#but it is nice to know that the adhd meds that do cause me some anxiety but its more the restless heart wont chill type

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

okie dokieee had a crash course this morning on how my meds help w emotional regulation!!

#was off them yesterday bc i ran out of my normal dosage #had a bit of upset last night woke up with full on terrifying can't settle to anyhting can't breathe #everything is life threateningly terrible anxiety like i haven't had since the start of second year #managed to calm myself down twice to an extent but i took the slightly higher dosage meds i still had around and now im just. vibing?? #so thats fun not gonna do that again lmaooo #but it is nice to know that the adhd meds that do cause me some anxiety but its more the restless heart wont chill type #also help me with other worse anxiety :') #mine #jfc i forgot how bad that could get #i mean not really i still get scared of feeling like that wihtout feeling like that #but jfc that's hellish #*apil ludgate voice* thank you drugs!👍

[fulokis]

I got added to a book group and I’m not sure why, like I struggle so badly with reading it’s not funny. Maybe it’s cause I write but like even then it’s not original shit it’s just piggybacking on other stuff and I haven’t posted any of it in ages

#I’m confused #like I like feeling included and shit but like also I don’t understand what possessed them to add me #I kinda wonder if it was their our friend and we don’t want to keep secrets sorta thing #which is nice and all but like I’m totally okay with not being in it #also it’s some people I’ve never talked to so like it’s exhausting enough having met a new online friend this week much less three #idk i might lurk but I honestly am confused by the social interaction #also I typed she for myself and I wanted to throw my phone #it’s cause they don’t know I’m nb and I’m not sure they’d understand #also I find it so much easier to get along with guys than girls so like there’s that #and the more I think about this paired with the videos on autism I was watching today the more it seems likely #I just still hesitate to self diagnose because of past experiences self diagnosing with depression and anxiety #like I was literally told if it’s not by a doctor it’s not valid by my then best friend #just for the bitch years latter to come to me and say I understand what you meant about the depression #my best friend now tho when I brought up the possibility of autism was like yeah I can see it #although her adhd ass still gets annoyed when I’m too low energy to even socialize with her #I really need to find a therapist but first a doctor because I’m about to run out of meds #like technically a psychiatrist would be able to do that too but it was originally my doctor who did so that’s going to be less painful #that is if I can figure that shit out #all I know is it won’t before my meds run out

[lu-lus-duckies]

You all need sleep and I may not be the best sleeper but here's some tips. these especially go out to @xxx-angie @nunalastor and @the-aprilfools-bitch . I will be in your closets making sure you all get good sleep >:(

rest your eyes from tv and phone. Just blue light in general. instead you could listen to music or podcasts. those are much better.

try sleeping between 2-4 PM at the latest (which means either that or EARLIER). your body produces the most melatonin (the thing you need to sleep) at those times. It will be much harder to fall asleep later than that

Take a warm bath or shower. If I didn't have a bad relationship with liquids, I would be doing this all day. the warmness helps drop your body temperature and generally lower temperatures signal to the body that it's nighttime and consequently bedtime.

no coffee if you drink some, unless you got ADHD (angie). I've heard caffeine works backwards for people with ADHD

If you grew up in a home with the TV on constantly or just generally had some noise around you in your childhood whenever you went to bed, TURN ON SOME NOISE. It is what happens with me and I can't sleep without some noise.

It would be nice if your bed was only used for sleeping, but I know that's not happening lmao

midgnight snacks disturb your sleep. try to avoid those, since your body starts metabolism during nights. it doesn't need more food to process. but if you must grab a snack, it's best to choose something that's easily digestible and maybe even increases the production of melatonin. some of these are milk (obviously), bananas, nuts, eggs, tea, vegetables and such.

Don't rely too much on meds, otherwise your body will get used to it and will depend on it for you to go to sleep. Instead you could try pavlov effecting yourself with something similar that can always be available. For example, before going to sleep, perform a certain action (I used this method in school and my version was patting myself on the head or touching my cheek with the hand opposite to it). once you've done this enough times before sleep, your brain will associate that action with sleep and you'll get a little sleepy if you do it again. This takes a long time though, A month maybe I have stopped doing this, but if nothing else works this can be an option. Though this isn't perfect lulu side rant: tried to condition myself with a ring once. was really bad with doing homework on time, so everytime I was doing homework I would switch a ring I wore to my forefinger. And this was only used for that situation. I never moved my ring to my forefinger for any reason at all. Thought this would work, but the only conditional response I got was that everytime I moved that ring to my forefinger I started thinking about homework and not really doing it.

If that doesn't work, try changing your enviorment. It doesn't have to be drastic. for example: sleep backwards. lay your head where your feet usually are and your head where your feet usually are. or maybe try sleeping on the floor. I am paranoid about sleeping in other peoples houses but this is the reason I tend to fall asleep anyway

If your lack of sleep is caused by anxiety (like intrusive thoughts or thinking about the future), try listening to a mindless podcast or a youtube video. It will help distract from your thoughts and give you something to focus your mind on, plus most content these days tend to try and turn your mind off to get that sweet sweet watchtime.

If all else fails, you can try to tire your brain out I guess. that's my method for extemely bad sleepless nights. I start reading because that's the most tiring activity I can do in bed and usually I fall asleep in the middle of it.

#lulu facts #lulu is delulu #lulu is caring for you all so he can be the most mentally ill #lulu lore

[snow--berry]

Random CoD headcanons

Characters: Roach, Horangi and König

Roach

Mute, ever since he was a child. Knows BSL for obvious reasons and is very willing to teach.

He's still trying to teach Soap, but it's not very successful. (Inspired by hurrraaid's falconry AU and Soap struggling to learn BSL there)

May or may not be autistic, I haven't decided yet, but he probably is.

Squish his face! Squish his face!

He goes by he/him and they/them.

Definitely has freckles.

Roach and Ghost grew up together, I don't make the rules. So like 90% of the CoD fandom, I'll blatantly ignore the canon.

He's a chaotic gremlin. He hides in the vents and you can't do anything about it.

Will steal your food at lunch.

Especially if you shit talk him or people he cares for.

Roach has stolen Ghost's food for fun a couple of times and given it to Soap.

He insults you in BSL when you piss him off and you probably will not know unless you're Ghost or Price. Or Gaz maybe.

If you know BSL he'll probably tease you, because he knows most people won't understand. And because this man just loves chaos. Especially if he's the cause of it.

He's the type of person to draw on your face if you're asleep early during a sleep over.

Roach isn't as short as most people think.

Stares.

I don't think he'd be as interested in football as Price, for example, is.

He's hard to get rid of, just like a real roach. Whether's he's being super loyal or making your life hell depends on what you may, or may not, have done.

Horangi

He bites. You will never be able to change my mind on this.

He's also attempted to bite König through the mask couple of times.

Also not as short as people usually make him out to be. Still shorter than Ghost though.

New recruits are dared to put a tiger-ear headband on his head to test their bravery.

He grew accustomed to it and usually tries to ignore it.

Definitly has ADHD.

And is a nightmare to be around when he's out of his meds.

Horangi comes off as really impatient. Idk why.

He struggled with learning English.

Acts like a cat, will push stuff off of tables just because he can.

I know what I said about him not being short, but if he was he'd totally climb cupboards and shelves if he had to to reach things.

Sassy as hell for no reason.

His face looks very squishable to me. He'd probably try to bite if I tried but it'd be worth a shot.

I feel like he'd kinda hate K-Pop because of some/most of the stereotypes that come with it.

Probably should not be allowed to drive.

Total cat person.

König

He's insecure about his accent.

In addition to being (canonly) socially anxious, I think he has autism as well.

I feel like he'd go non-verbal when he's overwhelmed or having a sensory overload.

He likes making German and Austrian dishes.

He doesn't handle spice very well and almost died (at least that's what he claims) when eating Korean food once and now refuses to eat it when Horangi offers.

He gets a bit upset when people confuse Austrians for Germans, mush them together or similar. Even if it's a common thing.

König has an accent while speaking German as well, because Germans and Austrians (can) sound very different from eachother. Especially in slang and general vocabulary.

I headcanon him with blonde, shoulder-length hair.

And a scarred face.

He also has a squishable face. All three of them do.

König has freckles as well, but only in summer and only a few.

Probably has eye bags.

Also stares, but by accident.

I think König gets flustered easily, for some reason.

That's all for now! Have a nice day/night! :)

#call of duty #cod mw2 #cod modern warfare #cod horangi #kim horangi hong jin #kim hong jin #cod roach #gary roach sanderson #gary sanderson #roach cod #cod könig #könig cod #konig cod #cod konig #konig mw2 #konig call of duty #headcanon #headcanons #general headcanons #personal headcanon

[ieatsmallorphansnamedtom]

Hey snake hope u re doing good!! May I request some adhd Gn! Reader x harvey HC, like they're always going in trouble for being so hyperactive/impulsive and info dumping things for him cuz they secretly love the doctor (romantically)

(Btw sorry for the bad english!! It isn't my first language! <:) )

Harvey x Hyperactive Farmer With ADHD

Hello! I must admit, I am not as well-versed in what exactly ADHD is compared to some other things, but I did my absolute best! Still, if anything sets off alarm bells, please don't hesitate to tell me! Anyways, thank you for the request. It's very cute! This is short BTW.

TW: Light swearing, not proofread

Before you arrived in the valley, Harvey was barely keeping himself afloat. He was living off of annual check-ups and the odd minor accident while having to pay for himself, Maru's paycheck, and he was still paying off his med school debt. What a depressing world.

But that all changed when you arrived. The moment you stepped foot in the valley you were causing all sorts of trouble for yourself. Now, normally someone would be happy when they get into a better financial situation, but not Harvey. Poor man was losing more and more sleep every night thinking on what was going to go wrong the next day. Were you aware of this? No. And were you sometimes throwing yourself head-first into danger to get an excuse to see him? Maybe.

Yeah, you were smitten. And to be honest Harvey was too. He'd grown closer to you over the many, many visits you'd had. As you'd sit there while he put a bandage over your knee, you'd talk about whatever came to mind, always in bursts of excitement and energy. Whatever your special interest was, you'd be ranting about it to him like no tomorrow. He thought it was cute.

By that time, you and Harvey had officially become friends. He'd help you when you were having an executive dysfunction moment (TM) and listen to you rant. In return, you'd bring him gifts from the farm and give him money (through getting hurt, but I digress). Harvey was always there to come to your defense when mayor Lewis was getting up your arse about talking too loudly (you just know he gets annoyed at that).

The two of you made a nice pair of opposites attract to say the least. You were loud, excitable, a trouble-maker, and always had something to say. Harvey was reserved, quiet, cautious, and struggled with conversation. But that's not to say you didn't have things in common! You both were very knowledgeable on your subjects and had a habit of getting hurt (though yours was running into the mines while Harvey was just clumsy).

-~-~-

Okay so requests are closed because I CLEARLY cannot be trusted to have them open :sob:. I also made a separate account and had been spending my time on that so I was not here to see anything. Um... Yeah haha. Sorry.

#ieatsmallorphansnamedtom #sdv #stardew valley #sdv headcanons #stardew valley headcanons #sdv x reader #stardew valley x reader #sdv harvey #stardew valley harvey #sdv harvey x reader #stardew valley harvey x reader #x reader #adhd reader

[skiptomy]

Vent post; feel free to ignore unless you have very specific advice for how to live as a disabled artist in an increasingly hostile world.

Feeling less than stellar as of late. I'm trying to come to terms with my disability, but it's so fuckin hard cause I still live in a world that needs so much from me. I feel like I'm constantly dipping in and out of burnout. (Which makes a lot fuckin more sense now that I know I'm ADHD and autistic) But I literally can't do anything to stop it because I can't stop working or anything like that.

Most months I barely make enough for groceries, and I haven't been able to save money in.... Ever. Which sucks because there's so much shit I need to replace or fix. I need a new computer because even after completely factory resetting mine (and accidentally losing about three years worth of files despite thinking they were safe on the cloud) my comp still breaks down every other time I go to draw, and it takes an exceptionally long time to do even basic tasks like open the Internet.

I need to get my car re-registered, get an oil change, probably new tires, and who knows what else. I'm so fucking lucky to have a car at all, but there is kind of no alternative since public transit is barely a thing around where I live. Even if it was, I physically wouldn't be able to walk to the stops.

Almost all my clothes have holes or are from like eight years ago or just don't fit anymore. I have like three pairs of shoes and one is breaking. I don't have money for some of the meds I need and I definitely don't have money for medical aids that could really help.

I think I'm getting extra down on myself about all this because I lost my spot at the tattoo shop I was working at. I completely understand why, they have limited space and need reliable artists who are there all the time.

I can't be.

Most days I can barely wake up. I've got maybe 7- 10 good days out of any month and that's being generous. My health is getting worse and worse and it really doesn't seem like there is much I can do about it, mostly because money is such a problem that any significant improvement (a functioning wheelchair for bad days, some kind of management for chronic fatigue, even just good healthy food) seems entirely impossible.

Getting on disability is technically an option but it takes so long and I don't even know where to begin. And I wouldn't know what to do in the meantime before it kicks in. Plus, who the fuck knows how stable that's going to be, or if it would end up fucking me over if I ever wanted to actually legally marry my partner.

I'm just so scared. About everything. But mostly about being a burden. Being a disappointment. I'm in pain all the time and the only thing I can think about is how much I just want to draw and be able to sit up for a couple hours without feeling like I need to take a nap. I want to do so much, and I can't do almost any of it.

What do you even do with that? How do you cope? "Take it easy, be kind to yourself" Sure, but how do you do that in practice in a world that demands so much and causes so much guilt for failing to give everything you have and more.

I appreciate you so much if you've read this far. It's nice to be able to put it to words even if it's scary and doesn't really fix anything. I'm just scared and frustrated and need to let some of it out in a non-destructive way. And hey, if there are other disabled folks out there dealing with similar shit, I see you and I love you even if I don't know you. Maybe we'll get through this together. Especially if we share any and all tips n tricks.

It's a tough world out there. Be kind where you can.

#vent #compassion fatigue #disability #ehlers danlos syndrome #fibromyalgia #adhd #autism #chronic illness #chronic fatigue

[aibidil]

I met a new doctor the other day and he asked me if I'd ever been active on patient support groups. I was like, "Actually, no. I have for other conditions, but not for this, because I never felt I needed support."

For my pituitary issue,

there are objective metrics for diagnosis and management

no doctor has ever dismissed or downplayed a concern I've raised

doctors have almost always given good advice

the one time I had a bad doctor, I was able to navigate the situation easily with basic medical research ("From what I've found, the best practice is...")

No one (myself, doctors, family members) has ever second-guessed my diagnosis

Why would I need a online support group?

Contrast that with ADHD, POTS, hEDS, low ferritin, dyslexia (slightly different bc it's educators not doctors, but same thing otherwise), and encopresis (all of which I've figured out largely through internet support groups as patient or parent-of-patient):

doctors know very little, were taught incorrect information in medical school, or are bizarrely resistant to certain treatments (eg enemas: I have a lot of thoughts on the homophobia of that one, but that's another post)

my concerns are routinely dismissed

my concerns are brushed off as being caused by something else (anxiety, overweight, etc)

I'm told symptoms will resolve on their own if I'm patient

doctors' advice is either unhelpful or harmful, so I have to turn to peer advice that is helpful and, to protect their egos, lie to my doctors about what action I'm taking

doctors either push pharmaceutical solutions when they're not yet indicated (ie prescribing PPIs before trying nutrition changes to manage pediatric reflux) or resist pharmaceutical solutions when they are indicated (ADHD meds are some of the most researched and evidence-supported prescription drugs)

doctors misinterpret the significance of "normal" ranges of bloodwork results where normal is population average not a range to indicate health (this is common with ferritin, thyroid)

So yeah, it was nice to remember that I truly don't turn to online peer medical support if I don't have to. If I have a medical condition that they actually take seriously and manage well, I am more than happy to hand over the reins, trust what they say, and literally never think about it at all.

I have NO desire to make medical conditions part of my life's work and identity. This only ends up happening because doing the deep dive and figuring it all out myself is often the only way any solutions are found. So when doctors get pissy because patients are learning about things on tiktok or on Facebook support groups, what they should really be doing is asking why on earth people would need to resort to getting their medical information through these channels instead of by asking their doctors.

#chronic illness #healthcare #medical mistreatment #disability

[jaybutnotthebird]

Percy Jackson And Neurodivergency

I didn't read the Percy Jackson books growing up. I wish I had, it's one of those sagas that I am discovering now and I know I would have loved to have when I was younger.

One of the things that called my atention in the book is they talk about ADHD several times, and not allways as a bad thing, and god fucking dammit, that would have been helpfull.

The first book was published in 2005, meaning at the time ADHD was already a well known thing and there were kids being diagnosed with it and taking medication at the time. It would have been nice knowing that. Of course I got my diagnosis and some meds now, when it's short of become more well known, but it would have been nice hearing about it in a book as a kid, or a troubled teen.

At one point towards the end of the book it mentions Percy missing a deadline until it was practically over due to ADHD and when I read that part I jumped off my chair and I started pacing the house while laughting maniacally becuse it was at that moment I knew that whoever wrote the book really knew what they were talking about on a day to day basis.

It gave me ideas.

I don't have dyslexia (or at least, not as severe as the protagonist) but I do have a diferent coctail of neurodivergency wich includes a good dose of autism, wich causes me to struggle with things like metaphor and taking things a little too literal.

It got me thinking of a sfinx, or a person who's part sfinx, and how they could have been diagnosed with autism

I imagine some kid like myself, arriving at camp half blood fuming becouse they had been lied to about being a demigod, or simply for the truth being kept from them.

I imagine Ciron trying to be diplomatic and kind, explaining why it was best that way, only to have this kid arguing back over and over, and when Ciron sees their angry face, suddenly he stops and says 'oh. You're a sfinx' or something like that. I imagine Percy being told what it entails (it would include things like a fierce temper and oracle-like habilities) and how this character could be an interesting adition to the story.

#percy jackson #neurodiverent #books #humor #ocs #character design #fanfiction

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

What do you think about adhd medication?

I am going to get diagnosed soon, and may get a prescription for adhd meds. I'm really struggling, I also have depression, anxiety, autism and dyscalculia (maths disorder). So yeah. Life sucks. And I cant get anything done in school or at home and my relationships with my friends are getting strained because I'm so stupid and weird and they don't really understand me.

I think that adhd meds and antidepressants or anxiety meds could really help me, and in turn help me in school. Im about to go into grade 11 and really need to up my game for senior. I'm not exactly failing (almost failing in maths, only reason I'm not is extra time because they can tell I got some stuff going on in my brain.) But yeah i get good-ish grades in most of my other subjects, but I hate the classes and the homework. I end up drawing in the margins or on my hands in class. I cant focus, I cant think. Everyone is always talking and it hurts my mind and I can't handle it. I can't stop thinking, too, and it hurts me. I just. Idk. I want to go on medication but I dont want to become a zombie.

Cause I've heard about people who took adhd meds and then regretted it because they felt like a zombie or robot.

So yeah, sorry for the long thing. I just kinda wanted to ask if you or someone you know has been on adhd meds or currently are? Or if you know about it at least? Because I just don't know, and all the websites I can find are ablist or sound like the standard "if your son tragically has adhd and is being disruptive then you absaloutly have to give him meds" and idk who to trust with this.

Thanks :)

Hi there,

It’s completely up to you to decide to use medication or not. Try looking into the side effects and how it affects people. Some say that medication helps, others say the opposite. Everyone is different, and I’m not an expert or doctor, so I can’t say if medication is right for you.

I hope this answers your question. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have s nice day/night. ❤️

#inbox #inbox reply #inbox is open

[crossstitchbossbitch-blog]

For someone living in England, snow is relatively rare. It is a weird feeling to experience precipitation that isn't rain. I was late for work by 90 mins today.

Later on, I got a shitty "we need to talk" meeting at work concerning something I did last week and it has taken me a few hours to process it. Now I feel bad for fucking up, jumping the gun, overstepping boundaries and unintentionally making things unmanageable for other people.

I was stressed and busy and responded to an email saying yes I might be able to change an aspect of operations to make that person's workload lighter... without really considering the impact it might have on other people or the context of why the person was asking me, and not my line manager or the person dealing directly with that area. My main concern was not forgetting to reply because I was busy so I sent back an exhaustive reply with lots of options and ideas, but also said I would need opinions and a final "say-so" from the main staff involved.

It has just made things harder for the main people involved and caused anxiety for other staff.

I hate that I was oblivious to these consequences and really hope I haven't come off as an asshole who doesn't give a shit about other people. But I am trying to not be shit. Trying super fucking hard.

I just can't quite catch how or why I do things wrong, especially in a professional sense. I did a humanities degree and had most of my working experience in hospitality before i moved into office jobs, and I definitely struggle more in office jobs than in reactive / active / busy customer service and waitressing roles.

I don't know if I am autistic. I got an adhd diagnosis about 14 months ago and I have stimulant medication for that. I am always late but never say no to more commitments and sort of balance it all like a game of buckaroo, until it inevitably comes crashing down.

I can't believe some people my age have proper jobs where they save lives or are super successful and make loads of money, or have kids and keep them alive and well. I just about manage with a dog.

I want to ask for help to "fix" this sort of thing, but I do therapy and I have meds and try to be nice to myself. Not sure what else I can do to not be shit. Yes this is all internalised ablism but I can't fix that immediately. Fucking great.

#adhd #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurodiverse stuff #daily struggles #audhd #ugh #adhd problems #hnng #am i autistic? #late diagnosis #adhd women #social struggles #unprofessional #how do you do it #send help #im so tired

[lil-ms-dipst]

Minecraft music is the best fucking thing my god

Like.. This post is specifically about me. If you prefer another OST that's fine I'm not saying yours is invalid but holy FUCK bro. Minecraft soundtrack just.. hits a part of my brain that nothing else can. Is it because I've been playing it for about 10-11 years now?? Maybe. Is it because I've spent countless dollars on it including dropping 50$ on fucking CROCS???? Maybe. But something about the soundtrack is just.. it's pure bliss to me. Like, my ADHD?? Fucking gone. My brain unscrambles itself, even if it's just for a little bit, whenever a Minecraft song comes on. Now there's C418, which of course I grew up with as he was the only artist really for the early soundtracks. But the new artists (I say new as if the Caves & Cliffs update isn't from like 2-3 years ago) are amazing too. An Ordinary Day literally carried my ass through my first year of college. Any time I'd have a mental breakdown or knew I was about to I just put it on and.. waited. Everything would be okay. During my senior year of high school or before my therapy Minecraft song was either of the 1.13 tracks that play specifically when you're underwater. And Infinite Amethyst too, god such a good song. That one helped a lot too, especially when needing to nap. I had a mental breakdown at work yesterday due to getting a horrific dinner rush I am not used to getting and everybody around me getting a bit pissy and our order screen just wouldn't clear up and we were running low on everything. I knew I was about to explode, so I tell the manager I need to use the bathroom and in there I just begin texting my parents. Besides their comfort, I put on the Minecraft soundtrack (starting with some Caves and Cliff shit of course) and like magic everything felt better. Everything felt nice and calm and happy. I don't know what causes it but fuck I am so happy I found music that works like this. I use Minecraft music to help me focus on homework too, especially shit I don't want to do at all. Helps me focus when my meds can't, because ADHD be damned. Nothing really shows how much a soundtrack can make you feel better than when you're naked in the shower crying your eyes out and you put on that song and just.. you feel better. Or you are about to have a breakdown and you need to just clear your head before your next class so you spend like twenty minutes just.. eyes closed drifting in your thoughts.. with that one song. Or struggling to focus on something you don't wanna do so you put on that one song. I am so happy for the existence of the Minecraft soundtrack and the way it's impacted me is beyond anything I can put into words. Sure, it gave me literal like years of bullying since I was 8 that never stopped until I was like 17, but it also gave me this music, and tons of friends I would've never met otherwise. It gave me creativity and a way to express it before I could figure out other ways. It just. It is so lovely.

#rambling #venting #i think it might be venting idk?? #minecraft #soundtrack #music #adhd #depression #anxiety #I fucking love this soundtrack so much #No matter what stress I get put under the songs just make it all melt away. #When certain songs come on.. it's just #I cry. Not out of sadness #but like.. joy? Nostalgia? Memories?? #Minecraft Music is just therapeutic in a way I cannot properly express I think. #FUCKKKK #I owe Minecraft so much...

[magnetothemagnificent]

I'm observing Yom Kippur for the first time this year, and I want to fast but taking my ADHD meds on an empty stomach causes severe digestive pain. I can't skip my meds because I have to drive a long time to get to shul and when I'm unmedicated I get drowsy behind the wheel. So for safety, I have to eat *something*. I've decided to just have a piece of toast with my meds and fast for the rest of the day. I like the idea in the post you recently reblogged, about not listening to music/podcasts, but that's another thing that helps me stay alert while driving. I know that my health and safety are important, but I'm still feeling weirdly guilty and embarrassed about my ADHD interfering with my observance. It just feels like I'm cheating, even though I'm bummed about not being able to observe to the extent I want to. Do you have any advice to alleviate these feelings?

I also have to eat/drink a little bit on fast days for my meds, and the guilt is something tough to deal with. I would focus on what you *can* do. Focus on the things you *can* do to observe Yom Kippur to its fullest. Focus on the fact that you can go to synagogue, wear nice clothing, pray or sing, meditate....

I can almost guarantee that everyone struggles with Yom Kippur especially. One year when I was a kid I was so bored during services that I accidentally pulled my tooth out. It wasn't even loose, I was that bored.

Even people who fast feel bad about not being able to complete as many Mitzvot as they could if they were eating, that's why many have the custom to smell nice smells (or just snuff) in order to be able to say the Bracha of "Boreh Minei Besamim", to maximize the potential of Brachot and Mitzvot.

The best thing about Yom Kippur is at least everyone is struggling in some way. Whether it's with not eating, concentrating during prayer, finding meaning in the day......I think it brings us all together in a way to know that we all have something we struggle with, and yet we all make it through.

#judaism #jumblr #yom kippur #halakha #fasting

[notabled-noodle]

In response to your personal post about dissociation.. I'm a little unsure if you basically decided to leave the subject alone for now, and I'm not unwantingly butting in.. if I am, you can ofc ignore this :)

I am personally and professionally of the opinion that the dissociative disorders are some of the most under-researched, poorly understood and random designations in the diagnostic system. By no means, does this mean that I don't believe in the experiences associated with dissociation, hell, I'm a dissociative bitch myself, but I do think that it's very hard to say anything about dissociative experiences that has any solid scientific basis.

Therefore I am taking off my psychologist hat, and I'm going to share some personal first hand and second hand anecdotes that may or may not be helpful somehow.

First off about the 70% of the time feeling dissociated/disconnected from your body. With what little I know of you, I tend to contribute this at least partially to your sensory sensitivities - it sounds like "your body in the world" is not a very nice place to be, so it makes sense that you spent a lot of time out of touch with it. But in terms of anecdotes, I have a friend, a trans girl. For her a similar constant dissociation was at least partially related to gender questions, and the further she got in her transition, the more in touch she felt with her body (and emotions). I have a partner with DID, who thought they were always dissociated. When they started adhd meds some of the fog lifted, and they learned that for them there was a difference between adhd fog and dissociation that they didn't quite see previously. Another partner who is autistic and has ptsd feels disconnected from reality as a whole, and while they have a vivid rich inner life, they struggle to connect emotionally with the "real world". They are questioning schizoid pd. Personally I used to feel similarly, still do sometimes, and I think for me it was in large part due to a life-long experience of being an "outsider"/not quite human, an observer of not just the world but also "myself", and it was very meta in a distinctly prodromal psychosis way I guess ^^"

As for spicy dissociation and feeling "just not present", I'm not 100% sure I understand what you mean, or rather that could mean different things to me. It could be that you experience amnesia for these episodes (thus feeling like you weren't there), it could be an experience of being on autopilot without actually decision making power, or it could be the feeling of another presence taking over temporarily (or some mix). For example I personally experience both of the latter, but not the first (blackout amnesia). But since I'm not sure what you mean by it, I won't comment much more.

In terms of the flashback triggering dissociation triggering an emotional flashback! THAT I know what you mean, like yes, that is a thing.

The way I conceptualise it, something triggers a flashback. Which is upsetting, so the brain reacts by trying to shut down via dissociation, much like it might have done at the actual traumatic event in question. And then the dissociation sticks around, not allowing you to access your emotions etc. So when the dissociation lifts, you are hit by the emotions related to the flashback.

In terms of what trauma counts for what disorder etc, sure, that can matter for an official diagnosis, but in terms of personal experience, it's honestly rather simple: Anything that you personally experienced as traumatic has the potential to cause you to have trauma reactions later - such as flashbacks, dissociation and more. (Also might wanna throw in there that it's well-established that autistic (and other differently nd) people often interpret and experience stressful events in a more traumatizing way than neurotypical counterparts.)

Losing control of your body while still having full awareness would be interpreted as a delusion of control by most psychiatrists, a symptom of psychosis. There's a lot to be said about the differences and similarities between dissociative and psychotic experiences, and once again, it's not a subject where I feel confident saying anything in a professional capacity. That said, there's a few things to look out for in understanding the nature of what's going on.

In delusions of control, the sufferer often (but not always) have an accompanying delusion about who/what is controlling them. Whether this is the case of not, delusions of control are usually (but not always) experienced as forceful and uncomfortable/scary.

When speaking of personal and secondhand experiences of both identity dissociation, compartmentalization and delusions of control, I tend to think that it's "open to personal interpretation of the experience".

If the experience is more in the realm of "someone else takes over for a while but it's cool" I'm not super worried. Whereas if the experience is that of losing control of your body, being unable to influence what you do/say, potentially accompanied by a sense of external control, I would be worried, both because that's not a nice feeling and also because I associate that with delusions of control (psychosis).

Personally I feel that the fact that psychiatry only ever offered me one explanation for my identity/control fuckery (as part of psychosis, something to exterminate), while I also felt alienated by the language/discourse surrounding dissociative disorders, lead me down some dark paths in the past..

These days I/we are pretty ok on the whole thing, but yeah...

Dunno if any of that was helpful at all?

I have kind of decided just to leave it be, as in… I’m not actively seeking out answers. but I am still mulling it over and trying to think of the best way to describe my symptoms. so no active discovery, just passive thought.

it does make a lot of sense that both my gender and my sensory issues would contribute to dissociation. and, you know, my chronic pain might have something to do with it too, if my brain has decided that dissociation is a coping mechanism. in terms of all that, I think the best I can do is try to look after my sensory needs and my pain needs and see if that helps reduce the dissociation? we’ll see

I haven’t experienced amnesia for several years, and the spicy dissociation is what seems to have replaced the episodes of amnesia. it’s like I’m half here and half on a different planet. the half that’s here is on autopilot, and the half on a different planet is thinking through fog. it’s hard to explain, but yeah that’s the situation

thanks for explaining about the emotional flashbacks being triggered by the lifting of dissociation! that explanation makes a lot of sense to me, and seems to be accurate to my experiences

it also makes sense that autism would make me more susceptible to ending up traumatised. I’ve read a bit about that before, but I’ve never really applied it to myself, because my trauma has been really unusual (in that it’s happened in bits and pieces). I’ve only started questioning it all now because my mum thinks that I can’t possibly be traumatised compared to what caused her trauma and… yeah. I don’t know.

hmm and about the delusion of control… it doesn’t feel great at all. it feels like I’m on the inside of a robot, and some supervillain in the distance has decided to manipulate what the robot does. I’m screaming internally, but the robot doesn’t listen to me, it just does other shit. nothing dangerous — usually it just makes me say things or eat something I wouldn’t normally eat. it is very uncomfortable though and I wish it wouldn’t happen!

I do have some psychosis associated with my OCD, so I don’t know if this is possibly a part of that or if it’s unrelated. my OCD psychosis wasn’t considered bad enough for me to be on anti-psychotics or anything, so it generally freaks me out but is mild. it’s usually just that I can feel ghosts touching my body, and then I have a compulsion to get rid of the ghosts

yeah, anyway — thanks for the input! from what little research I’ve done, it does seem like a very messy area in terms of distinguishing what’s going on

#dissociation #tw psychosis #asks #tw ocd

[re-roo-ting]

I want to say this here because I don’t see people talk about the positive things that can happen and how things can change. Also everyone is different and this is just my story.  Not the whole thing just the parts that might help someone.

I’m diagnosed with major depression disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and ADHD.

TW: Talks of depression, panic attacks, and adhd struggles

To know the good you have to know just how bad things were first. Before any medication or any professional help, and before I was out of the house I grew up in, I suffered from bad depression. My parents didn’t care much about school and so there were months where I would miss at least one day a week for every week, sometimes more. And I would spend those days laying in bed, often just crying, and being upset without a reason I could find. Aside from my depression I deal with a lot of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and found myself constantly feeling unwanted and out of place. I would go through spells of intense motivation and hyper focus followed by days not doing anything and feeling so bored that my brain hurts and feels like its rotting. My thoughts would race so fast and feel so loud, They weren’t always nice either and there were repetitive and would latch on to ideas heard by other people. I would loose my school work, and organization was never easy. My room looked like a dump. Then I would get upset with myself for letting that happen, and give into this idea that I was lazy. Panic attacks were another issue I would deal with. I’m a paranoid person, and this paired with my race thoughts led to me being regularly overwhelmed. I was having up to four panic attacks a week when I was at my worst. And they left me feeling drained causing more issues with motivation, and more self loathing. 

Right now things are not perfect. I’m readjusting to meds, and I still have bad days. I go through the same things sometimes, and get overwhelmed a lot. But I’ve learned how to cope. I’m trying to be healthy, and improve my self image. I write in my journal a lot and use art and writing, and other forms of creativity to help with my feelings. I talk to people about how I’m feeling and Have improve a lot with communicate and boundaries though I'm still not where I need to be. Most days aren’t happy days, but some are, and most days aren’t sad days either. I still get overwhelmed and I haven’t figured out to avoid burn out from school yet each semester but I can learn to cope. I’m productive, I have a lot of hobbies that I like and don’t feel obligated to perform. I can be relaxed, and I go days sometimes without feeling super sad or guilty. I enjoy school more, and can meet with friends sometimes daily during school. Being outside doesn’t feel like a chore as much, and I enjoy just sitting outside sometimes. I can be proud of my work and honestly often am. I’m surprised by how well I write sometimes, and am shocked that I can draw at all (Adderall helps me to be able to focus on what I’m doing I think), I also have found there are times where I like how I look. Which is crazy, especially because I feel with dysphoria, and have struggled with an ED for years now (also I have a bad hair cut rn and still enjoy my looks sometimes.) I don’t have panic attacks really anymore and if I do they I have tools to help me through them sometimes. I don’t always remember to use them, and can feel guilty asking for help but it’s things I’m working on.

Things do get better, it takes work and patience and nothing is linear and you can’t expect perfection. I’m walking living proof that things can and will get better, even if only slightly. You don’t need to feel hopeless, I was in the same place, and things do get better.

#hope #inspiration #depression #anxious #adhd #comfort #anxeity

[mylittlesyn]

Chapter 1: May 25th 2020, June 12, 2020, & August 7th, 2020 (This fic is in a diary format with memory recollections(It's fine, trust me)).

Premise: Aquarela moves to San Diego from Chicago and happens to meet the CEO/CSO of the new biotech company she works at: Dr. Tobirama Senju. She first meets him in the parking lot, when he's experiencing car trouble. So, she helps him out.

TW: None for this chapter other than questionable boss-employee relationships which is pretty much the entire theme.

𝟙𝟠+ 𝕆𝕟𝕝𝕪, 𝕄𝕚𝕟𝕠𝕣𝕤 𝔻ℕ𝕀

MasterPost

May 25 th , 2020

I know I suck at writing these, and I suck at keeping up with these things, but I just finished my first day as a post doc. The drive from Chicago to San Diego was long, but it sure as hell was fun. God I love my miata. Nothing like driving with the top down, feeling the sun on your skin, listening to some ska, singing at the top of your lungs, not a care in the world… Kiki got sick a bit, but she’s better now.

The real reason I’m writing is more about the job. It’s nice and all, people are nice, facilities are nice, the project is hella awesome… Like I’m going to be teaming up with some of bioinformaticists and using their gene expression data to look at potential targets for AAV. The director of this division says I’m on a ‘fast track’ to lead scientist. It’s kind of intimidating honestly but… This could be really good for me.

Also… They don’t drug test. So I won’t have to worry about using weed on the weekends or after work, and needing to explain why it’s in my system, which is a great relief. I used the excuse that I needed to know ahead of time so I could get written excuse from my doctors because ADHD meds will show up, which is true but… Yeah…

Anyways, went on a hella tangent… What I really wanted to say was the CEO/CSO of the company is insanely attractive. Like, look at him!:

Insert photo of Dr. Senju here eventually.

He’s got this hard look to him. I think he might be albino? He’s got this red tinge in his eyes, which might be from the blood vessels but humans with albinism usually have super pale blue eyes, but… Who knows. He’s a silver fox, but he’s only like 33? He built the company right out of his own postdoc and it kind of boomed within the 5-7 years it’s been up and running. His ambition… Fuck it’s attractive. Maybe the stress from building it all caused him to go fully grey so early. He’s also Colombian I guess? If I ever do meet him I’ll have to talk to him in Spanish. So far I haven’t met any Hispanics within the company which kind of sucks. Oh well, I already put my flag in the pencil holder at my desk. I’m sure they’ll find me eventually. Us hispanics congregate in herds, always find each other and then can’t be separated.

Mr. Dr. Bossman and I locked eyes, his mouth parted slightly when he saw me, then he looked away while clenching his jaw. Hopefully I didn’t do anything to piss him off when we locked eyes… I think I was just filling out some paperwork. His ears were red too, but he is rather pale… I’m probably just imagining things. Anyways, I’mma yeet.

June 12th, 2020

The past few weeks have been really busy, with a LOT of reading. Lit review… I still remember spending two months straight at the beginning for grad school just reading papers with Kiki by my side. (Kiki is my dog, for any archeologist in the future who discovers this. She’s a tiny schnauzer and she’s the sweetest, chillest, calmest thing ever and if I win the lottery I will make it my life’s work to clone her.)

Anyways, I’ve been reading about potential therapeutic targets. I had asked them what type they wanted, like for which disease. The dude was like: Just pick a department to collaborate with. So they have a cancer department, so I went with that. Tried looking for glioma targets, and after a lot of work with the bioinformatics team, we went with RB1. Which is kind of dumb because I could’ve just chosen that without needing to fill my head with soooo much gene regulation data. Seriously, that’s why I’m going out tonight. I need to be head empty for a bit. I mean I get why we chose it. It’s statistically speaking one of the most mutated genes in gliomas, and it’s mutated in other cancers so if the therapeutic use is successful, then it can be marketed to other areas. Still, feels a little like I wasted the past couple weeks.

Anyways, I’m actually going to look good when I go out tonight. I’ll paint my face with makeup and put on a pretty dress, maybe a sun dress, and I’ll go out. Maybe find someone to sleep with. I could use a good lay. I found the SCCA region thing here. I’m hoping to do a track day here soon and go autocrossing. Anyways, I’mma yeet and get ready.

August 7th, 2020

I told you I really suck at this kind of thing. I can’t keep up, but I’ve decided to not beat myself up about it anymore. I’ll write when I write. I’ve felt really happy lately. Also I’ve gotten really tan and my hair is kinda gold colored now because of the sun I’ve been getting. Good thing I’ve been wearing short shorts and a tank top so I don’t look like a farmer, but my stomach is sooooo pale compared to my limbs and upper torso. It’s a bit weird but, eh.

So I met the CEO/CSO. Dr. Senju. I was leaving work and I stopped on the way because he was in the parking lot with the hood up. He was waiting for a tow truck but it just turns out there was a coolant leakage. I waited with him while the engine cooled down and then put in some water. I ended up taking off my shirt to remove the cap on the radiator… The whole thing went kind of like this:

I walked to my bike, and unlocked it while bending over in my lycra shorts that started at the waist and ended just below my butt. The bottom of my ponytail tickled the exposed skin on my waist as my red tank top had ridden up my back. I took off my back pack and tossed it into the basket on the back of my bike. After I pulled out my aviator shades from my tank top and put them on, I hoped on my bike and started to make my way out of the parking lot, only to stop when I noticed someone with the hood of their car open. I pedaled my way over to the silver car and stopped in front of it. I got off of my bike that I built from junkyard scraps and put down the kickstand. Once I was sure the, perfectly functional bike albeit sometimes unsteady, was standing still I made my way to the other side of the hood where the owner awaited.

“Having car trouble?” I questioned with a smile as I approached the silver haired man. When he turned around I flinched, noticing it was the CEO/CSO of the very company I had just clocked out from. He was on the phone when he turned to me with an annoyed look on his face. I grimaced and shoved my hands into the non-existent pockets to then awkwardly cross my arms underneath my chest. I started to take a look at the engine on the Audi TTS that was still smoking some. I bet… I took off my sunglasses before I dropped down to the ground and stupidly placed my palms on the hot concrete as I peaked under the car. There was coolant on the ground. I quickly pushed up with a hop and slapped my palms onto my bare caramel colored thighs. When I turned to him again, I saw that he was on the phone, one arm across his chest, and his elbow resting on the back of his palm while he held up his phone to his face. His lips were tight and he was staring at me, though I had no idea what to make of his expression. “I know what’s wrong with the car, if you’re willing to wait a bit, I should be able to get it to where you can drive it yourself to the mechanic.” I announced to him as I inspected my palms. He hung up his phone and walked a little closer to me.

“You’re the new gene therapy addition, right?” He questioned as he slid his phone into his pocket. How he was managing to keep wearing that black turtle neck in this heat was beyond me.

“Yeah, I’m Aquarela.” I told him as I held out my hand.

“Dr. Senju.” He pronounced with a Colombian accent. So he does know Spanish… I started to get lost in those curious brick red eyes of his as I felt my lips part ever so slightly while our hands remained clasped. He cleared his throat and pulled his hand away as he turned to the engine and my eyes followed as well. “So what’s wrong with it?” He wondered as he started to lean on the car bumper only to recoil. Everything is so fucking hot.

“I’m guessing you were sitting in the car with it idling for a while before you started to see smoke coming out from under the hood?” I guessed. He turned over his shoulder to look at me with furrowed brows.

“How did you…?” He trailed off as he folded his arms across his chest and looked back to the engine.

“You’re leaking coolant. You’ve probably been low on coolant for a while but it won’t usually leak if you’re driving. Plus when you’re driving, the cool air travels through the grill and helps cool the car while it’s being driven, so it’s less likely to overheat while driving as opposed to still.” I started to explain and he started to watch me as I continued explaining. “Given the size of the puddle, I’d venture to say that you’ve been leaking for a while which means that it should hold enough while you get to the mechanic, but we need to wait for the engine to cool down before pouring water in, otherwise it will just evaporate… That and there’s too much pressure build up to remove the radiator cap right now.” I told him while I opened the coolant cap. I don’t know that it actually helps release the pressure built, but I’d like to think it helps some.

“Shouldn’t I put coolant in?” He asked with his brows furrowed and jaw clenched… No red ears this time… Huh…

“Ideally yes, do you happen to have any on you?” I asked as I turned to face him. He studied my face for a moment before looking over to the engine, his arms still crossed. He was clearly frustrated.

“No.” He muttered.

“If you really want, I suppose I can go get some up the street. There’s a gas station a few blocks from here that probably has some coolant.” I offered as I shrugged. “It’ll take me a bit but we need to wait for the engine to cool down anyways.” I remarked as he turned to me with his eyes widened a smidge before he shook his head.

“You’re certain using water won’t damage the engine, correct?” He interrogated.

“It won’t reach below freezing and it’ll be fine as long as we fill it up. Just don’t go over the speed limit and you should be fine.” I smiled at him and the corners of his lips raised as he placed his hands into his pockets. “Should we go inside and get some water then?” I questioned while I rocked on my feet.

“Yes, lets.” He acknowledged. He was about to put the hood of his car down but I stopped him while placing my hand on his. His eyes snapped to mine as he looked over his shoulder, and I noticed his ears were red and his brows were furrowed again.

“Let the engine breathe a bit, there’s a cool breeze going.” I suggested, and he gave a quick nod. His brows unfurrowed and our eyes remained locked as my hand lingered on his. I pursed my lips and removed my hand as he shoved the one I touched into his pocket while he went around to lock his car. I went to walk my bike over to lock it back up again, although this time just the body. After putting my backpack on, I started to walk back into the building with Dr. Senju by my side. He slid his keycard through the pad at the door and held the door open for me before I walked inside. We then made our way past the lobby and into the elevator.

I rocked back on my heels and gripped onto the railing as if I were to start to work my triceps, but no… I just stood awkwardly because… Why not? Him on the other hand… Hands in pockets, standing up so very straight after he pressed the button of the floor my office and the lab I worked on was in… Did he know where I worked? That I’m aware of his office is a few floors up from me… “How do you know so much about cars?” He asked, trying to make conversation.

“My dad. He likes to race them and he got me into cars since I was about… 2?” I laughed as he watched my face with a raised brow. “There’s a photo of me holding the steering wheel of my dad’s Datsun 510 when I’m about two years old.” I explained and he scoffed while looking down with the edges of his mouth turned up. “I started to learn how to drive stick when I was about 8, could officially drive stick when I was about 12, started racing go karts officially when I was 11, then I had my first autocross race when I was about 17…?” I rambled as I stared at the ceiling of the elevator.

“Autocross?” He spoke and when I turned to him his brow was raised slightly.

“It’s when you race in a timed lap against other people. It was done completely legally.” I added quickly. “You could probably autocross your audi, should you ever want to.” I remarked with a smirk. “No prior car knowledge needed to participate.” I teased as my smirk grew into a grin. He pursed his lips for a moment and kept the edges of his lips turned up. “Or you could race mine… Or simply ride with me while I race…” I suggested while I elbowed him. He pursed his lips again… Was he trying to hold back a smile…? The elevator door opened and he cleared his throat once again before gesturing for me to go on ahead with his arm. I walked onto the floor and started to head towards the labs. I reached over for my lab coat but he stood close behind me and placed his hand over mine.

“I won’t allow you to go in there without long pants. I can’t risk you getting hurt.” He spoke with such a deep commanding voice. His body wasn’t touching mine, but he was close enough to where I felt his hot breath against the outer shell of my ear and it all sent a shiver down my spine.

“I’m just getting water… I’ll be fine.” I insisted.

“I understand you just got out of academia, but I can’t allow that here.” He demanded as his hand gently squeezed mine before letting go. My hand fell to my side and I turned around, stuck between him and the lab door. His height towered over me as I looked up into his eyes, getting caught in them once again while I waited for him to step aside so I could walk out. He stared back into mine and I could swear his eyes drifted to my lips.

“Dr. Senju… I…” I motioned to the area past him. He cleared his throat and he stepped aside while his ears turned red and blush crept onto his cheeks. I could feel my cheeks growing warm as my fingertips went up to touch them. When I turned back to watch him, I quickly ran to the door and poked my head through. “Ideally we want distilled water!” I clarified quickly as he was about to gather tap water into one of the pyrex bottles. He turned off the faucet and switched to the other one as I indicated and I backed out of the lab. I walked over to my desk and rested up against it as I waited for Dr. Senju… Tobirama… Which, I’m glad I didn’t call him that because clearly he likes formalities.

“That’s right, you’re Puerto Rican.” He commented as he snapped me away from my staring at running shoes.

“You say that like you already knew where my desk was.” I remarked with my head tilted as I straightened. His ears turned red as his eyes looked everywhere but to me. “Do you have everyone’s desk location memorized…?” I teased with a smirk. His eyes narrowed as he glared.

“I am simply observant!” He snapped which caused me to flinch. He huffed a deep exhale as he turned away and I could see his ears were red again. “I saw you sitting there when you first started… I have a good memory… Photographic.” He huffed before he motioned for me to walk ahead of him without looking at me. I stood up straight while a smirk grew and walked ahead of him towards the elevator.

“So, sabes español entonces?” I questioned as I pushed the elevator button to go down. When I looked at him his face was stonewalled and showed no presence of emotion whatsoever. The elevator dinged as it opened and we both walked inside and faced the door. I rested up against the elevator wall and crossed my ankles while folding my arms underneath my chest.

“Hablo español pero creo que deberíamos mantener esta relación, profesional.” He spoke with a stern, deep voice and a slight Colombian accent. His jaw was clenching as I peeked over at him and his ears were red… His ears turned red a lot. I straightened up and tightened my hold on myself.

“Have… Have I done something unprofessional?” I uttered and I started to feel some knots form in my stomach.

“Your attempt to walk into the lab without the proper safety equipment was quite unprofessional.” He remarked and I could feel the blood drain from my face as I stared at the elevator floor.

“I-I…” I sighed and when I peaked up at him I could see him staring at the elevator panel with no emotion in his face. I was starting to feel queasy. “Every lab has their own leniencies for safety given the chemicals used in said lab… Now that I know what the rules are here…” I turned my whole body to him as I stood up straight. “You have my word, I will never attempt that again.” I told him with certainty, hoping to salvage my job.

“I understand how things function in academia, but we need to be stricter here. You’re in industry now.” He clarified, finally turning to me. “Don’t forget that.”

“I hope you won’t hold it against me… I quite like this job.” I informed as I stared down at my feet as I clasped my hands behind my back and rocked on my feet.

“I’m glad you like it here.” He spoke with a soothing, calm… Deep… Dreamy… Voice. I could feel my cheeks turning pink again and I rested back on the elevator wall. “I do actually have plans for you here, so I’m comforted to know you’d like to stay for a while.” He mentioned while studying my face, which was turning redder by the second. “I read your dissertation you know.” He mentioned with a more off handed tone, but even I knew that a man like him would never mention something like that off hand.

“All of it?” I wondered.

“All 214 pages of it. How is ‘the best dog’ doing? Well I hope.” He wore the world's smallest smug smile and I, who usually don’t care or get flustered by what other people think at all… Was trying to hide my face because I was certain my rosacea had me looking like a tomato.

“She’s good. Enjoying being somewhere warm again.” I smiled thinking of Kiki, who was probably eager for me to get home. “Do you have any pets?” I asked, finally having the courage to face him again. Kiki, working her emotional support magic, even from home.

“No. I am quite fond of dogs, but I work far too much to have one.” He mentioned. “Your work… It was very interesting, that concept you came up with… Using microRNAs to silence the mutated gene, which is compact and tried, while also adding in the replacement gene… It’s ingenious really. How did you come up with it?” He rested on the wall facing me now, studying me like a slide under a microscope. Our eyes locked again and a soft smile grew on my face. This man who’s a genius… Wanted to know how I came up with my ideas… The elevator dinged open and he cleared his throat again as we both straightened while motioning for me to walk on ahead. I stepped out of the elevator and into the lobby, before walking alongside him to head out of the building.

“It might be a little unprofessional to tell you, but I assure you… I’m very open about it and I don’t mind talking about it.” I warned, but he didn’t stop me. Instead his brow was raised… He was intrigued. “It’s the double edged sword of ADHD… All of the out-of-the-box creativity without any of the ability to execute your ideas.” I explained with a smile before stepping outside and holding the door open for him. He gave a small nod and the corners of his lips were turned up. “The ADHD meds help with the execution, but dim the creativity… So once in a while I go on ‘holidays’ where I don’t take the meds for a few days-“

“I’m aware of what holidays are… My brother has ADHD.” He remarked as we walked over to his car. When we stopped at his engine, he turned on his heels and watched me for a moment. “You remind me of him some… You’re both very… Charismatic.” He commented before giving himself the world's smallest smile. I grinned before I took off my backpack and my tank top and placed it over the radiator cap, but it was still to hot too hold onto after a few seconds. “You didn’t have to-“

“It’s fine.” I told him while waving him off and throwing my tank top over my shoulder. “I work in these tank tops all the time, they’re used to some car grease.” I told him as I wiped the sweat off of my brow before looking at him. His eyes were wandering and his ears were turning red again before he faced away. Did he… No… I shook my head and crossed my arms under my chest, tugging at my sports bra some. “Anyways, I’ll take a day off when I’ve been hyper focusing and reading about a problem… That’s usually when the ideas come to me.” I mentioned with a shrug. He watched my face closely as I stared back at him.

“Is that how you came up with RB1 as your target?” He wondered.

“Yeah… It’s a versatile target… It just made the most sense honestly. We’ve got a baseline for our cell line now, so I’m going to start designing the vector insert soon.” I informed as I started squinting a bit, now that the sun was in my line of sight. I took my aviator glasses and put them on, now being able to see appropriately.

“I’d like to see your process if you don’t mind…” He mentioned while he was looking down at the bottle in his left hand. His left hand that had no ring… No Aqua… Don’t.

“I think I would… I’d get distracted too easily…” I gripped onto my bicep and shrugged.

“Yes well… Alright. If you change your mind, please do let me know. I’m very interested to see how you work.” He remarked.

“I mean… If you’re that interested, would you mind if I stop by your office if I want to bounce ideas off of you?” I questioned. “I don’t think that will distract me, although I might interrupt you, talk over you, or something else unprofessional while in that state, so I please ask that you don’t hold that against me.” I warned while waggling my finger and finished with it placed over my lips. He huffed a chuckle while shaking his head.

“Again, my brother has it. I’m well aware of what it can look like. Please, stop by my office as you want. I hope to grow this into an entire department… And I’d like you to lead.” He started with his itty bitty smile to then finish with that stonewalled face.

“No pressure…” I joked as he huffed another chuckle. I felt the cap of the radiator and turned it just a smidge to then wait as it hissed and I quickly removed my hand to then wipe it on my thigh. “Soon.” I commented. “So you’re close with your brother?” I asked while straightening.

“Yes… We are very close. It’s just me and him. Plus, despite being the older one, he needs someone to keep an eye out on him.” He clenched his jaw but I smiled at him.

“That’s sweet.” I blurted to then feel my cheeks turn rosy while his ears turned red again. I bent over the engine and loosened the cap some more and stopped quickly when it started to hiss again, leaving it be as I flung my hand back. Dr. Senju placed the pyrex bottle on the ground, came around, and snatched my hand to inspect my palm.

“Are you alright?” He questioned with worry in his tone as his brows furrowed as he held my hands in his.

“I’m fine.” I chuckled as I looked at my slightly reddened palm. He looked at me with a scowl on his face.

“Nonsense with pressure buildup like that you could hurt yourself!” He snapped to then clench his jaw. My smile faded as I stared into his eyes that were looking closely at my palm. He’s so concerned… Yet he’s so angry… How amusing. “Does it hurt?” He muttered.

“No.” I insisted with another chuckle. He smoothed his thumb over it as he didn’t believe me and although it did sting a bit, it was nothing to cause me to flinch. He smoothed over it a few more times, and slowly the redness went away. My lips parted and I felt my cheeks turn red again. When his eyes caught mine, his eyes drifted towards my lips after a moment and he squeezed my hand. He cleared his throat and stepped back as he let go of my hand.

“Just, be cautious… Please.” He pleaded as his head whipped to look at the engine with his ears as red as my cheeks.

“Ok.” I whispered. The hissing had stopped so I finished removing the cap, bent over to grab the bottle, and slowly poured the water into the radiator. “So tell me more about yourself.” I demanded as a way to help break the silence.

“Such as…?” He questioned.

“Whatever you feel is professionally appropriate.” I teased, stealing a glance as I looked over my shoulder to see him narrowing his eyes at me as he crossed his arms against his chest.

“Well… I received my PhD from Stanford.” He mentioned.

“Oh I got rejected from there. They sent me a paper rejection… Paper! Who uses paper in 2015?” I shook my head and chuckled as I straightened once the bottle was empty. “We’re going to need more water.” I commented after handing him the bottle. He nodded so I put on my tank top again, along with my backpack, so we could head into the building to get more water.

“The tattoo on your shoulder blade… What’s the significance of it?” He was asking about my taíno coqui and the scripture underneath: Borincana aunque naciera en la luna. We walked into the lobby and I pressed the up button on the elevator.

“The words are in reference to a poem turned to song. Originally it’s about a Newyorican talking about how akin he feels to Puerto Rico, but to me it’s about how I was born in Florida and was raised in Puerto Rico. My dad was in the Coast Guard, so we were stationed in Florida when I was born, but I lived in Puerto Rico since I was 3 and it was the only culture I’ve ever known.” I shrugged as I leaned back against the elevator. I stole a glance from the corner of my eye to see his face emotionless as he nodded.

“And the symbol?”

“It’s a coqui. The Taíno symbol for it anyways. They were the native tribe that used to live in Puerto Rico before colonization.” I elaborated.

“My brother and I recently had our DNA sequenced, and now that Hashirama knows he’s 25% aboriginal… He wants to take a trip to Colombia to rediscover ‘our roots’.” He motioned with air quotes before he shook his head and huffed a chuckle.

“Recently? I had mine sequenced back in 2012… Pretty much as soon as I had the money to spare for the test.” I remarked with raised brows, surprised that the CEO/CSO of a bioinformatics company only just now had his DNA sequenced.

“Yes well, I should clarify.” He motioned for me to exit the elevator, so I stepped on ahead. “I did sequence my DNA ages ago, but I never gave emphasis to the genealogy aspect of it until Hashirama got his done.” He commented and I smiled as I watched him walk into the lab. I rested back up against my desk and watched him with my arms folded underneath my chest. When he walked back out our eyes met and locked as he slowly made his way to me. His height towered over me and his eyes broke to lower down to my lips, where mine drifted to do the same. I stood up straight and moved my hands behind me to clasp onto the edge of the desk, willing myself to hold back. “I got the water…” He whispered. That was just enough to snap us both back to reality. He cleared his throat and took a step back while he shook his head and I could see his ears turning red again as blush crept onto my cheeks. I chuckled some as a soft smile grew.

“Yes, I see that…” I hummed happily, giving him one last glance before heading over to the elevator as he continued to stare at his shoes. “So how much… Arawak is it in Colombia?” I was trying my best to recall my Puerto Rican history classes in high school.

“According to Hashirama’s latest fascination, the Arawaks are a broad term that include both your Taínos, and our Lokonos, which refers to the indigenous people of the Caribbean and South America respectively.” He spoke almost like he was reiterating from a textbook, which he mentioned having photographic memory… So maybe he was? I chuckled some before stealing a glance at him as the elevator made its way back to the lobby.

“It’s been a while since I studied this. I did a report on the Taínos in my Native American studies class in undergrad, but before that I hadn’t studied about the Taínos since highschool. You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a bit rusty.” I finished with a toothy grin as the doors to the elevator opened.

“You are forgiven.” He bore a small smile that made my heart flutter as we made our way through the main lobby.

“I’m honored to have earned your forgiveness.” I teased with a hand pressed to my chest as I walked backwards while watching him and pushed out on the door with my behind. He pursed his lips, likely trying to maintain his composed and stoic sense of self. I’m slowly catching onto your ways Dr. Senju.

“You are trouble…” I heard him hum under his breath, and I am so happy for my great hearing, so I can tease him further.

“I heard that.” I commented as I caught up behind him while we walked to his car. His ears turned red again and he was trying to avoid my gaze, so I simply snatched the bottle from his hands. I ran up ahead and started pouring the water into the radiator until it was filled, then I closed the cap, and filled the coolant section up to the full mark.

“Would you like me to take you home, so you don’t have to ride your bike I mean?” He offered as I closed the coolant cap and handed him the bottle.

“Nah, I like riding my bike… Feeling the warm sun on my skin.” I hummed happily as I looked up to the bright blue, cloudless sky. “Besides, then I’d have to drive into work the next morning and I don’t feel like paying for that expensive car park.” I shrugged to then look at him with my face scrunched while I shook my head. The corners of his mouth turned upwards and he watched me as I closed the hood of his car. I turned to face him and smiled. “You should be good to go. Just don’t idle in the car before it's fixed, and be more careful with speed bumps… Although I guess it could just be a valve… or a gasket… who knows…” I shrugged while looking at the car as I trailed off. “Anyways!” I met his eyes again. “I’m going to head home. My dog is waiting for me.” I told him with a smile.

“Thank you Dr. Juarbe. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to repay you.” He spoke as he stepped closer to me.

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry.” I waved him off but he clasped onto my fingertips. His gaze held mine but it broke as his cell phone went off. He took a step back and cleared his throat, letting go of my hand as he reached in his pocket for his cellphone. “I’ll see you soon… I’m sure.” He spoke before he answered his call. I nodded and waved before I walked back to my bike to head home.

So that’s what happened. God is Dr. Senju dreamy… I’m not sure he’s really interested in me though, but if he is, he really doesn’t want to be. He probably isn’t though. I’m just reading too much into things. Ah well… At least I found out I have a good place with the company. And I get to burst into the Bossman’s office whenever I want! Not a whole lot that can get better than that! Anyways, I’mma yeet.

#tobirama #tobirama senju #tobirama fluff #tobirama x ofc #tobirama AU #idk what tags do people use when they make OFCs #tobirama x aquarela

[blu3b3rry-bl4st]

(1/2) I just don't give a shit to walk around your guys bullshit anymore. It's not that I'm not nice you've just used up your alloted amount on some shit. Don't get mad at me for being worked up about something after I try bringing shit up in different ways twenty times and get met with a plethora of excuses and lies and guilt trips and games and shit. If you look back at a situation that I'm getting upset over you'll pretty much 99% of the time see muliple attempts at a rational solution and handling it super calm and trying not to trigger y'all and shit and you just take advtange of that at some point or another. Then go to the I do this and that and do all this and thus for you and your just being rude now. And that's exactly why I don't take help from people unless I have literally and I cannot stress this enough, literally zero other possible fucking options to do so. Which includes skip. Y'all treat me all sorts of fucked up and get pissy cause I get mad when you slash my earning by like 85% think some dudes just gonna ever be alright with that disrespect and then think they gonna be happy. Then tell me "it's something" when I get 30$ for 4hrs like twice a week no tf it ain't. That's literally half a tank of gas and 10$ left over gtfo out here with that shit. Also what's insane is that it's only a couple of you with that mindset. But you gotta have a reason for my behavior beyond it just being a mistake on your part and something that can be worked out and you gotta gaslight me and shit so you really only got one option and that's make a reason up. So then you want to start blaming weed or drugs or money or gangs or abusing prescription meds or being unable to counicaye my problems and shit but I feel like I do a pretty good fucmin job. I'll tell yall some shit too. I'm not perfect. I know I'm not perfect. But when it comes to social standards and general human behavior, that is my ADHD ability.