#and then she proceeded to explain how much this person cant do. i dont even know their name why would you tell

[surrender-souls]

maybe i shouldve told someone other than the gossip besties that the art teacher when talking about her friends autistic kid and then promptly finding out im autistic and took offense with how she talked about them basically said ”not like that though”

#theres a difference between recognizing a persons need to be taken care of and completely disrespecting them. #she crossed that line. like i mentioned me being autistic and saying how low functioning isnt really used by us #and then she proceeded to explain how much this person cant do. i dont even know their name why would you tell #your whole art class that? its a total breach of privacy #i have never met them they had never given me permission to know that! i doubt they want you going around telling us that! #and she said it in a way that was definitely demeaning. i doubt she has this person as an actual person in her mind #and i dont think this was even a kid! like iirc theyre around our age! like fucking hell #this is one of many stupid bullshit things she has done that make me despise her. sad because art is my biggest passion #and to have a teacher who is a total… i dont know? would bigot fit? also her husband is a cop. #and she has a blue lives matter patch on her apron. i want to mention that half or more of our class were poc #shes also a huge harry potter fan. instant red flag she doesnt shut UP! about it. #she also said that in older art women were naked a lot because “their bodies were worshipped” #which is blatantly untrue and also confirms that she just. does not think of trans people. #which if she werent an hp fan i would take as just another stupid cis person moment but the deeper vibes are there #oh she also constantly points out how one of us always draws darker things while completely disregarding the reason she draws what she does #not all dark things are edgy im sure you know and talk to her enough to know the trauma she puts in this #i definitely have stuff on her that at the very least would get her in trouble. but i dont wanna go talking to departments #its hard for me i dont like talking to teachers and people i dont know… but maybe i could say something anonymously #my parents are fed up with her too for different reasons #i speak

[azurlily]

Dating Cassandra Kiramman would be like:

"Oh, well hello there. I'm Cassandra Kiramman, I'm sure you know-"

You tripped and fell. I dont make the rules. You got flustered, tried to walk away, and then tripped and fell back onto her.

You thought she was going to practically kill you. Instead, when you got up she grabbed you and pulled you a bit closer.

Reminding you to be careful. She proceeded to continue what she was talking about and at the end of the night invited you over for tea for the next morning.

When you went over she was flirting the entire time. She was very touchy and tried to get into your brain. She wanted to know everything she could about you.

You realized what was going on an reminded her she has a husband. She laughed. She fucking laughed.

She explains that her and her husband are polyamorous(this is kind of a lie oh her part) and he has no issues if she takes on new lovers. In fact he quite encourages it.

You were sceptical but she proved to not be lying. So, where does that leave you?

As hers of course! She takes you out and shows you off. While your relationship isn't exactly open, it isn't private either.

No one seems to ask questions when they see how close you two are. Hell, not even her own daughter asks questions.

You know she has money and you know she lives a lavish lifestyle. What you didn't know is that, now, so do you.

You want her to buy you something? Just ask, she'll get it and more. Theres a pretty set of earrings you want? Show her, they're yours.

Cassandra's very protective, she knows that being so close to someone with so much power can make you target for Zaunites or others that want to hurt the council.

Cassandra has a bodyguard watching you when she isn't around. She just cant risk losing you, no, she wont allow it.

She dresses you up. She goes into stores and buys whatever she believes is good enough for you, and had you wear them. Doesn't matter what it is, could be a cute dress, some shoes, new lingerie.

She(much like her daughter) loves to take you out of lavish dates. She'll find the pretties places in Piltover and take you.

If there is somewhere in specific you want to go, just say so. She'll set it up as soon as possible.

Balls. Like dancing, music, those types of things. She takes you and flaunts you off. While she isn't the best at PDA, in private is an entirely different story.

She'll hold you close and dance with you, stopping every few songs to dance with her husband.

Speaking of husband. How do you feel about him? He treats you with the utmost respect, and you two barely see eachother. The last time you saw him he told you that Cassandra had stopped talking to her other lovers.

It was just you and him. You knew she had other lovers, and didn't really realize how much time she was spending with you.

You two talked and Cassandra admitted, you captivated her. Your are just so beautiful, and an amazing personality to go with it. She loves you so much.

Fighting was never something you two did often. It has happened once or twice, and usually, it ends with her calling for you.

She'll call you, wether you answer determines how she reacts. If she has to call you more than three times for you to answer after, well the conversation gets heated.

She tells you shes sorry, and at that point she's crying. She was so afraid of losing you, she cant lose you. She pushed everyone else away, just for you.

She wont let you go. She knows it and so do you. You eventually come to her house and she showers you with love and attention.

She apologizes profusely and even if she didn't mean it, you dont think you couldn't not forgive her.

Cassandra treats you like her princess, while yes, she knows the dangers of the two of your dating and how much trouble you would be in. She takes precautions to make sure you never get hurt.

Cassandra worships you(you do the same) she treats you like you're her goddess. She treats you like you're important... no. She treats you like you're more important than her husband, and that threw you off.

You noticed you've been seeing less and less of him. Until she tells you, the two are staying married for Caitlyn, and political reasons. She never really loved him, even if he loved her.

She had other lovers to fill the gap, fill the need for another. Not just any other, you.

You don't know this, but shes been watching you for a while now and now she has you. You are just so, darling...

NSFW UNDER THE CUT

Control, resolve, sadism. Those are the three things this woman knows best.

She knows how to get you to listen, be you a brat or not.

She has great resolve, she's patient and willing to draw things out.

She likes to see you cry, she likes seeing you in pain.

Let's be honest, Cassandra is a regal, annoyingly hot, and rich bitch. She can take you anywhere, anytime. She of course had a reputation and would never.

She's thought of it more than once before, though. Imagining someone walking in as she has you on your knees tounge inside her, her gloved hand running through your hair.

She has a thing for oral. She loves when you eat her out. The first time you did it she was a mess, lord knows she couldn't move for bit after.

Cassandra likes the idea of you being clothe-less while she is mostly dressed. It gives her a sense of pride knowing that you submit in such a way.

Knowing that you trust her is a big thing in her eyes. Cassandra doesn't want you to be afraid of her sadistic tendencies and if you are she is more than willing to cut it out of sex entirely.

If you're a masochist this makes things easier for you both. Cassandra will most definitely have you on your knees prepared for her to spank you till your ass is cherry red.

She has a mommy kink. Loves being called mommy, and will call you variations of baby, baby girl, pet. So on and so forth.

She checks in, she needs to make sure you're okay. Especially on days you're doing something that's going to put you in a weak state of mind.

Overstimulation is something she enjoys as a punishment for you. She adores the idea of you lying back twitching, shaking, cum between your thighs, and tears on your face.

The idea of it sends her into a frenzy.

"Oh- oh, yes! Yes, keep going, good girl, such a good girl! Yes, mommy needs this, you know just how- how to. F-fuck!"

When she needs you, she'll take you. Even if she must wait, once you two are in the comfort of her home. She's taking you in every way possible.

Cassandra's an experimentalist, she's willing to try(almost) anything once. She knows you have needs and like things that she might not know of, or find all too pleasurable.

She is more than willing to try at least once.

You've tried a scene where you're a maid whose broken something, and she punishes you.

She takes you into her room and has you undress. She grabs a flogger and has you bend over her lap.

"Tch, you broke a very, very important vase. It was gifted to by an important noblewoman. Since you refuse to do your job right, I'll have to take this into my own hands. Start counting."

50. Your punishment was 50. It hurt, and after she had her fingers inside you. She edged you, not letting you cum. Repeatedly getting you so close to relief, but never truly giving it.

Her aftercare is something else. She caters everything specifically to you. She buys beverages, and other things she knows you in specific like. She takes her time finding the best brands.

She buys special blankets for the two of you to snuggle in, she buys soap in comforting smells and bath salts too. She takes care of you because she knows how rough she can get. And doesn't want you to feel as though she doesn't love you.

It's been fixed.

#wlw #lesbian #arcane #arcane cassandra #cassandra kiramman #cassandra kiramman x reader #arcane headcanon #headcannons

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hello it is Aeon again, im not sure if that is the right nickname that i chose last time though..

id need.. support and validation i guess? because this wont leave my head anymore.

TW for mentions of abuse (no details though). also TW for mental health professionals.

so i managed to get into therapy like a month ago and today i told her that i feel guilty and bad for thinking of how my parents treated me as abuse (even though i know it was atleast somehow damaging) because i didnt think they are bad people. she then proceeded to ask me what i meant with "abuse" and made me explain to her that i meant them emotionally abusing me (i sadly dont remember all of the conversation anymore). i feel like she didnt really react to me literally telling her that i feel guilty that my parents abused me and ive had that happen so much that i dont feel understood by things like that and that makes me unsure if i should even continue seeing her (i also just had a psychiatrist not believe me and thinking i was "just depressed" when i was literally not functioning and reliving the worst time of my life).

i know i should probably talk to her about it but i hate confrontations and i feel like i should be able to trust her to pick up on things like that?? shes not a mind-reader, i know, but im so confused about this, isnt she the professional?

(she has also told me that all of my previous professionals cant read minds and that they couldnt pick up on something that i didnt speak my mind about, when i said that i felt like nobody did anything to help me (which is a weird response to me feeling angry about past professionals when i was still in a place of abuse at the time i saw my first psychologist, and couldnt verbalise any of it and also didnt know a lot of things like that i was abused at all* or that i was an undiagnosed suspected neurodivergent kid))

*(just to clarify, me not noticing it was abuse was because it was normalised in my family. it still felt bad but i thought it wasnt that bad and that its just normal to go through)

im sorry if this is a lot of text!! :/

i hope you have a great day!

- Aeon (they/them)

Hi Aeon,

I'm sorry about what you went though.

It's important to feel heard and respected by your therapist. I understand how intimidating it can be to confront your therapist if they say or do something wrong (like being dismissive), but I think it's important to remember that a good therapist will take the criticism seriously and make an active effort to improve.

I'm also not sure if this is your first therapist but sometimes it's a trial and error process of finding the therapist that works for you. I've had four different therapists over the years and just had my terminating session with my current therapist a few days ago, so I'm on the search again. Just know that you deserve to be treated with respect, especially from someone like a therapist, and so if your therapist doesn't respond well to your confrontation, it may be worthwhile to look for other therapists. That being said, there is no obligation to confront her, as you're right that you should be able to trust her to recognize when she goes out of line.

One of a therapist's essential goals is to enter your phenomenological world and leave their biases or agendas at the door, meaning that they try their hardest to understand what you're going through and who you are as a person, and put any opinions or biases aside.

If you feel your therapist doesn't make you feel seen, heard, or appreciated, then that could be something to consider as you continue or terminate your therapeutic relationship.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #aeon #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse

[izana-enjoyer]

this is not what i usually post but i just need to vent about this somewhere

i find it so ridiculous how men set these crazy beauty standards for themselves thinking “this is what women want” and they tell each other what women like but they never ever actually listen to women. most times women don’t like the things or simply do not care about such superficial things but then i find it even MORE ridiculous when men finally listen for once and then they don’t believe it and keep just listening to other men… and then they wonder why women don’t like them when theyre so “perfect” in their own opinion and other men in their silly men bubble praise them. (ngl kinda gay to care about men’s opinions si much, why you tryna look so hot for other men hmmm?)

anyway here a few examples:

saw a post where a woman explained that she doesn’t like big dicks since they hurt, men in the commenta didn’t believe and joked about it and then proceeded to keep on believing in the senseless big dick supremacy meanwhile women can’t give a flying fuck about someones dick sizes and if they do they usually prefer normal sizes

saw a girl say that she would date a fat guy, all guys in the comments said that she’s lying. why do guys not believe that she could date a fat guy?? is it so unbelievable because yall wouldn’t date a fat person and you guys cant understand how someone wiuld date one?? hmmm? you guys think that fat people are undateable so you cant even believe other people could possibly date fat people?

saw a guy ask a girl why men get shamed for not having sex and the absolute queen of a girl answered “who is shaming men” and then the guy answered “men”. like here you have it. why are women questioned about these standards when men are the ones who set them and keep these standards alive

LIKE im so sick of the way men just dig a whole for themselves and then blame women for the high standards when you guys did it to yourselves. grow some balls, listen to women and dont be a men pleaser. do whatever u like and be yourself. but also men who shame other men for their looks etc, just stop it. its not helping anyone. and please keep women out if all this drama because we have nothing to do with it yet yall keep ditching the blame on us. thank u. im out

#feminism

[marvel-m-lee]

Squirmy Tony •Part 2- M-Verse•

Warnings: Medications, small mentions of blood, no gore dw x

Fandom: Marvel

●○●This is a Tickle Fic Story●○●

-M-Verse may also include Gore in some chapters-

-

Steve sat at the window in the Lab while Tony worked. Slight blush on his face from when Rogers had tickled him to hell but he tried to focus.

Steve was drawing in the little A5 pad Tony had handed him, he watched the stars outside and tried not to worry about the girl whom he had saved hours prior. He began to focus on Tony, watching his every move. Once he had noticed his pattern and his main move, he began sketching the philanthropist.

He looked at the little details, like the way his hair was a littke greasy and messed up, the tiny drops of sweat and the way his eyes focused on his work. Moving his eyes from the paper to his friend seemed comforting, the billionaire may be a genius but he absolutely sucked at comforting, so it was nice that he could be from afar.

Steve drew a little version of Tony, leaning over his desk and focusing on one of the IronMan helmets. After a while Steve placed on the finishing touches and smiled between his friebs and his art.

"You alright there Roger's?" Tony asked, still working on his helmet.

"Much better, thanks Tony" Steve smiled at Stark and then turned back to his drawing to add a few more shading detail. Unknowing to Steve, Tony could and always could see Steve in his visual perversion, so Tony saw the smile and continued to smile back at himself with a smirk.

Stark coughed to cover it up and then stood tall, turning to see his Super Soilder friend.

"So what did you draw in the end?" He asked walking over.

"Hmm? Oh nothing too great. Just some trash" Steve chuckled to himself, soon noticing the playboy walk over to him to get a glimpse of the art.

"So you gonna show me?" Tony asked impatiently, leaning his head to the side. Steve then looked back and forth of his friend and drawing. He shrugged and turned it around, sure Tony would get annoyed at him for calling him trash.

"Oh damn Rogers, that's pretty good" He seemed surprised, he knew the super solider enjoyed drawing but he hadn't expected him to do so well.

"Yeah, but its such a trashy model" Steve sighed, silently chuckling to himself as he got up. Tony gasped, placing a hand on his heart and stepping back.

"Excuse you! That model is one of the best around, though ya didn't get my ass" Tony Winked at the soldier, he knew he was only messing so he played along.

"Meh, but it ain't America's ass is it?" Steve smirked, stepping closer to his friend with a mischievous look in his eyes.

"Nah but its better" A remark Tony would quickly regret at the strong blond man lifted his friend into the air and over his shoulder and began walking him to the couch in the lab.

"Steve! Steve put me down!?" Tony knew what would happen, but his ego was too big to let go of.

"Okay" Steve then threw his friend onto the couch long ways with a humph. Tony tried to crawl out but there was no way he could. Steve had grabbed his arms and placed them above his head as he sat over the smaller man that was between his legs. Tony and Steve locked eyes, mischief burning.

"Let go Rogers-" Tony hesitated. Steve thought for a moment, jokingly of course, and then agreed.

"Okay!" And dug into the brown haired man's sides causing a squeal to escape, followed by heart laughter, after a second Syeve slowed down and started to spider his fingers lightly across his stomach, this made thousands of babyish giggles escape into the open air.

"Steheheveeeeehehr!!!" Tony pleaded as he tried to think straight, he wasnt expecting it to go like this, usually Roger's would start by teasing and lightly then rougher, this time he went all in and it caused a brilliant reaction.

Steve began to drag his fingers up Tony's sides and ribs, occasionally tapering the man, sending him into squeals and wiggling around even more harshly.

"Steheheveee! NooAHAHAAAHHH NAHH" Steve tasered the billionaire and shook his fingers between his rib cage.

"Sorry Tony, does this Tickle?" He teased, making the billionaire squirm even more, leading perfect access to his underarms. Steve shit his hands up that automatically caused Tony to slam his arms down, they both stared at each other for a moment. Tiny nervous giggles coming from the all powerful Tony Stark and a mischievous look coming from the War Hero Steven Rogers.

Suddenly he began to wiggle his fingers in the mans under arms, making him buck and squeal, trying to push Steve's scratching arms away.

Tony wasnt the most ticklish person in the world, no where near, Steve might have been a tiny bit worse to be honest. But Steve was much larger than Tony, and knew all the ways to make the billionaire scream if he wanted to. Turn the richest, sarcastic, one of the most powerful men in the world into a puddle of giggling laughter.

Steve scratched the unshaven hollows of Tony's armpit, then began to scrape down his ribs. He soon had the billionaire begging with his belly laughter and tingles everywhere.

"Stoooppppp!!! StehAHVEAHH sT0Ppp!!!"

Steve knew Tony was tired now, so he did the last thing he would usually do to torture his friend. Steve lifted up the white tank top his friend had on with slight dirt on. Tony knew what was about to happen, and squirmed more than he had before. Trying to keep his shirt down. It only landed him with Steve sighing with a smirk and placing his hands above his head.

"No- no Rogers don't you dare- I cant- no- NO STEVE DON'T"

Steve then bent down to the billionaire's outty belly button, and blew on it sending shivers down Tony's spine.

"But you always love it" He smirked up. It always seemed to surprise Tony how taunting the blond man really could be.

"Roger's! Ihihi- nohoho" Giggles began to sprew out Tony's mouth, Steve had begun blowing on it and his belly, just pushing cold air.

Suddenly Steve stared Tony right in the eyes and placed his lips over the man's most sensitive area, blowing a massive raspberry causing an inhuman scream to come from the billionaire mouth.

"NAHAHAHA" Tony buzzed as the sensation spread through his body, making him squeal and laugh harder than before. Destroyed by ticklish sensations the man gave in, his laughter echoing throughout the compound.

Steve let go of his arms and sat next to the now curled up teary man on the couch giggling. He patted his thigh and laughed laying back closing his eyes just listening to the laughter. Steve was and is glad he had these moments with people, it made him smile.

"Fuhuhuck youhoho" Tony giggled, clutching his sides and belly, turning onto his back to look at Roger's. Steve opened his eyes and innocently looked at the billionaire in confusion.

"What do you mean Tony?"

"I'm getting you back capsical" Tony Grunted.

Steve laughed, he knew it was probably true, but even so he enjoyed the memories. It wasn't uncommon for the two of them to get into tickle fights. They weren't sure why but it was an unspoken agreement between the two of them. It made everything seem a little more child like in their hectic lives.

Tony lay back, still clutching his sides as he giggled his way back to reality, Steve chuckled at the endless giggles that poured from his friends mouth. That's when F.R.I.D.A.Y notified them of the young girls health.

"Mr. Roger's, the young female child you brought in earlier is now getting better. If you would like to see her she's reating but is in good condition."

"Thank you F.R.I.D.A.Y, I'll be going" Steve hopped up off the couch and smiled at his sighing genius friend. "You wanna come?"

Tony sighed for a moment, opening his eyes looking over the super solider. He grunted, "sure, why not" the man proceeded to get up and sigh looking towards Steve. "F.R.I.D.A.Y, delete the last however long that tickle fight was footage."

"No! Save it and put it on a tape or something, dont delete it please." Steve smirked at tony who now was blushing a little harder with a death glare. "And anyways, it wasn't really a tickle fight, more like an ambush in which you failed" Steve began walking off as a very pissed Tony was left to glare at him before running towards him to follow.

Tony pressed the code pad and they both exited. Tony then tweaked Steve's side, making the much larger man jump and stare at him. Making Tony laugh.

The two made their way to the med bay, chatting about the mission and what Tony had actually been working on the whole time Steve had been sketching him. Once they made it there they saw Bruce outside waiting for them. He smiled at the super soldier and other genius.

"So that was the laughter I assume?" He asked pointing his head at Tony and his light blush, the billionaire rolled his eyes but couldn't suppress a smile, Steve on the other hand automatically agreed and laughed with Bruce.

"Well anyways, now you're done would you like to come see her?" Bruce already knew the answer so they all walked into the Med Bay and towards the young girl while bruce explained the situation.

"She seem's to be alright to some degree, her heart is beating quite fast or slow at sudden changes and her blood type seems a little off (your blood type) but it seems okay. We've stitched up a few wounds but otherwise shes healing appalling fast which is a good sign. Allhough she is pale and quite skinny."

Steve looked over the young girl, her hair was now much smoother, having washed out the gruesome things now her (y/h/c) hair stood out even more. Her skin was washed and she were now in a much cleaner hospital grown.

"Shes gonna be alright, but Tony I need to speak with you" Bruce turned a little more nervous within his speech as he motioned Tony to follow him as Steve looked over the girl.

"What's up Anger?" Tony joked, he saw the girl, she seemed fine- well to a degree. Something was off but he pushed it away.

Bruce looked between the girl and Tony, then focusing on the male he began to explain once more, "She has no record. I can't find anything on her from her blood type, she had woken up earlier- dont tell Steve. But she was out of it, she seemed in pain but dizzy. I asked her if she could answer some things and she agreed quietly, she said her name was y/n y/l/n she doesn't remember anything else though. I've searched files and even got F.R.I.D.A.Y doing back round checks on y/l/n's but we found nothing"

Tony raised an eyebrow and looked at the girl and Steve, "you found nothing and she presumably has no life?"

"Nada nothing, it's like she came out of no where. Not only no life, no family, no DNA relatives of known. Even her DNA seems intertwined." Now both men were watching you. Yes, you.

"I guess we've got a new kid then" Tony shrugged.

"What? Tony you can't just adopt her-"

"I dont see why not? She has no life Bruce, nothing. What are we going to do with her? She has no records and the government will have questions. It's best she stays with us" Tony explained, still watching you as Bruce watched him. Partchly in shock but he too could agree.

"I mean... are you sure Tony?"

Stark shrugged and chuckled turning to Bruce, "I've already got a teen or two, how hard could it be?"

#tony x reader #steve x reader #steve rogers #tony stank #tony stark #the avengers #writing #writer #bruce banner #hulksmash #y/n #reader insert #tickle community #sfw tickles #steve x tony #drawing

[smol-grey-tea]

I was gonna write the romo attraction thing today but honestly i dont feel like doing it bc im just rlly upset about smth that im sure a lot of ppl can relate to

So my irl friend groups are very... well they dont know much about these kinds of things, i had to be a walking encyclopaedia for them about my identities like nb stuff bc they didn't bother to just... look it up.

When i told them i was trans they would say "omg are you actually trans?? I have a trans best friend!!" Yikes

Instead they would ask me to explain it. Which is fine, i kinda hate having to explain for the 5th time that no, using the correct terms and pronouns is not a fucking burden, and that yes, dysphoria is awful and wont just magically go away.

and when i tell them to yk, not use pronouns for me and just use my name instead, not 1 person did that. They just... misgendered me and used she/her when i explicitly told them that it makes me dysphoric. I then told them to use coo/coos/cooself instead bc i quite like it, but they still didnt use it.

Then i gave up and told them to use they/them since it doesnt make me dysphoric even tho i lowkey hate it. They still misgender me but said "they'll try to get used to it". Its not that hard guys what the actual fuck???

Anyway, i was actually going to talk about aspec stuff. So i only told one of them that i was demiromantic demisexual, and they said "wtf is that" which yk is not a nice way to react to someone coming out, but i have thick skin so i just explained it bc again they couldnt bother to search it, and they said "ok ig" and changed the subject when i wanted to explain my attraction???? I've never had anyone that i could talk to about my complicated feelings with being aspec and just when i thought i could i was shut down.

I thought it was over and done with, until they started to... ignore my fucking identity??? Which i would say is way more important and personal to me than my bisexuality??? They never did any of that bs with my bisexuality probably bc they were pansexual themself, but jfc is it that hard to not make jokes about me being horny or having a crush or joking about setting me up on blind dates??? It legit made me so uncomfortable and i have no idea what to say.

Bc remember, they didnt exactly respect my pronouns and kept using gendered terms to refer to me even more after i came out??? I swear it feels like its on purpose every time they called me a girl but whatever

Istg they forgot that im demi bc they keep making these jokes and ignoring that i dont feel sexual or romantic attraction like that and keep acting as if i want to date ppl or fuck them when i say they look pretty??? I spent way too fucking long mistaking my aesthetic attraction for sexual for ppl to once again reinforce this idea and im done with it. Please for the love of god stop it.

I said i liked wilbur and thought he was rlly cute and they then proceeded to, you guessed it, act like im in love with him or that i want to fuck him. First of all, hes a real person on the internet that i do not know, 2nd of all, fucking eww, and 3rd of all, hes a whole ass adult and we r both in high school. Yikes again.

Ofc i didnt tell them these things and just said that i dont like him that way and just thought he was pretty and nothing else. They completely ignored this and thought i was just embarrassed or smth or that i was in denial. Yikes again again.

So yeah. The only lesson i learned is to never come out as aspec to anyone irl ever again. Tbh i kinda want to tell them that im not bi and that i dont feel any kind of attraction. It would be a lie but christ i wish they would stop. They can validate my bisexuality but not my nb or aspec identities? I knew that queer sexualities were more normalized now which is awesome but why cant they do that for trans ppl or aspecs? Why does it have to stop there?

Sorry for venting like this but i thought this might be relatable for yall. Ive never had the experience of feeling "broken" bc of any of my identities, im very confident in them. I just wish other ppl other than my online friends would feel the same.

Also sorry for delaying the romo attraction thingy i just rlly dont feel like it rn. Idk when i will write it but hopefully if i feel better i will finish it today

There's no pressure to write it up dude it's cool :) whenever you're ready ❤

And those ppl do not sound like good friends- idk exactly how old you are but ik I'm older, and I can tell you for certain that you will find better friends one day. It's guaranteed :) they don't deserve your friendship and I am glad to validate and help you in any way you need ❤❤

Yee I've never felt broken either! I think an element of that is that I thought I was allo for a very long time? But on the other hand I was bullied in my childhood for not having attraction so idk why that hasn't manifested into a phobia of romance but eh I'm better off this way whether it makes sense or not.

It makes me happy as well cuz a lot of ppl in the community seem very pessimistic abt how we're treated but it's nice to know that not all of us feel broken cuz the 2 of us are living examples of that :)

But unfortunately yeah, your experiences above are things many ppl can relate to. I'm sure almost everyone can remember a time where they came out to someone and weren't met with good responses,,

Let this be a reminder that this is not right and we deserve more support for something so personal. Even if you don't understand someone's identity that doesn't give you the right to dismiss or ignore them. Our identities are very important and personal to us and supporting them is basic respect.

#my post #ask #long post #lgbtq #aspec #aroace #aroacespec #non binary #transgender #neutralitea #transphobia tw #aphobia tw #acephobia tw #arophobia tw #swearing cw

[jazajas]

okay so i finished love, victor a while ago and i saw some other reviews and thoughts about it here so now i've got a pretty good list on my thoughts and feelings.

tl;dr: it has some issues, yes, but im gonna hold out and hope it gets better later on because the same thing happened with the first few eps, i wasn't that into it but then it got good, and nothing is ever great with the first season, because at that point we're getting used to those characters.

⚠️caution: spoilers ahead (im on mobile, i cant get an under-the-cut)⚠️

1. while a leah on the offbeat movie would have been amazing movie sequel (even tho i havent read the book yet, im just here for the wlw content) i am kind of glad we got this instead. mostly because I've seen book series where one movie was good, so they decide to do the rest, turn out bad (hunger games? divergent? percy jackson? the hobbit?) because so much was cut from the book-to-first movie writing, that other scenes wouldn't make sense to future movies if they had those in while cutting others. however, i am sad that i didn't get to make the choice of deciding whether what was cut was wrong etc. about future movies, but i'll take what i can get.

2. LGBTQ+ POC as a lead! that's amazing! as a ace/bi lantina that's close to home (it also is great that victor's from texas and so is ya gorl) and even then it's a mixed latinx family! i think pilar mentioned that at least the grandmother left Colombia and i saw the Puerto Rican flag in victor's room. also the salazar's are definitely from small town texas, even without knowing the name. (church barbeques, the use of the words "such a diverse city" in regards to atlanta)

3. a lack of actual lgbtq+ main storylines (so far) is kind of sad for a show like this. i was getting serious bi/pan vibes (as a lot of other people) from victor from the beginning, and when it was implied that victor was actually gay (while great, not shaming) as it has been brought to my attention, there was a lot of looking at a lot of straight relationship problems (please let us know more about benji)- edit 6/18: upon further consideration, it very much is a show about questioning your sexuality, I'm speaking about the other straight relationship issues, not mia and Victor's, its just the first season.

4. let us talk about cheating for a sec. never okay, in any circumstance. i feel sorry for mia that she saw victor making out with benji and the fact that he was doing any of that in the first place. victor made a choice to lie about the espresso machine and then kissed benji at the hotel and then when benji was fighting with derek, basically confessed his love and mistakes, then proceeded to makeout with benji after he broke up with derek, he built that grave and now he must lie in it. i get having feelings for a guy when you are in a relationship with a girl, and not accepting yourself enough to end that relationship but you really want it to work so you can be "normal". really, he should have told mia after he got back from the trip tho. i get being in highschool and doing stupid stuff and making dumb decisions, but for a show aimed at teens i think we should also remind said teens to make good choices even if we have to lose some realism within the character choices.

4. pilar and her decisions based off her brother pissed me off. because i honestly think that if she'd kept her mouth shut about what she knew or confronted victor about it in the first place we could have avoided a LOT of mess. did she not learn from snooping around her mother's business about her relationships that going behind a person's back doesnt end well? i did, however, like the pilar/felix friendship and was really kind of hoping that they'd get together during their coffee hangout (although now im glad that didn't happen) because they had a deeper understanding of each other. same with wendy/felix, although they do seem to much alike to work out in the long run but i still feel bad for wendy.

5. i don't know how i feel about lake and andrew, as people separate from each other. both seem to be the way they are from their upbringing (not confirmed why andrew is such an ass, but if his comment about his dad is anything to go by i bet it's got something to do with attention) but andrew seems to be less, idk, superficial? like he turned down mia because he didn't want to be a rebound, he didn't out victor, he actually stood up to early teasing the other dudes in the lockerroom were doing at victor (with teasing of his own obviously but that interaction had him on my nice list until much later). lake? lake. i honestly don't have an opinion of her? not really. i mean after hanging out with pilar i was hoping felix wouldn't go back to lake. is her name laken? i feel like her full name is laken. but they also played the "im only like this because my mom is really superficial about stuff and i do like the geeky nice guy but appearances" to "actually screw the norms im gonna makeout with him infront of the whole student body". i honestly thought she was gonna be bi because she kept hitting on mia when she was helping set up for her "date" and "big night" and there was one point where i saw her face fall at something mia said in relation to her and idk i was hoping she'd be bi (i figured early on that victor/mia wasnt gonna work and was like "oh mia/lake would be cute" but now idk.

6. okay on to the "big night", i have one word. NO. i didn't like the peer pressure into having sex. i agreed with felix when he said "your body your choice" but im also disappointed that victor made out with mia and when lake was talking to felix after victor left he didn't try to stand up for victor.

7. on to age gaps because i hadn't really thought of this at first. we'll start with benji/derek: WHAT GRADE IS BENJI?! because that determines my thoughts. if he's a sophomore that meant that he and Derek started dating benji's freshman year and thats eugh, don't do that, don't care if its a gay couple that shouldn't be happening because the maturity of the two characters is DRASTICALLY different (this is also a reason i am not a fan of cmbyn) but that would explain why they were so rocky. hoping the event at the gay bar was open to anyone not just for drinking, but not liking that fact that not one of the adults with victor were like: hey, this is a 16 year old, that's kind of wack when that dude was hitting on victor. that made me question some stuff. although i figure it might be making up for the lack of a gay bar scene in love, simon. but even then, in svthsa it's a restaurant with a bar that some people go to just to drink at, it wasn't just a bar, simon could be there but should NOT have accepted drinks from college kids, not matter how attractive.

8. i loved how bram and simon and their friends helped victor out though. i like how bram was like: hey i know my friends are a lot so here's a gay basketball league becaue there's no one way to be gay. i like how Simon talked about needing help himself just to help victor and how he said his friends were cool with it because it's a community. i like of justin(?) mentioned how being what his parents wanted was putting on a mask and pretending, not him doing drag. my favorite lines from that ep are: "and before you ask my pronouns are they/them/theirs" "'they're all gay? even that guy? he's like [insert really tall number]' 'yeah. you should see him in heels'" "or in simon's case: really unathletic" "and also because bram said that if i wore [the jean jacket] one more time he'd burn it". also katya was there. and the group hug too!

9. the back hand homophobia in relation to family is sad, but realistic and i sincerely hope his parents are kind enough not to be too harsh on victor because of it. anything they say that isn't positive or supportive of victor is bad but i hope they realize that there is more to him than that and that they can come to terms with it because it's not always that hard to be a part of that community and super religious. i am biromantic and catholic. and while there are some things i wont agree on my mom with, i know that it's more of a strike against God for kicking out gay kids from families than it is to be gay, because those parents were given trust by GOD to love those kids no matter what, and be good parents. so in the end, the parents are wrong and harmful and in the case of christians against jesus's teachings to love everyone.

10. this is fan speculation but dont think simon/bram are going through a rough patch? i honestly think it'd be a little cruel to the characters to have on of their actors be producing but then not have that relationship stay. and while it's not set in stone and obviously things happen in the real world, we have no proof script wise about there being a rift. all we have are bad photoshopped ig photos and scenes where two characters are never standing next to each other probably beccaue schedules never link up correctly for minor characters. who knows, maybe nick robinson was filming for a movie where is does have an even more major role than victor's gay guru in a series about victor so his filming time was around that. im gonna keep hope that things are okay.

11. that being said: we need more mainstream wlw content, because someone said it earlier and it really does seem to be catering to straight girls. i'll admit i did freak out when benji played call me maybe which is something i associated with him and victor but then kissed a guy because who wouldn't? we get that serenade and sweetness and then it'a ripped from us. but i did mellow out. if i flipped later it was because victor was making dumb decisions and i had to give myself a moment of compsure before i continued.

in the end, i'd say that there is a lot of growth this series needs to go through, but i also know that some people just aren't going to like it and i get that. but i also know that sometimes the best of stories have rocky starts, nothing is ever perfect from the beginning. and besides, further seasons are on hold until we figure out this covid thing, which means that you bet they're gonna be looking at our feedback. they saw what we thought before, they can do it again

i really did like it but we need more ACTUAL lgbtq+ relationship stuff from this series and better decisions on what we are teaching the younger generations, as well as what we want to focus on and realism within characters. i'm giving it an 8/10, because there is always room for growth and i really hope we get better things out of this than what we have been given in season 2.

edit: someone mentioned it really seeming like it was meant for Disney+ and i felt that. also to anyone who reaches the tags agter reading ALL OF THIS: i am sorry

#love victor spoilers #love victor #love simon #simon vs the homosapiens agenda #leah on the offbeat #simon spier #bram greenfeld #victor salazar #felix weston #jas rambles #i have opinions #and i am very tired #just like in general #like my current state of being #although i am tired of straight being constantly shoved down the thoughts of lgbtq+ people #and like the state of the world because people are bigoted a-holes #but like #it's nice that they upped the airing because they didn't want to conlfict with juneteenth #although now im questioning motives on why #was is out of support? or the want if making money #who knows #i sure dont #i hoped there aren't too many grammatical errors

[qboo78]

Episode 11 thoughts

There is just a lot of things to unpack about the truth & dare scene and the confession scene. It is all thanks to such amazing cast and their great acting that there is a lot of nuance to those scenes... it makes the scenes work so well and the things that are left unsaid is even conveyed...

first off it started with the bottle pointing to Yi Seo, with Yi Seo not very happy to receive truth questions, then everyone reacted with wanting to ask questions anyway but Sae Ro Yi seems fine just letting this one pass, then Geun Soo, this sly boy, called him out and ask him if he has any questions for her. Sae Ro Yi being put on the spot looked at Yi Seo gauging her reaction, while Yi Seo is of course suddenly amenable with receiving questions if it comes from her Sa Jang Nim lol, I found it very telling how Hyun Hyi is very interested on what Sae Ro Yi will ask, but Sae Ro Yi looking at Yi Seo seems to sense her vulnerability and decided to not ask any questions and said “Not really, I know everything about her”. Yi Seo took the words as like Sae Ro Yi saying I’m not really that interested in anything more about her... but, what was telling was Hyun Hyi’s reaction to Sae Ro Yi’s words and actions, maybe because Hyun Hyi is so much older than Yi Seo but she seems to understand why Sae Ro Yi refrained from asking any questions, Hyun Hyi’s smile at Sae Ro Yi seemed to imply “Aww, he does not want to put her on the spot, that is sweet” and she seems to not be surprised about that, can I say that Hyun Hyi feels like a Sae Ro Yi x Yi Seo shipper like me lol. I like that Sae Ro Yi listened to Yi Seo and understood that she is not really comfortable with this game, but I also know that Yi Seo’s vulnerability that she showed when she welcomed Sae Ro Yi to ask questions was because she wants to see if Sae Ro Yi will be interested in her enough to ask questions, it’s a case of these two looking at the situation on different perspectives and it seems only Hyun Hyi is clever enough to pick up on both. Yeah, I love how they acted this part. Then Geun Soo, being young, determined and greedy in love, just do not have the maturity to demonstrate what true loving is about proceeded to demolish Yi Seo’s plan ruthlessly. He started off by staking his claim by saying that Yi Seo has made an implied promise to him that she will accept his suit if he takes over Jangga and asked her if she remembered that. Again, kudos to Park Seo Joon for the subtle acting, when Sae Ro Yi heard those words of Geun Soo, you could see if you really pay attention how Sae Ro Yi lost his smile after hearing those words... It seems Sae Ro Yi is actually bothered by what was being said. He does not seem to be happy that Geun Soo and Yi Seo have an understanding. Seung Kwon then ask Yi Seo, if there was something going on between them, Yi Seo said an emphatic No while on the background you could see Sae Ro Yi is still looking at Geun Soo with a not happy expression on his face which is at a contrast to Soo Ah's reaction who does not really care about what is happening hehe.. you could see Sae Ro Yi and Yi Seo have identical expressions of not being happy at the situation on their faces...

He seems out of it too coz he was startled when Yi Seo told him “Sa Jang Nim, it’s not like that” like he shut down for a second and then when he said “OK” he doesn’t seem to truly believe her...

Again, Hyun Hyi is really after my own heart because she was quick to get Seung Kwon to change the subject and she even said it's not fun.

Then we got the first kiss question and Sae Ro Yi seem to have froze before he could answer the question lol... Yi Seo liked the idea that she was the first kiss lol even though for me it doesn't really qualify since she did it while Sae Ro Yi was drunk, which she should not have done in the first place lol. Then next we got the Are you just friends with Soo Ah question and how Sae Ro Yi responded to that question was just... i dont know how to explain how off his response was it was like he was just reading the phone book... he gave more emotions when he was talking about Yi Seo's importance to Danbam in the other episode smiling and saying "I can't imagine Danbam without Yi Seo", He said "I like Soo Ah" but he does not seem happy about it, he did not smile, he did not even once looked at Soo Ah in this whole scene not once but if its regarding Yi Seo, he would look her in the eyes and he just keeps on looking at her in this scene. Again Sae Ro Yi is just clueless about his own feelings i think, it could just be my shipper heart but Im just not convinced... Soo Ah seems to be touched with his reply but is not so happy about it? Sigh, she said she likes Sae Ro Yi but yeah just not buying them as a unit yet...

Then because Geun Soo seems to be in a self destructive mood he went ahead and ask Sae Ro Yi AGAIN if he has feelings for Yi Seo... Sae Ro Yi's reaction was instantaneous like "This again??" and he does not like the question but he also looks challenged by Geun Soo, then he looked to Yi Seo again gauging her reaction, the previous question about Soo Ah he never once looked at Soo Ah lol... this makes me think, why Sae Ro Yi? why the hesitation? Why you have to think about what your feelings are for Yi Seo? Why are you looking at Yi Seo right now before answering? What are you looking for to find in her expression?" Like Seung Kwon said "What kind of question is that? Isn't it obvious?"

After looking at Yi Seo, maybe he saw again her vulnerability and seem to decide on something, i mean kudos again to Seo Joon for his acting coz he did a clenching of his jaw then answered the question. See what I mean on how Yi Seo can bring out Sae Ro Yi's emotions while about Soo Ah, he is just like an automaton lol. If Sae Ro Yi truly did not have any feelings for Yi Seo, he would just immediately and simply said no to Geun Soo... why he had to qualify how he looks at Yi Seo with "dong saeng (younger sister) and partner?" I might be reading too much into this but....it just feels like Sae Ro Yi is lying or hiding something... I could be wrong but that is how I see it the way Seo Joon acted that scene like there is something happening beneath the surface coz the tension was just so thick... poor Yi Seo just cant help reacting to his words though, my heart just went out to her, i mean she was already hurt and wounded with Sae Ro Yi's declaration of "I like Soo Ah" and she was able to hold her hurt feelings in but hearing the words of "No (to having feelings). Not even once." would just be too hurtful for a person crazy in love... I don't want to see Yi Seo hurting because I just love her but Kim Dami's acting here was just so heart renching in a good way... It just felt so real and just make me relate to her so much... I am so thankful that Kim Dami is the one playing Yi Seo, if it were someone else I do not think I would enjoy and love Yi Seo so much as much as I do, I mean I would still appreciate Yi Seo’s character a lot but Kim Dami playing Yi Seo is just phenomenal... it was the same reaction I got when I first watch Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock and Martin Freeman as John Watson.... their acting was just top notch and breathtaking...anyways this is already a long post and I will continue my thoughts (review?) on my next post... the confession scene will be next...

#itaewon class #itaewon class spoilers #jo yi seo #park sae ro yi #kim dami #park seo joon #ma hyun hyi #lee joo young #episode 11 is daebak

[mysteryofren]

Til The Next Goodbye

part 21 of So Happy Together

part 20: https://mysteryofren.tumblr.com/post/617577835021926400/the-most-of-it

 You woke up feeling the sun on your skin. It was the last day of vacation. The past few days have felt like a dream. It was all because of Cal. you guys spent almost every moment together since that dinner on the balcony. Your grandfather and you even had dinners with him and his parents.Cal was a dream come true. He made you forget about what was going on back home. You lived every moment with him, as if nothing was wrong. As if the deep pain you felt before never existed. When you were with him, certain names disappeared from your mind, and all you knew was him. Now it's Sunday, and it's time for your dream to end.  You stood in the hotel lobby bags in hand standing behind your grandfather. 

“So text me when you land, so I know you got there safe.” Cal said to you while your grandfather got everything in order.

“I will,” you replied. “I'll miss you.”

He took your bags in his hands, and helped you walk out to the car waiting out front for your grandfather, and you. You walked out with him and helped him put them in the trunk. 

“I'm gonna miss you too.” he finally said. You both hugged and pulled back looking into eachothers eyes. It was a bittersweet moment.

“Actually, I'm gonna miss you a lot. Y/N these past few days have been amazing.” 

Your grandfather walked out, and Cal immediately grabbed his bags offering to put them in the trunk for him as well. Your grandfather obliged, and got in the car to let you finish saying your goodbyes.

“Cal,” you began. “Back home I have a lot of stuff going on in my life. You made me forget everything. Being with you made me feel better, and I'll never thank you enough for it.”

“I wish we could have more time.” he said.

“I know.” 

“Till the next goodbye.” he whispered.

 Without thinking you pulled him down towards you, and gave him a gentle kiss on his lips. He kissed back, and you both stayed that way for a few moments before you pulled away.

“Till the next goodbye.” you replied.

 Your grandfather rolled down his windows, and said goodbye to Cal. As you got in you felt the car start. Once he was done saying bye to Cal the car drove off. You looked out the window as it passed by everything you grew to know and love in the past few days. You planned on sleeping during the whole flight, so you could try to attend classes after you landed, but your head was too full of thoughts to try. Leaving Cal behind hurt. It wasn't a major pain, but it stung. You liked him,a lot. He gave you a taste of what thing could have been like back home. You really couldn't thank him enough.

You sat in the airport. Wishing that maybe your families could have come to the airport together, but he's leaving on a later flight, and you both were going seperate places. You felt more sadness come over you the closer you got to the airport. You weren't sure if it was over leaving Cal or going home. Once you got to the airport you and your grandfather talked. You both looked back at all the moments you spent together. He talked about Cal too, and how much he liked him. You had a feeling he likes someone better though. Eventually it was time to board your plane. You got to your seats, and immediately took some sleeping pills. You and your grandfather talked before he drifted off. You try to think of positive things about leaving, but all you could focus on was the overwhelming mess you were coming home to. You it was silent so nobody could hear you, but it was a good cry. one that released all your sadness until you eventually fell asleep.

 It felt like it had only been an hour. You felt exhaustion take over your body. Your grandfather had woken you up. The plane had just landed, and it was time to leave. You heavily reconsidered going to class. It felt like you were dying. Taking out your phone to look at the time you saw you had a few messages, but were too tired to care. It felt like things were going by fast now. One second you were on the plane, the next your grandfather was driving you to your dorms. After a long talk during the car tide he agreed to call you out of your classes today so you could rest. You rarely missed school, but it felt like if you did go you would fall asleep during classes.

 Once you got to your dorm he helped you get your bags to your dorm. It was pretty early. Everyone was up, and probably heading to class. Once you reached your dorm room you saw her. Rey was standing by your door and looking at you and your grandfather as you walked up. Why was she waiting? Did she want something? Or worse Did she know?

“I'm glad I caught you two before I needed to leave.” she said with a smile.

“Well I'm glad you did,” your grandfather replied while hugging her. “How are you?” 

You opened your door and moved your bags in while they talked. Once everything was in you stepped out to join in the conversation. 

“Well, I figured since I have you here I could ask if there was any way we could have dinner this weekend? Maybe lunch?” 

“Why of course, my dear, how about Saturday?” he asked

“Saturday is fine by me. Is Saturday good for you Y/N?” she was asking you?

“Oh I thought you were just asking him.” you replied. 

“No, I'd love for you to be with us. After what happened the other week, I think it's about time we start trying to get to know eachother better.”  Okay what the hell was happening? Did the plane crash and this is just your personal hell?

“Uh.. yeah sure I'll be there.” she gave you a smile and hugged you before giving one to your grandfather. 

“Alright I’ll meet you at your house Saturday.”

“Wonderful, my dear.” your grandfather said.  She said goodbye as she walked off. 

“I take it the incident the other week is the reason why Luke wanted to speak to you?”

“Uhh yeah. I'll tell you later though I feel like i'm about to die.”

“Well try not to do that, love.” he chuckled. You both hugged and said your goodbyes. You walked back into your room and threw yourself onto your bed. You were surprised Elaine didn't wait for you to get back. She probably went to meet up with Matt before classes started. You couldn't wait until she got home. You wanted to tell her all about Cal, and his family. You wanted to show her the pictures, and give her the gift you got her. You laid out thinking about what you would tell her, and eventually drifted off.

  You woke up to knocking on your door. You looked at the time, and realized school was still going on. Who could be here? You got up and went to open it seeing Hux on the other side. 

“Hey, Phasma told me you got called out, but I wanted to bring you your grandfather's key.” 

“Oh thanks, you wanna come in?” you said with a smile.

“Yes, “ he stepped in and you closed the door. “So how was Italy?”

“It was pretty fun. I made a friend there and we kind of went around exploring together. What'd I miss here?”

“Well not much. Matt and I hung out a lot since you Phas, and Elaine was gone most of the time. I even spent time with Ben, he's quite the fellow.” Ben. a name you tried not to think about for the past week.

“Oh yeah, what was that like?”

“Well, Matt and I went to his house to hang out, and in the middle of a game of chess, he barged in and started messing with Matt.” chess? That's a very Matt and Hux thing.

“About what?” Why would anybody want to mess with Matt? He's so sweet. 

“I'm guessing it's a sibling thing. Matt said Ben and his other Brother do it a lot. It's quite weird though. He also kept looking at me like he was angry at me.”  you knew why he was doing that, but you couldn't tell him. You two kept talking until the first bell went off alerting everyone at lunch that they only had a few minutes before the real bell rang. He got up, and you both said your goodbyes. You figured it was a good time to check your phone, and see who had texted you before. You had 3 messages, one from Elaine, one from Ben, and one from an unknown number. 

‘Hey, I gotta do some things in the library before class so I wont be there when you get back. I can't wait to see you again!’ you quickly messaged her back letting her know how much you missed her during the week. 

You weren't too excited to open Bens message, so you left that for last opening the one from the unknown number first 

‘I know its been a while, but I would like to talk if that's fine by you.’ 

Who the hell could that be from? you texted back asking who it was that wanted to talk. Then finally you opened Bens text. 

‘I know you dont wanna hear from me, but please just talk to me. Hearing you tell me you wanted me to leave killed me, and I never want to hear it again. Just hear me out please.’

Against your better judgement you texted back. 

‘Why should I? What makes you think I want to hear what you could possibly have to say?’ Why was he so desperate? Did knowing someone else liked you really make him that mad?

 ‘You cared at one point. You can't just stop caring.’

‘You stopped caring, so why shouldn't I?’ 

‘I never stopped caring. Don't ever think I stopped caring.’ 

‘Well it sure seemed like it.’

‘I told you I did care, why are you so upset about this?’ What is it about men that no matter how many times you explain things they don't get the problem?

‘You're joking right? You kissed me, and acted like you were into me then not only did you ditch me, but you pretended like I didn’t exist and then proceeded to date someone who absolutely hates me.’

‘Ok I can see why you would be upset, but just hear me out.’ 

‘Were you dropped on your head as a kid?’

‘Pretty bold of you to assume I was held.’ Even when you're fighting he's trying to be funny. You cant fucking stand him.

‘Stop making jokes when I'm trying to be angry at you.’

‘Ah ah ah you just said trying which implies you aren't angry.’ oh fuck him.

‘Fuck you.’ 

‘I know you're trying, but I want to explain myself first ;)’ ok that's it. 

 You laid back into your bed and tried not to scream. He's so infuriating. How can one person perfect knowing exactly what fucking nerves to get on. You didn't hate him. You still wanted him, and he knew it. He was using it against you almost. You heard your phone vibrate again. A message from Ben.

‘Please. Just let me talk to you’ 

Another one.

‘You don't even have to say anything. Just let me talk.’

Another one.

‘Please.’ 

You sat for a moment before replying.

‘If I listen to you. Will you leave me alone?’

‘I won't give up on you. Not again. I will stop texting you though. Like right now.’ 

Damn. there wasn't going to be a way out. Might as well. 

‘Fine. I'll listen to you.’

‘Perfect. My grandparents are having another dinner in a few weeks. We can talk about it then.’

 Oh great, another dinner. 

‘Don't worry I made sure your parents weren't coming this time.’ 

Okay, that's better. Another message from him. Came through.

‘I'll see you then, sweetheart ;)’ 

  You really wish that message repulsed you, but it didn't. You hated that it didn't. On one hand you wanted to talk to him. You wanted to talk to him so badly, but you knew you couldn't. What would everyone think if they saw you two together? Everyone knew Rey was at the top of the social food chain, and if they saw you with Ben, they would tell her immediately. She would ruin your life. Make you a joke to not only your friends at school, but to everyone in town. Everyone your parents knew. Everyone who knew your grandfather. Worst of all your grandfather would most likely believe her. Nobody would take you seriously. It was dangerous to talk to Ben. even to text him was risking it. You immediately went and deleted his messages just in case.

 The last week of your life felt like a dream. Now it felt like a nightmare with him, and Rey after you. What would you do? What would you say? You can't think about it now. You're too tired. You can think about it tomorrow. Just then your phone vibrated again. It was from the unknown number this time.

‘I think it would be best if I stopped by. I'll see you soon.’ Who the hell was coming?

Tags: @pylopenpolo @wumboho @duty-isnt-always-honour @wondering-wishing-well

#ben solo fanfiction #bensoloxreader #ben solo #teen!ben solo #ben solo x reader #reader insert #teen!reader #kenobi!reader #star wars x reader #star wars au #star wars tfa #star wars tros #star wars fanfiction #star wars #star wars jedi: fallen order #cal kestis x reader #cal kestis #obi wan kenobi #grandpa! obi wan #general hux #armitage hux #captain phasma #rey of jakku #rey

[okamigekidoo]

TW // S*uicide mention / depression talk

Dont read under the cut if you dont want to see. 

Today i feel more like shit than ever. Posting here bc I wanna rant, and be able to type as much as I want without having to make a whole thread. 

Today I got diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder (as originally stated), and major depressive disorder (moderate), and the one that bothers me, is Dependent personality disorder. 

I fucking hate myself right now, because if I would’ve known this months ago maybe there wouldn’t have been problems and I wouldn't be sitting here completely dissociated. Frustrated, and impulsively wanting to kms just bc of how mad I am and frustrated with my stupid little brain that I have. 

They told me I’m likely to develop BPD as well but they think they can stop it before it develops, which is cool I guess. Glad I don't have that or narcissistic personality disorder. But part of me doesn’t even care at this point. I thought having labels would help me, but getting these labels were fucking worthless and I’m sick and tired of existing only to continuously screw up because apparently my PTSD is worse than I thought. 

They then proceeded to tell me that, my attention span is actually shit. Like, the lady put on the diagnosis that she didn’t think I was even listening when she was talking and I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even know I “wasn't listening” I thought I was but I guess not. I feel completely and utterly hollow.

Like, ok, I have a label, now what? Now fucking what. Oh that's right. Nothing. Because nothing matters to me and I literally couldn’t care less what my life becomes because there's nothing left for me here on this stupid, pathetic, ugly planet that’s worth living and fighting for because I’m just some over-exaggerating, careless, manipulative liar. I’m not worth anything. To anyone.

Dependent personality is basically “I deal with shit until I snap because I’m pathetic and cant learn how to say no, stop, this thing bothers me and then need someone to deal with me/it” in a way that sounds polite, or caring. And my idiotic fly brain cant listen to anyone and I don't know why. I thought I was listening, I thought I am? Is it just bc I hear what I want to hear? Is it just because I have tunnel vision, but in my ears???

I feel like I know nothing about myself, and never will. I don't understand myself, I don’t know what's happening, and I don’t know if I even want to understand anymore bc the more I try to understand the worse that everything gets in my life because all I’ve learned to do is ruin everything. 

And saying “I don't mean to” makes it sound like an excuse, or dismissive. Idk how to communicate. And I think all in all I give up trying to make close friends, relationships, anything. Because I'm either too distant, or too clingy. Too nice, or too mean. Too this, too that. Because some fucking personality disorder just had to develop in my dumbass little brain. 

And the more I try to explain it to people, the worse it all gets. I’m crying, in the middle of a fucking call, typing this shit out because I'm so lost in my own head. I feel like nothing. I'm some brain, in some corpse. Waling around. Doing things. I don't even remember.

Dependent personality disorder, is basically, I depend on everyone else to basically. Survive. Emotionally, physically, all of it. I always thought I was rather distant to most people...but I guess that’s bullshit. I’ve been proven otherwise. 

I had plans to talk to my therapist about other things today, but then this diagnosis came out of nowhere, and I feel completely locked up inside. I dont want to move. I dont want to feel. I want nothing to do with anyone or anything. I just want to complain into some stupid screen about how shit I always am and always will be because this will be with me for the rest of my pathetic worthless little life. 

Dont want to fucking live anymore. I’m honestly just. Done. With everything. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to get better. Idek if theres a reason to try. No one is here. No one cares. So why try at all. Ever. 

People would be so happy to see me 6 feet under. They probably would’ve been glad to see it months, upon years ago. I know I would’ve. All these failed attempts and im still here. 

That paper did say I do shit with error 99% of the time. Probably bc im not listening or something. I dont want to think about this anymore. I just want everything to stop. I want to die so I dont have to feel. To think. To try. I’m just ready to give up because im trash and will never be good enough. 

#vent

[blue-eyedangel21]

I’m sorry..

So I wrote a whole essay yesterday only for tumblr to be really stupid and I lost it. Anyways, I came to write out my feelings and my thoughts before being done with this tumblr.  I've mentioned this tumblr to you before and you didn't care enough to even look at it for yourself. So I'm sure me typing all this is a huge waste of time but its worth losing this amount of time to let out everything I need to, to move on. It's time I put this all in my past. So we tried again recently.  And I fucked it up. Because that's all I've been doing for years now.  I'm really sorry, truly, for how i behaved and lashed out on you. It's not okay how I handled that situation.  But I have told people time and time again that I am NOT doing well mentally or emotionally. And I was not kidding nor exaggerating, as you had to find out the hard way. I did try to calm myself down when I was mad and said how I felt and what I thought at first in the most calm way I knew how then you proceeded to be an asshole and talk to me sideways. So I lost my shit. You had the opportunity to see my ugly"asshole" side.  You say I can't handle yours  when I dealt with it for a year, but you couldn't handle mine after ONE time of lashing out on you. I did NOT ghost you. I told you in the voice clip, that I was done. YOU said you weren't listening to it. So therefore it was your fault that you didn't know i was done. Your fault that you didn't take the time to hear what I had to say and went around saying I ghosted you. In that moment of anger, I was done with you. But of course like always after my anger and feelings have calmed down, I felt like shit and regretted how I behaved and the stupid decisions I make when I'm upset. So in all of that out of control emotion, I lost you. And IT IS MY FAULT. And yes I do regret it. But what is done is done. I admitted to being the problem.  But im not all of what was wrong in that relationship.  You too had issues of your own that you did not hold yourself accountable for. And I dont find it fair that I had no problem admitting I was the issue and holding myself accountable for that and my behavior. However I rarely ever heard you own up to your shit. So I'm not taking all the blame but I can take most of it because some of it was me too and not just you. But I bet you are okay with me taking the blame for all of it. The constant leaving you was not because I wanted to but because of how you made me feel. Yet I felt like I couldn't live with you, I also couldn't live without you. And that was the confusing part. Why i probably kept going back and forth. I never felt this way about anyone . I never felt like I couldn't live with them but I couldn't live without them either. You have disrespected me many times and I bit my tongue and said nothing. My whole life I've been around drama and bullshit and narcissistic abuse.. so I dont know how to be confrontational in a healthy way or how to communicate effectively without feeling like im always the problem or im wrong or my feelings are wrong. And etc. It's hard to explain but a lot of that has to do with what I had to deal with growing up and still somewhat dealing with it as an adult. So im trying to break myself from bad, unhealthy, toxic behaviors and habits. So thats why im still doing and reacting the way i am. I am 25 years old and still dealing with that shit, its not part of my past yet, but it will be. So thats just explaining why I'm like this, not excusing it.  So the times I left were mostly YOUR fault. But you also left at least  2 times too..so it isn't all me. Every time I would for sure leave you alone, youd come running back. Just when I thought I could move on here you were. And sometimes I was the one running back. Like I said i was confused. But im not running back this time. I'm not gonna reach out to you. I dont hate you nor do I love you any less. I still love you with all of my heart and that hasn't changed nor will it ever even if that has changed for you because of how I've hurt you. But for me this is speaking my truth. And thsts the truth. I'm sorry that i threw everything we were trying to build together, in the garbage over an argument and because of my emotions and my mental health being so terrible. If I could go back and change that I would but we are better off going our separate ways. I'm sorrh I had to block you but I had to block Sierra too. I do not appreciate her posts. Feel what she may but what I wrote was honest and wasn't just about you but about others I've hurt along the way. You are not the only one. I don't care that she feels that way or if she doesn't like me anymore. She's not in my shoes nor are you, to understand or try to understand. I already admitted to being the issue so if she didn't like what I posted on my fb she could've just deleted and blocked me. But instead of reacting in a bad way i deleted and blocked her because i dont need negativity when im trying to heal and move on. I dont need her judgmentYou sent19 minutes agoNor do I need yours. You are always gonna see me as the bad guy and that's fine. But im no longer looking at myself that way. I'm seeing a woman who is trying to break herself from toxic ways and toxic behavior but is struggling to do it while also going through a lot of shit. Im flawed just like you..I'm not perfect. Not even close to it. I've been understanding and patient and always trying to see your perspective and its never really been a two ways street with you. You expect that from me but don't expect to give it back. And I'm tired of that. Been tired of that. I put it in alot of effort to make shit work when I was trying to fix things but I got tired, Bee. I didn't take you seriously because every time I tried to i didnt feel like you were taking it seriously enough to change your ways and your lifestyle. I wanted you to work so you had an income to better yourself and your future and also to help tatianna with Julian. As a single mom it is hard to take care of a kid by yourself and I wanted you to try to help her financially at least.  And not only a job but to stop drinking because I don't want you to end up in a coffin at such a young age. And to leave behind your son. How fair is that to Julian?  I love you, bee. I never want anything bad to happen to you even if you don't believe that. You're the only one who doesn't see how much i love you or how bad you have had an emotional toll on me. For some reason you're blinded by all of that. You say i didn't love you but if i hadn't I would've been done with you the very first time we broke up in November . But no I fell hard for you and put a lot of effort and love into us only for us to fall apart. So.. I hope you know i wanted a family with you too. I wanted to wake up next to you and my daughter,  and one day maybe. Not just my daughter. But a child of our own. With big blue eyes and curly hair.. that looked like you. I wanted a lil boy that looked like you with my eyes and hair and your face.  I wanted that more than i could tell you. I never could tell you that because i got embarrassed.  But I wanted that, with you. Not anyone else and now i feel like that I don't want another relationship.  Nor do i want to even bother starting over with someone else and feeling like this again. I don't even care anymore. Im so drained and exhausted. You were the love of my life. I fucked it up and now the bed I made, I have to lay in. So yeah you get the satisfaction of knowing I'm hurting and regretting what I did. But I get the satisfaction of never allowing myself to make this mistake again with another person and to focus on my issues with myself so I don't bring this kind of baggage and problems into my future relationships.  So maybe it's for the better that we move on. Maybe one day you can forgive me  enough to not hate me and maybe if I'm lucky enough to at least call you my friend.  I loved you like I've never loved anyone and it is hard to write without crying but I know that sometimes life is pain and heartbreak and that if we were ever meant to be than maybe somewhere down the road we could rekindle a friendship or more but maybe the timing is off and you were my right person but wrong time. . Maybe you'll come back...maybe you won't but please know you had my heart like no others. I felt that in my soul.  I felt it when I looked at you. When I thought about you. When i talked about you. When I looked in your eyes. When you smiled or laughed. When you were doing whatever and I was just staring at you. With every kiss. Every moment in your arms. When you were sleeping so peacefully.  When you were being you, I felt like i was home and I cant tell you the last time i felt that way. It was when my grandma was alive. So to find someone who was even close to feeling like home is a serious misfortune to lose like this. And losing you and this relationship will be a grieving process for me. I had to lose the one thing that brought me happiness, wholeness and love. So I'm heartbroken it has come to this because of my actions. But I love you Bee. Please take care of yourself.

[daira-talks]

THIS FRIENDSHIP WAS TRULY UNDERRATED

I dont think I ever told you how it went down or why it ment so much to me that she said I was her best friend but I'll explain...

She was my only true friend, she wasnt with me for entertainment or free therapy or to gain something else, she was just there, she didnt need me. She was the first person in years that I was vulnerable with and, I wont lie, I regretted it until now. I never offered her anything and she never promised anything back, but she delivered.

She was there for me, nothing bad really ever happened but she was there and I knew, that, unlike other people I called friends, I could count on her. And I was there for her, as I always was with others, but the difference is that she never asked me to, she actually denied she needed help but I know that's a lie so I never left her alone and I also know that sometimes you want to be left alone but not be alone so I was always there but I never pushed her, I just didnt leave her, and she did the same, she listened and she remembered everything I said, I never said thank you and neither did she but that was okay. That was us.

I had flaws, really big ones but she never cared, she only cared when I wasnt happy or when I was sick, she never said anything but I knew she cared cause she was there and I could feel her protective gaze, she was shy in showing affection when it was true and so was I. I guess that's why she never promised anything and why she always tried to hide it but you cant hide something so true as that unless you are doing so from a person so oblivious as me.

In other words she loved me and I loved her, we both did so behind the curtain and in the shadows without words to prove it but actions, actions so true that couldn't be hidden. And when she said I was her true and only friend it was more of a confession, when she confessed that I was her best friend it was a jump of faith, a moment of vulnerability to probably face rejection and the fact that she was willing to face that for me made it ever so special.

She know I will always be there for her even if I never promised anything and I know she will always be there for me because she never promised anything but she always delivered, even more than the ones who promised and always more than I expected.

Only we know what was said between lines and only we know what those little actions really ment but now, you know too.

Every time we hear each others name spoken by someone else and listen just so we know what they're talking about and confront them about it we mean "I will protect you".

Every time we notice the other feeling sick proceeded by asking to be excused and we follow we mean "I care about you".

And Every time we glance at eachother randomly just cause we thought about the other throughout the day we mean to say "I love you".

We might not be very verbal or physical at expressing affection towards one another but we know how to show that we love eachother in ways we know how to read.

But now that we know for sure we wont be rejected things might change, we might hug eachother throughout the day, we might say we care about the other or might even say how much we miss eachother and how tough it really is not being able to see eachother in these difficult times but we know we'll make it through.

We will make it through this and so much more but we'll make sure to keep promises out of ourrelationship and I am sure that just like every other time we will deliver.

[ssweeneys]

i’m having a REALLY bad day

or really past couple of weeks where work is concerned and i just wanna vent bc you know sometimes people out there in the working world understand ya know???

its long, beware. idek if i’ll keep this up its more so for me to just let it out.

so like i’m an office admin for a company (we’ll leave it nameless for protection purposes) and like i supervise receptionists for my office so i’m kinda an office manager but not technically? if that makes sense.

anyway. people these days just don’t want to fucking work like EVER and like to start jobs and then up and vanish to collect that unemployment which to me is really just dumb since there are rules to it in every state and nine times out of ten you’re making like 60% of what your normal paycheck would be and thats surely not enough to live on, so like ??? i don’t get it.

there’s been a constant rotation of receptionists come and go over the last couple of months and two girls who work for me have stepped in on numerous occasions. one lady is in her 60s and doesn’t know anything about computers and is kind of dense?? to say the least. nothing against old ladies. i actually find a majority of them cute or hilarious bc they say what they think and dont give a f*ck who it offends and sometimes that blunt honesty is refreshing and you just need it in a world where people bullshit you 24/7 to further themselves for selfish gain and yaddy yada

anyways.. over recent weeks she’s become more and more intolerable to deal with. i ask her to do things and she gives me attitude and its like the simplest of things.. like email this person, make sure you let this person know they got a package, etc, etc. she can’t do even the most basic of tasks without screwing up. her attitude is just atrocious.

and due to people coming and going i’ve had to alter our schedule a lot. recently, one girl requested off so i adjusted the older lady’s hours (lets call her--carla) mind you carla only works 1 day a week and i’ve been super generous in giving her the entire week of christmas off so -- yeah.

anyways the girl who requested off (we’ll call her nicole) told me she didnt need those days off anymore and so i fixed the schedule one more time to her original days/hours.

now, i print off the schedule every time a change is made and whoever is at the reception desk i tell them to let the other girls know and post it right by the computer they sit at every day so theres no excuse for anyone to say i didnt make them aware. well carla is not the brightest bulb as we already established and she doesnt pay attention so we pretty much have to coddle her apparently and make sure she understands (although its pointless bc she doesnt no matter how hard you try to explain something to her) ANYWAYS she comes in on nicoles day when she wasnt supposed to anymore bc the schedule was fixed, posted, etc. and she gets mad when i ask her why shes there. and yes, i understand that the rotation has fucked us all over and up in so many ways. she is not the only victim here. this has been stressing me out left and right and to no end for MONTHSSSSS. so like i get it? i’m sympathetic to that. i understand the confusion and frustration, i’m right there with them.

HOWEVER, because she’s annoyed/mad/whatever she gives me attitude all day yesterday and is flagrantly disrespectful. i’m her supervisor, regardless is someone upsets you, act professional.

but she doesn’t. we know that. or at least I DO. anyhow.. she’s mad. she’s pissed off right? she’s got an attitude. she sees the new schedule, she brings it to me in my office and asks if its the correct one for tomorrow WHICH SHE IS ON!!! let me make that clear. she was on. she asks if its correct, i’m in the middle of composing an email so i take a moment to respond ‘yes’ she huffs, storms off and goes “you know what? nevermind” i’m like.... okay?? i brush it off. i’ve been brushing off her poor attitude all damn day and i dont say A THING. BC I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND. IM SYMPATHETIC TO THAT. we all have bad days. we all get a little frustrated sometimes. we’re human, yeah?

yeah. right. ok.

so then like... carla is working the morning shift for nicole. both carla and nicole showed up. carla pitched a fit bc she came in and was already there and didnt want to go home so nicole was so sweet about it and said thats okay, she can work i understand. bc even though nicole is like half her age, she’s MATURE.

at this point i dont even understand why carla is so upset? she got to stay. she got the hours. she’ll be making the money. all is good right? WRONG.

when the next girl comes in for the afternoon shift, i over hear carla telling her about the mishap that happened that morning (yesterday) and my office is literally maybe 6-7 feet from the front desk so i can hear EVERYTHING that goes on. i mean this is my job. i’m pretty much in charge of making sure the office is running, our employees are happy, etc.

so yeah i over hear carla telling this girl that and i quote “yeah nicole came in this morning and the schedule was switched around and i stayed because i was already here. (then something unintelligible I cant make out bc her voice lowers) you know, it really pisses me off that this keeps happening.”

SHE SAID THIS. TO A NEW GIRL. MAKING ME, NICOLE, EVERYONE LOOK BAD EVEN THOUGH SHE GOT WHAT SHE WANTED, NICOLE APOLOGIZED, I APOLOGIZED FOR THE MISHAP, IVE DONE EVERYTHING FOR THIS LADY TO PACIFY HER OR WORK WITH HER OR COMPENSATE HER.

so its so infuriating, disrespectful and really downright disgusting for her to trash me, my name, etc to someone. but you know what? I DONT SAY ANYTHING. I dont cause a scene. I go about my business and let it roll off my shoulders bc at this point I know if I say anything its just going to turn ugly and I’m in a professional setting. Sometimes its better to bite your tongue, hold your head up high and move the fuck on about your business.

NOW... oh now, we’re on today. carla is scheduled to work. she came into my office, confirmed it, she was FULLY AWARE OF THIS.

so nicole calls her 5 mins before shes scheduled to clock in and is politely like hey you on your way? and carla is like oh no i don’t work today.

BITCH! THE FUcK YOU MEAN????? WE CONFIRMED THIS LITERALLY!!!!!!!!

omg i cannot at this point i really cannot

but lets proceed... so carla. she’s like yeah i dont come in, tells nicole to check with me. nicole comes to me, i smh and just sigh and am like ok i’m sorry can you please call her back and tell her shes supposed to be here and if theres any issues, transfer the call to me. so nicole calls her, they’re talking, carla is being a cunt (sorry at this point you are) and so i talk to her and shes like you know, this is so frustrating i came in there i asked you if i was supposed to work and you said no (the other girl she trash talked to idk who to name her) and IM LIKE SITTING THERE GOING ????? WHEN????? TO MYSELF BC WE JUST HAD THIS CONVERSATION

MY PATIENCE IS SO THIN, ITS NON EXISTENT AT THIS POINT IM OVER IT

IM TIRED

IM SO FUCKING TIRED AND SICK OF HAVING TO PICK UP THE SLACK AND DO EVERYTHING MY FUCKING SELF BC NO ONE CAN COME TO WORK, DO THEIR JOB AND GO HOME.

can i just make a point too that we make $12 an hour here. sometimes we are LITERALLY SO BORED we have nothing to do. we can read books or watch netflix if no one is around or i even have time to rp at times. so like THIS IS THE EASIEST JOB IN THE WORLD A FUCKING MONKEY could do it.

all you do is answer phones and transfer calls or send an email

its LITERALLY. THAT. FUCKING. SIMPLE????

so like i just dont get it

but back to the point... carla is arguing with me, basically saying my communication sucks, i’m unprofessional (which is laughable but ok) etc...

and i just cant hold it in anymore?? and i’m like well carla, i’m sorry you feel that way and i understand where you’re coming from but i don’t appreciate that you were disrespectful yesterday, you told (new girl) that you were pissed off about what happened and proceeded to talk about me in a really unsatisfactory way.

and she WANTED TO TRY AND SAY THAT THIS WAS A DEFAMATION TO HER CHARACTER. WHEN SHE FUCKING SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!! i mean you can’t but if you were to ask anyone i know i have freakishly good hearing and it gets on my family’s nerves all the time bc i need quiet when writing and i have to beg them to turn their tvs down low just so i can concentrate.

I FUcKIng HEARD THESE EXACT WORDS COME OUT OF HER MOUTH!!!! and she wants to sit here and say that i’m defaming her character.

NO BITCH. Im repeating what I fucking heard you say!!!

why would i make that up? why??? how does that benefit me in any way??? what does that do for me???? NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! i’m not benefitting from anything here.

in addition when talking to her on the phone i bring up the fact that she brought the schedule to me (the correct one which SHE IS ON) and asked me to verify if it was correct. but then proceeds to say in the same breath (contradicting herself) that she’s going off the old one????? like okay????? but you’re wrong?? SHE EVEN SAYS ITS AN OVERSIGHT ON HER CHARACTER, SHE ALREADY MADE PLANS YADDY YADA, SHE CANT COME IN TODAY

moral of the story is... she’s dumb. she’s a fucking cunt. and i hate people who try to spin things and victim blame and tell you you’re defaming their character when you call them out on something real they actually said because they’re scared little pussies and can’t just admit its what they fucking said.

yo i’d have a lot more respect for you if you just admit it. i’m not even mad??? i dont give a fuck what you think or feel about me. when i leave here every day i dont come home and cry about work or how people feel about me there.

work me is different from real me. I. DO. NOT. FUCKING. CARE. work people do not know me on a real level only a professional one. i am here to do a job, to make money, to pay bills, to LIVE. i am not here to fret over the opinions of people who do not follow me home, who do not know the real me. WHO. DO. NOT. FUCKING. MATTER.

POINT FUCKING BLANK.

THANK YOU AND GOODBYE

like seriously?? GOD FUCK! i’m so angry.

if you read all of this, like thanks for letting me vent to a total stranger lmao you’re a real one, may you be blessed today and always.

onto that note... i gotta get back to work. (lmfao fucking irony at its finest)

#im not even gonna read over this #its raw #its real #what the fuck ever

[someguy1023]

Nobody’s gonna care about this, but maybe someone will

i think it’ll help convey why im so stuck on this, and why i seem to be focusing more on Holly and, according to messages i kept getting, “white knighting” for her. I’m not gonna justify Holly’s behavior. thats not what this is about. I just want this off my chest.

(im gonna regret this)

also, just to preemptively defend myself, i know how cheesy all this is gonna sound. But its the truth.

so. i guess i should preface this by explaining when I first heard about Holly. Maybe it’ll help this make sense in context. Maybe not. I don’t know but it doesnt hurt to try.

I didn’t actually learn about Holly through the internet like i assume most others did. I actually first found her through TV. More specifically, through that Heroes of Cosplay show SciFi has produced a few years back. I enjoyed it, but found myself mainly enjoying the work Holly and Jessica did while on the show. They were my favorite team, and I always tried to watch whenever they were in an episode. After a while though, I, like a lot of others apparently, got bored and moved on, and eventually forgot about Holly.

It was a few years later that I would find her again. This time, like many others, through Grumps. More specifically, through Ross and Steam Train. I was surprised when it turns out that one of my favorite members of GG was also married to one of my favorite people on HoC. Small world. I stayed a more casual fan, watching the occasional playthrough or crafting episode on her channel. I was more of a fan of GG and Ross, so I tended to watch more of his stuff than hers, but I still made sure to keep watching her stuff. It wasn’t anything major, she just made me smile.

A few years later, it meant something more to me.

In 2016, my father died. Normally, that wouldn’t be such a big deal for something like this. It was everything leading up to his death that was the problem. I always had a very “problematic” relationship with my father. He was abusive towards me when I was younger, lashing out at me for really minor problems. (for example, one time he had lifted me up in the air by my throat and began strangling me when I was ~6. Why? Because I had used some money our neighbor gave me for cleaning up his lawn to buy a popsicle from an ice cream truck, ate half of it, then put the other half in the fridge. He found it, got mad at me, and then began to yell at me. I had a nervous tic when I was younger where I giggled uncontrollably when I was scared. Sure enough, I began to giggle and could stop it, and then he, enraged, lifted me up. I realize years later he was probably drunk, considering he smelled really weird. It isnt a good memory.) He eventually left my mom and I when I was almost 7, moving down to Alabama with this lady he met in a bar, and proceeded to do pretty much every major drug imaginable. I didn’t see/hear from him again until a few years later at his mother’s funeral. He seemed remorseful for what he did to me, and a year or two later, moved in with his cousin back in the state I was living in at the time. I began visiting him when I was 13, and he seemed to be better. He apologized to me for what he did, he tried to be a good dad, and I believed him. That was my first mistake.

Flash forward to January 3rd, 2016. I was visiting him for the weekend after staying at my cousin’s, and was sorting through my things to make sure i didnt forget anything. We had visited one of his friends to get something he borrowed (according to him) then got back to his house. He was sitting on the couch, watching TV, and I thought he fell asleep. I noticed he had a cigarette in his mouth he was going to light before he passed out, so I went over to put it aside. I figured out he wasn’t sleeping. It turns out, he was overdosing, and what I thought was snoring was his throat closed shut and the air escaping his lungs. He was dying. I told his wife (at the time) what what happening, she called 911, and I went upstairs to hide in my bedroom. A lil while later, the ambulance came by, and the paramedics gave him whatever that stuff is they give addicts who OD. (At the time, I didnt know what was going on. He had really bad lungs, and I thought they were shutting down or something. I was told it was from him overdosing later that night.) He woke up, and they drove him to the hospital to make sure he was okay. I went back to my moms house, and stayed there. That was the last time I saw him alive

As it turns out, my dad had been using me for over 2 or 3 years. He was not only stealing money from me under the pretense of helping him with driving for over an hour to pick up/drop me off from my moms place to visit, but had also been heavily manipulating me for years in order to control me. He had tried to turn me against my mother and her side of the family, claiming she had used me to verbally abuse and control him when they were married, telling me lies in order to keep me under his thumb. (like how she threatened to abort me if he didnt marry her after knocking her up, or how she had him steal from his sister during her wedding, etc.) I began to despise my mother, arguing with her constantly, and, on his insistence, never told her anything about what he was doing or what he told me. It wasnt until after that day that I learned it was all lies.

I was devastated. I felt hurt, used, and betrayed. (I realize now...its because I actually was.) I was a wreck. It didnt help that 4 months later...he died. Needless to say, it was a very, very tough grieving period. I locked myself away in my room, unable to summon the energy to even get up in the morning. I had suffered from mild depression prior to this, but it was much worse. I couldn’t find a way to get through this, suffering for months, and eventually, began to think about suicide.

Thats where Holly came back in.

Besided the playthroughs helping cheer me up a lil whenever I put them on, it was her advice that really began my path to healing. Her kind words and support to others began to help me sort through the baggage I had been dealing with about my dad. I began to follow her advice on how to deal with my depression, and began to slowly ull myself back from the edge, and, over time, began to pull myself back up. Eventually, with her help, I began to attend regular therapy sessions, and managed to fully come to terms with what my father had done to me, as well as properly manage both my depression and anxiety problems. I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for Holly. She helped keep me going when I really needed it. She, for lack of a better expression, helped save my life. I’ll always be grateful to her for that...despite all of this. Ever since then, whenever I felt my depression weighing me down, or felt my anxiety creep back up on me, I could rely on her to help keep me grounded.

When all this happened, I couldnt help but notice I felt the same way as I did all those years ago. Despite the fact that its just some random lady on the internet, and shouldnt have mattered as much as it did...it still hurt on a personal level. The worst part of this whole thing? I can’t go back to the thing that helped me out whenever I felt this way. Not without being reminded everywhere I go of how everyone thinks of her.

So...maybe thats why I’m doing all this. Not just to stop people from spreading hate and rumors based on speculation...but because part of me cant/doesnt want to believe one of the people I relied on and put trust in could be the bad guy. Because part of me just refuses to let go or lose someone who meant so much to me. Because part of me wants to believe that things will get better...even if I know they wont.

If you read through this, thank you. Maybe someone out there feels the same way I do. Maybe, if they dont, someone can understand. Its been a rough month for me. I just hope things will look up somehow. I dont know if I’m gonna come back to this. Im realizing it probably isnt healthy. The only thing I have left to say, then, if I dont come back; please, try to spread good. I know this is the internet, and even worse, tumblr...but i think people need some light nowadays. and constantly spreading hate and cruelty...that wont help anyone. I know nothing i say matters, that nothing i’ve done has changed any minds. but even if you cant trust Holly anymore, or dont believe anything she says...at least believe in one of her beliefs. That kindness is the greatest thing to spread to others, and the world can sure use a lot more of it.

Good night.

#atelierheidi #commander holly #heidi o'farrell #heidi o'ferrall #holly conrad #jared knabenbauer #projared #projared scandal

[kim-isnt-seaweed]

I should probably sit down and have a good hard look at my priorities and thank my guardian angel for all his hard work. My good winged friend needs a raise ...@god.

So for context, yesterday at 7 pm I was at the apartment complex of my last student for the day heading towards his building when this guy stopped me and asked me about the bag I was carrying which had my jobs logo on it, I told him what it was so he asked for my card so he could call me to give conversation tutoring to his 7y/o daughter, I told him I can't do that but if he wants he can call the center so she can start classes there. So then he asked me if after my class i could go to his house and have conversation with his daughter, i told him that since it was review week i didn't have the books with mento show her how it goes but he was like "oh it doesn't matter" so my dumb ass self was like "ooookay???" He gave me his number and told me to call him when I was done. Before he left he mentioned how young I looked for being a teacher and it's like ?? how does that relate to anything??

When he left I felt really uncomfortable and really didn't want to do it but my first thought was "I don't want to be the reason my center doesn't get a new student, just because I didn't want to do something, so I'll just suck it up and do it" it wasn't until I was in the elevator that I realized that he could have been lying and he had no daughter, but again I was like naaahh people are better than you think, if you think that you might offend them and cost your job a new student (o know I'm dumb).

I finished my class, which by the way my student is delightful and his little brother is so cute, I gave them lollipops and as I left I asked them for a high five but the little brother was like "but teacher I'm eating candy" haha it was cute. Anyway, as I went left the feeling of dread was getting bigger and bigger and I texted both T and my boss. T was obviously like "don't do that" but I was like "what if I'm just being mean or too paranoid and he does have a daughter and I offend them and cost my job a student???" And i think I was giving him a heart attack because he was like "could you please not think about other things outside of yourself for like two minutes, stop over thinking everything??(haha its almost as if he didn't know me) Just go home your boss is going to be fine!!" And almost immediately my boss called me and was like "he told you to go to his house?? No, don't do that!! Just give him the center's number and that's all go home"

So I was like okay... I wrote a text message and as I did was like I probably shouldn't do this because he doesn't have my number but if I send him the text he will have my number and that probably isn't good, but then again he might just be a good guy that does have a daughter and truly does want to improve her English and I didn't want to be rude by leaving them to wait. So I sent the message anyways saying that I wasn't gonna go, I'm sorry jut call the center if you are still interested. HE IMMEDIATELY called me asking why I wasn't going to go, and I said I did my best not to sound terrified, I made a lie saying like I told my boss and she said its better to talk to her because she can explain the curriculum and the work we do better than I can since I just started, he then proceeded to say like "it doesn't matter, think of it as an unofficial meeting, just like to neighbors" and I was panicking at that moment looking behind me as I walk to the station, I said "no sorry" and hung up. He then texted me saying like "you can't even meet up for a coffee" "I thought you didn't have to work anymore" dude I was so scared I was about to start crying at the station, I made whatever excuse where I could mention I have a husband and didn't answer again thank god.

On the way, home T was scolding me for sending that message like a dumbass and told me to go home quickly and call him if anything happened. I came to my house and I checked if my in-laws were in their home and thankfully they were. Then my manager called me asking me if I had arrived at home well, which I'm thankful for.

I still feel a bit guilty if the case where he does have a daughter is true and I was just rude, but also what does coffee, unofficial and neighbors meeting have anything to do with teaching a child English? I also feel shy because I don't want my bosses to think I'm stupid, they wouldn't be wrong but I still don't want them to think that.

Oh my, I mention that he was not the only random man that stopped me to talk about English yesterday. An old man as well, stopped me to talk about English and how to improve listening and how he got top marks in his English tests and asking how much I earned.

So yeahh, maybe i should start thinking about myself first once in a while. Also guys, dudes peeps, bros, if you see a girl alone minding her own business just leave her alone to mind her own business in peace. Also seeing a forgeiner in your country, unless they are visibly destressed or in need of help just leave them alone, being a forgeiner isn't an open invitation for a conversation, especiall if theyre a girl on their own. I cant count how many times i have been putt in uncomfortable positions just because people (men, literally it has always and only been men usually older men too) think that me being a forgeiners is an invitation for them to have a conversation with me and ask me things they wouldnt ask local women In a first meeting. It might not always be malicious i know, but you dont know how scary or uncomfortable it is when you're in a different country and a random man just starts talking to you and asking you personal things, like you dont know what to do, you dont want to be rude, you dont want to be accidentally disrespectful, you dont know how things work in this country or how to ask for help; i have been living here for 4 years but i still wouldnt know how to defend myself, or ask for help, and the longer i stay here the more i worry about being disrespectful since i already worry so much about being seen as just another careless tourist or forgeiner. Just please leave me alone, you wouldnt go up to a korean girl and start asking her so many things, now would you? Why is me being a forgeiner different? Dont go up to me and ask me to teach you english over coffee, thats weird and dangerous. Leave me alone pleaseee.

#living in korea #korea #seoul #living in seoul #south korea #living abroad #life in korea #married life #life in seoul #expat #travel #life #day to day #korean #living aborad #english #expat life #woman #women #expat women #female

[dontreadthistrashgarbage]

Pt.1

"Is that foreigner the manager from that viral video?" Byeongkwan wondered aloud as a new boy group and their staff hustled down the hall to their waiting room.

The other boys of A.C.E craned their heads to look after the receding backs of the rookies. "It has to be right? There's not exactly a lot of foreigners that work as managers." Chan said thoughtfully.

"What video? What?" Jun asked, clueless as to what his younger members were talking about. Seyoon and Donghun turned back as well as Byeongkwan pulled out his phone.

"This video went viral last week cause a sasaeng tried to grab a member but their manager stepped in." He pulled up the clip and showed it to his hyungs.

The video showed the rookie group making their way into a building when someone rushed up and grabbed one of the younger members, he didnt look to be older than maybe fifteen. Before the boy had any chance to react beyond an obvious expression of fear, a tall female foreigner with light brown short hair in a wolf style cut, and a very fit physique, stepped between him and the fan, forcing her grip to break. The manager didnt break step at all as she put her arm behind the boys to keep them moving, a quelling expression on her face as she maintained eye contact with the sasaeng for a few seconds before security stepped in to remove the troublemaker. The sasaeng had looked startled herself for a moment before becoming visibly upset at the interruption.

"Woah, awesome." Jun responded, eyebrows high, "That was so smooth."

"That was cool." Seyoon nodded in agreement and instinctively glanced up to see if any of the staff was still in sight, though they were long gone.

"She didnt get in trouble did she?" Asked Donghun with a slight frown.

"I don't know, she was just here so maybe not?" Byeongkwan shrugged, putting his phone away and also glancing down the hall again.

"She didnt get in trouble." The boys jumped, not noticing their own manager, Minseok, having come up behind them as they were watching the video, "Sorry, didnt mean to scare you." He grinned.

"Aaahhhh, you scared me hyung." Chan whined, rubbing his beating heart.

"How do you know she didnt get in trouble?" Donghun asked curiously.

"I've chatted with her in the manager room. She's an interesting person." Before the boys had a chance to ask what he meant he changed the subject, "anyway get ready to go, it's almost our turn." They wasted no time switching to work mode and moving out.

"To a successful third week!" Guerin called out, holding up her shot glass. The two other managers met her cheers and they all drank their soju.

"For you! It's only been one week for me." Minseok shook his head as he automatically refilled the shots for the other two. Guerin chuckled and immediately refilled his as well. Politely speaking it should have been Jinyoung's job to do that but Guerin was an enthusiastic foreigner so neither of then bothered to correct her this time.

"Well thanks anyway for meeting me out. It's been fun but very tiring!" She added, setting the soju bottle down, then picking out one of the many late night snacks they had ordered and munching happily. While officially working she kept her makeup and jewelry fairly neutral she took socializing as an opportunity to match her looks to her personality. Today she wore an orange lip stain with light orange and yellow on her eyelids. Her normal earlobe studs were replaced with fun mismatched dangling earrings drawing attention to the rainbow feather tattoo behind her right ear.

"Ya, why do you keep looking at your phone?" Jinyoung challenged Minseok as it buzzed again. It had been going off fairly frequently for the past twenty minutes.

"Is it your girlfriend? Tell her to join us! The more the merrier." Guerin mentioned through her chewing.

"Funny you should say that..." Minseok trailed off with a guilty expression. The other two paused to look at him, Guerin already with another bite halfway into her mouth. "Its not my girlfriend, but I've just been informed we're getting company."

Her expression quizzical, she shrugged and stuffed the large bite of food into her mouth. It turned out to be poor timing.

"Hyung!" A man's voice exclaimed, approaching their table. Guerin, with chopsticks still in her mouth, cheek bulging, peaked up to see three members of Minseok's charges, A.C.E, coming toward them. She dropped her chopsticks as Minseok and Jinyoung stood to greet the newcomers. "Oh shi-" she started in english stopping just in time and jumping up as well, hitting the table with a loud clatter. She covered her mouth as the others and some surrounding people looked at her and hurriedly tried to swallow while bowing apologetically. Now standing at their table with alternating combinations of hoods, hats, masks and glasses was Seyoon, Byeongkwan and Donghun.

Minseok and Jinyoung looked amused, Byeongkwan and Donghun seemed concerned and Seyoon had his standard smile in place as she managed to quickly choke down her food at greet them. Minseok introduced everyone in the meantime, before turning to them after everyone sat back down.

"Guerin? Isn't that a Korean name? Where are you from?" Byeongkwan asked curiously.

"Oh, I'm from America but my name is difficult for Koreans to pronounce so I chose a Korean name." Guerin explained.

"I was going to bring food back." Minseok said almost defensively to the trio of unexpected guests.

"We know we just didnt want to wait." Donghun said.

"We also wanted to meet your friends." Seyoon said, looking at Guerin.

"You've already met me." Jinyoung responded looking at them as though waiting for the full story.

There was a beat as Guerin looked around and just as she filled in the blanks Byeongkwan confirmed, "We wanted to meet Guerin."

"What? Why?" She asked, confused.

"You're famous." Donghun said before turning to Minseok, "Can we join you? Should we order more Soju?" Minseok sighed and nodded, signaling to the server and calling for more Soju.

"Let's order more snacks too." Seyoon piped up.

"Oh, please help yourself, eat as much as you want." Guerin gestured to the selection of food.

"They need to keep to their diet-" Minseok started and Guerin gave him a look, "They're healthy, active young men. They work hard and they deserve to eat."

Minseok rolled his eyes, he had heard this before. Jinyoung piped up jokingly, "She just wants to make them fat to decrease competition."

Guerin gave the same stern look to Jinyoung, "Excuse me I make sure my boys eat very well. I refused to allow them to be unhealthy for aesthetics. Besides. A splurge once in a while never hurt anyone." She finished the sentence with another mouthful of food.

Seyoon looked at Minseok, "Can she be our new manager?"

Byeongkwan and Donghun raised their newly filled shot glasses for a cheers the Guerin heartily joined with the three boys while Minseok and Jinyoung shook their heads pretending to be offended.

"We got a glimpse of that famous expression you made." Donghun said after the cheers.

Guerin set her glass down and proceeded to refill everyone's shot glasses.

"Ahhhh I see. You're talking about that video with the sasaeng." There was a reserved tone to her voice as she glanced at each of their faces to read their expressions. No one spoke for a moment as she waited for their confirmation and they struggled to find the words they wanted. "Please dont worry about offending me, you can be... ah what's the word I want? Frank? Direct? Honest? Straightforward? Aahhh informal?" She settled on the word she knew after floundering in English for a moment.

"Direct." Byeongkwan added helpfully.

"Yeah, exactly. You can be direct." She smiled taking another sip of soju.

"Did your company scold you?" Seyoon asked.

"Hmmm, not really? They understood my reaction but there was some negative feedback from netizens so we had a talk about what to do next time." Guerin frowned and took another bite of food.

"What were people complaining about?" Byeongkwan asked around a mouthful of food.

"Mostly that I looked scary or acted to aggressively. Honestly most of the responses were very positive and supportive. They saw I was trying to protect the boys. I was very touched by a lot of comments." She smiled softly glancing away with an almost shy expression. "I was really only bothered by the ones criticizing Seungbin for not standing up for himself." Her expression changed again as she frowned the shrugged and looked up.

"It could look bad to some that a man needs to be protected by a woman." Donghun added thoughtlessly. Both Seyoon and Byeongkwan looked at him in alarm. He immediately panicked seeing their expression and the raised eyebrows on Guerin, "I didnt mean it like that I just meant that's what other people migh-"

"I get it." Guerin finished her shot then indicated Donghun to fill her glass with a playful wink as he obliged looking guilty. Seyoon shoved him playfully.

"It was one of the sentiments. As a man he should have done something himself. For starters he's very young, he is only fifteen and a very slight frame at that. Even then, an idol has to be careful with their image, they cant be seen being rude to fans, even terrible sasaengs. Additionally they've just debuted, so not only is their image even more impressionable, but it's not something he has experienced before. He was frightened and shocked. There is no shame in that. Lastly, I used to work in security so my response wasnt planned, I just saw someone who was in trouble and reacted." She gestured to Donghuns glass encouraging him to drink with her. They clinked glasses and drank together.

"Noona, you're drinking a lot." Jinyoung nagged playfully.

She looked surprised, "It's just soju and I've only had about five shots." She looked at the alcohol content on the bottles and laughed, "this is nothing! I'm feeling very pleasant right now."

Minseok sighed, "Noona you sound like an old man." She stuck her tongue out at him in response.

"Maybe if you babies were better at drinking you wouldnt need to shame my talents." Minseok pretended offense and Jinyoung raised his hand with a fake attempt to smack. "Aaahhh see what happens." She teased him and he sighed and looked away, calling for another bottle of soju.

She turned back to the A.C.E members that had been digging into the food on the table, "I love seeing our kids eat well." She patted her own cheeks with a cute smile.

"AWW NO NOONA not your aegyo ugh." Minseok complained loudly.

"I didnt mean to aahhh it just happened I was so happy." She covered her face but couldnt hide her embarrassed laugh.

"Hyung no, it was cute!" Seyoon interjected.

"You only say that cause she wants to stuff you full of food!" Jinyoung interjected, "you wouldnt say that if you had to see that all the time."

Guerin smacked Jinyoung lightly on the arm and ignored him as he pretended serious injury, "yah, you heard him. I'm CUTE." She shot Seyoon a cutesy wink and peace sign and his smile froze in place before he shot back his own wink and finger hearts. Byeongkwan and Donghun jumped onto scolding him while Guerin held a hand to her heart, as she played along.

Once they finished goofing off Byeongkwan spoke up again, "Guerin-SSI-"

"Just call her Noona, it makes her happy." Minseok sighed, looking at his dumb foreigner friend as she shot him an exaggerated scrunched face smile before turning back to Byeongkwan.

"You dont have to call me noona if you dont want to. But you dont need to be formal with me, I prefer to be friendly." She clarified.

"Noona, you said you worked security? What was that like?"

"Ah! Yes! It was rad! It was awesome. I worked as an independent contractor so I did everything from bouncing at bars, to private events like wedding and fundraisers, or even big fancy events like fashion week." She pulled up a sleeve and flexed, flashing an impressive bicep and patting it proudly, "I liked the work, and I was good at it." She pulled her sleeve down, preening slightly at the impressed expressions on the faces of the men joining her at the table.

"Cool! Why did you stop?" Seyoon asked.

"Well I moved out here to teach English, but then I really loved it so I wanted to stay. A lot of security work here only pays well if you can be armed, but getting my license for that would be tricky because I'm a foreigner. So I wanted a job that would still let me help people but pay well and my friend suggested this to me." While she talked she served a piece of food to everyone at the table, gesturing that they eat more. "Now I just get my jollies by giving piggyback rides and challenging men to arm wrestle just to put them in their place. And also feeding babies." She teased, feeding Minseok directly as she said so.

"Ya." He protested around the food in his mouth.

"Shhhh baby, or I'll tell your boys how many times I beat you at arm wrestling." She said, posing cutely with her finger to her cheek and fluttering her eyelashes.

The table erupted in a mixture of approval and dismay, Guerin cackling at the response and ending with everyone doing another cheers and shot.

"Darn! We should have gone with you, she sounds cool." Chan said with a slight pout. It was the next day and they were all in the waiting room getting ready.

"She's just what Minseok said. Interesting." Seyoon nodded.

"Were a lot of foreigners like that when you lived overseas?" Jun questioned Byeongkwan.

"Not really. She definitely has taken up some Korean traits well but even then she's really forward and comfortable and..." he paused.

"Loud?" Donghun offered.

"Definitely loud." Seyoon nodded in agreement.

"Arent all foreigners loud?" Chan asked.

"Not as loud as me. Hi guys!"

"Noona!" Byeongkwan jumped up. Donghum and Seyoon looked shocked and embarrassed.

"Noona, we didnt mean it as a bad thing." Donghun said as he and Seyoon bowed. Chan and Jun bowed in greeting as well along with Guerin after she patted Byeongkwans shoulder fondly. She smiled in response.

"Not at all, I know I'm extra. It means I'm extra, I'm above and beyond the normal level. I'm not offended at all, most of all because it's the truth." She waved off their guilty expressions.

"Noona, this is Jun and Chan." Seyoon introduced the remaining A.C.E members.

"It's nice to meet you! You'll have to join us next time so I can feed you too!" She grinned at them, "You can call me Noona or Guerin, whichever you are most comfortable with."

"What brings you here?" Jun asked politely.

"Minseok said he was here, he left his airpods behind last night so I brought them to him, the lightweight." She joked.

"Stop talking trash behind my back." Minseok complained walking back into the room and handing each of the boys a beverage from the vending machines.

Turning to face him directly, "hello my favorite lightweight. You drunkenly left your toys behind after one bottle of soju but I'm here to save the day!" She held out his airpods, the pulled back abruptly, "hey wheres my drink?"

Minseok sighed, "Seriouslyyyy?" He whined and pouted lightly.

"Oh my god. No. So cute. Aahhhh." She handed over his airpods and averted her eyes, fanning herself. Minseok looked proud at his win for a fraction of a second before he met the gazes of all five A.C.E members.

"Hyung..." Jun said in shock.

"You've never..." Byeongkwan started. Seyoon and Chan just started giggling while Donghun visibly cringed.

"Oh you guys stop, it was cute. He did it for me cause I'm weak for that sh... that stuff." She pressed her lips together at her catch. "Anyway its time for me to head back to HEET. It was nice seeing you guys again, and nice meeting you Jun, Chan." She bowed and left.

The boys waited a moment before Chan spoke up, "Okay I think I see what you mean."

"She makes me feel like I've been in a pool too long." Minseok grumbled disingenuously before going to put his airpods away.

"I like her." Jun stated, "She seems fun."

The boys of A.C.E were surprised by the unexpected reception in the party room. As soon as the five boys entered there was loud cheering, shouts of "surprise!" And "congratulations!". For the first time since their debut they had finally gotten their first, second and third wins. It was an emotional time, and seeing so many familiar faces cheering them on didnt stop the tears.

Unexpectedly, outside of their usual staff and friends was HEET, Guerin (their manager) who had become more familiar and a second foreigner.

Guerin waited until last, sporting bright pink lipstick this time, then offered a hug of pride and congratulations to each of them that they accepted before she introduced her team HEET and her friend, "A.C.E, this is my friend Charlie." She grinned, "She works at the zoo as a vet intern, I've known her for a while and I think you'll get along."

The members were instantly interested, "The zoo?"

"That's incredible!"

"How cool!"

"Do you treat all the animals?"

Guerins pretty friend smiled shyly but proudly, her pink and purple hair standing out against her fair freckled skin. "I'm just an intern but I'm learning so much, and I'm getting a lot of hands on experience."

"Your korean is so good!" Donghun offered excitedly, smiling genuinely.

"What's your favorite animal to work with?" Jun asked, pushing past Chan and Donghun as Charlie blushed.

Guerin hung back, smiling proudly at her friend, Seyoon close by while his members grilled Charlie.

"It must be nice to have someone from a familiar culture close by." Seyoon said to the short haired woman, easily his equal in height.

"Yes! And she's amazing! I wanted to be a zookeeper too but..." Guerin's smile became somewhat forced, "Well, it didn't work out."

Seyoon didnt know how to respond to that. It was a public place and seemed like a sensitive topic so he said the first thing that came to his mind, "You should give me a piggyback ride."

Guerin almost choked as she was shocked into laughter, "A wh- you want a piggyback ride?"

"Yeah. We got our first three wins. You should give me a piggy back ride to the snacks."

Without any hesitation whatsoever Guerin offered her back, "Hop on the snack train."

Minhwan, the leader of HEET, saw her motion, "Noona no, please that-".

Before he could finish his sentence Seyoon had hopped on. If he had stopped to think for a fraction of a second he might have caught the panicked and frozen expressions of most of the other guests in attendance but there was a person to be cheered up and snacks to be had so he missed it until he had been dropped at the buffet table.

He was reaching for a plate to demand Guerin load it up for him as well before he caught the faces of those around him and hesitated. Guerin, however, either didnt notice or care as she took his plate. Seyoon watched as she loaded the dish with all kinds of foods, paying no attention to their caloric value or sodium levels before shoving it back to him.

"Here. Eat." Her face lit up with joy, from what he couldnt exactly tell. As she ushered him away he noticed she did the same thing for all the members of her group, loading them up with food and happily encouraging them to eat. HEET was a talented group from a new company, the boys had an age gap from 15 to 23 but all seemed well fed and athletic despite differing body types. Seyoon noticed these details through catching up with members from his own staff and munching through his heaped plate.

"So you've only been in korea for a year?" Chan asked in disbelief.

"Well, living here. I've taken language classes and visited Guerin while she was here so I knew I wanted to do more." Charlie looked shyly down, "I'm sorry, I know my korean isnt good."

"No, its amazing! You're doing so well!" Jun responded enthusiastically, "you must be excellent to be able to intern in the vet field!"

Charlie blushed and covered her face.

"Boys if you could let my friend breath that would be amazing." Guerin cut in.

"Ah, I'm sorry we didnt mean to embarrass you." Donghun turned polite as the three bowed apologetically.

"Just be nice to her. I know you have it in you. Chan, come here let me feed you." Guerin continued, dragging the maknae away toward the table where Byeongkwan hovered. Guerin wasted no time feeding up the two young men, ignoring any protests from Minseok about their diet.

"Can we make you a plate?" Jun asked Charlie, suddenly inspired.

"If you want to, if you're hungry too..." she trailed off, overwhelmed by shyness.

"We can share." Donghun said, stepping up with her and Junhee. Her face flushed a little at their proximity, they either didnt notice or didnt care.

As the party progressed A.C.E. made sure to make their rounds and thank their staff. Thrpughout the night Seyoon found himself with a desire to drift to Guerin over and over. Whether she was with Minseok or her charges or her friend he was drawn to her side. The downside is it often ended with what might be considered inappropriate interaction. Besides the piggyback ride she had given him, they had exchanged cringey aegyo to each other, clung to each other laughing and finally he had challenged her to arm wrestling.

"Really? You want to in front of everyone?" She asked with an expression of concern.

Seyoon waggled his eyebrows, "Loser buys meat."

"Oh, I guess we'll find out the limits of your food budget then." Guerin laughed.

Charlie didnt outright cheer Guerin on but she did let out a muffled laugh of anticipation heard only by Jun and Donghun who happened to be near her.

"Do you think Guerin can win?" Jun asked Charlie skeptically.

"Oh, yes. He might have a chance in leg wrestling. But Guerin focuses a lot on strength training. Dance will do a lot but..."

Donghun nodded, familiar with the concept from his period in the military. His psyhique had changed when it went from soldier to idol. Junhee nodded as well, a bit more idly as though he didnt quite buy it.

A table and chairs had been located as Seyoon refused to back down. The two contenders clasped hands and for a moment gazed directly into each others eyes.

Guerin inhaled and said quietly so only Seyoon could hear, "Ah, its cheating for you to be so handsome." After which she clinched her eyes shut and pressed with all her might. Seyoon, despite his surprise, recovered and fought against her as best he could but ultimately he lost.

Guerin was not a gracious winner. She stood up, both arms in the air and walked around the room to calls of support while Seyoon recovered. It was easier for him to pretend to wallow in shame than to acknowledge the flutter he had felt in his chest from her unexpected comment.

"Maybe he could beat you in leg wrestling!" Byeongkwan proudly shouted from the sidelines, completely uninvited.

Guerin paused for only a moment before Minseok put the kibosh on that idea. Guerin laughed and propped an elbow on the shoulder of her friend. "Poor Minseokie, I've been thwarting you all night. I'll have to respect your wishes at some point." She secretly felt relieved, the brief eye contact she had made with the younger idol had made her heart race and wasnt sure she wanted his legs on her like that... [lies] a traitorous part of her brain added. She quickly pushed the thought down.

"Minseokie, have you eaten? Let me feed you." She tugged playfully at his arm.

"Do you ever think about anything other than food?" He grumbled but passively went along with her.

"What else is there?" She joked as she lead him off.

Seyoon watched them retreat as Donghun, Charlie and Jun came up to him.

"It was a close match!" Charlie said politely.

"Are you okay? You look weird." Jun asked.

Seyoon gazed up at them forlornly, "You've seen how much she loves food. I'll need to get a loan to feed her meat."

"Oh yeah you're totally screwed." Donghun said with a nod.

"You might as well close your bank account now." Charlie said with feigned sympathy this time.

Seyoon groaned dramatically and sank to the floor, covering his eyes, "I was so looking forward to my first paycheck."