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everythingxoblog · 4 years

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everything.

I was working one day, and a boy came in for an interview, already wearing his white polo which i thought was silly. He didn't have the job yet but he came in wearing his uniform. He was so handsome. His hair cut perfectly, his beard groomed so well, he smelled incredible, all the time. (Blue Nautica, i still wear it to this day.), His smile was everything. His eyes were the type you could just stare into and get lost. And the little wrinkles underneath his eyes would pop out when he smiled real big.The moment i saw him, i hoped he would be hired for our store. He was. I was excited. Although i was married, he was nice to look at, he was funny, and he seemed so perfect with his flirtacious ways. I looked forward to my shifts with him. We all got to know him and bits and pieces of his story. He was living at pathway, the sober home for boys. He told us about his drinking problem, and how proud of himself he was for being sober now. That is admirable in my eyes. The efforts to better your life and overcome an addiction is a great thing. Even more of a turn on, for some reason. There came a point where the flirting got more serious. We made a group chat called "squad" with me, him, and another employee/my best friend. It was an innocent thing at first, just pick up lines, flirting, sending pictures in our underwear, never too revealing. He would compliment me and her, and it made us feel good. I wasn't complimented by my husband, i wasnt given attention anymore. I craved it, and this boy gave me exactly what i was looking for. Eventually we started seeing him out of work. He came to a birthday party for my best friends child. He was so good with all of the kids. Mine as well. He was so good with her. I took videos of him playing with her, teaching her how to blow a flute and bubbles. The joy i captured in these videos was amazing, and i still have those videos to this day. That is one thing i can't bring myself to ever get rid of. I remember standing with him outside my car after the party, and our innocent flirting made me so happy and feel so good. This man was perfect. Over the summer we did so much together. From going to Litz almost daily, to hanging out in my friend's apartment, we would stay out all night sometimes. The flirting got really overwhelming between us three at one point. I didn't want to cheat on my husband, even though i knew i wasn't happy in my marriage and didn't want to be with him. I told this boy flat out he would be better off getting with my friend. So he did, that same night. I remember knowing that he was going over there, and i was a mixture of jealous and upset for sure. But what right did i have? I was married..and i told him to go for it with her. They did. The next day i picked her up to go to the mall, and at first she told me nothing happened. It wasn't until we got to the mall that she spilled all the details to me. She and him did hook up. But, he made her promise not to tell me, because he didn't want me to know. She was a good friend to be truthful with me. As for him, i was salty towards him. "Friends dont lie" was our saying for a while. We went to Litz that day and i couldn't help but be rude as hell to him until he admitted it to me. He did, and i let it go because again, i told him to do it. We went for ice cream together that night, and he bought my daughter her first ice cream cone and boy, was it messy. They shared a shake, i took pictures of that too. I loved watching him with my Daughter. It gave me hope that maybe i could still be happy, without her father. He and I hungout alone next. We brought my daughter to gilman. We had so much fun, and trust me, i took pictures then too. So did he. See, thats one thing i really loved about him. He would always capture beautiful moments between me and my daughter. Something nobody else has ever done, and still doesn't to be honest. When i dropped him off to his sober house, he kissed me. It was amazing. It felt RIGHT. and when we finished kissing, the guy that runs the house was right at my passenger window, watching and waiting for us to be done. How embarassing, right? Yet i drove away with such a big smile. Since then, our relationship kept growing. I loved it. He would always send me cute songs, and i would send him songs back. That was an all the time thing for us. Anytime we thought of eachother, wed make sure the other knew. Out of all the songs, we really stuck to "The way" by Mac Miller and Ariana grande. I loved it, especially because those are my two favorite artists. He had a ton of love for Mac Miller and Ariana Grande. Did i mention he bought me a ticket to see Ariana Grande for my birthday? It was an incredible experience. We started spending every day and night together. I would hangout hangout with him, then id drop my daughter off to her father and go back out for the night. We would always have a good time. I remember we were in my friends parking lot for HOURS, listening to music, playing Uno, shooting these cool things in the sky that would glow. I wanted to show off and do some gymnastics..so i stupidly, took off my shoes for some reason, and did a round off barefoot in the parking lot. I broke my foot that night, but that didn't stop us from going to price chopper while im hopping sround on one leg because it was probably midnight when i broke my foot and didn't want to go to the hospital. Price chopper was our spot. We even had our own spot we would park. It was 24 hrs, so we would just go play hide and seek in there. We would sit in the parking lot for hours, and just talk and kiss. It felt so right. He was perfect. He was everything i ever wanted. Eventually, he moved onto a new apartment for sober boys. He had his own room and more freedom then. So, i helped him move in. I organized all his things, all his clothes, i got him comfortable there. It was now our spot. We would go there, lay in bed and tell each other stories about ourselves. He told me about his alcoholism, and how he was arrested once because he gave his mother a ride and she had heroin in the vehicle. He told me how she was an addict, and how much he hated heroin and thought it was disgusting. I agreed. Heroin is a drug i can never understand. Why would anyone ever want to shove a needle in themselves and risk dying every single time? It makes no sense. And he agreed with me. He told me that his sister basically took care of him. He loved her. He would always tell me about her. To this day, i would have loved to meet her. We tried once, but i will get to that part. I left my husband september 2nd. I knew what i had with this boy was real, and i was so happy. Happiest ive been in so long. It was a hard, and lifechanging decision i made. I now had to move out of the house we bought, i had to leave all my stuff behind, including my dogs. That killed me. But i knew it was the right decision. I was unhappy for so long, and this boy showed me that there is more to life, and that i didn't have to settle. It was hard for a while, i was scared for a long time. I'll admit, i did go back and forth between my husband and him for a little while. But i knew what i WANTED, and it was him. It was always him, from the second he came into my life. There was so much about this boy that i loved. He was the best, and i truly mean that. He was always there for me. He worked three jobs, and still made time for me. He seemed to have his life together, and i could see myself building a future with him. Things started to change, but they weren't even really big changes. So i thought nothing of it. He stopped working his third job first. But who cared? He still had two jobs. He was still great. He used to spend a lot of money on scratch tickets, that was a big addiction of his. But he would ALWAYS WIN! I swear he had the best luck, he would win $500 so often it was crazy! Another addction he had, was shoes. Ive never seen a man have so many fricken shoes. He was a pretty boy, and ALWAYS looked and smelled so good. I loved that. Sometimes i feel like we were together forever, but looking back, it was such a short time before things started going wrong. He had these pains in his stomach, so i sat with him at the hospital while he was monitored. They gave him morphine to ease his pain. And he ended up getting a few prescriptions. Nothing crazy, they didn't give him any opiods or anything. But the night after, he called me. He sounded fucked up. He wouldn't like, speak to me. The things he was saying made no sense at all, and he sounded very out of it. I asked if he smoked weed, he said no. I asked if he drank, he said no. He said "the lady on the bike gave him some pills" and i was crying, begging him to tell me what he took. Eventually after screaming and crying his name, he snapped back into reality. He swears he never did any drugs that night, but i know how he was acting. I didn't think much into it, probably because i didn't want to believe he would do something like that. I held a grudge for a couple days, and id always randomly ask about that night, hoping one day he would tell me the truth. He never did admit anything about that night. But i know. He didn't really have any more of those episodes. But he started telling little lies. To me, i feel that everyone lies about something at some point. There are so many things i should have noticed, but i didn't. I'm always going to be mad at myself over it. There were signs. So many signs. And i didn't notice them, until it was too late. He started letting his hair grow out more than normal. He stopped shaving as much. He stopped buying scratch tickets. He lost his second job, and was down to one. It started at the end of september. September 28th, 2019. I went to hyper glow with my friends, and he hungout with a mutual friend, who was a heroin addict. At this point, i still was under the impression this boy was just an alcoholic, so i didn't think much into him hanging out with a junkie. I was wrong. I shouldn't have encouraged him to hangout with the guy. I did. I did that. And i'll HATE myself forever for that. I didn't know yet, but what i'm about to explain next, is the beginning of the truth being exposed. I was at work. So was he. And another coworker on shift with us pulled me aside and asked me what was on his neck, and mentioned that lately he has been acting as if he's on drugs. I didn't even notice his neck. I grabbed him and looked, and i asked what it was. He went from "Its an ingrown hair" to "It must be a zit"..He was very defensive about it. Now, i was worried. How was everyone else noticing these things, but i wasn't? I finally made the decision to reach out to his sister. What she had to say, was something i never expected, and i can still feel the pain, shock, and heartbreak i felt that afternoon. She explained he has been a heroin/crack addict since he was a teenager. He has struggled with addiction his whole life. He was never an alcoholic. How did i not know? How could he lie to me SO much, so in depth? I was shocked. I don't think ive ever cried so hard. My perfect boy was not perfect at all. It was all a lie. EVERYTHING. I confronted him. He tried denying, but he knew i knew the truth now. To be honest, i dont think he's ever told me the truth first time around. I have to keep asking the same question over and over again until he finally tells the truth. Some things even now i don't know if it was true or not. I made the decision to help him. I tried to keep him sober. I did everything. I was with him all the time, really. I kept a close eye on him. So i thought. I seemed to not realize the weight he lost. He had nice love handles when we first started hanging out, he had meat on his bones. He stopped eating actual food. He was only snacking. I didn't notice. I didn't notice he lost weight, because i was with him 24/7. Thinking back, boy was he so skinny. There were times that he wouldn't answer his phone, and i would panic. Was he okay? Did he relapse? Is he dead in his room right now? I have no way to get up there to save him. I was always terrified. I went to the heroin addicts house and got him to come check on my boy with me. He brought narcan. So, he KNEW that he was using. He knew what we might be walking into. He ended up being "Fine"..He just "knodded off"..which also happens when you do drugs. I was in denial. I wouldn't let mysel believe what was right in front of my eyes. Not yet, anyways. We continued our relationship. We would stay out all night, in the price chopper parking lot. Hell, we made it to planet fitness one night. That was the first night we had sex. We would go swimming at queen lake late at night, we would just drive while he sang to me. Boy i loved the way hed look at me and sing certain verses to me. He made me feel special. I think that overpowered all the bad, and that's why i chose to not believe what was happening. I understood why he didn't tell anyone he was a recovering heroin addict. None of us would have given him a chance. We wouldn't have looked at him the same. I don't blame him for lying about that. But, i blame him from keeping it from me once we became as close as we did. We had a different bond, a different relationship, and i thought we would be 100% honest with each other. October 25th, 2019. I got a message from his roommate. He told me he found him in his room, overdosed, and luckily his roommate found him in time to narcan him. He then stole this mans property and took off and sold it. Thats when i knew exactly what i was dealing with. He relapsed. He overdosed. He stole to get money, to do it again. How does one literally DIE from this drug, and still want to do it again and again? That part i'm never going to understand. Why was ruining his life with these drugs a better option than me? We could have had a life together. We could have had everything. But heroin was more important. I kept trying. I tried for so long. There are so many things that he did to me that i can't even name them all. Like the iphone i gave him? He "lost" it. No. He sold it. I bought him another iphone for his birthday. Guess what he did with that one? Sold it. He got fuvked up and left his car in leominster at a gas station for days, that it got towed. $600 to get it back. Who paid for that? Me. I put it on my credit card. He said he would pay me back. Why was i stupid enough to believe that? I did everything i could for him. I really did. It was never enough. I sent him to detox 4 times..before he actually stayed in the program. I never knew what addiction was like. I never dealt with it. Ive never seen it as up close and personal as i did with him. It changed me. That's the whole reason im writing this. I am not the person i used to be. I am damaged. heartbroken. devastated. hurt. hopeless. mad. sad. frusterated. The list goes on. I feel like a failure. I wanted to save this boy. It was my goal. I tried so hard, i did so much, and he is still sick. It kills me. It haunts me every day. Should i have tried harder? Should i have stayed by his side? It's my fault he relapsed. I know it. He wouldn't let me think that way, but we both knew. If i never went back and forth between him and my husband, things might be different. I know that i'm not at fault for his relapse, but i know i had something to do with it. I will never shake that feeling. There are so many memories i have with him that are now triggers for me. It's like, everywhere i go, i think of last summer when it was us. Going to Litz is hard, because we would always have so much fun playing in the water or relaxing on the beach. We would go to the 140 car wash eally late at night, just to clean my car, to go get his car directly after and clean that one. My favorite video i ever took of him was there. It was such a simple video that wouldn't mean anything to anyone else. But the way he looked at me, and shut the car door, was just a feeling i'll never be able to shake off. He always looked at me like i was special. Like i was the most beautiful and important person, ever. That boy had me wrapped around his finger. He knew it. But to be fair, i think he was wrapped around mine too. He would do anything for me. I trusted him. I trusted him more than anything. That is where i fucked up. Times started to get tough, but i stuck by his side. I wanted to be the one to save him i guess. I needed to. It became my biggest priority. I knew where he was 24/7, because he was always with me. I knew what i was dealing with, to a point. He started needing to borrow money, and of course, i let him. Anything he needed, i made sure he got it, and he took advantage of that. He ended up jobless. I remember the last day we worked at Dunkins, i was MAD. Mad that i knew what he was doing behind my back. I remember calling him a liar and fighting with him in the parking lot, we made a scene and people were watching. We were screaming at each other, and i punched him right in the face. He then went inside, and i drove off. You'd think that would have been the end of us, but it wasn't even close. We ended up talking again and things got "fine" again, i guess. I started to distance myself a little, but not much. Sometimes i think something was wired wrong in my brain. All these red flags, and i ignored them all. I continued to fall deeper and deeper in love, while being taken advantage of. But i felt NEEDED. I felt as if i was his ONLY chance at redeeming himself and getting sober again. I sent him to his first detox in the end of October, 2019. Detox is a 7 day program. I was at work on the 5th day, and i got a call from him. He needed me to come get him, he got "kicked out for fighting with someone"..i believed that. I picked him up. After that i realized he wasn't kicked out, he WANTED out. And he did exactly that. You can only assume he went right back to using, right? Exactly. Behind my back once again. But i knew. I ALWAYS knew after a while. I noticed the patterns. Yet i still stayed and did everything i could. We found him a place in Leominster to move into. It was a beautiful home. He had his own room, and bathroom, he was the only one living on the first floor. It was great, and it was a place i could bring my daughter as well because there was room to play. Stupid me, i know i shouldn't have brought my daughter around him. But he was NEVER fucked up around us. Yet, anyways. I would sleepover his new place every time i didn't have my baby. I would have to leave at 4am, so i could get to work on time because i opened, but i never minded waking up that early, because sleeping with him all night was worth it. Laying on his chest was my favorite. I couldn't tell you why, but i felt so safe. So loved. So cherished. I felt special, always. I can't leave out the part where i have to admit, our sex was incredible. It really was. There was one time, we had the most intense sex ever. Like five stars, INSANE, sweaty, every position you could think of. He was CRAZY that one night. Come to find out, he died and was narcaned that same morning. So i'm assuming it was mostly the adrenaline from cheating death, again. In me & his entire relationship, i know for sure of him being narcaned 5 times total. There could have been more times, definitely, and probably. But i only know of 5, and they were all fairly close together. Why? Why can someone die from this drug, AND DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN? Why was i never enough for him? Why couldn't be stay sober? He could have REALLY died, and what about me? He never thought of how it would effect me. Heroin is probably the most SELFISH addiction. It makes me sick. After everything i've done for him, he still chose that over me. I started working at a bar. He would always come and sit there with me. I loved his company, truly. He would sit there and drink soda like a good boy, and i knew he was safe because he was with me. It was when i wasn't with him, that i worried all the time. There was one night at the bar, i made really good money. I made over $100, so i cashed in my small bills for a $100 bill, then the rest $20s. I remember putting my money in my wallet. I had $40 in my car door to give to him for gas, cigarettes, etc. Money his uncle gave me for him, but i was in charge of his money, because his uncle knew what he would do if he had it in his possession. I gave himm the $40 from my car door, i am positive. We were sitting in my car and i let my guard down. What's crazy is he reached into my backseat, and sneakily took money from my wallet. He didn't know i had the $100 bill. He only meant to take small bills so i wouldn't notice as easily. I dropped him off, and he called me telling me i accidently gave him $100 and he was "doing the right thing" by calling me to return it. Then he claimed i never gave him the $40 from my car door, and it mustve fallen out of my car. He went with me all the way back to the bar to look for it in the parking lot. I knew i didn't lose or drop it. I knew he took it and he was trying to cover it up. I hoped when we got there that he would take the money from his pocket, drop it in he parking lot and "find it" and give it back. It was never found though. But, it was never REALLY lost. I let him play innocent and i just played along. I wasn't going to argue and keep calling him out when he refused to tell the truth. There were plenty of times he took money from me. You know, i had $200 worth of change in my car at work. Unlocked. Stupid, i know. I've worked there 5 years though, i knew my car wouldn't get broken into..until it did. He denies it to this day, but i truly believe he stole that money as well. When he needed his fix, he did anything to get it. I guess it's time to bring up the big one now. When he stole my card out of my wallet. I left my purse in my bathroom. I had him over, we were hanging out, trying to find a new program to go to since the one he was at didn't work out. This boy went to detox 4 times before he actually stuck it out, and completed what he needed to do. As i'm trying to help him get better, he's going behind my back, still. Screwing me over. It's November now when this happened. He took my debit card right from my own wallet. I never used that card. It was linked to my husbands account. He knew that, and that's why he took it. He didn't think i would notice. Until my ex went to go take money out to realize his account had been drained. I looked into it, and it was MY card that was being used in the ATMs withdrawing money. I knew it was him. I couldn't believe it. With christmas and my daughters birthday just around the corner, how could he take so much from me? From him? From HER? An innocent child who he claimed he loved so much. I do believe he loved her. And me. I just think that he had to do whatever he had to do to get his drugs, and didn't care who it hurt or effected. I tried calling him and finding him, but i couldn't. He knew he was caught. I had no choice but to call the bank and shut the card down, and go to the police to file a report against him. End game for us you think? No. Our story didn't end there, I had him for multiple charges, and it i actually did a proper follow up, i could have had him locked up, and i could have gotten all my money back. Which in total, he took about $2000 from me. A smart person would have done that, right? Not me. I decided to give him ANOTHER chance to redeem himself. Go get help. Go into a program and STAY in the program. That's when he went to Washburn house. He did good for a while. I didn't get to talk to him much, he could only call at night, but i would always wait for his call. He finished his detox there and was in the second step of the program. I was proud of him. I was happy that he was finally doing the right thing. After a while, he decided that he didn't need the program anymore, wanted to leave and start his life over, again. He swore he would stay sober, because he wanted to be in our lives so badly. I trusted him. It was a day or two before my birthday that he got released. Yay! I finally got to see him again. I was so happy and so hopeful this time would be different. I have to admit, i have a big mouth. And everyone knew what he had done to me, along with everything he's been doing. The lying, the using, the stealing, everything. So at this point, none of my friends supported my relationship with him. He was bad. I knew that. He did bad things, yes. But, i knew him differenty than everybody else. So to me, their opinions didn't matter. He was everything to me. He still made me feel loved, needed, and happy. I hid my relationship with him. Only a couple friends knew what i was up to. For them, i am forever grateful. The support, the shoulder to cry on when things got bad, the advice yet no judgement. I needed it. To this day, i have a couple friends that still understand me and how hard this last year has been for me. There was a point i didn't think i would recover from this. I couldn't even hold myself together at work, because while i was there, especially saturdays, i would be miserable and cry. Why? Because saturdays used to be my favorte day to work. Because of him. The flirting, the sneaking in the walk in/freezer/back door to kiss. It was sweet, and sneaky, and i LOVED it. Without him there, it was all i could think about. Why couldn't things have stayed that way? Why did it all have to change and get SO complicated? Why did i have to end up so HURT and LOST in the end? Back to my birthday, anyways. He spent the day with me. It was good. I was happy. I had plans with my friends that night. We were partying, i had a whole party at the bar. He couldn't come because again, we were a secret at this point. Everyone hated him and he understood. At this point in my life, i will admit i may have had a drinking problem. Through everything he did to me and put me through, i needed to numb the pain. I spent a lot of time at the bars. I was getting drunk almost every night. It was a routine. He saw what he did to me. He realized that the girl who never drank, seemed to always need a drink now. I got trashed on my birthday of course. It was a great night and i loved every second of it. I kept texting him through the night, and i called him drunk when i got home. Not the first, nor the last drunk call i've made to him. I would always drunk call him a billion times until he would wake up and talk to me because at the end of the night, i only wanted to hear his voice. He would always talk to me about eerything and kept talking to me until i was ready to go to sleep. The day after my birthday was the day shit really hit the fan. I was hungover, obviously. I didn't feel good at all, and i was supposed to hangout with him. I bailed, and he was so mad at me. He was staying at a homeless shelter in fitchburg at that point and found a way to gardner so i didn't have to drive all the way out there. He sat at mcdonalds all day waiting for me, but i was not only hungover. I was coming to realize that i didn't want to be in a relationship i had to hide from everybody else i loved. If i was to be in a relationship, i wanted it to be with someone who could come around my friends and family. That was the day i decided to become distant. He freaked out, like really freaked out. I wish i still had the messages and voicemails. I felt bad, but i knew it was time to do the right thing for myself. That night, he checked back into washburn. He said he drank two nips to get them to let him back in, but i know he had money and could have gotten his heroin. I believe he did, even though he never admitted it. He's back at washburn now, getting help again. This time, he really stuck it out. He completed his programs. I Stayed in contact with him, because i wanted to know how he was doing and how his recovery was going. I would message him almost every day, some nights i would get phone calls. He was always there for me. Through all the bullshit my exhusband would put me through, he was always the one i would call and vent to. He always had the best advice and always made me feel better about whatever situation i was in. Now that we weren't together, i did meet someone else. At the bar, actually. He came in, and i was desperate to get over this boy. He was my rebound. But it didn't go as well as id hoped. He was a coke head/alcoholic. Why did i attract these men that need help? But don't want the help. I ended it with him, because if i was going to fix anyone, it would and will always be the boy that meant everything to me from the day he walked into my life. I never really stopped talking to him. He would sometimes try to ghost me because i would be "better off" which is not a lie. I would be. But i had an attachment to him that nobody could ever break. We stayed in contact. Always checking in on each other. Sometimes we would speak about being together again, though we both knew it would never be possible after all the things he's done. He got a job through washburn. He was doing GREAT. He was starting to look at cars and apartments back in Gardner. He wanted to come back. I wanted him to come back, i won't deny that. I knew it would be hard for both of us, but i forever want to know what he's doing and i want to watch him become everything he has ever dreamt of. He had real goals this time. And he had every opportunity to get it all done. It kind of made me angry that he was finally going to get an apartment and do better in life, because i needed him to do that for me months ago. We could have been together, we could have had a good life. But at least he's doing the right thing now, right? So i thought. He was sending me all the apartments he was going to look at, and they were all really nice, and in Gardner. Which is what i wanted. I wanted him close. I wanted to know what he was up to and how good he was doing. I was excited for him. He got a car! I'm not sure how, because his red VW was repoed only like, 6 months ago? I know that because i remember the night it happened. We were at the Turtle, and driving home, he got pulled over and didn't have insurance. They towed the car, and i snuck him into my bedroom and he spent the night with me. I think that may have been the last night we spent together. He ended up giving up on the car because he had no money to get it out of the towing garage, no money to insure it, or pay for it. At that point, he hadn't paid on it in a long time. When he went into Washburn, i cleaned out his car. I took what i wanted and what i thought would be important to him. I saw all the narcan in his glove box. Along with SO MUCH CHOCOLATE. He told me once that heroin addicts live off sweets. Boy, they sure did. When i cleaned out his car, i kept his cologne. It was the scent that he always wore. I loved it. I still wear it now. And i always think of him. The clean, well taken care of, good smelling, perfect boy i loved with my whole heart. At this point, i didn't know where that boy went. Now, i was just frusterated. Frusterated that i fell so har for him, changed my entire life for him, and this is how it ended up. Though, i will admit i am and will forever be grateful. This year, i have learned so many things. I have seen and gone through things that i never thought i would. I overcame things that i thought would tear me down and i would never be the same. Although it's true, i will NEVER be the same, i will always have a spot in my heart for him, but he's made it clear what's more important to him. I met up with him when he first got his new car. He was in the area, and asked me to show him where the waterfall was, where we used to go last summer. I met him, and had him follow me there. He and I talked for like 20 minutes, but it felt..different. But at the same time, i felt comfortable. Like nothing ever happened. He was clean now. At this time, 5 months sober. With a new car. A new job. Apartment searching. He was FINALLY doing it. I couldn't have been happier. But, he never got out of his car. I never got to even hug him, and to be honest, i don't remember the last time i was in his arms. I've tried to kind of blur out everything so i could try and forget. To heal. But realistically, there is no true healing from this. I'll never recover from any of this. But, i am smarter. I have learned. I have grown. And i wouldn't be where i am or who i am today if it wasn't for him. A week or two after i met up with him, i saw his car again. Where i saw it though, i PRAYED it wasn't him. I called him. No answer. I'm crying and panicking now. It was at the crack house that he used to spend all his time at when he was using. He called back, after i drove by the car a few times. I knew it was his car. It had to be. When he called back, he claimed it was not him and he was on his way home from his sisters. I thought that was strange, considering it was a week day and his sister works a lot. When i drove by again, the car was gone. I reached out to his sister to confirm his story..He lied. No surprise. He's always lied. He was ALMOST 6 months sober. And there he was, back to his shit. Why would he put in all that effort and be SO CLOSE to having everything he's wanted? He threw it all away. I will never understand. He knew i was onto him, he knew his family was onto him, because i always reach out and tell his sister if i suspect anything or see anything. He ended up selling his cellphone, and going "missing"..I was a mess. Really. Knowing he is missing, and using again, he could be dead anywhere and nobody would know. The entire week he was missing, i looked for him for hours every day. I drove around Gardner so much, just hoping i'd find him or at least find someone who has seen him and knew he was okay. He finally posted on facebook that he was fine and checking himself in somewhere to get help again. I had a feeling that wasn't true. I hoped it was, but i think after everything, i know better. That is when i got emails saying someone was hacking into my accounts. Paypal, Venmo, my actual Email, etc. He started stealing money from me again. I tracked it back to him, because he was using his friends phone number, who is a known addict because i caught him lying to me saying he was with him a couple times, saying he was safe, when really he was just getting high with this guy right before i brought him to detox. I tracked the number to his friend, then tracked the number to the address. You'll never guess what the address was? The crack house he loved being at so much. Then i started noticing his car. He would park in different places, but close enough to walk back and forth to the crack house. He knew what he was doing to me again. I'll never understand why he would take from me..when all i've ever done is try to help him. Check up on him. I really thought we had a special relationship, a bond, i thought that him and i would always look out for eachother. But he was still out to fuck me over. I drive by his car every single day now. It's on the main road i take to go everywhere. It's literally 5 minutes from my house, if that. And what KILLS me every day, is that i know he's in there. I know what he's doing. I can't do anything to stop him. At this point, it's a waiting game. I believe you can only cheat death so many times. He has done it a lot, and i worry every day that i'm going to get that call or message that he's gone. I don't think he's coming back this time. I think this is it. I believe that when i get the honor to meet his wonderful sister who has been there for me through all of this, it will be at his funeral. I know i can't save him. I know he has ghosted his family, because he is ashamed of himself and doesn't want them up his ass. This is the life he has chosen. And it is such a shame, because he really has the most beautiful soul, he's a wonderful person, when he is sober. I will never be okay with any of this. I am not coming to terms with anything. I hurt, every single day. The whole point of writing this was to get it all out of my head, so try and heal a little bit. As this comes to an end, i have to admit that i don't feel any less heartbroken. I'll forever think of him every time i drive by that building. Everytime i hear certain songs (there are a LOT of songs that remind me of him, some seem as if i wrote them myself.) Everytime i go anywhere we made a memory, he will forever be in the back of my mind. This will stick with me for my whole life. I know that. So, to the boy that stole my heart the second he walked into dunkins... I hope you always know how much i have cared and loved you from day one. I hope all my efforts to help you, fix you, support you, meant something. I hope my drunk phone calls made you giggle and feel special because it was you i wanted to talk to all the time. I hope you meant everything you said on your list of things you loved about me, because i meant EVERYTHING on mine. I hope you regret chosing heroin over me. I hope you regret stealing from me time and time again. I hope you are ashamed of yourself and how you let the demons take over you. I hope you turn your life back around again, but i won't hold my breath this time. I am preparing for your death, but when it comes, please know i will not be okay. At all. But, you chose this. Nobody wanted to see you end up this way. Your family, your friends, me, we all were routing for you and so proud of you. I wish you were stronger. I wish you fought harder. I wish you didn't give in to the temptations. You could have had a beautiful, happy life. You would have made an amazing husband/father one day. I will never understand you or your choices. I will never regret you. I may never forgive you, but i pray for you. I pray you read this one day, and feel what i feel. And i hope that maybe it's enough to save yourself before it's too late. Nobody can save you but yourself. xo * (so cool) *

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horsegirl1h · 5 years

Text

Only Thing Left

Summary: John goes to Van Horn stable to retrieve the one of the only other things he would have left of Arthur, his horse.

Warnings: Angst, Grieving

A huge thank you to the lovely @verai-marcel for taking a look and giving me some pointers!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few weeks after the events at Beaver Hollow, John was laying low at Copperhead Landing. He couldn't help but think of the last moments Arthur spent with his horse on the mountain. Remembering him talking about his other horse he kept in the Van Horn stable, John decided that he had to see if his horse was still there, hoping the stable owner hadn't thought to sell him since his owner hadn't come in for a while. The day John was getting ready to head out, Abigail wasn't too keen on the idea.

"Have you lost your mind John? We just escaped all this mess. Don't be a fool and walk right back into it!" she hissed in a harsh whisper, trying to keep her voice down so as not to wake Jack.

John ran a hand over his face, frustrated. "Abigail, listen, this is something I have to do. Arthur saved me. You know how he was about his horses. I have to at least see if it's still there. He would do it for me." He lowered his voice at the last sentence and looked away, but not without Abigail noticing the mournful look on John's face.

She came up to him and put her hand on his forearm.

"I'm sorry. I just...I just got you back and I don't want to lose you again." Her voice quavered as she spoke.

John put a hand on Abigail's cheek and gave her a small smile. "You ain't gettin' rid of me that easy woman. I'll be back before you know it." He wiped a stray tear from her face before giving her a kiss in its place.

Waiting until after nightfall, John said his goodbyes to Abigail and rode to Van Horn from Copperhead Landing, straying from the main roads as best he could.

He tried to suppress the memories that plagued him all at once. He missed the way things were before they all went to shit. Hell, even when they were at Horseshoe Overlook, he didn't think things were terrible. He missed Old Boy. He missed Sean annoying the hell out of everyone, Hosea and his brilliant schemes. He missed the laughter of the gang after a score was successful and called for a celebration.

But he missed Arthur most.

Coming upon the stable, he could see there were a few horses outside in the pen, but none he recognized to be Arthur's. Trying not to get his hopes up, he hitched his borrowed Walker to the post outside and collected himself before walking in.

Here goes nothing.

The stable owner was towards the back of the barn, giving hay to the night’s residents. Appreciative nickers could be heard as John stopped just inside the doorway.

"Excuse me, sir?"

The owner turns to look at John, albeit weary of his rather late night arrival.

"Can I help you?"

John clears his throat and replies, "I'm sorry to bother you so late but I'm looking for a horse that belonged to a friend of mine. He uh..recently passed."

"Well what kind of horse is it? You got any papers?"

"I believe it's a Foxtrotter. Champagne in color. And no, I don't have papers. The only thing I can tell you was the man who owned him was named Arthur Callahan." John sighed, his hope of finding the horse slowly vanishing.

The owner hummed in thought, seeming to decide if this man's story was true or not.

"I think I remember the name. And we rarely have any that color out this way except for a handful. He's out back, but I'll warn ya, he ain't been too kind."

John followed the man behind the stable to a separate pen from the one he saw earlier. When he actually saw the horse with his own eyes, he was surprised, to say the least.

"Thats…that's the one. But why is he separated from the others? And to be honest, he don't look that great." John stood next to the fence, hands on his hips in slight annoyance for the horse not being taken care of.

"That horse ain't been right in a few weeks. I ain't puttin' myself or no one else in danger ‘cause he wants to be a bastard to anyone that gets within ten feet of him."

John turned to look back at the stallion, shaking his head. The horse was standing against the back of the pen, ears almost flat on his neck with his head lowered to the ground. He was dirty, and he looked like he could use a few bales of hay.

"I'll tell ya what, if you can get close to him and lead him outta here he's yours. I'm tired of dealing with him." The stable owner nodded towards the troublesome horse before stalking off into the barn.

Turning back to the horse, John slowly walked through the gate and shut it behind him. He walked the perimeter of the pen, the stallion watching him as he went. The closer John got, the more anxious the stallion became. Snorts of anger and stomping of hooves caused John to take a few steps back. The movements brought back the memory of the day Arthur brought the beast into camp. They hadn't been at Shady Belle but maybe a few days when Arthur had brought him in from a day’s ride, with only a rope for a makeshift bridle.

*****

"Where'd you find that beauty?" John chuckled as he walked up to the pair and watched the stallion snort and stomp as Arthur dismounted.

"Found some bastard tryin' to put a bullet in him after he ran him so hard he threw him damn near 'cross the river." Arthur gave the stallion a few pats and fed him, trying to calm the beast's nerves.

"Christ Arthur, these mean ones will kill you one of these days." John chuckled as he shook his head at the older man.

Arthur put a hand on John's shoulder and smirked. "Maybe so Marston, but at least if he throws me in the river, I can swim out."

John rolled his eyes and shook off Arthur's hand in mock offense. "Real funny, Morgan."

*****

The memory that flooded John caused him to chuckle out loud. He only wished Arthur were here now to guide him.

John calmed himself as he backed up against the fence and sat down to watch the stallion, and waited. He pulled a carrot out of his satchel and gently tossed it toward the horse, who gave a snort and tossed his head.

Minutes turned into hours, and soon the early signs of dawn were approaching. John was beginning to think it was a lost cause until he noticed the stallions body language had changed. He had walked closer to John, ears pricked forward although still uncertain the human before him could be trusted.

John stood up slowly and held his hands out toward the horse to see if he would get closer to smell him.

"Easy boy, it's just you and me now. I won't hurt ya. C'mon, you don't want to stay here with that mean ol’ man, do ya?"

Slow, careful steps toward the horse. Now that the sun was rising, John could see the horse more clearly and just how bad of shape he really was. His ribs were almost showing and layers of dirt kept the sheen of his once shiny coat hidden. His mane and tail had tangles from a lack of brushing.

The horse stayed rooted where he was standing, and to John's surprise he let him walk up to him, although the horse watched him closely. He sniffed John's hand and nickered. John carefully reached into his satchel and pulled out his brush and began to groom the dirt away. He felt a tugging at his satchel and turned to watch the horse. He was trying to get as close to his satchel as possible and even turned in towards John trying to get closer.

"What is it boy?" John dropped his hand by his side and he swore he could see the flash of recognition on the horse's face and that's when it dawned on him. He had on Arthur's satchel. He realized the horse could still smell Arthur's scent and kept nudging the satchel. He nickered softly and turned back the way he was before, his ears now in a neutral position, with his head lowered.

John walked around to the front of the horse and put his hands on either side. The stallion stepped closer and rested his forehead against John's chest.

He couldn't help but look up at the sky and let a tear fall down his face. He realized that the horse possibly knew Arthur wasn't coming for him and maybe he was even grieving himself?

John let out a shuddering breath, closing his eyes as the ache in his heart overcame him. The stallion nudged him gently, almost as if he was trying to offer comfort. For the first time since everything went to hell, since he'd lost his best friend and had the only family he'd ever known ripped apart, he wept.

The two of them could start healing together, a fresh start in a new place, the memory of Arthur imprinted on them both forever.

#john marston #red dead redemption 2 #rdr2 #angst #grief #grief/mourning #arthur morgan #van der linde gang #abigail roberts

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peaky-shelby · 5 years

Text

Save The Last Dance For Me | Chris Evans [3]

Warnings: Lots of fluff, humor and fun, a little cursing too

summary: After years of separation, Chris and Caroline meet again on the wedding of their mutual friend and uh well life is a very funny thing, ain’t it?

words: 1.583

Author’s note: I really love Caroline and Chris so I thought I could continue the story and give it a better and more satisfying ending. There will be a part 4 too.

Part 1 | Part 2

His strong muscular arms were wrapped around her waist, holding her against his bare chest. She woke up feeling his warm breath on the back of her neck and the warm sunlight coming through the window stroking her cheeks. The memories from last night started coming back one by one, slowly, in swift and beautiful glimpses. From their dance during the wedding, to their time in the beach under the stars. She smiled when she remembered him throwing her in the cold water and then... his kiss. The taste of his lips. the smell of wine and at last she remembered the way he placed her on his bed, how he hovered above her, his lips on her neck, kissing every inch of her skin, she could still feel his kisses on her hands and his hands on her hips. She let out a warm giggle as the memory of him tickling her came on her mind.

That warm giggle was the best alarm Chris could ever dream of. He woke to the sound of her priceless laughter and pulled her even closer to his chest, making him laugh a little more. “Morning” he mumbled in her ear and she turned her body so she could face him. She placed her hand on his beard and stroked it with her thumb.

“What are we doing?” she asked, smiling. Of course the question was metaphorical and chris knew that but decided to play dumb instead.

“We’re laying in bed, cuddling and I’m pretty sure you are about to ruin it.” he joked, leaning in and kissing her cheek, slowly his kissed moved lower to her neck. Caroline shook her head, ignoring his comment.

“How?” she asked simply and Chris couldn’t help but laugh. He stopped kissing her and looked at her face with raised eyebrows. “It doesn’t make any sense, I hate you.” Chris tilted his head, looking at her with amusement as she talked “and then yesterday, we-”

“We had sex”

“Exactly!” She looked in his eyes “how?”

Chris narrowed his eyes and thought about it for a while “Well I put my Pe-”

“EVANS!”

“You asked!” He defended himself and she looked at him blankly before she burst out laughing. Chris started laughing with her, watched her as she let down her guard under the sunlight. God, she looks like an angel, he thought to himself. Caroline smacked him on the chest and he leaned in again, left a couple more kisses on her neck. “It just doesn’t make any sense.” she continued, making him pause and look in her eyes again.

“Really? Because I always thought we’d end up like this one day.” He looked at her lips, smiling and moved so he’s be over her, shielding her in between his arms. “I mean I know you don’t like talking about it but this isn’t the first time we-”

Caroline shut her eyes tightly and shook her head “Oh god no, let’s not remember that tragedy.” Chris smiled as he saw her cheeks getting redder by the second.”In my defense I was hammered.”

“Oh I know trust me.” He laughed. “Drunk and very adorable.”

Caroline opened her eyes and looked at him with love, “I don’t think I’ve ever actually thanked you for that night you..” she stroked his cheek “were a true gentleman” she smirked “for ones in your life.”

Chris saw that last comment coming before she even said it but he still laughed and then he nodded and moved a strand of hair away from her face “I would never take advantage of a drunk girl.” he shrugged “even if she practically threw herself all over me, tried to seduce numerous times, I think you specifically used the words ‘you are a sex god please put-’”

Caroline smacked his arm before he could finish his sentence “Shut up!” she laughed.

“Of course the true show happened when I put you in my bed to sleep and you quite literally tried to grab me from my..” he coughed “man spot.”

“Man spot? Thats what you call it?”

“No hun thats how you called it that night.”

“what?” She screamed the word and his her face with her hands “Oh my god”

“But you should know” Chris held her hand and moved it away from her face so she could look at him “That night was the hardest night of my life” he kissed her hand “Not being able to kiss your body the way I wanted to or let you do all the dirty things you wanted. And ever since I promised myself that next time I saw you I’d make sure you’d be sober so I could do all these things.”

she smirked “Looks like you kept your promise”

“Thank god I did.” He leaned down to kiss her and just when the kiss started getting more and more passionate there was a light knock on the door. “They’ll go away” he said against her lips and kissed her deeper but another knock was heard and this time a familiar voice too.

“Chris! It’s Elena! Open up please!”

Chris and Caroline stopped immediately and caroline pushed him off her “She can’t find out like this, she will destroy me.”

Chris groaned “Hide on the bathroom, I’ll be quick.”

Caroline put on chris’ shirt and run to the bathroom and chris opened the door. Elena looked at him sad and he started panicking “What happened?”

“Jake left! I woke up this morning and he was gone! I can’t find Caroline either-”

When Caroline heard that Jake, the groom, had left elena she opened the bathroom door quickly and walked over to Elena. She didn’t care about her secret, her friend needed her “Elena, are you sure he hasn’t just gone for a walk?”

Elena didn’t respond. Instead she drew a thin line with her lips trying not to laugh and caroline knew exactly what was going “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!”

Chris was confused and had stayed silent while Elena burst out laughing and clapping “I KNEW IT!” She shouted.

“wait- what just happened?” Asked chris

“She lied because she knew I’d be here and she knew that was the only way that I’d come out.”

Elena smiled proudly “Jake and breakfast are downstairs waiting for you. See you soon love birds.” and with that Elena exited the room leaving caroline and chris alone.

“She’s good, she really got me.” whispered chris, biting his lip and then he turned his attention to Caroline. He walked closer to her and put his arms around her “By the way this shirt suits you.” he smiled.

“Maybe I’ll keep it” she mumbled

“It will cost you.” he whispered in her lips, leaning closer and closer. she smirked.

“I’m willing to pay.”

After a while Caroline left the room to go eat breakfast while Chris was having a shower. Elena spotted Caroline on the line for the buffet picking food and went to her, cutting in line. She was the bride so no one complained “Where is your other half?”

“ A) He is not my other half and B) He is having a shower.”

“I’m sure he needed one” smirked Elena. Making caroline look at her in anger.

“You’re never gonna stop teasing me about this are you?” Asked caroline, while putting eggs on her plate. She walked away from the line and sat on the nearest table, elena followed her and sat next to her.

“Honestly? I’m just happy you guys finally did it.” She admitted stealing one of Caroline’s croissants. “When’s the wedding?”

Caroline chocked on her coffee after hearing Elena’s question. She coughed multiple times trying to control her breathing and wiped her mouth with a napkin.

“Wedding? Are you out of your mind?”

“Oh don’t tell me you guys are taking it slooow.”

“There’s nothing to take! We had sex, that’s it. It’s done.” She hissed.

“Are you joking? You two have been in love since preschool, obviously it’s not just sex!”

“In love? Did someone hit you in the head last night, or what?”

“Caroline come on-”

“We can’t even stand each other-”

“Exactly! That’s what I said, you are just saying it with different words.”

Caroline narrowed her eyes confused.

“My grams always said, you like because and you love despite. You love him and you care about him despite how much he annoys you. Care that’s exactly what marriage is about. No matter what happens between you, you always find your way back to each other. I know it may not make sense right now but..” she sighed “your meaningless fights is what makes your relationship meaningful, if you guys weren’t in love all along and truly hated each other, you would have stopped talking long ago.”

Caroline didn’t answer, she looked at her friend, her look getting softer.

“He loves you despite how big of a control freak you are-”

“HEY!” She complained although she knew it was true.

“Care.. Don’t let him go. He’s been waiting for years and trust me I know, no matter how many girls he has dated through the years... He has been saving his last dance for you.”

Just then Chris entered the room and Caroline couldn’t help but smile when she saw him. He saw her and smiled back, and right there they both knew withoyt exchanging any words at all, this was the beginning of the greatest dance they’d ever dance. Their last dance.

AHHHH aren’t they adorable? I love them so much. Next chapter will be the last one for sure and it will be really special too. please leave feedback it always helps and keeps me motivated to keep writing and keep getting better. I love you all xx

@jeanily3000

#Steve Rogers #steve rogers imagine #Chris Evans #chris evans x reader #chris evans imagine #chris evans one shot #marvel #marvel cinematic universe #marvel one shot #marvel imagines #MCU #cute #imagine #love

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firjii · 5 years

Text

@bleedtealblood-fuckeduplol replied to your post

“lads I have an unpopular take on Mistle from the Witcher books and one...”

Well im curious, dish :3

First of all, I’m not super involved in Witcher fandom so I don’t know the general consensus or historical/current fandom takes on this. I really don’t have the time or energy to do so. I’ve read every Witcher novel with an English translation through “The Lady of the Lake” but don’t really talk to other people about the Witcher universe (except maybe the W3 game). I therefore also doubt I’m the first to say this, so consider it a reminder rather than a revelation.

Putting this under a cut because it’s triggery, but TL;DR.....

Mistle x Ciri is one of my very few NOTP’s.

Why, you ask? Not because of how they treat each other once they’ve been in a relationship for awhile – because to Mistle’s credit, she consistently and genuinely sticks up for Ciri.

But.

Here’s literally their first intimate encounter together. It happens fairly soon after Ciri joins the Rats (from The Time of Contempt, chapter 7, page 322-324 in the U.S. Orbit paperback edition):

[Ciri] heard some quiet steps.

“Don’t be afraid.”

It was Kayleigh.

“I won’t tell them Nilfgaard’s looking for you,” whispered the fair-haired Rat, kneeling down and leaning over her. “I won’t tell them about the bounty the prefect of Amarillo has promised for you. You saved my life in the inn. I’ll repay you for it. With something nice. Right now.”

He lay down beside her, slowly and cautiously. Ciri tried to get up, but Kayleigh pressed her down onto her bed with a strong and firm, though not rough, movement. He placed his fingers gently on her mouth. Although he needn’t have. Ciri was paralyzed with fear, and she couldn’t have uttered a cry from her tight, painfully dry throat even if she had wanted to. But she didn’t want to. The silence and darkness were better. Safer. More familiar. She was covered in terror and shame. She groaned.

“Be quiet, little one,” whispered Kayleigh, slowly unlacing her shirt. Slowly, with gentle movements, he slid the material from her shoulders, and pulled the edge of the shirt above her hips. “And don’t be afraid. You’ll see how nice it is.”

Ciri shuddered beneath the touch of the dry, hard, rough hand. She lay motionless, stiff and tense, full of an overpowering fear which took her will away, and an overwhelming sense of revulsion, which assailed her temples and cheeks with waves of heat. Kayleigh slipped his left arm beneath her head, pulled her closer to him, trying to dislodge the hand which was tightly gripping the lap of her shirt and vainly trying to pull it downwards. Ciri began to shake.

She sensed a sudden commotion in the surrounding darkness, felt a shaking, and heard the sound of a kick.

“Mistle, are you insane?” snarled Kayleigh, lifting himself up a little.

“Leave her alone, you swine.”

“Get lost. Go to bed.”

“Leave her alone, I said.”

“Am I bothering her, or something? Is she screaming or struggling? I just want to cuddle her to sleep. Don’t interfere.”

“Get out of here or I’ll cut you.”

Ciri heard the grinding of a knife in a metal sheath.

“I’m serious,” repeated Mistle, looming indistinctly in the dark above them. “Get lost and join the boys. Right now.”

Kayleigh sat up and swore under his breath. He stood up without a word and walked quickly away.

Ciri felt the tears running down her cheeks, quickly, quicker and quicker, creeping like wriggling worms among the hair by her ears. Mistle lay down beside her, and covered her tenderly with the fur.

But she didn’t pull the disheveled shirt down. She left it as it had been. Ciri began to shake again.

“Be still, Falka. It’s all right now.”

Mistle was warm, and smelled of resin and smoke. Her hand was smaller than Kayleigh’s; more delicate, softer. More pleasant. But its touch stiffened Ciri once more, once more gripped her entire body with fear and revulsion, clenched her jaw and constricted her throat. Mistle lay close to her, cradling her protectively and whispering soothingly, but at the same time, her small hand relentlessly crept like a warm, little snail, calmly, confidently, decisively. Certain of its way and its destination. Ciri felt the iron pincers of revulsion and fear relaxing, releasing their hold; she felt herself slipping from their grip and sinking downwards, downwards, deep, deeper and deeper, into a warm and wet well of resignation and helpless submissiveness. A disgusting and humiliatingly pleasant submissiveness.

Guess what? Even though standing up to Kayleigh was absolutely the right thing to do, what happens next is called duress, and I can’t totally get past it. Even Ciri’s reaction the next morning (a hint that she’s reconsidering her orientation) is questionable.

Ciri didn’t ask to be in that situation. I don’t care what your orientation is. Anyone with a shred of decency doesn’t do that kind of shit when someone’s in survival mode and borderline shock (ffs how horny on main is Mistle that she won’t or can’t consider that?).

If Mistle had left Ciri alone after that or stood guard that night to make sure no one messed with her again, it would be very different and I’d wish them all the best. But that’s not how it went down.

Ciri is a little younger than Mistle and is under pressure to keep herself alive and incognito. That makes Mistle an opportunist at best and a predator at worst, even if Ciri didn’t actively shout “no” or scramble away that night.

Fight and flight aren’t the only two possible reactions in that situation. Not saying “no” isn’t the same as saying “yes” and literally any abuse or rape survivor will confirm that.

Yeah, fine, Mistle makes a point of turning Ciri on, but y’all…it’s not that simple. There’s an oh-so-vague but unmistakable tinge of “what happens if I say no?” and that’s not cool.

I was shocked when the tone between them in later chapters pointed so clearly to a relationship (I kept waiting for a passage where Ciri snapped and took action because she was tired of being someone’s pet, but conversely it makes sense that she doesn’t because she’s desperate not only for safety but also belonging and she finds an approximation of both with the Rats).

I’ve seen plenty of people in fandom totally ignore the above and just gush about the youngest wlw couple in the series.

Um. No. Initial consent – if not outright desire – matters, even if Mistle is still a teenager. Without that element, I have trouble seeing this ship as anything other than grooming, regardless of how they’re portrayed later in the series. I don’t classify that encounter as experimentation. Experimentation tends to imply that a) all parties involved planned it, and b) are willing and able throughout the proceedings.

Mistle x Ciri didn’t start out on equal footing and that should matter to anyone who cares about healthy ships.

#discourse #mistle critical #anti mistle #bleedtealblood-fuckeduplol #i've been sitting on this for soooo long #tw sex #tw implied rape #tw implied abuse #the witcher #ciri #mistle #ciri x mistle #meta #fandom critical #not da

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kfawkes · 7 years

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The Part We Play - [Eggsy Unwin x Reader]

[HI!!!!!! This is SO fucking long and it barely even covers this prompt WHICH IS AMAZING. And thats why I’m going so crazy lol. Soooo. I hope you like it?? Been working on it hard, and I have some goooood fun plans for it so I hope you enjoy so I can actually get to the juicy stuff... :) So obviously I mean this is going to be at least 2 more parts XD So hope you like it ;.;

Note: SPOILERS IN THIS SECTION!!! ---- *This is set over a year AFTER the events of Kingsman: The Golden Circle. With that in mind it is a FIX IT. So Tilde is not in the picture, Harry is back and Merlin AND ROXY ARE ALIVE FIGHT ME!!!!!*

Pairing: Eggsy x Reader - OC’s, references to Harry/Merlin/Rox, etc/eventual entry of characters.

Words: 4.2k ... I told you... hella long XD

Warnings: cursing, I can't really think of what else but if something bothers you lmk and I will update this section!

---Read on Ao3!]

All you ever wanted was to have a normal life and a normal family… Just to be able to go to school like the other kids. To have friends, play a sport or maybe even try your hand at theatre. But you learned pretty quick that having anything resembling ‘normal’ wasn’t going to happen.

Not with a life like yours… not with a family like yours.

Although what you had wasn’t really a family so much as it was your father and his goons— but it was all the same: you were stuck. Stuck somewhere you never wanted to be, in a life you didn’t choose and saying you were miserable didn’t begin to cover it.

You were miserable and then some, but you’d gotten a bit better at hiding it over the years. Wasn’t hard considering you’d spent your entire life being homeschooled, hardly ever seeing dad or well, anyone. You also never had a real job because he had plenty of money and friends were hard to come by. Dating? Yeah, that was completely out of the question... but you made your due, you always made your due.

You did so because it’s what mom would have wanted. You couldn’t always see that though and for awhile there you fought it, and boy did you fight it hard. Tried your best to rebel, to have a life outside of this shit your father called living, and it wasn’t until he drug you back kicking and screaming that you decided it just wasn’t worth it.

But just because you accepted it didn’t mean you understood it… and really you didn't.

Why couldn’t you have been like the other kids? Why couldn’t you fall in love and go off to college or get married like everyone else— even though you weren’t even sure that’s what you wanted… you just wanted the choice, and no matter how long you thought about it you couldn’t understand why you never had one. It didn’t make sense to you, and whenever you begged for an answer you were only given more questions. More questions and excuses.

‘There are people who would use you against me.’ ‘Running this kind of business is bound to get you enemies...’ or your personal favorite, ‘Honey, I’m doing all of this for you.’

All of those excuses were valid, and would be pretty terrifying to hear if you hadn’t grown so used to them by now. Not to mention they were usually delivered without a hint of tact, or genuine emotion, and that only made his words harder to believe. He wasn’t convincing in the slightest, but he was your dad still, wasn’t he? To be completely honest, most days you couldn’t tell.

One thing you did know though was that you weren’t afraid of anything anymore. How could you be with a man like that as your father? He never touched you of course, no, you were his little girl; the only thing he seemed to care about and you were the future…

There were some days though— even though they were rare... when you did believe he’d started this for you. When you believed his motives were just and his plans not insane… But none of that really mattered. It didn’t matter because even if he started all of this for you, he was doing it for himself now. He'd been doing it for himself for a long time.

So here you were, the daughter of one of the most successful mob bosses business men in America, being dragged all over the world in his sick fucking plot to control, well… everything.

And all you wanted was out. You played the part, but you dreamt of something better… something more than just being the daughter of a rich psychopath, no matter how nice a ring it had to it. But how could you ever get out with all of his eyes on you?

He had so many eyes, always fucking watching…

The short answer was you couldn’t, and it was almost painful to admit you wouldn’t make it two cities over before he was on your ass. That and you didn’t exactly have the familiarity of your home city to guide you this time… No, you were in the middle of fucking London and you didn’t know North from South. You knew how to get to the coffee shop sure, and the bookstore of course, but that was about it.

So what choice did you really have but to just tough it out?

Dad liked that of course, and brought you in almost immediately as his assistant once you’d stopped fighting your fate. You’d been put in charge of making calls, moving money around, basically everything legit about his business you ran. He called it grooming, but you knew this was really just his way to keep you in his sights.

It didn’t take long for you to realize that ‘assistant’ really just meant you were his maid, and that pissed you off more than anything el—

Knock, knock, knock, knock

“Darlin? They’re gonna be here any minute, can you whip up some of that famous tea of yours?”

“Sure thing, daddy.” You agreed with a sweet smile, shoving the phone you weren’t even paying attention to into your pocket as you push from your bed. A distraction of any size was better than thinking about the vicious cycle that was your life for another minute.

With that in mind you walked by placing a kiss on his cheek as you retreated to the kitchen to do your ‘job’ once more. If there was one thing you hated it was playing the role he forced you into. The role you watched your mother play a thousand times... Well, before she left of course. You can remember the way she played the part of the doting wife and now you were in her spot, filling the vacated space as the perfect daughter.

Looks like some of your childhood dreams came true right? You get to act like everything is fucking peachy every day when really you just wanted to scream.

Now as you stir the large glass pitcher in slow swirls you couldn’t help but think about the job you had to do, and the part you had to play… You’d been doing so well lately, hadn’t you? And now it was time to remember your lines and get to your mark without any more hesitation.

You stepped forward, pressing open the swinging door to the main room with your hip. When you scanned the area you saw that dad’s guests had in fact arrived, and you wondered what todays meeting would entail…

A little torture here, some threatening there? Or maybe they were just stopping by for a pleasant chat. Your dad was unpredictable so really it could be anything, but when you stepped forward the air was so tense you could almost taste it, and you realized there might be one thing you were scared of after all…

Only you couldn’t think about that for long, because by the time you reached dad and his company curiosity had fully rooted; bitting with impatience as you eye those in his party. One of the men— Malcom Royce, you’d known for years. He was a large, muscular man with a tattoo on his neck of a bleeding heart with thorns wrapped around it. Royce was beyond frightening in stature, and had probably put more men in their graves than you had lattes— but you knew he’d never hurt you.

But it wasn’t Royce that had your interest, even if it was nice to see a familiar face that wasn’t fathers. It was the bright blue eyes of the 3rd man that engrossed you. You didn’t recognize him at all, had never seen him in your life… but holy shit did your jaw nearly drop. Whoever this was— he was handsome, really fucking handsome. Far more handsome and younger than any of the people your father brought around the house, and honestly you couldn’t help but stare.

His golden brown hair was thrown about lazily and he had a dark sweater on with a plaid button up below it. He wore fitted jeans and had on a pair of brown boots. His smile was soft and his eyes were light when they met yours and it felt like you already knew him. There was something about him that was almost intoxicating… something that screamed he was just like you, something that said he could save you...

“Perfect timing, darling. Thank you.” he placed a hand to your shoulder softly, but it was done more out of control than anything else as he gestured towards his company with a wide smile. “Thirsty? My daughter here makes excellent iced tea.”

You’d only been looking at… whoever this was for the last 30 or so seconds, but there was a pungent tide that seemed to wrap around the gaze you two shared, and it locked you together. It was insane you knew that, and it almost made you sick to your stomach truthfully; but you could have stared into those azure eyes for ages, getting lost in the possibilities.

Only dad rubbed your shoulder again, pulling you from the strangers eyes sharply. You smiled to yourself, only now hearing the compliment he’d offered. It was genuine you knew that, but in a flash it was back to business as usual. He nodded once signaling you to distribute the glasses accordingly, and just as your script told you to, you compiled.

“It’s not poisoned, honest.” You spoke stepping slightly closer handing off a drink to Malcom with a pure smile. Your father grabbed a glass from over your shoulder as you approached this somehow familiar stranger, holding the glass out for him to take.

The man didn’t grab it though, but he looked from your hands to your eyes sporting a stare you couldn’t decipher. You did however know what that warm chill meant, and that was enough to send your heart fluttering a mile a minute. Maybe it was that jawline, or maybe it was the way he’d been looking at you… whatever it was, it was more than a little intimidating. Intimidating and extremely attractive.

“Oh, it ain’t?” he asked raising his voice teasingly, and you heard the quiet shuffle of those around you as they began listening passively. “Was a bit worried till you said somethin’…”

“Understandable in your line of work.” You answered back just as quick, the ease of your words surprising even you as they left your lips.

“Can’t be too sure.”

After a faint smile, you inched closer pushing the glass towards him once more. “It’s safe… trust me.”

“Yeah, alright.” he smiled at you, not looking to your father as he pulled the drink from your hands; his fingers lightly brushing across your own offering their own soft wave of pinpricks. You lingered on his eyes and lips for a second too long as he raised the glass to you, then the others. “Cheers.”

“Cheers.” the three of them said in unison and a second later your father added with a smile. ”To a very auspicious relationship.”

You watched as they raised their glasses, feeling the heaviness creeping around you like a fog. But even in that mess you couldn’t help but smile as you almost miss the feeling of his fingers over yours. However by the look your father sent playtime was over and he needed you out. Now.

But just before you retreated through the door you’d entered, you threw your eyes to the center of the room once more. That man’s azure eyes had already been transfixed on you, and when your gazes met once more you could almost see the fucking stars.

———

Eggsy P.o.V

Eggsy walked up those marble stairs with a weight heavy on his chest, it was pushing and begged for release but he held his composure as best he could. Thankfully the distress he felt wasn’t painted across his face as obviously as it was along his insides. This part was never simple, but it did get easier and every time he passed that ready check he was thankful.

Thankful because at least so far, he'd managed to keep his head…

“Erick— time you met the boss, Norman Blackwell.” Malcom’s voice was strong and gravely as he threw his arm over Eggsy’s shoulder; pulling him closer in an almost too friendly hug. “Why we’re here, actually.”

Malcom Royce had a cigar sticking out the corner of his mouth, and his yellow shirt was open at least one too many buttons in Eggsy’s opinion. It wasn’t like he claimed to be very stylish, but Kingsman had sort of spoiled him in a way. Now what he wore was somewhere closer to one of those intercity hipsters on their way to teach a class about art history or somethin’ and it wasn’t really a look he was fond of… But it’s what the mission called for, so he’d do it.

For whatever reason, Norman was picky and only paid notice to a certain type of person. Someone scholarly, and intelligent with a background in ecology and other related fields... In Eggsy’s case, or rather Erick Thorne’s- he’d been attending Imperial for some time on scholarship for the Biological Sciences program up until last year when he dropped out due to 'unknown reasons'.

Now, Merlin wasn’t sure what it was about this type that Blackwell liked so much, but it was the key in planning a successful mission. Several other students and scientists in similar situations and positions had gone missing over the last several years, and it was Kingsman’s job to find out why.

Eggsy had been undercover for about 5 months now— working alongside Royce, and it was some of the most stressful work he’d ever done. And that's coming from someone who saved the world not once, but twice. It's why he and Tilde broke it off actually… That and she couldn’t handle just dating after he’d told her marriage wasn’t in their cards. No, people usually don't like being told they ain't as important as a job. But it was the truth, Kingsman came first, and it always would.

Plus with Harry back it just didn’t make sense for him to go off and become a prince. That life wasn’t meant for him… He didn't know shit about being a prince, but this he knew about. This he could do.

“Is it now?” Eggsy asked back, with only mild interest upon his voice. But really, this is what he’d been working towards for months and the fact that the day had finally come felt almost like a dream. “Was you plannin’ on tellin’ me before we got in?”

“I’m tellin you now.” Royce laughed back heartily, his large muscles nearly popping the rolled up sleeves of his shirt.

Saying Royce was huge was about a big an understatement as his height. He was tall and then some, more like a bloody fucking giant. Massive arms, a small head and beady little eyes… Dangerous, and stronger than Eggsy that’s for damn sure, and he begged the universe he’d never have to fight that son of a bitch. Cause if he did, well that was almost certainly a fight he’d lose.

“Cheeky fuck.” Eggsy laughed back stuffing his hands in his pockets as they continue up the remaining stairs. “Jus wonderin’ why you got me meetin’ him s’all.”

“That’s fair… He’s very interested in you actually, even asked for you by name after I told him bout last weeks run.” Royce replied with a toothy smile, his golden tooth flickering in the light as the soft puffs of smoke surrounded Eggsy in waves.

“Did he now?” Eggsy pressed his tongue to the corner of his mouth in thought as he decipher the face before him. When Malcolm just nodded, he sent out a soft laugh looking back to the door and scanning the large white pillars on either side. This house was huge. Larger than most of the houses he’d been in before, and it screamed of money.

“Sure did. Think that bit impressed him… might have something a bit a bigger for ya now.”

“Best we go find out then, yeah?” Eggsy smiled again, trying to ignore the smoke that filled his lungs as Royce moved a hand to his shoulder; squeezing almost tightly as he pointed straight into his face.

“One other thing, while you’re in there… Watch yourself around y/n, ya hear?”

Eggsy narrowed his eyes, tilting his head cautiously in confusion. “Who now?”

“Norman’s daughter.” he accentuated with feigned annoyance in his voice.

Norman’s daughter? Norman's got a daughter? How was it they had no record of Blackwell having a daughter?

Quickly Eggsy pulled up the menu across his contact lenses— some of the new Kingsman upgrades — scanning the files for any mention of a daughter, or of him ever having a child at all, but there was absolutely nothing. The only thing it said about his family at all was that he had a wife that went missing a little over 8 years ago.

“Don’t matter… I ain’t interested.” Eggsy’s voice was stern and believable as he held a disinterested look behind his azure gaze. And really, he meant that… he was NOT interested. Yeah, it’d been over a year since Tilde, and it wasn’t like he was hung up on her or nothin’ either but after all that— relationships just didn’t really matter to him anymore.

What mattered was his family and work. Harry, Merlin and Rox mattered... but not relationships and sure as shit not love.

“Good. Any questions then?” Royce asked after a second believing his answer; sporting a wide smile as he winked, pulling the cigar from his teeth to flick the long gray ash away.

Eggsy had learned enough to know this was the part where he needed to shut up and smile. A shake of his head would do, so he offered it knowing it would satisfy Royce enough to gain further entry. Merlin was likely already working away at that bit of missed information, and would have something of use at the next rendezvous… For now he had to just play this out and hope for the best.

Royce stepped forward, shoving the double doors wide as he lead the way with Eggsy following closely behind; scanning the large room with careful eyes. There were large couches, and several tables with TV’s plastered to the walls. Art decorated the walls like the people did the furniture; and they lounge about beautifully on their phones or computers as if they’d hadn't even noticed people entered.

It all seemed so… normal. Except every so often there would be a large man with a gun, hired and ready to blow someones head off in a moments notice.

When their walk came to a halt, Eggsy saw him… Finally… The man he’d been dying to meet since day one of this bloody mission… Norman fucking Blackwell.

There he was sitting on his own version of a throne— which was just a very large leather couch in the far back of the room, women and Blue Pit’s decorating it like tapestry and he looked like he knew it all.

Norman was a genius. He went to MIT, married a Julie Summers and up until now, was thought to never have had any children. He was a big shot in the clean energy world; founding Aqua-Terra, a Fortune 500 company located in the States. Somewhere along the line he wound up owning over half of the water and power in the country— mainly renewable energy like wind turbines and solar panels, but he dabbled in other areas as well.

Getting into the details of how exactly one man came to own that much of the ‘free world’ would take a short seminar, and right now just wasn’t the time. That and unfortunately Kingsman didn’t know what the hell Blackwell was doing in London, but based off of what they did know thanks to the Statesman— it wasn’t lookin' good.

“Norman… here he is, just like you asked.”

“Ah, yes… Erick Thorne, right?” Norman called from his seat, leaning back leisurely as he locked his eyes on Eggsy’s. He held a small puppy in his hands, petting it softly between the ears.

“That’s right.” Eggsy replied smoothly with a nod, his gaze just as focused as Normans had been.

“Erick Thorne…” he repeated as he moved to his feet, placing the puppy in a woman lap before making his way to inspect Eggsy more closely. “You impressed Royce over here— and that my friend is hard to do. You impressed him so much that I just had to look into you myself…”

“Did you?” Eggsy asked raising a brow curiously with a smile, eyes still unwavering. "What'd you find out?"

"Heh... quite a lot actually. If I’m being completely honest with you, I’ve had my eye on you for awhile now Mr. Thorne, and I’ve got to say I’m quite impressed as well.”

Norman was standing much closer to Eggsy now, too close. He was tall and thin with a perfectly trimmed beard and wore a pair of black fitted jeans, with a dark blue blazer that fit him perfectly. His hair was black and salted yet lively, and in all manner of speaking he was fit and handsome. But there was something uneasy about him too… Something strange in his eyes that made Eggsy uncomfortable, and as he gaze into the face before him he could see the look he wore was a carefully constructed mask.

He’d seen that mask before… he saw it on Valentine. He saw it that night on Arthur. The look before him was bordering on homicidal and was somewhere between raging lunatic and architecture teacher and it was severely convincing.

But Eggsy smiled back as not to offend his host, pulling his arms behind his back; holding his wrist lightly in his other hand. After a brief nod, he began again trying for as neutral as possible. “Jus doin’ my job, sir.”

Norman smiled sinisterly wide, sliding a hand to Eggsy’s shoulder giving it an affectionate shake. He sent an awkward laugh towards Malcom before looking to Eggsy once more. “I’ve heard that before— many times actually. But I’m not looking for that kind of answer… None of these fucking idiots did what you did. They’re selfish fuckin’ pricks that don't care about anything but money.”

He paused momentarily pointing to Eggsy with a lazy finger before starting again, his tone only a fraction lighter. “You don't seem like that kinda guy to me… But if not money... then what is it that you fight for? Or better yet... what won't you fight for?"

Eggsy pressed his lips together lightly, still keeping his gaze strong and as in control as he could muster while he listen to Normans silvery words.

"Unless you are like these fucking idiots. Are you like them, Erick?”

Eggsy swallowed the lump away, staring into those large blue eyes; feeling them piercing like needles. “No, I ain’t.”

“Good… good.” he nodded up and down slowly as that sinister smile returned infill. “Because I have plans for you.”

The air around them was so thick you could cut it, and the sound of a door creeping open did so like a knife. Eggsy watched as a woman walked towards them… as you walked towards them holding a large tray of drinks.

The last thing he should be doing was getting lost in the color of your eyes, and the shape of your lips but here he was… staring at you like the fucking idiot he’d just claimed not to be. Really he should be focusing on the tense conversation that had just passed and the promise of many more… The promise of a job. On what the fuck Blackwell meant by all those fucking mind games he was playing?

Eggsy should be focusing on figuring out what to do next, not the way your hair shined when you walked— but shit you were a beautiful distraction… probably one of the prettiest things he’d seen and now he realized why Royce had warned him about you in the first place.

You stopped just in front of him, and when your eyes met the world nearly stopped around him. Norman had said something, but Eggsy didn’t hear it, he was just watching as you handed Royce a glass then turned towards him with eyes light and welcoming. But when you offered him one, he didn’t take it. For some reason he was frozen just... staring at you.

He didn’t really know how to explain it, but he felt like he’d met you before somewhere. Like you were a part of him already as mental as that sounded and when you spoke your voice was soft and sweet like honey. In those moments, for the first time in over a year… he felt a spark lighting low in his stomach.

“It’s safe… trust me.” You’d told him and it was funny because even though he didn’t know you at all— didn’t even know your fucking name… he did trust you.

For some reason, he did and for a split second he wondered if that trust would save his life, or end it…

#Eggsy Imagine #Eggsy x Reader #Eggsy Unwin x Reader #Kingsman #Kingsman fic #fanfic #prompt #part 1 #eggsystential crisis

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perhaps-mr-collins-has-a-cousin · 6 years

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Tagged by @ohbeeone to answer 85 questions about myself, thank you! :)

last

1. drink - peppermint tea 2. phone call - my cousin--finalizing our plans to stay overnight at a local bed & breakfast, just for the heck of it (it was super fun) 3. text message - a photo (from my cousin) of the back of my hair right after she styled it 4. song you listened to - "This Is Not a Test” by She & Him 5. time you cried - About a week ago, and I’m still not entirely sure why. Sometimes you just need to cry for no reason, you know?

ever

6. dated someone twice - I’ve never dated someone once 7. kissed someone and regretted it - no 8. been cheated on - also no 9. lost someone special - yes 10. been depressed - I’m not sure. 11. gotten drunk and thrown up - No. (I’m starting to feel very boring, but hey that’s okay!)

fave colours

12. light pink 13. dark green 14. lavender

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends - Yes! 16. fallen out of love - no 17. laughed until you cried - yes 18. found out someone was talking about you - Not really, other than overhearing my boss talk to her clients about me once or twice when I was out of the room (but she only said very kind things). 19. met someone who changed you - Hmm...I don’t know. 20. found out who your friends are - I never know quite what this question is supposed to mean? 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - no

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - I’m not on the Facebook at the moment, but I think when I was I knew all but one of my friends there in real life. 23. do you have any pets - a sweet, strange little toy poodle named Suki and a canary named Sweetie (although both of these pets are technically my mom’s) 24. do you want to change your name - I kind of feel like my name is too elegant to really fit me, but I still wouldn’t change it. 25. what did you do for your last birthday - My parents took me to dinner the night before, and then on the birthday my aunt and cousin came over and we painted pumpkins and it was super fun! 26. what time did you wake up today - 7:30-ish? 27. what were you doing at midnight last night - watching the 1951 Alice In Wonderland 28. what is something you can’t wait for - This darn headache to go away, I’m a little worried I’m coming down with the flu, like this afternoon when I was driving my cousin home I felt really carsick and I was the one who was driving?? 30. what are you listening to right now - clocks ticking and the occasional car driving past 31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - Why yes, I say hello to Mr. Bombadil all the time when I drive past this really hilly spot that reminds me of the Barrow-downs on my way to work. 32. something thats getting on your nerves - Things feel kind of tense in my household right now, and I’m not sure why, like I’m wondering if some kind of argument happened when I was gone or something? And being around other people’s emotional tension, whether real or imagined, sometimes makes me irritable. 33. most visited website - Tumblr or Gmail 34. hair colour - brown 35. long or short hair - I like both, but the rule seems to be that when my hair is short I want it to be long, and vice versa. 36. do you have a crush on someone - I feel like Febs’ answer very much applies to me as well: “i develop and discard crushes with wanton abandon” 37. what do you like about yourself - I’ve been feeling very not confident lately, so I don’t really know. 38. want any piercings - I think nose piercings are so cute, but I’m too much of a coward to get one. 39. blood type - No idea! 40. nicknames - Jul or Juls 41. relationship status - single 42. zodiac - Scorpio 43. pronouns - she/her 44. fave tv shows - Poldark, Little Bear, Lizzie McGuire, Hannah Montana, NCIS, American Idol (almost all of these are old shows that I used to watch, I guess I don’t watch that much TV anymore?) 45. tattoos - none yet 46. right or left handed - Mostly right-handed, but there are a few things I’m left-handed in (mainly softball way back when I did Little League). 47. ever had surgery - just my wisdom teeth when I was 17 48. piercings - just my ears 49. sport - I don’t really play them or watch them (except for some cycling races that I watch with my dad). 53. drinking - The only alcoholic drink I’ve tried and liked was one of those Mike’s Hard Lemonades; I actually tried a tiny bit of red wine this weekend and it was super gross-tasting, I’m sorry. 54. i’m about to watch - the insides of my eyelids, I’m exhausted 55. waiting for - I’m not sure, but probably something! 56. want - more motivation to eat healthier foods 57. get married - I want to, but it’s not likely and it’s not something I need to be happy. 58. career - hopefully dog grooming

which is better

59. hugs or kisses - hugs 60. lips or eyes - eyes 61. shorter or taller - taller 62. older or younger - older 63. nice arms or stomach - arms 64. hookup or relationship - relationship 65. troublemaker or hesitant - neither (but if I had to choose I would say hesitant)

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - no 67. drank hard liquor - no 68. lost glasses - not permanently, but yes 69. turned someone down - I mean...kind of? 70. sex on first date - I’m one of those wait-till-marriage people. 71. broken someones heart - no 72. had your heart broken - no 73. been arrested - no 74. cried when someone died - yes 75. fallen for a friend - When I was a lot younger (like in grammar school haha) I has crushes on a couple boys I was friends with, but now I’m more neurotic than I used to be and the idea of men anywhere near my age knowing I exist gives me the Anxiety and I can barely speak to them, let alone become friends with them, let alone become friends with them and fall for them :/

do you believe in

76. yourself - It depends on the day. 77. miracles - yes 78. love at first sight - probably not 79. santa claus - I never believed in Santa Claus, but I did believe in the Easter Bunny because my friend at school emphatically assured me he was real. 80. kiss on a first date - If I were going to go on a date, I think I would want it to be with a guy I’d already become really good friends with, so...maybe? (But probably not.) 81. angels - yes

other

82. best friend��s name - I don’t really have one 83. eye colour - depends on the lighting, at different times they can look blue, grey, or green 84. fave movie - At the moment I want to say The Voyage of the Dawn Treader? Like there are things about it I would absolutely change, but I feel like the emotional tone of it is so joyous and alive and it makes me cry happy tears and I just love it. 85. fave actor - I don’t think I really have one?

I’m tagging: @porcelainfeather, @canadiangold, @thenorthlights, @the-stars-descend, @oenothera5, and anyone else who would like to :)

#again a reminder that there's absolutely no pressure to do something i tag you in if you don't want to <3

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clonerightsagenda · 6 years

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Kanaya’s arc part 2: Cherubquest onward

Canon doesn’t really have Kanaya and Terezi talk, which is kind of goofy considering they are theoretically friends, played a killer game together, and then lived together for three years. So we do that. They both confess that they have seen other people is more capable than themselves, which is a common problem. Impostor syndrome, I guess. Also, in the refuge of the bubbles and in the presence of probably the person with the most fucked up love life choices, Kanaya finally admits her concerns about her relationship. Although she feared that calling Rose on her behavior would might lead to a breakup, she now worries that her reluctance to act has destroyed them from the inside out. She is also hurt that Rose concealed these things from her because it feels like a betrayal. As I’m reading this I’m realizing that my more recent Kanaya updates were not all that original and kind of repeated a bunch of shit I already said. Oh well. We’ve been going so slowly I’ve forgotten stuff.

She references her quest again and reiterates that she is happy to have it, but she also suggests that she’ll be happy to finish and be able to set out on something of her own. Just because we’re content to do something that was asked of us doesn’t mean we want to do it for the rest of our lives. She doesn’t want to be defined solely by that role - the role of always dedicating herself to others heedless of her own desires or needs.

One would expect a space player to have a sense of space. So I think it’s fitting that it is Kanaya who ponders what exactly counts is home for these kids at this point. Their old planet? The meteor they spent the last three years on? Instead, despite her spatial orientation, she identifies not a spot but a group of people as their true home - the people they spent the last few years with. That’s the home that they can take with them.

When the girls meet Vriska, Kanaya brings up her worries that she did not act enough. However, Vriska suggests that it probably wouldn’t have changed anything and might have made things worse. When it comes to light heroes who can accept constructive criticism, she doesn’t make the top of the list, not that any of them love it. The conversation between the two isn’t a lot, because I’m really focusing on the sisters, but I did want to give them some sort of closure, considering they had the whole red pale thing going on. As a side note, you think that would come up at least a little bit in the retcon universe, considering they were in the same place, and Vriska is shown having a heart next to her after Kanaya punches her. But who knows.

On to the first update I stalled this response for. Allegedly Kanaya’s outfit here is based off some sort of metal gear thing, because Gill just does that all the time now. Don’t ask me what or which one. I’m pretty sure that’s why she has an armband, although the explanation we’re going with is that Rose tried to start knitting her a scarf and never finished it.This conversation starts with Rose brooding, because that’s just what her family does. When she mentions that her universe is dead, Kanaya gently reminds her that she’s not the only one. Kanaya also lost a world and a mother. This reminder isn’t meant to belittle her feelings, but to let her know that she’s not alone, and she doesn’t have to feel like it’s just her against the world. Space heroes often end up in emotional labor source-sink relationships, and you really see that play out here. At the beginning of the conversation, Rose is angsting, and Kanaya is doing requisite supportive body language. We see a little bit of her insecurity peek through

KANAYA: It Got Us Here KANAYA: Thats Not All Bad KANAYA: Right

But she is quickly reassured. Like I said before, space players tend to deal with what’s in front of them and not stress as much the alternate possibilities. As far as Kanaya’s concerned, shit happened, and here they are. She is more worried about the responsibilities lying in her future than other ways things could have gone when she knows they had no other choice. As the conversation goes on, though, she begins to voice more of her fears. A big theme of this conversation is stewardship are motherhood and how to take care of things. Rose’s stance is more aggressive. To protect someone, you have to destroy what might harm it. Kanaya isn’t so sure about that, but she is worried about the responsibility of bringing back an entire species. That’s a lot to deal with, especially when you’re a kid and your world is gone. The world isn’t great, and she has to deal with the responsibility of subjecting her future charges to that. Parenthood is hard.

KANAYA: Echidna Handed The Burden Of An Entire Race To Me And Everyone Expects Me To Carry It KANAYA: They Believe I Can Do It Because I Have Been Carrying So Much For So Long

She is also learning to start admitting some of her stresses instead of being the typical space player burden-bearer. More on that in a bit.

KANAYA: Not To Mention As An Agent Of Creation Both Through Space And Prospit I Can Tell You When The Balance Has Been Struck KANAYA: To Avoid Any Too Reckless Acts Of Destruction Merely To Break With The Old KANAYA: If You Dont Mind That Is KANAYA: I Dont Want To KANAYA: You Know

I mentioned this before, but we see back in act five that Kanaya’s worried about accidentally wandering into the pale quadrant with Rose. She also doesn’t want to give the impression that Rose needs watching or that her job is simply to rein her in, however, she does want to help with her endeavor. There’s a difference being the one trying to control someone, and being a co-collaborator in their efforts. Despite her thinking that Rose sometimes may be too reckless, she also knows that is part of who she is and would not want to lose that.

On to our most recent update. If you go back and read early scenes, Kanaya is at her most awkward and funny when meeting new people, so I played that up here with Roxy and in her later walkaround logs.

In this conversation, Kanaya finally escapes the typical space player source-sink emotional labor relationship. Instead, she is honest: about her fears of smothering Rose, about her drinking problem, and about frustration she feels over Rose’s addiction. She also admits to her own insecurities, especially in comparison to her dancestor. “I can control myself,” she says. A lot of her story is about control. She enunciates carefully. She grooms topiary into beautiful shapes. She tries to keep the social dynamics around her orderly. I think part of the reason she keeps mum about her problems is because it betrays that facade of control, and admitting her addiction problem does too. However, that silence only prevents her from truly getting a grasp on her situation. Sometimes you have to loosen your fingers a little bit in order to get a better grip.

Moving on, I honestly thought she would make use of all the blood she purchased in canon. She didn't, but we do. Symbolically, she is taking a former weakness and symbol of death or loss and turning it into a chance to fulfill her quest and bring about new life. Of course, in canon they just use the ectobiology labs, which raises the question of why the orb was such a big deal in the first place, but oh well. I guess they used it for the initial population surge to keep going. Rose throws her two cents (or rainbow lifey water) into the mix, because girlfriends gotta work together.

KANAYA: Are You Breaking Up With Me ROSE: Think of it as offering a strategic retreat, if you want to take it. KANAYA: Is That What You Want

Like I said, this is her chance to be honest. At first, Kanaya shows some of her typical passivity, responding as if she is leaving the choice up to Rose. Rose, of course, would probably then wriggle her way out of the relationship out of a misplaced sense of duty and/or the belief that she is not worth it. It's a family trait. We mostly see the angst on Rose's side of the relationship, but now Kanaya gets a chance to speak, repeating a lot of the same concerns she finally spat out earlier to Terezi. This isn’t a situation I am familiar with personally, so I did do research into how alcoholism affects partners or other loved ones. I think more than anything else this is Rose’s wake up call and what will prevent her from falling off the wagon again. She doesn't want to do to Kanaya what her mother did to her.

KANAYA: I Kept Hoping I Would Find A Way To Fix It KANAYA: But Thats Not What A Relationship Should Be

Space girls do seem to favor fixer uppers, especially Kanaya. And as she says, you can't build a relationship just on that. It's unhealthy and one-sided. However, even if they're going through a rough patch, that's not all their relationship is. And for once, Rose leaves a crucial decision about her life in someone else's hands, and Kanaya is willing to make the tough choice instead of letting someone else make a call she doesn't agree with. Communication, guys. Astounding.

They close out the conversation by talking about having fun. This is partly because they have all had some terrible times, but also because this couple is often painted as the "boring lesbians" or "background couple" and that is silly. They're going to have a good time.

Like I said, Kanaya still has several more significant updates ahead. I just didn’t want to sit on this DVD commentary forever. So stay tuned for the conclusion of her hereditary quest and a few other bits I think you'll find interesting. Overall though, what I tried to focus on was her putting herself first a little bit. We know she's insecure and will sometimes avoid conflict or try to help other people even if it isn't in her best interest or she disagrees, so throughout the story I tried to make sure she stood up for herself, learn to voice her true feelings, and put her foot down when she thought it was necessary. She may not be a beacon of self confidence – I don't think any of them are – but she's doing better. That's what we can hope for.

#tlcstuck #dvd commentary

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hollysdailyrambles · 4 years

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Calling out Loved ones on Racism

7.17.2020

It is not easy to call out a loved one on their racism and sexism, but this is no longer a time where we can be silent. A loved one posed this meme, which is very offensive and disgusting. I have conflicted with this loved one in the past, and have fought publicly on face book with this family member before. Although I can and will continue to call out this bullshit publicly, I felt this particular post required a more personal. Here is what I sent in a personal text.

"I'm not going to call you out on Facebook, but I would like you to know that this post is horrible.

It comes across as very racist and sexist as you are implying women of color would ruin the world.

I know you do not have racist or sexist views like this. Also because I know you, I know youre implying its democrats that would ruin the world. But the fact that this is an image of two of the only women and people of color in the democratic party come across as both racist, and sexist.

And although I am not a person of color, I am a woman. This post is a microaggression against women, one of many things today that will tell me that my worth as a woman is less than that of a man's and I am not as capable as men. I am happy to share some articles about microaggressions if you'd like to know more, but they're very real and very harmful."

The family member responded with something about how the left is destroying america. He also said that “Nothing to do with sex you are reading into what is not there.” and “If that meme was the Governor of California or the mayor of new york it would be just as relevant.”

So in response, I said:

It has everything to do with sex and race. You may not think so, which is something you are fortunate to have the ability to think so due to being a man. However, it is not "reading into something thats not there." I'll explain why. Today, I woke up and looked at the news. I saw multiple articles about how women are just accusing men of sexual abuse to get back to then, and women are just looking to ruin men. I checked my Twitter, and saw some people posting DMs about how women should just go back to the kitchen and should stay out of politics. I picked up a book, one mom lent me. It is a Romance novel about how independent strong women are bad, and they need to rely on men to provide. I spoke with {Neighbor} yesterday, and she implied its [Fiance] that runs the house, where as I'm the one who takes care of almost everything. I take a look as most CEO boards. Most are men. I am consistently told that as a woman I am worth less. So why would this post, showcasing two women in power ruining the world be any different ? If it were the mayor of New York or Governor of California, it would be the same to you. To me, it would show me that men can also screw up the world.

My life experience as a woman has been very different from yours. I am consistently told im worth less. Before (his son), how many times were you asked if you were going to have a son? How much pressure was put on (his brother) to keep trying to have a son when he and (his SIL) were trying? I remember these clearly. Consistently drilled into me that I am worth a fraction of being a man. This post hurts me, because although YOU see it as shaming the democrats, I see it as another instance of woman being put down for striving for power. Other people have that little notion in their mind that reinforces women are less.

It motherfucking sucks to have your entire experience invalidated by someone who never will have lived life as a woman. I wish i was at the point with this family member where i could talk about the racist elements of this post without being accused of being brainwashed. I have to talk from personal experience to be able to avoid that come back.

I have issues with the “You’re reading into something thats not there” comment, that is frequently said to dismiss racism and sexism accusations. It IS there. As a culture, we are groomed to be racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, antisemetic, islamaphobic and so much more. I could give countless examples of these things in daily media. As Americans we are groomed to view them as just normal, and understand although the subtext is there there’s enough plausible deniability that it can’t be called out. Once, maybe you can credibly deny it. When it happens over, and over, and over again, it is a pattern. An intentional one.

Oh, incase it wasn't clear - Black lives matter.

It’s also not enough to be not-racist. You must be anti racist.

#blm #antiracist #sexism #mysoginy #callingoutfamily #feminism #essay #hollysdailyrambles

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littlepuddingsugg · 7 years

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Manhattan Dreams

Request

A few days ago, you and Joe had landed in New York after he had surprised you with the trip.

You had been all over the world with Joe ever since the beginning of your relationship and although the places you had gone were incredible you had only really wanted to go to New York, mainly to see the notorious Manhattan skyline you had seen so many pictures of. A couple months after Joe had learned about this, he booked a five day trip which you were more than happy to take a week off of work for.

>>>

“I don’t think I’d ever get over this view.” You said as you looked out onto the city from your hotel window.

Joe had made sure that the view from the hotel was absolutely perfect so your dream was able to come true whenever you looked out the window.

“You said that yesterday love.” Joe laughed as he walked up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist and resting his chin on your shoulder.

“Well it’s true. I have been dreaming about this skyline ever since the first time my mum had shown me pictures of it when she and dad had gone ages ago.” You said leaning back against him.

“I still can’t believe it took me this long to figure out this dream of yours. We could’ve gone years ago if you would’ve brought it up you know?”

“Yeah, I know.” You said simply causing Joe to chuckle once again.

“Well love, as much as I’d like to stay here and watch you look out a window, we have much more city to see today and were losing daylight.” Joe said letting go of you and walking back over to the bed as he packed his backpack with his things, “And I’m hungry.”

“We shouldn’t have had such a long lie in then.” You teased as you followed him back to the bed to grab your shoes.

“Hey, I really liked that lie in and I’m certain that you did to.” Joe said with a smirk and wink before leaning over to kiss your lips.

>>>

“So, what do you have planned for this evening Sugg?” You asked, bringing your attention from your surroundings back to your boyfriend who had started rowing the row boat once again.

“What makes you think I have anything planned for tonight?” Joe said, letting out a forced laugh.

“Well seeing that its our last night here, I just thought you wanted to do more.” You said studying him.

“Oh, well theres this rooftop restaurant that has a perfect view of the skyline and I was thinking about going there for dinner. I mean, its not like we need yet another spectacular view or anything.” He joked.

You smiled before turning your head to look back at the tree line that surrounded the pond, your eyes wondering to the few other people who were also in rowboats.

“Looks like the wedding is over.” Joe’s voice said bringing you back to him.

“What? Oh yeah.” You asked as he pointed back over to the park as the two of you got closer.

You watched the bride and groom and their party pose for pictures, their guests celebrating with drinks in their hands in the grassy area a few yards away.

“Thats cute.” You smiled.

“It’s a perfect night for a wedding too.” Joe said as you made your way closer to the bricked dock where a worked was waiting to tie the boat back up.

Joe stopped rowing, letting the currant drift you back to the dock where you grabbed the outstretched hand and pulled yourself back onto land.

“You two have a wonderful night.” The worker said.

“Thanks, you too.” Joe said as he intertwined his fingers with your as the two of you made your way out of Central Park.

“So where is this restaurant?” You asked when you had gotten out of the park.

“Not far, I don’t think. I came here years ago and I think it was down this way.” Joe pointed towards a street.

“Well lets, hope you’re right.” You laughed, moving your hand up to his arm as the tow of you crossed the street.

A couple of minutes later, the two of you came to a stop at a restaurant that had the word ‘Rooftop’ lit up on neon colours above the door. Joe spoke to the host quickly before following him through the restaurant and up the stairs to the rooftop.

“Wow,” You said looking at the scenery around you, “I think this beats the hotel.”

“Really?” “Yeah, we don’t get to see the sunset from the hotel. This is gorgeous, thank you.” You said placing your hand on Joe’s from across the table.

“You know I love you right. And I want to help make all you dreams come true like you’ve been making mine come true.”

“And what dreams are those?” You asked, a questioning look taking over your face.

“Being happy, with someone I couldn’t ever imagine letting go. I’ve never ever, in my entire life, been as happy as I have been since the day I met you. I never thought I’d ever find someone who would complete me, or make me feel like I was missing out on this thing called love until I met you and I don’t ever want to go back to feeling like that because you do complete me Y/N. In more ways that I can put into words or even understand myself and I love it and I want to be with your for the rest of my life.” Joe paused briefly as he pulled his hand out from under mine and reached down into the pocket of his backpack and scooting his chair back from the table and getting down on one knee.

Your eyes widened as you realized what was happening, and the loud sounds of conversations coming from the other tables slowly died down.

“So Y/N Y/L/N, will you continue to make my dreams come true and marry me?” He said holding out a black box, lifting the top up to reveal beautifully stunning diamond ring.

You were speechless for a few seconds before forcing yourself to nod your head as a tear streamed down your face. You extended your hand, allowing Joe to slid the ring onto your finger as the restaurant cheered. You pulled him up and into a hug as you struggled to hold back your tears.

The two of you finally took a seat, thanking the few customers who had congratulated you on their way out, as the waiter came back around with your drinks.

“We’ll need a few more minutes.” You laughed, wiping away a tear as you picked up the menu you had yet to touch.

“Thats alright, and desert is on the house if you two have room later.” The water said before walking away to another table.

“You alright?” Joe asked seeing you let out a breath.

“Yeah,” You said looking down at your hand, “Never been better.”

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fan-clan-fun · 7 years

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Skyclan Reborn: Chapter 1- So that’s what dreams are made of...

He knew it was a dream because the colors were wrong…. And also he could fly. The sky, which at this point in the summer should have been dulled slightly by the intense sunlight and dry heat, was instead the vibrant cobalt of a winter morning. The grass was green as if it had just sprouted, and flowers from all four Seasons mingled oddly.

But Sky cared less about that. He was more interested in the fluffy tailed squirrel nibbling on a nut a few tails away. In the bright sun and complete lack of cover, Sky would have been spotted many moments before, but this was a dream, and he was in charge.

With a quick wiggle to build up some momentum, the tom leaped. He landed empty-pawed and face to face with an apparition. Sky had heard the term ghost before, from the cats who hung around the graveyard, but this thing wasn't exactly what they had described. It was translucent, like the heat waves off the pavement during high noon, vaguely cat-like in shape. It's eyes however were clear, bright yellow.

“Greetings Sky.”

The white and grey tom sighed. “Oh come on…. Again?” It was a recurring dream, one he suspected was due to whatever prey he ate or activities he did before going to sleep. He found it annoying but bearable. After it said it's fill it usually just dissipated. But this time, It seemed more urgent.

The thing did not respond to his comment but continued to speak, almost hurriedly.

“You are destined for great things. You, descendant of Cloudstar, must rebuild and remake the fifth clan. Without you the four cannot survive leafbare.”

Sky snorted. “Yeah sure, thats not cryptic at all.”

The comment seemed to agitate it, and for the first time in all the iterations of the dream, it began to move. Every time Sky had seen it, it had been stationary, never moving, he had assumed it could not. Although it appeared to walk as a normal cat, in reality the thing never touched the ground, but instead glided a whiskers length above it, and moved through the grasses like a quiet breeze. It was unnerving, and Sky arched and backed up on instinct. But as soon as he moved, the creature accelerated. Sky turned tail and bolted, eyes wild with fear and ears pressed to his head, but he could feel the heavy presence of the creature just behind him, wailing.

“The clans! You must save the clans! Only you can--”

Sky woke with a startled yelp to a stinging pain on his rump. Although it was late at night the constant twilight of the city streets crept into the little hollow in which he slept. He blinked at his tortoiseshell mate, whose claws were still lightly embedded in his skin. She pulled them out and gave her paw a casual lick.

“What was that for?” he whined. Shiloh was a more than capable she cat, but also brutally practical.

Her ears swiveled sideways in annoyance.

“You kicked me in the gut in your sleep. You could have hurt the kits…. Thankfully you did not.”

The tom started, blue eyes widening with a moment of concern. He had almost hurt his kits? A prickle of embarrassment tugged at him as he watched his mate’s wary face. She probably wondered if it had been deliberate. Many toms had been known to fall to their inner voices, which whispered for them to kill kits. But it rarely happened with a tom’s own kits, at least not intentionally. But seeing her wary stance, Sky's ears wilted slightly and he glanced at her sheepishly. “Sorry. I was dreaming about the thing again, the uhh spirit. It was telling me about the clans.”

The she-cat sighed. Her attention diverted.“Did you eat squirrel again?”

“.....Maybe?”

She rolled her eyes. This was not the first or even the fifth time this same conversation, or well, a similar one, had played out between them.“Sky, you know what those do to you,” she said, exasperated. “I don't understand why you keep eating those things. I'm almost certain the forest squirrels eat weird mushrooms.”

“I know, Shiloh…. I’m sorry.” He shuffled closer to her and gave her an apologetic lick to her brindled ear.

Her body relaxed and she smiled at him ,murmuring as he began to groom her more thoroughly. “The little ones are fine, although they are excited now, moving and twisting around.” Shiloh gave a short gasp. “Oof. We have at least one strong kit, I'll bet they will out eat the both us.”

Sky paused in his grooming to look over her body, which had filled out from both the kits and his efforts of steady hunting. She was so beautiful, and he wondered daily how he had managed to ever catch her eye. “How long?” he asked.

She looked thoughtful for a moment before answering. “About half a moon. We will need to start looking for a nest soon.”

Sky nodded and resumed his task of bringing both his mate's and his own fur to a shiny cleanliness.

“You know,” Shiloh murmured a few moments later, “ The clan thing isn't a bad idea.”

The tom paused halfway through a lick, his tongue still halfway out his mouth. He pulled it back in before he said, “Wait… what?”

“I said,” the she cat enunciated very slowly, “That the clan thing was a good idea. Honestly, even though I don't necessarily believe in spirits or omens or whatever you would call that thing, I do believe that one's innermost desires make themselves clear. You keep having the same dream, over and over, and I think that means you really want it.”

Sky nodded. “I suppose so,” he said, “But that would be a lot of work, especially for a heavily pregnant she-cat.”

Shiloh flicked him him with her tail. “Oh please, if anything you've said and the rumors I've heard are half true, a clan would be safer for me and the kits. No having to constantly worry about disputes over food, or someone finding the nest while I'm out, or a rogue Tom coming through. We would be safe, surrounded by cats we trusted, and we could raise our kits in relative peace. If we can figure out that supposed code that they go by, we can make a name for ourselves as…. As a safe place for cats.”

As his mate spoke, Sky became increasingly excited. She was right of course. The possibilities, the benefits of safety in numbers were obvious. But he knew there were concerns he would have to anticipate and his excitement dampened a bit. “I'm not so sure that other cats would go along with it. It has barely been a cycle since Scourge and his nasty gang fell, and for most cats, he and his group are the only example of a united front and a ‘Blood Clan.’ I dont think demanding prey gifts for protection or stealing young kits is what we want everyone associating with our group.”

“Well, we will just have to go about differently.” Shiloh said. “Besides it's not like everyone believed Scourge and his group were legitimate. There are still stories of the other clans around and plenty of cats who feel vulnerable enough they would be interested. Probably even enough kittypets who would be drawn by the excitement of living like their ancestors.” She said the last sentence with a sarcastic bite. Most cats knew kittypets were naive, some bordering on childish, because all they had ever known was fullness and contentedness. Though there were always exceptions, but many of those disliked being called kittypets for those reasons.

But Sky wasn't paying attention to that, instead he was thinking through everything that needed to be done, how he could do it. “Okay,” he said with with a sly smile and a flash of teeth,” First we need a base of operations, then we need to figure out how we are going to recruit and what we are going to tell other cats. Especially cause of all the weird different rumors about the clans. So like, what the rules are and how to join and what training cats need.”

Shiloh nodded along with a quiet little smile as he listed each thing.

Sky rattled on. “Then we need to figure out who we are going to recruit. What are our standards? We don't want any who are too violent or untrustworthy. Should we recruit a bunch of younger cats? But then we'd have to train them….” He continued until he realized Shiloh was asleep, and then stopped, nuzzling back into position and falling asleep curled around her.

#SkyclanReborn #skyclan #Warriors #Warrior Cats #warriorsocs #warriorsworldbuilding

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