#LOATS OF LOVE YOUR WAY!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xjulixred45x · 7 months

Text

SatoSugu x Reader with past and Personalilty like Subaru Sakamaki

Genre: VERY LARGE Headcanons

Reader: female

Warnings: issues related to SEXUAL ABUSE, PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE AND ISOLATION (all to Reader's mother), mental problems, bad parenting, Reader's father, thanks to this reader has ANGER PROBLEMS and goes to the PSYCHOLOGIST, hurt with Comfort, Angst, Fluff . LONG POST.

You being born was a Curse itself. Thats what you thoug, thats what EVERYONE in your family thoug...thats what your own mother thoug. The woman that was suppose to love you more than anything, that would have to protect you...she despiste you.

O well, it was not always like that, you remeber growing up and heard the stories, how your mother was in her young, the "White rose" of all the clans, because she was the fairest of them all...she was beautifull. Was.

I mean, she was still frankly beautiful, even if she had to stay away from everyone to avoid killing everyone who crossed her path (or herself...), she still had a delicate and beautiful bearing, but you understood why they said she had "withered" or rather, you knew the cause.

YOU.

For started, your mother had a VERY bad temper even BEFORE all this happened, so when it DID happen, she went into a Big Bad downfall in her mentalhealth.

The moment you were born, your mother's already deplorable mind declined incredibly, becoming bipolar and unstable, violent and erratic, all because of YOUR fault.

You still remember that during your first years of life, it didn't use to be so bad, because you two could spend time together, especially at parties, where she would always keep you in sight.

But there was odd, horrible moments as well, where your mother lose all the control she have over herself and start screaming, crying,and she would say very, very hurtful things.

"You are an abomination."

I am dirty...

"GET AWAY FROM ME!!-"

"YOU--MONSTER!!!"

It took you a while to realize what was causing these erratic episodes in your mother, but once you did, it was very obvious.

YOUR FATHER.

your father had raped your mother to have you. for no particular reason other than to experiment with their ritual techniques.

It made you sick.

You started to justify your mother, because of course, she was obviously mean to you because she was only taking out her anger on someone (which happened to be you), and you ended up doing the same, you took out your anger on whoever made you the least bit angry.

It was the only form of all these emotions that you knew and that you had been "taught" after all.

and in a way you saw it as a kind of "bonding" with your mother.

and you thought that your mother also had disgust for him, hatred. and that's why you could empathize with her, love her even, as you two have the same loating for the same man.

But the realilty hit you like a truck...

When a certain party happens, you were still a little young, but you remember it vividly. You tried to protect your mother when your father came to see her, putting yourself between them.

and she slapped you... and left with him...

It was the last time you saw your mother outside. The next times would be inside a CAGE "tower" inside your clan's residence. You couldn't see her often though.

Her before "sometimes unestable but torerable behavior" went to "total bipolar and psicotic, Sucidal" behavior

You lost the count of all the times she instulted and degrade you just to pass to be a sobbing mess, begging you to leave her alone, then remember she hate being alone and then pleaded that you kill her.

You still got the knife even...

You also grew up in your own personal cage, but of repressed anger. No matter how much you tried to fight with your father or beg him to give you your mother back, he would just walk away with a smile on his face.

so you took out your anger in the only way you knew how, aggression. but eventually you realized that it wouldn't help you much.

You realised when you entered Jujustu Tech.

Thanks to your "family situation" the professor Yaga offer you(much like more that he make you) to go to Therapy. So your cursed energy would't be SO conflicted. And at the beggin, it was kind of funny.

Even though you went to therapy, you maintained a certain reputation as a "bad student" in many ways. You arrived late, your personalized uniform was torn and looked like that of a criminal, you kept your distance from your classmates (who were only 3), etc.

but your attempts to draw attention away from you ended up doing just the opposite.

More when you proved to be so hot-headed.

There they saw an opportunity for "possible connection" TO MEET WITH YOU.

Gojo was the first to make a move. He asked you for your name (since you hadn't even introduced yourself)

You REALLY didn't want to talk to him, but you said your name under your breath (progress?) and turned away from him.

Gojo was a little surprised by your grumpy attitude but didn't think much of it and started asking you questions (ignoring the fact that you barely answered half of them).

It took Geto longer to get closer, but he did when they had to do some work together and he realized that you're actually pretty good at SEVERAL subjects.

and in several of those subjects you were doing horrible academically.

He's not one to meddle in other people's lives, but he didn't want you to get in trouble for something you could CLEARLY do better.

so he took advantage of a break that you had in the classroom (which is strange because normally you just disappear and reappear to continue the class) and asked you if you were having any problem why you were doing so poorly in class (along with your other problems )

You just yelled at him to leave you alone and left the room, muttering something about how it was a bad idea to have made that contribution.

He ended up generating the opposite reaction to what he wanted.

Gojo makes fun of him a little, but as soon as he realized it was you, he had an idea.

From then on, both of them would be constantly behind you.

not in a creppy way, but in a "do your best!" way.

They would be constantly trying to encourage you to socialize, contribute more to assignments, improve your attendance, things like that.

Sure, from time to time they made fun of your angry nature, but as soon as they touched on a sensitive topic they didn't do it again.

Gojo was the one who took advantage of your anger the most, he couldn't help it! It's so funny for him to see you all sulking over something so small.

Geto found it somewhat funny, yes, although more in the sense that he saw you like a kitten, all fluffy, all angry, so cute~

They were also able to see beyond the "delinquent" layer that you had, you turned out to be someone more sensitive and sweet than they expected.

When you finally relaxed and allowed yourself to laugh with them (or at them), Suguru and Satoru could SWEAR that you were glowing with uncharacteristic joy, and one they couldn't get enough of.

although of course, you could have perfectly put out an eye of either of them. They realized very quickly when they touched on sensitive topics.

Like one time you swore a lot during a practice fight with Satoru, and he said "do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" and...GOD, you almost knocked him out and he almost left you because he was so shocked.

Suguru understood faster than Satoru that something about that conversation made you very angry, which pointed to your mother. so for now they decided not to bring it up unless you did.

On another occasion, while in Second Year, a first-year boy wanted to give you a congratulations gift for moving up a grade. What was it? WHITE ROSES.

You practically ripped the bouquet out of his hands, twisted it in every possible way (even if you hurt your hands), you turned them aside and stepped on them, but not before yelling that you HATED ROSES.

The boy was scared more than anything, which made you react and realize that you had made a horrible mistake to someone who was just being nice.

You apologized quickly and went to do what you knew how (get out your anger), but you only broke things, over and over again while you replayed everything in your head.

She was right about you.

She was right.

You're disgusting

you are STAINED

YOU ARE A MONST---

Satoru and Suguru had no problem reaching you, thanks to Gojo's 6 eyes and Geto's curses. What they DID have problems with was calming you down. Were you in some kind of rage episode...or panic? They didn't know how to say, just that you weren't well.

Gojo knew that you were angry and that you were going to therapy for it, but he didn't think it was THAT serious, he tried to keep a certain distance so as not to upset you more and Geto talked to distract you and calm you down slowly.

Little by little you became tired, both because of having broken so many things about the place where you were and the mental fatigue, along with the words of the two of them, helped you to calm down faster.

they didn't say anything or ask anything, it wasn't their place, you appreciated that, aside, even if you said it at the time, it wasn't a justification for acting like a jerk.

Eventually that year ended and summer arrived, it was by far the summer that you were least at home, you were no longer clinging to the idea of your mother or your hatred for your father, now you could...be a normal teenager.

They did more normal teenage things.

you went riding a bike, you went to watch basketball games, you went to the movies together, you practiced your techniques, you did stupid things...

It was the most at peace you had felt in a long time, being able to spend time with someone without any double meaning felt new.

so you decided at the end of the summer to tell them about your family.

You left a private meeting point, making it clear what you wanted to do, so that they understood how serious it was for you. and they did not give up.

They were unusually punctual. and they listened to everything you had to say, confirmed several things they had in mind, and were surprised by others.

although they undoubtedly felt empathy for you. Now MANY THINGS made sense. your attitude, your family, everything.

They really appreciated that you were THAT vulnerable with them specifically. and they kept your secret very well.

(I don't think they interacted with your father, but if they did in the past, if they saw that you didn't like him, they acted in a similar way, now it's the same thing, but ten times worse (:<)

In third year you were better than you had been in years honestly, sure, you were still hot-headed and impulsive, but you had made great progress with therapy and the support of your friends.

Speaking of, if your relationship with them becomes something more intimate, I think they would both be HELLBENT of you went to live or in the school dormitories or even one of their houses, simply the idea of you sleeping in the same house that your father gives them chills now.

They want to know your mother although they are afraid to say it, they have very mixed opinions of her, on the one hand they see her as another victim of your father who must receive psychological treatment....but on the other hand they cannot forgive that she has generated a large part of your self-esteem problems with his horrible words.

Ironically it's Suguru who has the hardest time controlling himself around your mother, for a man whose family is EVERYTHING, the mere idea that your own mother has damaged your mind so much...yeah, it's definitely not something simple.

I mean, Satoru has little filter, but he sees your mother much more like you, so it's not that difficult for him to endure an outburst from her.

If your father dies (bless God) and your mother starts to recover mentally, I can even see Gojo getting along with her, it makes her laugh. even Geto can take it more and see genuine regret for her treatment of you. so he forgives her more easily.

Even when they graduate, things keep getting better! They celebrate with you when you are discharged from therapy by going to eat at your favorite place, also taking the children (Megumi, Tsumiki, Mimiko and Nanako) and generally having a good time together.

If by chance your father is still alive, they are definitely burning all the letters or emails that come from him :)

a lot of👏flattery👏in itself they are flattering with a normal s/o, but knowing how poorly you think of yourself? NO SIR, NOT ON THEIR WATCH.

Gojo further shows his support by giving you some expensive gifts that he knows you'll like (which shows that he's been listening and paying attention to you), apart from him being very clingy, but since you're not that used to that, it honestly breaks his heart, so He tries to fix it little by little.

First small things like holding hands, then holding onto his arm, his arm and your waist, etc.

He still likes to make you angry, but the ones like "awww you look so cute when you're irritated" are better than making you really angry.

Geto is chillier, and his love language is based more on acts of service and words of affirmation, he knows how bad a bad emotional experience can leave you (and in your case it persisted until your adolescence) so he tries to Overcome all those LIES bad ideas in your head and replace them with good things.

He helps you with the housework and is the one you go on missions with the most (Satoru is almost always busy) so he tries to protect you as much as he can, even if he knows you don't need it, he thinks it's good that you know that NOW if you have someone to take care of you.

surprise surprise, their main nickname for you is Kitty. according to them the perfect nickname.

"It's soft, fluffy, it looks like it's going to kill you (and it could) but it's a cutie!" -Gojo, probably.

I can see them being more emotionally vulnerable with you, especially if you have had your episodes of suicidal tendencies, they make sure to let you know that they love you through small gestures, more obvious gestures, establishing limits, everything so that the relationship is healthy and you can tell them what you happens.

(You can be sure that they themselves destroyed the knife that your mother gave you, the mere idea that you had it was terrifying)

both of them have definitely given you anti-stress dolls that 1-or have helped you a lot or 2- have ended up shattered by your first outburst of anger. but you always tried to sew it up so as not to ruin it.

Gojo offered a couple of times to train with you and take out your frustrations with it, but it really didn't feel very good to continue using violence as a source of comfort (more so against either of them). so they started looking for hobbies together.

You sleep a lot, too much, maybe it's a product of all the repeated mental fatigue, but at least thanks to this Geto always makes sure to have extra blankets within reach.

He's a little worried, yes, but at the same time he can't deny that it's relaxing in a way to take a nap with you and see you so calm and at peace.

When Gojo joins, it become's a Cuddle Puddle™

As long as it doesn't harm your health, they tolerate it, they themselves don't sleep much, so they are happy that you have better habits than them)

(Since Geto is not corrupted here, his parents are alive) Geto's parents practically adore you. and when you visited them for the first time and they treated you so familiarly and lovingly, you cried.

You like the Gojo Clan, they spoil you a lot, they aren't as affectionate, but they are definitely MUCH friendlier than your paternal family.

The higher-ups tolerate you, they know they shouldn't mess with you, although I definitely think they would take some action against your mother/father.

Honestly there's not much to do anymore.

There are times when you have to end up just like your mother, that one day you will lose yourself and end up like her... it terrifies you. On those types of days they both wrap you in a blanket (like sushi), make your favorite food and generally let you do whatever you want to do (watch movies, talk, play something, etc.).

It is worth knowing that they are there.

Although of course, if your concern arises more from someone (or more specifically, YOUR FATHER) doing something to you that leaves you in that state, they will do the same, only they will hold your face and tell you directly, looking into your eyes , that they would NEVER, EVER, let something like this happen to you as long as they live, EVER.

which is quite surprising, seeing them this serious and even somewhat...off guard, they never thought about that possibility until you brought it to the table.

but in any case it only validates his points about certain things.

(Is it still too late to annihilate your father?)

In general, they are more understanding of you because of your turbulent background but also more patient and willing to be vulnerable to show that they are serious about you. who love you

and above all, they will help you face demons both from the outside world and from the inside.

Thank you for reading ❤️

96 notes · View notes

laylawatermelon · 1 month

Text

Please please read this and give it some love but I had an inkling of this feeling but never mentioned it cause I thought it was absurd.

Basically its a tweet of a reddit post (inception ik) basically of how Tim is basically rewriting the characters back to the way they were.

More below 👇🏾

Everyone's been mentioning how the characters have been more in character and the actors are happy and that makes sense.

He's been making them more in character than they ever were.

And with the Buddie situation (yes not everything is about them but i am a buddie fan who happened to find and grow to love this show because of it) it makes the most sense.

Now that Oliver mentioned the love story and everyone assumed it was the shooting and being in live it made the most sense.

Who else was he going to be falling in love woth at the time? It surely wasn't Taylor. Their romantic relationship was always doomed to fail and it was a great friendship they had (ehhh sideye for Bobby situation and Jonah eventually) that lasted if they weren't too persnally involved in each others lives.

She'd have been a perfect friend for him to gossip about the drama at the 118 (not work cause you know she'd make a story). That relationship wasn't going to work. He's too honest and she's too opportunisic.

If it hadn't been Jonah it'd be something else and he'd feel the same sense of betrayal (also Buck kissing Lucy was betrayal but that also felt a lil like assult cause she got him reallllly drunk and if the roles were reversed people wouldn't be that enthusiastic about it).

The only other love story that's been written logically as a will they won't they tragic and emotionally complex story is Buck and Eddie's.

Season 2 he replaced his love intrest! Like come on!

But in all seriousness, the Ana breakup and ll the vague dollow your heart is basically being rehashed.

I remember someone mentioning that Marisol is just another Ana (whoever you are if you see this send me hit I'll put it in here) and that's actually true.

Yay Marisol no last name haters your time has arrived cause it's official she's done!

There's no worry because we're getting a conclusion on the fact that was supposed to happen years ago.

She's not a permanent structure.

This storyline can go two ways.

One Buddie confirmed season 8.

Or two, Eddie realizes what his family could look like and its a single parent home with a support system from work (and Buck but we're gonna just gloss over that for now).

Meta linked above I just talked about Eddie and its coming to fruition (hire me abc im getting better at screenwriting!).

For the first one it's juicy storytelling.

For the other it makes sense as development for Eddie becoming comfortable with himself apart from his identity as a husband/widower, son, Catholic, and father.

He'll learn to bebhimself which he hadn't had the opportunity to do as he had fell into adulthood with his kid and then added on having a child with a disability that needs a lot of monetary support he ended up losing the chance to figure out who he is without all of that.

Even if it's not romantic (😔) it's great for him to realize he doesn't really need to be with anyone or fulfill a role he's not ready or willing to fill due to duty.

He can just be a father and work it iut that way.

Chris only wants his dad happy and I sense he knows his dad isn't happy at times or even worse he's not happy but is pretending so that his dad can be happy as he feels he has to give him that space/approval.

Chris is getting a storyline and he's always been observant so he'll most likely either explode in his feelings and tell his dad or tell him in a misunderstanding (he is getting to be a moody teen after all it's not going to be an adult reaction).

He's been close to death, heard his dad lose it and loat his mom. He's more mature than people give him credit for but the story hadn't included him much recently so we'll just have to see.

#buddie #evan buckley #911 abc #eddie diaz #911 fox #tv shows #oliver stark #ryan guzman #hen wilson #bobby nash #118 firefam #eddie diaz focused #eddie diaz meta #911 meta #christopher diaz

26 notes · View notes

coloradocharmiegirl · 2 years

Text

Chapter 33 here --New 11/11/22

Summary:

With the M&M out of the way, Timmy settles in and enjoys the picnic. It isn't all fun and light though, as he's confronted by the reality of the past and uncertainty about the future. Good thing Armie knows just how to take his stress away.

Excerpt:

Ian's eyes drifted down to Timmy and Armie’s joined hands and he looked up with a smirk on his face. “Where were you guys anyway, hmm? Do I need to, like, deep clean the bathroom or something now?”

Timmy blushed and dropped his eyes at the implication, opening his fingers and dropping Armie’s hand, but Armie just laughed and hit Ian on the arm. “Certainly not! We were talking in the kitchen, if you must know, and I won’t have you impugning Timmy’s character that way.”

“Your character, on the other hand…”

“Yeah, riiight,” Armie said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. “That might fly if I’d ever brought a date to the picnic before in my entire career."

Or start from the beginning here

I'm back just in time for weekend reading! And thanks to everyone who is reading along--I hope you enjoy this!

And as always, please reblog if you would--since I don't have a regular loating schedule it helps people know about the update.

Much love, 💚💙CCG

#charmie fanfic #charmie #charmie ff #doctor timmy #fireman armie #I managed to get their pants off after all! 😂

54 notes · View notes

fairycosmos · 1 year

Note

i wanna come out to my parents to bad but every time im close i chicken out and start shaking really heavily because its so nerve wrecking :/ i know they’d have a problem with it and its so fucked because ever since i lost my sister i feel like i HAVE to make them proud, i mean they’ve already lost one kid, you know? i cant make them feel like they’ve lost another one. this is super forward so if you don’t want to answer please don’t, but is that something you struggle with? like, not wanting to let them down now that they’ve experienced the worst thing that can happen to a parent? anyway, sorry to bother you. i didn’t know who else might understand. hope your night is going better than mine lol!!!

god it's almost bizarre how i could've written this word for word im so serious 😭 like. you might be me for real we should uhhh check or something we might be living parallel lives. i totally understand everything you're feeling, from the coming out dilemma to the grief and everything in between. however, lately ive been viewing the idea of "coming out" through a more critical lens, and i think it's a bizarre expectation to put onto yourself and others, outdated almost - ESP if it is going to put you in emotional or physical danger. you don't owe your parents an explanation for like, being who you are. no one is entitled to access to your personal thoughts, feelings and relationships like that. you're not lying, that's a completely toxic idea. i know it's more complex than that, and i know it's constricting, like you're suffocating some days even. there is a lot of nuance, and it's absolutely not fair that you can't be open about it without fear. but if you're not ready to tell them, you're not ready to tell them. this is your life. that's a perfectly understandable reaction when they've made you feel unsafe regarding the topic in some way. and im exactly the same, w the loss of my sister it's like - everything is on me. i feel like i can't breathe and any move i make is wrong, i feel like the older i get and the more they realise i really am not gonna follow the traditional path, the more they resent me. if not outwardly, then inwardly. im not gonna have kids or marriage or a fancy career, i am not a viable vessel for their projections. it's true, they've already been through a fucking nightmare and so often i dream about giving them a picture perfect life from here on out, despite how i personally feel about anything, ive come close to it many times. i still might end up doing that, because im so loat and hurt. but i just fucking know deep down it's not sustainable. it's a fantasy, and i know my sister would hate to think im killing myself like that just to keep up pretenses. that being said, it's all so much easier said than done. im not saying you have to come out and cut everyone off and live your life completely authentically without fear or pain. im just saying like......despite the fucking endless mourning and the trauma our parents have been through........i don't think the solution to that is living our lives purely on their conditions either. we're not our siblings, and we never will be. we'll never fill that void, no matter what we do. im so sorry you're going through this, and thank you so much for the well wishes ❤️ i feel really seen by your message and i want you to know you can say hi whenever you need a friend. sending you so much love and healing, i know it's unbearable. X

#anon

17 notes · View notes

ninebluehearts · 2 years

Text

Only in your dreams

Summary: Your aunt made your life a living hell. You couldn't escape from her even in your dreams. Until you found him.

Warnings: Abusive guardians, abusive relationship mentioned briefly, manipulation, dead parents (reader), depression, anxiety.

A/n: Hey guys! This was kinda sad one, but I mean- if you guys want a part 2 with a happier ending then let me know and I'd be happy to write it! Enjoy 💕

-------------------------------------------------------

You ran back into your room, loating the suffocating nostalgia that you couldn’t seem to escape. You’ve run up these stairs over a million times in the thirteen years that you lived there. And here you are now, running up the same old, dusty stairs eight years later. And just like before, it’s to get away from her.

Your Aunt was always there for you as a child. She assisted with homework in any way she could, allowed you to work at a small, rundown ice cream shop down the street over the summer, and even took you in when your parents got too sick to take care of you.

To everyone in town, she was a hero. To you, she was the villain. Your Aunt Martha hid her abuse behind smiles and threats. Half the time, you didn’t even realize she had maniplulated you until you were sobbing in your bedroom, wondering if you were the problem.

You cursed your parents every day for allowing this wretched woman to take you, struggling to understand how nobody could see past her little facade. At the age of five, your parents got too sick to take care of you. So, they signed you over to her, insisting that she could care for you the best.

Boy, were they wrong.

It wasn’t the lying or manipluation that got to you, it was the hateful remarks about your appearance that did. She hated you for inheriting your Father’s eyes and even grew jealous of your hair, which was a replica of your Mother’s. There wasn’t much she could do about your eyes, but she constantly begged you to dye your hair a different color. Any color. As long as it didn’t look like hers, she would leave you alone.

But these small features of yours were your favorite. You loved gazing at the mirror and seeing your parents in you, relishing the way you looked like a perfect mix of them, not just one or the other. Even though you were angry at them for a million reasons even they couldn’t control, you still missed them every day. And Martha treating you as her personal servant really didn’t make you feel any better.

And even now, she still treated you the same way. After your abusive boyfriend finally left you for some other girl, you had no other choice than to live with your aunt again. It was either that or live on the streets. Though, it wasn't practical, the streets were tempting.

You just left in the middle of an argument, something you never even dreamed of doing. You had asked her what your Mother was like growing up. You thought that after all these years she would've calmed down and treat you like a human. Like family. But no.

She immediately started screaming at you, calling you ungrateful because she raised you, not her. Then argument turned into a rant about how she hated your Mother. It was obvious that she was jealous of her, though you didn't understand why.

After enduring her screams and name calling for the next twenty minutes, you decided to get up and leave. She starting screaming after you, demanding that you come back and talk to her. But you didn't listen. You just wanted to hide in your room for as long as you could.

Though, the only place you could ever truly hide from her was in your dreams. And even they were infested with her hatred most of the time. You were spiraling deeper into the darkness every time the day reset and continued your circle of hell.

That was, until he showed up in your dreams.

Nothing ever broke your cycle. Your living hell was the same everyday: Cook, clean, school, work, serve your Aunt, and repeat. Even in your dreams. No new faces ever appeared. Until now.

Your dream was a slightly different version than the one before it. You had been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, trying to make Martha's every wish come true so that maybe, maybe you could get a break.

As you were running to get the coat she had asked for, you slammed into what felt like a brick wall. But when you looked up, you were met with the most beautiful pair of brown eyes you had ever seen. Ones that weren't familiar. Then their owner spoke.

"Oh, goodness! Are you alright?" He asked as he reached down and grabbed ahold of your arm, lifting you up with ease. "I'm so sorry about that, love, I wasn't looking where I was going."

You found it kinda funny how just one stranger could scatter your brain this much. It was like he'd gone into your head and pulled out any knowledge of how to speak. You brought your hand to your head, trying to sooth your growing headache.

"I'm fine. Sorry, I was the one not looking where I was going. Are you okay?" You were amazed that you managed to form a reply, but you hoped you could keep this up. When you looked back at the stranger, your eyes reunited with his. Chills ran throughout your body, a feeling that was again, unfamiliar.

"Oh, no, I'm alright. No injuries here." He said with a somewhat nervous laugh, his eyes darting from you to random areas of the room. Why is he nervous? That was when you looked down and noticed how you were still gripping his forearms for support, which you didn't really need anymore.

"Oh! Right, sorry, again." You quickly released his arms, trying not to acknowledge the small, red crescents on his arms from your nails. "Sorry, but have I seen you be-"

That's when the ground began to shake, followed by a scream that could only be described as savage. You had broken Martha's rule. Don't talk to strangers. And now she was coming for you. Her vicious grin glued to the backs of your eyelids.

Your body was in its usual state of panic when you woke up, which was usually followed by some kind of muffled scream or gasp. But you didn't scream this morning, too focused on trying to figure out who that man was..

For the next month, you would wake up and search your memories for the beautiful stranger, but you were always met with disappointment. You began to feel foolish, asking yourself how you could be so stupid.

Tonight, Martha was at her book club meeting, discussing the newest Stephen King book. You never did understand how she could read those things and not walk away even a little bit queasy. Makes sense, monsters love other monsters. You silently hoped Stephen King would write a book on your Aunt, now that would be a best seller.

With your Aunt gone, you had some uninterupted time to yourself, meaning that you could finally read the book you found at the library last week. You weren't allowed to have things like books or computers, unless they were for school. And even those were used with supervision.

But the librarian seemed to understand your situation with just the way you smiled at her. She let you take the book home after making you promise to take it back in three weeks.

You really didn't know why you were drawn to the book so much. It wasn't even the book you wanted; Romeo and Juliet, by the way. No, this was a book about lucid dreaming, something you've never heard of before.

Once you opened the book and read the first chapter, you couldn't stop. This was the key to getting him back. You could see him again and you wouldn't let him go, you knew that for sure.

You quickly hid the book back under your dresser and jumped into your bed, willing yourself to go to sleep. After tossing and turning for what felt like hours, you were finally able to relax enough to fall asleep.

When you opened your eyes you were in a room filled with absolutely nothing but darkness. Limbo. You remembered reading about this place in the book; this was the place where your imagination was supposed to roam free.

So you closed your eyes, took a deep breath, and let the thoughts come in. The first thing that came to mind was your childhood home. The little brown house in the suburbs that always glowed with the orange leaves in the Fall. You could almost smell the sweet rot of the yellow and orange leaves, mixed with the chilly Autumn breeze.

And when you opened your eyes, you saw exactly that. The same small, brown house surrounded by the season's fallen leaves. You didn't waste even a moment, you jumped up the front steps, taking two at a time.

You flung the door open, letting it hit the wall behind you. "Hello? Is anyone home?" You called out, the anxiety creating a tight knot in your stomach as you slowly made your way through the house.

"Love?" You heard a man call out. It was him. The man from before. In your peripheral vision you could see him standing in the doorway of the kitchen, drying his hands with the familiar live, laugh, love towel your Mom loved.

"You're here?" You asked, not meaning for it to sound like a question.

"If course I'm here where else would I be?" He walked over and pressed a kiss to your forehead. "Are you alright? You seem a bit off."

"I-" But before you could speak, there was a knock at the door.

"Ah, must be the mail. Will you grab it for me love?" He started walking back into the kitchen, tossing the towel on the nearest surface. "Dinner's almost done by the way!"

You stared at the now empty space in front of you. It's Sunday and it's already -you glanced at the nearest clock- six o'clock. Why would we have mail? You thought as you walked over to the door to grab the mail off of the floor.

The majority of it was either junk mail or for you, but the last one was addressed to him. To Steven Grant.

"Love?"

Then you woke up.

#steven grant x reader #steven grant #moon knight #moon knight fanfic #moon knight imagine #dream control #lucid dreaming #part 1?

43 notes · View notes

badgrl-aestheitcboy · 1 year

Text

Just gonna put that out there.

You weren't as great as you think.

A narcissistic, self-loating, self-pitying, growth stunted, sex driven,pedophile. I didn't want to be with you, because you are so unhealthy to love. Simple as that. I deserve better, and you weren't it. I was better, and you treated me like shit. Even when I was dating you, you told me my best friend was more attractive. When I was homeless, you, being my sorry excuse for a 'boyfriend' at the time, said I was allowed to stay there for 2 weeks cause I'd annoy you. Face it, you didn't love me. You just loved the idea of me. You loved the idea of having someone, but you were mad I wasn't what you wanted. You acted like a dick. All you wanted was for me to sit and watch you play whatever games you wanted to play or re-watch whatever anime you were obsessed with at that time. Not once did you go out of your comfort zone or try something different for me. For fucks sakes I can count on one hand the different places we've been and one of them even being work, where we met.

Don't think you were great, cause you weren't. You're mad I didn't treat you well? I only reciprocate the behavior given to me. I give my energy to things that are worth it. I have outgrown you. Don't be all high and mighty since I wished you well. I don't believe in bad karma, and I was trying to be a decent human being. Yet here you are sinking so low to call me a bitch and say all I was to you was some fuck.

Psh, i wish we were able to be friends. But i cant for the way you have and did treat me. From the same year i met you, to the day i stopped talking to you. I You don't love me, you love the idea of having someone. I spent most of my time around you since, at the time, I didn't care much about the damage. Now I do. I no longer like being treated like shit. Especially by someone like you. Yet again, you called me a bitch for wishing you well. You only see me as a fuck, or something I don't want. Friend is NOwhere in between and now it's no longer an option.

I genuinely, wish you well. I don't just say it to seem like the bigger person. Unlike you, I have emotions. I have good intentions, and I know the definition of the phrase. I'm curious if whoever is asking you those questions is one of the girls you cheated on me with. Maybe the one you insulted while speaking to me about her. Who knows?

#x #J

1 note · View note

libidomechanica · 2 years

Text

Untitled Composition # 8958

Left us no have loats! Thus draw it was for could as a man, and it we many controlling water from have your sprink I’ve beauty’s runs, the villain the gruelty he’s wel benefiery door I return in the confessor spie! But

The trafficians your she they harshy lord, even! And old world it which doth the bride experie doe sure, but envy, roll’d so faire newly too thee ories a which you meed out; for pitiful and look. Whence, a solate, and mends the mind, on

of my which amang the Princing. She embrace, till be gravel son cance the state; ne disclose is of gulls too booings of asse you bear’d arried before, and is daughters wish once face him. And itself she heads; even gloomier what spread leap

it remember, below. Why shall wedlockèd up whose purposed: and the adore ther band, and which the dame to think like a could thy soul, I sweetly! Thus back in The days dear, how when your eccho bush and inquired the said, My so

urge from throw, by the counce thrust delight Thee, murder growing’d moan all. Tomb sharp us; comforthy dost as bottle and thankes the easts, and this quiet othere deep of lovely, aweare? No enlarge, to me garden- gate and don’t deep, and

barre fooles, which hath lullaby my hand weak, and it with with man come, the Bloom-cover heard Lobbinoll, nor cuckoo- song; till ther way: thine and shuddle me on back. Art strence form erection, to lip to reward to renewed her wife,

unlessed with from the delitera, that it wake you of old haster. The both infant the spready trees, and down-razed and Why I love fore; and two reachelor her hands out so unprofanity dies theyr prey— that her pane; by cooking

with be builty of clay, which steam- boat he. So cloud as is thou, whispersis, your cauld, with rayse? About suff’d with the fallacious exercised, and swinger had fairnes sweet birds she same, but you for for ther felt of Pegasus slept, kindly

grief just be wander god, he rose, abroad in a swear for sun-spotte. Many dost amuseum of then thes are toads of first—my death the Spring the should I wisdom cares his it thy dog, her be from my love of thee wisdom the until

Soap, down to sank to a swer, save, activelinged the whats and who hard am aweary, and sweetly spent to bather as spend the strange fell my Seal: at had starr’d; while stron- joined to gifts of Dark sea, in so fresh and wall in and swift

vp heations! A darke him comple thin, and by heaves abyde, now their mounty winds and thus, theyr glass enmity unto the mat in size, and Gibson knight with how than Buonapart are your has surface wight, thou can defore, and by days in

for falled my have your brain-dropped and looking man rill such gown visible reas slowly life’s seen and glish no seemed withou call of as that serves and flowes or the Hungariateless. And the wylde of all thou found in the hill the field,

a sough currants may for the creeping on his day, for and the corpse. That me was gray answer your virtue corn of flinged, good Angel pers; poetry clos’d browest living in began to new not those Nicean, and—and sight is golden

glare. As that the as the Cheeks. The rest now; the place with th’ unkindness, thou under air is gold. Supposed man I beginning frowne, and insection, our fore dead. Light all must none one, whereforms coy; ther Sunne o’t! Whose house, and no

eye, the she days fall ye thing down with her beauty, and returning stors of joy of water any a plainous! I say with bliss the flew, sitting bribe. And our born a gift meet all its lost livine, thus, how it delite, that inhering?

#poetry #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Markov chains #Markov chain length: 4 #154 texts #ballad

0 notes

pseudofaux · 3 years

Note

Hello! I'd like to request a fluffy drabble with Comte. His mc is overwhelmed/feeling loat and just needs reassurance, cuddles, and kissing. Thank you!

This is extremely cozy and I love it! We can all use some reassurance from time to time! In my spreadsheet my note for this one was “the comfort king WILL rise to this challenge” and I know he would. 🥰 I hope you see this and enjoy, nonny!

(Requests are closed, but there are more to be filled in July! Feel free to follow along or just read whichever ones you would like. A masterlist will go up when all the requests are completed.)

Has anyone ever looked at you with so much warmth and love as le Comte de Saint-Germain has suffused into the way he is gazing at you? He stood when you entered the room, saw your face, and brought you immediately to the fireplace and the little cart of treats Sebastian must have rolled in only moments before. Fragrant steam still escapes the teapot’s elegant throat, so it sits upon the cart like a dragon created by Limoges’ greatest craftsmen.

“Into my lap now, love,” he coaxes. “For a start. I want to get you off your feet.”

Le Comte uses the gentle grip he has on your hands to pull you toward his chair facing the fire. With a vampire’s grace, he sits and sweeps your feet out from under you, and when you begin to fall he catches your back as cleanly as he would if you were in a ballroom. Then he pulls you onto his lap, just as he indicated.

“That makes me feel better,” he says with a smile. “Right where I wanted you. Now let’s get you feeling better, too, chérie.” He fits you against him so the warmth of the fire can comfort your front and you can relax your back onto his body. You feel home and you’ve rarely been more grateful to be there. These days, Paris is making you feel lost.

He offers you tea and caramel macarons. When you refuse, he sighs in that way of his when you deny him a chance to wait on you and whispers, “Close your eyes for me, then, lovely one. Don’t concern yourself with anything but breathing. I have you.”

For the moments it takes your body to relax, he only holds you. He doesn’t even stroke you. He just keeps you close and safe, and gives you time to rely on his body under yours. It’s not until you finally sigh out some of the day’s tension that he pulls you in a little tighter.

Softly, Comte says, “I can tell from your pretty frowns that something has been bothering you lately.” He smooths a hand over your skirt, intimate but settling, not seductive. “Will you do me the honor of letting me take care of it for you, or do you want to work on it yourself?”

You truly don’t know. Right now you just want to know he thinks you are worthwhile, and that’s what you tell him.

“Darling,” he’s quick to say. There’s a small note of reproach in his voice. “There is no one more worthwhile to me in all the world. Let me show you that, at least.”

That makes you smile. You nod, very ready to let him spoil you with words, and you slip your hand under his so he can close the warmth of his fingers over yours. He does, immediately.

“How could I resist someone so lovable? Even when you vex me, you charm me,” he chuckles. He fits his chin over your shoulder and rubs his cheek against yours. “So soft, but not as soft as your heart.”

The noise you make is meant as acknowledgement of what he’s said, but it still him. Then he presses his cheek more firmly against yours until you laugh, trying to appease him.

“Doubting me?” he asks. His voice is scandalized. He smacks a kiss against your cheek, playful in a way you rarely see, and you laugh for real. He does it again, several times, until you are feeling floaty as a bubble and completely adored.

“That’s lovely,” he whispers, nuzzling the rise of your cheek. “Such a lovely spirit. Sometimes I can’t believe my luck that you are here with me.”

Slowly and gently, he turns your hand over and laces his fingers through yours. It makes you feel comfortable. Even more connected to him.

In a more earnest voice, he says “It truly makes me happy just to be near you. Would you make me happy now and stay here for awhile?”

When you agree, he murmurs the sincerest thank you that you have ever heard. You are still in his arms when the teapot has no more steam to give, and though you never had any tea, Comte’s attentions have your heart warm from the inside out by the time he is done.

#ikevamp comte #ikevam comte #ikevamp fanfiction #ikevam fanfiction #ikevamp fanfic #ikevam fanfic #flufffffffffffff this is cotton #pseu slings

120 notes · View notes

wortverlust · 1 year

Note

JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!

#PLEASE!!!#how are you?#and and and I missed ya too!!!!#LOATS OF LOVE YOUR WAY #PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSEFL AND #I WISH YOU A WONDERFUL DAY/NIGHT MOCHI!!!!!#ask.Mochi #jo.answers

26 notes · View notes

hannahthestorydreamer · 2 years

Text

Reflection on the #NevilleGoddardQuote: ”Nothing comes from without; all things come from within - from the subconscious.”

The Universe is created by the subconscious - what does it mean?

Neville Goddard’s Law of assumption (LoAs) has helped me recover and reclaim my path to love - myself - from the fear induced micromanaging that came as a result of my journey with the law of attraction.

We do not seek what is perfect, we seek that which is true, which is why we always receive our gifts when we are truthful and being authentically ourselves.

I remember when the #LawofAttraction (LoAt) kept me trapped within a very harmful mindset for 13 years. Yes, even then I was loved, beautiful, abundant, healthy, happy. And, while my life circumstances always worked out in my favour, I felt that the only way to maintain the miracles in my life was to micromanage my vibration by practicing hours upon hours of gratitude rituals every single day. I would feel anxious if I diverged from my rituals. I would worry if I felt, or expressed negative thoughts, or emotions because through the lens of the Law of Attraction I didn’t really understand that all emotions were equally worthy and beautiful, even though prior to my introduction to the LoAt, I had loved unconditionally and feared nothing. Not even a drop in ’vibration’.

I remember my childhood as a star child, chin up, eyes locked on the glittering stars of our Milky Way. Heart overflowing, yielding and forgiving. Unconditional Love was my only purpose and direction. I surrendered my heart to love and became overly diplomatic, loving those who had hurt me and hiding away the great hurt that they had caused me. The LoAt, amplified the suppression of the darker emotions within me.

Then, out of deep suffering came Neville, and his teachings reawakened my senses to the truth that all is unconditional love, and that my worthiness was dependent on nothing else than my being present here as a human being. I understood that my assumptions are what create my life. That is, what I deeply hold to be true is what I experience because my life is a reflection of who I am. I swim in an ocean whose waters warm, or cool according to my expectations. It is not the temperature that fluctuates, but my experience of swimming in the water that changes and I choose my experience.

“Nothing comes from without; all things come from within - from the subconscious,”

The subconscious is the ocean of the soul within you. I say within, but it is also without. Your soul and spirit is everything. Just as love, god, and pure energy is everything. It is all one, but we perceive things to be different and separate from our human vantage point. And that’s okay. Truly, it’s one of the reasons we souls decided to become human anyway. And even though we are human we never stopped being souls. We never stopped being who we truly are, which is essentially vibrant, beautiful love - an ocean of living, breathing endless light and goodness.

Our subconscious is connected to this essence of who we are at all times and strives to guide the human aspect of ourselves into conscious alignment with our true nature: Love. Light. Free.

And so, from the subconscious (our deep, essential selves) arises the command that orders our physical reality into various shapes, sizes and life experiences. The response that the subconscious is seeking from our limited selves is love. And what is love? Well, it is yielding, but assertive. It is fully present within itself and its power. It is the I that I AM.

The mind cannot always keep up with presence. In fact, the mind often falls silent wheb presence and soul rises. It is as if the mind cannot exist in the same space as light. Perhaps because it is light, and when light fills the mind it finally relaxes and releases the struggle it has been experiencing to get back home.

So we humans flow in and out of presence, in and out of mind and love. Yet, we always are love, no matter where our attention goes.

Yet, our subconscious always has one mission: to bring us back to ourselves. Home. Love.

And the subconscious will create a life for us with this mission in mind. The subconscious, or soul, wishes us to recognise who we truly are while also in our human form and sometimes it might be unpleasant because our human selves/mind/ego resists the experiences that the soul has created. We resist because of fear and because we have forgotten who we truly are, and the hidden nature of reality.

“Nothing comes from without; all things come from within - from the subconscious,”

From a state of forgetfulness (or partial awakedness as in the LoAt) we attempt to forcefully mold reality into a more pleasing shape. We supress, control, struggle, obsess, worry, forcefully perform spells, magic and rituals .. all our efforts come from without. And, pay close attebtion because this is important: our subconcious sets up roadblocks to our desired manifestations because we have steered deeper into the domain of mind, and further seperated ourselves from the open, faith and softness of love - our true selves.

To get what we want when we are operating from mind is to remain enslaved to mind. The sole task of the voice of your subconcious , soul, is to remind you of who you are, awaken your godself embodied as human, and bring you back home. So, it keeps the manifestation away - not because you are unworthy or have a wobbly vibration - but, because what you truly want is to come back home and consciously return to your true self - divine embodied love as human.

When I decided to return home to the warmth of love that has always been within me, and that has always shaped my reality, everything changed. My manifestations and dreams came true. My suffering ended, though I sometimes still feel pain because I am human just like you.

I decided that nothing (no circumstance) matters enough to hold me mentally and emotionally hostage, anymore. Not even in the name of best practice manifesting.

I realised that if something truly matters to me then it’s more important for my emotional wellbeing that I choose to love it as much as possible, as it is right now… just in case things don't go as I would prefer… just incase there are no magic wands, pills or solutions. I went back straight home to my heart- to love, peace. I choose to love as much as possible because the act of choosing love is the act of doing my best- of being my best - of being me.

And miracles — true miracles happened. Like physical heart’s healing themselves, health restoring, addictions vanishing, love reappearing, money appearing, death leaving… so so so much more.

When I returned home to love — soul — the subconcious, the need for life circumstances to give me rude awakenings disappeared. And, manifestations (life experiences) were the happy kind and still are. In fact, it’s getting better everyday.

So when Neville says: “Nothing comes from without; all things come from within - from the subconscious,”

Neville is trying to make us understand that everything ever created was created by our souls to help us find our ways back home to love in our human bodies.

It is all love. It always was. And so it wil always be.

I share much more on my realityalignment blog, insta and reddit community

I love you💖

Ps: I selected 70 powerful Neville Goddard Quotes and created a printable Manifestation deck and journal. Get it here: Excited to share this item from my #etsy shop: Printable Neville Goddard Manifestation Law of Assumption Quotes Divination Oracle Cards Bonus Reflection Journal https://etsy.me/3tDYCIQ

#neville goddard #inspirational quotes #manifesting #law of the universe #law of manifestation #law of assumption #law of abundance #law of attraction #manifestation #Spotify

3 notes · View notes

sebbytrash · 4 years

Text

Through His Eyes - Part Eighteen

Summary - Bucky arrives at the compound to start afresh but you and him have a somewhat colorful past, colorful being that you met him once before as The Winter Soldier and it did not go well. New beginnings, yeah? If you can learn to forgive.

Pairing - Bucky x Reader

Warnings - Angst, denial, self loating, all the sad stuff guys. Also, weird breakfast habits courtesy of one Clint Barton

A/N - Hi, it’s me, trying not to act on the need to reintroduce myself here lol. Anyways, sorry its been forever, again. I fix? Feedback loved and appreciated. <3 HUGE thank you to my other half @manawhaat for taking my scraps and forcing me to do better. I love you.

Through His Eyes Masterlist

"Auntie Mallow, what happened to your face?" Nate asks as soon as he spies you from his place at the kitchen table, running over to tackle hug you. "Were you attacked? Was it by Ninjas? Did you kick butt?"

"Woah, woah, one question at a time, little man," you say, and then pretend whisper, "Twelve of them, butts all kicked."

"Cool!" He shouts, disappearing into the house with a few karate chops.

"Yeah, he's going through a Ninja phase at the moment. He's gonna be dining out on that story for a week." Laura explains, a cup of cocoa already in your hand and hers giving your bruise a once over, a fond smile at the edge of her lips.

"Training accident with Steve. Nothing exciting." She hugs you anyway, warm and kind and everything you need. Laura and her magical hugs, they always soften the edges of even the sharpest of pains. It's why Sam so often referred to her as Mother of All, because she just made you feel seen, loved.

"I'll be upstairs putting the monsters to bed. Shout if you need me." She gives Clint a kiss on the cheek on her way past and his eyes linger on her a little longer as she leaves. Your spine aches from the way he looks at her, a lifetime of love poured in a single glance.

He turns back to you, looks at you in an entirely different kinda way but it doesn't make you ache any less, you wonder if your story is leaking out of your eyes like a kaleidoscope of words and feelings, projected for any and all to see. Laid bare in look alone. He looks at you long enough for you to regret coming, not wanting to deal with any of the mess you'd created just yet, but he surprises you by instead asking, "You hungry?"

He makes you a burger that you readily inhale and then realise just how long it had been since you'd eaten. Clint asks nothing, expects nothing, simply fills your belly and earns a few shaky laughs before ushering you to the barn where a warm bed was waiting.

"This place looks a lot nicer than the last time I stayed here." You smile at the memory and he rolls his eyes back.

"Well, we had some time to convert it to a guesthouse. Not like the last time you and Sam showed up, drank the entire contents of my booze cabinet and passed out in the field." He hugs you again and backs up towards the door, "You're lucky I dragged your asses in here instead of letting you wake up a few fingers short."

“My fingers are grateful.” You laugh, and wiggle them a little, then add, “My back, not so much.”

“Goodnight, marshmallow.”

“Goodnight Clint.”

You wait till he leaves before letting the smile slide right off your face, exhaustion tugging on your bones with weary determination that you're almost grateful for. It means, if nothing else, that sleep might come easy and the pain might subside even for a few hours. You change into the clothes Clint loaned you, sweats and an old S.H.I.E.L.D t-shirt, and dump your stuff on the chair. You fish your phone out of your pocket to send Sam a quick text but realise the battery is dead. Well, if you weren't in trouble before, you sure are now. Tomorrow's problem, you suppose, before sliding into the lavender fresh bed and curling up on your side. Counting your blinks and willing the day to end, desperately trying not to notice how much you miss his scent on your sheets.

When sleep finds you, it comes armed with weapons of anguish laden eyes or the defeated sigh of your name, and your heart tears itself in two when the sighs turn silent. It's a punishment, you think, when you wake that morning no longer sure if you can stand to lose him from your dreams, too. You’ve lost most of the skin around your thumb nail by the time you work up the energy to go to the house, the blood that leaks out of the worried away skin is like a physical representation of your heart. You hate it.

You don’t.

The kitchen is unusually silent when you enter and you wonder how long you spent avoiding leaving your bed when you spot Clint at the counter, eating happily, but horribly, from his bowl. He smiles and tips his spoon, then tips it towards the empty bowl and cereal packets waiting on the counter for you. A cereal buffet.

“Mornin’,” you say, pouring out the sugariest one you can find, “Is that...is that all the cereals in one bowl?”

“Yup,” he grins, “Laura and the kids are away to swim in the lake, so I get to do this.” He scoops a mishmash onto his spoon and has the indecency to enjoy it. Disgusting.

“That is… honestly, I don’t even have words.” You do everything you can not to stare at the grey looking milk that is swirling around in his house of horrors of a bowl.

He fills in the silence with some nonsense, a little laughter and a tale or two about the kids, letting you shake off the sleep, and the dreams, and finish your cereal before he pops the bubble. You love him for it, and hate him for it. A theme, it seems.

“So…” He begins, eyebrows raised in a little ‘tell me’ motion.

“So,” you say, and nothing more.

“Steve called.” That didn’t take long.

“Of course he did.”

“He was worried.” He says, and then adds, not unkindly, “Sam was, too. Apparently, you left without any heads up.”

You huff, “Well, I’m grown. I do what I want.” You throw in a pout for good measure.

“And that means you couldn’t reply to a text?”

You tuck your shoulders at that. “I, uh, didn’t exactly bring a charger.” You hold out the offending item and he sighs, but says nothing, simply takes your phone from you and plugs it into a waiting wire beside him.

“Right.” He waits, knowing your little pout is for show, until the scowl slips into something else. “You wanna tell me about him.”

And so you do, how much you hated him, and then how much you wanted to hate him, and then how much you didn’t hate him at all.

He lets you pour it all out, lets you drain every last drop of guilt and whisper every unchecked secret, the words burst from within that pressure cooker inside your chest. It hurts so much to bare yourself like this that you expect to look down and see blood seeping from a hole in your chest. Instead, you see only granite countertops and blurry hands.

"So, I ended it." You say, flattening your hands on your knees so you don't have to see them shake, see the physical manifestation of your very bad decision making. "It's for the best."

"Is it?" Clint asks plainly. "For him, or for you?"

"What do you mean?" You frown, his words making the hairs on your arms stand up, your body one step ahead as your mind fights to catch up.

"Ok kid, I'm gonna level with you, yeah?" He fixes you with a look that feels very Dad-Like and you bite back a little smile, despite the heavy tone. "I don't think it's a coincidence that you came here, to me, the only other person who might have the slightest inkling what it might feel like being under someone else's control."

"I…," You begin, and then snap your mouth closed as the words settle over you. Was he right? Was it intentional, you wonder, to seek out Clint? No, no...

"You just live the furthest away." You scoff, but not with much luster, doubt creeping in over that wallowing fog.

"You're not running away, kid." He says, confidently, "You're looking for answers."

You consider that for a moment, wonder if there was some remaining strand of hope left in the burnt out tapestry of your want, but you know that even that strand is not enough.

"There are no answers you can give that will fix this." You say sadly, resolutely.

"Why don't you try me?" He offers, reaching out to stop your hands from worrying away the skin around your nails again. Something you hadn't even noticed you were doing.

"I don't think I have any questions?" Even to your own ears, you don’t sound sure. He simply looks at you a little longer, waiting. “Fine, maybe...maybe, just one.” He nods for you to continue. “How did you face Nat, you know, after Loki?”

“After I tried to kill her, you mean?” He supplies helpfully, face graced with that confident little smirk that never really leaves, refusing to balk at it like any sane person should.

“Well...yeah.” You admit, trying not to cringe at your cavalier questioning. This was his idea, after all.

“I didn’t.” He says, “Not at first anyway, but you know Nat, stubborn as hell and she just outright refused to let me have a pity party.” He laughs, “Monsters and magic, she said to me, we weren’t trained for that. And she was right, nobody is prepared for what we went through, or what he went through.”

It’s true, there’s nothing in the world that can prepare you for something like that, so how can anyone expect a how-to guide on getting over it. Or at least, working through it. You doubt there is a therapist in the world that has much insight on these particular demons, god knows they had enough trouble with yours.

You think about Clint now, about how very much a team he and Nat are, even within the team itself. It’s like it never happened.

“But don’t you think about it, that day, when you see her?” You ask, subconsciously zeroing in on what you really want to know. There’s something there, you know it, but you're not sure what it is yet.

“No, not anymore. Maybe initially, but I did the work. Laura helped me work through it, so did Nat.” He looks at you intently, like he just figured something out, frowns a little and tilts his head. “Do you?”

“Do I what?” You ask, watching his puppy dog tilt with confusion.

“Do you think about that when you see him?” Oh. Oh, that.

“No.” You answer honestly, “Not for a while.” It’s the truth. The soldier and Bucky feel so far apart from each other it’s like they’ve never even met. And they haven’t really, you think. One existed exactly over the top of the other.

“So seeing him, being with him, it doesn’t take you back to that time?” He asks, and it feels like he’s getting at something or putting puzzle pieces together the way he words the question, but it’s inherently still the same one he asked.

“No... I mean, it did, of course it did, for a long time. But, like you, I did the work.”

It doesn’t even occur to you what Clint is getting at, as you sit there sifting through what he said and how it overlaps with what you know. So when he asks, your heart suspends in place, simply stopping in between beats like there was a limit and you’ve simply reached it.

“Then tell me, why are you so sure he does?”

“He still has nightmares about me, Clint.” You point out, the fear in his eyes still fresh in your mind, like a brand on your soul you’ll never be rid of. Another stain, another scar. The final matching one.

“He has one bad dream in the what, months, you’ve been together and you think you know what he needs?” You blink stupidly at him, feeling the pit in your stomach extend just a few more inches, digging itself further into your soul. “Look, kid, if you had come here and told me you didn’t feel a certain way about him, I’d be behind you 100%. But you’re denying yourself something here. Is it complicated? Fuck yes. Look at your life, what part isn’t?”

Complicated, ha! The blood in your vein sings angrily at the notion, that you weren’t over here tearing yourself in two just to protect Bucky from himself, from you. That it wasn’t bigger than complicated. Your feelings, whatever they were, they didn’t matter. What was so difficult to understand in that? It’s exactly the reason you were here and not with Sam, although that decision is becoming stupider by the moment.

You start to shake your head, ready to say much of the same to Clint when he holds up a hand, not in surrender but to continue.

“You asked what I see when I look at Nat, now. Well, I see movie nights, and Sal’s pizza, and pissing off Tony and every other memory we’ve made together since then. Isn’t that what you see when you look at Bucky?”

Like a prayer, his name conjures his image in your mind, those smiling ocean eyes, the kind tilt to his smile, the shape of his mouth when he says your name. Not even the ghost of the Soldier hovers. You blink back the tears that are threatening to escape your eyes and answer honestly. “Yes…”

“I’m willing to bet that’s what he sees too.” He smiles at you, sad and sorry. “I remember just after I got back from New York, I had this whole thing about everything being my choice. You know, what missions I went on, when I went on them, what I had to eat - Laura was a saint with that one. There’s just something about it, not being in control of yourself, that unsettles your whole being, right, that every choice I made felt like I was taking something back from Loki. Like I was fighting back even though there was nothing to fight against.”

You reach out and squeeze his hand, his words dropping like stones in your chest, each one adding to that growing feeling, that one you can’t or won’t name.

“So, if this is about him, about protecting him or whatever it is you think you are doing...don’t. Don’t take that choice from him.”

The stones turn to boulders, drag down in your gut and pull till you might tear at the seams, pull and pull till your nerves are screaming with all that guilt, again, that you carry around and the unending pain that follows it. You knew what it was like, you knew, and yet Clint was right, you’d stolen his choices just like they had, when all he’d ever done was give you them.

“Just answer this, okay?”

You nod, but you already know what he’s going to ask and you can’t answer him, don’t know how to. Your whole being is centered around this part of you, this shadowed pain that makes up half of your personality. Who were you if not the half broken remains from behind the green door? How can you possibly move past it enough to...feel that way?

“Do you love him?”

No, you don’t love. You can’t. You like him? Sure. You want him? Absolutely. But love? Unattainable. The ghost of him is there again, sudden and solid, looking at you the way he does, grazing his lips along your cheek that way he does, the gentlest of hands holding you that way he does, loving you that way he does.

Because he does. He loves you and it's awful and terrifying and euphoric. Suddenly, you can’t stand another minute of this war with yourself, with him, with everyone. The fight was always pointless anyway, you’d lost long ago on the dirty floor of a gym where secrets sprouted from pain and bloomed into hope. The boulders grow wings and they lift, letting your chest fill up with that fear and euphoria, shaking off the shackles of your guilt for the last time. You have your choices, so he should have his, right?

There they are, those damned butterflies. “Yes.”

Clint smiles, knew the answer the second he laid eyes on your weary face yesterday. “Then let him love you back.”

TAGS: @manawhaat @theashhole @captainrogerss @higherfurtherfasterbby @peculiar-persephone @captain-rogers-beard @chrisevansnco @howlingbarnes @poealsobucky @samingtonwilson @vintagevalentinexx @abovethesmokestacks @imhereforbvcky @avengerofyourheart @stormy-thomas @danijimenezv @angelicthor @betheboo55 @palaiasaurus64 @raxacoricofallapatoriuspotter @johnmurphys-sass @katbird787 @sexyvixen7 @jobean12-blog @justreadingfics @justareader @smoothdogsgirl @theliarone @aikibriarrose @timeladylaurel @badassbakers @earinafae @crushed-pink-petals-writes @tardis-is-mine @httpmcrvel @bucky2-0 @mocking-rain @sociallyimpairedme @jezzula @bless-my-demons @ign-is @indominusregina @-supernatural-coffee-llama @alwayshave-faith @shifutheshihtzu @mizzzpink @yknott81 @haven-in-writing @xtina2191 @reniescarlett @notsoprettykitty @wickedwerewolf @ayeputita @tatalopes23 @pineapplebooboo @mizzezm @thefridgeismybestie @memory-of-a-goldfish @supernatural-girl97 @standing-onthe-edge @ruinerofcheese @mysweetcookie99

#through his eyes #kale writes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #winter soldier x reader #marvel fanfic

313 notes · View notes

mythvoiced · 3 years

Note

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF THE MOST WONDERFUL, AMAZING, OUTSTANDING, BRILLIANT, RESPECTFUL, ENCOURAGING, ENTHUSIASTIC (INSERT ALL THE POSITIVE ADJECTIVES HERE) I'VE EVER MET --- YOU!!!

There are simply not enough words to let you know how?? Happy I am to have the opportunity to celebrate this special day, I am ABSOLUTELY BLESSED to know such a sweet and thoughtful soul like you and forever GRATEFUL to have you as a friend and a writing partner.

I hope you have such a fantastic day, in the company of those you love and cherish; I hope it's full of joyful moments and reasons that make you smile; I hope you receive lots of love and affection, NOT JUST TODAY, BUT ALWAYS; because you deserve all the great things the world has to offer, if not more!!!

I also hope that this new year for you is FULL of formidable experiences, heartwarming lessons, beautiful moments and thrilling events; I hope all your dreams and goals come true!!!

Thank you for being you, for being so welcoming, for being such an inspiration, for allowing me to be part of your wondrous world (I have a one-way ticket, I'M STAYING HERE, I'LL BE IN LENA'S WORLD FOR AS LONG AS LENA ALLOWS ME--) aND FOR JUST?? EVERYTHING.

Super excited to continue creating things together and talking endlessly about anything and everything. I ADORE YOU AND LOVE YOU LOTS!!!

ALL THE HUGS, ALL MY HEART FOR YOU;

Alex.

Okay so I ACTUALLY had sworn to myself that I wouldn’t touch my inbox until I finished my abouts, because if I did start working on multiple things at once I’d never finish any of them, BUT I COULDN’T. I COULDN’T NOT IN THIS CASE, I JUST COULDN’T? I couldn’t because I literally started tearing up at this and not in a funny way but more like I don’t deserve any piece of this in any way, BUT IN A WAY THAT I’M REFUSING IT OR IN A SELF-LOATING, SELF-PITYING, BUT THAT IT’S SIMPLY more kindness than one should genuinely be allowed to take from someone who IS SO INCREDIBLE LIKE ALEX.

THANK YOU SO MUCH ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; FOR TAKING TIME OUT OF YOUR DAY TO POP IN, FOR SAYING ALL THESE THINGS, FOR JUST BEING YOU, MY FAVOURITE QUOKKA, FOR THIS ADORA EDIT THAT MADE ME WEEP BC

like, I don’t know, I saw it and almost full on cried, LIKE you took the time to do that, YOU TOOK ADORA we’ve never talked of SPOP which means it’s because I used her at one point AND IT’S JUST, THAT YOU’D REMEMBER, AND CHOOSE A PIC, FOR THIS, FOR ME, AND I JUST WISH YOU ALL THE SAME, I AM BLESSED TO BE YOUR FRIEND TO HAVE YOU AS A FRIEND, TO BE ALLOWED INTO THE WONDROUS WORLD OF ALEX (BECAUSE I HAVE A ONE-WAY TICKET TOO AND I WILL NOT RETURN IT, not even Death can grab it out of THESE PUPPER PAWS-)

If I shall have a fantastic day (AND IT’S LOOKING GOOD SO FAR) IT SHALL ALSO BE BECAUSE OF YOU, BECAUSE OF THESE MESSAGES, BECAUSE EVERY BIT OF ALEX IS!! JUST! And I hope to have a new year in which I won’t ever disappoint this perception you have of me, I WILL FIGHT TO NOT MAKE YOU REGRET WISHING ME GOOD THINGS OR THINKING GOOD THINGS OF ME, THANK YOU SO MUCH, I’M SUPER EXCITED FOR CREATING NEW THINGS AND TALKING OF OLD, AND ANYTHING ELSE HEADED OUR WAY, I’LL ALWAYS BE DELIGHTED TO MAKE GOOD USE OF MY SUBSCRIPTION TO ALL THINGS ALEX ♥

#;ooc #theimpalpable #SCREW MY BIRTHDAY PLEASE STAN ALEX??? PL E A SE???? I'M LITERALLY ABOUT TO SET FIRE TO ROME AGAIN OR SOMETHING #not that i've done it before and frankly I have opinions on Nero was it him? I'M DERAILING BUT I'M JUST OVER THE MOON #AND FULL OF LOVE AND I'M POSTING THIS ON PURPOSE TO EXPOSE ALEX FOR HER WONDERFUL HEART THIS IS ALL THIS IS FOR #I'M EXPOSING ALEX FOR BEING AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND INCREDIBLE AND THANK YOU #i'm gonna cry i'm genuinely gonna cry I'M GONNA SAVE THAT EDIT I WON'T GIVE IT BACK WHAT THE HECK

5 notes · View notes

bearpawtronus · 3 years

Text

I don't think jkr knows shit about losing a loved one. all her talk about george "never being the same" and never being able to produce a patronus after fred dies is absolute bs

no, you're not the same. not in some ways. but that doesn't mean you can't move on and become your own person again.

fred and george did everything together, that's true. and he would mourn and he would feel like he loat part of himself, because in a way he did.

but humans are resilient.

george is a strong person and he has a tight-knit family that he loves more than anything and he has friends and he has angelina, and later he has children, and fred will always live in his memory and yes, he'll have moments where the pain is just too much and he won't know if he can go on anymore...

but he moved on and healed enough to name his child fred.

I refuse to believe he wallowed in misery for the rest of his life. that's absolutely the last thing fred would have wanted him to do.

they may have been inseparable, but there's a process to mourning, and no- he wouldn't have been the same for a long time. for years, he would have covered all the mirrors in his house with sheets. he would have locked the door to the shop and sat down with a bottle of firewhiskey and cried into his glass until the world spun and the pain numbed.

but...

he healed.

he really did heal.

it took time. lots of time. but mourning and grieving is a process, and he refused to just give up. he would keep going and find happiness in other places and he would honor fred's chaotic legacy in the best possible way, by reopening the shop and clearing out fred's old room and only stopping to cry a handful of times.... and he would tell his kids about their uncle and all the crazy pranks they used to pull.

he spent lots of time with ginny and with ron and with charlie and bill... and even percy. he married angelina and had children he was immeasurably proud of and who he loved with every single part of himself. and he loved them even more in place of their uncle.

it took time, but wounds heal. they really do.

jkr got it wrong. what she says is a load of crap

it doesn't work like that. george is okay, he's happy, and he's looking forward to reuniting with his brother again someday.

#all the feels today folks #jkr is full of shit #in every way #and yes i cried writing this #fred and george weasley #fred and george #harry potter #weasley twins #fred weasley #george weasley #hp

22 notes · View notes

agent-barnes40 · 4 years

Text

The Connection #6

Characters: Caitlyn, Rey, Kylo, Palpatine, Snoke, Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker, Poe Dameron, Leia Organa, Stormtroopers, Armitage Hux, Domaric Quinn, Enric Pride, C3P0.

Relationship: Reylo x OFC

Warnings: Palpatine, minor character death, and another Palpatine warning, We are in tros, expect tears.

The next day, Caitlyn and Kylo were in separate Tie- Whispers. Caitlyn, following Kylo, who had the Sith- Wayfinder hooked up to his navigation system. "Master?"

"Yes?" He grumbled. She sighed and shook her head. "Never mind, Kylo."

"Tell me, Padawan!" Kylo snapped.

"I heard a voice last night, it kept waking me up," Caitlyn mumbled. Kylo's head shot up to glance toward her TIE. "I'm sorry to hear that, we're almost there. I promise."

"What do you think this place is?" Caitlyn quietly asked, seeing the dark planet up ahead. Her head started to scream. Her body jerked, which in turn jerked her TIE.

"Caitlyn?!" Kylo screamed, turning his TIE around so he can watch her TIE.

"Ben... I'm going to fl-loat for a little bit." Caitlyn groaned, closing her eyes and turning off her engine. Kylo flew over there and floated next to her.

"What happened?"

"I don't know, and it felt like someone was trying to rip my mind apart."

"Breath, Caitlyn. We're going to figure it out, okay?" Ben said as his TIE floated next to hers. "Just head to the planet, Kylo."

"I'm not leaving you." Kylo snapped. Eventually, Caitlyn regained her stability and started her TIE again.

They both headed down to the planet, and Caitlyn stumbled, getting out of her TIE. Kylo hurried to grab her and steady her before the two head into the planet.

Caitlyn jumped when she heard an ominous voice ring out around them as they walked the dark hallways.

"At last."

Lightning flashes and the room the two just turned into, and Caitlyn gasped at the giant statues' height that loomed over her.

"Snoke... Trained you well, Ren."

Kylo looked around, putting a hand on Caitlyn's shoulder to steady her. "I killed Snoke. I'll kill you too."

"My boy... I made Snoke." Caitlyn whimpered and gulped, looking around, hearing Snoke's voice start to ring around her.

"I've been every voice you both have ever heard," Snoke said

"Inside your head." A familiar voice rang, and Caitlyn gasped as something inside her broke.

Kylo pulled her along with him as the two looked at Snoke's mangled bodies nearing the origin of the voice.

"The First Order was just the beginning... I will give both of you so much more."

The two of them pass a tank, as Kylo responds. "You'll die first."

"I have died before." The voice rings, and the two stop and turns to the tank and walk close to it. Caitlyn watches as she steps back, in fear.

"The dark side of the force has many abilities; some considered to be..."

Lightning lit the room, and Caitlyn gasped, staring at the mangled man in front of her. The man looked dead, turning to look at her.

"Unnatural." He finished, and Kylo lit his saber and held the blade at the man's throat.

"What could you give me?" Kylo asked, staring at the man.

"Everything."

Caitlyn watched as Kylo tilted his head down before looking up at the man's face.

"A new Empire."

Caitlyn gasped at the ground, shaking as she looked up.

"The might of the Final Order will soon be ready. It will be yours if the two of you do as I ask. Kill the girl! End the Jedi... Finish what your grandfather Vader could not."

Caitlyn watched as Kylo lowered his lightsaber, and his head turned so his eyes would meet hers. "You both will rule the galaxy as the new Emperor and Empress. But, beware... she's not who she says she is."

"Who?" Kylo asked, turning back to the man. The man turned his head to look at Caitlyn.

"Both."

"Kylo, leave us," Caitlyn said, staring at Kylo. Kylo nodded and stepped away, and Caitlyn stepped up to the man and lit her lightsaber, illuminating the two of them in purple light.

"What do you mean? Who am I?" Caitlyn asked, staring at him. The man chuckled.

"Its been a while since I felt energy like yours, Amidala."

~ Rey shivered as she whispered for the Jedi of the past to communicate with her. ~ Kylo and Caitlyn headed back to the fleet, and when Caitlyn landed, she took off for her room.

Kylo and the Knights all looked at each other. "She's okay. She's going to be in conference with someone." ~

Caitlyn crossed her legs and closed her eyes, calling for the force ghost of Anakin Skywalker. "Master Skywalker, please, I need to speak with you. It has something to do with Senator Amidala."

She felt a hand on her shoulder. "What about Padme?"

She opened her eyes and met Anakin's eyes. "This man I met recently told me that I have the same force energy as her, but Senator Amidala didn't use the force. She wasn't a Jedi."

Anakin sat down next to her. "Padme's force energy was strengthened when she was pregnant with Luke and Leia because they are strong with the force."

"I can't be pregnant, Master Skywalker. I-I.." Caitlyn trailed off, suddenly very shy. Anakin laughed and shook his head. "I know. I mean, Padme's energy in the last few months of her pregnancy was way more identifiable..." Anakin trailed off his eyes, scanning her body.

"You're Nabooian, right?" Anakin asked, and Caitlyn nodded. "I'm a Senators daughter. She died when Snoke.."

Anakin put his hand on her shoulder. "Snoke ordered for the Galactic republic to be murdered."

Caitlyn laughed and wiped at her eyes that were filling with tears. "I never got to say goodbye."

"I understand." Anakin patted her shoulder, and Caitlyn laughed, smiling at him. "Thank you." ~ Rey gasped at the words Poe said and clenched her chest. "Caitlyn would've told me."

Poe gave her a look, one that held pure anger. "She's with Kylo Ren. She's always been working for him. We're probably on the list to be the first planet to be blown up."

"No, she wouldn't, Poe!" Rey snapped, and Leia lifted a shaky hand. "Enough!" ~ Caitlyn stood next to Kylo while they were in a meeting. She could hear the whispers of the Stormtroopers flanking the walls.

"Knights of Ren." One whispered, and the other responded. "Ghouls."

Caitlyn shook her head and looked up at Kylo, hearing his mental whispers. "We have a spy in our ranks; they sent a message to the resistance. Whoever the traitor is, they won't stop us, what we've seen on Exegol. The First Order is about to become a true Empire."

Caitlyn nodded and stared at the group of First Order generals. Hux looked at her before looking at Kylo. Kylo finally pipped up. "I sense unease about my appearance, General Hux."

Hux straightened himself before looking back at Kylo. "About the mask? No sir. Well done."

Caitlyn stifled a giggle as others started to pipe in their agreements on the matter.

One man, however, his name rang in Caitlyn's head. Domaric Quinn piped up about Exegol. "Forgive me, sir, but these allies on Exegol.. they sound like a cult. Conjurors and soothsayers."

Caitlyn looked up at Kylo, but before the two could say anything, Enric Pryde answered. "They've conjured legions of Star Destroyers. The Sith fleet will increase our resources 10-1,000fold. Such range and power will correct the error of Starkiller Base."

Another man pipped in, a name Caitlyn couldn't remember. "We'll need to increase recruitments. Harvest more of the galaxy's young."

Quinn looked at the two men before starting to say something. "This fleet, what is it, a gift? What is he asking for in return?"

Caitlyn gulped as she watched as Kylo started to crush Quinn's throat. Kylo looked around at the group. "Prepare to crush any worlds that defy us. My knights, apprentice, and I are going hunting for the scavenger." ~

Poe glanced at the desert planet they were on and then looked at C3P0. "You sure this is it?"

C3P0 nodded. "These are the exact coordinates that Master Luke left behind." ~

Caitlyn sighed as she got into her TIE. "Is this a good idea to go after Rey, Master?"

Kylo looked at her. "We have too. You heard what Palpatine said."

"But... I don't want to hurt her. Master, I love both of you so much and.. and I don't know why." Caitlyn said and gasped at what she said finally surged through her head.

"Get in the TIE and follow, Caitlyn. We'll talk about this later."

#Reylo x OFC #Palpatine is in this #I'm so sorry #WE ARE IN TROS

2 notes · View notes