#but like she made it a whole Thing and i get even saying ''i'm neurodivergent'' out loud is big for her and that's great

[seawitchkaraoke]

No but sometimes I am so tired of playing therapist/neurotypicals translator for my neurodivergent friend like. It's exhausting, to have to be the one to explain why your friend got upset when you just signed her up for the same study group as yourself without asking her first or letting her sign up for what group she wanted herself.

Like. I am good at patiently explaining these things, which is why she always asks me about these things but it's exhausting. But also therapy isn't very accessible and she doesn't have anyone else who really gets her problems understanding stuff to the same level I do so....

Then another friend who doesn't do this on this level but who does go on about how great it is that we can kinda laugh about neurodivergent problems together and such and how amazing it is and how she never really talked about these things with anyone else, which I agree it's great to have someone to talk about it but? The way she phrases it, puts a lot of pressure on me and makes it kinda weird? Like it's this great secret we're sharing? Especially since we haven't known each other all that long?

And like. Idk. I get it, I get to you it's amazing to have someone to talk about this to, someone who gets some of your struggles, someone who talks very openly and happily about being neurodivergent but. Man. I'm great but I'm not an expert in all things neurodivergent. I'm not?? Idk I'm not "special" for having adhd or for talking openly about it, I'm just some perfect life coach, I don't have my own life together, all I've got going for me is that I know what my problems are and that I'm not super afraid to talk about them

Idk. It's just exhausting. Like.... These two in particular just have vibes of kinda putting me on a pedestal (though in different ways) and that just makes me uncomfortable but also idk how to set boundaries there bc "stop telling me that I'm awesome" is. Hmm. It's not like that's what they do. They just imply it. They imply that things I do or say that really aren't anything special are somehow amazing and like??? Idk man I'm just me? Compliment me for the things I do that are actually awesome, not like... For agreeing to do a fun thing with you? I don't do it out of?? Pity? Or whatever? I want to do the fun thing?

#idk it's weird #the second one especially bc like... the first one I've figured out how to set boundaries mostly #she exhausts me sometimes but it's ok #but the second one? it's so weird like? idk she makes me uncomfortable sometimes #like we originally started meeting up to study and obviously ended up chatting quite a bit during that too #and she sends me like. several paragraphs long messages shortly after our meetups end several times? #that almost read like she's reviewing our conversation? it just. i don't like it #like... idk. it makes me uncomfy when ppl who don't know me that well go on about how good it was to talk to me about x or y #or how they usually don't have such great convos or whatever #like.... it feels... like they are very quickly creating an idea of who i am and what i am like in their head #and even if that idea of me is very positive it's still not accurate and it puts a lot of pressure on me to then... be that person i guess? #idk idk #and now this whole neurodivergent thing... like she basically said ''ive never told anyone this'' and i said well you don't have to #tell me your exact diagnosis or anything it's fine #and she didn't and I'm glad bc that would put even more pressure on me #but like she made it a whole Thing and i get even saying ''i'm neurodivergent'' out loud is big for her and that's great #but again. why me. we've known each other for like 3 months. please slow down there #yes I'm awesome but you're projecting ways in which i am awesome that are not real #and you don't even know about some of the ways i am indeed awesome #idk i really don't. we'll see. #trouble is i do like her and i do wanna be friends but man stop assigning me as your best friend forever please you'll get disappointed #this post went far away from it's original point and is now about so many different things #it's fine #rant #personal

[lgbtlunaverse]

This page from the adventurer's bible makes me want to cry

Like basically any neurodivergent dungeon meshi fan, I see a lot of myself in the Touden siblings. But I was blindsided by just how much I suddenly related to Falin in this little comic from the adventure bible's complete version.

It's about the Touden siblings' differing relationships with their parents, and why Laios still holds their treatment of Falin against them, while Falin herself doesn't.

We know that Falin was isolated and ostraziced by their village after she saved Laios from a ghost, displaying her uncanny affinity for magic. Her parents, instead of defending her, sent her away, which angered Laios so much he ran way himself before Falin even left for magic school, hoping to make a living so he and Falin could live together alone.

He tells Marcile this, but when she goes to Falin, she says she sees things differently. Her father sent her to magic school to protect her form the rest of the village without having to cause a conflict. He didn't explain that, and we actually see her burst into tears when he says it.

But, well... Laios was gone for a year before Falin went to magic school, and everyone else in the village avoided her. The understanding Falin has with her parents to me looks like one borne out of necessity, she literally didn't have anyone else to talk to.

And this is where we get to the page that made me want to cry

Like I said, I relate to the Toudens because I'm neurodivergent myself. that feeling of suddenly realizing you're disliked, but not knowing what you did wrong or what you should have done instead? Yeah... that's one I recognize.

When I was around 9 years old, the same age Falin is in this comic, a bunch of kids in my class decided to make a "game" where you lost if you touched me. It was basically the 'cheese-touch' from diary of a wimpy kid, except I always had it and couldn't pass it along. They'd pretend I was poisonous or disgusting and run away from me screaming or gagging. The point was to make fun of me. But my autistic little 9 year old ass thought "Oh I get it! It's tag but I'm always it!" So I... played along. Running at a boy and having him fall on the ground screaming in fake pain because you tapped him is, in isolation, pretty funny.

It wasn't until months into the "game" that I realized it was meant to be meanspirited. That the reason I was the one who was always 'it' wasn't an arbritrary rule but the whole point. Because I was weird and gross. I wasn't in on the joke, I was the punchline.

Falin may have come to understand her parents' intentions, but she didn't always. The adventure bible actually tells us that she at first didn't even notice that the rest of their village disliked her. She clearly knows now, but she had to be told. So when her mom tried to exorcise her, she just saw it as an activity she got to do with a mother she usually didn't get to spend much time with because of her poor health. It's only Laios who notices something is wrong.

(Sidenote, Laios being hyper-aware of people's poor attitudes towards Falin but completely blindsided when he's in the same spot, like with Toshiro, is also very relatable as an eldest sibling)

It probably also took Falin months, until after her brother had left and she had no one but her parents, to realize why her mother had been doing all those things.

And I know they're not the same. Even misguidedly, Falin's mom was trying to help her, not make fun of her like those boys in my class. (Though, as a queer person who also cares a lot about the queercoding in Falin's storyline, a parent trying to 'exorcise' their child of a fundamental part of them the parent thinks is evil or corruptive? yeah... that's not perfectly wholesome)

But do you know what I did, when I finally figured out the game was always meant to make fun of me?

To me, it looked like I had a choice.

See, those boys eventually figured out I didn't understand that they were being mean to me. I'd laugh every time I managed to catch one of them, I was visibly having fun. And while it no doubt only made me more of a weirdo in their eyes, they never informed me that I shouldn't be enjoying myself. That the point was for me to feel hurt.

So now that I did know, I had a choice. I could either get upset, and let the insult land as it was supposed to. That wouldn't stop them, because making fun of me was the original goal. Or I could ignore it and go on as usual. They had already accepted that I didn't get it, and they weren't gona stop me from having fun, so why should I?

And the thing is that I had... one friend, in that whole class. One person who actually liked talking to me and hanging out with me. I was lonely. And the 'game' provided me with another social interaction, mean-spirited as it was, that I desperately needed. And it was so delightfully simple. Navigating actual friendships as a kid with autism and adhd was so fucking complicated, and I'd never know when I might break an inivisble rule. But I knew the rules to the game perfectly!

Sometimes, if I was chasing one of them, the others would trap him and hold him down so I could tap him. In those moments it actually did kind of feel like I was playing with them, rather than against them. And it didn't change much, they didnt start actually liking me. But they were willing to roll with the fact that I wasn't upset, and I took advantage of that because I needed to.

So you can look at Falin seeing the best in her parents as her being naïve, but I look at this page and I see myself, at first unable to differentiate between playing and being made fun of. And then later, when I did see the difference, deciding not to get mad about it because that'd mean losing that social interaction, and I couldn't afford to.

Like I said, Falin probably first realized this in the year she spent with her brother gone, and everyone else avoiding her like the plague. If she refused to talk to her parents, like Laios did, she'd have no one left.

I see a lot of people relating to the fight between Laios and Toshiro. that frustration when you realize someone you thougth was your friend actually hates you, and they never said anything, never gave you a chance to fix it because you had no idea that you were even doing something wrong! And I can see that, too. But sometimes, when people don't fully hate you, it feels better to go along with the pretending. Because adressing it won't fix it. Because the problem isn't a specific behaviour, it's you. And if they're willing to tolerate you, despite the fact that it's you, then you'll take it. Because other people do hate you, so this is the best you'll get.

#dungeon meshi #dungeon meshi meta #falin touden #laios touden #neurodivegent #autism #adhd #long post #this one got REAL personal oops

[deadnametrading]

I've been reading people's interpretations of this scene, and while I agree with the substance of the take that "Laios is quite isolated and his party often don't understand him", it's not the reading I get from this scene in either the manga or the anime.

So let's review the board, spoilers for episode 18 of the anime, obviously

Senshi's Laios: very cute, a reflection of his standards of masculinity. Possibly influenced by him being older, by Dwarven ageing, and the fact Laios is clean shaven. He projects similar notions on Chilchuck, and other biases onto Marcille. I feel this can mostly be chalked up to how brief his time with the party currently has been (1-2 weeks).

Chilchuck's Laios: Dangerous, unreasonable, unhinged, and coloured by his long time experience of Laios.

At this point in the story Chil's perception of Laios has changed rapidly due to both the reveal of his monster obsession (back in episode 1, previously suppressed) and the confrontation with Shuro, among other things. As seen in episode 13, he think's Laios is going to suicidally chase Falin to his death. He also thinks his monster obsession is a sign of a disturbed mind (not a suprise given his own experiences of the dungeon).

Marcille's Laios: Quite the opposite of Senshi, Laios' masculinity is exaggerated, which does reflect her Elf beauty standards (male and female Elves are often similarly feminine ).

Specifically for Marcille, she was told Laios looked a lot like Falin, and before meeting him, her opinion of him was really low (see the Falin makeup extras and her retelling the story of being alone after Laios left home, to Marcille).

Now, I've hated people in my lifetime, there's an inclination to be more critical of them than you would other people. Marcille didn't like the comparisons between the two siblings, and so fixated on their differences.

For review, here is there first meeting:

Marcille came for a fight, clearly her letters didn't tell Falin the whole story. She HATED Laios in this scene. Everything in the three years after was clawing back from this mess.

Look at Laios, not a button a stubble, and neither person got any short or taller in the intervening years. When she gets irate over people saying Falin and Laios look similar, it's because of that mental image broadcasted by the Shapeshifter. That's how she sees him in her mind, the man who took Falin away from her, who made Falin unhappy, and who others have the gall to compare to her dearest friend Falin.

Conclusion: Laios and Falin, their emotional and social alienation, and how they each influence others like Marcille and Kabru; these things are central to the story, and to Laios as a protagonist. The last thing I want it people thinking I'm dismissing that.

But at this point in the story, focusing on that narrative, it's proverbially putting the cart in front of the horse. Structurally, this encounter is a review of party stability moving forward. The previous battle with Chimera Falin put everyone on edge, made them uncertain of their future, and distrustful of Laios.

Laios came out of his fight with Shuro (Toshiro) appearing unobservant to people's appearances and feelings. Marcille and Chilchuck recognise Kabru and Laios didn't. They're suspicious of his abilities. Laios, in turn, knows he has the chance to win them back, knows he fucked up with Shuro (Toshiro) and ruined their friendship.

This encounter is about Laios' shortcomings, reflective of his neurodivergence, the doubts of his party, and how Laios uses his strengths to compensate, and even solve problems his party members can't. Ultimately, this chapter is saying, Laios is different, but he is not lesser, and in a battle against monsters he excels.

The others can point out differences in clothing and speech easily, but those were the tools the shape shifter easily used against them. Laios succeeds precisely because he's focusing on the things others don't pick up on.

#dungeon meshi #dungeon meshi spoilers #dungeon meshi ep 18 #laios touden #long post

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for making a scene in front of guests?

I (15) have a lot of sensory issues relating to touch, and am most likely some form of neurodivergent. Since I was little, I was always against letting people hug me. This was cute when i was younger, though the older I've gotten, the more annoyed my parents have started to get whenever I would refuse to hug them, a sibling, or a relative.

Starting sometime last year, my mom would randomly start hugging me throughout the day, and if I fought against it she would get mad. (She would never yell, or hit me, or anything- just snap at me and say something about how I 'couldn't go my whole life without touching anyone'). And honestly, it does feel kind of stupid to get so upset over someone hugging me. Its not like its anything sexual, its just a hug.

I think the tipping point was a few months ago, when we were cooking together and I asked to try some of the sauce she had made to see if it was spiced correctly. I was expecting her to hand me a spoon or something, but instead she dipped her finger in it and stuck it in my mouth. I got really upset about it but she said I was overreacting, but eventually she agreed to ask before hugging me.

This has lead to a thing where she'll randomly throughout the day ask while going in for a hug, and I have to say no quick enough before she hugs me. and if I do say no, she tries for a bit to pressure me into letting her hug me. once again, this feels stupid to write out seeing its. just a hug. though even still it's been getting on my nerves, which led to a few weeks ago when we had a guest over and when she left, she asked if I was okay with hugs. I said no, but my mom told her to do it anyway, because we were 'working on it'. I snapped at her and said we weren't, and to stop saying that, and she was obviously a bit upset I said this in front of our guests but she didn't say anything about it.

Once again I feel like i'm being a bit petty about it, and that my parents might be right about me making too big of a deal out of all of it. And I feel a bit bad for talking back to my mom while we had people over. AITA?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[the-guilty-writer]

No Matter What

Request (from anon): hiii if its not too much trouble could you do Reid x daughter reader where she had BPD and she has a anger breakdown??

Spencer Reid x daughter!reader

Summary: Spencer helps his daughter with BPD through an anger breakdown.

A/N: Huge thank you to @huffufflejoy for beta/sensitivity reading and advising me on this work. Your help is greatly appreciated! Now for my usual disclaimer before my pieces that heavily involve any neurodivergent topic: I try my best to potray mental illness in the most accurate yet sensitive way possible. Please let me know if you have concerns or issues with my work. It's important to note that everyone experiences mental illness in different ways and this may not be indicative of the experience of everyone with BPD.

CW: Reader has BPD, anger breakdown, talks of schizophrenia, self-loathing, small amount of physical violence, reader is shorter than Spencer

---

Spencer had learned long before you were born that understanding from knowledge and understanding from experiencing were two different things.

No matter how much he had read about schizophrenia, he could never truly understand what his mom was experiencing. No matter how much he'd read about being a dad, it did not prepare him for actually being one. And no matter how many people he talked to, articles he read, or data he went through, he would never truly understand what it was like for you to live with BPD.

At first, his research led him to believe that he might be able to understand some of the experience. After his dad leaving him at such a young age, Elle's resignation, Gideon leaving with nothing but a letter to say goodbye, and Emily's fake death, Spencer always had an underlying concern that the people in his life were going to leave.

But to him it was just that- an underlying concern. Like how he prefered paper over computers, but wasn't paranoid about it like his mother had been during an episode in which she threw the TV out of the house. Or how he might tell someone "My daughter is my whole world", but if he didn't hear from you for a day his whole world didn't seem to fall apart.

Nothing about your experience would ever be comparable to his. All he could do was try to understand.

Spencer had just woken up when he heard the shattering. He got out of bed, trying not to get his limbs tangled in the sheets, but still moving faster than he usually did at 7 AM. When he threw his bedroom door open, he took in the sight before him. His genius brain tryed it's best to calculate what move to make next.

You were standing in the small kitchen, surrounded by pieces of porcelain. White knuckles were threaded through your hair, threatening to pull the strands out by the root. A look of distress was plastered on your face as your chest heaved. Spencer only hoped that he'd gotten here before the anger turned into a blackout.

"(Y/N), Sweetie," Spencer cooed. He walked toward you, careful to avoid the broken bowl. "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay!" Your voice was shrill in your exasperatedly irritable state. "I- I dropped the bowl and it broke, and now I can't make cupcakes for Henry, and I broke the bowl- I'm so sorry-"

Spencer tried to change the subject in an effort to calm you. "You were going to hang out with Henry today?"

"No, of course no. Why else would I be trying to make him cupcakes?" You snarled at your dad with degrading sarcasm. "All my other friends hate me and now he probably will now too and- and the bowl!"

It wasn't an unusual thing for you to say. Keeping surface-level friendships alive could be difficult with BPD. People didn't understand where the swing of emotions came from, and how you couldn't control the things you said when the mental bomb went off. They didn't understand why you would share a hobby with them, and then a week later, drop it completely. Even when you explained BPD, used your coping skills, and tried your hardest, it was difficult just to exist in society.

Henry made it easier. The two of you had been friends since you were small children. He took his time to understand you. He could calm your nerves, help you cope, give you reassurance, set healthy boundaries.

Still, your dad was you favorite person; your safe place. Spencer made you feel secure in a way that no one else could. It didn't matter how high you flew or how hard you fell, he was the constant presence in your life that you needed. That's why the underlying fear of losing him could make you spiral.

"It's broken! It's broken and I'm broken!" The sarcasm slipped away behind your anger.

"You're not broken," Spencer cooed.

"Yes I am!" You screamed at him. Tears of fury streamed down your face. The look in your eyes was enough to tell your dad that you were close to a breakdown, and he couldn't help but look nervously at the shards still littered on the ground.

Spencer took a risk, walking forward. He got to you in three carefully calculated strides.

"Come here," he whispered, though you were only inches apart and his arms were almost all the way around you.

"No, no-" you muttered. Your eyes were shut tight, arms pulled to your chest as if they were a shield over your heart.

Spencer wrapped you in a hug against your wishes, only pulling you tigher when your fists came towards his chest. Your muttering and sobbing and squirming continued as he held you as tightly as he could.

"I love you."

"I'm telling the truth."

"I'm not leaving you."

"You're worthy."

"I will always be here."

Spencer didn't know if the words actually helped, but he liked to think they did. As the pendulum of emotion began to fall and you stopped fighting in his arms, the only sound in the kitchen became the mantras he whispered and your heavy breathing.

"I-I'm sorry, dad," your words were barely desipherable between dry sobs. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I didn't mean- I'm so sorry. Please-"

"It's okay." Spencer kept his voice calm, soothing, reassuring. "It's only a bowl."

"I broke it and I got so-" you choked out the words as if saying them was physically painful.

Spencer had to remind himself that it was. Just like the way a panic attack could make someone's heart race or their palms sweat, the humiliation of being unable to control your emotions made your throat close. He wished it didn't.

"It's all my fault- I'm sorry."

Spencer looked down at your puffy face. Your lip trembled with anxiety. Salt stained cheeks rested in his palms. In the glassy look of your eyes he could see his own reflection, his own expression. It matched exactly how he felt; concern for you that came from pure love. He only wished you'd see that there was nothing in this world that could make him leave you willfully. There was nothing in this world that could take that love.

"I promise it's okay," he kept his voice quiet. "Can we clean it up together?"

You nodded.

"I'll be here so you're safe," he reassured you. But it was also for himself.

You nodded again.

"Okay." He gently let go of your face. "Let's clean up."

Together, the two of you carefully swept up the pieces of procelain. It took no more than two minutes to do, but Spencer couldn't help but spew a few interesting facts. They made you feel better, more relaxed.

"In Japan they use a technique called kintsugi to repair pottery," he explained. "Craftsmen take the broken bits and mend them together with gold."

The both of you rose to your feet, you with a broom and Spencer with the dustpan. "It actually makes the object stronger and more beautiful." He disposed of the broken bowl in the trash.

"Is this your way of telling me that every time I break I get stronger and more beuatiful?" you asked. It wasn't snarky or sarcastic- it was exhausted. "Because I don't feel that way."

Your dad took the broom from you, putting it back in the small storage closet. "Not quite," he said, then turned. "Because a lot of people believe the practice rose from the philosophy of wabi-sabi, which encourages people to look for and appreciate imperfection."

You blinked at him. "I'm confused."

He wrapped you in a hug. "It's my way of telling you that I'm not going anywhere. It doesn't matter to me how strong you are or how beautiful you are- how perfect or imperfect. I'm always going to be here, and I'm always going to love you, no matter what."

#criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x daughter!reader #spencer reid x child!reader #spencer reid x y/n #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds x y/n #criminal minds x teen!reader #criminal minds x daughter!reader #criminal minds x child!reader

[quasi-normalcy]

Surprising Things I Learned From Rewatching All of Star Trek (as of mid 2022)

The first season of the original series is good. Like really, really, good. You can definitely see why it caught on.

"Spock's Brain" isn't actually all that bad. Like, for all it's infamy, I wouldn't even put it in the bottom 5 episodes of TOS. Maybe not even the bottom 10.

The Motion Picture is an amazing movie if you watch it like a symphony with incredible visuals, rather than an action movie.

The weird utopianism of TNG season 1 is actually really appealing now

Wesley was just as bad as I remembered

I actually like Worf. Quite a bit, actually.

Kinda wish that Deep Space Nine had kept a major focus on Bajoran politics. Like, the Dominion War stuff is good, but the political arc in the first few seasons is actually really fascinating.

Voyager has lots of absolute banger episodes, and they're good enough to forgive the overall lack of continuity

Seven of Nine's arc has uncomfortable overtones of reparation therapy when you know that she's queer (and even when you don't, it's basically seems like learning how to mask neurodivergence)

Tuvok is actually a brilliant detective. I didn't notice before.

Enterprise is...well, I'm not going to say "good", but I get what it was going for now. And the Xindi arc is way less jingoistic when considered as a whole than I remember it being.

(The fourth season isn't as good as I remember, just because the constant continuity references have gone from being an exciting novelty to being freaking everywhere)

The 2009 movie really doesn't have a lot going for it, in retrospect. The cast are good, though.

Into Darkness...was even worse than I remembered. Like I'd forgotten just how unlikable it made Captain Kirk. That said, the "anti-militarism" messaging felt somewhat less "tacked-on to the last five minutes of screentime" than I recalled

Even though I don't think it ended well, the first season of Discovery is actually a lot better than I remembered when I already knew where it was going.

The second season of Discovery fares much worse, though. Strange, because I'd thought it an improvement over the first when it was airing.

I'd been disappointed by how the first season of Picard had wrapped up it's plot threads, but on a rewatch, I actually thought it was close to being a masterpiece

The first season of Lower Decks is kind of lacklustre compared to all of the subsequent ones.

#star trek #the original series #the next generation #deep space nine #voyager #enterprise #discovery #picard #lower decks

[asherisawkward]

I found Luz not caring about the demon realms history annoying. I get it. Some of it was made up, but most of it wasn't, just why the crusade was started. It seems a lot of the history she got was through word of mouth.

You figure a fan of fantasy would be excited to learn the history and culture of a magical realm, not just magic. I'm surprise a lot more demons and witches didn't get fed up with her. The only thing who seemed to have anything against it was Hunter, but I could be remembering it all wrong. Sorry if this comes off as a rant.

I absolutely get what you mean!! Luz, from what I remember of TOH, spent a lot of time trying to fit the Boiling Isles into her opinion of what a fantasy world should be. She doesn’t really listen to the laws or the cultural norms. I suppose that it makes sense to ignore the laws to a certain extent, considering they’re made by a witch hunter pretending to be a benevolent ruler, but she doesn’t even try to think about things critically. Especially in this day and age, you are supposed to research and analyze before you draw a conclusion, not just take the word of some criminal who doesn’t even off you any proof. I love Eda. She’s badass and creative, and I adore how she grows to care about others through the series. But she is a biased character to introduce a world through, and Luz doesn’t even question it. She hears Eda’s “oh, he just wants to control magic” and runs with it.

The biggest example of her complete dismissal of the Boiling Isles culture, laws, and norms would be when she continued to push to be in all classes. Not only does she lack the necessary knowledge to cast precise spells, but she is asking the principal, the teachers, and all the students to risk themselves for her fantasy. This isn’t some petty pickpocketing that she’s asking a few people to ignore. She asks to be allowed to violate one of the most important laws in the whole country—it has the death penalty, for fuck’s sake! Principal Bump could have been executed for allowing this; the teachers could have gone to prison! And the students who don’t turn her in, while unlikely to suffer so severely, are likely to be punished as well! How many people could have been hurt or killed by her thoughtless violation of the laws if Belos had been shown to be a bit more how Dana claims he was? (Because, all things considered, he’s not shown to be the harshest ruler ever.)

Additionally, it bothers me that she never bothers to explore any real cultures or traditions on the Isles. She “wants to be a witch,” but doesn’t focus on anything other than the magic of it. If it were Harry Potter world, where witches are exclusively humans with human culture but magic, I’d get that, but it isn’t. It is a whole other world where everything from childhood to the system of government is different. Her refusal to let go of her preconceived notions and just explore what the BIs is like comes off a little bit like a weeb in their mother’s basement saying “I want to be Japanese,” going to Japan, and then never exploring it beyond their notions of what Japan is like from anime. I love Luz, and it was incredibly impactful for me to see a fellow neurodivergent fantasy nerd on screen, but she has a tendency of treating the Boiling Isles like her escapist fantasies. It bothers me that it’s not really addressed.

Finally, this lack of exploration leads to limited knowledge on what the actual inhabitants of the Boiling Isles are like aside from a select handful. What beliefs aside from the Titan do people have? What rituals do they perform, holidays do they celebrate? What are the people of the Boiling Isles like? Part of what I love about Amphibia is the time it takes to world-build, to show us all the different ways that the world works, and how there are varied, diverse, and unique cultures that are a part of it. It makes Amphibia dynamic and alive. The Owl House doesn’t do that with the Boiling Isles, and I’m bummed about that.

I hope this is close enough to what you’re talking about, because this got me on a tangent.

#The Owl House #TOH #The Owl House critical #TOH critical #Luz Noceda #Luz Noceda critical #Ask

[itsaspectrumcomic]

If you’re comfortable, what made you decide to seek diagnosis and how did you go about it? It has been suggested to me (friends, therapist), and I have suspected that I might be autistic but I’m kind of scared to find out for sure because of stigma.

I wondered silently for a really long time before I did anything about it - like, for years. I worried about the stigma too, or that I was wrong and I wasn't autistic and I was just weird, or maybe everyone found things this hard and I was just being dramatic and overreacting. I also self-identified as autistic for a while before I decided a diagnosis would be helpful for me, mainly for getting accommodations.

What started it off was my mum sending me an article about Melanie Sykes revealing her own diagnosis and noting the similarities, and I thought if she could see it too then maybe it wasn't just in my head. And then I spent a really long time researching.

I joined some communities of autistic people (eg discord and reddit) and followed neurodivergent people on social media to see if I could relate to their experiences (which was way more helpful than reading a traits list off WebMD).

I also did some self-assessments online like the Autism Spectrum Quotient (there's the AQ10 and AQ50) and the RAADS-R. I've linked to where you can take those on Embrace Autism since I found that website particularly helpful :)

AND THEN I took all my results and notes to my GP to try to get a referral which was another whole thing since the NHS waiting lists are literally years long.

Even though it took a long time and was pretty difficult, I'm really glad I went for a diagnosis! It made me feel much more comfortable in myself, and I've found others take me more seriously when I say I'm struggling with something. Most people I've told have responded pretty well, but I am careful about who I tell in real life because there are so many stereotypes so it wouldn't necessarily be helpful for them to know. You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to.

If you're wondering about yourself, I recommend taking those quizzes I linked as well as seeing if you relate to other autistic peoples' experiences. Also, know you don't have to actually go for a diagnosis if you don't want one. Self-identifying and figuring out what your needs are and accommodating them where you can is also good :)

Anyway, this has been an essay but basically I'm happy I was able to get my diagnosis :) It's not something everyone can access for a variety of reasons so I'm very grateful.

#sorry this is really lonnng #ask #anon ask #autism diagnosis #advice #its a spectrum #long post #is this coherent? I hope it's coherent #and also helpful

[bettathanyou]

hii i just wanted to say i really appreciate how much love you put into all of your writings, its all so heartwarming and detailed, and you capture cedrics character SO well. you have such an in depth understanding of his personality and its commendable. i really admire your dedication and love for this guy and how willing you are to share it with others :]

but ya i have a request, a headcanon list (or story/anything u wanna do) of Cedrics autistic behavior and maybe how he would act with an autistic partner? the idea of there being this mutual understanding of each others needs is really sweet to me. also i personally hc him with adhd alongside autism so it would be neat if that could get mixed in somehow, too :D no problem if not!

ANON. WTF YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY FR?? THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME, THANK YOU. I get so scared of MISCHARACTERIZING Cedric, so to hear that I have an in depth understanding of him from you made my entire day, month, YEAR. I hope this headcanon list is good and up to expectations!!

AuDHD Cedric The Sorcerer Headcanons (With Autistic S/O)

Coming from someone with AuDHD with an autistic best friend, I can't stress how much source material I have to speak about this sifkdiieis

FIRST THINGS FIRST. SENSORY ISSUES GALOREEEEE. That man will shrivel and die if he were ever in the modern era and came into direct contact with a microfiber towel.

A secret Headcanon I have (outside of the reasons I listed in my first headcanon list about Cedric!) Is he wears gloves BECAUSE Cedric has sensory/texture issues. His potion ingredients seem incredibly bizarre at times, and I'm sure the textures of them just get overwhelming at times. If you're wondering why the fingertips are exposed, he might need the extra grip to handle delicate objects, etc etc.

His robe is basically a weighted blanket, argue with the wall. He needs to be regulated somehow, and he's still a nervous wreck anyways

We know Cedric's speech is affected by his audhd. Dude has pedantic speech, overly emotive or deadpan, his volume control is non-existent when excited.

Expanding on that, his tendency to mix up words for spells seems a little... Neurospicy, on top of the anxiety

Forgets spells constantly. Not actually forget how to do them, just forgetting they exist cuz adhd

Has CHRONICALLY turned his workshop inside out because the thing Cedric was using just disappeared after he set it down!

(it was in his hand the whole time lol)

HC that outside of, yk, lack of personal space because no one knocks except Sofia, Autism rage whenever you're being interrupted from a task, especially something your fixated on, DRIVES HIM SO INSANE

Lack of patience. Just. Irritable, and same

His only friend (before Sofia) was an animal companion. C'mon y'all.

Music is so important to Cedric! It helps him regulate. He sings, he dances, he appreciates the dragon Acapella! Definitely uses music to stim, as well as dancing. He does it way too much. Audhd people usually are very connected to creative outlets such as music

Speaking of, his flying machine? CEDRIC IS AN INVENTOR. SO MANY INVENTORS ARE/WERE NEURODIVERGENT

Cedric is so genuinely shocked by kindness from Sofia even though she's consistent with it. That can definitely be trauma, but also feels like a lack of emotional permanence

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria SO BADDDDD Cedric would have a shutdown about it (thanks ADHD)

Prone to more shutdowns than meltdowns. But as we know, shutdowns inevitably lead to meltdowns anyways. I hc that Cedric is definitely seen as "melancholic" because his mood shifts as well as masking (poorly) his mental state after having meltdowns in private

Definitely tugs at his hair, bites himself, hits his head/fists on hard surfaces during meltdowns :((

Cedric's job as royal sorcerer is fun for the knowledge as special interest aspect, but the social parts leaves him in bad burnout, at least before his redemption

Still hates the social aspect of his job though

Potions are his special interest

The amulet of avalor was a hyperfixation, there I said it!

Due to trauma, but also to adhd, I think Cedric has no emotional object permanence. Dude for real acts a little TOO shocked towards Sofias kindness-

There is two types of audhd: sarcasm is the only language they're fluent in, and cannot distinguish sarcasm to save their life. Cedric is the first.

Sofia is the second type LMAO

Where's the same outfit everyday. Like. Cedric would buy the same set of clothes/outfits because too many choices are just overwhelming, and too many textures are Bad

Speaking of textures, again

Picky eater

I've never seen Cedric eat anything except those jellybean looking candies at his parents house

Jellybean/sweets as a safe food

I hc personally that Cedric is familiar with food magic because he conjures his own meals. I can't imagine people would respect his needs/wants enough to be especially accommodating, so he did it himself

Cedric talks to children as equals because of the lack of social hierarchy due to autism

However with the royals his age he is desperately trying to please people for the sake of acceptance (mood)

Okay

Rapid fire s/o headcanons!

Y'all either talk for hours, or parallel play without a word

Doing Nothing Together While Vibing Is Essential

Even though y'all understand each other well, sometimes the weird social rules you force yourself to mask with still stick. So sometimes y'all will have to ask "are you mad or are you unmasked rn"

Same thing with sarcasm. Taking jokes too literally so then you gotta ask for clarification. At this point it just adds to the joke xD

Cuddling/hugs is the best because THE DEEP PRESSUREEEEE

But also don't touch me when I need space pls

Infodumping whenever the chances arise

Seeing cedrics eyes sparkle his smile lines crease when talking about something that excited him feels like the warmest ray of sunshine

Cedric will sometimes get distracted by how much he loves you and loves seeimh you being happy while infodumping and will ask you to repeat things while apologizing profusely

Cedric will buy you little comfort objects you like or give you cool things he finds

Pebbling!!!

Sometimes y'all need to sleep alone for the sake of space, but other nights you gotta be in each other's skin

And both are okay!

Laying in bed doing a separate activity until bedtime is a good compromise when one of you doesn't want to spend the night, but still wants time together

Switching hyperfixations

Adopting each other's vocal stims/speech mannerisms

Suddenly you're saying Merlin's mushrooms UNIRONICALLY

When shutdowns happen, y'all have communication cards! Very helpful for both parties :))

You both doodled in the margins of each other's communication cards

Cedric chronically loses his and you now you're just letting him use yours until they manifest again 😭

Meltdowns, Cedric needs to be alone. He just can't handle ANYONE seeing it, even you

You respect that... And take care of him afterwards with whatever he needs

Whatever way you need support during shutdowns/meltdowns, Cedric accommodates without question

Just

So much love and acceptance and CHOOSING to put in the work in your relationship

Anyways, that's all I got! Feel free to add on! TYSM for the ask!! This was so lovely and self indulgent to write lmaooo

#cedric the sensational #cedricthesorceror #sophia the first #cedric x reader #cedric the sorcerer #sofia the first #autistic cedric #adhd cedric #also audhd #help this is more just audhd character analysis than headcanons

[copperbadge]

Hi Sam, how did you come to the conclusion you should be tested for neurodivergence? I've been reading a lot of Temple Grandin (Visual Thinking is fantastic) and see so much of myself in her books. But, I, too, am, let's just say well into adulthood, and I don't know if my life would change that much with a diagnosis. The only thing I can think of doing with a diagnosis is telling my siblings and childhood bullies that they picked on someone who had a reason for being "weird." But it doesn't change anything. Beyond the medication, did you find any solace? Thank you for sharing your journey.

I was just thinking I should do a post about this....

I don't recall the specifics and have never been able to find the post again, but sometime prior to 2019 I made a joke about having a short attention span, and someone said something like "Oh, did you finally get a diagnosis?" and I said haha no, I don't have ADHD, and a bunch of readers went, "Uh, you very clearly do." Some of them added that they thought I knew and was just being discreet about it. (As if I have ever been discreet about anything in my life.)

So I figured, okay, probably there's some level of neurodivergence there, given that my mother and siblings all have various diagnoses, and my father was clearly autistic. (Knowing what we know now about how ADHD can mask as other mental illnesses, there's a strong chance this comes from my maternal grandmother, who was the person in the family I was most like when she was alive.) I tried a couple of times to get evaluated and always had either slow or nonexistent responses from the clinics I reached out to, so I stopped trying. I had a ton of coping mechanisms in place and was in a good spot in my life, so I thought honestly, what would it change?

But by the end of 2021, while I was still in a pretty good financial place, and my career was doing well, I could tell that if things kept up as they were I was going to tank my job purely through being unable to get through a day doing productive work the way I used to.

I thought, well, if this is ADHD and it's getting worse because the whole fucking world is on fire, I have two options: I can assume I have it and just do the reading and figure shit out on my own, or I can get evaluated, get professional advice, and possibly get medicated. That seemed like the best return on investment, so that's what I worked on. My goal was primarily medication, because I didn't see myself being able to change much else about my situation on my own. And, truthfully, medication has been the biggest change -- I actually have an essay about that queued for the anniversary of my starting Adderall. But while it hasn't been a massive life-altering world-shattering change, all of this was worth it purely for the medication.

Uh, momentary sidebar in my memoir: there are downsides to having a diagnosed disability -- discrimination, legal barriers to certain things like holding government jobs or adopting, etc. Those have to be weighed when you're considering evaluation. If you think you may have autism, there's not necessarily an advantage to having a formal diagnosis unless you need accommodations; if you think you may have ADHD, the huge advantage is access to medication, which doesn't exist for autism as far as I'm aware. So your particular flavor of neurodivergence might dictate whether you get a diagnosis, or whether you just start operating on the assumption you have it. Both are valid, I think, it really depends on what's going on in your life and what you want to change.

Anyway, I have been doing other research, reading journal articles and pop psychology and talking to people, and that's been good, but even if I had none of that, the medication has been so helpful in getting me back on an even keel and then making life even better.

This sounds kind of weird to say but I'm not generally someone who needs a lot of solace. There is some relief in knowing that at least some of my fuckups in life weren't something I could have prevented by simply having more strength of character or working harder, and that's nice, but it's something I could have had without a formal diagnosis -- just like you could simply tell your siblings and bullies you have a diagnosis. (Being real, I doubt they'd care; bullies gonna bully whether you had a reason to be weird or not, and none of that would have been your fault regardless of your neurology. But it's all very situational, as I'm sure you know.) I wasn't badly bullied as a kid and there's nobody really to...tell, in the sense you're thinking of. But I didn't get into it for emotional solace; I got into it to fix a life that was, albeit extremely slowly, starting to fall apart. So if you're someone, as most people are, who derives emotional satisfaction or catharsis from having the diagnosis, I think it probably would be pretty helpful. But even if you aren't, like me, if you can get medication or accomodations, I think it's worth it.

#sam has adhd

[gffa]

The thing I really miss about Star Wars novels is exemplified by being two-thirds of the way through Inquisitor: Rise of the Red Blade and how I think I'm legitimately enjoying it, but in a very specific way, and I think there's actually a ton you could dig into the structure and bias of the narrator that I think is done on purpose and that I can find sympathy for a character actively falling to the dark side and what she's going through without validating the people she's demonizing in her head because I've been there, I have had my brain lying to me all my life, telling me things I know aren't true, making me believe them despite all evidence otherwise, and do you guys KNOW how much I love hot messes of a disaster lady? I fucking love a woman who is just an awful mess and doesn't have to actually be perfect or nice and maybe just once or twice says a kind of catty thing, NO, SHE IS A WHOLE ASS MESS and I LOVE HER!! But also I'm kind of in the position of how I'm tired of getting stories of characters falling to the dark side being the vast majority of what stories explore with the Jedi, I enjoy them, but not when that's all there is, and I have spent YEARS AND YEARS going back and forth with the discussions about the Jedi and I am so tired of it, I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE. I just want to write my commentary and thoughts down in the vein that I have them and have that be it. I want to say, "This is a really glorious unreliable narrator here, because everything she says is contradicted by what the Jedi actually say/do, and she is explicitly a character designed with neurodivergent/mental health issues aspects in mind and you can't divorce that from her character." and like I don't even want to discuss with other Jedi fans about what the author may or may not have said (I read one interview from her at the beginning, enjoyed it fine, and AM NOT INTERESTED in knowing or hearing anything further) or how annoying it is to have a book like this, I JUST WANT TO DIG INTO A STORY and not have to worry about bracing myself for combat. (And also the thorny issue of how this isn't precisely a recommendation because I'm not sure others would enjoy it, like even if you agreed with me, I'm not sure it'd be something in your wheelhouse, but I don't want to even get into that, it feels exhausting, like, just I want to talk about how I'm enjoying it, but not have to articulate why I think others possibly wouldn't, just leave it at "nah, I don't think you'd enjoy it".) I know this is some IRL stuff spilling over onto my reading of this book and I'm aware of the state of a lot of creators in SW right now hold opinions that have made me stop reading their works because I am no longer interested in anything they have to contribute, but also like. Sometimes I just want to enjoy a book on my own terms and not have to feel like I'm arguing a case, but instead reveling in the glorious hot mess of a central female character that maybe I relate to and have sympathy for even while recognizing that she is painting a very unreliable portrait within the book, because I Have Been There. Idk, I'm not saying this very well, and a lot of it is outside factors, but I have this giant tangled ball of "I just want to enjoy something for once, not examine why it might actually be doing my Blorbos all wrong", like aren't we supposed to be in fandom for the enjoyment of things, not to constantly argue with people? /tired and hasn't been sleeping well and has been thinking about this instead of wrenching irl stuff

#lumi.txt #novels #star wars

[sweetmariihs2]

Huge vent: My parents don't know how someone with autism struggles with some stuff, and if I tell them that I am struggling because I am autistic, they will say I'm using my own neurodivergence as an excuse. Yipee

Some time ago, my psychologist wanted to take some neurodivergence/QI tests with me because she saw some autistic behaviors and wanted to find out through tests.

I asked myself this too, because I was seeing too many behaviors in myself that neurodivergent people say it comes from their neurodivergences, I always felt a "weirdo" my whole life because I had these behaviors, like hyperfocus, hating how people don't directly communicate with eachother, picky eater, can feel when something has changed in a recipe, have a low social filter like you tend not to notice when people are making fun of you or someone says you acted in a "rude" manner when in fact in your head you were just being nice, masking expressions and memorizing lines to get along in social situations

When I told my mom this and showed her some neurodivergent people on the internet talking about unusual experiences and feelings that were exactly like the ones that I have but said that it was because of their neurodivergences, my mom rolled her eyes and spoke rudely to me "Everyone is autistic/has ADHD today. People like to get attention. Daughter YOU ARE NORMAL, just because you identify with people on the internet doesn't mean you have anything. Everyone can relate to things like this."

But after I asked her so many times to try having those tests, she finally decided to let me do it. I think it was because she thought I wouldn't have anything and I would finally understand that I'm """normal"""

So after I told my psychologyst and my parents that I was suspecting that maybe I had a neurodivergence, after tons of asks, they finally started doing the tests.

Because I carried out these tests in several consultations with a psychologist every few weeks, they lasted for a few months. At first my psychologyst told me that they were just IQ and mental health tests, but one day my family and I went out to dinner and my mother said "we asked your psychologist to do tests on you to find out if you have any neurodivergence, and also your mental health and IQ, because you wanted to know if you had it" and that left me a little confused because that wasn't what the psychologist said, so I realized that something didn't made sense there. At the next appointment I looked at the book where the tests were and the word "neurodivergence" was also written there, so I started to wonder why my psychologist wasn't telling me this, but I decided not to say anything to her and continued taking the tests.

Minimal detail that confused me even more: During those months between tests, I traveled for a weekend with my parents. They left the house angry because we were late and we didn't had breakfast, so we went to a snack bar to buy some snacks for the trip. I ordered a food with chicken filling (brazillian food, like the famous coxinha, but it's called "salgado pastel", same dough just a different shape) and because of the rush we got into the car and only on the road I found out that the filling was actually ground beef, which I hate because of the texture, I always did, so I couldn't eat it. For some reason my parents were very angry about this, and they said things like "you have to stop creating these blocks in your head, just eat, you eat meat, it just has a different texture" and I said "I know that, but chewing it makes me sick, I can't eat it, makes me wanna puke" and they know that very well.

Until my mother said "you have no justification for this, your psychologist said that you are not autistic, you don't have any neurodivergence, so there is no reason for you to create these mental blocks" (them: personal boundaries and preferences)

Her telling me this made me even more confused, because I had already been adapting to the idea of ​​being autistic for months, I knew I was, and being autistic explained everything about me that I thought was "weird" my whole life. So after hearing my parents yelling at me for 20 minutes straight, what my mom said kept playing in my mind and I thought "I can't believe it. So these doubts I have about myself, these questions I've had my whole life of 'why am I like this? why am I weird?' will never be answered. And in the end, I'm just an outcast for no reason."

Time passed and I kept doing the tests. My psychologist said that as soon as the tests were finished she would call my parents to see the results. When they were finished, I spent time waiting for the results, weeks, thinking about what would appear on paper. I sometimes saw my psychologist on the street and she said she was just waiting for the results, the documents, I'm not sure. So I was really anxious for a few weeks. She set the day for my parents to go there, and they finally went. They arrived home at night and invited me to talk at the dinner table with the results at hand. I won't say much about it, but it was there, confirmed, I am level 1 autistic. My parents' reaction was funny, they were reacting like straight parents who found out that their son is gay, "it's okay son, we still love you, even if you're like this. This doesn't change anything at all, you're still normal to us" 😭 their choice of words and point of view is questionable, but they don't do it on purpose, it's because of the generation they grew up in, at the end their intentions are good, they just don't know how to put them in practice properly.

I went back to my psychologist and we talked about it, she asked me about how the conversation went, my reaction, what my parents told me, and I said that they told me everything, they read all the papers one by one showing me the page per page, they even let me read it, so I knew everything that was written there. And then my psychologist told me something. That before starting taking the tests, SHE had spoke to my parents about it because SHE saw some autistic behaviors in me, so it wasn't just me who was thinking about this.

She told me that she spoke to my parents about it and they said "yes yes our daughter was really talking about this" and they decided to do it, BUT, they told her that they weren't sure if taking a neurodivergence test (that means, discovering how my own mind works and understanding myself better) would be a good idea cuz if I found out I'm something, I'm going to use this info to "play the victim" like HELLO??? LIKE WHEN DID I?!?? HOW?!???!?

Put this together with that situation of my mom saying "everyone is autistic today, people like to get attention", or my parents mad because I didn't wanted to eat something and saying I had no excuse for creating those "mental blocks" because "my psychologist told them I wasn't autistic, so it didn't made sense". I TOLD MY PSYCHOLOGYST THIS AFTER I SAW THE RESULTS, AND SHE SAID SHE NEVER SAID THIS TO THEM! EVER! Actually, what she did told my parents was that I had SEVERAL autistic behaviors and she offered trying to do tests, nothing more.

My parents told my psychologyst to tell me she was only making "QI and mental health" tests, because they were afraid of me faking the test to get the result that I want (?!???!?). And my psychologist found that really weird because she really doubted that someone who doesn't know a thing about psychology could fake those tests, so me knowing it was a neurodivergence test or not it wouldn't change anything, I couldn't fake it even if I wanted to! But she decided to respect their decision. Like parents what the actual fuck

And it's weird that THEY told me it was a QI + mental healt + neurodivergence test, after they told my psychologyst not to. Maybe they stopped caring mid tests about me finding out, maybe they thought a little more about what my psychologist said about not being possible to fake that test. Maybe having that conversation:

Parents: We want her to do the tests but don't tell her what it is fully for cuz she might fake the results (which doesn't make any sense why the hell would I want to fake something like this)

Psychologist: um actually you can't fake it even if you wanted to, so it doesn't change anything

*and after that conversation two things happened: my psychologist respected their decision about not telling me, and my parents got out of there thinking "well, she said it doesn't change anything so let's tell our daughter ourselves"*

Which made this whole mess

It turns out that I am indeed autistic; despite doing the tests blindly, despite not really knowing what it was for, despite my mom telling me 191892827 times that I wasn't and lying to me about my psychologist saying that I'm not (which never ever happened)

AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE: They weren't even sure if they would tell ME about MY OWN NEURODIVERGENCE, because they were afraid I would use it to "play the victim" LIKE I'M THE KIND OF PERSO WHO DOES THAT

WHAT THE FUCK #!?!?#?@? WHAT??#??@?

I spent an unhealthy amount of time wondering why my parents were trying to keep this from me, and why do they see me like this.

I am fully aware that for many years, since childhood, my parents do not accept that I have different tastes and preferences.

My mom doesn't accept me dressing how I want, there was a time when I was very insecure and dressed tomboyish in an attempt to hide myself, but I dreamed of wearing anime skirts and being a soft girl style, I just didn't have the confidence (we are talking about 2018/2019). My mom complained a lot back then about how she couldn't dress me anymore. Nowadays, after recovering, I wear coquette style clothes, which is what I always liked but I just didn't had any confidence. And she even says "If you let me dress you, you would see how many compliments you would get", and I always answer "I don't care about the compliments, I just want to feel good in my clothes"

She keeps repeating comments about how "when I was young she dressed me I looked like a princess". Everyone gave me compliments, she gets a lot of compliments on the clothes she wears, my father says "daughter, your mom knows about clothes, let her dress you" and I don't even wear a style that would make their internalized homophobia frustrated like a masc style, IT'S COQUETTE! IT'S EXTREMELY FEMININE! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME WAAAA

That's my pinterest board. I LITERALLY HAVE some of these clothes and make outfits that are similar to these. What are they talking about why are they mad

They don't like the idea of me having boundaries. Whey they do something that I don't, like eat something that I don't, wear something that I don't, do something that I don't, they always said I'm creating a "psychological block", I'm stopping myself from doing things because I put it in my head. "You don't eat something because it gives you the ick? Stop putting that in your head, everyone does it" "You don't wear the clothes I wear? Stop putting that in your head daughter, everyone does it"

And you know what's funniest for me? Of everything? I've been told all my life that I put things in my head about things that are actually boundaries and personal tastes, but now that I discovered that I'm autistic, I actually discovered that this is related to my autism!

I don't eat corn, peanuts, or any grains since I was younger, and they've been treating me like I'm crazy since always, AND IT'S BECAUSE OF THE TEXTURE! AUTISM!

I don't wore jewlery for a long time and this made my mom pissed for years, till this day I don't wear rings or bracelets because they make me uncomfortable, AND IT'S BECAUSE OF TEXTURE AGAIN! AUTISM

I had crazy "anxiety attacks" when I entered highschool, everything was too noisy, too hot, too many people, too many voices, closed in four walls for 9 hours per day, when it was too much I felt like I needed to scream, I cried, felt my chest hurt, and the people talking around me were still too loud, I didn't know why. I WAS OVERESTIMULATED!

"We don't know what's wrong with you, you keep putting those things in your head" NOW YOU DO! I'M AUTISTIC AND THESE WERE MY AUTISTIC BEHAVIORS! YAY!

And to make matters worse, remember how I said that my parents said they didn't want me to find out that I'm autistic because I would use that to "play the victim"? These behaviors of mine that they condemned for so long were autistic behaviors. And now that I know what they are, I can't say that I have difficulties because of my neurodivergence, because for them, I'll be playing the victim.

I've always had these difficulties, such as sensitivity to loud noises. But if I say "my ears are sensitive because I'm autistic" my parents will say that I'm using that as an excuse for something. "before you found out, you didn't use that as a justification for everything" DON'T YOU SAY!

I have a neurodivergence. I have difficulties with it and I need support, I always did, but now I found out the reason and I need you to understand that my brain doesn't work like yours. But if I tell you "my brain doesn't work like yours" you'll say "stop using that to victimize yourself! You're ""normal""

No hell I'm not neurotypical. My world isn't the same as yours. How am I supposed to ask my parents for support when we're at a party and I'm feeling overestimulated and the noises are too loud, if they answer with "stop using this as an excuse"

They didn't told me this yet, but it's because I'm not mentioning my autism in front of them. Some time ago I was playing videogame with my brother and the volume was too loud, it happened once, I told him

"arrgggg turn down the volume, the sound is too loud and it hurts my ears",

my brother said "it doesn't hurt mine"

and I said "you know i'm autistic"

but then he started saying "ever since you found out you're autistic you've been playing the victim."

I tried to explain to him that I always were, and now I can explain where my behaviors came from. I said "if you discovered that something you endure with is actually because of your neurodivergence, wouldn't you explain it to people? After all you're not like everyone else, you need support in some areas" and he said "lol no I would only make jokes about it BC it's nothing at all" (he's the kind of boy who makes fun of it)

I don't wanna try to do this next to my parents. I will hear worse stuff and only be reminded about how my parents don't respect my boundaries. This week there was an interclass championship at my school, the noises were very loud, very very loud, my ears were hurting so much that I couldn't stand it to the point of not giving a damn about what the teachers would say about "staying on the court" and I just left running out of there with my ears covered, extremely overstimulated. My mother stopped by while I was still there, I don't know exactly what she was doing there, but she greeted me and everything. And at that time the entire stand started shouting about a goal, and I already had my ears covered and an extremely uncomfortable expression on my face. When I got home later I talked about how being on the court was stressful and there was a lot of noise, and she said "yeah, I saw you there"

And I just. Couldn't tell her about the struggle I was in and how this was related to me being autistic. Because she wouldn't understand.

#autism #autistic #actually autistic #vent #vent post #neurodivergent #neurodivergence

[avpdvoidspace]

Do you ever struggle with being demonized for your quietness? I have, pretty much my whole life. I think it's a huge problem in society, if I'm being honest. I'm tired of acting like my whole child-self was in the wrong for not being able to bring myself to talk in a lot of situations, especially since I didn't get diagnosed and treated for my disorders until I was an adult. To be honest, I think it's society's way of demonizing people with AvPD, non-verbal autism and selective mutism. Thinking people like us are "rude" or "suspicious" for only speaking when spoken to, or having a non-verbal episode where we can't speak at all. I was suspected of being violent or "hiding something". Also I was deemed "weird" and treated like some alien due to other neurodivergencies as well.

People on this website sometimes act like being quiet is also a weakness or result of privilege. My parents were encouraging me and trying to get me to speak all the time, though. No one was saying "you don't have to speak if you don't want to". My father used to get angry with me about it, calling me "weak" and my mother used to guilt-trip me for it, claiming I "never tried hard enough" for her because I couldn't get myself to be neurotypical.

I also grew up in a world of domestic violence. My mother told me the abuse she faced from my father started getting particularly worse when she was pregnant with me. I was a little child born on-edge and having to walk on eggshells. My parents would get into violent fights with each other and my father would hit me, too. Both my parents worked and instead of spending time at home playing or bonding with family like other kids did, I was made to go to headstart when I was only like 2. I know it might seem like not a big deal, but thinking about it, I didn't have the same experiences that average kids do, and I still don't know if whether or not that contributed to my avoidant personality. I didn't even realize most kids don't even start school until they're 4 or 5 until I was much older. People have been getting me out there and encouraging me to socialize with others since the very beginning. It never worked.

I spent my whole life hating myself for it. I felt like I was never competent and that I was a burden on my mother. And there were many times I did try to make connections with others but they ended up either backstabbing me or shaming me for my interests. I regret a lot of the times I allowed myself to be known by others. There are many memories of me simply saying things to people that make me feel awful. Terrible disorder.

I did manage to make and keep some friends. But also I'm still not truly myself with most of them and still afraid they're going to end up demonizing me too if they knew more about me. Being queer and growing up with having kinks has left me with seeing so much family, strangers, and even other queer people say people like me are "freaks" and "degenerates" to my face without knowing they're talking someone who's exactly the kind of person they think should be killed.

I saw a post recently and honestly, it doesn't even apply to me. However, it still managed evoke a lot of negative emotions and memories I am experiencing right now...

So there's this post going around that goes something like "discourse about letting kids not say 'trick or treat' is concerning"(paraphrasing) which was weird to me at first because I've never seen anyone say they allow their kids not to say it. I've always said "trick or trick" during Halloween as a kid, even adding some "meows" because I liked being a cat. So it doesn't even apply to me.

But then there were people acting like not saying it comes from a place of privilege. Someone was like (paraphrasing again)"when I was giving out candy, all the black children were lively and sweet, and all the kids who didn't say it were white and probably middle class".

And that struck me a bit. I'm mixed race. People treated me like a potential violent threat because of my quiet nature, which was a result from trauma, not anyone "babying" me. I was always working class. My parents didn't even own a car. We used public transportation to get everywhere.

BIPOC kids who are quiet get treated as threats! Of course you fucking enjoy lively black kids. If one of them was quiet, you might demonize them...

Then there were people saying "you people just need to grow up."

It's so strange that traits that apply to non-verbal autism or CPTSD get deemed as "social anxiety", because tumblr thinks that is the lesser disorder.

I don't know. I got a lot of bad memories spring up from seeing that post, and I just wanted to vent about it here. So many people demonized me for being quiet growing up and it made me believe I was a monster for so long.

I'm not even saying I encourage the behavior of refusing to talk to people. I had a nice conversation with an old woman at Dunkin yesterday. I enjoy small talk and listening to others talk, even when I can't add much to the conversation. I just worry about other children who are like how I was growing up, being traumatized and quiet and being treated like shit for it... I don't trust anyone sees "quiet" as "rude"

I'm sorry about the length and I hope you're doing well.

anon, I'm sorry this took me so long to post. I just want to say that your ask really resonated with me and I've thought about it several times since receiving it. I get similarly frustrated when I see priveleged people praising marginalized for being more friendly, more whatever, for similar reasons. Or setting up an oppression competition between two groups they're not even a part of.

#avpd #avoidant personality disorder #again #sorry to take so long to post these #have been especially avoidant

[marie-swriting]

You Would Both Be Okay - TASM!Peter Parker

Marvel Masterlist

Summary : You're having a bad day, thankfully your boyfriend knows what to do to help you.

Warnings : neurodivergent!reader, panic attack, school pressure, hurt/comfort, maybe some grammatical mistakes as English is not my first language, tell me if you see some or if I missed any warnings.

A/N : This was requested by my talented best friend @kaeinherworld I'm very honoured that she wanted me to write an one shot for her so, Kae, I hope you'll like it as much as I liked the Stefan Salvatore one shot you wrote for me years ago (and unlike you, I won't delete it!) ❤️

Word count : 2.2k

French version

Prompt : "Person A is having a panic attack and they desperately try to hide it, but Person B sees right through them and knows the right thing to do to calm A down." from this prompt list made by @creativepromptsforwriting

Song inspiration : Love The Hell Out Of You by Lewis Capaldi

Too much. If someone had asked you to define that day, you’d have answered it was too much. Too much stress. Too much noise. Too many people. Too much of everything. 

As soon as you had woken up, you had felt this day wouldn’t be the best and the following hours had confirmed it. University was particularly exhausting. The end of the semester was quickly getting closer and the pile of assignments to hand back and study to do was growing at the same rhythm. Your focus and motivation were struggling more and more to stay by your side. You were only waiting for spring break to - finally - breathe and isolate yourself.

On top of the pressure from University, you hadn’t seen Peter the whole day. Even if you didn’t have the same classes, you would always find a way to meet for lunch or at least ten minutes during the afternoon. Unfortunately, Friday was your busiest day and it was impossible for you two to see each other on campus, therefore, you were even more edgy. Sure, you’d spend the night at his place for your weekly viewing of Star Trek but you wanted to be in his arms as fast as possible. 

As soon as your teacher finished his lesson - not without adding an umpteenth assignment, you packed your things. Despite the knot still present in your stomach, you could take air into your lungs a bit more easily at last. However, you were waiting to set your eyes on your boyfriend to take a real breath.

Upon arriving home, your parents didn't take the time to greet you or ask you how your day went, they rushed to make a snarky comment about your school grades without even knowing what they were talking about. Your anxiety was slowly turning into frustration and you did everything in your power to not say a word, you were holding on the last bit of calmness you still had. Without glancing at them, you went to your room and closed the door without wasting a second before laying on your bed. 

You had less than an hour before Peter was over with his classes. You took advantage of that time to get away from the stressful atmosphere. Your noise cancelling earphones in your ears, you took the book on your nightstand, Lord Of The Rings - you couldn’t say how many times you had read it. What was supposed to give you some sense of comfort got you more frustrated. Your mind was too overworked to focus on your reading and the way you had been around too much stimulus didn’t help either. Annoyed, you closed your book ten minutes later and waited for Peter impatiently.

Relief could be read on your face when you heard Peter knocking on your door. Unintentionally, you glanced at the window. It wasn’t rare for Peter to come see you before or after his night patrols and as he had to be discreet, he’d come through the window.

After putting your earphones and your book in your bag, you took it in your hands and met Peter at the entrance. He kissed you for the first time since the night before. The kiss was quick but full of love. He took your bag and put it on his shoulder whilst you took his hand in yours. Following this contact, your shoulders relaxed a bit.

On the way home, Peter was the one speaking, telling you all about his day. Normally, you would have answered him with passion and would have told him about every single thought running through your mind but being too tired, you preferred to stay silent. Peter, always being the caring boyfriend and knowing you since childhood, noticed your mutism instantly yet, he didn’t comment on it. With a simple look, he understood you had had a long day. While he kept talking, he paid attention to your gesture, being ready to react if you needed anything.

The trip to Peter’s seemed longer than usual, you couldn’t see the end of it. You held yourself back from sighing several times in the subway.

Once you were at his place, you went to the kitchen where you swiftly greeted Aunt May who had to leave for work. When you were alone, Peter took two glasses and a bottle of soda whilst you took some popcorn for your night. 

In his room, Peter gave you one of his tee shirts that you put on fastly, wanting to smell his scent on you. His tee shirt looked more like a dress but you didn’t mind it. Peter changed into more comfortable clothes as well. 

Once you were on Peter’s bed, you laid on your left side, putting your head on your boyfriend’s chest while the computer was on his legs and the bowl of popcorn between you two. During the first minutes of Star Trek Into Darkness, you were able to focus then you thought about University, in spite of yourself.

The thought had just crossed your mind for a second, nonetheless it was enough to distract you. Mentally, you made a list of everything you had to do. The more you were thinking, the more you were aware of the work you still had left. Feeling your hands starting to shake, you knew the panic attack was around the corner. You tried to take deep breaths discreetly, hoping to not catch Peter’s attention - his spideysense could betray you at any given moment. When your heart began racing as well, you knew it was too late. Hiding your jerky breaths as best as you could, you tried getting out of the bed normally with teary eyes. You didn’t have the time to move a leg that Peter was already facing you, he was on his guard. Bluntly, he put the computer and the bowl of popcorn on the floor and helped you to sit on the bed correctly. You brought your hand on your chest, the pain becoming stronger and at the same time, your tears were running down your cheeks.

Peter was looking at you without touching you, afraid it would make the situation worse - he knew you weren’t fond of physical touch so he was always making sure he was respecting your boundaries, especially in those kinds of situations. Rapidly, he hid his panic, you needed to see him calm.

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay.” Peter assured you. “Can I take your hand to put it on my heart ?”

You nodded with difficulty as an answer. Delicately, he took the hand that was on your thigh in his. His grip on your hand was light, giving you the chance to take it out if you changed your mind. He put your hand on his heart and he gave you a reassuring look before adding : 

“Alright. We’re gonna breathe together slowly. It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay, Y/N.” he repeated. “You’re safe. Take a deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth.” Peter told you, doing it with you. “Look at our hands.”

At his sentence, you did what he told you. As you kept looking at the fixed point, you felt Peter’s calm heartbeat through your hand and it helped you to feel more shielded. You were still struggling to breathe but after the fifth inspiration, your heart and your tears began to calm down.

“It’s okay. You’re okay.” Peter whispered. 

A few minutes later and thanks to Peter’s help, you were respiring normally again. He stopped talking, allowing you to pull yourself together at your own pace. You kept your eyes on both of your hands for a few more seconds, enjoying the calm. Peter’s eyes didn’t leave your figure, making sure the panic attack wasn’t coming back. 

When you got a hold of yourself, you stopped looking at your hands whilst a feeling of shame went through your body. You avoided Peter’s gaze and you wiped your wet cheeks with your free hand. It wasn’t the first time Peter witnessed one of your panic attacks however, you didn’t like being that vulnerable in front of him. You took your hand from his chest and started playing with your fingers. You didn’t dare to break the silence first and Peter understood it clearly.

“Do you want to talk about it ?”

“There’s not a lot to say.” you stated with a deeper voice than usual as you were tired.

“You hadn’t had a panic attack in a long time.” Peter noticed.

“Well, the end of the semester doesn’t really help not to be anxious.”

“There’s something else.”

Hearing his sentence, you couldn’t help but be a bit annoyed. He knew you like the back of his hand. Despite your efforts, you couldn’t hide anything from him so you sigh before admitting reluctantly : 

“It just wasn’t a great day. It’s nothing. I’m fine.” you brushed it off, forcing yourself to look at him for a second.

“You know you can tell me everything. You also know I don’t mind listening to you and helping you.” he reminded you softly.

“I know.”

“I mean it, Y/N. You've always helped me, especially after I became Spiderman so it’s only fair I return the favour.”

“I just don’t want to be a burden for you.” you confessed with difficulty.

“You are not a burden and you never will be. I will do everything for you. You’ve helped me and you’ve loved me so much so just know, I will always love the hell out of you.”

Not knowing what to answer, you leaned in and pressed your lips on his. You kissed gently, enjoying each other’s presence. With that kiss, you wanted to show him all your love and gratitude. He knew what to say to make you feel better and you knew he was sincere in his words. Peter would have brought you Heavens if that was what you had needed. He would have taken all the pain you were going through if he could have and he still would have smiled at you while doing so. He would have done everything that was possible and impossible for you and you would always be grateful for it.

Peter let you take control of the kiss, allowing you to break it whenever you wanted to. When you did it, you looked at Peter tenderly whilst he was smiling at you with the same softness.

“We can talk about it later, if you prefer.” he said, knowing you needed time. “Do you need anything ?”

“I’d like it if you grabbed my noise cancelling earphones for me and if we stayed in bed for a few moments.” you answered slowly.

Peter took what you needed in your bag and handed you your earphones. You put them in your ears, the silence comforting you a bit more while Peter was laying back down on the bed. You didn’t fully bring yourself closer to him, still needing some space but you took his right hand and played with his fingers. You let go of a sigh whilst Peter was watching you, still on his toes just in case.

You stayed in the same position until the sun left the sky. At one point, you even closed your eyes without sleeping. Once you felt a bit better, you took your earphones off and opened your eyes. Peter gave you a light smile and you did the same to him before he spoke.

“You want some tea ? I’ve got everything for your favourite tea.”

“What did I do to deserve you ?” you rhetorically asked, your smile growing bigger and your eyes full of love.

“You punched Josh Stewart when we were six because he had thrown my stuff on the floor.” he answered, making you laugh, the memory of your first meeting playing in your head. “So, tea ?”

“I’d like one.”

“I’ll be right back.”

After kissing you on your forehead, Peter left his bedroom. A few minutes later, he came back with a mug in his hands. He gave it to you while you sat up, resting your back against the wall. You took a big sip, enjoying the taste of black tea with lime, orange and spice. You kept the mug in your hands and Peter grabbed the book in your bag. He didn’t need to ask you to know you had brought one with you, you always had a book on you, no matter what. Peter laughed lightly when he noticed you were rereading Lord Of The Rings. He got on the bed, sitting next to you. While he was opening the book, you snuggled into him. Peter put his right arm around your shoulders, drawing you closer to him. You took another sip of your tea and Peter started reading where you had stopped.

As you were listening to Peter reading, you couldn’t help but feel grateful to have him in your life. He knew exactly what to do and say to help you feel better. You couldn’t have dreamed of a better boyfriend. You knew there would always be moments where you wouldn’t be okay like that day, just like Peter would have his bad days, but as long as you were together, you would both be okay.

Marvel Masterlist

{This is my side blog so I'll be answering comments under the username @marie-sworld}

#marie swriting in english #Spotify #marvel fic #marvel #peter parker x reader #tasm peter parker #peter parker #peter parker imagine #peter parker one shot #peter parker oneshot #tasm!spider man #tasm!peter parker imagine #tasm andrew garfield #tasm peter parker x reader #tasm!spiderman x reader #spiderman x y/n #spiderman imagine #spiderman x reader #spiderman #tasm spiderman #tasm peter parker x you #Tasm Peter Parker x y/n #marvel one shot #marvel imagine #marvel x reader #marvel x y/n #marvel x you #marie srequest

[poelya]

it's been a hot minute, and honestly I'm trying to use social media less, but talking to @dameronalone last night about Poe spurred on a lengthier thought process/analysis of him today, so I want to talk about Poe Dameron and emotional neglect.

That sounds heavy as hell! It really does, but it's been on my mind recently while re-examining Poe while I come to terms with a new neurodivergency(tm) of mine, and it's really changing my whole perspective on him as a whole.

So what is emotional neglect? Well, according to ScienceDirect, it's this

Emotional neglect can be defined as a relationship pattern in which an individual’s affectional needs are consistently disregarded, ignored, invalidated, or unappreciated by a significant other.

At which point you're probably thinking "okay Nym, but Poe doesn't have a significant other" which is true! But Poe's emotions do get neglected quite often. Let's examine it below the cut shall we?

So what spawned this thought process of mine, was my partner mentioning that Poe probably is feeling a little bit "he was my friend first" about Finn in TROS, in regards to his jealousy. Whether you want to look at things from a romantic lens, a platonic lens, or a queerplatonic one, I think it's safe to say we can all agree that in TROS Poe is feeling left out.

"You mean when Poe's not here" he's clearly bitter and angry about being the odd man out, that they're keeping secrets from him (even if they also don't know everything about him), and can't let it go even when they're about to be executed. Poe is usually the one to get left behind, so there's a lot that he's not privy too - not just in the sense that Finn and Rey both have the Force when he doesn't, just in the sense that there's a history there that Poe doesn't know.

And - to no fault of their own - I don't think anyone's attitudes in the film is particularly helping Poe's sense of isolation and alienation. He gets held to a particularly high, nearly impossible to reach, standard at every turn. He attempts to save everyone's life aboard the Falcon, and is at first clearly compared to Rey (although I don't understand Chewie, I think the "Rey wouldn't be doing this" translates extremely well considering Poe's follow up of "well Rey's not here, is she?"), and then his accomplishment of getting everyone back alive is completely dismissed because he trashed the Falcon doing so. Again, he's held to a standard he cannot meet. Every time Poe does something, it's treated as not enough.

As much as we might joke about the fact that the TROS visual dictionary implies he has a praise kink, the fact that it points out that "yeah well, I got us back didn't I?" is Poe seeking acknowledgment, one that he doesn't get in the slightest, leads into I think the most telling thing about how much Poe's emotional needs are neglected: Zorii.

By all rights, things should be way more complicated between them than they are, from Poe's perspective. Regardless of how nuanced the actual circumstances were, the fact of the matter is that things ended awfully between them two of them (not that it started well between them, when Zorii tricked Poe) and the last time Poe saw her, they fought physically as enemies despite being friends that occasionally made out just a few short hours before.

And we do see some of that "complicated" initially. Poe drags his feet about going back to Kijimi (and I think a little of that is due to him not wanting to lose any 'standing' with Finn and Rey, if they find out something less than great about his past, then perhaps their opinion of him will drop), and he's guarded around Zorii - up until the rooftop scene.

As much of it is likely latent "I think I might have loved you once upon a time" feelings, I do think Poe jumps so quickly into opening up around her, because she unintentionally fills an absence/lacking that Poe feels around everyone else, and especially around Finn and Rey (who at this point seem to be the people he's closest with). Zorii gets Poe in a way neither of them will be able to, on several layers, and I think that might be a little bit also why he's even able to open up to her. If Poe's already feeling left out, the having somebody abruptly ask him to run away with her because she wants him around and wants to include him, and then acknowledges what no one else has/is able to ("I don't believe you believe that"), then I can understand why Poe in the next few minutes is asking to kiss her.

But it's also indicative of...a recurring trait of Poe's, as well. Because Poe has a tendency of becoming ride or die for people, upon being offered...the bare minimum?

Zorii shows him a small amount of vulnerability in lowering her visor so they can speak, then admits she wants him around, and hears him out about his fears and points out that she knows deep down that he doesn't believe that. And it's enough to make Poe ask her to come with them, to kiss her, and then later give her bedroom eyes across the clearing on Ajan Kloss.

But - it's not just romantically that this happens. The same thing happens in Before the Awakening. Yes, Poe absolutely would have joined regardless because of what happened to Muran, but I personally think Poe becoming immediately ride or die for Leia, has a lot to do with the fact that Leia listens to him.

He mentions that he's never felt so heard before in his life, and it moves him enough that I think it has a lot to do with why he's immediately personally loyal to Leia and willing to do anything for her.

Even prior to any romantic feelings for Zorii, he projects a bit on her in Freefall because they're of similar age, and winds up loyal to her because of the fact that they bond a little bit because of their similarities - in terms of age, of feeling older than they are because of trauma, and feeling the weight of their respective family legacies. Again, it's the bare minimum of being heard, that draws Poe in.

(I think you could make a small argument, also, for Poe being so immediately ride or die for Finn, because the latter saved Poe's life and then rescued BB-8.)

Considering the continuing trend of Poe throwing himself at the next problem so he doesn't have to stop and linger on his problems, I think his emotional neglect is partially self-inflicted, but I do think there is a larger habit of the people around him on occasion forgetting that he has those emotional needs as well.

He is the Leia of the sequel trilogy, in the sense that I think everyone looks at how strong and competent he is, and forgets that he needs the same amount of emotional care as anyone else. And unfortunately, unlike Leia, what Poe doesn't have is a Han to beat it over his head that he needs to be taken care of just as much as the Resistance does.

It all rounds back to the "everything's easy for Poe Dameron, no need to dwell" in issue #14 of the Poe comics. And you'd think that, since after TLJ Poe is no longer hiding behind that cheerful, cocky flyboy facade, that things would actually be easier for him, but it isn't - his emotional needs are still being neglected, routinely both by him and the people around him because it seems like he doesn't need them as much, WHILE also feeling left out and held to impossible standards he seemingly can't meet no matter how hard he tries or whatever he might accomplish.

And it's hard to say what might have prompted this - it could be the strain his and Kes's relationship took due to Kes falling into a depression and being unable to meet Poe where Poe was at in his grief. It could (and most likely) have something to do with his mother's former coworkers telling Poe he was more trouble than he was worth and that Kes would give up on him someday. It could be from spending a year and a half/two years of being put down for his idealism by Zorii. It could be from years in the New Republic, being told he was a problem for being who he was and standing up for what he believed in. It could be all of the above, as well as Poe's own mental health problems.

But it's safe to say that I want to curl up around him like a protective little dragon and hug him for a long time and make that boy feel so loved that the bare minimum doesn't get hearts floating around in his eyes ever again.

#nym speaks #my meta #editor note: this is from a mostly objective perspective and is not dragging any character mentioned in this essay #poe dameron

[lucaonthropy]

I feel like there's a case to be made about how Airplane's trauma not only was projected into LBH (and a bit into MBJ) but bleeding to other characters, too.

No other character in PIDW has a healthy and/or present man presence in their life after everything is said and done. And yeah, his excuse is that PIDW is a power fantasy straight harem novel but I've (been forced to) read some novels with similar premises and the genre doesn't insist every man to get wiped out just for existing, so this is a choice made by Airplane (though if it's under duress of his fans not wanting male characters to muddy the porn, I don't know).

Sha Hualing's grandfather (Or was it her father?) gets killed and while I don't think she's close at all with him, she still loses her clan's territory to LBH and ends up powerless. Liu Mingyan loses her brother early on, never gets revenge, and loses her sect. Ning Yingying loses her teacher (yes he is not a good one, but he never raises a hand against her. Despite everything, I'd say that counts in her POV), her friends, and her sect. Qiu Haitang loses her family early on and her fiance is tortured to death. Xiao Gongzhi loses her father and the sect she's supposed to inherit.

Even after that, they all marry ("saved by") the same man that, while never hurt them directly (and some of them actually love), also definitely is not a good man nor a good husband.

I don't know. My brain isn't good enough to make an actual meta and this whole thing is just a realization I got while in the shower. But, as a neurodivergent author whose self identity bleeds all over her work almost every time I write, I feel like there's something in this.

Though if this is already a common understanding or someone has already said it or if I get something wrong (my memory is rancid), then I'm really sorry about that.

#svsss ramble #scum villain self saving system #airplane shooting towards the sky #pidw #luca rambles #random ass thoughts