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#Me. I am probably scared of anyone caring for me bc i feel im not enough and i will disappoint them+am not worth it
haemosexuality · 1 year
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these past few days i have been uncharacteristically. emotionally open. w my friend and it has me thinking about how truly for all of my life i just did not expect anything from anyone
#like since i was a kid i just accepted in my head that all the ''friends'' id have were ppl who either were just putting up w me (probably#bc they had no one else and i was like. what was available) or ppl who cared ab me yeah but i was still their second or third choice#and i was just like. yeah ok. i can survive w that. like consciously i made the choice to hang out w people i knew didnt really like me#bc it was better than not having anyone to talk to#did it hurt any less when those ppl eventually stopped talking to me or i learned theyve been talking about how annoying i am to others?#no it didnt. bc i still cared about Them and had Them as my first choice. but i just thought. thats just how it is. im jist not really#likeable. so ill take what i can get#when i was like 7 or 8. i had one friend at school. and she had like some issues at home or smth idk but sometimes she would just start.#treating me badly or just ignoring me for months at a time. and its not like it deeply traumatized me or anything i honestly didmt remember#this fact until like last year but the thing is that i just. accepted it. i was just like yeah ok for half of the year or so my only friend#will act like she hates me and ill have no one to talk to. thats fine. ill just wait until next year when she likes me again. at age 7. and#now im just like what the fuck man why did i just accept that as my life. through all my childhood and then with other friends in my teen#years why did i never not once try to do better for myself. yknow?#when i was 11 and in another school my best friend suddenly started not talking to me. after a month or so of this i decided to invite her#to my house to play like we had done so several times before and she just looked at me like she was confused i was talking to her at all#and said ''why?''. and i was just like. ok. thats that i guess. genuinely why did i just accept these things#and like yeah i have friends that i feel Get me now and one i love just so much and i can tell loves me back but theyre online. i dont talk#to anyone irl. i dont know how. and im happy im so happy but im also scared that im just doomed to be extremely lonely forever irl#because i am legit just not likeable. not to be a weird a weirdo but yeah im just too different from ur average person my age i cant#connect with them in any way. and i also dont know how to talk to people or make friends or to find people that are like me. ill just#not have anyone forever#i guess#especially bc now i dont hate myself enough to hang out with people i dont like so like. i dont even have that as an option skdbskdjks#Every friend i ever made happened bc the other person reached out to me first and insisted on it. all the friendships that stuck were the#gay autistic/adhd weirdonerds who can relate to my hyperfixations and dont expect me to act Normal™. idk how to find the former group irl#and have never once iniciated a friendship. my fate is to be someone who has online friends only and exclusively#and dont even get me STARTED on the topic of having a girlfriend someday-#anyways. certified magnus archives moment
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mrfoox · 1 year
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Once I learn the difference between me having a crush and me being (hyper)fixated on a person, it's all over
#miranda talking shit#Autism tag#I do kinda have some idea.... But its hard. I think the biggest difference is how nervous and 'diffrent' i am around them#As usual i struggle to say excatly what it is im feeling for a person. I just know at the bottom i care about them a lot#But do i have a crush or am i just fixated bc they are intresting to me? Who knows lmao#The few moments i had my doubts with fabian it was fine tbh. But my fixation with him was intense bht short-lived#Now im just like... He baby. I got an idea how he works so i am no longer obsessed#Unfortunately oliver ive still not gotten an handle on. I found him intresting from the first few months of knowing him#But after a year it just became way deeper since we started to discuss such topics. Now I'm like... I probably dont have a crush on you#I probably just really want to understand you. But who knows honestly but please talk to me more i got to ask more things#As i turned 18 and had my breaking point and then started to recover and meet a lot of new different people...#I slowly but surely got so intrested in people unlike myself. Usually unknown things scare me but something changed and since then it just#Wants me to hear more and understand as much as i can about them. Guess its my autistic brain seeing them as a mystery or a puzzle#Challenging things mentally like that really is something i love. I love to think and thoerize and wonder. I do however hate it#Like... I feel creepy about it. I know i dont feel this way intentionally but i also can't tell anyone about it without them thinking im#Weird or creepy etc. Or i guess i am scared people will think i dont care about people but just want to study them? Its more the other way#Around. I care about people and thus want to understand them? Dont enjoy it though. It feels wrong and i feel guilty :')
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lovecrazedpup · 1 year
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crying over him when his song comes on
#im so tired#why am i never enough#ive never been enough and im gonna fucking kill myself for it#i just want him to talk to me#hes probably calling other girls rn and not even watching his shows#probably sexting other girls too#just bc im not enough anymore#bc im not whoring myself out to him anymore bc i realise im fucking disgusting#im abt to fucking break i rlly cant do this anymore#but im gonna come crawling back to him tmrw bc i love him#and i fucking hate myself for it#this is the first time ive actually felt *loved* and i dont get it bc ive never cried this much over anyone before#i dont know what to do#usually id call a friend of ours rn bc i dont feel as annoying but i *know* hes busy so i cant#but im so scared of cutting rn since im 8 months clean#and itd ruin christmas#but i just know if i go ‘hey im scared of cutting myself rn’ itll be manipulative#but im so scared#i wish he cared for me as much as i do him#i wish he understood how to deal with me but i know no matter what i say is just gonna come across as red flags and hes gonna leave#he says he understands bpd and when i sent resources he was like ‘yea i know’ so i didnt go in depth abt my triggers but also FUCK#isnt it kinda common bpd knowledge that ignoring (intentional or not) them can set them off ????#and like aidboabdksnskandvak i fucking just want COMFORT i just want him to call me and reassure me and say that its ok#that im not a burden for feeling this way and that im ok and that he loves me#im trying so fucking hard to bottle all of this up but every day is getting worse and worse#and i KNOW im gonna blow up and say smth i can never take back#but what am i meant to do#im trying to be like . yknow . not a mentally ill manipulative standard sterotypical bpd gf#please i am begging you to respond#jamie.txt
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desceros · 7 months
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You & GB are RUINING me with your blurple villain Leo au How dare you sirs?! You've turned me absolutely feral a slobbering bitey mess /pos
Unfortunately for you activating my hyperfixation also means activating my obsessive brain spinning... Questions be upon ye!!!
Did Lamb-chan grow up with Donnie? How did she first meet villain!Leo? What did she do/say that flipped Leo from "you're a pretty dumb innocent little lamb huh" to "you're *mine* I am keeping you forever"? How did Donnie react the first time Lamb-chan came home smelling like Leo? Is that what snapped his control, the moment his instincts drove him to finally (thoroughly) demonstrate just how well he can take care of her? How did Leo react the next time he saw Lamb-chan & she smelled like Donnie?
I humbly submit these questions in the hopes that you may see fit to give me any crumbs nay even specks of delicious brain food that can be spared 🙏 pls & ty 🙏🙏
[after i gush for twenty minutes about how this is all their fault for enabling me] oh man i love questions
EDIT THIS GOT SO LONG. OH MY GOD. IM PUTTING IT UNDER A CUT also hi @gbao3 <3 please add your thoughts to this as well
so it aaaaaaall started with this post, with leo being the wolf and donnie being the sheep dog.
as such, you're childhood friends with donnie, since sheep dogs grow up with their sheep. i imagine he's basically always been a little in love with you, but it hasn't always been... ah... healthy? like. when he was young it was that kind of 'when we grow up let's get married bc we're best friends' love. and then as a teenager it became kind of an obsession. doesn't the world know how important you are to him? can't you see how dangerous it can be without him to protect you?
it's during this stage that he's maybe a bit self-destructive with it, literally at one point putting himself between you and another mutant, ending up with him having the scars on his shell. he mellows out a little as he grows older, to the point where now it's just a fact of his life that he's in love with you and there won't ever be anyone else; it's less of a fire inside of him and more just. yeah. duh? of course i love them and would die for them? zzzzz next question. but he's still very much the kind of person who asks you your itinerary down to the fifteen minute mark when you leave so he can make sure to know exactly when you'll be home.
i suspect that as lamb-chan, as much as you also love donnie, that can get a little, uh. overbearing. to say the least. i think that you have a habit of slipping out from time to time (since you live at the lair where donnie is always always always watching), just to breathe, to get away from it a little. the world looks a little different without donatello at your side, after all, and you're a little curious. so maybe you wander a little too far, sometimes.
and leo. god. leo is a breath of something that feels like air, but you're not sure what it is.
i don't have the exact first meeting pinned down in my head, but i do have this mental image of him sitting on a fire escape, one knee bent up to his chest and the other hanging down the side, a toothy grin on his face as he mockingly asks what a soft little thing like you is doing on this side of town. and you see him and you're just like, oh. he. he looks a lot like donnie. so you're a lot less scared than you probably should be, and that—that fascinates him. what kind of world do you live in where he's all but a perfect picture of the underbelly of the world, and you smile at him?
what would it take for you to look at him like everyone else does?
so he invites you to come back again. and you, well, you're just like. wow!! friend shaped!! so you do. but this time leo's not on the fire escape. he's on the ground, and he circles you a bit like a predator would. he's looking for you to be uncomfortable; to be afraid. but he made one small mistake; the shape of his smirk, now that he's close, is eerily familiar. it looks so much like donnie's, you could swear the two were twins. and it makes it so, so hard to be anything other than curious. mikey and raph don't look so similar to donnie, after all. why does leo?
so it continues like that until one day, leo says something and you laugh. and that—that hits him like a bludgeon to the chest. it's not like any laugh he's ever had directed at him before. and when you open your eyes, wiping away the amused tears, your gaze is so fucking soft. in that moment, leo realizes that he's hungry. and you—you look like you'd taste so. good.
meanwhile donnie is like. no really. where the fuck are you going. and one day he follows you and who the fuck is this guy with his arms around you. (but i think i'm going to leave that one for another day bc i have a nice one-shot in my drafts folder about how that'd play out)
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bleekay · 3 months
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anyone who cares about the me hating my room layout saga........come along w me...... no img descriptions im so sorry..... i can only describe these images as "2d bedroom/office poorly laid out in various ways"
sorry im using inches not cm. so here is my room's current layout:
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it's a small room, less than 10'x11'. that window on the side is 6'x6' and the window sill sticks out 2 inches from the wall, and it starts 1 foot up from the floor. im using my desk as a bedside table rn. why do i want to rearrange this? why does it kill me that this is what i'm stuck with?
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SICK OF MY MOM DOING THIS SHIT. just silently standing in my doorway whenever she walks past my room and i have something interesting to her on my screen. she wont even announce she's there, she just stands there. one time i was watching some stupid funny video and i found out she was behind me because she LAUGHED and it scared the shit out of me. yes i have talked to her about it. yes she knows i don't like it. she says she "doesn't do it on purpose" just sometimes she'll walk past and see something on the screen and can't help but look. girl.
but like heres the thing... what if friends have drawn nice porn??? ideally let's not let my mom look at it. I want to draw porn??? lol, lmao even. imagine what i could make if i were free. no but fr even aside from that, just day to day, it'd be nice to feel like an adult and not a kid whose parent is looking over their shoulder all the time, even past the invasion of privacy issue, having my back to the door means im always on edge... so that is goal number 1.
("why dont you just close your door?" dogs ok shut up)
(also wanted to say that step 1 in preventing my mom from just Doing That was to get a door curtain, which i have now, but it does not change my desire to move my desk. it isnt enough.)
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goal number 2 is giving the dogs a pathway equal in flow to the current one. the dog seat next to my chair is 26 inches high, so the dogs can only get there from the bed, not the floor. you can see right now, it's easy peasy for them, step up, bed, seat. that blue circle is where i initially put the dog seat, and it was lower at the time so the dogs could reach it from the floor. alas, katze hated it on that side even though it was easier for me to get out of my chair when it was on the left of me instead of the right.
ok, so we've got the two big goals. desk against right-side wall. easy layout for dogs.
i need you to know i've tried a lot of different layouts ok. i am showing you a FRACTION of the attempts. a fraction!!!! i tried a layout with my bed at a 45 degree angle, don't "have you tried--" me
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the left side wont work bc the dresser and bed overlap by 2 inches and it simply won't fit. the right one solved that problem. but both of these have two other problems: 1, dogs falling into window gap lol -- easily solvable, i'll just fill in the window with pillows or something -- and 2, i have to choose whether to give the dogs a step over to their seat or to have a bedside table. can't have both. and i need a bedside table so the dog seat would have to go on the other side with a step up, which would block me in. also unacceptable. both of these are out.
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thats what led me to this layout, which i made a post about. so the dresser would work as a bedside table for me, the dogs have decent flow up the step, to the bed, over onto the dog seat. but ah. the space between the desk and the bed is about 20 inches. maybe a little less if the window sill pushes the bed out an inch or two from the wall. am trapped. probably difficult to get in and out. i am not teeny tiny.
and now we are here:
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if i just scoot the desk down i have room to move, dogs still have flow, everything's good..... except. you see it right. just a. large gap in the corner. nothing there. surrounded by things that are all 2 feet high or taller. so, a pit really. but, ah, what's this????
a free table exactly the length and width of the gap, stopping any chance of the dogs falling down there and hurting themselves or being unable to get out???
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wow, i can move my printer from on top of the dresser to on that table! i can put my mini shelves there which are currently sitting on my desk! i can maybe even set some little trinkets and doodads there!! ah, table that is perfectly sized for my corner pit and that i got totally for free and is in really good shape and not falling apart, wow you're so great! :)
is what i would say if i had a table that fit there and was free and worked well
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finanah · 5 months
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akito shinonome fluff alphabet !! akito x reader
ok umm ermm i dont like the heizou smau and unfortunately my genshin rephase has ended so ill probably not touch it at all ermm i dont think anyone cares so its ok >_<!! the divder is so fat guys pls someone send me a like smaller one i can save on my PHONE bc my pc is still broken help
not enough akito stuff under the akito tag so here i am
contents = mentions of heavier bleeding in the “injuries” part, no other warnings
i tried not to specify reader too much guys woohoo not proofread idk the wordcount
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A = Admiration (what do they absolutely adore about you?)
i feel like akito would like seeing you when you’re passionate about a hobby or dream, especially since he does the same. However if you don’t have any, maybe just your excitement for anything materialistic that you might like.
if you’re also someone who enjoys music and singing like he does, he’d probably admire that over everything.
great minds think alike!
B = Body (what is their favorite part of your body?)
ok i actually have no idea help..
i would guess either your hands, your waist or lips
lips in a more romantic way, hes a touch starved guy so something as intimate as a kiss 100% has him giggling
you know that totally hot thing some guys do when they walk past you?? like the doorway doesnt have that much space and he just slightly moves you by your waist its so akskj i feel like hed do that n likes seeing your reactions out of it
i like waists too so i dont see why anyone WOULDNT like them.. i mean during hugging, back hugs, tickling etc i just think theyre nice and i feel like he would too
hands bc it’s satisfying to see you do literally anything.. holding the microphone, writing, the feeling when u play with his hair or draw circles on his back when you cuddle (idc hes SO small spoon coded) he just likes the feeling of it
C = Cuddling (how do they like to cuddle?)
if you’re like me and hug anyone and everyone he would be SICKK of you and enjoy it
he’d be embarrassed, totally
hes not a fan of pda, since whenever he sees a lovey dovey couple in public he gets irked by it but when hes the lovey dovey couple in public hes embarrassed
i mean as long as you’re not all hot and steamy in public i think hugs should be allowed!!
indoors hes a cuddlebag 100%
he likes being little spoon, or just laying on you as long as it doesnt crush you
but if you’re tired, or just want him to hold you he’d never refuse either, hes like.. 60/40?
D = Dates (what does their ideal date with you look like?)
if you go out anywhere, its a store that includes sweet shit cuz this guys sweet tooth is insane
if you have one too, its either he’s glad you share tastes OR you’re fighting over the last piece of cake
he’d really like indoor dates too, like where you just cuddle and watch movies
im sure hed like themeparks too, even tho im not sure if he enjoys wild rides like that i think hed just love the fun atmosphere
E = Emotions (how do they express emotion around you?)
i think hes the type of guy who doesn’t like feeling vulnerable, but when he does let it out and you react in a more caring way than he expected, he’d loosen up a little.
hes such a cutie too, if something is on his mind he’d tell you in a blunt but monotone way, like in a way where it wouldn’t hurt you? it may still hurt you but he tries..
im not sure if he’d cry around you, in the first couple months of getting used to being in an established relationship, maybe he’d keep it a little more private (hes scared that you’ll think hes a wimp)
but once he gets used to you, and is sure you wont point and ridicule him for showing any type of emotion, you’re gonna be his safespace and anytime hes mad at someone its a gossip session
i want to bite him so badhes such a cufie
F = Family (do they want one? If they do, when?)
ok so im not entirely sure if he wants kids, he would 100% marry you definitely but will look out if you want to pursue your dreams (if you have any) like he does, and if you do he doesn’t want your kids to be neglected, neither for you to tire yourself out by doing both of those things
and if hes aware of the terrifying package that comes with pregnancy, both during and after i think he’d let you fully decide on wether you’re having kids
i still think that he’d love the idea of two kids, one boy one girl since he grew up with a sister. he thinks that despite the little fights he has with ena, he loves her and knows that they look out for eachother
he wouldnt mind having less either (for your health probably) or having two girls or two boys, the idea of having a little version of him and you running around is enough
G = Gifts (how do they feel about gift giving? What are their habits when it comes to this?)
in the beginning of the relationship, he observes
hes outspoken but i dont think (i doubt) that hes ever been in a relationship and is probably a newbie at it, so he just speculates on what you like, what your hobbies are, how you feel about things etc so he doesn’t hurt you and knows what to order/buy for you when you go out
its very heartwarming, he likes seeing your reactions when you recieve the very thing you’ve been eyeing but never had the time to get from him all like “how did you know?!” and by this you’re just boosting his ego
whenever you reach a goal, or pass a test he would (very discreetly) give you a kiss on the cheek or forehead if he doesn’t have anything on him, a peck or a snack for a small milestone!
but if its something insane like, getting into your dream school, debuting, or anything important hed take you out as like a little celebration
H = Holding Hands (when/how do they like to hold hands?)
he loves it, and he doesnt
he loves doing it when you’re alone or when no one can notice, like under the table, in your pockets (more obvious but he doesnt realize) holding his pinky, etc
if someone points it out hes pulling away so fast LMAO
if you keep his hand in place and not let him pull away hes just gonna sit there with a red face saying “oh yeah…” and completely ignore any of the comments
in private, hes holding your hand all the time
like if you’re the small spoon for once, and end up falling asleep hed hold your hand and fall asleep on his own
hand holding is something that one of you has to initiate in some .. discreet way.. hes too embarrassed lol but if you show no sign of making the move he’ll force himself eventually (he wants to hold your hand too bad)
I = Injury (how would they act if you got hurt?)
if its something minor like a paper cut, hes gonna call you clumsy and dumb .. though if its like a super deep one and youre genuinely in pain hes sweating buckets
“seriously, how do you even get a papercut..”
if you like.. break a bone, or get a BAD injury hes on the verge of tears
like, hes so worried its kinda funny. hed be checking up on you 24/7 and get you little snacks
his schedule is tight but will stretch it out just so he can know you’re okay, but if its like an injury where you somehow got a deep cut and youre bleeding like crazy (while hes there) he suddenly has all medical knowledge
to sum it up, hed be worried regardless and tend to whatever injury you have
J = Jokes (do they like to joke around with or prank you? how?)
i don’t see him as much of a prankster, but he would probably tease you alot. like, if you’re in gym class and absolutely cannot do it anymore hes gonna tease you for it and call you a slowpoke
i don’t think hed go too far, he’d just make little harmless comments to rile you up for fun
L = Love (how do they show you they love you?)
hes touch starved and i doubt that his love language is physical affection, tho he does like holding you his primary love language would be quality time and acts of service
i can see him being all of them tbh, like words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and gift giving is just so him, the physical touch too.. hes just everything i love him
if you’re upset, he’d make you some food, scoop you up and reassure you and just hear you out (if the setting is right lol) hes just such a cutie
M = Memory (favorite memory together?)
i think ill have to be vague with this one because this is more like akito x reader where i dont wanna specify anything about reader and akito.. like the imagination is up to u
but if anything, if you’re like past the marriage line, his favorite memory would be the day you got married and your honeymoon, i mean.. its marriage what do you excpect
if you’re also someone with a singing career like him, he’d love all the times you two practiced eachothers lines and choreographies. he just loves the idea of sharing a similar dream to someone as close as you
he loves all the minor memories too, whenever you two cuddle, whenever you reassure him, whenever hes reminded that you see him as your safespace etc
he just likes the entire memory of you
N = Nightmare (what is their worst fear?)
ill specify this as a nightmare inside the relationship circle, since i think this is what would apply in this alphabet
hes scared of hurting you in a way where you’ll see him in a bad light forever and would never want to even be on his radar
he hates the idea of being a source to your problems, it makes him sorta insecure that if he just didn’t exist, you’d probably be happier
in general, hes scared of being the reason of loosing you and just hurting you to such a degree
O = Oddity (what is one quirk they have?)
his specified addiction to cheesecake and pancakes lol.. or that he can’t own up to his feelings and just denies any confrontation about them
he likes playing with your hair, and theres just something about anything that you own that makes it super fun to use
like if hes taking a shower at your place and just looks at the shampoos you have, he’s totally using them
like not in a weird way, its just the thought that “whats so special about it?? let me just..”
like he just thinks anything yours is sacred (he has multiple hairties of yours and keeps them on his wrist)
P = Pet Names (what do they like to call you?)
im sorry i cant see this guy using petnames.. like maybe “dumbass” or just anything teasing but its just generally your name.. unless you ask him to use a nickname or just something people call you hed do it
i just dont see him using darling, cutie or princess.. its corny imo
you guys to yourselves, if you see him saying that thats u.. its just such an ick for me
i can KINDA see him using babe, since its kinda common (i dont see him using baby) and slightly sweetheart maybe idk
Q = Quality Time (how do they like to spend time with you?)
he loves it, he lives for it, it might be a little difficult to spend time together since his schedule is all messy but during school time or keeping him company while hes training is something he likes
he might be pent up and a little angry during some training sessions, and MIGHT say something mean without paying attention
if you get angry at him for it, he would just not notice and brush it off (during the moment) but would realize what he did and apologize when hes calmed down
this is a more personal hc but if you continue to ignore him and do NOT wanna speak to him bc umm why are you taking your anger out on ME??? he would have to corner you and beg for you to stop ignoring him
R = Rhythm (what song reminds you of them?)
if you write songs and sing etc, obviously your songs since they have your voice in them
he mightttt make a song abt u, or just make a spotify playlist with songs that remind him of you
S = Secrets (how open are they with you?)
he’d be pretty open after awhile of being with you but miscommunication would be quite a problem regardless, especially in the beginning
he’d be a little shy of telling you too much, so when hes comfortable he would tell you most of the things he has on his mind
basically he just needs time to open up
T = Time (how long did it take you to get together?)
id be SCARED of this guy so on a personal perspective it would take me AWHILEEE to even talk to him.. + id confess over text cuz im not going thru the embarrassment
if you’re friends and you somehow find out from a few interrogations that he has smth for you, confessing wouldnt be a problem
i feel like he would also maybe confess.. im not sure, it would take him awhile tho cuz.. tsundere
anyway, i think like if you’ve been friends for awhile PROBABLYY like a year.. unless you’re bold!! if you just met like as 1st years and liked him in 2nd it purely depends on how good your relationship is
U = Upset (how do they act when you’re upset?)
this totally depends on the type of upset person you are, so if youre more like “angry do not talk to me i hate you get away” type of upset, but still want him to relentlessly chase after you for forgiveness (am i toxic..oops) he’d probably have to figure out that you’re this way, like hed think just an apology would cut it but would realize hes VERY wrong
i dont see him being the chasing after you type, but his soft spot for you would force him to since he misses you too much
if youre a more reasonably upset person, he would apologize and take you out maybe.. as i mentioned he doesnt like being a source of you being sad or angry, so hes gonna try his best
V = Vaunt (what are they proud of? Do they like to show you off?)
he’s not the showing off type, but if youre like for an example exceptionally pretty or talented at something, he’d babble and babble on about it
like how nice your hair is, how clear your skin is, how you’re practically glowing next to him, how good your grades are, how good you are at a type of sport, how organized you are.. literally anything that his little observation duty got out of you
vbs and the sekailoids are sick of him, and he gets embarrassed when confronted about how much he talks about you (he notices how much he talks about you but just cant stop)
W = Warrior (how do they feel about you fighting? Would they fight for you, beside you, etc?)
he doesn’t want you to fight for anything, like in a perspective where youre battling against something alone. he wants to be there for you and with you
he wants you to know that he’ll be there for you regardless of how different your dreams are, he wants to support you!!
in conclusion, he would fight beside you if its about your dreams, and would fight for you if its something like bullying
X = X-Ray (how well are they able to read you?)
he can’t read you fully, but he knows more than you’d think he does
ive said it like thrice LOL but this man is observant!!! he knows what you like and what you dont, your preferences and can already guess what you would choose in a store or public setting
in conclusion!!!! he can’t fully read how you feel, but he hes definitely better at it than the majority of people
Y = Yes (how would they propose to you?)
if you want it super fancy, he’d try his best to make it in a more luxurious way so it fits your taste
before proposing, it would take him a few months to fully study how you would like it, if you want it expensive or just more thoughtful
based on the person he is and the type of person he would like, he’d do it purely all with love, yes.. no 3 million diamond ring with 1000 roses on a yacht
he would also like someone who isnt too high class, so a ring is a ring, he’d do it on a place where its super pretty (example like a mountain with a breath taking view) or the beach at night!! he wants to propose in private because he doesn’t dig public exposure of something so intimate
Z = Zen (what makes them feel calm?)
whenever you two cuddle and theres some music in the backround.
he loves your presence and anytime you’re cuddling while he sleeps, hes just so comfortable and calm
he likes off-school mornings where you two had a sleepover too!! he just wakes up happy
whenever you two watch a movie under a kotatsu with some snacks!!
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A/N
this is very long!! but its also the whole fluff alphabet lol.. i dont this think is ooc tbh maybe the “begging for forgiveness” part but its probably more accurate than not
plz no steal inspo is ok with creds @finanah2024
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ankiebitez · 10 months
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Obey Me! with a goth Mc
lucifer, mammon, leviathan, satan
notes:
this was written with the like 80s trad goth style in mind so like big teased up hair, bold makeup and clothes, etc. plus some of my own experiences bc I've been into alternative stuff since i was a kid and i live in the south so
i don't think there's anything gender specific in here but i mean. this is mostly just self indulgent and i am a guy so idk if i should put gn or male reader but ehhh i might go back later and add some stuff specific to a male/masc reader bc there's like crumbs of male mc content
im gonna try to do the other brothers and side characters too if i can but i just felt like posting these for now bc i need some time to think of stuff for the others
Lucifer:
probably wouldn't care much or think much of it when you first show up
i feel like he would like some kinds of goth music and it might be one of the things that helps him warm up to you
he would probably like more of the melodic types though, probably not too into the like 80s synth type stuff
anyone that makes fun of you for how you dress and look is gone immediately. no questions asked, they're just gone.
if he's close to you he might let you try doing his makeup and hair ONCE with enough begging, but will immediately wash it off and say to never do it again. (even though he secretly liked it)
i could see him listening to rosetta stone and christian death probably
mammon:
probably got scared the first time he saw you if you do like extreme makeup and everything
"lucifer are you sure that's a human?"
wont say anything to you about it though
after he warms up to you (like within 10 minutes) he loves it though
i feel like he'd be okay with some goth/80s music but wouldn't pay it much mind to have favorite artists, would probably like a good few songs separately though
would let you try to do his makeup and hair whenever you want, would complain about it but wouldn't mean it and would blush the entire time you do his makeup
wouldn't mind doing goth related stuff with you as long as it's not too scary
finding, altering, dyeing, or styling clothes? he'll totally help
going looking for records? he'll go with you
going to goth clubs? he'll totally go with you and he'll probably have a good time
if you want him to watch horror movies or something though, he'll do it but you're gonna have to hold him probably
would probably say the "damn i want a goth gf/bf" thing to attempt to flirt with you unironically
is like ur guard dog anyone that makes fun of you is getting chased down the halls of rad
leviathan:
probably wouldn't care much when you show up
would probably still consider you a normie and would be surprised if you told him goth people get made fun by other people in the human world
would defend you from anyone that makes fun of you or tries to, he's summoning lotan
thinking about when a alternative creator i like said something about solidarity between alternative people and people that are into anime stuff and then said in the 2000s when she was 14 someone made fun of the dude she was dating for liking anime and she "defended his honor" by beating the shit out of him THATS YALL
admires you for dressing how you do and asks you how you have the confidence for it
i could see him listening to some goth stuff but opposite to lucifer he likes more of the goth synth type stuff
would listen to like softcell (not sure if they're considered goth but i like them and i feel like he would so-) or she wants revenge
satan:
oh he's in love
has read about the human world goth subculture before and knows a lot about it but he definitely wants to talk to you and ask you about it personally
if you like reading gothic literature he's IN LOVE he would love to read it with you
would like more of the classic and melodic kinds of goth music
he probably wouldn't mind going to a goth club with you every once in a while
would be fine watching horror movies and stuff with you
he would 10000000% do the gomez and morticia arm kisses thing
he might let you try doing his hair and makeup every once in a while, wish he had longer hair and he'd remind me of sean brennan in the 80s when he had the long blonde teased up hair
i could see him listening to rosetta stone and london after midnight
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Here at i-am-an-arson-enthusiast, we i am dedicated to bringing you top quality content such as but not limited to: gay things, cats, and even live arson that you don't even have to tune into!!
hi this is my intro post :D
basic questions that i love answering
“hey what should i call you” good question. i dont really care, most of my mutuals call me arson. thats cool. bc i love arson. (clearly) but you can call me really whatever. planet names are dope as shit, but only @marcysbear gets to call me neptune. also enthu is off limits, only @terrifying-acceptance gets to call me that.
for the record: if you call me either of those names and are not either of them, that is crossing a genuine boundary of mine. you ARE NOT allowed to call me those names if you are not the designated person for that.
“ur gay” woah really i didnt know that ur like the first person ever to notice that!! (no ur not, ive known that for years)
“what type of gay” yes. the easiest way to explain it is bisexual. that being said: i use bisexual surprizingly little. i call myself lesbian and gay all the time (as in wlw and mlm).i’m polyamorous and arospec. month three of my identity crisis: uh i think the term arospec works well bc idk where the fuck i am on it but i’m definetly on this spectrum! grayromantic also works i think.
“gender????” im genderfluid. which explains the pronoun changes. im also trans, nb, genderqueer, and any of the genders and terms i need to articulate what the silly lil dudes in my head make me feel.
AUDHD :D explains why i am obsessed with space (going back to names planet names are cool and epic btw)
“do u horny post on main???” i reblog horny posts to my main but i dont normally do the original horny posting. tell me if i need to tw that btw :3
my cool and epic tags
i try to consistanly use them but sometimes i dont. sorry.
woah i’m using queue - i’m actually queuing a post for once instead of spam reblogging (which i mostly do sorry not sorry)
woah a real text post - me positing an actual text post for once but it’s becoming more common
cool ass art - art that i reblog (it’s all cool)
arson does half way decent art sometimes - my art. art i made. yea
the beloved - my beautiful beautiful queer platonic partner @terrifying-acceptance who i tag in a lot of shit :]
i will keep adding more as i remember them and make them so yea :D also i try to tag for things but i often dont add tw or cw because. idk. just havent ever done that. if you need me too you can tell me in any form and ill try my gaddamn hardest to add them. feel free to *kindly* remind me if i forgot. (as in no verbal abuse ya know. if ur scared ur probably fine)
the last section that is mostly important for followers :]
if u wanna follow me it’d be cool if you have a banner and pfp but as long as ur like not a bot ur good.
feel free to ask questions :) this is the point at which i tell you that i love getting asks and dms. my dms are always open unless i am dead. (current status: alive at very least.) also i am in school so you are practically guaranteed to get a response not immediately. give me 12-24 hours to respond before being offended. after that it’s fair game.
I genuinely do not care and give no fucks about what you believe and how you live your life as long as you dont hurt yourself or others, you are not offended by me being very not religious/spiritual and you do not shove it down anyones throat.
I mostly do reblogs and tag them as such half the time
lastly if you interact with this post it lets me know that you read it but i’m gonna look at your profile anyway if u follow me so you don’t have to.
thank you for reading all of that i know it’s long. your cool so here’s a cookie 🍪 also here have this
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credit to @v-4-l-0-n and @theprideful :)
(order of the banners are “exclusionists fuck off”, then this user loves being a lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, genderfluid, then non binary)
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bunnakit · 6 months
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Not Me Episode 6 Music
so i'm probably not going to get totally caught up today because i'm starting to get tired and i still have my real job to do, but i'll do about 2 of these a day until i get caught up again.
when White and Sean are arguing about boundaries we see another appearance from Safeguard by Charles Holme - this could be a nod to White wanting to safeguard his friends.
Only Love Is Real - Todd Kessler
as White enters their room to find Sean sprawled on the bed this song kicks in. i'd post the lyrics but i don't know if they really have much relevance here (but it is a beautiful song)
Break Me (Kevin Faltin Remix) - Wholm, Michael Shynes, Kevin Faltin
OUGHGHGHGH. so like, for my taste in music this isn't my fave BUT the song is so good for the mood. this comes in after their big talk, Sean's in his cups and White starts getting ready for bed.
One more wine and one more whiskey We just kept the car in park And dimmed the headlights so we see the stars Let em tell us where we should start And I'm scared as hell Because there's no way to know how this goes But I can't help but say I promise to give you my all But it might break me (Break Me)
i really think this is where the boys start having some serious feelings for one another - whether they recognize they're romantic or otherwise i can't really say, and i think this is where they're beginning to trust and lean on each other a little more. the lyrics of this song are just chef's kiss. neither of them knows how this is going to go, how it might hurt them, and they're both just scared young adults trying their best.
Live Long and Prosper - Bonn Fields
as Sean argues with the police in his memories this plays. it's a haunting tune that really captures so much of what this scene is.
This is My Love - Daniel Pratt
oh holy shit. i had always wondered where this song plays and now that i know i am changed. i can never not know. oh it hurts, it's so good, it's so brilliant.
this song plays as Sean gives White the candy to replace the taste of the bitterant. we don't hear any of the lyrics but Sean's actions really replace the lyrics in their own way. (i'm having shrimp emotions @timetoboldlygo !!!) {i do think this might be a religious song btw, but we can ignore that part of the song bc i said so}
Tender and kind, built over time This is my love for you Steady and pure, patient and sure This is my love for you
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW SEAN SHOWS LOVE!! HE CARES AND HE'S KIND AND TENDER AND -- OH I'M NOT OKAY, SEAN IS SHOWING HIS LOVE
when Sean and White are arguing and Sean asks White to give him some encouragement we get another appearance from Flares by Life in Colour
Dylan Thomas/Bitter Bitter - The Duke of Norfolk
i'm coming UNGLUED IN THE SERVER. this song plays as Gram confesses to Yok that he has felt love. "You're always with Black. You don't have time for anyone else."
Heavy the rain doth pour and heavy the tongue. The light does miss the forested face. Bitter, bitter the pendulum swung Bitter, bitter the pendulum swung Open the sky for me and cut out the heart the fruit does spoil the children’s laughter Bitter, bitter the blackest of arts ‘Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright’ the sun does try despite the shadow Bitter, bitter ‘the dying of the light’ Bitter, bitter the dagger in the fight
oh i'm peeling apart at my seams. like, yes, sure, this could apply to Gram's feelings for Eugene but for it to be playing when Yok mentions Black???
the sun does try despite the shadow Bitter, bitter ‘the dying of the light’
is.. is Gram the sun? he tries despite the fact that the shadow (Black) never looks at him? he's bitter because the light, his feelings, are dying in his chest? hmm?? MAYHAPS? (im probably just seeing what i want to see but FUCK YOU FOR MAKING THIS SONG PLAY its one of my favorites)
Chaos at the Spaceship - Out of Flux
the perfect song title for the iconic scene of Yok brandishing the flares. that moment is really just one of the moments of all time in this show, an absolute favorite, and absolutely pure chaos.
I'll Understand - Roza
one of the best choices lyric wise in this entire show, in my opinion. as Sean is choking White and walks away from him (in the next episode) this song plays with it's apt lyrics.
The end of the world at the palm of my hand When it all goes to hell, will you still be my friend? My face to the sea and my back to the land If you can’t come with me I’ll understand
the pain is unending and forever. i don't think i need to even say anything about how these lyrics tie in with the scene, it's pretty clear. OUCH.
alright thats all i have in me for tonight but i love you and im smooching you all
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transgender-png · 3 months
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sometimes having adhd sucks bc i find something that makes me happy and it makes me SO happy it's all i can think about and i wanna talk about it to my friends and everyone i meet because i love it so much and it makes me so happy!! but sometimes (most times, in my case) it's not something the others in my life really care about. and sure, maybe they like seeing me so happy, but they aren't happy from the thing like i am. they don't really wanna hear about it. and i think about that almost as much as i think about the thing making me happy. to enjoy something so much, and to so desperately want to share the joy it brings me, but knowing others really don't give a shit about it. or even just the fear that they don't care about it. i want to share this joy i have, but i don't, because rsd is a bitch and im so scared to annoy people or worse, make them mad or not want to talk to me, because all i want to talk about is my current hyperfixation. it's like being the weird kid in elementary school that liked the obscure toy or "cringey" tv show. wanting nothing more than to connect with others over this thing that makes you happy, but feeling their stares, hearing their whispers, knowing that they don't like it like you do.
im definitely probably not wording this very well. but it's a little heartbreaking. having something that brings you so much joy, but not having anyone to share that joy with. it's almost easier to just not have the thing at all.
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Hey, I was wondering if you could do a match-up for Harry Potter! Specifically the Marauders Era.
Female, She/They, Pansexual
Plus size!, but more thighs (and boobs) than anything, dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, i have glasses,
My personality is loving, patient, (surprisingly) smart and good at classes, but that's probably bc I'm determined and work hard- I can be really sassy though, nurturing, I have to stick to a semi strict schedule, forgiving, and I guess caring, also im an ambivert!! (I just kinda looked up personality traits and went with what I thought fit me. Bear with me.)
Likes: Reading, writing, SWEATERS, school, candles, blankets, sour candy, chocolate, sunflowers, sunsets, the moon
Dislikes: When my schedule gets completely destroyed, sudden and really big change, people who chew with their mouth open, feeling really embarrassed and like everyone is judging me, olives,
Extra fun facts: I have chronic headaches, bad knee problems in my right knee 😍, if I have an assignment I will always do way too much for it
Hope that's okay and you're okay with doing this, and I hope i did it right!!! Sorry for any spelling mistakes :)
Annos, please never apologize for spelling errors, lol. I don't know if you've read my posts, but I can not spell either. I am incredibly reliant on Grammarly, and my partner makes fun of me for it regularly.
Also, does anyone else pretend/feel like that lady from Mulan when they do these matchups? No, just me. Aight, I'll be in the corner now.
~~~~~MATCH UP~~~~~
Annon, I must match you with the sweetest boy of the tricksters.
Remus Lupin
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~~Headcanons~~
This man would bake you and buy you the best chocolates. He will curb your sweet tooth like no tomorrow.
He respects a girl who is not afraid to be herself, and if anyone tries to put you down and make you get in your head, he's not scared to be a big bad wolf ( see what I did there )
He loves it when you can put up with his three headaches. Wait, he means friends.
He would want to study with you all the time, so much so that James, Sirius, and Peter complain about missing their friend.
MANS WOULD WEAR MATCHING SWEATERS PROVE ME WRONG
Remus strikes me as the guy who will get you flowers just because, so expect to be showered with your favorites. However, he always forgets that he should buy you flowers on a holiday.
Though he is afraid of the full moon, watching the skies with you any other time has become an enjoyable pastime, especially to see you light up.
When he has to hide away for the full moon, he makes you a goodie basket to 'remember' him by till he comes back.
If you are ever feeling unwell or hurt, he will carry you up to his dorm and make you comfy in his bed. He will get you all the fixings to cure your ailments. I'm talking hot water bottles, heavy blankets, blackout curtains, water, pain medicine, and, of course, cuddles.
~~~~~Blurb~~~~~
You sat in the library waiting for Remus to arrive for your study date. As you finished your potion essay for him to look over, an exhausted, panting Sirius appeared before you. You looked up at him, amused, "Y/N, I am telling you we need him for Quidditch. Please, please, tell him to skip Hogsmeade this weekend." As Sirius was begging, he got down on his knees.
Around the corner soon came James looking almost as exhausted as the other boy in front of you. You chuckle into your hand, knowing that the Librarian will soon grow tired of the Maurder's antics. "Boys, you know he is his own person, right? What makes you think I have any say." You looked at the boys innocently. With a scoff, Sirius stood, wrapping his arm around James' shoulder. "Y/N, the man is so in love with you that he talks to you in his dreams. Of course, he will listen to you."
Before you could open your mouth again, James and Sirius were on the floor, this time due to a perfectly timed nudge to the back of their knees. Remus looked up at you and smiled softly, "Hi, my sweet. I brought you some treats." Placing down your candy, which he knew you favored, he sat across from you, ready to study.
James popped up from the floor, "Look, Y/N, he's even wearing a matching jumper with you! We have asked to match as a group of friends for ages. You can't tell me this man isn't whipped." You laughed at the remark, watching Remus nudge the back of James' knee again, causing him to collapse.
~~~~~EXTRA~~~~~
(You are looking up at the stars with the whole friend group. Your head is placed in Remus' lap. Peter is asleep lounging on the grass. Sirius, James, and Lily are all leaning back, looking at the stars.)
Y/N: Do you think that when the first people watched the stars, they thought they were crazy when they started moving each night.
Sirius: Wait, do the stars move each night?
James: I thought it was the moon that moved.
Lily: Sometimes it amazes me how you two breathe on your own.
Remus: (rubbing his temples, feeling the headache coming on) I'm glad someone else said it.
I hope you enjoy!!
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mrfoox · 1 year
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People showing interest and consistent interest in me always makes me worried... Wish my mind wasn't this way
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(Long vent that may mot be ordered right or make sense bc im tired rn)
I’m so fucking done with this life tbh. Like from the bottom of my heart. I wish i can kill myself but im too scared. Thats that damn problem though, im still forcing myself to suffer because im a coward, i cant even make ip my mind to end it. I cant get therapy, or any type of medication because my parents dont care enough to notice even tho my symptoms are very bad. and even when i become an adult, id probably not be able to. I have no dreams for the future, i have no money, nothing. ill probably have to live with them for way longer. And im still not going to be able to kms ofc, im going to live very long and THATS THE PROBLEM. I cant fucking tell snyone irl about my mental issues because im too ashamed. In fact, im so fucking embarrassed that i fake a personality everyday to make myself as perfect as possible. Everyone thinks im really nice, kind, and patient. When in fact im really a fucking shitty person who just pretends to be cool and shit. All because im too fucking embarrassed to admit im mentally ill. How could anyone like me for who i actually am?? Hell, I cant even admit im autistic, even though its nothing to be ashamed of. I just know my parents will laugh at me and id rather die than hear it from them
Im at my fucking limits everyday, and im tired all the time even if notbing even happened. I have anxiety attacks weekly for no reason at all, and no one knows. I hate being this good at masking.
I cry in my room all the time, and sometimes i have to force myself to let it out because im so numb. I hate it when im breaking down and my parents are in the kitchen laughing and enjoying themsleves like its just another day.
I feel so apathetic and nihlisitic. I have felt lonely my entire life because i cant relate to anyone. I know people only like the person they see on the surface, not the person i am inside
Ive told many people online about my issues, and i dont know if its not helping much or im too numb to feel any good emotions. But either way, ive realised that it might hurt me too. Im just normalising living this way more because im able to vent to people without actually getting any professional help. And this is just one out of the billions of unhealthy coping mechanisms i have. But i have no other choice. I need to cope somehow because i cant get treatment, and if these mechanisms dont work, i need to try harder and make myself more ill. Its not like i can be fixed anymore, so oh fucking well.
yesterday, my parents confronted me abt how i always looked tired, they asked me if i was being bullied at school. That pissed me off. Why?? Have they ever took the time to realise they maybe theyre the ones causing it?? No, i am not being bullied, and the only reason for that is my good masking skills. Do i need to get bullied to be ill enough? Am i still not bad enough for you to care??
-🌟
.
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TRANS SANJI RAMBLE!!
I am an enjoyer of headcanons and WILL and HAVE headcanoned the straw hats and other characters with different/conflicting headcanons bc you wanna know why?? I can make different universes and versions of them bc DAMN a lot of these headcanons are hella good
Though I will say, as an enjoyer of headcanons, I am in a drought of transmasc Sanji stuff <\3 I DUNNO IF IM LOOKING IN THE WRONG PLACES OR NOT qwq
+before anyone says, I adore transfem Sanji w all my heart and I am glad she gets the representation bc WOW a lot of people are clever w the stuff they come up will, I really do love it and a lot of you even think of things I would’ve never thought about !! ^o^ jus a little bummed out there’s not as much transmasc Sanji content bc as soon as I saw him on screen I was like “the radar is going off”
ps if you read this far, transmasc Sanji headcanons (hear me out, most likely ooc) (also zosan)
I have been thinking about them SOOO MUCH tbh.. Sanji doesn’t feel 100% while cooking because of cramps?? You bet Zoro will notice and try and help out best he can in the kitchen despite how many times he would get kicked and/or yelled at..
sparring?? Sanji feel miserable and always thinks Zoro is going easy on him so he accidentally blurts it out one time while they are going at it and Zoro is just like “No lmao??” And might reveal smth about Kuina.. and then Sanji cries about it because even in smth like sparring he’s seen as equal to him
I think during WCI (I have not.. watched it yet teehee) while Sanji sees his brothers + sister again they’re all like “what the fuck happened to you” and Sanji is all high guarded about it but says he’s trans and he’s a guy now and they’re all like “oh ok, anyway-“ and it goes on like normal but they respect him (please pleaseeee)
Sanji while he’s with Zeff,, ofc Zeff is like “well now I got an 8-9 year old daughter to take care of” and Sanji doesn’t mind at first because he doesn’t exactly know what he’s feeling but he knows that being called “daughter” doesn’t feel right. I feel like he would discover later on what being trans meant from a frequent customer and he’s all happy because!! Wow he found out!! What best describes him!! And the next time he talks to Zeff he’s all like “so you know that regular we get through the door?” And then tells Zeff and Zeff is all like “well then, I’m happy either way for you, do you want your hair cut or different clothes?”
Running with ideas,, Sanji would probably be scared of taking testosterone/one piece equivalent because of the needles if they didn’t have a gel form. Which is why awhile after chopper joins he asks the little reindeer about it..
I also have a feeling Sanji would be afraid of surgery?? He wants to get top surgery but the idea is SO scary to him,, so he ops for binding,,
Mainly Zoro but also the crew has to remind him to not bind for too long since he can get caught up in cooking, Zoro will ALWAYS ask him to take whatever he binds with off before they spar/fight not wanting to let the cook hurt himself
this is it this is the post (I’m so mentally I’ll)
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YOU. YOU. i've been wanting to send this ask for ages but even though i DID see it, i straight up deleted my tumblr blog about two weeks before you made that gsa poster (which i actively want to hang on my wall) and i am slamming my fists against the bathroom sink. because i waited this long to come back and i NEED to talk about this symbolism.
i want to say everyone's eyes being closed except for mk has something to do with metaphorical blindness but DAMNIT i don't know any of your gsa lore. i also cant place why everyone except mk is reaching for stars but i imagine by now it has something to do with mk being an outlier from the rest of them in some way because his positioning is just so distinct from the others when we combine these two elements. also. arthur is up to something and i am like 70% sure that cape has something to do with galacta knight because "purple feathers" is too hyper-specific of a thing to include just because. as the world's biggest arthur liker i could hypothesize about this all day but i know i'd probably be wrong so for now i am just Scared because the combination of the feathers and the expression is giving me lots of vibes and im not sure how to feel about them. you objectively draw dragato's ponytail better than basically everyone /j. send ask.
SUCH AN ENTHUIASTIC RESPONSE TO MY ART MADE ME SOOOO HAPPY, FIRST OF ALL!!!! Auuuughhh this ask made my day bc i didnt think anyone cared about the GSA symbolism LMAOOOO The way you have read into the poses ESPECIALLY the closed eyes and reaching for the stars... Meta Knight was a extremely intenional outlier. He is the only one with his eyes open, he isnt reaching for the stars, because he wears the stars on his sleve and has stars in his eyes; he needs his hands to hold his sword, and whereas the others are floating dreamily, Meta takes a solid stance. He is a very intentional outlier indeed. Not to mention his opposing placement from Sir Arthur. Whom you have made some verrrrry interesting observations about :) Does the four point star on his helm and the light purple cape of feathers mean anything? :) Whos to say really, but you can trust your beloved GSA leader to fight for you. If you fight for him. He is the second most grounded character as far as posing goes, Yet he still has the dream-like quality to his movements. He is reaching for a star and yet he also wears the stars like he wears his feathered cape. Is he actually asleep like the rest of the GSA? Why would he be faking it? Fun fact! Originally the caption was going to be something along the lines of "Star Warriors dream with our eyes closed". Also i listened to This Song often while drawing this.
This is a side note, but by chance were you the person who sent a request months and months ago to see the rest of my GSA designs? The ask dissapeared but the request was filled :D months later :D
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smileymoth · 2 months
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Im being mentally ill sorry chat
I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i
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