#but im not trying to im just so fucking lonely all the time

[puppyeared]

ive made myself more wet and pathetic

#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL #its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed #because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH #how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would #be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing #or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late #i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed #the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either #because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember #the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either #the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with #crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure #BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION #im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real #really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and #thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT #you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without #making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY #yapping #doodles #puppysona #edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule #and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened

[ratskool]

I’m like Johnny Truant in the tags of every goddamn post I make or reblog on this site and I’m not apologizing. If you want me to apologize come over to my house and you can talk to the minotaur about it

#House of leaves #im literally going insane these days I should go back to journaling but I’m also afraid of how far off the deep end I’ll go #Literally I am losing it and I’m being serious #I’m so fucking tired of being lonely and being left out and not being able to make connections #Sometimes I feel as if im doing things without realizing and no one is telling me about it #Other times it feels like I must have something incredibly wrong with my face or body and no one will say anything #People make plans and don’t bother to ask me if I want to join and then when I find out there’s a group chat that all my friends are in #Except me and when I asked if I could join I was given a bunch of reasons that were frankly bullshit why I couldn’t join #Are they talking shit about me? I know everybody there it’s not like I am a stranger #Am I just a stranger in this world as I unllikeable? I try my best to be nice and charitable but what am I missing? #Do I black out and say things and do things? Am I more mentally ill than I know? #The only reason (or one of the very few) why I stay alive is because of my horses because I know they would miss me and I already feel bad #Not seeing them everyday #I’m tired of being the odd one out I’m tired of being entertaining when necessary #I don’t want my only friends to be horses because it further alienates me from the rest of society and I just want to be accepted I’m not #Looking to fit in I just want connection and friendship and I can barely seem to manage that #Maybe I’m just not worth it.

[eeunwoo]

.

#hii.. im still not really here a lot re kpop its just not really like the most important thing in my life rn lol #but uh i guess my dog's passing is something i gotta deal on my own entirely. my mom seems pretty much over it without really taking me int #account at all. today shes even sorta like. making odd comments/jokes about it like 'i talk to toto sometimes' because we say this #weird lady on tv talking ab how she talks to deer heads. and i just stared at my mom like deadpan and just looked away #bc what the fuck. and ofc she wouldnt consider its not an ok thing to say . otherwise shes really like trying to make out that im being a #really good kid and taking care of her and her feelings bc shes inventing things in her head about me being extra nice and careful with her #shes like awww youre taking care of me <3 and im like no im actually treating you like you're a total stranger in my house because you #basically are. and anyway. im basically on my own like i always am. i just have to deal with it all alone. as always. which is like fine #its just im extra lonely and alone so <3 ive also been suicidal and really really on the edge. that's your alex update if anyone cares #to be completely honest it's been taking everything in me not to just od right now its all i can think about and i havent felt like it in #years. ive just been sleeping for 12 hours at a time lmao........ anyway yeah thats it? #mrow.org

[hella1975]

i know i complain about my job but that's bc it IS a job not a hobby alas there are silver linings to it and one of those by far is how genuinely happy my work friends are to see me whenever i come back from uni. like the one girl im really close with gave me a massive hug and was fuming with me when i told her im only back for the one shift (she also tackled me to the kitchen floor and all the chefs conveniently 'didn't see anything' when i appealed for witnesses 😐) and the Bar Boys as they've come to be named like a fucked up pub boyband (we obviously have a lot of bar staff but there's a couple lads that are there most often and are also around my age and are all like. the really endearing actually sweet kind of fuckboy? strawberry guy is one of them. im not proud of myself) were all so happy to see me bc a lot of us went out together on new year's and they all get weirdly excited asking about how uni is etc and it's all very flirty but like. the jokey platonic kind yk. and the kp that's SO rude to almost all of the waitresses except her favourites literally shouted 'oi where the bloody hell have you been???' over several other people when she saw me and she's so chatty to me to the point it impacts my work lmao and i was joking with all the chefs bc im mates with a couple of them and there was a lot of 'oh god she's back' from the lads and just excited squeals of my name from the girls and strawberry guy came over to me when i was having a drink at the bar after work and tried to convince me to come in tomorrow to see him again before i go to uni even though i live miles away in the sticks and yeah. i love them lol

#like coming back to my hometown has so few positives for me #if my mum wasnt here i truly dont think id ever fucking come back unless i was DRAGGED #so that's truly why i come back. to earn money and to see my mum that's IT #and that was always the plan when i got this job like i have a very healthy respect for the difference between a job and a hobby #and before this job id never even LIKED the jobs i did i genuinely just thought it was normal to hate your job and hate your colleagues #but as much as i slag the pub off i just really really like it #i love the work i love that im good at it and i love love love the staff #like this is the first time my colleagues are also my friends and it makes such a difference #bc we go out with each other outside of work and we talk about EVERYTHING (ive said it before and ill say it again #NO ONE has gossip like the floor staff of a pub do) and we have a laugh AT work #and it's FUN it's genuinely a fun way to make money #so when im in a town that i despise where i dont feel happy or even comfortable with my hometown mates anymore #it's very easy to feel lonely and depressed and all those things ive associated with my hometown #so yeah idk. i guess im trying to explain why all those things in this post that are just very basic friendly interactions #are actually so sweet and hopeful for me in particular #hella slaves to capitalism #hella goes home

[snailune]

wiki how do I stop spiraling about my life once every 2 weeks I'm getting sick of it

#personal #i just want to make things so bad #it hurts to even look at something anyones made bc im not doing it #i started so late and its still so hard. i got months without doing anything bc im just exhausted from daily life #if i spend more time with my girlfriends i feel like im closer to them but then i have no time for art #if im making something im spending less time with them #and i like my job so much. i really do. i even considered just saying fuck it and going into library sciences #but i still come home barely able or willing to talk sometimes. and i dont know how to fix that #and i feel so unfulfilled and extremely lonely even tho i have friends #but i can barely get myself to draw or write even when i have so many ideas #i feel so uncomfortable in my body and so tired of trying with therapists and doctors #all of it makes me so anxious i feel sick #so Frustrated i feel dizzy. and then i still cant do anything!!!! #i dont want to live here anymore i just want to be with everyone else. but everyone is moving away or planning to. us included #but no one in the same place. it makes me so sad #i dont know what to do or how to do it when i dont have motivation to do the bare minimum #maybe i just like torturing myself by thinking i can do the things i want instead of aceepting i cant. :/ cringes #for anyone that has somehow read this far ill be ok in like 20 minutes im just having a moment dw. im fine. will handle it like an adult #and not spend to much time thinking about this

[solavillain]

is it too much to ask for people to just. make time for me.

why am i always the one asking "hey want to do x"

80% of the time the answer is no anyway.

i want quality time with my friends but i'm starting to believe i don't have many left.

#“oh but caitlin you see them for holidays and birthdays!” #so fucking what #they're hightailing it out of those things by 10/11pm anyway too #no one ever wants to see me. and btw im including just hopping on discord calls in all this #the only time i get together with this particular group of friends is if my other friend is in town from NC #and even then im like a second thought to these people #why the fuck do i keep trying #every time this happens i tell myself i'm done asking #and then the next day i try again only to be met with no AGAIN #im so. profoundly lonely

[canisonicscrewyou]

hmmmmmmmmmmmm why did I get SAD

#in 2024 I’m gonna cure the perpetual loneliness that plagued me throughout 2023 #because christ 2022 and 2023 especially I was just. really lonely. all the time. #and a lot of it was self-isolation but nobody prepares you for the crushing loneliness you feel when you’re trying not to isolate but also #forgot all your social skills and the things you built up BECAUSE of the isolation #I’m grateful to be living with two people who tend to help that a lot. but still. but still. #I feel like in 2023 I coasted through it feeling somewhat to very invisible. see-through. out of sight out of mind etc etc. #and I don’t. want it to feel like that anymore. like fucking hell im so tired of feeling like this

[tendercoretroglodyke]

I have some kind of weird evil wizard curse on me where I feel deeply sad and uniquely horrible when my beloved bestie roommate is home but feel Normal and Emotionally Regulated when theyre out like literally what is wrong with me good GOD get that girl some therapy !!!!

#sorry trying this thing where i speak the thoughts that haunt me and build up in my head as 'unspeakable' anxieties to weaken their power #good thing no one can see this!!! #anyways i want to reinterate that i love my bestie so much and i love BEING with them #but when theyre home and we're not actively hanging out and sometimes even when we ARE i get. like this #i dont understand it #not to be all emo mcdarkness or whatever but i really feel so much more lonely when im around people than when im alone #whats up w that?? #like idk is it just a matter of me being jealous that my bestie spends more time with their partner than with me? #or am i jealous bc i dont HAVE a partner like that who is always there for me and considers me their number 1 #OR am i in love with my bestie and unable to admit it to myself??? #or am i just autistic and having a meltdown every time i socialize with people and realize i am not like them #and dont think i will ever have the emotional intelligence to have a healthy adult relationship like they do #and it drives me fucking crazy with grief?? #vs when im alone im like. not even a person anymore and dont need to be seen i can simply exist and do puzzles and listen to podcast #???? #no but fr this has been a major issue for a long time now and I'm only recently starting to uncover the patterns in my sadness #and im legitimately so scared im going to reach a point where i need to move out on my own and have more control over when i see my bestie #just to get a handle on this insane mood fluctuations that i truly dont understand #and i dont even know how i would begin to broach that topic with them #bc we have promised each other so many times we would always live together #please god let saying this all out loud make it easier to bear 🙏

[united-under-skyfall]

.

#i think one thing i really didn't prepare for w overnights is just how fucking lonely it is. like yeah 80% of the reason i took it was to #get away from customers but like. it worked. and the night shift team is v v small. there's only 4 of us and we've never been scheduled all #at once yet. and usually we're running around on completely opposite ends of the building going long periods of time without #radioing each other. and then i come home all amped up and the rest of my house is still asleep. and then when they wake up #it's just to get ready and go and we don't really have time to talk. and by the time they get back i'm sleeping #and it's my first night off and i can't fuck up my whole schedule i worked so hard to switch over to w them flipping me all over the place #so now i'm just like. sitting in the half light trying not to wake anybody up not doing anything. the only places near us open are #gas stations and i can't exactly loiter there and what would i do even if i could. and it's too cold to go for a walk or to the park #or something. and i feel like i haven't talked to another human being about something that wasn't related to work in years #and it's only been a week. #and we can listen to music or podcasts or something but our carts and machines are so loud you miss half of it. and we can't hold #super long conversations when we ARE in the same room for the same reasons. plus we all want to die so none of us feel like talking. #and just. im tired and lonely and want to sleep and im already regretting this but i'd feel bad for backing out now when they have so #few options and i volunteered for it in the first place #and then there's also like. even just doing my usual solitary thing at home feels so much more isolated bc there's not the noises #of other people existing nearby. the nearest signs of life are some coughing and then a car on the other side of the block #just. what am i even doing here. #tag ramble

[coffin-flop]

i know my cat knows i love him but does he know how much?

#this question haunts me #I'm literally cryinc bc it's a 'holiday' (but also fuck thanksgiving it really is and should be a national day of mourning for indigenous #communities to honor the genocide and the continued violence they face bc of american white supremacy and colonialism) #but like i do have nostalgic ties frkm childhood and im thinking abt how weird life has been #since my mom and I REALLY started growing apart (bc i started to understand things and she started spiraling) #but how none of my holidays feel lonely even whem i mostly spend then alone bc my cat almost always snuggles with me the whole time #like okay yeah this is what its all for in the end #this is what i live for lol #anyway that holiday talk sounded sad but actually it's really happy #when i tried to do holidays w the immediate fam i used to stress a lot and usually experienced something traumatic #so like it's so nice to have quiet peaceful holidays with my angel of a cat who's been here thru it all #the first time he headbutted me was when i came home from my mom's on Thanksgiving the last year i spent it with hwr #idk i just love this lil dude. hes neen a constant for almost 7 years now like wow #also sometimes i hang out w friends or facetime friends after their fam gatherings or friends who also dont celebrate #i was interested in going to an indigenous day of mourning march however i am still feeling pretty awful after my root canal 2 days ago #so i will try to go next year

[piratadelamor]

self isolation as a form of self preservation is going to end up killing me someday

#im already a fucking adult if i dont do something about this shit im gonna be lonely as hell #i just wish i had made friends at college like everyone else #instead of the poor choices of friends i made when i got in for the wrong ideas i had about the type of person i wanted to be #i simply ended up with no friends at the worst place to make friends #imagine me having 8 different classes each semester. each class had about 60 different students #each subject had at least 4 different teachers teaching that so you could choose when and who to take that class with #850 new students each year it was rare to end up on the same class as someone twice #unless you were already friends before and decide to take the classes together #most of my classes didnt have group projects either. no dynamic stuff just reading and reading and reading #it. was. HELL #i actually had like 3 people i could call my friends there but our classes never matched #and im not an easily approachable person i wanted to DIE when i made a friend there that told me she was scared to talk to me before #how many possible friendships i lose all the time for seeming unnaproachable?? for my fucking face bro i cant do shit about it #today my best friend from work also told me that when she first met me she thought i was cold and arrogant #but that i also seemed cool so she was like ok lets give her a chance #i keep fucking hearing it all the fucking time i have MANY friendships that started just like this. people judging me at first #this is so sad and lonely to me i dont wanna be this person #one time a friend also said something like im glad im already your friend id be scared of you if i didnt know you #like????? scared of WHAT. i never treat people badly. i dont fight i dont do gossip i dont do anything to hurt anyone #im always trying to get people together and have fun i always talk to everyone im always nice to everyone #im always trying #so why the hell people still think im unnaproachable #i dont get it i've been hearing this from FRIENDS my whole life. not from people who dont like me its people who LIKE me that say this #what the hell am i doing wrong besides being born with my fucking face #and then. above all. to make it all worse. i self isolate bc im scared of rejection. man i fucking hate being me #i really dont wanna be lonely

[pastrycreamsicle]

why am i so bad at keeping in touch with people??!? not knowing what a frienship actually means???! i feel like im doing everything wrong. i feel like i never tried hard enough in all my 23 years of coordinating with people

#personal #girl i am so burnt out #my bestest friend is percy and we get so so so low when we are apart #i feel like all my classmates hate me??? #or just generally unlike me?? #i also dont push myself to hang with them after class. its mostly bc im 23 with own place. bills. cats #i also have a job where i work to live. #i feel.like im constantly fucking up #and then theres just the timing/money when everyone goes out and i work every fucking weekend at 6am #i really dont wanna go to class tomorrow #u ever realize HOW lonely you actually are? #family isnt close due to divorce. childhood trauma on the res. no communication amongst cousins. #dont know how to talk to people #i constantly feel like im fucking up every conversation #it still happens when i try and talk about something. anything. and im immediately ignored or the topic instantly changes #im not even the oldest or youngest in class but i feel so out of place?? #everyone is either approaching 30 or fresh out of high-school/covid so like 18-20 #no one is really that middle age that im in rn??? #i dunno im getting really sad about school bc i thought i was making friends but now im not included in conversations 🙃 #i dont know what i need

[haemosexuality]

these past few days i have been uncharacteristically. emotionally open. w my friend and it has me thinking about how truly for all of my life i just did not expect anything from anyone

#like since i was a kid i just accepted in my head that all the ''friends'' id have were ppl who either were just putting up w me (probably #bc they had no one else and i was like. what was available) or ppl who cared ab me yeah but i was still their second or third choice #and i was just like. yeah ok. i can survive w that. like consciously i made the choice to hang out w people i knew didnt really like me #bc it was better than not having anyone to talk to #did it hurt any less when those ppl eventually stopped talking to me or i learned theyve been talking about how annoying i am to others? #no it didnt. bc i still cared about Them and had Them as my first choice. but i just thought. thats just how it is. im jist not really #likeable. so ill take what i can get #when i was like 7 or 8. i had one friend at school. and she had like some issues at home or smth idk but sometimes she would just start. #treating me badly or just ignoring me for months at a time. and its not like it deeply traumatized me or anything i honestly didmt remember #this fact until like last year but the thing is that i just. accepted it. i was just like yeah ok for half of the year or so my only friend #will act like she hates me and ill have no one to talk to. thats fine. ill just wait until next year when she likes me again. at age 7. and #now im just like what the fuck man why did i just accept that as my life. through all my childhood and then with other friends in my teen #years why did i never not once try to do better for myself. yknow? #when i was 11 and in another school my best friend suddenly started not talking to me. after a month or so of this i decided to invite her #to my house to play like we had done so several times before and she just looked at me like she was confused i was talking to her at all #and said ''why?''. and i was just like. ok. thats that i guess. genuinely why did i just accept these things #and like yeah i have friends that i feel Get me now and one i love just so much and i can tell loves me back but theyre online. i dont talk #to anyone irl. i dont know how. and im happy im so happy but im also scared that im just doomed to be extremely lonely forever irl #because i am legit just not likeable. not to be a weird a weirdo but yeah im just too different from ur average person my age i cant #connect with them in any way. and i also dont know how to talk to people or make friends or to find people that are like me. ill just #not have anyone forever #i guess #especially bc now i dont hate myself enough to hang out with people i dont like so like. i dont even have that as an option skdbskdjks #Every friend i ever made happened bc the other person reached out to me first and insisted on it. all the friendships that stuck were the #gay autistic/adhd weirdonerds who can relate to my hyperfixations and dont expect me to act Normal™. idk how to find the former group irl #and have never once iniciated a friendship. my fate is to be someone who has online friends only and exclusively #and dont even get me STARTED on the topic of having a girlfriend someday- #anyways. certified magnus archives moment

[rotturn]

once i come back from my trip i think... there's gonna be some big changes

#theres a Lot of mutuals ive been trying to interact w who ignore me and a fair few I've stayed mutuals w #just bc it feels like i have to #and it has made tumblr feel. very lonely #i know this time of year just gets like that #but like. theres people who i used to be close to and talk to a lot who i can not get a reply from ic or ooc these days #and like people move on thats fine its just. idk it sucks #and i know im guilty of being slow sometimes and messages sometimes get missed if im overwhelmed but #i try very very hard to at least reply sometimes or acknowledge peoples posts/existence #but it only feels like 3 or 4 people actually want me here or want to talk to me #idk i love rping and i love being here but this is a collaborative hobby and it feels very much like everyones got people except me #the two people that i talk to every day mean the world to me i love u guys #but outside of those 2 and like 3 other people who like my posts i just feel. like im only a number in peoples follower counts #maybe come the end of jan people will be back online more and I'll feel better but idk #i just try so hard to be here all the time and have completely fucked my sleep schedule on Many occasions #just to hang out and talk w people and i throw my all into trying to be here and have friends and be interesting #and i guess im just. not? and it sucks but it is what it is i guese #i just wish that this wasnt such a lonely place bc im so tired of deleting a bunch of posts constantly bc they get no notes #and it makes me feel like my blog looks messy and bad for anyone new whos looking #i just constantly feel like i have to apologize for existing here and its not fair thats not what this is meant to be #i miss having friends here. people used to like me and im not sure what changed

[pepprs]

also like to clarify.. we were not expecting her to leave. and any time she would have left would’ve been bad timing but it’s like.. this was HER program and we didn’t have enough time to really get to know it as well as she did (and still does probably). and there are so many flaws in it that we didn’t have time to address and our attention was spread so thin bc we were / still are juggling a million things and trying to compensate for the vacancy in our already extremely and egregiously small staff. so i get that the leaders may be feeling unsupported and resentful of that and that is very valid. but it’s like.. if that is in fact the case i think it’s important to know that this is not ideal for us either. we lost the person who knew this program inside and out and we still haven’t recovered and even though her position has been filled now (by my new colleague bestie who is AMAZING and has been helpful and supportive and has gone above and beyond in every way and i adore them don’t get me wrong) we may never fully recover from it or at least we won’t for a very long time. and im not even just talking about like the impact on our work. i mean on us as people who were closely psychically bound together. which sounds freakish and weird but we were. that wound is going to take a long time to fully scar and when the scar forms it will always be there. so excuse us for not putting on a perfect asb less than a year after she left us we are kind of seeing the consequences of all of the horrors right now lol.

#purrs #delete later #i need to not be so fucking bitter about it i know it’s not helpful at all. but it just feels so unfair. i feel attacked. i know we had a #lot of room to grow and we still do but it’s like.. we did the best we could and we’re doing the best we could now. and it just sucks. the #things we thought were going well were not. and the things i need to cope they have grudges about. so like what the fuck ever. it’s like at #this point i hate all of them and never want to see them again. LIKE THE WAY IVE BEEN FUCKING BENDING OVER BACKWARDS over text trying to #help one of them bc she texts me all the time and it turns out she thinks we’re evil??? lol. ok. whatever. like go fuck yourself lmao #<- i need to just get this out of my system bc it’s soooo immature and unhelpful and not how a staff member should respond to this and #posting abt it online is dangerous and has consequences. but i just feel so miserable. and small. and painfully aware of my smallness. #and alone and helpless. and unable to support the people who actually are being responsible and mature and coming to confess stuff to us #even though they’re snitching or whatever. like this shit is so unbelievably fucking stupid and i shouldn’t be letting it get me down but i #just feel very vulnerable to it all rn and lonely. but typing out my thoughts and knowing peopel will read them helps (cringe). ok i should #go to bed now bc we have a very long and early day tmrrw and i haven’t prepared for what im supposed to do AT ALL bc we were in that session #for like 5 hours when it was only supposed to be 1.5 and i didn’t get to eat and my ut*rus is trying to rip my body apart like a wolverine! #* unable to support the ppl who are actually being responsible.. LET ALONE my colleague besties who are each carrying the burdens of this in #different ways and are also processing this difficult news in ways that will have implications for our past present and future! like lollll

[just-another-obsessed-fangirl]

yall ever cry from how lonely you are? :(

#personal #been doing that more and more often lately #i also feel like im oversharing in the tags of other posts even more than i usually have #but i. dont have much people to talk to #or at least. i dont know how to talk to people. not naturally or without putting my brain into overdrive #maybe the autism's to blame but being a good conversationalist and someone that seems human to other humans is not a natural habit for me #and ive been trying!! ive been trying all my fucking life to give off the right vibes - whatever the fuck that means - #and to not seem like an alien and to just have whatever -it- is that everyone else has #but i feel like no matter what i do I'll always just feel like people are looking at me like im from the uncanny valley #it's like i have to learn to be human academically and every time i have human interaction to anyone outside of my immediate family is #like being given a test #why cant things be natural for me!! why do i have to learn things academically!! #im so tired of tests!! and i feel like at this point i should just /know/ how this goes #and not need to pull up human interaction information in my brain!! it should be hardwired in!!! #im tired!! im so fucking tired!! but im so lonely!! #but im fucking exhausted!!! #and i can be good at the human interaction but it's not natural for me!! #i dont wanna just be good at it!! i want it to be easy!! #i want all the practice ive put in to be fucking innate by now!! #i am burnt out on everything!!! #i am always trying my best but it is never good enough!!!