#Whenever i do/say/ask for something i want I'm a disgusting selfish person | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

curiousquirks · 1 year

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For the nsfw alphabet, I'm really curious about Dabi and Mr. Compress tbh...

A/N: Got 'em both here for ya <3

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

He’s not a very affectionate person so don’t expect anything special. He’s the type to smoke a cigarette, scrolling aimlessly on his phone. Or get up to piss and maybe grab a snack. If his partner asked for something, he’d make a snide comment but he’d probably get it for them.

B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

On himself: He’s pretty self conscious but I can see him liking his hands a lot, considering it’s one of the few places on his body that isn’t as affected by his quirk.

On his partner: Tits AND ass man, no doubt about it. He doesn’t need to pick, it just depends on where his hands are at the time. He’s very grabby.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

Dabi is 100% a disgusting man, he will cover his partner in his own cum and he will happily sit there with his partner’s cum covering him. Spilling out of any hole possible makes no difference to him and he’ll keep going no matter how ruined how any clothes, furniture, or sheets get.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He’d share his partner with other men in a heartbeat, but only for a one time thing. He can be possessive sometimes but he knows that they’ll come running back to him anyways. It’s more of showing off how hot they are and how slutty they are for him. It’s a point of pride.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

I feel like Dabi doesn’t really have much experience outside of porn and don’t expect him to have any good sex education either. He’ll get frustrated and pissy when they try to teach him anything or tell him he’s doing it wrong; it’s a hit to his ego.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying.)

Cowgirl, without a doubt. Him laying down, just admiring the view while they do all the work.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

He’s pretty selfish and focused on getting himself off so he’s very serious. He won’t appreciate any humor either, and if he’s pushed too far by his partner trying to make it humorous, he’ll just leave and get himself off.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Oh, his pubic hair is still white without a doubt. Has the cutest little happy trail leading up to his stomach too.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

He’s not much of a romantic at all, usually just focusing on the high tension and erotic mood more than anything. If his partner gets him in a submissive position, they’re more likely to make him more vulnerable but he usually keeps that hidden fairly well.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Does it quite often, not wanting to deal with the drama that can come with fucking someone. Usually accompanied by some random front page porn video.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Temperature Play

Choking

Exhibitionism

Marking

Corruption

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

He doesn’t have preference, anywhere is viable. Against a wall? Bent over a table? On a bed? On someone else’s bed? Shady alleyway? As long as he gets to come, he doesn’t care.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

He’s a simple man, it doesn’t take much. Wiggle some boobs in front of him, grope his cock through his pants, or whisper how badly you want him in his ear, make a motion with their hands and he is willing to fuck them where he’s standing.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Anything with feet, he’s not a fan.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

If he could have someone on their knees whenever he wanted to suck him off, he’d be in heaven. He’s pretty good at giving but he is definitely more skilled with his fingers. He enjoys giving it more than he lets on though.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Dabi doesn’t know how to take his time when he’s really worked up, and if he does it’s because he’s trying to let himself actually enjoy it. Like he’s afraid it’ll get taken away if he actually tries letting himself live in the moment. He usually goes hard and rough, chasing after the high.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Quickies are really fun for him, and definitely has a preference for them. He’s pretty selfish, not really caring too much if his partner finishes every time so he works for him to just pull them aside and do some shit quickly before he continues on with his day.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

What’s the fun if you don’t live on the edge? He’ll purposefully try to initiate sex in locations that can get them caught, or somewhere where they’ll be heard. Going a little hard into kinks, without playing carefully. He’s willing to try new things but he’d have to be told about it or randomly come across it. Unless the partner brings it up he probably will just spring it on them in the moment without asking.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

He doesn’t actually have a lot of stamina so he wouldn’t be able to go for multiple rounds. It would take him a decent amount of time to finish though, as he does have to focus more mentally to come.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Dabi doesn’t mind them every once in a while but don’t expect him to know the complicated shit. He also feels like if his partner uses sex toys a lot that means he’s in competition with it and that’s just not going to work.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He’ll tease the fuck out of his partner and make them beg especially if they’ve pissed him off recently. He’ll also tease them if he’s trying to initiate sex because it’s easier for him than just asking because well it’s their idea now.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Quiet grunts are all he would really do. Even if he’s more submissive, he’s pretty quiet. The only reason he’ll be loud is with dirty talk, and only for the intention of being heard.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

He’s not that sensitive, especially not his cock, so it takes more work than he’d like to get him off. It’s why he has to focus more mentally when he’s having sex or trying to get himself off.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

More thick than long and I can see him getting a jacob’s ladder piercing.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Pretty high, but has a decent control over it.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

If it’s not a quickie and he’s near a bed, he’ll clock out pretty fast. Hope his partner wasn’t expecting much from him.

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

If it’s with a stranger then he’s slipping out as soon as he’s able too. If it’s with a partner then he’s pretty good with aftercare and making sure that they’ve been taken care of. He’s quick with reassurance and soft touches if it’s something that they need.

B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

On himself: It’d be vain to say his face, but otherwise he is quite fond of his hands. The stealthy movements and tricks he pulls with them always draw people’s attention there after all.

On his partner: Their neck. Something about watching someone sweep hair out of the way from their neck or ask for someone to clasp a necklace around it. It’s horribly intimate and delicate.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He much prefers his partner’s cum dripping off of his face and god does he love it. The taste is something that he craves in a primal way.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Has definitely stolen underwear from his partner before, taking it out only when he can’t be near them.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Atsuhiro has a lot of experience. His partner never has to worry about him not knowing how to please them.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying.)

Face Sitting (or any position where he can give them oral) and the Dancer (because of how intimate it is).

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Atsuhiro is a firm believer in “If you can’t laugh during sex you’re doing it wrong” but he’ll try to keep the mood serious and romantic. His partner isn’t shy or unfamiliar with his showmanship showing up in the bedroom though.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

He keeps up with personal maintenance, so he’s well groomed. If he didn’t, and the hair got long enough it's definitely start getting curly.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Full romance, and if it wasn’t a spur of the moment decision Atsuhiro would go out of his way to put up candles and play music to set the mood. He’s making love, it’s what you do when you love your partner. That doesn’t mean you can’t make them whimper and scream though.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He’s not unfamiliar with it at all but he prefers his orgasms with a partner. If he can’t, for whatever reason, then he sees no issue with getting himself off. Vivid imagination, but has used pictures and videos as needed.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Roleplay

Blindfolds

Collars

Dom/Sub Dynamics

Cunnilingus

Rimming

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

Anywhere as long as it’s behind closed doors. The bed, the floor, against the wall, bent over something? He’s open to whatever the moment leads too.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Flirty banter! It’s a game and he lives for it. Suggestive comments and subtle touches get him wound up rather quickly.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Mutual Masturbation, because he just can’t keep his hands to himself. If his partner is in front of him, laying themselves bare for his viewing pleasure and he’s just expected to get himself off? Blasphemy.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Too damn good at giving it. It’s a talent really and a heavy preference. Not that he minds the favor being returned, especially if he can watch them struggle to swallow it all down, because they must not waste a drop.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Atsuhiro’s pretty flexible on his pacing with it depending on how events flow during the moment. He doesn’t have a big preference, wanting things to flow naturally.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

If he sees an opportunity for one, he’ll gladly take it but he doesn’t prefer them at all. He wants to take his time and enjoy it with his partner.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Atsuhiro is all about taking risks, wanting to experiment with various new ideas or toys. He likes risky set ups for foreplay, living for the thrill.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Can easily go for multiple rounds, easily. His speed when it comes to finishing is quicker than he wants to admit. He uses it as a compliment to his partner. He’ll be ready to go again soon, they don’t need to worry.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

They’re a great addition to spice things up but he doesn’t need them. He doesn’t mind some toys being used on him at all, letting his partner take the reins when they want too. He loves the attention being on him, there’s no denying that.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He has his moments of teasing, watching his partner squirm. And he definitely does it to get his partner to try and put him in his place. Brat tamers are just brats in control after all.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Sighs, moans, and soft grunts. Fairly average volume, as he has no problem showing his partner that he’s enjoying it.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Has definitely had at least one rich/famous person as a source of income with the offer of sex. Has definitely stolen from them countless times too.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Smaller than average but fully aware of how to use it.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Slightly above average, full control over it despite dialogue that would say otherwise.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Being familiar with constantly running away from his problems, he doesn’t fall asleep easily afterwards at all. The thrill and rush he gets from sex does the opposite for him.

#dabi #dabi x reader #mr compress #atsuhiro sako #mr compress x reader #atsuhiro sako x reader #bnha smut #curious little valentine

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actual-changeling · 2 months

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do not share/copy/repost my writing in any shape or form unless you have asked for my express permission.

There is something deeply uncomfortable about the insistence that Crowley is never actually upset or in distress and it's just one big "game" to them.

I'm sorry, but whatever dynamic you think they have is nothing but fabrication based on your personal idea of what Aziraphale is like.

Canonically, Aziraphale repeatedly and violently crosses boundaries Crowley does not even want him close to, let alone result in enjoyment for him when they do get ignored.

No, Crowley did NOT want to give Aziraphale his car.

He did not want to stay behind with Gabriel.

He did not think it funny or "cute" that Aziraphale not only ignored all of his concerns but invalidated his emotions every single time he tried to communicate them.

Aziraphale hurting Crowley is not fucking funny or part of some sex game you are convinced they're playing, it's a gross disregard for Crowley's needs and autonomy, and exactly the kind of shit people throw at abuse survivors whenever they try to talk about it.

"Oh, but they're just joking. Oh, but it's harmless. it's fun."

"No, that boy is not hitting you because he wants to hurt you, he loves you, stop complaining."

Before you pop some capillaries, not I am not saying Aziraphale is abusive. I am saying that his behaviour towards Crowley is very often hurtful and of selfish origin—aka it is all about what he himself wants, never about Crowley's needs.

Write fanfic and headcanons all you want, I don't care about that, but insisting that all the plain, factual evidence of Crowley's emotional states is actually one big game is disrespectful, disgusting, and distressingly common.

There are reasons for Crowley never getting much fun out of spending too much time with Aziraphale or sharing vulnerable experiences with him.

#alex talks good omens #good omens #crowley #aziraphale #good omens season 2 #go2 #aziracrow #crowley x aziraphale #ineffable husbands #ineffable wives #ineffable spouses #ineffable divorce #the final fifteen #let the fucking witch hunt begin i guess

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mayrarcjas · 7 months

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Mayra x Zack

located in the Community Center kitchen.

Zack Astor

-he walks into the kitchen, looking to drop off some venison he and David just caught; as he walks in, he catches sight of Mayra- Hey, you know where they store the meat?

mayra.

-without looking up from her work station, mayra nodded toward the back of the kitchen- There's a big chest freezer in the back you could fit it in. -finally she looked up to see zack. from years of experience, mayra managed to keep her composure.-

Zack Astor

Alright. -makes his way into the back to deposit the meat into the freezer-

mayra.

-from her peripheral, mayra watched zack haul the meat toward the back to the freezer. quietly she moved the cleaver closer, just in case. she'd seen the damage he'd done to isaac - mayra wasn't sure if he was above putting hands on a woman as well.- Thanks for the catch. -her voice stayed firm with the same gratefulness she threw to david and jake whenever they'd bring back hunted game.-

Zack Astor

You're welcome. -he responds, closing the freezer before making his way out from the back; as he steps out, he directs his glance at her- By the way. Just remembering - did the council talk to you yet?

mayra.

-she knew it was coming; zack seemed like the kind of person to try to poke any wound or sensitive topic whenever he damn well pleased. like a mean girl from high school wanting to stir shit up for the hell of it.- They did. -mayra kept her words clipped with ike's words spinning in her head to not confront zack. but if he confronted her ... that might've been a loophole-

Zack Astor

Oh really. What did they say? Humor me, Mayra.

mayra.

-finally she looked up at him, her disgust for the man clearly written in her expression.- I don't think I will.

Zack Astor

Ah. -he grins slightly- Must suck for the real world to hit you, huh? When you've been nothing but spoiled by everyone.

mayra.

-she nods at him, a sarcastic smirk growing- Sure.

Zack Astor

-he considers her for a moment before chuckling- Good. Now, I got places to be, princess. Tell Ike hi for me, will you?

mayra.

-she grips onto the cleaver handle, feeling her rage shake within her core.- On that note. -she threw the cleaver toward him, purposefully missing him but it piercing the dry wall.- If you have an issue with me, come take it up with me. Ike didn't deserve what you did to him. -she pulled the drawer open, pulling out another knife in case zack thought to get near her-

Zack Astor

he turns around, stepping to the side instinctively as she flings her knife; he raises an eyebrow at her- Eh, debatable. And I doubt I would've gotten through that thick skull of yours myself. -he grins- You don't seem like the type who understand that she's being a fucking dumbass.

mayra.

That goes to know you don't know shit.

Zack Astor

Oh really? Well I'll be damned. Guess sometimes you get the wrong impression of people. -he puts his hands in his pockets as he regards her- Do you regret any of it?

mayra.

Of course I do. -she answered truthfully, keeping the knife handle tightly fisted- I know I put this place at risk all because I was selfish. And I'll spend the rest of my time here trying to make it up to everyone whether they know about it or not. But hurting others because of my selfishness doesn't make sense. -mayra sighed- I know the answer to this already, but I'll ask anyway: If you have an issue with me, take it up with me, okay? Don't go beating on others to prove a point or whatever reason you had for beating the shit out of Ike. Despite whatever opinion you have of me, I'm not a porcelain doll. I can take it.

Zack Astor

Are you sure? Because when I was talking to Ike, he couldn't even be sure whether you were sorry or not. -he stares at her- Oh princess, don't get me wrong. I'd beat the fucking shit out of you if I thought it'd get me anywhere. This wasn't an act of consideration or something. I truly didn't think anything would get through to you. Considering how you didn't even have the damn balls to own up to anything. And Ike just took it, too. Whatever's going on between you - sounds like it fucking sucks.

mayra.

We didn't exactly have a lot of time to talk about it. -mayra scoffed, thankful she listened to her instincts in grabbing another knife- For the record, Ike told me to keep quiet. And maybe I was stupid to listen to him, but I did. But now the people who need to know, know. Now, can we move on from this? Or this something that you'll hold over my head? I promise I don't need a chaperone ... unless you're volunteering.

Zack Astor

That was pretty fucking stupid. -he scoffs- Of course he's gonna tell you to keep quiet. And that just so happens to be the one time you listen to him, isn't it? When not listening would have negative consequences for you. -he grins, tilting his head- He's babying you. They all are. I'm the one who's not.

mayra.

Fine. I'm spoiled - that's okay for you to think that. Just be the one to not baby me, to me, and leave others out of it.

Zack Astor

I'll do what I damn want. -he shrugs- If you regret it, work for it.

mayra.

Yeah, we both know that. -mayra rolled her eyes, letting out a soft breath. she said her peace and quickly grew tired of the conversation.- I'm going to continue preparing the town's soup. If you want to take first shift of chaperoning, you're welcome to help me. If not, you know where the door is. -she used the knife to point towards it.- Good talk.

Zack Astor

Watch your damn mouth. -he makes his way over to the cupboard to take out some peanut butter- Last time I checked, this wasn't your kitchen. So I'll take my time and make myself some food. Good talk.

mayra.

-mayra bit down the urge to say 'make me', knowing it would probably prompt something she promised to not get into. watching him grab the peanut better, she used the knife to point to the opposite counter.- There's freshly made bread over there if you want something with that. -there was no way mayra was going to have her back to zack and instead moved to the other side of her workstation, leaving the long table to separate them. she carefully placed the knife next to her, keeping it at an easy reach.-

Zack Astor

-he notices her switch in position and chuckles to himself before he casts a glance at the bread- Who made that?

mayra.

Ember and I had hands in it. Making bread is a bit of a process. -mayra ping ponged her gaze between zack and the potatoes she began to cut-

Zack Astor

-he looks at the bread before shaking his head- Nah. I don't trust your ass enough to not do something dumb and try to poison me. -he puts the peanut butter back and instead pulls out a can of canned goulash- You're into that witch crap, seems on brand for you.

mayra.

-she smiles at his comment, taking slight pride, and snickers- Please. -she stopped her movements, giving him a pointed looked- If I wanted to poison you, you’d be poisoned already. Something so obvious like me pointing out bread is a little on the nose. -she resumes her potato cutting-

Zack Astor

-he huffs, slightly amused- Yeah right. Look, when Nicki tells me that I'd be dead if she wanted, I'm gonna take that seriously. When you do it? Not so much. You probably haven't even killed a walker in your lifetime.

mayra.

You can believe whatever picture you’ve painted of me. I’m not going to stop you.

Zack Astor

I will, thank you. I usually found I'm a damn good judge of character. -he opens up the can, takes a spoon and begins eating his meal, deliberately taking his time-

mayra.

Mmm -she said nothing else but made a ‘sure, jan’ face- So, I take it you were military? Marines, maybe?

Zack Astor

I was. -despite his delibaretly slow pace, he's already halfway through the can; He looks up and narrows his eyes- Why do you wanna know?

mayra.

-she kept her gaze on the task at hand and shrugged- Genuinely curious. I heard you and Ermano go back. Is that true?

Zack Astor

We served together. -he seems a little bit weary of her questions- Until he joined the Black Ops at least.

mayra.

-her brows rose, not knowing that tid-bit of information about ermano- Black Ops? That's intense. -mayra placed her knife down, gathering the cut pieces of potato and placed them in the large metal bowl next to her- You didn't want to go with him or what that too much for you?

Zack Astor

-his eyes narrow and he puts the can down; he pushes himself away from the counter taking a few steps towards Mayra- What did I say about watching your mouth?

mayra.

-quickly the woman picked up the knife, holding it in front of herself- And people say I'm touchy. It was a simple question, there's no need to be defensive when I meant no malice. -mayra watched him carefully, narrowing her eyes at him- Why is that? Why are you so quick to be defensive? Again, a simple question meant with no ill intent behind it.

Zack Astor

-he grins, slightly amused- You're the who got the knife, princess. -he tilts his head slightly, returning her gaze, unwavering- You ain't my people, princess. Don't talk to me like you are. Now, can I get some damn salt for my food from the cupboard behind you, or are you gonna stab me for that?

mayra.

The knife is insurance. I saw Ike. You, yourself, said you had no problem beating my ass. If that happens, I'd like to at least go down swinging. -she lowered the knife and turned to get the salt from the cupboard. she placed it on the table between them- And I'm not talking to you like you're 'my people', I'm talking to you like you're a person.

Zack Astor

Is that how you talk to Ike too? -he chuckles- Damn, you must be the best fuck in the world or something, because I have no idea why else he's putting up with you.

mayra.

Not at all. -she shook her head, pinching her tongue between her teeth- Guess we'll never figure it out, huh. -mayra leans back against the counter behind her, arms folding across her chest and, yes, still holding the knife.-

Zack Astor

-he shrugs- Guess we won't. -he grabs the salt and returns to his food- If you wanna find out more about Ermano, go talk to him. Not me.

mayra.

I wasn't asking about Ermano, I was asking about you. -she stays where she was- Question was, why didn't you transfer with him to Black Ops? And then I asked if they were too much for you which prompted you to threaten me. -mayra shrugs- If you didn't want to answer, you could've just said so. -pushing off from the counter, mayra moved to the bowl, putting the remainder of the cut potatoes in it-

Zack Astor

No reason for you to know anything more, princess. And even less reason for me to tell you any more. -he goes back to eating, seemingly unbothered-

mayra.

So is this really you chaperoning me?

Zack Astor

Nope. Just eating my food. -he finishes it and leaves the empty can on the counter, alongside his dirty silverware as he makes for the exit- Good talk, princess. Seems like you haven't changed a bit. I was really hoping you might.

mayra.-she scoffed, following behind Zack, keeping a distance- You're lying to yourself if you think you're a good judge of character. But you do you, think whatever you wanna think. Have the day you deserve. -she flashed one more smile before slamming the door in his face, quickly locking it- Fucking dickhead.

@zackastor

#mayra ;; discord #discord threads ;; zack

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

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content warning for grooming and incest

i think my older brother was grooming me when i was younger

i apparently am not knowledgable about what grooming is, because ive described traumatic situations regarding other toxic/abusive people in my life without thinking they were groomers but the people ive been talking to about it told me that it was all grooming behavior, like showing me porn (sometimes literal csem) when they knew how young i was and telling me that i was special or something along those lines.

so about my older brother, there was definitely emotional incest happening but i dont know if thats the same thing as grooming. i remember him being really attached to me in a way that made me incredibly uncomfortable. my family in general has a codependency issue and i grew up thinking that feeling suffocated by them was symptomatic of my selfishness so i dismissed my feelings as just me being selfish.

my older brother dumped his emotional problems on me (we have a 5 yr age gap jsyk) and told me that i was the only person in the family that he could trust. i dont want to say "i took care of him" but i always protected him from my abusive father and i was afraid of making my brother upset in some way. not necessarily because i was "afraid" of him but because he pressured me to, with all the trauma dumping and stuff he was doing and telling me i was the only person he could rely on. so like id do his chores for him when he slept in or id cover his tracks whenever he did something stupid. all of this had my father call us twins and he compared our relationship to a married couple on tv.... it made me feel sick to say the least.

skip forward a few years and my brother started to fucking stalk me. i entered high school by the time he graduated and i guess because he couldnt watch me in person he resorted to texting people from my school on instagram and he asked them about me. btw he was creepy with them too, one of them was a friend of mine and you can guess what happened to our friendship. not only did he do this but he randomly accused me of whoring around and texting boys instead of texting *him* like i was cheating or something. and when he did that i was furious but i was like "omg i would never ignore you i promise im not talking to boys..." just so he could shut up. he continued accusing me of this btw and it made me feel disgusting.

i also have these other memories... theres the times he asked me to move in with him (keeping in mind his obsessive behavior towards me) and theres this other time he showed me a song he wrote with his friend that mentioned how good of a sister i was or whatever. i also have this random memory of him getting mad at me because i didnt want to sit on his lap.

writing all of this was triggering but its been on my mind. if youre curious about our relationship now i practically cut him off. i committed the crime of calling out his toxic behavior and ever since then hes been aggressive towards me and talking constant shit about me to his equally as disgusting wife. hes always been obsessed with me and behaving in strange ways but i wonder if it was more than emotional incest... like grooming. what he'd groom me for i dont know but its like he wanted to be the only boy in my life, like he wanted to be my boyfriend. for a very long time i thought i was being selfish for finding him uncomfortable but now that im a little older and able to articulate my feelings better he was and still is a clearly abusive person. btw if any of this sounds familiar its because i sent anons to agirldying before, im just summarizing all of this again and adding new info so i can give valid reasons for why i believe he might have been grooming me since i was 10 to age 16.

Hi 💔,

I'm (again) so sorry about what you've been going through.

I'm honestly not too sure where the line is between grooming and emotional incest but I can definitely see how there could be some overlap, or how emotional incest could be a foot in the door to grooming, or vice versa. I know a lot of people tend to think that grooming can only be done by adults, I know even just by experience that kids can do it too, though unfortunately there's very little out there explaining it in that context.

Although it's about adult relationships, I still found this article that April wrote helpful in context of my COCSA, so I'm wondering if this could be helpful for you as well. It essentially spells out each step of grooming: targeting the victim, gaining trust, filling a need, isolation, abuse, and maintaining the relationship. You may be able to identify how your experience aligns with that structure.

I also just want to say, you don't have to explain yourself, you know? This string of traumatic experiences are distressing for you, and while it's perfectly okay to talk about it as much as you want, I think it's also important to acknowledge how much space you're allowing your trauma to take up. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. We believe you, no matter how much or how little you explain what happened.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #💔#tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw csem #tw SA #tw CSA #tw emotional abuse #tw cocsa #trauma details

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entangledptsd · 2 months

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fun things i am dealing with rn

- adjusting to my arm being in constant burning and/or stabbing pain and weaker than normal, having to not use it (feelings of low self-worth and guilt for not being productive enough, i wanna take care of my gf goddammit)

- my whole sex deal from the very beginning (scared to make noise, scared of being touched, scared of feeling pleasure, automatically shutting down all arousal whenever it surfaces re: mormon brainwashing, scared to ask for help with anything because what if someone uses that as an excuse to violate me, scared to speak up when something's wrong for fear of upsetting whoever's violating me. laying on my back is a trigger. traumatic amnesia's a bitch. the little i do remember is staring up at the bathroom lights wishing for my clothes while my own biomom made me bleed in sensitive private places with her cruel hands, and that's my earliest memory. that was my introduction to my body. guilt, shame, fear, disgust, body horror, avoidance)

- attachment issues (scared to let anyone get close because to me closeness means being violated, constant masking, last night i mentioned that i need to get my birth control this weekend and my gf gave me the mildly exasperated Look she usually gives me when i've forgotten something important and i thought she was mad and wanted to just disappear so i got out the creamed corn because she likes it and i'm. i'm not afraid of her, i'm afraid of causing anger or disappointment. i know she's not going to hurt me or give me the silent treatment or manipulate me or anything, it's just that my brain and body still haven't quite caught up with time or circumstances)

- my whole sex deal from more recent things (after a guy i liked tore out my heart and danced a jig on it with his stupid soccer cleats i went into a new stage of dissociation because he was my first real foray into sex and i caught feelings and everything went to shit in more ways than i can count. my ex was a form of self-harm and a numbing method, between all the sex i really didn't want but agreed to anyway and the copious amounts of liquor every night and the way i told him about my most fucked up self-hating trauma kinks because i felt like i deserved to be treated like i was subhuman on account of how that's the way i grew up and also the fact that i was knowingly exposing myself to HIV without protection, still in shock the tests came back negative on that last one and more than once i've woken up in a cold sweat to recheck those tests)

- feeling like i'm not allowed to have anything i want unless i pay through the nose for it and like i'm inherently fucking awful (i was raised as a slave, therapist, housemaid, nanny, and caretaker, taught over and over again that i was just there to make others' lives easier, told i was abusing the adults around me anytime i dared to act like a child or be inconvenient. literally was called "slave" in Spanish with a side of mocking laughter for years by the woman who birthed me. the message that i was less than nothing and meant only to satisfy the needs of other people got hammered into me more times than i will ever fully remember. my instincts to protect myself and take care of my needs got shot right through so i'm trying to resurrect them i guess. i was told that i was insensitive and selfish and had too much self-esteem for needing space from my siblings, for having my own personality, for ever saying "no," for feeling any emotions of my own, for expressing myself honestly, for wanting to play with friends of my own. the rest of the mindfuck came when she started acting like she cared to get me to open up and then used what she got out of me to hurt me and others. the whole "some people are born evil" philosophy she had going on that she took out on me. this was exacerbated severely by the whole jail/homelessness ordeal more recently)

- religious trauma (that's a longer list than i can even begin to understand still, but it's showing in my pagan practice the way i fear being a burden or an inconvenience to my gods. i've also been unraveling the new age and mormon philosophies lately and finding them mostly the same, which worries me. no i did not ask to be abused before i came into this life, i do not have to forgive anyone ever at all besides myself in order to heal, i deserve to be loved even if i don't know how to fully love myself, fuck)

#yeah fun #idk man i just need to get this out of me so i'm putting it on the internet ig #too many things floating around my head and at least i don't want to die anymore so that's nice but this shit still hurts

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floresmarique · 3 years

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Here is a lil Daniel one shot for all my LaRusso girls ♡

SECRET CRUSH(DANIEL LARUSSO X FEM!READER)

Plot; You are one of Ali's best friends, hiding a secret: having a big crush on Daniel, the one boy she is dating. But what will happen when Daniel asks you to help him with Ali?

WARNING: A tiny bit of a smutty situation.

Tags; 'cheating' in a certain sense, dry humping, Daniel being VERY bold, seductive reader, some angst, fluff.

Also, they are still in high school just for the sake of the plot.

Enjoy!

There he was again, Daniel LaRusso.

He was talking to Ali, as always. She was laughing, resting her back against the school's wall. Daniel had one arm beside her head, the other hand was on his hip and he had a cheeky grin plastered on his face.

And then there was (Y/N).

She was admiring the scene from afar, a sad sigh leaving her mouth while she held her books tight to her chest. Since she saw Daniel that first day on the beach, she couldn't take her eyes off of him. She thought he looked so gorgeous with those dark locks of his and his chestnut eyes. His skin looked tanned and his body was slim, more skinny than muscular.

But, of course, he had his eyes for Ali since the beginning. (Y/N) wasn't surprised about it but she was dying of jealousy. She wasn't the classic ugly duck best friend, in fact, (Y/N) was considered one of the hottest girls at school along with Ali. A lot of boys desired her and before Johnny Lawrence even got with Ali, he first flirted with (Y/N) but she always refused him so Ali was kinda the second option.

(Y/N) didn't feel insecure about herself because she had a very high self-esteem. She always took care of herself, always had a good smell and beautiful soft hair and her body always turned a lot of heads. She had an amazing sense of style, even better than Ali if you asked her.

But (Y/N) wasn't just looks; she had a beautiful personality too, always sweet and humble. She never liked to get involved in drama, it was a waste of time in her opinion. Her sense of humour always cracked up even the most silent kid. She also had a very sassy attitude and wasn't scared to bite if someone tried to provoke her or the people she cared about since she was very protective and people knew that it was better not to mess with her.

"Ali, we should get to class." After stopping envying her best friend's relationship with Daniel, (Y/N) finally walked towards the both of them and said the first thing to make them separate. She knew that their relationship still would exist but she felt an aching pain in her chest whenever she saw them talking and laughing together.

Ali sighed and nodded, kissing Daniel's cheek and then whispered something in his ear that made him smirk.

Was it something dirty? (Y/N) was dying to know but at the same time she preferred to not know anything about their intimate life. Ali never talked to her about it, maybe they were still taking time to not rush anything or she was just shy about it but (Y/N) knew that one day they would have done something together and the thought of it made her sick to her stomach.

Daniel gazed at (Y/N) and gave her his usual friendly smile. He was wearing a tartan button up shirt and some high waisted black jeans. He had gotten taller since the last year, when her and Ali first met him, but his voice stayed the same. (Y/N) noticed that many times Daniel checked her out and it even happened on their first encounter at the beach but she thought that it was something unintentional that every guy did.

"Wait!" Daniel exclaimed before the two friends could walk away. "(Y/N), can i talk to you for a moment?"

(Y/N) felt butterflies in her stomach at his request. He never asked her something and their conversations were very minimal and mostly about Ali. (Y/N) nodded while her friend furrowed her eyebrows, confused, but then she smiled and waved at them.

"I'm going to class, see you later (Y/N)!" She said and, before completely walking away, she sent Daniel a kiss that he fake caught with his hand, sending her a big grin.

"So what is it?" (Y/N) tried to hide her excitment and the blush that was starting to form on her cheeks. Daniel took her hand so that they could go somewhere a little more private. (Y/N) heated even more up at his physical contact and gulped, she felt the warmth of his hand and felt his long and slim fingers around her palm.

"Okay!" He said once they reached a column and went behind it. "You are the only person that can help me right now."

(Y/N) smiled, hoping to hear Daniel say something that completely involved just her and him. She was tapping the edges of her books with her fingertips, obviously feeling very nervous.

But her hope and smile vanished when he finally spoke.

"Soon it's gonna be Ali's birthday..." He started and (Y/N) contained her delusion and sighs of vanished hope to herself, listening to him. What was she expecting? Of course it was about Ali, like always. He always chose (Y/N) when he needed to do something for Ali because she was her closest friend and knew her better than the others. "I want to organize a fun party for her and i also don't know what gift should i give her-"

"Ali doesn't want a big party this year." (Y/N) cutted him off. "She told me that she's tired of big parties, so don't bother."

(Y/N) sounded more acid than she intended to be, but it wasn't her fault. It was the jealousy that made her like that.

"Oh..." Daniel looked confused and thought about it for a second before nodding. "Okay, well, can you help me with the gift? Maybe we could go shopping together this evening if it's okay with you. I'm really desperate, i don't know what to give her! She literally has everything!"

(Y/N)'s eyes sparkled at his words.

He was basically telling her to hang out with him that night to find a gift for Ali.

Hanging out together.

(Y/N) didn't even thought about it for a second, she couldn't miss that opportunity. Spending an evening with him was something she always desired, even if it was just for Ali. She was hoping to get to know him better, to talk about their interests and maybe to find some things in common.

She couldn't say no.

"Yeah, sounds fine to me." She nonchalantly nodded, making it look like it wasn't that big of a deal but inside she was squealing. "I'll meet you at 6:00 pm at the mall, alright?"

"Yeah!" He smiled. "6:00 pm at the mall, captain!"

He walked away and turned around to wink at her and (Y/N)'s heart skipped a beat at his action. She stood still behind the column and softly smiled to herself, already thinking of an outfit for the evening. Once she reached her class 5 minutes late, she sat next to Ali like always and tried to act as if nothing happened.

"Pst!" Ali whispered and nudged her elbow, stopping (Y/N) from taking notes on her notebook. "What did Daniel want?"

(Y/N) couldn't tell her about what happened because it was also about her birthday, so she shrugged and kept writing notes.

"Nothing much, he just needed an help with a math exercise."

Ali looked a little hesitant at first and narrowed her eyes, but then believed her because she knew that (Y/N) was very good in every subject while Daniel not so much. Many minutes passed since the last words the two friends exchanged and (Y/N) suddenly saw a little folded piece of paper fall on her notebook. She furrowed her eyebrows and opened it, reading the message inside.

'Are you coming to my house this evening?'

-Johnny.

"I think that's for me!" Ali silently giggled and took the piece of paper from (Y/N)'s hands, letting out a soft laugh after reading it. She then wrote a simple 'yes' on the same paper and throwed it back to Johnny, grinning while doing so, leaving (Y/N) in pure shock as she watched the full scene.

"What are you doing?" She whisper-yelled to Ali. "I thought you never wanted to talk to Johnny again."

"Chill out, (Y/N)!" The blonde said and turned the page of her book. "We are just friends now."

"He invited you to his house, do you really think that he has friendly intentions with you?"

(Y/N) saw the teacher's glare on her and wrote no sense words on her notebook just to not be yelled at. Ali rolled her eyes and didn't look at her, making (Y/N) even more mad. She couldn't believe it and all that she was thinking about was Daniel.

"What about Daniel? Are you gonna tell him that you are paying a visit to your ex boyfriend's house?" (Y/N) spoke with a sarcastic tone and Ali scoffed.

"I know what i'm doing, it's not like i'm cheating on him." (Y/N) shook her head in disappointment, rage building up inside of her. Daniel didn't deserve that. "Mind your own business."

"You are aware of the fact that Johnny literally beated up Daniel last year or you forgot about it?" (Y/N) raised her eyebrow and Ali was red in the face, she was aware of the fact that she was doing the wrong thing.

"Johnny changed, i just want to talk to him." Before (Y/N) could respond, Ali quickly cutted her off. "Mind your own business."

After that, the bell rang and (Y/N) immediately stood up without saying another word to Ali and, once she reached the door, she saw Johnny leaning over Ali's chair, and all she did was giggle. (Y/N) made an expression of disgust and left the class, facing the day like she always did but while staying away from her best friend.

She saw Daniel and Ali walking home together at the end of school and she observed the way he wrapped one of his arms around Ali's waist so that she could be closer to him. (Y/N) hopped on her bike and during the ride she thought about her meeting with Daniel.

Knowing what Ali was doing, (Y/N) decided to play dirty too and to be selfish for once. She smirked while she rode her bike, her hair moved smoothly in the wind and she was more confident than ever in that moment because she knew what to do.

She was going to seduce Daniel.

Grinning to herself, she reached her house and prepared everything for the evening that she dreamed for a whole year. After lunch, she took a shower and made sure to use her favourite body lotion after getting out, the one that smelt like vanilla and coconut. She wrapped her wet locks around some rollers to get bouncy curls and while waiting, she started to look for the perfect outfit.

She played some music on her radio while she searched for the clothes she needed in her wardrobe and 'Cruel Summer' started echoing in the room. (Y/N) sang the words to the song and after awhile, she smirked when she placed her eyes on a beautiful red mini dress. It was tight, with thin straps and of a bright red. It didn't look too fancy, it looked classy but casual, perfect for the situation.

To match her nails with her dress, (Y/N) painted them of red and did a simple makeup to emphasize her lips so that they would have looked more kissable to seduce Daniel better. She chose a deeper shade of red for her lips and when she noticed that it was already 5:00 pm, she started getting dressed.

Once she slipped in her mini dress, (Y/N) decided to wear some black shoes with a short heel and a strap that wrapped around her ankles. She removed the rollers from her hair and styled them better with a brush. She was satisfied with how her hair turned out; bouncy, shiny and voluminous.

(Y/N) looked at her figure in the mirror and added the last touches to her look, spraying a little bit of perfume and putting on a denim jacket on her shoulders. She felt confident and smiled at her reflection proudly before leaving the house to go to the mall. She got there 10 minutes late because she walked slowly to get there, but she did it on purpose because she wanted to be waited.

When (Y/N) finally arrived, she immediately saw Daniel sitting on a bench at the center of the mall. She noticed that he had changed his clothes too but they still looked pretty casual. When she started walking towards him, Daniel stood up and checked her out, his mouth was hanging slightly open at the sight of her.

"Did you have to wait long?" (Y/N) gave him her charming smile and Daniel shook his head to reassure her but his eyes never left her body.

"No, i came here like 2 minutes ago." He nodded, but he was lying. He was there since 6:00 pm as she told him, but he couldn't be mad when she looked like that. "You look uh- very fancy."

"What are you talking about?" (Y/N) laughed. "This is my casual look."

"Well, i'm not complaining."

After his answer, (Y/N) felt even more confident than before.

This is gonna be easy. She thought to herself.

They started to walk side by side and all Daniel could hear was the click (Y/N)'s heels made after every track and he couldn't stop staring at her figure while she talked about some of Ali's favourites shops. He stared at her profile, at how her hair bounced when she walked, at her red plump lips and he felt guilty about it even tho he never denied that she was a beautiful girl.

She just looked even more beautiful in that moment and Daniel tried to distract himself from looking too much at her, but (Y/N) already knew what he was doing and contained her grin.

"She buys a lot of clothes at GadZooks" (Y/N) said and stopped walking when they reached the mentioned shop.

"I don't know, she always buys clothes... i want to give her something that she still doesn't have."

(Y/N) thought for a moment and then she turned to look at Daniel.

"You know, she talked to me about wanting some earrings..." She smirked. "What is your budget?"

"I have 50$ with me."

"That's enough, c'mon!" She purposely took his hand and sent him another smile before walking again. "I know exactly where to go!"

Daniel ended up buying some cute silver earrings for Ali and wrote her a little letter that he inserted inside the box. (Y/N) felt jealous again, especially thinking about the fact that while he was there to buy her a gift, Ali was at Johnny's house doing god knows what. (Y/N) tried to kick her thoughts out of her head because she had to focus on her goal.

"I'm sure she's gonna love them." She told Daniel after they came out from the shop. He nodded to himself and then smiled at her. "Yeah but i think i'm gonna give you some credits too on the letter."

(Y/N) slightly blushed at his comment but tried to act cool.

"Don't you think she will be jealous knowing that we spent the evening together?" (Y/N) raised an eyebrow and smirked. Daniel laughed and shrugged.

"It was for a good reason, she would never have these beautiful pair of earrings if we didn't!"

"Sounds legit!" (Y/N) laughed and before she could say something else, Daniel spoke first.

"Are you hungry? We could eat something at that bar right there, an ice cream maybe?"

(Y/N) was surprised at his question but nodded anyway and soon after that, they entered the bar where (Y/N) sat on a high stool while she observed Daniel.

"So for me a medium size chocolate ice cream with sprinkles on it..." He said to the lady behind the counter and then glanced at (Y/N) "what about you, cherry?"

The nickname took her off guard but his wink after made her cheeks flush. She cleared her throat and fixed her hair a bit before answering.

"A medium size strawberry ice cream with lots of whipped cream..." She smirked and kept talking. "And if it's possible, a little cherry on top."

Daniel chuckled while (Y/N) rested her head on her hand, admiring how perfect he looked in that exact moment. She noticed that his arms weren't as skinny as last year and she supposed that he was building up a little bit of muscles because of Karate. Daniel noticed her staring at him so he grinned a bit before snapping her out of the thoughts she was having about him.

"I think they have cherries- oh here they are!" He took both of the ice creams from the lady's hands and handed the strawberry one to (Y/N) so that he could pay for the both of them. It felt like a date and (Y/N) wasn't mad about it for sure.

Daniel sat on the stool right in front of (Y/N) and smiled at her when she took the petiole of the cherry with two of her fingers.

"Why that nickname?" She asked him and Daniel softly laughed.

"You remind me of a cherry tonight, with all that red on you." He licked some of his ice cream and (Y/N) nodded, taking it as a compliment.

"Well, do you like cherries?" She asked, her tone was seductive while she crossed her legs, discovering her thighs more. Daniel eyed her up and down and blushed a little before nodding.

"Yes, very much."

"You know, i can make a knot with the petiole of the cherry..."

Daniel widened his eyes at her words, not even knowing about that kind of talent.

"I want to see it to believe it!" He chuckled and moved closer to her with his stool, making (Y/N) giggle.

"Ok, watch." (Y/N) snatched the petiole off the cherry and inserted it into her mouth without breaking eye contact with Daniel. The dark haired boy observed her tongue movements and watched carefully, astonished by the way she slowly moved the tip of her tongue to interwine the edges of the petiole.

Her gestures also made him think dirty things that he just couldn't help. Her lips looked so good half opened and the inside of her mouth looked so inviting. Daniel didn't even feel guilty anymore, he felt like there was only (Y/N) there with him and Ali wasn't even running through his mind in that moment.

(Y/N) smiled and pulled her tongue out to show him a perfectly tight knot on the center of the petiole that Daniel observed fascinated.

"Woah" He stared at her eyes while she reached for the petiole with her fingertips to hold it in the air. "That's a big talent you have there!"

(Y/N) bit the cherry and left another equal piece for Daniel, so she bent forward and grinned at him. She also noticed that he had a little bit of ice cream on top of his lip and cleaned it off with one finger that she later licked while staring in his brown eyes. Daniel instantly tensed up, he felt his jeans tighten but tried to play it cool while eating the piece of cherry that she gave to him.

"You like it?" She asked, her voice full of mischief.

"Even more than the other cherries i ate in my life, i wonder why..."

They both bursted in a loud laugh and finished their ice creams, chatting a bit about their interests as (Y/N) hoped. He talked about how Mr. Miyagi trained him and was very euphoric while doing so, which made (Y/N) giggle.

"I saw you at the tournament." (Y/N) said and gave him a sweet smile. "I thought that the kick in the face that you gave to Johnny was amazing."

Daniel's expression softened and he blushed before smirking at her once more.

"I could teach you one day."

(Y/N) chuckled, giving him a slight slap on the shoulder.

"No but i'm serious!" He took her wrist, not harshly but enough to stop (Y/N)'s hand from slapping his shoulder. They both stared into each other's eyes and for a moment there was silence. Daniel slowly removed his hand from (Y/N)'s wrist and then proceeded to talk but with a slightly deeper voice. "I'd gladly teach you."

(Y/N) nodded, feeling her heart beat faster. She felt the whole zoo in her stomach, not just butterflies, and her cheeks were heating up.

"I'd gladly let you be my Sensei."

It was already 8:00 pm when they got out from the bar. They talked so much that time flied but Daniel didn't want to tell her goodbye yet so he took her hand and leaded her out of the mall.

"Where are we going?" (Y/N) giggled and followed him without hesitation.

"To the Arcade!" Daniel excitedly exclaimed, never leaving her hand. "We can be there in like 10 minutes if we run!"

"But Daniel, i have heels on!"

Daniel stopped in his tracks and looked at her, a big grin formed on his mouth.

"Not an obstacle for me!" Before (Y/N) could open her mouth to say something, he picked her up bridal style and (Y/N) instinctively wrapped her arms around his neck. Daniel started running, holding her carefully and tight to his chest while crossing the road.

"Danny you're crazy!" (Y/N) squealed and hid her head in the crook of his neck. Daniel laughed and smirked at the nickname, her perfume invaded his nostrils and it only made him want to hold her even tighter to him and so he did. (Y/N) felt good in his arms, she was where she always wanted to be and found the crook of his neck to be comforting, she inhaled the smell of his skin and softly smiled, leaving a light peck there that didn't go unnoticed by Daniel.

After arriving to the Arcade, Daniel put her back on the ground and laughed. (Y/N) fixed her hair and her jacket with a big smile on her face.

"Are you ok?" He asked, a little bit concerned since he didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable.

"Yes, that was amazing! You are insane, LaRusso."

"I think i have a preference for Danny."

(Y/N) blushed and walked with him inside the Arcade. He searched for her hand while looking forward and she pleasantly took it, noticing how Daniel smiled as she did so.

"What do you want to do first?" Daniel asked her and she thought about it for some seconds before giving her answer.

"What about air hockey?"

"Sounds great, but i gotta warn you first; i'm the champion of air hockey!"

(Y/N) rolled her eyes, giving him a challenging glance.

"We'll see about that!"

They played two matches at air hockey and (Y/N) won both times. She couldn't stop her laughter because of Daniel's disappointed expression, everytime she tried to look at his face she bursted out in a laugh that made her tear up and Daniel kinda kept that expression on purpose to make her laugh. He liked the sound of her laugh because it sounded like a melody to his ears.

"Please stop making that face!" She squealed, hitting Daniel's shoulder to make him laugh too.

"You are just so cute when you laugh..." He told her with a wide smirk. She covered her face with her hands and kept giggling before taking his hand again.

"Let's play golf!" (Y/N) exclaimed, leading Daniel to the golf spot. She saw him smirking again and rolled her eyes. "What? Are you a champion of golf too?"

Daniel gasped, putting his hand on his chest acting like he was deeply hurted.

"Jesus, (Y/N), there's no need to burn me like that!"

They both chuckled in unison and started playing but (Y/N) was having some trouble with her golf bat. She looked frustrated, losing against Daniel. The boy was amused by the sight of her and found her little pout adorable, but decided to give her an hand anyway.

"Look-" Daniel positioned his body behind (Y/N)'s back and covered her arms with his longer ones, helping her move the bat in the right way. (Y/N) could feel his breath against her hair, their faces were so close that she could see some little brown freckles at the top of his nose. They were so small that they could only be seen if someone stood that close to him. She admired his profile, his focused gaze on the hole that he had to center with the little white ball. "And just like that..."

Daniel whispered, making (Y/N) shiver. She was sure that he could hear her beating heart even over the loud music that was playing in the local. The girl looked down, placing her eyes on Daniel's hands that were covering her smaller ones. She gulped when he slightly moved both of their arms in a syncrhonized way so that he could perfectly hit the ball, making it fall into the hole.

"Thanks..." Her voice was lower than before and Daniel could see her red cheeks standing so close to her. He looked at her jawline, then his eyes fell on her displayed neck and he lightly bit his lip. Daniel slowly moved his hands to her hips while (Y/N) still held the bat with her hands and didn't move a bit when she felt his hands on her.

"No problem, let's see if you understood now."

(Y/N) didn't look at him but she knew that he had a smirk plastered on his face after saying those words. She took another ball and placed it on the ground, narrowing her eyes to focus better on her goal. Daniel's fingertips were pressed deeper on her hips but (Y/N) tried to not distract herself, moving the bat like he showed her. When the ball ended up in the hole, (Y/N) proudly smiled to herself before suddenly tripping against Daniel's chest. Daniel was quick to catch her, holding her tight to his body.

"I'm sorry..." She shyly said, meeting Daniel's eyes that looked more dilatated than before. They both remained in that position, looking into each other's eyes. Daniel gave her a flirty grin, never leaving her hips.

"I'm not." And just like that, he kissed her. Daniel LaRusso, the boyfriend of (Y/N)'s best friend, kissed her before she could even realize it. (Y/N) immediately closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation of his plump lips on her ones, something she always dreamed of at night. Daniel's grip on her tightened and he felt things that he never felt before, not even with Ali.

After the kiss, they both shared a look that said it all; they wanted each other. Daniel took her hand, not even bothering to fix the golf bats, and found with her an hidden spot outside of the Arcade. The streets were dark and they stopped in a spot where the music that was playing in the Arcade sounded a lot lower and Daniel didn't waste any time once he had her all to himself, attacking her lips with ardor while blocking her body between him and the wall.

Her head was spinning at the mix of sensations she was feeling, she felt heated up and her heart was throbbing. Daniel's hands reached for her ass during the intense make out session, squeezing it harshly. (Y/N) panted at the gesture and held his neck to get him even closer to her body. She still felt like she was in a dream and, if it was, she never wanted to wake up again. A light smirk appeared on her lips when Daniel's erection pressed against her.

"You make me crazy..." He whispered, never leaving her lips. Daniel looked hungry, hungry for her. He left little pecks on her cheek and jawline before stopping on her neck, where he started biting her sweet spot there.

"Daniel-" (Y/N) whimpered, making him smirk against her neck. He cupped her face, devouring her lips again while she gripped his shirt and caressed his back. Daniel slowly started to rub against her body and (Y/N) only encouraged him by following his movements. "I've always wanted you..."

"Look what are you making me do, fuck." He kissed her forehead, breathing heavily on her face. "This is what you want? This is why you showed up looking like this, uh?"

(Y/N) bit his neck, making him groan before shaking her head.

"No, i want more."

Daniel stopped for a moment, searching for her eyes just to understand what she meant. He saw desire in them once he looked at her but also desperation and love. He never saw her with that look in her eyes before and stayed silent, not knowing what to say. Her red lipstick was all smeared on her chin and he was sure he had some of it on his mouth too. When he placed an hand on her cheek, (Y/N) touched it with her fingertips and kept it there, never breaking eye contact with him.

"How long?" He asked, still shocked.

(Y/N) inhaled some air before answering and closed her eyes for a second, opening them again with wet pupils.

"Since the first day." Her voice was shaking. They both didn't know what to say or do, the sound of the music and of the cars filled their ears. Daniel opened his mouth to say something, but then he stopped himself. (Y/N) looked down, her chin was trembling and she just couldn't control herself anymore, so she started crying. She cried several times alone in her room for Daniel, but telling him about her feelings after so long and seeing that he didn't know what to say, made all her dreams fall apart.

(Y/N) turned her back to him so that he couldn't see her tears, but he for sure could hear her crying. Daniel closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair, not knowing how to react. He was clueless about everything and she never gave him signals, till that night. However, before placing his eyes on Ali that day on the beach, he was eyeing (Y/N) kissed by the sun, layed down on her towel. She slightly lowered her sunglasses to glance at Daniel and was the first girl of the group that smiled at him.

Daniel looked at (Y/N)'s back and as the time passed, he asked himself why he chose Ali. Yes, she was pretty, but (Y/N) was a beauty that he never saw before. He remembered her sly smile at the beach and even the way her legs shined in the sun, or how he desired to caress her hair because they looked so soft.

Daniel was dating the wrong girl and he only understood that thanks to that evening spent with (Y/N). He realized that he never had something really in common with Ali and she wasn't even a devoted lover like he wanted. Conversations with Ali were superficial and mostly about the things she liked. With (Y/N) time flied away and he had the most fun night in his life with her. She listened to him, she acted like his girlfriend even tho she wasn't.

And the butterflies he felt everytime he looked at her explained everything that he needed to know.

"Shit!" Daniel suddenly cursed under his breath, making (Y/N) turn her head to look at him while quickly wiping her tears away. "I think i forgot the bag with the gift at the Arcade."

(Y/N)'s heart broke even more at his words. He was still thinking about Ali in that situation. (Y/N) felt stupid and also angry. She was mentally telling herself that she needed to forget Daniel and move on, but she knew that it was going to be hard.

"I'm gonna take it back-" Daniel nervously spoke. "You- stay here. Just stay here, okay?"

(Y/N) furrowed her eyebrows at him and then only nodded, without saying a word. She watched Daniel walk away, turning the corner to reach the Arcade again. She sighed and crossed her arms to her chest, tapping her feet on the floor. The wind hit her face and she felt some of her tears drying up on her cheeks. All she could think about was Daniel kissing her, his hands, his body, his everything.

Ishould've stayed silent. She whispered to herself and rested her head against the wall, closing her eyes for some minutes before she heard some steps getting closer to her. Opening her eyes, she saw Daniel again with the bag in his hand.

"Can we go no-" Daniel ushed her, placing one of his fingers on her lips.

"I think that these will look better on you..." He softly spoke while taking out the box with the earrings from the bag. (Y/N) was beyond shocked and turned her head away, but Daniel gently took her cheek to make her look at him again. "Let me put them on you."

"Daniel what-"

"Please just let me do it."

(Y/N) sighed and stood still infront of him. He moved one strand of her hair behind her ear and clasped the first earring to her lobe, then did the same thing to the other ear. He backed away a little to admire her better and smirked at the view.

"I knew it." He proudly said, more to himself than to (Y/N). She still had her arms crossed and another warm tear was sliding down her cheek. Daniel noticed it and wiped it away with his finger, hugging her tightly and resting his chin on the top of her head. (Y/N) wrapped her arms around his back and cried into his chest while Daniel caressed her soft locks and kissed her forehead, reassurring her.

When she stopped crying, he cupped her face with his hands and cleaned her up from her tears and smeared lipstick.

"I look like a mess-" she softly chuckled.

"No, you still look beautiful." He gave her a short peck on the lips and smiled. "Should we go?"

When she nodded, Daniel wrapped one arm around her shoulders and walked with her in the dark streets illuminated by the moon light. She looked down and rested her head on his shoulder, feeling protected for the first time in her life. Daniel held her tight and squeezed her shoulder before speaking.

"So when do you want me to teach you some Karate?"

#cobra kai #karate kid #80s #daniel larusso #one shot #ralph macchio #smut #angst #fluff #daniel larusso smut

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wolfish-trickster · 3 years

Text

Young Oak Sapling

Part 2 to this (I seriously need to stop writing accidental multichapter fics...)

Loki x female!reader

Word count: 1,7K

Warnings: typos (as always), angst, fluff (it's there, I promise!)

Tag list: @gaitwae @lucywrites02 @hard-to-be-the-bard @birdgirl90 @laramoonworld @forevernthensome @kozkaboi

A/N: this is really messy, i'm sorry

'You have always been like a little sister I always wanted. I'm so sorry, we can still be friends'

For some unknown reason he kept having dreams about that one evening. 'Dreams,' he would scoff, 'more like nightmares.' They always end horribly. Either with you never talking to him again out of shame or him delivering those lines not so gently.

Loki couldn't understand why he kept dreaming about it. About her. How the light in her eyes slowly died when he told her. He told her the truth, right? It was the right thing to do, right?

She was hanging out with that soldier again. Loki's mouth twisted into disgusted grimace when he spot how he put his arm around her shoulders, how she held the single dandelion he gave her. A dandelion? Please, he couldn't really fall that low to give a lady some common weed, could he? A lady with such charm and class like Y/N deserves a dozen roses for every day she blessed this world with her smile and laugh.

Loki's eyes widened. Why was he thinking of her like that so suddenly? He never thought of her like that before. No. She's just a friend. Like his little sister. That's what he told her. She believed him. Now he has to believe it himself.

Sudden rain drove Loki away from his new favourite sitting spot in the corner of the garden. The oak stump. If only he kept a part of the tree. A twig or a leaf. He would've carried it around like a talisman. Or acorn, so he could grow another oak, even though it wouldn't be the same one.

His mind was on autopilot, he didn't even realize his legs carried him to your bedroom door. He stood there like a statue. Listening for any sounds. For any voices. He heard nothing. You must be somewhere else. That realization made him even more anxious. You could be with that soldier again. He can't have that.

He walked to only place he could always find you: library. As he wanted to open the heavy door you ran into him, colliding into his chest.

"Sorry-" your relax expression changed when you looked up into his eyes

"Hi," he smiled softly.

"Hello," you greeted, but without a smile. You tried to walk by him when he stopped you with his hand on your shoulder.

"Why are you running away from me?"

"I'm not. It's just.... this," you gestured between him and you, "it's awkward."

"Oh, so you avoid me, your oldest friend, and spend your entire day with Hofferson then," Loki crossed his arms on his chest.

"Aren't you supposed to be on a date or something?" you pushed yourself pass him, poison in your voice.

"Aren't you supposed to spend some time with me too?"

"I can't Loki. I'm trying to get rid of all of my feelings for you! I can't be near you if I want it to work!" you nearly screamed in his face.

Those words hurt Loki more than he thought. "Getting rid of ALL feelings? So you're trying to hate me then."

"No! Understand that I can't be friends with someone I love!"

"Platonic love exists too, you know," Loki remarked.

You rolled your eyes. "Whatever. I don't want to argue with you anymore, I'm going."

"Where?" he asked as you escaped him.

"To someone that cares about me, and not just platonicly!" you shouted behind your back and ran.

He hasn't had a word or a single alone time with you since then. You were always near that soldier, always talking to him, hugging him, hanging on his arm all the time.

Loki felt nausea whenever he saw Y/N with anyone but him. He wasn't used to seeing Y/N with other men, she was always near him. He missed her. Her laugh, her smile, her hugs. Everything.

No matter how many girls or boys he came across on streets, none of them could ever take your place. None of them smiled as brightly or as truly as you always did. Even when he was telling you about anyone he was interested in, you still smiled and wished him well with the person. You wanted him to be happy, even if it hurt you.

So why can't he do the same? Be happy you're with someone who will love you? Instead he grits his teeth whenever he sees the two of you together. Why does he want you all to himself? Why the thought of you being with someone else makes him throw up?

Loki sighed and held his head in his hands. It is true what they say. You'll realize you love somebody only after you lose them.

He felt like a coward. Standing in front of your bedroom door, with heart anxiously pounding in his chest.

Loki took a deep breath and knocked. No one answered. You must be out again. With him.

He shook the thought away and opened the door. If anything, he'll at least be able to give you a message without having to look into your eyes. While he was looking for a piece of paper and a pen around your room he noticed a new pot on your windowsill. It was brown and smaller than the rest with a single tiny green sprout sticking from the dirt.

Loki took the pot in his hand, it was small enough to fit into his palm. He smiled. It was so tiny and fragile. He wondered what kind of plant it was.

Before he could use one of the runes to find out a door creaked open behind him. "What are you doing here?" you asked. He was so startled by you catching him he couldn't even deduce if you were angry or surprised to see him.

"I-I wanted to talk to you," he turned towards you.

You looked at his hand. "Why are you holding it? Put it back, you might break it!" before he could even move you rushed to him, took the pot from his hand and held it close to your chest. Could one be jealous when a plant gets a cuddle but her oldest friend doesn't? Apparently Loki could.

"What do you want to talk about? If it's some noble lady I don't want to hear it," you turned your head away from him.

Loki shook his head. "No, it's not a lady."

"Some son of a sailor then?"

"No, I came here to tell you something."

You turned your head back to him. "And what is that?"

Loki took a deep breath. It's now or never. "I came to a realization. And not just a common one. I didn't think my life could be so lonely without you in it. Every single day I've missed you, longed to spend time with you again. Laugh with you. It pained me to see that Hofferson boy with you. Ever since I saw the two of you in the stables I wanted to rip you away from him. Just like I every boy you got close to in our childhood. For a long time I couldn't understand why I wanted you all to myself and no other man. But now I do. It's because I love you. Romantically. Just like you love me," he didn't look away from you. He didn't dare.

You shook your head in disapointment. "You're so selfish, Loki."

He didn't expect that answer. It was far away from anything he was expecting. All blood left his face. "Well, that's what love makes out of person. It makes them selfish, possesive."

"So how come I could let you go after your monthly interests without complaining like you did?"

Loki froze. "Y-you're apparently a better person than me," he picked on his palm.

You hummed. "So...what now?"

Loki took your lack of emotions as a rejection. He concluded he traded places with you. Now you were the one without romantic feelings and he was the one being rejected.

He couldn't keep looking at the love of his life rejecting him. He studied the pot in her hamds instead. "Now? I guess I will have to find a spell to erase all romantic feelings I have for you and wish you all the best with Hoffer-I mean Arne," he thanked all heavens above for his training that didn't let him fall apart in front of you.

You looked at him, fear in your eyes." Why would you do that?"

Loki laughed. It was a bitter one, filled with sadness. "Because you don't love me anymore."

"That's not true," you whispered.

Loki's head snapped up. "What?"

"I-I said that's not true. I never stopped, no matter how much I tried. I even saved a little part of our tree," you said softly and caressed the little sprout.

"That's from the old oak?"

You nodded. "For some reason I couldn't just cut it down and erase its whole existence."

Now Loki knows what it means when a stone falls from someone's heart. "So, that means you still love me?" he asked hopefully.

You nodded. "And you love me too?"

"Of course my love. Can we please start over again?"

"I would love to," you blessed him with your kindest, purest smile.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked a little too excited.

"No," his heart fell to the floor, "you have to kiss me."

Loki sighed from relief. He walked over to you and cupped your cheeks. From up close your eyes were even more beautiful than he noticed the first time he kissed you. He reminded himself to tell you everyday from now on.

And just like that, the history repeated itself. Loki gently placed his lips on yours in a loving kiss. Your head spinned once again just like so many years ago. And one oak tree witnessed it all.

#loki x reader #loki #loki odinson #loki laufeyson #loki fluff #loki x female reader #loki angst #loki x reader angst

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sugoi-writes · 4 years

Note

"I'm a virgin" he blurt it out, in the moment they where about to do it. And s/o froze. Not with a disgusting or grinning, or "are serious" look; more like blank/shocked look on their face. They ask Matsuno to wait a moment and leaves the room. Like in five minutes, they return with strawberries, whipped cream, a sexy playlist, a kamasutra book... a box of sex toys! It appears that s/o thinks he has HIGH expectations of his first time together. "Well, what do you want to do first?" Shyly ask.

OH. MY. GOODNESS. What a prompt! These could turn into a series for each matsu on their own, but I’d like to respond HC style!

Implied n/sfw ahead!

Osomatsu

Oh my god, don’t give this man that power.

He would be the type to be completely stupefied the first couple of seconds, like,” wait, really? You’re wanting to try still, knowing this???”

But once he knows your intention, and that you’re dead serious, this man will exploit that. His stamina will be piss poor at first, but he’d wanna go several rounds with you at a time.

He would be the type to try something, and if he doesn’t like he, he asks for the next number on the list, and flips the script. He’s mostly vanilla with his desires, but he is a VERY VERY big dirty talker. Once he warms up to different positions and styles of doing The Deed, he will a menace.

Don’t expect him to back down from any new challenges from you.

Karamatsu

OH, WHAT A MESS HE’LL BE! He will be super embarrassed to admit he has 0 experience. Like, literally none.

However, he is a fast learner. He has a few limitations, but can dabble into quite a few things with you (he prefers nothing too hard or painful for either party. But if you’re REAAALLY into it...)

He would be the type to do his own research too, and invest in buying new toys/supplies. He is the type that LOVES to dress up and role-play though. So definitely expect a lot of that.

Passionate doesn’t even BEGIN to describe Kara. While some siblings will seek out their own selfish desires, he’ll be one of the few that wants to genuinely explore yours. Maybe he can help you get into something you hadn’t even considered before!

10/10, a fucking good boy and a great man.

Choromatsu

He will be SO BLUNT, which is a shocker! He is very into role-play, but with particular scenarios where he is in control, or you cosplaying as a certain character/archetype.

He can get into ruts of doing the same thing over and over, so remember to help him spice things up.

He can go. all. DAY. This man is INSANE. Years of training prepared him for this day.

He may be a bit opposed to trying certain things, especially if it exploits a recessive trait of his... but he’ll warm up to it. He doesn’t like the feeling of being helpless or even small. But, if you can walk him through it, and show him that it’s not bad, he will bend over and beg whenever you call.

10/10, he could be the filthiest of all.

Ichimatsu

What? You’re joking? With trash like me?

Give him some time, as he may be a little too stunned to proceed for the night, a little startled by how fast things were moving.

HOWEVER... a good place to start is body worship, oral, and tamer things like this.

Ichi likes feeling good, and dreams of making someone feel good... but it’s important to help him feel a bit confident, as he can shy away from this activity if it isn’t straight up his alley or initiated by you. He would probably choke on his own spit if you asked him to be bold.

But buckle up... you poke and tease him too much, and he just might whip something up that you didn’t know he knew about. He does have a bit of a mean streak hiding in him, if you tempt the beast.

He likes researching in private (why he finds looking into this sort of thing, with you at his side, embarrassing ... you’ll never know.)

He will love to try things you’re into, as he’s pretty laid back and open minded. Just know that if he finds a thing that he’s into, he’ll often want to come back to that if you run out of ideas or if he’s indecisive.

He will absolutely communicate with you, so no worries. Everything is consensual, and he is the MASTER of aftercare and cuddles.

11/10, you would bone again

Jyushimatsu

Right here, right now? Whatever I want?

DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM, HE WILL WRECK YOU

Jyushimatsu can be pretty laid back, but he knows what he likes and wants. He has an idea of what he wanted to do in the first place, and will just insist on continuing where you left off.

He’s very much a “in the heat of the moment” kind of guy, and will often decide things on the spot, with little thought. He just kinda rolls into it.

You are his number one priority. But god damn if he doesn’t have some sneaky shit up his sleeve.

He will be the one to straight up get horny in the middle of no where, and be like,” Ahh, are you free right now? Can we try X?”

This man is a machine, and can make you quake once he gets more experienced.

He’s a little sloppy and overzealous, but you knew that going into this.

He will most likely be the kind of person to seek risky or new situations with you, and will absolutely take you on the spot if he sees you doing something to intentionally egg him on. I.E- wear his clothes.

He’s wild and unpredictable, but a fun ride (no pun intended <3)

Todomatsu

I’ve said this once, and I’ll say it again: BRATTY PILLOW PRINCESS. And he fucking knows it.

He will love to let you think you’re in control, and that you’re helping him explore himself/find what he likes... but he knows exactly what he’s doing. He will pretend to be all shy and cutesy, and will let you do most of the work while he reaps the benefits.

Call him out on his shit, or put him in his place! He will NEVER admit it, but he likes it when you do.

He’s most likely the one to tease you with it pretty frequently, and will test your assertiveness and knowledge. Make sure you know your shit before you go down on him.

He will be an absolute mess under you if you treat him right, though, and will never question your judgement again. He will get very flustered if you try to bring this up in public, tarnishing his confident, cocky attitude.

He will be the one to do some research into what you like and bait you with it at the worst times.

He’s a great lay, and a pretty caring guy... but still very much a bratty bitch.

Maybe one day I will do these all as stand alone fics. This is a gold mine of a prompt, dear anon!

#osomatsu san x reader #osomatsu san imagines #n/sfw osomatsu san headcanons #mr osomatsu #osomatsu san #osomatsu matsuno x reader #karamatsu matsuno x reader #choromatsu matsuno x reader #ichimatsu matsuno x reader #jyushimatsu matsuno x reader #todomatsu matsuno x reader #I hope I didn't go too far with any kinks #let me know if I need to put any tw on the post #n/sfw fic

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soukokuwu · 4 years

Note

hi there! hope ur doing well esp in times like these. i must say i absolutely adore ur writing. both the chuuya angst fics literally made me cry. i never cried to any other fics before. it was amazing. may i request an angst scenario where Dazai has an s/o & a person from his past (from his port mafia days) wanted revenge on him. now Dazai is incredibly smart & manipulative & they know that (impossible to kill) so they go after s/o & kills them. i hope i'm not bothering u. have a nice day/night.

something left unguarded.

genre. angst (dazai x reader) warnings. death, kidnapping/implied assault synopsis. there are times when dazai wishes he’s dead. this is one of those times. word count. 1.8k author notes. hi kitty! sorry this took me ungodly long, and i’m not sure if this is what you were looking for but i hope it’s okay!! <33

there’s some unspoken things that come together with love.

for dazai, that’s the slow crumbling of his walls; the surrendering of firearms. he finds himself unfurling easily at the seams, and regarding what seems impossible for the vast majority, it’s like white on rice for you. best thing is? it comes easy, effortless. you don’t try to be someone you’re not; dazai can tell. you are just unapologetically, undoubtedly you. that’s the beauty of it all, to him.

never has he felt like this, in the crack of dawn, lying next to you on the bed, the distant sounds of the birds and your breathing is all he can hear. it’s weird — he used to hear so many voices in his head, so many conflicting ones telling him to kill himself and yet others telling him to stay because there’s bound to be something that makes him want to live.

the latter is right. because now look at him. he’s not hearing whispers in his mind, the condescending, doubtful voices are gone. it’s peace.

all that fills his thoughts are you. who was he, even, before he met you? he knows, he always knows, he’s mostly self-aware. but then, he doesn’t want to. doesn’t want to remember the person he used to be, because he loves who he is now, with you. do the voices come back sometimes? absolutely. but a minor interaction with you and he feels tranquililty. and he has no doubt that you are the only one capable of such a feat.

he always thought fear was the accompaniment of walls breaking down. why did you make him feel like it was liberating instead? is it just the impossible amount of trust he’s put into you? he doesn’t have to ever ask himself anything, never does he ever feel like he needs to doubt you. ever.

you’re a peculiar little thing, always doing what you think is best for him. you rarely ever do think of yourself, do you? that’s why dazai takes it upon himself to give you what you deserve, a wholesome, warming kind of romance, even if he isn’t so sure about it himself. dazai doesn’t know romance apart from those that’s raved about in books and movies. his whole life is an endless pit of darkness — that’s up ’til the point he met you, of course.

so if the novel, theatric kind of love is the only form of romance he knows, then the least he can do is give you that.

dazai turns and watches as you rest peacefully, weaving his fingers through your hair, appreciating the patterns of your chest rising and falling. how long has it been since he’s first watched you like this before you wake? he doesn’t really recall the exact number of days, but it’s around three years? and he can definitely deal with a lot more than this.

talks about the future has always been taboo for him. not that he hates it, but it’s because he can never feel excited about it. and frankly, it’s much more of a chore than anything. so now, catching himself actually envisioning a future with you? it feels surreal.

the two of you have a routine: wake up, make breakfast, kiss goodbye before work, actually work, come home, have dinner, maybe take a bath together before you go to bed. it’s habitual by now — everything on the list. and while the morning is no different, the afternoon definitely is.

first there is the anonymous letter he finds in his top desk drawer. nothing but a blank paper with a single ominous line of “this is for back then”. nothing else. just a single line written in blood red ink. the weretiger next to him seems a little freaked out by it, so it’s easy to tell that whoever did this made the effort to come in earlier than anyone to place this in his desk. and maybe they expected to elicit some other behaviour from him. distress? fear?

whatever it is though, it doesn’t get to him. he crumples it up and tosses it in the bin. (he misses it, but it’s not like he cares.)

he goes the rest of the afternoon in ignorant bliss. he texts you halfway though, asking if your lunch today was any good.

would be better if you were here, osamu.

dazai forgets for just a moment that you usually only type out osa. because that’s what you do to him sometimes — you make him let his guard down. he wastes no time replying you.

oh yeah, why’s that, darling? ;)

the next message that chimes in has his heart take a deep dive into the ground below him. it’s a picture. of a vile, disgusting man licking the side of your head, with you tied up to a chair, unconscious.

because then maybe she won’t be so boring like this.

not even bothering to explain, all dazai does is grab atsushi by the collar and drag him out of the agency. he’s the only combative one present currently, and frankly, if it comes to a fistfight, having him there is enough. of course, dazai is not planning to spare anyone. they dared touch you?

they’re as good as dead.

dazai never thinks letting his guard down is a crime. but he thinks the ultimate sin he’s committed? that he let himself slack on his guarding of you. because the moment he gets to you at your apartment, he realises it’s never been a race against time. the moment the picture was sent, you were already gone.

and the culprits are long gone, disappeared without a trace. except for the disgusting wet track of where his tongue traced your skin earlier. usually, dazai would go after them immediately, track them down and plan their demise.

it would have been his plan. had you been just another body, another death count. but you’re not. you’re his lady, his angel, his life. yet you’re lifeless now, your chest doesn’t rise up and down like it should. your body is dense, somewhat dry. it’s completely… not you.

atsushi doesn’t know what to do, he stands in the corner with his eyes trained on his superior who’s letting out more emotion than atsushi thinks he has in his entire life. he feels like he should console him somehow, but he knows that’s selfish thinking. dazai won’t appreciate that.

he’s right. dazai won’t. because the only person capable of giving him any sliver of hope in this god-forsaken world is gone. her body but an empty vessel, reminding him of who he once was and how he had longed to be.

and oh, how he longs to join you now.

worst part is? dazai can find no one to blame. no one but himself. not even the man who offed you. dazai recognises him, from way back in his port mafia days. which means there’s no one to blame but the person he once was, the one you made him feel like he and reprieve from.

until now.

losing you is his punishment, isn’t it? for everything he’s done. this is his judgement day and you’re another one of his sad victims. it’s your body, limp in his arms, eyes wide open and the complete stillness of it all.

and he realises maybe this is what people mean when they talk about ‘deathly silence’. he never thought that losing just the sound of your breathing would feel like this and yet here he is, with another casualty in his arms.

yet another soul he can’t save.

and dazai… despite all his attempts, is still alive.

it’s cliche, but it’s true.

the worst day of loving someone is the day you lose them.

except when they’re still around, it’s easy to take every moment for granted. because who, when they think they have everything, will think of the moment they’d lose it? sure, it may come in glimpses, but you never hover over it long enough for it to actually matter.

until it happens.

cups of hot chocolate and cuddling up to each other in the winters. words of affirmation and warmth bubbling inside chests. security of routines and safety of arms.

dazai can’t stop thinking of things that remind him of you. thinking of the good times like you’re still alive is the only thing that keeps him from breaking as they lower you into the ground.

you’re almost in there and all he can think about is the first time he tells you he loves you, the first proper time he lets his guard down. how you were on the couch with your legs tucked against your chest, misty eyes giving away just how much the whole situation means to you. you see, he always knew you had a fear of falling, but he never knew just how much, until that moment.

“you click your tongue whenever something annoys you, you subconsciously like to walk between the lines on tiled floors, you blame yourself for things that are out of your control,” dazai had told you. and he remembered the look in your eyes — that surprise, that gratefulness — because you never thought that anyone would spare you that much attention, did you? especially not him, who you knew would never spend time on anything that’s unimportant.

but he paid attention to you more than anything else.

“i love you, belladonna,” he had assured you, inching close and holding you in his arms. you always needed reassurance, and while dazai would usually think it’s a burden, nothing was when it came to you. “you may think you’re a mess, but i think you’re perfect.”

he lets your giggle be the last thing that fills his mind as they finally lowered you into the ground. and he doesn’t wait for it to be filled before he spins around and walks away. the next memory he remembers being a promise made. of how you told him not to do anything rash should you ever go first, not even in old age. (he thought it was cute how far ahead you thought of for the future — something he finds he needs now; a future with you.)

and that’s the thing about letting your guard down; you let them have a slight control over your decisions. because now, despite every bone in his body aching to throw himself off a cliff, he finds he can’t quite do so. why? he remembers the life in your eyes when he agrees to that promise, the absolute faith you have in him that he loves you that much to abide by your one wish for him. yet in his head a constant question beckons him, chants itself in his mind like a mantra.

i just want to join you, is that so wrong?

tags. @yokelish @gogolparadise @fyowyn-writes @animatedarchives

#bungou stray dogs #bsd x reader #bsd dazai #bsd dazai x reader #dazai x reader #bsd #bungo stray dogs #bsd oneshot #bsd scenarios #rachwrote #bsd dazai osamu #bsd imagines #bsd dazai oneshot #bsd dazai imagines #bsd dazai scenarios #bungo stray dogs dazai #bungou stray dogs dazai

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mrs-march-ahs · 2 years

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Ok so recently my mom got a new boyfriend (at least I found out recently) and he has this daughter (keep in mind I don't have a problem with my mom dating) recently its come to my attention that he's living here at first I thought he was just staying for a bit but then he took his daughter from her mother and because the house isn't too big she has to sleep with me. Now here's when things start to get messy I don't recall from the past ever having trouble with kids but with her I HATE her. I'm a very closed-off person and I don't like people getting into my personal space and layout (the daughter) is the exact opposite of that. She clings to me all the time, she shouts at me, she hits me, she burps on me, farts on me, she marks up my bedroom walls, she feels up my boobs, and tries to look under my clothes, she bites me whenever I tell her to stop something, spitting in my hair, jumping up on the bed even if I tell her to stop because I'm not feeling well, she swears if I'm cooking something and it's not up to her speed she starts yelling at me and talking back not to mention if I leave my phone or my tablet for a short period she breaks into it and does so much crap and listens to the most disgusting of songs, once she went on and deleted all of my school work and it caused so many problems I told my mom all layona had was talking from her dad not to do it again. I'm a college student and I do most of my classes online so I'm always on some sort of call doing school work and she yells, she jumps onto the bed, and sometimes she gets so aggressive I have to just run from her and lock myself in the bathroom so I can have a moment to just breathe. And even when shes not misbehaving in some way she gets super attached hugging me, following me around, and as I mentioned I like my personal space, I like to just sit to myself and just breathe and enjoy the silence and lately with her I have none of that it's very rare I speak up or yell at her or go to her dad or my mom I just keep it to myself but today was a very emotional day for me so when she began her usual tantrum I locked myself into the bathroom and didn't open up until My mom came in and told me to after I came out not very long after layona began hugging me, sitting on top of me and for some reason, it just made me feel so much worse and so I went back into the bathroom again incase I didn't say it the reason why I was in the bathroom the first time was that I was having a breakdown so basically crying and just trying to get myself to stop because well I hate crying my mom comes back again and says for me to get out of the bathroom and so I do she asks why Im always in the bathroom I proceed to tell her the same thing I always tell her "layona is annoying" "I need my space shes overwhelming me" instead I got yelled at and she told layona to come out of the room later on she texted me and sent this really long message about she understands layona can be difficult, and ill mannered at times but I don't have the right to treat her as if she was nth (layona) and how Im selfish, self centered and unkind. It's not the first my mother ever said those words to me and I doubt it will be the last. Yes, I acknowledge the fact that I can be distant, cold, and lacking in emotions but majority of the times she said those things it hurt and I know you're, not in a position to tell if those words are true but do you believe I'm in the wrong for not being all holy golly, and sun shines towards layona??

(Sorry for the long ask and I think I'll use this emoji 🍭)

That sounds like a really awful situation to be in. I too, really value my own space and my own sense of security. Often times, when your room is your safe haven, things disturbing that (somebody moving things around) can make everything else seem more difficult.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to not want a child, who is essentially a stranger, in your room, touching your things and being all over you.

Secondly, you are not a bitch. You're not cold, selfish, self-centred or unkind. You are a human being with boundaries and limits just like everybody else. Being introverted or simply enjoying your own company and space (and needing it sometimes) is not better or worse than being extroverted and feeling comfortable around people all the time. Introvert = Extrovert. Not better or worse.

That sounds really frustrating, and I don't mean to dismiss your feelings when I suggest you try and see things from her point of view. She just moved in with her dad and his new girlfriend and daughter. I'm sure she is excited to have an older sibling to hug and be close with and spend time with. That of course does not excuse how rude she is (when you said about cooking for example).

Thirdly, my biggest advice is this. Talk to your mother again. Try not to yell or get upset but tell her, as maturely as you can, that Layona is an absolutely fucking unbearable spoilt fuck. Just kidding. Tell her about Layona deleting your school work and interrupting your studies. Tell your mother that her dad and your mom need to be spending more time with her, so that you suddenly have the job of raising a child you didn't ask for.

Lastly, as hard as it is, I think if you get to know Layona and build any sort of relationship with her, then it will be much easier to tell her what you want. If you don't want to be her big sibling, that's okay, but put some time aside to spend time with her. Next time she comes bothering you in your room when you're doing something, say 'Right now I have homework (or whatever else) to do. I think I will be done with this in an hour, and then we can do something together'. And stick.to.it. Tell her that if she leaves you for an hour to do something you wanna do, that you'll take her on a walk, colour with her, or watch a movie with her. If she doesn't let you be, be strict. Close the door and put a chair in front of it if you must. I don't think you mentioned how old she is but children usually just want attention. Once that attention is promised (in an hour) then she'll have to just wait. Ignore her until she gets bored and then stick to your promise and do something with her.

I really hope you resolve this and have your own secure space and time back. Update me on the situation !

#mma advice?!#mama march

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thedispatched · 3 years

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ty for your response because if i typed anything i’m thinking to twitter or even some accounts here i would be fed to a pack of wolves.

have you ever played the game telephone as a kid? this feels like a shitastic game right now of OP saying one thing and it just started spiraling. from what i see, the people that seem to be doing the translations are the twitters that are feeding off of this disgustingly, uttering he’s guilty and hoping more deals and opportunities for the other members in the same breath and these accounts that seriously popped up right after OP1 posted. and tbh, that doesn’t sit so right with me because these are the same accounts that tell people who are neutral or people who say they are waiting or people who aren’t believing every negative rumor spread that they are brainless, braindead or stupid. there’s so much one sided-ness to this that it completely drowns out everyone else who are like you trying to get everyone’s side because i agree that there are three sides. and while everyone is waiting to see if there are any statements coming out of what OP1 said, a part of me thinks we might not get it. it’s being spread that it’s sa and people are like we want a statement about the sa allegation. but if it isn’t and he was like how he was described in my last ask, it’s hard to get one. does that make sense? like you don’t (idk if it’s even the right word to use) release a statement on a sa allegation if there wasn’t one to begin with from her herself because the sa allegation i feel came from the everyone else who was NOT in that room with them.

i know how you feel. i never put my thoughts / opinions online cause i'm scared of getting attacked or something. i wanted to start this blog for a while (it was originally supposed to be rants) but i got enough courage to finally start it when this happened as it got pretty messy and i got mad lol.

telephone is fun as a game, but when it happens in real life situations it just creates more mess. combine that with mob mentality and well....

idk if we're thinking of the same (type of) accounts, but i know whenever a scandal comes out, new accounts do too with information/translations. i think of them as burner accounts.

i think in times like these you can see a person's "true" color. i feel like some people don't really care about lucas or the girls. they just care about what it means for their faves and look at it in a more selfish way. (especially when members are more or less famous than each other). i find it to be disgusting.

people don't like it when someone goes against what they think. and when serious allegations come up, if you don't believe the victim, they insult your morals. if you do believe, they call you a fake fan. with them there's no winning.

i wish people were more open to maturely conversing about different perspectives and opinions.

honestly, there's nothing wrong with waiting and wanting more information. everyone needs to remember we don't know the whole story and never will. they also need to remember that everyone is capable of lying. i don't like calling people liars unless they actually are, but if i don't know the truth behind most the important pieces of information, i'm going to raise an eyebrow.

i rather be suspicious than choose a side without considering everything.

i agree, i wouldn't expect to get another statement from anyone as it already took a lot to come out in the first place.

sa or not, people will believe what they want and will never be satisfied unless something fits their narrative. he says he never sa'd someone? they'll call him liar. he says he did, they'll throw it in everyone's faces.

some people, in the end, don't want the truth. they want to be right.

#ask #lc #wyh

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shizuku1303 · 3 years

Text

Promisetale_by_Shizuku

In a certain world like Dreamtale but not Dreamtale either. This place is like paradise, hundreds or thousands of flowers are always blooming in this place. If you come from other AUs, you will think these flowers are simply two ordinary flowers, but these flowers are cared for and protected by two beings. These two beings seem to have known and understood their duties from the moment they were born through the light of the flowers.

Sharing is a gentle and quite shy boy who always hides behind Selfish. But he always feels warm and happy when he is beside Selfish, to him Selfish is like an older brother (these two characters are twins).

As for Selfish, when you hear the name, you think he's a hateful person, right? But no, he has a kind and warm heart with an elegant, calm appearance, he is very quiet and quite hates noise but Sharing is the exception. Besides Sharing he feels he needs to be more mature, he sees Sharing as a loving and warm little brother. Selfish always takes care of Sharing from his clothes to eating and sleeping.

The flowers that they must protect and take care of are Selfish Flowers and Sharing Flowers, Sharing is in charge of taking care of the Sharing Flowers because whenever someone is sad or desperate he cuts a flower for someone who is feeling sad and hopeless. Flowers are like Echo flowers that can make voices, but Sharing Flowers emit words of comfort and encouragement that make others feel energized so everyone loves Sharing and wants to be friends with him. And Selfish, he is in charge of Selfish Flowers, this flower helps those who feel hate, hate themselves to feel better through the provocative words of flowers that make people feel more effort and effort. But almost everyone misunderstands the meaning that flowers bring, so they always throw back and say Selfish is bad guy, evil, witch,... many bad words are on his head, making him depressed. And of course Sharing will not know because he was led by everyone to go out leaving Selfish in the middle of a lonely field with so many harsh words.

Sometimes Sharing saw a lot of wounds on Selfish's body, he asked:

_What the matter with you, Selfish? Sharing bewilderedly asked

Hearing Sharing ask, Selfish's tears seemed to spill out, but he still managed to hold back and proved himself fine:

_No, I'm okay! I just tripped while taking flowers ... - Selfish smiled wryly.

_Moh ... You are too careless! - Sharing hug Selfish

Seeing Sharing like that he wanted to hide in his heart more because he was afraid he would make Sharing worry too much, just like that and every day that passed, he was bullied, beaten again and again when Sharing was absent. After each bullied, he held his face and cried painfully ... Alone, alone and lonely with no Sharing beside.

Leaning towards Sharing, everyone loves him, yes, they love him because of his innocence and easily taken advantage of. And of course, no one wants to be friends with him, they just use him to get the Sharing Flowers.

_Hey Selfish!

_What's matter Sharing?

_Someone invites us to a tea party tomorrow! Do you want to join? - Sharing was excited.

_ Um ... I'm not going anywhere ... I'm pretty tired ...

_ Moh ... You should be more sociable!

_ I think ... You shouldn't trust them too much ... - Selfish hugged the book tightly.

_What do you mean !?

- I don't think they are good ... They are using you ...

_You must stop that selfish thought! - Sharing shouted cut Selfish.

_Sharing ....?! - Selfish panicked.

_I ... I'm sorry ... Selfish ... - Sharing embraces Selfish.

It seems that Sharing is crying, because he hurt Selfish? Selfish was also quite surprised because this was the first time he saw Sharing cry. Not bothered that Sharing hurt him, he patted his head and comforted Sharing.

_No okay ... But promise me one thing ...

_Is what...?

_What is the matter ... Please always be by my side, don't leave me anymore ....- Selfish burst into tears like a child.

Sharing was also extremely surprised, as it was also the first time he saw Selfish cry.

_Ukm! I promise ! - Sharing hug Selfish.

After that promise, Selfish thought Sharing would fulfill his promise ... But no ... Sharing a little later and his bullying higher and higher might be like L.O.V.E. His mind grew darker ... A crazy think appeared from his mind.

"I hate you, I hate you Sharing!"

_Are not ! No ... I don't hate Sharing ...- Selfish cries and sobs.

Selfish increasingly depressed, he felt he was no longer himself ... But he still did not blame Sharing but tolerated him because he loved Sharing ... Probably ...

_Oh ... See what this exhausting monster is! - From far away a stranger is approaching him.

_Who are you ? - Selfish looks up at the sticky guy.

_How cute! You reminded me of that disgusting past! - He strangled Selfish with a tentacle.

_A ... Are you a Nightmare !?

- Surprised? Your negative emotions excite me! Want to join my group Bad Guys?

Seeing Nightmare's smirk, Selfish laughed contemptuously.

_Ha ha ha! Sorry but I want to be a better guy than make a mess like you!

Nightmare was angry at hearing that but he caught his thoughts, and said:

_Then you forgive it? That promise is broken.

Hit black heart but he still forced a smile to justify.

_Selfish I have always believed in my Sharing!

_Lie ! - The tentacles strangled his tighter_ He abandoned you! He broke his promise to you! - He grabbed the Soul of Selfish.

_ Get out ... You hateful octopus!

_Let's see - Nightmare leaves.

It seemed he sensed something so he just left like that. From afar, a group of people brought a variety of tools such as knives, cutters,... to the flower garden. They looked sure they weren't good people, so Selfish defended a small knife in his body.

_Oh ... Looks like a monster like you is still trying to live too much?

_ Get out of this flower garden now!

They ignored him and proceeded to exploit the Sharing Flowers, seeing that he pulled a knife and stabbed the destroyer in the throat, killing him from blood loss.

_You ... Are you bored of living !? - They shouted loudly

_I am bored of living! Come here if you dare!

As for Sharing, he was still happily having tea with his friends, his Soul felt insecure.

_What's the matter, Sharing?

_ I'm okay ... But my brother doesn't seem so well ...

_Do you mind that autistic guy! Life or death has nothing to do with you, right?

Hearing that, he understood more about Selfish's warning before, he clenched his teeth and frightened eyes and ran towards Selfish.

Selfish is working very hard right now, he alone cannot win against those five tall and muscular men, at first there were 6 but he already killed 1.

_Kill it and go on with your work, fools!

_Wait big brother ! We still have fun with that_ He looked at Selfish with lustful eyes.

Selfish tries to dodge them and runs quickly to where his corpse tries to pull out the knife but unfortunately gets crushed by one of them. He struggled fiercely and the knife in his hand stabbed them in the stomach of the adulteress, injuring him. He was trying to get puberty and was hit by someone who was holding a large log and broke a skull in his left eye, causing him great pain.

_That is a fool! - They trampled you.

_I won't let you guys steal the flower garden!

Then he tried to reach the Sharing Flowers, he only lightly touched the petals and the flowers turned blood red and a little black until scared.

_W... What did you do !?

_I ... I don't know ... It can't be ...

_Kill it !

Luckily Sharing stopped those thugs.

_Do not harm my brother!

_What did you guard him do? Look at the flower garden that was polluted by him!

_W... What ...- He panic.

_N... No ... Please listen to me Sharing ... I didn't do it on purpose ...

_You shut up! You are too excessive Selfish ... Flower garden like this ... Not by you, but by whom? Selfish!

Selfish's heart was broken into a hundred pieces, his heart was torn by thousands of knives, he laughed, a savage laugh.

_Hahaha! I'm wrong! I am wrong to trust you Sharing! You break your promise! Now dare to blame me !?

Selfish greedily ate those defiled flowers like a hungry devil, feeling great but also extremely painful. His body gradually became extremely painful, and his eyes and fear of being lost poured out a red-and-black fluid that was as clear as blood and a very disgusting smell like the smell of a corpse that looked disgusting and scary. Sharing and many people died. Above him, his Soul turned into a ragged Selfish Flowers. The sky darkened with blood red, signifying that something bad was about to happen.

Everyone around them ran away in a panic but could not escape the scythe of death due to the petals that Selfish shot. The wings flowers cut human's neck, pierced the heart, cut the body in half,... A horrifying scene that Sharing thought only appeared in Dreamtale's legend.

_S ... Selfish ...? - He tried to call his brother's name.

_......

_ Are you still there ...? Answer me ...

_Shut up ! Shouted Selfish.

_I... I'm sorry ...

_Sorry ? See what the hell you turned me into !? You break your promise! You blame me!

In his out of control rage he manipulated a petal to cut the back of the Sharing's left hand. Not yet mentally stable, Sharing was crushed by Selfish.

_P ... Pain ... It hurts Selfish ...- Sharing burst into tears.

No matter how painful his brother was, Selfish used the knife he used to crack the Sharing's skull at first. Sharing screamed in pain, the more he struggled, the more he hurt him. One shot, he stabbed a powerful knife into his right eye. Suddenly out of the eye and on the crack of the Sharing skull bloomed a Sharing Flowers different from the rest of which was two colors, the light radiating from the flower immediately pushed Selfish away.

_Wh ...

_Enough, follow me! - Nightmare tease Selfish.

_Selfish! Wait !

Sharing knelt helplessly and cried, all surroundings were ruined, corpses were scattered everywhere. So his Promisetale was destroyed like Dreamtale.

_I'm so tired ... I don't want to continue ...

As if he was able to finish himself, there was a gentle hand on his shoulder with a warm whisper.

_This must be your destiny, follow me together to bring positive energy to the multiverse and bring your brother back!

_ D ... Dream ...?

_Now... Let's go! - Dream holding Sharing hand pulled away.

_W...Wait Dream...!

Inspiration to write that story by :

#Dreamtale_JokuBlog

#TheGrinningKitten

I use google translate so there are some incorrect words, I hope everyone understands ^^"

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huadie · 3 years

Text

anchor liveblog post.

the curse of prophecy: all of my high tier kins channel tmg.

" somebody’s gonna get hurt / i hope it’s not me / but i suspect it’s going to have to be.

---

episodes 1-3: the general doesn't deserve the sympathy he gets. i'm not excusing a woman who killed happy girls on their wedding days, but i do think he owed her that closure. sending his son just pits the burden onto someone who wasn't involved. he should look his failures and mistakes in the eyes. if you can't count on a god to do that, who can you expect it of? it's disgusting. / i feel so tired and sorry for the girl who died saving a man who hated her and hurt her friend. i don't think kind people should be on the hook for ignorance and spite so willingly. her life for his was an unfair trade. / He's Cute. and wildly unexpectedly gentle considering the whole "demon" thing. / b tells me i'll have kin ptsd about the face disorder, but right now it's just heartbreaking. nobody deserves to live with that kind of fear. nobody deserves to live with that kind of pain. / b also implies someone in heaven is doing it to them for fun and i just want to say right now that i'm going to pull his dick off thru his mouth. that's a tier of evil that should have your blood start boiling inside you in an attempt to disinfect it. that was a child. that was just a scared little boy. not a prop or a toy or a plot device. a child. / i like the baby generals. they are so nineteen but it's nice to see it. i know anime leans on comedy skits a lot, but they can carry it off. they're charming. / heaven looks a bit shit. all of that meditation and betterment and it just makes you a spineless politician with the power to airbend? christ on a bike.

---

episode 4-5: initial reactions. watching him swing between fuck-me eyes and genuine emotional distress at no signal i can see is a lot. he's a good painter. i think i get the gist of where he's coming from but it feels insane to me. the twitch duels were cute. he clearly cares a lot more than he enjoys devilry so it's insane to me that he's that strong. general jr destroys me. imagine being so pompous and negligent you'd give your child your name. has he ever been allowed to be his own person? meow meow etc. the face disease is horrific. he was just a kid. he was so scared and in pain. i like the temple. i like that it's raggedy and messy. maybe it should be over-repaired, so people in need can take from it? it's definitely not very reverant, but. gods should serve their people. quotes all of small gods here etc. they should want to serve their people. they should be happy to see their temples valued below human life. it would be nice to live in a ghibli film forever, and read books and cook warm food and paint.

episodes ???. thoughts said out loud. gods own their people. thousands, one, here and now you are alive. gods are owned by their people. it's a cage. it's the most beautiful cage possible. to feed starving people from your hands. the bread and the fishes cut out of you. to give and give and give, to be asked for things you have never had and give them next. each prayer should strip you to the bone. can you imagine? to be so trusted, so cared for, so beloved, so followed, to have so much given to you freely and happily. a live lived to save others is the only beautiful thing. the only beautiful thing! a god should be owned by each of their believers individually. selfishly and shallowly and demandingly. like a child needs you. the power to put a fish back in the water is a blessing so heavy thinking about being created for it should make you wail. to be - for people, for the birds and the trees and the fish too, but for the people. it should break your heart. you should never let it become monotone. sunlight into wine.

on love: i trust b. i trust b. to love him here like this and love him in this skin and then find him again in a book and on a screen and fall in love with him there too, to watch myself fall in love with him too. nobody has ever earned what he freely gives. i want to give it back. oxygen to dioxide, i want to find all the places he stands and pour it back into him. i want to show him how beautiful he is. to love someone like that is a miracle and i want to pull it apart. i want to make him familiar with me and bored of me, i want him to wake up each morning taking me for granted, i want him to be so safe and secure in his place in my heart that it stops being a gift. that it wears down and falls apart. the velveteen rabbit. i want to hold him in my hands like a bubble that hasn't popped and i want to use him like the doorway to a world where even if i had to hurt and be hurt and fall and learn to grow, i can come home at the end of it. my growth can mean something, my stronger back can bear more weight, my lessons can be shared. i want it to mean something. i want to have faith in myself again. in the resurrected kingdom of his arms i can find it - build it. i can come home. it can have turned to gold while i did not see it. it can have worth, i can have worth, i can bend and not break. i can have a claim on things without losing them, without it cursing them. just him. i'm not greedy, i'm not selfish, so please - just him.

episode 6: there's something that hurts about letting other people see what you'll tolerate. what you'll do. the places in your life where you have pathetic history and where you are attempting to be someone who only existed today grinding against one another. i know he knows. i know it isn't a stolen moment, a chance to decide how i exist to someone before they decide it for me. i sleep beneath that painting and whenever i wake up in the night i feel him pretend that he is asleep. i know. i know. but it could have - it could have been. it could have been a lie that i got to play with. a tiny self indulgence. aren't you tired of stars? aren't you tired of being the tree that cannot bend in a storm? of holding yourself down? everyone else does it so easily. everyone else lets go. everyone else knows how. if i can't learn then i want to pretend. i want to be unwanted, and - and meet people. by chance, just chance, and like them and have them like me. no promises i made before i learned i couldn't keep them. just... something smaller. i talked about multiverse theory. how it isn't in the coin flip, but the atoms of the coin. how in one dot you can know everything. every grain of sand in a desert. i cannot survive existing with people thinking of me. not well and not poorly. i want to disappear into it. maybe nobody else is obligated to finish the work. maybe their contributions are a blessing. but i can't... learn how to let it go. it's all i have left in me that i recognize, somedays, as it gathers dust and makes me sick to breathe around. what am i if i am not that? i want to know. i'm scared to know. i will never be allowed to find out.

on being loved: god. it is too much. i don't hate it. it doesn't disgust me. but i feel like a plate being washed in every inch of the sea before i am allowed to see dry land again. i feel like i won't survive it if i look at it because it is a mosque decorated in mirrors, because it is mathematically perfect, because it holds the tiny miracles of angles and existence and light on par with the miracles of human heart and existence, because to make at all is to change the world for the first time, because i do not want to see what it reflects. i do not want to see it. i would be better if it lied to itself, if it was delusional and selfish and obsessed with smoke tricks. if it saw silk and paint and stopped looking. i don't want to know what i look like with my hair down, with my face clean, with my feet dirty, with my hands raw - i don't want to see what it sees to know that it loves there too. i don't want to follow it. i don't know how to make it stop. how could i - how could anyone be held accountable for this? to this? to prayers and plans and a kindness that changes the world in every grain of sand it has and again the next second, how could anything be worth this? and if it could - it couldn't be me. not a collection of stupid wishes and failures and betrayals-by-failure. not me with my hair down. silk could be worth this.

on being loved now that it isn't the middle of the night, and my body isn't betraying us both, and i can remember that there are an infinite number of steps between 0 and 1: but really, it's just ink. just paper. if it's - if he. if it's everything. if it's everything. then it can be one thing. it can be this thing. it can be the blindness. it can be me with my own hands over my own eyes like a shutterbox pretending i don't know how to see myself and admit that the pea beneath my mattress only hurts me - that it's small, to him, that it isn't sharp, that it's a phantom limb i can't stop being tormented by and only ever that. can that be enough to start? can i let it? it's atoms again. grains of sand. if he can love this, he can love everything. if i can see this, the rest falls away. there are more universes where we are kissing than every atom from the start to the end of time. that's how it works. i'm going in circles. you don't mind, do you? i'm writing this for you. you're the only person reading this. i don't know why i'm being impersonal about you when i'm being possessive about me. it won't protect me. it won't make it less terrifying to think of, and it won't make it less painful for you to read. i know you're already mad at yourself for being too much. for making me think that it's too much. you're kind to me like that, even when things are my fault. but if we can sit here together, and i can know that you know i can't imagine being loved, and that that - that moment, that dot, me unable to count to the place where numbers end - is something you love too. if i can just see this one moment, and not doubt it or question it or be afraid of it. it can be enough. because you know how hard i'm working to get to even this first step. you know how hard i'm working. you know how scared i am. you know it isn't you. you'll wait for me, with me, and you won't hate me for it. you promised.

on being forgiven: i don't know how to do it for myself. i don't know how to blame people for what they do to me unless it's the most extreme circumstance. i forgive too much that shouldn't be and hold ignorance and spite against others long past when it's fair. i handwave any scar someone gave me while they were suffering and never let go of what they do to others. i don't know what makes it different when it's me. i guess i know how to forgive myself for being scared and lost and for making bad decisions under the influence of... whatever... but not lazy cruelty. not letting something bad happen because i felt like it. all i do now is watch. all i do is let things slide past me again and again and again and do nothing to help and it can't matter that my heart breaks about it when theirs don't if none of us get up, and i remind myself that small steps do more than a single leap that uses me up but it's so hard to believe that here and now in the world where i could die if i tried again and harder still to comprehend in a world where 800 years of lives were made and suffered through and lost and i did nothing that matters to help. maybe all of the horrible backstory parts you're so scared of me seeing will be ones where i could do something, where i could climb up and let everyone take a raw bite out of me and go without starving for just one day, and then this won't cut me up inside like i swallowed a hedgehog. some days i am the hedgehog. trapped inside me, unable to stop being something that cuts to have there, unable to get away. i don't know how you can forgive me. i don't even know if you know what i need forgiving for. if i apologize for saving your life - for coming back to you again and again and again and being so selfish and. i don't know. for being me, while you try to love me, instead of being the person i can't forgive myself for not being, who deserves to be loved by you like this. but you'll forgive me. how do you do it? how do you stand it? i'm jealous of you. of how easy your heart warms up. of how kind you are.

kosmi 1-6 rewatch: i dislike pei su less now that i can see him as a person with a horrific job and less as a vehicle for the lies i know pei ming told about every woman he ever used and threw away. "i burned the scroll and won the war on my own" yeah right. gotta get that out first before i start collecting my thoughts. um.

one: the ascention, the earthquakes, (all that fuss for a scrap god. you told me the order it went in, when i asked, and i still think it's funny in a way that validates what i've been saying for something only the most in-need ask for help with to rattle the bells from warlord's palaces. they aren't ignorable. more than - more than anything else, anything before, i can be proud of this. i can be proud of myself for this.) i hate the way people look at you like you're infected with something because they can't play pretend that their inaction isn't malice any more. the bets and jokes and sneers. what have you done, lately? what help have you given? what good are you? and then there's me: starting as ever in unfixable debt, anchoring desperately to simple kindnesses, too tired to do more than smile. it's not worth it. it's never worth it. (being loved and losing it is worse than never knowing. being able to love yourself and losing it is worse than that.) the way that heaven sits unfixable and unchanging and incompetent. i'm proud of them for making something of their futures. i am. i don't begrudge them anything. i trust their character and i trust them to try to do the right thing for the people. i'm glad they didn't fight hua cheng. the kids are sweet. they're little carbon copies of their generals. it's sweet. it's kind. i like how... okay, they're mean and short tempered and fight like cats in a bag, but it's just the way you are at that age. it's not personal. it's easier to stand. i know there's gender coding tm in the novel, but i hate man-in-a-dress gags that point out that the man looks bad in a dress. i thought it was fine.

one point five: ok. i'll talk about it. the butterflies on the dress, the gentle music, the way our colours matched, the way your hand felt in mine. the sound of rain. i didn't know people could be so gentle. i didn't know they knew how. i think it was better for my health, before, when i assumed the best i ever saw was the best people were capable of. worse for me, though, to believe that. i'd forgotten what it was like to see myself in someone else's eyes as welcome.

zero point five: flashback sequence goes here. of course i remember what it was like to be loved, and work towards a clear goal that helped people. of course i remember what it was like to have a home that loved me back. he looked so scared as he fell. he looked terrified. i don't... i'm not good. at hating people. when i know everyone is driven to where they arrive in some degree or other. but that - whatever the reason they think they had, it isn't enough. it couldn't ever be enough. i hate seeing the human face disease. i hate how scared they are. how obviously in pain they are. i know they can't have survived. but i wish they could. i would give anything if they could. i would give anything up for it. have i talked about responsibility enough that this isn't a surprise yet? nobody should be that scared. nobody should suffer who hasn't chosen it to protect others. nobody should have to choose it, either, but if heaven has already failed you -

two: i hate that bald man. i hate watching that poor freckled girl throw herself on him again and again to save him just because he's human, while he takes every turn to re-learn hate and jealousy and hurt others. when he talks to his friends he almost humanizes himself, and i hope the time he spends as a crab fixes the rest. i truly do. but god i hate to see it. i hate being unable to do anything, because she chose it, because she knows him more than me, because her heart is kind enough to reach out to him even as it betrays and abandons the people in-need who can only go to her for help. you have to triage need. a life lived with the intent to harm others cannot come before a life lived with the intent to help, or to simply survive. anyway. the concern i get shown whenever i talk about the butterfly ghost is so charming.

three: i hate pei ming. his story is shallow and self-praising, his jilted lover competent and proud before he cured her of that with a kiss. i don't believe she broke her legs. i don't believe he passed over the chance to shortcut his way into glory. am i supposed to believe women just act like that? they just break their own knees for attention? she destroyed herself for him and he can't even pretend to care. not even at the end. not even to lie, and let her move on. so, what? thirteen girls die terrified and alone on the happiest day of their lives (- and we know it was happy for them, we know they went smiling up the path, we know they were excited) because he didn't have the stamnia to apologise to one person he hurt? i hate him. i hate his name, i hate his family, i hate his legacy of butchers, i hate his cowardice in sending pei su to grind out his cover story and then hide his mistakes where he doesn't have to look. i hate him. / i feel. so bad for that boy. he was so scared. do you know how scared you have to be to take scissors to yourself? i do. i have, literally, in the last year, actually. and that was... one cut. to avoid the risk of infection. sleeping on a wound that screams at you? he was a child. he was just a child. i let him down. there's no excuse. he needed reassurance. he needed protecting. i let him down.

four: i like that shrine. i like making it, owning it, doing something meaningful. i think a shrine for scrap should be made of more materials than it needs. i think it should be a place to sleep, always, and a place to eat, and you should be able to strip the roof if you need to. i don't care about what is proper, or respectful. respect the god of scavenger birds by surviving at any cost. by using what is useful. by taking what is free. i can build it again. if i know - if i can believe one good thing about myself, it's that i can build it again. as many times as it takes. i won't wear out. i won't give up. i can build it again. and how lucky, this time, to have help. there are so many things i can't do, even now. i need to learn. i never even thought about it until i saw that door. too long alone in my own head. too many years spent without it feeling worth the effort when a band-aid would hold.

four point five: again, ok, fine. i'll talk about it. you're beautiful. your eyes are like starlight, your smile is the warmest thing i've ever seen, your hands should be buried in an instrument, your painting is beautiful, your laugh is endearing - what do you want from me, here? of course i was looking. it's different to look now with your hand in mine than it was, then, to look just to look. to count threads just to count. to run my fingers through your hair and across your palm just to touch something. of course i knew. who wouldn't know you? who couldn't tell? but then, what was i going to do? know it? say it? ask things? better to be stupid, and naive, and find out what knife is waiting for me when it happens. i'm tired of speeding through the sweet moments to get to the next blade. i'm tired of being pushed from place to place. i'm tired of being alone. wasn't it fun? didn't we have fun? didn't you like talking together and cooking together and waking up in the morning in an empty shrine with the promise of another day to fill it? do i have to scream and shout and be suspicious and accuse you of - what! of holding my hand? of helping me? of being the exact same as everyone in heaven still deigning to look at me and thinking of me only as a tool to an end in a plan that will hurt people who did nothing wrong but pray? what can the harvest hope for if not the care of the reaper man? if it's - it always hurts. it always hurts. if it's going to hurt. why shouldn't it be kind first? why shouldn't i play stupid and keep you close and be usable without a heart left in me to break? why shouldn't i enjoy it for what it is, if it's all a lie? better me than someone who would be hurt by it. you're smart, and easy to talk to, and you're helping. you can't unbuild that door. unsweep the entryway. you can't undo the physical evidence of when you were kind. that's enough. that's all i can ever ask of people.

four point now: yes i know you wouldn't, now, i know you now, i don't need to gamble. i know you'd build a thousand doors. i know there's no trick. i know that it's safe. i know that i could have accused you and screamed and bit you and nothing would have made a difference and you still would have been kind. i know. i promise i know. i just... have to say where it was before. i have to tell you how important that kindness was, and how much i was willing to be kind to my own self to keep it near me. you understand what i mean, right? the tiny unforgivable act of making a mistake that could only hurt me? i know, i know. cocky to assume it would just be me hurt. but - if i was right to hope for nothing, i would make sure of that. i would make sure of it. i would do what i needed to to make sure only i was hurt for my selfishness.

five: i hate that we built a shrine and the next day something like that waltzed in. now we have to clean again. (i said in the stream, how funny it was to run that only survivor scam, how quickly it falls apart if you've ever seen real suffering, if you know what a survival rate is.) the rest i don't remember. i like working as a team. i like how much the kids hate you. they can tell too. i don't know what they see. but they worry about me. why do they worry so much? do their generals have something invested in me? are they just trying to do what they can now, and my caring for them isn't a one-way road? do you look that sketchy?

six: talking about the plot? in a sandstorm? no. you should keep my hat on. you look so sweet and cute and shy in it. i love the way you crumple when you aren't at the wheel, when an interaction happens without your instigation. maybe i'm not the only one bad at taking kindness. maybe i should offer it to you more often. you smell nice. like hot clay and silk. it's subtle. is that a ghost king thing, or is it just you? i like it. i can't imagine what i smell like. i hope... lillies and cotton. something soft. i'll ask you one day. i'm not surprised you were the most solid thing in a storm. i won't be surprised if you keep being that. i should have let you catch me. i should have dragged you with me. are you immune to it? could you stop it? would you pretend to be as useless and helpless as i am? i want to keep putting you in situations in disguise just to see what you do. it's fun! it probably shouldn't be, and i'm sure i'm setting myself up for a public shriving the more it becomes obvious who you are and how much i depend on you, but. i don't care. if i suffer for it, so what? what difference will that make? what could one more condemnation possibly do?

six point five: i like seeing sqx. i still read that as squeeks. i like seeing squeeks. i like sharing this with teddy. i like knowing that the way we are together can translate to here. i like how kind he is to me, and how funny, and sweet. i want to see him be happy. i want to see him be happy even though i know enough to infer it won't last. i know you love me with the power of a thousand angry wasp queens but it's nice to just sit next to him and joke with him and pretend for a little bit that i got to do this all the time. that i spent all my years drinking honey and rosewater and laughing with him, that things were as kind and easy as they're allowed to be. it's cute when i say he has a moral code and he gets offended. it's cute when i say he's a bitch and he gets offended. i like the way it makes all three of us laugh. i like seeing a place in my heaven where you could be. i don't want you to give up what you built. you built it because you had to. but when i'm sitting with my head on his shoulder, it's a window to that place where heaven exists to help people, where none of us ever had to learn what misery really was.

what power obliges from you: action. movement, always. there is no down time, no sleep, no rest, no running. if you seek people out to rule them - and that is what ascention is, seeking to rule, to tie your survival to your treatment of them - then you cannot do it with force and with ignorance and with the desire to coast. like. i'm not stupid. i know men do. for centuries and centuries with no repercussions, until the king on the rope for his people is as far related to the man who razed their lands as i am, (but inheriting evil is a choice too). i know how easy it is to punish and hurt and demand. how easy it is to hold people for ransom. but that isn't... that isn't power. that isn't kinghood or godhood or divine right. it's worthless. it's the other end of a sword. it kills you both to use. there's no light left in the world, no wonder, no chance to be saved by others so long as you are the thing that keeps you both drowning. you should wake up in the middle of the night for them without being asked. you should bleed for them without being asked. you should be ready to die for them without them ever knowing. even at their worst. at their most entitled, afraid, undignified, ignorant - if they are those things, the blame falls on you. if you are voted in democratically or born to the monarchy and not hanged in the streets it is the same either way: the people have chosen, they are asking you for something, and if you live in their gold and silk and sing their songs instead of smashing your own head in with a rock then you have agreed to the terms. why would anyone be unwilling to do that? afraid to do that? if you can do even a little bit more than someone else they are owed half of the excess. you cannot live in the world alone. you must not live in the world alone. ask the people above you to bleed for you and the people below you for nothing. there is no hierarchy beyond "i can help you" and "please help me" and there is no meaning beyond it either. every day it is hard to remember this but you have to, both parts, without losing either. why wouldn't anyone want this? what else is there to strive for but to better help others, to be someone with an abundance to share, to be used like that for the survival of everyone. isn't that happiness? to be as connected to everyone around you as a river is? to give water and fruit and blessings and promises and safety and shelter? you can seek power without understanding that it is only deeper service, but you will never do anything worthwhile with it. the gold will rot with your corpse. we find immortality in one another, and the celebration of giving more.

???: i saw a video of someone opening their back gate onto a meadow of the same single flower. it was beautiful. that's what it feels like when i catch you looking at me. we could grow flowers, couldn't we? we could plan a garden? i don't want to see myself fall and fail twice at least, or fight a war, without something kind at the end. i want you to tell me there's a way to still be like this - repairing doors, eating small meals, sleeping in warm air - after all of that is done. i want to build something selfish and self-sufficient together. i know we already are. in the things we talk about the jokes we make at my own expense whenever further plot implies at me. and in how excited i was to find out that the word for butterfly was this one. but i want to make things with our hands again.

episode 7: well. i'm glad it was me.

episode 7 (a day later): i'm still glad it was me. i'm proud of the kids for how brave they are, proud of that general for saving lives every time - and god, it was so funny sitting there in a circle of contempt for him, touching a gravestone people had hand cut and hauled up the mountain and carefully ingraved with their thanks, thinking about how loved and how much gratitude he must have died surrounded by. thank you for making them treat it with respect. thank you. he did his best. i'm almost jealous of it. imagine how nice it would be to help people, and have them see that you helped them, and be happy about it, and think kindly of you. i'm glad that you understood how important his actions were. i feel less alone when you're beside me on matters like that. anyway - i'm glad it was me. you're so bad at letting people care for you. i can tell you've been alone with only yourself to depend on for a long time. but your heart is so soft, you know? you don't even know it. you deserve to be protected. to be with people who want to protect you. it doesn't matter if you could have caught it in time, or survived a bite if you didn't - you should be able to think of yourself as precious to others. to me. i don't want to see you hurt. i don't ever want to take your hard-won strengths for granted. on the last day of earth, i want to move between you and danger as quickly and without apology as i did then. you're so easy to care for. do you know? and i'll be okay. i know you blame yourself for it because you said, because you're never gentle with yourself the way you are with me. but if you hadn't been there, i'm sure i would have stepped between someone else and that bite. i'm sure i would have forgotten again to grab the stinger i was just warning everyone about. you know what would change? if you hadn't been there, if you'd been a bit faster with your own defense, "if" "if" "if" - ? i wouldn't know there was a cure. i wouldn't know where to look for it, or be able to depend on someone helping me find it. that's the difference you made by being there. that's the only influence you had on me that day. you keep giving me the chance to survive my own mistakes. thank you. i can't promise we won't end up here again. i can't promise i won't keep trying to protect you. all i can do is hope that you know i don't mean it as a slight on your capabilities (it isn't! i just care about you. even the strongest man alive should be loved by people who want to shield him from danger) and that you don't get tired of me being so reckless.

#anchor.

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traitor-boyfriend · 6 years

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I just read your post about Stan and Kyle's relationship and I totally agree, but I was wondering if you might elaborate on what you mean when you said Kyle acts as a moral/ethical guide for Stan? I'm not disagreeing but I'd love to hear you talk more about it

sure!

kyle is obviously the most morally fixated of the four boys and i would say after about season four or so is when they really began to take this direction with his character. whenever something transpires within the group, kyle is almost always the first to disagree w whatever plot they (’they’ almost always meaning cartman) start brainstorming to keep themselves from getting into trouble, that they should instead own up to their mistakes and take responsibility and suffer the consequences that come along w it. rarely if ever does anyone actually listen to kyle and he’s cajoled into complicity but that doesn’t stop him from offering his disapproval at every turn in the name of wanting to do the right thing. the best example of this is ‘toilet paper’ where they tp their art teacher’s house for making them stay late; kenny and stan are immediately on board when cartman suggests it but kyle is uncomfortable w the idea entirely, and after it’s done he’s racked w guilt and is seen as the weakest link in all of them b/c of his compulsion to tell the truth. we get to see kyle struggling w guilt pretty often and the apex of it is usually when some outside force is preventing or coercing him from coming clean about whatever it is he’s done. though stan and kyle both shared the whole ‘gay little speech’ element in the very beginning, it’s pretty much been exclusive to kyle for the majority of the series -- kyle is the one to always explain what they learned at the end of the episode, to tie together the moral lesson you’re supposed to take away from it

because he’s a kid, kyle can occasionally be swayed out of his conviction if the consequences are great enough for him to be afraid of (this tends to be his mom). when butters’ gets the ninja star stuck in his eye in ‘good times with weapons’, kyle initially panics and agrees with cartman’s idea to kill butters and bury him in kyle’s backyard b/c he’s so petrified by the idea of his mother finding out what he was doing. but even then his moral center comes back around, even if he doesn’t follow through; he protests the idea of taking butters to a vet instead of a hospital and later tries to get rid of his ninja weapon and instead confess to what happened. in ‘crack baby athletic association’ kyle is outraged and disgusted by what he sees as cartman exploiting the babies born addicted to narcotics and wants to expose him, but he changes his tune after learning how much money cartman is making. so he eventually joins cartman but justifies it to himself as taking care of these babies, giving them opportunities they wouldn’t otherwise get, raising awareness, etc -- even though he’s in the wrong, kyle tries to view his actions through a benevolent lens in that what he’s doing -is- the right thing; that’s why it bothers him so much when stan tells him he sounds just like cartman. stan is seeing both of their actions clearly in the same vein, but in kyle’s mind, he’s incapable of conceiving himself being in anyway like cartman and has to further delude himself into seeing the positives of his actions. he goes as far as showing up in stan’s bedroom in the middle of the night to legitimize his actions, both to himself and to stan, because stan’s opinion of him matters so much that kyle can’t move past it unless he’s able to convince stan that he’s in the right. to his credit, kyle does try to rectify his actions with the ea sports deal and building an orphanage and whatnot. two wrongs don’t make a right, but that won’t stop kyle from trying.

basically i’m just trying to fully highlight the extent of kyle’s dedication to being honest, being kind, being a good person etc. it matters a lot to him and it’s also touched on briefly now and then w regards to his being jewish -- that being a good person is important if not only for the sake of being a good person.

it’s not that stan isn’t concerned w being a good person or doing the right thing, but he has more of a selfish or self-centered impulse than kyle does. stan cares a great deal more than kyle of what people think of him and is more desperate to be accepted or liked by his peers, so he’s often subservient to the whims of passing trends and fads or following the crowd. this is a debatable point but i also think because of this stan is generally more prone to blatant egotism than kyle -- when he leads some kind of superficial crusade (’butterballs’, ‘scause for applause’, ‘bass to mouth’), it’s pretty plainly about himself and his own feelings whereas when kyle gets wrapped up in a similar power-trip it’s usually at least manifested/disguised in some cause greater than himself, even if it’s a self-centered one.

i’m gonna touch on the examples i provided above briefly:

-butterballs: stan begins the anti-bullying campaign initially out of concern for butters but when he sees how highly his classmates regard him for taking a stand, it very quickly divulges into stan riding the high of peer approval w regards to the music video, making it seen, going on dr. oz etc. kyle is the only one who finds fault with it -- “don’t act for me, stan, really” is a really caustic but honest assessment of the situation on kyle’s end b/c he sees that stan is more concerned w how his efforts are being received and praised rather than helping butters. again highlighted by their interaction in the bathroom when stan insists his video needs to be seen by everyone and kyle tells him to put it on the internet for free instead if he feels that way. stan is dumbstruck b/c he doesn’t know how to defend himself b/c he knows kyle is right, and he cares more about accolades/profit more than he does actually making any kind of grand social change.

-scause for applause: my favorite example, i think. again, stan’s refusal to take off the bracelet starts as something personal to him and very, very quickly transforms into a selfish movement about himself, ‘stanground’, b/c he loves the positive affirmation he receives as a result. craig then accuses him of having lied, and stan berates him in front of everyone in a really acerbic manner and only fuels the fire that eventually brings him down. when everyone hates stan after finding out he actually did cut off his bracelet, kyle tries to nudge stan in the right direction by urging him to tell the truth, but stan only doubles down and tries to get everyone on his side again w a convoluted scheme to make it seem as if the whole thing was intentional. when this blows up in his face, again, kyle -- without judgement -- confronts him about having asked heidi to borrow superglue the week before. stan scoffs and i think he says something like “you’re still on that, dude?” and of course kyle is! why wouldn’t he be! he doesn’t want to see his friend dig himself any further a hole than he already has.

-bass to mouth: everyone participates in the wikileaks gossip site at school but kyle; he’s the only one who has an outright problem with such an invasion of privacy, and stan tries to get him to lighten up. kyle remarks that it wouldn’t be funny if something about stan were written on there; stan responds flippantly that there isn’t, only for something about him to show up shortly after. cue stan leading the charge to find out who the site-runner is only for kyle to remind him during the meeting that, okay, now that it happened to you, it isn’t funny, right?

not necessarily in the same vein of selfishness, ‘two days before the day after tomorrow’ is another great example of kyle wanting stan to do the right thing. after they destroy the dam, cartman and stan agree not to tell anyone, but when stan is confronted by the destruction his actions have caused with the people of beaverton being trapped in their flooded homes, he feels immensely remorseful. cartman sternly demands that he not tell kyle b/c kyle will obviously try to get him to confess to what they did. stan ends up telling kyle anyway to the exact result, advising him to let everyone know he’s responsible so the people stranded can receive actual help. cartman becomes irate when he realizes kyle knows, but instead of following his advice, stan tries to do the right thing in a roundabout way: rescue the people himself so he can “do the right thing, but still lie about it.” this doesn’t work and only serves to put the boys themselves in grave danger, and kyle pleads for stan to own up to what he did if for their sake only. he calls randy and comes so close to following through only to decide against it, to which kyle is visibly angry and upset with him. by the time stan does come around to telling the truth it’s too late -- everyone thinks he’s speaking metaphorically about breaking the dam instead of literally which leaves him frustrated.

there’s more examples of this, but kyle very frequently is the first one who tries to intervene when stan gets himself in more trouble than he can handle by trying to guide him toward what’s honest and what’s right. stan is often described as the everyman or the straight man of the group, and for the most part i agree with this -- stan himself is a very average kid. but i think it helps to also look at his family dynamic; he has no siblings he can really rely on as shelly is far too volatile, and though she’s shown some moments of genuine concern and care for stan (that i love and wish there was more of!) she generally holds stan with disdain and irritation. sharon is shown to love and care deeply for stan’s well-being but is also largely unaware of the extent of his problems as her hands are usually tied up elsewhere (and doesn’t receive enough one-on-one interaction with stan for me to really comment on how well she handles those problems). randy is a fucking mess and speaking as someone w a parent who was a functioning alcoholic as randy is, i can attest to how fragile and chaotic a relationship like that can be. randy is certainly no role model of decency. i mean, christ, there’s an entire episode based around the concept of randy teaching stan how to lie effectively wherein which he demonstrates ‘tells’ for stan only to exhibit them when he tells stan he loves him. obviously this is played as a joke, but stan notices this and is rightly upset. randy, as a parent and a person, is incredibly selfish, has no sense of boundaries, acts in his own self-interest, and treats stan like a friend instead of son -- not a very good friend at that. not that randy has absolutely no redeeming qualities, but they’re few and far between, and the rare occasion we see him genuinely try to help or bond with stan usually ends up in another wacky misadventure. my point being, stan doesn’t have a very strong support system within his home and thus has to rely entirely on his own will to guide himself.

kyle is one of very few who is really ever shown to expect better of stan, to want him to be better than he is, to want him to be better for the simple fact that he should want it for himself as well -- not so he can get anything out of it.

that was what i mean by kyle being a moral guide for stan and helping keep him grounded. sorry this became so long, but i hope this answered your question!

#south park #kyle broflovski #stan marsh #Anonymous

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terselylove · 4 years

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Depression...

My experience of dealing with social anxiety is a feeling of overwhelming fear when interacting with individuals I wasn’t comfortable with. I was unable to look people in the eye when speaking to them, and struggled to keep a conversation going. I came off as both extremely quiet and shy, as well as rude, which anyone who knows me well knows I am the opposite of.

During this period of my life my self-confidence was at an all-time low, and I felt disgusted every time I looked in the mirror. I stayed away from people as much as I could, and felt I made an embarrassment of myself whenever I went out in public. I constantly had a voice in my head saying “Why would anyone want to be friends with you? You are ugly and pathetic.”...

I love summer. Lighter evenings, longer days, warmer weather, summer dresses, perhaps even some sun if we’re lucky. Generally speaking, as seems to be common with most people I speak to – when the sun is out, I’m in a better mood. However, as someone who also experiences periods of depression, I’ve found that this isn’t generally the case when it comes to my mental health.I’m fortunate that I’m currently in a much better place at the moment but, when I think back to a few years ago, I found the summer months to be an immense struggle.When the clocks sprung forward, it all felt a little bit daunting. The things I’d usually look forward to about the change in seasons now served as reminders that I really wasn’t ok.The lighter evenings and longer days meant more time counting down the hours until it was dark enough to go to sleep. The warmer weather meant more plans to cancel and, as a result, more excuses to make up. I couldn’t even muster up the enthusiasm to decide what to wear each day – something which would ordinarily bring me a lot of enjoyment – and so the summer dresses stayed at the back of my wardrobe.Perhaps depression is a little easier to understand in the winter. It’s dark, it’s cold, most people are spending evenings at home not really doing much. If I was having a particularly bad day / week / month, it didn't feel so wrong to get home from work, change into my pyjamas and just go to bed.Yet when summer rolled around, it seemed as though everyone was out and about having the ‘best time ever’.

And then there I was, struggling to get out of bed.For someone experiencing depression, it can be difficult to watch those around you enjoying themselves. I'd mute group chats so as not to be met with the constant barrage of plans, I'd excuse myself from after-work drinks, and I'd invent reasons not to attend BBQs and family gatherings.“But it’s such a nice day…” people would say, “you should get out the house, it might cheer you up."Yes it was a nice day but, whilst their words were well-meaning, they simply weren't helpful. I already felt as though I was wasting my summer and I knew I should get out the house, but it just didn't seem possible. A nice walk on a sunny afternoon might do wonders if I'm just having an 'off day', but depression is so much more than that, and a sunny afternoon isn't a cure.Depression doesn't care about the weather, your weekend plans, or the birthday coming up that you'd do anything to be able to enjoy. It doesn't think to itself "summer is here, time for me to disappear for the next few months."

That isn't how it works.I'm in the fortunate position of having friends I could be honest with. Friends who would still keep inviting me to things 'in case I felt up to it' and didn't judge me when I stopped replying to messages for days or weeks on end. They'd suggest shorter periods of socialising that felt a lot less daunting, and remind me that they were still around if and when I felt up to going out.In more recent years, I've managed to enjoy my summers without the weight of depression casting a shadow over them to quite the same extent, and for that I'm incredibly thankful. I think my own experience has also made me more aware of how others might be feeling, and I'd encourage anyone who thinks a friend might be struggling to try to understand and have a little patience.

Some people understand it, some think it’s an attention call. For me, depression is like that pile of laundry that you don’t want to show in your Instagram pictures. I never want to show my pile of laundry to the world, I want my life to seem happy and put together, as if I folded and put away all my laundry right out of the dryer.Ever since high school I have suffered with extreme depression and anxiety. I can defend the issue for hours and hours, however I get embarrassed when I feel sad. I get so embarrassed when I am sad and those around me do not understand and treat me as if I’m crazy.Typically most of my life I’ve always just been called dramatic when I’m upset. It has become one of my biggest triggers, because most of my life I haven't had that fight to defend it. I just, quite simply, let it eat at me.Depression can be the hardest when others just don’t understand you. I get sad for no reason so often that I’ve created safe spaces. In our current home, my safe place is my bathroom floor. Probably about at least three times a month you can find me locked in my bathroom on the floor, crying. The lock on that door is the only form of power I feel I have at that moment.

I see you.

I share this because it’s real, I share this because everyone has that pile of laundry.

I know everyone may not have depression, but everyone has something hard they’ve experienced, everyone has something to share and everyone has something to relate to.

Many times I have found myself on that bathroom floor contemplating life and how to make it past that very moment, will I? I have to say how thankful I am that I haven’t followed through. Life is so hard. Sprinkle on some depression, heck, dump it on - and life is now even more hard.Please don’t ask me how I can be so sad I could contemplate suicide. Because honestly I do not know, nor do most people in that situation. How did we make it to this moment? What did I do to deserve this sorrow?You never know who is hurting. Those who are, we often are the most resistant, waiting for a hand to be held out for us to grab onto as the pressure of our mental being closes in on us.Check up on those who are quiet, those who check up on you; maybe conversation is being sparked due to their need to communicate. Let’s talk about our hard times, it’s healing, not embarrassing.So, here’s my laundry pile. You’re not alone.

Depression is not an emotion - it's an illness

Ah, mental health stigma surrounding depression. The worst that's been said to me in all these years having depression is:"Don't go and have a moment on me!""Don't quit your job. I know your job has been making you feel depressed but you're being stupid. You haven't tried hard enough.""Is that all your depressed about?""Stop being ungrateful and take your Great Aunt's advice!"

Please, stop.

This is not me being lazy, ungrateful or selfish. This is me dealing, sometimes suffering, with depression. This is my demon running its black toxins through my head, poisoning my thoughts and feelings.

Depression is not an emotion, it's an illness. A completely and utterly illogical illness. Just like with colds, for example, some colds can just be a little sniffle, sneeze, etc, while some colds can completely wipe you out and keep you bed-bound for x amount of time. Whether you have a mild cold or one from hell, you still have a valid cold. People with the strongest immune systems can still be affected by them.

From an outsider’s point of view, sure, they would be able to see the positive things going on in your life. However, when depression strikes, for me at least, it feels like a part of my brain has turned off the switch to be able to enjoy things. If it's really bad, I'm unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel with whatever I'm dealing with. I can also feel like a shell of a person sometimes. It's as if my brain has temporarily sucked up my personality and misplaced it somewhere else. I'm there but not there at the same time.

I don't choose to do this, depression is basically trying to tie me down in a chair at the cinema, forcing me to watch its fake "reality" tale about how my life will always be rubbish, dark, etc and how I'm worthless. Sometimes I can fight it off, but other times it can catch me off guard and I believe it for a while. Depression, by the way, is one hell of a liar.

The best way I can describe the switch being turned off is while you can see the beautiful colours of the world, I only see black, grey and white. My favourite meal in front of me is suddenly tasteless mush. My favourite TV show/YouTube channel is changed to, what feels like, a very boring presentation about something I've never been remotely interested in. Going out with loved ones can feel like everyone is spinning around me in fast motion while I'm sitting there in slow.

Depression is one of the worst things I have ever experienced, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thankfully over the last 9 years I've learned to differentiate my depression thoughts from my healthy thoughts. I know my depression is just trying to make me watch a fake tale about me and my life, like how I described earlier, but I know I can beat it each and every time it knocks me. Depression might be strong but I'm much, much stronger.

Please do not judge other people's struggles and do listen to what they have to say. Their mountain may be a molehill to you, but everyone is different and everyone’s feelings are valid. Please, please always remember that.

For a long while, I've been having issues with mental health. I remember asking my mum one day years ago if hearing and seeing things was normal and her response still sticks with me. "You're too young and don't know what REAL mental health problems are."

At the time I was incredibly depressed, anxious and scared of myself and what I might do. Whenever I tried to reach out and ask to see someone for help because I was seeing things, she always gave an excuse to dismiss what was going on, like I needed more sleep or I needed to "stay off that phone!". I just wish she might have listened a bit more, instead of brushing me off as lying, or getting angry and impatient with me. If she had been more supportive, I would have felt more capable of handling myself during my bad episodes.

Considering that not even my own mother would believe me, I truly felt alone and thought that no one would listen to me and brush me off as liar or even a fake. It made it hard for me to reach out for help or take care of myself in the ways I needed.

Now that I'm in my later years of university and I'm in a relationship, I've had to be truthful to myself and acknowledge that I do have issues that need help with. It's taken me even longer to learn how to trust people, that people will reach out to help me if I ask for the help I dearly need. That I won't be told I'm too young or it's because I'm tired or because I'm on my phone too much before going to sleep.

It's taken me years to realize that I need help and that no one but me can choose whether or not what I'm dealing with is real. I don't need someone to compare their own experiences to mine and deem my cry for help as valid or not. But if I had a parent that believed me and took me to someplace where I could've gotten the help I needed, I think I would've been able to cope better with my conditions now.

Some people fail to realize that mental health doesn't discriminate against age and sadly for me it was the person I looked up to most that failed me.

I never know how to explain depression to someone. It’s so different for everyone and comes in so many different forms. Some people describe their depression as a weight that holds them down, ever-present and demanding of their time. Others describe it as a shadow that looms in the back of your mind, always taunting and jabbing and trying to tear you down. Some days, you just have thicker skin. And then sometimes, depression is described like drowning. It’s wading in an ocean of poison and barely catching your breath before you’re dragged back under.

I don’t think people understand that depression is constant. Some days it doesn’t feel as heavy, it doesn't tug and pull as hard. And other days, it knocks you down before you can even get out of bed.

I am always fighting this constant battle with myself. I may smile and laugh and seem happy, but know that, somewhere, in the back of my mind I'm struggling. The happy interludes, the in-between where the weight doesn’t feel as heavy, are simply vacations from the reality that is my depression.

It makes me feel like a failure, no matter my successes. I feel worthless and like I’m a burden on everyone around me.

My depression is a beast that lives inside me. It whispers horrible things in my ear, tells me that I am waste of space. And all the while, I have to smile and pretend I’m okay.

That life isn’t beating me, no way. I’m too stubborn for that. I have to pretend that there isn’t some rabid animal inside of me, clawing to get its grip around my throat and snuff out my life.

People who don’t have depression don’t understand. But they can still be there for people like me. When they say something that scares you, don’t yell. Don’t get angry because you don’t comprehend how their mind works.

My mind is a scary place. I shouldn’t need to open up and spill my darkness for your compassion.

Support people with depression, even if you don’t understand. Just be there.

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