#and in that time i've lost the only good things that have made it bearable and like straight up .. entirely my fault

[olliecoded]

does this ever get easier

#after 2017 i was like wow that was the worst year of my life. and then after 2018 i was like wow that was the worst year of my life. and th #like ... it just keeps going? none of this is getting better and in fact it's actively getting worse??? #it has been SEVEN years and nothing has ever felt better and i've been feeling this way for 7 years. #i don't know if i can handle another 7 years of being like this #and in that time i've lost the only good things that have made it bearable and like straight up .. entirely my fault #but also i figured deep suicidal suffocating shame was meant to be like something that slowly improves #and it doesn't? it isn't? it's actively getting worse all the time forever ??? #uhmmm. what the hell. ! #hello world #irl don't look

[celiciaa]

GILBERT VON OBSIDIAN EVENT STORY....

PREMIUM.

I just love you.

translations are not 100% accurate. expect mistakes.

special thanks to @otomehoneyybearr for proofreading! ♡

minors and ageless blogs dni.

Gilbert: Good evening, little rabbit. I never expected you to come here so late at night.

Upon entering Gilbert’s room, a man wearing a robe with his face hidden was leaving in passing.

(I hope I haven't interrupted something.) 

However, Gilbert, who was sitting at his office desk, greeted me with a smile, and there didn't seem to be any deception in his appearance.

Gilbert: A night visit?

Emma: No, not quite!

Gilbert: Sharing a bed?

Emma: Not exactly…

Gilbert: Then, did you want to go back home?

Emma: …No. 

Gilbert: Hmm, then what is it?

Emma: It’s something else. 

The answer seemed unexpected, and his red eye widened in surprise.

Gilbert: ….Really? What did you come here for?

(After much thought and contemplation, I suddenly realized something.) 

(What I want to know now is not about myself.)

Emma: A surprise interview.

Gilbert: Huh?

Emma: I am here to request an interview with you, Gilbert.

Gilbert: ….

(I would like to know more about Gilbert.)

(….There’s a strange emotion swirling within me, seeking to understand its true nature, more than the desire to return to my hometown.) 

Gilbert froze in shock for a few seconds, and eventually lowered his gaze.

Gilbert: Ha….Haha.

Emma: I-I didn't mean to say anything that funny….

Gilbert: It's quite interesting. Even though you’ve lost your memories, you still think of others before yourself, huh….?

It was not an accusing tone but a gentle voice, full of compassion.

(….You’re a big villain, but because of that, I think it’s why I can't go back to the land of roses.)

Gilbert: Okay. I'll tell you everything you need to know about me.

Emma: Thank you!

Gilbert: Of course, but I expect something in return.

Emma: ….

Gilbert: Ahaha, I won’t do anything for free, after all, I’m a bad person.

Emma: What do you want?

Gilbert: Hmm, let’s see….

Gilbert taps his lips with his finger.

Gilbert: How about once per piece of information?

(….Is he suggesting a kiss in exchange?)

Without my memories, Gilbert, despite being my fiancé, is practically a stranger.

There's no way I would have no reservations about kissing a stranger.

(What's more, a member of Obsidian's royal family? There’s not just embarrassment, but also fear beyond shame.)

(However, if I give up now, I won't be able to learn anything about Gilbert….)

Emma: All right.

Gilbert: That was surprisingly quick decision, wasn’t it?

Emma: I just need to endure a bit to get what I want. There’s no need to hesitate… or at least I hope so..

(….Probably.)

Gilbert: "Endure", huh?...I see.

Gilbert: Since it seems bearable for you, shall I receive payment upfront for what you can endure?

Emma: Huh?

Gilbert: Don't worry, I don't lie.

Gilbert stood up, enveloping my field of vision in darkness.

Gilbert: Go on, hurry up.

(….)

━━FLASHBACK━━

Gilbert: Hehe, you're full of opening..

Emma: You villain! This is outrageous! That was my first kiss, you know!

Gilbert: Was it? But I did it once before.

Emma: That was part of your evil plan so it doesn’t count! 

Gilbert: So this one counts then. 

Emma: What— no! It was an accident!

Gilbert: Oh, was it? Then what’s the problem?

━━FLASHBACK ENDS━━

(What...what was that just now?)

(I've done this before…)

This time, my lips were tapped by his finger, snapping me back to reality..

(No... I have to overcome this predicament now.)

I made up my mind and held Gilbert’s cold cheeks between my hands——

Telling myself it’s just a momentary thing,

I swiftly kissed him, unsure if it was felt or not.

Gilbert: ….

Emma: I-I did, didn't I?

Gilbert: Yes, in the little rabbit’s world, that’s called a kiss.

Emma: Is that not right?

As I tried to play dumb and divert the conversation, Gilbert sealed my lips.

(!?)

Not only did he touch me, but he bit my lower lip, and my heartbeat suddenly accelerated.

Gilbert: Next time, do it properly, will you?

Emma: ….Under…stood….

(My face ..feels hot…)

Gilbert: So, what's the first question?

Despite resenting Gilbert, who was smiling so refreshingly as if nothing had happened, I composed myself.

Emma: First of all...what are your favorite and least favorite foods?

Gilbert: I don’t have a least favorite. We can’t afford such luxuries in Obsidian with chronic food shortages..

Gilbert: But, as for my favorite food…

——

(Wow...there’s so many ingredients!)

The kitchen I was led to was filled with a sweet aroma.

The source seems to be in the oven.

Gilbert: You often made the things I liked here, Little Rabbit.

Emma: Me…? 

(This aroma…)

━━FLASHBACK━━

Gilbert: You certainly have quite some nerve, offering me a gift and then trying to take it away again.

Emma: Does that mean you’ll accept it?

Gilbert: Of course. I was just starting to feel hungry.

━━FLASHBACK ENDS━━

Emma: …Cookies, right?

Gilbert: No, it’s not.

(Huh...I was feeling confident about that one.)

Gilbert: A ‘massive amount’ of cookies made by Little Rabbit working herself to exhaustion.

Emma: …..

(…So your stomach is a bottomless pit…)

(He seeks quantity over quality, so I can only make simple sweets.)

Gilbert: What's your next question? Oh, but first…

Gilbert, bending down in front of me, prompted me to steel myself and kiss him again.

This time, I pressed more firmly than the first,

Gilbert seemed satisfied, and there was no request for a redo.

Emma: Please tell me your favorite place.

Gilbert: …Right, in that case——

——

(The stars are beautiful….!)

In a spacious area at the back of the castle, covered entirely with glass, we were enveloped by the beautifully gentle start.

Standing in the center, where the Obsidian crest was engraved, I gaze up at the sky.

Emma: This is an understandable choice of place.

Gilbert: I didn't pick this place because I like the scenery, you know?

Emma: Was there something else?

Gilbert: Yeah. There's a deeper reason.

Emma: ….Am I part of the reason?

Gilbert: Of course.

(I wonder what it is...I definitely feel like something happened in this place.)

(It hurt, it hurt, it just hurt... something like that——) 

━━FLASHBACK━━

Gilbert: I'm sure there will be plenty of people who are kind to you in the future….

Gilbert: A terrible man like me who leaves nothing but pain will never appear.

Gilbert: Hehe...I don't think you can forget even if you want to.

Emma: ….You’re right.

Emma: …It's not fair….

Gilbert: Because I’m a big villain.

━━FLASHBACK ENDS━━

(….)

Not just once, not twice, but thrice— with each press of the warm lips, inexplicably, tears welled up.

Emma: ….Why do you love me so much, Gilbert?

When I voice the question I wanted to know the most, he bites my lip.

The pain was strangely endearing.

Gilbert: I could go on and on about what I love about you, but I think the best thing is this.

——

When Gilbert came to my room, he opened the desk drawer without hesitation.

Gilbert: Ah, I knew it was here.

Gilbert: I always tell you to carry it with you, but you never did….

The moment I saw "it," my heart froze.

Gilbert: It can't be helped, so I'll put it on for you.

Emma: I-… I’m fine, really! 

Gilbert: Don't be shy.

Before I could run away, Gilbert grabbed me and forcibly sat me down on a chair.

My skirt was lifted, revealing my thighs, where a leather belt was wrapped. 

(Ever since I lost my memory, I've been wondering what this was.)

(But somehow I felt like I had to wear it, even though I didn’t know why….)

Gilbert knelt down and inserted a silver lump he held into the belt.

With delicate rose decorations on the metal part and a bright red rose charm attached to the handle,

“it” was undoubtedly a weapon called a “gun” to kill people.

Emma: ….Does this have anything to do with why you love me?

Gilbert: Yes. You promised to kill me.

Emma: ….

Gilbert: For you, who doesn’t hurt anyone, to say that… I was happy.

Despite the ominous words, the voice that reached my ears was sweet.

The sound of my heartbeat was threatening to stay etched in the mind. 

Gilbert: You said you would take responsibility and kill me, so I chose to live.

Emma: …..

Gilbert: Hehe, you look pale.

Emma: ….Of course, I do.

Gilbert: Don't you want me to die? I'm practically a stranger to you now.

Gilbert: Furthermore, I’m a big villain who can shake the whole continent.

Gilbert: If you kill me, the world may be at peace.

Emma: Still…! I absolutely refuse to…let you die.

(It hurts…)

(…It’s painful.)

━━FLASHBACK━━

Emma: What even is love?

Gilbert: That’s easy.

Gilbert: Its wanting someone to live. I wanted them to live.

━━FLASHBACK ENDS━━

(….I——)

Gilbert: That’s what it is.

Emma: ….Huh?

Gilbert smiled and rested his hand on my cheek.

Gilbert: Your heart is always beautiful.

(Ah…)

(…So that’s what’s going on…)

His red eye that is filled with sincere emotion.

Despite having trampled over countless people and built up a dark legacy upon many corpses,

He is not a good person, and has committed so many crimes that he didn’t deserve redemption.

Even just loving someone was a crime, and he could be punished at any time.

(But I still strongly wished for him to live.)

(My heart is so tainted that I can’t even face my homeland.)

(And yet, Gilbert is always…)

━━FLASHBACK━━

Gilbert: Even if you’re dyed black…you’re….

Gilbert: The most beautiful person I've ever seen.

Gilbert: That's why I wanted you.

Gilbert: No matter how dirty one may think, you remain untarnished.

━━FLASHBACK ENDS━━

(….)

It wasn't until I met Gilbert that I realized the feeling of being unable to let go even though it is full of pain and suffering.

Pushed by the feelings reviving in sync with the heartbeat, I kiss him again.

When I opened my lips, our tongues intertwined with each other as usual, and heat began to spread throughout my body.

(You’re a big, troublesome, bad guy, but I've grown to love you.)

(…That's why I'm in Obsidian.)

After our long exchange of kisses, when we finally parted our faces, Gilbert traced my wet lips with his finger.

Gilbert: Do you still have questions for me?

Emma: …Yes.

(There’s just one final thing I want to ask you——)

 ▸       [  previous / next ]

#ikemen prince #ikepri #ikemen prince spoilers #ikepri jp #ikepri translations #ikemen series #cybird #gilbert von obsidian #ikepri gilbert

[buckysfaveplum]

poppy fields

summary: hiding your feelings for your best friend always seemed like the best idea, until you start coughing up flowers (hanahaki au)

pairing: bucky barnes x female reader

word count: 3.7k 

warnings: angst with a happy ending😌, bucky’s trauma, vomiting, blood, talk of sickness and stomach pains, oh and sam calls you sugar cause i think thats cute :)

a/n: okay so i've been gone a minute. my mental state hasn't been good and i honestly just lost motivation for all the things i love. but i wrote this and hope you're all still interested in what i have to share <3

masterlist | send requests

“I don’t know, it feels too casual,” Bucky said, looking at himself in the mirror.

You watched from your place on the bed as his room slowly transformed into a hoarder’s den. His henleys and t-shirts scattered about from his constant changing. Every single one was fine, but Bucky was Bucky. He needed something to fixate on to distract from his anxiety. Tonight it was his shirt.

“Bucky, you’re just going to a diner. It’s perfect,” you said, hoping he’d finally pick the shirt he had on.

The blue henley, your favorite. The one you bought him.

You knew how much he adored his red henley, it was somewhat of his comfort shirt. The soft fabric hugged his chest and arms, making him feel safe and warm. One of the only shirts he still had from his days on the run, fresh from Hydra. But it was beginning to grow tattered and worn. You decided to find him a new one, not to replace the red, but to give him more options for when he had to leave the tower.

Maybe you did too good. As soon as he had his hands on that blue henley, you rarely saw the red. Always blue.

“You sure?” he asked, turning to see your face.

“Do I ever lie to you?” you asked, scooting to the edge of his bed.

“Never.”

Bucky strode across the room over to you, reaching for his gloves on the bed beside you. As he slipped them over his hands, you felt a frown pulling on your face.

“Really?” you asked.

Bucky bit his lip, avoiding your eyes. He knew how much you hated those gloves, how you hated the way he hid his arm. It’d been so long since he wore them, finally feeling comfortable with who he was. So why did he feel the need to pull them out now?

“Yea, I just… I don’t know, I think she’d feel more comfortable if I wore them,” Bucky said, reaching for his leather jacket.

This would be his fifth date with her, the girl he’d told you about a week ago. He seemed excited, excited to tell you about her. About their dates, where they went, what they ate, everything. You couldn’t remember her name, no matter how many times he said it. Her name didn’t matter, all that mattered was it wasn’t yours.

Watching your best friend date around was hard. Watching him get ready and leave you alone for the night while he was out with other women. It was hard, it was hard being in love with Bucky Barnes. The pain of watching him leave was bearable, knowing each night he’d come back and tell you all about how bad the date was. How he couldn’t wait to get out of there. Until he didn’t. Until he started telling you how excited he was for the next one. Until he started seeing her. That pain was all-consuming.

With a soft sigh, you got up and walked over to him. You reached out, fixing the collar of his jacket. You could feel his eyes boring into you as you fidgeted with the tags around his neck. In a few minutes, he’d be gone. And you’d be alone again. Without him.

“I don’t think she should decide if you cover your arm,” you said, looking up at him.

A soft smile spread across Bucky’s face. That goddamn smile. Slightly cheeky and open, his tongue flicking across his teeth.

“She doesn’t, doll,” he said. Gently he reached his hands out, resting them at the sides of your face. He pulled you close and pressed a quick kiss to your forehead. Those kisses used to make your heart flutter. Ever since he started seeing her, they just made you want to vomit.

As he pulled back, you felt a tickle growing in your throat. Leaning back, you turned your head into your elbow. A coughing fit racked your body, tearing through your throat in a foreign way.

“You okay, doll?” Bucky asked, resting his hands on your lower back and shoulder.

Slowly, you felt the coughs subsiding. Dying out as you caught your balance, shaking your head and catching your breath.

“Yea, yea I’m fine, Buck,” you said, leaving his arms and grabbing your phone off his bed. “I’m gonna go find Sam, we’re gonna order a pizza.”

“You sure you’re okay?” Bucky said, following you out his bedroom door.

“I’m okay, Bucky,” you said, pressing the button for the elevator. As you waited for the doors to open, you felt another tickle growing in the back of your throat. You suppressed it as the doors opened, quickly stepping inside. Pressing the lounge floor, you turned to Bucky once more, “have fun on your date, plum.”

“Thanks, doll,” he said, with a hesitant grin.

As the doors closed, you stumbled back, grabbing at the handle on the back of the elevator. Another fit of coughs hit you, harder than before. You cupped your hands as you hacked, your back arching in pain. Your hands suddenly felt full.

The coughs once again subsided, and you caught your breath. But looking down into your hands, your face went white.

Three little poppies sat in your palms, crumpled and slightly wet.

Fuck.

—

Days passed and you saw Bucky a bit less as they went by. You tried to distract yourself, throwing yourself into work. Taking on extra missions, opting to do all the paperwork, training extra hard with Steve and Nat. But nothing could take your mind off of him.

The coughing just got worse, with more and more flowers coming up each day. You knew what this was and it wasn’t good. You always heard about the disease but never thought it’d happen to you. Never thought you’d feel the chill run down your back sent by the sight of those first three flowers. Poppies, how ironic.

It was your birthday, a year or two back, but you were too busy to care. And so was everyone else. But not Bucky, of course not. You’d never forget how happy you were when you saw him after coming off the quinjet, covered in grime and sweat. A smile on his face and red poppies in his hands. He’d told you the shop was out of baby’s breath, your favorite. But he always loved poppies. So it became your thing. After every mission apart, you’d get each other flowers. He got you poppies, you got him baby’s breath.

A week after the poppies first came up, baby’s breath joined them.

You knew you couldn’t hide the flowers for long, couldn’t keep holding in coughs around others. Soon they’d grow uncontrollable, and then…. well, you know.

The kitchen was empty as you sauntered in. Digging through the cabinets, you pulled out your tea case. Filled and sorted with different teas you’d collected from different missions all over the globe. Hopefully one of them would help soothe the burning in your throat.

“Hey, y/n,” you looked up from your tea to see Sam leaning across the counter.

“Hey, Sam,” you said, going back to your drink. You reached into the cabinets, grabbing two mugs. It was a habit, whenever you made a cup of tea you’d bring Bucky one as well. But he was out with her. “Tea?”

“Sure, sugar,” Sam said, taking a seat at the island. “Haven’t seen you much outside of missions and training. You’re keeping yourself busy, huh?”

“I guess, have a lot of free time lately,” you said, heating your water.

“Yea, Buck sure has been out with that girl a lot lately.”

“What does that have to do with anything,” you asked, placing your kettle down.

Sam gave you a knowing look, full of understanding and kindness. You didn’t need to say anything, and neither did he. You knew what he meant. So did he. With a sigh, you leaned back on the counter, your arms crossing in front of you.

“He seems happy, I’m happy for him,” you said, avoiding Sam’s eyes.

“Why don’t you just tell him, y/n?” Sam asked, leaning forward in his seat.

“Tell him what, Sam?”

“That you love him.”

You turned away, tending to the kettle screaming behind you. As you poured the cups, Sam leaped from his seat, coming to your side. You just focused on your tea, trying desperately to ignore the burning tickle climbing up your throat.

“Come on, y/n. I know he feels the same way. That man is like a lost puppy following you around,” Sam said, grabbing a pack of tea.

“He’s not in love with me, Sam,” you said, placing your tea packet in the mug. The tickle kept growing and growing, threatening to overflow. Flowers threaten to pour out like the water from your kettle. Pour out and expose your years of buried feelings.

“Come on, sugar, it’s obvious. Just tell him,” Sam said.

Your throat burned.

“I know he’ll feel the same way,” Sam continued.

You placed your mug down, feeling a scratch up your esophagus.

“Just tell him how you feel, y/n. He loves you,” Sam said.

“Then why isn’t he here, Sam?” you slammed your hand on the counter, finally looking up at him. “Why is he out at some shitty midtown diner with another woman, while you’re here drinking tea with me from his mug? Why am I constantly watching him run around the city with different women, waiting for him to come back just to tell me about them? Why am I not with him-”

Before you could finish, you felt a rush of coughs take over you. You fell forward, grasping at the counter, heaving and shaking.

“Y/n, sugar, you okay?” Sam said, placing a firm hand on your back to steady you. You kept coughing, trying to keep from blacking out. Your eyes clamped shut as you felt the rush of flowers flowing from your mouth. Slowly, you coughed up the rest, a few red petals falling from your mouth as the coughs died down. Your breaths were labored, trying to focus as black spots danced across your vision.

“Y/n….” You didn’t want to look at Sam, you knew what you’d see. Horror, panic, concern, sympathy. “Sugar, you have-”

“I don’t know what to do, Sam,” you said, feeling tears start to well in your eyes. “I love him, I love him so much.”

Sam’s arms wrapped around you, gently pulling your fragile frame close. He tried to soothe you as your body shook with tears.

“Sugar, you need to tell someone, tell Bucky. Tell him you love him, tell him-” you didn’t let him finish.

“No, Sam, I can’t. I told you, he doesn’t feel the same,” you said, pulling yourself from his arms as you felt yourself regain your balance.

“Y/n, I know he does, just tell him, please. This will kill you,” he said, grabbing your shoulders. You just shook your head. What good would telling Bucky do? He didn’t feel the same. All confessing would do was make him feel pity. Make him feel as though he had to be with you, or else you’d die. Even then, it wouldn’t keep you alive. If he truly didn’t love you, it would do nothing.

“Will you tell Bruce? He can do that surgery, and you’ll be okay,” Sam said.

“I don’t want the surgery, Sam. I don’t…. I don’t want to not love him. I can’t not love him,” you said, feeling yourself growing tired.

“Y/n, please,”

“No, Sam. Just please, please don’t tell anyone.”

“Sugar…”

“Please, Sam.”

—

A week had passed, and you just got worse. Steve had to remove you from the last mission after you almost fainted in training. No coughing, luckily, but Steve wouldn’t have you out in the field until you got your strength back. Without work or Bucky, you found yourself with nothing to do. Nothing but be with your flowers. Nat and Wanda were called on the mission, along with most of the team. Leaving just you, Sam, and Bucky.

Sam let up on insisting you tell Bucky, or see Bruce, but wouldn’t let you be alone. He watched as you avoided Bucky like the plague. Each time he’d try to spend any time with you, you cut the conversation short, rushing to the nearest bathroom to release the build-up of poppies in your throat. Sam saw how Bucky grew worried, seeing you sulk around the tower, your eyes tired and face growing hollow. Something was wrong.

You could feel yourself fading, knowing soon the disease would overtake you. Soon, the flowers would fill your throat, leaving you to choke and suffocate. To die of your unrequited feelings. Surprisingly, you were calm, almost at peace with it.

It was Thursday, laundry day. Normally, Bucky would help you, but you knew that wasn’t an option in your condition. Walking down the hall leading to the kitchen, you stopped in your tracks at a certain voice.

“I just don’t get what’s going on, Sam,” Bucky said. “Why is she avoiding me?”

You stopped just short of entering the room, hiding behind the wall. Your heart raced as you listened in.

“Did I do something? Did I upset her? It’s killing me, I never want to hurt her,” Bucky said. You could hear the desperation in his voice. The slight tremor as he spoke. You knew that tremor, the one that came out in the middle of the night when he awoke from a nightmare. The one that broke through his words as he begged you to hold him, to not leave. That tremor was fear, true fear.

“I don’t know, Buck,” Sam said. You could tell how badly he wanted to tell him the truth. You silently begged him not to. “Maybe she’s feeling neglected?”

“Because of-”

“Yea.”

Your breath picked up, dreading where the conversation was headed. Your hands began to shake, you felt your throat begin to swell. The basket of laundry felt heavy in your hands.

“I don’t know what I was thinking, I just… I miss her. I hate this,” Bucky said.

“Well, you have been spending a lot of time with someone else. Which if you're happy with her, that’s cool but-”

“She asked me to be her boyfriend, Sam.”

A loud crash filled the hall as the laundry basket fell from your hands. Your chest burned and you shook as you stumbled back, your hand pressed on your sternum as you desperately tried to get a breath in. Your feet swayed as you walked, baby’s breath falling from your mouth.

Your vision blurred, your head full of cotton. In seconds, you were hacking, poppies all over the hallway floor. Your knees buckled, the coughing sending you falling to the floor. The sounds of flowers pouring out your mouth filled your ears, blocking out everything else. You didn’t hear combat boots rushing down the hall. You didn’t hear Bucky as he desperately shouted your name. You didn’t hear Sam rush to get Bruce.

Your body was heavy, tingling, and growing numb, but you felt familiar arms pull you close.

“Y/n, doll, baby look at me,” Bucky said, his voice shaking with fear. He couldn’t focus on anything but you. He didn’t focus on the trail of poppies behind you, just you.

Your vision was shaky, but between coughs, you looked up at him. He was scared. Terrified. A kind of terrified you’d never seen from him; not from nightmares, not from a panic attack, not from a mission. This was new, this was the worst.

“Doll, baby, come on breathe, you’re okay. Sam’s gonna get Bruce, it’s okay,” Bucky said, holding you and rubbing your back through another fit of coughs. This time he couldn’t ignore the obvious, as you coughed poppies into your lap.

“Y/n…” Bucky froze, looking at you more scared than before. Realization dawned on him. Fuck, this wasn’t good.

The coughs stopped for a moment. You could feel another fit coming, but you took the opportunity to get in a shaken breath. With weak hands, you reached out to fiddle with the silver tags around Bucky’s neck. God, you loved those tags.

“I love these,” you said, resting your head gently against Bucky’s chest. He pressed a firm kiss to your forehead, holding you close as another fit took over you. Flowers covered you both. You faintly felt tears drop onto your head as Bucky rocked you. You heard the sounds of Bruce and the med team rushing down the hall, Bucky begging them to help you, just before you blacked out.

—

You awoke to soft beeping and bright white lights. You’d come back from enough major injuries to know you were in the medbay. Your throat felt cleared, the fullness of flowers just settling in your stomach. You took in as many deep breaths as you could, stretching in your bed.

“You’re awake,” weakly, you turned your head to the side to be met with the sight of Bucky. He was hunched in a small chair, pulled impossibly close to the bed. You soon realized he had your hand tight in his own, not painful but firm. Like he was terrified to let go.

“Yea, I’m okay, that was weird,” you said, finally coming to. You tried to sit up quickly, but your vision blurred. You began to hunch forward, but Bucky caught you. He was there like he always was. “Thanks.”

“Y/n, you have -” he started

“I know, Buck,” you said, resting back on the pillows. “Sam tell you?”

“You were choking on poppies,” he said, taking your hand back in his. “y/n, whoever you lo… whoever it is, you have to tell them. They have to feel the same way.”

“They don’t, trust me.”

Bucky’s brows furrowed, the concern and fear on his face only growing.

“Please, doll, tell them. If not, let Bruce remove the roots. He cleared out some flowers, but they’ll come back. Please, babydoll, please you can’t die. I can’t lose you. Please,” Bucky was desperate, his eyes red and puffy from tears. He ducked his head, trying to hide the new wave of tears threatening to fall. Strangely, your stomach began to settle, the pain slightly dulling.

“It’s you,” you said, looking down.

“What?” Bucky asked, his head shooting up to find your gaze.

“It’s you. It’s always been you. I love you and I know you don’t feel the sa- '' you couldn’t finish. Suddenly, you felt two strong hands pull you close. Your lips were pressed against Bucky’s as he held you in his embrace. He was warm, a calming wave that washed away all the pain filling your body. The cool of his metal hand against your cheek was soothing, helping ground you as he deepened the kiss. Your head was spinning, but all you could focus on was Bucky.

Quickly, he pulled back, his hands frantically brushing over your face, keeping you close.

“I love you. I love you so much, babydoll. I love… god, I do feel the same way. You’re it for me, baby, you always have been.” he said, resting his forehead against yours.

“But what about…” you asked.

“I was stupid, doll. I was stupid and scared. I’m a mess and I didn’t want to trap you with me. I thought I could find someone else, convince myself I could move on. But I can’t,” Bucky said.

Your stomach fluttered, the fullness of the poppies slowly disappearing. The familiar flutters began to make their way back.

“I couldn’t go anywhere with anyone, without thinking of you. That girl, she… she was so interested, I thought I was too. I don’t know but, when she asked me to be her boyfriend, it finally hit me. She looked like you, I was just trying… to distract myself but. Fuck, I love you, y/n. I can’t keep looking for you in every other girl. You’re all I want, doll.”

“You really love me?” you asked, trying to get closer.

“So much it’s consuming me, baby,” Bucky said, moving to sit with you on the bed.

Feeling your strength slowly return, you pulled him in for another kiss. Your lips danced over his, desperate for more. His hand moved to your back, bringing you closer to him. Your lips moved, pressing soft kisses along his jawline. Bucky suddenly pulled back. Your brows furrowed, confused.

“I almost killed you,” Bucky said, dropping his gaze.

“What?” you asked, confused.

“You were so convinced I didn’t love you, so sure that you got… I did this to you. I almost killed you,” he said, shaking his head.

“No, no, plum you didn’t. Sam even told me you felt the same, he told me to tell you. It’s okay, plum,” you said, reaching for his cheeks. “I’m okay, I’m okay. You love me, I’m okay.”

“I’m so sorry, babydoll. I love you so much,” Bucky said, moving closer to you, his hands finding your waist.

“I love you too,” you said, resting your forehead to his. You both took a moment, resting silently in each other's arms. Finally, everything out in the open.

—

Laying in Bucky’s bed, your fingers danced over the engravings on his tags. The blue henley pulled tight across his chest as he rested beneath you. Familiar and warm.

Weeks passed, and the flowers were long gone. Bucky refused to leave your side, finally being able to hold you how he always wanted. A hand was always on your waist, hips, or around your shoulders. He never wanted to be away from you, holding you close as much as he could. If you ever coughed, even the slightest bit, he went into a panic. But you assured him, everything was okay. You were okay.

You nuzzled closer into his side, taking in the familiar smell of oak and leather that was just Bucky. The fluttering feeling he gave you was back, a welcomed comfort you hoped never left again.

“You really like those things, huh,” he said, smiling down at you. You looked up, pressing a soft kiss into his side.

“Mhm,” you said, leaning in further. “I love this shirt on you, too.”

“Really?” he asked, his fingers gently brushing at the nape of your neck. “You know, it’s my favorite shirt.”

“And why’s that?” you asked.

“Because it came from you.”

_

taglist:

@baby-banana @mattymurdocksbitch @themorningsunshine @skyfullofinfinities

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes angst #fanfiction #fanfic #tfatws #marvel #winter soldier

[gutterspeak]

For Luthais:

21. Why do they get up in the morning? 

27. What causes them to feel dread? 

31. Who are they the most glad to have met? 

thank you dujour!!! 🥺💕

21. Why do they get up in the morning?

pure spite mostly 😌 just kidding... unless?

I think he can be a spite-driven individual at times but... this is probably a question he asks himself a lot too! he's pretty directionless before he gets super locked into aeon mode which gives him a more of a target to aim at. becoming knight commander was practically his worst nightmare and he resents every second of it, but he still gives everything of himself to do a good job anyway - he may hate it but he doesn't have a lot of options other than to give up and lose or actually try to win... and brother. he's gonna win no matter the cost

so really it's his fear of failure and inadequacy that pushes him forward. deep down he just wants stability and some peace and damn quiet, I think he has a distant hope that someday he might be able to find it...

if only he hadn't knowingly chose his own doom every step of the way 😔

27. What causes them to feel dread?

oh so many things. he's mister anxiety disorder. it might be quicker to list what doesn't make him feel dread!!

he has an established phobia of locusts (and other swarming insects). he's afraid of dogs too

act 1 to early/mid act 3 or so he's crippled by self doubt by every decision he makes. and it's not really that he gains much confidence in himself so much as the aeon brain makes it clear which is the Right and Correct path to take

and then, of course, back to his fear of failing - both himself and the people he cares about. he lost his brother and his wife because of what he sees as a personal failure to prevent their deaths, and this time so much else rests on his shoulders too that there's no wiggle room for fuck ups. it's a heavy weight he bears alone most of the time, which makes the paralyzing terror of it all that much worse

31. Who are they most glad to have met?

AHH this is a hard one, for me at least. I think his answer would be his late wife, Iolanthe... even though she was murdered horribly and that scarred him forever. he's still glad to have met her and never ever stops loving her, he's a wife guy first and a human being second!!!!! (well. half-elf. but you know what I mean LOL)

there's other characters from his backstory that I don't think I've mentioned before, but they had a big impact on him too... his mentor at the monastery, Lucio, was one. he was the physician for the abbey and taught Luthais a lot of what he knows now about anatomy, alchemy, and botany. he also had a childhood friend named Freyeth'rai (or just Frey) who was an aquatic half-elf who lived in Acisazi - Luthais' family would vacation near there during the summers and Frey made his awful childhood just a little more bearable... and also gave him his long-lasting love of the sea :]

#thank you again dujour!! #answering these has made me realize I should write more backstory stuff... #there's so much that I haven't ever talked about... it just lives in my head #inbox

[thefreakydeaky]

You're No Good (Part 2)

Negan x Reader

Various TWD Characters x Reader

Modern AU

Summary: Your husband came up with a way to keep you away from trouble but trouble just won't stay away from you.

Warnings: In this house we say Fuck. there's a little angst in this part. la croix smut. there is a hint of smut.

That evening as you made dinner, the instant messaging app dinged. You picked up your phone to see a response from your ex.

- Hey, I've been doing fine. The families alright except we lost Mimma and Pappa two years ago. We should go get a drink together and really catch up, when you've got time. There's a fancypants bar at that new hotel downtown. You were always into that sort of thing. Let me know.-

You smirked.

Fancypants bar

It was a very Him phrase to use. It sounded fun to day drink and hang out for a while.

-I'm sorry to hear that. My condolences to you and your family. I would like to catch up. What day are you off?-

And just like that it was set in motion. You pushed the stir fry around the pan. You heard the garage door opening and took off your apron.

Negan called out to you as he came inside. You turned off the stove and went to him.

The tall handsome man put his arms around you encircling you in his embrace. You leaned up and pressed your lips to his in a quick peck. He laughed. Then ducked his head and kissed you properly. His lips molded to yours. You stayed connected for a moment. He slowly pulled away.

"What you makin'?" Negan asked following you to the kitchen.

"Oh, just stir fry." You told him.

He took out a couple of plates and set them on the counter. You began to serve your dinner as he got a beer and a soda from the fridge.

"How was your day?" He took a seat at the table.

You picked up the plates and then set them down. You got utensils and brought them to the table.

"It was alright." You thought for a moment to tell him you had run into Rick Grimes, but you decided against it. "Nothing interesting. I bought a new dress."

"That's nice." He took a bite of his food.

"So, I don't want you to think I'm upset with you, because I'm not, but-"

His eyebrows raised. He looked mildly concerned.

"Another one called me today.” You kept your tone even.

“Who called you?” He asked not understanding.

“Someone you’ve …seen or someone you’re seeing.” You tried again.

He winced.

“We had talked about you using face recognition to lock your phone, remember?" You imparted with forced calm.

"Shit. Baby, I'm sorry. I hate to do it. It's such an inconvenience, but you're right. If it's the only way to prevent this from happening I'll get it done."

You nodded.

"Thank you."

He took your hand in his and kissed your knuckles. Your text message app chimed. You ignored it in favor of eating dinner with the man you loved.

••••••••••••

On a bright and sunny Saturday, You and Negan drove to one of the biggest parks in the city. It was beautiful, green and teaming with vegitation. The big elm trees offered a lot of shade and the lake at the center made the weather, that bordered on too hot, more bearable.

There were tables set up and booths with carnival games. An Axe throwing area was set up off to the side. There was an area being used to set up the catering that had been ordered as well.

Hand in hand you let Negan lead you up to his boss. He introduced you (again) to Mr. Philip Blake, a man of average height and unremarkable features. He acted pleasant enough.

You shook hands and made a comment about how nice it all was. Mr. Blake called his wife and daughter over and you greeted them as well. They were in matching floral printed shorts and pink polo shirts. You found it cute and smiled at the little girl.

"Well, there's plenty to do around here. You have to sign a waver for the axe throwing, but it's safe enough." Mr. Blake commented.

"We'll try it out." Negan replied.

The men nodded cordially at one another and you parted ways.

"What would you like to do?" Negan asked you as you stopped by different booths to check them out.

"Mm...what about the ring toss?"

Negan smirked at you.

"You sure about that?"

You nodded.

When it was your turn at the game, you were handed three rings each. You watched Negan go first. He missed the first one but landed the last two.

"Good job, My love." You kissed his cheek.

"Can't wait to see you try it." He teased.

You played at glaring at him.

You turned the first ring in your hand and hooked your hand as though you were throwing a frisbee. You moved your wrist sharply. It whizzed past the bottles and hit the tarp behind them.

The corner of Negan's mouth twitched. You shook your head.

You tried the same move again, this time you tried not to move so tightly. The ring landed upright in between the bottles

You made a sound of disappointment.

Negan chuckled.

"Last one, You've got this." He encouraged despite his amusement.

The last ring you held between both your hands and tossed into the air. The red plastic bounced against the bottles and tumbled to the floor.

You pouted.

Negan laughed lightly. He pulled you into his side, his arm around you lower back.

"It's okay, Baby. Throwing was never your thing."

"Yeah, yeah." You pretended to be mad about it. In truth, your lack of agility didn't bother you, you just liked to see Negan smile.

You moved on to a booth where you would throw darts at balloons. Negan gestured toward the stuffed animals.

"I'll win you one." He boasted, throwing you a wink.

You scoffed at him.

"Sure you will."

He threw the first of five darts and immediately hit a green balloon. The next two darts popped two more balloons in a row. With the the fourth one he struck the board between two rows and both balloons popped.

You clapped, grinning at the absurdly joyful look on his face. He got ready to throw the fifth dart.

You jumped at the feeling of a hand on your shoulder and turned, missing Negan's throw.

"What are you doing here?" The torso you found yourself looking at was all that was eye level for you, you had to crane your neck to see the man talking to you.

"Be?" Your eyes widened.

You would not have imagined you would run into him here, the man you met in a motel room twice a month. Memories flashed through your mind, the giant of a man with his hands tied together, laying naked under you as you rode his long cock. Memories of teasing him and edging him until he was on the verge of tears. Making him cum so hard that he whined as he reached orgasm. Then again, was it any wonder that you wouldn't know? He was very strict about keeping the details of your lives private. You didn't even know his real name. He told you to call him 'Beta'.

His brows were curled down in upset.

"You shouldn't be here." Beta insisted.

"I, uhm, someone I know works for-"

"I don't care! She'll see you!" He said in a hushed but urgent tone.

"Just ignore me. She will only know if you give it away." You huffed pushing his hand away from your shoulder.

Beta grabbed onto your forearm and started pulling you away.

"Hey!" You hissed. "Let go of me!"

The giant of a man ignored you still tugging you along behind him. You looked around frantically for your husband.

"Excuse me. You wanna get your fucking hands off my wife?" Negan cut in coming to stand between you.

Beta seemed startled by Negan's sudden presence. He let go of your arm.

"Oh, uh, your wife? My bad." He stuttered, looking from you to Negan and back. He didn't seem to be intimidated by Negan. Rather, his eyes kept darting toward the seating area somewhere behind you. "My bad." He repeated and walked away.

Once Beta was a good distance away, Negan turned and picked something up off the ground. Still feeling anxious and freaked out by what had happened, you watched as he came to you and deposited a rainbow colored bear into your arms the size of a small dog.

"Are you alright?" He sounded annoyed, but there was concern under it.

You nodded. You stared at the stuffed animal mutely for a minute.

"You should be more careful who you choose." He sniffed. "It sucks for me to have to meet them."

When you looked up, Negan was no longer standing in front of you. You caught sight of him going back toward the tables where some of his coworkers were sitting. You wiped away the tears that were welling in your eyes and started heading to the booth that was giving out lemonade.

#negan x reader #negan smith x reader #Beta x Reader #Beta twd x reader #the walking dead x reader

[mcntsee]

60 DIALOGUE PROMPTS!!

Alright, since I can’t seem to come up with anything good to write, I’ve decided to let an AI generate random dialogue prompts. If you are interested in any of them being part of a fanfic, please send an ask with said prompt. Also, if you have an idea of what you want me to do with the prompt, feel free to include it in the ask. Angst? Happy? Funny? Only writing for Kaz Brekker at the moment, but might do it again for more characters.

(I’ll be crossing out the ones that have already been done.)

1. "You make me feel like I'm not good enough."

2. "Am I supposed to be scared now?"

3. "Could you be happy here with me?"

4. "But this- this is the only thing that's made the last three years bearable."

5. "Perhaps you'll take me out one day - or do I have to make an appointment?"

6. "I've forgotten what it's like to feel young."

7. "She's been missing since Friday and you're not worried?"

8. "I daren't stay long. I just had to see you."

9. "It looks like you're in trouble there. Can I help?"

10. "He/she was unconscious when I found him/her”

11. "You came back!"

12. "You stand there and accuse me, but where were you at the time?"

13. "You were meant to be watching him/her!”

14. "I'll find her and bring her home, I promise."

15. "Have you read the newspaper stories about my wife?"

16. "Tell me what you saw, for her/his sake!"

17. "H-how long have you been standing there?"

18. "You haven't called me that in years."

19. She was beginning to realise how far down in his memory he’d buried his childhood

20. "I'm sorry if it upsets you, but I'm going to marry her."

21. "You did a bad thing for a good reason."

22. "If you do this, you will be dead to me."

23. "You have her/his eyes."

24. "I just want a nice, easy life. What's wrong with that?"

25. "You're paying a small price compared with what she's going through."

26. "Are you kidding me? We're not 'fine'!"

27. "What do you remember about your mother?"

28. "Where does a child hide in a town like this?"

29. "If only I'd just gone over when she called."

30. “If you’re not going to let me help, I’m not staying to watch you burn.”

31. “You shot me!” “Oh, don’t pretend to be surprised. It’s unbecoming.”

32. “We were friends.”

33. “You seem tired.”

34. “You talk like we’ve already lost.” “Look around you, dumbass! We already have!”

35. “Was I just not enough for you?”

36. “It’s easy to hate someone when you don’t look them in the eyes.”

37. “Ah, yes. I am delighted to exist as a pawn in your power-plays.”

38. “How am I supposed to go on?”

39. “Aren’t you tired? Can we stop this and give our hearts rest?”

40. “We started this together and we should end it together.”

41. “You bring the best out of me but I’m the worst for you.”

42. “What I mean is, I’m going to stop watering a dead flower, expecting it to grow again.”

43. “But you make me feel like home! You are my home.”

44. “I just need this one moment. This last one.”

45. “I was not ready to lose both a lover and a friend in one night.”

46. Because that’s all we are now, right? A memory, a faded picture, a failed potential.

47. “Please, just stay a little longer.”

48. “Am I going to die?”

49. “I know exactly how this ends.”

50. “You were never one of us.”

51. “I would’ve died for you.”

52. “You almost died! And for what?”

53. “If I leave now, I won’t come back.”

54. “Don’t look at me like that, I don’t want pity.”

55. “And then he left.”

56. “I wish I could fix this.”

57. “You hurt me and I still trusted you.”

58. “Can we have this conversation when you’re not upset.”

59. “You really were my first and last.”

60. “I hope you got what you wanted.”

#angst #fanfiction #six of crows fanfic #six of crows x reader #kazzle dazzle #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker

[solarrene]

Home Again

Jason Todd x Plus Size reader

Fluff!!!

Chapter Five

Little things with the family, another realization, and family dinner.

Life at Best as We Know It

"I honestly feel like I've stepped into a movie." Y/N said as she walks in the library, along with Stephanie and Cassandra.

"Eh, I'm sure it's nothing too different from the places back there in your home." Stephanie shrugs, sitting herself on a couch.

After their lunch was done, though it was only her, Stephanie, Cassndra, Damian and Alfred, as the others were off to their on agendas—Stephanie asked Y/N for them to explore the manor and of course, Y/N agreed. 

Y/N laughs. "Well honey, I've never been in a manor before, so it's still impressive." Her eyes roaming the spacious room, entranced by the beauty of it; tall shelves filled with books that she sure knows she could only hope to have. Wide, tall windows that shows the garden, sunlight illuminating the room, still the golden lights were on, making the brown colors shine out more. "Wow," she huffs, grinning, "I could never be bored here." Y/N said as she walks to the shelves, her hand trailing the books.

"And you have all the time in the world but let's go!" Stephanie jumped off the couch, dragging Cassandra with her and Y/N only laughed, seeing Cassandra was disappointed from being ruined of her comfort in her chair.

And so there they were, here and there. From the game room, Y/N didn't expect less when she saw the place, as grand as the library in her eye. They, of course, played. With Y/N attempting to try the billiard and failed miserably, which resulted to a lot of laughing fit, though Cassandra and Stephanie wasn't so good at it, they managed. At least the hockey was much more bearable for them, their loud voices echoing around the room. 

To Y/N's demise, she lost to the both of them, the two ended up high fiving each other with wide smiles on their faces then proceeded to beat each other. Let's just say it took more time than they were supposed to. Much later on they finished their game and headed off again. 

"I shall challenge you both to a rematch sometime," Y/N announced as the three of them walked through the hallway. Stephanie laughed and Cassandra smiled.

"Yeah, so we could beat you again," Stephanie smugly said.

"Do not be so smug now, my dear." Y/N laughed.

"She did put up a fair fight." Cassandra spoke. Y/N turned to Stephanie and made a gesture, saying 'see?' Stephanie only chuckled and let her be.

They arrived outside where the pool was, the place surrounded by a few tables with umbrellas under it. The water reflecting a bright blue color as the sun was still in its prime. "This is one hell of a place to live in." Y/N said.

"You could say that," replied Stephanie.

Y/N walked to the edge of the pool and crouched down, dipping her hand in the water. Her mind aimlessly flying off to some place. It still felt surreal to her, everything for that matter. Her mother and now her staying with these people. Y/N scoffed though in a laughing manner, "...I've only read about your family once a few times, and that's always unintentionally....I never expected to see you people, much less stay in your home." 

"We never expect some things to be the way they are, anyway." Stephanie said softly, not wanting to hit off any string that can hurt. 

"I suppose you're right," uttered Y/N, her hand still swaying in the water. Only the sound of trees dancing with the wind and the water waving gently was heard, it was like that for a minute or two; Stephanie and Cassandra stood behind her, hesitating, until Cassandra looked to Stephanie and nodded to her. 

Cassandra crouched down beside her and patted her other hand that laid on the ground. She said nothing but smiled reassuringly when Y/N looked at her. Y/N's look of uncertainty was replaced with awe and smiled back—squeezing her hand gently. 

"If it's okay.... could you bake your pastries again?" Cassandra asked, her soft tone melting Y/N. 

"Yes! and we could help!" Stephanie spoke a bit loudly, clapping her hands once. Y/N almost cringed, remembering Alfred's words and pursed her lips to not laugh. Stephanie didn't miss this as the two stood up. "Hey, we'll really just help and swear we won't burn down the kitchen." She assured.

"Alright, if you say so," Y/N teased her. As they were headed to the kitchen, Damian was just walking down the stairs and they stopped once they saw each other.

"Hi there, we didn't interrupt you, I hope? I think we may have gone too loud in the game room earlier." Y/N spoke.

Damian shook his head, "You didn't, and it wouldn't be the first time if it did happen," Stephanie snickered, already walking off to the kitchen, "We'll help Y/N bake, join if you want." She trailed.

"That wouldn't be the best idea." Damian said clearly, looking at Y/N and she laughed. "Don't worry, I'll make sure nothing will happen that can kill Alfred." She waited for him and he followed despite his objections.

"I can assure you nothing can't surprise Alfred anymore." He said as they went in the kitchen.

"Oh, I can assure you, Master Damian, that a lot of things can still surprise me." Alfred made himself known by walking in the other door of the room. Damian looked down sheepishly as well Cassandra and Stephanie who smiled, feeling caught. 

"Do not let them get too comfortable here or else we'll regret it." Alfred warned and Y/N laughed loudly, before covering her mouth. "I won't, Al," she assured as he went out. 

Y/N sighed, shaking her head, "What could have possibly went too south for him to be so against of some of you being here?" 

"....Everything?" Stephanie retorted.

"I see, well it's never too late to learn a few things." Y/N starts to get a few equipments out of the cabinets, "So, what do you want to have?" she asked.

"I love Alfred's scones and yours, by the way and his cookies, but should we have something new?" Stephanie asked Damian and Cassandra.

"Madeleines?" said Cassandra.

Damian only shrugged reluctantly, "Victoria cake?.... Or so I've heard."

They started to work, with them helping Y/N prepare the tools and ingredients together in one place. With Y/N making them familiar with each equipment or tools and the ingredients, so as to prevent them from repeating the happenings they done in the past that continues to scare Alfred to this day. 

"Yes, fold it like that, keep it up-No! Not that fast, Damian," Y/N's worried voice made Damian halt with his movement, now aware that the batter could have possibly made a mess if he continued it. 

"Oh," uttered Damian, frowning. "Becareful with those knives, you two," Y/N said to Cassandra and Stephanie, who were cutting strawberries, they might have been much too into it as they were almost like playing with the knives they held. Y/N walks to Damian and asked to have the spatula and the bowl he held. "You just fold it gently and not over do it," she said, with him watching intently, "Here, you try." She gave it to him and nodded for him to go on. 

He took it hesitantly and did what he just saw, "There, you're getting it." Y/N smiled at him. Damian looked down and let his lips curved. 

"See, we're not so bad at this." Stephanie remarked. 

"Darling, the way you're both holding the knife is scaring me." Their skills from their hidden identities showing, Stephanie chuckled a small 'hehe', "Sorry." Y/N only shook her head.

Bickering here and there, Y/N's worried voice and her instructions, they managed or she rather, managed to manage the three to help them learn and actually do some work. 

"Thirty minutes for the madeleines and twenty for victoria." Y/N announced as they put in the batters in the oven, she dusted her hands off before laying it on her waist, eyeing the counter and sink with their used tools and everything. 

"Now, let's clean this while it bakes," she added. Y/N began to wash the dishes, while Stephanie helped her, Cassandra drying it off and Damian putting them back in their places. 

"I...." Stephanie hesitated, Y/N looks at her and she sees the said girl with unsure eyes, she smiled softly and waited for her. "You're....doing good, I hope..or at least all of us." 

"I am," Y/N uttered, nodding, "It's not easy, loss is never easy anyway and never will, no? But it helps when you're never alone too." Said her. 

From being together, with the storms they've gone through the years, with everything...they have learned that; no one has through go something alone, they never need to be alone. Alfred just reminded them of that sentiment and now here they were again. 

"I...me staying here is a lot, honestly, for you guys, I mean...and with my situation... it's easy for me because of you, your genuineness. I can't be more thankful enough..." Y/N turned off the faucet and laid her hands on the sink, releasing a shaky breath. "But I apologize as well...if this whole thing makes you uneasy, it's only understandable after all." 

Stephanie dried off her hands as they were done, "We're just glad to help." 

"It's...it's not easy for anyone here...and that's okay." Cassandra says. 

"And it has been said, no one needs to be alone." Damian declared. 

Y/N had to prevent herself from crying at their act of kindness again, pursing her lips to stop her mouth from quivering as she can feel it all again. "Yes, yes...thank you, again," she mumbled quietly, drying her hands. 

It's so easy to feel so small when you feel those big emotions, how they know too much of the feeling. Familiarity is what they could agree on. 

Not much later on, the baking was done and they proceeded to finish making their desserts. As Cassandra and Y/N were making the filling for the victoria cake, with Y/N still teaching them step by step. 

"Stephanie, please get the powdered sugar," asked Y/N as she continued to assist Cassandra. 

When Stephanie held the bag of it, she raised her eyebrows and smirked. But Y/N saw this, "Stephanie...no!" She yelled but it was late as the troublemaker already threw a fistful of it to Damian. 

"You dare!" shouted Damian and slammed the spatula he was holding—his upper body covered with white powder. Rationality left his body as he saw the flour still on the counter and went for it. 

"No-" Suddenly, Stephanie's face was covered with flour, she blew out a breath and it puffed out like smoke. "Oh, it's on." She threatened. 

"Guys," Y/N started again but she noticed Cassandra gathering whipped cream for the filling in the spatula she was holding and she halted as she saw Y/N looking at her. Y/N narrowed her eyes, "Don't even." She gritted her voice. 

Cassandra only smiled and flicked the spatula to Damian without any effort to make her target perfect, still it hit him. To his relief, just on his chest. "Ha!" Stephanie yelled and ran over to Cassandra and high fived together. 

"I will end you both." Damian managed to sound menacing despite looking silly, Y/N couldn't help but blurt out a laugh.

They turned to her and her smile fell as did her heart. 

"You wouldn't." She dared tightly, and she knew she was dead while they all gathered something in their hand. They all had the same sinister smirk and gazes changed. "Alfred will kill you." 

"Not if we force to make you join, he won't." Damian taunted. 

"Don't-"

She was cut off with her own scream as Stephanie took the first hit with her powdered sugar, Damian with flour and Cassandra with the whipped cream. "Oh, now you've done it." She wiped off the powder that was on her face and dared for something more as she took an egg—their smug faces fell. 

"That's not fair," Damian said.

"Darling, three against one is not fair." Y/N stated while making her stance. 

Before she could throw it, "Is everything okay—woah!" Dick walked in the kitchen with Duke and Tim following. Y/N suddenly collected herself but threw a sharp gaze to the three. 

"Oh, Alfred is gonna love this." Duke said as they see the state of the room and the four as well. 

"You guys are so dead." Tim laughed. 

"Shut it." Damian eyed his brother as he took a towel to clean himself, the three doing the same. 

"If Alfred sees this then, yes, we're dead. " Y/N said, hurriedly fixing herself and went to fix a few things they've made mess of. "Cassandra, come now and let's finish this. You two start as well with the glaze." Y/N demanded with a demeaning tone but still gentle. They followed with no complaints despite them still sticky and a mess from their doings.

The three watched with amusement, surprised as well to see them working rather well. "What can we help with?" Dick asked and Y/N smiled, "You're a saint-" they all snickered, Y/N ignored it, "Well, there's still some of the mess they made, so that. Thank you" 

They began to clean the remaining mess but Y/N sees the same look again as Tim held the bag of flour. "Don't you dare." Tim's mischievous gaze vanished immediately when he sees the warning stare of her, almost similar to Alfred's. "I wasn't going to," replied Tim, while Duke only raised his eyebrows at him. 

Y/N sighed, "Now I see why Alfred is so keen on keeping you away from the kitchen." 

"Yeah and now that you've taught them a few, it looks like they won't be staying away from it too soon." Dick chuckled, pertaining to Damian and Stephanie specifically who were focused on glazing the madeleines. 

Y/N hummed, "I don't know if I should be glad or get more worried." 

"I think we should all be worried." Duke says, laughing warily.

Oh, this will be a feast for their eyes. 

------------------

To Alfred's relief, the kitchen was how it was supposed to be, though he had no doubts they did what they thought he didn't know. 

"I expect better from you children if you think I don't know what you did." Alfred says as he walks in the kitchen, while they were devouring their foods. 

"I warned them," said Y/N, not denying any claim to what ever Alfred may be referring to. The three rascals from earlier all narrowed their eyes at her, the other three just laughed. 

"She was gonna join too, if you must know." Damian 

"But I didn't, thanks to your brothers by the way." Y/N smiled teasingly at Damian and nodded to the three men. Damian scoffed and crossed his arms on his chest. 

Alfred only sighed, his dire aura changing to his normal state, "Well, at least nothing is damaged this time, I suppose." He said and all except Y/N muttered an agreement and with her confused face. 

"I finally know how to bake, Al." Stephanie said enthusiastically as she held up a plate of the madeleines. "Well, at least I know a few," continued her. 

Cassandra did the same, pointing to her plate. "Yes, it would appear so. That's something to be watch closely so as for us to not regret it." Alfred retorted and Y/N laughed loudly, throwing her head back. Stephanie eyed the both of them while Damian rolled his eyes and Cassandra just shrugged. 

"How I've missed your wits, Alfred." Y/N expressed, shaking her head. 

Alfred smiled and nodded. "Well, you should clean yourselves up properly now," he started. "And if you make a mess of my kitchen again, I will never let you step foot here ever again." He warned, emitting authority well that even the other innocent three men agreed to his order. Y/N snorted, amused. 

They parted ways then. Y/N took her time in the shower and decided to explore outside of the manor. As she went a bit further, her eyes furrowed when she sees a barn. 

"...Huh?" she said out loud, confused and started to smile, "A barn...I shouldn't be surprised." 

She walked towards to it, hearing noises the closer she got, knocking on the small door, "Hello?" she asked as she opened it. And there she sees Damian, out of his dirty clothes as well, feeding their cow. 

"Y/N, hello." Damian greets her casually and Y/N huffed, chuckling. 

"And a cow, of course," she says, at least to herself. She goes to him, cooing when Damian held another batch grains to give it to the cow. "She's adorable, what do you call her?" She approached them, gently patting its head.

"...Bat-cow," Y/N grinned, confused. "Bat, huh? Like Batman?" 

Damian blinked, "Yes, I...uh, I like Batman, I guess," he muttered. 

"Cute," she said. "Are there anymore animals here I could meet?" joked her. 

"I do have a cat, his name is Alfred." Damian said, a smile cracking. "Bat-cow and Alfred......hmm, not bad." Y/N giggled. Damian walked off from their place, intending to look for his cat and he found him. "Here he is," he says, cradling Alfred in his arms. 

"He's pretty," said Y/N, though didn't pet it as she was scared to.

"Alfred gave him to me." Smiling when he laid the cat back down on the ground. 

"Ah, make sense." She nodded. Damian walked back to the cow, with Y/N following, he pets her again, "I'll be back later for your dinner." They walked together out of the barn, Alfred the cat following beside them. 

"Thank you for teaching us a few in baking, by the way, I had a good time." Damian said. 

"I had fun too and I'm glad you did. I could teach you again sometime," 

Damian stopped walking, she turns to him and stopped as well—they were in the middle of the grass plains. She looks at the child concerned, "Is something wrong?" 

"I..." he hesitates, his gaze down, "I still don't get how when someone you love dies, you're like....that...and the people at the reception." He lets out the thoughts that's been going on in his head once a few times the past days. 

Y/N smiled gently at the child before sitting down on the grass and patted the spot beside her, Damian followed and took Alfred in his arms. "I honestly have thought the same thing once, even thought that I wasn't grieving enough but It's as I said, death never hits anyone the same, nor we grieve in the same way....I think what matters most when we grieve is that we try to be....kind still, or at least that's what I've been holding onto anyway."

"I see..." Damian said mindlessly, looking far ahead, "I wouldn't know what to do if I lose someone I care about." In him, at least part of him, knows what he'd do but he wasn't always so sure about it, because of the promise to his father and to himself. 

"Well...whatever happens then, at least it has been said we're never supposed to go through things alone." He looks at her quite surprised and she just smiled. "That's true," whispered him.

"Your mother..." Y/N says questioningly, she hopes to not regret she spoke that.

"She is well," he confirmed, nodding and Y/N uttered in relief. "We see each other from time to time." He was smiling while petting his cat.

"Do you miss her?"

He took a beat before replying, "Everyday."

"Do you?" He asked.

She smiled, "Everyday."

He lied down on the grass, the sky was bright. "Are you happy?"

She did the same, "I am, are you?"

"I am."

---------------------

Y/N heads back to the kitchen just after she and Damian finished their short time together. There at last, she saw Jason inside—though she yelped, still getting surprised. She grips the side of the door, laughing. "Again, huh?" She says. 

"Again," Jason repeated, huffing out a smirk before taking a bite off his madeleine. He couldn't help but feel glad that she found him this time. That feeling lingered but he again, tried to cut it off. 

Y/N shakes her head, walking to the fridge to get a glass of water. She sighed before speaking, "Thank you for yesterday again." 

"All I said were a few words," he replied, creasing his eyebrows. He should have worded it better, he thinks. 

Chuckling once she finished her drink, "That would be true....but we should never underestimate how heavy a sincere words can be, even if it's only a few." Says her as she leaned her waist on the counter with him across from her. 

Jason nodded slowly, agreeing. "I'll be keeping that in mind, " his mind flowing back to the times his people spoke words to him, confrontations, reassurances, everything in between those—that much he knows true. 

He breathes out a chuckle, "Now, I heard you caused a ruckus earlier," he says. 

"It was them," she corrected 

"And you taught them as well?" He laughed, though lightly. It was a sound she could get used to. 

"Well, I said it's never too late to learn." 

"I'm sure you did." Y/N laughed at this. 

"Give them a little credit, Damian and Stephanie did the most of those madeleines you're eating and it's very good, is it not?" She raises her eyebrows at him, a smile threatening to curve. 

"Only because you taught them." 

"Darling, that's the point of teaching." Jason's lips quirked, amused. She didn't expect the little fluttering in her when she said the pet name that she usually says often. 

"You taught that little brat to bake, I'll give you credit," he says as he finished eating. 

"I shall be honored then." Y/N bowed her head, giggling. 

"You're not welcome." He bluntly said. Y/N laughed in mock disbelief, laying a hand on her chest. 

"You wound me," she gasped. He smiles this time as he was obliged by the glint of delight in her eyes which he caught earlier. She pursed her lips, though her face was covered in amusement as much as him—she faltered as she felt her heart flutter again, seeing his smile as he looks at her. Pretty. She could have bit her tongue. 

"My pleasure." Jason tipped his head, smile still etched to his face. 

She rolled her eyes at him, before she stands up straight, crossing her arms on her chest, ignoring the sudden heavy beats of her heart. "I suppose you'll take another of those on the way?" She asked, gesturing to the plates of the pastries they made. 

"I won't be hearing the end of it if they see me, so no."

"Ah, of course," Y/N chuckles, "Too bad for you then," she continued teasingly as she began to walk to the door. Certainty and the opposite of it was brewing in her, what she was sure of was that she needed air, and away from him. Jason only laughed freely, she got a glimpse of his smile again, the sound of his laugh ringing clear to her ears even when she's now a bit far away from the room. 

She closed her eyes, shaking her head as she continues to feel the thumping of her heart, "It's nothing," she mumbled to herself and gripped her chest.

You can't possibly be serious right now. 

In end of the stairs she finds herself, with hands now on her waist, she released the tension she didn't realized she was holding, "Nothing," she said clearly this time. 

----------------------

Family dinner in the Wayne manor sometimes mean,the family, and tonight is one of those. The dining room bright as it can be, with the candles on the table, the foods, and their lively voices.

Though Y/N was uneasy when Alfred told her about it while they were preparing for dinner, she was rather enthralled still to meet more of their members. Now being in the middle of it, she waswiththem. 

But of course, they knew to be careful so as to not let any hidden truths be known to someone different from them. Or Bruce just told them. 

"They're not being a pain to you, aren't they?" Kate asked Y/N, referring to the kids, at least in her eyes. To which a few of them responded with protests. Bruce and Alfred only smiled. 

Y/N laughs, shaking her head, "They've been treating me in a way more than I could ever be thankful for." Then says her softly that caught them off guard. 

"Sounds unlike them." Luke retorted, breaking off their gazes that was laced with serenity to glaring at the said man, at least the kids again. 

"You'll boost their ego." Harper followed. 

"I don't see how much more of their ego can be boosted." Y/N replied, proudly grinning. 

"I don't know, she's saying the truth." Barbara smirked, shrugging. 

Amidst the laughter and complains that roared, Y/N finds her eyes to be at Jason's, with a smile almost showing—and then he caught her gaze that made her breath hitched. 

He smiled at her while raising his eyebrows to which Y/N just brushed off with a small laugh, now looking down. "Ah, shit," whispered her. 

So much for nothing

----------------------------------------------------------------------

💌🖋️: jason todd, let me hit just once 🙏🏼

#jason todd #red hood #jason todd x plus size reader #chubby reader #jason todd x reader #bruce wayne #batman #batfamily #alfred pennyworth shooter #Damian wayne i care you #Still dont know what this is #my bat shenanigans 🦇 #home again 💌🦇

[thevoidcannotbefilled]

(More of Bad End S5 aka I make Jon say mean things)

The Archive feels the siren call of the Panopticon begging him to come home. But the monster doesn't want the sweet awful nothings of a world that belongs to him. A finale would mean an end to share with no one except his own broken heart. Besides, how can he sheath his claws when he's lost all reason to?

So the monster the roamed. And ate. And tore into the minds of all the undeserving. He let himself be led by his own pain and the eye's hunger. He looked for something to fill the ache until he became more object than man. As constant as the sun that used to be in the sky with none of its good and all of its destruction.

[Shaky] There's a pause now for me to breathe in the despair I haven't felt in so long. For what reason? To see me suffer even more? To remind my ego I'm only your pawn? I know that. I've given myself to you. You think letting me see everything laid out to me will cause, what? An epiphany? _What more haven't you taken?_

[Quieter] ...Or is it me? Maybe the Eye wanted to leave me to drown and I needed to gasp one final time before being pulled under.

Yes. That sounds… correct.

[The wind seems to pick up behind him. The creaking of the cabin is slowly drowned out. Tension builds in the air, as Jon slowly finds his words].

…

…We all strive to make our lives better. Whether this be immediate or simply to make our world more bearable.

I've known the truth since the beginning. There is no comfort left. There is no way to save this place. The monster lurks in the rotten corpse of this godless land and only he is left to see the parasites starve. It could have been different. If he had been less cowardly. If he had been more clever. If I had an ounce of self control and realized the mistakes I've made then maybe this nightmare could have ended.

But no. There is nothing left but a rotten cabin. Who knew despair could be so simple?

#the void writes #jonathan sims #the amazing written word #(seeks validation seeks validation)

[targaryenwriting]

Can you write something about Liv losing her title? Crazy Liv is the best Liv.

Hi, I'm so sorry, this kind of went in a weird direction, but I hope you like it? This is the first request I've filled so please be kind.

Gif credit @superkickparty

It was done. Just as quickly as it had started, Ronda had snatched it away from her. Liv’s nails carved red maps across her arms and neck as she headed through the winding corridors of the Wells Fargo Centre, superstars and stage hands alike avoiding her gaze as she passed. Her throat ached from the echoing screech she’d let out once she was through the curtain, and she longed for something to hold onto, to clutch to her chest the way she had done with her title for the last three months. It had become a part of her, a comfort amongst the chaos and, though she had had it stolen from her just minutes ago, she already missed the warmth of the belt against her waist and the cold metal of the side plates that bit into her skin when she held it too tight.

It had been her safety net - the one thing that kept her afloat when she’d felt like she was drowning. But now… 

Her skin felt cold, clammy to the touch, and the aches and pains that had gone almost unnoticed during the match seemed to hit her at once, as though just thinking of the time before her title win had brought the pain back tenfold. She’d hated being alone. Everything seemed tougher without someone by her side, someone to hold her up when it all got too much… Like she was the one who’d been consumed by darkness and not the other way around. But her title had made it all bearable, had put a smile back on her face… but Ronda had stolen that. She’d stolen her happiness. 

Liv kicked out, her boot connecting with one of the large trashcans, its paltry contents scattering down the corridor. As her hands fisted in her hair, she backed into a corner, slumping down when her back hit the wall. The blood rushed in her ears and she longed for it to stop, for everything to stop. She just wanted to rewind it all and go back to a time when it was just her and her title. Was that so much to ask? Yet here she was… alone and confused and, truthfully, she was scared. It was too much, too loud, and there was nothing to take the edge off anymore. Why couldn’t things just stay the same? Why did someone always have to ruin it for her? 

Willing herself not to scream again, Liv forced her fists into her eyes, determined not to cry. If only she could force everything away, to make Ronda hurt the way she did… 

The cacophony of laughter rang through the corridor, shocking the former champion. She had taken forever to find a quiet corner away from the performers, the stage hands, the arena staff and that annoying little witch Sarah Schrieber - she’d been so cruel, wanting to talk about how Liv had lost her title. She hadn’t lost it. It had been stolen - why couldn’t anyone else see that!? But the laughter didn’t sound like Sarah. It sounded like… Liv swallowed, pushing herself further into the wall. She couldn’t take that. Anything but them. 

“Did you see his face? Priceless…” Finn Balor’s voice boomed over the others, causing Liv to wince, shrinking backwards. He was a cheat, too, just like Ronda. He had lied to her, told her that she could trust him, that he would help her and AJ but he hadn’t… He’d left her alone. Just like She had. “What the fuck –” Though she couldn’t see them, she knew that the four of them were close, that they’d come to a halt nearby, no doubt surveying the mess she had made. Good, she thought, let them see.

She could hear them muttering, Finn putting up an argument of some sort, but she pressed her hands to her ears, trying desperately to drown them out. It was impossible to drown out Damian’s deep voice, booming out above the others. She’d once commented that she liked the way he spoke and had been teased mercilessly for that, resulting in her spending the whole Wrestlemania weekend being threatened with a phone call to Mr Priest. No. She couldn’t think about that. About Wrestlemania. About her. Not now. She pushed harder against her head, as though she could physically force the thoughts away. 

With her eyes squeezed painfully closed, she tried to take a deep breath. She could hear him speak now, saying he didn’t think something was a good idea… It would be a good idea for them to fuck off, she thought, wanting nothing more to be left alone. She had to work on a plan. Had to get her title back from Ronda. And she couldn’t do that while they were so close by. “Just go away. Just go away. Just fucking go away,” she muttered, almost shaking with the effort it was taking to remain calm. She had to do something, but she couldn’t. Couldn’t think with them so nearby… She needed them to go away. Needed her to go away. Just her presence was so loud. So mocking…

“I saw your match.” Liv knew better than to look up and see her former partner standing in front of her, no doubt glaring down at her. Mocking her. She always thought I was the weak link, Liv thought, shaking her head though she kept her eyes firmly shut. Always said I dragged us down but i didn’t… I was champion. I’m still champion. Ronda stole it. It doesn’t count. Everyone will see. Once I can explain, they’ll see. “God you’ve fucking lost it haven’t you?” 

Liv have let out a bark of laughter, finally looking up at the woman she’d come to care for, once. “I didn’t lose it. It was stolen. Ronda stole it,” Liv replied, nodding her head as she spoke.

The sneer she received in response almost made her recoil. Once upon a time, those blue eyes had been home to her, the eyes she’d always seek out in a crowd. They’d been beautiful, too, once. But now they were cold. Piercing. Calculated. Liv looked away, not wanting to deal with that. Not now. She had bigger things to deal with. “Whatever,” Rhea said, sounding bored. “But when you’ve come back from crazy town, me and the boys have a proposition for you. You know where I’ll be…” 

#liv morgan #Liv Morgan fanfic #Liv Morgan imagine #liv 4 brutality #liv x rhea #kind of #Liv Morgan angst #[ my writing ]

[fuesch]

Good news, everyone! I've finished the binge from hell (Criminal Minds).

What made it hellish was that I just could not stop. I don't know if it was also something about the show or just my out-of-control ADHD using this as an excuse to ignore my to-do list. And so this binge took under 2 months, which - FUN FACT! - is shorter than finding a doc these days to get an ADHD diagnosis from (the German healthcare system has such a good reputation, but honestly, shit's been going down the drain since before Covid - and I say that as a city dweller).

If you're wondering how my fragile mind managed to handle this non-stop input of murder and various forms of torture:

Ignore the cases or try to enjoy them as revenge fantasies.

Focus on the team and all the "Hey, I know you from this/that/everywhere!" guest stars instead.

Crochet while watching. I've made such progress, the first of my cherry-pit socks is nearly finished!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've properly watched TV: The season I'm most familiar with is 2! Since other factors hadn't come into play yet, I suspect what caused this was a deterioration in adhering to a schedule (hm, parallel with rl, so I guess due to not being bound by a rl schedule, I slowly lost the ability to keep up with the TV schedule) and my growing passionate hatred of annoying commercials which had led me to getting stuck on Nickelodeon (their ads were also annoying, iirc, but ... uh, idk, can't remember), a documentary channel and CNN (International, that is - such bearable commercials, they should be the model for all).

I liked all the women on the team, which must have been a first. I couldn't tell you a favorite, because every one of them is great in her own way. Let me point out Garcia though, for giving me back the joy of hair decorations. Huh, I thought not having NCIS's Abby in my life anymore didn't impact me, but Garcia made me realize that without Abby my encouragement was gone. Man, do I hate that I need continual encouragement to be myself! So there's another CM binge and the long-time-coming NCIS rewatch with making caps of my girls in my future. Maybe I'll make myself a motivational collage and hang it on the wall above my monitor.

Anyway, on to the team's men! *sigh* Those were mixed bag for me. I mean, nobody was really bad, but it did span the whole range of chest-thumping type (which ugh - although Morgan's relationship with Garcia remains the best thing, they were close and cute but not a thing and that's the queerplatonic shit I wanna see everywhere, fuck yeah!) to guy who's just, idk, there and the that's-my-boy guy. My boy was and still is Reid *pat pat*. And as a bonus during this binge he functioned as my Peter Maximoff substitute. He did that not only by being my fave, but for example also by having messy lightbrown hair. Which, sure, isn't Peter, but it is Evan Peters (I'd like to take this moment to thank the writers for all the Evans and Peterss they put in and the casting person for that one time we got actual EP), who usually is my PM substitute. Hmph, I didn't talk about Spence as much as I meant to, but where to even begin?

How did everyone feel about the revival? It wasn't bad, but it didn't quite feel like previous seasons. I'm not that good at finding out what is bothering me about stuff, so it might have been more things besides it feeling darker visually and too much swearing (I'm generally not against it, but after 15 seasons of it not being there, it just felt so out of place). I wasn't happy with the lack of my boy, but if there's one thing this revival did right, it was the absence of change in the meantime (except for what they put Rossi through), Reid as well as everyone else still worked at the BAU, we just didn't see him and Simmons because they were on assignment.

I kinda want to talk about ALL the things, but I wouldn't be able to remember all that I want and writing all that I do would take sooo long. So if anyone wants to talk about anything specific, I'm here.

#criminal minds #crochet #(rl stuff) #peter maximoff #evan peters

[cxnsiglixrx]

@garniers - I deleted the ask by accident sorry

Five letters he didn't send

Letter sent from LA - 24/09/1945

Dear Holiday,

Since I met you, that fateful day on set of 'The Grey Man', I could only think of two things. 'Can't she see where she's going?' and 'She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.' I was a complete ass back then, and it's perhaps too late to say but I'm sorry.

You've been on my mind to the point where I think I'm going crazy. You're the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing I think of when I fall asleep. Hell, I'm even dreaming you at his point. I just wish it wasn't so damn hard to tell you all this.

--

Letter sent from Milan, Italy - 11/07/1947

Dear Holiday,

Italy is about as boring as I thought it would be. The amount of times I've been lost in these streets is insane. Maybe it's just me. The sites are beautiful though. We went to some historical monuments when we weren't shooting. The movie is going great. So far so good.

But, I can't help but feel very lonely in these last few weeks. And I know why, because I don't have anyone to throw everything bagels at me. I miss you. Very much. I wish you could be here to see Italy with me, maybe then I could remember the trip in fondness. Remember it as something wonderful, instead of a work trip. You would make it all the more bearable.

--

Letter sent from Newark, New Jersey - 05/10/1947

Dear Holiday,

It really sucks that you couldn't come to New Jersey with me. Eh, who am I kidding? The place is a shit hole anyway. It's cold, damp and slippery. I hope that I can come back to Los Angeles as soon as possible. If I'm being honest, I miss you. Being away from you isn't something I'm fond of. There isn't anyone who gets on my nerves and makes me laugh expect you. Write to me when you can, and free me from this insistent boredom.

--

Letter sent from Newark, New Jersey - 09/12/1949

Dear Holiday,

You asked me once if I loved what I did. The standup, the acting. Did I love it? At the time, I said no but I really do in truth. I can't imagine my life without acting or standup. In a way, I believe myself to be born for entertainment, just like you. What you did today was amazing, it left me with my jaw on the floor. You have a talent that goes beyond dancing, and you need to use it.

I've seen the ins and outs of the industry, and how ugly it can be. Hence why I said I didn't love what I did. But you're gonna need to be strong, and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. You will see the benefits that your work gives you, the satisfaction of knowing that you made someone look at the theater screen in awe. And I will be admiring you through the whole thing.

If you fall, I will catch you.

--

Letter sent from Newark, New Jersey - 14/07/1951

Dear Holiday,

I haven't written to you in a while, and there's a reason for that. I simply couldn't bring myself to speak the truth. The truth that has been weighing on me for the entirety of the tour. When I saw you in your latest picture, I was proud. I was proud of you. You have come so far. In the moment of my pride, I realized something about myself. Something that I never thought I would feel for someone. I love you, Holiday. I love you. I love your smile, your laugh, your eyes, your hair. The way you explain things to me, the way you can keep up a conversation without it becoming awkward.

I find myself searching for you in the laughing crowds, or hoping that your watching my tour from home and laughing your ass off. Maybe it's foolish of to confess all of this in a letter, but then again, I was never the most organized person.

We'll talk about it when I come home.

--

One letter he did send

Letter sent from New York City, New York - 22/01/1950

Dear Holiday,

You may not know this about me, but I do standup comedy as well as acting. While I am in New York, and you are in California, it would mean a lot me if you could come. I can pay for the tickets to and back, np problem. Consider this as an apology gift for being an absolute ass to you, and for acting un-gentlemanly. And you can meet some of the other Hollywood schmucks here, and see the Big Apple. So please, come to my show in Carnegie Hall.

I hope that I make you die laughing.

Sincerely,

Lewis C.

P.S If not for me, do it for Cary Grant. He's a friend of mine and I'll introduce you.

#love behind the scenes: lewis & holiday

[filliteapot]

Apologies for coming to yout blog with my irl problems but your blog, tags and musings are so therapeutic to me. Sometimes I even find my myself crying at them. It seems my friend is drifting away from me. We used to write stories together and do RPG together but in 4 days it has been a year since we do either of those. Instead she has been writing with other people and doing RPG other people. When I suggest RPG she is either busy or is not just feeling it, last time I said that "let me know when the time is right for you, i will be there" and it has been two weeks since that. And she does not open up to my anymore, I have no idea what is going on her life, who all those new people in her life are. I feel like a fool for telling her about things happening in my life when she won't do the same, not even when I ask "how are you, are you okay" etc. after I find out via Instagram that something has happened to her. And many times she has not replied to my messages which also makes me feel so stupid. I hate being this dependant on this person. I wish I knew how to let go of her, I want to re-learn to enjoy being alone again.

Hello! To be honest I'm glad to know my blog has such effect on you, it's a good motivation to go on with talking in tags and being myself :D

I can't give you any advice (I do realize it's not what is asked of me), but I guess I can understand these feelings. As normal as it is for people to drift away and to connections to break, I do understand how much pain it can cause. This year I went through this too, with people I regularly talked about everything -- all of them had their reasons to go away and their own pain that pretty much caused this, but I was still hurt that none of them cherished our relationship enough to choose me in the end, or at least not treat me the way they did. Reaching out for the first time in my life didn't go well, so the worst thing that came out of this was that I lost something I always had: the comfort of being by myself and the interest to myself.

All I learned from this situation - it's useless to try keeping people by your side if their feelings or circumstances changed. And it's even more painful when they stay out of 'obligation' and 'trying to not hurt your feelings'. Tbh when people say 'fight for love/attention/friendship', I usually make a crooked smile and have but one thought: 'what for? not a chance'. The real fight is letting them decide what they truly want and let them go, and set yourself free of them (and some made-up 'obligations' to them) too. I've always loved the stories which explore the theme of letting go, and I guess now I saw their lessons work in real life: the thing I needed the most to get through this was time and space filled with me only. It was terrible to stay there alone losing the last crumbles of love to myself, and I'm still lonely and hurt, but I think I managed to set them free. Btw with time passing, some of them actually come back and try talking to you again, and it does feel weird. Not sure if I want to get closer with someone any time soon though, but it too shall pass.

Hope it gets better and more bearable for you too.

#replies #personal #i guess i now know what unrequited love feels like #not sure if my feelings were love but the unrequited desire to be 'a person' in someone's life is really hard to endure

[clairecrive]

hi! I just recently found your account and I've been spending all my time reading everything you've written, and I wanted to tell you that I absolutely adore your writing! it's so beautiful.

I also wanted to request a friends to lovers nikolai x reader fic (you don't have to make it friends to lovers if you don't want to!) something along the lines of this: they get seperated after the battle with the darkling at the end of siege and storm and reader has to go with alina but they finally reunite? and everyone is super smug because they knew it would happen.

sorry for such a long ask and no worries if you decide not to do it! I hope you're doing well!!

Fools, pistols blazing and shock

A/n: a promise is a promise and the second most requested fic was Nikolai and angst and so here it is! friends to lovers is not my favorite trope but I enjoyed writing this. I hope you will too x

Thank you so much for your beautiful words btw, they mean the world <3<3

tags: @jupiterandbutterflies , @agentsofsheilds , @for-bebbanburg , @randomoutsiders , @hannaxmaria , @vintagebitc , @story-scribbler , @crowssixof , @odetostep , @lizzie-he4rts , @korol-lantsov , @subjecta13-thefangirl ,@gallysonegoodlung , @a-c-lee , @mriddlemethis , @carnationworld , @thanossexual , @luvxginger , @sanna2020 , @partiesandblurrypolaroids , @edithsvoice , @wafflesandschemingfaces , @snugleo , @sugarmelonwater , @dobwhore, @sassybadqueen , @anything-forourmoony, @snokoi, @imaginingimagines, @vintagebitc_,

SHADOW AND BONE MASTERLIST

"So," he twirled around, "how do I look?" With a theatrical gesture, he stopped in front of you.

You looked at him, head to toe, before saying, "Like a fool I know."

He was imperturbable, by the smirk on his face one would think that you had paid him a compliment. "The answer was far simpler: handsome."

"You look like a prince," you conceded, " but so does your brother so take that as you will." And with that, you walked to your assigned post leaving a scandalized Nikolai behind.

The dinner went by smoothly even if you had to bear Vasily being his annoying self. So far so good. The important thing was that the people around the table were under no threat. The rest was bearable.

And no, it had nothing to do with Nikolai winking at you from time to time. Flirting was second nature to him and Alina's presence by his side was a cold reminder of how things were.

It took one look at her for your face to go as blank as Mal's on the other side of the room.

You had disconnected from the conversation at the table for a second, your attention going to the exit where a Grisha soldier had just walked in to talk to Zoya. If you had been paying attention to Nikolai, you would have known what to expect.

But you hadn't and so the next few seconds were pure chaos.

The unthinkable happened.

Black shadows filled the room, leaving no chance to the people they had appeared before. The Queen's scream brought your attention back to the table and consequently to the Vasily. Or rather, to what was left of him.

Beside him, the kind had crouched down to hide and was cowering behind the throne. The Queen clutched her son's body to her chest wailing and screaming. Then your eyes fell on him, standing tall in front of his parents shooting away.

You didn't know what you were going to do. You didn't think. You just acted and the next thing you knew, you were running towards him shooting fire at whatever tendrils of shadows you could see.

"Nikolai!"

In a moment, you reached his side, covering his back for every possible attack.

"You need to go," you urged him over the sounds of crying and shooting. A shot of light filled the room blinking you for a moment and panic shot through you at the possibility of Alina being hurt.

"Take your parents and Alina and go Nikolai. You can't stay here!" You insisted again, still back to back, unwilling to let anything happen to him. If he meant to argue you didn't know. You heard him speak but his words went unheard over the chaos in the room.

You turned around just in time to see one of those things trying to make their way to him. The tendrils of fire that shot through you slowed it down but it was only a shot of wind coming from a squaller that did the trick and sent it away.

Nodding in the squaller's direction you took Nikolai's shoulders and turned him towards the secret exit behind the throne.

"Stop playing hero and just go for Saint's sake!" Under normal circumstances, he was stronger than you. And well, he still was but too busy worrying about getting his family to safety and covering your back, he ended up succumbing to your shoves.

"I can't leave you here!"

"You can and you surely will! I'll make sure that Alina is safe," ushering him and his parents towards the exit, you didn't give him time to argue. Once they were through the door, you closed it behind them and melted the lock.

You allowed yourself only a moment to worry about him, to mourn him if things were to go downhill for you. Only a second for you to mourn the future that you knew you were never going to get with him.

Then it was over. Your heart locked away and your mind focused solely on the battle ahead. You needed to make sure that Alina was alive and get her to safety whilst also trying to save as many as you could along the way.

A piece of cake.

*+*+*+*+*+*

You knew that he had made it out of Os Alta alive. You had gotten word that he had arrived safe and sound to one of his hiding spots scattered around the country.

Alina and a group of other Grisha, including yourself, had managed to make it out alive out of the capital as well.

All was as well as it could be under these gloomy circumstances. And yet, you couldn't help but feel like you had lost.

Too many had fallen under the Darkling's wrath. Too many had given up their lives in honor of Ravka's freedom. Too many sacrifices for you all to be hiding in the tunnels like scared cats.

But you had a plan. You just needed to be in the same room as Alina, all of you at once, and you were going to make your way up.

It was only a matter of time before you were going to see him again.

*+*+*+*+*+*

It turned out that you were right. It was a matter of time indeed before you saw Nikolai again.

As always, he couldn't help but make a grand entrance while praising his good looks. For once, your eyes didn't roll in mock annoyance. The joy of seeing him again, safe and sound while also saving your asses, prevailed.

And the moment his eyes met yours? Priceless.

Despite being in the middle of running away and fighting the first army's soldiers, you felt like there was only the two of you. Nothing mattered besides Nikolai, his stupid smirk that shone brighter than all the stars combined.

It turned out that that moment came with a price indeed. Your distraction paved the way for an almost fatal mistake.

Too lost in Nikolai's eyes and restraining yourself from throwing yourself at him, you didn't notice the soldier sneaking up behind him. Or well, you didn't until it was too late.

The movement caught your eyes, but the bastard had his pistol already drawn. You had the presence of the spirit of pushing Nikolai out of the way before a shot was fired.

Focusing on the bullet you tried all your might to melt it, but you knew it was a desperate attempt since you had noticed it too late. Trying and losing was better than not trying at all so trying you did.

However, what turned out to be life-saving was Nikolai's counterattack. While you exercised the small science, Nikolai quickly drew his own pistol and shoot at the soldier.

Time seemed to slow down as you stared in front of him, hands in the air while Nikolai moved behind you. Right before your brain registered that while you had indeed managed to burn the bullet, it was still coming your way at high speed, another object entered your field vision.

At that moment you didn't exactly decipher what had happened, you blinked and the bullet was not there anymore. However, your stupor was short-lived as other soldiers were coming your way after hearing the noise.

At that point, Nikolai tugged you away and towards his awaiting ship knowing that the soldiers would surely outnumber you.

It all happened in a blink. One moment you were on the ground hellbent on not dying, and the other you were up in the air.

That, combined with the stress of the last couple of weeks. exhaustion and dehydration put you in a state of shock. Resulting in you staring numbly ahead of you.

Then, when you felt a hand on your face, your brain started working again and your eyes slowly began to focus.

"Are you injured?"

Nikolai was moving your head left and right to check for wounds and after that, he moved down on your neck and vital points. But you weren't hurt.

"It's so typically you to swoop in and save the day in the most dramatic way possible that I shouldn't even be surprised."

Your sarcasm reassured him that you were fine more than the absence of physical wounds. Leaning back on his haunches, he gave you a lazy smirk. "You know me, always read to save damsels in distress."

You almost hated how handsome he looked in that moment but the fact that he basically had saved your life made it really hard for you to get mad at him.

"Not a damsel and not in distress but I appreciated your gesture," you fired back falling naturally into your usual easy banter. "Thank you, Kolya."

"You shouldn't be thanking me. I did it for a whole selfish reason." His features morphed into seriousness which was usually something he left for meetings or that kind of stuff. Seeing it now directed at you, seriously worried you.

"Since when does Nikolai Lanstov shy away from gratefulness and compliments?" You tried to jest but to no avail.

"I'm serious."

"Alright, so why did you do it? You have tons of other Grisha available."

"Because a world without you is not a world I want to live in."

Well, damn. Trust Nikolai to make you completely speechless.

"That must be the shock talking," you murmured still taken back by his words.

"I've almost lost you, y/n, I'm not going to waste any more time avoiding my feelings." Crossing his arms on his chest, Nikolai lightly shook his head. Damn, there was no smirk on his face, no twinkle in his eyes. He must be serious.

"I should be having an epiphany moment since I was the one who almost died," you protested.

"Feel free to declare your undying love for me then."

"Ass. Now I'm tempted not to do it just to prove you wrong," you glared at him but sighed knowing what you needed to do. "But, as much as it pains me, you're right."

Your eyes flickered between yours and the sheer intensity of them gave you enough confidence to bear your heart to him, "I do love you, you know."

"Well, let's be honest, who wouldn't. I'm amazing," with a careless shrug, Nikolai gestured to himself. Which, of course, made you glare at him.

"Joking, I take it back. You're insufferable." Your mock-annoyance did nothing but amuse him to no end. However untruthful they might be, Nikolai played along with your words. While also progressively leaning closer to you.

"Nope, can't do that love. You signed your destiny, you're mine." You would have retired, of course you would have, but the truth is, his lips were more interesting than any witty comeback ever could.

#nikolai lanstov #nikolai lantsov x reader #grishaverse #nikolai lantsov imagine #shadow and bone #nikolai lantsov imagines #nikolai lantsov fic #nikolai lantsov fluff #nikolai my love #nikolai lanstov angst

[horrorxweasley]

Can you do a Fred smut with the smut prompt 3 where like they’re just friends and the reader jokingly says his dick is small and it leads to ... things?

Hi lovely, here it is 

Warnings: Smut, Swearing! size kink, Dom/Sub dynamic possibly? Corruption kink, praise kink, belly bulge

Word Count: 1.4K

Prompt(s) used: none

Summary: Y/N jokingly says Fred has a small dick and well, she may or may not regret having said that

Masterlist

Is that so?

Fred Weasley x Fem! Reader

Y/N and Fred had been best friends since before they could properly remember. They never left each others side, and were always a nuisance in classes to the point where they have been both told to leave the room because they were laughing too much. 

Y/N had over the past year or so, developed thoughts and feelings about Fred that she couldn’t shake off. He was everything to her, he made her laugh, cheered her up when she was sad, comforted her when she cried and on top of all that, he was extremely good looking. 

She knew that Fred only looked at her like a sister, which hurt her at first, but even though she still has a crush on him, it’s a lot more bearable now she has found better ways to distract herself like going to the library more than she often did, so she didn’t have to spend hours with Fred. 

Today however, Fred has forced Y/N to spend the whole day with him to make up for lost time. So they were currently sitting in Y/N’s private prefect dorm talking and laughing. Mainly insulting each other but hey, that’s what best friends do after all. 

“You’re so small, I need to get stuff down for you from the top shelf” he laughs 

“Yeah well speaking of small, you’re dick is small” she retaliates 

The laughter died down and Y/N could see that Fred’s eyes went dark. Not with hate, no, but with, lust? She can’t be reading into his expression properly there was no way that Fred Weasley was looking at her with lust in his eyes. 

“Is that so?” he smirked slowly moving towards her

Y/N could swear she audibly gulped, the way his eyes burned into her was extremely arousing. Y/N backed up slightly as they were now at least only 2 inches away from each other, they were looking each other dead in the eye and Y/N bit her lip slightly. 

“Yeah, I've never seen your dick but I reckon it’s tiny” she smirked feeling brave enough to test the waters of their friendship

“How about I show you just how wrong you are little girl” he practically growled pushing her onto the bed causing a yelp to fall from her lips. Before she could say anything Fred’s lips were on hers, kissing her hungrily, Y/N didn’t hesitate to wrap her arms round his neck, pulling him further down onto her as their tongues battled for dominance. 

Fred pulled back rubbing his hands down her sides “are you ok with this” Y/N nodded her head “yes, please Fred” 

Fred dived his head back down sucking on her neck and biting slightly leaving marks, moans fell from Y/N’s mouth at the new sensation.

“Fuck Fred” she moaned as he sucked on the sweet spot of her neck. Fred smirked pulling away

“You like that princess? m’gonna make you feel a whole lot better” he took off her top and unclasped her bra, taking her nipple in his mouth, massaging the other with his hand, before trailing open mouthed kisses down to her lower stomach where his fingers toyed with the hem of her trousers. Looking up at her  for consent to pull her leggings off, once he gets the go ahead from Y/N he pulls them off along with her panties, leaving her to lie completely naked on the bed. She can feel Fred’s eyes drinking in her naked body, his hands move across every possible area of her body. 

“So pretty princess” he mumbled still taking in the beauty of his best friend “but now I'm gonna show you that you’re wrong about my dick princess, get on your knees” he growled the last part of the sentence causing a tingling feeling to erupt in Y/N’s stomach as she got off the bend and kneeled in front of Fred. 

“Go on, take them off” 

Y/N hesitantly brought her hands up to the hem of Fred’s trousers pulling them down along with his boxers, allowing his dick to spring free. Y/N’s eyes went wide at his size, she gulped down the saliva that had formed in her mouth, nervous as to how exactly he was going to fit in her. She wrapped her hand round his shaft, stroking it up and down slowly, earning a groan from Fred. Building up the confidence she takes him in her mouth, hollowing out her cheeks as she bobbed her head. 

“Fuck princess, taking me so well, look at you, can barely fit me in your mouth but you’re doing so good for me” 

Y/N moaned at his praise, causing Fred to become closer and closer to his release. The tip of his dick hitting the back of her throat caused her to gag, but it was like music to Fred’s ears as she felt him twitch in her mouth.

“Gonna cum” he moaned as he released straight down her throat, forcing her to swallow all of it. Y/N pulled off his dick gasping for air, Fred’s hand came down and cradled her head stroking her hair out of her face “done so well darling” he cooed, Y/N looked up at him, taking in his now apparently shirtless figure, his toned abs and pale freckled chest made him look ethereal, she was practically drooling at the sight of him. 

“now princess, are you ready for me? think you can take me?” 

“yes, please need it Freddie” she whine 

Fred placed her on the bed and climbed on top of her taking no time to capture her lips in a sloppy yet loving kiss, he began to grind his hips onto hers, causing both of them to moan at the friction. 

“Please Fred, need you so bad, hurry please” Y/N whined bucking her hips craving more

“My, my, princess, such a needy little slut aren’t you, you sure you can take me, you’re so small” he slipped two of his fingers into her dripping core “so tight too, I don’t think you’ll manage it” he said as he began pumping and scissoring his fingers inside her. The lewd wet noises filling the air. Fred pulled his fingers out her as he felt her clenching round them, and stuck them in his mouth savouring the taste of her juices. 

“Taste so good princess, now I'm going to ruin your pussy, got it?” 

Y/N only nodded her head, which earned a slap on the thigh from Fred

“Use your words princess”

“Yes, please ruin my pussy Fred” 

Fred began to swipe his tip through her folds gathering her juices for lube, before easing himself into her entrance with a moan. Y/N could feel her walls stretching at the size of him, she had never taken anyone this big before. She could feel tears threaten to fall from her eyes from the pleasurable sting. 

“Look at you, are you crying princess, what’s wrong my dick too big? not so small now am I? say it princess” 

“Y-you’re so big Freddie, so big, not small at all” she cried as he sheathed his full length inside of her. He began to slowly thrust in and out of her, both moaning at every movement, Fred looks down and notices a bulge in Y/N’s stomach showing his dick destroying her insides. This makes Fred pick up his pace, smirking to himself. 

“look at that, so small I can see myself destroy you princess” he groans thrusting harder and deeper, Y/N’s moans now becoming louder as he hit her g-spot. 

“F-fuck Fred, right there, faster please” 

Fred’s pace quickened creating more pleasure for both as he could feel her walls squeeze round him signifying that she was close to her release. 

“y’gonna cum princess, go on, cum round my cock” he growled leaning down sucking on her collar bone, as she released her juices all over him. Y/N swears she seen stars as her eyes rolled to the back of her head when she came. 

“Fuck, princess, I'm gonna cum, gonna fill you up” 

With one final thrust, Y/N could feel Fred shoot his release inside of her, as he buried his face in her neck. 

Fred pulled out of Y/N with a hiss, and laid on the bed next to her. 

“That was- amazing” she panted 

“yeah, so, is my dick small?” he asked with a mischievous grin turning to look at her

“far from it, reckon I won’t be able to walk tomorrow” she laughed

They both leaned in, kissing each other lovingly. 

“Y’know, I've liked you for so long” he said as they pulled away

“I’ve liked you for ages too Freddie” she smiled

“What do you say then, wanna be my girlfriend?” 

“Yes of course I do”

Taglist: @amourtentiaa @love-peachh @pens-and-roses @rosietoesy @comfortwriting @famdomhideout @dracofknmalfoy @pandaxnienke @writing-wh0re @escapingrealitybyreading (MESSAGE/ASK IF YOU WANT TO BE ADDED) 

#george weasley #fred weasley #fred and george #george weasley x reader #george weasley fanfiction #george weasley imagine #fred weasley fluff #fred weasley x y/n #harry potter #fred weasley masterlist #fred weasley smut #fred wealsey fic #fred weasley fluf #fred weasley angst #george weasley smut #george weasley fluff #harry potter smut #weasley twins smut #weasley twins

[shadowkat678]

Okay so I don't know if this is particularly good advice? But it usually works for me so I'm passing it on to you.

If you hate what you look like right now, just fucking. Change it up! I've found that a haircut always makes me feel better, either that or dying my hair. I was feeling kinda fucked up before I gave myself whatever weird tradgoth mullet I have going on right now. But now that I have a haircut that I really like, I'm like, starting to feel better about the rest of my appearance. And there have been many times when dying my hair just made everything more bearable for some reason.

I usually recommend changing up your hair because it's one of the easiest things to change about your appearance and can be done relatively cheaply and at home. But there are also lots of other options!

I have perpetually greasy face because uuuh idk Worm hates me or something but I have it mostly under control with a basic skincare routine. I do just like, noxema pads, mandelic acid, coconut water spray, and then a moisturizer. It's only like 4 steps but it really helps.

And then there's things like clothes and makeup, and other various things. The main thing is to just fuck around, try some things out to see if they help. When you're feeling down about your appearance it's easy to just kinda, give up? And let yourself get kinda narsty because you're sad. So it's important to just remember that all hope is not lost! A little bit of self care can make a huge difference!

I hope literally any of this helps lol if not I hope you can find something else that works for you <3

Yeah, I've really been wanting to do that for myself but only just now getting a job has made that hard with clothes and stuff. I actually just went ahead and bought some hair dye two days ago because I think I need to do something like that, and it got here today so I'll probably try that and pay it off with my first paycheck.

Do you have any tips on cutting hair on your own? Cause I've never done that. My family always had me go out and get my hair done by a hairdresser because no one in my family could cut particularly straight...and they didn't really listen when I told them I was fine with that and didn't really like how it got cut there anyway. (There's a gay joke in there somewhere) I'm hoping now that I'm going to have an income I can actually get some nice stuff for me to help, like new outfits because most of mine don't fit well and definitely don't help when I pass the mirror. I'm also really hoping to get a better fitting binder because recently I've realized that yeah I'm not cis. I don't know if I'm trans or nonbianary but I know some days things are fine and other days I'll catch sight of myself in the mirror and just shrivel. I was never taught how to do makeup and again money has been an issue, but I think I'd like to try it.

I probably should do something to keep my face cleaner too, so that might be something to start looking into and what you listed seems fairly simple there.

Thank you for all the advice. I just kinda feel blah right now and hopefully it can get a bit better soon. <3

[toscrollperchancetomeme]

Lestat de Lioncourt - A playlist

So, guess who made a Lestat Playlist (like there aren't enough already) and decided to sit down for 4-6 hours to find some excerpt corresponding with each song? Featuring 80s and 90s music (clearly showing my age...) as well as many european songs and showtunes. Enjoy!

1. Cathedrals – Ramin Karimloo (Original by Jump, Little Children)

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome There is a feeling that you should just go home And spend the lifetime finding out just where that is

And that was not a good year for me. I was wandering aimlessly. I was sick of things. I was furious with myself that the „beauty“ of life wasn't sustaining me, wasn't making my loneliness bearable.

I wanted to join them. Always do want to join them and never do. „Go home,“ he whispered. - Prince Lestat

(I actually feel like there are quotes that would correspond to this song in every one of the books and indeed have not yet found any other song that captures the general spirit of The Vampire Chronicles as perfectly.)

2. Edge of Seventeen – Stevie Nicks

Well, I went today Maybe I will go again tomorrow Yeah yeah, well, the music there Well, it was hauntingly familiar Well, I see you doing what I try to do for me With the words from a poet and a voice from a choir And a melody, and nothing else mattered

He sat next to me, hugging me and asking me why I was crying, and though I couldn't tell him, I could see that he was overwhelmed that his music had produced this effect. There was no sarcasm or bitterness in him now. I think he carried me home that night. And the next morning I was standing in the crooked stone street in front of his father's shop, tossing pebbles up at his window. When he stuck his head out, I said: „Do you want to come down and go on with our conversation?“ - The Vampire Lestat

3. I ain't scared of lightning – Tom McRae

No I ain't scared of lightning And thunder never killed I was born in a summer storm and I live there still

I wasn't part of the world that cringed at such things. And with a smile, I realized that I was of that dark ilk that makes others cringe. Slowly and with great pleasure, I laughed.

And the labor that brought it forth was rapture such as I have never known. - The Vampire Lestat

4. Junge Roemer – Falco (Young Romans – Full Translation)

Don't ask for new old values See white light, see only feeling The night is ours till morning We play every game Don't ever let this journey end The doing comes only from the being Only from dimensions, that Are worth illusions and sensations Give me more, give me more, give me more...

... and again she laughed. „Ah, but we are splendid devils, aren't we?“ „Hunters of the Savage Garden,“ I said. „Then let's go into Paris,“ she said. - The Vampire Lestat

5. Running up that hill – Candy Says (Original by Kate Bush

If I only could, I'd make a deal with God, And I'd get him to swap our places, Be running up that road, Be running up that hill, Be running up that building,

„Not even with Nicolas?“ „No, god, no!“ I looked at her. She nodded slightly as if she approved of this answer. „Why not with Nicolas?“ she asked. I wanted this to stop. „Because he's young,“ I said, „and he has life before him.“ - The Vampire Lestat

6. Florence – Notre Dame de Paris (Full Translation)

The little things always triumph over the large And literature will kill architecture The school books will kill the cathedrals The Bible will kill the Church, and man will kill God This will kill that

„I never lived in it. I push against the glass. But how do I get in?“ „I can't tell you that,“ I said. „You have to study this age,“ Gabrielle interrupted. Her voice was calm but commanding. He looked towards her as she spoke. „You have to understand the age,“ she continued, „through its literature and its music and its art. You have come up out of the earth, as you yourself put it. Now live in the world.“ No answer from him. Flash of Nicki's ravaged flat with all its books on the floor. Western civilization in heaps. - The Vampire Lestat

7. Go your own way – Fleetwood Mac

Loving you isn't the right thing to do How can I ever change things that I feel

If I could maybe I'd give you my world How can I when you won't take it from me

You can go your own way You can call it another lonely day

„Keep your promise,“ she said. And quite suddenly I knew this was our last moment. I knew it and I could do nothing to change it. „Gabrielle!“ I whispered. But she was already gone. - The Vampire Lestat

8. Désenchantée – Olympe (Original by Myléne Farmer - Full Translation)

If death is a mystery Life isn't exactly tender If heaven has a hell Then heaven can still wait for me Tell me how to handle this headwind Nothing makes sense anymore, nothing's fine

Laughter. That insane music. That din, that dissonance, that never ending shrill articulation of the meaninglessness... Am I awake? Am I asleep? I am sure of one thing. I am a monster. And because I lie in torment in the earth, certain human beings move on through the narrow pass of life unmolested. - The Vampire Lestat

9. A kind of magic – Queen

The bell that rings inside your mind Is challenging the doors of time It's a kind of magic The waiting seems eternity The day will dawn of sanity

And quite completely I understood that it was looking for me, this sound, it was seeking me out.

Blood like light itself, liquid fire.

It seemed beneath the roar of the flow he spoke. He said again: „Drink, my young one, my wounded one.“ I felt his heart swell, his body undulate, and we were sealed against each other. I think I heard myself say: „Marius.“ And he answered: „Yes.“ - The Vampire Lestat

10. La quête – Bruno Pelletier (French version of „The Impossible Dream“ from Man of La Mancha)

To try when your arms are too weary To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest To follow that star Ooh, no matter how hopeless No matter how far

I would remain in New Orleans if New Orleans could only manage to remain. Whatever I suffered should be lessened in this lawless place, whatever I craved should give me more pleasure once I had it in my grasp. And there were moments on that first night in this fetid little paradise when I prayed that in spite of all my secret power, I was somehow kin to every mortal man. - The Vampire Lestat

11. Wicked Game – Chris Isaak

What a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you

Yet Louis gained a hold over me far more powerful than Nicolas had ever had. Even in his cruelest moments, Louis touched the tenderness in me, seducing me with his staggering dependence, his infatuation with my every gesture and every spoken word. - The Vampire Lestat

12. Do I disappoint you – Rufus Wainwright

Do I disappoint you, in just being human? And not one of the elements that you can light your cigar on Why does it always have to be fire? Why does it always have to be brimstone?

„And suppose the vampire who made you knew nothing, and the vampire before him knew nothing, and so it goes back and back, nothing proceeding from nothing, until there is nothing! And we must live with the knowledge that there is no knowledge!“ „Yes!“ he cried out suddenly, his hands out, his voice tinged with something other than anger.

And then I sensed it. He was afraid. Lestat afraid. - Interview with the Vampire

13. Ordinary World – Duran Duran

What has happened to it all? Crazy, some'd say Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday There's an ordinary world Somehow I have to find And as I try to make my way To the ordinary world I will learn to survive

I do not remember when it became the twentieth century, only that everything was uglier and darker, and the beauty I'd known in the old eighteenth-century days seemed more than ever some kind of fanciful idea. - The Vampire Lestat

14. I'm still standing – Taron Egerton (Original by Elton John)

And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use And did you think this fool could never win? Well look at me, I'm coming back again

But after the third night up, I was roaring around New Orleans on a big black Harley-Davidson motorcycle making plenty of noise myself. […] I was the vampire Lestat again. I was back in action. New Orleans was once again my hunting ground. - The Vampire Lestat

15. Catch my fall – Billy Idol

I have the time so I will sing, yeah I'm just a boy but I will win, yeah Lost song of lovers, fellow travelers, yeah Leave me sad and hollow out of words

It could happen to you so think for yourself If I should stumble, catch my fall, yeah

I've survived, obviously. I wouldn't be talking to you if I hadn't. And the cosmic dust has finally settled; and the small rift in the world's fabric of rational beliefs has been mended, or at least closed. I'm a little sadder for all of it, and a little meaner and a little more conscientious as well. - The Queen of the Damned

16. I want it all – Queen

I'm a man with a one track mind So much to do in one lifetime (people do you hear me) Not a man for compromise and where's and why's and living lies So I'm living it all, yes I'm living it all And I'm giving it all, and I'm giving it all

It is not enough any longer that my little rock band be successful. We must create a fame that will carry my name and my voice to the remotest parts of the world. - The Vampire Lestat

17. Let me entertain you – Robbie Williams

Hell is gone and heaven's here There's nothing left for you to fear Shake your arse come over here Now scream

I'm a burning effigy Of everything I used to be You're my rock of empathy, my dear

So come on let me entertain you

"I AM THE VAMPIRE LESTAT!" I shouted at the top of my lungs as I stepped way back from the microphone, and the sound was almost visible as it arched over the length of the oval theater, and the voice of the crowd rose even higher, louder, as if to devour the ringing sound. - The Vampire Lestat

18. La bien qui fait mal – Mozart l'Opera Rock (Full translation)

I can feel a violent urge I feel like I'm sliding towards the ground If I don't find out where this plague is coming from I adore having it under my skin Bewitched by mad ideas Suddenly all my cravings take off The desire becomes my prison Until I loose my mind

Yet I was in her arms in this chilling darkness, in the familiar scent of winter, and her blood was mine again, and it was enslaving me. When she drew away, I felt agony. - The Queen of the Damned

19. Tainted Love – Soft Cell

And you think love is to pray But I'm sorry I don't pray that way Once I ran to you Now I'll run from you This tainted love you've given I give you all a boy could give you Take my tears and that's not living, oh

„What do you think I am that I am so easily swayed? I was born a Queen. I have always ruled; even from the shrine I ruled." Her eyes were glazed suddenly. I heard the voices, a dull hum rising. "I ruled if only in legend; if only in the minds of those who came to me and paid me tribute. Princes who played music for me; who brought me offerings and prayers. What do you want of me now? That for you, I renounce my throne, my destiny!" What answer could I make? - The Queen of the Damned

20. Dancing in the Dark – Ruth Moody (Original by Bruce Springsteen)

They say you gotta stay hungry Hey baby, I'm just about starvin' tonight I'm dyin' for some action I'm sick of sittin' 'round here tryin' to write this book I need a love reaction Come on now, baby, gimme just one look

"I want you to put the book aside and come join us," he said. "You've been locked in here for over a month." "I go out now and then," I said. I liked looking at him, at the neon blue of his eyes.

"Do you love me now?" I asked. He smiled; oh, it was excruciating to see his face soften and brighten simultaneously when he smiled. "Yes," he said. "Want to go on a little adventure?" My heart was thudding suddenly. It would be so grand if- "Want to break the new rules?" "What in the world do you mean?" he whispered. - The Queen of the Damned

21. I want you – Savage Garden

Oh, I want you, I don't know if I need you But oh, I would die to find out

"You don't think you'll be back?" he asked. "I think you will, whether I call or not." Another little surprise. A little stab of humiliation. I smiled at him in spite of myself. He was a very interesting man. "You silver-tongued British bastard," I said. "How dare you say that to me with such condescension? Maybe I should kill you right now."

I thought of David Talbot's face, and that moment when he'd challenged me. Well, maybe he was right. I'd be back. Who said I couldn't come back and talk to him if I wanted to? - The Queen of the Damned

22. Lay your hands on me – Bon Jovi

I'm a fighter, I'm a poet, I'm a preacher I've been to school, oh baby, I've been the teacher If you show me how to get up off the ground I can show you how to fly and never ever come back down

I sat down on the bed beside him. And then I bent down and kissed his face again gently, as I had in New Orleans, liking the feel of his roughly shaven beard, just as I liked that sort of thing when I was really Lestat and I would soon have that strong masculine blood inside. I moved closer to him, when suddenly he grasped my hand, and I felt him gently push me away. „Why, David?“ I asked him. He didn't answer. He lifted his right hand and brushed my hair back out of my eyes. „I don't know,“ he whispered. „I can't. I simply can't.“ - The Tale of the Body Thief

23. 20th Century Boy – Placebo (Original by T-Rex)

I move like a cat, charge like a ram Sting like a bee, babe, I wanna be your man, hey!

He drew back with a speed that astonished me, cleaving to the wall. „Don't do this, Lestat.“ „Don't fight me, old friend. You waste your effort. You have a long night of discovery ahead.“ - The Tale of the Body Thief

24. Way down we go – KALEO

Oh, Father tell me, do we get what we deserve? Whoa, we get what we deserve And way down we go

„In chains, to my friend and my scribe, I dictated these words. Come with me. Just listen to me. Don't leave me alone.“ - Memnoch the Devil

25. Personal Jesus – Depeche Mode

Reach out, touch faith

"Don't tell me," Gabrielle said slurringly, "that it's a matter of faith." She sneered and shook her head. "You come like doubting Thomas to thrust your bloody fangs in the very wound." "Oh, stop, please, I beg you," I whispered. I put up my hands. "Let me try, and let him hurt me, and then be satisfied, and turn away." - The Vampire Armand

26. Papillon – Editors

Darling Just don't put down your guns yet If there really was a God here He'd have raised a hand by now Now darling You're born, get old, then die here Well that's quite enough for me We'll find our own way home somehow

"And if I spill my blood down into this coffin now," Lestat asked her, "what do you think will come back? Do you think it will be our Louis that will rise in these burnt rags? What if it's not, chérie, what if it's some wounded revenant that we must destroy?" "Choose life, Lestat," she said. - Merrick

27. Sunday Light – Choir Boy

Why, why, why, are you silent on the ride home? I'd love to see the temple with you Heavenly and bright, golden angel twisted scathing You were one of us, one of us, one of us, you were one of us

"Then come, Little Brother, take me to where you want to talk," he said, and I felt the soft squeeze of his fingers on my arm. "Why are you so kind to me?" I asked him. "You're used to people being paid to do it, aren't you?" he asked. - Blackwood Farm

28. Für mich solls rote Rosen regnen – Hildegard Knef (It should rain red roses for me - Full translation)

It should rain red roses for me All wonders should encounter me The world should rearrange itself And keep its worries to itself

I want to be a saint. I want to save souls by the millions. I want to do good far and wide. I want to fight evil! I want my life-sized statue in every church. I'm talking six feet tall, blond hair, blue eyes- Wait a second. Do you know who I am? - Blood Canticle

29. Constant Craving – K. D. Lang

Even through the darkest phase Be it thick or thin Always someone marches brave Here beneath my skin And constant craving Has always been

I was hunting, thirsting though I didn't need to drink, at the mercy of the craving, the deep agonizing lust for heated pumping human blood. - Prince Lestat

30. Kalte Sterne – Jan Ammann (Cold Stars from the musical Ludwig² - Full translation)

Get up, ride home, on your horse, through your land Across the morning with your reins trailing behind you Build a castle like a dream, build it with mighty hands And it shall be named „future“

Build a castle like a dream Up from the ashes and close to the heavens Build a castle like a dream And realise the future as king

If we wanted to survive, if we wanted to inherit the millenia […] then we had to meet the future with respect as well as courage and count fear and selfishness to be small things. - Prince Lestat and the realms of Atlantis

31. C'est une belle journée – Mylene Farmer (Full translation)

I'm going to bed To bite eternity With my mouth wide open It's a beautiful day

And I felt the cold numbing shell of alienation and despair which had imprisoned me all of my life among the Undead – I felt that shell cracked, broken, and dissolved utterly into infinitesimal fragments. - Blood Communion

32. Princes of the Universe – Queen

Fly the moon and reach for the stars With my sword and head held high Got to pass the test first time, yeah I know that people talk about me, I hear it every day But I can prove them wrong 'cause I'm right first time

„I know that you meant full well to bring Rhoshamandes down, of course you did. But you had no way of knowing that you could. And no one would have predicted that you could. And with the willingness to die, you gave yourself over into his hands... and you disarmed him and destroyed him.“ – Blood Communion

And finally, because I can, a bonus track:

33. Primadonna – MARINA

And I'm sad to the core, core, core Every day is a chore, chore, chore When you give, I want more, more, more I wanna be adored

#the vampire chronicles #vampire chronicles #fandom playlist #lestat de lioncourt #prince lestat #prince lestat and the realms of atlantis #interview with the vampire #the vampire lestat #the vampire armand #memnoch the devil #the tale of the body thief #merrick #blackwood farm #blood canticle #blood communion #louis de pointe du lac #david talbot #marius de romanus #nicolas de lenfent #vc #tvc #iwtv #Spotify