entangledptsd

[entangledptsd]

I moral lesson I wish literally everybody would learn is this: the very same actions that keep you safe when you are powerless can be abusive when you hold power over someone. The difference between resisting subjugation and subjugating others is often more a matter of context than anything else. And when context changes, it can be hard to relearn one's behavior—it requires an active effort. Probably all of us have hurt others needlessly, in some way or another, by doing things out of a reactive instinct for self-preservation. Probably all of us have been hurt by others, sometimes very deeply, when they were acting out of the same instinct.

I don't like speaking about ethics in the language of blame, but insofar as blame is a coherent notion to begin with, I'll say this: neither is anyone evil for the failure to fully rework themselves and free themselves of bad habit after struggle, nor does the difficulty of reworking oneself excuse the abuse of others. Nor, though we may wish otherwise, is it always epistemically possible to our own actions with confidence in one camp or the other. We can only do our best to treat others well and at the same time ourselves, though it is often not clear how.

[entangledptsd]

#also like i was a kid. i was by definition the smaller person. letting other people abuse you without ever being held accountable #isn't a noble thing #nate postlethwait #actually ptsd #actually cptsd #actually traumatized #living with cptsd #living with ptsd

[entangledptsd]

If you treat other people like shit for how they go about recovery, whether that's because the methods that work for them were bad for you, because they're not Good Vibes All The Time Only about it, because they make vent art that makes you feel uncomfortable or triggers you, because they don't want to recover at all for one reason of another, whatever it is about someone's recover or lack thereof that bothers you, if you attack them over it or try to force them to recover the way you think they should, then stay the fuck away from me. I hate you personally. If it's that distressing for you, then block them and move on. I regularly block postivity and pro-recovery blogs because that kind of stuff triggers my history with toxic positivity, and that's my problem to deal with, it doesn't mean I need to lash out at those bloggers for coping in a way that I find triggering, it means I need to curate my space by avoiding them.

#i am not a Good Survivor™️ #and nobody should have to be. we all go about life in our own ways #trying to force positivity gets people killed and helps exactly nobody #we've all been through enough there's no need to tell any of us how we should or should not deal with it

[entangledptsd]

[entangledptsd]

Victims can be angry.

Victims can not want help for whatever reason.

Victims can be loud.

Victims can be aggressive.

Victims can be violent.

Victims can be emotional.

Victims can be stubborn.

This Hollywood perpetrated idea that victims can only be meek and silent and pitiful needs to be beaten to death with a hammer.

There is no such thing as the standard or typical victim. There is no such thing as a bad victim. Victimhood is not a one-size fits all.

If you believe victims shouldn't receive or are undeserving of compassion and help because they don't behave the way you think they should, you are no better than the person who made them a victim in the first place.

If you wish they died, or think they deserve what happened to them, or think they should have suffered more/should continue to suffer, you are no better than the person who made them a victim in the first place.

[entangledptsd]

Reposting this because I need to materialize it somewhere.

#ohhhh yeah okay now it makes sense

[entangledptsd]

[entangledptsd]

#self-blame is an attempt at taking back control over one's life #hard to navigate

[entangledptsd]

Credit to drelizabethfedrick

#ohohoho! all of the above what a fun mix

[entangledptsd]

[entangledptsd]

Making a safe space if you don’t have one can be so beneficial.

It might mean making sure you have comfort items nearby and in their best condition (for instance, if you have a favourite hoodie, make sure it’s clean and ready to wear). It might mean making an extra effort to turn your bedroom (or apartment, or car) into a safe space. This can especially apply if your bedroom or car look the same as they did when the trauma happened. (Even if it wasn’t where the trauma happened. It could just be a reminder of that time in your life.) Redecorating those spaces to look and feel different may help them feel more safe, often because it will feel like it reflects your style or just feels more like it belongs to you.

Redecorating might mean moving things around, replacing things, removing things or adding new things. Your bed might feel much better with a change of sheets. It might help to add decorative items that cheer you up, or make you smile or laugh, or just make a distinctive change in the appearance of a place. Maybe you cut out some favourite things from magazines to make a collage. Sometimes moving furniture can make a room feel like a completely new place, like changing the position of a dresser or turning your bed 90 degrees. Sometimes small, simple changes can be huge, such as a wrap around the steering wheel of your car. Feeling safe can mean a lot of different things to different people. Think about what you need to feel safe.

[entangledptsd]

[entangledptsd]

#the brain is a physical organ and the scars from PTSD are visible real things #they don't look like scars on the rest of the body they look like underdeveloped regions and shit that doesn't connect right to the rest #emotional and psychological pain are real pain they're just felt a little differently sometimes #but not always! sometimes they physically hurt too because the brain's wired to the rest of the body

[entangledptsd]

been coming to some realizations about the ol' teenage years and the effects of social isolation, csa, emotional and physical abuse, and religious brainwashing all whipped up into a nauseating salad while you're going through puberty for the first time

that's where a lot of my relationship and sexual dysfunction come from. being forced to confess every single fucking thing to a parental figure who then threatened to go tell the creepy old bishop about "your little problem." as if me touching my own body was some kind of horrible addiction. she made me dissociate completely from my whole body and suppress every natural urge i had. she told me god would only forgive me a few times and then he'd stop after that because clearly i wasn't really sorry enough for enjoying my body at all

and then she just engaged the rest of the fucking family to make sure i never had any time alone, which was the most horrible overstimulating shit ever for my autistic ass. i wasn't allowed any alone time for any reason. shower? she'd always find a time to sneak up and knock on the door really hard just to make me jump and keep me on edge. actually she did that for fun all the damn time, just like she pulled the hair at the nape of my neck to see me tear up because she found it hilarious. she screamed at me when i finally did it back to her though.

never had a problem holding me down to stick needles in my face, feeling me up under my shirt, touching me everywhere no matter how much i hated it and made that clear, pulling up my shirt and bra in front of the rest of the family. people make fun of the weird kids who bark and growl, but it was the only thing that made her back off.

and there was nobody i could talk to, because "family things stay in the family." i wasn't allowed to go to public school or leave the house at all without a parent until i was 17 just so she could control my entire world. i had exactly one crush for about a week until she found out and started tearing me down for it. i couldn't have any friends she didn't personally approve, and she also had to personally approve their parents. i wasn't allowed sleepovers. one time i came back from a church activity wearing blue eyeshadow one of the youth group leaders had put on me because i liked it, and she told me i looked "like a prostitute" and freaked the fuck out. the Sunday after that, she copied her own makeup onto me to show me off as essentially a tiny version of her to all the adults at church.

she was honestly just a possessive jealous creepy gross incestuous pedophile, and i wanted to die. the only way for me to escape was burying myself in a book and getting my consciousness outside of myself completely. even that wasn't enough after a while.

she realized one day that i was getting bigger than her, and she decided to start having weird wrestling matches with me on the living room floor. i'd been carefully supervised through tae kwon do classes but i was too scared to hit her. she always ended up tickling me and sitting on me in ways that weren't right for anyone to do to a kid to win. i just wanted to let loose, crack her jaw, throw her out the window, but i knew if i did that the consequences would be severe.

if i ever see her again i'm showing her what a left hook feels like. she loved to complain about how i was born evil and just the most badly-behaved kid of all time, but sometimes i wish i'd really unleashed everything and shown her what an unholy terror really is.

nowadays touch is still a minefield for me, even just a tap on the shoulder can send me into furious shaking. i don't know how to have sex without ignoring what i feel and just trying to make someone else feel good. i can't cuddle anyone but my girlfriend, and even that kinda freaks me out sometimes.

the moral of the story is, don't fucking have kids if you're going to abuse them. don't even get a pet. collect rocks or something, find a hobby, tie a boulder around your neck and chuck it off a cliff into the ocean like that jesus guy said, but don't have kids if you're going to abuse them. oh and burn your bible/book of mormon/christian scriptures of choice, that's not a childrearing manual.

#and now i get to sort it all out #i'm glad i at least started screaming back when i hit 14 #i didn't understand that what she was doing was wrong i just felt so fucking angry #so i felt guilty and everyone else reprimanded me to stop fighting her to 'keep the peace.' fuck the peace. #if she wanted peace she could have stopped being so shitty anytime #i fought her for a few years like my life depended on it and maybe it did #my siblings hate me now and haven't talked to me in years but i don't care. me fighting back gave them more space to think for themselves #instead of getting brainwashed by her. i took so many punishments for those little shits #and the youngest still lives with her. i worry sometimes that she finally got the substitute husband she wanted #he was always a mama's boy and she would rave about finally having the wonderful son god promised her. #i may have been the scapegoat but at least i got out from under her thumb and dragged my dad and other sibling out with me

[entangledptsd]

Having a traumatic childhood means you cannot talk even objectively about your basic foundational experiences without it being "venting", even if you're not actually venting. You just straight up have a huge chunk of your life you can't talk about, full stop, without it being trauma dumping.

And it not being socially acceptable to talk about your own childhood is super alienating. Sometimes people want to know why, and any answer you can give them is going to be off putting.

It's to the point I get irritated when something I said is framed as venting when I'm literally just talking about my life experiences, doing my best to keep emotion out of it.

#so many people have decided i'm too much for the unforgivable crime of talking about my life #so fucking what if the worst day you've ever had was just fucking tuesday to me? should i just never speak to make you comfortable? #this is why it's so hard to talk to people who don't have cptsd and a long history of serious trauma #it's just that sharing my stories gives people nightmares #ugh #that's what i made this blog for. warnings are pinned so if anyone bitches at me well they were fuckin warned weren't they

[entangledptsd]

[entangledptsd]

remember that is valid to be scared of women if your abuser was a woman

remember is valid wanting a male gynecologist bcs your abuser was a woman

remember is valid to have a complicated relationship with your mom bcs your abuser was a woman

remember is valid to have hypersexuality if your abuser was a woman

remember is valid to have trust issues towards girlfriends bcs your abuser was a woman

woman abusers exist, woman pedophiles exist, and that woman was abusive, what happened happen, you are not lying, woman can be abusers too