#I mean in reality it was probably some suicidal shit

[woundedheartwithin]

I like the idea of angry teenage Yagami just following Kaito around yk1 Majima Everywhere style and just jumping him from trash cans and shit

#yakuza #judgment #yagami takayuki #kaito masaharu #kaigami #I just find it infinitely hilarious that he was just constantly picking fights with Kaito #just for no fucking reason #like he picked the biggest fucking guy and said yeah he’s goin down #that’s some soulmate shit imo #oh damn you’re my soulmate now i gotta end you #*gets fucked up* #I mean in reality it was probably some suicidal shit #like he probably was hoping Kaito would kill him #not to bring it down or anything #but he picked the 6’3 himbo teddy bear so that’s good #she speaks

[dejilovesmochi]

Here for you.

.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙　✩　*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ . .·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙　✩　*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ . .·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙　✩　*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ . .·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙　✩　*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙

╰┈➤ Summary: Jungwon comes to help you as you are going through a rough time.

✩ ◛ ° genre: angst to fluff/comfort

!! Warnings !! - depression, thoughts of sh and suicide, reader is going through a depressive episode, reader has bad anger, probably cringe cause it’s my first time writing, not proof read.

Pairing: Jungwon x gn! reader

You laid there. Feeling nothing. Thinking nothing. You had been laying in bed for who knows how long, only getting up to use the bathroom. Everything just felt so hopeless.

Knock knock

The sound of someone knocking on your door took you out of your thoughts and back to reality. Thinking it was just one of your friends who have been trying to get a hold of you due to you ghosting everyone, you didn’t bother answering the door and continued to stare at the wall. It wasn’t until you heard the door unlocked which means it could only be one person. Jungwon, who you had given your spare key to while ago.

Shit. You looked like a mess and so did everything around you. How can you even let him see you like this.

As you were busy stressing on what to do next, the door to your bedroom opened.

You quickly turned towards the wall and acted like you were asleep, hoping that he would just go away, but to your disappointment you felt the bed dip next to you. instead of feeling happy that he was here you just felt anger. Why is everyone always bothering you? Why can you just have some peace and quiet for once?

“Jagiya…” Your boyfriend said from behind you. “What’s wrong….” His eyes scanned your body, heart breaking in the process.

You didn’t answer. You didn’t feel like talking. Hell, you didn’t even feel like living.

“Talk to me baby…” he tried again, still getting no response.

After about 5 minutes of him just sitting there with his hand on your shoulder you spoke up. “Go away…”

“Why….” He says with obvious worry in his voice.

“I don’t want to see you or anyone..” you replied a lot harsher than you intended.

“I want to know what’s going on… did something happen? Did I do something?…” he says, pleading with you to tell him.

“Nothing is wrong!” You snap as you can feel your emotions getting the best of you.

Jungwon just sighs and rubs your shoulder. “Don’t push me away y/n… I know something is wrong…. I want to help you… but you have to talk to me…”

How much times did you have to tell him. Nothing is wrong… or at least that’s what you try to convince yourself.

“Please just go I- I can’t…” You say as you sit up, trying your best to avoid eye contact with him because you know you’ll start crying.

“I’m not leaving till I know you’re alright…” he replied as his hand moved a piece of hair from your face.

You quickly turned your head the other direction. You felt the tears come up to your eyes and a burning feeling in your throat.

Jungwon seemed to notice and wrapped an arm around you, pulling you into him.

You notice the tears fall from your eyes as Jungwon hugs you and you try so hard to get out of his grip, not wanting to break down infront of him. You use your arms to push him away, it doesn’t work. He was just so much stronger than you.

You feel yourself crying even more now and as a result of not wanting him to hug you, you start hitting him, trying to get away. (not very hard of course but you get the idea)

“Stop…” he says as he still holds onto you even tho you are hitting him.

You keep going at it until you feel his hands around your wrists, gently stopping you.

“Stop jagiya….” He says looking down at you in concern before hugging you even tighter.

Beginning to give up you just cry. You lean on him and cry your heart out not even caring if you look like a mess. Not even caring about anything.

All you could think of was “I messed up” “how can things go back to normal after this” “he’s gonna look at me differently now”

You continue to sob in his arms as you overthink about the outcome of your actions.

His hand begins to let go of your wrist and rests on your upper arm instead.

The thoughts slowly fade away as you focus on the boy who is currently hugging you like his life depended on it.

His head rests on top of yours, his arms are securely wrapped around you, he’s just so comforting.

After a while of just sitting like this and you calming down, Jungwon speaks up “are you ready to tell me what’s been going on?…”

“I don’t even know…. I- I can’t explain it…” you start feeling yourself getting worked up again.

“Hey…. It’s ok….. try your best…” he says calmly.

“I just…. I have no energy… I have no motivation…. I can’t see myself having a future… I don’t know what to do anymore… And I messed everything up… I can’t just go back to my normal life after this I- I pushed everyone away… they all hate me now probably…. I have nobody… all because I felt sad for no fucking reason…” you start to tear up again “god I just hate myself…. I hate my life… I should’ve just killed mys-“

“Woah woah…” Jungwon said cutting you off “ok… breathe baby…”

“You asked what was wrong so I’m telling you…” you reply.

“Yes I did but… don’t talk like that… I understand you might be feeling that way but don’t say that…” He takes a deep breath before speaking again “I don’t want you to be in that type of head space again… I-“

“Well it’s to fucking late…” you snap back at him, cutting him off in the process.

Jungwon is just at a loss for words, he hasn’t seen you this depressed since your friend died… if anything, this was worse.

“Don’t say that…. Do you understand how many people would be sad if you died? Your friends, your family, the members, me? I would be devastated. I can’t live without you Jagiya…” he says as he starts to tear up “I want you to listen to me… there is no situation worth dying for… no matter how bad it is I promise it will get better…”

“YOU SAY THAT AND IT NEVER DOES” you exclaim.

“You just have to wait sweetie… I know it’s hard… but if you don’t want to live for yourself then do it for me… I love you so much… I would do anything for you…” tears slip down his cheeks “we still have so much to do together… please don’t give up… I still need to marry you… I still need to spoil you, I still need to cuddle with you.. I just.. need you….”

You find yourself starting to sob again as you listen to him, Actually feeling like you’re needed for once.

“I love you so so so so so so so much….. do you understand that” he says looking at your crying figure.

You just nod, not being able to speak.

He pulls you into him once again, beginning to cry even more.

It takes awhile for you both to calm down but when you do, you guys just lay there. Silence takes over the room as you hold each other. Eventually falling asleep.

4:26 AM

Jungwon wakes up to the feeling of you sitting up. He rubs his eyes sleepily before speaking. “Are you ok Jagiya?”

“I’m really sorry wonnie…” you say with guilt in your voice.

“Huh…” he sits up “why…”

“I’m sorry for the way I acted… you were just trying to help me and I-….. I was being such a bitch…” you pout

“Hey… no hard feelings… I get it… you didn’t do anything wrong…” he says as he pulls you into him.

You sigh “oh my gosh I’m actually disgusting…”

He can’t help but laugh a bit “what?”

“Do you realize I haven’t showered in two days” you say with a joking attitude.

“Doesn’t even matter baby…” he happily continues to cuddle you.

“I feel so gross tho…” you say as the feeling of your unclean clothes was grossing you out more and more by the minute.

“You don’t I run you a bath then hm?” He says as he presses his lips together, his dimples showing.

“That sounds nice…” you reply before poking his dimples.

He giggles before kissing your cheek and getting up to run you a bath.

After a bit you get in the bath and he helps you wash up, being very gentle with you as if you’re made of glass.

You get all cleaned up and Jungwon gets you new pjs before making you eat something even tho you aren’t really in the mood for it.

“I’m not hungry :(“ you pout.

“I’m not asking, eat” he says as he pokes the fork to your mouth.

As you taste the food your hunger immediately catches up to you. Not eating for almost three days really messed you up.

Jungwon giggles as he watches you absolutely devour the food and water he gave you.

“Why are you laughing” you ask, shooting him a glare,

“No reason… you’re just so pretty” he says, mesmerized by your beauty.

“Stopppppp” you blush and look the other way.

“Stopppppp” he mocks you.

“Whateverrrr” you say back in a jokingly annoyed voice.

After you finish your meal you get sleepy again.

“Can we go back to bed….” You say drowsily.

“Of course jagiya…” he says softly before picking you up and laying you down in bed before getting in next to you.

Ding

You and Jungwon both look over to the night stand that his phone is laying on.

It was a text from Jay.

Jay: hey are you coming to practice?

Jungwon sighs as he forgot he even had it. But he didn’t care anyways, you’re more important.

Jungwon: no im not feeling the best.

He texts Jay back with a casual lie.

Jay: alright feel better.

Jungwon puts his phone back down on the nightstand before looking at you.

“Who was that?” You ask curiously.

“Just Jay… I forgot we have practice today… I wouldn’t have gone even if I remembered… you’re more important…” he says hugging you to his chest.

“Thanks for dealing with me” you say nuzzling him.

“Don’t mention it…. I would do anything for you… remember that…” he says resting his head on yours. “I love you Jagiya…”

“I love you too..” you say as you shut your eyes.

He kisses your head before you both drift off to sleep, feeling comfortable, no distractions, no worries.

Just each other.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

A/N: this took me forever, I kinda projected on this a little so my bad. If you’re ever feeling like this remember, it’s ok to ask for help. I’m always here if anyone needs to talk. Love ya <3

#jungwon x reader #enhypen x reader #enhypen #jungwon #jungwon angst #jungwon fluff #enhypen fluff #enhypen angst #enhypen smut #jungwon smut #niki x reader #sunghoon x reader #jake x reader #heeseung x reader #jay x reader #sunoo x reader #kpop

[dexlexia]

protection - aki x reader

pairing: aki hayakawa x reader rating: 18+ summary: Aki was a gentle lover, he really was. He was always so afraid of hurting you, he said he had seen enough chaos in the world that the idea of leaving you hurt and bruised made him sick to his stomach. So he held you in high esteem, his beautiful partner both on and off the field. He was also a huge advocate for safe sex, the last thing you both needed right now was a child.  tags: safe sex, smut, pwp, gentle sex, sweet sex, fluff & smut

complimentary fic to: bareback - kishibe x reader

Aki was a gentle lover, he really was. He was always so afraid of hurting you, he said he had seen enough chaos in the world that the idea of leaving you hurt and bruised made him sick to his stomach. So he held you in high esteem, his beautiful partner both on and off the field. He was also a huge advocate for safe sex, the last thing you both needed right now was a child. 

Imagining how chaotic the apartment would be made chills run up Aki's spine. The two devils he lived with would probably cook the baby in a soup or leave them on the balcony all day. It was bad enough that Aki had to take care of them plus a cat. So right now a baby wasn't in the cards,  sadly it might never be in the deck..  Aki was no longer on a suicide mission to kill the Gun Devil, every time he saw you it gave him a notion that maybe there was more to life than killing devils, but time was slipping from him. So he cherished every moment spent with you. 

It was late when you got back to Aki's apartment. You practically had to carry Denji in. You and the dark-haired man put the other two to bed before you got settled in yourselves. Aki made you some tea and you sat by the table, the other pair slumbering nearby as you both sat in silence and drank. You noticed in the lights of the room just how blue Aki's eyes were. You smiled at him and he smiled back, no words were exchanged but you both could reach one another. 

Eventually you said, "You're very handsome, Aki." Then took another sip, you stretched out your leg to rub against his, "I feel like I don't tell you that enough." You smiled over the cup. 

Aki blushed for a moment before he took a hasty sip, "You are too... I mean you're beautiful." He wasn't the best at expressing romantic emotions but he tried his best for you.  To be fair to this kind of work, you have to not know how to express emotions. But to make this work, you and Aki tried to play to your strengths. He rubbed his ankle against yours and continued to drink.  He asked, "Do you want to-"

Your smile turned into a grin over the cup, "Are you asking me for sex, Aki?" 

He blushed more, "Yes I am, possibly, maybe." You chuckled, not too loud as to not wake up Power and Denji. It only made Aki blush more as he lowered his head and his cheeks grew red.  He wasn't a sex machine, in reality he only had a handful of experiences.  Most of which were with you. 

You finished your tea quickly and got up. You rounded the table and held out your hand, "Well, then. Let's get going then before these two wake up." Aki took your hand and you led him to the bedroom. There you sat on the bed and started to unbutton your blouse.  You could feel his blue eyes on your chest as you took off the top.

He started to get undressed too. Your eyes lingered on his toned chest,  your eyes met and he gave you a small smile before he started to unbutton his pants. Soon everything was off the both of you.  He soon came to the bed  and the two of you started to kiss, the sound of lips together filled the room as he started to feel up your body. You hand eventually found his cock and started to stroke it gently. 

  "Fuck." "Shit." You both said as you began to pleasure one another at the foot of the bed. The kiss became deeper and soon you were both lying on the bed, hands between legs as you continued to get each other off.  Aki's breathing grew rough the more you stroked his cock.  He soon pulled away from your lips and took his fingers out of your slick pussy. 

  You watched him lean over to the nightstand and grab a condom from the drawer. He had to get better at hiding these since Power and Denji moved in, the condoms were put between pages of books. The last place the devils would look. He came back to you and started to undo the wrapper. He soon got on his knees and moved in between your legs. He put the condom on with ease and then  grabbed you by the legs. 

You let out a small yelp as he pulled you further down the bed to meet his cock. He held onto your hip and rubbed his protected his cock up against your pussy. The sound that came from it was erotic as the two of you wanted it so badly. He could see a blush on his face in the low light. The small noise he made as he gripped his cock to rub against you. You in turn moaned as you felt the weight of his cock up against your wet cunt. 

  "That's it,  baby." He said softly as he rolled his hips. He licked his top lip before he lined up his cock with your hole, "Ready?"

  "For you, Aki. Always." You  held onto the bed under you and kept your legs open as he slowly inserted his cock into you.  You winced but soon relaxed as he pushed all the way in. Soon his chest was against yours, bodies close together  as he started to thrust. He kept the pace nice and even, not too rough. He never wanted to be too rough. The intimacy from gentle, sweet sex meant more to you than anything.  Your lips found one another as the two of you continued to make love under the low light. 

Aki loved you, it was a burning desire to protect what little he had left in this world. He'd take every moment to tell you how much he loved you, how much he wanted to spend time with you, he wanted to make every last moment count. He was never too sure if tomorrow would be the last, so quiet intimate moments like these meant everything to Aki. He held onto your hips and continued to thrust. 

  "Fuck, you feel good." He said. 

  "You're not too bad yourself, Aki." You chuckled in response before you pulled him back into a soft kiss. You started to move your hips too in pace with Aki's movements. You wrapped your arms around him and pulled him as close as he could possibly get. You wanted Aki inside and out, in every way, all the time.  Your heart raced as the two of you humped in the glow of moonlight. He pulled away and looked into your eyes before you pulled him in for another kiss.

The sounds of sex filled the room, Aki's hands roamed your body as you kept your arms around his neck. He loved to feel every curve, every scar, every mole. He wanted to feel every inch of skin on your body, he wanted to feel up his beautiful girlfriend.  Your bodies continued to move together as you heard the snoring from the other two in the living room. 

  "Aki."

  "Yes, dear."

  "Be mine forever." You said, so quietly he could barely hear you. You felt pleasure pool in your gut as you continued to have sex with the man.  The kisses became messier as the heat in the room grew, between kisses there was heavy breathing between you two as you tried to catch your breath. His cock throbbed inside of you as you two kept going.  The air in the room felt thick as you moved, sweaty bodies up against one another. 

You moaned quietly as he rocked his hips, his cock prodded inside of you which made you see stars. Your hips rolled seductively to meet his pace and the two of you moaned and panted. Your breathing labored as the movements continued.  There was nothing quite like having sex with Aki, you two weren't pros but it was comfortable and sweet. He was an adoring partner who loved you very dearly. 

He wasn't the best at expressing his love through words, but he showed it in other ways. Tried not to smoke when you were around, a fresh pastry in the kitchen when you woke up, the occasional hand holding when not on patrol, every three months he got you another plant to add to your collection on your window sill in your apartment. There were many things that Aki did to show that he loved you,  having tender sex with you was another.  As his body pressed against yours, you could feel his heartbeat against yours. Forever intertwined. 

Not even death could separate the bond you two had.  You two continued, the feeling of orgasmic rush was starting to take root. Your kisses continued in an effort to keep quiet, but it was hard with the squeaking of the bed and your heavy breathing. You felt hot all over from the activity.  This felt like an intimate paradise as the two of you moved. 

You made a small noise when Aki broke the kiss, and soon he came back in to deliver another one. His tongue grazed your bottom lip and you moaned against the kiss. You tightened around his cock which made it jump a little from the sensation.  "Ah, Aki."

  "That's it, baby." He said quietly, "That's it." His face landed on your neck, feeling the sweat against his nose as he continued to rut against you, his pace was losing focus as he felt closer to orgasm.  You moaned a little bit but then bit your lip to keep yourself quiet while he worked your body. You knew you'd have to shower afterwards from the sheer amount of sweat that was on your skin. 

He gently praised you, you lived for it. Knowing that you were doing a good job meant so much to him. It was an amazing feeling in your eyes, he called you his good girl, his beloved, his one and only. It was almost too mushy, but you enjoyed it nonetheless.  It made it feel so intimate as you held onto him.

Soon the feeling grew,  you were getting close to orgasm. Your paces were mismatched but nonetheless you two were experiencing the height of pleasure. With a loud noise, that could probably be heard next too, you came around his cock. And with a few loose, quick thrusts he finished in the condom. He let out a moan that he quickly covered his mouth with his hand to keep quiet. 

You both felt the energy drain from you as you started to come down from the high.  Aki took off the condom and buried it under some trash in  a wastebin close by. He quickly opened a window to let the smell of sex out of the room.  He soon returned to you and flopped beside you on the bed.

You quickly got him in your arms and pulled the tie out of his hair so he could be more comfortable. His face was against your shoulder as you two relaxed in an orgasmic heat.  He held you close, never wanting to let you go. As your leg tangled together in bed, he softly kissed your warmed skin. 

Aki felt like paradise to you, it was a comfort that you had never afforded yourself previously. But being with him now made all the difference. You wanted to stay with him for the rest of your days.  Call it young love, you didn't care. You just wanted Aki in every way you could get him. And you'd protect him till your last breath. 

  "You're amazing." He said softly, "Never met someone like you before." He rolled onto his back and held your hand as his breathing began to level out, "Don't... Don't leave me," He said. 

You looked at him and grasped his hand, "Don't worry, I don't have any reason to leave." 

  "Good." 

#dexlexia writes #Aki Hayakawa #chainsaw man aki #aki x reader #aki smut #csm fanfic #aki csm #aki chainsaw man #Chainsaw man #chainsaw man smut #chainsaw man x reader #aki #aki fanfic #csm x reader #csm x you

[w3ndytheraccoon]

If I see one more post about why C!Dream is not a villain, I will rage-

C!Dream is a complex character with an understandable motive, and his spiralings was very realistic and I can one hundred percent see why. He is a very morally gray, albeit leaning more toward black than white, character. It wouldn’t be fair if I just label him as THE villain, because perspectives exist, and in some member’s perspective, like Purpled for example, he’s definitely not as evil as he is in, say, Tubbo’s perspective.

But that doesn’t change the fact Dream was a horrible person.

Just because he had a understandable motive, that doesn’t mean the shit that happened in Exile is justified. That doesn’t mean Doomsday is justified. That doesn’t mean all the manipulation and all the lying are justified. That doesn’t mean what he and Punz did to Vikkstar and Lazarbeam is justified. That doesn’t mean what happened in prison was justified.

Especially Exile and Vikkstar & Lazarbeam ! Exile is for isolating Tommy so he can’t cause trouble, not for abusing and gaslighting him to near the point of fucking suicide ! And what happened to Vikkstar & Lazarbeam was completely unnecessary ! Dream and Punz did NOT need to kill them over and over and over just to test the Revival Book, that is cruel and several violations of human’s rights.

Conclusion : C!Dream fucking sucks and I wish Punz didn’t brought him back. I’m an enthusiast, not apologist. His motive makes him explainable, not justifiable or excusable, and if I ever somehow manage to rip the fabric of reality and teleport to the DSMP universe, the first thing I will do is find Dream to deck him.

… But he’s still a complex character and one of my favourites.

Anyway, if I miss a point or something, do remind me. I’ll probably edit this and add more character analysis in the morning, when my thoughts are actually coherent and I’m not writing something from pure spite and anger.

Morning edit :

He also hurt Geogre and Sapnap. Sure, he never physically hurt them as far as we’re aware, but do you know how painful it is to watch your friend spirals and became the total opposite of how they were ? How helpless it feels when you realised your friend is too far gone and you can’t help them ? How guilty it is when you think of all the times you could reach out and stop them from turning out like this but you didn’t ? How badly that would take a toll on your mental health ?

But anyway, just because C!Dream is a horrible person, that doesn’t mean what happened in prison is okay. The whole obsidian cell with lava door and raw potato ? Yeah, that’s fine, I can get behind that, since it was his idea for prison to be like that. It’s just karma. What I meant is the torture part. Does he deserve it ? Depends who you ask. I personally think it was justified and deserved, but that still doesn’t make it okay.

#dsmp #dsmp dream #dream #dream smp #cdream #c!dream #c!dream critical #c!dream slander #i fucking hate him #But I also love him #I’m making this a series of blog where I diss DSMP character because they’re humans and flawed and make mistakes #But I’ll be dam if I let “ It’s a mistake “ stop me from calling them out for the amount of shitty and unexcusable things they did #Next on the chopping block is C!Tommy #Once I watch all the lore streams to remind myself that is #Him being my favourite and me being a C!Tommy apologist isn’t gonna save his ass from this #Call-out with Raccoon #Dsmp call-out with Raccoon

[saintarmand]

Hi! Do you think that s2 big reveal will be that Armand manipulated Louis memory? What do you think the "disastrous consequences in Dubai" mean? Louis attempting suicide as many books fans expect?

no. i think the "big reveal" will be that armand didn't have to. louis knows armand did the thing and stayed with him anyway like he did in the books. they very well may lead the audience to believe armand is doing that to louis, when it was actually daniel who got his memories wiped (and daniel may have agreed to it.) and i think any inconsistencies about the events of s1 that may or may not be revealed will be because of louis repressing memories the old fashioned way. at most armand helped a little. and i'm not saying that only because of the racist and abuse apologist implications or just cause i'm an armand stannie or whatever, although that's all also true. i'm saying that because i think the story is better for it.

to me, armand having significant overarching influence, especially though literal magic, on the story we've been told (specifically LOUIS's story told BY louis), undermines the theme of "memory is a monster." they told us the fallibility of memory in this story is the real life kind; how memory naturally changes every time we remember events in our lives, how our present self affects how we look at the past, etc. this is a fantasy story, yes, but it's very much grounded in reality. the racism isn't "fantasy racism", for example. having the twist be that a crucial element of the story that we were told was real was actually magic would lame and disappointing as hell. i think daniel having his memories wiped magically will be a parallel to louis. but the thing about parallels is that they're not meant to be literal or complete, and they emphasize differences as much as similarities, in order to reinforce the ideas and themes of the story, not replace them. so i think that while louis and daniel's memory issues can look similar on the surface, they have different causes and the show will make it clear which is which.

hell, they've even shown us magical manipulation vs regular manupulation before. we saw lestat entrance several humans including louis himself ("his gaze tied a string around my lungs and i found myself immobilized") but it was done in a way that made it obvious when it was happening, so general audiences weren't speculating lestat was using vampire magic to make louis fall in love with him or agree to be turned or whatever. he was shown to have powers he could have used at key points but didn't, more often using very basic human manipulation tactics, which were actually even more effective. even the idea of lestat causing paul's death was brought up only to be discarded. i think they'll pretty much do the same thing with armand, only teasing us a bit more with it. and sure, some people will still speculate, but i think this is what the intention of the writers is, and hopefully they do it well.

i assume the "disastrous consequences in dubai" is an interview quote and i've heard something like that but since i don't have the full context in front of me it's hard to say much about it. if you could tell me the whole quote and who said it and where and in what context i could probably talk about it in more detail lol. link me if you'd like?

what i will say right now is that i think there's gonna be a lot of arguments and accusations and revelations in dubai, i think louis will go through a hell of an emotional rollercoaster, i think daniel will find out about the eternal sunshine of the devil's minion as i like to call it, will ask to be turned again or at least realize he still wants it, i think louis and armand will break up, and i think there will be a book released by the end.

the louis suicide attempt theory i believe is based on merrick, which i still haven't read (i need to get my shit together and read it before may 12th lol) so it's difficult for me to say much about it? i know he attempts suicide at the end and that him talking to claudia's ghost who's fucking furious with him is a thing that happens. something like that anyway, i've read some quotes from it. i highly doubt louis has been talking to her literal ghost at this point in the show, he's just doing that metaphorically. i would love to see it in the future though.

honestly to me just the fact that armand said out loud that he thinks the interview is basically louis's suicide note indicates that's probably not actually what's going on. that's usually how it works in stories lol. when the character tells you what they think is gonna happen it never happens like that. (on the whole "other vampires will paint the walls with his blood" thing, i think the human world will assume the book is made up bullshit or daniel is senile or crazy, and because of that most vampires won't care that much. would be pretty dumb to kill him since it would only draw more attention to him and the book. i do like the idea of lestat, inspired by louis, going on to more or less successfully prove the existence of vampires, causing a big ruckus, and the whole "great conversion" thing that was mentioned, being a part of the show version of the queen of the damned somehow.)

louis attempting suicide could still happen i guess but i just don't think it's that interesting or particularly good writing in the context of the story being told in seasons 1 & 2. not only because it's kinda predictable and basic and boring to me but like. if he tries kill himself and fails, that's basically him being forced to live. to me, louis choosing to live on in this continuous state of mourning is much more compelling and devastating even, than him having no choice in it. it's like with him staying with armand, isn't it waaaayyy more fucked up and sad if he's doing that of his own volition as opposed to being kept there against his will? that's a story about who louis is, the choices he makes, not about how he's a victim. of course he still is an abuse victim etc, and that's certainly not his fault, but him blaming himself and seeing himself as just as bad as lestat or armand because he "let" it all happen is, to me, a core part of his character. in the book he monologues about his passivity being his biggest fault; in the show he insists "i'm not a victim" even as he's telling us a story about being abused. abuse culture & catholic guilt baby!

also. the thematic note the book ends on is, to me anyway, about the human spirit clinging to life even in devastating circumstances. armand tells louis how so many vampires resort to suicide, but louis doesn't (in book one.) he keeps going, haunted by his past, dead inside and out yet still alive, unable to let go. and he spends the whole book telling daniel the boy reporter how awful immortality is and yet daniel still wants it, thinking it will be different this time. choosing the horrors life throws us, even the cursed half life or unlife of a vampire, over the horror of the unknown that is permanent death. etc etc etc. i love this part of the book too much to want to let it go!

hell, armand only tries to kill himself after finding out what hell is "really like" in memnoch the devil, and while i don't know cause i haven't read merrick yet, i bet that influenced louis too. death isn't as terrifying when you know what to expect.

and i'm also just not a fan of the idea that actually most of the other books' events have also already happened. because then that influences the characters who are telling us the story, in ways that we won't find out until seasons later. like if louis tries to kill himself at the end of season 2 and then in like season 7 or some shit we find out actually it wasn't because of what happened in s1-2 it was actually because right before the interview he was talking to claudia's ghost who said horrible things to him and also because he found out hell is real but it's actually a bit more like purgatory where if you prove yourself you get to go to heaven eventually and also because— like you can see how that would be bad storytelling right? lmao. not that revealing new information about characters or events later is always bad, it can be very interesting and beneficial even, but not if it undermines or completely changes the whole story before that point. not shading AR's retcon habit here at all not at all of course not i would never do that

anyway i think i've rambled enough. thank you for asking!

#asks #anon #iwtv #s #interview with the vampire #vampterview

[mydigitaldiaryz]

Entry Log #8

Sort of blanking out on this entry. I'll probably forget what I put in here.

TW; Talks of OD, Suicide

My friends have been steadily leaving me. This is for the better, though. This is actually a positive thing compared to something negative. It's part of a suicide plan that I made a while ago.

The more friends I lose, the more closer it gets me to commiting. The second I get rid of all my silly companions, I think I'll follow through with the plan I've conjured up in my head and come out to my parents about being gay and how I cut myself. I know they don't accept homosexuality. They'll probably hate that for me, 'nd probably kick me out of the house.

Of course, I'll comply. I'd pack, nothing much really, my phone, a bottle of water, and the bottles of extra-strength tylenol that I have been conjuring up over time. I'll move to a secluded space, I can already guess where-ever it might be. Honestly, I even thought about doing it in my childhood park, get a taste of nostalgia before I go out. For the sake of it, I'll probably text my final goodbyes and shoot my last voicemails to my loved ones, even leave them a paper letter to read. A goodbye note to send myself off. Hell, I'd probably even live stream it. Make myself known or famous too. It's silly childhood dream of mine. I know that part is twisted, but if I'm going out, why not let everybody know about it? I bet people would love to see that anyways.

Then, at the end of my plan, I die. As plain as that. And I know it will work too, because I'll make sure it works, considering the amount I would take if I eventually reach that time.

I'd rather not have a funeral. Or have my loved ones cry over somebody like me. That's why I want them all gone and hating me before I die. So they don't have to suffer, seeing their friend/family pass. Not to mention how expensive the funeral would be, god, I'd never wish that burden on my mother or father. I'm already a big enough one anyways. I feel like I was destined to be alone, too. From when I began living to where I die, I'll be alone. And I accepted it, at this point.

Of course, I know this can change for the better, so it's a plan for a reason. But that's so completely unlikely now. I've lost hope of my life changing. It's sad to know that my life dreams will never get completed, my hopes and wishes will never come true because I am an incompetent person who can't face reality and the struggles of being alive. I'm drowning and there's no way out of it anymore. I'm suffocated. I mean, I really wish I could've accomplished something, but now? I can barely see me getting out of bed without having to cry or feel like a piece of shit. I'll never have the life I wanted. I'll never be the person I could have been. I'll never be anything. All my dreams are just a waste. Nothing I even wish for comes true, all my prayers have never been answered.

I want them to, though. I want to keep fighting, but I don't have the strength anymore. I wish I could continue staying strong, but I don't know now if I ever was in the first place. I wish I could give little me the life they always wanted. It breaks my heart knowing that little kid will turn out to me. They would be so disappointed in what they see now.

To the little me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the life that you wanted. I tried my best, I swear. I promise in this next one I'll make you proud. I'll do my best. I'll give you everything I couldn't have in this life. Maybe in another place and time, but it's just not here. It can't be.

I just want to die soon. I hope this process speeds up faster. Some people are really stubborn when it comes to leaving, but thankfully, most don't care when I'm gone or not. I need to disappear soon. I hope my plan will follow through soon enough.

Goodnight reader, thank you for reading to the end. (If there is any reading it.) I'd appriciate a like and follow, really gets me going 🙏

#mydigitaldiaryz #i wanna kms #i want to disappear #sewer slide #988twt #988blr #988lifeline #tw sui ideation #suic1de #tw sui implied #su1c1d10 #su1cide #su1c1d4l #su1c1dal #su1c1d3 #i wanna disappear #hate myself #i hate my existence #i hate my liiiiife #i hate everything #i hate it here #im so tired

[quietly-by-myself]

A Wicked Work of Art - Chapter 2

Masterlist

I'm obsessed with this story.

CW: medical whump, trans whumpee, test subject whumpee, experiment whumpee, fantasy racism, dehumanization, fantasy whump, intimate whumper, talk of noncon, talk of STIs, smoking, Constantine is his own trigger warning, "kid" used to refer to an adult, suicidal whumpee, slavery whump, talking someone down, talk of patient autonomy

===

When Vasiliki came back to the subject’s room, the subject was sound asleep. The combination of codeine and sedatives really had knocked him out. It was probably for the better, anyway. The kid was in horrible distress. Maybe he’d be better when he woke up.

Vasiliki knew he was lying to himself. The kid was suicidal when he last saw him and he would be suicidal when he woke up.

Back at the nurses’ station Vasiliki went, logging into one of the computers. He decided to read the notes that the nurses had left on the doctors that Vasiliki was overseeing.

There was always one problem child. Of course, their line of work attracted the worst kinds of people. One of the new recruits - a young doctor who’d just finished his residency - was a real sadist. Vasiliki had asked the nurses to keep an eye on him. He didn’t trust the young doctor.

And, of course, just as Vasiliki expected, the nurses were noting setbacks in the mental health of his patients. Doctors of the Facility weren’t allowed to directly hurt their patients with chains and whips like the handlers were. However, Vasiliki knew that forcing medication on patients and taking away the entirety of their autonomy did little to help them, even if that was reality.

After a little while of reading just how poorly the young doctor’s patients were doing, Vasiliki got a familiar craving. He pulled a pack of menthol cigarettes out of his lab coat pocket and logged off the computer.

He had his place where he went to smoke. When he was overwhelmed and stressed with his work, he found himself needing a cigarette. It wasn’t awful. He, as a mage of the light arts, would not suffer ill effects of the cigarettes like the mortals did. 

Waiting there for him, also smoking, was Constantine. His green-blue eye flickered up, looking Vasiliki up and down.

“Funny seeing you here.”

Vasiliki forced a chuckle. “Give me a light, will you?”

Constantine pulled a lighter out of his pocket as Vasiliki put a cigarette in his fingers. In one swift motion, Constantine lit Vasiliki’s cigarette. 

Vasiliki was quick to take a puff, breathing in the smoke as much as he could. When he exhaled, he watched the cloud of smoke float up into the uncaring sky and dissipate. 

“How’s the kid?”

Vasiliki was shocked that Constantine would have the gall to ask about the subject so openly, with so much pride in his voice.

“Suicidal.”

Constantine raised an eyebrow, a grin playing at his lips. “He was always a depressive type. Only made him more fun to train.”

“Was it just you or did your guys also get a go at him?”

Constantine smirked. “I’m not sure I know what you mean, Vasiliki.”

“You know damn well what I mean, Constantine. I need to know if I should put him through testing for STIs.”

“I’m offended that you think that my men aren’t tested for that shit regularly. Never had a problem with any of them. And I’m offended you’d think I of all people would have some myself.” Constantine scoffed. “But for the record, he was mine alone.”

Vasiliki searched Constantine’s face for any indication that he was lying. He found none. “Okay, I won’t put him through it, then. I trust you.”

“Well, I’d hope so. I worked hard with that kid to make him perfect for you. He’s exactly your type. Needy, a little bit dependent. He’s got a big heart. He’ll make for an excellent assistant or companion for you.”

Vasiliki had to swallow the bile in his throat at the implication that he would want to violate the subject. 

“I’m more interested in using him for research.” Vasiliki flicked his cigarette. “He has a devil inside him, doesn’t he?”

Constantine nodded. “It only takes over when he’s angry or panicked, it seems. That’s why I worked hard to beat the anger out of him. That only made his anxiety worse, but I’m sure you can deal with that. There’s so many medicines nowadays.”

“I’m trying to convince him to go on something.”

“Why not just force him? He’s property, your property, right now.”

“I think that it does more harm than good to force them onto those sorts of medications.”

Constantine considered Vasiliki for a moment. For him, it was likely just talking shop with Vasiliki. For Vasiliki, though, it was something more painful - a reminder of the subjects he’d lost in his early days, before sedatives, antipsychotics, and antidepressants.

“Hey, Vasil?”

Vasiliki didn’t notice that he’d zoned out on Constantine. “Yeah?”

“I told you not to feel bad for him. I meant it. I know how you are, but he isn’t just a regular mage of the dark arts. He invited a devil into his body. He’s a special kind of evil.”

“He broke down crying, begging me to kill him,” Vasiliki said tersely. “I can’t see evil in someone like that.”

Vasiliki threw his cigarette down and stomped it out. “I need to go back. One of my juniors is making a shit storm.”

“Just remember our training, Vasiliki. They aren’t humans, especially ones like him.”

Vasiliki waved his hand dismissively, but he had little to say as he disappeared back into the bleach-white halls of the hospital. 

—

“Asimi, are you there?”

Akakios recognized where he was, but he still found himself frightened. He knew he was dreaming. Dreaming was the only way he could see Asimi. Otherwise, Asimi was just a small voice that echoed in his head.

The form of the devil appeared in front of him. They were wearing their white and brown fur coat - their long, silver hair scattered across their silver wings. 

Immediately, the devil looked Akakios up and down, touching his shoulders gently. Injuries and scars didn’t go away in the dreams Akakios had with Asimi. Asimi’s silvery eyes filled with concern.

“My dear, you’re sick.”

Akakios looked at Asimi with dead eyes. It only seemed to make Asimi more concerned. “I can’t live like this anymore, Asimi. I know you chose me and I’m truly honored that you thought I had potential, but I can’t live this life.”

Asimi opened their mouth, as though they would speak, but they quickly shut it and instead pulled Akakios into a hug. 

Akakios broke down sobbing, the pain in his chest making it difficult to breathe. Asimi only hugged Akakios tighter, pulling his nearly nude form into their furs. 

“My dear, I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. I know my presence has only made it worse for you.”

“No, Asimi. You’re the only thing keeping me alive.”

Asimi somehow hugged Akakios even tighter. “You’re stronger than you know, my dear. You’re going to get through this one way or another.”

“You heard what he said! I’m going to be sold to a laboratory.”

Akakios felt absolutely hysteric. He couldn’t keep going. He needed Asimi to understand that. Their magic was part of the reason he’d managed to stay alive for so long. He needed Asimi to leave his body and find another host. Asimi would never be happy being in the body of a slave.

“Take a deep breath, Akakios.”

With all the care in the world, Asimi led Akakios through a breathing exercise. Together the two of them took deep breaths, counted things in the dream world, and focused on the sensations of Akakios’ body. None of the sensations were pleasant, except for his face buried in Asimi’s furs, but it helped nonetheless.

“It’s okay, my dear. I know this all feels impossible right now. I know that you feel alone and hopeless. But, I promise you, that there are good things in your future if you can survive this.”

“Are you sure?”

“There certainly isn’t death in your future, Akakios. The doctor assigned to you is going to make sure of that.”

“I’m restrained to a bed and he’s giving me medicine. I don’t think I can tell him not to give me anything.”

Asimi hummed. “Probably not. I won’t discount how awful that is, either, my dear. You’ve been through so much. You’re stronger and more valuable than you know.”

Akakios didn’t believe Asimi, even if it was what Asimi believed with their whole heart, whatever that meant for a devil.

“I’m so sorry, Akakios, my love.”

“Do you really think I can make it, Asimi?”

“I do, my love.”

Akakios stayed quiet for a long time, tears streaming down his face. He couldn’t find it within himself to say anything to Asimi. He’d just disappoint them. 

“I’ll try then.”

“I’m here if you need anything from me, Akakios. You know you can always call on me if something goes wrong.”

Akakios nodded, his eyes red and puffy. 

“Good, my love. One day, I’ll be able to join you in the flesh. For now, we’ll stay like this. Together, we’ll both make it. Okay?”

“Yes, Asimi.”

Asimi gave Akakios one more squeeze before Akakios found himself awake, in restraints, in that paper gown, on the hospital bed.

How he longed for Asimi to come in the flesh. Sometimes, he wondered why Asimi didn’t come to save him themself. Then, he remembered who Asimi was, what their purpose was.

It was so much bigger than him and his troubles.

To his surprise, tears were rolling down his cheeks. He couldn’t move much at all. He wanted to curl up into a ball and cry, but instead he was spread on a bed, crying, alone. 

I’m always with you.

The familiar voice echoed in his head as he laid there, crying. 

Right.

Even if his life had changed, even if he was seen as less than human now, Asimi would always be there for him. That, on its own, was the comfort that Akakios needed. 

He wouldn’t give Asimi up for anything other than death.

When Akakios looked at the door, he noticed the familiar figure of the doctor, watching him quietly.

Akakios swallowed.

“Do you want to be alone?” the doctor asked.

Akakios looked to the side and swallowed. He hoped he’d given the right answer.

“Okay, I’ll be back in thirty minutes.”

Akakios found some solace in the privacy the doctor was affording him, but knew that it wouldn’t last forever.

It never would. 

After all, the only thing that lasted forever was death.

===

Tags: @i-can-even-burn-salad, @whumpsday, @pigeonwhumps, @oddsconvert, @pumpkin-spice-whump, @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi

#medical whump #trans whumpee #test subject whumpee #experiment whumpee #fantasy racism #dehumanization #fantasy whump #intimate whumper #talk of noncon #talk of STIs #smoking #whump #whump writing #whumpblr #whump fic #whump community #constantine manikas #suicidal ideation #suicidal whumpee #slavery whump #a wicked work of art

[system-of-a-feather]

Working with Vulnerable Stuck Parts - Peer Advise

Hello all~ Our system is finally getting back into a groove of shit again now that we are back to working (yes, weird stabilizing coping mechanism, I know) and also going through a lot of training in our new job that has honestly been a joy to think about and it made me think some about how we handle things in our system that I thought might be something worth sharing with others.

I'm going to give some context about our system because I think its important to understanding the situation and thus probable limitations / specifications that this works with; so bear with me about the personal yammer, I'm only putting it cause I think its relevant.

So for context,

I am Lin and when I'm operating as a separate part, I'm a very specialized part that helps dealing with parts from the side system that tend to stay in peaceful voluntary dormancy / sleep. The side system operating like that works for the best for all of us and is something that side prefers as well, but sometimes life situations cause those parts to "wake up" and end up out. Unfortuantely a side effect of the fact that they are usually dormant or "sleeping" for months to years and usually not as integrated with our life, they tend to be pretty detatched from reality, the present, and are often much higher hazards than if they were regularly around. It is also a problem we deal with a lot because - by the nature of the system wide + their intent to be dormant, it means the only times they really front is usually when they have to / are forced to, ie - a negative trigger that other parts were not able to prevent from escalating to a point where one of those parts are sent out.

As a result, I'm usually the part that is here to minimize harm and help those parts regulate themselves, calm down, express what they need to, let them know that they're safe and welcome to interact with the system as much as they want, and eventually go back to their preferred state (often resting and dormancy). The parts from that side system are prone to a lot of impulses of self harm and suicidal ideation and a lot of maladaptive coping as that side system has some of our oldest and youngest trauma holders that have been deeply dissociated for years at this point. They're very stubborn, independent, and distrustful of parts that aren't from their side system so a lot of the usual parts other than myself are largely fighting an uphill battle to help them out. I'm kind of a mutual resident of both sides of the system and so I'm one of the only parts that is in an optimal position to help them both out.

Our system is basically at functional multiplicity / final fusion and thus - even when we get triggered like this - communication is much easier and its much more reliable for me to internally communicate. This stuff is harder with higher dissociative barriers and so this might not be practical or applicable to people who have those higher dissociative barriers or have a system structure that doesn't make this particularly applicable.

Some pointers from my experience...

When these situations come up, I think the most important thing to keep in mind and aim for is to be good company for them. If you are a good person to have around, then you are inherently going to be giving them some support during the time they are out and you are inevitably going to help them know that they are safe and welcome in the life they are in - regardless of how much they are aware of the present or the system or your current living situations. The only other thing I would say before "be good company" would be to maintain safety, because that should always be a FIRST priority; but I hesitate to say that as I find a lot of people label a lot of things a "matter of safety" way before it is ACTUALLY a "matter of safety" and thus imposing where it is not necessary and thus creating an unsafe or unpleasant company.

What is Good Company?

Good Company is really just someone who is a good part / person to have around. Ideally, if you are being Good Company, you establish a good sense of alliance and a sense of comfort for the part that is out; but I typically aim to just be someone that the part tolerates being around and occasionally hearing exist around them because often, that is the most I can ask from the part. (A lot of them dislike people and are extremely adverse to receiving help and trying to do so will often ruin any chance of working with them)

There are a few things to keep in mind and ways to make sure you are "good company" for a part.

Take time, observe, and listen to the part and what they are feeling, thinking, planning, etc.

Get to understand where they are and what they are feeling and where they are in terms of escalation / overwhelm and try to get an understanding of what they are capable of processing, considering and working with. This is important because you DO NOT want to immediately jump in and immediately start throwing suggestions and solutions and trying to make them "better" under your per-conceived understanding of what is "good for them". Often this comes off as aggressive and it takes a lot of control out of that part's hands as to how they are treated, how they should act, and how they regulate themselves. It also removes an opportunity for that part to try to practice having some agency in how they take care of themselves. Vulnerable parts have often lost a lot of sense of control and autonomy - its important to give that back to them.

Try to engage with what they are doing right now and/or thinking about.

This just means show some interest in whatever they are showing interest in. It doesn't mean you have to agree or play along, but engage in a gentle conversation or comment on what they are doing. Sometimes this can be something as large as trying to question a maladaptive core belief / cognitive distortion or something as small as just narrating / stating an observation. When in doubt, start the least intrusive into their current state and see how much of your presence they are okay with. Overall, its a good way of establishing a sense of interest and alignment with the part and what they are going through without imposing in a way that might be triggering or uncomfortable. You are there to be with them, not to fix them.

Never make demands and never tell them what to do or how to act.

You can suggest things to do, but don't make demands. These parts are already going through a lot and they often don't have as much ability to process things in a non-emotional triggered state. Even if they want to, they might not be able to genuinely consider or act upon what you are asking. You might be right and their current choices and insistence may be maladaptive and unideal, but you have to meet them where they are and the last thing you want is to increase the stress they have. If they are on low coping resources, don't ask them to do more than they have. Sometimes some coping is just not accessible at certain mental states and that's okay. This isn't to say though that you shouldn't suggest positive coping or...

Suggest and help guide them to ways that can help them regulate their emotions, cope, and get out of any dangerous or unhealthy thinking patterns.

Often these will be shut down in my experience as a lot of these parts - as much as they don't want to feel like this - feel reluctant to willingly take their attention off whatever they are fixated. It's a trauma response because - even if they feel like they are dying and don't want to feel like this - they also feel genuine fear, anger, terror, or any other self preservation emotion and often with PTSD, letting that feeling go feels like leaving yourself open to get harmed. In my experience, they will be stubborn and reject it, and that's okay. In these cases, I often bring it up again gently a little later and/or try to bring it up again later in a phrasing that is more catered to them (rather than "we can draw together" which is general, I can say "hey do you wanna draw yourself? we can draw yourself together, we have a drawing pad over there").

In the meanwhile, while they are reluctant to shift from their current mindset, its helpful to suggest modifications of whatever they are intending to do to minimize the risk and harm done by it (assuming it is a risk / harm). Rather than running away in the middle of a winter night, maybe we can go to the gym, maybe we can sit in the backyard, maybe we can take a quick walk around the house, maybe we can find a nice place to hide. This can help build up the mental resources to switch focus off of trauma or a negative stimulus and onto something more enjoyable.

Have a good time and have as much fun as you can realistically have in the moment with them.

If you can get them to a place where they are more receptive to talking to you and/or changing activities / mental focuses, try to help guide them to something that you know they enjoy or (if they have nothing they enjoy) direct them to something you think they might enjoy / something you enjoy that you think you can make fun for them too and try to just enjoy the time in the front with them. Give them a good time now that they are out. Be their friend and make this time that they are out as much of a positive one that you can despite the situation. If you can, try to say bye in some form and thank them for the time they spent with you, because even if you are helping them, it's an honor to be able to help a part out and get to know them better.

Life can suck, trauma can suck, but hey, at least I'm here and we were able to draw together.

And honestly that's really it.

It's really important though to keep in mind and remember that these parts - no matter how scary and stressful and dangerous and self injurous they might sound - are parts that have been through a lot and are often extremely overwhelmed, stressed, and have very little resources - both physically and mentally - to work with. They are going to be having a lot of struggles, quirks, and things about them that might be easy to judge or recoil from - it is at upmost importance to try your best to withold yourself from being judgemental or shaming them for how they present. Even if they are thinking and having impulses to do horrible things, even if their actions are problematic and you disagree with. Try your best to not impose your ideals and idea of a perfect coping onto them and just focus on being there for them first and foremost.

Be their friend, not their behavior police.

#alter: lin #advice #therapy #recovery #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #trauma processing

[thecrimsonjaguar]

its fucking time baybee

Alright. Alright. FUck. Oh my fuck. I have time now to sit down and process fionna and cake. god fuck. holy shit.whta the fuck , ive been so busy and ive finally caught up and. god what the shit

FUCK

DAMN IT ALL GOD FUCKIGN FGUIGT5BFEWIGTRFTHY

god fucking damnit i KNEW it was going to tear my HEART out we're not even FINISHED YET THE SHIT WHAT THE FUCK

uuuguhuhuhuhuhuhuh i need to be coherent. ok. ok.

I planned initially to talk about the episodes individually but fuck that,

So Simon is very suicidal. like. oh god I know we saw it in the original series but here it's on another level. He doesn't *just* want to die. He wants to put himself through an experience he considers WORSE than death for the rest of eternity. like. hell man. hes not ok

and like. i've mentioned it before but simon's just so. nice, yknow? He's kind. he's good. You can see he wants to be a good person and that part of him is like, slowly being drawn out again. He's so damaged and stuck in the past that he ends up hurting people around him. he made a little girl cry. He tried to talk about it with marcy, we know he's not okay with his behavior. and then with the candy queen, he's sees that she's nuts and he is immediately talking about helping her. He's trying to give her the kindness and help that he was denied for so long.

(and it makes me think about Ice King, right? Like, remind me, has anyone, and I mean ANYONE, ever approached IK and genuinely, earnestly asked IK for real help? If a little kid asked IK to please save them, would simon's kindness shine through? would Ice King help?)

And i'm genuinely nervous about what's to come. I imagine at some point it's going to hit F+C that the crown and Simon do NOT mix. And it's going to probably be a rude wakeup call. but what about after that?

Like. we didn't see Simon in the afterlife. We've all been theorizing about that for a bit but since we know for a FACT that simon is aging, then I imagine something is going to happen to him that keeps him from the deadworlds. and i'm putting a lot of trust into the show because it's really good so far so if something strange and cosmic DOES happen to simon, i have faith it will be good.

but like!!!! i kinda don't........ want that?? I want him to live in his OWN reality and make peace there, so he doesn't get separated from marcy. (The Simon and Marcy relationship is pretty much one of my favorite, if not the favorite, thing i love about AT. If something does happen to simon, I want him to have some way to stay connected to marceline.) And I want him to still be friends with Finn and I want him to make it up to that little girl he hurt. Im nervous he'll end up leaving and while we might get some of that, will everything get resolved in a satisfying way???

probably (hopefully) i'm being paranoid. This show is great so far. I think it can handle simon for a while longer. and i think if something weird does happen to simon, i can enjoy it.

i got more thoughts, but this post will do for now

#at spoilers #spoilers #at #adventure time #fionna and cake series #at fiona and cake #adventure time fionna and cake #ugh #the theme song drives me nuts (in a good way) #and the fionna characterization!!! i never thought i would love it this much but its so good #the characters swearing feels.... so natural to me somehow #like yeah. of course they say ass and crap and damn. thats what they do #now say fuck do it say fuck #they can botch the entire series and i'll only allow it if they make simon say fuck #the humanized genderswap brainworld is awesome too #bro simon got boys in his brain being fruity and god fucking damn that's hilarious #the yuri king contains yaoi #also all the murders. like fuck #i really want farmworld finn to be alive but errrrrr im not holding much hope for him. rip #brian david gilbert fucking jumpscared me #why is winter king so tall #like i said. i got more thoughts but they'll get their own posts

[butchniqabi]

something about carmy of "the bear" fame that makes me crazy is how he has normalized (possibly even romanticized?) the self harm behaviours he started when he was working at those michelin star restaurants that when people are like "??? that doesnt seem healthy" he is immediately defensive like "i dug it. it was everything." it probably isnt even clicking in his mind that its a form of self harm because it is the reality of every chef in his position. like what is wild (and tbh recognizable) is how something that is essentially mental and emotional torment became something to be proud of. this happens soooo often in professional art* fields where everyone is expected to reach some ridiculously high standard and people start to take pride in how they destroy themselves to reach that standard. the more you subject yourself to harmful behaviours and thought patterns, the better you are at your job.

genuinely hope that season 2 he reckons with how fucked his state of mind is, and maybe even recognizes how similar he is to michael bc he too is experiencing (passive) suicidal ideation. like...idk where im even going with this lol but its so astounding how wildly different careers and trades encourage the same awful shit just in different ways. really really hope that he gets a therapist bc honestly its very likely he has ptsd from the experience. anyways! hope this gets addressed more explicitly in the future because like. you cant keep going like this babygirl

*arts like orchestral performance, dancing, acting, editing, camera crewing and yes cooking. while i dont doubt other fields absolutely do this it is more ubiquitous in professions where you are essentially the means in which someone can consume a product, which is capitalist logic but lets not get into that now qfgwhe

#chez le carmy #sorryyyy this was so long im just Thinking

[sleep-deprivedracoon]

Tell it to my heart

Here's to the one with the scorching stare of love, blood, and vengeance. Eyes killer cold, blue and bare.

pairing: Gojo Satoru x f! reader AU - Mafia

warnings: angst, implied abuse, injuries, blood, alcohol, death, suicide, drug usage, addict, recovery, smut, gore, violence, trauma, guns, abuse, sex, overstimulation, rape threats, murder

Author’s note: This fanfiction is going to be a slow-build story with an irregular upload scheme. I am not sure when I will be able to update. I might upload multiple chapters in a single week or not upload for a few weeks. It depends on what my daily schedule is, and it is very dynamic. This story is for a mature audience and will have a lot of problematic themes. If this is triggering to you, please refrain from interacting with this story. The content warning is for the entire story and not just for this chapter. Again, I cannot emphasize enough, that this is a slow-burn story. In this story, you will find some changes in mannerisms among characters. Gojo Satoru will be smoking and drinking. Yuji and Sukuna will be 2 different people but are related by blood. The main reason is, that I do not see Yuji being part of a Mafia unless he had no other choice. The cursed spirits will be human in appearance.

Notes for this chapter: TRIGGER WARNINGS – PTSD OF ABUSE

<< Previous chapter | CHAPTER LIST

art credits - @neverwho_art on Instagram (i added a b&w filter on top of it to fit the theme of this chapter)

Chapter 13 – Hollow

You were sweating bullets even though the AC was set to cool the room down. It felt like you ran a marathon when in reality your tremors were the ones triggering your sweat. You had already thrown up a couple of times in the past few hours. Your nose was dripping and you wiped it off with a tissue. Shoko had cleaned all your wounds and treated your burns. She said it would take a few days for the soles of your feet to recover. Your nails would probably take a couple of months to fully grow back. The withdrawal was painful. You had been through this multiple times already but it was still painful. Every muscle in your body ached. All you wanted was some relief and there was only one way to get it. You were hooked to an IV as you were severely dehydrated and malnourished. You were given electrolytes every few hours. You were advised to rest as much as you could but sleep was not peaceful. You kept waking up every now and then. You found Yuji sleeping on the floor. The boy had not left your side ever since Shoko was done treating you. He tended to your every need.

You also had Sukuna visit you. He was mad at you. Mad at himself.

“What were you thinking???” He pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Utahime was in danger… I had to-”

“You had to tell me that the Zenin prick was going to put you up to this. I would have had this handled. Look at what they have done to you.” He shakes his head.

You begged him to take a picture of you. You wanted to see what you had been through. Although it scared you, you needed to see what they’d subjected you to. When he handed you his phone to show you the picture, you barely recognized the person you saw staring back at you. You were clad in a simple loose gown similar to the ones you could find in a hospital. You were covered in bandages. Your hair was matted and your eyes were covered by dark circles. You had lost a lot of weight. But what caught your attention was that your eyes were devoid of any emotion. They were hollow.  It felt like you were looking at a stranger.

“It’s not that bad…” Yuji tried to reassure you.

You just nod and hand the phone back to Sukuna.

The next time you were asleep, you were woken up by someone’s footsteps entering your room. Your body was now tuned to wake up at the slightest of disturbances.

“Shit, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” He looked alarmed. His blue eyes still had the same gravity that they did before. His hair was more skewed than usual.

“Satoru…” You whispered. He was here. He was okay. Your eyes quickly scan him for any serious injuries.

“Hello… ” He rubbed the back of his head.

“Strawberry Haze… that is the password.” You quickly blurt out.

“I am sorry, what?” He looked genuinely confused.

“Geto… He wanted a password from me. I think it was for a warehouse. I overheard Mahito and him talk about it. The password to the warehouse is strawberry haze… Asami texted it to me when she was going to see me. She also mentioned it when we met. I mean, why would she want a very specific strain of weed if she was short on her usual drugs? I don’t know where this warehouse is but I am willing to bet on it that the password is Strawberry Haze.” You pause to catch your breath. You didn’t remember the last time you spoke so much.

“So that is why he captured you.” He sits on the edge of your bed.

“That is why he kept me alive. He genuinely believed I knew it.” You sit up and lean your back against the headrest.

“Alive? Hah!” Gojo closes his eyes shut. “I wouldn’t call it being alive. I went through Miguel’s report that Yuta gave me.” He clenched his fist tightly.

“You’re right.” You looked out the window. You had asked for the bed to be placed near the window. You hadn’t seen the sun or the stars in two and a half months. “Death would have been merciful. But I think I deserved it.”

“Are you out of your mind!?” Gojo snapped.

“Maybe…” You sighed. “So many people had to suffer because of me. My parents, Nanami, Utahime, some of your men whose name I’ll probably never know, and even you.” A tear slipped from your eye as you spoke. “It was only a matter of time that Karma got to me. Can I ask you a question?”

“Go ahead.” Gojo crosses his arms as he pulls his legs on top of your bed.

“Why did you rescue me from there? For all you knew, I could have been a rat. I could have told them everything I knew. You had no reason to get me out of there.” You look at him.

“No reason? Really? How about rescuing a friend? Is that a good enough reason?” Gojo looked offended. “You may not believe it but all of us here consider you as a part of our group. Shoko, Sukuna… hell, Utahime blamed herself and stepped down from the triad. Megumi wasn’t sleeping properly. Yuji was a mess. Shoko and Sukuna used all their connections to find any information about you. I… I was shocked to learn about you. About Nanami and you. I woke up only to find that I lost two more friends.” He looked you in the eye. “If I didn’t bring you back, Nanami’s sacrifice would have been in vain. If someone knew you, they’d know you’re no rat. And even if you did leak some information, it wouldn’t have mattered. I would have still done anything in my capabilities to bring you back. I made a promise to keep you safe.”

“Gojo…”

“I failed to keep my promise. It was my mistake. I failed to foresee a lot of things.” He grits his teeth. “The SnK will pay. They will pay for every person they’ve taken from the triad. They will pay for Nanami and they will pay for you.” He tries to hold your hand. You flinch a little but you hold his hand. He looks at your fingers and back at you. His eyes looked like a pool of crystal blue. “Fuck…”

You pull your hand back and curl your fingers. Your fingers without nails looked disgusting. You felt like a freak. “They’ll grow back.” You mumble.

“That’s not the point.” He growls. “Who did that to you?”

“It doesn’t matter. There are far too many scars to hold him accountable for.” You shake your head.

“We can get rid of the scars. I know the best doctors who – ”

“No! No… I am not going to get rid of them. I need to remember. I need to.” You insist.

“(Y/N)… You –”

“I have to Gojo. Please.” You plead.

He sighs and nods. “Fine! Fineeee….”

“Gojo…?” You look down this time, hesitant to talk to him.

“Hm?” He raises his eyebrow.

“Do… Do you… have a cigarette?”

“Um… I do… but peach, I don’t think it is a good idea for you to be smoking now.” He reaches out to you. As he places his palm on your cheek, you flinch a little. “I am not going to hurt you.” He strokes your cheek with his thumb.

You nod as you gulp down the lump in your throat. He called you peach. It felt like it was forever ago. “Sorry, it is just an instinctive reaction.”

“Shh… You have nothing to be sorry for. I understand, (Y/N).”

You take a deep breath as you feel fatigued. After all, you were woken up from your sleep.

“I am going to get some rest, Gojo. If that’s fine with you.”

“Of course. You don’t have to ask me… Is it okay if I stayed here for a while?” He pulls his hand away and places it on his lap.

You nod and slide down to lay on your bed. You close your eyes and try to regulate your breathing. As you nod off, you hear Gojo whisper. “I am going to make him pay. I am going to make them pay.”

---------------------------------------

You were able to walk within a week. Your soles had healed enough for you to take small steps and walk around your room. You’d also start wearing your own clothes. You noticed how loose they’d become. They barely fit you anymore.

You looked at your reflection in the mirror. Your eyes still seemed hollow. Dark circles around your eyes were prominent due to the lack of color on your face.  Your hair was a matted mess. You find a pair of scissors in the cabinet beside the mirror. You take the scissors and began to chop off the parts that were heavily damaged and matted. All you could hear was the snipping of the scissors. The cut was uneven but it wasn’t visibly bad.

You were surrounded by the hair when you place the scissors back in the cabinet. You look at all the hair and your heart breaks. You weren’t particularly attached to your hair but seeing so much hair on the floor felt like you cut off your old former self. She was gone. Gone for good. You fall on your knees and cry. You cry as you grab strands of hair on the floor.

“(Y/N)… We have an idea and Shoko approved – (Y/N)…?” You hear Yuji pauses as he sees you on the bathroom floor with the door wide open. He was followed by Megumi, Sukuna and Gojo.

“(Y/N)!!” Gojo rushes to your side and kneels beside you. “Are you okay? Is something hurting? Call Shoko!” He looks at Sukuna.

“N-No… I- I am fine…” You wipe the snot off your nose. “It’s – It’s all gone…” You look at all the hair around you.

Gojo wraps his arms around you. “Hey… Hey… It’ll grow back. It’ll be alright. Don’t worry about it. You look just as beautiful with this length as well.” He grabs a strand of your hair.

“Yeah, (Y/N). This length suits you!!” Yuji approaches you. He pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket and hands it to you.

You take the handkerchief from him and wipe your eyes. You use Gojo as a support to stand up. “I am sorry… that was… stupid.” You sniffle.

“Naah. What was stupid was trying to chop your own hair.” Sukuna rolls his eyes. “We could have just arranged a hairdresser for you, ya know.”

“Sukuna!” Yuji glares at him.

“What?” He growls.

“You’re an idiot.” Yuji shakes his head.

You giggle looking at their banter. Everyone pauses as they notice you giggling.

“That is the first time we heard you giggle ever since you came back,” Gojo explains as confusion reigns over you.

You ignore the statement and compose yourself. It was probably the first time you giggled after Melbourne. When was the last time you smiled? You didn’t know. You compose yourself. “You guys had an idea?”

“Oh yeah!! Since the weather is so nice and everything, we thought that we should have a picnic in the backyard.” Yuji grins.

“A picnic?” You raise your eyebrows

“Yeah… You could use some sunlight…  I mean, when was the last time you were outside?” Sukuna leans against the wall.

“Oh… Okay, what should I do?” You dry your eyes with the kerchief.

“Oh, you’re doing nothing. Just leave it all to Sukuna and me!” Yuji grins. “Come on Sukuna, let’s get things ready!!!” He dashes out of the room.

“I swear to god, this brat treats me more like a butler than a brother,” Sukuna grumbles and follows him.

“Come with me, let’s fix your hair.” You feel Gojo’s hand on your back and you flinch.

“Sorry!” You apologize for your reaction. “You’re a hairdresser now?”

“You’d be surprised with what I can do.” He smiles softly at you. He walks out of the bathroom to grab a stool from the dressing table. He places it in front of you. “Take a seat.”

You sit down as he slowly combs through your hair with his long, slender fingers. Your body trembles involuntarily. Another human touching you without malicious intent felt alien to you. You hear the snipping of the scissors and you jump a little in your seat. You feel his hand rub your back, reassuring you.

“It’s okay. You’re okay now, (Y/N). No one here wants to hurt you.” His voice was warm.

“I know… I know…” You take deep breaths to calm yourself.

In about 20 minutes, Gojo was done. You look at your reflection in the mirror. He’d done a much better job than you had. Everything was evenly cut.

“Thank you.” You smile at him. “For everything. I owe you a lot.”

“Hm? Naah. You don’t.” He messes your hair. “(Y/N)…”

“Yeah?”

“Nothing..” He shakes his head.

“What is it, Gojo?” You knew he wanted to say something.

“Can I…” He clenches his fist… “Can I hug you? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“O-okay, yeah.. I mean… You can hug me.” You shift awkwardly.

He closes the distance between the two of you as his arms wrap around you. You inhale the familiar scent of his cologne and shampoo. Still tense in his embrace, you feel him relax against you as he pulls you closer to him.

“I am.. I am so sorry, peach. I was an asshole to you when I last saw you. I was unnecessarily mean.” You feel him shiver. Your arms wrap around reaching his back. You stroke his back.

“Satoru… Shh…”

“I was scared… So scared because that bastard almost caught you. For the first time, it felt like someone pulled the rug from under my feet. I understood the gravity of bringing you into my world. I needed to act fast and get you away from all of this. So my fucked up solution was to push you away.” You feel him hug you tighter. “But it was all useless in the end. They got to you. They…” You feel him heaving against you.

“Satoru… listen to me..” You hold on to him. “In the end, it was my choice. I walked into it myself.”

“I don’t know why I was so scared to lose you… I thought you were gone. Like Nanami.” He slowly pulls himself away from you and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. "It might have been your choice but it could have been avoided had I been better prepared. Had I not been overconfident, I could have.... I would have.... What were you thinking, (Y/N)??? Do you not know what you mean to m- us?? Do you think Yuji would have continued to live the way he was knowing what you had done? The boy was this close to joining the triad to find you. You think Sukuna would be okay with the guilt of letting Naoya get to you?? Or Utahime would be okay with you dying in her place? We told you that you are family. You think I would -" He takes a deep breath to calm himself. "Do you think I would have been okay knowing that I couldn't keep my promise? What do you think would happen to us all if you died, peach???"

“Yuta saved me before that could happen. I am alive. I am here.” You hold his hand. "You came through. You lived up to your promise." You gently squeeze his palm. "I thought dying was an easy way out. But knowing what I know now, I am not ready to die Satoru. I know I belong here, with you... I mean with the triad." You correct yourself.

“Don’t ever do that again.” He squeezes your hand back. “I mean it. I will drag your ass back and lock you in a room. Heck, I nearly wanted to do it this time.”

“Message received, boss.” You chuckle dryly.

He raises your chin gently with his fingertips and places his lips on yours. Your lips part as you savor the warm touch. You remembered this feeling all too well. You felt safe, you felt like you belonged here. You felt at home.

#gojou satoru x reader #gojo satoru #gojo satoru x reader #gojo sensei #gojo x reader #jjk fanfic #gojo satoru smut #gojo smut #jjk smut #nanami kento #gojo saturo #jujutsu gojo #yuuji #jujutsu kaisen #gojo jjk #gojo jujutsu kaisen #gojo fanfic #gojo x y/n #gojo x you #gojo angst #gojo satoru fanfic

[dantesunbreaker]

Why Do You Lie? Ch. 3/3

Daryl Dixon x Transmasculine Reader

I have this posted on Ao3, but I like having my work cross posted. This has some pretty heavy themes so be warned. I kind of hate this chapter. It was rushed and I wasn't motivated. Some traumatic stuff happened during the writing of it so I went a month without working on it. So apologizes if it doesn't live up to the rest of the story.

Trigger Warnings: Attempted Suicide, Mention of Transphobia, Mentions of Drug Overdose, Self Harm, Mental Illness

Stunned sums up about all that Daryl can feel in the moment as he staggers backwards when you barrel past him into the cell block. Shit. Of all the things, making you cry was the last thing that Daryl wants to be responsible for. Just.. he always struggled with this kind of thing. Relationships. Emotions. Anything of the like was almost like a foreign concept to him, something that would just make his head spin when he tried to wrap his mind around it. Not that he didn’t want those things. He really did. Especially with you. But it is far easier to fall back on old ways than to adapt to change. Kind of like the saying you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Daryl sometimes sure felt like an old dog.

With a heavy sigh, the archer crouches down to examine the bottles spilling out from your discarded messenger bag. Taking the time to actually read the label, Daryl finds himself still at a loss for what it could possibly be. It’s baffling. Merle was notorious for his experimenting with drug use. If you could get high from it, you can bet your ass that Merle had tried it at least once. So why didn’t Daryl recognize this one?

Lifting your bag, Daryl stuffs all the bottles back into your bag and sets his way towards the one person he trusted to know the answers to what it was and why you were after it. Hershel. Probably the only other person at the prison you readily would confide in. With such a calm, gentle soul, the old man could put anyone at ease. Daryl finds him in the infirmary, book in hand as he peacefully reads to pass the time.

“Hey,” Daryl breaks the silence as he steps into the room, setting your bag down on the table but choosing to remain standing opposite Hershel. “Can I ask ya somethin’?”

Giving a content hum, Hershel snaps the book shut and sets it down on the table as he turns to give the archer his undivided attention.

“Certainly. How can I be of service today?”

In one swift motion a single bottle is pulled from your bag and placed onto the table directly in front of Hershel with the label facing him. A word hasn’t even left Daryl’s lips before the older man is plucking the bottle off the table and turning it over in his hands.

“Hopin’ ya might be able to tell me whatever this is used for,” Daryl explains as he shifts anxiously from one foot to the other, a small pit of dread forming in his gut.

“Propranolol. It’s a beta blocker, which means it blocks the effects of epinephrine. Adrenaline. Commonly you will see it used to treat heart conditions or high blood pressure, but in some cases it may also be used in treating the physical effects of anxiety,” the bottle is once more set on the table between them. “Not something on our usual lists of medicines. Who did we pick this up for?”

That small feeling of dread forming in Daryl’s gut is suddenly a dense heavy weight that makes him feel he might drop to the floor. Of course. With all the time spent watching over you or spent with you, he knew you to be a highly anxious individual. The hunter in him often thought of you as a skittish buck, always moments from freezing in the metaphorical headlights or bolting for the trees. Things as simple as a wrong word said in conversation could stall you up, with only Daryl’s hand resting on your shoulder seeming to pull you back to reality. But somehow Daryl never put much thought to your behavior. With the way Daryl felt towards you, it was hard not to think everything about you was normal and perfect.

“Y/N,” Daryl finally manages to get his dry tongue into motion. “Had his whole bag stuffed with ‘em. Froze up and nearly got himself bit doin’ so. I uh... sorta got into it with him about. Twice. ”

“I suppose that’s why the boy seemed so distressed when I saw him run past?” The archer gives a short nod. “Well, you best go find him and not waste anymore time. Y/N is a very troubled young man. I fear that he may do something rash to himself if he hasn't already.”

Fear spikes at Daryl’s heart as he realizes the gravity of the situation. Heart thudding against the cage of his ribs, Daryl bolts towards the only way you could have gone. How could he have been so stupid? Hershel watches as the archer races away before he slowly stands to begin gathering supplies to prep the infirmary. If you were still alive, your best chance for survival was to be able to get the necessary medical help as soon as possible.

Reaching the cell block he had helped clean not too long ago, Daryl throws open the door and takes a cautious step through. Part of him expects, hopes, that you would pop your head out of one of the cells to greet him. But of course that isn’t the case. However, about halfway down the block the archer thinks he can see something scattered across the floor. Impending dread seeps further into his senses as he takes silent steps closer. Tiny blue pills pepper the ground in a sporadic pattern.

No! Rounding the corner into the cell, Daryl feels as if his heart stops dead in his chest at the sight of your crumpled form pressed back against the wall. Crimson pools on the ground just below you while a slow dribble continues from your left wrist. Dropping to his knees without grace, Daryl rips the bandana from his pocket. In most circumstances he would care more about the cleanliness of the scrap of fabric, but in his urgency he doesn’t bother checking. All that matters at the moment is getting something around your wrist to staunch the flow of blood. Tightly, perhaps too tight for your comfort, Daryl binds your injured wrist with his own trembling hands.

“Come on, Y/N,” Daryl’s words come out as a pained growl, fingers traveling up your neck in search of your pulse. A short lived wave of relief crashes over him when he feels the still steady beating of your heart. Having a pulse was good, but it didn’t guarantee that you were out of the woods.

Rough, calloused fingers brushing against your cheeks slowly coaxes you back to the realm of consciousness. Worried crystal blue eyes peer back into your eyes the moment you convince your eyelids to flutter open. Perhaps there is life after death. Why else would the man you’ve been secretly pining over for so long be kneeling in front of you? But then the pain returns and hits you like a sack of bricks. Of course, it would be far too good to be true to think you had made it to heaven. A swift and peaceful death would be too much to ask for.

“Daryl?” Your voice is thick as if from sleep, a dull ache beating at your throat.

“I’m here,” the archer shuffles closer, open palms moving to cup your cheeks as his thumbs stretch to the corners of your eyes as if it somehow would help keep them from closing again. “Stay with me, sunshine.”

There is a soft fluttering in your heart at the gentle tenderness the normally gruff archer seems to display in this moment of darkness. So unlike your previous interactions of the day. A sad smile paints your lips as you feel the need to rest once again pulling at your senses.

“You have such beautiful eyes,” you can’t keep back a half giggle half content sigh. “For what it’s worth... I love you. I care for you... Always have.”

With a trembling hand, you reach up with your blood stained appendage to stroke the archer’s cheek, leaving a trail of scarlet in its wake. For a moment you swear you can see unshed tears welling up behind those crystal blue orbs.

“I. Love. You,” you hope to drive the message home. If anything, Daryl needs to know that he is capable of being loved, that he is worth something.

When your eyes snap closed, the archer lets out an undisguisable sound of protest as he attempts to keep you from slipping away from him. Pulling you to him, Daryl presses you tight into his chest and holds you there for a tense moment. Then you are lifted up and cradled against his chest and supported by his arms. Carrying you back to the infirmary seems to take an eternity, though only because Daryl knows that your life's on the line. Sweat clings to the archer’s skin as he is finally easing your limp frame onto the bed Hershel already has prepared for you. Stricken with shock, the archer can do little more than stand beside the bed with a feeling of numbness as he finally pulls away from you. Only the nudge at his shoulder from Hershel breaks him from his stupor.

“Daryl. Daryl, I need you here with me son,” there is a sense of urgency in the older man’s voice, yet he manages to stay calm and collected. “Tell me how you found him.”

Spying the blood soaked bandana around your wrist, Hershel presses two fingers to your neck in search of your pulse. It is still there beating slow but steady. Now it is the matter of doing what he can to keep it that way.

“In one of the empty cell blocks,” Daryl is quick to answer, watching Hershel’s every move intently. “Bleedin’ from the wrist there,” he points to the fabric Hershel is slowly unwrapping. “Had little blue pills all over the floor around him. Managed to keep him awake for about a minute or two before he was like this.”

A sigh leaves Hershel. “Do you know how many he took?” Daryl responds with a shake of his head. “Let’s hope not enough. We don’t have anything on hand to treat a beta blocker overdose.”

Tense silence washes over the room as the archer begins to anxiously pace back and forth across the concrete floor. He hates this feeling. Like he is powerless, useless to do anything to help you. But he doesn’t know enough about medical shit to be of any help. He would just be in the way. So he just has to place all his trust in that Hershel will do his best for you.

“Y/N is a lucky young man,” Hershel hums as your wound is exposed to the world and wiped clean with a damp towel. “He hit a vein instead of an artery. Bleeds slower.” In fact, part of the wound is already beginning to clot and slow the flow of blood leaking out of you. “Appears he also managed to go without causing any severe nerve or tendon damage. Indeed a lucky man.”

Glancing over Hershel’s shoulder, the archer considers the wound, stunned to only see a wound no longer than an inch and a quarter. How could something so small have the potential to cause such damage? The time it took between Hershel tying off the few stitches and securing a fresh clean bandage around your wrist was miniscule.

“I’ve done what I can,” Hershel begins to clear away the supplies, cleaning up the impromptu workstation. “Physically, he will be alright,” the older man turns to fixate Daryl with a particular look. “Psychologically, he may still need some help. Y/N is going to need you, Daryl.”

Sucking in a much needed breath he wasn’t aware he had been holding, Daryl gives a wordless yes as he fights the feeling of tears wanting to tickle at his eyes. As Hershel leaves the room Daryl continues to pace the floor for a few tense moments before he drops into a chair he pulls up alongside the bed.

It seems like hours that Daryl sits beside your bed, eventually reaching to pull your hand to rest in his lap. Eventually you begin to stir in the bed, making soft groaning noises as your face scrunches up in discomfort. Hopeful, the archer squeezes your hand ever so slightly in hopes to coax you further back to him. Blinking a few times you manage to return to the land of the living. Even the dull lighting of the prison hurts your eyes, but you focus on pushing past it.

“Hey,” is all you hear from your side as you finally take note of a firm hold on your hand.

Forcing your head to turn, you feel a pause in the beating of your heart as you see none other than Daryl gazing back at you with a look of pained fondness. Why was he here? Why was he looking at you that way? What happened? And then it all comes rushing back to you. The pills, the arguments, the blood...and Daryl finding you with tears hiding behind his eyes.

Before you can say anything, Daryl breaks the silence. “I’m sorry,” there is regret dripping from his voice as he stares back at you. “Hershel told me...about what the pills are for. I’m real sorry, I shouldn’t have been so hard on ya without knowin’... And I don’t expect ya to just forgive me. But I didn’t ever want to hurt you like this.”

“I forgive you,” you blurt out without a thought. It was never in question that you would forgive him, people make mistakes all the time without thinking about it. And, you knew that Daryl would truly want to cause anyone pain or distress on purpose. “Just...don’t do it again please?”

He nods simply. For a while, you think that is the end of the conversation. You glance down at the bandages wrapped tight around your wrist and can only assume Hershel took care of you. Despite the circumstances, you are grateful. Some things just happen for a reason. The world must still have some purpose for you.

“Look,” Daryl lets out a sigh after a long moment and turns his gaze to your hand still in his lap. “Ya know I’m not real good with this shit, but I’m tryin’. But...I like bein’ with you, caring for you. I’m a fool for not sayin’ nothin’ sooner.” There is a long pause of silence, you ever so patiently waiting for his next words with bated breath. “But, if you’ll have me...I’d like to be your fool.”

A new pain blooms in your heart, but not in an unwelcome way. Rather, you feel your very being ache in that moment for Daryl. But also for yourself. It is hard to fight against what you know and is your comfort, no matter how much you want what’s waiting just on the other side.

Sensing the archer’s growing unease at your lack of answer you finally part your lips. “I’d love nothing more, Daryl. I’ve sorta been hoping for a long time that you might feel that way,” feeling shy, you try to push away the heat rising up your cheeks.

Silence that is not quite comfortable, but not quite awkward fills the room as both of you look at anything around the room besides each other. It will be a while before there is a sort of comfortable ease in this newly formed relationship. Neither of you really knows how to do this, but you know that it is worth it as you feel Daryl gently squeeze your hand that still rests within his. Pink dusts his cheeks as he continues to look at the wall beside you, but there is an innocent smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

#daryl dixon x ftm reader #daryl dixon x trans reader #daryl x reader #daryl dixon x reader #walking dead fanfiction

[frauleinandry]

okay, so, as i mentioned before, i have a million plus arcana swap au ideas, and since i’m never going to actually write this one, why not post it into the void? (also, people will probably enjoy it since it’s shuake lmao)

so! this particular plot nugget is set in a new game plus arcana swap au... except the reset point isn’t yaldabaoth like most NG+ fics, but the maruki bad end (with some elements of the maruki failed deadline end tossed into it for maximum pain).

in the original timeline, akira cannot choose whether to stay in maruki’s reality or go. maruki’s choice makes him have a complete and utter mental breakdown, and, well, if you’ve seen the failed deadline ending for maruki’s palace, you know how this goes. maruki puts him into an enchanted sleep, erasing his presence from the world and dooming humanity in the process.

this sends akira’s spirit to the velvet room, and lavenza. is. pissed. if he’d chosen to stay in maruki’s reality, that’d be one thing, but by not choosing to act at all, he’s spit on his role as a wildcard (namely, that he should be taking responsibility for his actions and that the choices he makes should be his own). so, at great personal risk, she uses her powers to reset the timeline, in the hope that whoever’s chosen to be the new wildcard will find the strength that he lacked.

cut to the reset timeline. akira is walking home from school when he overhears shido assaulting that woman. he goes to investigate, but the second he does - blam. his memories from the original timeline return, slapping him in the face. once his shock has worn off, much to his horror, he realises shido and his victim have already driven away. no assault charge for you, akira.

by now, he’s absolutely freaking out, and after doing some frantic googling once he gets home, he realises things are very, very different. the detective prince doesn’t exist. people who were once dead are now alive, or vice versa.. also, for some fucking reason his name is now amamiya ren. 

in a full-blown panic, akira runs away from home and goes straight to tokyo. none of his friends or confidants recognises him, and to make things worse, some clearly aren’t the people he once knew anyone. to make matter worse, others are just... gone. when he goes to yogen-jaya and realises there’s no leblanc, akira has a full-blown panic attack. 

suddenly, his phone pings - it’s the metanav. perks of being a former wildcard, and all that.  when akira visits mementos though, his spirit of rebellion doesn’t manifest, and the velvet room is just... gone (he’s not the wildcard anymore, after all). it’s then that he realises that losing all his bonds isn’t the only thing that’s happened - yaldabaoth is now back. akira is extremely, extremely, cognizant of how close he came to losing that battle. now, there’s a very, very real chance that the world is going to end, all because he couldn’t make a decision.

(fun fact: akira’s new arcana in this role swap is the hermit. this boy is having a very, very bad time.)

let’s move to akechi. in this new world, he’s not the justice. his mother survived her suicide attempt or never had one in the first place. money is tight, and he still gets a lot of shit due to his family situation, but his home is loving. sure, he’s not a saint by any means - akechi is still somewhat prickly and has elaborate and violent fantasies about getting revenge on shido, but ultimately he’s a normal teen. he’s the top of his class, a member of the student council, and is already getting scouted by universities. he might even have a stepfather he begrudgingly tolerates and little siblings he loves. 

that all changes however when one night, he remembers the original timeline. normal teenager akechi -  who’s never genuinely considered murdering someone in his life - suddenly has the memories of his past life as a traumatised assassin forcibly injected into his brain. 

suffice to say, akechi absolutely freaks the fuck out. when he looks at his mother, he now sees her corpse. when he spends time with his family, he can’t help but think of the families he’s destroyed with his very own hands. whenever his underclassmen ask him for advice, he hesitates - given how monstrously he’s fucked up, what right does he have to guide anyone? 

(whenever he smells the ocean breeze, he feels sick.)

still, despite having an extremely unique type of mental breakdown, akechi is a person of action. like akira, he has the metanav on his phone, and akechi wants answers. unlike akira, he’s still got enough defiance to manifest a persona, even if robin hood has only a fraction of the power it did before. during a trip to mementos, he encounters akira. he finds out his former rival has run away from home (it’s not like his parents would miss him, after all), and is currently funding himself via a ludicrous amount of part-time jobs.

reunited, they start planning. still, while there are remnants of their old rivalry, their dynamic has fundamentally changed. akira still possesses his inherent kindness and big heart, but he’s far more jaded than the old joker ever was, and the fire that once animated him had been snuffed out. meanwhile, this timeline’s akechi is the opposite - his basic personality is still intact, but he lacks the sharp edges the original akechi did. this akechi knows what it’s like to be loved, after all (not that he feels like he deserves to, given all the blood that he’s never technically spilt that’s staining his hands). these boys are a very different shade of fucked up, and it shows. anger has been replaced with despondency and rivalry with understanding. in every world, they’re two different sides of the same coin, after all - doomed to be the ones who understand each other the best. 

back to the plot, while akira still has no persona, akechi can still fight, which means they can at least attempt to rig things in the phantom thieves’ favour. the second they try to go to the metaverse to interfere with shido/any PT target, however, the app glitches, stopping them from entering. their worst suspicions are confirmed when akechi first meets the new PTs and tries to warn them about yaldabaoth, but he finds that he suddenly can’t speak. they’re just pawns in this new game between gods, after all, and neither of them can break the rules. this is the inciting incident to the formation of akira’s palace, who believes he’s doomed to watch as his loved ones die.

akechi probably fills the high priestess role - he tries shoehorning his way into the phantom thieves and gets them all into trouble, or alternatively, gets caught up in some bad shit while attempting to investigate shido, and the PTs bail him out. who knows! this is sort of where the plot bunny ends - there’s a reason i’m never going to write it in full lmao. still, if you’ve gotten this far, i hope you enjoyed it!

#this is.... so long asdfghjkl #persona 5 #persona 5 joker #goro akechi #shuake

[brandstifter-sys]

Distracting

For @dukexietyweek Day 2: Games           (Ao3)(login required)

Word Count: 1579

Characters: Virgil, Remus, Roman (mentioned)

Rating: T

Warnings: Intrusive thoughts, anxiety, crying, mentions of suicide, referenced suicide attempt, sexual themes, gore mention

Virgil and Remus tend to get serious when they play video games. And when Remus gets anxious because of his thoughts, Virgil knows just how to comfort him.

---

Sometimes having a boyfriend like Remus meant getting dragged into the Imagination for some crazy adventure. Sometimes it meant cuddling him so he wouldn't flail in his sleep when he had nightmares. Sometimes it meant some violent suggestive roleplay. But sometimes it meant playing video games and having a heart to heart. 

Virgil was used to Remus rambling on about his frustrations while plowing through zombies. He was used to venting about his own struggles when it was his turn on the controller. They were better at talking shit when they were both playing. But this time was different. 

"You know what really grinds my gears?" Remus said as he moved Leon through the police station. He was sitting on the couch, leaning on his knees and watching the screen. 

"A lot of things. What is it this time?" Virgil asked from his perch on the couch. 

"Roman. He won't shut up about Nico, and he keeps flooding the Imagination with fluffy romantic scenarios about Thomas getting married and growing old with him," Remus huffed as his fingers worked over the controller.

"What's wrong with that?" Virgil bristled. So maybe he was making that worse. 

"Nothing, but he's setting himself up for heartache. He's trying to make his fantasies reality when Thomas doesn't really know Nico. He's not excited for the journey, just the goals. It'll bite him in the ass if he can't separate reality from fantasy." 

"You're one to talk," Virgil scoffed. 

"I am! When's the last time Thomas actually murdered someone? Or fought a pack of coyotes? Or decided that the blender was a good place to stick his—" 

"Point made." 

"I don't really want to take over the bulk of the creative work while he wallows again. I let my influence slip in too much. I thought you would have caught me back then." 

"You did a good enough job that I thought those slips were just Roman being a mess," Virgil shrugged. 

"Daw," Remus giggled and glanced at him quickly when he was in a safe room, "That's the nicest thing you've said to me all week!" 

"It's Sunday, you dork," Virgil huffed and crossed his arms. He hated how easily Remus could fluster him even though they'd been together since before the series started.

"Yeah and? You'll probably say something even nicer to me before Saturday!" 

"If I didn't have a shit ton of work to do, I'd be insulted." 

"I like it when you're snarky and mean! You come up with the wittiest comebacks and threats, and it makes me feel special that you use that brain power and creativity on me!" Remus said with a shimmy. 

Virgil grumbled and hid his face in his hands. He pulled his knees to his chest and tried to disappear. He really had to get better at taking compliments. At least Remus went back to playing his game. 

"You know, the worst part of this whole Nico thing is that you're involved on Roman's side."

"Are you jealous that I'm spending time with Roman?" 

"Nope! I like that you're friends! I don't know if I like how he's influencing how you think about Nico," Remus replied through gritted teeth. 

"What are you trying to say?" 

"I'm worried about you. You're usually cautious about other people, you need to know more before you get attached. If he's not the guy you guys imagine, I know Pissboy will lose it, but what about you?" Remus asked and wiped his eyes, "What happens to you when he goes back to being a tyrant?"

"Octopup?" Virgil asked and relaxed his posture. 

"What if he starts blaming you and attacking you again when things go wrong?" Remus rambled. He had to pause the game because his hands were shaking, "Wouldn't it hurt more since you were actively trying to help? What if he pushes you to the edge again? I know how mean and hurtful he can get."

Virgil took the controller and set it down before pulling Remus onto his lap. Remus clung to him and trembled. 

"What if I'm not enough to stop you? What if you decide to try again?" 

"Your intrusive thoughts are getting to you," Virgil said softly and rubbed his back. It wasn't an accusation, but an understanding. 

"I can see it so clearly. The falling, the abyss, and then you disappearing. And it could happen! It's not just a bad idea this time!" Remus sobbed, "I keep seeing you die over and over, just like the last time. And I was right back then! If I didn't show up—" he hiccuped and shook with a another wave of tears. 

"Puppy," Virgil said and kissed his forehead, "I'm not going to let that happen. Even if he blames me for everything, I know he doesn't mean it, I know that the others see my worth, and I know that I can't bear the thought of actually hurting you. I can't forget the way you looked at me, the way you pulled me back without touching me. I can't do that again." 

"Virgil," Remus said and looked up at him, "I love you." 

"I love you too," Virgil said and hugged him, "And I won't let any other anxiety eat you alive. You're my snack." 

Remus giggled wetly and nuzzled into his shoulder. It wasn't often he got anxious over his intrusive thoughts, so he was glad to have the most experienced anxious mess with him. 

"Can we play a game?" Remus asked, unsure if Virgil would go with it. With all that needed to be said out of the way, Remus needed a good distraction.

"I guess Resident Evil isn't the best option. So how about this? You name a musician or band and I'll tell you what song of theirs reminds me of you," Virgil suggested. He could think of something else if he had to. 

"If I don't know the song will you sing the lyrics?" 

"It won't be the whole song." 

"Okay. I'll just name bands I don't know well so you'll sing for me," Remus said and lifted his head, "Uh, Escape the Fate." 

"Gorgeous Nightmare." 

"I don't know that one," Remus pouted and dried his eyes. Virgil smirked and kissed his forehead before clearing his throat.

"'You're such a gorgeous nightmare. Old habits never seem to go away. You make me feel brand new, yeah. We resurrect it's like I've come back to life.'"

Remus giggled softly and squeezed his boyfriend. He was an emo nightmare alright. 

"Black Veil Brides." 

"Rebel Love Song," Virgil answered with no hesitation. Remus knew that one and he grinned at the thought. 

"A Day to Remember?" 

"You Had Me at Hello," Virgil responded and gently scratched his scalp. 

"Lyrics?" Remus hummed and melted into the touch like a puppy.

"'What have I gotten into this time around? I know that I had sworn I'd never trust anyone again but I didn't have to. You had me at hello.'"

"Yellow car," Remus suggested, unsure if that was an actual band. Virgil caught him biting his lip and decided he wouldn't make him nervous again.

"Ocean Avenue," Virgil said before singing a few lyrics, "'If I could find you now things would get better. We could leave this town and run forever. I know someway, somehow we'll be together. Let your waves crash down on me and take me away, yeah." 

"Uh, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus?" Remus asked and snuggled closer. 

"Your Guardian Angel. You don't need me to sing that one," Virgil hummed, "I sing it to you at night." 

"Pretty please?" 

"For you, yeah," Virgil said softly and kissed away his tears. 

"'Seasons are changing and waves are crashing and stars are falling all for us. Days grow longer and nights grow shorter. I can show you I'll be the one.'"

Remus laughed softly and kissed his neck. 

"You're so sweet, Scare Bear!" Remus sighed and trailed his lips up Virgil's jaw, "You take such good care of me." 

"That's because you take good care of me. And because no matter how gruesome and gross you are, I love you." 

"Can we play one more round and then cuddle and watch a movie? Naked?" Remus asked and nipped at his ear lobe. 

"You went from anxious to horny fast," Virgil noted and pulled his face away from his gremlin. 

"It's not my usual horny. It's cuddly vanilla horny, and it's all because you gave me a heart boner and it spread. So can we?"

"Yeah, one more and then we can go to your room."

"Papa Roach! And you should still sing!" Remus giggled. He knew them better than Virgil.

"...To be Loved," Virgil said and leaned down right by his ear to deliver on the lyrics with the same cadence as the original recording, "'I want domination, I want your submission, I see you're not resistin', to this temptation.'" 

Remus shivered at the low growl laced in Virgil's voice. He expected that but he was never ready for it. He grabbed Virgil's face and planted a smooch on his boyfriend. 

"You really know how to distract me and make me squishy!" Remus purred, "Keep doing it!" 

Virgil kissed him again and sank them both out. Sometimes having Remus for a boyfriend meant being vulnerable in a casual setting. Sometimes it meant that Remus would need him more than he let on. And most times it meant Virgil had his own piece of heaven. 

#dukexiety #remus sanders #virgil sanders #sanders sides #dukexietyweek2023 #day 2 #suicide mention tw #anxiety tw #intrusive thoughts tw #gore mention tw #hurt/comfort

[ikamigami]

Okay, so I went meta again!

Why do I keep saying that Sun might end up either harming himself badly or straight up killing himself (irregardless if he'll sacrifice himself or not)?

Remember my post about barrels being a parallel to Sun? We could see in latest episode that Sun said that he's tired of cleaning the barrels. It's not the first time when he said that among with stating that barrels are stupid and they don't have any purpose to be in the Daycare. All of those things Sun said about barrels are actually about him. Barrels are getting dirty constantly just like Sun is viewing himself as being dirty and disgusting - being bad and awful. Sun is tired of cleaning the barrels over and over again parallel that Sun is tired of trying to be better, trying to be good because no matter how hard he's trying it's not enough. Sun thinks that barrels are stupid just like he is. Sun thinks that barrels don't have any purpose just like he doesn't. Adding all those things together gives us a pretty clear picture of Sun's mental state. He's tired of living this meaningless life. He doesn't even see a purpose in his own life. He thinks that he's evil and no matter what he does or says can't change that. Because no matter how hard he's trying it's not enough. He always ends up causing more problems, making things worse.

Sun also (in "Sun and Moon's new enemy" episode) wanted to throw the barrels away (!?) and he said that he's starting to hate that they're even here (!?!?) and all the barrels do is that they tumble (!!!) to which Moon replied that this is entertaining. Kids love to tumble the barrels. But the sad reality of this is that Sun considers taking himself out of the picture completely (literally) and that he starts to hate his own life and existence and that all he can do is that he tumbles (literally and metaphoricallly)!! (And better let's not talk about the fact that Sun's suffering seems very entertaining to many in and outside of the show ; ;)

I think that Sun may be suicidal. He already had death anxiety and was thinking about dying a lot. And now he would like to end it all. To end his own misery and take all the pain he's causing to others with himself.

But it's also obvious that Sun doesn't want to die. That's why he keeps trying even though he himself can't see that it's making any difference.

In latest episode just like in the episode with Ruin DCA, Moon said that other could taking care of cleaning the barrels to which Sun was heavily against. I think that this parallel the fact that it would be good for Sun if Moon or Earth or maybe someone else could help him with his issues. But Sun declines any help because he doesn't want to burden others with his problems and he probably thinks that he should deal with his own shit on his own. Sun also reminded Moon that some barrels are weapons of mass destrucion which parallel how Sun view himself as a dangerous murderer. Sun doesn't want others to get near the barrels just like he doesn't want others to get near him because he may hurt someone.

And most important thing is that Moon said that they could just replace the barrels-weapons with safe ones. To which Sun didn't have any argument. But it's important to point out that Sun didn't responded to Moon not only because he couldn't argue with what Moon had said but it was meant to symbolise something. The silence on Sun's part means that he doesn't see any hope for himself. He's unable to change for better. He's unable to stop being bad. That's why he considers taking his own life. But he also still tries to be better despite that he thinks that it's not enough, that his efforts don't make any difference. Because he has to for the sake of others (mostly Moon and Earth). He can't make them suffer more than he already did. That's why he keeps living even though his life is a constant struggle, pain, misery and suffering.

Sun also doesn't care that he's way of coping with his issues is unhealthy (besides Sun said that he doesn't have any coping methods; we know that he definitely screams to release some of the stress but Sun also said that screaming ain't helping him that much (it was in QnA video)) which is a parallel to what Earth said that Sun's obsession on cleaning is very unhealthy. Sun even straight up replied that it's very healthy (because he fights with germs etc.) which I think parallel how Sun keeps repeating that he's fine and everything is okay. Because it's all good as long as others don't see how broken he really is, as long as they don't see the truth about how awful and bad he is.

Beside that Sun can't stand seeing Moon and Earth being so worried about him. It makes him even more awful, useless and worthless. That's why he doesn't want to tell them anything. Because he can see how they are already so worried. Why worry them more then?

I also think that Sun stood up to Eclipse in "Eclipse is a nobody" episode because he doesn't care anymore what Eclipse will do to him. He became more numb. He's probably more afraid of what he could do to others than what whatever Eclipse might do to him. But like I said I think that Sun probably regrets what he had said to Eclipse because he seemed bothered (even if slightly) by the fact that star is basically killing Eclipse.

I really think that Sun feels like he's even more awful and bad than Eclipse. Because I'm sure that he feels responsible for Eclipse's existence, his actions and now maybe even his feelings.

And that's why I keep saying that Sun will probably end up harming himself badly or straight up killing himself. His mental state is deteriorating more and more. I'm afraid that he'll have another psychotic episode during July. But this time he may end up harming himself. Heck, even if Sun won't kill himself, he'll be so broken mentally that it'll be very hard to help him get better.

That's why I think that showrunners intentionally always went with Moon or Monty or even Lunar saving the day rather than Sun. To show us how miserable Sun is and to let us understand his point of view that he's useless and can't do anything right. And that's why I think that Sun won't save the day. He's the one who needs to be saved.

That's why I hope and beg and pray that there will be a situation in which Sun will be harming himself and someone would see that so they'd know how broken and messed up Sun is! I just want Sun to love himself and forgive himself and to be happy! I want for him to find a relief and peace! I just don't want for Sun's story to be a complete tragedy!

Sorry if my English sucks a little but it ain't my native language.

#sun and moon show #sun and moon show sun #fnaf sb #fnaf sun #sams sun #sun and moon show moon #sams moon #fnaf moon #sams eclipse #sun and moon show eclipse #sams analysis #sams meta analysis #sams sun meta #sams thoughts #sams spoilers #sun and moon show lunar #sams lunar #sun and moon show earth #sams earth #sams #sams sun is barrels #sams barrels #tw self hatred #tw self harm #tw sui #tw death anxiety #tw psychotic episode #tw mental health

[frankiistein]

To be fair I dont know how you can expect anyone to talk to rpp (? Or whatever their name is) if there account is deleted, but I get doing it through you like the other anon/s does comes off as stalkerish

not directly @ u anon but i get messages abt this b4, i dont answer majority bcuz its asking too much abt personal things or things i just dont know/dont care abt, again altho i love the comic and admire the author on a personal level we arent "close friends", im avoiding this topic out of respect but ill clarify it now bcuz i already cleared it with "rpp"

r they still alive? probably, but the thing is, i dont actually know! nobody knows bcuz rpp is a group, and has always publicly been a group who spoke in the singular. there r ways to contact "rolypolyphonic" but in reality u have no assurance whoever answers is the one tumblr ppl mostly look for (emanuelle/celecaster/interference-signal) bcuz to respect their wishes the rest of rpp wouldnt announce if they actually did kill himself that day. unless u knew each member separately around 2020 enough to have added them on their personal accs, or were one of the few ppl they liked enough to reach out to personally, most likely u never actually talked to emanuelle, u might have i mean, but it could have been anybody under "rolypolyphonic"

im not close friends w/ emanuelle, i know some of their acquaintances/mutuals but tbh i dont know who their actual friends r or if they even HAD actual friends who they disclosed real plans to. the closest we have to "real" news is that since rpp has cancer since 2021 or whatever and that at some point before deleting they said they want to stop going to hospitals so maybe they didnt kill himself so much as let themselves die

the only ppl who can know for sure most likely r the other rolypolyphonics and they wouldnt disclose that shit in public, the reason theyve always been vague abt the differences between them is exactly bcuz they dont want ppl to know if/when something like this happens

if u care abt closure then safer to assume that yes they killed themselves rip send thoughts and prayers or whatever. what difference does it make. its not like u guys have any real intention of helping them through their suicidality if they were actually still alive anyway judging by the fact yall were content to ignore them the two or three years they were openly suicidal on main xd

if it makes ur parasocial feelings better from knowing them for schizoposting their "serious" posts were always collectively so rest assured at least one of the ppl u "connected" to is not dead. ¯\_( ' -' )_/¯

frankly if they have any friends/acquaintances out there there that they actually keep in touch with or talk abt their daily life with, well im not one of them. when we talk its always about breadavota or psychology/philosophy, we dont "small talk" abt how each other is doing irl. and i dont expect those ppl to publicly come out with details about their personal whereabouts/daily life

#even if they were alive i have the feeling theyd prefer we act like theyre dead anyway considering theyre delusional abt it anyway