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meiieiri · 4 months

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𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 [geto suguru]

synopsis: suguru geto upped and left that day without a moment’s notice and he took everything with him — your heart, your soul — but as you look at the positive pregnancy test in your hand, you realize that he did in fact leave one thing behind.

warnings: unplanned pregnancy, angst, explicit sex.

a/n: i know, i know. i should be writing WE but this concept has been in my head far longer than WE and i just need to get it out there or else, i think i’m gonna go insane. if anyone wants to know the plot of this would have been fic, feel free to let me know lmao, of course it still involves gojo bc i can’t choose between the two of them since they’re both so baby girl—! also happy birthday to the loml, my pookie-wookie, honeybunch, suguru geto!!

It’s been a year since the happy side trip to Okinawa became a living nightmare that culminated in you, Suguru Geto, and Satoru Gojo on the brink of death and with many more scars than you could have ever imagined. The three of you had very different ideas on how to cope. Satoru spends the past year perfecting his cursed technique, often at the expense of his emotional well-being and energy but then again, after what Toji Fushiguro did to him leaving him with the trauma of being slaughtered without regard, it was only natural.

You and Suguru on the other hand retreated into yourselves; it was hard to believe that just a year before the two of you were a normal teenage couple who enjoyed walking the trendy streets of Shibuya in the weekend sunshine without a care in the world, whose only real problem is to decide where the two of you were gonna have your weekly dates.

Now, things were different. Rainclouds have gathered effectively blocking out the sun. As you sat on the desk reading through your textbook on reverse cursed technique, you glance at Suguru from time to time and you aren’t the least bit surprised to see him sitting by the dorm room’s windowsill, staring at the garden with an empty gaze.

You’ve had enough of this. This eternal state of limbo was tearing you and Suguru apart.

Slowly, you stand up from the desk, softly padding across the wooden floor to where your boyfriend is. It was the middle of the night, last you checked, it’s already nine in the evening. You should be heading back to the women’s dorms now but you couldn’t, not when things were like this, not when Suguru’s losing himself day after day, you can’t help him, you know that, but you could be there for him seeing that’s all you can do.

But even then, it’s never enough.

Your relationship with Suguru is like a lit dynamite stick, you know that it’s only a matter of time before it also explodes in your faces. So, Suguru takes the lead, like he always does, he’s so much wiser and stronger than you in every way though he doesn’t care to admit it, though he pretends he doesn’t know why you’re so dependent on him.

“I think we should break up.”

He says that while holding your hand. You saw this coming but just how long did you anticipate that the love of your life would eventually up and leave you? You squeeze his hand with every ounce of the grief you are feeling hoping it would transcend the confines of your skin and it would reach his heart. “Is that what you really want?”

“No.”

He stands up to meet your gaze, the throw blanket falling to the floor as he does. He leans in closer, his hand cupping your cheek with such tenderness and heartache that you feel your heart rise to your throat. Suguru is normally so gentle like a shower of midnight rain, but he kisses you like this is the last — it probably is. Lost in him, your hands trail over his chest, and he deepens the kiss hoping that you’d also understand that he doesn’t really want to leave but he has to. He can’t bear to drag you into his mess.

He could never do that to you.

You respond with a soft moan when Suguru slowly lifts your shirt over your head. He stares at your plump breasts for a moment, covered only by a thin lace-like material, before deciding that looking at you wasn’t enough. He has to take you, ravish you, fondle you, kiss you. Anything to let you know that he’s not doing this because he’s fallen out of love with you.

“Don’t leave,” you plead in between his soft kisses to your breasts, tears slipping from your eyes as he removes your bra, letting it slip from your shoulders which he was now kissing up to the crook of your neck. How could your hearts be so full yet so empty at the same time?

None of what happened should have caused this much heartache between the two of you. In fact, it should have made you rely on each more, right? It should have strengthened you not destroy everything you had: each other, the future you planned together.

Suguru doesn’t answer as he nips at your neck, sucking on the delicate flesh, as your forms gracefully fall on the bed, he stares at you with such love, such devotion, and you wonder why this should be the last time. His gaze falls to your vulnerable form, his cock hardening at the sight of your clothed pussy getting wet just from that. He grinds against you, sighing at the way you buck your hips to meet his wanting more of him. If this was to be the last time, then, you want to make it count.

“Suguru, I’m yours.” That’s all he needs to hear and he removes your underwear, kissing down your leg as he slips it off of you. He tosses it onto his nightstand, and he leans towards it to grab a condom from his drawer. You catch his hand. “Don’t. I want to feel you.”

Suguru’s eyes widen at your request, his lips eliciting short huffs of breath. He’s never fucked you raw before. “Are you sure?”

You nod against his forehead. “Please. Please fuck me, Su.”

Slowly, his hand guiding his tip up and down your slit, smearing your wetness along the base of his cock before slowly pushing into you savoring the sensation of your cunt squeezing around him as he stretches you with his girth. A deep groan betrays him and his mouth hangs open as your tight walls envelop him as he bottoms out. He takes a moment to collect himself, not wanting to cum right then and there.

“S-shit. Ah, you’re so fucking tight.” He allows himself a small thrust, the tip of his cock already nudging your sensitive spot, having memorized you after many desperate nights of lovemaking. His fingers grip the soft skin of your hips as he pulls out momentarily before pushing back in again more forcefully this time.

“S-su! Mngh—please fuck me—I love you, I love you, I love you,” you beg.

A tear slips from Suguru’s eyes, it was becoming more real now — this final goodbye. He presses a gentle kiss to your forehead, his thumb brushing against your cheek as he slowly builds up the pace of his thrusts, his cock bullying your cunt, driving himself in and out of your pussy, again and again. He brings your leg to his waist, holding it so he could angle himself better. “I love you too.”

You mewl as he pistons in and out of you, his balls slapping hard against your skin. “Sugu—ah! More—n-need more of you—“ You’re crying now, and he is too as he continues to ravage your pussy, his hand finds your other leg and he pushes your knees close to your chest, folding you into a deep mating press, slamming into your cunt.

“I’m yours. Always,” Suguru looks into your eyes amidst your desperate cries, your thighs trembling under his passionate gaze. He grunts when he feels the familiar tightening of your walls. “You’re close—fuck,” he takes this as an incentive to go faster, harder, and he fucks you in a way he never has before.

“So good—oh—“ you fall silent as he suddenly brings your hands to your clit, letting you touch yourself. You looked so beautiful like this, under him, your head thrown back against the pillows, your mouth primed in a silent ‘o’. He pants as he feels his balls tighten when your hips involuntarily buck into him as you climax. “Suguru!”

“Ah, baby…” He groans, the hot breath from his lips tickling your forehead as he rides out his high, spilling his seed into you not caring what the consequences may be. You did want this after all, and he did too. You feel full just from the sensation of his thick cum, he thrusts into you one last time, further smearing his release in your walls.

You sighed as he stays there, your weak and trembling arms coming up to embrace him. He strokes your hair, memorizing each lock, pulling out after a while. Suguru pulls you flush against his chest, the remnants of his and your release sliding down your thighs. “It’ll be okay,” Suguru catches his breath, kissing your temple. “Even without me. You’ll be okay.”

“I won’t…you know I won’t.”

“You will.” He says firmly. “I promise. You know me, baby, I never break my promises.” You feel tears well up in your eyes again and he tenderly wipes it away. “I love you, (Y/N).”

“I love you too.”

By the next morning, you already knew with the way the AC’s cold air nips at your skin without Suguru, your Suguru, there to embrace you that he’s already left.

Without a note, without a goodbye. Typical of Suguru who doesn’t want to stick around to see you cry.

You curl into yourself as sobs wrack your body, the promise ring Suguru gave you gleaming under the rays of morning sunlight.

A few years later, just as Suguru said, things did get better. You smiled as you arranged the last of the tempura into the bento box filled with soba noodles with nori and small containers of mentsuyu and wasabi. It’s amazing how much she takes after him. You look at the clock and your face pales. You’re running late, so, you head upstairs to speed things up a little. You creak open the door to see the little blessing of your life, the last gift Suguru ever gave you. She’s looking at the picture of you and Suguru which you placed in her room, and since you know it was highly unlikely she’ll ever meet your lover in this lifetime, you’ve decided you want her to know him if by his appearance alone and the stories you tell her.

“Riko? We’re gonna be late,” you gently reminded your four-year-old daughter. You shoot her a funny look when you see the haphazard way she placed her hair in a bun. She pouts as she tries to get it right again, looking at her father’s picture intently. “Sweetheart, are you trying to look like—?”

“Like papa,” she huffs cutely and you chuckle, moving to pick her up and sit her down on your lap. Kissing her cheek, you also gaze at the picture depicting a candid you and Suguru during your first year at Tokyo Jujutsu Technical College. He has his arm wrapped around your shoulder, winking at the camera as he kisses your cheek, a silent gleeful laugh on your face.

You look at her, a little confused, you gently smooth her hair before planting a kiss between her eyebrows. “And why do you want to look like papa?” Riko shyly looks away, her ears turning a little red as she blushes, a trait she inherited from you. You flick her nose, giggling. “Well?” Riko laughs at the playful gesture.

“…So you don’t cry anymore, mama.” Your heart seems to have stopped beating for a moment and a warm, tearful smile appears on your face, wrapping Riko in a bone-crushingly tender hug. “Love you…” she sinks into the warmth of your hug and you kiss the top of her head.

“I love you, Riko. So…so…much.”

At that, your little girl sighs in relief. “School?” she tilts her head and you suddenly remembered the reason you went upstairs. You had to get moving. Your eyes widened and you carry her downstairs, being careful not to jostle her too much. “My hair, mama!” she giggles at her still unruly hair and you grimace in embarrassment. Suddenly, the front door opens and Riko sees who it is, before you could grab the spare brush from your bag, she suddenly jumps out of your arms and makes a beeline for the door.

“Papa, papa!”

You turn around and though the sight pains you to this day, somehow, you’re starting to learn to live with the fact that things are always bound to change with time and that this is what Suguru would have wanted: a loving and complete family for his little girl. You wrap Riko’s bento and place it in her lunchbox before going to greet the visitor.

“Hi, babe.” He turns to meet your lips for a sweet kiss, balancing Riko in his strong arms.

“Good morning, Satoru.”

#geto x y/n #geto smut #geto suguru smut #geto suguru headcanons #jujutsu kaisen #gojo satoru #jjk x reader #gojo satoru x reader #geto x reader #jujutsu kaisen x you #geto suguru #geto suguru x y/n #geto x you smut #jjk smut #jujutsu kaisen smut #geto suguru x reader #suguru geto #geto angst #geto x you

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azure-cherie · 2 months

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PAC : Who of the nine Greek muses do you embody ? A message from the muse

➪Pile : 1-2-3 ☟︎︎︎ 4-5-6 ☟︎︎︎ 7-8-9

Hii loves how have you been , I'm back again with a reading, I hope you enjoy this please choose with your intuition and take what resonates , Reblogs, comments feedbacks everything is highly appreciated ❤️

If you liked this and would like to book or would want a bigger reading on the same topic :

Masterlist , paid readings , paid readings 2

Pile 1 :

Muse of music and lyric poetry

Channelled messages: " let go of societal restraints " , " paint the canvas of your life , write a poem about a wall " , " often see yourself as an ancient women of honour " , " feed the doves "

She comes forth to tell you about your potential how you're a very meditative being , you are so good at chanelling and you should do it more often , ask her to be your guide and write down all that comes through to you flow in your thinking and the ideas that come forth

Lean more into the devotional aspect of your life , see everything with the vibration of love. The trees the humans the animals , devote more into self love and worship the gods you already do .

Learn the right way to connect to the moon , you're in your journey and this is one of the crucial times , you're almost at the end of a karmic cycle stay stiff and strong

Don't get into arguments , if you do have mishaps with someone , lean into releasing the anger through creating music or producing tunes .

Take practical approaches to life , if someone says no to you do the thing on your own , your guides are always taking care of you .

Pile 2 :

Muse of dance and choral poetry .

Channelled messages : " learn about the folk music and dances where you stay " , " when in the blues play the beats " , " give more to the society in forms of art " , " start the YouTube channel"

Your devotion towards your deity or your guides is really admirable and that is something that's one of your best qualities people online or in person admire your liking towards a deity you inspire them .

The calmness of mind that can be attained through yoga is something she wants you to do , imagine a blue beam of light when you meditate , she tells you to connect to your primordial life form your soul .

Know about the necessary sacrifices one has to do in their life , your sacrifices now will bring you rewards later , don't fall for instant gratification

Abundance is soon to come in your life but work on cultivating a sense of detachment towards money , obsession ruins everything.

There might me a rock bottom moment in your life soon , she asks you to remain in your path as a human and as a soul take the lessons and move on soon you will alchemize your pain into passion and glory . You transform everything you're a becon of light .

Pile 3 :

Muse of hymns and sacred poetry

Channelled messages : " Levitate " , " dream big " , " nice downtown tshirt " , " the life that one has is a sum and minus of that they do "

If you're interested in writing do it , there might be an opportunity approaching you soon in this sector , though there's a warning about a setback if you don't take the opportunity at the right time don't worry you'll do great believe in the power of wishes.

You might rekindle a childhood bond on the basis of liking of movies or songs .

Business sector might have new opportunities your fortune is about to change you're gonna have the power to do what you want in your life because you're the creator of it , your destiny is now on hold make the best use of free will.

Connect more to the oceans and moon , fireflies etc , be in nature more and stay grounded .

Honour your soul by serving the temple you're in your own body , take care of your body give it ample rest and food .

Pile 4 :

Muse of tragedy

Channelled messages : " Dwelling on past has no rewards " , " crazy is as good as the sane" , " time flowes and glows and you grow "

Don't choose a hard life away from your desires because you're scared of disappointing people your path is enlightened more as you connect more to yourself .

Give into dark feminine energy and live in your truth , if you remain often confused or scared work on your root chakra .

Connect more to your guides through paintings and leave offerings of metal , feathers , corn etc

It's time to finally shine you're going from the hermit to an influencer you're gonna be famous it might start small but it will build up .

Keep away from external influences that stop your growth drop bad friends and family .

Pile 5 :

Muse of love poetry

Channelled messages: eat healthy and enriching foods , read about the love you already behold , the depths of see are beautiful and so is your heart of depth.

Abundance in the sector of love is coming soon you're gonna make the haters jealous , might even win a pagent or competition.

You might have felt Beauty is your curse but life's gonna show you how it's not you're gonna be so hight so uplifted I see you shining like a star

One has to prepare for glory start by saying affirmations and working on your third eye and root chakra .

Read more about lovers from mythology like Persephone Hades , Aphrodite ares , Radha Krishna etc

The boons served by the goddess are yours to keep and no one can question that , you're being divinely blessed and you'll be happy and dancing soon .

Pile 6 :

Muse of comedy and Idyllic poetry

Chanelled messages: Search for the small joys, poppies , these boots are meant for walking , spring equinox fairy

There's a confirmation in case you wanna go for the acting sector , this sector will require a lot of hardwork .

There's also a warning regarding someone in your job your boss or your guru they might take credit for some assignment you did beware and if possible say no because that thing might get your superior a promotion

You are to search bliss in satisfaction about what you already have the moon is to be admired by you the power to be soked it , are you ready for the full moon .

You're intelligent and people really admire you for that , gemini energy.

Move in your life in your true path of light don't be afraid or dim your light , your aura might have hints of white colour .

Pile 7:

Muse of epic poetry

Chanelled messages: Blow the bubbles up , get into kitchen witchery, Artemis , cry me a river

Don't give people the benefit of the doubt if you don't like someone let them go .

Fame is eminent in your energy, life coaches might help you , your aunt is giving you good guidence follow her .

Do your school projects and specially eat tangerine and other fruits that make you feel happy

Serve the world and create peace each small step is a long one in the collective , small things create big impact do your part and be sure of the effects .

Moon water energy and full moon is great for you to invite luxuries in your life , ground your root chakra and connect to your third eye your ancestors will be sending you messages.

Pile 8 :

Muse of astronomy

Chanelled messages: Fly me to the moon , peals and sandbox , honesty is the best policy , go go cheerleader

The first message for you is to balance all your chakras it's crazy my oracle deck pulled all chakra cards omg I feel like there soon will be a kundalini awakening for you

You're almost in your last stage of awakening get into the cosmic dance of life your life is about to change , abundance is coming

Hard message to get through but someone in your relationship might be cheating or there might be someone who has an eye on your partner and might try to frame them . Only for some people

Listen to your higher self write a letter to them

Your path from now on is of the hermit it might be lonely but it's worth it discoveries are on your way in fields of history, psychology, quantum mechanics etc.

Pile 9 :

Muse of history

Chanelled messages: 13 missed calls , glow up is loading , search in the Egyptian archives , glow and peach coloured cheeks

The number six is significant, also specifically for someone there's this person who is delaying your glow up by doing some nasty as spell , might be a close friend

You are ignoring some signs from the universe , they're coming again and again and you're ignoring it look into it closely , you're elevating in your consciousness.

Your energy levels are high and you're matching ahead in your journey setbacks are never the end the sheer power of desire iss enough to keep going .

You're slowly climbing the stairs of life to become confident and assertive you might even call upon a partner soon who is very sure about themselves.

You should plant more trees and learn about them about their origination etc , i specifically get about Tulsi and the lore behind it . Some others would be eucalyptus, basil and marigold.

Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed this

Have a great day/ night ♥️🌹

#pacreading #pac tarot #pac readings #pac #pick a card tarot #pick a picture #pick a photo #pick a card reading #pick a card #pick a pile #tarot card reading #tarot reading #tarot deck #tarot cards #tarot community #tarotblr

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lysil7777 · 5 months

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Yan! Dom! Fem! Reader x Sub! Boy

"P-please just.. just leave me alone!" James whimpered, tears welling up in his brown eyes, cheeks and ears flushing

"Aww what's wrong Jamie? Are you gonna cry? Did I hurt your feelings? Do you need your Mommy? You lean in to bite his ear and then whisper "I could be your mommy~"

Jamie hated himself for being unable to stop the moan that came out when you nipped at his ear and hated himself even more for letting you bully and harass him everyday.

When Jamie started college he swore things would be different from high school, he'd be more social, more motivated, and less shy. But 3 months later and the only person he talked to on a daily basis was you.

The first time you two met was in class, he'd braved up the courage to ask you for a pencil, he didn't really need one but he was trying to get out of his comfort zone.

You obliged but only after teasing him a bit asking what he'd give you in return, he got all embarrassed not knowing how to properly return your banter, and offered to pay you which you found very amusing. After a few more interactions you started to grow very fond of the nerd who sat behind you in Calc and before you knew it he was always on your mind.

The way he'd get embarrassed and look away from you when he didn't know what to say, the nervous habits he had when he was out by himself, how kind he was without anyone noticing, he was your adorable little specimen, for you only. And of course the best part was how naughty he could be, oh he was so innocent at the same time tho. You'd lost count of the number of times you'd watched him through his window, jerking it to soft domme porn, pet play, degradation, and dumbification, he was a pervy little nerd but the shame he felt afterward made you want to climb through his window and show him how much more depraved you were.

"What are you talking about y/n, I'm older than you that doesn't even make sense" he rambled looking anywhere but your eyes that were boring into his skull. God why did you have to be so close, why did you have to smell so good and be so pretty and-

His thoughts were cut off when you grabbed his chin and made him look at you directly

"I just think you're the kind of guy who needs direction, someone to help make those difficult decisions a sweet pet like you can't really decide for themselves, and why should you, that pretty little head of yours shouldn't have to worry about a single thing" you cooed squishing his cheeks together and making his lips push out

"I'm eighteen y/n, I can make my own decisions" Jamie argued or tried to through squished lips

At 5'3" you stood an entire nine inches under Jamie, but that didn't make him feel any less small in your presence

Letting go of his face you took a step back pretending to think for a moment "Alright then, I'll let you choose. Give me your number or get wedgied."

Jamie stood there dumb for a second, pants growing tighter and his skin warmer

"W-what?" He laughed nervously

Pulling his face closer to yours by the collar of his shirt you repeated your earlier statement to him in a slow demeaning manner, as if he was brain dead

"Give me your number or you get boo boo, oh no!" Your lips turned down in faux sadness

Jamie wasn't sure what to make of the situation, you usually weren't this physical with him, he was a little scared but mostly turned on. He didn't want to admit it but he had the teeniest tiniest crush on you and he blamed the stupid porn he'd been watching but he only looked into it because of you!

"I-I don't.." he paused

On one hand, he wanted to give you his number but on the other hand he'd never thought getting wedgied sounded so appealing

"You don't hmm~? Well, that just won't do. What happened to my big tough guy? Who was so strong and independent? Do you know darling? Ah, of course you don't. You're just as clueless as a little puppy dog and as cute as one too <3"

The new nickname shocked Jamie and caused him to audibly gasp, his hard-on fully visible now

"You can't j-just-aghhh"

You gripped him by his hair to cut him off

"Oh is puppy trying to give the orders now? What a silly little mutt you are, you really don't know how this works do you? The tent in your pants suggests otherwise but here you are telling me what I can and can't do with my property"

"I-I'm not yours y/n! A-and I'm not a pervert!!"

That first statement made your blood boil and you didn't even realize that you'd pushed Jamie down to his knees

"A good dog doesn't speak, a good dog gets treats and rewards but you're not being a good dog, Jamie. I know your tiny brain might not have comprehended it yet but you are mine, you're only mine. Who else is gonna talk to such a pervert hm? You were made for me, nobody else should ever see you like this, in fact, nobody ever sees you the way I do."

Before he could get a word out you pinned him to his position by placing your shoe on his clothed dick and reached over him to grab his boxers. Putting pressure on both simultaneously had him squirming and letting out the most sinful moans that made you wanna take him right then and there.

"Y-nnnnnnn" he whined, grinding up to help release some of the tension but each movement made the fabric between his ass more uncomfortable

"Shhh puppy, this is the punishment you've been given, I wouldn't be a very good owner if I didn't discipline my pet, you just gotta learn how to be good for me mkay? Don't you wanna learn how to be good and get rewards and pets and walkies~?"

All the new sensations made Jamie's head spin, his body felt like it was burning up from the inside out, his head was fuzzy, his dick was so much more sensitive than it had ever been while he was touching it and he couldn't place why the slight uncomfortableness of the wedgie made his parts throb even more, the whole situation was so intense poor boy couldn't fully wrap his doggy brain around it.

"I-I'm so close y/nnn, oh godd please, give me more! 'M so closeee" he panted not caring how pathetic he looked

"Already? Such a greedy pup for me hehe~ Have you learned your lesson, Jamie? Do you even deserve to cum against the bottom of my shoe?" You sang in a taunting manner pressing down even harder with your shoe

"I-, aghhhhh ohh yess fuck, YES! I'm yours y/n only yours! Promise! I'll-uggghh I'll be-hah hah- good! Just for you!"

"Atta boy! That wasn't so hard was it pup?" Finally letting go of his underwear you continued to let Jamie grind against your foot until he got to the edge

"M- boutta...cum!!" At this point, Jamie had grabbed your leg, chin resting on your thick thigh, eyes teary and glazed over staring up at you as if you were a goddess

Softly cupping his face you lifted it off your leg and removed any contact from his dick causing him to let out strings of breathy and high-pitched whines

You sat down and pulled him into your lap, gently wiping away the fresh fallen tears off his face

"W-*hiccup*why y/n, was so close...so close"

His protest died down with a stern look from you

"You'll be alright puppy, I promise. I'm gonna take care of you from now on, you are mine after all"

The rest of the evening was spent holding your new puppy, rubbing his tummy and flustering him with all the soft attention you gave him

He couldn't believe he got so lucky as to experience you, and as long as he considers being owned and expected to heed your everyword, he was lucky!

End <3

#sub yandere #sub character #dom reader #soft yandere #smut #yandere

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murdockparker · 2 months

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Roses and Regrets Part 2

Anthony Bridgerton x Reader

Summary: What a pleasant life it is, to be a widow with no obligations. Getting new dresses, making unlikely friends, what a treat.

Word Count: 3.9k

Rating: 18+!!! MINORS DNI (I will haunt you)

Warnings: female masturbation, yearning, Reader decidedly hates Anthony (what's new??) , maybe a bit of angst

A/N: oops my hands slipped and this is what happened. sorry bout that, bruv!

first part - next part

—

“You should have seen him, Meg.”

Her lady’s maid nodded along to Lady Barlow’s rant, having heard the interaction in nauseam since she returned from the park. From his appearance to his demeanor—Meg assumed she might as well have been there. Carefully, she continued to remove the pins from the dowager viscountess’ hair, the very same that she had placed in the morning.

“I am sure Lord Bridgerton was certainly unagreeable,” Meg droned, accidentally snagging her lady’s hair. “Sorry, ma’am.”

“You know, you don’t have to do all that, I am a perfectly capable woman,” (Y/N) laughed, looking at her maid in the mirror. “And he was, unagreeable, if you must know.”

“He is alway unagreeable,” Meg said, exasperated. “My lady, please take no offense, but I think this talk of Lord Bridgerton must cease.”

“You do not have to ask me twice,” (Y/N) snorted. “I wish for nothing more than to stop speaking about that oaf.”

Meg blinked. “Right. Of course.”

“You… you do not believe me?”

“I believe you believe it to be true,” Meg carefully stated, hands by her sides. “We have a good friendship, ma’am, and I am ever grateful that you allow me to speak my mind—”

“So speak it,” (Y/N) said, voice tittering on a giggle. “I shall not take offense, I swear it.”

“You have done nothing but speak of Lord Bridgerton since you arrived from your visit to the park,” Meg began, choosing her words carefully. “Save for when you had your meals, hard to speak over soup and the like. I, for one, am exhausted hearing about it. Perhaps a respite from the topic?”

“Imagine how I feel,” (Y/N) finally laughed. “That man makes me insane.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I pray whenever he marries—oh that poor woman—I hope she can teach him some manners.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Perhaps I should send him a book on it? Manners, I mean.”

“Good idea, ma’am.”

“Meg, you are not hearing me.”

“Oh I am hearing you,” Meg nodded. “I am just choosing not to listen.”

She bit her lip, eyeing her friend’s faraway glance. Glassy, almost. “Perhaps… I suppose I should drop the topic for now?”

“It is late,” Meg shook her head, nearly dropping out of a trance. “I have mending to attend to, if you do not mind.”

“You hate the mending.”

“Picking and choosing my battles, ma’am,” Meg smiled politely.

“Admirable,” (Y/N) said. “I suppose it is late…”

“Might I fetch you some more tea before you retire?” She set the last pin down amongst the vanity. Covered in expensive oils and products, it’s a wonder that anyone could find anything at all on the surface. Thank God Meg knew the contents like the back of her hand.

“No… I fear it will keep me up all night, but thank you, truly,” (Y/N) said.

“Goodnight, my lady.”

And then, she was alone.

Snuffing her candle, she hopped into her bed. Thankfully she never shared this one with Lord Barlow—that was reserved in the wing across the estate—leaving this bed untouched by such a soiled man. It was pleasantly plush and covered in endless pillows, she wondered if the royal princesses slept in beds as nice as this one—nicer, probably. More pillows, if she had to wager.

Sheets pulled up to her chin, eyes focused on the ceiling, she tried to chase sleep. Her mother had taught her a trick when she was young, imagining rabbits chasing around the room and counting those—perhaps it was sheep? Regardless, she tried counting. She only made it to twenty nine before flipping onto her side, exasperated by the count.

Sleep never came.

The covers melted off of her body in an instant, floating over to her door to ensure it was locked. Quietly, oh-so quietly, she turned the latch. No need for the staff to interrupt her… sleep. She hardly had to turn to such matters, but when exhaustion cycled her brain and not her body, leaving her tossing and turning all night, she really had no other choice.

No other choice, she reminded herself.

She laid on top of the covers this time, rabbits and sheep all but forgotten.

If there was to be one positive of marrying, it was the sheer fact that she was able to fully understand her body as a woman. While the marital act itself was entirely loathsome—a chore with Lord Barlow that happened infrequently during their marriage to try for an heir—the act of doing it alone?

Why the idea alone just got her heart pounding.

She never had anyone to teach her these things, her mother passed before her marriage, so there was no ‘wedding night talk’. Everything that Lady Barlow had learned was from her sheer will and determination—a chase for something she never quite knew she was racing towards. Her husband? He had never been any help. A few grunts and thrusts before he would spend himself inside, collapsing on top of her for the night.

She refused to give her late husband much thought—not when her hands were on her breasts, one slinking lower to touch a more delicate area.

No. She needed to focus her thinking on something else. Something to get the job done, send her to sleep sooner than later.

The gentleman. The faceless one that she imagined in place of her own hands. It usually sped things along if she focused on a generally well-looking fellow and how he’d touch her instead of just chasing her own feelings with her fingertips. Saved her wrists a lot of pain too—occasionally she felt like she was back practicing her penmanship, writing lines all day with her governess—the ache was fairly similar. Although, one pain caused a higher embarrassment than the other.

Decidedly happy with her diversion of thought, she made quick work on the bottom of her nightdress and pulled it up to her stomach. (Y/N) had never the need to sleep with drawers, feeling a dress was more than enough. Besides, it gave her easy access on nights like tonight. Her fingers danced with her lower lips, already damp with arousal.

She sighed at the first contact, the pure ecstasy of running her fingertips across her glistening folds. In her mind, he was doing this to her, the nameless man who wanted nothing more than to give her what she needed. With slow and tantalizing circles, she teased her clit, gasps leaving her lips involuntarily, her eyes rolling shut before she could even think. Her non-dominant hand continued to grasp at her breast, squeezing and rolling the flesh until she was utterly mindless.

The climb was thrilling, it was suffocating and all encompassing. How she dreamed she could experience this with someone, feel this pleasure with another, both giving and taking exactly what the other needed. She groaned again, feeling herself getting closer to the edge, her circles faster now, the gentleman making good work on her neglected center.

“Gods,” (Y/N) cried, trying her very best to keep her voice down. She didn’t need Meg inquiring about her, not when she was so worked up and so, so close.

And then… the fall. Everything was white and her heart felt like it was bound to beat out of her chest.

Brown eyes.

As she fell into a peaceful slumber, for no reason in particular, she decided her faceless gentleman had brown eyes.

—

Breaking her fast was usually rewarding, the chefs at Barlow Estate were some of the most talented in the ton—of course, only in her humble opinion, not that she had much to compare it to. When she first married Lord Barlow, having such fulfilling meals first thing in morning was almost worth marrying such an oaf. Almost.

“Did you have a good sleep, ma’am?” A butler asked, taking (Y/N)’s empty plate, replacing it with one full of fresh cut fruit.

“Oh!” Her face flushed. “Y-yes, James, of course. I always have a pleasant sleep.”

“You look well rested, ma’am,” he nodded.

“My lady,” Meg spoke up, gaining the attention of Lady Barlow from her fruit. “You have an appointment at the modiste early this afternoon.”

“I don’t recall making an appointment,” (Y/N) held her hand still, half of an apple tight in her grasp.

“I made the appointment, ma’am,” Meg said. “You are in need of new dresses—”

“Is there something wrong with the way I dress?”

“Of course not,” Meg said quickly, her face growing slightly pink. “It is just, since the late Lord Barlow passed you have been in mourning attire—blacks, blues, the entire dreary ensemble. I figured it would be best to get dresses that suited more the colors of the season.”

“I am unsure if you noticed,” (Y/N) said, taking a small bite of her apple. She chewed it quickly. “But my dress today is green.”

“I did notice,” Meg nodded politely. “It is a lovely color, but perhaps a lighter blue would be nice? A purple?”

“Perhaps you should listen to her, ma’am,” James interjected. “The family account has not been used since after your wedding and the mourning attire—”

“And I can use that money elsewhere,” (Y/N) raised her brow. “I’m sure the new viscount will be pleased I am not blowing his money so frivolously, I do not see the need for new dresses.”

Meg sighed, giving James a trying look. He shrugged. “Humor me. Just one dress.”

“Fine. One dress."

Somehow, between the carriage ride to the modiste and the tailoring of a beautiful purple display piece, Lady (Y/N) Barlow was talked into three new dresses. A sharp pinprick to her left leg brought her back to her senses.

“Oh! Lady Barlow, I do apologize,” Madame Delacroix said. “You must keep still as I pin your hems."

“I will try my best,” (Y/N) smiled, glancing down at the woman working hard on her new dress. “How fortunate the display dress you had fits so well.”

“Oui, how fortunate,” Madame Delacroix nodded. “A few pins and stitches and it will be perfect. And this color is very flattering—I am certain the men of the ton will turn their heads at this.”

She fought the urge to roll her eyes. “I have no need to turn heads, Madame,” (Y/N) said curtly. “I am simply just refreshing my wardrobe.”

“Oh, no one has the need to turn heads, save for the young ladies,” Madame Delacroix giggled, it sounded almost fake, forced. “But my work will do that regardless, so do expect that Lady Barlow.”

“Joy,” (Y/N) sighed, tilting her head at her reflection. While it hadn’t been an extraordinarily long time since she debuted—a shake over three years at the most—she was no longer the young girl from her first season. Her curves have filled out, her features more defined, so this particular cut was suiting her just fine. Madame Delacroix was the best modiste for a reason, knowing just how to make the ladies of the ton sparkle.

The front door swung open, a sea of blue flooding in the entryway. “Ah, Lady Bridgerton, I shall be with you in a moment!” Madame Delacroix called out.

(Y/N) froze at the mere mention of the Bridgerton name.

“Take your time, Madame,” Lady Bridgerton cooed, practically shoving a book of fabrics in her daughter’s face. Eloise, (Y/N) recalls, the second eldest daughter of the brood. It was her first season. “We’ll be patient.”

“Shall I pull another dress, Lady Barlow?”

“No,” (Y/N) shook her head wildly. “I rather think I am finished for this afternoon. Please add the dresses to my account—”

“Lady Barlow,” Lady Bridgerton said kindly. “How lovely it is to see you.”

Fuck.

“Lady Bridgerton,” (Y/N) curtsied, feeling far too proper. “Likewise.”

“What a lovely color that is on you,” she said, eying the girl up and down. “I take it you are out of mourning then, yes?”

“Have been since the Danbury Ball,” (Y/N) nodded. “But I gather Lady Whistledown has already made that public knowledge.”

Lady Bridgerton's cheeks flushed, like a child with their hand caught in the biscuit jar. “I cannot say that I find myself reading that gossip rag often, but—”

“Oh Mother,” Eloise groaned, looking up at the ceiling in frustration. “You read Whistledown just as often as I.”

“I do not blame you, Lady Bridgerton,” (Y/N) quickly added. The older woman’s shoulders relaxed. “For the many months I was in mourning and not socializing, Whistledown was my way I could keep up with everything. I very much would like to thank her, should I ever get the opportunity.”

“Yes, well,” Lady Bridgerton cleared her throat. “In any case, if you happen to be free tomorrow afternoon, would you like to join me for tea?”

“Tea?”

“I remember how it felt when—” she stopped herself, eyes becoming glassy. “Becoming a widow so suddenly is difficult. I would like to bestow my wisdom upon you if you’d allow it.”

“You are not quite old enough to be bestowing wisdom,” (Y/N) laughed lightly.

“I beg to differ,” Eloise mumbled.

“Flattery, Lady Barlow, will get you everywhere,” Lady Bridgerton smiled, elbowing her daughter lightly. “And you already have the invite, no need to lay it on so thick.”

“That is very kind of you, but—”

“So, shall we say noon tomorrow?”

The Bridgertons, as Lady Barlow gathered, were a difficult lot to say no to.

“Noon. Sounds perfect.”

—

It felt odd, being in the drawing room of Bridgerton House. She only ever had the fleeting thought that she’d ever sit here the once—ages ago during her first season. Now? Now she was sitting and drinking tea with Lady Bridgerton as if nothing was wrong in the world.

“You have a lovely home,” (Y/N) said, holding her teacup a little tighter than she should.

“Thank you,” Lady Bridgerton said voice full of appreciation. “Tell me, Lady Barlow, how is your family?”

“My family?”

“Oh, forgive me for asking,” Lady Bridgerton clarified. “I just had realized that I know very little about you, you were only in the season for such a short time before you married. I figured your family was a good place to start.”

“No, no,” (Y/N) put the cup down. “I understand. Seeing as everyone knows about your family,” Lady Bridgerton chuckled at that, “I should only fill in some blank spaces, I suppose.”

The elder dowager nodded her head, tipping her cup at the younger widow to continue.

“No family, I’m afraid,” (Y/N) said, her voice wavering on sad. “Mother passed a few years before my debut, Father just last year. No siblings, so… just me I’m afraid.”

“Goodness,” Lady Bridgerton pressed a hand to her heart. “Your father and husband in the same year? I am truly sorry for your losses.”

“My mother was the true loss,” she said honestly, her voice practically lifting. “Kindest soul to grace this Earth, I mourn her every day. The others? I do not doubt anyone has missed them.”

“Lord Barlow,” Lady Bridgerton dropped a spoonful of sugar into her cup. “He was an odious man. When I had heard he had taken another wife—it was quite the story around the ton. I was beside myself.”

“I happen to be number three,” (Y/N) said matter-of-factly. “Number One and Two both died in childbirth, trying to give that man his beloved heir. Never worked out, and I cannot say I am crestfallen I never came to be with child, either. The new Lord Barlow is quite well suited for the role regardless, I am told, so I suppose it has worked out for the best.”

“Yes,” Lady Bridgerton had a small smile against her lips, “I can imagine so.”

“Does your son,” (Y/N) coughed, correcting herself, “Lord Bridgerton, does he know I am here for tea?”

“Oh my son is not always privy to my social calendar,” the older woman winked. “He is probably out galavanting and trying to find a wife.”

“A wife?”

“Oh, yes,” Lady Bridgerton nearly beamed. “Lord Bridgerton is finally looking to marry—even after all these years of begging him. Something just clicked last season, I suppose. Perhaps Daphne, the duchess, marrying finally gave him the right idea?”

(Y/N) nodded politely. “I’m sure you’re thrilled.”

“I only wish for the best for all eight of my children,” she nodded, “so seeing him look to marry makes me ever hopeful.”

“Mhm,” (Y/N) sank into more of her cup, polishing it off.

The grand clock ticked away.

“I apologize if this all makes you uncomfortable Lady Barlow,” Lady Bridgerton started. “It is just… when Edmund passed, I had my family and wonderful friends to support me. I figured, perhaps, having another friend would not be the worst thing?”

“Lady Bridgerton, you are very kind for checking in with me, and I very much appreciate this tea,” (Y/N) said honestly. She felt like she could jump out of her skin with anxiety, but tried her very best to keep it under control. “But… as you had alluded, it is no secret that Lord Barlow and I were not a love match. There is no need—”

“Being a widow is hard,” Lady Bridgerton cut her off. “It is rotten work and you feel like a shell of yourself, only having a title such as ours because of who we married and not in our own right. Tell me, do you plan on remarrying?”

“No.”

“No?”

“I am quite content with my life,” (Y/N) said thoughtfully. “Widows have all the freedom in the world, I am allowed many opportunities because of it—far more than when I was simply a little thing on the Marriage Mart.”

“I suppose that would be… correct,” Lady Bridgerton treaded lightly. “However, do you not wish for a family? The support of another?”

“It is not that I do not wish for a family,” (Y/N) said truthfully. “I am sure part of me does, but it is more the matter of everything that comes with it.”

“I could never imagine going about life alone,” Lady Bridgerton said. “After Edmund… I am just grateful my children were here to keep me sane, grounded, even.”

“Children can be a blessing…”

“But children,” Lady Bridgerton added quickly, “they are not for everyone. I hope you find happiness in whatever you need.”

“Thank you,” the young viscountess said sincerely. “You have such a wonderful life, Lady Bridgerton.”

“Violet,” she corrected. “Please, call me Violet.”

“Oh,” (Y/N)’s cheeks darkened. “Violet, then.”

“We are friends now, after all,” Violet smiled kindly, the kind of smile only a mother possessed. She waved for the tea to be replaced, a butler practically rushed to fulfill the viscountess’ request. “More tea?”

“I would love some more,” (Y/N) said, feeling lighter than air. Perhaps having a friend was a good step forward, a leap into the right direction.

The door to the drawing room slammed open.

“Mother, I just received our balance from the modiste and—”

Much like he owned the place—and in a way, he did—Lord Bridgerton took command of the less-than-quaint room and had all eye on him. His own eyes—his brown eyes—were trained solely on the widow sitting beside his mother, his mouth agape.

“Oh Anthony, you cannot just barge in here,” Violet scolded, “we have a guest.”

“I see that,” he seethed, shoving his hands behind his back in faux-decorum. “Lady Barlow.”

“Lord Bridgerton,” she nodded stiffly, not bothering to raise from her seat.

He ignored her, turning swiftly to his mother instead. “May I have a word alone with our guest, Mother?”

Feeling the tension in the room rise, Violet sighed, giving into her son’s request. “I believe I should check on the governess, anyhow,” Violet said, rising from her seated position. “Behave.”

Anthony brushed his mother’s whispered warning off, tilting his head to the staff, all leaving the room at his command. The door had barely clicked shut before he stepped forward. “Since when are you friends with my mother?”

“Since when do you care about who I spend my time with?”

“Since that company is my mother,” he said cooly. “I would have thought you were just so turned off by the Bridgerton name that you would ignore all of my family—”

“She is a nice woman,” (Y/N) rose, crossing her arms. “How you managed to turn out the way you have despite that is beyond me.”

“You are in my home,” Anthony pointed. “You insult my character and you dare try to befriend my mother?”

“Dare?” She laughed. “Am I not allowed to have friends?”

“Not with my mother,” he stepped towards her.

“Your mother,” she smiled forcefully, “Violet, has been nothing but kind to me today. She was merely looking out for me—offered me some good advice.”

“Advice?” He laughed. “On what planet could someone many years your senior offer you helpful advice?”

“You could not settle with just insulting me, so you had to insult your own mother? She is not yet elderly—”

“Yet she is older than you,” he corrected, his cheeks pink from his mistake. “Do you not have friends your own age?”

“Do you not have something better to do?”

He huffed, squeezing his wrist in restraint. “I came here to speak with my mother—”

“Yet you shooed her out of the room and decided to speak to me instead,” she countered, stepping closer. “To insult me? To threaten me? Whichever, I suppose, I will never understand. I decided to take tea with Lady Bridgerton because she offered it—offered advice on being a widow, something you have already known about me.”

“I wouldn’t wish for her to hear our conversation, besides, her advice could not have been that helpful,” Anthony snorted. “My parents were in love, her trials of being a widow pales in comparison to your situation—”

“The one in which I also lost a husband? The sole definition of being a widow?” She said, her arms tight against her chest. “That situation?”

The grand clock—that damned grand clock—chimed in the uncomfortable silence, a new hour beginning.

“I may not have loved Lord Barlow,” she admitted. “He may not even have been a friend to me, but I still am a lady who has lost her husband—a lady who has so much as lost her way in this fucked world, a world where a woman cannot simply be without one. Your mother was simply being kind.”

“I did not mean…” Anthony’s posture softened, even just a bit, words caught in his throat.

“But you did,” she pointed. “If you hadn’t meant it, you wouldn’t have said it. My, Lord Bridgerton, you certainly have a way with words, much like you always have, it seems.”

“I beg your pardon?”

She looked at the clock. “I must take my leave. I am expected to be back home soon, the estate certainly cannot run itself, seeing as my husband,” she nearly spat the word, “has left it to my care. What a thoughtful man he was.”

“I—Lady Barlow,” Anthony started, unsure of where he was going with it. “Please accept my apologies.”

“Keep them,” she smiled. “They are nearly as useless as you are. Excuse me.” Lady Barlow opened the door with haste, nodding to the staff members who were waiting outside. Her lady’s maid, Meg, followed only a few steps behind her, her attention caught on the wounded viscount in blue.

Anthony practically dissolved into the arm chair, unsure of what to do next. He had half a mind to go to his study to drink, to pour over the invoices that had him enter this room in the first place. His interactions with Lady Barlow usually left him buzzing, his blood boiling and his ego only partially wounded. How he was left feeling so defeated was beyond him.

“A way with words?” He mumbled to himself. “I never wish to understand that woman.”

Yet, a part of him nearly screamed the opposite.

How peculiar.

—

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kalims · 1 year

Text

sugar

flushed — when you fluster them and how they act.

do you want a 'kiss' — not an actual kiss, the chocolate.

falling (asleep) — you fall asleep on their shoulder.

w/ malleus draconia

commissioned by paru !

flushed — when you fluster them and how they act.

typically if it was anyone else, they'd have a really hard time to gauge out a reaction from malleus when the most they'll get is probably a barely evident crease, or raise in his brows.

in this case tis our very lovely mc who malleus is very much already on the ground from how fast he fell. you could do just about anything, give him a rock or something, and he’ll thank you eternally and keep it in a room above the most eccentric gifts he's ever gotten.

(god forbid if sebek ever enters, and sees some random rock on a pedestal meanwhile his gifts for the master is just.. there on some table like malleus didn't even think twice to leave it there then worship that rock!)

^ well thankfully, out of respect. sebek believes that someone like him simply is not privileged enough to enter the room of his esteemed master.

anything remotely affectionate from you would definitely send malleus to cloud nine for the whole day, he's practically emitting comical hearts every second you're together. they're trailing after him as he's following you around.

so you have a variety of choices! a heartfelt compliment, a hug, maybe even a kiss. whatever you choose will only feed on the overflowing glass that's called; 'malleus' love for mc'. trust me if you think he's like 67% in love with you, you're WRONG.

it's actually 101% and it's still increasing I swear 😭

well the glass I was talking about is probably overflowing right now, and it's also probably going to start drowning everyone.

as in… everyone's just stuck to witness malleus' insanely endearing reactions to your shenanigans. should they be scared that malleus would probably do it in a heartbeat if you asked to take over the world??

yeah they should tbh.

in this case, I believe a close hug then a whisper in his ears would really make that arrow hit straight to his heart. you can't just whisper 'doritos' though! /j but you shall instead proclaim your love for him instead with a single 'I love you'.

it's funny to see his face completely freeze. you can practically hear his brain absolutely blowing up. there's a wobbly grin stretching across his face, the tip of his ears turn a shade of pink.

he looks… shy, but oddly pleased.

hellour congratulations malleus will not stop till you're both bound for life 💀 trust me he won't take anyone else if it isn't you anymore. he loves you THAT much.

malleus is not aware of the feeling blooming in his chest, it's foreign. he could even describe it as addictive. he's clueless really, but what he's sure of is that he wonders if you'd feel that too if he did the same to you.

oh well.. you've exposed him to such a euphoric feeling. it's only natural for him to return the favor.

so honestly just expect him to be the rizzlord for the rest of your existence, he's rizzing you up every chance he can get. and the fact that most of it is just him not trying at all, and just being himself.

which is also funny cause when he does try to 'charm' you it ends up in fail.

like who let him bring you the 'rewards of his hunt' as a courting offering.

and when he tries to recite a letter he wrote for you, it's very endearing, and flattering but he's been talking for quite a long time now and you're concerned.

do you want a 'kiss' — not an actual kiss, the chocolate.

*malleus holding a big ass bowl* yes pls

^ but that's if he knows it's chocolate, and still wants the legit kiss. in a way that's the amount he'd want if it was the real deal.

not that he does know! cause malleus isn't exactly educated in the chocolate culture. as horrifying as it sounds, i doubt he snacks on chocolate in his free time.

I guess he didn't have much time to be a child :(.

he's tasted it before though! but knowing specific brands doesn't really cross his mind. for malleus chocolate is just chocolate.

so he definitely doesn't know that there's a brand of chocolate called kisses.

so when you ask him if he wants a kiss he's like: yes. IMMEDIATELY.

ok maybe not immediately but he gives you this certain look, and when he registers your silence at his face he realizes that you're being serious.

malleus rn: well I mean ur offering so

WHEN DID HE EVEN FINISH EATING A MINT CANDY.

jokes aside it's almost sad to think how he'll react when it's in fact, not a kiss.

when you pull out some kind of thing wrapped around in some kind of foil and place it inside malleus' palm he's just confused. where are his kisses?? why are you giving him this thing??

malleus spots the 'kisses' label on it and blanks.

oh.. so that's what you meant.

okay he's happy to receive anything from you but that's foul play!

but he really likes you so he won't comment on it 😞 you didn't even elaborate so it's partially his fault for jumping into conclusions.

no one can explain, not even you when there's a visible aura radiating off malleus. something gloomy, and he won't tell you even if you point out that you've noticed him constantly glancing at your face.

well your lips but you also don't know that.

falling (asleep) — you fall asleep on their shoulder.

would refuse to move at all.

first of all, he's honored that you trust him this much to lower your guard, and fall asleep on him. malleus is aware, sorta. he doesn't stop talking but instead slows down his words.

he doesn't want to wake you up, does he?

so he just settles on rambling in hopes that even in your dreams, his voice would reach you. you'd dream of him day, and night.

but when he's done malleus makes very little movement, hyper aware that you've fallen asleep on him. so when he finally assumes a position most comfortable for you, (plus one where he wouldn't crane his neck too much to peer at you) and he just stares.

he's done this plenty of times when you were awake so he doesn't know why he's doing it now. maybe it's because he sees you awake every time, and when you were, he could see the slightest bit of exhaustion present in your eyes.

this way he can be at peace knowing you are.

he recalls your certain features, he'd love to just gaze into your eyes right now and see himself in it but the fact that he can feel all your weight on him is better than anything he's ever felt before.

cold, rainy days in nrc are just a blessing from grace.

but you now just discover that rain here is a lot stronger than your local pour back at home. to make everything worse, you had no idea it was gonna rain this hard, and if you did you wouldn't have taken the time to visit the city on a sunday.

now you're stuck waiting under a cover outside a shop. your patience honestly starting to run thin. from your legs sincerely, you're immensely thankful for the random bench under it cause you're sure they would have been quaking from the amount of time you spent waiting.

but you do like the weather, cold weather is rare to see when the sunny days reign over many.

you should have brought a jacket or something.

"child of man?"

you blink when malleus tilts his head at you, a thin smile playing upon his lips. his shoulders seem to ease up at the sight of you. your eyes fly above him, weirdly enough it's like there's some invisible force protecting malleus from the weather so he's completely dry.

albeit weakly, you still make an effort to give him a half hearted wave.

of which he notes.

malleus makes his way over to you, and your beloved bench you had started acquainting yourself with. "may I?" he gestures beside you, and you take that as an initiative to move over.

he takes a seat next to you right after.

"how are you faring?" his eyes crinkle, he stares deeply into you.

you chuckle. "well I'm stuck here for a while I guess. I already miss my bed,"

the man beside you raises his brow before lightly raising his shoulder, leaning towards you a little for emphasis but you're sure that's just another excuse to take up more of your space.

you get what he's implying in a second. "oh no, no," you shake your head. that would be… embarrassing.

but your yawn betrays you, and malleus easily coaxes you into using his shoulder. with or without your will, you can't even remember what happened until you blearily open your eyes, and realize the rain has passed by.

when you wake up you feel like you've had the best sleep in your life. but you're sure you would have frozen to death by now.

your hands feel the fabric between your fingers, previously taken over your shoulders. ah.

… as well as a pair of eyes staining into your existence.

wc. 1.5k

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mediumgayitalian · 4 months

Text

Will wakes up to Pierce the Veil, this morning.

He buries his head in his pillow and screams as loud as he can.

Of course, it does nothing. The music is playing inside his head, because his father is the most annoying being ever to pop into existence. Apollo’s children get whatever song suits their father’s current mood — not a good sign that it’s emo today, fuck — blasted directly into their cranium as the sun crests over the horizon, every single day, just so they know how much their dear papa is thinking of them.

Will, however, is head counsellor. And as head counsellor, he gets his daily brain torture exactly one half hour before the sun rises, because fuck him, apparently.

Has he not been through enough.

He screams again, quieter this time, conscientious of his still-sleeping siblings. The song does not go away. It will not go away until he is on his feet, any chance of unconsciousness having swiftly betrayed him.

The creaky floorboards groan in protest as he slams onto them, not bothering to remove himself from his blankets before rolling onto the floor. He considers remaining there, in the fetal position, strangling himself in his tangled sheets, for twelve point three seconds. Then he remembers he has a stupid shift in the stupid infirmary that he stupid runs, and forces himself to get up.

“Being alive is a prison,” he laments hoarsely. It has, tragically, considerably less effect when there is no one awake to hear his complaints, because it is four forty-two in the godsdamn mcshitting fucking morning.

His father is not getting so much as a grape as an offering today. He’s going to scrape an entire plate for Auntie Artemis.

He takes an extra-long time brushing his teeth, spitefully determined to be two minutes late for his shift. No one will notice, because no one is awake. The thought soothes him.

Nine minutes to his shift, he forces himself out of the bathroom and pads over to his dresser. He has no surgeries planned, today, so he’s not gonna bother with the scrubs, and he’s gotta do inventory, so he needs pockets. He picks out his head medic shirt and his lucky cargo shorts and starts to dress himself, squeezing his eyes shut to try and force his muscles into keeping him awake. He can do this. It’s fine. He’s got training with Nico today, so that’s something he can look forward to. If he can distract Kayla and her teasing mouth with training Gracie, he can ogle all he pleases as the son of Hades attempts, for the ninetieth time, to teach him how to use a sword without beheading himself. It’ll be great.

He barely manages to swallow back a shriek when he misses the leg hole for his shorts and goes sprawling.

Fuck mornings. This is an omen. He should go the fuck back to sleep.

As if hearing his thoughts, the stupid song in his head blasts louder. It’s hard to make out the words with all the screaming and drums and all, but he’s almost certain he hears the lyrics, don’t you dare!

“Al-right,” he snaps, scowling. “I’m going, I’m going. Lemme get my damn shirt on, yeesh.”

It takes him a second to find the head hole in the dark — because the godsdamn sun is not up yet — but after a minute of fumbling he manages.

He realizes, the second he tugs it over his chest, that something is wrong.

“What the —”

Now, Will orders his shirts in bulk. He has to. He’s the only one wearing them, after all, and the sheer amount of times per day that he is covered in bodily fluids is a number he chooses, for sake of his sanity, not to count. He is well used to the process of ordering his shirts along with other linen and infirmary supplies. Every fortnight, without fail, he orders a set of orange Head Medic t-shirts one size too big, because it gives him a little breathing room without being too baggy.

When he pulls on this shirt, however, it practically clings to his skin. He can practically feel the fabric groaning as it stretches over his broad shoulders.

And, worst of all — the hem barely brushes the edge of his ribcage.

“Austin,” he growls, practically lunging for his drawer to inspect the rest of them.

As he suspected, each one of them has shrunk. If it weren’t for the Head Medic decal printed across them in bold, Will would assume his laundry was mixed up with Yan’s.

“Why do I still try to assign him laundry duty,” he hisses, cursing himself for his oversight. He’s been busy lately — he didn’t do a very thorough job writing this week’s chore chart. He must’ve put Austin on laundry, and Austin is never allowed to do laundry, because for whatever reason, no matter what he does, he ruins someone’s clothes.

“Fuck!”

His watch beeps at him, LED display reading five o’clock. His shift has already started. All of his shirts are shrunk, and he’s out of time.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

He shoves his feet into a pair of flipflops, sprinting for the infirmary. Hopefully, today is on the warmer side, or else he’s going to freeze, on top of looking ridiculous. Fuck.

———

Thankfully, the first couple hours of his shift are blissfully empty and quiet. With no one to distract him, he manages to finish the laundry list of chores he’s been putting off the last week — nectar and ambrosia restock, cabinet reordering, file sorting, et cetera. He has the place spick and span in under ninety minutes.

Unthankfully, he starts to get bored fast.

Feeling an awful lot like his father, which is unfortunate, he begins to slip into what his siblings call “the dramatics” (and what Will calls rational emotional responses, but, take some, lose some). Without his permission, he begins to glance at the door every few minutes, disappointed every time no one is there. He spins around his desk chair, kicking half-heartedly at the desk. He sighs, once or twice, with a tone that he would call tastefully bored and Lou Ellen might label as histrionic. After a half hour, there is on his face, Will cannot deny, a pretty big pout.

In his defense, he can hear the sounds of the rest of the camp waking up through the open windows: laughter, cursing, yawning, Drew chasing her siblings around the camp with her knife, shrieking, promises to return stolen hair straighteners, begging for mercy. Morning sounds. Familiar sounds.

“Ugh,” he mumbles, sinking back into his chair. Then, for good measure, he frowns harder and repeats with more feeling: “Ugh.”

As if summoned by his yearning, disparaging loneliness, the little bell by the door rings as someone stumbles in. Will brightens, jumping to his feet.

“Hi!

“Hey, Will, could I get some ambrosia, Sebastian stole Drew’s straightener and she — woah.” Mitchell freezes. “Um. Woah. Huh?”

Will rushes over to the supply cabinet. “Yeah, of course! I heard the screeching, did she stab him fully or just slash him? Should I come over? Should he come here?”

“Hnngh,” Mitchell says.

Will frowns, hands stilling on the ambrosia. “Mitchell? Are you okay?” He tilts his head. “You’re — really red, dude, maybe you should —”

“I! Hngh! Am fine!” Mitchell shouts, scrambling back from Will’s outstretched hand. He won’t meet Will’s eyes. “Actually, Will, you know what? Sebastian needs to learn, actually, and he’s barely even bleeding, so I’m gonna —” He stumbles backwards, knocking his head into the doorframe. “I’m just going to! You keep that, Will, I’ll chest you — see! I will see you later! Goodbye!”

He turns away and flees, leaving Will alone, again, with a container of ambrosia hanging limply in his fingers.

“That was weird,” he mumbles, and turns to put it back away.

———

Mitchell is far from the first Incident — capitalised, because they are indeed Incidents — of the day.

Maybe a half hour after Mitchell leaves, two more Aphrodite campers walk in. Will smiles, turning to greet them, but before he can even say anything, they shriek in unison and sprint off. As silly as he knows it is, a bubble of hurt begins to bloom in his chest — is everyone actually avoiding him today? Or does it just feel like they are?

(The ADHD makes it hard to tell. He gets his feelings hurt really easily, and constantly has to remind himself what is and isn’t rejection. It doesn’t help that he sometimes feels trapped, as one of the only campers with vitakinesis and therefore constantly in the infirmary. It’s hard not to feel a little isolated. But usually, he’s got his friends and his siblings to remind him he’s not alone. Hopefully, today is just a fluke.)

Nobody else comes into the infirmary during breakfast. Will eats the oatmeal one of the nymphs brings him, smiling at her and thanking her profusely — he hadn’t realized how hungry he was. She leaves pretty quickly, too, but a lot of the nymphs are kinda squeamish around the infirmary, so Will doesn’t think too much of it. In fact, he‘s put most of his shitty morning behind him until Kayla walks in for the start of her shift.

“Huh,” she says, after a solid minute of staring.

Will shifts defensively. “What?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing. Just preparing for our day, brother dear, pay no mind.”

“You are so strange,” he mutters, but he’s long since given up on trying to understand her.

For the next hour, things are almost normal. He and Kayla chat as the freshen up the linen on the cots, treating the odd camper who comes in for lava wall burns or sword scrapes. The infirmary is rarely ever empty once the camp activities start, but in terms of numbers, today’s a pretty slow day. Will starts to feel fidgety pretty quickly.

“Oh, ho ho ho.”

Will grins when he hears his friend’s voice, shoving his clipboard aside and standing to greet them. Lou Ellen and Cecil linger by the door, matching grins on their faces. (Which, usually, would be cause for great alarm, but Will is so bored and so happy to see them that he decides, just this one time, that whomever they’ve just robbed will just have to be an unfortunate victim. Hopefully it wasn’t anything too valuable.)

“Hey, guys! Please tell me you can stay for a bit. I’ve still got a few hours left of my shift and I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.”

“Of course we’ll stay, Willy,” Cecil says innocently. “How could we refuse with such a wonderful view?”

Will is too happy to bother correcting him about his name.

There’s not much to do, so the three of them sit by the nurse’s station and chat. If anyone asks, they’re talking strategy for the upcoming capture the flag game, but really, Lou Ellen heard Damien White from Nike and Chiara Benvenuti from Tyche arguing behind the canoe shed again, so they’re talking shit.

“I honestly don’t get what she sees in him,” Lou Ellen whispers, and Will is nodding fervently, “Right? I mean if she’s happy then good for her, obviously, but come on —”

“Hey, Will?”

Will leans around Cecil, looking for who called him. A group of maybe nine campers crowd around the door, all standing behind one of Cecil’s sisters, Julia. Many of them are giggling.

“We, uh, totally need your help.”

“Here we go,” mutters Cecil. Lou Ellen starts snickering.

Will hardly hears them, absentmindedly grabbing his stethoscope and toolkit.

“What happened? Was there a fight, do you need —”

“Rosamie’s leg is, like, super sprained.” Julia gestures to a younger girl behind her. “We got her this far, but she needs you to lift her to a cot so she can rest.”

“Hermes’ fucking wings,” Cecil says under his breath.

“O….kay,” Will says slowly. “Did you…all need to come for that?”

“My heartbeat is all weird,” pipes up a boy from the back. “I need you to look at that.”

“And I need a band-aid!”

“I broke a nail.”

Their voices start clambering over each other, rapidly getting louder. Will holds up a hand, silencing them.

“Okay, okay, I hear you. If you’re fine to walk, head on over to a cot, I’ll be with you in a minute. Julia, can you help Rosamie —”

“Can’t,” blurts Julia quickly. She holds up her arm after a beat if hesitation. “Totally pulled a muscle. You’ll have to carry her.”

Will furrows his brow. It’s Mitchell all over again.

“Okay, I guess.”

Unwilling to have a group of campers loitering by the doorway any longer, Will gets it over with, scooping up Rosamie with a hand under her knees and behind her back and carrying her to the nearest cot. Will knows that everyone experiences pain differently, but she seems awfully giggly for someone whose leg is apparently sprained.

A cacophony of giggles erupt as he sets her down.

“Gods, Will, do you work out?”

Will flushes. “I do the same training as everyone else, I guess.”

“Cool.”

Will looks at them strangely. How is that cool? He glanced back at his friends, eyebrows raised, but they’re hunched over the station, badly biting back laughter.

“Maybe everyone’s got the flu, or something?” he mutters to himself, even though he knows that’s not true.

He makes quick work of healing the group of campers. Most of them are fine — he couldn’t even find a sprain on Rosamie, but wrapped her knee anyway in case there was more pain. They left as quickly as they came, giggling to each other and running down the porch.

Without even a minute between, another group of campers barged in, just as giggly as the first.

The rest of his shift is chaotic. People practically pour into the infirmary, all with minor, barely there injuries — and all of them demand Will’s help.

Will is no stranger to busy days, but this is nothing he’s ever seen.

“I don’t get it,” Will remarks to his sister in a rare minute of calm, totally bewildered. “It’s like everyone’s suddenly got glass bones.”

Kayla blinks at him. He stares back at her, wide-eyed.

“Yeah,” she drawls, after a minute. She looks him up and down. “What a deeply confounding mystery this is.”

Twelve campers rush in before he can ask her what she’s talking about.

By the time Will manages to escape, it’s an hour past the end of his shift, and he’s crawling out the window in the back office of the Big House to avoid the crowd of people at the front door.

“Solace? What are you doing?”

Will yelps, losing his delicate balance and falling face first into the flowerbed. Low, raspy laughter curls around the air, and Will goes bright red.

“Just let me pass away,” he mutters, curling around a crushed daisy.

Nico snorts. “You are such a drama queen. Here.”

After another quick second of wallowing, Will takes his offered hand, letting him pull him to his feet. His shorts are smeared in dirt and there are flowers in his hair. Frantically, and uselessly, he tries to brush himself off.

“…Damn,” says Nico slowly. When Will chances a peek, he finds his friend looking him over, slowly dragging his eyes from head to toe. If at all possible, he goes even redder. “So it is true. You are walking around half-naked today.” Nico grins, wide and wolfish and teasing, and Will genuinely has to grab the wall behind him to keep upright. “No wonder the rest of camp has been so empty.”

“Is that what it is?” Will cries. “The infirmary has been — packed! All day! And no one has been hurt! They’ve been — they came for —”

“I think they came to watch the show, Solace.”

Will lets out an agonised wail. Alongside the flush so bright it puts his father’s cows to shame, he feels himself start to glow, like an flaming beacon of idiot.

“They’ve been demanding I carry them around places!” He looks at Nico, aghast. “I’ve been doing it!”

For a moment, Nico tries bravely and valiantly to keep a straight face. But then Will remembers the camper who told him he lost feeling in his hands and asked Will to hold his biceps to try and get them back, and his face must absolutely crumple in mortification, because Nico loses it.

“Zeus, Hera, and Hades,” he gasps, doubled over. “Oh my gods, Will, your face, you —” He cracks up again. Genuine tears pour down his face. Sometimes he manages to calm himself down, but then all he has to do is look at Will’s horrified grimace and he breaks down again, until he is literally writhing on the ground, holding his stomach.

“Oh — oh gods, I’m gonna — I think I’m gonna throw up —”

“I hope you choke on it,” Will says hotly. “I won’t help you. I will let you die. You’re a horrible friend.”

Nico shrieks again. Will has never seen him laugh this hard, ever, which is wildly unfair because he’s been practicing jokes with Piper in an attempt to see him smile more often, and this is what finally gets him?

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t, Solace,” Nico sighs, finally starting to calm down for real. The smile on his face doesn’t go anywhere. “Help me up.”

Will pouts. “Whatever.” He should leave Nico there to rot, but he reluctantly clasps their palms together and yanks him upright. He goes to pull away, but Nico squeezes his wrist, holding fast.

Will stares at him with wide eyes. Slowly, his wide smile thins into a crooked, downright dangerous smirk.

Will goes weak at the knees.

“I know you’re going to go get a bunch of new shirts immediately,” he murmurs, and honestly, who gave him the right to a voice like that? Huh? Who did Will piss off? What does he need to do to make amends? “But, well.” He glances down, then back up, smirk widening. “If you wanted to wear that shirt when you’re ogling at me during training, I wouldn’t mind. Might even the playing field.”

And then, because the gods actually hate him, Nico winks. He lets go of Will’s wrist and saunters off without another word, idly swinging his sword as he whistles.

Will crawls back into the flower bed, face plants in the dirt, and yells for ten whole minutes.

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crystalandbow · 1 month

Text

PICK A PILE🤍

CALL OUT EDITION

Pile 1 is beach, pile 2 is garden, pile 3 is swans. Take the reading with a grain of salt and only take what resonates 🤍

If you liked the reading, lmk! & Follow for more

Hello pile 1👋🏻

Or should I say hello my mama bears

lol anyways let's begin!!!

The cards that you got: 2 of swords, ace of coins, the emperor and the ace of cups.

Okie so The 2 of swords really sums it up for y'all, the others cards just confirm it more. like you guys are torn between 2 options/paths/things/ whatever. Making a decision is important because It seems like this has been on your mind for some time and is bugging you ? Taking up all your mental energy/stamina. *like a vampire/jk* most of y'all already know which path you want to choose but for some reason you haven't locked in your answers is what I am feeling. And now it's time to make a decision! It might be that you are afraid for some reason, you have this fear of what if things go wrong or something like that or it might be that you are unable to make a decision because both options seem equally tempting.

I think you can choose any path because they will have decent results. The advice or call-out message is that whatever you chose to do for your situation, stick with it. Its not about the options it's about you! The reason why I called you guys mama bear is because that is how you should deal with your current situation. Chose whichever path you want, fight or flight. But stick with it! Know that what you did was absolutely okay!! You have to embody the emperor's energy (of being bold and authoritative, because it is your life, do not fall for anything that doesn't feel right )

The ace of cups tells me that you guys should make a decision using your heart ( feelings & intuition) because afterall you know what's best for you! follow your intuition/gut feeling, don't be afraid of anything YOU ARE THE EMPEROR & YOU'VE GOT IT !

Keywords: stability, bravery & action. Facing fears/oppositions, gut feeling

Ig thats it, lmk how I did and only take what resonates 🤍 have a good day/evening/night

Hello pile 2 👋🏻

Cards you got: 3 of cups, death, 2 of cups & 9 of cups

I'm getting the word "love potion" for guys, I mean we do have alot of cups *the 2,3 and nine of cups* woah! That's alot of emotions. I'm also getting the word "self acceptance" all the cards are so positive but it doesn't feel that good? Something feels heavy? And a Lil stressful yk? I think the message for you guys is opening up yourself.

Y'all might have the habit of guarding yourself, but many times sometimes you just end up over doing it, leaving you feeling sad? Y'all feel that you are different from others in a sad way and that you have to put up this "fake" self to fit in. You try to be like others / everybody around you in public and this needs to change, atleast your mindset that people won't accept you for who you are. Change is needed! Stop blaming it on other exteranl reasons. Do you even know who you actually are? Do you accept yourself? Do you love/care about yourself? Do you prioritise your needs first? Its not always others, sometimes it's our fault that we let people treat us like that! The two of cups imagery is giving me mirror energy, it looks like there's a mirror between the two peeps and they are actually the same person but also different at the same time like it's just their "other side" yk? How you view yourself, and how you let yourself be you truly. Love your inner child. Death talks about how you need to embrace all your different sides and be yourself, be unique & don't try very hard just to "fit in"

The nine of cups is here for advice and it talks about prioritising your needs first & putting yourself on the pedestal! Whether it be in romantic relationships or platonic or any relationship

Call-out message: DONT BE AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF let yourself be! Accept love, prioritise your emotional needs first!!!

Ig thats it, lmk how I did and only take what resonates 🤍 have a good day/evening/night

Hello pile 3 👋🏻

Cards you got: the strength, justice, devil & the star.

Surprisingly all major arcanas😭I really wanna know what's going on with y'all. Like what MAJOR shit is going on lmao

Anyways here's my interpretation for you guys: you guys are working hard towards some goals of yours. I'm getting the vibes that the world told you what you think or thought once upon time is unrealistic and unachieveable but to you it feels like "inner- calling". you have started working towards it and might have achieved/ overcome certain milestones and mini achievements that you should be proud about and if not then you should know that they hard work that you have put in WILL workout and you will gain the fruits for you dedication. One thing you should possibly avoid is arrogance and / or greed attachments will be different for everybody, basically avoid the temptations of the devil. Don't believe you're at the top of the world and for some it's not getting overly obsessed with results,etc. Everything will workout at the right time. The justice card over here is likely talking about getting your results. Call-out message for y'all could be to choose the path of hard work & patience instead of shortcuts and unfair means. The star card is asking you to stay optimistic regarding your work to know that it will all be worth it, you will get your answers and result just keep working hard and have pure intentions

So yeah basically, just on the right track, keeping working hard, don't fall for temptations like shortcuts, procrastination, unfair means,etc be patient and you will be good to go

Ig thats it, lmk how I did and only take what resonates 🤍 have a good day/evening/night

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bubbles-for-all-of-us · 10 months

Text

Always have but never hold

Previous chapter / Last chapter

a/n I welcome you to part nine. I just hope y'all will enjoy it! Thoughts are always welcome! It blows my mind that so many of you are still here reading these scribbles. 🫧🤍

warning: addiction, alcohol consumption, pill consumption, forced behavior, forced sexual behavior, panic attacks.

Parts in cursive are memories

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

16h prior

A bowl of popcorn was long forgotten as you dozed off on Luca's shoulder. A random show was still playing in the background. Filling the space with muffled voices that, since you were so sleepy, felt more like a fluffy cloud that soothed you, pulling you deeper into slumber. And you probably would have spent the night there like that. All curled up beside him. Tired from all the emotions. From all the crying and socializing. You had joined Sydney in her ventures around Chicago for a bit when Carmy stood her up. You kept on telling yourself that it was good to get out of the rental apartment. To try to think about something else. Watch your friend get excited about the smallest of things. But those things also drained you these days. Emotions, no matter what kind they were. All seemed too much. Asking and dampening so much of you.

It was the buzzer that made you stir. For a moment, you were convinced that you had just imagined it. Dreamed it. Until it pierced through the silence again. Followed by a light knocking. You frowned. Lifting your head from Luca's chest, who didn't seem to stir at the commotion outside of the apartment, you made your way toward the door while still rubbing your eyes. Was looking through a peephole something you should have done? Especially in Chicago? Yes, and yes. But you didn't, and when you saw who was standing there, all the sleepiness washed away.

"What are you doing here?", you managed to mutter. Standing still as a statue as you glanced up at the person in front of you. "I... Hi... Look, I just had to come and... and speak to you", you shifted uncomfortably. Unsure of what you wanted to do. Slam the door shut, or stand there and listen. The silence was heavy as you crossed your arms over your chest. Mentioning for the person to go on.

"Just... how have you been?", you let out a laugh in disbelief. "Are you seriously asking me that, Richie?", you huffed. He shook his head. "I want you to know that I didn't mean it all back then, okay? I even called you that night to apologize and...", Richie stated quickly while running his fingers through his short hair. His beard was scruffy; he most definitely hasn't tended to it in a while.

"And what? You all hated me the moment I walked through the family house door. All collectively decided to make me your punching bag", you snarled at him, choosing to ignore the tired bags under his eyes. "Look, shit was hard when Mikey died", Richie noted as if you didn't know that yourself. "Oh really? I didn't seem to notice that", you sassed back at him, making him clench his jaw. You saw him fighting his emotions, and yes, this was such a big step that he had even chosen to come here, but you weren't going to just let him brush over it. "I love that kid so much, and... I was so angry that he left. Lived there somewhere and was away from all of this", Richie said once again. "We were suffering in this shithole, and he had it good for himself there".

"Did you ever stooped to think that Carmen thought about you all constantly? That he had been running plans on how to improve the restaurant? Just because he wanted Mikey and all of you happy?", your own emotions rushed out. Something that has sat on your chest for so long now. Something that you knew Carmen would never say out loud, no matter how much you bubbled inside. Richie fell silent, yet you could see the specks of guilt in his eyes when your words truly sank in.

"What do you want, Richie?", you huffed after a moment. He hesitated. Fidgeting in his spot before he breathed out, "I called Claire. I told her where cousin was going so she could bump into him, told her to... She knew about you". Your stomach twisted. Your skin felt clammy as that familiar feeling of anxiety twisted around your body. "I don't know what I was thinking", he breathed out. "How about you weren't thinking?", you bit back, stepping closer to him. A part of you wanted to slap him. Shove him, at least. Hit his chest. "Want to know a fun story, Richie? My ex cheated on me after dragging me through shit for many, MANY months. So you know how this made me feel?", you felt angry tears building up in the corner of your eyes, "Like I was back at that shithole once again".

Richie's face paled. The emotions on his features were hard to read. There were glimpses of guilt, anger, frustration, sadness, and dread. "I'm sorry; I never wanted to hurt you", he mumbled barely audibly, "I wasn't thinking. I just... I'm sorry". But you shook your head, "It's not that simple, Richie; it's just not all that simple".

Present time

You second-guessed your choice to come here more than once. You barely got any sleep after Richie left. Tossing and turning. Your brain was so full of everything that you started to see your thoughts instead of just hearing them. And honestly, screw people who say that thinking at night is not something that you should do because then do you get the best ideas at night then? Come to the biggest realizations at the oddest hours? When the world around you is asleep or just waking up. When it's just you and nothing else matters. And then, if you hadn't stayed up, would you have chosen to come here anyway? Choose to let the pain of the past slip through your fingers. Chosen to awaken the demon that you had put to sleep a long while ago.

You twisted your skin around your finger. The place where your most precious ring usually lies—one that you have forgotten to take and felt naked ever since. Missing the light blue and green stones that covered the band. The stones that always reminded you of Carmen's eyes. Eyes that you had fallen for so quickly. You missed them. More than missed them. Until you caught a glimpse of them right in the back seat. Big and scared eyes looking at you. Confused and searching. He was here. And he saw you. For some reason, you told yourself that he wasn't going to come. Maybe he had stopped coming here after all. It's been weeks since Carmen told you that he had finally started coming here to talk. Maybe he no longer needed this? But he was here, and he was looking right at you, and even if you wanted to, you couldn't drop his gaze.

"I was young and naive. My parents had died in a car accident, and... I just had Luca and his parents, who were the sweet family that baked shortcakes for the whole street on Sundays", you let out a breathy chuckle. "I felt as if they were forced to love me, so I was so desperate to find someone. Fall in love. Know what it felt like to be loved without obligations once again". You watched as Carmen gripped the chair in front of him. Even from where you sat, you could see his knuckles turning white from the share force he was holding on.

"It was all pretty sweet until... devil drops and pills got involved. He changed in the blink of an eye", you snapped your finger in front of your face. "First it was words; they grew louder and louder. Then came the shoves and forceful touches, cheating". A breath hitched in the back of your throat, and you let yourself close your eyes for just a moment. "I would have stayed. I didn't know how to leave. How to fight for myself", each word you spoke cut straight through Carmen. He felt stupid for not noticing. Brushing away the way you escaped his touches at the beginning. How your skin would react. And then how restless you seemed until you were in his arms. Until he was touching you in some way. At first, he didn't understand why it was important for you to feel him around; he thought you just enjoyed physical touch, but now... Now Carmen knew that this ran way deeper. Through scared valleys of pain. "And if not for Luca, my guardian angel, I don't think I would be here today", you met Carmen's eyes one more time before taking a deep breath.

The room was spinning. The shapes on the wallpaper were dancing as you stared ahead of yourself. Eyes so dazed and so unbelievably heavy. You felt so thirsty, but the thought of moving was simply unbearable. It felt as if someone was kissing your skin, but the sensation felt so far away that you might have just imagined it. And then all of those noises. There was no way you could distinguish between them. But they sure were irritating you.

You manage to pull yourself up. Only now realizing that you had been sprawled out on the bed with nothing but your bra and your skirt on. You frowned, but that was quickly replaced by the wave of nausea that rippled through you. You reached for your phone, leaning onto the walls as you stumble out of the room. You know this place. The doors. It was Ezra's apartment. You tried to remember how you had gotten here, but your mind seemed empty. Nothing—not a scratch at what had happened. There seemed to be no memories of you doing anything after you got into his car.

Things had been weird ever since you caught Ezra cheating last week. You had broken up but gotten back together the next day because he called you crying on the phone about how he didn't want to do life if you weren't with him. So you came back. You hadn't even told Luca about it, well aware that he would not approve. You hadn't even realized that you had followed the noises from the living room. Rounding the corner to see... Just what you had seen last time around, Libby, the saver, and Ezra deep inside her. You didn't remember how you ended up in the bathroom. Hands shaky as you called Luca. Slurring your words as you cried.

"I don't remember much now. The pills made sure of that, but... Luca had to get stitches", your finger ran over your eyebrow. "Ezra tried following us and shit. The police got involved", you said, shaking your head at the distant memory. There were so many times you wished you could just forget. Take all of these memories and burn them. "He overdosed a couple of weeks later, and I felt responsible for it. I think I'll always will". That had become your biggest fear. Losing someone once more because of your actions. Sure, situations with Ezra were different. You were the victim, and as Luca had told you many times, if you had stayed, it would have been you six feet under instead. So you drowned out those voices until Carmy came around, and the fear of losing him started to grow. Then Micky died, and you watched Carmen fall apart. A cold shiver ran down your back.

"I don't talk about my experience. I guess... because... taking makes it real, and I just wish I could forget about it", you finally admit, lifting your gaze to meet Carmen's eyes. "That always felt like my biggest flaw. The reason why people might not want to... love me". The room fell silent. Empty even as you let yourself dive headfirst into the depths of Carmen's eyes. A part of you hoped he would be really angry. Storm off. Curse you out in front of everyone. But he didn't. You could see his own eyes glistening slightly as he muttered something you couldn't miss, "I love you". You bit the inside of your cheeks quickly. Trying to keep your emotions at bay. Not wanting to cry in front of everyone. It was probably silly considering that you just shared parts of your past that still bleed. "Thank you for sharing, Y/N.", the moderator touched your shoulder gently, offering you a tissue. You only nodded at her. Flashing her somewhat of a smile as you stood up, returning to your chair.

Carmen watched every move you made. The way your body was shaking ever so slightly. He watched the way you rubbed your hands together before quickly reaching for your bag and getting up. Carmen, let you pass him. He didn't move. Waiting. Hoping that you would stop beside him. But you didn't; you walked right out. And Carmy just sat there. Feeling the light scent of your perfume. The warmth of it brought him so much comfort. He never thought there was a way to remember someone, even the smallest parts of them, with just a scent. But here he was, and he was dazed. But then, as if his own body had been fed up with him, Carmen shot up as he too headed towards the door. He wasn't sure what he was going to say or do, but he had watched you walk away from him way too many times. He couldn't take it anymore. Simply couldn't. His whole body was screaming at him to do whatever it took to get you back. "Y/N!", he shouted as he saw your figure walking down the street quickly. You didn't turn around, so Carmy picked up his speed, shouting your name as he went.

And then you halted. Letting people bump into you as they rushed past, Carmy frowned as he pushed through toward you. "Hey", he said softly, touching your shoulder only to be met with a broken inhale. That's when he noticed the tears. The tremble. Your hand was on your chest as you tried to breathe in, but it seemed like your lungs were working against you. Carmen looked around quickly, spotting a side alleyway only a couple of steps away. He knew that a busy street full of people wasn't helping the case. So he dragged you to the side, earning a couple of strange looks his way, but ignored them completely.

Your hands were over your face as you sobbed quietly. Trying to fight the panic that flooded your body with crippling anxiety. "Do you want to sit down?", Carmen's voice filled your ears through the drumming of your heart. Your knees bucked in response before you could even nod your head. Camren was quick to catch you, wrapping an arm around you. "Hold onto my waist for a bit", he muttered, before trying to pull off his jacket without having you fall. He dropped it to the ground, not wanting you to sit on the filthy road, plus it was cold. Your nails grazed his skin, even through his shirt, as he carefully helped you settle.

Carmen watched you do the same breathing exercises you had taught him. His head was a mess as he tried to remember how you usually handled this. How you took care of him so he could do the same? He reached for your hands, pushing one against his chest, right over his heart, and the other closer to his lips. Before resting his forehead against yours, "You're doing great, love; keep the exhales longer", he muttered. He watched as you fought your tight chest. How you gasped for air, and the panic set inside him. What if he couldn't help you? What if he was doing the opposite? But then you're pulling yourself into his arms, head deep into the crook of his neck. Just like he had pulled you closer to him back in the restaurant. Desperate. In need. And just like then, your two bodies molded together just perfectly. Knowing what each of you needed. Knowing how to hold. To keep. To soothe.

"I'm sorry... I'm", you muttered against his neck. "You haven't done anything to feel sorry for", Carmen reassured you quickly, brushing his fingers through your hair softly as you clung to him. "I should have...", you started once more, but Carmen wasn't having it. Pulling away slightly, he cupped your face, "You breathe for now; that's all that matters."

Your eyes fall on the chain dangling around his neck. Fingers reaching to pull it from beneath his shit, watching the ring he threaded through the metal chain glistening in the midday sun. "You want it back?", Carmen asked, making you look up at him. And in a way, he knew that he was pushing his luck with a question like that. Maybe it was even inappropriate in a way. Because it was not just any ring. Not just any birthday gift. Carmen gifted that to you after the first bumpy patch you two had in New York. Long weeks with barely seeing one another. Bickering over nothing.

"Just open it", he had said back then. A bottle of rose on the side table as you two lay practically on one another in the living room. Carmen had made dinner, and you had offered to make some chocolate souffle. Watching him slip off the sofa and sink to one knee had you staring at him wide-eyed. "Carm...", you had managed to crock out. "Don't worry, I'm not proposing just... This is a promise ring", he breathed out quickly, "I want to do better. I want to only make you happy".

The memory made Carmen's chest heavy. Especially with the amount of pain you two have been through the last couple of months. "Come on, give me your hand", it's barely a whisper but all you can do is watch as he unclasped his chain, sliding the ring back onto your trembling hand. You instantly started twisting the band around your finger. Feeling a wave of calm rushing through you. As if someone had given you an oxygen mask. Carmen just watched you. Still lost in your head but grounded by a piece of him. His fingers slowly ran up and down your arms and back as he tried to soothe you.

"You're feeling better?", Carmen asked once the shaking died down and your grip on him eased. You only managed to nod your head. Attacks like that left you powerless. Weak. And tired. Carmen knew that as well. Carefully, he brushed away the last tears, still dampening your cheeks. "You did great back there", his words made your heart skip a beat as you offered him a burnt-out smile, "Come on before you turn into a fucking ice cube".

Carmen was almost done making some veggie soup when your phone started to ring. At first, he wanted to ignore it. Let it ring out, because now he just didn't feel entitled to pick up and answer. Yes, you came back to the apartment with him, but he knew this meant nothing. Now he was well aware that it meant nothing. You two still needed to talk. And even if Carmen wished you two could just pick up right where you've been before everything crumbled... A fool's dream. Just the ringing didn't stop, and with you asleep just a door away, Carmen reached for your coat pocket.

Luca. Of course, he thought. Who else would it be? A pang of jealousy rushed through Carmy. He quickly silenced it. Just watching the screen. Waiting for the call to die down. And then he did a rash thing as he pressed the green button, "Hello". The other side of the line was dead silent. Carmen even pulled the phone back to make sure that he had indeed answered. "What the fuck are you doing with her phone?", the words burst through the silence harshly. "She... came back with me after a meeting", he hated that he sounded like a little boy. There was almost no confidence in his voice. A part of Carmen waited for Luca to shout at him. Call him names. But all he heard was a sigh, "Just... She's fragile, Carmen. I know shit's been tough for you too, but if you love her...", for some reason, that pulled something in Carmen as he said, "Of course, I love her", "So be honest with her because you might not get another chance." Carmen nodded his head subconsciously. Knowing well that Luca was right.

"So... who's speaking first", you two sat in the living room. You had woken up about an hour ago with a beating headache in your head. Yet seeing the familiar sheets and decor around you helped in a way. But then realization struck. You were back. Back in the place you were meant to turn into a home, with Carmy in the other room. You let yourself just sit there for a while until you stepped out to find him. He sat on the sofa, head in his hands. Where has this taken you? It pained you to see how torn apart you two were. How much has changed?

"I'm the one who's in the wrong", Carmen said calmly, staring ahead of himself, "I never wanted to hurt you. I don't recognize myself looking back". A deep exhale slipped past his lips, "I would never cheat on you. I would never hurt you in that way. That whole Claire thing was shit". You let out a little chuckle, shaking your head, "It didn't look like shit. She has feelings for you, I can see it", "Does it look to you like I give a shit that she feels something for me?", Carmen turned to you quickly, but you didn't look his way.

"Look me in the eyes; look, love", he said, pressing his fingers against your chin and turning your head towards him, "Eyes don't lie. Remember, you told me that". Your eyes flickered up at his. Your bottom lip quivered. You hoped to find sparks of lies there. But there was nothing but truly sorry-looking eyes. "I met with her three times. The night in the grocery store, then at the party full of old people from school, and we sat and talked in the car once", Carmen said. "But why didn't you come and tell me? Tell me that you met her in the store and stuff?", you huffed, pulling away from his touch. "That's what leaves a bitter taste, Carmen. You did it all behind my back", you didn't want this to turn into a full-blown fight, but you could feel the frustration building up inside you.

"I... I don't have a reason why", Carmen's words cut you deep once more. You just gazed at him. Trying to make sense of this situation. "Let me ask you something else", you clicked your tongue, "Did I cross your mind at least once while you were with her?". Carmen opened his mouth but closed it almost immediately. You let out a diflated huf, "Let me answer that for you—you didn't".

You turned away from him. Truly, what were you doing? Why were you here? It wasn't going to lead anywhere. Your eyes scanned all of your stuff that lay all around the place. Looking at you. Staring at you. But before you could even take a step, Carmen practically sobbed, "I'm sick in the head, okay? I don't know my emotions. There are times when I have to tell myself that the sky is not going to fall on me", his voice seeped deep into you. And as much as you wanted to get out, you couldn't bring yourself to go. "But I'm seeing two doctors. I take meds. I want to get better. I want to make this better", his voice cracked, and you felt him right behind you. "Let me be better for you, please", Carmen touched your hands softly, hoping you would turn around to face him. Hoping to see your eyes. To know. Was there at least a sliver of hope?

"What about me? I wasn't honest either. Doesn't that make you angry?", you turned to face him, "There was someone before you, Carmen", but he just shook his head, "Someone who hurt you. He didn't love you the way I love you, and I doubt you truly felt love for him", those words were your undoing, as you quickly clasped your hand over your mouth to silence a cry. "Let me make it better,", Carmen pleaded, intertwining his hands with yours, "I'm not asking you to drop it all and forgive me. Just give me a chance". You let yourself lean against him, closing your eyes and allowing the silent tears to fall.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Taglist: @nishinoyahhh @thewulf @shewasthelimit @chatitajens @azxulaa @hidingfromtex @randomhoex @hopplessdreamer @lostinheavensworld @jackierose902109 @gallaghrh @gabbycoady13 @harrysmatcha @lovejoyenjoyer @infinitelycharmed23 @royalestrellas @hanula18 @thoughtfulmoonchild911 @buckys-winter-child @arieltwvdtohamflash @simsiddy @yezzyyae @hidingfromtex @rooster-bradshaws @simonsaysyasss @hannahmmarie2016 @ladygrey03 @kyushii @smoooore @domaniquessidehoe @shinebright2000

#carmen berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto imagine #carmen berzatto #carmen berzatto x you #carmy berzatto x reader #carmy berzatto #carmy x reader #carmy berzatto imagine #the bear x you #carmy the bear #the bear tv show #the bear x reader

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cyb3rtarot · 5 months

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A Peep Into the New Year: 2024 Pick a Pile

Disclaimer: Happy New Year! We’re looking at something to reflect on from the closed year, experiences you may have this year, and a theme for 2024. The experiences are not necessarily in chronological order! Tarot readings are not replacements for professional advice. I’m reading what I see and feel in the current energy, which can change. Your thoughts, energy, and actions are what creates destiny, not the reading!

pile 1⛧pile 2⛧pile 3 pile 4⛧pile 5⛧pile 6

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Pile 1:

Something to Reflect On [Nine of Swords rx, Keeping Up]: hello pile one! You guys really struggled with mental health or neurodivergence last year or for a few years leading up to this year. You may have adopted a defeatist attitude or found it incredibly hard to progress in life. Day to day tasks to take care of yourself may have been difficult. Reflect on the ways you have faced this challenge, even when it seemed impossible. Some of this pile has overcome this. For example, if you had depression, you may no longer be depressed (or it’s not as severe). Others of you are still fighting, but you’ve still exerted a great effort to keep afloat and face anxieties. You should pat yourselves on the back for the ways you’ve advanced—the ways you’ve kept yourself alive even when it was hard. There is a forward momentum you’re carrying into the new year, and it was created with much effort.

A Peep into the New Year…

You guys will be presented with something from the past, and you will have to choose whether to invest your energy into it. This could be people, past situations you never got closure on, environments, and especially habits. The main thing about this opportunity is that it seems like you guys’ first thought will be to jump back into it. Maybe it “feels” right so you don’t think about it much, or you’re so used to doing it that you just go right along with it the second you get the chance. This situation seems very interesting from your perspective; there’s a strong pull towards it. The cards are not really indicating that this is a definite good or bad thing, it seems neutral or like it can go either way. The card to especially focus on is “impulsiveness.” Regardless of whether this is good or bad, make sure to think about your actions before agreeing to anything (Tiwaz emphasizes making sound decisions). Reflect on ingrained habits and thought patterns that you feed into without a second thought. Impulsiveness can also refer to the nature of the situation; an opportunity may come out of nowhere. How we invest our energy determines who we are and how we grow. We are more likely to remain in old mindsets when we constantly give energy to what has already ended, and only you can decide what from your past belongs in the future. [Impulsiveness (Mars in Aries, 1st house), Curiouser and Curiouser, the World rx, Uncertainty rx, Tiwaz rune]

For some time , you may find yourself absorbed in spirituality or developing new beliefs (for many of you this has already started). This seems like a positive change, however it may take up a lot of your time. You may use your inner or spiritual world as an escape; many of you feel dependent or stifled in a situation. You are being encouraged to dream big (for physical reality too), and use this time to thoroughly plan for life and yourself. Make sure there is a balance between being absorbed in your inner world, and sometimes coming out of that shell to make your dreams real. At some point in this journey you may feel very restless, and that can prompt some of the impulsive behavior mentioned above. Don’t judge yourself for moving too “slowly” or having big dreams, but still make an honest effort towards balancing those dreams/beliefs with reality. You’re also encouraged to maintain balance in how this plays out in your relationships. Don’t despair if someone doesn’t understand you, but also don’t take someone’s word as gospel just because you feel an affinity with them. [Vision (Sun in Pisces, 12th house), Use Your Time Well rx, nine of pentacles sideways, Justice]

There’s a lot of hope and knowledge surrounding you this year. You’ll be interested in making dreams reality and will want to pursue something new for yourself. I say “for yourself” as there’s an emphasis on this being centered around you. You may approach things with the best-case scenario in mind; this will serve you well. There’s opportunity to be recognized as an individual or for something you do, or this is a hope of yours. There may be interest in physically going somewhere to seize this opportunity (more so farther destinations or longer trips). You will be geared towards learning new things (especially in higher ed or a similar place), working towards recognition of your skills, or starting a personal project. If there are issues at home, I see you or your relatives remaining positive in the face of this adversity (this may also be a familial opportunity, or a family member might receive public attention). You may feel a little lost [in the sauce]. If you’ve delved into spirituality, you might feel disconnected or unsure of your new beliefs. This could be a period where you have to focus on your own ingenuity, wits, and can-do rather than giving it all to your belief system. This can also apply to family. There may be decreased communication with them, or someone moving away. However confusing, this is a more fortunate period of the year. [Optimism (Moon in Sagittarius, 9th house), the Moon, Nature Communication rx, Publicity (Jupiter in Leo, 5th house)]

Overall Theme for the New Year [the Empress, Defense (Mars in Taurus, 2nd house]: the year is going to put you in situations where you’ll have to sit in your confidence and inner security—or develop this—especially to hone impulse control. There are tangible blessings to experience, but you may find yourself being questioned or challenged by those around you, and you yourself may feel antsy to get what you want right away. Rely on your endurance and resilience to get through uncertainties or challenges as you go towards your goals.

The Empress dons her armor with her few loyal knights by her side. Though she is under siege, she rides into battle smiling. Victory is obviously in her hand. After many bloody hours, the sun sets on the quieted field. The Empress stands tall on her hill, ever smiling, ever the empress, barely scathed. The sun glints off her helmet as it settles beneath the horizon.

Possible examples (but not limited to…): an ex contacting you or trying to rekindle, old friends wanting to hang out, going back to places you used to frequent, snooping on or investigating someone’s social media, someone from the past starting an argument or pettiness against you, sudden travel opportunity (especially for school), living with parents or a partner, wanting to move out, pressure to get a job, spiritual scammers/predatory spiritual teachers, family strife, getting accepted into a program, publishing art or research, seeking a career in the arts/academia/spirituality, a new spiritual practice or a leap in pre-existing abilities (especially divination and clairvoyance), meditating frequently, interpreting dreams or lucid dreaming, family on the news, building your portfolio or resume

Extra Details: a change in sleep patterns (going both ways, some could be sleeping less due to increased energy and some of you are finally resting more after a period of poor sleep), mental hospitals, marine biology, Jupiter or Mars as a very prominent planet in the natal or 2023/24 solar return chart, bright colored eyes, high hopes, charm casting, spiritual businesses, loves cartoons or wants to be an animator, brothers, the Star may be a significant card for you or both 2023 + 2024 may be very healing years, moving to a coastal/lakeside area (or wanting to), 12th house profection yr

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Pile 2:

Something to Reflect On [Acquisition (Sun in Taurus, 2nd house), the Star]: hi pile two! You can reflect on how your relationship to the physical world has changed. It seems finances or another form of physical comfort was a big focus last year. You’ve either made big strides in these areas or you’ve done healing work on your mindset (for example, focusing on gratitude and optimism about what you have and want). This could refer to your body as well, if you’ve healed or learned better ways to cope with a condition. Or, it could refer to how you physically relate to others, in any kind of affectionate relationship. Now’s a time to see how changes in your outlook have granted you comfort and opportunity, and congratulate yourselves for any big gains. Many of you have sacrificed other parts of your life for this, and now it’s time to focus on how you can increase wellbeing in all areas instead of just the physical.

A Peep into the New Year…:

Some of the year will be particularly good for work or school. You will naturally excel in these or things will flow more smoothly. Especially if you have to pay attention to a lot of details, or if you provide a service to others. However, you may feel disconnected from your environment. For many of you, this refers to the natural environment, but it could also refer to the world or other environments you frequent. This will be a natural byproduct of whatever you’re pursuing at the time (school/work/etc). You could feel trapped or restless, possibly wanting to quit. If this is referring to the world at large, you may feel guilty or defeatist, like no humanitarian or environmental efforts you do will ever be enough. It’s important to take care of your mental health—much of this is from anxiety rather than reflecting the world around you. Bringing something natural into your home/workplace could be beneficial (plants, stones, seashells etc), as well as decorating with things from home if you feel homesick. You may enjoy gardening (especially veggies). Find parks or natural areas where you are, or spend time intentionally finding things you like about your surroundings. If you feel stuck at home rather than away from it, any small thing to change your scenery could help (going outside more, switching your lounging area, etc). Some of you may feel disappointed if you can’t make a long trip somewhere, but consider if a short trip is possible. If you feel humanitarian guilt, volunteering with an immediate, tangible effect can be encouraging (litter cleanup/soup kitchens etc). [Discrimination (Venus in Virgo, 6th house), Nature Communication rx, the Wheel of Fortune, Eight of Swords]

You guys are giving imposter syndrome. You may be in a learning environment where you feel like you don’t belong. You’ll go through the motions and try to adapt through every situation. You might feel like you have to keep your wits about you or always be prepared to say the “right” thing to keep up an image. This can make you feel out of control. But, you’re supposed to be learning; you’re not supposed to know everything. Allow yourself space to grow and make mistakes; don’t depend on someone else to give that or take it away. Feeling anxious or uneasy during a learning curve is natural and doesn't mean you’re a fraud or bad person. Most everyone experiences this. Establish a sense of inner security, or take time to remind yourself of things you’ve aced. For a lot of you, this may be about intimacy; you may feel nervous about navigating closeness with another. You may be more likely to notice everything you’re doing wrong or feel awkward about your performance in the relationship. Communicate with your partner! With the Influence card, your words may come across particularly sweet or sensical during this time, so don’t be afraid to talk about how you feel (whether with a partner, coworkers, teachers, peers, etc). You can learn much from others. [Bluff (Jupiter in Gemini, 3rd house), the Emperor rx, Kenaz, Influence (Mercury in Libra, 7th house)]

Finally, I see this pile going through an extremely transformative period. This seems to not be from anything directly identifiable; you may not be able to place where this transformation started or what spurred it. This is likely an internal change (that’s not to say external ones won’t also occur, but the cards are pointing to your inner world). You might wake up one day and realize you’re very different, or that you’re changing but don’t know why. This transformation could be centered around your beliefs or self concept. For example, you may feel like you’re stepping into your power, or like you’ve remembered who you and the people around you are. For those that believe in past lives, you may remember a pattern that’s played out in other lives, or you may remember someone in this life has been with you in another. For many of you this could be influenced by a relationship, but mostly, this is about some change of power within you. The cards are neutral; this can play out in any way. Because of the “manipulation” card, it’s important to make sure that others are not taking away your freedoms and that you’re maintaining a sense of authority over yourself. You may not notice a change at first, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take control of the transformation once you do see it. [Manipulation (Jupiter in Scorpio, 8th house), Choices rx, Eight of Wands sideways, Past Lives/(the Moon)]

Overall Theme for the New Year [Status (Jupiter in Taurus, 2nd house), ten of swords rx]: if last year was focused on material security then I see this continuing in the upcoming year. Either way, the year will bring attention to your physical world and the blessings it has to offer. You will not only be focused on security, but also be prompted to enjoy what you have already created, especially if you began projects, jobs, studies, or other ambitions last year. You may find more comfort in material things than usual, such as a lot of shopping or eating new foods (it may be easy to overindulge!). Many of you are on the younger side getting your first “real” or serious job, so this may be excitement caused by a stable source of income. There is recognition for what you tangibly contribute to your environment. You will be valued in the groups you’re in or will feel empowered to find such a space. If your job or studies involve a lot of verbal speaking (such as public speaking, pitching ideas), this in particular could be very beneficial or encouraged (this makes some of you anxious, it’s ok!). However, this extends to all forms of communication. If you are in a committed relationship, your partner may also experience similar blessings. Make sure to clearly communicate with them and keep an eye on power dynamics in the relationship. This year will prompt you to re-evaluate what you’ve carried from your past, though I feel this is the distant past. Like mindsets you started developing in childhood, but this can extend to past lives if you believe in them.

The monarchs stand on the balcony of their castle. On one side they can see a vast green hill rolling towards the woods. On the other side, their small but stunning kingdom. Their hearts swell, because they have built this kingdom with their own two hands. They have helped put the people’s homes together, they have farmed food themselves. It has not always been easy to safeguard a kingdom against the shifting forces of nature, but they’ve done it. Dawn illuminates the fruit of their labor.

Possible examples (but not limited to…): missing your hometown, living in an urban area/spending all day indoors and wishing to be in nature, troubles going back home (for example, wanting to go back but your family telling you to keep at it), living on your own for the first time (especially at a distance from family, some are wanting to study abroad), volunteering, mutual aid, community work, humanitarian jobs (non-profit?), crystals (some of you do a spiritual practice with crystals at night?), feeling uncertain about beliefs, working on a team or group project, relationship or work anxiety, a “frog in pot” situation (a situation that degrades so slowly that you don’t notice), recognition in school or work, changing your self beliefs & self concept, a change to self esteem, past life memories/spiritual work, working on relationship confidence, developing parts of yourself you’ve neglected (especially anything set aside while working on physical security), big life events that are outside your control but have a direct impact on you, career/academic advancement/promotion, internships, a work crush or relationship from a job (careful lol), or a relationship with someone you once worked with, visiting loved ones at work, nostalgia or deja-vu

Extra Details: basketball, football, STEM or business (for STEM i’m getting technology or tech-business), family home is two stories and/or on a property with a large yard/backyard, recognizing people from past lives, fairytale love, Mercury as a prominent planet in your profection year or solar return, a romantic or intimate relationship carrying over from this year to the next, manifestation/law of assumption, friend or partner who works as an artist, some of you like the little mermaid or mermaid stories (or you feel like Ariel), a partner in a noticeably higher position/financial status than you and may live with them (you guys in particular should pay attention to power dynamics)—yall please LEAVE if somebody “decides” you should not talk to or go out with your friends & family (even if those people are bothersome to you that’s YOUR decision to make)

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Pile 3:

Something to Reflect On [Investigate, Justice sideways]: hello pile three! You are being called to evaluate how you allocate your energy. Most of this pile puts a ton of energy into specific tasks to the point where they don’t have a lot left for themselves or other areas. Specifically, I am getting most of you may be taken advantage of by the people in your life, and that this isn’t something you readily notice. This varies per individual. People might ask a lot of favors from you, and because you think it’s your duty or obligation, you always fulfill them. Maybe this is a family member who expects you to always be there to do certain tasks no matter what you have going on (a lot of you seem to have a really stern guardian figure). This could be a partner who places a lot of emotional or domestic burdens on you. It could be a workplace. Whatever the situation, the main message here is to think about it, but then reflect on it again. I think a lot of you aren’t as critical of this behavior as you could be, which is why you have to really evaluate if the ways you spend energy are detrimental to other areas of life. As Justice is sideways, some of you are not necessarily in such a situation, but now is a good time for you to evaluate how balanced you really are. Either way, you are also being prompted to really think about what you’re going to do if adjustments are needed; don’t fly off the handle or impulsively react.

A very specific message is some of you may be victims of shady or criminal behavior (already happened). I’m not getting anything huge, but you’re asked to really find the facts of the situation and not blindly accept convenient stories. Some of you may live with others and may have noticed a lot of your items or money going missing? I don’t usually write out the phrases on the oracle cards, but yours says: “look closely, ask questions, think before acting.” Some of you may be part of ongoing investigations, in which case this is referring to that.

A Peep into the New Year…:

There is a mental transformation, almost an awakening of sorts. This will be a development of your inner guidance, intuition, or sense. You will be pushed to see that you can in fact trust yourself, and that you have enough wisdom (or the capacity to develop it) to navigate life with your own will. The imagery on the cards with your rune suggests an integration. I feel this part of your mind has always been present, however you may be the kind of person to frequently second guess yourself or to think your own ideas/advice inferior to others (or perhaps others have tried to mentally dominate you and replace your ideas with theirs). Whatever your situation, your inner “knowing” and wisdom will be coming forth to join your conscious decision-making skills. But, it seems you will mentally resist this, or that this period may be confusing to you. You may feel scatter-brained, anxious, or confused a lot (if this becomes very distressing then I encourage you to access any accessible mental health resources). Perhaps you feeling this way is actually what is going to trigger the transformation. You will need to give yourself a lot of grace to evolve your mind. You may try to logically find solutions to problems or continue using old thought patterns, but this period is going to push different ways of thinking you're not used to. For example, if you always try to make very rational choices, you may need to think creatively or factor in gut feelings to arrive at a good decision. You may find yourself being questioned by those close to you who don’t understand your thinking, and this may require diplomatic communication. Overall, your mental activities can guide you to a good place, but it’s a matter of trusting your own guidance—even if others belittle your ability to think for yourself. [Flattery (Venus in Gemini, 3rd house), Guidance, Dagaz, Queen of Swords rx]

I feel this experience is related to the above and for many it will co-occur; I also see a period where you have mental resistance up. The ideals, compromises, and decisions you have chosen to live with will be under a magnifying glass. Mental routine and comfort will be challenged as you re-evaluate what your beliefs are, especially about yourselves. What are your values, what can you endure to live a more fulfilling life? Some of you have a tendency to get or stay in situations where external forces (mainly people) have a lot of control over your life; codependency. If so, this energy is related to that, especially if this describes your family life. There’s a lot of stubborn or slow-moving energy here; many of you may try to dismiss the questions or changes that are knocking at your door. You may use the physical to distract you, like your daily routine or job. At the same time, if you aspire to change, you may have to defend yourself against others a lot. This could encourage that slow-moving energy, as you may feel tense if challenged by others. Overall, this is a time of endurance. Allow slow, steady adjustments to your mindset + reality as you determine who you are and what you want. [Resistance (Mercury in Taurus, 2nd house), Forget Who You Are rx, I Want to Be a Queen rx, seven of wands]

Lastly, I see you will eventually be called to act upon the ideas you have developed during your transformation—putting your plans into action. With Mercury in cardinal Earth paired with the knight of mind, there will be a drive and ambition to realize the reality you’ve been pining for. The energy here is that no matter what, you're committing to the course you’ve set, regardless of people or obstacles. This time period will pass judgment on what you've been contemplating for so long—the reality you have been imagining yourself in during the more stagnant parts of the year (and maybe last year as well?) While I do feel like most of this will be coming from your own willpower, with the major arcana, you may be presented with some kind of opportunity or circumstance that will further empower you. This may come after you take the first steps to move towards what you want. This could be about pursuing something in your career or material path, but I think it will extend into any part of your life that you've spent a ton of time thinking about. This period will remind you that dreams are not necessarily reality, yet they guide reality once you are ready to do something. If you did experience tense relationships with family or others throughout the year, I see you getting more of a handle on this and feeling more prepared to take on their challenging words (not that you have to keep going back and forth with these people). [Organization (Mercury in Capricorn, 10th house), Fighting, Judgement, two of wands rx]

Overall Theme for the New Year [Idealism (Sun in Aquarius, 11th house), the Hanged Man]: this year is about radical changes in perspective. Not only can you dare to dream, but you can also dare to make those dreams reality. Your mind is precious—protect and use it as much as possible. You may have had a complicated relationship with your desires & dreams in the past. Maybe others' pessimism affected you, and 2024 will prompt you to challenge limiting beliefs you’ve absorbed. This is a year where you realize that your hopes don’t have to detract from real life, they can be the seeds. Friends and community are especially significant in your 2024 energy.

A smile sits on the face of this philosopher, though this is not a title they chose for themselves. The symposium has hushed into suspicious and questioning tones, eyes on the philosopher who has not even said much at all. But what they have said, well, where do they get off? Their ideas are certainly not from here. They speak of a fantasy world where things are better than they are and the status quo is rudely disregarded. Where equality and fairness are true and not only words. The wise men furrow their brows and think, “foolish youth.” The philosopher explains nothing more; what is understood does not have to be explained. But, the seeds are sown. Quietly, in the hearts of the eternally foolish, the design of a better world is constructed.

Possible examples (but not limited to…): feeling called towards a job or interest but others around you not agreeing, feeling pulled towards many different directions, unsure of your “calling,” realizing something you want for yourself, changing your beliefs (especially about your role in the world, or about social expectations such as gender roles?), or a period where you’re interested in new beliefs but you try to deny this interest. Standing your ground, finding strategic ways to communicate with those around you (including ways to keep plans to yourself). At one point (or now) you may be wanting to escape or move far away, but later in the year you may actually lose interest in this or want to move somewhere that’s not as far. Career developments or planning, personal projects, applying to jobs or networking (part of this may feel discouraging or stagnant but don’t lose hope!), you may feel more connected to animals or nature this year (especially if you live in a wooded area), starting a business (especially with friends—crafts/handmade items? Or you might go to artists fairs & markets), working a “not as serious” or part-time job while you plan for a business/career, saving money

Extra Details: naivety, law enforcement or court case, some of you have info about a case you have not brought to the investigators? (I’m not giving legal advice here lol it just came to mind). Specific family member that’s very domineering (especially over you), though I am getting this is a pattern in your other relationships too (for some this person has no/almost no water placements in their natal chart? They could have very bright blue eyes). You may bite your tongue a LOT with this person but this is changing for many (possibly some arguments with them). Some of y’all really like peanut/nut butter 😭? Interest in the arts (or another field that’s not respected) that you’ve never seriously pursued, hiding your interest in artistic or “childish” things, coming from a conservative culture, the main one doing housework, having to be very observant of someone’s behavior to know the “right way” to talk to them so the conversation doesn’t go south? This pile has a way with words, like you naturally phrase things figuratively or poetically. “The time is now bitch, the time is now!! The war’s already started!!” Breaking Bad? Nature themed or inspired art. Mercury may be very important or aspected in the natal chart (possibly solar return as well to a lesser extent). 11th house may be prominent too

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Pile 4:

Something to Reflect On [the Tower, Queen of Pentacles]: hi pile 4! In this past year or the one before, something major shook up your life. Something shook your sense of security to the core. It challenged the notion of control, and you’ve had to rebuild it from the ground up. This feels like something that came out of nowhere, a life event that you know could happen to anyone but you either don’t expect it to happen to you when it does or it’s something you can’t plan for (like a sudden death/illness, breakup out of nowhere, houselessness/kicked out, I keep thinking you felt “dethroned”). As the Queen of Pentacles came after the tower and this pile had a very calming energy when I connected to you, you guys have started to or already come to terms with what happened. You’re picking up the pieces and getting back on your inner throne, though many of you are still dealing with the fallout of these circumstances. You guys should appreciate how far you’ve come in your inner world, or at least your amazing and impressive endurance. I don’t know why but there’s an emphasis on complimenting your endurance lol, the word “honorable” came to mind. This pile seems to have been through something incredibly hard (maybe on a physical level) that a lot of people would have folded under. Some of you had an opportunity to get out using shady means (like cheating or harming others, going against some kind of morals) and in the end you decided to stay by your integrity. This pile should really appreciate themselves, as you’re the one who has carried yourself through the tough storms.

A Peep into the New Year…:

At least one part of the year, if not the whole year, will feel jam-packed with a lot of different things happening. This is a blessed time where by your own willpower, abilities, and individuality, you’ll be able to receive something beautiful. I hear “convenience,” so, very convenient opportunities may come your way. Someone else could help arrange a blessing, or something could come into your life that makes it easier, but this is because of who you are as a person. This period may feel like a dream, like the Sun coming out after the clouds held it hostage. Things will happen that will help you to feel reconnected with life and the universe—your role in the scheme of things—and they may happen close together. This may be a little disorienting, so try incorporating some grounding practices into your life, or something that addresses feelings of disconnect (ex, meditation). I am also seeing a relationship focused on sensuality. This is new for most of you and may be with someone you already know. The relationship may begin with the help of someone else (maybe someone introduced you). This doesn’t seem to be the main event though; this relationship is one thing and the blessings I was talking about are another. Throughout everything, it’s highly emphasized to maintain your individuality. Either through the relationship or other things happening, you may feel the need to change yourself, or feel like a cog in the machine. The new developments could feel tiresome or too much for you. On a physical level, it may be a lot (especially if you have a job including manual labor/moving things). Not only do you need to take care of your body + needs, but also remember your uniqueness is needed. You’re not a spare part; you don’t need to be shaped to conform like others. Growing and changing is great, but the greatness comes from authenticity and the beauty of your specific path. Not from making yourself something you’re not. Alternatively, you may already be living like this and grow tired of it. [Fortune (Sun in Leo, 5th house), Existence, Such a Curious Dream rx, Romance (Venus in Taurus, 2nd house), Conditioning, Exhaustion]

Possibly related to the tiredness I mentioned, there may be a time where things seem totally out of your control—as if the wheel of life is turning and not waiting for you to catch up. There are bigger forces here, like institutions or other people that have control & importance over you. For example, higher education, local/state governments, the legal system. Something will stress you out, possibly news or the lack of agency you feel. This seems like a life pattern for this pile; it could trigger old feelings of lacking control. The unique qualities you have are what helps you move through these times, not what hinders you. The last card says “you will make it through this.” This period is bringing a cycle to the end (ten of swords was on the bottom of the deck); don’t catastrophize. The wheel of life is constantly turning, but you are also part of the wheel. I don’t know what it is about this pile but over and over your cards are pointing out how your individuality and the unique way your life has played out is your strength through all things (one of your cards says “there are not many like you!”). There may be a few things going on during this period that you have to juggle or prioritize over something you really wanted to do. A kind relationship with yourself is your foundation to face the world. The relationships around you will also be important, and may be one of the things making your life feel odd at this time (this news could be developments in a friend’s life). Maintaining bonds, internal and external, will create small blessings as you work towards peace. [Friendship (Moon in Cancer, 4th house), You Are Rare and Free, the Emperor rx, Shine Bright Like a Candle, Raidho rune]

Not every single oracle card referencing relationships I’m soo 😭. In fact, in every experience I read for you guys, something came out about relationships or loving someone. So obviously lol, companionships of all kinds are a large focus. This person (or people) will challenge you to close one of the constant cycles in your life—something regarding communication. Many of you have struggled to authentically communicate, possibly in regards to whatever it is about your individuality that keeps coming out. Maybe you tried to downplay or pretend in your relationships, and this has perpetuated a toxic loop (ex, if you are disabled, you may have downplayed the level of support you need). Your relationships will prompt you to be true, to see if you are up to the task of presenting yourself with all your lumps & bumps and saying, “here I am,” instead of, “don’t look at me.” They will also prompt you to rethink the role you play in healthy communication. You might have downplayed how you felt about others, like pretending to accept things you weren’t okay with. How this plays out will be different for everyone; maybe you will be with someone who understands you easily for once. It could be someone who understands you as long as you actually say something. Or, you may have to speak up for yourself and work through that struggle. Whatever the case, there’s an opportunity to grow through care & intimacy. You got another Sun card—the most fortuitous suite in the deck—so there’s a positive connotation to your bonds. With the Sun, Venus, and Moon all here (and the 2nd, 7th, and 9th house), I think these will be very compelling or fulfilling. You may interact a lot with someone who expands your worldview. But, even if someone is so close they feel telepathic, remember to still communicate and be conscious of cycles! [Acquisition (Sun in Taurus, 2nd house), Flirtation (Venus in Sagittarius, 9th house), Companionship (Moon in Libra, 7th house), Knight of Swords rx, the World]

Overall Theme for the New Year [Beyond Illusion, two of wands]: there's a strong emphasis on “dream-like” feelings this year. You may feel disoriented in the currents of life. You can either put your focus into the ever-changing external world and try to find your footing in those currents, or you can develop your stronghold in your inner world. By turning inward and looking at yourself without the outer noise, you can figure out what makes your soul feel good. You can learn more about yourself, what you’re capable of, and continue to develop security that cannot be washed away by what people say or do. When you only focus on the external, you focus on reacting. When you focus on the internal, you simply are, and you find the source of things.

A stray wanderer stands at the crossroads of themselves. To go left is to dream, where all the world resides. To go right is to wake up, to be with oneself, but not alone. Neither road promises soft steps nor uncalloused feet; a journey it will be either way. The wanderer is not hurried; all of eternity unfolds at the crossroads. They sit in the fork of the path and meditate.

Possible examples (but not limited to…): international travel, a tiring job (especially physically), shedding personas, increase in meditation, dreams, or spirituality, journaling/returning to journaling. A new lover, friends w/ benefits, or increased physical affection in a current relationship, someone giving you something or helping you to show appreciation, an arranged date, challenges to enjoying new things (ex, you travel but feel discouraged by how tiring it is due to health issues. So instead of telling those who want to be with you to go without you, maybe ask for a day of rest once you arrive). Going on hikes, camping, new activities in nature. Developments or news about something with the government or legal system (some kind of welfare, legal case? ), someone close moving away (especially for school), deciding to be friends instead of partners (this theme came out twice, you may flip flop between romance & friendship), very specific but someone you know may be worried about doing time or may get out of prison. Having to prioritize responsibility over a hobby or relationship, applying to school or for government assistance. Relationships that brings financial blessings or gifts, shedding old beliefs about relationships

Another very specific message: you may start or be in a relationship with a barista, bartender, or waiter. They may have an interesting relationship with money, like being very frugal or super generous. They may have a stocky build, very active (or you are and they contrast that). Even if they work with alcohol some do not drink at all. They may drink black coffee or tea instead. Some of them hoard.

Extra Details: living in a car, more life experience than other piles (age wise there are more people in their 30s+), house fire or having to escape your house in the past, partner suddenly kicked you out, living with parents, frosted flakes? Wanting children (or more) but unsure how this will work. Getting back on one’s feet, feeling excited or anticipating (especially about a job), health issues affecting work or that you got from work. You could think poetically/ metaphorically. A strong, solid, compelling energy when you embrace yourself. Don’t be flippant with birth control or protection even if you think you’re not fertile, especially with new, untested partners. Azealia Banks (212), Nicki Minaj. Strong Leo and fixed placement energy [at least in 2024], a person very in-tune with nature or who works with the environment (this could be you but seems more like someone you’ll get to know. Park ranger?) Wearing or using something special at work (an accommodation?). Disabilities, chronic illness/injuries (especially cerebral palsy or burns). Adult or spooky cartoons. Getting out of prison, probation, halfway house. The Lich (“I am the ceaseless wheel”), visual arts/making crafts (wanting to go to school for it; struggling to make time). Not completing or struggling in education, reading & speaking troubles (stutters?). Feeling perceived as uneducated or ineloquent, so you come up with unique ways to be understood. The way things go- beabadoobee (might remind you of your communication troubles).

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Pile 5:

Something to Reflect On [Endurance (Sun in Scorpio, 8th house), Resistance (Mercury in Taurus, 2nd house), Knight of Cups rx]: hi pile five! You guys really had to defend yourself last year? Or this is a trend in your life. Earlier in the year (or life) you expected and sought support from loved ones but in the end you had to protect yourself from those people, or you were in a struggle with them. Either because of incompatibility or underlying issues (mental, emotional, etc) you had to rescind your relationship with them, or they became an adversary to you. This could represent a breakup (any kind) or family relations, but one to two people in particular are getting highlighted (such as a love interest and also a parent figure). You should appreciate how you’ve shown up for yourself and survived—congratulate yourself for being strong even when you shouldn’t have had to be. Especially because this experience seemed to be very transformative or harsh. But, also analyze the ways this could've pushed you into a shell. There may be harmful habits you picked up in order to survive (especially in communication, for example being very defensive, closed off. You might struggle with snapping at people or feeling attacked).

A specific message for some is you may have spent a lot of time pursuing someone who didn’t want you. You expected them to eventually come around if you kept at it? And you are called to reflect on different aspects of that, such as respect for your own time and others’ boundaries.

A Peep into the New Year…:

A portion of the year will be defined by communication or having a lot of ideas at once. This has to do with a conventional institution: school, jobs, marriage, religion, etc. You might be thinking of tons of different things you want to do but find it hard to settle on one or know what’s needed to accomplish your goals. There’s a lot of energy but not necessarily a lot of focus, more so planning, brainstorming, & communicating. These ideas might be centered on how you can be of service to the world, your life path, or how you can pursue a conventional route while putting your own spin on it. A specific message for some is you could want to pursue something that’ll help animals/the environment, or a humanitarian role (this could be anything from veganism to getting a non-profit job, etc). You may receive news about an engagement or marriage. If the institution does refer to religion, you could be very vocal about your beliefs at this time, but might get mixed responses. This may cause tension in the family or social circle. [Excitement (Mercury in Gemini, 3rd house), the Hierophant, Messages for a Rabbit, The Right Way rx]

Most likely related to the above, there’ll be a period where you decide to part ways with tradition. After much thinking, you may find something you thought you could pursue or endure is not for you—even though it’s what’s expected of you. This may be isolating, or you ‘ll feel weird compared to those around you. Or, you might spend more time with people who understand your decisions and self-expression—people who also broke away from tradition. This will be a sensitive time; you’ll be more in tune with your emotions and the emotions of others. Old feelings can surface, particularly of abandonment, loneliness, and disappointment. This could be very overwhelming, so take extra care of your mental and emotional health. You might grieve experiences you will no longer have now that you are committing to going a different way (example, you might feel left behind by friends who are going to college if you decide not to do that). Feel what you need to commit to your path. There could be a slight struggle in truly letting go of whatever this is, especially if it’s a belief system. Also allow yourself grace, patience, space, and empathy in getting used to changes. [Empathy (Moon in Pisces, 12th house), four of pentacles sideways, We’re All Mad Here, the Hierophant rx]

After dealing with others'/society’s expectations of you for so long, and even your own expectations of yourself, you may suddenly charge forth, revitalized. You will be empowered to make a life for yourself with your own two hands. Something about your body is significant; whatever path you decide on may include some kind of physical work (ex, hand-made art, modeling, physical labor etc, could also refer to moving & travel). If you are pregnant or get pregnant, this is in reference to your labor or last trimester. Shortly before this period you will feel you are carrying a burden that's not yours to carry. This can be others’ expectations, or it could refer to any duties you have been maintaining but don’t have your heart in. When you enter this time period, you may have a flare of indignation or feel upset that you've been living according to what others say and not your own truth. Hone this feeling into productivity. Example, if you feel angry that someone doesn’t believe in your art, make more art! You might also have a surge of confidence and stand up for yourself like never before, though be careful not to waste energy on those who refuse to understand. Whatever your case is, this will be a time to embrace your own truth and let go of those who seek to live through or control you. You will be setting out on your own in some way. You’ll break free of those ideas once believed to be your own, but now are clearly things others conditioned into you. You will seek freedom from the burden of not being yourself. [Birth (Venus in Cancer, 4th house), Enterprise (Jupiter in Aries, 1st house), Keep Your Temper rx, ]

Overall Theme for the New Year [Believe, Ostentation]: this year will challenge you to believe in yourself more. It’s not that this will get much easier. It’s your own constant effort showing that no matter what, you can rely on yourself. That your worth is far greater than what others think—you can accomplish what you set your mind to. Some of you may be afraid of following your own path due to material hardships. This is understandable, but whatever is giving you anxiety, know that building inner security is what enables people to make big leaps. Your emotions will be incredibly important guides for you this year. Learning to accept and maintain your emotional state will be part of what shows you your own unshakeable foundation. If you put in the work towards loving and supporting yourself, you will be flaunting (boasting even) self-confidence like never before.

The monarch rides through the streets of their kingdom, head held oh-so high. Is this the notorious royal descendant, are the rumors all true? Whispers and strange glances spread down the road like wildfire. Everyone wants a look—a taste—so they may judge this stranger themselves. They certainly have heard the terrible stories and fearful feats attributed to them, and if they know what’s good for them they’ll clear the air. But the monarch says nothing to anyone. Should they hold their head any higher, they will surely hurt their neck! There’s no need to explain anything, nor do they need to make a fancy show of themselves for the people’s opinion. Their crown is their confidence; it ripples around them like silk. The power in their gaze explains everything anyone needs to know.

Possible examples (but not limited to…): applying to universities or jobs, building a resume, changes in beliefs about your role in the world, environment, or ecosystem, changes in spiritual & religious beliefs that put you at odds with others, changes in diet, brainstorming careers or majors, taking a non-traditional route in school. Leaving a religion or similar system, standing up for yourself against loved ones, a new project/business/art form/career path, graduating, moving away or moving to another relative’s home, getting pregnant, if you are or get pregnant then you may be especially emotional during your second trimester, making a medical decision for yourself, cutting people off (especially toxic family), writing a lot (you may write letters or lots of notes too), growing out of a childhood belief, starting a job (especially part-time, or as a supplement to something else)

Extra Details: black holes, red hair or red as a common color in your style (also green), communion, wanting your suffering to be recognized, cheerleaders, high school students, spending time (especially Summer) in the countryside and by the ocean (sea creatures are significant. Some of you may want to go vegan/vegetarian but are struggling because you love seafood?), a relative (mostly female) who lives in a more rural area you can go stay with, really liking animated movies, especially animated fairy tales or the anime fairy tale? Might also like zombie media (shows etc) or feel like a zombie. Detail-oriented rather than big-picture focused, might tend to just say or blurt out whatever you want, Catholic stigmata?

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Pile 6:

Something to Reflect On [ten of cups rx, the Emperor]: hi pile six! Last year there was a disappointment, loss, or ending with a loved one, or someone in your support system. This could be anything from a breakup, to a family death (found family?), or feeling a lack of fulfillment with those around you. You had to remain strong through this loss of connection and fill the void it left. You could’ve felt like you were drowning in the emotional turbulence you endured (literal drowning is significant to some). You could’ve also felt lonely and like you had to be strong for whoever was left. Even though this doesn’t make the disappointment or grief easier to bear, please appreciate how you show up for yourself and others.

A Peep into the New Year…:

Possibly related to the above message, you’ll be shouldering a burden that’s not entirely yours to carry. There’s a situation that’ll be unfair or unbalanced, and this will take a toll on you. This could be a legal case, something law-related like a will, inheritance, contract, or something where stipulations are involved. Or, it could be something where you feel you’re getting the short end of the stick and having to take on a duty that’s hoisted on you. If you recently had a death in the family, this is likely related to the aftermath (a funeral or burial? I heard “bury”). Through ideas, communication, or ingenuity (it could be your own or someone else’s), balance will be restored to the situation. This will likely involve letting go of something you were making yourself do (I hear “promise,” you may have to rescind a promise that’s become toxic?). This felt very stifling and anxiety-inducing, but a good outcome is on the horizon. Your word may carry a lot of power in this situation, which may be why you ultimately get to decide if this carries on in your life or not. [Influence (Mercury in Libra, 7th house), Law is not Justice rx, the Burden, the Sun rx]

For a portion of the year, financial & material achievement will be of greater importance. More stability or success can come in. If you have a job or business, you may have positive developments if you put in effort. However, there’s something in your life that’s pulling on you, or there’s some kind of dependent relationship related to this material success. For example, building your savings by living with family. Or, there may be something that’s taking a lot of your attention and making it hard to focus on your success. However, it seems any situation that makes you feel dependent or dissatisfied during this period will encourage you to put even more energy into advancing. Despite stability or comfort, you’ll be focused on going your own way or working towards goals. You’ll seek to protect what’s important to you by putting more of yourself into it. If you have children, they could feel more dependent on you at this time, or you could feel more responsibility towards them. This can also refer to the relationship with your own family. Pregnancy may be more likely. No matter the case, this period will be one of renewal where you’re focused on building up for the future. You may be less inclined to share your plans with others, despite the attention you receive. [Riches (Saturn in Capricorn, 10th house), 9 of pentacles rx, the Chariot, Berkano rune]

Finally, there’s a part of the year where you need to safeguard your own interests. The message came out a bit choppy but I will try my best to convey it. For some or all of the year, you may experience a surge in confidence and a sense of knowing. This could be in general, or it could especially be confidence placed in a person. Either way, the message I got was “be careful once you’re confident.” There will be events placed along your year that will differentiate between confidence, impulsiveness, and arrogance, but when you feel very sure, all of them can seem the same. Make sure to always use your wisdom and not just confidence alone as your guide. Don’t think yourself above others, don’t be a braggart, and don’t make impulsive decisions because you think the consequences won’t happen. This could be a message about yourself, or it could relate to someone challenging something you hold dear. What I’m saying might sound silly because I don’t think you’re the type to be haughty, if anything this pile is understanding of reality based on your experiences. So that’s why I’m trying to convey that I think this is something you would normally never think about, things you might take for granted. This can include your trust in someone or something to do with your body? An inheritance, or something you receive(d) through family, including a home. You are being asked to put in an honest effort and cover your bases instead of bluffing through situations. Example, make sure your inner security is based on yourself and not on someone being there to give it to you. Make sure you pay attention to your body’s needs instead of assuming you’ll feel perfect. Especially if a genetic condition runs in your family, pay attention to that. There are two Saturn cards in this part of your reading. Put in the honest work, protect yourself, be patient and fair without impulsiveness, and you can sail through choppy waters. [Inheritance (Saturn in Scorpio, 8th house), King of Cups, Risk (Saturn in Aries, 1st house), Uncertainty rx]

Overall Theme for the New Year [Manage To Be Glad, Nauthiz rune]: create your own happiness; don’t allow external circumstances to dictate your entire wellbeing. This year is about life lessons and effort. Embrace these as part of everyone’s path—including yours—and you won’t struggle against the tide. Going down too-good-to-be-true shortcuts and overindulging in fantasy both come with consequences later. Be attentive to your needs and not just your wants. Most importantly, be aware that your actions create short and long-term effects; just ignoring the future does not undo the ripples of your decisions. Be mindful of how you treat yourself and the kind of reality you create for future you.

Witch—that’s what they call the one in the woods. Perhaps you’ll see them at their doorstep, dressed in all black, petting the cat in their arms (surely a familiar). Maybe you’ll see the candlelight burning into the late night when one is up to no good. But are they a witch? They are wise and avoid missteps by careful planning. To an outsider it’s magic, but to the witch it is only common sense.

Possible examples (but not limited to…): resolving funeral/end-of-life matters (for a recent death), resolving ongoing legal questions or troubles after feeling anxious, carefully reviewing contracts or agreements, choosing yourself or to withdraw some of the care you give to others, speaking up for yourself or finding your voice, needing a vacation, living with family, movement in the family home, wanting a different job or career, taking care of family or children—or being taken care of, making a leap towards a material goal, setting up plans or money for the future, being recognized at work or by peers, super specific message but you could go on a lot of walks (specifically late at night) with a close friend or partner, spending time in a different house than usual, close friendship or needing friends for emotional support, friends w/ benefits, pregnancy-related scares or other sudden news about one’s body, saturn return, finding out you didn’t really know someone, a pattern from the past replaying, receiving inheritance, someone challenging a relationship

[18+ only message] For any that do SW, be very mindful of your circle and clients, as well as who gets your pictures, as there may be some jealous or revengeful energy surrounding that. For others that don’t do SW but may send 18+ pics, the same applies. Take wise precautions regardless of who gets them.

Extra Details: the ocean, trauma regarding water (but still drawn to it at the same time?), Yellow by Coldplay, diamonds, crystals (especially yellow ones?), Poker Face by Lady Gaga, South America (especially the northern part of S America like Colombia), Roman Holiday? Law school or firm, body dysmorphia, inheritance from a father figure (could be a grandpa—very thick round glasses, bald on top with feathery white hair, tan, very thick silver mustache, wore long sleeve button up shirts a lot, smiles a lot, gave you money, liked coffee a lot?), Neville Goddard, blood disorders or inherited disorders, chromosomal? Saturn as a prominent planet in the natal chart, solar return, or profection year (could have also been prominent in the chart of whoever passed recently), being the responsible or older child

🎆

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machineryangel · 8 months

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Haven't seen anyone talk ab it but Twin Drums studio (the majority of its core team of nine are Black, female, and queer) is developing a (successfully kickstarted!) Afro-fantasy game called The Wagadu Chronicles and I'm rly excited for its launch and you should check out their links

"This is a very personal project [...]" Twin Drums' founder and creative director Allan Cudicio explains. "For me, that meant looking back at my career realising how hard I had to fight just to get some Black characters in the games I was working on, or to get the artists to have an African-inspired setting and not the 40th European, French/Venetian inspired setting. It was very much a personal fight I had to go through."

"The game is political," Cudicio continued, describing the game as 'immersed in a Black, queer positive source'. "Too often we hear in our industry 'We don't do politics', which is fascinating. It's better to embrace what politics you have and for us it's anti-colonial, it's feminist, it's anti-ableist."

"[The Wagadu Chronicles] is an African-inspired fantasy sandbox MMORPG, so you travel through this African-inspired world, doing what you could call life skills: farming, fishing, crafting," Cudicio said. "It also has combat, mostly PVE, inspired by single player turn-based RPGs. Community is very important. Every village you see in The Wagadu Chronicles has been created, nurtured and expanded by communal efforts, which again is inspired by traditions of the continent. (x)

Wagadu removes the lens of medieval European influences in fantasy by being based entirely on African mythology. “A lot of games is nonconsensual killing and getting rewarded for it, whereas in Wagadu, and with nature, it’s about consent,” explains Cudicio. “That’s like traditional Yoruba hunters of the south of Nigeria. When they hunt, they chant a blessing and ask permission for the animal. In some cultures, you also ask for forgiveness or thank them afterwards. I think it’s important to rethink hunting not as something that’s very Western and capitalist — which is about the domination and destruction of nature — whereas in African societies it’s about balancing and respecting it.”

Suffice to say, being set in an African fantasy world also means players will only be able to play as Black characters, with a large selection of African names to choose from. “I know if people have that freedom, then white players will be lazy and just pick white people, and not challenge themselves, and then the setting will not be Black anymore,” says Cudicio. “To keep Wagadu African, there needs to be an artistic direction to say, like, this is a Black world, so everybody who plays has these features.” (x)

There have been black people in fantasy previous of course, but often their stripped of any tangible African influence. “I think what happens is you get very Western fantasy with people painted black, basically. There’s metal armour or a French looking knight, just with an afro or black skin. It’s good, it’s better than nothing, but we need to move a step further. It’s a very Eurocentric blackness.” (x)

#DOESN'T IT LOOK SO GOOD !!!!!#i'm surprised no one is promoting this yet :')#pcg #the wagadu chronicles #twin drums #pc games #video games #game development #game art #gaming #afrofantasy

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oh-austin · 2 years

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lift a finger (austin butler)

summary: in which you're heavily pregnant on the set of elvis and austin is set on making sure you the most comfortable you can be

ask / prompt : Hi! Can you please do one where the reader is pregnant and Austin is just super overprotective and cute! You choose if you want to include the birth and make it extremely fluffy. I just thought this would be amazing.

authors note / warnings: mentions of pregnancy and vomiting! I chose not to put the birth and labour in because I have another piece planned for my inez and austin series coming soon!! we love dad!austin here <3

────── ∘◦❀◦∘

Nearing the end of your pregnancy, you thought you had faced the worst of it and it would be smooth sailing from here on out. Boy were you wrong.

It was hard being pregnant and married to an actor, the busy schedules and flying from location to location was hard to keep up with, but when you’re married to the man portraying Elvis Presley.. that’s a whole other story.

Austin constantly doted on you whenever he was given the opportunity, but since you were often at home whilst he was shooting- you never really gave him the chance. But since you were met with braxton hicks last week, your doctor has recommended always being in someone’s company; Austin made sure he was that someone.

If Austin was filming a scene in the hot sun, you were sitting under a sunshade in his chair. If the call time was until eleven o’clock at night, you were asleep nearby. Austin made sure he always had you close and somewhere that he could see you.

Usually, you wouldn’t complain about getting to see Austin work. Watching him in his element was truly something special, but over the last few days you’ve just wanted to lounge around in bed and maybe finish the nursery. But here you were, sat next to a bail of hay nearing nine pm as Austin and Tom filmed the carnival scenes.

“How you feeling, mamas?” Austin looked just delicious walking over to you in his black lace shirt. Reminded you of how you got pregnant in the first place. “You’re glowing,” He complimented you.

“I don’t feel like I’m glowing,” You admitted to him. It was a warm summer night in Queensland, the humidity was not your friend. Being in the northern parts of Australia came with its perks, the heat wasn’t one of them- especially when you’re eight months pregnant. “Your child has been kicking me all day,”

“My child, huh?” Austin laughed, he almost seemed offended. “How’s your stomach? Still feelin’ sick?”

“I don’t know if I’m just nauseous because I’m pregnant or because they’re moving so much,” You rubbed your hand over your belly, “But I’m starting not to care,”

“Did you want to head back to the trailer? Have you got water?” Austin looked around, “I asked to get you water like three takes ago,” Austin’s voice became frustrated when he noticed you only had your bag next to you, no water in sight.

“Hey, it’s okay! These people are here for you, not me,” You reminded him, “I don’t need water, I’m fine,” You reached for Austin’s hand the best you could and placed it on top of your belly. Like your baby knew that their daddy was there, a strong kick made you jolt in your seat.

“Hey!” Austin laughed, “You should be asleep, little miss,”

“We don’t even know if it’s a girl yet,” It was true, your gender reveal idea was canned as soon as filming picked up. Everyone that you really wanted to attend was in a different country anyway, so there really wasn’t much of a point. That and Austin loved surprises, but he was set on your baby being a little girl.

“Oh, she’s a girl,” Austin crouched down, giving your belly a kiss, “Ain’t that right, Pres?” Austin had been adamant that you were going to name your child Presley. She was made on set baby, only fair we name him after the man who brought us here, he would argue. You weren’t letting that happen.

Austin Butler, the man who played Elvis Presley named his daughter after him? You could see the headlines now.

“We’re not calling her Presley!” You tilted his chin up to look at you.

Austin’s face broke out in a cheeky grin as he stood back up, “You said she’s a girl,” He sang. As Baz called him back over to reshoot the scene, Austin danced away from you joking whilst softly chanting ‘girl, girl, girl’. You shook your head at him and laughed.

Soon, Baz had Austin film some solo shots at the carnival, making use of the set whilst they were here. Whilst Austin was busy shooting, Tom soon made his way over to you.

“Y/N, how are you?” He asked. Tom might have been one of the most genuine men you had ever met. Soft spoken and kind, he had the ability to make anyone feel safe and calm.

“I’m tired,” You admitted to him, “Probably not as tired as you are in that costume,” Tom looked barely anything like himself, it was incredible really.

“You get used to it,” He chuckled, taking a seat down in the chair next to yours, “How much longer now?” He asked.

“Three weeks,” Your eyes widened, your heart would always race whenever you admitted it out loud. Soon, you and Austin would no longer be a family of two- forever three of you.

“Wow!” He marvelled, “Not long then. The first one is always an adventure,”

“She’s been a pretty big adventure,” You laughed, patting your belly, “I’ll tell you that,” You felt a kick back in response.

“So you’re having a girl! How exciting,” Tom sat forwards the best he could, he was always so attentive in any conversation. “My second child was a girl, I love being her dad- Austin’s gonna love it too,”

“Well, we don’t know if it’s a girl, Austin just thinks it is,” You told him. Tom watched as you looked across the carnival and over at Austin, he could see the admiration in your eyes for him. Reminded him of his wife and himself. “We don’t even have a name yet,”

“Well what names do you like?” He asked.

You thought to yourself for a second, “I like Harper for a girl, Austin doesn’t like it though,” You laughed, “He says it doesn’t ‘work’”

“You’ll know when you find the right name,” Tom admitted, “You’ll understand what he means when he says ‘it works’, I promise you that,” He laughed.

“Thank you, Tom” You turned back to look at him. After a few more minutes of conversation, Baz called Tom back for another couple scenes and you were sat alone once more. Well, not completely alone- and your baby was definitely trying to remind you of that.

The longer that you sat, the more sick you began to feel. Your stomach felt like it was cramping and turning at the same time. You tried some deep breaths to calm yourself down, but you couldn’t.

Austin’s manager noticed that you weren’t feeling well, once you had to rest your head in your hands.

“Y/N, you okay?” James leant down and spoke with a quiet voice, knowing you weren’t someone who wanted the attention on themselves.

You shook your head and swallowed the lump in your throat. “I think I’m gonna be sick,”

James, with a gentle hand on your back, lead you back to Austin’s trailer and helped you into the bathroom. It was hard for you to get close to the ground these days, but at that moment- your body knew you needed to.

You threw up your dinner, your throat burned as you dry heaved over the toilet. James was kind enough to hold your hair back for you. After a few minutes, you were rested against the wall of Austin’s bathroom, James passing you a bottle of water from the miniature fridge. You thanked him softly and apologised to him.

James asked if you would be okay as you begged him to go back to work, not needing people to watch over you. You were pregnant, not helpless. So James went back to set as you sat there taking slow sips of your water.

As Baz yelled cut and announced that they were now wrapped for the night, Austin was relieved that he could now spend the rest of his night with his wife and their baby. But as he looked over to where she was supposed to be, he found his chair empty.

He should’ve noticed you were gone. Austin mentally cursed himself, always his own biggest critic. He was too invested in filming the scene he could spare a single glance over at you, he was so stupid, he thought to himself.

“James!” Austin called over to his manager. James looked nervous as he rushed over to Austin.

“I’ve just come from the trailers,” James explained, Austin noticed his uneasy nature, “Y/N has been sick, so I’ve left her in there to rest,”

“Shit!” Austin sighed, already leaving the conversation once he heard you weren’t well, “Why don’t people come and tell me these things!” He shouted back at James, “She’s pregnant!”

Austin wasn’t an angry person, he wasn’t someone to express his feelings of frustration. Rather keep them to himself and write them down in his journal later. But when it came to you and his baby, it was a different story.

Austin was overcome with anger when he saw you sitting on the bathroom floor, struggling to get back up. “Mamas, what are you doin’ down there?” Even when upset, the Elvis drawl stayed with Austin. He rushed over to you and put an arm underneath you, ready to help you to your feet.

“I was sick, I’m just trying to get up and brush my teeth,” You explained to Austin. As soon as you were back on your feet, your ankles ached once more- oh they joys of motherhood.

“Sick? How bad?” Austin put his hand to your forehead, trying to feel for a fever, “You need me to get the doctor? She’s probably not left yet-“

“Austin,” You cupped his face with your hands, “I’m okay,”

He seemed to calm down visibly in your embrace. Austin leant into your soft touch. “Promise me you’re okay?”

“I promise! I’m just pregnant, pregnant people throw up” You talked slower to try and bring Austin back down to earth. You took a few breaths with Austin before letting go of his face, going to grab your toothbrush from the bench.

“No,” Austin beat you to it, “You’re not allowed to lift a finger for the rest of the night, you’re on my time now,”

You rolled your eyes at him, taking your toothbrush back. “Aren’t you on the clock?”

“As of five minutes ago? No, no I’m not,” Austin smirked, “So, brush your teeth and get in bed,”

“Did you want to brush them for me?” You raised your eyebrows at him.

“Shh,” Austin grabbed your face softly and kissed your head, “Get brushing,”

Although Austin was doting and protective over you, you knew that Tom was right- Austin was going to be a great dad to your little girl.

#austin butler #austin butler imagine #elvis 2022 #austin butler one shot #austin butler x reader #austin butler fluff #austin butler drabble #dad!austin #celeste writes fics

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darklydeliciousdesires · 6 months

Note

Hi there! I hope you’re well!

I saw that you’ve opened your drabble requests and, if they’re still open, I was wondering if you’d be willing to write something for Tommy Shelby using the prompt “Really? You’re pregnant?” ?

Thanks so much in advance if you choose to! 🥰

Hello! Yes, I'm good thank you. Hope you are, too! And of course, he you are, love!

"Oh god, oh god, oh god."

Pacing the pavement outside of the Shelby Company Ltd, you know you have to venture inside sooner or later. Ambivalence is your friend at the moment, though, your nerves tingling unpleasantly. Do you go in, or run for the bus stop and head home to remain in indecision a while longer?

He should know, though. Sooner rather than later.

It's happened all too rapidly, just four months into your courting of Tommy Shelby and now here you are, with a tiny little bun nestled within your oven. Tommy's tiny little bun. Bake time nine months.

"Oh, bloody hell." Taking a deep breath, you reach for the brass handles of the doors and pull them open. "Here goes nothing."

Striding down the hallway, you are met at the end by the smiling face of Lizzie, his secretary. "Oh, what a surprise. Luckily for you, he's in his office and not currently engaged, I don't think. Let me go and check for you, though. He might be on the phone."

Biting your thumbnail with nerves, you wait the short time it takes Lizzie to knock upon Tommy's office door, poking her head around to alert him to your arrival. "He's free, go on in."

He cuts a sharply dressed, yet casual figure behind his large desk, idly smoking a cigarette while perusing the morning broadsheets. Looking up, he smiles warmly. "You're the last person I was expecting to see this morning, sweetheart."

You swallow hard, hands fidgeting with the buttons upon your coat. "I erm, I have something to tell you, Tommy."

"Oh?" His curious reply pulls him from the paper, setting it down upon the desk as he gives you his full attention. "Not about to tell me I've been given the boot, are you? Because that really would ruin my tea break."

Tommy and his dry humour. "No, not at all, but depending on what you have to say in light of it, your tea break might still be ruined."

His nod urges you to continue, a small puzzled frown creasing his forehead. "You see, Tommy. The thing is, is, I erm. I've just come from the doctor. I'm erm, I... we... I'm pregnant."

Immediately he rises to his feet, his eyes widening as he walks around his desk, taking your hands. You can never truly tell what lurks beneath a facade as stoic as Tommy presents at times, but as you watch his mouth begin to upturn, your heart flutters with relief.

“Really? You’re pregnant?”

You nod, tucking your hair behind your ear. "I am. Not very far along, but I am."

The warmth of his hug as he laughs with glee is the only confirmation you need that no, you absolutely did not ruin his tea break that morning.

#tommy shelby fanfiction #tommy shelby x reader #tommy shelby x you #peaky blinders fanfiction #peaky blinders fanfic #peaky blinders fic #tommy shelby fanfic #tommy shelby fic

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sgojoenthusiast · 7 months

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ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ☆ KINKTOBER 2023 ☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ

➸ DAY NINE: FOR ME?

ﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*

summary: you had always had this strange fascination with Armin - an obsession surrounded by dark daydreams and violent fantasies that confused you endlessly. who would have thought you and Armin had more in common that you thought?

CW: fem reader, reader & armin are a bit psychotic, depictions of murder and violence, graphic, smut, knife play, blood, finger sucking, halloween party, costumes but make up your own bc whatever i choose will be wrong lol, degrading, 'slut', face slapping/ pussy slapping.

word count: 5.5k

likes, comments and reposts are deeply appreciated! <3 enjoy.

masterlist.

ﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*

To everyone else, you were an easy-going and friendly soul - one incapable of harbouring any sort of sin. Not to Armin, though. He could see right through you and right into the dark depths of your mind even if you believed to be obsessing in silence.

It’d be hard to believe that your mind circled around the thoughts of Armin through your polite laughs and friendly nature - especially considering the kinds of thoughts you were having.

His hands wrapped around your throat. His knife tracing down your skin. His teeth marking and biting you. Sometimes, it’d be your hand, your knife and your teeth. However, most of the time it was Armin. These thoughts never really bothered you but you never even dreamed about experimenting or vocalising your thoughts.

But, fuck, did you think about him a lot.

You should have felt guilty considering the kind and innocent type Armin is. He wouldn’t hurt a fly, let alone you.

…Right?

Armin was well liked by everyone despite his awkwardness and introverted characteristics. Therefore, he couldn’t possibly have such vile thoughts about you. You and Armin were more similar than you had initially thought. Infact, despite a few common interests and mutual friends you thought of yourself as quite different from him.

Armin was a pure and thoughtful soul whilst you only pretended to be so - or so you thought.

If only you had known the kind of disgusting places his mind would wander to when his eyes were locked on yours and you were too deep in conversation to notice.

Due to your obliviousness, you never saw the way his fists would clench when he saw you with another man or how he'd instinctively lean towards any sharp item without even thinking about what he was doing, only being snapped out of his murderous daze when you flash him a sweet smile and call out his name.

The two of you shared a lot more in common than you thought and Armin was determined to show you the truth no matter how difficult it was proving to be. He didn't want to scare you off, but he also had no idea where the line was. Therefore, he couldn't just approach you and admit everything so suddenly or lose himself to the wicked side of his brain and kill someone for so much as touching you (and let you know about it because, truthfully, the three guys who have gone missing these past few months haven't been a simple slip of the finger - he had wanted to tell you what he had done for you but he too fell for the false innocence behind your gentle features which made it harder for him).

That was the main difference between the two of you. Armin didn’t just have thoughts of you laying naked beneath him whilst he marked and teased you. Often, his mind was swarmed with thoughts of blood and murder - wanting to kill people just for the hell of it.

It was getting increasingly more difficult to bottle it all up, though. He was certain his friends wouldn't be necessarily supportive if he told them he often dreamed of the blood of others coating his hands or taking a blade and tracing over every feature on your body with it. Whilst he was a slight psychopath, he wasn't an idiot.

The only person who would understand was you, but he wasn't positive to what extent.

Thats why, he watched silently as some random horny stranger had approached you thinking you'd easily slip into his sheets. You didn't push him away and you hid your annoyance fairly well, despite a few curt responses and a lack of eye contact.

The two of you were at Eren's house for a halloween party. Armin was never really a part person and on the inside, you weren't either. You would typically accept every invitation to come off as kind.

Armin's eyes were filled with anger as he watched the two of you, and when the drunken stranger began to leave feathered touches on your skin - he almost lost it.

He was milliseconds away from ripping the two of you apart before a body cut through his path and snapped him out of commiting a horrible mistake.

He couldn't help but be pissed off that Jean was blocking him and talking to him about some shit he didn't even really care about but he was also quite thankful he had a minute to collect himself and his thoughts.

Moving his head around Jean in order to glance over at you, he could see a visible amount of uncomfort plastered on your face from the man's touching which had grown more prominent since he last saw you. You politely said something inaudible to him and backed up in an almost hidden disgust when he leaned forward to whisper something in your ear, touching your arm one last time before heading off somewhere.

Armin gave Jean a half-ass reply to his unknown question, to which Jean gave him a confused and annoyed look when understanding Armin wasn't listening as his attention had been elsewhere. Scoffing, he walked off, and Armin began making his way back over to you.

Clearing his throat to make his presence known, he smiled at you and noticed how you immediately perked up when you noticed him. "Are you okay? I saw that guy with you, he looked like he was bothering you a bit."

"You saw that? Yeah... I told him I'd meet him in the woods behind the house but, obviously, I'm not gonna go." You let out a humourless laugh to drown out some of the awkwardness. "I'm okay though. How about you Armin, are you okay? Are you enjoying the party?"

He had stopped listening to you.

Now, all he could think of was how that fucker was in the woods, alone, waiting for a girl who wont be showing up.

“Armin?” You waved a hand in front of his face to drag him away from his thoughts. “Are you okay? Do you need to go home?”

He looked at you confused before he had realised that he had been ignoring you for a few minutes.

Simply, he shook his head and offered you a polite smile, before making up some bullshit excuse of needing some water before heading to the kitchen. He was too in his head to notice the sceptical look in your eyes or the way there was a soft pair of footsteps that followed him as he subtly took a knife from a kitchen drawer and hid it in his jacket as he headed towards the backdoor.

He figured the guy couldn’t have gone too far as he was drunk and waiting for someone. Outside was surprisingly empty for halloween. He had assumed a few more people would be out here but there were just about five people minding their own business, not paying attention to the train of people wandering into the forest or the awaiting crime scene about to come.

You wandered quite a few paces behind Armin, acting careful in order to not get caught, however you could have been breathing down his neck and he wouldn’t have noticed through his blind rage.

He was following the sound of whistling, and every so often you could hear the sound of someone laughing and talking to themself - the voice you recognised to be the guy from earlier. He was clearly impressed with himself for thinking he’d managed to pull you. Armin was less impressed, however.

At the sound of someone approaching him, the guy turned around with a grin on his face expecting it to be you - only to be met with Armin’s blank stare and a knife gripped tightly in his hand.

Clearly confused, the stranger let out a nervous laugh as his eyes narrowed. Armin just kept walking towards him, consistent in his purposeful pace before he grabbed the guy by his throat and pushed him against one of the many trees. He slowly dragged the knife up his arm whilst the guy sputtered out panicked cries for help.

“W-what the fuck, dude?!” He shouted, his arms flailing to push Armin off who was seemingly stronger than he looked - which surprised both you and the guy fighting for his life.

You hid behind a tree watching the scene unfold - you should have gone to help. You had never had thoughts of other people dying, that's never something you wanted. But for whatever reason, you couldn’t help willingly watch as the knife in Armin’s hand pressed deeper and deeper into the flesh of the random stranger. You weren’t even thinking of stopping him - yet you really should have done.

Armin’s knife was merciless. He stabbed repeatedly - over and over and over again but you didn’t even bat an eyelash at the sight. Not when the blood of the man was staining Armin’s shirt and hands or when he choked out blood and looked up to meet your eyes - pleading you to come and save him. The only thing that annoyed you was that he probably thought you were there for him.

Armin was breathing heavily as he let the dead body fall to the ground - mouth hung open and eyes staring creepily out into the open as though his soul had yet to leave. He sighed frustratedly as though him killing someone had been a massive inconvenience to him - like he didn’t have a choice.

You hadn’t even noticed you were gradually inching closer to Armin until he started to turn around in your direction, your feet carrying you forward without your mind’s permission.

Quickly, and rather stupidly, you looked down, hoping he wouldn’t recognise you - or see you for that matter. He did have a knife in his hand, afterall.

Armin called your name and you immediately looked up and cursed yourself internally. His eyes were wide and crazed, his hand tapping his leg over and over as he kept his eyes locked on yours.

His mind was reeling - it had been since he caught sight of you watching him brutally murder a man for simply hitting on you.

Were you annoyed? Scared? Did you hate him? Did you at least appreciate the gesture or find what he considered to be romantic elements within it? Were you going to call the police and turn him in?

Was he going to have to kill you so that you didn’t?

He couldn’t do that. Armin found himself caring about very little these days but you were the exception. You were all he thought and cared about and he would do everything to keep you alive - he simply couldn’t be the reason you were to die.

Your face was so expressionless that he couldn’t tell whether you didn’t care or if he had simply traumatised you.

His lips parted and then closed a few times, he was trying to justify what he had done but if there were any part of you that was at least the littlest bit sane, you wouldn’t hear it.

“You have blood on your clothes.” You stated.

Well, there was his answer.

Without another second of hesitation, Armin spoke up. “I did this for you.”

Slightly surprised, your lips parted. You supposed it was obvious, but you had no idea Armin would do something like that for you.

Your heart fluttered, and you became washed over with the feeling of butterflies dancing dangerously around in your stomach as your eyes morphed into hearts and you tilted your head up at him in slight disbelief that he could ever do something so… kind - and all for you.

“For me?” You muttered, your voice dripping with adoration.

He hesitantly stepped closer to you, not wanting to push any boundaries but desperate to know where you stand. You didn’t move or even flinch, making Armin’s lips twitch and start to form a smile.

“I knew you weren’t who you said you were.”

At this, you stepped away from him, shooting him a confused glance at his now seemingly malicious tone.

Armin’s breathing was erratic, his eyes looked like they were about to bulge out of his head and his words weren’t making any sense causing you to become concerned and slightly scared in case he was now planning on doing something to you.

“What do you mean?” You replied, your voice the same forced tone of gentleness in an attempt to try and get him to calm down a bit.

"Please." Armin scoffed, rolling his eyes at you. "No one's as sweet and as kind as you pretend to be. Only an idiot couldn't notice it's all an act."

You tilted your head at him and slowly started to bring your defences back down.

Now, his eyes had narrowed and his face looked slightly less crazed and more bothered than anything else.

"Oh yeah? Then what does that make you, hm? People see you as just as kind as I am, do they not? So what kind of darkness is hidden beneath the many layers of your mind, Armin, if no one can possibly be that kind?"

In that moment, every inch of progress was erased. He'd been trying for so long to ease you into his world - a world of dead bodies and rough sex, all for every ounce of progress to be erased by his uncontrollable mouth.

"My mind is full of you. Full of so many images of you beneath me, moaning and bloodied. In my mind, you're as obsessed with me as I am with you."

Sighing, you were overcome with a sensation of relief. How long had he felt the same? How hadn’t you noticed but he had?

Biting your lip, you took a few steps closer to him.

There was blood splattered on his face and all over his clothes and hands, yet despite that, you reached over to move the hair out of his face and run your hand down his red-stained cheek carefully.

You pressed a kiss on his soft lips and he eagerly returned it, one of his bloodied hands staining the skin on your hips as he pulled you in closer.

“I want you to meet me back at my house. I’ll be a while, but I want you to wait for me. Can you do that?” His voice was steady yet quiet. It was more of a demand, something he was expecting you to do without complaints, rather than a question. So, you nodded obediently - to which he smiled and ushered you along.

ﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*･｡ﾟﾟ.*

Armin had given you his keys, so you let yourself in and settled down on his bed, waiting patiently for him to arrive just like he asked.

He was gone for hours, and it was well into the early moment when you were awoken from a reluctant nap by the sound of the front door opening. Lifting yourself up from your lying position, you watched the door to his bedroom in anticipation for it to open.

When it did, you saw that Armin was now no longer covered in blood and was now in fresh, blood-free clothes.

It had been fairly easy to walk around covered in the blood of someone else at a halloween party without people batting an eye - he had asked Eren to take a shower in one of the bathrooms and borrow a change of clothes after telling him someone had dumped fake blood on him as a joke. It was a poor excuse, but who would think any different when it was Armin? Nobody would so much as think twice at something he had said.

He hadn’t had an excuse for the dirt that he was covered in, but somehow nobody had paid any attention to it. Again, it was a halloween party.

He smiled at the sight of you and walked over to the side of the bed where you were sitting. Kneeling down, his hands ran over the skin off your thighs. You were still wearing the costume you had put on for the halloween party and it was driving Armin insane.

You looked incredible, as always, but something about you in a skirt and giving him such easy access was throwing him off balance and making him lose control.

Armin’s eyes ran all over your body, relishing in every inch that he could see as his hands ran up and down your thighs before moving to your hips and picked you up with ease - moving you to the centre of the bed.

He towered over you as you lay down and stared straight up into his eyes.

Eyes that were so empty yet so full.

Void of any sympathy or guilt, yet full of lust and obsession.

Armin reached over to his bedside table, sliding open the drawer and pulling something out. From the sound of the steel dragging against the wood, you had a fairly good idea of what it was that he had pulled out.

The blade ran across your jaw, sending cool shivers throughout your entire body as you closed your eyes and sighed at the feeling.

“Did I scare you earlier?” He asks, though his voice portrays an unbothered attitude towards whatever your answer may be - knowing that he’ll be getting what he has yearned for, for far too long, by the time the sun rises nevertheless.

He drops the knife by the side of your head and takes your chin in the grasp of his own hand, forcing your eyes to meet his.

As you shake your head, his thumb slips into your mouth and you take it acceptingly. He can feel himself grow harder at the sight of you sucking on his thumb - his cock stirring uncomfortably in his pants yet he dismisses the feeling to focus on you.

“Such a brave girl, aren’t you? So good for me.”

Silently, you agreed, nodding your head slowly up and down with your tongue still circling his thumb.

Once again, he takes the knife after removing his thumb from your mouth, and begins to trace the outline of your clothing with it.

Without warning, he cuts the thin yet tight material of your top, careful not to cut you but thorough in his job as the fabric falls uselessly beside you. Armin takes the fabric and throws it to the side of his room - fed up with the distance between the two of you.

You weren’t wearing a bra, causing Armin’s eyes to widen when he’s met with the sight of your bare chest almost immediately. He smirks and leans down to begin sucking on your tits.

His tongue swirls around one of your nipples whilst he pressed the knife flat against the other.

The sound of your moans could barely be heard from the other side of the room yet they were so clear to Armin who soaked in every moment that he was bringing you pleasure.

Removing his mouth, he licked his lips and grinned widely down at you.

You were panting slightly and trying to buck your hips into his own, desperate for some sort of friction. He ignored your silent pleas and went back to doing whatever he wanted with you.

Armin traced a knife down your stomach. He pressed down lightly so he wouldn’t hurt you but, nevertheless, your heart still beat restlessly in your chest.

“You have no fucking idea how much I wanna cut you up, baby.” he whispered, smiling at you manically.

Your thighs press together instinctively, searching for that friction you yearned for. Yet, nothing goes unnoticed by Armin. He had spent far too long watching and observing every little detail about you to miss a single thing.

He tilts his head at you. “Oh? You like the sound of that, baby? Want me to cut you up whilst I fuck you, hm?” The cool steel of the knife’s blade glides up your bare stomach and up to your chin. “Does that turn you on, sweetheart?”

You look at him lustfully, yet unblinking and silent. Your hips move underneath his, desperately trying to buck up into his own to gain some sort of pleasure.

Suddenly, you no longer feel the blade against your throat. Armin takes the knife and stabs into the mattress, right by your leg. Merely centimetres away from cutting your thigh.

He grabs your chin, hard enough to send you a warning, letting you know of your mistake but not hard enough that you’d want him to let go. “I asked you a fucking question!” he spat, his wild smile replaced with a sinister frown and furrowed brows.

You looked up at him and grinned like his anger was your only source of entertainment - like it pleased you to see him get so riled up. Still keeping your voice to yourself, he was becoming severely displeased. “Fine then. You won't mind if I look for myself, would you?”

His free hand slipped past your skirt and into your underwear, though his eyes never left yours and his frown never left his lips.

A barely audible moan slipped past your lips at the feeling of his hand touching you where you had needed him the most - where you had been needing him since he had come back yet he had refused to touch. Although, it didn’t last long as he was quick to remove his hand and examine his wet fingers.

There was an eerie silence hanging in the air for what seemed like minutes. His face had shown little emotion within those moments as he looked down at his hand which was covered in your juices.

Abruptly, the corner of his mouth twitched. Once more, he started to laugh, causing a pout to form on your face.

“I fucking knew it. Fuckin’ knew you were just a little slut, so turned on by the idea of me slicing her up as I fuck her slutty little pussy.” his eyes moved to your face gleefully before putting on a mocking frown. “Aw, c’mon sweetheart! Why’re you so sad? Best use your fucking words. Don't wanna make me mad again, do ya baby?”

“You’re making fun of me, Armin!” you pouted up at him, batting your sweet eyelashes up at him as though you hadn’t just hours ago watched him ruthlessly stab a man repetitively for simply hitting on you. No, no, no. That didn’t bother you. What did, was the fact he had barely touched you where you needed him to, and how he was mocking you for being so turned on.

But how could you not when he looked at you with eyes so full of love? When he touched you with palms stained with the blood of the people he had killed. When he smiled at you with that toothy grin that could have made you think you were next, and if it weren’t for his eyes, you would have thought that.

Although, to anyone else, his eyes would have seemed crazed and murderous. To you, they were full of love because they were murderous.

He’d kill for you.

He has killed for you.

That thought made you feel special and loved in a disturbing kind of way. Others may deem you insane, but in your eyes, you were simply love-struck.

Armin tutted mockingly as his thumb ran across your chin as a reminder of the affection he holds for you before he spews out more cruel words. “Poor baby. Do you want me to touch you, hm?”

In response, you simply nodded your head incessantly, yet it wasn’t enough for Armin. He slapped you harshly across your cheek to which you let out a strained whine and closed your eyes tightly in confusion and annoyance.

“Use your words.” He demanded. Though, he began to remove his own clothes at this point - clearly as desperate as yourself.

You were so desperate to feel his touch that this only frustrated you - needing to feel him as soon as possible because you had been waiting for long enough.

“Please Armin. I need you to touch me so bad.” You batted your eyelashes up at him and lifted your hips up in an attempt to meet his to further demonstrate your desperation. “I can’t take it any more, ‘min. Been needing you for so long, please don’t make me wait any longer-”

He ripped your skirt off with such speed you swore if you had blinked you would have missed it.

Now, it was him that needed you desperately. You were making him a pathetic mess with every syllable that left your sweet lips and he needed you to fix the problem that you were causing him.

The feeling was fairly mutual, you had been grinding your hips against whatever they could reach since he had first started to touch you.

He brought his lips down to yours and forced you into a sloppy and messy kiss that didn’t last very long because of how much he needed to feel you inside of him. Yet, he needed to remind you of how much he loved every part of you before he continued his ravage on your body.

Without warning, Armin flipped the two of you over so that now, you were the one straddling his hips.

You looked down on him, confused as to why he was putting you in a position where objectively, you had the upper-hand.

“You’ve been grinding your slutty pussy against anything it can touch since I even got here, baby. If you’re so fucking desperate, you can do it yourself.” Your lips formed a frown of annoyance as your eyebrow’s furrowed to further demonstrate your feelings. Before continuing, he motioned to his hard-on that was poking your thigh with his head. “Not to mention, you created this fucking problem, so you should be the one to fix it, isn’t that right?”

Your lips parted to object despite his warning glare telling you not to. “No it isn’t! ‘ts not fair, ‘min. Been wanting you to touch me all night and i’ve been so good for you and you’re just gonna make me do all the-”

Again, the sound of his hand meeting your cheek resounded throughout the room harshly. Your face was pushed roughly to the side and your mouth was left agape - yet, for some reason, you only found yourself growing wetter at the violent treatment. It was more rough than the first time he had slapped you, and yet that made it only more pleasuring.

“I killed someone tonight for you. I killed him and buried his body and took care of everything in between and after that and yet you’re still acting like an ungrateful slut. I don’t care how good you’ve been, I’ve asked you to do something, so you’re going to fucking do it.”

Your chest was rising and falling quickly but you had never felt so turned on. There was something laced in the way he was talking down on you, something so alluring about the shy and meek boy you had known just hours ago was now slapping you and saying such harsh words to you.

There was something about how he loved you so harshly that made you feel so secure when his hands met your hips to help you guide yourself down onto his dick.

“Shit- you feel so fucking amazing, baby.” Armin breathed out, his eyes screwed shut as his fingers caressed the sides of your hips in a loving and tender manner to distract you from the inevitable pain of the stretch.

The stretch was far from unnoticeable - you had taken notice of how it wouldn’t be easy from the very second he removed his pants.

Once he was fully inside you, you took a moment to breathe. Armin complied because even though he had been hurting you in several ways, he refused to give you any sort of pain that you didn’t want.

He let you decide when to start moving, and when you did, he threw his head back in pleasure and groaned at the tight feeling of your pussy squeezing him so tightly.

You were slow, trying to grow accustomed to his larger size, but just the feeling of your tight walls hugging his cock like he had dreamed of for so long had his hands grabbing your hips tightly for some semblance of control.

Your pace began to quicken as time moved and the strength wasn’t so much as painful as it was pleasurable- and, fuck, was it pleasurable.

He was filling you up so comfortably and nicely. It almost felt like you were made to take his dick - the way it curved so perfectly and hit the sweet spot inside of you that was making your head spin.

“Doing so good for me, sweetheart. Taking my dick so well, I’m so, so proud of you.”

His praises only spurred you on and motivated you to start slamming your hips against his own, your pace significantly faster than it was previously.

Armin was moaning out openly and chanting praises and curses for how well you were treating him.

The feeling of the veins on his cock running across your walls and his tip kissing the spot inside of you to perfectly have you gasping and practically screaming Armin’s name at the top of your lungs.

Though, he noticed that your hips were growing tired and more sloppy. Deciding that you had been perfect for him and made him feel so good, he suddenly flipped the two of you over once again causing your mind to feel dizzy. It was soon fucked out of you for good, however.

Armin had one of your legs thrown carelessly over his shoulder as he started to pound into your soaking cunt mercilessly. His thick, hard cock was splitting your wet cunt so ruthlessly it had you reaching up to tug on his hair as your mouth fell open silently as though he had knocked all sound from your throat. The only time your voice could be heard was when an occasional string of moans would break through or when you would chant his name breathlessly and barely audible.

Armin’s eyes were glued to the way his cock was slipping in and out of your tight pussy with such ease. He didn’t even notice how hard he was squeezing your flesh until you were whining and pushing at his hands, and even then, all he did was look at you and roll his eyes.

“What? All of a sudden you can’t take a little pain? C’mon, baby, thought you were a big girl.”

You didn’t have the will nor the voice to protest or defend yourself from his insulting remarks. Not when they were making your pussy tighten even more around his cock which immediately alerted him how much you enjoyed his words.

“A-Arminnn-!” You were gasping and moaning, trying so hard to communicate to him what you were feeling.”pleaseeee, I’m-”

“Just shut the fuck up and take it.”

As if it was even possible, Armin’s thrusts had grown more brutal in force and quicker in speed, not before he left a few quick slaps to your soaking pussy - the sound of your wetness ringing throughout the room and only leaving you embarrassed at how much you were enjoying the contact of his hands mistreating your cunt.

As he sped up, he leaned down and peppered kisses all up your chest and across your neck until he found your lips and locked them together once more. He was obsessed with the taste of you - thinking that there was nothing more perfect in the entire world than your soft lips against his own and the taste of you in his mouth.

You could feel your orgasm approaching quickly, the knot inside of you stretching further and further and was so close to snapping.

You tried to convey this to Armin, yet all you could let out were pathetic mewls and cries of pleasure as tears began to run down your cheeks. When Armin noticed, all he could do was kiss your tears away and let his orgasm overcome him.

That was all it took - just a few tears running down your cheeks and he was turned irto a mess that was unable to prevent his own orgasm.

Thick, hot ropes of cum spilled inside of you as he groaned into your ear and it completely sent you over the edge in sync with himself.

Your pussy squeezed him so tightly throught his orgasm and his thrusts didn’t stop for a second - all of it felt so intensely euphoric that all you could do was throw your head back and scream his name as you finished around his dick.

After a few minutes, Armin pulled out of you and watched as his seed dripped down your legs. That same smirk invaded his face once again as he watched with such disgusting desire.

“You’re all mine now.” He whispered.

Breathlessly, Armin kissed up your body, making his way to your jaw before collapsing into your neck.

Voice not above a hushed whisper, he spoke sweet nothings of possessiveness and threats of other’s lives into your ear.

And yet, you sighed, because it was the most peaceful you had ever felt.

note: im sorry this is so late!! the last part will coming soon i promise even if it is the last day of kinktober today. i hope everyone enjoyed!!

#fanfic #smut #attack on titan x reader #aot fanfiction #aot fanfic #aot x reader smut #aot x reader #aot smut #armin smut #armin x reader #armin arlert x reader #armin x you #armin arlert smut

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writingforstraykids · 1 month

Text

I owe you a kiss - Pt.8

Pairing: Minchan x femReader (mention of Changlix)

Word Count: 3478

Summary: Three weeks later, you're still feeling left out. Your therapist suggests communicating your worries to your husbands, but this doesn't go as planned.

Warnings/Tags: fluff, angst, therapy, verbal fight, anxious!chan, min gets defensive

A/N: After part seven I thought I'd be done with one part more tops...well. Once more, there'll be another chapter after this. Ideas/wishes are always welcome, I'll see what I can include🤭🖤

PART SEVEN | PART NINE

Three weeks later

“And you still don't want your husbands there for the appointments?” your therapist asks kindly. She has been for weeks now.

“No,” you shake your head firmly.

“May I ask why?” she asks patiently.

“Minho has a lot to deal with on his own because he remembers…also, he hates hospitals,” you start and nervously fidget with your hands. “Chan is…different.”

“Different, how?” she responds with another question.

“Distant is the wrong expression by now. He's trying to show me how much he loves me, but I can tell when he gets overwhelmed. He's still figuring things out, finding his place back home,” you tell, and she nods along, taking some notes. “I just…It's not all bad. He gets enough sleep now, makes sure to eat enough, and takes care of himself. It's just so different from what I remember.”

“And Minho? Is he getting the help he needs?” she asks.

“Yes, he sees his therapist every two weeks. Weekly, if it's really bad, she always manages to squeeze him in,” you tell her. “He tries to hide it, but he still has nightmares. He's able to drive again if he has to, but he gets anxious easily.”

“And where does that leave you?” she asks patiently, nodding at the wooden board between the two of you. There's a figure for Chan and another for Minho, standing close next to each other. Behind them are several smaller figures in darker colors, symbolizing their fears and struggles. And there's you. Yours is smaller than theirs, standing further away as if you're facing them.

“Alone,” you say, swallowing hard as you notice the distance between the figures. You hadn't thought much about it putting them there but they're painting a clear picture.

“Are you?” she asks gently.

“Sometimes,” you nod. “I don't feel like it when I'm alone with one of them. But if it's all three of us…I feel like they don't need me,” you say and subconsciously fondle the tiny head of the figure behind you, symbolizing your negative thoughts.

“Do you want to change something?” she asks, picking up on it, and you set it between yours and the ones of your husbands. “Add anything?”

“I'm scared of losing them,” you say, and she nods at you, letting you choose another one. You put it next to the one you just moved.

“May I comment on something?” she asks, and you nod. “You put your husband's fears and struggles behind them. But yours are in front of you, forming a wall between you all. Why's that?”

“Uh…because they've communicated theirs openly with me and are working on them. I didn't tell them I'm scared to lose them or all of the other thoughts running through my head,” you admit.

“Mhm, so theirs are out in the open…why aren't yours?” she asks patiently, and you drop back into the comfortable chair.

“I don't know,” you confess. “Maybe because I feel like I can't put more on their shoulders.”

“What happened when Chan told you he's scared to push your boundaries? What happened when Minho panicked?” she asks, flashing you a kind smile.

“I comforted them, told them it's okay,” you say quietly.

“And what makes you fear they wouldn't do the same with you?” she asks, making you lower your head a little embarrassed.

“I don't know,” you admit quietly, feeling tears burn in your eyes. “I should tell them, right?”

She hums gently. “Communication seems to be very important to keep your relationship intact as you're all dealing with certain things.”

You're exhausted after your session, but you know you'd have to open up more about your own fears. You follow her outside into the waiting area to pay and frown as you see Chan talking to the receptionist. “Channie?” you ask, confused, and he looks up with a soft smile.

“Hey, baby girl,” he says sweetly. “I thought I'd come pick you up, I finished early today.”

“Oh,” you nod and open your handbag to get your wallet. Chan introduces himself to your therapist, a warm smile brightening up his gorgeous face. You take out your card, and Chan gently shoves it back inside.

“Already handled,” he tells you.

“What? Channie, I had to pay for the whole month today,” you protest.

“I know,” he nods and gently zips your handbag closed. “It's fine.”

“Thank you,” you nod gently, smiling as his hand finds yours.

“You got everything?” he asks, and after you nod, you two say goodbye. Once you're in the elevator, Chan pulls you into a strong hug and kisses your hair. “You look like you've been crying. Rough one?” he asks caringly.

“Yeah,” you nod, burying yourself in his warmth. “Thank you for picking me up, Channie angel.”

“Of course,” he tells you, rubbing your back.

As you lean into Chan's embrace, you're reminded of the session's revelations. His warmth is reassuring, and it pushes against the shadows of your own unspoken fears. You wonder how to begin sharing them with him, how to bridge the gap that your silence had unknowingly broadened. "I have a lot on my mind," you finally say, your voice muffled against his coat.

Chan's response is soft, filled with his sweet patience. "I'm here whenever you're ready to talk," he assures you, his hand steady on your back. The simplicity of his promise makes something within you ease slightly. Perhaps sharing your inner conflicts wouldn't be as horrible as you feared.

“Thank you,” you nod gently.

Chan leads you outside the building and to his car, your hand still in his. “I wanted to take you out for coffee, but would you rather go home? Whatever you say is fine, beautiful,” he assures you, and tears brim your eyes.

“Our favorite spot?” you ask gently.

Chan smiles sweetly, dimples showing. “Yeah,” he nods, giggling as your face lightens up.

“I would love to,” you tell him.

When you're back home, the atmosphere shifts as Minho greets you both from the sofa. His smile is shy, a reflection of his ongoing struggles, yet sincere. His eyes light up when he sees you. "Everything okay?" he asks, a subtle concern in his tone.

You nod, squeezing Chan's hand before letting go. "We need to talk, all of us," you say, surprising even yourself with the firmness in your voice. Minho's brow furrows slightly, but he nods, understanding the seriousness of your tone. He gestures towards the empty space next to him.

As you all sit down, the weight of the moment hangs heavily in the air. You take a deep breath, gathering the courage to be as open as possible. "I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed," you begin, your voice stronger than you feel. "Not by you two specifically, but by everything. The fears I've kept to myself are... they're getting heavy."

Chan reaches for your hand again, his touch a silent promise. Minho leans in, ready to listen, to help shoulder the burden you've carried alone for too long. You share your fears—of losing them, of not being enough, of the future that seems so uncertain sometimes. With each confession, the walls you built crumble.

“You know you can always come to us when those thoughts get too much to handle, yeah?” Chan asks gently.

“You're always there for us, honey, don't forget we're there for you too,” Minho adds agreeingly, gently rubbing your thigh.

“I know…A lot of it is in my head, but I miss you two,” you admit. “I can't even explain it, but I miss you so much, and I just wish everything would be normal again,” you say, tears brimming your eyes.

“Y/nnie,” Minho whispers and shakes his head, tears brimming his own eyes. “We have to work with what we got. A lot has happened, and we can't pretend it didn't. We have to find our new normal,” he tells you and timidly takes your hand.

“But we're always here, yeah? You're still our beautiful wife,” Chan chimes in.

“Well, then start acting like it!” you suddenly burst out, and seeing the hurt and confusion lacing their features you quickly get up. “Start acting like I'm your wife and not just your crush you hold hands with from time to time.”

“Seriously?” Minho asks dangerously low and Chan swallows, already fearing an outburst of both of you. “Tell me you're joking.”

“I'm not,” you snap at him. “Obviously, I'm not.”

“What the fuck do you need me to do then? What do I have to change, huh?” he snaps right back at you, getting up as well.

“Guys, please,” Chan tries gently, but you both ignore him.

“I don't know! But it feels like shit, I'm just some bystander to you two being all lovey-dovey all day!” you burst out.

“You’re pushing us away, you know that?” Minho retorts, his voice dripping with frustration and hurt. “You say you feel left out, but you've got walls so high, I need a damn ladder to get over them! Every time I try to initiate anything more than the crush behavior, as you put it, you back away.”

“I-” you start, but you can’t form any clear sentence in response. Minho is right, you’ve been denying him to go any further repeatedly.

Chan’s face grows pale, his eyes wide as he watches the confrontation unfold, seemingly frozen in place. “Can we... please not do this?” he stammers, his voice cracking under the strain. “This isn’t helping any of us.”

“You stay out of this!” Minho snaps, turning his glare briefly to Chan. The sharpness in Minho’s tone slices through the tension like a knife, leaving Chan blinking back tears, his hands shaking slightly as he tries to compose himself. “You don’t have to participate in this fight, but let me say my piece.”

“I’m trying to help!” Chan protests weakly, his voice trembling at the thought of you getting into a serious fight. Minho and you almost never fought, but if you did, it was always ugly, hurtful, and fucking loud. He didn’t like it before, but he could barely take it now, getting overwhelmed. “I don’t want to see us fall apart over misunderstandings and hurt feelings!”

“Well, it’s not just about feelings, Chan!” you shout, your voice breaking as the tears start to fall. “It’s about being seen and heard in this relationship. I feel invisible most days, like I’m just here to fill a space between the two of you! It’s like you don’t care about me.”

Minho blinks at you, and you can tell he needs a moment to process your words. Then he explodes. “If you really feel this way, if everything I do is that useless and meaningless…then I don't know what the fuck I'm still doing here!”

“Minho,” you whisper in shock, and Chan's tears fall freely now.

“Minho, please don’t say that,” Chan shakes his head, looking at him anxiously.

“No, seriously, fuck this. Fuck you,” he says harshly, and you know he's trying to cover his hurt with anger. “I don’t care about you, yeah sure,” he goes on. “I stayed by your bedside for weeks, praying that you’d wake up. I have done nothing but respect your boundaries, give you the time you need, and make sure you’re comfortable. What the fuck do you need me to do to think I actually give a fuck about you?!” he shouts at the top of his lungs, and it has both you and Chan flinching heavily. It’s rare he loses composure like this. He’s breathing heavily once he’s done, staring at you with fierce but such vulnerable eyes it makes you sick. He nods to himself as you don’t answer and grabs his phone from the sofa. “You don’t even know what you need. How the fuck am I supposed to, huh?”

“Min, please,” Chan whispers, sensing how hurt his husband truly is behind his mask of anger.

Minho’s expression softens for a moment, his anger faltering as he sees the tears streaming down his face. “I need a break,” he announces. “I’ll sleep in the guest room; I can’t do this right now.” He shakes his head and meets your eyes for a brief second. “Thanks for the talk,” he says sarcastically as you don’t respond to his prior statements.

You stand still for a second as he leaves before collecting your things as well.

“Y/nnie,” Chan tries weakly.

“Don’t,” you say sharply, shaking your head.

Chan flinches as the door to your bedroom slams closed and slumps onto the sofa, biting back a sob. He blindly reaches for his phone and blinks away tears to find his best friend’s number. Felix picks up after the second ring. “Lix, I-I know it’s late-,” he starts weakly.

“Where are you?” he asks worriedly at the distressed sound of his voice. “Do you need me to get you?” he asks, already getting up to search for his keys. His husband shoots him a questioning look, and Felix mouths Chan’s name. Changbin frowns worriedly, getting up as well and grabbing his keys.

“Can I stay at yours? Just for tonight?” he sniffles helplessly.

“Of course, Channie,” Felix says soothingly, slipping into his shoes. “You’re at home?” he asks carefully, leaving the house with Changbin right behind him.

“Yeah…home,” he says, choking on the word.

“We’ll be there in ten minutes, okay?” he asks gently, waiting for Chan’s quiet hum in response. “Deep breaths, Channie hyung, I’m sure whatever this is it can be fixed.”

“I’m not sure,” he answers shakily. “I’m really not.”

“They got into a fight?” he asks carefully, knowing how much it upset Chan.

“Yeah,” he whispers. “It was bad, Lix, really, really bad.”

“I’m sorry, Channie,” he says softly. Only a little later Chan meets them in front of the house and they pull him into a tight hug.

Changbin soothingly rubs his back. “Come on, Channie hyung, let's go,” he gently urges him to the car, handing him a tissue. “You can stay as long as you need to, okay?”

Chan nods and gets into the car, sinking into Felix's arms as the younger one sits down next to him. Felix gently rubs his shoulder and sighs. “It's gonna be okay, Channie.”

Three days later

Waking up, you notice Chan's side of the bed is still made, untouched from the night before. Minho is already downstairs, the clatter of dishes breaking the uncomfortable silence that had settled over the house. As you walk into the kitchen, Minho’s posture stiffens, his usually warm eyes clouded with frustration.

“Good morning,” you say hesitantly, your voice barely a whisper, hoping to ease into the morning peacefully.

Minho nods without meeting your eyes, continuing his task. “Morning,” he replies shortly.

“I was thinking we could all go out today, maybe get some fresh air together,” you suggest, trying to find a way to get you three to deal with what happened.

Minho pauses, placing a plate down a little too hard. “Chan isn’t feeling well,” he says shortly, finally looking up at you with a mix of irritation and exhaustion in his expression.

“Is it his headache again?”

“Probably,” Minho mutters, turning back to the dishes. “Or maybe it’s just an excuse.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you ask, your voice rising slightly in concern.

Minho sighs, a long, tired exhale. “It means maybe he’s just avoiding us. Avoiding this,” he gestures vaguely between the two of you.

“Minho, that’s not fair. You know how much he’s been struggling with everything,” you counter, feeling your heart rate pick up as the beginnings of anger mix with your worry.

“And what about us?” Minho snaps, his composure breaking. “When do we get to talk about how this is affecting us? You’re so focused on Chan. What about me? What about what I need?”

The accusation hits hard, opening a floodgate of emotions you’d both been tiptoeing around. “I’m trying to be here for both of you and fix this!” you exclaim, frustration overtaking your initial intent to keep the peace.

“Well, maybe try a little harder because I don’t feel it!” Minho’s voice escalates, his tone harsher than you’ve ever heard.

“Guys? What’s going on?” Chan’s weak voice comes from the doorway. His usual bright eyes are dim and shadowed with pain.

You both turn, startled, as Chan leans against the frame, looking between you two with a growing sense of dread. “I just needed some air, that’s all,” he murmurs, clearly caught off-guard by the newly thickened tension.

Minho’s expression softens slightly at the sight of Chan, but his frustration is far from appeased. “We’re just talking,” he says, though his voice suggests it was anything but a simple conversation.

Chan glances at you, his eyes searching for an ally. “It doesn’t sound like talking,” he comments softly, his tone hurt.

“You wouldn’t know; you’ve been avoiding us!” Minho’s outburst swiftly redirects the tension back to Chan.

“That’s not fair, Min,” Chan protests, his voice weak but filled with hurt. “I’m just trying not to make things worse.”

“By not talking? By hiding away?” Minho counters, his voice laced with bitterness.

“Enough!” you finally shout, unable to bear it anymore. “This isn’t helping anyone. We’re supposed to be in this together.” Both fall silent, the echo of your shout hanging between you. The air is thick with unsaid things, each of you caught in your own thoughts. “We need to fix this,” you say finally. “We can’t go on like this.”

Chan nods, looking exhausted. “I know,” he agrees quietly.

Minho doesn’t speak; his jaw clenches as he wrestles with his emotions, but his nod is agreement enough. You all sit down at the dinner table, facing each other.

Chan’s voice is gentle as he suggests, “Let’s each say something we feel without interruptions. Just listen to each other. Really listen.”

You nod, taking a deep breath. “I feel overlooked,” you begin, the words raw but necessary.

“I feel helpless,” Minho adds, his voice thick.

“I’m afraid of losing you both,” Chan admits, his eyes glossy with unshed tears.

The room grows silent as each confession hangs in the air. You all look at each other, the vulnerability shared creating a bridge that had been missing in the chaos of your misunderstandings.

Chan reaches across the table, his fingers brushing against yours. "I'm sorry," he says, his voice steady despite the emotion. "I’ve been so wrapped up in my own shit that I didn’t see how isolated you felt."

Minho exhales deeply, the tension easing from his shoulders as he acknowledges Chan's words. "And I... I've been so focused on not falling apart myself that I forgot to make sure we're all okay," he admits, his gaze shifting between you and Chan, a silent plea for forgiveness in his eyes.

It's your turn to respond, the atmosphere allowing for more open and heartfelt communication. "I've been afraid of burdening you both with my fears," you say, the admission freeing in its own way. "But I see now that keeping them to myself only creates more distance. I need to share more, not less," you continue, feeling a bit lighter with each word. "I need us to really be in this together."

Minho's hand finds yours, squeezing gently. "I've been scared," he admits, his voice cracking slightly. "Scared that pushing too hard or not enough could end up driving you away. But I see now that not communicating is just as damaging."

Chan, still visibly shaken but slowly regaining his composure, adds, "I thought I was protecting you both from my issues, but I was just isolating myself further. I promise to be more present, even when it's hard."

The conversation turns into a lengthy discussion in which each of you takes turns expressing thoughts and emotions that had been buried under daily routines and misunderstandings. It’s not just about voicing grievances; it’s about rediscovering each other's needs and reassessing how to support each other better.

Chan proposes a weekly check-in, a safe space where anything can be discussed without judgment, ensuring that no concern is too small or too trivial to be voiced. Minho suggests more one-on-one time with each of you to strengthen individual bonds that contribute to the health of the collective relationship.

In the following weeks, the impact of that conversation becomes evident. Slowly, the dynamics in your household start to shift. There's a newfound gentleness in your interactions, a deeper consideration for each other's mental spaces, and an active effort to engage without overwhelming one another.

Feeling less isolated, you find the courage to share your smaller daily fears and joys, discovering that these moments of sharing contribute significantly to your feeling of closeness with your husbands.

In a relationship as complex and intertwined as yours, challenges are inevitable.

PART SEVEN | PART NINE

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