#BUT I CANT FUCKING PLAY IT OR EVEN WATCH SOMEONE PLAY IT BC ID DRIVE MYSELF UP THE BLOODY WALL

[elijah-inmymind]

if horror game in horror genre, then why monster have scary face???? i want horror game!!! NO SCARY FACE!!!!!!!!! only horror game <3

#incoming ramble about scary faces in horror games spooking me too bad #just wish i could like listen to it like a podcast #i get this thing where a very particular genre of images #generally any scary character in analog horror will fit in that genre but yeah like big long distorted mouth realistic eyes usually #can be different tho #but yeah those images get stuck in my head and freak me out in a very intense instinctive almost like primal animalistic way #and when i say stuck in my head i mean i see them every time i close my eyes for hours on end after i so much as think about this image #i am not exaggerating when i say i see that image every time i blink #it’s not as bad if i’m just remembering it as opposed to having just seen it but it can be bad either way if i have a decent memory of it #and this causes intense paranoia #like yknow it’s behind me if my back is exposed it’s right in front of me if i’m in the dark it’s outside my window above my head etc etc #it’s really bad idk what’s going on with me but yeah it sucks bad dude i just have to avoid content like that at all costs #WHICH SUCKS SO MUCH #BC ANALOG HORROR ALWAYS HAS THE BESTTTTTT STORYLINES #IM SO MAD #THINGS LIKE THE MANDELA CATALOGS AND THE FUCKIN OTHER ONE YKNOW THE OTHER ONE HAS A H IN IT I THINK #SOUNDS SO INTERESTING STORY WISE #BUT I CANT FUCKING PLAY IT OR EVEN WATCH SOMEONE PLAY IT BC ID DRIVE MYSELF UP THE BLOODY WALL #EVEN THE MY LITTLE PONY INFECTION AU!!!!!! #I HAD TO BLOCK TAGS/KEYWORDS FOR MLP INFECTION ACROSS ALL PLATFORMS BC I GOT MY SHIT ROCKED BY TWILIGHT FUCKING SPARKLE #LITERALLY FURIOUS I LOVE THAT SHIT IT SOUNDS SO COOL BUT I CANT LOOK AT ANY ART FROM IT ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT IT GETS IN MY HEAD #ONCE I SAW A GOOD OMENS VIDEO AND IT WAS JUST A CUTE LITTLE DRAWING OF MURIEL!! CUTE SWEET PRECIOUS LITTLE OFFICER OF THE LAW!!!! #AND THEN AT THE END IT FLASHED A FRAME ALL CLOSE UP WITH THEIR FACE ALL TWISTED AND DISTORTED AND ELONGATED #SOILED MY BLOODY BREECHES I DID. CRAPPED MY BLASTED PANTALOONS I DID INDEED. #SAW THAT WRETCHED COP BEHIND MY EYELIDS FOR THE NEXT 45 MINUTES I DID. #THE WALTEN FILES THATS THE OTHER ONE #NO H IN IT #CANT WATCH IT YHO SO WHAT DO I CARE ABOUT THE H

[ohlukcs]

( alex wolff, male ) did you hear how LUKAS TOZER is applying to columbia university as a FILM & MEDIA STUDIES major ?! the 19 year old is living in the WALLACH HALL. i heard that they got in because they are + PASSIONATE and +THOUGHTFUL, but honestly i think HE can be -ASSUMING and -CYNICAL. they’re a real MAVERICK. oh well, only time will tell if the SOPHOMORE will make it til the end.

about the mun !!

hi hello my name is sam (she/her), im 22, and im a big fat mess at all times :) um but a lil more about me is that i’m australian and a recently graduated film student lmao. i’ve been rping for like ten years now i think idk but i am a NERVOUS BITCH !!!!!!! and it sometimes takes me forever to reply to things (ic and ooc) bc of that so pls be patient with me lmao. anyway, happy 2 be here !! if u like this post i’m gonna assume u wanna plot with me and my idiot and hit u up !!! lets mcfreakin lose it !!!!

about lukas !!

full name: lukas joshua tozer

nickname(s): luk-ass idk whatever u can come up with lmao

age: nineteen

gender: cis male

pronouns: he/him

hometown: jackson, new jersey

date of birth: nov 4th

occupation: student ( film and media studies, sophomore ), cook/server at a nearby 24hr pizza joint

relationship status: single

drink / smoke / drugs: yes / yes / yes

faceclaim: alex wolff

positive traits: passionate, thoughtful, creative, ambitious, untethered, humorous

negative traits: assuming, cynical, insensitive, rebellious, resentful, irresponsible

if he was in a hogwarts house: slytherin

now some more dot points that are just me talking about lukas !!

was born in fort lauderdale florida but there is a vERY low chance he will ever admit that, he’ll just say he’s from new jersey. as far as he’s concerned, he’s always been from new jersey even if his family did move there after he turned twelve

speaking of things lukas probably wont ever tell u but i’m including them anyway: his family is kind of messy. not majorly but like a little bit more than average. he had two brothers, now he only has one. i’m not gonna include a whole lot of nitty gritty here i’ll save it for when i write the real bio and can actually do it justice but its the reason they moved from florida and it has had a pretty major effect on lukas over time obviously

he’s the baby of the family and he’s pretty much always been treated like one. it has left him pretty immature and irresponsible. still learning that his actions have consequences and that he cant just be a total dick all the time. he’s improved in those areas a fair bit since he started at columbia a year ago but he still has a long way to go

he didn’t ever really expect to go to columbia, he’s from a middle class family and his dad didn’t even go to college. he applied for columbia just as a might as well give it a go thing. like maybe it will happen. they had a film course and although the course itself isn’t really great, the connections to the industry available at columbia were valuable enough for him to try. he was wait listed up until basically the last minute, preparing to go to a college in boston instead but when he was accepted he knew he had to go. for himself, for his family, and for his lost brother.

obviously irresponsible attitude has led to some Bad Decision Making including but not limited to partying and drugs. he doesn’t prioritise that lifestyle over his school work (bc he knows how lucky he is to be at columbia at all) but he is a big believer that you need to experience things to be a great artist and he plans on being the greatest artist so bad decision town here we come !!!!

he has a pet goldfish named michael bublé pls dont nark

for more info on him click here to check his about page, no bio there yet but hopefully soon

wanted connections babey !!

course friends/rivals/anything: i am writing these before acceptances happen so i have no good god damn idea if any other characters are film majors but hit me the hell up if they are bc i would love to plot some stuff out

old roommate(s) : lukas was probably an entertaining roommate but probably verged on annoying pretty easily. he’s messy, gross, probably didn’t respect the do ur fucking dishes rule in first year ( probs still doesnt tbh ). but he also has a password to every streaming account plus a phat hard drive full of movies and shows that he is absolutely willing to share with u so just depends what ur into i guess. maybe this connection led to friendship or maybe they hate each other now. im down for either/both 

dealer: hi welcome back to bad decision town. lukas isn’t into any hard stuff but is a big weed smoker (to my understanding medicinal cannabis is allowed but lukas def doesn’t have a prescription), then after that it’s kind of just experimenting. will chat more details if u wanna take this connection

booze leachers: so yes lukas is 19 but he has four, thats right, four fake ids. he is not willing to give u his contact for fake ids but he is willing to buy u booze if u pay him. dont hate the player hate the game

gang gang: pretty much just a close group of friends. i imagine all pretty relaxed, all pretty chill. idk what to say here except i want people to care about him and let him put on dumb movies and watch them with him and probably have dumb matching stick and poke tattoos and hog a communal tv to play mario kart but lets talk about it

fast food workers deserve respect too: as mentioned, lukas works at a 24hr pizza joint near campus which means he’s seen some shit. one of the things he’s seen multiple times is drunk student trashing the place. whether it be vomit, forgetting how to hold a cup, or bet try at a food fight lukas has seen it and he’s cleaned it up too. this connection could be that maybe he helped someone out and cleaned them up and got them back to campus when their friends ditched and now they look out for lukas too and its a positive connection. or maybe lukas hates their guts and spits on their food whenever they show up ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ who’s to say

hot girl bummer by blackbear: now listen here’s an angsty connection i want, and i def want to plot it out way more with whoever takes it on but basic outline of what i have in mind: they’ve kind of sort of been dating for a while but they’re just falling out of whatever they had to begin with. they were never official, they probs def fucked around with other people while they were ““““together”””””, lots of oh sorry ur taking it so seriously i thought we were just chilling bullshit. all of this girls friends probs hate lukas and he definitely hates them back. were probably once really good friends and had a really good time together but they’ve lost it. will they find it again or will it fizzle out? lets find out together xoxo

new girl(s) : i hate the connection title too but i couldnt think of anything better. we’re in bad decision town and now we’re going to thot street babey. since things have been falling apart with hot girl bummer and even before that lukas a little bit of a thottie. this doesnt mean he’s good at it, please also feel free for a part of this to be that they rejected lukas and he got butt hurt about it idk lukas being attracted to them is basically this whole idea and i would wanna plot the rest of it more depending on specific characters wooo

lukas is a bad influence: if u have gotten this far u may have noticed that lukas is not a very good influence at all. this is someone probs his age or younger that wants to loosen up and have a good time and lukas completely encourages that. bonus points if this connection is a combo with the above connection bc lukas is a gross boi and would be like wow listening to my bad ideas thats so sexy and cool of u ya know. but also doesnt have to be that ! could just be lukas thinks its funny and thinks that someone listening to him is just like good content that could get him on barstool

lukas is badly influenced: this is basic as hell but someone that tells him to leave his impluse control at the door and encourages him to be trash. probs older than him and i def see this as more of a masc connection than a fem but like all my plot ideas: lets talk about it. this one probs v much depends on ur character so gonna leave this one nice and short

lukas is good-ly (??????) influenced: also basic as hell and p much just the opposite of above. someone who is a good influence on lukas. encourages creativity and ambition instead of straight up recklessness. again, i see it as an older character but no gender seen here. a lot of this would be based around ur character so lets chat

michael bublé’s co parents: lukas has a goldfish named michael bublé (or just michael), i picture him having got it while high as heck during the day and just being like This Is A Good Idea. maybe ur character was with him and they were co parents from the start or maybbe they came into the picture later ??? i’m honestly down for whichever just give michael the love he deserves pls

and probably just about anything else these are just some ideas, i totally wanna plot further and brainstorm so please still hmu if none of these fit ur character we’ll plot something up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#columbiaintro #( about. )

[fineline-live]

Never Be • lrh

Title: Never Be

Reader Pairing: Y/N and Luke

Rating: eh it’s fluff just bc i need some Lu fluff rn

WARNINGS: mention of panic attack, description of panic attack

Description: Luke never realized how loud he kept his guitar and microphone amps until he heard a girl humming a song about herself.

For the past 18 years I’ve looked out the same window in my room to see that tan garage, the same four boys growing up while walking in and out of it. It was my neighbor Luke’s house, his three friends having grown up hanging out with him. We were all for the most part the same age, their friend Ashton being the oldest by a year or two. The garage was Luke’s bedroom, his parents fitting it to look nicer but also withhold all the noise of the instruments he would play. Luke and I were considered best friends, having grown up together. When we were younger we’d always play outside together, and as we got older we’d settle for smaller things like a movie night or even just a video game filled sleep over. Now as we both reached the age of 18, the quiff haired boy started to become more reserved, only really ever letting one person come over anymore, and that was Michael, myself getting demoted from bestest friend to even just acquaintance.

I watched as the red haired boy pulled up in his shitty broken down truck, getting out and walked in through the garage door. I eventually just shut my curtains, irritated that I wasn’t the one getting to go over and talk to Luke about his day. It’s been months since we even had a movie night, which is rare considering we’d have one at least twice a week. I turned back to my notebook, doodling the smallest things, writing words in fancy fonts, doing anything that could get my mind off of my evergrowing loneliness. I heard Michael’s truck door slam and couldn’t help but look out the window to see him get back in his truck and drive off. He was only with Luke for a good five minutes, leaving me to wonder why he left so quick. I shrugged and went back to doodling, soon hearing the sound of an amp being loudly plugged in. It was probably just Luke setting up his guitar for something.

It was a couple minutes until I started to hear the strumming of chords. I set my pencil down and opened up my window so I could hear better, something Id always do when Luke would play something. The song he started to play didn’t sound familiar though. Usually he would play some type of cover, but I couldn’t pick out what this was. He started to sing along, his voice soft with the music. I pulled up my desk chair next to the window and just sat there for what felt like hours, Luke playing the same song over and over again, perfecting his rhythm and his tone. He eventually stopped playing, leaving me to open my eyes and collect my surroundings, having had sat for so long. I turned back and grabbed my pencil and notebook from my bed and write down what lyrics I could remember from Luke singing.

“I need your love to light up this house,

I wanna know what you’re all about,

I wanna feel you feel you(?) all night

I need to tell you that it’s alright (?) you look fine (?)

....

We’ll never be as young as we are now

It’s time to leave this old black and white town

Let’s seize the day, Let’s run away, Don’t let the colours fade to grey

We’ll never be as young as we are now

As young as we are now”

It was all I could remember, just pieces of what I thought were the words. The tune was stuck in my head though, the chorus sticking out most to me. I had finished writing down parts of it when I heard the garage door slam, Luke trudging out while looking at his phone. He looked the same as he always had. Tall, lanky, pale, quiffed blonde hair, black skinny jeans, and a pair of vans. He hasn’t changed at all in demeanor, so part of me still questioned why he pushed me away so much. I just shrugged, having already dealt with the hurt in the past, not caring enough to go through it again. I closed my window so I wouldn’t have to hear anything. There was a knock on my door, my mum opening it to reveal the sounds of chattering down the hall towards the kitchen. “Foods done.” Was all she said, shutting the door and walking back down the hall. I sighed, wondering who she invited over now, and tightened my arms around my sweater, the autumn weather causing a breeze throughout the house.

I walked down the hall, voices laughing and talking about several different subjects. While walking around the corner I peeked my head to see who was here before taking a deep breath. My feet had already carried me to far to back up, my hands beginning to shake. Liz was here with Celeste, Jack’s girlfriend, talking to my mum about something. Andy, Jack, and my father all having a conversation about a new surf line that Rip Curl came out with. And then there was Luke who just walked in, standing awkwardly in the corner, nodding along to things his dad said. That’s why he finally came out of his room. Liz was the first to notice my appearance, becoming overly excited and loud. “Y/N, sweetheart! How are you?” She walked over for a welcoming hug, squeezing me tight, Celeste doing the same after. “I’m good!”

I walked over towards Jack, giving him a tight side hug. “Hey, dude,” He laughed, hugging tighter. “Wassup, dude.” We both chuckled, Jack keeping his arm around me as they continued talking. Andy reached his hand out for a fist bump, smiling at me as my dad brought up dinner. “Dinner is done if everyone wants to grab a plate!” Everyone smiled at each other, walking to the kitchen island to get a plate. I turned back to look at Luke, a frown on his face as he watched me walk away. I gave him a half assed smile, him not even bothering to return it. I rolled my eyes and turned around, getting my plate of food and following everyone to the larger table we had for when guests were over. We all sat down, Luke ending up in the last spot which happened to be next to me, even though I talked to Jack the whole time.

When we finished eating, everyone sat around the table still talking. I pulled out my phone, scrolling through it as Luke was doing, and without realizing started to hum a tune in my head. I couldn’t figure it out so I just kept repeating it over and over, trying to remember what song it was. Luke had looked up from his phone at me, analyzing the song and his eyes going wide when he heard it. I noticed my phone was about to die, so I got up and walked towards my room to plug it in. As I was plugging in my phone, I didn’t notice Luke walk in behind me until I heard him close my door. “Jesus, Luke.” I held my hand to my chest to try to steady my breathing. “How do you know that song?” His voice was low, almost terrified. I set my phone down on the windowsill and shrugged. “Calm down, mate. You play it all the time.”

His eyes went wider if possible. “You hear me play it?” I nodded my head, not getting why he was so worked up over this. “D-Do you know the words to it?” I shrugged again. “Some of them. It’s kinda hard to hear you through the garage walls, but I can pick some of the words out.” His hands flew to his face, covering it and sitting on the edge of my bed. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. This cannot be happening.” I looked at him confused, wondering what he was so upset over. “What?” He shook his head, rubbing his eyes and taking deep breaths. “You can’t fucking walk in here and make a big deal over a fucking song when you don’t talk to me for five months, Luke. That’s not how this works.” I crossed my arms against my chest as he slipped himself down to the floor from the bed. His shoulders started heaving, and his hands kept rubbing at his eyes and covering his face. From all the years I knew Luke, I knew what the symptoms were.

I crawled down to my knees, making my way over to his shaking body. He made gasps for air as he rubbed his eyes, trying to get out of the headspace he was in. “You’re okay, Luke. You’re okay. I’m right here, I promise.” I knew unless Luke initiated it, touching him would only make it worse, so I kept my hands to myself. I kept talking to him softly. “Lu, breathe, love. You’re okay.” One of his hands left his face, reaching out to grab one of mine, trying to tell me he needed me close. I scooted closer to him, wrapping my arm around him and trailing my hand up and down his back. I rubbed softly as he tried to call himself down, his breathing still erratic. “Let’s count, Lu. Up to five and then we’ll hold our breath for five more seconds. Can you do that?” I started counting, having to restart every few seconds due to Luke not being able to gain any composure. I knew I’d have to be patient with him, so I just kept starting over, giving him any opportunity to join. His breathing started to slow, choked words finding their way out. “O-One, two, three, f-four, five.” He held his breath, counting to five again. We repeated the process together a few more times until Luke could fully regain his breathing, his face not as red as he was. I pulled him into me, continuing to rub his back, his shoulders shaking every once in awhile from a staggered breath.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on?” I asked softly. He took another deep breath, nuzzling his face further into my neck. “The songs called Never Be.” I nodded my head, waiting to hear what else he has to say. “I-It’s about, about loving someone and being stuck in a small sh-shitty ass town like th-this.” I rubbed his back softer, leaning my head against his. “Did you write it for someone?” His breath choked in his throat, his body starting to shake. “I cant tell you that.” “That’s okay! It’s okay, Lu. You don’t have to tell me anything else if you don’t want to.” I whispered. He took a shaky breath, exhaling against my neck. “You’ll think I’m crazy if I tell you who it’s about. Especially after how I’ve treated them lately.” My mind started to race, thinking of anyone it could be about. He hasn’t had any girls over in the last couple of months, so I was left confused. “Try me,” I offered.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. I craned my neck and looked down at him. “For what?” He shook his head with a sad smile. “For just going MIA on you. Just fucking leaving you to fend for yourself. For not being there for you. For being a shitty best friend. Fuck, I’m probably not even your friend anymore after how I treated you.” I sat against my bed on the floor, with Luke leaning against me. My hand rubbing his back, and the other one reaching down and fidgeting with his fingers. “Was it about me?” His breathing got warmer against my neck, his body trying to pull away. “M’ sorry. I shouldn’t have written it.” I pulled him back to look at me, our fingers still awkwardly intertwined. “You said it’s about loving someone? And being stuck in a shitty town?” He nodded his head, staring down at our fingers.

“I got scared,” he whispered. “I knew that if I told you how I was feeling that you’d probably just laugh and tell me to fuck off and stop joking. I tried to push the feelings away, and I figured if I pushed you away, they would go with, and they didn’t, and I fucking cried myself to sleep for the last five months because you’re over here living your live and I’m so in love with you that I start to panic and can’t think straight. And I just got so scared. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been in love.”

Tears sat in my eyes, tears of confusion, and being overwhelmed, and being in love. I grabbed Luke’s hand tighter, interlocking our fingers for good. He started to ramble again repeating all of his earlier words. “Shut the fuck up, Lu,” I laughed softly. He looked at me confused, wondering what he said wrong. I smiled at him. “The more you talk, the less of a chance I have to kiss you.” His eyes went wide, a blush creeping onto his face as I softly pulled his face in towards mine. His lips were soft and warm, and they felt like something that I didn’t wanna let go of. “So what does this mean?” Luke asked pulling away gently. Our foreheads sat together, our noses bumping, our breaths mixing. I couldn’t help but lean in for another small kiss. When I pulled away I smiled, a small giggle escaping my lips.

“It means pack your shit and get your keys because we’re leaving this shitty ass town.”

#luke hemmings #5 seconds of summer #calum hood #calum 5 seconds of summer #5sos #michael clifford #smut #au #imagine #ashton irwin #fluff smut #fluff #luke hemmings fluff #this was actually so cute to imagine #luke hemmings is the reason i’m dying #luke hemmings best friend #best friend 5sos #cute #falling in love #blurb #lh #lrh #luke #hemmings #luke 5sos #luke 5 seconds of summer

[maplestreetsims]

get to know me tag!

so, i came to catfish you all with my updated simself, also i made her with alpha cc bc why not?

I saw @galaxsims did this and i thought it might be fun, so the point of this is to make a simself and answer some q’s so people get to know you better

I’m going to tag anyone who wants to do this, Just go crazy 

   - trash under cut -

1. What is your full name? Constanza

2. What is your nickname? most people call me coti, i had a few friends that called me constance tho

3. Birthday? July 1, 2000

4. What is your favorite book series? i dont read as much as i used to so i dont have one

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? aliens yes, ghosts...maybe? just for the spookines of it all tbh

6. Who is your favorite author? i dont read dont come for me

7. What is your favorite radio station? i never listen to the radio, mostly spotify

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? anything cheese flavored, or like pizza? idk im thinkin chips here

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? amazing, cool!

10. What is your current favorite song? literally queens entire discography??? like i saw bohemian rhapsody last week, i liked queen before but now im like on hyperdrive or something

11. What is your favorite word?  chaos

12. What was the last song you listened to? Somebody to love, by (you guessed it) queen

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? hmm... i dont know, skam, maybe freaks and geeks

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? pride (2014) always makes me feel happy when i watch it, i really like it

15. Do you play video games? yes

16. What is your biggest fear? Ending up alone, but not romantically, more of like no friends, or family

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? i dont know... i just try to be a good person?? like i put myself in others peoples shoes and treat them how i would like to be treated i guess, bc i know how its like being treated like shit and i wouldnt want that for anyone lol

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? my socializing skills? or lack thereof 

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? i like them both the same

20. What is your favorite season? i dont like any season sjdjsdk

21. Are you in a relationship? nope

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? just.. happiness?? not only my own but like everyone in my family (yikes) also my innocence 

23. Who is your best friend? haha ha

24. What is your eye color? brown

25. What is your hair color? Dark brown 

26. Who is someone you love? no one honestly, maybe my pets?

27. Who is someone you trust? literally anyone who is nice to me, that’s bad

28. Who is someone you think about often? my friends, classmates

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? nothing currently

30. What is your biggest obsession? The sims, life is strange and detroit become human.....also queen?, weird combinations

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Art attack! also the cocodrile hunter??? that was my shit!!

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? I know i just said i trust everyone but like....i dont open up, like ever

33. Are you superstitious? No

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? Elevators?? and cars...are those phobias?

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? Behind

36. What is your favorite hobby? Editing, playin sims... u know

37. What was the last book you read? I cant remember fghjkljhg probably something for school

38. What was the last movie you watched? Bohemian rhapsody rip

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? i wish i could play any musical instrument, but i suck tbh

40. What is your favorite animal? cats and dogs™

41. What are your top 5 7 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow?

@pollinationqueen​ @cosmic-espie​ @omiscanking @bloomlet @gunthermunch @cowberrys and @mellocakes ♥♥

42. What superpower do you wish you had? telekinesis??? um hell yeah why would anyone want anything else

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? this is weird but when im riding the bus home, listening to music

44. What makes you smile? my simblr, youtube videos...

45. What sports do you play, if any? i wish

46. What is your favorite drink? coca cola beech! 

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? I dont even remember, but i had to write something like that around this year at least

48. Are you afraid of heights? yes

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? it used to be hearing people chew, but i think im over it

50. Have you ever been to a concert? no, never

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? No

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? a vet

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? idk sis

54. What is something you worry about? my future, and my life

55. Are you scared of the dark? sometimes

56. Do you like to sing? yes, only when im alone

57. Have you ever skipped school? yeah, but i tried not to, it felt like i was missing out and that kinda made me feel like shit??

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? i dont think i have one, but more like a bunch of them? and only at specific times if that make sense, like the outside of that theater at nightime when i went to see a play with my friends a while ago

59. Where would you like to live? mmm maybe the usa? or anywhere where i could get to speak english all the time

60. Do you have any pets? a cat and a dog, Mercury and Candy!

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Night owl, def

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunsets, im never up for sunrises anyways, unless i stayed up all night

63. Do you know how to drive? no but i hope that i do at some point, although im scared of cars

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? headphones

65. Have you ever had braces? nope, my teeth are as straight as me

66. What is your favorite genre of music? rock, indie...maybe pop rock?

67. Who is your hero? i dont have one

68. Do you read comic books? not really

69. What makes you the most angry? myself sometimes

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? Real book all the way, when i do read that is

71. What was your favorite subject in school? cinematography class???? idk how it translates properly but that was my fave, although the teacher fucking ruined it for all of us tbh

72. Do you have any siblings? nope

73. What was the last thing you bought? a bus ticket

74. How tall are you? 4′9...yikes

75. Can you cook? not at all

76. What are three things that you love? this blog, my family and my pets

77. What are three things that you hate? hooo boy

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? i have 0 friends what does that mean? jk i actually would say its pretty equal 

79. What is your sexual orientation? yes

80. Where do you currently live? Uruguay, montevideo

81. Who was the last person you texted? my dad

82. When was the last time you cried? last week

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? jenna and julien, and probably every sims youtuber(seriously)

84. Do you like to take selfies? not so much

85. What is your favorite app? tumblr, or youtube

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? its alright

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? portugeese

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? mmm all of them

89. What is your favorite number? 7

90. Can you juggle? Nop

91. Are you religious? no

92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? The ocean

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? hahah no

94. Are you allergic to anything? i used to be allergic to a bunch of shit when i was a kid but im not allergic to it anymore?? like chocolate, oranges....cats, and dust

95. Can you curl your tongue? Yes

96. Can you wiggle your ears? Yes

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? always hopefully

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? Forest

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? i dont really ask for advice that often so...idk

100. Are you a good liar? No, but i try

101. What is your Hogwarts House? Hufflepuff

102. Do you talk to yourself? i used to talk to myself all the time, but now i barely do it, thats a good thing right?

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? no, i used to when i was a kid but it was pure garbage

105. Do you believe in second chances? Depends

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? look for an id to see if i cant turn it in, if not....well

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? Yes, but only in certain things

108. Are you ticklish? i dont even know, probably not

109. Have you ever been on a plane? no

110. Do you have any piercings? yeah, my ears

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? idk

112. Do you have any tattoos? No, but hopefully i will some day!

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? i dont know....

114. Do you believe in karma? yeah

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? no

116. Do you want children? yeah why not

117. Who is the smartest person you know? honestly i don’t know

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? doing a cindirella theatre play for my school when i was 12, i was cindirella, i dont wanna talk about it njxkcfxf

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? not that i remember, i always end up falling asleep, dosent matter if its like 10 minutes 

120. What color are most of you clothes? green.........i dont even like green

121. Do you like adventures? yeah maybe, depends on what it is

122. Have you ever been on TV? yeah i have actually lmao, it was on a kids tv show 

123. How old are you? 18

124. What is your favorite quote? “We don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents” 

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? savory!!

#tag game #saviorhide #me stuff #non sims #simself #get to know me tag

[jiilys]

ooooooohh i hope "my sort of thing" is less than 500 words too bc its brilliant

i think its way more than 500 words but!! math is nothing!!! thank u for asking me abt this!!

heres the fic btw its them on social media and i took the title from ernest hemingway bc u know what? bitch deserves it 

Remus Lupin to Sirius Black: turn down gasolina

tribute 2 bonnie’s best thought as is required by law

Lily Evans to Sirius Black: tell potter to stop trying to engage me with fruit based wordplay

Sirius Black: he’ll be gutted

Sirius Black: also how did u get this number

Lily Evans: its written in the girls bathroom with TWAT over it

Sirius Black: and u assumed it was me

Lily Evans: well potter doesnt have an 021 number

okay so two things: when i was first was writing this there was a bit above it where james was in the group chat and said smth like ‘christ just saw lil and asked if she was peachy keen’ and then peter said something and it like wasnt??great?? and i sent it to el and she was like ‘cut it its funnier without the context’ anf she was right as always 

also in the tags someone was like ‘021 number spot the new zealander’ and i have never Felt So Known

lily rear ending james orginally was like More Of A Thing but it turns out its funnier if there are 0 details like i like to imagine she full on hits him while trying to park sits in her car for a full ten minutes trying to decide whether to drive off before leaving a note on his car bc u know....... she gotta

Sirius Black to James Potter: im in the assembly hall replacing all the trophies with vodka bottles

James Potter: no ur not

James Potter: cause im in the assembly hall replacing the curtains with glad wrap

Sirius Black: nah im in dumstrams assembly hall

James Potter: we dont go to dumstram

the image of james like.... looking around the completely empty assembly hall.... confused.. next to a garbage bag of vodka bottles...... Priceless 

i was SO WORRIED everyone would think this was a typo but like full offence... they 1000% called that school dumbstrum and then it just got shortened to dumstram over the years and now like no one can remember what the real name is 

James Potter to can giraffes get ripped: if evans asks I dont know who coldplay is

Sirius Black to Lily Evans: potter loves coldplay and went to their concert in 2011

Peter Pettigrew to Lily Evans: james’ favourite coldplay song is charlie brown

Remus Lupin to Lily Evans: if u play ‘fix you’ once james has had one (1) beer he will tear up and pretend its hay fever  

James Potter to can giraffes get ripped: no one here has any fucking loyalty

this is another bonnie tribute cause orginially i had his favourite as like waterfalls or smth?? and bonnie was like. no. make it charlie brown. and i was like. as u wish bc everything, really, is about the princess bride 

Peter Pettigrew to it should be pengu not pingu: sirius u ate all the humus and now mums pissed

Sirius Black: did u tell liz it was me

Sirius Black: say it was lupin

Remus Lupin: do not

group chat name is an andy reference love u dream girl 

also ‘do not’ is Peak Remus like he rlly would be that bitch and sirius rlly is, at heart, a basic fucking white chick so ofc hes all over hummus 

Unknown: so long dickweed im going underground

James Potter: does this mean ur missing bake off

Unknown: no obvsly ill go after bake off im not an animal

would this reference be outdated now whats happening in britain would i now have to talk about love island in new zealand the go to is always like shortland street bc its so stupid that its always in the news so you dont have to watch it to keep up 

Sirius Black to Lily Evans: u want me and james 2 punch avery 4 the calling u poor thing

Lily Evans: no

Lily Evans: do not do that

Sirius Black: wish youd sent this earlier

he fully sent this like right after doing it what a shit 

hes the best 

Sirius Black to Remus Lupin: u look awful did u sleep last night

Sirius Black: go home

Remus Lupin: i cant miss bio

Sirius Black: ill go for u

Remus Lupin: u dont take bio

Sirius Black: irrelevant

this is peak sirius being like Chaotic Good 4 only the ppl he gives a shit abt 

Remus Lupin to Peter Pettigrew: tell sirius his bag is open

Peter Pettigrew: why don’t u tell him

Remus Lupin: im not speaking to him bc he said james glasses’ made me look like a wombat

this is my favourite bit and like no one else ever comments on it but like..... hes so hurt theyre not even speaking............. petty doesnt even cover it 

Sirius Black: it would be THE HONOUR OF YOUR LIFE to get blown by me u fucking heathen

this is everyones favourite bit and i think thats cool im going 2 try and get ‘heathen’ back in the vernacular 

Lily Evans to James Potter: sirius just said i look pretty and didnt ask to borrow gas money after

sirius black yet again being the king of Chaotic Good. also this: 

James Potter: if i said u looked pretty every time you did id never say anything else

hes so gone 4 her its embarassing 

Sirius Black to Lily Evans: heard ur dying

Sirius Black: can i have ur nice waterbottle

i have been funny exactly 4 times and that bit above is like at least two of them 

The Fish Joke was so weird when i first thought of it but i needed a james/peter bit and i was like u know what........ Its Happening Lads

Remus Lupin: this isnt about you do you know what lily said to peter abt james

Remus Lupin: peter was bein all dramatic and said ‘hes dying’

Remus Lupin: and lily said ‘dont be ridiculous he would never do that to me’

Sirius Black: when are they going to fuck

Remus Lupin: yeah i thought it was rather romantic myself

tbh shouldve saved this line for a like live action fic cause i dont think it works as well over text 

Lily Evans to James Potter: at the risk of sounding like a tit im rlly tired of not kissing you

Lily Evans: as in i would really very much like to kiss you now and often

Lily Evans: its so late and i like you so much

Lily Evans: you always know how to make me laugh

like that stuff?? those are the kind of lines that only work over text bc a normal human person would never say all that at once in person but over text there is this whole gulf between you and that person so its just lily in her room saying all the stupid romantic shit bc she knows hes the real deal 

anyway thanks for this!!! this fic isnt actually too bad so!! looking over it again was fun im sorry i took so long 2 answer i hope this!! was what u wanted!

#the spelling in this must be so bad christ sorry el who is probs reading this and cringing #cheers for asking me abt this!! was fun!!! thanks for being interested in me its!! mad!! that u are but still!! #writing bitching #piss off caroline #Anonymous

[dadmilkman]

tagged by @coleil !!!!

holy shit i am embarrassed... this sat in my drafts for like  a fucking year lol

Rules: Write ten facts about yourself, then tag 10 followers you’d like to get to know better. 

1) when i was about 11 or 12 maybe? i wanted to invent a machine that turns black and white/sepia photos back into color, and i was upset when i found out someone had invented it already

2) i love to draw! i try to draw a lot. ive been drawing since i was about 18 but i gave up from around age 19 to 21 because of really bad mental health so ive only picked it up again in the past year but its one of my favorite hobbies.

3) when i was 15 -16 i made up a secret language (more like a code) and memorized it and wrote all my journals in code so no one could read them (finding them again last year i realized they were too obvious to be very secretive lol)

4) i am super bad about replaying video games and rewatching movies. any movie ive watched ive guaranteed to have watched it at least twice. and my small video game collection - ive played all three dragon ages games at least 4 times. (dai ive played like 8 ... we dont talk abt that). ive played tlou 3 times, ive played hzd twice, ive played dishonored 3 times, dishonored 2 twice, uncharted 4 three times....etc etc.... im a creature of habit.

5) i collect glass bottles! i have been for a few years, but this past year my collecting has slowed down a bit. heres what i have so far tho ! (minus a few not on my main shelves)

6) last year when i was super into dragon age i used to spend a lot of time on the wikia page translating untranslated or “unknown” pieces of elvish language. i managed to fix/translate a decent amount and even started translating a common song into elvish (that i never finished otl)

7) i LOVE to travel. my best friend lives in austria and i have  another friend in ireland and ive visited them both. ive been very briefly (like less than 2 full days) to paris and munich as well. my dream job would be one that lets me travel/drive a lot

8) my two biggest fears are zombies and boats. since like 14 ive been deathly afraid of zombies, and zombie video games (dead space, tlou, etc) are still hard for me to play. wrt boats i think im afraid of it sinking and id drown. you will not get me on a cruise ship of any type.

9) im in my last semester of school!!!! im finally gonna have an associates in accounting. i kept dropping out bc of mental health/work reasons so its taken me like 5 years lol but im almost finished and cant wait to be done.

10) um i guess ill just list some favorites cuz i ran out of things! - sunflowers are my favorite flower, pistachio green is my favorite color, 27 is my favorite number, fall is my favorite season, dr pepper is my favorite soda!

i tag anyone who wants to do this im too lasy to think of ppl

#ill put this in ny selfies tag #selfie #thanks for tagging me!! #god... i am so sorry i forgotabt this #i never check drafts on desktop and never feel like typing this stuff out on mobile bc mobile tumblr sucks lol

[slommyyyy]

marvel asks!!

this is rlly long folks prepare your asses

steve: are you small or tall?

im rlly fucking short!!! bitch!!! im like five two!! hopefully i get a growth spurt soon bc bitch i dont wanna climb shit

bucky: what’s your favorite memory?

i have a bunch actually!! im gonna limit it to three bc aa theres too many,, 

SO!!! i had met viv about two months prior, and it was the summer and i was outside!! stargazing bc!! damn b its fun!! and we were texting bc ahe just woke up, and then!!!! a neighborhood cat came, and we talked abt the cat and stars and it was so nice??

anytime from when i was little at night!! stars, catching fireflies, going to the local water park, being at the beach w my mom and eating pizza, grilling hamburgers outside w my brother... mmm man i cant tell you HOW happy summer makes me?? we used to sit outside and catch fireflies and swim in an old shitty pool, and have to go inside ONLY if the amount of airplanes that flew over us was had a factor of 3, bc that number was my fav hgckygvk

fjbueod this sounds stupid bUT!! i rlly love skyping my friends?? like watching vine comps w steph and izzy, or that one time most of us all got in one MASSIVE call and micah flipped me off in front of my mom,, but anyway i had a call w my friends, and they all went out/ to sleep, and by myself, i realized?? these people make me feel so happy?? like i had been really sad for a long time and everyone just made me... good??? i watched the sun rise that morning, and i felt rlly complete man, like a new chapter of my life was starting

sam: what makes you happy?

my friends, music, and art a lot!!! also dogs in general,,

peggy: what’s your favorite era?

dude have you seen the music i listen to?? 80s/90s are my shit

thor: what’s your favorite weather?

if im outside?? warm to the point where youre sticky with sweat, but its pleasant, and dont feel like youre dying. if im inside?? summer rain!! i like the calming patter of rain and the thunder kinda just?? being there man!! watch a movie and listen to music to that jazz!!! play a ukulele or read a book!!! that weather makes me so happy

valkyrie: what’s your favorite drink?

cherry cola!! BUT!! i like the kind from those cool machines at movie theaters!! since like the canned stuff??? tastes brown w a liiiiittle bit of magenta. the bottled stuff??? more magenta but still mostly brown. the theater stuf??? hoLY SHIT!!! ITS LIKE BRIGHT PINK!!! MUTED W SOME BROWNS AND TASTES SO GOOD!!

heimdall: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

dude i cant plan the future tbh?? like maybe at college?? maybe taking time for my mental health?? idk!! also lmAO w my luck id be dead,, have you SEEN how much i get injured??? i fell off one (1) stair and broke my ankle for three weeks fsuvbeieu

korg: are you optimistic or pessimistic?

im actually realistic tbh?? i have a bad habit of looking at things from a point where its realistic to the point where its apathetic and,,, i gotta fix that man,, (also im not including my anxiety inthat bc iF I DID LMAO IDK W H A T ID BE)

peter: are you good at keeping secrets?

yeah!! unless its smth serious, then i try to get the person help from someone im POSITIVE is trustworthy, unless im positive its under control :0

ned: who is your best friend?

no!!!! no picking!!! i love all of my friends in dif ways!!! my friend cc?? my meme-y jam bud who complains abt our english teacher!! em?? fuCKIN RAD!!!! izzy?? we talk abt girls and how we love our moms!! lui?? a badass bitch!!!! kyra and jo??? my b99 buds!!! my brother was my only friend for literal years!!! id say more but this would get way too long i love all of my friends!!

michelle: do you like to go to parties?

lmaO NO IVE GOT RLLY BAD SOCIAL/GENERAL ANXIETY,, that and im never invited to any uyebve

liz: who was your high school crush?

this rlly cute girl in a few of my classes!! im too scared to talk to her thOUGH HBCEUIBS

aunt may: who or what are you most protective over?

my brother!!! holy fuck man i nearly decked some kids when i was little,,, this sounds edgy but my brother had some issues w social settings, so he was bullied, so i helped stand up for him!! we took boxing lessons for two years bitch!! got pizza on thursdays after!!.

t'challa: what is the most important thing your parents taught you?

my mom taught me to always do what i love, and i love her man,, wonderful woman,,,

shuri: are you a good driver?

bro i cant even drive and have a fear of cars

nakia: what causes are you passionate about?

a lot actually!!! rn its mostly LGBTQ+ rights, immigration, and gun control!!! i rlly enjoy arguing, but only the kind where both sides listen to each other, yknow?? bc people yelling hurts my head efvhbied

okoye: do you speak more than one language?

no,, i only speak english and have the german abilities of a two year old

m'baku: are you vegetarian?

no, sorry!! i dont eat much meat tho so i could probably go vegetarian p easily lmAO

killmonger: sunrises or sunsets?

ooo!!! i love both!! i love seeing sunrises in the morning, but i think i gotta say sunsets!! the colors are rlly pretty

peter quill: what’s your favorite song from your childhood?

my brother and i used to SCREECH hooked on a feeling its a fuckin bop

gamora: do you like to dance?

its fun but i physically??? cant?? my body doesnt know how to move so i awkwardly sway to shitty 80s music uekfbs

nebula: do you get along with your siblings?

yeah!!! my brothers one of my closest friends, and even though hes older than me,, im still shook by how old hes gotten,,,, bitches stay off the roads hes got no coordination

groot: are you quiet or talkative?

it depends on who im with!!! or how my brain is working that day!! with large groups im rlly quiet but in front of a crowd or with one to four-ish friends i know well??? ill talk your ear off,,, also sometimes my brain says!! socializing is hard so oh well

rocket: have you changed a lot since you were younger?

hdfubvyuedsvbdsiUHDBSCUI HELL YEAH!!!! dude ive developed my own opinions and gotten a lot more bitchy.... but also ive stayed the same in a few ways!! i still love art and music, and have obsessions really deeply

asgard: if you could move anywhere, where would you pick?

anywhere w my friends!!! 

brooklyn: where do you feel most at home?

outside late at night chatting w friends tbh?? it just feels right

wakanda: what is your hometown known for?

peaches!!

thank u @prcngx for tagging me!!! ily!! but you tagged a bunch of mutuals so i dont rlly have anyone to tag!!!! you monster!! ily!!

#chitchat

[some-bitch-named-destyni]

his name....is not finn.

at like 2:40 a.m. i meet a guy on grindr. this guy hits on me in the typically angry and abrasive fashion i have designed my profile to solicit from men of a certain variety, and so we get to talking then wind up on camera, me expecting the same shit as usual....in between midnight meeting with strange men in unknown and unsafe places, i get my need to self destruct and overcome the mind numbing boredom of sociopathic lack of fear satisfied by getting even more men off over the internet on camera... and then, last night happened.

his name, is not finn.

its robert. but he gies by finn. finn has four les pauls, recording machines...the works an entire worling fucking studio. lives in middle tennesse but has been to atlanta many times bc HE ACTUALLY PLAYS MUSIC MIDTOWN EVERY YEAR SINCE 2013 im watching the shit behind him on camera, the house hes in, the guitars on the walls, the records hanging around the cords and amps and pedals... and hes alone. he lives alone, its his place. FINN IS 23. thats all. 23. he got into it all, along with a little band that came from Knoxville tennessee in 2009 named 10 Years...who if u follow rock, u have to know. this is a massivelt succsesfull mainstream alternative rock act. one of my favorite bands.

so here we are.

its five a.m. were still talking, not fucking.

about music and art and finns ideas on sexuality not being real.

odd for someone whos telling me they wanna grudge fuck me bc i have extintential philosophers words tattoos up my arm, and then jump from a well worded rape fanatasy back to intellectual artistic expresssionary approach debate and metjod, use, deploymwnt methods and how they more prolifically provide correct walls of sound they assail the sensations of emotions in pattern sufficient to stimulate a response.

and were talking, then its almost six.

finn has to leave for "work" soon.

hes recording one of the three bands he plays in this a.m.

here i am, on cam talking like were actually getting to know, and enjoy knowing who each other are, with this man

a sound engineer for 10 Years touring company.

Actually. what the actual fuck is happening right now.

he looks like youd expect, having seen these guys on t.v and all, hes tall...6'1 not super tall but taller.

hes stocky and has bushy curly short hair and a clean face, complete with black shirts, wrist bands, leather vest/whatever material that is... the typical rock guy look. and youngish. p young looking yeah.

and i could see it all his house was fucking unreal the shit in that house, the music, drum sets . bass processors, computers studio monitors mic stands... and just i forgot about itnall speaking to him for three and a half hours bc he thinks so fucking different from anyone ive met before him. completely challanges every basic assumption of society that he can.

but then has the self discipline to make this all happen by his age. has the real world common sence, the extraverted thinking to handle the nessesary tedium that makes it possible for this creative energy to become something, and be used and marketed and produce a way to live for himself.

he confounds me sideways. these two opposite people, one part myself, one part my opposite???

i almost tell myself he wants it worse then i do, but thats not it, it cant be it. id die for it.

i would do anything. id give anything, go anywhere, crawl to china. id lose anything, live anything, repeat this entire awful miserable unbearable horrific life ive had three times for it.

id do anything anything id go to the ends of the earth id forsake anyone, id suffer any loss to get just a moment of chance

a moment a single opportunity is all id need and i would light a fucking fire so large it would blind everyone involved.

so yeah i want this sound in my head out, and onto an album just as bad as him or anyone so its not that he wants it worse.

so what then? why is this kid able to be me, and then some...and also not be me enough to actually be living the life he is already?

is it bc its not real? is that it? make me feel better. tell me that i am valid since im tragic enough to

have this incredible talent and yet at the same time have it come from something inside so FUCKED that having it means never being known, never heard, never shine bright like the fact of my creative passion could, and be unlived, then die never having spoken to the world like i should have could have would have

bc im valid so. bc im better. make me feel better. tell me its bc i am REALLY fucked. not pretend fucked for the sake of fashion in rock. not forced or mimiced or copied. and thats what he is right bc if not he wouldnt be well enough to make this happen.

but then, i know its a lie.

i wanna believe it, but i know its a lie. a beautiful, perfect lie. bc i know if i got the part out of the way that cripples me, id still have the rest to write from and create from. and still be capable of what i have been since birth.

so...im lazy? am i lazy? internally, mentally lazy? like or just for aomeone who loves to take pride in their pain, am unable to take the pain of change inside that facilitates the construction of a life like finns... what is it? do i just watch finn now and wait for a secret thats never coming?

I HAVE A DREAM. A NIGHTMARE. ALL MY LIFE I HAVE HAD IT OVER AND OVER. IN IT I AM 70 YEARS OLD , THO ILL NEVER REALLY MAKE IT TO THAT AGE, THE IDEA REMAINS THAT MY LIFE HAS COME AND GONE AND IM GREY AND WRINKLED AND LIEING DOWN AS I GASP FOR BREATH AND THEN I SEE AROUND MY BODY FROM ABOVE

im alone. poor. broke. in beggars clothes. in the gutter, in the filthy city streets, in the cold in winter. im that homeless decay you pass for the smell and then i die there. and thats it. thats what i let happen. i let this go on unti, i ran out of time to change it, and i never did a rhing. never made it, never finally got the shit insode out, never began to burn bright, never started playing live, never recorded, never anything. the thing inside i have that i alone see the magnitude of, and would only have ever really shown to anyone through true sucsess, it never MEANT A F U C K I N G T H I N G A T A L L

now in this mornings call with finn, i begin to see that dream take shape in my reality. soon. its creeping with an slythe above its shoulder just behind me. im here alone like this. deluding myself that this little computer screen is somehow a substitute for a real relationship, delluding myself that i actually am this sad imaginary projection i want to be lercieved as in this fake little digital world. making due with this as if its even happening for real . as of anyone or any idea on this small machine in my lap is life, or love, or me, or actual.

but here where my body is, where i cant take a good picture of me to hide my age, where my personality disorders are, where i am weird and different , where i am an addict, where i am unconventional and do things others wont want near them bcmof the risk i bring to myself, where my body is. my real body .... here there is not a fucking person with or like me. i have some temporary help as i stumble foolishly through my fucked circumstamce from my family, that ofc is going aay everyday, as that nightmare i mentioned begins to take shape. bc they gonna die before me unless i take my death into my oen hands and then that nightmare i have will have shaped fully and begin looking me in the eyes.

so, here i am. 10 a.m.

fuck this guy.

hes sexy, he wants me, and hes my type as in in another life serious boyfriend material . no kids, no phobics, trans or homo, no issues seeing me as who i am, and then also my creative and intellectual counterpart. and hes not very far like a w hour drive. and alllllllll so it makes it feel odd bc he seems like the worst thing for me, that only this situation would develope the addition of feelings have no room for amidst my chaos... i need to be LESS in romance with ppl not fucking MORE... or have someone else establish those feelings for me either just either way..bad idea. and so fuck him

mean it fuck this guy.

fuck this finn, robert whatever and fuck his life

fuck his guitars.

like i needed this shit? i needed to see this? needed to know him? or to have him that, weird weird convo for that long ...the longest ive spoken to someone new in years at once , and not even wind up wanting me for a nut before he got off the vam etc... just fuck this shit.

but not that it seems like that with him, im a combo of not romantic at all, and already emotionally spoken for HARDCORE by aomeone i am trying and fightimg with all i can to stop, STOP being romantically attached to.. so.. no new fucked romance crap for me please. i mention it bc it seems like what happens to me usially, and for no other reason then that.

but as for what i am SURE OF WITH FINN..for tnat... F U C K him

reminding me that im more then shit, reminding me that im throwing away things thousands of people never get to have or would kil, to be able to do like i can. remininding me that im more then this 4 a.m. methamphetamine induced desperate attempt to distract myself from throwing myself away, and relive the pain again, once more, one ,ore gimme one more time always...always need one more sex session where i live out how my father never loved or accepted or appreciated me in my own head again, and keep that defining pain in Clear FUCKING FOCUS FOREVER. KEEP IT HERE. KEEP THAT PAIN HERE. RIGHT IN MY ARMS, CRADLE IT, CLOSE TO MY CHEST, CLOSE TO MY HEART , EMBRACE FEED NURTURE IT GROW IT, LET ITS POISON VINES GROW INTO MY SKIN AND FEED ME FILTH HAPPILY, always one more man, one more moment of disrespect, one more instamce of debasing myself to remind me why i ket myself almost die in a hospital last winter, why ill be sleeping in the cold wind again before spring, and why ill never walk right again or run at all. why im this old and sti,, here, remind me why im trapped by my that talent im so thoughtlessly wasting daily, and...

finn reminds me. fuck him.

he reminds me im doing it , in at least part, by choice.

he takes my excuse away. takes away my escape.

lies, inside lies, inside lies..... finn shows up at 3 a.m. when ur only awake to do things like throw away potential of this magnitude and destroy your human body.

invades my momemt of distraction from the truth of how responsible i really am for this now, and reminds me that

its still out there. the chance i wanted, the opportunity to get the music out and realize that potential ratner then become that 25 year nightmare i have in my future currently...

tne hope, the possibility, the chance to burn finally

burn bright like a star, and shine so hard i can be seen for miles and miles by millions of people

its stil, out there.

fuck finn. i didnt need to remember that.

bc i am what i predict, i am what i know i will do. i am what i will and i dont have that other thing he does. common sense, extraverted thinking, strength to rid myself the demons so i can at least get it going. i dont have it, and im to terrified to let go the crutch ive found that gets me by with the maniac mind i carry and endure. i am not him, and i can not gather the strength to face the world without my crutch so i can then rise to the talent i toss in the trash more each day. i wont even consider it. its all ive got here. its all ive found through all this bullshit life thats made it even half way tolerable. and weather for my own better, weather i be to weak to sacrafice, weather i be to cowardice to dare to even attempt, or be to patnetic to for once FOR ONE TIME TAKE SOME PAIN FOR MY BENEFIT RATHER THEN MY DESTRUCTION.... even if its all true and i am very very responsible for how this hapoens here...

its ok.

bc that just makes me real right? and ive got that. and ill have it now, the rest of the way, to finish the ride,

all of the ride. ill have it. the truth, il. have that i was so cursed and gifted by the same thing that it overcame itself in me

and il. have that genuine authenticity, il. have that close as i finish this ride. the rest of the way.

all of the way.

all the

FuCkINg wAy DOWN

down down down down the only place im gonna go

and il. see finn from underneath, and everyone else who heard of or knew me from below

where i will burn in hell

[justintimbershit]

1-99

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?XO - John Mayer Cabaret - Justin Timberlake Lights On - Shawn Mendes Bad Habit - The KooksHow Would You Feel - Ed Sheeran You’re Gonna Llive Forever in Me - John Mayer

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?literally John Mayer so I can ask him why the FUCK he played XO in Chicago and why that was only the 10th time ever and first and only time of TSFE tour he played it

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.“Mom’s stumped us. We had absolutely no idea who she’d dredge” (I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson)

4: What do you think about most?how terrible life is and then how much i wanna die tbh

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?“Jena should i get dropped off at your house then we can go get joe & julie?” IOWA TOMORROW FOR ED :DDDD

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?always w shirt but no pants lol

7: What’s your strangest talent?hating life as much as i do idk i have no talent

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)girls r hot n nice boys r hot n mean

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?yeah bc we were in love lol :(

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? idk i usually dont

11: Do you have any strange phobias?feet, being alone but also being in large crowds, idk theyre not very weird

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?no?

13: What’s your religion?idk man none atm prob

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?looking forward to going inside. but working and therefore reading.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?behind bc i am ugly lol

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?um probably panic at the disco but then also the killers

17: What was the last lie you told?“its fine” bc no it is not fine i wanna fight

18: Do you believe in karma?ya i think so. maybe

19: What does your URL mean?i like Justin Timberlake and also swearing

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?weakness is probably just who i am as a person and strength is idk i dont have any

21: Who is your celebrity crush?lmao. you say this like i have one. i have many. like thousands.

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?nope

23: How do you vent your anger?talk to someone usually

24: Do you have a collection of anything?movie/concert/sporting event tickets and also empty gatorade bottles on my floor

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?phone bc im ugly

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?eh. better than what i was but could be better

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?hate is my sisters voice lol love is john mayers voice bc he sounds like a fuckin angel

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?what if i was someone else but not really someone else just like what if i was me with a better life or a differnt life in which things didnt always go so terribly for me ya know

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?ghosts maybe but aliens def

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.right arm some paper hanging off my nightstand and left nothing

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?the faint scent of clean laundry and lotion

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?hm.. great question. i feel like ive been to some pretty bad places but i cant recall any???

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?ive never been to either but east coast i think

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?justin timberlake bc hes one of the most attractive men in the entire world

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?bein happy, doin what you want, livin

36: Define Art.something someone creates

37: Do you believe in luck?yes i do

38: What’s the weather like right now?humid i think

39: What time is it?9:41 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?nope to both

41: What was the last book you read?i recently finished “The Upside of Unrequited” and now im workin on “More Than This”

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?no i hate it it makes me nauseous

43: Do you have any nicknames?jules

44: What was the last film you saw?o fuck um fist fight maybe?

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?the sunburn i got in florida was terrible bc i couldnt walk for a day so im gonnna say that

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?no :(

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?brandon saad being a chicago blackhawk again, tommy la stella, john mayer, reading gay books

48: What’s your sexual orientation?bi

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?uuuuum possibly ??? idk

50: Do you believe in magic?nah but also maybe

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?in my mind yes but most of the times my actions dont reflect that especially if its been a while

52: What is your astrological sign?sagittarius

53: Do you save money or spend it?both. i allow myself to spend it as long as i still have a decent amount saved

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?lunch at panera lol

55: Love or lust?neither bc they both suck when ur alone

56: In a relationship?no lol

57: How many relationships have you had?zero

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?nope i am not talented like that

59: Where were you yesterday?yesterday. i think i stayed home all day then me mary and joe hung out and went to get milkshakes at steak n shake

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?the inside of the bra bra sitting waiting to be put away lol

61: Are you wearing socks right now?indeed

62: What’s your favourite animal?sloths my fav

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?i dont have one bc if i did ppl would like me, tf

64: Where is your best friend?at home id assume

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.whats tumblr

66: What is your heritage?im italian but i was born here and so were my parents

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?watching an episode of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia before i showered

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?satan satan

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?yeah lmao who hasnt tho

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?i think so sometimes but other times im the worst person ever idk how i have friends

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?fuck u boss i love dogs and if u hate dogs that much as to not understand the situation i dont wanna work for a dog hater. asshole.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?a. maybe probably b. everything ive never done but wanted to c. probably

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.fuck. um. shit. id say love but then u cant trust the person you love so like… but at the same time i love love so much i feel like id die w/o it n ya know i dont trust anyone anyways so im gonna say love

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?srsly…..Bye Bye Bye by *NSYNC bc i cant be sad listening to that song lolol

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?9077

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?communication n openness

77: How can I win your heart?just be nice to me lol i have low standards

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?yes i do believe so

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?buying tickets to see john mayer lol that changed my life so drastically. my life is now pre john mayer and post john mayer. he literally fucking sang xo i will never get over it that will always be the happiest moment of my life im crying while typing this

80: What size shoes do you wear?8 - 9 ½ depending on the shoe

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?‘probably died because she said she wanted to die so often that death got sick of hearing it and killed her.“

82: What is your favourite word?fuck

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.justin timberlake. god im so fucked lol

84: What is a saying you say a lot?'i hate my life’ 'i want to die’ 'u should fight’

85: What’s the last song you listened to?Fools Gold by One Direction lmao

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?turquoise

87: What is your current desktop picture?justin timberlake leaning on a car lookin all hot n shit

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?myself tbh

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?uuuum idk it depends whos askin ya know. id answer certain questions if asked by one peson but not another

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?probably cry and attempt but ultimately fail to go back to sleep

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?flying or teleportation

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?when john mayer played XO at my concert obviously

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?losing all the pictures on my computer bc i keep saying im over it but im really not that was the entire past 4 years of my life in pictures and videos and theyre just gone its bullshit

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?oh man. so many. but if i had to choose one justin timberlake. wow bet no one saw that comin

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?literally fuckin no where im seeing ed sheeran in a matter of hours im not leaving. but if it were a different day lol id say amsterdam or boston

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?not that im aware of

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?when i was a smol child yea h but not recently

98: Ever been on a plane?when i was a child yes

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?um lol idk probably nothing tbh i dont wanna be held responsible for whatever happens afterwards

#questions

[shiny-craboo-blog]

@rockformed​ replied to your post : i keep goin away for a long time but theres a good...

what asshole?? 👀👀👀👀👀

WHOOO lemme tell you this is a long one (sorry about any spelling errors i was tryna get this done quickly)

it was actually that guy that we played overwatch with together once.

ive known him since about december, but he was saying lots of homophobic and racist shit, so i was like eh might as well try to make him a better person, but to do that, you gotta get close, and i started liking him (literally @ past me why?????)

so i flirt a little here, giggle a little there, and he falls in love with me. i liked him too, but he liked me to a point where it was obsessive. he was telling me i saved his life and that out of everyone on earth im his favorite. i come out to him as trans one day, and after a lot of thinking, he was like “okay yeah im okay with this” and i was happy

however, like i said, he was really obsessive. he wouldnt let me play games with anyone else unless he was there, and when i tried to watch a show with one of our mutual friends, he gets all upset about it.

eventally, even though he liked me, he started being a real ass. i told him that i didnt really like him anymore and that i wanted to stay friends, and he turned it into this huge fight and ended it with “Forget it... Good night.” - and he used that phrase every (and “goodbye”) every time he wanted a conversation to sound final or like he was going to die if i didnt give him all my attention right then and there.

the fighting continued for a few months, during which he called me a sociopath, narcissistic, not worthy off being called a human being, and all that typa stuff. he started feeling suicidal - even though he felt that way before i met him, he started feeling it stronger because he didnt have me constantly fawning over him to ease it out - and he straight up told me that he blamed me for his feelings.

the fights got reaaalllll bad, and eventually he had a set day and time, and every time i said i was going to call his mom about it, he got really defensive and acted like i was attacking him, saying “dont test me” and shit

he became really emotionally manipulative and just flat out malicious tbh

the day came around and i blocked him because i didnt want to hear about it, and he started yet another fight. he didnt do anything though because half an hour later he came crawling back saying that he needed someone to talk to and that he had this whole change of heart and that he realized what his friends were worth and how he acted really shitty and that he was sorry

but he didnt change his behavior at all lmao

he kept arguing with me, so i started just. not joining as much and not talking to him as often and he got really pissy, asking me if i was talking to other people and accusing me of talking with this guy who he hates (the guy he hates left to make another server with all the people this guy was an asshole to so they could have a place where he wasnt there being a dick and the guy im telling you about acts like the victim whenever he talks about it like?? literally if u were a better friend they wouldnt have felt the need to?) (and i totally was talking to the guy bc the enemy of your enemy is your friend and all that) but he was a real ass about it. 

and saturday!! this saturday!!! he was an ass the moment i joined the call so i left and he got mad saying like “you know how i get upset when you leave the call” and i was like “i just??? dont wanna be there if ur gonna be mean to me the moment i join??” and he said

THIS BITCH

said

“its a guy thing to be mean to your friends. but i guess you wouldn’t know about that ;)”

so i blocked him. he texts me saying that hes been mean because his dads been on his back about college, and i said it wasnt an excuse. a few minutes later, someone from the server messages me sayin that nick said if i dont unblock him hes gonna ban me. so i unblocked him and asked for a reason why i should stay. this bitch. this ass. says “because i thought we were friends” LIKE BIIIIIIITCH PLEAAAAAAASE YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WE AINT

anyway we fought for 3 hours and rather than giving me any good reasons to stay he called me stupid and said i misinterpreted the message like?? how else am i supposed to interpret it????????

so im staying, making him fall in love with me again, then leaving.

bonus: i made a list of the highlights of some of the shit things hes said to me

"Forget it... good night." "i used to trust everyone then the thing happened with my cousin so i stopped sharing myself or exposing myself. then i did over the years with kii then she backstabbed me. then ness and it happened again. i didnt trust anyone and still wasnt ok with sharing myself. then u stepped in and made me feel happy and wanted and like i could trust people. then you said you loved me like you did. i opened up and pursued and got lead on for 15 hours a day for a month up until i got enough courage to try to stand and speak open heartedly and with courage and the next day you lose all interest." "you know what? you obviously dont like me anymore. im over it you win. im done chasing. the goalposts always change. its over." "i cant stop chasing you. you are literally my favorite person on earth." "im doing this once a day from now on. wanna go out" "1 reason i got on ow. *1 reason i got on ow off my psych. guess it doesnt matter to you." “For the record the reason im mad all the time is because im fucking pissed at you but cant take it out for some reason.” “reason im so shit ight now is caught i thought i was at rock bottom and you took me up the mountain just to fling me off. forget it. good night." "youre still online. just gonna pretend im not here?" "hope this doesnt wake you up but sorry for being a cunt." "i still want to die haha. life sucks" "im sorry." me: you purposely did something to make me mad and then get upset when i get mad "im hald zoned in rn im getting killed by bad vibes but im not gonna make you mad ever again." "why did you fool me. i fight with you a lot now and its because of what you did to me and how ive lost my sense of self and all emotions because of you. but then i remember this is just how i usually am and being happy is what people are supposed to be like and im not so this is normal and only my fault so. i forgot where i was going with this but take care friend." "if it was the concept thing then why do i still love you." "i get upset because i have to actively avoid falling for you." "im only angry and mean to you because i dont understand my emotions." "im gonna kill myself saturday at 7:32 pm" (<<<this was two weeks ago hes fine now) "im not gonna do it i just want attention" "to keep it 100 i just said that so you wouldnt call anyone." "dont test me" "eat shit" "if youre trying to make me unfriend you its working" "actual human beings dont pull that bullshit. they suck it up and stick to their word or break the news to the other and dont drag them along." me: every humans a human regardless of whether or not they feel "theyre a human. not an actual human. theyre a human but not worthy of being called one." "in 3 months you managed to fuck with my emotions and make me want to kill myself more than kii did in 3 years." "i think this is the last conversation were gonna have. if you got anything important to say speak now or forever hold your peace. alright youre in overwatch and missed your chance." "have fun with your game hope its worth losing me over."

me: im going to call your mom and tell her right now "and say what? 'im a bad friend and now nick wont talk to me?'"

me: no. 'nicks planning on killing himself.' "and ill just say its someone im amd at trying to get revenge on me" "im not convinced that its not a whole thing made specifically to drive me to suicide." "in queue rather than fixing problems. typical. goodbye, asshole." "what if by trying to stop the outcome u saw you just pushed me away from one of the only people i trusted and now im on a path that ends in my inevitable self destruction." "no thats the depression but i am saying u took away what made me happy." "forget it, ill catch you later. apparently no goodbyes either lol." "bye oats." "the only thing you will ever love besides yourself is overwatch. bye." "are you there i just got back and i really need someone." "beause youre the middle man i guess and it was a test of allegiance i think in my mind." "idk i just feel like not many people actually like me deep down and its a shit thing of me to put that on others." "hows ness doing" "because im done walking on eggshells for you, snowflake. "its a guy thing to be a dick to your friends. guess u wouldnt understand ;)" "sorry for being a jerk. dad has been riding me all week and im mad all the time." "maybe you would get it if your dad ever punched you or woke you up by throwing shit at you." (i know for a fact his dad doesnt do this. there was a whole week where we were in a call 24/7 to see how long we could get one to last and his dad brings him dinner and plays xbox in the same room sometimes. i get that from an outside perspective this may seem mean to overlook, but if you knew this guy, you wouldnt put it past him to lie about shit like this just for attention.) "youre being such a baby over this. its not a big deal, its an argument." "considering you didnt write it id consider it awful stupid of you to think you can interpret it better than the author." "you dont know me"

#babbbles #just like #fuck that guy? #legit thinkin about ruinin his entire life. telling future employers hes racist and stuff.

[apricotflowerp0t-blog]

Old poems

these are all of MY older poems going from 2014-2017

found my wattpad from ages ago and im going to be posting my old poems every now and then so pls dont make fun of me these are old but i WILL eventually start to post my newer work soon xxxxx 

 Suicide stays on my mental

Wondering what's really gonna happen when I finally break thru

When I finally get fed up and sick of the shit

When I finally sit there and decide to quit

The only thing that's stopping me is my own hand

Feels like nobody really there like it's all just an act

I really don't have nobody that truly got my back

Every single one of you is fake and fucking temporary

Nobody gonna b satisfied till I finally end it

Till I finally get pushed to the point and say fuck it

You think I'm all talk but watch one day I'll show you

When I finally get the guts to just end it cuz see I don't even know you

I could cut it off quick like I got nothing to live for

Cuz see I'm truly careless like it don't even matter

You not gonna b happy till my brains really splatter

Suicide crosses my mind often

I wonder what I look like inside of a coffin

I have a handful of attempts but see when I get to that point I hear this voice in my head don't know if it's god, satan, or just somebody dead

The voice always tells me to stop and I end up listening but I'm learning to ignore them and eventually you'll see my blood glistening

I turn it into jokes so I don't have to deal with it

So I don't have to accept the fact that I'm not good or how I'm misunderstood

Suicide all in my head Wondering what's gonna happen if I end up dead

When I say goodbye and go to the sky Don't miss me then cuz we both know it's pretend 

-c.m

(2014)

i rolled with the punches

although sometimes it felt as if i was getting jumped

i can still taste the tears of regret

i can feel the feeling of mental abandonment

i hold my breathe all day

and fucking gasp for air at night

you were the same as everyone else

you changed me and not for the good

i hate the fact that i can not hate you

you made me feel so alone

i loved you and you loved to make me cry

i didnt care bc you were the only one there

yet you made me want to pull out my hair

its like you hated me more than you loved me

you got a kick out of hurting my heart and watching me fall apart

i got a kick out of having someone to call my own

you made me feel ugly and worthless

made me feel like i was not worth it

your words would cut me like sharp piks

your voice was frightening like the scary music in a horror film

but our memories still cross my mind from time to time

i would look into your eyes and you would always look back

so tell me did why did you have to hurt me

why did you have to make me feel even more forsaken

you lied to me so much that i never knew the truth

and i think thats starting to happen with this new girl too

see youve changed me and not for the better

now i can never trust someone fully it just wont b the same

and to this day i still cringe when i hear your name

i see the good in all people and see thats my problem

i should of turned around as soon as you walked in

young thoughts that walk thru my mind but only sometimes

(2015)

-c.m

i’ve lived in a life of heaven examined as a world of sin

your eyes are the fences to heaven within

each day i will tell you your worth

that you are my personal guardian angel here on earth

that you are my sunshine on a dark day

that by your side i will stay until the day we turn gray

you showed up right in time

for you any hill i will climb

cariño, sólo pienso en ti

without you id b empty

you are truly a blessing

the thought of losing you is quite depressing

you are my favorite daydream

when i look at you i can tell your eyes gleam

make you climax till you scream

for you id do anything

-c.m

(2017)

i get happy over little stuff

i like words like shit and fuck

i dont enjoy having friends

i see the world thru a thick lens

i have a dog named junior

yeah hes rad and gnarly

i dont ever go to parties

and i dont like 2 say sorry

all my thoughts are glitter and sparkly

im looking for myself like safari

i like girls more than boys

i play with they emotions like toys

a lot of people crush on me

always rushing and nudging me

they like the way that im raw and how i put them in awe

i hit my head on the wall

i act like i am above all

im always laughing like im off alcohol

i find everything funny

like how my mom just dont love me

dirty everyone has done me

how everyone likes to just judge me

they like how im chubby and lovely

i like music a lot

my thoughts are always nonstop

sometimes they call me flowerpot

i like to drink tea and not soda

im the sickest, ebola

i hate the winter its too cold

in the summer i grow

i like stickers and socks

i like the jellies and boondocks

i like anime and hentai

i dont like to lie or cry

im sweet like pumpkin pie

i hit that bitch in her eye

i own nothing but ripped vans

but one day youll see me driving that benz

i like strawberry shakes

and to make girls legs quake

i keep them wet, the great lakes

i like long walks by myself

i cant reach the top shelf

i think tattoos and piercings are cool

trust no one, thats my rule

i like oldies and funk

im clumsy like an old drunk

i dont like to come out my bubble

it always seems to put me in trouble

i hate to hate

to me you may never relate

i get happy over little stuff

i put up this front like im tough

i seem to carry bad luck

im the best, hands up

-c.m

(2014)

screaming 666

my feelings mix

wonder what he has in his bag of tricks

my eyes continue to drip

i feel my soul as it slips

should i give it to him or keep it for myself

my soul is cold like an ice shelf

hes called for my name himself

shall i continue to be forever alone by oneself

or give it away to be loved and admired

my patience is expired

singing by myself like a lonely choir

wondering what it feels like to be sincerely supported and appreciated

wondering why i was even created

the fearsome part is is that i am not afraid

ive often thought about giving my psyche for trade

it walks across my mind often

i continue to live a life of no precaution

i sin often

so whats the point

why am i waiting

should i give it up and inside become rotten

or stay on the safe side and still disappoint

wondering if that deal would be worth it

cuz everyone knows im not perfect

-c.m

(2017)

god treated my sexuality like a joke

ive always knew but i never spoke

the day they found out everything went rabbid

acting like my choice of companions was just a bad habbit

ugly words thrown at me like queer and fruitcake

fruitcake to every christmas dinner that i am no longer welcomed at

not wanting me to walk in front of them like a black cat

get up everyday wearing the word faggot like an expensive pair of sunglasses

take the time to cross the street just so you dont  have to share a sidewalk with me

die of thirst so they dont have to use the same water fountain as me

that i should just like he and not she

saying that i am a sin and you will pray for me

cuz im homo you act like im ill like im missing chromos

think its a shame so you back out of my life in slow-mo

that girl es asqueroso y loco

then to accept me you rather push me on the streets like a hobo

sorry that i cannot be saved and you cant just wash this sin away

at the end of the day i dont care if you stay

-c.m

(2016)

Hi my angel

I hope all is well

I hope you still look down on me while I sit in this empty cell

No it's not jail but simply life now

I thought I could never do it without you but look at me now

I miss you dearly and still cry often

Wondering why you had to lay in that coffin

The thought of you still makes my eyes tear

The fact that I will never see you again makes me want to throw a chair

I forgot what your voice sounds like and even your laugh

I'd give anything up to take all that back

My first mother, father and friend

I'd kill someone to see you just once again

I miss you my angel more than anything I've took grip of

I hope you still look down from way up above

Always in my heart my one and true love

Goodbye for now but I'll see you again

Forever my angel till we meet again

-c.m

(2016)

#poetry

[xo-hesitant]

heres a major FUCK YOU to-

adults who say bad things about another kid to their parents. like “oh i dont know- your kid looked like they were texting and driving today but i dont know”- it doesnt matter if you dont like them or they dont like you- if you purposefully tell the parent that they did something bad even if they didnt, then fuck you. if youre rushing to tell that parent even if they did do something mildly bad (like told a kid to fuck off because they were standing up for someone else) just because you want them to get in trouble or are playing devils advocate, fuck you. causing shit like that especially when you know the parent goes above and beyond in punishment is fucking sick. making a parent believe that their kid did something bad when they didnt is fucking sick. you dont know the full story. you dont know anything and you shouldnt have a say in punishment or homelife- heres what you may not know. that parent is abusive. maybe sexually, physically, verbally, emotionally, mentally ABUSIVE. i dont know about other kids, but my mom hearing shit about me that isnt true AND basing punishments and verbal assaults on those facts alone is fucking terrifying and i cant do anything about it. im so sick of fearing to go home and get in a fight with my mom just because another adult decided to start shit. i dont know what gets said about me- and i wont know until i get home and my mom decides to crucify me for it. if you as a parent believe you have a right to tell another parent that their kid is doing something- whether its bad or not- FUCK YOU. fuck you because you dont know what goes on. fuck you- because of you I am Screamed at, Insulted, and called names by my own mom. Doesnt Matter If What You Said Is True Or Not- it Doesnt Stop Her. especially fuck you in rural districts where everyone knows everyone and everything that goes on. To her, Im Something Only a Mother Could Love, yet she Doesnt.

A fight once started at my house because a Parent.Adult.Person. decided they should ‘Call and Inform.Notify.Establish The Fact’ that i am friends with a transgender boy in my school and i stick up for him when hes bullied. this is because an adult thought to get involved with something they shouldnt have. Another started because a crusty ass old lady talked shit in a salon about my haircut and the hair stylist told my mom and my mother came home and called me a d*ke along with more things. Yet another started when a coworker of my mothers told her that I was eating a big meal at Dairy Queen one time. Joked about how id get fat unless i ate so much bc my mom didnt feed me. He didnt know my mom would come home and accuse me of telling people she starves me (she doesnt- but she tells me to stop eating and to borderline starve myself and wont let me eat snacks if she knows i had an 'unhealthy’ breakfast) Or what about the time another coworker of my moms told her that it looked like i texted and drove- WHICH I DIDNT. i NEVER DID. he said it looked like i was always looking down but i WASNT. How about the times when Im walking around with friends and someone will text my mom saying Im walking with people and she will call and demand to know who im with. My mom has fucking spies who watch for my car and watch for me in public places. It sound ridiculous but im not fucking kidding. She is just waiting for me to do something wrong. She will come into my place of work during the summer to see how i dressed. She will pick out flaws and tell me to wear makeup. Another time i came home from school where my mom told me I looked like a 'welfare child’ which is wrong in so many ways and not in the fact she told me i looked like that but the fact that 'welfare children’ dont always look bad. She insults me right in front of other adults who jump to defend her when i say i dont care about her opinion on my interest in comic books. They call me the disrespectful bitch because I told my mom to stop telling me to change. She plays herself out to be the victim- like im the one telling her to starve herself and that shes messed up and that she needs therapy. Shes acting like im the one who gets anal about the littlest details. The daily onslaught of fucking hideous comments made to me about me are sickening and every goddamn day is a struggle. Im sorry im a Burden, a Pest, a Nuisance, an Annoyance, and a fucking Bitch. But Fuck You Anyway.

“You know we wouldn’t have as many issues at home if it werent for you, right?” -My Mom. Exact Words. and ah what a way with words she has. please continue to ridicule me and exclude me.

Major Fuck You to the adults.people.parents who Helped Her Abuse Me And Get Away With It and Support Her In Doing So.

#abuse #tw; abuse #abuse mention #actualabusevictim #victim #abusive parents #abusive mother #emotional abuse #emotionally damaged #damaged #trauma #traumavictim #actualtrauma #parenting #psa #fuck you #mommy issues #daddy issues #me #mine #personal #ok to rb

[taylornock]

I waited 19 years for lollapalooza

its wednesday, and three nights ago - on sunday august 4th, the last performance of the lollapalooza festival weekend had just wrapped up; a beautiful concert by the female pop queen Miss Ariana Grande.

music has basically always been a HUGE part of my life; ever since my cousins showed me the fateful X factor videos of one direction that they had no idea would spiral into an unhealthy obsession of many years with 5 british boys who will never know my name or face. but that story deserves a whole nuther post!

i simply cannot imagine what the world would be like without the power of music. it is on literally everywhere, in every store + restaurant, in every car you step into, and playing in the streets of crowded cities with every breath of air you take outside. music is so common and so present in life that the mere idea of silence drives me up a wall; i have no appreciation for silence and almost always need music at least in the background so that silence is not so haunting as i make it out to be. i am blessed to live in a generation where if i want to hear a song, its not like i need to haul my ass over to the jukebox and dig for coins to hear it; i can crack open my AirPods…. (soft flex) case and queue it up on spotify in like, 20 seconds. sorry, i cant hear you was that someone poor speaking? (kidding)  as i said, i hate silence so much even cleaning my room is too much for me without some track playing even if i have heard it 300 times over.

the trend and infatuation with celebrities that plays a huge role in our generation also plays into the concept of music, as now just hearing our favorite artists / records is not enough; we now have access to unlimited media about their lives and who they are as people. not only can we hear their story through the music, but through all that they are willing to share outside of the studio. the ease and accessibility i have today is something i try not to take for granted.

theres something about music that makes you feel connected… connected to something, for lack of better word. the release of serotonin (science fuck ya) that is initiated when u hear your favorite song or your favorite voice is literally a chemical release triggered by something that you love. your body functions and emotions are connected when it comes to music! i think its cool, if i am even explaining this concept right. but, aside from science; nothing beats the feeling in your stomach when your favorite song is blaring. for me, when i hear the intro to Freaky Friday or Mona Lisa i feel like a new woman and am ready to go absolutely apeshit. when i hear the intro to cough syrup or the climb, my heart drops so low and i feel emotions i didnt know i needed to feel. when Feeling Whitney by post malone comes on, the ex i never had runs through my mind; and even though i relate to about 5% of what Post sings about in that song, it feels so so undeniably real to me and like i can sympathize with him through his heartache. im rambling clearly, but the main point here is MUSIC! IS POWeRFUL! TO THE SOUL BAYBEEE

so, furthermore, to explain the title. this past weekend i attended the lollapalooza festival in chicago with my mf sisters, my best friends.  + thousands of more people willing to pay over $400 for the music - or the instagram - either resonates with me. i talk about the connection you can feel with music, and literally NOTHING can surpass the feeling of that connection LIVE; when the artists that you have been screaming in the car to work everyday are there with you on stage, singing the same lyrics you feel like you may as well have written yourself at this point. concerts are one of my favorite things to do, as few things can make me as happy as i am when the band emerges onto the stage to start the set and that first beat hits to make you feel at home. this sounds cheesy and dumb but i promise its JUST HOW I FEEL I MEAN CMON youre telling me you wouldnt get chills hearing the first note of Redbone by Childish Gambino live? youre wrong. ~and not only do you feel that connection with the artist. but the people who are watching and singing beside you. i LOVE the concept of being able to talk to the homies around me who are all here for the exact same reason; to see the artist up on that stage. literally they could be anywhere in the world; but they are at the same damn festival and sweating it out in the same damn heat, dehydrated for the same damn reason you are…… to connect with the voice behind the albums they have on repeat. it will never not amaze me that 100,000+ people all come to the same place to hear hundreds of artists for four days. thats a fuck ton! i met lots of cool people this weekend, and even if i only talked to them for 20 seconds EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION mattered to me. its the little things. i will take my brand of being a people person to my grave and i love talking to people…. even if its an awkward interaction that makes me pee of laughter on Halstead Ln on the sidewalk (thats a story for the books).

the best best best best thing about this trip is that i got to experience it with my MOFO BUDDIES!!!!! i love these girls so much and i know i don’t say it enough - but they truly do mean the world to me and i have no doubt that without them there is no way the experience would have been the same. these are the girls that can make me laugh, that can make fun of things we shouldn’t make fun of together, that can turn a bike ride home into a 15 minute rave, and can make something like braiding hair so much fun. getting ready together every morning was so much fun, and i wish i could wake up and pour glitter in my friends hair every day. id be the happiest person alive!! i am not kidding you when i say i laughed harder on this trip than i have in MONTHS! everything was so funny, and maybe that was the exhaustion or maybe its because we are all (self declared) crackheads at heart. either way, i love these people so much because they can make the most basic things into crazy fun memories that i will never forget about. that dunkin donuts on the corner of diversey + halstead? i will forever associate with the foolery that elisa and i got into with the employees who didnt speak english and our dumbasses who couldn’t hear well enough to communicate through the accents. every time i get in an uber ill probably have a flashback to one of the weird drivers we had who either 1) hated us or 2) offered to take us to a dispensary for weed bc she thought we were cool. THERE IS REALLY NO IN BETWEEN lol. there are a million and 1 memories about the dumbest shit that will only be funny to the 5+ of us. so im not gonna put them here, just know that if u ever ask me to grab you a slim jim theres a 90% chance i will collapse in laughter because of a dumb 2 minute interaction in an Indiana rest stop that sent us all into hysterics.

i feel like these words are a little all over the place, but after a summer full of a stress + a year full of college stress and building anxiety, i didnt know how much i needed lollapalooza. i didnt know that wristband would make me so happy and have as much of an impact on my life as it did. i didnt know when i bought the ticket that this may have been the best weekend of my life, in 19 years. i waited 19 years for this experience and i didnt even know that it was waiting on me. and thats one of the most beautiful parts of life - you never know what the next day brings so you might as well say fuck it and do what you want or it will never come.

see you next year lollapalooza, shoutout to my parents for trusting me to navigate chicago by myself and have a weekend that ill tell your grandkids about some day. thanks for trusting me enough not to take street molly at the EDM stage! even though the offer was tempting, i listened to what you and D.A.R.E taught me about taking questionable narcotics from strangers.

“if someone offered me molly right now id honestly take it”

elisa, abby, julia, + chloe: id do a n y t h i n g to go back to last wednesday when we began all this. i love u all so mucho xx

xoxoxoxoxooxoxo

sad tender gossip girl; currently listening to sweet music by HOZIER wus good ????

#lolla #music #friends #i #love #you

[shrubforhire]

Asks 1-99

i rly thought i was in the clear,,,

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? inevitable by orla gartland nine in the afternoon by panic! fake happy by paramore epic III from hadestown say my name from beetlejuice haunted house by sir babygirl

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? hayley williams

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. Tally ran toward the garden.

4: What do you think about most? going back to school

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? Good! Morning!

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? clothes on,,, my family dont b respectin boundaries how yall live like that

7: What’s your strangest talent? i can make my eyes shake

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) girls... are so pretty and wonderful and they could do whatever they want to me. boys.... can be p cool sometimes

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? yes!!!! my girlfriend wrote me a sonnet eeeeee

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? i......cant remember

11: Do you have any strange phobias? nah

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? probably

13: What’s your religion? jew by blood

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? going somewhere else

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind, i always look weird on camera

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? paramore

17: What was the last lie you told? i told my mom her fitbit isnt a worse model

18: Do you believe in karma? yea

19: What does your URL mean? i made it when i was finally mostly sure i was a lesbian but it kinda leaves some ambiguity. and now its just kinda like hey maybe lets not

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? im super insecure; im persistent

21: Who is your celebrity crush? stephanie scott

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? no

23: How do you vent your anger? pacing & long walks, doing something else

24: Do you have a collection of anything? i have hella pokemon dolls i used to collect

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? i like talking on the phone cause then im not thinking abt my appearance the whole time

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? almost

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? knife on a plate; hot metal going into liquid

28: What’s your biggest “what if”? what if they dont like me

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yea, and no

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. a pillow. my own leg

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? nothing lol, its just air

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? texas

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? east coast

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? uhhhhhh,,,,, i guess like a younger billie joe armstrong

35: To you, what is the meaning of life? to be happy!

36: Define Art. something that makes you feel stuff!

37: Do you believe in luck? yea

38: What’s the weather like right now? sunny, but not deadly hot yet

39: What time is it? 10:43

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? yes, no i have not yet knock on wood babeyyy

41: What was the last book you read? boleslavsky lmao

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? YES

43: Do you have any nicknames? lil c, mini straub

44: What was the last film you saw? arthur

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? i tripped and my cheek got stabbed with the corner of a coffee table and i had to get stitches

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? no

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? musescore

48: What’s your sexual orientation? less bien

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? not rly lol, no ones rly cared enough to do tht

50: Do you believe in magic? a lil

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? yes, but after 4 years i give them a second chance

52: What is your astrological sign? taurusss

53: Do you save money or spend it? save

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? a subway sandwich

55: Love or lust? love

56: In a relationship? y e s hehehhhe

57: How many relationships have you had? techincally, 3. but the first 2 lasted for like 2 weeks so they really dont count. p much just this 1

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no :(

59: Where were you yesterday? at work lol

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? a spray bottle

61: Are you wearing socks right now? no ;)

62: What’s your favourite animal? giraffe

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? god i wish i had one,,, usually just tryna not b annoying lol

64: Where is your best friend? at rehearsal

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. positivewlwvibes lesbian-bottom-memes meaningfulsuggestion okay-pie atomicanderson haha bitchessssss

66: What is your heritage? white people soup

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? watching danny gonzalez 

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name? hellman

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? no, i only clock out when I've worked my 9 hours. but noice q 69

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? yea,, i send memes and im a crackhead

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? this job is seasonal bitch,,,, save that mf pupper

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? i would tell my pals, i would spend all of my money doing dumb shit, and id be scared as fuck bitch!!

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. this is a weird fucking q. i guess trust bc its a form of love

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? girls like girls

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 6071

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? communication, checking in w the other person, making sure everything is all good

77: How can I win your heart? playing a song,,,,, bonus points if u wrote it ohymogd

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? yes absolutely

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? moving away from home for college

80: What size shoes do you wear? 6 1/2

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? pepparoni and chaese

82: What is your favourite word? effervescent 

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. tubes

84: What is a saying you say a lot? we cant all be winners

85: What’s the last song you listened to? i got you by karmin

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? lavender and p much any pastels

87: What is your current desktop picture? the gravity falls floating stan balloon that says i eat kids

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? i’d say trump, but then we’d have pence and it would be worse. 

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? idk,, theres so much embarrassing shit you could ask me i rly cant narrow it down

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? say whats up bro

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? telekinesis

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? going to the beach w pals and riding bikes and looking at the ocean :’)

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? my dads existence rofl

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? hayley. mf. williams

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? maryland

96: Do you have any relatives in jail? not anymore!

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? nope

98: Ever been on a plane? yup

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? raid the ice concentration camps