#and then. above all. to make it all worse. i self isolate bc im scared of rejection. man i fucking hate being me

[the-long-lost-ebony-blog]

my suicide attempt from kinphobia -- really really long post!!

TW FOR SUICIDE, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, HOSPITAL, FRIEND BETRAYAL, DOCTORS, ABUSE, KINPHOBIA, ANXIETY, SELF HARM , PEDOPHILE MENTION, and MAYBE DOXXING!!! 

well um. remember a while back when i was all super worried about a girl in chem class almost finding out i'm kin? yeah. it happened. it happened like a month ago. so i actually started being friends with her after she'd obvs had a bad day, like she was just sitting in the hall and i felt sorry for her bc she'd been crying. i started talking to her and asked if she was okay, now at that point she had no idea that i might be kin. i hid it really well! until!! she said that kin itself is a mental illness. and i couldn't help myself. i fuckin went off on her. kin isn't a mental illness, not all kin are mentally ill, etc etc. she just froze up and had this look of absolute disgust on her face. i tried to backpedal and say that she was just using the words wrong, and she was insulting mentally ill ppl but noo, she caught on. 

i just sorta made an excuse and left but it turns out that later on, she'd gone onto my facebook which i don't put on here for reasons like this lol. she dug through my timeline and a bunc of old photos and found like... a kin positive graphic from 2009 or something. it was a thing saying that i was "kin and proud" or whatever. (back then i thought i might be therian or otherkin. not fictionkin.)) 

now, i am in college but for summers i go home to live with my parents. that's where i am now. so here's where it gets worse. tw for stuff above. she went onto their facebook pages and got their emails. and she sent them both email as "a concerned friend". she told them that she was friends with me from class, and that i'd been acting weird lately -- like, not myself, low self esteem, spent all my time talking to strange people on tumblr, took 'a certain satire writing' (my source!! ugh) too seriously, and was really disconnected from reality. 

okay so the deal with my parents: they really are supportive of gender stuff (even though i'm a cis girl and was cis in canon) and different sexualities, and disabilities. they are also anti trump and want free health care and wish we did not start shit with russia. like they are not bad people. but in the past , i'd started to ask them for advice on if i was kin.  i had to explain what kin was. and they were p much horrified that this exists. they think that it "locks people into fiction and imagined reality" and "stunts their phsyclogical (not sure how to spell) development" and "teaches suffering kids to use escapism instead of therapy or self help". basically they are super ableist when it comes to kin. and they think it's ridiculous that it's actual community. stupid me, i'd literally said (before they said all that) that "i think i'm an otherkin, i feel uncomfortable as i am right now". so i pretended to agree with them on kin being bad. but then when this girl sent them the email.... i was home. with them. 

they would not shut up aboout how terrible this was for me, how i was hurting myself, how they never should have let me on tumblr, how they shouldve watched me closer, how i don't owe "these people" anything (you guys are my friends!!!) how this community is toxic, how i badly needed therapy. okay okay -- i need therapy! but it's for depression! not for being ebony!! and it was like this every single fucking day, and a lot of cringe blogs have been posting shots of my blog. that's because she's sent anon tips to them outing me as kin, outed me to my parents, and all the other ppl from class i was friends with? she spred a rumor that i was a pedophile apologist and didn't think authors' work was original, to make them stay away from me. i would have been here on tumblr -- ut they monitored all the stuff i did on the internet. i could only write poetry and watch youtube and like check the fucking weather. and i could shop on amazon. they became so ridiculously strict. it was "to protect me" but no. they refused to udnerstand that kin heps me! 

everything came to a head that night. they took a way my laptop, they took away my phone, they made me disconnect from everything that was related to kin. and they sent me to a therapist who was... well. awful. she was blatantly kinphobic, she'd had kin patients before and claimed to have cured them of being kin. this bitch had glowing reviews everywhere. when i insisted that i actually was ebony, she told me that i was taking "imagination as a coping skill" to far. she would not let me explain anything. my parents, who i usually came to for advice and liked, didn't let me explain. any mention of kin was just shut down. 

and then i couldn't anymore. i am so sorry, i just couldn't do it. and i was so angry at them. i was angryer at the bitch classmate who outed me to them. i wrote a sucide note telling them that i'd attempted before but kin saved my life, that i was sorry i couldn't be better, that all i ever wanted was to find my true self, that if i couldn't be ebony then i couldnt be at all. TW!! when they were asleep i went down to the medicine cabinet, i put a basket of my favorite things on the table, and i put the letter in it. and then i took.... jeez i dont even know what. 

the next thing i knew i was awake in the hospital. god it hurt all over. i just remember feeling super sick but really wanting food, and my head hurt, and it hurt to keep my eyes open. i was just... aching. and i was so disappointed and so scared that i'd failed. i knew my parents were furious with me and i'd never talk to my friends again. when they came in to finally talk to me , well i don't remember what happened. i blocked it out. but i do remember that they weren't angry at me, they were mad at themselves.  they are still kinphobic, but they want me to be comfortable with myself without "having to believe i'm ebony". 

when i recovered enough to be sent home they spent all their time with me until i said i needed to be alone. so they gave me a break but they came back, they said that they'd read about how to help me. all the advice they got said that they shouldn't isolate me and they shouldnt cut off my contact from my friends. so i'm allowed to be on tumblr a little, i'm allowed to talk about kin a little, they think that i'll grow out of it with lots of help. shutting me down about it will make me restless and i might atempt again. 

i am currently in therapy. i dk what my new therapist thinks of kin. i try not to talk about it with her bc i'm scared that she'll be hostile and i'll relapse. overall going to see her is not stressfull as long as i don't alk about being ebony. i just kinda pretend that i don't have a sense of my own identity, so she's trying to help me build one. i did tell her about how i had a frend that spread horrible rumors about me and shared my secrets bc i did something she didn't like, i didn't do anything wrong though. she was really sympathetic bc when she was a teenager, fake friends spread rumors about her being bi and said it meant she was cheating on her boyfriend. so yeah she is helping but kin helps too. i'm not going to tell her about it bc i can't have it taken away from me again. 

thats why i've been gone so long. i'm on new meds too, antidepressants, so i might act weird or be emotional a lot. and im trying not to self harm but i slip up and cut sometimes where no one can see it. 

i know i have a lot of messages. guys im really really sorry but i have to delete them. there are self care request, have to delete, i'm sorry. it's just.... if i the messages, i feel sick bc it' like i missed a deadline over and over and i feel like people are going to be mad at me and i feel like i cant fix it. if you sent requests, please sent them again SLOWLY over the next couple days. im doing everything i can to get better. but i need your help. 

#long post #Suicide #hospital #suicide mention #note #kinphobia #self harm tw #cutting #depression

[myfirstandlast]

1/2 first of all i wanna say im touched that you took your time and wrote a long answer. Bc most of the time i feel so lonely and scared and i just want to feel like im valid but theres no one around me to make me feel that. I grew up in a religious family and now im just "wrong" according to all the things i valued. Im sick of feeling like i should be ashamed or im something that needs to be hidden. Im so sad that i'll never be able to show my true self to my parents bc they're gonna hate me.

2/2 I want to love someone but at the same time im so scared of it bc whats gonna happen? I’d want to love her freely and proudly but thats not likely to happen in this environment. I talked so much but thank you for being there for me and being sincere. It really means a lot knowing that someone cares and maybe i am not all alone. Love you too megan 💕

finally i’m able to answer your ask properly!! i’m so sorry for the wait angel :((

i really had lots to say on the topic and you asked questions that run really Really deep so i had to think a good bit about em u know!! unfortunately there’s probably gonna be a lot of times when you’re kinda isolated from someone to lean on and you really have to be your own pillar more often than not, which can be so draining but u know, no one’s gonna look out for u like u

that’s another really difficult and dangerous environment to be in and i’m sorry that a religion is put before the love of a child, i really am. i’m in your position and it hurts but.. idk if this sounds insensitive but blood doesn’t necessarily mean permanence? everyone’s situation is different i know some are worse off than others but all i mean by that is that just because your family is your family doesn’t mean they always know what’s best, in that field of being at least, since it’s so incredibly personal. their values are twisted if they tell them that the people you love make you illegitimate and you will always be above that, and you don’t need to abandon that religion if it’s important to you, but don’t let it dictate your worth in this world. i’m sorry again if i sound insensitive, i’m not very religious myself but if it’s important to you there is a balance possible where you can retain your values and still be able to tell yourself that you are fully valid. you don’t and have never deserved to be hidden or hated by anyone, especially not the people closest to you. i don’t really know how to offer support in the awful case that your parents do act in a violently negative way if you ever decide to come out because that’s the same fear i have, but i just have to think about a possible future with someone i deeply and fully love always being worth the trials, and something that is waiting for me down the line. it’s hard to hold on to because we all Want Love Now, but life really is different when you’re grown and on your own paying your own bills and accounting for yourself and having that extra degree of control is gonna change your whole worldview, hopefully for the better. i know this part of life doesn’t feel temporary but it is and i promise that!! this is one of those things where you don’t need their approval if not having it interferes with your happiness and wellbeing, and you’re allowed to be somewhat selfish and working for yourself in that regard. you are not all alone, by no means whatsoever! you aren’t the first and you won’t be the last to be worried, scared, confused, hopeful, and i hope that last one takes up the most space. we just have to be patient - self-discipline is our survival. i love love love you, thank you so much again for trusting me enough to come to me!!

#answered #anonymous #bombast #i feel so bad i think this is a lot less coherent and helpful than my last answer but i didn't want to keep you waiting longer #i just ask that you be careful and always put yourself first #you're always allowed to do that #take care my dear ok?