#NOW I DONT WANT YOUR SYMPATHY I JUST WANT MYSELF BACK | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

seaadc · 4 months

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hello!!! if you’re up for this, can i request any genshin men with a reader who feels like a horrible person because of things they’ve done in the past? i have a guilt complex lmaoooooo (i say lmao but it’s agony) (PEOPLE IN THE CROWD WITH A GUILT COMPLEX PUT YOUR HANDS UPPPP)

also this is a complete side note but i think this concept would be especially interesting with wrio since he’s always in the fortress or meropide, seeing people who have done wrong everyday in the fairly normal system (by jail standards) they have down there

guilt | wriothesley x reader

OH GOD THIS HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY ASKS FOR A WHILE NOW IM SO SORRY MY NOTIFS ARE ALWAYS FILLED UP AND I DONT SEE ASKS ANYMOREEE T-T

angst w fluff at the end, soft!wrio, he’s comforting youu, gets a bit suggestive at the end, no pronouns used but reader is referred to as ‘my love’ and ‘princess’

it’s nothing to be concerned about really, if you were a criminal and probably rotting in the fortress of meropide for— archons knows how long, you would’ve just let your conscience be the death of you.

but you aren’t! your not sitting around and laying in the fortress of doom meropide, thank the archons.

though you can’t help but think if the seven are laughing at you, quite literally. your state isn’t so stable as it seems..

wriothesley, your partner, had called sigewinne ages ago to check on your health status. although it was all negative, the tests, the results, the examinations, all negative.

there wasn’t anything wrong with you, so why is there an aching pain in your stomach whenever your brain just relapses back to the past, the time where you had done such unforgiving sins, you couldn’t even do a whole statement word for word on what you had done to those poor victims.

one of them, someone special to you. someone special that you had lost because of your own carelessness, someone you had lost because you were being selfish, someone who you wished to cherish for a lifetime— though fate is mocking you unfortunately.

and the pain, the inkling pain deep inside that you cant ignore, it’s annoying. it’s frustrating. it’s … sad.

it’s a pity to see someone like you, a nice person who only wished to improve themselves and hope for a better future. yet it seems celestia didn’t approve.

your longtime partner, wriothesley, had been worried for you. ever since you met, you were always dozing off, not focusing, you looked uncomfortable yet he couldn’t pinpoint what was actually wrong.

it was starting to piss him off, really. the way you doze off when he talks to you, when you two spend time together and your too busy in your own little world to pay attention to him.

wriothesley had decided to sit you down, like what any partner would do when they encounter a misunderstanding or a mishap. communication is key after all.

he couldn’t ever forget the look on your face, the day where you looked at him with such pitiful eyes and regretful ones while he just stared back at you with a stern look.

he feels pity, wriothesley feels pity. someone like him shouldn’t, so what is this he feels?

“tell me what’s been bugging you for months, [name].” wriothesley takes a deep breath, then exhales as you sat there, fidgeting with your fingers. “i didnt get the chance to ask you back then, since it was your privacy after all, hm?” he spoke firmly, his voice laced with curiosity and the tone where he just wants to know the truth.

just tell him, it wouldn’t be so hard. he’s your partner after all, you have every right to tell him so. “[name], i’m doing this to help you. you’re someone extremely precious to me and i can’t help myself just seeing you look so lost.” wriothesley explains, sighing deeply as he waits for your response.

how would he react? he’s the all mighty scary wriothesley after all. he’s known to have less mercy and sympathy on others. why tell? you’ll just embarrass yourself, you thought to yourself.

but you couldn’t. you couldn’t keep a secret, especially towards him. if he was any other people, a stranger, you would’ve kept it till the end of your life. but he’s not just a stranger.

he’s your partner, your loved one, your everything. wriothesley is someone you can trust, someone you care for. is it really worth keeping a secret from him?

you took a deep breath, letting the air get past your nostrils. “i have.. committed alot of unforgettable things in the past, someone like you wouldn’t like. someone like you wouldn’t appreciate.” you confessed, looking down and avoiding your beloved’s longing stare.

wriothesley looks at you, tilting his head in confusion. you? doing things that he couldn’t possibly imagine? “ever since i’ve started to open up a new path to walk on, the guilt in my chest still pains me. it’s almost eating me whole.” you continue.

he smiles at you, not a happy smile, a faint sad smile. he’s quite joyful about how you were guilty, and not like any other person who wouldnt even feel the slightest bit of empathy to what they’ve done wrong in the past.

this is the [name] he fell inlove with. the honest, confident, firm, one. there was no denying that wriothesley was hopelessly inlove with you. and he finds it lovingly amusing.

“if you regret it, then it’s okay. you don’t have to be in debt of a thing you regret on doing. if you truly feel guilt, then it just means your improving and want to be a better person my love.” he smiles, standing up and walking over to your seat, crouching before you as you were forced to look at him.

wriothesley holds your chin, going up to caress your cheeks coated with a red flush. “it may be your fault or not, but there will always be a way to fight back the sins of the past. you can get through it, i know you can.”

“your the strong and confident lady i love after all, hm?” he says with a grin, which makes your already flustered enough face go even more red.

you smile tenderly as he continues to caress your cheek, you leaned into his touch as you hear him chuckle lowly. wriothesley stands up straight, his hand now on your head as he ruffles your soft and silky hair.

wriothesley smirks, a teasing one. which means he’s probably going to say something just to tease you and to lighten up the mood a bit. “besides, i’m the only one who’s allowed to eat you whole, princess.”

made by @seaadc and @seaadc only !!

laughinf bc i made this at exactly 1am LMFAOO (i’m mentally unstable)

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yeondollie · 2 months

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ʙᴀᴍ ʏᴀɴɢ ɢᴀɴɢ ౨ৎ ♡ .ᐟ

'i closed the chapter on the days we spent together.'

. . warnings ; ANGST .ᐟ, breaking up, argument, fem reader, taehyun is kinda mean, crying, heartbreak, reader is needy, taehyun gets annoyed of reader, just over all sad ecfhuehfusih !!

a/n ; i have been listening in bam yang gang on repeat its so so so good but so sad :(. the beat is so adorable and so is bibi i love her sm sm but the song is so sad and as soon as i heard it i thought about making a story with it . this is just a drabble so i dont have a word count sorry :< anyways, enjoy !! ₊˚⊹ ᰔ

"why do you want so much out of me? can i have some peace and quiet to myself? god.." here we were again. arguing with taehyun was getting more and more common, though you hated it. taehyun knew you were a sensitive person and didn't like conflict but you were just pissing him off lately.

you didn't know what to say really. though you were only trying to check up on him after work, he wasn't having it. "it's like you're attached to my hip, truly." you suck in the tears in your eyes as he says this. you didn't wanna fight, you just wanted to please him in any way you could.

"yes i-i.. i'll give you time. i’m sorry." you say, tearing still welling in your eyes. this, for some reason, set taehyun off completely. why couldn’t you stand up for yourself? it was pathetic in his eyes. “see! thats why im upset. you’re like a doormat- you get walked all over, it’s pathetic.” he scoffs, letting out a small laugh even.

holding the tears back, about to flow, you mutter out some words. “you’re r-right, i’m s-sorry.” you sniffle a bit, looking up at the ceiling to avoid the tears falling out of your eyes. you’ve never felt more pathetic in your life, it was such a horrible feeling. taehyun didn’t seem phased at all, walking up and getting in your face.

“so thats it? sorry? you think thats gonna fix everything?” he says, his face only inches from yours. it was weird, usually when he was this close he would be kissing you or looking at you longingly but no. not this time, not anymore. the only time he looked at you was with lust or anger behind his eyes.

it felt like the two of you would only have sex or only argue, it was tiring- so tiring. he used to hold your cold hand in his own warm hand. he used to kiss your forehead and play with your hair, what happened? the tears flickered down your cheek as you answered him. “t-tyun i.. i don’t know what else to d-do.” now quickly wiping your own tears.

when he realizes you’re crying, he doesn’t bat an eye. its like all his love for you was drained from his heart- you hated it so much. “you know what _____? we’re done. i cant fucking do this with you anymore. you’re just so.. so needy and dumb!” he raises his voice, now watching you flinch in front of him.

you didn’t even have the energy to stop him, watching him with blurry eyes. watching how much he changed over the span of you two dating was shocking and saddening to you. oh how you longed for the sweet taehyun you once had.

before he could exit your house, forever saying bye to him you did one last thing. “taehyun..?” you whisper, not even having the energy to talk loudly. “what?” he whips back at you. you grab his school name tag he gave you, when he first confessed his feelings for you when the two of you were still in high school.

grabbing his name tag, along with your own- you walked up to him gently. you placed your name tag in his hand, looking into his angry eyes. “so you can remember me, you promised me you’d never forget me right?”

his eyes flickered with sympathy one final last time.

#txt fanfic #txt x reader #txt scenarios #txt #yeondolliesworks #tomorrow x together #tubatu #txt angst #beomgyu #kang taehyun #txt taehyun #taehyun x reader #taehyun angst #soobin #huening kai #yeonjun

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pastanest · 1 year

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if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to the very lovely friends who have relentlessly sifted through tumblr archives to recover them, thank you all so much!! ♡

Draco x non-house-specific she/her!reader

Avada Kedavra

The walls of the Malfoy Manor used to be a safe haven for you, it was once home to your second family, belonging initially to the love of your life: Draco Malfoy. However, being trapped inside these walls now, suddenly every room you’re dragged through is more daunting than the last. Temporary relief floods through you as Bellatrix LeStrange releases her firm grip on your hair and flings you onto the dark oak floor, where your crumbled form seeks a brief moment of rest. Using the little strength you have left, you lift your head from the ground just enough to gaze over the family that loved you once upon a time. Lucius and Narcissa share the same vacant expression in the presence of Bellatrix, but the sadness in their eyes is something they cant hide from you. When your eyes land on Draco, your heart leaps with an unimaginable and unrealistic hope. His countenance reads as one of sadness and sympathy, but not for the right reasons. He doesnt recognise you enough for this to pain him anymore than seeing a wounded stranger, and you are so, so glad of that.

“Where did you find her?” Narcissa questions her sister Bellatrix, her voice wavering ever so slightly.

Given the sacrifices you made for their son, both Narcissa and Lucius tried to help you hide from this fate, but they knew as well as you did that they were just putting off the inevitable. They felt it was the least they could do after what you did for Draco; if they had done anymore for you, which they offered to do, they would have been killed themselves, and you couldnt let that happen.

“Stupid girl was out looking for food! She was covered in mud and leaves, like the disgusting creature that she is, but I followed her back to the cave she’d been hiding away in! What do you think Draco?” Bellatrix teases.

Draco frowns at her. “What am I supposed to think? You’ve tortured a seemingly innocent girl and brought her here, for what reason?”

Bellatrix cackles in response, twiddling her wand in her hands. “The Dark Lord wants you to prove your devotion, all you have to do is kill her.”

Draco’s eyes widen, and he holds your gaze for a moment. “Why do I have to kill her, out of every other student I attended school with?”

Lucius places a hand on his son’s shoulder. “Now, Draco, you shouldnt question the Dark Lord.”

Although that is true for Draco and his family, you know that isnt the reason Lucius interjected. The less Draco questions, the less he knows. He’s trying to protect his son, just like you are.

Your knees bounced beneath your interlocked hands as you sat on a chair, directly opposite Lucius Malfoy.

“You did that…for the sake of my son? Even knowing what your own fate will be, regardless?” Lucius questioned in disbelief.

You nodded. “It was the least I could do. I dont wish to make any foolish efforts to save myself, but I will do everything in my power to save him.”

Lucius leant forward to take ahold of your hand. “Thank you, thank you so much. I cannot tell you what this sacrifice means to both Narcissa and I.”

You managed a weak smile. “Please, dont thank me. What I’ve done doesnt deserve any form of gratitude. Draco can never find out what happened tonight, promise me you wont tell him.”

Lucius nodded firmly. “I promise you, he will remain naïve of your brave efforts to protect him.”

Narcissa entered the room then, after tending to the unconscious Draco for a few minutes since you arrived with him. Lucius stood to his feet and approached his wife, leaning close to her to whisper in her ear, and you watched tears fill Narcissa’s eyes as she stared at you.

“But (Y/N), you made our son so happy, he was the happiest we had ever seen him whenever he was with you!” She pleaded.

Lucius wrapped an arm around her waist. “It’s to protect him, Narcissa, she did the impossible to keep him safe.”

And with that, you rose to a standing position, not wanting to dwell on the explanation of your actions any longer. “The sleeping charm I cast on him will wear off soon enough, I’ll be making my leave now.”

Before you left, Narcissa pulled you into a wordless embrace. Words werent needed for you to know you were feeling the same agony of the loss of the boy you had come to know.

“Who else would match the devotion of killing your darling?” Bellatrix snickers, spitting the petname he frequently called you.

In response, Draco raises an eyebrow, almost cockily. “I dont have a darling, Bellatrix, I havent the slightest idea what you’re talking about.”

No, no, dont try to outsmart her, dont! You plead with him inside your head, and attempt to use your eyes to beg him not to take this further, but he simply winks at you. He thinks he’s found a loophole, a way to control this situation, but the panic on both Narcissa’s and Lucius’ faces as they stand behind him says otherwise.

“Dont play dumb with me, boy, you’ve been all over this girl for the past four years! Acting like you dont know her, gosh, that really is cruel, how could you do that to her?” Bellatrix sneers.

Draco laughs at her, and you want to clamp your hand over his mouth to prevent him from ruining everything, but you dont even have the strength to pull yourself to your feet.

“I can assure you, if this girl had any involvement with me, I would not shy away from admitting that. This girl, I think her name is (Y/N), and all I know of her is that we had potions class together, and occasionally spoke when we were partnered by Snape, but I have no further knowledge of who she is, none whatsoever. Killing her would mean nothing to me.” Although Draco only said that last sentence to protect you, in the hopes of Bellatrix realising she’d made a mistake and then releasing you and finding another soul to subject to Draco’s mission instead, his words hurt, and that is your own fault.

“Darling, please, talk to me! What’s made you cry like this!?!” You pleaded with Draco as you held his broken form in your arms, his body heaving with dry, painful sobs as you two laid on your bed.

“He’s going to make me kill you, (Y/N), I cant do it, I cant! I cant live without you!” Draco cried, his arms tightening around you as he buried his face further into the crook of your neck.

Your fate should be inevitable, but it hangs in the balance. Either your death will completely destroy Draco, or he wont be able to kill you, and he’ll be murdered as punishment. It was in that moment, you realised that you had to save Draco from this horrible fate altogether.

“Draco, stop it!” Narcissa hisses.

“No, Mother, I wont! Bellatrix appears to be under the impression that there is someone outside of my family who actually means something to me, for that she is a fool, and deserves to be made aware of it.” Draco scolds his aunt.

Bellatrix suddenly points her wand at Draco, and performs a charm that you recognise to be a truth-telling charm.

“Now tell me, Draco, do you know this girl?” Her eyebrow is raised as she continues to hold her wand, pointed at her nephew.

“How many times do I have to say this before you get it through your head? I barely know her!” Draco retorts in annoyance, and Bellatrix lowers her wand, releasing him from the hold of the charm.

For a few moments which, in your head, equal the length of a lifetime, Bellatrix paces the floor behind you, before shoving you onto your back and snatching your wand.

“Let’s have a look at the last spells this filthy mudblood performed.” Bellatrix giggles to herself as she examines your wand.

You lay silent on the floor, your eyes staring off into nothing as tears begin to blur your vision, but you dont speak a word. Some desperate part of your mind is so sure that if you dont give yourself away, Bellatrix will never find out the truth.

A shriek erupts from Bellatrix, causing your body to jolt in shock before her boot makes harsh contact with your stomach.

“This disgusting wretch used obliviate on Draco! How pathetic!” She cackles menacingly, and your eyes close in a pained blink.

“Im sorry.” You manage to utter to the Malfoys, your split lip bleeding with your attempts to speak.

“What!?!” Draco barks, eyes wide in shock as he stares own at you.

“Well, we’d better do a simple reverse spell with her wand to make things right, or this wont be any fun at all!” Bellatrix concludes.

“No!” You cry out, your composure gone as you launch yourself in front of Draco, hoping to deflect the spell, but Bellatrix grabs you and locks an arm around your neck, holding you in place as she aims your wand at her nephew.

Draco’s gaze flickers between his parents and you, beyond confused as to what is happening around him. The memory of the last time you saw confusion so deeply set in his eyes haunts you as your body is rigid under Bellatrix’s grasp.

“I love you, Draco, and I am so, so sorry.” You whispered into his hair as he continued to sob in your arms.

“I-I love you too.” Draco uttered in reply, and you closed your eyes tightly, fighting back tears as you realised this would be the last time you heard him say those words to you.

As discretely as you could manage, you lifted your wand, and with Draco’s face hidden in your neck, he was completely unaware of what was about to happen to him. You sniffled, and Draco’s arms tightened around yours.

“Hey, dont cry, i-it’s alright, w-we’ll figure something out, like we always do!” Draco tried to ease your nerves, but little did he know his efforts were in vain.

With shaking hands, you pointed your wand to Draco’s head, and muttered the most destructive word you had ever heard yourself say.

“Obliviate.”

Silence fell as Draco’s sobs came to an abrupt halt. You sat up, and forced Draco to do the same. He was in a daze, and the confused expression on his face with tears still staining his cheeks was a sight that fractured your heart completely. Lifting your wand once more, you cast a sleeping charm, before you allowed yourself to burst into tears, clutching his unconscious body close to yours for the last time.

“No! Dont hurt him like this, please!” You scream with everything you have, desperately thrashing your body, kicking against Bellatrix until she lets you go, and you stumble over to Draco, collapsing against his form.

You wrap your arms around him protectively, squinting your eyes shut and bracing for impact, hoping the spell will somehow miraculously hit you instead, willing to believe that just you holding him will be enough to protect him. Draco grabs your arms and gently pushes you away from him, holding you at arms length to stare into your eyes, a frown set deep on his face.

“What’s going on, (Y/N)?” He asks you, an almost begging tone to his voice as he searches your eyes for an explanation.

Your lips part, but before you can utter a word, Draco’s body stumbles backwards as the memories of the last four years of his life spent with you come crashing down on him like a tonne of bricks, almost sending him to the floor if it werent for his parents holding him steady. Looking over your shoulder, you see Bellatrix with a dark smirk on her face.

“(Y/N)?”

Goosebumps ripple all over your skin at the sound of him saying your name, with the endearing tone he always used whenever speaking to you, the tone that he had forgotten existed until now. You turn back to him, and the look in his eyes tears you apart. There’s so much love, an endless amount of almost child-like joy at him finally being able to see you as more than the classmate you were to him mere moments ago. He approaches you, his hand slowly reaching for your face as his body towers over you, and when his delicate touch meets your bruised cheek, tears begin to cascade down your face. Draco’s eyes soften, and he pulls you into his warm, all-too-familiar embrace, one that you wish you could reject, but there’s no possible way you ever could.

“Why did you do it?” Draco asks you in a hushed voice, pulling away from you slightly so that he can read your face.

You sniffle and wipe your eyes. “To save you. I knew that my death would either destroy you, or you wouldnt be able to do it, and that would cause your death. The only thing I could do was erase every memory of us from your mind, so that you could end my life, without it killing you. And if you hadnt been your usual smug self, it would have worked.“

Draco chuckles as tears prick his eyes. “Well, for once Im actually proud of being a smug arsehole.”

You raise an eyebrow at him. “Why?“

Draco smiles down at you, his thumb gently caressing your cheekbone. “Because in whatever sense it may be, a life without you by my side is not a life worth living.”

You sniffle and shake your head at him. “Dont, please, dont ever say that.”

Draco’s expression hardens. “It’s the truth.” He suddenly pushes you behind him, his eyes fixed on Bellatrix as he pulls out his wand. “Either we both live, or we both die, which will it be?“

"Draco!!” His parents shout in outrage, but Bellatrix giggles in response to his words, and paces in front of him menacingly.

“You’d rather die for that filthy mudblood than live to serve the Dark Lord?” She presses, almost as though she wants him to reiterate his point, just to be sure.

“The only way I’ll serve him is if (Y/N) remains alive and by my side, if that cant happen, then kill me.” Draco explains.

Without hesitation, you take ahold of his hand and stand beside him, looking up at him with fire in your eyes.

“Kill both of us, or neither.” You add, a fierce expression as your eyes lock on the evil witch herself.

Bellatrix cackles so hard that she throws her head back, but she regains her composure to shrug at the two of you. “Well, that’s quite alright, as killing one of you will kill the other anyway!“

Yours and Draco’s eyes widen in alarm as Bellatrix lifts her wand one final time.

"Avada Kedavra!”

Shoving Draco to the side, expecting her to aim the curse at you, you close your eyes and brace for impact. But when nothing hits you, and a devilish shriek fills the room as Bellatrix disapparates out of the room, you open your eyes to see Draco lying on the floor beside you, colour rapidly draining from his face as his parents kneel at his side.

“No, NO!” You scream, falling beside him and kissing his face, grabbing his hands, clinging to him desperately.

Without thinking it through, you grab his wand, and try to perform healing spells on him, but Draco wraps his hands around yours.

“It’s alright darling, you cant stop this.” His expression contorts in pain, and it becomes clear to you that holding on for as long as he has after that spell, is agony for him.

“No, you cant die, no, please, dont go! I cant lose you again, please!” Your sobs wrack through your body, your mind spinning as your heart pounds inside your chest.

With eyes wide like a deer in headlights, you turn to Lucius. “Is it possible for a wizard to perform the killing curse on themselves?”

Lucius frowns at you sadly. “In some extreme cases, it has been proven possible, but the spell requires more than just a desire to kill, there has to be a strong feeling behind it.“

You look back down at Draco. “That wont be a problem.”

Draco holds your hand as you lift his wand to your temple. “(Y/N), dont.”

You shake your head. “You said it yourself, we both live, or we both die. Im about as prepared to live in a world without you as you would be to live in one without me: which is not prepared at all.”

Draco nods, accepting defeat, one of his hands still clinging to yours with the small amount of life he has left.

“Goodnight, love.” He whispers to you with his last breath.

You lean down to kiss his lips softly. “See you soon, my angel.”

Sitting up, you stare at his grief stricken parents, and give them a kind smile.

Lucius struggles to hold back his tears. “You saved our son, without you, he wouldnt have had the strength to resist the way he did for so many years of his life. Thank you.“

Narcissa sniffles. "We love you, (Y/N), and we’re proud to call you a Malfoy.”

Your smile widens at their kind words. “I love you both, too. Thank you for everything. Goodbye.“

Narcissa falls against Lucius’ chest. “Goodbye, (Y/N).”

Averting your eyes, your gaze drifts back to Draco, and you smile gently at him as you lift his wand to your temple. You know that, when this spell is used, it is most commonly out of hatred, meaning that it is shouted out of anger. However, your death is not going to be out of anger, it is out of love, which is a feeling more powerful than hate could ever be, and for that reason, you can make this unforgivable curse, peaceful. Closing your eyes, with a smile still on your face and your free hand holding Draco’s, you carefully whisper the words that you once feared, but now welcome with open arms. And as soon as the words fall from your lips, the lonely world around you falls, too, into a blissful darkness, until it ceases to be.

#draco malfoy #draco malfoy imagine #draco malfoy x reader #harry potter #x reader #imagine #imagines #fanfic #fanfiction

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booksandpaperss · 8 months

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some ramble-y thoughts on men's social isolation and women's safety bc this has been on my mind for a bit

I do think it's really sad how men end up feeling so isolated bc of various social expectations as well as people being cruel, but as a fem presenting person I have to say that you can't just expect women and anyone who is fem presenting to just "start being nicer". ive seen a few posts on Tumblr essentially stating that but I have to reiterate it is about safety. I literally cannot afford to stop looking at men with caution and assumed violence until I get to know them really well bc if I stop that could genuinely cost me me life. its true that most men I see probably are not predators and im sure it hurts to be perceived that way, but I have no way of being able to tell who is and isn't going to harm me. I have to assume the worst because it is the only way I can stay safe.

it sucks, it really does, for all parties involved. I have so much sympathy for the men who are genuinely kind and would never hurt me that feel isolated, it isn't fair, and I myself certainly don't enjoy the *necessary* fear that the random guy im passing on the street could see me and decide to hurt me, but this is the reality of the world. there is no easy solution, but what certainly isn't a solution is expecting women to start being kinder to men they dont know because once again: that could genuinely cost someone their life.

The best solution right now I think is to continue to try to deconstruct misogyny and gender roles, and that takes time, patience, and understanding.

I have also seen the notion on here that men feeling isolated socially is misandry, but the reality is that misandry is simply not real on a systemic scale. men feeling isolated is a direct result of the patriarchy and a side affect of misogyny. a lot of things on this website that are perceived as misandry are either not real problems or they are but they're just the impacts of misogyny and the gender roles that come with it.

But it is very surreal to be walking alone at night, clutching my pepper spray and glaring whenever a man I don't know is near me, making sure to stay next to the street and make it obvious I know exactly where I'm going and still feeling the fear that it might not be enough and something horrible could happen to me anyway, only come back to Tumblr and see people saying misandry is just as prevalent as misogyny and women need to start considering how it feels for men to be looked at like they're predators. Touch grass seems like an applicable statement here.

oh and obligatory piss on the poor tumblr disclaimer: I know I am using binary terms so before any of you get on your high horse about it, I myself am non binary. I am not actually a woman, but I certainly look like one and therefore deal with misogyny. I fully understand that trans men and genderqueers of all kinds as well as even feminine cis men also fear for their life on the street so dont even think abt getting on my ass about that. oh and if any of you try to call this a terf post consider yourself blocked with a recommendation to get a refresh on what terf actually means instead of just throwing around the term when you see any post trying to talk about misogyny :D

final disclaimer bc I wanna cover all my bases due to Tumblr reading comprehension: im aware topics like this are very nuanced with lots of layers, please dont act like im obligated to cover all that in a random Tumblr post of all things, I cannot possibly cover everything nor am I obligated to. I simply wanted to remind ppl that actual lives are at risk and fem presenting people constantly and regularly fear for their life bc I feel like that gets left out a lot in conversations like this on here. <3

#elli's random thoughts #women's safety #mens mental health #feminism #no idea what else to tag this so im just gonna throw it into the void #plus I do not want this to end up getting around to actual terf blogs ugh

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royalwriteroftheuniverse · 1 year

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Thanks Captain America.... part 1

Part 2 here

Warning tons of angst. Not my best work. But I just got done reading a fic that made me hate Steve. Therefore right now there's angst. 18+ mentions of kidnappin and cheating and crying and waning Steve to fall on a knife and I think thats it 18+ just incase. Comments welcome please I need more comments. Reblogs appreciated no reposting or republishing.

This is part 1

Part 2 here

I saw Steve at the street fair. I thought he was working and I know he said we can't be seen in public together but I can still say hi like a fan or just be around him. Feel his warmth I love that.

There was a small group wanting to say hi and I was just there to watch him. Just as our eyes meet I hear a

"Stevie baby" and a woman kisses his cheek. And she had a promise wring on her ring finger a claddah.

I couldn't read his face but I know he could read mine as I gasped. That was the reason that was the real reason. Tears pooled

I wanted to puke.

I started crying and went to some place to sit. My hand was shaking as I took out my phone and I sent him one. Last. Text.

"The only reason that I am not dousing you with water is because I'll be made the villain. Your things will be in a garbage bag in the lobby. I suggest you get it before its thrown out forever tomorrow morning. But maybe those things you said meant something meant nothing.. I know I meant nothing to you."

I couldn't care less if someone got his things i assume they'd be thrown out regardless. It's obvious he didn't care about me he knew I was crying and he just didn't care.

I ignored every ring and ding and notification from my phone. I never read any of his responses or voice mails. I never blocked him either it seemed cruelest for him that way. I thought maybe one day I'd be strong enough to read him begging. But I guess that day will never come.

Where I was sitting someone came up to me,

"Hey are you ok."

"No I just found out my boyfriend was cheating me probably the whole time. He's not the man I thought he was... he was never."

"You found out here?"

Yea he said he didn't want us-" I stopped myself i wasnt about to let myself be kidnapped or killed because someone thought I meant something to Steve. "Us to come because he had work. It's complicated."

"Its not that complicated. He's an asshole."

"That about sums it up."

A few weeks later my front door is being pounded on.

I look for the peephole and its Steve. I should have known.

"I can see your feet and hear your breathing i know you're there."

"I'm not going anywhere with you."

"Someone knows about us they're threatening you you need to come-"

"No.

"This isn't a-:

"I'm not going anywhere".

:It's just to the tower. I'll break thi-"

I opened the door a bit and he shut up..I made sure he could clearly see my face my face my eyes still puffy from crying.

"I don't care I don't care about anything anymore I don't know why you do either because I meant nothing."

"If something happens to you I'd-"

"Wouldn't care you'd just feel guilty in front of the press to get sympathy you're nothing like you claim. Get. Out. Of . My. Building before I call the cops. Or better yet tmz. All righteous captain America is harassing me stalking me. Forcing-How do you think that would play out? Hm? There are camera in the hallway."

"I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for it to get this far."

"But you meant it to grt far enough.. but you were cheating on me. Or was I the other girl? Or were we both equals in this and you just went back and forth. Did you tell her?"

All my questions went unanswered

I. HATE. YOU." Then I slammed the door. And walked back into my bedroom.

"Honey next time he's here-"

"Dont you'll make things worse. He'll just freak.. I can't believe you never saw Old Yeller its the saddest movie ever. After this we're watching winnie the pooh." I snuggled back in Hayden.

"What if he's telling the truth?"

"Hes not all he does is lie. Should be his moto."

There was this huge women defense class series Maria Hill and Natasha from Shield/avengers were doing. A series of class 16 weeks. I was able to get a spot thatks to the one woman who knew I was Steve's girl-or I guess one of Steve's girl. I always wondered why her face looked a bit sad. Now I know.. I figured why not especially since Steve won't leave me alone and as much as Hayden cares he'd never be a match. I don't want him to get hurt. He's becoming more than just my best friend.

I had been kicking and punching the bags so vioenty one class. I even kicked a hole on one if the bags.

Steve would have loved that.

"You dont have to easy on those things you know they can take a beating." Natasha had jokes

"My ex won't leave me alone"

"Report his ass."

"I can't he's too....connected it wouldn't go anywhere." I shook my head. If she only knew

He doesn't understand he cheated on me and he just wants me to."

I couldn't stop the tears in my eyes.

"We could always stick Cap on him." Hill joked.

If she only knew.

"I wish you could. I wish Captain America could kill him." That's be a fight id like to see him falling on a knife.

"He's that bad?"

"Worse." I started crying and whiping my eyes. Stupid I shouldn't have said anything.

"Steve come here." I hearnaNat yell

Shit.

"I have to go."

"Wait." They called after me but I never ran so fast out of the opposite side of the gym and ann the way to the outside and down the street where I just had to catch my breath and cry.

"Are you going to say something or just stand there."

"I never meant to-to hurt you."

I looked up at him with an incredulous look.

"Steve you stayed over at my apparment constantly. You told me you loved me. You'd say how amazing I was how beautiful how much you cared. When I saw you there with whoever it broke you really broke me. And yea im stupid im an idiot for letting a man do thst to me but I trusted you. And then you come up with some fake stalking shit."

"It wasn't fake. it isn't. For what it's worth I never meant to hurt you."

"Its not worth shit."

"But id you don't believe mnaNat will tell you-"

"I was juseiwith her and Hill"

"They don't know you they only know I assigned people to-"

"To what" i asked through gritted teeth.

"To keep you safe, alive."

"Look just please come back with me."

"No. And tell Nat and Hill I quit. I can't go back knowing that you'll know I'm there."

I got up and walked away From him from what I swore would be the last time.

But I should've gone. I should've just gone. Because now I'm in a cell that I'd never get out of in a place I dont know with people of all diffrent backgrounds speaking diffrent languages none that I know of. Sometimes I think of Hayden I hope he's ok. That he wasn't hurt. I know he'd look for me but never find me.I've was an actual friend.

I don't know how long they'd hold me or what they'd use me for or do to me. All because I said yes to dating Steve Rogers. If he had agents on me they'd know where I was or he'll they would have stopped it but just like, you know I don't know how many times he lied. But that was just one more time. Because of him, because of Steve Rogers I'll never be saved.. because of Steve Rodgers I'll never get out if here alive. So Thanks Captain America for how my life turned out.

Next chapter here

Taglist

@nana1000night @sapphire-rogers @hawkeyes-queen @patzammit @sparklybarbarianninja @cadencejames87 (one time tag you know why lol)

#avengers #chris evans #steve rogers #ari levinson imagine #ari levinson x female reader #chris evans x plus size reader #ransom drysdale #steve rogers fanfiction #chris evans characters #chris evans comfort #angstober #steve rogers angst #chris evans angst #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers x reader #hayden #harvard hottie

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luveline · 1 year

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sweet jade :( i was reading everyone’s sweet messages for you and they basically took all the words right out of my mouth so i don’t wanna sound like a broken record BUT i need to personally say that your writing has been so so healing for me and i just want to make sure we are able to help give that healing back to you through our messages ❤️‍🩹 please don’t be so hard on yourself!! you are a precious human being who is allowed to have emotions and you are allowed to take breaks!! i truly hope you know that not only is your writing a joy, but even just your aura chatting with us is so delightfully infectious. there’s so much more i feel like i want to say but my words are failing me at the moment. just take it easy sweet gal ❤️‍🩹

I really don’t have much sympathy for myself because I can’t see any reason resolutely for how im feeling and it pisses me of 😭 I obviously want to take a break considering I have been, but at the same time I really DONT want to take a break. In my opinion I’m being a huge baby about it but I just can’t juggle all the stuff happening in my life right now haha . I love you though I think you’re such a sweetheart and you deserve like very ounce of love that can be given to you

#jade's asks #ily

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anticipatedexhale · 2 years

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A Love Story Titled As Failure.

Steve Harrington x gn!reader

A/n: im in my sad era yet again finally got rid of writers block and i genuinely want to write, wanted this to be for eddie but lets all be serious steve fits the heartbreak genre.

warnings: angst, NO PART 2, breakups, arguments, kinda a toxic relationship, little bit of fluff but meh, i love writing steve being a total dumbass.

This was stupid, it was stupid how you couldn't get over him. Even though he hurt you, and it was obvious.

The man you thought would cherish and love you like he promised broke your heart in a matter of seconds. And it was all because of one stupid argument.

You haven't talked to anyone in days, shutting off everyone all at once, you didn't want there "its gonna be ok" or the "he doesn't deserve you".

You didn't want any of that, all you did day and night sit in bed curled up under the sheets.

Eyes puffy, mouth dry, too lazy to get up to change or brush your hair.

God you hated being like this but all you thought about was him, his scent, his laugh, his smile all the way to how he used to look at you.

You groaned as you heard a knock on your door. "Go away" your voice barely passes as a whisper.

The knocking didn't stop even after you ignored it multiple times.

You got up dragging your feet on your carpet. Slowly opening the door, your eyes widened seeing him standing right there Infront of you.

You stepped back being too stunned to close the door in his face as much as you wanted to do that, you couldn't bring yourself to.

You were frozen as he walked Infront of you closing the door behind him.

Your eyes stayed locked on the floor not daring to look up into his beautiful Brown eyes.

Why was he here?

Didn't he say he wanted nothing to do with you.

Yes him with his own words.

He broke your heart and now has the nerve to show up.

"They told me to check up on you" he said breaking from your trance, of course they did your so good friends wanted to make feel better by bringing the cause of pain right to you.

When you didn't reply he continued "You know i never meant to hurt you right? I know you deserve better than me and that you think I'm a total jerk but please let me try to make it up to you" he said again seeing now you lifted your head looking straight at him.

His eyes frantic trying to search yours as he was waiting for an answer "Please just say something." He said voice dripping with desperation.

"You hurt me more than you'll ever know steve." You said cold tone trying to hide your hurt. Because you knew any second now you'll burst in tears just looking at him.

"I-i know i know sweetheart b-but please let me try again give me a chance" he said getting closer now trying to hold your hand.

"P-please i-i'd do anything to make this work, tell me anything I'll do it, just please dont leave me."

You ignored him, this wasn't like other times this was different this time you didn't feel the sympathy and sadness you'd feel for him no. All you felt was pain, a pain that he himself caused.

"You know what's sad about this? Is that im trying so hard to hate you yet i can't , i cant bring myself to do that. You are all i think about and just hate." You said pushing his hand away.

"You hate me?" He said voice cracking at the thought of you hating him, you can't hate him, no this was your anger speaking his mind was telling him, trying to calm himself down.

You couldn't bring yourself to answer. Really you didn't like him nor did you hate him.

It was so overwhelming that the air around you guys could almost choke someone.

"Do you think i liked hurting like this?" Now it was your turn to ask and steves turn to find the answer.

"Please look at me please- come on we can try again i-i p-promise to not hurt you" at this point both your faces had tears streaming down.

You shook your head passing him as you opened the door silently telling steve to leave.

"I'm sorry but there is nothing you can do. So please leave. We both know this won't work, don't make this harder on me" you said looking back down again trying to control your emotions.

"Please your hurting me i can't do this, one more chance i promise it will be better this time." at that you grabbed his arm roughly faces so close to each other.

"Hurting you? Please don't make me laugh harrington, don't make promises you couldn't keep." You pushed making him stubble out the door.

"Im begging you, don't shut me out." He said before you shut the door in his face.

You turned around sliding down the door with your face inside your hands.

Unstable breathing as you felt steves presence still outside the door.

It was unfair to both of you , as you both saw the depressing and painful ending of your love story being written by no other but you and steve.

A relationship between you two that could never be complete, a relationship between you two that's more like a dream.

Maybe this is a sign for the both of you to stop dreaming about this painful love.

A love story that was titled failure as you both burned away the days together living on false hope.

The pair of you both saw this coming yet you didn't leave. You didn't stop this from happening, now thinking about what was the purpose of staying.

Picking up both of your hurt slowly, You weren't special.

Neither of you were.

#stranger things #stranger things x reader #angst #fluff #stranger thing angst #steve harrington x reader fluff #steve harrington angst #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington #hawkins #steve my love #i love pain #sorry not sorry #ouch

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workof-tortured-poetsdepartment · 9 months

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dear

(personal)

hey, Hii, I am here again, writing out my feelings, just so that I get a false sense of being seen, I know weird right? I have nothing else to do, actually I do, I have things to do, fill those forms, study for exams, clean my closet and arrange my desk, get healthy habits, work on myself. My relatives are over, I haven't met them yet, they are going now. I am still on my chair, listening some songs I don't know why, moving back and forth with a smile, upside down, frown, not smile, frown. But that is the only thing my face feels comfort in making. To be honest, I dont know why I am writing this now. Oh yeah, I came to write how lonely I was, I thought maybe I could blurt one more shitty poem, maybe then my void will feel validated? I don't want to suffer in silence, I dont want to see my voice and problems die down, To be more honest, I want sympathy, maybe some pity, maybe someone might feel enough pity to care about me? yeah, and I hate it, so I pushed myself down, I am far away from people. I just don't know why I am like this either, i mean some say cause of my parents some cause of trust issues, but I know them, I am aware, but they are not the real reason? I just dont feel loved in right ways, I ask for too much actually, or maybe I ask for nothing but its a lot for some people. Anyways I again forgot why I am talking about it, I can just sigh and move on, act like its not bugging me, being alone. Being alone, is it alone? is it lonely? what is lonely? a blankness, a missing place where I could belong? I just want an identity, a tag to belong somewhere, Like that series said, the need to belong somewhere, a home to turn too, a place at end of never-ending tunnel. I wonder when I will find it? but am i even supposed to be finding it? I am not even in the outer world yet, in just this 4 walled house I am like this, these 4 people we call family, feels so distant, like constellations in sky, pretty from afar, distant, shiny, burning inside, alone, far, lonely, lonely, lonely. What is lonely? I remember my little diary I used to write in, It was class 6th entry, the oldest memory I have where I used word lonely first time, I learned about its meaning from some story in english, and the lines were like I have friends and family but they dont know me, i feel so alone so lonely, I still dont know what lonely means, but I felt it and I feel it with my every breathe. I didn't felt it once, for few months, it was nice, or that is what I remember, I had someone always a message away, checking on me, like im a kid, I felt that love. I needed that love, I loved that love. A little too much. I dont know why I am writing this here, im too tired to write in my dairy, typing seems easier. My throat feels heavy with pain now haha, tears formed and died, headache came and went, my eye feels like dying inside. But I am fine, fine, im so used to saying i am fine as a lie, but why do i need to say the truth? if no one cares, all they want to just hear a fine and be like I did my share of job of asking, they dont care, that is the bitter truth, people who care, they notice. your absence, your mood, your silence, your feelings. they wont accept a fine. but why does it matter haha, i miss him, i want to message him, i have been for a while, idk if i should. i will maybe later? maybe i wont, idk. I forgot why i was here again, oh yeah, right a poem for my feelings, feeling unloved, feeling lonely. but what does it do? nothing. I just want to feel seen and heard, attention, i need that genuinely and yeah. I guess that is it. I will go now, for a while. I am fine. ily<3 take care babe.

#self talk #dni or whatever

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ask-the-shorty-squad · 3 months

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You're telling me you never once thought about what you were even doing..? You think.. That just because you didnt know and that you just wanted to make some bitch proud.. That you think you can be forgiven straight off the bat?? You think that makes your crimes any less bad?? A crime is a crime. You deserve to be locked up behind bars for what you did..

You can explain your whole fucking sob story to me but that wont change my mind.. Everyone fucking suffers, bitch. You arent special.

"Oh! But Ruruka!! I was manipulated!! Controlled!!! Sexually assaulted and abused and blah blah blah!!!"

Oh fuck off!!! I'd be surprised if I met someone who didnt go through atleast one of those things!!

Listen, you dont get special treatment or deserve to have a gentler punishment just because you have trauma. You dont get to beg or plead for your life nor do you get to defend it. Think of the people who probably pleaded and begged for mercy.. Think of the poor little kids who still had years left. But you took it all away from them.. Families destroyed.. Lives crushed.

And here you are.. Trying to defend for your actions by saying "You didnt know it was wrong". You didnt fucking know it was wrong to chop up someones mother and feed her remains to people? You didnt know thrusting a knife through somebodies heart was a big bad No-No?

Now, tell me why you deserve redemption. Tell me why you think you deserve everyones kindness and encouragement. Why dont you tell me why you think you deserve sympathy points just because you didnt know what you did was wrong.

Go on.. Tell us, 𝐘𝐚𝐲𝐨𝐢.

*Yayoi is silent for a moment. He questions to himself the very question Ruruka is asking him now. Why does he deserve redemption? Why does he deserve a second chance? He thought deeply about this. It was something he wondered to himself rather often. It didn't take long for him to find an answer. He looked fiercely at Ruruka. The expression he wore was determined. And for once, a little bit angry.* (Sprite edit made by @genderless-queen)

Y'know, you make a couple good points. I did do awful things. Horrible things. Things that I can never take back no matter how hard I tried. Things that no absolutely great explanation, story, or reason can excuse. So what can I do now? What could I possibly do at this point in time, in my near to far future, and in this moment now? I. Can. Be. Better. I can learn. I can understand. And I can be better. I want to be better. If not better than myself back then, then at least better than you now.

#despair teruteru #sdr2 goodbye despair #danganronpa 2 #danganronpa

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thegeminisage · 3 months

Text

i don't know how i'm supposed to simply do a tng update when there was SPOCK but obviously last night (tonight as i type this, but it's late, so this post is going up while i'm at work) we watched unification part i & part ii

tng update:

🌈SPOCK🌈

okay, i'm normal again

part i: BITTERLY disappointed that all we got out of this episode spockwise was one blurry photo and him coming in right at the end. i had a feeling they'd do that. i guess now i have to talk about the nonimportant nonspock parts of this episode 🥱

ive decided i hate sarek's new wife. what business is it of hers if spock objects to sarek in public? if sarek didn't have a problem with it why make one? evil stepmother fr. why did sarek marry another human anyway does he have a fucking fetish or something...at least she was too old to get knocked up. i was reading about ages on the wiki today and amanda was only TWENTY YEARS OLD when she had spock. sarek would have been 65. i know vulcans age way different so it's not as creepy but STILL. girl, wait until you are old enough to drink

speaking of sarek...i went back and forth feeling terrible for him and wanting to attack him with my bare hands. under one hand he is on his deathbed and obviously very ill and miserable and suffering deep regrets over past mistakes and it's hard not to have sympathy...on the other, maybe if you wanted less deathbed regrets about your relationship with spock YOU SHOULD HAVE TREATED HIM BETTER! bitch.

also, whatever he and picard had going on was homoerotic. "we're part of each other" why do they talk about the mind meld that way in tng and not in tos. why did picard feel up sarek's hand on his deathbed the second his wife looked away. hes got a history of homewrecking since he (i know) had his affair baby wesley with beverly. so Whats Going On

picard forcefully obtaining the klingon ship. i LOVE when he gets to be a bitch

ROMULAN RACEFAKING??? a proud star trek tradition at this point i guess but it was truly awful to behold. DEEPLY disappointed sela did not later lick the paint off his ears as the klingons implied she would. smh

i like also how riker blew up that whole ship and nobody batted an eyelash. he really can just do whatever

part ii: SPOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the first time i cried was when spock himself came onscreen at the end of part i. then just as soon as i collected myself he mentioned jim kirk twice in the space of 30 seconds and i lost it again. we are literally bridging the gap between tos spock and spock prime from aos rn and i Dont like it.

Very Sad his dad kicked it before they could reconcile. but i saw his microexpressions when picard delivered the news. i missed them more than you can possibly imagine

i did love though that he started viewing picard as like a proxy sarek. imagine having daddy issues with a guy who is 75 years younger than you. lowkey they also had a little homoeroticism happening. "cowboy diplomacy" sure whatever

riker and the four-armed pianist 10/10 i hope they fucked. i'm so glad we wont he riker roulette and it wasn't creepy. also only riker could successfully flirt with a women after killing her husband in a spaceship battle <3

i'm a little iffy on spock's uhhh whole deal in this episode. he's lik yeah i chose the vulcan way of life these romulans are gonna have way better lives after their vulcan enlightenment but meanwhile he's criticizing sarek for his obsession with logic to the exclusion of all emotion (which is what he decided in tmp, that you need both) and also the vulcan way of life has done huge damage to his relationship with his father as well. so which is it?? idk, maybe he's not doing well because of sarek dying and all but he seemed like he was in a very "im not willing to acknowledge that i have emotions because rn theyre causing me pain" sort of mood. buddy :(

then again, it IS a tng script. we can only expect so much. it wasn't so inconsistent that it took me out of the episode but it did bother me a little because i just don't understand why he's willing to devote the rest of his life to this cause...he seemed to imply he had emotional reasons but what were they?? we will quite literally never know.

what's wack to me also is that in nineteen years romulus is gonna be GONE. like it's just going to be gone. eaten up by the sun or whatever. if someone had a baby right now on romulus that baby would not be old enough to drink before the sun swallowed them. so everything spock is doing is for nothing.

sela in this episode was really funny. "i hate vulcans." so true queen. i mean i don't care about her at all but that was hilarious

data doing the vulcan nerve pinch!!!!!!! that was so fun. i don't think it requires telepathy to do, just super strength, but i guess if you do then that makes no sense. it made me happy though.

the end when spock melded with picard to quasi-meld with his father and almost wept was me crying for the third time...i couldn't stand seeing him cry!!!!!! i can't believe sarek really just died without ever reconciling with him but i kind of like it better this way bc what sarek did was his own fault not spock's. so spock got closure and sarek. didn't. rip dude

okay. this concludes. the SPOCK UPDATE. tonight: a matter of time. and TOMORROW........the undiscovered country. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

#personal #star trek blogging #tng lb #i really wanted gifs from this episode but i only found one gifset and it wasn't the moment i wanted. any of the moments i wanted.#i would like to try and make some myself but i hate making them and i'm bad at it and also i'm running cs4 #we'll see i guess :(

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gjjokok · 4 months

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33 - January 7, 2024

Wow it has been a long time since I have had to come here. In short, I have been going on dates with John Shen for a few months now and thought it was going well, but after this Thailand White Party trip he invited me to (which hopefully, whenever I re-visit these posts, I have completely wiped from my memory) we are obviously not dating and are actually not speaking at all. I just got off of a facetime call with Tommy where he talked me through everything I went through and gave his input and experiences with John, and I genuinely love Tommy so much and really appreciate him calling me. Even though I'm crying as I write this, I think it's so helpful that I have someone like him that cares enough to call me at 4am to talk about my feelings (oh yeah it's 5:24 AM and I am apparently jetlagged and not tired at all right now so who knows when I will sleep). Tommy has a boyfriend now and I'm so happy for him that he found someone. To be honest, I am kind of terrified that I am somehow being "left behind" since all of my close friends (both in Canada and in NYC) are finding significant others, but maybe that's an entry for another time.

I write this entry tonight to get out how angry I am at John. I hate seeing and typing out his name, but I cant stop crying tonight and maybe this is the best solution.... i dont know. Some taylor swift quotes guiding my current mental state. "Seeing the shape of your name, it just spells out pain." "Writing letters addressed to the fire."

John:

I am genuinely grateful you included me in your plans for this trip in the first place. I had some amazing experience this trip that I wouldn't have had if you didn't ask me to go with you, and if you didn't know interest in me.

Having said this, I am so angry at you for making me feel like this. I haven't been so angry at someone in such a long time. It hurts to have someone lose interest in you, but it is entirely different to have someone lose interest in you without them telling you, and to have them just start being mean and indifferent towards you as a person. I can't believe that when I finally gathered the courage to ask you what was wrong, instead of sympathy for the horrible situation we were in, you instead were angry at me for discussing my feelings since it ruined the vibe of the trip. I genuinely hate being angry at being and I think it is a waste of energy, but I don't know what other emotion to feel right now. Despite some of the amazing experiences in Thailand, you could have told me that you weren't sure how you feel about me and I would have stayed in NYC and had a great NYE with my friends here. I haven't cried this much in such a long time, and even though I know I am overly emotional, I resent you for making me feel like this. You made me feel really safe and comfortable for a couple of months while we were dating, and genuinely you are one of the reasons I didn't need to make any diary entries for so long. Even though deep down I knew that we werent a perfect fit and I never saw a long term relationship for us, you at least made me feel welcomed and desired as a person. This is why it hurts so much to have you change your feelings for me in less than 24 hours. In the future, I know that I will look back on this and it will be a good learning experience, and I hope I can apply anything I learned from this in future relationships. I just hope I can get over this anger some time soon.

I am so happy and relieved to be back in NYC and I was surrounded by so many friends who care about me and care about my feelings, but I still have so much resentment that you got to just continue the trip and have fun with your friends in Singapore while I'm here alone in my Brooklyn apartment crying at 5:37 AM.

It helps writing this here instead of actually texting, since I genuinely do not want to hear from you and I know anything you would respond would be (at best) apathetic.

Lastly, I really do love myself as a person and I love the people that I surround myself with, and that makes it even more frustrating that you have somehow made me feel so horrible for the past 2 weeks. Having failed situationships and talking stages and having people lose interest hurts, but I just cant believe you would treat me so poorly after we got to know each other for months. I am so angry but I hope it goes away soon.

Ok to cap this off, here are the lyrics from "nobody likes a secret" by Lizzy McAlpine.

"I hold my anger in my stomach and i'm starting to have side effects from hating you this much

No explanation just a quote in a magazine where you said you only dated me for fun

And I'm paraphrasing now but the gist of it was how you never loved me, only in it for the sex

And I really dont get how you can say that and be proud of it

We both know you were in deeper than that

Nobody likes a secret and I was always yours

It's almost been a year and even so I still don't know what for"

I BETTER be over this in a year holy shit

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