#Lopez is a fucking robot so do what you will with that

[mommadice]

Happy pride month from these fuckin’ rainbow nerds

#sarge is aro/ace #Wash is def gay and on the ace spectrum #Carolina’s straight-turned-lesbian by chorus #Kai is bisexual duh #Tex is bisexual asf #Church emotionally leans more towards men #Tucker panicked over his sexuality for a while then realized all people are cool #Grif is basically Simmons-sexual bc he knows he likes men BUT #Simmons is the only man he’s ever felt for #emotionally AND physically #Lopez is a fucking robot so do what you will with that #rvb #red vs blue #rvb fanart #rvb tucker #rvb church #my art #rvb grif #rvb simmons #rvb donut #pride 2022 #donut goes by he/they you can’t convince me otherwise #Grif: he/they #Simmons: he/him #Kai: she/they #Tex: she/her #church: he/him #Tucker: he/him but he thinks about They sometimes #Sarge: he/him #Carolina: she/her

[biggiedraws]

fuck it. rvb soul eater au

context on soul eater for those who havent seen it: some people can turn into a weapon. they get paired off with meisters (ppl who wield the weapons) based on soul compatibility. if two people are incompatible or out of sync, theyre unable to fight together - their bodies will physically reject it and they can even get injured by trying. so weapon/meister duos are always very deep and trusting (and often ambiguously romantic) relationships. and then they fight monsters or whatever the rest isnt important

im starting with blood gulch, as usual. although..... freelancer has interesting implications...... okay but reds and blues first

grif and simmons - grif is the weapon (maybe a rocket launcher?) because you know his ass is not running around fighting. this works great with simmons' need for control. 10/10 no notes

church and tucker - i think church would naturally be the weapon here but im thinking about how this applies to tucker and wash down the line..... i kinda had it in my head that the freelancers would be meisters and the ais their weapons, which would make weapon!tucker pair well with meister!wash after church dies, but if i disregard that. weapon!wash could be really really interesting.... i dont really have a plot in mind so i also dont know how epsilon fits into this but hes also here. idk ill think about it. anyway obvious weapon choices for this duo would be a sword or a sniper rifle. (i do think its really funny to make tucker the sniper rifle that church cant aim for shit. oh you wanted the sniper rifle so bad? now you are one and your meister gets no kills with it <3)

sarge and lopez - this one has hilarious implications. is lopez still a robot? is he just a regular ass shotgun that sarge built and insists on using instead of pairing with a person? is he a robot that can turn into a weapon? does he still speak spanish? if he is a robot, does he have a soul???? do he and sarge resonate the way weapon/meister duos usually do???? honestly this is hilarious no matter what, but im leaning toward hes a humanoid robot that can turn into a shotgun. sarge built him and lopez hates him for it but he was programmed to be compatible so they resonate just fine. dont think about the implications of a robot having a soul okay shhhhh its fine

if robots are on the table then you know we gotta do caboose and sheila - is sheila also a robot? i think it works either way. shes definitely the weapon though - something with a lot of firepower. truly i think shes the only one who can balance out caboose in a combat setting and even then they still get church killed. incredible

donut and doc - this one is interesting with doc being canonically a pacifist. maybe hes still primarily a medic but he keeps a weapon on him just in case? and then omalley makes good use of it >:D donuts really just along for the ride. i dont have specific weapon ideas - i know doc tends to favour the rocket launcher and donut is good with grenades, but also. insert joke about crossing swords. anyway no matter what weapon he is, donuts weapon form is pink

(also i want you guys to know that i almost did pastrytrain as a duo and left doc out for the crimes of being a pacifist. i still think it could work, but donut and caboose dont really interact that much compared to caboose and sheila, and also i wanted to keep the teams separate. you understand)

tex and kai - honestly this is a GREAT duo imo. i know the only time they interact in canon is some catty bullshit but its not their fault they were written by misogynists, and honestly they have some really good black star/tsubaki duality going for them. i think tex would be the meister, and kai would be maybe a melee weapon? oooh could do both of the grif siblings as knives..... knife simmons...... anyway tex and kai really good duo. easily the best out of all the blood gulch crew

and then the freelancers would be...... actually remarkably similar to how the freelancer/ai relationships work in canon! although if you swap around whos weapon and meister (as opposed to the ais all being weapons) you could certainly shake things up. also kind of interesting bc theres a lot of partner swapping in freelancer, which doesnt seem to happen much in soul eater. a testament to the poor conditions at pfl perhaps......

anyway i dont really have ideas for a full-fledged au, but its certainly fun to play with - the soul eater designs are already fun and then bringing in the rvb colour coding...... giving them fun dramatic weapon designs...... plus the whole soul resonance thing adds a layer to the relationships that i think would make for some delicious character interactions. force these mfs to communicate with each other lmfao

#soul eater is probably the best setting for putting other characters in btw its so fun #like both aesthetically and in terms of what it does to character relationships. top tier au #anyway maybe ill draw this someday 🤔 #rvb #red vs blue #soul eater

[banamine-bananime]

reds and blues as employees on a dairy because it brings me joy

red team all work in the dairy and blue team work in the calf ranch and heifer barn. they hate each other because the reds will blame absolutely any problems on blue team fucking up their replacement heifers and blue team will blame any and all calf illness on the maternity pen. 42 day old calf breaking with diarrhea that is abos-fucking-lutely obviously coccidia? nah that's obviously because of poor colostrum hygiene, and even if it isn't, it's because reds're somehow fucking up the colostrum protocols - yes sarge we know the serum total proteins on new calves SEEM to show good passive transfer but we just KNOW there's something going on in that pen because you idiots cannot be trusted not to, like, start dipping navels with strawberry-flavoured vodka or something

carolina is 50/50 owner with church after inheriting it from their father. it was a couple hundred cow tie-stall barn used for research - both dr. church's own research and renting to other researchers. when he retired they decided they wanted to start nearly fresh, hopping markets from research to commercial production, expanding and converting to a much larger free-stall (they're around 900 head now) and robot milkers, and greatly expanding and upgrading the youngstock facilities to keep up with the replacement heifer need of the larger herd. it was a rough first few years, especially with *ahem* the quality of labour they were able to hire, but they figured it out and things are going shockingly well now

reds:

carolina: counts as red for these purposes because she's the manager of the dairy. she has a very love/hate relationship with management because god does she like getting to do things Her Way and research and analyze and work to make them perfect and tell people exactly what to do, but unfortunately, people. People are absolute pests and will not just do what you tell them because you said so, and learning this has been IMMENSELY frustrating for her, but she's gradually learning people skills and that respecting your employees, hearing them out and actually explaining Why you want things a certain way, will get you sooooo much farther. She also hates how much time she has to spend behind a desk and will take absolutely any excuse to strap on some coveralls and help with breeding or drying off or covering silage or really anything physical. thank god, because she is an absolute machine and will sprint in her steel-toe rubber boots and coveralls with the giant fucking heavy-ass tarp up the pile all on her own. she would not be on her own if she slowed down to a normal human speed, but there is absolutely no way she's gonna do that.

sarge: head herdsman and cannot be convinced not to spend an ungodly amount of time at work. worked on then owned a teeny family dairy his whole life until it was not economically feasible and had to sell a few years ago, coincidentally right when church and carolina were doing their overhaul and looking for someone experienced they could trust to deal with all the inexperienced chucklefucks they were able to hire. It seemed like the perfect serendipitous coincidence, until they realized they hated each other and sarge has... some Interesting beliefs and methods that he absolutely cannot be persuaded out of. getting him to stop putting red kote on EVERYTHING was carolina's greatest Sarge Achievement. he's also the hoof-trimmer alongside lopez and getting sarge to, for the love of god, stop putting wraps on every therapeutic trim SERIOUSLY NO ONE CAN SEE THEM AS SOON AS THEY GET DIRTY AND THEY'RE JUST STAYING ON WAY TOO LONG AND MAKING THINGS WORSE SARGE PLEASE GOD is her white whale. he does most of the repairs on vehicles and equipment and she has to beat him off with a stick from making very-not-OSHA-approved "improvements". nevertheless, over the years they've grown an incredibly weird friendship that absolutely terrifies and deeply confuses church

grif: does the ration mixing and drives the ration truck and feed pushup and alley scraper, and, most importantly, the skid steer. other people can (and do, on days he's not working) step in for the other things, but the skid steer? carolina has OUTLAWED anyone but grif from driving it after donut had an oopsy daisy and completely fucked up a water line (she was sooooooo mad they had one HELL of a frosty meeting. she is very careful to Not Yell because she knows that is a Bad Manager thing to do but carolina has no ability whatsoever to disguise how mad she is, like in her face and body language, and and does not realize it or how terrified people are of her LMAO). he would actually be a really shitty feeder without simmons neurotically messaging him where he's supposed to be every 15 minutes in the morning because feeding would NOT be on schedule and he might even forget a pen tbh (this is very bad. think of a lactating dairy cow as an elite ultrarunner who is in a constant fight between her limited capacity to take in food and her absurd energy expenditure. any disruption restricting feed intake is the root of pretty much all evil for lactating cows). between the two of them they make one functional person. because why not establish deep co-dependency with your co-worker for no reason <3

simmons: kinda jack-of-all-trades herdsman. huge snitch to carolina or sarge whenever people are slacking or fuck up, which she appreciates because usually it's really hard to have eyes on the ground to see whether the protocols you put so much effort into perfecting are actually being followed, and what you need to do that make them easier to follow/people want to follow. it's much easier when you have an obsessive suck-up, thankfully. when she saw him looking over her 1000 spreadsheets and reports and making his own, reorganized-for-maximum-efficiency versions for fun she realized, holy shit, this is my out from some of the most tedious, mindless, repetitive administrative management work, THANK YOU GOD. she only trusts him with stuff that does not involve making decisions and she still briefly checks over his work, of course, but oh my god, he is SO thrilled and smug to have Responsibility and to be Entrusted with anything even remotely management-y. also does a lot of routine preventative maintenance on equipment because sarge isn't as interested in maintaining things as making new, better (/more terrifying) ones, and no one else is so anal about maintenance schedules.

donut: main breeder and maternity pen herdsman. good lord, the fisting jokes. no one knows if they're on purpose. boy howdy is that boy good with an ai gun, though! so they all just have to endure some of the most awkward turns of phrase they've ever heard. he cries dramatically every time there's a stillbirth or a weak neonate that dies, and then immediately is like okay i'm normal now! (he is never normal.) has an EXCELLENT appreciation for the importance of LUBE, MORE LUBE ("NO I MEAN IT MISTER THAT POOR GIRL DESERVES BETTER FROM YOU!! I WANT YOUR ARM DRIPPING") whenever checking labour progress and especially in dystocias, and does not tolerate anyone helping not treating his gals with the utmost tenderness and respect. also deeply fucking weird and LOVES finding bovimanes or abortuses because eeeeeewwwwww so weird so cool doc look!! look at it hehehe YUCK!!!!

lopez: professional hoof-trimmer who comes in biweekly. hates working with sarge SO much. blasts regional mexican music as loud as he can by the chute so he doesn't have to hear him.

doc: obviously the hospital herdsman. god bless him, he tries, but he is so susceptible to "oh i heard from bob down the road that oregano oil and yeast will prevent subclinical ketosis and you HAVE to give today [this is a popular cefapirin intramammary tube for treating mastitis, but only works on susceptible bugs, and god people are. very bad at choosing which cases to use it for and what duration to use. especially because it takes 5 days for inflammation to go down and milk to return to normal even if the infection is cured sooner] for 5 days for it to work". dr. grey is their herd vet, comes by weekly for herd check, and god, she both HATES and LOVES doc. hates because good god man, please stop all this nonsense and just!! listen to her advice!!!!! she put effort into these treatment protocols JUST LISTEN TO THEM. loves because wow, fascinating how this man's mind works, and what a CHALLENGE trying to mentally wrestle him into compliance.

blues:

church: manager of the youngstock barns. constantly bitching to carolina about a) how terrible the reds are and how they're obviously fucking up all the calves at maternity, SERIOUSLY carolina how are they supposed to work with this!! and b) how terrible and annoying the blues are, really, carolina, he means it this isn't a joke stop laughing, not a day goes by that he doesn't fantasize about firing everyone, selling, and retiring to a cabin in the middle of nowhere where he'll never have to fucking speak to anyone again. at least while alpha is fronting. epsilon doesn't need to do the performative "i hate everyone and i'm killing myself the next time caboose leaves a gate open and we have to spend an hour collecting naughty heifers" bitching quite as constantly, he's more comfortable expressing actually liking his coworkers. but he does occasionally fly off the handle and get way more actually mean than alpha, which is obviously Suboptimal for workplace toxicity, because he feels like the one in the system that has to take on everything the others can't or won't and so he internalizes all the real work-related stresses until he blows up about them. theta really really loves the calves and fronts semi-frequently when things at work are calm and they're handling the calves. they all try not to let omega front at work because JESUS CHRIST, but tbh there's a couple times in stupid petty arguments with tucker and caboose he does and it's literally just like the stupidest cheesiest gimmick villain WITH MY CALF ARMY I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND SUBJUGATE THE PUNY BIPEDS!!! tucker's like lol sure man. caboose is supportive because fuck human babies fr calves are so superior.

caboose: mostly works with the older heifers because no one gets these hormonal naughty teenage gals like him. keeps picking different favourite heifers and naming them sheila. tex works with the post-weaning girlies too and they're a dreamteam honestly. together they can and will deadlift a yearling if she gets herself stuck in a stupid spot. frequently causes gate-related chaos. tucker is starting to get suspicious he does it on purpose because he likes seeing the heifers get to go exploring.

tex: unrelated to church and carolina, but is the only one that actually worked at the farm when owned by their dad. their dad wanted her to have 1/3 ownership but she turned him down. carolina is still hurt by how much mentorship/approval he gave tex compared to his actual kids. tries not to take it out on tex but tex's general abrasiveness and her messy relationship with church don't help matters. doesn't actually work full-time at the farm anymore, has her own beef operation (texas longhorn ofc) now but still drops by to have fun with caboose and the heifers and to bother church. are they dating? exes? about to kill each other? about to elope? no one knows! she'll bring her ropes or her dartgun just to make people freak out about YOU CAN'T DART THE DAIRY COWS TEXAS (obviously she wouldn't. whether she should be darting her own cows is another question but they are wild gals and she is a wildly good shot so, hey, if it works and she knows the risks and is using them with a veterinary prescription)... but she is serious about roping the naughty heifers when they escape. she believes in the power of a good rope and bowline knot like nothing else.

tucker: works with the pre-weaning calves. in a constant battle over the calf barn radio with church and kai and is NOT above hiding it so they can't change it. always trying to get out of doing any cleaning tasks and slacking off and talks a big game about what little asshole shits the calves are but who's in there babying any pneumonia calves with extra bedding and perfecting ventilation and giving SO many oral electrolytes so gently to scours calves? who's bullying church into buying dummy nipples and making PVC pipe hay slowfeeders (well, blue team all make them together. team craft day!! mostly spent with tucker certain caboose is going to take off tucker's and/or his own fingers with the saw) for enrichment? who's paying unannounced recon visits to the maternity pen to make sure they're treating the neonates right and have all the colostrum equipment and calf pens pristine (he and donut have a weird frenemyship)? he wasn't like this until he had junior and now he can't stop thinking how he would want someone taking care of his baby to treat him... god. now he has to actually try. fucking annoying Feelings and wanting to do the right thing ugh!!

kai: oh man she loves the calves they're her CREW her GIRLS her SQUAD!! so many selfies with them. sometimes she "breaks into" (she has a key) the barn after hours with her besties (randos she met at a party) for fun. church has told her a hundred times that there are fucking CAMERAS and he's going to fire her next offense he swears to god. but he knows she at least won't let anyone fuck with the calves or the barn (and, in fact, has gotten into some spectacular fights with some of those drunk people who have tried vandalism).

#rvb #red vs blue #alexa send post

[fragmented-ghost]

My brother and I were chatting when he asked me "what do you think Franklin Delano Donut smells like?" Which led to a long conversation about the rest of Reds and Blues and what they smelled like, here's what we came up with

Donut smells like whatever Perfume or Cologne he decided to wear that day, he has a variety

Church smelled pretty bad when he had a human body, but once he was a robot he just smelled like metal (shocker)

Lopez and Tex both smell like oil or gasoline

Caboose smells like smoke, nuff said

Sarge smells like gunpowder, like overwhelming so, what the fuck

Grif smells like a mixture of BO and whatever the most pungent thing he last ate was

Simmons smells like a mixture of generic men's bodysoap and car air freshener

Tucker smells like AXE body spray ("tell me he's not the kind of guy who thinks AXE is the epitome of smells"- My brother)

Carolina smells... Normal, like whatever soaps she using at the time, she doesn't have a particular brand she stays with

Wash smells like nothing, like he's clean and hygienic but he doesn't smell like anything, no one knows how but he found soaps that make it so you don't have a scent at all ("it's to hide from the [police] dogs")

Kai bathes regularly but she probably still smells like alcohol ("and weed")

We didn't talk about Doc but if I had to make a guess he probably smells really strongly of essential oils, like really minty and shit

#mypost #rvb #red vs blue #agent washington #red versus blue #agent texas #agent carolina #leonard l church #lavernius tucker #dexter grif #dick simmons #rvb sarge #red vs blue lopez #red vs blue caboose #franklin delano donut #rvb doc #kaikaina grif

[saltsanford]

20 questions

tagged by @gaeasun - thank you friend!

How many works do you have on AO3? 36

What’s your total AO3 word count? 880,000

What fandoms do you write for? currently just star wars – can def see myself writing more cobra kai if this next season fucks

What are your top five fics by kudos? put my guns in the ground (2,726) the long road back to good (1,182) enough enough (1,143) let the river in (1,096) sleep and where to find it (758) all rvb except river. nothing will ever top guns in terms of kudos, but river is creeping up there which makes me happy bc my writing has improved a LOT since writing all the others on this list and river is by far the strongest of these five

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? YES almost always, one because I want people to know I appreciate them even if I’m just saying thank you over and over, and two because I’ve met literally all of my closest fandom friends by us acting unhinged in each others’ comments

What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? the long way down is pretty damn depressing all the way through. i wrote most of that fic with a blanket over my head (idk it made sense at the time, i was trying to Cope)

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? hmmm laughter lines was super fluffy, I love the happy “reveal” at the end of that one

Do you get hate on fics? idk if hate is really the right term, if i write something and put it out there people are free to say what they like about it but. yes lol (not SW to clarify, i mean it's absolutely possible that it's out there but i don't go looking)

Do you write smut? If so what kind? I have in the past, but not currently, and it’s not something I plan to do again but who knows

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? no, and I don’t usually read them either. not my thing

Have you ever had a fic stolen? I have had large chunks of my fics flat-out pasted into other fics before which like. come on. they took them down immediately though when i asked

Have you ever had a fic translated? never

Have you ever cowritten a fic before? YES!!! enough enough with my old friend egg <3. It was SO much fun. I have done this privately with others too and it is one of my favorite things. finding people you vibe with creatively is WONDERFUL

What’s your all-time favourite ship? still gotta give it to wash and tucker from rvb

What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? I have a pretty in-depth FMAB WIP (not posted) covering that missing moment after baschool, that has a lot written – but I doubt that’ll ever actually be completed

What are your writing strengths? dialogue. I’ve had several comments saying that if I removed the dialogue tags, they’d still know who was talking and idk if there’s a better compliment than that honestly. also just...actually writing i guess? i have a rock-solid routine that usually allows me to get in 1000 words/6 days a week.

What are your writing weaknesses? like…an actual plot. my fics are really just 300 hurt comfort tropes in a trench coat and I’m fully aware of that

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I don’t speak another language, so the most I’ve done is use the English to Spanish translator for lopez-the-robot’s lines in some rvb fic. it was bad

First fandom you wrote for? lord of the rings! I still have the notebook I carried around everywhere in 8th grade. there’s literally a comment section in the back because I would pass that shit around to all my friends to read

Favorite fic you’ve ever written? okay this might be because it’s my most recent fic but I really love we are a woven strand, find the thread. I love all my OCs, I love the lore I built up for the CMOs, I love how I threaded it all together. It feels like the most original thing I’ve ever written

if you feel like it: @secretlystephaniebrown @comefeedtherainn @calamity-aims @usaonetwothree <3 <3

#answered #i know i don't always respond to things i'm tagged in #sometimes i'm just lazy or busy #but it's fun to play when i'm in the mood so thank you! #my txt

[mobius1029]

You have seen Red Team, right?

Now introducing Blue Team and all of their non existing glory.

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(Character profiles)

(LEFT TO RIGHT)

So, Dexter Grif used to a scientist before being forced to join the military which in results of him being stuck in a box canyon. He thought being in a box canyon was a nightmare, which it is true consider being stuck with an annoying lazy cyborg, a leader who doesn't even know how to be a leader, an annoying ball of sunshine of a robot, a fellow soldier who stares into people's souls for absolutely no reason and a psychotic medic with an AI stuck inside of him. He completely hates Simmons the most for asking the important shit of life or not being able to do anything motivated. He has a strong love and hate connection with his sister but most of the time, it's full of hatred.

Richard Dick Simmons is one of the most lazy yet annoying person to deal with, plus, he's a huge dumbass when it comes to questioning. There's a chance he might ask you why are they here to what comes first, the chicken or the god damn egg. He knows how to drive a warthog but still manages to destroy it even if he drives perfectly. He also went to a all girls school on accident and basically does absolutely nothing but probably gives random girls drugs or crystal meth. He has a strong hate for Grif which ends with them fighting each other to death or shooting each other depending how high is his hate meter.

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Sarge is just a poor tired man who didn't agree on joining either the ODST or being stuck in a box canyon with people who do or like violent. He mainly has a curse mix of a British and an Australian accent, so most the time, no one knows what the hell is he even saying. He still has a fear of heights and does not want to ride on a warthog cause he never learned how to drive. He doesn't know how to use his shotgun or even reloading it and questions how are his teammates still alive when they are literally sleeping with their guns like a teddy bear. Everyone basically hates him for being a horrible leader despite him doing his best to even be one. The only friends he has are either the Red Team, O'Malley or Lopez that he built to be his first friend.

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(LEFT TO RIGHT)

Franklin Delano Donut was an agent to a military but sadly got sent to the box canyon due to having a bit of an anger issue problem. He basically doesn't like it when people prank him, knowing damn well he's just going to get the same joke over and over until he either gets pranked to the point he starts a genocide or does the prank if it involves going somewhere, just who whoever pranked him can have a good laugh. He, for some reason has a weird problem with naming colours in the most stupidest yet simplest way possible. Like, if you ask him what colour is his armour, his response is either going to be, "Does it look like I know what my armour colour is?" or just straight up "My armour colour is green." without even saying what shade of green is it. He has a habit of staring into people's souls without even realising and the longest he has ever stared into people's souls is twelve hours straight without eating. He also doesn't know how to throw a grenade but knows how to drive in stunts that can end with suicide and shoot perfectly without even looking.

Frank Dufresne or Doc is just the worst medic around consider he's a psychotic medic who literally escape an asylum and join the military. If you ever ask him why he did that, his response is always gonna be "To be honest, I don't fucking know." or even shrugging to the response. He has a huge liking to murdering people but never got the chance to, due being watch by the Reds, Sarge, Donut and Lopez most of the time. He even has the Omega AI in him who is renamed as O'Malley who is desperately trying so hard not to get Doc on a wanted poster while also acting like a literal mother to him. Doc hates using guns but his all time favourite is the rocket launcher and the spartan laser. O'Malley on the other hand knows how to use a gun but has no desire to cause he doesn't like violence at all. Instead, he rather be an actual proper medic and maybe a mother figure to everyone in Blue Team. He even feels bad for Sarge to be the most hated one on the team.

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Lopez The heavy is a robot like android who was created by Sarge to be his first friend. Of course Lopez sees Sarge as a father figure but decided to prefer him being a friend just so it could be easier for Sarge to deal with but ended up acting like Sarge's younger brother. He's very sweet and kind while also being a great therapist to him or other people around him. He likes to use anything around him to make any arts and craft he could think of, like from making flower crowns to an entire gun that always ends up exploding like a bomb. He also likes baking but then remembers he can't eat so everything he bakes ends up with Simmons or a little gift for the Reds. Also, his speech unit sort of got damaged when it was sent by command, turning him into a bilingual bot. He can switch between English or Japanese so which means he can mess with people who aren't bilingual with his Japanese voice. He's also very interested in Japanese culture too.

#digital art #art #red vs blue #rvb au #portrait #rvb red team #rvb sarge #rvb simmons #rvb grif #rvb donut #rvb doc #rvb lopez #rvb introvert

[jade-kyo]

Red vs. Blue seasons 15-17 retcon pros and cons:

Season 17

I actually like s17 a fair bit so perhaps the pros and cons of the retcon will be a bit more balanced than they were with 16!

Pros:

Alright we know the drill. No time travel bullshit.

Honestly the biggest fault of this season is being a continuation of s16. The character writing is good but even the best writing can’t fix a bad story.

I’ll be honest I’m struggling to find pros to the retcon that isn’t just restating stuff I said about s16 but yeah god like beings under guise of being AI just ain’t the vibe

No Genkins. He’s just not a very good villain to me.

Don’t care for the whole thing with Huggins parents

Again Tucker has to redo his character development. The scene with Felix is good but was completely unnecessary if s16 hadn’t fucked up Tucker so badly

I feel like Genkins and Krovos are the weak points of this season

Seriously if they were actually treated like AI and not gods this would be way better

Time travel bullshit

I know it’s actually Genkins but seeing Church impaled by a gulf club was disturbing

red team labyrinth visions could have been so much better.

Simmons vision being just another bad penis joke

Lopez Vision. I get he’s a robot and comes back but come on. Just seems in bad taste to me.

Not necessarily a pro of the retcon but still a gripe I have with the season but I think it’s a crime we didn’t get to see Caboose’s vision like come on you already waisted Simmons on comedic relief you could’ve at least given us Caboose’s

Also wish we would’ve seen more of Tucker’s vision

None of that “and the found family goes their separate ways” nonsense. I don’t care how mean they were to Donut I do not vibe with that shit.

Tho again the implications of this being Church’s simulation- Church did always like Donut best. Maybe he was trying to give the man some justice. That’s actually a really sweet thought.

Cons:

Donut. Just Donut.

Donut realizing all the unintentional dirty jokes he makes

Just Donut

Genkins telling Locus that Felix is afraid of knives and Locus just going with it

Dr. Grey

WASH AND DONUT. THAT IS ALL.

Just how much Carolina cares about Wash and that it’s Donut that helps Wash realize it!

SEEING THE FREELANCERS AGAIN

Wash being able to relate to Donut because he remembers what it was like with the freelancers

WASH SCREAMING IN HIS HELMET

Caboose understanding time travel. My bois so smart

Carolinas apology

Caboose beating the Genkins out of Church

DONUT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

PINK!!!!!

Wash and Carolina

Doc said fuck

Kai’s vision and Grif

Carolinas vision because HOLY SHIT IS THAT WHOLE SCENE SO GOOD

The emotional gut punch that is Wash

Wash’s disability

Verdict:

Okay straight up I actually really like this season. To the point that I was actually struggling to find any pros to the retcon. Honestly the biggest flaw is just that it’s dealing with s16 shitty story. If you took this character writing and applied it to a good story I would absolutely love this. So I guess you could say that in theory I’m sad to see it go? Like I’ll miss the character moments it gave us but not the overall story.

But yeah that’s my personal list of the pros and cons to this retcon. If that’s even what’s actually happening. After all these simulations are all potential futures right? So who knows they may not be completely retconned. Only time will tell at this point, we’ll know for sure once the season comes out.

Either way I’m just glad to see this series end at last and hopefully it will end in a way that we can be at peace with.

#rvb #red vs blue #jadey speaks

[correctrvbquotes]

Cut to the top of Red Base. Simmons, Grif, and Donut are lined up watching Sarge.

Sarge: Ladies, it has come to my attention that we are in need of a new robot type person. Who here wants to volunteer?

Donut: Are we going on a trip? I love trips! Can we play I Spy and license plate games?

Grif: Shut up, Donut!

Donut: Please!

Simmons: Uh, sir-

Donut: -or Punch Buggy?

Grif: Why won't this guy shut up?

Donut: Or-or alphabet with the signs game?

Simmons: What exactly do you mean by volunteer?

Sarge: Quite obviously we are without a robot or any other type of recruit with mechanical training or dexterity. Therefore, the only solution is to turn one of you into a robot and/or freaky cyborg thing.

Simmons: (at the same time as Grif) Have you gone crazy? What the hell?

Grif: (at the same time as Simmons) Wh-What!? That is the stupidest idea I ever heard.

Donut: Cool! I vote for Simmons!

Sarge: I'm told the cyborg operation is a relatively simple procedure really. (Simmons and Grif say something indecipherable) Where the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of the human body are replaced with the no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot.

Grif: (in the background) I'm confused.

Sarge: If you're lucky, you may even get a copper rectum.

Simmons: Sir, wouldn't it be better if we didn't do that, instead of doing it?

Sarge: Good thinking, Simmons. But no, I like the removing the guts thing so I think we stick with that.

Grif: Yeah, sir, I hate to agree with the kiss-ass, but wouldn't it be better if we just got Command to send us another perfectly good, brand new robot instead?

Sarge: Negative, meatsack. Another new robot could be reprogrammed by our enemies just as easily as Lopez. We need someone we know we can trust.

Camera pans from Donut and Grif to Simmons.

Simmons: Aw, fuck me!

Sarge: Or someone whose mental capacity is so unbelievably tiny that he could never be turned against us.

Everyone looks at Donut.

Donut: Hey, pink suit, guys! I think it's somebody else's turn in the barrel!

Sarge: Then again maybe we just stick with the trustworthy thing.

Fade to black.

Simmons: Ugh, you backstabbing ass monkeys.

Sarge: Now, Grif, I'll be needing some things from my medicine chest for this operation. Two quarts of vodka-

Grif: Check.

Sarge: Eight pounds of Vaseline, condensed.

Grif: Check.

Sarge: An old tire iron, preferably metric.

Grif: Y-You know, I might have left that in the bathroom.

Sarge: The latest issue of Easy Bake Oven for Kids Monthly.

Grif: I'll have to check.

Sarge: Check, you mean we have it?

Grif: Check. What no, not check, I mean I'll have to check. Look, we don't have it.

Sarge: C'mon, make sense! I don't have all day! I gotta gut this fish!

#s2 #s2e30 #sarge #donut #grif #simmons #red ensemble

[sharkface-daydreams]

rvb cooking headcanons because i love food and cooking and I know some of these people can burn water just by thinking about it (affectionate)

Blue Team:

Church (alpha): basic skills. can make easy mac and has definitely hacked together ketchup and hot sauce to make fake bbq sauce when they ran out like any frat boy worth at least half his salt. however baking mystifies him.

Tucker: almost the same boat as alpha, but I like to think he tried to learn to make a few things because of Junior. maybe some sangheili and human ‘kid’ foods like whatever their equivalent of mac and cheese is.

Caboose: the stove spontaneously combusts in self defence when he’s reaching for it. he’s very good at setting the table and pouring juice though. When left to his own devices (leftovers) he’ll do awful things like put maple syrup on his mac and cheese... and enjoy it.

Tex: makes church and tucker cook for her, not that she needs to eat, but because she likes to sit at the table or counter and heckle them about their lackluster cooking skills and watch them suffer

Kai: she could probably be good at cooking if she wanted to, but that’s a lot of effort, and why do that when you can use your good looks and charms to get stupid guys to buy you fancy dinners and champagne?

Wash: listen. I know this guy is white as fuck. I grew up with white as fuck family. I know exactly how this man cooks. It’s bland. It’s by the book. He underuses salt and sneezes every time he smells pepper. He’s capable of pasta, weird underseasoned casseroles with not enough sauce, and a select handful of crockpot recipes that are either really good, or really weird, or both.

Red Team

Sarge: he knows how to work a grill, and knows how to cook meat, eggs, and grits, and operate the fancy coffee machine he installed in Lopez, and that’s where it stops. Gets mad if you say you don’t like grits, and will make you sit and eat it until it’s gone.

Simmons: Thinks he can cook. He’s had to make his own vegan meals for a long time because no one else will actually substitute meat and animal ingredients. But that doesn’t mean he’s great. Most of his vegetable substitutions are approximations and his black bean burgers always turn out dry. He has been able to trick Grif into eating and enjoying vegan snacks, but only to turn around and laugh and tell Grif what he’s actually eating. Because the fun is in getting to see Grif’s angry face afterwards.

Grif: Knows how to cook, and cook well, but can rarely be arsed to put it to practice. One of those people who genuinely enjoys reading cookbooks. He’s pretty creative and scrappy, having had to make sure he and Kai ate alright as kids while their mom was doing whatever it was that wasn’t looking after them. Probably knows the recipes to various carnival/circus foods like funnel cake and deep-fried anything. He and Kai can spin up cotton candy into fancy shapes like nobody’s business.

Donut: Not so great at cooking, but is a whiz at baking. When he deigns to bake, the results are eagerly scooped up by Reds and Blues alike, sometimes resulting in ridiculous heists to get at them before the other team can. He cannot for the life of him make donuts, though. They always come out rough, with tiny holes that are overstuffed with glaze. Sarge seems to enjoy them, though.

Lopez: Hates the very notion of human food and digestion, and is resentful that his body houses not only Sarge’s overclocked coffee machine, but also a temperature-controlled snack storage accessed at his hiney. He has access, as a robot, to the entire internet’s worth of recipes and theoretically could cook some incredible things. But he will not. He refuses. The day he does anything nice for these assholes willingly is the day they’ll have to cart him off to the scrapyard.

Carolina: She can microwave water for tea and coffee, but has screwed up easy mac before. Has some memories of cooking with her dad at a very young age, and remembers the recipe to the dish they always had whenever Allison returned from deployment.

Asshole day at the skittle factory:

Dr. Leonard Church: Probably did most of the cooking. Allison was deployed a lot especially with the war starting. Let Lina do little things to help like stir cold things or count out ingredients for him before she was old enough to work with the stove etc.

Aiden Price: In general I can’t see this man ingesting anything except extremely fancy tea. I tried to imagine him having a burger and the fucker showed up with a fork and knife to slice it up. But if I had to consider whether he knows how to cook for himself, I think he’d put enough effort and research into it to ensure enough nutrients, and possibly would insist on cooking for himself to ensure he wasn’t being poisoned.

Agent York: Overzealous, insists he knows what he’s doing, consistently sets things on fire. Can whip up a mean cocktail though.

Connecticut: Same boat. Burns things but at least she has the cojones to admit she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Pretty good at cutting up fruit and veg for snacks though. Charcuterie/stuff plate queen.

South Dakota: hates cooking mostly because she was expected to learn as the ‘girl’ of the family. She retained the basic mechanics of cooking like meat and pasta and oiling a pan so things don’t stick, but won’t volunteer and will probably fight you if you ask her to cook. Prefers doing stuff plate nights with CT.

North Dakota: He knows how to work a coffee maker and do microwave popcorn.

Wyoming: Can bake, but will only do so to make things to eat for teatime. Everything's always more than a bit dry. He defends this by insisting it's supposed to be eaten while drinking tea to moisten it.

Florida: Average level of cooking and baking competence, but has a fondness for strange and unnerving culinary experiments he attempts to get the others to test. Most people know better than to try these horrors.

Maine: Likes meat and carbs, and generally doesn’t make anything else. Not real big on seasoning or flavor either. Better with a grill than a pan on a burner.

Iowa: Ovens fear him. They explode in self-defense when he nears.

Idaho: One of those people that reads cookbooks for fun. Has a “Recipes from the Forgotten Realms” cookbook. Isn’t always successful, but the results are usually interesting. Edible, at least.

Ohio: Stacks her PBJ sandwiches with a half inch of peanut butter. Occasionally adds bananas. The rest of the kitchen might as well be Sangheilios.

Doc: Has tried to learn how to cook via lessons and tutorials and memorize a few recipes but he usually remembers them wrong, sets the wrong temperature or time, stuff like that. Donut’s tried to tutor him but he’s just kinda hopeless. Offered to trade vegan recipes with Simmons but Simmons was like ‘nah.’ (O’Malley is only interested in making poisoned food.)

Extra Colorful Morons:

Locus: knows how to cook, finds preparing ingredients and following recipes to be relaxing. Is extremely particular about how his kitchen is arranged. Leads to a lot of arguments in red team kitchen

Felix: Felix? Cooking? Can u imagine. He knows how to microwave coffee and maybe slap a sandwich together. Either wheedles someone else (Locus) into cooking for him, or gets food pre-made from somewhere.

Sharkface: You didn’t think all that fire was just for show, did you? Fire’s a kitchen’s best friend. Spent some time job hopping after the Freelancers crushed him, some of these being dishwashing and line cook jobs, whatever was needed to pay bills. There’s something very satisfying about roasting food over an open flame grill.

Siris: Can cook some things, mostly things his wife likes and family recipes handed down. Not particularly skilled but what he cooks is made with love.

Doyle: This man screws up tea when it’s a mug of hot water and a teabag. Useless. (affectionately frustrated)

Kimball: Knows how to make a desperation stew out of snared game and local root veg. After so long in a civil war has to be reintroduced to the concept of enjoying food for flavor.

Dr. Grey: She’s one of those people who drink brightly colored drinks out of lab beakers like other people use a mug. Highly unnerving to anyone who visits her office. She knows how to cook of course, but what’s the fun of doing things by the book? Don’t eat anything she offers you. ANYTHING. Especially if she’s got that studious glint in her eyes like she’s going to document every little twitch of expression you make as you eat.

#red vs blue #rvb #fun rvb thinks #colorful friends #pls also tell me if u have hcs for them i want to hear #i havent included EVERYONE because there are so many characters but. a fair amount lol #rvb triplets #rvb mercenaries #rvb freelancers #rvb kimball #rvb doyle #rvb dr grey #red team fambly #blue team fambly

[chokemewanda]

ok i Loved what you did with my prompt!! i'd like to request wanda forcing r to take a break after watching r burn themselves out from working too hard? -rust anon

Take A Break

Wanda Maximoff x gn!reader

Masterlist

Warnings: swearing, violence, exhaustion, horny thoughts, manipulation

Wanda knows how to force you into taking a break.

“Fucking stay down.” You punctuate your words with another swing of the metal pipe in your grip and growl in frustration at the stupid robot that continues to advance. You widen your stance and then swing the pipe like a baseball bat and knock the head of the robot clean off.

“Thank you.” You say to no one but you can hear your team laughing over the com line and you roll your eyes, dropping the stupid pole.

“Rendez-vous in ten on the quinjet, rig this place to blow.” You call out to your team and get various affirmative replies.

When you all pile back into the quinjet you find Hill waiting there and you collapse into your chair and groan loudly.

“If you’re not here to tell me that we’ve earned a week off then I don’t want to hear it.” You accept a bottle of water from a team mate and you sigh when Hill only laughs, placing a file in your hand.

“I need your team in Kosovo. We’ve got a threat on the ground and we need evac and clean up. The Avengers are finishing up now.” You groaned even louder, echoed by your team. Clean up missions involved much too much liaison with civilians and paperwork.

“We haven’t even debriefed on this mission and you’re sending us in to clean up?” You asked and Maria shrugged. “I’m so sick of this job. Wouldn’t it be nice to be just something else for a change? Like work retail or something?”

“If you worked retail you’d murder civilians.” Hill laughed as you opened the file, reading up on all the disasters the Avengers had caused again.

“You’re right but you didn’t have to say it.” You sighed, tilting your head back before breathing in deeply.

“Okay Alpha Team. We’ve got a clean up job to do along with evac of the remaining citizens. Agent Jones and Agent Morris are going to be on evac to the Pejë city limits. I want Robbins and Suarez with me on media coverage and medic triage. Lopez and Green are on relocation for the displaced.”

“Aye aye Captain.” Lopez cheered and you raised your middle finger at him, passing on the brief.

“We’re running a long clean up but on the bright side Agent Hill has just promised me that the Alpha Team are out of commission for six whole days after the quinjet lands back at Avengers Tower.” The whole team cheered while Hill looked as if she’d swallowed a lemon.

“Gonna be nice to get a break.” Robbins sighed, eyes dropping slowly. “This back to back shit is tough.”

Your team was exhausted. There had barely been a day in the last month that there wasn’t a mission and it just seemed to be never ending. This has to be the worst so far, usually you got home and a few hours sleep.

You missed Wanda and you were hoping the Avengers would still be there by the time you cleared out but it wasn’t likely and you knew as much. You hadn’t had some time off with her in so long.

When you arrived on the scene it was chaos. Local police were trying to organize the displaced but people were scared and confused. No wonder, the city was in ruins. Your team spread out professionally to do their job.

Despite the fact you were all bloody and dirty from the fight before no one gave you a second glance. You all fit right in.

It takes well over twelve hours as your team works. It puts you all on well over thirty six hours in the field and each of you were fit to drop. Suarez and Robbins had fallen asleep in the corner the second the last of the injured had been triaged and the last camera stopped rolling.

Jones and Morris were leaning against each other to stay standing, having only just finished with the evacuees. Every time they blinked their eyes stayed closed longer and you were sure they were actually taking minute long naps between blinks.

Lopez and Green were still working hard arranging shelter for each registered evacuee and you had joined them when you’d finished with the media storm of what had happened.

Wanda had exploded a building. No one got hurt, the building was empty and it all would’ve been inconsequential had the building not been a monument older than Steve and Bucky combined.

She’d already sent you a text apologizing for the paper work involved. You’d read it and smiled and then frowned when you realized she had been debriefed and was probably in bed if she had gotten time to text. You were jealous.

“Good news, Hill has gotten our paperwork covered. Pile it on here, get back on the jet.” You instructed and your team began to wake slowly, dropping you the paperwork. You assured Lopez and Green that you had the last of the relocation covered and sent them off.

When your team had left base you continued to work, getting through the last of the displaced in four hours which was less than you thought it would be. In the mean time the quinjet had returned and you boarded with the mountain of paper work you had taken on for your exhausted team members.

You greeted the pilot and took a seat, opening the first of many files and beginning to fill them out. When you landed you barely glanced up from the files, heading straight to your office.

The sun was beginning to rise in New York and you made yourself a coffee quietly so as not to wake Wanda who would probably be out for several more hours. She had used a lot of energy on the mission.

You set yourself up in the office and opened the next file, your eyes blinking tiredly in an attempt to focus. You began writing again, filling in the mission reports, head nodding against your hand.

“Baby, you should come be in bed.” Wanda sighed, her hands resting on your shoulders. You jerked awake, sniffing and rubbing your eyes.

“No. I uh, ‘m fine. If I get this done now I have six days off and so does my team.” You told her and she sighed, wrapping her arms around you, her clasped hands resting over your heart.

“Why’ve you got so much?” She asked quietly, watching as you scribbled your signature six times in quick succession. Your handwriting deteriorated rapidly with each flourish of the pen.

“I took everyone else’s so they could get some rest.” You told her honestly. “We had back to back missions. I though Lopez was asleep standing up at one point.”

“The paperwork can wait.” She assured you, pressing a kiss under your ear. “You’re exhausted. You need sleep.”

“I’m okay. I just have a few more to get through.” You told her earnestly and she looked at the stack of files before shaking her head at you.

“If I wake up and you aren’t in the bed then I’m going to be mad.” She promised, kissing your cheek before straightening up. “You have an hour.”

“I’ll be there. I love you.” You called to her back as she retreated.

“I love you too.”

///

Wanda couldn’t help but shake her head when she found you an hour later. Your pen was still in your hand and you sat in the office chair fast asleep.

Your head was tilted back, your mouth wide open and you were snoring so loud she had no idea how you hadn’t woken yourself. She chuckled to herself, taking the pen from your hand and closing the file.

There was two files yet unopened and she pushed them aside, maneuvering herself between the chair and the desk. “Time to wake up.”

She shook your shoulder with her hand and you jerked awake, eyes flying open. You almost choked on your sharp intake of breath and she gave you a minute to calm down.

“Are you trying to kill me?” You asked in shock, your hand over your thundering heart. You wiped your eyes and she cupped your cheek in her hand.

“You’re doing that to yourself baby. It’s time to come to bed.” She sighed, stroking your cheek with her thumb. “Come sleep.”

“I’m almost done.” You groan and she rolled her eyes, moving so she’s straddling your lap in the office chair.

“I’m so lonely in bed by myself.” She whispered quietly in your ear. Almost automatically your hands cupped her ass, pulling her against you as she whined. “Had to take care of myself while you were gone. Missed you.”

“Wanda.” You groaned as she kissed your neck, whining in your ear. She bucked against you and whined again, as needy as she was acting you were worse. All those lonely nights she had spent You had been surrounded by your team with no way of taking care of yourself.

“Take me to bed.” She begged in your ear. “Make me yours again.”

Who were you to deny a request like that? She clambered off your lap, pulling you by the hand to the bedroom. When you got as far as the bed she pushed you down and you grinned up at her.

“Go to sleep.” She whispered and your jaw dropped.

“You’re going to work me up like that and just let me down?” You asked in shock.

“You haven’t got the energy. I think you’ll actually pass out from trying.” She laughed, climbing in next to you in her usual spot.

“But I-“ You tried but she only shushed you.

“Sleep, I’ll still be here in the morning.” She promised.

#mcu #marvel #marvel cinematic universe #wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff reader insert #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff imagine #wanda maximoff x y/n #wanda maximoff x you #rust anon

[kizzys]

Starkid Rewatch: Firebringer 🔥🦆

Aka the gayest musical ever

The opening sequence is so cool

Well guess what you privileged fucks

Molag can adopt me please

Molag kicklined so paul could kickline higher

Jemilla looks so pretty here

You are well named too - smelly balls

These are my emotional support cave wives

Ah yes the song that plays in a constant loop in my head

Those privileged fucks

[robot seething noises]

[panicked noises]

The megagirl jumped out

Fuck a duck

Jemilla: What am I supposed to do?

Zazzalil: [pops in exactly at that moment]

Foreshadowing much?

Jemilla's bi panic moment

I love that they established jemilla and zazz's signature songs right in the beginning so that when they sing each other's song while proposing, i cry

I'm your mommy now

Also welcome to the stone age has amazing music

Evey time I hear it i get a serotonin boost

Smelly balls is the level of dramatic I aspire to be

The hand touch™ 2.0

Huge slam on emberly out of nowhere holy shit

It's not dangerous. It's a wEaPoN!

Don't be mean to lauren

He's so fucking scary, we wrote a whole fucking song all a-fucking about him

The lauren lopez method of coping

So zazz and keeri have definitely fucked at some point

Ms lopez is really out there making me gayer by the minute

if you're thinking to yourself - molag. You don't know what you're talking about. Fire doesn't work like that. Then fuck you

We are at act 2 and zazz can step on me please

Chorn chorn you fucking asshole

The way the duck flies away will never not be funny

Pinting

Did I forget to draw the eyes? Oh well this one fucking sucks

Grunt is literally me trying to draw

You would part with this hideous, shit covered rock, for me?

Same grunt I can't draw feet

Ah yes, Robert's greatest role - snarl's right paw

Emberly you just shat out a fire

Clark is a god confirmed

Zazz is proposing (っ◕‿◕)っ ♥

I've got a new wife now

Jemilla was gonna propose (っ◕‿◕)っ ♥💜

They definitely made out after this i don't make the rules

I'm your mommy now

💫Babe💫

They look so pretty here

Jamie your voice 😍

Look at her gooo

Here we go they're proposing

The scene that healed me

Also can we talk about how jemilla had a ring ready? How long had she been holding on to it

I am emberly. Emberly is me

I love my cave wives leading a tribe of idiots

#starkid #firebringer #jazzalil #meredith stepien #thoughts #mine #starkid rewatch #lauren lopez #rachael soglin #jamie burns #denise donovan #lauren walker #brian holden #joey richter #tiffany williams #robert manion #clark baxtresser #jaime lyn beatty #nick lang #matt lang #joe walker #molag #jemilla #smelly balls #zazzalil #keeri #emberly #grunt #tiblyn #chorn

[clocks-are-round]

incomplete or planned fics

in no particular order

-all those grimmons snippets from months ago. no clue when i’ll return to those but rather than one multi-chapter long one i’ll probably turn them into multiple shorter fics to make it more manageable for myself

-donut & doc have a talk after season 17

-donut & locus space adventures

-simmons’ parents (mostly imogen) try to reconnect with him part 2. This time things are less painful because imogen is more on simmons’ side than his father’s and though still complicated it will be significantly fluffier. Takes place after Simmons and Grif got married.

-grif is asked who he’d fuck on iris in a game of truth or dare

-simmons is massively sleep deprived but hangs out with grif kind of (next fic i plan to finish!)

-caboose’s sisters go on a robot hunt to find lopez

-au where grif ended up with omega instead of doc and his radio breaks immediately after, leaving omega stuck with the guy too lazy to enact his plans. tex is very confused

-a fic set in @sharkface-daydreams fantasy au about Sarge and his sons and Lopez’ creation. that’s right. i’m writing fanfiction about fanfiction, bitches!

-caboose and doc hanging out during the aphrodisiac because they’re both unaffected, being sex-repulsed aces

-a story about caboose and his best friend church. i can’t really give a more specific summary. still figuring out what direction i want to take it. possibly exploring not too long after caboose’s scrambled brains. but caboose do be crushing on alpha

-possibly a short fic of kai wearing a ball gag at tucker’s wedding because he told her to keep her language PG since some of his chorus kids would be there and she thought that would be the best way to censor herself. she would not take it off and had to be chased and held down to get it off. tucker was not amused but juliana was laughing her ass off

-angst parent-tied fics for the rest of the main cast

-kai gets an alexa and huggins goes mad with power

-i’ve got a fantasy au of my own, with some shared ideas with Z’s, so i’ll probably write some fics in it eventually

i think that’s everything! let me know if you guys are looking forward to anything in particular, i’m curious

#red vs blue #about my fics

[banamine-bananime]

the forum werewolf game ever. of all time: night one

Start reading here!

Tucker is elected Blue Team Captain ("You are now unseerable and have one yeet avoidance. Once during the game you may take the role of a dead player and assign it to someone on your team."). Lopez is elected Red Team Captain ("You are now unseerable and have one yeet avoidance. Once during the game, you may take the role of a dead player and assign it to someone on your team. For this, you have forfeited your original ability, so you are no longer a blocker."). Simmons receives Lopez's blocking ability.

Lopez objects to his captain ability being ugh, talking to someone and tries bargaining with the mods for killing power.

Donut is too busy daydreaming and forgets to seer someone. (me: "Any action tonight?". Donut the next morning, when it's too late: "Yes, reverse time and seer [Lopez's player] because I thought it would be Night zero 😭")

On his way out, Sarge makes a robot speech unit that will post-restrict someone to only be able to post in robot syntax. "Make it a dying man’s parting shot. Give it to whoever would have the most fun with it."

Wyoming "BRUTALLY MURDERS" Sarge (per Wyoming's player's wording). (absolute tragedy, sarge was one of the players who knew rvb and he's so funny and SUCH plans for items to make. "Bummer. What to do with all this material I had from RvB??? And all the abilities??? I had taint toggle switch to immobilize action overnight. Active camo/church ghost to track someone, and Sheila/caboose love potion. Sad face" WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN)

Simmons blocks Vic.

Wolf's night results: "Wyoming kills Sarge"

Sarge's night results: "You are dead :("

Vic's night results: "Someone stood outside your door all night, glaring at you and preventing you from leaving"

Vic, who was doing jack fucking shit all night: "Oh darn and I had so many plans….."

Next: day 2

#red wwersus blue

[blue-angel-wings]

Halloween with Angel.

Word count: 1,468

Characters: Angel Reyes x reader (Y/N), Gilly Lopez, Coco Cruz, Leticia Cruz.

Warnings: Cursing, Halloween (? Idk some people don’t like it 🤷‍♀️)

It was nearing Halloween, and whilst all your neighbours had started to decorate their homes and front lawns, yours was bare and depressing, due to no fault of your own. Your boyfriend Angel had made it clear that the decorations in the house you to shared were perfectly fine and served their purpose but Christ they were depressing.

The decorations were disgusting collecting dust and growing mould from being thrown randomly in the attic and you were struggling to tell the difference between the real and fake spiders. But Angel had yet to grant you the permission to buy new decorations. Not that you need explicit permission but you viewed you and Angel as a team so you made decisions like these together. Sadly.

You and Angel had lived together for years at this point so you got used to each other’s ways and quirks, so really Angel should’ve been prepared for your enthusiasm for the holiday.

“Knock, knock and I’m already in.” Said your brother whilst you were sat a the table eating breakfast. Angel had gone for shower a few minutes ago so the house was quiet apart from the quiet sound of the water running.

“Hey Y/B/N, you okay?” You rounded the corner of the island to see your brother with your niece wearing a cute little pumpkin onesie.

“And hello to you too precious girl!” You cooed to the young baby currently yanking on your hoop earrings. You tickled her tummy just to hear her giggles whilst your brother babbled on about work. Obviously hearing the adorable shriek of laughter from your niece, Angel entered the kitchen and snatched her from your arms to have his fill of the baby cuteness. Begrudgingly you turn to brother to now pay attention to his words.

“So I was wondering if you remember where it is that Mama always took us for Halloween so we could go to the ‘kid friendly’ haunted house.” He said making air quotations when saying kid friendly. He stole a piece of bacon whilst you took your mind back to time when you were younger.

“Yeah she just took us to the garden centre, god knows if they still do it, people always complained it was a bit scary.” you reminded him, whilst continuing your breakfast.

“So you wanna go, think it would be a bit of fun, take us back to our childhood and pass on the tradition to Mia.” Your bother spoke whilst removing Mia from Angel’s arms, she fussed a little but settled quickly.

“Yes! I can get new decorations for the house, they have the best decorations!” You bolted out of the chair heading to door before Angel spoke up. “ No! We don’t need decorations we have them here.”

“But Angel-“

“No babe I’m putting my foot down, please it’s a waste of money, just don’t. You’ll spend more time putting them up and taking them back down than them actually be img on display!”

“Ooh he’s putting his foot down.” Your brother mocked, provoking Angel to throw the tea towel at him.

“Fine I won’t bring home any new decorations.”

“Thank you, I love you baby.” Angel spoke kissing your forehead and leaving to speak with the guys about an incoming run.

You stuck to your word, and didn’t return with any decorations, that’s because you ordered them to arrive to your home a few days later. This was for multiple reasons, 1) you couldn’t fit them all in your car and Angel would flip his shit if he saw you carry what is seemingly the whole store and 2) You knew Angel was going on a run so you order it to come whilst he was out. It was perfect because by the time it all up and looking pretty it would be too late. What can you say, you always get your way.

The day arrived and you were buzzing, it was time to get your spooky season started. You woke up alone in bed which wasn’t strange, as Angel was due to be on a run. It wasn’t until you heard yelling and swearing in the living room did you discover that was not the case. Walking out you were greeted with site of your boyfriend and his 2 extra shadows Gilly, sat at the table eating your food, and Coco sat next to Angel playing PlayStation.

“What are you doing here?” You exclaimed from shock.

“Uhh I live here-“

“I’ve been paying the bills with you for the past 2 years.”

When you don’t respond to the comment and continue to stare at him confused.

He points to his chest stating, “I am Angel” condescendingly thinking it’s funny.

“You’re supposed to be on a run.”

“It was only a small run,we weren’t needed.” He said shrugging like it was nothing when I’m reality it was huge.

“Damn Y/N you ain’t happy to see us?” Coco asks standing to hug you, you accept the embrace with a smile but on the inside you are screaming, why did he have to be here when you don’t need him to be but gone when you did need him?

A few hours into the day and they were still here and your delivery when due to arrive imminently.

“Don’t you want to go to the clubhouse I mean it’s more fun there, I mean you spend every waking second of your days there anyway why not go there now.” You exclaimed getting antsy.

“Nah we’re good.” Coco replied, you roll your eyes and spin on your heel to go to the kitchen and watch for your delivery of doom to pull up. “Why you trynna to get rid of us sweetheart?” Gilly asked jokingly, startling you in the process. “The other day I went to the store with my brother and bought way to many Halloween decorations when he specifically told me to not to and I thought by having them delivered whilst he was on his run, it’d be too late for him to do anything about it but now I know he isn’t on a run that planned it fucked.” You confessed. “Well damn baby you in shit now.” “Gilly” you whined palming his chest softly.

“Okay stop I’ll get him out and tell Coco to call Leti to come and help you put them up. Don’t stressed your pretty head!” He said tapping your temple.

“Thank you Gilly you are a lifesaver!”

“I know baby, it’s a gift.” He joked shrugging his shoulders like it was nothing.

Gilly stuck to his word and got them out the house, just before the delivery turned up. Coco had indeed called Leti to help you but you guys spent more time gossiping than actually hanging anything.

“ I think you may have gone a little too far with this.” She said holding a 7ft robotic witch on your porch swing as you cable tied it’s ankles to the structure of your porch, so the kids didn’t steal it.

“Oh shush you’re as bad as Angel, it looks great so don’t complain, it was worth all the time it spent to put it up and the ...$300 it actually cost.” You muttered the last bit hoping she didn’t pick it up.

“ Y/N, holy sh-“ she was cut off by the roar of bikes coming down the street, announcing the arrival of your man and his brothers.

You braced yourself for the backlash but when you turned around to man your man he had nothing but a smile on his face, Coco and Gilly hung back on the bikes whilst Angel took in the scene.

“Baby-“ you started.

“I like it.”

“What?”

“I knew you couldn’t resist the decorations at the store and when you came back home empty handed I was shocked, then earlier when you wanted us out I knew you had this arriving.” He exclaimed gesturing the house covered in fake cobwebs and pumpkins, and obviously the freaky witch on the porch. You breathed a sigh of relief and looked up at him with total adoration.

“ I love you Angel, thank you for understanding but your lazy ass coulda helped if you knew.” You complained cuddling into his side. He chuckled lowly. The moment was ruined by a scream and then followed by a gunshot. You ducked into Angel from the fear.

“You scary motherfucker, jump at me and imma shoot yo’ ass! Do it again hoe and see what happens.” Coco shouted with gun pointed at the witch.

“What the fuck Coco it’s not real.” You pointed to the now ruined witch.

Coco stepped forward gingerly, gun still cocked, inspecting the witch, confirming with a slight nod of the head that it was in fact a robot.

“My bad” He shrugged.

Taglist: @mayans-sauce.

#mayans mc #angel reyes x reader #angel reyes #coco cruz #gilly lopez #leticia cruz #my fics

[foodbytesback]

KFC Wants You To Be Horny For Colonel Sanders

2020 has been a hell of a year for mascots.  Mr. Peanut was killed, then resurrected as a rapidly-aging child.  Toucan Sam became CalArts-ified.  Ronald McDonald and the Burger King made out.  It shouldn’t be much of a surprise that the mascot world has one more punch to pull before the year is over.  

In a move that I truly hope no one saw coming, KFC has partnered with Lifetime to produce A Recipe For Seduction.  Picture it: a young woman is about to be coerced into an arranged marriage when suddenly a hot new personal chef comes along to spice things up.  And by “things” I mean chicken, because it’s Harland Sanders, played by Mario Lopez.  The 15 minute long feature was released on December 13th, and can be viewed on Lifetime’s website free of charge and without having to make an account. (Could you imagine if they expected you to pay to see this thing?)  The whole thing is rife with Lifetime Original Movie tropes (mother who always knows best, gay best friend, drama involving cell phones, getting knocked out by a light hit over the head), and in its hypercondensed state becomes a parody of itself.   Which is a good thing, because again, this is the Colonel Sanders Lifetime Original Movie.  They knew what they were making and treated it as seriously as it deserved.  I don’t know if I can wholeheartedly recommend watching it, but I also can’t say I regret watching it for this article.  

The most troubling thing about this is the revelation that KFC wants people to be horny for the Colonel.  And there’s a whole Kentucky Fried Chickenatic Universe of media saying so.

In 2017, the romance novella “Tender Wings of Desire” was published. The official excerpt describes the protagonist as being suddenly “swept into the arms of Harland, a handsome sailor with a mysterious past,” as she struggles to find her way in life.  It also credits Harland Sanders himself as the author, although author Catherine Kovach has since revealed herself as being the true auteur in the Q&A section of its GoodReads page.  Her replies to various people saying “Hey, what the fuck?” can best be summed up as “Yes, I wrote this.  Yes, I stand by it.  Yes, it is absolutely ridiculous and should not be taken seriously.”  Someone else in the Q&A section revealed that this was released as a Mother’s Day promotion, because… this is what mothers want?

The majority of reviews are 1 or 2-star, which at first made me think these people just didn’t “get it,” but after actually reading their critiques I saw that their problem was that the writing is apparently very bland and nowhere near as tongue-in-cheek as we were all hoping it would be.  There is at least one 4-star review that contains, “I laughed, I cried, I smiled as they set sail for their chicken empire in America,” (Apparently it’s set in Victorian England? Because that’s where all the great romance novels are set?) so at least one person enjoyed it.

Then, in 2019, they hit us again with the dating sim “I Love You, Colonel Sanders!” which despite being free on STEAM I just couldn’t bring myself to play.  But pretty much every Youtuber did a playthrough of it at the time, so I figure watching one of those is probably close enough.  You play as a student who is late to your first day of culinary school, where you meet Colonel Sanders, a robot student, an unnamed student that eats something so bad that they die and are represented by a bedsheet-ghost for the rest of the game, and a dog professor.  Just like real culinary school.  Game play includes answering questions like “what flavor dog treat does the professor want” and “if Train A leaves at 7:15 and Train B leaves at 8:47 should you wash your hands before cooking,” and the wrong answer is an immediate game over.  The art style ranges from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure to Ouran High School Host Club and every anime style in between.  While some critics panned it as being an obvious marketing stunt (like, no shit?) or even as a disservice to the dating sim genre, the STEAM reviews are “Very Positive,” so at least more people appreciated this attempt at a sexy Colonel.

But that just raises the question: Why has KFC decided this was going to be their branding?  Sure, KFC has been losing market share as Popeys and Chick-fil-A (ugh) have recently been expanding nationwide, and was all but left behind when the latter two were having their chicken sandwich war.  They had to do something to make people pay attention to them.  But was trying to get people hornt over their mascot the right way to go about it?  Are they trying to distance the Colonel’s image from the real life Harland Sanders, who was a serial womanizer and cheated on his first wife, and instead portray him in a much more “desirable” light?  Who is their target audience for this?  The romance novel and the Lifetime feature probably have a considerable amount of overlap, but the dating sim is definitely for a younger, weeb-ier demographic.  Does this have anything to do with troglodytes on 4chan and Reddit getting horny over the Wendy’s mascot? (Who is 8, you fucking creeps.)

We may never have all the answers for all of these questions.  I just hope I don’t get as burnt out on the KFCU as I did the MCU. 

#food #food media #KFC #a recipe for seduction #i love you colonel sanders #also i somehow went this whole time without saying 'finger-lickin-good' #wait this one doesnt have any links in it #why did it get shadowbanned

[texas-hates-taxes-too]

A Very Red Christmas in Blood Gulch

I have this scene stuck in my head, sorry if its not super great, its been a long time since I wrote anything decent

Hope you enjoy!

---

"Merry Christmas, Sarge!" Donut saluted quickly (and improperly) before shoving a gift bag towards Sarge.

"Appreciated, now where's everyone else?"

"Just coming, sir", simmons wandered into the room with Grif in tow. Simmons was in his undersuit but Grif was still in pyjamas, looking like he'd just rolled out of bed, which he probably had. Lopez came in last.

"Good. Now men, today is the greatest, and reddest, holiday of them all. Christmas! And so we will be celebrating appropriately. Here's your cards."

Sarge quickly handed each of them a card.

"Uhh, where we supposed to be getting gifts? Because I didnt so that", Grif yawned while opening his card.

"Grif, I would expect nothing more than for you to be a disappointment even on the reddest holiday of the year, which is why I entrusted Simmons with buying a gift for me in your name"

Simmons was currently staring at the front of his card with watery eyes. The card said 'Merry Christmas to my Son'.

"....dude, are you crying?" Grif hadnt been moved at all by his own card, which also said son on the front but had a torrent of insults written inside it.

"What, no! Of course not." Simmons quickly dried his eyes and then handed over two gifts to sarge, "Merry Christmas, sir. Thank you for the card."

"Kissas"

"Shut up"

Donut looked over to where lopez was staring at his card, he couldn't really tell how lopez felt about it, because lopez didn't have a face, but luckily Donut was pretty good-ish at reading body language.

"Don't like your card, Lopez? Whats wrong, do you not like Christmas?... ohh, are you Jewish? We shouldn't have assumed"

".......No. No soy judío. Soy un robot."

Donut turned to Lopez, "robots can still celebrate holidays! I heard that Sheila is celebrating," he said teasingly, "I also heard caboose got her a really nice present, you'll have to get her something really good if you're gonna win her heart!"

Lopez didn't say anything but he walked away after few moments.

"Ah young robot love." donut sighed.

"Time to go deliver cards to the blues, men" sarge picked up his gun and another 6 cards before heading out.

"Fine, but I'm not putting clothes on." Grif grumbled before leaving, still in his pyjamas.

Donut grabbed more gift bags and skipped out after them.

Simmons was last to leave, he had taken his card back to his bunk and was just sitting looking at it. It was stupid, he thought, to get so emotional about something as small as a card. But he just couldn't help it, the card and the words on it were the best gift he'd gotten in years. He gave it one last look and smiled before running out to join the others.

---

Lopez had joined them on the walk over.

"Did you find a gift for Sheila, Lopez?" Donut asked as they walked.

"Si." Lopez held up a spanner that he'd stuck a red bow on.

"Aww, I bet she'll love it!"

Grif leaned into Simmons. "Whats a tank gonna do with a spanner?" He whispered.

"...why are you asking me?"

They arrived at blue base.

"Hellooo! We're here for Christmas!" Donut yelled.

Church stumbled out of blue base still in his pyjamas.

"Hey, shut the fuck up reds, people are trying to sleep!"

"At 12pm? You're worse than Grif." Simmons responded.

"Not true, I'd get up at 3pm if you'd let me."

Sarge put his gun away and pulled out some cards.

"Alright blue, get the rest of your filthy buddies out here, we've got cards for ya"

"And presents!" Donut added.

"Presents?!" Caboose poked his head out of blue base's entry way, he was already fully dressed in armor.

"Here's yours, caboose!" Donut held out a dark blue gift bag for Caboose who quickly ran over like an excited puppy.

"Oh I love gifts! I got gifts for all of you too! Just wait here and I'll go get them."

"Now wait a minute there blue, I gotta give you your card", sarge handed caboose a card and then tossed another at church.

"I don't celebrate Christmas" church said flatly, bot bothering to open the card.

"Of course you don't, you're a blue and this is a red holiday! Consider this an act of war!" Sarge yelled back.

"Thats not— y'know what, nevermind"

Church wandered back into blue base.

"Tell the rest of your buddies to get out here!" Sarge shouted after him.

Caboose had torn open the his card and was slowly reading through it. His card said 'to my son' like the reds' cards but had 'blue' written in pen above the word son, inside it had a message about how caboose was pretty great for a blue and would always be welcome on red team (if he was willing to give up his blue ways).

"Aww, thank you seargent!" Caboose picked up sarge to big him a big hug, "I like being on blue team, but the card is very very nice."

Sarge tried to look unbothered by the bone crushing hug.

"Dont mention it blue." He crossed his arms, "seriously, never, ever mention it."

Eventually Tex and Tucker stumbled out the base, looking similarly dressed to church.

"Why did Church wake me up just to talk to you guys?" Tucker groaned.

"We brought gifts! For Christmas." Donut held up the gift bags to show them.

"Oh so this Christmas thing is actually a celebration and not just an excuse to get drunk?" Tex joked.

"Seriously, Tex, what planet were you born on that you haven't heard of Christmas before?"

"Earth"

"I dont buy it"

"Ahem!" Sarge interrupted their conversation. "Here."

The two took their cards as well as their gifts from Donut.

"How did you actually get cards that say 'to my enemy' on them?" Tex asked.

"To Minor Junior Private Tucker negative third class— thats not a real rank— have a terrible Christmas, lots of hate, from red seargent of the red army, the greatest army in all of blood gulch." Tucker read his card out. "Gee thanks."

"Your welcome."

"Thanks for the invitation to join red team Sarge but unless your gonna pay me I have to decline." Tex's card had included a very inspiring message about how great things would be if she joined the red team.

"Hey sarge, you want me to pay Tex 300 bucks to join red team?" Simmons asked.

"You clearly don't know my prices."

Caboose came back out the base carrying a pile of haphazardly wrapped gifts.

"I brought my gifts presents, here you go!" Caboose's tossed a gift at each of the reds. Each one was clearly some sort of gift wrapped weapon.

"Thanks.... caboose..." Grif said, looking at what was definitely a hand pistol.

"Oh I love grenades!" Donut said, "thank you caboose, these are perfect."

Caboose grinned.

"Your welcome!"

"Oh! You know what, I've actually been wanting to get a knife for ages," Simmons said, "thanks Caboose."

"Mm. No blue shotgun will ever replace my superior red shotgun, but I... appreciate it," Sarge said reluctantly.

"What did you get, Lopez?" Donut asked.

"Un rifle roto. voy a encontrar a Sheila."

"Huh, hey Caboose did you know that the gun you gave Lopez is broken?"

"Yes."

Tucker looked between caboose and lopez.

"This is getting weird again, I'm going back in."

Tex turned to the reds.

"Well thanks for coming by but we've got our own Christmas stuff to do I assume, see ya"

"Ah yes. I better go too, bye guys! Thanks for the presents, Merry Christmas!" Caboose yelled before running back inside.

"Well that was nice, should we go back?" Donut asked, " I made Christmas snacks and they're ready to eat!"

Why didn't you say so, let's go" Grif turned away and started heading back to red base, going faster than he had on the way there.

They all started heading after him, ready for a day of very-red Christmas celebrations.

Sarge watched his team with a strange warm feeling in his chest.

"Merry Christmas, boys."

#this is not proof read at all enjoy #rvb #red vs blue #Christmas #fanfic #my writing #fanfiction #oneshot #red team #blood gulch chronicles