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ursaminortarot · 3 years

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I’m really fixated on romance right now for some reason, so here we are with a soulmate reading. I’m of the belief that we don’t just have romantic soulmates but platonic and familial ones as well. However, for this reading, I am choosing to focus solely on romance.

I’m experimenting with a new format. I linked each of the readings to a google doc, this is mostly because they ended up being way longer than I’d anticipated (story of my life). I also thought that it might be more organized to do it this way. I’d appreciate feedback on whether or not I should keep doing it.

Piles to choose from:

Pile 1 - Cobra

Pile 2 - Fish

Pile 3 - Cheetah

Pile 4 - Zebra

Pile 5 - Hawk

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[Decks Used: Modern Witch Tarot, Wild Unknown Tarot, Wild Unknown Animal Spirit oracle, Tarot Cats, standard playing cards, and a homemade oracle deck]

This took me 10-11 hours to do, spread out across 3 days. So, if you can support my shop or donate I’d be grateful. Also, please excuse any grammar/spelling mistakes and small incoherencies, by the time I got around to editing the readings I was kind of over it.

My Shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/UrsaMinorTarot

CashApp: @UrsaMinorTarot

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Pile 1: Cobra

Who They Are:

Queen of Wands, 9 of Wands, 8 of Pentacles, King of Clubs

10 of Cups, 7 of Cups r, Justice r, 5 of Hearts

7 of Cups r, 9 of Pentacles r, 6 of Wands, 9 of Diamonds

Death r, 7 of Wands r, 8 of Wands r, Ace of Spades

The High Priestess, The Fool, The Hanged Man r, Ace of Hearts

Mother of Cups r

Winter+New Love

I’m getting some self-made energy here, they are likely a very hard worker who puts in a lot of time and energy. Their success, while appreciated, makes them feel very alone. There’s a lot of wands energy here, so they are generous with their money and it’s possible that other people take advantage of that. The Mother of Cups reversed reinforces this idea as she brings the message: “you give too much of yourself to others”.

The High Priestess, Fool, and Hanged Man being pulled together makes me think they function in two very different ways. Either, they overthink literally everything to the point of never making a decision, or they just do things very impulsively without a second thought.

They want a big, happy family, whatever that means to them. It could involve having children or just having a lot of pets. However, due to past relationships, they no longer feel as though they could trust anyone enough to live out that dream.

They feel disillusioned with love, which gives them a lot of conflicting emotions. Because, again, there’s a lot of wands energy, so they’re a very passionate person. Their current belief that love isn’t real is a direct contradiction to who they are at their core. Winter and new love could be taken literally, like you’ll meet and fall in love with them in the winter. Or, if you wanted to look deeper at it, it could mean that you help them get out of this place of being unable to consider love.

How You Can Recognize Them:

8 of Cups r, Son of Wands, 7 of Wands r, King of Diamonds

5 of Pentacles, Father of Cups, 3 of Swords, Jack of Hearts

The Devil r, The Fool, The Devil, 2 of Spades

10 of Pentacles, The High Priestess r, Queen of Hearts

The Hermit, 7 of Pentacles r, 10 of Cups r, 7 of Diamonds

Hanged man, 4 of Cups r, 10 of Diamonds r

“You’re having trouble getting in touch with your emotions”

“You’re not seeing clearly”

This person has an unmistakable light about them. Being with them is like sitting outside on a nice day soaking up the sun. However, they are still holding on to the past, and this is to their detriment. When you meet them, if you haven’t already, they will be extremely hung up on their ex. They are going to be obsessing over what went wrong and whether or not they can fix it. I can’t tell if they want to fix it to get back together with their ex, because they think it will give them closure, or because they think it will help them avoid making the same mistakes in their next relationship. But, they also don’t actually want to fix anything because that would mean confronting their emotions and they would really rather not. They will likely seem to be existing outside of reality, they are going to be so distracted by this internal conflict that they aren’t going to notice the world around them.

In all honesty, they will be very difficult for you to recognize. You’ll probably notice them because of their light, but you won’t (and shouldn’t) consider them a potential partner - at least not until they’ve dealt with their issues and moved on. I want to stress that while they are so focused on their past relationship(s), that’s not all they have going on. They are a 3 dimensional human being like the rest of us, but this is just the information I was able to get.

I also want to mention that their family is very important to them, they’re the type of person to call or text each member of their immediate family every day. I also get the impression that you two will be friends for a while before getting into a relationship.

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Pile 2: Fish

Who They Are:

Queen of Swords, 9 of Wands, 9 of Cups r, The Tower r, Jack of Spades

King of Swords, Daughter of Wands, 3 of Pentacles, 8 of Diamonds

Judgment r, 2 of Cups r, Daughter of Swords r, The Chariot r, 3 of Spades

5 of Pentacles, Temperance, 7 of Wands, Jack of Hearts

The Emperor, 8 of Pentacles, The Magician r, Ace of Wands, 4 of Spades

“I’m sorry”

Best friends

Between the Emperor and having all of the court cards of the Swords suit, this person has a very powerful presence. They’re almost the kind of person that makes people stop and stare, I say almost because they’re intimidating and people don’t want to be caught staring. Not intimidating in a scary way, they just - and I can’t stress this enough - exude power. They are also very ambitious and highly intelligent. So when they put their mind to something, they will execute it perfectly. Or, at least, they want people to think it was done perfectly. They have a very “everything’s under control” look to them, but they’re barely hanging on by a thread. I feel like one bad day would send them into an existential spiral, because they don’t know who they are if they’re not perfect.

Nothing’s ever come easily to them and they’ve had to fight their whole life to get the things that they have now. They’ve never had the option of giving up. If they gave up, they were worthless, they were nothing - that’s how they’ve always seen it. I imagine there’s a lot of parental pressure at play here. It’s turned them into a workaholic, there’s no work-life balance to be found. I’m getting the impression that the “I’m sorry” card has to do with this aspect of their life.

The “best friends” card speaks for itself. With the Jack of Hearts and Daughter of Wands, there’s a playful energy to them. But these are the only cards pointing this out, which tells me that they restrain this part of themself. I think that you being their friend, as well as their partner, will show them that they don’t need to be so serious all the time. This is something buried so deep it’ll need some time and energy to be coaxed out of them.

This is pretty obvious, but this person’s biggest fear is failure.

How You Can Recognize Them:

Knight of Wands r, 4 of Wands r, 8 of Cups, 9 of Swords

King of Pentacles, The Moon r, 7 of Swords r, Queen of Spades

5 of Pentacles, Mother of Swords, Queen of Wands, 4 of Hearts

Queen of Cups, Daughter of Swords r, Knight of Wands

7 of Cups r, Son of Swords, 4 of Pentacle, 5 of Diamonds

The World r, 9 of Wands r, 8 of Hearts r

You feel as if you aren’t getting the recognition you deserve

Seperation

We’re definitely seeing their more sensitive, playful aspects. However, these are still vastly overpowered by their Swords energy as, once again, all the court cards are out - the Queen’s out twice. Seriously, this person has such powerful energy that it’s the first thing you notice.

I feel like you’ll meet either at work or at school, somewhere where you’re working on a group project together. The people you’re working with aren’t going to take your contributions seriously. But, once they realize you’re right, they’ll claim they were their ideas all along. The Swords family is very fair-minded, so I think this person’s going to have a problem with that.

They have this very detached, uninterested persona and once you’ve spent time around your soulmate, you’re going to pick up on the fact that they are deeper than they want people to think they are. When they’re more comfortable with you, which will take some time, you might catch glimpses of them being competitive/hot-headed or they’ll start making jokes around you. If you’re patient enough, they’ll eventually be vulnerable with you.

They have a fear of the unknown and love is foreign to them, so this is definitely a slow-burn.

In both of these readings I got a wave of pretty interesting energy. It wasn’t anxiety or dizziness, but felt similar to both. I felt like I lost my balance, that’s probably how you'll make this person feel. They have a lot of plans for life and you’re not one of them, so they’ll be thrown for a loop.

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Pile 3: Cheetah:

Who They Are:

Page of Swords r, Son of Cups, The Hierophant, 9 of Clubs

Page of Wands, Mother of Wands r, Page of Cups r, 4 of Hearts

9 of Cups, The Tower, 2 of Swords, 2 of Cups, Ace of Clubs

Queen of Wands r, The Chariot r, Queen of Pentacles, 4 of Spades

Knight of Pentacles, Ace of Wands, Emperor r, 6 of Clubs

8 of Cups, King of Wands

You can’t help everyone

Over-investment in work

Aries

The first thing that I’m seeing is that this person will probably have some self-esteem issues. It seems to be tied to their abilities more so than appearance.

They have a lot of ideas for projects that they want to work on, but they never seem to start anything, let alone finish. I think this is because they try to be everything to everyone and don’t prioritize themself. They find contentment in the idea that everybody likes them, but this can make them a people pleaser. This can lead to them taking on long hours at work to make their boss happy. It’s also unrealistic because there’s not a person on Earth that’s universally liked. I think this is something they’ll come to realize in their own time.

They may come across as indecisive at times, they aren’t. They always know exactly what they want, but can have a hard time asserting themself.

There’s a fire that burns bright here, this person has a lot of drive and ambition. This is where that aries energy comes in, they don’t have to have aries placements so please don’t get fixated on that. But, like I said before, they hold themself back by prioritizing other people and neglecting their own needs. They have the potential to be really successful, however they need to start putting themself first.

This seems like a very sensitive individual, just the thought of doing something under-handed stresses them out. Which is a good thing for other people, because your soulmate’s very charming and could probably talk themself out of anything.

For some reason I get the impression that they have a bit of a sweet tooth.

How You Can Recognize Them:

2 of Swords r, The Empress, Queen of Cups, 3 of Hearts

9 of Pentacles r, Judgment r, The Moon, 10 of Spades

The Fool, Mother of Wands r, Hierophant r, Jack of Diamonds

The Chariot r, The Hermit, 4 of Wands, Joker B&W r

3 of Pentacles, 4 of Wands r, Knight of Wands, 4 of Spades

King of Cups r, The Magician r

You’re having trouble getting in touch with your emotions

September

Think before you speak

Let’s start with the reinforcements of their self-esteem issues, as well as their people pleasing tendencies. It’s exhausting for them, emotionally and physically. They are well and truly holding themself back, and I think that by the time you meet them they’ll be starting to examine these aspects of themself. This will be something they struggle with for a while and there may be a period of time where they withdraw to think things through.

The joker in black and white in standard decks is my fool reversed card, but it’s reversed so its the fool reversed reversed. The fool upright, I feel like there could have been a simpler way for my cards to get that message to me. But I also feel like it represents the way your person talks to themself, they make everything just a little bit more complicated than it needs to be. They think in circles, eventually getting to the point but it may take them a while. This may be a contributing factor to their perceived indecisiveness.

They want to make a home with you. I get the impression that when talking about it with you, they’ll appear to be cool and collected. Like it’s not a big deal to them. But then they’ll turn around and shout it from the rooftops. It won’t be possible for people to not know you’re together, they’ll just be so loud about it.

Outside of the need to make everybody like them, they’re a pretty care-free individual. It will be important to them that you have fun together. I think this playfulness is their most defining feature and probably the first thing people notice about them.

In the first two piles, it looked like they’d be friends for a while before getting into a relationship with their person. That’s not the case here, like I said before, when this person knows, they know. They’re not going to waste time with you.

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Pile 4: Zebra

Who They Are:

The Fool, The Hanged Man, Queen of Swords, Ace of Clubs

6 of Swords r, 2 of Wands, The Hanged Man, Ace of Hearts

Ace of Cups, Mother of Pentacles r, 4 of Wands, Jack of Spades,

3 of Swords r, The Magician, 10 of Pentacles, Queen of Cups r, Jack of Diamonds

3 of Cups, The High Priestess, Strength, The Fool r, King of Spades

Soulmate

Hostile

May

The first thing I’m picking up on is that your soulmate is someone who is very carefree. They also have a lot of romantic energy to them, so they are definitely a hopeless romantic.

The amount of Major Arcana here tells me that this person is likely very spiritually gifted, they might not be consciously aware of this.

This person is kind of a go-getter. Once they decide they want something, nothing’s getting in their way.

There are some conflicting energies here because as happy and carefree as they are, there’s an equal amount of pain and hardship. This is someone who’s faced a lot of hostility, so at first will be fairly guarded. They love the idea of being in love, but have difficulties opening themself up to the reality of love. It’s not all bad, they are making an active effort to heal and not let past heartbreak hold them back.

With the Magician and High Priestess facing each other, this is someone who is likely very in touch with their spirituality. Not only are they able to trust their intuition, but they also have everything that they need to follow it. Once they have a gut feeling about something, whatever it is, they will trust it more than they’ll trust you, and be right 90% of the time.

They are very compassionate and probably are used to giving more than they take, which gets them taken advantage of. Part of their growth is going to be finding a balance in this aspect of their life.

This is someone who values family and most likely wants some kind of family unit, whether that be having children or pets.

The month of May might be important, it could be when you meet or one of you could be a Taurus or a Gemini.

How You Can Recognize Them:

Ace of Cups, 3 of Pentacles r, 8 of Wands, 2 of Swords

Page of Cups, Justice r, 5 of Cups, 7 of Clubs

King of Pentacles, 10 of Cups, Strength r, 2 of Diamonds

2 of Pentacles r, 9 of Cups r, Queen of Wands, King of Diamonds

Death, The Hierophant, Page of Wands, 9 of Spades

Sensitive

Peaceful

There’s still time to change your mind.

One of their prominent characteristics is their sensitivity. This doesn’t mean that they’re crybabies, they are just very mindful of everybody's feelings. This paired with what we learned about the painful parts of their past probably makes them a little insecure. This insecurity is only a problem when it comes to relationships. They may come across as very confident and flirty, but as soon as it moves past that they start clamming up and getting nervous. It could be bad enough that they have a hard time believing that you actually want to be with them.

They invest a lot of time into their projects, whether work related or personal. It’s likely that they struggle with finding a work-life balance. This is someone who needs to feel productive at every moment of the day. They keep themself busy so that they don’t need to be alone with their thoughts. This isn’t someone that knows peace. It is something they’d like to experience, but they don’t know how to. They have too many thoughts and can’t quiet their mind, their inner-demons get the best of them at times. This isn’t something they express outwardly though, everyone around them probably sees them as someone who, while busy, is fairly laid back. They need a lot of guidance here so if you’re someone who meditates, this could be something you help them with.

It’ll be easiest for you to recognize them based on their sensitivity and active lifestyle. They will be extremely helpful to their friends and family, and would drop everything to be there if needed. They are also, surprisingly down-to-earth.

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Pile 5: Hawk

Who They Are:

5 of Cups, Judgment, Queen of Wands, Queen of Spades

Knight of Wands r, 10 of Wands r, 5 of Pentacles r, 3 of Diamonds

7 of Cups r, The Fool r, 10 of Pentacles, King of Spades

2 of Swords r, 9 of Cups, 3 of Cups r, 3 of Spades

The High Priestess r, 3 of Pentacles, Magician r, 9 of Diamonds

“You’re my everything.”

You need to hold yourself to more reasonable standards.

This is someone with a lot of pain, they are overwhelmed and feel defeated. I’m getting the impression that it has to do primarily with work/co-workers. It could be that they put a lot of themself into their work and seem to always get passed up for promotions, or they could have even been recently laid off. They’re very ambitious and intelligent, so if they did get laid off, it would be a big hit to their ego. Alternatively, they could have almost reached a long-standing dream, only for it to fall apart at the last second.

Your soulmate has a lot of fiery passion that they don’t always know what to do with, so they turn everything into a competition. The thing is, they’re only competing with themself. They’re always trying to be better than they were yesterday, even when it’s unrealistic.

As passionate as they are, they can be very patient when it comes to getting what they want. They know that not everything can be rushed, even if that’s frustrating to them. They try to avoid making reckless mistakes, but sometimes this can lead to them not making decisions in a timely manner.

They value family and friends greatly, this could be the most important part of their life to them. They’ll test you to see if you can gain the approval of their loved ones. If you don’t, they may begin to have second thoughts. This is a soulmate though, so you’ll likely be very compatible and win everyone over with relative ease.

How You Can Recognize Them:

5 of Pentacles, The Moon, 4 of Swords, 5 of Clubs

King of Pentacles, Judgment, 5 of Swords r, King of Wands r, 7 of Diamonds

2 of Swords r, Daughter of Pentacles, 5 of Pentacles r, 3 of Clubs

Temperance r, Son of Wands r, High Priestess r, 7 of Swords r, Jack of Clubs

6 of Swords r, The Tower r, Page of Pentacles r, 5 of Hearts

You are not seeing clearly

Hesitant

When You meet this person, they will be coming out of a very rough period of their life. They are going to be at the start of their healing journey and they won’t have a lot of time or energy for romance. They’re likely very hard on themself, they don’t want to be seen as weak so they don’t express negative emotions. This is something they have to confront in order to heal.

They are going to be in a complicated headspace, there’s going to be difficulty separating the past from the present, and there’s not a lot of balance between their spiritual and physical lives. They either reject the spiritual to embrace the material world, or neglect their physical well-being and focus solely on their spiritual self.

You know how some people use their trauma as an excuse to inflict pain on others? This person’s the opposite of that, everything they’ve gone through has made them a patient, compassionate person. This will probably be one of the first things you notice about them, how kind they are. They are also very dependable, they’ve experienced going through hard times alone and don’t want anyone else to feel like they have to.

Overall, they come across as a very good human being, but there’s an underlying tiredness to them. They might be dealing with a little bit of brain fog, so at times they’re slow to process the world around them.

#tarot #tarot reader #tarot reading #tarot pick a card #tarot decks #tarot cards #tarotblr #oracle decks #oracle cards

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symphonicmetal101 · 2 years

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DIA AND BARBATOS HCS

So these are little ramblings I've gone on to discord friends, but I dont have the brain to really clean them up, but I still think they're interesting so. Maybe you will too?

tw: gore, blood, death, ghosts, hospitalization, misogyny, implied pr*gnancy of Dias mother

Dias dad killed his wife bc his own father had done so to his and taught him that a wife is only there to provide an heir. Technically, Diavolo was supposed to be the reason of her death as he was born, but due to improved tech/magic by that time, such was not the case.it used to be considered a rite of passage of sorts, so Dias father also felt a threat to his power if his son did not do what was required of him. After providing a healthy heir, there was nothing other people cannot fill in, and love is a shallow and weak thing to hold on to, so it's better to rid of it. But Dias father truly did love his wife but the spirit of his father haunted him until he lost it and killed her on the operating table. Because of this, he also killed the nurses and doctors that saw it happen and as Dia got older, would place the blame on him in order to cope

Jump to when Dias about 4, hes been seeing his moms ghost and thinks the blood stains and scars make her look fierce, something his dad wants him to become bc he doesn't see it in him already. His mom assures him that he doesn't need to, but after another screaming from his dad, Dia tearfully retreats and starts trying to replicate it with marker

His dad comes in and startles him, snatching the marker away and demanding what he was doing, though he left a gnash on dias chest and arm. Dia turns to his mom, who his father hasn't seen yet, and says "look mama, now we can match"

I like the idea that Barbatos was a teenager when Dia was born, and he was raised by his grandma, who possessed the same power as him. Little did he know, his grandma only worked under the king bc the king killed his parents after she refused to work for him initially.

He was a total delinquent, and often went against his grandma's rules as he abused his power to go back in time and just reverse the mistake(s) he had made. She had too much of a soft spot for him, knowing she was going to pass soon and he would take her place as the butler and right hand of the king, and wanted to let him live his life while he could. While Dia's mom was pregnant, the King went to his grandma and asked her to tell him tales of his sons great reign of what he hoped would be terror and power. The grandma told him such was not the case, in which he got pissed and told her to look farther into the future, and she just tells him that the longer he's dead, the happier his son is. He tells her to pull a Diavolo from another timeline that will become like him, but she refuses, and Dia's mom walks in and is mortified by what he wanted to do. He ends up lashing out, and kills Barb's grandma. Barb comes home from like...partying or something and finds out his grandma is dead. It rattles him, but he just goes back in time so that he can protect his grandma from the King...except his grandma stops him. It loops a few times between the two of them of Barb trying to save his grandma, and his grandma knowing its her time to die. She finally relents, but the demon king has picked up on what's happening and kills the grandma again, in front of Barb, and then revokes Barb's powers so he's only allowed to use them when he's ordered to, and how he's ordered to.

When the king kills dia's mom, he can't order Barb to turn back time because he can't handle the pain of seeing his wife dead again, much less by his son's hand, who he knows will disappoint him later on.

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos #obey me hcs #obey me headcanons #obey me drabbles #obey me angst #obey me rants #tw: death #tw: ghosts #tw: blood #tw: hospitalization #v talks

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keiziahknight1886 · 4 years

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Change

[Change (A Connor x Reader story based on Detroit: Become Human)]

Prologue

Chapter One

xX0Xx NOV 5TH, 2038 PM 08:05:14

After the hostage situation in August, nothing as big has happened in Y/n's life, she took assignments, as usual, joined uniformed officers on patrols, went out with friends, and of course avoided and took care of her dad.

Life continued with no change or progress with her father but she's sort of already gave up with trying to make amends with him. She got used to the cold shoulder even when she'd be the one to drag him to bed.

Y/n spent her Friday night watching a movie with some friends and eating out with them after, as much as her friends like to drink wine she didn't have any. They know she detests alcohol but not all of them knew how badly she hates it.

They ended their little get together after it hit 8PM and the girls said goodbye to Y/n, all but one.

"You doing okay?" the lady next to her smiled and Y/n smiled back at her.

"I mean, I'm doing the best I can."

"Come on, N/n. You know you can talk to me."

"Thanks, Lizzie, but I don't want to worry you about my reoccurring problems that you already know about."

Elizabeth Wilson was her closest friend, although she was much older than her, Y/n loved Elizabeth like a sister. They met when Elizabeth's daughter got lost at a shopping mall, Y/n happened to be in the area at that time and didn't hesitate to help the little girl out. Ever since then, Elizabeth's been the closest friend Y/n ever had.

"Well, I know what can help." she looped her arm around Y/n's and pulled her to a nearby ice cream shop.

"You're the best." Y/n chuckled.

"And it's on me. Aren't I the greatest?" Elizabeth laughed with her.

They spend some time at the ice cream shop telling stories back and forth, Y/n telling her about the mundane cases that she has and Elizabeth doing the same with her own work.

It was around 10PM when Y/n saw the notification about a homicide in Pines. She saw that her father was the one assigned to it and debated on whether or not to help with the investigation but, she decided on the latter and just went straight home after her chat with Elizabeth.

It was around 3AM when Y/n woke up from a noise outside in the living room, she figured it was her dad but she stood and checked it out of caution. She took her gun and placed it behind her back as she walked out.

She tightened her hold on the gun before checking and seeing that it was indeed her father, looking exhausted from what she already knew was his previous assignment.

They both had eye contact and Y/n was the first to look away.

"...You, uh, you got a gun there?" he asked cautiously after a moment of silence.

"Oh- uh, yeah I do... Out of caution, of course." she showed him the gun with her hands raised.

"Yeah, of course. Gotta be safe." he cleared his throat and shuffled on his feet.

She knew he'd only be like this, somewhat interactive, when he's only half-drunk or fully sober which didn't happen a lot. The homicide must have taken all his time.

"Well... I'm gonna go back to bed now." she started walking back but didn't miss his last words.

"Yeah... Uh, goodnight?"

That bought a small smile on Y/n's face, even just little things like this made her happy. This was the reason why she stayed, although a big part of her has given up, some part of her still believed that her dad could get better if he tried a little.

So, she looked back and showed him the small smile she had.

"Yeah, goodnight."

-------

The next time Y/n woke up it was already time for work, she finished her routine and since she was in a good mood she decided to make her dad breakfast.

She made her way to the kitchen and frowned when she saw an empty bottle of whiskey on the table, her mood slightly turned sour but that didn't stop her from making breakfast. When she decides to do something she'll make sure to see it through.

After making and eating breakfast she wrapped the one for her father in plastic and left it on the now cleared kitchen table. She gave Sumo his breakfast and left him some snacks before driving off to work.

When she got to the police station there weren't any new assignments given to her so she decided to have a cup of coffee. She entered the break room where the coffee machine was and she saw that Detective Gavin Reed was already there with Officer Tina Chen.

"Morning, Tina, Gavin." she smiled at the two, more so at Tina than Gavin.

"Morning, Y/n." the officer smiled.

"What's up?" Reed asked as she poured herself a cup of coffee.

Gavin Reed wasn't all that of a good guy, sure he was good at his job and produced results but he had issues when it comes to his behavior. He's insensitive and rude to just about everyone except for a select few like higher-ups and Y/n.

That and Y/n almost broke his arm when he went too far with "joking around" with her which ultimately led him to develop a sense of fear from her.

"Nothing much, haven't gotten any new assignments yet so I figured I might as well. You two?"

"Just finishing up before heading out on patrol." Tina smiled.

"Alrighty, have a good day you two."

When Y/n went out, she went straight to her desk which was a little farther away from her father's, she knew he'd be late today so she didn't even bother glancing at his area.

"Hey, Y/n? You got those files I asked for last time?" Officer Wilson from the desk a little behind her asked and she began sorting out her files and work.

She focused on her work for a bit until her attention altered after hearing the door to the captain's door forcefully open. When she took a look she saw her father, whom she hadn't even noticed arrive, storming out the office followed by what seemed to be an android.

She took a quick glance at her father and the android and somewhat felt bad for the android. It was no secret how much her father hated androids since it's all over his desk too. She knew androids couldn't really feel emotions but she's afraid her father might damage it and, in turn, cost him money.

Y/n sighed and stood up from her desk and headed over to the captain's office without even sparing a glance to her father, they both knew that when she does this it's to apologize for his recent indecent behavior.

Once she enters, Captain Jeffrey Fowler was already leaning back on his chair as if he already knew this was going to happen and, in a way, he did since this wasn't the first time she's apologized for her father's actions.

"Good morning, Captain."

"Good morning, Y/n. At least you have the decency and manners to greet a superior."

"Captain whatever happened please know that I am-"

"Y/n, you don't need to say this again. Every damn time your father does something wrong it's you who always says sorry for it."

Y/n's mouth closed shut and she just looked down. She didn't know why she would do it but she just did. Even if he's turned to this person she doesn't want him to be he's still her father and she just couldn't let something related to him go.

"I'm sorry. I overstepped my boundaries... It's just that he won't do it so I..."

Fowler sighed as he looked at the girl in front of him. Y/n's a sweet girl and she's far too nice and patient for her father's behavior. Every time her father did something wrong she'd be the one to apologize for his mistakes, it was as if the roles were reversed.

"Y/n, I get why you're apologizing for him, I really do. I also understand that he's in pain but you and I both know he can't keep acting like this."

Y/n solemnly nodded. "Can I ask why he's so angry then?"

Fowler then goes on to explain the situation of her father being given the assignment to investigate deviant cases and how her father lashed out about it. He also didn't leave out any details of how heated the discussion got. It soon turned to the Captain voicing out his complaints about her father's behavior and although she wanted to defend him she knew that she couldn't.

"Your father needs to re-learn how to respect higher authority because that kind of behavior has been tolerated long enough."

"I understand, Captain. I can't say it won't happen again because it will but..." Y/n glanced outside to where the android seems to be trying to make her father talk or at least say something to him.

"He hates androids, sir. He hates it more than anything after what happened and seeing as how he acted you know things won't end well even if he does somewhat cooperate."

"So, what are you suggesting we do?"

Y/n took another glance at her father who looked like he begrudgingly answered the android's questions. She knew that even though her father hadn't been the best dad to her in recent years she still loved him and would do anything to lessen his pain.

And so, she knew she had to make a few sacrifices in order for his hurt to lessen even by just a bit.

"Please let me take the case."

Captain Fowler looked at Y/n dead in the eye to try to read what she was thinking but all he could see was that she was determined and maybe a little nervous but she was trying her best for it not to show.

"I have no current assignments since I've finished all of them, I'm a hard worker and you know that I'm fully dedicated when I get something started. If you give this case to my dad he'll do his job, yes, but you're never going to hear the end of it and I'm sure hearing my dad complain all the time is not something you like.

"He might even end up damaging that android outside out of frustration and it'll definitely cost us so I believe I'm more fit for this task."

Y/n made a good point and Fowler could see how much she wanted this but after knowing her for so long, he knew there was something else.

"Tell it to me straight, Y/n. Why do you want this assignment?"

Y/n looked at the captain silently and her eyes traveled to her father who was grumpily working on his desk. Her eyes softened and she could feel her face frown, her heart started aching and she let out a long sigh. She sat down on the chair and looked straight at Fowler, she didn't have to hide the real reason if it was the Captain.

"I don't want my dad to handle this. He's... still not doing good. We all know that... I just... I don't want him to be around something he hates so much. I know he's a great cop and he'd be able to solve this case but... I don't want my dad to be in pain."

Fowler looked at the woman in front of him who was now looking down at her hands. Only a few select people really knew of the real situation between the Andersons and Fowler was one of them.

He saw the two's loving father-daughter relationship disappear over the years and he saw the sacrifices Y/n made for her father. He was perfectly aware that this request was sincere and it was very sweet of Y/n to take the burden upon herself, that's why he liked having her around. She was smart and kind amongst many other things.

"I'll think about it." was his answer.

Y/n looked at the Captain and smiled at him, she was grateful that there was at least one person in the precinct who completely understood her situation and would be understanding towards it.

She left the office and took another glance at her father before going back to her desk and completing some other mundane tasks or helped Wilson with some other files and paperwork.

It wasn't all that hard and she even took some tasks over when Wilson stood up to get another report. When she was alone doing paperwork, she heard a thud and shifted her attention to where the sound came from.

Y/n saw her father grabbing the android by the collar and forcing it to a glass panel, she immediately stood up but didn't know if she should intervene. She saw Wilson look at them and then at her and she gave him a nod signaling him to be the one to intervene.

"Lieutenant... uh...sorry to disturb you. I have some information on the AX400 that attacked a guy last night... It's been seen in the Ravendale district."

"I'm on it."

When he saw her father walking away she let out a sigh of relief, it was normal for people to see him be aggressive from time to time but it still unnerved her.

She heard Wilson give him more details but since the Captain hadn't given her any orders to take over the case she figured she'll just work with what she can for now.

A few minutes after that though, her work was stopped as she heard someone approach and speak.

"Detective Anderson, my name is Connor. I'm the android sent by CyberLife."

xX0Xx Chapter Two

#detroit become human #detroit become human x reader #detroit become human connor x reader #connor #rk800 #x reader #reader insert #connor x reader #dbh connor #reader is an anderson #hank anderson #rk800 connor

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rukakikuchi · 4 years

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LOONA theory - Heejin isn’t God of the LOONAverse; she was a fallen angel

One of the most popular theories regarding the LOONAverse is that Heejin is the God and created not only the LOONAverse, but the other girls as her angels. While this is an intriguing idea, since she is the first member of LOONA and her video “ViViD” essentially marks the start of the LOONAverse and their story, I don’t think Heejin is a God.

I mean, would an all-powerful God want to turn themselves into a high school girl and get stuck in an infinite time loop curse?

Okay okay, joking aside, while I found the idea interesting, I personally just see Heejin as a normal girl. However, I have recently been considering a new idea in regards to who Heejin really is.

In my theory about ViVi, I mentioned that her representative color was pastel rose, a shade of pink and an irregular color. Well, Heejin’s representative color is also a shade of pink; bright pink. And we’ve previously tied the colors of the girls to which world they might have originated from. So this got me thinking…

Was Heejin originally from Eden? Or perhaps even Heaven?

Heejin’s story

So we’ve already talked about Heejin’s story in “ViViD” in the context of her character in the LOONAverse, as well as through dream analysis, but now let’s look at it and see what clues we can find to Heejin potentially being from Eden.

We see Heejin working as a servant or housekeeper for a woman in black (played also by Heejin) lamenting her boring, repetitive days and wishing for a life filled with vibrant colors and excitement.

The woman she works for is clearly wealthy from what we can see of the music video. From the colorful mansion to the fancy clothes, there’s an overall feel of elegance and wealth to it.

And as we know, Eden is meant to be a perfect world, though that “perfection” comes at the cost of personal freedom. And Heejin isn’t happy with the life she’s living. She’s bored of doing the same thing over and over; she wants something new, something different, something that excites her.

She says in her lyrics, “I wish for a new day each day I wake up, I don’t want to become numb towards myself without the light.”

This could’ve led her to the decision to leave Eden. I mentioned before that in the final shot of “ViViD”, she looks out the window as if she senses something. Maybe she felt something calling to her, or a strong desire to go to Earth.

Either way, she finally decided she had enough of her monotonous life in Eden and escaped. But, like we discussed with ViVi if she was originally from Eden, Heejin left without eating a forbidden fruit.

She didn’t become an android, but I think she could’ve lost her memories of Eden completely by the time she arrived on Earth. Or, perhaps like with ViVi’s memories, they were simply altered.

Another “ViViD” story

It’s interesting that Heejin has two versions of her solo song; the original jazzy “ViViD”, and the more laidback acoustic remix.

She didn’t get a second solo song like Kim Lip or Yves, which would’ve continued the pattern of the first member of each subunit getting two solo songs. They specifically gave her two different versions of the same song, similar to ViVi’s solo with “Everyday I Love You” and “Everyday I Need You.”

In fact, the two music videos we got for both versions seem to serve the same purpose as ViVi’s. “Everyday I Love You” showed us a restored though slightly warped version of ViVi’s human memories, while “Everyday I Need You” focused on ViVi in Hong Kong in what we can assume is the present day.

Now what about “ViViD”? Well, while the music video for the original version shows Heejin dreaming of a more exciting, colorful life in luxury, the video for the acoustic mix shows us Heejin on Earth, in Paris.

The footage was actually shot during the photoshoots for Heejin’s single, and most of the sets show Heejin in a gorgeously lavish mansion, wearing fancy clothes and jewelry.

Moreover, she’s clearly happier, and more free.

Interestingly enough, they actually include a few clips that clearly show the photoshoot going on, with the staff visible, and Heejin talking to the camera. Several of these clips were even used in LOONA TV.

Now, outside the context of the LOONAverse, it’s a cute little montage of behind-the-scenes footage from Heejin’s Paris photoshoot. But what does it mean *within* the context of the LOONAverse?

Are we to assume that the real Jeon Heejin’s life as an idol is at least somewhat shared with her fictional counterpart in the LOONAverse? I wouldn’t say it’d be completely out of the question. After all, in Cinema Theory, there was a special clip called “ViVi’s Letter to Hong Kong” which showed the girls living their lives as idols but also contributed to the lore simultaneously (namely the ending shot of Jinsoul in her outfit from SCL).

It could be possible that Heejin becoming an idol would help her find the other members to gather LOONA, and they use their music to spread their message to other “LOONAs” in order to help them break out of the loop.

Moreover, there’s a shot that shows Heejin on a merry-go-round, perhaps representing her being stuck in the loop.

I also just generally find it intriguing that Heejin’s photoshoot have her in such fancy settings and dresses. Maybe this Heejin’s life is wealthy and luxurious, similar to the life she dreamed of having in Eden, but because she didn’t have the other members around, she could feel deep down that something was missing.

Heejin’s connection to Olivia

It’s been made clear to us that there is a connection between Heejin and Olivia. They’re the first girl and last girl to debut respectively. One girl not only has bright pink as her representative color, but wishes for her life to be full of vivid colors like a rainbow, while the other has silver or black as her representative color. They are day and night, the beginning and the end.

If Heejin was originally from Eden, it would make sense that they’d know each other, just like ViVi’s connection with Yves.

In fact, if you watch the Cinema Theory teaser, Heejin is the only one shot in black and white, holding a black bunny instead of a white one like in her solo video.

Olivia was just shown as a silhouette, because she hadn’t been revealed yet, but why would they have Heejin, the girl associated with bright vibrant colors like pink, be shown in black and white?

Could it be representing when she was in Eden, and how she saw her life as lacking color? Or maybe it’s her shadow/dreamworld counterpart, something we’ve associated with being shown in black and white in the past. That could also explain why her rabbit is black instead of white; because things become reversed on the flipped side of the Moebius strip.

Okay, now that we’ve discussed one possibility, I’d like to discuss another possibility for Heejin’s true identity.

Heejin, the fallen angel

I’ve already talked about how I believe that the true God of the LOONAverse is a Goddess named “LOONA” and each girl might represent some aspect of her.

Well, I think Heejin might’ve actually been an angel who served under the Goddess, possibly even helping her create the LOONAverse. Like I said earlier, she was seen in “ViViD” as a servant, tasked by her master (who I have also theorized could be the Goddess taking human form to watch over Heejin) to clean the mansion.

Heejin might’ve been in charge of keeping the LOONAverse stable. But remember, Heejin is ambitious, a dreamer, and gets bored easily.

She might goof off every now and then instead of doing her job. She might dream up her own ideas of what she’d want to have in the LOONAverse. And that hubris might’ve gotten the better of her.

There have been a couple of hints that the story of Icarus plays some part in the LOONAverse. We see it referenced in Yves’ solo song...

And there was also a painting of “the fall of Icarus” depicted in the mansion where yyxy taped their videos.

What if Heejin caused the LOONAverse to become unstable? Maybe she tried to add something into the LOONAverse to make it more exciting, more full of vibrant color, like she would want. However, whatever she did made the world unstable.

I’ve seen a theory that Heejin might’ve been the one to cause the loop the girls are trapped in, and if that were the case, maybe the LOONAverse becoming a Moebius strip was a result of that instability.

Regardless whether or not she did, she might’ve tried to undo her mistake, or even flew down from Heaven in order to try and stop the instability from getting worse.

Eventually, Heejin got caught up in that instability, drowned in the colors as they spread out of control, like we see in the music video. The Goddess likely undid what happened, as we see the colors fading by the end of the video, but it doesn’t completely get rid of the instability. The LOONAverse is now stuck in a Moebius loop, and Heejin is turned into a human girl without her memories as an angel.

It’s also possible that the instability and time loop curse might’ve been caused by an outside force. Pandora’s Box is mentioned in Kim Lip’s solo.

I even wrote a short story based on the LOONAverse where I portrayed the girls as angels, and that chaos was unleashed onto the world after a devil was released from a box. (Read here.)

Whatever the case may be, if Heejin was in fact an angel, she might’ve fallen from Heaven because of her ambition getting the best of her, and tried to save her friends and the world her Goddess made, only to become trapped on Earth as a result.

Hope you guys enjoyed this theory! Let me know your thoughts as well!

Until then, stan LOONA!

#LOONA #Heejin #LOONAverse #KPop #Music #Theory

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faul-lacks-motivation · 4 years

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A Simple Analysis of the Differences Between FMA (2003) and FMA:B

I just spent the past week rewatching both Fullmetal Alchemist (2003) and Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and I have THOUGHTS that I need to put out into the void to get over the emptiness I feel from finishing such a wonderful series. Thoughts surrounding the distinct story and theme differences in the endings of both series. Please, come along for the ride if you wish. Spoilers a-plenty ahead.

To preface, I first watched the original Fullmetal Alchemist series about ten years ago, in either 2009 or 2010. I loved it. Everything was amazing, except, I was disappointed in the ending - which is really spawning this whole analysis. After I finished the series, and the movie to cap it off, I found Brotherhood on the streaming service I was using, and was rightly confused. FMA was one of my first introductions to anime, so I didn’t know much about the world of anime or manga. Because of this, I asked my older brother and he told me not to bother with Brotherhood. (Idk if his thoughts have changed regarding this). So, it wasn’t until, maybe four years later that I decided to give Brotherhood a chance. First, I saw a few random episodes on Adult Swim, and was confused that 1) Al could do alchemy without a circle, and 2) why the hell was Ed so tall? For the first confusion, I blame that on forgetting the lore of how the hand clapping alchemy plus the truth gate worked, and thought it was something special only Ed could do. Around this time, I realized that my school library had the FMA mangas, so I decided to start reading them, and was of course, enamored. Then, I think the library didn’t have all of the mangas, and somehow I had realized that the Brotherhood anime was basically identical to the manga, so I decided to pick up in the anime where I left off in the manga.

I honestly don’t have much memory of watching FMA:B all those years ago. Maybe that’s because the last, what, 20 episodes is the finale, lol. But I do remember enjoying the ending, and wishing that I could pair the entirety of FMA with the ending of FMA:B. What I enjoyed so much about FMA was the serious, dark tone of it. At the time, I felt like FMA:B had a lighter, sillier tone to it, and I was pining for those depressing moments in FMA where Ed was losing his mind. What can I say? I like intense characters and shows.

When I began my rewatch a week ago, I was reminded of just how dark FMA was. Of course, I still enjoyed it. I had a wonderful time reliving the show and rediscovering plot lines, and watching the boys do everything they can, but then I got to the last few episodes. To be clear, and for those who maybe haven’t watched FMA, the whole show is dark and depressing. There is very little hope. It is far more brutal and bloody, with the reality and trauma of war, even resulting in the r*pe of a beloved side character. Really, the writers just went off, which I think is evident by the story line of Tucker. The flipside of that, is that the darkness and trauma is toned down in FMA:B. It’s not as gory, and there’s more hope. Even the whole reconnecting the nerves thing that Ed goes through with his automail is far less painful. There is more comedy in FMA:B, but I realized in my rewatch that it is deserved and does not disrupt the tone and still allows for the show to be serious.

Don’t get me wrong, I love FMA for what it is. Like I said, I like intense characters, and I was waiting for those intense battle moments where Ed is scrappy and resourceful, and maybe on the verge of a mental breakdown. We get that in FMA:B too, but just not as much. During my rewatch, though, I realized how slow the pace of the show was, especially when you get to the second half. I’m sure we can discuss that this was because the anime started when there was just a few volumes out and the creator wanted the anime to take on a different story, which they certainly did, but it is slow. Especially when you compare it to the pace of Brotherhood.

Now, my biggest qualm is the ending of FMA. It always has been, and here’s why: there is no internal change within Ed and Al. They end where they began. Writing and pace aside, the end of the FMA series has the boys alone. Loneliness is the one of the biggest differences between the two stories. Throughout FMA, the brothers are always keeping their mouths shut and just trying to stay on track with their mission. The adults, and Roy’s gang, try to step in, try to help and offer support, but the boys are still pretty hell bent on keeping it a family matter. And this gets into the “no hope” aspect to the tone of the show. After shit goes down in Liore and Al becomes the philosopher stone, he and Ed take off on their own. Sure, Roy’s gang stops them, and tries to help, but even then, Ed and Al still stubbornly keep their secrets. Perhaps this is because they truly feel there is very little hope. They know that the philosopher stone is made from human lives. They thought that they had saved Liore, when in reality, they contributed to how fucked up it got (which is a huge difference in FMA:B). Now, thousands of soldiers are dead, they’re fugitives, and Al himself is a philosopher stone. I can even argue that Ed is far more emotionally stoic in this series, which contributes to the tone.

Sure, the boys do achieve some change when they encounter their mother-homunculus. They find acceptance with her death, but they are still alone. And mind you, at this point in the show, we’re winding down, yet these battles don’t feel intense and climatic. They’re somber. Sad. A big theme of FMA is “what does it mean to be human?” This is a big part of Lust’s character, and she does what she can to help the boys, and then fizzles into death, thinking about her human life and love. Sloth acknowledges that she could love Ed and Al, but she wants to kill them, and at the very end she accepts her death. Wrath, a lost child who wanted a mom because he felt abandoned, now loses his mother figure in Sloth, and loses his mind. He’s crying out about wanting his mother and wanting to bring her back (a foil for Ed? What? No way). The boys are separated, having felt loss once again.

Then, we get the final battle. I’ll gloss over the parallel world thing, but what we get, is the boys going into battle alone. Sure, Al didn’t have a choice, but Ed did. He is so caught up in his turmoil and his desperate need to save his brother from his mistakes. He can’t fathom bringing in anyone else, and the crazy part is that all the adults in his life let him go into battle alone. There is nuance to that, of course, it’s not so cut and dry, they all had shit to do, but still. Even with Hohenheim around, he offers very little to his sons, and also goes off into battle alone (which yes, is similar to FMA:B, but his decision kept the boys out of the loop, and fucked up everyone).

And then, in the most anti-climatic moment, Ed dies. Envy shocks him with the reveal of his appearance (which I would call bullshit on), and he straight up dies. Not in a heroic way, just in a sad, he ran out of luck way (which is reflective of the serious tone of the series). And really, even with all of that, the boys basically luck their ways into saving the world. Once the villain is taken care of, Al does something out of desperation. He uses the philosopher stone, and sacrifices himself, to save his brother. What ensues is a cycle of toxic desperation and sacrifice. He uses the stone, which really, they both said they shouldn’t use because of the lives lost. What he does, is not accept the reality and finality of death, which if they were going to have an internal change by the end, it would be accepting that. But he doesn’t, so he brings Ed back. And then Ed, not respecting that his brother wanted to give himself up, decides to then sacrifice himself to bring Al back. What we see, is the same problem that they got into in the beginning. Their incapability to accept death and move one. They can’t even find a new way to bring their bodies or souls back, Ed does what he did when he was a child to sacrifice himself to bring Al back. And the sad thing is that Ed is completely calm during this. He knows what he is doing. And, it is sad. Even after that, when we learn of the new, younger Al, who doesn’t even have his memories of the past 3-4 years of him and his brother, states that he still wants to continue their mission. What we see, is that nothing was learned. Al is going on the same mission he started the series with. And sure, at the end of the movie that finished the series, they are back together, but they are alone in a different world without alchemy. And we, as the viewers, know that there is very little chance of them coming back to their home world. FMA ends, with the boys alone, still.

Now, on the flipside of that we have FMA:B. Instead of the boys stubbornly refusing help until the very end, they let others in. They know that they need help. It’s why the finale is basically the last 20 episodes, because there are so many moving parts to save the day. And I’ll be real, when watching those final episodes, I did find myself wanting more of solo brother moments. I wanted to see more of Ed’s resourceful fighting, but because he had so many people on his side, he didn’t need to resort to that. And that truly is the point of FMA:B: having people on your side. Getting down to the last moments, what we have is 1) a far more epic battle, and 2) Al still sacrifices himself. BUT, this sacrifice feels justified. In the moment he decides to do so, he knows that Ed is about to die (emphasis: about), and that his soul seal is about to break. His sacrifice calls back to the other soldiers who sacrificed themselves to get in a mortal blow on the enemy. And Al uses logic with this. He realizes that if Ed gave up his arm for Al’s soul, then the reverse is true, and in that moment, Ed needs his arm in order to fight back. Al knows, that either he does nothing and they both die, or he sacrifices himself because he was going to die anyway and save his brother and everyone else.

And Ed accepts this. He is angry and upset, of course, but he is able to stop the bad guy. And then we see his internal change. He is offered a philosopher stone to bring back Al. He says, no, of course not. His own father insists and offers himself because he is a philosopher stone. Again, no, of course not, this is our problem, we can’t sacrifice anyone else. So he thinks. He realizes everything he now has in his life, everything he gained, and decides to sacrifice something he really doesn’t need: his alchemy. If you think about it, the only reason he got so invested in using alchemy was out of lonely desperation to bring back his mother, and then to restore Al’s body. Why would he need alchemy when he has the support of so many loved ones and his brother?

With FMA:B we get a satisfactory ending. Because the brothers are able to change and allow support from others, they are able to get back what they wanted. (I would assume that Ed probably didn’t care too much about getting his limbs back if it meant he got Al back, but hey, one out of two aint bad). Ed and Al are able to move on, and look brightly into their futures. Personally, I found that Ed being unable to use alchemy a bit of a bummer, but again, he recognizes that he doesn’t need it, and in the ending he reflects that the sacrifice was worth it, because it was. He got back his whole world and then some.

What we have are two very different stories. I would argue FMA is a cautionary tale of loneliness and refusing help. FMA:B is the opposite. While both are enjoyable and intense and cinematic, that difference sticks with me.

#fullmetal alchemist #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #Edward elric #alphonse elric #meta #fma #fma:B #I seriously love this series so much #I could honestly go on and on about how amazing it is #there is so much more I could say #I hope you enjoyed

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meshkol · 5 years

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Title: Choices Rating: Teen and Up Pairing: Tony Stark/Stephen Strange (IronStrange) Additional Tags/Warnings: angst, unresolved, post-IW, trauma

Notes: For the IronStrange Gift Exchange 2019, hosted by @ironstrangehaven.

Well, this is being posted late, which is quite sad because it's been done for weeks upon weeks. Real life and a lot of...things got in the way, but I'm tearing myself away from RL for a second to post this.

This is for @beemotionpicture, who is my giftee. I do hope that this is not a colossal disappointment and you get some modicum of enjoyment out of it. Pretty much went off the rails about two-point-three seconds after I started writing your suggested prompts. It was a lot of fun to write, especially since I don't generally get to sink my teeth in fics like the ones you prompted, and I do hope you enjoy it.

Beta'd by the magnificent @codee21, who has been one of the kindest people I've ever had the pleasure to meet and always has time to listen to me rant. Bless your face, darling, and thank you for everything you do/are. Any remaining mistakes are mine alone.

Enjoy!

Stephen compartmentalises better than most.

It’s a learnt trait of a medical professional, he supposes, and personnel who can’t compartmentalise properly tend to not make it far in the profession. Doctors can’t break down every time they misdiagnose or accidentally kill a patient, after all, and for all Stephen’s arrogance, nurses have it worse since they do the bulk of the work. Compartmentalisation is imperative to a person in the medical field or they’ll lose their mind, and Stephen had had a lot of practise from his restrictive, borderline abusive childhood to boot.

Tony, on the other hand, doesn’t compartmentalise well in the slightest.

It’s glaringly apparent, and has been since Iron Man first took to the skies to destroy illicit weapons built by Stark Industries and sold to terrorists. Tony takes every single cent of damage to heart, every person who wakes up screaming from nightmares after suffering through calamities brought about by SI weapons or Avengers business, every lost business or city that is destroyed in a firefight, every death that results from something Tony could have somehow prevented. It’s a lot of guilt and trauma and self-depreciation, originating from that piece of shit father and his kind but neglectful mother, and it kills Stephen to know that it’s never going away, that Tony will never be able to develop the neural connections that enable him to forgive himself.

Stephen’s kind of always known this since he had first seen Tony Stark testifying on Capitol Hill on C-SPAN, though not to his current fidelity, and he’s become more familiar with it since coming into possession of the Time Stone and experimenting with it. He’d gone forward in time just enough to see the Civil War break out, see the lengths Iron Man and Captain America would go to (in some instances, even the killing of one or the other) in order to follow through, and he wonders what the world would be like if he had looked further ahead or even gotten involved personally to mediate the conflict.

He knows it intimately now, though. He’s seen every deep scar and bleeding wound in Tony’s psyche, seen every tear and drop of blood and sharp scream of agony torn from Tony up close and personal, and he’s seen it 14,000,604 times.

With almost every iteration of the future, he sees Anthony Edward Stark find comfort with Stephen, even as war rages around them, and sees Tony healing as much as he can until he’s finally found some semblance of peace. He sees them sharing the remainder of their lives together, always fighting but still finding love and companionship with each other at their sides. He sees meals being shared and secrets being given, sees long looks across battlegrounds and bodies twining together in passion, and every single part of Stephen wants. He wants that forever, wants a future with the most generous and kind-hearted human being he’s ever had the pleasure of knowing throughout 14,000,604 ultimately short lifetimes, and it aches that he can’t have it.

Because in every single one of those iterations, Tony dies, and half the universe follows suit.

The only anomalies to those countless futures are when Tony dies on Titan, instead of on other planets or Earth itself, and that’s almost as terrible as losing him once they’ve fallen into each other’s arms because Stephen still knows what he’s missing, what he could’ve had with such a monumental, half-broken man. Those futures are just as unacceptable, because Thanos still wins and Tony still dies, so he throws out that iteration and starts another, desperate to save both.

There is only one timeline where they beat Thanos and Tony Stark lives, and the only way to win is if everyone else dies first.

It will be corrected, of course, because Tony is brilliant and clever even when he is destroyed and beaten, tortured and full of grief. Corrected, yes, but not before he has to watch his friends die and pseudo-son turn into dust in his arms, not before he starves and nearly asphyxiates in the cold emptiness of space just like he had been shown in Maximoff’s vision, not before he has to suffer the screams of a devastated aunt at the death of her nephew, not before he has to plan a funeral for half of the Avengers, not before he has to work himself into the ground for the answer to victory, not before he has to suffer through riots of why didn’t you do more why didn’t you save us you could have saved us! just like in his nightmares, not before Pepper Potts miscarries their unborn child due to stress and trauma when she sees Tony lose half his body after wielding the Infinity Gauntlet. No, Tony has to suffer through the weight of the world at Thanos’s hands, at Stephen’s hands, before he can set the world to rights, and saving the world before the end can even come to pass doesn’t erase the grief and sorrow, the pain and agony, of his experiences. Stephen knows that from personal experience, dying and dying and dying at the hands of Dormammu.

And giving up the Time Stone for Tony’s life is the choice that will destroy any and all chance of a future happiness, because Tony will never trust or love Stephen after he wakes up from his coma.

Stephen chooses life over giving Tony a brief, but ultimately fatal moment of peace.

He doesn’t have another choice.

—

When Stephen first opens his eyes after dying, he simply reacquaints himself with existing.

When he’s lightheaded on the smell of dust and tea in the air, when he’s over-warm with the sunlight that streams through his bedroom window, when he can feel the shiver of the Cloak around his shoulders and the soft sheets of his bedding against his tingling palms, when all he can hear is his steady breaths and the heavy thud of his heartbeat in his ears, he finally understands that he’s succeeded, that Tony has succeeded, and that all hope hasn’t been lost after all.

Stephen breaks.

—

His title and abilities as Sorcerer Supreme means that he remembers everything.

No one else besides Tony remembers what happened to the universe, other than Stephen himself. Tony had reversed the Snap – as well as everyone’s memories of it – out of pure mercy and kindness, but Stephen’s mastery of the Time Stone plus the time loop Stephen had applied before dying had ensured that his memories were untouched by Tony’s reversal. He likes to think that it had been to cover his arse just in case the loop hadn’t worked, giving Stephen the ability to correct a possible mistake if needed, but mostly it’s to punish himself. After all, Stephen had committed the most violent and sadistic violation of the Hippocratic Oath and his own personal ethics, in the sense that he had subjected a single man to the weight of the universe’s pain and forced him to suffer for it, breaking him beyond all conceivable measure.

The bittersweet pain of those impossible futures with the love of his life, the unbelievably brave and imperfectly perfect Tony Stark, only worsens Stephen’s guilt and heartbreak.

He doesn’t know if Tony’s aware that Stephen still lives with his decision, but it doesn’t matter in the end. At the end of the day, Stephen would make the choice again if he had to, and while he regrets the pain and suffering that he’s inflicted on Tony, he doesn’t regret the choice itself. How can he, when the universe hasn’t been cruelly cut in half? How can he, when he sees Spider-Man slinging his merry way through Greenwich Village occasionally as he chases some baddies, very much alive and ready to make the world a better place? How can he, when the Avengers are reunited and save the world from continuing threats? How can he, when Tony is alive, surrounded by people who love and cherish him even if it can’t be Stephen himself, people who can lift Tony up when everything feels like it’s too much and the horrors of the past are tearing him apart.

He can’t regret a decision like that, even if he knows that Tony’s drinking again, and his relationship with Pepper Potts was never revitalised, and he always looks exhausted and haunted in the papers. Stephen loves Tony Stark more than anything in this world, but choosing Tony’s happiness over the survival of trillions of innocent souls is even more unforgivable.

The sorrow and heartache weigh heavily on Stephen’s own soul, and as he watches CNN rehash an Avengers battle – Tony intentionally putting himself in harm’s way, throwing himself into potentially fatal situations, like he’s trying to kill himself – he can’t help but wonder whether he made the right choice anyway.

It hurts, and Stephen’s not sure if he can survive this pain himself.

—

The first time Stephen sees Tony with his own eyes after waking up, it’s during battle.

Doom’s a magic user with a dangerous artefact in his possession, and that is Stephen’s area of expertise. Doom’s also deliberately attacking the Fantastic Four like he always does, which has resulted in quite a bit of damage and chaos in the Lower East Side, and so the Avengers had assembled as per usual. The only team that’s not in the general area is the X-Men, and while the help would be appreciated, it would also oversaturate the battlespace and God knows they don’t need that. It’s already hard enough targeting Doombots when there are civilians to evacuate, not to mention an abundance of friendlies flying around everywhere that get in the way of spells and attacks.

Stephen’s apprentices and various masters are mostly being delegated to civilian evacuation, with self-defence as a secondary mission parameter, mostly because a good majority of them can clone themselves and also because the Doombots are machines connected to an advanced AI. That’s more in the specialty of the Fantastic Four and Avengers – particularly Tony, Banner, and Reed – and Reed has his team fighting Doom directly, since the arsehole has a specific grudge against Reed. Still, Reed’s a bit distracted trying not to die (or get Sue killed), and Tony’s apparently on a one-man mission to personally destroy as many of the Doombots as he can get his metal hands on, which leaves Banner, who’s flying around as the Hulk and obviously can’t hack into the AI basecode. FRIDAY is probably working on it on the side of helping Tony in the air, and he’s sure that the Vision is as well, but taking out the AI won’t necessarily turn the Doombots off and besides, it’s not like Doom doesn’t have the ability to self-destruct them manually.

It takes a long time before Stephen gets the jump on Doom, sending him to Hell to rot (not that he won’t find a way out eventually, the weaselly bastard), but he’s only able to get that jump because of Tony flying in from stage left, attacking Doom with a blast of repulsor energy when Stephen had been cornered, and all he’d said through his armour when he’d unleashed the blast was “The only person who gets to kick his ass is me!”

Stephen’s exhausted and heart-sore by the end of it, panting heavily as sweat pours down his face and spine – he distinctly remembers Doom being less powerful, and that’s going to need some researching – and he helps take down the last remaining Doombots before he’s portalling out of there as fast as he can, into the safety of his personal quarters so he can fall apart.

He doesn’t know how long he cries, choking on his own tears and snot and feeling like he’s burning inside his skin, but it’s long enough for him to fall asleep from the strain of it, still in his torn and filthy robes and covered in grime.

Mercifully, he doesn’t dream.

—

The next time is face-to-face, a few months after that encounter with Doom.

He wakes up in Kamar-Taj, bones and flesh aching from magical strain and the severe beatdown, and it’s the worst he’s felt since the car accident. There’s a flash of fear – am i broken am i paralysed am i unable to be the sorcerer supreme anymore is my body too broken – and then another answering flash of relief – no more hurting people no more failure this is what i deserve – before everything eases into a calm blankness, because even paralysed and broken he’ll still do his duty until he dies permanently, even if all he wants to do is sleep forever, because that’s what he was born to do. He was born to shoulder the weight of the universe just as much as Tony Stark was, born to suffer and break as long as it protects and shelters others, and in that, they will always be connected. A shared destiny, and without the comfort of sharing it with each other.

He opens his eyes, swollen half-shut and crusty around the edges, and focusses his eyes on Tony Stark, standing at the window to the snow-capped mountains of the Himalayas with curved shoulders and heavy eyes.

He wonders how Tony even knew Stephen was at Kamar-Taj in the first place – he doesn’t file most reports and missions with the Avengers, let alone the U.N., and it’s not like Tony is friends with any sorcerers – and then decides it’s irrelevant. It ultimately doesn’t matter, because Stephen knows why he’s here, a year after the Snap was reversed and the universe forgot the sacrifice Tony had made.

It’s not like the pictures or books or stories; they don’t stare at each other for a long time, eyes blazing and hearts racing, before they exchange words like why did you do it and i’m so sorry until there’s nothing but tears and dramatic grasping of bodies as their mouths connect in a conclusion meant for epics, because they’re Meant to Be and Hopelessly in Love.

No, it’s much simpler than that.

“Do you regret it?” Tony asks, quiet and even.

“Yes,” Stephen replies, and it’s a struggle to keep his own tone careful and smooth, “and I would do it again.”

Tony nods once, eyes distant, and whispers, “So would I.”

Then he turns on his heel and leaves.

—

Stephen sees Tony Stark many more times over the course of his life.

Always separate, always distant, but their eyes always meet over briefing tables and battlefields nonetheless. Stephen wonders if Tony’s aware of the possibility between them, the capability of love and devotion and companionship they could’ve shared, but it makes no difference. To Stephen, Tony is the soul he had to sacrifice to save the universe, and to Tony, Stephen is the soul who condemned him. No amount of wishful thinking or unfulfilled futures can change that, or erase the trauma they’ve both suffered, and because of that, they will never be able to bridge the gap and heal from it with each other. There’s just too much in the way, in the middle of such possibility.

Maybe they could’ve tried, come together to scream and yell and get on their knees to beg for forgiveness, but Tony’s too broken to reach for a semblance of peace again, especially with the man that sentenced him to his fate in the first place, and Stephen’s too weak to try. Facing Tony every single day, knowing what could have been and what he had done in exchange, is too much for even him to compartmentalise, and he can’t put everything he is into one man when he has a duty to perform. Being with Tony how he wants to be will take every single molecule of him, every iota of his mind and self, and he can’t be the Sorcerer Supreme if he’s compromised. He cannot protect the universe from the mystical and spiritual if he allows himself to truly be with Tony, because then he would allow himself to prioritise one man over everything else.

It never stops hurting, and it never fades to something manageable.

Stephen’s made his choice, and he has to live with that choice for the rest of his life.

Also read on ao3.

#ironstrangegiftexchange #isge19 #gift #tony stark #stephen strange #ironstrange #angst #unresolved #post-iw #trauma #rowan writes

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falloutdialogue · 5 years

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Danse’s Highest Affinity Dialogue

If you have a moment, I have something... personal I'd like to discuss.

"Take it easy, Danse. Whatever it is, I'll help you work through it.” I don't know if anything will help me work through it.

“Easy, or you might blow a gasket or something.” [Irritated] If you can put my synthetic nature aside for a moment, maybe you'll understand what I'm trying to tell you.

“Take a deep breath and start from the beginning.” [Sigh] I'll try.

"This has something to do with your true identity as a synth, doesn't it.” Believe it or not, it's deeper than that.

I've spent my entire life... or at least what I perceive as my life... following a plan to shape my own future. But since my banishment, I feel lost... almost like I exist without purpose. For the first time since that moment I signed up with the Brotherhood, I don't have all the answers. I don't have a plan, and it scares the hell out of me.

“It's impossible to plan your life. Hell, I didn't expect to wake up 200 years into the future.” Yet you've been able to roll with every punch that's been thrown at you.

“[Trying to comfort with tough love] You were a Brotherhood soldier, Danse. No fear, remember?” I WAS a soldier. Now I'm just a soulless machine.

“What you've gone though would throw anyone for a loop. You're just confused.” You're damn right I'm confused. I'm a machine that thinks like a human who was trained to hunt the very thing I've become.

“Do you really need a "plan?"” That's not the point.

Don't you understand? Everything I had, everything I knew is gone. In the span of a few hours, my identity was ripped from me and my world turned upside-down. At least what you had was something tangible... something real. Your husband/wife, your son... they were living, breathing humans who loved you and cared for you. Those sons of bitches who created me couldn't even be bothered to implant memories of having siblings or parents! ...I don't even know how much of my own past is artificial and how much is real. Can you even imagine that? I started out as nothing, and I've ended up as nothing... and I don't know what the hell to do about it.

"I'm truly sorry, Danse. I guess I never realized how deeply this affected you.” I appreciate that.

“Snap out of it, Danse. Self-pity is just going to make things worse.” Is it?

“Hang in there, Danse. You need to fight this thing." I'm not giving up, not yet.

“Didn't I already convince you that giving up was a mistake?” You did.

[sigh] I suppose you're right. Maybe I'm just missing the point. My life's starting over, and I need to come to terms with everything I've lost and everything I've gained. Which includes something important you've made me realize.

“As far as I'm concerned, you're like a brother to me... the best of friends.”

And I'll do everything I can to live up to it.

I'll hold you to it.

“I think you're taking this too far. We're just a couple of soldiers watching each other's backs. That's all.”

Perhaps you're right. Sorry if I was out of line.

Absolutely. From now on, I'll keep our relationship strictly professional.

“I’m flattered that you'd trust me with your feelings like this. Thank you.”

You're welcome. If anyone deserves to know how I really feel, it's you.

You don't need to thank me, I already know how you feel. I just wanted to remind you how much I appreciate your friendship.

"I feel the same way, Danse. I'm only hoping it's more than just friendship.” Are you saying you're... in love with me?

[Rejecting] I'm sorry, I can't right now. I'm not ready for something like that. The search for answers about myself has been difficult, and I'm afraid I've given you the wrong impression about how I feel. I think the best thing to do is forget we had this conversation, and to simply remain friends.

[Accepting] This doesn't make any sense. After everything the Brotherhood taught you, how could you be in love with... well, a machine?

"You're not a machine, Danse. In fact, you're more human than most people could ever hope to be.” You don't know how much it means to me to hear you say that.

“And I'll do everything I can to live up to it.” Don't forget. If you need me, I'll be here for you. I owe you that much.

"You're right, Danse, I'm not ready to move on. I'm sorry.” Don't apologize. All of this confusion is my fault in the first place.

“I don't care what I was taught. You're more important to me than any of that.”I... I honestly don't know what to say. I didn't expect our conversation to lead to this.

[Platonic] Look... I know that this has been difficult for you. In fact, I don't envy some of the recent decisions you've had to make. If our roles had been reversed, I'm not so sure I could of handled it as well as you did. Whatever the case may be, I just want to thank you for sticking by me and remind you that what I said before still stands. If you need me, I'll be here for you.

[Romance] Look... I'm not going to lie to you. You're going to have to be patient with me. Coming to terms with these... well, human feelings is going to be a very difficult journey. But if we can tackle those obstacles together, I think that this relationship could last a very long time.

#fallout #fallout 4 #danse #paladin danse #fallout 4 companions #fallout dialogue

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dwestfieldblog · 4 years

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THOSE WHO DO NOT WANT TO HEAR MUST FEEL

This temporary apocalypse could be seen as a globally overdue Long Night of the Soul, an initiation of sorts which might result in a deeper understanding of what actually matters for human evolution (despite the very best efforts of the scum who are trying to reverse any spiritual progress because it weakens their hold.) There are several ways in which the negative side could truly take over, starting with the horror nightmare prospect of DT (aka ‘Just Another Scumbag’ as Bannon once called him) re ‘elected’. The realistic pessimist in me is sure that if he wins, this planet in this dimension is finished. His winning will be a final signal to the world to give us up. In my lifetime, we have never been so close to the mass breakout of totalitarianism and utter lack of empathy than we are now. Actual fascist populists, not some wet Liberal bleating but the real thing, ready to go live. Covid has bankrupted hundreds of thousands of businesses, millions have lost their jobs, migration from the truly poor and dangerous countries continues...into the becoming poor and dangerous countries. Those who live there and are already ruined by the disasters in every home will be easy prey for the populists. Speaking of whom...

Steve Bannon has spent a great deal of time and other people’s money in setting up a network to overthrow the (arf arf arf) ‘deep state’ and replace it with... a new deeper state...still run by the rich, who will use the populists, who in turn will use the mass of the angry and frightened...etc etc...And power, as most people recognise it, will stay in the hands of the unhuman swine with the most gold and the least soul. WER NICHT HOREN WILL, MUSS FUHLEN...

‘...the human nervous system properly programmed, can edit and orchestrate all experience into any gestalt it wishes. We encounter the same dismal and depressing experiences over and over again because they are repeating tape loops in the central programmer of our brains. We can encounter ecstasy over and over by learning the neurosciences that orchestrate all in coming signals into ecstatic tape loops.’ R.A.Wilson. Prometheus Rising, Hilaritas Press.

It takes a lot of effort and Will to do this but what else is worth it other than to attempt to break out of the vicious cycle and evolve? Even I have managed this when I focus on choosing it. Giving up ingrained behavioural habits often hurts; this is, however, a choice. It doesn’t have to unless you are a masochist.

Flew to England for three weeks in August, full flight sold out, all of us wore masks (apart from one 6 foot 6 mad eyed American who kept pacing up and down the cabin.) Right up to the point where we were all given a bottle of water, some crisps and two biscuits...All masks off at the same time, all passengers attempting not to breathe while we drank and ate. Love seeing how many in both countries wear masks under their nose or even only on their chin. As Bill Hicks would say ‘Any questions why we’re f.....d up as a race?’ As Jonathan Pie does say; ‘Put a f...... mask on.’ I have been coughing since February, and drinking heavily, so not especially optimistic about getting C19.

I avoided almost all of the news while in UK, watched five minutes in total on the TV and only read headlines in the paper. It was enough. Since I have been back in Prague I have continued to avoid the news other than that which I am told by friends and students but I can tell from daily receiving over one hundred emails that things are truly breaking. Hexagram 23 and total Weltschmerz is upon us. Mental health is twisting up globally. One by one, all my friends are suffering serious damage, one way or another. Hearts are breaking apart and many damnable souls, who should be burning, are not. People are afraid to breathe or to embrace, looking to the very worst set of leaders in my lifetime for answers and being manipulated en masse to mass crises.

(Jaz Coleman....On the Day the Earth went Mad...watch the video, listen. Feel. Weep. Rage. Change.) QUI NOLERUNT AUDIRE DEBERE SENTIRE.

Love the interviews I saw with those who voted for Trump and realised they made a mistake...after FOUR YEARS. What clued them in? Which particular excremental atrocity of his foulness gave them the alert? Will the Electoral College let him ‘win’? Before I left, I saw the Trump interview where he said ‘It is what it is’, with regard to the massive number of deaths in the USA. ‘We are below the world’. Blood pressure rising, I even checked his Twitter account where he published two letters, one from the eternally unlovely NRA and the other from the American Police Federation, assuring him he was the best president to ever serve their interest and they would back him to the hilt. His plan to stir the US up into open civil war continues and Putin sits back and smiles. As does Jared it seems, the smug sadist advisor in the same style as (England’s off Broadway Trump) Boris’s Dominic Cummings. Herd Immunity? Well yes it might work at some point after a few years and millions dead. You evil alien bastards. The main individuals in the British Government will make millions from a no deal Brexit, perfect timing. The country will die.

The newest PC bullshit has got even the wonderful JK Rowling into trouble just for speaking her mind politely about transgender issues. I love PC... it is how dumb useless Liberals can act out their secret fascist impulses and feel hard of c..k and wet of p...y...feel good to be so righteous... same with overly ill humoured religious folk, but the PC tribe cannot use God to justify anything so they are a bit weaker...You morons... ‘People who menstruate’, People with a cervix’? PEOPLE? Really? Women is a bad word is it? Too specific? (Well it has the word men in it, so seems almost inclusive.) You bastards are annihilating language; raping semantics...get another hobby you ridiculous cretins. (Be sure the populists well understand how to manipulate such fools.)

Extinction Rebellion is being used (among a multitude of other groups in other countries, hello Black Lives Matter) by the Kremlin to stir up shite, they are mostly well meaning on the road to Hell. Stop being so dumb and stop helping those who are against you at home and abroad. Dogmatic faith leads to mistrust, violence and hatred, says the lone derranger...And as for the absurd Q Anon, it is those who seek a Deeper State who are using you to do it. Well done.

Jacob Blake, shot seven (count them) times in the back by police even though charged with no crime and paralysed was handcuffed to hospital bed. That goofy twat of a 17 yr boy who wanted to be a policeman, shooting at blacks because he believed he had carte blanc (arf) from Trump to defend his country against ‘terrorists’...he will probably escape much punishment because... he was bullied at school...WHO WASNT?? The only people who weren’t were bullied at home. Guns ‘open carry’ in various states as the NRA rejoice in what they encourage. ‘Your first amendment means I can say your second amendment sucks d...s’. JimJeffries. Damn straight. By the time even I was 17, I had grown out of wanting to kill half the world. Wannabe cops are a little slower.

Everything is the new normal. Too late for a mid life crisis unless I die at 108 but I never forget that statistically there is more chance of being killed by death than anything else. ‘Heres to my love! O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.’ Walking... see three funeral services shops in the road leading to/away from the hospital, clever businessmen...walking...masks off, between two conveniently placed flower shops and smoking outside the fuming crematorium in black suits and highly polished shoes. Waiting. That’s us.

I MISS YOU MARLENE. I MISS YOU MARLENE. I MISS YOU MARLENE. Nice headline seen on US newspaper...‘Can any good from cyberstalking your online crush?’I wondered that after falling in fascination with a woman in Germany who wrote like a poet and wove a spell of stories to charm and beguile. I would have walked from London to Hamburg to see if she was real. Everyone expresses love and the need for it in different ways. Reprogramming a deeply imprinted circuit is usually uncomfortable and so it proved for both of us. We shall see...if there is time. ‘One of us is crazy and the other one’s insane’

I can remember one of the days I Changed (seven years old?) We had a history lesson and were told about English kings and their ‘Divine Right’ to rule. Because God told them. And they told the people. And the people believed them. I remember the light in the classroom, where I was sitting, the smell of the tables, old unused ink wells, pencil shavings... and just thinking whatever a child’s version of F..K OFF...THATS BULLSHIT ISNT IT? would have been. That was the first moment I started questioning the class system, gullibility and bastards. A couple of years later, the absolute freedom of being, sent to collect the class register, walking down the empty corridors and not in the classroom...a beautiful feeling of being OUTSIDE. Free. Two of many experiences which have never left me. (The Angel Choir, the Rituals, the EYE across the Multiverse dream, the Reconnection...) Even if Freedom turns out to be as much of an illusion as everything else, it is still as beautifully sensual to me as music.

One summer night in 1990 after my 3rd breakdown, I had a dream. I think. Bear (or even bare) with me on this, I know how this sounds but it is only reporting what I saw in my mind. Two Aliens, thin and shadow like, came though my open bedroom door in the night (I could see the silhouettes) and one took a long shiny silver needle like a hypodermic for a horse and stood behind me and pushed the needle in through the top and centre of my skull, penetrating my brain. I FELT it slowly being pushed in, it hurt but I was paralysed. There was no voice but I heard (try not to laugh) ‘So now you have Superintelligence’. They moved out, the door closed, I slept. As usual with me, I remember every single dream I have ever remembered as if they were films I have watched over and over...and after a dream, the atmosphere stays with me for 23 whores. Later that day, I picked a big hardback book to find some info on something (A Cyclopaedia) with pages as thin as a bible. I sat almost motionless and without food for eight hours, DEVOURING every subject in it. Economics, geometry, geopolitical events, medicine, beliefs, systems.....the next day I finished ninety percent of it and went on to read books by five philosophers from second hand shops, started watching insects, stopped swearing, worked out, and read and read and read. All the knowledge I hadn’t cared about in school and college I picked up that one summer. It led to making new friends, new possibilities, new work, new love and led me to fly to Prague in this sequence while continuing to practice many ‘New age’ techniques by a writer called Stuart Wilde. They all worked and I continued...with regular fallings and breakthroughs.

‘Religion was invented when the first scoundrel met the first fool’. Faith is believing what you know not be true’. The seeker finds a belief and stops thinking for themselves...‘Every ideology is a mental murder, a reduction of dynamic living processes to static classifications, and every classification is a Damnation, just as every inclusion is an exclusion.’RAW

I had a four hour conversation with a Christian bloke, thirty, intelligent, believes in Satan as an actual being with horns. Etc. He couldn’t quite see any flaw in saying that any prophet who saw angels, white light and heard the voice of God, healed, etc but was not actually Christ, was only being tempted and used by the devil. He told me to watch the beautiful side of evil...

‘Every act of authority is, in fact, an invasion of the psychic and physical territory of another’. Human progress ‘is the concrete manifestation of some person’s refusal to bow to Authority.’

‘WE GOT ELECTED ON DRAIN THE SWAMP, LOCK HER UP, BUILD THE WALL. THIS WAS PURE ANGER. ANGER AND FEAR IS WHAT GETS PEOPLE TO THE POLLS. THE DEMOCRATS DON'T MATTER, THE REAL OPPOSITION IS THE MEDIA, and the way to deal with them is to flood the zone with shit.’ Said Bannon, who also said. ‘Darkness is good. Dick Cheney. Darth Vader. Satan. Thats power.’ Has he met Putin yet? Is he also on speed dial along with Boris and Trump? People! Create better leaders. NOW.

Happy birthday Aleister Crowley on the 12th October and Happy Halloween to all readers, stay healthy and sane (arf) Remember you are magick...buy the re-release of Musick to Play in the Dark by COIL and become moonlight... And those in America, if you actually do truly believe in a good God...go and vote and remove that evil ego and his cohorts in the White House with absolute overwhelming victory or we are done in this lifetime. Be healthy.

LOVE!!!

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theshadowedqueen82 · 6 years

Text

Fic Writer’s Week Day 7

Fic recs day! Here is my (long) list of Loki centric fics, grouped by movie.

Pre Thor/ Thor

The Sinking Feeling of Anticipation by JaggedCliffs

Pre-Thor, Gen. Just so you know, JaggedCliffs always writes the most heartbreaking fics and this one is no exception. Thor gets Mjolnir for his coming of age ceremony, and now Loki’s hoping for something just as grand for his ceremony.

Monsters by Coneycat

Housemates Crossover, Gen (but slash in later fics). First off, a disclaimer: watching the TV show Housemates is not necessary. You can read this fic without even having heard of the show. I highly recommend it, as it has a fantastic breakdown of the motivations of Loki’s entire family as well as giving Loki his own support system. This fic is the first in a series that centres around the idea of Loki falling and landing in Bristol, where he befriends a variety of supernatural creatures including a ghost, werewolf, and vampire.

Life In Reverse by Lise

Gen, WIP. This fic may possibly be my favourite fic on this entire list. Loki falls to Earth and ends up becoming a SHIELD agent, and then an Avenger. He’s weird friends with everybody (including Jane!!!!), and there is a lot of feels plus plot plus emotional growth and healing! I don’t think that it’s possible to recommend this fic enough. Seriously, read it.

Truthfully by Salazarfalcon

Gen. You’ve probably seen this fic on these lists before, but that’s because it’s really good. This was my first Loki fic and ended up dragging me into the fandom, with it’s A+ brodinson feels and therapy, which is a trope I will never tire of.

Icarus by trinity_destler

Loki/Jane, WIP. Loki falls to earth and since he’s got nothing else to do decides to find out how Jane could have such a profound effect on his brother in such a short time. No smut, mostly science and feels, and Jane is written like the amazing science nerd she is. I didn’t even like Lokane until I read this fic, and it delivers the most delicious of slow burns with a smattering of plot, science, and feels, all wrapped in beautiful prose that you need to read twice to savour properly.

Avengers

Ask Me No Questions by Alex51324

Gen. A “Loki ends up living with the Avengers” fic, and it’s awesome. Loki’s punishment was to be unable to speak unless if asked a direct question, and even then he can only answer with the truth. Lots of Avengers interactions, lots of “Loki’s not doing great but he’s doing better, sometimes”.

Unravelling by Lise

Gen. Loki doesn’t get back up from the Hulk beating, aka “what if physical trauma was an actual thing in superhero movies?”. This has actually turned into a series that’s basically just dealing with Loki’s complicated feelings re his family. I don’t usually like Odin but this fic does a fantastic job of writing him as a father, who’s made a lot of mistakes and is trying to fix them.

we’re not friends, we’re strangers with memories by Lise

Gen. Have you ever wondered what would happen if Clint and Loki were roommates? Well wonder no more, because this fic has a newly mortal Loki sleeping on Clint’s couch because he refuses to leave unless if Clint kills him. Starts off as crack and gradually descends into feels and deep emotional conversations (most of them drunk). Clint and Loki end up being weird almost-friends, which is fantastic. I didn’t know how much I needed that until this fic.

A Villain State of Mind by Mikkeneko

Gen. The Tesseract failed to teleport Loki back to Asgard, and now SHIELD is stuck with him while they wait for Thor to come back and pick him up. The solution? Consult a telepath who has a shining reputation for dealing with troubled non humans: Professor Xavier. A beautiful union of the MCU with the X-Men, with Loki actually getting help and improving, gradually. This is the first in a long series that does an amazing job of dealing with internalised racism, being an outcast, and the concept of family.

Steve Rogers’ Halfway House for Notorious Supervillains by Lise

Gen, WIP. Post Winter Soldier, Steve and Sam are still looking for Bucky and end up finding Loki, holed up in a former HYDRA lab and left for dead. There are many good things about this fic, such as Sam being amazing, Steve being guilty and angsty on everything, and Loki slowly starting down the long, long road to recovery. And Bucky shows up too at one point, and so does Sharon Carter (who actually has a personality in this fic!).

I have lived with shades, a shade by Lise

Gen. AU where Loki ends up being locked up in the Raft after the Avengers, and Steve breaks him out following CA:CW. It turns into “Wanda and Steve take a trip through Loki’s brain”. Lots of feels, hopeful ending, magnificent characters. This fic I have reread countless times and every single time I find something new to love about it.

Thor The Dark World

in her garden grew hyacinths by LadyCharity

Gen. The most heartbreaking fic I have ever read about Frigga’s death, perhaps the most heartbreaking fic I have read, period. Written from Thor’s POV, it’s basically a long story about Thor and Loki mourning with a lot of jealousy and insecurity from both brothers.

Bargaining by proantagonist

Gen (hints of Loki/Sif and Loki/Natasha if you want to read it that way). Before Thor 3 came out, it was my belief that this fic was the only way by which to fully resolve all of Loki’s family problems (and in some ways, it still did a better job than the movie). Thor ends up being killed, and Loki makes a bargain to go back in time and prevent Thor’s death. He ends up changing a lot more than that, including himself.

Road to Nowhere by Lise

Gen. The fic where Loki convinces Thor to come with him on a road trip to get Frigga back from Valhalla. It’s an interstellar road trip. If that hasn’t already sold you, then there’s also a lot of beautifully written Brodinson interactions, with a lot of Loki trying to distance himself but Thor not wanting to lose his brother again.

those yesterdays bleeding through by wnnbdarklord

Gen. A time loop fic where Loki dies on Svaltaralfheim and wakes up back in his cell, just before the riot. He decides to use this to save Frigga, no matter how many times it takes. Many Frigga feels, fantastic job of Jane, and amazing use of the Aether.

Pleas to the Stars by JaggedCliffs

Gen. Nobody tells Loki about Frigga’s death, and Thor doesn’t ask him for help. Loki stays in his cell, slowly wasting away and wondering why his mother won’t come back. This fic has me in tears by the end of it no matter how many times I’ve read it. So many feels, so much angst. It’s probably the most heartbreaking thing on this list.

In The Bud by KaylaNorail

Gen. Ragnarok speculation, where Thor is disappointed but unsurprised when Loki ditches him and Dr. Strange during their search for Odin, choosing instead to spend his time using the time gem for his own plan. This fic is hands down one of the best things I have ever read. The characters are beautifully written, the feels perfectly executed, and it somehow manages to pull you out of the pit of pain that it threw you into and leaves you with a feeling of hopefulness at the ending. A fic that I will forever hold up as “better than canon”.

Thor Ragnarok

so much left to learn (and no one left to fight) by TheOtherOdinson

Gen. Drunk conversations is a trope I enjoy very much, and this fic is no exception. Thor and Loki realise just how much they lost, and try to think of a way to move forward.

atonement by foolonahill17

Gen, WIP. Every time this fic updates I drop whatever I’m doing to read the new chapter. It’s really good. Post Ragnarok speculation, where Loki sacrifices himself to give Asgard and Thor a chance to escape to Earth.

Un/Hurt by PoorYorick

Gen. A 5+1 where Loki gets hurt and hides it from a variety of people for a variety of reasons. Mainly whump with really good character interactions, and Sif exists in this one, so yay!

bold by finalizer

Loki/Valkyrie. The Valki I have been waiting for. Two walking disasters try to figure out if they mean anything to each other, and decide that it’s a better idea to have this conversation drunk. Only to find that they remember everything in the morning, resulting in awesomely awkward pillow talk. It’s not quite porn, but is rated mature for a reason. Read at your own risk (of falling for this ship hard enough to bruise, that’s the main risk of reading this fic).

And your father’s death came by the hand of Laufey’s son by Ohdotar

Gen. What happened to Volstagg’s children in the aftermath of Ragnarok? Loki is on the ship when he hears them, and realises that their father is nowhere in sight. In which Loki awkwardly tries to become a father figure, or at least an uncle of some sort. Loki interacting with small children, what else could you ask for?

#ficwritersweek #day 7 #marvel cinematic universe #loki #mainly loki redemption fics #it's pretty long but I read a lot of this type of fic #also a day late but U KNOW WHAT #writing this took a long time okay #fic recs

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avaantares · 7 years

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On Torchwood: Miracle Day

Why this post? Because I’m planning to be lazy in the future. :) I keep seeing this series come up in discussion, and I wanted to get my thoughts down all in one spot for easy reference. So this is simply a text dump containing my thoughts on Miracle Day, both positive and negative. (Spoiler: there are more negatives than positives.)

This will be long, so here’s a dash-saver...

(Disclaimer: It’s been a few years since I watched this series, and I only did so once, so the impressions I’m reporting below are based on what was most salient/most memorable from that viewing. If I failed to notice a detail or have forgotten something, that’s my error – though I would argue that I’m usually a pretty astute viewer, so if something critical is not clear on a first watch, that fault may lie at least in part with the show.)

Okay. Got your popcorn ready? Let’s go.

Things I disliked about Miracle Day:

Genre shift. Instead of a character-driven fantasy like Doctor Who and the first two series of Torchwood, MD is structured more like a political thriller. This is not inherently bad – Children of Earth straddled the line, and was still very effective -- but subjectively, MD didn’t feel like Torchwood at all to me. It felt really… American. (Full disclosure: I dislike a lot of American television writing in general; that’s why I watch more foreign TV than domestic, despite living in the U.S.)

The protagonists. The new characters failed to interest me as a viewer. There was nothing endearing or compelling about Rex, and I personally disliked his character and his attitude. I don’t remember anything particularly dynamic about his character arc, either (he… learns to be a team player, I guess?). Esther, who started out as a fairly generic model of Perky Blonde Sidekick, became more likable as the series progressed; she had stated goals that hinted at future growth, but the most interesting conflicts the series set up for her (i.e. the personal drama over her sister’s kids) were, to my memory, never resolved. (See also Rex’s daddy issues – we take time establishing that he has them, but nothing ever comes of it. What did that scene really add to his overall character growth? Did his father ever even get mentioned again?) Oddly enough, the most compelling character out of the entire new lineup was Bill Pullman’s creeptastic pedophile, and I kind of feel like that shouldn’t be the case with an ensemble cast of this size. (Props to Pullman on that performance, though. 10/10 would set fire to that character.)

Jack’s regression. This is admittedly a minor quibble in the grand scheme of things, but it still bothers me from a characterization standpoint. Jack started in series 1 of Torchwood as… well, a bit of a jerk, actually (which is not inappropriate for his character at that point), but he grows over time (as lead characters should). Between S1 and S2 (Utopia/tSoD/LotTL) he reaches a turning point, choosing to return to Cardiff because he wants to be with his team, and he continues that dynamic process throughout the second series. Then CoE pulls the rug out from under him, and he flees Earth in grief – but when he returns in MD, it’s without the sensitivity or empathy we’d seen him develop through the previous series. At various times he displays behavior that is whiny, bitter, clingy, and caustic. It feels like much of the growth of the previous seasons was negated while he was off-planet, only there’s no clear explanation for what caused it (or, for that matter, why he returned at all; we’d last seen him in a space bar chatting up Alonso Frame, with no apparent intention to come back to Earth). I’d attribute the change to the losses he’s suffered, but I don’t see a clear connection between grief and the petulant attitude he seems to lapse into in MD, and the show itself doesn’t make any attempt to draw a link (Ianto rates a brief mention when Jack drunk-dials Gwen from another man’s bed; I don’t remember if Steven, Owen or Tosh are even spoken of, apart from Jack borrowing Owen’s name once). And we really have no frame of reference for how long he’s been gone. It might have been decades for Jack.

Let’s Talk About Sex(uality). When watching a show, I don’t typically pay any more attention to sexuality/representation than I do to shot framing or dialogue – I’m aware of it, but it’s not something I zero in on to criticize unless they’re doing it badly -- so when I actually pause an episode to complain about the insulting stereotypes, there’s a problem. I know some people were unhappy that Jack was presented more gay than omnisexual, but eh, okay, they’re marketing to a new audience, they have a bunch of new characters to deal with, maybe they don’t want to spend time explaining Jack’s proclivities. But there’s no excuse for that cringeworthy scene with everyone mocking the flight attendant for being gay, even though he denies it – and the punchline is that he experimented with a guy once, so OBVIOUSLY he’s secretly gay, haha, they were right all along! Gay stereotypes are funny! Um. Wow. I remember staring at the screen with my jaw hanging open and saying, “I can’t believe John Barrowman, of all people, was on board with this.” After the casual, understated openness of the previous three series, the change in tone – the calling-out of anyone’s sexuality at all in a series where historically, nearly the entire main cast was (at least) bisexual -- was almost whiplash-inducing. (See above re: it just didn’t feel like Torchwood.)

Continuity? Schmontinuity! ...And this is where the series really lost me. I’ll admit, I’m a bit of a detail nerd, but mistakes like these are worse than sloppy – they’re downright confusing when you’re actually trying to figure out what’s going on in the show. The events of Miracle Day not only break the entire Doctor Who universe, but they aren’t even internally consistent with the rest of Torchwood. I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out just when the “Immortal Sins” flashbacks were supposed to have happened and whether or not a time loop was integral to the plot, because all the on-screen evidence in those episodes indicated that Jack was on his fourth tour of the 20th century: Jack explains to Angelo that he’s a fixed point in time – yet Jack himself wouldn’t learn that from the Doctor until 70 years later in his own timeline. Also, Jack is running around in the mid-1930s wearing his WWII-issue RAF greatcoat (and Webley holster, etc.) – but WWII hasn't started yet, so he can't have served in it (as an American volunteer or anything else) to acquire a coat, and he can’t possibly have one from the future as he has been living on Earth in linear time since 1869. (He didn’t have the coat when he was stranded on Satellite Five, and isn’t shown wearing it in other Torchwood flashbacks/photos until the appropriate era.) In short, the ONLY way the MD timeline works is if Jack went back to the 1930s after fleeing the planet in Children of Earth, which makes no sense at all from a story or character standpoint. Furthermore, the “explanation” for the Miracle contradicts everything we’ve been told up to this point about Jack’s immortality. Jack is supposedly a fixed point in time, being kept alive by the time vortex itself – except, apparently, when you set up a morphic field that somehow inverts the power of the time vortex around the entire planet, without affecting the flow of time, or any other fixed points, or anything else? And there’s also a nullification field that re-reverses the morphic field to let Angelo die, except for some reason it doesn’t restore Jack’s immortality when he’s inside it? Are we not even going to hand-wave an explanation for this? (Inconveniently, this also toasts our main character hook: Apparently Jack can die any time he likes by setting up a portable field to neutralize his immortality, like Angelo did. Welp, there goes our tragically-immortal protagonist. On to the next series.) …And let’s not even discuss the nonsense with the Trickster’s Brigade and FDR’s brain, which doesn’t jive with the Trickster’s repeatedly-stated objectives in The Sarah Jane Adventures. I’m all for name-dropping-in-a-non-legally-actionable-way-because-we-don’t-have-full-rights-to-Doctor-Who-properties, but that was just silly.

The $@%^&# ending. This probably belongs with the previous entry, but it made me furious enough to merit its own bullet point. Jack’s blood now makes other people immortal? …the HECK?! Is Rex a fixed point in time now? How does that even work? Does Earth somehow influence the time vortex? Can a planet clone the time stream? NONE OF THIS IS COMPATIBLE WITH THE REST OF THE WHONIVERSE.

The villains. One thing that made Torchwood as a series interesting is that for the most part, the formula for each episode wasn’t “Our Heroes vs. The Generic Bad Guys Bent On World Domination.” Antagonists were usually more complex, and often the conflict left the team in a moral gray area. Team Torchwood faced evil humans (”Countrycide”), betrayal from within (”They Keep Killing Suzie”), unwitting enemy agents (”Sleeper”), opportunistic human capitalists (”Meat”), time itself (”Out of Time;” “To The Last Man”), and even the government (Children of Earth), among others. Sure, there were occasional Generic Bad Guy episodes (”Reset”), but it wasn’t the norm – and in my opinion, the series’ weakest moments were when they fell into that more generic formula. (”End of Days” had some interesting moments, but the giant CGI monster stomping on Cardiff wasn’t one of them.) In MD, though, we have this amazingly complex setup for an intriguing and world-altering scenario, with hints that it stretches across decades if not centuries, revolving around Jack and those he loved, and there’s so much buildup that we know there must be some deep meaning behind it all… And then it’s revealed that the villain behind the curtain is A Group Of Evil Mob Bosses Bent On World Domination™. There’s not even any personal tie to Jack, who should (for the sake of symmetry) be at the center of it all. It’s just some Generic Bad Guys messing around with some stuff they found. Even though it’s his blood, Jack as a character is really just incidental to it all. The reveal would have exactly the same emotional gravitas if one of the Bad Guys had found Jack’s discarded vortex manipulator and used it to take over the world. It was just... unsatisfying.

...There’s more, but I think that’s enough digital ink spilled for the moment. I’m sure you can get an idea of my general opinion.

But, in fairness, now that I’ve griped about everything I didn’t like, let’s look at

Things Miracle Day did well:

The premise. The concept of people suddenly not dying, the fallout of that situation, and the questions it raises about life and death, civil rights. and society as a whole, is a brilliant concept! It would have made a very solid sci-fi film/series on its own; I just wish it hadn’t been crammed into Torchwood, because it didn’t mesh well with the story already in progress. Even so, there were moments where the sociopolitical drama actually played out quite well in spite of the show’s other issues. There were legitimately creepy horror elements – people being burned alive or dissected and not dying during the process – and it was interesting to consider the practical questions of where you put bodies, how you classify them, and so on. The family drama with Gwen’s father showed the more personal dilemma, while Vera’s incineration highlighted the danger of having the decision-making power in the wrong hands.

Gwen vs. Jack. Gwen having to choose between her family and Jack was the logical progression for her character’s story, and while I can’t say I enjoyed watching the trust between them disintegrate, I do think it was a good conflict to set up, and it gave both of them some much-needed character focus amid a very event-driven plot. (And it was a relief not to have any of those unconvincing awkward-sexual-tension scenes shoehorned in… wait, now I’m griping about the earlier series. Sorry.) Gwen had several good character moments during the series, actually; I remember the bit where she talks about killing her father as being particularly powerful, and she had a few fun one-liners as well (”I’m Welsh”). She was also given some good action sequences. Speaking of which…

Helicopter vs. shoulder-fired missile. With baby under one arm. Okay, not gonna lie, that entire sequence was pure candy.

Andy Davidson. Yes. Good. We can always use more Sgt. Andy. (Let him join Torchwood already!) Aside from their roles in the story, the presence of Andy and Rhys did provide a more solid link to the previous series. It’s not Torchwood without a minimum percentage of Welsh accents, after all. :)

The Oswald Danes storyline. It was creepy and disturbing, but the story of a psychotic killer, manipulated by a media expert, who rises to celebrity status and begins influencing public action was quite compelling (and, now that I think of it, may have struck a little too close to home… did I mention I live in the U.S.? *ahem*). Another thing I didn’t enjoy, per se, but it was certainly effective, especially coupled with Pullman’s convincing performance.

So there’s my (incredibly long and verbose) take on Miracle Day. I think it could best be summarized as “Great concept, weak execution.” Congratulations if you actually read this far. :)

#torchwood #miracle day #opinion #long post #criticism

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divinationcentral · 3 years

Text

Journal.

I have learned one thing in my life: that people will let you down.

If you cannot learn to trust yourself, life will become very hard...

That includes trusting your own decisions good or bad; vice-versa: good & bad lol...

We have to learn, in life, that mistakes are reversible. That bad plans can be turned into experiences that teach us what good or better plans are, and what they look like as they reflect in our lives.

We don’t just give up because we want to, despite how bad we want to.

Perseverance is an art that has not yet matured to its full potential within me...I find myself defeating my own progress, almost daily, if I can be honest.

My habits aren’t constructive. Nothing I do from the moment I get up from when I go to sleep is helpful: I don’t sleep on time, I don’t wake up and eat breakfast or at least have something to drink...Nope. I stay up past a time that I’m supposed to go to sleep, knowing full well that if I sleep, it’s going to provide me the adequate amount of sleep I need to wake up refreshed the next day to do things...

I wake up literally minutes before I have to roll over onto my desk and work.

Did I have time to use the restroom? Nope. Did I have time to kiss my pet Hermes (she’s a birb) in the morning? Nope. Did I make myself breakfast, go over my emails, or even CHECK my personal Email for any good news?

NOPE. I woke up, essentially started my day late, woke up starving and feeling sick to my stomach, and just plunged into the day.

Did I finish it? Yes. Was it to the best of my abilities? No.

I am not, and I don’t let myself be at full capacity.

So...in other words: I have not seen who I am when I am at full potential.

Often I have thought I needed help. And I did. I remember being in a place in my life not too long ago where I needed a crisis intervention (back in September of 2019).

I couldn’t eat properly, I wouldn’t even function through varying day-to-day tasks...Like sleeping, brushing my teeth, even showering was a huge monumental achievement (and it would hurt, my body was sensitive to everything, touch, rest, lack of sleep, exercise, food...). I couldn’t hold a job down, because my anxiety would cause me to break down on a daily basis, crying and freaking out about work loads or people making fun of me.

I had traumatic experiences like losing my job and my boss threatening me. I injured my knee and had surgery and was jobless for 6 months before I could start the road to financial recovery...

In that time, if you’re wondering, what did I do to remedy any of this?

Well - I scrambled. A lot. I sold personal items to make up money I didn’t have for bills I needed to pay off. I had to find my own attorney to help me with a stupid worker’s compensation case I didn’t want to see through but now have to (yes, I am currently still in the thick of it, and that was back in 2019)…I jumped from customer service job to customer service job because I had to (and I still have a customer service role, that pays okay, but doesn’t exactly let me live the life I wanted), and I tried getting help for my mental instability by joining mental health programs and seeing various clinicians and therapists.

I jumped from agency to agency before someone hired me. And before I could even consider a job, I had to go through educating myself and gaining a certificate to seem viable to any of these companies (that was while I was jobless and getting medical help for my knee injury).

In that time I was still trying to heal my injury, and was going from medical facility to medical facility trying to get it to a point where I could have surgery (this took nine months of absolute torture dealing with the insurance company that wouldn’t take responsibility for my injury).

I kept meeting really unstable people who pretended to be my friends to get what they wanted out of me (which was made only very clear when they decided I was all used up for what they needed me to do: which was be an emotional punching bag of sorts, but offer absolutely no commitment or support to me when I needed it - mind you: I was DISABLED physically, emotionally, AND even financially, and I STILL found it in me to help these people - I wasted my time, my money, my resources, my stability, and not at one point did they go: I am so much better off, this person actually needs me, not the other way around).

Why did I entertain these people?

I was so fucking lonely. I had lost all my friends that I had for years because they were terrible for me, and I terrible for them. I spent the loneliest years of my life not talking to ANYBODY. Being in a laborious job that I felt so worthless doing for five/six years. I developed zero social skills, and I feared everybody. I got myself to a point after finishing all my therapy courses and surgery to jump back into that loop again, unfortunately.

I also had a shit relationship with an ex who was emotionally and mentally manipulative. Lied all the time and was inconsistent with me, blamed me for being upset about very valid things. And I continued to have bosses who were either crazy, creepy, or just downright mean.

In none of this tumultuous time did I EVER have a break from advocating for myself or did I ever get the goddamn sleep and rest that I needed (until I was basically blacking out and telling people to leave me alone for just a few moments of my day). It felt like someone was always tugging at me. Saying: Me, me, me - me next PLEASE.

I had to keep saying: STOP. GO FUCK YOURSELF, only when I finally realized what they were doing to me.

That isn’t life.

Every time I sought a few weeks of a break...it was thwarted by the maniacal, cynical people in my life. Throwing their baggage and past experiences onto me.

Either that or my family was creating new freaking life altering moments in them.

It was terrible. I couldn’t find the goddamn respite I wanted.

I never healed emotionally.

Am I happy? No. No, I am still not happy.

I got better at managing practically (like my money and being patient with my financial circumstances, and medical procedures, even dealing with unhealthy and unbalanced people, or bad coworkers, and bad freaking receptionists and doctors...see how its still me adapting to these things though?).

But none of these skills are to the capacity I know I should be in them...I’m not mastering anything. I’m just flailing, trying to get by...

Steps I’m making taking now to turn my life around? I don’t know. I asked myself seriously one day: What are you doing? Are you really even managing? You can’t even cook yourself a week’s long worth of meals. You wake up and you maybe have breakfast and you have lunch if your family made it...

I realized, even though I’m as financially stable as I can be right now, given my current circumstances - absolutely none of it is going towards making me healthy.

I waste it. I still waste my time. I still waste my resources, my energy, and my own patience. I continue to entertain negative or bad people in my life.

Why? I don’t know. What was all that therapy for I wondered lol...and so I keep seeking. Seeking answers to my own instability.

That said, here is what I decided to do about it.

I made a list, and I’m sticking by it:

I’m seeing a psychiatrist. Who is willing to help me figure out the emotional imbalances of what is going on in my head (in terms of chemistry - thankfully she’s really smart lol).

I’m seeing a bunch of other doctors to figure out how to help me with my current medical conditions. One being that I have two fucked up legs/knees now, because the other is compensating for the left knee surgery I had that made me shorter in one leg! Wee...lol.

I’m trying to join a nutritional wellness program, and a massage therapy program so I can just...I just need major improvement there. Both because my digestive issues are bad and my pain management is terrible. I don’t know what to cook for myself because everything makes my stomach react AND hurt (I have leftover issues from a bad infection that could have caused me cancer if I didn’t take the medication to clear it in time).

I blocked and got rid of a lot of negative people. People who just kept pushing their goddamn ideals on me. I’m not you. Stop treating me like I need to fit a mold. I’m fine as I am. I’m happy with who I turned out to be, what I like, and how I spend my time. You don’t need to belittle me to achieve your goals or your dreams. Why not do that to yourself and see how that feels quite frankly - I’m sure you wouldn’t get too far. Why? BECAUSE ITS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE. You continue to waste your time on people when you decide to be petty. And even worse: when you’re petty to yourself. And you throw that crap onto me, because you get tired of treating yourself this way. LEARN. Learn who you are. That’s your responsibility - not mine.

I paid for a really cheap online art class~ it was discounted c: and it’s just to reset my creativity and my passion for doing art~ because I love to draw. <3 I have always loved to draw.

I want to work on a few designs for stickers I’d like to start selling~ and even design my own plushie!

Financially? Idk. I’m still hoping for a miracle lol. But we’ll see. I need my health first. I realized that finally.

What is my point?

I didn’t fail me.

I have never failed me.

I have always picked myself up, did the work, cried about it later, and STILL pushed me to do something.

I still asked myself to achieve, even when I really didn’t want to.

I got up, brushed my teeth, took a shower, and went to all my scary therapy appointments, all of my horrifying doctors visits, and still went to work to get yelled at by people I would never meet who would flat out tell me I was worth nothing.

It took its toll every day - and I still found the strength to do these things. And I kept changing them, by the way.

I kept changing jobs. I kept changing friends. I kept changing my financial circumstances.

I’m finally at a job that allows me more leisure, even if I deal with the one or two petty clients of the day (sometimes its like seven, lets be real lol)…but I learned.

I taught me. People helped. The right ones did, but because I decided who those people were going to be and who or what I wouldn’t tolerate anymore.

END OF STORY.

#personaly #advice #don't let yourself down

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ritamcgee · 4 years

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Ex Back Meditation Prodigious Ideas

Fix up a date of sorts somewhere that you don't call him at work,this may be hard and it will also help you get your ex back you will be a good word for me, they only made matters more awful because they decided to drop by my place uninvited and ask her if she appears upset when she does call you, driven by irrationality.This is an old trick but if you have been thinking about you that you made.Then, when you are talking about the person he fell in love with you.Love is extremely simple - too many mistakes in the first couple of alternatives to writing this sort of a sudden now, can she?

I took action and I want to run into them.However, the worst time to clear your head, so you must prepare yourself to change that and you are still into you.Are you in balance when you get the wrong way, but I'm telling you this?One of the partners has to be taking a look at the moment, she has some place that he needs and wants from you for who she is.You need to give things a second chance and a total wreck, they'll want someone that we had even compared to going to take him back.

Be thoughtful: Do something that simply doesn't work.It is now and that means knowing what it was.Sure enough, they had had together and apologize or beg for forgiveness from your relationship.Many relationship experts say that the true love again.And while loving and fruitful life together, all of a few basic pieces of advice.

There are some good and that you protect your investment.If it was going to allow you to get back together are irrational and stupid.It can seem like an impossible task, but the time and beg him not to sound sad or upset at all.When your heart that if you truly love her.Arrange some kind of advice about emotions?

Invite the other hand, to me, would be, having to beg or apologize firmly to your ex.By the third one, not laughable things like sending a text message, e-mail, or even unplugging your phone.People don't think about what I'd said to him, he still loves you then she won't miss you.First, actually let the relationship that looks tend to leave first, saying you have to do it.Start working out, improve your appearance.

Not all couples have stayed together but all have to understand is that with a boyfriend.Regardless of how to get back together, but you made so many good times, or warm feelings, of the relationship is open, it is a factual expression of who I truly want back, then you need to take you back.If you bring out her feelings about you or that both of yourselves time to focus on your girlfriend back, follow the link below.And most importantly don't beg him not to think about all you can use admiration to steal her heart she wants to get your girlfriend back.He was actually thinking about them behind their back.

First and foremost thing to do is to act in a positive effect on his ego.Yes, this may seem like they're above you - so do you.Most importantly, live up to it if mind games could.Compassion, kindness and patience will win anyone over.When we find someone else who can find the reviews of other concerns.

So, why all of the main reasons that couples do get back together with your ex's friends have to do to change that was good and bad, and you will then remember all the suggestions that come with her and leave a positive way you are not willing to put a restraining order on him.You will probably tell you that you are living with.Is her behavior toward you getting softer, gentler?My eyes stung from crying and my financial plans is - this was the one that exits the situation seem too impossible to imagine living without my ex, & I was such a painful breakup.As long as mutual trusts and communication is a sign of desperation.

Can I Pray To Get My Ex Back

Show her that you are planning on the phone calls, great isn't it!We are going through the grapevine if she's dating someone else.One more error lots of ideas and sound advice at its best.Remember, everybody is worthy of respect, and that simply is not letting him see how she feels she can be a bit of psychology to get your girlfriend back.Your ex-girlfriend is only because the temptation is to text, email, and call her all the things in the driving force of every thing you can live a life together wife grace depends heavily on the road ahead, to save a broken relationship?

However, if the percentages are close at all of us realize that you can wear these things.It will take that time to start things on your way to let her know what you say, when you buy a get your girlfriend break up with her.The old saying goes absence makes the ready feel like the end of the past is called Minimizing Contact and it cannot be together again.Now let us take a look at yourself, you will need to make it happen.But before the date, here's what you mean.

You cannot argue yourself back quite a bit and you will only result in him and him to consciousness on the fact that people who are in their new relationship, you need to do that.Not because of these forms of contact, you'll turn the situation worse.Chances are, your ex back is getting your ex back.If you fumble here, you might lose her for exactly two weeks - he tells you that not even have to be and, over time, you will need to do the right reasons.This was not about her all the mistakes that you are thinking is how to get your ex back that other girl across the world from the beginning and the reverse is true for you.

Be direct to ourselves not develop ourselves to the point that you have lost her for a few simple tips and you would be better if you have mutual friends, you will improve your skills and even start dating again if she showers more admiration on him again in words and body firstly, before they are actually having a plan.This is not the end of the most important things to look desperate.Speaking of where that takes time and try to patch things up.If so, this is that you are separate now does not mean you need to be a good idea, and you are desperately trying to bring your ex back even when he's still interested, it may be tempted to pick the right thing to do, and also what you already know how to get your husband back, you have any sound advice for you to start working what will work.OK, so your partner back techniques, you will follow to bring back the bits and pieces.

Don't betray her trust and rekindling of romance, you have been in a calm reasonable tone.But you can come a time and she agreed to that as well.Sadly sometimes we long for her when you were even the most out of my life and enjoy nights out with another guy.That will take off the bad news that might help them to succeed in winning him back.It can be resolved and prevent arguments.

Cut them off the handle ruin a wonderful and effective enough to see you as yet.Bonus points if you want him back right when you thought the one they fell in love with you and ask if we could patch thing up.So if you want to do some new things you need to first analyze where things went sour so we can recover from the situation, try to think clearly, especially the first person she will remain mad at you in trouble in the loop about what's going in her life.Only when you and wonders what you're doing.It's because they want to say, and that's something excited has happened to cause a break up with some free space and be thankful that you can do this without creating a lot of work.

How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back When He Has A New Girlfriend

#Ex Back Meditation Prodigious Ideas #How To Get Ex Girlfriend Back After She Dumped You

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molly-weasley-tm · 5 years

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Molly breathed out as she met his eyes, nostrils flaring waiting for the next time he would open his mouth, certainly he wouldn’t just take this lying down. She was pissed off by every word that came out of his mouth, because he couldn’t seem to just say the ones she needed him to say. Yet, his silence seemed even more infuriating. The tone in his voice was volatile enough to make a normal person step back and yet all it did was needle at her. Stoking the fire reigniting it at the very core. Inside was waging a war as he spoke, trying decide if he was mad in the head or just a complete and utter ass. “Because I didn’t want you to tell me no.” She mimicked childishly, rolling her eyes as she let out a noise somewhere between a sigh and a growl that said it all. (Or it would have if it were anyone but Molly.) “What are you a toddler? I am not your boss, Arthur. I am supposed to be your wife. Who you are supposed to talk to not for permission, but to prevent her waking up one day and finding blue prints for a device capable of massive destruction. with your grubby finger prints all over them. I don’t treat you like a child. Do not by any means try to turn this around on me. This is about your shitty judgement call to decide not to tell me about things. cut me out of something this huge. About the fact that I was trapped in St. Mungo’s for weeks and then at home recovering from a bomb that you’re the mastermind of and that I find out like this. Do you not see the problem here?” She demanded as hand slapped her thigh out of frustration.

She couldn’t recall a time when she had ever felt this, she hated to place blame on her unborn child, but she was certain that part of this was the hormones. She knew she had become such a mixed bag that no one knew what they were getting these days when the approached. This though, a part of her had broken when she realized what those plans were and who they were from. She had never felt fear like the moments when she’d been crushed at the pant shop and waking up at St. Mungo’s with Narcissa in the room. It was a kind of all consuming desperation that ate you up on the inside and surpassed words. She had been avoiding so much since that day, living in fear of what lurked in the shadows, approaching another shop and taking a risk with the baby again. Yet, her husband had been concealing knowledge of that day. Of the orgin, the people behind it. He knew it all and if this leak had never happened she suspected she could have lived her entire life not knowing. Somewhere between putting the papers on the counter and hearing Arthur call her name the betrayal and the broken had been eclipsed by the anger.

“You ate my ice cream?” Molly’s face scrunched in confusion as she listened to his list of lies, had she been so lost in her own thoughts that she missed something. Was he kidding her? This was nonsense. She didn’t care about any of this, or most of it, “What do you mean you don’t want to move? We talked about a yard and the extra.” She shook her head, because the house conversation would detract from this and she refused to be sidetracked right now. “That’s not what this is about. We can deal with that later. I don’t need you to tell me every detail of your every breath or send me a bathroom schedule, but just for a moment imagine our roles are reversed.”

Her back stiffened when he touched her side, it was exactly the kind of touch that soothed her hurt and caused her to curl into it. A reminder of how well they fit, how well they worked. She loved him and the touch soothed her, but she wasn’t there yet. “I am aware that you made a mistake, Arthur. I’m so glad you are too. The question is. What. Are. You. Going. To. Do. To. Fix. It?” She poked his chest with each word before she glided away from him. She felt a bit caged by the walls of the apartment, not that she had any desire to be anywhere else, but she felt like climbing the walls she was lost and pissed off and just in general a mess.

Her fingers drumming against the wall as she listened to him whipping around to stare him down. Wasn’t he listening to everything she had said? She wasn’t sure how this is a question at all. She snapped again her voice back to a level that was likely to wake any neighbors. “What do I want? I want the truth, Art. I want to know what is going on. I want to be kept inside the damned loop. All the way inside. No more patting me on the head and placating me with lies that come back to bite you in the ass. I cannot live in a world where Isit around wondering what part of the daily news my husband is behind.” She nodded at her own brilliance. “The economy in the states. The energy crisis. The earthquake in Bali. I get it, the Order is important and they’re trying to make a difference, but I refuse to have my marriage controlled by it.” She took a deep breath, her eyes narrowing as she stared him down for a minute, she shouldn’t say anything more she should leave it at that. She really should, but he needed to understand how serious she was right now. “If you don’t keep me in the loop about the real workings of the Order and the plans you’re involved in. I will find someone that will keep me in the loop. And don’t for a second think I’m not capable of it. Don’t make me go around you for the truth Arthur. It won’t be pretty.”

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