#I mean fuck I used all my fucking energy yesterday doing shit for them instead of taking care of my own stuff and WHY

[samwisefamgee]

The funny thing about constantly telling yourself that things could be worse is that sometimes. They are :)

#youd think the moldy trailer was gonna be rock bottom #but apparently its staying in a basement covered in the dust of a thousand thousand catshits #with the same people who traumatized me over 22 years until I moved into the moldy box in the first place :) #because im STILL dumb enough to believe their promises after decades of betrayal! or more accurately i dont get the choice lol #either way if i dont get outta here fast it is game the fuck over. been too much mental and physical pain for this shit to be worth it #fucked anyway given how much debt and permanent degenerative damage has been done but at least I can live whatever shit years I get left #in relative peace #I mean fuck I used all my fucking energy yesterday doing shit for them instead of taking care of my own stuff and WHY #all I got was get asked over and over to work even fucking harder like what the fuck did I expect #years pass and nothing changes for the better with these people what the fuck #and even if I DO manage to find somwhere to stay with folks who WONT lie to me for years to abuse my labor and psyche #I'll be broken in body and mind and spirit and ill need a job within the week to not fall behind #i still havent gotten on my feet and every attempt to rely on family. no matter who. #was just an excuse for them to use me for all I had for nothing in return #cant exactly find roommates with no money no credit no will to live and 20 problems on top of that that mean I cant pay rent yet #and without any family who wont try to kill me slowly or any friends who arent so fucked themselves they cant help its lookin like #im fucked once again gang #to think i was so fucking close to escaping all of this before the pandemic happened lol. even what I had then just isnt possible anymore #if I hear one more baseless 'things get better with time :)))' I WILL vomit until I choke to death like buddy that just isnt true sometimes #straight up some people are born to eat shit and die. babies get cancer. its been 24 consecutive years of eating it and I aint whistful fam #not anymore at least #keep sayin 'well it could be worse' when its about the worst its been and youre just asking fate to prove you right #only reason Im not completely homeless instead of technically homeless is that folks actually on the streets are much tougher sort than I #gonna jinx this whole fuckin rant but it really is a fuckin joke. i cant live like this but most folk Ive met on the street #would jump the moon just to live in the moldy trailer I got kicked out of let alone a filthy basement. #this COULD be a home I could work and live out of. fellas is it picky to prefer despair over living with people who traumatize you #does that answer change depending on circumstance and time or is there truly no justification in not making your life worth it #or am I really just the pathetic stoner burnout dropout that my folks see me as? I mean categorically yes. #is there any justification redemption or even just comfort to be found in that state considering the Weight that induced it #does it even matter if no other person knows what that Weight has been or for how long its built. if no one ever will know? whats the point

[fanyyy444]

Weird how yesterday(Bruh it's 3am already so.. 🕴🏻) I was gonna talk about @eevietarot but then she/they suddenly deactivated.. ?

Yeah tbh I'm fucking sick and tired of being 'over-villainized' in such a toxic and shitty tag, and fortunately, I NOW AM AWARE of the delulus here and I'll be more cautious with what I post and the readings I do(Even tho I always ask the person for their permission to read on them, if they're comfortable with the question, if they want to answer, etc etc etc. Seems like I gotta remind people about this 1 million times lol, I guess some of you have that so famous 'gold fish memory' when it comes to that topic, so sad😢), but yeah, unfortunately, back then I wasn't that aware at all and so that means that → I DIDN'T FUCKING KNEW THAT SAYING X READERS GIVE OFF X BTS FS VIBES WERE GONNA TURN INTO A WHOLE DRAMA AND ALL THAT BULLSHIT LMAO💀💀

Yeah it would've been better if I hasn't replied to that anon👍🏻 But I mean.. ???? I DIDN'T KNEW IT!!???

Just trynna clear some things out so let me just tell y'all that I didn't had any bad intentions when that shit happened, I didn't knew I'd cause such a tragedy lmao, I WASN'T AWARE OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN, if I knew it before then I definitely wouldn't have done it🥰 I was literally just answering a damn ask like de boas and I was okay because what could happen, right? LMFAO. I just answered that ask innocently but the devil decided to leave hell for a min🫠 And + I did deleted the post(s) with the asks after eevie asked me for, in fact, I rejected doing it at first and I mean.. Do I really need to explain the reason?🤔 I rejected deleting it the first time eevie asked me to do so because I thought it was something fine, nothing really important/that could cause a drama, etc etc. I WASN'T AWARE OF THE DELULUS AND I DIDN'T KNEW THEM BOTH WOULD GET HATED LIKE THAT🗣️🗣️

I apologize for all the hate that both eevie and infinity received that time and I just swear my life 2 things → 1. I didn't had bad intentions nor nothing, I was literally just answering an ask innocently. And 2. I wasn't FULLY aware of the delulus thingy, and of course I wouldn't have done that shit if I knew what was gonna happen.

Oh and the energy thing? I was also innocently acting. And tbh I have this feeling that I was like scared? Maybe not scared lol, but definitely I was confused af. Yeah that's it🫠 And so I told eevie that her energy "changed" and tbh I was just so confused lmao, but btw, I think(Not sure since I don't remember those things properly) that it was because of the way she was writing/typing..?? Ikr, fucking dumb and stupid thing🥴 Oh and also lol, I can use any AND how many emojis I want and I can fucking type the way I want, not satisfied? Then get outta my blog babygirl🤩 Anyways →→ I think I said her energy changed because she was typing "coldly" (💀💀) and yeah I was confused af too lol, BUT ANYWAYS, I did deleted the post(s), not right after they asked me to do it, but then after some minutes(Or hours..? Bitch how can I remember? But I didn't took so long to delete them anyways) and then we blocked each other and yeah👌🏻

These bitches GRATUITOUSLY hating on me everytime and all the time I open my anon asks like tf?? Go shave ya hairy poosies, armpits or legs or whatever, get a job or something, clean a dish, sweep the house or whatever bitch lol, u've got so many free time to hate on someone online but refuses to do something way better, useful and coherent.

It is way better to talk to someone face-to-face instead of talking shit about them behind their back, it would be way easier if people tell the person they got a problem with or something, like they talk to them face-to-face and they can solve their problems/dramas calmly without other people's shitty, non-asked, useless interference or opinions. Please talk to ME if you think we got a misunderstanding or you want me to explain what the damn fuck REALLY happened or anything. Talking shit about me to other people won't help anything and if you fucking give me a chance to explain the shit I "did", IT WOULD HELP INSTEAD, it really would and I'd be thankful because u gave me a chance to explain the drama I caused or the misunderstanding or anything, don't spread fake news guys🗣️ Do the favor and listen to both sides AND don't meddle where you weren't called, if someone got (into) an argument with another person YOU do not interfere nor give useless opinions or criticism, do not interfere unless ure asked for, etc etc etc. Just go mind ur own business fr💀

Sick and tired of being this damn "villain" and "wrong person", and actually, fuck off lmfao🖕🏻🫶🏻

안녕~ 👋🏻💗

Y'all have a good day or night and also take care pls, it's mercury retrograde ugh😩

#bts tarot #kpop tarot #bts fs #bts future spouses #kpop tarot reading #bts tarot readings #jungkook tarot #jungkook fs #kpop reading #kpop readings #bts #kpop #bangtan #bangtan boys #tarot reading #tarot #witchblr #witchcraft #bts ot7 #tarot readings #stay alert👀

[mizufae]

This is Korben from this morning at the internist specialist. It was just a consultation today. Tomorrow, however, they are doing all SORTS of invasive things. He is gonna get a full endoscopy and colonoscopy, a liver biopsy, samples taken from his gallbladder and bile duct, and he’s gonna have a feeding tube put in!!! Our beautiful handsome boy is going to get all kinds of terrible bandages.

What’s wrong with him, you may ask? Well, after throwing up every day for over a week a couple weeks back, we did urgent care vet and then multiple ultrasounds and rounds of blood work, all showing an increase in his billirubin and inflammation of his pancreas, gallbladder, and liver. He stopped throwing up but then got a respiratory infection and was sneezing boogers for a week. Coupled with all of this he had lost over a pound in the past three months and had already been underweight. And then he stopped eating. He has only eaten tiny amounts in the past two weeks and is continuing to lose even more weight.

So, what could be going on? That’s what all the procedures are for tomorrow! They are going to take all the samples from his various bits and culture them so we know the exact kind of medicine to give him. And meanwhile, we will do steroids to help the inflammation, and be able to get food into his stomach and put all his medications in him through his feeding tube, instead of forcing pills and goop down his throat and traumatizing him multiple times a day. It could just be a worsening of his preexisting IBD. It could be an obstruction in his common bile duct or small intestine or gallbladder. It could be small cell lymphoma! All of these are treatable, though IBD is progressive and lymphoma would mean different kinds of cancer treatment and palliative care.

This is all costing an arm and a leg, but Korben has a very rich grandmother who would be downright offended if she didn’t pay for it, thank goodness. The less expensive diagnostic option was just more fuck around wait and see ultrasound bloodwork bullshit which would lead to months and months of trial and error. There are of course risks to all of this, but Korben has been under anesthesia before and done just fine, and other than his complete unwillingness to eat and his elevated liver values, his blood work looks good, his energy and personality is still there, he completely got over his runny nose, and he hasn’t thrown up except for once a week ago which was before we stopped the antibiotics that obviously upset him so much he stopped eating or drinking and all he would do is drool and try to spit them out. Sigh. Poor guy. Fingers crossed though, because although we have now interacted with four separate very competent vets and numerous techs, nobody has ever given us an indication that Korben is unlikely to recover.

Other good things: I’ve now learned how to give IV fluids and injections! It really is super simple, as long as your cat is mellow like Korben and you have a second person to be another pair of hands. The needles are like the least troubling part. I love the immediate relief and comfort Korben exhibits when he gets fluids. I know myself how it feels to be terribly dehydrated and in pain and then get an IV, so it’s a great feeling being able to do that for my cat. Yesterday I gave him his third vitamin b12 injection (he is getting them weekly for now), and he didn’t care for it one bit but it was fine. So now, I’m confident that if anyone else I care for needs injection meds, I can give it to them! I am honestly shocked I’ve never helped a trans friend with their hrt or anything before this, but now if it ever comes up can be like “let me help! Just act like a cat!”

So. I am currently in the “ignore it until shit happens” phase where I’m trying to just project calming normal energy at Korben, who is currently sleeping in a sunbeam by an open window. Tomorrow morning he is going to be going through it, so keep him in your hearts and all that. And then afterwards will be the notable experience of gooshing puréed food in through a tube in his neck! Eeeek! Then it will be some time to get the cultures done, and then it will probably be over a month of antibiotics and other supportive meds. Egad! Fingers and toes and eyes all crossed.

Thanks @penaltykeks and a few other people who have checked in and asked how me and Korben are doing. I’ve just been sort of trying my best to engage with pleasant things online and not write out my worries because I’ve learned it doubles down on my rumination. BIG UPS to Zoloft, which REALLY FUCKING WORKS for me, I would basically be a pile of quivering useless bones and fat without it. As it is I am a quivering pile of bones and fat that can give IV fluids to my cat and call my mom and do the dishes. 😽🤞

#Korben the cat #medical stuff #emetophobia #surgery #lemme know if you need me to tag any of this kind of stuff!

[marblesouled]

tbh i still don't know. i do feel i'm losing my mind and life rn, one way or other. and it's really awful in a sense i don't know what or who to believe. i'm so easily influenced and obviously can't think clearly, because i'm out of it. my mind has taken me captive and the schizo there is giving out orders.

i both love and hate my new friend. some things he does and says bug me and i start to wonder if i'm doing the right thing by letting him influence me so strongly. because he really is a strong character whose word is truth. i'm more used to milder souls like my dear crush who take me the way i am and don't try to change me. but maybe i need to change? it's a super complicated situation for me and i'm scared of being broken by it all in the end. should i follow another crazy person? won't that dangerous mixture cause only more madness and chaos? why is madness's allure always so siren-like for me that i follow blindly leaving my past principles behind? i mean, it's fun to whirl with the thunder cloud, but you might get scorched by the lightning.

like yesterday, at first it seemed he was very compassionate towards my situation and told he really felt for me in my hour of trouble. but then the next moment he was telling me to go to work and start waking up with an alarm clock. when i had just told him i was getting insufficient sleep and i have very little energy to do anything at all, let alone think about such a thing as going to work. but he keeps pushing me to do stuff all the time for progress and checks up on me to confirm i've done these things or he gets angry. like last night he told me to train on my exercise bike every day and send him the time. this really irks me. like this constant mind control. i'm not sure i know who i am anymore or maybe i really have been one lazy piece of shit who needs to get better at every aspect of my life that has been ruled by my mental state. maybe i do need to control myself, be a normal person like everyone else. have i been using my depression and anxiety as an excuse? i really don't know anything and my mind is fucked!!

and it feels awful even complaining about it, because i feel he has helped me and we've made so many plans for future activities, like getting tattoos together! but honestly, his intensity and angriness frightens me sometimes. still, it really has been fun to do stuff with a person who is brave and willing to try everything. it's given me so much hope for the future, because i know noone else in my life who is like that. last night really was great! but it breaks my heart to think maybe my so-called social progress could be mere mania instead. then i'd be lost again and left depressed. is it my curse?? the schizoaffective disorder i'm suffering from? and am i really such a stupid hopeless case who could only cope with meds? because atm i still wish to continue tapering.

like i know if i told my sister everything about him, she would tell me immediately not to communicate with him any longer to protect myself. and that is also scary! i really don't know what to do, because everything is so fucked-up already. should i have believed him in the first place or stayed sceptical? i don't know what i believe in anymore and it hurts my poor brain. but i know when i meet up with him, i'm straight under his influence again and he'll continue to ask me for exercise and other proof. from a rational point of view, of course i realise it's a situation with blaring red flags, but then i think from the point of view of my madness and that this 'tough therapist/life coach' role he's taken is good for me, like he says. because we do to cool stuff and he makes me try things i've actually wanted to try, but haven't dared like asking a girl making firewood to let me saw a piece of wood last night. there's so much positivity and energy in him, he easily befriends strangers and knows how to converse with them. i really could learn from that. but... he has himself many times mentioned he's not right in the head and has been engaged in some dangerous behaviour i find a bit challenging to condone. or maybe i should just open my mind more? i freakin' don't know. i get a feeling my crush finds him too intense as well and now i'm sorry i invited him into our circle. will it all become a shit show? who or what should i trust in this? i certainly cannot lean on my mind.

#at my wits end #this situation is complicated but i always get myself into these troubles! #i never learn and then the overwhelming mad part of me takes over #others with more rational and healthy minds just have to watch me fall into doom #will i always be such a stupid child incapable of growing up? #what do i really need right now and what would help me forward? #heaven help i have no answers #madness #mania #diary

[frozenrose13]

interesting that yesterday was lots conversation about accepting where our limits are instead of constantly trying to fight against them and now today body has us chairstuck because of fucking sunday and my very not taking recovery from that seriously because, what crawling up a flight of stairs twice is too much? But no it is and this is part of accepting that, and also remembering the "months to years" conversation with dr

Also I shouldn't be discrediting us by saying the stairs was the only thing causing us symptoms because it wasn't just the stairs and I need to acknowledge that too

idk lots of brainwork past little while

we are functionally sober for the first time in...6?7? Years? so thats neat as much as it's adding extra degree of difficulty on all the body shit, but the work we put in earlier with therapy shit is helping make it not suck so bad.

im still very concerned I won't be able to go anymore even once the snow is gone. im putting a lot of effort in not being bedbound, entirely because i *will* go off the walls and still trying to figure out how to deal with that

tax return might mean laptop which will help with that. assuming I can find one that won't make us sick since we still don't know why sometimes screens Do That and we got lucky with the monitors on the desk computer set up

very amused at taking morning meds with energy drink XD

really hoping today goes okay, couple shitty days in a row and we're really feeling it : /

[phoenix-knight]

Femme Fury

I got my period yesterday and damn it,its soo fucking wet, uncomfortable and painful down there, I might murder someone. i just got over some really bad period cramps yesterday and after being incapacitated for half the whole damn day, I had to struggle for a fucking hour with mounting anxiety because my university conveniently decided they're gonna change all official mail to the one they assigned and not google. fuck do they have to make everything so goddamn complicated, like now I can't login to the official mail because I forgot the fucking password. i can't even- I mean, google keeps asking me to answer captchas and type in letters. like I am acting sus because I'm a bot or malware, for fuck's sake, I'm not a bot, I'm just stupid!!! I forgot the password and google won't even use my gmail as a recovery mail so I can reset the password. it says I have to contact the network admin instead. man, if my uni was uncooperative and tiresome enough to put me through this ordeal, what makes google think they're actually gonna help me with something like this? god I hate not knowing shit about anything while every possible password I have tried is wrong and I wanna throw my laptop. i wanted to wash my hair on the weekend, now I am on my period and too busy trying to survive one cramp to the next, too fucking tired to wash my hair now. so I am going to college tomorrow with greasy 4 day hair which is gonna continue until my period decides to spare me enough energy to let me maintain some basic dignity and hygiene. it does not make me feel any better that I am so fucking irritable, I might snap at someone or lose my shit if anything provokes me. is this how men feel everyday, limitless freedom to spite the world even though ur trash urself? god, I wish I could k1ll a few of those ungrateful fuckers. i am soooo tired. godddd. I am so grumpy. i don't want to do anything. maybe this is why there is so much rage inside me. maybe I was born with it. maybe all women are born with it in us. we are not afraid of blood, we see about a litre of it seep out of 7 days a month until menopause. blood is a regular occurrence. violence? been the victim of that in whatever way enough to know how to terrorize people. being treated as less than a human, a product, a piece of meat, an object, a sex toy, a vagina...? we have all been there, done that. we have pain inside us, we have been on the receiving end for all of history. it makes me wonder what would happen if all women turned their rage outside instead of turning it at themselves. its funny how we blame ourselves for everything and take responsibility for the bullshit men throw at us on a daily basis, while feeling insecure about the standards men have set in order to commercialize our insecurity. we were never the fucking problem. and we have to do more than wish for a solution, because this is our problem, and we have to make it their problem. its not a problem if it doesn't affect them, so lets make it affect them. lets tear down the structures and social constructs which benefit them from birth, lets put new meaning to the word feminism instead of the muddy polluted water it has become of the pseudos, lets have girls and boys and everyone else who identifies as women or any other gender start at the same place, with no boxes to tick, checklists to make or unnecessary shoes to fill. destroy the pedestals which make men look down at us with pity, while we scratch at each other to reach the top. reclaim the power which we know exists is all of us, whether we know it or not. we are more than the pain, we are more than our body, we are more than what men think of us, we are more than what men's perceptions of who we are and who we should be, we are more than their small minded one track tunnel vision picture of who a woman is, we are more than their fucked up version of what gender means, we are more than their disdain and disgust at our pain. destroy the constructs that allows them to chill on the sidelines while we fight, let make it their fucking problem because enough is fucking enough.

we all have had enough. i have had enough. UK what fuck you. i will not keep quiet and submit to your beauty standards, leering glances, sexual innuendo, and dirty words. i will not let you shrink me, I will take up space, enough space to make you wanna fight me. i will scream. loud and clear, confident and reliable. i do not need you to attest for my capability. i will stand with pride and you will take me or leave me. i will not bow down. i will not stop. i will not take your bullshit. i will speak boldly, and I will say whatever in the fucking hell I want. YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT, DUMBFUCKS.

SLAY. SERVE. SURVIVE.

#rant #spilled journal #inspirational quotes #cute quotes #life quotes #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #mental health #quote #motivational quotes #book quotes #cyber rants #women artists #queer community #queer women #queer woman of color #mental health recovery #radical feminism #feminist #intersectionality #intersectional feminism #fuck patriarchy

[multi-lefaiye]

ive been rotating what little i know about Alekto Cudaas in my mind since yesterday and would please like to hear More (no pressure tho)

thank you,,,, you are in luck because Alekto is the character in CUDAAS that i rotate around in my mind the most and at the highest velocity!! 9/10 times when i'm thinking about this story, i'm probably just thinking about Alekto in some way asdjfk;l

ok idk how long this gets,,, i'm so sorry nico u may have unleashed a Monster. so i'll type this up and if i need to i will put it under a cut <3

CW: implied/referenced physical abuse and discussion of romance!

anyway so! Alekto! my beloved!!!! they originally were, like. very much a background character i made to round out the world a bit, but then i thought more about the three character traits i gave them and went "wait there's actually something interesting here." so now they're one of the main POV characters. <3

okay i'm not quite sure how much i wanna ramble because this is still in pretty early development, but i'll share some Alekto Facts™ and elaborate on some things from the powerpoint.

so Alekto is a very gentle character for the most part. they've seen a LOT of violence and cruelty in their time, and they've had a lot of it directed at themself (even from other guardians in their original flock). so as a result they're loathe to show that same cruelty to anyone else, and they won't engage in violence unless absolutely necessary.

that doesn't mean they can't kick the shit out of someone if needed, though! Alekto is very small but very physically strong, and they've learned to use their magic (which is more defensive) to fight if they need.

'cause that's a thing i haven't really talked about much!!!! guardians each have some magic, and usually it differs from guardian to guardian and is highly specialized. wildlings have magic, too, but theirs isn't as specialized and not always unique to each wildling.

Alekto's magic specifically is that they can create shields out of pure energy, essentially little forcefields. and though that is a defensive power they've gotten creative and figured out how to use it in a fight to their advantage.

for example, like... i have this scene in mind with Alekto and Narkissos sparring, and their magic is meant to complement each other's (Narkissos can do essentially the same thing they can, but he makes blades instead of shields), which means they're uniquely able to counter each other in a way most can't. also Alekto is strong enough that they can just. pick Narkissos up and fucking throw her, despite her being a solid foot taller.

okay physical stuff aside, one thing i really like about Alekto is that they are deeply fascinated with life and the act of creation. to most guardians, creation is something reserved for the gods, so Alekto's love for art could, in a way, be considered an insult to their creator. and i think that could partly be why they like it--not because they view themself as a god or because they view the gods as inferior, but because they just love to create and breathe life into things in a metaphorical sense.

Alekto paints, draws, sculpts, weaves... they just love to make things!!! it's their favorite thing to do and it helps them relax and be happy more than anything else does. they don't usually share a lot of their creations, but they just like makin' em.

i have this idea of like... either as an AU or maybe something later in the series, but Alekto would love being an art teacher. just something to think about <3

okay this is a little long but uhhh the last thing i will talk a little about is Alekto's relationship with Hekate!!! because that's kinda what spurred this into an actual story.

SO yeah i'm not being subtle at all but Hekate and Alekto's relationship eventually becomes romantic as the story continues!!! but the romance isn't the reason why it's so important to me: it's important because it's the catalyst for both of them to change dramatically as people, and also because i just feel so Soft™ for them,,,,

Alekto and Hekate's relationship is defined primarily by acts of service and helping each other. it starts really small, but soon it becomes a huge theme with them. Alekto feels like their purpose in life is to be useful to others and help them, and they have a lot of issues letting others help them with anything or showing any kind of vulnerability, because in their old flock that would result in them being punished harshly. but then Hekate comes along, and over time he becomes the first person they open up to and show vulnerability around.

a lot of Alekto's character arc, aside from realizing how fucked up the system they exist in is and wanting to change it for the better, centers around them learning to be vulnerable and allow others to help them.

i do really want to write this one scene i've had in mind for a while that's just... Alekto saves Hekate, and as they're healing him he asks them teasingly, "When will it be my turn to help you?" and they don't have an answer for that </3 but it's a really important moment and a bit of a turning point,,,,

okay thank you sorry for how long this is, i just love Alekto with my whole heart <3

to wrap things up. here is a meme that sums up where i think Alekto's character arc is going after book one.

[Image Description: A screenshot of a question and answer from Yahoo Answers (?). The question reads: "Are you tired of being nice?" and the follow-up reads: "Don't you just want to go ape shitt" End ID.]

#talk to the bunnykitty #chaotic queer disaster #cudaas #thank you i love talking about alekto cudaas #alekto cudaas #yeah that's their tag for now ASDFJK;L #helekto #that's the tag for them and hekate <3 yeah

[usodeshou]

God, I just want this day to be over.

We usually have a Christmas thing at my mother's on Christmas Eve and then another one on the 25th at my father's (and then we're at our mother's again on the 26th but that's just for food, the presents are exchanged during both of the initial get-togethers).

It's been like this forever but this year we're having the one at my father's on the 23rd (= today) instead. I hate it. Nothing about that is rational. I know that, logically speaking, the actual event will play out the same as it would on the 25th, the only difference is that it's 2 days early this year so that everybody can make it, which is great! And I hate it. I don't want to exchange presents today, it's not Christmas yet and I'm being a whiny baby about it internally while also judging myself real hard for it because way to create drama for yourself, congrats.

I just found out that at least my present for my dad is gonna arrive in the mail today after all and there's a possibility that it's gonna be here before I have to leave, which is something at least, so fingers crossed. It was supposed to be here yesterday at the very latest but this is the busiest time of the year so I should be glad if I do end up getting it in time at all.

My brother's present is the only one I actually have here.

His wife asked for a gift card for a specific brand this year and I thought this would be the least stressful present because, hey, virtual gift card, easy, right? Right?? Wrong. I had a goddamn anxiety attack last night over the fact that they hadn't shipped (to my e-mail account) yet and the order status what confusing at best (I wanna have words with the person who designed their website because wtaf, but anyway), and I eventually got so stressed about it that I spiralled, only to wake up today to an e-mail telling me that my order was cancelled and I'm just- 😮‍💨 Really. Really? Literally how? I am so used to this shit being automated and shipping quickly that I am genuinely baffled by how long it took to get cancelled in the first place, never mind the fact that it *being* cancelled makes no fucking sense. This is a large brand name, you'd think this would actually work well.

It also means I now have no present for her today. I don't have the energy to try and order this again because even if I did it would likely not arrive today (and chances are it would just get cancelled again tomorrow and I don't have it in me to do this again).

I'mma just have to tell her and explain. I might have to just make a physical gift card that is a random card in an envelope with money in it or something. I could make it cute. I am all out of energy. Nothing about this is fun. I've been stressing out over these goddamn presents for too long now. It's the same every year, I don't even know why I'm surprised. I waited way, way too long to get started on them as always, like a dumdum, so the fact that I have no time left to sort this out is entirely on me, and I'm just so very tired.

I can't wait for it to be the 25th, where I will get to stay at home with my dog all day and all of this will be over. Maybe I'll even indulge and take a goddamn bath or something. I'm just looking forward to not running around in full anxiety mode anymore. This is fucking ridiculous.

#I just need to properly whine about this for a bit and get it out of my system so that I can actually figure out what to do later #I'm not there yet though #I'mma go cuddle my dog #I just know this will all feel overly dramatic in two days' time #maybe tomorrow even #if not tonight #but right now my stress levels are through the roof lol #just me rambling

[shrek-5]

dispatch from emonight

Pop punk is characteristically high energy. there were people somehow thrashing around to like 150bpm for 3 hours nonstop. therefore i have resolved: I NEED TO WORK OUT MORE SO I CAN GO HARDER AND LONGER IN THE PIT. When people fell down (inevitably, with the shoving) people created space around and helped them up which was wholesome. But phones and glasses and things fell too and got trampled and lost (rly glad i decided to wear contacts).

Threw my bag at _____ (sorry and thank you _____) whenever an MCR song came on and fucking dived into the goddamn mosh pit, which – contrary to a largely female and adolescent demographic many picture of the band’s fanbase – was composed solely of built and/or YP-looking dudes in muscle tanks (many of which were also MCR themed) roughhousing, all the while still belting “I DON’T LOVE YOU LIKE I DID YESTERDAY”. I got punched in the face several times. 11/10 experience. friends will be familiar with my oft-expressed desire to beat people up (please don't report me i don't act on it), hostility, and general socioemotional dysregulation stemming from childhood trauma. ___ said clubs are one of the few places you can actually let loose in this conservative country. she might not have been talking about moshpits, but they're spaces, outlets of sanctioned and even encouraged violence. i didn't know i needed that; the thrill, the understandings between strangers, the collective release. chaos can be a love language

The last song closing the night was of course the genre-defining Welcome To The Black Parade. At the ending of the intro, the pit hollowed out as the mainstay moshers formed a ring, a fighting ring, stanced up towards each other, counting down to the moment the song would ramp up into verse, the moment they would fling themselves toward the centre in a frenzy of testosterone and eyeliner. And when it happened all hell broke loose and us with limbs flailing and heads butting melded into a mass of angst incarnate. Even as equipment got knocked down and audio got cut off the whole room still kept singing, “WE’LL CARRY ON!"

It was like a religious experience. Being crushed in a sea of bodies, random 2000s videogame montages flashing up on the screen a la subway surfer overstimulation tiktoks, I forgot who I was. In the moment all that mattered was the song, the power it had, connecting me to these strangers around me, the collective catharsis. God it was beautiful. This is what it means to be alive

and i've barely even seen anything, in conservative singapore. this shit must get exponentially wilder with drugs. I NEED to experience that

cardio in boots and baggy pants and a buzzcut… it may be pride month but im standing in solidarity with the most oppressed group of all, chao recroots. but instead of serving the army i'm serving cunt

lyrics i remember yelling the hardest:

when you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see / you can find out firsthand what it’s like to be me

i’m watching you two from the closet / wishing to be the friction in your jeans

what a shame the poor groom's bride is a WHORE / i chimed in with a, 'haven't you people ever heard of / closing the god damn door'

AFI (like Miss Murder lole)

wear comfy sports shoes not boots

actually i was soaked in sweat i see why people wear v little clothing. alot of movement and it’s surprisingly all non-sexual and non-gropey

drink red bull

! Make arrangements in advance for what to do after shit ends at 3am and there's no public transport. like schedule a cab or ask to hitch a ride and sleep over at someone’s house

#my stuff

[keefwho]

May 15 - 2023

8:18 AM

I’m catching myself thinking about irrational things and falling into old habits. Right now I feel stressed and unsafe. I never know the status of my sister’s health because she fakes being sick a lot. This is making it hard to get out because if she were sick then I don’t want contact with anyone in the household. So even if it’s a false alarm, I have to treat it like it’s real and it’s limiting my ability to get out and go to town like I want to. But the whole situation is starting to feel like something I need to get over. Like I need to stop questioning what her health is like before I do anything, knowing that it’s very likely that nothing is wrong with her. I also have to trust my parents to tell me if she actually seems sick but I can’t rely on them to do that since they keep failing to do it. 

Other than that I’m deep in the belief that I’m a loser today. Like nothing should go right for me and that no one should love me. Partly because of how bad my issues seem. Sometimes I feel like I’m seen as the really weird and fucked up guy, unable to do even basic things without micromanaging and freaking out. And maybe it’s true. I don’t feel good about it. 

There’s just way too much to try to improve on. I try to come up with something to do that will improve my situation but I go down a rabbit hole of tracking down the core of the issues and it just keeps going. There are way too many way I could do better because I’m that fucked up. I never know where to start. 

12:25 PM

I don’t know what is wrong with my stomach yesterday and today. I don’t even know if I should be trying to figure it out. Either way I have to accept the pain and try not to let it get in the way of my life. Yesterday I assumed it was because I was sort of dehydrated from the drinking night before. This morning my weight implied I might be really constipated even though I didn’t think I should have been. All I can do it push through whatever it is. 

3:57 PM

Tummy feels better after blowing myself hard to some degenerate humiliating scenarios.

I came here to write about dumb shit. Things I write and think “Why am I even writing about this? NO ONE cares.” But the point is that I should care. I struggle to let myself out these days and doing it here is a safe way to do it. And the only place I can write about mundane things that wouldn’t be worth actually telling anyone. 

I had a theory that the frozen onions I had might have been upsetting my stomach, because they are what I used in the rice a roni I’d make with lentils. It would seem to upset my stomach and I thought it was the beans but it only did in the past couple of times and those are the only time I added the frozen onions. The thing with my frozen veggies is that they could be VERY old. Not that they should spoil in the freezer but surely they’d degrade in some way and maybe to the point that my body doesn’t agree with them anymore. I never had a way to even estimate the date of the onions but I also have some frozen bell peppers that I know have to be ancient because I haven’t bought bell peppers to chop in a very very long time. So now I’m throwing out all those things and from now on I’ll start marking the bags with a date and actually use them instead of hoarding them like I do. Same goes for anything else I freeze. 

I was disoriented for awhile but now I’m making lunch and I’ll do the request I gotta do and maybe a project too. But I’m trying not to put pressure on myself. Truly all I want is to take it easy and if that means taking personal things off my schedule then so be it. Things like projects or cleaning when everything is already clean or working out are ultimately optional. Missing commissions is a big deal, but these other things have little impact. They are just for personal growth and sometimes I don’t have the energy for that. 

[frogsandfries]

I'm not crying

I'm hormonal and exhausted and my test results came back normal for where I should be in my period 😭😭😭

I shouldn't be surprised, but there's so much that can go wrong--like, I'm still kind of surprised my actual organs look good. Which indicates that, for whatever reason, I'm just not producing proper hormones in my own, but then, why? Where are the systems failing? What needs to be charged up?

But I'm thinking, if we try really hard this cycle, we should see some results. I will take any results. Chemical pregnancy, miscarriage--that's about as far as I'm ready to assume.

If snake-eyes, then we reeeaaaalllllyyy seriously need to look at the other contributing party. At whom I am presently very strongly...... not in a good mood with.

Not to air my dirty laundry, but I've been trying to gather my words about it--this coming from the brain that could not remember my date of birth yesterday. The words are something like this: I'm not pleased that my partner is talking to this other person by phone at whatever-the-fuck o'clock, while I'm sleeping. Like, you want it to be not-cheating? That's booty-call hours and blatantly behind my back and I'm allowed to be pissed off about that.

I'm also mad because my partner doesn't give a shit about maintaining our home. The chores pile up because I don't have the time and energy for them and I'm busy working--I shouldn't have to do all the housework. Like, fucking do something around here!! If you don't want to be here......... leave. I'll just buy some sperm on my own.

It's like, it doesn't feel right that my partner is fucking around instead of helping me maintain our home. And I've told them, I've repeated myself over and over: A trick I use personally is, I don't have to do the whole thing right now. Picking at it, little by little, is fine, it's great. It is actually better than not doing it at all.

My standards are NOT too high. They are not high at all. It's not like I need the walls mopped weekly or to bleach everything. We've never actually vacuumed this carpet and we've been here for two years. That's how low my standards are. Plus, fuck this carpet. I did not ask for this shit. Ew.

Like, paying the bills is the easy part. I'm here earning the money to pay the bills. And I'm still expected to manage the household, but I'm not respected for maintaining that role. That role is only meaningful if, when I tell you "the dishes need to be done", they fucking get done.

I mean, I've thought and considered often, maybe it would be better off this relationship was formally, officially dissolved. I don't need to go find another sexual partner. I just want to start my family and get on with my life. I've been prepared to be a single parent. At this rate, it doesn't matter that there's another adult in the household, I'm going to be a single parent any-fucking-way. I can already see, I'm not getting help with feeding or diapers or laundry or dishes.

That's what I'm pissed off about. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm really tired of begging for chores to get done by people who aren't presently going to a money-job and aren't doing much else throughout the day, but are contributing to the messes.

I have actually even lowered my acceptable thresholds when it comes to cleanliness, but I am not being met halfway.

I just am not seeing how adding another party into this is a bigger priority than fixing what exists already. If you add another atom to an unstable molecule, sometimes it stabilizes.

More often, there's some kind of reaction and atoms are lost or ejected first. Then stabilization happens.

That's what I'm pissed off about.

It has been eating at me, but sleep deprivation is making it extremely hard to shove down anymore.

I deserve more than an emotionally good relationship between two people at the exclusion of life-stuff. I need someone who can do the life-stuff.

[truc0nfessionz]

i feel really depressed today

i feel emotional. drained. empty. craving.

it's weird. i have the most perfect life, the life i always dreamed about, but somedays like today i'm really sad.

today, i feel lonely. my girlfriend is in san antonio today (where she lives) and the absence without her seems massive.

yesterday, we got in a disagreement unexpectedly.

and for those 2 reasons, i can't help but wonder if i'm putting too much into this.

i can't help but wonder if maybe i should keep more to myself.

i used to be a person with hobbies. a girl with goals, a vision, things to do.

and suddenly, i'm feeling like a lady in waiting.

when she's here, i'm great. i'm 1000%. i'm on my shit. but when she's gone, it's really hard to bear.

i feel empty. i feel lonely. i feel sad.

all i want is to be with her, and i feel like that might not be a good thing.

am i losing who i am?

what about me? the things i want, crave, and dream of?

i need to get back to being who i am - being a creative, being a nurturer, being a pioneer. i want to feel deeply connected to my being, instead of what's outside of it.

also, i can't help but feel pain about the fact that avia is continuously trying to reach out to me to speak. honestly, there's nothing that she could say that would posses me to hear her out. I completely understand that she was in a bad state of mind when she attacked me, and also, i'm not willing to put myself back into that situation when i don't think she's in a better state of mind now. honestly, i don't care whether she is or not.

she's basically lauren. she won't take my silence as an answer and wants to continuously push on other avenues to get me to engage in some way.

but for avia specifically, i will adamantly decline to participate, whether she's healed or not. the truth is, i did NOTHING but help this person. so i don't have space for them to tell me how 'terrible' it was to have been given a fucking shot in your career that you didn't deserve. i'm good. she can tell that to her therapist.

i am grateful to the universe for always removing the toxic people from around me that don't need to be there. as much as i want to scream obscenities about avia and wish her unwell, i'll let the universe take care of that for me. the truth is, i hope she gets exactly what she deserves. i hope that the energy she's spent pursuing and harassing me is returned to her in the way that the universe determines appropriate. and most of all, like everyone else who's ever harmed me, i hope she learns. i hope she figures out that when you spread hate in this world you will always lose. and i hope she relearns that lesson as many times as necessary for her journey.

i'm pained that even though i do my damndest to only give pure energy - to only give love and light - that i still find myself being taken advantage of and attacked by others. that hurts my soul because i know i don't deserve this. i wasted precious energy on these people, and they tried to drag me down to hell.

but i am thankful for the lessons i've learned on them. i don't owe anyone a second chance, a third chance, or a 33rd chance (in lauren's case). i determine when you've had enough of my energy, and for these two narcissistic, sociopathic drama queens - truly, i've given enough.

the energy these people contribute is evil. it's out of flow with the universe and it's energy i don't have time to absorb or entertain. i wish them the best, and i wish to never see or interact with them in any way again.

i also manifest purpose. i seek the signs of guidance from the universe. i wonder deeply if i'm on the right path, and maintain faith that if i weren't, i would feel it and i would know.

yesterday, ivy and i disagreed about threesomes. honestly, i was instantly defensive because it felt like B all over again. this is an experience i've never in my life had, and as i said out loud yesterday, agreeing to be with ivy means that i know i will never have it.

i told her i'm okay with that. and i'm fairly certain that it's true.

but do i wonder if someday i'll wonder? i really do. i wonder that a lot.

i understand ivy's perspective fully - she only wants me to want her, and i do. but i wonder if someday i may want to explore something new, and she is adamantly against that occurring.

and on the other hand, i'm also irritated by ivy's sudden interest in hanging out with her classmates - half of which (LITERALLY HALF) have a fucking crush on her. now they're doing lunches and the movies and shit. like, oh sorry, i didn't realize that suddenly these random 19 year old girls were so important that you're considering reducing your time with me to hang out with them....

yeah, not sure if i'm cool with that.

and finally, my sister really irked the shit out of me this weekend. she agreed to watch my dog, then proceeded to NOT pick up my dog's food and instead feed her some random shit all weekend. which is fine, except for the fact that I AM THE ONE who would have to deal with the dog having an upset stomach after the fact.

literally, she would never do that to anyone else's dog, and i feel majorly disrespected that she would pull that with mine.

i feel fucking taken advantage of on all of these fronts. i know i don't deserve any of this energy, and i want to fight against the slightest notion that i'll accept any of it.

and so, while i'll always carry a torch of light, love and growth - i won't be fucked with this year. i will adamantly decline to participate in spaces that don't have my best interest at heart. and i can't take anything less than that, because i don't deserve it.

weirdly, i had flashbacks about aziza today. i guess this is around the time where our situationship was pretty intense last year. i haven't envisioned her mind so clearly in my face in such a long time. it almost, for a moment, made me miss her.

and while our ending was bullshit, i truly and sincerely hope she's doing well. i hope she learned something from our encounter. somedays, i still wonder about the lesson i learned from her. but i don't dwell on whether or not i should have done so. that would be counterproductive.

but damn, all these little pains in the past few years sometimes feel like they compound down on me at once. how could so many people look at my face, feel my energy and proceed to give me their worst? what did i do in each encounter to deserve this treatment?

if i'm honest, that shit with aziza and with shawn hurt a lot. and obviously, i still have massive pain over B. massive, massive, massive.

i know that the best revenge you can possibly give is to have a fantastic life without someone, but damn, sometimes i want something more satisfying than that.

sometimes, i want to hurt these people the way they hurt me. but i know in my heart it wouldn't make me feel better. i'm not like them, and that's my gift. their curse is that they'll always be themselves, with this energy to give.

please lord and universe, give peace to my heart. show me the signs of where i should be. and support my success in each endeavor i undertake.

#self check #5.1.23

[unheardalonefucker]

She went away for the night and I really missed her. I was excited for her to come home. As soon as she got back she was aggressive. I can’t really put words to how she treats me but I’m gonna try. The way she speaks to me makes me feel like she blames me for everything. It’s very hot here and we don’t have a/c, I’ve been trying to keep our pets cool but it’s hard, I’m alone and fighting off a killer two day migraine. She immediately became aggressive with me, pointing out how they were hot and I should do more to help. She’s telling me this while I’m on my hands and knees cleaning up after the pets. She talks over me, barely let’s me suggest anything. She tries to finish my sentences when I’m making suggestions and never ever gets it right. I wish she’d just let me explain my ideas without trying to say it before I do. I am doing my best here. I have chronic migraines, autism, depression, ptsd, an undiagnosed autoimmune disease (dr said I have indications of one and I’m waiting on a specialist appointment), yesterday I really had to over extend myself, and I’ve been alone and dealing with my mother and family and it’s fucking hard. She has no sympathy for my struggles. I’m not a very emotive person. I try very hard to keep my intense emotions inside. Most people act like that means I have no emotions. It bothers me especially coming from her. I don’t understand how it’s my fault that it’s hot. I understand that life is incredibly stressful for her rn but that does not give her permission to be rude to me. I love our pets and I try my best to keep them safe, happy, clean, and healthy. Any time there’s a slight problem with them she lashes out at me. Maybe it’s because I spend all day here with them but it isn’t my fault. It’s not my fault that one of our pets got sick and died. I noticed right away he had indications and we did everything we could but I think she blames me. I don’t understand why she’s constantly feeling like it’s her vs me instead of us vs the world like I do. She’s my partner. Even if I think she’s at fault for something going wrong, it doesn’t help to say it/treat her like it. I do my best to be supportive and loving and I try to make her feel like we’re a team. I know I haven’t always been the best boyfriend but I’m trying. I wish I could go back and smack myself for being such a piece of shit but I can’t so I’m really working hard to be a different person. I’ve changed so much but not in her eyes. I feel like she doesn’t see me as who I am now. I feel like she’s made up her mind about who I am and how I am and refuses to let that go. She doesn’t adjust her viewpoint no matter how many times I prove it wrong. I wish she had faith in me. I wish she’d notice my efforts. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells constantly. Our positions have flipped. I used to be the aggressive one and she was the one walking on eggshells but now I feel like she wants to get aggressive with me first before I can be aggressive with her. She can’t accept that I’m NOT going to be aggressive with her at all. I’m so broken down and defeated right now. I was so excited for her to be back and immediately it went away. I feel like a child who just got an ice cream cone and immediately dropped it on the pavement. I wish she tried to see me for who I am rather than who I was. My view point of her has changed so much and I really appreciate who and how she is and I just want to love her and build a life with her. But it feels like all I am to her is someone to blame.

She just called me as I’m typing this. Once again, she’s aggressive. She asks me what I want for dinner. I make a suggestion based off ingredients we have at home. She gets upset and tells me she doesn’t have time for that dish. I tell her to just grab whatever’s easiest then. She was audibly annoyed as we ended our call. Why ask me what I want if you’re just gonna get upset?? If you don’t have the energy to make food with multiple steps then why even bother asking what I want? Does she just want a reason to get mad at me? Does she just see me as a sham-wow for her anger? Is she doing this to get back at me for being a crappy boyfriend before getting help? I don’t understand. I’ve receded into myself a lot recently. I’m constantly just trying to be as quiet, unobtrusive, and agreeable as possible. I don’t address my concerns about my boundaries. I don’t call her out when she treats me poorly. I’m trying so hard to make things easier and all she does is blame me for things being hard. I just want to feel like someone loves me instead of tolerating my presence. Apparently that’s just too much to ask. maybe I just don’t deserve it.

[some-messed-up-writing-for-you]

Continuation of Request #14?

Request #23

Warning: mentions of past rape, beliefs of oneself being unlovable/unwanted.

Honestly, at first, I wasn't sure where to go with this, but I ultimately gave it a wholesome(?) ending that I'm satisfied with. (Of course, If y'all want another continuation, I'm down to write more in the future.)

Enjoy!

Part 1

~~~~

Welp...

It was morning now.

...

A sigh left Villain's lips as they lay freshly awake in their bed, staring at the ceiling. They had to go and deal with Hero, even though they really didn't want to. They were still rather puzzled about what had happened yesterday. Why the hell...? Did Hero actually enjoy...?

Shaking their head to clear their thoughts, the villain lifted themself with a slight groan and dragged themself out of bed. Now, first things first, they were in dire need of a shower. Their nemesis' unexpected late-night visit had drained what little energy they had at the time, so they had just collapsed into bed as they were, all sweaty and gross.

Entering the bathroom and turning on the water, Villain freed themself of their clothing and hopped right in. As they rubbed shampoo into their greasy hair, they pondered how they should deal with this situation. On the one hand, they could probably use this to their advantage. They could make an arrangement of sorts. Hero gets what they want as long as they follow Villain's orders.

Lightly chuckling, they imagined the looks on their nemesis' teammates' faces as they realized the hero had betrayed them. And only to fulfill some fucked up fantasy of theirs, too.

But on the other hand, this was super weird, and the villain probably shouldn't indulge Hero. This could get out of hand very fast. After all, the hero had already snuck back into Villain's base; who knows what they might do next to get what they're after.

With another sigh, they turned off the water, grabbed a towel, and went to get dressed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hero sat in the corner of their cell. Their arms had gotten tied behind their back, and the familiar power-suppressing collar was back on their neck. They weren't sure why they had come back. I mean, they knew why they came back, but they also... didn't.

It was such a stupid idea. Of course, Villain would freak out! Why the hell did the hero think they would react any other way?! What was wrong with them? Why did- Why did Hero enjoy being used like that...?

Were they into all that shit, or were they just... really that desperate for contact?

...

Hero couldn't deny that they did, in fact, enjoy being at the villain's mercy, but... physical contact was still their main desire. Even during their fights, they often let themself get pinned down, just so that they could be close to someone, even if only for a short moment. And Villain... Villain just happened to be the one person who willingly got closer to them...

...

Maybe they were just sick in the head... People probably avoided them for a reason... Villain didn't care about them; they were enemies after all. They only got close to the hero because they were fighting. It made sense, didn't it...? It made sense that Hero was unwanted-

The door suddenly creaked open, and light flooded the small room, blinding the hero for a moment. They blinked their eyes a couple of times to adjust, and once they did, their gaze met with the dark form of their nemesis.

With their arms crossed and a stern calculating look on their face, the villain stood before them, looking down at them. Hero fidgeted nervously under their stare and eventually looked away, head hanging low in their shame. The sigh that left Villain only made them curl in on themself more.

"Hero." - the criminal started, mentally preparing for one hell of a ride. "Why did you come back? I mean, you told me why, but- but why?"

Silence was all they received as an answer, and it honestly got on their nerves a bit. Hero fucking breaks back into their base and then doesn't even want to talk? Fine. They would do this a different way then.

Villain's footsteps echoed through the cell as they approached the quiet hero whose face still turned away from them. As they knelt down, they grabbed the other's chin and forced them to turn their head. The villain noticed the way Hero shivered from their touch and had expected them to try and pull away in fright, but instead, they leaned into it, albeit a bit hesitantly.

With how cold it was in the room, the villain could easily feel how hot the captured's face burned. As their eyes met, the hero looked embarrassed and like they seriously didn't want to be here right now. The sight just made Villain's blood boil even more.

"Why so hesitant all of a sudden, Hero? You were so eager earlier." - the villain spat out angrily, their nemesis' indecisiveness irritating them. Just what the hell did they want?

Hero tried to stutter out an answer. They wanted to explain themself, they really did! But all they managed to say was a quiet "I-I'm sorry..." as tears slowly gathered in their eyes.

"You're sorry?" - Villain pressed, demanding a better answer.

Tensing up as their stomach twisted in their stress, they tried to explain again, voice meek as they admitted, "I- I was just... lonely..."

Their captor was quiet for a moment, studying their face. Trying to figure the other out, they eventually asked, "You let me rape you because you were lonely?"

"Um... Well... when you... put it that way... I... um..." - the hero mumbled, their gaze darting all over Villain's face, avoiding their eyes, too afraid to look into them.

The villain was silent again, slowly catching onto what Hero's deal was. The way the other's eyes were moving all around was annoying, so they decided to test something. Using their free hand, Villain softly cradled the hero's face, making them freeze, their gaze locked on the new point of contact. The criminal's touch slowly glided to the back of Hero's head, making them shudder as their hand tangled itself in the captured's hair.

The hero's eyes looked off to the side, trying to ignore the new feeling, but Villain brought them back to attention as they suddenly gripped Hero's messy locks and roughly pulled, getting a yelp out of them. They shivered as the villain forced their faces closer and ordered, "Look me in the eyes, or I'm leaving."

With a small whine, Hero's eyes immediately snapped to Villain's own.

"Bingo." - the criminal thought as they loosened their grip on the other's hair and instead tenderly began to massage their scalp.

As another whimper crawled out of the hero's throat, they pleaded meekly, "S-Stop... Y-You- You d-don't-"

"You're touch starved." - Villain said, matter-of-factly, anger disappearing as their expression turned more neutral as Hero's tears started to flow down their face. "You let me hurt you because it meant I would touch you."

"I- I- I'm-" - the hero tried to deny their nemesis' words but ultimately failed as they broke down into sobs, still looking into the other's eyes, not wanting them to pull away.

The villain paused in their petting and instead cradled Hero's face with both their hands, the hero inhaling shakily at the feeling. As they hiccuped and sniffled, Villain continued their conversation.

"I admit, seeing you under me is fun, but you seriously need some help." - the criminal watched as Hero only cried more, still desperately keeping eye contact. They really needed help. I mean, to just let themself get raped? They could've just told Villain what they wanted, and they would've let them go!

And yeah, sure, the villain wasn't the best for doing that to them in the first place either, but they only did it because it was Hero. Raping some random person is of no interest to Villain, but the hero? They knew what they were signing up for when they picked this job, so the villain didn't mind being ruthless to them.

But still... this was... honestly just sad. Did Hero genuinely have no one who cared about them? Villain supposed they had fans, but that wasn't really the same thing. Someone liking them as a hero is a lot different than someone loving them as a person.

...

Did... Villain like them?

...

They didn't exactly hate them, but were they interested in the other like that?

...

Well, they did tell their henchmen to put Hero in that... revealing outfit...

It was mostly just to humiliate the hero, but...

...

Shit.

...

With a small sigh, they made their decision and continued talking from earlier. "And I'm gonna be the one to get you that help, 'cause God knows you won't get it yourself."

"W-Wha...?" - Hero's confusion made them pause their crying. What- What did Villain...

"W-What do y-you mean?"

"You're staying with me."

Hero's chest fluttered at that. Villain... wasn't going to push them away?

"R-Really...?" - the hero asked uncertainly, doubt still gripping at their heart.

With a smile that melted their worries away, the villain answered, "Yes, really. We'll get some oxytocin going in that brain of yours." They gave Hero's forehead a gentle boop for emphasis, and the hero found it oddly comforting.

"Also, we're getting you a therapist." - Villain added, more seriously this time. "And... you know what? Fuck it. I'm getting myself a therapist too. Got some shit of my own to deal with..."

In a slightly better mood, Hero playfully asked, "B-By 'get' do you mean you'll literally g-go and grab some therapists?"

The villain snorted in reply, and as they pulled the hero to their feet, they said, "For you? I'd kidnap a therapist any day, darling~."

The blush on Hero's face only worsened at the nickname, but they still found themself smiling, a bit giddy. As Villain undid their restraints, they rubbed at their wrists and neck, shyly looking to the other. "S-So, what now?"

"Now, we're going to go and have breakfast." - the villain answered, offering the hero their arm, which they flusteredly took as their stomach grumbled and as Villain grinned at them endearingly.

As the two of them walked, they talked about how exactly to proceed from here. Neither of them was of a very... healthy mindset, and such, this relationship probably wasn't the healthiest one out there. But... that was fine. They would get there someday.

If no one else would help them, then they would help each other.

#hero x villain #villain x hero #writing #writeblr #hero #villain #short story #prompt #writing prompt #request #request prompts #prompt request #hero x villain community #writing community

[maddiwrites]

Let Me Go

Pairing: JJ x Reader

Summary: This was requested! Y/N still lives with the Cameron’s following the death of her brother, but she’s being held there against her will. After many failed escape attempts, Y/N finally gets out of Figure Eight, but she’s far from safe. (The request was long so I’m going to link it here so you can see the full summary of what anon wanted!)

Note: I’m sorry this took so long to get out!!! I literally had half of it written and then it all deleted and I’m so upset because my first attempt at writing it was better but oh well. I hope you like it. Again, sorry for the long wait!

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: MENTIONS OF DRUG ABUSE, CHILD NEGLECT, GUN VIOLENCE, ATTEMPTED SUICIDE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF ANY OF THESE TOPICS TRIGGER YOU. PLEASE. SUICIDE HOTLINE: [phone]

Masterlist

You weren’t always like this - sitting up in your unmade bed, staring at the blank wall in front of you like you could see through it, unshowered, trembling from your shoulders down to your toes, feeling empty from the inside out. 

You forget what it’s like to be free. Following the death of your brother, you’ve been trapped like a rat in a cage. Figure Eight is no longer the luxurious part of the island to you. It’s filled with lies, manipulation, secrets, murder. 

You’re still living at the Cameron’s. No, not living. Surviving. Ward refused to give his guardianship of you up. Some people wondered why - why would Ward want to live with the sister of a murderer? Yeah, that’s what they thought - that your brother killed Sheriff Peterkin and tried to kill Ward too. But you knew why.

Ward no longer treats you like a member of his family. He has you locked in your designated room on the third floor that’s basically only used as an attic and storage area. Your own personal prison. Because you know what he did - not only to your brother and his daughter but to your dad. 

You felt like you were losing grasps of reality. You only knew fall was approaching because you could hear Wheezy talking about it to Rose outside your door. You guess the time of day by the sunlight through your window and the meals brought to your room. 

Of course there have been times you tried to escape. You managed to run away a few times. The first time, you went straight to the police station and tried telling them that Ward was keeping you trapped in his home. Of course they didn’t believe you. Instead, they called Ward to come pick you up. He told the police that you’ve been experiencing delusions since the death of your brother. Without a second thought, they believed him and ignored your cries for help completely. The second time, you tried going to Kie’s, but the police found you first and brought you back to Ward’s now that they think you’re going through some kind of mental breakdown. 

By now, you’re exhausted. You’re tired of fighting and arguing and screaming. You feel empty inside, craving some sort of release or embrace of comfort. You haven’t seen your Pogues in weeks, maybe months. You wonder if they still think about you. Do they blame you for leaving John B to go off by himself with Sarah? Do they hate you?

Not only is living inside an enclosed box hard enough, but dealing with the loss of your brother, friend, and father, is killing you inside. You can’t help but feel guilty that you weren’t with them. You and your brother were supposed to be partners in crime and you totally let him go off on his own. You feel like you abandoned him and that keeps you up at night. 

Since your ways of coping are limited, you’re not proud to say you found an unhealthy way of relieving your pain. 

When you were first locked up, you would scream and kick the door that hid you from the rest of the world, begging for anyone in the house to let you go. Never did it work, but one time Rafe got extremely fed up and raced upstairs to make you shut up. You didn’t know it, but Rafe was on the verge of a breakdown himself. His dad complete shut him out as he tried to fix the damage he caused. He assumed Sarah was dead. And Barry basically owned him, making him do all his dirty work. Maybe he deserved it, but he didn’t live a luxurious life either despite living in Figure Eight.

You took a couple steps back when you heard heavy footsteps approaching your door. Rafe quickly undid the locks and barged in so fast that he almost knocked you down. 

“Oh my god. Do you ever shut the fuck up?” Rafe was breathing hard and quickly getting red in the face. You stumbled backwards, suddenly afraid of being alone with him. 

You sniffled. “I need to get out of here.”

“You’re not leaving.”

“Please, Rafe. You got to get me out of here. Please!” You never thought you’d be here, begging Rafe of all people for help. Yet here you were. With no other choices left.

Rafe paced the room and raked his fingers through his hair. “You do realize you're not the only one going through something, right?”

You swallowed back your tears and scoffed at the Kook in front of you. “Seriously? Your family is keeping me locked in here like some kind of zoo animal! My brother is dead -”

“Sarah is too!”

“But that’s not my fault!” You screamed. You pointed an accusatory finger in his direction. “That’s yours!” Rafe froze and turned to look at you. You didn’t know where you grew the balls to keep going but you did. “I know what you did. I know what your dad is trying to cover up. And he’s using my brother to do it.” You saw Rafe’s adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed. “Why do you think your dad is keeping me locked in here?”

“Shit,” Rafe cursed. Now he knew why his dad gave him strict instructions to never come up to your room. He started shaking his his head and shaking in his skin. “I didn’t mean to - I - I - it happened so fast.”

You could go on and on about how Rafe would never be able to dig himself out of this hole. How he will never be able to convince you that he wasn’t guilty. But you didn’t. Because he’s the only one who could help you.

“Rafe, please,” You begged. “I won’t say anything. I just need to get out of here.”

Rafe sniffled back his own tears and fears and looked out the one window that looked out into the backyard of his home. He couldn’t let you go. He knew it was selfish, but he had to save himself. 

“I can’t,” Rafe said.

A new wave of tears hit you and you felt defeated. You fell back on your bed and cried into your hands, hunched over above your knees. 

“I’m sorry,” Rafe said, but his apology was as empty as you feel. 

“Just go,” You rubbed your eyes hard enough to see stars. 

You hear something light hit the bed next to you. “I know it’s not much. But this helps me get through all this messed up shit.”

When you didn’t look at him or whatever he gave you, he took that as a hint to leave and quietly left the room. You listened to each lock being fastened again, each one leaving a crack in your heart. 

Rafe offered you something you should have never taken. A small baggie filled with fine white powder. You should have never even considered it. Drugs were never your thing. You wouldn’t even smoke with JJ when he offered a hit of whatever he was smoking. But the idea of anything taking your pain away enticed you.

And that’s how you ended up here. Broken, alone, and craving something only Rafe could supply you with. Literally. He came around every so often, sliding a small baggie under the door for you. It was the closest thing you and Rafe had to a friendship. 

Today was particularly a bad day. It was dark and rainy outside and you remembered John B’s birthday should be quickly approaching. You missed him. God, did you miss him. You would do anything to hear his voice again or steal his clothes or go surfing in the ocean with him. 

You trudged out of bed towards your dresser that held a faint line of coke left over from yesterday. With a one dollar bill, you sniffed the rest of it up your nose and blinked back the sting of tears that pricked your eyes after you did it. A rush of energy sparked up your body, through your toes and up to your head. You immediately felt lighter and that the world was spinning a little faster. But with that rush came a surge of emotions. You went from being sad to being angry real fast. 

You hated Ward. You hated Shoupe. You hated this house.  You hated Kooks. You hated yourself. You hated everything about the Outer banks. You just wanted to leave. 

You find the closest thing to you, a small makeup mirror, and smash it against one of the locks on the door. You’ve done this hundreds of times and by now the door was scratched and bruised from your abuse, but you didn’t care. You didn’t feel the glass of the mirror slice into your skin as you continued to bang it on the metal lock. You didn’t care if Ward and the others heard you throwing another temper tantrum. You just wanted out.

When you felt the lock stumble to the side of the door, you froze in your place. You stared at the broken lock, wondering if this was all a dream or a hallucination from your high. “No fucking way,” You mumbled. You looked down at the door knob and repeated the same movements until the handle completely fell off and clattered to the floor. 

You dropped the mirror and stuck two fingers through the hole in the door where the door knob use to be. While holding your breath, you slowly pulled the door open and couldn’t believe when it moved without any hiccup. 

You never thought that you would get this far, and now that you were here, you didn’t know what to do. You felt scared. Cautiously, you stuck your head out to make sure no one was in the hallway. When the coast was clear, you tip toed throughout the house, listening to the eery silence that filled it. No one was home. 

When you passed Rafe’s room, you stopped. You were out of supply and you needed more. Rafe owed you anyway, you told yourself. So you ransacked his room. Found about four more small baggies and stuffed them in your pocket before leaving.

As you walk through the halls, you pass Ward’s office and paused. It was open and unlocked. Even before all this shit happened, you never remember it being this way. You didn’t know what it was. Maybe it was the adrenaline from another escape attempt or maybe it was the cocaine, but you walked yourself into that office and looked around. 

You cursed at all the accomplishments hanging on his wall, the trophies, and expensive relics of random shit. His desk was neat and orderly despite the major crime he was trying to cover up. You sat yourself in his chair, trying to imagine what it felt like to be him. Motherfucker probably felt like a king. 

You went through his drawers, thumbing through random files you had no business looking through - most of it work related stuff and banking information. You tucked that one in your pocket for later. 

Then you hear something thump against the drawer when you pull it out. A revolver. Small and silver. Cold against your fingertips. You breath hitched as you brought it up to your face. It felt like you were holding a bomb. An object that could change your life forever. Another fresh set of tears threatened to roll down your face but you shook them away. No. No more being sad. 

You shut the drawer hard and walked out with a couple new items in your possession.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

The Pogues were spending another dreary day at The Wreck. The September sun might be out, but their spirits were down. Two of their best friends are dead and the other is trapped with two murderers. They were scared for you and have tried everything to get you back. They tried talking to the cops, they tried breaking her out. But each times the cops got in the way. They were running out of hope. At this point, they didn’t even know if they would ever see you again. They just hoped you were okay. They knew you tried escaping a few times and prayed that you would eventually get yourself out of there soon.

“JJ, you gotta eat,” Kie sighed as she watched JJ play with the fries in front of him. If anyone was handing it the worst, it was JJ. Both John B and Y/N were his best friends first. Hell, he was in love with Y/N. Had been since the sixth grade. One of his biggest regrets is that he never told you. Now he didn’t know if he ever would. 

“’M not hungry,” JJ mumbled. 

The door above the restaurant entrance rang as a couple of police officers walked in for their lunch break. The group of three glared at them as they walked in with their cocky stride and their hand resting on their tasers and guns as if everyone should be scared of them. 

“Fucking cops can’t do their goddamn job,” JJ sat back in his seat and flicked one of his fries down on the table. He hated them. More than he ever had. He couldn’t believe these people took an oath to protect this county. Fucking cowards, all of them. 

“Fucking assholes,” Kie said and watched her father approach them with a friendly smile. 

Pope snapped up when an idea popped into his head. “Sarah’s sister.”

“What?” Kie’s brows furrowed. 

“School starts next week,” Pope explained. “She’s starting high school, right? What if you tried talking to her? Maybe you can -”

Pope paused when he heard the sound of the police radios echoing off the walls from their belts. 

“Code10-92. Runaway teen last reported on Baker’s Street. Proceed with caution. Last seen wearing black sports shorts and a white tank. Suspect may be armed and dangerous.”

JJ’s head snapped back to his friends with his brows pinched together. Could this be you? Could you have made it out again? But what did armed and dangerous mean? That didn’t sound like you.

Shoupe radioed back to the station. “On our way.”

The officers dropped ten dollars in the tip jar before charging out the door to go to their vehicles. 

“We gotta go,” JJ stood up first and stuffed his phone and keys into his pocket. The other two nod and follow him out the door. If that call was about you, they wanted to find you before the cops did. “Okay. Kie, go home. She tried going to your house last time. Maybe she’ll try that again. Pope, go to Heyward’s. She trusts your dad. She might try to find him for help.”

“Where are you going to go?” Pope asked. 

“Everywhere else.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

You trudged through your old home with heavy feet. Nothing in there felt familiar to you - like it belonged to you in another life time. You first went to your room and stared at the girl in the mirror. You didn’t recognize her. Bones sticking out of your skin, dark bags under the eyes, and cracked lips and dry skin. 

Without thinking, you took the gun that’s still in your hand and smashed it against the glass, shattering it all around you. 

Ignoring the stinging in your hands from the shallow cuts on your skin, you moved on to the next room. Your brother’s room. It looked like a tornado made its way through here. Everything was tossed and turned from the police and FBI ransacking it during their search for John B. Nothing felt like it was John B’s anymore. Nothing felt private. And that pissed you off. 

Next you went to your dad’s office, somewhere you haven’t been since you found the compass. Even now, it felt like you weren’t supposed to be in here. If you believed in an afterlife, you would think your dad would be shaking his head at you. 

The office looked like John B’s room did. Whatever belonged to your dad now belonged to the state. The only things left were random files and belongings the police didn’t find of importance. But they were important to you. 

The first thing you found was a picture in a cracked frame of you, your dad, and your brother from when you were ten. Your dad was holding both of you as you blew out the candles on a birthday cake. Looking at the picture, you felt your heart being shredded apart. The picture only brought back pain and grief. You wanted that happiness back that ten year old you portrayed in that picture. But you can’t have it. Ever again.

A cry ripped through your throat as you chucked the picture across the room. From there, you went on a rampage, throwing and kicking anything that was in your way. You took one of the baggies out of your pocket and dumped it on the desk in front of you. Without any precision, you fixed the lines up with your finger and took a long whiff. You gripped the roots of your hair and tugged as you sobbed loudly and felt one of the biggest headaches explode in your brain. 

You paced back and forth in the office with the gun held in your shaky hands. You were mumbling to yourself about your options and how horrible of a sister and daughter you were for leaving your family behind. You wanted to see them. You wanted to be with them and prove to them you never meant to abandon them. 

You didn’t hear the door to the Chateau open or the sound of footsteps following your cries. It wasn’t until you heard his soft, delicate voice that you turned around and stared at your best friend with wide eyes and a startled expression. 

“Y/N...” JJ breathed out. He didn’t see the gun yet. He just saw you, crying and broken and not looking like the girl he knew only a few months ago. 

“What are you doing here?” He didn’t recognize your voice either. Hoarsed and scared. “You’re not supposed to be here!”

“The cops are looking for you! Okay? We need to get you out of here!”

“I’m not leaving!”

“What?” JJ looked at you like you grew two heads. “What are you talking about. We -”

“No! I said I’m not leaving! Agh!” Your hands flew up to your pulsating head and gripped at your hair again. The pounding in your head was excruciating and wouldn’t go away. Between the cocaine, your cries, and the exhaustion, you didn’t think it would ever go away. 

That’s when JJ saw the gun and took a shocking step back. His hands immediately flew up in surrender and he gulped down his nerves. Now he knew why the cops had called you armed and dangerous. Probably because Ward reported a stolen gun. JJ never knew you to be a violent person. It wasn’t in you. You couldn’t even hurt a fly. Which meant you didn’t steal this gun to hurt someone else. But probably...

Then his eyes flickered to the desk where he saw the reside of white powder next to an empty baggie. Now he was petrified because he didn’t know how to get through to you - if he even could get through to you.

“Y/N, baby. Put the gun down.”

“No,” You shook you head. “No, no, no. I need to see them. I need to see my dad and John B!”

“Y/n...”

“I should’ve gone with them. I should’ve - I - I didn’t mean to leave. I’m so-sorry, John B. I’m so sorry.” You were a mess. Tears and snot and running all over your red and puffy face. 

JJ kept looking between you and the gun. His only comfort was that he knew you didn’t know how to use it. You wouldn’t even touch the one he stole from Scooter Grubs. But that didn’t mean accidents couldn’t happen.

“I can’t do it anymore,” You continued. “I can’t go back there. I won’t. I won’t. I just want to see my dad.”

JJ took a hesitant step closer to you and nodded his head, keeping his hands up. “Okay. Okay. What if I helped you see your dad?”

“H-How?” You hiccuped. JJ didn’t know where he was going with this. He just knew he had to get that gun out of your hand. He took another step closer to you, but this one made you jump back. “No! No! Stay away!”

“Okay, okay!” JJ yelled back at you. “Hey. I’m here to help you, okay? Whatever you want to do.”

“I want to see them. I want to say sorry. I - I’m so sorry.”

“Y/N, they’re not mad at you-”

“I’m sorry, daddy, I -”

With you distracted, JJ took the opportunity to run at you and tackle you to the ground. He ignored the pang in his heart when he heard you cry harder, wondering if he hurt you, but he cared more about keeping you alive. He wrestled the gun out of your hands and quickly emptied the cartridge. He chucked the multiple pieces across the room and wrapped himself around your crumpled body.

“No! No!” You shrieked in JJ’s shoulder and gripped onto his shirt for dear life. “Please! Let me go!” 

JJ held on to your crumbling body as you wracked with sobs. Exhaustion quickly took over you as the adrenaline slowly vanished out of your system. Your throat was on fire from all the crying and the screaming. Your chest felt empty and your lungs heavy. All you wanted was to close your eyes and never open them again.

JJ couldn’t hold back his own silent tears as they ran down his cheeks. He hated seeing you like this. And he hated even more that he didn’t know how to help you.

“It’s going to be okay,” He said as he brushed the hair out of your face. He kissed the top of your head with his soft lips and kept mumbling into your head. “You’re going to be okay. I’m never leaving your side again. It’s going to be okay.”

He didn’t know if he was trying to convince you or himself. He jus knew he had to make you believe it.

About ten minutes later, he felt your body relax against his. When he found you fast asleep, he pulled out his phone and texted Kie to pick the two of you up. 

Until Kie got there, he stared at the delicate skin on your face with such admiration. Rage bubbled through this veins as the ideas of what you possibly went through in the that hell hole in Figure Eight. 

He knew it was going to be a long road to recovery. He knew there was a lot of fixing that needed to be done. But he made a promise that he will never let you out of his sights again. Because today was a close call. And he never wanted you to be that close to death ever again.

#jj maybank fic #jj x reader #jj fic #jj maybank #jj maybank imagines #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank one shot #jj mayback x reader #outer banks imagine #outer banks fic #obx imagine