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angels-heap · 6 months

Note

I would love any advice you have for protecting yourself against covid in a work environment where no one else cares, because I’m in the same boat.

That really, really sucks, friend. As I said, I don't have all the answers, but here's what I've learned over the last few years and what's worked for me and my inner circle so far. Note that much of this advice will be US-centric because that's what I know best.

First, some light reading: This Covid Safety 101 flyer/infographic includes a ton of helpful info, and I've had some success using it as a conversation starter in my workplace. TL;DR: COVID is airborne, it's a SARS virus, its effects can be devastating, and your risk of Long COVID increases with each infection. We should all be taking steps to contract COVID as few times as possible and spread it as little as possible, with or without the support we should be getting from our public health institutions.

As for practical suggestions, many of them unfortunately cost a non-inconsequential amount of money because we live in a capitalist hellscape, but here are some things you can try, roughly ordered from least to most expensive.

Awareness: COVID is airborne!

A lot of folks, including people in the medical field (!!!) seem hesitant to believe/accept that COVID is airborne, even though this has been understood by researchers since fairly early on in the pandemic. Since most lingering "infection prevention" protocols focus on things like handwashing, disinfecting surfaces, and keeping a six foot distance from other people (all good for public health, but not particularly helpful for COVID), you'll need to gauge your own safety and comfort when around others.

As a general rule, if you're close enough to someone that you could smell their vape or cigarette smoke if they were engaging in such an activity, you're probably close enough catch COVID from them. Also, like smoke, COVID can linger in the air for a while after someone leaves a room. Adjust your habits accordingly and keep your mask on as much as possible (see below).

CPC Mouthwash and Nasal Sprays

I haven't had time to do a ton of research on these options, so take my recommendations with a grain of salt, but it sounds like there's some research coming out that suggests certain nasal sprays and mouthwashes containing CPC (Cetylpyridinium Chloride) may help neutralize viruses or block them from entering your body (or, at the very least, they may help reduce your viral load). I've been using Crest Pro-Health Clinical Rinse mouthwash before and after interacting with people for the last few months; I don't know how much of a role it's played in keeping me safe, but it might be helping, and even if it's not, it was cheap and my breath is always minty fresh. Here's some more info about nasal sprays, since I don't know enough about them to make any specific recommendations.

Testing

Keep a few rapid antigen tests on hand, if you can, but know their limits as a diagnostic or preventive measure, especially as new variants continue to evolve. My current understanding is that many new variants won't show up on a home test until day 3-4 of symptoms. What this means for you is:

Testing when you're completely asymptomatic and don't have any known recent exposures is probably not the best use of your resources.

If you have any unusual symptoms that might indicate illness, stay home (or wear a high quality mask, if you must interact with others). A negative test doesn't necessarily mean you're in the clear, and if you're sick, you can transmit COVID for several days before you test positive.

Swabbing your mouth and throat in addition to your nose (in that order, obviously) may increase the sensitivity of home tests.

Any sign of a positive test line counts as a positive! If the test line is very, very faint, that still counts.

If you feel sick, but your first test comes back negative, try again in a few days and keep testing periodically until you feel better and are no longer testing positive.

Vaccines

They're not perfect, and they won't get us out of this mess on their own, but if you have access to vaccines, get them. Any vaccine is better than no vaccine, but FWIW, I personally opted to get Novavax this year, after learning that it was the jab of choice for many COVID safety advocates and researchers. Pros of Novavax, specifically, include lower risk of side effects, possibly more durable immunity, and it's not an mRNA vaccine (great option for the vaccine skeptics in your life). But in the end, get whatever you can get.

Masks

If you're not already wearing an N95 respirator or similar, such as KN95, FFP2, KF94, etc., anytime you're indoors (or outdoors in a crowd), now's the time to start. One-way masking isn't perfect, but it's a lot more effective than no-way masking. As someone with a fairly petite face, I've had a hell of a time finding N95 masks that fit me. Through my many expensive mistakes, I have learned:

Avoid buying masks on Amazon, if at all possible. There are a lot of fakes out there.

If most masks fit you comfortably and you're comfortable wearing masks with headstraps (which tend to have a better seal than earloop masks), the 3M Aura is fantastic.

WellBefore sells masks in a variety of styles, sizes, and colors for affordable-ish prices. If you have a more petite face and have found that blue surgical masks and most N95s are huge on you, try their small or child sized masks.

BreatheTeq makes great masks in 4 sizes, and they sell a sample sizing kit for $7 + shipping to help you avoid wasting money.

Masks with headstraps generally form a better seal than masks with ear loops, but the most effective mask is one that you can/will actually wear semi-comfortably. Don't let perfect be the enemy of good. I've been wearing earloop masks for 3.5 years and have made it through multiple known exposures unscathed.

If you can afford to keep a few extra masks on hand to offer to colleages who have to be in your space, people who are coughing in public, or people who seem to be trying but they're still wearing inadequate surgical or cloth masks, do so. More often than not, people will take and wear them when offered!

Air Filtration

If we lived in a society that believed in public health and safety over profits, we'd have spent the last 3 years improving air filtration in public spaces. Alas, most places did not do this, so your next best options are as follows:

Open windows and prop doors whenever you can! Your goal is to keep fresh air moving through your space and minimize the amount of air that will be "re-breathed" by multiple people.

Build a Corsi-Rosenthal box with furnace filters and a box fan. Pros: Fairly cheap and easy to do; Cons: Boxes are large and can be loud. Some sites also provide instructions and/or sell kits to make smaller, more portable C-R boxes out of desktop computer fans.

Buy a HEPA air purifier (or 2, or 3), or try to get your workplace to shell out for one. While many brands sell small, portable purifiers that are around the size of a lunchbox, I would personally recommend that you buy the largest one you can afford. The smaller ones are probably better than nothing, but you really want a more room-scale solution, if possible. I've had good experiences with Medify Air and Coway air purifiers, but I'm sure there are other great brands out there as well.

If you buy an air purifier, you want one with a HEPA filter and without an ionizer, as ionizers aren't as helpful as the advertising would lead you to believe and they can pose health risks (ozone exposure, etc.).

Measuring Air Quality

If you can afford it, buy an Aranet 4 CO2 monitor. Yes, they're expensive, but I haven't heard of any cheaper products that compare in terms of accuracy or portability. (And they do occasionally go on sale on Amazon.) The Aranet 4 measures the concentration of carbon dioxide in the air around you. This reading is a great proxy for how much COVID might be in the air, and it can help you identify which areas of your home or workplace are the safest, and which ones would benefit the most from fresh air, an air purifier, or other safety measures.

#covid safety #covid #long post #god I hope I do not regret tagging this #I'm also probably forgetting important stuff but I know if I don't answer this tonight I won't get to it for 2 weeks #asks #anon

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furiousgoldfish · 1 year

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Can forcing yourself into neglect count as child neglect? For example never reaching out and ignoring your own feelings so no one helps you when you need it.

What you're describing is a symptom of being neglected. A person won't do this to themselves if they have any other alternative. We only ignore our own feelings when we know that expressing them will bring us further pain (people not caring, or reacting with hostility and punishing us for it).

It can also be a learned behaviour, once everyone else has neglected your feelings, you might start feeling like you should be doing the same to yourself.

But you can't exactly, force yourself into neglect. Either people are neglecting you, or they're noticing that something is wrong. Nobody is such a great actor that they could completely hide inner turmoil. It's visible. Never reaching out most often means that you have nobody to reach out to. If you could easily get listened to, understood, comforted, offered help, offered resolution to your problems, and if this was something you always could do, you would automatically do it.

If reaching out and stating your own needs has brought you trauma in the past, then it makes sense you can't do it anymore, it's too risky, too dangerous. That is not of your doing, you're only protecting yourself from further damage, when you're already feeling bad.

Keeping your feelings hidden and neglected generally generates loneliness, feelings of low self worth, isolation, feeling unimportant and non-valuable, so people with any other choice won't go for this. This is always forced on you in some way, and you are not doing it to yourself. It's likely that people who have neglected you, or are neglecting you currently, have gone very far to convince you that it's your fault, that you don't reach out or say when something is wrong, so now all that neglect is on you. It's not. Children are not supposed to know how to reach for help if they're not taught, and if this is not maintained, and consistently rewarded with comfort and help. If you haven't received this, if you haven't been taught how to reach out, how to ask for help, and if you haven't been able to rely on this consistently to get understood and helped, then it's not your fault. You're doing the best you can in a bad situation. None of the blame is on you.

#child neglect #consequences of neglect #aftermath of neglect #victim blaming

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the-swift-tricker · 2 years

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Hello. So. I think my psicologist cough some autism symptoms weeks ago and she said she's going to do some research and come back with the subject later. I'm 25, been through 7 professionals at least, who didn't even mentioned autism to me, so I'm... I don't know. I did some tests, read some articles, and suddenly.... A LOT of things growing up makes so much sense. But I'm, somehow.. afraid. I had an entire life without knowing this and suddenly... Even if nothing really changes, which really won't, I don't know, I really don't know how I feel, but I know is big.

Anyway, I know you're not an autism authority, and you don't own me or anyone anything but.. can you talk a little about being an autistic adult? or about how was it when you were diagnosed? How did you feel? Things got better?

well first and foremost let me ease your mind by saying that this is a very relatable mood. reaching a point in your life (particularly your adult life) where the idea of being autistic is something that suddenly seems incredibly likely can simultaneously be a huge relief and also completely overwhelming. so much of what society thinks of in relation to autism is told through a neurotypical lens and therefore it can be incredibly difficult to determine your own relationship with the idea of being autistic. for me it's been a long time in the making, only coming to full fruition over the course of the last year or so. i'm self diagnosed and haven't received any medical confirmations whatsoever but it's also not something i'm not super keen on pursuing. though it can be validating, an official medical diagnosis is daunting, expensive, and has a lot of other pitfalls. and i really am not that interested in all of that. through a lot of research and an equal amount of introspection it became perfectly clear to me that i'm on the spectrum. not only did it help make sense of so many parts of my life that had always been confusing to me, but it also eased this underlying identity crisis that i've been experiencing since i was a kid. in short, it was a sense of community that i realized i fit into perfectly, not because i related to every single autistic trait i saw or read about (since that's literally impossible as autism is a spectrum) but because it represented a sense of identity that really fit with all that i understood about myself.

an autism diagnosis, whether self or professional, is more than anything a journey of self acceptance and self realization.

and as to your question of whether things got better for me i can tell you that they absolutely did. not only did it help stabilize my perception of myself, but it also opened a door to taking better care of myself. i started realizing that i had been masking for most of my life and that helped explain the constant fatigue and stress i've dealt with for years on end. it also made me realize that i needed to do a better job of accommodating myself. i bought myself stim toys, found noise canceling headphones, started to realize when i was overstimulated, all of which helped my overall physical, mental, and emotional health.

all this to say that as one long term questioning autistic to another, i know it can feel daunting and even a little scary, but it is not something to be afraid of. realizing that i'm autistic is quite literally one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

i wish you the best with whatever comes next for you!

#asks #autism #autistic #swift-tricker's posts

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pet-pet-peet · 2 years

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Hai!! Congrats for your 100 followers!

For the event, may I request the dorm-leaders reaction to visiting their s/o's world with a global pandemic occuring? Like mid-lockdown and only discovering its true severity by watching the news while at their place. Also S/O is completely desensitized to all the devastation. They understand its severity. It explains their behaviour, disliking crowded areas, along with covering their nose and mouth (with a facemask or scarf) It is one of the main reasons they haven't taken them out to busy areas (Bonus if they explain that they didn't want to risk bringing the illness over to TWST)

Feel free to decline if you are uncomfy!

The pandemonium has definitely made it hard for me, as someone who has an immunity disorder. It’s one of the main reasons I had to drop out of school-

That being said, being safe is still something we need to do. I hope you guys are doing your best out there, stay hydrated and take care of yourselves 🖤

100 follower event Masterlist

Please read this and lmk what you think, I need to know your opinions ><

Story: The dorm leaders come to visit during an unnamed pandemic

Tw: This talks of a pandemic, but I do not name any specifics of it. If it’s too sensitive for you, please sit this one out

Pairing(s): Riddle, Leona, Azul, Kalim, Vil, Idia, Malleus x gn reader in their world during a pandemic (separate)

He was confused when he noticed how clean your house was; proud, but confused

The confusion grew when you asked him to keep a bit of distance and wash his hands regularly

So he asked if you were sick or something, and you explained that there was a virus spreading in your world

He understood and followed your rules while staying with you

However, he only found out the true severity when he saw an article on your phone

Looking over the symptoms, the death count, everything made him very uncomfortable

He confronts you when you come home and asks if you were safe and why you didn’t tell him the severity

You tell him that your were pretty used to the news and the death count, and that you and your friends and family did your best to stay safe when out

You further explain to him that you didn’t want to do much with him outside or get too close because you were concerned it would go over to Twisted Wonderland

He’s very worried about you, even when he’s in his world he’ll text you all the time to check in

He never really paid much attention to your efforts, but noticed you seemed to be going through a very big period of cleanliness

Asks why you suddenly became a germaphobe and you explain that there was a new illness going around your world

He’s a bit upset that you don’t want to be very close to him, but begrudgingly accepts that it’s just how it’s gonna be for a while

He lounged around your house while you would go out for supplies and groceries and flip through channels on your tv

Does it usually to get a grasp of your culture, but a news channel gives him a big wake up call when he notices how many people were being hospitalized

He immediately questions you when you get home, wanting to know why you left when there was something so dangerous going around

You tell him that it’s become normal for you, telling him that you’ve had to live like this for a while

You reassure him that you do what you can to be safe when you leave, and that you keep yourself away from him so you don’t accidentally send it into Twisted Wonderland

That makes him understand your actions better, and he becomes more okay with not being able to be more physical

He doesn’t mention it ever, but he keeps his room more clean after visiting your world, much to Ruggie’s happiness

He immediately wants to go in for a hug when he sees you, but you ask him not to get too close

You tell him about the sickness and let him know that you don’t want him to catch it cause it would suck

He’s understanding and even offers to help you keep your house sanitized, always offers to clean your goldfish’s bowl

He had the news on in the background while helping clean your kitchen, and overhears about the illness

Pays more attention so he can learn about it, and is shocked by the amount of people affected

He asks you if you know anyone who’s dealing with it, and you let him know your experiences with everything

You confirm with him that if you accidentally got him sick, even if he felt better before going back, he could still carry it over to his world

He understands and does what he can to support you and your safety endeavors

He gets so used to the cleaning pattern and asks Floyd and Jade to help him do the same in the Mostro

Isolates himself for a while (with Crowley’s permission) so that he can keep himself accountable

He’s the most sad about the lack of cuddles, but he understands that there’s something serious happening that makes physical affection suffer

Not exactly the best with cleaning, but he helps make you dinner and honestly is a charm to have around during quarantine

He has this way to make every situation he’s in fun and it helps brightens up the situation very much

He at some point notices you look over some of the news on your phone and is boggled at the images he sees

It honestly breaks your heart, he has a bit of a breakdown and asks if you’ll be okay when he has to go back

You reassure him that you’ll be okay, that you’re doing your best to keep yourself safe and are prioritising him more

You continue by saying that you don’t want to risk sending it back with him to his world

He understands, but is still very concerned over your wellbeing, so he makes sure you have hand sanitizer and your mask whenever you have to leave

When he goes back, he asks the other members of his dorm to keep their distance so he can ensure he doesn’t get them sick

He texts you everyday to check in with you and asks about the situation so he can stay updated

He’s very surprised with how clean you’ve made things in the time he was gone, so he asks if you somehow knew about his arrival

You told him that your world was in the middle of a pandemic, and you kept your house clean so you don’t risk catching it

He’s very understanding and does what he can to give pointers on how to stay healthy

He’ll do yoga with you and meditate with you to help your mental health, and likes to make you healthy meals and smoothies to help your bodily health

But when he finds out how bad it truly is, which is probably when he asks to scroll through your Instagram to see the trends, he’s slightly upset

You have to listen to him scold you because he feels out of the loop, but you clarify that you just started to see it as normal since it’s been happening for so long

He listens more calmly when you tell him that you were worried about getting him sick or sending it back to his world with him

He wishes he could hold you and reassure you, but settles with just words as he lets you know that he understands

He starts teaching you some of the recipes he knows for smoothies that have immunity boosting vitamins, and vitamins for energy

When he’s in his world and you want to try something new, he’ll text you ingredients to look for to help keep your body strong

He’s used to staying inside, so when you tell him that you both won’t be able to go out and do much he’s perfectly fine with it

He’s a bit concerned about getting sick, but he trusts how you’re handling the situation

He wants to help as much as he can, but he’s also concerned about overstepping boundaries, so he might just awkwardly watch you from the distance

Likes to play games with you to pass the time and get your mind off of things, especially pvp

When looking for an app for anime, he accidentally finds one for the news and doesn’t really know how to react to the numbers on the screen

He starts doing research on your phone about the situation, looking into how lethal it is and what the symptoms are, etc.

You tell him that you didn’t want to get him sick, and you especially didn’t want to risk sending it back with him

He understands and doesn’t bring it up much after, instead tries to distract you and get your mind off it for a bit

When he’s back in his world, he does research into how plagues and viruses were dealt with in his world and tries to give you some advice about them

Otherwise, he wants to play online mobile games with you and carry on with business as usual, unless you bring up something about the illness; then he gets worried and asks about your wellbeing

He’s been through many things in his long life, so I’m sure he’s had to watch as people suffered through plagues and illnesses in his life

He never really thinks of it as a non-lethal thing, especially since you’re human, so he takes great care in making sure you’re safe

He even offers to go out and buy groceries for you, but you know that he won’t really know what to look for or where to go

Instead, he keeps track of the daily count of those infected, and makes sure that you and your house are taken care of

The very brief time he’ll initiate any form of physical touch is to check your temperature, which he’ll do everyday as a precaution

You don’t really have to clarify anything he has to do, but you probably end up investing in a non-touch thermometer

You end up saying that, while his immunity is different from a human’s, you want to make sure he doesn’t carry it over because of you

He’s very understanding, so he makes sure that he respects your boundaries more, and he is very strict about that

He’ll take what he learned from helping raise Silver and give advice on what vitamins you need to keep yourself balanced

Anything that he remembers in his world that he deems may be helpful to you, he’ll text to you so you can do what you can with it

*All Images are official art from Twisted Wonderland and do not belong to me. They are the Lab Coat Groovy card art

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eternal-armin · 3 years

Text

period comfort

gender-neutral reader (as usual) characters included: jean, sasha, armin, levi, hange, mikasa, erwin, asot armin

modern au because (i was going to end that sentence but it works) this is a bit long so i need to get in the habit of doing this more

·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ 　jean　.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• was really not that educated at first ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• but understood the ways that you explained it ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• despite it he was still awkward about it all for a little while. eventually you both got comfortable and he was fine ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• usually brings you comfort objects and favorite snacks ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• jean always has pain meds for your cramps and headaches ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• prepared to cook and clean for a few days so you have nothing to stress about at home ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• for school he helps you out, if it gets really bad he'll help you write an email to your professor saying you may miss a day ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• understands your mood swings and never takes things personally ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• used to be nervous about purchasing hygiene products but just really doesn't care anymore ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• all he is is buying necessary things for you to get through a tough time ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• and that's pretty manly in his opinion ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• gives you plenty of hugs and kisses if you want them and will leave you alone if you need him to. ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• your dynamic is essentially the same no matter what's going on with you ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• the normalcy is greatly appreciated

·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ 　sasha　.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• obviously completely understands ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• heating pad? plugged in. bathroom drawers? plenty of supplies. medicine cabinet? filled with midol. kitchen? filled with good food. (not just cravings but also healthy food) ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• sasha cooks for you unless you want to ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• but she understands if you give up halfway through ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• (she does the same sometimes too) ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• surprises you sometimes with fresh-baked goods that you haven't had for a while. her cooking skills have improved so much its incredible ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• you take the free time to browse cookbooks and recipe books, bookmark new recipes, and make alterations to old ones ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• watch a lot of movies and funny videos ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• like b. dylan hollis vintage cooking tiktoks ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• and you are unashamed to admit you watch a lot of minecraft videos from assorted creators ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• if it works, it works. no judgment ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• takes time to get used to how sensitive you are to headaches ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• but after a day or so she adjusts ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• lots of cheek and forehead kisses ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• whenever you're writhing with the heating pad she'll get you tea, crackers, and ginger ale ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• or something akin ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• she knows how easy it is to get nauseated

·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ 　armin　.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• after the first cycle you had when dating him, and armin being completely unversed in what to do, he did plenty of research in what happens and the ways to help you through it ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• bought a well-reviewed heating pad for your cramps ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• keeps the best-working pain meds for you in the medicine cabinet ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• gives you his futon <33 ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• plenty of cuddles ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• he also checks your temperature a few times ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• just to be sure that you aren't showing symptoms of a cold or anything since you're more susceptible during your period ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• makes your favorite meals every day ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• or just orders out when you ask him to stay in bed instead ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• you get so self-critical on your period ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• spill a cup of water and you're like "I AM USELESS TO THE WORLD AND THE GROUND I DESERVE TO DISINTEGRATE" ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• but he never hesitates and is never impatient. he will reassure you and tell you that it's perfectly fine to make a mistake and that you are worth no less than you were before ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• can recognize the signs of when you want to be left alone and will leave you alone. checks on you every once in a while though ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• even if he just wants to see your gorgeous face ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• dont even try to disagree you are gorgeous x

·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ 　levi　.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• sympathetic ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• how could he not be you bleed for like a week once a month ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• still not incredibly accustomed to the mood swings you have so he gets a little snappy ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• but apologizes very quickly afterward ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• refuses to let you eat too much junk food ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• gives you plenty of drinks though, from water to tea to hot chocolate ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• and coffee because you always ask ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• you barely get any sleep on your period, so you're basically like him any other day ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• it's a lot more time spent together ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• you watch a lot more movies, or read, or just talk ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• no specific subjects or anything ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• just whatever comes to your minds ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• which often leads to some very interesting conversations. not dirty or anything just weird or extravagant. like discussing the end of the entire universe ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• or yknow other normal post-college stuff ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• surprisingly more sensitive/intimate with you during your time of the month ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• sweeter, gentler ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• you may or may not tease him for it after ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• but you love it, no matter what you say

·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ 　hange　.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• fawns over you but now they FAWN OVER YOU ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• everything you need is there magically (not so magically) ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• will cuddle you whenever you ask. plenty of kisses to go around ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• completely doesn't mind when you don't answer them, when you sleep till noon, when you get kind of snappy, etc ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• you wake up with a glass of water, a light breakfast, and some meds on the bedside table ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• the heating pad never leaves the drawer unless it needs to be cleaned ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• speaking of, hange keeps things clean and neat (the best they can) because it annoys you easily and they're trying to keep you as happy and comfortable as possible ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• you watch emotional movies and hange will happily be your shoulder to cry on ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• you are practically glued to their side unless your cramps say fuck you ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• praises you so much ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• and tells you "i love you" until it doesn't sound like words anymore ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• it's kind of funny actually, you love it ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• lots of hugs ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• too many (jk there's no such thing as too many) ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• shares some of your emotions because they are contagious. but it helps you to not feel alone.

·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ 　mikasa　.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩��̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• once again she completely understands ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• her own period is not bad but yours is hell on earth ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• so she is content to take care of you because she has an idea of how bad it gets ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• lets you sleep in as long as you want. sleep and hydration are crucial to health so you get plenty of both ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• kisses your cheek to wake you up ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• "good morning, lovely. how did you sleep?" ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• such a sweet voice ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• like waking up to an angel <3 ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• you both spend time in the kitchen while your meds kick in and she makes breakfast ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• knows how easily you get nauseated on your period so she makes the meals light and healthy ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• but sometimes you sneak a craving ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• if it makes you sick, she doesn't get angry at you, but does gently scold you ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• mikasa still understands though ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• buys some ginger ale the first day you get it for the rest of the time ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• will watch your favorite netflix show/anime with you over and over because she knows how happy it makes you and how much you love it ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• you also go into new movies and video games ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• but mostly stick to tried and true media ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• she kisses your temple often because she knows it's comforting to you

·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ 　erwin　.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• being as organized as he is, he can usually prepare ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• very kind but not completely pampering ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• he knows you enjoy having a level of independence so he respects your space unless you ask him to do something ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• every time he greets you (whether he returns home from work or he goes to see you from the other room) he kisses your cheek or your forehead. this isn't very different from usual but i didn't mention it before so i am now ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• for someone the embodiment of him during this time is Smile by Carpenters (my mind is abstract im sorry) ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• perfectly willing to give you a back rub when you need it ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• he is sympathetic to how tough this time can be ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• had a basic understanding of what a period was and how people tend to cope but mostly learned and adjusted his knowledge to fit you specifically ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• erwin is surprisingly romantic ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• or not surprisingly depending on your perception of him ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• very sweet to you, never gets pissy when you do ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• even when he's stressed he tries his best to be patient with you and keep his mind steady and clear ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• knows that him being exasperated would worsen things for you ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• happy to cuddle you whenever you ask, or just to go to bed ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• tells you how much he loves you no matter what ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• you get really proud of him too, and you express it more than you usually do ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• seeing the happiness in his eyes makes your heart flutter

·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ 　asot armin　.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .

⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• thinks that periods are actually gifts from demons so he treats you like a complete king/queen/monarch (please circle one) ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• basically glued to you unless you ask him to leave ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• hugs you close and tight ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• mumbles sweet nothings and assorted blessings he made specifically for you ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• basically makes your room like a holy (unholy?) space ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• incense, herbal medicines ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• it surprisingly works to numb the pain of cramps and headaches ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• only gives you the best foods you have in the house ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• never lets you do any chores or anything, doesn't want to stress yourself even slightly ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• his utter devotion to you, no matter what mindset or train of thought it comes from, is admirable to say the least. the look in his eyes too, it makes you blush ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• cuddles/spoons you most of the time ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• absolutely loves being near you, just like you love being near him ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• kind of overprotective and does not let others go into your room or even see you unless he has your specific consent for them to do so, no matter the situation ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• is absolutely sure you hydrate, eat, and sleep ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• he trusts you but he must be sure ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• constantly compliments you and tells you he loves you ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• the way that you react with a version of "you too" or "i learn form the best" is how he knows you're the perfect one for him ⭑*•̩̩͙⊱• yet another reason why he treats you like an emper/or/ess of the land

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paper-cloud · 3 years

Text

i. the crushing weight of what happens next

part of "(there will be a) tomorrow"

fandom: prospect (2018) characters: ezra, cee rating: T words count: ~3K context: post-canon general warnings/tags: see series masterlist warnings/tags for this chapter: ezra's pov. angst. not graphic descriptions of wounds, blood and amputated limbs. mentions of minor characters' death. (probably very) inaccurate but anyways vague descriptions of medical treatments and post-anesthesia symptoms. taglist: @ravensmutty @buttercup--bee @thegreenkid (again, thank you all for your interest and encouragement! :3) @krissology @ezrasarm @bonktime (please forgive my nerve, i won't tag you in the next chapters unless you'll explicitly ask me to! just thought about someone else who might be interested and you guys are AMAZINGLY talented and inspiring "prospect"/ezra writers. it's not my intention to waste precious moments of your time! 🤡

[SERIES MASTERLIST] [MAIN MASTERLIST]

He'd have thought it was almost ironic – opening his eyes to the light only to see nothing. To feel pain.

He'd have laughed about it, most likely. A bit later, he'd have acknowledged it was a reasonably fair compromise; for him and any other wretch that'd ever dared play dice with darkness and miraculously made it out alive.

And in the very end he'd come to laugh at himself, too.

He knows the drill. Someone who trades their own life with the contract of the highest bidder doesn't see the universe in black and white, let alone is in a position to draw the hypothetical line between the two of them.

Must be an even more wicked universe than he's ever cared about, then.

At least, that's where the struggle of opening his eyes made him stumble upon; when a blade of light thrust through that hint of a gap he'd pushed himself to create in the middle, resonating through the dark coils of unconsciousness like a harsh, unforgiving bell.

A skilled mariner over silky rivers of natural redundancy and rapids of professional edges, Ezra is a man who can appreciate a sharp wit when he recognizes one.

That was too much even for him.

Floundering in between a blinding whiteness and a black hole that wasn't even completely black, but permeated by a thick, suffocating haze that filled every ghost haunting his mind with its stench. With the color of diabolically lush leaves.

Forest— spores— poison— death.

It hadn't been enough to let him dangle in apnea above a roaring vortex of lifeless emerald; take him away from the grey flow whose elusiveness he'd come to appreciate more than he'd ever hated to endure its chaos— from the bubble built on the routine series of one last jobs that, in the end, never really were.

There'd been a moment when, from the higher parts of the room, his pupils tumbled down, tripping over a patch of green discreetly lurking in a corner.

He almost threw up.

It had taken him a while to clear out the misty grit clotted in his corneas— focus on white walls, light wood paneling... a harmless seedling in a pot.

He'd breathed heavily, deeply. He sure hadn't got much relief from it. Still, he'd been able to hear its sound, louder than he'd ever heard it before, the musical, cooling mesh of oxygen particles in and out of his lungs almost begging his fingers to be touched.

Oxygen.

Fresh air.

Had he been less sore – less convinced it was just the residual effects of anesthesia pulling pranks on him –, he would have burst out laughing. Even more so if some poor soul of the medical staff nearby would have called for reinforcements from the other side of the space station before storming into his room.

He'd be laughing now, too. The best he can manage is sitting on his bed, leaning his back on the headboard – which is what he's struggling to do right now— and well, sometimes the room lighting still slightly bothers him. Of course, with all the painkillers and antibiotics they've given him, he wouldn't feel like the wound on his stomach is swallowing the entire arsenal of stitches and bandages.

He just wouldn't like her to get the wrong idea.

He blinks several times, like a man who no longer trusts his eyes. How can he, when they're burning like that, in such a different fire from the one from days before – damp and flickering? For reasons he can imagine, she seems to be faltering. Totally beyond his comprehension, he could swear she's smiling at him. Something inside his ribcage creaks oddly, while the curve of his chest arches upward.

"Birdie."

It's just a huff of breath, weak and hoarse, yet scratches his throat all the same, in a way that its walls feel studded with rock spurs. Actually, Ezra doesn't remember talking since they left the Green behind – which, being him, is saying something – and it's like an eternity has passed since their pod docked up there.

The nurse who let her into his room has just left and Cee sinks her hands into the pockets of her sweatpants. She's still smiling— just the faded shadow of a smile, now that he takes a better look at her.

"How's your wound?"

It sounds a lot less plain than he expected.

She hasn't moved towards him any further, and for now she's not showing any hints at wanting to. In her irises, Ezra recognizes thumping stars and cerulean clouds, all clustered in the black circle cut by the large porthole next to his bed. All before catching the thin mist veiling them. As if she did want to reach those stars, let herself get carried away by those streams of bluish dust, but she had no idea how or what to do there.

He looks down, the borders of the bandages over his abdomen slightly raised under his black short-sleeved tee. He clears his throat.

"S'healin' nicely", he says, with a deliberate lightheartedness that costs him a sharp, bizarre inflection in his voice. He closes his eyes soon after, tilting his head condescendingly. "That's how the nurse feels about it, anyway... S'not like I can feel much more right now."

This reminds him of those vacuous moments between brief, chaotic waking states and delirious dreams. When he'd managed to reconnect some essential key points scattered around in the talks of surgeons and nurses; the weariness he felt from simply gathering he was on a space station due to enter the orbit of Mesos in three cycles and something standard hours. All while his only solid reference point – the only indisputable proof he was still alive – was the sequence of beeps chirped by the medical monitor perched nearby. Constant, not monotonous. Friendly, even. Sometimes, he actually comes to miss it.

"A trust fall to the extreme, I'd guess", he snorts, a sly laugh as weak and heavy as the words trudging out of his mouth. As the whole rest of him.

Whatever answer she's considering, Cee freezes it in a quick purse of her lips – maybe a nod, but for his own good he'd rather be doubtful. Then she starts looking around.

There's a chair under the board firmly anchored to the opposite wall – probably a desk or something he's never needed to test, whatsoever. She grabs it and puts it next to his bed. She sits down, bringing her legs to her chest, squeezing them in her arms.

Waiting for what, Ezra has no idea, and he's afraid she doesn't have any, either.

He doesn't speak, though, nor does he encourage her to do the same. Her pearly gaze roams steadily but unhurriedly from him to somewhere beyond him, her nose buried in the gap between her knees. He studies her carefully, two purple crescents above her cheeks, a few hair strands swinging down her face without her wiping them out. The nights she's slept through haven't been any more peaceful than his.

Trust, he recalls in the meantime.

It sure brings an odd taste to his mouth. Something close to sweaty spacesuits, grimy paths and gone-off ration bars. A single word for two human beings forced to share the same air filter for days; that, and the image of a dead body left to rot miles behind and the desperate commitment not to end up in the same way.

His gaze just happens to trip over his right side, taking in the deflated sleeve over the emptiness that saved his life. When he lifts it back to the girl, meeting her eyes just before they can flutter away, he realizes they were both looking at the same spot. And he realizes something else— something he's already understood, yet not quite.

There is no tube binding them now.

"Why d'you do it?", he mumbles a split second later, almost like somehow the thread of his question has immediately knotted to the one of his previous thought.

He huffs. He shouldn't even have asked her, in all honesty. Seeing her like this, at least he should have put it in another way, danced around it, it's not like he’s never been good at stalling, after all—

"Comin' back", Ezra says instead, and when he swallows, he mainly does it to send his heart back down his throat. If he'd died without being given the last chance to be this straightforward on this matter, he would have probably kicked his ass all the way to the other side.

This time, Cee doesn't avoid his gaze. He shouldn't be surprised by how collected she looks, given the calmness she handled his infected arm with and then told him about when she used to slip into Jata Bhalu carcasses. But he can't help it when he thinks she can't be much older now than what she was then.

He watches her breathing in, wobbling her pupils here and there, seemingly considering his words. She's not afraid, not any more than what she seemed to be when she walked into his room. Maybe she's just better than him at playing pretend – but this, he can't tell whether it's more of a good than a bad thing. Especially for her.

One thing he can tell is that she's not the same girl who pointed a trembling gun at him before running away into the woods. He knows she's not afraid.

He knows...

So is it the hunter's instinct he has to blame if he feels she is?

"Guess I've seen too much death on that forsaken moon to just... turn my back on one I can help– one I can do something about."

If he was standing in front of an entire mountain crumbling down into the ocean, he wouldn't hear its sound. ‘Wouldn't even be the worst he deserves. She did hesitate before adding the last few words, but Ezra refuses to believe she did that because she was afraid of hurting him. He may be a wretch, but not a fool.

Kevva, for a man who's always managed to untwist himself from far tougher situations with the tangles of his tongue alone, he's sure having a deal of trouble – and he wishes he could put all the blame on his current physical condition.

There is no word he doesn't have to weigh carefully now, to prevent it from taking too sharp edges once out of his lips. He may float around it forever. But once he's let her go without saying anything, he'll hardly find the courage to look within himself again, more than after any other job that hardened his hands with calluses and tarnished his eyes with blood.

He doesn't know for sure. In fact, everything he was sure to know – about the turning direction of the universe and the one of the wheels in his head – has already collapsed in front of him, tracing a flaming tail. An unforgiving meteor following a trajectory far beyond his grasp.

He just knows silence scares him, in a way that a wrong word will never do again. It terrifies him. More than as a talkative person, as a castaway on a hostile moon for too many cycles to keep their count – with the only company of a mute. Silence is green; the green of the most poisonous pollen, lethal in his brain just like toxic spores enveloped in his lungs. The green of snake scales ready to stand and scratch his flesh until liquid crimson pours out of it.

And at the end of the day, this is the only fucking thing he can tell himself to know without having his guts churning and chest heaving a beat later.

"Stop looking at me like that."

It's more of an exhausted prayer than an annoyed remark. Ezra blinks, stunned by the sudden return from the shapeless stream of his thoughts.

"Like what?"

"Like you're looking for the words to thank me", Cee settles back into her chair and this time she lets one leg touch the floor, "Tell me you owe me, and you– you're sorry about what you did."

Ezra sniffles. "Would it be bad?"

"No, it—". She closes her eyes for a moment, clenching her jaw. "Just no good", she breathes out, calmer.

And the discordant note in those words conjures up ghosts not yet vague enough for Ezra to be able to tolerate them without something twinging inside him— like a violent flutter of wings. Voices groping their way up ravels of compromises. Damon, deep in the forest. Himself, with the mercenaries in the Queen's Lair. Cee, days before that. After he—

She's right— those words she hasn't said yet, but whose shadow he feels looming every time he catches her wetting her lips.

Some things just can't be split evenly.

"This is not the Green", she states, suddenly more confident but no less exhausted. "If you're going to hang around just because you need to, once we reach Mesos¹ you'd better be on your way."

Ezra doesn't interrupt her. A faded echo starts making its way into his ears. A former prospecting partner, many years ago. An easy job on a forgettable Fringe moon.

Gems don't have an expiration date. Deals do. Strike 'em if you need to, get rid of them as soon as you can. Unless you care to dig a quicker way to your grave.

He didn't pay attention to it, then. He'd thought it was just the empty rhetoric prospectors drop absentmindedly to fill the time between an unrewarding digging and the next. All the more so under the rickety advice of a couple too many.

His eyes still wide open, hands shaky, he merely reciprocated the awkward bottle lift of his partner, whom he didn't know more than the meanders of that quarry. A toast to a faceless future – a nothingness still more reassuring than what was all around and behind them. Not to the darkness of the cave, basically unbreakable if only for the red halo thrown by the twinkles of sharp, sinister Prystines². Not even to the two poor bastards that had set out with them, ending up skewered a few hundred paces behind – one by mistake, the other to return the favor of saving him from the clutches of a furious Aiu³.

Like an idiot.

Several contracts later preventing him from missing a beat in front of similar hiccups, the logic of that statement no longer sounds so absurd to Ezra. Luckily for him, Cee understood it long before him.

"I was just lookin' for the words to tell ya you'll be better off without me—"

Half a truth. Half a heartbeat. After all, she isn't the only one of them who knows how to sell it.

He leans his head back against the headboard, eyes half-closed, a sly grin baring a couple of his upper teeth. It would almost be intimidating, except that the glint hitting them doesn't quite match the dying one in his eyes.

"—But you beat me to it", he finishes, and he sounds like he's about to fall asleep.

He slowly turns his head away, looks through the porthole. His gaze clutches to the passing asteroids outside, distant nebulae spraying the sidereal black with hues of purple, blue, red— then green, again. A climbing plant squeezing him from the inside, discomfort starts creeping on him an inch of his body – what's left of it – at a time.

He doesn't want her to think he's angry at her, and it's the only concrete foothold emerging from the fluid, magmatic chaos in his mind.

How could he be, when she came back to get him?

She didn't have to.

She doesn't have to be here, either...

"I'm sorry", she suddenly blurts out.

He meets her eyes again, a mix of bewilderment and disapproval shading his own. He shakes his head.

"Don't."

"I just—". She starts fiddling with the extra fabric created by the folds of her sweatpants. Then she sighs deeply. "I have no idea what I'm gonna do now."

He snorts. "Not that it's s'pposed to make you feel any better, but... neither do I."

He doesn't have a hazy helmet choking the glimmer in his eyes, an air filter breaking some frequencies in his voice— maybe just those making him sound sincere, while saving those trapping him into the swamp of self-loathing.

He was nothing but honest when he told her the rules of the game on the Green. When he openly admitted he was a killer, and when he assured her he wouldn't trade her for the Sater's Aurelac. And she's always seemed to believe him, maybe for that kind of desperate inertia that washes over people when they need something to cling to. Whatever the case, Ezra can only hope she wants to believe him now. But she doesn't speak, and for a moment his fear of not saying enough overcomes that of crossing her boundaries.

"But w—", he immediately bites his tongue, "—you still have three cycles to figure things out. Someone up here will be able to help you. Even so, please know you'll always have my most sincere gratitude."

The effort of lining up all those words and so few pauses to catch his breath casts a thick fog over his ears. His eyes suddenly hurt again and he finds himself squinting.

What happens next, he just records it, hardly managing to follow each cause-effect relationship. A series of events softly raining on him without making a noise, while he can quite imagine them to be way more prolonged in time. Cee leaning towards the lighting panel on the wall, sliding her finger counterclockwise, and the white coating the walls turning less painfully bright; her getting up, walking away, dwelling just before the door. "I'll come to check on you tomorrow", she says, sniffling.

She tilts her head, holding his gaze in her watery one for an agonizingly slow while – Please, don't ask me why.

He blinks once – Of course.

Then, the automatic door is once again engulfed by the wall, closing behind her with a metallic rustle.

Tomorrow.

His heart is taken by a spiraling jolt that leaves an empty cave behind. When it falls back into place, Ezra finds something has tripped in there, shapeless and quivering like the nucleus of a newborn star.

Hope, terror and everything that lies in between.

___________________

NOTES:

1) Mesos — Invented planet. Its only raison d'être is that "mésos" in Greek means "middle" and my intent was to frame this story in a moment of transition (after those of movies) for both Ezra and Cee. 2) Prystines — Invented kind of crystals. They're implied to be huge, red and very sharp, thus endangering the path through the cave. 3) Aiu — Invented predator, ideally a big feline.

A/N:

Yeah, uhm... at this point, if someone was ever to give me any kind of feedback, constructive criticism or random thought, I think I'd just melt into a puddle for the attention alone. And to all those who came all the way down here, your bravery shall not be forgotten. ♥️✨

In my defense, it's (almost) all P**** P*****'s fault & of his habit of taking orphans under his wing from one planet to another.

I know people in the fandom generally tend to make Ezra and Cee go along straight away after the movie, so this will be a slightly different take on things, I guess... But even if I don't know if I'll keep this series going atm (life & maturity exam suck), a final reconciliation is definitely on the way. ;)

Oh, and any beta reader that should feel like helping me out for when I'll have the next chapters ready is warmly welcomed! My DMs are always open and I swear I don't bite! :3

#prospect (2018)#prospect movie #ezra (prospect)#cee (prospect)#pedro pascal #sophie thatcher #my writing ☁️#geez what tf did i write this so long for?#it's all sadness and insecurities and introspections #hopefully i'll fit more dialogues in for the next ones...#which means kevva help me when i'll have to put my hands on that verbose space rascal's dialogues #i already know i'll ruin him but i really don't want to but he's so fucking intimidating but—#*goes hiding in her cave*

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whimsically-ominously-auspice · 4 years

Text

He makes me livid! I get so mad!!! I don't understand him at all. He makes me go UGH but in bad ways.

I went off on him first before I realised what his problem was... Like total accusations and misfit drama. All paranoid loca. I don't give a shit.

I draw conclusions and those were the most obvious.

But when you know someone... You have to remember their stupidity. One time he confessed... And I already had decided to break up with him... I was all I'm waiting till his dad dies then I'm done. He's a good friend when he tries but he doesn't make me,a priority. And so I hadn't told him. I just tired of him,upsetting me so I had to remove me.

So he said he wouldn't do anything for his pain,then, he would take 2x his Percocet with 5 shots of tequila then treat me like shit.

I really hadnt noticed. I was all "oh he's just in his mood where he's decided I'm not important to him"

And true enough when he told me his dad died I walked away from our relationship.

But honestly ... Years later... I missed him.. Because he treated me best. Because I say I walked

I mean I left, completely.

But despite his faults he's always treated me best. I mean person to person. He didn't give me what I wanted from,the relationship. But as a low key friend, he understood me the most

He understood i was scared to go to sleep and he would stay on the phone and help,me,sleep so I could. No one else can do that. My daughter, if she was sleeping with me. I could listen to her breathe and I could fall asleep that way. Because it would calm my r breathing if she was sleeping that calm sleep,breath

But he knew all what to say. And I never had to tell him or even tell him I was afraid to sleep or even admit it to myself.

I hope this helps some of y'all that are anti medicine as well.

I don't like hospitals or doctors (I like my personal doctors But aside from them) in general. I'm afraid of them. They make me hostile. I feel like theyre some dangerous S&M dungeon

Go and wait for hours to get bad news then they don't give you what you need because you're so fucking exhausted they don't understand. Or don't care or are the ones that like to kill patients.

So I like my doctors although I have to wait for hours to see them past my appointment time, they take extra time to see me and cover what I think I need. Their quality is worth the wait. I have 3. Primary, Pain and Urgent Care. And I use the computer urgent care where I leave an online message after finishing a long ass quizz through the insurance website.

And whatever pills they give me, I Google to make sure they were right. They always are. Im also interested in what else the pills cover. Like i take 2 different anti seizure pills for pain and one also for insulin sensitivity increase and metabolic increase. And i take an antidepressant that also covers fibromyalgia.

I have 13 prescriptions. Monthly. Some I have to take more than once per day. Plus i take vitamins.

Then I Google the pharmacy pills to make sure the pharmacy was right.

So.

I get it. Sometimes I don't want to take 13 prescriptions more than once per day or even at all.

But we need to know what we are taking and why.

And why it is important.

And we need to take our medicine. So we can survive

I think this information is especially important during this epidemic.

Now realize that antibiotics are not useful on viruses unless the virus causes a bacterial infection. Like.

A cold is a virus but in some people like myself and used to in my daughter, causes a severe sinus infection which requires antibiotics.

I know the point at which we need antibiotics and so i go to my urgent care lady because she understands and we just do a walk in. And i don't overwhelm my doctor who is taking time to give quality care and has long waiting patients.

But otherwise a virus does not respond to antibiotics. And anti-virus medications are quite rare.

Flu shot... But not a cold shot..

So we take over the counter medicine for our symptoms. Like coughing and runny nose

Sinus pressure in the eyes, nose, teeth. Jaw.

If you have a tooth ache you can take sinus medicine. Because the worst tooth pain is actually in your sinus cavity! That's a secret trick. Works every time.

So basically anytime you have facial pain that doesn't respond to Tylenol or ibuprofen or alieve, you can take sinus medicine. Also ear pain.

Google sinus cavities in the face and you'll see why.

Now an ear and sinus infection is a bacteria, usually but usually our bodies can fight it Well without an anti biotic. As long as it is treated with over the counter medicine. But sometimes, like with myself and my daughter, sometimes an antibiotic is needed..but that is after at least a week to 10 days of serious green overflow that doesn't respond to over the counter medicine.

Sometimes the bacteria is lab revealed by terrorists during the "flu and cold season" to create an income for pharmaceutical companies. For my daughter and i, they're usually too strong for our immune system.

Although since my ex husband left town, my daughter's immune system has significantly became stronger. While mine has not. So she needs less antibiotics, than I do.

Otherwise, my body can fight it on its own with a few doses of otc.

I had a tooth pulled a few years ago.. It created a pathway to my sinuses. I could rinse water in my mouth and it would come out my nose. I saw an ear, nose and throat specialist whom said i needed surgery immediately to repair my nose.

I said no thank you mother fucker

I had to have clearance from my cardiologist. So i took a stress test and failed. So i had to have an ultra sound. It wasn't good. But they said I could have the surgery since it was simple.

I said that's cool, but I don't want to.

I haven't done it. So I get sinus infection and pain quite often. My bone structure in my nose is center in my right nostril. Meaning it's really fucking bad

From being punched in the face a lot. The surgery sounds fucking horrible. And it's a cosmetic change.

I'm all nope. I'm a single mom. She don't take good care of me. I'll drown in the blood sliding down the back of my throat.

The tooth removal was so bad... It was horrible. There was blood every where for days... I can only imagine the nose surgery would be the same

I also hate the smell of blood. So I'm like no. It sounds like the most miserable thing.

If I had someone to take care of me and baby me like a little blood soaked lamb in need of care... That's s different story.. But I don't have anyone that would take care of me

After my tooth... I was throwing up the blood and my kid just stood there and stared,. Which I wanted to hide it from her I was sick... But I was in the kitchen and began violently puking in the trash can... Scared her to death

"Mom I'm scared"

"I am, too. This has never happened before"

So yeah fuck that nose. I got one crooked fucking nose. And it makes me sick.

She wants me to have surgery so I'll quit snoring.

Well.

Ear plugs are at the Dollar Tree, babe.

So y'all take your pills that you need

Some one cares about you

And they don't want to slap your face off. But you'll drive them to it. And a crooked nose isnt all its cracked up to Be. It pretty much sucks.

I can't even blow it Like a normal person....

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tinyfaeble · 4 years

Text

...bonsai moments:

- Isan taking a time of her day to take me to the optometrist during ECQ. After a month of lockdown, I started getting frequent headaches and my eyes hurt. It really scared me since headache is a Covid symptom so I really wanted to go to an eye clinic. I comforted myself with the thought that it must just be an eye problem plus my migraine. Thankfully, it was just really my eyes. They were so dry and my glasses don't fit properly anymore which caused the headache. I had a new pair of glasses that same day and some eye drops to help with the dryness. We also drived thru a Mcdo and had it for lunch while we waited for my glasses. I appreciate how Isan and Faith understand my fondness for Mcdo (hahahaha). And although Isan also had her eyes checked, I truly appreciated what she did for me. It might seemed like a small thing, but not to me. I badly needed to get out and clear my head that time too which is why I was extra thankful for that short trip.

- Finally some booze after what seemed to be a really long liquor ban. Faith and Isan brought me some drinks when they also needed some stationery. I wanted to just give it to them but they insisted to give something in return and got me drinks. I am not an alcoholic but I really love drinking--- an ice cold beer or a mojitos after a really long day used to be a part of routine and I miss it.

- Ate Toten sending us money for some coffee. One of the best gifts ate Geianne gave to me was the privilege to be friends with ate Toten, too. They are childhood best friends. I met ate Toten when I was in college and I am glad and thankful that I still have her in my life. She and ate Geianne were the big sisters I wished I had. They have taken care of me in their own ways and treated me as an equal despite being younger than them. I really appreciate that.

- We celebrated Isan's birthday via Zoom. I wish we could have gotten out together for some food and drinks but we can't so this was good enough. 😁

- Seeing Noelle! After more than two months, I finally met with Noelle again. We went out for some Mcdo. We found a corner with no people where we ate standing since dine-ins aren't allowed anymore. I really missed her. From seeing her almost every night ever since we met in UP to not being able to see each other because of the pandemic. It was another change that I had to adapt to. I have grown too comfortable to being able to just come over to their house and have sleepovers especially on nights that I wished I wasn't alone. I get to eat home-cooked breakfasts at their house, too. I couldn't imagine my life at UP without Noelle. I guess I would have survived still but it wouldn't be the same experience. I am thankful that Noelle embraced me as family. Heavens know how much she's helped me grow over the last three years even without her knowing. We still wanna die (hahaha) but if we don't yet, I look forward to our future sleepovers.

- My M.Ed. Family. There was this one night that I was really devastated and angry (angrier than usual) over our government's incompetence. It was the day I finally completed the requirement for me to finally be able to go home. I woke up early that day and I walked from our apartment to the pier. I was hoping to get a ticket already. I found out that I couldn't yet since my documents needed a stamp from the Coast Guard and they only stamp on the day of your trip. Mind you, of the countless times that I saw and talked to government staffs in-charged of these required documents, none of them mentioned about the stamp from the Coast Guard or how trips are scheduled. I was also frustrated at our own LGU's lack of proper communication and updates. That was Saturday so I decided to just go back early on Monday. Just my luck though, later that night, the DILG released a memo banning the travel to and from Cebu. Welp, there goes my hope of going home. I felt so helpless but I was able to vent--- thanks to Larry and Eric for letting me and for listening. I was really worried of my finances that time. Not being able to go home means for spending for food, rent, and other utilities. A really big problem when you are unemployed. I didn't have any extra money anymore too since I haven't gotten my last cheque from BRIGHT because we never got the chance to process our clearance yet. Larry understood my distress and apparently shared my troubles with our classmates and friends. I was really surprised at first and embarrassed. I hate being a trouble to other people. I hate causing hassle. I am used to being the one helping, not receiving the help. I also don't usually get helped unless I asked. Larry saw through me. I realized that it would be mean to turn down the help they offered even if I didn't ask. I know they meant well and I shouldn't take it against them. I got over myself and when I did that, I realized how grateful I am. I badly needed the help and I am one lucky bitch to have friends who helps me out without me even having to ask. And honestly, I felt cared-for. It was a really nice feeling. My classmates and friends extending help financially did not only help me with my financial troubles, it also taught me to acknowledge that it is okay to ask and receive help.

-UP OUR EMAIL. I got my graduation confirmation... 🌻🌻🌻 more on this later...

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