#I didn’t know how else to tag it

[darisu-chan]

I was using my personal Twitter (or I guess X now) account that has nothing about B//leach on it, and I still saw tweets calling us IRs toxic and the worst part of the fandom, and I just remembered the terrible messages I got for years just for liking IR

The reason why I saw it was someone else saying that they still didn’t animate R//enji in that scene where R//ukia thinks about other people but him, which I found it weird back then myself how she never really gave all that much thought to him, and seemed annoyed by him. I know many IRs hate him, but as someone who was back then a huge R//enji fan I still found it weird how one sided a lot of that relationship seemed. That’s why I stopped shipping them. I shipped R//enruki before I even shipped IR, but I have no proof bc I wasn’t in B//leach spaces when I first read the manga, if anyone wonders.

It’s still weird to me how I just can’t enjoy my ship in peace without seeing something online about the fans/my ship outside of Tumblr or even my fan account on Twitter (which I no longer use for this reason)

Like I just see all these amazing people I’ve met in my years in the fandom painted as the bad guy, even when they were there for me during some of my worst moments or even recently to just say “I’m so sorry for your loss” after a post I made, and I just feel powerless. And I know now in anime history we’re gonna be remembered as shitty people and not as some of the most creative people I know, and honestly we put more thought in our analysis than K//ubo himself probably did, all because of a ship.

I rue the day when the ships became canon instead of simply, everyone just staying friends and not having time skips that added nothing to the story except some weird analogy with the first chapter, that made 0 sense as an allusion bc the kids don’t even look that much like the parent they’re supposedly alluding too, and then the story never continued

I tried to be happy for finally seeing Kia’s bankai animated but I’m just sad that I can’t escape the hellhole that is B//leach

I adored most of the characters and the story and it got me through tough times as a teen/young adult, but after everything, yeah, I’m not ashamed to say I care for about 4 or 5 characters and their interactions and I don’t want to even watch the anime ever again or have got to do anything with other work by K//ubo. The fandom just makes me sad. Not even mad. Just sad. Like I wasted 8 years of my life liking something I can now only relate to the people who hurt rewriting history and coming of as victims

Idk if some of you have seen those tweets and I’m gonna assume tiktoks, but if you guys are just as tired as I am, I’m here for you

#ichiruki #I didn’t know how else to tag it

[littledead-ridinghood]

It’s not that Jason came back to a changed family where he didn’t fit into the gap he left behind anymore. It’s the fact that his family never scooted over to make more space for him once he returned.

#jason todd #jason todd meta #<- mini and tagging because I can <3 #going insane over Jason being fine with changing but never expected that the others around him wouldn’t acknowledge change #like Jason was alive before anyone else knew. he knew he was different. he was around for those years before he returned to Gotham #Bruce—and others—thought hw was still underground #Jason had years to adjust to himself (no matter how well he did or didn’t) while the others had to play catch up #Jason wasn’t trying to squeeze himself back into the dynamic that once was #but he didn’t expected to be shoved back into that space and then denied more by others #jason fully preparing for one obvious outcome unaware that theirs another hiding in plain sight is murdering me #I was going to add caveats but I’m going to try to trust others to acknowledge long term relationships and not just focus on pre-flashpoint #returned as in both to Gotham and as a ‘prodigal son’ <-you all know how I feel about that :/

[only-one-brain-cell]

“None of which we had access to for security.” Oh really? Then how the fuck was JJ able to play Scrabble with her then?????

#criminal minds #this makes me so mad #warning the following tags will turn into a novel #this and the fight between Spencer and JJ #how was she able to look Spencer in the eye and say Emily is dead and help him grive while also playing Scrabble with her #did Hotch play any online games with her?? NO #“but she couldn’t tell him” pretty sure she also couldn’t play online word games with her #“he’s my best friend” I mean you roll your eyes every time he opens his mouth or you shut up down whenever he talks about his interests #but yeah your his ”best friend” #not Emily ”I’m so proud of you” “never stop being you” #or Penelope “I know I’m sorry” *presses two fingers to her lips then to his forhead* Spencer: ☺️ #also Pen: *keeps his secrets despite not being able to keep anyone else’s* #she didn’t tell anyone about his mom when she found out nor did she tell Tara or Luke about his addiction #AND THEN HIS “BESTIE” JJ IMMEDIATELY DID #I’m sorry what was this post about oh yeah “dead Emily”

[eeljawz]

no escape!

!! minors dni !!

#v/ore #v0re #vore internal #fatal vore #v.ore #unwilling prey #halfsize vore #hmm dont know what else to tag this #really trying something new w this one i hope it looks good shskjssjbs #also kinda changed the color of fera’s insides #i didn’t really like how the dull pinkish purple looked #also i REALLY gotta practice the goopyness. i feel like i didnt nail it quite right #artzzzz #fera

[the-meme-monarch]

ok sorry i didn’t go insane over emesis blue like i thought I would but it is making me scared irl now. i can’t turn over in bed bc what if there’s a severed head positioned like it’s peaking around the doorframe. what if i look over and The Butcher is there

#genuinely that scene was the scariest part of the whole movie to me. a weird guy appear (your mom is also dead) #anyway i have a question. is the butcher a timeloop iteration of spy. like how the plague doctor is thought to be a future timeloop medic #my only thinking is The Butcher Looks Pretty Badly Burned Under That Mask. Spy Got Pretty Badly Burned Adn Started Wearing A Mask #but like the butcher is pretty clearly pyro’s model #and like why would spy timeloop torture his past self #also i think it was implied that the butcher and medic(unknowingly) orchestrated scouts kidnapping #and spy and medic kinda. didn’t get along HDBSHBEHDHSB #idk ive watched the movie twice now #emesis blue #ask to tag #words from the monarch #also is it accurate to call it a time loop. idk what else to call it. but like what was happening to soldier like the convo with demoman a #and throwing the crowbar/getting hit with the crowbar would be timeloop shit right. #there are timeloop ELEMENTS but im not saying the whole story is a timeloop. yknow #also this movie is kinda funny to read stuff about out of context when you already deeply know tf2. they sure put these guys in A Situation

[clover-46]

the writers on here making the miguel fics need to remember his fangs inject paralytic venom hes not a real vampire it was just a joke in the movie 😭

oh but i still want him to bite me don’t get me wrong idgaf if they have venom 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

#the copious amounts of smut i’ve seen with this man and the fangs is crazy #y’all need to tone it DOWN wheres the fluff omg?? #there’s like so many smut x reader fics clogging the miguel o’hara tag and people can express their creative liberties or whatever but it’s #getting CRAZY #like why is almost nobody talking about his character and writing an analysis on him #AND WHY ARE SO MANY FICS WRITING HIM TO BE SOME FERAL AND MEAN BEAST #firstly it’s feels racist to write a brown latino man that way. #second it feels fetishiz-y with how people only sexualize the fuck outta him and talk about nothing else when it comes to him #to add onto that people are drawing him with a MUZZLE on #at first all this didn’t really register in my head as bad but after seeing so much i see it 😭 #also some spanish speakers have said people are using incorrect spanish when writing dialogue for him and thats kinda funny #don’t use google translate please 💀 #miguel o’ hara #spiderman 2099 #across the spiderverse #i also saw someone say miguel would not be a good partner or something and i just know you didn’t pay attention #and i wont go into why because its spoilers but we have seen him be soft and happy with someone he cares about it’s just trauma that has #made him mean and depressed #he was obviously projecting onto miles in the movie when he acted like that let’s be fr #why am i writing a novel down here idk i just wanted to talk about it a little #i love the smut (trust me) but pleaaseee don’t start being fetishize-y

[1driedpersimmon]

hello sea i hope you’re having a great day !!!

if you don’t mind could you break down how you draw bodies? nothing in depth, just the basic guidelines ! i’m trying to get better with anatomy and i don’t think the guidelines i use right now are the best… i love the way you do anatomy and was hoping to see your process of getting an initial pose down and making sure the proportions look right :D

ty in advance and no worries if you don’t feel like explaining / doing a guide !! 💙

Ok forgive me for leaving this unanswered for months, I promise I wasn’t ignoring it I was just busy and also trying to figure out how to best answer this aljskjs

Ok anyways so I broke down the absolute basic basic steps that I like to do for my figure, but I didn’t quite get into the specifics of anatomy and stuff like that (I’d have to do a whole lecture slide and well…. That’ll take much muccchhhhh longer) but anywho!

So I’m certainly not the be-all and end-all of anatomy/pose advice, but I’ve found that breaking down the figure like this into simple shapes is one of the best way I figure out a pose in the years I’ve taken classes/figure drawing myself. A good exercise is to do some gesture drawings with a time limit (for speedy folks like myself (hehe) I like to keep the sketches down to seconds! But if you make a nice sketch in say… 3-5 minutes, that’s a good time!) gesture drawings are literally just drawing people posing (live drawing sessions are really fun, but pictures are just as effective! I’ll say Pinterest is pretty solid for looking up dynamic poses to practice with, but if you just look up something like “dynamic poses online” you can find lots of solid sites that have collected poses over the years! Also do mind some of these have nude models option so if you are in public, at work, and if you’re a minor, please mind those options) another good method is to actually directly trace the figure itself. Not to get too into the ethics of tracing or whatever (good for practice… bad for “saying it’s yours and whatever”), but sometimes tracing the figure directly can help you understand what parts of the body connects to what, and overall would help you identify the various body parts a little better. But yeah! So that’s the gist of it. Again I haven’t gone too deep into the technicalities of anatomy as I would take much longer to do so (one day I will!) but I hope this answers at least a part of your question and helps you on your artistic journey :3

#asks #ok I think I said all I wanted to say #let me know if there was anything else you wanted to know! #for more specifics I’ll def have to take longer on it #…perhaps I’ll make a video… hm… that would be fun #also don’t mind uh. my. not so great graphic designishjgdjhdhjdh I in a car doing this lmaooooooooo #ah no I didn’t do this all in a car I did half at home and the rest while being driven #anyways #hm… what else do I tag this was uhhh #art guide #how to #yeah ok

[kicktwine]

oh so alisaie’s exaggerated bully behavior is 80% fanon. saying this she casually picks up a large rock

#say one thing wrong to me and you will have a wonderful few days with the rock #if angry silly girls have 100 fans etc if they have 0 fans i have died #sorry i saw a YouTube meme i vehemently disliked on principle and got mad at the only child behavior- #kipspeak #she is just short tempered and uses anger to mask other more ‘shameful’ emotions!!! alphy did the same thing with just deciding not #to express them. which is still not good and I think why he breaks and ends up teary so often now #this shortness does not translate to actually being mean to people. she only uses being mean as a shield for herself and being snarky #Is just fun for her. it’s fun for Me. you have to inconsequentually tease people or they’ll never learn to laugh at themselves #the twins and thancred 🫵 do this thing where they have big emotions but they don’t want anyone to SEE they have big weird emotions #so alphy pretends he doesn’t have them under a veneer of dignity and alisaie pretends the emotions are Something Else. thancred is #just so emotionally constipated he has trouble expressing anything. he’s got enough baggage for a flatbed #anyways. alisaie is such a compassionate and kind girl and she learned how to make snarky jokes and went ham. and she hates appearing sad o #weak or vulnerable so she blocks it off with an unapproachable emotion so no one pities her and they maybe get on with the plot #it is in fact also great at getting ppl to move away from the sad or embarrassing topic. even if the tradeoff is being more offputting #she would never (grabs youtube meme) she would never seriously bully her brother. this is sibling ribbing only. Cain instinct #just leave her be she is learning how to snark humor and she loves it she loves being sharp. alphy has wit he just keeps it close #my brother didn’t learn how to tell or receive a joke until he was 14 he took everything so seriously. he can do it now though and he’s #HILARIOUS. Don’t tell him I said that. my man knows exactly where the funny points are even if he hasn’t learned when to stop yet #too many tags. Whatever. jokey snark alisaie who sometimes compliments is happy alisaie grouchy snappy angry alisaie is way too stressed #very easy way to tell between the two. even alphy can tell between the two I believe! He tends to rib back in protest if they’re having fun #and try to stop her if they’re not having fun. case in point ‘what is that supposed to mean?!’ vs ‘alisaie ryne was only trying to help.’ #I know they’re twins but that’s such an intensely older sibling thing to do that it reels me #LONG TAGS AND THREE EDITS TO ADD ON SHORT I resent this stereotype taken too far into ooc behavior. it happened with nya #It will happen again and as a postscript let me regale you with Things U Can Notice About Character Motivation and Actions— #I’m not done let me s #she and raha are friends now I decree. ‘haha you like me’ SPUTTERING PROTEST FROM BOTH

[batwynn]

I finally get to try a different medication for ADHD via my NP primary care because I explained to her that I’m weeks behind on work, but also I literally have an autoimmune disease that causes open wounds that need frequent care and guess what executive dysfunction and memory problems make really hard to do?

I love having to beg for help using the most extreme versions of my problems via ADHD because my regular day comfort and being able to function just don’t matter.

#adhd #mental health #nurodivergent #medical care #American health care #tw: wounds #tw: medication #tw: mental health #tw: doctors #tw: medical abuse #I don’t know how else to tag it #but uh yeah if I seem unfriendly to doctors let me just sit you down with the past 20 years of experiences #I mean I honestly froze when she said yeah come in and pee in a cup and we’re good to go #like really? #the last two wouldn’t work with me at all #one told me to stop taking the one I was on since I complained that it didn’t seem to be working enough #instead of upping the dose or changing meds #like #anyway #personal #batwynn talks #blacklist last tag to avoid personal posts

[the-fear]

hiiiii :3

i read tags on that post you reblogged for me and i agree that its most likely that kayne is nyarlathotep since it'd pretty much align with cthulhu mythos - it often takes human form to walk the earth and it's character is pretty similar to kayne's. It also acts with seemingly no particular goal again just like kayne! and i can't really think of any other gods in cthulhu mythos that would fit him so well

also I'd love to hear more about that theory of yours ^_^!!!!!!

Aw thanks for asking about this! :D

{Putting this under a cut because this is a lot of information. It’s pretty condensed but still quite long}

Please take in mind that this theory only just popped into my head when I read the post, so this has more holes in it than Emmental cheese.

I was thinking on the fact that Harlan’s post mentioned explicitly that Kayne’s identity will be addressed in season 4, and I was wondering what other things have been added to the podcast this season. Most notably are the characters (Oscar, the Butcher, Daniel, etc. - Noel is a Very Close Contender for being Kayne for me), but we’ve also had some other things at least slightly confirmed. Probably one of the most important things that have been confirmed it the time dilation.

I seem to remember that there were quite a lot of theories around time loops and similar phenomena (I think a few were on @ty-betteridge’s blog but I can’t find the posts for some reason). With Scratch’s apparent ability to live longer in dreams than in the real world, eldritch time dilation is basically canon, as far as we know. This could further open the door to other time-related shenanigans, including time loops, to be canon as well.

It’s also been mentioned in the time loop posts that John could in fact be a future Arthur (I may have got this wrong because it’s been a long time since I caught up on the theories). I personally don’t see that (I don’t know how that would fit in with the KIY stuff) but I do really think there’s going to be some stuff involving timeloops and Arthur and John.

Anyway, enough of that ramble! Let’s get back to the important part: who is Kayne?

I 100% believe Kayne is Nyarlathotep - or at least one version of him. Maybe not the one directly from the Lovecraft source material, but definitely an entity that shares the same role as him in the story. Especially with the common description of Nyarlathotep as “joyous”, and we can defintely say that Kayne is enjoying himself with Arthur’s story.

I say that Kayne may not be entirely based on Lovecraft’s Nyarlathotep, because that entity is described as an Outer God, and this theory hinges on the fact that Kayne’s origin is something much closer to home.

So what are some things that we know for sure about Kayne / Nyarlathotep?

From Lovecraft’s source material: his description tends to be of a “tall, swarthy man” but it’s often noted that he can shapeshift.

From the podcast: he has no canon appearance apart from wearing a black suit (and other details), as described by John in part 20. He is also noted to be playing piano in his first appearance.

He also has an Extreme interest in Arthur’s life, as far as to having “watched [Arthur’s] life unfold”. He wants to find out what’s “different” about Arthur compared to other people.

So here’s my theory:

Kayne is Arthur (+ John) from the future.

If you’re thinking that’s a slightly far fetched, I agree! There are several problems with this theory that I need to iron out. I’m replying to this ask because I hope other people can add to this theory, correct me on things that I got wrong, share some more stuff about Nyarlathotep, etc.

One question with this theory is that surely John would recognise Kayne if he looked like Arthur? Well, that’s already got an answer - Kayne can shapeshift, so probably changed his appearance to throw John off his scent. That might also explain the difference in accent between Arthur and Kayne: Future Arthur!Kayne is trying to be incognito, he doesn’t want Arthur and John to find out who he is.

Another question is why is Arthur!Kayne doing this? The motive I think Arthur!Kayne has is pretty evident: he wants to find out what makes him different, what allowed him to become Kayne. We’ve already been told that Arthur is different to most people in that he can hold a piece of the King in Yellow in his mind without succumbing to their will (compared to Marie’s sister, who was taken over completely by Mr Scratch, and the people who did not survive John’s book). Perhaps this difference allowed Arthur to become Kayne (remember that Kayne discusses hearing voices too, perhaps in a similar manner to John + Yellow in Arthur’s mind). Maybe what sets Arthur on the path to becoming Kayne is… accumulating other parts of Gods? Mr Scratch maybe - Arthur might be strong enough to keep charge of his body and Scratch just lives in his mind like Yellow did (if his plans with the stone go badly).

#uh so yeah this still has several plot holes I think. But it’s a possible scenario #and I don’t know how to feel about it. #I tend not to read a lot timeloop stuff in media? #Mostly the constant unwavering existentialism gets to me #but this is somewhere I can see it Actually Work in a really compelling way #anyway if anyone want to add to this theory and post I would really enjoy it! #This is my first major theory for the fandom. So yeah any extra details would be great thanks :D #malevolent #malevolent podcast #malevolent theory #long post #ask answered! #edgar!tag #masked #<- I don’t want Harlan seeing this post #kayne malevolent #kayne timeloop theory #<- that’s my tag for this #if anyone else has done this theory before: sorry I didn’t see it! But great that we think alike!

[velvetjune]

Spoilers for Alan Wake/Control games and DLCs: one of the things I really like in Alan Wake 2 is the confirmation that, no, Alan can’t create something out of nothing. There were implications in-story that supported that, but it was good to have that be a big part in the sequel. The AWE control dlc easily made it seem like Alan himself had a role in the events of the game and the formation of the FBC, and, personally, seeing it through that lens cheapened a lot of the game and Jesse’s story. Instead, having his writing influence the Hiss and try to manipulate (even out of desperation) Jesse/the FBC to end Hartman and get help, fit right into plot and conflicts of Alan Wake 2, with Alan being sympathetic, but also an asshole for trying to change and control people’s lives in his writing.

#since the awe dlc dropped I was slightly worried that it was going the meta route of Alan writing everything in control #but since Alan wake 2 I’ve been. thank god that wasn’t the case 😭 #this way makes everything more complicated and mysterious. which I appreciate. makes everything creepier #will say. it’s still wild how much Alan can influence the narrative. #light spoilers for the final draft but—> makes me think of the writers room video where he doesn’t know what he’ll be at the spirals end #like I don’t think he’ll be Evil or anything. but it’s unnerving #might delete #Alan Wake 2 my beloved #so many times in that game it could’ve gone a direction that would’ve lessened or soured the story but somehow it didn’t lmao #more game spoilers but for ex: Alice coming back at the end instead of leaving it with her demise in the documentary #when I first saw that it was devastating. but also wasn’t sure what to feel if that’s how she’s gone from the story #having her actually manipulate her photos. become art to make Alan think she died. go to the dark place and help him and saga #that last video left me Speechless it was so good. #esp after how much I disliked Control (spoilers here) for quickly ending with Dylan in a coma and not much else. #could not be happier with how the AW2 ending played out and the clear love for all its characters #REALLY hope that Control 2 ends in a good or interesting place. give dylan some focus! #not tagging this bc I’m just yelling my thoughts. but knowing tumblr it will somehow be seen on every tag 😵‍💫

[seafleece]

i’ve been relistening to both the palisade and partizan soundtracks a lot lately, both because i’m catching up on palisade and lately it’s had plenty of implications for both seasons as a whole and because i’m slowly writing my own hack/setting/something about screaming mechs and i think the thing that strikes me listening the second time to partizan is how different it feels when you think of each synth as the voice of a mech or divine that is Screaming and Afraid and Alive. or just like. the sound of metal being Used. how scary would the sound of welding be to a robot. do the columnar or divines or any other synthetic people hear the constant alarms on ships like icebreaker or palisade and hear screaming. the way humans hear screaming in death whistles. posthumanism will not save you from body horror and from witnessing horrors made of flesh or seeing bodies corrupted destroyed and used. and in fact you are even more vulnerable. or something.

#anyway. #(SPOILERS IN TAGS) #i love how The Motion sound has been used across the seasons #and going back to partizan she sounds scary but knowing what happens to her #the screams also sound afraid. #anyway. mechs and metal and god. and crying. #i think you could bet money on if it’s what i’m thinking about at any given moment. #also. the way the perennial/autonomy can be heard in the background of partizan songs #she’s there. she’s watching. she’s seen it before. and she’s so old and so desperate. #i think if valence knew what she was. they would have been so different. but also maybe exactly the same. #i think they and the branched might mourn for her more than anyone else in the universe #perennial didn’t just think autonomy would save partizan. #she thought autonomy would save her. #and it wasn’t enough. #friends at the table #f@tt #partizan #palisade #gur. valence. phrygian. figure. #like. maybe the reason brnine has made it this far is that they ARE organic. #whereas the other four they/them users. have directly interacted with their bodies as tools separate from their minds or souls. #seen or feared them being manipulated.

[kookies-cookie-ao3]

Rating: E | SPRING OF 1990 by Dimi_Stan (Kookies_Cookie) — me!

Summary:

Eddie and Steve realize they’re ready for a baby. They also get pretty silly when it doesn’t immediately work out, but whatever.

Tags:

Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson

Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Omega Steve Harrington, Alpha Eddie Munson, slight angst, but like barely, Vaginal Sex, Masturbation, Pregnancy Kink, Breeding Kink, Bottom Steve Harrington, Top Eddie Munson, theyre trying for a baby :p, Porn with Feelings, Idiots in Love

Note: My works are locked from readers that do not have Ao3 accounts.

#steddie #steddie fic #steddie a/b/o #omega steve harrington #alpha eddie munson #steddie smut #stranger things #stranger things fic #I’ve had this account forever but never cross posted my non-kpop fics #a friend suggested I do so my works will get traction so uh #hi? if there are any fellow Steddie a/b/o writers out there I am waving like a kid #ao3 #don’t know how else to tag this lmao #I don’t know what I’m doing lmao I tried to share from ao3 and it didn’t really work so #I’m trying my best #wtf ever #bottom steve harrington #top eddie munson

[kaleigh-color]

Mas selfies

Sorry it’s cold now so I take wayyyy less selfies

#me #my face #ask #asked #asks #answered #anon #my hair faded soooo much too #I had never dyed it before so I didn’t know how it would take #I bought more dye though #so my hair will be super cute again soon #anyways this was me meeting up with a friend I made online #sooooo yeah #idk if I have anything else to write in here #the tags are my personal log #sorry for answering late I forget I have an ask sometimes #hope you have a great day!!!

[mommyhorror]

Haven’t seen it yet but what are the radblr takes on the Barbie movie 🍿

#Barbie #I ask because everyone blatantly says it’s feminist #And I’m curious how it actually is just because Amy schumer was originally going to play Barbie and that makes more sense to me #Just assuming that she would do it very tongue in cheek #Plus I like Amy’s sense of humor and way of acting so I would have enjoyed it #But anyways I think people have been hyping up Margot for her physical perfection #I’ve heard that moreso than any other take #But didn’t Barbie mattel literally make a ‘huge’ shift in their product atleast for PR reasons recently? #Most Barbie’s I see in stores are different body shapes and sizes #Which I know supporting actors are playing #Idk there’s just something itchy for me and I’m curious if someone else has parsed this out #Living in the tags section rn sorry and thanks again lmao for reading #Greta gerwig #margot Robbie #amy schumer #Radblr

[witchking-jr]

hey beloved gremlins of the web site.

I’m pondering escape and freedom from the psychological torture of fundamentalism this fine evening, and if you too escaped that maze, tell me about it.

Among people who grew up in fundamentalist religious environments and ended up leaving, you hear a lot, and rightfully so, about the trauma and grief and lost experiences of growing up that way.

I could tell you all those tales, but not now.

What about the feeling of the crack in the rigid little box, the realization the horizon is not a boundary but a portal, the sudden expansion of the self, your past self, that had the courage and boldness to say fuck it and walk out?

I had a few such moments, but the most vivid was a day in October of 2009. I had ridden my old mountain bike to a Campus Outreach event near the U of M campus. Campus Outreach was the college ministry of Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis, the deeply dysfunctional, patriarchal, and white supremacist church I grew up in.

We played Ultimate Frisbee, a game I hated. As I had for almost my entire time in church culture, I stayed on the sidelines, body buzzing with restless energy, which I now recognize as intuition, telling me to leave, that that place held nothing for me.

I finally, fully, listened. I made some excuse, got on my bike, and rode away. It was raining. And do you know what it fucking felt like?

It felt like that part in Pilgrim’s Progress, when Pilgrim loses his big bag of sins. I felt like I’d lost 70lb of dead weight, physically. I felt the restlessness subside, replaced by euphoria. No one could make me go back, and no one had any real leverage, except fear, and that was feeling like a rotten thread instead of the thick rope it used to be.

I rode back to the West Bank through Dinkytown in a haze of happiness. I was free. I’d freed myself. I hung around church with my family for awhile, out of guilt and habit, but that was the beginning of the end, and the birth of every other beginning: being bisexual, being nonbinary, being non-monogamous, leaving Christianity fully, changing almost every single political view I held, allowing myself to be the artist who had been pounding on the walls since I could hold a crayon. Changing myself and being changed so radically that it still makes my head spin, well over a decade later.

Fundie Christians love the narrative that someone who left Christianity was tempted, corrupted, deceived. In reality I’d realized I could fit thru the bars of the cage, the prison guard was a dead scarecrow husk, and the big scary gate was barred with a toothpick.

And since that day, I can tell you from the deepest part of my soul: every part of my life got better. Every single thing.

So tell me, where were you when you realized you were free?

#ex christian #ex fundamentalist #queer stuff #and I didn’t know then #I didn’t know #that I was not i only running AWAY but TOWARDS #towards the great loves of my life #towards politics that valued thriving and life instead of death #towards magic and witchcraft and all the glorious expanse spirituality can have #towards community that faced state terror and violence and remained #with compassion and fierceness and endurance #idk how else to tag this shit. #my writing #the soundtrack to this was Space Song by Beach House #over and over and over again #that big soaring steel bit in the background