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racinggirl · 3 months

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best I've ever been

Lando Norris fic - requested

My inbox for requests

a/n: thank you for this request, anon! I tried to write it the way I see things, and the way I've experienced things. I do want to put A MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING on this story, as it contains loads of things that might trigger anyone that has some sort of eating disorder. I also want to say that if you struggle with any form of eating disorder or any other mental health struggles, please please contact someone. If you're scared to do that, tell someone, even if it is a stranger online, slide in my questions, but look for help. you do not have to do this alone, and there are many people that want to see you smile, even if you might not see it yourself. Enjoy this story, and keep sending in requests 🧡

FEB 28th, 2024

Being a student at university while dating one of the most famous people in the world wasn’t something that was on everybody’s to do list. But it was on yours, and it brought along a lot of hate, high expectations and stress.

You have never been that perfect WAG, you weren’t like Lily, who was a professional golfer. You weren’t like Kelly, who had a beautiful daughter and was an amazing model. You weren’t like Alexandra, who was stunningly beautiful with an amazing career. You were just you, and that’s something Lando loved about you.

‘I don’t want to date a professional model, someone famous or some sort of influencer. I want to date you, because in my eyes you are more beautiful than all the models together. You’re the one that stole my heart and please, never give it back to me.’

He always made sure to reassure you, tell you how beautiful you are, how proud he was of everything you were doing, how grateful he was for calling you his girlfriend. All those things made you love that man even more and more every single day.

‘’You look stunning, baby.’’ His lips pressed a gentle kiss to your temple, his hand intertwined with yours as he pulled your body closer against his own.

‘’You feel cold, my love, are you okay?’’ His hand moved to rest on your forehead, then on both your cheeks as his bright eyes looked at you with worry.

‘’I’m okay, Lando, it’s just a bit chilly in here.’’ You smiled, giving his hand a gentle squeeze before you both walked out of his hotel room, on your way to the parking lot so you could go to the track immediately after.

He never noticed, and you were somewhat happy, but somewhat sad as well. You see, you weren’t like all the other WAGs, instead of wearing a size XS or S, you’d squeeze yourself into a medium or large at some times. Those cute outfits the other girlfriends would wear wasn’t something you’d find in your own wardrobe, simply because you did not feel comfortable wearing something that showed skin.

Lando didn’t mind, though. He never did. He knew you were absolutely gorgeous, and he worshipped you every time he saw you because he was aware of your insecurities. He tried his best to make you feel better about yourself, but you always had this mental note that you wouldn’t be good enough for him, let alone be good enough to be his girlfriend.

‘’No, thanks.’’ You politely rejected the small snack you’d find at the McLaren hospitality, something you used to say yes to because let’s be honest, they were extremely tasty. Lando smiled at you, squeezing your hand gently before whispering something in your ear. You smiled at his words, feeling extremely grateful for having such an amazing boyfriend.

DEC 2nd, 2023

‘’Sooo, how are you and Lando doing?’’ Your best friend had a smirk plastered on her face as the two of you got into the building on campus.

‘’I heard he’s going to Finland to ski with Martin Garrix, will you go along, too?’’

‘’We’re good, but no, I’m not going.’’ You told her while the two of you made your way to the elevator.

‘’Actually, I’m taking the stairs, will you come with me?’’ You asked, watching how your friend nodded and followed you to the staircase.

‘’I’m not good at skiing.’’ You explained, counting every step in your head. ‘’And we have exams in the second week of January, I want to pass those.’’

You weren’t lying, completely. You did have exams that you wanted to pass, and you weren’t the best skier out there, but there was another reason.

FLASHBACK

NOV 4th, 2023

‘’Baby,’’ Lando was in the kitchen preparing dinner as you sat on the couch, working on your laptop for those damn deadlines.

‘’Hmm?’’ You hummed, typing away a few words for your thesis as you glanced up at your boyfriend.

‘’Will you come along on the ski trip? It’s in your holiday period, isn’t it?’’ He asked, sitting on the edge of the couch as he read through a few paragraphs of your thesis.

‘’I’m sorry, babe, but I can’t.’’ You started. ‘’Things will be busy, and I really want to finish my final exams and get this thesis done with.’’ You explained, feeling his hand on your cheek to make you look at him.

‘’Okay, I understand.’’ He whispered and kissed your forehead gently, like he always did.

The moment he walked to the kitchen to finish dinner, you looked at your schedule. Just a few more months till the season started, a few more months till he would have to show up at the paddock with you on his side, because you knew he loved having you on his side, and you loved supporting him.

However, it also meant you had just a few more months to lose as much weight as possible.

END OF FLASHBACK

DEC 2nd, 2023

Never did you think you’d end up in a situation like you were now. Never did you think you’d end up on the ground, your best friend next to you as a random girl brought you some water.

‘’Are you okay? You scared the living shit out of me.’’ Your best friend had her hand on your back as she thanked the girl that gave you the water. You took a sip, carefully, and you sighed.

‘’I’m okay, I just… I didn’t sleep too good last night, maybe I should have gone to sleep earlier.’’ You lied, again. It was something that had become a part of your routine lately.

‘’Okay, well, stop doing that then because you scared me.’’

You had passed out once you had reached the top of the stairs. Not eating properly for a few weeks in a row had probably been the reason for that, but you did not want to worry them. You knew for sure that if you would have been skinny, it was the first thing people would say, and you somehow put that as your goal. You knew it was bad, you knew relying on other peoples’ reactions for your goal to be reached wasn’t something that was a good indicator, but it was what you did.

AUG 7th, 2023

Hate, it’s something every celebrity and WAG has to deal with, but somehow you were shocked when it actually happened to you. Lando had warned you about it, and he had also tried his best to reassure you. Somewhere you knew the things those people said was fake, and only came from an act of jealousy, but that didn’t mean it hurt less.

You were scared to mention it to Lando, because you knew he loved his fans, and the fact those fans sent hate to you, would absolutely break him. That’s why you never mentioned it to him. Until you had to…

You and Lando had been dating for almost 6 months now, and the world found out about a month ago. You wanted to keep it quiet for longer, but after fans spotted you together more than once, there was no more denying of the fact you two were dating.

At first you were excited, because Lando always made you feel so good and so comfortable, you thought you could take on the world with him on your side. You weren’t scared of anything when it came to the adventures you’d go on with him, but those things quickly changed the moment you opened your phone to go to Instagram.

The hate seemed like it was never ending. You had never posted a picture with Lando because you feared the reactions. You never even posted selfies anymore due to the fear of judgement from others, from fans. It wasn’t all hate, and people were extremely kind as well, but whenever you start to receive hate, those things don’t matter anymore.

FEB 5th, 2024

15 kilos down, you had lost 15 kilos since you started losing weight, and today was the day you saw the number go down again. You had been stuck on a plateau for almost a week, and you started to panic when the number wouldn’t go down. You started to restrict yourself more, and more, and eventually the number went down.

Surviving on two crackers and a bit of dinner wasn’t good, but it worked, and you were determined to keep it going.

Lando was away quite a bit for work. He had complimented you a few times already, because of course he saw that you had lost weight. 15 kilos weren’t a little bit.

‘’You lost weight.’’ He smiled, his lips on that same place on your temple again as you closed your eyes. ‘’Mhm, I did.’’ You whispered proudly; your arms wrapped around his torso.

‘’You look beautiful, darling. I just, you know you didn’t have to, right? I mean, I’m glad you’re feeling better, but you know that you didn’t have to do it, at least not for me. I’ll love you no matter what size, shape, or weight you are.’’ His hands moved to cup your cheeks, causing you to look directly into his eyes.

‘’I know.’’ You whispered, leaning up to press your lips to his. That kiss turned into something more, because now you were comfortable enough to take the first step.

FEB 28th, 2024

‘’You look amazing, Y/N.’’ Lily, Oscar’s girlfriend, wrapped her arms around you, hugging you before pulling away to take a look at you. ‘’How much did you lose?’’

‘’Ehm, around 20 kilos.’’ You smiled at her, hearing her gasp. ‘’Oh, wow, that’s a lot!’’ She smiles, but you could hear the worry in her voice as well.

‘’Yeah, I mean, it’s alright, I feel a lot better now.’’

You groaned, put your phone away and took a deep breath. You were annoyed, both with yourself and with others. You knew you promised yourself you’d stop the moment others commented about your weight loss, the moment others would get worried, because that’s when you would have reached your goal. But you couldn’t stop, and that’s what worried you.

‘’Hey, let’s get lunch.’’ Lily smiled at you, and the panic immediately started in your head. How could you get out of it, how could you not eat anything, how how how…

‘’Sure.’’ You smiled back, because others couldn’t suspect anything, they’d stop you, and that’s what you feared because you did not want to go back to that summer of last year.

As you sat down next to Lily, you had ordered a salad because that was the meal with the least number of calories on the menu. It had become a habit, searching for the lightest, most healthy, and smallest portions and meals.

You had barely eaten anything, though, and Lily noticed, too. ‘’You barely touched your food, are you okay?’’ She asked softly. After reassuring her everything was fine, the waiter came to take the food away.

‘’Are you sure you’re done?’’

Lando and Oscar came to join you not long after, both boys taking a seat next to their girlfriends.

‘’Hey, did you have lunch already?’’ Oscar asked Lily, causing Lily to nod. ‘’Eh, yeah, we did.’’ She says, hesitantly though. She glanced over at you, and then at Lando. He knew enough by just that look.

He was aware of the fact you were losing weight. At first, he was proud, and he tried to help you with choosing the right foods, the right supplements for extra vitamins and even did his workouts with you. However, when you started to lose more, and faster, he got worried. He talked to you about a healthy weight loss multiple times. He even talked to Jon about a diet that would help you slowly go back to maintaining weight, because you had lost a lot.

Lando tried to have that conversation with you a few times, but you always brushed it off. He was barely ever with you because of the preparations for the start of the season, which he absolutely hated. He contacted your best friend, asking her to keep an eye on you as well.

‘’Babe.’’ He said, this time very seriously. ‘’Can we talk?’’ He asked. ‘’Alone.’’

‘’Ehm, maybe later, okay? I must do something first.’’ You always came up with an excuse because you had a feeling Lando was going to talk to you about your weight loss. You had a feeling he was going to tell you to stop losing weight, because that’s what was going through your own mind as well. You knew you had to stop, you just couldn’t.

‘’Did you eat lunch?’’ He then asked, causing Oscar to look at you as well as Lily. ‘’Yeah, I did.’’ You said, or actually, you lied. ‘’Okay, fine, then you won’t mind me asking Lily.’’ He continued and glanced over at his teammate’s girlfriend.

You looked at Lily, nervously. You couldn’t ask her to lie for you, but you also didn’t want her to tell him the truth. ‘’We had lunch, Lando.’’ You quickly said.

‘’I’m asking Lily.’’ He said, a little more dominant this time.

‘’Lando…’’ You sighed, but he had enough.

‘’I think I already know the answer.’’ He started. ‘’Come with me. Now.’’ He grabbed your hand and pulled you up, walking with you to his driver’s room. He had to talk to you, and even though he hoped it would never come to this point, there was something that had to happen, and you knew it as well.

‘’Lando, what are you… Hey!’’ You frowned, watching how he put you in the chair and how he stood in front of you. He was mad, but mostly hurt, it was written all over his face.

‘’You’re gorgeous, Y/N, you’re absolutely beautiful and it hurts me so much that you’re not seeing it. I wish, I honestly wish you could see yourself through my eyes, because then you’d see the most beautiful, gorgeous, perfect girl I’ve ever laid eyes on.’’

You stayed silent, but immediately felt a tear rolling down the right side of your face.

‘’You lost weight, and I’m so proud of you for doing so. I always told you you didn’t have to lose weight, that you’re perfect the way you are, but I knew you wanted it. I knew you didn’t feel comfortable the moment you showed me those DM’s, the hate you received. I was supporting you, I wanted to help you because I knew it would make you feel better once you’d lose a few kilograms. Damnit Y/N, I was so proud of you for losing the weight with the right food, the right workouts and at the right pace. But ever since you started restricting at the beginning of this year, I should have stopped you. I wanted to let you figure it out yourself, because I know you’re strong, and I know you could do that. I hate myself for not being with you more, for not looking out for you, for being the worst boyfriend ever because I didn’t give you enough love-…’’

‘’You do…’’ You whispered; your voice soft as you wiped the tears that were falling from your face. ‘’You give me so much love, Lando.’’

‘’Then why.’’ He asked, his voice breaking in the middle of the next sentence. ‘’Then why are you doing this to yourself.’’

You looked down at your lap, then at your fingers, and then at his hands that took your hands in his own. You watched how he kneeled in front of you, wiped your tears with his thumbs and forced you to look into his eyes which had tears in them as well.

‘’I love you, so much you have no idea, please… please let me help you. I will not force you to gain weight but let me help you get back to a healthy lifestyle. Let me ask Jon to put together a plan for you so you will maintain a healthy weight. We can do workouts together. I promise I’ll be there more often, in between races, for your graduation. I see a future with you, Y/N, and I want you to accept my help… No. I need you to accept my help, because it hurts me so much seeing how you treat yourself, my love. You deserve so much better than how you’re treating yourself. I’ll go to therapy with you if you need me to, okay? I promise you I’ll make it my own personal goal to see you have a healthy relationship with food again.’’

You never expected the words of the love of your life would turn everything around. You never expected Lando to have such a big effect on your thoughts, on your view on weight loss.

‘’Please help me…’’ You whispered before breaking down in his arms. Every word he spoke hit you right in the heart. Seeing the tears in his eyes and hearing his voice breaking were the things that made you realise you weren’t only punishing yourself, but also the love of your life. And it wasn’t just him that you were hurting.

Your best friend.

Lily.

Oscar.

Your parents.

That random girl in the hallway that gave you the glass of water after watching you pass out.

That one fan that told you you were gorgeous, that told you to not believe the haters.

The waiter that took away the almost untouched salad, asking if you were sure you’d had enough.

You were hurting more people than just yourself, and right now it was the time to give back to those people by working on yourself, by taking care of your own health so Lily wouldn’t have to lie for you anymore. So your best friend could stop worrying about her best friend. So Oscar wouldn’t have to feel sorry for not noticing. So that fan can continue sending positive messages and not feel like what they say doesn’t matter. So that waiter can take back an empty plate knowing that the food they served was tasty. So that random girl doesn’t have to look at you and worry every time you walk up the stairs.

So you would be happy.

AUG 12th, 2024

if you struggle with mental health in any way shape or form, please call 988. A life line for anyone that needs support. You are beautiful, you are worth it, you are amazing <3

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plutoispurplw · 2 months

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Cardigan PT2

Summary: Spencer is feeling guilty and reader is nervous about the pregnancy.

Couple: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Angst, Spencer being a bad boyfriend, mention of miscarriage (not the actual baby), pregnancy nausea.

A/N: appreciate this and plss reblog

note: English is not my first language and I'm accepting requests!

The days passed. The team tried to reach out to you, to talk about what happened but you didn't answer except when Penelope called you.

She was the only one who knew about your pregnancy, she probably would be worried about you and the baby so you decide to answer.

"Hi Y/N, what are you doing?" Her voice sounded animated, it felt warm and made you comfortable to talk, she was the person you could talk to right now.

"Doing laundry at my friend's house, I need to do something to keep my mind clear."

"Dear I know you don't wanna talk about him but have you told him about the baby?" Her voice was empathetic, you know she was worried about your mental health and you hiding your pregnancy from him.

For a moment you felt your eyes start to crystallize, the wound was still new and it hurt. "I couldn't, how could I if he had been acting weird for the past months?"

"You're gonna come back?" She asks you again, her voice sounding more sentimental and nostalgic. You didn't wanna leave her too like Derek had to.

"I still don't know but we're gonna still be friends so don't worry, you can't escape from me." You try to comfort her with your words but you still feel like it doesn't work, you decide to send her a photo of the ultrasound where the baby was a little visible.

When she saw the photo she nearly yelled with enthusiasm. "She or he looks so cute already, I can't wait to buy baby clothes and toys."

"Me too."

Two weeks later you came back to the BAU office, and everyone looked surprised to see you there, you supposed that they already knew about the fight and that you left the apartment but not the reason why.

When Spencer saw you he looked guilty, you could notice small changes in him because, after all, you're the one who has been waking up by his side for almost three years.

The dark bags under his eyes were more noticeable and his expression looked like he hadn't been sleeping well all these days. His hair looks a little more messy. The guilt was eating him alive

Jennifer couldn't look at you when she saw you she walked to another place in the office, you decided to try to be the most civilized you could with them but it was hard.

How could she listen to you talking about Spencer being less affectionate with you and acting more distant while she knew the reason?

The only reason why you haven't yelled at her was because she had been supporting you after you had a miscarriage, she hugged you telling you that she knew how you felt. She comforts you

That's what hurt you the most, that they decided to lie to you in the face, that they acted like nothing was happening and yes, they never had an affair but the feeling was there, the stares, the internal jokes, everything. She loved him after all these years and he maybe loved her too.

You couldn't bear that thought.

You only talked to Spencer when was necessary in the cases, there was always a certain tension in the air when you both talked. The anger maybe or the sadness, maybe a mix of both.

You thought many times about finally telling him about your pregnancy. When you were pregnant the first time and you told him he cried, he was so happy about knowing he was gonna have a child and that he was gonna be a father.

He promises you to never be like his father and always take of both of you. He took care of you like you were a porcelain doll that could break if the air was strong.

When the miscarriage happened he stayed with you in the hospital, holding you while you cried. He was the reason why you got up from the bed even on the worst days.

In another case you were throwing up in the bathroom, the pregnancy nausea was the worst thing you ever had experience and the worst part was trying to hide it from the team.

When you got out of the bathroom Spencer was there and he looked concerned about you. "Are you feeling well? You have been throwing up these last days."

"Yes, I'm just feeling bad because of something I ate." You try to convince him but you can see in his eyes that he didn't believe a word of what you said.

"I wanna talk to you about something, after this case, you wanna go to the apartment to talk? You don't have to come back but I need to talk with you." He sounded nervous, it was the first time he looked you in the eyes after everything.

Surprisingly you decide to go accept. "It would be okay." Maybe you could listen to whatever he says, it wouldn’t hurt, wouldn’t it?

It was time to tell him the truth, for the sake of the baby and your mental health, you live worried about having a miscarriage again. Sometimes you fall asleep after crying for the baby.

After the case ended and everyone was back again in Quantico, you decided to go to Spencer's apartment, your apartment.

When you knock on the door you hear things moving inside and footsteps, after a moment Spencer opens the door. "Hi Y/N" He gave you a small smile, the most precious smile you ever seen.

"Hi, Spencer." You try to make your voice more gentle and you smile at him too. You cover your belly with your bag, just trying to cover your pregnancy for a couple of minutes more.

He moved to the side and let you pass, the apartment looked clean, and you noticed something on the coffee table of the living room, there was a gift bag of your favorite color. When you saw it Spencer took the bag and moved it to the bedroom, maybe it wasn't for you.

You walk towards the couch and sit on it, Spencer sits on the opposite side. The silence was awkward, you were playing with your bracelet waiting for him to talk.

"I'm sorry" When you turned to look at him you found him looking at you, his eyes were filled with affection again, it was like before.

"I'm sorry for being for distant from you, you didn't deserve it, I was an idiot for treating you like that and making you have questions all the time." His voice sounds regretful, his eyes stay on yours. "I'm not gonna ask you to forgive me if you can't, if you want you can stay in the apartment and I move out, you don't have to worry about anything."

You felt tears running down your cheeks, this was the end? If it was you decide to ask him the only question you want an answer "You love Jennifer?"

He stayed quiet and you thought the worst when you tried to get up he stopped you. "No, I don't love her, I was confused about my feelings for her but right now I promise you that I don't love her."

He got closer to you and wiped your treacherous tears from your cheeks, he cupped your face with gentle hands, hands that caressed your skin like it was silk. "I love you, you're the love of my life and If you wanna stay with me I do whatever you want, I can stop being her friend, we can move to another state, whatever you want."

You started to cried harder, you felt his arms involving your body like a warm blanket. Your face was hiding on his chest, pouring your tears on his shirt. You felt at peace right now but deep inside the sadness was still there, haunting you like a ghost.

He then tried to kiss you but you pulled away from him. He look at you confused waiting for you to say something. "I still don't know if I can forgive you Spencer. I'm still very hurt by everything and I feel like if I take a decision right now I would be rushing everything." Your voice was apologetic even if you didn't do anything wrong here, but still you felt guilty.

He gave you a slightly nod, a silent way of telling that it was fine. "It's okay, you don't have to take a decision right now, I will wait." He look regretful, you could see right through him and all you see was him feeling like he didn't deserve your forgiveness, a part of you felt like this too.

All the next week Spencer had been avoiding you and you also notice that he wasn't longer talking with Jennifer, just if it was necessary for the cases. On the weekend you were back in his apartment to take dinner with him that was more like talking and telling him about the baby.

While you were having dinner, you could't keep the secret anymore from him.

"Spencer, I'm pregnant." You whisper to him, he stop moving for a moment after hearing those words falling from your lips, the unbearable pressure on you was gone, it was lifted from your chest letting you breathe freely after a a long time.

When his genius brain started working again he got up from the chair and walked towards you, he pulled you from the chair too, his arms embraced you in a blink, his face hiding on your neck.

You feel how your body was being crushed in the most loving way in the world.

He pulled you from his embrace enough to see your face, he couldn't believe it. "How long have you know about the pregnancy?" His words were serious but you still could feel the happiness from knowing that he was gonna be a father.

"Since almost three months ago, before it happen all of this." His expression become remorseful, the happiness that he had gotten only moments ago was gone again like the waves of the ocean.

He then stopped hugging you and left the room for a moment, and minutes later he was back with the gift from earlier, and he handed it to you like it was fragile. "Open it, it's a gift for you."

When you open it you found a vinyl from your favorite artist and a pearl bush tone cardigan that had sewn stars of a gray tone. You took the cardigan from the bag and tried on your body, it was a little big for your body but you didn't mind.

"You think you can give me second chance?" He whisper against your hair, voice that sounded hopeful for your forgiveness.

You still were conflicted by everything but you know he was your baby's father, you would always be linked to him. A invisible string was tying you to him.

So you said the words that your mind keep telling you to wait more before speaking them. "I give you second chance."

Taglist: @ellooo0ooo @watercolorskyy @the-uncoordinated-house-cat @hales-who-loves-to-reid @babyspiderling @navs-bhat @sewmxx @imjustheretoreads-blog @bre99 @tortelliniturtle7 @elliewilliamsthang @sabage101 @wannabewolf

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autismprotocol · 2 months

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TMAGP Theory Board (Episode 8-9)

Hi guys sorry about the missed week of theory crafting my schoolwork has been extra demanding and I haven't been able to get around to updating the board until now so here's the updated board

Episode 8 especially was insane so I'm gonna break the episode breakdown into two sections.

What Happened in Episode 8: Running On Empty

New Norris Statement! it's been a while since we heard from our buddy and he did not disappoint. though there's not much to say story-wise this was just a cool incident report I loved the way they described the Lonely as a constantly hungry entity. I also noticed that the pattern of Norris's statements having to do with lost love continues to be true. it's much more subtle than his previous two incidents but the statement giver does mention losing his wife because of divorce. which I believe still follows the pattern I've theorized is taking place.

Something up with Alice. She seems more depressed and serious than she usually is in this episode. (through episode 9 I think I know why but I'll get to that later. I don't believe she is completely in the dark like some of the newer employees and after hearing about Gwen's promotion she is getting suspicious. we have yet to know if Alice knows what's happening. but her behavior in this episode might give us a hint about how naive she actually is.

Colin is Absent. After his freakout in EP 7, Colin is MIA. according to Lena, he's on a mental health break but I would not be surprised if that is a lie.

Gerry and Gertrude are Alive!! Probably the most exciting development in this episode was meeting an alive Gerry Keay and Gertrude Robison. Sam is on the hunt for info about the Magnus Institute after the emails Jon has been sending him and he and Celia end up meeting Gerry who in this universe is considerably more happy and lives with Gertrude. I'm interested to know what role Gertrude plays in this universe is she at all connected to the Institute? I definitely think something is up with her because of the way she tries to deflect Sam's question to Gerry.

Celia Lore. after the meeting with Gerry leads to a dead end for Sam, Celia asks him to help her with her mystery. "I'm trying to look into... Weird physics stuff: time travel, other dimensions, teleportation" More proof for this Celia being from from Archives. why else would she be looking into other dimensions specifically if she wasn't trying to figure out what happened at the Panopticon. (Remember as far as we know Celia before the change in Archives was just a normal person she had no connection to the entities or the Institute.) when Sam asks, she says it's for her friend's podcast but I think she's lying. or not telling the full truth.

Georgie Barker Perhaps? speaking of the friend. our last reveal of the episode is Georgie in protocol. I don't think she is from Archives because Georgie appears after Jons's sacrifice in MAG 200.

And thats it for episode 8 so im gonna move on to Episode 9

What happened in Episode 9: Rolling With It

Sam is back to filling out onboarding paperwork but the questions on it are strange. asking about past traumas, how many dead things you've seen recently, and the infamous question why? similar types of questions that appear in TMA job interviews.

A Magnus Statement!?! After Celia tells Sam she can't find anything at the Magnus Institute Sam considers cutting his losses and letting it go. But then Chester without any prompting begins reading a Magnus statement incident to Sam. I still believe Chester is Jon and he acts as a mentor to Sam trying to keep him safe by providing him with bits of the answers he's looking for. (this way Sam won't be in danger of looking for answers elsewhere and maybe he won't be targeted by this unknown force that had killed RedCanary and driven Colin to extreme paranoia.) the statement reveals that the institute collected and stored artifacts much like the Institute in Archives.

What's the deal with the Institute? the statement Chester shares this episode is pretty standard Magnus stuff, magic fear dice is just another Thursday for TMAG enjoyers. but what I found most interesting was the pre-statement info. What does this viability survey mean? viable for what? I and my roommate have a kind of joke theory that the Institute in this universe is a hub for training and creating new avatars but now I'm starting to think this might actually be the case. I think they are looking for people who have the potential to become avatars as subjects. for the agents, they might be employing avatars to work for the institute and the catalyst has to be finding an avatar that can complete the ritual and bring the Change. The unknown statement giver in this episode can't be a subject because they are already claimed by a power from the dice (still unsure what power it is ) they have low potential to become an agent because based on the end of the statement they now want nothing to do with the dice stepping away from their identity as a fear avatar and then dying. and for some reason, the institute must see some potential that this individual can serve as a catalyst for the ritual. I'm hopeful we'll get another avatar statement and maybe we can revisit this Viability survey again

Gwen's First assignment. Gwen gets her first Liason assignment and it has brought up a major player from the protocol ARG. Mr Bonzo is this weird mascot character that showed up multiple times in the ARG that was launched back in the fall of 2023. Gwen is tasked with delivering an envelope with a name and address to Nigel Dickerson someone who according to Gwen is known for Mr. Bonzo. Basically, I have no idea where this is going but I definitely think it must be important.

Poor Alice. Alice meets with Teddy to catch up. Nothing story significant happens here but we do learn that maybe Alice still harbors some romantic feelings towards Sam.

The Ruins. After her conversation with Teddy Alice is approached by Sam with a request. He wants to go to the old Magnus Institute ruins and wants Alice to come with him. This is definitely a bad idea but she agrees and that's where we leave off

and thats it for now. The story is getting so good and I'm already attached to all the characters so im terrified to see what Sam and alice dig up at the ruins (Sam clearly didn't heed the warning of the RedCanary)

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 8 days

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Wibta for writing my friend a letter rather than talking to her in person?

Tw, self harm.

So I (21f) have a friend who we'll call Button (20f) who I have been good friends with since we were 7. Button is a lovely person but unfortunately she suffers with a lot of mental and physical health issues. Due to some issues that happened when we were teenagers, which I won't get into, Button ended up cutting off all of her friends besides me and our other friend Sock (21f). Because of said mental health issues, Button has become extremely clingy and controlling over me and Sock as her friends. She's had break downs over us doing perfectly innocuous things (e.g., unexpectedly running into each other and deciding to get coffee together without her) and these breakdowns have involved self harm.

Button has recently been trying to make some new friends and has not been successful. The problem is that because she has been really isolated for a long time she doesn't know how to talk to people, and she's autistic which adds to her problems connecting with people. The ways that she has been going about trying to get close to people have been really counterproductive and have ended up pushing people away from her, e.g., starting conversations with people shes never met before with extremely traumatic stories and not recognising that people are uncomfortable so she just keeps going and going, and social media stalking. She would be a lot more successful making friends if she didn't do those things, she is a genuine, funny, brilliant person when you get to know her, but she's inadvertently scaring people off from ever getting close enough to her to know that.

The problem is that she takes even the most gentle criticism extremely poorly. I want her to be happy, and I know what some of the problems are and we can work to resolve them together, but we can't do that if she doesn't know what they are. I've tried to talk to her in person about stuff before and she just started hysterically scream-crying and I never actually got to the core issue I wanted to discuss to begin with. I know if we have this discussion in person I will not get to say everything that needs to be said. Hence the idea for a letter. However, I'm worried this will set off another self harm episode if she thinks I'm writing her a letter because I hate her or something (which I truly do not, I'm really scared for her). If I talk to her in person then at least I will be there to deal with the fallout rather than have her be alone for it. If I leave it and don't talk to her she's going to continue to make the same mistakes with people and continue not to make friends and spiral further into self loathing over it, but I don't know if me considering writing a letter about it is a cowardly way of dealing with this situation on my end?

Wibta?

#aita #am i the asshole #self harm cw

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cheemscakecat · 25 days

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Why Emesis Blue Medic should be taken off the Gravel War Battlefield.

My overall Em Blue theory is that it’s a shared nightmare, so keep that in mind for this post.

So we know Dr Ludwig has been diagnosed with Schizophrenia by somebody at BLU. The reason we know this is because he gave Scout the same medicine that he’s been taking, which you wouldn’t do if you had two different issues going on.

If you were Scout and your doctor friend was addicted to this medicine, you wouldn’t want to get addicted yourself. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Scout theorizes that the medicine is part of the problem.

So here’s my theory on what mental health problem is plaguing BLU Medic:

Because he was roughly 6 when the N*zis took power in 1933 and Jewish, Fritz had a lot of trauma from a young age. He developed DID, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder [it can only develop from childhood trauma]. His parents and doctors were limited in what they could do because of the state of the country; they also thought his hallucinations of other personalities were imaginary friends.

When he escaped to America as an adult, he decided to join BLU in the hopes that other mercenaries would be willing to go fight against Germany in the war. But then the first respawn failures happened, and he got roped into being an “expert” on the issue.

Spy’s Disguise gave us a brief window into what was happening to the doctor during the respawn crisis.

He hasn’t been sleeping well. He’s got an exposed cut on his face, a five o’clock shadow, and bags under his eyes.

He didn’t speak or blink for any of the scenes he was in, which was off putting to Engineer. He even showed them what was wrong using a VHS, not his words.

Overall, he seems aloof and unapproachable, which is different to how he acted in Em Blue.

We know Jules Archibald must be a hack since Soldier and Spy had a nightmare where he’s callously letting people die for money. If he’s too posh to defend himself like he was in Spy’s perspective, he’s got to be too posh to deal with respawn failure gore.

But that wouldn’t stop him and his crew from holding Medic to a high standard when it came to his work, even if they didn't really want to spend money to fix the problem. I imagine the Administrator was the one that had to “motivate” them to allocate funds, and it would take her a while to get fed up.

So in the meantime, Ludwig developed a new, scarier personality to help him deal with Jules and new respawn failure trauma.

He was the one in control when CyberSpy was examined, and when he was given the bad news about his condition.

We know the doctor still doesn't understand his condition because of the nightmare versions of his other personalities.

This is the nightmare version of the unblinking, mute personality from the funeral. But he’s not the only personality that Fritz is afraid of.

This hallucination gives us more insight into how the doctor views his other personalities. 1. They are trying to trick him and other people. Whichever one this nightmare is based off of is good at pretending to be him.

2. They hate him. He woke up with blood on his hands and no memory of why. The nightmare got angry that he tried to wash the blood off himself. It didn’t hesitate to hurt him.

3. They love violence, and they want to hurt him. This one choked him out and slammed his head into the mirror. And again, he woke up with blood on his hands.

Him unknowingly killing Scout’s Ma and kidnapping the poor guy happened because he’s afraid that these personalities want to do that. He’s afraid that they’re plotting something and biding their time, Em Blue is the manifestation of what he thinks they’re up to.

The plague doctor was reaching towards him like it was going to be fake nice, despite all of its terrifying features. He thinks that one is trying to lull him into a false sense of security.

He’s wrong about them, and we have proof. We have the actual personality that the mirror monster is based off of, and a long scene with him in control.

This is the personality that developed to deal with RED mercs on the battlefield. That’s why he’s so good at fighting and acts so terrifying.

Now imagine for a moment that you black out during a fight, and when you come to your team is freaking out over you. They say you started beating the RED team senseless, with a terrifying grin that nobody has seen from you before. You don’t remember any of it, and unfortunately it’s only the first of many times this will happen.

That’s Dr Ludwig’s perspective. He doesn’t know what they want. He doesn’t know what they are or how to get rid of them. They keep appearing in the corner of his office or his room, if you watch him talk to Scout in his MedBay, he keeps looking around like he expects another person to be there. He just wants it to stop, so he starts relying on Valium as a crutch.

The bottle reveal is an interesting scene to me, because Emesis Diazepam horrifies the doctor. It must be something he knows is dangerous, and he’d never take knowingly.

Here are some symptoms of long term Valium/Diazepam abuse

Persistent drowsiness

Confusion

Memory loss

Fatigue

Dizziness

Blood in urine/feces

Depression

Anxiety

Tremors

Sleeping problems

Nightmares

Hallucinations

Seizures

Here are the overdose symptoms:

Coma [can still breathe]

Bluish lips and fingernails

Blurred/double vision

Slowed/stopped breathing

Confusion

Depression

Dizziness

Drowsiness

Excitability

Hiccups

Rapid eye movement

Rash

Stomach is upset/pained

Tiredness

Tremors

Uncoordinated movement and weakness

I think the bottle reveal is meant to be a wake up call about the Valium addiction. Maybe the other personalities know he should stop taking it, we do see the quiet one standing behind him afterwards.

DID personalities develop to protect a person from their trauma and keep them safe. Sometimes these personalities can be dangerous because they believe that they are demons, evil, or that destroying the host body will just send them back to their own. People wake up parked on bridges and in other odd places because another personality took control then switched back.

But in every scene where we get to see the others in control, they appear to be trying to help Fritz, not make things worse. The quiet one was trying to keep him safe from Spy and the people at BLU that made him a scapegoat. The violent one was attacking the Engineers to try and save both Medic and Scout, and probably tried to take control at Scout’s house so he could deal with BLU Ma’s body instead.

When the ambulance crashed into the telephone pole, that was because the quiet one over exerted himself and blacked out. But remaining parked outside of Scout’s house and waking up may well have happened because of the Valium abuse. The medicine is causing more symptoms that overlap with DID, and exacerbating the distrust that Fritz feels towards the others.

This doesn’t make him a bad guy, he doesn’t know what he’s doing to himself or that the others are trying to help him. The quiet one is terrifying, and seeing him in the corner of your room would get on your nerves. Blacking out and being told about actions you don’t remember doing would be terrifying, and I don’t blame him for assuming the personalities are malicious.

Maybe it would be better for BLU Medic to keep working as BLU since it’s become home, but not as a battle Medic. First he needs to reconcile with the others and understand what they are trying to do. Then they need to work together to decide whether he should retire or stay at the familiar base. But he’s having too many issues to be fighting other mercenaries.

The Spies and RED Medic that looks exactly like him are just going to confuse matters more, whether they know it or not. They gotta get another BLU Medic to fight on the field, this can’t go on.

#tf2 #emesis blue #character analysis #sad lad hours #emesis blue medic #emesis blue theory #Angst #medical symptoms #Not a psychiatrist

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zorlok-if · 1 year

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Hi everybody,

It's been a while. Sorry that I've been gone so long without explanation or communication, I've been in a bad place. For more info check under the cut. Otherwise, hello! I'm alive and so is this project. Progress has been stalled and will continue to be stalled because this is a hobby and I have to focus on priorities. That doesn't mean that it's dead. I still intend to release everything when I can. I appreciate your support and interest.

Hope you're all well! 😊

Albie

(cw: discussion of bad mental health, anxiety, and depression; school shooting mention)

Okay, hello! Welcome to the rest of this post.

Basically, I've been in a bad mental place for a long time and have a lot of issues that I've left unaddressed or festering—most of which tie back to depression, anxiety, fear, and self-loathing.

To start, I wasn't able to graduate this past winter because I fell one class short of my requirements. That really sent me into a spiral and put a strain on my interpersonal relationships.

Then I tried to take that last class this spring but fear related to recent school shootings exacerbated and activated some bad ND habits and I won't be able to complete this course. That means I still won't be able to graduate until I find some online equivalent or professor who will allow me to remain fully remote.

Around the time I found out I wouldn't be graduating, I also got some really cruel anon hate which added onto how I was already feeling and made me hesitant to put anything else out online.

Other things have happened: family stuff, work stuff, health stuff, sociopolitical stuff, etc. (I don't want to go into details with some and won't burden you with the rest). But, essentially, I found myself at a darker place than normal. I withdrew into myself and have been stewing in crippling self-loathing while wearing a convincing smile in my everyday life. (being really honest with this stuff so that if anyone else is going through/experienced something like this they can know they're not alone)

Fortunately, I was able to get away for a bit and spent some time with loved ones I rarely get to see. I've also made a few irl friends recently and feel like I'm coming back out of my shell and starting to heal after traumatic events and relationships. For the first time in a long time, I feel invigorated. I mean, I still feel like stinking trash, but garbage with a will to live and better itself.

As of right now, I'm moving out and finding more work so I can better support myself financially.

If you've read all this going, where's the Zorlok/(other game) update? Here you go: I've been working on Zorlok somewhat, but in the situation/place where I was at, found myself unable to justify dedicating a lot of time to writing and struggling to feel confident about what I was creating when I actually did sit down to do so. This project is in no way dead and I want to work on it and release games more than anything, but I owe it to myself and other people in my life to keep my priorities in check.

This is a hobby and in the past I dedicated time to it when I should've been doing other things. As long as this is a hobby, I can no longer take time away from my priorities to do something I just want to do (no matter how badly I want to do it). So, that's where we're at. I'm continuing to focus on critical things and stop feeling like a jerk for doing that. I know that this might disappoint some people, but that's how things are right now.

If you want to know more about where things are literally at: I'm close to finishing a heavily updated and expanded prologue but episode one has been undergoing changes. I feel pretty shit about myself and that's seeped into my view on what I create which is in turn stalling my ability to make meaningful progress that I don't immediately want to destroy. I've worked on potential Patreon content (including an exclusive game and a Creating Goncharov director's cut), made a Twine template and tutorial, and made progress on updates for Mousetrap and System Processing. I've avoided making changes to the Zorlok page (and my other itch.io pages) these past few months since I don't want people getting their hopes up seeing some sort of "update" from itch.io—only for that update to be "there's no game update yet." That's why those are still out of date, but I'll be fixing them as soon as I can.

So, that's where we are. I wish that I had way more to talk about and release, but that's not been a possibility and I'm just going to be upfront and honest—even if I am disappointed and somewhat afraid and ashamed to admit it. (that's it for the game updates, the rest just gets back to personal)

In general, I've always struggled with shame and fear and those are the main culprits for why I've been radio silent until now. I couldn't find a way to address these topics or talk about them without my odious inner critic getting triggered and shutting me down. However, I'm trying my best to not listen to that asshole because this (*gestures at everything*) must stop.

To be honest, I'm not content with prolonged existence anymore. I want to live—and that's more than I've been able to say for a long time. To be perfectly honest, for the past decade or so I've lived simply because others wanted me around, not because I wanted to be here. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of indifference being my best hope for how I feel about myself. I'm tired of forcing an apathetic soul to drag my flesh through the muck of living. I don't expect what I experience to improve, in fact things will definitely be getting tougher, but I want to change how I experience it. I want to actively live rather than passively slip by. I want to answer questions like "what do you want to do with your life?" and "what are your plans?" with more than vague shrugs and dead-hearted replies meant to brush people off the topic of the future. I want to stop passing through life as a ghost.

I'm still trying to find the motivation, purpose, or courage to genuinely live for myself instead of existing for other people. I still haven't found my "spark"—that properly and blissfully selfish reason to live—but I think wanting to search is a good start.

Anyways, I'll be around more and I'll be more honest with where I am and what's going on. It's my personal mission to deny fear's control over my life and actions. Part of that means allowing myself to be more open with people even if I'm afraid of judgment or negativity.

Excluding a few outliers, you've all been exceptionally kind and encouraging. I'm always overwhelmed and astonished with the support that's been shown to me and my creative projects and I appreciate you all. Thank you so much. Thank you for reading through this. Thank you for caring. You're part of why I'm around.

I hope that you're having a lovely day/night/et cetera and if you aren't, you're not alone ❤️.

I'll see you around. 😊 Thanks again,

Albie

#hi #albie's corner #update #but not a game update #sorry #just a general update #personal

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survivalist-anon · 10 days

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Log 2: Living Under a Rock

It's been a week since my drop-off at the hospital....no surprise I've been having trouble sleeping, I got some work leave from my boss at the nature reserve.....god damn I'm fucking tired.

Local folks both new to the town and old friends have been pandering for questions.

Some of the local middle schoolers kept fallowing me to my work place asking me about the metal guy. I simply told them I shot him in the eye, than he exploded.....I wasn't expecting those annoying brats to tell other kids about it. Obviously the local pastor (Mark) has been sending his goons to come to my cabin to convince me to come to church for the sake of saving my soul and all that "lovely" jazz. I told them I literally may have met the devil, shot him in the eye, exploded , and now he's dead and thus to leave me alone.

Some folks are a little more respectful and just ask me about more personal things. Got recommended a therapist who just moved to town named Miss Jenny Oakley, nice lady, smiles all the time and has an impressive 3 PhDs in psychology and mental health medication. She's been helping me get through the whole thing and believes I'll be able to make a speedy recovery. She trusts my resolve and that's good in my book.

....now "Newly appointed Deputy" Jeff (my ex-boyfriend) apparently thinks he can just give me the presidential treatment. He keeps following my car EVERYWHERE. I feel like nuisance now this has happened, people keep staring at me when Jeff just follows me at this point. You'd think after our falling out he'd have the self respect to be a little less...creepy about it. He's stopped by my cabin to keep checking up on me....I wonder if he thinks it's going to be like in the movies where estranged lovers get back together if something happens....jokes on him... I do not need a guy who has tried to convince me to move to Ohio and insult my family's cultural background to boot. Asshole.

Anyways, I've been hanging out at this new coffee shop that's just opened up...it's cozy, sells actual homemade pastries and the coffee is pretty good. Finally, a nice third place. I've noticed more people around my age go there too .... however I've noticed one group constantly eyeing me from across the shop every time I go...they call themselves the "Marine Spotters"...I have no fucking idea what that intels, one of them came up to my table, had the audacity to sit down in front of me like he knew me.....

"So..........you saw one?", the unshaven neck beard asked.

".......you know you could have asked to sit down and I would have said yes but fine go off Gabe Newell.", I'm not usually this hostile but things have gotten tense for while....I wouldn't blame anyone for being upset at me for it either.

"heheh very funny, anyway, my name is Benedict Grabowski. I'm the local expert in these "big metal men "....I see based on your description you've seen a "Black Legion" marine. A level 3 on the danger scale and are quite rare in these parts.", he adjusts his glasses. "The fact you even survived a harrowing encounter with one is without a doubt a life achievement and a free ticket admission to our organization!", handing me a business card with some edgy cartoon spaceman, it had his phone number, email address and an actual address...it was the abandoned mineral mine not too far from the animal reserve I work at....

"I hope your membership will prove to be of great use to us.", concluding with a smug look on his jolly face.

I sat there ready to throw this guy from window I was seated next to....but I'm certain the shop owners wouldn't be too pleased.

".....why the .org?"

He acted confused, "I beg your pardon?".

"...the .org....on your email address....you don't work for the Tillamook station do you? I told them I don't know shit.", took a frustrated sip of my coffee.

He laid back, "well...I...what one would call....a "white hat hacker"....my services in online server hacking, government surveillance and hehe...not to brag...a national code cracking champion of the Tokyo Code Breaker competition. I actually am...not a huge fan of our corporate federal overlords and I only desire for their inevitable downfall through me tanking their stocks."...

I literally was sitting across to a felon....

"so ..with your epic survival skills, my tech mastery and my collaborators", he points to his original table of collected individuals; a heavyset goth girl, the kid of one of the local beef farmers and one creepy guy I remember being the weird kid in highschool.

"Hi Steven.", I wave to him.

"Hi Lorey!", he waves and gives his creepy grin that in through literally means nothing to me. He does it for a cheap bit that I'm certain Jeff already knows and is dieing to catch him for something.

By this point Benedict was actually shocked I knew Steven. "What?! I thought you just moved here!"

I chuckled a little, "I use to live here, I know the area rather well but it's changed a bit since I was last here back in 2003. Also....what the shit is this all about?". I point to the business card.

His shocked expression transforms back into that stupid 'big shot cool guy' look. "Well, we spot those big metal men. Turns out....these anomalous entities are actually appearing throughout the whole planet. All of them of variety and....motives....". He looks around, takes out a folder of the ever lovable 'blurry photographic evidence' one would expect looking for cryptids. "Behold. Humanoids who walk amongst us!".

Im staring at the photos, one struck me to my core ....the big black and bronze one I saw being blown to chunks...the one that killed Grandpa.

"ah...I see...so it was that one.", leaning towards me closer....I can smell the fucking butter from his croissant he ate at his table. "If you need us...call us....", he decided to leave a second card....ok....."anyway, surprised?"

I was a lot more than surprised....I must have been living under a rock...."yeah....I am."

After that I decided to go home. On the ride back, I couldn't help but wonder if Benedict was telling the truth... about them being everywhere...that's a scary thought in all honesty.

I get out my car and took one long glance at my Grandpa's cabin. His only inheritance to my mom. When I said the funeral was a mess, it was an absolute garbage fire because on the same day we had his will reading. His most valuable possession in his will was this cabin, and boy was my aunt pissed she didn't get the property. At least Mom had the last laugh, anyway....as I was remembering that day....I noticed something that sent shivers up and down my spine.

A blood trail....it looked like it came from the forest behind the property, up the steps and on to my doormat. I get out of the car, cautiously, for I all know whom ever left this bloody mess is close by.

It was a huge leather sack, sealed tight with...a red wax in the opening. It was leaking a lot, I was hesitant to open it, but the blood smelt familiar. "....it can't be....", I tore off the hard wax, the gamey stink of deer was permeating throughout the porch. Opening the sack, I saw what could be weeks worth of meat. I was stunned! All nicely cut and cleaned ...I tried lifting the sack without getting some blood on me...failed...and brought it to the cellar freezer. As I placed the meat in the freezer, I saw there was a note on the bag I hadn't noticed....it was a handwritten note for certain....but I had no idea what was written on it. Again, Nordic ruins were present...but it was mixed with another language...I took medieval history a short while back and had the privilege of almost learning how to read medieval texts....it was close to it...and yet... completely unreadable for me.

I set the note on a table and save it for later.

Everything has been so strange lately.

The hours pass, and I finally decided to do some digging....this has to be some...real life ARG or something....it's either a dedicated group of cosplayers....or... something is really out there...it's so uncanny....

End of log 2

@kit-williams

#space marine husbandry #space marines #warhammer 40k #survival log

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confessionsofa-roleplayer · 4 months

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Everyone always says to communicate with your roleplay partners and be truthful and honest with them. That should include everything from plot points, to disagreements and even reasons why you're not writing at the moment. I wished I could write this on my blog, but at this point I feel like everything I say comes across as excuses. My declining mental health keeps me from being active as I would like to be on tumblr. Some will say to stop leading your partners along or just stop writing altogether, but that is what depression wants you to do, to stop your hobbies and to stop enjoying things and giving into that will only make things worse. I guess I just wished that people would be more understanding. Sometimes getting mental health help is not always feasible for people, especially depending on where you live. I wished they'd stop thinking that everything that I say is just an excuse not to write. I have had a really really really bad past few years, and just because the problem is "over", and "that's in the past", that doesn't mean that doesn't have lasting effects. Trauma is a thing. PTSD is a thing. And sometimes I just don't feel like getting out of bed in the morning. But I should just give up my hobby because some people can't wait on responses? To let my depression get worse? I've tried to communicate things to my partners, only to be ghosted, ignored and unfollowed because of my "excuses". They're not excuses and I really just wished writers would be more understanding. And before people says, "they're allowed to have their feelings, too, and move onto partners that helps with their writing needs." Sure, I agree, to a degree, but long time partners that I considered friends seem to be taking my depression as a personal thing towards them too. It's not… I wished I could be a better writing partner, but my mental health has a tight grip on me, and through the years, while I was battling with it, and am still battling with my problems, I have lost a lot of discipline where writing is concerned (because I have been too focused on other problems) and it's a problem that I have only just recently recognized as a problem and I am trying to work on it… The attitude that the RPC seems to have towards people like me makes me want to be here even less and write even less than I already do. I know there are people out there that does abuse the mental health issues to make excuses and to act like jerks to people… but I am not one of them. I am just here trying to enjoy my hobby and it makes it harder when no one seems to actually care beyond me being a writing machine for them. I am a person behind the screen after all…. please understand this. No one knows what the other person on the other side of the screen is going through. And I know this goes both ways, even for me. I am just asking people to stop taking other people's mental health problems so personally. Not everything is excuses not to write. I would be writing and enjoying my hobby that I love if I could.

#general #confessions

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quaranmine · 2 months

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Art Symbolism in The Incandescence of a Dying Light

Okay, I want to talk about art symbolism in Firewatch AU tonight, so I can finally add this post to the masterpost. This is something I did accidentally at first, and then on purpose later when I realized how perfectly I set it up. It's a happy accident that I ran with. I wish I'd incorporated it more clearly throughout, but as it stands it's a nice little small detail.

Visual art is used throughout the story as symbol of healing and recovery. I think I can speak for most of my fellow artists/writers/etc that not only is our art an important part of our lives, but it helps us process things. I know it's that way for me. Tracking the mentions of art throughout the story paints a picture (lol) of Grian's journey.

Specifically, the very first moment we're introduced to Grian, he's drawing.

He's doing this as part of his job, but it's implied in this scene that he's not drafting anything technical and is just coming up with exteriors. He enjoys the drawing. But significantly, this is a scene before Mumbo disappears. It's a snapshot of the before, a snapshot of normal.

The next time art gets brough up is in chapter four, when Grian learns for the first time that Scar is an artist (while having his breakdown about Mumbo.)

He says, I used to draw. This is an intentional revealing of Grian's mental health in the AU, because depression will literally steal away all your creativity and desire to engage in things you love. I know that from experience, and I'm sure many readers do too. Grian used to draw, but now he doesn't. He used to be an architect--a career he loved--but now he isn't. That's all a mark of his past, which is a person he doesn't feel like he is anymore.

But once we get to chapter eight, after a few weeks of getting closer to Scar and chipping away at finding Mumbo we get:

Scar asks Grian to draw something for him, and Grian actually does it. He picks up the pencil again. This is also when we start to dip into Scar's backstory, because this leads into Grian asking Scar why he's an artist. Scar picked up the hobby after his accident, as something to help him. He stuck with it. (Scar also offers to mail Grian a painting here, an idea that gets "satisfied" in the last paragraph of the story.)

But really it's just...the act of picking up a pencil here that does it for Grian. It's an indication that he's already in a slightly different mindset than he's been in for the past year. He's not healed yet. But he's tangibly in a different place than he was before he met Scar. He's not only willing to try and draw something again, but also listen to a friend's suggestion (after famously ignoring his other friends for months in an attempt at self-destruction.)

It's not a perfect drawing. He throws the first attempt away. But he actually tried again!

Then in chapter twelve we get more art related things, starting with Grian getting to see more of Scar's paintings. We also get another mention from Scar about how picking up art helped him:

For Scar, art is a big part of his identity now. It's a passion he's held for years, and it was something that he could fall back on to help process his trauma and grief. He has insecurities about his art (he's not all confidence all the time) but it is something that he finds important. He finds it important enough to recognize that it would benefit Grian, too.

Then, of course, we have Grian giving Scar the picture of his lookout that he drew in chapter eight. I just knew I had to fit it into the last chapter somehow, to bring it full circle. It's sort of a physical thank you.

It's not just a drawing Grian is giving him. It's the first thing he drew again after months of motivation went down the drain from grief and depression. It's the physical signfier that Scar had a huge impact on his life. It's the proof that maybe Grian can salvage this. He's not going to be his old self. But he doesn't have to abandon everything. He can keep engaging in art. He can get his career back. He can draw a new life for himself.

#thanks for coming to my ted talk i'm insane about them #the art is shorthand for recovery....#hc_firewatch_au

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 3 months

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WIBTA for asking my friends to unfollow my abusive ex on Instagram? (obvious TW for mentions of abuse, and also SA)

I (19nb) broke up with my abusive ex (22nb) several months ago, after I realized how the relationship was affecting my mental health and (at about the same time) they cheated on me in a situation that may have involved them coercing the other person.

that other person told someone in the friend group what happened, and as a result, my ex was removed from all group chats etc. I didn't learn about all of this until after it had already happened; though my ex was abusive, I wasn't going to ask our friends to stop talking to my ex because I really didn't want to discuss the relationship with them. However, I know that our friends have tried to keep their own friends away from my ex, and I'm pretty sure they know that my ex possibly SA'd someone.

I have my ex blocked on Instagram, but every so often the intrusive thoughts get to me and I unblock them and go through their profile to see what they're up to. and I noticed that some of our friends' accounts had liked their most recent posts, and then I went through their follow list and apparently a bunch of our friends still follow my ex. some of them are the "I barely post on my account and I might not even be logged in" type but some are pretty active. at least one friend has apparently entirely blocked my ex (they were one of the first to know what happened), so it doesnt feel like this is an unreasonable ask?

caveat: I'm really not comfortable talking about details of the relationship to these friends, and I dont want to come across as emotionally unstable or needy, it's just something that's been nagging at me.

also, so I can actually know what people think, to clarify the acronyms YTA = "I am the asshole" and NTA = "they are the assholes and i am not" and NAH = "no one is the asshole" right?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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crypticjackal13 · 7 months

Text

Testing out these hc's and also NSFW. Don't like, don't read. What you do on the internet isn't my fault. (CW: mentions of trauma, food, drinking, and s3x)

My Ghost(Simon Riley) Headcanons

He's not addicted to his mask. The dialogue between him and Soap about it is funny as hell("bet you sleep with that thing" "soundly.") But like he probably takes his mask off once he's home alone and what not. Sometimes forgets to wash it but he keeps a reminder on his phone to do it at least once a week. Has a few extras with his stuff, and carries at least one baclava in his uniform's pocket just in case.

He's not super insecure. He's confident, he knows he's hot. I could see him being a bit self conscious about his scars, and he likely doesn't like anyone touching them. But other than that, he doesn't mind how he looks(like his body weight, his height, etc)

Doesn't smoke(or very rarely does it). But he does drink. It's very controlled, though, and he refuses to have any more than 3 drinks because he doesn't want to be irresponsible. Some nights he's actually likely to be the designated driver if the team heads to a pub.

Eats regularly. At least two good meals a day, and he's fairly mindful about what he's eating. Sometimes he doesn't have the time or resources to get like a bunch of veggies or whatever, so he does settle for fast food or junk food. He doesn't starve himself, he knows he won't be able to do his job efficiently if he does.

I think he's not cold and emotionless all the time. He likes jokes and witty banter!! He probably doesn't mind listening to someone ramble for a while!! It might take him a bit to warm up to someone on his own, but he might feel better if there's a mutual friend(i.e. Soap). But he isn't a robot all the time it just takes him a minute to adjust to a new person. (He does always have that lingering fear of betrayal, though. He wishes it wasn't there always nagging at the back of his mind.)

Did go through a lot of therapy. Both for his physical health(after being hung by his ribs and what not) and his mental health(for basically everything). He wouldn't have been considered fit to serve if he hadn't done it. (I also think this would make him the type to make jokes about his own trauma sometimes just for the hell of it)

NSFW. It takes a solid couple of weeks/months into a relationship for him to feel comfortable with sex. He doesn't mind kissing/hugging/holding hands/cuddling, but in terms of intimacy he needs to know that he's safe with someone to actually do that stuff.

He's very nice about it. Checks up on his partner multiple times throughout to make sure he's not doing anything to upset them. If he is, he immediately backs off.

Manhandles by accident. Tends to get lost in the moment and so he just kinda,,, moves his partner around. Quickly apologizes and chuckles and asks them if they're alright in this position.

He's a little kinky. Not a whole lot, but I imagine he'd be okay with things like easy bondage, light impact play, and maybe some stuff with toys if that's what his partner likes. If his partner wants to do something new he does hella research first. Also he may be more leaning dominant but he's not gonna be a hard Dom.

Tends to pass out right after the fact. To combat this he usually tries to keep some snacks, drinks, and wipes in the room in case his partner wants any. Of course he'll make it up to them in the morning--I think he's really good at making proper tea and coffee.

TL;DR I see way too much mischaracterization of him. He's a little guy and he deserves better. :)

#call of duty #call of duty mw2 #simon ghost riley #ghost #ghost mw2 #simon riley #simon riley headcanons #ghost headcanons #SORRY THIS ISNT MY TYPICAL LMK CONTENT IVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A HYPERFIXATION #anyways you can request more cod if you want

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askyourwritergrandma · 9 months

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Hello there. I have a bit of a difficult question in the sense that I don't know who to ask about it. You seemed to be arguably the wisest source to consult on the matter, so I'm taking a chance.

I had an idea for a fic that I wanted to write and I was actually in the process of writing it for a bit. It was for a small fandom event in which I signed up for. I was almost done with it and was in the finishing stages of them when I was obstructed by people and circumstances that really ought not to have ever been and as such, I was never able to fully publish it. Ever since then, I have resented the people who did this as I not only failed to deliver the final product I was supposed to, but I also looked like a fool. I hated everyone and myself for this entire thing as this is not the first time I had been stopped from doing something that I chose outside of everyone else's jurisdiction. To an effect, I still do.

As a more notable effect, looking at the document in which all of my hard work sat made me physically ill and enraged. I had also stopped writing completely because of how strongly I felt (and still feel) about this entire situation. Soon after the fact, I also essentially erased myself from the online space for a month because I didn't want anyone to question nor point out that I hadn't done it as I did not want to explain why and doing so would have me spiral out of control and simply delete my social media as I would not be able to live with it. I have only come back recently because I was sick of being socially isolated and alone. You would think that this would be the end of it, but there's one thing that for some reason sticks around.

I still want to write this story.

Yes, I know I essentially left them high and dry but this premise and what I had been working on captivated me to such a degree that I'm still thinking about it when my mind wanders on its own. But I still get sick thinking about my circumstances that I can't change nor budge and as such, I still can't stand looking at the document nor the outline. I desperately want to get to work on it again, but there's so much negative emotional attachment to it that I can't bring myself to do it because I wonder why I ever bothered with it in the first place if everyone and everything in my life keeps stopping me from doing it.

I've tried to write other things in the meantime, but they too are suppressed as I am constantly reminded of my failure and my circumstances that are not only unfair but ridiculous as this is the only outlet I really have and to see it limited to such a degree is sickening and still makes my blood boil.

I love writing things and I love exploring these things, but I don't even know how to do it when all of it is accompanied by rage, despair, inferiority, and pure unadulterated hatred directed at myself as well as others.

So I suppose that my question really is this:

How do I bring myself to write when my entire being hates me for even trying, knowing that I'll never finish what I start because something will stop me?

Oh friend, this is just some shit right here.

Ok so important disclaimer is that I am not a mental health professional. Anything I say is based on personal experience or accumulated knowledge from the internet.

Its important that you know, and really properly internalize, that you did not fail. In fact my first thing directly related to writing that I would advise you to do, when you start to feel this way, is to say 'I did not fail' to yourself. Sometimes things happen that can't control and they affect us in very serious ways that takes time to get over.

Certainly it sounds like what you were working on was important to you and the circumstances that interrupted it were very upsetting. There's no surprise that your story has becoming a focal point for those feelings. Untangling how they are connected is something that you can only do with time and trying.

If you have a safe place where you can externalize those feelings, either through talking to someone, keeping a journal or writing the events but fictionalized I would suggest those things. Sometimes just being able to put it all out there and know that its safe helps you move on from it.

As far as people on the internet questioning you about where you've been, I can't say that wouldn't have happened or that it won't happen in the future, but as a general rule good, decent people extend you grace. Everyone has a life outside of this anonymous mosh pit we call the internet and most people are capable of understanding that. You don't need to compound these feelings of failure with any additional shame from anonymous strangers. Would they have loved to read your story? Yes of course they would have. If you were to finish it they would still want to read it. But they aren't angry or upset with you.

As you try to write, remind yourself that you have not failed. Imagine yourself as a professional athlete who has suffered a serious knee injury. You had to take time away but you're back on your feet now and you're working towards getting back on the field. Every time you sit and try to write, remind yourself that you have no failed, that you are recovering and that you will get better. Writing will get easier.

Send me as many asks as you want, if they help, I'll do my best to answer them promptly.

Good luck anon and take care of yourself.

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