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41 - May 13, 2024
Another entry but will be short and will be on some things I wouldn't necessarily tell my mom lol.
Met Kevin Tan and he was staying at our place saturday night after HITC. Luckily the vibe was definitely there and he was being flirty and we ended up hooking up so that was nice...he was very cute and we had some deep talks about relationships and stuff and he's a good guy, and also we had good sex so that was nice and fun
Back to having a crush on Tommy...I'm very curious to see how long it will take for this crush to go away. It's hard because he's so playful and flirty whenever we talk and we always have some cute moments (e.g. looking into eachother's eyes and singing along to Die For You by Joji last night at HITC, some others I cant think of right now...) so I'm always reminded why I like him. Anyways, we'll see how this plays out...probably nothing will happen and I just need to get over him
I really like Ricky and he's really sweet and caring but I think his lack of devotion is kind of bothersome to me, which is funny to say because he literally has a boyfriend and should not be devoting himself to me or anything...but like he's just so flirty and intimate with so many people that it makes me feel so much less special. Tommy is not very flirty with many people so it makes me feel special when he's like that with me. So i think I am going to kind of distance myself from him emotionally, and I was doing a good job of that at HITC but then he pulled me into him and kept putting his hands on me. Maybe if I pull away like this it will make him want me more and he'll be more proactive...but that's toxic so i wouldnt do that....unlesss.... ;) anyways again we will see how this cabin trip goes because its the perfect time to hook up with Bricky again but also i want to create distance so...
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40 - May 13, 2024
Woke up in a sort of sense of despair. One reason because yesterday was Mother's day and I woke up to so many posts about it. Another reason because I am of course still very single and was around Nathan and Tommy being so cute all weekend...they are just such a cute couple.
Anyways, mom, there are so many things I wish I could talk to you about and im sad i cant talk to you about it.
Even though the healthcare system here is efficient, my bills are so high!! I owe like $2K for all the tests and appointments and stuff I had for my eye....at least its a lot better now but still...so expensive
I went to a festival over the weekend and that guy I went to Thailand with was there. I havent seen him or spoken to him since Thailand. I actually still didnt see him or speak to him, but my friends were telling me he was there...i was pretty anxious the first hour or so wondering when/if I would see him but I guess he wasnt hanging around where we were.
My friends Tommy and Kevin had their birthday on Friday and we did a murder mystery roleplaying type of game...as Im sure you could guess i was horrible and did not pick up on any of the clues but it was really fun...
I also definitely have a bit of a crush on both Tommy and Ricky (both of them have boyfriends) so that's something I should try to get over...
Going to a cabin trip with all of the guys next weekend so looking forward to that...will be interesting to spend a whole weekend with all of them and see how that goes in terms of my crushes on them and such...
Came out to my dad and wendy and they didn't seem to care/already knew so that was easy
There's probably a lot more things I'm forgetting. I really love you mom and miss you every day and just like Lizzy Mcalpine says, i dont really know how I'm supposed to grow up without you here because I still feel like I have a lot of growing up to do and could really use your help.
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39 - April 21, 2024
So my mom passed away on April 11, 2024 and had the funeral yesterday. Doing ok right now (I'm sure ill have some entries about this in the future).
What I want to talk about right now instead is of course my dating life and boy issues!!
Taylor Swift released TTPD last week and this one song called The Prophecy is FUCKING ME UP. It's all about how she feels like she's destined to not find anyone and every time she thinks she might find someone they go away or it doesn't work out for whatever reason. This is so relatable - at this point I literally cannot fathom being in a good relationship or finding someone that likes me like I like them and wants the same things as me...
On this same note, I'm not sure how I feel about hooking up with Billy and Ricky so often. I mean I love it and it's so fun, but I wonder if it's playing with my feelings. I feel like I have such a huge crush on Ricky (and also Billy but mostly Ricky) and we have so much in common and we would be such a good pair if he was available. And since I feel like this, maybe it's holding me back from finding someone else since I already feel like I found a perfect person in Ricky. On top of this...I have such a huge crush on Tommy and have for a while and probably will continue to have a crush for a while... which again is probably not good since I feel like he's a good match for me even though he isn't available. It doesn't help that we were together a lot at Ultra (and he told me after that he had a crush on me during Ultra weekend) and then we made out at a club last weekend (even though he's in a closed relationship with Nathan).
I wonder if these people would even like me if they weren't attracted to me - pretty sure people just like to fuck me rather than spend time with me or get to know me.
Anyways, I don't know where to go from here. Like I said, I can't imagine actually finding someone I want to be in a relationship with and I am certainly not going to stop hooking up with Bricky because it's so fun so... (I mean i would stop hooking up with them if I found someone else but until then...).
Also someone asked me if they wanted to be in a throuple if I would want to, which i never even thought of before they asked me...and now I feel like that would be the perfect solution!! But i dont think they would want that so I'm not going to get my hopes up hehe
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38 - April 1, 2024
A very different journal entry this time. Currently at JFK waiting for my flight to go back home last minute because my mom is about to die? And of course I just sent back my passport 3 days ago to apply for a new one so now I have all these complications without my passport. I won't even say that I hope she gets better, because she is pretty much completely unresponsive and hospital said she has about 1 day to live. But I do hope that she remains stable/how she is right now before I get there. Missed my previous flight by about 5 minutes and would be in Canada by now if i didn't miss it, so it'll be really bad if she gets worse/etc. before I get there just because I missed my last flight. Anyways I'm sure I'll be using this blog a lot in the next few days depending on how things turn out. I have never cried so much in my life before, which is saying a lot because I cry very hard all the time (hard cries at least monthly with soft cries every few days).
To try to put myself in a better mood (?) let's talk about something happy.
Went to Ultra Miami with my NYC friends last weekend. Even though this might seem weird to some people, since it's a music festival filled with drugs and sex and partying etc, it was such a nice way to bond with my friends. I feel so close to my NYC friends here - especially some like Ricky, JC, and Tommy. Ricky randomly gave me a shirt of his on the last day just because he thought I might like it. JC and I had so many deep talks about how much we love eachother and our current friend group. Tommy told me he's really going to miss me if/when he moves to SF and told me that he had a little crush on me all weekend because I was "always there for him when he needed me" which is crazy because that's how I feel about him. On top of loving my friends, finally got to meet Chris Gao and it went better than I could've imagined. Not only was he into me, but he was seemingly VERY into me and asked me to be his rave bae for the weekend, sent me a video afterwards of him wearing the YBWM bracelet I made him. Also kept telling me how he likes having me around and that I had good energy etc. It won't work out for us because he lives in LA/moving to Seattle soon and would never want to live in NYC (and I love NYC so don't want to move). Yuzhou also called me after to catch up and specifically to warn me that he thinks Chris Gao is a bad match for me hahaha so yeah Chris and I are not happening but at least he made me feel really comfortable and warm while we were in Miami together so I'm appreciative of that and that I got to meet him at all.
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37 - March 11, 2024
Another rare entry where I'm in a good mood. We'll kind of because I met this guy (Ian from Seattle) this weekend because he's daniel's friend and was staying at our apartment. But then daniel wasnt here most of the weekend so it was mostly Ian and I hanging out. Anyways he is so cute and so sweet and seems kinda dorky and seems very honest. The unfortunate part is that he is not into me LOL but hey ya win some and ya lose some
Anyways a couple things that I loved about him:
He is very open and honest about like...bodily stuff WHICH I KNOW SOUNDS STUPID but i think its a sign of maturity if you can openly talk about the fact that youre gassy and stuff without it meaning anything and also it like aligns to my humor idk
He was eating next to me and chewing so loud with his mouth open and obviously normally that's weird but for some reason it was so cute
Very into working out but also doesnt make it his personality and talks about other stuff, i think we only rarely spoke about working out
Was generally just really fun and sweet and anyways hopefully he moves to NYC at the end of the year because he seems like he would be fuuunnn to be friends with
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36 - March 4, 2024
In a drastic shift in tone from my previous posts, I'm actually just chilling right now except i really really want a boyfriend and so hopefully that happens soon
ANYWAYS
making this post to document the fact that I am probably sabotaging myself in finding true love because I keep having these random sexual and emotional flings with people so often. To name a few in the past week:
Thursday (Feb 29) - innocent karaoke night ends with me making out with Dan Bae all night at Industry and then subwaying most of the way home with him and making out and practically jerking each other off on the subway (the subway car was empty)
Friday (Mar 1) - went out to Lost Frequencies with everyone and was aggressively dancing and making out with Billy all night, but ended up going home alone
Saturday (Mar 2) - hooked up with this guy during the day then was making out with people (mostly Ricky) during the night when we went to NOTD then to Hush. Ended up staying over at Ricky's place cuddling with Ricky and Billy - some light touching but nothing too sexual, kind of felt like I was cosplaying having a relationship
Sunday (Mar 3) - like an hour after getting home from Ricky's place, Wen comes over and we hookup
So that is like 5 sexual/potential romantic partners over the course of 4 days so thats probably why i am constantly unsatisfied despite getting more attention than I need from men
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35 - January 7, 2024
Ok one more (hopefully last) entry for this very emotional night. I want to write a letter to JC because he has had such a major influence on my life here in NYC.
JC:
I met you through EXTREMELY weird circumstances. In case for some reason either of us forget, these circumstances are: I was hanging out at Henny and Gumpy's place just playing video games shortly after I moved to new york (early June 2023) when they told me Joe would come over. I already knew Joe from when I visited NYC earlier in 2022 with Royo so I was excited that Joe was coming over. I was even more excited and surprised when they said that Joe's boyfriend was also coming over, since I didn't even know he had a boyfriend, and because i was new to the city and so excited to meet new people. Right when you and Joe walked through the door, I remember I immediately felt good energy because you were so welcoming to me and so energetic. As we played videogames throughout the night, I ended up moving back to the bed while you lied on the foot of the bed, and somehow this turned into you (and some other people, I think mostly Gumpy and Joe?) sucking my dick while Henny and some others played videogames. It was such a fun and weird way to meet someone, but I could already tell that I liked you as a person (beyond physical attraction).
I don't even remember how it came about that I hungout with you and everyone else (Kevin, Tommy, etc.) but I'm assuming it has to do with meeting you again and talking to you more at Bubble T at Elsewhere. I met Kevin that night (which of course kicked off a somewhat dramatic situationship) but I also got to know you more, and if I remember correctly, this kicked off me hanging out with you guys on an almost weekly basis.
As we hung out in group situations more, it became clear to me that you were someone I wanted to be close to and that you were genuinely a great person. This was made even more obvious to me when you were always so open to hanging out with me one on one to go on "dates" or to let me vent about my boy problems (mostly with Kevin at the start).
Now, you have become someone that I look for at every social situation I go to. If you aren't at an event I'm at, one of the first things I do is ask other people where you are or just immediately text you to ask you when you are coming. You make me feel happier and warmer every time I see you, and I always feel comfortable coming to you with any problem I need to talk about. When you say things to me like that I have become part of your "family" in NYC, you don't understand how nice that is to hear while I am navigating my life here in NYC.
You are one of the few people in my life I would be genuinely devastated if we don't stay friends long into the future.
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34 - January 7, 2024
Ok here is one more (hopefully short entry) not related to John
For some reason, it is affecting me so much that Tommy is now dating Nathan and is very most likely moving from NYC to SF in a few months to be with him
I had a dream about Tommy a few weeks ago (weirdly, while I was sleeping in Billy's bed after hooking up with Billy) where all that happened was Tommy moving away and me being sad because I knew I would miss him so much
It's weird - I know that me and Tommy would probably not be a perfect match romantically just given how we are as people. I dont think I'm jealous in a romantic sense or anything like that, but I really just have had such good times with him and other people here in new york and it's scary to think that it can't last forever. I honestly wish I could just freeze this moment in time (well maybe not this exact moment since I'm so upset about John, but like a few months ago) and just hang out with these friends forever. They make me feel so welcome and so happy and it's terrifying to think that someday we will all have separate lives with our partners and probably not hang out very often.
Am I just having a quarterlife crisis like everyone does? I guess my 25th year was pretty relaxed emotionally so now that I'm 26 maybe it's my time to freak out. I'm kind of in the mood to write letters to people so let me do the same with Tommy now, and I'm sure I'll do the same with many other friends in the near future.
Tommy:
I just met you recently (about 6 months ago) and our relationship has always been a bit strange since we are obviously attracted to each other, but I have always been with Kevin so nothing was pursued on either end. Despite sometimes you make comments that upset me, overall you have been such a positive influence in my life and I really appreciate the care, attention, and sympathy you have given me. I never expected you to go out of your way to be so kind to me, but you still did and you made me feel so welcome when I was new to NYC. Even though I was crying when you called me tonight at 4AM to talk about my feelings, it really made me feel so much better and it really showed to me who you are as a person and as a friend.
I can't exactly articulate why, but I am scared to lose you as a friend, and it feels like this will happen when you move away to SF. Again, I can't express how happy I am for you because I think Nathan is such a great guy for you and it seems like you will be really happy with him in SF, but i am just sad for my future without you in it as much. Going to raves/clubs without turning around and seeing you smiling back at me just wont be the same.
I love you and I hope we will be friends for a long time, far after you move to SF, and I just appreciate your presence in my life.
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33 - January 7, 2024
Wow it has been a long time since I have had to come here. In short, I have been going on dates with John Shen for a few months now and thought it was going well, but after this Thailand White Party trip he invited me to (which hopefully, whenever I re-visit these posts, I have completely wiped from my memory) we are obviously not dating and are actually not speaking at all. I just got off of a facetime call with Tommy where he talked me through everything I went through and gave his input and experiences with John, and I genuinely love Tommy so much and really appreciate him calling me. Even though I'm crying as I write this, I think it's so helpful that I have someone like him that cares enough to call me at 4am to talk about my feelings (oh yeah it's 5:24 AM and I am apparently jetlagged and not tired at all right now so who knows when I will sleep). Tommy has a boyfriend now and I'm so happy for him that he found someone. To be honest, I am kind of terrified that I am somehow being "left behind" since all of my close friends (both in Canada and in NYC) are finding significant others, but maybe that's an entry for another time.
I write this entry tonight to get out how angry I am at John. I hate seeing and typing out his name, but I cant stop crying tonight and maybe this is the best solution.... i dont know. Some taylor swift quotes guiding my current mental state. "Seeing the shape of your name, it just spells out pain." "Writing letters addressed to the fire."
John:
I am genuinely grateful you included me in your plans for this trip in the first place. I had some amazing experience this trip that I wouldn't have had if you didn't ask me to go with you, and if you didn't know interest in me.
Having said this, I am so angry at you for making me feel like this. I haven't been so angry at someone in such a long time. It hurts to have someone lose interest in you, but it is entirely different to have someone lose interest in you without them telling you, and to have them just start being mean and indifferent towards you as a person. I can't believe that when I finally gathered the courage to ask you what was wrong, instead of sympathy for the horrible situation we were in, you instead were angry at me for discussing my feelings since it ruined the vibe of the trip. I genuinely hate being angry at being and I think it is a waste of energy, but I don't know what other emotion to feel right now. Despite some of the amazing experiences in Thailand, you could have told me that you weren't sure how you feel about me and I would have stayed in NYC and had a great NYE with my friends here. I haven't cried this much in such a long time, and even though I know I am overly emotional, I resent you for making me feel like this. You made me feel really safe and comfortable for a couple of months while we were dating, and genuinely you are one of the reasons I didn't need to make any diary entries for so long. Even though deep down I knew that we werent a perfect fit and I never saw a long term relationship for us, you at least made me feel welcomed and desired as a person. This is why it hurts so much to have you change your feelings for me in less than 24 hours. In the future, I know that I will look back on this and it will be a good learning experience, and I hope I can apply anything I learned from this in future relationships. I just hope I can get over this anger some time soon.
I am so happy and relieved to be back in NYC and I was surrounded by so many friends who care about me and care about my feelings, but I still have so much resentment that you got to just continue the trip and have fun with your friends in Singapore while I'm here alone in my Brooklyn apartment crying at 5:37 AM.
It helps writing this here instead of actually texting, since I genuinely do not want to hear from you and I know anything you would respond would be (at best) apathetic.
Lastly, I really do love myself as a person and I love the people that I surround myself with, and that makes it even more frustrating that you have somehow made me feel so horrible for the past 2 weeks. Having failed situationships and talking stages and having people lose interest hurts, but I just cant believe you would treat me so poorly after we got to know each other for months. I am so angry but I hope it goes away soon.
Ok to cap this off, here are the lyrics from "nobody likes a secret" by Lizzy McAlpine.
"I hold my anger in my stomach and i'm starting to have side effects from hating you this much
No explanation just a quote in a magazine where you said you only dated me for fun
And I'm paraphrasing now but the gist of it was how you never loved me, only in it for the sex
And I really dont get how you can say that and be proud of it
We both know you were in deeper than that
Nobody likes a secret and I was always yours
It's almost been a year and even so I still don't know what for"
I BETTER be over this in a year holy shit
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32 - October 22, 2023 (sunday)
So I feel good but maybe have a bunch of small emotions going on so using this to collect my thoughts:
Kevin at this point is just a person I think about from time to time and have some melancholy that it didn't work out. Not too sad about it anymore just kind of waiting to be fully over him
I have been hanging out with John Shen a lot LOL we went on 3 dinner dates with like no real flirting or sexual stuff or anything. And then he comes out to Hush with us all when we were all really drunk and we made out a loooot. Really cute because there was kind of the question of wondering if he was into me or not and then it was so satisfying to have it confirmed by us making out at the club. Also that same night him and Merlin made out, and then me and Merlin made out...and then all three of us made out LOL soo...
Everyone is going to Taipei pride this week and AHHH I AM SCARED I AM GOING TO BE LONELY HERE. Kevin isn't going so I was hoping that maybe this would be a nice time for us to hang out a bit more as just friends. We haven't hung out much at all since we had the talk - I've only seen him in big group situations - but he really is not showing that he is interest in hanging out. When I saw him on Friday at Billy's pre before some of us went to Naarak he was really affection in a friend way and it made me feel good like maybe we really can just be friends, and he was making jokes about us in a way that showed he thinks we can be friends and joke about it and move past our history...but then I ask him what hes up to for Halloween and he just says "not sure yet!" without asking me what I'm doing so fuck that. At the same time it is literally just like 1.5 weeks that everyone is gone so this is probably a good time to spend more time by myself and be less dependent on external attention
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31 - September 27, 2023 (wednesday)
Big day today in being mature and protecting my feelings
Texted that to Kevin and had a talk with him and I covered pretty much every talking point I wanted to talk about
Got some BIG ICKS throughout that conversation which tbh is probably good in helping me move on. For example, I told him how its manipulative when he tells me he likes me then doesnt really act like it and he was like "i dont remember saying that was I drunk?" and then was like "yeah when I'm drunk I let down my inhibitions and say and do things I shouldnt" YOU ARE A 27 YEAR OLD MAN YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO CONTROL YOURSELF AND YOUR ACTIONS EW WHAT
Also he's like "yeah so maybe when we're drinking a lot we should try to stay away from each other so I don't say anything I shouldn't" AND I LITERALLY LAUGHED OUT LOUD BECAUSE ITS LIKE....JUST SIMPLY DONT SAY THINGS THAT YOU KNOW WILL PLAY WITH MY FEELINGS...hes like "i think we can both work on that and it's both of our responsibility to make sure you don't take anything I say seriously" ARE YOU SERIOUS LMAO? ITS MY JOB TO NOT TAKE WHAT YOU SAY SERIOUSLY RATHER THAN YOU JUST SHOULDNT SAY THINGS YOU DONT MEAN?
I feel like I have a weight on my chest and am kind of scared about the future but overall feel so so much better
"The love we had was covered in snow I had to let it go. The love we had was eating me whole I had to send it home"
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30 - September 27, 2023 (wednesday)
Talking points with Kevin if I decide to send that text and he wants to talk about it:
I know I have blame in this because you told me you aren't looking to date, but I tried to get distance from you and then you started to give me even more attention in front of all of your friends
You know how much I like you (because it's obvious based on how I act and because I have outright told you) but you still act like this whenever we go out even though you have no intentions of matching what I want from this
I dont know why you tell me how much you like me sometimes when we are out together or at group events, and then you never actually show that you like me with your actions. You never ask me to hangout, we only ever hangout in group settings where I dont even know if you're coming out half of the time, the only reason we used to hangout is because I would try to initiate seeing you and then when I stopped you're like "we havent hung out in a while - we dont talk as much - you haven't been over in so long" which again makes me feel good even though you dont even want anything with me
On top of wanting to give you and myself space, I also never ask you to hangout because you're so bad with responding it makes me less excited to want to initiate things with you because I dont know if you'll respond. Even if you do respond in a normal time frame, you reject hanging out
If you actually like me you should be excited to hangout with me and excited to kiss me if I want to kiss you. I'm not expecting you to hangout all the time - I have literally asked you to hangout one single time in the past few weeks (which you said no to) - but you should want to hangout with me some times
You always make me feel good then immediately take it away with your actions or with comments you make (e.g. making us your phone background then immediately changing it to Ricky or telling everyone "oh we aren't dating though I have backgrounds with other boys too")
Because you do this, whether it's intentional or not, it's really manipulative to my feelings and its a 50/50 on if I end up leaving hangouts with you feeling good or feeling horrible
Everyone I have ever told this situation about is like "why are you putting up with that? That's so fucked up"
Overall it's just pathetic that I'm still giving you chances when you have no intention of giving me any more
(I wont say this one to him I'm just thinking it) Out of anyone I could have chosen to give attention and affection to in new york, I chose you and you aren't willing to reciprocate that. I understand you don't want to date and that's fine but it means that you're losing me
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29 - September 27, 2023 (wednesday)
"Hey Kevin so for now at least I think we shouldn't have any more physical or romantic interaction and just try to be friends. It would be nice to talk about it but if you dont want to then that's fine and I'll just see you Friday night"
Pros of sending this text:
I will finally have peace
I will probably be able to have a better time going out with people without wondering what kevin's doing and how he's feeling about me
I will show everyone that I have self respect
I will open myself up to getting closer to other people
I will stop having my mood ruined by comments that he makes
Cons of sending this text:
I won't have any more momentary highs from his affection which really do make me happy in the moment/for a night at a time
I really love him as a friend and it's scary that we might drift apart if I break things off with him
If i break things off with him and he starts talking to someone else and dates them then that'll prove that I'm the issue and i might kill myself
Potential that people only like me because I'm close to him so maybe this will ruin current friendships (this seems unlikely though because many of these friends have told me to break things off with him and have outright told me they like to hang out with me)
There is the potential for a future for us when he's ready to date and this might ruin that potential (THIS IS A PATHETIC ONE THOUGH THIS ONE DOESNT COUNT AS A CON)
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28 - September 18, 2023 (monday)
Feeling verryyy solemn today
Last night Kevin and I were up until FOUR AM playing TFT and it was fun and cute, but also in hindsight it feels really irresponsible and I'm so tired so I feel kind of guilty and overall unmotivated today
What's making me feel extra solemn though is that I think I came to the conclusion that maybe Kevin and I are really just more compatible as friends. I think there are some ways in which we aren't sexually compatible (he doesn't feel the need to clean before sex which kinda turns me off, he doesnt like to have his ass ate, he likes to ride), and he doesn't do anything wrong, but he just makes so many comments that bother me sometimes and I don't know how long I can deal with it. Comments made yesterday include talking about how much he misses his ex sometimes, talking about his sex life and how much he likes to ride when I hate cowboy...I can't think of others now but there were many made last night that just made me upset kind of irrationally. Again, he didn't do anything wrong at all, it's just my insecurity in that I wish he would just be all about me.
I had the same thought with Sylvester before where I felt like there was too much history and stuff for us to ever be truly compatible sexually. Like it's mostly just in my head, but isn't it a bit weird for us to have these 2 failed sex attempts, and then go so long without doing anything sexual, and then for us to just start having sex again?
After typing this all out I'm pretty much I am mostly in my head (the ways we aren't sexually compatible can be fixed in some way, maybe it's not that weird for us to have sex again after not being sexual). BUT THEN AGAIN maybe it's good for me to be feeling this - maybe I need some type of wake up call to realize that we should just be friends. It's obviously just hard to let go what I thought we could be. Especially without having a talk with Kevin - we have such a flirty relationship, it feels weird if I were to just try to pursue someone else without talking with him.
UPDATE: about 1 hour later and I feel almost completely fine. If Kevin and i work out then great, and if we don't then someone else will come along. If you don't want me, then you're not the one.
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27 - September 17, 2023 (sunday)
Ok a rare diary entry where I am not mentally unstable I just have some slightly unhappy thoughts.
Tonight we (me, Tommy, Kevin, Merlin, Yuzhou, billy, Ricky, JC, Steven, maybe some others) went to a rooftop rave for NOTD which was SOOO MUCH FUN and I was mostly sober but kinda drunk and just had such a good time hanging out with friends and flirting with boys a little but it was mostly a friends night and it was so fun
I am just feeling kind of annoyed about Kevin, but not even anything he's doing, just annoyed at myself for still being into him. if I wasn't into him my life would be so much more CARE FREE and i would have so much less anxiety. He did absolutely nothing wrong tonight, but still I'm annoyed at the moments that he made jokes at my expense or gave more attention to others boys (especially Yuzhou since I know they used to have a thing and they kind of have known eachother for longer). I should have no jealousy here because I know that they used to have a thing and Kevin kind of ended it because he wasn't interested, but still I'm anxious that they went home together and are having fun without me and I feel like I can't really pursue anyone else in this friend group because of the situation between me and Kevin (and YES I DID JUST CHECK HIS LOCATION AND HES HOME BUT I DONT HAVE YUZHOU'S LOCATION AND IF I FIND OUT HE WAS AT KEVINS ILL KILL MYSELF).
Anyways I am generally happy and had a great time tonight and people were nice to me as always (e.g. at Ricky's pre everyone voted me to be most successful on onlyfans so thats nice)
Anyways Kevin just logged on and invited me to a TFT game so i guess I'm happy and obviously Yuzhou isnt at his place soooo
byebye
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26 - September 10, 2023
Ok not sure exactly what happened in my brain from last night until today but I have been so ANXIOUS ALL DAY :( it's extra frustrating because my parents are visiting and I hungout with them today, and i was in such a bad mood just because I was so anxious but I didnt want to talk to them about it because I didnt want to bring down their mood and because I feel like this is a rare case where talking about it wouldnt make me feel better.
Today everyone (Daniel, Wes, Kevin, Angus, Tommy, Billy, etc) are going to dinner in queens/near flushing and I am irrationally jealous that I'm not going since I got dinner with parents. I'm so annoyed at myself because I didnt even want to go to the dinner - it's all you can eat sashimi which I don't like, it's somewhat expensive, and it's over an hour away so it's so far - yet I'm still like annoyed that I can't go and I'm just jealous or anxious that they're having fun without me.
Weirdly, I'm not even jealous when Daniel sent me a picture of Kevin holding Angus because I'm not really threatened by him. Which then makes me question who I would be threatened by and why I'm anxious at all. I can't think of anyone I would be truly threatened by because Kevin is so affectionate and responds well to my affection when I'm with him, which I know he isnt really like that with other people. Even if him and I were fully officially dating, it's not like I would be with him every day and there are still times where him and all our friends would go out without me if I'm busy with other stuff. I think overall I need to get better at being comfortable alone in this city, or generally just without kevin physically with me or on my mind. It would be so nice if I could just have a chill day at home without being anxious, or if I could go out with other people and just not think of kevin.
Typing this out actually did help - it really made me realize how irrational my fears and anxiety about this is.
Song of the day/week: Other Boys by Dove Cameron ugh so good
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25 - September 10, 2023
Well today and for the past few days I have been VERY HAPPY. Especially today I was very happy.
Last night we went to a tiki bar to pre with Angus and some others, and then to a rooftop bar where Sandy was DJ'ing, and then to Vers and it was just so nice. Kevin was so affectionate all night, but on top of that it was nice to see friends and everyone was really nice and flirty and whatever.
I can't tell if I'm happy because Kevin was so nice and it's making me think something can happen there, or if it's because I've realized that (even though I love his attention) I dont need Kevin's attention to survive.
Anyways I just got home from a board game night at Tak's place and it was really chill and fun and now it's 3AM and I'm watching a TFT Vod alone and I'm not sad at all. I didn't see kevin tonight because he had other plans, and Willis was at this board game night so Kevin couldn't come, but I don't feel bad at all and I'm just excited to maybe see him tomorrow for dinner with Billy and other people.
OH ALSO Tommy was so cute and invited me to the DJ at Vers last night and was like "YOU GUYS FOLLOW EACHOTHER GO SAY HI" and then I have plans to hang out with John Shen in a couple weeks when he gets back from a trip and also Angus has been really flirty which is fun soooo......a lot of fun things going on idk
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