m assuming she didn’t open a tab because she goes to pull out her card to pay but before she does I move just next to her at the bar addressing the bartender.

“Could you put whatever she’s had or wants tonight on my tab please?” I say completely aware that she’s probably in shock from experiencing yet another good deed from me in the first 24hrs of us officially becoming acquainted.

“Oh no… ha you don’t have to do that.” She laughs nervously as the bartender moves to fulfill my request.

I turn to her the corner of my lip turned up into a slight smile as she faces me now when he doesn’t acknowledge her reluctance to allow me to pay, looking shy the way she had the first time we bumped into each other the night before. Nari is looking at me too surprised of my coincidental presence but doesn’t say anything as I nod a hello towards her and she smiles in return probably not wanting to kill the moment with the acknowledgement that she knows me.

“Y/n I’m gonna go to the restroom before we hit the floor. Be right back.” Nari gets up before a reply could be rendered and makes her way through the crowd leaving us alone.

Y/n scuffs a little under her breath at Nari because she didn’t even know if I was a complete stranger or not.

“I know I didn’t have to. I thought it would be nice. The way it is running into you here.” I seat myself once more directly beside her never moving my gaze from her eyes. They were studying me now just the same. I couldn’t help but peep the fleeting sadness in them. I shift my eyes to her hands as she nervously played with them until the bartender was back with her drink and watched her take a sip.

“You know It’s really funny that we keep bumping into each like this. I’m starting to think it’s not a coincidence and I actually have a stalker situation at hand.” She jokes as she turns to me with her straw in her mouth as she takes another sip.

I glare playfully as I tilt my head feening as I’ve taken offense to her words.

“If I’m not mistaken I recall I arrived here first. So it must be you doing the stalking then?” I say with a challenging lift of my brow.

“Only a stalker would know exactly when I arrived.” She challenges me back, causing a cheeky grin to creep onto my face.

“Touché.” I poke my inner cheek with my tongue and advert my eyes to the dance floor before they find there way back to her face.

“So… uh… how was your day?” I ask her.

She snorts putting her drink down turning her back to the bar to face the floor.

“My day was pretty good. It wasn’t too busy I just had my meeting and discovered I’ll be taking duties assisting the production team at VIBE.” As she says this she side eyes me.

I feel the nervous heat trailing up my body. How am I going to hide from her who I am if she’s literally going to work under my nose and she’s close to someone who knows? I run my fingers through my hair. Which was still pretty long but I had decided to have it trimmed a little bit into a wolf cut earlier today to keep it a bit more tamed and to keep myself distracted from waiting for a possible text from the very person I’m looking at now. I sense her gaze on me as I do this.

“Oh so I’ll be seeing you not only in my living quarters but also at my place of work? Also like what are the chances we end up in the same bar,at the same time, on the same night?” I point out.

I hear her snort again followed by a breathy giggle. Why do I find that sound so adorable?

“You really are trying to make your case for the stalking allegations huh?” She asked amused.

I chuckle shrugging. “I mean you’re not really providing evidence that suggests otherwise.”

“Touché.” She mimics my earlier answer in defeat.

The music suddenly gets louder as Nari makes her way back to us. I stand up finishing off my beer. She sips the last of her drink as well watching me. I turn to her just as Nari reaches us glancing curiously between us two.

“Care to dance?” I ask them. Holding out my hand for y/n to take.

She looks at Nari for confirmation and she speaks up.

“Sure why not? We didn’t come to just sit on our asses. Let’s party!” Nari says beginning towards the floor bouncing her shoulders up and down in a playful manner.

We follow ending up not too far from the guys and their companions for the night. Tae sees us and gives me weird wink probably thinking I scored for the night. He taps Jimin to look over too but he just rolls his eyes at Tae and continues minding his business dancing. I laugh to myself and start to feel warm as the beer begins to hit me and I can tell the drinks are hitting y/n too as she starts dancing with Nari. The club played a mixture of Korean and western music but Feel something by Chris brown is what the DJ decided to slow things down with.

She sways her hips left and right running her hands up her side until her hands were in the air. I’m watching her intently as I dance to the rhythm. Nari was in her own world dancing and mouthing the lyrics and didn’t pay us any attention.

Y/n winds her hips in a circle slowly turning her back towards me but not quite touching me. My eyes trail from her bare back down her body studying the direction of which her hips go. The loose skirt of her dress following suit. I grip my bottom lip in between my teeth subtly daring to get closer as she feels my presence at her backside. She turns her head ever so slightly to look at me over her shoulder. I peer down at her taking in her scent as we dance dangerously close but still untouching. I glup as she turns to face me, eyes on my chest. Her body moves meticulously to the changes in the melody and she begins to dance into Nari whose back was turned into hers. I take my eyes off her hips and meet her eyes stepping closer as she reaches out to pull me in gently by my shortsleeved v-neck,silky, black shirt. Tattoos and muscles exposed. I raise a brow at her and she shrugs it off. Our faces were inches away now I could feel her breath on me. I reach to take her hand from my chest smirking at the surprised expression twinkling in her eyes as I pull it up to my shoulder and slowly grip onto her waist making sure not to move my hands anywhere else. I see her blush as a beam of light flickers past her face she focuses downward as we continue to dance into each other. I tilt my head courteously and take my hand from her waist, using hers to turn her around so her back was to me again. She takes the bait as Feeling lucky by Bibi and Jackson Wang starts to play changing the pace. I feel her lower half shyly brushed against my lower half but I didn’t push her to get closer.

Nari continues to dance along in front of her mentally noting the intensity we were creating on the floor. From the corner of my eye I see Jimin and Tae approaching with their dance partners following them. Reina holding a serving plate with shots. She offers us one and I take one for me and hand y/n one as our bodies part from each other.

“Wooahhh fuck!” Tae shouts after downing his shot.

Jimin of course takes his with a straight face as the rest of us scrunch our faces at whatever concoction Reina just handed us she disappears with the empty glasses before returning. Tae leans on my shoulder now taking a good look at y/n then back at me patting my back. I rolls my eyes and shake him off glad she didn’t notice because she continues dancing now with the other girls.

Jimin standing beside me also looks at her then at me. “Well well what do we have here?”

“No idea.” I shake my head grinning to myself after responding, not caring to entice them with any information about my new neighbor yet. Especially because I’m completely unsure what is happening here.

We continued the night taking more shots and dancing until we couldn’t anymore ending back up on the upper level trying to sober up at bit by eating some bar food. I was sitting back against the couch with my eyes closed trying to protect them from the lights y/n next to me struggling to eat the fries in front of her.

“Hey y/n I’m going to head home you coming with or?” Nari asks her as she grabs her bag to head out eyes flickering back and forth between me and y/n. I wasn’t aware of this with my eyes closed but y/n voice has my eyes fluttering open. She was clearly drunk.

“I..mhm..you go I need to sober up a bit more before I move anywhere.” She says laughing at herself as she misses her mouth as she tries to bite into the handful of fries she was holding.

Amused I glance over at her. Clearly not as affected by the alcohol.

“Jungkook…Can you make sure she goes home safely?” Nari asks me.

I look between her and her drunk friend and nod. “Sure.”

Nari glares down at me challengingly .“You better or I’ll have your head, got it?” She threatens.

I sit up nodding at her not really intimidated because I know she means well. “You can count on me.”

Satisfied with my answer she hugs y/n before waving at the other’s disappearing down to the floor.

I look over at y/n spotting an unopened water bottle, I grab it twisting the top before taking her hand placing it there for her to take a drink. She doesn’t fight it and takes a few sips in between eating the rest of the fries. I look over at Tae and Reina as she’s trying to sober him up from the 100 drinks he’s downed tonight. Which I know will result in the worse hangover of his life tomorrow when he wakes up but he will somehow magically recover to fully function at work.

I shake my head shifting my gaze to Jimin. He wasn’t nearly as affected by the alcohol as any of us. He was just leaned comfortably on the couch with his companions head laid on his chest watching the lights. He might not be unfiltered the way Tae was but I knew he wasn’t going home alone tonight.

Once I felt sober enough I help y/n up from her seat and say goodbye to them.

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After heading out the back entrance before the bar started clearing out, I walk her to my bike.

I wasn’t too drunk to drive it home and luckily I kept a spare helmet in the storage compartment hooked to the back of my bike. With one hand holding onto y/ns waist to steady her enough she doesn’t fall, I unlock the compartment and grab the helmet closing it back.

“Ok now you miss will need to sit in front of me so I can make sure you don’t fall off here.”

I help her sit on the bike with her legs swinging off to one side making sure her dress doesn’t lift. I feel a tug on my dark pants as I step back.

“Uh…” I start but see her eyes are closed when I look to her face.

Her bracelet was caught on the loop probably happened when I leaned over her to make sure she was on correctly.

She’s just there patiently waiting for me to take her away completely unaware of the current situation. Before I could let my mind drift off and acknowledge how peacefully cute she looked, I shake my thoughts away and untangle the bracelet ears hot from the weird placement.

I then place the helmet onto her head making sure the strap is secured. The helmet was a bit big but it would be enough to protect her if anything happened but I’d never let it.

I hop onto the bike behind her leaving just enough personal space between us. I loop my arms around her frame caging her in on both sides, grabbing the handles before setting the bike stand free with a kick, starting the engine it to go.

Her arms were rested on her lap. Which is not the best place for them as we have quite a lengthy ride to our destination.

“Before I take off completely you should hold on to something at least.” I say to her.

“…and you can lean back into me too if it makes you feel more secure.” I add with my nerves nearly taking over me.

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Y/N

I felt warm and relaxed as I listen to JKs voice behind me. Just like the air was too…warm, so was the sound his vocal cords made while speaking. I hum in drunken satisfaction as I feel a breeze and follow his direction leaning back into his chest. I can feel his heart beating quickly but I’m not sober enough to question it. I hear him clear his throat, body stiffening slightly as I loop my hands around his waist for security as I was seated in a sort of cradle position in front of him and rest my head on his shoulder. His hands adjust their grip on the handles and I feel him relax a bit before he pulls away down the street back to our apartment building.

We arrive only 30 mins later entering the garage. The familiar wet rubbery smell engulfing my nose. I was nearly all the way asleep but as Jk puts down the break I feel the now cold air take over me as he strips away his warm body from mine bracing himself to climb off. I sit there pouting arms crossed with my eyes still closed refusing to move when I hear his chuckle. Only then did I open them.

“Did I disturb your nap?” He ask with this annoyingly attractive amused grin on his face.

I roll my eyes, sighing and slide off the bike slowly but surely. He takes my hand to steady me then reaches to unbuckle the big helmet on my head. I stare lazily at him as he does this studying his face as his brows furrow in focus. From his forehead to his lips and then…oh? The tiny mole underneath them on his chin. He finally gets it loose then lifts it from my head. I’m still staring at the mole because I can’t seem to get over how cute it was sitting there on his face. He looks at me confused. “Is there something on my face?”

I giggle and shake my head. “Nooo I’m just tired.” I lie and say knowing it didn’t make any sense to say.

He licks his lips looking into the reflection of the shiny black helmet before deciding to let it go before putting helmet away. Then we make our way to the elevator then up to the 6th floor. The elevator ride up was quiet and felt like it was going in slow motion as I lean against the wall closing my eyes again trying to take a quick nap until the door dings open.

“Mmmfh.” I groan and force myself from the wall that I wished was my bed. Jk was the first to exit the elevator watching me carefully as I make my way into the hallway. He doesn’t leave me to walk to my door alone and as I fumble over my feet, then with my purse for my keys he stands there patiently with his hands in his pocket. When it feels like ten years of searching blindly for them I pull them out and struggle to unlock the door. I feel his soft but slightly calloused hand on mine gently prying the key away and unlocking the door for me.

I turn to him. “Thanks.”

He bows slightly chewing his lip ring as he straightens himself. “Will you be alright getting yourself to bed?” He asks clearly concerned I would somehow injure myself on the way to my bed.

I give him a lazy smile as I step into my apartment. “I’ll be fine…good night Jungkook.” I said pronouncing his name correctly this time unlike the first time I’d said it. His face showed his appreciation for it before he steps away.

“Good night y/n.” He says before he turns to go the opposite end of the hall I close it once he’s opened his door and head towards my bed stripping away each layer of clothing as I do, deciding I could totally wash off my makeup in the morning as my head hits my pillow eyes closed for good tonight.

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Thank you for reading 💜

xx JungkooksSnakebite xx

#bangtan #jungkook #boynextdoor #girlnextdoor #jjk fanfic #jjk x reader #jjk #ongoing

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interr-ordinant · 2 months

Text

♱ permashift diary 001 . . .

SHIFT ; home multiverse, alternate earth

DURATION ; 48 hours apprx.

VIBE ; intense ( ´~｀)

✶ THE SHIFT

I made my first shift attempt in the last two months and it went...well, more or less. I set my intention on wanting to see my partner in particular, since he invited me to do it.

In this instance; I set the intention as I fell asleep and I disconnected from this reality at some point. Specifically, I knew I didn't want to experience this reality right now, but I didn't identify myself with the concept of "not being able to experience the reality I wanted". As a matter of fact, I was just noticing my thoughts after that intention set. It's hard to describe bodily sensations because I don't always vibrate. The last thing I remember feeling was a prickling, numb feeling and sleep coming over me.

I woke up at his estate. The first day went pretty straightforward as far as vacations go. I spent time relaxing from jetlag, by the evening we got some stuff at the convenience store and went over our itinery again. He didn't go over the second day, which is my focus point for this entry.

Apparently, we planned a picnic brunch in his frontyard, by the river that ran through the village. I don't know why he chose Korea, I don't know much about the country if anything, but it was definitely a happy first to finally (in that reality) take a trip with him after exams to his 'hometown'. Since he mentioned exams, this had to be 2020 as this version of me also took a break from school and started working instead.

I don't mark every period of my life in other realities, but certain parts of my life have themes and elements. This one was me addressing some trauma I'd gone through, because my memories auto-adjust 80% of the time (I scripted this, so I'm happy it worked for me).

One of the traumas that came up was past life trauma. Reincarnation is a big thing in my reality, so we're past life partners that reconnected. Everyone else connected to us, myself included, have amnesia about the past because we chose to be human, but he didn't. He's one of the only people out there with perfect clarity due to never taking that deal in the first place.

I remember he tried setting up the boat so we could take a ride after brunch and I watched him, trying not to get peach juice all over my dress. It kept dripping all over my hand. I've also never had a peach before! The best way I could describe it is like, a little sour, like the cherries I get in the summertime?

My outfit was extremely soft, super frilly. Something I like, but would never wear where I'm from. The weather would be far too hot. Here, the weather was overcast. I remember laughing and saying: "I wish it was easier to do things in life."

He told me; "Regardless of your living, it's still a living that you control." and that really stuck. I know the 'person' doesn't control anything, it's what " " entertains that is, I figured that's what he meant; what am I entertaining that allows life to be difficult?

Once I woke up it made me take a look into my personal intentions, my discipline in shifting (there's a difference between being lazy and being completely unengaged, and I'm usually the latter.)

✶ THE RETURN

He's always been pretty nurturing...in his own way. Collected, funny, somewhat soft, but more of a seek-him-out type of person. He told me that most of the time he has no idea how to approach me when it comes to these touchy subjects, so this was actually a very good opportunity to get him to open up on what happened back then. I didn't take it well? Not as well as I thought I would.

I know the event on paper, and have even met that past self many times before - but I wasn't ready for the stuff he'd confess to enduring or actively participating in. I wasn't ready for it to pile ontop of all the guilt I already had in my life about many things in this point, and I really couldn't cope with it. It's a whole other thing to intend to explore certain experiences and grow from them - than to experience their enormity in real time.

I won't claim authority, but based on experience: I want to point out that the one thing about 'returns' are that they're absolutely intended to occur. It's not a fragile trigger, but can be something that coincides with an experience, or lack of a specific experience. There is no external cause for this.

— expanding —〘 While it's something subconsciously intended to happen, it's not unchangable, or no one would be able to shift lol. It's also as much of a mindset thing as it is an overfocus on the identity's/mind's dictation. 9/10 mindset doesn't matter, it's how much leeway you're giving it to affect the experience.

The intention itself comes from the experience you're entertaining. This is something I struggle with, but recently came to understand it with more clarity than before. 〙

Getting back to the shift; I shifted back mid-argument, a lot of 'why didn't you', and 'how come you didn't', that I'm not sure my partner was happy about. He wasn't angry, but as I said, he's not a human being. His reaction freaked me out more than just the entire fact of him.

By the time I woke up, I ended up oversleeping here. I also nursed a raging headache which isn't common, but isn't abnormal either. Shifting, at least in my experience, can be mentally, energetically or physically jolting on levels a person who's acclimated to a certain mode of living for most/all their lives can't understand.

This doesn't happen all the time, more like when I'm not conditioned. This time, I was physically and mentally exhausted, the actual contents of the shift don't help much either.

✶ THE AFTERMATH

After I got through my headache and some painkillers, I went to see the eclipse. It wouldn't show in my country so I watched online. Loved it, obviously, I set intentions over it too. I just couldn't stop thinking about what happened though. The experience was so intense and vivid that I'm feeling the usual adrenaline jitters along with the awe. I'd love to explore that personal thing about control my partner mentioned, but at a later, more personal time.

#me to i #diary #reality shifting #desired reality

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bradfordfotos · 10 months

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if you’re hearing LIONHEARTED BY PORTER ROBINSON playing, you have to know JOSHUA BRADFORD (HE/THEY; DEMIMALE) is near by! the TWENTY-FOUR year old PHOTOGRAPHER has been in denver for, like, HIS ENTIRE LIFE. they’re known to be quite CRITICAL, but being CHARISMATIC seems to balance that out. or maybe it’s the fact that they resemble MICHAEL CIMINO. personally, i’d love to know more about them seeing as how they’ve got those DIFFERENT COLORED CREWNECKS, THE SOUND OF THE SHUTTER GOING OFF, AND CALLUSES ON FINGERS FROM PLAYING GUITAR vibes. and maybe i’ll get my chance if i hang out around the CHERRY CREEK DISTRICT long enough!

○ ′ ✨ loved by taco

○ ′ ✨ ––––––––––––––––––– 001

𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 joshua emmanuel bradford 𝐍𝐈𝐂𝐊𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 josh , jeb ( best friends ) . 𝐃𝐎𝐁 september 21, 1998 𝐀𝐆𝐄 twenty - four 𝐙𝐎𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐂 virgo 𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑 demi - male 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐒 he/they 𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 panromantic, pansexual 𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄 denver, colorado 𝐇𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐎𝐖𝐍 denver, colorado 𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐔𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐒 english and spanish 𝐎𝐂𝐂𝐔𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 photographer

○ ′ ✨ ––––––––––––––––––– 002

𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐄𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐈𝐌 michael cimino 𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐑 dark brown/black 𝐄𝐘𝐄𝐒 dark brown 𝐇𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 5′9″ 𝐏𝐈𝐄𝐑𝐂𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 both ears pierced 𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐎𝐎𝐒 crown on his shoulder, quote on side, arrow on right arm 𝐒𝐓𝐘𝐋𝐄 white and black t-shirts, plaid shirts, crewnecks, hoodies, silver locket, skater shoes, ripped jeans.

○ ′ ✨ ––––––––––––––––––– 003

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 mediator ( infp ) 𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐄 imaginative, thoughtful, passionate, charismatic, creative 𝐍𝐄𝐆𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐄 critical, sensitive, self-isolating, unrealistic 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐓 photography, singing, playing guitar, painting, writing, content creating, working out, hiking, swimming 𝐀𝐃𝐃𝐈𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 iced coffee

○ ′ ✨ ––––––––––––––––––– 004

𝐅𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 william bradford, fifty, fashion photographer 𝐌𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 emma bradford, fourty-seven, attorney 𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇 𝐌𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 lucy davis, deceased 𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇 𝐅𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 unkown 𝐒𝐈𝐁𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 carleigha ortiz (half sibling), thirty three, librarian @xallmywolvesx

○ ′ ✨ ––––––––––––––––––– 005

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐋𝐒 peter parker ( spiderman ) , clay jensen ( 13 reasons why ) , elena gilbert ( the vampire diaries ) , miguel rivera ( coco ) , betty cooper ( riverdale ) , luke skywalker ( star wars ) , nico hiraga, timothee chalamet , evan mock

○ ′ ✨ ––––––––––––––––––– 006 tw ; death, car accident

when it came to the bradford family, they were considered the perfect all american family. william a well known fashion photographer, who grew up with wealth but still made a name for himself. emma bradford, an attorney, who's story really inspired people that no matter where you come from you can still become someone. and the moment joshua was adopted, it was like he had the whole world at the palm of his hands. his parents encouraging him to do whatever his heart desired.

joshua's story could have been different though. the first five years of his life he was raised by an amazing woman, his birth mother, lucy davis. his father was never in the picture, and that was okay, because he had lucy. but one night after a shift at the night and dine, a storm was brewing. driving back home was more difficult than expected, and out of nowhere a truck came driving towards her, ending in disaster.

with no record of his father, and there not being a next of kin to take joshua, he was eventually placed with the bradfords, who fostered the young josh. and they had fallen in love with joshua, even when he was so quiet and timid to begin with, but once he felt comfortable, they love how thoughtful, creative and sweet he was. they knew that they wanted him, and they decided to adopt him.

growing up with the bradfords, he was coming to his own. he loved his parents, and he loved what they did, always interested in what they do, specifically with his father's photography. his creative side being shown more and more, it was clear where his interest lied. so his parents had gotten him his first camera at thirteen. and his love for photography grew, amongst the rest of the arts.

he had accomplished a lot in his quarter life. winning photo competitions, going to college, and graduating with a business and photography degree. and now, he wants help young artist fulfill their dreams just like he was fulfilling his own. but there was still one thing he wanted to do before he started it all, he wanted to find who his birth father is. the problem was, there was no information on him. and he felt like it was finding a needle in a haystack. but he wasn't going to give up.

○ ′ ✨ ––––––––––––––––––– 007

currently living with his parents as he figures out the next step in his life.

joshua has been trying to find any information on who is birth father is.

has found the last name of his biological father and landing on two families in town.

has been volunteering his time at l'arte district, wanting to host a young arts gallery in the future.

has eyes for a certain man, who also has become a bit of a muse.

is feeling ready to move out and looking for apartments in denver.

○ ′ ✨ ––––––––––––––––––– 008

WANTED CONNECTIONS

a love so powerful: this is the person that joshua never saw coming. yes, he has been in relationships before, and has hooked up with others, but this man really was someone he fell for first. the thing was, did he even feel the same? he never got so flustered like this before. and josh really is stuck feeling like that one awkward teenager he once was.

you are my brother: can be someone he grew up with and they are inseparable or possible the bradford's birth child. either way, him and joshua have been attached to the hip, and whenever one is around, so is the other. so watch out, cause they might bring some chaos.

best friends for life: if there was one person josh confided in practically everything, it was always his best friend. she's the girl that he tended to gravitate around for years, they even shared their first kiss together, and tried the dating, but decided that being friends was the right move. she's the one he always cared what she thought.

from bully to friends: it's crazy how the jock and the art kid once to hate each other. tale as old as time. but growing up had changed them both. one night out together and they ended up having a good time. who would have thought these unlikely duo would be good friends.

OTHER CONNECTIONS

friends

exes

photographer friends

model/fashion friends

old classmates

#○ ′ ✨ take note cause everything is all laid out ⦗ pinned ⦘#chq;intro #death tw #car accident tw

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cherryio · 10 days

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𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐑𝐘 𝐄𝐘𝐄𝐒

ESSENTIAL INFORMATION : ↴

CHERRY TALK is a 6 member girl group that debuted on 07.07.23 under STARSHIP ENT. The lineup consists of : Seoyeon, Jisun, Yena, Sumin, Minju and Elizabeth.

GROUP THINGS : ↴

logo :

members (oldest to youngest) :

Roh Jisun (11.23.98)

Choi Yena (09.29.99)

Bae Sumin (03.13.01)

Yoon Seoyeon (08.06.03)

Park Minju (05.11.04)

Elizabeth (11.06.06)

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the-martyrfication-of-the-matron · 2 years

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Give me Travis. Everything about him. Please? Pretty please with a cherry on top 🥺🥺🥺

Everything??

That’ll take a while.

Of course he’s half demon warlock, on Terry/Micheal’s side, and he’s also half god on Enki’s side which I think I’ve spoken about before but hey.

He’s trans.

His demon form has four arms because I watched Lego ninjago recently, and it also has goat legs, teeny little horns, huge fangs and he has a little tail that swooshes around all the time.

He’s able to turn his head a whole 180°, climb walls that are at a 91° angle, and swallow snakes twice the length of his body whole.

His favourite fruit are kiwi, which he eats with the skin on unless he’s provided a teeny spoon to eat them with. He also likes grapes and strawberries.

He can hibernate, though he chooses not to.

He can climb trees. But he can’t get back down.

The split tongue he has in his demon form is natural, however the one in his human form is the result of him getting in a fight and the other person ripping out his tongue piercing.

He’s 5’3.

He’s like the spitting image of his mother, only with lighter hair and eyes.

He has the most smoochable lips ever.

He has multiple ear piercings, previously a tongue piercing, he’s got lip piercings, a septum piercing and maybe cheek piercings. He hates his dimples so, y’know, slapping some piercings on them would make him feel better.

The boy doesn’t shower often. He hates seeing his body because it doesn’t look how he wants it to, so showering is like a dreaded scenario for him. So he’s just a little greasy.

He has slit pupils that go HUGE when Katelyn’s nearby.

He loves juice boxes. Especially the orange juice ones.

He wants kids, but the idea of being a dad is like… really scary for him. His own dad wasn’t great and he’s just sort of scared he’ll mess up too. Also kids kind of terrify him sometimes.

He’s really good with babysitting Alina and Lilith-Garnet though. He’s their cool uncle.

He shapeshifts into a cat a lot once he gets the hang of shape shifting. They’re Katelyn’s favourite and he just loves sitting next to her whilst she strokes around his ears and repeatedly calls him an adorable little man.

He has a pet budgie.

He despises cicadas.

Sometimes he likes to read his mum’s diary. She died when he was young so he just likes to get to know her through her internal thoughts. As a kid he used to write in entries as if he was her because he liked to imagine she was still around and hanging out with him.

He doesn’t like watermelon that much.

He’s very touchy feely and affectionate with his friends and Katelyn. He just likes affection because that’s how his mum would show she loved him and he’s got severe mommy issues bc of her death.

He’s autistic. Because I said so.

He can’t grow that much facial hair (he can grow some fuzz, not much more) but he wants to. When Katelyn found this out, she bought him fake moustaches as a sort of gag gift. She sticks them on him when he’s feeling especially self-loathing and dysphoric. It doesn’t fix it, but he appreciates the thought.

Lucinda likes to experiment on him a lot and he’s just… chill with it.

Y’know how he’s god of love in ART?? He’s technically god of love in MCD and MyS too. He’s got all the abilities, he’s able to make other people fall inlove, make people love him, etc, but he doesn’t know that and thus doesn’t use them. His powers also have their part in him being so goddamn gorgeous.

Oh yeah he’s literally the second most attractive cast member in my rewrite (behind Luci, who will never be beat)

Dante is his best friend but Brendan does come second. A sort of mid-distance second. Travis just likes to surround himself with himbos.

He’s terrified of geese.

The entire inside of his mouth in his demon form is black. Y’know, like how a black mambas is??

His demon form is tied to Enki island. So when Gal’ruk is experiencing a long winter (a long summer for Ru’aun and Tu’La) his fur, horns hooves and pretty much everything goes white. His eyes go a slightly paler purple. It’s to help him blend in with snow but that’s pretty useless in Ru’aun.

Nana helps him keep up with fang maintenance.

Luci helps him look after his horns (witches have horns in my rewrite. Don’t question it. I do what I want.)

He’s covered in tattoos. He just loves them. They’re all just Katelyn’s favourite flowers and just what flowers she likes in general, all in red ink. It took Katelyn a while to realise that.

He also has his mum’s name tattooed on his wrist in Gal’run lettering.

He’s able to perfectly replicate the sound of a phone alarm and Dante hates him for it.

Katelyn has him blocked on most social media because he just posts some of the dumbest stuff ever.

Travis is the type to always ask if he can play on his friends phone. Especially Katelyn. They only say yes so he won’t start talking to them.

MyS Travis is a huge star wars fan and he 100% has a crush on Obi-Wan Kenobi and possibly also has starwars bed sheets.

Travis can handle painfully spicy food because Sylvanna used to feed him a lot during highschool. And she cooks spicy. It’s become his way of defending his food from the grubby mitts of Dante or Brendan, just soaking it all in the hottest hot sauce he can find.

He once ate a really spicy chilli and a cold ass mint at the same time pre-pdh and like died.

#this isn’t everything I’m sorry :(#aphmau #aphverse #rewrite #aphblr #minecraft diaries #mcd #mystreet #amaranth #travis valkrum

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headstoned · 1 year

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MASTERLIST

°•☆

Welcome to my masterlist where all of my important posts/works will be linked for convenience :)

Requests

Requests open/closes + rules

Requested works (1)

Original Characters-

Cherry Lockheart

Fics-

High School Sweethearts

Stockholm Syndrome

Wattpad-

(whomthebelltollsfor/necroluster)

High School Sweethearts

Shifting Diary-

End

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str4wberrysh0rtc4k3 · 2 years

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food log 🍧 16th nov 2022

ʚɞ snacks:

✿ mini cherry scream bar - 94kcal

✿ monster ultra rosa - 10kcal

total: 104kcal

ʚɞ dinner:

✿ spam fritter

✿ 4 sliced shallot potatoes

✿ 1/4 tin baked beans

✿ 4 onion rings (small)

total: 612kcal

ʚɞ total calories:

✿ consumed: approx. 716

✿ lost: approx. 401 (walking and exercising)

✿ overall: approx. 315

ʚɞ water:

✿ 2L

ʚɞ steps:

✿ 8.8K

ʚɞ notes/diary entry:

even though my blog has started as of today I’ve been counting/restricting calories for the past two days now.

the first day started off rocky but ever since i’ve been doing better and better. unfortunately i’m not in a position to be controlling my dinner every night and thus have made it my only meal, not been finishing it and having an occasional snack here and there.

i also don’t have any access to a weighing scale! :( so my cw is merely an estimate based on the last time i weighed myself, since my diet hasn’t really changed at all since then.

i’m planning on getting my own dinner tomorrow night so that should help me cut down on calories and i’ll be doing plenty of walking at work and travelling around tomorrow since i have some errands to run.

i’m feeling pretty confident in myself that i’m not gonna binge since i’m really focused on reaching my goal. i’m also going shopping tomorrow for low cal snack foods and i’ve made a list of food i wanna get so i might post the shopping list/pictures of what i bought when i get home tomorrow.

i’ve got an early shift tomorrow so i’m gonna go get some sleep :’)

#thinspo #th1n$po #th1nsp1r4t10n #4norex1a #4n4 diary #ed not sheeran #ed blog #an0r3x14 #ana diet #restrictive ana #restrictive diet #i wish i was thinner #b1nge eating #tw ed #tw ed diet #one meal a day #m34lspo #low cal

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blandmemoirs · 5 months

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Choosing To Be Better (2023 Journal)

(The following is a LONG entry written for my public diary from June 26th, 2023 to December 19th, 2023, with edits made up to its posting date in January 2024; as it was not written in one sitting, it may move around and shift focus in ways that are different from a typical memoir of its kind, but it was always intended to be one piece, and so will be posted as one. It reflects much of the angst, trials, fears, and despair I have struggled with for some time, but also, I hope, displays the perseverance, growth, strength and passion for life that I have been fostering all this time. Read to your hearts content. There is no TL;DR you'll get from me)

At the beginning of this year I made a fundamental decision that has set the course I have followed these past months. As last year transitioned into this one, there was much weighing on my mind(for that post, which is a bit of a downer, go here). I was 23, to turn 24, a college dropout working a dead end job, with no money in savings, overweight and relatively out of shape, my YouTube channel was still below 500 subscribers after 10 years, still not halfway to monetization, I had committed to a feature film that was being produced at the snails pace I chose to work, much to the discomfort of my fellow filmmakers, who were eager to get to work, I am single and have never had a meaningful romantic relationship, as all my pursuits, few as they are, were fruitlessly aimed at ones who were uninterested in me, and as a cherry on top, I am balding at a rate much faster than years previous, or perhaps simply more noticeably than years previous. The hair in front had visibly thinned to a point that even combing the longer parts from the side could no longer cover it. I wore pajama pants no matter the occasion unless specifically asked to dress "nicer", I have never been to a doctor despite recently subscribing to the highest tier health insurance at my work, I have a 401k that takes a percentage of every one of my paychecks. I do not believe in God and have not said a prayer in nearly a decade. I am a grown adult with responsibilities and ambitions. I am surrounded by a community that I have played a large hand in cultivating and was soon going to be elected to be responsible for continuing to cultivate and chart out a future for. I am an artist who thinks all day about art, but produces relatively little of, as consuming art is much easier than creating art. I had repaired much of my inner self, having healed the resentment I felt towards my father(s), and thus cured the hatred I felt towards myself. I forgave my father the man who raised me, and we have deepened our bond, I forgave my biological father, the man who r*p*d my mom to give me life, and no longer have any need for him to be around. I met my biological grandmother, who has spent the last twenty years hanging on a thread of hope that she may see her only grandchild come to her home, and I was able to be a wish fulfilled, and fill her heart with joy at the end of her life. I have opened doors to friends and given them homes to rest, grow, and heal so they may transform into the best versions of themselves. My family is proud of me. I am proud of how far I have come from how low I had been, and for the longest time in my life I have loved myself and felt content with myself. No shortcoming or perceived personal flaw has held over me like a dark cloud in some time. For some odd years I felt an inner turbulence like a raging storm which seemed ceaseless and eternal, I felt that I was always to be angry at the world and the God that made it and hate the men who made me, and hate myself for seeing them in the mirror and noticing every odd similarity that existed between us. But the raging riot within my heart has felt some sense of peace and quiet in the last few years. It has not dampened my passion, or blinded me in serenity. I am still hungry, I am still looking forward to what comes next, I am not content with my contentedness, but I am less a monster hiding inside of a man, and more a man that has tamed and mellowed what monster remains. There have been moments, days, when I lost my patience, my temper flared, and I felt the cage rattle. But no bridges have burned that were not rebuilt, no words were said that could not be unsaid, no daggers were placed into the hearts of the people I love because I felt I needed to return the hurt I was feeling. There were temptations, opportunities, and reasons to strike, to be angry, to be bitter, but the trend I have desired, and the path I have chosen, is one in which I can be better.

Better than my past self, better than my worst self, better than my best self, better than the father who created me, and better than the father who actually made me. All to the tune of a song emblazoned with the title of my newest journey, "To Be Better" created by the talented Gavin aka Miracle of Sound, whose music has felt like a spiritual guide for me for some time. Ever since first discovering his tunes on a random YouTube music tribute to the Batman Arkham games, I have felt captivated by his works, which are often inspired by video games, or movies, or his own experiences. He has an ability that I would describe as being able to capture the soul or essence of a work, and translate it into beautiful music. Some time ago I wrote here about my relationship with my anger, and set it to the tune of his song, "Ode to Fury", and now, all this time later, we both return to the God of War series, and to Kratos specifically, to set a new checkpoint, a point in which myself, Kratos, and whoever else is so daring, can choose "To Be Better".

youtube

It is no secret that at the end of this year I will be dressing as Kratos for the annual Star Bandits Halloween Party, and that in preparation for this I have made the decision to work out to build up muscle, will be shaving my head, and growing out my beard. I've also been eating more olives to boot but that's neither here nor there. To some people that is enough information and that is the story, to others they think its because of some single insecurity or character flaw listed from the beginning, and some may wonder why I even feel the need to explain any of this at all. Whatever it is you are approaching this essay, novel, or epic for, I want you to know I will be spending the next few thousand words talking about myself, my insecurities, my lived experiences, the media I've consumed to understand them, my failures, my successes, the things I've made, the things I'm proud of, and attempting to explain in as many words as possible who I am and what I want, because no one single person is just one single thing, we are complex, multifaceted, hypocritical, contradictory, and impossible to understand in just a few words. So, if you want to get as close as you can to understanding me, or the me that I want you to see, this is for you. But ultimately, this piece is for me, a new entry in my public diary and maybe a piece to be included in my autobiography. As to write about a lifetime may very well take up a lifetime. The reason I am choosing to closely identify myself with some video game character to the point that I am dressing up as the closest approximation of the pixels I can manage is because it is a small part, however largely symbolic, of the greater act I am performing in choosing to better myself.

I am not a religious person. I don't have a holy book I look to for answers to the universe or life's mysteries or my grand purpose in life. I don't pray to a God and hope He listens so he may favor me and work miracles to turn my luck around or give me an Eternal Life in some far off paradise. I don't believe in any kind of grand plan or cosmic scheme or intelligent design tom explain this rock orbiting a hot ball of gas and our suffering on it. I believe religion exists to foster a polite and orderly society. It exists to cultivate social engagement and community, to provide a "purpose" to it all. It exists to explain the questions that we just can't answer. God is cope. And the explanation, the answer to the unanswerable, is "well, it is what it is because He made it that way and only He knows why". That's the circular logic I used in Elementary school when I tried to convert my friend Louie because I thought it was my "purpose" as a Good Christian(TM) to bring people to the Light and "save" their "souls" from the big fire pit down below where everyone is punished for not believing in something despite the loving, forgiving, all powerful, omnipotent God creating them knowing they would not find Him in their lives.

In 8th Grade I was a rather outspoken Christian as I went through a whole "rebirth" phase in the 6th Grade when I got legally adopted by the father who raised me and took on his last name, becoming Robbie Bland. I believed at that same time I felt a call from God to be baptised and thus reborn. Washing Bell away with holy water to become the person I was meant to be. The reality is I just wanted a symbolic change to fit the legal, bureaucratic change that took place when I sat their in a legal office and told them "My name is Robert Otist Bland, not "Robert Otist Bell Jr, please and thank you". I didn't particularly need the baptism, I got to have my main character moment in the courtroom when I stood before a judge and said that same thing, only for him to remark about my intelligence and maturity for a 12 year old. If only he knew it was because I had to grow up so fast. Oh well. The baptism was just another symbolic piece of action I could take to FEEL new and FEEL different. It was capped off with a new cross necklace that I wore everyday for the next few years. I'd pray every night, and I'd ask for forgiveness for whatever wrongs I had done, and pray for healing and blessings to those who had less, and ask God for a nice thing here and there. It made me feel good and comfortable, and when I was in church I would SIIIIING my praises for the Lord to all the little karaoke church choir songs. One day I was even worshipping so hard I passed out and fell on a lady standing next to me. I thought that was a pretty wild experience at the time, nowadays I think it was the result of locking my knees standing and singing until I was breathless, y'know, two things that make a person pass out. I felt I had some kind of a relationship with God, that He was watching me, and everything I do, and then I got older. I became a teenager, I became more aware of the world, I became more aware of myself, I started committing more "sins" by touching myself where it felt good, something I was told I'm not supposed to do or God, who is watching me touch myself, will be upset with me. So I'd pray for forgiveness every night after finishing. Then I remembered I didn't even know what bible verse said I couldn't choke the chicken, so I decided I should probably get more familiar with the bible. I resolved to read it cover to cover, as any good book ought to be read, and that I would read it, every night before bed, as incentive to stop "sinning" as hormonal teenagers discovering themselves do.

And I... Couldn't make it past Genesis. It was boring, and nothing was "speaking to me" or revealing some kind of wisdom or knowledge I couldn't already find somewhere else. It was full of long lists of names and family trees and some weird stories of incest and it just made me go "huh, so this the bible when read like a book and not just cherry picked for quotes to be interpreted for me", and I gave up. I stopped reading. Comic books were more interesting and I felt like I was actually learning things about morality, empathy, humanity, and "purpose" that the bible just wasn't giving to me, and I think that's where it began. If it wasn't there it was when my 8th Grade drama teacher stopped one of my conversations with a classmate about my religion and why they should convert to pose a question: "If God knows Everything, do you have Free Will?" Well of course! I thought. The bible says so, or so I'm told. "But, if God knows every decision you will make before you make it, and God created you, did you make those decisions?" Well, of course! Because God gave me free will... I wasn't satisfied with my own answers and shame on the grown adult for owning me in an argument, buuuut honestly also thank you because you opened my mind so much on that day. I began to fixate on that question, and others I would come up with to challenge myself and poke holes in my thinking. "What if you are born in one of those indigenous communities that has no contact with the outside world and you still worship the sun or the rain and not Jesus Christ himself? Or what about the people who came before 0 AD when Jesus was born?" Rather specific, and some (hypothetical) answers damn those people to eternal darkness in purgatory for the crime of being born before they could know better and convert to "the right one" with the eternal kingdom everlasting. Other people are perhaps less tolerant than others and would happily damn those people to Hell, and some people are perhaps more merciful than others and think everyone who lives a virtuous life goes to the happy place because that's the way it should be. I started to believe that, but then that meant my religion no longer hinged on actually believing and worshipping my God to get past the Pearly Gates. It just required you to be a "good person", but then that led me back to my rather frequent monkey spanking, which while simultaneously making me go blind and grow hair on my hands, was also supposed to make me a bad person. "But why, why would God make something that feels so good, be so wrong?" A rather dangerous thought that, but God also gave men a G-spot up their rectum and said they aren't allowed to touch it, and he made food so good, but us get so fat when we eat! That's when it started to click.

Religion is about sacrifice! Hell, they all talk about it. Whether its animals, crops, indulgences, or fellow human beings, we gotta take some Ls, sometimes Lives, so that God can be nicer to us and reward our "service". Ugh, service? Religion is about serving God? The same God who doesn't talk to me like he talked to everyone else in the damn book? Where's my burning bush? Where are my easy answers. Faith is about trusting the process and not asking too many questions because I'm not supposed to understand. God is above me and incomprehensible and blah blah blah. Some religions even spout "submission" along with their service. I ain't submissive, that's not what I'm here for. If God wanted me to submit he'd give me a reason, and burning forever or rotting away in an abyss absent his light and love doesn't sound all that different from a Summer night in Texas getting bitten by skeeters. Damn bloodsuckers.

In 9th Grade I had the opportunity to get some way forward with my relationship with God and religion when I emceed an Interfaith Panel hosted by my school's Philosophy Club wherein we gathered many religious leaders from the community, some local, some not so local. We had a Rabbi, two muslims, a few priests, a Coptic Christian from Egypt, a Hindu who needed a translator because he didn't speak English, and like two buddhist guys one of 'em in full robe mode. They were all people who had authority and experience and knowledge over their religions, even if I don't remember all their specific titles, and by the end of the night, I liked the buddhist guys the most. So... Was I buddhist?

Nah, I mean. Karma made some sorta sense, reincarnation sounded, approachable, and also made some sorta cosmic sense in that all matter and energy is recycled as it is neither created or destroyed, supposedly, but Nirvana? Just sounds like Heaven but with extra steps. I don't want Heaven or Enlightenment or whatever the time and place after life is supposed to be. I just want this life, to LIVE this life, and to live it well. That Interfaith Panel was the end of my relationship with The Lord God Almighty and the beginning of my Atheism arc, because well, for me it was all or nothing. Not too be too Green Goblin about the whole thing, but the Agnosticism is just "There is a plan but we don't know it because only God knows" but more noncomittal. "I mean, there is a God, but I don't know, I'm not too sure, no one knows really". I just can't help but ask "Are you in or are you out?" and for me, I was out.

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The only approachable religion left for me was deism, or the 'clockwork' God the Founding Fathers are accused of believing in, the one who made everything, like a big piece of clockwork, and now sits on his hands and watches his "intelligent, grand design" of an Ant Farm tick away, never interfering to make repairs or fix what's broken, because even a broken clock is right twice a day. That's why wars, and genoc1des and r*pe and all the bad things happen because God designed the world that way and it's supposed to happen by design, form, and function, because he knows best and we are so small and stupid and we can't conceive of why that two year old should get brain cancer and die. It must have... Just been "his time" because God "needed him in Heaven".

No we just live in an imperfect world as imperfect lifeforms that decay from the moment we are born until the decay outpaces our growth and we return to the dirt we were sculpted from, and we have genetic disorders, and diseases, and cancer causing chemicals in our homes, the food we eat, and the air we breath, and some of us actively pollute the air ourselves and others breathe because we have chemical addictions and oral fixations that are only satiated by sucking on chemical binkies, and hey man, from the moment we are born to the moment we die, babies need binkies. And I'm not knocking ya, but let's call a spade a spade, your inability to go two seconds without sucking on that binky is just you perpetuating your inner baby. It makes you feel safe and comfy, and thats what binky is for. Everyone does that, just different ways, because none of us ever really "grow up" we just change shape and form.

Anyways, Our God is an Awesome God He Reigns, or he built a clock and he's watching us tick each other off, and no matter what, no matter what interpretation you prefer from the classics, no matter what quote you pull or book you read, God allows awful things to happen, a real "why do bad things happen to good people" paradox, and you know, I get it, God is cope, we need God to surrender ourselves and our critical thinking to so that we can feel some comfort in the "master plan" that sometimes involves "master races" and "mass-ter extermination but absolutely NO masturbation. And absolutely NO sexual relations before marriage because you aren't supposed to know if you are sexually compatible with your spouse until the wedding night, and then you just gotta make it work, nevermind how important being able to physically please each other and fulfill each other's desires is. It still bugs me, it still unsettles me, and I don't want to cope, I want to live. I want to feel. And you know, I do think the story of my atheism being rooted in my being a teenage coomer is funny, but to people who think that's some major personal failure or character flaw, I choose to tell the truth, the whole story. The REAL, most RAW reason why I can never love a God that does not love me.

My mother was 15 when I was conceived, 16 when I was born. That's about the same age as The Virgin Mary.

My biological was 20 chasing after a girl in high school, even if you wanna adopt a United Nations 'modern' take on consent among the youth, that's still a grown man and a minor, ethically that is egregious, even if my mom may say it was her idea. What kind of world is it where we buy into that idea that a kid can "choose" to be in a relationship with an adult, that a kid can then "choose" whether to keep the kid that was conceived from that "choice" made from an ignorant, uninformed, and naïve perspective placed on them by a predator. Now how the Hell are we supposed to buy that a girl of that same age can consent to an "immaculate conception" from a higher being she can't possibly conceive or process. Now I'm applying "modern human standards" to He Who Cannot Be Understood by humans, but is God really so above us that we get to overlook the, uhm, frankly "problematic" age and power gap involved heah? Is that why we are to submit and sacrifice and be unquestioning? Because that's just the way it is it's all part of the plan, we can't possibly understand. No, what I don't understand is why my life, my conception, my existence and my ability to be on this Earth, came as a byproduct of, in the most liberal terms, statutory rape, and then hinged on the literal child making the "choice" to keep and raise me. How lucky me that I won the one in a million lottery to be one of the swimmers playing in the JV league to make it here. I don't get a representative in the room because I don't have a womb but it's insane that we just let adults rape kids and then let kids "make a choice" about their future. I think there should be more to it than that. Obviously you shouldn't force a life into the world to be raised by parents that are both unfit, and unwanting of the burden of parenting(*cough cough Casey cough cough*) because that's where tragedies become murders. And you know what? I was lucky.

My mom did keep me, and she did do her best to raise me as a child raising a child, at the cost of stunting her growth and putting her life on hold to be mother to myself and my sister and brother who soon followed me. And I'm grateful. I love my mom, even when she let me down or couldn't quite reach the bar of "good" parent, as subjective as that can be, I never hated her for her personal flaws or shortcomings, because I always saw through it, that she was that 16 year old mom, trying to do right by the life(and later, lives) she chose to create. And though her parenting style was always "do as I say and not as I do" as she engaged in vice after vice after vice, I listened, even if she had to spank some of the vices out of me when they began to stick. I never drank, I never will. I never smoked, I never will. I didn't say bad words until I turned 18, as we agreed was most appropriate. I got good grades, made good friends, was involved in my education even when I wasn't passionate about it, and I didn't have any babies as a teenager, in fact, the fear of turning out the way my parents did was what made approaching any form of intimacy or romance for me... Difficult. And it still is, though I'm getting better at, trying, even if its all baby steps like "telling her how you feel". I'm so cautious and reserved and I mean dead-honest afraid of intimacy because I grew up seeing everything on fire all the time, and I've seen so many relationships end because people just aren't very good at taking care of each other, and in my limited experiences, sometimes people just don't know how to take care of themselves and they're just as scared of intimacy as I am. Oh well. I have to REALLY like someone before I can even begin to approach the idea of asking them out, and by that point, we are already close friends and now its "awkward". As has been stressed to me with great emphasis of late, you're not supposed to date your friends, apparently. I'll figure it out someday, it'll just take someone really special, as I've always said. All things considered, my mom didn't do the worst job in the world, especially for a teen mom who drowns in vices and can't financially plan very far ahead of her next paycheck. Even when she drunk drove me to a PTA meeting and slurred her words while the principals and counselors and teachers who all saw her son as a young prodigy shook her hand I forgave her, in spite of the disappointment and embarrassment, because that was my mom, the one who chose me, and the one who loved me and is proud of me. You can't quite resent that. It was harder to forgive my dad, even though he was similarly fucked up as a kid and just as if not more stunted and broken. I live as good a life as I can, on my own terms, because my birth forced my mom to live her life for me.

I think about Hulk a lot. I write about Hulk alot. Lately I've been writing scripts about Hulk alot. I wrote this line the other day-

"Banner: When I was born, I destroyed my mother's life."

Because in the comics Bruce Banner's dad, an abusive alcoholic who hated Bruce and hated his wife for having him, killed his mom when he was a child. Rebecca Banner died protecting her son from her husband, and it's something Bruce always blamed him for. When I wrote that line it sent something close to shivers up my back, I felt a strange resonance with it, and I think after this long essay full of rants and anecdotes about why I hate God and love my mother, you might be able to see why. I felt guilty for a long time, over a sin I did not commit, over a life I couldn't consent to or ask for, because of the sins of my biological father. It was a guilt that lingered within me for a long time, and apparently still rears its head from time to time. A root cause for me to hate myself, among the many other reasons I've found over the years, but all the same: it was this guilt that made me respect my mother, in the odd ways that I do. I do what she asks of me, I never raise a mean finger to her, because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt her. When she does something to hurt me or my siblings or my father or herself, I kind of just shrug it off, because I can't really stay mad at her. And maybe that's not right, or productive, or helpful, but the longer I reflect on my conception, the more I just can't bare to do anything else to hurt or inconvenience her, because I was already born.

So yes, I hate God, because if God exists, that means his plan was to take my 15 year old mother, and absolutely f*ck her shit up, just so her eldest son could go on to... Be a virgin nerd college dropout in a cult with a nonprofit. I guess that's something? I'm not really seeing the vision because God is not real. There is no plan, there is just chaos. An imperfect world full of imperfect people seeking the logic and reason in illogical and unreasonable beings. We are driven by so many complex and contradictory emotions and chemicals and hormones and traumas and motivations that we can't see past our own noses sometimes. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I've made my peace with that. I'm responsible for myself, the people around me, and the actions I make that affect everything they touch. I like that, that feels more like free will. Sorting through competing impulses, learning discipline to make wise decisions, choosing when to sacrifice and when to indulge, weighing my perceived pros and cons, making a decision and committing to it, or only going halfway and backing my way out and watching it fall apart or turning my back on it entirely to avoid the consequences, if I can outrun them. But if you take that agency away from me, and tell me there's some divine being pulling all the strings, watching me and knowing every move I'll ever make before I ever even started playing, that shit sounds rigged. And why does some omnipotent, omnipresent, omni-loving motherfucker need to design a "perfect vessel" in "His Image" and give it the capacity to rape, murder and genocide? Was that really necessary in the design? You created these intelligent, reasoning creatures and damned half of them to darkness from birth and also decided the cherry on top was that they ought to be able to torture and destroy and hurt each other? That was necessary? And don't come at me with the suffering bullshit. We can suffer knowing our dogs will die before we do, we can suffer knowing that grandma isn't gonna see us graduate, we can suffer when we fall from a high place and break a leg, we can suffer when our hearts are broken by the perfect girl. We don't NEED the depths of suffering that come from the Japanese Empire's Literal "Rape of Nanking" or Nazi Germany's "Camps". Our all loving all powerful divine King looked at that shit and said "yeah I fucks with that lets ship it". And don't Devil bullshit me. Who created the fucking Devil??? The Devil has NO power that God doesn't give it. Women get periods and painful, life-risking child births because one of them decided to eat an apple and God said "fuck all of you". Fuck God. I hate God, and I'm so GOD DAMN glad that He is not REAL. Because if, IF, I'm wrong, I have a #1 hater and a nemesis, a sworn enemy and I have got to kill HIM. If God is real and instead of returning to the nothingness from whence I came I instead find myself being judged at the pearly gates, it is ON SIGHT. If God's damning me to Hell, I'm dragging him down with me. Because it is better to reign in Hell than to serve in His Heaven, if I'm gonna go full Devil Trigger.

If you believe in God, that's cool. There are reasonable, principle, moral, social, logical, personal reasons to believe in a higher power and want to find your purpose through it. I respect you and I respect your decision, I just don't respect your God, and I hope that you can separate those distinctions, because it's never me vs you if it's me vs your god. I can root against your favorite football team or think that your communist ideology is flawed too, that don't mean we can't get along. When I've spoken with creationists in less extensive debates, they always jump to "how can something come from nothing" and golly gee man I don't fucking know dude. I'm not born to know that. We can't time travel back to the beginning of everything, we can only study what's going on right here and now, and interpret what's left from back then. It's all theory and study and deduction and in 200 years it'll probably all be proven wrong anyways. I don't care how we got here, what we do know is WE ARE HERE, we are here right now, and there is no way of knowing what comes next. All we really know is we have this one life, because no one you've ever met came back from the other side or remembers what came before. That or they are making shit up, as all humans do. So why not live your life the way you want, pursue the things you like and are passionate about, and help and improve your community right now, because tomorrow is never guaranteed. Today is a gift from God and that's why they call it the present.

So when I'm hit with the gotcha of "something from nothing" all I can ever really think is "me born from rape" and it's not a polite thing to say, and I try to be more Obama and not say impolite things in public. Maybe it's a chip on my shoulder, it left me feeling guilty for some time, but really, it saved me from the delusion of some higher being with a plan and made me believe in my own agency and responsibility for my actions, the kinds of things that the predator who created me didn't think about when he was taking advantage of a minor. It's okay, I'm okay. In fact, what this long-winded expository life story expose was written for was to detail my background and mindset about gods, so that I can once again drag you through the muddy rabbit hole and synthesize everything with my relationship to the God of War, Kratos, the Ghost of Sparta.

To make a long story told across several incredible video games full of awesome and gory hack 'n' slash action with emotionally resonant stories with depth deeper than the shallow waters they trudge in, Kratos is a demigod, born into the Greek Pantheon as yet another bastard child of Zeus. What made Kratos special was his brother Deimos, who was borne with markings on his body that fit a prophecy which said a marked warrior would one day k1ll the gods and topple mount olympus. So Ares and Athena popped on the scene and latta'd his kid brother. To honor him, Kratos tattooed the same markings on himself, became a top ranking Spartan general, aaaand then got 300'd by some barbarians, and in his dying breath, swore allegiance and fealty to the God of War, Ares

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Ares molded him into a perfect killing machine and a weapon of war, wielding the powerful Blades of Chaos permanently singed into the arms of his new warrior. Kratos was devout and loyal and did whatever the god asked of him, including ransacking and murderizing a town for the glory of his god. Only, as Kratos came down from his bloodlusted rage in service to Ares, he discovered that he had slain with his own hands, his wife and daughter in service to his god. As Kratos mourned the loss of his loved ones, at the design of the gods, Ares came to gloat that it would make him a great warrior. Ashamed and suicidal, Kratos engaged in as many self destructive vices as he could to hide from the guilt and bury the memory of what he had done as a monster for a god, and as Ares grew power hungry in the pantheon, Kratos was eventually recruited by sympathetic gods to take Ares down once and for all, and given the promise that his memories of his atrocity would be erased. So he embarked on a journey of epic proportions, even being slain by Ares, only to prove he was the original man too angry to die and to crawl out of Hades himself for some sweet revenge to gain the power needed to slay a god, which he did, only to be uno reverse carded and betrayed by the gods again, who instead of taking his memories from him, crowned him the new god of war. And that was just the beginning. Then he was doing usual God of War things like Ares before him, only for Zeus to grow extremely paranoid about the whole marked warrior thing and the fact that Kratos had in fact, killed a god, so he set off to do some dirty work himself and get ahead of fate and kill Kratos himself... Only for Kratos to be too angry to die, crawl back out of Hades, knock down the doors of the sisters of Fate and literally beat fate and take control of it for himself, travelling back in time to stop Zeus from killing him and then declaring war on all of Olympus. A war which, depsite its ups and downs, trials and tribulations, he was destined to win through sheer will alone.

But there are consequences to killing a god, and there are even more consequences to killing a pantheon of gods. Floods, disease, pestilence, hunger, darkness, and fear gripped the world of man in a ravaging vice as Kratos stood over the ruins of the new world he created by burning the old one to ash, in his quest for revenge he had lost his humanity and become a mindless monster, hellbent on destruction and ruin, no matter the cost, but now, at the very end, a mind once drunk on blood is sobered by the agony of bloodloss. There was only one god left to kill, that is, when Athena appeared, claiming to have ascended beyond Olympus into a realm of godhood above gods, and now that Olympus had fallen, she would return to rule over all that was left. Kratos, ever ready to stick it to the gods one last time, used the powers he had accrued in the destruction of the gods to destroy himself and free the power of hope to the people of the world, to make their own lives free from the gods, and seemingly ended his own life with his own hands, denying Athena her master plan's payoff and freeing mankind once and for all.

Until you fast forward, some amount of years, decades or centuries is unknown, Kratos lives in isolation in the wintery world of midguard, having travelled across the world into a new land, one ruled by new gods with new rules. A land where the now much more mild mannered and even tempered Kratos once again tries to raise a family and move on from his dark past, avoiding the gaze of the gods, he is successful for some time, until the death of his wife, this time not by any malicious hands, sends him on a quest across the realms and into the path of the gods. Along the way he must teach and bond with his son all while attempting to hide his past and suppress his old violent habits borne from his inner rage. All this comes to a head as the boy begins manifesting his godly abilities but becomes ill by the contradictions his mind believes he is mortal but his body is that of a god, resulting in a sickness that could kill him, all because his father would not tell him the truth of his nature. Kratos is forced to dig up the old blades of chaos to venture into a realm where no fire can exist, except that of the primordial flames his blades produce, and encounter visions and spectres of his past which haunt and tease him, reminding him he cannot escape what he has done, for what he is, is a monster. Kratos remarks "But I am your monster no more" before using his blades not to destroy, but to save, not for revenge, but for love, ultimately rescuing his son and telling him the truth. Their quest continues and brings them into confrontation with the new gods of this realm, the Aesir, the gods who rule from Asgard, and as confrontations boil over Kratos is once again pushed to become what he was made to be, a godslayer. But as the saying goes, there are consequences to killing a god, something he must impress upon his son after the boy becomes vengeful. Their quest ends when they are faced with the near unkillable Baldur, a man who feels no pain and heals from any wound, a near equal to Kratos in strength and fury, who was cursed by his mother who feared prophecy that he would be slain someday. Her curse, meant to protect, was an overcorrect, as his lack of feelings drove him mad, numb from the numbness, he seeks to kill her in revenge, only for Kratos to intervene, and kill the unkillable god thanks to the help of the magic mistletoe-as-kryptonite arrows his son used to break the spell. "The cycle ends here" was Kratos' proclamation after urging Baldur to back down from repeating history and slaying his parents in revenge. And yet, there are consequences to killing a god. The death of Baldur signals the coming of Ragnarok, the end times. In attempting to stop the cycle, Kratos has only pushed it further.

This all comes to a head when Kratos is backed into corner after corner by the Norns, Norse Mythology's weavers of Fate, and the machinations of Odin the Allfather, who pits his Asgardians against Kratos and Atreus until they are both forced to play the roles they were born into, ultimately toppling Asgard and it's gods, once again freeing another world from the oppression of the gods, allowing them to make their own destinies, and to finally allow Kratos to find some peace, as the end of the game reveals that Kratos is prophesized to shed away his guilt and shame and pain and become a god worshipped by the people, rather than feared by them, at least until the next pantheon comes aknockin' on his door and forcing him to become that fateful godslayer once more.

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This is an incredibly abridged version of Kratos' story, and one that doesn't do the whole of his character full justice, but it is important to outline his journey and give as much context as possible without doing a head over heels deep dive. The point is this, Kratos kills gods and commands his own fate. Those two things have always stuck with me. One of my favorite times playing video games was the entirety of God of War 2, which was my first time playing a game in the series, where the spectacle and hack n slash action was taken to a satisfying and fun peak, and the idea that the whole plot is just Kratos being too angry to die that he defies and defeats fate itself to undo his death is just fucking cool, man. So, when I heard the first few lines of Miracle of Sounds' song, "Break the hard chains of fate, roads we walk we create, for our futures are wide and vast" I was already starting to well up with emotion, from the nostalgia of that old game, paired with the rich journey in the new game, and the thematic truth I have come to believe in, that we are not static or unchanging, that we are not just the people we were born to be, but that the human spirit allows us to be who we choose to be. It is not easy, it is filled with trials and perils and backslides, and we are not perfect, but if we make good decisions, if we choose to do good things, we can overcome the beasts deep within, cast our fury into our past, and choose to be better at last.

I've made a lot of mistakes and I've let a lot of people down in my life. Every failure, every perceived shortcoming, every time I intentionally or unintentionally chose to be less than the person I want to be, haunts me. I have burned entire relationships with communities and individuals to the ground. I have chosen a scorched Earth over a long road to recovery and reconciliation. I once thought I had a "found family" in my former friends from the Theater Production Class of my 8th grade year. Comprised of some long-running friendships from Elementary all through middle school, I had known many of them for a long time at that point. Having spent many extracurricular hours together creating the bonds that only stageplay performances can create between its cast and crew. I had even been unanimously elected into a leadership position as theater club president, a position I did not originally volunteer for, as I was reticent to take on any position of power, being scared of what that might make me into. Yet, when the 8th grade year started and the position was vacant, before I could choose to run for the position, half the class told me it should be mine, and ever seeking to please and impress my peers, I ran and won a largely uncontested race after giving an impromptu speech about responsibility and commitment and passion to the craft. An event nearly mirrored some years later when I would intentionally run for the position of Inaugural Star Bandit Council Member, though I had more time to prepare and actually wanted the position, it was one that I seemed to slide into with little effort despite, or perhaps because of the gravity of it's responsibilities. That is one of the curious things I have discovered of myself, I never have much trouble taking responsibility or accountability for something, even when at times it feels intimidating or its something that should not be my fault or warrant my involvement, I am not afraid to take the heat and deal with the consequences, yet when there is a position which entails decision making, leadership, or "power" otherwise, I am scared shitless and reticent to involve myself. Perhaps its because I want to do the work and make things happen, but I don't want to disappoint or fall short of the expectations that come with being "a good leader". Sometimes I just like being a goon, following a plan, clearing a path for someone else's vision that drives me to passion.

Sometimes I think I'm best fit for a role which requires me to be accountable and involved, but not wholly in charge of the decisions and the crafting of a cohesive scheme. I much prefer being pitched a plan, tossing it around in my head, picking it apart, adding flesh to its bones, and returning it to its originator with a stronger idea than before. It's a role that I find more comfortable, but its also perhaps an easy thing that just anyone can do. Its easy to poke holes in a canvas than it is to paint a picture on one. I often wonder if I only fear the idea of "power" because of Thomas Jefferson's quote about its corrosive qualities.

"Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely".

That I internalized such an idea at a young age that it stunted me from taking on the challenges that come from power and influence. Then I remember that my parents had power over me, and that they had their share of powertrips, that their parents parents, my grandparents had power over them and me, and powertripped, and politicians and priests and people all the world over, once given the power to do as they please and take advantage of other people's vulnerabilities or weaknesses, often must resist the urge to powertrip, or be absolutely corrupted by their power and do awful deeds which hurt and destroy.

I am afraid of power because I am afraid of myself, of what I might do when I become powerful. I worry that even my resolve and moral character can be corroded and hollowed out if not kept in check, something that becomes more and more difficult with ascending tiers of power. A scene from one of my favorite TV shows, Mr Robot, demonstrated what this anxiety or insecurity of mine looks like in manifest. Terry Colby is rich, powerful, and hollow, a good businessman. Through his position in his ultra powerful corporation, "E Corp", he helped cover up a chemical leak which gave cancer to many of his employees, a decision which became a death sentence for so many and which was the spark that lit the shows world on fire, as the main characters are the children of those workers. Yet, when backed into a corner and questioned on how and why he made such a decision, Colby casually recalls the air of the room, in which he and his peers lavished in decadence while they logically and callously decided to cover up their own failures, dooming their employees to desolation, all because a lawsuit would be cheaper than an actual fix. The piece that always stuck with me was that Colby acknowledged that he knew there was a human cost unaccounted for, but that, when all was said and done, he went home, ate breakfast the next day, and carried on, and soon enough it stopped mattering, because it never actually affected him in the first place. That callousness, the insensitive apathy held towards the people whose lives he had power over, that is what makes me afraid of power. When human lives are just numbers on a spreadsheet. This deep-seeded fear of mine manifests not just in my own reticence, but in a strange resentment of those who do take up these positions with perceived ease and calm. I resent my managers, even the most human and empathetic of them, I resent my government officials, even the ones I vote for or who pass laws I want. I struggle against myself and these feelings I have about power and people who seek it out. It can even make some interpersonal relationships tense as I project some of these insecurities onto people undeserving of such derision.

In Dragon Ball Z Budokai Tenkaichi 3, before Goku turns Super Saiyan 3 and uses his Dragon Fist attack, he exclaims "if I don't who will?" And that has always stuck with me. A call to action so simple yet so complete. If something must be done, we must step up and do it ourselves, else they will never happen at all. It is a modus operandi I operate on most of the time. If I don't take charge, who will? If I don't fix this, who will? If I don't strike up a conversation, who will? Sometimes there are others who will, oftentimes there are not. When I encounter those rare people who have a similar inclination to taking up the cause or leading the way, I often find it easy to step out of their way and provide my support, opting to help push them forward instead of dueling for the front of the locomotive, as every train needs a caboose.

Almost every one of my heroes was reluctant. Marc Spector killed for money until a change of heart sent him on a quest for redemption. Elisa Cameron woke up as a ghost with no memories of her previous life, having to overcome prejudices and piece together who she used to be, Jessica Cruz has to overcome anxiety, PTSD, and herself to focus her willpower on heroics, Bruce Banner believes he is the monster his dad saw him as, denying himself close relationships, Vic Sage was a selfish loner who fought for pleasure and thrills until he was broken by a question he couldn't answer, Kratos was hellbent on revenge and conquest before ever fighting for hope. Even historical figures I find fascinating had that reluctance to ascension to power, Washington was asked to run by the new republic, Lincoln wasn't going to free anyone until the South forced his hand, Oppenheimer created a weapon to end the world, and felt shame and guilt for his actions. There are consequences to the decisions we make. That is never far from my mind.

I've derailed from one of the points I wanted to make. In 8th grade I had what felt like a home away from home, something I have spent much of my life searching for, and something that I sometimes wonder if I may ever find forever. (The Star Band of Its friend group has outlasted the others by years, to which I would like to credit myself in part due to my patience and efforts to be a glue that binds and mends these characters' lives together. But I wonder as to the truth of that. As there have been times when in trying to diffuse I inadvertently stoked a fire that would erupt into a chaotic meltdown, and other times still when I was given pieces of information and manipulated into action and side-taking that would have never occurred when tempered against a complete story and the whole, honest truth. Worse still, there have been moments, hours, days, when that once dormant storm warmed inside me and became a hurricane of rage which rained down fury on those undeserving, no matter the slights they pulled to upset me, but lets get back to the point). I felt that I was close to these friends and that I knew them and that I had a place in their lives. Then I moved away, 2,000 miles to California. On my way out, I collected all their cell numbers so I could keep in touch with them. I would text them everyday as I walked home from school. At first it went well. I'd receive regular communication from most and it felt good to continue to be connected to these people I valued. Then as time went on replies got scarcer and scarcer. Not only were the responses less, but they were lesser, more small talk, less conversation. The friendships were drying up and I began to worry about how they actually felt about me. Was I annoying them? Was it too much? Maybe they were just busy. My favorite way to cope with disinterested spirits. Maybe they just had a lot going on and would get back to me in time. So, I waited. I stopped texting first, and I waited for the real ones to reach out. And no one did, at least, none of the ones I had expected or thought I wanted. The people who reached out were the people I thought I was least connected to, the ones who I felt existed on the outside of my ingroup. The distant cousins of my found family. Yet these friends reached out all the same, despite my undervaluing of their time and effort. And before long I learned that those people I thought I knew so well, didn't have many kind things to say about me when I was not in the room. I felt that resentment begin to build.

I went long periods without contacting them at all, waiting, waiting, fuming, stoking the flames of quiet discontentment. California was supposed to be a temporary departure from my regular life, it turned out to instead be a turning point that changed the trajectory of myself forever. I fell for a girl, but feared her rejection, so stored those feelings safe away as I soon discovered she had eyes for another. Yet we grew closer nonetheless, in part due to my insistence to be near her. She was my first friend in this foreign land where people look at you wrong when you hold the door open for them, and react with surprise or suspicion when you say "yes ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, no sir" because no one ever taught them manners or that politeness we foster here in the South in the name of hospitality. I walked her to every class I could, and she was delighted to see me and spend time with me. I felt a gravity around her that I've never felt around anyone before or after, an unmitigable well of energy and enthusiasm for the world and all who inhabit it, a raw love for the world that warmed my heart in a time that felt so full of despair. When I first saw her I wrote her off as just some cringey nerd girl who didn't know anything but the textbooks in front of her. How right I was, how wrong I was. We sat next to each other in English class. I noticed her big poofey hair and liked it. She was noisy and a people pleaser, a teachers pet, a tried and true nerd. She reached out to me because I was the new guy, and that made me interesting. We eventually traded numbers. I taught her about Shrek is love, Shrek is life, she taught me about Filthy Frank. I realized this weird cringey nerd girl had something close to an edge to her, despite her naievette, and soon fell for her hard. I don't think she ever noticed, but she felt something too. (She once rejected to read the role of Juliet during a class reading of Romeo & as I was chosen to read for Romeo and she thought it was "too awkward". How would that be awkward between two people who are just friends?) We texted all day and night, from dawn to dusk. Through the school day and at the dinner table. She got in trouble with her dad who, for some reason, monitored the volume of text messages she sent each month. Despite her phone plan providing unlimited, infinite text message exchanges between her and whoever she was talking to, he scrutinized the numbers and was flabbergasted when she went from sending less than a hundred texts a month to several hundred or over a thousand a month, regularly. I guess that would cause some concern to any helicopter parent, as any abnormality is a sign of change, and change is scary when we can't control it.

But we texted anyways, in spite of his growing concern for his daughter's erratic behavior. She wasn't allowed to befriend boys in fear of retaliation from her father. She also wasn't allowed sleepovers, or birthday parties, or much of a social life outside of school in general. She wasn't allowed social media so when the concern over our texts grew to be too much we switch to... email, Gmail, to be specific, and google hangouts, a chat thread built into google mail. Our friendship was a secret, and my deeper feelings even moreso. It was almost a forbidden love. The kind in which the desire to prove it and triumph in spite of the opposition was so desirable, so fiercely "romantic" that I fell into a deep pit of love that took me years to recover from. She liked another guy. I knew this when I met him, he knew me when I met him. His first interaction with me was to question my feelings towards her. He asked, "do you have a crush on her?", to which, I lied, saying we were just friends. Perhaps that was the beginning of my own undoing, but it was also the beginning of his as well. I resolved then to drive as much of a wedge between them as I could. Little, small things that could mount into a wider divide. I was being ultra-present, to deny them time alone. When she would bring him up, I would question him, his intentions, and his actions towards her. Once I made her doubt him, his doom would be sealed. I remember much of this coming to a head when I hosted that Interfaith panel I spoke about earlier in the r/atheism section of this essay, but as host I was running around the venue the whole time with a mic to field audience questions. I was very good. I remember discovering the girl I liked sitting with the boy I disliked, and I noticed an evident uncomfortable disposition in her, and a desparate obliviousness in him. He wanted her to be his girlfriend, she wasn't sure about it. But they were holding hands. I felt a fire burn through my circulatory system. This would not stand. So, I used the one weapon I had honed for the occasion, I snuck up behind them during intermission, and asked a simple, piercing question

Do you feel enlightened yet?

With that, I accomplished my goal of c*ckblocking and disrupting, demonstrating that I was present and aware of them, and that they were not alone if I was around. The rest of the night went off without a hitch, I had chased him away for now, and kept my friend single another day for me to stay close to. The other guy of course continued his own pursuits, long after my dysfunctional family had a collective meltdown that necessitated an early move back to Texas a whole year earlier than planned, but I had planted enough seeds of doubt, enough distrust of him and his shifty, possessive, manipulative nature, that he lost what little chance he had from the start.

Or did I? Did she ever really like him? By her own admission she did, would it have ever mounted had I not weaseled and wedged my way into their relationship? Different parties will draw different interpretations. My power is not absolute, but my ability to persuade is relatively adept when juggling the right pieces and from a position of close enough confidence. I would have made for a terrible boyfriend. I knew that, even then. I never asked her out. My own closeted repression and angst over my insecurities about wielding power and manipulation and social engineering learned through my time crafting a mask through the theater arts led me to avoid getting close enough to hurt her. But I still had to tell her how I felt. Eventually. So I waited, and I waited, and then one night my mom and dad had a fight and my dad pulled out his guns for a late night "cleaning" and my mom laughed at him and told him to kill himself and I cautiously, and quietly, slowly, painstakingly carefully as my body was riddled with fear of a murder suicide(Some say its the way to go!), secretly moved my pillow and blanket into the garage, as my room was connected to it through a door. Not a sound was made opening or closing the door, and I lay on the floor, listening intently for any sound that would signal a need to call the police and run from my home. I didn't think my father would actually do anything. But I knew he COULD do something, the story of a man driven to the brink and going postal on his family is nothing new in the world of true crime. It was the remotest possibility, but one I needed to be aware of and prepared for. When the muffled crying of my father or mother ceased and the house returned to silence, and I no longer felt the impending dread of tragedy about to strike, as the clock neared an hour before it was time to "wake up" for my walk to school, I silently, carefully, noiselessly, moved back into my bed and waited for my mom to open the door to "wake me up", hoping it would be my mother and nothing more dangerous.

That was an awful day at school, spent on the verge of tears all day trying to process my own self-inflicted scrape with near death. I was likely never in any danger at all as my dad didn't go postal, but even as the remotest possibility it only made sense that I secure myself. I was a zombie mortified by the lingering drain felt from the flushing of adrenaline, unable to focus and oh so very sad. I eventually broke into tears when my English teacher inquired about my dismal condition. The fights between my parents continued, never escalating to the height, or perhaps low, from that dreadful one, but the dysfunctional family was dysfunctioning and soon enough it was announced that my dad was leaving his job, the very job we moved across the country to live under the income of, and would be returning home a year earlier than anticipated, as an emotionally, financially, and spiritually crippled household. Thus the burden of affection I had shielded so closely to my heart demanded an early release. I would tell her how I felt about her on the last day of school, so that there could be no awkward phase of recalibration, and perhaps more importantly, no painful reminder of the rejection I knew was coming. As, before she could turn me away, it was the good lord above who ensured we could never have a chance in the first place by sending me back to where I came from. So, I wrote two pages of a confessional, devotional, honest love letter declaring my truest feelings in as few words as possible. On the day of delivery I pulled her aside, gave her the paper, and opened my heart to her.

She laughed in my face.

"This is a joke, you're joking" was not the reply I had anticipated. An "I don't feel the same way" or "I wish you told me sooner but lets just stay friends" or even an "ewwww" were in the cards, but not outright denial of my truth. Perhaps I had kept my feelings too closely guarded, or perhaps with an unclear intent both in my heart and desires made it impossible to decipher what it was I had wanted from the friendship. And friendship is what I had wanted. But the feelings I had kept deep inside made me want more from a relationship that would have been doomed to long distance and a high school experience. I had simultaneously felt that she was "the one" perfect partner for me but was aware it was a doomed dynamic from outside my heart. Her father would never let it happen, living 2,000 miles away would make seeing each other impossible, and all other variables aside, its not what she wanted. I knew that ever since I met and secretly sabotaged the other guy. I listened as she gushed about other boys and kpop stars and all the little crushes she had informed me from the beginning that it was my heart which would end up being crushed. But letting go is such a hard thing to do. Letting go of that feeling you get when your phone lights up from a new message she sent you, the weightlessness of your steps as you walk together and talk about nothing, the hearty laugh when a funny joke is told. The eternal moment of being lost in someone's eyes. But I was a fool, and a determined one. Because as I said to my confidant at the time, "You can see a bullet coming, that doesn't mean you'll be able to dodge it".

The rejection pierced my heart as I knew it would, whether its delivery method was anticipated or not, and then I moved away. I left it all behind to return to a place I had hoped would be familiar, so that I could actually forget that crazy wacky no good year in the hell state. We returned to our family home which had been lent out to a friend of my mom's, so we had some sense of normalcy, as though we had never left. That all changed when we tried to go back to school. I lived in the city of Deer Park, and for all the years I had lived in the city of Deer Park I had gone to schools within the Deer Park school district. It was in this school district that my friends, and projected found family, resided. Despite our patchy long distance near fallout, and the chip on my shoulder I felt about their seeming ignoring of me, I was confident a return to an in person relationship at the big Deer Park high school would be enough to get us back on track. It was never meant to be. For, despite living within the city and going to the school district which shared its name, I lived in Deer Park city, but La Porte school district.

La Porte was the next town over and for some zoning reason I do not know, my neighborhood was within its reach EVEN THOUGH the Deer Park High school was closer to my house than the La Porte High school. It was an extra five or so minutes of driving to go to the school I was "assiged" to. As it turned out, the only reason I had been going to Deer Park schools was because we once DID live in Deer park School District, when our family resided in a tiny apartment home complex called... "Park Town" during the first and second grade of my school years. Then, when my parents finally bought a house, the house we lived in from the third grade onto the eighth grade and returned to during my sophomore year of high school, we moved to La Porte ISD. I only stayed in Deer Park because I had been grandfathered into the system through its "open enrollment" system and my having stayed within that district for so long. When we appealed to return to the school we had known, we were rejected, several times. My mother even got so far as to talk over the phone to the superintendent of the district, a man who had previously been principal of my middle school who had multiple one on one meetings with me to congratulate me for my academic and extracurricular achievements, turned me away, sourly.

That rejection, the rejection of the culmination of all my acheivement and accolades that I had worked hard for, highest GPA several years in a row, second place in a district wide Theater Arts UIL competition, Theater Club President, Honor Society, being privileged enough to be bussed to the same high school I was now trying to go to because my innate talents and skill when calculating mathematics was two years ahead of my age group, a privilege only one other person shared with me, a school program he knew about, endorsed and had to approve for me to ever participate in. I'm not going on some ego-trip when I say that THIS person knew what I was bringing to his school district, and I was denied all the same. If you ever wonder when the disenchantment with academia and schooling in general began, it was sitting there and watching my mother face my rejection over the phone. All my hard work, overacheiving, and educational discipline meant nothing as I was cast away from the place I knew and left to be neglected in a school district that could not meet my needs.

What is disenfranchisement supposed to do to someone besides build resentment?

So to La Porte I went, during the blackout year that was Sophomore year of high school. When I transferred in, despite all my advanced curriculum credits and acheivements, I was placed in "normal" classes, which to me were not normal, but instead SLOW and BORING and UNCHALLENGING and CLASSES I HAD ALREADY COMPLETED. Most egregious was math, where I should have been taking Pre-calculus I was instead placed in fucking Geometry. Do you KNOW how far behind me was? I took Geometry in 8th grade, now as a Sophomore, I was taking it again! My discontent was made known when I informed the teacher my placement was an error that would be corrected. And soon enough, corrected it was and I was placed back on the correct trajectory, Advanced Placement or Pre-Advanced Placement over regular curriculum classes, and I had enough credits leveraged to be the sole sophomore student in Pre-Calculus, an advanced Junior-level class, placing me back in my throne of being two years ahead of my peers in mathematics. Though this time I sat alone, as my friend was now also alone at Deer Park in their advanced trajectories. To say I slept through Sophomore Year is a literal statement. I had not yet given up on returning to my stomping grounds in deer Park, and was convinced once Open Enrollment opened up I could be returned. So I sought no permanent ties and no reason to root myself at La Porte. When lecture was finished, and my busy work was done, I would place my head down on the desk, and I would sleep, or pretend to sleep rather, as often times I was just staring at the dark side of my eyelids, imagining being out of this awful place. I began efforts to reconnect with the world I spent a year away from.

That first year in La Porte high school proved to be transformative for many. I felt an outsider among "my people" who didn't seem all too eager to spend time with or around me. My best friend had made a habit of lying and behaving in performative ways that were untrue to the person I grew up with. My few California friends, and the very special friends I had made through the YouTube comments section that I only knew digitally, seemed to be the only real friends I had, and they weren't around to help me. They could only hear my cries of agony as I languished in self-imposed social exile at school, and suffered being the ugly buckling in my herd of deer. Things weren't any better at home. Teenage angst and a lifetime of dysfunction pitted my father and I against each other many, many times. if ever there was a worst year of my life, it was Sophomore Year, and it really isn't any wonder then why I don't remember most of it, and how much of it has been intentionally, or subconsciously blocked out and forgotten as the darkest time in my life. Dark, because there was an absence of light.

The only thing that shone through the dark was the school's AV class, which was carried by a kind bleeding heart named Mr. Z, who noticed my abilities within audio video production and sought to advance me into his pet-class, LPTV. I told him, rather coldly, it wasn't going to happen, not because I didn't want it, because I did truthfully really, REALLY wanted to be in that class, but because "I was going to go back to Deer Park". At the end of the year I signed up for the class anyways, just in case. Sure enough, I didn't go back to Deer Park. I was rejected, again, it stung less this time. By this point, I had just about given up on my old "found family". I didn't feel respected or involved, they never invited me to things, and when I would show up I was greeted with cold shoulders. I'm painting with a broad brush. Some of them liked me. Some of them maintained a friendship with me. But the group dynamic was gone, and I felt homeless. This isolation, it paired poorly with an unfortunately popular online trend at the time. As you may know, this was around 2015-2016, when the internet was at its edgiest. Filthy Frank, the content creator I had grown to idolize, as introduced to me by the girl I was infatuated by, became a model for my humor that was just not flying around the group I wanted to be a part of. In fact, provocative, "ironic" awfulness only ever ensured I drifted apart from them. They didn't have the context, they didn't have the intimate understanding of irony. They didn't know, that the person acting like an asshole wasn't trying to BE an asshole, but was just trying to make them laugh by behaving like an asshole, because its.... Ironic.

Or is it? It turns out that when you behave like an ass, people will view you as an ass. No amount of context, irony, or excuses change the outcome of your intentions. In going into their group chats to shitpost and say offensive or derogatory statements as a childish and immature form of "satire, social commentary, or pure comedy" I was further pushing those people I cared about away. In the end, it only made for the perfect excuse to leave me behind, one fateful night when my "trolling" took things to the logical conclusion. Discontent from disconnectedness, I pushed the line as far as I could until I crossed it, using edginess to be combative and truly playing on an offensive, I lit the the match that burned the tattered bridge between my former friends and myself. When confronted for my behavior I spoiled the safety of our space further by adding my online friends who none of them knew, telling my rallied forces that this was a trolling campaign in retaliation to wrongs done to me, that I was being ganged on and needed reinforcements. Ever loyal, my "true" friends stood by my side and dished out further damage, until any hope of restoring my old relationships was lost. The few who remained attached to me reached out for understanding, trying to figure me out, and wanting to be heard I attempted to rationalize my behavior, that I believed the old ties would need to be burned away so that new ones could be built over them, stronger than ever, likening myself to a phoenix and making known a desire for reconciliation. But who wants to reconcile with a belligerent? Why would you want to take the hand of the person who pushed you over and spit on you? Its easier to pick yourself up and walk away from the person who hurt you in the first place, so that's what most of them did.

The two who stuck around, olive branches and good graces extended to me, only really served as a reminder of all I had lost in my blaze of ironic glory. I wanted them to make up for lost time and severed ties, I wanted the comfort and safety of the family I didn't have at home. They did what they could, I do believe, but no one can stay close to a burning flame forever, lest they be burned as the others were. I maintained these final friendships as long as I could, desperate for a place to belong, desperate for companionship and to be close to people who valued me, only to learn for the final time that I do not matter to people just because they matter to me. In attempting to find solace with one of these friends, I confided in him the stress I was under due to the volatile conditions at home. His response? "Stop talking about your problems".

What is a friendship, if we cannot struggle together? Lean on each other when times are hard, find safety in each others confidence? Well, the discontentedness reared its ugly head again, and let out a final roar. This bridge was to be burned to ash and left to settle in the river, never to be built again.

I grew antagonistic, picking fights, arguments, anything. Anything I could to provoke so that we could settle the space between us with a truth: DO NOT CROSS, we are not friends. Eventually, he bit and in some very spirited DMs I became the worst version of myself I could have been. I played the role of the villain, allowing him to be the victim of angry, hate-fueled lashing with words. Telling him everything I thought, everything I felt, and layering it all with language that would give me the appearance of evil, so that we could go from this false friendship into a new phase: former friends. I wanted him to hate me so that I would never have to think about him again. And amidst all the irony I claimed to post, the greatest was this: I've never stopped thinking about that friend.

Because I did him dirty, I sabotaged the frayed threads dangling our friendship on its ends, severing the connection with a finality that would leave no room for redemption. It is the one falling out in life I regret the most, and the one I carry the most shame over, because despite what perceived slights or interpreted falseness existed in the rippling reflections between us, he was my friend, and I did care about him.

This self-destructive, "I will become the villain you made me into" was a recurrent motif in my high school years. When push came to shove, and trouble poked its ugly head out from hiding, I would release whatever pent up frustration existed inside me and wear it as a mask to become the phantom of my own terrible opera. Creating such despicable characters that would ruin the relationships I had once so eagerly cared for. There was another girl, many of you know the story, most of you at this point may not. I was troubled, and she was constantly in trouble. When I first fell for her I prophesized my own ruin of the friendship when I thought to myself what our future may look like. Rolling an 8-ball in my head, the outlook was not so good. We grew close, I learned of her boyfriend, I found every fault he had, every failure of a partner he embodied, and I poked, prodded, needled and sowed the seeds of their destruction, pulling loose threads and yanking carpets, I helped manifest a much-desired break-up. In my defense he was a loser who didn't understand consent and he desperately needed to be done away with, but my intentions where not so pure as protecting a friend, so much as they were to get this person single, now aided by the knowledge that he was despicable. So desperate to fill the gaps, I turned him and his silly, absent minded quotes into a running joke between us, helping grow us closer. We found ourselves on the phone every night, sometimes even Skype, in a time before discord, we'd fall asleep listening to each other breathe. Then there was another guy who came along, bolder than me, proclaiming his love for she. I realized then that I hadn't completed my machinations, having only made her single. I followed after him, detailing my desire. She relented, and the two of us agreed to "figure it out" and "take it slow". Little did I know, slow was merely a pace at which time could be bought for someone to come along much bolder than me, once again. In a dramatic twist of fate, this man abandoned his girlfriend to seduce the girl I was fixated on, wrecking it all in one fell swoop. Despite a previous promise I had made to not feel betrayed should she dare to stray onto a new path without me(for I swore my love was selfless and unwanting), all I could feel was fear, fear and rage and confusion at the alarming bell of rejection and failure. It didn't help that the situation at my home didn't fare any better, as my father struck my mother. All that timid mild-mannered patience burst once again as I let loose the anger I had buried within. Thus, we find ourselves in a loop, as I had written about this friend whom I hurt, back in the entry where I wrote about Hulk, Bloodrayne, and my father. In the fallout of my rampage in which I promised to become the evil one to be so despised once again, I simultaneously swore that I was to become a phoenix once more and be reborn. How many times was that, then? From a Christian baptised under a new name, to an atheist shedding off some shame, I fell to a new rock bottom after playing a heart's game. Neither would this be the last time, as I was again born again the day I stepped away from the degree I was expected to see. Then once more when I shed my hair to please all but myself. How many times must I be broken and remade before Robbie Bland ceases to mean anything at all?

Whatever the case, lets tie up this knot: despite it all, the tumult and pain, the two of us eventually found a satisfactory friendship in which our wounds could be mended and our hearts healed over. Despite my manipulations and false intentions, I respected this friend enough to apologize and forgive. Something the people we left in our past paths often neglected to do. It took awhile, but I got over her too. That's when and why this blog was made. I felt I needed to vent without becoming sus, so I wrote here, into a void where no one would see or care, but me. My own little channel for accountability. A place to confess and profess, to avoid protest and getting lost in my own head. In truth, I've found this place to be a refuge and a safe place, a fortress of solitude to brood and reflect. I forced myself to a breaking point mentally and emotionally so that I could begin learning to let go. Let go of all the shattered pieces of my broken heart, let go of all the bruises left by my father's belt, and let go of all the hatred I bore for the man in the mirror. In the last 5 or 6 years, I've come a long way from hiding in the corner of my shared bedroom typing my insomnia away. I made a breakthrough big enough to share, and eventually found I could make this place a record of all the writings I've made. And why? Well, sometimes the answer is why not? I want to feel like people know who I am, and that they can accept me in spite of my flaws, my past, and my failures. I want to be known, and I want to get to know, all of you. To do that, I must first cast off the rags of shame that shroud me, and tell the truth. I am tormented by failure. I want to be a leader, but I fear that when trusted with the position I will let people down and hurt them. I often tell myself that power corrupts, but as I age I want to instead believe that power reveals. Not that it corrodes you and warps you, but instead brings out who and what you truly are. In that, I must strive to be the best I can be. My starting point, so that I may earn the love and the trust and the acceptance I so covet, I must first learn to love, trust, and accept myself, by loving, trusting, and accepting you.

And so this is what its all been about. Getting to this moment, letting my scars be visible, the proof of my shortcomings, the reveal of my sins and my sorrows, as Kratos reveals the scars left on his arms by the chains which seared into his skin when he accepted the blades of chaos and service to Ares, I want my friends, the truest family I have ever known, to see me and know me. When my dad was in therapy he would share some of the lessons he learned with me. One of the most sticking was the piece of wisdom his therapist gave him when he was told that we all "tell yourself a story" about your life. It can be a good story, a bad story, whatever the narrative, it informs your perspective and the things you see and interpret as you navigate life. If the story you tell yourself is that you are a victim, of circumstance, society, a bad upbringing, or whatever else it is that has done you harm, you will live as a victim of those things. If you tell yourself that everyone is out to get you, to betray you, to twist you into their own machinations and manipulations, you will begin to perceive your friends as opportunists and groomers or worse. If you tell yourself that because you have a disability, you'll never be able to get out of bed and live your life, then you won't ever try to live with that disability. You'll just lay in bed and rot. That is mostly where manifestation comes from. If you tell yourself you'll meet your true love at the shopping mall on Thursday, well, you're certainly going to go looking, aren't you? And that's where the limits begin, you can control your perception of events, people, and all things inbetween through the way you frame them, but you can't actually control them. When someone hurts your feelings, you can decide to linger on the pain, or work to move past it, but you can't stop that person from hurting you altogether. For a long time, the story I have told myself of my life is that I am my fathers' son, and that I am doomed to fail and fall into cycle after cycle as my fathers fathers before me. That despite my reformations, I am a dormant volcano waiting to erupt in awful fire one day, that I cannot be trusted to lead or to help because I am more likely to cause further harm than healing. Maybe all of these things are true, made true by precedent and environment and trauma and colorful re-interpretations of my own life story. But if life is what we make it, let us make good.

I will continue to strive towards a better self. Because if even the monstrous Ghost of Sparta can find redemption, so too can we, if we choose to be better.

Break the hard chains of fate, roads we walk we create, for our future are wide and vast, I can choose to be better, at last.

Afterword, Epilogue, Circling Back to Square One...

How fitting that as I wrap up this journal entry, Santa Monica Studios releases a FREE DLC to the newest game, God of War Ragnarok, "Valhalla" a series of challenge maps where Kratos re-lives some of his greatest battles as the Valhalla of the GOW world is a never-ending series of battles pulled from your own lived experiences, even the past you wanted to bury. Kratos eventually finds himself back in Greece, battling minotaurs and sirens, just like old times, even re-living past events, which are now vivid traumas as Kratos is made to confront his own worst decisions. Such as times he killed needlessly, selfishly, to forward his own goals, now forced to face the consequences of them and try to find new solutions. He even finds himself with a familiar and loathsome companion, Helios, the God of the Sun, whose head is strapped to his belt and constantly pesters and berates him for the evil he made Greece suffer upon the slaying of their sun god, plunging them into eternal darkness. This all culminates in a final, climactic, one-sided confrontation wherein Kratos stares down his past self, sitting on the throne of the God of War, and makes peace. Recognizing his growth, accepting his past and understanding it, and choosing to have hope for his future. Ultimately retiring to that dreadful throne, now with a newfound calm, as he realizes it can be a throne which gives people hope. Kratos chooses to be better. And so have I.

This year did not go entirely as I wanted. I'd say it went about halfway. My goals were somewhat met. I DID workout, pretty regularly until about September. I fell off hard, stopped getting regular sleep and eating well, and just kind of, coasted. I had gained, enough muscle that I COULD dress as Kratos without doing myself a disservice, but I still have a long way to go. I DID shave my head, as you all saw, and it has been well received. I don't like it very much, but what else was there to expect? I liked having long hair. I like the way it felt in the wind, now the wind just feels cold. I liked brushing it when I was bored, I liked the feeling of washing it when it was too greasy. I liked the way it looked in pictures when it was extra poofy and wild. I liked how untamed it could get and how that made me feel. I felt like myself. And now, I have the memories.

These were taken the night before, at my best friend Liz's bachelor party. The next day was the Halloween Party and then the day after that was his wedding. A packed weekend. It feels somewhat like looking at a ghost when I see these pictures(how fitting that someone aspiring to become the Ghost of Sparta sees themselves as a ghost?), receiving them so soon after I had shaved sent a deep series of butterflies into my system, I knew then what I still know now, I'm going to miss my hair. But it won't come back. I made this decision, I'm gonna live with it. Other people like it. No one has said, "I miss the way you used to look". Oh well. I can't go back even if I wanted to, it was already thinning and falling out on its own, in the process of re-growth it would only continue doing that. Maybe when I'm in my 40s and its socially acceptable again to have a partially bald head it can come back. Time will tell. I reject paying a subscription fee to some drug company to get a full head of hair, and I will never be vain enough to buy implants. Cosmetic surgery as a whole is kinda lame to me. I'm more interested in finding a way to embrace what nature has made me. I sold myself on the idea not because my friends told me I was ugly with my hair, but because I wanted to dress up as Kratos, and now that I've done it, the options for cosplay are wide open. I think of how the Epic Rap Battles of History guys keep their heads shaved because they always wear wigs and prosthetics and whatnot to become the different characters they portray in their videos, and I think I can chart my own path down that trail. After all, I've always enjoyed being Darth Maul...

In middle school and freshman year of high school he WAS my go-to Halloween costume for like 3-4 years in a row. I got so good at drawing his face-tattoos that I didn't need a reference photo(or figure) by the last few times. Instead of wearing a bald cap I would just put the hood up to cover my hair and only use those first three horns. Now that I have a shaven head, the possibilities are wide open. I can do a Darth Maul cosplay with a full head of horns. I'd just have to ditch the beard, for a little bit. It grows back fast enough I wouldn't miss it for long. I think that is what I will do. Darth Maul @ Star Bandits Halloween Party 2024.

In other news, I didn't quite get the finances together, in fact I only created more problems for myself, but I am figuring them out and keeping my head above the water. I've created an accountability system with my grandmas to create some long-term savings, and its being taken care of. I've gotten used to working a bunch to pay for this expensive life, and I have no intention of scaling back, just working harder. The pajama pants are off, the purple pants are in.

I've finished 4 stop-motions that are in various stages of editing. My 2024 game-plan is to post one video a month. Abandoning my previous "post it when its done" strategy. I'm developing a release schedule and a content cycle that will hopefully actually stimulate growth for blandclanvideos. I want to find a way to make money on this passion of mine, and I think I can get monetization in 2024 if I just don't let up. We will see! I've never felt more optimistic though. I finally passed 500 subscribers after ten years. The sky truly is the limit if I develop the discipline for consistency!

In other, bigger news I was able to put an original work to stage after the inaugural STARGAZE Theater Festival, brought to you by THE STAR BANDITS in association with STAR BANDIT FOUNDATION. I am a councilman and board member to this silly little found family and nonprofit of mine. My life enjoyed a full circle moment as after many long years since the 8th grade, where my short play I directed for the end of year showcase never made it to stage, a new debut show, "Robin Hood vs Dracula" written, directed by, and starring me got put to stage in its place, and it was loved. My crowd pleasing show was well received, and my confidence as a writer/director/actor have never been more affirmed. I finally feel ready to make Downturn. Just have to get my money up to pay for it... The future does truly look bright. I'm excited for what this new year brings. Not finding myself filled with an inner turbulence and dread, I don't know how much I will write in this new year. Instead, I feel much like the guy this has all been about, Kratos himself. I, kind of just want to sit here awhile...

Until next time, when my restless spirit needs to find solace in the clickity clack of fast moving fingers across a keyboard. I am Robbie Bland, and I am choosing To Be Better.

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