#I feel like i am actually going insane | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cursedskull-666 · 3 months

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Gonna start screaming from the depths of my very soul I think.

#Life yknow. Just. Life #Cant downgrade my phone for a cheaper contract bc even the downgraded options are more expensive than my current contract #Have to cancel my membership to local pool bc they raised the monthly cost so now itd be cheaper just to pay at time of visit #Trying to find a place to move into is hell bc single occupancy places are going like mad #And i am at an incredible disadvantage as a disabled person who cant work landlords do not want that even tho i know how much i can afford #And trying to get on council housing list? Even more hellish and the wait time is years long anyway #Trying to get taken seriously by doctors as an autistic trans man? When im trying to see them about my chronic issues? HELL #Throw in that im also fat and its just awful #Trying also to get the GP to bloody REFER ME ALREADY to the gender clinic #HELL #JUST DO IT #and thats just the top of the list #So yeah i think im just gonna scream about it #Oh and cost of living in general AAAAAAAAAUGH #People not masking when they should and ignoring that we are still very much in the middle of a pandemic AAAAAH #I feel like i am actually going insane #Personal #Vent #Im gonna start chewing the walls #Maybe ill try biting people and hissing again like I used to when i was a kid #Because i might as well #Fuck

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itrulyhatethisworld · 22 days

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i just wanna cut everyone off and rot away in my bed

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theoldkyokodied · 1 year

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Uploading all my Tomgreg art at once from the past few week before season 4 hits, who knows in what kind of mental state i'm gonna be once it does :')

#tomgreg #succession #dont even talk to me i started watching this show when i had nothing to do at work and now i watch it with averiel my good friend averiel #and we are going to watch s4 together and i feel physically ill from bein so excited #so ya thats what ive been up to... anyway. i love these idiots they desever nothing but the worst (affectionate)#im also a tomshiv lover btw. im the one who yells 'THIS IS HOW TOMSHIV CAN STILL WIN' while they are actively losing on screen #thats the kind of person i am #dont look at me (lying on the floor)#okay i was not going to say stuff in the tags and let the art speak for itself but i NEED to point out details in the wine Painting..#i put a lot of work into that one. thinly veiled metaphors and symbolism yknow..#greg is gripping the stem of the wine glass with his full fist. tom and greg are dressed in the same outfit (sock garters included)#greg look appalled but he is not doing anything about the spill. tom is fondly pouring greg more and more wine. he is doing him a favor #i colored the red wine the same way i would color blood :) oh and tom is not really touching greg #only holding the chair in place. greg is making himself look smaller than he is like usual #oh and @ the person who said that it's the inverse of the tom and nate scene i love the way you think. i did not think of that before #but god. yeah. i actually thought about the scene change from when roman uhh.. christens his office in s1. the one with the coffee machine #i always go insane at that cut. this is not exactly the same since it's more.. about emotions but yknow.. it can be.. the same...

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witherbythesword · 8 days

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if the theory of sam reich being replaced by .. evil wizard dalton reich (and i cant believe i am partaking in this discurse) is true..

i've seen some people asking the question about what those childhood tapes mean. Well i am one of the ancient ones that owned vhs tapes and you know you could replace whats stored on those tapes with overwriting it with new material but it would slowly degrade the quality as the magnetic tape the information is stored on isn't necessarly made to be re-recorded on indefinetly which would also explain the degrading quality of the gamechanger episode.

So my theory is that dalton reich wants to erase sam from history and to do this he is slowly erasing any proof that could hint on sam and dalton being two different people. One thing he appearantly needed to do is overwrite these old vhs tapes of sams childhood.

#game changer #dropout tv #Sam Reich #having worked in an archive i think depending on quality of the tape and what generation it is #you can record and re-record on it 5-10 times #which would fit the loops on the episode kinda #listen i wanted to be cool but i love time loops OKAY #I am actually in disbelieve that no one tackled sam to the ground #like brennan did during the dance thing in the “second place” episode #and screamed “DANCING IS A SIN”#to keep Sam from kicking the god damn camera #i also feel like i've been hexed with the wenis curse #you see all those text about it and think.. well... how bad can it be? truely?#and the answer is simple #EVERYBODY DO THE WENIS #THE WENIS IS A DANCE #EVERBYODY IS A GENIUS #WHO KNOWS IS IN ADV (gunshoots.. sirens blaring in the background.. and a wet thud sounds right next to you)#also.. not to be like alu head levels of conspiracy but by now the nimber of accounts #saying the dropout cast should be hunting down sam as the final game changer episode of the season #is suspicious to me #like... if that turn out to be a fixitman situation of people being IN on something #am just going full balls to the wall riz gukgak tatooing night yorb on his chest levels of insane by now 👍#also the sfx needed thing #reminds me about how jacob always does his own buzzer sound #because clearly the normal buzzer sound was always there #also.. the red shining buzzer reflecting in the prompt screen..that wasn't always that way right?

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uncanny-tranny · 4 months

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I think such a big reason my trans manhood feels almost... bigendered is simply because in the eyes of most people (specifically cis people with whom I interact with most), I straddle this weird line wherein I am a man and often am seen as one, but I am also clearly undefinable insofar as cis theory goes, clearly queer, clearly outside of manhood if one only accepts cishet, patriarchal manhood. This definitely used to be a source of dysphoria for me, but I think now that I've transitioned, it's been interesting to explore this more. Am I wholly a man? Yes. Am I a man of multitudes? Yes. Do these multitudes contradict? Well, that depends on your definition of "contradiction"

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #nonbinary #i've been thinking more about multigenderedness and i think my own experiences are nuanced in such a way where i am both...#...not multigendered but also am. i am constantly in a state of being and unbeing...#...and i guess to many that's insanity but to me it just feels like a consequence of living in the world we live in #i can fully accept my manhood whilst also recognizing that we really do Live In a Society and i want to explore that #i don't consider myself GNC at all because i do not feel like i am 'nonconforming' to manhood...#...but i DO feel as though my trans manhood is in a way bigendered #the guys that get it get it and the guys that don't don't #and similarly #the girls that get it get it and the girls that don't don't #i don't think it's a coincidence that i've started exploring this after going on T...#...i've only recently been comfortable with doing this because i'm. actually fucking happy. for once. and that's given me more interest...#...in actually knowing who i am. who knew. because before i knew enough of who i was but didn't give a shit about myself and. that SUCKED

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ffc1cb · 2 years

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addicted to drawing him. he is so funny to me

#yttd #midori yttd #sou hiyori #shin tsukimi #maple yttd #im going to be completely honest i feel like that one insane anon who was like oh i dont actually interact with the source material i read #fanfics in order to grasp what the plot is about #except i dont read fanfics. i am piercing the plot together from memes youtube videos fandom wiki and my wifes knowledge #i cant play the game horror genre is not my cup of tea but im mesmerized by the characters. midori in particular. as you can see #art stuff

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bee-snail · 8 months

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HELLO CAMP CAMP FANDOM !!!

I'm going so crazy about him yes yes

#can you tell im going insane ? can you? i am. i am going down the rabbit hole at insane speeds i tell you #what a GUY #such a silly little fella !!#commits a bit of murder on the side yes indeed #i do feel a liiiiittle bad for max though. unlike elvis presley he did not get wise to the devil in disguise #camp camp #cc daniel #camp camp daniel #cc max #camp camp max #cc fanart #camp camp fanart #also this is like my first time drawing for this fandom so be kind !! hahshehe #i admit i feel a little 'eeerrrhrnrngng' abt these. someday I'll understand how to actually draw david & daniel #my art

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designernishiki · 9 months

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it’s kinda funny to me how that dumb scene in kiwami 1 of majima getting shot and left for dead in the harbor was basically just added as a half-assed way to explain majima not being around for a bit of the plot, but they accidentally(?) just made it seem like start of a chain reaction where majima ended up feeling slighted and heartbroken after being abandoned like that and then lashed out about it via smashing a big truck into the building kiryu was in. and yeah that isn’t inherently a romantic thing as-is but then they go and add the part where majima grabs a hostess and performatively hits on her as in-kiryu’s-face as possible, she says she’s already in love with someone, and majima lets her go immediately, no questions asked, making a big fucking point of it just to say see THAT kiryu? I appreciate when people are HONEST about their FEELINGS. people who won’t just BACKSTAB someone who CARES about them to save themselves. is that so crazy kiryu?? huh??? anyway make it up to me get down here and fight me right fucking now

#I think on another level he was sorta saying like ‘hey kiryu. you’re making it extremely clear that you don’t trust me and my intentions #and I’ve been trying to show you- over and over again- that I’d do just about anything for you and your safety #but I can’t just let my mask fall off in front of everyone- I need to keep up the unpredictable morally grey wildcard act for both my sake #AND yours. because disguising my helping you as crazy random violent outbursts and weird stalker behavior #is the only way I CAN help you. do you think it would go over well with shimano or literally anyone else if I was outright helping you out #of the kindness of my heart and fondness for you? stop being so fucking dense and look past the crazy wacky nonsense for a second and #maybe you’ll realize that all I do at the end of the day- really- is help you and put my own life and reputation on the line for you.#I am an honest guy when it comes to my real values and when I told you I wouldn’t let anyone kill you unelss it was myself- I meant it.#I’ve taken a knife and a bullet for you now. can you REALLY not see through the act yet? am I REALLY that unpredictable when you think about #it?’#that was a longer explanation than i intended but. it was difficult to put into words #I basically feel like it could be read as him implying kiryu shouldn’t backstab the people who put themselves on the line to help him #and/or pointing out that he’s never actually done kiryu dirty and has stuck to his word protecting him in the ways he can #trying to say yeah all this is a crazy act and all but when it comes down to it you Can trust me #it really makes sense when you think about it that he’d have to help kiryu/show affection towards kiryu in unpredictable convoluted ways #at that point in time because. I mean. there’s a reason he was the only person who showed up to welcome kiryu when he got out of prison #and that’s because A) he sticks to his word and his loyalty to people he cares about and B) no one else had the balls or the batshit insane #mask to wear to ward off anyone asking real questions like majima did. because ANYONE associating themselves with the supposed #patriarch-killer was a HUGE NO-NO at the time. someone important showing up for kiryu and welcoming him back outright could’ve caused #all-out warfare probably. except majima. because majima was dedicated and smart enough to use his widely-feared wildcard persona #(that everyone tended to view as incapable of having any Real agenda to worry about) to his And kiryu’s advantage #does that make sense??? I feel like it makes a lot of sense if you get it to click in your head #kazumaji #majima #kiryu #yakuza #kiwami 1 #yk1 #rambling

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mdverse · 5 months

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oopsies my hand slipped and i drew brittana kissing again

#my art #digital art #fan art #art #glee #glee art #glee fanart #gleesource #brittana #brittany s pierce #santana lopez #brittanasource #wlw #wlw art #i should be kept away from lighting layers actually i keep going overboard when i don't have to just bc it feels necessary #the payoff is worth it but still i am out of control #rendering is crazy tho I keep looking at the before and afters and it's so!!! the difference is so cool to see #like my unrendered version vs the final... the rendered flats vs the final... truly insane I love making art shdjsj

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skitskatdacat63 · 8 months

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2023 Dutch Grand Prix - Fernando Alonso(ft. Max Verstappen & Pierre Gasly)

#GUYS I AM SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY TODAY AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH #LETS GOOOOOO BACK ON THE PODIUM!!!!!!!!!#ive done enough live blogging that sums up my feelings hahaha so i should refrain here #i think that was def my fav race of the season(other than bahrain prob hehehe)#but god what a fantastic race!! yes i cried a bit #like everyone was overtaking and there was such good racing up and down the field and it felt so close #thank you to the rain!!!!!#i need a nando overtak count bcs my god he was actually insane this race #like that first lap double overtake?????? okay????? go off king!!!!!!!#but aaaahhhhh everyone was so happy for himmmmmmmm #like hugging him and chanting his name and cheering!! AS HE DESERVESSSSSSSS #the green background of the podium...it was foreshadowing #im still on my caffiene high from rb so im so sorry to all my mutuals for all the caps and screaming and tambling BUT IT IS A GREAT DAY #i kinda wanna clip some parts of his interview cause he was very cute and happy and silly today hehehe #fernando alonso #f1 #formula one #formula 1 #fa14 #max verstappen #aston martin #pierre gasly #2023 dutch gp #2023 dutch grand prix #we do a little bit of f1

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itrulyhatethisworld · 24 days

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i wish i could stab myself over and over again

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emometalhead · 10 months

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I will never shut up about Electric Touch. Ever.

#that being said I'm actually about to go to sleep lol #I got home from the FOB concert at 4 am and was awake again before 8 am #I am only awake rn because I was determined to hear SN TV in full at the time of release #I've listened to Electric Touch 3 times which is my lucky number so it feels like a good time to sleep lol #I'm excited to enjoy this album in full again in the morning after I get some solid sleep #insane 24 hours for me!!#ashley rambles #taylor swift #electric touch #speak now (taylor’s version)#fall out boy

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weallpartyatybcpatricksfuneral · 7 months

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ngl smile for the paparazzi is a genius song and I'm tired of pretending that cobra starship wasn't a genius band at times

#like i am 100 percent serious here #the way they commented on celebrity culture + scene culture was insane #because they put that satire under a layer of legitimate pop music #like smile for the paparazzi is on the same album as like. kiss my sass.#youre not in on the joke is on the same album as good girls go bad + hot mess #which i feel like is a commentary in itself of #you only know them by their hits (the pop hits that genuinely sound like any other scene pop song)#but hiding right under the surface of that is their true message and intent (celebrity culture is evil genuinely and ruins people)#ngl titling their first album while the city sleeps we rule the streets AND THEN having the opener of their second album commentate #on the dangers of the city nightlife for celebrities is insane actually #give them more credit please damn #cobra starship #gabe saporta

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ryllen · 6 months

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Sobbing, instead of studying I translated more of doujin page from the same artist, linking 2 more, with (shorter) summary,

this one is about trey who actually acts normal not because he wants normality, but because he feels like he has to be normal (like trauma after getting riddle into trouble), but then jade sense that side of him, and somewhat be like, it's okay not to be normal and it release tensions from trey's shoulders fhsdh when they started dating, trey kept finding himself in trouble that jade brought upon them (schoolmates suddenly wants to get into battle because they have some kind of beef on jade) when cater said, u like normal right? why are u going out with him? trey said, i don't actually dislike it (the trouble) (yea because he is actually not normal)

when azul said, jade why are u going out with trey, he seems too normal? jade be like, no he is not normal at all, trey knows there's someone behind the bench (i hope someone saved them after fshd but then there were ants, ants go for dead bodies, is he ded for real? fshdh BUT WAIT, it was raining, ANTS WON'T COME OUT WHEN IT RAINS, hey! hey!!! AUTHOR!!) but he still gave jade the umbrella calmly in conclusion, TOTES NOT NORMAL! Jade said.

--

this one is about riddle becoming best friend with jade, and their unique relationship also bits of riddle realizing jade has feeling for trey and bits of floyd just started to think he likes riddle, and they all help each other (yippie!)

the writing is also in depth & brilliant, but i especially love page 61-64 where jade gave reasoning to trey not to tied himself forever on the trauma of putting riddle into trouble back then that he deserves to be happy himself when trey said "i wish i can do something for riddle" jade replied "riddle wasn't someone that only you could save." "of course it doesn't have to be me." "riddle is a strong person who can find happiness on his own if given the chance." "please be happy too"

RIGHT AT MY KOKORO.

#twisted wonderland #twst #treyjade #trey clover #jade leech #i don't usually translate doujin pages much but i guess anything other than studying feels like a bliss from heaven rn (which will give me #hellish trouble later)#but yea i wish i have power where i can just merge google translate to my eyes so i can read japanese fanartists work with ease #i am sure there are many more good depth doujins out there #and even without depth some of them can be really sweet and funny #oh i feel like if i had that ability and actually fueled with the knowledge of all treyjade fanart stories ever existed #i probably go insane already fhsdhsd #i mean i am already ballistic now #imagine going crazier #there are many kind of trey and jade #and their varieties are good #trey who wants to be normal #trey who actually doesn't want to be normal #they are both good #FSDSDH NOT JADE THO SAYING KABEDON IS THE POSITION FLOYD USUALLY DOES TO RETORT FOR MONEY FHSDHSDHD #THE twins sure are built differently #also DANG that jade about to go HAM on one of the heartslabyul student on the best friend with riddle doujin #i love the leech twins can be so silly and can be so deadly

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givemewallywestorgivemedeath · 6 months

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Growing up in an extremely ultra religious, cult-like family was a mindfuck for multiple reasons but that doesn't stop unfortunately, even when you escape. For example, see: The overwhelming feeling of boiling hatred and shame for who you used to be.

The angry hatred for the past person I used to be, the version of myself that mindlessly parroted my family's beliefs and listened to their every command, constantly simmered under my skin and invaded my every thought. I was embarrassed of what I used to be- even as I made friends of different ethnicities and faiths, as I listened and explored new ideas and worlds that I never knew existed, as I started the first LGBTQ+ club at my school and volunteered with kids who deserved so much more- there was always a little voice in the back of my head.

"They would hate you if they knew what you were. They would hate the horrendous teachings that were seared into your mind, the things that you used to say and believe. You are nothing but a pretender."

And it is true that my beliefs were bigoted in all the worst ways. It is true that I believed truly heart-wrenching things without a second thought and judged others in such harsh and unfair ways. I told myself that there was no coming back from that, not really. There was nothing I could do to ever make up for it.

Then I remembered that the person who said those things wore velcro light up sneakers and collected finger puppets that the librarians handed out as awards for reading picture books. The person that held signs at pro-life rallies and anti-LGBTQ+ protests had a cherished sticker book and hunted minnows in the creek after school and adored their puffle on club penguin and was really into greek mythology and had skinned knees from climbing trees at recess and knew every Disney song by heart and was absolutely terrified of the dark.

That person was a child.

I was a child.

It took a really long time. Years and years of reflection and distance, but I've decided that I can't hate the past version of myself anymore. I feel pity and remorse, I feel anger- I feel so much fury and violent rage- at what my childhood was and I grieve what could- no, should- have been, but I no longer resent who I was.

I'm not ashamed.

I am so, so, so unbelievably proud of that little kid. For being brave enough to leave the comfort and safety of what I was told was right. For not being afraid to be wrong. For seeking out information and knowledge in a culture that praised ignorance. For questioning everything, relentlessly.

I am by no means a perfect person, I never have been and I never will, but I am proud of myself in every iteration that has ever existed because I know that I have never stopped trying to understand and learn and grow, and I never will.

If you have ever been in a similar situation and feel similar things, first of all: My condolences on your lost childhood. Second of all: Please be nice to that past version of yourself and recognize all the hard work they did to make you who you are today. That person was a survivor and an inspiration. They deserve nothing but love.

#started anti depressants recently. kinda had an epiphany. i can't hate who i was. if i met me now i wouldn't blame that tiny child #for their rancid beliefs or for being dragged to protests. because thats a CHILD. i HAVE met kids in that position and i feel nothing but #pity and anger on their behalf. so why am i holding that version of myself to a higher standard?#i could not have known what i know now at 6 or 8 or 10. the same way that i could not have written a college level essay at that age #but i did what i could. in my own 8 y/o way. i believed in love and humanity and happiness. i was just misguided in the 'hows' of it all #and i am so so so so so proud. of every single microscopic step that i took. every question i asked. every thought that i hid and protected #and pondered secretly at night until new ideas and doubts bloomed like a dandelion through the pavement #and I'm so proud that i chased that doubt. that i asked why why why why until their ears bled and their voices were raw #until their answers stopped adding up. until i sought knowledge elsewhere with a mind dehydrated and malnourished and begging for knowledge #in any form i could get. i just. if i could hug that kid? if i could right now reach out and give that terrified and lonely child a hug?#i would. a million times over.#anyway sorry for the intense personal rant I'm just going through it rn and I'm like.... actually feeling alright #its wild. did you guys know about this??? anti depressants make you NOT depressed??? shits insane fam #irl #personal

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autistic-katara · 9 months

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me: dude im not even feeling that tired rn and haven’t for ages oh no oh fuck im probably accidentally faking my disability-

my chronic fatigue, loading ammunition into a massive fucking cannon: damn really bro?

#been so tired these past like 2 days #like not regular gotta lie down tired nah #like i don’t have the energy to do basically anything tired #and again i don’t mean like idk i can’t wash the dishes cause idk i’m sleepy or whatever #i mean like i physically can’t do or say like double the amount i normally can’t #like i’ll know how to do smthn or what to say clearly in my head but i just don’t have the energy to get it out if that makes sense #and that’s not like all of it but it’s one of the worst parts (at least rn)#like i feel like i’m actually going insane cause of this it’s just rlly weird #idek i am also like i gotta lie down most of the day tired #but it’s not that strong idk #this is turning into kinda a vent idk #but it’s fine to rb the actual post is fine #chronically ill #chronic fatigue #disabled

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