#I can’t pick what kinds of movies Merlin and Arthur like

[noodles-and-tea]

Back at it with my enchanted merthur shenanigans

#when Merlin goes to work #(I am undecided on what he does but I think he does have a job (probably a librarian I’d that’s not TOO cliche…)) #he sets Arthur up with a bunch of history books and documentaries to try get him up to date (as much as he can) #and in the evenings they watch all Merlin’s favourite tv shows and movies #I can’t pick what kinds of movies Merlin and Arthur like #I get the feeling they both like pride and prejudice but I’m also biased #I think Arthur would like murder mysteries #ALSO If anyone’s got any fics where Merlin introduces Arthur to modern society please please PLEASE GIVE THEM TO ME #my art #bbc merlin #merlin #merlin emrys #arthur pendragon #merthur

[remythologise]

please rank your gay ships based on how bad thekr first time havifn sex would be thank you

a short selection of SOME gay ships from western live action on a RELATIVE score ranking because we don’t have time or space for all the rest: charles/erik: charles is literally a telepath. their first time having sex is 15/10 even if both of them cry and erik gives himself an injury it doesn’t take away from how out of this world the sex is

hannibal/will: 13/10 for the 13 people that died right before it happened. I am so sorry to tell you this but they are BOTH so into it and there is so much blood.

alexander/hephaistion: over two millennia of people saying alexander was cuntstruck by hephaistion’s thighs so I guess that first messy 12/10 handjob was astronomically good for alexander.

tos kirk/spock: kirk is very kind and gentle with spock here even though spock’s losing his goddamn mind about it. kirk, in fairness, ALSO loses his goddamn mind about it a bit. not for nothing are they based on the above two historical figures. 11/10 lewd handholding

xena/gabrielle: including women on this list as a comparison point. it’s so 10/10 good and they are so normal and communicative about their needs, wants and feelings

post-15.18 destiel: might be sort of normal actually. a bit awkward at first, but given cas is an angel and blows out some lights along with dean’s back I’ll give it a solid 9/10 that can only get better from here.

flint/silver: 8/10 sadly they’re both so in love with each other and work so well together it overrides all of the gaslight gatekeep girlboss manipulations and mindgames that have or will go on, even if they’ll never admit that!

steve/tony: picking one universe and saying ultimates, ults steve is homophobically trembling the whole time and ults tony is bitter and jaded and laughs derisively at the situation after steve comes. 3/10 objectively but a 9/10 experience for steve (previously had not had gay sex) and a 7/10 experience for tony (he’s a masochist)

holmes/watson: holmes is too in his head about it and watson doesn’t know if he likes gay sex yet. 6/10 love that dare not speak its name is still very sexy for all involved

house/wilson: they know way too much about anatomy for this to be bad, BUT never underestimate the power of them derailing the experience by arguing with each other and bringing up death before anyone even gets off. 5/10

kim/harry: oh this is ABSOLUTELY what you’d expect (harry full on losing it not even halfway in and sobbing violently) but it is saved by the fact harry can near-read kim’s mind even if he doesn’t know what kim’s mind means half the time. 4/10, +0.5 modifier (kim really trusts you)

nandor/guillermo: also 4/10, neither of them communicates about their kinks. guil makes a secret action plan of how the next time can be better, except nandor then immediately goes off and hooks up with some other love of his life

merlin/arthur: 5/10 sloppy blowjob by merlin that gets a downgrade to 3/10 because somehow in sucking arthur off he also managed to doom magic, all other gay people and the entire working class

geralt/jaskier: 2/10 geralt is thinking about yennefer’s breasts the whole time. sorry he can’t help it blame the djinn probably

aos kirk/spock (or any pre-movies version of tos): somehow kirk spends the whole time convincing himself it’s just a casual thing for a literal vulcan. spock spends the whole time trying not to kill kirk and then thinks he’s gravely injured him AND disgusted him with the scale of his aggressive desire. 1/10 they both get off but it’s physically painful and both are miserable about it

endverse destiel: dean is SOOOO angry and revolted with both himself and castiel. absolute 0/10 that never happens again.

dishonourable mentions for the hell of it:

aziraphale/crowley: whatever neil gaiman said about them never having sex because they’re beyond that or whatever. -10/10 they don’t qualify

#thanks sadie. #kira for ts #this post brought to you by me just recently reading cherik fic. miss them. #again this was a specific selection of ships. really aziraphale/crowley should not be on here #and I KNOW there are ships missing but you know askbox IS open if you want to know specifics (sadie.) #ask #quote unquote #anonymous

[ladystrallan]

Once Upon a Time season 5A thoughts

I’m rewatching OUAT and I wanted to share some of my opinions on each season!

- The random girl shushing his ominous speech is so funny

- Wow he just poofed into dust

- Omg the end of excalibur is the dagger

- “Mate don’t” idk why but that is funny

- “We need someone wicked” yassss

- Omg the rose

- Wow iconic move to cut her hand off to remove the bracelet

- She is so good at manipulating everyone

- Gaslight gatekeep girlboss

- “Accent’s a bit much no?” Lol rumple

- “Out dwarves, adults only” Regina…

- “Well… you don’t look like a crocodile” why is this episode so funny

- Okay I remember really not liking Arthur and the whole Camelot plot line

- OUAT loves a memory loss plot

- Omg dark emma

- She’s got a cool look

- Not dopey turning into a tree

- OMG WHAT IS THAT THING???

- Hook: Emma look at me this isn’t you

- Of course she can’t dance

- Omg that guy is evil or something

- A demon sent from the underworld… hmmmm I feel like I know a hot guy from there

- I seriously can’t wait for 5b to see my man <3

- Omg Henry and Violet is so cute (I remember liking them together)

- He whips out the ipod lol

- This song is kind of a bop

- Omg she destroyed his village

- I guess there was a Robin fake out death before it actually happened

- Can you make the price like a dollar or something? Or does it have to be of equal value

- “WE’VE BEEN VIOLATED” lol

- “Have you thought about kissing it out?” Omg that’s so funny

- Regina is such a hypocrite

- She has done things just as bad if not worse than what Zelena did and yet she deserves redemption and Zelena doesn’t???

- “I wished him happy just not with my wife” lol

- “What’s that then” “It’s a picture from up inside Zelena” “Woah mate” I’M DYING

- Arthur is giving me Louis from Versailles vibes

- And if you’ve seen my Versailles thoughts, you know how I feel about Louis (I hate him)

- Noooo not on her birthday

- DAVID NO DON’T TRUST HIM

- Omg they kissed

- I mean, if you’re neglecting your wife it’s kinda understandable if she cheats

- “Well, there’s this girl” “Is there indeed?” Loved the delivery Killian

- “Is that your dad?” “No it’s my horse” lol

- That’s sinister, using magic to keep your wife from leaving you

- Arthur is such an asshole omg

- Omg Merida is back

- “I need you to make him brave” wow that’s what her movie is called

- Ooh that’s Merlin

- I’m pretty sure he was talking about Nimue (and she was the first dark one)

- Well that’s a way to meet the dad

- “When this kingdom is attacked by ogres” WHY IS IT ALWAYS OGRES???

- Awwww that’s cute a little date

- “Um hi milady” lol

- Not the friend zone

- This is giving me so much second hand embarrassment

- Taunting rumple with belle is the way to make him brave

- She is his courage… that’s so cute

- Love the arrow in the intro

- Wow I guess no one cares about rumple then

- Slay belle for standing up for him

- NO NOT THE CHIPPED CUP

- Please tell me they can fix it :(

- NOOOOO DON’T KILL BELLE

- I do like the idea of rumple being all heroic for her

- Omg I’m crying this is so sweet

- Zelena and Emma team up??? Iconic

- YASSSS RUMPLE

- “He’s not my sweetheart” I think he is belle ;)

- OMG SLAY RUMPLE

- “You saved me” “Actually I think you saved me” AWWWWWWWW

- “I would change everything for you” screaming

- YASSSSSS RUMPLE PULLING THE SWORD

- I’m a slut for good rumple (or just rumple in general lol)

- I do miss him having magic though

- Why is Zelena so slay all the time?

- The outfits, the acting, the trickery, 10/10

- Emma’s lucky she didn’t get the dark one skin condition

- She just got a bleach job and a new outfit

- Arthur is such a dickhead omg i can’t stand him

- Lol Rumple’s Merlin impression

- Zelena was like switched sides? Time for an outfit change

- Omg she’s going into labour

- Why does every evil person want a baby? How many dark spells require that?

- Omg the house that he picked

- “Did someone scream for a doctor?” Yasssss Dr Whale is back!

- Did he go to the same hair salon as Emma lol

- Yassss mulan is back!

- Mulan and Merida: iconic team up

- RUBY!

- So many characters I love are back this season :)

- OMG IT WAS ARTHUR

- Me anytime I see Arthur: “Dickhead”

- OMG RUMBELLE

- MY HEART

- THEY ARE SO CUTE

- Regina & co are actually so awful to Zelena about this whole baby thing

- Like I get that it’s Robin’s baby but it’s hers too

- And I’m pretty sure being away from the mother is bad for a baby’s development

- Like at least let her visit with supervision

- I guess when you become the dark one you immediately know how to use magic

- Ok I guess they are letting her see her baby

- SHE CAME TO THE WELL

- NOOOOOOOO

- Was not expecting the break up part 2 :(

- Me sobbing

- How is she pregnant in 5b though???

- They must get together by the end of 5a

- Catch me opening the underworld portal so I can see my man <3

- The visual of all the dark ones sitting in the boat together is so funny to me

- It’s giving summer camp vibes

- “The underworld is worse than you could possibly imagine” uhhhh no rumple my true love is there so I think it’s pretty great

- Awwww rumple sending her to see the world

- NOOOOOO RUMPLE IS MARKED

- That’s actually so vile to send her away so she literally CANNOT SEE HER BABY

- Slay move by hook

- Rip (until he gets resurrected)

- Belle didn’t leave!

- THEY’RE KISSING

- YASSSSSSS

- And the baby was conceived ;)

- Rumple being the dark one again, kinda slay

- Kind of bad for his redemption arc though

- “I will always find you” we love a good iconic line

- I am so excited to see Hades!!! Love of my life (and death)

How I feel about the characters this season

Love: RUMPLE (10/10 character development), Belle, Zelena, Dr Whale, Merida

Like: Emma, Hook, Mulan, Ruby, Nimue (idk she’s kinda cool)

Neutral: Snow, David, Merlin, Guinevere, Henry

Dislike: Regina, Robin

Hate: Arthur

Season rating: 6/10

Firstly, I HATE ARTHUR AND I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL HE’S DEAD. I don’t care for the Camelot arc, but I do like dark Emma and Rumple got some really good character development (even though he went back to being the dark one). I also like Merida and it was nice to see Ruby, Dr Whale, and Mulan again. Gets an extra 0.5 for setting up my absolute favourite arc in the show (the underworld)

#ouat thoughts #once upon a time season 5a #once upon a time #ouat 5a #once upon a time season 5 #emma swan #zelena mills #zelena #zelena ouat #regina mills #killian jones #captain swan #rumplestiltskin #belle french #rumbelle #ruby lucas #ouat mulan #ouat merida #dr whale #outlaw queen #ouat camelot #dark swan #the dark one #henry mills

[mayakern]

I saw on your Twitter you play dnd! What kind of character do you play and what system? Also, do you do your own commissions of your characters or do you get it from other artists?

oh hell yeah i love dnd!!! i mostly just play 5E but my regular group did our second session in city of mists last night and it was SUPER fun (we play that instead of our ongoing game whenever our aussie players can’t make it)

i don’t usually reuse dnd characters because even tho i love my characters, they usually all end up with their own history and relationship to their games so adapting them feels weird, but here’s a run down of some of my favorite characters i’ve played! (and ye all this art is by me)

1. anenome (or nem for short)

she’s a water genasi arcane trickster rogue/divination wizard. she’s from a game where we started out playing kids (nem was 11) and then after a Big Event had an 11 year time skip where everyone in the party had to separate before a big reunion. she used to be a really shy and sweet and optimistic kid, but after everything fell apart and she became an accidental criminal, she stopped believing in any sort of fairness in the world and grew up super jaded and nihilistic, tho she still strives to protect that spark of optimism in others (not that she’d admit that). she is SUPER SUPER gay and is married to flare (fire genasi sorcerer). they have a bunch of history and i love them a lot!

2. nora

this is my city of mists character!! she’s a twitch streamer/cam girl/only fans model/l33t h4x0r. she’s clever and compassionate and very silly and a bit gross. part of her backstory is that when she was a relatively new twitch streamer, someone tried to cyberbully her by calling her a “garfield looking ass motherfucker” and so she immediately dyed her hair orange and made that her entire persona just to fuck with them (thus the custom garf headset).

3. hemlock

hemlock is an onomancy wizard! she was made for a storybook game — essentially all the characters lived on a bookshelf in someone’s home and can travel between books.

when characters travel into a new book, especially if it’s an “active” book (i.e. currently being read), they get assigned a role that is both available and closest to their archetype (so, as a wizard, if hemlock entered a book of king arthur’s tales she would likely be assigned as morrigan or merlin if available, or another magic user if not).

hemlock herself was from a story where her family (two sisters and her mother) were turned from good witches/princesses (it was unclear) into evil hags/witches and hemlock bartered her name (and right eye) to keep her mind/heart/goodness.

the onomancy wizard subclass is SUPER interesting and fun and is all about the naming of things and works super well with fairytale stuff (which i love). tbh i REALLY want to play hemlokc more. that game was insanely fun and ended prematurely due to scheduling difficulties. i just don’t think there is another game setting that would ever work for her bc she is so specific.

4. althea

my most recent character is althea! she’s an aasimar grave cleric. she woke up in a morgue about two weeks ago (in game time) and instantly fell in love with the mortician who discovered she was still(?) alive. she has no memories of her past (and tbh no real desire to go looking for them). she is smart but also a dumb ass, has 6 charisma and no sense of self preservation and is completely and utterly in love with rosemary (the mortician, now barkeep) and will literally do anything she wants, no questions asked (and will even do things she THINKS rosemary wants unasked... such as maybe yoinking a very obviously cursed goblet from a ritual circle of living corpses in literally the first game session just bc she thought rosemary would think it was cool).

5. penny

penny was my first long-term dnd character! she was my third dnd character ever but in a lot of ways i consider her my first because the other two were run primarily in 4E and didn’t meet often enough (or just enough period) for me to get a grasp on them or the game mechanics.

penny is a light domain cleric. she was made for a buddy cop game i joined randomly on roll20 because i couldn’t find a consistent group to meet with IRL. i was super nervous to join a random game with strangers but really wanted to play dnd so i gave it a shot and i am SO glad i did because i still play with that group! or.. what became of that group. it started out as a group of me and a bunch of strangers, but i quickly made friends with the DM and one of the other players, then devin joined a couple months in, and slowly original players left for various reasons and we invited other ppl in (a couple of my friends, the other longterm player’s gf, etc) and now that is the main group i still play with! (nem and nora and a bunch of my other characters are from games w that group)

when the game was open for player/character apps, we were asked to pitch what role our character would play in a buddy cop movie and i picked the straight man archetype (haha i know). penny is very sweet and shy and wholesome.

i have a bunch of other characters, most of which can be found on toyhouse, but this post is already way too long as is! whoops!

#ask #maya draws things #dnd #oc #long post #maya rambles

[artemis-pendragon]

wait if you have the time would you mind expanding on the parallels between achilles and patroclus and the ships you mentioned?

OH GOD YES I WOULD LOVE TO THANKS FOR ASKING!! The English Major in me jumped out so here's an absolute novel lmao:

Hannibal/Will:

Hannibal and Will are the easiest to draw direct parallels to because they are textually compared to Achilles and Patroclus in canon. Hannibal draws himself as Achilles and Will as Patroclus, then (because apparently he’s never heard of subtlety) shows it to Will.

Hannibal says that hiding and revealing identities is a major theme in the Iliad. Will asks Hannibal to reveal himself to Jack Crawford; in the same episode, Hannibal begins to suspect that Will has betrayed him, hiding his true intentions behind a façade to bait Hannibal into being captured by the FBI. However, Will isn’t even sure himself what his real intentions and identity is, and eventually betrays the FBI and runs away with Hannibal.

After Hannibal realizes that Will betrayed him (which is also the episode after he talks about how they’re like Achilles and Patroclus), he stabs Will in the stomach. Patroclus was killed after being stabbed in the stomach.

Hannibal and Will’s blurring identities is a major theme throughout the show. Just as Patroclus takes on Achilles’s identity on the field of war, Will takes on Hannibal’s identity in many ways—both intentionally, and unintentionally.

Patroclus dies wearing Achilles’s armor. Will is accused of being the Chesapeake Ripper, imprisoned, and could have been executed for Hannibal’s crimes if Hannibal hadn’t interfered.

Hannibal is a god-adjacent character, while Will is his more human counterpart. Will is Hannibal’s tether to his humanity, just as Patroclus is Achilles’s.

Just like Achilles couldn’t stand to be parted from Patroclus, Hannibal chose to let Will pull him off a cliff to their (probable) deaths. Hannibal would rather die with Will than live without him.

There is a significant amount of water imagery in this show. Will especially has a lot of ties to water: he likes to fish (his mind palace is initially shown to be a stream); he’s knowledgeable about boats and sailing (he sails across the Atlantic to find Hannibal); his dreams and hallucinations often include water and/or blood; he pulled Hannibal off a cliff into the ocean in a last ditch attempt to kill them both; etc. The story of Achilles also has lots of water-related motifs since Achilles’s mother, Thetis, is a sea nymph/goddess of water.

Hannibal didn’t become overtly vicious and violent toward the Great Red Dragon until he threatened to kill (and then actually stabbed) Will. Then he went totally feral and (literally) ripped Dolarhyde’s throat out. This reminds me of Achilles losing his mind and killing then mutilating Hector after Hector killed Patroclus.

Steve/Bucky:

Steve and Bucky have the “legendary beloved heroic superhuman soldier” and “childhood friend turned war companion” parallel down to a T. Steve is like Achilles: he is a born soldier who wants to fight for his country, starting out idealistic and becoming worn down and jaded by war over time. Bucky is far more reluctant to go to war but follows Steve back onto the battlefield because he believes in Steve and wants to keep him safe—especially from his own reckless righteousness. This is very similar to Patroclus’s desire to follow Achilles to war mostly out of a desire to protect and guide him away from his self-destructive, hot-headed tendencies.

Just as Patroclus put on Achilles’s armor to fight (and die) in his place on the battlefield, Bucky picks up and wields Steve’s shield just before he falls off the train to his apparent death.

Steve starts out saying that he doesn’t want to kill anybody, but after Bucky “dies”, he vows not to stop until every member of Hydra is either killed or captured. This is similar to Achilles’s reaction to Patroclus’s death, where he goes mad with grief and kills everyone in his path to get to Hector, who he then violently kills.

Additionally, after killing Hector, Achilles continues to fight recklessly until someone kills him. Similarly, Steve keeps fighting to stop Hydra but ultimately goes down with the aircraft carrying the bombs, allowing himself to drown/freeze. There’s probably ways he could have gotten out of that situation, but instead he kind of just gives in and lets himself “die” (at least that’s my interpretation).

The Captain America movies also have some interesting water imagery. Bucky falls to his “death” in a ravine, most likely falling into the frozen stream. Steve “drowns” after he crashes the plane into the ocean; in The Winter Soldier, Steve falls from the helicarrier into the Potomac, and Bucky jumps in after him. Again, the story of Achilles also contains water-related motifs due to Achilles’s mother being a sea nymph; I’m sure I could write an entire essay about these parallels before I figure out how to verbalize why this is interesting, but I’m too lazy to right now lol.

Arthur/Merlin:

Again, just like with Steve and Bucky, this is an obvious case of “famous royal golden hero of legends” and “less well-known but ultimately extremely important companion who follows him to war”. Like Achilles and Patroclus, Arthur and Merlin meet before Arthur is a famous warrior and become friends long before the “big war” that ultimately tears them apart.

Arthur and Achilles might be the famous warriors, but Merlin and Patroclus are the kind-hearted, brave, fiercely loyal companions who serve both as a fellow warrior on the battlefield, and as a moral compass. Just as Achilles looks to Patroclus for advice and as a tether to the humility and importance of humanity in the face of a great destiny, Arthur looks to Merlin.

Both Patroclus and Merlin seem at first to be ordinary men who (in the eyes of most casual observers) aren’t worthy of Achilles/Arthur’s friendship. However, they both become legendary figures of their own, without whom their legendary heroic counterparts would never have survived.

As I mentioned in the section about Hannibal and Will, the theme of hiding and revealing identities is very important in the story of Achilles and Patroclus. One of the biggest plot points in Merlin is that Merlin can’t reveal that he has magic; he doesn’t do so until the last episode, once Arthur has been mortally wounded.

Just as Patroclus always believed that Achilles would live up to his great destiny, Merlin always believed in Arthur. And even though Arthur didn’t know about Merlin’s true potential and role in his rise to the throne, Arthur believed that Merlin was one of the best, most courageous men he’d ever met. This reminds me o Achilles referring to Patroclus as Philtatos (in The Song of Achilles), meaning “best of men”.

In an inverted parallel, Arthur is the one who is stabbed and ultimately dies. Although Achilles does eventually die in war, it isn’t until after Patroclus dies. It is then implied that they will eventually meet again someday, just as Achilles and Patroclus would meet again in the afterlife after their ashes were mingled together.  

Dean/Cas:

In this relationship, Dean is very much the “reckless hero with a pre-ordained-by-the-gods destiny who is actually very flawed and carries a lot of self-doubt” and Cas is the “companion with a heart of gold who is almost embarrassingly devoted to the hero and will do anything for him”.

For Dean/Cas, there is also the parallel of struggling with a toxic parental figure who demands too much while also being emotionally absent and manipulative. For Dean, this is John Winchester, and for Achilles, this is Thetis. Cas also struggles with his relationship with his father (who is literally God lmao) and his desire to be a good soldier vs. his desire to do what’s right and to protect the man he loves.

Patroclus strives to help Achilles see that he’s more than just a weapon, and Cas and Dean both do this for each other: Dean helps Cas realize that he’s more than just another emotionless soldier of heaven, and Cas helps Dean realize he’s more than “daddy’s blunt instrument” (the phrasing of which I will still be laughing at in my grave. Thanks, CW.)

Dean’s godly destiny as Michael’s vessel is determined before he’s even born. Achilles’s godly destiny is also determined before he’s born, and neither one really has any say in it.

Patroclus ultimately dies in Achilles’s place, and Cas does the same for Dean many times. When Cas decides to help Dean escape heaven and try to save Sam and stop the apocalypse, he sacrifices himself to help Dean get away. Of the many times Cas puts his life on the line, it’s usually either to help Dean, or to save him. This is reminiscent of how Patroclus did almost everything not in the name of winning the war, or even the greater good (although he was obviously a good person), but to protect Achilles and keep him from getting himself killed.

Whenever Cas is dead, Dean’s mental health visibly deteriorates. He becomes more violent and unpredictable—a worse version of himself—just as Achilles did after Patroclus died.

Just as Patroclus acts as a tether to humanity for Achilles, Cas and Dean both act as tethers to humanity for each other. Cas pulls Dean out of Hell, restoring his humanity, and Dean helps Cas shrug off his emotionless angel identity and find some humanity of his own.

TLDR: Reckless blonde hero (or villain) with a legendary destiny/reputation and badass fighting skills + their viciously loyal brunette companion-slash-lover who's willing to die for them at a moment's notice = good shipping material

#i literally can't help myself literary parallels are my favorite thing #hannigram #stevebucky #merthur #destiel #stucky #patrochilles #hannibal #merlin #spn #supernatural #tsoa #patroclus and achilles #literary parallels #meta #kind of #artemis speaks #long post

[pillage-and-lute]

Hey I have a holiday prompt for you! What if it’s the pairing’s first holiday together and they stress about figuring out what to get each other? Any pairing you feel like! PS Reading your stuff never fails to put a smile on face!💜💜💜

Hi Blondey!

cute shit ahead. Modern AU

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Yen,” I swear,” Geralt panted into the phone. “It’s an emergency. Please, I need your help.”

“No.”

“Yen please I’m actually begging.”

“You should have thought to beg before Christmas Eve.”

“I’m meeting him tonight, Yennefer, I’m on Wilson Street, with all the shops and I’m so lost, please.”

“No.”

“I’ll set you up with Jaskier’s hot friend. The one from the coffee shop. She’s single.”

“...I’m on my way.”

-- -- -- Across Town, Triss and Jaskier’s Apartment -- -- -- 

“I just thought I’d have more time to get him a gift,” Jaskier wailed, draped dramatically over Triss’ beat up armchair. “And then it was thanksgiving, then finals and it’s Christmas eve and I don’t have a gift.”

“Well,” Triss said, sipping her cocoa and barely looking up from her book. “It’s not noon yet, shops aren’t all closed. What kind of gift does your relationship need?”

“What?” Jaskier looked up from his flop of despair, confused. 

“I mean, if you’d been dating for a month it would be slippers or some scotch or something.”

“We’ve been dating eight months though!” Jaskier wailed. “I love him, Trissy, desperately. I see his face and everything goes all pink and mushy.”

“You should get that checked out.”

“No, I mean,” Jaskier sat up and looked at her. “I think he could be the one. He might be it for me.”

Triss looked up from her book. She’d known Jaskier since university, and his heart had always been so mobile, but there was something shining in his eyes. She shrugged mentally. Put it down to a Christmas miracle, but Jaskier was really in love.

“What does he like?”

Jaskier huffed. “He likes being grumpy.”

“And?”

“Me.” He paused for thought. “His horse, Roach, he loves riding. He loves his goddaughter, and mythology.”

“Lord of the Rings nerd?”

“Oh you have no idea, he’s basically Aragorn if Aragorn had albinism.”

“I know a place,” Triss said, getting up. “Put on your coat.”

“Will it be open?” Jaskier asked anxiously, pulling his boots on.

“They live above the shop,” Triss said, throwing his scarf at him. “I know the owners, I’ll just shoot them a text.”

-- -- -- Back on the other side of town -- -- --

“Okay,” Yennefer said. “And you’re sure the hot barista is single?”

“Triss,” Geralt said. “And yes, apparently she’s been crying about it to Jaskier for ages.”

“Right, let’s go looking,” Yennefer said, looking remarkably cheerful.

The rows of shops were mostly open for last minute shoppers and Geralt and Yennefer fought through them. 

Well, Geralt fought. Yennefer just glared and people moved out of her way. 

“Does he cook?” Yennefer asked, pointing at a cookware store.

“Ramen and box mac n cheese,” Geralt said.

“You said he likes clothes?” A very full store with what could only be called hipster clothing.

“He has lots of clothes I want something...special,” Geralt said. He was trying not to lose hope.

“You really like this one.”

“I do, you met him he’s just...bright,” Geralt said, mumbling a little into his scarf as the wind blew a flurry at him.

“Hey, look at the music shop on the corner,” Yenn said. “I’m down here all the time, I’ve never noticed it before.”

Neither had Geralt. “Is it new?” It didn’t look new. It looked nearly condemned.

“You said he loves music,” Yennefer said, stomping in the direction of the store.

“I dunno, that store looks...”

“He loves music,” she said. “And you love him.”

They entered the store.

-- -- -- Triss and Jaskier -- -- --

“How the hell did you find this place?”

“I told you,” Triss said, matter of factly. “I know the owners. They’ll be down any minute to open it up.”

“They’re opening it up just for us?” Jaskier asked guiltily. It was Christmas eve after all.

“They owe me,” Triss said. “I introduced them. Well...reintroduced.”

“Welcome to The Sword in the Stone, Gifts and Novelties,” grinned a young man with very blue eyes and slightly large ears, opening the door. Behind him a blonde young man grinned cheerfully too, he was wearing a santa hat.

“Hi,” Jaskier said, stepping gratefully inside. “It’s a pleasure, I’m Jaskier.”

“Merlin,” said the young man who’d opened the door. 

“Arthur,” the blonde waved.

“Seriously?”

The pair just shrugged. Well, Jaskier, called Buttercup/Dandelion/Julian/a lot of other things, wasn’t about to tell people what to call themselves.

“I hear you need a gift for that special someone,” the blonde -Arthur- said, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Yeah, he loves fantasy stuff and I just... I don’t know what to get him.”

“Gotcha,” Arthur began to lead him back into the shop. Merlin and Triss were chatting by the door. 

“Were you thinking bigger, got a lovely cardboard cutout of Viggo Mortensen?”

Jaskier pictured Aragorn watching them have sex from the corner of Geralt’s little studio apartment. “Maybe smaller but kind of...niche?”

“Lucky you, this place if full of niche,” Arthur said cheerfully. 

Jaskier looked at the wall full of swords and was that a battle axe? “Yeah...”

“Does he wear jewelry?” asked Arthur, jingling a box full of metal in Jaskier’s direction.

“Not really,” Jaskier said. Then something caught his eye. “Wait...” he pulled something out of the box and held it up to the light.

Somehow...it was perfect.

“How much.”

-- -- -- Yen and Geralt -- -- --

“This place looks closed,” Geralt whispered to Yennefer, looking around at the racks of instruments.

“Not closed dearie, just dusty,” came a cheerful voice from right behind Geralt. He and Yennefer jumped.

“Sorry honeys,” said a little old lady with coke bottle glasses. “Got my slippers on, makes me quiet. She shuffled one foot, clad in pink fluff, off the floor as exhibit A. “Gift from my great grandson, aren’t they darling? Now,” she looked at Geralt with laser intensity. “You’d be needing a gift.”

“Um, yes ma’am,” Geralt said. How had she known?

“Ooohoo you need a gift,” said the tiny old woman, “Cause you’s a boy in love.” She nearly cackled. “Follow me honeys!”

Geralt and Yennefer looked at each other, shrugged, and followed. What choice did they have?

“Got a harp,” the shopkeeper called cheerfully. It was indeed a full, standing, concert harp. It had a figurehead on it but the face looked absolutely agonized.

“Maybe not,” Geralt said.

“Hmmm no,” said the lady, shuffling her fluffy slippers. “Bagpipes?”

“He lives in an apartment.”

“That’ll be a no, then,” said the woman, peering at a rack of instruments in the corner. “Aha!” she shrieked, startling Geralt and Yennefer both. 

“This!”

It was perfect.

“I can’t afford it,” Geralt said, feeling hopeless.

“Oh yes you can,” said the little old lady gleefully, if she could Geralt got the sense she would be jumping and clicking her heels. “Nobody wants ‘em these days, this one’s seventy-five percent off!”

Geralt left with a weird shaped package.

-- -- -- Geralt’s studio apartment, evening -- -- --

“Hey,” Jaskier, said, stomping his boots on the mat.

“Hi,” Geralt replied, stealing a kiss. “What’d you tell Triss?”

“Told her I was sending a gift, what’s you tell Yennefer?”

“She’s heading over there now,” Geralt said. “With that movie they both like.”

“Ocean’s 8?”

“That’s the one, and a plate of homemade Christmas cookies.”

Jaskier smiled at Geralt and stole another kiss. “We’re never going to have a moment of peace, now we set them up,” he said. Geralt grinned at him. “Never, but I think we did the right thing.”

They settled in on Geralt’s little loveseat. Jaskier set a wrapped present on the side table. Beside it, on the floor, was a very poorly wrapped mess. Lots of scotch tape was visible. It was quite large.

Jaskier felt panicky.

“Should we,” Geralt said awkwardly. “Do you want to exchange presents now?”

“Sure.” Oh god, Geralt’s gift was so small, and what if he hated it?

“You first?” Geralt said, handing over the odd package.

Jaskier had always been a rip-it-open present person, but he took his time, although there was no salvaging the taped up paper.

“A lute?” he turned to Geralt in delight, face lighting up.

“A lute,” Geralt said. “Is-is that a good thing?”

“Oh my god, Geralt, yes! Oh I love it! I can’t wait to learn it!” Jaskier dropped kisses all over Geralt’s face, careful of his new baby.

He handed Geralt the little package. “It’s not as great but...”

Geralt was a folding kind of person and folded up the wrapping paper carefully, then he opened the box and took out the amulet with the silver wolf’s head.

“Oh,” Geralt said.

Oh. Was that a good oh or a bad oh? Jaskier tried to breathe slowly.

“Jaskier I...” 

Oh no. He hated it.

“It’s perfect.”

What?

“When I was little I thought I’d be a knight,” Geralt said, pale eyes shining. “And I drew wolf’s heads on everything, my crest, I said.”

Geralt was holding up the amulet as if transfixed. 

“Vesemir can show you, he kept the drawings,” Geralt said. Then he slipped the medallion over his head.

“My knight,” Jaskier said. “My wolf.”

Geralt gave a playful growl. Jaskier’s heart thumped a little harder. Geralt must have picked up on something in his eyes because he cocked his head.

“Oh?” he rumbled, low in his chest. “You want a wolf, do you?” He growled again.

Jaskier leapt up, shrieking with laughter and ran to hide in the bathroom. Geralt caught up before he could close the door.

“I’ll huff and I’ll puff,” he said, dragging Jaskier closer and giving him a bear hug. He growled in Jaskier’s ear.

“And I’ll blow your...how does it go?”

“I’m not sure, wolfie,” Jaskier said, pulling Geralt closer by the amulet. “But I think it ends with you eating me all up.”

It was a very merry Christmas indeed.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ope! Idiots! With a random appearance from BBC’s Merlin (In 2020? I guess.) and a little old lady. + the magic of christmas.

#geraskier #geralt x jaskier #the witcher #modern au #christmas #minor merthur mention

[kairos-in-wonderland]

Day 1: Ladies First

Okay, so this is actually the first piece of Merlin based writing I’ve ever posted anywhere and technically (in my time zone) I’m a couple hours late, but this is my day 1 submission for Camelove 2021! I hope that whoever reads this enjoys it - it was originally gonna be about 1000 words but it ended up being about 3500 😅 Here it is!

Pairing: OC/Morgana, with Arwen and Mercelot

Modern AU, fake dating AU

Trigger warnings: forced relationship, arranged marriage (attempted), violence, abuse (mild), homophobia

“Wylla!” someone called after her, and she turned to see Morgana running towards her.

“Morgana,” she greeted as the girl came to a halt in front of her, “are you okay?”

“I really need a favour and I didn’t know who else to ask, can we talk somewhere?” Morgana asked tentatively, and Wylla nodded, dragging her into the currently deserted school theatre, “Brilliant, okay… This is gonna be really weird and it’s okay if you say no – really, it is, I jus-”

“Morgana!” Wylla exclaimed, letting out a short laugh, “Calm down, what do you need?”

“Well, you’re friends with Arthur, he’s told you what my step-father is like?” Wylla nodded for Morgana to continue, “He’s hosting a party this week for investors and he’s trying to set me up with Will Sarrum; he’s the heir to Amata Motors, my step-father wants me to marry him for when he takes over the company, to make sure they continue to use Pendragon Financing.”

“Okay, that’s seriously messed up, but why do you need my help? You need someone from the law a-level classes, not drama, I can’t help you get out of this.”

“But you can,” Morgana was grinning, despite the clear panic flashing in her eyes, “if I were to be dating someone else, he’d struggle to get me to do it. And he’d struggle even more if I were to be dating a girl.”

“Are you suggesting what I think you are?” Wylla laughed.

“Yes. You don’t have to, but I think that Sarrum would be put off dating me if he knew I was dating a girl – his entire family are homophobic bigots.”

“Does Uther know that you’re into girls?”

“I’ve told him, but he doesn’t believe me,” Morgana muttered, and Wylla sighed.

“So, you want me to go to this party with you and pretend to be your girlfriend to a) prove to your dad that you’re a lesbian and b) prevent an arranged marriage that your father wants for a business alliance?”

“That’s pretty much the gist of it, yeah.”

“Okay, I’ll do it,” she said, and Morgana’s eyes widened, “you need this.”

“Oh my god, thank you!” Morgana exclaimed, hugging her tightly, “I owe you so bad for this, how can I make it up to you?”

“Dinner and a movie?” Wylla suggested, “Imagine Uther’s face when you tell him.”

“You are amazing,” Morgana laughed and Wylla joined in, “right, okay. The party is on Saturday, formal dress – I’ll help you decide what to wear – and Geoffrey will pick you up at 4pm. Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“Yeah, of course, and I can’t wait to see Arthur’s face when I show up as your date,” the girls giggled a little and Wylla leaned against the stage, “so, are we keeping up the pretence of this relationship within school? Or just at the party?”

“I think it might be a good idea if we make it look like we’re dating for the next few days within school, otherwise Sarrum and some of our other classmates who will be at the party could suspect that it’s fake. Unless there are people you don’t want to think that you’re dating me?”

“That’s not a problem, Morgana, don’t worry,” she looked up at the clock and groaned, “right, when’s your lunch break? There’s gonna be a class in here for a couple hours but I’m done for the day after that.”

“I’ve got history for two hours so I can meet you here afterwards?” she suggested, and Wylla nodded as her peers started to enter the room, “I’ll see you then,” Morgana pressed a cheek before leaving, and Wylla couldn’t help but blush as the other students looked towards Morgana. To be fair, she was staring too, trying to wrap her head around what she’s just agreed to.

“Was that Morgana?” a voice whispered behind her, breaking her trance.

“Oh, yeah,” Wylla let out a nervous laugh as she turned towards Merlin, “she just popped in to see me before going to her lesson.”

“And since when were you close enough with Morgana for her to think of doing that?” he questioned, and she blushed.

“Uh, since we started dating,” she lied, and his eyes widened, “apparently her step-father is hosting a party on Saturday and she wanted to invite me.”

“Oh yeah, Gwen told me that Arthur’s taking her, to give him a chance to avoid some of the other people who’ll be at the party – all the posh and privileged students who think they’re above us. You do realise that most of Uther’s ‘friends’ are homophobic, right?”

“Why do you think I’m going? Morgana already told Uther, and word is bound to spread about our relationship, I don’t want her to be alone with them for that long,” Wylla argued, and Merlin smiled.

“How long has this been going on?” he asked as they sat down on the edge of the stage, waiting for their teacher to arrive.

“Not long, we’ve kept it a secret till now but we thought it was about time people knew. I’m sorry, I would’ve told you, but-”

“I get it, you wanted to respect her privacy,” Merlin finished for her.

“Yeah. That, and just remember that you didn’t tell me that you were dating Lancelot until you’d dragged me along to three of his and Arthur’s football games.”

“Okay, point proven,” he laughed as their teacher entered the theatre to start the lesson.

The lesson dragged on for Wylla, who was not only eager to see Morgana but also had to endure stares from her classmates because of her new ‘girlfriend’. The whole idea kept going around in her mind – she’d never thought of Morgana in a romantic way before, and yet she couldn’t get the raven-haired girl out of her mind – even when they were meant to be memorising their monologues, her eyes trained on the page, Morgana was the only thing she could think about. She was only woken from her daze when someone clicked in front of her face, “Seriously, Wylla, everyone’s already gone,” Merlin laughed, and she groaned before resting her head in her hands, “how were you that distracted?” she didn’t answer, but she looked up from the table when there was a knock on the theatre’s door which they saw Morgana leaning against, “ah, got it.” Wylla blushed and Merlin grabbed his bag from under the stage.

“See you tomorrow Merlin!” Wylla called as he left and Morgana walked towards her.

“Are you okay?” she asked, and Wylla let out a nervous laugh.

“Yeah, just thinking. Apparently I managed to zone out for most of the lesson.”

“Oh, are you tired? Do you want me to go and get you a coffee or something?” Morgana offered, but Wylla shook her head.

“I’m okay, I was just thinking about us – that is, what we’re going to tell people about us. Merlin asked and I just said that it hadn’t been long, but more people are gonna ask us and we need to be on the same page about this.”

The two girls chatted about what lies to tell and just sat enjoying each other’s company until someone walked into the theatre.

“Morgana!” Arthur called from the door, startling both of them, “What are you doing in here? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you set foot in the theatre, I thought Merlin was joking when he said you were here.”

“Well, I wouldn’t expect you to be paying attention to my whereabouts at all times, Arthur,” Morgana rolled her eyes and subtly reached for Wylla’s hand, “I was just here chatting with Wylla, what do you want?”

“Geoffrey is waiting for us outside, come on,” he beckoned, and Morgana sighed.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said, planting a long, soft kiss on Wylla’s cheek before winking and following Arthur out.

-

A couple days had passed and Wylla still hadn’t decided what to wear so she dragged Merlin and Gwen round to her house in the afternoon to help her decide, “Gwen, what are you going to wear?” she asked as she frantically looked through her wardrobe.

“I don’t know, I’ll probably just decide on the day or the night before,” Gwen admitted, and Wylla groaned, “why are you so worried about this?”

“Because Morgana is gonna look like, well, Morgana and I don’t want to look totally disappointing. We’re going to a party with some of the biggest names in business and the richest kids in our college – they’re all going to hate me for being there because I’m not rich and I don’t want to make Morgana look bad.”

“You won’t be the only person there that isn’t rich,” Gwen reminded her, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder

“But at least you and Arthur are a heterosexual couple, most of Uther’s friends are homophobic bigots. They won’t be focused on you and Arthur when there’s me and Morgana to gossip about,” she sighed, running her hands through her hair.

“How about some kind of suit?” Merlin suggested, walking over to grab a red floral blazer out of her wardrobe, “what’s Morgana wearing?”

“Uh, dark green. She sent me a picture, hold on,” Wylla grabbed her phone out of her pocket and scrolled until the found the picture before passing it to Merlin.

“Okay, yeah, you’re definitely wearing that jacket,” Gwen said, excitement lacing her voice.

“I have matching trousers,” Wylla added and Gwen practically screamed, “are you trying to deafen us?”

“Sorry, sorry. Merlin, find some shoes that could go with the suit,” Gwen reached into the wardrobe and pulled out a plain white shirt before shoving it all into Wylla’s hands, “shoo, go put it on. Oh, make sure it’s inside out!” Gwen grinned as she pushed her friend into the bathroom; Wylla emerged a couple minutes later and Gwen immediately rushed over with a bunch of pins and started tapering the suit.

“What are you doing?” Wylla asked as Gwen busied herself putting pins in the suit.

“You called me to help you choose and outfit and I do textiles – I’m tailoring your suit dummie. You want to look good in front of all of the rich people? This is how you do it. You make the, what, fifty pound suit look like it cost a couple hundred, because it only fits you, not anyone who wears that size.”

“Have I ever told you how amazing you are Gwen?” Wylla laughed, and her friend smirked.

“Now would be a good time.”

“Uh, Wyl, you literally have no shoes that you can wear with this suit,” Merlin added.

“What about my black converse?” Wylla suggested.

“Let me rephrase: you have no shoes that you can wear to this event if you don’t want to look like a basic lesbian hipster,” he said, and both girls laughed, “right, what size are you?”

“Six, why?”

“I’ll be back,” was all he said before walking out, and Wylla saw him get in his car to drive off.

Merlin returned about an hour later with three pairs of heels and forced her to try each of them on, “Can we please go with the short heels? I’m gonna be shorter than Morgana anyway and I don’t wanna kill my feet if I have to stand up for hours.”

“Agreed,” Gwen chipped in, “right, go take off the suit, I’ll give it to you Friday.”

-

Days passed and finally the Pendragons’ chauffeur was driving Wylla to the party – when she arrived it was in front of huge mansion and it was Arthur who opened the car door for her, “Hey Arthur,” she greeted, and they started walking towards the front steps.

“Wylla, are you sure you’re prepared for this?” he asked, putting a hand on her shoulder as the got to the front door, “The rich kids at school will be worse here, and their parents will be ten times worse than that. Geoffrey hasn’t left yet, there’s still time to go home.”

“I promised Morgana that I’d be here, I’m not backing out now,” she said, meeting his gaze as he opened the doors into the hall. Whatever she’d been expecting, it hadn’t been quite as extravagant as what she could see in front of her. Even the entrance hall was bigger than her entire house, and decorated with marble and what was probably solid gold. Everyone there was staring at her, and she scanned the faces until she saw who she was looking for – the raven-haired girl in the emerald green dress. Wylla bid farewell to Arthur before walking over to where Morgana stood, eyes a little wider than usual, or was that just the makeup?

“Wow,” was all Morgana said, and Wylla grinned as she pressed a kiss to her cheek, “you-you look amazing.”

“I have Gwen to thank for all of it, thank god she knows how to tailor,” Wylla laughed nervously, looking around at the still staring faces, “I… I may be dressed up but I still feel like I don’t belong here.”

“You do. You belong here, with me,” Morgana assured her, taking her hand, “you don’t have to stay long. I just need you here long enough to be able to deny the arrangement from my father,” they stayed in the entrance hall and made small talk with whoever walked past, both of them still hand in hand; Wylla assumed that Morgana was just doing it for appearances, but to her it was comforting – an anchor in an unfamiliar environment, “do you want to go up to my room for a bit? Get away from all of these people?”

“Yes, absolutely,” Wylla breathed, still gripping Morgana’s hand as she led her up the stairs and into smaller, brighter room. She ran her hands through her hair as Morgana sat down on her bed, “how do you deal with these parties as often as you do?”

“You get used to it, I guess. I’ve been going to these parties for almost a decade now, but I still hate it.”

“People will notice that we’ve gone upstairs, how long do you think there is until word gets to Uther?” Wylla asked as she sat down next to Morgana.

“Not long, and we’re gonna have to keep up the lie… But I don’t want you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with…”

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking we should be kissing when they walk in,” Morgana said sheepishly, and Wylla’s heart started beating faster, “my father will undoubtedly have Mr Sarrum with him, it’d help get the point across.”

“Okay,” Wylla agreed, probably quicker than she should’ve. She was about to say something else when she heard footsteps getting closer to the room; without a second thought, Wylla cupped Morgana’s face in her hands and kissed her. Morgana let out a small noise of surprise but soon melted into the kiss, pulling Wylla closer by her waist. It took more than a few moments for them to realise the door hadn’t opened and stop kissing, but their foreheads still rested together, “okay, I guess I have to say something now.”

“Say what?” Morgana asked, breathing heavily.

“I like you Morgana, I really like you, and not just as a friend. I-I don’t think I realised it before, but this whole fake girlfriend thing brought it to the surface. I just… I want to be honest with you,” Wylla had closed her eyes as she spoke, and when she finally opened them, she saw Morgana grinning with tears in her eyes, “are you okay?”

“There’s a reason I asked you to pretend to be my girlfriend, Wylla.”

“Because I’m a drama student and I’m literally doing a whole course on pretending to be something?”

“Because I think you’re really sweet, and funny, and kind… and you’re gorgeous – even more so in this suit, you’re killing my Wyl,” Morgana laughed nervously, and Wylla stroked a thumb across her cheek, “I really like you too. I asked you to be my fake girlfriend because I really want you to be my real girlfriend.”

“Are you seriously asking me out?”

“Well, if I remember correctly, we already have dinner and a movie planned, so the date is sorted. I just have to ask the question…”

“Then ask it.”

“Will you be my girlfriend? My actual girlfriend?”

“Take a wild guess, Pendragon,” Wylla grinned as she pressed her lips against Morgana’s, kissing her passionately. And then the door opened.

“Morgana!” Uther gasped loudly, the sudden noise breaking the couple apart, “What is going on here?”

“Father…” Morgana started, standing from the bed and taking a step towards Uther and the man Wylla assumed to be Mr Sarrum, “this is my girlfriend, Wylla Lionel.”

“I thought we agreed that you were going to date Will Sarrum,” Uther argued through gritted teeth, “he’s a nice young man-”

“Exactly!” Morgana exclaimed, “Young man. I told you already, I don’t like men.”

“It’s just a phase, Morgana,” Uther sighed, and Wylla tensed, clenching her fists and moving to stand beside Morgana, taking her hand and squeezing it gently.

“It isn’t a phase, Mr Pendragon,” she said, “my father thought the same, he left us the day my mother decided to fight his idea of sending me to therapy to try and change what gender I love. I hate to break it to you, trying to prevent Morgana from being herself will just distance you from her, and forcing her into a relationship with a man to serve your business goals will make it worse. I love your daughter, Mr Pendragon, and nothing-” Wylla was cut off when the back of Uther’s hand made contact with her face and he grabbed the corner of her jacket.

“Get out of my house, now!” he shouted, and Wylla threw a terrified glance at a crying Morgana as someone grabbed her arm and dragged her from the room. She tried to fight it but it was pointless, she was dragged out of the house and thrown to the ground outside the house. Wylla was crouched there for a few moments, gathering her thoughts as tears fell, before she picked up her phone and dialled the first number she thought of.

“Wylla?” Merlin answered, “Aren’t you meant to be at the party?”

“Ca-can you come and pick me up, please?” she choked out, “I’m still at the house, I don’t know how to get home.”

“I’ll be there in 15, hang in there Wyl,” he said before hanging up, and he was true to his word – just shy of 15 minutes later, Merlin’s car parked up outside the gates. He rushed over to her and helped her get in the car, driving to the nearby park, “come on, you need some air,” he walked around to help her out, and they started walking through the park together, hand in hand, “do you want to talk about what happened?”

“Uther,” she muttered, “he wants Morgana to date, well, marry Will Sarrum.”

“The snobby prick from Arthur’s business class?”

“The very same – Amata Motors uses Pendragon Financing to manage their accounts, Uther wants them to be together to make sure that continues when Will takes over the business. But, of course, Morgana isn’t into guys at all so she asked me to pretend to be her girlfriend to go against Uther.”

“Wait, you’re not actually dating?” Merlin questioned, and Wylla sighed.

“Let me give you the full story first,” she said, and he nodded for her to continue as they sat down on one of the benches, “I agreed, of course, because just the idea of it was horrible. But, in the days approaching the party, I realised that I actually really like Morgana. I confessed to her, and she said that the reason she asked me to do it was because she liked me too. We were kissing when Uther walked in with Will’s father, and he got really angry. I tried to stand up for her, but he hit me and threw me out of the house. And now, I-I don’t know what he’s going to do to Morgana for not obeying him,” Wylla’s voice broke as she cried, and Merlin hugged her tightly.

“Morgana is strong, she’s really strong, I’m sure she’ll be okay,” he assured her, and then there was a shout from across the park.

“Wylla!” it was Morgana, running towards them, so Wylla got up to meet her halfway.

“Morgana,” she sighed, relieved as she embraced her girlfriend, “you’re okay. Wait,” she pulled away from the hug and held Morgana’s face in her hands, “are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Morgana assured her, before wincing away as Wylla touched a rapidly forming bruise on her jaw.

“He hurt you,” Wylla cried, “I’m sorry, I should’ve fought back harder, I-”

“It’s okay. We argued for a while and he hit me, but then he threw me out.”

“Oh god…”

“No, this is good,” Morgana assured her, wiping away the tears that were spilling down Wylla’s cheeks, “I have the money I inherited when my real father died, I’m finally free from Uther, and now we can be together,” Wylla let out a relieved laugh and pressed her lips against Morgana’s, tears streaming down her cheeks as they kissed. But they were happy tears, Morgana was safe and they were together – and that’s all she needed.

I really hope I got all of the warnings that I may have needed but feel free to let me know if there’s anything I missed and I’ll add it to the tags.

Happy Camelove 2021! 🥰💜💙

#camelove2021 #day 1: ladies first #fanfic #modern au #fake dating au #forced relationship tw #arranged marriage (attempted) tw #violence tw #abuse (mild) tw #homophobia tw #oc/morgana #merlin/lancelot #arthur/gwen

[thegeminisage]

writing that’s not supposed to be writing but that’s just supposed to play the mental movie for you:

"I'm not trying to smother you, man," Dean says. "But I can't—if anything happened to you—" He stops again. "Sammy, let us handle the demons. God knows you've done enough." He closes his eyes briefly against the memory of Sam's face right before he fell. It's okay, Dean. I got him.

"Dean," Sam starts, like he's gearing up to dig in his heels on this one, but he's cut off by a distant boom. It sounds almost like thunder, but summer is long over and there’s no flash of lightning to explain the noise.

Dean squints out into the dark. "Did you hear that?"

Something massive and unidentifiable rises up behind the woods, blotting out the stars behind it, then swoops back down.

Sam grips the porch railing so hard his knuckles whiten. "Is that demon smoke?"

Boom. This one rattles every window in Bobby's house, close enough that Dean feels it in his feet. "Sam, get inside," he says, keeping his eyes on the treeline.

"Dean, what if that’s Balthazar? We have to—"

Something in the distance glows bright white and then fades behind the trees. The wind's starting to pick up. "I said get inside! Now!"

Bobby opens the front door. "What in the hell—"

"Both of you, get down!"

Too late. The light explodes—

-

When Meg’s perception settles, she's standing in tall dry grass that ripples in the sulfur-scented wind, dark wandering silhouettes barely visible against the deep blood-red of the sky. Something huge and jagged juts up out of the ground. For a moment everything is very still.

This is even worse than she thought. It's dark inside Sam Winchester's soul.

Then there's a sound like a thunderclap and the ground heaves beneath her feet. Around her, the shadows all stumble off their mysterious paths. She hears a child sobbing somewhere in the dark. That jagged thing the distance—it might once have been a wall—comes further apart, piece after piece crashing to the ground. The sky’s faint red light flickers dangerously.

Meg picks her way across the unsteady ground to the nearest shadow and turns it to face her. It's Sam-shaped, younger than the version outside, but its teeth are bared and its eyes demon-black. "It's a prison,” Sam’s voice snarls, "made of bone and flesh and blood and fear. And you sent me back there!"

"What the hell," Meg hisses, and lets go. She doesn’t understand why the words sound so familiar until she sees the brand, the binding link that she put on that arm to keep herself in Sam’s body. She’s looking at the memory of herself. And if the echo of Meg is here, then Lucifer's must be too.

One of the shadows glances over at her: little-boy Sam, clutching a parcel in his hand. "Dad lied to me. I want you to have it." Another shadow, twenty-two with floppy hair, passes by on her other side. "I have these nightmares. And sometimes—they come true." She wheels around. Another Sam on his knees, black veins spreading over his face, screaming: "Dean! Let me out of here! Let me out! Dean!"

-

Once Meg crosses the last of the wall, the sky gives way to absolute blackness save for a single spark in the distance. Were Meg able to feel, she knows she would be frozen to the bone. She recognizes this place; she spent decades of Hell-time studying it from the outside. This is the Lightbringer's Cage.

Like a camera lens zooming in, the spark rushes towards her until an endless wall of flames fills her vision. Behind the fire: bars, chains upon chains, and six hundred and sixty-six locks to hold the Cage closed. Many are broken, most by her own hand.

"Lucifer," she breathes, and pushes forward heedless of the flames. Fire, her old friend—it will not hurt her here.

Being inside the Cage is like standing in the eye of a hurricane. Two enormous shapes, incomprehensible even to her own mind, circle in the void above her, bleeding malice. The first has wings made of a hundred thousand quivering hands reaching out from a body with too many eyes. The second form is an undulating mass of razorblades and barbed wire and silvery scales, each engraved with tiny ticking clockwork, each razor-sharp. There's another Sam, bleeding and broken, curled around himself on the parched bedrock below. His screams are silent; she couldn't hear them anyway above the clash as the two shapes come together. Lucifer and Michael, still fighting after all this time.

Meg trembles. Even as a memory, the power of Lucifer's true form overwhelms her.

"Lucifer!" she calls. "Morningstar!"

He turns toward her, the attention terrifying and blinding, like being caught in a floodlight. Immediately his brother swoops in for the kill. With a shriek of grating metal and crunching bone, the angels slice into each other with a viciousness Meg has rarely seen even in all her time in Hell.

-

Finally they see it, a hole in the world opening up wider and wider by the second, dividing the stone that stretches up endlessly into the gray sky.

"Come on, Sammy," Dean says. The air is getting colder. "Come on, I know you know this song—"

"Please," Sam laughs, but he does; he's heard it so many times it could be his own lullaby, and when the chorus comes in— "Eeeeexit light!" he shouts, head thrown back. He can't hit a note either. The gate fills their vision; there is nothing else. "Eeeenter ni-ight!"

"Taaake my hand," Dean crows, looking at Sam instead of the looming oblivion before them, and he's smiling too, grinning from ear to ear. He almost looks young again. "We're off to Never-Never La—"

-

Castiel jerks his hand up, wreathing Meg's host body in flame, but she does not burn. "You think fire can hurt me?" she snarls, eyes gone yellow and glowing. The fire flies off of her, embers stinging his skin, and she slides back into smoke and hurtles towards him.

Castiel wraps his tattered wings tight around his vessel and then flings them open, sending Meg slamming into the wall of the barn. Chunks of wood and rot fall all around him as he squints to see where she's gone.

There—a sound to his right. She cracks a solid punch to his jaw that leaves him reeling; she must be very angry to fight like a human.

-

The lights flicker and go out. Dread crawls into Jesse's chest as he stumbles out of bed, limbs feeling clumsy and heavy, breath fogging in the air. A tall, hulking figure materializes out of the shadows on the wall behind Ben and raises something in its hand—a weapon.

A machete.

A frisson of terror, dark and inexorable, rushes up Jesse's spine. He lunges, desperate to stop that wicked blade before it meets Ben's neck, and feels the pain slice into his shoulder instead. That's nothing, his skin is already stitching itself back together, but the impact sends them both sprawling and it takes Jesse a few disorienting seconds to stagger back to his feet. When he finally jerks upright, he comes face-to-face with the ghost.

At first Jesse doesn't recognize him. It's hard to make out any features past the charred exterior: there's an empty space where the ghost's mouth should be, blackened and burned completely away. He sees blond hair, an upturned nose, strong shoulders. But when Jesse meets its eyes—

He knows those eyes. How they looked in the firelight; how they looked as their own light went out. Even after three years, there are some faces you never forget.

-

Argent forces himself up to his elbows, coughing. "Derek?" He tries not to jostle his wound too much when he rolls over. It's difficult to see through the dust the spray of bullets kicked up, but he's able to make out the black shape of Derek's shifted form lying motionless ground a few yards away.

Don't be dead, Argent thinks blankly, ice flooding his veins. Don't be dead.

Derek's not dead. He makes it to his feet before Argent does, then immediately staggers and falls over again.

-

Snow blankets the roof of the watchtower and slicks under Arthur's boots, and in such conditions it's nigh impossible to keep his footing. Visibility is wretched, for up here the wind blows the snow between them, buffeting them back and forth over the icy floor. His father is getting older, yes, but he's still a skilled swordsman, and Arthur, fighting left-handed, is at a distinct disadvantage. He has no shield and wears no armor, not even chainmail; the only thing standing between him and his father's blade is his very flammable cloak.

Arthur's not sure he could kill his father now even if he did want to. He's no match for him like this.

His father's crown has fallen off his head, rolled away to some distant corner. His cloak is damp with snow and singed by fire. His eyes flash gold, sometimes; when they do fire races up the edge of his blade, making him doubly dangerous. Arthur's magic has finally been brought to heel, but his father's is going mad, there one second and gone the next, the flames dying and rising again unpredictably. Presently his sword, still alight with flames, comes down in a hard overhead blow. Arthur blocks in time, but his father's strength is greater—Arthur stumbles all the way back to the battlement, his back leaning out over the open air while their blades are still locked.

"Did you not say once that I deserved to die?" his father hisses, golden-eyed. He looks like some kind of monster. "Think of the things I've done, Arthur. The innocents that have died in my fight against evil! Did you not want to put a stop to it?"

-

Merlin takes the stairs two at a time, gasping for breath. "Arthur?" he calls, heedless of the danger, but there is no reply. The tower is utterly silent, save for the wind whistling through the cracks in the walls. Just a little further, he's almost at the top—

Merlin stops short. A thin line of scarlet cuts through the frozen gray stairs, creeping towards him and pooling around his boots. He thinks he can hear something dripping. He follows the line with his eyes, up, up, and slowly it widens—

It's blood. The stairs are covered with it—the ladder, the trap door...

"Arthur!" Merlin shouts again, and scrambles forward, slipping through the blood, not caring that it stains his hands and clothes, only that it is still warm, it can't be too late, it can't be—

-

Cas has his feet propped on the table, his coat draped over the chair. He's got a beer in his hand. He looks like shit, because he always looks like shit; he's just got one of those vessels. From this angle, Dean can only see the back of him, and his face, angled to look at Sam, in profile. He's smiling.

-

"Nothing," Dean mumbles, and lays his cheek down on the cool surface of the table. His heart's going over-time again. He thinks about being in this kitchen a year ago and trashing the hell out of it. If this were the real Cas, Dean would beat his face in.

Dean hears the clink of Cas setting the bottle down in the sink. He feels rather than sees Cas come over to stand beside him. And then Cas kneels, so that Dean, head still down, sees his face there sideways. And he can't not look at him unless he moves.

-

Dean's vision swims. The pounding in his head gets worse. One of the vampires grabs Dean's hair and, yeah, no, that's more than far enough. Dean knees it in the balls.

Pain as the fangs tear out of his flesh. The vampire howls, hunched over—and then it stops dead, trembling, and begins to scream. Light and fire start pouring from all the orifices in its head, and every cell in Dean's body goes slack with relief. Dean knows it's Cas before the vampire's corpse falls to reveal him standing there.

The vamp behind Dean takes off. Dean shouts as the fangs leave his neck, but there's no way he's letting it get away that easy. He takes aim and hurls his machete after it like he's skipping a stone—it spins through the air and takes the vamp's head clean off. "Go get it," Dean pants to Cas. He doesn't have time to go back for it now. He slips his hand inside Cas's trench coat and pulls the machete out of its sheath on Cas's belt instead. "Thanks, Cas."

-

Mom squints at the projector as they crowd into the library. "Is that Hatchet Man? They must have made more of them while I was dead."

"Yeah, this is the last one. Came out in '89."

"Dean," Sam says, somehow putting decades of disappointment with Dean's taste in movies into a single word. "You're inflicting these on Jack?"

"Trick or treat," Hatchet Man says. "Time to slice and dice."

"We let him drink beer," Dean argues. "What's a few R-rated movies?"

In the movie, someone screams. They all watch Hatchet Man show some unsuspecting skateboarder his own insides.

-

The bunker's red emergency lights come on. There's a shadow standing in front of him. Dean blinks. Dad, he thinks, and his father's boots swim into focus. But—

Dean scrambles back, looking up, up, up—

-

Dean holds up his hands. Fine, whatever, let them have their fun. The pit itself is on the far side of the bunker, in a little dip that's mostly out of sight of the road, so it's not like anybody's gonna see. But the sun's been up for a few hours now, and the four inches of snow that fell overnight makes everything look so much brighter, and Dean's just not used to a daytime fire in a hole.

A realization strikes Dean then, and he smiles. "Hey, Sammy," he calls, and Sam looks up. "You forgot the salt."

Sam throws his head back and laughs.

-

LIIIKE idk if this makes any sense. but there it is. that’s what insane people do we write in a way that involves no words interrupting the mental movie. i am so bad at proper prose this is the only way i know how to do it

#personal #liz loves writing #got distracted reading my [redacted] fic and nearly regressed into accursed [redacted] fandom #not today satan

[studiesof-fandom-primaryblog]

My Life as an Acafan: So I finally talked to my advisor

When I first started researching fanfiction (back in 2018), I had a very different idea about what I was going to study. The only thing that remained the same was the subject: fanfiction. Everything else? It changed so much. 

At first, I had a general idea of what I wanted to research: fanfiction as queer representation and link that to Captain America’s fandom, specifically the Steve/Bucky (aka Stucky) pairing. Around the time I had realized this, I found an English literature professor in my college who was open to be my advisor. Then, I started reading a few introductory texts from fan scholars, mainly people that studied fanfiction, and those readings started shaping my perspective better. That was when I realized I should study the construction of queer romance in fanfiction and how it was portrayed in it, using Stucky stories as reference. That was when my problems with my research really started.

In 2018, I hadn’t accepted yet, but I was mostly out of Captain America fandom. I was kinda holding onto it and I’m still not sure why I did that. Maybe it was because once I promised myself that if I ever had the opportunity to research fanfiction, I’d definitely pick Stucky stories. I have this stupid tendency of trying to stick to every promise I make to myself, even if I’d grown out of it ─ which was exactly what happened to me.

By the time I started researching fic, I was barely participating in Captain America’s fandom and that was Marvel’s fault. First, we had the whole Steve is actually Hydra plot in the comics and I got pissed off beyond reason because of it. And then, shortly after that nightmare of storyline, the movie Civil War was released and it was everything but a Captain America movie. So, I think you can imagine my frustration at that point. I was so mad at Marvel that not even fandom could salvage it. Unfortunately, it took me almost a year and a half to understand this. 

When I finally realized the problem was the pairing, I changed to Merlin/Arthur (aka Merthur) from Merlin BBC (2008) TV series. After I got rid of Stucky, I was able to actually work on my research. I researched about Romance Theory, Queer Theory, representation of minorities in movies and TV shows. And, even though I read the most important books in those fields, I got nowhere. The reason it happened was that nobody had a framework that met my needs and that realization was the crucial part for me. I finally understood what I was supposed to do. I needed to create some kind of framework that could define fanfiction, specifically, slash fanfiction. Then, I’d be able to discuss how queer romance is constructed within a fic. That changed my world. 

After I understood that, I contacted my former advisor and I explained to him I was going to change fields. My research evolved into something really different and it made more sense to have an advisor from Literary Theory than English Literature. He was very understanding and wished me good luck. Quickly after that, I sent a message to one of the best professors I’ve ever had in my life, who conveniently taught Literary Theory, and he accepted to become my advisor. And last week we finally had our first conversation about my research. 

It was very productive. My conversation with him was the solid proof that I’d made the right call. We managed to establish so many things. First, I already know how I will start to build the framework I had in mind, which was the greatest breakthrough of all time to me. 

I’m not gonna pretend I wasn’t terrified about the idea of creating a framework from scratch. I had no idea how I would even start before my advisor talked to me. He went over every piece I had written related to my research and he ended up seeing a solution. However, he didn’t directly tell me the solution, he walked me through it until I reached the conclusion myself. He didn’t deliver the answer to me on a silver plate. For the first time since I’ve started my research, I felt actually capable in carrying out the whole thing. It really helped me to build the confidence I was lacking and that was a beautiful development. I finally saw actual progress. So, one important lesson I’ve learned with this whole situation is that an advisor needs to make you feel secure that you will find a way with their guidance, even if they don’t really understand your subject. 

Now, you must be asking yourselves: what are you actually going to do then? Well, I’ll build a framework to delineate slash fanfiction that follows the standard of “well-written” stories, published on AO3 between the end of the 2000s and throughout the 2010s. To create this framework, I’ll use excerpts of fanfictions and compare it to a book series written by a former ficwriter that successfully reproduced the fanfiction style, but using original characters. My goal with this research is to offer an academic definition to our famous compliment ‘this (story) is like fanfiction’. It’s a way to show that fanfiction has its own style and it’s actually affecting the literary market. Actually I’m pretty sure someone (I think it was Kristina Busse but could also be Karen Hellekson or even both) pointed out the lack of research focused on the structure of fanfiction. They said the field needed someone who attempted to define said structure in academic terms. So, that’s what I’m gonna do now. This is going to be my lifetime work and honestly? I can’t wait to start it!

#fandom #fan studies #acafan #type: texts #text: autoethnography #project: my life as an acafan #mod: naty

[rainbowvamp]

🎶It’s Morgana and Lancelot. It’s sort of a ship fic, but also kinda not. Morgana and Lancelot!🎶

noblepriestess that could also be read as platonic. Actually, I’m pretty sure most people would read this as platonic, but I don’t know I might be wrong. It’s cute and a tiny bit sad. Or a lot of sad if you focus on the one-sided, background Mercelot. >600 words.. prequel to this fic. But you don’t actually have to read that to understand what’s happening, swear. Enjoy!

----

Merlin and Arthur were on a second honeymoon. They couldn’t just call it an anniversary trip, they had to call it a second honeymoon, as though they picked the thing that would hurt Lancelot most. 

Lancelot was at Morgana’s flat, opening their second bottle of wine, while she refilled their snack tray. They had told themselves they were going to take it, easy, but why bother? 

“I’m out of those silly little crackers you like. Sorry.” She placed the tray carelessly on the coffee table that held their empty glasses, still waiting to be refilled. 

“I knew you were running low. I should’ve brought some.” He poured them both a generous helping of wine and collapsed back into her couch, taking his glass with him and leaving the bottle in it’s place. “I’m just not thinking straight.”

“You’re never thinking straight, dear.” Morgana took up her own glass and the remote, pressing play on the movie they’d started and had pretty much been talking over for the last half hour.

He shot her a look for her remark and she raised an eyebrow, daring him to question her. He didn’t bother, just took another sip of his wine.

“I still think you should block them both on instagram. You know going through their vacation pictures always puts you in a mood.” She sipped her wine and pulled her legs up and folded them against the couch. “Merlin will just think he accidentally unfollowed you, because I love him but he’s astonishingly absentminded, and Arthur would literally never notice.”

“If I blocked him, he’d know I blocked him. Or think I’d gotten hacked. He checks everyone’s pages constantly.”

Morgana quirked her lip, knowing full well that this was true. “Well, maybe he’ll be too distracted to notice.”

“He’s even more likely to notice when he’s away. It’s worse when he’s separated from people.” He remembers watching Merlin insta-stalk Will through their entire college career, and check very regularly on the few other friends he bothered to keep in touch with. “He’s afraid he’ll miss something, or something will go terribly wrong.” 

“He’s anxious.” She sighed and leaned her head against Lancelot’s shoulder mostly to comfort him. She’d picked up early on that he was tactile, and didn’t get a lot of chances to express it, and she’d always been kind enough to humor him. “It’s just his damage. Give me your phone.” She held out her hand, pretending to be occupied with the movie, but he didn’t move.

“Absolutely not. Last time I did that you changed Arthur’s contact to ‘dumbbell’ and Gwaine’s to ‘slut.’”

“Took you almost two weeks to notice. You need to talk to your friends more.”

“I talk to my friends plenty. In person.” He took another sip of his wine and moved his arm to sling it around Morgana’s shoulders, to make himself more comfortable. She leaned in further, her knees practically in his lap when she finally settled. 

“You’re so boring, Lancelot.”

“Merlin thinks I’m classical.”

“Merlin is in love with an idiot. His taste is questionable at best.”

Lancelot doesn’t say anything back to this. Usually these sorts of verbal back and forths go longer, but he suddenly can’t muster the energy up for it.

It takes her a second to regret what she’s said. “I shouldn’t say that.”

“Probably not.” He pursed his lips and took another sip of wine. “Get the snacks, I’m starving.”

“As you wish.” 

From Morgana, that was about as close to love as she got.

#noblepriestess #lancelot/morgana #morgana/lancelot #lancelot #morgana #lysa speaks

[panharmonium]

Hey, do you ship merthur? I have conflicted feelings about it because Merlin does love Arthur but also their relationship is kinda shitty.

short answer: i do not

longer answer: i might not be the right person to ask about this, because i don’t really “ship” anything?  it’s not how i engage with fandom.  (disclaimer: this is not a value judgment of folks who do engage with fandom that way.  just an explanation of how my own brain works.)

extra long answer: under the cut, because i suppose it was only a matter of time before someone asked me about merlin/arthur, and i might as well put my entire response in one place so that next time, i can just link to it.

questions like this are a little tough for me to answer, because i am completely uninterested in romance as a premise.  if it’s not there, i don’t care.  if it is there, i often wish it weren’t, because it’s almost never developed in a way that lives up to my standards.  i don’t always mind if something contains romantic relationships (provided they’re written well), but i don’t want them to be the point of a story.  i honestly cannot think of anything less interesting to me than a story that has as its main plotline “x character falls in love with y character.”  for me, in my brain, it’s like, “okay...that’s it?  do you have anything else to say?”  there is literally nothing about that that i care about.

this can be a little difficult to navigate in fandom, because one of the oft-heard commendations of “fandom” is ‘gosh, fandom is so wonderful, we can watch the same two characters fall in love again and again and again in a million different scenarios!’  which is true, for the people who care about that sort of thing, but that’s not actually ‘fandom.’  that’s shipping.  and there’s nothing wrong with shipping, but shipping and fandom are not the same thing, and they’ve become so conflated that it can be very difficult to engage in the latter without being absolutely swamped by the former.

many times, for me, fandom can feel synonymous with shipping.  there was a post i reblogged recently whose tags described shipping as often feeling like a prerequisite to engaging with fandom, and that is often what it feels like to me, particularly in fandoms where one ship is so ubiquitous that any and all other material is utterly dwarfed by it in scale.  (for me, my last two major fandoms have been merlin and teen wolf, so - i’m sure you see my dilemma, heh.)

all of that said, in terms of arthur and merlin specifically...

disclaimer: everything i say here is relevant to me only.  these are my own feelings.  i am making this post on my own blog, in my own space, in response to a question about my own thoughts.  i do not want, expect, or need anyone else to share these thoughts.  any commentary i make about fandom trends is not equivalent to condemnations of individual people’s opinions or shipping habits.  i do not mind or take issue with folks who ship these two characters.  i am glad you are having fun.  please do not @ me about something you disagree with.  i promise you it is not necessary.

okay.  with that out of the way.  

part of me is reluctant to expound further on this question, because my personal philosophy is that merlin and arthur as a ship have had more than enough time and space devoted to them in this fandom (way more than their share, frankly) and i generally prefer to focus on merlin and the other people in his life, as a deliberate counter to that.  but, since you asked, and because i have been experiencing the “i’m tired of romance” bug more strongly lately, here is the long-form version.

the number one reason why i don’t ship arthur and merlin is what i already outlined above: i don’t really “ship” anything.  i have never looked at two characters who were not already together/on an obvious potential path to being together and said “i want them to fall in love.”  that has just never happened to me.  (again - it’s not a BAD thing to have this happen, it’s just not something that’s ever happened to me.  i can’t relate to the experience.)

therefore, when i do appreciate a romantic relationship, it’s pretty much always because canon has shown me something romantic (or clearly pre-romantic) that i find to be well-written and compelling.  (it’s rare - as i outlined before, i would usually rather not deal with romance at all - but it happens.)  

arthur and merlin, then, never had that effect on me, because arthur and merlin, as depicted in the canon, are not in love.

[to anybody reading this who just snatched up their keyboard and started furiously typing, i beg you - please go back and re-read my disclaimer.]

they’re not in love.  the truth about these two is that if i had watched this show without having grown up in fandom as a culture (and without knowing exactly what kind of ships fandom immediately sees EVERYWHERE) the idea of anybody shipping these two together would never have even entered my mind.

(and like.  because i DID grow up in fandom, and i DO know exactly what kind of ships fandom sees everywhere, i knew before i even started this show that arthur/merlin was going to be an inescapable thing.  but that would not have been the case, if i had watched the series in a world where i didn’t know what fandom was.)

arthur and merlin, in canon, are not in love.  the show never does anything to give me an inkling that either of them are harboring romantic feelings for each other.  that is never what is happening onscreen.  literally the last thing on merlin’s agenda is romantic attachment, ever, and arthur is never, ever shown to be in love with anyone who isn’t gwen.  the show, onscreen, never tricks me, teases me, or leads me on.  i was never under the impression that merlin and arthur were in love with each other, because they weren’t.

but that DOES NOT MEAN their relationship matters less.  just because they aren’t IN love with each other doesn’t mean they don’t love each other, and one of those things is not bigger or better or more powerful than the other.

i struggle a lot in fandom (all fandom, not just merlin) with the persistent idea that romantic attachment is the peak, the natural endpoint on a scale of “how deep is your love?”  i am constantly running up against posts where the commonly accepted structure is to cite a moment of devotion or caring or some instance of basic connection between two characters, and then add a caption or tag saying ‘because they are JUST FRIENDS, right?’ or ‘^^totally platonic interaction between characters who are not at all in love, sure jan.’  

and honestly?  i hate that.  that is one of my least favorite things about fandom.  it makes me so tired.  

i am completely disconnected from this idea that there are like...things you can do that are too caring to count as friendship.  like - that there is too much devotion you can show, and if you go over the limit, then it’s laughable that you would do those things for “just” a friend.  that’s so unpleasant to me.

(and i do think [when it comes to non-canon queer ships, anyway - straight ships unfortunately have no excuse, sorry y’all] that part of this probably has its roots in pushback at the tendency of people who try to “gal pal” actual queer ships (or literal real life relationships), so this, at least, is something i can understand.  i’m queer myself; i get that.  and that is why i will never like - attach myself to someone’s post and start complaining.  people can vent however they want.)

it doesn’t change my own feelings, though.  i hate seeing every meaningful friendship i’ve ever been invested in talked about like it’s just a romance in disguise.

other things: i am uninterested in romance as a motivator.  

truly, from the bottom of my heart, i don’t care.

we are, at least in my corner of the world, oversaturated with romance, to the point where any piece of media that doesn’t include it in some fashion is shockingly bizarre.  it is EVERYWHERE.  it is in EVERYTHING.  i cannot pick up a book without running into a romantic plotline.  i cannot watch a movie or a tv show without being forced into multiple romances that i don’t care about.  (rare exceptions apply, as always, but i’m speaking generally.)

this oversaturation, for me, means that romance as a storyline no longer holds any meaning for me.  i see it EVERYWHERE.  it is in literally EVERYTHING.  making merlin into a “love story,” for me, makes the show so much less interesting, because there are billions of love stories out there.  love stories are practically the only kind of story our media remembers how to tell!  why would i take a story that is so unique in its exploration of deep friendship (that isn’t even quite friendship, because it’s not real, but merlin wants it to be real, but making it real would also destroy it) and loyalty (that isn’t necessarily deserved, but is still offered, but is damaging to the person offering it) and love (that exists in spite of arthur’s position as the oppressor, but still cannot erase merlin’s oppression, and is patently not a magical fix for the very real problems merlin is facing), and then want to water it down to “and then they fell in love”???

merlin bbc has so much to say about the transformative, redemptive power of love (not just romance), and the bonds we form with each other despite the fact that we don’t always deserve each other, and what we can do to make ourselves better, and how do we make amends for the ways in which we hurt the people we care about, and it is so complicated and there is so much beauty there and i adore it specifically because it is one of the rare pieces of media out there that doesn’t prop up romantic love as the most important and powerful force in the universe.  romantic love is not what moves the story.  merlin’s love for the people around him is based on compassion.  it’s bigger than the familiar and overused ‘i am desperately in love with this one individual person and that’s what drives my actions,” which is a premise all of us know has been done to death.  merlin’s love is not about romantic attachment.  it’s a deep, abiding love for humanity.  it’s based on hope, and faith, and the inherent belief that everybody matters, even in their worst moments.

condensing that kind of story into “and then they fell in love” erases its meaning for me.  it makes it trite.  uninteresting.  i have seen “and then they fell in love” fully sixty thousand times.  “and then they fell in love” has been done so often that it is utterly devoid of power for me.  boring.   i literally do not care.

other people might feel differently, and find a romantic love story compelling.  i don’t.  

i’m guessing the message that prompted this essay is asking me to evaluate how i feel about the “goodness” of the merlin/arthur ship, aka whether it’s worthwhile to ship it or not based on how healthy/unhealthy it is, which i definitely can’t answer, because i don’t think whether it’s “good” or not really matters.  i am definitely too old to be riding the newer wave of, uh...idk, purity culture type stuff that is so oft-debated on here, lately.

but you’re absolutely right, anon - merlin and arthur’s relationship IS kinda shitty!  it 100% is.  it doesn’t mean you can’t ship them, though, if you want; otherwise i wouldn’t be invested in any aspect of their friendship, either.  

the fact that merlin and arthur’s relationship is kinda shitty is an essential element of the show; it’s the microcosmic representation of the macrocosmic problem merlin is trying to solve, and even with that being the case, we can see clearly that this also doesn’t preclude them from having real moments of connection and care and love.  this is the contradiction i have to keep in mind whenever i engage with them in the friendship sense - merlin has been wronged by arthur in so many ways, and yet he still loves him and believes arthur can do better, and yet his dedication to arthur really does destroy his life piece by piece, and you really have to walk a line between those extremes and be thinking: in what ways was this a noble, honorable path for merlin to take and in what ways was this damaging, and was it all worth it in the end?

we probably wouldn’t still be watching this show if we didn’t ultimately think the answer to that last question was yes.  but there are also equally valid ways in which the answer is, truthfully, no, and i think really the only important thing when dealing with merlin and arthur’s relationship (in whatever capacity you prefer) is to keep that dissonance in mind.

so, to more directly address your question, when it comes to my interaction with the source material, i don’t ship merlin and arthur romantically because i don’t see romance when they interact in canon, and i don’t think their relationship could be improved or made more interesting/more meaningful by adding extra-canonical romance into the mix.  that’s really it.

but the other side of things is this: even if i were granted someone else’s ship-goggles to somehow see romance between these two (eg, once, in the distant past i read a harry potter fic that was so well-constructed it sold me on a relationship i didn’t [and still don’t] actually see in canon), i still wouldn’t choose to ship merlin and arthur, and it’s not because they’re a “bad” ship (no such thing, folks - tag your stuff and let people live their lives, thank you), it’s because this fandom has already been swallowed by them and i cannot bring myself to make that imbalance worse.

trying to be in the merlin fandom without shipping merlin and arthur is just...a little bit difficult sometimes.  i think probably even people who do ship merlin/arthur are aware of that.  sometimes it can feel like merlin/arthur is a given in this fandom, not one of many options - as if you’re not in the merlin fandom, but rather the merthur fandom, and you know you really, really do not belong there.

and it’s not even a canonical ship!  it’s not even real.  and yet if you like this show, and you want to engage in the fandom, your experience is, without exception, going to be chock full of merlin/arthur content by default.

essentially, my struggle with the merlin/arthur dynamic in fandom is two-fold:

1) the strikingly imbalanced content distribution

the merlin fandom, in terms of content distribution, is a pretty accurate mirror of merlin’s own existence, to be honest, in that pretty much every aspect of it is eventually taken over by arthur pendragon, and in that there’s a reasonable debate to be had about whether or not that’s a good thing.

(spoiler alert: it’s not.)

even so, it is what it is, and as i said before, me commenting on fandom trends is not meant as a condemnation of individual preferences.  people like what they like!  that’s just how things are.  shipping arthur and merlin isn’t a Bad thing to do, by any means, and the fact that so many people do is just, you know, bad luck for me, lol.  but at the same time, the wildly unbalanced distribution of content does make it more difficult for folks who don’t ship merlin/arthur to engage in fandom with quite the same level of ease, and even though it’s nobody’s fault, it is still perfectly reasonable for people who don’t ship merlin/arthur to be frustrated about that.

fanfic is a pretty good case study for how this plays out.  i saw a post a while back that was titled something like ‘merlin bbc gothic,’ and the first bullet point was “canon ships are rarepairs,” and HOO BOY, that is true.  stats-wise, merlin/arthur makes up ⅔ of the merlin fic on AO3.  ~25,000 fics.  the next most popular tag after merlin/arthur is arthur/gwen, but arthur/gwen have ~2,900 fics in their tag.  and when you remember to exclude any instance of merlin/arthur from the arthur/gwen tag, that number drops by another thousand, to ~1,940.

that’s buckwild.  come on.  merlin/arthur has twenty-three THOUSAND more fics than the next most popular (and CANONICAL, i might add) ship?  and every other ship’s numbers are even lower than that?*

and if you don’t want to read shippy stuff in the first place, like me - the merlin “gen” tag has less than 8000 fics in it, by comparison, and then you STILL have to filter merlin/arthur out of the gen fics, leaving you with about 6300 - which number has to be filtered down further to remove OTHER ships that still make it past the gen filter.

in comparison to 25,000.

like.  i’ve been in fandom long enough that i’m not surprised - mean, i came into merlin directly off a teen wolf phase, and boy, that’s a whole other bowl of noodles right there, with added squick factors that are irrelevant here - but i’m still just...man. 

it still makes my head spin.  and it is still frustrating, every time.

*(there is a lot more to be said about how gwen fits into all of this, and i know it has been discussed more thoroughly in other places, but yes, another reason i am leery of arthur/merlin as a thing is that i’m just...not super comfortable with what that implies for gwen and her position in the story.  even if i personally am slightly more compelled by gwen/lancelot, technically - i still don’t quite feel comfortable taking gwen out of her canonical place.  she belongs at the top.  she deserves to be the love interest and she deserves to be the queen.  and like - people can say that her relationship with arthur isn’t “developed” or “convincing” enough to warrant retaining in fic, and i get it, the show really did fail gwen in S5 - but i still don’t buy that argument.  people literally INVENTED a romantic relationship for themselves and put 25,000 fics worth of effort into building it up; there is no reason why an “underdeveloped” canon romance couldn’t have gotten the same treatment.  except, of course, for the fact that one [Black, female] character was being shoved aside to make way for yet another two white dudes.)

(and i’m not saying that everyone is doing this deliberately or maliciously.  but we all know this is a cross-fandom trend.  there is literally no reason for the gap in content to be THAT wide.  a canon relationship with twenty-three thousand fewer fics than an invented ship?  just...that is a stat that bears thinking about.  it doesn’t mean that merlin/arthur is a “bad” ship, or that you can’t prefer lancelot/gwen, but it IS still important to recognize these patterns where they occur, across fandoms, and to really think about what they mean.)

2) the arthur-goggles

my second struggle with merlin/arthur in fandom is the ubiquitousness of the arthur-goggles, aka: the tendency in fandom, as in canon, to make everything in merlin’s life about arthur, and everything in the show about merthur.

this one specifically really gets to me.  i am very committed to the idea that merlin is a complete individual, whether arthur is there or not.  i write a LOT of meta about merlin being a whole person, specifically pushing back on the idea that merlin was “born” for arthur’s benefit - my motto is basically that “merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon,” and the way his life begins to revolve around arthur pendragon in later seasons is not in fact touching or romantic or beautiful; it’s a tragedy.  merlin does not exist only in the context of his relationship with arthur; he possesses worth outside of his mission to save the prince of camelot, and he was already a complete person before he ever met the prince of camelot, and one of the many issues we have to think about when dealing with arthur and merlin in any capacity is how merlin is told from the get-go that he is supposed to devote his whole life to arthur, but arthur is never given any such reciprocal responsibility.  

merlin and arthur’s relationship, just like the distribution of content in this fandom, is wildly imbalanced.  merlin spends all of his spare time thinking about arthur’s life; he ties himself in knots trying to help arthur develop as a person.  he is constantly working to keep arthur safe and happy.  but arthur, at the end of a long day, doesn’t spend his nights agonizing over how he can improve merlin’s life.  he just goes home and goes to bed.  he never once thinks, ‘my purpose on this earth is to serve and support my friend merlin.’  he is never told his life isn’t his own, that he is supposed to be one half of some two-sided coin.  only merlin is told that his entire existence is earmarked for someone else, that his life’s purpose is to be someone else’s better half.  only merlin is expected to devote his entire being to someone else’s betterment.  only merlin is expected to say demeaning, self-abnegating things like “i was born to serve you.”  

arthur, by contrast, is allowed to have a life of his own.  he is allowed to exist on his own terms.  he is never told that his worth is dependent on how well he can prop someone else up.  and while fic might like to imagine merlin being the most important thing in arthur’s life, in canon that is just not the case.  

merlin exists on his own merits, and the idea that he does everything he does just because “he’s in love with arthur” will never sit right with me, because it’s simply not true.  merlin and arthur’s relationship is important to both of them, yes, and of course it is undergirded by deep love and care, but it is also way more complicated than that.  merlin’s investment in arthur’s life - and his grief at arthur’s death - are NOT solely driven by his love for arthur as an individual; they are inextricably bound up with a sense of obligation and duty and self-worth and, eventually, failure, because he’s been told that protecting arthur is a) the only thing that matters about his own life and b) the only way to free his people and save an entire kingdom.  and i think ignoring this very real complexity in favor of “merlin does what he does and feels what he feels because he’s in love with arthur” cheapens the depth of the story and flattens merlin’s character.

arthur-goggles automatically make everything about merlin/arthur, though.  so the difficulty, for me, with merlin/arthur as a ship, is that it can be hard to make/find things about merlin that people don’t instantly, always try to link back to arthur in some way.  merlin is not allowed to have things that are just his, and he can’t exist in a state where arthur doesn’t somehow factor in - no matter how unrelated to arthur something is, or how non-shippy it’s meant to be - there’s someone out there who’s going to loop it back to merthur in some way.

just like - scattered examples of things I’ve encountered:

all of merlin’s non-arthur love interests on AO3 having massive chunks of their ship tags actually being merthur fics, with the non-arthur ship serving solely as a stepping stone on the way to getting merlin and arthur together

readers, on fics that are specifically designated as focusing on merlin+someone else and in which arthur does not appear, leaving comments asking “so how long until arthur shows up,” “can’t wait to see arthur,” etc

meta about how ‘merlin’s time in camelot was actually really bad for him as a person’ being reblogged and modified by someone else with an addition like “but merlin doesn’t regret a second of it because he wouldn’t have known arthur if he were anywhere else,” and the OP having to reblog their own post and explain that this is literally the exact problem they were trying to critique

in fic, merlin’s friends being utilized only as vessels with whom he can have discussions about his developing relationship with arthur

etc etc

it’s not always huge egregious things, but wearing arthur-goggles means EVERYTHING comes back to merthur in some way, which for me is just...really insulting to other characters, and really limiting in terms of story analysis.  

so, for example - this is a VERY specific example that few will relate to, because i am probably the only person on here who has ever tried to search the tag for merlin’s friend will from ealdor (a niche fave of mine) - but with him, especially, it is very hard to avoid bumping into a lot of people wearing arthur-goggles, because everybody seems to imagine him as merlin’s ex, who is only upset about what’s going on in 1.10 because he’s jealous about arthur appearing alongside merlin, never mind that will and merlin have known each other since birth and have a relationship that LITERALLY predates arthur by two decades.

so with him, as an example - the other day, i saw some post in the tag that was like “will gets teary when arthur makes his inspirational speech in ealdor because he finally understands what merlin sees in arthur and he can’t be mad anymore”

and that is just patently untrue.  it is not even remotely close to a legitimate interpretation of what is happening in that scene.  will hasn’t come around to arthur’s way of thinking yet; he literally still packs his things and leaves after this happens, and he is - i mean, first of all, he’s not crying, lol, and he stalks out of that scene weary, angry, and fed up, because he thinks the village is delusional and all of his neighbors are going to get killed in the morning.  his arc - his dissatisfaction with what is going on, his anger at the ignorance arthur wields as a nobleman with all of that wealth and privilege, his resistance to the big “let’s fight kanen’s men with sticks” plan - that is about him and his history and who he is.  it is not about an (imaginary) merlin/arthur love story.  

but when the arthur-goggles are on, all roads lead to merthur.  even when the other characters in question (*coughWILLIAMcough*) would be beyond mortified to have merthur, of all things, assigned as their motivation.

SO.  now that i’ve gone over both the canon and fandom aspects of my reasoning, the succinct summary in response to your question is just that no, i don’t personally ship merlin/arthur.  because:

a) i don’t see it b) the fandom is already trying to drown me with it and i choose to center other characters out of spite c) i just think merlin deserves better lol

however, as i said in my disclaimer - that doesn’t mean other people shouldn’t ship and enjoy it!   merlin/arthur is very much not my cup of tea, but that’s no reason why other folks can’t have fun with it.  i think the best portrayals of it, probably, will be those that keep in mind exactly what you said - that merlin and arthur’s relationship is “kinda shitty” - but this is fandom, so if what folks really want to write is just lots of happy AU’s with no issues, then they should go for it!  the point of fandom is to have fun connecting with people over a shared love of something, so i am happy to let others have fun doing their thing, and i will just be over here doing mine. 🙂

#thanks for the question! #hope this is helpful #fyi to everyone else; this is the most space i will EVER devote to this subject so #wave goodbye as it flies past! #XD #the once and future slowburn #meta #(sort of? fandom analysis? idk)

[thatdamnokie]

so, as everybody knows, our man, the lovely mark strong, turned 57 this past august 5th

since the kingsman films have had a huge influence on several aspects of my day-to-day life (gee, wonder what group of people i could be referring to...), i decided to sit down and do something i’ve been thinking about since getting my medical card earlier this year: getting high as a kite and watching them back-to-back.

to celebrate mark’s birthday, i decided to do another running commentary post like the one i did for rocknrolla ages ago, under the cut. it’s a pretty similar style, which is to say not necessarily super coherent and might be hard to understand if you’ve never seen the movies. D:

there are some mentions of the roanoke society, but not many.

if even just one person finds this mildly entertaining for four seconds, then i’ll have done my job. there is a lot of cursing and this is NOT spoiler-free.

enjoy~

edited 9.1.20 to correct typos and such, please remember that i was Not Sober while i wrote this lmao

how many times have i watched these movies at this point? i don’t even know.  

i always liked the nifty like—retro arcade marv opening animation

and the thing with the tapes! we love book-ending devices!

kingsman: badass motherfuckers worldwide incorporated

like why was merlin even with them? i understand why lee and james would be there, but merlin, was he not acting quartermaster then?

i have SO MANY FEELINGS about lee unwin

i think it haunts harry and merlin more than anyone thinks, but these are fun spy movies so we just don’t talk about trauma and shit, don’tcha know

don’t look at how merlin tears up and tell me he doesn’t drink about it *HEAVILY* later

it’s such a stark contrast to see the 1990s interior vs. what it’s like when eggsy’s grown :(

michelle baby i’m so sorry. you deserved better than this.

and BABY EGGSY

omg. like this scene is both heartbreaking but is also adorable.

colin firth has gd anime legs, that dude had to straight up unfold himself as he stood up lmao

aaannnnd swooping logo, whooooo, goin’ over some mountains~

and mark hamill, ladies and gentlemen!

this whole thing with james deciding to kinda go rogue makes me wish that we knew more about his backstory as well. like, is this james being james, or was this a weird one-off situation and he was just unlucky?

YES unlucky. nobody could plan for the hurricane of sleek destruction that is gazelle

who has one of my favorite aesthetic designs as a villain (although i guess i’d put her more on maybe henchman level? but idk, it seems like valentine looked at her more as a partner, less like an assistant? and they had a very interesting chemistry together too, like i would’ve added more valentine x gazelle scenes)

i would LOVE to be this chill about just—draping blankies over bodies

blankies over bodies sounds like a cool band name

DIBS you guys can’t have it

i am SO GLAD samuel l. jackson gave valentine a lisp!

valentine, to me, does fit a lot of the usual spy movie villain tropes

but since this movie doesn’t take itself super serious, it’s more fun than annoying

and we never hear about any of the other knights?? like

half of this is just gonna be me whining for additional footage that there just wouldn’t have been room for realistically lmao

michael caine, you are lovely

MARK STRONG, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN

WITH LEGS THAT DON’T QUIT AND AN ACCENT THAT I’D DIE FOR

i’m an embarrassment

like let’s all stop and thank god that mark didn’t have time to learn the welsh accent

not that i would’ve been disappointed, because all accents are good accents on this blog

but at this point i can’t imagine merlin as—not scottish

“try picking a more suitable candidate this time”

arthur you DICK

like were you this cold-blooded when lee died, you fuckin’ reptilian-ass son of a bitch

no wonder you were charlie’s pledge person thing

and enter the fabulous taron egerton, stage left!

DEAN you are DISGUSTING

god, michelle, you need better friends, if you were my bro this entire relationship would’ve never happened

;-; and eggsy’s so sweet with his sister! i know there probably wasn’t “room” for it but i AM glad that there are scenes showing that family is one of eggsy’s kinda “core values”or whatever you want to call it

dude is a hufflepuff through and through imo

can you imagine eggsy as a villain? we would be so fucked. he’s sly, he’s smart, he could’ve made life v e r y difficult for lots of people if he really wanted to

but look at him with the squad!

eggsy’s just like the british version of a good ol’ boy

this car scene is some dukes of hazzard bullshit (ramp-jumping and fun car horn aside)

if butterflies are harry’s main symbolic critter, would foxes be eggsy’s? or would it be a pug instead? i guess that’s like asking if harry would be either a butterfly or a cairn terrier, like mr. pickle. let’s say both.

this fandom is pretty on top of character associations like that

you get symbolic associations! YOU get symbolic associations! EVERYONE gets symbolic associations whether they’re actually in the canon or not! don’t have any? don’t worry, we’ll assign you at least one!

the guy playing the interviewing officer is ALSO the patriarch in the witch which i didn’t realize until—like, a while after

and it was while @circlesofbone​ was visiting, and we were just “oh, okay, guess we can’t escape this cast at all, this is fine”

“your father saved my life.”

harry you’re such a fucking peacock, waiting all posted up and posing so you’ll look cool

you big doofus

i’d kill to be inside his head during this first conversation with eggsy though

like is eggsy like lee? is harry seeing lee the entire time he’s talking to his son, in his mannerisms, how he carries himself, how he speaks?

or is eggsy the opposite? which—i don’t know if that would somehow be sadder?

there’s just a lot going on in the background of this bit that’s left up to interpretation

“although i’m sure it’s well-founded—“

harry’s just so casual about this entire thing, nobody’s that casual without practice

harry you rabble-rouser, what kind of life have you led

“manners. maketh. man.”

our timeless motto, my flowers

kingsman STILL to this DAY has some of the most well-choreographed fight scenes i’ve ever seen??

like yeah the church scene but even just this initial bar fight

harry could’ve been a dancer

in a way i guess he already is

like he moves so fluidly and gracefully, it is BONKERS

colin you did so good! i’m so proud!

the way eggsy’s just O.O

whether or not you ship hartwin, like, you gotta admit, that was hot

and his BODY LANGUAGE, he’s sitting like RAMROD straight, this poor dude lmao

nobody prepares you for a situation like that in public school is all i’m saying

harry, exiting stage left like a suave, smooth motherfucker

remember when iggy azalea was relevant

ugghhhh i hate this part

“I WASN’T WITH NO ONE”

can you imagine being harry hart listening to your dead friend’s son getting the shit beat out of him

like, surely he heard the cleaver, he knows dean was going to fucking gut eggsy right?

listen to how cold and icy his voice gets, oof

yeah, he’s pissed, and dean is lucky

PARKOUR

ugh, i want to go to london ;-; i want to walk in front of the shop and visit harry’s house and kiss cute english boys

i’d like to think harry’s super excited to show eggsy everything but he’s gotta keep it dialed back because “decorum”

the way eggsy pauses though

“come on.”

and he says it so softly.

if i was eggsy, i’d be nervous, too.

but i didn’t realize how quickly harry tries to give off signals like “hey there’s no reason to be scared.”

“like my fair lady?” “well, you’re full of surprises.” <3 one of my favorite sceneeesss.

harry’s voice is so soothing but eggsy is so freaked out by the elevator that he’s just—there’s no room for anything else beyond processing the elevator lmao

“how deep does this fucking thing go?” asking the real questions

aannnddd KINGSMAN BULLET TRAIN

i’d like to think they have like soft jazz or something playing in there

and then they get to the hangar and there are obviously a buuuuunch of people out on the tarmac that we just—never hear about? i just assume they’re all like technical officers or maybe other agents

“your father had the same look on his face. … as did i.”

harry is already rooting for him.

“late again, sir.”

that. brogue.

fuck, i could listen to him talk for hours, scottish accents are my favorite thing

#squadgoals

not a very diverse cast :/

the body bag speeeeech

and of course nobody was in any actual danger, but merlin doesn’t want them to know that so he becomes mr. hard as steel, i am emotionally stoic at all times, do not test me you bunch of rugrats

“classic army technique.”

ROXY

ROXY I WANT TO JUST HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS TT.TT

aannnnddd charlie, also

who we might’ve found sympathy for if we knew aaannyytthiinnggg else about his backstory

like, could he just be Like That, yeah

but most people i know who are assholes like that are that way because their parents were first /shrug/

can hardly fault the dude for turning out like that when poison was all he was given to drink

anyone else a hundred percent positive they would’ve drowned in the first trial

i would absolutely have panicked and bit it

but then again, i’m not kingsman material, i’m roanoke

and if this is the exact same test that merlin and harry went through, does that mean there might be some weird drowning trauma hidden back in there that’s just ANOTHER thing we’re not gonna talk about?

(yes the correct answer is yes)

god that’s such an american response to the problem though

glass can’t cause problems if it’s in a million pieces!

“yeah you can wipe those smirks off your faces…”

i wonder if there was ever a situation where a trainee actually drowned

and i don’t mean like amelia, i mean some poor kid who just failed the test

merlin knows how to put the fear of god in people though!

and mark strong, very handsome, yes, very scary, also yes

he and colin both look like they’re 80 percent leg in every single scene

harry literally had brain matter smatter ALL OVER HIS FACE and still somehow had the mental facilities to be aware of those dudes, leave a bomb and dive out of a window (and then escape said dudes)

billy badass, y’all

“just get it done.” okay, i took back what i said earlier, maybe he does see her as more of an assistant, less than a partner. their relationship is weird.

the puppy scene!

“it’s a bulldog innit?”

YASSSS the golden trio

because of what happened with our other canon charlie has become a weird character for me to watch, like, yeah, i “watch” charlie be himself in tss but the charlie i “see” is like—”our” charlie.

“bollocks!” and then he just runs with jb in his vest, makes me smile

aannddd we see valentine’s super cool factory

harry your hair gets so long <3

“water!” wow, who wants to bet that the fact he was instantly screaming means that maybe he’s gonna have some stuff to talk about in therapy later

roxy baby i’m sorry they made you hold the balloon and have to trust these dumbasses to not shoot you on accident

i would trust roxy to not shoot me

i love, love love valentine’s house

it’s gorgeous

set design is always such a cool way for filmmakers to include details about a character using pure aesthetics and i’m such a slut for it

tilde!

see also: one of the characters done the WORST by these movies imo!

the fact that she not only says no, she says no with enthusiasm and gets blatantly pissed, is one of the best insights we get into tilde’s character and then it just—gets wasted

like it takes three steps and then gets mowed down in the hallway like her guards

i would never be given the opportunity to be asked if i wanted an implant but i draw the line at having stuff put into my neck

awwww harry’s so proud!

that finger point “yeah, see, be more like your uncle”

merlin is SO TALL

“a bit much innit?”

he’s just—tapping a normal clipboard

… nobody wanna talk about how that’s a normal clipboard

anyway

i also love how they show him in professor sweaters for the beginning acts of the movie

definitely a softer aesthetic than one would guess for a dude who apparently did field missions sometime within the past decade or so, but i also have a theory that lee’s death directly contributed to merlin maybe being the man behind the screen as opposed to afield

because trauma is a thing but this is a FUN movie so we’re NOT gonna talk about it

“you’re gonna be all right. you’re top of the class!” this was the scene that made my mom a reggsy shipper

regardless of how you feel about them as a couple, their friendship is one of the best things about this movie, along with their dynamic with charlie, asjdnaskdjna WHY could we not have had a trio movie instead

eggsy you show-off “lemme just throw my arms up and dip outta this plane like it’s not a big deal”

roxy you can do it!

ugh, there goes my baby, off to have a near-death experience under merlin’s immediate supervision lmao

“good girl, rox, glad you made it!”

guys, they’re just kids.

i love this big group scene because it reminds us that these are just young folks, still

“my, my, you’re all very cheerful...”

“rufus, come on!” dude eggsy—and not even just eggsy, charlie and rox too--at least made an attempt at teamwork. you get points for that bro

but man, for all they know, they’re about to beef it in a very permanent way, i’d be freaking out too

merlin getting caught up in the drama

because again, he’s supposed to know that eggsy has a parachute

i think he wasn’t prepared for these two to get that close to not making it and that’s why we see him break face and drop his mug

*WHAM*

i HATE the sound of them landing

it’s not like you can hear bones breaking but it hurts me, guys

and then there were three

plus one daddy long legs quartermaster

“if you have a complaint you come here and you whisper it in my ear.”

yes SIR

“you need to take that chip off your shoulder.”

merlin coming’ in with the tough love portion of the kingsman core squad

there’s no reason for me to think harry’s persona was inspired by cruella de ville somehow but i do anyway

she reveals the mcdonald’s and valentine is just :D

idk if he was expecting a specific reaction or was just excited to see a reaction period

valentine is definitely a fun villain, which, given the tone of the movie, makes sense, it’s all supposed to be fun

one of the reasons i love kingsman is that it’s like, this golden ray of goofy cinematic fuckery in a world of grim!dark remakes and other superhero/spy films who are presented as more serious stories

“and thank you for such a—happy, meal.”

harry got a puppy smile

but see, then, here at his house he’s a lot more relaxed with gazelle! like, patting her butt, etc.

maybe what we see of their relationship is dependent on setting, because valentine himself has it compartmentalized?

perrrrrrhaps

“and i am never, EVER GOING TO AGREE!”

tilde, you deserved better, and i think all the weird hate you get from our ohana is unfair

you don’t twist a runner’s ankle before the race starts and then get mad when they don’t win

your story was mishandled from the beginning

asmr: hanging out with the golden trio watching worrying news in the kingsman trainee bunker room

the way he says “biblical sense” lmao

i have never been able to figure out if the way he says that line is supposed to infer spiritual respect, or lack of it, but i might be looking too into it

“it’s an acquired taste, mate.”

what—what would you even do if you were at a club and three people as hot as taron, ed and sophie all came up and start talking to you at the same time

like i know the target got up and left pretty quick because of the training exercise

but i’d be doing it because i’m ugly and if three hot people are all talking me up at a bar something is Bad and Wrong

which—the CAHONES on both eggsy and roxy

they both literally said “yeah i’m willing to die for this organization that hasn’t even given me a permanent place yet, what of it”

look at harry’s dimples in this scene, he is fighting a huge grin, he’s SO PROUD

i know that charlie’s response is supposed to be just more fodder into the “charlie hesketh is a tool” fire

but given that i’m not unconvinced that his home life wasn’t super shitty, like—

idk, this makes this scene a lot less fun to me. it makes it sad.

like, maybe charlie didn’t even want to be there deep down, maybe this was all for like, arthur, or his dad, or some other person he looked up to

and the way merlin looks when he tells charlie to go home, the way that he’s kinda grimacing? i’m wondering if he’s along the same kind of feeling. he’d know more about charlie’s history

have i also mentioned how much i love harry’s war room?

“YES harry!”

an evil plan is being born!

“true nobility is being superior to your former self.”

eggsy is still in his club clothes, so like—has he slept? y’all let those kids sleep after fucking drugging them, right? … guys?

“—when one is popping ones cherry.”

and eggsy is just CHEESING he is SO EXCITED

am i the only one who wants to learn more about the store clerk guy though?

he’s like the one person around who’s legit just there to run the shop

has no idea about any of the spy stuff happening

his name is donald, he’s married with three children and has two spaniels he loves

“THAT is sick.”

i would KILL for this room.

i don’t need anything in here for any reason but still

foreshadowing, foreshadowing, foreshadowing, more foreshadowing—

harry is such a NERD

“put it back, eggsy.”

the amount of self-control it would take to not have a sudden change in expression in that moment, omg

i wonder how THAT gets trained up in kingsman

“i guarantee it.” ha, get it, it’s a reference to that one commercial

“y’all—talk so funny.”

and this all means that they had a contact at that hat shop and got all that info to them before valentine got there, and somehow made sure he did end up buying a hat that they could also successfully put a bug on, how deep does this goooooo

“jack bauer?”

it says a lot about eggsy that out of all the jb’s it could’ve been, it was jack

uggghhhhhh of course they HAD to do this scene with eggsy with arthur

obviously harry couldn’t do it

i just think most of us would NOT be fans of arthur at this point in the movie, we’re all rooting for eggsy, like, he needs this moment with this other character because we gotta drive home that he’s an asshole

also—would have absolutely failed that test

and i’m not sorry at all

“welcome to kingsman--lancelot.”

i was really happy that it was a female agent who ended up getting the handle

aannddd more echoes of past scenes, man, nobody can say that this crew wasn’t intentional with their cinematography

when eggsy rolls the window down you can see his chest moving up and down, like, he is MAD

dean you asshole

so no wonder he gets so pissed that the car suddenly decides “nope, no, we’re not doing this, c’mon”

this entire conversation at harry’s house is—tense

and you don’t pick up on it the first time, i don’t think, but uh

i’m seeing it now

harry’s not just mad, he’s hurt, and eggsy’s furious but he’s also maybe regretting his actions.

it’s these two men who are rapidly trying to figure out their headspaces and trying to figure out how to navigate this situation with each other

and the way eggsy tries to apologize ;-;

kentucky is a beautiful state, actually

ohhhhhh y’alllll

we’re at the churrrccchhhh

we’re gettin’ closer to the coolest part of the movieeeee

it’s telling that gazelle was trying to make sure that they’d be safe

“… so hail satan, and have a lovely afternoon madame.”

the most metal lines colin firth has ever uttered on camera

the siren noise after it’s switched on bothers me in a way i can’t quite articulate

it might be because i have silent hill-colored trauma, who knows

FREEEEEE

BIIIRRRDDDDDDD

THE GREATEST ACTION TRACKING SHOT IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA

but then eggsy and merlin are reacting aaaanndddd it’s—a lot less fun

because you realize that they’re watching their bro mercilessly slaughter innocent people and not stopping

and still not stopping

and still not stopping

but plot twist, i’m really glad they kept the track going, because if they’d suddenly picked *this* part of the scene to get serious, that would’ve brought the mood down so low that i don’t think there would’ve been any bouncing back

i just

how do people exist who aren’t attracted to harry hart

that man is a machine

and colin worked so hard to be able to do the scene himself, and that work SHOWS, that man cuts a FIGURE

i don’t know how they managed to somber it up just the right amount, either? maybe because they waited for the “fun action sequence” to be over so there wouldn’t need to be noise that had to be masked by a fun rock track?

“… what did you do to me.”

i cannot imagine what harry was feeling in that moment.

the way he spoke it was like he didn’t even have time to be afraid to die

“that tends to happen when you shoot somebody in the head. feels good, right?”

“no, it does not feel good!”

i love that exchange because we normally hear the opposite.

also—whiplash.

mark has this way of expressing grief without showing any—blatant signs.

like merlin’s not especially tearful, or crying, but his eyes look MASSIVE. and SAD. and he has just the tiiiiiniest tremor in his voice.

and eggsy, dude, like, we’ve all had it come on us really quick and suddenly it’s like your chest is pumping like a piston and when did it get so hard to breathe?

ARTHUR you REPULSE me

like look at how egssy’s shoulders sag when he realizes that arthur isn’t on his team

and in a way, this is eggsy’s final test as a kingsman trainee, imo

do you realize how quickly he had to assess what was happening and figure out what to do, all without arthur noticing?

“you are all alone. it is all up to you. remember all you have learned. good luck.”

it’s a very—almost horror-esque situation from that pov

and he passed with flying colors to go on his first true mission, because after he puts on the suit, that’s his visual cue of graduating, if that makes sense

that’s the knight putting on his armor.

“i’d rather be with harry. thanks.”

“so be it.”

*click*

me: *laughing at arthur’s big dumb stupid head*

… man i’d love a replica of that decanter and glasses set though

not to mention that eggsy recognized the flaws in arthur’s character and weaponized them, which is a whole other level of shit that isn’t necessarily easy; he knew that arthur carried the kind of pride that would leave him open

god, he looks so exhausted though when rox has him at gunpoint.

i think he was being pretty serious, about harry

sick helipaaaaaaad

that thing looks vaguely like a rock-‘em sock-‘em robot but in pieces though

more grandpa sweaters <3

man. you can see roxy swallow, you know she’s scared, but then she just sets her jaw and—

roxy baby you are the best i love you

i like the vintage vibe of the mountain lair

i think that’s another visual poke at the aesthetic themes of some of the older, og spy flicks out there

merlin looks SO LANKY walking back to the plane for some reason??

he stays until the last second for roxy. that’s love right there.

“a bespoke suit always fits.”

which can be good spiritual life advice too but that’s a separate conversation

“what the fuck is WRONG with you people?”

and his fuckin’ disco ball

uuggggghhhhh his speech reminds me of so many… “public figures” that i dislike

even though it’s obviously a bad thing that the chips are everywhere, i appreciate that phones and such are being shown in a positive manner (like, michelle talking to someone in the park, people at a ball game taking selfies, people at the beach, etc.) because i get so sick of that anti-tech boomer humor tbh

and the big reveal of eggsy in his suitttt

A KNIGHT IS BORN

“how’s the view?”

“hideous.”

you’re allowed to be crabby baby, you just let it out.

“lookin’ good, eggsy.”

“feelin’ good, merlin.”

merlin is so calm heading into the fortress and i don’t know if it’s because he’s very, very good at compartmentalizing and that’s genuinely how he is at the moment or if he’s that way through extreme self-control and effort

he can rock a pilot’s uniform though

just like eggsy can rock a suit

they’re both so handsome, help

i also wonder how eggsy’s feeling right then

like, i’d imagine that the pressure of having to perform a role to literally save the world would be enough to distract him from the bite of grief

that’s—probably enough to distract everyone, tbh

i a hundred percent believe there are breakdowns we don’t see

i wonder if eggsy told tilde he’d spoken to lindstrum(sp?) after everything was said and done

like, that’d be some kind of weird foreshadowing in hindsight

this scene is anxiety-inducing in a big way so to distract myself i imagine roxy as a mech pilot

dude i’d totally watch sophie in a role like that, like, let her be in a movie like pacific rim, she’d kick ass

and now we have The Chaos

otherwise known as that point when Everything Is Happening All At Once All The Time

also a thing that doesn’t exist in spy movies: hearing damage

because like his voice is right in eggsy’s ear and without it he’d have a LOT harder time surviving

imagine being an agent, merlin trying to talk to you, but something either hits your ear or goes off right next to it and suddenly it’s just silent

SYSTEM FAILURE

YAAASSSSS

WE WIN

GGOOOAAAAALLLLLL

THE AUDIENCE IS DOING THE WAVE

except JUST KIDDING

The Chaos 2 Electric Boogaloo!

merlin with a huge gun: hot, also, very scary

eggsy is just 10000% done

“this is mine. i’ll show you yours.”

i wonder who e man was supposed to be that valentine called.

like is that a reference to a real person that i just did’t catch?

… elon musk? maybe? idk

eggsy slides like a gd anime character

when he uses the rainmaker, it’s just like harry’s protecting him from somewhere else

(oh—wait, technically kentucky, i guess)

“merlin, i’m fucked.” you can hear the anger there. not only did he fail, but he—and everyone else—is about to die

but this? this is the pinnacle of eggsy showing himself as a kingman agent

he was staring death straight in the mouth and STILL

SOMEHOW

REMEMBERED THE IMPLANTS

so i guess if i say that the moment when he puts on the suit is when he becomes a true agent, then maybe this is the moment when he becomes galahad.

*bobs head to pomp & circumstance*

i remember getting a huge kick out of how colorful they made this

because in real life you know a bunch of people literally blowing up would be like—DISGUSTING

viscera everywhere

no fun rainbow mushroom clouds

“i’ve always wanted to kiss a princess.”

ANOTHER knight reference, very clever matthew

mmmmm Do Not Like that noise

aaaannndddd *that* line

which—maybe that’s mr. vaughn’s sense of humor, or what he thinks the sense of humor his core demographic has, idk

but it always kinda rubbed me the wrong way

the mass brawl scenes are edited so like--jarringly compared to the other fight scenes in the movie

that’s probably for a reason

also, a showdown to the tune of something disco: kind of another trope homage

this shot of gazelle is so sick, i love everything about it, she is so cool

this entire fight with eggsy is awesome tbh

we got a little bit of what gazelle can look like in combat earlier with tilde’s guards, but now we get this epic showdown seeing her at her full potential against someone who’s actually a challenge

and the way valentine is shouting for her to kick his ass from upstairs and yelling encouragement lmao that’s how real friends act when there’s a fight

daisy ;-; ugh, that’s the visual gutpunch that makes it juuuuuust serious enough by reminding us of the stakes

which is why it’s fitting that then we see the Slo-Mo K.O.

and that smile with the fun little chimes in the back, lmao

and eggsy, quick on his feet again byyyy being quick on gazelle’s feet—foot—whatever

man, impalement deaths are always fun.

coulda done without the vomiting but that’s also one of valentine’s quirks that makes him different from a cookie cutter villain

aaannddd have a heavy sigh from merlin

that dude needs a full-body massage and a drink

“is this where you say some really bad pun?”

reminder: i love that this movie is self-aware! i could not picture a super serious kingsman movie! i just picture something depressing!

there had to have been a better option besides—this, for this eggsy/tilde ending scene

i’m not saying i’m mad it ended with them fucking, i’m mad that the extent of the joke was anal and that was it.

also the idea of my boss possibly seeing me having sex would have me a little more concerned about the hardware on my face, but okay??

aannddd the tapes.

gah, we love visual throwbacks!

we love being able to see that despite all this growth and change, family remains very important to eggsy—he hasn’t changed into a different person, he has grown more into himself than ever before! THIS! THIS is eggsy unwin!

… GET READY FOR IT

time for tgc! (and to get into my roanoke feels, maybe, this is the nexus where our canons connect)

the BAGPIPES

okay

i did not stop to consider how unpleasant this was going to be to watch stoned but we’re gonna power through it and get through it together

if i cry i cry

the way the music swells into the main theme <3

and the perfect reveal for our boy eggsy!

reflected in gold, looking sharper than broken glass

and SUDDENLY CHARLIE

the pacing in tgc leads me to believe that matthew had huge plans for this movie, and a lot of cool stuff probably ended up on the cutting room floor for time

i also love that they brought charlie back

i love his voice box and his cool robot arm

and i’m not just saying that because it made it super easy to blend him into our canon, either, this is like—charlie’s evil twin in terms of his new aesthetic, the contrast is really cool

YYAASSSS THIS SCENE

WITH PRINCE PLAYING??

*CHEF’S KISS*

like we are IMMEDIATELY thrown back into the gold parts of it all, like how physics is a little broken so we can do cool shit like have a knockdown drag-out fight all within the space of a small cab

i wonder what would’ve hurt charlie worse—being thrown onto his organic side, or having all his weight land on his metal arm if it hadn’t disattached

but then he’s up and standing so i guess we’re fine?

MERLIN! <3

otherwise known as the character entrance that literally changed my life

i try not to think about it too much or i get weirded out

ANYWAY

(and to think i almost never even saw the movie)

Sick Car Chase, Bro

and as an american, like, everything’s on the opposite side to me, it’s stressful to watch a little bit

“i seem to remember in your training you were rather good at holding your breath.”

man, that’s uh—kind of a macabre thing to say, merlin

just a little bit

i’m not even gonna attempt to hold my breath to see if i’d survive this scene just assume i’m dead in that universe

we all live in a kingsman subarmine, a kingsman submarine, a kingsman submarine~~

“not boasting, but i trained him well enough that even he wouldn't mess that up.”

merlin are you okay??

gah, i love that chest-deep laugh though.

is it real love if they won’t crawl through the sewer to get to your house in time

i love that harry’s house looks basically the same

i know they talk about eggsy not wanting to change anything in the novelization but i haven’t read it yet so I’m not a hundred percent sure what all is in there

and we still get to see him hanging with his friends, and his girlfriend, like, this dude is still all about the family

“wwwwOOOOO!”

i love this group so much omg

for as much as he’s galahad, he’s still eggsy

the transition in the weed bag looks super cool

… oh, i guess watching this while high makes the main storyline hit a bit different

welp

i love that poppy is an aesthetic slut and really doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s opinion about how she makes her space

like, “i want a big 50s-style diner with a gourmet kitchen that i can cook people in, soooooo i’m getting one”

it’s also refreshing to see julianne moore in a bad guy role!

not that i’m super familiar with her filmography but i feel like i’ve mostly seen her cast as like a good guy?

i could be wrong

awwwww jet and bennie!

there’s so much to love about this set

cannibalism and the fact that she bulldozed jungle to build all this aside (suspend that belief!)

the breakfast sceeeeeene

it’s so bittersweet, for obvious reasons

and it’s more evidence that he’s not super ready to move on into new territory yet, like making new memories with tilde that ring close to home

“i wish i could have met him.”

and the way he has to turn away, ugh.

eggsy. i’m sorry.

tilde, i’m sorry, too. you had good intentions, but they lost against his pain.

michael gambdon! the new arthur we didn’t know we wanted until we got him.

charlie had a moral glo-down, it’s fine, happens to everybody

FFFFFF his imitation of merlin lmfao

man, poor charlie, like

you wake up, you can’t make a sound, your arm has been blown off and your family’s dead

like his reaction to that entire scenario isn’t entirely unrealistic, i’m just saying

also LOOK AT ROX

omg everyone in this movie can wear the FUCK out of suit, y’all

man, i’ve gotten a few tattoos that were exquisitely painful—i can’t imagine how much it would suck to do it with literal molten metal

dude this means clara laid on her stomach and probably screamed at the floor as she got hers D:

this kinda—riffs off of hannibal, a teeny-tiny bit

like we’re so overloaded with the aesthetics and behavior of a certain character so it’s like, we forget about the much darker parts untillllll there’s a mood change and we’re looking at that dude’s legs, to the burger this other dude puts in his mouth, and thinking “oh, oh dear, ew”

i love eggsy in the orange jacket <3 snaps for the wardrobe crew across this series.

tilde’s face, omg, she was heart-eyeing so bad. and like, that little proud nod at her dad (who was of course being Like That on purpose)

and roxy, coming in in the clutch, you are tonight’s MVP

uggghhhhh i hate this part

because again, it’s just--a bunch of bad shit colliding outside of anyone’s control

(it was also really jarring seeing the war room with blank walls the first time i watched this)

like—granted, you should maybe not touch stuff that’s not yours, but…

like we *just* saw eggsy and brandon in a very casual, intimate scene with each other, how can anyone get angry with brandon?

this is all stress-inducing

i remember being in the theater watching this and feeling like i was watching some awful slow motion car wreck and i couldn’t look away

idk what other story i would’ve wanted to see but i was NOT a fan of Sudden Death For Christmas, especially concerning roxy!

and poppy is such a *bright* villain, not just because of taste but because of her personality, which is another weird thing to have next to the cannibalism

gaaahhhh charlieeee your arm is so cooooool

this shot is gorgeous and incredibly depressing.

what do you do?

gah, and the way merlin comes out of the dark, like

i probably would’ve drawn a gun on him too

“you think *i* would?”

this scene shows 1. how much he trusts eggsy to not shoot him, and/or 2. how good merlin is at compartmentalizing, because this is an even bigger blow than harry’s death, and he’s following the protocol like it’s an art form

i hope that we see some reference to this safe in the next movie, that’d be a cool way to tie the narratives all together

“i suppose that must be upper class humor. … i don’t get it.”

reminder, merlin is working class.

if you’re a ho for this fandom and went and bought this whiskey specifically because of this movie clap your hands *clap clap*

and they proceed to just get HAMMERED

“country rooaaddsss… take me hoooooome…”

another reminder: kentucky is a beautiful state!

i would love to tour a whiskey distillery, that’d be super cool

“shame it’s not scotch”

again, with his weird night vale clipboard.

who would win: two highly-trained kingsman agents vs. one (1) cowboy

channing tatum, ladies and gentlemen!

“y’all look damn sharp!”

i am forever gonna be mad we didn’t get more of tequila in this movie, and not just because of roanoke either, but like, “that dog don’t hunt,” whatever he has in his mouth sealed a leak in a barrel, and it took him all of two minutes to incapacitate both eggsy AND merlin? hello??

i’m glad we’ll get to see more of him in the another movie.

“you know why the measurement of alcohol is called proof?”

just dumping it on their laps, so disrespectful

“—and you can go fuck yourself.”

eggsy fucking just giggling.

these two doofuses

also it’s hot to see merlin be sassy ngl

“HARRY!”

these guys have been fast thinkers in stressful situations but as it turns out, people being unexpectedly not dead can kinda fuck with your day

aaannddd halle berry, everybody! i love ginger ale omg

(and so does merlin, he is instantly enchanted)

;-; this reunion scene

i don’t know how colin manages to be two completely different people at once

like there’s a huge difference between former agent galahad and harry hart the lepidopterist and i can’t explain it

i really, really hope we see at least one little hint at kinsman’s relationship with statesman in the new movie, i just think it’d be really cool

in roanoke canon, there’s an office rumor that the nanobot tech used by statesman was influenced directly by the same technology developed by dr. wernicke in the outlast games. i still think it’s one of my better crossover ideas.

also

god bless whoever decided to get elton john involved with all this?? because i was DELIGHTED

i love poppy’s wardrobe as much as i love her weird 50s-land in the jungle

i also really love the main statesman theme? it reminds me of all those fun epic westerns

jeff bridges! :D

champ vaguely reminds me of my dad

“can you imagine us in the tailor business?”

and he’s super quick with the questions. my headcanons for champ are all over the place but one that i really like is that he was maybe a sheriff or in law enforcement before being recruited by statesman.

aaanndddd pedro pascal, everybody!

otherwise known as *another* character that this movie did dirty, that’ll probably come up in this later

imagine being harry hart, not remember all of yourself, and suddenly your entire room just—fills with water

that had to have been so terrifying, and it was just as hard for merlin to watch (and possibly remember something unpleasant)

and like

that sounds like SUCH bullshit, too, like “yeah we thought if you came close to drowning it would help”

which, is that what merlin meant, no, but is that what harry heard, probably

enter jb the second ;-; <3 sweet baby

tilde’s trying so hard. i see you!

aha, penis jokes.

and all of the unnecessary weird festival stuff, uuggghh

there are so many different things they could have done, like, all of this is just weird from the get-go

first of all, whiskey striking out? hello?? saying no to a man like mr. pascal???

not realistic

the way whiskey takes a shot as he walks away lmao, relatable

and poor clara, like, it’s not like she was asking for any of this D:

hmmmmmmm don’t know how i feel being a stoner watching other stoners get this blue rash thing when i know it kills some of themmmmmmm

i love charlie in his newsboys cap!

poppy has a little bit of a point. like, booze is way more dangerous than pot, as is tobacco. like i would never advocate anyone try meth or heroin, but i think weed and some hallucinogenics get bad wraps.

seeing a dude get torn in half in the reflection of elton john’s sunglasses is the surprising bit of gore we need to remember that oh, yeah, the villain isn’t fun, she’s a murderer

uuggghhhh the TENT SCENE

and, look, i’ll defend tilde forever, but i did NOT like the weird marriage ultimatum. i still think it’s a dick move, like, in that situation either decide to trust your boyfriend or break up with him

the tent interior is super cool-looking

and like, man, he tried, he tried to bounce D:

/sigh/ work hazards, i guess

mmmmmm we don’t need any of what’s happening on screen right now so i’ll just sit patiently and wait for it to be over

and like, there’s nothing funny about merlin and ginger being able to hear everything that’s going on, it’s so grosssss, poor ginger has to have heard some shit before to be so nonchalant about it

everything about this sucks

and then he tries going to the one person who he needs the most and having to deal with him still existing in some state between alive and dead

his body is here

but harry is not

“maggots turn into flies, perhaps you mean larvae!” :D he is SO CUTE

but this entire conversation, with harry still not remembering and eggsy trying so hard to reach him through the fog, is so depressing

like, i’d need a drink too

*and* a joint

i’m seeing my coping mechanisms on screen here folks

the way he comes up with the idea is kinda ingenious though

like, he’s looking at stuff to make himself bummed on purpose, but therein he finds the thing he needs to fix the issue

harry’s smile when eggsy hands him the puppy TT.TT

and then eggsy just becomes a stone cold motherfucker with no emotions

“no one’s sick enough to shoot a puppy!”

hi, flashback!harry

and as SOON as he remembers himself, it’s like his eyes are different, something about him looks like it did before kentucky

“… eggsy.”

one of my favorite movie hugs

and eggsy has to stand on his tiptoes because harry’s so tall

like yeah merlin and harry’s reunion isn’t as overtly emotional, but there’s definitely a sense of joy and relief there.

harry my baby ;-; much better with the sunglasses (and merlin was so close to telling him he looked spectacular)

“now is that any way to welcome a visit from outta town, moonshine?”

he! tried! to! defend! harry!

i hate that jack got a villain story line!

we could’ve had something so much better and infinitely more compelling!

“hurrrr durrrr morgan you just like redemption arcs because you don’t want anybody being a villain permanently” i also like them because sometimes that’s better writing, y’all sit down

“that is NOT what i call a kentucky welcome.”

i love so many things happening in this scene, like

we get to see whiskey kick ass, like yassss gimme those sweet action sequences and give us some character development by showcasing his fighting style

and also NOBODY shits on harry for not being able to handle the situation. both eggsy and merlin were like “dude we’re still celebrating the fact that you’re alive tbh it’s fine if you’re not back up to speed right this second”

you can really tell that this was penned by british people writing american slang because having grown up in the southern half of the u.s. i have never ONCE heard ANYONE say shit like “i feel like a tornado in a trailer park” lmao

and poppy’s fun little death threat infomercial, so great

“what have you done to me you FUCKING BITCH” oof, that’s a mood

!!!!! gonna be honest i kinda forgot that bruce greenwood plays the president

okay but save lives, legalize isn’t an entirely bad idea tbh

hnnnnnnng the scenes about people not being able to get into the hospital hits different in the year of our lord 2020 huh

… y’all i’m being weirded out by all this hospital scenes, this is unpleasant

i, too, wish i could pull a tequila and just be slipped into a chilly coma until shit wasn’t so fucked up

“the fact is, this presidency has won the war on drugs!”

THIS SCENE!

look, y’all can come into my inbox and call me a pothead, or a lazy stoner, or some third insult, but this dude’s VP is bringing up some very, VERY important points when it comes to any kind of discussion about drug use in the u.s.

am i drug-friendly, sure, but i’m more friendly to the notion that we stop demonizing addicts/users

harry looks fucking SCANDALIZED when he sees champ spit into his spittoon thing

i don’t think whiskey even brought up harry not being ready to return to the field in an insulting manner, he literally just saw him get his ass beat in a bar, but eggsy’s faith and loyalty are up there in the category of unstoppable force/immovable object, so here we are

am i the only one curious about the whole charlie x clara thing? because he’s definitely grown up a bit by tgc, and i wanna know how much of that might be because of clara

and he MISSES, e for effort harry

“so sorry about this—“ WHAM

and now that guy can say colin firth busted his face with a fire extinguisher, which is very cool

“*you’re* wu ting feng?” “… yes?”

“you motherFUCKER” ohhhhhh charlie maaaaaad

ginger and merlin though, #couplegoals

the only person more pissed off about the hallucinations than everyone else is harry

imagine remembering that you’re one of the top people in your field and you just keep seeing imaginary butterflies everywhere

like, yeah, i’d be pissed at not being able to do what i knew i was capable of, too

if it wasn’t careening towards a random retirement center, getting stuck in a wildly rotating gondola thing could be fun

nice tuesday afternoon activity

i would loved to have seen more galahad/whiskey field stuff

“you’ve got to be fucking kidding me—“

meanwhile, in the continuing adventures of eggsy and jack: shit goes from bad to worse like a formal spiral only going downward

their expressions as their both just SCREAMING always make me laugh

”that’s the first decent shit i’ve had in three weeks.” <- as does that line, that old dude’s just telling it like it is

eggsy’s comment about the antidote just reminds me of when boromir looks a the ring and says something like “all this for such a tiny thing”

dun dun DUN what are THOSE? hints that whiskey may not be who we think he is??

great. so excited about that. i say, rolling my eyes into the sun

“i’ll fix their wagons.” no one says that matthew!

i. love. this. scene. because now we get cool gun tricks AND the second most metal thing that happens with a lasso in this movie (we’re coming up on the most metal thing)

like please please PLEASE show us more lasso tricks in the statesman movie

“well thank fuckin’ christ i didn’t need any backup.” i wonder if whiskey’s acting angrier than he actually is to throw off the fact that he might’ve caught harry’s glance at him betraying suspicion

RIP jack

imagine the timeline where whiskey was never a bad guy and harry hart just blew a dude away for NO REASON

now THAT would be an interesting movie

because harry and eggsy, for all they went through in the first film, never had a conflict where it was harry in the position of mangling the ropes up

but of course eggsy would never, never tell merlin what happened because he’s still ultimately on harry’s team

damn, charlie, literally blowing up your girlfriend seems kinda extreme

“THIS is vital!”

and here we get to see the biggest difference between merlin and ginger

now, i know there’s extra stuff in the novelization about their relationship and i can’t talk about it because i have no idea what’s in the book

but!

i DO still headcanon as merlin quitting fieldwork after lee’s death

his comment is either what he genuinely believes, or maybe what he fashioned his beliefs into after stepping down from his field role, and ginger is just as sincere in her desire to break into that aspect of working for statesman

it’s like seeing the same character but in two points in time, and it’s really cool

that balance would’ve also been a fun aspect of their romantic relationship to explore but alas! ’twas not to be

colin and mark could both play slenderman

look at those limbs.

gracious.

also this facetime scene with eggsy and tilde T.T

that has to be so terrifying to watch when you know the steps of death and what they look like as they get closer

but it also puts a fire under eggsy though

“i’m leaving with, or without you.”

and of course they’re both gonna go because that’s NOT characteristic eggsy behavior based off of how we know he views family/squad

that’s how they know he’s being for cereal

uugggggGGHHHH and THAT FORESHADOING

stacey pruitt, attorney at lawwwww

hmmmmmmmmm

what does this conversation between poppy and the president remind me of

gonna just sigh into the void

and now we have harry and eggsy on the jet along with the BIGGEST LIE harry hart has ever told in his LIFE

kingsman and statesman aesthetics at least tend to be the same color schemes. lotta golds, yellows. browns.

eggsy, yeah, it’s a bummer your gf dumped you, but this relationship wasn’t very well-developed or written so i’m not as bummed as i could be

“… and in that moment, all i felt was loneliness and regret.”

harry shut the FUCK UP

you felt NOTHING??

you weren’t thinking of, gee, i dunno, EGGSY? or MERLIN?? your MOM???

like these lines from him just seem to come out of left field and i can’t even halfway suspend my belief long enough to come close to believing him

like mr. hart you just gonna be like that in front of jesus and everybody????

so, yeah, of course he’s on board with saving tilde! because he recognizes (apparently just right that second) that “having something to lose is what makes life worth living”

and i don’t know if they felt like there need to be some weird, deeply contrasting reason for harry to swing around to being in support? or something?

like

i’m forever pissed about this characterization and i don’t even know if i’m expressing my anger in a way that makes it easy to understand lmao this is fine, i’m fine, literally not a single person in this fandom ever believed those lines anyway, it’s fine

moving on

... and even if they WERE true then honestly that just makes me more excited about butterfly knife, because that means that harry acknowledged both the bad side of the coin, and also the side with rae on it (which would mean seeing her for who she was and also recognizing his feelings for what THEY were) and drew the ultimately correct conclucision that love! is! always! worth! it! let that shit in like a welcome guest in the home of your heart, and they will stay as long as you let them!

as SOON as he wakes up ginger looks a thousand percent done lmao

and the “process” that they use to wake people up or whatever is—interesting

because all it is, is trauma turned into a tool which is kind of a weird concept to see in a “fun spy movie” imo

and this is one of what i feel were like only what, two? glimpses we get into whiskey’s Tragic Backstory

and the other scene isn’t a glimpse it’s just straight up exposition in his dialogue :/

jack, i’m sorry, you deserved better than this as a character

i’m sure the name “silver pony” is a reference to something but i don’t know what

“lookin’ GOOD merlin!” “feelin’ good, eggsy.”

ladies and gentlemen when i tell you that i lost my pool-noodle mind seeing him put on that suit watching this in a theater, i--

ANYWAY

because now that i have the horrible burden of having seen these movies a million times

i know it’s more symbolic

he stays in sweaters so long, as an agent of the background, because he walked a man to his death

so it figures when he puts the armor back on for the first time in ages

he walks to his own

uuuggghhhh the minesweeper

i hate this

i hate it

i hate everything about the feelings i’m having while this is happening

*beep-beep*

“you move, we die.”

i HATE IT

but like, i don’t know, how preferable is this to the end scene we almost got, which was merlin dragging his newly-legless corpse through a doggy door?

because it’s been literally multiple years and i still have no fucking idea

they’re both horrible in their own terrible, awful ways

damn, matthew, it’s not often someone manages to come up with multiple versions of a thing and have every version be so gut-wrenchingly horrific, i’m truly impressed and completely disgusted

“do as your told!”

god

everyone just going through twenty shades of Bad Feelings in the space of fifteen seconds here in the jungle

and colin and taron do this thing where it’s like—their eyes go dead? like, there was a light here, it’s gone now

it SUCKS

oh

oh no

ALMOST HEAVEN

WEST VIRGINIA

… fuck

LIFE IS OLD THERE

OLDER THAN THE TREES

“… singing?”

this sucks.

this sucks this sucks this sucks

MOUNTAIN MAMAAAAA

TAKE ME HOOOOME

COUNTRY ROOOADDSSSSS

*THUNK*

and he even took off his glasses before he hit him, he had his end coming towards him and he was still a gentleman

TAKE ME HOOOME

COUNTRY RROOOOAAAADDDSSSSS

his EYES AT THE END

FUCK

… okay i had to get up and go for a lil’ walk

anyway

(and again, roanoke canon, fucking fixing’ shit left and right, because we’re the goat)

harry and eggsy look MURDEREROUS

MERLIN SAID KNOCK YOU OUT

it DID make the grand ending fun action scene a lot more satisfying

because like, without merlin there, that means harry and eggsy get to go full feral

poppy you big idiot you just robbed them of all their motivation to show any kind of restraint and now everybody’s gonna get blown up

except for those dudes who get kicked by elton john

which would be an HONOR first of all

(the part where eggsy’s using his gun and shield vaguely reminds me of the specialist, @bloodofthepen​)

and harry and eggsy just—they’re drift compatible! that’s it! the teamwork! the grace! the flow! my god!

eggsy vs. charlie: round like 4 if you count the first movie

it was also satisfying to see charlie’s new arm in action

we love fun robotics and gadgetry in this house

colin firth is really just not afraid to throw himself full force down a bowling lane huh

ugh, seeing charlie slam eggsy over and over again makes my chest hurt

the sound mixing on all these films is top notch which isn’t always a good thing T.T

ROCKETMAN~~~

that shit will never NOT be funny

a wild elton john appeared!

eggsy is indestructible, he can walk off anything

but charlie, charlie i feel really sorry for, imagine being attacked by a superior version of your own limb, i.e. something that you can’t exactly quickly remove from yourself, that would be TERRIFYING

harry + elton = dream teaaaammmm

“darling if you save the world, you can have a backstage pass.”

i love you elton john :(

i would have been the most OBNOXIOUS hype man in the background of the entire kingsman vs. poppy land face-off

“let’s make this fair.” eggsy you’re fuckin’ cheeky

and poor harry, all that lank just getting tossed like noodles

i thought the robot puppers were very cool

“for the record charlie i’m more of a gentleman than you’ll ever be.”

mmmmmm do NOT like this death for charlie

SUPER glad we fixed it

and another scene where i can’t stand the sound mixing T.T it makes me cringe every time

“i don’t consider genocide especially lady-like.”

and are we gonna talk about how merlin knew how to make heroin?

… no?

nobody wanna talk about that?

ugh that houndstooth dress is so PRETTY though

high!poppy is weirdly comedic for all of two seconds and then it stops being funny real fast

whiskey D:<

this is so dumb

this is all so, so dumb

“our agencies were founded to uphold peace, to protect the innocent—“

there’s that nobility again

is what happened to whiskey fucked up, yes

i’m not saying we have to completely remove that from his story

i just

literally anything but this would have been preferable

and then HOT DOG it’s one of my favorite shots in the movie with the whip where harry’s just chucking it away from his face like a bamf, YES

how great is this cover, let’s be honest

like, i’d be lying if i said i didn’t enjoy this scene visually

plus

HARRY GETTING PEGGED RIGHT IN THE FACE WITH A FRYING PAN

gracious

it’s one fluid tracking shot, so kinda in alignmentment with what we’re used to

some people get annoyed with repeated junk but when you can do it THIS WELL you can get away with anything

D:

but then jack

you did NOT desert that

yes, you were in dire need of an attitude adjustment but jesus

“this is for you, merlin.”

/ugly sobbing/

and tilde is all betterrrrrr ;-;

you guys did itttttt

COUNTRY ROOOAAADDSS

TAKE ME HOOOOOOMMEEEE

TO THE PLAAAAAACCCEEEEE

I BELOOOOONNGGGG

and the scene with jamal and liam T.T #wholesomecontent

poor tequila, after i knew that you would have a bigger role in another movie, i was less annoyed by the fact that they iced you so quick into the story

#FOX2020

“… now we’re brothers, working side by side.”

spoiler alert i actually love champ’s toast

“y’all shittin’ in high cotton now” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???

and ginger becomes the new whiskey like she always wanted T.T

merlin is proud from heaven (or london, depending on which canon)

iiiiiii have mixed feelings about the whole wedding scene, which is probably because i take HUGE issue with the weird proposal ultimatum thing that happened earlier

but the way eggsy says “not a doubt in my mind,” he says it so seriously and i remember that tilde almost died

there was such good intention packed into this couple that was so badly written that i just

augh

“but it is perhaps the end of the beginning.”

there’s ***merlin! lmao i see you dude, they did you dirty

look

i was pissed off about a lot of things that happened in this thing but i was honestly hype seeing tequila at the very end walking into the tailor shop

like, yeah, i’ll stick around to see what happens in this universe but i’m gonna complain the whole time

GO JACK RABBIT

RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS

and again, i almost didn’t see this movie.

… i think about that morgan sometimes.

hope she’s doin’ okay.

…

she’s probably not. D:

#kingsman #kingsman: the secret service #kingsman: the golden circle #kingsman tss #kingsman tgc #the roanoke society #kingsman: tss #kingsman: tgc #taron egerton #mark strong #colin firth #edward holcroft #sophie cookson #mark hamill #samuel l. jackson #bruce greenwood #pedro pascal #jeff bridges #halle berry #juliann moore #sofia boutella #hanna alström #statesman #weed mention #kingsman the secret service #kingsman the golden circle

[oohlook-thevoid]

Yes, this is another post as a result of me watching Chapter 16 of The Mandalorian.

Ok, so one of the most pivotal elements of a piece of media is character dynamics, right? I mean, I'd argue its one of the most important - a story can have good characters, plot and worldbuilding but without good character dynamics it falls flat.

For example:

SW Sequel trilogy - ok, so I know this had many flaws and factors in it falling as flat as it did but I'd argue a key one was the character dynamics. That being both that Poe, Rey and Finn weren't established as the new trio they deserved to be (or quad(?) following Rose's introduction), that they introduced random LIs in like the 3rd movie and that they bordered between maybe Rey/Kylo an actual fully fledged thing or allowing them to be actual enemies. Not having decent character relationships lessened the impact of certain points.

MCU Avengers - there was a reason why 2012 saw so many they-all-live-in-the-tower fics and that's because part of the Avengers appeal (in comics and animation) is the team dynamic; the way in which they interact, trust, and care for each other. That's also why when they do break apart it's all the more compelling because there was an actual relationship being broken. The MCU didn't put them together so strongly so CW etc. just didn't land so well.

On the other hand, to further evidence my point, some shows are (arguably) not that great but are still loved by virtue of the character dynamics:

BBC Merlin - I think at this point the fandom can agree that overall the show was a bit shit but there's a reason it's still loved 8yrs after ending. And that's the character dynamics. There's a lot but a few in particular: Morgana and Arthur - siblings who did care about each other but fell apart due to where they fell in regards to their father's beliefs, Merlin and Lancelot - the trust in Lancelot being whom Merlin trusts with his secret in Camelot, Mordred and Arthur - the kindness and care followed by betrayal etc. etc. There's loads and it's exploring them that makes the show so loved still.

Lego Ninjago - look, this show was made to sell lego toys and now it's a fairly long running show with a fandom that does actually exist online. And like, it's not w/o flaws (especially, if I recall correctly, introducing info in later seasons that contradicts prior canon) but it still slaps because of the character dynamics. Like Garmadon and Lloyd - father and son destined to fight each other but who still care for on another, Misako, Wu and Garmadon - the elderly consequences of when the girl picks the bad boy of the love triangle, all the varying dynamics between Jay, Kai, Cole, Zane, Nya and Lloyd etc. etc. The list goes on. Their relationships make the show at times.

And look, there's obviously more examples, and naturally this is somewhat subjective, but I think these are fairly solid with regards to the impact of character dynamics on the media.

Which brings me on to The Mandalorian. This show obviously has Star Wars fans as part of its audience but it also has non-SW fans and more casual SW fans (like me) who love it as well.

And I think what brought people to the show who may not have otherwise watched it was Grogu (or as original hype called him: Baby Yoda). And as they watched it was the relationship between Grogu and Din that sealed the deal and gained their continued viewership.

Because the dynamic and relationship between Grogu and Din is just phenomenal. Like, we have to acknowledge that is a puppet and Pedro Pascal in full armour (including a mask so we can't see his facial expressions) providing one of the most genuine fucking father-son relationships I've ever seen. Like the way a puppet and masked Pedro convey emotions and that bond etc. is like absolutely out there in terms of sheer damn talent.

And just going in universe, that's a bounty hunter Mandalorian who was meant to deliver this kid and ended up basically ditching his job and risking everything over and over because he got attached to the kid and would do anything to keep him safe. Like that's such an unbelievably strong bond of love that you don't exactly see like that everyday, like its beautiful man, idk what else to tell you.

So now, with the end of s2 having separated Grogu and Din, I worry about feeling so drawn in by the show when it's most pivotal relationship/character dynamic is no longer present. I mean, yes, I imagine they'll acknowledge the feeling of loss and that they'll eventually be reunited but I also think a new plot (the darksaber etc.) will take precedence over character dynamics (esp. in terms of making any as strong).

The Mandalorian is a show that, yes, had cool SW cameos and references, badass fight scenes, a great supporting cast of characters, cool space worldbuilding and so on. But it, so far, all worked around the pivotal relationship between Din and Grogu. That was the draw to the show and that was the driving force of the plot. And, I'm personally less certain about feeling so hooked on s3.

#the mandalorian spoilers #the mandalorian #merlin bbc #ninjago #avengers #sequel trilogy

[fishoutofcamelot]

Time Heals Some Wounds (And Causes Others)

My first merthur fic!

Arthur didn't spend two years remembering his past life, rounding up all his old Camelot buddies, and tracking down where the hell his immortal idiot had dallied off to - just to be snubbed! As if their ten years together meant nothing to him!

To be fair, ten years to Arthur would've been but a scant moment or two for Merlin. He even did the math. Only 0.06% of Merlin's disturbingly long life was spent with Arthur.

People's memory started failing them at the age of seventy, let alone a thousand. Was it any surprise Merlin would forget such a fleeting moment that had happened so early in his painfully long existence? It would be like asking Arthur to remember the first few months of his life, and Arthur didn't even remember what he ate for dinner last week.

So yes, it had been wishful thinking to hope that Merlin would recall anything by the time they reunited. And yes, it had been selfish of him to be so bitter when Merlin didn't.

In 2020, Merlin went by the alias Rhys Anderson. Which, in Arthur's opinion, was the dumbest name anyone could possibly think of. So at least it was in character for Merlin, who was likewise the dumbest person anyone could possibly meet.

(Gwen had slapped him last time he said that aloud.)

But even after all these centuries, no matter how forgetful and absent-minded Merlin's age had made him, he was still Merlin. Still cheerful and sassy and kind, still wearing his heart on his sleeve and still giving the best advice. And above all, still an idiot.

Though it pained him - and everyone else, he suspected - he let himself accept that this Merlin was Rhys now. He let himself move on. Let himself befriend Rhys just as seamlessly as he'd befriended Merlin.

It didn't help that this new era brought new emotions and possibilities with it. And against all odds, Arthur found himself falling for Merlin. Falling fast and hard.

Which was no good at all, especially considering...well...all of that.

Arthur tried to quell the way his heart pounded whenever Merlin drew near; tried to ignore the way his chest heated up with a fluttering, friendly warmth whenever Merlin smiled at him; tried to ignore his aching desire to spend more, more, more time at Merlin's side.

He tried. And he failed.

Morgana - now called Morgan Barnes, an interior designer and redeemed ex-villain (and Gwen Smith's closeted admirer) - got fed up with his pining after a while and told him to just take the plunge.

"What's the worst that could happen?" She had asked while they ate ice cream and strolled along the park trail, as per their Sunday routine.

He glared at her. "You know exactly what could happen."

"Eh. Merlin - Rhys - is too nice to shut you away just because you've got a crush on him. I mean, he didn't turn Gwaine away."

Arthur gaped.

"What? You didn't know Gwaine used to have a crush on your manservant?"

Arthur continued to gape.

Morgan laughed. "How observant of you, my lord. On second thought, maybe you shouldn't confess to Rhys after all. He's far too good for you."

For all that she had reformed and straightened up her ways in this new life, she was still a maniacal bitc-

Morgan's wheedling did the trick. In a few days, Arthur found himself inviting Rhys over to his apartment for a nice, casual movie night, with a half-formed plan in the back of his mind to try and initiate something between them should the opportunity present itself.

If all went well, the kiss would spark Merlin's faintest of memories into clarity - like how it worked on television. If that didn't happen and Merlin's memories remained ever so hopelessly destroyed by time...well, he still enjoyed "Rhys's" company, and that's what counted.

The movie was some stupid sci-fi flick Merlim had picked out. For an immortal wizard, he sure seemed to like science and technology and future-y things. Arthur would have thought he'd be more fond of the past.

Of course, it would make sense that Merlin disliked historical dramas and fantasy as much as he did. It probably reminded him all too well of his own miserably immortal life. With sci-fi, he could forget for a few moments just how timeless he really was, and lose himself into the folds of terrible special effects and incoherent technobabble.

Well that was a depressing thought.

When the credits rolled, and the popcorn bowl had run empty, Arthur spotted his golden-ticket opportunity.

They were both laughing and joking about something stupid that had happened in the movie. And then the laughter faded. And then it was just the two of them staring and smiling contentedly at each other. And the lights were off, save the dim glow of the television. And their gazes turned more and more intent, and their faces drew closer...closer...closer...

Merlin turned his head to the side, face screwed up in shame. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I can't."

Arthur's heart sunk. "W-what?"

Sensing Arthur's horror and embarrassment, Rhys quickly amended. "I-I mean - I care about you! I care about you a lot, Arthur! Dare I say it, I might even love you."

Arthur's heart seized at the word 'love', but he refused to get his hopes up. "But?"

A weary sigh. "But...I love another."

Arthur mentally slapped himself. How could he have been so naive to think that Merlin wouldn't have found a special someone in all his years of life? Had he been such a fool as to believe that Merlin would never attach himself to anyone after Arthur?

"Who's the lucky guy?" Arthur asked, trying - failing - not to sound as heartbroken and bitter as he felt.

Merlin's face scrunched up in wistful confusion. "I can't remember his name. It was a long time ago. I can't remember much of anything anymore..."

That last sentence was more for Merlin to think out loud than for Arthur to hear, but he agreed nonetheless. Merlin's inability to recall Camelot wasn't the only sign of his deteriorating mind. He frequently forgot where he put things, or what year it was, or what his name was (he has a habit or confusing his current alias with his one from WWI, oddly enough). Several times Arthur had tracked him down and guided him home just because he couldn't remember where he lived. Suffice to say, the years had taken quite a toll on him.

Merlin shook himself out of his reverie. "Look. I just - he died long ago. And even though I can't even remember what he looked like, a part of me is still upset about it. As much as I love you, it wouldn't be fair to start something with you while my heart still belongs to another."

"Thanks for considering my emotions, I suppose," he acquiesced, nodding solemnly. "But - wait, you said you can't even remember what he looked like?"

Merlin gave a sheepish shrug. "I can't remember anything about him at all, really. All I know is the way I loved him."

Arthur swallowed hard. "A-and how did you love him?"

For once, Merlin dared to lift his shame-filled gaze off the floor and straight at Arthur. Though it was too dark to see, he knew by heart how intensely Merlin's blue eyes burned.

"More deeply than I'll ever love anyone else."

Knowing he couldn't compete with that, Arthur hung his head, bid his farewells, and watched Merlin awkwardly leave.

When Merlin was gone, Arthur allowed himself to vent his frustrations. To cry out and throw things and hit other things and yell into his pillow.

Who was that mystery man of his, anyway? Who could Merlin possibly love, who had he lost so long ago that he could no longer...remember...them...

Oh god.

Oh god.

Arthur was the mystery man.

Gwaine would have laughed at the irony. Darn near all of his friends would have, in fact. And maybe Arthur would have laughed as well, if not for the fact that he was far too frustrated to do so.

Still, this was a ray of hope. If Merlin could recall the slightest inkling of Arthur as they had once been before, regardless of the capacity that recollection came in...then maybe this wouldn't be so terrible after all.

#tonight on: im writing weird drabbles on my phone instead of sleeping #merlin bbc #merlin #bbc merlin #merthur #fanfiction #merlin fanfiction #long post #long #fish post

[knightthart]

OOH can I get either 9 or 37 for hartwin from the prompt list please?

Okay, I picked up the 37 (Also, I based it on Unlovable by The Smiths). I will put this on AO3 as well (after I correct this) and I am really sorry about the mistakes! English isn’t my first language and I don’t have a beta.

-

For a long time, Harry Hart thought he was unlovable. Odd, don't you think? Harry was born in a rich family and, although he wasn't the most handsome of the blokes, he had his charm. He was also very smart, could keep up with a conversation about any kind of subject, and he was almost sure that he wasn't a fucking jerk, like most of the people he met while growing up. 

Still, his parents didn't seem so interested in showing him affection or even in talk with him. Sure, they loved to praise Harry's capabilities in front of their friends, but they were more proud of themselves than Harry. Harry thought it was highly unfair, but he kept his mouth shut about it in order to preserve his already fragile relationship with his parents. Maybe, they were just too British to love, and Harry prayed that he wouldn't grow up to be like them.

Harry's parents' lack of interest in loving him didn't explain why every other person that Harry came to care about didn't feel the same. Not the house's staff, not the intern school's staff, and not even Harry's classmates. People just seemed indifferent about him, and it tormented Harry in a way that kept him awake at night wondering why.

Through the years, Harry came to a lot of different conclusions. Maybe he was too peculiar for people. He deeply cared for things that most people didn't give a fuck about; like studying butterflies, he was also very opinionated in a way that could be very intolerant, and he just didn't care a lot about things that people held with the highest regards, as the monarchy for his parent's despair.

 As he grew older, Harry started to think that the problem was the world where he was born into. The fake smiles, the rumors, and the lies to keep a perfect picture in front of others. Maybe he wasn't made for that world, but if that was really the reason, it didn't explain why Harry could navigate on it so well. It didn't explain why Harry was so good at finding secrets, like his father's lovers, and keep them for himself just to use at the right moment. Harry also couldn't understand why he was so good at playing the social game, how he could charm people around and manipulate them like they were chess pieces, and still not be able to get one single of them really interested in him.

One day, he just got tired from dwell about those matters and gave up. It was simple like that. There were moments in his life where Harry thought he was going to finally be able to break the water surface and emerge. When he really thought he would make some friends, find a meaning for his life, maybe even find the love that he desired so much. College was one of these moments, but Harry found out that College wasn't so different from school, and also wasn't so different from the house where he grew up.

Kingsman gave a meaning for Harry's life, and it also gave him his first real friend, Merlin. He loved his job and he liked Merlin. The bald Scottish man was the first to make Harry fell like he wasn't some kind of freak, and it was the first time that Harry didn't feel alone. It was good to have a friend, especially in their line of work. Still, Merlin and Harry were very similar in the sense that both of them were very private, each one of them because of their own reasons. So their relation wasn't enough to fulfill Harry's need. 

Harry got used to his life, it was exciting and he was never bored. It was better than he ever dared to dream about, but there was still a part of Harry that was just.....broken. You see, Harry knew he was a valuable asset, one of the best in the field, he was worth and he definitely felt worth. Harry wasn't humble, he never was. Sometimes he was even very narcissist to the point that he thought he was alone because he was too good for other people and they couldn't keep up with him. However, he would get home at night after a hard mission and get himself drunk in order to forget all those old childish thoughts about being someone just unlovable. 

Then, one day he received a call that he wasn't expecting and Eggsy entered his life like a nutshell. Eggsy was loud, cheek, cunning, smart, gently, and a complete nightmare. As much as Harry thought he was unlovable, he also came to the conclusion that he was also unable of loving someone else the way he wanted to love and be loved. Eggsy was proof that Harry's conclusion was very wrong because he fell in love with the younger man so fast that he couldn't even believe in it.

Eggsy just brought to Harry's life a kind of lightness that it never had. Harry saw himself laughing because of jokes that he would normally see as stupid, he would spend hours on a sofa watching movies with Eggsy just because the other man randomly decided to stop by his house after a mission, and he for the first time was enjoying life in a way he didn't before. Above all, he wanted to share all those pleasing little moments with Eggsy. Harry felt like he was finally under the sun and breathing fresh air.

The scary part of it all is that Harry was almost sure that Eggsy loved him back, and Harry didn't know how to deal with that. Love, as he learned, was very different from the seduction game that he would play during missions or from the social game that he had played his whole life. The fact that he had finally found the part he was missing, that he finally achieved what he had desired for so long was terrifying because he didn't know what he would do if he loses it.

"What were you thinking?" Harry intoned coldly. He was so angry with Eggsy's imprudence that he could bare control his temper. "You've put yourself under unnecessary risk."

"I did what I needed to do," Eggsy replied grumpily. "And you have no right to be this angry at me, bruv. You are always getting yourself in coma," Eggsy said playfully trying to break the tension. Harry inhaled sharply. "Maybe we should start a club."

"You are suspended from missions," Harry blurted with an unfazed expression. He turned to go away.

"What? You can't do this," Eggsy said grabbing Harry's arm. "I completed the mission and I am fine. I just got a little hurt."

"I'm Arthur and if I think an agent has such low regard for his own life and safety I can ban them from missions and I'll do it as I see fit," Harry argued.

"Harry, stop with this bullshit," Eggsy exclaimed distressed. "If it was any other agent you wouldn't be this mad. I already see it happening, why do you care so much that I took a big risk when you don’t say a shit when another agent do the same? This is our job, we do it all the time," he hissed.

"Because it's you, Eggsy," Harry screamed, his face was red and his hair disheveled. "And I'll be dammed if I lose you."

Then Harry mashed his mouth's against Eggsy's in a kiss that was full of craving, despair, and love. Harry put one of his hands on the back of Eggsy's neck and the other one was on his hip. Eggsy was holding his shoulders, and then he was running one of his hands through Harry's hair. It felt like heaven and it felt like hell. Harry was praying for the gods, begging them to let him have it this time, to let him keep it this time. When the kiss ended, both men stood there. Their forehead was touching and they were trying to catch their breaths.

"I love you, please, be more careful," Harry whispered with his eyes closed. He was too afraid of opening them just to find out it was a dream.

"I'll try," Eggsy murmured softly. "I love you too."

"Thank you," Harry said making Eggsy chuckle.

"Just for this or for the kiss?" He asked playfully with a low voice.

"No," Harry said opening his eyes to glare Eggsy's. How could he explain it to him? How Harry could make Eggsy understand what he had given to him? "For everything," Harry declared.

----

#myfanfics #knightthart #hartwin #Harry Hart #Eggsy Unwin #harryhart #eggsyunwin

[lucrezianoin]

Disney's Sword in the Stone: Kay and Arthur sibling bonding, preferably before Arthur becomes king.

I RECEIVED A BUNCH of Sword in the Stone prompts and I love them all! I haven’t watched the movie in ages, but I should remember it pretty well.

Kay took another bite of his apple, looking suspiciously at Wart. The kid was drying some clean cups, not aware of his presence yet. He had a book open, on the table beside him, more of interest to him than the pottery.

“And... Ce- Ceaser, when depa-rting from his winter quarters-” He was reading softly, stammering some words out.

Kay almost chocked on his apple. “What are you doing?” he demanded, and Wart jumped, turning around.

“Cleaning.”

Kay squinted his eyes at him, annoyed. He walked over the table, and picked up the book, not minding too much Wart’s gasp of surprise. 

“What is this?”

“Surely you’ve seen a book, before, Kay,” Wart replied. He had gotten quite mouthy since that old guy Merlin had moved into the tower. 

Merlin didn’t seem to be too bad. At the beginning Kay had shadowed him, following him around like a hound, because no good thing comes from weird mad adults who take an interest in a child. But Merlin had always acted more like a strange uncle, and Kay had to admit that Wart seemed happier. Bolder.

“You can’t read,” Kay reminded Wart, because Ector had never believed in the silliness of books. Kay’s mother did use to read to him, before she died, but Kay could not remember what about for the life of him.

“I can read,” Wart replied, leaving the cup in front of him and standing up, mostly to try to take the book again. “Give it back.”

Kay looked down at the tome. It was badly bounded, old leather and foreign words. He could read a B, maybe a... g? 

“It’s going to fill your head with fantasies,” Kay warned him, parroting his father’s words.

“It’s real stuff, it’s war stuff.”

War stuff? Kay looked at the book again. He had thought written words could only be secret spies’ weapons and poems for women and children. 

“What kind of war stuff?” he wondered, and Wart managed to take his book back again.

“Roman war stuff,” Wart explained, and he had to know how much Kay loved the Romans. He had heard tales of conquests from his father, who was sure they both had Roman blood in them, directly from ancient Rome. 

Wart opened the book again, now almost shyly. “I can teach you, if you want.”

Kay squinted his eyes at him. He didn’t mind not being able to read, but he was curious about these Roman wars. Still... being taught by his little brother filled him with a bit of healthy shame.

Sensing his hesitance, Wart insisted, apparently emboldened. “Come on! It will be fun, like when you taught me how to hunt, remember?”

Kay did remember. When Wart had been just a small child, Kay had been to one to teach him how to ride, how to shoot. Wart had never been particularly good at that stuff, but there had been pride in being an older brother.

“Maybe. But none of this comes out of this room. I don’t want father to know,” Kay surrendered and Wart almost squealed with joy.

“You will love it so much!”

#arthurian writing exercises #sir kay #the sword in the stone