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glazelilyy · 3 years

Text

drunken words are sober thoughts (I)

pairings (separately!)- diluc ragnvindr, kaeya alberich x gender neutral reader

word count - 5411

genre - hurt/comfort, angst

format - drabbles

warnings - very self deprecating thoughts in kaeya's, heavy alcohol consumption, drunken behavior, vomiting, crying, removal of some clothes (no sexual implications whatsoever), skinship

summary - after separating from you, whether it was on amicable or less than amicable terms, he finds himself crawling back to you in a drunken stupor and hoping that you'd take him into your arms again, and you know that you've missed him just as much

a/n - i haven't noticed how much i incorporate drinking into my writing despite never having tasted a drop of alcohol before myself :P i'll stick with my apple juice for now, but wooo pain! (i might make a part two to this [either continuing these drabbles or using new characters], but i'm not quite sure yet hehe :P) hope you enjoy!

disclaimer - i want to note that no one should ever make you feel as though you have to take them back, regardless of if they're drunk or not. you have your own pride that needs to be maintained and respected and that should always come first!

the weight of the alcohol pressed heavy against his tongue.

whether that odd feeling was foreign or not, he didn't particularly care. all that mattered was the mind numbing sensation that the sweet, amber liquid brought with it.

the bar's air felt dense around his tight knit shoulders, wound from days of ceding to the overwhelming thoughts that anchored his shipwreck of a brain down to grainy, pudgy sands that drew him further underground. the thoughts that weighed the heaviest were of you: your laughter, your vivid and radiant smile, the tinges of mirth that lined each of your teasing remarks or genuine compliments, the sheer, honey-like warmth of your love. but, most of all, he remembers the end, and it's an end that saddened him in ways he never thought possible.

how he longed to pick up a feathery quill and rewrite the end of the passage; a new ending in which there is no ending, where he never left you standing alone, or pushed you past your limits far off the edge of any stony cliff. a continuation, where you'd be wrapped up in his love and warmth and one in which he'd wrangle down any stars that should catch your eye.

but he knew better than to force your hand and play pity on a drunken fool. he knew this and yet his unsteady feet had enabled the memories lined within his muscles to carry him out of the bar's doors and on the familiar path to your house.

moonlight bathed his sunken form in an ethereal glow, and yet he's never felt so far from angelic. the claws of regret had sunken their sharp, crimson talons into the soft, fleshy bits of his skin and he welcomed with open arms repentance for his words, said or unsaid, and his actions, committed or not.

before he knew it, his bleary eyes found purchase scrambling for semblance at the familiar foot of your door and though the small, rational part of his brain knew that no part of him was worthy to stretch his hand out to meet you in the middle again, the alcohol that blurred lines between the grooves of his brain allowed just this once for the id to overtake the ego just as his knuckles fell quietly against the thick wood of your door.

character-specific drabbles utc!

diluc could never handle his alcohol well. a single glass of red wine would have him slumped over in a corner somewhere, sleepy smile on his face and cheeks flushed a pretty, lush crimson to match his firey locks. it was largely the reason he avoided the shrill taste of the very same liquid poison he'd brew for others.

the single memory of a drunken diluc was one you were sure to never forget, which is why you came to the conclusion that you had been so caught up in your reminiscing that the subject of your thoughts had appeared at your doorsteps in a hallucination. surely this diluc, whose eyes drooped with an invisible weight and whose cheeks were flushed a familiar yet unfamiliar pretty pink, wasn't the master diluc who avoided alcohol like the plague, surely not, right?

his body slumped to the side, seeking the wooden doorway as a brace for his sagging body to lean on. still clad in his day clothes, he appeared completely fine if not for the flush of his face, the midnight crescents under his ruby eyes, and the sag of his usually kept ponytail; the ribbon dangled loosely over his shoulder from whatever wild locks it managed to contain within its grasps. his breaths were heavy in his throat and though his eyes threatened to shut firm, the peeps of striking red peered back at you with an undeniable flame that it seemed not even he could quench.

"diluc?" curious were your eyes that searched for meaning within his. his lips parted to respond but his body timbered forwards like a lumbering tree before a single word could slip by. your arms braced for just a moment before the weight of his body pooled into your grip.

your feelings swirled in tsunamis all around your mind and heart, yet you didn't have the will to leave him all by his lonesome on your doorstep even if you no longer adorned the title of his lover. though you couldn't deny the obvious biting thoughts that ate away at you: just what was he doing at your doorstep of all places?

with heavy grunts and labored breaths, you slung his arm over your shoulder and led him to a nearby couch where he all but collapsed, face smushed like a child's into the cushiony pillows. you snorted halfheartedly; diluc was always a sleepy drunk, but the light in his eyes told you that his mind was desperately fighting against the urge to slip into that comfortable, dark oblivion of sleep.

just as your legs moved to shut the front door, the warmth of his hand encircled your wrist and halted your movements.

"stay..." he slurred as he shifted his face outwards from the soft fabric of the pillow to peer up at you with pleading, ruby red eyes that glimmered with an unknowing emotion and flickered the colors of fireworks illuminated by the crackling fireplace.

your heart twisted and turned in the cavity of your chest at his words and you felt compelled to melt under his gaze and travel back in time when you were known as "my love" to him instead of simply just "(y/n)".

"i'm just going to close the door and get you something to drink, i'll be right back." you cooed just above a whisper and did your damndest to ignore the muffled whine he let out as his fingers left the softness of your wrist.

after shutting the front door and pouring some crisp, cool water into a tall glass, you found yourself crouched in front of his drowsy face, eyes still persistently open despite the obvious dark circles that hung from his beautiful eyes and the fan of alcohol on his breath.

the glass hovered in front of his face momentarily before he understood the silent cue and pushed himself up on wobbly arms away from the warmth of the couch.

"careful-!" you warn, rushing to support his body with your strength just as he was about to plummet back down into the fabric of the couch.

with your help, you manage to get him sitting upright and held the glass to his chapped lips, ushering him with gentle childes to take careful sips. despite not having touched him in so long, your hand moved instinctively to rub gentle circles along the small of his back as the water ran down his throat in rivers.

the silence that had once been lingering now remained a threat in your ears that pounded and vibrated with every one of his shaky breaths. your heart caught itself somewhere along the thin line of your throat as you fully processed that diluc was here again. it had only been a short while since you parted ways and thought the parting was amicable and civil (much too civil to the point where it felt like a business deal in your mind), the pain that lingered in your heart in the aftermath had never subsided and seemed to pulse and shake violently when his head drooped to the side and landed on your shoulder.

diluc, on the other hand, could barely form a coherent thought. he'd been drinking heavily after shutting himself in his office for the day and flitting through paperwork to ease the gnawing sensation that grappled his stomach with every thought of how distraught you looked when he suggested to stop seeing each other. but what else was he to do? for a man crystallized in amber, stuck in the past with no way out, his heart had been pierced by every attempt of yours to convince him that he was worthy of love, and loving. a man who had tried so hard to part the seas of his schedule for even a sliver of a moment with you, he realized he had failed the minute he came home one late night to hear your hushed cries of sorrow from beyond his bedroom door.

no, he truly didn't deserve someone as kind and patient as you, and so he let you go with a heavy heart. "this is what's best for them," he told himself as he helped you pack your things and gave all of his handkerchiefs for you to wipe your eyes and blow your nose with. he'd never let you see the rivulets of tears that poured from his eyes the minute your figure disappeared beyond the horizon, far away from his neglectful touch.

and so he found himself hunched over at angel's share's counter with an empty stomach that soon began to fill with the vile poison he so bitterly hated. yet alcohol was the only thing that numbed the gnawing in his stomach and placated the wolves in his heart. even with the tingles that spread throughout his body, he still found himself right back where he started.

diluc's warm breath mumbled out a string of incoherent words against the skin of your collarbone just as a strand of his thick locks fell in front of his face. against all your will your fingers tenderly tucked the loose strand behind his ear and lifted his chin so his eyes connected with yours. if he leaned any closer, he'd taste the familiar saccharine drop of your lips.

"why are you here?" you asked, voice feathery and lighter than air.

you'd never seen diluc shed a tear, exactly how he'd prefer it to be. but upon the well of his eyes at your seemingly innocent question, he knew he could hide his tears from you no longer. the dam had broken and given way to reveal the soft, fleshy part of his heart that he had concealed with iron cages and bars so long ago. the first of his tears streaked downwards and slipped off from the tip of his nose before a barrage followed and his rivers expanded into oceans of sorrow and regret.

there was no denying the hurt that diluc had put you through, and yet the love for him that you had set aside, carefully wrapped in a simple red box and tied with a shimmering, golden bow, had begun to unravel with every sob and muffled cry, or wordless grip of your clothes from your former lover. the guilty monster in him began to wrangle and push against the contraction of his stomach and hissed as your arms wordlessly came around his shaking body, and held him close against your aching heart.

"y-your kindness...i-i'm not w-worthy of it..." his feeble voice laced with emotion stammered out, face hidden in the crook of your neck like a small child as he hiccupped the last of his sobs into your skin.

"i know you're drunk, but don't say such nonsense," you gently chide him and smooth over his ruffled locks with gentle motions, "whether it be from me or anyone else, you're always deserving of kindness, diluc."

a sparking sensation erupted from the spot in his hair where your fingers had been and sent tingles throughout his body. though his mind had wandered on late nights, it never truly hit: how much he missed you. your warm laugh doused in sugar, your kind touch and gentle words, and the soft feel of your lips on his. how he missed you, all of you, so much.

" 'm sorry...for pushin' you away...not...being there...for...you."

you'd never expected to hear the very words you'd longed for from the man who still had you wrapped around his pinky. his choked words were hardly a resemblance of the man who seemed so devoid of emotion when he severed ties and cut down your title as his lover in the most business-like manner. yet even with his shortcomings and the time that had passed since you parted ways, you never truly moved on.

"we can talk about this in the morning, okay?" you hummed despite the burning sensation that pierced your eyes crinkled in mirth. you'd long since caged the tears from your parting behind thick, concrete dams that you prayed he'd never bear witness too, but it seemed that prayer was in vain upon the first streaks of tears that cascaded down your face.

he cradled your words like a newborn baby; his actions truly weren't alright in his mind and yet you so warmly opened your arms to him despite all he'd done to you. you were willing to give him a chance and that was all he needed.

"come on," you sniffed and dragged the soft sleeve of your shirt against the back of your watered eyes, "let's get you more comfortable." you rose from the couch and crouched in front of him to rid him of his boots in an attempt to get him more comfortable.

but his tears seemed to be ceaseless and your gentle, feather light touch brought to light how ungrateful, neglectful, emotionless he'd been. with each boot you removed, another memory of your sullen face contrasted with your beautiful smile would pop into his head and he'd find himself at a loss for words. your hands shed him of his thick coat and slid the tight, dark grey vest from off of his torso.

through bleary eyes masked with salty tears, your fingers wrapped around the charcoal, silk ribbon in his hair and with only a very light tug, his crimson locks came undone and fell in waterfalls upon his shoulder and in front of his flushed face. his hair still felt as soft and downy as the underbelly of a baby bird; bouncy and fluffy, you were met with little resistance when your fingers carded through his locks.

with every single one of your warm touches, he felt himself succumb to the ache that you were no longer his, even if you looked at him and treated him as though you were.

"(y/n)." he croaked out in a hoarse whisper, hand outstretched to you as if you'd fade from his drooping eyes should he take them off you for even the slightest moment.

you managed a weak smile and set his boots and coat aside to focus your attention on him. "yes?"

he was so sleepy, so tired, but he begged for even just a minute more of consciousness as he fought against the invisible weight that pressed down against his eyelids. he leaned forwards and gently took your hand within both of his and captured your gaze within his own like a moth to a glimmering flame.

"i will w-win your....love....again...i-i want to...be worthy of you...and your love." his words came out clumsy and slurred but they resonated in the chambers of your ears clear as the sharp string of a violin.

his hands felt like the burning walls of a furnace and seemed to hum with vigor and passion that you hadn't seen spark in his lovely eyes for what seemed like a millennia. your hearted swelled two sizes too big for the small confines of your chest as your free hand overlapped his and bathed him in the warmth of your light.

relief coursed through his veins and let loose the buckles and restraints that had been keeping him upright. diluc succumbed to the warm embrace of unconsciousness and slumped forwards, where your arms were waiting: ready for him for fall into your embrace and win back a heart that already belonged to him.

it took a lot to get kaeya inebriated to the point where his words began to stitch together and his charming persona would wither away into quietness and solemnity. it was the very reason why he'd drink until only his feelings were numb and mind fuzzy with the sweet taste of bliss; too much, and he'd fall into an abyss where his thoughts would consume him and leave him feeling like a shriveling, cold shell of himself (and that was never good for gathering information, now was it?)

it took a lot to get kaeya inebriated, which is why you found yourself at a loss for words when you opened the door and came face-to-face first with the unmistakable waft of alcohol, then the empty, sullen look on the infamous captain's face. you knew how well kaeya could handle his alcohol; a few bottles of dandelion wine and he'd be standing upright and conscious enough to be able to beat even diluc at chess.

but the kaeya who stood in front of you wobbled on his two feet, arms gripped onto the wood of the doorframe in an attempt to stay upright. no flirty one-liners or charming remarks in hand, his visible eye found yours and seemed to communicate with the bitter silence and only the faint chirp of crickets in the dead of night.

"kaeya? why are you here?"

he couldn't answer your questions even if he wanted to. that stubborn part of himself that mangled around the cages of his heart wouldn't allow you to know the turmoil he'd dogged himself through: the thick layer of mud he willingly jumped into as penance for what he'd done to you. his beautiful, crystal eye trained itself numbly on breach between the warmth of your home and the frigid cold of the outside. he was now exactly that: an outsider, and the one to blame was himself.

"...didn't know where else to go." was all he offered in a voice that sounded like it had sailed far away from his reach.

the anger you held towards him had simmered down to sorrow and a small, pulsating core of regret. your break up had been rotten and fueled by stress and arguments, and though it hurt to recall the names he had spewed at you from the very same lips you kissed good morning and good night each day, the words you had said in retaliation turned the contents of your stomach upside down.

but the threat of such an argument seemed not to be present when kaeya appeared to be less of himself than he usually was. an empty husk, a cold, void of nothingness, he allowed you to lead him by the arm inside and watched as you locked the door.

"come here, sit. you need to sober up." you ordered, trying to keep the waver in your voice from surfacing as you brushed past him and pulled out a chair from your dining table.

his wobbling legs found their way to their seat, praising relief once he plummeted downwards and found solace on the chair. you hastily swiped away at the budding tears that had found their way to poke and prod at your eyes as you hovered over your sink and waited for the glass to fill with water. your mind drifted to his face, devoid of emotion or any semblance of the kaeya you knew you loved so much. his eyes had dulled to a faint mauve instead of the lovely, vivid lilac he usually sported. so lost in your thoughts, you watched over and over again as the water spilled over the rim of the glass and floated downwards along the sides while your mind enveloped itself in a flurry of thoughts.

tossing your feelings aside, you emptied a bit of the water and turned the tap off before turning around and setting the glass in front of him.

"here, drink some." you ushered with a warbled tremor in your voice.

kaeya stared blankly at the tall glass of water as if it were a foreign object that his eye could not perceive. he limply looked up to you with his lidded eye and an expression that you couldn't quite place, though if you tried you'd guess..."confused", would be the first thing that comes to mind. you had forgotten: he often became quite disoriented when heavily drunk, and yet despite this his feet had carried himself all the way to your door for a purpose, right?

you shoved the thought aside and pulled up a chair to sit beside him, taking the glass into your hand and bracing the back of his head with your other hand as you gently tipped the glass towards his lips. kaeya swallowed generously before tapping your forearm twice, signaling you to yield your pursuit of his hydration.

he couldn't bear to look you in the eye, not with the guilty swarms of black ooze that engulfed him and swallowed him whole, nor the tendrils of regret and self resentment that saw that he'd never see the light of day again.

he'd been playing the day he left you over and over again in his head, wondering why he just had to succumb to the monsters that raged wars in his stomach and spew such dirty lies to your face. he didn't care that you called him a "selfish bastard" or "lying prick", because to him such words were of the utmost truth. selfish bastard, lying prick, selfish prick, lying bastard, they were all so true in his head. you deserved much more than he could ever offer, because what could he ever truly offer to you? his raging alcoholism? the wealth he didn't have? a chance at stability? to him, he was worth nothing, nothing at all.

"hey," you started, dipping your head a little to make eye contact with him, "talk to me."

he hadn't realized his body was unconsciously shriveling in on itself until he registered the dip of your head and the slight dangle of your shirt.

kaeya, devoid of his usual layers of charm, seemed little more than a confused child whose eye had lost its sparkle of mirth and cunningness. you hesitantly placed your hand over his and silently urged him to talk.

he opened his mouth to say something, anything that would give him even a sliver of a chance at winning your love back, but instead what resurfaced was a bout of black slime and ooze that had been swimming in his stomach from the moment he screamed those vile words and left you standing alone. he gagged on the vile air and hurriedly stumbled from the chair, rushing to where he remembered the bathroom to be.

all of himself came out in heaves just as his knees hit the tile of the bathroom. the ceramic bowl began to fill with all of his regrets and the liquid poison he'd willingly swallowed as penance for his sins. he knew so well that he deserved every bit of this pain; there was no room within himself for compassion or love, only destruction and suffering.

but even as he spewed out his insides, he felt the softness of your hand rub circles into his back and your other hand push aside his cerulean locks from the carnage. such simple gestures had his heart swollen and bursting and it was enough to smash through the glass panes of the dams behind his eyes. tears streamed down his face as he choked on his heaves and sobs, fingers gripping the rim of the toilet seat as if he'd fade away into nothing if he let go.

your heart twisted and contorted as you watched him slump forwards, exhausted and empty in mind, body, and soul. the toilet flushed downwards with his innards, bidding him goodbye yet remaining embedded deep within his heart.

"oh kaeya..." you mumbled and scooped him into your arms. you knew you couldn't stay mad at him for long, and with how his clumsy feet had found their way to your door, you knew his anger had all but dissipated as well. you planted a soft kiss on the crown of his hair and wiped away the sweat from his brow and the tears from his eye.

"let's get you cleaned up, okay?" he had no strength to respond, but the slight nod of his head was all you needed. you asked him once more if you could remove his clothes, to which he once again gave a limp nod and watched through bleary eyes as you peeled away each layer, each buckle and each belt of his clothes. his periwinkle cape and dust matted scarf found their way into a corner of your bathroom until he sat in nothing but his boxers on the lid of your toilet.

you turned to exit the bathroom to retrieve a pair of spare pajamas he'd left behind one too many nights when his hand caught your wrist, grip tight and desperate, laced with words that he wasn't sure he could say right now.

"please...don't leave me..." he pleaded, voice uncharacteristically weak and devoid of its usual teasing mirth and warm afterglow.

your heart had been scattered into pieces when he so viciously called you horrid things and severed your ties with an angry sneer on his face, but you were sure the look of desperation on his face coupled with the break of emotion in his voice and the tight grip on your wrist was enough to re-shatter your broken heart.

"i'm not-" you paused to clear your throat and be rid of the emotional crack that threatened to invade its way into your words, "i'm not going anywhere, just gonna get you some clothes, okay?" you allowed yourself to submerge beneath his depths and wander close enough to hold his teary face within your hands.

"...wanna come..." he mumbled, tugging your hand as if asking for permission.

you let out a warbled, strained laugh and brushed away the tears from your eyes as you nodded. kaeya refused to let go of the warmth of your hand, even as you padded with gentle and patient steps towards your bedroom and picked out the pajamas he'd left behind so many nights ago, still neatly folded and placed beside yours. you ushered him to sit on the edge of your bed and helped him step into the feet of the soft, cotton pajamas while he fumbled with the shirt, ultimately needing your help after getting the arm holes mixed up with the neck hole. you bit back a smile and fixed his shirt, tugging it over his head so that his head and its fluffy locks popped out on the other side.

"there you are, gorgeous." you cooed with a small smile and raked a hand through his silky locks.

kaeya was never one to shy away from intimacy, but being so inebriated he could hardly hide the flustered look on his face from your prying eyes.

you led him back to the bathroom, hand in hand, and had him sit once again on the toilet seat while you prepped a toothbrush. the minute you turned your back from him, kaeya's hand reached around to unclasp the eyepatch from his head. the fabric fell into his hands like water and nearly slipped through his fingers if not for your quick reaction time.

you'd never seen kaeya without his eyepatch, but you really wished he'd shown you sooner. his hidden eye was so beautiful; it sparkled as if it contained within it millions of galaxies, stars, and constellations. golden pupils peered back at you from within a midnight, inky sclera. you ran your thumb over the imprints on his skin left behind by his eyepatch before you whispered, "beautiful."

a sober kaeya would've taunted and teased you for how much you babied him right now, but he remained quiet and obedient as you gently scrubbed away the bits of alcohol and carnage from his mouth with the bristles of the toothbrush. he allowed you to wipe the froth from his lips and lead him to your bed, hand in hand as per his request, where he all but melted under the covers of your silken sheets and watched as you placed a bucket by the side of the bed.

"in case you wanna puke again." you dryly chuckled and shrugged your shoulders, before pulling up a chair and sitting by his bedside.

"what are you doing?" he asked, propping himself up on his elbow to sit upwards.

"sitting with you until you fall asleep, which you should be lying down for." you gently chided as you rose from your seat and placed your hands on his shoulders to urge him to lie back down.

"wait," he reached a hand out to stop the pressure on his shoulders, but suddenly felt so vile and disgusting for making you touch someone as vile as him.

but there was an odd ability you had to somehow read his thoughts, and you quickly shut them down by guiding his hand into yours. "you wanna talk?" he nodded in response and shifted over weakly so you'd have room to sit by the edge of the bed.

"can i hug you?" you asked, rubbing your thumb over the back of his scarred knuckles.

his heart lurched in his throat at the mere, simple words. he's no stranger to intimacy but the mere offer of a hug had his heart doing backflips. his arm tugged you forwards so you sat in his lap and allowed his strong arms to wrap as tight as he could around your body while you did the same, fitting together like a puzzle piece that had been yearning for reconciliation.

like a gentle rainstorm in spring, you felt the first drop, then two, then ten as he freely cried into your shoulder and pressed the back of your head into the crook of his neck. any closer and you'd become one with him.

"i'm so sorry...for everything. i d-didn't mean it, any of i-it." he sputtered out between muffled cries, fisting your shirt into his hands.

"it's all my fault..." was the line that had you ripping your head away from his neck and looking him dead in the eye much to his dismay.

he could hardly maintain eye contact, too ashamed to even face you head on until your hands gently cupped his face and turned his head to face you.

"kaeya alberich, look at me." you ushered in a firm yet gentle voice when his eyes darted around the room, drinking in each corner and crevice; anything that wasn't you.

the soft pads of your fingers gently pinched his cheeks in retaliation, and you felt your heart swell when his beautiful eyes finally fell upon you.

"it's not all your fault, i was wrong too. you weren't the only one yelling, i said things i didn't mean either." you finalized your words by taking his hand and placing it on the thin fabric of your shirt that separated him from your skin. under his touch he could feel the palpitating beat of your heart thunder under your skin.

"this heart beats for you, you know? take some responsibility." you lightly joked and cracked a teeny smile for him. you hadn't expected his eyes to well with an ocean's worth of tears nor for him to draw you back close into his arms again and spread his tears along the shoulder of your shirt.

"i-i can't...i'm not worthy, i have n-nothing to offer you-"

"i don't need anything from you, kaeya," you coo and rub your hand up and down the line of his spine, "just yourself and your love is worth more than riches and jewels or fame."

your words felt akin to a dream to him rather than reality, for how was it possible that someone so kind and loving as you could welcome a monster into your home and your heart. he realizes he must have voiced this thought aloud when you shake your head and pull away from his grip for just a moment to hold his face in your hands.

"you're no monster, kaeya," you breathe, taking the time to tuck some of his locks behind his ear, "you're a human, a man, and you're a man who deserves love. and though we'll fight sometimes, it doesn't ever mean that my love for you will waver."

he takes a shaky breath against your skin before speaking next, "can i still be yours?"

your eyes crinkle in mirth as you caress his face and turn his gaze towards you, "you never lost me, pretty boy."

date published: september 18th, 2021

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sharkboygirlish · 3 years

Text

Messy.

ONE-SHOT

Word count: 2793

Disclaimer: One piece and all it’s characters belong to Eiichiro Oda, I just like to write about them.

Warning: None

Rating: T (i guess?? there’s cursing)

Author’s Note: Whale, this is the first fanfic I’ve posted on the interwebs since high school so please keep that in mind, lol. I do plan to finish it sooner than later so check back in a few days if you want to read the rest, sorry I don’t have it all done right now. At long last it it FINISHED.

Feel free to tell me what u think! Unless it’s mean, then I ask that u keep those thoughts in ur noggin because I’m just writing these for fun not for grades.

Without further ado, here ya go.

Author’s Note pt 2: So i didn’t end up going the smut route like I originally planned, but I think it worked out better bc this one got nice and Emotional.

Summary: Zoro really shouldn’t agree to be Nami’s drinking partner if he wanted to keep their friendship from getting... Complicated.

__________________________________________

The moon was floating high in the night sky when Nami wandered onto the deck, unable to sleep even after a few hours of sketching.

She wanted company – specifically, she wanted the company of the crew’s resident alcoholic. It only took a few minutes to find him on the lawn deck with his back against a tree and his eye closed. ‘How typical.’

Nami smiled a small, excited smile as she strode over to him and squatted between his parted legs. An unconscious sigh left her nose as she swept her gaze up and down his face. She caught herself thinking, ‘He really is easy on the eyes isn’t he.’ ....again.

Who was she kidding? She’d been thinking the same thing every time she looked his way lately.

Two years ago she’d been able to keep the immature crush she had on him locked tightly away but somehow - it had gotten out and was slowly consuming her entire being.

Nami hoped he hadn’t noticed how often she invited him to drink with her because she didn’t think she could handle being rejected. So she settled for spending time alone with him whenever and however she could.

“Hey, moss-head,” the navigator said finally, leaning in to squint at him, “Are you asleep?”

He had literally just settled down for a nice cat nap when the navigator appeared suddenly to interrupt him. ‘Damn. What the hell did she want now?’

Instead of answering, Zoro chose to ignore her and pretend like he was deep asleep. ‘Why won’t she go bother someone else?’

Nami started prodding his cheek with one finger to rouse him if he really was sleeping, ”Zorooo wake up, I wanna drink,” she whined and his eyelid opened instantly.

‘Why’s she so damn pretty..’ was the first thought he had when he realized that she was a lot closer than he’d anticipated.

He mentally chastised himself after, trying to remind his id that Nami had never once indicated that she wanted to be anything other than friends and he should respect that.

But… There was no harm in looking from time to time was there? And she was pretty. She’d always been... ‘Oh for fuck’s sake, now he sounded like Sanji. He needed to get a grip.’

“Helloooooo,” Nami waved her hand in Zoro’s face until he snapped back to reality and snatched her wrist up, pulling it away. He scowled but it wasn’t deep, and now he was refusing to look her in the eye. “What was that about, huh Zoro?”

“Nothing.” The swordsman replied perhaps a little too quickly to avoid suspicion, “Thought I heard a noise, doesn’t matter – oi, didn’t you want to do something?”

He couldn’t remember what exactly it was. He’d been so distracted by the way her bangs framed her face and sometimes got caught in her eyelashes—’Damnit! He was doing it again.’

Nami smirked again but didn’t press the subject anymore. She’d do that later once they started drinking. “Weren’t you listening to me? You’re so rude, maybe I should find someone else to share my booze with.”

Was it a good idea to go drink with Nami when he kept catching himself thinking about feelings that he’d been suppressing for the last two years? Probably not…

But he couldn’t just decline an opportunity to get buzzed. ‘And... Maybe he wanted to get buzzed with Nami, specifically.’

Zoro scoffed, mostly at himself. “Quit playing games, damnit, do you want me to drink with you or not?”

“You’re so stubborn,” The navigator teased with a pleased smile that made his heart beat unevenly, “I could care less if you join me, but you’re not allowed to come unless you say you’ll be nice.”

“Nami. I am older than you, quit treating me like a fucking child or I swear-”

“That’s no way to talk to a lady who’s getting you drunk for free, Roronoa Zoro. If you can’t be nice then I’ll just add the cost of everything you drink to your debt and-”

Zoro didn’t have time to ruminate over the way hearing her say his full name made him shiver because he had to shut her up before she did charge him.

“Okay, okay. I’ll be... nice.” He hissed through gritted teeth and her answering giggle made his pulse flutter. He had to fight to keep himself from smiling. ‘What the hell was going on with him tonight? Was he sick?’

“Good boy,” she turned and started walking towards the Sunny’s aquarium bar, glancing back over her shoulder to make sure he was coming.

“Don’t push your luck, woman.” Zoro snarled to mask his confusion over the sudden need to touch her that he felt scratching at the back of his head. He really shouldn’t agree to be Nami’s drinking partner if he wanted to keep their friendship from getting... Complicated.

He knew it, but he followed her up the stairs all the same.

* * *

“Why d’you always want to drink with me anyway, witch?” Skeptical of her intentions, his narrowed eye fixed itself on Nami as she approached him holding two maroon tinted bottles. She offered one to him and he accepted it – but he didn’t let his guard down yet.

Zoro lowered his gaze to check the label out, whistling long and low when he read 23% alcohol per volume. A couple puzzle pieces clicked together in his head ‘Oh, that’s why. Because if she tried to drink this with anyone else they’d pass out after two glasses.’

“Would you believe that I just like hanging out with you?” Though her tone was teasing she was actually being genuine, she had a lot of fun with him whenever they went out.

“No–“ He paused when Nami kicked him in the shin hard enough to make him swear. Reaching down with his free hand he rubbed the sore patch of skin and glared daggers at his crewmate. “What the fuck was that for?!”

“You said you’d be nice, Zoro! So be nice or I’ll charge you a hundred thousand beris for that bottle.” Nami uncorked hers but waited to hand the corkscrew over until he behaved himself. The look he was giving her would probably frighten a small child but she didn’t flinch.

‘This was his choice.’ He reminded himself. Of his own free will he chose to get drunk with Nami instead of napping, and that meant dealing with her bossiness no matter how much he loathed it. ‘Sometimes he just wanted to grab her by the shoulders and make her shut up, there were better things her mouth could be doing anyway-‘

“Why do you keep staring at me like that, do I have a zit or something?”

Zoro sat up so fast that he banged his shoulder on the underside of the countertop. ‘What the hell was that? What the hell was wrong with him?’ He hadn’t even opened the damn bottle and he was already making himself look like an idiot.

“No,” the swordsman grumbled, wracking his brain for a believable excuse, “Just thinking about how I’ll owe you money even after I’m dead if you keep charging me for bullshit.” That made her laugh and Zoro cursed himself for how much he liked hearing it. “Don’t see how it’s funny for me, witch.”

Nami let him take the corkscrew from her, eyes crinkled with amusement while he opened his bottle. “You’ll just have to stay alive until you pay me back in full, I guess!” She trilled before taking a long, heavy drink from hers.

“Yeah?” Zoro snorted before mimicking her and downing about half of the wine in the container. It tasted disgusting, which he’d expected, but that didn’t make the bitter aftertaste any less miserable. His nose wrinkled slightly as he set the bottle down. “I bet even if I did try to pay you off you’d find a way to charge me more.”

“You make me sound so heartless,” the navigator batted her eyelashes innocently, pretending to look hurt, “Why would I ever do such a thing?”

“Hah.” He scoffed before chugging some more wine and failing to keep track of how much he was drinking each time. “Because you want to keep me on a leash since I don’t throw myself at you like that dumbass cook.”

An impish smirk crawled it’s way onto Nami’s face that made him immediately regret what he’d just said. ‘Fuck. Damnit!’

“So…” She began slowly, savoring every second that the swordsman spent avoiding direct eye contact with her, “You admit that you are one of my lap dogs?”

A muscle in his jaw flexed and he stopped drinking for one second to grunt, “That’s not what I said.”

“That’s what I heard!” Chimed Nami as she rose from her seat, stepping over to Zoro and tracing a finger under his jaw while he drained the last few drops of liquid. “I should get you a collar, so people know who to bring you to when you get lost.”

Normally he would have snapped at her for poking fun at his sense, or lack thereof, direction but he wasn’t listening to her. She’d come close enough for him to pick up her scent and maybe it was the alcohol intensifying his feelings, but it was suffocating him in a good way.

He loved the way she smelled. Tangerines from her soaps mixed with salty seawater and traces of sunscreen. A hint of orange blossom, but only when she was close to him like this.

Zoro inhaled deeply through his nose and, without realizing it, his expression melted into something affectionate and gentle. ‘In two years she’d changed in so many different ways… but she still smelled the same. She still smelled like home.’

* * *

“What are you thinking about, Zoro?” Her voice void of it’s usual teasing tone, Nami’s curiosity was piqued by his sudden shift in demeanor. He looked soft and peaceful, like he didn’t have anything to worry about. She wanted to know why.

‘Ah, fuck.’ What was he supposed to tell her? That he was thinking about how good she smelled? ‘Yeah right.’ Zoro was quiet for a while, mulling over his words until he came up with an explanation that didn’t sound as creepy – but also wasn’t a lie.

“I guess..” he finally murmured, his gaze shifting to meet hers, “It’s just been a while and… I was thinking about how nice it feels to be back here, with everyone…” a brief pause then he added, “I missed you guys.” ‘Look at him being all gushy and emotional, this wine really was something else.’ Zoro reached to brush his fingertips by her temple, catching a stray lock of hair and tucking it behind her ear, “I missed you.”

When had Zoro ever been this honest with her about the way he felt? Never was the answer, but now he seemed to trust her well enough to know she wouldn’t spill his secrets. Nami took his face in both of her hands, surprising him, and pulled his head down so she could kiss his forehead. “I missed you too, Zoro.”

Something about hearing her say that she’d missed him too broke a dam in his chest that he’d been trying to keep together for two years. Hormoness flooded through his bloodstream quicker than Zoro could even process them and before he knew it he was practically throwing his arms around Nami’s waist and crushing her against his chest.

“Nami—” he pressed his face into her neck to hide the tears that he couldn’t hold back anymore. Sober he might have cared about losing it like this around her but she was here and… ‘He just – needed to hold her.’ Hold her and smell her and feel how real she was because she had almost been taken from him.

‘He’d barely begun to process what he had been through on Thriller Bark when they were attacked in Sabaody. If he tried to think back on it his memories would get hazy and his bones would ache from their very cores. He knew what had happened but it’s like his brain was protecting him from understanding how close to death he’d come. Then – to be torn away from the people he loved with all of his heart? Who he had just nearly killed himself to protect?

It had ripped him apart and rubbed salt into every wound. And it fucking hurt. The same kind of pain he felt when he saw Kuina dead on the floor of their dojo. He was scared, he was furious, he was devastated – all over again but this time it was so much worse. So, so much worse.

That was why he had trained so hard over the last two years. Because he couldn’t bear the grief that came with loving them so deeply – so he got stronger. And stronger. And stronger. No matter the cost to his body, he would become powerful enough to defeat anyone who crossed them. Then… He would never have to feel the agony that he did when he first woke up on Kuraigana Island ever again.

Taking on all of Luffy’s suffering in Thriller Bark had been the most physically painful experience of his entire life – but that was nothing compared to how much it hurt to think that his friends were gone forever, that he hadn’t been able to protect them.

Training made it easy not to think about what had happened -- but now he was home, and they were safe - and he was realizing just how close he’d come to losing all of them. At once. And he could do nothing to stop it.’

Startled by him grabbing her, Nami was prepared to give the pirate a good smack if he was getting handsy but… He started trembling. ‘Was he not feeling well?’ Her mouth opened to form the question then stopped. His breathing hitched while his entire body jerked and she realized…

‘Zoro was crying.’

Roronoa Zoro, who prided himself on his strength, was sobbing wretchedly into her neck. ‘He must have been holding this in since Sabaody.’ Nami’s heart ached for him and his stupid pride that forced him to torture himself instead of letting him cry like he needed to. She’d been expecting him to crash at some point, how couldn’t he? Even someone as strong as Zoro was still a human being.

One of her arms cradled his head while the other wound round his shoulders, her fingers combing gently through his hair. “Oh you sweet, sweet boy…” she spoke in the tone that Bellemere used to use when Nami and Nojiko were frightened by a passing thunderstorm. It always calmed her, maybe it would calm Zoro, too.

‘Quit fucking crying you loser you’re supposed to be a man.’ But he couldn’t, he literally could not stop because he was trying to. “I wasn’t strong enough,” his voice quivered at the edges and he hated it. ‘He was definitely never going to drink this kind of wine again ever. Not if it turned him into a blubbering mess like this every time.’

“Shhh, no. No. Don’t you dare try to blame yourself for what happened. Hey, look at me.” Nami urged his head off her shoulder and cupped his face in both of her palms, “None of us were strong enough, okay? Not even Luffy.” Each tear that fell she tenderly swept away with the pad of her thumb. The corner of her mouth turned up as she assured him, “But we are strong enough now. We can take care of each other. Nothing is ever going to tear us apart again, Zoro.”

‘She was right. Of course, she was right. He needed to have faith in his crewmates and his captain. They could do anything as long as they had each other.’ His breathing slowly evened out as he focused on anchoring himself back to reality. He wasn’t in Sabaody or Kuraigana – he was on the Sunny. In the bar, with Nami who had grown so much since he last saw her. The look in his eye softened like it had before his breakdown.

“You’re staring at me again, Zoro.” The navigator teased, her hands falling to rest on his shoulders. He hadn’t let go of her yet but she didn’t mind, he could hold on to her for as long as he needed.

A ghost of his usual smirk passed across his face. “Sorry, Nami…” Zoro took a little risk by leaning in to press a chaste but lingering kiss to her cheek, then traced a path with the edge of his nose to her ear, murmuring, “Wine makes me a little… Messy.”

#zona #zonami #zoro x nami #zona one-shots #zoro nami fanfiction #zonalove #zoro x nami fanfic

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spacedikut · 3 years

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omg spacey do u have any advice for writing spence D: this is my first time writing for him, and its a super angsty one but i literally js realized that i have no idea if he's in character or not and i ADORE ur characterization of spence and i was js wondering if u have any quirks or shit that u keep in mind (besides talking w the hands and licking lips thingy) THANK YOU SO MUCH BABE, I ADORE YOU <333

firstly u hype me too much thank you endlessly may i refer u to people whom i believe have his characterisation down to a science: homoose, ellesgreenaway, idmakeitbehave

but! there are several things i keep in mind when writing spencer:

the season of spencer youre writing about!! early seasons spencer is the reason the word Anxiety exists and so in an angsty setting i think it would take a lot for him to..snap? he’d internalise almost all of it until the absolute last moment or a moment of real finality. whereas older spencer is still Spencer but with this…confidence? surety in who he is? there’s still stumbling and rambling and Hands but he’s more prepared for any repercussions that may come, whereas younger spencer believes avoidance is the way to go always <3

mid seasons spencer is a confusing mixture of both he fluctuates and it’s daunting - it can go either way

i also watch compilations of him on youtube to remind myself of the way he speaks in hopes i can hear him talking in my head and see if my dialogue sounds clunky coming from his mouth? like. i can’t imagine spencer going let’s fuck this party up!!! but i can imagine him saying. let’s try to have a good time guys :)

remember he is..genuinely good. unless reader or someone has done something that has deeply hurt him (think jj after emily’s death) spencer is Good through and through. if he believes he’s in the wrong he will feel TERRIBLE. he will beat himself up constantly and it will be Sad, whereas if reader has hurt him i think depending on what they did and what season of spencer youre writing will impact how he reacts - if reader Fucked Up then spencer can be snappy. if reader accidentally hurt him he’ll internalise it and beat himself up relentlessly

physical quirks: self hugging. unable to make eye contact unless he’s talking facts and statistics, or eyes flickering from you to something else because he keeps wanting to make eye contact but Can’t. :] smile. gripping satchel. i don’t know if this is canon but i imagine him teetering on his toes sometimes? pushing his hair back (if it’s on the longer side). sometimes he’s unable to control his facial expressions and i adore it. umming and aahing!!

i hope at least some of this is useful! if you see this and write the fic id love to read it 🥺

if anyone reads this and has something to add please do! id honestly greatly benefit from it too

#ask #long post #anonymous #this got so long im so sorry #best of luck! you’ll do amazing!#i constantly think my characterisation of him is questionable #i trust that u have a much better understanding of him than you realise

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seijch · 3 years

Text

ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

#did i have an announcement tag #announcement #also regarding work hsjkdfsd the company i work for didnt give my location the opening for the full time position i wanted #my managers all agree id be promoted if we had it but we dont so i . hee .#anyway um i hope everyones doing well #some of my moots changed urls while i was away and now i have no idea who anyone is #its like when you see your familys friends and theyre like omg youre so big now! i remember when you were a baby and youre like 🧍‍♂️#and you have to play along bc apparently they remember you hskdfsd #im not very funny in this post but i figured id rather be honest considering my lengthy absence #consider this my comeback stage

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ashintheairlikesnow · 4 years

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hi ash! i know you said before that you're not autistic you just did a lot of research to depict chris realistically- do you have any advice for finding resources on writing disabled characters that isn't like... horribly abelist? im writing someone with an intellectual disability from head trauma and who is nonverbal, and i want to get it right but everything online seems very autism-speaks-y. im autistic and semiverbal but i dont have an id and i want to be realistic and respectful.

I cannot speak with any expertise or sense of speaking from enough experience to be taken as an expert here, and defer as always to those with lived experience with intellectual disability!

But I will give a few more general tips for what to do when looking to write a character with a neurological makeup that doesn’t match your own, as far as what has worked for me with Chris:

1. The story should never be ABOUT their lived experience if you do not also have it. Chris’s story is not about autism, or being autistic. I would never presume to try and write a story like that because, whatever my intentions, I don’t have that knowledge that comes from living it. I would at BEST be taking the experiences of others, their voices. At worst, I would be someone standing with a megaphone shouting over those who deserve to be heard.

Making the disability what the plot revolves around is... generally just not going to be a good idea, in any sense. It’s moments like this where I feel like it’s best to defer to the writers who have lived it, instead.

This is not to say “never write someone different than yourself”, because... I don’t think that’s at all good advice. I think that way lies stunted writers who never push themselves. But it does mean “do not center the story on this thing if you have not experienced it and don’t have that knowledge and understanding”.

2. At the same time, don’t try to be coy or dance around or hide the disability behind purple prose or refuse to acknowledge its reality. Trying to make a disability sound cute, or talk around it instead of speaking it out loud, can be minimizing or shaming in ways that I think it’s easy to miss, if you don’t live with that disability yourself! To me, this touches on one of my hugest pet peeves - characters who are written as having a particular neurodivergence in media, or shown on tv, but they never expressly admit to it or name it.

I know I hesitated with Chris, more because I didn’t feel comfortable giving him a diagnosis until I understood autism better myself, and I do regret how long it took me to embrace that reality about him. I just thought it better to err on the side of researching before I embraced. But I do feel some guilt about waiting so long when I had readers who were identifying so heavily with him, and I kind of knew, but just didn’t feel comfortable owning it yet.

3. On a related note - disabilities in a story that become melodramatic tragedy or turn the disabled character into a ‘redemption story’ for an abled character. This is so, so prevalent in common media and pop culture and once you recognize it for what it is, it’s so hard to not see it in so many places. Think of how many movies, novels, etc contain a disabled character who exists to teach abled people some virtuous lesson about living life to the fullest or ‘what it really means to be human’ blah blah blah blah blah. Don’t do that. Please. (I mean, I kind of feel like you definitely won’t, but I’m just speaking very generally here). If you find the story going in a direction in which abled people learn something from the disabled person, please think very carefully and critically as to why the story is heading in that direction.

Language alone can also be a problem here - think about the difference between openly describing a character moving around their life with a wheelchair vs. calling them “wheelchair-bound” or “reliant on a cane”, when the cane or wheelchair may actually represent freedom to that person - an aid they need, yes, but one that allows them to live with far more agency than they might have had otherwise.

To describe them, especially from their own POV, as “wheelchair-bound”, may ring false to disabled people who understand that the wheelchair isn’t a cage, but a tool that allows that individual person to feel less caged by being able to more freely leave home.

(This varies person to person, just providing an example)

4. Educate. Research. And don’t just do so by asking people with disabilities to tell you their stories. I often express gratitude to the autistic readers, those with ADHD, etc who spoke up about Chris, talked about their own experiences, identified with him, found him very resonating for aspects of their own lives.

These stories, this information, this sharing of their lives was given freely to me, and I’m fucking amazed and grateful for how welcomed Chris was, and how willing readers were to share about themselves when talking about him.

Their willingness to speak about these things is something I treasure. But I absolutely would never believe that a single person owed me the story of their life to make sure I got Chris right. That was my responsibility, you know? I try to keep in mind the concept of ‘emotional labor’. Asking a disabled person to be your resource is asking them to give, and give, and give of themself. They may want to give you that kind of labor, they may not. But I definitely wouldn’t ask it of anyone without understanding it was something they were happy or felt comfortable giving.

Research, on the other hand, is essential. You mentioned things being “autism speaks-y” when trying to research on your own, and oh god, do I feel you. It sucks that autism speaks is the first thing to pop up when trying to research the lives of autistic people - and in my research, I was lucky to already know AS sucks and write them off and anyone who heavily referenced them as not helpful. I can see how someone might not know that, though, and stumble on them and believe they were a helpful resource for writing autism when they... well. Nope.

Try to think about the express disability you are writing for this person, and why, and then go research! I looked up “books on autism recommended by autistic people”, and found some invaluable books, yes, but also papers published online, websites, etc! Each of them vetted and looked over and recommended by autistic people, so I knew I was getting information that came from people with those experiences and that understanding. A good example - I picked up a book on the history of diagnosis and treatment of autism in the United States, mentioned it here, and @redwingedwhump recommended a book called Neurotribes... which turned out to be immensely more helpful, spot-on, and provided some really excellent foundational information I wouldn’t have found in the first book at all.

There’s a lot of information out there on Traumatic Brain Injuries and their lasting effects on individuals who receive them, so I would start there. What you’re describing sounds like a TBI with lasting effects! So I would start your research there, and also look up being nonverbal separately, as well as combining the two. Make sure you’re not just looking at the top links - often paid ads or problematic organizations that are able to pay more for better exposure - but also scanning for blogs, nonprofits, lived-experiences stories, too.

I found a lot of information on the second or even third page of results i would never have seen if I only stuck to the first. Remember the algorithm on search engines is usually showing you what other people are clicking on, not necessarily the best source.

5. This is one you the asker already know, but I want to include it for general reasons: do not ‘dumb down’ the thought processes of a nonverbal or semi-verbal person. I see this in fiction surprisingly often, and I think it’s this sense we have as abled people (’we’ just meaning I’m including myself) that being verbal is required to have a highly complex thought process, and it’s... it’s just fucking not. Speech and though are related but not completely wound around each other, and the ability to verbalize is not the same as the ability to think.

Like I said, I know you know this, asker, but it’s something I see in fiction/media and it drives me up the wall. So I wanted to include it.

6. For the love of God, do not use medical terminology unless you actually know what you’re doing/talking about. Many disabled people or those with serious medical conditions become what amounts to experts on their own diagnoses, because they have to. They have to be experts to receive the care they should be able to rely on. If you constantly fuck up terminology - trust me - it will be noticed, and it will take people out of the story or hurt their ability to suspend disbelief while reading.

There are ways to do medical scenes/conversations with doctors that avoid falling into this problem! I would just be very very careful to heavily research before using any complex terminology.

7. This disabled person does not exist to evoke pity. They are a human - nuanced and multi-layered - living their life, and their story should always, always reflect that. I don’t really have anything else to add to that.

I would love to hear further advice from anyone with anything else to add.

#writing advice #writing

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therainroguefanfiction · 4 years

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🎂 To Myself (Arashi Fukada)

[art by Lushia on deviantart]

Genre: Fluff, Slice of Life, Birthday

Word Count: 1,655

Pairing: Reader x TYL! Arashi Fukada

World: Katekyo Hitman Reborn (11^ Famiglia)

Prompt: Valentine’s Day #4 by thefakeredhead

Author’s Note: I think this is the first time I’ve ever written for someone else’s original character, but it was super fun! This was written for @zeno290’s birthday featuring the original character, Arashi Fukada, created by @kiralushia! Arashi is from the 11^ Famiglia webcomic, which I highly recommend you read (webtoons | @the11thfamily).

Thank you for giving me the chance to write for one of your wonderful characters, I hope I did her justice! ^~^)/ I also feel the need to mention that I’m only on chapter eight, I believe, so I’m going by what I currently know!

━━━━━━༻ 🎂 ༺━━━━━━

You stood in front of the mirror, readjusting the outfit that you were wearing to make sure you looked presentable. Today was your birthday and your boss was taking you and the rest of the family to a nice restaurant in order to celebrate.

You glanced at the clock. The reservation is set for eight o’clock and it was only just now turning seven, but you were feeling a bit worried because your girlfriend was currently in a meeting. The eleventh family was meeting up with a rival family so that their boss, Nozomi, could try and create peace between the two families. They had been at it for an hour already and something told you that they were no closer to finding a resolution.

Arashi was going to be late for dinner, you just knew it.

Your cell phone chimed from its position on the dresser, the familiar tone letting you know who was calling without having to check the ID. A smile came to your lips as you answered it, the cool glass against your ear. “Hey, Arashi. How’s the meeting going?”

“I want to shoot them all,” she huffed in annoyance. “These guys have zero respect for Nozomi!”

You chuckled as you pictured the face she must be making. “Just don’t get blood on your clothing. The reservation is for eight so you probably won’t have time to get changed.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t!” she laughed, the sound like music to your ears. “I love you for enabling me.”

“I love you, too,” you responded softly.

“Ugh, the break is over, we have to get back in.” She clicked her tongue, clearly not looking forward to rejoining the meeting. “I’ll see you soon, Y/N!”

“Okay,” you ended the call, sliding the phone back into your pocket. With one final look in the mirror, you grabbed your keys and left the apartment that you shared with the red-head.

━━━━━━༻ 🎂 ༺━━━━━━

You stepped into the restaurant, taking in the quiet atmosphere. From what you could see, there didn’t seem to be any others inside and you briefly wondered if your boss had rented out the entire restaurant for the night. It was definitely something she would do for her beloved family.

The waiter smiled at you. “Hello! May I have your name, please?”

Upon giving him the information, his back straightened and his smile widened.

“Ah, the guest of honor! Please follow me.”

You stepped around the wooden podium into the dining room, eyes scanning the empty booths and tables. Candles lit up the room, their flames dancing across the walls like people at a club. Situated at the very back of the room to the right was a large round table where most of your family had already made themselves comfortable.

Boss was the first to notice you, hopping up from her chair and throwing her arms around you. “Happy birthday, Y/N!”

You couldn’t help smiling as you returned the hug. “Thank you, big sister.”

You settled down beside her as the others exchanged happy birthdays with you, asking how you were feeling and if your day had been kind to you. It had, of course. Any day that you got to spend just lazing around with Arashi was a good day, after all, but you spared them the details, simply letting them know that yes, your day had gone well.

When the last of the family had arrived, boss sent you a weary smile as the waiter approached to take the group’s order. “Do you want to wait on Arashi?”

You kept your lips in a firm line as you glanced at your phone. No messages or missed calls. “No, she will be a while.”

She didn’t seem happy about this but she nodded, offering you a smile and a pat to the shoulder. “I’m sure she will get here as soon as she can!”

“Is everyone ready to order?” The waiter questioned with a polite smile, pulling out a pad of paper and clicking the pen. Being the guest of honor, you were allowed to order first, choosing your favorite dish and drink before passing it on to the boss, who did the same. The waiter nodded once everyone had given their orders. “It will be out soon, I’ll be back with your drinks in just a moment.”

You tried to focus on the strange conversation that your family was having, but you found yourself staring out the window at the darkening sky, dotted with glittering stars against the dark velvet. Despite trying to keep yourself in good spirits, you felt a bit down. It was your birthday, after all, and yet the person you loved most was MIA.

You knew how much she loved Nozomi and the eleventh family, her loyalty unshaken no matter what happened and, while you would never make her choose between your love and the family, you still wished that she had decided to stay with you rather than running to her family. She didn’t technically need to be there for the meeting, Nozomi had said so herself, but Arashi had insisted.

The night wore on and your boss did the best she could to keep your mind off of your missing girlfriend by engaging you in conversation about various items. She tried to avoid family matters, no wanting to impose such things on your birthday, but it usually ended up back there in the end, not that you minded. You loved your family and wanted to do what you could to help your boss succeed.

In that respect, you could understand where Arashi was coming from and you briefly wondered if you would leave her on her birthday or not. So far, your boss had made sure not to bother you on Arashi’s birthday, so the situation had never presented itself to you. You couldn’t honestly say whether you would leave or not and that bothered you.

“The food was delicious!”

“Top tier, for sure~”

“I’m stuffed and ready for a nap.”

“Same here.”

As the boss pulled out her wallet to pay for the bill, which several of the members tried to dissuade her from doing to no avail, she sent you a sad smile. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m sure she has a good reason for not showing up.”

You nodded, not commenting on the subject. “Thank you dinner, big sister.” And then you turned your gaze to the rest of the table, where your beloved family sat, sending you smiles of love and respect. “Thank you all for coming, I appreciate you being here.”

“Of course!”

“We’re happy to be here, happy birthday again!”

“We got free food, too – ow! Why’d you smack me?”

“Idiot~ Happy birthday, Y/N!”

“Rude. I mean, it’s true, but rude.”

You chuckled as the two started to bicker back and forth playfully, your woes temporarily forgotten as they bumped into the table, tipping off the jug of water and creating a panic among the other members as they tried to stop it before it could run off the table.

━━━━━━༻ 🎂 ༺━━━━━━

The apartment was dark when you pushed open the door, kicking your shoes off by the door. You were certain that you had left the hall light on so you wouldn’t come home to darkness, but perhaps it had slipped your mind. You used your phone to light up the hall, hand fumbling for the light switch.

It clicked as you flicked it on, but no light flooded the hall. With a frown, you flicked the switch a few times, but nothing happened. Had the light blown out? Wrinkling your nose, you decided you would fix it tomorrow, too tired to care at the current moment.

You feet padded across the wooden floor as you headed for the bedroom to change into more comfortable clothing, but when you opened the door, you felt your body freeze up. The room was bathed in the flickering of candlelight, daffodil petals scattered across the floor. Movement from the corner of your eye had your gaze shifting to the side where Arashi was standing up from the wingback chair.

You felt your heart pick up speed at the sight of her silhouetted in the soft light, her dress fitting her body perfectly as her red locks contrasted against the black. She looked like a goddess in your eyes, but she always did no matter what she was wearing. Even after dating for so long, she was still able to take your breath away.

Arashi smiled sheepishly, her cheeks painted with a soft pink hue. “I’m really sorry I missed dinner. Can you forgive me?”

The sour mood you had felt quickly dissipated at the sight of your beautiful girlfriend, a smile slipping onto your lips as you crossed the distance between you. “It’s okay, I understand.”

“The truth is…” she shifted, turning her gaze to the floor. “I didn’t want to go there with your family. I wanted you all to myself…”

“Why didn’t you just say so?” you questioned softly, resting your hand on her warm cheek, forcing her brown eyes to meet yours.

“Because,” she pouted, tugging on the end of your shirt. “I knew you’d stay home if I said something! And after your boss went through the trouble of reserving the restaurant…”

“You knew about that?”

“She told me she was going to.”

You chuckled, wrapping your arms around her waist protectively, lips finding her cheek as her hands clenched around your shirt. “You’re right, I would have stayed home with you. Big sister would have understood, you know. Next time, it will be just the two of us, okay?”

Arashi’s face lit up and she nodded. “Okay!”

With a smile, you brought your lips to hers, loving the way her arms wrapped around the back of your neck, his fingers clutching the base of your neck to deepen the kiss.

Maybe today wasn’t so bad after all~

━━━━━━༻ 🎂 ༺━━━━━━

📜 Read more by checking out my masterlist 📜

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all-hail-the-witcher · 4 years

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2 years ago today i made this blog

and now im going to get sappy about it

“And they wondered how long I could keep it up / While I wondered if I'd ever, if I'd ever get enough / And I did some shit I never should've done / I would do it over now, I'd do it over

Shout out to the old me and everything you showed me / Glad you didn't listen when the world was trying to slow me / No one could control me, left my lovers lonely / Had to fuck it up before I really got to know me / All of the mistakes I made, I made, I made, I made / Whatever the price I paid, I paid, I paid, I paid / Shout out to the old me and everything you showed me / Had to fuck it up before I let you get to know me”

two years ago I created this blog. It was the summer going into my senior year of high school. I had planned to hold off making a tumblr account until I got to college, but on this particular night I said “fuck it” and made one. I told myself that I was doing it to see if people would read my writing. I hadn’t shared pretty much anything id written with anyone since middle school and at that point I was considering majoring in creative writing. I had just come up with the idea for spies and wanted to share it with people. I wanted to see if the people who told me I was a good writer were right.

and that's all well and true but recently i realized that there was another reason i made this blog: i was lonely.

the pressure of my senior year of high school made me crack. on paper i was the perfect student, honors societies and aps and college scholarships and all that. but as i trekked from college to college, audition to audition, and did my homework almost exclusively in the backseat of a car, i found myself breaking. to put it mildly, the 17 year old who made this blog was nothing short of an asshole.

unfortunately as a middle schooler i latched onto a fictional character from the mortal instruments: Jace herondale. Jace is an asshole, a terrible person who uses sarcasm as his defense mechanism and projects his trauma onto others. he doesn’t care who he hurts. he doesn’t let himself get close to people because he’s afraid he’s going to hurt them. throughout the series he eventually fixes himself and learns from his mistakes, but I didn’t want that Jace, I wanted book 1 Jace.

he tells this story in the beginning and he ends it with this line that has always stuck with me: “the boy never cried again and he never forgot what he’d learned: that to live is to destroy and to be loved is to be the one destroyed”

as my senior year went on i found myself becoming more and more like jace. i pushed people away, stopped talking to pretty much all my friends, and developed an aversion to using the word love. literally. i didn't particularly care who i took down with me or who i hurt in the process because i would be leaving for college and wouldn't have to see anyone ever again. real sound logic that was.

but i still had this blog, this stupid blog that i was never supposed to make. I had the fear of strangers on the internet burned into me as a kid, so I was very very hesitant to do much of anything on this blog except post fan fiction. but as I got more into the fandom, I broke that promise and I started talking to people. all kinds of people, in messages in asks in threads, it didn’t matter. and it made me happy, or as close to happy as i got. i loved talking to people on here, fic planning, posting about dumb shit, writing crack fics, just having fun. and then my blog started getting really big really quickly (something I never have and still don’t understand. what’s so cool about this dump of a blog? please someone tell me) and i found myself wanting to be a better version of myself online. I know it didn’t happen that way all the time. there were many times were I was rude or sarcastic or attention seeking or just a bitch in general on here. but this blog made me want to be better. I wanted to be the person people who followed me thought I was.

at points, this blog was all I had. it was weird, knowing there were people who followed me cared about me, even though I had never met any of them. and that strange feeling of wanting to keep going for my blog held me together for a long time.

obviously im no longer in high school anymore (and thank fuck for that). but recently I realized that I hadn’t actually changed and I was still the same shitty person I had become during the last year of high school, I’d just gotten better at hiding it. i didn't know who i was or who i wanted to be. it was daunting to begin to fix all my many mistakes irl so i started with this blog, making subtle changes on here, allowing myself to be more open, not as short with people, trying to avoid sarcasm all together. and once i was able to do that, it bled over into my real life.

its been a few months of that, and i think im finally starting to like myself as a person again. I feel like I’ve changed. I’m more comfortable with myself. I’m not as much of a bitch anymore. I’m not the person I was before, but I don’t want to be that person. I’ve found pieces of my old self along this journey, but I’ve also found pieces of my new self. for the first time in a really long time, I’m happy. none of that would have happened without this damn blog.

I never expected for this blog to become what it is. firstly, I never expected to have 856 followers. that’s so many people. what in the h e l l?? I never expected people to read a single fucking thing that I wrote. and people have. and they’ve enjoyed them?? that’s wild to me.

but mostly, I never expected this blog to slap some sense into my stupid self. I don’t know where I would be without this blog, and I can say that honestly. over the last two years it’s been an escape, it’s given me purpose, and its been a reminder that I can fix myself. its not the only thing thats helped me though this mess, but it’s been one of the major components. I’m not perfect yet, I know that, but I know I’m better than when I started this blog 2 years ago.

id also like to apologize to anyone on here that i was ever rude to, or hurt with anything i might have said or done. im sorry that the old me didn't understand or care what she was doing. ill do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again.

so thank you to everyone who follows this blog, who’s on my taglist, who’s ever sent me an ask or a dm, and to everyone I ever talked to on here. thank you for reading this mess of a post. it means more to me than you will ever know. i know i hardly ever get sappy on here, but i wanted you all to know what this blog has come to mean to me. I love you all so much. thank you for inspiring me to pick myself back up.

#the lyrics are from old me by 5sos btw #i felt like they applied #sheesh its really been 2 years #feels like forever and no time at all #wild #seriously thank you all for following this dump #im gonna try to post a fic later #if i finish it #i hope i do #also if you made it to the bottom thanks for reading this #its a lot yeah #im not looking for validation i just want to let you all know how and why this blog and the people who follow it mean so much to me

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groundramon · 4 years

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So curiouscat has stupid short reply lengths so i had to post this here

Tw for: bullying, fatphobia, discussion of sexual harassment (oh it feels good to have enough characters to write a proper tw)

So it might surprise ppl to know that my favorite frontier character is JP, the raging heterosexual. But like, to me...hes so much more than that. JP is a character that I saw so much of myself in. His social isolation from his peers, leading him to push away others to avoid getting hurt...its not that people outwardly bully him, its that no one sees behind his surface and nobody bothers to truly care about him. People only recognize him as the class clown - no one actually wants to hang out with him. And that...that hit me HARD as a kid. It was the experience i had growing up. I wasn't outright bullied, I just felt...excluded. Judged. I wanted friends but was too afraid of being judged or excluded. And sometimes it caused me to be dismissive of genuinely good people. And quite frankly, that's STILL a problem I have, not even a year after an exfriend of 7 years said that our interests were one of the things driving us apart. My intense fear of being ridiculed for my interests drove me as a kid, and sometimes even now as an adult, to completely stop caring what my peers thought about anything. For all intents and purposes, im a bit of a hipster - i hate on what's popular and i tote my more obscure interests. Because I feel like that's the only way. Obviously i have fairly mainstream interests but lemme tell ya, i went to a christian school in the late 2000s/early 2010s - goddamn pokemon was obscure/counter-culture in a setting like that. But despite my desperate attempts not to care, I DO care, just like JP. It fuckin stung. And now i have depression and social anxiety whoops. Honestly ngl, it got so bad that I genuinely projected that it was implied JP was isolated for being fat/not conventionally attracted, until i was like "wait a minute...frontier didnt go that hard"

But what makes JP such a tragic character to me now is that at the end of Frontier nowadays when i watch it, im left asking myself....DID JP make any friends?

I know JP is a raging heterosexual but quite frankly, he is dealt such a shitty, judgemental hand for an innocent crush. JP's most nsfw fantasy is marrying Zoe and holding her hand, like... And yet, despite this, he's accused time and time again of being a perv. JP is, well, a big fuckin guy. As such, he thinks "its probably a good idea to let all my friends climb up this latter before me, so i dont crush them all if i fall - plus ill look chivalrous too!" But he unfortunately forgets that Zoe has a skirt on and, y'know, not pants. I understand Zoe's hesitation completely - i wouldnt trust a man who kept hitting on me either. Her relationship with JP is completely justified. Like, its not like JP doesn't take no for an answer - he just still has a crush on her. Yes he should probably give it a rest but like, he's 13 and his most nsfw fantasy is to hold hands and marry and respect his crush. Inb4 you say "but its a kids show of course it is-" literally everything about Zoe is sexualized so no the fuck its not lol

What gets me the most though is the beach episode... again, not because of Zoe. She thinks someone has peeped on her (understandable but it was a digimon) and confronts them about it. But koji and takuya IMMEDIATELY suspect JP, and only believe his immediate denial when Tommy points out that JP was with them the whole time. Like first of all, YOU FORGOT HE WAS THERE??? it took the baby of the group pointing that out for you to remember???? Second of all, JP has never done anything to warrant not being believed - again for zoe id understand, a bitch has gotta be weary, but not for the guys? And thirdly, and perhaps most importantly of all, YOU GUYS CONSIDER SOMEONE YOU'D EASILY SUSPECT OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT YOUR "FRIEND"???? i would NEVER be friends with someone who i could see sexually harassing another one of my friends!! What the shit!! I realize they're kids but GEEZ. And i know its implied JP only cares about the perpetrator because he likes Zoe but idc, despite being persistent in his crush JP has literally NEVER done ANYTHING to disrespect women. And if the scene where takuya and jp run into Zoe's changing room to see whats wrong after she screams counts - well lol takuya was there too.

Zoe was dealt a terrible hand by the writers (worse than JP imo) so I understand people being weary of JP, but - in the dub at least - he literally did nothing wrong... dont confuse the writers sexualizing zoe and being misogynistic with JP sexualizing zoe and being misogynistic.

And im gonna say it - JP is only treated this way cuz hes fat lol. Its not a coincidence that the only MC in the digimon anime who's treated like a perv (despite the fact that they failed in writing one, cuz hes not a perv) is the fat guy. Japan LOVES the fat otaku stereotype (America, look what you did, you made it fatphobic) and in JP's case he's treated completely differently because he's fat. Takuya doesn't have an explicit crush on Zoe but just look at how he treats her vs JP. And which one is demonized lmao? Like, frontier has major problems in general, but to me this isnt a coincidence.

Also, I think JP's crush on zoe is initially just flirting/wanting to impress a girl to fill the void in his heart, but then he genuinely comes to respect her and like her for who she is. He likes that she's kind but stands up for herself and even though he's hopelessly infatuated with her, he just wants her to be happy, even if its not with him. He relates to her struggles to fit in despite not understanding how someone so beautiful and charismatic (in his eyes) could be disliked by her peers.

Hackers Memory discussion coming up, but the spoilers are minor/vague. Frank discussion of sexual harassment and...pedophilia i guess? But its like...ephebophilia, not literal children.

I realize the Story games and the anime are two different beasts entirely, and Cyber Sleuth especially is targeted at an older audience. BUT... compare how JP is treated in Frontier to how Chitose and even Keisuke are treated in HM. Chitose goes after countless women and isn't even reprimanded for going after someone he considers a CHILD. To clarify - Ryuji and Chitose both call Arata a child. Arata is canonically older than Yuuko. Chitose flirts with Yuuko. It is gross. Like he gets the physical embodiment of the cold shoulder and you get to insult him for it, but that's not proper reprimanding. In comparison, yes JP is older than Zoe...by a year/grade. But JP gets accused of SEXUAL HARASSMENT BY HIS "FRIENDS" and Chitose just gets "haha good ol chitose, hes a wild one." Plus i think Chitose and JP get the shit smacked out of each other an equal amount of times in the story, which like...one of these people is worse than the other!

Then there's Keisuke, the protagonist of HM, who's significantly better than Chitose but still gets dirty thoughts about Yuuko and is only reprimanded by Erika. And honestly I love Erika but HM plays up the tsundere heterosexual couple aspect. So imagine the only person who calls you out on your shit is your fucking love interest, who also beat the shit out of you with a plush toy for entering her room without knocking, not knowing anyone was in there (id say hes not a playboy but considering he befriends a stranger to practice "getting chicks" at chitose's recommendation, hes totally a playboy) and yet all she does when you start thinking weird shit about Yuuko is be like "hey. Stop that. Get some help"

Also Erika's best friend is chitose so like, someone save this poor girl PLEASE

But my point is that Chitose is conventionally attractive and...well they play up the idea that Keisuke isn't but hes not conventionally unattractive like JP is.

Gee, i wonder why they're treated differently? /s

TLDR: JP drinks respecting women juice and i kin him

#Stormy speaks

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ajanefantasy · 5 years

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Book Love part 2 - Rayn Storm

Rayn Storm was the second novel in the fantasy world of Dahrè. It took me a bit to work out the finer details of it. I restarted it several times and dumped a good portion of it at least twice as I settled into exactly who Betrys and her pirate were. I learned one or two characters introduce in Golden Boots weren’t exactly who I thought they were.

The story finally came together after many many many late late nights pacing and swearing, tempted to just delete everything and never write again because why was I doing this to myself. There is even a song or two I am unable to listen to even to this day after listening to them over and over because the songs so fit the feelings of the story and the characters so well. When I finished writing I sat numbly for a bit, unable to believe I had done it.

With all that said, let me introduce you to:

[Image ID: Image of two, three mast ships in a storm at sea engaging in battle, red and black blasts of magic being volleyed between the two ships, with the words Rayn Storm written across it]

Tricked into marriage by a pirate doesn't stop the desire Betrys feels for the scoundrel, but what is she supposed to do when his grandmother is her mortal enemy? Captain Rayn Storm is determined to hold his wife to the promise they made as children, and he is willing to go to any length to keep her. Even if he must stand against his own blood.

Story contains strong language and explicit sex. 162,000 words

Amazon / Smashword / Kobo / Apple / BN

A preview of sorts can be found under the cut.

Betrys stood against the wall drinking her third glass of sparkling wine, as she watched all the couples dancing that evening. She hated the thought of abandoning Rhedyn, but she was considering leaving the gathering early, mayhap before the end of the week; she thoroughly disliked being around the Titled—her friends and loved ones aside. Ever since turning that Dusalla into a taod the first night, the rest of the guests had been avoiding her.

All except one, that is.

Her husband was proving himself most difficult, searching her out, flirting with her. It took all her control not to flirt back and she was failing miserably. She had nearly succumbed to his kisses earlier this evening when he had found her entering her room late in the afternoon to ready for the ball.

On top of that…

She grabbed another glass of sparkling wine from a passing footman, replacing her empty one, and drinking half of it in one gulp.

On top of that, she had expected him to show up in her dreams again last night after having once more kept him out of her bed, but he had not come to her. Had he decided the dreams, the sex, proved unsatisfactory after all, that she was not worth the effort?

Her shoulders tensed.

A serious blow it would be to her already fragile view of herself as a woman, as one who felt passion, were it to be proven true—that Rayn had found her performance lacking. But if that were true, then why did he continue to chase her?

With a sigh, she shoved the troublesome thoughts of her husband out of her mind, deciding to disallow them.

From her vantage point on the far wall, she could see Idrys—he had accepted an invitation to stay on for a few days. He was dancing with Queen Gyrti, who was blushing and smiling like a young woman. Before that, he had danced with Rhedyn and before that with Queen Maryn. The women sure flocked to him, even more so it seemed now that he had embraced his nyn Caro nature completely.

The charming rogue.

She tried to think of him objectively and not as her cousin—she grinned and corrected that thought—not as her brother. Idrys was beautiful in both face and form. He was tall and his muscles were well defined and most women fell instantly in lust with him. A smile from him caused women of all ages to blush and flutter their lashes flirtatiously. Betrys had seen several swoon without provocation.

Despite how attractive Idrys was, his brand of looks had never been her type. Not that she knew her type, just that Idrys or those of similar features weren’t it. Nor had Easal—Kino—been her type. Before the brutal attack ten years ago that had broken his face, Kino had been a very attractive man. Even now with the crooked lines of his face, he proved attractive with his golden red hair and fine form. Yet, she felt nothing for him. Which was fine since Kino had always preferred men to women, preferred Idrys above them all and she had always considered him to be more brother than friend.

What was her type?

Without thinking, a picture of her husband formed in her mind. She thought him most…delicious. Yeryl and Zasara, he was delicious—it was the only word to come to mind when she thought of him. His blue eyes were mesmerizing and fathomless, the angle exotic. His blond hair, of which she couldn’t tell the length, though she suspected it to be quite long, was like a gold debloo. He was taller than Idrys by several inches, and his skin… His skin was kissed by the sun in such a way as to have the look of many hours spent outdoors, which as a pirate he did. She admired the sharp angles of his face, his full lips… She really liked his lips.

The wide breadth of his shoulders, his perfectly formed, muscled body… She wanted to touch him, run her hands all over him.

So did every woman in attendance.

A low growl escaped Betrys’s throat, causing a young Resana to flee from the vicinity.

That morning, she had come across a gaggle of women gathered in the lists, tittering about the fine male form before them, and discovered they were staring at her husband. He and Caryk had been fencing and Aryn’s shirt had been off with sweat glistening over all those fine muscles, plastering down his chest hair. The women had been openly staring with lust in their eyes and she had been tempted beyond reason to lash out at the women for staring and at Aryn for making her feel this way.

Especially when she had been just as transfixed by the sight of him, when her thoughts had been centered on cupping that rounded ass of his in her hands, running her tongue over every inch of his chest, his rippling back.

“Might I have this dance, my wife?” Aryn held his hand out to Betrys. He wondered what was causing her cheeks to be flushed with heat. Was she thinking of him?

She focused her eyes on the object of her thoughts and felt a wave of anger at him.

“Betrys, ‘tis not unreasonable that I would wish to dance with my wife.”

“Ask another to dance and leave me be.”

“I wish not to dance with another. The last woman I danced with stuck her hand in the pocket of my breeches and took hold of my prick; old enough she was to be my grandmother.”

Betrys wanted to demand who dared touch him, desiring to rip the woman to shreds. She just kept the flames from her eyes as she spoke between clenched teeth. “Do you attempt to make me jealous?”

“Are you…jealous?” He saw flames flicker briefly and felt satisfied that his wife did indeed feel jealous. He once more held his hand out. “Please, Betrys, dance with me.”

“Go away.” Betrys finished her glass of sparkling wine and snagged another, but had it jerked out of her hand. “What are you about, Highness?”

Aryn drank the wine and then disposed of the glass. He glared at her. “I have a name, wife!”

She was drunk enough to be careless and dared him. “What will you do if I choose not to use it…them…?”

“Do you enjoy the whispers that circulate about our marital troubles?” He caged her against the wall, his arms on either side of her, his face filled with anger. “Do you enjoy the women pawing at me, attempting to warm my bed, since you are not in it? Because I must tell you, that I am enjoying none of these things.”

“You care not to have the gaggles of women vying for your attention?”

“No!” he hissed. “I care not for it. I only want one woman vying for my attention and that would be you, my wife. Except, you are the only woman not interested. Why?”

“Have I not said I wished not for another husband?” She found herself wanting to wrap her arms around his neck, to nip his chin, dip her tongue into the tiny dimple at the corner of his mouth. She decided it had to be his scent that made her want to do these things, as the masculinity of it was overwhelming her senses.

Aryn leaned forward, wanting to taste her lips. “But you have one. Me. All you have to do is reach out and take, as I am all yours.”

All hers. She liked the sound of that. She blinked and attempted to push him away. “No.”

“Aye,” he whispered as he brushed his lips over hers, the pirate taking over. “All yers.”

“No… I…”

He had had enough. The prince was n’ot getting the job done, obviously too considerate of Betrys’s feelings, so it was time to give the pirate a chance. Rayn stepped back, but only long enough to pick her up and toss her over his shoulder. He did an about-face and started out of the ballroom.

“Put me down!” Betrys yelled once the shock wore off and started pounding on Rayn’s back.

“Nae.”

“Might I ask where you are taking my cousin?” Idrys stepped in front of Rayn, and it was obvious it was Rayn; the princely civility was gone from the man’s eyes.

“’Tis none of yer concern,” he growled low. “She is my wife and we are leaving.”

“Put me down, you rotten scoundrel!”

“Not until I am ready, woman.” Rayn glared at Idrys. “Do ye interfere?”

“No, just curious where you might be taking her, Your Highness, but hurt her and I will hunt you down.” Idrys stepped aside and allowed the pirate to pass, Betrys still pounding on his back.

“Idrys, I demand you help me!” Betrys yelled.

“Worry not, I will watch over Zeti while you and your husband mend the rift betwixt you.” Idrys waved to her retreating form.

“I knew he would mess this up,” Maryn spoke from Idrys’s right, watching her grandson exit the ballroom, her arms crossed over and resting upon her waist. “Never has he been able to follow a simple plan.”

“Think I do that this way is better.” He laughed. “Serves Betrys right for pushing him to this point.”

“And what of the scandal?”

“That I am a nyn Caro, a scandal is a favorite pastime.”

Maryn grinned. “’Tis not new for the ayn Gyls either. Compared to the antics of my husband, this… This will be easy.”

Book Love: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

#© A. Jane #A. Jane #fantasy romance #my writing #book promotion #story snippet #pirates #magic #Book Love #Rayn Storm #Keepers

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1358456 · 5 years

Text

Review Response, June 9-15, 2019

Once again, I wasn’t at home yesterday so this got delayed, and once again that 1 day delay doesn’t change anything whatsoever.

... And whatever the hell happened to the horizontal line breaks?! Now I’m just manually making those lines with - like a sucker...

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Destiny #006

1) Oh shit I finished the chapter so quickly it felt like it only lasted a couple minutes (though I know it’s a lot longer, I just got too eager). In any case, I was super excited to see White in this chap! I can’t wait to have her and Black interact, I absolutely love the way you write them (just like with Ruby and Sapphire kek). Speaking of Ruby and Sapphire: the jealousy from Sapphire’s side was on point! And I cannot wait for Sapphire’s reaction to Ruby’s answer. Btw nice sort of cliff hanger on that one. And tbh I have no idea what Ruby would say. I feel like he might say no because of Sapphire and the whole mega stone or keystone thing whatchamacallit, but again I’m not sure. Also, no? Blue answer your calls from Red? He’s worrying about you, love. All you need to do is answer and boom! On your way to happiness! Well. Sort of. I guess. Baby steps. But anyways, Dia’s (and Pearl’s no kidding) was adorable. And it made my little shipper heart happy, so kudos to you for that. And also I think it was great how you wrote Platinum as still polite yet attached; regal even when literally lying unconscious a couple minutes prior. It was so like her, and it still amazes me how on point you write these characters. Though admittedly Blue is not how she is in the manga (but that’s sort of the whole point, so like that’s what’s ideal). And so although you stay true to their personalities, it’s also great that you kept in mind how things would affect certain people and changes they way they behave in accordance to that. So kudos to you for that too. Also, definitely NOT going to be happy meeting Peter again in this story. I know it’s going to happen, but I can only hope that the guy spying on Blue (whom I assume is Peter) will not do anything to her, and if so isn’t revealed as Peter. Simply because I just don’t want to put up with his douchebaggery. Oof my reviews are long, but I get so caught up in it that I can’t help myself. Thank you again.

I do like writing with Black and White. But unfortunately, they are just 2 of MANY Dex Holders, so they won’t be getting as much focus as you’d like, especially since they’re particularly high on my Preference List. Damn. That said, when there’s one, there’s always the other with these two. Inseparable!

Indeed. All Blue has to do is answer Red’s call and everything becomes just fine. Another parallel to Legacy, if you will. In Destiny, Blue ignored the calls out of her fears and thus sh*t happens. In Legacy, Blue answered the call, and thus she was able to attain true happiness! But Destiny is the “mid-point” between SA and Legacy. The “mid-point” of the pairing shift. Blue’s progression towards Red has to be a gradual one.

Oh, Platinum. She must always retain her elegance, even if she had just gotten absolutely stomped a minute prior. That’s what makes her... her, you know?

Blue’s character traits of melancholy and depression (when alone) is mostly canon, but her steps towards rampancy is a... personality extrapolation given the canon. If she was to be pushed a certain way, how would she react? That kind of thing.

I’m loving your long reviews! But I do notice that it’s been a month since you started Destiny, and this is chapter 6. Out of 43. ... Hmm...

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Wings #001

1) Hello, hello! Right from the start, this story was surprising to see since I remembered that you said that you didn't like these sorts of high school AU things. I've only seen bits and pieces of this story being mentioned, but I didn't expect this sort of thing! The start was amusing; I found it funny how Y was paying attention to the way she looked, but by the end, I understand y now, and I feel sorry for the poor chap that ruined her reputation already.

Hey, you started on Wings! Yay!

Yep, I absolutely detest high school AU stories. But only because they’re all mostly the same thematically. Wings aims to avoid every single one of those common themes.

1) Self insert: I am not putting in “myself” with a disguise of the main character in a high school AU to “relive” high school but with my desired outcomes. No. Y in Wings is nothing like me. In fact, I’m basing Y’s aggression based on a web comic series I’ve seen years ago. And my high school “outcomes” were mostly identical to my desires anyways, so... meh.

2) Unpopular girl main character: My understanding of the main characters in “those high school AUs” is that the girls are always like timid and unpopular and gets bullied by the “pretty and popular” mean girls until the main character eventually triumphs once the “popular guy” falls in love and... blech. ... What do you think will happen in Wings if the “pretty and popular” mean girls were to bully Y? Yeah. Wings is nothing like those types of stories.

3) Romance: Y doesn’t give a f*ck about love in Wings. Some “cute popular” boy makes a move on her, she gives him the finger and then walks away. The end.

4) “(Name) is a normal girl attending high school and-”: ... Y is not normal. Yes, she wants a normal high school life, but literally right off the bat, I smashed that wish because Wings cannot be remotely similar to any of “those high school AUs”.

And on and on.

I’m glad you thought it was amusing! Wings is intended to be purely for fun. Especially later on as more shenanigans happens.

... But I’m curious that you’re leaving a GUEST review, instead of the signed one, currently with the ID of... er... ... keyboard mashing. Hmm...

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Wings #002

1) It's nice to see the Kalos group coming together! I still haven't finished reading the XY arc of the manga, but it's nice to see Y and Shauna's interactions. I like how you gave a brief insight to Shauna's life in her middle school years; getting bullied sucks, and it must have been hard for her if she prefers to be friends with someone who is viewed negatively and lowers her own reputation down, rather than increasing the chances of getting bullied again. Maybe I'm just overthinking this, but it's still nice! And for X...dang, I feel sorry for him...salt and pepper in his eyes and mouth? That was extreme. Overall, a pretty great chapter! It was amusing from the way X and Shauna unintentionally contributed to lowering Y's reputation in her classroom, and to watch Y beat up intimidating students was funny to imagine.

Yep. Y and Shauna will be one of those “BFFs”, but... not really like those. I have to retain Shauna’s canon personality, which is a bit... sarcastic? So she’ll have a more “cool” friendship with Y instead of those “omg hug” types or whatever. F*ck those.

Hmm... Shauna having a bad middle school experience is not really intentional, but it does make sense, if you think about it like that. But it could also be that Shauna just finds hanging out with Y to be amusing.

X getting salt and pepper poured into his face is LOOSELY based on what I went through in high school, where some prick randomly poured a packet’s worth of salt on my head (getting all that damn salt out of my hair took absolutely forever), and so I took revenge by emptying at least 30 packets of salt and pepper into a sheet of paper and then pouring all that into his hair the next day. So... poor me, poor that kid, and poor X. Hehe.

Oh, there will be more instances of Shauna inadvertently worsening Y’s reputation, with real and fake stories. But Y won’t really mind since it’ll already be too late. There’s no turning back with her reputation now.

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Wings #003

1) Like a bolt from the blue, it's time for a (ratherlatethanintended) review! I really missed the way you write and how you describe everything in detail. Really helps me visualize everything! I know that's the point of writing, but your writing style is effective since I tend to zone out whenever I read something too long. Plus, the way you have each chapter structured keeps things interesting. My interest in piqued with each passing chapter! I'm thoroughly enjoying this story so far.

Okay onto the chapter itself! I like how Grace is supportive of Y's choices even when her daughter's being really violent in school, though perhaps it's because Grace was a delinquent herself when she was younger? Maybe?

And the way X behaves and reacts whenever Y is around is both amusing and sad. Very traumatic for him I'm sure. I do hope that his and Y's relationship as friends improve as chapters go by.

Faitsu and Crystal finally appears so I'm happy about that! I hope more familiar faces appear soon! Speaking of which, I felt like the teacher at the end of chapter 1 could turn out to be someone we know, but I don't know if that's just me. (It's not at all possible due to your preferences, but I keep thinking it's Green, even though he's in the void of nonexistence.)

Getting decked in the face by a soccer ball...hah. What a way to meet your future teammate! ...assuming she ends up joining the soccer club that is.

Overall, a great chapter! I like how lively everyone is, even the nameless students!

Ehehe... thank you! I’m glad you’re enjoying this deviation of a story of mine. After all, I’d never make another high school AU, ever, and this is the only one, so... it’s quite the deviant.

My thoughts on Grace is that she’s kind of a cool mother. ... Though I think that’s more... er... non XY arc. Hmm... Well, like mother like daughter... right?? Hehehe...

Oh, X and Y will be GOOD friends as time passes! Can’t have Y stressing out the poor boy, now can I? He will certainly prove to be a good supportive friend, though... not physically supporting (later on).

Faitsu and Crystal (and Black, technically) have appeared! More and more familiar faces will appear and be mentioned as time passes, of course. In fact, most everyone will be in Wings. Red, Blue, Gold, Crystal, Diamond, Pearl, Platinum, Black, White, Faitsu, X, Y, Sun, and Moon! ... Even Sword and Shield, if Wings lasts long enough. ... So... no, Green is not in Wings, since he has been banished into the void for eternity.

Yep. Decked in the face. And bloodshed. Real hard to get by ONE day without bloodshed, eh? Hehehe.

I look forward to seeing your review for the 4th chapter!

#qna

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pcnnydime · 5 years

Text

I’m Leaving Tumblr.

Dramatic? Probably, but it’s come to my attention (again, and again, and again) that a great number of people feel uncomfortable in my presence, so I’d rather the title sum up the post. You can read this and try to see things from my point of view, or you can move on with your lives. Either way, I hope this doesn’t cause much drama for anyone not involved, and I hope everyone regardless of involvement has a good day/night.

First, I apologize if this post seems robotic, but after countless anxiety attacks , multiple lost friends, and a few instances of self harm due to everything that’s been happening around me, I find myself lacking the emotional energy to put more ‘pep’ or ‘enthusiasm’ into this post. I’ve been on Tumblr since Red Thread was at its peak, however many years that may have been, and roleplaying, meeting people here, and developing characters that mean the world to me has helped me grow as a person. It brought me out of a near 2 year long depression that included an extremely abusive relationship, being left behind by all my close local friends, and a failed suicide attempt. Writing on tumblr introduced me to my best friend, many dear friends, and my current romantic partner. It’s seen me through a really tough job, two cross-country moves, and some of my worst and lowest points. But with the word ‘racist’ following me at every turn, I no longer feel welcome or supported by what was once my favorite hobby and best coping mechanism.

The reason being labelled a racist has effected me so deeply is because I come from a multi-racial home. I am half Puerto Rican, one quarter African American, and one quarter white. I have tan skin, very hispanic features, and very curly, thick hair with dark brown eyes. I don’t look white. I grew up in a rural area where I was one of very few people of color in BOTH of the schools I attended, and I’ve never lived in very diverse areas in all my 21 years. I don’t believe I was treated any differently because of it, I never had any race-specific issues in my childhood, and I’m very lucky because of that. Sure, I’ve had a few ‘playful nicknames’ but nothing that ever hurt me as much as being bullied about my height, weight, or chest size.

My Grandmother is white and my Grandfather is black - they got together in the 60′s and dealt with a great deal of prejudice and hardship due to being an interracial couple. They and my mother raised me to look past what people look like on the outside - weight, height, gender, age, race, religion - they believe, and I believe that it shouldn’t matter. People should be judged and valued or ignored based upon their personalities. In a near-perfect society, that’s how everyone would feel, but ours is far from perfect. People of color are faced with violence, hate, and even murder on a daily basis all over the world - not just in America - and by no means has it ever been my intent to diminish that, I simply am deterred by conflict because it hurts me to see.

Now that I’ve described myself, the way I’ve been affected, and my views on race and in/equality, I will explain my experience as a “racist”. For months, I’ve been blocked, shunned, and ignored due to this. I spent MONTHS not knowing why people were blocking me, why all of a sudden people I had been writing with and even admired for their graphic and literary skill were suddenly ignoring me and treating me like I was less than a stranger.

Because no one told me.

Not until sometime around perhaps September or October, when someone was finally kind and considerate enough to step out of their comfort zone and inform me that I’d made a comment about Black Panther without thinking about my wording. On Twitter, I said something to the effect of ‘Black Panther has too much black power for me’, something along those lines. What I should have said was: Black Panther was a good movie, and I liked Killmonger as an antagonist until he began building a highly advanced army of thousands of near-superpowered warriors and devastating militaristic technology to declare war on what was clearly intended to be Caucasians as a race. At that point, I became uncomfortable because racial war of any kind isn’t something I would have paid money to see in a theatre, had I known it was going to be included. But I didn’t say that because twitter has a character limit, and I didn’t think anyone wanted to read an entire thread of my review of what was, all in all, an excellent movie.

Another individual recently followed suit and gave me a few more examples of why people believe I’m racist and discriminatory.

1. I’ve used the “n” word on multiple occasions. This is not true. I am incredibly uncomfortable around the use of that word, in any form, even it’s reclaimed version. I don’t like it. I don’t know where or when I would have used it before, but even as someone who is African-American and has multiple African-American family members who say it ‘affectionately’ to refer to each other, I have not EVER said that word. Not as a joke, and certainly not as an insult.

2. I hold people who speak English as a secondary, third, or otherwise language to a higher standard than those who do not.

No. If anything, it’s the opposite. I strongly admire and respect anyone who speaks more than one language, as someone who only speaks English and very broken Spanish. I formerly had an RP partner whose first language is Spanish, and is very proud of their heritage. My father, who I’m no longer in contact with due to estrangement and abandonment, primarily speaks Spanish and I had no quarrel with him because of that. Some contradictory things you may have read can be found here and here. These are screenshots from the rules page on an old blog of mine that I would rather not explicitly name, for the sake of privacy for people who used to interact with me. In these screenshots, I say “[Does] Understand that English is not everyone’s first language. It’s okay if you have some errors with grammar or spelling, as long as you’re making the best effort that you can.” perhaps that can come off as me saying ‘you have to try really hard if you want to write with me’, but in fact, it just meant that I wanted some manner of effort to be present. I.E., if I write 2 paragraphs, at least write one in response, rather than a single sentence. Could I have worded that better? Absolutely. But since realizing that can be perceived incorrectly, I removed it from my rules page entirely to avoid offending anyone.

In the other screenshot, I mention not tolerating anyone who is ‘cis or heterophobic’. This ties back into my ideal of not seeing people for who they are on the outside, but rather, who they are on the inside. I’ve had great friendships with people who were either cisgendered, heterosexual, or both, and it upsets me to see all the jokes about ‘down with cishets’ and the hate that the LGBT+ community sends their way. I understand that being a ‘cishet’ doesn’t put them in any ‘legitimate’ danger like being LGBT+ does, but it doesn’t feel good to be judged for being LGBT+, so it doesn’t seem right to judge ANYONE based on sexuality or gender without personal experience. If someone has been repeatedly hurt, offended, or otherwise wronged by individuals of those designation, I understand, but mob mentalities frighten me.

I’ve apologized for these accusations, and explained my reasoning and my ‘side’ behind them, and there’s one last thing I’d like to address. My being perceived as acting like a victim. This, I can’t contest. Perhaps I have been overly dramatic over this hole thing. Roleplay is a hobby, at the end of the day, and while it may not be a great one, I do have a life outside of Tumblr and Twitter. What I don’t have, however, is friends. My only friends are miles and miles away, and they’re few and far between. The ones I did have began telling me I was a racist, to me, seemingly out of nowhere. I had no clue when these things began to spread because again, I wasn’t confronted. I’ve lost two people I consider to be good friends, and I’ve been doing my best to keep to myself ever since. I stopped reaching out, out of fear that people would find me obnoxious or abrasive, not knowing how far my reputation had spread. The absolute last thing I wanted was to hurt anyone, so when I vented to my friends I asked them not to make a big deal out of it. I didn’t want them with the label as well. I didn’t want to see them ostracized, or to be the reason they lost a hobby they enjoyed. When one of them went against my wishes and said something on their blog, it was deemed ‘public drama that didn’t belong on the dash’ and I was TERRIFIED that they would end up losing the chance to interact with others. Thankfully they didn’t, but that’s the example I have. No, something like that didn’t necessarily belong on the dash, but they were simply trying to look out for me while watching me have an anxiety attack and contemplate dropping all of my muses and completely deleting all social media. I’ve moved twitters multiple times due to trust issues this whole ordeal has caused for my own mental health. I’ve hidden behind locked accounts because the thought of people who are triggered by public drama having to see something of this scale was at the forefront of my mind. In short, if it seemed as though I was playing the part of a victim, it’s because I have, for months, been confused and hurt without understanding what was going on. When I tried to move past it and remedy my mistakes, I was pushed away and hurt even more by people I called friends.

To sum the entirety of this long post up, I’m upset. Far more upset than perhaps I’ve conveyed here, because I’m doing my best to remain logical and fair. I understand why anyone who has heard these things about me would block me and would want to avoid contact - I wouldn’t want to interact with a racist either. But I’m not a racist. I’m not judgemental. I’m open-minded to a fault, it seems, and my ideal of perfect equality is unrealistic in the world we live in full of murder and segregation. If anyone would like to talk to me in more detail about anything they’ve read here, they may do so at my open twitter which is solely for responding to inquiries about my reputation, my tumblr blog here, which will no longer be active, or my personal discord, which is mad dog!#6346 .

There are likely many issues I forgot to address, or simply don’t know about, but I’d like to thank anyone who read this far. Your attention means more to me than I can express.

#racism tw #segregation tw #murder tw #prejudice tw #self harm tw #suicide mention tw #attempted suicide mention #suicide tw #homophobia mention #war tw #anxiety tw #anxiety attack tw #n word mention #n word tw #anxiety mention #supremacy tw

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i-am-a-closet-fanfic-fiend · 6 years

Text

Missed Connections ~ Steve Rogers x Reader College! AU (Part 7/7)

A/N: Hello my lovelies. So it’s here. The end of the story. I just want to thank you all for reading and commenting and reblogging and liking and everything. I have loved writing this particular story. I hope you enjoy the ending. It’s a little something to wrap up. There will also be an epilogue posted some time this week. All that being said, I really really love these two dorks, so if you have questions about them or things you want my headcanons for send them to me please!! I’d love to answer them (this goes for all of my stories BTW)

Anyways thank you thank you thank you! Enjoy!

Summary: Reader and Steve have some alone time after the dance

Characters/Pairings: Steve x Reader, the others are mentioned

Rating: T for language

Warnings: none really

Word Count: 1154

There was some mutual chastising for meddling and the subsequent payback, but overall everyone was just happy to see you and Steve together. Conversation was soon set aside in favor of dancing. Your group was large enough to form a small mosh pit and somehow managed to push you and Steve to the center.

As the night wound down, everyone was directed out onto the balcony for the surprise finale. Steve moved to follow the rest of your friends but you stopped him. When he shot you a questioning look and gestured towards the crowd of people, you simply shook your head and winked before dragging him towards the back exit.

“Y/n, where are we going? We’re gonna miss it.”

“No. we’re about to have the best seat in the house,” you smirked knowing he had no idea what the surprise was. “Come on.”

Once you were outside you led him down the dirt pathway and over the bridge to the docks. You pulled off your heels and tucked your legs under you, trailing your fingers against the rough wood. He hesitated for a moment before following suit, sitting cross-legged beside you.

“What are we doing out here? What’s the surprise?”

“Watch.”

Just as he turned his attention to the sky above the opposite bank where you were pointing, the first round of fireworks lit up the night.

“Wow,” he breathed out quietly.

You glanced over when you heard him moving around beside you.

“Where are you going?” you asked, surprised to see him getting to his feet.

“Just making myself more comfortable,” he grinned moving behind you.

His hands settled on your waist, pulling you closer so you could rest your head on his shoulder and lace your fingers over his.

“Ooh. I like this much better,” you admitted.

“Thought you might,” he rumbled in your ear, making you giggle.

You stayed cuddled like that long after the last sparks faded from the sky.

“You know, I’m really glad you posted that missed connection,” you murmured turning to smile at him. “Otherwise I’d still be avoiding eye contact and giggling every time you walked by.”

He looked a little surprised by your confession. .

“You were giggling because of me?”

“Oh yeah. Every time. I have zero poker face, so the second I would see you coming I would get this big dopey grin and look at the ground because I was flustered and I thought you would think I was a dork. But once you’d passed I couldn’t get rid of the nervous giddy feeling so I’d end up giggling.”

“I thought you were just always happy,” he admitted, “When I wrote that confession, I didn’t really think you’d even know who posted it, but I figured asking you to smile my way was an easy way to find out if you had even noticed me.”

“Notice you? I was looking for you as soon as I started classes.”

The words slipped out before your brain could shut you up and you quickly pressed your lips together. You toyed with his tie as you leaned against his leg, mortified.

“Does that mean you remembered me from your orientation?”

Your eyes flew to his in surprise.

“How did you know that?”

He offered you a crooked smile as he stroked your cheek.

“Because I remember you of course. I had seen you early on day one but you weren’t in my group so I didn’t see you for the rest of the day. But then you came down to the dance floor at the party that night and your friend asked me to teach you both the SHIELD shuffle. I did but then you went to get your free t-shirt and I had to switch assignments with somebody else before I got the chance to actually talk to you.”

You could feel the broad grin stretching across your face.

“I assumed you met so many people that summer, you’d never remember me.”

“I couldn’t forget you.”

His hand slid from your cheek to cup the back of your neck and you pulled him closer by his tie. You both moved slowly, savoring the moment before your lips finally met. The kiss was soft but exciting and Steve pulled you entirely onto his lap as you tangled your fingers in his hair, clutching yourself even closer.

You stayed on the docks for a few hours, talking and kissing. When you simply couldn’t keep your eyes open anymore Steve insisted on going back to the dorm.

Yawning, you pulled your ID from your purse and swiped it at the station outside the security desk. You offered them a sleepy smile as you showed them the ID and Steve did the same before wrapping his arm around your waist. You leaned your head against his shoulder, and sighed happily.

As you walked past the dining hall, you realized two things: one, late night was still open and two you were starving. Steve took one look at your face and steered you inside.

“Why don’t you find us a seat and I’ll go get us food.”

“Sounds good,” you sighed.

He kissed your cheek and hurried into line for food. As you scanned the room for an open booth you could cuddle up in, you heard Sam call your name.

Looking over, you found your friends piled into the long booth, smirking at you. They had clearly been there since the party ended because they were all still dressed up and waggling their eyebrows at you.

You were sure you looked a mess – your dress was rumpled, your heels were dangling from your fingers, and Steve’s suit jacket was draped around your shoulders. You knew what they were thinking, and on some level you felt you should be embarrassed, but the truth was you couldn’t find it in you to care.

With false reluctance you joined them, sliding in next to Bucky at the end of the booth.

“Hey, doll,” he grinned. “Where’d you disappear to? You missed the fireworks.”

“I think she was busy making fireworks of her own,” Tony grinned.

You rolled your eyes in response, turning away as you answered your phone.

“Hey you.”

“Hey, where’d you end up sitting?”

“Follow the sounds of the obnoxious people,” you smirked at them but shrieked when Bucky poked you in the ribs.

“Oh so you found our friends,” he joked.

“Exactly. Big booth on the far wall.”

“I see you.”

You looked up and saw Steve walking towards you and as he smiled at you, you couldn’t help but think back on the night all those months ago when you first read his missed connection. That one missed connection had turned into a half dozen new friendships and you couldn’t be happier. And as he slid in next to you and wrapped his arm around your waist your smile grew. You could get used to this.

A/N: So there it is. In case any of you were wondering when they first saw each other. I hope you enjoyed this! As I said there will be an epilogue, but also any headcanons/burning questions you have send them my way! Thank you again for all your love and support. It means everything to me.

I also have a ton of ideas that I’m currently fleshing out so I plan on posting an update on all those soon so stay tuned.

Thank you my lovelies!

xoxo Naynay

Missed Connections Tag List @lovethroughthemiles @lamia-maizat @trashcanfullofdork @angry-chipmunk @sukeraa @toastmaster94 @ajduurikscjsja @wordlesscaptain @hurricane--amelia

Steve/Chris Tag List @isaxhorror @peachykeen3502

Marvel Tag List @hdthdthdt @sophiatomlinson23 @misty-panther @supermusicallee

Permanent Tag List @iamwarrenspeace @jayzayy @bexboo616 @neoqueen306 @santheweird @rowenaravencalw @buckitybarnes @prxttybirdz @the-marvel-dc-peasant @samwinchxtr @broitsmydick @ailynalonso15 @nyxveracity @queenoftrash97 @walkingtravesty97

#Steve Rogers #Steve Rogers x Reader #College!Au #Missed Connections #Part 7 #Final Part

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afoolsingenuity · 5 years

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Shift Series: Bearly Married & Trust the Wolf // I Started Nervous And Ended Wanting More

So… there’s an author I had on my radar whose books I was dead excited for… but was also hella nervous about I feel like I got to know Zoe pretty well back in her blogging days so when she announced she’d disappeared in the blogosphere to write a book I was excited. And then when she emailed over a copy of them I suddenly got all kinds of nervous because what I about if I didn’t like it? Can there be anything worse than trying to break that news to someone? And then it was agreed that if I didn’t like it I’d read and we’d never speak of it again. I’ve probably got her all twisted about it actually because I got these books ages ago and I’ve said no words to her… well, these are all my thoughts. Good and bad. I am not going to avoid any negatives but I am so totally invested in reading the next book in the series so you know it’s not all bad.

Bearly Married (Shift #0.5) – Zoe Ashwood

Source: Author/Newsletter Genre: Paranormal romance My Rating:

Love is a great reason to marry someone, but so is desperation.

Alexandre Thibault needs to marry an heiress: his clan’s finances are decimated, and his cousin is challenging him for leadership. He has even found the perfect woman—a pure-blood bear shifter with a hefty dowry—though he never expected the attraction between them.

Christine Bergeron will do anything to escape her family home, though exchanging the city for the Canadian wilderness isn’t as easy as she’d imagined. Especially when she’s in danger of losing her heart to a man who might never love her back.

But as enemies threaten their family, Alexandre and Christine will risk everything to keep their safe haven.

Bearly Married is a prequel novella and it was released as a freebie for joining her newsletter but she sent a copy across in case I hadn’t grabbed it already. It was such an easy novella to read and whilst it had that annoying problem of leaving me wanting more it was in no way unsatisfying as a novella. It was a great introduction to the characters of Alexandre and Christine who play a more significant role in Trust the Wolf (although you have to wait for them so patience is a virtue).

This novella was the first time I’d read any of Zoe’s writing and like I said at the start, I was all kinds of nervous but I want in with an open mind and the writing style I liked. I didn’t instantly love either Alexandre or Christine. I was trying to figure out their world and everything which was happening and so whilst that was happening I wasn’t certain what to think of them. Especially as they come together in some weird archaic arranged marriage. But as I began to figure out their world and how things worked in this shifter realm I began to like them. Especially as you caught glimpses of how Christine is badass and will not take things lying down when her new husband she barely knows tries to stick in a role without any consultation and expects her to be happy with it. And when Alexandre accepts her push back without blinking an eye and actually praises her for it I figured I was going to like these guys.

They were a cute couple who had some crazy stuff going on considering the shortness of this novella. I lot of story was packed within its pages. I think my biggest grumble is I felt like a lot of the secondary characters didn’t get developed enough and I found myself needing more. I didn’t mind shifter culture wasn’t explained too in depth as this was just a prequel and that was to come, but I would have liked more… but that’s a grumble I have with all novellas. It was enjoyable and it did get me excited to continue with the series.

Trust the Wolf (Shift #1) – Zoe Ashwood

Published: 24th January 2019

Source: Author

Genre: Paranormal Romance

My Rating:

You never forget your first wolf.

Emilia’s first encounter with Jason is memorable: it’s not every day you see a stranger change into a wolf. Her attraction to him is undeniable, but the secret he shares shakes the foundations of her life.

Jason’s need for Emilia unnerves him. It’s his job to report shifters without proper ID, yet he can’t make himself do it this time. The decision bites him in the tail when he discovers exactly who she is. He must keep his distance—or there will be hell to pay.

Their fates entwine when rogue shifters learn of Emilia’s identity and will stop at nothing to get to her. Emilia and Jason will have to fight together or risk losing everything.

But most of all? Emilia must learn to trust the wolf.

I’d enjoyed Bearly Married and I was intrigued by where Trust the Wolf would be going but I was still a touch nervous because a full-blown novel is a different kettle of fish to a novella. I thoroughly enjoyed this book, though. There are no doubts to be had about that. I mean, I am eager for the next book to be in my hands because of the little snippet at the end of the first book… it was nowhere near enough to satisfy my cravings.

I will begin with my grumbles to get them out of the way. They are minor things of the grand scheme of things but it did affect my enjoyment.

First off, I struggled to get a clear idea of what I felt like the main characters would look like. Now, I am not saying I have a specific person cast in a role every time I read a book, but I tend to have some kind of fuzzy image in my head as I’m reading. My fizzy image for this book was fuzzier than usual. Now, this is partially the way I read. I have a habit of unintentionally skimming as I read and so skip things without realising (this is especially confusing in sex scenes when you’re like how did they get in that position?) and so I often find myself going back and rereading a scene and this was something which did happen here. There was a description of characters but my brain did not process it and I skipped bits without realising but other books my fuzzy image still develops... I didn’t get that as much here and it bothered me as I read.

I also had some issues with the pacing, but this again a me thing. I didn’t get totally invested in the book until like 20% of the way and I could see some interesting storyline developing, but before that, I honestly didn’t know where the book was going. But then at 50%, it seemed to have stalled a little and I was like where’s my action? And then action happened, but it hit 80% and I was questioning where the action had gone again and wouldn’t if there would be a book that sort of fizzled out. But then I felt like I was on a bit of a rollercoaster to the end so I suppose I shouldn’t complain. I think I would have liked a more constant pace of story… but then I’ve probably complained in reviews before that the book was moving too fast and couldn’t keep up. I guess I can sometimes be fussy. This one didn’t hinder my enjoyment, but since I was never sure what path the book was going to take I was very aware of the pace of the book and it took me out of the story at times.

Like I said, it wasn’t all bad because I am making grabby hands at the second book and there was plenty which kept me reading.

First off, I liked Emilia. I admit, when I first started reading I thought she knew she was a shifter so it was fun to see her reactions to this whole new world which was revealed to her. And I loved that even when this whole other world was revealed there was never any doubt that she would still want her old life. There seemed to be a constant assumption in the shifter world that once you’re a shifter the human world would be forgotten and shifters would be #1 which grated. It was good to see Emilia speaking some sense and putting folks in their place. I have to say, because I read the novella first I was constantly trying to figure out how it connected with this book and so I sort of called it with Emilia’s heritage (why yes, I did high five myself) but I still wasn’t spot on so I really enjoyed seeing her heritage revealed and how that affected both her but also how other characters (namely Jason) saw her.

I was frustrated by Jason in the book, though. I was there enjoying Emilia’s shock and reactions to shifter society whilst wanting to shake Jason. The man was all kinds of hot and cold (and occasionally arctic) with how he was with Emilia and I just so did not have time for that. It was explained pretty well why he was bouncing back and forth with how he felt for Emilia but damn did I want to give the boy a shake and tell him to sort his head out or get lost because I do not have patience for folks being messed about and there was a touch of that at the start. Thankfully, he figured himself out sharpish before I got genuinely annoyed with him otherwise we would be having a very different discussion about my feelings for this book. It was written well his struggle with himself and you couldn’t hate him too much for it because there were reasons!

I have to say the best part of this book was the relationship between Emilia and Jason but especially the sexy times (without being weird). The romance was so strong, though! Like, I knew Zoe could write good romance from the novella but damn did it shine brightest in this book when she had more time to develop the relationship. From the sexual tension building between the pair in a shifter club to a mutual masturbation scene during their road trip right up to when they actually have their bow-chicka-wow-wow moment later on. All were written well and I may not have been fanning myself, but it was close guys. The romance and sex were written so well and there was no cringing (seriously, I’ve had folks use decidedly unsexy language which throws me right out of a book so this is important to note). One moment which clearly stood out for me was when Jason backed all the way off during a heated make-out session towards the start and the couple had banged into a wall or something and Emilia let out a sound which he interpreted as him hurting her as he was being too full on and she then reassured him that it was good and more would be appreciated. I love little moments like that because they feel genuine, but also I like to see couples in romance discuss their boundaries. I don’t need an alpha male dominating with his whips and chains, I want mutual respect and a demonstration that it’s a partnership. I think that moment both set the tone for their romance together but also demonstrated what kind of romance author Zoe is. She will not be writing overbearing alpha males and unbalanced sexual relationships where the male dominates and the meek woman is just along for the ride. She wrote a woman who knew her sexual pleasure and was not afraid to grasp it with both hands and so what she wants. Why is there not more of that in romance?

Now is it a romance review if I am not complaining about folks not using their words? Yeah, there were moments of miscommunication and withholding of information which was annoying because you just know that’ll blow up in their face later on, but instead of falling into the trap of using that as a plot device to push Emilia and Jason apart it actually brought them together. It made them both question what they wanted from the other but it didn’t break them! And another time Emilia had shifted into a bear and was wondering around and you questioned if the designated bad guys were going to get her because woman wondering around alone, feels like a plot device to get her captured and in need to rescuing (boring, because why would want another example of how women need rescuing when we totally don’t) but nope. She gets told she’s leaving shifter territory and to get her ass back in the opposite direction to stay safe. And she even does some rescuing of her own later on, because Emilia's a badass like that. I just felt like this book was refreshing in not falling into the usual plot device traps which can be boring and have you rolling your eyes.

Look, I enjoyed this book. I do still have unanswered questions, but the kind of unanswered questions you expect to see explored in later books. I enjoyed this book a whole lot, far more than I think even I realised when reading because I write this up into more coherent words (you guys did not see my original word vomit take on this book, it was 2000 words long and I wrote it in like half an hour). I am eager for more, especially from the small glimpse I got of Truth or Bear. I am hoping as I continue on my questions about shifter politics and the story behind the bad guys (called the Guard) and I’m hoping we get to see more of the characters I’ve grown to love in this book. Look, it’s a debut, I am not claiming there is perfection, but it’s showing strong potential for some good stuff. I still need to learn more about the shifter world because from what I saw I do not get why Emilia would want to join (they’re a touch controlling in their government) but I do think there is a really interesting world to explore and I can’t wait to return and see this world from a new perspective.

Have you ever read a book by someone you sort of knew and felt nervous about it? And have I convinced you this a series to check out and give a chance?

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#a fool's ingenuity #books

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atleast-we-were-electrified · 6 years

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I REALLY needed this vent...

The past couple of days, I’ve been having a really tough fight with my mental health. I don’t particularly know why or what brought it on, it’s pretty hard to pinpoint but when I get like this, I tend to really dive into the hurt and the pain I’ve felt previously. I suppose this would be natural….feeling anxious and depressed over empty feelings?? Just think about the things that would initially throw you off guard and then you’ve nailed it! (sense the sarcasm). It initially started with thinking of a pretty toxic friendship I got myself into during high school and honestly, toxic is probably a really generous word to describe this. I will try keep this short. I struggled with settling into high school, due to going to a school not in the area I went to primary school…which meant a full new year group of people to try know. I spoke to the odd couple of people in my classes, just because I sat with them etc, got the people I spent lunch with but then I got close with a girl, who we are gonna call Sarah for the purpose of this story. Me and Sarah built a friendship pretty quickly, did nearly everything and anything together…sleepovers, concerts, random walks, mcdonald's runs, the cinema…pretty much you name it, we most likely did it together…we were attached by the hip. The friendship lasted right up until not long before we were going to start our 5th year at high school (maybe nearer the half way point of 4th year, give or take that time period). I was the last to notice the toxic nature that began earlier on in this friendship, I guess the ‘victim’ always is the last one to really know just how bad a relationship is for them because they are so fast to jump onto being the caring person they are. Anyways, throughout this friendship with ‘Sarah’, I was distanced away from the people I had made friendships with from other classes, who I did get on with REALLY well, like really well…'Sarah' would get really angry and upset if I began talking about these other friends in conversation, or other friends we had made through going to gigs, meeting celebrities etc. I, in her eyes, wasn’t exactly allowed to have other friends…”my friend and my friend only” was the kind of attitude she had…but can we make a lucky guess who was allowed to befriend all these other people?….I really got lucky here didn’t I? I would eventually brush of the ‘petty’ arguments we would have…that’s what happened with high school and high school friendships, right? It was the normality. For the most part, this is what I thought and would always be able to see the good in people. Now, this is where I suppose it gets pretty shit. Arguing with ‘Sarah’, for anybody, not just me, was a task. She wasn’t ever wrong. If you called her out for wrongdoings, (which was pretty much 8/10 arguments you’d have, it be at her fault) she would point blame to being upset over her deceased mother. That was wrong of her. SO SO wrong. It turned the original victim of an argument to become apologetic for arguing back. I am by no means disregarding her feelings about her mother’s death, because they are SOOO understandable and something everyone would regret to happen to them…but she had a really horrible, nasty side to her and to put the blame away from herself was really bad. I recall the time where I noticed she would text other friends of hers about me. Sneaking pictures I wasn't aware she was taking, sending them to these people (some I didn’t even know nor met), and then talking down about me. Calling me every under the sun…. Would caption them things like, ‘I mean look at her…’ & ‘even Im prettier than THAT and i'm not that pretty’. I seen ALL of this and to this day, I don’ think she knows I seen anything at all, never mind conversations with a fair few people doing the same thing whenever I was being spoken about. I only know this because she had her iMessage linked up to her laptop, which she would let me use whenever I was over since mine had broke, so she was texting her friend at the time and didn’t realise I was getting each notification through as I scrolled through twitter ….AND I didn't even have the heart to say a word? Why? Honestly, I don’t know….she fell asleep and I ended up snooping a little (yes. I know, I really shouldn’t have but when you see small snippets of messages with your name in them…your anxiety runs WILD). I kept being friends with her for at least another year and a half following this incident. Another incident was that after an argument we had at her house in her room (she had an attic room), I cant really remember what for, I have a really bad short term memory because I am dyslexic but from what I do remember, it really probably wasn’t worth the dramatic antics from it but anyway, I got really anxious and didn’t feel comfortable staying the night and going out the next day, and preferred to go home but instead of letting me leave and have my space…she sat down ON the hatchet door to go down from the attic and its a heavy door without somebody sitting slap down in the middle of it. I spent a good solid hour/ 1hr 30mins nudging her to move, trying to lift it, taking numerous panic attacks and she did….not..care. If I nudged her, she full forced pushed me away. “It’s my room so you’re not leaving here”. All I wanted in that moment was to go home and pull the covers up to my face in my OWN bed in my OWN room and cry my life away. It was a pretty shitty situation, it really hurt me for weeks and weeks after this. I would still talk to these other people in my classes I got really good friends with…while I was in class but god forbid if I ever spoke to them outwit my classes when I should have been speaking to ‘Sarah’…that wasn’t allowed but it honestly, really wasn't the same as many people were aware of the type of person ‘Sarah’ was and saw right through the ‘good girl’ act she would put on. The friendship ended up finishing…finally (tehehe) when I came to my senses after something really, REALLY traumatic happened, for me at the time anyway, which I wouldn’t really know, where or how to even begin to write about that. By fluke, she had lowkey began distancing herself (or she always had but I noticed it this point) a couple months before this incident began happening, so with this happening, I just cut ties because It was realising who my friends were caring about me and not disregarding me feeling how I felt then. She made my life living hell at school for a good month after cutting ties, we were in a few classes together because of us being in the same registration class (so a smaller class of our full year split) , so she wasn’t somebody I could avoid every day at school. It was a very lonely place to be. I’m not gonna list everything she did to make me feel how she did at this point but I was in class before lunch (which she was in) and she was sat talking about me to other girls at the other side of the class for the full 50 minutes and every time id look up from my desk, it was a line of dirty looks looking back at me. When class finished, I stood in the corridor and waited for it to clear a bit and I broke down into tears, I hadn’t cried like this before in public…. And to my luck, the friends I had in other classes, that I was ‘forced’ to break friendship with, were walking in my direction in an empty corridor and saw me in an absolute state and just sat with me and hugged me and just was really, REALLY decent people to me. To this day, I don’t think I could thank these people enough for allowing me to remember what it felt to be cared about. There is literally so so much that went on between all this, that would be an absolute shock to the system if I went back and described it all in detail etc but I’m gonna save myself from crying more than I have / am. I could dive into rumours she started about me, things she would say or do about me while I was literally stood next too her but her choice of wording made it sound differently too myself. She would force me into things I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing ( I tweeted recently about the time where she forced me to let her put make up samples on me, like a full face, in a store publicly because ‘it would make me prettier’ ..and I let her and oh god I felt uncomfortable) Not really sure how and what else to say because as much as she made my life the worse it could have ever been, if anything ever happened to her I would be distraught still. So many people wonder why or how I would even think to concern about her after all the things she has done to me but she is still a person and she is a person I spent a large chunk of my life with and at a part of my life where it is known to be a hard time for a lot of people. I cared A LOT for her, more than I should have but I did. I wouldn’t ever go back there and be friends with her ever again but were both I guess older now and I’d like to think, passing her in the street, I would still say, ‘hey how are you’. I doubt so much, she is the same person she was in high school…everyone grows up and matures eventually but I do still believe she would be capable of doing it again to other people if she really wanted too. I just really cannot believe just HOW blind to the truth I was. Other friends out with school who didn’t even know her, were telling me to cut ties…my mum was….my FULL family was. It was the point where they would refuse her to stay over or to give us a ride places because they just were really disgusted in the things she did too me. She was manipulative, she was controlling and extremely overpowering. NOBODY deserves this. Its made me so much more aware of character judgement but I guess by biggest downfall is always seeing the good in people lmao but I fully sympathise with anyones horrible, toxic friendships. If you are in one, I do not hate anyone for feeling like they are stuck and bound to the relationship because that is how they make you feel…they make you feel like you can’t do things that would jeopardise the friendship….yet that is what they are doing themselves? It is a brave thing to do and as ive said, I will never ever regret it…EVER. It did make the last while of high school so much more bearable and my transition onto my next step of education was ridiculously easier as I wasn’t feeling like I had to stay and finish school (I left a year earlier) because ‘she would be alone’. If you’ve gotten this far, im gonna give you a star because it was such a while ride and this was written purely to get it out my system. I wanted to vent out about my infertility syndrome, MRKH as well as boy has that made me want to rip my hair out and eat it recently alongside reliving the feelings of this toxic friendship again but I will spare that one for now as this is lengthy and I’m not even gonna read it back…I’m too dyslexic for that. As you will have realised, I don’t REALLY do describing things and experiences I’ve had with A+ author grammar and English words so it probably doesn’t come across in words as it does in my head but all anyone needs to take by the end of this is that it fucking sucked and If you’re in a toxic relationship of any kind, it is OK to leave it. I wish everyone the best and I hope ya’ll have nice days💜

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