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dollopheadsandclotpoles · 2 days

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Even after all this time and awareness, it feels like asexuality is still not treated like a proper sexuality. Recently had a girl tell me that she was at a place where she ‘felt so asexual’ because all the other girls were so beautiful and guys were ignoring her because of it. She didn’t know I was asexual and I didn’t take offence (I know she didn't meant it in a malicious way) but it does feel uncomfortable that people are using ‘asexual’ in lieu of ‘unattractive' or 'lacking sexual appeal.' It's really giving 90's/early 2000's slang of using 'gay' to mean 'lame.' Even shows like Brooklyn 99 which took immense pride in being progressive with their comedy, had an episode where one of the characters says "Oh, and I'm sorry if we implied you're both asexual nerds who can only be friends with service animals."

I have mentioned this before also, when I talked about how I feel like people are more comfortable erasing the identities of canonical aro/ace characters in media but act like it's unacceptable with other sexualities... but it does feel like asexuality (and aromanticism tbh) are still not considered 'real' sexualities. In the case of shipping fictional characters, I understand there is nuance to that issue and so don't want to get into it, but it does kinda add to my point.

Why is it that people treat asexuality like it's not a sexuality? Why is it that when I come out to people I'm met with insistence that I'm wrong about my sexuality, that I'm 'self diagnosing' (it's not a medical condition), that I'm probably 'just inexperienced' or haven't 'met the right person' or have a hormone issue? Why can't people just accept that it's a sexuality like any other??

#asexual #ace stuff #aroace tag #asexuality #ace #don't mind me just needed to vent #just tagging asexuality because it was that 'felt so asexual' comment that made me feel this #but I think it does extend to aromanticism as well #but who knows at least for me I can no longer tell where the ace ends and the aro begins

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thediamondarcher · 2 months

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Tumblr you know what would be a really good "valentines present"...

#droping this rn #aroace tag #aroace #asexual #aromantic #aro #ace #aroace spectrum #i know it's upsidedown but lets ignore that for now

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bizarreaizen · 10 months

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me before realizing i'm aroace: why is everyone so obsessed with romance? sex sounds so gross. i don't want to have kids or marry anyone. why do people my age care so much about crushes? i don't want to date anyone.

me after realizing i'm aroace: it all makes sense now.

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bogkeep · 1 year

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a last little thing for aro week - redraw of a poem from 2014.

transcript under the cut:

I refuse to see that my life is led

in expectation of the day I wed

I am more than just a bride

or the groom by their side

I am sick of being told to wait

that life can't start until that late

doubting my own happiness

as if what I feel is somehow less

in this bright wide world to explore

I'm sure to learn much and then some more

it doesn't matter who I'll meet

don't you think I'm already complete?

#aromantic #aroace tag #art #haiz writes #i've changed a lot since i wrote this nearly a decade ago #but i'm still feelin it!!#i hope it doesnt come off as anti marriage or anything it's just. yknow. the Narrative #aro awareness week

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quitefair · 4 months

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Anyway. Aro and Ace Resources upon ye.

Since we're almost at 2024, and coming out of all this horrendous aphobic discourse, I thought I'd put together a bunch of aromantic + asexual resources for people who are maybe questioning themselves, or want to know more (heck yes for learning!) Most of these are long form (Youtube videos/articles) because that's how I feel is best for learning, compared to shorter form content like TikTok.

Long post, resources under the cut!

Yasmin Benoit (she/her, aromantic asexual)

The first asexual activist I stumbled across all those years ago. She was infamously the reason for a lot of aphobic comments on twitter, because hey, she's also a lingerie model, and lord forbid somebody who identifies as asexual present... yknow. Sexy.

She's also a researcher, who's putting in the effort to depathologise asexuality and aromanticism, especially within psychiatry and mental health.

Youtube

Instagram

Website

Ace Dad Advice (they/them, asexual/agender/queer)

AceDad is one of my favourite a-spec activists. Their simple, easily digestible posts on Instagram outlining the various aspects of asexuality, aromanticism and agender (the triple As lmao) are a comfort to read. There's also lots of affirming stuff on there that's helped me with my own spiraling thoughts.

They've also written a book about asexuality! Which is one that I've yet to read, but am looking forward to.

Youtube

Instagram

Website

Spacey Aces

A collective of neurodivergent a-spec humans making videos on asexuality, aromanticism, queer platonic relationships, neurodivergence... a whole lotta fun stuff! Their videos are soft and comforting and very affirming.

Youtube

Instagram

Nik Hampshire (he/him, aromantic)

So Nik doesn't make Youtube videos anymore, but he's done a series on what it means to be aromantic but not asexual, which I feel is super important to add to the online conversation! This one's for all the allo/aros out there, he's chill and confident and talks about things in a very enthusiastic way. Love him!

Youtube

Instagram

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Misc videos (I'm sure you've seen these around before)

Jayden Animation's coming out video

Being AroAce Doesn't Ruin Your Life | Alice Oseman's Loveless by shaggyjebus

Rowan Ellis' interview with Alice Oseman (author of Heartstopper, who is herself aroace)

Anthony Padilla

I spent a day with asexual people

I spent a day with aromantic people

(the titles are a little clickbaity, but trust me the conversation is honest and respectful. anthony is honestly such a good interviewer.)

The Sci Guys

Science of Asexuality

Science of Aromantics

bmudangel

My experience being Aromantic Asexual (AROACE)

I’m Happy To Be Aromantic Asexual

How being aromantic asexual affects my daily life

Questions Aromantic Asexuals Get Asked (Part 1)

#aromantic #asexuality #aroace #aspec #asexual #resources #reference #had this sitting in my drafts for a couple days now and needed to set it free lmao #happy new year lets be aggressively queer in 2024 #aroace tag

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aroace-cat-lady · 2 years

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Yes, im aroace. Yes, its contagious. Yes, you better stay the fuck away from me if you think that being aroace is so terrible.

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sir-arlieosaurus-lung-struggler · 5 months

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I think I always subconsciously tried to shove my lack of attraction away. Before I knew I was aro I was like "this is a chrush- right?". When I originally realized I was aro I thought "maybe I'm on the side of *some romantic attraction* on spectrum?" I thought "I might have SOME chance at a romantic relationship, right?"

Then I realized how all the relashionships I've been around & grew up around have been, like, kinda horrible & like- you know what I'm good thx <2

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supersymmetries · 22 days

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happy ace day musers!

#asexual #i post #aroace tag

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asexual-juliet · 3 months

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do u guys think my high school boyfriend that i broke up with because i realized i was aroace knew when he ended his note in my senior yearbook with “always be yourself” a month after i came out that it would move me to tears and live in my memory as one of the first positive feelings i ever experienced about being aroace. do u guys think he knows that i will be thinking about it with immense gratitude for the rest of my life.

#aro #ace #aroace #aromantic #asexual #queer #aroace tag #queer tag

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the-force-awakens · 5 months

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sorry sorry I'm still riding the high of yesterday's episode. do you know? do you know what it's like to be aroace and queerplatonic to watch that ending? I'm going to get personal on main for a second - despite the fact that I am in the most wonderful, most loving, best relationship with my dearest friends my actual true norths and my soulmates, despite all our plans for the future — I've spent so long unable to imagine a happy future for myself, because I thought "I'll always be the one without a romantic partner so I will always be the outsider and never truly belong and my feelings for them don't matter as much because it's not just straight friendship and it's not even romantic so how selfish of me is it to want a relationship with the level of commitment that a romantic one has, when I can't even feel those things?"

and it's not even that I necessarily want a romantic partner, I just had it drilled into my head that I wouldn't be happy and that I'd never belong. That I still wouldn't fit in with the people I hold most dear in my life. The internalized arophobia was so strong that I was actually crushed when I realized my queerplatonic attraction wasn't romantic attraction.

(and I do know my feelings matter bc I've got great partners who constantly reinforce that and I love them dearly for it, it's just hard to remember)

And after a year (or more) of seeing people value romantic relationships on here more than interpretations of friendship or qprs, of watching shows bend itself over backwards to make sure no one is single because clearly the only thing that matters in life is a romantic relationship — having Doctor Who come out of the gate with three entire episodes dedicated to the galaxy shaping, profound, pure and strong adoration that the Doctor and Donna have for each other was a breath of fresh air.

But yesterday's episode? Oh my god. When Donna said he could come home I had to pause the episode because I broke down sobbing. I wept for so fucking long yesterday because it was the most cathartic, affirming thing I had ever watched in my entire life — because the Doctor loves Donna and Donna loves the Doctor and that is held just as equally as her love for her family and her husband, and it is treated as the thing that the Doctor needs and wants the most. Donna knew her life wasn't complete because her best friend wasn't there.

Doctor Who looked every single queerplatonic aroace in the eyes and said "actually, the future is a garden full of the people you love, and you're right in the middle of that family, loved and understood and exactly where you belong" and it's the most fucking healing thing I've ever had the privilege of watching, and I'm pretty sure it threw out some of the internalized arophobia I carry.

#i have not bawled my eyes out SO heavily during a doctor who episode since totd and thats when /my/ doctor regenerated #okay that. This episode is everything. its everything #im never going to shut up about it #nym speaks #doctor who #dw spoilers #aroace tag #it was just. yeah. yeah.#y e a h.#it was also such a nice change of pace for a lot of recent stuff ive seen where its like 'and then they go their separate ways fuck found #family' but that's neither here nor there

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dollopheadsandclotpoles · 11 months

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Saw a reddit post today about a girl who was upset that her childhood best friend replaced a photo of the two of them in his wallet with one of him and his girlfriend. And while yeah, she was being unreasonable with a lot of what she was saying, I totally understand the sadness of a friend "replacing" you with someone they have romantic feelings for. Makes it worse when the top comment is this

Every single comment on this post is about how family and romantic relationships always take precedence over friendships. I don't have anything more to say to this aside from the fact that... this is why it's hard for aroaces to imagine futures for themselves. Society drills it into your head that you're going to live in a world where you are no one's priority if you don't have romantic relationships and it fucking sucks

#you know what's validating though #Daniel Sloss's bit on his best girl friend... the STARK opposite of this #aro stuff #ace stuff #aroace tag #aromantic #asexual #aroace #aro #ace #asexuality #aromanticism #i feel like I ought to add more and make this like a powerful essay #but it's too late rn i'm too tired

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thediamondarcher · 2 months

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"it's just a tag" "I'm aroace and I don't want my sexuality to be a Tumblr thing"

Tumblr has literally one of the biggest aroace communities when it comes to social media, having more information along with a community can help other people find out who they are, which is really important. If you don't want the tag to have the flag pattern, that's a you problem. Our sexuality having more relevance and representation as every other sexuality is really important and especially when we're talking about the social media with the biggest amount of aroace users

#aroace #aroace representation #aroace tag #aro #ace #aromantic #asexual #valentines day #not related but yk #lgbtia+#lgbtia

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bizarreaizen · 9 months

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one of my biggest fears is being forgotten when your friends get romantic partners.

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bogkeep · 1 year

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HAIZ EXPLAINS AMATONORMATIVITY: REDUX

it's 2014. a teenager rummages through the newspaper at breakfast. they're looking for comic strips, but instead see the headline of the sports pages, proclaiming some famous sports guy is "NOT INTERESTED IN RELATIONSHIPS RIGHT NOW."

"really?" thinks the young haiz, "that's meant to be news? the sports news??"

it's not like they'd ever read the sports pages before, but the scandal in that headline would not leave their brain zeitgeist of the day. it was a metaphorical pebble thrown at them — not the first, but the one that made them go "HEY. STOP THAT???" so they took to the keyboard to yell into the void to hey, stop that.

then the void responded.

what i wrote that day was probably one of the first posts about amatonormativity to make rounds on tumblr. i did not expect it to get thousands of notes, and it's no longer on my blog. even though the majority of the response to it was positive, i wouldn't want to bring it back, because

- it was written in a very 2014 way

- with very 2014 thoughts

- some people were really cruel to me for writing it

- i still can't read it without wincing

but:

i can write a new one.

this is not an argument about who is or isn't oppressed. that is not an argument i'm interested in entertaining, and it's not what this post is about. human life on earth is incredibly diverse and complex and i'm just here to-

OH MY GOD WHAT IS AMATONORMATIVITY ALREADY

okay so amatonormativity is like. the idea that A Lasting, Monogamous & Exclusive Romantic Relationship is the most important type of relationship in the entire world and the thing we should all strive for in our lives. (insert obligatory "the term was coined by professor elizabeth brake in the book minimizing marriage" here.)

it's not exclusively an "omg it's so hard to be aro :(" thing, because it's like, an all-encompassing Narrative foisted upon us that shapes the way we view and talk about relationships, and it does everyone a disservice (as is the case with all Normativities! we want to break 'em ALL down!! for everyone!!!!!!). nor is it intended to make people feel bad for wanting long-lasting monogamous romantic relationships! that's your personal business and i wish you well!

(it IS kind of hard to be aro in a world that constantly argues that you're lacking The Most Important Experience That Makes You Human And Life Worth Living though. not gonna lie.)

- an easy example is how the word Love is, in a Lot of instances, for a Lot of people, basically synonymous with Red Hearts Kissy Kissy Smooch Smooch. like we ALL KNOW love is more than that, we love friends and family and strangers who were nice to us that one time and our pets and our favourite foods and our favourite shows. you kind of have to clarify when you mean Love in any other way than Romantic Love. which is wild, considering how Love is such a vast emotion that covers a lot of ground, and it keeps zeroing in on this specific kind.

- related to that, i have a whole internalised powerpoint presentation about how, if you put all of your relationships with other people in a pie chart, the Romantic Partner slice is likely to be very small compared to the Family slice and Friend slice and Acquaintance slice and all these other connections you have - yet it has, comparatively, a LOT of publicity and framework that some of the other categories find themself lacking. yes, a romantic partner/s is/are someone you're likely to share a lot of time and life with, so it makes some sense for sure - but not everyone has romantic partners, or the same priorities as far as commitment goes.

- the stigmatisation of being single/unpartnered. i get the impression that a lot of people have stayed in unsatisfactory relationships because it sounds better than the Dreadful, Terrible Alternative of Not Being In A Relationship. i think there has been a lot of pushback against this particular mindset in recent years, always flaring up around valentine's day for some reason - but it still feels like it's expected to be a Temporary State, not something you'd choose or prefer.

- romance as a Humanising Component in storytelling. say you've got some sort of non-human character, such as a Robot or a Beast. what is the easiest way for them to gain Personhood in the eyes of the audience? probably by falling in love, because falling in love is the Most Human Thing There Is. i think this also extends to queer stories in a similar way - a queer romance may win over a non-queer audience in a way other queer narratives may not, an "oh they're just like us" moment, if you will. these aren't bad stories to have, and queer romances are important stories to tell! it's just... tinged with a taste of "very well.... if it's TRUE LOVE... i can find it in me to extend some compassion......."

(and! on the flipside! an easy way to dehumanise an antagonist is to be like "AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN FEEL LOVE THEY JUST HAD NO HEART THEY WERE SO INHUMAN ")

(speaking of stories you know when a series ends and they partner up all the remaining single characters in a hurry or in the epilogue because god forbid they dON'T GET PARTNERS)

- you know how the reason for legalizing same-sex marriage wasn't because marriage is THE ULTIMATE EXPRESSION TRUE LOVE, but because it comes with a lot of legal rights such as tax benefits and hospital visitation rights? and uhhhhh isn't it kind of weird that marriage is the One thing that gives u a lot of those rights and it's 1) still presented as The Ultimate Expression Of True Love And The End Goal Of Life rather than a legal contract, and 2) not available to everyone? I THINK IT'S KIND OF WEIRD.

- polyamorous relationships are also stigmatised & there's a lot of work to do when it comes to marriage & parental rights for polyamorous couples. i'm sure one could write an entire list on this topic from a polyam/relationship anarchy angle.

- the stigma against sex In General is rooted in so many things, and i believe that a huge part of breaking down amatonormativity is to destigmatize casual sex, sexual relationships that aren't romantic, sex work + sex worker rights & everything in this category. thinking about sex as a thing you can/should only do with the love of your life after you're married hasn't served us very well, i think.

- the idea that our entire life is building up to The One Important Relationship is garbage. we have a lot of relationships in our lives, many of them temporary, and all of them matter to us in some way. you are not a half looking for another half to complete you - even the most compatible person on the earth is still going to be a human person who is flawed and ever changing.

- ok so there's a thing that happens when people want to prove a gay couple is Actually Dating and not Just Gal Pals and it's like "WOULD FRIENDS EVER DO THIS???" referring to some kind of intimate moment - and it's like, i get what you're trying to prove, but... some friends Would Do That, Actually. there is no act on earth wholly exclusive to romantic relationships. i subscribe to the idea that everyone gets to decide how they define their relationships, and what boundaries they have for each kind. maybe they WILL kiss their homies on the lips. with tongue.

- queerplatonic relationships: not only did we have to create a term for a Kind of committed relationship that isn't a romantic one, but we have to fight the deluge of "but that's just dating!!!!!" and "that's just having a best friend!!!!" - the thing is, it CAN be those things if you choose to, or it can be A Secret Third Thing. the way i see it, a queerplatonic relationship is just a Framework you can apply to a relationship that's like, There, but doesn't seem to fully fit into existing categories. because the human experience is vast and weird! i think it's unfair and kinda normative to reduce it to "dating, but for aros" - an Oddly Intimate Connection That Is Hard To Categorize can befall anyone, and as i presented in my pie chart theory, we don't have a lot of framework to discuss them.

that's all i've got for today. i hope this was enlightening or affirming for some <3

#amatonormativity #aroace tag #too long for twitter #ive tried editing but i'm too sleepy to finecomb this so im just going to release it into the wilds #happy aro awareness week #long post

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bbeeew · 7 months

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i need to rant about how much the aro/ace flag SUCKS

For context I'm not around/across phobic, I am one myself

Like, we have green and purple, make the fald with those two if you are designing it the way the commonly used one is

And even then I'm a little iffy about it because using an aro/ace flag doesn't really show the diversity in the community

I might be overthinking this but it's like saying that the romantic attraction you feel and the sexual attraction you feel are the same, which is rarely the case.

(also if anyone could tell me where the aroace flag came from that'd be great I'm very interested)

Edit: I have since been educated, for those who wish to learn please check the comments under this post, thank you (I also cut out some unessisaty bits)

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monsterhunting · 4 months

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thinking currently of aroace stoncy concepts…..

steve dating around pre s1 which gives him this popular heartthrob player reputation, but no one catches on that he never puts out on his dates bc it never feels right…until he starts dating nancy. when he finally develops feelings for jonathan he’s surprised not because it’s another guy but because it’s another person who isn’t nancy

jonathan realizing he’s uninterested in sex and suggesting he and nancy open their relationship. nancy starts something with steve, and jonathan worries nancy will realize steve alone is enough for her and break things off with jonathan completely. his worries are forgotten when nancy seems happy and when steve seems really cool with the whole thing and starts trying to get to know jonathan and spend time with him even when nancy isn’t around. then steve invites him to a nice place for dinner and Jonathan says yes without thinking and then wakes up in a cold sweat the next morning like “wait. am i also dating steve?”

aromantic nancy who can’t understand why she gets this feeling of dread whenever steve or jonathan tell her how they feel about her and hates the idea of them arguing about her or waiting to see who she chooses. and yet it feels so simple and right when it’s the three of them together —grabbing dinner at the diner or going to the movies or accidentally falling asleep tangled up together on steve’s couch — just three people who went through something together and are important to each other in ways that are hard to define

asexual jonathan who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. nancy and steve are dating and jonathan has feelings for nancy but hasn’t acted on it. it takes him longer to realize he has feelings for steve too and when he does he’s nervous because steve has a reputation and wouldn’t he want to be with someone who can stroke his ego and appreciate his looks or whatever??? but everyone in steve’s life up to a certain point only liked him because he was popular or because he had rich parents or because of his looks and never actually liked him because of him so for steve to realize jonathan likes him solely because of who he is, that he has two partners who appreciate who he is as a person, means a lot to him

#stoncy #stranger things #steve Harrington #nancy wheeler #jonathan Byers #aroace tag #sorry. many thoughts #also I’m normally a romantic stoncy girlie but aromantic nancy is kinda very important to me #text

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