#another tumblr rant when i could be doing something productive
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Thinking about how Matt Lang mentioned rerunning TGWDLM.
Obviously, there'd have to be changes. Not just in the casting, but in every aspect of the show just due to the nature of how Hatchetfield has expanded and how TGWDLM has aged.
Now that we know for sure that the events in TGWDLM happened because of Pokey, I think they'd design the show even more around the colour blue instead of green like in the original promotional material. This also gives Matt Dahan so much more to work with when it comes to underscoring, think of all the motifs he has to sneak into the scenes now.
Hidgens would have to be recasted, and while there's plenty of options, I think after Workin' Boys he has to be played by Jeff Blim. I don't know if anyone can ever top what Jeff did in WB. Of course, that would mean that Jeff's original TGWDLM characters would need to be recasted as well. Mr. Davidson has not been seen in HF since TGWDLM (save for the small BF cameo), so it wouldn't be hard to find someone new for that role. Sam Sweetly is more difficult because of his appearances in Nightmare Time and the pre-recorded NPMD cameo, but it's impossible to have Jeff play both Hidgens and Sam in the same scene so he would still most likely be recasted.
The only Jeff character that would need to stay the same is General John Macnamara, that's another permanently Jeff character, in my opinion. The show would require some rearranging so that the Macnamara and Hidgens scenes weren't back to back this way. Between TGWDLM and BF, Macnamara went through a lot of character development and Jeff really discovered who he was by the second show, so it would be super interesting to see him interacting with Paul again now that we've learned so much more about the guy.
Now that Hatchetfield has expanded so much, I think it would be really fun to bring in new characters that we've met since TGWDLM happened. They should include Curt Mega as Officer Bailey in Show Me Your Hands, since we know he canonically works alongside Sweetly. Bring in James Tolbert during the PEIP scene as Xander Lee. Even just the people on the streets in La Dee Dah Dah Day, imagine the amount of cameos that could come into play there. Kim Whalen dances in as Becky Barnes, Angela Giarratana is Grace Chasity, all these well-known characters that we never saw during TGWDLM before making small appearances as they were already infected by the hive mind.
Speaking of the La Dee Dah Dah Day number, it would be fucking awesome to get Joey Richter back in the Pete Spankoffski costume for the coffee shop scene to do the hot chocolate boy bit.
I also just think a new perspective on the show will change so much of the context. Like Emma discussing Jane, we now know Jane's family with Tom and Tim. We're now very familiar with Ted's little brother, a character we had no idea existed during TGWDLM (think about Ted's little freak out over Alice being dead at Hatchetfield High...). We had no idea that this apocalypse was brought on by one of the Lords in Black.
Anyways. I agree with Matt, they should definitely bring The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals back for another run of the show.
#j screams#another tumblr rant when i could be doing something productive#starkid#hatchetfield#the guy who didn't like musicals
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The Five Stages of Grief - Bang Chan Oneshot Fanfic
(And a second cover because I couldn't decide)
General Masterlist
Pairing: Bang Chan (Stray Kids) x OC/Reader (Story is written in 2nd person, no name is mentioned)
Genre: angst
Word Count: ~10k
Warnings: death, devastatingly sad, mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts. No comfort, although it does end in a positive note. Ending is hopeful if you squint.
This is just a story that doesn’t describe Bang Chan or other mentioned Stray Kids’ members true characters in any way. It’s just a product of my imagination and should be treated as such.
This story is also on Wattpad (click here) and AO3 (click here)
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A/N: As any other writer out there, I would appreciate reblogs and your comments on this story. Please let me know if you enjoyed it, and most importantly, have fun!
© all rights reserved by skzhocomments (Tumblr), skzho (Tumblr)/ storminsidemycore (Wattpad), storminsidemycore (AO3)
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The Five Stages of Grief
---
“Hey Channie!” You entered his studio with a smile plastered on your face, that soon enough turned into a frown when you noticed your boyfriend of almost 5 years hasn’t even acknowledged your presence.
He tended to do that a lot, especially when working on new comebacks. His whole focus was on that damn computer which you were sure by now was your life-sworn enemy. It’s hard having to compete with a screen to get your boyfriend’s attention, but such was life sometimes, and there was nothing you could do about it.
You knew the risks that came with dating an idol, you just didn’t know how much worse it could be if you were to date a workaholic, perfectionist idol.
This was Chan.
He spent hours and hours and hours cramped in his small studio, perfecting beats, arranging vocals, switching up different rhythms and trying to figure out what could work out and have the most success between his fans.
“Have you eaten?” You asked, kissing his cheek, and only then did he notice you’re there, and pulled out his headphones.
“Oh, hi. Didn’t see you come in.” Was all he said, his face scrunched in concentration. “Did you say something?”
“Just asked if you’ve had dinner yet.”
He must’ve, right? It was well past 11 pm, but one of his bad habits was working himself to death, and more often than not, he would skip meal times entirely simply because he wasn’t good at keeping track of time.
“I had a protein bar earlier.” He shrugged.
“Want me to order you something? Or even better, why don’t we both head home?” You asked with a smile, trying to be convincing enough for your boyfriend.
It usually worked.
He would normally laugh off your attempts to be nice and realise that you’re just trying to take care of him, and he would comply and go home with you for the night, then resume his work the next day.
Once you’d be home, he would crash immediately, proof of how tired he’d been and how much he’d ignored his body’s needs. His sheer determination was scary.
However, none of this happened tonight. He rolled his eyes and muttered a small “There she goes again.”
You played it off, though, realising he probably didn’t mean for you to hear that. Brave on his part, you thought, in such a small quiet studio.
“What is that supposed to mean?” You asked, your tone still friendly, as if you were joking with him.
What you didn’t expect was for him to turn his whole chair towards you, his expression angrier than you’ve ever seen him.
“You heard me. God, it’s so frustrating having you come here all the time bossing me around. Eat! Sleep! Stop working! Can’t you see I’m busy?!” He ranted, pointing towards his computer screen.
“Wow, sorry, Mr. Busy.” You chuckled, despite being slightly angry with his words.
He doesn’t mean them. You told yourself. This is another one of his bad habits: bursting out and speaking cruel words whenever he’s extremely stressed and has tight deadlines. It hadn’t happened often, only a handful of times in your years long relationship, but it hurt nonetheless whenever it did.
“And there you go mocking me.” He rolled his eyes at you. “It’s like you don’t even care about the work I’m doing.”
“It’s not that, Chan. You know how much I value your work, it’s just-”
“Yeah, bullshit.” He laughs. “If you would, you’d stop barging in here demanding things from me when you know I have stuff to do.”
“Hey, I know you had a tough couple of days with the comeback and all, but there’s no need for you to take it out on my like this.” You crossed your arms in front of your chest, this time feeling genuinely upset. It’s like he’s escalating it on purpose.
“No, it’s not just a tough couple of days. Don’t you get it? You do this shit all the time, and I’m frankly sick and tired of it. Can’t you just leave me be for once and stop being so controlling?”
“Controlling?” You asked, baffled. “How am I controlling, huh? By making sure you eat and sleep when you’re supposed to?”
“How do you even know what I’m supposed to do?! You always think you know best, but you never fucking consider any of my needs and wants.”
“Literally everything I do is fucking consider your needs, Chan.” You answered coldly.
“No. You’re just too deep in your head and can’t fucking figure out when to back down, so I’m telling you. Stop telling me what to do and leave me alone if I’m busy. God, I don’t need this shit.”
He mumbled the last sentence and put his headphones back in, turning his attention back to the screen.
Maybe you shouldn’t have done what you did next, but he hurt you, and you didn’t like the way your conversation apparently ended. You wanted to know what he meant, so you grabbed his headphones’ wire and pulled them out of his ears forcefully.
The way he turned to you and the look he threw you almost made your blood freeze, but you were far too upset to care about upsetting him anymore.
“What exactly don’t you need, huh? What is this shit, exactly?!” You gestured with your hands.
“You can’t fucking let it go, can you?” He laughed in a baffled way.
“No, unless you tell me what this shit is.”
“This. Us. Everything. I’m really fucking done with how overbearing you’re being. I was doing fine before I met you, and I sure as hell do just fine without you over my head every fucking minute of the day.”
“Oh, is that so?” You asked, expressionless.
He hurt you, but by his anger still present on his features, you realised it’s all pointless. You’re not going to see eye to eye tonight.
“Do you want to break up?” You let out, the words burning your tongue, and Chan’s eyes widen.
“What? No! Fuck, you twist my words.” He sighs, exasperated. “Just leave. Let’s talk about it tomorrow.”
When he doesn’t say anything else, you let out a shaky breath and watch him put his headphones back in.
“Oh, and this?” He starts, pointing to one end of the headphones. “Never do this shit again.”
You watch silently how he turns his chair to look back at the damn screen, without caring that you’re still there in the room.
The discussion is over.
“I see. Fine. I’ll go.” You let out, tears beginning to spill down your cheeks. He didn’t see them, and it felt like he didn’t even care that he’s made you cry.
You quietly made your way out of the room, your sight too blurry to see anything, and you headed home.
---
Denial
---
Chan’s eyes are beginning to sting painfully, and after rubbing them and checking the time, he figures out why.
It’s way over 5 AM when he decides to finally leave the studio, and although it’s still dark out, the streets are already starting to get filled with people hurrying to whatever painful morning shift they are scheduled for.
It takes him about 20 minutes to get back to your shared apartment, and when he does, nothing seems unusual at first.
The house is expectedly quiet, it being so early in the morning, and he already imagines how deep in sleep you must be by now.
He feels guilty for how he treated you, that he let the anger consume him once again, and he regrets it. He always regrets it when he lets stress get the better of him.
As he heads towards the bathroom to wash the harsh day off his skin, he starts thinking about how he could make it up to you. Should he buy you flowers and bring you breakfast in bed in 4 hours when you’ll most likely get up?
Although he hasn’t slept at all.
Should he take you out on a date after he’s well rested? There was this restaurant you mentioned a couple of times that you wanted to try, but he didn’t have enough time to take you there to eat yet, not with all the planned comebacks and the work that keeps piling up.
Maybe tomorrow is finally the day.
He finishes his shower and rubs his eyes again, and God, how tired he is, just as usual when he pulls out all-nighters. Everything seems ordinary, but as he opens the bedroom door, however, something is unusual.
You are not there.
Confused, he takes out his phone to check for any messages you might’ve sent him, but upon noticing there’s no new notifications, he throws the phone on the bed, screen down, defeated.
Did you really think he wants to break up? Did you finally have enough and left him?
He knows he treated you badly tonight, but he thought it’s just a small drop in an ocean of happiness. Arguments are unavoidable, unfortunately, and he can’t always be the perfectly composed man he’s striving to become.
Would you really leave after a couple of cruel words he didn’t even mean? He starts asking himself as he gets into bed. Surely you know how much he loves and needs you there for him. It was just a bad night, that’s all.
Maybe you just wanted some space, and decided to head to a friend, or to a hotel or something.
He thinks about calling you, but with how late it is – or rather, how early – he knows he’d just disturb you or any of your friends you would’ve gone to if he were to call.
He decides to go to sleep instead and figure it all out tomorrow morning, when his mind is clearer, and when you’ve both had enough time to cool down.
~
His head is pounding with pain as he opens his eyes and feels multiple pulsations against all sides of his skull.
This is the worst migraine he’s ever had, and he realises how right you were when trying to convince him to go to sleep early. He really needed more sleep.
He grabs his phone to check the time, and when he does, he sees it’s flooding with notifications. His manager called him about a dozen times, starting at 8 AM and continuing up until 15 minutes ago, and he has multiple missed calls and messages from all the members.
Ugh, it’s only 10.
Did I have a schedule I’ve forgotten about? He wonders, rubbing his eyes confused, but checking the date, he knows it’s his day off.
He decides to head to the bathroom and freshen up, while picking up his phone and dialling his manager’s number.
He reaches the bathroom and puts toothpaste on his brush, and by the time the phone rang two times, his manager picks up.
“Chan! Where are you?” He asks, his voice hurried. “Why haven’t you picked up?”
He begins lazily brushing his teeth and checks the date again, and sure enough, it’s his free day. There’s nothing in his schedule.
“Huh? What do you mean?” He asks, his voice still ridden with sleep, still tired from the lack of rest. “It’s my day off.”
“Are you at home?”
“Yes. Where else?”
“Good. That’s… okay. Have you talked to anyone yet?”
“No…? You’re acting weird. What’s going on?”
“Listen, Chan. Something… something bad happened. I need you to sit down for a moment, okay?”
“Okay...?” Chan nods absent-mindedly, continuing to brush his teeth, oblivious about what’s coming.
“Last night… God, I don’t even know how to break this to you, so I’ll just say it. Do note that the company will do its best to assist you and-”
“Cut to the chase. What’s wrong?” Chris asks, starting to get worried. He finishes brushing his teeth, and just as he prepares to put the toothbrush down, his manager’s next words make him drop it to the floor instead.
“Your girlfriend passed away last night. She was hit by a drunk driver on a crosswalk, and although an ambulance got there in less than 2 minutes, she was already… I’m sorry.”
The line falls silent as Chan tries to process what his manager just said. The only sound in the room is made by the toothbrush hitting the bathroom’s white floor tiles.
Chan heard wrong. There’s no other explanation.
“That can’t be.” He dismisses his manager completely. “She was just with me in the studio last night, and then she came-”
Home. But you weren’t home.
“She must’ve gone to a hotel or something.”
“Chan… I’m truly, truly sorry. As I said, we’re going to support you through this tough time with everything we’ve got.”
What tough time? Chan wants to ask but stays silent instead.
He picks the discarded toothbrush from the floor and throws it away. How careless he’s been, dropping it.
He wants to chuckle at his stupidity, and he can’t wait to tell you about it. You’re going to nag him again for being careless and dropping things. This is the 3rd toothbrush he’s changing this month.
“Oh, God! Again?” He can already picture you with an amused expression on your face, your arms crossed. “You’re always dropping stuff on the floor!”
The thought brings the ghost of a smile on his face, and he starts wondering again where you might be. Surely your manager is mistaken.
“Her parents tried getting in touch with you, but they said you didn’t pick up. You should give them a call.” His manager continues to say. “From what they’ve told us, the funeral will be held tomorrow morning. JYPE offered to pay for all expenses. Anyways, this must be too much information to swallow for now, so I’ll come pick you up in 20 minutes and we can go to the company together. The rest of the boys are already here.”
“Okay, see you in 20 minutes.” Chan replies, not really understanding what’s happening.
He ignores the countless missed calls and messages and opens his call history to dial your number instead.
It goes straight to voice mail.
~
“Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?”You chuckled, asking him with an unsure look on your face.
“Yes. The beep-”
“Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!” You cheerfully said, ending the recording with a small laugh.
“Are you going to keep it like that?” He asked amused.
“Why not? It’s straight to the point!”
“You left my voice in it, though.”
“Oh, does it bother you? I can record again if you want me to.”
“No, no need. I just – isn’t it a bit weird?” He chuckled. “You even forgot to say your name.”
“Whatever.” You waved a dismissive hand in the air. “If they called my number, they know who they’re calling.”
“Fair enough.” He laughed.
~
‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?
Yes. The beep-
Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’
He chuckles absent-mindedly at the memory of him teaching you how to record a message redirecting your callers to leave a voice mail. You’ve never been good at technology.
“Hi, babe. Can you please call me? I need to talk to you.” He says, deciding to leave a message, even though he isn’t convinced that you’ll get to hear it. You usually forget to check your voice mail.
He tries calling again, just for good measure.
‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?’
Yes. The beep-
Oh, right! Thanks for-‘
And again.
‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly’?
Yes. The beep-‘
And again.
‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?’
Yes.’
‘Hello! You’ve called…’
‘Hello!’
He throws his phone on the bed exasperated. Why aren’t you picking up?
You didn’t even come home last night, why is your phone turned off?
Do you want to somehow punish him for being cruel and make him worry?
He shakes his head confused and begins changing his clothes from the comfortable pyjamas to an appropriate enough outfit to go to the company.
It should be a crime to have to go so early in the morning anywhere on your day off.
When he’s done and he looks somewhat presentable, he picks his phone back up and dials your number again.
‘Hello! You’ve called-’
He cancels the call just when he hears a knock on his door, and opening it, his manager is looking at him sombrely.
“Hi.” Chris speaks first, but his manager doesn’t say anything. He just pulls him into a hug that lasts way too long, Chan thinks.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.” He finally says after pulling away.
Chan doesn’t know what to reply, so he opts to just stay silent. His manager’s words don’t register in his head anyway; maybe he’s still tired.
He did go to sleep way too late.
They head to the car, and although the ride to the company only lasts 20 minutes or so, the 20 minutes feel like an eternity.
It’s just as his manager said, and everyone else is already at the company. When he sees the boys, they come rushing to him, their faces tear-stained and their clothes black.
“Oh, Chris…” Felix hugs him tightly and starts crying, and Chan starts comforting him by patting his back a few times.
A few tears escape past his eyes as well by seeing all the boys so gloomy, but he still doesn’t seem to be able to wrap his hand around it.
“Her parents said the wake is taking place at their house, so that’s where we’re headed now. I thought it’s better for you to not go alone.” His manager blurts out.
Chris looks dejected for a few seconds, before taking out his phone again and dialling the familiar number. This time, he types it himself. He knows it by heart.
With a shaky hand, he puts it against his ear and waits to connect.
‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?
Yes. The beep-
Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’
It makes no sense.
You couldn’t possibly… have died.
You are so young. You have so many plans and so many things you still want to do.
He is supposed to apologize to you and pamper you the whole day just to make up to you for being an asshole last night. He is supposed to take you to that restaurant you’ve been bugging him about for weeks.
You can’t possibly be gone, just like that.
~
Your parents embrace Chris as soon as he steps through the door. They’re sobbing loudly, and there are so many people present – some, he recognises: old friends from middle school you’ve shown him pictures of, some other colleagues from university, some coworkers he had the pleasure of meeting at the last Christmas party held by your company, a few family members…
There are also many people he doesn’t recognise; people your age, and Chan gets reminded once again of how young you are, with your whole life ahead.
He shakes his head once he notices a coffin on the large table in your parents’ living room; the same table you’ve both ate at just two weeks ago when you’ve last visited.
“My baby, Chris is here to see you.” Your mother cries, approaching the coffin and pulling his hand to guide him towards it as well.
It’s closed shut, and on top of it, your picture stares at him with a happy smile. You are so beautiful; he’s always loved this picture of yours. He’s the one who took it, just after you’ve graduated Uni and he handed you a big bouquet of your favourite flowers, rose peonies. You said your eyes wrinkled in a weird way, and never liked it, but he absolutely adored it. It’s been his wall screen ever since.
The coffin is made of dark polished mahogany, and its lid is adorned with golden handles.
You can’t possibly be in there.
Although beautiful, how could such a small coffin hold the large essence of your soul?
It makes no sense whatsoever.
Your parents’ cries seem real enough, though.
He touches the top of the coffin and wonders why it’s closed. Why would it be closed, when you are so gorgeous? People should see you, not a simple picture.
He decides it must be because you’re simply not in it. Or if you are hiding in there, maybe it’s all a joke and you’re going to open it from the inside and yell Surprise!, shocking everyone in the room and making your mother faint. It’s something you’d do.
So, he waits.
He waits, and waits, and waits, and his feet grow tired and his back starts aching after so many hours on his feet. People come and go, paying respects, patting his shoulders and trying to make some small talk, talking about you in past tense.
“She was such a wonderful person.”
“She was so full of life.”
“Her laugh was so intoxicating.”
“Her work ethic was admirable.”
“She was so smart.”
He listens and nods to each of their words. They are right. You are a smart, wonderful person, you are full of life, your laugh is the best thing he’s ever heard. He’s wished more often than not to record it and put it in one of his tracks, but every time he’d mentioned it, you called him silly.
By the time your father brings him a chair and places it next to the coffin so he can sit down instead of standing, it’s already night out.
“You should get some rest, Chris. I’ll stay with her.” He tells him, placing his strong hand on Chan’s shoulder as to attract his attention, but Chan just shakes his head.
How could he go sleep when you might decide any time to wake up?
Would you panic, with the lid closed and all? You’ve always been claustrophobic. Why is it closed, anyway?
~
It’s already morning when one of your relatives approaches Chris and urges him to get out of the living room to change his clothes.
They’ve brought him a white suit at the request of your father; wedding attire, since you didn’t get the chance to get married before you passed.
He is reluctant to put on the white pants and uncomfortable suit jacket, but he does it anyway. Your mother cries when she sees him, and your father pats his shoulder and thanks him for doing this.
The priest comes, and a lot of your friends visit your home again, to lead you on your last journey, apparently.
It takes the priest about half an hour to finish praying for your soul, and then your coffin is loaded in the back of a hearse. The car moves slow enough for everyone to be able to follow, and Chris is walking right behind it, next to your parents. Felix is behind him with Lee Know and Changbin, and the rest of the boys are somewhere far back. He sticks out like a sore thumb, dressed in all white while everyone else is wearing black.
Each time the car passes next to important places in your life, the hearse stops and people throw coins on the ground. They pass by your kindergarten and your old school, and with each step, your mother cries harder. Your father tries his best to stay composed, but even he bursts into tears when your mother starts talking about your life and what a happy kid you were.
Chris doesn’t shed a tear. He follows the hearse blindly, and when it reaches the cemetery, he watches as his members take out the coffin and place it on the ground next to a large, freshly dug hole.
The priest begins a final prayer, and soon enough, he watches how the coffin disappears inside the hole. People start throwing soil and flowers. He doesn’t know how a couple of roses get in his hands, but he begins throwing them one by one on top of the coffin that keeps getting lowered down.
You’ve never liked roses that much. You like peonies. Why did someone hand him roses?
There is also some music – hymns, or the sorts. Something you wouldn’t like. He doesn’t like it either.
A few moments later, some people begin covering the coffin in dirt, and he watches the scene expressionless. It gets covered fairly quickly. People start crying even harder, and his ears start ringing.
He feels sick to his stomach, so he decides to take a few steps back as soon as the whole gets filled to the brim with the freshly dug soil.
“I can’t believe she’s truly gone. She was so young!” He hears a woman say from somewhere behind him. He doesn’t bother turning his head to check if he knows her or not.
“Right? We were talking just yesterday morning at work about going shopping this weekend.” Another woman replies in a quiet tone.
“They didn’t even open the casket.”
“How could they? Didn’t you hear how she passed?”
“No! What even happened?”
“She was apparently crossing the road and a car came out of nowhere, hitting her with more than 200 km/h. It threw her like 30 metres in the air.”
“Oh my God! I heard it was a car accident, but this…”
“Yeah! It’s insane. There was barely anything left of her… only shattered bones and flesh, nothing resembling a human.”
“Shh, what if someone hears you say that?!” The other woman tried to silence the first one.
After hearing these details, Chris feels even sicker.
He wants to throw up.
“Son, we are going to the reception now. Do you want to come with us in our car?” Your father approaches him, and Chris simply nods.
He hugs him for a few seconds, and then they wait for your mother to come, and the ride to the restaurant is filled with her sobs while your father and Chan remain expressionless.
~
He sits at a table next to your parents. Felix is on his left, and the rest of the boys and other members of JYPE are sitting nearby.
There is an empty space to his right, and in front of it, the table is full of your favourite foods, snacks and drinks.
His eyes are stuck on that empty seat.
“Wow, they really brought me a lot.” You chuckle, looking at Chris with your head supported by your right hand, your elbow against the table. “How am I supposed to eat all of this?”
He watches the scene stunned.
“What’s wrong, baby? Why the long face?” You ask, the smile on your face wider, raising a hand to caress his cheek.
The next time Chris blinks, you’re gone.
The seat is empty.
~
The boys insist that Chan comes with them to the dorms, or that at least some of them come home with him.
“It’s not good to be alone.” Hyunjin says sympathetically, and Chris simply shakes his head.
What if you come back home tired and want to rest, but the boys are there visiting? He asks himself. It wouldn’t be fair to you.
So, he goes home alone, after much bargaining with them that he needs some time on his own.
The silence that greets him once he opens the door to your shared apartment is deafening.
He first goes to the bedroom to check if you’re back yet, but the sheets stay as empty as when he woke up two days ago, so he pulls out his phone to dial your number again.
‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?
Yes. The beep-
Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’
The beep sound follows soon after, and he begins talking.
“Babe, I know you’re mad at me. I was wrong. I’m sorry. It’s time to come back home now. Please?”
A second beep follows, signalling that the time to record his message is over, so he ends the call. He ignores the countless notifications piling up on his screen, all the Condolences messages he’s been receiving, and he places the phone in his pocket and starts making the bed.
“Wow, well done, Channie! I’m impressed!” He can almost hear you chuckling, and turns his head towards the door, fully expecting you to be there laughing at him and praising him for doing the bare minimum, but there’s no one there.
Once the bed is made, he heads towards the living room. A half empty glass of water is on the table, its margins stained by your lipstick, next to a plate full of breadcrumbs.
Tsk, how messy. He rolls his eyes, knowing exactly why you haven’t cleaned up. You must’ve eaten in a rush again, this bad habit of yours.
You’re always complaining about stomach aches, but you keep eating on the go while getting ready for work in the morning, and never enjoy your meals.
He takes a picture of the crime scene and opens his phone again, shooting you a text.
“Forgot to clean up?” He asks, then attaches the picture of the plate and glass.
He knows you’ll probably laugh and start excusing yourself once you see it. If he were to check his gallery, half the pictures are surely of the dirty plates you simply forget about on the table.
Chris always washes them, but never fails to remind you of it.
This time, too, he takes the plate and glass to the sink and turns on the hot water. He rubs the plate with a dish sponge with way too much dish soap on it, and he hears your voice in the back of his head again:
“My, Channie! You’re so wasteful! You only need a drop. A single drop!!! What are you using so much dish soap for???”
He starts laughing as he grabs the glass and throws the half-drunk water out, but before washing it, he notices the lipstick stains again. He smiles to himself and sets the glass aside, wiping it off with a napkin, careful to not accidentally remove the stain.
Your lips left such a pretty mark, he doesn’t want to part with it yet, even if you are going to give him an earful later for not washing the glass properly.
When there is nothing else to do around the house, he opens his laptop and starts sorting out his emails. All of their schedules for the month have been cancelled, and their upcoming comeback postponed indefinitely.
He doesn’t think it’s necessary, but at the end of the day, the company’s rules must be followed. You’ve complained about him working too much anyway. Maybe this is the chance for you two to spend a bit more time together.
All he has to do now is wait for you to come back.
~
He waits.
And waits.
And waits…
Felix visits with Jisung and Seungmin the next day.
And then the next, Jeongin comes with Changbin and Hyunjin.
Minho drops by every morning with enough food to last Chris the whole day.
His manager comes once a week and makes sure to call him daily.
Whenever he’s on the phone, he paces around the empty apartment and looks around. He sees the jewellery you left on the coffee table; your sports shoes are still on the doormat in front of the door, your face creams and serums stay untouched in the bathroom, your hairbrush lays by the sink filled with loose hair, and there’s a half-ironed shirt on the ironing table in the dressing.
You don’t like other people touching your stuff, so he leaves everything just like that, waiting for you to come back and fix it all.
The glass with your lipstick stain on it is still there on the counter, next to the sink.
He’s texted you about a dozen of times since he first messaged you about it and the plate that’s long been washed, but you haven’t replied to a single text. Your phone still goes directly to voicemail, but worst of all… no matter how much he’s waiting…
… you don’t come home, and the apartment stays empty.
~
‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?
Yes. The beep-
Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’
~
‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?
Yes. The beep-
Oh, right!’
~
‘Hello!’
---
Anger
---
It’s been more than a month, but Chris still sets the table for you each time he eats what Lee Know brings him.
He wouldn’t bother eating much, if Minho wouldn’t have insisted to tag along to practically every meal after he noticed that he’s barely touching the food.
He always places one more plate on the table, right in front of him, at your usual spot.
“Just in case she comes back and gets hungry.” He explains to Minho, but he’s had enough of this.
“Hyung…” Lee Know hesitates. “She… she’s not coming back. You know that, right?”
His tone is quiet, and he tries to approach the subject as gently as possible. However, it’s time for him to do something. You’ve died more than five weeks ago, but Chris hasn’t moved any of your belongings, not even to store them.
There’s a box of tampons on the kitchen counter, but he won’t even move that, for fuck’s sake. He keeps waiting for you to come home, as if he doesn’t realise the fact that you’ve passed away.
“No, she will.” Chris says firmly, daring Minho to challenge him more.
“Hyung… She… she died. She’s not coming back.”
“You’re wrong!” Chris shouts all of a sudden, hitting the table with his fist strong enough to make the tableware bounce. He knows Minho is right. After waiting for you for weeks on end without you coming back, after dialling your number about a million times, after sending countless texts with no reply from you… he knows. But…
“Chris…” Lee Know stares empathetically.
“You’re all wrong! She… she’s coming back, goddamit!” He shouts again, this time grabbing the table’s edges and flipping it. The empty plates fall to the ground and shatter in the process, and Minho’s pot spills on the carpet, staining it.
Chris tries to cling to the last bit of hope he has regarding you, but he knows you’re dead. Everyone else was right, and he was wrong. You’re really gone.
“I’m sorry, Hyung. You… you need some help…” Lee Know continues with a shake of his head, bending down to grab the broken pieces of glass.
When he’s done cleaning up the carpet and the floor to the best of his abilities, he takes one more look at Chan. He looks like a ticking bomb, ready to explode again any second now.
Lee Know doesn’t know if it would be good to give Chan space, or if he should insist again that he comes with him to the dorms.
He decides to ask him anyway, and to his surprise, Chris nods and packs a small bag with clothes and hangs it on his shoulder.
They made their way out to Lee Know’s car, and once they’re at the dorms, they say goodbye as each goes to their respective apartments. Chris used to live with 3RACHA and Hyunjin, so that’s where he’s headed.
The dorms are as messy as he remembers, but they bring him comfort nontheless. His old room brings him solace as well.
There are a few pictures or you on the small desk in his room, and he looks at them fondly. You’re smiling beautifully in all of them. It’s the you he remembers. You, at your first date; you, the first time he took you to an amusement park; you, when all your fingers were coated in chocolate after you attempted to bake him a cake.
It’s you.
God, how he misses you.
How dare you leave him alone?
How dare you?
Why didn’t you fucking look to the left before crossing the road? Even if the traffic light was green, you should’ve fucking looked.
You’ve always been careful to look, so why…?!
Watching the pictures no longer makes him happy. It makes him angry, and out of anger, he punches the wall behind the desk with all his strength.
It makes no sense, really, but the pain in his fist takes away from the pain in his heart, so he punches the wall again.
He decides to try and calm down after hitting the wall two more times, and he hops into his old bed, shutting his eyes tight and thinking about the night you died.
‘I’m really fucking done with how overbearing you’re being. I was doing fine before I met you, and I sure as hell do just fine without you over my head every fucking minute of the day.’
Those were some of the last words he’s said to you.
Since you’ve died a few blocks away from the JYPE building, it happened right after you left.
You died thinking he doesn’t love you.
You died thinking he doesn’t need you.
He does.
He needs you.
If only he’d gone home with you that night, as you asked him, you would’ve never died.
It’s his fault.
It’s his fault you’ve died.
He killed you.
He lashed out on you and blamed all his stress on your attempts to take care of him, and he killed you.
Fuck, it’s all his fault.
For the first time since the funeral, he bursts out in tears, and he is unable to stop. It’s like all of his repressed feelings for the past month and a half come biting him right in the ass.
It’s so hard to breathe. He’s getting suffocated.
He can’t.
He can’t breathe anymore.
You’re on top of him, suffocating him.
“You killed me.” You say, blood running down your face.
He can almost feel the drops hitting him, with your face so close to him.
“It’s your fault. “You knew what you were saying. You killed me.” You say again cruelly, and Chris shuts his eyes even tighter.
His cries soon turn to wails, and he’s being loud enough for Changbin to hear him and get alerted. He opens the door without knocking, and upon seeing Chris, his heart breaks.
He just goes to the bed and throws himself on top of Chris, as if to shelter him somehow from the intense grief he’s feeling.
When his cries quiet down, Changbin takes a look at his friend and sees his injuries.
“Holy fuck, your hand is bleeding. Are you okay?” He asks in panic, standing up quickly to grab the first aid kit to bandage his fist.
“It’s all my fucking fault!” Chris screams at the top of his lungs, and his destructive mood comes back. He stands up, wanting to destroy it all. Every damn picture, every fucking thing in this room.
He wants to set it on fire and let it it all to pieces, letting himself burn as well. It’s what he deserves for killing you.
Sure, the drunk driver that hit you was directly responsible for taking your life, but the way he acted that night… nothing would’ve happened if it weren’t for him.
He killed you.
Changbin sees right through his erratic behaviour and anticipates his moves, throwing himself once more at Chris, holding him tight and not letting him move, no matter how much Chris lashes out. He doesn’t let go until his friend calms down again, and even after he does, he decides to camp in the room with him and keep him company.
---
Bargaining
---
It’s been three months, and Chris still has some difficulties accepting that you’re truly gone.
He probably shouldn't be here so soon, but it’s like he has to make sure again that you’re… that you’re dead.
Your parents did a great job with your grave; your gravestone made of marble stands tall , centred right in front of the ground you’re buried deep within, and the intricate designs of sculpted vines and flowers reminds him of you.
Oh, right. Flowers.
Chris remembers he brought a bouquet of pink peonies with him. He’s been holding onto it tightly ever since he bought it and stepped in a taxi to come here, but as soon as he got to your grave, time stopped, he couldn’t breathe anymore, and he forgot about the flowers in his hands.
It’s not like you need any more; there are so many fresh flowers all over and around your grave. Your parents also planted lots on top of the soil above your coffin, decorating your rest place beautifully.
You’ve always said you wanted a garden, and now, you have one: your little space in the uncomfortably large cemetery at the edge of the city.
“My favourite flowers. Aren’t they pretty?” He swears he can hear your voice, and turning to his left side, his breath hitches in his throat, choking him.
There you are, holding the bouquet of pink peonies he bought with a large smile on your face, but just like last time, he blinks, and the bouquet is in his hands, as it’s been the whole time, and you’re nowhere in sight.
A tear rolls down Chan’s cheek. He wishes he would’ve bought you that house and garden you’ve been dreaming of, instead of the convenient apartment in the city centre.
He wishes he would’ve proposed, and that you’d build a little family together. After all, you were his solace in the midst of all the chaos of his life. The sole person bringing him purpose and comfort.
But now you’re gone.
He wishes he wouldn’t have always put his job first. Especially now, as his schedules stay empty due to the company fearing for his well-being, he realises how much free time he could’ve had if only – if only he’d listened to you.
He regrets all those late nights in the studio when he could’ve been home sleeping next to you.
He regrets every breakfast, lunch and dinner he’s missed because he was too busy with making a new song, learning a new dance, or preparing for a new comeback. Now, none of it matters. You’re gone.
He could’ve postponed all of them. He could’ve done so much differently, and he regrets it all.
You’re gone.
He places the peonies in a little vase near your gravestone, next to some daffodils someone must’ve brought you a few days ago.
Then, he raises his gaze and reads the inscription in the headstone’s marble. It’s your favourite poem by Clare Harner.
Good choice, he thinks, as he goes through the lines of Immortality and traces each engraved letter with his fingers.
~
‘Do not stand by my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints in snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle, autumn rain.
As you awake with morning's hush,
I am the swift, up-flinging rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the day transcending night.
Do not stand by my grave, and cry--
I am not there, I did not die.’
You stopped reciting the poem and took a deep breath, looking expectantly at Chan.
“Isn’t this poem beautiful?” You asked him, your eyes sparkling.
“A bit morbid, but yes.” Chris chuckled as he placed the freshly made pasta dish in a large plate and served you dinner.
“Aww, thank you. Smells so good!” You grinned in delight, your eyes closing into crescents, as they always did whenever you smiled brightly.
He couldn’t help but press a quick chaste kiss against your lips before he sat down as well.
“So, pasta master, show me how it’s done.” You encouraged him, nudging his elbow and handing him your fork and spoon.
“Tsk, you’re so spoiled.” Chris tutted jokingly, but complied nonetheless and started twirling the pasta with the fork. Once it became an appropriate bite-sized portion, he raised the fork and supported it with the spoon as he brought the food to your mouth.
“Mmmm, so good!” You exclaimed with a few quick, excited small claps, as soon as you started feeling the flavours.
“Of course, what were you expecting?” Chris chuckled.
“Only the best from you.” She praised, petting his head fondly. “So, about the poem. Do you think it’s good enough for my presentation?”
“For Uni? Yeah, of course. Anything you’d pick is good enough, babe. You have your way with words, and you recited it very beautifully.”
“You think?” You beamed at his words, and he nodded. “Thank you, Channie. I really really like it, but I was afraid it wasn’t appropriate.”
“No, it is. You can use it.”
“If the lyrical genius says so, it must be true.” You stood up briefly and kissed his cheek, before returning to your seat and starting eating the pasta.
~
God, how many years ago was that?
Chris bursts out crying for the millionth time this month, and grabs the headstone with both his hands, feeling his knees grow weak.
On the brink of collapse, he uses your gravestone for support as he weeps louder.
“Can’t you come back?” He asks, his voice shaking. “Please. Please come back. Please. I… I promise I’ll do better, hm? I promise I’ll no longer stay as late in the studio, so please… please…”
The headstone can’t support him enough when his hands go weak as well, and he falls to his knees right in front of the poem.
“If only – If only I’d left with you that night. If only we hadn’t fought. God… please, please come back. We still have to make up.”
He cries for what feels like hours, and his body grows cold.
“Please… please…” He forces out again. “Come back… come back… we have so much we want to do… come back… I need… I need more time with you, please. Please.”
And he cries again.
And again.
And again, until he feels a hand on his shoulder a while later, and he turns his head around hopeful, thinking you might’ve somehow heard his pleas and returned to him.
His expression falls as he sees Seungmin looking concerned at him, and then he frowns even more noticing the pathetic way he looks in his eyes’ reflection.
Seungmin falls to the ground next to Chan, hugging his side tightly. Then, he helps him stand up and balance on his feet.
Chris is grateful for Stray Kids being there for him, but he just wishes… it would’ve been you standing next to him instead of Seungmin.
---
Depression
---
Chris has never experienced such an intense fatigue before. Every part of his body hurts, and it’s like his muscles are screaming at him each time he stands up. He is lethargic and looks haggard and in desperate need of rest, but rest doesn’t come by too easily as of late.
It’s 5AM and he’s in the studio again, but instead of doing anything productive, like finishing up that song he’s started working on two months ago that he keeps beating himself up for, he watches how beautiful you looked in the picture on his desk.
You used to be so full of life and so gorgeous. Your smile could make anyone happy, and your laugh – God, how much he misses your laugh.
He misses your voice.
Sometimes, he can’t even remember what it sounds like, and he thinks it’s absurd; it hasn’t been that long since you passed. Only about a year. He shouldn’t forget it so soon.
He grabs his phone and manually types the digits to your number. He still hasn’t forgotten it, and with how deep it’s been ingrained in his memory, he doesn’t think he ever will.
‘Hello! You’ve called… wait, am I doing this correctly?
Yes. The beep-
Oh, right! Thanks for calling, please leave your message after the beep. Okay, bye~!’
He hasn’t cried in some time while thinking of you, but now, he’s on the verge of tears again. You used to sound so carefree.
You used to be so happy.
He doesn’t know when he started referring to you in past tense, but as soon as the realisation hits him, he lets a couple of tears stain his cheeks.
Chris is tired. He hasn’t slept in… God knows how many days. He’s always had trouble sleeping, but nowadays, his insomnia has been getting worse and worse. His doctor prescribed him some pills that are supposed to help, but he can’t even be bothered to take them anymore. They don’t help him rest anyway. If he takes them, he wakes up confused, disoriented, and with an even worse headache.
His phone is still in his hand and his finger brushes over his screen. He didn’t have the heart to change his lockscreen picture. It’s still you.
He hasn’t seen you in what feels like years. The first few months when he’d been haunted by your ghost were tough, but now that he hasn’t seen any glimpse of you in months, day to day life is getting harder and harder to navigate.
You don’t even visit him in his dreams anymore, on the seldom nights he sleeps. If he takes the small white pills, he doesn’t dream of anything, and he so desperately wants to see you again, to touch you, that he refuses to take them. That’s the other reason he doesn’t.
Fuck, this is hard.
Are you supposed to feel so devastated after a whole year?
Back then, years passed by so quickly – it meant comeback after comeback, work, work and more work, and time with you was scarce but very appreciated. Time used to fly, and without him knowing how much time passed, you’ve celebrated your 5th anniversary. He was planning to propose to you soon. He was looking at rings, but then you…
Time doesn’t pass by as quickly anymore. This year stretched for so long, it felt like a decade instead of barely 12 months. With each passing month, it was like nothing was changing at all for Chris, but now, looking back, everything feels different.
He’s a completely different person than the one that was staying in the studio up until 5 AM last year, and he blames himself so, so much for his unchanging bad habits.
He blames himself for your death still. It’s his fault, and this thought only makes him more hopeless and more depressed.
He’s lost weight. A lot of it, to the point where the company had to have an ‘intervention’. Whereas last year his body was toned, his abs perfectly sculpted and his form admirable, he now looks like a ghost of himself.
If he eats, his stomach immediately starts hurting. He threw up 3 times this week alone.
Your death still has such a big emotional toll on him, and he’s tried it all. He went to therapy. He still goes four times a week at his company’s requests. He’s on medication that makes him groggy and unable to think, medication that shut down all his feelings – not just the negative ones. He is numb, and when he isn’t, he feels utterly devastated and lost.
What is he supposed to do now, without you?
How come a year has already passed without you by his side? He’s even contradicting himself. Sometimes he feels that the year passed by slowly, and sometimes he looks back and doesn’t understand how he was able to live a whole year without you.
He needs you.
Fuck, he needs you so much, he still can’t believe he even insinuated that horrible night that he didn’t.
Life no longer has any purpose, and everyone around him is growing more concerned by the day, as this once optimistic man has left together with you, leaving in his place only a pessimistic, desperate person.
He realised how badly he wants to die exactly 6 months ago, when your sudden disappearance finally started sinking in for real. When he stopped bargaining with God or with whatever cruel higher power there might be in the sky to let you come back, even if just for 10 minutes, for enough time for him to kiss and hug you and tell you how much he’s missing you.
6 months ago, he started decorating his thighs with unsightly marks, some of them faded, other fresh. He can’t do it anywhere else, no matter how much he’d wished to cut his wrists open, for fear of anyone else noticing.
So, he takes his despair out on his poor thighs, pressing the small blade against his skin until he feels something, anything. Until blood starts pouring down and the shower’s water pools down at his feet completely red.
He winces in pain every time he does it, but at least he feels something different than the numbness that grows bigger and bigger in his heart, consuming everything in its way. His whole soul feels absorbed by it, crushed under the pressure.
On the rare occasions he’s not numb, he feels the immense grief your absence left. He now knows that you’ve not only taught him how to love, but also how it is to lose what you love, and it hurts. It’s excruciating, and his heart is being ripped apart still, each and every time he thinks of you, and your absence is tearing him apart from the inside out.
He is physically sick. His headaches are worse than ever. He can’t sleep. He can’t eat. He can’t do anything anymore. He doesn’t want to, either.
The only thing he wants is to die, but even this wish feels selfish. He sees the way his friends look at him, how they’re walking on eggshells around him, to not somehow mention anything that could trigger a bigger depressive episode than what he’s already going through. He only pushes through it because of them, because he knows how it feels to lose someone you truly love, and he doesn’t want them to have to live with this black hole in their chests.
But… the loneliness he feels is simply merciless. It’s pouring down on him like unyielding unforgiving rain, not showing him any pity, and so he tries to fills his days with something that would make him forget about the gap in his soul.
The company let him come back to work a while ago, but they didn’t plan any comeback for Stray Kids for the time being, nor are they planning any for the near future. He’s grateful they’re giving him time, because he’s in no shape or form ready to do anything, not when he’s withdrawn himself so much from everything he used to love.
It’s difficult to compose any up-beat songs, or any song, for that matter. It used to come naturally for him, but not anymore. Changbin and Jisung are doing their best to support him and make up for his lack of concentration, but it feels like he’s not bringing anything to the table anymore.
He’s missed practice over and over again. The Kids meet up every two days to dance to their older songs, and as they don’t have anything new to work with, they even started learning the dances of other popular songs, or creating choreographies that would fit western music. Chan never went. He stopped dancing 12 months ago, and he hasn’t even stepped in the practice room since you died, not even once.
He hasn’t sung since you died either, and no one said anything about it. No one blamed him at all. Not even his company, who he was sure was going to fire him in the first 6 months after your death.
They said they trust him, and that they’re going to give him as much time as he needs to recover. They talk about him like he’s sick, but he’s not sick. They don’t seem to understand that.
He’s not sick, he’s just devastated, and he doesn’t think he’s ever going to be able to live again, to sing and dance on stage and to work hard, because this is no longer his dream.
He only dreams of death, and the thoughts of it are the only ones bringing him any solace. His therapist said he needs more time, and he quoted Lois Tonkin more times than he can count. He said that life will soon begin to grow bigger around grief, and that the intense sadness he’s feeling is just another expression of love for you. One that is permanent, but that will diminish as time passes and as he starts enjoying life again.
He doesn’t believe any of it, though.
How could he begin to enjoy life again, with you not there by his side?
---
Acceptance
---
He met someone.
For the first time in years, he felt genuine happiness again.
It took him one more year to start reengaging in some of his older hobbies and in his work. He started gradually going to the gym with Changbin and Lee Know, and eventually felt ready to start dancing and singing again. Another year later, he was ready to get back on stage and face all his fans, who’ve thankfully shown an unwavering support of his journey with grief.
He started feeling a bit better, and even though you were on his mind all the time, he was no longer dwelling on the pain of the loss of you. Your memory started bringing him more happiness, and he started looking fondly at all the sweet moments you’ve both shared together.
He started appreciating being able to have met you, to have lived 5 beautiful years next to you, and even though he still feels it is unfair that you’ve been taken away from him so cruelly and way too early, he no longer blames himself.
He still regrets the argument you had on the night you passed away, but he started slowly coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing he could do about it anymore, no way to take his words back. He started accepting that this is the one regret he’s going to have to take to his grave with him.
It took him one more year to start embracing life again, to start looking forward to his future with Stray Kids and to start actively making plans. He realised there was so much more he wanted to accomplish, and his dreams started coming back to him little by little, with the support of his friends and family.
He’s met her two years later.
When it happened, he was still not ready to give love a second chance. He thought it was way too soon, that he was disrespecting you by catching feelings for someone else. He felt like he was emotionally cheating on you.
He decided it’s time to join a support group at the recommendation of his friend, and he’s met a lot of people of all ages: some younger than him, some way older. The way they spoke about their former partners warmed up his heart, and they made him realise that loving again is not an affront to your memory. He can still keep loving you while loving someone else as well. He can still honour your memory.
He opened up to her, and he’s told her all about you. She wanted to know who you were, and she even visited your grave with him, holding his hand and talking to you at your gravestone. She told you she loves him and thanked you for being there for him while you were still alive, for giving him precious memories to hold onto.
She apologized for life being so unfair and taking you away from Chris so abruptly, and she assured you she’s going to take care of him to the best of her abilities.
She was really patient with him. She gave him as much time as he needed to come to terms with his feelings. He let him set the pace on what he was comfortable with doing. The first time they slept together was after more than one year of dating, but she didn’t mind waiting for as long as he felt necessary.
She loved him, and he loved her.
He proposed to her almost two years later, and they welcomed a child one year after their wedding.
He visited your grave on your 10th death anniversary with his son in his stroller, a baby boy he’s given your favourite name. You were still present in his thoughts, and his love for you never subsided.
He now simply has additional people to love and to grow old with, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss you still.
~
He decided to visit your grave again, even if walking has become a bit too difficult. Still, he manages the way from the car until your grave just fine, even if he has to support himself with a crane.
He is now old enough to be called ‘grandpa’, and not just as a joke between him and his friends. His hands are shaking, and his legs are a bit wobbly; his face is adorned with deep lines and creases, his forehead is wrinkly, and each fine line contributes to his now years-long life and experiences. The skin dropped around his cheeks, but every lady in the nursing home assures him he’s still a handsome man.
Your grave is no longer as tidy and beautifully adorned with fresh flowers. The soil has been overtaken by weeds and is in dear need of cleansing. He hasn’t visited in a while, unfortunately, his health issues making it a tad too hard, and with your parents long gone, there is no one else to take care of your resting place.
He makes a mental note to hire someone to clean it up and plant some flowers, but for the time being, he simply sets the bouquet of rose peonies in the small, chipped vase next to your headstone.
The inscription in the once immaculate marble is no longer as visible, but he doesn’t need to read it in order to recognise Immortality by Clare Harner. He still remembers the poem by heart, and also all sorts of other small, insignificant things, like your old phone number that’s been disconnected decades ago.
He looks at your smiling picture, the one he took when you’ve just graduated from university, and he realises as if for the first time how young you were.
He’s grown old; he has multiple wrinkles, his skin sagged everywhere, and his body went through each transformation it was supposed to when advancing in years.
But you?
You’ve stayed young. You’ve stayed beautiful, cheerful, smiling. Your face stayed clear of any creases.
You’ve remained just as he remembers you.
You are immortal.
“I’m sorry for not coming in a while.” He speaks with a soft smile on his face.
“That’s fine. You are probably very tired.”
He swears he could hear your voice. Maybe the poem is right, and the whispers of the wind transform in your saccharine voice he’s so dearly missed.
“I’m truly sorry for what I’ve said.” He continues, feeling the need to apologize again for his harsh words that night. No matter how many years have passed and how many time he’s already apologised, he’s never forgiven himself.
“But I’ve forgiven you long ago.” The wind whispers, and he closes his eyes and nods his head.
“I still love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. I hope you know that.”
“I know.” The sunlight caresses his back, warming him up as the wind strengthens. “And I’m waiting for you, whenever you’re ready to meet me, my love.”
~The End~
---
(A/N) Obligatory song: 11 minutes by Halsey and YUNGBLUD.
youtube
When my best friend showed me this song, I immediately fell in love with the concept of the music video, that’s based on the five stages of grief. I thought to myself that I simply must write a story like this, but of course, that was months ago and I’ve completely forgotten about it, as I usually do with most random ideas that come to mind that I don’t write down lol.
I couldn’t really sleep for the past few nights, so my mind kept brewing ideas and scenarios to keep me busy and hopefully lull me to sleep.
It didn’t work, because the five stages of grief came to mind and I knew I had to immediately write a story about it and not let the idea go this time, so I got out of bed at like 6:30 am and wrote and wrote on and off for a total of 13 hours, until this 10k words of pure despair have been created.
I hope you enjoyed it even though it probably sent you spiralling into depression. Thank you for reading nonetheless!
Love,
Storm
#stray kids#straykids#stray kids masterlist#stray kids fanfiction#stray kids imagines#bang chan#bang chan imagines#stray kids angst#stray kids scenarios#skz stay#stay#changbin#skz#han jisung#wattpad#ao3#ao3 writer#fanfiction#fanfic#bang chan angst#angst#hurt/comfort#hyunjin#jisung#lee know#seungmin#felix#no fluff#no comfort#pain and suffering
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Toko DR1 defense rant. (+ some UDG and Tokomaru hot takes)
I wrote a DR1 Toko defense rant and hot takes on twitter after seeing a DR1 Toko hate post on tumblr, funny that. Anyway, I'm copying pasting that rant onto here becuase it's really important. I will defend Toko with my life.
DR1 Toko haters are the weakest link.
Y’all can’t handle the fact that a woman with childhood trauma, trauma with relationships and has DiD with a serial killer alter is thrust into a stressful life or death killing game would not act very nice and normal 24/7.
If Toko in DR1 made you feel uncomfortable and you didn’t like her moments then that’s completely fine. That’s the point of her character.
It’s a pretty accurate portrayal of how someone with trauma who hasn’t been able to get the help they need would act this way. Her character was perfectly done to serve the story she has. Saying her character is bad just because it’s uncomfortable is dumb.
You can argue that her trauma being played for laughs and is bad taste but that’s more a story issue than a character issue.
Here’s another hot take: If you love UDG Toko but hate DR1 Toko then you don’t actually love Toko, you only love a fanon version of Toko.
A fanon Toko that is gay for Komaru and her obsession with Byakuya and trauma are just “magically gone”
All of Toko’s negative traits in DR1 are still present in UDG. Her sole motivation for coming to Towa city was to save Byakuya. Her reason for sticking with Komaru, encouraging her to not give up when she is at her lowest and helping and saving her, it was all done so Toko could trade Komaru with the enemy so she could save Byakuya. Her being rude and making incest jokes in front of Komaru are aspects of Toko’s character that shouldn’t be ignored. (Although, the incest part is more a product of UDG trying to squeeze as much grossness it can)
The reason why it shouldn’t be ignored is that it makes Toko’s growth in chapter 4 onwards all the more significant. Toko at the start of UDG was calling Komaru “Omaru” and fully wanted to betray her.
Toko in the end of UDG has learned that she likes having Komaru as a friend and wants to fight to save both her and Byakuya. That’s a character god tier arc.
But what about Toko’s obsession afterwards? It still exists because it’s linked to her trauma that she still has not been able to heal from. Komaru is a very important and wonderful person for Toko but she is not a therapist. She can’t diagnose all of Toko’s issues and create a way for Toko to fully heal. She can be the start and encourage Toko, but Toko needs professional therapy. Months of therapy most likely. This isn’t something that can be fixed in a week. DR3 shows that even when Toko has Komaru, she still has her obsession with Byakuya because she hasn’t been able to go to therapy.
I should probably clarify that I don’t dislike Tokomaru content that has Toko healing with Komaru’s help or Toko content that has her over Byakuya. Lord knows
I can’t throw stones in the department because of how I write Genocide Jack lol. But what I am saying is that DR1 Toko is important for UDG Toko to make sense. You can’t ignore DR1 Toko and only think about Toko as she is in UDG. Both Tokos are halves of one complete Toko.
That said, I do take slight issue with people who said that Toko NEEDED UDG to be good. Guys, Kodaka wasn’t thinking about UDG or any future DR game when writing DR1. DR1 was written as if it would be the only thing that could be made of the series. Toko’s arc in DR1 WAS supposed to end where it was. It wasn’t left incomplete so another game could fill in the rest. Toko in UDG is just an expansion of DR1 Toko. She’s already learned how to be braver and fight, UDG teaches her that she doesn’t have to pick and choose between two people. She can have both.
It’s extremely rare that a Danganronpa character has second time in the spotlight to develop more beyond the game they star in. Toko is the sole exception to this.
Also worth mentioning, Toko wasn’t first considered to be the partner early in development. It was actually Haiji that would be the secondary protagonist in UDG. The only reason why they switched from him to Toko was for gameplay purposes. Kodaka wanted the player to have the ability to switch to a super powerful character that can’t die so the people used to visual novel aspect of DR can play UDG without worrying about having to be good at a third person shooter.
Haiji’s power form would have been him taking off his cast and killing Monokumas with a robot arm. But that didn’t go very far so it was decided that Genocide Jack would be that power form.
That means y’all have to thank Genocide Jack for giving you the UDG lesbians. (Btw, if I got this info wrong please let me know.)
Anyway I exhausted myself from talking about Toko. She is a perfect weird girl who is one of DR’s best written characters.
#Kirby's Novel Notes#Toko Fukawa#Komaru Naegi#danganronpa#danganronpa trigger happy havoc#ultra despair girls#Tokomaru#rant#long post
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Hiya! Lili just read your bio that you're 22! Your basically my senior of Gun simp! (Me being 21 a year junior hehe) the fact I read your pervious asks you said you like Goo also. I think your gonna love this one on my on going sketch Goo and Gun posing a Jojo pose. (I am rusty and I made the agony mistake of the digital artist that is drawing final line in same layer of sketch)
Here is my question:
-What is your first impression on Gun like the ever the first that when he appeared in school festival.
-When did you hop into this lookism hole
-if you want to get isekai which world you want to get into
-if reincarnation which world do you want to born in
-how many years you been drawing! It looks so smooth!
Btw love love your drawing! Your drawing basically made me go draw Gun without any hesitation. Also fellow pinoy (well half) here.
Hello there Slimesam!! 💚💚💚 haha yes, I'm in my hag era now😅 but it's very nice to meet you!!! And that's cool to see another fellow pinoy here!🥺 always nice to meet my fellow Filipinos so hello!! Hehe yes I am also a goo simp (oddly enough, I've noticed a pattern that if you're Gun biased, then you're also a Goo enthusiast as well??). But you're absolutely right because from your w.i.p drawing so far I love it so far!! I like your art style and the poses you've chosen for Gun and Goo are so fun and I can't wait to see the final product!!💚💛💚💛 OOF FELT. I've also made the mistake of doing the final lineart on the sketch layer and I got so mad at myself for it :') but I hope that when you go over with the actual final line art layer, it doesn't take as long as bc I always find that progress to be a pain!! And thank you for your compliments🥹🥹🥹 it means a lot to hear that I've somewhat inspired you to draw Gun! Like I can't believe I've helped you feel that way🥹
Without further or do tho (bc I always end up ranting and I won't bore you bc I could do this all day haha), onto your questions!
1. "What is your first impression of Gun when he first appeared at the festival?" Goofy. I thought that this mfer was goofy.
I also thought he looked very 2012-2014 tumblr era to me which made me side-eye him a bit LOL. I remember after the panels of Gun punching Vasco, i was thinking to myself, "YEAHHHH VASCO! DONT LET A MAN FROM TUMBLR BEAT YOU UP🗣🗣🗣'. What made me intrigued about him was when he gave Daniel a good ol' Brazilian kick and when he removed his sunglasses for the first time! I was like, 'woah, wait why are his eyes like that?? This guy looks like trouble.' AND of course, I was surprised about finding out that Gun wasn't some 20 something year old. Overall though, I didn't really care for Gun at this point in the story.
2. "When did you hop into this lookism hole?" I HOPPED INTO THIS RABBIT HOLE BACK IN 2018! It was all thanks to my ex. During the time we were dating, he would try and get me to read a bunch of manhwas but the ones he recommended me didn't really appeal to me (we actually almost had a fight bc I told him that I didn't really like tower of God and couldn't get into it OML). BUT after all the manhwas he recommended me, I finally liked one and it was of course of lookism! I did, however, drop it during the Eli jang arc. Not necessarily because I lost interest in it but because I ended up hyperfixating on something else at the time (pretty sure it was mob psycho). It was only until last year that I picked up lookism and caught up to it that I fell back in love with the series!
3. "If you want to get into isekai, which world would you want to get into?" I would say none because while the fantasy and magical elements would be totally cool, there's almost always a tragedy that happens and I don't want that wished upon me🙅🏽♀️
4. If reincarnated, what world would you want to be reincarnated? Probably a studio ghibli movie. The kind of vibes and feelings those movies give me? Magical. Who wouldn't want to be married to a giant, ocean gueen/goddess? Or to stay in a movie castle with pretty boy wizard named Howl? I would've said jujutsu kaisen for the sole sake of being able to meet Gojo or Nanami but then I remember the shibuya arc and I'm in shambles and the chances of me surviving in that verse is slim to none lmao.
5. "How many years have you been drawing? It looks so smooth!" Well first of all, thank you so much for saying that!🥰 second of all, so I've been drawing or have done traditional art for a loooong time. However, there were times where I would drop art and not pick it back up until a year or so later simply because growing up, I've always struggled with finding confidence in myself and in my art as well. So I'd say that I've been doing traditional art for maybe 6 years? While I've done digital art for around maybe a year now (I refuse to color things in because it's so stinking hard).
#thanks for stopping by!!#i wrote a bunch more but it ended up becoming a lil sad so i had to delete a bnuch;;;#li li speaks💬#li li's asks💬#slimeslam💚
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regarding alicent being hated by neckbeards (and not to sound like some Women Are Worse Actually apologist or something cause asoiaf fanboys are the worst lmao) things are not much better with the women in the fandom. i mostly move in female dominated spaces when it comes to asoiaf and it's been shocking seeing the way they've been talking about her. literally calling her every misogynistic slur under the sun 276485 times a day. and when the actress who played young alicent alluded to romantic undertones in rhaenyra and alicents relationship they went fucking feral and jumped on her saying that if actors wanted to fuck they should do it in their own time and leave the characters out of it.
it took me so much by surprise the intensity of the hatred both for the character and ship bc i can name countless villainous characters that have big fanbases?? not to mention problematic het ships ("problematic" ranging from starting as enemies to straight up shipping male abusers or groomers or pedos with female characters). they're basically treating alicent as the devil incarnate while adoring the man who took his 15 year old niece to a brothel...it's disgusting. i
was in the fandom for a while before i read fire and blood so i got into the book with preconceived notions expecting to love daemon/rhaenyra (cause he's a fan-favourite and fans are really presenting their relationship as some great love story) and hating alicent more than any asoiaf villain by the way they were talking about her. instead i was disgusted by how a male character like daemon could have stans and couldn't get what made alicent different from basically any asoiaf and got character? cause almost everyone in that universe look to save their own skin, gain power for themselves etc etc so i didn't view her as an anomaly just your run-of-the-mill antagonist??
generally liked the changes they made in her character in the show cause she was just too evil stepmothery for my taste in the book and it fell flat but the fandom was foaming at the mouth at the thought that they made her remotely sympathetic. and every time the actors/showrunners etc mentioned that alicent is a product of the patriarchy they'd be screaming about how she's the patriarchy herself and shit like that as if women who cape for the patriarchy aren't oppressed by it? it generally feels like i've time travelled s couple of decades back with the misogynistic takes ive had to read that are widely accepted in fandom . it's disturbing cause they basically switch "feminism" on and off based on whether they like s character or not and if they don't it's free estate apparently? they hate her so much that they can't even empathise with her being married off to an old man as a teenager and enduring marital rape cause apparently that would be excusing her later actions. but they'll happily joke around about daemon murdering his wife...
sorry for ranting lmao i just really wanted to discuss the show with another radfem haha
Omg girl, the takes brewing in the hotd tag on tumblr are ATROCIOUS, I'm right there with you. A week back I got an anon about Alicent where I said she hadn't become the villain yet, but had clearly turned antagonistic toward Rhaenyra. This past episode, she has clearly stepped up her villainy, and like - what about it? Her choices and feelings are completely understandable.
It truly makes me wonder what people watch stuff and read stuff for. Like what do you get out of it? If you don't find characters compelling, what's the point? If evil characters make you hate them like it's personal, perhaps you need a bit of a reality check? These people aren't real lol
I'm also absolutely bemused how angry people are getting that the showrunners are interpreting this book and creating scenes that aren't quite what the book described, because it's the point? The book is a ""history book"" intentionally playing on unreliable sources. Every scene is going to be more fleshed out and a little different, and they're going to create visual parallels within the show. These complainers would make terrible television shows
Alicent is a tragic character, and you don't have to root for her, but I don't understand not feeling sympathy for her.
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Eris for the character ask game
favorite thing about them
SECRETS SECRETS SECRETS. I love it when a character has secrets and I KNOW Eris has them. He’s playing the game because he has to. BUT WHY, I ask you and I ask sjm, the deity of this fictional purgatory I have made my home, WHY??
We may never know or it’s actually some real shitty reason
least favorite thing about them
can be a dick (but i squint my eyes at sjm at all times) like is he being a dick because he’s a dick or is it because there’s an agenda here?? But other than sjm nonsense, probably… nothing actually. I literally have nothing about him I dislike??
favorite line
I literally read more of acosf just to find his lines. AND IT’S SOOO DRY SOMEONE HELP
He winks in ACOSF
I haven’t gotten to the Neris dance thing yet so
brOTP
I do think he’d get along with most people once Beron dies. He’ll still be a private person, but I think he’d actually have a genuine smile once in a while in front of others that actually surprise people. Probably Tamlin, definitely Lucien (the true brOTP), and Tarquin
I can also see Cassian surprisingly, if the NC hadn’t decided Eris was their sworn enemy turned reluctant ally
OTP
Crying. Sobbing.
I can’t decide.
Probably Neris but like, platonic we got married for politics and maybe the moral of the story was the best friends we made along the way or something type thing
Sobs, they would qpr so well
Tarquin and Eris sounds good tho
Edit: I just realized my true eris OTP: eris x angst
nOTP
None, really
Surprisingly, azris doesn’t click for me, don’t know why tho
random headcanon
Would be the best dilf hands down, an actually good father, hums lullabies, cuddles his child even into adulthood, HE'S A FAMILY MAN OKAY
unpopular opinion
Tbh, I don’t like that he didn’t help Mor, but I also don’t understand why her family would leave her at Autumn’s border when, by her losing her ‘value’ as a bride, the insult was to Eris’s family. Unless this was a way of saying, hey we disown her and we’re giving her to you to do as you wish? Which, yeah.
But I honestly think that Eris protecting his mother is enough of a character motivation for me
My actual unpopular opinion is that the Mor and Eris debacle is not written well enough for me to actually see it as anything more than sjm nonsense writing
Eris shows a surprisingly amount of self awareness but then sjm will have him call Mor a slut and I’m like?? Why?? He’s either a master of the political game in Prythian or he’s a boy that’s only a product of his father with no self awareness, this is a result of sjm trying to have another Rhys character but remembering later on she also set him up as a villain in Mor’s story (sure, he could be both, does does sjm do that? again, no she doesn’t)
TBH THE CHILDISH ANTICS FROM ALL OF THESE CENTURIES OLD FAE IRRITATES ME TO NO END WHICH I'M AFRAID IS LIKELY JUST A BYPRODUCT OF SJM BACKING HERSELF INTO HER OWN RIGHTEOUS SAVIOR RHYS LONG CON CORNER
Sorry rant over
song i associate with them
PASSERINE BY THE OH HELLOS
Lyrics from the song:
See, my birds of a kind, they more and more are looking like
Centurions than any little messiah
THE WHOLE SONG SCREAMS ERIS GROWING UP AND WATCHING HIS INNOCENT LITTLE BROTHERS ALL SLOWLY DRIFT APART AND BECOME CORRUPT / ITS LITERALLY ERIS MOURNING OVER HIS BROTHERS BUT ALSO RECOGNIZING THEY ARE SCUM OF THE EARTH DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME
favorite picture of them
Here’s a link to fanart from a different series on instagram/tumblr, but I didn’t just wanna use it without permission
This one for the hair, and this one for the face??
If I were to explain, he has hair as curly as his mother’s and just as long. As I've said before, I’m completely biased to long hair. I have very little understanding of what his face looks like tho. Tbh if I could put a face to him it would be this, slightly older than his pretty boy brothers but still pretty (but depressed and looks like he’s one more atrocity from literally immolating himself)
(I just realized both fanarts are of the same guy from the same fandom sooooo)
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Rant. Word Salad.
Hello
Its been quite a while since I wrote anything that is not related to my youtube channel videos. Honestly, I don’t know what to write. Im not sure if its writers block or what.
Also I kind of have gotten out of the sanders side fandom. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the boys but I haven’t been into it like I use to. Until writing this I didn’t even know that there had been a sanders sides video released around the winter holidays. I haven’t been reading stories like I use to. Before I would spend hours upon hours between tumblr and various fiction sites reading a variety of ships.
Now I just watch videos or record and edit my own videos. I did make that account on AO3 I had talked about before, the user name is Tera-91 on there also, but I have never posted on it. Which will hopefully change this year. I just for some reason don’t want to do hardly anything.
I will come home from my job, take care of my plants and animals but then go straight to bed. If I didn’t live with anyone or any animals I feel like I would spend my days off just literally laying in bed and binge watch tv shows or youtube videos.
I feel as if I can only write in one specific spot in my house. If I try in another room I just don’t get hardly anything done which is really weird and I don’t get why.
I know we are already at/past Easter so this isn’t really like a “new years resolution” but I want to start doing more of what I want to do, writing being one of them.
Maybe Ill post more, maybe not. I haven’t decided if I wanted to post anything and everything. Or if I just want to limit it to stories. Short ones, long ones. Just anything that I write from any kind of series or original work. To filter or not filter, maybe just put warnings up if there is any profanity or I should just completely sensor the words like I have before. Which warning there will be profanity in this post shortly. I feel like I wrote just a ton of sanders sides and not much else so I don’t know if anyone who follows would be interested in stories that are not sanders sides.
Oh well. Sorry to kind of word salad my way through this post. Im hoping this will kick-start my brain into writing again. Being more active in the things that I use to like and enjoy, I still do enjoy them I just dont fell like I have the time to do them or if I have the time I just dont have the motivation. Its like I will only get the motivation when my hands are figuratively tied and I cant get to my computer or use my phone, or at least long enough to work on a draft. I am determined to do something productive with my time instead of just laying in my bed and watching youtube videos or streaming platforms.
I recently went to a Fall Out Boy concert with my sibling and Pete said something that hit me hard. I wish I recorded the whole thing so that I could play it on a loop. Im probably paraphrasing it at this point but the thing that Pete said, it rings in my ears now even weeks later, was it’s the shit you make that’s important.
I want to do that. Make important shit. Or at least what is important to me. Stuff that is creative, that helps people in some way or another. And I want that to start being a priority to me here and now.
#writing#pete wentz#fall out boy#tera-91#rant post#rant#venting#sorry for the rant#writting#writers block
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i had the horrible realization that while on twitter i'd be too limited by horrific character limits to rant about this in a satisfactory way, here on tumblr? here, i am free.
no one can stop me from ranting about subahibi. no one. none of you understand how long i've been holding this in (two years. two. years.)
...subahibi spoilers and my rage-fueled criticism of it to follow.
so. subahibi. yeah. look, I think most people know it as "that one VN where the girl gets fucked by a dog" and you know. it is that VN. it's a denpa eroge, heavy emphasis on eroge, with a side of the usual (in)comprehensible denpa rambling about the meaning of life love the universe everything with references ranging from Satie to Cyrano. it also vaguely ties into some other game by the same studio by virtue of local cryptid girl who is never explained in subahibi. classic.
now, I have nothing against the genre. I actually really like CROSS CHANNEL, another denpa eroge. most of the eroge parts don't interest me in CC but they're tolerable, sometimes hold plot relevance, and while the VN itself sometimes goes into absurdity and becomes laughable when it's trying to be sincere, it does try its best and has interesting elements, if underutilized. Some elements are utilized incredibly well, too!
however. subahibi is one of the worst VNs I've ever read, checking off all the boxes of:
horrific failure at depicting mental illness (the fantastical depiction of DID bears little resemblance to the actual condition. if it was confirmed to be spiritual possession, it might be different, but the VN does its best to act as though it's "unclear")
sex scenes clearly there for gratuity that drag on (yes, I know it's an eroge. there was no need to have an entire sex scene devoted to a random teacher raping her father. she wasn't even a main character.)
transphobia that goes from the usual subtle gender essentialism to so blatant it's horrific (the f slur, Mamiya being insulted by the 'good' protagonist for his femininity and forced crossdressing)
boring brocon brother/sister incest.
the VN does have some interesting components. I think the idea of someone taking on Zakuro's name to get revenge for her, but they're actually a very fucked up person who never really know her? interesting. the way the story is told from these varying unreliable narrators? interesting. the idea of taking a plural character and telling the same story/time period with the different alters' perspectives? again, interesting.
however, it completely fails to make use of any of these interesting components, especially with its depiction of DID being so bad that I wonder if anyone working on Subahibi had so much as met someone with any degree of disassociation in their lives, ever. also the rejection of mental health professionals as being capable of helping. it all comes across as some chuuni author insisting that the only way to reach happiness and mental wellness is to stick your dick in something and beat up bad guys.
I see people talking about how unique and deep Subahibi is, praising it as a great piece of media, and while I do think that, yes, it is interesting, it's more interesting when you realize that it's a flaming trashfire product of its time and its writers, with a moral message so flimsy that an infant could break it in half.
You see, it's not the pieces of media so irredeemably bad that they have nothing new to them that really make them stick in my brain for me to absolutely despise. It's the pieces of media that have just enough interesting elements to grab my interest, then vomit in my face. Subahibi is infuriating to me because it was such an awful read when it could have been a great one. It's infuriating to me because I thought I was going to read either something really amazing or something laughably bad that had a girl getting fucked by a dog. I got something infuriatingly bad that had a woman pissing on the street.
...Yeah. I could go on for days about the details of subahibi's failure to respectfully depict mental illness or DID, but......
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1 and 10 for the ask game!
(also, hamlet and picture of dorian gray are my favorite gothic stories too! i read an essay on how hamlet is not actually a tragedy and i’m not sure if i agree and it honestly doesn’t talk about ophelia much but i could share it if you’re interested)
1. a book that is close to your heart?
almost every book i've mentioned is close to my heart. they mean different things to me, but they all changed something in my life, and they're all important.
another important book to me, just to give a real answer, is turtles all the way down by john green. and i *know* it's like corny and john green is kind of a tumblr joke, BUT--
this is an important book! and it's important because ocd is just straight-up not depicted in fiction books, much less young adult fiction books. and i don't remember the plot (like, at all), i did not know i had ocd until like three years after reading it. but i do remember that there was a very pressing feeling when i was reading it that there was something just a little bit too relatable with this main character, and it wasn't in the usual "main character is supposed to be relatable" way.
that's my fancy "close to my heart" book. and obviously, six of crows is closer, because i spend most of my free time thinking about that in some way or another, but it's still important.
end of rant. <3
10. a book that got you through something?
six of crows, dude!
six of crows was what i was reading during around february of 2021, and i read it twice in a row. and immediately after that, i went and got on ao3, and i started reading six of crows fic, and eventually started writing it during zoom school, and here we are.
but, BACKSTORY! 2021 was the year where i was just... super sick. like, i did not leave the house by choice nearly ever, it was just too exhausting and i *always* had a flare up while we were out. always. even just sitting in the car. BUT, there was this series people kept talking about on tumblr and instagram, and i was super curious because i had definitely heard of these books while i was doing bookstagram stuff in eighth grade. eventually, curiousity got the better of me, and i finally asked my mom to go with me to the bookstore, rather than waiting until the next time we were doing something by barnes and noble.
and she was excited i felt well enough to -- and had the desire to go and do something -- so of course, we went and got the books. i do not remember how well the trip went, but i did get the books (they are currently sitting above me on the desk shelf in my dorm room), so it couldn't have been the worst. and as evident by my constant fanfic production, i literally have not shut up about them since.
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"Serve God, love me, and mend."
I could speak forever about Much Ado About Nothing and about how absolutely genius it is. It gets the rap as being the romcom of romcoms from Shakespeare, and that is very true, I love how romcommie it is, but I also think that there is an underlying deepness to it that is revealed when it's suddenly not so "fun" anymore. I've always thought that Benedick and Beatrice were a "thing" back in the day and then stuff blew up and now they hate each other. And that theme of deep hurt on both sides underscores all their interactions. Even as others are "tricking" the two into believing the other is in love with them, and they are actually falling in love with each other, there's something there. Benedick's line then, "Serve God, love me, and mend" after they've confessed that they love each other is such a good line and indicator that there's stuff that needs mending. And I don't think that it actually mends till the end. They love each other, yes, but old wounds don't forget and until all plots are uncovered and their actual unblemished thoughts are presented to each other, there's still healing to do. I love productions that hint at this. The one that springs to mind is the Tennant/Tate production. There's such a vulnerability and hints of deep, deep hurt amongst the wacky hijinks of this production. (I have a separate rant about how Catherine Tate is actually one of the deepest and most genuine actresses of our time and just like her Donna Noble and Beatrice, covers it up with humor, but that's for another day).
I'm sure that other's have already thought of this and wrote more eloquently. I'm not even sure this is actually anything. But what is tumblr but for me to blabber my thoughts out into the world?
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Okay.
So, first of all, there is a lot of shit I've seen as far as anons sending asks to Fleur that are super invasive and frankly none of their business. There have been anons that act like they're your shrink and there have been ones that do the condescending "I say this out of concern" but really you know they're just trying to feel better than you, right? Tell me if I'm getting that all wrong, but that's the vibe I get from those anons.
Fleur is a beautiful woman, and when I say that I'm not just talking about looks, though she is beautiful in that sense as well.
You're fierce and confident, which is something I've always, always wanted to be. I write cocky/confident characters because I write what I want to be, not what I am.
But there are some people that come on your blog and their asks and comments are.......... borderline stalkerish. And borderline is being generous. They ARE stalkerish.
This anon literally went on a friend's tumblr blog to ask if Fleur does drugs and you can't possibly see how jumping from one person's blog to another to ask about the first person comes across like a stalker? Like I kind of feel like the person that defended that ask IS the person that sent it because there's no way that many people think that was appropriate.
I get that Fleur is beautiful, confident, perhaps even a little sexy, but you can't just force your own mindset on someone you don't know. And you can't pretend that your goal is to show concern when you didn't even go to the person you were asking about.
Literally, I ask you:
What was the goal in sending that ask to someone that wasn't Fleur? Why did you need to ask her friend about her? Why did you have to bring a 3rd party into this?
And you know what? Now that her friend has been brought into this: how uncomfortable would YOU be if you had some random asshole on tumblr send you an ask asking something super personal, that's been talked about as something the friend has struggled with (because Fleur has brought up her issues with her addiction in the past)??? Fleur aside, you think it's okay to put her friend through that? What if her friend was a pushover and felt the need to answer because she didn't want to upset you?
Like there was zero point in asking that, there was zero good that could have come of asking it and whoever sent that ask needs to take a good, hard look at their life and the point of the decisions they've been making.
If you're bored, go masturbate. If you don't like that, go watch tv. If you don't like that, go read. If you don't like THAT, go find something else productive to do and STOP STALKING PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET, YOU FUCKING TROLL.
I'm sorry to you Lynxxie, and I'm sorry to your friend that people are such entire idiots. <3
Okay, rant over.
OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? This is literally like the nicest thing ive ever received, wow THANK YOU!! I don't even know what to say, this is just like so kind, I can't believe you took the time write this. Hannah, you the OG literally one of my first friends on this iteration of my Tumblr, wow, this made my night, no joke. I love you, genuinely <3
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You'll die on this hill huh? Blog for a racist, antisemite, transphobe, who supports paedophiles. Sorry but I don't think I can follow you anymore.
Hello to you too anon,
I don't even know how to unpack this. I'm so tired of having to answer to this fucking nonsensical narrative you guys have built. This is why if Scarlett ever went on social she'd just post a middle finger and then ghost all of you. Beyond that, it really pisses me off that you keep flooding my inbox with this bullshit. I don't come to your blog to tell you what to talk about anon. I see a lot of stupid things posted on here, but I don't go in people's spaces and say "you're stupid", because that's just not productive, and it's not nice.
But lets do this again anon, let's roll one last time, and then goodbye to you, have a nice life. Let's take it by subject:
Racist: Really? I googled racist Scarlett Johansson and literally nothing came up, other than the whitewashing accusations over her Ghost in the Shell casting. First of all, while the race of an android is something that we can go on about for a long time, and the casting of adaptations of Japanese content is another thing we can go on about for a long time (because e.g. a couple of years after GitS came out, nobody accused the actors or producers of Detective Pikachu for whitewashing, even though most of the actors on it were white), lets say I agree with you, that Scarlett shouldn't have been cast in that film.
She apologised at the time, and said she wouldn't knowingly take away a role that was meant for a person from another race. After all, the role was meant to go to Margot Robbie initially, and when she dropped out due to scheduling issues, it went to Scarlett. So, the role of Major in Ghost in the Shell actually went from one white woman, to another white woman.
Are you gonna go after the casting people for this, or are you gonna keep accusing Scarlett for accepting a role that she thought was meant for a white lead? You don't need to reply, it was a rhetorical question, I know you're not actually interested in figuring out how racism works in showbusiness.
Lets keep going, let's say you don't believe her, and that it was entirely her fault, that at the time she took away a role that would otherwise have gone to a person of colour. Well, it's been 7 years since she was cast for that role. She's been in many, many films since then, and not once has she taken a role from a non-white person. I think 7 years is enough time passed to think this person has learned their lesson, and won't make the same mistake again.
Anti-Semite: ..................... Scarlett is Jewish, anon. She has family that died in concentration camps. See, this is how I know that you don't actually care about any of this, you just enjoy bitching on tumblr, so thanks for making my life easier. I guess I'd feel bad if I thought I actually made you uncomfortable.
Transphobe: We cannot actually know that? She hasn't made any anti-trans comments, but she hasn't supported the cause either so, who knows? Accepting the role in Rub and Tug was a mistake, and once she figured that out she admitted it, made an apology, and dropped the project.
And don't make me go over the whole "I could be a tree" thing again. I can't deal. She was giving an interview for a pretentious French magazine, and the interviewer was going on and on about the art that is acting (and saying some pretty questionable things while at it), and when he asked her "what do you think is the job of an actor?" she replied that actors are people who emulate other people and can transform themselves to anyone or anything else.
That was on a philosophical discussion about the actor's "job". She wasn't making a statement against trans people, in any way. She was a USB stick by the end of Lucy in 2014, she was just pointing out the obvious and then it was taken entirely out of context, and I swear my eyes will one day get stuck rolled at the back of my head, reading yet another tree "joke".
Supports paedophiles: No. What she's said is that she's known Woody Allen personally for 20 years, and that he's told her he didn't abuse his daughter, and that she believes him. That he isn't a paedophile. That is in no way "supporting paedophiles".
Do I agree with this? No. I think Woody Allen is a questionable figure, at best, but I can sorta understand her position. I've said this before, I don't know how I would feel if a friend of mine was hated by the general public because he was accused of doing a horrendous crime that had actually never been proven (or disproven), and therefore I can't judge her for deciding to stand by him on this, I don't think I would have been able to do the same, but Scarlett has proven that she'll say what she believes and deal with the consequences. Fair enough.
That's it anon. Thank you for sitting around for one last rant. If Scarlett has been accused for some other shit while I was writing this, maybe for killing Kermit the frog, who knows at this point, please, don't slide in my inbox, I'm done with this and I'm certainly not above blocking. Go on and live your guilt free life, stanning white men who have done waaaay more questionable things than most female celebrities could ever hope to do in a lifetime, and yet get away from scot free for you to drool over without shame.
#anons#asks#Scarlett Johansson#the same vent#I need to find a less famous subject to blog about#my life would certainly be easier
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B2:S - Chapter 5
Much of this series will be about the differences and additions in the novel version, and how they contribute to my understanding of story canon. But there will be character appreciation, the odd theory and headcanon, and suchlike as well.
Here be lots of Viren deets, Best Boy Soren deets, some writing/continuity stuff, worldbuilding appreciation and half of a theory, Detective Rayla, Moon Temple geeking, Claudium and dark magic, and more!
Spoilers for Book Two: Sky below.
(I know for darn sure that I wrote up a post for chapter 4, but I can't find it anywhere so I guess Tumblr ate it and I'll have to redo it at some point, but today is not that day)
Viren, my evil dude, my bad guy, coming in clutch with the worldbuilding and backstory again! If you want to know decades of information, you gotta talk to Viren. Or read his scenes, at least. Here, he seems to not sleep much when he has a big problem to analyze his way through. Solutions trump pretty much everything else in this guy's life, and he's had a really hard week with a lot of new and complicated problems. Of course he's getting sleep-deprived trying to find his way through them all.
Harrow put so much trust in Viren when he made him High Mage! He just threw himself extra hard at that Lady Justice blindfold, didn't he? Didn't really want to see what Viren was doing in his magic study, so he left Viren to his devices. And Viren has a lot of devices.
Also, this is fascinating: Viren made the secret passage to his "less official study" in Katolis Castle! And he was inspired to do so by the way his own mentor kept the Puzzle House. What else could a Puzzle House be, except a place with secret passages? Yay! secret headcanon that "the Puzzle House" is just "Katolis Castle" from Kid Viren's perspective tho
So either Viren built all of those passageways, or at least the ones to his dungeon. Which means he has to have, or know where to get, a stash of those glowing blue Moonshadow crystals. Hmmm.
I can't wait to learn more about Kpp'Ar and young Viren, btw. From this description of Viren and all his literal secret ways, it feels like another parallel between Viren and Runaan, with the whole "secretive paths, members only, insider knowledge" type stuff. Only the really cool members of this cult club get to know the secrets, and guess what, kid, you're cool now but you can never tell anyone, okay? Our secret.
Yeahhh, that'll never backfire in any way for either of them.
Kpp'Ar calling puzzles and secrets "man-made magic," though. Yes sir, knowledge is indeed power.
This chapter mentions Runaan by name, from Viren's perspective. Generally that would imply that Viren knows his name, even though assassins do not share their names, and Runaan didn't seem to give his to Viren in the first book. However, there was a scene in book one where the last paragraph switched perspective from Viren to Runaan - a technique that's very common in visual media like movies and shows and gives you that "ohoho they left the room and didn't notice this, but you do!" vibe. Using Runaan's name there in book one, where Viren couldn't see it but readers could, helps them keep track of the assassin's story arc while maintaining Viren's racism.
So in book two, in which Runaan has no onscreen scenes (alas), using his name in a scene that calls back to the events in book one helps us remember what happened in that dungeon cell. It would be a bit muddier to recall the specifics if Viren kept thinking about Runaan as "Elf." So I'm cool with the perspective nudge because it serves a narrative purpose: clarity. But I'm also enjoying the angst of considering that, somehow, Viren learned Runaan's name either during or after the coining spell. Mwa ha ha haaa. (Obligatory "Keep my pretty name outta your mouth" goes here)
Okay, back to Viren's scheming! He took the mirror because it was human-sized in a dragon lair. He knew it didn't really fit there, and that made it interesting, so he stole it. But he realized it was really powerful when Runaan wouldn't tell him squat about it - the assassin's instinct to protect Xadian secrets from human hands meant that Viren was holding a very powerful Xadian secret. And that just made him want it all the more. Ah, Runaan, if only your relationship with lying was, like, the exact opposite of what it is. Nyx could've spun Viren a believable tale in 2 minutes flat.
Also of interest: Viren considers his cursed coins to be a final fate. He expects Runaan to remain in his coin forever. With the Chekhov's coins still extant in the storyline, we can assume that they'll come up again eventually, but Viren has no current plans to do anything with his elf money except carry it around.
It's worth noting that Viren admits that he got impatient when he trapped Runaan in the coin. Runaan's first fate in Katolis was supposed to be death at Soren's hands, but Claudia "saved" him from that. His next fate was to become spell components, but Viren's frustration with his stubbornness "saved" him from that fate, too. So now he's in a coin, where no one can chop him up at all. Yay? No, boo!
We get one last line about Runaan before Viren shifts gears: he makes a point of noting for us that Runaan's shackles are still locked shut. However much of Runaan made it into that coin - body, soul, hair care products - he was magicked there, pulled right out of his restraints.
The creepy black liquid that Viren pours right into his eyes is the last of a powerful potion he got from Kpp'Ar, and its recipe is ancient! Humans used it back in the age of Elarion to see through the illusions of the world. And we get a delightfully creepy bit of description about the preparation of this serum, which makes it abundantly clear that it's a Moon magic-based concoction, harvested from eyeless vipers on a moonless night, with the threat of irrevocable madness ("madness" by whose definition, though) if it's done wrong-
Hang on. Hold up. This is a Plato's Cave reference. OH MY GOD.
No no I'm fine, this is brilliant. Sorry, sorry, I couldn't figure why there was so much description for a potion prep that Viren didn't even have to perform himself. But now I get it. I see the light. HA. I should make a separate post for this, it's amazing.
Anyway, for reference, the humans who used this serum were called the Oracles of Ophidia, and Ophidia is a taxonomy group that includes all modern snakes. Can you say "creepy ancient snake rites"? I can! Woo!
Viren activates the serum with a spell, but apparently he's never done it before. He's not sure if it's supposed to be hot and bubbly, and he worries that it's been tainted by moonlight.
Oh, I do hope so.
The magic potion hurts, a lot. Viren will do just about anything, to himself or anyone, to do what he believes is necessary. He just risked madness and blindness to find out what this mirror does! Viren. Can you just. Take a nap or something. Have a Snickers.
This chapter gives us a fun clue that I don't remember from the show: when Viren's vision clears and he can see, his reflection has white pupils and the room reflected in the mirror has inverted colors. You know where else has inverted colors?
You know who else got white pupils for a hot second?
Okay, now it makes sense! Viren and Lujanne were both seeing into the realm beyond life and death. Him with his moon magic potion, and her with her moon powers on a full moon night at the Moon Nexus. Which is Very Interesting! Is it a direct hint about Aaravos's location, or just a separate cool detail? Orrr, does it look like a direct hint because Aaravos is actually trapped in the world beyond life and death, but it's actually separate and we'll see something about white pupils again later on?
Viren really does have self-esteem issues, we all picked up on it with his rant at his reflection. He throws a fit when he catches himself wondering if he's actually worthless. In the book version of his tantrum, he shoves the mirror and hurls a candelabra instead of flipping a table. He didn't need to shove the mirror to set the fire, but it's in here. Foreshadowing that perhaps, if push comes to shove, Viren will choose himself over Aaravos? Giving Aaravos time to peek through and see that the coast is clear?
Soren, my boyyyyy. He has a rough night at the Moon Nexus because two sides of him are fighting with each other. He struggles to understand Callum's friendship with Rayla, and he also fantasizes about chopping off Rayla's head. One of these is a pretty ordinary thing to do. The other is Soren's internalization of what he needs to do to gain his father's approval. If he brought his dad a chopped off elf head every week, he'd probably feel a lot more confident because Viren would praise him a lot more.
Okay, okay, omg, is it just me, or does the "Moonshadow Madness" story, as it's told in the book, seem like Soren just doesn't know what a monsterfucker is? He thinks an elf bite puts humans under a spell. But vampires are sexy, and some people want them to do more to them than just bite them. A passionate kiss under the moonlight could look very bitey, especially if one of the participants has horns and you're already culturally trained to hate them. No yeah, I'm already headcanoning an actual human-elf kiss that got misunderstood by an observer long ago.
it's Lujanne isn't it, we all know, because what is a love spell but a sweet soft illusion, I mean how else does she get supplies for her Caldera, I ask you, and also Corvus was totally sent to investigate once and he told Soren at camp what he saw
And then back to magefam angst: Soren pretending that his sister's nose-tapping is stupid, even though he actually thinks it's cool, just because their dad thinks it's stupid. Viren, istg. Let your kids like harmless things. It's so cute that Soren taps his nose back at her, though! Like they have their own sibling code. I hope we get to see the nose tap again, especially now that they've chosen different sides. It could mean so much, that they're not too far apart yet.
Rayla knows what buttery pancakes smell like. I love this. Do Moonshadow elves have butter and pancakes, does Rayla eat a stack of eight giant pancakes in the morning? Orrrr it is just illusion food? I don't care, let Rayla have pancakes! Everyone loves pancakes. Pancakes will save the world. this message brought to you by the fact that I can't eat pancakes rn, send help
I love that Rayla is both sus of the pancakes and hungry, and that combines into a very motivated "I will get to the bottom of this" attitude. She kind of goes into Poirot Mode when she inserts herself into Soren and Ellis's conversation about Ava, explaining about the wolf's illusion leg and segueing into her claim that the pancakes taste sus. Claudia confirms she used dark magic, and Rayla is furious. It's different than the show's version in that it puts Rayla in detective mode, as the only Moonshadow elf in the scene, and boy does she take that role seriously. Also, she doesn't actually swallow the dark magic pancake bite. It ends up on the ground just like Lujanne's grubs from that earlier meal. These poor kids are so nutrient-starved. You guys gotta eat!!
Rayla's determination and prejudices and the fact that she super knows Harrow is dead all dovetail to make her try repeatedly to persuade Callum that Soren and Claudia are Not To Be Trusted. It's nice that the book keeps taking the time to point out that Rayla is Well Intentioned But Flawed, just like Callum and pretty much every other character in the show. No one is Right All The Time, no one Knows More Than Everyone Else.
Callum loving the sound of Claudia's unique voice is so wholesome. When you like someone, it only makes sense that you like all the things about them that they can't change - like the sound of Claudia's voice. Her choices with dark magic, not so much!
Claudia seems to have the same concerns Soren does about Callum's relationship with Rayla, but she comes out and asks him. The inherent possession implied in "your elf" is interesting, though. Elves are not people to Claudia. They're enemies who can be disassembled for the magic inside them. So maybe more like robots than living beings, if she knew what a robot was. Maybe she heard Soren's "Moonshadow Madness" story and realized he totally missed the kissing implications - but she didn't, and now she's genuinely worried that Rayla could kiss Callum under a full moon and enchant him to do her will. Good thing it's only a half moon, then!
Okay, Callum nervously making a puppet hand and then not knowing what to do with his hands and freaking out about itching and moving and pointy elbows is such a ND mood. The sudden stress of knowing that someone else is noticing your existence and maybe you're Not Existing Right, amirite? Ugh, poor Callum.
The Moon Temple! Omg it's so pretty in the description! Made to be beautiful and useful, full of knowledge but also allowing light and life inside (butterflies and vines). Lujanne, when can I move in, please? Also, it's all the more angsty because Lujanne is the only one who gets to see this beautiful place, but it has lots of chairs and shelves and tables, and it was meant to be used by lots of people. :(((
Claudia knows some of the runes on the walls. She isn't in a hurry to copy the rest of them down or anything, either. Her spellwriting is very precise, and she's a skilled mage. Her father would have made sure she was aware of the dangers of drawing sloppy runes, as much as he made her aware of the dangers of doing dark magic wrong. And the whole point of dark magic is that it's easier to learn than primal magic. Claudia supports her dad and their shared knowledge and life path. She's not gonna go nuts over an elf library she can't translate.
Side note: Between Claudia knowing some Moon runes and Viren building a secret passageway and a dungeon and lighting it with the same blue crystals that Lujanne and Ethari use for light--and Claudia exclaiming that she loves ruins--I wonder once more if there are really Moonshadow ruins somewhere in Katolis, which Viren has found and looted. Father-daughter relic hunting trip, maybe while Soren is away at camp? Omgsh that would be so wild!
Callum out here having a Viren moment with his "I feel powerless unless I've got magic that lets me help" vibes. God. I love their complicated mirroring. One of the hard differences between them is that Callum is very sure dark magic is bad because you have to kill stuff and take its power to cast spells, and he doesn't want to be a person who kills and takes like that. The line he walks to be nice to Claudia on their tour of the Cursed Caldera because he likes her, while telling her that he doesn't want to do her magic, like, ever, is so fine that it might as well be a shifting shadow on the ground. It's a very fitting conversation to be having during the half moon, with its tricks and little white lies.
Callum being out of the castle and his comfort zone, having to deal with the fact that the Claudia he loves is not quite the Claudia who's chasing him down across the kingdom, but of the two of them, he's the only one with a problem with this.
They say that if you really want to get to know someone, you should spend time with them outside their comfort zone - in heavy traffic, with a small baby, taking care of a new pet, trying a new skill, following unfamiliar directions, etc. While the castle is familiar territory for them both, Callum's never really found his comfort zone yet, while Claudia is pretty comfortable with her growing skill set. The creepy part starts to kick in when Callum begins to realize that Claudia's comfort zone encompasses a whole bunch of stuff that seems like it should make her uncomfortable... but it doesn't. But that'll be for a future chapter!
#book two: sky spoilers#book two: sky#b2:s#tdp spoilers#viren#harrow#rayla#runaan#callum#claudia#soren#lujanne#moonshadow elves#aaravos
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As a fellow archeologist I find your inability to consider opinions of others, patronizing attitude and lack of self-criticism very unprofessional and off-putting. And the way you constantly shit on other lore bloggers just shows me how you’re okay with bad mouthing and bringing others down. And how you felt totally fine to just shit on people’s tweets that have nothing to do you with you for your personal video content just show me that you prefer to destruct and not create. Shameful
Show me examples of me doing that though. Because as far as I'm aware, I reblog other people's opinions, accept corrections and also actively ask for people to correct me if I'm wrong. Can't talk about the patronising attitude because I guess that's a vibe some people get.
I'm definitely okay with bringing other people down when they spread objective misinformation and refuse to amend it. If someone posts incorrect information, I'll do my best to correct them in the nicest way possible depending on the context. If they continue to spread that misinformation despite multiple people correcting them, then they can be shat on publicly which is incidentally also how things work in the academia.
Some other lore bloggers are just bad, yeah. I'm not perfect, obviously, and I understand that some might not like how I do things, but at the very least I'm not straight up inventing lore and misinforming people. And if I make a mistake, I am more than willing to have people point it out. Sometimes people also just disagree about lore. It doesn't mean the person I disagree with is bad, I just disagree with their takes and usually believe they're not reading through the text correctly. I could be wrong of course.
I'll absolutely shit on BIG lore content creators who literally GET PAID to do what they do. They can handle it. It's their literal job to talk about Destiny lore. They should know better. With their large platforms, their opinions will be taken as fact even if they end up being wrong. They aren't perfect, but everything they say is immediately a fact and they rarely post corrections (if at all). They also tend to drown out other opinions because nobody will listen to what someone on tumblr wrote when Byf said otherwise. It's not productive and even Byf himself said that people should look for other sources and not just listen to him (for which I respect him a lot).
Not sure what my ranting about tweets with 70 views has to do with anything tho. If anything, I'm the clown who got mad about random people on twitter. If you have a rebuttal to any of my claims, feel free to let me know. This seems to be boiling down to basically tone policing and not allowing people to be mean sometimes. I personally don't see a problem with being mean sometimes, especially when people say bigoted stuff and just plain misinformation.
The majority of my complaints about the tweets and big lore content creators has been the fact that NONE of them covered the most important lore piece for this entire year of Destiny (Immolant) and people have therefore not read it and pretty much everything that people say wrong boils down to that gap in knowledge. I am still baffled that none of the big content creators covered Immolant. It's absolutely mind-boggling to me. They know it exists because they referenced it randomly a few times, but there hasn't been a full coverage. How can you ignore the biggest weblore drop? All other weblore has been covered. Bizarre.
Also, not sure what my field has to do with it, but since it's been mentioned, I have to note that like... Academia is full of people being mean to one another and tearing each other apart in papers and on academic presentations. I've read papers and I've been to those. Academic discourse chews people up. Write something wrong and submit it to a paper and watch as the peer review shreds your paper to pieces.
#destiny 2#i guess#discourse#long post#ask#curiously me being mean to a tweet is a problem but you being mean to me is okay. hm#i don't mind btw. i've gotten a lot of supportive asks#it's only a matter of balance that i get non-supportive asks#i understand that some people are extremely annoyed when they see my posts#the great marketplace of ideas etc etc
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Today a person of my family was complimenting and admiring Bozos' stupid-ass fucking penis-shaped rocket...
They kept talking about how it's "amazing" and "genius" and whatever... They were really impressed by the whole "show" and by the technology used and I GET that on one hand, because it IS something different and new and it is impressive (which doesn't mean it is good, I'll develop later), and this person is much older than me and they kept insisting on how, for them, in the past, this would have sounded impossible and how it's amazing that it's happening! That one person would manage to fund that by himself and not a whole country! (which again, impressive, NOT good. The fact that ONE person has the same amount of money as a large country, while others are poorer and poorer every day... The slow erasure of a middle class as social inequality becomes more and more severe every day... The fact that all this money was conquered by exploiting several poorly paid workers in shitty jobs with bad conditions... All those are symptoms of a DEATHLY ill economic system that not only has gone WRONG already but still insists on pretending to be functional while dragging down everyone along with it to the absolute limit before it collapses entirely on itself, leaving a painful scar on the people it took advantage of AND on the planet it has exploited for so long).
Going back to the point, I get it that "space travel" is a magical sci-fi dream for many people, both young and old, and that older people who think differently from most of us young adult Tumblr users would be super impressed by it, BUT... This is still so... So bad! Most of it - if not everything about it - is such an absurd scenario!
Well, knowing by previous experience that criticizing Bezos' amount of money and how he acquired it would be useless and that he'd end up defended anyways, I tried criticizing the ecological aspect of the whole thing first! But the answer I got was "Hah! A lot of stuff pollutes the world much more and no one talks about it", which, like... 1- Your point being?? That's no excuse to ignore absolutely useless shit like this polluting the earth even more just so billionaires can feel special because they can go to space while millions of people starve, die and suffer. Besides the fact that insisting on investing in this kind of technology instead of trying to prioritize Eco-friendly technologies and research is PRECISELY why a lot of other things pollute so much more - because every time someone comes up with something new they insist on not giving a fuck about the environmental aspect of their tech... So both the issues are correlated, this is not a "different thing that is less important" this is ONE of the symptoms. And 2 - Yes we DO talk about it, very often, all the time, and we hate it, and criticize it, and wish it would change. How many younger people are legit extremely worried about the environment and about the several ways governments, industries and other large-scale processes like that damage the environment? Damn, we DO complain about those!
But OK. Didn't wanna argue, so I started just using my phone instead... Then another person joins the conversation. The two of them are now like "This technology may not be put to good use now, the Space Tourism is a bad idea and it's stupid... BUT they could use the same device for other kinds of travel! Something from the technology used here could be used later for useful projects! Imagine, we could use the same rocket type tech to make commercial international flights, for example!" and I was silently thinking "Yeah right and emit even MORE useless pollution just because people wanna get to other places EVEN faster! And just because some idiots who have the money would pay THAT MUCH to be able to go faster to Paris or whatever!"
That is NOT NECESSARY and it is not SUSTAINABLE, it is not viable in long-term! Why would we use this kind of shit that is MORE expensive and MORE pollution-emitting?? Because it's faster?? Well let me tell you something then! Being faster is not only unnecessary but in this context we are living right now, it's A BAD IDEA, because our society is ALREADY deeply sick about the need to speed up literally everything and everyone has anxiety and is unable to wait a single second for anything, and so they expect faster and faster results every time, and companies - who LOVE not giving a shit about workers' mental health and well-being - expect more and more and more in less time! And this adds up pressure and stress on people's lives - which, by the way, is one of the things THIS very person from my family always complains about 'modern days'... The fact is that if traveling between continents FASTER became an actual accessible thing, that would probably just become another stupid insane standard for our already impossible-to-keep-up-with lives! Because if you travel abroad so quickly, then you are expected to get back to work on the same day and fuck jet-lag... Or anything similar! I don't know!
Anyway, I did go on a tangent here because I'm so angry and I started ranting over my rant. Let me go back to the POINT.
I was silent all the time as they kept talking about it, because honestly, no matter what I replied, they'd be like "You're too radical!", "don't exaggerate", "there are much worse things" and SPECIALLY "but the scientific advancement!"
And my WHOLE POINT HERE is that this is NOT "advancement"! It is scientific creation, development even if you will, but not "advancement"! Because it emits ridiculous amounts of carbon and other kinds of pollution in a planet that is already suffering so much environmentally and literally CANNOT HANDLE that anymore!
It is not advancement if its so expensive that only the 1% people (who hold most the money in the world) can pay for it, while billions of others just watch and starve and die in floods and fires CAUSED by that sort of shit!
That’s not "advancement"! That is fucking technological masturbation coming from egocentric morons who only want to get more money and show off!
Advancement would be coming up with actual, real solutions that help people in their daily lives! Advancement would be coming up with technologies and solutions that would work BETTER for everyone and not just to fill billionaire's asses with MORE money! It would be to find new ways to do what we do today without destroying the environment, or finding new cheaper ways to produce products and services so that more people can have access to them! And this is the absolute OPPOSITE of that! It is insisting on a way of doing things that is outdated, unsustainable and destructive, and that doesn't FIT our reality anymore and should be left BEHIND while we still have time to change!
BESIDES scientific advancement has been happening ALL OVER the world for CENTURIES and all we need is that the RIGHT technologies get attention and investment. Eco-friendly technology EXISTS we could clean the seas, we could generate free electricity for all, we could invest on lab grown meat, we could do SO much that would be actually useful and nice and helpful, but instead those sons of BITCHES only want to play in space and maybe some day run away when the planet is too sick to be fixed, leaving us - the poor ones - behind to die.
The fact is that we don't need cocky, bastard, exploitative billionaires to have scientific advancement! It would exist anyway, perhaps in better ways! And people should STOP considering technologies that are more harmful to the world than helpful as "advancements"! Because they are not, they are a problem, they are like if a man invented a flamethrower inside a house that is literally on fire and everyone found it amazing because "now we can set fire on stuff more easily and faster" yeah like, AWESOME but can we solve the PROBLEMS caused by that instead??
And honestly, I hate the excuse that "space represents hope for many people in a world that is bound to destruction" like, there would be NO need to go to space to begin with if we focused on fixing what's wrong instead of that ridiculous bullshit disguised as research or whatever when it's obviously just two things: showing off their horrible amounts of money and making MARKETING of an unnecessary service that will only benefit those who already have the easiest lives of all of us while causing issues to all others! JUST so that these billionaires can make MORE money. It's DISGUSTING.
There is NOTHING wrong about space travel as a concept, nothing wrong with researching and developing technologies that may allow us to explore space! Space exploration would be AWESOME! BUT if we're gonna work on something like that, we have to develop it in a way that doesn't harm the world EVEN MORE. We have to have priorities! We have to focus on NOT destroying this planet, for FUCK'S sake! And if the only way we have to explore space right now is by damaging our already fucked up environment even more, then NEWSFLASH, BABY - this is not the TIME to do space travel yet! AND SPECIALLY NOT FOR BILLIONAIRE SPACE TOURISM.
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On the ending of Supernatural
Hi, I’ve never actually posted anything on Tumblr of my own creation (I mostly reblog stuff), but I’ve just seen the ending of Supernatural, and given that this is where I’ve been fed my SPN content, it felt right to share my thoughts here. I’m sure nobody is going to read this, but whatever, I just need to get this out of my chest. Sorry in advance if this is too long, but I have to type this out if I want to move on.
I still need to take some time to process everything that’s happened, because it is a lot. I did have my hopes up for the finale, thinking that Cas would at least show up, but like many of the fans, I was let down.
So I guess that would be the first issue I had with the episode. Regardless of what Dean felt towards Cas, if he reciprocated his feelings or not (which he totally did, I mean, we have all been watching the same show for 12 fucking years, and if you don’t believe me, there are plenty of metas that would support this statement), he still is his best friend and it doesn’t sit right with me the fact that he doesn’t even try to find a way to rescue Cas from the Empty. And okay, maybe he didn’t, make Cas got resurrected by Jack, then why the hell wasn’t he on the final episode? He was a pivotal character for the series, I mean, the proof is in the ratings: Season 7, when he was killed off to apparently never return, the ratings were at their lowest. The show may have started as just Dean and Sam, but over the years it became much bigger than them, and it is so disappointing that the show runners failed to acknowledge it. But I’ll get back to this point later.
Okay, I need to talk about Dean’s death, the only part of the episode that made me cry, because my poor baby had to suffer so much! Like, when he started saying that Sam never put up with John’s crap (which reinforces my headcanon that John was abusive towards the boys) and how much he admired him for it, my heart just shattered. I just love Dean Winchester so freaking much, and they did him so dirty... Don’t get me wrong, Jensen and Jared’s acting was 10/10, like, I thought I had a grip of myself and then Sam started crying and tears came back to my eyes. Nonetheless, I felt that the scene was so freaking long! I mean, Dean was dying, and he had time to make a 10 minutes-long speech! C’mon! Also, I get that Sam and Dean’s relationship is quite deep and strong and whatever, but I felt a bit unconformable watching it: it didn’t feel like a brotherly goodbye, more like a lover’s one. They were too touchy and intimate, and, overall, their relationship from this point on was coded as a romantic one, in my opinion. And Chuck, did I hate it! I have an older brother and I know what it is like to be close to your sibling and to love him more than anything else in the world, but the way they portrayed their relationship on this last episode felt incest-y, which makes me believe that this scene was originally written with another character in mind (cough CAS cough) or the writers don’t know the difference between romantic and brotherly love. To finish off, the way they killed off Dean??? I mean, I did expect Dean to die, but this was such a horrible and ridiculous way to go... I would have accepted it if he died actually fighting, but impaled??? After all he’s been through, after fighting so many demons, angels and deities, that’s how he dies??? That just felt cheap and rushed. Dean did not deserve that ending and I refuse to accept it. In fact, I refuse to acknowledge the existence of this whole fucking mess of an episode. Also, I just can’t believe that no one showed up to Dean’s funeral. I just can’t. I get that maybe it was difficult to bring in a lot of actors due to the pandemic, but they could have added them on post-production...
Next, we have Sam’s ending. He quits hunting and finally obtains his white-picket fence life. I did like the fact that he honored all of his friends and family that he lost along the way, especially Dean. Like, yes, if my brother died, I would like to keep a token (don’t know if that’s the actual word for it, my first language is not English), to have something with me that reminded me of him and to have him with me wherever I go. And I did like that he named his son Dean, in honor of his brother. However, we don’t know how he met his wife, we don’t even know who she is. They set up Sameileen for what?? Like, Sam and Eileen deserved better, tbh. And, again, even with Covid restrictions they could have done something to signal that Sam got married to Eileen, you don’t need the actor there. In fact, we never actually found out what happened to her, and just like I can’t believe that Dean didn’t even try to save Cas from the Empty, I can’t believe that Sam didn’t reach out to Eileen. Furthermore, the montage with his son felt cheap and a way to try to appeal to the audience’s emotions... (Btw, as a side note, the grey wig and the glasses, my god, they did Jared dirty 😂😂). But it wasn’t doing it for me, I didn’t care much for the kid, and while I do believe that was always going to be Sam’s ending, I didn’t like how it was executed.
And the worst part of it all: that suuuuuper long scene with Dean driving in Heaven, waiting for Sam. They could have used that time to show something more meaningful, even to develop a bit more Sam’s new life, how he adjusted to domesticity and fatherhood and all that crap. Or, I don’t know, A TEAM FREE WILL 2.0 REUNION??? And I guess this is my biggest issue with the whole episode. I get it, Sam and Dean are the central characters, the ones that started it all, but family don’t end with blood, and they were not the only ones who deserved a goodbye. They had formed so many bonds and friendships over the years, and to not have them address them on the final episode just feels infuriating. Especially Cas. His arc was not finished, he deserved to be on the finale. We never got Dean’s reaction to his confession, we don’t know how he felt about him, nor did Cas get to say goodbye to any other character. How did he get out of the Empty? What is he doing now? Is he still an angel? Also, he gave his life to save Dean, only for Dean to be killed not long after. My headcanon that is helping me cope with Dean’s death is thinking that he was so quick to accept his death because he was hoping to reunite in Heaven with Castiel. A girl can dream, ok??? But also, what about Jack? He is the new God, but I highly doubt it that he won’t drop by the Bunker from time to time, after all, Sam and Dean (AND CAS, ESPECIALLY CAS) raised him. And Charlie? Did she get back with Stevie? Did she and the boys go for drinks from time to time? And Jody? Donna? Claire? Sorry to be so repetitive, but I just can’t understand why the writers thought that these characters weren’t important enough to deserve a spot on the finale, and not just an off-hand mention (and not even all of them got that). Of course, the brothers are the main characters and their goodbye must be the longest and the most emotional of them all, but like I said before, the show stopped being just about the Winchesters on season 3, when Bobby was first introduced, maybe even 4, with Cas.
Overall, the finale left a lot of questions unanswered, most of them regarding secondary characters (but not less important for that!), completely destroyed Sam and Dean’s character development (Dean never got to be free, like he had been fighting for all season, probably all his life; Sam’s development is non-existing, as he ended up as he would’ve if he never had gotten on that hunting trip with Dean 15 years ago), and completely disregarded all the themes they had been setting up this season, probably on previous ones as well. It is sad knowing that the writers, either don’t know the show good enough to give it a proper goodbye, or they just didn’t care to do so. I don’t know who’s to blame here (definitely not the actors, though, probably someone higher up the chain), but I just know that I am so fucking disappointed. I expected more from the last episode of a 15-season TV show, one that has been part of my life for 7 years. I guess, that despite all of it, I can’t hate Supernatural. Maybe I was not a hardcore fan like some people on this site, but I did care for the characters and what happened to them. This is the show that introduced me to the world of shipping (Destiel will always hold a special place in my heart, it doesn’t matter how badly their relationship was treated, as well as the characters) and I got to discover one of my favorite characters, Dean Winchester. He is just such so complex, one that I relate to on so many levels, and his relationship with Cas has been the source of many short stories that I’ve never posted anywhere, but that have made me take up writing again. That’s the reason why I love the show so much, it has helped me tap into my creativeness and go back to writing, a passion of mine that I seem to have forgotten over the years. Anyways, maybe one day I’ll publish some of those stories, and maybe even write my own fix-it fanfic, but right now, I can’t deal with anything that has to do with the show, I am too hurt. Maybe once the five stages of grief are over, I might give it a try and read all of the amazing codas and fanfics that I’m sure will be posted here or on AO3. But for now, Supernatural is dead and gone, and I don’t want to talk nor think about it anymore. I’m done wasting my time here, because I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing this past 7 years after watching this crap of a finale.
To finish this long rant off, I just want to say thank you to some meta-writers, the true heroes of the fandom. Thanks to them, I carried on watching the show, because they made me have hope that things will get better. They are the ones that have made this experience worth something, and even though I’ve never spoken to any of them, I see you and I love you. Thanks for everything ❤.
@tinkdw @charlie-minion @dotthings @heliodean @verobatto-angelxhunter @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover
#supernatural#spn s15#spn#carry on#destiel#supernatural finale#personal rant#dean is bi#dean winchester#sam winchester#disappointed#dean winchester deserved better#destiel forever#jack also deserved better#every fucking character deserved better#character development who? don't know her#castiel#spn spoilers#spn 15x20
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