#Leaving Abusive Relationships

[ablackwomansurvivingrape]

Cell Phone Carriers Are Putting Domestic Violence Survivors At Risk. Here's What To Know.

With a flight booked, Caitlin Eckert was ready to leave her abuser. But the morning she was set to go, she remembered they were still on the same phone plan.

The two had taken advantage of a deal earlier in their relationship — two new iPhones — which put them on a shared plan under his name. Not expecting her relationship to turn abusive (because who would?), this understandably caused her little hesitation at the time.

But now she felt terrified. What if, out of spite, he disconnected and erased her phone number, the one she’d used for 15 years as a young professional, friend and family member?

She called customer service and tried to explain her situation calmly. But no matter what she said, the response from the other end was the same: Her abuser would have to make the call or show up to the store to take her off the plan.

“At one point, I broke down and asked the stranger on the other line, ‘What do I do?’” she said. “Which, looking back, I realize was both in terms of the cell phone plan and the abuse I was experiencing.”

Unwilling to accept the options provided, Eckert went to the store in person. Her flight was in a few hours, but she knew this needed to be squared away.

At the store, three men greeted her. They asked if she was the main account holder; she said she wasn’t. “Immediately, they threw their hands up and told me that there was nothing they could do,” she said. “I remember feeling an immediate wave of defeat rush over me, as I knew that in order to emancipate myself from my abuser, I would need his active participation in the process.”

This is a far-reaching issue.

Are all phone companies like this? The short answer: It depends. “Cell phone providers have different laws and regulations dependent on the state,” said Blair Dorosh-Walther, program manager of economic empowerment at Safe Horizon, a victim assistance organization. “Unfortunately, most states do not have supportive domestic violence protections.”

Many others have confronted this predicament. In one Twitter thread, people talked about facing or learning about this issue with Verizon, AT&T and T-Mobile, the country’s three biggest carriers. The hoops to jump through are never-ending, even for survivors who are able to go through the process required by their carrier.

A Verizon Support representative replied to the Twitter thread, saying “I assure you that any domestic violence victim that receives an order from a court to assume responsibility of their wireless number, can do so without requiring authorization from the current account owner or manager.”

In response to questions from HuffPost, the company claimed, “We work very closely with survivors to make sure they can get any documentation we request, and we make sure we don’t put anyone at risk.”

T-Mobile said, in part, “T-Mobile supports the Safe Connections Act that would make [being able to sever a phone line without the consent of an abuser] a consistent federal policy. We also support domestic violence survivors where they need assistance with device ownership and service costs.” Neither carrier said policies requiring survivors to produce court orders or other documentation have been eliminated, and AT&T did not answer questions about their policies.

But going to court, let alone getting a court order, is incredibly hard and a major barrier for survivors. The time, money, evidence and resources needed can simply be too much, making laws that are supposedly “helpful” far from it.

“Often, laws supporting domestic violence survivors end up creating far more work for the survivor than the person causing harm, which may be additionally traumatizing,” Dorosh-Walther added. “Cell phone contracts are no different.”

As you can imagine, this situation ensures survivors are even more controlled by their abusers, and in multiple ways. “[It] allows the account owner to access and control to not only the call log, text exchanges, etc., but also the victim’s ‘numeric identity,’ as many friends and family members likely know how to contact this person primarily via phone,” said Rahkim Sabree, an author who specializes in financial abuse and financial trauma. “If access to the phone is lost, many of the apps that rely on two-factor authorization will lock you out because you can’t access texts, emails, etc., without your phone, including bank accounts and social media, which deepens the degree to which the victim can be controlled.”

Plus, the legal definition of abuse doesn’t cover certain forms of emotional abuse, for example, that are just as serious.

Some states are making changes, but it’s only a start. “Connecticut recently passed Jennifer’s Law that now includes coercive control … as a form of domestic violence,” said Cristina Perera, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Thriveworks in New Haven, Connecticut, who specializes in abuse and trauma. “Currently, this law is only in Connecticut and California.”

Getting out of a family plan with an abuser is difficult, but not impossible.

So what can be done?

Let’s start with what’s currently happening in terms of legislation. In July, the House of Representatives passed The Safe Connections Act, after a companion bill had already been passed in the Senate. It gives survivors the ability to remove themselves from a family phone plan without problems or fees, but has yet to be made law.

So what can someone in this situation do in the meantime? First and foremost, safety planning. “Safety planning is essential, not only for contract bifurcation, but [for] any step a survivor takes away from the person causing them harm towards physical and financial safety,” Dorosh-Walther said.

Creating this plan with someone at a domestic violence center or hotline, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, is your best bet. Otherwise, worksheets like this one can help.

Side note: If you don’t feel comfortable having the hotline in your call list at all, see if a friend can do the calling for you, or let you call from their phone. Know that the number will not appear on your bill. “Shelters and hotline numbers for those seeking help are blocked from appearing on records, so people can make contact without fear of being found out,” Perera said.

Once that’s squared away, here are some options to consider if your phone provider won’t make exceptions for safety.

Document the abuse.

As a survivor and licensed clinical social worker, Eckert recommended “documenting stalking, tracking, accessing your private and personal information, threats to cut off your phone, accessing private photos and other means of abuse through the cell phone plan.”

As much as you’re able to, take screenshots, gather medical documents, videos and notes — and of all the abuse, not just the technological stuff. This can help with obtaining court orders and, hopefully, dealing with your cell phone provider.

Talk to your abuser about getting off the plan ASAP.

“If I had known this would have been so difficult to get out of, I would have started the process of convincing my abuser to let me off the plan for months,” Eckert added. (After an incredible amount of convincing and compromise, she got her abuser to agree.)

If you can’t leave yet, but are planning to leave later, you can also consider more indirect ways of talking to your abuser. Maybe you can make an excuse about wanting a different phone or carrier, see if you can become the new account holder, say you want separate plans, or not give a reason at all.

Again, talking through your options with someone on a domestic violence hotline first is ideal.

File for a domestic violence restraining order, or DVRO.

This requires filling out some forms. In California, for example, that could start with the state’s DV-100 form to request a long-term domestic violence restraining order — but there’s a faster option available, too.

“While DV-100 is a request for a restraining order on a long-term basis, the DV-110 allows you to get a temporary restraining order quickly before your scheduled DVRO hearing is set, which can be a few months out from the date of your filing,” said Rita Mkrtchyan, a senior attorney at Oak View Law Group. She added that in California, the DV-110 will probably be signed by a judge within a few days of filing and can help you get a court order. Check the process in your state to see what your options are.

You may not be able to wait a few days to sever your phone line, though. If that’s the case, Mkrtchyan suggested submitting your filed documents to the phone carrier, even before a judge signs off on them.

“Some carriers will accept this as enough evidence to leave the phone plan without permission from the account holder. This may take some persuading, however,” she said.

It’s helpful to have a plan in place before you file for a restraining order — though a restraining order is meant to reduce your risk, some studies and surveys show there’s a chance an abuser may retaliate and break a restraining order after being served.

See if your state has a law about phone plans and domestic violence.

Look into (or ask a loved one to look into) the laws regarding phone plans and domestic violence in your state.

“In recent years, many states have passed laws allowing a judge to issue a court order directly to the phone company, as part of a protection order case, to order changes to the shared plan that is in the abuser’s name,” said Deborah J. Vagins, president and CEO of the National Network to End Domestic Violence.

She explained that this order transfers the billing to the survivor’s name and allows the survivor (and any children) to carry their phone numbers to a different plan. The NNEDV’s WomensLaw.org website has a helpful section on that, she added.

Vagins noted that “in the states where it’s authorized, [a court order to leave a shared plan] is often requested as part of the protection order process. Some states require the possibility of imminent danger before a protection order is granted, and proving that may be challenging.”

While not for everyone, and sometimes difficult to access or afford, protection orders can be good for some survivors. “By no means do I want to discourage victims from filing for a protection order and making this wireless transfer request,” Vagins said. “Protection orders can be a crucial part of a safety plan for many victims.”

Get a new phone number.

If you can give up on your phone and phone number, starting over with a new one may be the route to take. Perera said that shelters can direct survivors who choose this path to specific agencies that can provide free or affordable plans.

This is what survivor, advocate and resilience expert Jamie Wright had to do when her abuser wouldn’t help. It was a choice she didn’t want to have to make, but she’s been able to find silver linings.

“My therapist helped me reframe the loss of my phone number (which I honestly felt, at the time, my phone number was part of my identity, who I was),” she said. “She also helped me process and reframe the loss of some of my contacts as a way to clear space in my new life for new relationships [and] connections that aligned with my new life, the life I was beginning to embark on, free from violence.”

While this option may be the best one for some people, it’s okay to still be upset if you have to go this route. It will cause extra hassle, like having to email or message your new number to clients, co-workers, family and friends, but it may be worth it in the end.

Getting off of your abuser’s phone plan is harder than it should be — there’s no doubt about that. But please know you have people in your corner who want to help. You have a way out, and you deserve to feel safe.

#domestic violence #phone carriers #abusive relationships #leaving abusive relationships #stalking #harassment #phone contracts

[missmarthanightingale]

i find particularly notable the line "that unknowingly i did break the seal." like that is an outright lie! & sure, the count lies all the time, but previously there's been a veneer of plausibility to them, whereas this lie is just so blatant, bc jonathan sat next to him on the couch & watched him open the letter in literally the immediate preceding paragraph. pair that with the mind fuckery of the locked door & just. idk idk something about the way that the methods of abuse in this relationship are shrouded in ever less deniability as time goes on

#usually in real relationships this happens as the abuser grows more confident in their power over the victim. they stop bothering with any #pretext when they feel certain the victim won't or can't leave. with dracula - i can't decide if it's a mind game or if he's getting bored #but obviously /he/ knew he had total power over jonathan the minute he got him off the coach. the parallel is still notable though #dracula daily #re: dracula #count dracula #original

[angrylesbianstereotype]

“Why don’t people remember that Skyler and Walt were separated and in the process of getting divorced when she slept with Ted?” They do! The people who insist that it was cheating just don’t believe that a battered woman has the right to leave her husband without his permission, hope that helps <3

#srsly i know it’s fiction but i stand by my opinion that hating skyler is a major red flag #these ppl earnestly believe that they were still together bc walt wanted them to be #as soon as one party says they are leaving the relationship the relationship is over!! #breaking bad #brba #skyler white #anti walter white #misogyny tw #abuse tw

[shanastoryteller]

I have the worst sunburn I've gotten in AGES 😭 absolutely burned all over. titties toasted

#my efforts to maintain my natural paleness aka avoid sun damage make me incredibly susceptible to sun damage #im in an abusive relationship with the sun #i cant tell if the uvs are stronger now or if not leaving my house for 2 years really nerfed me #this is your grandma talking

[bonebabbles]

I keep starting and abandoning posts that go into my drafts, as I try to stay tasteful about how fucking revolted this part makes me. Like, I'm legitimately unsure if the very relevant trauma I have is making me see things that aren't here

But first we see that Star Flower is trying to ingratiate herself to the group, just after she reappears from chapter 5. Chapter 5 is about how Clear Sky is still abusive towards his son, and she comes in after stroking his ego, stressing how alone she is, and appealing to how she'll be loyal unlike his child. (She glances over at Thunder, directly implying this.)

Now in Chapter 9, she's babysitting and trying to care for Milkweed's kits (in spite of discomfort from Milkweed), taking a wet sleeping space away from the others, and pulling more than her own weight "without complaint." Putting herself through harsh sitations to prove her worth.

All while trying to appear extra attractive to Thunder, and later Clear Sky. Basically every man in power who can "protect her"

Like, am I going fucking crazy? With how we later find out that Star Flower was "promised as a mate" to One Eye's subordinate Slash, is... is that hypersexualization? One of the extremely stigmatized symptoms of sexual abuse?

She goes to find Clear Sky alone to throw herself at his paws, and he's very quickly attracted to how she promises to perfectly obey him, have no needs of her own, and finally be the perfect servant that he desires

"I don't deserve your trust because I am dirt. I understand you because I also regret something. I'd die for you. I'll never betray you unlike those who have."

This isn't manipulation. She means this. The story is playing their romance sincerely. She's comparing "betraying" Thunder by telling her own father about an assassination ambush to Clear Sky's history of child abuse, physical assault, and murder

She believes she's on the same level as this; a monster who murdered a childhood friend in a fit of entitled rage. She was a victim of One Eye who really believes that the way her father used her means she "understands" this monster, deserves this treatment.

And Clear Sky LIKES that.

He likes that she will have COMPLETE FAITH in him. That she will follow him WITHOUT QUESTION. That she will OBEY his orders. That's fucking verbatim, that's THE TEXT!!!

WHILE HE'S STILL CRYING ABOUT "ive tried to atone every day" FOLLOWING THE LAST TWO BOOKS WHERE THE ONLY SHITTY THING HE DOESN'T DO IS MURDER INNOCENT WOMEN

Am I insane?? Am I wrong??? Am I missing something here???? Why the fuck is the fandom takeaway "haha sexy girl steals his dad." Did I read the same book

#Csa mention #Did they once again do a misogyny so hard they accidentally gave their woman character trauma #My tip to anyone in a draining relationship. If your partner fetishizes that YOU would never leave or betray them unlike ''all the others'' #RUN. #There may be a reason their exes cut ties with them and they're praising you for ignoring red flags #Especially when your partner is significantly older and more experienced #Theres nothing noble about constantly suffering for the sake of 'loyalty' #Star Flower PLEASE get out of here you dont fucking deserve this you did nothing wrong #Bones reads dotc #Dotc hate #I thought i was just remembering things wrong when i was adding the subtheme of thunder having a connection to star via abusive dads- #-in my dotc rewrite. But no it's right there. It's in the text and it's something clear is attracted to #I abuse the shit out of my son and he left me once over it #But i can abuse this girl his same age and she won't run. Finally! A victim who won't leave! #And then they become mates and she births at least two litters #Cw abuse #sa mention #EDIT: I've changed the language just slightly #because the timeline COULD work out that starf was an adult when she was promised to slash for a very brief window of time #and hypersexualization is a symptom of trauma resulting from many types of sex abuse. Even that done when the victim was an adult. #it's just more common in CSA

[bonefall]

Feel free to ignore you've probably got a lot going on right now, but considering you know a lot about DOTC and Clear sky, I had a question...

We know that he's a terrible, misogynistic, woman beating and war mongering lunatic who was excused of all his actions because his equally misogynistic brother said " But-But he's nice! Deep down! This isn't the real him! "

But! In a world where the Hunters could write such a character, what do you think Clear Sky would look like as an actual sympathetic villain?

Idk if that makes sense, but what I've thought of doing is taking purely cannon Clear Sky and attempting to change him enough that he's still an antagonist, but not too far where only Reddit defends him.

I don't think he works as a sympathetic villain, on any level, ever. I think you're making a huge mistake to even try, and I have never seen an AU where it was done well nor am I interested in entertaining the thought.

Characters. Are. Tools. They exist to tell a story. The story that people tell me, by obsessing over some alternate universe where he was "ACTUALLY sympathetic and had a REAL redemption arc," is that they're not fucking interested in his dozens of victims. Nor do they actually care about the abusive impact he had on the minds and feelings of his family. They're JUST interested in Clear Sky himself.

Just like the Erins. Everything that happens in DOTC revolves around him. Everything. All his wives die so he can be sad about it. His brother defends all of his actions and BEGS you to sympathize with his pain so he can be 'redeemable.' One Eye comes out of nowhere so that there can be an example of "real" evil to contrast Clear Sky so he's less bad in hindsight.

The first three books of DOTC are bad, but the last three are fucking insufferable because SUDDENLY all that Gray Wing apologia pays off, and they take their main villain and throw him out a window. You CAN'T have "redeemable" Clear Sky and the plot of DOTC without dragging in someone else to drive the conflict, to BE the bigger threat to "unite" against. Slash and One Eye have to be conjured up out of thin air so Clear Sky can WHINE about how people only suck his toes instead of deepthroat them after he killed all their friends.

And yet, in spite of this absolute failure of an attempt, we continue to see this bullshit "redemption" be a mistake because Clear Sky is a fantastic villain, with major antagonist roles in nearly EVERY bit of follow-up material for DOTC that came after.

He's the most consistent monster in all of Warriors.

He's a fragile, egotistical, self-absorbed megalomaniac who ALWAYS sees himself as the victim, REFUSING to self-reflect and blaming everything else for all of his terrible choices. He will USE your love of him against you like it's a chain through your nose, step out of line and he will yank you into place with guilt trips, manipulation, public shaming, and violence.

He's a child abuser. He's a tyrant. He abandons the sick and disabled as soon as they're of no use to him, with grand speeches about "illness" and "weakness." He's a murderer who stands above the shredded corpse of his victim and bellows, "I'M NOT GREEDY! I'M JUST STRONG!"

And you'd write a "good" redemption arc for this, why?

Why are people so chronically unable to accept that there are LOTS of people like him, and you can't save your abuser? Why don't you ask yourselves why you're not interested in exploring Thunder, or Petal, or Gray Wing, and how his toxic influence impacts them? Why does the sympathy fall on Clear Sky? What about the DOZENS of victims who are dead by Book 3, and how THEY could have been saved?

Why ruin a perfectly good villain?

What's behind this trend where a billion people say to me, "Yes Clear Sky is a walking cavalcade of fucked up abuse apologia, and an incredibly realistic depiction of an abuser, but how would you change this while keeping it all the same?"

I wouldn't. You can't. It wouldn't be the same story, or it wouldn't be the same character. Never seen it done well, and I have seen it a lot. So I don't entertain this deeply frustrating "Well What If Clear Sky But Nice" impulse.

#The closest I'll ever get to that is Fallenleaf. And she lost it all #And spent years in the time-out tunnel #BAD KITTIES GO IN THE PEAR WIGGLER TO BE SUFFICIENTLY WIGGLED. #I don't think people in power typically change. If they do it's so rare it's not worth entertaining. Camel through the eye of a needle shit #and I mean ALL powers. this goes for abusive relationships too. I think they need to lose that power before they change. #When you have power. REAL power. You can fill those holes with it. You can force people to not leave. #so im actively hostile to stories that winge and cry about giving powerful people endless sympathy and chances #You've already shown me what you want to do with your power and as long as you keep it you haven't seen your consequences. #Power reveals. #It doesn't corrupt. It reveals. #DOTC hate #clear sky's redemption arc #If you're in an abusive relationship or under a terrible boss or in some other bad environment. You won't fix it. #You are not responsible for fixing it. #You can't fix it. #And they will not change. so GET OUTTA THERE #And that's who he functions best as. To me. #He's the bastard you need to escape. #And that's infinitely more compelling to me than Nice Clear Sky Attempt 32324 #I don't write stories that beg you to sympathize with tyrants and keep your heart open to some maybe-change on the horizon #I write stories where they ruin everything they touch and have to be forcefully yanked out of power before they hurt more people. #And also screw every related take that's like 'ohhh after 5000 years of having his toes sucked he regrets it a bit :(' #no he fucking wouldn't. he had his toes sucked for 5000 years. He's vindicated by how fondly he's remembered. #You can't fucking tell me that he doesnt REVEL in how violent the culture became. That him being offended about the clan's exile- #--was anything but him being offended his namesake was going away. That he wouldn't parade around like every choice he ever made was right. #''I made some vague mistakes which I will never name. BUT Im never wrong and always did it my way even if it was hard'' #If you haven't met a person like that I envy you. #bone babble #Nothing makes me mad quite like this character #Again I yell about his brother a lot because he's widely loved by the fandom

[gothducky]

Rummaging through my ak folder I found these old pics that I posted to twitter years ago lol

#Arknights #I don't go to twitter anymore because I don't feel safe anymore after leaving an abusive relationship #So don't ask for a @ it doesn't matter anymore!

[eastgaysian]

Sorry this is a dumb question but can you explain why tomshiv is not abusive? Shiv seems to hit a lot of textbook behaviours of emotional abusers

thank you for your follow up clarifying this was in good faith bc i checked my inbox yesterday right after getting high and was like man come on. don't do this to me. but yeah i can talk about it, it's obviously something i have a fair amount of thoughts on

on a fundamental level, i take issue with the assertion that there are 'textbook behaviors of emotional abusers' in the first place. distilling abuse down to a set of behaviors is, imo, effectively meaningless and totally unproductive. it's not the behavior of an individual that defines abuse, it's a specific and intentionally cultivated imbalance of power and control within a relationship. victims of abuse can and do resort to survival mechanisms that could be considered in isolation as 'abusive behavior', the point is that you can't consider them in isolation. there's a gulf of difference between the same actions when they're coming from a person in a position of significant financial or physical or social power over someone else, or when they're coming from the person at a disadvantage.

i think viewing abuse as a set of behaviors also encourages you to treat interpersonal abuse as if it's discontinuous with systemic abuse, which is inaccurate and unproductive. a key part of succession's premise is that, because the family is literally the business, the familial abuse within the roy family is inextricable from the broader systems of capitalism, patriarchy, and the sexual violence and abuse endemic to them. with regards to how the show satirizes and critiques these systems, i think it's very telling that all of the characters are to some degree complicit and/or participants in abuse, but logan is the only one i'd say is unambiguously and intentionally presented as 'an abuser' (whose abuse is not an isolated product of him as a person, but integrated into/inseparable from the capitalist system which persists after his death). still, logan isn't reduced to a one-dimensional angry, abusive dad, he's given depth and complexity. his continued insistence that he loves his children isn't treated as something that's untrue, but that doesn't make it inherently good, and it certainly isn't incompatible with him abusing them.

circling back to tom and shiv. their relationship is unhealthy, it's not good for either of them to be married, shiv does fucking awful things to tom and tom does awful things right back, i'm not questioning any of that. but at my most cynical and bitchy, what it comes down to is quite simply: shiv doesn't have enough power over tom to be abusive, systemically or personally.

the thing is sometimes you see people say 'wow, if the genders were reversed people would say tom and shiv's relationship is unambiguously abusive!' which... hrm, but really the issue is that. the genders are the way they are, that's for a reason, and yes, that does make a significant difference in how we perceive their relationship and power dynamics. tom holds very real and present power over shiv as a man and as her husband, proposing to her when she was vulnerable in a way that placed huge pressure on her to accept and then trying to get her to have his baby so he can become patriarch. shiv's the heiress with the legitimacy of her family name and generational wealth but she is continuously, unavoidably subjected to gendered discrimination and violence. she's never allowed direct access to real power - she has to rely on the men around her, her husband or her brothers, and if they don't feel like humoring her she's shit out of luck.

this doesn't cancel out like a math equation, but it definitely makes things much more complicated than shiv being an Evil Bitch Wife to her Poor Pitiful Husband. when shiv finally does push tom too far, he immediately, successfully, goes over her head to her abusive father to fuck her over. maybe shiv wants to be her father in her relationships and exert the same kind of control he does. but she doesn't and she can't! she does not have that power! she cannot stop tom from kicking back and his hits are significant. as much as she might like to pretend otherwise, tom not only has always had the power to leave in a way shiv doesn't, he had and has the power to fuck her up badly, and he's used that power. that is simply not the power dynamic between abuser and victim to me.

i also have to say that abuse is not always going to be definitive black and white. in real life there are plenty of unambiguous situations but there are also plenty of complicated situations, and applying judgments to fiction is not always straightforward. i can't exactly call someone 'wrong' for personally being uncomfortable with tom and shiv's relationship or believing shiv is abusive, but i'm very skeptical of the viewpoint and the motivations or assumptions that are often contained within. if shiv is abusive, she definitely isn't uniquely so among the cast, so you had better be applying that label and any associated moral judgments equally across the board.

#mingbox #abuse mention #might self destruct this tag later but it's like. #my relationship with my ex was definitely unhealthy and fucked me up but it was not abusive because fundamentally. #he was actively worse to me than i was to him but the moment he went too far i cut him off and took all the friends in the divorce #if he had more influence in our social circle or could actually successfully emotionally manipulate me it would've been much worse #but he didn't so it wasn't. i won the idgaf wars and everyone liked me better because i am not an asshole so i peaced out. #he's a dickhead and i had to leave that relationship for my own good. still it was not abusive #chalkboard

[everlastinghistory]

becoming a better version of yourself after they tried to destroy you while you were already at your lowest will always be the best feeling.

you tried to drag me further down, but there wasn’t much further i could go. so instead, i started fixing things.

now i’m happier than you’ll ever be so long as you keep the attitude that led here.

#self improvement #self healing #healing #toxic people #toxic relationship #psychological abuse #mental abuse #leaving abuse #leaving toxic people #recovery #tw toxic relationship #tw abuse #inner peace #personal development #self love #personal growth #self development #mental wellbeing #mental wellness

[mommyclaws]

Hawkfrost moved closer and dropped his voice. "Starclan let it happen."

His breath was hot on her cheek, "If Starclan is real, they must think it's okay. Maybe they don't care. Maybe they don't exist."

Mothwing’s Secret is so fucking sad….

#best warriors book ive read genuinely #her relationship with him is so sad and God a hundred times more interesting than what bramble had w him #because after tadpole and then sasha leaving all they had was eachother…. and he just keeps hurtinf her #hurting** #urghhh…. it was a pretty heavy topic for warriors to handle an abusive sibling relationship and do it this well #especially since religious truama and manipulation was included here #anyways! <-normal #warrior cats #art #mothwing #hawkfrost #mothwing’s secret #mothwings secret #religion tw #?? the text maybe #favs

[waystarresourceco]

Kieran Culkin on the boathouse scene and the Roy siblings’ dynamics (with a focus on Kendall and Roman and expectations on them in childhood). (x)

From an interview with Kieran Culkin with Vanity Fair - June 19, 2019

#Kieran has spoken a few times about the golden trio’s/Ken and Roman's relationship #and I think Kieran understands all of dynamic as being somewhere in the vicinity of “normal” sibling relationships #meaning I don’t think he considered Roman's relationship with his siblings (including Kendall) abusive or damaging to Roman #Kieran's mentioned Roman bullying Kendall but I think he really means “younger sibling bullying” #where a younger brother bugs an older brother until the whole thing devolves #or like the verbal stuff we see Roman sling in the show (most often at Kendall but kind of at everyone) #and all of that exists for Kieran within the realm of just normal sibling stuff #this is just my understanding of Kieran’s view though and folks are welcome to take or leave any interpretation of anything posted #roman roy #kendall roy #shiv roy #hbo succession #cast interviews #succession #kieran culkin

[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is telling all ur friends to break up with their s.o when they talk about their relationship problems

.

#Anonymous #aro culture is #aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #ask #mod phoenix #aro relationship wheel: communicate or break up #or as i personally frame it: communicate / set enforceable boundaries / break up #in that order #if ur wondering what i mean by enforceable boundaries: #there's a tendency to refer to statements like 'don't treat me like xyz' as boundaries #but when you create a boundary you need to consider how you'll respond if it is respected vs if it isn't #and an enforceable boundary tends to look like 'i feel upset that you keep calling me dumb to your friends. if you keep doing it #i will (not go to events where those friends are present) / (need to reevaluate our relationship)' #(can really depend on how likely you feel they are to respect / understand that as to what sort of follow-through is needed) #so like. communicate with 'i feel xyz when you abc' / 'i think xyz when you abc' types of statements #set boundaries with clear follow-through and FOLLOW THROUGH #and if that's not working? GET OUT. LEAVE. if you're concerned they'll be terrible about you leaving that is a MAJOR RED FLAG of abuse fyi #like it is a *classic* indicator of emotional abuse #if that's the case: work on (re-)establishing relationships outside of that one. get a support network. think about realistic responses - #if u share finances - can someone help u out while you separate your finances? ie can you work with ur bank to (re?)create a personal acct? #and can a friend of yours or family or anyone help with moving? things like that #not to mention just being able to handle the emotions about it #uh. all this to say: this is my formula for this type of convo #and this can be applied TO ANY RELATIONSHIP

[carbonateddelusion]

I know I haven't said much about it, but legitimately, "running away" was one of the most pivotal life decisions I've ever made. Probably THE first major life decision I've made, and also the best. If you have an opportunity to go, leave. Get out of there. If you are not safe at home, emotionally, physically, whatever, and you're able to leave, do it. It's going to suck such major ass for a while because you're going to have to deal with the scars they've left on you, but I wholeheartedly, full-throatedly, with-my-chest promise you that it is going to be better. You're going to be better. If you have the privilege of being able to escape, no matter how difficult it feels, then RUN.

#whatever you leave behind is not your responsibility. sometimes you're gonna have a fucked relationship with the siblings you 'abandoned' #but they have to understand that you had to leave. and that you were actively fighting to take them with you the entire time #it's okay to be selfish. you need to be selfish to start to recover. #if you have to be homeless please look up and do your research on local resources first. plan things out. #i was lucky enough to have family who'd been waiting years and years for this moment to happen #if you can go and have your college dorm as a safe haven then absolutely take that chance #if you can go and rent an apartment with the money from your job then take that chance #plan shit. do it. even if your brain fights you. you do not want to be out there without proper precautions or else you could end up- #-seriously fucked over. #also i know i'm encouraging people to get out but in equal measure: #if it isn't safe to leave you are not lesser for staying. #if it's winter and you can't be out there alone you are not complicit in your own abuse yk? #if you have family you CANNOT leave behind like extremely young siblings then you are not at fault for staying. #i was lucky enough to be able to leave quickly and (relatively) painlessly and i'm aware that not everybody can do that #sometimes staying IS the better choice. but that's a choice YOU have to make not me #assess your situation properly. are you staying for your own safety or because you're scared? #etc etc. obviously take all of this with a grain of salt i don't have all the life experience in the world just what little i have #also: prepaid phones are a godsend. MRIs. canned food. make sure to have first aid kits if needed. plan ahead. have a stash somewhere safe #rox rumblings #me things

[blonde-and-cat-suc]

If Adora and Catra both did crap to hurt each other then why do I never see comics abt Adora feeling like crap and feeling bad for hurting Catra

#salt salt salt #old draft post that i had stewing in here #even fandom knows. they KNOW. that c//a is not an equal relatioship. #equal c//a would have these two ALWAYS arguing back and forth with each other about things from the past. possibly working them out togethe #equal c//a FANON would naturally reflect this following that same logic #so why is it when we see the premises of “Adora has to apologize to Catra now” its the same tired old... #“Im sorry i left you in the Horde” #and nothing else. #“im sorry that your feelings were hurt and im sorry that you had no influence over me at that time... Im sorry that you're STILL mad at me” #she's not apologizing over something that she is genuinely sorry about #she's apologizing in these fanon works as a means to placate catra (and fans' warped reality of what this relationship actually is) #it's a shitty vaguely disguised way to “equalize” c//a and make it so that they BOTH look like awful people #when obviously this is not the case because the narrative itself doesn't think Adora is wrong for leaving the Horde! #even if these two were “equally bad” to each other. why ship them then. really. seriously. i get the rhetoric of “ooh toxic spicy ship” but #if they're really SO “toxic and spicy” where is the part where they're BOTH toxic? BOTH bad for each other? #it's not a toxic relationship if ONE side is toxic. thats called an abusive relationship. anyway. im done now. good night. #whoops! tag rant

[coachbeards]

also like. i do think about it a lot.

beard being told via hallucinations that he’d need a pep talk to kill himself………and then it was a pep talk by ted to get him to forgive nate (and himself)….

#to give himself Purpose again!!!! life!!!!!!! #suicidal thoughts tw #and then they lost whatever they could’ve done in the finale by having him end up w jane but who cares lmao not me !!!! #ted lasso #coach beard #beard staying in Richmond was the best thing for him. leaving one codependent relationship for another abusive one was not good #beard needed to be in that therapy chair freshly single and learning to love Him as he is #on his own.

[bpdohwhatajoy]

I fucking hate being autistic in this society. I hate that I’m made to feel like a burden just by existing. That my mere existence is a problem. People wonder why our self esteem is so goddamn low oh maybe it’s because we’re shown and taught that (at best) we’re something to tolerate.

#no wonder I accepted abusive relationships #well bc they didn’t start out that way #BUT OF COURSE I STAYED #I’m taught that it’s normal to be uncomfortable #that my discomfort doesn’t matter #that I’m just being sensitive and dramatic #so when I tolerate abuse why do the same people who told me I’m just being sensitive now chastise me for not leaving #we’re taught to be grateful to accept whatever people give us and I’m tired of it #autism #autistic #actually autistic #autistic rant