#and maybe I shouldn’t leave

[def-not-kaz-brekker]

Not so fun fact about me, if I’m having a conversation with one person and another joins in, the two people usually start talking together and I can leave. I don’t think anyones ever noticed

#like I’ll be having a small convo #random friend of other person who might also be my friend comes along #says hi to both of us #starts talking #original person also talks #and neither listens to me when I talk #and I can just leave and they practically never notice #I’m the wraith #invisible #I actually really hate this #just so awesome to never be anyones favorite person #maybe I’m a bit bitter #and maybe I shouldn’t leave #but I just feel awkward standing there without saying anything #and I deserve to feel a little bitter about this i think #btw this is not just like with two people practically everyone I know won’t notice if I just leave #lonely #it’s ok tho I don’t need to be their favorite person #I just need to be there when they need me #I can manage on my own I have one friend for sure who never ignores me #and I’ve never left a convo with him in it! #well kinda once I said bye and he didn’t say it back and I left but then k waved at him through a window and he saw me

[solarpunkani]

Hot 4am take but I feel like if we want to get people more interested in making their yards a more habitable space for wildlife like insects, we have to acknowledge that ‘Don’t want bugs in your house’ is still a 100% fair and valid point of view. ‘Loves nature’ and ‘doesn’t want roaches spiders and mosquitoes in the house’ aren’t opposites.

And with that in mind, when we propose to people that spraying pesticides around houses is Not A Good Idea, Actually, I feel like we need to give an alternative asides from ‘deal with it.’

#solarpunk #anti pesticides #ani rambles #this is coming from personal opinion at 4am keep that in mind but like #I’m scared of roaches. i’m fine with them outside though #my parents dont like roaches and for good reason. they spray Ortho Home Defense along the veeery edge of the concrete by the doors to #keep roaches and shit from coming in because yknow. Florida. #if I tell them ‘hey actually we shouldn’t spray pesticides inside (ie raid spray) or outside (ie home defense) #theyre gonna ask wtf to do instead to prevent roaches #and if I tell them ‘nothing suck it up buttercup’ they’re gonna laugh and then double down on the sprays #we gotta have an alternative ready and honestly maybe I’m not looking in the right places but I genuinely don’t know of any #like one online friend told me leaving brush piles around the yard decreased the amount of bugs trying to come in but like #thats one person. anecdotal. and I haven’t seen anything online confirming that as a thing (yet) #idk man I’m going to bed. #might delete later #house pest saga

[shepscapades]

Hey! i’m really into the dbch story and i was wondering if doc and xisuma ever tell bdubs the specifics of why etho lost his memories, cause if they do that is prime self blaming angst for bdubs

I’m inclined to believe they don’t. Actually (and maybe I should do a small comic for this so more people see it) I imagine, once a month or a few pass and they finally return etho to bdubs as reset, I imagine they are VERY serious about warning bdubs not to try to force Etho to re-deviate— they don’t go into specifics, but they probably tell bdubs that whatever happened had to do with something that was emotionally overwhelming, and that forcing him to redeviate/not letting it happen naturally could trigger the same error. They have no idea what could happen so bdubs needs to be very careful and let Etho find himself again on his own.

Whether or not bdubs gets impatient or can only go so long before he doubts it would be that bad if he tried pushing Etho in the right direction is another story.

But yeah. I don’t think Xisuma or Doc really… tell anyone that this happened. Etho’s error seemed like a very specific one-off scenario, so it’s not something the other hermits should be trying to avoid or be careful about happening to their own android friends, and the only thing telling people would do is make them worried about the situation. All they need to know is that etho was broken and that they need to be careful with him. I don’t agree with their decision to keep what happened to themselves but I understand it I think. Xisuma “i don’t want to worry the hermits” Void and Docm “eh this isn’t the first time I’ve replaced this arm, people won’t question it” 77

#that’s a lie actually I think xisuma ends up telling Cleo :> #but only because Cleo is very smart and I think they should be close in this au :] #but no she would clock Tired Overworked Existential Crisis Xisuma in an instant #Cleo calls them both idiots and gives them big hugs and tells them they need therapy. also that they’re welcome by her place anytime to talk #it’s very sweet and healing to me #this is where “all things end’’ on Xisuma’s playlist comes in actually #oh my god I got so off topic #BDUBS IS GOING TO FEEL GUILTY NO MATTER WHAT THOUGH #like okay. technically #the reason etho shut down is because he was freaking out that everything was his fault #(last life—not giving bdubs a heart— trying to win for bdubs and then losing— coming back to s8 feeling like he can’t face bdubs—> #ending up leaving him alone when the moon hit #and bdubs was hurt by these things. no doubt #but bdubs just wants his friend back and maybe he’s a little reckless about it #bdubs hides his emotions behind cartoonish frustration and complaining but he feels bad #he feels like he should be doing more to ‘save’ etho and bring him back even though he was to #told* he shouldn’t #dbhc ask #dbhc #dbhc bdubs #dbhc etho #dbhc doc #dbhc xisuma #ask #anon

[flowercrowngods]

always so funky to be reminded that your parents might love you but they don’t actually like you very much

#wasn’t i supposed to leave that feeling behind with puberty? #anyway mama decided i have no christmas wish #the sad little guy who can’t get nice things for themself also doesn’t get to ask for them now during the ‘ask for things’ time of the year #it’s not about christmas it’s not about material things it’s about looking me in the glassy eyes and asserting ‘you have no wish’ #when wishing is all i ever do you just never create a space safe enough for me to voice them #blah #not st #i’m so so sorry that whining is all i ever do anymore and i shouldn’t be so sad about this over and over again #i’m just. so small. tiny. and insignificant. i might not have been there all day and 99% of the conversations would have happened the same #i wanna stop feeling this way but i think in order to stop feeling this way i need to stop wanting to be loved and seen and listened to #by my mom. and i don’t think it’s entirely human or possible to stop wanting that. so oh well #i don’t know if i give them reason to like me. maybe i don’t. this might all be on me actually. #if she knew i’m crying about this she’d roll her eyes and say ‘you know how i am. sorry you misunderstood me’ #why do the blows keep coming? when’s it my turn to rest?

[luckydinosauur101]

I wanted to help my mom out at work today and if I go to sleep now I can get exactly 59 minutes of sleep let’s go

#oops. #I’m not tired. #I wanna draw actually #maybe I shouldn’t though #make that 57 minutes #I have a doctors appointment tomorrow #and it’ll be far away from where she works #she leaves rather late most times.. #perhaps not this time #56 minutes #shutuplucky

[lesbiansanemi]

I know people have always been weird with fic updates but I swear recently people have been even more impatient and weird about it. I get comments on fics that have been updated WITHIN A MONTH asking if it’s been abandoned or when it’s going to continue. Like…. My guy…. Idk where you’re from that fics are apparently getting updated like fucking daily but you need to chill

#like generally if a fic has been updated within a year at ALL I don’t assume it’s abandoned??? #and even if I did I’m not gonna ASK the author? #I’ll just happily read what’s there and enjoy it? #also like. it’s annoying when ppl leave comments like that on an older fic that really hasn’t been updated in a hot minute #but when it’s on aforementioned stuff that’s just happened to have gone a month or two without an update #idk. something about it is kinda disheartening #like if I don’t update things AT LEAST weekly ppl will lose all interest and my audience will be gone #because there’s no patience or grace for the writer #idk. it’s just. #maybe we shouldn’t assume something is ‘abandoned’ just cuz it hasn’t updated as quickly as you’d like #maybe we shouldn’t assume that at all but even if we do don’t fucking comment phrasing it like that?????? #idk even if that’s not how ppl mean it it feels kinda rude and VERY passive aggressive #it’s just something I’ve noticed in uptick in recently and it kinda makes me :/ #kaz rambles

[salted-caramel-tea]

.

#its almost too peaceful like i’m expecting an oncoming drnti attack at any minute and i shouldn’t be bc there’s nothing controversial #happening but like . we never have a big event happen without ppl starting hate campaigns it just feels like . like i feel it’s going to #happen . maybe i’m just traumatised from every other time and they’ll leave the drep alone #i hope so . but i feel a looming sense of dread just bc they’re not usually this quiet

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

When British writers come up with an American character’s dialogue and give them the most painfully British things to say with their American accent and inflection and it makes the actor come off as stiff. :P

#The Oxford Murders (2008) #I mean it was a very well-done movie visually (that flowy choreographed camera work in the beginning WOW) #The plot was apparently hard to follow and it’s not just my lack of spoken dialogue comprehension and attention working against me #I always have to check reviews to make sure I’m not the only person having a hard time following a story #because I’ve been trained through life not to trust my own mind due to its faultiness… #Anyway: When Seldom said something like “…only mathematics can be proven. Basic statements like two plus two equals four #are the only things sure in this world” I— 💀 HELP no no no… one of the previous characters you played #would like to kiss this new character of yours on the mouth for what he just said— ashsisksnsksjjsjdjdmsksk #That is until you elaborated on it and then basically took the side of his persecutor… THAT sucked #And I know my speech right now does not come off as naturally as it once did (or is it) I have no idea #if this is my real voice or the absorption’s afterglow causing me to speak in such an uptight manner #but I don’t mind it #but I do mind it #because no matter what combination of words I use it doesn’t sound or feel as if I am the one speaking — I stitch together what I hear #or have I only been conditioned to think the way I speak isn’t natural because nobody in my immediate life speaks like this #Who says stitching together words into a gigantic quilt isn’t natural for me? #But that still leaves me with no soul. I’m Pete the Parrot. Or Bumblebee. #Maybe I shouldn’t speak or write; maybe I need to master visual telepathy #or a language comprised entirely of touch and eye movement #I always feel the need to create languages so I can express myself without falling into cliches and dialects #I want to be free of stereotypes #I’m tired of speaking this language… EXHAUSTED #I speak in predictable patterns and when I think I’m not using a pattern by being unpredictable; the unpredictability becomes a trend

[diseasedrat2000]

hi just a quick little friendly note: i have no problem with you not loving me, that’s ok, i get it, but hearing you say it and phrase it like that feels so so crushing and so awful, your feelings are your feelings but if they could not be expressed to me in that way that would be great. it’s totally ok for you not to love me but to hear you say it flat out like that is crushing. i like you lots, you’re not an idiot so you know how i feel about you but i can’t hear you say i don’t love you again, please. and i’m not trying to force you to say anything either way because that’s not who i am/want to be as a person, but when you ‘slip up’ like that, please please don’t say oop i don’t love you, just be like oh sorry, i like you lots,

is the message i’ve had to send to my partner tonight because when we were on a call (only a short one) he accidentally said i love you just as we were saying goodbye but then was like ‘oh sorry i don’t love you i mean i like you lots, just goes to show how easy it is to say that to you’ and i kinda had to be like yeah i like you too goodnight because it was my bedtime but like boy, BOY, don’t do that to me, please!! this is the fourth time it’s happened, my sister asked him if he loved me a couple weeks ago and he was like no i don’t but i like them (me) very much and i was like haha same but inside a bit of me died because it’s just not what anyone wants to hear. his hang ups about the word are his and i respect that, i haven’t said it either even though ive felt it since november, but i can’t keep hearing him actively say he doesn’t love me, even if he follows it with i like you lots. has anyone else experienced this? am i being unreasonable? please please tell me if i am, im autistic so i don’t know what a ‘normal’ relationship should look like and yeah

#queer #gay #help #rant post #sorry for the rant #advice welcome #please someone anyone if you get this just let me know somehow even if it’s just a like or empty reblog please i need to know i’m not alone #literally begging him to just be ok with me saying this #like am i being unreasonable here? cos it fucking crushes me and maybe i shouldn’t let it #maybe i shouldn’t be so invested in relationship when he clearly doesn’t feel the same (as much as he says yet) #but i also can’t not feel my feelings #can’t turn those bitches off #as hard as it is i don’t want to leave him #i would if it became truly detrimental to us though #but like bro pls

[eatyourdamnpears]

“elevated ANA levels are usually markers for an autoimmune health condition!”

well, not when the rheumatologist you see is completely invalidating about it and your rheumatology blood panel comes back negative for anything!

#I can accept that maybe I don’t have a disorder like lupus or ra that they were testing for but like #the fact that out the gate he was just like ‘‘yeah some people just have naturally elevated ANA levels it’s usually nothing’’ #like SIR???? #I’m sitting in your office because I’ve had elevated ANA levels for over a year now and I cannot function in society due to my health issues #it probably IS something #I don’t know I wanna see if I can see another rheumatologist about it but what would even be the point? #no one wants to see me anyways because of my chronic Lyme diagnosis it took FOREVER for this guy to just see me #it’s at a point where when my doctor needs to refer me to places she leaves that off whatever she sends to them because otherwise #they won’t see me #like the only reason I haven’t seen a neurologist yet is because the ones I get referred to all refuse to see me #they can’t outright SAY that #but I remember my mom constantly checking to see about the referral and the receptionist basically said it in a way so it wouldn’t be #like grounds to sue for discrimination or whatever #even my mom tells me in appointments like this that I shouldn’t bring the Lyme up unless absolutely necessary #and every time it does come up the vibe instantly changes #like I don’t get it??? why do doctors hate me??? #anyways yeah and I don’t know if it’d be a waste of time to see another rheumatologist because of the results I’ve already gotten #but I also can’t find them anywhere in the MyHealth app when I swear to god I had access to them before so?? #I don’t know. I’m sorry I’m complaining. I just remember the time my doctor first brought it up to me and how excited I was #to finally have a lead on what could be happening inside my body and how to treat it #and then I get crushed when I realize that it doesn’t mean shit to anyone #I’m just having a hard night tonight #and no one wants to see Ethel Cain with me either and I’m just sad about that #and my depression is all fucky lately #everything is so big and loud and overwhelming and I’m so tired of it #vent tw

[sp00kysk3lly]

I was born to fail.

I could have had support throughout my childhood, if CERTAIN people had seen my autism, or CERTAIN GP’s listened to my therapists and the nursery workers who sent her proof of my autism!

I probably would have stayed in ONE school, got my GCSE’s because I’d have had the SUPPORT to cope with my BULLYING, I’d have had the support I needed to move on from that.

I might have even had a job.

But I was always set up to FAIL! By doctors, by teachers. By everyone!

I wouldn’t be stuck with C grades. Yeah, I passed. But I could have had As and Bs! But because I had to keep moving around due to getting kicked out of school, so now I’m stuck with barely a pass. I should have got an A or B grade in English! Especially English! But because of stupid bullying and NO SUPPORT from ANYBODY I passed by the skin of my teeth.

I was born to fucking fail at life.

I wish I was ABORTED or she had a MISCARRIAGE!

I’d never wish a miscarriage on anyone. But least she’d get over it eventually, nothing is worth this pain. Not a single thing!

I just want to cry. I know the truth now. I am a FAILURE. I was born to fail. I was meant to fail. God doesn’t love me. God doesn’t want me to survive.

Maybe, I should just find a way out of this world.

Nothing is worth the tears or pain anymore.

#mental health #mental health awareness #all alone #no one wants me #fake friends #no one likes me #blog #fake people #I was born to fail #born to suffer #failure #can’t carry this anymore #maybe I should leave #I shouldn’t exist #should have never been born #should have been an abortion #should have been a miscarriage #why am I still breathing #why am i still here #don’t want to be alive #don’t want to be here anymore #suicide #self harm #crying my eyes out #can’t do this #everyone failed me #everyone knew I was a failure #meant to fail #god doesn’t love me #god wants me dead

[madigoround]

You know when you make a mistake and you’re like oh that one’s going to come back to bite me later for sure but it’s already done oopsie daisies

#there’s a new security guard at work like an older man probably 60 and when I was leaving he called me pretty and I was like oh that’s nice #of you and then he was like are you married and I was laughing cause like what am I a child bride and said no #and be said are you single and at this point I was like oh maybe he has a kid he wants to set me up with or something #but then he was like I’m single never married no kids when you gonna go out with me and I was joking like I don’t know hit me up #and then he was like how give me your number give me your number and bout to follow me out the building and I was laughing like cause I was #uncomfy but I didn’t know what else to do cause I was already in too deep and he was like I’m gonna call you tonight and I was like okay #and like honestly it would have been pretty funny to me had he not kept asking for my number like if it had just been banter but now I’m #like oh I’m definitely not interested in this old man but if I don’t answer his calls he could bring it up the next time I see him at work/ #in the building so oopsie maybe I shouldn’t have laughed or something hate that for me #if someone vaguely my age could hit on me that would be lovely tho

[chibishortdeath]

So much happening in the world and in my personal life at once and I am completely unable to do anything about any of it. I am completely exhausted. I need to move out, but I can’t.

I’ve been stuck with a headache for a few months.

#text post #vent post #tw vent #cw vent #I’d say delete later but I don’t ever actually do that anyway #maybe I should go through vents and delete them Al #tbh I’m starting to realize that maybe never being allowed to do anything and never being taught how to do anything as a kid was neglect #it probably also wasn’t normal that I tried to be the ‘easy kid’ and avoid any perceived trouble as much as physically possible #I usually just sit in the furthest part of the house dissociate and try to immediately appear fine if anyone walks in and sees me #idk maybe I should just make that super self indulgent Simon’s Quest comic since it’ll probably be practically vent art anyway #he’s a little bit too relatable for comfort #and man I didn’t even fight Dracula to end up messed up how lame smh 😔 #I feel like I would just end up feeling guilty that I’m not doing something else more important though #most of the things I can do right now I can’t without guilt that stops me somewhere through #and that includes trying to rest haha yippie :/ #I can’t even draw the blorbo dead about it like it’s past that level of bad #I guess I shouldn’t even suggest doing anything I can’t do too #I don’t even wanna look at my instagram rn I can’t fix any of that either #idk if I should go into any details or not but I literally just can’t change anything #and I know I can’t get better unless I leave but I can’t leave and there’s nowhere to go #even places online are starting to become uninhabitable #we truly live in a time :/ #I’m just typing anything I think of as I think of it #tldr ​I am a terrible person who can’t get better because I’m stuck in a terrible situation and everything sucks basically #i’m exhausted #i feel so trapped #it feels like I have no autonomy or effect on the world at all #ugh I’m not explaining anything correctly enough anyway #I guess supper is almost ready and I should stop ranting at nothing #I’m basically just here to try to make it to 29 at least for the silly Simon game reference haha that is so pathetic

[laomelettedufromage]

“It is cool how WCS becoming more and more popular. One day it will be like ChatGPT - everybody would use it.”

Direct quote from a longer message a man easily twice my age sent me after I kept turning him down for dances because he made me very uncomfortable

#he also said if I decided to get a masters or PhD in biomed #I could add superpowers to humans on top of what ELON MUSK is trying to do #I really wish I could post all four screenshots of the messages #honestly this guy makes me deeply uncomfortable and the situation is still fresh #so I probably shouldn’t be laughing at it too soon #but it’s either laugh and share it or continue to be horrified👍 #he did kinda start leaving me alone of his own volition #so hopefully he stays leaving me alone #or I will have to take it to the wcs community leaders here because that shit ain’t gonna fly with me #and all the friends I’ve made here know about him #the worst of the messages is definitely the ‘thank you for the dances; I am sorry I pushed for too many; I just really liked your smile #so it was hard to resist - but I promise to behave’🤢 #also this was only after I had interacted with this man face to face maybe two times #GROSS #but anyways guys yeah west coast swing is gonna be just like ChatGPT #west coast swing #wcs #by yours truly the omelette of cheese

[bucksangel]

i absolutely love how you can say one thing, someone gets mad, and then they lie to everyone about what you said and their friends attacks you without knowing the whole story. it makes for a very enjoyable internet experience 🥰

#like it’s so just. ugh #everyone needs to leave everyone alone #this is abt when i was in the 1d fandom btw #it was years ago and i told someone who i didn’t know was jewish that maybe palestinians shouldn’t be massacred #and they went and told their friends that i called them a ‘filthy jew’ #and they started sending death threats and called me a ‘jew hater’ #what’s funny is that one of their friends sent me an anon #telling me to not take it too seriously bc the main girl i spoke to #was a convert who didn’t actually do all the homework #like she kind of speed-ran through it #anyway #𓆩♡𓆪 angel's thoughts 𓆩♡𓆪

[mountmasns]

Mason Mount stans need to learn boundaries and their place

#mason mount #some of you are honestly so creepy #u don’t need to know every single detail about his private life #when u are obsessing so hard over the person and do this level of stalking maybe it should be you sing to back off #get off tumblr and touch a grass #you are not entitled to any details about him that he doesn’t share with you guys #not only u don’t respect his boundaries u also don’t respect our boundaries as well #when I tell I don’t care or I don’t want to talk about every single girl he follows you still bombard my and my friends inboxes with nonse #you are young adults #he doesn’t know u exist and have No chance of dating him #girls accosiatef with him shouldn’t bother you that much #enough is enough #dl #if this triggers you then Yah probably it apples to u #l am so close to leaving this fandom