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allthecolorsofourlove · 2 years

Text

Exercise #1 2/16 12:31am

How to Find The Right Metaphor, Blinding Angel Press, published Feb 15 2022

pre article thoughts/warmup:

bluuuug

too hot in my dorm too hot in my dorm too hot in my dorm. fuck. why do these people NEVER OPEN A WINDOWvzbxbv.?!.????

smells like hair dye too. im gonna have to clean all that up aren’t I

is that the sound of an electric kia backing up outside???? that is so weird why do i still recognize that is that actually what that is???? oh that would be a fun thing to put into a poem actually lol SPEAKING OF METAPHOOORRR HAHAHA

anyways back on track. love this publisher and a lot of their prose and advice columns r soooo good so I am looking forward to reading this one lol

thank u professor for picking a good one today I am so tired I cannot have thoughts I just wanna lay down and cuddle. so excited to do this instead of my oceanography shit looool

post article thoughts/cool down:

fuck.

1. Write a few paragraphs answering the following: How does the article describe dealing with metaphor? Does it differ from how you deal with metaphor? Is it similar? Explain.

In the article, the author explains that difficulties with metaphor may come from an inability to express emotion or an inability to source emotions from a positive or inspiring place. Notably, the author explains that having a safe and trusting environment to practice metaphor can greatly improve the process. He lists a multitude of positive aspects, such as a kind face, bright, home-cut hair, and a gentle mouth. Other positive aspects include an inked deer, a hearth of a heart, and patient impatience with a stroke of something stubbornly warm. The author explains that having someone so tender on the receiving end makes metaphor—both those imperfect and perfectly crafted—easy to create. When your muse is as sweet as they are talented it no longer is a challenge to poeticize the world around you: love will come easy.

However, the author warns against self doubt and self inflicted fear-mongering about a wound that has not happened yet. While yes, doubt can be healthy, she explains, in this case it is not necessary. This is something profoundly thought provoking to me as a reader, due to my own personal traumas surrounding being seen as evil or tenderness being such a rarity. I think this is a piece of advice I am still learning to internalize but I do enjoy seeing it written out, as it reminds me that I am just human and so are my favorite authors. On that note, the author also elaborates on allowing metaphor to be messy; they remind us that to be imperfect is something perfect, and regardless of an outcome a metaphor with intent and passion is just as valuable and joyous as any other.

I both struggle and never struggle with metaphor. In cases such as this (romance, hurt), I rarely struggle with words. Creating personalized metaphors—especially with someone I know well, have known well, watched for a while and watched grow anew—is not difficult for me. I paint on other people’s bodies and minds like a canvas and to metaphorically create them for my prose comes like second nature. They can even go through phases: perhaps something horned and crystal, to a mutt in a church, to an angel with a tragically downed soldier, to something else entirely. However, in others (healing, trust) I can struggle deeply. It is hard for me to parse out the write language for something as weighty as feeling joy slowly return to my body, but still having my bad days too. Something about healing as a non-linear concept makes it incredibly difficult to create metaphors about in my opinion—but it could just be me. Trust on the other hand is difficult given, again, my background in tumultuous faith but I am learning to put that away. Both of these things are becoming easier as I improve as a writer. I one day hope to be able to conjure both with ease.

2. In a list format, explain some metaphors (or, if easier, start with symbols) that you could use OR have used in your own writing. How useful could they be to you in the future (in other words, how versatile may they be? how far can they be stretched?) Elaborate (!!) on the possible language, devices, motifs, imagery, or phrases you could use to expand upon this metaphor. Note: this can be informal! I will not be checking your work here—but I would like you to complete the assignment nonetheless. This is for you to improve upon your writing as an author and a poet; to skimp on this opportunity would be to sell yourself short and to burn a lovely way to improve. Put in the work!

hmmmm hmmm ok. okokokokok

one I’ve been thinking a lot about is. a crow. and now just hear me out ok cus crows literally remember the faces of humans that were kind to them. they never forget that. and I think there is something there about being the crow and being unable to let go of someone who touched you once. i think there was something about that in an earlier BAP article and it literally reminded me of this exact thing but I forgot to mention it so I’m throwing it out there now

tying into that?.!!.?? THE DOG!! my old friend the dog. love the dog. he’s got a wrist in his mouth right now but I’m sure soon he will drop it gently and instead lap at the flesh around the wound. he does not mean to be fanged but he is and he wants to make up for that!! he wants to be tender!!! he wants to give kisses now!!!!!! he’s just a little guy hehe :) love the dog. perfect metaphor. kick me and I’ll come back. also I like to cuddle lol it’s great it works out great. but to tie into the crow there’s something there in the kindness they hbotn receive and then never forget. i like that a lot. there’s a juxtaposition though about a crow having much more possibility to become vengeful and a dog not knowing how, staying loyal. not to make a pun but woof

side note to the dog thing try to flesh out those character designs u started cus those were fun >:/ ask friend for input maybe cus he draws guys like that

herb garden! herbs signify growth, cooking and healing, etc etc. Love plant metaphor/symbolism cus u can do so much with it. i love looking through my little fuckin plant meaning blogs and picking out the best ones. it’s my favorite. i have so many herbs to use to cook with to write with i am going to do so much it’s almost herb season it’ll be warm enough for basil!!!!!!!!!!!!! hype!!!!!!

glass. love glass. fragile but sturdy and very pretty and versatile. can be used in a toooooon of ways, broken glass could be negative but I like to use it in a more positive way and I think romanticizing something so often seen as negative or dangerous is very fitting and fun and nice because with context this broken glass IS very positive but lacking the context you or I might have it looks very bad from the outside. do you get what I’m saying??

sleep. there is this painting called flaming june and it is one of my friends moms favorite paintings. it sort of reminds me of us in a way i can’t really explain??? it was not thought to be a masterpiece for a long time which is crazy because WOW look at it it’s so pretty. anyways the woman is laying curled in the sun and draped in fire [FIRE!!! fire is one of my current metaphors. i like it a lot. i miss heat and therefore you] and behind her there is a bough of a plant who’s name I’m forgetting [AYO PLANT SYMBOLISM CHECK] that is super poisonous. basically people think it’s there to mark how fine the line is between sleeping and death and whether this woman is alive or not. i just think sleeping is peace and the closest i get to touching you right now even though I never feel further apart than being asleep and being unable to talk 2 u. if we are going to be vulgar and look at how the French define an orgasm, it literally translates to “a small death.” there is a line between sleep and death. parse that out or something there’s something there but the ability to draw something from language is starting to escape me LMAO

day and night. i was walking to class today and thought about how a lot of my favorite people come in something a bit more the opposite of me, like a sun and a moon or a dog and a cat. and I thought about you and how you’re a dog too [wrist mouth whatever blablabalha] and how to me you’re the sun but to a lot of other people you might be the moon and to a lot of other people i am always the sun. there is something there about opposites and the same and looking for what you want when you really should just look next door but again im exhausted so bear with me, but this is like one of the only times I’ve ever woken up and been in love with the day so I think maybe hopefully it’ll be different this time. i just want it to be different lol im tired im fragile buuuuut cycling back around to the article (ayyeeeeee callbacks) im erasing that from my brain. live in the now!!! fuck whatever shit has happened or will happen!!! what’s happening to u rn man?!.!!! [note: SUPER GOOD THINGS r happening 2 u rn]

also have fun reading these tomorrow and trying to create something to turn in LMAO there’s no substance here way to go idiot. congrats ur writing nothing!!!! way to go english major cannot believe this is what im getting my degree in

closing thoughts:

breaking the fantasy. i miss you. unlearn it and learn it and teach me and we will both heal. this is so nice. i miss you. i am trying to be patient but today i thought about gathering you up in my arms standing in my kitchen again [it’s always my kitchen, sorry] right by our stand mixer and i felt something in me knock loose. i thought about you and me in my childhood bed nose to nose under lights that have lit so many hellos and goodbyes and events of my life that seem like they’re a century ago, and i thought about how this will be one of my new favorite ones because you will be in it. and i thought about the lie to my mom, “oh abc and some others will come over because those are just the friends who are out of school right now! not everyone’s spring breaks line up!” and she’ll still see through it but she’ll take the lie and when only you show up she’ll squint and i’ll sweat and then disappear to the north until may again, where i’ll be home for a weekend because i promised old friends. i thought about pressing you flowers but nothing is in bloom. i thought about laying in that fort with you pressed up against your body and feeling safe. i thought about your hands on my cheeks and neck and in my hair and i miss you, jesus i am impatient, how am i missing touch i have only imagined? how am i missing something that hasn’t even begun?

i cannot wait to begin.

#writing #THIS IS NOOOOOTHING #THIS GOT AWAY FROM ME SO FAST SORRY #creative writing #prose #poetic prose #the herb garden

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bluebeetle · 4 years

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Tell me about your dnd ocs

oroooook super late on this sorry, as i said, computer troubles have been plaguing me and continue to do so

oook so the last image i posted that prompted this was mostly of a friends character but mine from the same game was in the corner, who is also the guy in my header:

(Art by @herobrushreplica !!)

anyways his name is Nico (short for Nicolas) and he’s a dhampir since we use a lot of homebrew, and also a ranger. so yeah he uses dueling and has some healing spells bc we are dumb and didnt plan ahead and had like no healers..... and also can turn into a bat

also hes the poor neutral good in a sea of chaotics (and one lawful good)

He was kind of pre-existing prior to this but i expanded a bit more. anyways im lazy so ill copy-paste what i had written up already:

backstory:

A half-vampire born to a vampire hunter who's love was turned into a creature of the night as an act of revenge from a powerful vampire lord. The couple did not part nor kill each other like expected, however, and Nicolas (Nico for short) was born from this union. Raised in the art of fighting monsters and other creatures of the night, Nico learned how to use both ranged and melee weapons. He was brought up learning how all monsters--including more humanoid creatures such as Orcs, Vampire and Tieflings--were evil and it was the duty of his family to protect those in need from them.

However, he grew up battling with his vampiric side. His father telling Nico that he was to never reveal it to anyone unless necessary, while his mother assured him he was an amazing creature, and one of good rather than evil. His relationship with his father was rocky, made worse whenever any of Nico's traits showed. He grew up unsure of his destiny, instead focusing solely on the wishes of his parents, and keeping himself distant from other people.

However, this was not to last forever, as while Nico aged normally until he reached 25, it seem became clear that like his mother, he was ageless. After the death of his father, Nico's mother left to sleep away her grief, leaving him alone. Nico left to travel the land, hoping to help those in trouble--occasionally for a cost--and find his way. He has a hard time opening up and trusting people, but is quick to become attached and affectionate regardless. He is plagued by feelings of doubt and uncertainty over his heritage and morality, wondering if what his father has taught him about different races is true or not. He worries about his vampire side coming out and harming people--even if he can survive on normal food and animal blood. His heritage is not something he reveals easily--as he has experienced plenty of blacklash for being a dhampir in the past.

When it comes to taking action, he either impulsively acts, emotion taking over (often his temper) or overthinks, leaving him hesitant and confused. He's easily flustered and confused, wanting to help people and be in their company while also pushing them away in fear of them hating him for being what he is. He is bad at confrontation with authority figures, often instead going behind their backs. His main goal is to find his place in life, to chase away his feelings of loneliness and abandonment and feel assured in his morality and existence, in his choices. Or, at the very least, better understand himself.

He can survive on normal foods and animal blood, but would die if unable to eat any meat. Human blood is still tempting to him. He works best with melee weapons but has skills with the bow and whip. proficiency: arcana,athletics, perception, investigation, survival

Personality Traits

*I judge people by their actions, not their words.

* If someone is in trouble, I’m always ready to lend help. I don’t talk about the thing that torments me.

* I’d rather not burden others with my curse. I expect danger around every corner.

* I refuse to become a victim, and I will not allow others to be victimized. I put no trust in divine beings.

* I live for the thrill of the hunt.

Ideals:

*I try to help those in need, no matter what the personal cost. (Good)

*I kill monsters to make the world a safer place, and to exorcise my own demons. (Good)

Bonds:

*I protect those who cannot protect themselves.

*A terrible guilt consumes me. I hope that I can find redemption through my actions.

*There’s evil in me, I can feel it. It must never be set free.

Flaws

*The people who knew me when I was young know my shameful secret, so I can never go home again.

* have trouble trusting in my allies.

*I feel no compassion for the dead. They’re the lucky ones.

so yeah edgy vampire oc... but i love him. most of it ends up with everyone being well chaotic and him trying to keep some semblance of order so they can actually reach their goal but usually its. a mess. but its fun.

my other one ive used once so i dont have anything for her but shes an aarakocra monk named Zeera! and is Chaotic good and basically just a vehicle for me to be like “ahah what bird behaviour would be funny in this situation”. also her look is based on ornate hawk-eagles bc theyre pretty

Backstory:

Once part of the guardsmen for her tribe, Zeera has since decided she wants to see more of the world. She used to be a soldier, and has medical knowledge. She left the guardsmen, though, tired of horrible commanders. Just one problem: growing up so isolated from other races combined with general bird behaviour, means she tends to stick out as a ditsy trouble maker.

She takes anything shiny and doesn’t really understand many social concepts such as ownership. But she does understand fighting, oh boy does she. Somewhat childish in personality, acts very birdlike. Aggressive.

Personality Traits

*I enjoy being strong and like breaking things. I face problems head-on.

*A simple, direct solution is the best path to success.

Ideals

*Independence. When people follow orders blindly, they embrace a kind of tyranny. (Chaotic)

*Greater Good. Our lot is to lay down our lives in defense of others. (Good)

Bonds

*Those who fight beside me are those worth dying for.

Flaws

*I have little respect for anyone who is not a proven warrior.

*I’d rather eat my armor than admit when I’m wrong.

#ask #dnd #my characters #my ocs

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inhalareexhalare · 6 years

Photo

The menstrual cycle begins. I usually feel pain until the third day at most, but I can move just fine.

Slow, but with fight in it Like embers of honey

It scorches the eyes But is sweet to the palm

Did you know by the way? The faster and the hotter you heat honey, the more you reduce its nutritional value. So yes, while it has a very warm color, its temperature is usually not the same :)

2018-10-23 10:00 Philippines Tuesday

My daytime journal has been discontinued due to its tendency to take over my whole identity. I somewhat live [a double life], you could say, and I am now exploring my nighttime psyche.

This is my heartfelt "letter" to @neweresth (CHECK OUT neweresth IN YOUR DASHBOARD BTW IT WILL ROCK YOUR DORMANT WORLD), who inspires me to keep learning and discover my photographic sense.

True enough, this nighttime journal has been a very big compilation of crunchy insights to my deep-deep-down subconscious, which in my opinion takes a big bite off the whole pie of what makes the self.

I've been anxious about how to teach for a time now. It's like a secret calling, a secret dream that I have that I quietly—and secretly—shut off every time it resurfaces.

The reason is my ineptitude with socializing. Communication, especially verbal, has always been hard for me.

My English teachers throughout my school life (and even outside its premises) have doubted my authorship of countless papers I've written, all due to the fact that I navigate speech poorly, yet apparently write eloquently enough above my age.

That has discouraged me from honing my lesser swords. The possibility of never growing out of anything.

But that's bullshit.

I write because I love. I write because I want to communicate. Communicate!

I write for no one else other than for the truths that live inside me, and they are written for no one else but others who could do with a genuine story that cares about their beautiful and suffering minds.

I am socially inept. I am antisocial, by the world's standards. But that doesn't change what I write for.

I write to learn.

Likewise I will teach to learn.

Maybe I am bad at it. Maybe it takes talent.

But nothing good has ever touched and transformed hearts and minds other than that which has originated from those very things.

Talent is a gift indeed.

But heart even more so; it is both curse and privilege.

The pain that makes us human. The agony that teaches us what is real. The happiness that guides us to what is worth living for.

If I had all power, and all talent, all knowledge, and all beauty. If I had all riches, and all the admiration, and fame, and number of friends--

If I have not love, I am nothing.

PS I really do love movies. If you’re an aspiring writer, or a writer with fluctuating inspiration, do watch The Rewrite. Check out 1 Corinthians 13:2

“And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.”

2018-10-23 18:07 Philippines Tuesday

"Keenness, spontaneity, and trusting the moment..."

I entered the room to discover a Thor exploring the wonders of my film-filled laptop.

I took my favorite Nuyorican Poets Cafe book to read and learn. Stepped out to the living room filled with people and stretched my legs to feel at home on the couch. I made a re-friend! :) Yana approached me and asked about the book.

I didn't know she was interested in prose and poetry! She also writes snippets here and there sometimes. I told her to collect them.

I asked for recommendations, since strangely enough, even though I like to write I don't have a wide background when it comes to poetry from the celebrated and the local poets alike.

I don't know why I didn't read them sooner.

Keep learning!

2018-10-23 19:31 Philippines Tuesday

To Karu:

Sorry for imposing on you last night. I just really do value good sleep. I don't know about you but I can't workout without it, and it also affects the general mood and brain function.

I still don't know what to do about it. Everyone seems to enjoy not sleeping at night, but I don't feel like conforming to it especially since I see its daily effects on me. You can actually join stuff like that if you like. I was thinking that we both need sleep desperately, but I realized that I might have been forcing/pressuring you to go to bed.

Though I do request to have no guests in the late night of this approaching Saturday. I'm going to need tons of energy and also an early alarm since I will be called for work (thank God they allowed me to go to church first)

(Even if I did only request it, that doesn't change what it might have felt to you. So again, I apologize if a part of you was in unease or anything.)

I love you

[25 minutes later]

I would like to kiss you all over, but that will rouse you from sleep.

I love you, and I love you to death.

2018-10-24 06:21 Philippines Wednesday

From Isla:

"My tita and tito from [the] US are here in the PH right now

"and they said im too young to be in a relationship.

"and gave this vibe like......don't be in one right now.

"i really appreciate the love and support from them ofc

"it's just....medj na-down ako lol" [I was a bit downhearted lol]

To Isla:

I'm assuming they aren't free thinkers, your aunt and uncle hahaha

They probably are right, but if you think about it that observation is only relative to an imaginary concept which is the future

In my opinion, no one is too old, and no one is too young. It's never too late, and it's never too early

There's only now, and a moment's opportunity to come to a decision

There's only now, and a moment's commitment to be true to who you are at this point in time

Only what is existent after all counts as truth :) the future is yet to happen, and both possible and unlikely

Entrusting the sense of reality to tomorrow, in other words, a question mark seems illogical to me

The BEAUTIFUL book you gave me about the deaf-mutes gave me this idea

The future is not a universal or "natural" concept

[Check out Seeing Voices by Oliver Sacks]

And the past is not more real than a memory is. And we all know how nearly inexistent memories are. That's all they are--memories.

From Isla:

"Those are beautiful thoughts. :)

"Reading it really helped me.

"I'm thankful that i have you in my life."

[An hour later]

"Did other people tell you the same thing before? if you don't mind me asking

"Have you ever been so hard on yourself one time in your life, and eventually you stopped it?

What did you do to overcome it?"

To Isla:

Personally, it takes me a continuous amount of effort to stand up against the self-hatred. Some say it's a lifelong sickness we have as humans, and it seems true to me

(also, writing heals both the writer, and hopefully the reader, so it's mutually a good thing, hopefully hahaha)

It's like the motivation to commit to a vocation

It's not natural to be motivated at every moment of your life, but we seek to make it a habit

Habits form the shape that our thoughts and feelings take. Like my nighttime anxiety. It was developed because I gained the habit of thinking that I am alone and abandoned every time these factors come together: it is nighttime, and I am physically alone

I unconsciously associate the scenery with something from the past that reminds me of a similar situation, but is actually entirely different

In fact it dates back to the time I was still very close to my mother. We still loved each other as I grew up, but not too close as to always be hugging every chance we get

It dates back to when I was a little girl of age 5 at most (since the scenes were from my Atimonan home, and we left that when I entered elementary)

Habits don't die on their own. They cannot be thrown away just like that. But, they can be replaced

If I can create a little nighttime routine, even just cue words or a little ritual, that could change a lot. I just need consistency because some nights I'm too tired and I forget to pray or to practice deep breaths and stuff. And when I find myself alone again, it starts all over; I get anxious as hell

So maybe the first step before changing your habits would be to forgive yourself

We are imperfect, at that is incurable. But we have the potential for growth, and that is at least forgivable. We can learn from our mistakes, so we shouldn't let ourselves down from them.

They are there to give us two options: give up, or try again.

Changing a habit is probably going to take more tries than my fingers can count, but hey we're still alive and breathing, so I presume Life is willing to give us as many chances as we need in a lifetime

Failure is unfortunate, but failure is an important mark of what truly matters to you.

If it's worth more than the self-obsessive need to be successful, and if it means your life and your calling and a better world, it's at least worth trying again, no? :)

When people bring you down, they could be there for a good reason, and that's not to bring you down. Maybe that's hardly what they wanted to do in the first place.

We need to learn to assert our own beliefs and stand up to them. Maybe they think it's all just a whim because they don't understand yet how it matters to you, and what it means to grow up.

Growing up means making mistakes (your relationship is not necessarily a mistake haha), getting up, and learning something new.

Learning something new always requires a new experience.

Learning something new always means stepping out of your comfort zone and into unknown territory.

If you end up hurt, that's fine, we're here for you. What's important is that the lessons are not lost. What you learn is what you grow out into.

So don't ever stop learning. :)

Learn to stand up for what you believe in.

Don't be afraid to share what you have learned!

But never impose beyond your personal right to live. Nothing teaches an individual more than a personal experience.

We each take our own paths, and each take our own lessons in life, in forms that we are ready to understand.

And if advice or conversation cannot help your case with them, then you've done your part.

All you need to do is live your life and live it honestly enough for it to speak for itself

2018-10-24 07:00 Philippines Wednesday

#menstruation #poetry #photography #nighttime #daytime #subconscious #teach #write #love #learn #new #heart #pain #agony #happiness #worth #grow up #self-hate #self-obsession #chrono2

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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so he calls me and asks whats wrong. and i feel like this is trapping me because i cant express anything but by not expressing it it creates a cycle. i told him i didnt want to go to the park tomorrow. to me, i expected like an oh well whatever and i’d watch some videos and go to sleep.

but now he was starting into his shit again. and hes telling me its not okay im not referred to a psychologist and that the doctor is not enough. but its like.. he does not understand clinical depression. like he doesnt understand how far depression can affect every single thing in your life and to explain this is an excuse. like why didnt you do xx today, why did it take this long to do this, why do you nap so much etc. and its like.. im tired. im really tired of being alive. and you should be fucing grateful that im sitting here today talkng to you because everyday is a choice to be alive. i AM choosing to be here DESPITE everything that says i shouldnt. despite everything that makes it super hard.

but its all an excuse. its all “defeatist”. but its like.. i dont sit here and tell you word for word what ive spoken about or what has been said to me. the first few visits were in the understanding that i was clearly really really fucked up. like i believe the doctor believed that i was very close to commiting suicide but i was functioning at a level that i didnt need to be tipped over. like he had a real chance of helping someone in need and he jumped at the opportunity. and the trust had to be built - he asked me questions about my life and the history and we had to dicuss in depth my mother whom i have not spoken about in 7 years.

and like part of my problem is beating myself up. like .. wow i was such a shitty kid, i was a terrible daughter to my mother - i must have been the things she said i was and that must have contributed to the eath of my father so it must be my fault. do i “believe’ this? like reallyyyy believe it? no. cuz im not dumb. these people lived their own crazy lives. but this was my life for 25 years. TWENTY. FIVE. not like oh i had a break and was a drug addict for 7 yrs. no. all twenty five years, every damn day of my life was dedicated to these people. every. single day. my own mother tried to have the cops do something for me 4 months before she died because she knew that the relationship i had with my father was detrimental on like a next level.

but how do you turn away from a sick person? how do you do that? he said i should feel pride. i should feel like i had strength and look at it as positive. which is fine - it’s fine. but dont you see? dont you see i put in TEN YEARS of UNPAID WORK to have a man DIE? do you know what i got from the responsiblity to other people? to be on another persons schedule? to live another persons rules?

nothing. absolutely nothing. and ive seen “grown men” decide to stop working for months at a time because a job let them go for a reason they didnt agree with. like they got “fucked”. but i really got fucked. and yu now what thanks i got?

people like him telling me i didnt do anythhing but watch tv and smoke weed. youre right. i did. in between making meals and cleaning up blood and shit, i smoked weed and watched tv. that was my only fucking solace because i could not go away for longer than a night without serious concern for my father. but i smoked weed. and i watched tv. so that means i didnt “work hard”.

but the thing is - no one my age has been a full time caregiver. no one. not a single person can tell me what its like to be a caregiver or how i should feel or what the ‘right amount’ of work is. in reality - if you believe i smoked weed and watched movies and he was always “going to die anyways” then how much “work” did i do in the decade he wasnt dead? how did i manage an entire decade with a man hell bent on killing himself? tell me how i didnt “work”.

and im not into this argument anymore. i will not allow a single person on this earth to speak on my time with my father. not a single person knows ANYTHING about this time except me and my father and hes dead. and i cannot speak solely on it. thats just my word. so i will never argue about it. believe what the fuck you want because if you dont believe me theres not a damn thing that can be done to change your mind and i dont have to care becaue i know what i did i know the time i spent with him.

but he continued telling me he thinks i should be working and i should be trying harder. i am frustrated - how do i explain the massive concept of trauma and severe depression? do you not understand that “everyones” reaction is part of the problem and stigma of depression? this is why people are suffering in silence - well he goes to work but hes a sever alcoholic. he wants to die everyday but damnit he still goes to work.

and its like none of this at all in any capacity makes me feel different about the world aroun me. why do you want to die? why are you still working and wanting to die? whats the point? because youre ~not dead yet~? awsome. that really gets me going. that sparked the flame right back up inside of me. i cant believe i never thought of that - might as well do it because i’m not dead yet.

and you think its procrastination. that its inherent laziness. do you not think im procrastinating on suicide then? perhaps im just waiting it out? maybe im waiting for the final nail in the coffin; my last reason. either give me a reason to live or give me a reason to die but you know im in purgatory right now.

and thats part of the problem - i’m asking for a reason when i should make a reason. i create my own reason. and i know that. i have worked very very hrd to solidify the concept in my brain that i have to make my own reason - no one will provide a reason and more so its not okay to have someone provide it. because someone could die or leave and then what? you make your own. i made the mistake of putting my reason into a dieing man. and i waited far too long to pull back. even when i wanted to nothing was ever as important, nothing ever fulfilled my life and soul like knowing i was responsible for this person. i had a purpose to be here.

he continued. continued. continued. i finally broke down, “im sorry - you called me. i was sitting here a little sad about to wath fucking gta videos and go to sleep and probably wake up in a different mood. now youve called me and made me so upset that im now in a panic attack and sobbing and contemplating my self worth. how does this help me?”

“this is just my opinion. im allowed to express my opinion when youre life affects me.”

and he continued but continually tried to reiterate that he wasnt attacking me or my methods. it sounded more like frustration and inability to understand. like he was unwilling to accept that as a depressed person i struggled on my own to find a trust worthy doctor after having issues with doctors my whole life. then i allowed this person to help me but it wasnt like.. in the movies. this is not like fairytale romantic manic depressive pixie dream girl. like u loved me so hard i got this help and magically became amazing in 30 days and forgot all my troubles.

this is serious trauma. this is serious trauma that now that we are getting even older has become even more detrimental because i did not even realize how traumatic it was until i learned to be “apart of society”. by “being apart of society” it triggered dozens of things in past trauma that i did not even understand as being traumatized and thus had serious depression and anxiety about issues unrelated to people just being dead. its not like oh my parents are dead and im sooo sad. no. i have a very complex grief that spanned decades and to even expect me to remember what happened to lead me to the conclusions i have now immediately and just convey this to a professional and have them give me a once over and this is how to fix it is soooo naive.

this will be a very long process that involves more than doctors visits. he acknowledged i needed daily assistance to overcome my issues and that my own isolation for so long has prolonger and increased social issues that im not getting around on my own. he told me i needed to “grow up”. i told him i agreed. i said it was very frustrating to be me and know that this was fucked up and still be doing it because i didnt have the tools beyond myself to figure out how to “grow up”. like this is all trial and error for me. no one held my hand and protected me and patted my ass when i came home strung out and fucked up. no one sat me down and told me to put a smile on. i was not in any way shape or form parented by anyone. i have never had a parent. i have been completely independent and have thought indepndently for as long as i can remember. i have always dealt with my issues on my own and have had to care for someone for ten years starting as a teenager. in those ten years i never failed to pay a bill or do something i was supposed to do.

okay. so this is just me. and i would love to have a parent. i would love to have someone who knows more than me around. someone who gives a shit. but i dont. so its just me. and whatever i think is right which has been convoluted by a dieing man and mentally ill woman. thats my foundation. so im sorry if im not a fucing university graduate building a 401k driving a car with my own house. im sorry. u know im sorry im not even a fucing fast food mcdonalds employee highschool graduate with 10$ in a savings account and money on a bus card.

but bitch. i’m still here. i’m mad as hell and i’m still fucking here. thats literally the greatest accomplishment for me on a daily basis. its my biggest accomplishment and greatest anxiety. im still here.

i told him again - all of this was making it worse. the real issue i had was having no one to talk to at all. no one wanted to listen to me. everyone wants to tell me what to do or how i should think or some negative opinion because theyre envious that i get ‘free money’.

and the doctor had to convince me to get disability. i told him the people around me felt i could work. he said he did not believe in any way i was capable of holding a job right now and listed a number of reasons why he believed i couldnt, most having to due with symptoms of sever depression. in a switch side, if i listed these reasons i would be told theyre merely excuses by other people and that “they were tired too”. which is why he had to reiterate a number of times to fuck what other people thought. no one has to live my life but me. in reality its disgusting that people continually look down on or disrespect me outright for collecting benefits while they pity me for having issues. it’s hypocritical and bullshit.

finally he said that he wanted to see me do better and wanted to encourage me to find ways to cope with these times of serious depression. i told him that i do have ways to cope - but this is real life and its not always successful. but yet, i have been successful - i’ve not self harmed this year. not because it was “a fad” but because i actively choose not to do that to cope. this is a choice i make during every anxiety attack. this is a sign of strength i have this year i did not last year. so perhaps i spent four hours crying but i did not cut myself or attempt suicide so all i did was spend four hours crying. just so i could be alive right now. so who cares that i spent four hours crying lets be grateful im here now. who cares that it took five days to mail a letter - i mailed the letter. thats what matters. you dont even know that ive been given disability forms twice before that were NEVEr MAILED. fuck they werent even FILLED OUT. so not only did i get these forms, i had them filled out and then i MAILED tHEM. 100% BY MYSELF. my momy didnt help me. i didnt get any fucing drives to the doctor. nothing of this process was made easy in any fucking way. and i did it. so does it matter that ti took five days? absolutely not. even if it took five days, in 60 days do you think itll matter if im accepted? when i have those benefits, do you think itll matter i took 5 days to mail the thing? fuck no. because i mailed it and got the benefits

LET ME CRY. LET ME BE SAD. acknowledge i exist with this sadness!! do you not understand the pain of being ignored when you’re suffering!! i told him that i try to be a good listener for him - i let him speak about whatever he wants, whenver he wants in which ever way he wants to speak about it at the time; if he feels very angry and upset at something and expresses that, i dont later hold him to it and say “well u were angry about this before now ur not how come”. i said i never express my opinion because im a listener just listening so i acknowledge him and if i think hes doing something that is harmful to him i say something like “i dunno if thats a good idea” or “i wouldnt personally do that” or “thats gross” (usually used in context with an elaborate idea involving sex or drugs).

he paused and said that was true and i did do that. i told him i just wanted someone to listen to me. all i really needed to be “helped” was for someone to listen without any preconceived notions or opinions they wanted to put on me. just accept the words im saying and perhaps if possible express some empathy of some kind because they understood the sentence i put out in the world and maybe they can say something like “i bet this thing happening to you would cause this feeling.” to demonstrate that they understand the connection between an event and the reaction to the event and that i am not an insane weak dumb person for having an emotion. no one does this for me. no one. including him. and i believe at this moment he understood, finally, that no one does this for me. including him. tht i am a good listener, that i do not bring him down and allow him to be his own person until i think something is harmful and then i try to express to him my serious concern about his thoughts but not tell him hes a bad person for those thoughts. hes not lazy or stupid or evil. i tell him based on personal knowledge and experience why i think its harmful and rarely is it based just on a personal opinion. like i dont say dont do drugs cuz its bad. i say dont inject drugs, dont take drugs on a regular basis - all very valid safety concerns in the use of drugs. it is not “dont do drugs”. because i know that for something to matter to someone long term you have to create your own purpose. he cant not do drugs for me or any other person. he hs to not do drugs for himself. but i can encourage better use of drugs.

finally he apologized - an apology that has been maybe a year in the making. he said he realizes now that being aggressive and negative about things is not helping anything and that he should be encouraging about positive things in order to promote me actually recovering. he said he was “man enough” to admit that he was wrong and that this is something he should work on to better support me because he believed i was making an effort.

but it was a very good example of something that was small that couldve been handled differently that became a massive overwhelming issue. his bottom line was that i should see a psychologist. i told him i would tell my doctor that the person closest to me in my life is saying they believe i need more/additional help than whats being provided because they want to know the person im seeing to get help is specialized in helping people like me. thats totally fine request to make. im not going to argue that the doctor is “enough”. i dont know. maybe hes right. maybe i need to talk to even more people. but to tell me this on top of “blah balh you get welfare you smoke you nap all day etc.” is horrendous and backwards. should i see a psychologist to tell them what an asshole you are and that you probably cause alot of grief in my life?

like how my doctor thinks of you right now?

he couldve just said hey you know i can see youre trying but i want to suggest maybe asking your doctor to refer you to a psychologist again because i think itll be helpful for both of us.

like he wanted to help and was roadblocked by the fact that i had no coping mechanisms for him to bank on. so he was coming in blind and frustrated that he is not even normally capable of being a good “shoulder to cry on” and now he had no instructions but he still had a very sad girl to worry about. and this doctor didnt “give me” any coping mechanisms so what good is this doctor if he cant “fix” the issue he has to deal with now.

but there is no coping mechanism. theres no like “turn on this song and ill be okay”. theres a variety of things i can try to do, not all of them will work, but one will. one will bsolutely because if one does not, ill be dead. one is always going to work even if the one is time. just waiting it out and battlign it in some meditative state. but one will work.

like he disregarded alot of reasons for what i do as like some general thing i just “like”. like some random thing in my head that makes me like it. and im obsessed with watching specific gamers on youtube. i do not play video games. like i have almost no interest in video games. i dont care who the fuck wins. i dont care about the mechanics of a game. i will watch the most boring ass games like a shitty flash game or a fucing terrible job simulator that is just the most complicated system of buttons and bullshit to move a fucing tractor and i would never even remotely consider even trying to play the game let alone download it or install it.

but here i am. hours a day. watching games i will never play by men i will never meet. and i trid to explain this - its “sad” to you that im going to go watch these things. but to me its like.. a graduated version of something that can be simplified with penny lane’s quote, “if you ever get lonely you just go to the record store and say hi to your friends”. like ive always held the idea that music and sound is a constant familiar. so i have specific sounds - much like people have specfic smells or tastes. as a kid my fathers keys jingled in his pockeet and i could hear this jingle from anywhere in the store. like my ears trained to it because i feared getting lost but if i could hear it i knew i was okay. a bit older i grabbed on to all my favourite bands but what i found was after years of doing things, familiarity felt like visitng a grave. like nothing changed. it was so familiar it was stale, it was a nostalgic memory i was visitng and not being embraced by a warm hug. many of my favourite bands broke up and stopped releasing new music.

i told him that the sound of these mens voices was calming. like i had alot of isolation and listening to music or whatever didnt seem real. but here are these real life people who have their own things they do and that happen to them and everyday they pop up and talk about nothing. NOTHING> they come and be like “hey so today we’re going to build a room” or “so today we’re going to race this virtual car” and nothing in the game matters and like people get “mad” but no one is mad. because nothing in the game matters. you die, you come back.

and like the attitude of these people helps. like “damn im in last place today BUT ILL GET YOU” because nothing in the game matters. or maybe you feel invested in some grand feat theyre trying and they dont get it and theyre like ah shit well gotta keep trying. so ive focused on specific gamers who rarely are offensive or loud or otherwise unwatchable.

but he brushed it off a bit, “yeah, yeah, its someone with a comforting voice” but the tone of his voice hinted at jealousy; like why wasnt it him? why couldnt he just play a video game and make commentary and ill feel better? why does it have to be these guys?

and maybe because i dont know them? they will (potentially) never do me wrong. maybe one day they’ll stop recording. theres a small chance theyll say something super offensive or racist. but i mean theyre never going to personally attack me. theyre never going to point me out and say this girl is fucked. i can be their friend without being their friend. i get to be apart of inside jokes and funny conversations but never actually apart of it. i get to feel like i’m not alone while being terribly alone. and i dont think im necessarily choosing this above other things to cope - i think it’s what i’m “making due with”. i found something and it takes such little effort.

im honestly at a point where i am waiting. my current perspective on life is that people are absolute fucking pieces of shit who have little regard for anyone but themselves or their own kind. however there are 7 billion people on the planet and it would be “racist” so say “all humans” are pieces of shit. so like.. a lare majority of humans are pieces of shit and there are a few who are actually good souls but when you have 7 billion ppl and like 100,000 are good - who the fuck cares? thats like a drop in the bucket. to act in the world as though you are encountering those 100,000 ppl on a daily basis is a set up for failure and thus how it creates the cycle of 7 billion pieces of shit because “self preservation”.

from what i have honestly seen of the world - fuck the world. hands down 100% i have absolutely no desire what so ever to participate in society. i have experienced some terrible shit and i have seen and heard some even worse terrible shit and the positive DOES NOT outweigh the negative at all in anyway. the only reason people care about me in any way right now is because i am considered a “burden” to them by having issues. i dont want my issues. i hope i recover and become a mentally sound and healthy individual. because i do not in any way want to be involved with people on a whole. like if i can afford to live alone and buy my own food and not struggle as i have been - i’m done. i’m sorry. i’m waiting to leave society. i realized how disgusting people are and have lowered myself to using them when i can for like the very basic theyre willing to do (despite what i put out i never get remotely the same in return) and when i am capable of supporting myself i honest to god dont thin ill do half or more of the things i do now “for people”. thats the thing - i’m now waiting to isolate myself further because the experience ive had says there is nothing there for me. if i want to live, ill be living alone, secluded and isolated.

because honestly? im not fucing with a single person who did not fuck with me during this time. fuck. you. you let me struggle and suffer alone and youre soooooo happy im on benefits now? no. youre not. youre more than likely going behind my back and talking shit about it anyways but you think im “cool” or “talented” so you’d like to be associated with me. but you dont want any of the “drama” or “baggage” so youre not even really a fucing friend.

the only thing keeping me going right now is the idea that maybe before the end of the year, i wont have to do _this_ anymore. ill get my own place, have my own food, live my own life and i fucking deserve it no matter how much the pieces of shit cry about it and how they dont get it because i dont “get” half the shit they do in their lives and never have. the pieces of shit will always be pieces of shit and they will never stand to see someone have something they dont.

i learned about myself that i like to cook. i like buying ingrediens for food and trying new recipes and i can do that alone. i can just eat nice food on my own. i like to play guitar but i like to play for myself not to share music. i dont get anythng from sharing. its a totally personal experience just for me. and not having the space to be alone to play guitar is depressing. i like animals. i want to learn to travel by myself. i have literally never gone anywhere by myself. LITERLLY. LIT.ER.ALLY. i have never gotten on a bus to another city and been in that city by myself. just like.. existed in the city by myself. NEVER. but i cannot learn this if i cannot travel and i cannot travel without some sort of purpose behind it. i want to go back to making art for me not because im the artist who makes art. i saw a movie by myself for the first time ever last week.

it took 10 yrs to have experiences that 18 yr olds do. im not “living like a teenager”. its that i NEVER LIVED AS A TEENAGER to be able to become an adult. and now that i am an adult i cannot make teenage mistakes.

and thus we give the highest of praise to the singular best accomplishment of my whole life:

not pregnant. do not have kids. not a drug addict. not an alcoholic.

do you understand at all the HIGHEST OF CHANCES i had to have children? i was a naive girl with no parental supervision, no outlet for myself, super emotional & depressed.

then he tells me, “you know, learn from your parents”.

bitch i did. my mother was 25 years old when she met my old ass father and MARRIED HIM ONE WEEK AFTER. did i do this? she did this KNOWING he had little to no feeling of love for her. this bitch had been abandoned and fucked with by her family sooo much she was like the only way out is with this guy and she grabbed on to him and NEVER FUCKING LEFT.

so bitch.

i did.

im 27 yrs old. youre 26 yrs old. i live on my own. you live at home. ive never been pregnant. ive never been married. yep - my mother and i did not “work”. that is a serious flaw we shared. she also never acknowledge the SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS SHE HAD WHICH LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME NOT LIKE FIGURATIVELY BUT LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME AND I DID NOT EVEN HAVE THE WHEREIWTHAL TO KNOW IT HWAS HAPPENING

so i did. i did learn from my parents. my father told me people are fucking terrible and they are. i learned. in fact i did not. i did not learn. i lived in a naivety that people are good. and people want to hear me sy people are good because god forbid they be considered shit but lbr.. you’re probably terrible. i’m pretty terrible. i am totally in limbo where i have like 6 months to a yr before this becomes “my fault”.

so youre right. i am waiting. im waiting to see what independence looks like and whether or not i’d fuck with people like this. and like all i can say is im glad it took 12 months to realize that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. i did thank him. might as well put my own shit into practice - it doesn matter it took 12 months bcause he is admitting it now. and it makes me feel a bit better but at the same time i feel like an obvious statement is if you had known this even 6 months ago, how much better off might i be now? if the closest person to me in life was a positive rather than a negative, how much better would i be now? take some fucing responsibility for the fct that not only do i have to fight myself, but i have to fight through the negativity people like him put on me and decide despite what they aid to stay alive. not like feel a desire to want to because they reminded me of all the good things. i have to fight and be angry and create alot of bitterness towards them and live in spite. thats not fair. and life might be “unfair” and i “choose” to stay aroun someone who has consistently made things sooo bad but my god take 1 second to see it from my side. imagine if i had 6 months of positive reinforcement from the closest person in my life and a professional. i wouldnt have had the second hospital visit. i’d really be in a much better place than i am right now and its SUPER unfair to hold it against me that he cause damaged i had to fix before i could even focus on my actual issues. he held me bac and i allowed him to hold me back and prolong this process. im not even going to blame him like an excuse. i allowed him to hold me back. maybe i allowed it so i would have an excuse. if he tells me all the negative things i think about myself then its like reiterating that what i think is right. it deepens the depression.

but honestly having someone in his position - where he was very much becoming a second coming of my terrible parents, suddenly apologize and admit they were wrong is actually okay. that actually helps my life a bit. for a long time i wanted this from my mother.

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natalieclemmons-blog · 7 years

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Flash Car Games In Recent Years

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Are you looking for the perfect birthday gift for your son? Well, there are a number of options you can go with. It really all depends on what you think your childs interest is. But one thing you can guarantee is that youll never go wrong with toys. Now, when it comes to the kind, you could buy car games, since children today are quite into technology. And if you are unaware of what popular racing games are out there, you should take a look at the following list. a. Forza Motorsport Series. This was developed by Turn 10 Studios and published by Microsoft for the Xbox. Forza 3 and 4 would be ideal to use for the Xbox 360 model. It is well-liked by car racing fanatics because of the array of customizable racing units they can make use of specifically 231 from a Honda Civic to Auid R8 and Le Mans. It also features realistic graphics, which makes the gaming experience exciting. Critics gave Forza a score of 92.96% for all its specifications. b.Test Drive Unlimited 2. This particular racing game sold about 300,000 copies on its first week of release and as of May 2011, has about 900,000 already in circulation. If this does not stand as testament to its amazing gaming qualities, then its storyline should interest you. With versions for both Playstation and Xbox, TDU2 comprises of 63 levels, which are divided into 4 categories competition, discovery, collection and networking with an additional 10 additional levels to explore if you get the TDU2 Casino Online DLC. Yes, you read it right. The best part of this game is that it allows your child to enjoy single-player competitions and open-world online interactions, making it a cohesive gaming event. c. Blur. An addition to the arcade car racing games genre, this particular program was developed by Bizarre Creations and distributed in North America and Europe. It is basically a career-driven game where a player has to take on the identity of a particular character, which has a pre-set of racing styles, match types and power set-ups, and finish a number of short challenges to get points. It makes use of a number of race car models, including Dogde Vipers, Ford Transits and Lotus Exiges, and can be set as a single-player, versus or race game. d. Need For Speed. Im sure youve heard of this game before. It is actually considered one of the most successful car games in the world, having survived competition since 1994. It was developed by Electronic Arts and has sold over 100 million copies worldwide. It is actually on its generation of franchise to date, with Need for Speed: Most Wanted being the latest installation. With this game, your child can enjoy single-player adventures or race with the computer using a customized racing units as well as exotic and muscle cars. Most of the tracks are of American, European, African and Australian setting so your child is certainly going to enjoy the choices of scenery. Aside from these, there are other car racing games for different game consuls you can check out like Wheelman, Dirt 2, and Midnight Club. To make sure that you are making the right choice, do additional research and ask salesmen for feedback.

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