#cause thats not what im talking about. but i feel like better people than me would make that connection in a smart way too

[meateater-lamb]

(dont read the tags actually)

#vent #god this year has been so fucking hard man #and things have been so strained with my friend #and i love them so much. theyre my best friend. but at this point are they? #cause they just keep getting pissed at me over everything #and acting really weird #and theyve just. turned into this unendingly angry and negative person to the point i feel like i can barely talk to them anymore #they are so short tempered which i mean they always have been but just not with ME yknow #like they for ten years were always so kind to me and weve always gotten along well #until the last like year #and i know theyre in a bad place but jesus theyve made it so hard to even hold a conversation anymore #and i mean i think things will get better if they can get out of their current situation. i really think we can go back to normal but just. #not til then. cause they seem like the only coping mechanism they use is pure fucking anger #and now theyve started directing it at me and im just. getting tired. #i cant tell if they are purposely pushing me away or not. but thats whats happening either way. #and its awful bc i just feel like its all my fault. like im not good enough #im not helpful enough im too annoying im just. not good enough care about anymore #they make me feel like none of my problems are important anymore and like i shouldnt even mention it if im struggling #meanwhile all they do is vent and rant and im really really tired but i dont think i can say anything #im trying to open myself up to being social with people other than them again. #they used to be my best safe space but now they arent anymore #but im still going to be there for them the best i can cause they dont deserve to be abandoned when theyre struggling #but i just hope they can get in a better place and idk. realize theyre kinda being a dick all the time #ugh idk #dont read this shit i just need to get my thoughts straight idk. #i was scrollin when i started thinkin abt this thats the only reason im writin on here abt it #probably gonna delete it in an hour anyway #moon

[theclosetedskeleton]

WHOLESOME POSTING STARTS NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3333333333

#you dont get how much i wanna explode right now #/VVVVPOS #i dont wanna go rest because i need to feel this joy and whimsy #hmmmm!!!!!!!!!! i really wonder who is the cause of this !!!!!!! #you guys will never guess (camera pans to my qpp) #!!!!!!!!!!! #I LOVE HIM SO MUCH <3333333/GEN/QP #EVERYTHING. about my qpp is PERFECT #“but--” your argument is instantly rejected. Why? because its WRONG!!!! MY QPP IS SO AMAZING AND PERFECT AND WONDERFUL AND AND #THE LOVELIEST PERSON ALIVE IS MY QPP???? HOWWW <333 #HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY #i feel like that one person trapped and then my qpp is just that one mercy angel image DO YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABT #LIKE THERES 8 BILLION PEOPLE OUT THERE. ME??? #I couldnt ask for anyone better #because NOBODY is better than my qpp <33333 #I have never wanted to shake and smile and grin and bounce off the walls because of someone before meeting it i guess thats saying a lot #guys i literally STIMMED thinking abt my qpp <3333 #jarvis show me how i can give all of my love and more to this lovely person #its 12am and instead of sleeping or studying for a test i have in 8 hours I am filled to the brim with sappiness #no WONDER music artists write about love all the time <333 #/qp #/gen #closet rambles again on tumblr #<333333

[shitbrainratface]

Srry i am very chatty today but i noticed the pipeline of

I want to die -> I want to be someone else -> I want to be me with a different life -> I want the plans I've made in my life to be easier to fulfill and that I could be more sure that I even can fulfill them

to be such a huge improvement and I'm proud

/ok to rb

#i find it funny when i talk about the state i am in and ppl seem so sad #like oh you cant drive oh you cant live on your own oh you need a caregiver... i wish you a good recovery #bitch i am recovered! just because my best point is worse than your lowest point doesnt mean i havent made huge steps #or like i talk about my insecurities #and theyre like well i hope you feel better about yourself #nonono its a good thing! because I get up and I look in the mirror and I feel negative emotion and thats it #i dont insult myself i dont feel dread or suicidal about it anymore #i just feel bad! and that bad feeling doesnt even last the rest of the day - I can forget about it easily now! #like ik ''i dislike how i look'' is sad for a lot of people but like... its such an improvement from ''if i look in a mirror i suddenly #develope delusions that my appearance is causing my girlfriend to cheat on me and that everyone wants me dead'' #its honestly like... i was talking with a trans woman who was thinking of coming out and transitioning #and she was like ''but im scared that i wont like the way i look #and everyone says i will but what if i dont'' #and i told her ''you have no idea how freeing it is to look in the mirror & dislike the way you look & still be happy and proud of your #physical changes'' #''imagine seeing yourself and instead of wanting to cry and scream and kill someone you go 'eh could be better' and then feel fine the rest #of the day'' #and the best part: I fully accept that there are other people who can find me attractive now #if i take a nude and i think it sucks then I send it anyways bc hey they see something in me that i cant and thats wonderful #and she said it really helped her bc that reality seemed so much more attainable than sudden radical self love #and maybe some day i will love myyself and love my appearance but even just where I am right now I think its pretty good #just.... i can not stress how freeing it is to be okay with yourself after a life time of thinking my appearance was the end of the world #im not going to lie - i am still incredibly jealous of hot ppl especially hot ppl who get a lot of compliments #but atleast being around hot people doesnt trigger me into a defensive scared mess anymore

[lilacponds]

sometimes i think im too chronically online and then i see some opinions around and im like

takes drag from cigarette

im too old for this

#i dont know the right term for this but. #im so tired of the concept that people cannot be allowed to grow and learn from their mistakes #sometimes im tempted to throw all my dirty laundry out here just to see who sticks around? #like i grew up in a toxic environment with shitty bigoted ideas. of course growing up i internalized a lot of them #i was unhealthy and i was toxic and all i can hope for is that there isnt anything i havent weeded out inside of me #but i was growing up. i didnt know better. people sometimes just Dont Know Better #and of course no one HAS to forgive someone thats hurt them #but people cant as a society disregard that people CAN learn and grow from their mistakes #and become better people #and that theyre not the people that they used to be when they were 13 or 16 or even 20 if theyre older than that #human beings are in constant state of change #idk im too tired to get into cancel culture and purity culture #and my brain just took a pit stop at the discourse of prison rehabilitation somewhere in there but im not knowledgeable enough to park there #cause thats not what im talking about. but i feel like better people than me would make that connection in a smart way too #and NO this isnt about serial killers or rapists or abusers for the love of god. have some critical thinking skills #theres some discussion about ethics and empathy to be had but im not touching that even with a 7ft pole #THIS IS NOT A CALL FOR DISCOURSE. LEAVE ME BE. ITS JUST VENTING #Charlie chatters

[doomednarrative]

Having revelations about my identity again and tbh its not actually as like earth shattering to my sense of self as I expected it to be

#will elaborate more here in the tags so its not a longass post #but tldr: I'm not asexual like I thought I was for 8 fuckin years! #and im actually happy with figuring that out #the label worked well for me when i needed it for what i needed it for but now it does not fit any longer #and im cool with that #this doesnt make asexuality an invalid label or anything of course its just not the one that actually applies to me as it turns out #not to get too into gritty details but like #i was mistaking my issues with dysphoria and some trauma based shit as well as general repression issues due to my upbringing #with being ace #because it caused some similar feelings and disconnects for a long time #but as ive had time to heal and actually be around other friends and people who helped foster a safe enviornment to explore my shit #ive found im not actually asexual #im uh. much more open to kink than I previously thought but i wont elaborate on that on this account at least #but still it is a thing. recent revelation #anyways yeah thats whats going on #this years been a Lot in terms of like reconfiguring and finding out new shit about my personal identity #but in a very good way #think i understand myself better now than i ever did and it feels nice #me talking

[be-good-to-bugs]

why havent i been talking to the much much cooler and better older sister who is a furry and super nice and fun to talk to and cares about my opinions and feelings instead of the one who cant respect boundaries and makes me feel like a mistake and doesnt care abt how i feel

#the bin #shes also the only normal person in my family #and when i say normal i mean it in a treats other people with respect way not in a societally normal way #cause she the least 'normal' of my family in that way. which is a good thing. be a freak. autism makes u cooler by default #idk. she sthe only person who i feel like actually cares about me and my opinion and wants to hear what i have to say and views me right #i wish we talked more when i was younger. shes so nice. i hope when i move we can houngout together more and maybe watch some movies #and talk abt stuff or smth. we r probably gonna play some games together soon which is nice #i miss her. i think i can also talk to her abt how our other sister kinda sucks. i know she views her pretty highly or at least used to but #i still think i can. i dont think itll make her uncomfortable. #ive been looking over the past years with my other sister and they havent really been any good mostly #ive just been so isolated and sad that it was better than nothing but its past that point now #if id had other people to talk to then i wouodnt have soent so much time with someone making me feel worse #i also think shes just made me a worse person overall. more judgemental. the past year ive become very against that trying hard to not #and she gets very upset with me when im like hey. yknow. id rather assume the best of random strangers not doing anything that bad #i dont wanna assume everyone is an inconsiderate asshole because they arent. life circumstances we dont know about could be #the reason for this honestly pretty mild inconvenience. if u wanna think otherwise then thats fine but dont day it around me #idk. im tired of it. im still super sad but ive become a much more bright and hopeful person because im trying to be #it actually sucks to view the whole world as horrible and everyone around you ass horrible #idk. maybe i can get my other sister to do the fun stuff with me i dont like doing alone #cause it makes me unbelievably sad to realize i dont have anyone to ask anymore at all. period. but maybe it doesnt have to be that way

[oreoov]

HIHII POOKIE!! IM INLOVE W YOUR WRITING SO I RLLY WANNA REQ!

Imagine like you were shipping bestfriend!kazuha/xiao (pick whichever!) with someone else, but he likes you and gets abit frustrated when he keeps giving you hints but their so subtle you don't notice em?

FEEL FREE TO PICK HOW YOU WANNA END IT, MWAH!!

☆ ─ 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐄𝐄? 𝐈 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔, 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐇𝐄𝐑 .. .ᐟ

bestfriend!xiao x gn!reader / angst (?) & fluff / modern au <3

note ; bye i screamed when i saw this BUT OFFCCCC, i was gonna do kazuha because likes hes just so hdidjdisidi but i haven't done xiao in a while so YEAHHH, BTW ILYY TYSM FOR REQUESTING <33

synopsis ; xiao kept giving you subtle hints that he likes you ... but you never seemed to noticed them, and even started shipping him with someone else ..?

the bell finally rang after what felt like hours on end ... you and xiao were making your way to the cafeteria together, right before some girl bumped into xiao as she was in a hurry.

the sudden crash had caused her to drop all her books, and like what any person would do, xiao helped pick them up and returned it to who it belonged to. he even gave her a subtle smile as she thanked him before leaving.

"oooohh!! was that a smile i saw? hmm?" you teased him as you both resumed your walk to the cafeteria.

xiao gave you a confused look as he didn't understand why it was a big deal to you. "you're the one who told me to smile more ..?"

"okay well─ umm─ thats different!! you dont usually smile at people ... or .. YOU LIKE HER? is that it?!" you were literally onto nothing ...

from a confused look, he turned into a 'wtf?' look ... "what? i smile a lot more with you anyways ..." xiao mumbled the last part as he thought it was quite embarassing to say, he just hoped you would catch on already.

but you completely ignored what he said and started feeding your delusions to him again!

"its okay to admit that you were kinda into her xiao, you guys made eye contact for like 0.2 seconds ... like, dude she literally wants you so bad .."

"???"

"it's okay xiao we know you're new to all this."

"no i dont like her─"

"shhh ... i dont wanna hear it!"

but he likes you, not some random girl he crashed into, and might've thought that you would already notice .. maybe he needs to make it more obvious?

the next day as you were both passing the lockers in the hallway, you couldn't help but notice the girl that crashed into xiao yesterday.

"omg, thats the girl from yesterday!! you should totally talk to her right now, this is literally your chance!" you said as you nudge xiaos elbow.

but he didn't want to. he wasn't interested at her at all, especially when there's someone way better right beside him after all.

"how many times do i have to tell you? im not interested in her whatsoever." xiao groaned as you kept insisting to.

"but why notttt? you guys would look cute together .. plus shes super pretty too ..."

"no, even you look better than that?" xiao looked at you, just for him to turn away again as his gaze meets yours. you're the prettiest one in his eyes and no one else! was it that hard for you to understand?

xiao was laced with frustration as you kept babbling nonsense about xiao and that oh, so, pretty girl and how cute they would be together.

you probably didn't even seem to notice that he basically just called you pretty ...

he was on the verge of confessing to you right then and there. but at the same time, he couldn't. what if you didn't feel the same way? what if you were just purposely ignoring the hints he gave you as a sign of rejection? he would never know.

meanwhile, you noticed that xiao has gone quite. has he grown upset? "heyy .. alright im sorry! i didn't know you'd get that upset ... ill stop now i promise!" you mumbled with a pile full of guilt.

"if i were really to be with her, how would you feel?" xiao unexpectedly blurted out, he was even surprised at his own words. but still, he wanted to know.

"uhh .. wha- what do you mean?" you were bewildered by the sudden question. it was unsual for xiao to ask such things, especially with his cold demeanor.

"if i were to be with her, wouldn't that mean most of my time with you would be taken away?"

the thought of that had never came across your head. it actually doesn't feel right anymore. in simple words, the thought of another girl taking xiao away from you? hell no ...

there was an awkward silence between the two of you before you finally spoke up. "i dont know ..."

xiao sighed as he set his eyes on you. "good, cause i don't know what I'll do if you were with someone else either." xiao mumbled out quitely, barely even audible.

but you heard it. you heard all of it, is he trying to say that he ...

"huh?"

xiao huffed as he still needed to explain it to your slow brain. "archons, how oblivious are you? i like you. was that not clear from the start?"

you didn't know why, but you felt like you had to chuckled a bit at his frustration. "okayy, okay im sorry!! okay but i swear i noticed a bit but i wasn't sure alright??"

"and yet you were so sure that i liked that other girl when i don't even know her name .."

"IM SORRY!!! but i guess i like you too by the way ... hehe .."

even that was enough to leave xiao completely flustered.

extra notes : HELP THE ENDING WAS KINDA SCUFFED IM SO BAD AT WRITING CONFESSION STUFF SORRY LMAOO also this was not meant to be that sad 😭

─ masterlist.

#xiao x gn reader #genshin impact #genshin fluff #genshin x you #genshin fanfic #genshin imagines #xiao angst #xiao #xiao x reader #adeptus xiao #xiao fluff #xiao imagines #xiao headcanons #xiao x you

[weird-bookworm]

LET'S SPREAD SOME LOVE!!!!!

talk about your favourite mutuals and why you like them

😄

oh god this is gonna be one hell of an answer

@fairyhaos because shes the sweetest comfiest most adorably chaotic lil ball of energy + she gives the best advice like hello??? what are you??? oh god my heart goes a little off track everytime we talk i just love you so much

@wheeboo okay shes part 2 of the they-make-me-feel-the-safest trio along w yena and axe like please i stumbled across the sweetest sassiest boo stan ever ALSO UR GORGEOUS???

@blue-jisungs axeaxeaxeaxeaxe so chaotically lovely and so boomer and so fun and yoid think shes savage but no shes just soft and as harmful as a pinecone (why do u remind me of tht one joon meme of him just. sitting there. peeling potatoes. in tiny.)

@slytherinshua we kinda talked less for a while bc life happened and then caught up (kinda lol) and im so glad to see shes still as crazy and lovable as ever (im waiting for tht ppt) like talk abt impressive. impressive is her whole personality. sometimes in, uh, less than conventional ways...hehe

@eternalgyu HANNIE WHERE TF R U I MISS UUUUUUUU 😭😭😭😭🫶🏻 like yk what i imagine when i think of hannie? causing mischief. LIKE IDEK WHY OKAY i just feel like we'd be running around giggling like idiots js pulling random pranks on people and js the thought makes me smile

@yllouhannie ylli is like love. ylli is gentle and kind and sweet. shes understanding and passionate and really quite cute. oh my love you make me wanna jump off a cliff because how can someone like you exist 😭 (no srsly what is this witchcraft ilysm mwah)

@woozvc nora is like home. which is saying a lot lmao i sound dramatic but like yk when u just talk to someone and it feels just right even tho ur not rly doing much? shes older but she lets go and i can just feel how absolutely beautiful this person is *melts off a cliff*

@welcometomyoasis shu oh shu i have no words so pardon if this is a little small but. ik i say this a lot but i rly do mean it. i love you. so much. yr msgs and reblogs and asks always make a smile and they make me giddy and suddenly nothing is wrong with the world 🥺

@haecien bro is my ultimate gay bestie like what else do you need in life other than cien. what. nothing is the answer. life is complete when u hv cien and his shenanigans lolol like i dare you try to Not like him. i m p o s s i b l e.

@glosskirt AYYYYY MY ARMY SOULMATE we connected over min yoongi. we still rant over min yoongi. we shall die talking about min yoongi. like there is nothing better than having someone to fangirl with over my favs gloss you filled a hole in my life <3

@mesanthropi weiwei!!!! my little bundle of sugar spice and everything nice!! (+ chaos and a passion about the randomest shit ever how do u live why am i not this exciting) how is it always fun to talk to you and why do ur msgs excite me so much

@aaniag chaos. thats it. chaos. this woman brought with her about half a dozen more desi moots for me like how do i hug you how do i appreciate you enough i ugghhhh 😩

@thepoopdokyeomtouched im still waiting for my flirting yk? lol on a serious note, u and ur crazy streak r probably the most entertaining thing on here, and i fucking love it. i love ur chaos and the fact tht u choose to share it w me, thank you 🫶🏻

@arafilez bro rly dropped outta thin air like a fucking ghost and made my life abt a 100x more exciting where were you my entire life ara. where. why didnt the atz rants and the writing and the random asks show up sooner. why.

@nonononranghaee HAFS MY LIL CUTIE PATOOTIE WHY DO I ALWAYS WANNA SQUISH U NOMNOM U CRUSH U KSKSJEHEH u give me so much cuteness aggression oh my god...

@kkooongie sarah sarah sarah sarah sarah i live for ur writing and im always looking forward to our little chats abt books and random stuff (...when r u updating btw 😅)

@maeleelee @mxnsxngie @imagine-a-life-like-this i don't tell you guys enough how much i love and appreciate each one of you. i dont tell u enough how grateful i am whenever i think abt u bc god ik how hard it is to take in a random person in ur circle, to adjust w a kid, to make said kid feel safe and included and loved. so thank you. for all that you do for me and for loving lil ol' me <3

@cadenonlinelive where u at damn i hvnt seen u in ages

@rubywonu @idubiluv GUYS STOP HIBERNATING ITS NOT WINTER ANYMORE I MISS U

[kumezyzo]

thinking about how lowkey toxic a relationship with corpse would be....

warning, this is very angsty. to the point where i lowkey shed a tear writing this. and that doesnt usually happen lol.

gn!reader (as far as im aware) and sorry for the typos if there are any... 😁

anyway, enjoy! or dont :) m.list

it would prolly just start with you two hanging out. going over to his apartment, maybe hooking up once in a blue moon. but you two mainly cuddling and spending the days together in the dark rooms of his apartment.

he would try to hide from you how much pain he was in when you were around. but it wasnt hard to miss how he would wince at tiny movements and never be able to rest with you in his arms.

and when it got really bad, he hated how you helped him get around with no questions. how you so simply wanted to help him out because you cared. how you would even help him shower, bring in his groceries, cook for him, feed him if you had to.

he hated it because you cared more than anyone had before and you werent even dating. he wished you would just give up on him because it was too much. he wished you would just finally tell him 'hey... we need to talk' because maybe then it would be easier to hate you. but the truth is, he could never hate you. not anymore.

"so... you dont want to be in a relationship?" you asked quietly, confused more than anything. you look at his scarred face and messy head of dark curls. "...why?"

he sighed, "because this is too much," you scoffed, only more confused than before.

"what is?" you looked at him like he was crazy.

"...you," he said lowly, his voice resonating deep in his chest as he ran a hand over his face. you felt your heart pang as you diverted your eyes from him. you pursed your lips and your breathing got heavier. "well- not you- just-... this isnt worth the trouble im putting you through. that i will put you through."

"thats not for you to decide," you tell him, shaking your head at him. "I can choose when to call it quits and so far, im still fucking here."

you couldnt help but be offended. who wouldnt be after the person you care about is pushing you away. as far as you know, its unfair and incredibly ignorant.

"yea but how long until youre not?" he asked back angrily. "how long until you realize you can be doing so much more than taking care of me?"

"i dont want to be doing more! i want to be with you!" you tell him incredulously. he sighs and wets his lips, shaking his head at you. "do you just not want to be with me?"

he looks at you as if you had just said the earth was flat, "of course i do."

"so then why cant we?" you ask in complete exasperation. "what the fuck is the problem?"

"youre too fucking good for me!" he yelled back stepping closer to you. he threw his arms up in defeat, "is that what you want me to tell you? cause its fucking true. and i love you too much to let you rot away beside me."

your expression softens as your eyes dart back and forth between his eyes. in that moment you were speechless. and not because he had told you that he loved you, no you already knew that from his actions. it was the way he had said it. with more emotion than you could have expected from him.

"what if i wanted to 'rot away beside you'?" you asked him quietly.

"then you'd be an idiot," he says simply. "because we both know you have better shit to do. and better people to do that for."

you inhale deeply and release it as another exasperated sigh, "i love you," you say, emphasizing every word. "and its up to me whether or not i stay with you."

"and its up to me whether or not i want you here," he says crossing his arms. you feel you heart pang again, causing painful tingles to run down your arms and settle deep in your palms. "you need to run while you can. fucking get out of here before this gets more fucked up and shitty." you watched as he pointed between you two.

you step closer to him, "what are you so afraid of?" you plead to him with your eyes. just for this moment, for him to open up to you like how he had done hundreds of times before. "are you that scared I'll leave you cause you're what? 'too much'?"

he looked you in the eye, hesitating to speak for a moment. "i-..." he takes a deep breath. "yeah..."

you step closer, "youre not. not now. and it will only get easier." he starts shaking his head, backing away from you. "yes, it will! and if it ever gets to that point-"

"when it gets to that point," he tried correcting.

"no, if. because everything is an if," you say angrily. "you have no clue what its gonna be like. no fucking clue! so let us have this. while it lasts."

he sighs for what seems like the hundredth time that night, "i cant risk that."

"risk what? heartbreak? as if neither of us have gone through that before hundreds of times," you scoff.

"yeah, but ive never been heartbroken over someone like you."

"so then we hope that doesnt happen," you're trying. you're trying so hard to hold onto him. but your grasp is slipping. and he's trying to shake you loose.

"i cant take my chances," he shakes his head. "not this time."

"jesus fucking chirst!" you yell, tears welling up in your eyes. "let me love you! let me be with you! let me take care of you!"

"i cant let you do that! dont you fucking get it?!" he asks stepping closer to you until hes not even a foot away. "i dont want to see you leave! i cant have you around, cause when you do leave, i dont know what I'll do to myself!"

you stare into his eyes as your own vision starts to get blurry from unshed tears. you sniffle, keeping you gaze strongly on him. and you try one final time.

"so dont let me leave now, please," your voice comes out like a whisper. he swallows harshly and closes his eyes to stop his own tears from forming. "i dont want to move on from you when we havent even given it a chance."

"you'll have to," his voice matches yours. he opens his eyes and a tear falls as he looks at you. "fucking find someone who can actually hold you at night. who can make you dinner, who can give you a shower when you cant, who can actually fuck you when you want."

you tried to scoff, but it came out more like a sob, "i dont need that. i need you," your voice weak from the burn in the back of your throat. unshed tears welling up more.

"no you dont," he says, stepping closer. then leaning his forehead on yours. he closes his eyes, "please, go. for me."

your body racks out a sob, gasping for air to get out your next sentence. "if i leave, im just gonna wait for you."

he shakes his head against you, "no. no you wont."

"I'll wait until you realize you do deserve proper love." he continues to shake his head, pretending as if your words arent punching him right in the heart. "ill wait even if it takes you twenty fucking years."

"do you really think I'll survive twenty more years?" he asks with a laugh. you giggle back sadly, pursing your lips at the posibility of him dying. "do you really think I'll find my self-worth that soon?"

"I'll wait as long as i need to."

and you leave. with such a heavy heart but not without more tears than you could have imagined. and you try to move on. not easily but you put in an effort.

he writes songs with lyrics dedicated to you. written for you. whether its in a song about how he only want you at his side or how he has one person he will always be loyal to or about how his exes tried to chance him but one was different. you listen to it and somehow know its you.

you try to find a new partner to fill that void. but he will always be in your mind. as the right person but at the wrong time. the one that got away, if you will.

i like how angsty this was. anywayy, hope you enjoyed 😁😁 -nony

#corpse husband #corpse husband x reader #corpse #corpse x reader #corpse x you #corpse husband x you #angst #corpse angst #corpse husband angst #corpse husband x reader angst #corpse x reader angst #corpse x you angst #nony's back on her bs #aka im mentally ill #aka my angst is fireeee #alexa play fire by bts #nony speaks #teehee #help?

[omegalomania]

fall out boy live performances i think about Often

the reunion show medley. how many goats do i have to sacrifice for you guys to do this one again.

disloyal order of water buffaloes, specifically the version that opens with the piano and the rest of the band comes crashing in at the second verse. my GOD man what do i have to do to make you do this version again

death valley live. thats all.

the time they did their stayin out all night remix live with wiz khalifa

the thriller aol sessions version is so good that i thought it was the studio version with mild reinstrumentation at first lol

the medley they did in 2015 where they mashed up all their hits and even managed to sneak in the uma thurman riffs at the end

can i link the entirety of the knights of columbus set? i'm gonna do that. go watch it. it's glorious.

i feel like not enough people talked about how good church sounded live. i actually kinda like it a little better than the studio version. patrick drops down an octave for some bits of the final chorus and i always love hearing his chest voice.

obviously i have to link one of the few times they've played headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet live. they did (coffee's for closers) at this show too and i think about it always.

they didnt do where did the party go live that often because it is MERCILESSLY heard to sing live but my GOD. when they did it. my god.

that one performance of the kids aren't alright where pete screams alongside patrick for the entire last part of the chorus ruined me in ways i have difficulty articulating.

the way way early version of sugar we're goin down they played live in 2004 before they changed all the verses

anytime they'd do just one yesterday live and patrick would do the bridge and kill it every time

the acoustic version of sophomore slump or comeback of the year they did for a private show in 2007. (they did this acoustic again in 2013 and i love that version too)

that one time they segued seamlessly from the chorus of alone together to my songs know what you did in the dark

MISS MISSING YOU LIVE YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO ME

any of those rare rare times they would do yule shoot your eye out live

when they did patron saints of liars and fakes at one of the reunion shows. don't touch me.

the acoustic session of tttyg songs (grenade jumper, chicago is so two years ago, saturday) they did that's on the my heart will always be the b side to my tongue dvd. they are so so so SO small!!!!!

save rock and roll live is like. so important to me personally it never fails to bring me to my knees. but specifically the time they did it for the mda telethon in 2014. joes backing vocals come through sO clearly and its SOOOOO AAAAAA

also the time they did save rock and roll live for vevo. BIG ouchie.

okay also the time they dedicated save rock and roll to bowie after he passed because pete gets VERY VISIBLY EMOTIONAL OVER THIS and i can't handle it.

we don't take hits we write them literally Only exists in live format so i have to give a special mention to that. what i would give for a studio version though...

it's hard for me to pick a favorite moment of the time they played wrigley field during mania tour. i was lucky enough to catch a livestream of most of the show and it was frankly magic. someathing has to be said for the energy in the way the show began...and for the way it ended.

im incapable of not bringing up the immortals acoustic version they did during boys of zummer. i cant NOT. joe and patrick sound sO GOOD TOGETHER VOCALLY, OKAY

i'm like a lawyer with the way i'm always trying to get you off, acoustic sessions.....im okay.

remember when they opened some of the monumentour shows with THIS IS THE TAKE OVER, THE MOTHERFUCKING BREAK'S OVER cause. i do.

if youve never seen the stripped-down piano version of young and menace and only heard the studio instrumental i beseech you to watch the live version. i will never forget hearing this live. the whole stadium got so, so quiet in what i could only describe as reverence.

you know that one text post that talks about patrick getting all emotional during a performance of what a catch, donnie and then just sniffs a little and says "i'm a loss for words...which is a good thing i have a microphone, right? so i can keep talking." well this is that exact performance.

#fall out boy #*making poasts #this started off as me hunting down more live performances to rip for my work ipod #i have most of these already. not all though. #anyway it turned into a list of me having big emotions. unsurprisingly.

[mins-fins]

should've been me.

&&. you're in love with him, that's great! all he's gonna do is use that to his advantage.

pairing: lee donghyuck x m!reader

genre: angst yummy

warnings: um uh.. sexual content??? (like mentions), the stress of friends with benefits, mentions of drinking, this relationship is very unhealthy

word count: 1.3k

notes: stole fwb hyuck from jj im so sorry but hes so………😢 um anyway so yeah he kinda really sucks here but hes so sexy and beautiful and a hashtag #malemanipulator😂 and reader just kinda takes it cause they're pretty pathetic if im being honest 🙏 (im so sorry but its true) (i quite literally wrote this) anyway DONT deal with people who treat you like shit you deserve better than that 🫵 i also wrote this in like 30 minutes at 1 am and river kept pestering me to sleep so thats cool 😆!

you're not exactly sure what your problem is.

you're not exactly sure what donghyuck's problem is either.

maybe the two of you were simply meant for each other, he's a drunk mess in your house and your a sober mess beside him. although compared to him, your better at keeping yourself in check for long enough that it appears your emotionally stable, hyuck is like.. how would you explain it? a ticking time bomb.

renjun calls him that, he's a disaster waiting to happen, even with how much he tries to put on a stupid calm act. yeah, he's smart, much smarter than most people give him credit for, but he is also much more impulsive than he likes to say.

case in point, he's absolutely wasted in your home right now, whining about some stupid thing his seventh fling said or something.

he's absolutely reckless.

the two of you have been a bit.. off for the past few weeks, your very aware that donghyuck is messing with different people, probably trying to get you out of his head after you two yelled at each other like there was no tomorrow.

he just always seems to find his way back to your house, even after all the times you try to turn him away, he always slides his way back into your life, one way or another.

and you always just let him.

you now realize how you seem like a pushover. wow, chenle actually wasn't wrong for once.

your frustrated, he just decides to waltz into your house, after two weeks of ignoring your messages and going around with other people, messing around with other people, staying over at their houses, pretending that you didn't exist, he always thinks he can just get his way.

it's not like you two are dating or anything..

but you hate that it hurts.

"okay— stop screaming" you put your hands up, but donghyuck doesn't stop talking, just lowering the volume of his voice, he just continues talking faster. you close your eyes, taking a deep breath, sometimes you feel more like his mom than his 'friend that's more than a friend but not his partner'.

"donghyuck, you need to— be quiet" you say, you somehow find yourself walking towards him and place your hands onto his shoulders. he has to look up at you to glare at you, and you almost laugh at the fact, you always teased him about it before, but right now he's glaring at you, a look he's shared with you at only certain occasions.

"don't tell me what to do".

"you're in my house!"

"well where else am i supposed to go, y/n? your the one who opened the fucking door anyway!" he retorts, still glaring at you like before. he's not crazy drunk to the point that he's stumbling over his words and talking like a crazy person, but he's also not that sober either.

not like you don't have so many more other people willing to drop down on their knees for you, why don't you just go to any of their houses instead?

that's what you want to say, the words rest on your tongue, itching to escape your lips so you can finally talk about what's been bothering you all this time.

you two aren't dating, you aren't exclusive to each other, your not.. an "item" or whatever, you two just both found something you could use to your advantage, and it's not like there were any rules when it came to you two, you guys had no control over what the other did with other people.

you have no right to be jealous.

so you refrain from saying that, instead biting your tongue and choosing the first thing that comes to your mind. "i didn't let you in, i opened the door, and you stormed into my house, and now you refuse to get out!"

"you're just such a little— bitch".

you'd kiss him if he wasn't being so aggressive at the moment, you can't say that he didn't look absolutely.. well— irresistible in a sense. if you weren't so stubborn, you probably would've pounced on him already.

but you stand your ground.

for once he can't get his way, you'll make sure of it.

"actually, i know what your deal is!" he shouts, accusingly, he walks up to you and points his finger directly in your face. his expression is a mix of pissed off and absolutely smitten, as if he's in love with you and wants to punch you in the face at the same time.

"oh yeah? enlighten me?"

"you're in love with me".

donghyuck leans close to your face when he says it, spitting out the words like they're poisonous, it's like he knows just how much you feel, like he's taking apart the thoughts that have been constantly plaguing your mind one by one.

you laugh, true words, but your not gonna let him know that. you allow your expression to become one of humor, and you raise an eyebrow. "i'm in love with you? please, get over yourself".

donghyuck doesn't falter. "you're just so bothered by the fact that i'm in someone else's bed, that i don't parade around you all the time, you always say you don't mind than get so sad when i'm not giving you a hundred percent attention, you whine like a baby when i'm not here for just a minute".

his tone is a teasing one, he's making fun of you, like he's about to jump at you and destroy all that you love. he wants to see you break, he wants to see you give in, wants to watch as you slowly melt and encapsulate his words, digest them, he wants you to feel every single letter that comes out of his mouth.

it's like he almost finds you funny, in a sense—

but your not that easy to break, so you just let out yet another bitter chuckle. "okay then mr. know it all, why don't you sit down and let me help you sober up?"

"your a coward".

you grit your teeth, he just won't stop fucking talking will he? he just keeps going on and on and on and on, at this point your considering pulling out the duct tape above your cupboard and shutting him up for good, but instead you close your eyes and sigh.

"why is it so hard to say, y/n? are you really that afraid of commitment that the best you can do is friends that occasionally mess around with each other?"

"donghyuck" you drag your teeth against each other. "if you don't shut up i swear to god i'm throwing you out of this house and making you sleep in the freezing cold".

it's an actual threat, not an empty one, donghyuck knows you well enough that he can tell the difference. so, stubbornly, he sits down, arms crossed over his chest.

your not sure why you always end up taking care of him, he didn't ask for you to, he just wanted to stupidly sulk on your couch, attempting to "calm" his mind after he screamed at you, staying silent after he basically read out all your inner most thoughts to you, like he just reached into your mind and pulled out all the things you'd been thinking.

"you always get so talkative when you drink".

you've gotten much used to ignoring how much you hurt when donghyuck yells at you, it's all become a little thing between you two, you argue, you sleep with each other, you forget it the next day, then go exactly back to that.

it's not healthy for either of you, clearly, it's more of destroying you than anything, but you don't even try to negotiate with him, just let him sit there as you contemplate, standing at your kitchen counter.

"i hate you" you mutter, instinctively cracking your knuckles as you say those words.

and yeah— maybe you do say that,

but your always gonna end up right beside him in the end.

#lee donghyuck #haechan #lee haechan #nct #nct 127 #nct dream #nct imagines #nct drabbles #nct scenarios #haechan imagines #haechan drabbles #haechan scenarios #lee donghyuck x reader #lee donghyuck x male reader #haechan x reader #haechan x male reader #𑁍 ࣪˖ 𓂃 isa's works!

[ganondoodle]

So your took rewrite. I have a very important question regarding the Zonai. From what I hear they're supposed to be the dragon tribe I think? And that theory with Dinraal,Farosh, and Naydra. People were making theories about them being originally Zonai. Would those 3 have a important role in the rewrite??? I'm curious because I would love to see how you draw them and implement them into the lore. Also I love your demise and hylia! Love your work too so ye that's my question, apologies if I worded this wrong or seemed rude. I am not good with words ^^;;

so, with no intention to sound mean, this is a little awkward for me to answer bc i ... loathe the idea of the three dragons having been of sonau origin

i talked about it in a few rants before but i loved the dragons before bc they were something unexplained and ethereal, spirits older than time that yet still circling the skies unknown if they ever had a purpose, or if they even had to have one, just a part of this world, a mystery i loved bc it was unsolved (personally i liked the idea of them being like the last stage of evolution for the dragons from skyward sword but again thats just me) whenever i saw them i stood there and watched in awe, one of my most favorite things from botw ... or were ..

see it might have to do a little with me not liking the canon sonau at all bc of how they were handled, a big point of that being how they felt artificially shoved into every part of this hyrules history so nothing was there that hadnt been done better or touched by the sonau before already; i get that making that connection between the sonau and the dragons is very obvious and can be interesting for some but i personally hate it bc it just destroys that sense of awe i used to feel when i saw them .. they are a mystery that shouldnt ever been 'solved' or even considered as soemthing TO solve, their mystery being unsolved is what made it GOOD to me

i now have to actually work to still seem them as i once did instead of just some sonau dude eating a god damn stone, again i dont mean this to sound mean about it but i just .... it takes it all away what i once felt about them, oh ... it was just some sonau guy .. its them again .. it wasnt an ethereal ever wandering spirit of never known origins it was just some sonau guys .... oh .... oh ...no ... (good morning i am very brave and when the dragons are revealed to not have been unknown always there spirits ever wandering the world from the beginning of time which was one of my favorite aspects of botw but instead have been just some sonau dudes eating a stone destroying my feeling of awe and respect to them forever i wont cry about it ..)

so .... the dragons (Eldra, Farodra, Naydra for me as im using their german names) do play a role in my rewrite .. but not as people or having anythign revealed about them, im keeping them as i once saw them, as spirits that have always been there (they play a role to repair the mastersword as a reference to how it was forged in skyward sword)

(and the reason the stones cause someone to transform into a dragon was bc those creatures are the most magical beings to exist and the stones are made of an insane amount of spirit energy and if that all gets released all at once there is no way for it to go other than explode or if consumed to twist whatever organism is trying to take it in into a draconic form)

the sonau in my rewrite are not dragon people, tho they do worship them as they are incredibly spiritual, but an underground dwelling species (loosely based on bats and monkeys, with somethign of a deep sea vibe to them) who only appeared on the surface after their population was already beyond saving (the reason for it being that they mined the stones for their tech to such a degree it killed the land they needed to live and as they dug deeper and more intensely for more stones, now more for pure survival than anything else, they both found more of the engima stones AND the remnant of the past that warned of ganondorf, which then prompted them to breach the surface and establish contact with the ones that dwell there; they never did that before bc its hard to get there and they considered themselves to be above any other species spiritually and didnt want to messed up their structures of society - something that changed as they stood on the brink of extinction and had found the warning which then made rauru break their old rule of not breaching the surface)

(i will say that i can get behind the idea that the big skeletons you find in the underground having been of sonau that ate an enigma stone and that is how they knew it doing that for sure, it otherwise just having been part of their belief system as dragons are the most spiritual of all aside from gods)

(... i dont want to think about the reverse possibility tho .. the orignal dragons being dead and the sonau replacing them.. i dont like that even if it made sense ,,,,, ... yet another thing they replaced ... stop that ..)

im sorry if this sounds mean or dismissive but i just ... dont like the all dragons having been sonau theory at all and im kinda glad they dont seem to plan any DLC bc i was afraid it would outright confirm it, which would suck .. at least like this there is still some denialability about it (like all the clothing and dragon themed stuff being used purely for worship on their own)

thank you for otherwise liking my work tho!! i hope this isnt too disappointing for you to hear, in the end the rewrite is primarily a way for me to cope with what i dont like and implement the ideas i have had to fix it for me :C

#ganondoodles answers #ganondoodles talks #ganondoodles rants #yeah that fits #ganondoodles rewrites totk #i wrote some stuff here i havent written before so im tagging it as such #sorry for repeating some things #im not good with words either but i just loved the dragons as they were in botw so SO much #yet another thing totk took away from me >:C

[aroacesafeplaceforall]

i wanted to talk about my relationship with my sexual/romantic orientation (aspec), so i guess im sharing my expierence (cw i talk a lot about sex)

so im asexual, i dont think i feel sexual attraction at all. however i was looking into microlabels (i prefer only using the label asexual but i wanted to know if there was a microlabel that fitted my expierence better, even if i didnt planned on using them), i did not find one that fit me. i dont want to have sex. however i masturbate (when i ovulate/have a lot of pain, i have chronic pain and masturbation is a natural pain reliever, i actually found about that in tumblr from another asexual with chronic pain and it help me a lot when meds werent working), so i was thinking maybe i fit the aegosexual label, but from what i hear, in the "fantasies" you dont think about yourself doing it. i do picture myself doing it but not bc i want to? like, i picture myself having sex but in the """fantasy""" i dont enjoy said sex but i do it anyway. is that weird? i think its because i know i will never enjoy sex if i have it and i cant think of other people having sex bc it feels weird? intrusive? sexualizing them? (even if they are fictional character)

and like, i like to do this, but i cannot read smut or watch people naked in movies, or not even naked, but you know when they make you think ina movie/show two people are having sex but they never show it show it, only the socially acceptable and the rest is cover by a blanket/camara tricks. i cannot watch that. which i find rather weird cause i have no problem with sexual fantasies about me but i cannot handle actually seeing sexual content

i always see the labels, sex repulsed, sex neutral and sex positive and i have no idea which of them i am bc i fit in none of them

also, i have no idea how to differentiate aesthetic attraction from gender envy (im in a gender crisis)

also, i dont know if i want a relationship bc im romance positive or if i want a relationship bc of amanormativity

bc i have romantic fantasies, but most of them are other people reaction to the relationship, which makes me think im not actually fantasing about a romantic relationship, im fantasing about fitting society rules. however, i do enjoy a lot those scenarios.

also, i think dating would be fun? like, going on dates, cuddling, holding hands, sharing talks at 3am, but i can do those same things with my best friend, but it doesnt feel like the same cause I know one he will find a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a partner and it will be over (plus, i wont cuddle with him, it would be weird, but like a different person). maybe a queerplatonic relationship is what i want?

i want to cuddle. i love that.cuddling with femenine-built bodies is different than masculine-built bodies. i dont know if that was the right way to say it. i want to cuddle with both depending on the mood.

and thats kinda my view of romance. i want a partner to cuddle. thats it.

sorry for all the vent, i wanted to see if i was the only one or share or something like that, i dont know, thanks for bothering to read

hey anon, that sounds rough. if you need advice do ask, i dont want to give some without permission as i prefer to let people vent.

#asks #ask #vent #aroace #asexual #aromantic #ace #aro

[squeaksinc]

2023 creative year in review! 💦💦

The most stand-out thing to mention was this was arguably my most active and productive cosplay year...maybe ever? its incredibly uncommon that I can handmake 9 costumes in a year, but on top of that, 7 of the 9 were also custom designs, which is pretty wild.

costume-wise, i learned a stupid amount of skills and really pushed what i was comfortable with. IMO the best from the year are the collector, knives, pupet, and nekomancer at least just from a craftsmanship perspective. I try not to brag or be an ass, but I am genuinely very proud of those. they posed fun creative challenges that kept me engaged, and I'm happy with how they turned out!

the other side of the coin is although last year was my most dormant cosplay year, other crafts were super active....and the reverse happened this year _(:3」∠)_ i didnt really draw much at all other than making cosplay designs, and other physical media didnt get much time to shine either. I made some plushies, but they were lackluster, and I think I made maybe one unfinished figure lol. but I did try BJD making and loved it!! I made 4 this year and have plans to do more haha.

thats the upbeat overview, the readmore is going to be a more negative perspective so proceed with caution haha.

More than anything I wish i had more time to do art and build up Stitch in The Ditch/more OC work, but honestly this year was also objectively insane in the non-creative front. like i hit the worst patch of chronic pain i've ever had/found out my abdominals have been ripping themselves apart and bleeding for the past 10 years lol/had to go to the hospital like THREE!!!! goddamn times and now i'm dealing with the news i'm going to need abdominal surgery, got a teaching promotion/award, got my physics masters, utterly INSANE family happenings, had gastroparesis for 2 months and couldnt eat more than 200 cal a day in that time which caused all my blood levels to crash and i'm still reeling from it, and of course, have just been Cashually working goddamn 60-80 hours a week in an experimental physics lab in the background during all of this which is driving me to the point of madness- suffice to say i hit my limit like months ago lmao.

like looking back i know i should be happy and proud i did so much but i cant help but feel disappointed and wishing i had done better quality stuff. honestly, i know i goof about how hard work is, but its really really getting to me. i've always been happy with my ability to juggle so many things and preserve my ability to have a cool job, make cool things, and independently take care of myself, but work is month-by-month morphing into more of a monster thats just been suffocating everything else out. I really dont know what next year will look like, as i've been wearing thinner and thinner i'm noticing a trend where I just dont have the energy that I used to to do anything outside of my job.

I bring this up because on paper I should be happy with what I made, but I still feel like im in a stand-still. I made a lot of costumes, but tbh they were low quality/lackluster. like the number went up, but the quality didnt and I couldnt do much of any other art things. I couldve, and shoulve, been able to make much better work this year than I did, but it didnt happen as a combo of being snuffed out by my job physically and mentally.

in 2023 I got a head start/built up momentum from the beginning of the year that carried me through when things got insane in spring/summer/currently, but I'm already starting 2024 from a low point. yall. im so tired. im so goddamn tired. like its funny to goof about how much I do but its catching up fast and i think this is going to be the year when I just cant keep up anymore. Its hard to talk about since the "being crushed to death by your job" topic isnt one people want to engage with, and unless you're experiencing it first hand its hard to understand what living like that really means.

for 2024, i know theres no way I will be able to match this same number of costumes, but my goal is no matter what I want to start making things that are more solid on a construction level. fewer projects, more polish. also doing more non-cosplay stuff like world building and dolls would also be awesome. will that happen??? lord only knows. honestly usually these predictions/goals go haywire but this is also more of a response to external things outside of my control so ???? ??????? we'll see lads

[jaiistg]

Reader as "im insecure" and Azul ashengrotto as "if you cant love you insecurities then I will."

"When I see your face,theres none of a thing that I would change cause girl your amazing.Just the way you are."

-An very important note,pls read.

Hi! So this is related to what happened to me yesterday.Im already insecure of myself and my guy classmate told me negative things and made me hate myself even more.I know that alot of people are going tru this which is why I made this post.I want to make people feel good and I just wanna say looks don't define who you are.You are beautiful/handsome and perfect just the way you are and whenever someone tells you negative things about yourself thats a lie.They are probably jealous of you which is why they wanna make you feel insecure of youself,plus who are they to say that? They aren't even perfect.Noone is.I hope this post makes you feel better.make sure to drink water and love yourself<33 I love you soo much and Im proud of you.

•Azul is really confused on why your insecure of yourself I mean,your literally perfect to his eyes.

•If only you could see how you look like in his eyes...<33

•Whenever he sees your face he falls all over again for you.

•Since he knows your insecure he tells you everyday how pretty you are, ect so that you can gain self confidence<33

•He will ATTACK people who bodyshames or faceshames you.He dosent understand why people do that,like are they happy that they made someone insecure???? They are proud of doing that shit???

•Trust me,he knows how hard it is being insecure of themselves.He himself experienced it but now its just in the past.A very bad past that is still stuck to his head.

•He dosent want you to feel the way he felt when he was a child which is why he made a promise to himself that HE WILL PROTECT YOU NO MATTER WHAT.

•You tried breaking up with him because you thought that he deserved better,it went likee this.

"Why did you wanna see me?" Azul asked

"Listen,I wanna break up with you."

"W-what why? D-did I do anything wrong? Please tell me,!! We can do better!!"

"No.Its not your fault."

"then why....?"

"You deserve better than me.I don't even know what you saw in me that made you like me.Im sorry if Im an overthinker,im not even pretty enough to be your girlfriend.Which is why im letting you go.You deserve to be with someone much better then me,im really sorry but im doing this for you.Your better off without someone like me."

"No,Y/n,Im not letting you break up with me.I don't ever wanna be with anyone but you,fuck I can't even imagine being with someone else! Your perfect to me.Im grateful to have a girlfriend like you and anyone else would be.I love every single thing about you.Theres no single flaw I see everytime I see you."

•You had a mental breakdown because someone said negative stuff's about you and god,Azul couldn't take it anymore,he had a talked with the guy.

"You have no right to tell Y/n that,are you perfect huh? Ofcourse your not, there's not a single human being that is perfect,so tell me.How do you feel? HOW DO YOU FUCKING FEEL AFTER TELLING HER THAT???? YOU MADE HER INSECURE OF HERSELF AGAIN JUST AS SHE WAS STARTING TO LOVE HERSELF AGAIN! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR HER TO LOVE HERSELF AND WHEN SHE FINALLY LEARNED TO LOVE HERSELF YOUR JUST GONNA FUCKING RUIN IT?! FIX YOURSELF!"

•Everytime you started to feel insecure of yourself Azul is always there to comfort you.He loves you so much :((<33

#Spotify #azul ashengrotto x reader #genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #childe x reader #genshin smau #ajax x reader #kazuha x reader #xiao x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #comfort #twisted wonderland #twst x reader #twst x you #twst x y/n #twst x mc

[wishful-seeker]

Ok but can we please talk about the trauma of HEALING from chronic illness too?

For 4 YEARS I've searched and gone through countless doctors and immense pain, obviously, very traumatic.

But now i have The Medicine that literally means i get to live a full life with manageable pain instead of unbearable pain.

But guess what, THATS TRAUMATIC TOO God was like "you may i have won the war but now REBUILD EVERYTHING FROM THE GROUND UP"

Because its not like, Take The Meds = All Better Now! It's more like take the meds = feel fucking amazing compared to before the meds but still not well enough to do shit and if you TRY to do shit you will feel immense pain again and everytime it happens you'll be terrified of losing everything again.

For example, when my mom started remicade she had to be on it FOR A YEAR before she could do Things™ again

And ya know how people say being IN the traumatic situation is easier to deal with than HEALING from the trauma (and in this case also physical damage) it caused?!! Thats what im talking about

Before Medicine™ i EXPECTED to just suffer forever, everyday was never ending pain, there was stability in the pain

Now everyday is "will i hurt or feel good?" "If i feel good is that "good" stable or fragile?" Like now i have the option of getting my hopes up, and it makes pain days feel worse!

If you give me 3 weeks of feeling pretty good, then give me a month of excruciating pain, im more miserable than if i never felt good! Its fucking hard!

Today was a horrible pain day and usually i can tune out and be like "thats life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ " but today i was fucking mad! I was cursing at my microwave bc i forgot to turn it on to heat up my heat pack and that means 1 EXTRA MINUTE OF PAIN AND ITS UNBEARABLE. Even a literal extra minute sent me into rage. Ive been crying a lot too. And not just because its a pain day, 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵. I woke up in this pain, and i didn't do anything today, or the day before to cause any flair up. Ive been in bed the entire time.

To finally have The Medicine™ means my brain IMMEDIATELY reverts back to "im SUPPOSED to feel good" which means i push myself to hard, too fast, and get my hopes up. Its fucking rough.

#chronically ill #cripple punk #disability #chronic pain