#I want to see how this child who basically lived in hospitals became an adult who trying navigate life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ravynfyre · 2 years

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rl drama crap. I'm basically being selfish, but I need to get this off my chest...

warning, this is long as shit because drama.

I didn't keep in touch with most of my old high school folks because 1) most of the high school folks treated me like shit when we were there and 2) the ones who were my friends started treating me like shit as an adult, so what's the point. I have new friends now.

There's a couple, tho, that I didn't ghost... one who was a very close friend who underwent a serious brain injury, and is now... basically she's a child stuck in an adult's body. We keep in touch because I'm the only one of us "forever friends" who *did*, and she remembers that. Unfortunately, she also has basically made me her lynchpin of sanity, and it's actually pretty stressful getting mentioned by her all the time for not being available enough, and her jealousy because I *do* have other friends, and the fact that I live close to 4 hours away now means that we haven't actually physically seen each other since before covid. But I suck it up and tend to delete the comments on my posts that are... inflammatory because she literally doesn't understand what she is saying or commenting on? And just soldier on through the jealousy because she's not actually capable of understanding what she is doing to me or why it might suck. It is what it is and we make it work.

There was another friend, though, who was a friend, but... like a peripheral friend? We were in the same friend group, we were close, but we weren't *close* close. We'd comment on each other's FB stuff, but we didn't even chat on FB because we just weren't that close. But we kept an eye out for one another...

right up until he started having a protracted mental health crisis. Part of the crisis involved potentially rehoming his dog, and, if any of all y'all playing the home game here have been paying attention, I do have a soft spot for dogs. So after he got over some furor about a vaguepost about rehoming his dog, he contacted me privately and asked if I could help. I wasn't *actually* looking to bring another dog into my pack right now, but I knew the dog and figured, "I should be a friend and help him out." So we sorted out that, at a minimum, when he had to work out of town for a week coming up, that I would take his dog on for the week to see how that went.

Then he proceeded to string me along for nearly 18 hours: "I'll be there in the afternoon." "Oh, I had something come up, I haven't left yet, but I'm leaving soon." "Oh, still haven't left yet, would you mind staying up late for us?" "Uh, so, this thing happened.." And, eventually, what was supposed to be an afternoon arrival, became him showing up at 9am the next morning... and yes, I stayed up nearly the entire night waiting for him, or at least for an update, because he could never fucking let me know what was going on until *I* poked him. But eventually the dog was dropped off, and the dog's a sweet little guy who is a potted plant with fur, and has slotted into my pack quite well.

So. Dog has been with me for 36 hours. No issues. Dog is sweet. Friend calls me at... 8pm? I think it was? "Can your dogs do without you for about... 5 hours?" uhhhh.... yeah? sure? Why? "Because I'm [two and a half hours away] and I need a ride home from someone or this hospital won't let me leave." JFC, what happened!? Are you okay!? "Oh, I'm *fine*, but my family thinks I'm having a manic thing and that I should check myself into this hospital, but I don't want to do that, so they threatened to call the cops and have me involuntarily taken in if I left without someone supervising me. I'll pay for your gas! I wasn't going to call you because I didn't want to bother you, but no one else I know is available or willing." (not even his own family, although, admittedly, the nearest ones *are* 5 hours fro his location)

....hoo boy. This... this just doesn't sound like the kind of circus I want to involve myself in, but he's a friend, and he's in need, and I'm weak to saying no to people who need help, and especially people I know... so I tell him that I'll be on the road in 15 minutes, and to text me his exact address. And thus, I spend 2.5 hours on the road to arrive at this hospital, to the exact entrance he told me to come to... and I wait. And wait. And wait, until he sends me a photograph of where he is, which is a completely different entrance, all the while insisting that it is the entrance that I am sitting at waiting for him. (how many red flags has this been now?) But I eventually get him loaded up and we hit the road.

Of course, when I stop for fuel, he "forgets" that he promised to pay for fuel, and he's *definitely* in the middle of a significant mental health crisis, so I choose not to pester him. My truck takes a lot of fuel, and this pump only let me do half a tank at a time, so he "remembers" that he was going to cover fuel soon enough that he catches the second half the tank. Then we are back on the road, and he is talking to people about trying to figure out how he is going to make it back "home" from my place (another 2.5-3 hours north of me) and eventually tells his wife that he'll find a greyhound the next day, and I'm like, no. 1) the nearest greyhound depot is an hour north anyway, and 2) I'm not putting a friend on a greyhound for home, MUCH LESS one in the middle of a mental health crisis. That is a recipe for someone getting *shot*. So I tell him that I will just take him all the way back home, either then, or in the morning. We all (him, me, his wife, his parents, his sister, his boss) decide that that is a good plan, and so opt for the next morning. This is when I figure that I will just make it a trip and go see the first friend from up there while I am in town(ish) and just get it all over with at once. (and maybe visit my parents' graves, while I am at it. depending on timing. full trauma trip ftw!)

Next morning, he informs me that his parents are going to meet us halfway because, even though he only paid for half a tank of fuel, it was going to take another full tank (at least) to get him home and me back home, and he really "just couldn't afford that after all". So I resign myself to racking up a couple hundred on one of my credit cards, because, yeah, and I'm very glad that I hadn't messaged brain-injury friend to tell her I was coming up that day, because now I am not. We also decide that I will keep his dog for the time being, because he has to come back this way in a week, so he can get him then, and it will be less hassle dealing with his dog *and* his family right now, and I'm like, cool. That's fine.

Drive him north and get to where we are meeting his folks at less than a minute before they pull in, so win and pie. They buy us all lunch (and PIE, so it literally *was* win and pie!), and he... wanders off a few times during the meal, wherein his parents grill me on his state. I agree that he is in the middle of a mental health crisis, but that no one can legally commit him involuntarily because he is not actually a danger to himself or anyone else. That's my professional, paramedic opinion. That he needs a stable, *familiar* environment, and he needs to talk to his therapist, pronto. Mom is not happy; she was hoping that I would agree to commit him. Sorry, can't do it in my state. Maybe things are less strict in yours, but not here. Then she asks if I could "take him on for a while."

No. Just no. He is NOT my responsibility, and I do not have room in my tiny house, and do not have enough mental health, myself, to deal with his issues. No. Sorry, but no fucking way. I have his dog. He needs his family and his therapist, and this is not my fucking circus. (Said much more politely, of course, but I was firm.) Se's disappointed, but agrees that my 900 square foot farm bungalow probably wasn't a good place for him. Fortunately SHE and her husband remember to cover my fuel, because HE "forgets" for a third time, so at least I'm not going into debt over this fiasco. He loads his stuff in their car, and we part ways.

Three days later, I leave for horse camp. Something I told him, his family, and his wife, *multiple times* that I would be completely out of contact for. And in that 10 days, I got roughly 8 requests to facetime with him so he could see his dog. The dog that was staying with my farmsitters while I was in another state. And each time, "oh yeah. I knew that. Okay." and ten hours later, another fucking request. That whole trip ended up NOT being the vacation that it was supposed to be, and he really did not help.

Get back and radio silence from him for two days... which was odd as we were *supposed* to talk about him getting his dog as soon as I got back. Then his *wife* contacts me. He's radio silent because he's *in jail*. For assaulting her - IN FRONT OF HER KID. She wants to make sure that I will "be there for him".

Not to sound like a shitbag, but... I will be there for him inasmuch as I *can*, however, HE IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY, and I am NOT a mental health provider. I am NOT going to "take him on." I am NOT going to invite him into my home, especially now that he has resorted to violence with someone. Yeah, I'll talk to him, but I ain't no shrink, and I have my OWN issues - involving a major emergency that resulted in the death of my new beloved mule, so I was pretty fucked up (and sick as shit with what turned out to be covid, to boot) too... so...

Yeah, I'm selfish. I'm not going to race to another state again and leave my farm in the lurch to hold someone's hand who HAS mental health resources, just because I did it once for an emergency. ESPECIALLY not a domestic abuser. Sorry, not sorry. I'm not going to prison for defending myself. Or my dogs.

I explain gently that I'll do what I can, but, honestly, she needs to worry about herself and her mental health, rather than his right now. That SHE is the victim, and I'll take care of his dog for however long that takes, even if it's forever... but I'm not leaving my home right now. Okay. cool. We're solid.

Then the day of the mule emergency, he pesters me several times to "see his dog", and when I tell him that I can't, as I am literally in the middle of an extreme emergency, he says that he's "only a couple hours away, he'll leave right away to help me." Y'know what? That's sweet, but no. DO NOT COME DOWN HERE. He can't actually help me, and having him around will make it so much worse. So he finally concedes and stays home, which is good, because he has a court date in two days anyway!

I don't hear about how the court date goes. He's radio silent again. I'm assuming he's getting evaluated or something. Honestly, my mule is dead, I'm sick with covid, and I do not give a fuck. I try to move on with life, which is fucking hard, and I still have a hard time NOW dragging out of bed, because I failed Ranger, and that whole 20 hour mess was just so terrible. But on we go.

A week or so later, he starts messaging me again, agitating for a "video call" so he can see his dog, and, despite the fact that I do NOT "video chat" with ANYONE, I finally relent, because, dog. I can grok that. That was a couple nights ago, and he opens the chat with him, shirtless, in bed.

Uh, no. Sorry. But I'm not comfortable with that. So I promptly get down on the floor and keep the camera aimed at his dog so he can get his dog fix, and so I don't have to see him shirtless in bed. Eventually, he keeps the camera on his end aimed off somewhere that isn't even his face, so it's easier for me, but that was mainly, I think, because he just got lazy about holding his phone. Then toward the end of the call, "Can we make this a regular thing?"

PANIC!

Uhh... I'll try, but I really don't talk on the phone much, and I do not do video chatting at all. But I'll try what I can, so you can see your dog. Okay, cool, and then he goes off on a rant about his wife and his family, that included chestnuts to the effect of: "I know that my wife was well within her rights to file a police report as a *victim*, but she didn't really think about what that would do to *me*." And: "My parents were apparently there that night, and they *urged* her to file a report as a victim, in the hopes that I would end up getting taken to the hospital, since I won't go willingly. And it makes me really mad that they didn't even either know, are care about the fact that doing so could have, or might even still *could* result in 30 days of jail time for me! (You know, for physically assaulting his wife.) Just to get me into the hospital!"

And he is saying this shit without even the slightest understanding that, mental health crisis or no, HE IS NOT THE VICTIM HERE, and his opinions about his care and feeding stopped having any relevance the moment his hand contacted his wife's body. But I managed to not go off on him about his victim blaming, responsibility ducking bullshit. I should have just let loose, though, I think. But "he's my friend" and "I should be more supportive"... or something, I guess.

Okay. Tonight, at 8:15, he messages me out of the blue, "Can we chat tonight? 8:30?"

No. Fuck you, no. I do not video chat, and I need to work myself up to that. I don't even answer the NON-video phone for unexpected calls, except from, like, three people. I'm sorry. I'm selfish. But I do NOT handle sudden changes in my plans well, even if that change is from "computer screw off time" to "chatting with someone I know". I know I'm a shitty person for that, but, seriously, no. I had a fucking micro panic attack when he asked me that, and had to spend some time calming myself down before I could coherently message him back that, no, tonight wasn't good, but tomorrow would work. He was very disappointed but agreed for tomorrow night. It's in his "calendar" so he doesn't forget. Okay, whatever. So now I have 24 hours to work myself up to do another fucking video chat, and it'll be interesting to see what he shows up in this time.

But I swear to dog that if he goes off on that "what about MEEEE?!" shit again, I am not going to suck it up. I am going to have a come to chuthullu moment with him, because, no. Unless your spouse is trying to murder you, or is spouting nazi rhetoric, THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICALLY ASSAULTING YOUR PARTNER. Or your friend. Or who the fuck ever.

And I feel partially responsible, because if I *had* urged his folks to commit him involuntarily, maybe he wouldn't have been out to assault her. Maybe he would have gotten the whatever he needed. He'd at least have been forced to take his fucking meds correctly for a few days. That couldn't have done anything but help.

But I'm really fucking regretting *ever* having answered him, right from the beginning, when it started with his dog. The dog is great. Little bit of a pain in my ass, since it's another body to deal with, but he's harmless and sweet and only a *tiny* bit of a pest. But if I had just ignored that ask, or said no, then maybe my friend would not have dragged me into his fucking circus that I feel somewhat trapped in now... and I really doubt that he would have called me at night to drive to another state to pick him up, thus cementing me as the "first among all of his circle of friends". I don't WANT to be first. I don't even want to be in that circle, to be honest. I get enough pressure to perform from my brain-injured friend. I don't need another fucking person pouring the foundation of their mental health upon the pilings of MY availability and attention! And yes, I know that makes me a shitty friend and a shitty person, but I can't. I just can't.

And there's a big part of me that just kinda wonders... we weren't this close of friends before. Not when I burned my house down. Not when I got a divorce. Not when my dad died. Not when I was injured and had to give up my DREAM. Not when my mom died. I only got an invitation to his wedding because our whole friend group got an invitation, not because of any other perceived or actual connection. We were never *this close*... until he needed someone and no one else would do it.

the firefighter part of me enjoys being the person people turn to for help. but there's a difference between asking for help, and taking advantage of... and i just keep trying to remember that, in the event of an emergency, you should always secure your own oxygen mask before assisting with anyone else's.

even if that makes me the shittiest person in the world.

#tw bipolar disorder #tw mental health crisis #cw bipolar disorder #cw mental health crisis #selfish bullshit and introspective musings #yes i know i suck but i have my own issues to deal with too

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ryuichirou · 3 years

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Lord God Savior of All Ryu, I ask for but one noble request. lol i just wanna see all your AUs. Like, I always here about them in replies and stuff but I've almost never seen what they actually look like. So if you could just tag pics of them or doodle (they can be super bad 30 sec doodles too, it don't matter to me) them, I would be the happiest, most joyful little shit ever.

Anon!! Thank you for being so interested in our AUs and wanting to learn more about them. It was a very good excuse for us to go through the list of the AUs, doodle them, revisit some of the older ones, etc. So yeah, your wish is granted lol

Here’s the majority of them, we decided not to include those that we’ve barely talked about and thought out... I’ve put tags for those AUs where we have at least something posted. Most of them are something we haven’t even talked about at all and they don’t have a single sketch, but I liked drawing chibis for them way too much. Sorry, I used your ask lol

We have a general tag for our aus and specific ones for some of them, but sometimes an au from here is not tagged separately, so you might have to use this general tag...I tried to fix it, I don’t think I missed anything, so it should be ok now! ;w;

1. Space AU. It’s a story about a space expedition.. which turned out to be not exactly what everyone planned thanks to Erwin. What a commander!

2. Tribal AU. It’s a story about Eren becoming a part of the tribe where Erwin and Levi live.

3. Babysitter AU. Levi is a babysitter to Eren and Zeke, unfortunately for Zeke, who’s 17 and not exactly thrilled about being babied. Sometimes there’s kid Erwin too. We’ve never posted anything related to this AU, I think, and I don’t think we will. There’s another AU related to this one, but 19yo Eren from the paths (he has the memory of the manga events) keeps kid Eren company as an invisible ghost, while others think that kid Eren is cursed or something.

4. SnK AU. A classical one, where Eren has dreams about the plot of SnK, but when the story stops progressing, he decides to kidnap Levi to make the plot go on. Erwin finds out later... and keeps Levi in the basement because he wants to know the ending too lmao plus it’s hot.

5. Mines AU. Erwin gathered a team for his wonderful plan to find a treasure, but it’s not like the rest of the team needs to know where they’re really going. Zeke’s particularly terrified to find that out. Despite its name, they spend the majority of time in the forest. Also, there’s a timeskip of 11 years.

6. AU with Neetwin who’s a history teacher. We don’t tag this one though, it’s not like it’s our AU. So now it’s a Neetwin tag, although one of the drawings is with adult Levi... eh, who cares.

7. CC AU (cleaning company). Levi works in a cleaning company and cleans up Neetwin and hobo Eren’s apts. They need a lot of work. Yes, they make their apts even dirtier to make Levi spend more time there.

8. Prison AU. Damn this one is good... we came up with it before reading the timeskip in the manga, so Eren’s appearance doesn’t really match his age, he’s 17 lol Levi is a mafia member who goes to prison because he need to kill one of the inmates (who later became Zeke) on Erwin’s (Levi’s boss) request. Eren’s his personal guard, although Eren works as a regular guard too.

9. King Kong AU. It’s an AU where the Beast Titan is King Kong lmao Zeke is having fun killing dinosaurs... Levi, not so much. Thank Erwin for his wonderful plan of going to this island.

10. Rus AU, basically just characters living in Russia. Because ofc we will have this type of a setting... Damn, I thought we drew this one more often, huh.

11. Sea AU. Mainly our modern AU, we use it as a base for other modern stuff for the most part. Levi’s getting two boifrond rings, he lives with Erwin, Eren visits them often, Zeke bitches a lot, fun times with and without Zeke, stuff like that. There’s also a subplot (11.5) where Eren gets “kidnapped” by a witch, so Zevi have to find him and bring him back. Titans exist in this AU, Eren and Zeke are titans, and all of them have military training, but Erwin and Levi retired some time ago. We don’t have a tag for just a modern setting, though.

12. Cult AU. Eren lives on a farm and has a whole village of his followers. He also has cursed animals... and I think we’ve told about some of the plot points in replies. Erwin’s really into all this cult stuff because it affects reality for real, so he asks Levi to follow rituals, although Levi came to ask Eren to go back to normal life and finish the fucking school.

13. Serial killer AU. Eren’s a serial killer, duh. Never posted anything with this one, unfortunately, but Eren got disappointed in the police when he was a child, so he decided to fix the situation himself, while Erwin and Levi, as a part of a special department, investigate his “fixing”. It also has a time skip. I really need to redraw at least one sketch...

14. Hospital AU. Levi gets into Marley trying to make Eren go back, but it’s not that simple because Eren doesn’t want to lol Basically canonverse with this small change.

15. Hobo AU. Eren and Levi are hobos, Zeke wants his brother to stop living under a fucking bridge. Later Erwin takes both of them under his roof because he really likes Levi, but he can’t leave Eren alone.

16. Doggies AU. AU where Eren’s a wolf and Erwin’s a doggo. Levi got Erwin because he was a retiring trained dog and sniffed enough drugs in his life, and Eren... his “owner” found him on the streets and lied to Levi about Eren being a dog. Later Eren turned into a magnificent beast and now he doesn’t want to leave. There’s also Zeke, but he belongs to Xavier.

17. AU where Eren wants to become a mangaka. The first post is self-explanatory, although I’d probably make some changes now if I cared enough. There’s also a time skip where Eren ditched his manga and became hobo!Eren. His editor was pissed lol

18. Scolopendra Eren AU. You know the drill, and I’ve talked about the plot in some of the replies.

This post doesn’t show up on the tag for some reason.

19. Ghost Eren AU. I should’ve named it combini AU... Anyway, I’ve talked about this one a lot, although poor Erwin gets neglected a little bit lol it’s hard to compete with a ghost when you’re just a mere stalker... but a very invested one. Eren likes Erwin here, they’re vibing on the same malicious-towards-Levi wave.

20. Shark Eren AU. It’s just for us for funs, Eren’s a shark, and Levi’s there to help him fight depression. Eren later escapes into the sea.

21. Midsommar AU. Levi and Erwin get an invite to go to the village from Yelena, Eren’s a part of a cult who is kinda attracted to one of the newcomers... Such a good movie, we need to draw them properly. Both Yeagerists and Eldians are a part of the cult, they don’t have any specific rules by which I categorised them... Although not all characters are present, and some of them (Jean, I think) are newcomers who will join the cult later. Sorry, I don’t remember much.

22. Silent Hill AU. It started with Erwin peeking into Levi’s apartment, but now there’s Eren too... We haven’t thought out this one, I’m bad with Silent Hill AUs for some reason.

23. House Eren AU. Eren’s a house, and we’ve explained how it works too, so just check out the tag. Levi actually lives there with Erwin, but I don’t remember if we’ve mentioned it or decided to skip this info.

24. Eren pack AU. It’s an AU where Erens of all ages (6 of them, I believe) are a little bit feral, and they have wolf ears and tails, and they live in a specific place and Levi visits them every day and takes care of them. They love Levi. Here’s the only post that survived, and here’s a link for a twitter post which I never got back on tumblr after it got deleted.

25. Trailer AU. The story is about Levi who has to live with Zeke for a month as his slave because Erwin lost him in a game of cards lol To be fair, Erwin lost a lot of money and their whole flat, and Zeke gave them a choice between that and Levi (he’s horny ok), and Levi agreed. Zeke even put Levi on a chain, although Levi doesn’t even try to escape...

26. Flower shop AU. Eren’s a plant, and he brings death to the whole planet. He keeps Levi alive though, as a treat for himself. We’ve explained some of the stuff in the replies.

27. Blair Witch AU. It’s pretty much explained in this post, and if you saw the movie, there’s nothing for me to tell you. Everything that’s different from it is in the post lol

28. Corpse AU. Eren’s a corpse, Levi’s a pathologist who works on difficult and mysterious cases alongside the police. Eren later comes to life along with a couple of other bodies...

29. Antichrist AU. Zevi adopt baby Eren, but Eren’s a fucking satan. He loves Levi, but Zeke... not so much. Zeke loves Eren to death, though. Eren would love to organise that, but first he needs to grow up a little bit. It doesn’t mean that he won’t torture his parents during his journey. And everyone else who interact with them.

30. This one doesn’t have a title, but it’s an AU where kid Eren went missing, and Levi goes into the forest to find him. Levi owns Erwin who’s a good doggo and helps him find Eren. It turns out Eren killed two adult dudes, and he has paths!Eren telling him what to do and how to do it... Paths!Eren has the memory of the canonverse.

31. Zombie apocalypse AU. There’s only one drawing with it though, but basically Levi builds himself a wonderful place to survive the apocalypse, and he keeps Zombie Erwin in the basement in hopes of Hange finding a cure. Then Eren joins just because he can and because Levi’s very awesome. Eren has a boner for the apocalypse and enjoys every second of it.

32. No title, but Eren was casted away from the canon universe for the rumbling, and now he’s a mythological giant wolf who lives in a deep very old forest. He was very surprised to find out Levi exists in this universe... So he kidnapped him ❤️

33. Halloween AU. You’ve seen this one, it’s a story where Jean, Connie, Sasha and Eren get into the wrong house and find a ritual instead of a Halloween party... So after saving the child who, as it turns out, is not really a victim, they decide to ditch him at Eruri’s place.

34. Okusan AU. Levi’s a housewife, Erwin is a cuckold who’s really into adultery. He invites both Zeke and Eren from time to time to act as Levi’s husbands, and they (Levi and Erwin) almost get caught because the “husband” suddenly came home... Sorry, we’ve read too many doujinshis lol

35. Island AU. Erwin loves sending Levi to dangerous places to get souvenirs for himself, and now it’s time for Levi to get a crystal from a very isolated island full of strict rules in terms of interacting with outsiders. We have a cool idea for a two part drawing (like with our flower shop au), but it’ll take us ages to complete anything at this rate... I have like two sketches on Patreon for now, but damn this AU has so many cool visuals we wanna draw... It’s another cult AU with people living on Paradis (more like one village in the middle of the island), isolated from the rest of the world. They don’t welcome strangers, and Levi has three months to find and steal that crystal, although it’s not that simple.

36. Erewan. Not exactly a full AU, but Erewan’s a cursed animal plushie who kills people and loves Levi a lot.

37. Cat AU. Everyone’s a cat (duh). Not really our AU, but it has its own tag, and it’s only asks.

38. Tiny founder Eren AU?? Again, not really our AU, but now it has its own tag.

I’ve also found the reply where I talk about how characters’ relationships work in some of the AUs, you can check it out too. I thought it was fitting for a master post.

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sonderrow · 2 years

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A journal entry. (01/??)

The first time was pretty awkward. Judgmental people will say it was to bring attention. Close-minded people will say it is impossible for a kid that age. Snowflakes will barge in with some theory on child psychology and not matter about me being just one case. I don’t know, my number one motivation was about drawing reactions, maybe, or my own curiosity. A child’s mind is weird, I don’t think I can really rationalize what happened.

Why am I here ? Why am I doing this ? Every once in a while, I believe it is normal for someone young to ask themselves this. What I believe is unusual is when this question eats you to the core. You become empty, cannot eat, cannot find any emotion in anything you do, because your life is redoing the same thing over and over again and you have no idea why you’re doing this. On top of my little seven years of living, most of my peers were comfortable trusting adults who told them that things like school were important (I say so like this, but really, thinking back, I do believe having a basic education is important, if one is not convinced of the utility of the taught subjects, simple socialization amongst peers becomes needed later in life). As for me, who had lived them, heard them, touched them… I did not see the point. I had a goal, however, and the conditions were laid on the table in front of me. Practically speaking, they were undeniable. Fame, love, money… yet I did not see any single bit of worth in any of it.

And when you are a child, your world is so small. Even if I could look at a globe and travel with my father at times, the world still limits itself to which catches your interest. I had no means, no contacts, so, for me, there was no escape. It slowly became everything I could think of. I could not see anything else but this one issue, no way around it, no solution. And nobody could answer it. Thus there was only one option.

I was a pretty dumb kid, when I think about it. At first, I thought everyone else who used hanging were so stupid since it seemed like a slow, strangled death if you did not break your neck on the spot. Aiming for the head would have been a better idea, but my inexperienced mind never thought the option remotely existed. The same moronic where, growing up, I was thinking having a tongue down there would be pleasurable, not realizing at the time that way more people than me already knew that. I was shaking so much, the damn recoil made me misfire and deviate from my target. I think I got myself somewhere near the lungs and shit, I cannot say : I was a little boy and it seemed superfluous. I did not mind for the noise and reaction of people since I believed I would be gone on the spot.

I had my surgery and after some time which seemed like a normal trip to the hospital, I was back home and things went back to normal. The doctor did mention I was very lucky to have survived. In fact, he did not know, but I had a lot of “good luck” on my side. My father had been back from work and heard the gunfire from outside the house, atop that I got help in a record time and my body handled every medical procedure extremely well. If God decided to not give me a healthy mind, it did give me a sturdy body. For one thing, I always took pride in being able to take great amounts of pain.

My parents literally never talked about this chain of events. It was only a matter of looks. I think my father believed I learned my lesson and, even at the time, I could tell his train of thoughts without him telling me anything. If my family never showed that they were hurt, I have no doubt they did feel it. In private. Or at least this would be a normal thing. The reality is that, in my heart, I do not think they were affected past how it muddied their life plans. A habit I took from them, or maybe I did not know and my parents also had the inability to cry. After some point in my life, I do not know why, but I was literally unable to cry, even if I wanted to. My throat would get stuck and I would grow the urge to be alone, but tears would not reach my eyes. Maybe it was my pride, maybe it was my oh so traumatic past because of somethingsomething. I do not know, I’m not a psychologist. I just know that I could not cry.

In the end, being out for so long was like a vacation. After weeks in the hospital recovering, I started having fun again doing the things I did and my studies returned to their stable state. The only thing that happened is that, believe it or not, I was the one my parents tasked to remove the rest of the bloodstains. You know, the annoying stains which remains after the first wash? I’m pretty sure they could have paid someone to do it, but I was the one who did it. I do not know if this was my mother showing me something about her personally or a legitimate opportunity to teach me the tricks.

But all of this was only a little misadventure. I don’t think much of it. I just wrote this down. I believe every kid has gone through something similar in their life, only mine was as much out of proportions as my entourage was. A balance to all the heavy baggage I was being thrown at.

#.kessler ( headcanon )

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sadselfhelp · 3 years

Text

Who I Am, And Why I Created This Blog.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Violence, Drug Overdose, Suicide, Psychotic Breaks.

Take a walk with me, let me show you around the mind of The Sad Hatter.

There's a lot going on in my head right now, and I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I'm standing on a cliff's edge and I'm either going to plummet or I'm going to fly. It's been building inside me for a long time, and I can't contain it anymore. So here it is, here's me laid bare, because I need to say this, I need to put it into words. I need to purge it all. To try and make sense of all of this shit in my brain, I think it's time I organize it. I don't know where to begin, but I guess I start at the beginning and make use of the ability to edit.

Before you read this, please be aware of the trigger warnings. And please understand that this is the most honest and open I have been, I really am stripped bare in this piece of writing. It’s not at all pretty, and am I not guiltless in parts. This may well alter whatever opinion you have of me.

I guess the beginning is birth, right? But I don't want to rehash all that trauma, so let me speed through it. Twenty-Eight years ago I was born, violently. I'm serious, I ripped my way out of the womb, and tore that thing apart. I guess I can sort of understand why my mother couldn't love me after that was my first act, collapsing her womb. So let me speedrun this part of the story. Mum didn't want me, gave me to my dad who raised me as a single parent with the help of his parents, until he met my stepmother. Shockingly, she didn't want me either, but because she couldn't get rid of me she decided to physical and psychological torture was the next best thing.

When I was eleven years old I snapped and didn't want to put up with it anymore, so I wrote a goodbye note and then snuck into the medicine cabinet and took a bunch of pills. Spoiler alert, I didn't die. I did however end up in a children's home, cue more abuse, little bit of bullying and sexual assault etc.... I snapped again, but instead of turning my anger inwards, I became an absolute bastard. Ok, I still turned it inwards a bit, I had a lot of anger, and now I have a few hundred scars to prove it. But, it turns out that violence can beget violence, and I acted out in every possible way. Racked up a horrifying rap sheet, assault, vandalism, arson, and finally... GBH. I was supposed to get put in a secure unit (child prison – Scottish Edition) but I was always able to talk myself out of trouble.

See, I was this tiny little white girl with big sad eyes and a hell of a sob story, even at the bottom of the food chain I still had privilege. So instead of getting locked up, I just got sent to a different home. And here's the really messed up part, this home was better. The staff were nicer, and nobody hurt me. My behavior literally changed overnight. I went from being charged by the police on a weekly basis, to never getting so much as a pocket money sanction. I will never excuse my actions, nor condone them, but after years of guilt I finally realized that the bad things I did were in retaliation to a bad situation, and though I wasn’t acting like a good person, I’m not a bad person, just a messed up one.

I still refused to go to school though, because though I didn't yet know it at the time, I had severe social anxiety. I was smart, a little too smart to be honest, and I found myself thriving with a private tutor. When the time came to sit my exams, someone fucked up, and despite having record breaking test scores on the pre-exams, I never actually got to sit my standard grades (think SAT's – Scottish Edition). I'm still bitter about that. So by this point in the story, I'm 16, and legally an adult, too old for a children's home. I got turfed to a hostel, and the next few parts of the story are pretty fuzzy to me.

This is where my mental health really started to deteriorate. I bounced between homeless hostels and B&B's for a year or so, until I got a my first flat/apartment. By that point, I was utterly fucked in the head. I was blacking out frequently, for anywhere between a couple of minutes to three days. I would come back to myself in sometimes compromising positions, and once there was blood. A lot of blood, splashed all over the walls. Then there was the time I suddenly found myself standing in the kitchen, about to plunge a knife into my own chest.

Nobody ever did tell me what the hell that was about. Or maybe they did and I just... forgot? But because I was extremely suicidal, a doctor finally decided to do something, and the police and the paramedics came to my door to take me to the psychiatric hospital. I spent ten months there while I cycled through various anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and was 'rehabilitated into society'. The second I was out, I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. If I can give you one piece of advice, one lesson to take from my shitshow of a life, it's this: Don't move hundreds of miles away to be with the guy you met online while you were having a psychotic break.

I've never really thought of myself as a victim, but I guess I'm the only one who saw it that way. Ben, that was his name, Ben was a monster, and I didn't know it until it was too late. He never hit me, never lifted a hand to me, he never had to. He could put a knife in my hand and make me hurt myself for his entertainment. I had told him everything, so he knew exactly how to break me down, how to make me want to bleed. He locked me in a house and used me up. And when I had enough, and tried to break free of him, he would just tell the police I was mentally ill and they would smile sympathetically and give me back to him.

But then my dad had a breakdown. My dad, who when he found out what my stepmother was doing to me, buried his head in the sand and packed my little suitcase for me. I hadn't spoken to him in a while until he reached out from the same psychiatric ward I had not long vacated. He had cracked under the realization that I had never lied about her, and the guilt broke him apart. I could have hated him, if it had happened a few years earlier then I would have. But I had experienced enough of the world to learn a few things, like how easily it is to fuck up, and that no matter how strong you are, you aren't immune to monsters. The truth was he was as much a victim of her evil as I was. She had manipulated him, played with his head, used his insecurities against him. So I helped him through his issues, the way I wished someone had helped me. That doesn't really make me a good person, it just makes me human.

But my dad got better, and found his footing. And when he did, he realized something wasn't right with me, and I told him the truth about Ben. My dad had left me to suffer at the hands of an abuser once before, and he wasn't going to allow it to happen again. He came and got me, and he took me home. He moved me in with him, gave me his bed and slept on the couch. After a couple of months, he helped me get my own place.

And that's the happy ending, right? All the trauma was over, I was safe, that's where the story should end. Right? I bet you're not naive enough to believe that, but I sure as hell was. I thought I would recover and that everything would be ok. I thought that with safety, there would come the chance to heal. I thought my wounds would scab over, and I would have my scars but at least I would be able to move without bleeding out. But that's not how trauma works. I had two decades worth of trauma, abuse, and hell.

I just... faded. I didn't crack, I didn't crumble, I didn't break, I just stopped. For five years I sat in one room of my home, drowning inside myself. Last year I got handed a lifeline, and now I live somewhere better. I'm not really allowed to live independently so I actually live in kind of retirement village of all places. I have my own house, but it's got intercoms and emergency cords everywhere, I get checked on daily by on on-site worker. And I'm trying to get better, I really am. It's just not that easy.

There's more to the whole story that I maybe should have put in, like the fact that my mother was a drug addict when she was pregnant with me, and that may have been the reason some of my organs didn't properly form and/or formed wrong. My lung split in half when I was a baby, and parts of my stomach are missing. Or that my mother is full on batshit insane. I could have had a perfect childhood and I still would have been mentally ill. Hell, I was seeing psychologists at five years old. Take my sketchy genetics, add twenty years of severe traumas, and well... I'm a little fucked up. Because a lot of medical conditions use acronyms, my full list of diagnosis looks like I'm collecting the fucking alphabet.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Agoraphobia. I also have a Pulmonary Sequestration, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, the stomach and lung issues. Immune Hemolytic Anemia, I'm basically allergic to my own blood. Plus, ya know, my liver recently decided to just fucking nope out, the pissy lil bitch is failing. I also may or may not have cancer, I don't know because I pussied out of the tests. At this point I am a walking, decaying corpse that is held together by glitter glue and bitterness.

So... why exactly am I writing this? And why am I even considering posting this? I mean, my problems aren't as bad as some other people's. We've all got shit to deal with, especially in 2020. The whole world is falling apart, so what right do I have to sit here pouting and pouring my problems out? Well, for a start, I guess this is my blog, I can post whatever, and it's up to everyone else if they read it.

So here it is, you have the backstory, so here's what it's all been leading up to.

I'm struggling. Like, really struggling. I'm stuck on this cliff, and I want off, any way I can. Whether I fall or fly, I just want free. I can't live like this anymore, because I can't breathe.

The fucking agonizing duality of being socially anxious and too easily overstimulated, and yet feeling fucking empty inside if you're not surrounded by action and noise. The world is too noisy for my brain, but my brain is too noisy for the world. I get antsy if I'm not doing at least a thousand different tasks, but I get overwhelmed if I try to do anything at all. It leads to short bursts of mania, followed by weeks of depression. But underneath all of that, under all the dramatic showboating, and the dark humor, under all the bravado... I'm really just sad.

Years ago, when I first came up with the moniker "The Sad Hatter", I said it was because I may be mad, but my madness was born of sadness. I'm just sad. I carry it with me where my heart should be. So I named myself Sad, and I put on the hat, and I wore my sadness like armor, turned it into an act, and made a spectacle of it. "I'm The Sad Hatter, and I'm mentally ill but that's alright, I'm going to be just fine!" I told you all I had my issues, and I'll come close to opening up about how bad those issues are, I'll give little chunks of information at intermittent intervals, and then two hours later I'll act like it never happened. I'll admit I was close to killing myself, and then two days later I'll post dog photo's and act like I'm all better.

I'm writing this because I'm sad. And tomorrow, I'll act like I'm not. But when I waver again, I'll come back here and I'll open up again. And along the way, maybe you're reading this and realizing you aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you're realizing you're not the only one who isn't healing neatly and in a timely manner. Maybe you're reading this and gaining some insight into the struggles someone you care about is facing. Maybe my opening up is can help somebody else, I really hope so, but I know it's helping one person. It's helping me.

This blog, it's about living with myself. It's about living with The Sad Hatter.

#trigger warnings #mental health #anxiety #borderline personality disorder #adhd #domestic abuse #child abuse #self harm #violence #just all the trigger warnings

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sokkadora · 3 years

Text

tattooed heart; an ellie williams x fem!reader

chapter 3: a cold morning

masterlist here.

part summary: a tad bit of backstory on how joel, ellie, amelia and you met, seth being annoying, y/n and dina escapades, ellie apologizing for the kiss.

trigger warning: none .... i think

a/n: enjoy! and please check out my book safety net on wattpad! my account is @/CATRAMITYS <3333

- ☽ iii ༓ iii ☾ -

life in jackson could be described as fairly easy - slow and consistent. the people who were living there never actually left and there weren't many people that would move into the city. most people you've known since they were the ones living inside the walls ever since you had come there.

some of the children were born there, yet most of the people came to the settlement as the time passed, seeking protection from the fireflies, infected or bandits. and so far, so good. the settlement was started by maria, tommy's wife, and her father a long time ago. when tommy left the fireflies in search of a normal, peaceful life, he ran into wyoming, finding this place. before their hard work, it was quite hard to manage - they needed to protect the settlement, build walls around it and make sure the people in there were safe, yet the young married couple was way more ambitious.

they wanted to make the old hydroelectric power station work again and that was one of the settlement's biggest projects to date. and to the wonder of everyone, they made it work again, so jackson had a stable supply of electricity almost every day. except for huge storms, which you all were waiting for to end sitting in the dinner, telling each other stories in the light of candles and so. these occasions were fun.

the city was independent - you had your cattle, horses, hens, and pigs, you had women who could sew clothes and make fabrics, you had a few men who were capable of making a gun. also, your mechanics were capable of making a few old cars work if the things would get really bad. in spring and summer, you always made sure to harvest vegetables and fruits, hunting throughout the winter mostly. you had a school and a kind-of-a-cinema when you were bored. for existing in a post-apocalyptic world, jackson was fairly normal.

and though you never got to know your parents, you had amelia. this lady was pretty old in the time she found you — she wasn't that kind of a brutal survivor who would bash someone's skull, twist her knife inside someone's body, or shoot them dead. she was the quiet traveler who was purposely avoiding big cities, who was traveling through woods and walked among rivers to see where her road will lead her. from the moment you bumped into each other, you became friends. family even. but once you got bit, she almost shot you. until she found out you were immune.

you and amelia didn't know what to do, but once amelia caught word of an old man and a 14-year-old immune girl traveling to the fireflies in salt lake city, you two went to find them. it took a few months to find them, the two of you almost giving up after taking shelter in what you thought was an abandoned apartment in pittsburgh.

SUMMER OF 2033:

"y/n, in here." amelia called for you quietly, gesturing to the apartment inside. you nodded, glancing behind you before quickly moving inside and locking the door.

you let out a sigh of relief, readjusting your ponytail and checking out the apartment. amelia jumped in front of you, pulling out her handgun, "get behind me, sugar." she whispered, softly moving towards the bedroom where she heard noises.

once she opened the door, the two of you aimed your guns at the people inside, two dark skinned boys, one around your age at the time and an older man with a red haired girl also around your age.

"amelia, they're not bad." you say, lowering your gun slowly to look at them better. the older woman glances at you before putting her gun down too.

the young man steps forward with his hand outstretched towards you, "i'm henry, who are you?" he asks nervously, glancing

you look up at him, then glance at amelia. she nods, signaling that it's okay, "i'm y/n." you respond with a small smile.

henry grins a bit, gesturing to the others, "we all just met but, this is joel," he starts, gesturing to the older man in the flannel, "this is ellie, and this is my little brother sam." henry finishes, gesturing to the girl and the boy.

"amelia and y/n." amelia introduces, gesturing to her then you. "sorry for the, uh, abrupt entrance. we thought this apartment was empty." she laughs nervously, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt.

"no worries. we were about to head out anyway." henry starts, beginning to walk out. "wait, would you two like to come with us?" we're planning on getting out of this city tonight."

you and amelia look at each other before she turns her head towards the henry again, "i don't thi—"

"amelia, c'mon! safety in numbers, remember." you remind her, crossing your arms over your chest and looking at her knowingly.

the woman scoffs and shakes her head, looking at her lap for a moment, "fine, okay, we'll join you guys."

upon leaving the apartment, you, sam, and ellie began to talk to each other. once you found out she was 14, like the immune girl, you went up to amelia while you were waiting in henry's "office".

"amelia, can i talk to you for a second?" you whisper to her, gesturing to a quieter spot. amelia's eyebrows furrow in confusion as she looks away from the outside to you, nodding.

once in a quieter spot, you tell amelia your hypothesis about ellie and joel, them being the two you’ve been searching the country for, "no, no way. they're probably just father and daughter."

"don't daughters usually call their fathers dad instead of their actual names?" you ask her, irritated while your arms fold over your chest. amelia stares at you blankly, hands resting on her knees. "this is the man and the immune girl we're searching for, amelia. we have to tell—"

"guys?" a voice calls into the room, making yours and amelia's head shoot towards the sound. it's sam. "henry says it's time to go." sam tells you two awkwardly.

amelia sighs heavily, rising from her place on the desk and looking at you, "you and i will finish this conversation later."

that conversation never went as well as you hoped, you and ellie finding out that you both are immune in the radio station during a slow game of truth or dare. neither of you knew what it was, but henry gave you the basic gist of it.

ellie was thrilled to know she wasn't the only immune person, and she wasn't alone in that area. after losing henry and sam the morning after, you four headed off to find joel's brother, tommy in wyoming after finding a car.

after finding tommy and heading to the university of eastern colorado, things only got more rough from there. joel and amelia both got impaled, barely making it out of the science building alive before getting on their horses and passing out. resulting in you and ellie panicking before getting yourselves together and finding a nearby town to stay at for the winter.

during that winter, you encountered david, and his friend carl. you and ellie almost lost your lives after getting captured by them, then joel and amelia swooped in saving you and ellie from becoming the monsters you both fear.

the rest of the journey carried into the spring, you, joel, ellie, and amelia becoming much closer during the time from winter to spring. once you all got to the firefly hospital and joel and amelia found out what the cost for the vaccine was, they saved you and ellie.

you both had become to loved and valuable to them, neither wanting to bear the loss of another child. and they lied to you both to keep you safe. so after they took out most of the fireflies in the hospital, including their leader, marlene, you all headed back to tommy's, to jackson.

you and ellie both stopped the elders before entering jackson, "hey, wait." ellie called, looking to you for a bit of comfort.

amelia and joel turned around, looking at the two of you. you bit your lip as ellie started talking, "back in boston — back when i was bitten... i wasn't alone." she reveals, glancing between joel and amelia.

"my best friend, riley, was there and she got bit too." ellie tells everyone.

"and i was with my best friend, carly." you tell the group, fidgeting with your fingers. "we didn't know what to do. so, she says 'let's just wait it out. y'know we can be all poetic and lose our minds together. we're still waiting for our turn."

"then it was tess." ellie states, fidgeting with her fingers anxiously.

"then henry and sam—" you continue the statement for her.

"none of that is on you." amelia states, stepping a bit closer to you and ellie.

"no, you don't understand." ellie says sadly, rubbing her face.

joel suddenly steps forward, "i struggled for a long time with survivin', and you-" he briefly clutches his watch. "no matter what, you keep finding something to fight for. now, i know that's not what you want to hear right now but it's—"

you shake your head, looking away before turning back at joel, "swear to us." you interrupt, looking between the two adults seriously. "swear to us that everything that you said about the fireflies is true."

joel and amelia look between you and ellie with a hesitant look, "we swear." she says to you two, placing a hand on joel's shoulder.

you and ellie take a pause, processing everything before looking back at amelia and joel, nodding, "okay." you say together.

MARCH 2ND, 2038:

that was how you got into jackson. the first months there were pretty weird to you - the city had rules, schedule and they gave you food every morning, midday and evening, calling it breakfast, lunch, and dinner. the first week, you spent with vomiting since your food wasn't used to eat regularly. it was also pretty hard trying to trust strangers before you realized they don't mean you any harm. amelia was immediately capable of working at their farm with their animals, while you were getting the jobs like cleaning up mess or help in the kitchen - which meant that you didn't see each other that much.

- ☽ ♡ ༓ ♡ ☾ -

but after last night you and ellie went your ways after the talk with joel and amelia. there were many exchanged glances as she walked you home although you insisted you were fine. when you stood in the doorway of your house, ellie kissed your cheek before waving goodbye shyly.

a knock wakes you out of your sleep, groaning as you sit up and walk to the door, "just a minute! geez." you call out, walking to the door while scratching the back of your neck tiredly.

once you open it, you see dina. your other best friend, "hey dina." you yawn, squeezing the door handle as you look at your friend who's already dressed. "oh shit-"

"yep. hurry up and get ready, stupid." dina grins, stepping inside and sitting on your couch as you head into the bathroom with a new set of clothes. "maria also wants to talk to you."

stepping out of the bathroom, you reload your pistol and grab your switchblade that joel made you, "alright, dina, let's go."

she nods, opening the door as both of you step out into the cold air, "are joel and amelia up yet? or ellie?" you ask curiously.

"tommy and amelia went out early for patrol. something about a herd or infected up north, i don't know where joel is, and ellie, is still asleep. like ellie." dina tells you as you nod in understanding, chuckling at the last part of her sentence. "are you four... good?"

you glance up at her, sighing, "yeah, i guess so." you shrug, looking away and itching your nose.

once you and dina get downtown, she leads you into a restaurant, "this way." she says, motioning towards the nearly empty restaurant.

once you two enter, dina walks away to socialize with the others. you glance at her anxiously as she just smirks, shooing you in maria's direction.

"hey, y/n! over here!" maria calls from across the bar, making you groan and walk over unenthusiastically.

you walk to maria, "yes?" you ask, rubbing your face with your gloved hands.

"seth has something he wants to say to you." maria tells you, glancing towards the kitchen.

you glare at maria, irritated, "i don't wanna hear what that bigot has to say."

maria looks at you with an unreadable expression, "do it for me, please?" she asks gently.

you scan her face over, and sigh, resting your foot on a small crate, "fine."

"seth! seth, come here." maria calls towards the kitchen.

"fuck me." you mutter under your breath, as you look up.

seth walks out of the kitchen sheepishly, with something in his hands, "hey. look last night, i was drinking too much." seth starts, making you scoff quietly.

"sure." you say in disbelief, crossing your arms as you rest your right leg on the stool next to you.

"i'm trying to say i'm sorry!" seth exclaims, getting more irritated with you. "maria tells me that you and dina are heading out." he tells you, making you glance back at dina. "i made you two some sandwiches." he reveals.

seth places the sandwiches on the bar counter, giving them a pat before scooching them towards you.

"okay." you mumble, staring at him awkwardly.

"they're steak." seth informs you, gesturing towards the sandwiches you haven't taken yet.

maria gets tired of the awkward silence as she takes the sandwiches as she shoves them into your chest, "thank you, seth." she says assertively, scaring seth back into the kitchen.

turning around with the sandwiches, you bump into dina, "what've you got there?" she asks curiously as you shove the sandwiches into her hands.

"some... surprisingly decent looking bigot sandwiches." you scoff, dusting off your pants while looking around the outside room.

dina lifts them to her nose, taking a whiff, "they smell absolutely scrumptious." she says in a fake posh accent, making you laugh as she secretly throws them away.

"come on you two, time to go." maria calls from the doorway of the restaurant, gesturing to the outside. "y/n, i need to talk to you for a minute before i head back inside."

you stop next to maria, gesturing for dina to go ahead without you as she closes the door, "are you amelia and joel good?" maria asks quietly, making you roll your eyes. "they seemed to be in a better mood this morn—"

"we're fine maria." you interrupt her, your eyes closing in annoyance as you're getting tired of this question.

the blonde woman puts her hands up, "just wanted to make sure. i worry y'know." she chuckles, bringing you into a short embrace. you nods, pulling away, "go find dina." she tells you heading into the restaurant as you head on your way.

you find dina and overhear how she's about to start a snowball fight with a bunch of the kids. you sneak up behind the kids, snowball in hand. dina glances up and spots you, making you put a finger over your mouth to shush her. she looks back at the kids, egging them on as you come up and headshot a girl named, isabella.

this made the kids go feral, sending them to one side of the playground as you and dina hid on the other side, laughing your asses off.

you and dina played with the kids for around fifteen minutes before you heard ellie's voice. you turned around and saw jesse, waving politely at him before returning to the game.

"dina! come on! you and i are paired for patrol today." jesse calls out to his ex, making her roll her eyes before heading out of the playground, following jesse.

"hey, y/n! can i talk to you?" a familiar voice called, you turn your head to see ellie. you smile and wave at her before putting the snowball fight on a pause so you could talk to her.

"hey." you say breathlessly, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

"hey." ellie responds awkwardly, tapping on the wooden fence.

"i just wanna say sorry for ditching you after the... thing last night." ellie apologizes, making you tilt your head in confusion.

"oh, no, it's okay. i totally get it. i- i just- i felt bad." you tell her, looking at her apologetically while fidgeting with your fingers.

ellie shakes her head lightly, "why?"

"because, i started the whole thing and i... i just shouldn't have kissed you in front all those people and—"

"no! it's okay, you were drunk." ellie says, laughing off the light embarrassment.

"well, still i don't want you to think—" you start before ellie interrupts your once more, making you chuckle lightly.

"no, i'm not reading into it or anything." ellie tells you, making you shake your head.

you look up at ellie, smiling softly, "you know what i love about you?" you start, making ellie blush a little. "how you let me finish my sentences."

ellie chuckles, shaking her head, "alright. well, we should probably get going." you nod, before a snowball nails ellie right in the shoulder. "ow!"

you turn around angrily, glaring at the kids, "what the fuck?!" you exclaims at them, making them giggle.

"i'm not even playing!" ellie yells at them.

"cause you're a chicken?" one of the kids yells out, making the rest taunt ellie playfully.

"i hate those kids so much." ellie mutters to you irritated, making you look at her mischievously.

"you wanna fuck 'em up?" you ask evilly, giving ellie a side glance.

ellie looks to see if anyone's coming before nodding, "yeah, i do." ellie leaps over the fence as you both start playfully shouting at them.

"you asked for it!" you yell at them.

"you better run you little shits!" ellie exclaims, you and her taking cover behind a structure.

the game was the first to ten hits wins, it took you and ellie a minute, but you beat to little shits 10/3.

"no fair!" isabella whines, wiping the snow off her coat.

you spread your arms out victoriously, "eat it shrimps! how's it feel?" you brag to them, making them all run up and tackle you. "you'll never get away with this!" you yell happily as they dog pile on you before ellie comes and rips one off.

"get off of her you little monsters!" the red haired girl exclaims, making them scurry away before helping you up.

"i guess i asked for that huh?" you ask your friend, heading towards the gate.

"yep." she deadpans at you, making you smile. you both exit the playground, heading to the stables. "so, jesse wants us to do the creek trails. he's gonna relieve amelia and tommy."

"oh, okay. that's nice he assigned us together." you tell ellie, greeting the lady at the front of the stables. "you're gonna like this one."

someone yells to you and ellie they'll take your horses in so you can grab them. yelling out a quick thanks, you head over to grab your horse, moon. walking to the east gate, you pet his neck, greeting him.

"look who decided to join us." jesse tease you and ellie, making you roll your eyes.

"ha ha, you're so funny." you tease back, elbowing him gently in the side and taking your rifle from him.

"open it up!" he yells up at the gate keepers. "settle down. alright. you all know the drill." he assumes, looking to all the patrol groups. "run your routes, mark your logbooks, clear any infected you see. you run into anything you can't handle, you come back." jesse tells everyone. "be smart about it. alright, get going."

you and ellie glance at each other with a small nod, getting on your horses and riding off towards the creek trails.

#the last of us #ellie williams #the last of us part 2 #joel miller #tlou2 #gamingedit #the last of us 2 #tlou #tlouedit #elliexreader #oc #joel x reader #dina x reader

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honey-harper-official · 4 years

Text

Evander Wade Hate AU - Chapter 8

MasterList for Evander Wade Hate AU

Word Count: 2542

This is an AU where Evander Wade is secretly a villain and I made this AU because I just don’t like him. Also I’m fixing my personal problems with canon because I can.

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When Adrian got up the next morning his dads had already left for work. It was usually like this on weekdays.

He got up and got ready for the day before grabbing his things and leaving. He was going to see Nova at her apartment like he had promised but on the way there he stopped to pick up bagels for breakfast, since he wasn't sure if she really had any food at her place yet. He just got a big bag of some different bagels along with a container of cream cheese. He wasn't sure exactly what her order would be as this wasn't something that had ever come up before. He wondered if she had ever even had bagels when she was with the Anarchists.

However what Adrian did know was Nova's favorite type of flower. Or at least one that he knew for a fact she liked because he remembered her mentioning that her dad would bring her mom home dahlias when he could and if not then wild flowers.

So Adrian picked up a mix of those on his way to the apartment complex. He had drawn some the first time he went over to her place so it only made sense that he brought her more as a housewarming gift for her new apartment.

Or as a gift in general.

Adrian reached her apartment complex and went inside, racking his mind for the apartment number.

Before he could think of it, a short middle aged woman with box braids came up to him.

"Are you lost young man? Or waiting for someone?" She asked, noting the food and flowers.

"Yeah I'm just trying to think of the apartment number of my girlfriend. She just moved in last night and I figured I'd bring her a house warming gift."

The woman smiled.

"Then it's a good thing you've run into me. I'm the landlord Estelle. I'm assuming you're looking for Nova McLain," she said, smiling brightly at him.

"Yeah that's her. Can you tell me where her apartment is?" Adrian asked.

"11th floor. 36A," she said, knowing it off the top of her head.

"Thank you so much," he said, going to the elevator and pressing the button.

"My pleasure. Tell Nova I said hi."

"I will," he said as the door closed and the elevator went upwards.

After that he found her apartment quickly, knocking on the door. She opened it right away and seemed very giddy and he couldn't help but feel happy too.

Nova shut the door behind him as he set the food and flowers on the small table.

"Morning my star," he told her, cupping her face and giving her a quick kiss as a hello.

"Good morning," she said, practically bouncing on her toes.

"Estelle says hi. She helped me find your apartment," Adrian told her, keeping true to his word.

"Oh yeah she's my landlord. Her and her wife Cleo seem really nice. I mean it took them five minutes to realize that I was running away from a bad home life and they just let me have the apartment and offered me assistance in making sure no one comes and tries to drag me back," Nova told him.

It was surprising but he was glad it happened. Adrian was glad to know that someone besides himself was looking after her and maybe she could have an actual adult in her life who cared about her and would help her out. Nova was fairly independent but still just a teenager. Adrian certainly still needed his dads and he didn't think Nova would be any different in needing a parental figure.

"That's great," Adrian said. "I'm glad things are working out for you."

"I mean I can still pay rent if need be but it was a small relief and at least now I can put that money more towards necessities and things I need. But I do really like the new apartment."

The apartment was a pretty decent place and even if it wasn't he didn't think Nova would necessarily care. She'd probably lived in worse and could fix any issues with a bad apartment on her own.

He shuddered at the thought. He hated the idea of her living in the tunnels and even the rowhouse. He never wanted to judge but he couldn't have helped but be concerned for her conditions.

Of course Nova now actually had the chance to live somewhere that was not only safe from dangerous people but safe in the sense that you could actually live there and it was up to code. Adrian didn't exactly think she would miss out on that. He didn't think any sensible person would.

"Speaking of that," Adrian said, grabbing the flowers. "I figured I'd bring you a house warming gift. And some breakfast too if you're hungry for bagels."

Nova smiled and took the flowers from him.

Great skies he adored her smile. It was the most beautiful thing in the world aside from Nova herself.

"Thank you," she said brightly. "I'm sorry I don't have anything to put them in. Or plates and things for food. Or really much of anything. I guess I have to go shopping."

"Anything you need now? I can just draw it."

"Adrian it's fine. Don't worry about it. I can take care of it myself," Nova insisted.

Adrian frowned.

"You're sure?"

Nova nodded. "It's fine. I can take care of it. Though maybe drawing some plates or something would be a good idea."

She gestured to the food and Adrian pulled out his marker, drawing on the paper bag to make paper plates for the two of them. He hadn't eaten yet and he didn't think Nova had either.

"Have you ever had bagels before?" Adrian asked, pausing as he took one out and took a seat at the table with Nova. He cut it with the plastic knife that was in the bag.

"When I was little and my parents were still around," Nova said as she put cream cheese on the one she had taken from the bag.

"So are there other common foods you haven't had since then?"

"A lot. And a bunch I've never had before because it's not like there was much access to them for people in the Age of Anarchy," Nova said before taking a bite, shrugging.

It was such a weird thought to think that there were a lot of super common foods in Gatlon that she hadn't had before. Adrian would have to figure out what exactly they were and he had no doubt that when Oscar and Ruby realized this they'd have a field day.

"So when exactly are you going to see the Anarchists again to get the Vitality Charm?" Adrian asked once they were finished, Nova rolling up the beg and putting it on the counter and throwing the cream cheese in the fridge. He doubted that there was anything else in there.

"I figured later today would be a smart time. I want to do it as fast as possible when it's darker out so it's not really noticed. They moved back to the subway tunnels but to a different section," Nova explained. "The Vitality Charm, the helmet, and anything that would incriminate me of anything are all there with them but all I have to do is act like I need to get something, take the charm, and then tell them that I'm leaving."

"Do you think they'll let you leave?" Adrian asked. He didn't want to risk her being hurt by them again. He could only imagine how much they had already put her through and he didn't want her to have to go through any more.

Nova sighed. "Honey and Leroy were usually the more lenient ones. Leroy was always the one that stopped my training when he saw it was going too far or becoming too dangerous and Honey was usually more on the nice side."

"Define nice."

"Okay nice for an Anarchist. As nice as you think an Anarchist can get," Nova explained.

He understood what she meant but that still left a lot of room for personal interpretation. How bad an Anarchist could me and how good they could be was a very large spectrum but at the core, Anarchists were willing to do basically anything to get whatever they wanted.

It's why Adrian didn't think Nova was an Anarchist at all. He knew she had limits and he knew she felt guilty about a lot of things she had done. That and he didn't think an Anarchist would bother to go out of their way to save a kid that could be used as a divergence of attention from then the way Nova had pushed Max out of the way and stayed to help him. The pike had been aimed at her and Max was invisible but she still reached out just in case he was there and found him and pulled him out of the way with her. Max still got brushed by it at his side and was in the hospital but he would live instead of being impaled and possibly even killed.

Any other Anarchist Adrian knew wouldn't do that. From what he could figure out, they probably subjected Nova to a lot to train her as an Anarchist and he had heard rumors of them killing an entire gang just to get to one child and take them as their own. At least he had heard his dads talking about that once late one night when he was little so he figured it held true.

Nova didn't seem like she would ever do something like that at all.

But it didn't mean the remaining Anarchists didn't. He trusted Nova and her judgement and she had the best guess on how this was going to pan out but Adrian couldn't help but be concerned. People, especially Anarchists, could be unpredictable and take large gambles with no warning or hesitation.

And Nova leaving would certainly prompt them to take action and act unpredictably.

"So how do you think they'll react?" Adrian asked. "To you asking to leave at least."

"I don't think they're going to be happy that's for sure. I can definitely see Honey going into one of her fits but Leroy had offered me a chance to leave before. Right before I became a spy for them he asked me if I wanted to leave and I didn't know any better then to take that chance but if he was willing to put everything on the line to give it to me then, and now that there's way less risk for him, I think he'd still offer that to me and let me leave. It's more of Honey we have to watch out for," Nova elaborated, looking upset at her own words.

She felt guilty. Adrian could see it in her eyes. She probably regretted not taking up that offer to leave and start fresh when she had the chance, before all her crimes had piled up so much. Before anyone could have ever suspected her to be Nightmare at all. Before anyone even knew she existed and she hadn't caused as much hurt.

Adrian reached out and squeezed her hand.

"It's okay," he reassured.

"But anyways it should be fairly easy for me to get the charm. It's leaving that will be the problem. I don't think Leroy will hurt me but I can't guarantee that Honey won't try something or force me to stay to talk me out of my decision."

"So what do you need me to do?" Adrian asked.

"You can stand by on guard by the entrance but hidden away so no one gets suspicious. It shouldn't take more then 15 minutes and if I'm not out by then or something goes wrong I'll call for you for help. I don't think I'll die if I have the vitality charm on me at that point but that's not to say injuries won't be sustained," Nova informed him. "But unless I call for you do NOT come and get me or they will think that you did something and they will see you as a threat and I don't want you getting hurt. If you get hurt then everything will go to shit and worst of all, you'll be hurt."

"If you're not out in 15 minutes I'm coming in to get you," Adrian told her. He wasn't going to risk losing her.

"Well what if they moved the charm and I have to look for it and things get screwed up?" Nova pointed out. It seemed she had every possibility going through her mind.

"You can send me a message on the arm band telling me that," Adrian pointed out.

"No because I won't be wearing it so we can't be tracked," Nova fired back.

"Then I'll draw us some communication device. I don't want to risk them keeping you from calling for me for help and hurting you in the process when I could be there to help."

"Adrian I get you're concerned but I'm perfectly capable of handling them. Of all the people that could actually stand on their own against them it would be me because I was raised by them."

"I don't want to take any chances," Adrian pleaded. He wasn't going to let her go through it alone. For once, someone had to step it up and actually look out for her. Just because she never had it before didn't mean she could go without it now.

"Sinta," she said softly. "I know you're just trying to keep me safe but I promise that as long as you're at least there and waiting for back up I'll be okay."

"Fine," Adrian agreed. "But you message me when you're going to tell them and at the first sign of trouble I'm coming to get you."

"Deal," Nova said. "We can go around 9. It'll be dark but not late enough that your dads will want you home and it'll give us time to sort ourselves out if something does happen."

"Okay," he said, reaching out and cupping her face in his hands, placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head. "Just be safe."

"I know," she said softly, smiling a little. "I will be."

An alarm on Adrian's band went off. He turned it off and stood up, offering his hand to Nova who gladly took it.

"Come on. Lets go to patrol," he said, nodding at the door.

She smiled and stood, the two of them leaving her apartment hand in hand.

On their way out they passed Estelle and who he assumed was Cleo, both of them waving goodbye to her as they left, very much noticing that she and Adrian were holding hands. Nova rolled her eyes but he was smiling, finding it endearing and funny. The two of them seemed to really like and care about Nova and he was glad that she had more people in her life as more positive role models.

Things were going well for once and Adrian just hoped that continued for the rest of the day.

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Tag List:

@thepurpledragon4444 @nova-artino @novas-tunnel-of-anxiety@princessselene126 @my-littlenightmare @anarchists-87 @plain-jane-mclain @thecaptainsdamsel @emybain @renegadesnet @itsalittlebitchilly @justsomerandomficsforrenegades @jacihayle @creampuffqueen @alecjamesartino @blueraspberry-official @imnotfluffy @ruby-tucker @everhartartino @goldendaysareahead @artino-nova

#nevada fanfiction #nodrian #nova artino #adrian everhart #danna bell #narcissa cronin #ruby tucker #oscar silva #danissa #tuckva #osby #renegays #renegades trilogy #renegades #archenemies #supernova #supernova spoilers #anyways you're welcome #estelle and cleo are the best characters ever

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Surveys #417-419

Been slacking on posting these, so here’s like three surveys over the past few days divided up. I just don’t feel like posting them individually. Beware, it’s a long post, haha.

Do you believe that animals don’t have souls? I lean towards the idea that they, at least more complex species with actual sentience, do in some way. It's hard to imagine like, a fly having a soul, but it's a nice thought. You could NEVER convince me some don't, though, like my late dog Teddy, Sara's old chameleon Jem, and I could go on and on. Have you ever not been able to swallow pills? No, I've always been able to. If you HAD to change your first name, what would you change it to? Maybe like, Quinn. Something you don't hear a lot, for sure. Something more memorable. What are your thoughts on orange soda? Orange cream soda is BOMB. Man, been so long since I've had that stuff... Are you good with children and/or animals? Don't mean to brag, but people say I'm like a magician with animals. No matter what it is, I bond with it. Children, not so much. I'm awkward around them. Who in your life makes you smile the most? My cat, ha ha. If you were cremated, where would you want your ashes to be placed? Hm. Maybe high up in the mountains or in the Kalahari Desert. Do you plan on going to your high school’s reunion? No. I'm pretty sure I'd shatter from memories just entering the building. Would you want revenge on someone if they killed someone special to you? Or would you find it in your heart to forgive? "Forgive" my ass. They'd better get what's coming to them, even if I've gotta be the person to deliver it. Is there someone you are dying to see? More than I think anyone could possibly know. But it's probably better if I never do. Could you picture yourself getting married and having kids? Married, yes. Having kids, no. I could only picture that in one phase of my life, but like I called it: a phase. I should never be a mother, nor do I want to be one to begin with, so yeah, no kids for me. Do you like to take walks? If my legs were actually worth a shit, yes, I would, if it's in a nature-filled area. What are you listening to at this moment in time? "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White. Did you ever kiss someone with a tattoo? No. Could you say something good about the last person you kissed? She's very resilient. Why are you single? Because 1.) I'm a very unappealing example of an adult, 2.) I'm not exactly very attractive, and 3.) I'm basically a hermit, so I don't meet people. Do you get jealous if your boyfriend hugs another girl? Hypothetically, in almost any case, I wouldn't. My imaginary boyfriend can have female friends. But I'll admit if it was like, an ex-girlfriend or something and it was a seriously intense hug, I might. Is there something that happened in your past you hate talking about? Yes, but I mean, who doesn't. Have you ever been completely alone with a boy in his room? You make this sound so scandalous lmao. Yes, plenty of times. I dated a dude and briefly lived with him for three and a half years. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No. Who was the last person that you cried in front of? I'm sure it was Mom. Is it hard for you to be “just friends” with the opposite sex? Nah. Do you remember every single person that you’ve kissed? Yeah. Do you believe that the world will actually end? Humanity, oh yeah. The planet itself, given the infinite nature of the universe, also yes. At SOME point, even if it's zillions of years down the line, Earth is gonna get fucked by something. Are you socially awkward? I am the literal avatar of "socially awkward." Would you rather watch a comedy movie or horror movie? Horror. Who is your favorite actor/actress? MARK IS A FUCKIN' ACTOR, Y'ALL. Are you satisfied with your gender? Yeah. Are you good at admitting your problems? HA! Yeah. ezpz Have you ever had a hangover? No, never been drunk to begin with. Do you know any strippers? No. How many times have you dyed your hair? I ain't counting. What is something that reminds you of your childhood? Dinosaurs. Do you think you eat healthy? I try to. I have my bad days, though. Are you sick quite often or hardly at all? My immune system is the fucking MVP. I am just about never, ever sick. Has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality? Yes. Do you like chocolate or vanilla cake more? Chocolate, duh. Does it bother you to have blood drawn or not so much? Nah, no biggie. Has your cell phone ever rung in class? Omg no, I woulda been mortified. Have you ever tried opening your eyes under water? Yeah, as a kid. Would you rather have a cat or a dog? I prefer cats. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? Like... six times, I wanna say. What would you say is your favorite type of flower? Orchids, but I also love dahlias. I've actually noticed that I've really had a greater "thing" for flowers lately. Like don't get me wrong, I've always loved flowers very much, but I've just found myself more drawn to them than usual, especially when taking the daily hour ride to the TMS office. Do you watch Toddlers and Tiaras? FUCK no. That show disgusts and angers me so much. If someone asked you to go to war today, what would you say? Yeah, no. Funny joke. I couldn't go anyway due to mental health issues and a suicidal history. Do you own an old vintage typewriter? We used to when I was little. I have no idea what happened to it, though?? Hell, maybe we still have it somewhere, but I doubt that. Do you like or hate the smell of fish? Ew, does ANYONE like the smell of fish??? Have you ever read any of John Green’s books? I got a few pages into The Fault in Our Stars, but stopped for no real reason. I didn't not like it or anything, I was just still in my "I don't read" episode. Are you a protective person? VERY. I'm a fucking guard dog over those I love most. Are you a fan of penguins? Yeah, they're cute. I especially think emperor penguins are very majestic. Have you ever met your favorite author? I don’t have a favorite author. Did you get your mom or dad’s eyes? Neither's. I think my maternal grandpa had blue eyes, though? I'm not sure at all, though. When was the last time someone bought you flowers? Not sure. Has there ever been a murder in your town? "A" murder? Thems is rookie numbers for my neck of the woods, fella. This place is known for crime, and that includes murder. When falling asleep, do you ever feel like you stopped breathing? Well, I have seriously severe sleep apnea, so... but the diagnosis came as a surprise to me, because I never DID think this. But sure enough, did a sleep study, and in just one hour's time, I stopped breathing like what, 30 times? What's the last thing that scared the hell out of you? Stupid drivers. Do you have any life-changing plans within the next 6 months? I guess getting a job could be pretty life-changing. As of right now, how do you feel about your future? I'm very, very scared. Who is the last person you ran into unexpectedly? Hm, I dunno. Where does your grandma live? Both of mine are dead, but my paternal grandmother lived in Michigan, while my maternal one technically lived in Florida, but stayed in New York with her son's family a whole lot. I don't really know where she stayed more. Do you know how to read music? Not anymore. Does the song you’re currently listening to remind you of anyone special? Not so much the song, but the band. Motionless In White is one of his all-time favorites, so I can't listen to them without thinking of Jason. Sucks because they've been becoming one of MY favorites, too, so I listen to them a lot. If the person who has hurt you the most, said they were in love with you, would you believe them? I'd tell him he was in a love with a person who no longer exists. It's impossible for him to be in love with me now when he doesn't know how much I've changed. If Facebook made you pay would you still use it? Ha, no. Have you ever been recorded on film without your permission? Not that I know of? Tell me about your last boyfriend? He's a wonderful person. He's been there for me without fail since we became friends in high school band, and he is SO fucking funny. He's always cared a lot about me, and I care a lot about him, just not in the same way he does me. He's like my big brother. Are your parents racist? My dad definitely is. What is your least favorite subject in school? Math and economics both sucked. Have you ever been involved in a custody battle before? Almost certain no. I'm pretty sure Dad didn't fight for custody at all, but it could've been something Mom just never told me. Have you ever babysat a newborn baby before? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I NEVER could. Do you have any siblings you neglect? .-. As a kid, did you ever go to camp? I went to Vacation Bible School, if that counts. Did your parents ever let you play in the pits of those multicolored balls? Yeah, until that big news story about a dirty needle pricking a child. Have any of your siblings ever had a crush on your significant other? Not to my knowledge. I highly doubt it. What do you usually order at Taco Bell, if you go there? Cheese quesadilla with fiesta potatoes. Rarely a pair of those cinnamon ball thingies. Ever consider a sex change? Nah. Do you eat whip cream straight out of the can? EW no. I hate the texture of whipped cream. What do you think of popcorn? Loooove. Have you ever dated any of your friends’ ex? No. Well, it's funny, Rachel (both Juan's and Jason's ex) and I are friends now, but definitely weren't at the time of us being together. Have you ever gone out with someone even though one of your friends liked that person first? If yes, did you feel bad? If no, were you tempted to? No. Would you rather be a rich musician, or a rich actor? Musician. What was the last charity you donated to? I don't recall. Did you like to collect frogspawn as a kid? I've told the "my friends and I saved hundreds of tadpoles" story enough times, so for this question, I'll just talk about when I would go fishing with Dad as a kid. Back then, if I got bored of actually fishing, I would walk along the riverbank and try to catch tadpoles and minnows in my hands. It was soooo fun to Kid Brittany. Do you walk fast or slow? I walk pretty damn slow. Can you juggle with more than two items? I can't juggle, period. Do you like jalapenos? Yeah! Do you like kiwis? Yessss, I love kiwi! Does anyone in your family go deer or bird hunting? Who is it anyway? I don't know if she still does, but my little sister used to go deer hunting with a friend.

Are you saving up for anything right now? What? Yeah, my pet snake's 40 gallon terrarium. What sort of things do you have bookmarked in your internet browser? It's quite diverse, but I think I mostly have templates for specific character profiles. Have you ever snuck in to a theater/dance/bar etc? No, I'm a good noodle. If given the chance, would you go to Ireland? Certainly! It's beautiful there. If you have a cat, does it ever “converse” with you? Oh, ABSOLUTELY. When I talk to him, he sure does try to answer me and it's the cutest thing, ha ha. Have you ever tried those electric toothbrushes? Yeah, that’s what I use. Has anyone told you that they wanted to marry you/were planning on it/etc? Yeah, guess he changed his mind. Name one of your ex’s mother’s names? Virginia. Does your favorite song have a meaning? BIG TIME. Have you ever written or received a suicide note? I've written one. .-. What is the worst thing a child has ever done to you while you were babysitting? When I was changing her diaper, she got up and ran around naked in the house. ;-; Do you own a nightgown? No. If you could get any pet right now, what would you get? i. want. my. tarantula. Have you ever actually been stuffed into a locker? No. That is just such a TV trope that I've never even heard of happening irl. Do you/did you decorate the inside of your locker at school with stuff? I only had a locker in middle school, and I believe I didn't. I didn't want one in HS. What’s the coolest thing you’ve made with Legos? I was never a Legos kid; I played with Lincoln Logs. Do you want to get pregnant right now? Fuck no, man. Or ever. Have you ever housed a friend for a long period of time because they had no place to live? No. If you have a favorite comedian, have they ever been in a movie? I don't have one, really. Are there any books you want to read? Besides the series I'm reading, I want to read The Testaments by Margaret Atwood, but idk if I'll ever get to it, really. If you have younger siblings, are you very protective of them? We don't have a close relationship, but I am nevertheless. If you have older siblings, are they very protective of you? Not really, it seems. First letter of the names of everyone you have kissed? J, T, D, S. Do you like going to school sports games? No, I hated it. When Ash was a cheerleader, Mom made me go, and I was never happy about it. Have you ever worn your boyfriend’s clothes? An ex-boyfriend's, yeah. Did you get into your mom’s makeup when you were a kid? I don't think I did? Do you want anything pierced? Ugh, a lot of places. The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner? I never do. Has your partner ever accused you of cheating when you actually didn’t? I've never been accused of cheating. Has anyone ever called you stuck-up? No. I'm quite the opposite. Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? Too many, really. What are you doing this summer? Nada. Do you still watch MTV? I never did. Have you ever spent the night with the last person you kissed? Yes. What’s the dress code for your job? Do you like it? I'm unemployed. Does your job allow piercings or tattoos? ^, and this might sound stupid, but I wouldn't work at a job that didn't. Especially tattoos. No job is stopping me from doing things that improve my self-esteem and body image, particularly when I LOATHE my body. If a little bit of art makes me feel better about myself? Nobody is stopping me. What are some trends you dislike that everyone seems to love? "Crocs. Whyyyy?" <<<< THIS. First people hated them, now they love them??? They're hideous as shit. If you got married and then got divorced, would you want to re-marry? I don't really know. How often do you use lotion? Not NEARLY enough for someone with skin as dry as mine. Do you donate your old stuff to Goodwill? If so, what was the last thing you donated? Yeah. Mom recently brought some old toys, I think? How weight conscious are you? You have no fucking idea. Rent a movie or go see one in theaters? I prefer going to a theater. I enjoy the experience. What’s the biggest personality trait turn-off for a potential partner? Probably being an explosive/volatile person. I can't with that. Would you ever go on a birth control pill? I already am to regulate my period and tame the cramps. And if I was sexually active, I absolutely would want to be on it. What's your favorite late night tv show? I don’t have one. At high school do or did you participate in Spirit Week? No. Do you have a favorite vocalist? Who? Queen's Freddie Mercury will probably always top the list. If you have a favorite photographer, can you describe their work? I don't have a favorite photographer. Surprisingly. Are sex and sexual activities something you enjoy? If it's with someone I'm in love with and am in the mood, sure. What is one aspect of your life that did not turn out as you expected? I did NOT expect to reach 25 like... *gestures at self* this. What is one thing stopping you from becoming a veterinarian? I could never handle euthanizing pets and watching the families' hearts break. How long have you lived in the house you live in? Not even a year. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? I'm definitely sadder. Especially today. Do you like Subway? I do. Have you ever seen a volcano? No. Have you ever found a spider on your bed? Yes. It's the scariest shit when one skitters across your blanket, because like, you LEAST expect it to happen in the comfort of your own bed. Are you satisfied with the way your life is right now? Not even remotely, if I'm being honest. I'm at a real low. When was the last time you ate at Burger King? Years ago, when I was a vegetarian and went there for the veggie burger. How often do you cry? lol a lot Ever had a crush on a teacher? No. Can you wire a plug? ... I don't even know what you mean by "wire a plug," so obviously no lmfao. Where were you when you got your first period? Well I think I actually *started* at school, but I noticed when I got home. Can you drive? I mean I'm capable, but I'm an incredibly anxious, overly passive, and just generally terrified driver. I'm so scared of when I finally get new glasses and therefore a new permit... but I have to get used to driving. Living where I do, public transportation is very, very limited, and I just can't have people driving me places the rest of my life. Exercise or healthy eating? I sadly hate exercising SO much. I'd rather eat healthy. Did you play Red Rover when you were a child? Yeah. Are you more attracted to men or women? This can actually vary with time, which I originally thought was weird but is apparently normal for some bisexual individuals. There are spans where I feel more sexual attraction to men, and then other times women. Has anyone ever called you rich? God no, I am so far from it. What makes you feel beautiful? Nothing. Are you considered a very sensitive person? I'm way too sensitive for my own good. Have you ever told someone you never wanted to speak to them again? Yes, my dad. I regret that letter I sent him so, so much. I honestly don't know how he can treat me with so much love after the shit I said. If you could watch any TV series right now, what would it be? I am... astonishingly behind on Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty. I know, seriously incredible. I just don't watch TV, man. It's strange, I'm into the show, of course I am, I just... don't like sitting myself in front of a television and purely watching it. I'll catch up, though. Do you grind your teeth, and if so, why do you do it? No. But it's not like people have a reason they grind their teeth... they just do. Do you feel the need to rant about anything right now? If so, go for it. I could, but I'm not going to. It'll just upset me. Do you have a friend named Nick? What’s his favourite food? My sister's husband's name is Nick, but he is definitely not my friend. I can't stand his bigoted, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, racist ass. I don't know or care what his favorite food is. What are you listening to? I'm re-watching Gab and Sinow play Resident Evil 5. People can say all they want about RE5, but I love it. Do you prefer waffles or pancakes? Waffles, but only if they're still soft enough to not be considered crunchy. I prefer them because I can put peanut butter on them, and the grooves catch the syrup instead of just absorbing it all like pancakes. Do you prefer non-diet or diet soda? I don't/can't drink diet sodas because the artificial sweetener gives me a KILLER headache. Are you craving anything right now? You guys have no idea how badly I want Taco Bell for whatever reason. Which word did you say first, mama or dada? The latter. What was your first pet’s name? So, there's three answers to this. I was born into the family while we had a collie named Trigger, but I have absolutely zero memory of her. She passed when I was too young. Our first family pet that I clearly remember was Chance, our rescued cat. My first *personal* pet was either a guinea pig named Squeak or Chinese water dragon named Shadow. I can't remember who came first. Who was your best friend in elementary? It changed with the years, but I can say the three biggies were Brianna, Kim, and Quiata. Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Probably Coach Collie. He was so wise, kind, funny... He was all-around just wonderful and taught so many life lessons. When you go to a restaurant, do you have a go-to dish? Always. What is the best part of your most ordinary day? Waking up and doing my first sweep of the Internet before I get bored outta my fucking senses. Do you read any web comics? No.

Do you drink bottled water? Yeah, but like any water, it has to be COLD. Not room temperature. Not a tad chilly. I mean cooooold. When did you last use a straw? Earlier. I have a metal straw I use to drink water with because I drink faster through a straw, and with it being water, of course I want to try to drink as much as I can when I actually choose to drink water. Have you ever tackled someone to the ground? No. Do you know anyone who lies to make themselves look more interesting? My former best friend did that. She was an online friend, so it made it easy. I finally caught on and called her out on it, and then she just totally dipped. Do you like to sing? Not that much, honestly. Like sometimes I feel like it, sure, but not frequently. Are your parents in good health? No, not really. Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? No. I feel bad saying it, but I know I never could be. I could NOT clean another human being. It's one of the bajillion reasons I'm not having kids. Do you like to take naps during the day? "Like" isn't the right word. I just... need to. Most days, there is NO way I can make it 'til night without one. What movie was your favorite to see in the movie theater? Even though it was sincerely a sucky movie, I really enjoyed watching Silent Hill: Revelation because I saw the 3D version, plus the hype over my favorite franchise getting a new movie was just very exciting. Favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle character? I was never into that. Ever watched The Blair Witch Project? Yes, and I positively adore it. I genuinely think it's a genius horror movie, never showing, but telling through other methods. Have a favorite AC/DC song? Probably "You Shook Me All Night Long." Are you good at selling candy for those fundraiser things? Omg nooooo I HATED doing that shit, especially when some amount of sales were like, required for whatever bullshit reason. I hate hate hate advertising to people. My parents always bought them instead. Have you ever had a crush on someone too old for you? No. Well, besides James Hetfield, ha ha. What's your favorite Dr. Suess quote? I don't know enough quotes to have one. If you were to have wings, what would you want them to look like? Dark and dragon-esque with lots of rips and tears in them... but not enough to stop me from flying, ha ha. Have you ever broken up with someone to find you want them back later? No. Has anyone ever dared you to eat a chili pepper? Did you do it? No. Have you ever tried Thai food? No. Have you ever watched Avatar? The TV show, not the movie. I've seen I think one season with Sara so far? I actually quite enjoy it. What's your cellphone's signature for text? WOW this survey is ancient. If you smoke marijuana, what is your preferred or typical method? I don't smoke it. Do you often take painkillers? I dunno about "often," but headaches to the point I take something aren't rare for me. Do you wish you were in a relationship? I mean yes, but I know it's for the better I'm not. Have you ever been to the ER? Many times. Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? I feel extremely guilty. I try not to think about it. Where have you lived for the most part of your life? Eastern NC. How old are you? 25. What are you listening to at the moment? Powerwolf came out with a new album, so I've been bingeing the shit out of some songs, ha ha. Right now it's "Blood For Blood." Do you watch WWE Raw? Ew, no. I have NEVER gotten the appeal of wrestling. Just like... why????? Do you dye your hair? Nowhere near regularly. :/ I haven't had it dyed in a very long time, and I hate it. I love colored hair. We just can't afford that expense on something so little. My hair does NOT take dye easily, so we have to have a professional do it, and that isn't exactly cheap. Have you ever lived in a different country that the one you’re living in? No. Which of your parents will you see next? I live with my mother, so. Have you fallen asleep in school? Not in class, no. In college when I would be in the library between classes, though, I've dozed before. Have you ever been hospitalized? Yes, but not for physical issues. Do you make fun of obese people? You're talking to someone who is. So obviously no, and you're a piece of fucking shit if you do. Do you have an innie or an outtie? Innie. Have you ever tried to headbang? No. Even as a metalhead, I don't get it, man. You're asking for a headache. Do you own any Converse? What do you think of them? I have a few and like them. Have you ever started a rumor? No. Have you ever been in a position of authority? I mean, I'm an admin on two sites, so I guess? Were your ancestors royalty? Yeah, I'm related to one of the Queen Victorias, I believe. I just know she had a thing for beheading people, ha ha. What do you like on your pasta/noodles? Sauce, butter, grated cheese, etc.? Just tomato sauce and meatballs, really. Who is the most ungrateful person you know? What makes them this way? My fucking ex-best friend. You could never, ever give her enough and she just... blegh. She was so fucking ungrateful for everything people did for her. It was just never enough. Do you like cherry Pepsi? I like cherry Coke. I don't like Pepsi. Have you ever held an uncommon pet before (ex: mouse, spider, snake, lizard)? I've held snakes, rats, lizards, and a tarantula. Who did you last play truth or dare with? No clue. Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day? No. When were you the saddest in your life? 2016. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? No. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? Yeah, they've moved out. What was the most unique pet you’ve owned? I'd probably say my champagne ball python. A lot of people don't even know ball python morphs exist, so seeing her might surprise some people. Do you like Doritos? Yeah. When you buy clothes, do you always try them on first? No, but I need to learn how to... I just HATE doing it. Have you used bugspray recently? No. Do you enjoy swimming in the ocean? Yesssss. Have you ever tried to sew or knit anything? No. Has something ever happened to you that seemed like it was from a movie? Most of Jason's and my relationship felt like one. Hence why the breakup felt so sudden and just impossible. Do you find yourself to be a believer in love at first sight? Not even remotely. Is there something you want to do, that you swear you will, no matter what? Spread Teddy's ashes in Yellowstone. I promised him. Are you longing for the day that you’ll be an adult? (If you’re not already) I am an adult, and it sucks. What’s something you’ve vowed to never eat? Any meat that was hunted. Have you ever owned a diary/journal with a lock and key? I don't believe so. When you were little, what movie did you watch over and over? Mostly Disney films, like The Lion King and Finding Nemo. Are you deathly allergic to anything? No. Do you know what you want for your dream house? Nope. I honestly don't really care about having a "dream" house to begin with. I just need one that's cozy to me and gets the job done. Have you ever seen the movie The Notebook? Many, many times. It's my favorite romance movie. Have you ever used the photo editing site “Picnik”? No, not to my memory. Has an animal ever taken a strong dislike to you? Our old dog Bentley didn't like me all that much, and I didn't like him, either. Have you ever attempted to cut your own hair? No. Do you have a lucky or special coin? No. Do you love ice cream cake more than normal cake? No. Do you check your email daily? No. Is there anyone you know who’s in any way paralyzed? No. For you, do you commonly feel more jealousy or envy? Envy. Do you rely on the heads/tails flipping of a coin sometimes for decisions? No. Has a laptop ever burned your legs? Yes, actually. For a while many years ago, my old laptop left subtle burn marks on my legs. Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? My nephew's is next month. Do you like Laffy Taffy? I doooo. Are your biceps at all noticeable? Ha, no. Have you ever seen a walrus? Maybe when I went to SeaWorld as a kid? Did you ever have one of those easy bake ovens as a kid? Yup. If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? Sure. What flavor cake do you like for your birthday? Red velvet. Have you ever had a job you loved? Nope. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? Yikes, no. Have you ever written a poem for someone? Two people. Have you been best friends with someone of a different race? Yes. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve met online? Sara. What was the name of the first porcelain doll you got? I was very afraid of dolls as a kid, so I obviously didn't have one. Do you sell any products? If so, what? I mean, I'm a wannabe photographer that sells my service. Owls or peacocks? Owls. Lions or horses? Lions. Can you still fit into kid’s clothes? Hell no. What devotional do you read, if any? None. What do you make wishes on? I only ever do for the tradition of it on my birthday. I don't believe in the magic of wishes, though. Have you ever made a recipe you found in a magazine? No. Are you bitter about anything? Probably always will be. Have you ever been in a love triangle? No. How bad are your hangovers? Never had one. Have you ever broken a bone? If so, what was the cause of it? Yes. It was identified as a fracture, but a break and a fracture are technically like the same thing, so. At a skating rink, I fell and landed on my hand so the top of it nearly touched my arm, so my wrist got FUCKED. I will never, ever forget the severity of the pins and needles feeling and just the experience in general. It hurt so goddamn bad. Is this the best year of your life? Fuck no.

#in other words i don't feel like thinking up song lyrics for three surveys at once lmao #survey #surveys #random questions

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robyndehood · 3 years

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My Son's Story (pt. 1)

DISCLAIMER: I Know it's a bit of a long read, but it's important. Please read. I promise it isn't boring. Thank you!

Hi Everyone,

Intro

This is my first real attempt at Tumblr. Please contact me if anything I post violates a rule or is not considered appropriate. Anything I post, I truly mean no harm nor offense to anyone. But I need to write daily again to regain my gift and share it with the world. I have been working on my version of the "great American novel" for years. As a child, I was well on my way to becoming a successful author, but people had other ideas for my career path - and to put it bluntly - my contribution to society. Writer's block set in and then what was second nature to me - creative writing, became a lost skill. Or maybe a distant memory. Writers know that half the struggle as an artist is the dilemma of our own aspiration towards perfection. But nothing is perfect. It is a social construct and the antithesis of true beauty.

The Ultimate Birthday Gift

So, that said, let's talk about my son. He's three - he's actually turning four in December. He was born on my birthday and has been the greatest gift that I have ever received. I won't pretend that he is perfect or even generally compliant with my directions. But he's loving. He's empathetic. He's brilliant. He's beautiful. And most of all, he is the sweetest person I have ever met.

I am going to go slightly off-topic for a bit; just to paint the full picture. I don't want to ramble and I am definitely a believer that a short and to the point message is almost always far superior to a long and complicated message. But bear with me because this snippet of the backstory is essential. And my son's story is important.

Appalachia

We live in Pittsburgh, part of the Appalachian Mountain Range. There is no other way to say it than the unadulterated, ugly truth of it - Pittsburgh is racist. Very racist. Beyond that, there is a general lack of common courtesy to outsiders, customers of businesses, other patrons in stores, etc. And the rudeness, is actually pretty much unrelated to the racism. It sounds strange and surely, minorities who are on the receiving end of it would certainly assume that racism was the reason why they said "excuse me," "thank you," etc. and about half the time are ignored like they're a ghost. But don't get it twisted - there are many times the aforementioned behaviors by many Pittsburghers IS induced by racism AND a lack of common courtesy and manners. You see, their deep-seated tribalism is indoctrinated into many Pittsburghers so completely from a young age that they know no different. It would be difficult for them to understand this article and I'd bet anyone ten bucks that if enough PIttsburghers read this post - they will attack my analysis of Pittsburghese culture as though the post itself is a blitz on the entire city.

Brown or White?

I am latin and there aren't many latins in Pittsburgh. But when we moved to Pittsburgh when I was in seventh grade, people knew my last name. Summer had just passed and I do get brown. I can get brown very quickly in the right type of sun and I get brown eventually in the sun that exists in cloudy and northern Pittsburgh. In seventh grade, some boys decided it would be funny to call me "estupido," and up until two years ago, I avoided sun exposure that would reveal my "brownness" like the plague.

Subversive, Subconscious, and Secret Racism

So, not long after I started that strategy, I was treated as white. (Side note: latins can be any race; but it seems that societal constructs are seeking to change this long accepted designation and categorize latins as some in between, brown race and not an ethnicity. To be honest, I am ok with that and now proud to be latin.)

The reality of being treated white in Pittsburgh for many years was that I learned what white people actually said when they were only with other whites. The most common thing that was said was one white person mumbling to other white people that someone was a "dumb n******" or a "dumb monkey." I've heard white adults refer to children who were black as "n***lets." But it was always this crocodile smiling through their teeth behavior. They'd never dare say it to a black person. Instead, they'd just indirectly discriminate against them.

I do have to mention that by no means do all Pittsburghers behave this way. It's just too many of them. I don't know the percentage, but if I had to guess I'd say - 50% plus.

Yes, Racism Happens All The Time Even if You Don't See it Happen

Many white people will tell you that racism is gone because they don't ever observe it and Obama was president - a black president. Therefore, everything is now over. I can admit that I have experienced my share of discrimination when my skin darkens. But I had no clue how bad it was for black people out here until my son became the recipient of the ugliness of it all. To me, racists are by definition ignorant cowards; so it makes sense they'd pick on a small boy whose only family is his mother.

Evil Always Starts Slowly

If one reviews history, every evil dictator or regime began slowly chipping away human rights. By the time the citizens realized the dire state of their country, it was too late. Their freedoms were already taken away and mechanisms to fight back had also been methodically erased.

When my son was born - a boy who is half African (his father (if you want to call him that since he is basically not involved) is from Ghana); no issues arose for the first two and a half years. But then the indirect discrimination started. The same rules that applied for white children didn't apply to him. I could give so many examples. But let's just say, as a rambunctious boy, if my son mimicked a white boy's same rambunctious behavior, we were confronted and the white family was not confronted.

One day I made an appointment for my son's hair to get cut at Philip Pelusi. They made the appointment knowing that he was only two and a half. The receptionist let me know that the stylist was a "Grade A Stylist," so I would have to pay more. I was fine with paying more; cool. After the appointment was made, I mentioned to the receptionist that my son was mixed race. We ended the call and I began to get my son ready to leave. Within ten minutes, the salon called back and informed me that they didn't/wouldn't cut my son's "type of hair." I promptly returned the call and explained his hair was curly, that's all. They blatantly lied and told me that the stylist doesn't cut ANY curly hair. Right. So, if a white lady came in with curly hair she would be turned away? I doubt it. Either way, the stylist is "Grade A." She is also licensed to cut hair by the state. Shouldn't a requirement for state licensing require one to know how to cut all "types of hair"?; I saved the recording, by the way, and still have it.

As months progressed, little by little wherever my son and I went in "white areas," we felt hostile vibes. Other incidents occurred that couldn't be proven as racial discrimination, but I knew. Whites behaved as though my son didn't deserve to be around them.

Southern Hospitality

We traveled down south a few times in the past year. Yes, some of the south is very racist still to this day. But not where we drove. Suddenly people responded when we said "excuse me," "thank you," etc. No white families prevented my son from playing with their children. No one told me my son was a nuisance or put out that vibe.

The Lesser of Two Evils?

But we had to come back each time because we live here and I've been working my way out of the projects that I have lived in for four years. Shootings. Open drug use and sales. The smell of crack in the hallways. Infestations in other apartments that come our way no matter what we try. People peeing on the hallway floors. Yes, seriously. Young children being encouraged to bully and beat up other kids. Children stealing or attempting to steal my son's toys because their mothers buy them none. Gamgmembers as young as twelve.

So, I concluded: "yes, we will move, but until then, we only sleep in our apartment and we do not play at the projects' playground." I figured IF I saved a certain number of money since I have a car that I saved for and bought last year, we would make it in our new, chosen city (Tampa or Jacksonville).

But then the racism against my son in the "white playgrounds" became worse. One day he was playing with a five year old boy at an indoor playground. The mother had no issue with it. The father of the boy arrived half an hour in, promptly scooped the boy away from my son, and told his son that he had told him he was not to "play with n*****s." My son couldn't understand why he could no longer play with his new friend and kept calling to him, "friends again!" while sobbing because he thought he had upset the boy. I had to leave with my son because of it.

Another time, a ten-year-old boy taunted my son on an outdoor playground and called him a "dumb monkey." My son first attempted to yell, "I NOT DUMB MONKEY," a few times; but the boy persisted and even smirked in my direction. My son ran to me and asked me to make the boy stop. No parent in sight and again, I just had to leave with my son.

Enough is Enough

Finally, last month or so, my son and I were at our usual laundromat doing laundry. We had finished. My son skipped a few steps in front of me and tried to open the glass door but couldn't push the bar to open it because of his height. He placed (yes, placed..lightly) his foot on the door to try to give it a bit more of a nudge. I was a few seconds behind him so just pushed the door open and we went to our car to load our clean laundry into it. In retrospect, I saw an older white male go next door to the beer store right after we walked out of the laundromar. The beer store employee approached us as I loaded my laundry into my car and then intended to leave.

The beer store employee told me he was getting "reports that kids were kicking glass." He said kids. Plural. And what he said made me envision a bunch of grade school kids kicking around broken glass on the sidewalk or parking lot. I responded calmly that "I have one kid and he's been with me the whole time. He wasn't involved." The beer store employee wanted drama to transpire. It was obvious. He said in a threatening manner: "Just so you know, I have cameras." My son and I exchanged glances because we were confused. What kids? Kids were kicking glass. Where? What glass?

Again though, I calmly responded that my son wasn't involved and he should check his cameras. He told me he was calling the cops. So I got my three-year-old son in his car seat and set a time limit of ten minutes to wait. We weren't running when he didn't do anything. The cops of course showed up about a minute later. It's ridiculous because in our projects (different police department than the laundromat police department), there have been shootings where children were outside playing when several clips were emptied into crowds and the police station is a block away. I know people called and it took an hour for them to arrive on scene.

Long story short, the laundromat cops knew it was a bullshit call. The supposed "kicking glass" was because my son placed his foot on the door to try to open it when we were LEAVING. The police eventually informed us that was the alleged "kicking of glass." There was no kicking that happened. The door wasn't even dirtier, let alone damaged because my son tried to use his foot to open the door. Lightly, by the way.

Even though the police were kind to my son, for the next week, my usual gregarious child was terrified to go anywhere. He eventually told me it was because "the cops will chase me and take me to jail because I bad guy now."

He's over it now. Mostly.

But we still have to pick between the craziness of playing at our aforementioned projects or going to a "white playground" and risking my son being rejected. It's usually a 50/50 shot that he will be rejected. If he gets rejected, he gets very upset.

Again, these are problems we never faced on our travels down the southern eastern seaboard. We didn't get treated like this at the destinations or on the journey by car to and from the destinations.

I knew we were living in an extremely racist and rude area, but one day I found this. It's a map delineating the results of a study conducted by Google and others regarding the level of racism in different parts of the country.

I already knew this much. But it's good to know I'm right that we are in the worst part of the U.S. for racism and the kindness we received traveling to those certain southern states was no illusion. And I did ask locals before I found this map if I was right that people are kinder to all colors in whichever given area.

Not the Worst Thing That Happened But the Last Straw

People talk a lot about Karens these days. This lady looked like she jumped right out of a Karen meme. My son was two feet away from her while we waited in line and she said as obnoxiously as possible: "Can you handle this? Please get him out of MY space." Yeah, I didn't let it go. At all. Her argument was that she said "please" so it's OK to make my son feel like a "this" and not a little boy. I held him while he sobbed. Long story short, I decided right then anywhere has to be better than this.

It isn't me just knowing people are being nasty to my son and I'm upset. He understands. He had an evaluation for something and he tested very well. He cried about each of these incidents. He just wants to make people smile and make friends.

So, next month we are going for it. I'm no where close to the aforementioned goal. I have some savings. We may end up in shelters at first after savings dry up in a few weeks. But we cannot survive up here. Nor can we advance here.

Side Note

I wrote this mostly to inform others of the status quo and reality of racism and the real effects it has on one tiny boy. And I know it will just get worse if we stay since it's this bad already.

But if you anyone knows of any resources to help us get on our feet in a month in Tampa or Jacksonville (Tampa is my first choice, but either one.) I have applied for housing, even though I didn't and don't want to go back to projects; but I'd take one down there over watching my son endure so much pain any day of the week.

Ok, so final part: I'm going to say upfront I feel extremely awkward with this paragraph because this isn't my way (years before my son was born I was homeless for a stint and never sat with a sign or a cup. Just couldn't do it), but for my son, I'm going to drop my cashtag here. Everyone is struggling and I know there are people with much worse problems. I appreciate anyone who has read this far and can help spread the reality of what I wrote about. That's the reason for the article; but if help is received at all because of it, we would be grateful but it's definitely a far second most important reason for the post. Here it goes, for my baby, in case it'll change his life and give us that better foot up, here it is: $RobyndeHood

#black love #blm #race and politics #kids #parenthood #parenting #latinboys #latin women #writers on tumblr #black lives matter #black stories #nonprofit #karens

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softer-ua · 3 years

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"I'll be good" by Jaymes Young for the song ask(if it's still open?) It's a song I hold very close to my heart!

Yes! Song analysis recommends are still open! Especially for this one, as it’s also a favorite of mine 💚

This song makes me think of Endeavor and on a smaller scale Bakugo, which narratively is the point. For every small cruelty Bakugo has dished out Endeavor has put out 10 bigger ones.

We’re supposed to look at Endeavor who’s been blinded by his goal of being number one and see that Bakugo very easily could have gone from a school yard menace to a real life villain. And by extension I think we’re supposed to realize that could happen to any of us if we don’t practice being empathetic people.

They’ve both had wake up calls to see the worst of themselves reflected back at them. The truth is bitter and burns to swallow, but gives them clarity.

Bakugo had to realize the fear of his own weaknesses turned him into a bully, which is basically as unheroic as you can get without committing actual crime.

Endeavor committed several actual crimes and has left a long reaching path of destruction in his wake. From how he’s treated his family to how he’s interacted with fans. Rei has been pretty much permanently hospitalized, Toya lost his mind faked his death and became a mass murderer intent on collapsing society, and Todoroki has spent most of his childhood isolated and flopping between terrified of and enraged at Endeavo, and just full of bitter resentments. Insana was left with a bitter taste and some random fanboy idolized the fact that Endeavor was cruel to fans. Honestly a terrible legacy all around.

Endeavor never meant to set his family’s lives on fire, and Bakugo never wanted to watch Deku bleed like this. By attempting to be better people themselves they hope to offset some of the damages done.

By allowing themselves to be open to loving the people and the world around them there is hope that they can make up for some of the heartless things they’ve done.

People don’t necessarily get to redo or undo things they’ve done, but they can try to ensure they don’t let the fire spread. They can try to break the cycle they’ve created and put something better in its place, it doesn’t erase anything but it does give a chance for better growth.

Both have used violence as a way to control people and try to shape them into what they believed was their place.

Ironically in exact opposite directions, Endeavor wanted Shoto to be raised higher and Bakugo wanted to break Deku down

In another ironic twist it had the opposite effects. Shoto became stunted and refused to use half of himself, and Deku used it to a way to push himself to get stronger.

Both believed that being kind left them weaker

Endeavor showed no mercy in training Shoto, going hard enough to make a 5 year old throw up. Perhaps he believed it was showing Toya mercy that drove him to an early grave and hoped to not repeat that mistake, because surly it couldn’t be imposing his own adult life goals on children that was wrong.

(Side note…Does Shoto ever get to see a doctor after that punch to the gut? The human body is very opposed to losing calories, throwing up is a pretty last resort defense measure, like it’s choosing the possibility of starvation over whatever it thinks is wrong(usually poison or disease) for it to be the result of blunt force? That’s very very bad.…Doctors are mandatory reports tho, and bruising from fists is pretty recognizable.…Do they have a paid off doctor or was Endeavor just risking Shoto dying from a bleeding liver and popped kidneys? Sorry for getting side tracked, this thought just lives rent free in my head)

Bakugo’s fear of being weak hurts my soul, how much has got to go wrong at home for a child to hold a what very well could have been a life long grudge for being asked if he’s okay after falling down? I ask if people are okay if they trip up a little, like not even falling down just a small stumble that might not even slow them down. How neglected is he??

Also where are they’re parents? They’re like 6 at max, why are they wondering the woods by themselves?? Between Bakugo falling and him slapping Dekus hand away someone over 4 feet tall should have been stepping in. Dekus was right it would have been bad if he’d hit his head, cause he’d have been left to lie their bleeding in a creekbed letting who knows what seep into the wound while someone ran for help. Wtf is wrong with this world’s parents

Endeavor and Bakugo are both terrified of the repercussions of their actions

Endeavor may very well have literal blood on his, how many people did Toya kill while still a minor?

“I’m the Deku who always does his best”- screams Deku, while his limbs are basically glorified bags of pudding with bone shards sprinkled in for aestheticism. Thats quiet a wake up call… that definitely doesn’t weigh on the conscience of the guy who created that nickname.…Bakugo probably goes to bed at 8 pm because that’s when he takes his sleeping pills and it can be unpredictable how fast acting they are, falling asleep at 8:30 or 12…

They have had so much good handed to them you’d think they’d have more love in them for all of it.

Instead all they’ve seen is what they don’t have, and have shut out all the good around them and spent years causing pain for others

But it’s never too late to be good

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idgaf-what-you-call-me · 3 years

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This is the first time, outside of therapy, that I am opening up fully my past, I ask that you remain respectful.

Trigger warnings: Suicide, torture, neglect, alcoholism, … a lot listen you’ve got to be well resourced before you read this.

I know Dean, because I was Dean. I was raised to be “perfect”, I am so much like my dad, I didn’t have a childhood, I was tortured, I have lost time (dissociation not possession by an arc angel), I am fairly closeted, and I’m finally starting to get better.

Ever since a very young child, I was raised to be perfect. To look at a 99 and learn what I got wrong before I brought the grade home, otherwise, I was sent to study. I was raised to not be heard and taught to stay in my room. I was raised to not show emotion because anything more than stoic meant that I was an inconvenience. I had “fend for yourself nights” where I had to sort out what I would eat for dinner, and at inexcusably young ages, 5-6 years old. I learned to shoot at 8, and was taken fishing anytime my dad went. I was brought to the construction sites, learned how to use power tools, and eventually had my own set at home. While I wasn’t trained to hunt demons or other things that go bump in the night, I was molded to be just like my dad. My mom wasn’t around much when I was a kid, so I idolized my father. He was like a god to me. As I got older (legal), I even would drink things that my dad approved of like scotch and I smoked cigars. Often praised, “that’s my girl! Look guys, my daughter drinking scotch and smoking a cigar! Where are your kids?” The validation was like a high to me. I was desperate for his approval. Just like Dean. Talked like his dad, walked like his dad, drank like his dad, I get it.

I was blatantly ignored including being told that I was invisible by siblings. They would hold up a remote to me and say, “you’re invisible” and ignore me. I could leave the house and they would not come look for me. With my mom and dad often gone (usually working or partying we were quite poor), I didn’t have anyone looking after me since I was 4 so when my dad was around, much like Dean, all I wanted to do was make him happy and proud of me.

I was a closeted bisexual, who made so many gay jokes towards my cishet brother that I feel quite a bit of shame as an adult. I repressed every facet of desire I had for the opposite gender because being bisexual really meant that I must be gay. At least that is what Will and Grace told me, and I did not want to be gay. Things were bad enough, I didn’t need to add to my shit pile. By the time I was 12, I had no idea how to feel emotions and I had no idea how to love myself. Most days, now at 29, I still don’t know how to love myself. I am not out to everyone in my family. I don’t feel safe with everyone. All the gay jokes between the brothers, all the Dean is bi subtext, I lived a lot of it.

Torture can take the shape of many different forms but they fall under two umbrellas: physical and psychological. I was subjected to sound torture and sleep deprivation forms of physical torture that have lasting psychological effects. When you live through something like that, you don’t “rebound” in the traditional sense, and I would dissociate. My consciousness would retreat back into itself until it was safe enough to come back.

I dreaded Thursday nights as that is when it would begin. My father would bring home several cases of Michelob Ultra, from the store, and then he would start drinking. My dad didn’t measure his consumption in beers, instead he measured by the case. A form of extreme binge drinking that to this day I still don’t completely understand. While he would drink, his music would get progressively louder and louder until the whole house vibrated with noise.

There are some songs and artists that I cannot listen to anymore. They’re not songs by Metallica or Black Sabbath, instead they’re by Credence Clearwater Revival, Bob Dylan, Van Morrison and the like. Songs that people dance to at their weddings, sing at funerals, and enjoy on a road trip with the entire family. They are generally described as lively yet not heavy, yet this music was the conduit of 5 years of actual torture for me. I used to say that these were my favorite songs, but it was a way to cope with hearing them at home, and then hearing them play in the car on the way to school the next morning. In my house, the music was played so loudly that walls and floors shook and overwhelmed my senses and ability to sleep, think, do anything but have a heartbeat and breathe. It would last all night. I never learned to “fall asleep” I would pass out. To this day, I can be desperately tired, and able to drive for several hours without being a dangerous driver. Like my body learned to ignore fatigue. “I just need like 4 hours every couple of days,” yeah Deano, I’ve been there.

I would freeze mentally. Almost like a zone out but on steroids. Then I’d look around and things wouldn’t feel real to me. I would look in the mirror and see a stranger. Now I understand that I had developed dpdr as a way to cope. I don’t wish it on anyone.

My mother? She would leave the house and go clubbing. My siblings were 8 years older than me and lived on their own a great distance from where I lived. Besides, I had school to go to on Fridays. So I cooked, I monitored myself, I had to become an adult. I didn’t get to be a kid. My catharsis was angsty and fluffy Harry Potter fan fiction. You can find it on FF.net, RandHrFan I no longer post with that handle. Dean’s were movies, movies that my dad, and I’d wager his dad watched. I also love westerns just like my dad and my grandfather, there is something about them.

When Dean cries and opens up to Sam about his hell experiences, I get it. I’m so proud of him for telling Sam. To some it seems like he’s closed off but he’s not. He’s opening up as much as he mentally can. And Sam listens. Just like my sister eventually did. When Dean gets mad and yells at John and Mary, I’m proud of him, because he is fighting for himself. He knew he deserved better and he didn’t let it go. Just like I have done in my not so distant past.

All the while my parent’s marriage was fracturing and I was mentally declining. My mom began sleeping in my room and in my bed, and I was basically left to sleep on the couch. On days when my dad would drink, and my mom would go out, I could get to be in my room again. I could be on the computer (laptops weren’t a thing yet) which lived in my room. I could connect with the two other friends on AIM, but the reality of my situation I couldn’t escape. I was isolated, didn’t trust my family and I didn’t know how to ask for help.

One day I attempted to take my life. I saw no value in it. What was I doing with my life. I was a broken human who didn’t deserve love, who didn’t deserve safety, who didn’t deserve well anything. So I downed a bottle of pills. I had an iron clad stomach, I wasn’t too worried about not being successful. Except, I sent a goodbye message to a friend, and that friend saved my life. He got a hold of my sister who got to me in enough time to make me throw up. (She was a champ at that, having suffered from bulimia and taught to throw up from no other than my dad.)

I didn’t receive help afterwards. I signed a paper saying that I wouldn’t attempt again and was taken home. (I hope this isn’t how hospitals roll anymore.) I left my house, I went to school out of state and found stability, created stability for myself. But my past still haunted me whenever I went home. So when Dean has a death wish, and gets discharged from hospitals before he’s stable, I get it.

My parents eventually divorced, and I came home to a place where I couldn’t live anymore for a solid couple of months, I couch surfed, and again my mental health took a nosedive, but nevertheless, I persisted. I got my head back in the game, and finished my degree. Chemistry. I couldn’t go back home, because if I did I’d be working for my dad. I couldn’t do that, it was too painful. So I went to grad school. I got my Ph.D. I began to chart my own path. But there was a rage in me that I couldn’t escape. I lashed out at anyone and everyone to hide the pain that I felt all the time. People were afraid of me. I was great at what I did but I couldn’t make lasting connections with others.

When I was 27 suicidal ideations became dangerous, and I got about as dark. I tried to harm myself, and wanted my world to burn. It didn’t matter that I was married, with pets, and owned a home. Nothing mattered. I finally had to decide between life and death, I couldn’t continue in that state. I can say confidently that I would be dead if I didn’t get help that day. I wish Dean had this chance. He gets close to this in moments with Cas when he is honest about his feelings and experiences, he cries, he gets angry, lashes out, but Cas is there for him. From someone like Dean, I’ll tell you Cas being present holds more weight than gold for Dean.

I have been in intense therapy for a year. By intense I do mean more than once a week, regular check ins with her, and the occasional group session. She sends me articles to read, homework, and we do EMDR work, emotional integration therapy, mindfulness, etc.

It was then that I began to learn that all the rage that I had built inside me was hiding intense fear, loss, and disappointment. The rage gave way to tears, and the tears gave way to a new anger that I could make peace with. That anger comes from the person I am today. The person who fights for herself. Who doesn’t take shit from anyone. The person who says, humans don’t break, vases break, and I am a human. I see a lot of that in late season Dean. He is a fighter.

But I am still the person who receives a compliment and shuts down, there is still a side of me that doesn’t believe that I deserve nice things, good things to happen to me, but that person is getting smaller. My therapist likes to hit me with compliments when I am vulnerable as I am more likely to believe them. I still react like a dead fish when she says them, and then after the session sob for hours over it. One day my head and my heart will believe the same things about myself. I would have reacted the same way as Dean to that confession.

When the cards fall, I still know that I can depend on myself before anyone else because I had to. My life as an impoverished, unstable, depressed, neglected, and abused kid says I should be dead or amounting to nothing, but hear I am. I’ve now closely mentored about 20 undergraduate students, a handful of graduate students, and have helped them find their paths in life. I have taught nearly 1000 students. I made a difference with the life that I tried to throw away.

I have come to a place where I can love my dad. He is sober again, and yes, my love for him does depend on his sobriety. When he is drinking he is not the same person. I wouldn’t call him an A+ dad by a long shot, and hell I am so much like him that at times it makes me sick, but I do love him. I have been able to forgive him. Forgive in the sense that I can make peace with what happened. It doesn’t change what happened or how much it affected me, and I certainly don’t forget, but that isn’t what forgiveness is. I don’t hold the rage anymore. The fact that Dean is able to is personal for Dean, as it is for me, and it isn’t some “family that is what you do” type reason.

I do experience flashbacks when there are fireworks, I can’t go to a movie theatre because of the volume, when people play really loud music in their cars I typically have to peel off into a parking lot and meditate for 20 minutes to be able to drive again. There are some stores that I don’t shop at because their music triggers me. So when Dean experiences those flashbacks, I get it.

There is a belief in the psychology that monster shows help us become comfortable with our dark sides. My dark side saved me over and over again. My dark side told me to be better than them. My dark side told me to fight for me, to adopt a survivor mindset. (If you can’t tell I am a green veined Slytherin and have never been sorted into any other house even by random house generators.) The things I delight in are a bit off color. I cultivate a poison garden, consume way too much true crime, to gore I say give me s’more and so on. Dean gets to experience his dark side, and he has to make peace with it. He makes inappropriate jokes, laughs at it, but he also does talk about it.

This is the hard part: Just like Dean, I am also light. I love people (vomit), seriously though, they are more precious to me than any earthly possession. Plants bring me serenity. Animals are a comfort and companion in the worst of times. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do to protect living things. My motivations come from a place of love and a need to protect others from what I have been through. I know I can survive, but I don’t know if that is true for everyone else.

I know Dean. I was Dean. I see that every episode. Moments when he yells and screams for himself, I cheer him on. Moments where he tries to waste his life away, I understand, and am crying right with him. The purgatory apology guts me, I’ve had to make that apology more than once. The dead fish reaction, hell that is me at the end of a therapy session. I am here to say: Dean is not broken. Dean is strong. Dean is resilient. Dean doesn’t just fight for himself, he fights for the whole of creation. Dean is not a vase. He is a human.

Oh and John’s taste in beer, much like my fathers, is crap. Don’t drink shitty beer. Also, I don’t drink scotch anymore. I'm a gin girl and I drink *okay* beer.

I’m the same blogger who does drunk blogging regarding Supernatural on Saturdays. It is a lovely bit of comfort and joy for me and I won’t be stopping any time soon. We will get back to the lovely and light “Dean is Bi he he” commentary this weekend.

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butterfly-winx · 4 years

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its probably the helia stan in me but id love to read an origin story! idk if youre planning one for all of them but i really like your worldbuilding so id read them! and i know others would too! 💞 (also that fairy sketch was beautiful and if youre planning on it id love to hear more about him 👀)

Aahh ugh, I don’t actually have a lot fleshed out for Cyanox, except that he is the Guardian of Prometia and neutral to a fault. And also unintentionally the reason for why/how Layla gained the ability to modify Sirenix into Crystal Sirenix to adapt to cold and high pressure environments.

I am far too disorganised to make one collection post for the backgrounds of all characters I messed with, so I guess, here goes nothing. *cracks knuckles* Buckle in for the ride! (content warning for death and lethal illnesses)

Helia was born on Lynphea in a middle sized settlement in the moderate-warm Eastern Forests of Lynphea. I talk about the zones, culture and dangers of Lynphea here, so I don’t want to repeat myself too much, but Helia’s village was much closer to the borders of the Death Zone the virus has claimed for itself than what would have been advisable. Back then, they thought Viaj would exhaust the surrounding natural resources and its people would move on long before the spread of the virus would become a danger to them. Oh how wrong they were. All it took was the change of the wind one summer.

Helia had been only five and then some and the world was still too vivid in his eyes, lights filtering through leaves a spectacle every day he accompanied one of his caretakers on a simple errand. He was the one who found the earliest warning sign, a fungal growth on a long leaf of gras that was the manifestation of the plague befalling its plant hosts. Not quite comprehending what that meant in his young age, Helia struggled for a long time with guilt about the terror his discovery brought, wishing he would have never played in the prairie. Like that would have avoided anything.

The inhabitants of Viaj actually gained a head start through his discovery though that potentially spared other communities, however it couldn’t help theirs. They quarantined immediately, drew up a magic barrier to protect everyone from the airborne spores that carry the virus from plants to humans. But doing so they gave up hunting and gathering and were entirely reliant on the rations the other communities would send with the quarantine workers. Though even those trickled to a stop when the first person fell sick with the cough and the tell-tale black spots formed on their mucous membrane. People saw no use in wasting resources on people who were damned to die. The best they could do now was limit travel to the edge of the Eastern Forest and set more scientists on recalculating the projected spread of the virus.

Lynpheans practice a philosophy of “live and let die” not hanging onto things beyond their lifespan, so this was seen as neither cruel or unusual, but show me one person who is truly prepared to die such a horrific, slow death in order to upkeep the natural order. The people of Viaj didn’t want to die, and they certainly didn’t deserve to die. But people fell like flies, until about three months later only Helia, Naoqi, the last adult, and Tsilla, the very last baby born in midst of all that, were alive. Naoqi cared for Helia and the baby as best as he could and in doing so became a replacement parental figure in Helia’s eyes. He did everything he could to make the horrible experience slightly lighter to bear for the children, but when the magic barrier keeping the wind away fell, there was little he could have done to stave off the inevitable.

Helia was left alone, with a not even five moth old baby and no way of feeding himself or the baby. With nothing else left, he braved the forest and looked for the quarantine workers who were no doubt overseeing the area, which marked the last time Helia ever walked in the forests of his home. The quarantine workers were more than surprised by the tenacious boy with a baby in his arms and finding out he was still alive after what they thought was final exhaustion has set in.

The next thing after that that Helia actually remembers is waking up on Magics with Saladin greeting him, introducing himself as a distant relative. The truth was a lot more complicated than that. The quarantine workers have taken Helia to the nearest hospital to treat him for the effects of starvation, because miraculously, the disease had still not taken hold of him after five months of exposure. Hermetically locked in a wing of the hospital, he was the most prised and most dangerous person and study artefact on the whole planet. His comatose slumber was watched from behind plexi glas and every then available humoral test was run on him to find out why he of all people had proved to be immune. If he was immune at all.

Meanwhile Saladin arrived on planet as he heard the news of the demise of his hometown, of his family. Even back then he had not been the pride of the planet and his relationship with his family had been strained because of the wars he had chosen to be involved in. All of that didn’t matter the instant lives were on the line and Saladin wanted nothing more than one last exchange of letters he would never get to make everything alright again. No power in the world would ever grant him that, but having powerful friends in the right circles granted him something else. Information, that a young Viaj boy was still alive in the Epidemiology Research Centre. He may be the future, the solution to all of their problems with a DNA hiding the secrets to immunity. Saladin immediately inquired, dug deeper demanding to see the boy, but the Council denied him visitation rights. He had to strike an underhanded deal with the co-leader of the research project under a false name to find out Helia wasn’t even awake, but held in a magically induced coma for observational purposes. The scientist talked on and on about the possibilities and what they would do after they go the genes needed but Saladin blew up at that point. How dare they treat this boy like an object, like his loss wouldn’t be felt by anyone, should one of the procedures go wrong. Like all his life could hold from now on was an ultimate sacrifice for the benefit of the many. He wouldn’t even be able to comprehend that if told. With Saladin blowing a fuse, the research centre blew up too and he fled the planet that night with an unconscious Helia in his arms.

So what felt like a night of knocked-in-the-head-by-a-horse sleep to Helia was actually close to four weeks in real world time. He has no concrete memory of what Saladin saved him from, but enough peripheral perception of what transpired planetside to make sense of the ramifications. Technically, Helia’s DNA is public property of the Lynphea Council, and technically both him and Saladin have an arrest warrant hanging over their head for the destruction and property damage caused. If Helia were to ever set foot on Lynphea again (or even go to a country that has an extradition treaty with them) he would be taken back to the Research Centre to be dissected to the smallest molecules until he yielded answers.

While Helia was able to grow up in Magics in relative safety, the virus was still wreaking damage on Lynphea. Saladin (and to a lesser extent Helia) made the incredibly difficult decision to reject the experimentation on Helia and thus deny the population of their home a potential treatment to an otherwise lethal infection. It is an incredibly heavy burden and no day passes that they don’t question the rightness of their choice.

Helia can certainly appreciate the moral conflict now, but as a child he was much more difficult to manage. The switch from a huge nurturing family to one primary carer to rely on was harsh on Helia, who was already traumatised and needing love and affection. Saladin did the best he could, but running a school and otherwise being a Universe-wide known hero didn’t help. After they grew close on the tail end of Helia’s childhood, they explosively drew apart during his tweens, Helia not able or reluctant to understand the restrictions Saladin placed on his life.

First, he was unwilling to share as much about Lynphean culture and way of life as Helia wished to know, saying that he wouldn’t be able to apply it there on Magics anyway. The deeper reason for that is more likely buried in his resentment for Lynphea rejecting him as harshly as they did after he helped save the Universe from the Ancestresses, but Helia of course knew nothing of that. Then when he moved over to adapting to life on Magics “in the Magics” way, he begged to be taught magic for which he had developed a budding talent. Saladin refused again for related trauma reasons. He didn’t want Helia to wield a power that could potentially make him a weapon in someone else’s crusade. Being his only personal student would only paint a target on Helia’s back.

Helia was having none of that, fiercely objecting to the treatment. He had his own trauma to deal with. Like death by illness. (People falling ill was a lasting trigger he has been continuously working to overcome, but the first time Saladin came home with a cough Helia immediately worked himself into a panic attack so severe he couldn’t stop vomiting and had to be taken into a hospital himself. ) He shouldn’t have to shoulder the repercussions of Saladin’s problems too!

People who say old teens and their wilfulness are hard to deal with, haven’t met twelve year old Helia yet. To think he actually mellowed out by the time he hit Red Fountain. In any case, Helia and Saladin weren’t really speaking civilly with each other anymore by the time Helia met Krystal. (More on her side of things here) Krystal, ten and absolutely blind to seeing obstacles, offered Helia her books on basic witchcraft and with that the opportunity to take his magic learning into his own hands. After all, sorcery required a lot of detailed instruction, but witchcraft was available to any odd fool who could set up a passable reaction equation. It took half a year of trials and encouragement for his efforts to yield a result and for Krystal and Helia’s friendship to bloom. It took Saladin much longer than that to catch on to Helia’s secret tinkering. The old man should have suspected something to be up after their disagreements magically disappeared after Helia and Krystal met twice. The aftermath was ugly and lead to Helia and Krystal reluctantly parting ways.

Helia was inconsolable an dedicated a large part of his life to making it as difficult for Saladin as possible. His grades dropped, his art got angry and choppy and he had to be escorted home by peace keepers for having snuck into places he shouldn’t have been in. Year fourteen and fifteen of Helia’s life have been by far the most difficult to deal with with no improvement in sight. Under pressure from his school and Saladin to choose a path for higher education after his year nine exams, Helia thought it would be most spiteful to chose...nothing. He would simply stop going to school at 15 years of age and just become whatever. Maybe a full-time artist or a busker. “Hah, that’ll show Saladin!”- he thought, but he severely miscalculated.

Saladin had often threatened with making Helia enrol in his school if he didn’t behave and Helia never though he would make good on his words until he was dropped off at the main entrance with all his bags like the other freshmen filtering in through the gates. Being the headmaster, Saladin allowed Helia some liberties, trying to demonstrate to him that he shouldn’t see this as a punishment, but as an opportunity to further his life. Cue Helia’s biggest pièce de resistance, showing just how much he didn’t think so. As mentioned a few asks ago, he was given the liberty to chose where he lived and which team he chose, but not like that goddamit! He took shameless advantage of the loose wording Saladin used and hopped between rooms and teams completely ignoring conventions. He was the bane of the school, found on the roof, in supply closets and in the middle of hallways. Teams feared him, because they knew if Helia was assigned to them they might as well have been one person short, his flaky nature making it hard for them to work with him. Codatorta wrote as many warnings for Helia in that one year as he did in his whole career before that. Students at Red Fountain tended to be disciplined and dedicated to becoming Specialists, but Helia was the absolute antithesis to them. At the end of the year no amount of Saladin’s half-hearted excuses could save Helia from the overwhelming force of the teaching staff getting him sacked. Not that Helia minded, though. It was exactly what he wanted.

Saladin more or less gave up on him then. If he wanted to be on his own then fine. Saladin would help him with finding an own apartment and give him his first moth of rent, but after that Helia could go and find himself a purpose in the world alone. Fine. Fine. Alright!

It was not alright at all, but it was buried under a very thick layer of “I’ll show ya” which made Helia want to live his best liberal artist life. He enjoyed creating as much art as he wanted, but he craved social contact and being engaged in something with a common goal, so he started getting involved with local pacifist groups. He had always preached a path of non-violence, which was about the only thing that had been ingrained in him from his Lynphean upbringing. There he started to expand his horizon beyond what his gut feeling taught him about pacifism and got into reading theory seriously. He was surprised how many of those books shared around had originally belonged to the Red Fountain library and even more so that they have ben written by the founders of the Red Fountain Cavalry. And that was when Helia bust down Saladin’s office door.

“All of this theory was in the school’s library the whole time!!?? And all everyone was ever talking about was warfare!! Why was I never told the best pacifist philosophers of the century were all Red Fountain members???” “You never showed up to any of the philosophy lectures! How am I to blame?” A deep breath from Helia, re-evaluating all of his 17 years of life choices. “Dada Saladin, you have to let me back into your school please.”

And Saladin refused. To let him back without repercussions that is. Helia had to prove that he took his education seriously and was ready to commit by taking the entrance exam like everybody else to earn his place at the institute. He scraped the bottom of the scoreboard with his first results, but took the first year foundation course with a mile long stride. He was allowed to skip quite a few modules and ended up in the same year as the protag specialist boys with quite a reputation to his name. In the process of reacquainting himself with the school and its philosophy, he learned humility, respect, and when to keep his head down and mouth shut. The upperclassmen from his original year group barely believed he was supposedly the same person they got to know as an absolute menace . There are many rumours about twin brothers, brainwashing and Saladin’s terrifying magic might turning him into this new person.

Helia has come an extremely long way becoming the well-tempered and balanced person known from the show’s timeline. It is almost as if he compressed a lifetime of angst into three years, thus min-maxing his character development coming out more adult in the end at 18 years old than many people at 30. He lived through a lot of things and it shows in how he behaves and what he cares about. He is a passable fighter, but his main aim is always to protect and to avoid conflict if possible. He is a trained negotiator for that purpose and prefers to act as tactical support for his team. It all changes however once Riven and Sky both decide to quit the team leaving Helia, Brandon and Timmy with a very difficult decision on how to go on after that.

(Aand we have arrived at present day for my AU timeline with this. I hope you made it this far, I‘ve never written this much for a tumblr post before)

#winx club #winx helia #asks #see this is why I can't make a nice neat summary post about my headcanons because as soon as I start talking it becomes a word vomit #helia #butterfly fic #Anonymous

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mymindsmadness · 4 years

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Why I hate seeing the Uchiha logo on Sakura’s shirt/why I don’t ship SasuSaku

DISCLAIMER: I’m not shitting on anyone’s ship. I get it. You love them. You do you booboo, I’m just here to speak my truth. Don’t come at me with comments shitting all over the things I love. You have your opinion and I have mine.

If you are a SasuSaku shipper and you read past this point, you have no one but yourself to blame for your anger!

I’m probably gonna rant a bit, so I’ll start with the bottom line. Sakura and Sasuke’s relationship is one of the most toxic relationships I’ve ever seen.

Unrelated (but kind of related): All the female character are written pretty shitty, and that adds to this whole mess.

Part I [Young Love]:

Okay. I get it. She’s all for Sasuke and he doesn’t give her the time of day. We love a queen that gets hers in the end. The problem is that Sakura’s core personality traits are based off of her obsession. Her wants. Her flaws. Her essence as a [non] person is completely defined by Sasuke’s character. This is even verified when Kakashi asks them about themselves and Sakura literally gives [giggles] Sasuke for every answer.

When they’re tested with the bells, Sakura shows no ninja prowess whatsoever. She shows no skill beyond hiding in a bush. The only time we really see her moving/thinking/talking, is when it’s to ‘rescue Sasuke’. She even refers to him as ‘my Sasuke’ a dozen or so times. Seriously, it could be a drinking game.

During the chunin exams, we see a little more of a backbone from Sakura. But even as she struggles to make herself be seen, she really only wants to be seen by – you guessed it – Sasuke.

When Sasuke gets extra angsty [YOLO style], and tries to leave the village, Sakura tries to go with him. Think about that. Sakura tries to leave the village. Her home. Her family. Her friends. Everything! She does this because the idea of becoming a criminal is more appealing than being left behind by Sasuke.

But you know what? I’ll excuse it. She’s only thirteen at this point. She’s entitled to make stupid choices in the name of puppy love. We’ve all been there, man. And sure, at thirteen all love feels like true love. You know what girl? I forgive you.

Part II [Personal Growth]

At this point, Sakura’s whole character arch is defined by the people that leave her. And I could forgive this – almost. Enter Tsunade. I love Tsunade. I worship Tsunade. She is probably the one female character in the whole show that is as well integrated as the men [if we ignore the fact that her whole backstory is revolved around them]. When Sakura started training with Tsunade, I knew there was about to be an Eye of the Tiger montage. Sure enough, my girl comes through. Come Shippuden, Sakura is kicking ass and taking names [literally]. Better yet, she found her niche in medical ninjutsu [insert joke about how females always play the healers]. She’s got chakra for days and the control of a saint. Piss my girl off? You ‘bout to lose a lung.

Yes, Sakura’s still insecure when it comes to her place among the others, but can we blame her? She had demi-gods as teammates. But it’s different now. Sakura knows she’s a badass. She’s fully aware that her control and strength are something to be proud of. She uses those years of neglect and training to help her comrades!... and chase down Sasuke.

By the beginning of the 4th war, this bitch has lost her damn mind. At this point, Sakura and Naruto have been searching for Sasuke for the last 3 [or so] years. All this time, Sakura is under the impression that she’s in love with him. The times from when Sasuke left to the end of the war, are some of the most defining years in a person’s life. At 13-17 is when a person’s personality really starts to develop and lay out the foundation for the adult they will be.

Part III [All’s Fair]

Now, I’m not saying that Sakura didn’t hold a certain level of love for Sasuke her whole life. It’s very possible. However, there was no way it could be a romantic love. Think about who you were when you were twelve. Now think about who you were at seventeen. Did anything change in that time?

Sakura could not have been in love with Sasuke because she didn’t know who he was. They hadn’t been in contact in years! She had the memory of who he had been on a pedestal, and without him around to alter that image, it became more and more idyllic. By the time Sasuke returned [at the end of the war], Sakura was still in love with the idea of him.

She had put their relationship and romance in the forefront of her mind all of her life. It had been her driving force and defining mindset. When this crazy ass bitch [ily gurl] activated her seal and literally jumped on a pike for her boys, it was the most badass thing she’d ever done. And when she was done with that? She got upset that Sasuke hadn’t noticed/cared. She was fighting for her friends, her family, her village, her life… and all that confidence she had gained was brought down by the fact that the boy she thought she loved didn’t notice.

Part IV [In Which Sasuke Cares… Allegedly]

Remember when Sakura finally got Sasuke to notice her? When he overcame his terminal broodiness and admitted that he was touched that she never gave up hope in him? When he kissed her goodbye with the promise of returning and being worth all of her unfounded love and attention?

Oh… right… that never happened.

I mean… he tapped her forehead like Itachi did to him that one time… Same thing I suppose.

Okay, okay… I might be being a little harsh. I’ll concede that it is a genuine act of affection for Sasuke. But… a minor one. Alright, our broody boi doesn’t like PDA… Still, we’re given no indication that they talked about their feelings before this goodbye. That’s backed up by the fact that she asks to go with him – something she would have done before now if they had. Legit, Naruto got more of a goodbye than Sakura did [two dudes, chillin’ in the woods].

To the best of everyone’s knowledge, Sasuke only stayed in Konoha for about a year after the war. Now, depending if you follow the manga or anime, some of that time might have been in jail. My point is, that a year or less was spent in the village after several years of Sakura loving him from a distance.

At this point, she very well might have learned about the older Sasuke. She might have decided that she did still love him [doubtful on a realistic level]. But then he leaves. We’re not sure for how long, but if we look at Boruto, it’s common for him to leave for long periods of time.

Once again, Sakura is left behind with her memories of the man she thinks she loves [because without a functioning adult relationship, there’s no way to be sure].

Part V [Sakura Achieves Her Nightmare Dreams]

Let’s step into Boruto for this next part. We flash forward to all of our beloved characters in their adult years. I know what you’re thinking ‘Oh! I’ve missed so much! They’re all so grown up!’. Hahaha, don’t worry. They’re not at all the same people.

Since the series is based on the children, we’re forced to fill in some of the blanks ourselves. Sakura – the best medic nin in Konoha. The woman whose strength rivals that of her mentor’s. The woman who mastered the Seal of 100. The woman who grew into her own as a character, even if the driving force was a boy - is living her best life as… a housewife? I mean... maybe?

We don’t know this for sure, and a lot of us hope she runs the hospital or something [because we want all good things for our girl], but have you noticed that she doesn’t wear a headband? A ninja one that is. The girl who worked hard to not be left behind’s whole adulthood is… the woman left behind.

Even if it can be argued that she achieved her goal… has she? Yes, she wanted to be Sasuke’s wife and baby mama since waaaaay too young of an age to be thinking about that shit, but like this? We know from the fact that Sakura fainted when Sasuke came home that he’s rarely there. This means that she probably raised their daughter alone. Even now, she can’t just leave because Sasuke’s always away.

If you think I’m taking libraries with filling in the gaps, I refer you to that one time her daughter basically asked if they were really married. And if you think I’m exaggerating Sasuke’s absence, I refer you to that time he almost killed his fucking daughter because he didn’t know what she looked like!

Let that sink in.

Part VI [In Summation]

Sakura was a girl that grew up with a false ideal of love. She obsessed over a person that didn’t exist and carried that falsehood into her adult life. When presented with everything she thought she had wanted her whole life, Sakura jumped on the chance because it was the logical move. In gaining everything that she thought she wanted, Sakura lost any personal growth that she had gained by the absence of her obsession aka Sasuke.

Sasuke, who had ignored her as a child, tried to kill her as a teen, and barely acknowledged her beyond using her to revive his clan, can’t be bothered to even appreciate her. Even as he leaves again as an adult, he says goodbye to their daughter [again, with an oh-so-affectionate poke], but simply walks away from Sakura.

The truth is that given the way she blushes and faints around him still, Sakura doesn’t know him. She’s still in love with an idea of the man that grew from the boy she had been obsessed with all her life. She wears the Uchiha symbol on her back as a reminder that she did it. She got the guy! True love wins again! I mean… maybe? He’s fucked her at least, so…

There’s a chance that Sasuke loves Sakura. I think he loves her for loving him. At the very least, we know he’s fond of her… I assume.

Sakura was a character that was used to further the plot of a man. Even as an adult, she’s left to sit and pine as the boys go off on their adventures. She’s a woman that’s stuck in a hell of her own creation – even if she loves her daughter and the things that marrying Sasuke has brought her.

There’s ‘getting the guy’ and being trapped in a toxic idealized relationship. How you choose to see this one is up to you.

#anti sasusaku #naruto #sasuke uchiha #sakura haruno #my opinion #rant #toxic relationship

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howwelldoyouknowyourmoon · 3 years

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Letter from a disenchanted student of the Divine Principle

Many Unification Church members seem to think people who left the organization are like some kind of lapsed Catholics, but most of those people just recognized Moon’s absurd and contradictory rhetoric had absolutely no relationship to reality – I pointed out many of those obvious contradictions in my previous letter to Rev Moon. Even the vaunted Divine Principle was not his own teaching. Much of it came from a woman called Seong-do Kim whose revelations began in 1923. She stated that Jesus did not come to die (not new because other Christians had taught this previously), she also taught that the fall was a sexual sin (again not new because Jewish scholars suggested this long ago and anyone can recognize the association, even sex shops use a bitten apple to advertise their wares). She also taught about the change of blood lineage through the messiah – thus justifying all the deviant sexual activity involved in the pikareum rituals. Another source was a woman called Chong Deuk-eun who dictated a book called the Principle of Life in 1946-47. It was published in 1958.

The history parallels were taken straight from the teachings of Baek-moon Kim’s Israel Monastery – being the reason they finish in 1917, which was Baek-moon’s birth date rather than 1920 when Moon was born. The final Divine Principle book was composed by a committee guided by Hyo-won Eu with input from Young Oon Kim and various professors. So rather than being a direct revelation, the DP is actually an interesting amalgam of Christian theology, nineteenth century science, Oriental philosophy and shamanism – added to the insights and teachings that were taken from various Korean spiritual groups.  

This was why I felt free to approach much of the DP as almost allegorical because the main thing to emphasize was personal spiritual maturity – the development of a loving parental heart. (The real meaning of ‘perfection’.) I never believed that absolute Cain/Abel rubbish spouted by Moon and Japanese leaders. I remember one itinerant worker saying, ‘If my central figure tells me this red dress is blue then it’s blue.’ Absolutely insane – but this is exactly the kind of thing that has been propagated by the Moon family and their minions, especially in Japan, and it leads to all kinds of abuses.

  In addition to the DP we also have Rev. Moon’s great blessing theory, whereby through downing a glass of holy wine and being engrafted to his lineage we become capable of conceiving pure offspring, free from original sin. These ‘blessed’ children can then form the core of the heavenly kingdom on earth, of course with the ‘True Parents’ and their children at the absolute center. However, the proof of any pudding is in the eating – regardless of how good the recipe might sound. So let us look at the results, the fruits of the messiah and his teaching.

We can start with some of his own blessed children: Ye Jin – (Divorced.) Hyo Jin – was a drug addict, I saw him give a sermon one time when he was so stoned he had to hold on to the podium in order to stand up. He punched and kicked his wife, Nansook Hong, watched pornography, walked around with a gun in his pocket and beat up church members. (Divorced.) In Jin – was forced to resign her position because it became public knowledge about her affairs with two married members and the illegitimate child she had with one of them. (Divorced.) Un Jin – said clearly on TV that her father was not the messiah, and that the church was just about power and money. (Divorced.)   Hyun Jin, the kind-hearted business expert who wanted to cut the salaries of our church’s jewelry workers by a third – I saw a video of him calling a church leader an arrogant bastard and kicking him as the man knelt before him. No matter what the guy was guilty of, this was just one more example of the violence perpetrated by the Moon family. Which of course was epitomized by Cleopas, the black Zimbabwean supposedly embodying the spirit of Heung Jin, who went around the world viciously beating up men and women, putting some in hospital. He even threatened church members with a pistol. (All of it approved by Rev Moon who laughed at the beatings and had himself used a baseball bat on members.)  

Kook Jin – an arms dealer who said Abel wouldn’t have been killed if he’d had a gun. Divorced his wife and had himself re-blessed with a Korean beauty queen. He now has his own group of armed ‘knights’ willing to do whatever he orders. (Divorced.)   Hyung Jin, the heir apparent (according to him), lied about getting a BA from Harvard when he actually attained a lower qualification – and if he thinks the parable of the sower is referring to ‘absolute sex’ I think he needs to go back to Divinity School. His Sanctuary Church now promotes the owning of AR-15 semi-automatic assault rifles, and has ceremonies with participants carrying these lethal weapons while wearing bizarre crowns of bullets. According to one of his recent speeches, all the women of the world are ‘Brides of Christ,’ and he of course is now in that Christ position.

Don’t want to go into details about some of the others as I feel sorry for them.

  So this so-called true family demonstrates clearly that there is no difference between blessed children and any others. Rev. Moon said as much in Korea when he was talking about Sammy Park, his illegitimate son. He said, ‘The sons from the concubine are better because there is more passion involved in their conception.’ So much for the value of the blessing.   

(Of course Mrs Moon blames the bad behavior of her adult, absolute ruler children on the poor church members, as though they could do anything to control it.)  

So now lets look at the practical results of all the members’ sacrifice and offerings:   This Parc One court case (the conflict that began between Kook Jin and Hyun Jin) resulted in at least 700 million dollars of church money going to lawyers and outside companies. This is at a time when Japanese church members were being bled dry; many could not even afford to go to the dentist. (They were commonly referred to as ‘the toothless ones’ in Japan.)  

Cheongpyeong – you couldn’t make it up – they were selling apartments in the spirit world! People have to be completely away with the fairies to buy into that. Mrs Hyo Nam Kim (Dae Mo Nim or Hoon Mo Nim) after being denounced as a fraud, walked away with assets worth more than 230 million dollars (including one of the top golf courses in South Korea), so her spiritual real estate business must have been doing very well. It’s as crazy as charging money so that your ancestors can attend workshops with the spirit of Heung Jin, or paying thirty dollars for two bottles of Danjobi shampoo to get evil spirits out of your hair. (This all of course also being done with the consent of Rev Moon.)

Mrs Kim was supposedly channeling Dae Mo Nim, the mother of Hak Ja Han, which was actually a strange choice because Dae Mo Nim and another woman had spent two years in jail for beating a mentally ill youth to death in one of these frenzied ansu sessions (where they beat bad spirits out of people).

That whole Cheongpyeong providence is merely old Korean shamanism, and just because people have spiritual experiences there doesn’t validate what is going on. Something many members don’t realize is that God works to educate and reach people regardless of what religion they are following.  

Rev. Moon often praised Korean culture but Korea was a slave society for most of its history. Although the number of slaves had declined during the nineteenth century the institution was not legally banned until 1894, and the system survived in practice until the 1920s. At least one third of the population were slaves in the past, and the children of slaves automatically belonged to their masters – with most wealthy men keeping concubines. The Koreans always had that tradition of the Yangban, or aristocrats, being served by everybody else, even having a caste of sex slaves for that purpose.  

Another tradition was idol worship and shamanism. All this drumming and beating at Cheongpyeong is actually for drawing spirits into people, not driving them out. The disgusting business of putting Moon’s semen and blood into the holy wine is more shamanism. Shamans believe if you can get someone to imbibe your bodily fluids they will come under your control. By the way, Rev Moon’s children used to refer to Mrs Kim and her people as ‘the witches of Cheongpyeong.’ To put this in perspective there are still over 300,000 shamans or ‘mudangs’ plying their trade in Korea.   

Conferences. After working on some of them I was shown very clearly that all those big science, arts and other conferences actually had no purpose other than glorifying Rev Moon. He wasn’t at all interested in any results from those meetings, only in how many famous people attended.

  About 500 million dollars is donated each year by the Japanese church, but where does it all go? What great world-changing projects do you see it used for? Of what use are all these glorious palaces? The one at Cheongpyeong cost over a thousand million dollars. Just think what good could have been done in the world with such funds. This particular palace is now adorned with giant statues of Hak Ja Han with Jesus kneeling before her and a much diminished figure of Sun Myung Moon in obedient attendance. She has effectively created a new religion centered on herself by changing the basic teachings and proclaiming herself as the Only Begotten Daughter of God, the wife of God, the mother of God and God himself/herself. (What kind of mental gymnastics the present members are doing to believe this utter nonsense is beyond me.) 

 I know each national church lives in its own little bubble, in effect creating its own version of the Unification society and cherry picking which headquarters’ directions to implement. Each country also seems to hold onto its own view of the ‘messiah,’ effectively editing out anything that does not conform to this ideal. However, with the advent of the Internet this can thankfully no longer be the case.

It is the very core of the Unification Church that needs to be examined. The whole church has been built on lies. Even Rev Moon’s life story is full of falsehoods. Remember that picture of him carrying the man on his back; he let it be known for years that it was him before finally admitting it wasn’t.

The stories about Heungnam – I heard a testimony from one of those early disciples where she went to visit him and found him drinking tea in a nearby village! Chung-hwa Pak had been an officer in the military and was put in charge of the prisoners. He designated which tasks the prisoners should do. He was able to give Moon time off so they could talk together about his beliefs. Moon was not always being worked to death as he later stated. 

He said he graduated in electrical engineering at Waseda University in Tokyo, but he actually only attended night classes at a technical high school. 

The Church made out that Moon was arrested in North Korea for preaching against communism, but the charges were really for bigamy and adultery. Chong-hwa Kim, the married woman involved, was also jailed. His anti-communist stance came much later.  

The story about him meeting Jesus on the mountainside is also untrue. It was Seong-do Kim who first told people she’d had these Easter revelations, then Baek-moon Kim claimed them as his, and finally Rev Moon – whose lies gave him away as Easter did not fall on the date he gave for that year. In his most recent account of that meeting he calls Jesus a bastard, and originally taught that Jesus should have had sex with his mother to restore the fall. He also claimed to have met and talked with Buddha, but until his first visit to India he thought Buddha was Chinese.   

The Tragedy of the Six Marys. This book described the pikareum, or womb-cleansing, ceremonies conducted during the early years of the Unification Church. For years we were told it was untrue, but before the book came out in Japan they started giving lectures explaining the providential reasons why Moon had to have sex not only with the Six Marys, but also with all the wives of the 36, 72 and even the 124 couples. Some of the members listening to those lectures left the church afterwards so they stopped giving them, but they started them again in Korea from what I heard.

The Israel Monastery was a pikareum church with Baek-moon Kim doing the womb cleansing by having sex with the female members. Another similar one was the Olive Tree Movement started by Tae-Seon Park. This had 300,000 members and the churches had special rooms to practice the pikareum rituals. So there were plenty of examples of this grotesque idea for Rev Moon to draw on.  

The holy wine ceremony is a symbolic sexual act, but for the first years of the church Rev Moon actually had sex with the female members. This is the core of the church and it is both vile and ludicrous.  

I don’t say these things lightly because I needed plenty of evidence before I believed them, but I know people in both Japan and Korea who attended lectures where this behavior was justified. In America Hyung Jin and Kook Jin have admitted such things happened. It was admitted by Young Oon Kim, Papasan Choi, Chung-Hwa Pak, President Eu’s cousin (Shin-hee Eu), Annie Choi (the mother of Sam Park), Deok-jin Kim and many others. Rev Yong also went around the world giving lectures explaining the dispensational necessity of such sex practices.

  God of Day and God of Night. There used to be a shrine to this primitive Korean god to the east of Seoul. (Moon was incorporating any kind of rubbish into his mythology by the end of his life.)

I could report on even worse activities and crimes but I think this is enough for now. The Divine Principle itself is a wonderful construct, (Hyo-won Eu being something of a genius) the only problem being that it isn’t true. So much of the numerology, four position foundations, triple objective purposes and so on, is actually meaningless. There was no sexual fall and inherited original sin and Satan are non-existent. The history parallels are extremely contrived, and although interesting, prove nothing at all. There are many more aspects of the book that don’t make sense. Some parts of course are helpful, Jesus not coming to die and so on, but none of these are original ideas, so the book certainly doesn’t prove that Moon is the Second Advent.

▲ Baek-moon Kim was born in 1917. He devised the parallels of history.

  As predicted nothing happened on Foundation Day apart from a few pointless ceremonies. The church leadership knew this would be the case, which is why they were already telling people to prepare for 2020, the 100th anniversary of Moon’s birth. Mrs Moon is emphasizing witnessing now. (Because tithes are an ongoing source of revenue.) She recently told the Japanese wives in Korea that if they don’t do well then their descendants will pay lots of indemnity. She seems to have forgotten what her husband said on October 27, 1999, ‘No more indemnity is needed. The providence of restoration is completed.’

  I personally think anyone still teaching the Divine Principle has to examine all of the above, and then ask themselves if they are just helping to propagate a gigantic destructive fraud? Thousands of people have gone through real suffering to enrich Moon and his family. Many of them had their lives ruined by being matched and married to people they could not relate to. It’s hard to believe but Moon’s church even advertised for any Korean men who wanted wives to come to one of those big blessings – just to make the numbers up, although he charged them between two and ten thousand dollars for each purchased bride. He then matched dedicated Japanese sisters to men who weren’t even church members – some of whom were unemployed drunkards or worse. (One of these wives eventually killed her Korean husband after suffering years of abuse.) Again, ask yourself whether these matchings were the action of a loving father, or an evil despot with no concern at all for the happiness and well-being of others?

  If members were matched with someone they could love and be happy with, then they were in the minority, as it was mostly a matter of luck. Remember he matched physical brothers and sisters on at least four occasions that I know of, then changed the matching when he was told about it, so it certainly wasn’t God guiding him.

  If people want God in their lives all they have to do is invite him in. Knock and the door will be opened. You don’t need to go to God through Moon or anyone else, and heaven is a place for heavenly people, so if you aren’t heavenly then no blessing, white robe or inseminated wine is going to get you in there.

And just to be clear, arrogance and avarice are not heavenly attributes.

  I believe anyone who has sincerely tried to serve God and create a better world has certainly not wasted their time, because God will remember their efforts whatever religion they followed, but the Unification Church, FFWPU, or Hak Ja Han’s new name for it ‘Heavenly Parent’s Holy Community,’ is nothing but a despotic money-making, power-seeking, destructive scam that should not be supported in any way.  

My apologies people, no jokes this time, I’m too disgusted by the whole sorry mess.  

Sloe Gin

______________________________________________

Newsweek on the many Korean messiahs of the 1970s

Hwang Gook-joo and his orgies

The Divine Principle is constructed to control members

Sun Myung Moon’s Theology of the Fall, Tamar, Jesus and Mary

Sun Myung Moon – Restoration through Incest

Shamanism is at the heart of Sun Myung Moon’s church

Japanese member, Ms. K, was forced to marry Korean man she did not like

Sun Myung Moon makes me feel ashamed to be Korean

The Fall of the House of Moon – New Republic

Sun Myung Moon’s secret love child – Mother Jones

Cult Indoctrination – and the Road to Recovery

#Sloe Gin #Divine Principle

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