#and now you try to act like everything's better because my uterus is gone. like that somehow erases all of that trauma and that pain

[emilyharmonia]

my mother was just yelling at me about how “it’s so fucked up” that I don’t want to share all of my medical records with her anymore after trying to add herself as an emergency contact at my surgeon’s office

EXCUSE YOU. the last time you got your hands on my records you know exactly what you did. you tried to justify your neglect of me because “oh the endometriosis was in its early stages!!! there wasn’t that much!!! it couldn’t have started when you were 13, heavy periods and constant severe pain are normal after all!!!!!!”. AND THEN? you somehow have the AUDACITY to say you’re disgusted by this WHEN I WAS IN SEVERE PAIN EVERY DAY FOR YEARS AND FOR AT LEAST THE FIRST 30 MONTHS YOU KNOWINGLY DID ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL ABOUT IT? I am never subjecting myself to your bullshit again. I don’t want you anywhere near my medical records. if you keep this shit up I will make sure they can’t talk to ANYONE who can share with you. you don’t need to know everything. and I’m never going to forgive you or forget the domino effect you played such a massive part in. you ruined years of my life. FUCK. OFF.

#medical neglect #/rant #don't mind me I'm just really angry #I needed to vent #also she tried to say ''the pain was probably JUST from the intestinal adhesions'' like that means refusing medical treatment #FOR A 13 YEAR OLD WITH NO ACCESS TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD #any better #gfys honestly you fucked up and you know it #you just hate that I was right about having endo to begin with #and now you try to act like everything's better because my uterus is gone. like that somehow erases all of that trauma and that pain #if you're still stalking my social media you'll probably notice that literally NO ONE AGREES with you #ok. jf. I need to step back and go do something more relaxing before I give myself a brain bleed #sorry that this is the post I come back online with I promise I'm normally a pleasant person

[kirah69]

Or Stiles and/or Peter have a really bad bout of dysphoria. If not triggering for you ❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍

Yes! Thank you!

So here it is. For the Full Moon Ficlet Prompt DISCONNECTED & for the @transbingo​: Vampires.

Dysphoria: It's a term for the anguish and distress a person experiences as a result of a disconnect between their gender identity — who they feel they are — and the gender a doctor assigned them at birth.

Laura Beltrán Villamizar

Title: Fucking Vampires

Pairing: Peter Hale/Stiles Stilinski

Summary: A fucking vampire turns Stiles and sends to hell all the effort he had made with his transition.

Warnings: Trans male Stiles, Vampires, Forced detransition, Angst, Strong body disphoria

Chapters: 1/?

[AO3 link]

Chapter 1

Stiles woke up in a fucking abandoned warehouse, again. Why couldn't he wake up for once in the bed of an attractive stranger? Oh yeah, for that he would have to socialize. He hadn't even been caught drunk on the way home from a party, at least then he'd have an excuse. Someone (or something) had caught him back from the library late at night. He didn't even remember how it happened, just he was on the street and now he was- oh wait, it wasn't a warehouse.

That in the background was the noise of the subway and behind him was an old subway car. Everything looked gray under the few remaining lights on the ceiling (which were brighter than he'd expect), maybe it was just covered in dust. The air seemed stagnant, and he could smell decomposing bodies. It must have been an abandoned station and by the boxes, the makeshift tents with old fabrics, the gasoline drums turned into bonfires and so on, homeless people lived there. He was probably sitting on the bed of one of them. Where were they? There was not a soul around him, not even rats.

Stiles felt his head for any injuries (the bad guys had a habit of hitting him on the head to knock him unconscious) and there was some dried blood, but no wound, it didn't even hurt. He looked down to see if there were any other injuries and-.

His heart stopped. He lost his breath. His mind went blank for an instant, and then he was filled with sheer panic and terror.

It can't be, it can't be, no no no nononononono, not again, how, no, why, it can't be, not again, please, please, why, how, this can't-, nono nonononono...

He couldn't know how long he was like this until his mind settled down, just long enough to form rational thoughts. Everything had returned. Someone... something had kidnapped him and had... had... Oh god, fuck, something, somehow, had made his body return to... its original form. He had tried so hard to get rid of all that and now... now they were back. His breasts. And inside of him... he was pretty sure his ovaries and uterus had returned as well. He brought a shaking hand to his groin and... shit, his clit had returned to its original size as well. He was terrified of looking in a mirror or talking; he didn't want to hear himself, he didn't want to see his face again with feminine features.

Eight fucking years of hormone therapy and operations gone to waste! Who the hell had done that and how? And how come he still hadn't passed out from the panic attack? His chest... didn't ache. It should, and he should be out of breath and blacked out, but it was as if he didn't need to breathe even though his lungs continued to inflate and deflate.

He stopped thinking about it when he felt another presence nearby. “Feel” was the right word because he didn't hear it or see it until it was in front of him. It was a tall man with long blond hair in a ponytail, intense green eyes and extremely pale skin. He was dressed in black from top to bottom with a knee-length leather coat. Was it a requirement for sinister villains?

“How are you feeling?” asked Stranger with a French accent. Oh wait, he had read this.

“Are you a fucking vampire?”

There was a shocked expression on his face followed by a smile that showed too many teeth.

“I knew I had caught a smart one. My nam-.”

“What have you done to my body? Why did you do this to me?”

“Um... Well... I admit I didn't expect it.” He seemed to be trying to smile, but he grimaced instead. “It's the first time I've turned... well, someone like you. I didn't even know you were a woman.”

“I'm not a woman!” he hissed through his teeth.

“I mean, I knew that the transformation regenerates mutilated limbs, missing organs...” he explained with wide gestures of his hands, “but I didn't even know you were an operated girl.”

“Man! I. Am. A. Man!” he screamed and flinched at the sound of his high-pitched voice.

“Um... Look... I'm very sorry about this, but I have to say that you look very pretty like that.”

Stiles saw red. Something reacted within him, like the snap of a whip, and just as quickly he launched himself at the creature. He didn't think about it, he didn't consciously do it. It was as if the beast mode switch had been flipped and his humanity had stepped aside. He felt everything, he acted with all the precision that his new abilities allowed him, but he did not control it.

When his prey stopped moving in his hands, he came back to his senses. He first noticed the blood in his mouth, a taste that should have been disgusting, but he just swallowed. His hands were covered in the same blood and his clothes too. He had practically bled that pig out, appropriate. He had a broken arm, but he could already feel it regenerating. The vampire's body was at his feet. Or part of it. A pair of limbs were scattered around him, and his head had ended up on top of the subway car.

He let out a shaky breath and staggered backward until he tripped over some box and fell to the ground. His mind returned to his situation and he stopped breathing. Not that he needed it anymore. He reached into his pocket for his cell phone, but it slipped between his blood-soaked hands. He tried to catch it a couple more times, but ended up giving up. He left it on the ground and dialed the number. It was a miracle that there was signal there, and he attributed the first tears to the relief it made him feel. He lay down next to him with his knees and arms curled, making himself as small as he could, and waited as the tones sounded.

“Hello, Stiles.”

He heard Peter's cheerful voice, and a sob escaped him.

“Stiles, what's wrong?�� His voice quickly turned concerned.

“Peter.” Shit, why did his voice have to sound like this?

“Stiles?” He sounded confused, perhaps because he didn't recognize his voice.

What could he say? How could he explain all that? He didn't want to say it out loud, he didn't want to hear himself in that voice talking about his worst nightmare. He sobbed again, his chest contracting in a strange way because he didn't need to breathe, but he was trying and surely it was necessary to speak.

“Stiles, listen to me, I need you to take a deep breath and tell me where you are.”

That made him give a nervous laugh, and he seemed to be able to control his diaphragm again.

“An abandoned subway station.”

“Can you go to a public place? Can you get help?” he asked calmly, though his voice was full of concern.

“Um... I can... Wait, what time...” He turned his head to see the screen. 3:29 pm. “No, I can't go out. Peter...”

“Don't worry, I'm on my way.” It was true, he could hear the car's engine. “If you can, don't turn off your phone, I have located you. Are you safe? Do you have danger nearby?”

“No, I'm alone.” He felt a great relief knowing that Peter was on his way. He was going to take hours, he had to get there from Beacon Hills, but Stiles knew he would speed up as much as he could to get there as soon as possible.

“Okay. Are you hurt?”

Stiles began to cry louder. No, technically he wasn't hurt, it was even worse.

“Stiles, sweetheart, I need you to talk to me. Are you hurt?”

“N-no, no. Peter...” he said with a whine.

“I'm on my way, hold on. Hide if you can. You'd have to hang up or the battery-.”

“No! Peter, please...” The idea of staying there alone without even Peter's voice terrified him.

“It's okay, I'm here. Can you tell me what happened?”

He knew Peter just wanted to distract him so that time would pass faster, although for him it was enough to hear his heartbeat on the other end of the phone (it was strange and at the same time comforting that he could hear it).

“I was coming back from the library last night. God, I don't know how I could have been unconscious for so long. I woke up here a few minutes ago and this...” he gave a humorless laugh at how ridiculous it was,” this vampire appeared. A fucking vampire, Peter! Why did it have to be a vampire? If it had been... anything else.”

Anything, even if its only intention had been to kill him. That would have been better than what had happened.

“Well, now we can be a cliché.”

Stiles wanted to laugh, but the sound that came out of his mouth sounded more like a groan. Then his cell phone started beeping.

“No, no, no, no, no.”

He leaned over the phone, there was only five percent battery.

“Stiles, you have to hang up. I promise I'll be there soon, but you have to hang up and keep your phone nearby in case you move. I have your GPS signal located, I don't want to lose it.”

Stiles wasn't going to ask how he had located his phone, Peter was up to date with technology. At that moment he was only grateful for it because the truth was that he had no idea where that station was.

“Okay. Don't let the police arrest you.”

“They couldn't reach my car even if they tried. Although maybe you should be listening for police sirens.”

He hung up the phone reluctantly and brought it close to his body, it was his only connection with Peter. Maybe he should feel bad about not calling his father. He could have arrived quickly with the siren without risking a chase, but the truth was that Stiles didn't know if he would come, he didn't know if he would pick up the phone or if he would believe him when he explained the situation or even if he would consider it important enough to travel from Beacon Hills. In short, he couldn't trust his father to help him. He had been aware of it for a long time, but at times like this it was particularly painful.

He could have called Derek, he also lived in Los Angeles, but most likely he wouldn't even pick up the phone and besides, Derek had no idea of his situation and it would be very awkward to explain. Lydia lived in New York, they barely kept in touch in recent years; and it would be futile to try to contact Scott now that he was on the run in Canada with his latest romance, a hunter whose family weren't too happy about her dating a werewolf. (Stiles was not at all surprised that history repeated itself.)

However, he had no doubt that Peter would come, even if he had to cross the country to do so. He was the last werewolf in Beacon Hills and the one in charge of protecting the town since Scott had abandoned his duties as alpha of the territory. After Scott's departure, Peter had sent the few werewolves of his abandoned pack out to other packs to take care of them while he stayed there alone. Peter was an omega, but he was far more capable of keeping the people of Beacon Hills safe than Scott and his entire pack had been. Stiles had kept in touch with him while he was studying in Los Angeles. At first it had been to keep up with the threats against Beacon Hills, but everything had settled down in a few months and they had still kept in touch.

Peter didn't know about his situation either, but Stiles felt that he would understand it much better than Derek. Although if Peter told him like that asshole that he was fine like this, Stiles was not responsible for his actions.

Maybe he fell asleep at some point or got too distracted because suddenly a noise made him react and he jumped up. His body took on a fighting pose not unlike a cat instinctively. It was a distant metallic noise, but more sounds followed like footsteps, gates opening and closing, and a heartbeat. He then smelled a person before he even saw it. He heard a kind of hiss and realized it was coming from him. He was a snake now? Then he saw Peter appear from one of the tunnels and the hiss stopped. His legs shook, and he was about to collapse, but then Peter was there to hold him. He tried to call his name, but he had forgotten to breathe and there was no air in his lungs to make his vocal chords vibrate.

“I've got you, I've got you,” Peter whispered, sitting him down on the closest mattress without leaving him.

Stiles shrugged and buried his face in Peter's neck, clutching his shirt with both hands. He had forgotten about the blood that now also stained the wolf's clothing. He sobbed in great relief now that at last he was not alone. One hand stroked his back comforting while the other held him tightly.

“You did a great job,” Peter commented. Stiles frowned and then realized he was talking about the vampire's corpse. “We'll have to burn it to make sure it doesn't resurrect, but decapitation is definitely the best method.”

“Good to know, you can use it with me.”

“Hey, no, don't say that.” Peter hugged him tighter and kissed his hair. “You're going to be fine, you're going to get over this.”

“Peter, I... this... m-my body...” Fuck, he couldn't say it.

“I know. I know, sweetheart. We'll fix it, I'll find a way,” he told him confidently, and his heart didn't give any lies away.

“How are we doing...? Wait, you know?” Stiles lifted his head and looked at him confused.

Peter looked at him almost tenderly, a slight curve on his lips.

“From the beginning, well, from the formal. At first the smell of Adderall prevented me from recognizing the other medications, but then it was clear.”

“So, all werewolves...” The idea that any werewolf, any creature with enhanced senses could...

“No, don't worry, if you don't know how to recognize them, it's difficult to distinguish between medications. I had a friend in college who was also under hormonal treatment, that's why I was able to recognize them.”

“My smell isn't... is...” He had always worried about so many things so that people would not notice his situation and now he had to worry about another one.

“It's slightly different from most boys your age, although mainly because of its lack of smell of semen and most would attribute it to a lack of sexual activity. Anyway, you don't have to worry about it, you will soon be practically scentless.”

Stiles frowned and ducked his head to smell himself. He smelled of blood and other foreign smells, but he could barely smell his personal scent.

“It's a peculiarity of vampires,” Peter explained. “It's the way to recognize them, although the most skilled strive to simulate a human smell.”

“Huh. Well, it's not my main concern right now. What...? Fuck, how am I going to-?”

“We. We're going to fix this, both of us.”

“But how?! I can't even have surgery again! It'd just... again...”

“I know, but I'm sure there's some magic that allows us to recover your body. In ancient times surgeries wasn't an option, but magic is older than science. We'll find the spell we need or create it if necessary,” he said it with such conviction that it made him think it was true, that it was possible.

“Werewolves can't use magic,” he whispered.

“But vampires can. You already had a slight affinity for magic as a human, but now, with a little training, you'll be able to use it without restriction.” That proud smile on his face made him blush (or would have if he could still blush).

“You don't have to-.”

“Shh, none of that. We're going to do this together, don't doubt it.” His expression was determined. Stiles was sure that, even if he refused, Peter would keep trying to help him behind his back.

It was comforting that someone cared so much about him. Stiles sighed in relief and relaxed next to Peter, waiting until it got dark.

Peter took him out of the subway station through its abandoned entrance. It was in the suburbs, a pretty abandoned area in every sense, which was good since he was still covered in blood. Peter's Shelby Cobra was right at the entrance (it was a miracle it hadn't been stolen while they were waiting). It was a shame to stain the extremely expensive upholstery with blood, but he didn't have a choice either, and Peter didn't seem to care.

It took them almost an hour to get to Peter's apartment in one of the highest-class buildings in Los Angeles. It had been his property for years, but he didn't use it often, a few times a year when he went to visit Derek or when Stiles needed help with a research. It was an open, modern space with wooden floors, large windows, and metal, glass, and leather furniture. It was quite impressive, especially the views of the city, but Stiles preferred his house in Beacon Hills, much more homey and full of antiques and books.

“Did you bring your laptop?” Stiles asked.

“I'm afraid not, I was in a bit of a hurry. Why don't you take a shower, and I'll go find yours at your place?”

“I had it with me in my backpack, but I haven't seen it at the station. Maybe he got rid of everything when he kidnapped me.”

“Then I'll go to buy a new one, there'll still be a store open. Make yourself comfortable, there are clothes in the room, take what you want.”

Peter left before Stiles could tell him that he didn't have to buy him a new laptop. It would have been useless anyway, he was that stubborn. Stiles walked into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror without thinking, which was a big, big mistake. There was the body that he had worked so hard to change. As if he had done nothing in those years, as if all the suffering had been for nothing. He got into the shower and slammed the glass door. The crystal exploded, falling into small fragments around him. Stiles started crying cowering in the corner of the shower. He was a monster and not just because he was a vampire.

When Peter returned, he didn't say a word. He stepped over the glass and scooped him up, carrying him into the bathroom attached to his bedroom. He sat him on the shower bench and turned on the shower head, not caring about getting wet himself.

“Stiles, tell me if I can take your clothes off or if you want to do it yourself. You have to take a shower, you have to clean this blood.”

At any other time the idea of being naked with that body in front of someone else (in front of himself) would have been terrifying, but he saw the blue eyes that were watching him so worriedly, and he knew that Peter could handle it better than himself. He nodded and raised his arms almost like a zombie. Peter didn't bother to pull the shirt over his head, he just ripped the front with a sharp claw.

“Hey!” he exclaimed in surprise.

“It's beyond saving.”

Peter removed his T-shirt along with the shirt he was wearing on top of it, then lifted him with one arm around his waist and pulled down his pants and boxers. Peter let him sit down again, his body was shaking. He reached for the shower head, and the water washed away the surface blood before Peter scrubbed it all off with the sponge. He was meticulous, cleaning even behind his ears and between his fingers. At some point, Stiles stopped shaking and relaxed under his attentions. Not a single improper touch or look. Stiles wanted to hug him and thank him.

When he finished, Peter turned off the tap and wrapped him in the fluffiest bath robe he had ever seen. They went out into the bedroom, and Peter started looking for clothes in the closets. Even though he didn't live there, there were more clothes than in Stiles' closet.

“Are you tired or hungry?” Peter asked him as he held up a pair of pants in the air to see if they would fit him.

“No, I'm fine, I don't have... Oh, god! I'll have to feed on blood! I'll have to kill!”

Before he could panic, Peter was already there, kneeling in front of him.

“Hey, hey, no killing. First of all, you can feed on the blood of animals. It won't be as satisfying and it won't help you get stronger, but it's possible. Besides, if you wanted to feed on human blood it wouldn't be a problem either. Nowadays it's not hard to have access to a blood bank.”

Stiles snorted a laugh and shook his head.

“Of course.” He couldn't help but smile. After all, Peter was a man of resources like few others. “Sorry about the shower.”

“It's okay, you have to learn to control your new abilities. Put this on,” he said, handing him the clothes. “I know you'll want to star researching right away, but I have to tell you that you should get some rest. Your body has yet to adjust to your new abilities.”

“I can rest with the computer on the bed,” he replied with a shrug.

Peter smiled and brought his new laptop.

“Think about whether you want to stay here or go back to Beacon Hills. Whatever you decide, I'll stay with you, but I think at first it'd be easier in our territory.”

“I'll have to drop out of college,” he realized suddenly. One more thing to add to the long list of misfortunes. “I was so close to finishing the master's degree.”

“You can always follow the classes online.”

Stiles shook his head and took the laptop out of the box. He needed to focus on something, he had to stop thinking about all the things that fell apart in his life.

“The problem is not the classes. In a couple of months, I'd have to start with the internship, and where am I going to do an internship at night? Anyway, what for? What night shift jobs I need my degree for? I'll end up at a gas station or a 24-hour store. I don't need a university degree for that, much less a master's degree.”

He had tried so hard, working to pay for his classes and studying every spare minute to be one of the best in the class. No parties, no friends, no social life, no coming home except in the summer. All that for nothing. Again.

Peter sat next to him and put an arm around his shoulders, letting Stiles lean against him.

“We'll find something. You could be a night class teacher. And if there isn't a school for that, I'll open one.”

Stiles snorted and buried his face in his neck. He knew that Peter wanted to tell him that he didn't have to work, that he had money to spare to support him, and Stiles was grateful that he didn't. Peter knew perfectly well how important it was for him to be self-sufficient.

“Thank you. For everything, Peter, thank you.”

“I'm here for whatever you need, sweetheart.” Peter tightened his arm around him and kissed his head.

He didn't remember Peter being so tactile, or so affectionate, or so close the last time they'd met, but it was probably the only thing keeping him from falling apart right now.

While Stiles was searching the internet and the bestiaries he had uploaded to the cloud for information on vampires, Peter went to collect some things from his apartment. Even if he did not return to Beacon Hills, he would no longer be able to live with his current roommates. Even if they didn't find it strange that he only left his room at night (something that was not entirely unusual among students), they would find the sudden change in his appearance strange.

He texted his father to call him as soon as he could and considered informing the others, but he wasn't ready for that yet. If it had only been the part of turning into a vampire, it would have been easier.

“You should find less naive roommates,” Peter commented when he returned with ALL of his things.

“Then I couldn't have done some of the things I've had to do,” he replied.

He opened the first bag looking for his hard drive. He made regular copies of his computer there just in case.

“When you put it that way.”

Peter took the hard drive out of the inside pocket of his jacket and offered it to him with a smile. Stiles rolled his eyes and returned with the hard drive to the bed. He hadn't moved from there even though there was a perfectly comfortable sofa in the living room.

“Did you tell Derek?” Stiles asked, trying to sound casual.

“No, I won't unless you ask me to. It's your decision to whom and when to tell.”

Stiles nodded tightly and remained focused on the computer. If it had been Scott, half Los Angeles and all of Beacon Hills would already know.

“Did you find anything useful?” Peter asked, sitting down next to him.

“I thought there was a lot of fake shit on the internet about werewolves, but vampires take the cake.” I was researching on the topic of sunlight, you know, to know if I'll turn to ash or glow like a gloworm. But there are so many possibilities, so many variations that not even something so basic is clear.”

Thanks to his studies, he had a better training to know how to distinguish between reliable sources and junk sources, but it didn't help in something like that. One might think that hunters with their vast knowledge could be a reliable source, but experience told him to doubt every word that appeared in their bestiaries and forums.

“I can assure you that you won't glow like a gloworm and, please, don't read that garbage full of toxic relationships again, it leaves us all in a very bad place.”

“I haven't read it! I've only seen memes on the internet,” he replied. Peter looked at him with an arched eyebrow, and Stiles lowered his head. “Okay, maybe I read the first one out of curiosity. Anyway, do you know anything about that? The sunlight thing, I mean.”

“I can't say for sure, but as far as I know, right now your skin would burn and then your muscles down to the bone. Over time, when you get stronger, you'll be more resistant. You may not be able to expose yourself to the midday light, but you may hold out longer during dawn and dusk.”

“Mm... That matches Anne Rice's type of vampires,” he mused, opening the folder named in precisely that way.

“I have good books at home on vampires, and I can get more, don't worry. I can also speak with some contacts. Vampires are quite closed about their nature, which is understandable, but if I explain your situation to them, some of them may decide to help us.”

Stiles squeezed his knee with one hand and smiled at him. It was a miracle that he could still smile.

TBC...

(The Trans Bingo Card btw)

#teen wolf #peter hale #stiles stilinski #steter #trans character #trans stiles #dysphoria #fanfic #fanfiction #detransition #trans bingo #full moon ficlet #vampire #english fanfic #trans #slash

[crewhonk]

Only Happy Accidents (two)

Summary: After being ghosted by YN, a girl he turned out really liking, Steve goes to her door to find out just what he did wrong.

Warnings: pregnancy test stress, gross food cravings, NatBucky fluff, stressed!Steve

Songs: “Archer”- Taylor Swift

Masterlist

____________________________

November 14th / 2nd Week

YN YLN felt like someone came down from heaven and took a shit on her face. She had felt wonderful since Steve had been over up until now, and she groaned, burying her face into her pillow and trying t find any lingering scents of Steve on her pillow. She made a noise in the back of her throat when she found nothing but the scent of her own shampoo. She reached over to her phone under her pillow and looked at it, a thrill shooting through her body when she saw that she had a text from none other than the Retired Captain America. 

From: Grandpa

Morning, pretty thing :)

The dork hadn’t sent her one single emoji, and she doubted that if he even knew what they were that he would like them. ‘too kiddish’, she could hear him say and she kicked her feet like a teenager. 

To: Grandpa

Morning, handsome! How was ur morning so far??

She locked her phone and checked the date on the lockscreen, squinting at the number suspiciously. There was something supposed to be happening right now. Today was a Thursday, so she had it off, but there was something else personally. 

Her eyes widened, and every nerve in her body felt as if it had been dipped in ice water. 

She was supposed to have gotten her period eight whole days ago. 

She ripped her blankets off of her, and pulled her pants down, groaning when there was no blood to be found and cursing to herself. She had always been regular with her cycle. She tracked it, and took vitamins and magnesium and iron supplements and even went sustainable with it— got a diva cup and everything. Sure, her period sucked but it was usually one thing that she could count on to be on time. 

She rushed to the bathroom to splash water on her face and wracked her brain to try to remember if she and Steve had used protection. They had in the morning, she knew— she made sure to roll the condom on herself and everything but the night before was so quick and hurried and oh, God. No. No they had not used protection. 

Fuck. 

“MICHAELA!” She screamed, walking quickly out to the kitchen where her best friend and roommate was, hunched over some law books and eating her smoothie bowl breakfast. YN didn’t even bother teasing her about it and met Michaela’s surprised eyes with her own very, very scared ones. 

“What? Are you bleeding out? What the fuck?” She yelled back, clutching her heart while moving to mop up the glass of water she spilled across the island. 

“No I’m— okay, so you know the guy I had over on Halloween that I told you about?” She started and Michaela nodded nervously. 

“Magic Dick Steve? I remember.”

“Well I don’t think— I don’t think we used protection? The first time? We were both pretty drunk and—“ YN had started to shake. “And I might be reading into it too much but I’ve been really tired lately and my boobs are really, really sore and I’ve been really nauseous? Maybe It’s the flu but I’ve— my period it late.” She finished, and watched as Michaela’s eyes widened. 

“You’re never late.” She whispered, and YN felt tears well up in her eyes. 

“I know.” She mumbled and Michaela stood, walking around the counter and pulling her to her. She hugged her tightly and pulled away, dragging YN down the hallway and back to the bathroom. 

“I didn’t tell you this, but a few months ago when you were in Peru with that Anthropology dig, me and Charlie had a scare and I got a whole bunch of these guys.” She held up a box of thin, paper pregnancy tests from the bottom cabinet. 

“Isn’t that when you went off your pill?” She asked, taking the box. Michaela nodded. 

“Yeah, turns out my body freaked out hugely and said ‘fuck you’ to my period that month.” She shrugged. “Take a few, and we’ll take it from here, okay?”

________________________

So, YN peed in a disposable mouthwash cup (and on her hand a little bit, but we won’t talk about that) and dipped three tests into it, laying it out on the edge of the tub and sliding down he closed door after setting a timer on her phone. Time seemed to become impossibly slow for three whole minutes and she jolted violently when her phone went off. She checked it, and tears welled up in her eyes when she saw that she had gotten a text from Steve. 

From: Grandpa

I’m pretty good. miss you though.

She put her phone back down and stood, opening the door and calling shakily from Michaela. She showed up seconds later, and wiped YN’s tears from her face. 

“I can’t— I can’t look.” She whimpered and Michaela shushed her softly. 

“You can.” Her voice acted as an anchor for which YN could ground herself with and she tried to move her feet towards the tests. 

“What do I do with Steve? I can’t— it would trap him. I don’t even know the guy. I can’t just drop a bomb like that on him when we haven’t even gone on a date yet.” She cried and Michaela frowned, her heart breaking for her friend. 

“From what you’ve told me, he’ll be there for you. He seems like a good guy. Now, let’s look, okay?”

YN nodded and with the help of Michaela, walked across the bathroom and ducked down to see if there was anything other than the first red line. She squinted, and let out a huge breath when there was no line on the first two tests. She checked the last one, and every organ in YN’s body burst into flames when she thought she could see a second, very faint line. 

“Michaela.”

“What.”

“Is that a second line? On the last test.” She whispered, as if raising her voice any louder was going to make the line darker. Michaela leaned in close and squinted, freezing when she did, in fact, see the second line. 

“I think so. I think it is.” She confirmed, and YN’s knees gave out. Her hand absently fell to her lower stomach and she lower lip trembled. 

“This may not be it, though okay? Let’s go to Planned Parenthood and get a real test, okay? Then we can spend thirty dollars on a really good test and we’ll make a plan from there, okay?” Michaela sunk other knees and held YN’s face, wiping more tears away and offering her a small smile. 

“Okay.”

_______________________

There was no way that all ten tests in front of her were wrong. There was no way the printed diagnosis from Planned Parenthood and a pamphlet reading ‘Plans For The Single Parent’ were telling her that her uterus was empty. There was no way the Clearblue test reading ‘Pregnant: 2-3 weeks’ was wrong— it better not be, considering it was a whole thirty dollars. 

YN sat staring at them, bouncing her leg and glancing at her phone every few seconds, half expecting for Steve to already know despite his three unresponded-to-texts still on her lock screen. She could hear Michaela talking to her boyfriend, Charlie in the other room and YN felt truly and utterly alone.

However, her hand had yet to leave her stomach during the whole day, as if the idea of a baby being in there (despite it being no more than a bunch of cells at this point) was a point fo focus for her. Despite the overwhelming elements fo her situation, there was a flutter of excitement in her chest. She had never wanted kids, and then the snap happened, and she was gone and then she was back, and her dad, who was in a plane during the snap had fallen from 5 miles in sky and landed belly first in the ocean. But now that it was a very real possibility, she couldn’t help but get a little excited. 

There was one one person she truly wanted to talk to, right now. The urge to hear their voice overpowered any other feeling and YN reached for her phone, choosing the first contact she recently texted and waited as the phone rang. 

“Hello?”

“Mom? I need your help.”

_______________________

November 31st, 4th Week

“This is probably the grossest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Why are you making this monstrosity in my house?” Michaela groaned, pulling the neck of her turtleneck sweater over her nose as she walked into the kitchen. YN rolled her eyes and shook her head, bouncing lightly to the music playing from her laptop. 

“Just because you’re the pickiest human in the world doesn’t mean other people can’t eat fun foods,” YN replied, lifting the lid on the stove and sniffing deeply. 

“Canned crab with sauerkraut on crackers is not a fun food.” Michaela grumbled and sat at the counter. YN rolled her eyes and stirred the pot, shrugging her shoulders. 

“What baby wants baby gets.” She replied simply and closed the lid, leaning against the counter beside the stove and cocking her head. “Would you prefer boiled clams in hot sauce  or crushed up Doritos dipped in a Starbucks Frappuccino to this or—?” YN trailed off and Michaela gagged openly, covering her mouth. 

“Maybe a salad. With nutrients that the baby needs.” She replied and YN rolled her eyes, opening the cabinet beside the fridge and turning around to stare at Michaela. Her eyes raked over the prenatal supplements and vitamins marked for different days of the weeks and then to the daily pill organizer in YN’s hand. 

“I’ve also cut my coffee from five cups to half a cup because I’m paranoid and I’m not eating dairy, which is hard because you know how much I loved pineapple and cottage cheese together. And this is the only meal I’ve been able to eat this week without getting nauseous and throwing up.” She commented, turning back and turning off the stove. Michaela walked over and leaned over the pot, wrinkling her nose but grabbing a spoon nonetheless. 

“I’m going to try it. Not because I’m curious but because I’m supporting my single-pregnant best friend.” She said, saying a little prayer and shoving the goopy mess into her mouth. She froze, chewed once and gagged, grabbing YN’s hand and spitting the mouthful of food into her hand. 

“I hate you.” She grumbled and stuck her head under the sink, rinsing her mouth and making her laugh loudly, clutching her chest. It was only seconds after that there was a knock on their door which YN made to get. She turned to her friend and pointed. 

“I made you do nothing. That was fully consensual on your part.” She laughed, spinning and opening the door with a smile. 

It was Steve. Holding a bouquet of her second favourite flowers. Smiling nervously with those blue eyes and big muscles and beard and short, carefully styled hair. She remembered in flashes the sound he made when he moaned. The sound he made when she made him laugh. The way he looked sucking whipped cream off her finger. The way his voice sounded that one time when they talked until five in the morning. 

So, she did what any sensible person did and slammed the door in his face. 

At the sound, Michaela walked around the corner, peeking behind YN to see that the door was still closed. There was a knock and Steve’s voice saying something YN couldn’t hear over the blood rushing in her ears. 

“Who is it?” Michaela whispered, seeing the fear in her eyes. 

“Steve.” YN replied, her mouth feeling as if it was stuffed with cotton. Michaela pushed past her and looked through the peep hole, ducking immediately and turning to her with wide eyes. 

“That’s Steve?! You fucked Captain America on our kitchen counter and then hand fed him waffles?” Michaela whisper-yelled. 

“First off, he’s not Captain America anymore. Sam Wilson is, and second yes. Steve isn’t really an uncommon name so..” YN trailed off uselessly and Michaela looked to YN’s stomach. 

“Well I mean it makes sense,” Michaela said quickly. “All of your symptoms are stronger and you only had sex once without protection so it makes sense he has super sperm.” He said and YN shushed her as if Steve was on the other side with his ear to the door. 

“What do I do.” YN deadpanned and Michaela bit her lip. 

“You know what I think you should do. I think it’s time to tell him.” She said and YN nodded, wiping her hands on her pants and walking to the door, hesitating briefly before turning the doorknob and opening it. 

“YN. Hi.” He seemed breathless, and he looked at her softly. “Are you okay? I’m sorry I should have texted, but you weren’t responding and I got worried.”

YN shook her head and opened the door wider. “Steve, I think you should come in. We need to talk.” She whispered, and his shoulders fell as if he was expecting her to say something like this. 

“I figured.” He mumbled, handing Michaela the flowers and following YN to the living room where she pulled a shoe box from the shelf under the table and placed it on the top. 

“What’s going on, YN? Did I do something wrong?” He asked, turning towards her. She sat straight, not taking her eyes off the box in front of her and shaking her head. 

“You’ve been perfect Steve, and none of this is your fault, I should have been more responsible.” She whispered, her throat thick. She could hear Michaela eavesdropping from the kitchen. 

“Then what—?” He trailed off and went to touch her, but pulled away at the last second, not wanting to upset her further. 

“Something happened and I don’t— I don’t know what to do.” She said, finally looking at him with shining eyes. His face crumpled at the sight of her tears and h scooted closer to her, grabbing her hand gently. 

“I can help, YN. Whatever it is I can help you.” He said softly, holding her hand in both of his own. 

“I couldn’t ask that of you, Steve. Not with this— we hardly know each other.” She sniffed and wiped her nose on her sleeve. She noticed briefly how good Steve looked in his brown coat and jeans and scarf and boots but shook her head when her periphery caught sight of the box on the table. 

“YN.” He said sternly and she melted slightly, squeezing her eyes shut. 

“I’m pregnant, Steve. The baby is yours— it has to be. There hasn’t been anyone since the snap except for you.” She finally said in one quick breath, she looked up at him to gauge his reaction. His face was a flat of marble, no expression or emotion in his eye. She half expected him to stand up and walk out until she remembered that this was, in fact, Steve Rogers and walking away from a challenge was unheard of. That’s what the textbooks said, anyways. She lifted the cover on the box and he peered in, eyes widening when he saw all the tests and pamphlets she had been reading and collecting. 

“Okay.” He said finally and he seems to be wracking his brain for something to say. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Were you just going to wait until you had him to tell me and collect money or something?” He asked. YN raised her eyebrows and shook her head fervently. 

“No, no, no, no, Steve. I would never. I just didn’t— I don’t— know what to do.”

“What do you mean?” He asked, reassuring her by his tightened grip on her hand. 

“I wasn’t sure how to tell you and what you would want to do with her.” She said and he raised his eyebrows. 

“It’s a girl?” He whispered, looking down to her stomach. She shook her head. 

“No, she’s nothing more than a bunch of cells, but ‘she’ just comes naturally to me? You said she was a ‘he’ earlier, so.” She smiled softly and he returned it, not looking away from her stomach. 

“Well, what are the options?” He asked, looking up at her and she shook her head. 

“One, I keep her and you leave.” She started and he looked genuinely affronted. 

“Not a chance. Next.”

“I go to Planned Parenthood—“

“No. Next.”

“I keep her, and you stay.” She whispered, looking up at him nervously. He froze, but nodded surely and cleared his throat. When he spoke he sounded rather choked and it made tears return o her eyes. 

“That’s an option for you?” He whispered and she nodded. 

“It’s my ideal option, Steve. This is your baby too.” She replied, equally quiet. He looked up and pulled her closer to him and she let it happen. Now, their thighs were pressed against the other and their heads were closer together. 

“You move into my place, though. I’ll get rid of my office so we can make it into a nursery and I keep work at work and family at home. I’d like to know you’re both safe.” He said, jumping to what he wanted to happen. She nodded. 

“That’s petty reasonable.” She commented. “I don’t have much, so it shouldn’t be a big deal.” 

“Your turn. Name a demand.” He returned and she wracked her brain. 

“I want to go part-time at work, but I won’t if we can’t afford it.” She said. Thinking about the cost of things came naturally to her since she had grown up in the Bronx.

“Babe.” He whispered, amused and smiling. 

“What?” She whispered back, smiling as well. 

“I have about 100 years of government compensation in my bank account. Plus I was a Stark Employee and an Avenger for twelve years. Money isn’t an issue, I promise.” He explained, and she nodded. The relief that had washed over her then was overwhelming and she coughed into her fist, a sob building in her throat. 

“Sorry,” She choked, rubbing her eyes. “This happens a lot.” 

“It does!” They heard a voice from the kitchen and YN glared a the door. 

“Fuck you, Michaela!”

“Promise?” She called back and Steve smiled, chuckling lowly. 

“Your turn.” She said, nudging him. He sucked in a breath and thought hard. 

“I’m at all the appointments. I’m at all the classes. We don’t announce it to the public, but we don’t hide the fact that you’re pregnant. I’ll have to talk to Pepper soon, but only when you’re ready. I want to be in this with you. The whole ride.” He said and YN blinked more tears out of her eyes. He pulled his jacket off and pulled his sweater sleeve over his fist and wiped them from her face gently. She sucked in a breath and leaned into his touch slightly, not fighting it when he pulled away from her. 

“Good.” There was a pause of silence before he shifted nervously, a new idea popping into his head. “What?” She asked. 

“This is gonna be a little extreme, actually.” He sounded afraid, but she nodded for him to continue despite her own nerves rising. “I’ve been learning that it’s okay to have kids with your boyfriend or girlfriend now, and that’s really great and cool but it doesn’t work for me.” He said and she looked up at him, alarmed. 

“What?”

“We don’t have to, but my Ma would roll in her grave if she found out I had a kid with someone that I wasn’t uh— legally bound to.” He winced at the formality of his own words. 

“I don’t think I understand,” She said. She did, she just didn’t quite believe what exactly he was asking her. 

“I would like to marry you. It’s really important for me that my kid is uh— mine. And was born into a marriage, you know?” Steve’s voice seemed far away as he continued to speak, and YN swayed in her seat. 

“YN?” He asked, watching her eyes become unfocussed and falling for Michaela. She heard nothing more before her eyes closed and she slumped back on the couch, unconscious. 

________________________

The first thing YN remembered when she woke up was a cool cloth being pressed to her forehead. She sighed at the sensation, rolling her head away from the glaring light from the window and opened her eyes, smiling as Michaela looked down at her. 

“Hey, Mich. I had the weirdest dream.” She started, groaning a the pounding headache in her brain and sitting up slowly. “Remember Steve? Magic Dick Steve? Yeah. That’s Steve Rogers. Anyways, I had a dream that I was pregnant with his kid and he asked me to marry him. He was wearing his suit, though which as weird because I couldn’t see his face behind his helmet-hat-thing.” She mumbled, rubbing her forehead. 

“That wasn’t a dream, YN.” Said a low voice from the kitchen. YN looked over and her eyes widened when she saw Steve Rogers walk through the door, a plate of crackers and crab and sauerkraut in his hands. There was also a reusable mouthwash cup filled with her medication and a bottle of water in his other hand. 

“Holy Moses, baby Jesus in the garden be with me.” YN prayed briefly and accepted the plate of food from him, piling it into her mouth much to the amusement of Steve and the disgust of Michaela. 

“It’s the same thing my ma used to crave, actually.” Steve shrugged. “I tried to make it one time back in the day for mothers day but the only fish I could afford was the crawdaddies from the pond down the street and the crackers I stole from Bucky’s house. I couldn’t even use the stove, yet so everything was raw.” He smiled when she laughed loudly at his story. “Yeah, she wasn’t too big of a fan but she appreciated it all the same.” 

“That’s really cute, Rogers.” She smiled.

“I’m sorry for dropping that request on you, I never meant to hurt you.” He muttered eventually and she shook her head.

“I’ve actually fainted twice already so it isn’t too much of a big deal, but yeah. That was a good request.” She scratched her nose and took all the pills at once, gulping down half the bottle with it and leaning on her elbows. 

“I’m sorry again.” He whispered and she shook her head. 

“It’s your kid, Steve. It only makes sense you would want that for her.”

“Him.” He teased and she rolled her eyes. 

“I’ll do it.” She said finally and his head whipped over to her as fast as lightning. She was half worried that she would need to take him to the hospital incase he tore something. 

“What?”

“I’ll marry you. I think you’re a pretty great guy, Steve and I’m not getting any younger, anyways.” She shrugged and Michaela gaped at them like a fish. 

“You’re 24, YN.” She scolded and she looked at her friend. 

“And my baby daddy wants to stick around and support us. It’s only fair I do this for him.” She shrugged, looking between their stunned faces.

“Are you sure?” Steve asked, aghast and shocked but looking sedately overjoyed. 

“As sure as I’ll ever be, Rogers.” She stuck out her hand and he looked at it with a raised eyebrow. “You take care of me and your kid and I marry you? Sounds like a pretty good deal to me.” She commented and he took her hand in his. 

“It’s a deal, then.” He smiled softly and tried his damned best to not jump across the couch and kiss her. This was never how he wanted to propose to someone, but hey, he was 106. Never a time like the present, right?

“Damn it.” Michaela swore. The newly-engaged couple looked over at her and she shook her head at both of them. “I’m gonna have to find a craigslist roommate aren’t I?”

_____________________

Tag List (send me an ask, ONLY. must interact with the fic more than a like): yesfanficsaremylife / notyourtypicalrose /  laurxn-robinson / disaster-rose / lille-kattunge / wwecrazed2010 / vxidnik / chewingoffmyfoot / vitamingrant / captainamericasbeard / chrisgalore / songforhema

#Steve Rogers #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers au #steve rogers angst #steve rogers smut #steve rogers soulmate #steve rogers series #Steve Rogers smut #steve rogers fic #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers fluff #steve rogers fanfiction #Steve Rogers fic #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x y/n #Dad!Steve #dad!steve rogers

[yourdeepestfathoms]

the small intestines squirm like eels

[Tour!verse]

TW: Period talk

——————

Joan wasn’t feeling good in the first place.

She groaned before her eyes were even open that morning. She cringed when she rolled over, feeling hot slickness between her thighs, and didn’t even want to look at the crime scene that she already knew was lying beneath her blankets. Remaining in the mess, however, was plain gross. It was going to be painful to stand, but if she lays in bed for too long then the fabric will stain, so she has no other choice but to haul herself up and save the bedding.

As if it were that easy.

Joan liked to describe the feeling she just went through as “the floodgates opening” because that’s exactly what it was. She was forced to kneel when the pain flares up, which only seemed to strengthen the flow when her knees parted and her vagina seemed to feel the need to open like a window during a hurricane. She prayed for her ruined undergarments and pajama shorts, which are sticky and wet around her legs, clinging tightly to her skin like they had been glued there.

Eventually, she gets herself to stand and, with trembling hands, carefully and quietly strips the sheets of the bed, relieved to find that the blood hasn’t soaked through to the mattress. She stumbles out of her bedroom, trying to keep the bloodstained part of the sheets angled forward and away from the rest of her body, but her groin was already sopping wet with what was probably twenty-five percent of her body’s blood, so hygiene didn’t really matter in the long run. On the short walk to the washing machine, she feels a slow drizzle of blood ooze its way down her leg and she had to suddenly urge to cut off her entire bottom half just so she wouldn’t have to feel her liquidated shredded uterus tickling against her skin.

Walking is uncomfortable, carrying fish-smelling sheets covered in her own blood isn’t any better, and the wet fabric of her shorts chafe horribly. It only gets worse when she has to stand up on her toes to grab the bottle of detergent on the shelf and she feels her stomach cramp, just to add it to it all.

Joan braces herself up against the washing machine once she starts it, trying to breathe through a particularly bad bouts of cramps. When she finally steps backwards, she cringes at the gross squelching from between her legs- her thighs are so wet she’s sure they’re going to be permanently stained red.

She awkwardly hobbled to the bathroom with fresh clothes and cleans herself up. She considers burning her shorts and undergarments, but she just throws them in the hamper for now (was it good to put them with the other dirty clothes? She didn’t know).

The hot shower she takes helps some, but only when she laid back on her back and let the scalding water patter against her pale, aching abdomen. However, the moment she moved, the cramps seized her lower stomach in a vice grip once again.

All she really wanted to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

But alas. She had a show to run, so she eventually hauled herself up, got ready, and walked to the theater.

In just a few minutes of her trek, the sharp cramps in her stomach had become violent spasms and the dull aching in her back turned into an intense, radiating burn. She was both sick with hunger and too nauseous to eat the granola bar she put in her bag two days ago. Her bladder and bowels ached. She was sweating from the pain of it all, but also shivering and weak from anemia. And, to top it all off was the gross, hot feeling of her uterus being filled to the absolute brim with blood and pressing uncomfortably up against her lower stomach with so much pressure she thought she would burst if the fluids weren’t deposited.

Needless to say, Joan felt like death warmed over with an extra pinch of suffering.

Somehow, she still found herself at the theater thanks to pure muscle memory alone, despite how sick and horrible and disgusting she felt. As much as she wanted to spend the whole day curled up in bed while cuddling her pillow close to her stomach, she knew she couldn’t skip out on rehearsals just because it was her time to suffer the teeth of shark week. The queens and other three ladies in waiting, as well as the female crew members, all suffered through their own every month- hell, they could be bleeding right now as well- and they were able to function just fine, although Bessie does have a tendency to not talk or move around too much, or simply not go out at all. Joan didn’t want to be that girl, especially since the director didn’t like it when someone chickens out just because of a little leaky vagina and stomach pain.

Though, that sounded like an impossible feat with the way that her frame shook from the exertion of standing alone. Joan’s whole body was as heavy as lead, everything in her entire being hurt, and it was all swirling in a kaleidoscope of pain until all she could focus on was how bad she felt. She was sure she could faint- could already feel the faintest numbness slowly creeping in on the edges of her consciousness, but she held strong until she just couldn’t anymore.

One of the worst cramps she’s ever felt in her entire young life hit her when she was in the middle of playing Don’t Lose Ur Head. She had been doing good at giving her usual commands during rehearsals and playing the first two songs, however, her concentration was rudely interrupted when the ovaries at the end of her Fallopian tubes seemed to morph into claws and viciously stab her from the inside, causing her to slam her hands down on the keys of the keyboard and completely ruin the song.

Joan didn’t feel the hot embarrassment that filtered through her- the pain in her stomach overpowered every other sensation in her body. She could, however, miraculously still see through the raging storm of black spots across her vision and saw Anne on the other side of her keyboard, looking absolutely annoyed and confused, like she could see the invisible ovary-claws goring their way out of Joan’s abdomen. The way the queen’s mouth opened and closed as she searched for something to say to the clearly-distressed MD might have made Joan laugh if it weren’t for the fact that laughing pulled the muscles in her stomach even tighter until it felt like they would snap.

“What happened?” Anne finally said.

“Nothing,” Joan grits. She hopes they can’t see the way she’s clutching at her stomach with one hand. “I’m fine-” Nobody has asked if she was okay. “Just- Just give me a moment.”

Anne frowned, probably from annoyance, but nodded and started to converse with Jane.

Joan swallowed thickly and only then realized how thirsty she was. Her water bottle was in her dressing room (she never brought liquids anywhere near her keyboard). She would have to stand up and go get it herself because there was no way she would ask one of the others for help. Not like they would say yes, anyway.

She took several deep breaths and then stood up- too fast. She stood up too fast and now the room is spinning and she needs to regain her balance but there’s nothing to brace herself on.

Joan ends up tottering awkwardly to the side, not seeing all the amused looks she gets because of the stars that flit across her vision. After a moment of awkward floundering, how to walk properly comes back to her and she exits the room, not saying where she was going or why she was walking out on rehearsals.

The theater hallways felt like they were closing in on her. They seemed to be shifting and swaying and crushing her until she couldn’t breathe. Upon stumbling into her dressing room, however, they release her trembling body.

Joan staggers over to her desk (which she careens into on accident) and picked up her water bottle. For once, she wasn’t drinking coffee. In fact, the thought of caffeine repulsed her. All she wanted was the coolness of the water, so she raised the bottle to her lips and-

Hot.

She was hot. She was so hot, so she tips back a bit further and pours the water over her face. She instinctively sucks at the moisture spilling out over her skin, desperate to quench her thirst, but her brain was now more set on cooling her body before it got cooked inside of her skull.

When most of the water is gone, only then does Joan realize what she’s doing. She jerks up, agitating her stomach and sending a wave of queasiness over her. A hand slaps over her mouth and she holds perfectly still until the nausea recedes, only to be replaced with a horrible cramp. She whimpers and hunches over her desk, feeling simultaneously burning hot and freezing cold. Shivers start to wrack through her body- or had she been shivering this entire time?

There was no time to dwell on this, however, because footsteps were approaching. Joan tried to push herself up and act like she was about to walk out, but she couldn’t move. Not that it would have mattered, anyway. She didn’t have a good excuse for why her face and hairline and shirt were all wet.

“Joan?”

The slightly Welsh-tinged accent lets Joan knew that it was Aragon she would have to face. She liked to think that she and the queen had a good relationship, but she didn’t know how she would manage against the frightening lady while like this.

“Joan.”

Her name was said louder this time. Not as a question. It was a call- a demand.

“I-” Her voice breaks off. If she tried to speak again it would come out as a whimper. And Aragon hearing that was really not something she wanted to have happen.

Footsteps approach her desk- Aragon is walking towards her. She held her ragged breath, hoping the queen would just go away. But then there’s a hand on her tense back and a tutting noise above her and she knows she’s in for it now.

“My, are your muscles tight.” Aragon crooned from above. She began to massage the area between Joan’s shoulder blades with the heel of her palm, eliciting a sharp gasp from the music director. “What’s going on with you?”

“I’m sorry.” Joan instinctively blurted.

“That’s not what I asked, Juana.”

That was her name in Spanish, wasn’t it? Oh dear. She was in for it now.

Joan shyly looked up at Aragon, who had a surprisingly patient look on her face. Usually the queen would blow her top if someone didn’t reply to her within seconds. Why wasn’t she snapping?

“Well?” Aragon raised an eyebrow.

“I-I...” Joan swallowed thickly. Her cheeks are growing hot by the moment- she wouldn’t be surprised if any water left on her face turned to steam with how hard she was blushing. “I just- I need a moment, that’s all.”

Suddenly, the back of a hand is pressed to her cheeks and she squeaked in alarm. Her blush darkens from hot pink to deep red.

“You’re very warm.” Aragon murmured, concern leaving her voice. Her hand slide up to feel the girl’s forehead. That’s exactly when she notices one of Joan’s hands gripping at her stomach.

A smirk spreads across her lips.

“Oh.” She tittered. “I see.”

Joan froze. Red really didn’t go well with her platinum blonde hair.

“I’m sorry.” She stuttered out. Shame overpowers the cramps. She doesn’t know which one she hates more.

Aragon chuckled and started to walk for the door without another word. The fear of her telling the others sends Joan scrambling after her and latching tightly to her sleeve.

“W-wait!” Joan cried, her voice raising up a few octaves. “P-please don’t tell them! Please, Aragon, I’ll do anything!”

Aragon blinked before she realized what Joan meant. She gently cups either sides of her the girl’s heated face.

“Hush, darling.” Aragon told her. “I’m going to get you some medicine, alright? Just lay down on the couch and wait for me.”

Joan opened and closed her mouth before relenting and nodding. She slumped over on the couch after Aragon left, and that’s when the cramps decide to make themselves known again.

Aragon is only gone for a minute and a half and Joan’s delirium-riddled mind has already began to hiss horrible words of abandonment. Things like: Aragon had lied to her and was telling everyone else or she was just acting like she cared and won’t come back for her. Tears start to brim in Joan’s eyes as the degrading thoughts grew louder and louder. She couldn’t even hear the door to her dressing room open back up again due to how much they screech.

“Juana, Juana, sweetheart,” A hand is gently pressing on her shoulders. “I’m right here. It’s okay.”

Joan’s glossy eyes widen. She saw that Aragon kneeling there, expression twisted with worry. She tries to get to her, but the queen pushes her back down.

“Don’t move.” Aragon scolded lightly.

“Aragon-”

“Shh, shh,” Aragon hushed her, stroking the girl’s messy, wet hair. “I’m right here, darling. You’re alright.”

“No, no-” One hand moves to grip back at her stomach as Joan shook her head. “It hurts too much, Aragon. I think I’m dying...”

“Don’t be daft,” Aragon said. She notices the embarrassed flush that flames on Joan’s face and she gently caresses her cheek to quell her shame. “Eve’s curse is a terrible one. But I have some medicine here for you.”

She has two pills of Ibuprofen in her hands. She looks back at Joan pitifully.

“I assume you didn’t take anything.”

Joan shook her head slowly.

“Oh, you poor thing...”

“I-I forgot to buy some.” Joan stuttered out weakly. She couldn’t remember if that was true or not. Maybe she just didn’t care enough about her body to by medicine for herself?

“We’ll have to change that whenever you feel better. We can get you proper groceries.” Aragon decided. “For now, take these.”

With minimal difficulty, Joan manages to swallow the pills with the water bottle Aragon she also provided (and this time she didn’t pour it all over herself). She slumped back down on the couch, panting. Heat flashes are becoming more common by the minute. She wants to peel her clothes off, and then her skin, but even then she probably won’t be cool.

“I don’t think- I don’t think I can go back to work.” Joan whispered hoarsely. “I’m sorry, Aragon. It- it hurts too much. And I’m so hot... I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Shh...” Aragon murmured. “I understand, pumpkin. I’ll let the others know, alright? You just stay here and rest up.”

“Y-you’re leaving me?” Joan squeaked.

Aragon frowned and she gently strokes Joan’s hair to calm her.

“I have to get back to rehearsals. But I’ll come check on you soon, alright? Then I’ll take you home.”

Joan nodded begrudgingly. She couldn’t hold Aragon back. Besides, a nap sounded nice, anyway...

—

Joan doesn’t really remember drifting off. Nor does she remember being woken up and escorted out to a taxi by a golden angel, but, somehow, she’s in her flat when she wakes up and the wonderful smell of something is wafting through the air.

When she tries to sit up, a cramp stabs at her and she collapses back down with a hiss. Dizziness washes over her and she waits for the world to stop spinning. There’s a face peering down at her when she opens her eyes again.

“There’s my sweet girl.” Aragon purred, smiling lovingly. She chuckles at the way Joan blinked up at her adorably. She helps her sit up. “Have a good nap?”

“Mhm...” Joan replied sleepily. She looked around. “How...?”

“You don’t remember coming home?” Aragon tilted her head. “You really were tired, huh?”

“I guess so...” Joan said, then winced. She squeezed her aching stomach tightly. “Ow ow ow...”

Aragon quickly retrieves some more painkillers and a glass of water, which Joan gratefully takes. She also notices that the queen is offering her a tampon and she blushed shyly.

“Oh, I- I don’t use tampons.”

Aragon furrowed her eyebrows.

“They scare me.”

Aragon blinked. Joan quickly jumped up and hurried to the bathroom. She heard laughter from behind her and she couldn’t help but smile giddily at the fact that her flat with filled with such a sound. She wasn’t alone.

So, when she came out of the bathroom, the first thing she did was hug Aragon from behind as she was preparing lunch and whisper her thanks. Aragon replied by setting her hands over Joan’s own and squeezing lightly and, from her soothing touch, the dull pain in Joan’s stomach ebbs completely.

#six the musical #six the musical fanfiction #six the musical fanfic #six the musical tour #uk tour six #tour joan on the keys #tour catherine of aragon #tour anne boleyn #tw: period talk

[imaginesmai]

Arthur Shelby-B for Baby

This was requested by an anon, I hope you like it!

Plot: For being a Shelby, having twins was one hell of a lucky strike. Arthur couldn’t be any more happy and exicted about it; yet as always, luck is not very common in a Shelby’s life.

Warning: I’m not going to spoil anything, but angst and blood.

When you discovered you were pregnant, you were more than surprised. Some years ago the doctor told you that it was very unlikely for you to get pregnant; it didn’t matter if it was for Arthur’s lack of sperm or for your problems with your uterus. As a couple, you had accepted that you wouldn’t have children, yet in the tenth year of your relationship you discovered that you were pregnant. You hadn’t really noticed until it started to show; you were used to your period delaying even for two months and you mistook the morning sickness with just a flu. Once you knew, the next thing you needed to do was to tell Arthur. So you waited for him sitting in the couch, physically shaking from emotion.

-          Darling! -Arthur shouted as soon as he closed the door. -Y/N, I’m home!

Everytime he came back from work, or from a meeting with his brothers, he made himself heard in the house. Arthur was a pretty nosy man, yet you were okay with it.

-          In the living room! -you shouted, and waited for him to appear. -Hey baby.

-          There is my beautiful girl. -he smiled, and bent down to kiss your forehead. -How has been your day? Are you feeling better?

-          Yeah, a lot better. Didn’t do much, actually. I went to the market, visited Polly, the usual. And your day?

-          Tommy’s being a prick. -he sat down on the couch besides you, enjoying the warm from the fire. -He thinks he can control everything, and don’t listen to me half of the time. Besides that, I missed you a lot.

-          I missed you too, Arthur. -you pecked his cheek. -I have something to tell you.

-          So do I. Who goes first?

-          Let me tell you this before you say anything. -you took his hand in yours. -You know how I have been feeling ill lately? I talked to Polly today.

-          Did something happen? Was she rude? I swear, that woman-

-          No, baby. -you chuckled. -She was nice to me, she always is. I think she likes me.

-          It’s hard to dislike you, darling. -he winked at you.

-          Back to what I was saying. -you smiled. -I have discovered something with her help. I’m pregnant, Arthur.

There was a moment of silence before the words sank in his heart, and when they did a big bright smile appeared behind that moustache. With him, you knew you didn’t have to be worried when talking about anything, because he had proven to be a very supportive man. What you didn’t expect was the hug that knocked you out of the couch.

-          Baby! -you laughed. -Oh God, Arthur, you’re crashing me!

-          I’m sorry, I’m sorry. -he got up, offering you a hand. -It’s just-we are having a child, Y/N! Our baby!

Arthur let out another laugh, and that time hugged you with a little more care. He squeezed you between his arms, putting his head on your neck.

-          I’m so happy Y/N, and I love you so much. -he mumbled in your hair. -How long are you?

-          Two months, Arthur.

-          Al-already? -he looked at you surprised.

-          I thought my period was late as always. -you sighed. -I’m sorry, baby. Maybe I should have gone to the doctor sooner.

-          I don’t care, love. -Arthur smiled, and pecked your lips. -We know now and that’s enough.

Moving your head a little higher, you kissed his lips slowly and with love. His hands were placed at your hips, and yours moved to his hair. For being a Shelby, it was one hell of a lucky strike.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Turned out, the surprise Arthur had for you was a trip to a house outside the city. He knew how stressed you were, even before the baby, so he decided to surprise you with some relaxed holydays, just the two of you. And the baby.

You had wanted to leave as soon as possible, because time flew and you didn’t want to give birth between cows. But your husband was a Shelby, and they were always in trouble. That time, it was Sabini; the Italian man wanted something from the Shelbys and wasn’t going to stop until he got it. Arthur was having some crazy months, and he told you that he couldn’t leave his family when things were like that. So you decided to wait, and two months turned shortly into six. When the business with Sabini was finally calmed down and you could leave with your man, it looked like if you were ready to pop at any seconds. Your dresses were long forgotten in the closet, and the new ones didn’t even last a week before they were too tight. After talking to a doctor about your alarming rate of growing, he told you that it was very likely that you were having twins.

Not one, but two little things that were making their father already crazy. As soon as Arthur heard the news, he became ten times more protective. He tried to work from home, begged to Tommy until he got two men at your door every hour in the day, and always wore a bright smile on his face. You weren’t expecting any children at all, so the news of having two little children was more than good. However, not everything in the life of a Shelby was good luck.

-          Have you packed the blue dress?! -you shouted from the room, looking at the suitcase in front of you. -Arthur?!

-          Yes, darling?!

-          Have you packed the blue dress?! -again, you shouted, looking for the dress without moving the clothes too much.

-          It’s in the bigger one, Y/N. -Arthur said, appearing at the door. -I put it with my back suit.

-          We’re going to a field, baby. -you looked at him. -You won’t be needing that.

-          Well, it’s already done so we can’t do anything about it. -he laughed.

Arthur walked towards you and took your face in his hands, kissing you softly. Then, one of his hands found its way to your big belly.

-          Daddy’s going out, don’t give trouble to momma today. -he kissed it. -I’ll be back after lunch, little beans. And we’re going to a fantastic house were your mommy and I can make love all day.

-          Arthur! -you smacked his head and laughed. -You can’t say that to our children!

-          They aren’t born yet, darling. Besides, when they are, they will probably have to grown used to the strange noises in daddy and mommy’s room

-          You’re the worst. -you smiled and pecked his lips.

-          Have everything ready for when I come back. I’ll give the papers to Tommy and I promise we will be on our way. There are two boys outside, if anything happens you call them.

-          You’ll be gone for just an hour, baby. -you said. -Nothing is going to happen.

-          Still. -he scoffed. -Sometimes I can’t believe Tommy. Making me go there the day we’re leaving.

-          The sooner you get it done, the sooner we will arrive to our little paradise. Come on, go.

-          So bossy. -Arthur rolled his eyes playfully. -Okay, love you!

When the door closed, you returned to your tasks in the suitcase. Packed a few books and two more blankets, in case it’s too cold. Also, you took your favourite soap; because, honestly, you weren’t thinking about leaving that house for a while.

For the next few hours you sat next to the fire, waiting for Arthur to come back. The guys that he placed in the door weren’t a great conversation, and you were bored out of your mind. Just when you were thinking about calling your husband, one of them fell to the floor. You got up and walked towards him, thinking that he fainted or something like that. What you found, was a man with a hole in his forehead and a gun pointed to your face.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three hours, that’s how much Tommy kept Arthur at the officed. He was red as a tomato and with a raw throat from screaming at him so much. The only thing he wanted was to get in the car and drive away from that madness. As he drove, he thought that, lately, good luck had been on his side. First, he found out that the love of his life was pregnant; then, you discovered you had twins; than now, you were leaving to a relaxed holidays until the kids were ready to meet their parents. For a Shelby, it was one hell of a lucky strike. That proved to end as soon as he put a feet on your house.

-          If she is mad, I’m blaming it all on you. -he muttered as they parked the car.

-          Me? If you can’t do a damn thing right it’s not my fucking fault. -Tommy said.

-          You’re the one who can’t appreciate a good thing when it’s done.

-          I can’t wait for you to go, Arthur. -he rolled his eyes, getting out of the car. -I’m just coming because I want to see Y/N before she goes. The only one I will miss.

-          I would have gone earlier if you wouldn’t have been such an ass, Tommy.

-          Go and don’t fucking come back, I swear.

The first thing he noticed was that the two men at the door weren’t there. It was not unusual, because sometime you coerced them into helping you with something; one time, he found the two and a half meters bloke building a crib. Arthur called your name a few times while Tommy took his coat out. They walked into the house, seeing the fire nearly worn out and your book on the floor. He was going to shout again when he saw the second thing that made him understand something was not right; one of the men supposed to protect you was laying on the floor dead.

-          Tommy. -he said with a rough voice. -Tommy, look at that.

-          Arthur. -Tommy put a hand on his shoulder, taking out his gun. -Keep calm, we-

-          Y/N! Darling, where are you?!

-          They could still be here! -he half-shouted. -Shut the fuck up!

-          Y/N?! Answer me, fuck!

Ignoring Tommy’s warnings, Arthur kept shouting your name and looking for you. He could hear Tommy behind him, gun raised and eyes alert. Yet, for what they found, they didn’t need the gun. You were laying in your bed on your back, with your hands in your stomach and you head rolled to the side. It looked like a normal morning for Arthur, when he would wake up to you sleeping by his side. What didn’t look normal was the blood staining the sheets and the hole in your abdomen. Tommy was the first one to act; he moved you a little and placed his hand on your neck, trying to look for a pulse. Meanwhile, Arthur stood by the door, supporting himself with one hand while the other one tried to muffle the sobs that left his mouth. Your eyes were looking at him; yet he didn’t find the love he usually found, just a dull look empty of any emotion of life.

Tommy didn’t dare to look to Arthur after he took his hand away, yet your husband didn’t need any words to know the true. He knew who, he knew why and how. What he didn’t know was how he was going to live when your dead eyes would follow him everywhere. When the life of his two precious and unborn kids had been taken away. It seemed, that no good luck strike is long enough for the Shelbys.

#imaginemai #arthur shelby #arthur shelby imagine #arthur shelby angst alphabet #arthur shelby one shot #arthur shelby x reader #peaky blinders #peaky blinders x reader #peaky blinders one shot #peaky blinders imagine #tommy shelby #little imagine #request #angst alphabet #peaky blinders angst alphabet

[collectivedreamscapes-moved]

i just had the most random thought. well... two of them.

1) i remembered when Main Renee thought we only had a few boys in the system... and wanted to hysterical laugh. Cuz so very wrong.

2) of all the reasons system mates can form, can 'dealing with the dissonance and dysphoria of being trans' be one of them?

we were kids in the late 70s and early 80s. we didn't even know being transgender was a thing until our 30s.

we remember being inordinately confused by Boy George and Hollywood from the movie Mannequin because in our experience, we were informed multiple times in multiple ways that there was a Right Way and a Wrong Way to express your gender (ie we were always doing it Wrong) and we asked our mother one time why Boy George dressed like that (bc she listened to a lot of Culture Club) and she was all 'it's just part of his act' in this 'don't ask anymore questions' tone of voice. (this is a woman who would lose her shit if my brother didn't clip his nails.)

sexuality has always been easier hands down for us bc we didn't bother thinking about terms we didn't even know existed. we would just be: 'cute. 10 of 10 would bone'. regardless of gender.

gender is a confusing mess of '???' in our heads. along with gender expression. we remember Main Renee feeling ashamed bc she liked quilting and being confused as to why because clearly we were a girl and quilting in our family was an approved girly thing. so why be ashamed?

we laughed when we were scheduled for a hysterectomy and our mother and aunt were all like 'you'll still be a woman without ur uterus' because we were just like 'thank god! just take the thing!' and we were genuinely confused at all the comforting and consoling literature. like... being a breeder doesn't define being a woman? or does it? we didn't know and figured this was just another in the very long list of things that didn't make basic sense to us.

(and we'll tell you a thing. we know it's a fanfic trope and some ppl find it a helluva squick, but we love ABO bc it allows for normalized male pregnancy... even if we don't agree with certain anatomical presentations of it. because we had three kids and the guys in our system are PROUD to consider themselves Moms.)

when we learned about transgender and started actively reading up on it and was like 'oh! oh this is a real thing?!' we were dating a lesbian at the time and she was Not Pleased and told us she would have to break up with us if we pursued it and we were again... confused as hell. like 'what tf does it matter what our body looks like if you love us???' we had the worst disagreements about our chest. we mostly wanted our tits gone and she kept suggesting reduction instead. (she'd had one.) and we realized she didn't get it. so we left it alone.

the body is 45 now and we've been using genderqueer as a term bc it encompasses all of the system's various gender issues. we hesitated to use trans bc we felt like we didn't fit our understanding of the term. (we've since been told that genderqueer falls under the trans umbrella?)

so we've largely avoided specific terms (and lemme tell you, the whole aro umbrella was both eye opening and even more confusing than anything else) because people seem to have ideas and opinions on what they practically mean that just... do not compute to us. our spawn has tried to explain and watched us just... '???' ... as we tried to wrap our brain around it. and finally just said 'mom... you're prolly not gonna get it.'

sexuality is easy for us. once we learned the term pansexual we all went 'oh yeah this fits way better than bi' and haven't looked back. the rest? sometimes it feels like we'll never sort it out. so every year Pride month is... kinda painful. Because the things you see the most are people who are fiercely about 'this is who I am!' which is awesome for them. but us? it just kinda emphasizes everything that confuses the hell out of us.

as a system... we tend to lean towards genderqueer pansexual and quoiromantic bc trying to explain it is hard. we think we're likely more demiromantic to quoiromantic but we're still grappling with the fifty million definitions for love and the difference between 'platonic' and 'romantic' still baffles tf out of us.

individually.... our identities roam the map. some are ace, some are proudly gay, but all of that is still sexual attraction, which is easy.

the rest... not so easy.

#personal #current fronting contingent #heavy thoughts this morning

[sleemo]

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do

What is cooler than one multibillion-dollar box-office hit? Two multibillion-dollar box-office hits. 

British actor Daisy Ridley is about to have both to her name as she returns as Rey in the next instalment of Star Wars. Emma Brockes meets her as she prepares for superstardom. — ELLE UK, December 2017

A few weeks after the release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Daisy Ridley, who plays Rey – Jakku scavenger, desert-planet survivor and feminist hero – went on holiday to an island off Croatia with friends from the crew. The actor, who was 23 at the time, had been warned that after the release of the movie – number seven in a franchise that has made more than $42bn (£33bn) – her life would dramatically change, and she was terrified. This was, after all, her first big-screen role. 

In restaurants, she scrutinised waiters to see if they were being too nice to her; she wondered if she’d ever be able to use the tube again. On holiday, her friends started calling her Linda, ‘as a jokey alias’, she says, ‘and then they started calling me Paranoid Linda’ when she became convinced a man was following them around and wondered if he was a private detective employed by the studio.

Two years later, 25-year-old Daisy is sitting opposite me at a restaurant in downtown Manhattan, dressed in a shirt and capri pants in clashing blue-and-white prints, her hair still wet from the shower. She’s brimming with the kind of enthusiasm that reads on screen as charisma, and that helps to explain her meteoric rise from stage-school graduate with a few TV credits to her name to one of the most recognisable young stars on the planet. Paranoid Linda still makes an occasional appearance, she says, but mostly she has managed to adjust to life after two Star Wars movies.

Daisy clings to the fact that fame doesn’t need to have a warping effect. It also fits in with her belief that the best way to survive the pressures of high-voltage exposure is to try enjoying it. Everything is ‘amazing’ in her world and everyone is ‘remarkable’, ranging from her mum (‘a great person’) to Barbra Streisand, with whom she recorded a song in 2016 (‘a fantastic woman’), Harrison Ford (‘awesome’) and ‘Colly’ – Olivia Colman to you and me – who she starred with in Kenneth Branagh’s Murder on the Orient Express and who she found ‘incredible’, naturally. There is no hint of sycophancy here; it appears that Daisy is simply joyfully happy.

This cheerfulness has acted as a useful screen to hide behind during the years since she made Star Wars. Now her character, Rey, is back for The Last Jedi, the new Star Wars movie, directed by Rian Johnson. But Daisy found this one to be much more pressure than the first movie. ‘I suddenly felt a much bigger sense of re- sponsibility,’ she says. ‘I didn’t think I was good in the first film, and I was struggling with that.’

This is no humble brag. Daisy’s candour when it comes to her own performance is kind of startling. As a child, her general inability to disguise her feelings occasionally sent her into scatter-brained overdrive, an impulse that her loving London-based family: Mum, who works in internal communications; Dad, who’s a retired photographer; and two sisters – a model and a musician.

Daisy sometimes reads as posh – there is a certain ringing tone to her accent. In fact, she says, her family is more bohemian than posh. The accent, meanwhile, probably comes from boarding school. Aged eight, Daisy went to board at Tring Park School for the Performing Arts in Hertfordshire – not, she says, from any desire to be an actor, but because a friend of hers had gone to boarding school and it sounded like fun. ‘I was such a grumpy child,’ says Daisy, smiling at the implication that she can still, now and then, throw a big wobbler. ‘I used to get super-distracted – once I’d done my work, I would be annoying to everyone else – and my mum thought if I was busy, I’d be less distracting. I always sort of felt like I didn’t fit in.’ This anxiety wasn’t just a result of being a bookish teenager, but a feeling of unreadiness to go out and meet the world as an adult. ‘At 12 or 13, I didn’t know how to do make-up,’ she says, ‘and I still don’t know how to do my hair. And people wore high heels at that age!’

Even now, Daisy retains some small sense of herself as an outsider looking in. How could she not? Her CV at this point is extraordinary: as well as Star Wars, the actress has starred in Ophelia opposite Naomi Watts, and shot Murder on the Orient Express alongside Judi Dench, Penélope Cruz, Sir Derek Jacobi and Olivia Colman. It was on that last set that Daisy finally cracked. ‘I turned to Ken, wiped away a tear, and said, “I can’t believe I’m here, thank you so much.”’ Daisy adds, only half-jokingly: ‘“Did someone make you cast me?”’ (No, he said.) The self-deprecation is real. It’s not just the burden of fame or lame faux humility. There have been times in Daisy’s life, most notably after the first Star Wars movie was released, when she was literally uncomfortable in her skin.

At 15, she was diagnosed with endometriosis, a painful condition of the uterus lining that, along with other symptoms, can result in severe acne that is exacerbated by stress. You know, the kind of stress that comes when you find yourself the star of the biggest-grossing film of all time. ‘I was in my flat going nuts, and then my skin got really bad with the stress of it all, and I hadn’t been well – I had holes in my gut wall and stuff – and we were trying to figure out what to do with that because I’d felt poorly.’ She did what she always does in times of stress and turned to her family, moving first to her sister’s house, a few streets from their parents, then to a flat she rented on her own in the same west London neighbourhood.

Still, says Daisy, it was scary. It is difficult to think of a more in- tense introduction to Hollywood than winning a big role in a new Star Wars movie, nor a bigger professional leap than Daisy’s jump from small parts in the usual roster of UK dramas and long-running soaps – Casualty, Silent Witness, Mr Selfridge – to the first day of filming The Force Awakens in Abu Dhabi. She had only turned up to the audition when a friend mentioned she was going, too, and now here she was, on day one of the shoot, with a production assistant holding an umbrella over her to keep the sun off while she looked around and ‘freaked out’. And then JJ Abrams, the director, yelled ‘action’.

Daisy will never forget that first scene, in which she had to dismount from her Speeder bike and walk a short distance with BB-8 while saying something like, ‘We’re going to get you home.’ Is it true that, after delivering her line, JJ called her acting ‘wooden’? Daisy laughs. ‘It is true! After the first take, he goes, “Just a bit... wooden”, and then we carried on. But JJ is the kind of person who before a scene says, “Don’t fuck it up.” So he said, “Just a bit wooden”, and I was like, “Oh my God.” But it got better.’ She is still laughing at the discrepancy between how bad it sounds (quite bad), and how bad it was. ‘It’s only because that word “wooden” is so loaded. But it was just tense. And I thought, “OK, loosen that shit right up and it’ll get better.”’

In fact, Daisy found JJ Abrams and the rest of the production crew to be incredibly nurturing, to the extent that she was rarely aware of the Star Wars ‘ma- chine’. It was a friendly set, she says, where she mostly hung out with John Boyega, the 23-year-old Brit who plays Finn, and with whom she had the greatest number of scenes, although her best friends were among the crew. JJ Abrams had deliberately hired hair and make-up for Daisy from the team who had worked on the Harry Potter franchise because, she says, ‘aside from the fact that they’re amazing, he knew that they had looked after Emma [Watson], Daniel [Radcliffe] and Rupert [Grint] for however many years. I felt very well taken care of.’

Harrison Ford, meanwhile, reminds her of her dad – ‘They both have an earring and are fucking awesome,’ – and the first time she shot a scene with him, he gave her a hug and said, ‘She’s so adorable’, and she felt right at home after that. (Mean- while, when her real dad visited the set, he went up to Mark Hamill and, in classic dad fashion asked, ‘So, who do you play, then?’) 

In fact, the most difficult thing about the whole Star Wars experience has been reconciling the terrible warnings she received about how life would change with the reality of what actually happened – that, and the anxiety of shooting the second film. In the first instance, ‘Everyone asked me, “Are you ready for your life to change?” And that gets into your mind.’ Throughout this period, she tried to hang on to a piece of advice given to her by the late Carrie Fisher – not to shrink away from the success, but to enjoy it – ‘And that was wonderful.’ Beyond that, she threw herself back into work. ‘At work, you’re normal, you’re not the anomaly, unlike in other situations.’ 

Surely she has occasionally been starstruck herself? ‘Absolutely not,’ she says. ‘I’ve never idolised anyone, really. I never had a crush thing. So when I met Barbra Streisand, for example, I was blown away, not because of her work, but because she’s a fantastic woman.’ It was JJ Abrams who recommended Daisy to Barbra, who was looking for a young star with a good voice to feature in Encore, her album of 2016. Daisy ended up singing with her on the song At The Ballet from A Chorus Line, and finding a new role model for herself. ‘I went to her house and we talked about [psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl] Jung because my dad loves Jung, and we were talking about dreams, and I left and got super emotional, not because she’s famous, but because she’s amazing. Part of her reputation comes from being a woman. If it was a man being “controlling” about his career, people would just say he knows what he wants.’

One of the things Daisy has struggled with in the wake of grow- ing fame is the responsibility of being told Rey is a role model for young girls. She has been asked about feminism and has had to scramble, on occasion, to form an opinion, not because she is bland or apolitical, but because everything she now says has the potential to come back and haunt her. For someone struggling with self-doubt, this can have a paralysing effect, and it is testament to Daisy’s seriousness that she has the sense to acknowledge it.

Of course, whatever kind of attitude you have, being a beautiful young woman in Hollywood means you are exposed to constant scrutiny. Daisy, like Anne Hathaway and Jennifer Lawrence before her, will have to weather the salacious interest that undercuts anything she has to say and, if she seems less confident than her peers, it’s not only part of her charm but also, paradoxically, speaks to some deep-seated security that one assumes comes from Daisy’s family; it can take greater courage to admit to one’s weaknesses than to cover them up with bravado or a fake kind of self-confidence.

She has also learned to sit back and relax a little, although shooting the second Star Wars movie, in which she had fewer scenes with her pal, John Boyega, made her briefly very stressed. ‘It’s not this big adventure that I’m on with John [unlike in the first movie]. I was thinking I did the first one because I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into and I was having loads of fun, and suddenly I’m realising what this actually is, and I can’t fucking do this.’

She says all this with a smile to acknowledge how neurotic this was. ‘I’m highly dramatic – so it’s all “oh my God”. And [director] Rian [Johnson] just said, “We’re going to do this, and these are the scenes, and this is how it’s going to work,” and finally I was like, “Oh yeah, this is working.” The fact is sometimes you’re not good at your job, and sometimes you’re better at your job.’

Having that kind of experience helps, but Daisy still has moments when she has to check herself to make sure it’s all real. There was one night on the set of Murder on the Orient Express when she found herself sitting around playing cards alongside Sir Derek Jacobi, Olivia Colman, Penélope Cruz and her husband Javier Bardem, who had come to support his wife. (Judi Dench had retired early to bed.) The next day, she and Sir Derek sat around doing the crossword. Even Paranoid Linda couldn’t worry the fun out of that one.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi is out on 14 December.

— ELLE UK, December 2017

#i forgot to post this earlier #* #uploads #daisy ridley #elle uk #interview #rey #star wars #tlj #the last jedi #the force awakens #john boyega #jj abrams #harrison ford #rian johnson #kenneth branagh #murder on the orient express #carrie fisher #q

[imaginetonyandbucky]

Bucky used to be an alpha, so he's shocked when he wakes up 70 years in the future as an omega and bonded to Tony Stark.

Steve is talking, but Bucky can’t hear a single word he’s saying over the blood rushing in his ears, over the frantic beat of his heart echoing loudly in his head. He scoots back on his cot, feeling uncomfortably caged in by Steve leaning over him, but he can’t go far before his back hits a wall. Steve frowns, and reaches out toward Bucky’s shoulder, and Bucky panics.

Snarling, he swats Steve’s hand away, scrambling to get his legs under himself. Steve is frozen, brows drawn together in confusion, and Bucky uses the moment of hesitation to pounce; he knocks Steve right over, the two of them landing on the floor with a thud, Bucky poised above Steve, hand on Steve’s throat, teeth bared.

Out of the corner of his eye, Bucky can see the people on the other side of the room’s glass wall, moving around hectically, yelling and gesticulating wildly. When no one makes a move to actually come into the room, Bucky focuses back on Steve, flexing his fingers when he can feel Steve swallow.

He doesn’t let go, though. Can’t let go, even though he’s fully aware that he’s not acting rationally. This is Steve, his friend and brother, the only tangible thing in this strange, confusing place Bucky’s woken up to. Bucky knows it’s Steve, can not only see but also smell it, but while Steve’s scent used to settle him—make him think of family and comfort and home—it puts him on edge now. Makes him wary and nervous.

“—going to be okay, Buck, it’s—”

Bucky blinks, and shakes his head, but it doesn’t help much. His ears keep ringing, and there’s still a dark spot in his left eye that makes it hard to see, and he doesn’t know where he is, nothing’s familiar, and his arm is gone, he’s missing his left arm, it’s gone—

“—fine, you’re safe—not going to hurt—promise—”

Steve keeps talking, and Bucky keeps him pinned, unsure why, but sure that he has to. His head jerks up when the door suddenly opens, muscles tensing, bracing for an attack. He growls, and snaps his teeth in warning, tightening his hold on Steve, too, just in case.

The man walking into the room holds up his hands, palms out, showing that he means no harm. He approaches, slowly but steadily, until he’s standing a good arm’s length away, then crouches down to be on eye level with Bucky, and smiles warmly.

(Watch out for the break, mobile readers!)

His heartbeat is fast but regular, and he doesn’t smell aggressive or angry. Rather the opposite, in fact; he’s clearly another Alpha, but when Bucky sniffs surreptitiously to get a better read on him, something inside Bucky slots into place. He shudders as a sense of calm washes over him, his mouth dropping open to gulp in big, greedy breaths, and his eyes fluttering halfway shut in sudden bliss.

That makes the man’s smile widen, and his eyes crinkle happily. Bucky smiles back automatically, helpless not to.

“—told them—stupid idea—stubborn idiot, never listens—”

Bucky whines softly, and rubs his ear against his shoulder, annoyed with his body not functioning the way it’s supposed to.

The man pauses, purses his lips for a moment, then looks at Steve to, presumably, ask something. Steve nods, and the man smiles again when he looks back up at Bucky, and starts moving his hands.

It takes Bucky a few seconds—the last time they’d had to sign had been nearly three years ago, during an especially bad ear infection before Steve’d gotten the serum—but then he recognises the letters the man is shaping with his fingers; T-O-N-Y.

“Tony,” Bucky tries to say, hoping it comes out right.

But it must, because Tony beams, his scent turning honey-smooth with satisfaction. He starts spelling again, Steve’s name this time, then has to think for a moment before he adds the signs for ‘allow’ and ‘sit’ and ‘please’.

And, for some reason, that is enough to make it okay for Bucky to release his hold on Steve, and move away, plopping down on the floor next to Steve’s legs. Steve sits up, but, wisely, doesn’t try to touch Bucky again. He exchanges a few quick words with Tony before getting up, and clapping Tony on the back.

Bucky has to swallow back another growl at that, even though he can’t say why it bothers him that Steve’s hand is on Tony. Tony is a stranger, for all intents and purposes, no matter what Bucky’s instincts are trying to tell him. Bucky doesn’t take his eyes off Steve or fully relax until Steve’s on the other side of the glass wall, though.

“—Bucky—look at me, please, sweetheart—”

The endearment, once it registers, makes Bucky narrow his eyes at Tony. It should probably scare him, to have another man—another Alpha, no less, one he doesn’t know—talk to him so intimately, so familiarly, but all it does is make Bucky want to preen. To show his neck, roll onto his back, and submit. And that’s enough to make Bucky’s throat go tight, because he doesn’t understand, it doesn’t make any sense, none of this makes any sense at all—

“—sorry, hey, I’m—look, Bucky, come on—”

Bucky jumps when Tony gently cups his face in his hands, but melts into the contact a moment later, and goes readily when Tony guides him forward, tucking his face into Tony’s neck. Tony’s scent is strong there, and instantly soothes Bucky, making him go limp. Tony huffs out a little laugh that Bucky feels more than hears when Bucky slumps against him, but moves with Bucky easily, readjusting them both so he’s leaning against Bucky’s cot, with Bucky curled up against his chest.

There’s still a feeling of confusion lingering somewhere in the back of Bucky’s mind, but it’s mostly drowned out by the affection and happiness pouring off of Tony. Bucky doesn’t mean to fall asleep, has so many questions, but opening his eyes gets more difficult with every time he blinks, and when Tony’s fingers start combing through his hair, from the top of Bucky’s head down to the base of his neck, Bucky’s done for.

*

It’s noise that wakes Bucky. Nothing specific, but just the fact that he can hear it all—the murmur of voices from outside the room, fabric shifting when Tony moves, the ticking of a clock somewhere—is enough to rouse him. He opens his eyes slowly, blinking a couple of times, but he can see clearly again, no spots of blurriness left.

He lifts his head from Tony’s shoulder, but doesn’t move far enough to dislodge the arm Tony’s got curled around him. It’s comfortable, and it feels right.

“How are you feeling?” Tony asks, once Bucky’s done really taking in the room for the first time, and he’s smiling again when Bucky looks up at him. “You’re going to feel weak and disoriented for a couple of days, we think, but everything else should be on its way back to normal already. Well, what’s normal for you and Cap, anyway.”

“My—” Bucky croaks, voice breaking. He grimaces, clears his throat, and tries again. “My arm. On the train, after—I fell, didn’t I?”

Tony’s eyes are sad, but he nods.

Bucky nods along, having figured as much. “I don’t—I remember, a little? Not much, though, and after—after it’s only cold, dark. Pain.” He glances around the room again, things falling into place more easily now that his head is clear, and all his senses are working properly. “It’s not 1944 anymore, is it?” he asks, with a pointed look at what he thinks has to be a television, but looks even more outrageous and futuristic than the things in the pulps he used to read before the war.

“Clever,” Tony says, eyebrows raised. He smells proud, which makes Bucky’s stomach do something funny. “They had a whole set up when Steve went through this, and, let me tell you, I haven’t seen anything backfire so spectacularly in quite a while. And that’s me talking. So, no bullshit this time around, okay?”

“I’d appreciate that, yes,” Bucky says dryly, and they grin at each other for a second before Tony starts talking.

Some of it is hard to believe, but Bucky can smell that Tony isn’t lying. Steve appears on the other side of the glass after a while, listening in, and he looks so relieved when Bucky mouths, “Punk,” at him, even as he flips Bucky off.

Tony trails off after explaining how Bucky was found, frozen in an Austrian glacier, and how he was retrieved and brought back to the States. He falls silent, and it’s awkward between them for the first time.

Bucky has no patience for that, though. “And how did we end up bein’ bonded? ‘Cause last time I checked, two Alphas weren’t soulbond compatible.”

“About that.” Tony glances away, and rubs a hand over the back of his neck. “You’re not?”

On the other side of the glass, Steve closes his eyes, and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Oh, come on!” Tony exclaims, glaring at Steve. “What did you want me to do? There’s no easing into this, I’m sorry, but there’s really no easy way to tell someone they were so malnourished they never experienced a heat because of it, and got mislabelled as an Alpha purely due to completely unscientific reliance on physical appearance! I mean, seriously. This is why we have scans, and even back then a simple X-ray would’ve done the trick. A uterus is usually a pretty good indicator that a guy’s an Omega, you know!”

Tony winces, then, shooting Bucky a look that’s equal parts sheepish and apologetic. “Sorry.”

“‘S not your fault we were poor,” Bucky says, shrugging. He puts a hand on the side of Tony’s neck, and Tony breathes out slowly, losing some of the tension in his shoulders. He nudges his nose against Tony’s jaw, shooting him a flirty smile. “Besides, this makes me feel a lot less guilty about liking it up the—”

Steve bangs a hand against the glass, then throws up both his hands before stalking off. Tony is shaking with laughter, ducking down to hide his face in the crook of Bucky’s neck, murmuring, “You’re something else.”

Bucky hums, and leans his head against Tony’s. He’ll need some time to process everything that’s happened, everything that’s changed, but he’s still got Steve, and his soulmate is here and holding him close, so really; things could be a lot worse.

- Potrix

#winteriron #tony x bucky #tony stark #bucky barnes #alpha/beta/omega dynamics #alpha tony #omega bucky #soulmates #soulbond #tony is the master of tact #steve is so done with these two idiots #prompts #potrix

[jimlingss]

Can u please please make a drabble with for the love and money? Like how is jin becoming a dad, and maybe side story of the other character like jungkook and joonie. I was re-reading it again and still so mesmerized and there still an sting feeling right into my heart❤❤ maybe because it has slice of life genre so it can be relatable and easier to read than the bed of roses. And maybe you should make a masterlist? I'm sorry if this is too much to ask. Love your work!!😚

Oh and i just realized that u already done the masterlist 😂

Aww hahaa. Dude…For Love & Money is like 17 parts…literally it’s 201 pages. ROFL. and you want more?!?!! I understand though, Bed of Roses is a pain to read - it’s no…bed of roses (haha…see what I did there?). Not trying to spoil anything but if you liked for FL&M….this next series that I’m currently writing right now….boy……you gonna die. IT’S LIKE SO GOOD. No more spoilers. 

Anyways, since you did ask…not gonna lie I did think about the aftermath of FL&M and what would happen afterwards…I would never write it though I just felt like I ended off the series perfectly. The series holds a close spot in my heart. I love it a lot too. But I guess it wouldn’t hurt to share what I think would happen….

-It’s your first kid. AND IT’S DAMN HARD. You’re mostly scared and Jin comforts you and stuff and you feel a whole lot better but in the delivyer room, you are cursing his name. screaming. everything. literally punching him in between pushes. but being the FUCKING PERFECT (I wish he was my) HUSBAND that he is, he like holds you and comforts you and tells you that you’re gonna be a great mom and he’s so happy to have a family with you and that you’re going to okay, that everything is going to be okay. So now you’re bursting into tears and crying and still cursing his name, wondering why he loves you so damn much even when you’re a mess but he at that moment doesn’t think you’re a mess. Long story short, you are okay. and you give birth to a beautiful girl.

-Your mother in law busts into the room shortly after, looking as healthy as ever, scolding Jin for not taking better care of you and she is like mama bear, tucking you in tight, asking if you’re hungry, if you’re hurting, if you’re okay. She looks at your child and almost starts crying, holding her tightly and your own mom shows up with your dad and it’s all great.

-Well…but it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. The baby cries - a lot. And though Jin wakes up in the middle of the night taking care of the child, he still has to work. He stays home for a good two weeks first but they need him. He is the CEO. So he’s gone during the day and you are just busting. You just gave damn birth, your uterus is not okay, you are like bleeding with your organs mashed inside of you and your hormones are out of WHACK. but you try to keep it together and you do…for like a good three weeks until the kid doesn’t stop crying and you don’t know what’s wrong and you havent showered in three days and you cant make dinner and the house is a mess. so when he comes home, you’re on the floor crying with the baby. He feels sooooooooo bad and you’re like telling him that you can’t do it and you know he has priorities and work but you can’t do this and you’re terrible and you don’t know what’s wrong and there’s no reason to be but you are so angry at him for not helping out more. 

-He sleeps on the couch with the baby that night and the next day, he hands her off to his mother. and when you find out you. just. go. off. like CRAZYY. Like “WHAT THE HELL? WHERE IS MY BABY? THAT’S MY BABY! YOU THINK YOU JUST GO HAND HER OFF TO SOMEONE?!” Like predatory mama bear freak out and he just kisses you and tells you that he just wants you to feel better, for you to finally spend quality one on one time with him. Everything is okay. and you calm down and you don’t freak out, you mumble a sorry and everything is a lot better. You take a shower. He cleans up. He feeds you. You feel a ton better. 

-Anyways, when things begin to calm down and the baby gets a bit older, the both of you go on vacation for that honeymoon that you never had. It’s great. Just you and him. and your parents + parent-in-laws love your kid to hell and back anyways so they’re happy to take care of her. Anyways…on the trip there’s a lot of one on one time together. I mean…like very much close quality time. (cue weekend music jk jk).  if you still don’t understand - scandalous things.

-k so like your daughter is physically replica pretty much of Jin like SO DAMN BEAUTIFUL. but she has the personality of YOU. So that means she’s as stubborn as alllllllllll hell and not very nice to deal with. The two always clashes and she’s always begging for Jin’s attention. She falls down on the ground? She runs to Jin. She wants a snack? She’ll run to Jin. She wants a story? She runs to Jin. She wants a kiss? She runs to Jin. She wants to be picked up and carried? She runs to Jin. Your relationship with her is  similar to Aeri and Yoongi’s relationship. So you like bond over it with Yoongi, the two of you grabbing beers or something at a bar one night to get away from the kids. Nonetheless, she still loves you a ton, just she likes teasing you so she specifically directs more attention onto Jin, knowing you get a little peeved. 

-Yuju freaking loves your kid. 

-Yoongi is same old Yoongi. He asks if you regret having kids, to which you respond no. When you ask him, he says ‘nope. at least not until they pee their pants in the middle of the night and come bursting into your room when you’re having sex with your wife’. You laugh. 

-You return back to work. Your daughter is sometimes left at a daycare center, usually with your parents and parent-in-law, swapping every day. 

-Jungkook officially takes over the hospital, you take him out for drinks, patting him on the back while still calling him a brat. 

-Namjoon stays over at your house one night since he had a terrible breakup of like a five year relationship and so you learn just how close he and Jin are. 

-You hang out with the three kids - Mingyu, Haru and Junseo but cause this time you have a toddler with you, you’re always watching her and you’re much too exhausted to play. Jin takes over and plays with him. They like him a lot….almost more than you (much to your dismay).

-Sana gets hitched on the weekend spontaneously, you are baffled. She says it was the most romantic thing she’s ever done. 

-Taehyung shows up out of the blue at the hospital. Turns out he got drunk and hit his head on the concrete. He tries to flirt with Sana. He almost gets punched in the face by her husband. Turns out Taehyung knows Jungkook quite well and that they’re kinda friends (only for Jungkook to shake his head).

-You finally move houses. or rather out of your apartment and into a real damn house.

-Hoseok gets married and you are so happy for him. At the wedding, Yuju brings along Dokyeom and reveals that they’re officially together. You playfully warn him. 

-Drunk off of the wedding champagne, the festivities and the love in the air you and Jin finally have that son that he’s been talking about. LOL. (flash to the future, he’s like you but has Jin’s personality so much more gentle but still childish. Your son is always a victim to his sister’s bullying. rofl.)

-Jin is a great father to your children, so much so that they love him more than you (just a little bit, much to your dismay) and occasionally you bother him or whine to him for attention since he dotes so much on your kids. He still loves you just as much. Though like any relationship, it’s not always rainbows and butterflies; you argue over petty things and act childish sometimes - you have sincerely never been happier. 

-Life goes on. 

#I just spent an hour on this.... #damn... #I think there are more things but I can't remember #anyways enjoy hahaa #Jimlings

[lnd64zgj-blog]

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[babygirlblogging-lise-blog]

My First

I failed my driving test. 

That was in the fall of 2017, I was a senior in high school. All of my friends were getting their licenses and cars while I was stuck being a passenger. The woman who failed me thought I wasn’t confident enough. Like damn, can’t even be nervous without being penalized these days huh? She failed me for the most ridiculous shit. But that has nothing to do with the story I plan on telling. 

A few weeks before my eighteenth birthday I tried again. This was something I needed to do before I turned 18. Giving up wasn’t an option. There was no way I wanted to retake my written if I didn’t pass before I was considered a legal adult. The guy who tested me this time? He was fine as hell and now that I think about it, I was supposed to text him when I turned eighteen. I lost his number, sadly. But that also has nothing to do with the story. I want to tell you the story about the first guy I-

-’ve always been cheap. I was ten when my aunt was going to get a new car. I convinced her to save her old car for me so that when I started driving I wouldn’t have to buy a car. By the end of the summer of 2017, my grandpa fixed up the old car and I was all good to go. Free to go wherever I wanted. I no longer had to wait around for people, waste money on lyfts or walk. So naturally, I took myself on adventures. 

One night, against my better judgement. I lied to my mom and said I was going to hang out with my friends. If I would have told her what I was really going to do, she would’ve gone into over protective mode and I didn’t want that. I just wanted some time to myself. I drove over the bridge and into Philly. Not for a concert or any other event. I just wanted some me time. I parked my car. Got oreo ice cream and sugar cookies from Insomnia Cookies and walked around the city. 

Not going to lie and say I knew exactly where I was at all times. I wasn’t even guaranteed that I was safe, I wasn’t focused on my surroundings. All I know is I was somewhere around Broad Street, because that’s where Insomnia Cookies was located. I came across this huge, gorgeous building, I’m not very good at names. Everything was lit up and there was art on the sides of some of the buildings surrounding it. There was even a fountain in front of it all. The scene just looked so beautiful. I walked across the street, hopped up on a ledge and just took it all in. It felt serene, even with so many people flooding the sidewalks. I sat and continued eating my snacks, I was enjoying clearing my head. Until someone interrupted me that is… 

“Hey.” I looked up to see a cute guy. There were a few girls not too far from me talking. It was the beginning of August, late at night but still pushing eighty degrees. Of course they were clad in clothes that left nothing to the imagination. I figured he was talking to them. Guys like the ones who look easy. He couldn’t have been talking to me. So I went back to dipping my cookie into my ice cream and admiring the scenery. I didn’t really acknowledge the fact that he moved a little closer to me. He said hey again and I finally looked up at him directly, before looking around. He laughed a little. “I don’t blame you for being that into ya snacks. I love their shit. But I’ve been trying to get your attention for a minute.” Yep, he’s definitely talking to me. I was confused as to why though. I get hit on by guys pretty often, I know I’m not ugly but with him talking to me, I felt extremely insecure. Suddenly I wished that I had dressed a little better. I looked like a child for fucks sakes. I was wearing a gold fish shirt, black tights, a hat that said “Hoodrats” and Chucks. I was even swinging my legs off the ledge, eating ice cream! 

He introduced himself as Dey. I wanted to know the name his mom gave him so I asked him for his full name. Ayinde. Pronounced Uh-zhen-day. Unique. It has African origins. He told me that my name was almost as pretty as I was. If I were white, I definitely would have blushed. I didn’t understand why he made me feel so shy. 

 I learned that he was mixed with Irish, Haitian and Cuban. Interesting mix, I know. Despite his slight baby face, he turned out to be 20. He was tall, about 6’1. He had taken his hat off to redo his ponytail, he tied his curly, brown hair back into a man bun. He was light skinned with a slight tan. Doe brown eyes paired with the cutest smile. He was dressed in all black, I would’ve been a little concerned if it weren’t for the logo on his hat. I could see a tattoo peeking out from under his short sleeved shirt. Just my type. 

I was tired of the small talk and beating around the bush. “Why’d you come over here to talk to me?” Instead of replying, the douche just smiled and then hopped up on the ledge next to me. It was weird. I was supposed to be having me time, if any other guy did this I would’ve been rude. I wouldn’t have given them the time of day. I wasn’t even afraid, Ayinde strangely made me feel safe. Something was telling me to give him a chance, instead of shutting him down. 

“Well, I was on break, I work across the street.” He points to a small cafe. “I saw you walk by and… I don’t know I thought you were beautiful. Now that I’ve gotten closer, it seems so effortless. No make up and you’re not even dressed up.”

Shit, I have no clue what to say to this. He’s been nice and respectful. “Thank you.” Well, that was lame but it was safe. We talked more before he had to go back to work. He was funny as hell, we both had the same rude, dark, sarcastic humor. He complimented me pretty often and he seemed kind of bummed that he had to leave once his break was over. 

“Why don’t you grow some balls and just ask me what you wanna ask me.” I thought to myself, I should be a fucking actress. I’m great at faking confidence. 

He laughed and just smiled at me for a second. “Well, I would like to get to know you more. Can I get your number?” 

You know when you give someone your number, you almost expect them to wait days or weeks to text you. Surprisingly, Ayinde texted me that night. 

AYINDE: hey beautiful, u get home safely?

ME: Oh shit, I see u found ur balls! 

AYINDE: lol yea yea yea. I know I was acting like a pussy earlier but that’s not how I usually am

***

AYINDE: FT me? I haven’t seen u since we met punk

ME: No I look crazy rn 

AYINDE: Is tht even possible? I think you’re cute af

ME: aww thanks but everyone’s entitled to their own insecurities

AYINDE: Ig but that’s y u need me 

ME: wym?

AYINDE: to take away your insecurities

ME: Doubt that’s possible 

AYINDE: try me

***

ME: entertain meee! I’m bored, stuck at my great grandma’s house :(

AYINDE: I literally just woke up, still in bed

ME: Luckyyy, my head’s fucking killing me

AYINDE: wish I could help

ME: me too lol do u have superpowers? 

AYINDE: no, do u?

ME: Nah I’m not tht awesome 

AYINDE: I think ur pretty awesome

Ayinde and I got closer over the next month. We hadn’t actually seen each other after the first time we met. He worked crazy hours and still had school. I worked everyday and had school as well. Plus, I wasn’t completely comfortable meeting up with a guy I didn’t really know. He understood that. He always made sure I was comfortable before we did anything. He eventually convinced me to facetime him… a lot... and when we didn’t he acted like a big baby.

ME: u happy now?

AYINDE: lol no

ME: y not -_-

AYINDE: I got nothing pretty to look at now

ME: whose fault it tht?

AYINDE: idk. Do u kno?

ME: Lol yea ik

AYINDE: tell me 

ME: yours :P

AYINDE: well if u came over we wouldn’t have this problem

I was a very late bloomer. I knew freshmen girls who got pregnant, meanwhile I hadn’t had my first kiss until I was 16. I didn’t start dating until 17. I was a fresh 18 and I was still a virgin. I waited a while to tell him because I liked him and didn’t want to scare him off. But he surprised me, I learned that he wasn’t like other guys. Most guys only want you for one thing. And that’s to get them off. Not all are gonna be lovey dovey when you’re not putting out. 

ME: I hate being a girl. I think my uterus just exlpoded. Im dying

AYINDE: Aww u can’t die yet, I havent taken u out yet

ME: wut do u want from meee

AYINDE: I told u what I want 

ME: hmmmm

AYINDE: i didnt? 

ME: u could have an ulterior motive

AYINDE: lol what? Ayo y cant I just think ur gorgeous and want to get to kno u, find out who u r

***

He was very protective of me. Anytime I even looked a tiny bit sad or sounded off, he was ready to beat someone up for me. 

AYINDE: ur awake? 

ME: Yea just woke up on some bs 

AYINDE: u good?

ME: yea im ok lol

AYINDE: u sure? I’ll fuck someone up

ME: lol yea im good now

And as the oldest, always looking out for my little brothers and my friends. It felt good to have someone looking out for me for a change. 

***

ME: I move into college tmw nd I aint pack shit yet

AYINDE: ur bugging

ME: Pack 4 me?

AYINDE: lol ill pass

ME: my back hurts like all hell, some of this shit is heavy

AYINDE: what u carrying…?

ME: 4 one, I hav a lot of clothes, they add up nd I had to take em downstairs

AYINDE: lol whoakay wittle wone

ME: fuck u, this shit weighs more than me! I almost fell down the stairs!

AYINDE: thts cuz ur like 87 lbs

ME: Aye! Give me my props, im like 120

AYINDE: lol i see u killa

I fucking loved when he called me that, made me feel invincible. 

Despite how it seems this isn’t a love story. This isn’t a memoir about me finding my first love. Bleh. That’s so sappy. I want to tell you about the first time I stepped out of my comfort zone. You’ve experienced a snippet of our relationship. Ayinde and I were never together. We were just people who met at the wrong time. Had too much going on in our separate lives to focus on developing a relationship. But it didn’t stop us from pursuing the unique friendship we had. For years we maintained contact, I’d visit him pretty often but we always kept our distance when it came to personal things. We used each other as escapes from our realities. We were each other’s vacation after a long week. 

One night we were hanging out and things got more heated than they usually did. I wasn’t prepared to take the next step with anyone. No worries, I’m not about to make you uncomfortable and talk about how I lost my virginity because that isn’t the point. Before I say anything, I did have a great childhood. But some things did leave me scarred, I struggled with intimacy as a result. To make a long story short, it makes me self conscious, not something I’ll flaunt for the whole world to see. 

I’m the type of girl who will wait until the bathroom is empty to change my pad or start going to the bathroom. If it’s too busy, I’ll wait all day until I go home. In the locker room, I’d find the farthest corner or wait until all the girls leave to change my clothes. I’m not comfortable being alone around men. I used to clench my pocket knife in my hand when I walked home alone at night. The list goes on. 

The point of this memoir is to tell about the first time I felt completely comfortable in my own skin. Let alone, around a guy. 

They were everywhere. Trailing from my neck and back up against mine. His lips were distracting. I could barely focus. Let alone notice that the both of us were wearing less and less clothing by the minute. I stopped. 

I wouldn’t be able to handle him not liking what he saw. What if I did a bad job? What if he stopped talking to me?

“Do you want me to stop?” Ayinde pulled back from me looking concerned. He looks so cute right now. I kind of wanted to pick up where we left off. 

“Ye-No. It’s just, can you turn the lights completely down?” He liked his room dim, not too bright or dark. It was normally perfect but at that moment, they were making this situation turn into a nightmare.

“Um, why? What’s wrong?” He’s still hovering above me. I didn’t really want him to move. I bit my lip, contemplating. 

“Just don’t look at me any differently. Okay?” I pulled him down by the back of his neck and kissed him hard. Hoping that my issues with myself wouldn’t be a big deal, I’ve never gone this far with anyone. 

When the time came. I held my breath. Okay, I see my pants on the floor near the dresser. My shirt is near the door. I was locating my clothing so that I’d be able to leave quicker. I’m not really one to feel embarrassed but this was going to be borderline humiliating if I wasn’t enough for him. This reminded me of how I felt when I failed my driving test, but I wanted to do this with Ayinde. I didn’t want to quit just because I hadn’t grown the balls to show anyone else. I didn’t want to miss out because I was nervous as to what he might think. I had to at least give him a chance. 

What Ayinde did shocked me. Instead of being grossed out or losing his hard on. He didn’t ask any questions, he didn’t say anything. He kissed every part of my body and when he was done he leaned down to kiss my lips. I was worried, about him seeing all of me, for no reason. He wound up giving me the confidence I needed to be comfortable in my own skin. He told me what I needed to hear from a guy that I was into, not my parents: 

“You’re beautiful.”

And just like that... I didn’t have anymore insecurities. 

#insecure #short story

[meredithjpierre]

Best Eating Practices For Humans by Dr Lodi

There are two kinds of land mammals. There’s the cats and dogs, which means lions, tiger, panther, and then the dogs, which are wolves, hyena, jackal, like that. Their jaw only goes up and down. Their teeth are long and sharp, there’s nothing flat, no flat. Even the back teeth, if you open the dog’s mouth, are sharp. They don’t have lips and they don’t have cheeks. That’s why when a dog is eating, the food falls out, they have to pick it up.

Their saliva is acidic. Their intestines are smooth and short, and they’re only three times the length of the trunk. Anyway, their liver has certain enzymes and they don’t sweat. They don’t sweat. When they’re hot, they pant. And their feet and claws are designed to kill, so …

Now, the other non-dog, non-cat, everything, elephants, rhino, giraffe, raccoon, not raccoon, deer, all the animals without snouts, the jaws move horizontal and vertical, for grinding. So, they have to grind, you have flat teeth.

People say because we have this tooth that we are carnivores. It’s the same, it doesn’t go down below the line. It functions as an incisor, it does not function as a piercing. If you’re confused, you go to the zoo and make the lion angry so he goes … and you’ll see. You’ll see canine, those are canine. They’re long, they’re pointed, and they’re meant to pierce, to kill.

So, we don’t have those. Dracula does. You remember Dracula, right? He has them, so for Dracula he’s okay, he can drink blood … You guys like blood?

When you eat meat, do you like it cooked?

Very well, right? You wanna boil away the blood, right? Just eat the muscle and what else, the nerve tissue, you like-

Anyway, so the saliva is alkaline, the cheeks and the lips … So, when we’re chewing, it doesn’t fall out.

Dog and cats don’t have lips, you know that, right? Did you ever try to kiss your dog?

Anyway, the intestines are eight to 12 times the length, eight to 12 times the length of the trunk. For example, my torso may be one meter. The digestive tract is 10 meters. We don’t make uric acid. And we sweat, we don’t pant.

And we have hands and fingers. We can’t kill, you can’t kill, it’s hard to kill. You can kill small animals. You could probably pick up a rabbit and choke it and then eat it. Do you like to eat the rabbit?

Just rip it open and eat important? Well, see, that’s a carnivore. These hands were made for pulling, plucking, peeling, planting, not killing. In fact, if we want to kill, we have to get a weapon, a tool. We have to make something to kill. We’re not designed to kill.

When they talk about omnivores, an omnivore is an animal that eats anything, right? Well, all omnivores must be able to kill, because if there’s not enough plants around they need to be able to kill. And therefore, all omnivores have a snout.

So, a dog is really an omnivore, a cat is a carnivore because a cat must kill and eat the animal alive. The dog, they would rather somebody else kill it and they like to eat the corpse. They prefer corpse. Everybody here prefer corpse? You like corpse, right?

Better than animal alive, right? You like to eat dead lambs, right, dead sheep?

So, anyway, the carnivore, the cats, they kill the animal, they break the act, and when the animal’s dead, then they eat it. They eat the inside first. They eat the liver and the heart and they eat the uterus, the ovaries, the testicles. Sounds good? The lungs, kidneys. They drink the blood. They chew on the eyeballs, the eyeballs are really good. You can suck out the eye, if you have a long tongue you suck, you pull the eyeball out and you can eat it.

Now, if they’re full and they walk away, what they save for the vulture, you know the vulture, is what we call steak. The scavenger, this is the one, this is the one, the dogs …

A bear is an omnivore. A bear is big and strong, but they have a snout. 90% of their diet is plant. They love berries, they love honey. But if they have to kill, they can.

Now, the problem is they have, you know, if there’s a dead animal on the ground the dog will smell it, and the dog will smell it and by the smell will know if he can eat it. If the animal is dead for more than 48 hours, 72 hours, they won’t eat it, ’cause know they know it’s food for bacteria and insects.

But we don’t know that ’cause we’re stupid, we’re really stupid. So, we kill the animal and it gets stiff. It’s called rigor mortis. If you try to eat it, you break your teeth. So, we hang it up and we let it decay. We let it decay for 96 hours and now it’s soft enough to chew. So, we cut out the puss, we cut out the maggots, and then we can eat it. We still don’t wanna eat it, so then we cook it.

So, we not only, we don’t eat the food of the carnivore, we don’t even eat the food of the scavenger. We eat the food of the maggot.

By the way, we don’t say that we decay it. When you’re in a restaurant the guy doesn’t come up to you and say, “This was decayed for two months, we’ve been decaying … ” No. He says aged, aged, it’s aged beef.

Well, when I was learning English, I learned that things that are alive can age, like a baby ages and becomes a child, the child ages and becomes an adult. But if it’s dead, it can’t age. It decays.

Why do we say aged? Because we instinctively would never eat a decayed corpse. And we don’t even call it that. Do you say to your family, “Would you like some dead pig and chicken embryos for breakfast?” No, we say, “Would you like some bacon and eggs? Would you like some … ” Right? We say it like that.

So, we change the name, we call it beef. What’s a beef? Did you ever see a beef walking around? What do they look like, beefs? How about nuggets? I’ve never seen nuggets walking around. Have you seen a nugget? Sausages? Veal? Veal is a cute little name for a tortured baby animal. So, we don’t wanna say the truth.

It’s just like, does anybody have health insurance? No. You have disease insurance. If you’re healthy, they don’t give you anything. How about life insurance? It’s death insurance, it’s not life insurance. If you’re alive, you don’t get it until you die? Why do we do this? Because humans have to justify everything they do. So, we lie to ourselves, we lie to each other.

Now, if you took a rabbit and an apple and you put it next to a baby, a two-year-old, a one-year-old, he’ll eat the apple and play with the rabbit. If you put the rabbit and an apple in the cage with a baby tiger, they’ll eat the rabbit and play with the apple.

So, instinctual, before, everybody’s young, you have to force your child to eat dead animals. They would not naturally eat dead … If you have a turtle, a rabbit, chicken, a cow, and you have a banana, fruit, what would a human normally eat? Are they gonna eat the animal? No. You have to teach it.

Have you ever gone driving in the country and you see all the grass, beautiful, and you see a cow walking and eating, right?

Right? Or you’re walking home and there’s a dead animal, what do you do? Do you go, “Great, I don’t have to go shopping now”?

We wanna give you the skills here, so you can learn how to prepare. One of them would be to go shopping? How do you pick a ripe piece of fruit? How do you pick a ripe tomato? Do you buy tomatoes that are still not ripe so that they can sit at home and get ripe at home? No? Cause a lot of people do that.

When you eat food, the important things are organic, fresh, and ripe. The problem is when they picked the banana, they picked it green. They picked it green because they had to get it to you. So, really, it wasn’t picked at the right time. The best banana is the banana that you pick right off the tree and eat. We can’t eat that way, so we have to …

The reason I tell you this is just so you can try to do it as, you can try to get as close as possible to eating the right way.

So, anyway, the good news is you will have a brand-new body in a year from now. So, take control of what that’s going to be. And the other thing that we’ll talk about, that’s very important, is your mind, your state of mind, your stress and all that sort of thing, because that impacts.

You can be eating the best food in the world and cleaning your colon out, and you can be in a relationship with somebody that is toxic, and it’ll all get wiped out. And you can come to a center like this and you can get well, and you go back home and you’ll be right back where you started.

So, again, the ability to deal with stress and to have good relationships, healthy relationships and things like that, very, very important.

And so, if you have those three things, we change your database, we give you skills, how to shop, how to prepare healthy foods, and we give you the experience, and then you’re here long enough to get some habits about going to sleep, then you go back, then you have a chance.

Also, you need to come with a spouse or a family member, because if you go back and you’re the only one that changed and you go back to a family who looks at you like you’re crazy, it won’t last. I always say bring your spouse and your mother and everybody, the more people the better.

Best Eating Practices For Humans by Dr Lodi published first on https://akesislife.blogspot.com

[shirleyjgolding]

Best Eating Practices For Humans by Dr Lodi

There are two kinds of land mammals. There’s the cats and dogs, which means lions, tiger, panther, and then the dogs, which are wolves, hyena, jackal, like that. Their jaw only goes up and down. Their teeth are long and sharp, there’s nothing flat, no flat. Even the back teeth, if you open the dog’s mouth, are sharp. They don’t have lips and they don’t have cheeks. That’s why when a dog is eating, the food falls out, they have to pick it up.

Their saliva is acidic. Their intestines are smooth and short, and they’re only three times the length of the trunk. Anyway, their liver has certain enzymes and they don’t sweat. They don’t sweat. When they’re hot, they pant. And their feet and claws are designed to kill, so …

Now, the other non-dog, non-cat, everything, elephants, rhino, giraffe, raccoon, not raccoon, deer, all the animals without snouts, the jaws move horizontal and vertical, for grinding. So, they have to grind, you have flat teeth.

People say because we have this tooth that we are carnivores. It’s the same, it doesn’t go down below the line. It functions as an incisor, it does not function as a piercing. If you’re confused, you go to the zoo and make the lion angry so he goes … and you’ll see. You’ll see canine, those are canine. They’re long, they’re pointed, and they’re meant to pierce, to kill.

So, we don’t have those. Dracula does. You remember Dracula, right? He has them, so for Dracula he’s okay, he can drink blood … You guys like blood?

When you eat meat, do you like it cooked?

Very well, right? You wanna boil away the blood, right? Just eat the muscle and what else, the nerve tissue, you like-

Anyway, so the saliva is alkaline, the cheeks and the lips … So, when we’re chewing, it doesn’t fall out.

Dog and cats don’t have lips, you know that, right? Did you ever try to kiss your dog?

Anyway, the intestines are eight to 12 times the length, eight to 12 times the length of the trunk. For example, my torso may be one meter. The digestive tract is 10 meters. We don’t make uric acid. And we sweat, we don’t pant.

And we have hands and fingers. We can’t kill, you can’t kill, it’s hard to kill. You can kill small animals. You could probably pick up a rabbit and choke it and then eat it. Do you like to eat the rabbit?

Just rip it open and eat important? Well, see, that’s a carnivore. These hands were made for pulling, plucking, peeling, planting, not killing. In fact, if we want to kill, we have to get a weapon, a tool. We have to make something to kill. We’re not designed to kill.

When they talk about omnivores, an omnivore is an animal that eats anything, right? Well, all omnivores must be able to kill, because if there’s not enough plants around they need to be able to kill. And therefore, all omnivores have a snout.

So, a dog is really an omnivore, a cat is a carnivore because a cat must kill and eat the animal alive. The dog, they would rather somebody else kill it and they like to eat the corpse. They prefer corpse. Everybody here prefer corpse? You like corpse, right?

Better than animal alive, right? You like to eat dead lambs, right, dead sheep?

So, anyway, the carnivore, the cats, they kill the animal, they break the act, and when the animal’s dead, then they eat it. They eat the inside first. They eat the liver and the heart and they eat the uterus, the ovaries, the testicles. Sounds good? The lungs, kidneys. They drink the blood. They chew on the eyeballs, the eyeballs are really good. You can suck out the eye, if you have a long tongue you suck, you pull the eyeball out and you can eat it.

Now, if they’re full and they walk away, what they save for the vulture, you know the vulture, is what we call steak. The scavenger, this is the one, this is the one, the dogs …

A bear is an omnivore. A bear is big and strong, but they have a snout. 90% of their diet is plant. They love berries, they love honey. But if they have to kill, they can.

Now, the problem is they have, you know, if there’s a dead animal on the ground the dog will smell it, and the dog will smell it and by the smell will know if he can eat it. If the animal is dead for more than 48 hours, 72 hours, they won’t eat it, ’cause know they know it’s food for bacteria and insects.

But we don’t know that ’cause we’re stupid, we’re really stupid. So, we kill the animal and it gets stiff. It’s called rigor mortis. If you try to eat it, you break your teeth. So, we hang it up and we let it decay. We let it decay for 96 hours and now it’s soft enough to chew. So, we cut out the puss, we cut out the maggots, and then we can eat it. We still don’t wanna eat it, so then we cook it.

So, we not only, we don’t eat the food of the carnivore, we don’t even eat the food of the scavenger. We eat the food of the maggot.

By the way, we don’t say that we decay it. When you’re in a restaurant the guy doesn’t come up to you and say, “This was decayed for two months, we’ve been decaying … ” No. He says aged, aged, it’s aged beef.

Well, when I was learning English, I learned that things that are alive can age, like a baby ages and becomes a child, the child ages and becomes an adult. But if it’s dead, it can’t age. It decays.

Why do we say aged? Because we instinctively would never eat a decayed corpse. And we don’t even call it that. Do you say to your family, “Would you like some dead pig and chicken embryos for breakfast?” No, we say, “Would you like some bacon and eggs? Would you like some … ” Right? We say it like that.

So, we change the name, we call it beef. What’s a beef? Did you ever see a beef walking around? What do they look like, beefs? How about nuggets? I’ve never seen nuggets walking around. Have you seen a nugget? Sausages? Veal? Veal is a cute little name for a tortured baby animal. So, we don’t wanna say the truth.

It’s just like, does anybody have health insurance? No. You have disease insurance. If you’re healthy, they don’t give you anything. How about life insurance? It’s death insurance, it’s not life insurance. If you’re alive, you don’t get it until you die? Why do we do this? Because humans have to justify everything they do. So, we lie to ourselves, we lie to each other.

Now, if you took a rabbit and an apple and you put it next to a baby, a two-year-old, a one-year-old, he’ll eat the apple and play with the rabbit. If you put the rabbit and an apple in the cage with a baby tiger, they’ll eat the rabbit and play with the apple.

So, instinctual, before, everybody’s young, you have to force your child to eat dead animals. They would not naturally eat dead … If you have a turtle, a rabbit, chicken, a cow, and you have a banana, fruit, what would a human normally eat? Are they gonna eat the animal? No. You have to teach it.

Have you ever gone driving in the country and you see all the grass, beautiful, and you see a cow walking and eating, right?

Right? Or you’re walking home and there’s a dead animal, what do you do? Do you go, “Great, I don’t have to go shopping now”?

We wanna give you the skills here, so you can learn how to prepare. One of them would be to go shopping? How do you pick a ripe piece of fruit? How do you pick a ripe tomato? Do you buy tomatoes that are still not ripe so that they can sit at home and get ripe at home? No? Cause a lot of people do that.

When you eat food, the important things are organic, fresh, and ripe. The problem is when they picked the banana, they picked it green. They picked it green because they had to get it to you. So, really, it wasn’t picked at the right time. The best banana is the banana that you pick right off the tree and eat. We can’t eat that way, so we have to …

The reason I tell you this is just so you can try to do it as, you can try to get as close as possible to eating the right way.

So, anyway, the good news is you will have a brand-new body in a year from now. So, take control of what that’s going to be. And the other thing that we’ll talk about, that’s very important, is your mind, your state of mind, your stress and all that sort of thing, because that impacts.

You can be eating the best food in the world and cleaning your colon out, and you can be in a relationship with somebody that is toxic, and it’ll all get wiped out. And you can come to a center like this and you can get well, and you go back home and you’ll be right back where you started.

So, again, the ability to deal with stress and to have good relationships, healthy relationships and things like that, very, very important.

And so, if you have those three things, we change your database, we give you skills, how to shop, how to prepare healthy foods, and we give you the experience, and then you’re here long enough to get some habits about going to sleep, then you go back, then you have a chance.

Also, you need to come with a spouse or a family member, because if you go back and you’re the only one that changed and you go back to a family who looks at you like you’re crazy, it won’t last. I always say bring your spouse and your mother and everybody, the more people the better.

Best Eating Practices For Humans by Dr Lodi published first on https://akesislife.wordpress.com

[kellyjrpeterson]

Best Eating Practices For Humans by Dr Lodi

There are two kinds of land mammals. There’s the cats and dogs, which means lions, tiger, panther, and then the dogs, which are wolves, hyena, jackal, like that. Their jaw only goes up and down. Their teeth are long and sharp, there’s nothing flat, no flat. Even the back teeth, if you open the dog’s mouth, are sharp. They don’t have lips and they don’t have cheeks. That’s why when a dog is eating, the food falls out, they have to pick it up.

Their saliva is acidic. Their intestines are smooth and short, and they’re only three times the length of the trunk. Anyway, their liver has certain enzymes and they don’t sweat. They don’t sweat. When they’re hot, they pant. And their feet and claws are designed to kill, so …

Now, the other non-dog, non-cat, everything, elephants, rhino, giraffe, raccoon, not raccoon, deer, all the animals without snouts, the jaws move horizontal and vertical, for grinding. So, they have to grind, you have flat teeth.

People say because we have this tooth that we are carnivores. It’s the same, it doesn’t go down below the line. It functions as an incisor, it does not function as a piercing. If you’re confused, you go to the zoo and make the lion angry so he goes … and you’ll see. You’ll see canine, those are canine. They’re long, they’re pointed, and they’re meant to pierce, to kill.

So, we don’t have those. Dracula does. You remember Dracula, right? He has them, so for Dracula he’s okay, he can drink blood … You guys like blood?

When you eat meat, do you like it cooked?

Very well, right? You wanna boil away the blood, right? Just eat the muscle and what else, the nerve tissue, you like-

Anyway, so the saliva is alkaline, the cheeks and the lips … So, when we’re chewing, it doesn’t fall out.

Dog and cats don’t have lips, you know that, right? Did you ever try to kiss your dog?

Anyway, the intestines are eight to 12 times the length, eight to 12 times the length of the trunk. For example, my torso may be one meter. The digestive tract is 10 meters. We don’t make uric acid. And we sweat, we don’t pant.

And we have hands and fingers. We can’t kill, you can’t kill, it’s hard to kill. You can kill small animals. You could probably pick up a rabbit and choke it and then eat it. Do you like to eat the rabbit?

Just rip it open and eat important? Well, see, that’s a carnivore. These hands were made for pulling, plucking, peeling, planting, not killing. In fact, if we want to kill, we have to get a weapon, a tool. We have to make something to kill. We’re not designed to kill.

When they talk about omnivores, an omnivore is an animal that eats anything, right? Well, all omnivores must be able to kill, because if there’s not enough plants around they need to be able to kill. And therefore, all omnivores have a snout.

So, a dog is really an omnivore, a cat is a carnivore because a cat must kill and eat the animal alive. The dog, they would rather somebody else kill it and they like to eat the corpse. They prefer corpse. Everybody here prefer corpse? You like corpse, right?

Better than animal alive, right? You like to eat dead lambs, right, dead sheep?

So, anyway, the carnivore, the cats, they kill the animal, they break the act, and when the animal’s dead, then they eat it. They eat the inside first. They eat the liver and the heart and they eat the uterus, the ovaries, the testicles. Sounds good? The lungs, kidneys. They drink the blood. They chew on the eyeballs, the eyeballs are really good. You can suck out the eye, if you have a long tongue you suck, you pull the eyeball out and you can eat it.

Now, if they’re full and they walk away, what they save for the vulture, you know the vulture, is what we call steak. The scavenger, this is the one, this is the one, the dogs …

A bear is an omnivore. A bear is big and strong, but they have a snout. 90% of their diet is plant. They love berries, they love honey. But if they have to kill, they can.

Now, the problem is they have, you know, if there’s a dead animal on the ground the dog will smell it, and the dog will smell it and by the smell will know if he can eat it. If the animal is dead for more than 48 hours, 72 hours, they won’t eat it, ’cause know they know it’s food for bacteria and insects.

But we don’t know that ’cause we’re stupid, we’re really stupid. So, we kill the animal and it gets stiff. It’s called rigor mortis. If you try to eat it, you break your teeth. So, we hang it up and we let it decay. We let it decay for 96 hours and now it’s soft enough to chew. So, we cut out the puss, we cut out the maggots, and then we can eat it. We still don’t wanna eat it, so then we cook it.

So, we not only, we don’t eat the food of the carnivore, we don’t even eat the food of the scavenger. We eat the food of the maggot.

By the way, we don’t say that we decay it. When you’re in a restaurant the guy doesn’t come up to you and say, “This was decayed for two months, we’ve been decaying … ” No. He says aged, aged, it’s aged beef.

Well, when I was learning English, I learned that things that are alive can age, like a baby ages and becomes a child, the child ages and becomes an adult. But if it’s dead, it can’t age. It decays.

Why do we say aged? Because we instinctively would never eat a decayed corpse. And we don’t even call it that. Do you say to your family, “Would you like some dead pig and chicken embryos for breakfast?” No, we say, “Would you like some bacon and eggs? Would you like some … ” Right? We say it like that.

So, we change the name, we call it beef. What’s a beef? Did you ever see a beef walking around? What do they look like, beefs? How about nuggets? I’ve never seen nuggets walking around. Have you seen a nugget? Sausages? Veal? Veal is a cute little name for a tortured baby animal. So, we don’t wanna say the truth.

It’s just like, does anybody have health insurance? No. You have disease insurance. If you’re healthy, they don’t give you anything. How about life insurance? It’s death insurance, it’s not life insurance. If you’re alive, you don’t get it until you die? Why do we do this? Because humans have to justify everything they do. So, we lie to ourselves, we lie to each other.

Now, if you took a rabbit and an apple and you put it next to a baby, a two-year-old, a one-year-old, he’ll eat the apple and play with the rabbit. If you put the rabbit and an apple in the cage with a baby tiger, they’ll eat the rabbit and play with the apple.

So, instinctual, before, everybody’s young, you have to force your child to eat dead animals. They would not naturally eat dead … If you have a turtle, a rabbit, chicken, a cow, and you have a banana, fruit, what would a human normally eat? Are they gonna eat the animal? No. You have to teach it.

Have you ever gone driving in the country and you see all the grass, beautiful, and you see a cow walking and eating, right?

Right? Or you’re walking home and there’s a dead animal, what do you do? Do you go, “Great, I don’t have to go shopping now”?

We wanna give you the skills here, so you can learn how to prepare. One of them would be to go shopping? How do you pick a ripe piece of fruit? How do you pick a ripe tomato? Do you buy tomatoes that are still not ripe so that they can sit at home and get ripe at home? No? Cause a lot of people do that.

When you eat food, the important things are organic, fresh, and ripe. The problem is when they picked the banana, they picked it green. They picked it green because they had to get it to you. So, really, it wasn’t picked at the right time. The best banana is the banana that you pick right off the tree and eat. We can’t eat that way, so we have to …

The reason I tell you this is just so you can try to do it as, you can try to get as close as possible to eating the right way.

So, anyway, the good news is you will have a brand-new body in a year from now. So, take control of what that’s going to be. And the other thing that we’ll talk about, that’s very important, is your mind, your state of mind, your stress and all that sort of thing, because that impacts.

You can be eating the best food in the world and cleaning your colon out, and you can be in a relationship with somebody that is toxic, and it’ll all get wiped out. And you can come to a center like this and you can get well, and you go back home and you’ll be right back where you started.

So, again, the ability to deal with stress and to have good relationships, healthy relationships and things like that, very, very important.

And so, if you have those three things, we change your database, we give you skills, how to shop, how to prepare healthy foods, and we give you the experience, and then you’re here long enough to get some habits about going to sleep, then you go back, then you have a chance.

Also, you need to come with a spouse or a family member, because if you go back and you’re the only one that changed and you go back to a family who looks at you like you’re crazy, it won’t last. I always say bring your spouse and your mother and everybody, the more people the better.

Best Eating Practices For Humans by Dr Lodi published first on https://akesislife.tumblr.com

[akesislife]

Best Eating Practices For Humans by Dr Lodi

There are two kinds of land mammals. There’s the cats and dogs, which means lions, tiger, panther, and then the dogs, which are wolves, hyena, jackal, like that. Their jaw only goes up and down. Their teeth are long and sharp, there’s nothing flat, no flat. Even the back teeth, if you open the dog’s mouth, are sharp. They don’t have lips and they don’t have cheeks. That’s why when a dog is eating, the food falls out, they have to pick it up.

Their saliva is acidic. Their intestines are smooth and short, and they’re only three times the length of the trunk. Anyway, their liver has certain enzymes and they don’t sweat. They don’t sweat. When they’re hot, they pant. And their feet and claws are designed to kill, so …

Now, the other non-dog, non-cat, everything, elephants, rhino, giraffe, raccoon, not raccoon, deer, all the animals without snouts, the jaws move horizontal and vertical, for grinding. So, they have to grind, you have flat teeth.

People say because we have this tooth that we are carnivores. It’s the same, it doesn’t go down below the line. It functions as an incisor, it does not function as a piercing. If you’re confused, you go to the zoo and make the lion angry so he goes … and you’ll see. You’ll see canine, those are canine. They’re long, they’re pointed, and they’re meant to pierce, to kill.

So, we don’t have those. Dracula does. You remember Dracula, right? He has them, so for Dracula he’s okay, he can drink blood … You guys like blood?

When you eat meat, do you like it cooked?

Very well, right? You wanna boil away the blood, right? Just eat the muscle and what else, the nerve tissue, you like-

Anyway, so the saliva is alkaline, the cheeks and the lips … So, when we’re chewing, it doesn’t fall out.

Dog and cats don’t have lips, you know that, right? Did you ever try to kiss your dog?

Anyway, the intestines are eight to 12 times the length, eight to 12 times the length of the trunk. For example, my torso may be one meter. The digestive tract is 10 meters. We don’t make uric acid. And we sweat, we don’t pant.

And we have hands and fingers. We can’t kill, you can’t kill, it’s hard to kill. You can kill small animals. You could probably pick up a rabbit and choke it and then eat it. Do you like to eat the rabbit?

Just rip it open and eat important? Well, see, that’s a carnivore. These hands were made for pulling, plucking, peeling, planting, not killing. In fact, if we want to kill, we have to get a weapon, a tool. We have to make something to kill. We’re not designed to kill.

When they talk about omnivores, an omnivore is an animal that eats anything, right? Well, all omnivores must be able to kill, because if there’s not enough plants around they need to be able to kill. And therefore, all omnivores have a snout.

So, a dog is really an omnivore, a cat is a carnivore because a cat must kill and eat the animal alive. The dog, they would rather somebody else kill it and they like to eat the corpse. They prefer corpse. Everybody here prefer corpse? You like corpse, right?

Better than animal alive, right? You like to eat dead lambs, right, dead sheep?

So, anyway, the carnivore, the cats, they kill the animal, they break the act, and when the animal’s dead, then they eat it. They eat the inside first. They eat the liver and the heart and they eat the uterus, the ovaries, the testicles. Sounds good? The lungs, kidneys. They drink the blood. They chew on the eyeballs, the eyeballs are really good. You can suck out the eye, if you have a long tongue you suck, you pull the eyeball out and you can eat it.

Now, if they’re full and they walk away, what they save for the vulture, you know the vulture, is what we call steak. The scavenger, this is the one, this is the one, the dogs …

A bear is an omnivore. A bear is big and strong, but they have a snout. 90% of their diet is plant. They love berries, they love honey. But if they have to kill, they can.

Now, the problem is they have, you know, if there’s a dead animal on the ground the dog will smell it, and the dog will smell it and by the smell will know if he can eat it. If the animal is dead for more than 48 hours, 72 hours, they won’t eat it, ’cause know they know it’s food for bacteria and insects.

But we don’t know that ’cause we’re stupid, we’re really stupid. So, we kill the animal and it gets stiff. It’s called rigor mortis. If you try to eat it, you break your teeth. So, we hang it up and we let it decay. We let it decay for 96 hours and now it’s soft enough to chew. So, we cut out the puss, we cut out the maggots, and then we can eat it. We still don’t wanna eat it, so then we cook it.

So, we not only, we don’t eat the food of the carnivore, we don’t even eat the food of the scavenger. We eat the food of the maggot.

By the way, we don’t say that we decay it. When you’re in a restaurant the guy doesn’t come up to you and say, “This was decayed for two months, we’ve been decaying … ” No. He says aged, aged, it’s aged beef.

Well, when I was learning English, I learned that things that are alive can age, like a baby ages and becomes a child, the child ages and becomes an adult. But if it’s dead, it can’t age. It decays.

Why do we say aged? Because we instinctively would never eat a decayed corpse. And we don’t even call it that. Do you say to your family, “Would you like some dead pig and chicken embryos for breakfast?” No, we say, “Would you like some bacon and eggs? Would you like some … ” Right? We say it like that.

So, we change the name, we call it beef. What’s a beef? Did you ever see a beef walking around? What do they look like, beefs? How about nuggets? I’ve never seen nuggets walking around. Have you seen a nugget? Sausages? Veal? Veal is a cute little name for a tortured baby animal. So, we don’t wanna say the truth.

It’s just like, does anybody have health insurance? No. You have disease insurance. If you’re healthy, they don’t give you anything. How about life insurance? It’s death insurance, it’s not life insurance. If you’re alive, you don’t get it until you die? Why do we do this? Because humans have to justify everything they do. So, we lie to ourselves, we lie to each other.

Now, if you took a rabbit and an apple and you put it next to a baby, a two-year-old, a one-year-old, he’ll eat the apple and play with the rabbit. If you put the rabbit and an apple in the cage with a baby tiger, they’ll eat the rabbit and play with the apple.

So, instinctual, before, everybody’s young, you have to force your child to eat dead animals. They would not naturally eat dead … If you have a turtle, a rabbit, chicken, a cow, and you have a banana, fruit, what would a human normally eat? Are they gonna eat the animal? No. You have to teach it.

Have you ever gone driving in the country and you see all the grass, beautiful, and you see a cow walking and eating, right?

Right? Or you’re walking home and there’s a dead animal, what do you do? Do you go, “Great, I don’t have to go shopping now”?

We wanna give you the skills here, so you can learn how to prepare. One of them would be to go shopping? How do you pick a ripe piece of fruit? How do you pick a ripe tomato? Do you buy tomatoes that are still not ripe so that they can sit at home and get ripe at home? No? Cause a lot of people do that.

When you eat food, the important things are organic, fresh, and ripe. The problem is when they picked the banana, they picked it green. They picked it green because they had to get it to you. So, really, it wasn’t picked at the right time. The best banana is the banana that you pick right off the tree and eat. We can’t eat that way, so we have to …

The reason I tell you this is just so you can try to do it as, you can try to get as close as possible to eating the right way.

So, anyway, the good news is you will have a brand-new body in a year from now. So, take control of what that’s going to be. And the other thing that we’ll talk about, that’s very important, is your mind, your state of mind, your stress and all that sort of thing, because that impacts.

You can be eating the best food in the world and cleaning your colon out, and you can be in a relationship with somebody that is toxic, and it’ll all get wiped out. And you can come to a center like this and you can get well, and you go back home and you’ll be right back where you started.

So, again, the ability to deal with stress and to have good relationships, healthy relationships and things like that, very, very important.

And so, if you have those three things, we change your database, we give you skills, how to shop, how to prepare healthy foods, and we give you the experience, and then you’re here long enough to get some habits about going to sleep, then you go back, then you have a chance.

Also, you need to come with a spouse or a family member, because if you go back and you’re the only one that changed and you go back to a family who looks at you like you’re crazy, it won’t last. I always say bring your spouse and your mother and everybody, the more people the better.

[spoonielivingfree]

  Ask me now if I’d do it all again and I’d say yes! I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Recently I’ve returned from a summer school to Colombia with my university. This involved a LOT of firsts. Flying alone for the first time, flying long haul for the first time, first time on a plane since developing ME as well as first time on a plane since I had a cyst rupture on my right ovary in an airport at 14. (Yes that experience traumatised me a little).

Now of course this wasn’t all smooth sailing. It didn’t even start as smooth sailing considering I woke up with a paralysed arm on the day I flew out and had to sit down to get dressed it’s some minor miracle I made it at all and without use of wheelchair assistance at the airports because I am far too stubborn for my own good.

The flight itself was better than expected. I thought I would get bored, considering the first plane was a 9 hour flight and the second one 3 hours. The reality was so much stress and adrenaline went into getting these flights that I spent much of that time dozing. Although I did manage to get the reading for our first lecture done (Only reading I did all trip) and watch Love Simon. So boredom wasn’t an issue. Pain on the other hand was. I was getting severe endometriosis related pain in my lower left back as well as severe pain in my lower left leg. And if that wasn’t enough my left collar bone decided it would be fun to act up. As our first flight was delayed by an hour it meant we had barely enough time to get to our connecting flight, this meant a hurried walk through the airport praying we’d make the plane on time and trying to keep our stress to a minimum. This was where fatigue was an issue – as my heart had been above 100 all day due to possible POTS and a confirmed diagnosis of CFS I was really struggling once I got off my first flight, despite spending a large portion of it dozing. I was honest about this, which was a step up from usual however persisted in the fast walking despite every inch of my body was screaming against it. I was fighting to keep my legs moving, I was lightheaded and started getting severe chest pain but I didn’t want to cause the rest of the group to miss the flight because I was slowing them down.

Fortunately we made it to Bogota, Columbia on our scheduled flights and made it to our accommodation. After having a shower, I went straight to bed.

Lesson 1: Get the wheelchair assistance – it will make the journey more comfortable and less stressful if you have tight connections which leave you sprinting across the airport. It would also be good for reducing payback and allowing you to get more out of your trip!

Fast-forward to 7 hours later, I woke up the next day feeling nauseous and feverish and genuinely thought I’d caught something off the plane. Go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and realise I have an autoimmune rash. (Which is always slightly terrifying as someone with no known autoimmune condition.) But obviously being me, I couldn’t say I needed the day to rest. I get restless being stuck in a room unless I am legitimately dead, especially in an unfamiliar environment. So I went out with everyone, had breakfast and a few of us walked around the city for a few hours. Which obviously was great for my pain. Again, when I was asked, I was honest and said I was getting a lot of pain but also being me, said I would be fine unless everyone else wanted to go back. We headed back, and I was told to rest, moaned a little, and then actually crashed for 5 hours upon getting back to my room. Went out for dinner feeling refreshed although was fading again towards the end and that was that.

Lesson 2: Take the first full day to rest! Don’t do what I did and walk over 10,000 steps when you never do that at home due to the pain and fatigue it causes. You will pay for it later on and you don’t want that.

So then we have our second day. Which was the first day of timetabled activities so obviously perfectionistic side of Hannah kicked in. There was no way I could miss that and in my mind I had to do everything. (Which obviously wasn’t true, throughout this entire trip it has been made expressly clear multiple times a day that everyone else would be okay with me resting if I needed to.) But Hannah is Hannah, and although I’d had very minimal sleep due to being in pain (Yay ovarian cyst ruptures and all the walking being hard on my legs) I made it my mission to manage the full day despite not feeling atall well. It wasn’t like I was in a crash or anything.

Lesson 3: REST! Listen to your body. If you had a cyst rupture on your ovary or whatever is causing you to feel bad let your body have at the very least a morning to recover. (Normally give myself atleast a day when I’m not away)

I made it through the day, and even participated in a salsa lesson which I was very much told off for in a “well done but please don’t push yourself too far” way. It was fair to say that once the day was over and we got into the taxi I was well and truly done for. My endometriosis pain was really acting up in a contraction like pain way and once I got back to my room I managed to dislocate my shoulder by writhing in pain. (My pesky shoulders will feature a lot in this post).

And so, from 6pm to 6am, only getting out of bed to take a shower our third day starts. Apparently, I still had a lot of endometriosis pain, which is always fun because max strength prescription co-codomal combined with an overdose of ibuprofen won’t touch that. But we persist, despite being told resting was okay if that’s what I wanted to do. I stayed off of the coffee bcause I think it was coffee that really did me in the day prior. So we stuck with a green juice which did wonders for my endo pain. The juice in Columbia is all freshly made so it’s incredible!

So you would think, endometriosis pain solved, I would manage the whole day. Well you and I were both wrong. Which was sad as the rest of the group were going up Monseratte which I really wanted to do. But my body had other plans. I was feeling lightheaded, shaky and my heart was doing weird things. I would have tried to power through it if it wasn’t for my brain completely going to the point where I didn’t even feel present in the room we were in. I knew I was having some sort of crash. If I have POTS it can be put down with that as on this occasion I lacked the extreme muscle weakness that tends to come with ME/CFS. So I didn’t even make it until lunch, but after forcing down various forms of electrolyte drinks/powders and eating salty snacks I was back in full force by the next day. (Well as much full force as is possible for me)

Lesson 4: If you have POTS or just have similar issues as a result of another illness keep salty snacks and electrolytes on you because sometimes they do actually help and it will save you from having to get other people to go down to the shop for you when your too unwell to do so yourself.

So it is now our 4th day! And we managed! Maybe we pushed too much considering nausea, and severe pain but at the end of the day, I would rather push myself a little too much than not quite enough. I had to sit down on the pavement whilst waiting for the taxi has my heart rate went crazy high and I knew at this point I had to make it through the rest of the day. In the afternoon we went to a botanical gardens which meant lots of standing and walking on some severely painful legs, which I managed but god knows how. Especially considering I had been told if I needed to sit down I could. (Clearly being given the option to rest doesn’t make me weak and pathetic)

Lesson 5: If your honest about how your feeling you may be surprised by how people try to help/accommodate you.

Now day 5 is what I would call the start of the major crash. (This was definitely ME/CFS) I woke up feeling okay. (Well in my book). But at around 10am It just hit me like a ton of bricks and although I managed to stay for the rest of the lecture and went back at lunch I knew when I was standing in the lift on the way back up to my room that I had really gone and done it. For those of you who don’t have ME, a bad crash is so bad that you can barley lift up a bottle of water and lift up your head to drink said water. It’s having to crawl to get to the loo because you can’t stand up for long enough. Not fun. But idiot here did things the next afternoon/evening as she was getting to the bored and restless stage of the crash.

Lesson 6: If you have a bad CFS crash don’t rush back into trying to keep up with your able bodied counterparts.

So I spent the weekend and the Monday stuck in bed, barley conscious, barley able to eat or drink due to severe head and face pain as well as muscle weakness and barley able to get myself from my bed to my bathroom.

But I to some extent recovered and was back to managing a full day of things the next day. Although I did collapse in the toilets after lunch. Fortunately I was able to get back up and pretend nothing had happened but it was still slightly terrifying.

Lesson 7: If you collapse/pass out/fall bring your phone with you EVERYWHERE. I was lucky I could get myself up that time but if I couldn’t I would have had to wait for someone to find me because I left my phone in the classroom.

And so Wednesday came, with more endometriosis pain (Think my uterus is slightly jealous that CFS has been getting all the attention.) Again I only managed a half day, but felt dreadful with CFS less than half way through the morning, however it was so much fun that I had to stay. Now obviously I then spent the rest of the day, in bed, in the dark feeling super nauseous, unable to see, with a really bad migraine. But it was worth it!

Lesson 8: sometimes you need to have fun! Even if physically you feel dreadful!

With a lack of better judgement and despite being told to rest I managed to make it through Thursday. This was out second to last day in such a beautiful country and by this point I just needed to have fun and make the most of it rather than look after my health. I slept in all 3 of the hour long taxi journeys that day, and my right ovary started acting up a little more than it had been in the 2 days prior but I managed and it was definitely worth it for the post it notes in the 3M goodie bag. (I’m such a stationary whore) After going back and starting packing, which meant enduring more bad right ovary pain and a subluxed shoulder I even managed to go out and look at some pretty lights for around an hour before crashing in bed till the next morning.

Lesson 9: We’re going to reinforce that sometimes you’ve just gotta have fun message!

So obviously felt awful come our final full day. Endometriosis was definitely jealous at this point seeing as I woke up, unable to move, crying from pain and nausea. Even had to send a message to say I might not be able to make it down because Endo was that jealous. But being me I did and somehow made it through the morning despite being very bitchy and absent as my entire body was hurting so much. There were times when I was asked if I was okay and all I could do was nod or whimper because endometriosis really knows how to get the better of me. Submitted to being taken back to the accommodation just before lunch, was not feeling remotely well enough to endure pain and people for any longer by this point. Layed down, which helped ease my endometriosis pain although nothing else and basically napped for a good 5 hours before going down for our final dinner together.

Lesson 10: Sometimes pain gets the better of us all. Superwoman or not. Giving in does not make you weak. Giving in means your listening to your body, accepting your reality and that requires an incredible amount of strength.

And here we come to our flight home. Which was obviously not smooth sailing because severe pain, endometriosis was definitely threatening a major flare up and still is and it became my mission to make all my flights on time so I could get home before the stabbing vaginal and rectal pains and the burning stabbing bladder pains and all the rest of the taboo joy that comes with endometriosis. It was about the point that I had to stop myself from crying/screaming in pain in the plane toilets over peeing that I realised that this is going to happen at some point. And I did. I made all my planes, dozed for most of it bcause fatigue, had to run more than I’ve ran in atleast a year to make my last flight as due to a delay I had less than an hour to make the connection. But I managed and I’m now home safe and sound. Can’t tolerate having my curtains open and sleeping more than I’m not but happy with how my body is dealing with this because it could be a lot worse!

Lesson 11: Avengers: Infinity war is incredible for pain distraction! Especially if you like fangirling. (couldn’t follow it because brain fog but enjoyed the fangirling.)

Lesson 12: Going to reinforce the wheelchair assistance thing so you don’t have to fight your body to run up escalators when you find walking up steps difficult enough.

Travelling with a chronic illness 2.0 Ask me now if I'd do it all again and I'd say yes! I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

#cfs #CFS/ME #Chronic fatigue syndrome #chronic illness #Chronic pain #endometriosis #ME/CFS #Myalgic encephelopmylitis #spoonie