#PEOPLE SHOULD START WATCH ONE PIECE FOR BETTER LIFE! I’m being real here!

[uaremyjae]

My thoughts on my One Piece journey and How it’s affected me 🩷

This is going to be long ass post lol

I think this is the platform that I never knew that I will ever comeback to but you know because of one piece and deprived of Sanji, Nami & Law content, ✨ here I am 😁✨ *shamelessly comeback after abandoned tumblr for good 11 years lmao*.

Anyway, I just want to let out my thoughts on my one piece journey and how it affected me. So bear with me. This is only place I can talk about One Piece because other platforms I had is related to kpop * Yes I’m a kpop fan. HEAVY ON NCT. Neo Got My Back.*

I know about one piece way back when I’m teenager. It’s just I don’t start to watch it/ read it somehow?? Idk why 🤷‍♀️ I’m also confused to as why because I did grew up watch anime like FMAB, Naruto, Bleach, Black Butler, K-On, Fairy Tail on tv. HECK I EVEN WATCH THE LONG ASS DETECTIVE CONAN TOO 😭

I think it’s because back in the day ( 2010 - 2017 ), I had lack of access to internet and not exposed to the series at all. Besides the local TV station here, only aired Naruto ,Bleach and those anime I mentioned . *I’m just 24 years old btw*

So around September 2023, I came across to One Piece content on TikTok and funny enough it’s Brook edit! I was so intrigued with this character and little did I know I watch a bunch of One Piece clip here and there on TikTok. To be fair, I am basically spoiled myself that time 😬 but I’m the type dgaf if I got spoiled because I won’t remember at all later on. 🤷‍♀️

So I decide to start watch it. First few episodes, my reaction was like “ Okay Luffy is an interesting guy🧐his body stretches and always smiled! He got damn hands tho ngl”. Zoro, my reaction was like “ahaaa SO THIS IS ZORO THAT EVERYONE KEEP TALKING ABOUT. Quite a Stud.”

Nami, interesting female character that I can relate because I like money 🤑 and her backstory is so sad. Ussop is also another character I gradually love over the time!

Then COMES MY HUSBANDO, SANJI. Man I have a thing for a man who can cook and looks good in suits. Sanji really makes me having my first anime crush ever! I DONT HAVE A CRUSH ON ANYONE IN NARUTO & Detective Conan but One Piece made me have one 🤧 *The upgrade from loving a guy that exist but doesn’t know you exist ( haechan,jaehyun & jaemin bb i luv you guys but Sanji 😮‍💨) to loving a guy who are not exist on this plane of earth 👀*

Little did I know I start to binge watch it. First day of watching, 30 episodes in 6 hours. 10 days later I already watch 325 episodes . but the show is so good! The story telling that oda created really hit home to me and the foreshadowing & lore he created makes me hooked unlike other story that I have read & watched.

Here’s the thing, to me every anime that I watch, I never like finish it . Sometimes I would just watch last ep and called it the day. This is not only apply on anime, it’s apply to western shows, my own local shows & k-dramas. So One Piece truly like solidified their place on my heart. I finally can understand why one piece are so loved for decades!

Also during those times, I hit rock bottom too. I quit my job because I was falsely accused for stealing shit at my work place and being discriminated by my ex-boss due to being the youngest one for my entire work.( everyone else was in their 40’s ). That time I was desperate as I need some money to achieve my bucket-list and want to lessen the burden of my family. Lord heavens knows what I’m going through, got death threats by that mf. Twisted the truth that causing my whole family cut ties with her severely. From there, I felt so stress and worried.

So One Piece is my way of escapism and it’s been a beautiful and exciting journey. Compared to last time, I took a 7 months breaks from works due to burn out & anxiety, this time it doesnt took long for me to overcome those situations and my “year-end blues” that I called is not as bad as before. I also has been actively try to get a job asap so I can buy an Ipad as I want to start learning digital drawing again after watching one piece.

One piece teach me it’s never late to start a new journey towards your dream! I used to dream to be a graphic designer or animators but my family don’t want me to be that. They want me to have that conservative jobs like working in government, an accountant etc. so essentially I gave up those dreams so I can make them proud of me. It’s been bothering me for so long as I felt like I should have go for what I want not what people want. At the end, I abandoned my accountancy knowledge and worked as an admin & a baker which I found a lot more less stressful that being an accountant. I guess what people describe after knows me personally being a confident, free-spirited & rebellious is just the way I am. AND oddly enough One Piece is just perfect manga & anime for me!

At this point, I already caught up with anime. I’m a weekly basis anime watchers now. I also has caught up with manga too. It’s been a huge revealing & fresh experience of One Piece for me. I felt like I being myself again! It’s weird but it’s the truth! I never felt so at ease and being seen. I just want to do what I want. It’s just fitting fate for me to be a One Piece fan!

That’s all what I want to say… if you really read this till the end. Thank you!

#one piece #I’m lucky to found one piece #monkey d. luffy #roronoa zoro #nami #ussop #sanji #tony tony chopper #PEOPLE SHOULD START WATCH ONE PIECE FOR BETTER LIFE! I’m being real here! #soul king brook #franky #jimbei #nico robin

[lunamochii]

I’m here for you || Lo’ak x omatikaya!fem reader

content warning; Lo’ak is 20 and reader is 26, fluff, a little bit of angst. Y/N being a knucklehead, slowburn romance, a rush ending(?), wrong spellings and incorrect grammar.

a/n; this was stuck on my brain for days trying, took me days to finish and now finally it is! Might do a part 2 if I get good feedbacks, like real feedbacks🥹 please tell me what are your thoughts on this and how you guys felt. Like, did I manage to tug on some nerve? Hahaha please let me know!

Synopsis •

+ You’re mate got killed during the hunt, strike by a bullet straight to his heart. You were left devastated, feeling all alone in this world however Lo’ak, who have been admiring you from a far decided to let his presence be known.

4.5k words

part 2

—

“Please great mother, not Atrice!”

Your mate cough blood once more making you cry out as you hug his body close to you. He reach out his hand and cup your cheeks making you look at him

“My love, I will always love you. Although this is our goodbye, let’s meet each other again in different life”

“No… don’t! Please Atrice!”

He only smiled before he slowly close his eyes and you can feel the heat of his body fading, his hand slump down and all you could do is cry out. Filled with anger, you laid him down and grab your bow as you called for your ikran, flying high through the sky, you joined the party and killed many sky people. Avenging the death of your lover.

one year later

It is said once a na’vi loses it’s mate, they will also start to lose their self. You’re showing the sign of it.

“Perhaps you should refrain from getting close to the enemy.”

You turned around to face the clan leader and you only gave him a blank expression. You did try your best to show an emotion but failed miserably.

“How will I know if they are dead? It’s better than to be sorry”

With that you left and Jake just let out a sigh, he fully understands you. If Neytiri also dies infront of him, he wouldn’t know what to do. He watch your disappearing figure before turning to gather the warriors, in a short time you have become one of the strongest warriors in the clan. Proving yourself, you always fly next to the olo’eyktan to aid if something ever comes up.

——

Today, the clan plan to ambush the vehicle that is carrying the supplies. You stared at the bow you always use, the bow that belongs to your mate. Something ignite in you once again as you grab it along with the arrows and walk out from your hut to join the others.

“I want this operation to be fast. Make sure everyone of you comes back in one piece.”

Gripping the bow hard as you cheered with the clan, you were about to ride your ikran when you felt a hand touch your shoulder. Looking at your side, you saw Neytiri looking at you soft eyes.

“Your wounds hasn’t healed up yet. I suggest you must not go with us.”

You huff before answering

“Nonsense. This wounds is my reminder that these demons still exist and needs to be killed.”

“But—“

“Yah!”

You ignored her words and flew away, Neytiri turned to to her younger son and held him tight on the shoulder.

“Son, you know what to do”

Lo’ak nodded and immediately mounted his ikran, flying away to catch up with you. With the lead of Jake, all the omatikaya decided to start attacking. Flying above them as you strike each to their doom. You cheered when the vehicle blew up as you fly down to strike those sky people that is on the ground.

Jumping down you rolled and immediately got up and stretch your bow, killing everything that doesn’t belong to your clan. Everything that doesn’t belong in Pandora. Wounds opening up again, you hiss when a bullet graze your arm and when you were about to shot. Another bullet came and it hit your knee, you let out a cry even at your state you tried to strike but your consciousness is slipping away.

“Y/N!!!”

Lo’ak came in time and shot the man who was holding a gun and is pointing at you. He ran to where you are and notice that you’re breathing is slow. He click his tongue before carrying you over his shoulder and rode with his ikran. Jake instructed them to fall back as everyone from the clan starts to fly back to their home.

“Shit shit! Hang in there!”

Jumping down from his ikran with you in his arms, he ran to where his grandmother is. Mo’at saw your injured body and quickly help Lo’ak on laying down. Each time the tsahik put herbs on your wound or apply some ointment, you wince in pain.

“Help me turn her around”

Lo’ak nodded and carefully lay you on your side. Unexpectedly, you grasp on his hand when Mo’at cleaned your wound. He held your hand and wish for this to be over soon. After some minutes, the older woman is done and let you rest inside her tent.

“Watch over her. Make sure she doesn’t move or her wounds will open up again.”

He stared at you and push back some strands of your hair back on your ear, he trailed his fingers down to your face then quickly pulled away, sighing to himself.

“What are you doing Lo’ak…”

He ask towards his self. It’s still clear from his memories how he watch you mourn for your mate. He witnessed you smile so sweet towards him, how your always clinging to him. The both of you are admired in the clan for being the most skilled warriors. But now, you are slowly losing yourself.

He hates it. The way how you basically throw yourself on to the enemy. How you always comes back injured, he doesn’t remember a day ever since you lost your mate that you come back without a scratch.

“Where am I?…”

“Y/N! How are you? Grandmother said you shouldn’t get up yet.”

You tilt your head on the side a young man squat on the side. You recognize him, his the son of the olo’eyktan. The second youngest Sully.

“I am fine. I prefer resting on my own hammock.”

Lo’ak’s jaw clench as he glared at you

“It’s the tsahik’s words.”

You glared at him back and almost hiss at him but you rather not. Not wanting to be on the bad side of the Sully family.

“Then I wish to rest alo—“

“No, she also said that I look after you.”

You let out a loud sigh and turn your back at him. Maybe the words about being so stubborn is true, always giving his family a hard time in every chance he got

You let yourself drift off to sleep again thinking that by the time you’ll wake up his gone. BUT NO, his still there. Arms crossed on his chest, his head bobbing up and down as he tries to stay in position. You slowly got up and walk away from the hut not batting an eye back to Lo’ak’s sleeping figure.

——

Morning came and there’s no hunt for today. Deciding to stay in the forest until eclipse you brought foods with you, your bow on your back. You walk out from your hut and saw Lo’ak. Immediately your brows furrowed.

“Why did you leave? Where are you going? Your wounds aren’t that healed up yet.”

One thing you hate is when other people sticks their noses into other people’s business. You stood infront of him, head held up high as you scowl at him.

“The fuck you care?”

Lo’ak was hurt by your words but he didn’t show it but instead he grab at your arm and you didn’t hold back and pulled it away, hissing at him.

“Kalweyaveng! Who are you anyway?!”

You scream earning some stare from the other people, you huff and called your ikran.

“Y/N!!”

Lo’ak called out but you didn’t abide by his words and with a groan he also called his ikran. He followed you and notice that you’re going to the same spot, your spot with Atrice. He silently curse himself for being an idiot on following you. But what can he do? He doesn’t want to see you hurt anymore. Even if it makes you despise him.

You land your ikran and got down, stroking it’s head you feed it with a meat of the fish you brought with you.

“I will call for you again, Lika”

Your ikran let out a soft growl before flying away, you walk deeper and when the river showed it self before you. Dropping all your items you decided to dipped yourself. When you got up to catch some air, you notice a pair of eyes staring at you, mentally rolling your eyes. You swam towards the other part and decided to sit down and let your feet be the only thing dip on to the water.

“Why do you follow me? Did I not make my self clear?”

Lo’ak flinch. Ofcourse you know, he sighs before coming out and your already staring at his eyes. He didn’t know where to look so he settled down to look at the things you brought with you, scattered on the ground.

“Your wounds…”

“What about it?”

You replied and Lo’ak gulp before answering again

“It would be bad if you get attack and your wounds opens up again causing for you to pass out.”

You click your tongue and averted your gaze at the fish that is swimming by the river

“Nonsense. I can handle my self.”

Lo’ak’s brow twitch, he knows damn well you don’t. He looked at you and was abou to scold you but hearing the words you uttered next made him froze

“If I can’t handle my self then that means I’m showing the weak side of me.”

His fist clench tight. He wants to comfort you. Hug you. Let you know that his here. You notice that his awfully silent and you look up, you saw how he look at you. It made you remember about Atrice, he also used to look at you with that expression.

“Stop looking at me like that.”

He blink before deciding to sit down, the both of you sat in silence. The small stream and the noise it makes is the only you can hear. This place used to be your hangout spot. Atrice and you would look at the fish and tries to name them, remembering how silly you are it made you laugh and Lo’ak didn’t miss that.

He glance at you and he finally saw you smile but it was only for a second. Although it is already engraved on his mind.

“I’m sorry for my words today. I just don’t like people not respecting my personal space.”

Lo’ak shook his head and decided to dip his hands on the water, the fish immediately gathered and the man before you chuckled

“It’s okay Y/N. I’m only worried about you..”

You raise your eyebrow at him and decided to go to him. You swam towards him making the fish that is gathering on his hand swim away. You look up at him.

“Why are you worried about me?”

Your close. He can feel his legs touching your upper body, he gulp hard before looking away.

“Why not? I don’t want one of our best warriors to get injured and not be useful..”

WYou merely scoff at what he said and motion to move aside as you get yourself off from the water. Standing beside him, you squeeze the water out of your hair and turned to look at him

“Scars are nothing.” You said and Lo’ak sigh and got up, you notice that his taller than you but that didn’t let you take a step back

“Just try not to comeback injured always. It also helps my grandmother to stop worrying about you, she said you’re always the hard one to treat.”

You rolled your eyes and push him down on the river, when he swam back up he glared at you. Making you chuckle softly

“What was that for?! Can’t I get a thanks?!”

“You’re such a skxawng!”

You walk over to your things and grab the fruits, when you walk back to where you were standing. He already got out and is rambling how his all wet now.

“You’re like a baby.”

“Well if not for someone to push me on to the water.”

You smirk at him and handed the fruit, he look at you then to fruit and back to you again

“My peace offering. I said mean things to you and I didn’t even thank you for taking care of me.”

Is this the start of your friendship with him? He hopes so. He also hope this will turn into something more. The two of you sat by the river and just talk about random things. Lo’ak kept on stealing looks from you and everytime you smile, he carves it at the back of his mind. Today will be forever on his mind, you close to him. Him close to you.

“Does this mean I can enter your personal space?”

He ask and you gave it a thought

“Yeah, friends?”

You offered a hand and Lo’ak grin

“Hell yeah!”

He successfully entered your life now, your personal space. You have let him in, thinking it’s not so bad to have someone to talk to.

——

five months later

You ask Jake where is Lo’ak since you always see him causing trouble during the hunt but today the hunt went so smooth that you almost thought, Eywa must have taken some sides.

Hearing from Jake that Lo’ak was task to stay back at home and help his grandmother it made you sneered, you can’t imagine the young man grinding herbs. Lo’ak is way too energetic, too thick headed. You sometimes mistake him as Angtsík.

The war party decided to go back before eclipse, Neytiri fly beside you and told you how she’s happy that you aren’t that injured. Just a few grazes here and there. After some time you arrived back and landed your ikran. Jake dismissed you right away to have your wounds treated, you decided to go to Kiri.

You have gotten close to the Sully siblings, especially Tuk. You sometimes take her for a ride, ofcourse with the permission to Neytiri. You took a peek inside Kiri’s hut and saw she’s just finishing on patching someone’s wound so you decided to wait outside.

“Y/n? Is Kiri busy?”

You look at your side and Neteyam, he seems injured. More injured than you. You were about to reply when the person from inside got out and you look at Neteyam

“Get your self treated first. I will just go find another person.”

Before he can even reply you walk away, maybe you can patch yourself up. Deciding on that, you walk back to your tent and immediately grab the kit and started to treat yourself, tail swishing softly, your ears lay flat as you let out wince.

“You suck at treating yourself, y’know?”

Hearing that familiar voice, you look back and raise your eyebrow at him.

“Then patch me up? Make yourself useful.”

Lo’ak laugh at your words and immediately went to your side as he snatch away the kit from you. For a warrior like him, he has the talent for healing.

“You should become a healer..”

“Ha-ha-ha very funny”

You huff and slap his hand away when he suddenly press hard on the wound in your arm

“That hurt!” You said only to get a grin from him as a reply

“Such a baby”

He said and you let him continue his work, silence sit between you and him. Lo’ak can already hear his heartbeat and can only hope that you don’t.

“Aight! Done!””

You let out a sigh and stood up. You’ve already planned to go to the tree of souls today. Wanting to meet Atrice, you felt Lo’ak’s gaze so you turn to look at him.

“I’m going to Tree of Souls.”

“I just patch you up, it is best you rest for now.”

You shook your head

“No. I promise Atrice that I will visit him today”

Lo’ak can only watch you walk out and he was left there, it was only a fleeting moment but the time you guys shared, he will forever treasure it. He let you go this time, respecting your wishes.

——

You arrive at the tree of souls, taking in the fresh air you exhaled and sat down. Grabbing two roots you connected your queue and when you opened your eyes again, greeted by a flashing light. A hand touch your arm, it felt warm and you knew right away who it is

“Atrice!”

“Hello my love, you look beautiful”

Lips curve into a smile as you engulf him to a embrace. You led him closer to the river, both of you sat down and your head is resting on his shoulder.

“I notice your wounds, have you been hard to yourself?”

“I’m a warrior my love, it is my duty to do my job. That’s why it’s natural for me to get this wounds.”

You felt him shift and now you are facing him, his hands cupping your cheeks as he kiss your forehead.

“Take care of yourself. I wouldn’t want my mate to be coming back to me covered with blood”

You smiled bitterly and lean on to kiss him on the lips. It lasted to you for eternity but you were stopped when he pulled back and embrace you.

“Be happy, ma Y/N”

“Atrice?”

He smiled, wiping the tears that is streaming down from your eyes.

“I want you to be happy.”

You were about to protest when you were engulf by a light and when you came back, you saw Neytiri holding you on the shoulder. Her eyes full of emotions that is hard to describe.

She motion you to follow so you did, you immediately saw Jake along with Neteyam and Lo’ak. All of them look mad.

“What happened?”

Jake whipped his head towards your direction, he immediately put his hands over your shoulders.

“Kiri and Tuk are kidnapped. I know you might be thinking that we can do this but no… we need you. I want you to go with Neteyam and do some scout. Find where they are and make sure to report.”

Lo’ak is heavily against this and he tried to reason to his father but it didn’t work. He look at you and your eyes is full of determination. In an instant you called for your ikran

“I want to go with them dad!”

“No! You will stay with us.”

Jake said sternly and you called the attention of Lo’ak and smiled at him

“I’ll be back”

Lo’ak bit his lower lip and look away, how much more does he need to do just to prove to his father that he can also be useful?! He watch your figure disappear through the clouds together with his brother.

“Oh Eywa, please keep her safe.”

——

“Yip!”

Neteyam signaled you that you guys will be flying behind one of the rocks, your eyes caught the glimpse of the ship controlled by the sky people. You cock your head to the side and the both of you landed on one of the rocks.

“Should we call this in?“ Neteyam ask

“No, let’s get more closer.”

“But Y/N, dad said not to—“

You shook your head and told your ikran to fly again but this time you went higher. Flapping it’s wings and steadying, you grip your knife that is place on your hips. This was a bad idea to agree on this task witho V your bow. You heard Neteyam’s ikran behind your back so you extended your hand to tell him that you are landing on the rock, just above where the ship is at.

“Y/N! Let’s call this in.”

His words are firm and you nodded, you eyed the ship and notice a familiar symbol. It’s the same ship that killed your mate. You felt your blood boil. Neteyam was quick to notice the change of your expression. He looked down and curse himself when he also notice the symbol.

“Whatever you are thinking don’t do it.”

“Hah!”

You let out a frustated sigh and when Neteyam is done the both of you fly back to the camp. With your sour mood you ignored the people asking you questions.

Lo’ak saw you and approached you, he tap your shoulders but you shook him off.

“Please leave me be.”

“Bro don’t. She’s upset.”

Neteyam held his brother back and that stopped you from walking, you turned around and face the older Sully

“There was only three of them! We could have attack and take them down!”

Neteyam shake his head

“Three? Those three can easily kill you, Y/N. Our task was just to do some scout, we aren’t even sure if Kiri and Tuk is there.”

“Clues might be there… just say that you are a cowa—“

“My brother is right. They could have killed you easily. What’s up with you? Why do you always throw yourself to every danger you see? His not a coward his just worried for you. WE ARE ALL WORRIED FOR YOU! Atrice died but it doesn’t mean you will also kill yourself!! What about the people that are doing their best to keep you out from danger? What about ME who is constantly worried if you are gonna comeback injured or worse!”

Lo’ak finally catch his breath and look straight into your eyes. He saw you waver for a moment then the stern look you had is back again. He watch you walk away not bothering to answer and he rub his forehead.

“You’re madly inlove, bro..”

Neteyam pat the head of his younger brother, he salute his brother for being the most understanding man he is towards you. He just hopes that everything goes well. Two knuckleheads is quite a challenge.

——

No one saw you after the quarrel you had with Lo’ak. Everyone was wondering already on what happened, have you finally go nuts and charge on your own.

Today, Jake is planning to attack the sky people to get his daughters back. With or without you his gonna do this. Except you showed up, FINALLY, but your complexion looks off.

“I can’t let you go on this state.”

You shake your head and Jake let out a frustated sigh

“For fucks sake Y/N! Stay put because if you go, you’ll be just a burden!”

Blinking twice, you felt your chest tightened. Lips form a thin line, head hang low as you uttered a soft ‘okay’ and quickly ran away.

Jake slam his hand on the table, he might worded it wrong, he knows how close you have gotten with Kiri and Tuk. He look at his younger son and Lo’ak just nodded and went after you.

He found you sitting on a top of a tree, your tail hang low while swaying back and forth. You were hugging your knees, face buried on your folded knees.

“You know dad didn’t mean it on a bad way..”

He said and you just hum, sighing he sat down beside you and pat your shoulders.

“He might be harsh but he means well”

“I know… ugh, I don’t know what is happening to me…”

You said while wiping the tears away and you’re head is laying now on your arms. Eyes staring at the sun.

“You know… I pondered over your words and you’re right. I should not have neglected the people that just wants to keep me out from danger. All this time I thought that if I do all these things, it will keep the clan safe..”

“Yes you are keeping the clan safe but Y/N..”

He reach out to touch your cheeks and you let him. His warm palm settled on your cheek and caress your face

“At the process you are slowly killing yourself. I know losing someone you love is hard but we are here for you…”

He lingered and you turn to look at him, raising your head but his hand is still on your face

“I am here for you”

He spoke with so much sincerity, his words makes you feel safe. Moving your hands away from your knees as you use it for support and lean towards him. Your breath fanning over his face, Lo’ak look at you with half lidded eyes and the both of you and close the gap. Your soft lips met his as he let out a sigh on between kisses. You moved away and once again your body heat up

“Atrice he… he said that he wants me to be happy. Lo’ak I—“

Your vision black out and your body went limp as you crash to his chest. He quickly got a hold of you.

“Y/N? Y/N! Shit, you’re burning!!”

He carried you back and notice that the camp is practically empty, with a very few na’vi left. He decided to bring you over to his hammock. He laid you down and decided to hug your shivering body. He learned from his dad that when a person is cold, all you have to do is to be close and make sure your warmth is being transferred to them. He just hope he wakes up with you in his arms and for his sisters to be back. As much he wants to join, he just can’t leave you.

——

It’s been months now ever since that day. Kiri and Tuk is finally back, thank Eywa the fight wasn’t that big as the sky people who kidnapped them run away. As they should.

Time to time you still visit Atrice except you have a company now. Lo’ak trailing behind you as he wants to go with you. Holding his hand, you smiled at him and the both of you connected your queue to the tree of souls.

“About time!”

Atrice exclaimed seeing your hand intertwined with Lo’ak.

“Atrice!”

Both men laugh at your reaction and Lo’ak let you hug Atrice, he smiled seeing how happy you are. You have shared with him that you have told Atrice about you guys. Your ex-mate, that made the young sully laugh at the back of his skull. Back on the topic, Atrice was happy for the both of you and even threatened Lo’ak that he will beat him up on his dreams if he ever hurts you.

“Now, I know you guys must be on a date. I wouldn’t want to get on the way..”

You and Lo’ak laugh and bid your goodbyes to Atrice. When you disconnected your queues, you felt him held your hand tight. He is still courting you, it will take some time to answer him but Lo’ak made sure to let you understand that he will wait. No matter how long it takes.

“I see you, Y/N.”

“I see you… Lo’ak.”

#atwow angst #atwow fluff #atwow imagines #atwow fandom #atwow neteyam #atwow x you #neteyam #jake sully #neytiri #lo’ak #lo’ak x you #lo’ak x reader #lo’ak x y/n #lo’ak imagine #lo’ak fluff #lo’ak sully #neteyam x na'vi!reader #neteyam x you #neteyam x avatar #avatar the way of water lo’ak #avatar 2 #atwow x reader #atwow neytiri #atwow tuk #atwow smut #atwow loak #atwow fanfiction #atwow kiri #fanfiction #angst

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Bengiyo's Queer Cinema Syllabus

For those who are not aware, I have decided to run the gauntlet of @bengiyo’s Queer Cinema Syllabus and have officially started Unit 3: Faith and Religion. The films in Unit 3 are: But I’m a Cheerleader (2000), Prayers for Bobby (2009), Latter Days (2003), Blackbird (2014), The Wise Kids (2011), Henry Gamble’s Birthday Party (2015)

Today I will be writing about

Henry Gamble’s Birthday Party (2015) dir. Stephen Cone

[Run Time: 1:27, Available on: tubi, Lang: English] 

Summary: Henry Gamble, a 17-year-old preacher's son, wrestles with sexuality, alcoholism and faith during his birthday party.

Cast: *Cole Doleman as Henry Gamble *Elizabeth Laidlaw as Kat Gamble, Henry's mother *Pat Healhy as Bob Gamble, Henry's father *Nina Ganet as Autumn Gamble, Henry's sister *Patrick Andrews as Ricky Matthews, recent suicide survivor *Hanna Dworkin as Bonnie Montgomery, the most miserable woman on the planet *Francis Guinan as Larry Montgomery, Bonnie's husband

(side note, I should start keeping tallies about how many movies on this syllabus come from Wolfe production company)

___

Well, we’ve reached the end of the line for Unit 3 with this one, and I have to say, I do think I like this piece from Stephen Cone better than I enjoyed The Wise Kids. (Though, honestly, I probably owe The Wise Kids a rewatch because of where my head was at when I watched that piece.)

Now, I am not religious, and I don’t have the kind of religious trauma that I think would make some of these films speak to me more, and the thing I kind of like with Stephen Cone’s pieces is that the queerness doesn’t intersect with religion as much as religion and queerness exist in the same space, if that makes sense. Like is there some internalized homophobia going on, there is some external homophobia going on, but…The Wise Kids and Henry Gamble’s Birthday Party have seemed more like stories where there are gay, religious kids, rather than the gays (or at least main gay character) suffering under the weight of religion which films such as Prayers for Bobby and Latter Days portray. [Do not get me wrong, gays suffering under the weight of religion is still present in both films, it just feels secondary to the main thread]. 

As such, I think I found myself connecting more, and being more interested in the plot of the mother and her daughter, Autumn as well as to the portrayal of the small town, white, religious adults. Henry Gamble’s Birthday Party is extremely legible in showing what the characters are feeling without really having to say anything about it. You can tell that Henry’s mother is Straight Up Not Having A Good Time Right Now from the first second we see her on screen, you can tell there is some level of tension between her and her husband, you can tell how tenuous Ricky’s stability is from the moment he walks in the door. 

I liked how there was cross talk, and how there were references to people and to conversations that happened that we were not a part of. It makes the film seem real and lived in, I liked how easily I was able to identify the queer kids, and how I suspect a few more characters (cough cough, Jon) are queer and either not aware of it or are hiding/suppressing it. 

But more importantly, I really enjoyed how much of this film was dedicated to water and to wine.

Like, every single time these kids jumped in the pool I could think of nothing else but baptism. Every time an adult poured themselves a mug of wine, and another adult complained about it I could do nothing but think about Jesus turning water to wine, and how the sacrament is taken with wine. Yet here, in the home, the wine must be hidden, the adults can’t be seen drinking around the children, etc. 

And maybe it’s cause I’m no longer 17, but while Henry’s journey throughout the film is important, I spent more time focusing on Kat, on Ricky, and on Bonnie throughout this film. Kat just seems to be going through the routine, stuck in a life it feels like she doesn’t want or possibly never wanted, and being mostly ignored. Ricky is the subject of a lot of conversation and gossip, but no one really knows how to treat him normally after a suicide attempt, and Bonnie is the most miserable woman to ever walk the earth. 

I think what is the most notable to me is how people change over the course of the movie. In water, Henry comes to finally accept his feelings for Logan, in water the very clearly bored adults get to have some fun, those who entered the water exited with change, and those who did not remained relatively the same. The same goes for the wine. The adults that drank wine went through some sort of change, while the adults who didn’t ended up staying relatively the same. By this I mean Bonnie, because she was the only person who did not swim or drink. 

With the wine, Kat tells Autumn a secret, you know the kind that mothers only tell their eldest daughters. With the wine, Kat and Autumn heal a part of their relationship. With the wine, Larry just gets real chill with queer people real quick. With the wine, Kat and Bob end with a separation. 

So I think that was the most compelling aspect. Bonnie is judgemental about sex, porn, etc. and thusly she does not approve of swimming, because of girls being in scantily clad outfits. Bonnie is judgemental about alcohol consumption and thusly she is annoyed that her husband is sneaking wine. Bonnie does not invest in earthly pleasures, and so she is just the most miserable person by a mile and she just spends all of her time making everyone around her miserable as well. She’s just an empty person who does not know how to get out of it, and her personal perception of religion is keeping her excluded from connection and joy. In my opinion at least. 

Ricky is just a kid I feel bad for. He’s trying to get his life back on track, he’s trying to get back some sense of normalcy and instead he is gossiped about constantly and kept in the dark about whether or not he is going to be a camp counselor again. You can see him just constantly trying to hold it together, until he just stuck in the bathroom and can’t get out. Where it all falls to pieces. Now. We hear a rumor about Ricky that we have no way to corroborate, but considering this is a film about faith and religion, let’s just say that the intense self harm that Ricky participates in feels very much like he is trying to absolve himself of sins through some form of self punishment. 

Overall, I think this film was a good one to end on and I am sure it would have a lot more to say to me if I had a better understanding of religion, but this is what I kind of found. 

For/By/About 

I think this one is a By and About queer people film. I don’t think enough of the plot revolved around queerness and religion to really be for queer people. This film seemed more of a rated E for everyone situation 

Favorite Moment

By far my favorite moment of the film is Autumn and Kat talking in the car. I loved this quiet moment between mother and daughter, where Kat allows Autumn to see some of her flaws and where Kat apologizes for any harm she may have caused Autumn over the years. It’s a very vulnerable moment that brought me both sadness and joy.

Favorite Quote

“No. We’re doing it all wrong. You, you’re gay, that’s fine, the Lord made you that way, fine. Fuck it.” 

This is said by one of the older men at the party, Larry, who is piss drunk at this point. But has just witnessed Ricky exiting the party with his mother after a super massive self harm incident, and who I think comes to some pretty quick conclusions about the ways in which religion and faith can have an extremely negative impact. The scene itself does feel a little bit like when Nomi’s mother ate a really good weed brownie at Nomi and Aminita’s wedding and was suddenly cured of her transphobia in Sense8, but nevertheless it is another moment I think of showing transformation through the consumption of wine (aka Christ’s blood). 

Score

8.5/10

I enjoyed this film, found it compelling, thought there was some really great acting, and I absolutely loved how the film ends full circle with the same shot of Henry that we open the film on.

I am knocking half a point off for the fact that I had to watch a straight sex scene in this film (however brief) but there was no queer physical/romantic/sexual intimacy portrayed on screen. (Unless you want to count the masturbation scene at the very beginning of the film, but I think the jury is out on that one). 

And with this I move on to Unit 4: Heartbreak Alley, a section that I am certain will be nothing but sunshine and rainbows, and which I am unsure if I should start before or after the holidays.

#bengiyo queer cinema syllabus #queer cinema syllabus #henry gamble's birthday party #henry gamble's birthday party (2015) #unit 3 #unit 3: faith and religion

[delicateflowerss]

Chapter One: The Dagger in Me (Michael Langdon x Reader)

The Angels Are Watching Masterlist

While Michael is searching for corrupted souls for his new world, a student at a catholic school catches his attention. Years later, you find yourself at the sanctuary with no answers on why you've been put there. When Michael arrives, he reminds you of your past together. All while, making your present life a living nightmare.

Warnings: 18+. This chapter contains some dark themes. Chapters after this will only get darker.

Reader is 18 when she is at the catholic school.

A/N: This story has been posted on AO3 for a while but I'm finally posting it on Tumblr.

She looks down at the piece of red meat on her plate. People around her are laughing and talking loudly amongst themselves. They shovel food into their mouths without a care in the world. Why can’t she forget her troubles like these people can?

She furrows her brow and glances around the room. She sees him sitting at a table across the way. He’s surrounded by people gazing at him with their mouths agape and their eyes glazed over. They act like he can turn water into wine. But he probably can. She notices the way the candlelight casts a glow onto his sharp features. A woman sitting next to him leaves her hand on his upper arm, then casts it downward. Y/n moves her eyes back to her plate. She jabs a fork into the meat and watches the bloody juice seep out of it.

She’s been in this sanctuary for about 18 months now. She thought she was getting used to it. She was one of the first people to arrive here after the bombs dropped. Over the coming months more and more people showed up. None of them seemed like good people. But then again, she didn’t feel like a good person either. She wondered why was it that she was spared from doomsday. She knew that while she was stuffing her face with perfectly handcrafted cream puffs, there were people deteriorating from the radiation up top in the real world. Probably having to resort to cannibalism and trying to not trip over the corpses strewn everywhere.

After a while, life in the sanctuary became mundane. She ate delicious food, had warm baths, started to wear gowns, and slept on silk sheets. Actually, it was better than her life before. But she got used to the routine. She got used to being spoiled but never truly happy. She was missing something. She couldn’t form any relationships. Everyone else seemed genuinely happy, while all she could think about was the possibility of never feeling the sun on her skin again. Maybe she was missing someone, but she would never admit that. She just thought that in the case of the apocalypse, no one should be as happy as these rich fuckers were.

She was relaxing on a red chaise lounge chair. A book in hand while the candelabra nearby illuminated the words on the pages. Her gown was riding up above her knees, but she was too engrossed by the novel to notice. Footsteps rang out and then voices.

“How was your rest, Mr. Langdon? You’ve been travelling for such a long time.”

“I slept well.” He let out a short sigh. “It was much needed.”

“I may be mistaken, but I thought you were supposed to bring another here with you. From Outpost 3?”

The sounds were becoming louder, and she finally registered that people were coming down the hall. Some time passed before he answered.

“That fell through, since she’s obviously not here.”

His voice was cold, not completely void of emotion but just holding back. As her eyes scanned the page, the thought that she knew that voice made it so that she couldn’t comprehend anything she was reading. As the men came closer, she was scared of what she would find when she looked up.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” The man quickly changed the subject. “We are so happy to finally have you here, Mr. Langdon. We will start using the just finished church, hopefully later today….”

The man continued talking as she finally lifted her eyes up. She found that he was already looking at her, eyes piercing through her soul. One side of his mouth curved up almost to taunt her. She knew she looked surprised and maybe even scared. The fact is she was. His eyes moved down to her legs. His smirk grew. She quickly noticed what he was looking at and fixed the bunches in her dress. He finally moved his line of sight to the man talking and didn’t look at her again.

This was a week ago and now she’s the most miserable she’s ever been in the sanctuary. The mundanity of her days has been ruined. Instead, she’s constantly looking over her shoulder. Even when she just wants to stroll through the maze of corridors and look at the art they saved from the old world. She can’t even enjoy her meals anymore. She can’t stand the people gawking at him. There’s a young woman that’s always next to him, whispering in his ear. She thinks her name is Elena. She wants to scream. She feels stupid for thinking he didn’t have anything to do with this, that this place wasn’t full of a bunch of soul selling devil worshippers.

She could barely stomach the steak that she ate in a hurry. She just wanted to get out of there. She doesn’t feel relaxed until she is under her sheets. She then drifts off to sleep, trying not to think about what Michael is doing before he goes to bed.

She doesn’t see Michael at breakfast. She thought she would be elated to not have to see his face. But instead, she’s left wondering where he really is. She tries to savor her stack of pancakes, but she’s interrupted by an announcement.

“Everyone must report to the church after breakfast. This will be most peoples’ first time in the newly constructed church and Mr. Langdon has a special announcement for you all.”

It’s the same man that was with Michael when she saw him a week ago. He must be Michael’s lackey. After the announcement, she puts down her fork and doesn’t pick it back up. Even though there’s half a stack of pancakes left on her plate.

She sits down while others file into the church. She notices the inverted cross at the front and her stomach does a somersault. She looks around the room and sees people trying to hold back their excitement of what’s to come. Everyone quiets as she sees Michael starting to walk between the rows of pews. It makes her think of the first time she saw him.

Girls in plaid skirts all tried to quiet down as the head nun stood at the front with a scowl on her face. Sunlight shone through the windows and landed on the cross at the front of the church. The sun was also beating down on her. She remembers feeling like she was sweltering and wishing the sun would just disappear. She just wanted to get through this stupid mass. She’s always had a difficult relationship with religion and God. Especially as of late. Her parents forced her to go to church since she could remember. She tried to believe in God, just like she tried to be good. But when she was 12, her mother caught her rewinding the sex scene in Titanic. So, she was sent away to an all-girls catholic boarding school located deep in the woods. She was 18 now and she still wasn’t sure that watching the sex scene from Titanic was a sin. At least she would be graduating soon.

The sound of the big wooden door opening, and closing snapped her out of her thoughts. She looked back and saw that a man had walked in. He wore all black except for a white collar around his neck. He walked down the aisle between the many girls that eyed him up and down. She knew she hadn’t seen a priest that attractive before. Most priests gave her the creeps, she thought it was sad that someone would devote their life to something that may not exist. His blonde curls and his angular face made him look like a character right out of the bible. He turned around to look at everyone from the front of the church. She then noticed his icy blue eyes. His brow drooped low which made him look sinister. If he was a character from the bible, he probably wasn’t one of the good guys.

“Ladies, this is Father Michael Langdon. He is a new priest here at Emily Gray’s. He will be helping Father Gabriel with mass and also will be tutoring any girls who need it.”

She knew that he would be spending most of his time tutoring since everyone would want help from him. Michael gave a courteous smile to the head nun and then proceeded to glance around the room. She couldn’t help but look at him while he was doing this. He got to her part of the room and locked eyes with her.

She realizes that Michael has already made his way to the front, and he is looking right at her. It’s almost the same look that he had given her on that day at Emily Gray’s. But this time Michael has the ghost of a smirk on his lips. She knows he’s a monster and all he wants to do is taunt her. Michael looks around the room and begins to speak.

“I know all of you have been waiting patiently for this church to be built. Also waiting for me to finally arrive at this sanctuary. All of this so we can start the new world.”

He pauses for dramatic effect. She tries her hardest not to roll her eyes.

“I will speak more about how this new world will go on. But first, I would like to formally introduce my fiancée, Elena.”

A woman from the pew at the front gets up to stand next to Michael. Everyone politely claps, except y/n. Elena plants a kiss on Michael’s cheek and rests her hand on his arm. She knows that everyone wants to be her, because she’s the one who gets to possess him.

“We plan to be wed in one month,” he says over the clapping.

Y/n notices that his eyes are going everywhere but to her. It’s like she doesn’t exist to him anymore.

#michael langdon #michael langdon x reader #ahs apocalypse #ahs #american horror story

[lestappenforever]

Hello gorgeous! It’s timefor my brainrots:

So, you probably don’t know that, but here in Brazil most of f1 fans HATE max. Interlagos is a nice race but the environment is so TOXIC for Max and his fans, mostly because of Hamilton’s fanbase. Charles’ fans around here started to spread hate towards max too and they blatantly lie about Max and Charles’ relationship. They refuse to believe that max is a good person who doesn’t have a real heat with anyone on the grid (including Hamilton, Russell and ocon). They assume Charles despise max because he’s such a “despicable” man, awful driver and so on. I’m glad that he’ll clinch the title before my home race, I can’t stand the booing, the swearing, it’s so saddening.

More lap dance fics should be written in ao3, just read a carlando one and 🫣🫣🫣 really fucking good.

I’ve made an orange money piece in my hair. My best friend, fiancé and a few friends loved it, so I grew fond of it too. Pic to illustrate at the bottom 🫡

Anyways, I’ve caught a nasty cold and I’m annoyed because I keep sneezing. It’s so hot in here and that’s fucking annoying too. I’m on my pms so EVERYTHING IS ANNOYING!!! I want burgers.

Hope you have a nice day, I love you and you’re so special 🖤🖤

My goth girl look 🫣

Beautiful Evie, my love, my light, my universe. ❤️

I'm unfortunately aware of the hate Max tends to receive in Brazil, and I just find the whole thing so sad. It's so tragic that other drivers' fanbases can possess and express that amount of hate towards aother driver. But there seems to be a consensus among every Max hater out there, no matter who their favorite driver is, that they will do whatever they can to paint him as a bad guy even if they have no legitimate reason to believe that he is. It's especially bad with Charles fans and Max haters, because Lestappen is such a massively popular ship in the F1 fandom, and that part of the fandom are just desperate to create a narrative that doesn't exist in a desperate attempt to put distance between their favorite driver and their favorite driver to hate.

I just find the whole thing so sad, because what kind of life do you lead if you're that obsessed with trying to convince yourself and others that two people who clearly like each other, who genuinely respect and admire each other, actually can't stand each other? It's just really sad to watch, and kind of pathetic, if I'm being honest.

I agree with the lapdance fics, because there aren't nearly enough of them out there.

And Evie. Babe. Love of my life. Your hair (and you) looks absolutely beautiful! The color suits you so well, and you look stunning. 💕

I'm so sorry to hear about your cold, and that it crashes with your PMS. That and the heat is just a terrible combination. I hope you recover quickly and feel much better soon!

I love you, you're wonderful, and I hope you'll have a lovely weekend. 🤍

#Asks #killingevie #Lestappen asks #My tag for “Evie is the queen of my heart and my sunshine forever”

[hiddenwashington]

yearly disclaimer that this is going to be LONG but i promise it’s GOOD!!!

hello my beloved hidden, it is my favorite day of the entire year, the year that i get to celebrate all of YOU. that i get to express my almost overwhelming gratitude to all of you incredible members, to my dear best friends on the admin team, to all the past members who still resonate within the heart of hidden. somehow, someway, hiddenwashington turns FIVE YEARS OLD today, and i am already in tears writing that sentence and we’ve just gotten started. when i started hidden, in some sleep deprived delirium at 2am five years ago (and then hitting the tags at 5am that same morning), i never once imagined i would still be here even a year, let alone 5 years later, still loving and cherishing every single moment i get to spend here. it has been the most rewarding, challenging, downright hysterical and overwhelmingly beautiful experience of my life to your head admin, to be the one that gave you all this special place to be unapologetically you. and you all have done that, whatever that means for you, you have been the reason that hidden is still here five years later. this place would never be the same without your influence. to whatever member is reading this, please know that i mean that, hidden would be so incredibly different without you as a piece of our history. i know that i sound a little cliché when i say that hidden is my home and yours, that you will always have a home in washington, but i mean it. i have never not meant that. this place is so special, it is a home to those who need it, a place to explore yourselves, to explore your characters, to create these incredible moments in writing, in the chats-- seriously, i cannot imagine a better place with a better group of people. i know i’m sappy, but like, members, i genuinely mean it, that you make this place as good as it is. we are so beyond lucky to have such talent on our dashes, to have such dedicated people writing. the replies that i read every day just blow me away. and that goes for any member-- to those who have been here for ten minutes, or ten months, who have been here since the very beginning, or those who left us, you are all some of the sweetest, most talented writers i have ever met. hidden is the warm and welcoming place because of all of you, because you all look out for each other. it doesn’t matter if you have spoken to someone for two minutes or two years, if you have no canon connections or whatever, you are all so warm and caring about each other. the community you guys create, it’s home. i have never laughed so hard in my life, than with some of the conversation we have had in the discord, i am constantly inspired by your writing on the dash, the development you all can create for your characters, it’s something that should be published for the entire world to see. if i could scream my love for you all from the mountain tops, just for a chance for the world to know how wonderful you are, i would. it’s my yearly duty to swap between tired mom, to proud mom. so please, give me a few moments to absolutely gush about the admin team that helps me stay even remotely sane every day. i’m so deadass when i say that they are some of the best admins in the entire world, the amount of work they put into the group, into all of the decisions that are made-- you only see a fraction of the work that i have the joy of watching in real time, but they really are as good as it gets and i need them to know how thankful i am for them. and friends, you only have to deal with me being this sappy like once a year so, deal, while i highlight all of you xoxo !!! gotta start with a shoutout to the other half of my brain, my right hand man, probably the only reason hidden is still going bc without them i’d have gone insane by now, sunny-- just thank you? like genuinely, sincerely, thank you. for everything. for allowing me to be unapologetically myself, for allowing your dms to be my space to vent, to joke, to dump a million messages, for helping solve every single issue that has come up, for sticking by my side for five full years now, for being such a genuine friend, for being the best dm out there-- like damn you put up with so much bullshit from us how have you not TPK’d us earlier. thank you for being the voice of reason, for being the nice admin, for calming everything when i want to just give up and throw my hands up in the air. i love you, like more than you know, more than i need to say. you’re p cool. ollie, my beloved, please, i’m begging you to use this anniversary to TAKE A BREAK. the fact that you have joined the team, having never been an admin before, and have become one of the best we’ve ever had is so impressive, i forget that you haven’t even been on the team an entire year. you put in so much work, you are the force we lean on (maybe sometimes too much, pls i promise ill make sure you get a break), you dedication to the main is awe inspiring and i cannot express how thankful i am to you for being here. for putting in as much work as you do. for being an admin for less than a year and being our top tag ???? insanity. but really, we would not keep going most days without you ollie, i hope you know it never goes unappreciated. i love you a lot, thank you. seriously. i don’t know if i can say it enough to express how much i mean that. aria, a powerhouse, an icon, the real owner of the brain cell, i seriously don’t think the main would be half as functioning or well researched without you. you somehow, always, end up finding the answers that we need, your knowledge of faceclaims is unmatched and i wanna be you when i grow up. minus the minion love but it’s forgivable today and today alone. your ability to solve so many issues that arise is incredible, and i hope you know how thankful i am for every minute you spend working on the main, answering fc suggestions and everything. also your icons are always the highlight of my day, i hope you know how loved you are, by me. specifically. idc about everyone else, i love you, thank you so much my friend ♥ cherry !! yet another majority shareholder of the team dumbass brain cell. i know i can always count on you to write the best messages to send out to people, to always know how to word things and almost decipher what we’re all trying to say when we’re just yelling. i am always so impressed by you, cherry, you are sincerely one of the most genuine, kindest people i have ever met, and you also know when to put your foot down, how to not take shit, like i really know we can always count on you to be there when we need the support. thank you, for everything, i love you. jodie, the absolute heart of the team, seriously, you are just everyone’s biggest supporter (even when its for the dumbest ideas) and i know you are always ready to throw down if someone is struggling. you are simply the most loving people i have ever gotten the pleasure to know, and i hope, similar to ollie, you take this anniversary to catch a break, and by that i MEAN GO TO BED AT A HUMAN TIME. but seriously, you are the heart of team dumbass and we would not be as close of a team without you and your laughing fits bc you did something you know is gonna get both of us yelled at. i love you so much, thank you. and finally, kasey, who does not wish to be perceived but they don’t get that choice today. the fire in our hearts, and it’s not just a pyro joke. you are the first to spot problems, but always know the solution, to be able to fix an issue before it even becomes one. i am genuinely so proud of you, and everything that you do, you have been so important in helping hidden become what it is today, even if half of it is from us yelling at each other, only to end with everyone yelling at us for being The Worst. i wouldn’t want anyone else to be my partner for our patrol. thank you for always being so incredibly genuine and loving the moment you know someone needs that. i love you so much friend, you know that. now back to bullying all of you because this was too long, too much, but seriously. hidden, you don’t know how lucky you are. i barely even realize how lucky i am sometimes. nothing has been as rewarding as being your head admin. and i love each and every one of you. thank you for allowing me this space, for being the best group of people i have ever met. here to hidden’s 5th year, and every year after that! i love all of you. 

much much love always, admin maig ♥

#hidden5ever #admin maig #hw: admin #long post tw #no im so deadass this is too long #but also i am very full of love today i promise ill go back to being annoying tomorrow

[solar--system]

⚠️Vent Warning⚠️

I keep being reminded of a toxic relationship and I want to get everything off my chest about it. I finally have all the memories pieced together. Something’s mentioned will be triggering.

We used to have an IRL friend with DID. They are actually what caused us to realize we had DID. We used to live together. I got kicked out by my parents and moved in with them. We did everything together. But in the end something changed. We both had our own issues going on, considering both of our disorders, as well as depression, autism, anxiety, the stress of relationships and jobs. It didn’t help that our old host, Quinn, struggled with talking about his problems, with setting boundaries. We’re still learning how to do that, and it’s a real struggle. Our boundaries felt foolish to Quinn. He brought them up as suggestions, not bothering to protest when boundaries were broken. He only considered the issue a minor thing and would move on with life, until it happened again. And again and again and again. In his defense he tried to lay out the boundary better. But new reasons came up to push back against our boundary.

“I’m not feeling well.” “I didn’t take my meds.” “I’m dissociated.” “My tics are acting up.”

And how can you argue against any of that. Our boundaries were broken because of another person’s disability. We just had to accept that, and do what we could. But what could we do?

Here Aspen came into play. If we help our friend manage their disabilities better, then we could focus on managing our own. For a couple of months Aspen played caretaker for our friend. Not that the friend asked for us tot ale care of them, but they didn’t complain when the nightly reminders of meds began. When they came home to a clean and organized room. When their laundry was folded and put away. There were two instances that caused our friend to be unhappy with our caretaking.

1. When it required them to stop playing a game, watching a movie, laying in bed. Often times this would be when Aspen would remind them to shower, eat, take meds, drink water. Although it occasionally would come up with less important things, plans we had made together or with friends, playing with our pets, removing their demon cat from my path.

2. Anytime cleaning was brought up. Aspen was allowed to clean to pups heart content. But if pup ever suggested our friend pitch in, an argument would begin.

While Aspen began fronting more to help take care of our friend, James also started fronting more, although he locked our emotions down after we’d gotten stressed to the point of breaking down. James no longer liked our friend. He didn’t mask that fact very well. We hadn’t figured out we were a system at the time. When Quinn would front all he would know is that he wasn’t happy with the relationship we had with our friend. Between a budding hatred, the overwhelming need to take care of our friend, and the heartbreaking desire to keep this friendship.

The arguments grew more frequent. Friendly chats became short, the distance between us grew, and although we lived together we found ways to hang out with people without one another.

I’m sure it didn’t help when the friends we found outside of one another were getting over a bad breakup, so I’d hang out with my new friend and hear about all the shitty things their friend did or said, only to come home to find our old friend hanging out with them. We didn’t know how or if we should broach their hangout time. It became more unclear when we began speculating that they discussed us on occasion. Our old friend had shooed us away from their conversation once, after hearing a bit talking about our relationship. We decided we didn’t want to listen in again. Feeling hated by our old friend, and an ex friend who we weren’t quite sure how we felt about.

We had stopped having our own interests while we lived with this friend. Everything we did we did together, and more often then not it was stuff our friend liked to do. Sometimes because that’s what they decided, others because we couldn’t decide. We’d listen to them rant about special interests we didn’t care about. Play games, watch videos, do crafts, or go out based on what they wanted to do. So when the distance appeared, that was the first thing James took back.

We began watching our own shows and videos, playing our own games, going out on our own time. Having a special interest helped. We had something to focus on, intensely focus on, besides our relationship with our friend. But still we weren’t happy. The boundaries just kept getting broken, and at this point Quinn had stopped voicing his protest.

Eventually we decided to move out. The plan was to move out of state with family. To start over again, but before we could manage that we had to move in with another relative in state. We packed up our things, after discussing it with our friend, and left. That was about two years ago now. I’ve only messaged/been messaged by that friend twice since I left.

Quinn isn’t huge on ministry possessions, but he does appreciate being remembered, so when his birthday came and went, and a couple days passed with no word from our friend, who had seemed alright with our leaving, it upset Quinn. And that feeling festered inside of us until a couple days later when our friend reached out to check in on us. We never responded.

This move caused us to pull away from our entire friend group. People who were once a quick drive away now felt countries away. We didn’t want to make them choose between us and our friend, so instead we stepped away. Only to find that our friend planned to move to out of state. Before we knew it they were gone, and we had decided to stay. Life with this relative wasn’t fun or easy. The good days were great. The bad days were awful, and most days would find themselves somewhere along that spectrum. More often then not meeting the awful end. Domestic abuse, animal abuse, insults, rage, death threats, coercion and peer pressure. We was offered alcohol, weed, and other drugs, some of which we took, others we refused. This is where we learned of our system.

We lived like this for the better part of a year before we needed an escape. We reached out to our old friend group, worried that we would be blamed for the sudden move of our old friend. But thankfully we were welcomed back with open arms. And after a drunk and tearful conversation with the friend who had been closest to me and our old friend, we sent out a message to our old friend. Saying that we should try talking again.

The response we got from our friend was that we needed to apologize to them if we wanted them to even consider letting us back in their life. This frustrated us. We didn’t think we had done anything wrong, but wanting to be the bigger person, we apologized. Saying that we were sorry for how thing got towards the end. That neither of us were happy and it shouldn’t have ended that way. And that we were sorry. It wasn’t enough though, and we are to filled with pride to apologize twice for something we don’t believe in. And that was the last time we spoke.

That was over a year ago now but occasionally this friend comes to mind. We went through a lot together. I miss them. And I hate them. And I love them. I blame myself for a lot of it, and I hope that comes across. There were many things that could’ve been done differently. Maybe if we said something here or did something there things would’ve been better. I can’t convince myself that they hurt me, because there will always be a part of us that believes we are completely at fault. That we should’ve apologized for more. That we twist the way situations happen in our head to make ourselves the victim.

We’re so scared of that idea that we’d rather become the problem. So we didn’t say anything. To our friends, our family, hell, most of the system didn’t know the full story until now.

Occasionally we’d check up on our old friend through social media. They seemed happy. Which both infuriated and broke us. Tormented by questions of why they got to be happy, while we were still depressed? Why they were so happy without us? It wasn’t often that we checked up on them. Only when we wanted to feel that heartbreak again. Remind ourselves that people can be happier without us in their lives.

Quinn went dormant not long after. He hasn’t fronted in over a year. It was hard for us to adapt. No one wanted to be host, or was successful at being host, so we fronted when we were needed. Some alters fronted longer than others, maybe days at a time, but then they wouldn’t front again for another couple of days, a week if lucky. Overtime new alters formed, believing themselves to be the new host, but each time they’d wind up fronting for a period only to switch out for longer. House is the first host we’ve had in a year.

I keep thinking about our old friend because our friend group has a new friend who looks very similar. Recently we noticed this friend is closer to the friends our old friend was closer too. Old friends best friend besides me is new friends best friend. And just once in a while they’ll appear on my socials my heart will stop… Because I think it’s my old friend and I don’t know what I feel in this moment but I’m pretty sure it can be summed up as panic.

I love you. I miss you. I hate you. I wish we’d never met. I hated you for how you needed me. How you loved me. I was scared you’d give up, you’d die if I left, because that’s what you’d told me long before our relationship became like this. And now you’re better off without me… I hate you. I miss you.

I don’t know if I’d want to talk with them again. To be a part of their life, or have them as a part of ours. But there’s also a part of me that hopes they read this and recognize me. That we can fix what we had an make things better. I don’t know if I’d even give it the chance.

I hate the panic we get from thinking of you, when memories of you resurface in my everyday life. I hate the way my heart drops and my blood runs cold. I hate the ache of know it’s not you and that you don’t think of me anymore. I hate the way you make me feel. Yet I miss you.

I got kind of blurry while writing this, so I’m not sure if it all makes sense or if things are phrased weird. I’m not sure if this is all feeling or if some of it is writing just to fill in space. We might read it some day. When we think of our friend again. Not today at least. Today it hurts too much.

#actually did #actually dissociative #did community #dissociative alters #dissociative identities #endo dni #osddid #traumagenic did #traumagenic system #did osdd #vent #vent post #personal vent #tw vent #system #dissociative system #did system #system stuff #system vent

[bomberqueen17]

steady upward trend-ish

Dude’s symptoms improve by the day; he’s returned to work (remotely), though he is still in isolation on the porch.

I want to sit out there with him it’s the nicest part of the house. he was like “i know that’s why i was gonna stay in the living room, you should sit out here where it’s nice,” which, like, aw, that’s sweet, but bruh i fully do have to spend several hours a day in the kitchen doing all the cooking and washing-up, it’s not like I could sit out there that much anyway.

I have pulled up a chair outside so I keep going out there to sit and shoot the shit with him. That seems sensible. He’s still coughing a bit, so he figures he’ll wait another day or two, and then try taking a rapid test before he takes his mask off around me or like, goes to pick up takeout or anything.

I am working from home today and I’ve been at it for 5.5 hours so far and have transferred twelve ostensibly half-hour videos, and edited two of them. Yes! I realized I have Adobe Premier CS 5.5 on my old computer and guess what it can do, yes it can combine and trim and export .mp4 files, and that is all I need. So this old laptop may wind up with a new lease on life, actually. Not that I’m willing to donate it to work, hell no, but if it makes it so I can do all this work from home easily and not need to go in to work much at all, then I’m gonna do the shit out of that.

I have watched, by the way, two separate live births in these home movies, which like-- I super don’t get why people record that. But I hope this family is delighted to have that footage accessible to them again.

(The one was labeled that. “[Childname]’s Live Birth” as opposed to her egg-hatching? or being laid as an egg? IDK! This is a foreign culture to me.)

Hip is real bad lately so I’ve started riding my recumbent exercise bike. The batteries died in it so it lost the 500 miles I had on the odometer, so I’m starting fresh. I rode five miles on it the other day with no batteries in it, and those will forever not count, alas.... so, four miles down, 496 to go.... It seems to help; the muscles around the hip get painfully tight but 15 minutes on the bike loosens all that up and helps it sort of settle where it’s supposed to be. Yes I’m going to see a doctor soonish, but I know that the first thing they’ll say is “have you tried exercising” and the second will probably be “have you tried losing weight” and the third thing will be “let me know if it doesn’t get any better” after not giving me any more advice, this is my lifelong experience with doctors who won’t attempt to address a condition until the second time you complain about it, so I do want to turn up with 1) this is the problem, 2) these are the times it happens, 3) these are the solutions I have already tried. It’s worth a shot!

(For the record, the single worst thing I can do to my hip is sleep on either side, my front, or my back. The second-worst thing I can do is certain solo adult activities, which are now Illegal; who knew a hip joint could be a prude! Partnered is fine for some reason though, which is.... weird, but for obvious reasons that is currently Not Available to me. Alas.)

I’ve also been doing a bit of sewing. Now that I can edit videos it’s not quite the end of the world if I leave the room and come back and the half-hour tape ended at 21 minutes. I can just trim the deadspace off! (less than 5 minutes I won’t bother fixing but more than that, I figure a customer deserves not to have that to deal with.) So I set a timer and vanish to the basement for 15 minutes, and then I come back up and work on hand-sewing at the table for the last 10 minutes of the tape. I’ve cut out the pieces for one of those boyfriend pillows, and I’m assembling a dress i cut out ages ago. The fact that I can see and smell the outdoors and the weather has been lovely is making this also much more pleasant. And since I’m tied to the kitchen so much, I’ve been keeping up on dishes and cooking a lot. Which is awesome!

The downside is that it’s very easy and addictive to hyperfocus on the next video, the next video, the next video, so I worked 12 hours yesterday and will probably do the same today. It’s fine, I know my boss would be pissed to pay overtime, so I’m just going to take a bunch of this week’s hours and report them for next week, which is awesome. (Am I going to make it so I work 6 hours or less every day so they don’t deduct the half-hour lunch breaks they don’t pay me for that I never take? Maybe. Well I’m not taking the breaks, I’m chained to my watch and I’ve had multiple meals go cold because they were ready but I had to change out the tape.)

Anyway-- today I did take a break, actually, and I spent it sitting in the drive-thru pharmacy line at Rite Aid, to get a proper PCR test. I want negative results before chicken day on Tuesday, so I can be positive I won’t expose anyone. The rapid tests have all been negative but I have multiple friends who’ve tested negative on those but still been contagious, which is what I’m worried about-- I will trust a negative rapid test for Dude because he’s had one come out positive, but I feel like some people just for whatever reason don’t hold the virus in the right place for the rapid test, or just don’t-- vibe with it or whatever. IDK, I’m no scientist, I just know I wanted a Real Test for the chicken crew.

Yes yes I’ve also been writing but that has been sort of scattered. I should have a chapter update for tomorrow though.

#about the author #life update #that quarantine lyfe

[gaypanic97]

So, I’m a true crime fan, which I know is something we’re all sick of hearing at this point in the game. But it’s true. I like watching crime documentaries just like I like watching historical documentaries—it’s interesting and tragic and informational. Dramatizations are not as much my forte, unless you count Netflix’s Mindhunters. That show is great, but almost every other true crime drama show I’ve watched just made me feel icky. (Hence why I haven’t watched the Dahmer thing yet. Feels… gross.)

That being said, I have never really looked into the true crime community on tumblr. The tiktok ones can be pretty insufferable at times, though, so I decided to see if there were some cool research-based posts/blogs on here. And there were.

To get to those, however, I had to sift through an ungodly amount of fan-club blogs of some sick motherfuckers. Namely, the Columbine shooters and Adam Lanza. Icons of those assholes. What are you saving the icons for? Edits made with captions about how handsome they are or intelligent and god knows what else. What the actual fuck, man?

Frankly, I’m confused. Why is there this weird, cult like obsession with those pricks online? Is this a new thing, or am I just late to the party here? Columbine was almost 24 years ago now. Sandy Hook was ten. I’m so confused why people have started worshipping these guys?

Why them, too? A bunch of pathetic, sickening, psychotic losers? And I know what some of you are thinking. It’s language and treatment like that that made them into the monsters they became. Yes. Bullying is terrible. It shouldn’t happen. It can destroy lives. But those pieces of shit lost any chance of sympathy from me the moment they started killing other children. In Adam Lanza’s case, elementary grade kids who never did fucking shit to him.

I get pissed off over all the mass shooters, serial killers, rapists, etc. As someone whose family was torn apart by a murder years ago, I fucking hate those guys. I don’t care about their background. I don’t care that their childhood sucked. I don’t care that they felt alone. I don’t fucking care. Should someone have stepped in to help before the crimes were committed? Yes. When you see behavior like that, you acknowledge the red flags and try to prevent escalation. But I don’t buy the post-arrest confessions, teary trial apologies, or sob story suicide letters. You had a choice. You came from shit, you lived through shit, and you could’ve chosen to be better than that. Better than your family life. Better than the bullies. Better than your fucking diagnosis. You had a choice, and you decided to fucking kill innocent children.

And as much as the murders piss me off, I think that the murder apologists are even worse. You know this asshole killed/tortured/raped people? Actual people. Real life, breathing people with lives and families and futures and dreams. They killed them brutally, and you want to talk about them being misunderstood or relatable? Fuck right off. No way. Get the fuck out of here. Find a new obsession, a new hero, a new fixation. Liking fictional film/television/book villains is one thing—that shit is fake, and I get it. But now you’re romanticizing real life murderers and rapists and necrophiliacs and goddamn cannibals (see Dahmer comment above)?? I am astounded and disgusted and fucking sick.

Grow the fuck up. If you met Adam Lanza, Eric Harris, or Dylan Klebold while they were alive, you wouldn’t have been able to “fix” them or whatever. There would’ve been no romantic bullshit. You would’ve just been another victim. So, maybe you should consider the kids killed and the families whose lives were ruined instead of the twisted, insane, nasty motherfuckers who pulled the trigger?

Jesus, fuck. I’ve never angry posted before, but here you go.

#true crime #what the fuck #pissed #what is this shit #true crume #ugh anyway

[alluringkyu]

14TH NOVEMBER, 2023 ; 7:18PM - 7:32

life is not made for me, for the Lord has cursed me with nothing but an endless cycle of disappointments that i cannot escape. “life gets better” is a sentence of encouragement that, as each year passes, seems to be more of a lie covered by faux joy. just as i start to gain confidence in my future, just as life starts to turn around, here comes the universe with different plans. each and every time. what have i done to deserve such a foul life?

what have i done to deserve such abuse by the hands of my own family who i was taught should love me endless regardless of how i come to be? what have i done to have a lover use their manipulation against me to begin causing fear in any type of sexual intimacy? what have i done to be given the life i have? why couldn’t i have been blessed in any other manner? where are my blessings? because although i should treat being alive and well as one, under my conditions my gratefulness cannot be found on the surface. although extremely grateful, i cannot live on like this.

i pray to stay with my friends, i pray to see their growth and stay with them for as long as life had allowed me to till our old age. to watch sunsets together, joking about how old we have gotten as each year passes. watch our wrinkles form. thank them each year for this existence with a present and a piece of cake of their choosing. to be youthful together, fulfill our promises made to one another.

my dear friends i am sorry. you were the only thing in my life that kept me going for so long. the only real blessings in my life. the only people who kept me feeling okay. like everything would be okay. like i would be okay. like everything would work out. i’m sorry if i disappointed you, but please feel free to forget my existence. i am sorry.

#please forgive me #i’m sorry #i can’t keep living like this #may the Lord bless you all #i miss you already

[fvkophelia]

𝕠𝕡𝕙𝕖𝕝𝕚𝕒 𝕖𝕧𝕒𝕟𝕤 - 𝕥𝕒𝕤𝕜 𝟘𝟘𝟙

On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?

“Are we being like funny about this or serious?” She questions them back, waiting for her prompt before pulling on her sweetest smile. “I really don’t think life could get much better right now, ten for sure.” 

Describe yourself in a hashtag?

“okay then.... i’d say #beauty&brains.” 

If you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be?

“If I could do one with anyone? Honestly the stakes are high here you know, I’m going to say my man Tom Hardy. I could rough it up for a while.”

If your life was a musical, what would the marquee say?

“You’re going to have to tell me what one of those is.” 

What’s one thing people don’t know about you? 

“Literally nothing, Hollywood is so busy these days.” 

What’s your wakeup ritual?

”Wake up - coffee. I wouldn’t talk to me or wake me up without a cup in you’re hand if you’re intending on our encounter being nice.” 

What’s your go to bed ritual?

”I have a whole bunch of skin care I do, I like to read a book, I’m cute I know, then I probably...wait kids might watch this. Then I get myself in bed and have a nice nights sleep.” 

What’s your favorite time of day?

”Who came up with these questions, there is no one that wants to know this about me. But fine, when I’m still awake to see it, that moment just before the sun rises when everything is still quiet.” 

What is one thing no one knows about you?

”Didn’t I just answer this?” 

Dream country to visit?

”Dubai, now that’s a place that knows how to treat you like royalty.”  

What’s the biggest surprise you’ve had?

”Learning I am not my parents pride and joy, your sister being a nurse is a real hardship when she’s off being a goody two shoes.” 

Comfy shoes or dress shoes?

”Dress shoes, always.” 

Vintage or new?

”You can’t make me pick and I won’t.” 

Who do you want to write your obituary?

”Martha, that woman will outlive me I swear to god.” 

Style icon?

”I’m a model, I will not answer that question, do you know how much hastle I would get if I picked?” 

What are three things you can’t live without?

”Really good....bedroom partners, my morning mocha and my ice roller, I swear by it.” 

What’s one ingredient you put in everything?

“Cheese, I will find a way to have it with cereal one day.” 

What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for?

”I wouldn’t, if I cooked they’re going to all end up dead either way.” 

What’s your biggest fear in life?

”Not doing enough.”

Window or aisle seat?

”I fly first class, what makes you think I have to chose?” 

What’s your current TV obsession?

”Yellowstone. Have you seen those Cowboy’s, wouldn’t mind saving a few horses if you know what I mean?” 

Favorite app?

”Tiktok.” 

Secret talent?

”I can whistle the titanic theme tune start to finish and not miss a single note.” 

Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life?

”Move on.” 

How would you define yourself in three words?

”How would I describe myself in three words?” Well this answer could get a little conceded now couldn’t it? “Courageous, Intelligent and Resourceful.” 

Favorite piece of clothing you own?

”My brown leather jacket.” 

Must have clothing item everyone should have?

”A good leather jacket no matter the colour.” 

Superpower you would want?

”The ability to just make people disappear, it would make a lot of my conversations a lot easier.” 

What’s inspiring you in life right now?

“Seriously how many questions do we have left, I have meetings and they told me this would be five minutes!” 

Best piece of advice you’ve received?

”If you’re not winning you’re loosing.” 

Best advice you’d give your teenage self?

”They’re going to hate you whether you act like you know you’re pretty or not darlin’ so take your cute little ass and work them to the ground.” 

A book that everyone should read?

“The bible y’all need Jesus.” 

What would you like to be remembered for?

”Making something off myself when people said I couldn’t.” 

How do you define beauty?

”It isn’t something you can define, everyone see’s beauty as something different.” 

What do you love most about your body?

”I love it all, it holds me through life every day.” 

Best way to take a rest/decompress?

”I can’t even sensor for the kids here so you might want to edit this one out....sex.” 

Favorite place to view art?

”As it’s being made, wherever that is.” 

If your life were a song, what would the title be?

”Oh more than like Highway to Hell.” 

If you could master one instrument, what would it be?

“I can play the piano, the guitar and the flute. I think I’m okay.” 

If you had a tattoo, where would it be?

”I have them, some on my wrist, on my ribs...I’ve always wanted a finger tattoo though.” 

What is your favorite animal?

”Cat’s. They own the world and we don’t even know it.” 

What’s your spirit animal?

”Again, a cat.” 

Best gift you’ve ever received?

”A diamond tiara.” 

Best gift you’ve ever give?

”I guess buying my parents a house? Didn’t feel like a gift just something they deserved.” 

What’s your favorite board game?

”Scrabble. It’s not for the weak.”

What’s your favorite color?

”Black.” 

Least favorite color?

”Silver, I thrive in gold so it feels personal.” 

Where do you feel most at peace?

”The back porch swing of my grandparents house in Georgia.” 

What’s your favorite thing to do in your time off?

”I don’t really get time off, but I like to travel when I can, I’m just lucky I get to do that with work too.”

What’s your hair-care routine?

”I really wish I could tell you but I have this company that makes me a whole set of stuff and then I just put it on my hair in the order they tell me to, I’ll link you.” 

Pilates or yoga?

”Pilates.” 

Coffee or tea?

”Coffee, I thought that one was already obvious.” 

What’s the weirdest word in the English language?

”Maybe - no one ever actually needs time to think of an answer, maybe is simply a delay.” 

Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?

”Milk chocolate is supreme, have you had British chocolate, it’s insane.” 

Stairs or elevator?

”The elevator.” 

Summer or winter?

”Guys come on really... you have like five more minutes and I have to go.” 

You are stuck on an island, you can have only three things with you. What are those things?

”My vibrator, a lighter, a really big bottle of tequila.” 

What are your phobias?

”Heights they suck.” 

A skill you’re working on mastering?

“Not murdering you.” 

Best thing to happen to you this year?

”Okay seriously I will answer one more question and that’s it....” Martha was so getting her ass rinsed for this later.” 

“We have 15 questions left, we will rapid first them and you can pick. “ Worst thing to happen to you this year? Best compliment you’ve ever received? Favorite smell? Hugs or kisses? If you made a documentary, what would it be about? Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? Going out or staying in? Sweet or savory? Celebrity crush? How you know you’re in love? Song you can listen to on repeat? If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be? What are you most excited about at this time in your life? Your go to for having a good laugh? Your affirmation for today?

“I’ll give you two, you know you’re in love when suddenly someone else matters more than you, in a way you never thought possible, it hasn’t happened to me yet and my affirmation for today? Don’t punch anyone now the vouge camera man pissed you off.” 

#task001 #hillzhqstask

[turnpage]

send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list

generator here quotes compiled from here inspired by

feel free to change to fit your preferences as need.

❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
 ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness.  ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ��� ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives?  ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.  ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly.  ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope —  It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together.  ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase.  ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord.  ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you.  ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory.  ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are.  ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences.  ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise.  ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table?  ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place?  ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death?  ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable.  ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you.  ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner.  ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away.  ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

#sentence starters #generate sentence prompts #rp meme #roleplay prompt #roleplay meme #prompt for writing #rp prompt #send emoji meme #long tw

[nasa]

NASA Spotlight: Astronaut Mike Hopkins

Michael S. Hopkins was selected by NASA as an astronaut in 2009. The Missouri native is currently the Crew-1 mission commander for NASA’s next SpaceX launch to the International Space Station on Nov. 14, 2020. Hopkin’s Crew-1 mission will mark the first-ever crew rotation flight of a U.S. commercial spacecraft with astronauts on board, and it secures the U.S.’s ability to launch humans into space from American soil once again.  Previously, Hopkins was member of the Expedition 37/38 crew and has logged 166 days in space. During his stay aboard the station, he conducted two spacewalks totaling 12 hours and 58 minutes to change out a degraded pump module. He holds a Bachelor of Science in Aerospace Engineering from the University of Illinois and a Master of Science in Aerospace Engineering. 

He took some time from being a NASA astronaut to answer questions about his life and career! Enjoy:

What do you hope people think about when you launch?

I hope people are thinking about the fact that we’re starting a new era in human spaceflight. We’re re-opening human launch capability to U.S. soil again, but it’s not just that. We’re opening low-Earth orbit and the International Space Station with commercial companies. It’s a lot different than what we’ve done in the past. I hope people realize this isn’t just another launch – this is something a lot bigger. Hopefully it’s setting the stage, one of those first steps to getting us to the Moon and on to Mars.

You served in the U.S. Air Force as a flight test engineer. What does that entail?

First off, just like being an astronaut, it involves a lot of training when you first get started. I went to the U.S. Air Force Test Pilot School and spent a year in training and just learning how to be a flight test engineer. It was one of the most challenging years I’ve ever had, but also one of the more rewarding years. What it means afterwards is, you are basically testing new vehicles or new systems that are going on aircraft. You are testing them before they get handed over to the operational fleet and squadrons. You want to make sure that these capabilities are safe, and that they meet requirements. As a flight test engineer, I would help design the test. I would then get the opportunity to go and fly and execute the test and collect the data, then do the analysis, then write the final reports and give those conclusions on whether this particular vehicle or system was ready to go.

What is one piece of life advice you wish somebody had told you when you were younger? 

A common theme for me is to just have patience. Enjoy the ride along the way. I think I tend to be pretty high intensity on things and looking back, I think things happen when they’re supposed to happen, and sometimes that doesn’t necessarily agree with when you think it should happen. So for me, someone saying, “Just be patient Mike, it’s all going to happen when it’s supposed to,” would be really good advice.

Is there a particular science experiment you enjoyed working on the most while aboard the space station?

There’s a lot of experiments I had the opportunity to participate in, but the ones in particular I liked were ones where I got to interact directly with the folks that designed the experiment. One thing I enjoyed was a fluid experiment called Capillary Flow Experiment, or CFE. I got to work directly with the principal investigators on the ground as I executed that experiment. What made it nice was getting to hear their excitement as you were letting them know what was happening in real time and getting to hear their voices as they got excited about the results. It’s just a lot of fun.

Space is a risky business. Why do it?

I think most of us when we think about whatever it is we do, we don’t think of it in those terms. Space is risky, yes, but there’s a lot of other risky jobs out there. Whether it’s in the military, farming, jobs that involve heavy machinery or dangerous equipment… there’s all kinds of jobs that entail risk. Why do it? You do it because it appeals to you. You do it because it’s what gets you excited. It just feels right. We all have to go through a point in our lives where we figure out what we want to do and what we want to be. Sometimes we have to make decisions based on factors that maybe wouldn’t lead you down that choice if you had everything that you wanted, but in this particular case for me, it’s exactly where I want to be. From a risk standpoint, I don’t think of it in those terms.

Can you describe your crew mate Soichi Noguchi in one sentence?

There are many facets to Soichi Noguchi. I’m thinking about the movie Shrek. He has many layers! He’s very talented. He’s very well-thought. He’s very funny. He’s very caring. He’s very sensitive to other people’s needs and desires. He’s a dedicated family man. I could go on and on and on… so maybe like an onion – full of layers!

Star Trek or Star Wars?

I love them both. But can I say Firefly? There’s a TV series out there called Firefly. It lasted one season – kind of a space cowboy-type show. They did have a movie, Serenity, that was made as well. But anyway, I love both Star Wars and Star Trek. We’ve really enjoyed The Mandalorian. I mean who doesn’t love Baby Yoda right? It’s all fun.

How many times did you apply to be an astronaut? Did you learn anything on your last attempt? 

I tried four times over the course of 13 years. My first three attempts, I didn’t even have references checked or interviews or anything. Remember what we talked about earlier, about patience? For my fourth attempt, the fact is, it happened when it was supposed to happen. I didn’t realize it at the time. I would have loved to have been picked on my first attempt like anybody would think, but at the same time, because I didn’t get picked right away, my family had some amazing experiences throughout my Air Force career. That includes living in Canada, living overseas in Italy, and having an opportunity to work at the Pentagon. All of those helped shape me and grow my experience in ways that I think helped me be a better astronaut.

Can you share your favorite photo or video that you took in space?

One of my favorite pictures was a picture inside the station at night when all of the lights were out. You can see the glow of all of the little LEDs and computers and things that stay on even when you turn off the overhead lights. You see this glow on station. It’s really one of my favorite times because the picture doesn’t capture it all. I wish you could hear it as well. I like to think of the station in some sense as being alive. It’s at that time of night when everybody else is in their crew quarters in bed and the lights are out that you feel it. You feel the rhythm, you feel the heartbeat of the station, you see it in the glow of those lights – that heartbeat is what’s keeping you alive while you’re up there. That picture goes a small way of trying to capture that, but I think it’s a special time from up there.

What personal items did you decide to pack for launch and why? 

My wedding bands. I’m also taking up pilot wings for my son. He wants to be a pilot so if he succeeds with that, I’ll be able to give him his pilot wings. Last time, I took one of the Purple Hearts of a very close friend. He was a Marine in World War II who earned it after his service in the Pacific.

Thank you for your time, Mike, and good luck on your historic mission! Get to know a bit more about Mike and his Crew-1 crew mates Victor Glover, Soichi Noguchi, and Shannon Walker in the video above.

Watch LIVE launch coverage beginning at 3:30 p.m. EST on Nov. 14 HERE. 

Make sure to follow us on Tumblr for your regular dose of space: http://nasa.tumblr.com 

#launchamerica #nasa #spacex #crew1 #astronaut #rocket launch #space #science #STEM #Air Force #us military #hope #resilience #Spotlight

[waitimcomingtoo]

Swedish Fish

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Synopsis: at an awards show where you and Tom are nominated for a lot of awards together, you poke fun at the rumors about your relationship

Masterlist

“Hello!” A journalist greeted you and Tom as you approached her on the red carpet of a low stakes award show. “You two are looking amazing.”

“Thank you.” You beamed, feeling the excitement of the night settle in with your first interview.

“Thanks so much.” Tom nodded in appreciation as he rested his hand on your back.

“So you two are nominated for quite a few awards tonight. How are you feeling? Nervous? Excited?” The journalist asked before holding her microphone out to the two of you.

“I’m really excited to be here. I’m more excited to be Y/n’s date, though. Look at her in this dress.” Tom stepped back so the camera could get a better look at your long red dress. “She’s better than any award.”

“Stop it. I don’t want to be flushed in the interviews.” You leaned against him as you briefly buried your face in his neck to hide your blush.

“Aw.” The journalist pouted at the camera. “So you two came here together?”

“We did. Almost all our nominations are together so it seemed like the right thing to do.” You explained as you kept one hand resting on Tom’s shoulder.

“That was my excuse for why I asked her.” Tom joked. “I really did it because I wanted to make everyone jealous that I had the prettiest date.”

“Oh, please.” You rolled your eyes. “He just wanted me as his date because he knows I bring snacks.”

“You brought snacks?” The journalist laughed into the microphone.

“I did.” You nodded excitedly. “I have like 6 types of candy in my bra. I have cookies and chocolate in my purse. You don’t even want to know where I’m hiding a granola bar.”

“I really want to know now.” The journalist raised her eyebrows at you.

“I’ll find out later and let you know.” Tom winked and you smacked him playfully.

“It’s the Nature Valley kind though so I’m scared to eat it.” You laughed. “They’re so crumbly.”

“Maybe you can step outside and eat it. Like a little snack break.” The journalist suggested.

“I could. I’ll do it during one of the boring speeches.” You joked.

“Who’s speech would you leave during?” The journalist asked you.

“Probably Tom’s.” You stated and he nodded along it humor you.

“Yeah. I tend to ramble.” He shrugged, making you laugh.

“Alright well I’ll let you guys get to the rest of the carpet.” The journalist said. “Thank you for chatting.”

“Thank you! Enjoy the night.” You waved goodbye to her as Tom picked up the train of your dress to make walking easier.

“She didn’t ask if we were a couple.” He whispered in your ear as you posed in front of the photographers.

“Are you upset that she didn’t?” You laughed as you looked at him.

“Frankly, I’m a little offended.” He said through a smile while keeping his eyes straight ahead.

“Don’t be. I’m sure we’ll get asked soon enough.” You told him. As far as the public was concerned, you and Tom were just friends. After being nominated for multiples joint awards for your performance as a couple in Far From Home, you had made a plan to tease the media if you won in an attempt to get them to stop asking if you were together.

“They better.” He grumbled in your ear before the both of you laughed.

He kept his hand on your back as you walked to the next journalist, the train of your dress in his other hand.

“Hi!” The journalist smiled happily at you as you stopped in front of him.

“Hello!” You matched his energy with a bright smile.

“Hey. How are you?” Tom asked politely.

“I’m doing well, thank you.” He nodded. “You two have quite a buzz around you tonight. Apparently you’re the couple to watch.”

“Any couple that’s half Tom Holland is a couple to watch. Haven’t you heard of Gyllenholland?” You raised an eyebrow and laughed.

“But that’s a bromance.” The journalist protested. “This seems more like a romance, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Unfortunately, we’re not together. There’s just something about me that he doesn’t like.” You sighed dramatically and looked away, making Tom and the journalist laugh.

“It’s the face. I can’t get past it.” Tom played along as he squished your cheeks between his fingers.

“So you’re really not a couple?” He asked as if he didn’t believe you. “I find that hard to believe.”

“Nope. Just friends.” You shook your head.

“Best friends.” Tom grinned at you before pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“You two are adorable.” The journalist commented. “And you’re nominated for a lot of awards together tonight, aren’t you?”

“We are. And that’s the way it should be. I think people enjoyed our movie as much as they did because of what we created together. It was a two person job and I’m glad it’s being acknowledged as such.” You answered honestly, making Tom’s heart soar.

“Not all of the nominations are for the both of us, though.” Tom brought up. “Y/n is nominated for best actress. And guess who’s presenting that award?” He smiled proudly.

“That’s right! Congratulations.” The journalist praised you.

“Thank you. I’m really grateful for all the nominations.”

“I’m so proud of her. I can’t wait to give you that award later.” Tom looked at you fondly.

“If I win.” You reminded him.

“Of course you’ll win.” He scoffed. “I voted for you everyday.”

“Thank you.” You rested your head on his shoulder momentarily to thank him for his support.

“So if you do win one of the joint awards, who gets to take it home?” The journalist asked you.

“We’ll just have to win them both I guess.” Tom shrugged playfully.

“I hope you do.” The journalist smiled. “I’ll see you guys out there. Good luck.”

“Thank you.” Tom shook his hand before leading you towards the entrance of the building.

“Should we find our seats?” You asked him as you checked your lipstick in a compact mirror.

“Yeah. Let’s go.” He nodded before taking your hand and walking with you inside.

~

An hour later after a few performances and wards had been given out, it was time for you and Tom to present an award. You nervously chewed your bottom lip as you waited for your cue, going over your prepared speech in your head.

“You ready?” You whispered to Tom, sensing he was as nervous as you were.

“I’m never ready to read, especially not in front of thousands of people on live television.” He laughed nervously. You gave him an assuring smile as rubbed his back to calm him down.

“Hey, if you can’t make out a word, just squeeze my hand. I’ll help you out.” You told him. Tom smiled back and slipped his hand into yours, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“We haven’t started yet.” You laughed at his action.

“I know.” He shrugged. “I just wanted to hold your hand.”

Before you could respond, a man with a headset came up to you and gave you a thumbs up.

“You’re on in three, two…”

“Hello everyone. We are here to present the nominees for best actor in a horror film.” Tom announced into his microphone. “Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to see any of these films because the ticket guy always thought I was a child.” He feigned a sad face, making the audience laugh. Their positive response calmed your nerves as you held your own microphone up.

“But don’t worry. I made sure I explained the plot to him once I got home.” You added.

“Only two of them made me wet the bed.” Tom read off the prompter, one of the lines he and you hadn’t written yourself. He made a face that you couldn’t help but laugh at, calming you even further.

“I can’t believe you read that line.” You laughed into your mic.

“I know. Who wrote that?” He wondered and the audience laughed along.

“Tonight, Tom and I are nominated for Best Onscreen Couple.” You continued. “Our chemistry on screen has left a lot of people wondering if we’re a dating in real life. We’re not, by the way.”

Tom was quiet for a moment as he blinked in confusion, hesitantly raising his microphone to his lips.

“We’re not?” He asked you as if this was the first he was hearing of it. It wasn’t, of course, as you had rehearsed this many times. Your face fell just like your practiced as the crowd laughed.

“No, we’re not.” You answered him flatly.

“I just - I thought we were.” His eyes darted around as he played dumb.

“Tom. We talked about this.” You said out of the corner of your mouth.

“But…but we make out all the time.” He said and the audience erupted with laughter. “Like what about that time in your trailer?”

“That was strictly platonic.” You shrugged.

“And in the elevator?” He asked.

“You had something stuck in your teeth. I was just being a good friend and getting it out.” You smiled smugly as you looked out at the crowd.

“All those times in my car?” He emphasized, making even you laugh.

“I was method acting.” You said simply.

“But - but it was months after production wrapped.” He reminded you, earning some applause as the audience caught on to what you were doing.

“I like to get really deep.” You insisted.

“Oh.” Tom looked at the floor for a moment before snapping into a smile. “And here are tonight’s nominees.”

You paused and let the audience laugh at your bit before reading the nominees off the prompter. Tom put his hand on your back, making you look at him. You smiled widely at your successful joke and he smiled back before taking your hand and giving it a squeeze.

~

You were sitting in your seats once again, impatiently waiting for the first category you were nominated for to be announced.

“I’m kinda nervous.” Tom leaned over to whisper in your ear among the buzz of the crowd.

“Would bra candy make it better?” You chuckled as you pulled a small Swedish Fish out of your décolletage.

“Has this been on your bare body?” He laughed in disbelief as he took the candy.

“Maybe?” You said sheepishly, looking around for anyone who might overhear.

“I can’t stand you.” His whole body shook with laughter as he popped it in his mouth. “It tastes like how your perfume smells.”

“Really?” You grimaced. “I don’t know how I feel about it.”

“Me either.” He sucked it out of his teeth. “Can I have another piece?”

You shoved his playfully for the bad joke before fishing another out for him.

“Here.” You placed it in the palm of his hands. “Wait, shhh! They’re announcing the winners.”

“This is really chewy.” Tom commented ad he struggled the swallow the candy. You ignored his problem as you excitedly gripped his arm. He continued chewing but managed to slip his hand into yours and clutch it anxiously as the nominees were read.

“And the winners for best onscreen kiss are…Tom Holland and Y/n L/n in Spiderman: Far From Home.”

The audience erupted into applause for the two of you, but all you could hear was Toms incessant chewing.

“Stop chewing. We gotta go.” You giggled as you pulled him out of his seat.

“Mhhhfh hmhph.” He said through a mouthful as he pulled you into a celebratory hug. You held hands on the way up to the podium as the infamous kiss played on the enormous screen. You hugged the presenter before standing in front of the microphone and beaming at the crowd.

“Hi! Thank you so you much for this award. Its always such a huge - - woah.” You trailed off and looked at Tom up and down, gulping loudly into the microphone.

“What’s wrong?” He asked you.

“There’s a lot of sexual tension up here.” You blew out a breath and fanned yourself. “Whew.”

The audience laughed at your bit but you were determined not to break.

“I was about to say.” Tom tweaked his head and rubbed the back of his neck, looking anywhere but at you. You both fidgeting with your clothing in an attempt to look busy as you avoiding eye contact.

“Um.” You laughed awkwardly into the microphone and gripped the podium. “What was I talking about?”

“I believe your last word was ‘huge’.” He said weakly, finally making eye contact with you. A chuckle went through the crowd as more caught on to the joke. You held each other’s gaze for a moment before quickly looking away.

“Right.” You nodded. “This is such a huge…a huge… sorry, what’s this award for?” You pretended to wipe sweat of your forehead as you turned around to read the screen.

“I believe it was Best Kiss.” Tom said before taking a deep, dramatic breath. You stared at each other for a long time, the only sound in the room now being your swallow breaths.

“Are we - - are we about to kiss?” You asked through a forced laugh before making your face completely serious. Tom raised his eyebrows before nodding and beginning to lean it. You leaned in to and right before your lips could touch, your heads snapped towards the crowd.

“Thank you so much!” You held up the award with a huge smile. “We love you guys! Thank you!”

This got a much bigger reaction than the last time as people cheered and laughed at your performance.

“That went well.” You gripped Toms sleeve in excitement as you walked back to your seats. “We got a lot of laughs.”

“I got a lot of laughs. You were a little flat.” He teased, pretending to flip hair behind his shoulder as you sat down.

“Mmm. Love you too.” You cupped his chin and narrowed your eyes at him. The actors and singers around you congratulated you on your first win on the night, all saying you got them with the fake out kiss.

The evening continued with an elated cloud over your seating area as you and Tom soaked up the win.

“Is it just me, or are the cameras hovering around us?” He said suddenly, calling your attention to the many cameras pointed in your direction. You waved at one and the camera man waved back.

“Trying to catch a stolen kiss I presume.” You shrugged as you gripped the award.

“Like we’d ruin the surprise.” He scoffed and put his arm around your shoulders. The second award you were nominated for together was next and your leg was already bouncing.

“I’m gonna be more disappointed in not doing our acceptance speech than I’d be in losing if we don’t get this award.” Tom said, practically reading your mind.

“I know.” You squeezed his knee anxiously. “Fingers crossed.”

“Good luck, darling.” He pulled you in closer and pressed a kiss to your temple.

“I don’t need luck when I have the best screen partner in the world.” You raised your eyebrows at him as you leaned into his body. You stayed in that position as Vanessa Hudgens read the nominees.

“And tonight’s winners for Best Onscreen Couple…Tom Holland and Y/n L/n!” She announced with a smile.

“See?” You smirked at Tom as you stood up.

“Guess I should tell you you’re welcome.” He teased as he scooped you into a tight embrace. He gathered the train of your dress in hand and helped you out of the aisle.

“I’m shaking.” You whispered to him as you made your way to the steps of the stage. “I’m gonna fall.”

“I got you, darling. I won’t let you fall.” He said as he took your hand with his free one and helped you up the stairs. You hugged Vanessa tightly once you got to the podium, whispering in her ear about being a fan.

“Thank you so much for this award.” Tom began your rehearsed acceptance speech. “I’ve always wanted to win best couple.”

“Onscreen couple.” You leaned towards the microphone to correct him. He looked at you in confusion but kept a smile on his face.

“What?”

“We won for best onscreen couple.” You pointed behind you. “Not best couple.”

“Oh.” He nodded like he understood. “So what did we win Best Couple for?”

“We didn’t, since we’re not a couple.” You said slowly, bringing back your joke from earlier in the evening. The audience chuckled as Tom made a show of reading the award and the screen behind him.

“Are you sure?” He asked suddenly, as if he didn’t believe you.

“Oh My God.” You groaned as you rubbed your eyes.

“Cause I feel like we are.” He gestured between the two of you. You shrugged a little and scooted closer to him while batting your lashes.

“I mean…do you wanna be?” You feigned shyness as you tucked some hair behind your ear.

“I don’t know.” He fumbled with the buttons on his suit jacket. “What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know.” You shrugged and looked away. “What do you want to do?”

“I could get my mom to text your mom and they could set something up.” He suggested as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Okay.” You smiled and picked up the award. “Maybe later we could like, you know.”

You shrugged and he laughed shyly.

“Uh Huh.” He nodded eagerly. “Or we could do like whatever.”

“Yeah.” You let out a shaky breath. “Whatever.”

The two of you smiled in appreciation at the crowd before walking off, award tucked in the crook of your elbow and hands intertwined.

~

“This is the one I’m most excited for.” Tom told you as you waiting for Best Actress to be announced. Tom was the one presenting it, which only made your anxiety spike.

“But it’s just me.” You laughed as you looked at him.

“I know.” He shrugged bashfully. “You don’t need me to win. You’re the real reason people voted for us.”

“You’re just saying that.” You shook your head and put your hand on his bicep.

“Cause it’s true.” He insisted. “You got this.”

“Thanks for voting for me.” You answered sincerely, dragging your fingertips along his cheek.

“How could I not?” He tilted his head before getting tapped by one of the stage assistants. “I gotta go. Good luck.”

He brought your hand to his lips and kissed your knuckles before following the assistant backstage.

You ran your hands over the arm rest, wishing Tom was still beside you to calm your nerves. You only had to wait about twenty minutes before Tom walked on stage with the envelope in hand.

“Nice to see you all again.” Tom greeted. “I know it’s strange to see me without my partner in crime, but she’s busy running through her acceptance speech in her head. Have I pissed off all the other Best Actress nominees? I bet I have.” He joked, earning a few laughs.

“Here are tonight’s nominees for Best Actress.”

You clapped for very nominated actress, noticing the wink Tom sent you when your name was displayed on the screen. Finally, it was time to announce the winner.

“And the winner of Best Actress is…” Tom’s eyes flicked up from the card before looking down again. You shut your eyes tightly and it felt like there was no air in the entire room.

“Y/n L/n.”

Your eyes flew open when you heard Tom call your name. You looked at the stage first, seeing him clapping and whistling for you with a proud smile. The people around you congratulating you, patting your back and rubbing your shoulders as you walked towards the stage. Tom had tears in his eyes as he met you at the top of the stairs, helping you stay balanced in your way to the podium. Tom got there first and took the ward off the podium and held it out to you.

“Here you go, baby.” Tom handed you the award.

Before you could take another step, he took your face between his hands and kissed you firmly. He smiled softly at you once he pulled way as you touched your fingertips to your lips in surprise.

He stepped back and let you move towards the microphone, still feeling flustered from the kiss and the win. You looked at the crowd and felt your mind go blank and they roared with applause. You looked over your shoulder at Tom, who gave you an assuring smile and mouthed “go on.” You blew out a breath and turned back to the audience, having a better grasp on what you wanted to say now.

“I can assure you, I was expecting that as much as you were.” You let out a breathy laugh and the audience laughed too.

“Thank you so much for this. This award means a lot to me.” You held up the award to punctuate your sentence. “I went into this movie thinking it would be a great opportunity to do something different than what I’m used to. I certainly didn’t go into this movie thinking I’d meet the love of my life.” You paused and smiled as a hush fell over the crowd. “Tom and I fell in love over scripts and cups of coffee at midnight, so much in love that I’m not sure I deserve this award because I wasn’t acting. Every soft touch and stolen glance, that was just me being in love with my scene partner.”

You stopped and let the audience clap for your statement, looking over your shoulder at Tom before continuing.

“I guess the secrets out now.” You laughed as you shook your head. “We had a running bet on who would accidentally reveal it first. So in addition to the three awards I won tonight, I will be getting twenty dollars.”

You heard Tom chuckling from behind you and felt compelled to finish up so you could hug him.

“All jokes aside, the number one person I want to thank tonight is Tom. I couldn’t have done this without you. And I’d never want to. I hope I spend the rest of my career sneaking Swedish Fish into award shows with you. Thank you.” You held up the award one last time before turning to Tom. He wrapped his arms around your waist and lifted you off the ground, spinning you around as he pressed a lingering kiss to your cheek.

“Sorry about that. I couldn’t help myself. I was too proud of you.” He smiled as he set you down. You began to walk backstage together, hand in hand.

“It’s all right.” You assured him. “I always appreciate a romantic gesture.”

Tom stayed quiet as you made your way back to your seats, a strange look troubling his handsome features.

“What is it?” You asked as you sat down again. Tom pursed his lips as a shy smile lit up his face.

“That was the first time you said you loved me.” He said timidly as he scratched behind his ear. Your mouth opened and shut as you found yourself at a loss for words. In the excitement of the moment, you hadn’t even realized you admitted your real feelings for him. You’d only been dating two months and while you loved him whole heartedly, you had never had the guts to tell him. Tom looked at you expectingly as he awaited your answer. Knowing there was no going back, you shrugged it off.

“Well I do.” You said finally, making his smile grow. “Is that all right?”

“Is that all right?” He laughed and took your hand in his, pressing a kiss to the back of it. “Yeah. That’s all right.”

“Good. Because I do love you.” You leaned into him and rubbed your nose against his. He scrunched his nose as you made contact, still holding tightly to your hand.

“I love you too.” He said for the first time, feeling a weight lift off his shoulders. “Congratulations, darling.”

Tag List 🏷

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#tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland x actress!reader #tom holland x famous!reader #tom holland fanfic #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland fluff #peter parker x reader #peter parker x y/n #peter parker x you #spiderman #marvel #iron man #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker imagine #Tom Holland imagine

[angelaiswriting]

Sunlight | Reiner Braun

✏️ Pairing: Reiner Braun x fem!reader

✏️ Summary: The smile that stretches on your lips is another one of those genuine smiles you’ve grown unaccustomed to, and as you crouch down to sit next to him, you realize you haven’t been this happy in a long time. It’s not just the here-and-now with Reiner, it’s more of a general feeling. Being home. Hanging out with your old friends. Finally letting yourself open up and move forward, as Zeke put it.

✏️ A/N: I haven’t written a word in forever, so this is me experimenting, both with a new fandom and with 2nd POV writing lol the idea for this story has been in the making for literally a year, I can’t believe I’m finally posting it.

✏️ Content Warnings: modern!AU + fluff, angst, and smut, so 18+ only. Mentions of death (reader’s mother and (briefly, in passing) Reiner’s mother + Armin’s parents) and funeral. Mentions of alcohol and alcohol consumption. Vaginal fingering. Thigh riding. Protected vaginal sex. Oral sex (f/r and m/r). Hand job. Multiple orgasms (both m/r and f/r). Mentions of shower sex. Idk, suggestive stuff I guess. A whole lot of feelings. [If I missed anything, just lmk.]

✏️ Word Count: 23,8k

SUNLIGHT

It’s surprising, the way everything seems to lead back to this coastal town. All the choices you made before leaving everything behind, and then the way life went after venturing off in search of a new path. Of new people. Maybe even better chances than what this place has to offer aside from the salty breeze blowing in from the ocean, or the white, polished pieces of wood and shells that wash up on the shore. The smell of fish. The calls of the fishermen on their boats.

You left because home started feeling like it was closing in on you, suffocating, asphyxiating, and then you realized life in the city can also make you feel the same way. Small, and alone. Insignificant. Like you never belong. Like you’re standing on the sidelines, watching everyone else go on, do things, become different versions of themselves. 

It’s a fist in the gut, to come back with the mid-spring torrential rains, and to have this feeling bubble up from deep inside, some recondite corner of your soul you haven’t felt in forever – or maybe you have, and it was just a too-hard pill to swallow all along.

I’m home.

Which is a random, almost out-of-place feeling to have. You’re going back – not home – for your mother’s funeral, after all, that same mother you always blamed just to find out way too late in life that it was never her fault. That it was the other way around. That you put yourself on a pedestal and looked down on the only person that didn’t leave. The only person that stayed by your side.

The house is still the same. A little run down, maybe, with overgrown ivy wrapping around the two middle columns of the porch and the right side of the house. What’s changed is the way you feel as you sit there, behind the wheel of your car, with the windshield wipers rushing back and forth against the onslaught of the downpour. There’s an abyss between you and the house, like that’s someone else’s place. Like that’s not where you spent the first seventeen years of your life before you had enough of it. Before you blamed her for the last time, took your stuff, and left in search of someone who never gave you love in the obtuse illusion that he finally would.

You think that maybe you shouldn’t be back. That maybe you should have stayed in the city, despite that not feeling like home either. You weren’t there for her for the last ten years, so what gives you the right to be here now?

The lights inside are on. There are silhouettes moving behind the white curtains every now and then. Probably the same curtains you hung up a week before leaving, all those years ago, both you and your mother fighting with each other because of who knows what – because of a boy, because of your father, because of you wanting a life far away, a real life, someplace else that won’t chain me down to an existence in some small-ass hole in the boonies, Mom! I’ve had enough of this place! I don’t want to-

“-end up in a miserable life like yours.” The words leave your lips in a whisper, eyes trained on the three steps that lead up to the porch, the screeching of the wipers fighting against the hum of the heater and the rage of Mother Nature. You don’t remember what the reason for that fight was, but you do remember those words. You remember the venom in them. The way they burned on your tongue. The way the sunlight shone into the living room – hot on your face, and blinding, spitting fuel into the fire of your headache.

It’s late for a lot of things now – you tell yourself – but it’s not too late to leave. To put the car in reverse, and hightail your way out of there. Your hand is already on the stick when the front door opens and a young woman walks out, arms wrapped tightly around her waist to keep the lapels of her sweater in place when the wind picks up. A heartbeat later, she’s waving an arm in the air, and the heartbeat after that, she’s beckoning you forward.

It’s a weird feeling, that of your heart beating in the back of your throat. You don’t even remember when the last time you felt like that was. Life away from home – or what you realized too late was home – did end up feeling miserable. Or like a chain around your neck, allowing you some freedom but never enough, like an old dog tied up to a pole in the yard.

You park the car right where your mother used to park hers, and you try to convince yourself that it’s fine. Everything’s fine. Death is a part of life, and mistakes are, too. Even when you’ve made so many – too blinded by the heartache and the anger of a stubborn teenager you barely recognize now when you look back.

One deep breath in. One deep breath out.

The rain is strangely warm on your face when you get out of the car. It tastes like tears. Or maybe it’s just the sea. You wonder when tears will come, however – you still haven’t shed one since Historia phoned you last night to inform you about your mother’s passing.

“Y/N!”

She wraps you in her arms, and you have to bend down a little to give her an automatic hug back. An embrace halfway between a hug back and something along the lines of ‘just pull away, just let me go’. Historia – you recognize her only when she calls your name again, this time not fighting against the howl of the wind. You haven’t seen her in forever. She’s changed. You can use that as an excuse if she mentions anything about you not recognizing her straight away.

“Dear, I’m so sorry,” she whispers in your ear.

She’s warm. She faintly and vaguely smells like your mother, and her hair tickles your cheek. The saltiness on your lips makes you wonder whether that’s due to the ocean so close by, or whether you’ve finally started crying.

“It was so sudden,” she goes on, breaking the hug to grab your hand and give it a gentle squeeze. “She never wanted you to know she was sick, and you know, I… I tried telling you, but she stopped me every time. It was almost like she knew what I was about to do one minute before I even thought of doing it. I know you left all those years ago and n-” She cuts herself off.

And never came back. You want to tell her to just say it. That it’s okay. That there’s no shame in the truth. Because that? That is true. You never came back, not even once. You cut everyone off – your mother, Annie, Bertolt, Zeke, even Reiner. You did look back, however – after finding your father, after confronting him, after getting your own one-bedroom, starting a new job a million times over – but they don’t know because you never reached out. Never called. Never texted. Life went on for everyone – your old friends in this old town, and you in your new city.

“I had to call you when she…” 

When she passed away. That’s something else she can’t say out loud. Tears well up in her eyes and you’re just left standing there, feeling like a stranger out of place. Why’s she on the verge of tears for someone else’s mother? Why aren’t your roles reversed? Why aren’t you the one sniffling into your sleeve, eyes drifting down to the age- and sun-bleached wooden planks of the porch?

The tears come much later, though. You’re left to your own devices when your old friends leave to go home for the night. Zeke pinned his number to the fridge, just in case you need anything. Reiner gave you one last one-arm hug, and Historia squeezed your hand one more time before leaving in silence with Mikasa and Ymir.

The rage of the storm has passed, and now the rain is simply pitter-pattering outside instead of washing over the windows of the house almost as a way to scold you.

You haven’t looked at your mother yet. She’s lying there, in her open casket, surrounded by flowers – the same flowers she’s spent her whole life selling in her shop – and you just… can’t walk up and look at her. The very last millimeter of the tip of her nose is the only part of her you can see from where you’re sitting, on the other side of the living room. The furniture has been moved around to make space for her, and now the room feels a lot bigger than it ever did when you used to live here. It feels bigger and, at the same time, so very small, the walls closing in on you like in some Indiana Jones adventure, a trap designed to not let you get out of there alive.

Is it the house? Or is it your sense of guilt? Of shame?

“I didn’t know better.” Your voice seems to boom in the room, even though it shivers like the leaves on the trees outside.

And how could you have known better? When she never spoke up? When she never said anything? When she let you believe she was the one to blame for your father leaving?

I’m sorry – sorry for leaving. Sorry for being a bad daughter. Sorry for never coming back. Sorry for putting my pride before anything else. Sorry for never apologizing, and only coming back when it’s too late. But the words don’t come. Your tongue is lead in your mouth, and you can’t spit them out.

You’re out on the porch before you even feel your feet moving. Your heart is a loud thump-thump everywhere in your body – your ears, your skull, your throat, your fingertips. It deafens you; it’s suffocating. It’s the same feeling you had when you were seventeen and dreaming of running away, but at the same time everything’s different now. You still do want to run away, however – from this house, from your mother, from this town. The same things that grew too tight around you in the past are what’s choking you again right now, ten years later. But this time there’s nothing you want to run towards. All you want to escape is death.

You wonder what everyone might think of you. After all, you never showed up at your sick mother’s door to check in on her. You couldn’t have known, of course – Historia must have told you that at least three times today, at a loss of other topics of conversation, before Ymir pulled her out of the kitchen for a breath of fresh air before she had the chance to start bawling her eyes out again.

“You’re gonna catch a cold.”

The unexpected voice makes you jump.

You hadn’t seen him standing there, his elbows resting on the balustrade of the porch.

“I thought you had gone home.” The words struggle to get around the lump in your throat. Maybe now you will cry, you think. Even if it’s in front of Reiner, which is the last thing you want to do. Not because it’s Reiner, but just… You feel like it’s not right. Like you lost the right to cry over your dead mother a long time ago – many, many words ago. Which is a stupid thought, really, but you’ve been living with this sense of guilt gnawing at you from the inside for so long now that this is the kind of shit you convinced yourself of.

“I almost did, but my bike wouldn’t start,” he says, pointing a thumb towards the willow in the garden. He’s still riding his old dirt bike, you notice, the one he gave you lifts on countless times when you still lived here and you had no clue how to deal with the fat crush you had on him. “I’m glad it didn’t, though,” he continues, smoking the last of his cigarette before stomping it out in the pot of an already dead plant. “I don’t care what ‘Toria says, you shouldn’t be alone.”

He looks tired, like something’s carved its claws into his flesh and made him fight for too long. That’s why you say, “It’s alright, I’m okay.” It’s the same lie you’ve been telling yourself a million and one times, every time some new or old struggle comes up to open new or old wounds. Because it is alright and you will be okay – maybe not now, but definitely one day, whenever that is. You’re proof enough of that.

“Are you really, though?” His eyes bore into yours and even though you do your best, you can’t help but look away – first at your car, standing lonely in front of the house, and then at the street that leads back to the rest of the town. Maybe if you focus on the street lights hard enough, he won’t hear how loud your heart is beating. “You looked like you were on the verge of a panic attack a minute ago.”

Maybe he can hear your heart. He’s always been able to read you like an open book, after all – minus the crush-on-him part, of course, which he either never really realized or simply decided to ignore for your own sake, so as not to break your heart when he’d eventually turn you down.

“I’m fine.”

“Your mother’s dead, though.” He tilts his head to the side, and the movement makes light glint on the piercings in his left ear.

You feel your eyebrows furrow the same way you’d notice them on someone else’s face. With your heart hammering in your chest, and the breeze blowing in from the coast, and your dead mother in the living room, you wonder if this is what it feels like, to finally let the ache you have carried inside for so long free. To unleash it and let it wreak havoc, because what else have you got to lose?

“I’ve known you long enough,” he continues, “to know when you’re about to lose it.”

Suddenly the overhead light keeping darkness away from the porch is the most interesting thing you’ve ever seen. You notice the yellowed glass, the two dead flies lying inside, the way an old spider web waves in the breeze. Annie made you spend too many nights to count on this same porch when you were kids – camping out during the hot summer nights she used to spend at your house when her father went out at sea. If only you could rewind time… Go back to those days, to the horror stories you told each other to scare each other just enough to make the night thrilling…

She didn’t show up to see your mom. Or maybe she did, just not today. She’s never dealt well with death, so it doesn’t surprise you, although she did text you a couple of hours ago.

You look at the overhead light keeping darkness away from the porch, and you still feel sunlight on your face. The same sunlight that had warmed you up on that day, when you had hung those goddamn curtains up because your mother had sprained her wrist, and so you were fighting like cats because you didn’t want to do it and she just couldn’t ask nicely and a billion other things at the same time.

You look at that fucking light and you feel them – spiky, treacherous tears poking at your eyes, welling up so much that your vision gets blurred, and your throat closes up, and you can feel the trembling start off in your fingers.

There’s this rip, inside of you, and it gets deeper with each passing second as it tears you at the seams, pulls you into two different directions. I want to cry. And please don’t let me cry. I want to feel it. And I want to run away again.

Is that the only thing you can do? Run away? – you hear your mother’s voice on that day, as she stood on the second of those three steps of the porch, staring at your backpack as you walked away. Then do! Run away! You’ve only ever been good at that! Go find him, and then run away a little further!

“I just-” You just, what? The words don’t come. Your brain can’t think them up, and your tongue can’t vomit them out.

I just- You’re just seventeen, running away in search of your father’s love, not knowing you won’t find anything there. The well wasn’t dry, just- not full for you. The well wasn’t dry, just- not willing to give to you.

You see yourself walking away, and it’s not under a bright, mid-June sun, barely a week before your eighteenth birthday, but under today’s rain. You, and your red backpack with some clothes and all the money you managed to save over the years, no plan in mind, just- an old picture you found in the basement. Mom and Dad, barely nineteen, smiling at the camera while holding beers.

You want to tell yourself Stop! Come back! We don’t have to go! but the past is the past, it cannot be changed. So you let yourself go, standing in your mother’s shoes, watching helplessly as life unfolds the way it’s always been meant to.

“‘He left us because of you and I hate you for that’.” You have no clue why you’re telling Reiner this, nor where you find the strength to speak, although your voice trembles and dies out into nothing in the end. Swallowing feels like choking. Like trying to push down a rock that just won’t budge, and you have no clue how to breathe when your lungs are made of fiberglass.

He takes a few steps forward. Slow. Tentative. Like you’re some wild animal he’s trying his best not to scare away. You’re already scared shitless, however – not because of him, of course, just- life, you guess. Life and death. Life, death, and anything in-between. All those tiny dots that create a picture between the two extremes. Paper flowers on Mother’s Day when you’re five. A school trip out at sea to watch the dolphins when you’re seven. Trying to complete a puzzle in candlelight during a storm, when the power goes out and you’re too afraid to go to bed. Annie on the porch. Watching Zeke try and teach Bertolt how to play baseball. Making flat pebbles skip on the water with Reiner. Kissing your mother’s cheek. Playing with your mother’s make-up, walking around the house in your mother’s too-big heeled shoes. And then all those fights, black stain after black stain, and that void tearing you apart from the inside.

You wonder how many of those dots have been painted on your canvas between the moment you were born and now. You wonder how many of those dots have been painted on your mother’s canvas between the moment she was born and the day she died. You wonder how many of those dots have torn her canvas one word at a time because of you. Did she notice? Did it hurt? What did it make her feel like? Unloved? Alone?

He smells like the cigarette he’s just smoked, Reiner. Like that cigarette and then like the sea, and like some cologne you never smelled on him before, when everything was alright. He’s standing two steps in front of you, and yet you cannot look at him. You struggle to breathe, and you can’t even call for help.

You think about your mother, who’s definitely not breathing in that casket of hers, surrounded by flowers and all the love you never managed to fully give her and that she had to look for in someone else while her sickness ate away at her.

“I told her I hated her.” You whisper because that feels like the smartest thing at this moment. Your voice won’t come, but it’s also for the best – if you speak out loud, you know your voice will break. And then you will. It’s happened countless times before, so it for sure will happen again. “I told her I hated her, and then I left.”

It’s quiet. There’s only the pitter-patter of the dying rain – again, dying. Reiner’s breathing feels just as loud as he braces for impact.

“I told her I hated her, and then never spoke to her again.”

You don’t think you’ve ever cried in front of Reiner until you do now, and all those past times come back crashing in like the waves onto the shore.

You’re four and crying over a scraped knee.

You’re six and crying because an older boy in school tore up your drawing.

You’re eight and crying after Father’s Day, because everyone at school brought a Dad or a Grandpa to class and you had no one to call your own.

You were crying, and crying, and crying.

It feels like all you ever did was cry, and maybe that’s why you fell for him in the first place. Why you fell for Reiner. Because you felt safe with him. Because you could be vulnerable and open yourself up like one of your mother’s flowers. Because you needed someone to hold you and stuff that void inside you with illusions as soft as cotton so that it wouldn’t feel as cold for a while. Because his hugs would shield you from the rest of the world and you could finally breathe again.

And you’re crying now. And when he simply puts both hands on your shoulders, you cry even harder because he’s not hugging you. Because he’s not keeping the rest of the world at bay. Because you can’t breathe. Because you have no right to wish for him to hold you now, after you tore yourself from his life. From your friends’ lives.

“I spent my whole life being wrong and now I can’t even apologize.” One word at a time, the confession comes out in-between sobs, your teeth clattering together because of the cold and the exhaustion and the tears and that fucking hole in your chest opening up some more, until all you can feel is it. It feels like being chewed alive and then spat out again onto that stupid porch, in front of that stupid house standing in that stupid town.

Or maybe you are the one who feels stupid. Stupid for wearing blacked-out glasses, for never looking back. For never calling, never texting, never writing. You live your whole life thinking you have time, but then, suddenly, it’s too late. The door closes, locks behind your back, and there’s no way for you to open it again. Like an intercom with no one else on the other end of the line.

That’s when Reiner closes the distance and wraps his arms around you. He’s grown and buffed out, and he dwarfs you out. It should feel like choking, but he still has that effect on you. He still makes you breathe.

His left hand is soothing on your back, moving up and down, up and down, slowly, grounding you. His right hand is on the back of your head, tilting it up, forcing you to breathe, to stare at the overhead light and at those two dead flies resting forever inside the glass covering without Reiner knowing.

You don’t know what it is about today. Your dead mother. Those dead flies. The dead pot plant in the corner of the porch. Something cracks and dies inside you – a part of yourself or the part of your mother that’s always lived in your heart, you don’t know, you have no strength to find out.

“There’s not one thing I did right in my life.” Your tears stain his cheek, and his stubble prickles yours. You whisper those words against his skin, into his ear – or maybe not. You don’t know anymore. All you can hear is your last exchange with your mother, and then your father’s words drown out the rest of the world. “And I was too much of a coward to make right by her.”

He’s silent, Reiner. You want him to say something, anything, to lie to you and reassure you it’s fine, everything’s fine, everything will be alright. But it’s not his job – it never was and probably never should be.

“You should get back inside,” he simply says after endless minutes. It takes you fifteen minutes to calm down to a point where tears are still trailing down your cheeks, but at least you’re breathing right. “You will catch a cold.”

It makes you want to cry again. The way he speaks. The things he says.

You want to hear it’s alright, or you’re fine, or I’m sure she knows you’re sorry, but all you’re met with is silence. He looks at you, but at the same time, not really. It’s something you don’t know how to explain, but it’s true nonetheless.

Maybe you did lose him, too. Maybe you did open up a fracture between you and him when you left, when you didn’t come back.

“You should rest.”

He’s guiding you up the stairs before you even know it, always standing one step behind you. His gaze on the back of your head makes the baby hairs at the back of your neck stand to their ends, and the ten-year feeling of having fucked up deepens that tad bit more.

Your room is still exactly how you left it, save for some cardboard boxes piled up in a corner. There’s no bedspread to cover your mattress, but all the pictures you hung up on the walls once upon a time are still there. A sunrise over the ocean. A picture with Annie, Reiner, and Bertolt. Your childhood cat. The stars at night. A reproduction of Van Gogh’s vase of sunflowers. One of those random pictures you used to take, a candid polaroid of Reiner reading a book on your porch, sunlight kissing the side of his face. You remember staring at that picture for long, endless minutes every night, before falling asleep, asking yourself whether tomorrow would be the day you told him you had it real bad for him – you never did, of course.

He drops your duffel bag onto the mattress and stands next to you in silence for a while as you take everything in.

“How long are you staying?” he asks as you’re staring into the lifeless eyes of the tattered teddy bear sitting on your old desk by the window.

Just what is strictly necessary.

I’m not leaving again.

I don’t know.

He must see the reflection of it in your eyes, of the struggle you have inside, because he gives your shoulder a light squeeze and then smiles. “Hey, Y/N, breathe.”

You want to tell him you are breathing. That he’s always had that effect on you. But you realize you are, indeed, not breathing, that you’re starting to cramp up again, and your lungs hurt, and you know you’ll spend the night sobbing into your pillow until you either run out of tears or exhaustion overtakes you.

“What matters is that you’re here. Right now.” He pulls you in again, even though it feels forced – although it might also just be in your head. He has an arm around your waist and one hand on the back of your head, your face pressed into his chest as he leans his chin against the side of your face. You swear you can almost feel his heart beat against his ribs, but that for sure is just inside your head. “Being here now is the only thing you can do, and you’re doing it.”

He doesn’t stay the night. He tells you Annie won’t come, not until your dead mother is in the house – and probably a while after that, until any trace of her death will leave these rooms. What he does is call Historia, who you’ve never been super close with but who’s always been nice to you – she’s also taken care of your mother for years, after you left and she got sick. And Historia comes, helps you make the bed, and then sleeps by your side – or at least lies there, having the mercy of pretending she doesn’t hear you quietly cry into the pillow case until well past three in the morning.

You find him in the kitchen, however, when you wake up at half past one and walk downstairs with red eyes and tousled hair. He’s reading a book sitting at the table, and it brings you back to the polaroid picture in your room, and then to the day you took it.

“What are you photographing?” He’s smiling, doing his best not to chuckle, and you feel so at peace and excited at the same time that you have no clue what’s wrong with you. Maybe it’s just your stupid, first crush, you tell yourself, and smile some more.

“Just the butterflies on Mom’s flowers.” But the butterflies are in your stomach, as strong as albatrosses, making you giddy as you stare at the way his left iris looks golden with the sunlight hitting the side of his face.

In the spur of the moment, you think that if you’re ever to give love to someone, then it’s going to be him.

*

He takes you back home after the function. After lingering behind for an hour, while you cry your last tears kneeling on your mother’s grave. After you tell her you’re sorry, that you were wrong all along. That she was never the reason. He just didn’t want you. That you shouldn’t have left, but also that you’re glad you did – glad that you went after him, that you made peace with that part of your past, that you tried to give yourself what this town never could. But also that you’re sorry you left her behind, and never did anything to remain a part of her life.

He takes you back home after the function, and everyone’s already there. You don��t want them there – you just want to wallow alone with your sorrow – but you can’t kick them out. They’re not there for you, after all. They’re there for your mother.

The realization that they were definitely nicer to her than you were during your last years here makes you panicky. It digs its claws into the flesh of your back and bites down, and you feel them piercing your lungs, making your throat constrict, your breath come out short.

“Tell me what’s going on.” Reiner’s the one to unbuckle your seatbelt, right after turning off the engine of your car and unbuckling himself. He doesn’t make a move toward the door handle; he just sits there, next to you, and lays his hand above your cold, clammy one. “What’s going on inside you?”

You want to tell him, but at the same time you have no clue what to tell him. What words to use, or whether they’d even make sense in the first place. How do you put a groan and tears, the demon clawing inside you, all those feelings and emotions into words when you can barely process them yourself?

“I can’t breathe,” you reply instead, eyes too dry to cry, head pounding too much to even think. You’re just there, struggling to breathe, and it’s raining again. Not the biblical downpour, but enough to force Reiner to make the windshield wipers work almost at full speed. And you’re cold, so very cold, wet from the rain after you categorically and stupidly refused his umbrella, despite the blanket on your legs and the heat he cranked up to the max until he cut the engine off. “I can’t breathe.”

There’s a stain on the rooftop of your car, you notice when he tilts your head slightly up and draws circles with his thumb into the base of your head as he cradles it with one hand. One of your exes had this bad habit of smoking inside, and he put out a cigarette against the fabric of the rooftop during one of your usual fights before calling you names, breaking up things with you, and finally stepping the fuck out of your car and out of your life. You thought you had erased every trace of him, you think as a giggle almost bubbles up in your throat, but you guess you were wrong.

“You know,” he starts at some point, after shaking his head when Zeke comes out onto the porch, probably to call the two of you inside. He retreats, brows furrowed – in confusion or worry, you don’t know, you were never the best at reading Zeke Yeager and his emotions. “She never held a grudge.”

She – your mother.

It should make you feel better, but it somehow doesn’t. It would have probably been better if she had been angry at you all along, but hearing she wasn’t somehow throws you off. Maybe you really just were a piece of shit of a daughter. Maybe your father saw right from the very beginning, before his already very lacking presence in your life stopped being there altogether a few months before you turned four.

“I was so mad at you,” he continues. “I was so mad when you left. And then when you didn’t pick up the phone, or didn’t text back.” His sigh is deep and tired, and you feel that solitary tear trail down the side of your face. But you can’t wipe it away – his hand is still on yours, and you just want to be held, for once, even though your pieces feel scattered everywhere. “I thought I was in love.”

“With me?”

Your heart is in your throat.

Someone sneaks a peek from the kitchen window, but it’s so quick, the curtain is back into place before you can see who it was. Then, it’s just you and Reiner. And the rain outside.

He shrugs his shoulders. His thumb is still drawing soothing circles into the base of your head, the rest of his fingers splayed out on your cheek and your jaw. “Yeah. It passed, eventually, but back then I was just mad. I thought I had all the time in the world to find out what I was feeling. You were always there, following me around, at school and then outside. Until one day you weren’t anymore. I don’t know, maybe I was more mad at myself than I was at you.”

Breathing comes easier now, despite his words making you want to curl up under the blankets, praying for this to be just some nightmare. Praying to wake up and find out you’re still seventeen, and that you still have time to make all the right choices.

“I helped your mom out with some leaking pipes one day, a few months after you left. I think it was around Christmas, I don’t know. I guess I was still mad,” he chuckles. You can feel him looking at you, but you don’t have the strength or courage to look back at him. You just stare ahead, at the chipped paint of the front side of your childhood home that feels so small compared to how huge and empty your one-bedroom in the city feels. “And so I asked her, and she explained.”

“I’m sorry.” You’re not exactly sure what you’re apologizing for. Leaving him? Leaving her? Just, leaving? Being a mess now? Being a burden when he could be inside with his friends, drinking beer to commemorate your mother’s life?

“She said she was proud of you for confronting your father for disappearing. Or at least attempting to do so. Said she never could and that she regretted it her whole life. She regretted her words to you as well.” Your eyes meet his when he says that, and he must sense something going off inside of you, for his thumb picks up its movements once again, and he gives a small smile. He looks pretty, and tired, his eyes light and the circles underneath them dark. “She was just sad you never called.”

His words feel so comforting, but then also like salt being poured into the wound. Like a ‘but’ slapping you square in the face when you least expect it. I love you, but. We think you’re perfect for this job, but. I wanted to invite you, but. But, but, but. You just want an ‘and’ for once, but you guess you deserve it, this time. One day you’re sure there will be a you did some wrong things, but. And you’re waiting for that moment – ‘but’ and ‘and’ combined into one, and then maybe you’ll be able to start letting go of some of the weight you’ve been dragging behind all along.

“I wanted to, but…”

I wanted to, but. You also have ‘but’s.

“I know.”

He’s there when you take a quick shower to warm up after standing in the rain, after sitting soaked in the car, and he’s there when you walk back downstairs, hair still damp, and join your old friends. Maybe it shouldn’t, or maybe it’s right just the way it is, but it makes you feel safe. Like no matter what they all think about you, at least he’s been honest with you, back there in the car.

The kitchen is cramped, but the beer is cold, at least. It distracts you from how clumsy the conversation feels at the beginning. It’s been ten years, after all: they have no clue who you are now, and you have no clue who they grew up into. But then, somehow, Zeke manages to make everything flow smoothly.

You don’t talk much, you let them do the talking. You’re not exactly ‘out of it’, but you’re also not exactly fully there. Reiner’s the person your gaze is set on, and you look at him like he’s your anchor – he’s always been, after all, and you can pretend he still is, standing with his back against the counter of the sink.

“Hey, huh…” The blond man sitting next to you catches your attention timidly. He’s also been quiet all afternoon, letting everyone else do the talking for him, too. If it wasn’t for Eren, who’s somehow tagged along with his older brother, you wouldn’t have recognized Armin with how much he’s grown. “Ellen’s– I mean, your mom’s shop– I work– Ah, I’m Armin, by the way. Arlert. You used to help me out with science when we were kids.”

It’s probably the beer, but you’re smiling at him. He’s still shy around you. You think it’s cute. Yeah, it’s definitely the beer. “I remember you. What’s up?”

What a dumb ass question, you scold yourself. You cringe, but, eh. At least you can brush it up to reality slapping you in the face, to today’s funeral, or the breakdown you had in the graveyard, even to the beers someone bought and stocked up in the fridge. Well, your mother’s fridge. But your mother’s dead and the house has been passed down to you, since she didn’t write her own will, apparently. So yeah, does it even matter whose fridge it is?

“I’m–” He looks conflicted, but then again he’s looking at you like you’re some ticking bomb ready to go off. “Okay, I guess. A bit shaken up, but we were… I mean, we were sorta expecting it, y’know?” Not exactly, but you don’t say it. “What with the sickness and all… She stopped coming to the shop months ago. I used to– I mean, I still do. I work at her shop.”

“Oh, that’s good.” Polite small talk. You wonder whether you’re being fake. Whether it’s obvious. Whether he can see right through you and knows how clumsy you still are, that you don’t know how to approach any of them. Whether the rest of them are looking at you. Listening. Judging. You have no clue why you’re so afraid of being judged, but deep down you know. You’ve never been good at facing up to your shit, but – and this is a positive ‘but’, you reckon – you still have time to make amends for that. Well, now you know you don’t have all the time in the world, but maybe you still have enough to look back the way you didn’t when you should have. “You’ve always had an eye for nice compositions. She always praised you. I sucked at that, I still only barely know the names of basic flowers.”

He chuckles at that, but then tones it down by sipping on his beer. “Eh, there’s still time to learn if you want,” he smiles. He smiles like you really have all the time in the world, and the lie reassures you for a moment. It feels like ‘it’s okay, everything will be alright in the end’, and probably no one knows how much you need to hear that better than you do. “But I mean, you should– I mean, if you want to, of course– and when you’re ready– come down to the shop. Decide whether you should keep it open or what. I can keep the business running until you’re ready, but just– let me know.”

“I–” You meet Reiner’s gaze, looking at you while Eren is talking his ear off about some football game they must have placed bets on. Reiner’s never really liked Zeke’s younger brother that much, but it’s still sort of amusing, to see how they still hang out after all these years, despite their differences. “Yeah, I will, I– I just–”

“You take your time.” Armin’s hand is burning hot when it wraps around yours on the table. Either that, or yours is cold. It’s a weird thing, to feel your body but also not at the same time. To still be in that graveyard despite sitting in your childhood home’s kitchen, surrounded by childhood friends. “I know it’s not easy. I don’t remember much about my parents, but I still miss them terribly.”

Right. You tend to forget they also have their own struggles.

They leave at around midnight, and when they do, the house gets terribly quiet.

Historia insisted on staying, while she was helping you carry the take-out pizza cardboard boxes to the trashcan in the storage cabin outside, but you told her it’s alright. That you gotta learn to do this. That you’ll have to go back to your life, and she won’t always be there. It’s okay, really, don’t worry. You’ve been taking care of her for years now. You should go home, rest. If anything, I should be the one offering you comfort.

When you walk back inside, Reiner’s just getting out from underneath the kitchen sink, a wrench in hand. He hits his head against the cabinet when he’s caught by surprise by the sight of you standing there, and he curses underneath his breath, rough fingers coming up to rub the sore spot on his forehead.

“It should work now,” he grunts when he stands up to put the wrench back into the toolbox. But you don’t move, taken aback by the domesticity of him standing there, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, knowing his way around your old house, fixing broken things without a second thought almost as though he’s been doing that his whole life. He kind of has, actually. You don’t move, so he smiles. “Try the faucet, I’ll put this back in the utility closet.”

He finds you staring at the running water when he comes back, freshly washed glasses resting on the rack to dry. You know he’s standing there in the doorframe, looking at you, checking your breathing, trying to understand where your mind is, what you’re thinking, but you don’t move. You don’t turn back to look at him the way you would have done ten years ago, and you don’t move to turn the tap off.

It’s peaceful, really. The rain has stopped pouring outside, but the sound of the water in the sink puts every single one of your thoughts to rest. All the excuses for not coming back. All the self-accusations that have come after leaving, and all the misdirected accusations that came before that. All the second-thoughts, all the fears, all the self-guilt.

“Don’t they teach you to save water in the city?” Reiner jokes, managing to pull a chuckle from your lips as you watch his hand turn off the tap.

He stands there, right behind you, and although he’s not even hugging you, you feel like you can breathe a little better. Like the light hanging from the ceiling is a little brighter. The room a little bigger.

“I’m sorry,” you say instead, but admitting it is now a little easier. Reconnecting with your old friends wasn’t as bad as you had thought it would be, and even getting to officially know a new face – Ymir’s – wasn’t as hard as you had feared. “For leaving,” you add. “And never coming back or reaching out. I realized too late this is not how I wanted things to go, but then I let my pride and my fears get into the way of doing anything to make amends.”

He’s a little closer now, you can feel his body heat from where he’s standing, hands on either side of you on the counter.

“I wanted to,” you admit. “Come back, apologize for hurting any of you. Especially– especially Mom. And– you.” You whisper that last word, your fingers trembling. “You– I…” A sigh escapes you, and your eyes close for a moment as you take a deep breath in. “I crushed on you so bad, Reiner… And when I left you that letter, I– I thought I’d come back. I thought I’d text you, I really did. But then I found my father, and I thought, ‘If I wasn’t enough for him–’”

Swallowing is hard once again, even more so when Reiner rests his forehead against your shoulder as he waits for you to continue. If there’s something about him that hasn’t changed, it’s the fact that he waits for you to go on. To say what’s on your mind, speak your truth. He either doesn’t realize how hard some things are to admit, or he doesn’t care – and it’s not in a bad way, he just wants you to open up.

“‘If I wasn’t enough for my father, what makes me think I’ll ever be enough for someone else?’ And I desperately wanted to be enough for you. So I–” You swallow around nothing, that stupid lump forming in the back of your throat all over again. Maybe if you had managed to cry when Historia called, then doing things now wouldn’t be as hard. “I guess I let that fear eat away at me.”

He groans, deep in his throat and right against you. It’s hard to say what’s on his mind, especially when he doesn’t say a word. Doesn’t do anything aside from standing there, behind you, as you stare out the window at the muddy garden in front of the house.

“To think that we could’ve had it so much different…” he mutters in the end, lips barely brushing against the cotton of your shirt, the thumb of his right hand barely brushing against the pinky of yours. “It makes me even more mad.”

Then, his phone rings and he’s gone.

*

The few days you originally planned to spend at home quickly turn into a week, which turns into two. It’s like a whole one-eighty: you’ve gone from wanting to run away from the town, to wanting to run away from the city. The city, where you’ve lived for so long now, feels gray in your memories. Your hometown is blue and green and all colorful, pretty flowers everywhere – even the steely gray of a storm on the sea feels much more comforting than you remember it ever being in the past.

But it’s the people that make it a warm place to stay.

Annie, despite the initial fight over the way you left all those years ago upon first meeting her now, feels like the same Annie you used to be buddy-buddy with when growing up. You’ve already met up with her for breakfast for ten days in a row, now, and catching up with her feels like coming back home every single time.

Zeke has stopped by the house quite a few times already, either with Marcel or Porco or even his younger brother and his friends in tow, to help you move around the furniture of the living room despite you insisting you could do it yourself, that they really didn’t have to take the time of their day just to do this for you. Nonsense, Zeke said on the first day as he sat at your kitchen table. Plus, I quite enjoy bossing the kids around.

Your mother’s old shop – now, somehow, your shop, although you’re constantly thinking of changing that – has unexpectedly become a safe nest to hide out at. There’s always just Armin there, aside from the times customers walk in and make the bell above the door jingle, and Armin loves what he does. You see it on his face, in the way he lights up every time someone asks for a recommendation – flowers to gift to a lover, or to take to the hospital, or to liven up the rooms of someone’s house. He tells you what each flower means, he teaches you their names, and you don’t even listen because you want to learn or because you’re that interested in flowers and herbs and plants. You listen because his eyes spark with the passion he carries inside as he forgets about the fact that he’s recently lost a friend. Your mother, of course – you tell yourself she was important to a lot of people, and you’re still trying to come to terms with the fact that you never gave her the importance she probably deserved.

Historia has also become an unexpected friend. She’s shy and bubbly all at the same time, always moving around, always tending to her patients in the elderly home she works at, and she sometimes tells you about them. She’s also passionate about what she does, and takes both the ups and downs of her job in stride. Most importantly, she tells you about your mother. Fills in the ten-year gap you weren’t there to witness. She shows you pictures, even a home-made video of that one time she won the town’s florist competition for the fourth year in a row. It’s through her stories that the ghost of your mother becomes fainter and lighter, the very last millimeter of the tip of her nose no more staring at you in the darkness of your old room when you lie awake at night, unable to close your eyes.

She stops by with Ymir sometimes, when she comes over with Armin with the excuse to take care of the flowerbeds, although you know it’s just because they want to keep you company. Ymir is quiet and reserved – she hasn’t opened up to you yet. It was the same with me at the beginning, Mikasa told you once. Ymir sits with you on the porch and looks at her girlfriend with a smile on her face, and sometimes tells you about the random things she’s done abroad. Skinny dipping in a freezing river. Fishing for prawns at night. A particularly beautiful painting she’s seen in a museum once – Lovers in the Rain –, seven years ago, or a poem that still makes her tear up when she remembers it.

Her company is nice, it puts you at ease. It makes you forget everything about the way you left, and about your life far away from the coast. It makes you want to come back here, time and time again.

It’s Reiner that makes you want to stay, however. Reiner and his eyes. Reiner and his smile. Reiner in your bathroom, humming a tune while fixing the hand spray of your shower after it spat water everywhere a week ago. Reiner in your car, behind the wheel, as you sip on cold coffee while staring out at the moon reflecting on the water.

Reiner, and the way he makes you breathe.

He has a hand thrown absentmindedly over your shoulders as you huddle around the fire in the back of Zeke’s property and roast marshmallows. It’s just the three of you, plus Annie, Porco, and Pieck. Bertolt couldn’t come, and Marcel is sick.

“You start singing, and I’ll bite your head off,” Annie warns in a grunt, punching Porco’s arm, when Pieck walks out with a homemade birthday cake.

“Party pooper,” but Porco’s smiling, sitting right opposite you at the other side of the bonfire as he looks down at her.

“They’re cute,” you mutter under your breath, careful not to let the others hear you, but then Zeke’s tone-deaf singing Happy Birthday with Pieck, so the volume of your voice doesn’t even matter.

Reiner hums next to you, his fingers digging deeper into the side of your arm when he leans forward to fetch the stick with your marshmallow before it burns black. “They dated for a while– I don’t know, five, six years ago?” He shrugs his shoulders as he hands you your sugary treat. “It didn’t last long, and we don’t talk about it. Bert is still salty about it, so…”

He shoves his own marshmallow into his mouth, and you stare as he chews on it. The flames of the bonfire dance in his eyes and on his face, and the sound of your breath catching in the back of your throat makes him turn to face you.

He’s smiling. And damn – every time he smiles you realize how badly you missed him. “I’m sure that has to do with the reason why he couldn’t come, but don’t tell him I said that.”

The others are staring at the both of you when you turn back towards the quiet party, amused and knowing smirks on their lips. Annie moves to sit next to you with the excuse of giving you a paper dish with your slice of cake, and Pieck takes care of giving Reiner his own.

“Happy birthday,” you grin at your friend, and her immediate response is an eyeroll, although she still has half a smile tugging at her lips.

“It really is a happy birthday now that you’re back.” The confession is rushed, and before you can fully register her words, she’s already digging into her cake – the largest slice of them all, since she’s the birthday girl.

The night is quiet, and with Reiner next to you and the bonfire you’re sitting in front of, you barely notice the chilly bite of the last April breeze before the month of May starts in a few hours. It’s like never having left; it’s all as it used to be, despite Bertolt and Marcel not being here, and despite Zeke’s presence as well. He was never around much when you were younger, what with the difference in age and him going off to college on a baseball scholarship. But he’s nice company – great company, even, when he pulls a guitar out of nowhere and gives a tipsy Pock the chance to start singing nonsense. He sings the Happy Birthday song one last time, and you hold Annie back as he does, your laughter in her ear until she’s laughing, too, still trying to get out of your grasp.

“So, tell us something about the city,” Zeke says, eyes twinkling behind the light reflecting off of the lenses of his glasses. He’s still strumming chords, and when he speaks, everyone’s head but Reiner’s turns in your direction.

It makes you feel the center of attention, the spotlights suddenly shining down on you instead of your – old but maybe still – best friend finally turning twenty-eight.

You shrug. “What about it?” You look at them, a somewhat smile on your lips, but your fingers are pulling on grass blades. Reiner feels the shift inside you even without looking, and his thumb is suddenly brushing back and forth on his sweatshirt, the one he left at your mother’s place when he stopped by two days ago and you almost – almost – kissed before his phone went off. “It rains just like it does here,” although you’re glad today the sun timidly peeked through the clouds.

“Oh, c’mon!” Annie pushes you into Reiner, amused but still, you perceive veiled annoyance in the way she looks at you. You figure you deserve it, but you also hope she’ll come to forgive you – that they all will, one day, somehow. “Something must be really nice if it kept you there for so long.”

You look at her, and then up at the stars and the silvery clouds in the night sky, lost in thought. What kept you there were the hurt and the pride, but how can you tell them that? “I don’t know, it just… wasn’t as great as you think.” Wasn’t – not ‘isn’t’. You have no clue why that past tense slips past your lips, but later on in the night, as you’re walking up the steps of your porch, you’ll find yourself wondering about it. “The pay isn’t that bad, I guess. There’s a lot of distractions. My district breaks out in celebrations every year when spring and summer start. No one knows you unless you make an effort to mingle, so you can pretend to be whoever you want.”

Everyone nods, but then Zeke grins and, “I had plenty of hook-ups when I was studying at university. I loved that about the city.” It makes everyone groan, and Pieck and Porco gang up on him and push him left and right.

It makes you blush, because damn, there’s some truth in that, you had it easy, too. “Yeah, you’re not that wrong.”

You miss the way Reiner’s thumb stops moving on your shoulder for a split second before Porco drags the conversation into another direction and challenges Reiner to whoever can stomach the most beer before getting drunk.

Zeke’s the one taking you home this time, after leaving you in the car as he walks up the steps of Reiner’s apartment to drop his drunk friend off. He stays in there for a while, and you look up at his window, waiting for the light to switch off again. You think back to Zeke and his hook-ups, and to yourself and your own hook-ups and failed relationships. And to how you always wished for it to be someone else from the very beginning, some big ass man who’s being put to bed because his other friend outdrank him at Annie’s intimate birthday party.

It makes you wonder whether he has someone in his life, or whether he did in the past.

Then, before you even have the time to come back to the present moment and see that the light upstairs has been turned off, Zeke is buckling himself in and turning the engine of his truck on again.

It’s quiet for a while before he asks, “So, what are your plans?”

“My plans?”

He hums and nods, taking a turn at the crossroad before briefly glancing at you. “The house, your mom’s shop, you know… The whole shabang.”

“Oh…” You stall, opening and closing your mouth a couple of times before admitting, “I don’t know, I haven’t really thought about it yet.”

“Hmm?”

“Yeah, I mean…” It’s weird, being locked up in the car with Zeke. You never paid him much mind when you were younger, he was just some younger friend’s older brother back then, although Reiner definitely did hang out with him and dragged you along every once in a while. “I don’t know shit about flowers, they’re really not… not exactly my thing.”

“And what is your thing?” he wonders. “Running away?”

That’s what my mother told me the last time I saw her – you think but don’t say it out loud. You’re still taken aback however, and you have no clue how to reply to that.

“Chill, I was kidding,” he chuckles. “So, are you closing the shop down?”

You hum, shaking your head and staring out of the passenger’s side window. “No. It’s silly, but I was thinking of– yeah, passing it down to Armin.”

“Yeah?”

You hum again. “I’ve been there a few times already, and he loves his job. I mean, he could surely find something somewhere else, but… I have no business there. He’s the one who grew up in it. My mom should’ve left the shop to him from the beginning.”

“What did he say?”

“I haven’t told him yet. I actually had that idea last night.”

“Couldn’t sleep?”

You shake your head. “I never can here.” You don’t know why you’re confessing so many things to him, but you find it easier to let your mouth run free with Zeke than with someone you used to be much closer with when you still lived here. “I sleep during the morning, that’s why I’m never around town at those hours.”

“So what about the house, then? Are you selling it?”

“Why? Do you want it?” you chuckle, and he laughs with you.

“Well, I mean. It has a pretty view. It’d be a beautiful place to raise children in.”

You furrow your brow, trying to hide the smile curving the corners of your mouth upwards. “Zeke Yeager is ready to settle down?!” You jokingly ask, laughing at the expression on his face when he turns to look at you before taking the turn of the road that leads up the cliff and to your house. “Gee! Who is it?”

“I was merely saying,” but he’s blushing to the tips of his ears when he pulls up in front of your porch.

You see the ghost of your mother standing on the second step, baby blue dress waving in the breeze as your seventeen-year-old self walks away from home.

“But yeah, I’m thinking about it,” he admits eventually, voice low and quiet. He’s smiling at nothing when you turn to look at him. “It’s not official yet, but Pieck and I…”

“Damn, really? Pieck?”

He glares at you. “What’s wrong with her?”

“Nothing,” you shrug. “You’ve just been buddy-buddy for so long… To be honest I never thought I’d live long enough to see the day you two would look at each other as more than merely friends.”

“Says the one who used to be a love-sick puppy running in circles with the drunk idiot we just dropped off.”

You feel the blood rush to your face, and instead of replying, you just shrug.

“Did he tell you?” he asks.

“That he felt something for me? Yeah. Took me off guard. I lived so long in the belief I wasn’t reciprocated…”

He hums quietly, the music on the radio still humming in the background. “You were so close… I never thought I’d ever see him mad because of you.” His voice is quiet. Neither of you make a move to get out of the car.

“Yeah, I…” What do you say to that? That you’re sorry? That you’re apologizing? Again? You feel like all you’re good at now is apologize, and it hurts so much inside. It hurts to know you never did it in the past, when it would have had a meaning – with Reiner, with your own mother, with your friends. Most of all, with yourself – you’re yet to make peace with yourself, the way you left, the things you said, the guilt and shame you wrapped yourself up with. “There’s not one thing I haven’t fucked up.”

“It happens to everyone.”

You look at him like he’s grown two heads in the span of a second, and it makes him laugh for a moment.

“What? That’s true. It’s what makes us human. The mistakes.” He smiles. “We all fuck up. Your father fucked up. Hell! Mine did, too. You think I wasn’t mad at Eren and his mother at the beginning? But then I took a step back and realized I was misdirecting my feelings. My father cheating on my mom wasn’t Carla’s fault, not when she knew nothing about us in the first place, and it sure as hell couldn’t be Eren’s. It just…” He shrugs, and his fingers twitch on the buttons of the radio before he pulls his hand back and lets the music play a little longer. “It’s just life. It doesn’t come with a manual. Your mother was a real bitch, too, with you, sometimes. No one’s perfect.”

“So, you’re not judging me?” You don’t know why you ask. You can’t even look him in the eye, your hands in your lap suddenly much more interesting than whatever expression his features might be morphing into.

“Is that what’s been bothering you?”

You shrug a shoulder. “Among other things.”

He’s quiet for a while, and the way this silence makes you feel makes you long for Reiner and the calming effect he has on you. “Well, I did, at the beginning. Look at this brat, tsk!” His chuckle makes you smile timidly, your gaze still fixed on your hands as your throat dries up. “But then… you had some balls, up and leaving everything to go after someone you hadn’t seen in fourteen years, I had to admit it. Then you went back to being an annoying brat when things went to shit with Reiner. But now you’re cool.”

You hum, questioningly, biting your tongue out of some emotion you can’t quite put a finger on.

“He was mad. I’d never seen him cry before, it really fucked me up at first. He didn’t go to college because he was too busy being mad at himself and then at you. Then his mother passed away, and he had to sober up when he had to take Gabi in. He went from growing up without a father to trying to be one for his cousin.” His hand is warm when he tilts your chin up and toward him, and he looks straight into your eyes when he says, “He’s made mistakes, too. We all do. We just apologize and move on. That’s how life goes. It doesn’t stop just because you want to wallow in your own self-pity.”

When he lets you go, you’re quick at turning to face your house. To face the ivy leaves trembling slightly in the breeze. The windchimes hanging from the porch jingling quietly. Your mom’s not on the second step anymore, and you guess that’s one step forward. Still, it’s hard to stay and face your shit head-on.

“What are your plans?” Zeke asks again, this time turning off the radio and throwing his door open. He doesn’t step out, and he doesn’t motion for you to do it. He knows you’ll get out sooner rather than later; you probably just need a minute.

What are your plans? You’ve been asking yourself that same question for two weeks now. Probably since the night Historia called you to deliver the bad news, the day before you hopped into your car and drove the thirteen-hour drive back to your hometown.

The easy answer is that you don’t know. The harder one is that you’re not even sure what you’re supposed to do. Go back to the city? To the same city you’ve felt yourself drowning in for so long now? Or stay here? Somehow, coming back home was never the plan. You wanted to run away and stay there – wherever ‘there’ was. But now you’re back, and you’re suddenly confronted with a taste of what you left behind. Of what you could have had had you stayed.

“Are you planning on staying for long?”

It’s almost as though he’s trying to help you make order among the thoughts stomping around in your head. Stay or leave. Live or drown. But it’s not exactly of help, not when you’re so afraid of fucking up again.

“I don’t know,” you say eventually, fingers wrapped around the door handle. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” That’s the truth; you hope admitting it will help bring clarity upon your mind.

“And what do you want to do?”

I don’t know. The truth is that you’ve been living with that ‘I don’t know’ hanging above your head like Damocles’ sword for so long, ever since closing the door of your father’s home behind your back all those years ago. You wanted to find him. To find him and for him to love you, or even just give you shreds of the love he never gave you when you were a kid. But things didn’t go according to plan, not when you found him happily married and with a kid on the way, and then pride and shame and guilt kicked in.

“What ties you to the city?”

You can physically hear and feel your heart in the middle of your chest. It’s heavy and loud and so, so stubborn. As stubborn as the tears threatening to prickle your eyes. “Nothing,” you find yourself whispering back – not your apartment, not your job, not the river, and not even your district’s seasonal celebrations. “No one.”

He heaves a sigh. You feel his stare on you, and suddenly you’re just a scared little kid in Zeke Yeager’s passenger seat. Too afraid to go back, and too afraid to move forward. Too afraid even to run away after the way things went the first time you did. You don’t want to be known as the one whose only talent is running away.

“I can’t tell you what to do. Nobody can.” And yet, you wish he would. You wish he would make the decision for you. That he’d tell you to stay – in this house or in a condo downtown, it doesn’t matter. It hits you a moment later that you’re simply looking for someone else to blame in case things end up not going well. “But whatever you choose, don’t lead Reiner on.”

You swallow, the need to breathe burning incredibly hot in your lungs.

“I see the way you look at him, and the way he looks at you. The way he is when he’s with you,” he continues. “And it’s only been two weeks. If you want to stay, stay. If you want to leave, leave. Just, don’t give him hope just to then run away again.”

Zeke’s words keep you awake that night. You toss and turn in bed, trying to jumpstart your brain so that you can think. Ponder your options. Weigh the pros and cons of staying here and of going back to your one-bedroom. Until you realize that what you’re lacking is the pair of balls you had when you left at seventeen. It’s like you used all your courage to go find your father, and then burned it all when he pushed you away.

A new job would be easy to find, you tell yourself when the first light of dawn peeks through the lacy curtains of your bedroom and finds you still awake, eyes red and tired, Jasper clasped between your arms. You never thought you’d find yourself hugging to your chest the teddy bear you had when you were a kid, but here you are, caught red-handed.

You technically have a florist shop to your name, despite the idea of passing the property to Armin. It could be your safety net while you look for something you can actually do, something you won’t fuck up.

This house is nicer than your city apartment, and costs a lot less to handle. Sure, it’s too big for you, and too empty, but it’s not as asphyxiating as when you were younger.

And there’s no one waiting for you back there, no friends. It’s always been a competition with your colleagues, no matter the job. Maybe because you grew up somewhere else, and they were born in the city. Maybe it’s because you never managed to go to college. Maybe it’s because you simply never belonged, and that fact stuck to you like some nasty stench everyone else but you could detect.

You have people here. People you grew up with. People you missed. You still have time to make up to them, you think, and that knowledge is what finally allows you to close your eyes for a moment.

As you fall asleep, you find yourself thinking that yeah, maybe you should give it a shot. An actual shot – stay and do your best, and see where that takes you.

*

By the end of your third week back home, you’ve already told Armin about your plans for the shop.

“Uh… Are you sure? This was your mom’s shop, after all.”

You smile. “And now it’s mine, I can do whatever I want with it.”

He stares at you for a long moment, not uttering a word, his eyebrows set into a frown of confusion as he sits there, behind the counter, and watches the way you’re smiling. You haven’t felt yourself smile like that in so long. Like you’re being genuine, like your happiness is genuine, for once – and it is. And you are.

“Look, you know your way around all things flowers and plants much better than anyone else I know,” you say, sliding the papers for the transfer of ownership forward on the glass surface of the counter. “This place would just go down if it stayed in my hands. You don’t have to say anything just yet, just… Promise me you’ll think about it.”

Annie was the first person you told your plan to. She’s always been your best friend, ever since you were digging up mud on the beach and wearing diapers. Things are different now between you – you’ve both grown up, had experiences without the other, and… well yeah, there’s the whole running away card you pulled. But she’s still the same kid you trusted with all your secrets. And she’s still on your side.

“Have you told you-know-who yet?” she asks as she shoves the blue cooler she’s filled with food and water onto the backseat of your car.

“Who?” Your mind is only halfway there, locking up the house before running down the steps of the porch as the screen door slams behind you.

“Reiner! Who else?” She’s already buckling herself in, and when she speaks, she does so with her head out of the passenger’s window. The sight of her makes you laugh and you’re hit with the sudden realization that this is going to be your first car trip ever with her. And hopefully it won’t be the last.

“What’s up with everyone talking about me and Reiner?” you mutter underneath your breath, but she still somehow manages to hear you and starts saying something about how lovesick you both still are. You block her halfway through her rant with a hand on her mouth before saying, “I’m meeting him now. I’ll leave the car at your place so that you can put your bag in the trunk.”

You thought he’d let you up into his place, but Reiner takes you on a walk by the bay.

The silence between the two of you is tense, but the sunlight is warm on the skin of your face and when you turn to look at him, he looks like a dream in the midday sun – golden eyes and tan freckles on his cheeks and the bridge of his nose.

It’s like that afternoon on your porch, when you were both sixteen and he was reading some random book whose title you don’t remember anymore now. You had butterflies in your belly as you looked at him as you took a photograph, and you have them now as you walk side by side.

“So,” he says, clearing his throat. He’s looking out at the lighthouse, at the way the waves crash on the rocks. A man you don’t recognize greets him as he jumps off his boat, and the seagulls scream as they fly above your heads. “You’re leaving again.” He doesn’t look at you as he says that, his hands shoved in the front pockets of his bleached jeans before he sits down on the docks and lets his legs dangle above the water.

The hem of your dress, the one Annie let you borrow when the temperatures unexpectedly rose a few days ago, moves slightly in the wind, barely brushing against your knees. Reiner looks up at you, still standing next to him, but he’s quick at looking away, the tips of his ears turning red.

The smile that stretches on your lips is another one of those genuine smiles you’ve grown unaccustomed to, and as you crouch down to sit next to him, you realize you haven’t been this happy in a long time. It’s not just the here-and-now with Reiner, it’s more of a general feeling. Being home. Hanging out with your old friends. Finally letting yourself open up and move forward, as Zeke put it.

You hum.

“Well, at least you gave us the heads-up this time.”

You can’t read him, and you know it’s because he doesn’t want you to. He’s not looking at you to make his job easier; he keeps staring out at the ocean so that you can’t read in his eyes what’s going on inside his head.

“That’s some character development,” he nods, his left hand fiddling with some of the loose strands of one of the holes in his ripped jeans. You see the muscles of his thigh move as he dangles his legs.

You chuckle at his words, and a muscle in his jaw twitches. “Wanna know what some real character development is?” you ask, humming, taking a hold of his hand and looking at the way he automatically intertwines his fingers with yours.

You’ve grown closer in the almost month you’ve spent back here. He stops by your house to check if everything’s alright – with the old pipes, with the old TV, with the old fridge. There’s a lot of old things in that house, you realize, and you have no clue what Zeke finds in it, what all that ‘raising kids there’ nonsense is, but it’s still home. And all those old things are perfect the way they are because each one of them gives you the certainty that Reiner will be back.

He’s let you in, bit by bit, after the heartache you caused him and which his friend Zeke was so kind to inform you of. He’s let his guard down – not completely, of course, and you wouldn’t even demand that of him. You still have time.

Yeah, you smile softly. We still have time.

“Enlighten me.” Again, he’s not looking at you, but at least now he’s looking down at your clasped hands resting on his left thigh. He’s warm, you notice – warmer than usual thanks to the late May sun.

He makes you breathe.

You smile. “I’m coming back in a week.”

He scoffs.

“What? Don’t believe me?” You can’t blame him, but you’re still grinning brightly up at him.

The corner of his mouth twitches as he tries not to smile back at you.

“Annie’s coming with me. You can think of her as your guarantee that I’ll be back.”

He looks at you this time. His eyes really do seem molten gold in the sunlight, but there’s something in them, something you can’t quite identify. Like some internal struggle, torn between choosing to believe you and… “Hmm? Yeah? Why are you going back if it’s just for a week?”

You tilt your head to the side, trying to avoid the sun from blinding you. His hold on your hand tightens, and so does his grip on your heart. “I need to take care of a few things before moving back here,” you say. “Leave my job. Rescind my lease. All my clothes and things are there. I’m not about to spend a fortune just to replace everything I own. And then there’s–”

“You’re moving here?” He’s surprised, you read it in his eyes, in the frown of his lips, in the way he almost gasps before he gets a grip on himself again.

You nod, laughing. “Ironic, isn’t it? After all the running away I did, here I am, consid–”

He’s kissing you before you can realize what’s going on. His lips are warm and soft against yours, a little chapped, and his hand cradles the back of your head before his tongue brushes against your lower lip.

The rest of your sentence simply evaporates into nothing, and you have no clue what you wanted to say anymore.

There’s just Reiner, his thigh pressed up against yours as your upper bodies are turned toward each other. His hand in yours, and his other hand holding the side of your face. His lips on your lips, and his tongue slipping into your mouth to brush against yours. It makes your heart beat like a drum in your chest, in your head, in the back of your throat.

You taste the salt of the sea on his lips, and feel the warmth of the sun on his skin, when your hand wraps around his wrist.

Then, he’s pulling back, just enough for your noses to brush against each other still.

“Promise me.”

You’re out of breath. Your brain is struggling to start up again as you stare dumbfounded into his eyes. There are specks of gold in his hazel irises. There are tiny freckles under his left eye, and you’re not sure you ever even noticed them before today. You’re not even sure you’ve ever been this close to him to begin with. When your gaze drops to his lips, yours part slightly of their own accord and all you want to do is kiss him again.

It’s as though all you ever wanted to do ever since you started seeing him as something more than a friend was kissing him, and now that he did kiss you – after that almost kiss in your house, and after that almost kiss when you dropped him off at his place last week – you know you want to spend the rest of your life kissing him.

It makes you dumb, the way your heart leaps in your chest, does summersaults alongside the butterflies in your belly. And yet, you’ve never been so much at peace. It’s because it’s Reiner, you realize. Reiner, and his ability to make you breathe. Reiner, and how the sunlight on his skin makes you feel.

Warm.

Safe.

Alright.

“Promise me you’re coming back,” he insists, leaning in closer, his lips barely brushing yours with every word he speaks. “One week, and then you’re back here.”

You’re almost out of breath when you whisper, “I promise,” and then he takes care of robbing whatever air is left in your lungs with another kiss.

*

When you’re pulling up in front of your house exactly one week later, after dropping Annie off at her place, your phone on the passenger seat rings with an incoming notification. There’s absolutely no lying about the excitement that bubbles up inside you after such a long drive – despite the fact that you and Annie took turns driving – when it’s Reiner’s name the one you read on your screen.

[10:37 PM] Reiner: heard you’re back

[10:37 PM] Reiner: how was the drive?

You smile. At him texting you. At your own sudden spurt of giddiness when all you wanted to do just a minute ago was crawl through the front door and collapse on the uncomfortable rattan couch standing exactly where they had placed your mother’s casket.

It takes you a full minute to snap out of it and realize the three dots of his typing and deleting text are still going strong. The thought that maybe he’s just as nervous as you would be if you were in his shoes makes you melt just a bit inside.

[10:38 PM] You: a bit tiring tbh

You figure there’s no use in lying, especially not to him.

[10:38 PM] You: what’re you doing still up? don’t you have work tomorrow?

He texts back at the speed of light.

[10:38 PM] Reiner: I took a couple days off since you were coming back

[10:40 PM] You: aww cute

You sit still in the car, the moonlight shining down on the yard. Your cheeks are on fire, you feel it when you press the back of your hand against your cheekbone. It’s both because of Reiner and because of how wild your heart is beating at that last text you sent, after typing it out and deleting it and typing it out again before saying fuck it! and just hitting ‘send’.

[10:43 PM] Reiner: it was just in case you wouldn’t be back 😅

[10:44 PM] Reiner: anyway. Wanna hang out?

It hits you like a slap, that first text of his. You know he’ll try to play it off when you meet in person, play it cool and joke about it as he tries to take it back, but right now it makes you stop and think. You never thought Zeke was lying, that night in his truck, when he said he’d never seen his friend cry and that then he suddenly did because of you. But right now his words come echoing back in the cabin of your own car.

He was mad. I never saw him cry, it really fucked me up at first.

And then the words that came after those – If you want to stay, stay. If you want to leave, leave. Just, don’t give him hope just to then run away again. You tell yourself you’re not ‘giving him hope’ – if anything, he’s giving you hope. You tell yourself it’s alright to try. To move on. That it’s useless to cry over spilled milk that dried up ten years ago. That there’s nothing between you and Reiner. He said it himself, after all.

I thought I was in love.

With me?

Yeah. It passed, eventually, but back then I was just mad.

And yet, there was that kiss, at the docks, and that’s what gave you hope. What still is giving you hope that maybe you still have time.

You’re left wondering what the hell ‘passed’ – his feelings for you? Or him being mad?

[10:48 PM] Reiner: no worries if you’re not in the mood of course

[10:48 PM] You: no! no id love to!

Fuck, what an idiot. Why did it take you so long to reply? You’re back to feeling like a teenager dealing with her first crush. It hits you a second later that while you’re not a teenager anymore, Reiner still technically is your first crush.

[10:49 PM] Reiner: Marcel’s bar’s by the pier. We’re all here for some beers

[10:49 PM] Reiner: I can come pick you up if you’re too tired to drive :)

You smile at that old-style smiley he sends. He really is cute, you think – or maybe it’s just your crush on him starting to blossom again. You’re honestly too tired to hang out, but you still don’t want to miss out, and you’re honest enough to admit to yourself you don’t want to miss out on him.

[10:50 PM] You: thanks! i’ll be waiting on my porch then! ;)

He finds you there, twelve minutes later, and you’re quick at jumping into the truck he temporarily stole from Zeke. He’s smiling so brightly at you, you think you might combust into fiery butterflies.

“Hi.” You have no clue why you’re out of breath. It’s just Reiner, for fuck’s sake. But Reiner’s also… well, Reiner, and he looks even more handsome today – white t-shirt, khaki pants, stringy bracelets wrapped tight around his right wrist.

No welcome-home kiss? you want to ask, but bite your tongue just in time before you can embarrass yourself.

“Hey there,” he breathes out. “You look tired, now I feel guilty for asking you out so late and after your drive.”

He nudges you when you smirk. “Get going,” you chuckle, leaning back comfortably against the seat and buckling your belt.

It’s only when the coast comes into view, with all the pretty lights of the bay twinkling on the placid water, that you grin like a child. “So… you asked me out?”

He looks at you for a moment before he snorts as he pulls up into the parking lot. “Kinda,” he replies with a shrug and before you can stop him, he’s already out of the truck.

You’re also quick at getting out, purse in one hand and phone in the other. For a split second, you wonder whether you locked your car and you pray you won’t find its windows smashed and your belongings gone by the time you’re back, but then you’re standing in front of Reiner and there’s no more time to think. “‘Kinda’?” you pout.

He shrugs, and it’s only now, under the light of the streetlamps, that you fully realize how broad his shoulders are, and how well he fills out the material of his tee. “Yeah, next time I ask you out on a date, it’s gonna be just the two of us.”

Butterflies go off in your belly again. For all you’d care, fireworks could be going off in the sky and you still wouldn’t be able to tear your eyes away from him as your smile turns into a giddy burst of giggles.

“I missed you, you know,” you say just as you walk through the door of the bar. “Back in the city.”

You don’t have time to notice the shade of pink tinging his cheeks at your words because you’re being pulled upstairs by a tipsy Bertolt and made to sit down at your friends’ table.

Your friends. You smile. You’re glad you’re back. You’re glad you can still call them as such.

Reiner sits down opposite you, but it’s not that bad. You’ll be able to look at him this way, you tell yourself.

“Annie?” Bertolt pouts when he finally plops down next to you with a beer for you. “She didn’t even read my text.”

You meet Porco’s gaze, sitting between Eren and Jean, and you can see the conflict in his eyes, him wondering whether you know or not.

“She’s probably out cold,” you answer back. “She took the last turn to drive back, she looked pretty beat.”

Bertolt huffs, and everyone at the table chuckles. Next to you, Mikasa whispers something in your ear along the lines of He’s hopeless when it comes to her, and then giggles with you as you clink your beer bottles together.

“Aren’t you tired as well?” asks Jean. It still surprises you how much he’s grown in the last ten years, and it doesn’t matter that you’ve already seen him a couple of times since you’re back. “Reiner said you left early this morning.”

Reiner, huh? He hides his blush behind his beer when he’s suddenly brought up, and you try not to grin at the way his lips twitch to stretch into a smile. “Nah, I’m alright. I’m glad I was invited to come. I didn’t have much else to do anyway, I think I’ll leave unloading my car to when I’m in the mood. There’s no rush anyway now that I’m here.”

The night is chill, with the late May breeze slipping in through the crack of the open French window of the terrace. Sasha tells you Marcel opens up the whole terrace when the weather is warm enough, and sitting out there with the view of the ocean on one side and the town on the other is simply breathtaking. You don’t doubt her.

Chatter flows freely, and at some point Bertolt sobers up enough to stop sulking over Annie being asleep when Jean and Connie challenge him at a game of dart a few minutes before Eren and Mikasa sneak downstairs together. Armin just laughs and shakes his head at his friends’ behavior, and then bids everyone goodnight when he sees how late it is.

“Oh and, Y/N!”

You hum when you look up from Sasha’s phone to smile at him.

“I’ve been thinking about your offer.”

“And?” you grin. “That a yes?”

When he nods, you stand up to hug him goodbye – and also hug him thank-you.

“I’m sure you’ll win the yearly competition this year and keep Mom’s tradition going,” you whisper into his ear before he blushes red and leaves.

Marcel kicks you out sometime later, at half past one, when the rest of the empty bar has already been cleaned and tidied up. You feel remorseful at first at the idea of you and your friends having stayed for so long, but Connie just waves your worries aways when he tells you, “We’re good for business,” as he trips over his own feet even though Sasha and Jean hold him up on both sides.

After you say your goodbyes, you’re left standing there with Reiner. There’s not much noise coming from the town, and for all you know, you could be alone in this world, with just the sound of the waves lapping up at the shore.

“I’ve been drinking,” he says. “I don’t wanna risk driving you home.”

“It’s alright, I can walk. The weather’s nice.” And it really is. The warmth of the summer is finally coming, and soon you’ll all start going to the beach together, if that’s something your friends still do.

“I was thinking…”

He steps closer to you, and you can feel his warm breath on your face. When you look up, all you can think about is that you want to kiss him – his lips, his freckles, every inch of his handsome face. His fingers intertwine with yours, and you feel his calloused skin brush against yours as his hand slips into place.

“What about?” You’re this close to reaching a hand up and touching his cheekbone, his jaw, his stubble. The brine of the ocean floods your senses when you breathe in deeply, and you stare at how utterly pretty he looks in the moonlight as well.

“Gabi’s at a friend’s for a sleepover.”

“Yeah?”

He hums. “You can crash at my place. I’ll help you unbox tomorrow if you need a hand.”

He lights up when you say yes – to both of his offers, but especially to the first one – and you have no clue whether that’s due to the beers he’s had or, much more simply, to you. Zeke warned you not to drive Reiner’s hopes too high, but he didn’t tell you you would also have to keep your feet on the ground. It’s almost as though that kiss you shared sitting on the docks, in the sunlight, with your feet dangling above the water changed everything, put things into motion, and now you can’t stop thinking about him. His lips on yours. His hand in yours. The freckles on his face. The texts he sent you while you were away during the past week.

The walk to his place is quiet, and you both spend it in silence. You feel his gaze checking you out every now and then, but then again, you’re also doing the same. His hand in yours makes you giddy, and you give it a squeeze when the butterflies in your stomach start flying around all over again.

Order and mess clash with each other when you walk into his apartment. There are books neatly stored away on a bookshelf, and then what you assume is his cousin’s algebra book left open on the coffee table in front of the couch, pens scattered everywhere on the wooden surface and a red pencil even on the carpet.

“Damn, I told her to tidy her stuff up!” he mutters under his breath when his gaze lands on her sports bag next to the television. “I kind of understand how my mom must’ve felt when I was Gabi’s age,” he continues in a groan when he picks a basketball tank top off the floor.

You chuckle, trying to imagine him being a father for Gabi. Does he make her breakfast? Does he help her with her homework? Did he show up to her school for Career Day when she was younger?

“Let me help you,” you grin as you kneel down next to the coffee table and start putting pens and highlighters back into the jean pencil case on the couch.

“It’s alright, you don’t–”

“I know it’s been ten years, but have you really forgotten how stubborn I can be?”

He looks down at you, Gabi’s sports bag slung over his left shoulder and her sneakers in his right hand. The smile on his lips makes you all sorts of warm inside as you stay there, unmoving, one hand on the book on the table and the other reaching for the red pencil on the floor.

It’s two in the morning, but you help him tidy up the mess his cousin left behind before she left the house. It’s quiet and cozy, and it makes you want to stay here forever. Not necessarily in this apartment, but simply by Reiner’s side. You work as a team, and it’s as though time hasn’t even passed. As though you never left. You both picked up right from where you left off, and you don’t feel worthy of it, of him, but fuck, if this isn’t what you want.

You end up collapsing on his bed at 2:17, and the taste of beer is still faintly lingering on his tongue when you kiss. He’s slow and steady, his hands on your hips as you straddle him. You gently scrape your nails on his scalp, even more gently pull on his silky hair, and the gasp he lets out into your mouth makes your breath catch in your throat.

Fuck, you could get drunk on him and him alone.

*

Kissing him becomes second nature before you even know it – and in between, you talk about your mothers, about life, about work, life, death, and anything in between.

He kisses you when he stops by your house to check if everything is alright, and you kiss him back.

You kiss him when you drive him to the other side of town, and he kisses you back before throwing the door open.

He gives your lips a peck when you run into each other, and you peck his cheek when you’re hanging out with your friends and they’re not looking.

You tasted him once, and now you want him every day.

It’s exhilarating, the way he makes you feel without going further than a kiss, although the touches you share surely are scalding. He makes you want to slap yourself at the thought of having left all those years ago, but he also doesn’t make you regret ever doing so. It’s just how life had to go, so that you could find yourself here, right now.

This is what you’re thinking about as you sit on a towel at the beach, both of your legs thrown over his right one and bent at the knees, your feet planted onto the ground. He has an arm slung over your knees, and his fingers dance along the side of your calf as he talks with Porco and Pieck.

You’re supposed to be here and hang out to celebrate the fact that you found a job at the local inn, but you’re too distracted to even remember that.

You have no clue, literally no clue, what Annie’s telling you because you’re too busy leaning back on your hands and looking at him. Reiner, of course – the side of his face, the line of his jaw, the freckles on his skin, the way the corner of his lips rises into a smile, that single earring on his right earlobe, or the way he laughs. He grabs a hold of your ankle every time he laughs, and every time he does that, you feel yourself burn a little hotter.

You also try not to let your gaze wander lower than his neck. You know he has a few fine golden chains resting on his collarbones, but you also know that if you let yourself look down at his bare torso, at all those tight muscles, you won’t be able to stop yourself from trying and pushing whatever this flirt you have going on between the two of you is to the next step.

“Stop drooling, you’re making it obvious!” Annie whispers into your ear before leaning her chin on your shoulder. The contact jolts you out of your thoughts, and you turn to look at her, cheeks burning, although you’d like to blame that on the warm, June sun. “I could cut the sexual tension between the two of you with a fucking butter knife.”

She pinches your side, throws a quick ‘bye’ your friends’ way and drags you away from Reiner’s lap – you try not to think about the way you always end up in his lap when kissing gets a bit more heated than it should and he drags you onto him.

You’re walking on the water’s edge before you can stop her, her hand in yours tugging you forward, toward the ice cream kiosk at the beginning of the pier. Laughter bubbles up in your throat, and soon you’re both running together, tugging on each other, splashing water with your feet.

She buys you both a slushy to share and when she takes the first sip from the straw, she looks you dead in the eye. “So.”

“So…” you parrot back, voice hesitant, before snatching the paper cup and quenching some of your thirst and heat.

“You and Reiner…”

You feel your face heat up, your lips break out into a grin, and soon you’re hiding your embarrassment behind the cup of your slushy.

“Fuck, stop being so cute, Y/N!” she jokingly scolds you, walking with you until you’re both sitting on a bench. The cement is scalding underneath your butts, and it makes the both of you yelp. “It’s good to see him finally happy.”

A group of children runs past you at the speed of light, screaming and laughing as they tail the dog that stole their frisbee. Your gaze follows them; they remind you of when you were a kid, always playing around with Reiner, Annie, and Bertolt. Sometimes you’d join the others as well, but most of the time it was the four of you, plus Porco. It feels like at least ten lifetimes ago and yesterday at the same time.

“Although I think you should fuck.”

Her crude words drag you back in a second, and you’re quick at exclaiming her name in warning.

“What?” she asks, playing the innocence card. “That’s what you want, too, don’t lie. He thinks the same, you just have to look at him in the eyes to realize it,” she shrugs. “Or, well, between his legs.”

“Damn, no need to be so upfront about it, Annie,” you groan, snatching the slushy back to use it as an excuse to hide the embarrassment painted all over your face.

“I’m just saying,” she shrugs again. “Just fuck the awkwardness out of your systems so that we can all hang out normally. It’s already hard enough with Eren and Mika–”

“What?” you cut in, confused. “What awkwardness?”

She raises an eyebrow, and just stares at you in silence, suckling from the straw until the last of the slushy has gone and she’s left making noises with the straw.

“What awkwardness?” you insist.

“You’ve been giving each other the bedroom eyes ever since we came back from that quick trip to the city. Sometimes it’s hard to ignore them.”

“What bedroom eyes?”

She parrots you childishly – what bedroom eyes? “There’s three types of couples in our friend group,” she eventually says, matter-of-factly. “One: Historia and Ymir. They’re cool. Just like Mom and Dad supervising their kids. Affectionate just enough in front of them, and then they do their business behind the scenes. Two: Eren and Mikasa. The horny rabbits. If they’re not with us, they’re fucking. If they are with us, it’s only a matter of time before they sneak off to – you guessed it – fuck.”

“Damn, such finesse,” you groan with a roll of your eyes.

“And then three,” she continues, unperturbed, ignoring your comment completely, holding up three fingers. “You and Reiner. I don’t know what’s up with the two of you, you just… don’t fuck. Even though it’s clear on both of your faces that you’re dying to.”

“Damn, you’re annoying,” but your cheeks are burning and you can’t help but look back to where you left your friends… and Reiner. You see a fourth person there, blond hair, red swimming trunks – he’s standing right behind Pieck, and you guess it must be Zeke.

“That’s what BFFs are for,” she grins, turning your head back to face her.

“What about you and Bert, then?” you smirk.

“He’s just pissed I dated Pock for, like, five months and didn���t date him. What about that?” she scoffs.

“He’s into you. Are you into him?”

She rolls her eyes. “Mind your business.”

You’re on a constant gravitational orbit toward and around each other, you and Reiner. When you go back to your beach umbrella, his hands end up on your legs again, and your legs end up in his lap again. And then, later on in the day, when you end up in Zeke’s backyard for an impromptu barbeque night, you end up sitting next to each other.

The meat is incredible – and it couldn’t be any other way when Connie and Jean team up on grill duty. The beer is nicely cold, and it goes down like water, although neither you nor Reiner end up drinking much.

After Annie’s words on the beach, you end up observing your group of friends a bit better.

The way Bertolt sneaks glances at your best friend, and the way she doesn’t seem to be doing anything about it.

The way Pieck and Zeke help each other with plates or bottles or taking away the trash – never obvious, always subtle, but they still work as a team together. You wonder how long it’s been going on between the two of them, whether he’d really like to have your house. To settle down with her. Have kids. You wonder why they’re not coming clean, but you guess everyone has different timings.

Then, you notice the way Reiner’s thigh brushes up against yours. Your sarong doesn’t do anything to prevent his burning skin from touching yours.

You notice the way his knee bounces up and down, under the table, as he talks about a basketball game with Pock and Marcel, Reiner’s lips barely kissing the rim of his beer bottle.

You feel your chest open up when he turns to you for a moment, all smiley, his eyes crinkling, before he’s back to bickering with his friends about the match’s final results.

Maybe Annie is right, you think. Maybe it is clear on your face that you want to do things to and with him, because you can barely take your eyes off of him. His skin has tanned just a bit ever since you arrived for your mother’s funeral, and a few more freckles have made an appearance on his face. The blond of his hair is a tad bit lighter as well, lightened by the sun and the salty water.

Carefully, doing your best not to get caught, you slide your hand from your lap to his thigh, and you give it a light squeeze. You feel the muscle, the way it moves under his skin when he contacts it for a moment before relaxing, not losing a beat as he keeps on talking. His knee stops bouncing, and if you’d paid attention, you would’ve noticed his breath catch in his throat for a second.

But you’re not paying attention to that. You’re thinking about the way he looked this afternoon, at the beach. In the water, on the towel, running after some kid’s soccer ball after she yelled for help when her friend’s kick had sent it too far away. All flesh and muscle, with sweat and water glinting on his skin under the sun.

You feel yourself pulse everywhere, and you’re not even aware you’re spacing out until Sasha plops down on the bench next to you with a full plate of ribs and hearts in her eyes.

“Wan’ one?” she asks with a full mouth, and it’s as though she’s grinning with her eyes as she looks at you, a rib held tight between grease-stained fingers.

You shake your head no, your fingertips digging into Reiner’s thigh as you press yours together. “No, thanks, I’m good. I’ve already eaten enough.”

“If you say so,” she shrugs and goes back to digging into her food.

Her love for food hasn’t changed over the years, and you find it cute. She makes your appetite come back if you watch her eat long enough, that’s for sure.

“I think I could do with some dessert, though.” That’s what Reiner whispers into your ear, his lips brushing against the shell of your ear, before he’s back to chatting with the Galliard brothers.

It’s like thunder goes off inside your head, it catches you off guard. For once, Reiner makes it hard for you to breathe. Making out with him does unspeakable things to you, but that veiled innuendo… You’re suddenly aware of your pussy, and you’re forced to cross your legs in the vain attempt to get a grip on yourself.

This is not the time for this, you unsuccessfully tell yourself, but now all you can think about is Reiner’s head between your legs.

Your grip on his thigh tightens and when you glance at him from the corner of your eye, you see him smirk.

The night drags on slowly, excruciatingly so.

Sometime after ten, your legs end up crossed over both of his, his left hand wrapped tightly around your right shin to keep them in place. You can feel him. You’ve already felt him while making out, of course, but now he’s half-hard against the side of your thigh and under his swimming trunks, and your lungs squeeze again.

The look in Annie’s eyes as she stares at you brings you back to your shared slushy on the beach. It seems to say I told you so and Please, just get out of here already, but you have no clue how you’ll manage to get up and trust your legs not to give out underneath you – at the thought of Reiner, at the thought of you with Reiner, of that hand of his wrapped about something that’s not your shin.

The calloused skin of his fingers is making goosebumps wash over the skin of your legs when Connie and Jean finally drag Sasha away before she has the chance to empty Zeke’s pantry, and Eren and Mikasa take care of picking a way-too-drunk Armin up on his feet.

“The shop might stay closed tomorrow morning,” Mikasa grimaces when she glances at you and then tilts her chin into Armin’s direction.

You just laugh it off. Plus, it’s not your shop anymore, and Armin’s been overworking himself for way too long, according to Annie, so you’re sure he deserves more than just one morning off.

“Less beers next time, Marcel,” Pieck warns, looking at the man in question with pleading eyes.

“Noted!”

Zeke has already closed down the barbeque, and both Annie and Pieck are gathering the dirty dishes on the outdoor picnic table to bring them inside. When you finally spring up to your feet to help them, feeling guilty at making them do everything while Pock and Bertolt placidly share a cigarette on the deck chairs a few meters away, Annie’s the one to shoo you away.

“Go home, please, I’m tired of seeing your face for today.”

A hand on your shoulder makes you whip around, and you’re not exactly surprised to meet Reiner’s gaze.

“Come, I’ll give you a lift home.” The look in his eyes seems to tell you a whole different thing, however, and you feel those butterflies in your stomach for the billionth time today.

Maybe it’s true. Maybe everyone and their mother has caught up on the way you two look at each other, you think when you see he’s wrapped a sweatshirt around his hips, conveniently covering the front of his pants.

You don’t make it back to your house. He stops his dirt bike right in front of the two-floor building that hosts his apartment and before you know it, he’s dragged you up the stairs and pushed you through the door, all while kissing your breath away.

“Fuck,” he grunts, picking you up like you weigh nothing and kicking the door closed.

His skin is burning hot against yours, and it’s like something inside the both of you snapped. All the pining of the past few weeks, all the glances, the touches, the kissing. It all escalates until he drops you down onto the kitchen table and his lips move from yours to your neck.

The sucking and marking goes straight to your core, and you find yourself breathless much faster than you’d ever be proud to admit. But he’s so rough and tender at the same time, his hands tugging at the knot in your sarong and yours tugging at the sweatshirt still wrapped around his waist… You feel your sanity slowly drip away.

When you open your eyes, you see a picture hanging on the wall – a teenaged Reiner, his mother, and his kid cousin Gabi.

Gabi!

You gasp when she crosses your mind, and you’re quick at pulling Reiner’s head away from the crook of your neck with a tug on his hair that makes him moan out loud, the sound shooting straight to your core.

“I’m sorry, I–” He’s panting, lips redder than they were at Zeke’s house, and breath just as cut-short as yours. The unfocused look in your eyes makes you clench around nothing.

“We can’t.” You can barely talk above a whisper, eyes glancing rapidly into the direction of the corridor that leads to Gabi’s room.

The expression on his face shatters and falls, and you watch it happen live, front row and all. “I– I’m sorry if I misinter–”

“You think I don’t want you?” you chuckle, trying to be as quiet as you can while keeping an eye on the hall. You really don’t want to see Gabi again for the first time after all these years while you’re tongue-deep down her cousin’s throat and half-naked on their kitchen table. “Fuck, Reiner, I’ve been thinking about you being balls deep insipe me all night!” you grunt, a hand sliding up his chest and behind his neck, and the other down his stomach until it rests on his crotch.

Fuck.

He’s big.

When he groans out loud at the way you palm him through his swimming trunks, your hand shoots up to slap against his mouth, a stern shh! slipping past your lips that makes his eyes go wide.

“I don’t wanna fuck with your cousin in the house,” you whisper-yell, and for a moment he’s too taken aback to even breathe, but then he’s full-belly laughing, his hand wrapping around your wrist to take your hand off of his face.

“Shit, you almost scared me,” he smiles when he calms down, leaning forward over you, his hands on either side of your butt on the table. His eyes slip downward for a moment, looking at the way your chest moves with every breath – or at the way the top of your bikini can’t conceal the way your nipples pebble. “Gabi’s out.”

“Huh?”

He nods, leaning his head down and catching your lips with his for a quick kiss before he’s pulling on your lower lip with his teeth. “She went out with her friends for Falco’s birthday or something like that, so she’s not coming back tonight.”

His hands grab your hips and pull you forward, until you’re right on the edge of the table and he’s pressed right against you. The feel of his erection against your core makes your head dizzy and the panties of your bikini even wetter.

“We can still stop here if you–”

“I want you.”

It makes your head spin, the way he’d stop if that’s what you wanted, even despite the fact that he feels rock hard against you.

His hands slide up your sides, thumbs brushing over your nipples before they move back down and unknot your sarong. Fuck, you want those hands everywhere.

“You want me?” he hums, lips attaching to your neck once again. “I want you, too,” he says, giving your hips an experimental roll of his own. The feeling shoots up your spine, it makes your head fall back, and he’s quick enough to move a hand and cradle the back of your neck.

“Not here,” you whisper. Gabi might not be home, but you don’t want to do it on the table she has breakfast on every day.

“‘Course not.” His chuckle is whispered into your ear as he picks you up again.

A look in his clouded eyes and you’re kissing him again, and it’s all tongue and teeth and lips. Your nails lightly rake down his back, and you feel him thrust up against you again as you close your eyes, dizzy and wet and pulsing all over. You pray to whoever’s listening that he knows his way around his house even with his eyes closed.

You’re both naked before you know it – Reiner sitting on the edge of his bed, and you kneeling between his legs, your fingertips digging into the flesh of his thighs. His cock is heavy on your tongue and the longer you blow him, the more you feel your jaw grow sore. His moans keep you going nonetheless, and when he tugs on your hair and you whimper around him, he’s quick at pulling you off.

He looks so good, you think as you look up at him – breathing raggedly above you, with the upper part of his chest flushed red and his eyes closed, his lips parted.

The tip of your tongue teases his slit and you barely have the time to wrap your lips around the head of his dick again that he’s whimpering, a sound low in the back of his throat, and pulling you up harshly.

“You’re gonna make me come if you keep that up,” he pants against your lip as you straddle one of his thighs.

“Yeah, genius,” you giggle against his jaw as you roll your hips against his quad. His skin is burning, and the way your wet labia drag against his thigh only makes your own temperature rise higher. “That kind of was the plan.”

With your hand wrapped around his cock, slowly pumping him, it takes him a moment before he’s able to think again. In the meantime, you take his expressions in. The way his lips part, and the imprints of his teeth in his lower lip – you suck it between yours. The way his eyes lose focus as his head tilts back. His hips stammer, caught between the need to fuck himself up into your fist and the need to fuck himself into you. When you look down, you see the way he twitches in your hold, dripping pre-cum – it doesn’t take you long to wipe your thumb over his flushed-red tip.

His only word is a whispered, “Please.”

You don’t think you’ve ever heard him beg for anything in all the years you’ve known him, let alone in the bedroom. The quivering of his timbre tugs at something within you, however, and you let your hand slide down to cup his balls, your other hand holding his shoulder tight to keep your balance as you keep on slowly riding his thigh.

“I want you to come, Rei,” you whisper back, lips barely brushing against the shell of his ear, and he grabs your hips in his hands, fingertips digging harshly into your flesh as you keep on pumping him and teasing his tip with your thumb.

“Inside you.” The look in his eyes when he tilts his head back forward and stares into yours is desperate and insistent, it makes your breath catch in your throat. His lips catch yours into a barely-there kiss, but he’s keeping his eyes open and you can’t break eye contact.

You grin when he twitches in your hold, your thumb teasing the underside of his cock’s head. “You can do that later, too.”

A few more pumps of your hand and he’s seizing up, moaning. He twitches in your hand, and you feel his cum drip down onto and in-between your fingers as you gently fist him through his orgasm until he eventually comes down from it. He’s breathing heavily, and he’s barely able to keep himself sitting up straight as he takes it all in – your dripping folds still sliding along his thigh with every lazy roll of your hips; your pebbled nipples brushing against the flushed skin of his chest; your butterfly kisses and licks along the line of his jaw and down the side of his neck.

He grunts your name when you tease his head with your thumb. “Fuck,” he whispers, and then laughs when your only answer is “Me.” Because you do want him to fuck you. Into the mattress, into the next morning. Hell, into your next life if you’re so lucky as to have one.

After all the kisses, the lingering gazes, the barely-there touches… A brush of his hand on the back of yours. His hand wrapped around your ankle on the beach. Your fingers combing through his hair on your porch. His lips barely kissing the rim of a beer bottle. And then all your texts back and forth when you went back to the city to finally leave everything behind – innocent and then suggestive and then back to innocent.

He has you whipped for him, and the way he’s staring at you now, panting lightly, makes you think he also is whipped for you. You have him wrapped around your little finger and he…

His hand wraps gently around yours and pulls you away from his sensitive, softening cock.

“I’ve been thinking about having you like this for so long,” he mumbles into your cheek before he presses a kiss to your skin. His left hand trails up your side, and his right hand slips between your body and his thigh to cup your sex. “Fantasy still doesn’t compare,” he continues in a grunt when his fingers tease your wetness.

His touch makes you gasp, and when he tentatively slips a finger into you, your nails dig into the muscles of his back as a moan of his name leaves your lips. He doesn’t seem to mind that one of your hands is still covered in his cum when you use it to push yourself closer to him.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you today.” His voice is rough in your ear as he fingers you, first with one finger and then with two. Your hips roll into his hand out of their own accord as you slowly lose the ability to control yourself. “You and that goddamned bikini of yours.”

You can see your bikini bra slung over his bedside lamp when you lean your cheek against his shoulder, panting into his skin as the pads of his fingers massage that sweet, sweet spot inside you and his thumb teases your clit.

“Couldn’t even keep my hands off of you.” He kisses your shoulder, and his free hand moves up your back, making goosebumps tug at your skin as his fingertips trace the line of your spine.

Your body is pressed so close to him that there’s no chance he can’t hear the heavy thump-thump of your heart against his chest, stomping like hooves inside your ribcage, against your lungs, cutting your breath short. This time you are the one to let out a whispered, strangled, “Fuck,” as his fingers hike you higher and higher toward your orgasm.

It’s there, barely out of reach, and yet still brushing against your skin.

“And then at the barbeque…” He breathes you in, and the way his chest inflates against yours makes you shudder. “Could barely listen to what Pock was saying.”

His thumb flicks your clit, and you feel your toes curl against the tiles of the floor. Your thighs tense and quiver, and the rhythm of your hips picks up just slightly when he manages to fit a third finger inside you.

The stretch is a pleasant burn that spreads throughout your whole body, but you know you need all this to fully take him.

When you lean back slightly and move one of your hands to lean against his chest, nails slightly digging into the muscles of his pecs, you know you’re close. Words and praises bubble up in your mind, but nothing but moans and whimpers leaves your lips as you stare into his eyes. He’s smiling and fuck, is he the prettiest view you’ve seen in your whole entire life.

He’s getting hard again, you notice when you shift your leg, the one trapped between his, and that’s enough to make the whole room spin – or maybe it’s just your head as it tilts back and you ride his hand.

“Fuck, Reiner.” Your voice is breathless and you can’t even keep your eyes open anymore, your eyelids are forcing themselves shut.

He does something, then. It’s in the way his fingers drag against the walls of your vagina, in the way he circles your clit, in the way he bounces his leg up. You’re sent spiraling head-first into pure bliss as your walls clench around his fingers and your legs around his thigh. Your nails drag down the expanse of his chest and his back, one hand in the front and the other on the back, and for a moment there’s nothing else beyond your body curled into his and his breath against your skin, his lips kissing and his tongue licking over the hickey in the crook of your neck.

It takes you a while to come back down from your high. You’re out of breath and tingly all over, and when you manage to restart your brain, you’re almost painfully aware of how sensitive you are between your legs. His fingers in and on you make you whimper loudly, and you’re so glad Gabi’s out because there’s no way in hell you’d ever be able to muffle the sounds slipping freely past your kiss-swollen lips.

He’s there when you come back down to planet Earth, Reiner. He sucks his fingers clean of your juices and then pecks your lips, and when he deepens the kiss – slips his tongue into your mouth and right against yours so that you can taste yourself – you swear you’ve never breathed better.

His hands on your hips pull you closer to him and right into his lap, and his erection presses up between the two of you. You barely hear him hiss as his splayed-out hand on the middle of your back pushes your chest flat against his.

“Fuck, I need you,” he mumbles against your lips when he eventually breaks the kiss. He picks you up just enough so that he can lay you down onto his bed, and when he hovers over you, his necklaces dangling in your face, you grab onto the fine, golden chains and pull him down again.

Your taste on his tongue is addictive, and when his hips roll against yours, you can’t help but moan into the kiss. Your hand is already trailing down his chest and abdomen when he pulls back and sits on his haunches, between your spread legs, and keeps your hand pressed against your belly.

He looks at you as though he wants to commit you to memory – every line and curve of your body, every angle, every scar. The way you’re panting. Your parted lips. Your unfocused eyes. The way the fingers of your other hand come up to play with a nipple. And then that soft Reiner, drawled out until you go silent and buck your hips up. And you live for every second of it – every second of his eyes on you, every slight twitch of his cock, the way he so effortlessly has you pinned down to the bed.

“I need you,” you whine, voice barely there, repeating his earlier words.

It switches something inside him: his breath catches in his throat and he groans once, low and drawled-out, before he’s fishing a condom from the drawer of his bedside table and sliding it down his length.

When he finally settles back between your legs, he lets you pull him in for another kiss. It’s sloppy and slow this time, both of you tasting and consuming the other, tongues brushing together as your breathing deepens. Then, he’s pushing three fingers back into you without build-up to make sure you’re ready for him, and you feel his uncertainty when he starts slowly fingering you again before you dig your fingers into his back and moan a Please, Rei right into his ear when your fingers wrap around his dick.

You see him shut his eyes for a moment and when he pulls his fingers out of you and you brush his tip against your entrance, you see the way his lower lip quivers when he exhales.

Then, he’s sliding into you. It’s one slow, long thrust into your heat and it has your back to arch into him, and he’s quick at wrapping his lips around one of your nipples, your fingers tangling in his hair.

His name falls from your lips in a drawled-out moan and by the time his hips finally press against yours, you’re panting, legs wrapped tightly around his waist with his left hand keeping your right thigh in place.

“Fuck, you’re tight.” His eyes are squeezed shut when he leans his forehead against yours.

The stretch burns for a while, and his hand moves from your thigh to in-between your bodies to play with your clit. The added sensation makes sparks go off behind your closed eyelids and you barely have the time to feel his cock twitch inside you that he’s already pulling his hips back before rolling them back into you.

The rhythm is slow and controlled, focused more on making you relax around him, and when the volume of your moans finally rises, he ruts into you, groaning and grunting into your ear as you hold him to you.

You don’t even think you’ve ever felt this full before; it borders on uncomfortable as your walls flutter around him. But his mouth on your neck makes you forget about anything else as he bites and sucks at the sensitive skin.

Your orgasm unexpectedly pulls you under when he ruts his hips into you slightly harder, at a slightly different angle, his hands underneath your ass to pull you up a bit. It’s quick and sudden, and it doesn’t take you long to come down from it, but it still leaves you breathless. When you open your eyes and find him staring down at you, you can’t help but chuckle.

“Am I that good?” he wonders, surprise laced with his voice as he keeps on relentlessly pounding into you, now sitting up straight with your legs still wrapped around his waist. When you can’t even answer, he says, “Fuck, that was hot.”

You’re barely able to whisper out a I didn’t even feel it coming, but your breath is cut short when he leans forward, his hands trailing up your sides until he’s squeezing on your breasts and kissing your sanity away.

His lips on yours and his hands on your body build your pleasure up again, and before you know it, you’re both moaning and grunting into each other’s ears, his hips relentlessly rolling into yours as his dick hits that one spot inside you that always makes your toes curl. It’s like he’s already got you all figured out, and goes straight to the target until you’re whimpering nonsense again, and this time you feel him right behind you, his cock twitching as he moans into your ear.

When you come this time, it’s intense, the angle he’s taking you in heightening the sensation of his pelvis brushing against your clit, and you have to fight against yourself not to lose consciousness. You feel him empty inside you, sheathed in his condom, and he trembles when he collapses against you, hips still sloppily thrusting into you. You barely catch what he says before you close your eyes for a moment, that You’re enough for me whispered softly into the crook of your neck as you hold the back of his head.

*

You’re sore all over when you wake up the next morning, and you realize you didn’t even notice falling asleep.

His body is warm against yours, and his chest rises and falls slowly as he sleeps peacefully with an arm wrapped around you. It makes you smile, and the butterflies that start fluttering around inside your belly at the thought of him – and of you in his arms, in his bed, sore between your legs after last night and most definitely marked up all over – but when you push yourself up onto an elbow to look at him, peace washes over you.

The first sunlight of the morning is seeping in through a crack in the curtains in a blade of light and it makes his skin almost glow golden. It hits the right side of his face, and you raise a hand to shield him from the light.

“What are you doing awake?” he mutters, eyes still closed but lips slowly stretching into an amused smile. His arm tightens his hold around you and when he shifts his leg and brushes up against your sensitive core, you hiss.

“Just admiring the view.”

His eyes open and he seems taken by surprise when he finds you looking down at him and not at the ocean visible through his window and the see-through curtains. “Me?”

“What else?” you chuckle, leaning down to peck his cheek.

Lying there with him is peaceful. You just listen to the steady beat of his heart as you trace invisible lines on his chest. You know he’s looking at you, and it makes you all giddy inside – he just looks, doesn’t say a word, until his hand moves up from your lower back to the back of your head and tilts it so that you’re looking up at him.

He looks at you as though there’s something he wants to say, but he eventually just smiles and sighs before pecking your lips. “Let’s shower,” he says. “I’ll make you breakfast when we’re done.”

He ends up going down on you again in the shower, and you pay him back with a handjob that has him coming over your stomach as you kiss under the warm jet of the shower.

When you walk back into the kitchen, dressed in a pair of his boxers and a t-shirt too big on you, you’re caught red-handed by Gabi eating cereal straight out of the box, sitting at the table. Reiner tenses up behind you, and you feel blood rush to your cheeks as you stand there barely dressed, your hair still dripping water onto the cotton of the t-shirt.

“Hey,” you break the silence and Reiner’s fingers twitch on your hip.

Gabi gives you both a once over before her face morphs into a grimace. “Gee, I’m glad I didn’t sleep here. Gross.”

A minute ticks by before Reiner speaks. “I didn’t think you’d be back so early. Did something happen?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know, ask Falco and his stupid crush.” She munches on her quick breakfast before adding: “Anyway. Who the hell are you?”

She ends up blushing when she recognizes you, but you know you’re the one burning hotter at having been caught like this. You remember her as a kid, and now that you see her for the first time since then, you can’t help but think of how much she’s changed. Of how much she’s grown. And when you hang out later on in the day, after Reiner’s given you a lift back home on his dirt bike and you’ve had the chance to wear proper clothes, you can’t help but think about what a good job Reiner’s done, raising her.

*

Exactly one year after your mother’s passing and all that it brought along – a change of heart, a change of mind, regaining your old friends, starting over with Reiner – you’re sitting in your childhood home’s living room, with the only difference that it’s now not your house anymore.

Zeke wasn’t kidding when he said he’d love to buy the house, and buy it he did. He changed some things, brought over some of his old furniture – and some of Pieck’s as well. All the old appliances have been changed, and all that needed to be renewed has been renewed. The house has changed its appearance, but it’s still just as lively as it used to be when you were a kid.

It gives you a peace of mind you didn’t even know you needed.

“So,” Zeke clears his throat and everyone at the dining room table quietens.

You’re sitting next to Reiner and you have his warm hand between yours, resting in your lap under the table. He’s smiling down at you, but when you turn to look at him, he whips his head back forward. You know what kind of mood he’s in, and you can’t wait to drag his ass back to your place so that you can give it to him.

“There’s something I wanted you all to know,” Zeke continues as Porco and Bertolt come back with cold beers.

He looks over at Pieck and finds her already smiling at him, and as you look at them, you can’t help but smile yourself.

“Yeah, we already know,” Eren butts in, bored, grabbing the beer he’s being handed and passing it to you.

“What?”

“You and Pieck,” he shrugs. “We been knew.”

You all minus the two ‘adults’ laugh at the way Mikasa slaps Eren’s shoulder at his language.

“All this time?” Pieck asks, baffled.

“Maybe not since the beginning,” Marcel confirms. “But for the past two years and a half…”

“Pretty obvious, yeah,” Annie agrees, and everyone else nods.

Zeke and Pieck look at each other, and it’s then that Eren says, “It got even more obvious when you bought a house with her.”

The disappointment of a spoiled surprise passes quickly among friends. You all chat, and drink, and then eat some of the apple pie Pieck baked for the housewarming party. When it comes to opening the unexpected gifts, you even have the chance of laughing at the way Zeke unexpectedly stammers at the box of condoms his younger brother got him.

“I’m glad you stayed,” Reiner says when you both walk out the door and down the three steps of the porch. You haven’t seen your mother’s ghost standing there for months now, and all the times you’ve stopped by in the past six months, you’ve only had Pieck or Zeke greet you back home. “Here, with me,” he goes on, slipping his hand into yours and intertwining your fingers.

The sun shines down warm on you, and you look at the way it kisses his skin. His freckles have started to darken again now that spring has come and he’s been spending more time outside.

You smile, inhaling deeply and leaning up to peck his lips. Jean and Eren holler behind you, and you briefly see Annie flip them off from the corner of your eye. It makes you chuckle.

“Yeah, I’m glad to be home.”

“What about me?” His pouts always make you warm inside. Over the past year, you’ve gotten to see this new side of him. The Boyfriend – and all that comes with it. Coffee dates. Movie nights. Late night car rides. Walks along the shore. Basketball games, the both of you sitting on the benches as his cousin plays with her team.

“You’re so obtuse sometimes,” you joke, waving at your friends as you drag Reiner by his hand. It’s not going to be the quickest walk back to your place, but you love spending time like this with him, just the two of you. “What else do you think I consider home?”

He doesn’t have time to blush because your phone goes off with an incoming text and when he sees Gabi’s name pop up on the screen, he’s suddenly alarmed.

[3:47 PM] Gabi: girls’ night tn?

[3:47 PM] Gabi: i need tips for That Thing

Reiner frowns, and you smoothen out his expression with your thumb, massaging between his eyebrows, when you catch him like that. Then, it hits him. “Is she fucking someone?!”

It makes you chuckle, the way he worries about her, how close they are. You consider yourself lucky and honored that she took you in as a sister figure.

“Not yet, she just needs help telling her crush she likes him,” you eventually answer, shooting her a text back to tell her to be ready to be picked up at seven. Then, when you look back up at him, you smile and kiss him. “Don’t worry, I won’t let her make dumb decisions.”

“I’m glad you two get along. Makes spending the rest of my life with you a lot better.”

He’s grinning, eyes burning golden under the afternoon sun, and the longer you stare at him, the more your lips break out into a smile.

They make breathing a lot easier, Reiner and the way he shines in the sunlight.

Yeah, you think to yourself, sliding your hand back into his. I’m home.

Tumblr runs on reblogs, so if you’re in the mood, consider sharing this fic with your friends. However, any form of feedback is welcome :)

The video used for the gif was downloaded from Pexels.com last year and since my laptop broke in the meantime, I lost the link and have no clue what I typed to find it. Credits to owner/s! Nvm, I found it: https://www.pexels.com/video/flowers-plant-plants-flower-4273471/

#reiner braun #reiner braun x reader #reiner braun x you #reiner braun smut #reiner smut #attack on titan #attack on titan smut #attack on titan x reader #aot #aot x reader #aot smut #reiner x reader #angelaiswriting

[ghost-ghost-baby]

Narcissist (alpha!readerxOmega!Bakugo soulmate au)

An: this is heavily inspired by the song narcissist by younger hunger definitely recommend listening to it!

An: BIG TY TO MY BETA FOR EDITING THIS ABSOLUTE MONSTER OF A FIC WE STAN!

Word count: 3.2k (ur welcome)

Summary: Bakugo being a little shit basically- Mina and Denki r sick of him- reader runs out of scent blockers-

Warnings: omegaverse, swearing, Bakugo being a dick, reader just thinks he’s hot, gets a bit spicy but nothing graphic, non traditional dynamics (subby alphas) drug use (weed)

You were in a familiar room, one you’d come to love since you’d started dreaming of it, and you sat on the bed and waited… any moment now.

“Oi, are you here, shithead?” The voice of your omega was dreamier than it was in real life; his harsh words unable to punctuate the tranquility of your dream.

“I always am, Katsuki!” You chirped, grinning as he slowly faded into existence. The black tank top and jeans he wears make him look far too good, and your brain short-circuited for a few seconds.

“I told you not to fucking call me that!” He growled, but you only laughed. Reaching out to grab his hands before he could stop you, you pull him down so you could kiss him. Any anger he had quickly melted away, and Katsuki had pulled one hand away to rest on your shoulder and pushed back. You got the point, you pulled away for air and leaned back on your elbows as you did. Katsuki followed and straddled you without a moment of hesitation. His mouth latched onto your neck and you let out a hum. With one hand gravitating to tangle in his hair, he gave you another push that had you lying flat on your back.

“Hey-”

“Shut the fuck up, don’t ruin this.” Katsuki bit down on your throat and you squeaked, although he licked over the mark seconds later to soothe it, and only pulled away to kiss you when you tried to talk again. You melted, let your hands wander down to his thighs, and had your thumbs rubbing absent-minded circles. Then, Katsuki was unbuttoning the shirt you had on, hands quickly trailing lower to-

“Y/N! Did you hear what Mr. Aizawa said?” Mina’s voice brought you back from the dream you had the night before, and you blinked at her as you blanked.

“No way I'm working with their dumbass!” Katsuki snarled as Kiri forced him into a seat at your table, and you turned your head to Sero with a questioning look. He usually knew what was going on in class.

“We have a group project for a presentation, Mr. Aizawa picked the groups-”

“Oh hell yeah, all my best bro’s working together? Sounds like fun to me!” Denki leaned over to hug you and Mina, and the pieces started to click together. You were working on an art project, with your mate, who hate-

“How could anything be fun with Y/n around, they fucking ruin everything.” Katsuki grumbled to himself, refusing to meet your eyes despite sitting opposite you. Kiri mouthed an apology to you from his seat next to Katsuki. Honestly, you had no idea why he’d decided to act like… such a brat really, but it was just an act, however annoying it was. The two of you were soulmates, he’d come around, eventually.

“Oh hush, Bakugo, Y/n’s a riot and we all know it! You’re the one who goes to sleep at like, 8pm” Denki came to your aid. The electric blonde then pressed a kiss to your cheek that had Katsuki gritting his teeth.

“So, what's the project, guys?” You flipped through your book to a fresh page, resting your chin on your hand as you waited for the others to speak.

“We have to show the versatility of styles and composition under a singular theme!” Kiri was the one that answered you, and the group immediately started throwing around ideas.

“I think we could do horror, a lot of horror artists have different composition styles and still manage to convey the-”

“Tch, that’s the best you could come up with? I’m not surprised, an alpha as shitty as you can’t be capable of any decent ideas.” Katsuki sneered, but you only smiled at him as the group agreed with your idea. Your omega merely grumbled and hunched over in his seat as the group discussed the different artists you could use as examples.

You’d stayed late to double-check something with a professor, and you were still flipping through your notebook as you walked through the unusually empty halls. You weren’t paying attention to where you were going, and before you knew it you ran into someone, the same someone who shoved you against a wall seconds later, but your fear subsided when you realised it was just Katsuki.

“Watch where you’re fucking going, dipshit.” Katsuki wasn’t even sure why he’d pushed you up against the wall, but being this close to you, touching you… it was..nice…

“Tch, god your scent is so weak, you smell like a fucking beta, how’d I get stuck with such a runt, huh? Some sick kind of joke.” Katsuki’s tone didn't match what he was saying. The way he leaned forward to rub his cheek over your scent gland definitely said otherwise, but you stayed quiet, he always found some excuse to scent you, but he’d usually get embarrassed and storm off if you dared to say anything.

“You’re pathetic, you know? Being this submissive for an omega, are you sure you’re not a beta? It’d make more sense.” You bit your lip when Bakugo pressed a kiss to your neck, only hesitating a moment before he started sucking a mark onto your skin. His words bounced right off of you because all you could focus on was how hot he was and how he’d subconsciously put his thigh between your legs and thank fuck you were on scent blockers, or you’d never hear the end of it.

“Really, you aren’t even going to try and defend yourself? You’re even weaker than I thought.” A growl next to your ear made you shiver, and Katsuki pushed away with a snarl when he was satisfied. He cursed at you again and warned you ‘not to tell anyone or he’d kick your ass’ (he wouldn’t) before he walked away, leaving you to walk home with your head completely in the clouds.

“What took you so fucking long, huh idiot?” Katsuki was on you the second you appeared in the dream, pulling you down into a rather ferocious kiss before you could say anything. He bit your lip when you didn’t open your mouth fast enough, swallowing any protests you would have made, and continued to kiss you until you were dizzy. “I’ve been waiting two hours…” He pulled away to kiss under your jaw, and if you didn’t know him so well you’d miss the insecure tone in his voice.

“Sorry, Midoriya wanted-” You stopped when Katsuki growled, biting down so hard you were surprised he didn't draw blood.

“Why the fuck are you saying his name here, huh? Are you tryna piss me off?” He pulled away to sneer at you. You opened your mouth to explain, but the words died in your throat when he unzipped your hoodie, and any coherent thought you had went out the window when he started to kiss your neck.

Everything was ready. The lounge room was set up, complete with snacks, drinks, and stationery for you and your friends to work on the project. They were meant to be here any second, and you couldn’t help but hover near the door to your apartment. You weren’t used to having people over and it still put you on edge having others in your space. But that thought left your head when a knock sounded on your door. You quickly opened it and were almost knocked over by Denki and Mina engulfing you in a hug.

“Thanks so much for hosting bro!”

“Awww you laid out all these snacks and stuff too! An omega’s gonna be really lucky to have you one day Y/n!” They pushed inside. Denki closed the door as Mina oohed and aahed over the setup, their praise had a slight blush rising to your face as you sheepishly rubbed your neck. Sero was next, quickly hugging you before he joined Denki and Mina, then Katsuki and Kirishima last. The blonde pushed past you without saying hello, but Kiri pulled you into a hug so tight you couldn’t breathe for a second, and was complimenting the setup as you took a seat. You tried to sit next to Mina, but Denki let out a whine and the pair was pulling you down between them before you had time to protest. Denki immediately leaned on you once you were settled. Katsuki couldn’t focus on the project, how could he, when his two dipshit friends were all over his mate. And you weren’t even doing anything to stop them! In fact, you were leaning into their hugs and giggling at every stupid joke they made! It had Katsuki fuming. Kirishima was the only one close enough to smell the angry shift in his scent, and he glanced between his friend and you, slowly putting the pieces together. You really had no idea what was happening, but Denki’s head was on your shoulder, and Mina’s arm around your waist as she asked questions about the project, giggling and pressing a kiss to your cheek whenever you got confused, which happened more than you’d like to admit. The blonde gritted his teeth when Mina’s hand went to your thigh, you were his! Nobody else should ever be touching you like that! You should know better! So when you excused yourself to grab something from your room, of course he made up some excuse about needing the bathroom so he could follow you.

The door to your room closed with a click, and you quickly spun around, expecting to see Mina or Denki, anyone except Katsuki to be honest.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” He was seeing red at this point. He cornered you and made you stumble back until your waist hit your desk.

“Uh- getting more pens-?” You held out the pack of pens with a confused look on your face that only made Katsuki angrier. How were you so stupid? And so fucking cute when you were- he cut off that thought, he needed to focus on yelling at you. Not the way your brows furrowed and how you nervously bite your lip as you waited for him to say something. Wait- were you blushing? Fuck, maybe he should-

“Katsuki? Are you oka-“

“Shut the fuck up, dipshit.” He snarled. Then, catching you both off guard, he leaned forward and kissed you. Your eyes fluttered closed immediately. He’d only kissed you in your dreams, which was nothing compared to this, and you hesitantly placed your hands on his waist. His hands went to your hair to pull you closer, tugging it until you got the message and parted your lips for him. Katsuki let out a hum of approval as he deepened the kiss, why hadn’t he done this sooner? You couldn’t focus on anything other than how much Katsuki tasted like caramel, he didn’t taste like caramel in the dreams. You couldn’t help but whine when he pulled back. Another insistent tug on your hair had you tilting your head back, and Katsuki didn’t waste any time kissing over your neck. You were so lost in the feeling you almost missed the words he growled against your skin.

“You should know better, you’re mine. Other people shouldn’t be fucking touching you like that.”

“Do you think they’re like…. Finally-” Mina made a hand gesture that had Denki cackling, even Kiri cracked a smile.

“I hope so, it’s getting hard to watch all the back and forth.” Sero sighed, dropped his pen, and stretched.

“Yeah, have you seen how mad Bakubro gets though? It’s pretty fun to push his buttons like this!” Denki grinned as he leaned his head on Mina’s shoulder, and she wrapped her arm around his waist.

“I don’t know… Bakugo’s uh… stubborn, to put it nicely.”

“Your scent is weird… are you wearing a different perfume?” Mina leaned her head on your shoulder, arms wrapped around your waist as you glanced at Katsuki. After whatever the fuck had happened in your room, he’d gone back to acting like he hated you, so, you’d kept letting Denki and Mina do whatever they wanted. He had his eyes fixated on the work, and you turned back to Mina with a smile.

“Oh, sorry about that! I forgot to refill my scent blockers and my doctor’s not available until next week.”

“Don’t be sorry, bro! It’s nice, like really, really nice!” Denki came up behind you, throwing a quick glance at Katsuki before he leaned forward, crooning and rubbing his cheek over your scent gland, Mina doing the same a moment later. The pen Katsuki was holding snapped, his angry scent pumping out in waves as he glared daggers into the book in front of him, all too aware of you laughing.

You were hyper-aware of how strong your scent was, this was the longest you’d gone without scent blockers since you’d presented, and you’d lit a scented candle to try and cover it up. It hadn’t really worked, maybe you should light some incense-

“Y/n! Sorry we’re early!” Mina’s hand on your shoulder broke you from your thoughts, and you shook your head before you smiled. Denki cut you off before you could apologize about your scent.

“Damn Y/n! It smells like you baked cookies- oh my god did you bake-”

“Don’t be stupid, babe, it’s just their scent.” Mina shoved him inside, shaking her head as she followed and closed the door behind her.

“Oh! Of course!” Denki nodded, and he and Mina linked arms with you. They walked you over to the couch and sat you all down with grins on their faces.

“Uh… guys-?” You didn’t trust that look, it never leads to anything good.

“Well, since the project is like, 99.5% done-” Mina started, hand coming up to play with your hair.

“We thought we deserved a reward!” Denki interrupted, reaching into his bag and producing a blunt. You felt your own grin forming.

“Oh my god- is that from-”

“Shinso! You know he sells the best stuff on campus, I decided to splurge for my bros!” Denki looked incredibly pleased with himself, and you couldn’t help but tackle the blonde in a hug.

“Oh my god Denki, you’re the best!”

The three of you were blazed by the time the others got there. Sero happily bounced over to share the blunt, while Katsuki and Kiri just sighed and sat down with you. Katsuki’s eyes instantly zoned in on where you were lying on Mina and Denki on the couch. He was oddly silent as he tried to keep his cool, the nagging thoughts that had always been there slowly got stronger. He’d always had to be strong, people perceived him as weak just because of his dynamic, so he’d rejected the thought of being with an alpha, hoping for a beta or omega. Or you. You never made a big deal out of your dynamic, and always treated him as an equal. Then the dreams started. He loved you, he really did! But his whole reputation would go down the drain if he was claimed by an alpha, especially one with such a weak scent and mild presence. So…. he pretended to hate you in public because the two of you had your dreams, where nobody could judge him! Even if they did pale in comparison to real life. But lately… he couldn’t stop wondering… were you getting tired of waiting? With the way you were acting… the thought made his stomach turn and his canines come out. Especially since you had run out of blockers. Your scent getting stronger and stronger as the days went by. You were his alpha! You shouldn’t be scenting other people! Especially omegas! And you certainly shouldn’t be laying on them while you were ignoring him! You hadn’t even said hello to him! You were too busy getting high with those assholes like you didn't belong to him! You were his, it wasn’t fair!

Mina was the last out of the apartment. She kissed your cheek and winked at you as the door closed. The exhaustion set in as you leaned against the door.

“What the fuck was that?” Katsuki growled and made you startled when you saw him by the table. You only shrugged as you went to pack up the stuff on the couch.

“Denki got us some weed because the project was done-”

“Not that, dickhead! They were all over you!” He marched over to you, trying to ignore how good you smelled up close.

“And? We’re not-” You responded, and Katsuki was shoving you before he realized, ignoring the way you yelped as you fell on the couch. You sprawled on your back and glaring up at him.

“Katsuki! What the fuck!” Katsuki didn’t reply, eyes traveling over your vulnerable form. Flush rose to his face as he realized how provocative the position was, causing warmth to pool in his tummy. If kissing was so much better in reality, what would it be like to be inside you? Feel you clench around him and pull his hair when he hit your sweet spot? Would your thighs shake the same in real life when he just kept going? The omega didn’t even realize his scent had changed, he just licked his lips and stared at you with hooded eyes, fuck he wanted-

“Are you okay? You zoned out.” Fuck, when had you gotten up? You were so close now, your scent overwhelming. He never wanted you to go on blockers again.

“Fuck, Katsuki! Katsuki! Are you in heat?” It finally dawned on you. Katsuki’s scent had taken on a sweeter tone it didn’t usually have, and with the way he kept zoning out, it was obvious. Plus thoughts of him on top of you that wouldn’t leave your brain alone. Your question snapped him out of his daze, and the omega snarled at you, stepping back and stumbling when a jolt of pain went through him.

“Fuck off, like you could trigger-” His voice cut off as another wave of pain went through him, causing you to reached out to steady him without thinking. The omega was going to let out a growl but it quickly changed to a whine as it escaped his mouth. You pulled your hand back like it had burned, although your mate’s temperature was so high it wasn’t out of the question. You took two steps back and froze when a feral snarl ripped through the room, dark red eyes pinning you in your place.

“He-hey Katsuki…” Your voice stopped his growling, and it took every ounce of self-control you had to stay coherent as he advanced, your rut already trying to cloud your judgment. Your eyes darted around the room, maybe you could make it to the bathroom? Then Katsuki could ride out his heat and you could talk about it? yeah. Katsuki was only a foot away from you now, the grin he had on was somehow more unsettling than the snarl, and you shook your head to get some of your resolve back. Okay, three, two, one-

You made it maybe ten centimeters before Katuski caught you, and pushed you back down on the couch. He wasted no time sitting on your lap and tilting your face up to look into his eyes.

“You’re not getting away from me, Alpha. I know you want this. I should have done this months ago.” Sincerity shone through your omega’s lidded eyes, and you felt your small shred of resolve shrink away even more. Your hands flew to his chest to push him away.

“Ka-Katsuki it’s just- just your heat, you don’t mean-“

“Don’t tell me what I do and don’t mean, alpha.” Katsuki was back to growling at you. His hands grabbed your wrists, pinned them down, and used his knees to keep them in place. He went back to cupping your face, red eyes boring into yours as he thought of what to say and a growl leaving him whenever you dared to look away. You were so, so obnoxiously pretty, it made it even harder to focus. Katsuki kept getting distracted by little details, like how your eyes shone and you kept biting your lip.

“You’re so fuckin stupid, ya know that? Of course, I fuckin want you, you’re my alpha- I don’t… I don’t care what other people think anymore, I just want you.” Katsuki’s tone was softer than you expected, and you could only gape at him as a blush quickly rose to your face. You knew he didn’t hate you, but hearing him say that lifted a weight off your shoulders you’d been carrying for who knows how long. The moment passed, all the softness went away as Katsuki leaned down to kiss you, and this time you kissed him back without any reservations.

#bnha #Bakugo x reader #omegaverse #bnha omegaverse #bnha x reader #omega Bakugo #alpha reader #reader insert #omegaverse imagine #bnha imagine