#extremely so

[nipuni]

My dad died yesterday, he was 63

I would like to share a little about him and our story if anyone wants to read, this is not a happy story

My parents divorced when I was three and I went to live with my mom so I saw my dad's life in snapshots, once a week at first and then once a year when he moved abroad and I would spend the summers with him. Every time I would catch up with him he would have a different partner or apartment.

My time with him was always fun, he was laid back, adventurous and open, he would let me do all kinds of crazy stuff while my mom was the strict one. He was a genius to me, he taught me how to program my own games when I was nine, he would make me take computers and appliances apart and reassemble them to teach me how they worked, he made me love science, the outdoors and travelling. He was great at teaching and cooking and driving. He worked on tours for famous musicians as a sound tech, he made 3D films for museums and theme parks when it was all very new, he was a photographer, a programmer, electrician, mechanic, artist and could play many instruments and write poetry!!

The first crack between us was when there was a huge split between my mom's side of the family and his over money and a lot of ugly truths stared coming to light. I realized that when it came to money he was willing to put himself before me and the fights between him and my mom were awful. But in the end once the dust settled we both pretended it never happened.

One weekend I went to visit him and realized his current girlfriend would stick around at last and she had a daughter almost my age!! I now had a little sister and I loved it.

A year later the country fell apart and he fled abroad along with them and even though I missed them I would visit for months at a time every year. I saw him start his life over, he started his own company and I was so proud of him!!

Everything was great for eight years, until one day he told me that my step mom and sister left him and he would sell everything and come back to the country. This was the last time I would ever hear of them, they vanished, I mourned my step sister for years. This was also when his life fell apart.

At 17 adulthood came with a lot of revelations. My mom told me that my dad had been an addict since he was very young, before I was born, my whole life, cocaine and alcohol amongst other things, and everyone around him had been putting up with it and helping him but couldn't take it anymore. He had cheated on her when they had me and had cheated on my step mom too. He would lie to get what he wanted and trusting him was getting increasingly harder.

All of my memories of him were now seen through a different lens. I felt betrayed. I could now tell every time he had been high, and knew where the money he asked of me when to, I was aware of every little lie. I was angry and frustrated at him for the pain he caused my mom and everyone around him. And for squandering the potential I knew he had, for always making the wrong decisions, one mistake after another. And I hated feeling this way the most.

After he came back to the country alone he could never recover, he would relapse, overdose, refuse rehab or any medical help. He would escape psychiatrics facilities and hospitals in the middle of the night, he was a menace!! lmao.

Our relationship was still good despite all this, different but still standing, he had always been my friend even if he wasn't the best at being a dad or partner, I would always scold him and tell him of different job opportunities I came up with for him to try out but now there was this distance between us. I became the parent of the relationship in a way and he didn't like being told what to do. I saw him spiral and I was scared for him.

I've always heard all these stories about addicts finding purpose and fighting for their loved ones, so every time he would jokingly talk to me about how high he was and seemed to enjoy it despite my warnings and pleading it made me feel like I was not enough of a reason to get better, as self centered as it may be I was a teen and I felt powerless to stop him, insignificant. People could get better for their children, but not for me.

I knew this way of thinking was flawed and selfish and he was the one struggling, I knew he was a victim. I spent the last of my teenage years and early twenties trying to fight back this feeling so I could preserve our relationship, we always kept in contact but over time he changed and was no longer the person I knew.

He became a stranger, often times incoherent and delusional, his views changed, he was paranoid, his addiction got worse and worse and now all I could feel was pity and guilt, our once good relationship was now reduced to a few interactions where he would ask me for money, I knew I was possibly funding his self destruction and he was likely lying to me but he also needed to pay for medication and so I couldn't refuse him.

I had my own life now, a husband and plans for the future. When I decided to move abroad a few years ago I knew our hug goodbye could be the last, he was broke and unstable but I thought once I was settled and had a job and a citizenship I could have enough money to get him tickets to visit and show him the life I had made for myself like he had done in my childhood.

But then Covid happened, and he would never agree to make calls. Soon after he was diagnosed with cancer, I would ask about his health and he would say he was fine. He wasn't fine, he was smoking 4 packs a day. He got the cancer removed but refused further treatment, he said he didn't have any purpose left in life and no reasons to keep living, he had a stroke and couldn't feel half his body when he was forcibly hospitalized, his cancer had spread and he hadn't been eating for a long time, he hid all this from me, I first heard it from my aunt in tears over the phone yesterday, he tried to escape the hospital in the night and had to be tied up and sedated, he never woke up.

He died alone, all that is left of his family is me and my aunt and we both live in different countries. There is nobody there to even bury him. I feel like I abandoned him. I've always known I would feel this way when this day came, in a way I've been mourning him for many years and have carried this guilt for even longer.

I had the coolest dad, cocaine took him away. I wish this had a better and uplifting message. I just wanted to get this off my chest. He taught me a lot and made me who I am, and I have a lot of great memories with him. He struggled all of his life with his mental health and despite it all he was still amazing and deserved so much better.

He always said that when he was a ghost he would follow me around, I hope he isl!! so I can live for both of us, I love you dad!! and I'm so sorry 🕯️

#personal #extremely so #tw death #tw drugs #I'm sorry for the depressing post

[eddiethehunted]

hhhhhh it’s “severely depressed and trying not to hope for dying in my sleep” hours

#extremely unwell rn #like very. #extremely so

[episims]

Happy pride everyone!

For the last half a year I've worked in a semi-public position and I'm so fucking full of being exposed without getting seen, here's a pride gift for myself:

I'm neurodiverse and goddamn hell it does show.

I'm pansexual and demisexual. It's kinda like wanting to fuck everyone but looking around and finding no one attractive.

I'm married in a happy, long-term monogamous relationship. I also think default monogamy is a social construction that should be exploded.

I'm voluntarily childfree. I absolutely don't feel like explaining to every person hinting that I might still change my mind about how bad gender dysphoria the thought of pregnancy causes.

Talking about gender, the most notable thing about my gender identity is a complete lack of one. Hard to see myself through something that I don't define others by either.

By following and downloading the content I create, you're supporting all of the above 💜

#nonsims #personal #extremely so #i should prob just delete without posting #but to hell with it #i need *one* space #where i can be whatever fuck i am #without people assuming otherwise #no i'm not closeted #but i haven't tattooed 'not straight' on my forehead either #so far that is

[pillowspace]

We crave any doodles you throw at us

#ask #pillowspace art #sundrop #fnaf sun #yes im tagging this #five nights at freddy's security breach #fnafsb #five nights at freddy's #fnaf #sun fnaf #fnaf daycare attendant #fanart #this is very important ok #extremely so

[80shorrorstory]

Me when I've been off my phone for five minutes and theirs nothing new on the ronance tag when I come back:

#ronance #its actually a sign of good mental health to completly rely on non-canon fictional sapphics to make you happy #im very very healthy #extremely so

[rentalboos]

When you meet a genuinely horrible person and then discover they love Thoschei and you kinda want to be a Presence in the fandom again just to piss them off, but at the same time that would require effort and a lot of frustration because the fandom feels technically dead, so you just hope they read your already existing fics instead, and that they some day realize they're yours and that it haunts them forever.

I have 102 of them. The chances aren't too bad.

#personal #extremely so #I'm a petty person did you know #ive not exactly been keeping it a secret

[evansbby]

Pakistani boys are not fuckboys arent they rapist? They have rape culture in the country

GIRL WHAT

#that is absolutely racist 😭😭😭 #extremely so #every country has rape culture UNFORTUNATELY #wtf 😭😭😭😭

[readyplayerziggy]

More vorny thoughts below along with some cum thoughts

You know those images where a girl gets super filled up on cum and it's actively splurting out of her entrance cause she's so full or she's pushing down on her belly to make room for more? Okay so imagine that except it's occuring while she's being vored. Like she's being shoved into a mouth except her gut is just packed end to end with jizz so it just starts getting shoved out of her and depending on where it's going it could actually wind up going straight down the throat of the pred while they're eating her or maybe it's going in someone else while they're being vored at the same time hnjdgnjd

#v/ore #l/ewd #extremely so #I'm very weird okay #just a mumble #I should delete this this is too much even for me

[hoperays-song]

What?

Ash: Johnny, describe your relationship with Ryan in two words.

Johnny, confused: What relationship?

Nooshy, snorting: Sounds accurate to me.

#sing 2 #johnny is starting to regret hanging out with his big sisters #they've been pestering him about ryan for two hours #johnny is oblivious #extremely so #sing nooshy #sing ash #sing johnny #sing rynny #there is currently a betting pool on when johnny and ryan will figure out theyve been dating for months #the shortest time is three months. the longest is 19 years #sing ryan (only mentioned) #johnny and nooshy are siblings

[poneglph]

i think.....peros is possibly....................... a he/she

#i think hes def?? #gender queer... #but i dont think that occurs to him #i mean hes very femme #extremely so #genderfluid.. #sometimes a man. sometimes a woman.

[pixiefms]

also could a kind soul explain the 19 days timeline to me

#i’m lost #extremely so #just pure confusion and vibes #19 days

[earl-grey-love]

Opening my saved edits to see Barbs but getting distracted by my mystery man instead 😔😮‍💨 its hard being a girl

#he's almost as beautiful as Barbs is #the contrast of their popularity is quite high though #like barbs really isnt that popular in the grand scheme #but mystery man? #extremely so #I adore them both so much #just give me five minutes to hold them in my arms #sunny speaks #ship: anything for you dear #ship: mystery man

[c0nsumemy5oul]

I will never get over the fact that I have tumblr celebrities in my notes

#YOU? #You Like MY post? #YOU REBLOG??? #i gush about you to my friends #im surprised at all the attention atp #pleasantly surprised #i will die the day rainbow interacts with my simon snow movie post #because we need a simon snow movie but thats beside the point rn #tumblr celebrities #or just blogs of amazing art and talented writers that for some strange reason follw me #dont get me wrong im flattered #extremely so #by why??? #i <3 u #mutuals are awesome #and they should be added as treatment for depression #depressed? this tumblr mutual liked AND reblogged your post. youre healed now. next! #this is why i love tumblr

[belethlegwen]

I'm curious about questions 9 and 26 :3

Thank you so much for the asks!! I JUST answered 26 in another ask but I appreciate it all the same :3 As for #9:

9 - Favourite OC?

It's Henry. The boy's been with me for over 20 years in many, many, many forms, but always started as a little shipwrecked sailor willing to drag a giant he cared about home with him. Outside of Henry, at the moment... if I have to choose favourites, than I'd say I'm very much pulled toward: - Edmund Miller (The Bravest Man In The Troops) - Commander Peter Martellis (Who desperately needs a nap, my god that poor man) - and Her Grace, Duchess Ais'lyn Lostelle Vogunti of the Vedandi Province, Lieutenant General of His Majesty's Eastern Coastal Watch (who if she were a real person in our world would've conquered it by now, I'm sure).

God, this ask brought such a huge smile to my face even though it ripped my heart out to try and choose favourites. I love all of my dingdongs very dearly (Even Daniel). Thank you for the ask <3 <3

#Asks and Answers #Kendrick is adorable #Jones is such a good reliable straight-man #Wells has a fabulous butt and a mysterious secret #Lionus is such. a. good. person. and also full of mysteries #Devon is my favourite piece of shit #Francine? Hellooooo~ #Fuller and Dawson are stronger and more important to the Watch than they would ever believe of themselves #I adore Daphne and I'm so so so happy she's finally getting on the path to a better life despite what's happened to her #Melanie is doing her best to be there for others and is making so many good steps towards being there for herself too #Proud of that girl and her journey #Extremely so

[staticespace]

Me: I used to go to church, but I don’t anymore. I’m more spiritual than Christian.

Therapist: Oh, what church did you go to?

Me: Seventh Day Adventist

Therapist:

...Oh.

Me:

Yeah.

#look buddy #seventh day adventism is kinda cultish in my experience #extremely so

[koqabear]

personally it wont matter for me bc i do uni online slay but maybe on the weekend? because monday is halloween but some people may be busy idk 🤷‍♀️ also a lot of posts don’t really do well until the next day (in my experience😭) so maybe posting it on halloweve it will do better on the actual day i just ranted i’ll take my leave now

You’re right about that too omg!! cause when I posted take it, it barely got any interaction on the first day I remember being like 😦 “is this what the body wants all over again—“

but look at it now! It’s one of my most popular stories! (with emo boy lurking behind it)

maybe halloweve would be a good idea too, thanks for giving me ur input <3

#this site is just impossible to figure out #my two anons have given me different input.. looks I actually need to make a decision myself #Can you tell I’m indecisive #extremely so #edit anon! #koqabear asks #future fic: insane men <3 #rambles