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amethysttribble · 2 months

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Father had personally asked Feanor to stand for this portrait, so he was. Father had quietly suggested that perhaps this could be a painless exercise, which did not actually mean ‘painless’ but rather ‘silent’ for Feanor, but he agreed. Father told him this painting did not symbolize anything but his own desire to have a record of all his available loved ones around him, and Feanor was trying to see it that way- for the sake of his own sanity.

Because his stomach was roiling, and there was a heaviness in his chest, a great emptiness which his heart was pounding against, echoing, echoing, echoing.

Father had one hand on Feanor’s shoulder and the other was upon Indis’s. She was sat in front of them, smiling beautifully, little golden-haired Arafinwe in her lap. Around them, her three dark-haired children were gathered. Findis on Father’s other side, Nolofinwe with her, and Lalwen in front of Feanor.

To the unaware eye, Feanor knew, they must all look like they matched. Like they went together correctly. Like a family.

When the portrait was complete and those dark haired children were gathered around the mother and father, who would guess that one child was out of place? Who might glance at all that paint representing their faces and think anything but-

You could almost be her son, Feanor thought, and then his mind replied, But you’re not.

He was so still and he dared not move, because if he did, he’d never get back in place. If Feanor flinched once, the sharp, jagged pieces of him that never fit right in this puzzle would scratch one of them. They’d be annoyed and that would be it: he’d combust in anger, he’d shatter across the floor, snapping and snarling at everyone unnecessarily until he ruined their perfect little scene. Father said this might be a painless exercise. No, no; this was to be a silent, still exercise.

You could almost be her son. But you’re not.

How good a painter was this person Father hired? How varied his faces? Would he capture that Feanor’s nose resembled that of none of the people here? Could he represent that his frame was already different from his father and little half-brother’s?

Would he lie and throw a pleased smile on Feanor’s face? Not even Father had asked him to smile.

You could almost be her son. But you’re not.

Feanor’s presence made them fit together so symmetrically, maybe that was pleasing enough to hide the wrongness of this scene. Maybe that’s why Father made him come here today, the pretty scene. Why he asked him to suffer, even as the longer he stood here, the more and more Feanor felt like he was about to be sick all over the floor.

A ghost, a ghost, there was a ghost looming over their shoulders ruining this perfectly symmetrical scene. Couldn’t they feel her breathing down their necks, icy chill against sweat? Didn’t their perfectly posed heads feel her long, clever fingers wrapped lovingly around their necks?

You could almost be her son. But you’re not.

Feanor’s gaze slipped down to the back of Indis’s head. Her beautiful golden hair. She didn’t wear a crown, this was a family portrait, and that felt worse. So much worse.

If he let his eyes unfocus and his mind wander, he could try to lie to himself that her hair was much lighter and the faces of the children around them more closely resembled his own. The woman in front of him loved him, and she fussed over his hair before they sat for this portrait, and he’d let her do it.

The worst part was Feanor did know that Indis would help him with the ties of his robes, if only he let her.

You could almost be her son. But you’re not.

She’s not, she’s not, she’s not. It was a simple statement of fact. It was scandal enough that the father replaced the wife, when one at least chose a wife, but what freak replaced his own mother?

What would the people who saw this portrait think? Would they see Finwe’s happy family or would they see Feanor’s blaring, uncomfortable intrusion upon what gods and men declared to be a better order of things? Father wanted him to belong here, but he didn’t.

He just didn’t.

You could almost be her son. But you’re not.

A painless exercise. Painless, painless, painless, for them. Silent, still Feanor, a happy accessory to the triumphant union of Finwe and Indis, a grateful stray dog permitted to drink from the bowls provided by Indis’s family.

This exercise was just meant to capture the image of all Finwe loved, nothing more. Don’t think too hard about it, Feanor. You might make the children unhappy.

You could almost be her son. But you’re not.

You should pretend you are, though. That’ll make them like you.

Because they did so disdain him, most of the time. They disliked how he glared at their mother and started fights at family dinners and ignored them in the hallways. Why shouldn’t they? Feanor would hate a person who did those things to his family, too.

He just couldn’t stop, though. He wanted to, sometimes, when the exhaustion and loneliness caught up, and then he remembered that he wasn’t Indis’s son and never would be, and remembering that made him angry. Wouldn’t it just be so damn convenient for them all if he was almost her son?

But he wasn’t.

He was Miriel’s son. That was her name. He had no portrait with her. He loved her.

He loved Miriel, but it was Indis he posed with and-

When the session was done, Feanor jerked away from his father and shoved his way past Lalwen. As he went, Indis looked up at him, caught his eye, and he couldn’t help the sneer that crossed his face.

He hoped that was painless enough for her.

When he returned to his chamber, he went to the wash room and heaved in the pot there. The gagging and retching made wetness prick his eyes, and the sudden tightness of throat made him choke all the harder. The sickness and heaving stayed long past when there was anything in his stomach to lose.

No one came. Feanor hoped maybe Father would, but really, why would he? Feanor had been mostly good, just a little rudeness wasn’t worth either reprimand or comfort.

No, they were together. Maybe admiring their portrait, happy and pleased, or complaining about his behavior again. Really, why couldnt that Curufinwe just accept nice things?

I need to get out of here, Feanor thought, face and body wet with both sweat and tears. I need to leave this place.

He was a good son, and he could do anything else his father wanted but betray his mother any more.

Feanor couldn’t pose as Indis’s son even a second longer. He would destroy himself, if he had to think one more time-

You could almost be her son. But you’re not.

#I understand what it’s like to be surrounded by people all telling you that you belong and it’s okay and just /be nice/#just play ball and settle and you can everything in the world #but you know you don’t belong #and you never will #and pretending is killing you #you won’t you can’t and you’re just so fucking sick of them pretending you can fit if you’re just /nice enough/#because they’re lying to you and themselves #just don’t be angry?? omg why are you angry? stop being angry and enjoy what we say you should want teehee #anyway I love feanor and don’t think he should have just gotten over his mothers death #tolkien #the silmarillion #feanor #tribble post #fanfic

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voilaammayi · 3 months

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Sherlock Holmes at any given moment:

#sherlock and co #sherlock love I know society is hard but please at least don’t be mean to watson #he will probably kill a man one day for you and your case #just saying so don’t look at me surprised when john will be pointing a gun at someone #these are the rules of every universe that those boys belong to each other #one day you’ll all understand what a destiny is #john watson #sherlock #sherlock holmes #goalhanger #goalhanger podcasts #johnlock #sherlock & co

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midnight-moth · 7 months

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@foxybouquet for you 💐

#Squammer #why does he just do that like that #I hope Dew giggled #we need another angle to see if he did #either way seems like neither of them are very ticklish #they must be used to this #yes they have tickle fights backstage #I know it #rain ghoul #dewdrop ghoul #once again I don’t know who this belongs to because it’s been circulated a lot so lemme know if you do

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charityreadsabookanddrinkswine · 1 year

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Ok ok but has this been done

Darlington:

Alex:

#you know it’s true though #ninth house #hell bent #course now in hell bent its kind of reversed #leigh bardugo #Darlington #Alex stern #galaxy stern #also fuck the old dude #he’s an asshole #women don’t belong at Yale #go count type on your typewriter

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aimseytv · 1 year

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shoutout to everyone who has sent me lovely asks regarding their identity and how i’ve managed to help them figure things out. i’m just existing here but it’s nice to know existing can help someone else figure their own things out too. man. love you gamers :)

#i’m all emotional haha #started to tear up writing this because man #you guys #it’s crazy how much you gamers mean to me #and knowing me just existing and being my annoying self has helped you all #somehow #it just makes my heart so full #sometimes you may feel like you don’t belong anywhere #but knowing despite that feeling people are being helped while i just sit here existing #that’s cool #thank you

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bearotonin-international · 1 year

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Today’s Existential Tuesday is brought to you by Corn Chip

#existential Tuesday #they don’t belong exclusively to sun bears you know #sun bears are just really good at them

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betterthanbatman1 · 6 months

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Umm I love them???

#SHE WAITED FOR HIM FOR 4 HOURS ON TOP OF THEIR MEET UP SPOT #THEIR MEET UP SPOT IS BIG BELLY BURGER AHHHH #I didn’t really ship jayrose too much before #but I’ve been scrolling down their hashtag and I love them so much #Die hard Rose fans will say they don’t belong together and Rose shouldn’t be reduced as a character for Jason’s benefit #Yeah I completely understand and mostly agree with you.#Mostly. So for now I’m just going to enjoy me some good soft Jayrose content :)#I absolutely think Rose should NOT be reduced as a character but I have to say they are v cute together #The “Promise?’’ “Promise.’’ made my heart flutter I don’t even know why 😭#I’m a sucker for couples who care about each other like this #She could have just left it at ‘be careful’#But no Jason had to promise her that he will come back to her #It’s just. So. Damn. Good #IM DYING OVER THEM FR #You know they’d die for each other and make jokes about death and daddy issues #And with their shared use of ✨violence✨#And just generally become THE power couple #jason todd #red hood #batfamily #batfam #dc #dc comics #Ravager #Rose Wilson #Jayrose #Jason x Rose #holy queue batman #red rambles

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lifeof-pink · 2 months

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kdj trying to kill himself after seeing the OD is such a visceral and gut wrenching part of the book—

“Something was wrong. A blade… I, I needed to find a blade.” <- this scene (chapter 515) actually broke my heart, i genuinely felt sick reading it. he’s so desperate to die that it’s honestly palpable, it’s like finally seeing that truth behind the snarky mask kim dokja always wears. it took me until this point to realize that every time he tried to sacrifice himself for his companions, it wasn’t just a well thought out plan but a true, genuine suicidality and the acceptance that he might not come back. that he isn’t worthy of living a good, happy life with a happy ending. (which maybe i’m just slow, but i really fell for dokja’s lies, every single time i thought to myself “everything’s going to be fine because he has a plan to survive this,” and almost every single time i was right. except for the end i suppose.)

and fuck, it hits so, so hard.

#tw suicide #like i know thats already a big theme in the book but in this case i feel the need to very explicitly tag that #orv #omniscient reader's viewpoint #orv spoilers #kim dokja #the oldest dream #i wasnt planning on writing a sad post today but alas.#‘are orv fans allergic to being happy’ yes sorry #dont go into my replies like ‘you’re thinking too deep about this’ or whatever #i know i am!! i know its probably not that deep #i know that he probably did see himself having a happy ending probably #but when i think about his character #and when i think about his actions #i cant help but see a bit of that sort of undercurrent of ‘i don’t belong’#that sort of undercurrent of ‘i want to die’#his character feels relatable to me #take that statement as you will i guess #not that ive sacrificed my life for anyone #lol #but that passive sort of way he approaches the topic #all jokes and smiles and such??#and other people are like ‘uhm. no i think you need help.’ and he cant see it #thats so????#he needs therapy #*i* need therapy #sorry for traumadumping in main orv tag LOL #feel free to get mad at me in replies i understand #this could be a total mischaracterization of kdj #probably is tee bee atche but OH WELL. also i hit tag limit oops. 30 tags is the limit apparently

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elfie4306 · 4 months

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Astarion: *lovingly* I’m yours.

Tav: *clapping in his face* No. Bad Astarion. Bad.

#balders gate 3 #bg3 #astarion #astarion bg3 #bg3 astarion #astarion ancunin #I thought of this in the car #in case it’s not clear the point is that Tav don’t want Astarion to say he’s their’s/belongs to them (you know… for healing reasons)

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its-wabby-stuff · 11 months

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I have a professional map:

There is a difference between liking kids and being good with kids, and I swear some of the people who cannot tolerate kids are the absolute best with them. And then some people try so hard and they still can’t get a kids attention. They’d rather go hang out with the uncles that cannot tolerate them.

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ihhfhonao3 · 10 months

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Queer puritans be using asexuals as their main anti-kink argument like “the aces don’t like this! Don’t expose them to it!” Which is not only treating us like children (because they use the same argument for the “kink is inappropriate for kids” talking point) but is also just. So fucking stupid.

Because not only are you making it out that we can’t think for ourselves and don’t know ourselves well enough to know our limits, not only are you only just now caring about us just to use us in your argument after unending aphobia, but you also don’t understand how many aces think and feel about sex.

Like. Literally. I’m aroace, right? Mf my first ever fanfiction was a gay smut. (Almost) all my ace friends love making sex jokes, and they also understand them when they’re cracked by allos. Many, MANY aces have (and enjoy!) sex and sexual activities. Many aces are a part of the kink scene since it allows us to explore sex in a different way than the “norm” and isn’t just vanilla. I have met asexual furries (as an acefur myself) and can confirm that we are some of the kinkiest and horniest little bastards there are around.

So stop using aces to defend your puritanical views. Chances are, the aces you’re trying to “protect” not only hate you, but also are way more raunchy and deviant (affectionate) than you think. We aren’t always the soft UwU innocent little babies you think we are. And the aces that are sex repulsed and uncomfortable with kink know their limits and can go to a more chill parade because, news flash, they are functioning and can think for themselves.

#people stop white knighting and listen to the groups actually affected by this for ONE SECOND challenge (IMPOSSIBLE)#fuck white knights. fuck keyboard warriors. fuck puritans. we don’t need you.#puritans trying to ‘protect’ aces is kinda like. if you had a cat.#and you grabbed the cat knowing damn well that your cat doesn’t like you #and you tried to show it affection by hugging it but your cat is just biting you and clawing you and screeching #like dude. fucking let the asexual analogy cat go. it doesn’t like you #asexual #asexuality #aegosexual #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia #queer #kink belongs at pride #kink is pride

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quietwingsinthesky · 16 days

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the last unicorn post from earlier has me thinking about the master. that yana is still in there, you know? is still someone he was, if even for a brief flash across the life of a time lord. there’s no way to unlive that life. there are ways to twist it later, sure, to make utopia into hell on earth. but the life was lived. in much the same way that the doctor can remember, can feel, the love he held onto as john smith even as that life is ripped out of his hands. the doctor choose denial and then grief and then to shutter it all away. and so john smith died, and so professor yana died, and the doctor and the master live on. the doctor has done this before, and he lives in orbit around humanity, trying to keep the best parts of them and hold them deep enough to take root (which he can pretend he gets to choose, as a time lord. as a human, it all floods in and can’t be dug back out.) but what about the master, right?

to borrow a turn of phrase: i think there are two time lords left in the universe, and they both learned how to regret.