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shattered-catalyst · 5 years

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So this isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it.

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we’re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it.

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period. It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients. During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*. She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything.

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry, and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life.

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning.

I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are.

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’

#suicide tw #gaslighting tw #emotional abuse tw

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lunarmoonflowyr · 7 years

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hey i’m love my girlfriends and as i’m wont to do imma make big mushy posts for them because i’ve been feeling emotional lately <3

for @transwitchery, quite possibly the most precious human being i have ever had the pleasure of interacting with <3

i met Sammy about....uhhhhh....probably eight/nine months ago, cus she posted the CUTEST selfie and i was like

o shit

she cute

imma flirt

because that’s usually my default reaction when I see a cute girl, cus I’m a big ol gay.

she had on this rly cute dress?? and her hair was like, adorable, and she had like this really cute half-pout face on and i was like dawwwwwwwwwwww

it was cute.

I honestly don’t remember a WHOLE lot about our initial interactions because my memory is Grade S Awful, and the tumblr messenger won’t let me go back and look because it’s Very Functional, but I do remember that my nerve failed me and my actual flirting just fucking Failed

but I enjoyed talking to her!! she was nice!! and v sweet!! so i followed her!

i think she followed me back but then she unfollowed me at some point for some reason but anyway

we sorta talked on-and-off for a few months, nothing super consistent but we did talk, I considered her a friend. It was about when ah...let’s see, I want to sayyy...hmm...November? October, ish? when we started really consistently talking?

AND THAT IS WHEN THE FLIRTING STARTED

although it wasn’t PROPER flirting at first, it was just me being friendly and calling her cute and adorable and okay fine it was technically flirting i guess. But I didn’t really plan on DOING anything about it, at the time I was dating other people, she didn’t seem particularly interested (which I have now learned was just obliviousness)

but I mean, having a crush isn’t really new to me. At any given moment I think I have about half a dozen to a dozen different crushes of varying levels, so the fact that I had a crush on her never really...idk, affected how I talked to her? I just treated her like I would any friend, crush notwithstanding.

the crush started getting a lot more intense throughout december tho, and i was like fUCK WHAT DO

because like, the relationship I was in at the time, while technically poly, my partners at the time didn’t really want me to actually flirt with anyone else at the time. the relationship was getting REALLY strained around that time though, for various reasons, and Sammy sorta...well, became someone I felt much less stressed around.

so I think that definitely had an impact on the crush, because being around her was just WAY less stressful than the rest of my life. she was always really nice to me, and I vented to her once or twice about small things and she listened.

when my relationships officially ended all around the first week in January, I talked with her about it a little bit, but I mostly just talked to her more in general. being around her felt good, it was comfortable and safe and being around her just sorta made things a lot less shitty.

it was around this time that I realized that I...trusted Sammy, quite a bit. Which was a very weird feeling for me, because I’ve been through a lot in my life and most of it has added up to a distinct lack of ability to trust people. But I trusted her, she was someone that I would go to just...to talk, to be around, because she made me feel safe. I trusted her, and I felt good talking to her and being with her.

then I really started falling for her, and I amped up the flirting a little bit. She still didn’t really seem interested, but I wasn’t sure if she was disinterested or just didn’t realize that I was flirting. She was flirting with another girl at the time, and at some point she asked me for advice.

and I told her to just tell the girl how she felt instead of dancing around the issue.

...

shut up. I followed my own advice!! I mean, the advice was just as much me talking to myself as it was to her, tbh...ahaha...>//>”

so I confessed that I had one big fat crush on her and that I liked her and WHOO BOY LEMME TELL YOU

THE NEXT 24 HOURS WERE HELL ON MY ANXIETY

CUS SEE, SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING TO BED

AND MY NERVOUS, GAY ASS WAS STILL ON THE FENCE ABOUT FESSING UP

So after she went to bed I was like “fuck it, if I don’t do this now I’m never going to do it”

I gave her a good ten minutes to head to bed, and then I fessed up.

the next evening she responded, and gave a rather rambly and disjointed response, but the general gist of it was that she wasn’t interested. Which was fine! I honestly didn’t expect much to come of it, so I told her it was fine and I just focused on being her best friend~

I mean, that didn’t stop me from falling further and further in love with her. She was honestly adorable, and one thing that started really getting to me was how fucking gorgeous she is.

Like, I identify as grey-ace. I have hypersexuality and a REALLY high sex drive, but I don’t really experience sexual attraction. With a few exceptions. I can think of...fffour, off the top of my head, where I felt actual, real sexual attraction. Two ex-girlfriends, my current girlfriend Jasper, and...Sammy.

Actual, physical attraction. I mostly tell people I’m a lesbian cus, I like girls, girls are pretty, I have aesthetic, romantic, and sensual attraction to girls, but rarely physical, sexual attraction. So the fact that I was RIDICULOUSLY attracted to her, in all ways possible, just made the crush even worse.

I mean, I still flirted with her. Constantly. But I tried to constantly make sure that it was okay, that I wasn’t crossing any lines. She set up boundaries, she made it clear what would be too far, and I respected it.

Then about two weeks ago, something was...different~

The good kind of different.

She started reciprocating the flirting almost, and she started getting...almost forward. A little before then she had started initiating conversations, she was poking me if I took too long to respond, and being VERY chatty. And as someone with anxiety and autism and a boatload of other mental illnesses, traits me and her have in common, I know that when we do that, that means we REALLY LIKE whoever we’re doing it to.

At the end of that week, on Friday, she got...curious. I had mentioned a voice I could do, a seductive voice, that was my secret weapon for whenever I wanted to SERIOUSLY fluster someone or turn them on. And she doubted my abilities and wanted a demonstration.

As anyone who has heard me do that voice will know, that led to some...very interesting places, of which I will let her mention if she ever wants to~

But essentially, that night broke all the boundaries me and her had established previously.

We talked about that fact, and the next day, well...she asked me out, and of fucking course I said yes.

I was honestly over the fucking moon. And I’m so, so happy still. I was already pretty much in love with her, and this past week has only increased that feeling almost tenfold. I feel so, so incredibly safe around her, I feel happy and warm and good and talking with her is pretty much the highlight of my day.

I trust her and Jasper more than anyone, I can talk to her and I know she won’t judge me. She won’t expect me to do more than I’m capable of, she understands me and cares about me despite my (numerous) flaws.

I treasure her company greatly, I love her so so so much. She’s precious and adorable and wonderful and there are so many good things about her. She’s funny, she makes me laugh constantly, she’s absolutely ADORABLE and has the cutest mannerisms. The way she hides half of her face with her hair.

The way she’ll just stare at me for a good few minutes sometimes, making these cute little noises and giggles and then getting REALLY blushy when I ask her what she’s doing, (knowing full well what she’s doing)

The way she’ll randomly start lip-syncing to whatever song she’s listening to, promptly getting embarrassed about it.

The way she keeps constantly forgetting that I’m not actually there when we video call and she’ll move to reach over to touch me, and it’s ADORABLE.

And when she’s sleeping she looks so cute, she’s so peaceful and she’ll get this smile on her face sometimes and it’s so, so precious. She gets so flustered sometimes too, and she’s honestly BEAUTIFUL.

Like...oh my god. She’s so, so beautiful and so cute, I like, I blush when I THINK about her. Her hair is wonderful, her jawline murders me, she has SUCH PRETTY EYES, a really really cute voice, like aaaa, and her laugh cures my depression, and her smile is so bright and good and wonderful.

She makes me smile so much, she makes me feel so safe and important and warm and happy and good. And she’s so important to me, and so special, and I love her so sososososo much >////<

It’s honestly impossible to put into words how much she means to me. But I tried >///<

#moonspeak #the gay mess #mushy nonsense #don't reblog

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adhdvane · 3 years

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Anon back again, don't worry about delay in answer! I'm not expecting you to reply in a matter of seconds and I'm patient anyway! (●'◡'●) (and yeah, tumblr's notification system kinda suck so really, not your fault haha)

I understand your struggle with fics all too well lol I'm sure a time will come when it just clicks and you can write the good stuff ( •̀ ω •́ )✧ And no need to feel bad if you haven't posted a lot on ao3! You don't have to have 1000 fics or 200k word-long fics for your works to be enjoyable!! Even little ficlets and drabbles are good to have around ♥

It's good of you to have taken time for yourself if you needed it ♥ And yeah, completely understandable to hesitate and come back to fandom in general with the current state of things (a couple years ago I made an IE/Go sideblog and I'm still terrified that someone is going to come up and yell at me for shipping the characters lmao And that's without counting the Problematic™ fics I wrote when I was 16 lmao)

Regarding your tags, I'm just sitting there like starry-eyed because YES TenKyou. I'm DELIGHTED to know that's your preference because that's mine too for the ship asklhjkh

As for Todd and Prof Mirror, that's a tough and personal question, so good luck! (I'm thinking Todd topping's nice but does it make the prof kink better or not is the question!! ALSO in the french version, I know there's a line from Todd going like "Mirror was already being called Professor before he was a professor" so maybe he's not the only one with a prof kink, just from a different angle, hah)

(you say sorry for rambling, but joke's on you, I ramble too! Sorry for clustering your blog though woops Have a good day! (´･ω･`) )

rip, okay, once again i apologize about this one being even later, mostly bc i saw it early, but i haven't been able to sit down and respond to it. this week was the last week of the month so i actually had a lot to do at work and was able to go in every day (as opposed to 1 - 2 days bc business is still so slow). but at the end of the month i do invoicing for inventory charges for that month for each customer. though i was able to actually get a lot of it done sooner than usual (bc i actually started the process on tuesday instead of thursday), there were still three big ones i couldn't even do until thursday bc they had several orders in production that didn't get shipped until thursday. I was going to finally get to this ask on friday when i got home (we only work half days on friday and close at noon)… but the new gbf event had started… and uhg… a sho centric event. g od.

rest of the word vomit under the cut

before i just—IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT THIS GBF RAMBLING FEEL FREE TO SKIP BELOW TO THE END THE GBF OF RAMBLE—this event askjdsjkdfslkdjsdjg talk about giving the antag his redemption art event. the emotional growth in sho. so many new assets to save… there are fricking 6 different versions of his character labeled _painful (_painful, _painful2, etc.), and like so many zoom in's that basically every one of his images has an _up version (the battle ones ((the ones of him on his gearcycle)) also have a bunch of _up2 versions that are zoomed in between the default and _up close up) anyways these in particular kill me.

sho "i'm-not-going-to-cry-or-show-expresions-of-gratitude" awkwardly smiling and crying in this event (while also repeatedly getting the shit kicked out of him/getting hurt. having a moment of breaking down from exhaustion and pain, in the rain, before deciding he has to swallow his pride. every single english word that comes out of his mouth, cv: taniyama kishou is a gift (on a side note i can't believe he fucking played alpha in chronostone. like thats fucking hilarious a va and voicalist capable of such range and drama voicing alpha and his serious monotone ass). Sho (@tsubasa): You showed me the light before—[…] Tsubasa: Wait, what? Whaddya mean I showed you the light? ((you mean when he punched you in the fucking face at the end of the previous event of this series?))). I mean I already shipped bc of the their last event, how can you not ship the guy screaming he's going to kill the protag w/the protag esp after getting punched in the face by the protag at the end makes him calm down and be like fine i guess you win i'm not going to try to kill you know and our gangs don't have to fight. also they're both like 16 (or at least tsubasa is canon 16 (a yeas totally looks like a 16 year old) and sho is at least still in school and at least confirmed to be a minor (not age of majority, which idk what that is exactly in universe, could be 18, could be 20, bc it is fantasy, but it's also japanese, thoguh japan's age of majority is actually lowering from 20 to 18 next april (2022), drinking/smoking/gambling age will still be 20, and the comment in this event was about we're still minors save the smoking for when you're an adult). sho could arguably be 18 or 19 and still believably in school and be considered a minor legally (if in universe gbf follows japanese laws) considering the time he spent in juvie he could easily have been held back. gbf will probably just make him tsubasa's age if a canon age is release. but thinking about sho being 19 and tsubasa being 16 would make some ppl upset and that brings me joy. (also just how funny it could be thinking about (bc everyone is perpetually the same age) how later when sho a year older and legally being able to drink, and tsubasa not, and despite the fact sho being like i will break the laws about physically assaulting a guy but underage drinking, smoking, and drugs is a no-no is fucking hilarious. (the app is rated t so i guess there's only so much you can do…) (oh and one last note, a character in the event asking if sho enjoys the pain and is a masochist, to have other character be like dude you can't just ask someone that. sho saying no he doesn't enjoy the pain. only for later when they are escaping, a character noting "You look rather happy about all this. Now I'm sure youre a masochist." gbf first crushing my sho masochist headcanon and then building it back up in this event, thank u gbf). anways, rip that was a lot and not even everything, as you can see i have been… distracted by this event. apologies

—END OF GBF RAMBLE—

oh god worry about ppl like that in ina like, there really people out there who don't want you shipping ficitional children?????? and the main ina cast is roughly between 12-15. and got i started watching ina in 2013 when i was 19. which apparently for some people is like bad uwu because it's a show for young teenagers (like lol too bad i'm 27 and even though i haven't kept up with aries i still love ina and all the little babies and wont stop shipping). i didn't even know there was people out there who get UPSET AT AGING UP??? like wtf???? sorry i want them to be old enough to marry, adopt children, have a job, and also f.uck. the dpk au is my lifeblood (and has a lot of Problematic™ content that's never even been posted online anywhere bc it used to be an rp. my favorite is that out of all the relationships in the au, tenma and kyousuke's is probably the most unhealthy bc of kyousuke's mental health. some very bad things happened to fei (per request of my rp partner) (part of vanfeny and garsha's revenge on saru as they were sent to megun while saru walks around ''free'' (what exactly is free is a whole other lore mess in itself that i wrote up about post chrono stone future). and that just lead to more bad things fei then did to himself. problematic™ content 9492347 in the dpk au, shipping ozrock and lalaya. (even worse, bc of lore planning i did for the au and decided how their species worked, lalaya is about 6.5 cycles (faram obius years) or roughly 130 earth years and biologically similar to 13 year earth years, and ozrock is about 48 Ixal years roughly 48 earth years and biologically similar to 24 earth years. so like even a worse ship. i mean just ignore cultural norms would be different on an alien planet and also she's royalty and has an obligation to be wed even younger and is probably socially more mature than a human 13 year old. rip sorry i just like alien stuff. a lot of this was also because wouldn't it be great for lalaya to have a really long lifespan so the human friends she makes get older faster and also die way before her :) ina's gunna hurt me with the bug aliens then i'm going to… continue to hurt myself with more alien life span stuff.)

Anyways, With TenKyou, idk I think it's easy to paint tenma as the innocent ~pure baby~ and kyousuke as ~bad boy~ bc of the first inago… and seed kyousuke was a little bastard man (affectionate). which would idk explain the default to kyouten. but like kyousuke chills the hell out in chrono stone and galaxy. and just bc tenma is a dumbass with a heart of gold obsessed with soccer doesn't necessarily mean he's has to be ~innocent baby 受け~ trope. (not that these are the only tropes that decide) (maybe it's bc i sort of like messing with what it must be like to be the main protagonists best friend and watch him continue to overcome everything and be in the spot light and how everyone praises him. kyousuke with self-esteem issues, looking back at all the problems he's caused, tenma has flaws but they're either negligible or something to love about him and mine have only hurt others. disregarding his own goddamn plot armor in the past. complex, emotional, suffering kyousuke is how i like my kyousuke. need we even get into how god eden was canonically revealed to be physically/mentally abusing seeds and that whole can of worms) (also just "nervous baby i don't know how to approach tenma" kyousuke, "cheeky little shit doesn't have any regards to personal space and boundries" tenma) at least if anyone starts giving me shit about an ina ship or problematic fictional ina content, i can always respond with something i drew back in 2015.

back to the matter of new snap though… that line is so familiar (im pretty sure it's in the eng txt, i have it set to jpn audio tho). i recently started keeping a log of the messages that pop up on the camp, lab, and map screens (but haven't saved too many bc i get distracted or at least i know i'm missing quite a few i have vague memories of). (also idk why my first thought to that line was mirror responding with "That was because you were the one calling me that.") there actually were a couple messages i saved initially that would be useful for fic writing:

Todd: "The professor used to be kinda reckless back in the day. I suppose after 10 year he must've calmed down a bit."

and

Mirror: "Todd's calmed down since I last saw him. Or maybe he's just acting mature because you kids are around…"

possible implications from these that I'm deciding to consider for headcanons:

both reckless and wild in their early 20's but that's not unusual, so they were acting like reckless young adults when they were 20. makes sense.

because mirror mentions the last time i saw him (which is definitely implied not 10 years ago since todd had a research team pin so obviously he's been around a bit since the lab was established) meaning todd is potentially still a chaotic bastard but is just trying to act like an adult in front of the kids. beautiful.

and on that note another wonderful Tood message:

Todd: "I never invited Phil to be my pupil—he just declared himself my "number one student" and started tagging along! But honestly…I was kind of flattered."

the possibility that when todd showed up in game, after that cutscene he went to talk to mirror like "this 10 year old just started following me and wont go away, pls help. what do i do?????"

this unsupervised 10 year old just followed a ~30 year old man into the wilderness and somehow just declares todd is mentor (and took the research team pin from todd to ''borrow''). this is a hostage situation. todd is the hostage.

the idea that perhaps todd just got back from a long expedition and was glad to be back and spend time with mirror, except this kid started following him around and wont leave him alone or go away, and then when he got to the lab there were two more kids there. how the fuck am i supposed to get it on with mirror when we have little alone time and when we finally do we're constantly at risk of being interrupted and/or walked-in on. (that last part was mainly the premise of the fic i wanted to write. "these kids are a handful how are we supposed to have intimate time. especially bc they're all so young and have child energy levels and when they go to bed i am already fucking exhausted." i'm thinking it might work better as like a drabble collection, that way i don't have to adhere to a plot line and can pick and choose scenarios to write because i keep winding up with more scenario ideas that i can nearly piece together into a coherent timeline anymore.)

(also a bit that rita becomes suspicious that they are 100% fu.cking even though all that happened was mirror wasn't asleep up in his bed above the lab and fell asleep in one of the bungalows w/todd and then tried to cover it up like haha what no, i was checking on todd he's not feeling well uh… what? where are my pants? oh. oh i can't believe i just totally got out of bed and left the lab without my pants haha.) (todd and mirror just trying to keep their relationship a secrete out of fear of rumors spreading and it affecting the lab's funding, even though rumors definitely started ages ago but neither of them realize). (also todd doesn't trust phil to keep his mouth shut and doesn't like the optics of the random 10 year old who started following him (UNSUPERVISED) just blabbing to his parents about how his cool mentor is dating the professor at the lab like yikes that could end badly worst case scenario.)

(i like the idea of mirror playing along with todd's ki.nk, albeit a little awkward sometimes (not very good at being intentionally 'sexy' about it, but that's not what todd wants anyways bc it's already inherenty sexy for him). Phill has a message "I barely get half the stuff the professor talks about. Do you?" and i can only image if he said that to todd

todd: （人*´∀｀）i know it's hot

phil: what)

anyways i hope you don't mind me rambling even more on your asks like this. last time i totally just cut chunks out to be smaller but this time… i'm going to leave things in rip.

#ask #anon #thank you or bearing with me #i haven't been on tumblr the whole week oops #sammy be quiet #i have been thinking about them a lot though #alSO RIP I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT TENKYOU A LOTT TO BECAUSE OF YOU #listening to ina music on the way to work every day this week #but also now i've just entered tsubasa/sho hell because of the new gbf event #their previous event was in 2018 so it's been some time #i didn't except sho to ever get content again #and now i know he's gunna get a gacha release when the banner changes to gala #and i want him so bad #if i don't get him.......... i would be willing to later sup ticket his ass though it'll be a while til he'd be ticketable rip #cw kink mention ///////#the dpk au means a lot to me even now #also speaking of ina shipping my first ina ship tsunatachi and god there was a really good doujin artist on pixiv oh boy #some people on here would lose their shit over like so much of pixiv's content #idk man #i apologize if some stuff doesn't make sense bc brain just vomits out words and thinks everything is in the correct order

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blatantlyprocrastinating · 4 years

Text

My First (and hopefully last) soapbox post

Disclaimer: this is a rant, if you aren’t into that sort of thing then by all means, pass this by and enjoy other folks’ posts. Normally, I wouldn't add to the vast number of these already drifting around the web as I usually just shout these things over a nearby cliff when I’m in the mood. Tonight however, my neighbors are home and they, unlike all of you, cannot simply scroll past my shouting. Before you read this I would also like it to be known that just because I’m ranting does not mean I don’t think i’m fortunate or that I’m not thankful for what I have or what people have done for me. On the contrary, much of what I’ll be ranting about makes me relieved that I don’t have more serious problems to deal with like starvation or having to provide for a family. On occasion I just get fed up and need to vent a bit, even if it means setting my opinions adrift into the vast uncaring sea of memes, misinformation, porn, and cat videos that is the internet. Lastly, I’m going to apologize in advance for the atrocious grammar your about to see, I’m tired, a bit out of practice with my writing, and honestly, wont be bothered to go through this whole damn thing when i’m done to make sure all the I’s are dotted and all the T’s are crossed. I also get a bit wordy with my writing when I’m angry, just to warn you. So without further adue, I’ll begin:

I am, like many others I suppose, frustrated and frankly a little pissed off with my current state of affairs. Though this frustration has been brought to new heights by the recent onset of the corona virus, it has its source awhile back. From about the age of eleven, I’ve had a kind of foggy, but constant, Idea of what I wanted out of life: a small house far enough out in the country that I wont have to see my neighbors on any given day if I want to but close enough to civilization that I would have to go on a quest every time I needed milk and eggs. this house would preferably back up onto a stream or creek and have a garage for me to work in. I also always wanted to have a job that would allow me to study history, help people in some way, and would either allow or require me to travel a bit. Finally, if I got over my shyness and was fortunate enough, I hoped I’d find a partner to share all of that with, unlikely as it is that I could find someone patient or crazy enough to put up with me (no kids though, I doubt I’d make much of a father). When I was younger, and more naive, I would mention some or all of these things to people I looked up to, like my father, my teacher or my uncles. Though their responses varied a little, they all carried the same basic advice: work hard, be honest, do well in school/college and with the exception of love, you can have what you’ve dreamed of.

So, I followed their advice: I got through grade school with flying colors though my reading disability made it a bit difficult, got through college with a 3.6 G.P.A, presented a senior thesis to the history department, and worked whenever and however I was needed on family’s various home repair, boat repair, and farm duties, all the while holding out for the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. Towards the end of my senior year I began to look for work for history majors but, like so many other ill-prepared liberal arts majors before me, couldn't find a job that didn’t require prior experience. graduation came and went, I kept looking and found nothing. my friend-group split up and went our separate ways, I kept looking and found nothing. The first of many student loan payments started showing up in the mail, I kept looking and, well, at this point I’ll wager you know where this is going.

Now, I live at home and work in a wholesale department of a greenhouse. my days usually consist of loading and unloading trucks, working on a planting line (think assembly line but for flowers) and packaging thousands of plants for shipping. its hard work, but the wage is decent for the job (12$per hour) and my coworkers are nice, most of them are recent immigrants from El Salvador so my practical Spanish has improved alot over the last year and a half. And to top it of most of the time my foreman doesn't usually mind if I’m five or ten minutes late to work.

However, sometimes, when I’ve been on the planting line for so long that my vision blurs a little and my shoulders ache from being in the same position for too long, or when one of my coworkers tells the same joke about testicles for the fourteenth time that day when it was only a little funny the first time, I cant help but ask myself: I can do better than this, can’t I? This isn't to say that I think that I’m better than the people I work with, many of them have endured hardships and supported their families despite the odds in a way that I think, demands anyone’s respect. But often I look at where I am in life and think: did I really just spend all that time and effort and take out all those loans just to end up in a worse position than where I started? Did all those people who advised me in the past lie to me, or were they just misinformed? Is there really any way I can still achieve that dream of mine or should I just accept that with the way things are in America right now, I probably wont find a history job or own land, and perhaps I should just come to terms with that.

For a little while, I stubbornly resisted accepting this. I looked for volunteer opportunities figuring that I could work part time and that maybe volunteering would eventually lead to a job. I also kept looking for a different job, if not history, then perhaps something that would require me to do research or write reports. Hell, anything that let me use more of my head than just my brain stem would have been a welcome sight. but now, with this whole covid-19 thing, alot of people have been telling me that I “should be grateful to still have any job” and while I can see where they’re coming from, I also cant help but despair and be a bit angry, not at them you understand, but at the general state of things: Is it reasonable that after all I’ve done that I should not just settle for the life I have now, but be grateful to stay in it? am I being ungrateful? perhaps I’m just not looking at this from the right angle? I bare my situation to your judgement good people of the internet, wise or foolish as it may be.

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