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nipuni · 10 months

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My dad died yesterday, he was 63

I would like to share a little about him and our story if anyone wants to read, this is not a happy story

My parents divorced when I was three and I went to live with my mom so I saw my dad's life in snapshots, once a week at first and then once a year when he moved abroad and I would spend the summers with him. Every time I would catch up with him he would have a different partner or apartment.

My time with him was always fun, he was laid back, adventurous and open, he would let me do all kinds of crazy stuff while my mom was the strict one. He was a genius to me, he taught me how to program my own games when I was nine, he would make me take computers and appliances apart and reassemble them to teach me how they worked, he made me love science, the outdoors and travelling. He was great at teaching and cooking and driving. He worked on tours for famous musicians as a sound tech, he made 3D films for museums and theme parks when it was all very new, he was a photographer, a programmer, electrician, mechanic, artist and could play many instruments and write poetry!!

The first crack between us was when there was a huge split between my mom's side of the family and his over money and a lot of ugly truths stared coming to light. I realized that when it came to money he was willing to put himself before me and the fights between him and my mom were awful. But in the end once the dust settled we both pretended it never happened.

One weekend I went to visit him and realized his current girlfriend would stick around at last and she had a daughter almost my age!! I now had a little sister and I loved it.

A year later the country fell apart and he fled abroad along with them and even though I missed them I would visit for months at a time every year. I saw him start his life over, he started his own company and I was so proud of him!!

Everything was great for eight years, until one day he told me that my step mom and sister left him and he would sell everything and come back to the country. This was the last time I would ever hear of them, they vanished, I mourned my step sister for years. This was also when his life fell apart.

At 17 adulthood came with a lot of revelations. My mom told me that my dad had been an addict since he was very young, before I was born, my whole life, cocaine and alcohol amongst other things, and everyone around him had been putting up with it and helping him but couldn't take it anymore. He had cheated on her when they had me and had cheated on my step mom too. He would lie to get what he wanted and trusting him was getting increasingly harder.

All of my memories of him were now seen through a different lens. I felt betrayed. I could now tell every time he had been high, and knew where the money he asked of me when to, I was aware of every little lie. I was angry and frustrated at him for the pain he caused my mom and everyone around him. And for squandering the potential I knew he had, for always making the wrong decisions, one mistake after another. And I hated feeling this way the most.

After he came back to the country alone he could never recover, he would relapse, overdose, refuse rehab or any medical help. He would escape psychiatrics facilities and hospitals in the middle of the night, he was a menace!! lmao.

Our relationship was still good despite all this, different but still standing, he had always been my friend even if he wasn't the best at being a dad or partner, I would always scold him and tell him of different job opportunities I came up with for him to try out but now there was this distance between us. I became the parent of the relationship in a way and he didn't like being told what to do. I saw him spiral and I was scared for him.

I've always heard all these stories about addicts finding purpose and fighting for their loved ones, so every time he would jokingly talk to me about how high he was and seemed to enjoy it despite my warnings and pleading it made me feel like I was not enough of a reason to get better, as self centered as it may be I was a teen and I felt powerless to stop him, insignificant. People could get better for their children, but not for me.

I knew this way of thinking was flawed and selfish and he was the one struggling, I knew he was a victim. I spent the last of my teenage years and early twenties trying to fight back this feeling so I could preserve our relationship, we always kept in contact but over time he changed and was no longer the person I knew.

He became a stranger, often times incoherent and delusional, his views changed, he was paranoid, his addiction got worse and worse and now all I could feel was pity and guilt, our once good relationship was now reduced to a few interactions where he would ask me for money, I knew I was possibly funding his self destruction and he was likely lying to me but he also needed to pay for medication and so I couldn't refuse him.

I had my own life now, a husband and plans for the future. When I decided to move abroad a few years ago I knew our hug goodbye could be the last, he was broke and unstable but I thought once I was settled and had a job and a citizenship I could have enough money to get him tickets to visit and show him the life I had made for myself like he had done in my childhood.

But then Covid happened, and he would never agree to make calls. Soon after he was diagnosed with cancer, I would ask about his health and he would say he was fine. He wasn't fine, he was smoking 4 packs a day. He got the cancer removed but refused further treatment, he said he didn't have any purpose left in life and no reasons to keep living, he had a stroke and couldn't feel half his body when he was forcibly hospitalized, his cancer had spread and he hadn't been eating for a long time, he hid all this from me, I first heard it from my aunt in tears over the phone yesterday, he tried to escape the hospital in the night and had to be tied up and sedated, he never woke up.

He died alone, all that is left of his family is me and my aunt and we both live in different countries. There is nobody there to even bury him. I feel like I abandoned him. I've always known I would feel this way when this day came, in a way I've been mourning him for many years and have carried this guilt for even longer.

I had the coolest dad, cocaine took him away. I wish this had a better and uplifting message. I just wanted to get this off my chest. He taught me a lot and made me who I am, and I have a lot of great memories with him. He struggled all of his life with his mental health and despite it all he was still amazing and deserved so much better.

He always said that when he was a ghost he would follow me around, I hope he isl!! so I can live for both of us, I love you dad!! and I'm so sorry 🕯️

#personal #extremely so #tw death #tw drugs #I'm sorry for the depressing post

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lotus-pear · 1 month

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"dazai would princess carry chuuya" "dazai would hold chuuya bridal style" no shutup dazai would pick chuuya up like he's a sopping wet kitten or a sack of potatoes

#its his love language to sling chuuya across his shoulder like a prized trout he just caught #skk height difference comin in clutch when dazai can hoist chuuya off the ground and dangle him in the air #and chuuya can bite and hiss and scream like a cat but his feet won't touch the ground #also sorry for not posting for the past month i got depression🥰#dw i'm back now #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bsd #osamu dazai #dazai osamu #chuuya nakahara #nakahara chuuya #soukoku #skk #lotus draws

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boopicide · 2 months

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i don't wanna die, i just wanna never have existed in the first place.

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nouverx · 3 months

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The thing I love the most about Alastor is that we can't truly know what to think of him, if he is being truly manipulative or if there's a genuine undertone behind any of his words, and that allows people to interpret him differently from one person to another. Like "oh he's being so sweet and supportive", to "no actually he's just saying what people want to hear because he's an evil manipulator". Maybe some fans are being too trustful, just like Charlie, and falling into his lies. BUT maybe there's a true genuine undertone to everything he says, maybe he can be a sweetie behind his evil mask. And maybe he'll turn out redeemable. Or not at all. Who knows?

His character could go in two completely different directions in the next seasons and we have no way of telling how he'll turn out. It's still fully open because he showed he can be awful and evil and manipulative, but since there's been very few hints here and there that he could get attached to the hotel, that means he could be sweet despite all that. The mystery and uncertainty is keeping us thinking and hoping and I LOVE that. He's such a unique and amazingly written character.

On a personal note, I think the two different directions his character could take should coexist. Yes, he's going to be a main villain in the future seasons and betray Charlie and the hotel, yes he's an evil manipulator, BUT he could also get attached to them and show redeemable qualities at the same time. For me it would make the heartbreak even greater and his character even more satisfying.

#text #hazbin hotel #alastor #hazbin alastor #this man is rotating in my brain non stop I needed to get it out of my system #either way I cant wait to see him challenge Charlie's idea of redemption #by being either SUPER hard to redeem or completely impossible to redeem #cant wait for the anguish the pain and the heartbreak he will bring in future seasons ❤#YES I KNOW I havent posted in so long i'm sorry depression and artblock had me on a chokehold #I'll be back with more art I just needed to let out my thoughts about HH

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mercifullymad · 10 months

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i feel passionately about the need to enfold people experiencing (or diagnosed) with "just" depression or anxiety into the mad pride project. the more people who view themselves as mad, the better. much as the rhetorical move from "neurotypical" to "neuroconforming" emphasizes the artifice & social construction of "neurotypicality," so too will expanding identification as "mad" expose the sane/mad dichotomy as a false one.

it's true that (some) people with "just" depression and/or anxiety have an easier time navigating the psych system than people who have more stigmatized diagnoses. but this is not to say that they necessarily have an easy time — the carceral psych system is hostile to everyone subsumed by it, even the most "privileged" patients. we should of course critique & examine how our experiences are shaped by various intersections of privilege, but we cannot forget or ignore how someone with "just" a depression/anxiety diagnosis can still experience the full force of the carceral psych system brought down upon them (including but not limited to involuntary institutionalization, police intervention, & forced medication or other forced treatment).

we must encourage, if not insist, that those with the least-stigmatized diagnoses view their difficult experiences navigating the psych system as bound up with the liberation of people who have more stigmatized diagnoses &, often, a more violent experience of the psych system. we need more people to drop the "i have anxiety/depression but i'm not crazy" line and say loudly, "i have anxiety/depression & i am crazy. my access to just treatment is linked to the conditions of all other crazy people, who are my allies, peers, & friends. we are united in our cause & we all deserve a more liberating system of care."

#mad pride #mad liberation #disability justice #the way that one IG influencer who called depression & anxiety “vanilla” diagnoses has lived rent-free in my mind for the past five years..#i was soooo upset by that for like three years & now i'm like. okay. it is a little funny.#but also i do think that somewhere in the 'destigmatization'/commodification of anxiety/depression (treatment)#we have lost the plot & forgotten that 'just' these experiences on their own can still be deeply distressing & chronic & endangering #& can make people (be viewed as) just as 'crazy' as someone with a more stigmatized diagnosis #& for me personally my experiences of anxiety & depression have been far more disabling than anything else #sorry i keep editing this post to correct typos...story of my life

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horreurscopes · 8 days

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thirty & flirty & thriving / shower drains HATE them

#horreurart #death note #spent an hour slapping some color on this several months old sketch because i really like it but i don't think it's ever getting finished 💀#anyway where's morgan's Mello Is Fine posting. because he is. fine. look at him. he works out #also please note i tried to give mello stubble but i hated it so much i got rid of it. sorry im too much of a lesbian. i'm sure he'd #look properly rugged but i can't pull it off #anyway local hot goth who is aging like milk due to severe substance abuse in his youth + his ethereal elfin boyfriend of confusing gender #because mello is Fine near's hair gets done because in this universe he is not grievously depressed (: it's yaoi so i get to decide the #complex ptsd's been [REDACTED] out of him (it has not)#thanks for coming to my ted talk #meronia #near #mello #near dn #mello dn #mihael keehl #nate river #near death note #mello death note

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madootles · 2 years

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no one is more shocked than me about the fact that I’m back into fma a decade later

#fullmetal alchemist #I'm sorry but it holds up.....#I'm talking about FMA 2003 baby #FMA 2003 4EVER #it's so.....#!!#lowkey depressing as hell but still good #edward elric #he's so fun to draw I will be posting more #best proportions he's so petite lolllll #side note the automail was so fun to draw and color #satisfying #fma03 supremacy :-|#I really like how this turned out honestly v happy #art #automail #FMA #hopefully people will see this even tho it's 5 in the morning I was too impatient to wait to post

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emsterrxo · 1 year

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I can feel it coming, the emptiness taking over, that void demanding it’s due.

#feelings #i'm sad #sad post #sad poem #sad poetry #sadgirl #sad but true #depressing shit #kinda depressing #sorry for being depressing #this is depressing #depressing poem #depressing quotes #depressing life #mindless and empty #i feel empty #rambles into the void #i give up

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userfrieren · 6 months

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fern | sousou no frieren 1.03 - “killing magic”

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a-dragons-journal · 10 months

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Forgive me for showing my fangs a little here instead of being as delicate in phrasing as I usually am, but. Periodic reminder:

sweeping "humans suck, humans are evil, the world would be better off if humans disappeared/had never evolved" statements may be cathartic but they're thoroughly inaccurate (ie, the vast majority of uniquely bad effects of humans on the planet are a) extremely recent, like within the last couple centuries, b) the fault of an extremely small minority not the entire fucking species, and c) fixable)

hating being human isn't the same as hating humans. I get species dysphoria is a thing. I get that it's often hard to fit in as a nonhuman in human social groups and that can make it easy to slip into hating everyone around you. Please fight that instinct

villainizing people for traits they didn't choose, such as the species they were born into, is neither cute nor fair. No species is inherently good or bad

misanthropy is cathartic in short term vents or whatever but genuinely embracing it wholesale as a philosophy is liable to lead to you hating humans, human society, and being in a human body more and more over time and thus make your life worse by constantly reinforcing a thought pattern that makes you angry and upset

you are not immune to being part of human society (translation: just because you're nonhuman doesn't mean you're not included in statements about the effects of the human population on the world, ie "humans are killing the planet")

related, you are not better than humans for being nonhuman. looking at my fellow dragons in particular on this one. I get it, draconic pride is a thing, dragon brain probably says you're the supreme being and all else is beneath you especially anyone who annoys you. Mine does too. Please recognize that is an instinct you are supposed to FIGHT, not something that's TRUE AND THAT YOU SHOULD EMBRACE. Good fucking gods.

some nonhumans are also human (it's me, I'm some nonhumans) and you are making sweeping "humans suck, why would I ever want to be human, all humans do is kill the planet" statements in the presence of people included in those statements, which is insanely rude (and no, you don't get to "but you're different because you're nonhuman" me! you do not get to decide to ignore half of who I am because you don't like it, you do not get to decide I'm not "really" human, and also see the previous bullet point). this goes doubly if you're in a space like a DIscord server where people have expressly stated they're not comfortable being tacitly included in statements like that

saying "but I don't REALLY mean all humans, I just mean the specific ones at fault!" after the fact does not actually change anything if every other thing you say is constantly "humans humans humans" and not the group you're actually referring to, or at the very least doesn't change how it reads to everyone around you

#otherkin #misanthropy #rani talks #rani is biting today sorry #if you want me to dial it back and explain any of this in a calmer tone please ask i will be happy to do so #i'm just. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #sick and fucking tired of seeing 'humans bad' in the otherkin community on a regular basis. ITS ME. IM HUMANS. STOP IT #it's not a constructive mindset!! it's not!! there's no constructive conclusion that can come out of misanthropy as a core philosophy!#all it can lead to is either 'nothing is fixable' which is a recipe for depression #or 'humans should be exterminated' which is GENOCIDAL #and it's fucking ALWAYS accompanied by 'but i'm better because i'm [x] instead har har har' No The Fuck You Are Not #you participate in society exactly the same way a human would #you are exactly as responsible for the effects of humanity on the world as anyone else around you #which is to say not very fucking much!#anyway /tag rant i'm hitting post before i think better of this one

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0l-unreliable · 1 month

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ramblings on twinyard body types

I think if you look at how I draw the foxes and ravens, there is the possibility of misconstruing the reasoning behind their body types as something strictly 'sexy' or 'diverse' or what have you. But I really truly do try to reason out their bodies, and they are sexily diverse because that's just how people are.

The reason I was thinking about this was because of how I draw the Twinyards vs how I see others draw them. It makes me feel like I'm treating non-thin bodies as something to ogle and fetishize for the explicit reason that they are 'larger'. But I draw them that way because to me it makes the most sense for them to look that way. So they are attractive not because they aren't skinny, but because they ARE hot (in my head, everyone has at least one attractive/pretty/wonderful thing about them).

To me, Andrew and Aaron are chubby. Not considering muscle or diet or exercise or whatever, to me their healthy weight is 'chubby' (though this chubbiness can also be linked to their height) like I drew below.

But adding in lifestyle, diet, Exy roles, statistics (with Andrew being The Goalie of all time and Aaron constantly working fluidly with Matt on court) health standards, goddamn feelings about Exy I cannot see them as anything but tiny brick shithouses. They are packed with muscle, they just have to be. Andrew especially. And over that muscle is fat, because that's how real strong bodies look/are and because the Twinyards don't give a shit about being healthy. They drink, smoke, eat like fuck, they don't care! At the end of the day if their body does what it needs to that's a job well done. For freak's sake THREE people had to hold Andrew down at Kathy's show!

And absolutely none of this is to say fat=unhealthy, there is just no way they can be shredded twinks. not to me. Obviously, if that is how you see them I'm not kicking your ass about it, but my early easter post has got me feelin' like a freak who objectifies non-skinny people instead of a freak who objectifies blonde guys.

Anyways muscle Minyards 5-ever 🧡

#all for the game #andrew minyard #aaron minyard #text post #I do put a lot of thought into the bodies i give characters #people who say andrew isn't scary aren't picturing him right im sorry but a five-foot man weighing 120 pounds could NOT do what Andrew does #like believe in the power of being hot and depressed all you want but him being built like a square makes more sense #Andrew 'the shoulders' Minyard isn't a twink I'm sorry

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boopicide · 2 months

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everything fucking sucks<<<<<

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khaire-traveler · 6 months

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You can become so used to the darkness that you mistake it for the light. What feels safe, feels familiar, is not always as it appears to be.

#sorry that this is so ominous #it's more of a vent post i guess #I'm struggling with my depression and PTSD a lot lately #and it's becoming very difficult to deal with #sometimes with mental illness you end up falling into unhealthy cycles of thinking #or you resist the things that are good and healthy for you #I'm struggling a lot with those things right now #where i am just having a very hard time looking at the positives within my situation #but yeah #personal #vent post #vent

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demodraws0606 · 4 months

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Being a q!BBH fan is having to be hit again and again with the fact that no one will ever care about his lore or ever recognise that he is one of the largest roleplayer in the server (non debatable)

#qsmp #q!bbh #q!badboyhalo #bbh #badboyhalo #qsmp fandom neg #tw negative #sorry i really needed to get this off my chest since i'm like going through a rough depression period and like #i also do not want people agreeing with me or like think this is an opening to complain #i really just need positivity rn but i also really need to let off some steam #also the reason i've been posting less is to get away from tumblr for mental health reason #but omg its just #what's the point

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mikesbasementbeets · 2 years

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