#/really/ funny. I saw someone call him manipulative once for being upset if you dump him after having sex and being like ‘you used me for | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-bau-quinjet · 3 years

Text

Round 1: Fruit Snacks

Bucky x reader

Summary: Steve, Sam, and Bucky try to prank you. Emphasis on try.

Warnings: none, well I guess manipulative crying? but in a funny way...

Word Count: 1384

a/n: my inspiration for this? A box of fruit snacks. What am I doing with my life?

Masterlist

You love fruit snacks. You've even made a definitive ranking of the best brands. Scooby snacks were the clear winner, but hard to find at the grocery store sometimes.

When Scooby Snacks were unavailable, you went for Welch's. Mostly because they came in a 96 pack and three out of five flavors were pretty good.

Whenever you're feeling sad or upset in any way, your go to is a bag of fruit snacks.

There was one especially tough day when you opened the bag only for it to be full of only orange and grape.

You burst into tears in the kitchen.

All this to say, it's become very clear to everyone in the house that you always have fruit snacks hidden somewhere in the kitchen.

You used to keep them in your room, but then you started eating way too many, so you moved them to the kitchen.

You hid them because, although you were willing to share, nobody would ever tell you when they were taking the last bag.

There's nothing quite like the minor inconvenience of reaching into the box for a bag of fruit snacks, and then having it be empty. It really ruins a day.

So, when you went into the kitchen for a bag of fruit snacks, and all of your hiding places were empty, you were perturbed to say the least.

Bucky, Sam, and Steve were sitting around the island, watching as you looked in seemingly random cabinets and containers.

You huffed angrily, moving to check the one of the last spots they could be. It was you're holy grail of hiding places.

You opened the freezer drawer, pulling out a box of plant based burgers. Under that box was a another box, this time of sugar-free, dairy-free, fat-free ice cream bars.

You opened the ice cream bar box, tipping it over to empty the contents onto the counter.

The ice cream slid across the island, but no fruit snacks came out of the box.

You took a deep breath, trying not to scream. You really just needed fruit snacks right now, and there appeared to be none anywhere.

You refused to make eye contact with any of the guys, knowing it would set you off. Instead, you collected the nasty ice cream bars, dumping them into the trash.

ou really wished they tasted good, but apparently they aren't even useful for hiding your good snacks.

The three men all had their eyes on you, waiting for a reaction. You didn't know which one of them found all your fruit snacks, but you weren't going to give them the satisfaction.

If they wanted a prank war, so be it.

With tears in your eyes, you recycled the cardboard box. Then you finally turned to look at them, watching as their expressions quickly shifted into that of concern.

"I'm going to the store, do you need anything?" You stuttered through the question, trying to play up how upset you were. You waited a minute for one or more of them to answer, when nothing came you turned back toward the door.

"Y/N, what's wrong?" Bucky called as you reached the door.

Hook. Line. Sinker.

"It's just been a tough day. I- It's stupid. I'll see you guys later." You turned around again, walking slightly slower than normal.

Bucky jumped off his chair, running to stop you before you left the kitchen. It must have been his idea to eat all of your fruit snacks. He grabbed your should, spinning you around.

"It's not stupid if it's got you this upset. Talk to me, please?"

You waited a beat before pulling him into a long hug. You pretended to cry more, waiting for him to ask what was wrong again.

"Doll, what's got you so upset?" He rubbed your back, unaware of the devious smirk on your face.

You spoke into his chest, leaving your head buried there. "I just, everything is going wrong today. I woke up late, so Tony was annoyed with me. I spent 3 hours trying to fix this piece of tech, only to realize it wasn't working because it wasn't freaking plugged in. I had to rewrite my code for Redwing's updates four times because it kept getting deleted."

You whined as you listed the events of your day. It really was a shitty day, hence the need for fruit snacks.

"Then I dropped my lunch on the floor, so I just ate an apple. I stubbed my toe on the way to training, so it hurt the whole time. I spent ten minutes looking for my phone while I was using it to call someone. I stepped in a puddle, so now my socks are wet."

You took a deep breathe, really laying on the guilt for the last part.

"And when I went to get fruit snacks to cheer myself up, they were all gone."

You hugged him tighter before pulling away, wiping the fake tears from your face.

"So now I'm going to the store. Hopefully nothing else goes wrong because I don't know if I can take it." You leaned your head back, dramatically trying to get the tears to subside.

"Hey, it's okay." Bucky continued to rub your arms, trying to soothe you. "Why don't you go make some tea or something, and I'll go to the store for you?"

You gave him a small, watery smile. "You would do that for me?"

"Of course, Doll. Steve and Sam will come too." He glared at them over your head.

"You guys are the best." You gave them all a hug as they left the kitchen, smirking to yourself once they were gone.

"Y/N, we're back!" Sam called from the elevator, expecting you to still be in the kitchen.

The three men walked down the hall, stopping in their tracks when they saw you.

You were sitting on the couch, fruit snacks in hand, watching a movie with Nat and Wanda.

"What the hell?" Bucky looked between you and the fruit snacks in your hand.

"Where did you even get those?" Steve asked incredulously.

"Well, when the frozen fruit snacks are missing, I know I'm being punked." You smirked at them, laughing with Nat and Wanda.

"So- you..." Bucky trailed off, disbelief clouding his thought process.

"A few waterworks and you three were putty in my hands." You walked toward them, taking the grocery bag with the fruit snacks. "Thanks for the refill." You winked, walking past them into the kitchen.

They stood frozen in shock for a minute, before following you down the hall.

"But how did you know it was us?" Sam asked.

"Why else would the three of you be sitting on the bar stools at the island? You were 100% waiting for a meltdown that I never gave you." You smirked as you hid the bags in different cabinets.

"You never answered my question." Steve stated, still curious about your secret hiding place. "We looked everywhere for hidden fruit snacks."

You placed an arm on Bucky's shoulder as you jumped onto the island counter, unscrewing the top of the chandelier.

"Everywhere?" You questioned as you added a few bags to the compartment before screwing the lid back on. "I've got secret compartments all over the kitchen."

"Then why not just take one of those? Why send us to the store?" Sam asked, still incredulous that you got the three of them this badly.

"Well, I'm assuming you ate all the bags you did find?" You reached out, waiting for Bucky to help you down. He grabbed your waist, slowly lifting you setting you on the floor.

The three of them nodded.

"So I needed more." You shrugged, tossing the now empty box in the recycling as well.

"Was your day really that awful?" Bucky asked in a soft voice, feeling slightly used.

"It was." You smiled at him, moving to hug him again. "Thank you for caring. Honestly, it's really sweet." You kissed him on the cheek before turning to go back to your movie.

You couldn't stop yourself from calling one more thing over your shoulder as you left.

"This was round one boys, and I was only on the defensive. I'd say be prepared, but you'll never see me coming." You winked.

Part 2

Permanent taglist:

@averyhotchner

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky x you #bucky barnes #sam wilson #steve rogers #natasha romanoff #tony stark #wanda maximoff #marvel #marvel fic #mcu #avengers x reader #avengers x you #avengers x y/n

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lizacstuff · 3 years

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i'd love (if you'd like ofc) to hear your thoughts on episode 20 as a whole! i personally really really enjoyed it.. it had some very good moments not only between edser but between serkan and his dad and selin. and of course were serving that angsty, but flirty, UST that we all love! it felt like a weight was lifted off serkan and he just became even more open with her, if that makes sense? what he says to her about leaving in the latest fragman kinda shows that too.

Are you sure you want my full thoughts? Because I'm about to get long winded, like novel long winded, lol. To start off, on a superficial note, can I say that casually dressed, brooding Serkan was pretty hot? Hello, Sailor! Can we see you in pullovers and hoodies and T-shirts more often? But just happier? He was soooo sad in the opening scenes, and honestly, when you think about it, it's pretty dark that he was so messed up that he didn't leave the house or attend to any business matters for those couple of days. Very unlike him, but he's probably never been at this depth of despair before. Now, since pretty much everyone knows he wasn't leaving the house while Eda was gone, I hope someone (cough Melo cough) tells Eda, she should know that. On a similar note, Eda's friendship with the girls is so lovely. They're indeed her family. Interesting juxtaposition that she took refuge with her friends, while Serkan holed up and stayed away from everyone who cares about him.

I agree that once we got past the dark brooding and he had the talk with his mom about how if Eda was punishing him there was still hope, he was a lot lighter. I think finally being out from under the secret did him a world of good. He can finally stop pretending to be indifferent and can just be honest about how he feels. What the “Gitme” line in the fragman tells me, is that he’s ready to put it all out there. He’s not going to risk miscommunications or hurt feelings anymore. Which is amazing and should lead to great things in the next couple of episodes.

More under the cut (a lot more):

I absolutely agree about the scenes between Serkan and his dad and Serkan and Selin. The writing was really terrific and Kerem just knocked both of those scenes out of the park. Serkan's suppressed fury was palpable, and it was extremely cathartic to finally watch him let loose on both of them. The scene with his father went deeper in the family trauma and it was so interesting to hear Serkan say outright to both of them that the reason he moved onto the property was because Aydan couldn't leave and his dad was never there, and was never there for him as a father at all. Which we saw from the beginning when Alpteken was actually at the house but refused to attend his son's engagement party. Regardless of the fact that Serkan sprung Eda on them, not walking 50 feet to make an appearance at your son's engagement party is an asshole move. I wonder how long he's been cheating on Aydan? Years? It's interesting how she foreshadowed that revelation to Ayfer, like she knew.

Also I can't believe he was just cavorting around a luxury hotel in Istanbul. The whole Bolat family are obviously figures in the upscale social scene, anyone who knew Aydan or Serkan could have easily spotted him with that woman and gleefully spread the gossip back. Did he want to get caught? Jerkoff.

As for Selin, we been waitin' for that explosion since she sold her shares without telling Serkan! I like that Serkan was kind to her after Ferit left her at the altar, it spoke to him taking responsibility for the part he played in trying to manipulate her out of that relationship. However, she took advantage of the new, kinder Serkan (the one that exists courtesy of Eda) and went way too far into unstable territory. I, and many other people, were so confused about why Selin was so angry about uncovering the truth of the accident, like what right did she have to be that angry over it, to stomp over to his house, barge in uninvited and accuse him of being a liar at top decibel levels? Thank goodness the writing acknowledged that it was not her place, and that was the thing that enraged Serkan. They actually allowed him to say, "How dare you come to my house, and I don't owe you any explanations." Also, I'm glad he laid out his feelings for Eda, and his lack of feelings for her. Look... that is rough. Hearing from an ex that they never loved you. But how she could have been in any doubt, after seeing the changes in him since Eda is beyond my comprehension. She even said early on, It's like there's two Serkans, the one before you met Eda, and the one after. For whatever reason it's like she thought Eda could come in and affect him, and then she could step in and get the Serkan who was in love with Eda, not the rigid, cold one who was in a relationship of convenience with her. DELUSIONAL.

There was so much more about this episode I loved. It was nice to see Ayfer blossoming in her new business and getting a glimpse of Fifi's past. She comes from a society family, does she? I liked that Ferit helped them. I do agree that impressing Ceren was probably on his mind, but I like to think he's also just a nice man and he likes Ayfer and wanted to genuinely help as well. Interesting that we found out that Ferit's mom never liked Selin. Curious since you'd think she'd look great on paper, perhaps it was because of the speed at which they were moving, and I think she also stood them up, right? That made me like Ferit's mom a bit more than I otherwise would have.

Aydan was in her element getting back to her charity work, I loved the way she plotted to put her name forward for the leadership position. She's just so savvy. That's why I'm glad she's now TeamEda! Imagine what a formidable duo Eda and Adyan will make in this world, we saw a glimpse of it last week, but they'll be unstoppable!

The contract was a neat device. I really appreciate how it was used. One of the things that Eda feels like she can't trust is the way Serkan has tried to control her. As I've said before, I think he's really trying to control the situation. And while that doesn't really make a difference to Eda in this instance, it does make a difference to me as a viewer. If he were being controlling in the sense of trying to dictate what she says or who she is, that would be upsetting. But that's not it, he really loves her for who she is already and he's not trying to change that, he's just, as I said, trying to control the situation. We know that he likes to think everything through and always has a plan and in this instance he was just trying to protect her, but she's right that he can't do that in a relationship. Proving to her that he can cede control is important and that's exactly what the contract did. We saw him do it willingly and blindly and it was actually really beautiful. Obviously, the Serkan apology to Erdem was hilarious, but more than how much I enjoyed how funny it was, I enjoyed how delighted Eda was by it. She loved every minute of it and it was so nice to see her relax a minute and genuinely laugh both at and with Serkan. Additionally, I think she was pretty surprised that he'd followed through with it. Lots of layers to that scene.

The charity meeting he engineered was also pretty fun to watch. I loved how he calls Engin in to join them with no prep and then just expects Engin to reel off a bunch of good ideas for the girls education initiative. Good times. And Leyla rushing in to let him know that Melo had quit was hilarious, I love that Serkan was like "the whole situation is right here" meaning that Eda was in the room so whatever Leyla had to tell him could not possibly be important. Only Eda is important! LOL. Then Serkan doesn't even think before looping Engin in to go immediately hire Melo. You know what I hope this means!? That my crackship Mengin might actually sail!!!! LET'S DO THIS MENGIN!!!! Oh... I know, the show seems really committed to the mismatched duo of Engin/Peril, but I really think Engin and Melo are better suited to one another. And now maybe they'll get scenes together. Piril can dump him for being too... him, and Melo can help him pick up the pieces. They would be Serkan and Eda's big-hearted, teddybear couple friends!

Watching Eda blossom creatively and professionally while working with Serkan has been a joy. She doesn't stand in awe of him at all as a person, but she does a little professionally, and it's wonderful to see how no matter how angry she is with him or where they are in their relationship she always craves his feedback, takes in his critiques and suggestions, and basks in his praise. While she didn't want his help with her schoolwork, I can't help but wonder if he ever comes up at school. I mean she's in the tabloids with him, and since he's extremely relevant to the field of study, and specifically to that school since he built the library, do her classmates ask her about him? Or does she mention something she did or learned working at ArtLife while in class? Inquiring minds want to know.

As for Eda's resolve to keep things professional, that pretty much was DOA. She definitely challenged him to break the contract there in that room, and I think she actually wanted him to do it, though I’m not sure how she would have reacted. she wants him, but she wasn’t there yet. She knows resistance is futile, deep down she recognizes her own feelings and his and knows they'll never stay away from one another and it's only a matter-of-time, but I think she needs this. She needs for him to understand what it means to be in a relationship, she needs him to know that he can't make decisions without her, and she needs to be sure he's ready to be a partner. Thankfully, he made a lot of headway in demonstrating all of those things in this episode. He signed without reading, he was willing to do anything and everything she asked, and while he's still him (asking Leyla for intel) he respected her wishes while still being there for her in a real way throughout the episode.

Poor Eda fainting, but it's really romantic that he's always there to catch her. I assume this narcolepsy or whatever it is, like her claustrophobia, is related to the trauma around the retaining wall collapse and her parents' death. It was sweet the way he convinced her to let him be there when she met the contractor, and then during the confrontation he didn't intervene, he let Eda say what she needed to say and was there to move the guy along when it was time. He was pretty much perfect. I know we all NEEDED him to hug her, both Eda and Serkan NEEDED it as well, but she wasn't ready to ask for him yet and he was smart enough not to push it. But the loooooooooonging.

It's a small detail that she asked him to deal with the paps and he went home and set about doing just that. Hopefully whatever he was doing will lead to the revelation that Selin is the one who planted the story in the first place. I need that, we all need that. And just when you think it's too late at night, he does their "thing" and shows up at her place with Sirius. So dang sweet. I like that he was respecting her pretense about colleagues while at the same time just outright saying, "I'm worried about you. Are you okay?"

The next day's car ride left me in a puddle. Serkan just out there telling her that he would do anything for her. But he didn't push it on her, he waited until she asked. He did a great job of pacing himself through the episode. I find it so romantic that she told him that he couldn't watch her speech. If they were together and settled and happy, I'd think she'd want him front row, center, but in their current state he just affects her too much. She'd be focused on him, worried about what he thought, distracted by him, he just sends her mind whiring and her pulse racing.

Though, it's pretty telling and super sweet that the first thing she wants to know when he approaches her afterward is what he thought of the speech. Oh, Eda, you're not fooling anyone. His opinion is most important to you, pretty much in all things. This scene gives us something that rarely happens, Engin being tone deaf and not reading the room!! WTF was wrong with him? Interrupting like that? Dude knows that Serkan is in a situation here, you don't interrupt for really no reason like that! Get your head in the game, son! Your his wingman, you help, not hinder!

The way Eda blushed and looked pleased every time he complimented her this episode was something else. She's trying to keep emotional distance, and he's breaking the rules when he does it, but still it makes her day. She's never portrayed as a vain character, at all, so it's just so sweet how his words and his compliments affect her. No one else can make her feel like that.

Serkan was pretty sly in making his case as well. He gets her a bit mushy telling her she lights up the room and then brings up her speech and how it might apply to him. He was right in that she probably hasn't considered things from his perspective. How devastating it must have been for him to learn the truth. I want her to go back and piece together the timeline. She knew something wasn't right with him at the mall when she gave him the robot. Maybe it will help her deal with this if she realizes he had just learned the secret. She knew there was more to the story with the cut on his hand. Knowing he was so upset he put his hand through a coffee table might give her some perspective on his state of mind and why he acted the way he did. But mostly I want him to tell her he overheard her conversation with Ceren. I think it's important for them both to confront how things unraveled if only to help prevent future miscommunications.

Poor Eda having a good time using her powers of persuasion to tease Serkan into helping his mother only to find out that she had convinced him to auction himself off for a dinner date! I enjoyed her momentary discomfort at that. Welcome back, jealousy. Strictly work colleagues do not get jealous when one goes out to dinner with someone else, just saying, Eda. And that smooth bastard bid on himself so he could go out with her only. We should have known!

The conversation prior to the runway show was priceless, Eda's animosity and reserve sort of disappear and she's just unsure enough of what she's about to do that his reassurances are exactly what she needs. And how Kerem Bursin can blush on demand, I don't know, but Serkan be red during that conversation, lol.

I really loved all of Serkan's reactions as the ladies walked the runway. For Selin he was stone-faced and bored looking, for Fifi he gave a sly smirk as she passed as an acknowledgement of how different, and nice, she looked all cleaned up, Melo got the huge grin, we didn't really see Ceren since the camera was stuck on Ferit, but for Piril he gave her the fond, encouraging smile like he was proud of his friend. And then Eda. I don't even know what word to use for it. Enraptured? Dumsquizzled? Fuckstruck? Yes, let's go with fuckstruck. I'm not sure he remembered to breathe while she was walking, he was so affected by her. This boy has it bad for this girl, ya'll.

After that, the end was a punch in the gut. Our poor babies have been through so much, they really deserved to have that nice dinner. Damn you, Selin! Obviously this was a delaying tactic, because once they sat down to dinner, you know they would have worked it out, so we wait. But the reconciliation is coming, don't you worry. I'm feeling it within the next 2 episodes for sure.

#Sen Çal Kapımı #sen cal kapimi #edser #sck 1x20 #edser discussion #sck episode discussion #sckask #asklizac #anonymous #serkan bolat #eda yildiz

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fluffyunicornofdanger · 5 years

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Just What I Needed: Part Three

A/n: This takes place maybe a week or so after the second part and takes place in 1987, making Roger 38 and Axl 25. I had a little fun with the ending since this is the last part. I added the song I based the title off of at the end because I felt like it and yeah. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask and I hope y’all enjoy.

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Masterlist

Part one / Part two

Axl Rose x Reader / Roger Taylor x Reader

Summary: Y/n loved Roger but she knew he didn’t feel the same. Too busy with his wife and kids to love her in that way. But he was still possessive and she didn’t find out how much until she disregarded his feelings to sleep with a young, up and coming rock star, Axl Rose

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: Manipulative and possessive behavior, language

Axl did what Steven had suggested and called Roger. It pained him to do it, knowing how much the drummer had hurt Y/n, but there was nothing else he could do. He knew better than to wait for her to open up to him, she wasn’t going to do that. She wasn’t even going to think about doing that. And he knew the root of the problem was Roger, anyway.

So, he called the drummer and a week later the man flew in from London. Axl would have thought that it would have taken more convincing than it actually did. He thought that he’d have to beg Roger to come see what Y/n was upset about, seeing as how she’d dumped the guy. But once Y/n’s name was mentioned, Roger was down for anything.

And that is what lead to the two musicians to sit across from each other in the living room. Axl picked at the rip in his jeans while Roger’s eyes wandered around the room.

Axl’s house probably wasn’t nearly as bigger or fancy as Roger’s, but Roger had been topping charts for almost two decades. Axl couldn’t even claim a year to his name yet. He could tell that Roger was unimpressed by what he saw. Little was probably good enough for that man. He looked at the paintings on the wall, the lights hanging from the ceiling, and shook his head.

It blew Roger’s mind that Y/n would want to live in that house. The art was shit, his children could paint better and everything was all over the place. The colors didn’t match nor the furniture. It was any designers worst nightmare. If Y/n were in London, Roger would have offered her the best money could buy. The best house, one that some royal had build hundreds of years before, with priceless artwork hanging on the wall. Everything would be nice and neat, beautiful to the eye. But she hadn’t chosen that.

Instead, she chose a dump. How pitiful.

Y/n opened the front door and shrugged her jacket off. The boys were over from what she could tell as Duff’s car was parked outside. Yet, the house was silent. They were probably outside, hanging around the pool, she thought as she shut the door, careful of her nails which she’d just got done. Y/n walked through the kitchen, tossing her keys on the island, before entering the living.

She stopped in her tracks at what she saw. Her throat closed up and she tried to blink the sight away, but it wouldn’t vanish. It couldn’t be real, no it couldn’t. She’d probably had just inhaled too much of whatever chemicals were used on her nails. That was it, that’s what it had to be.

“I, um, will leave you two to talk,” Axl stated, standing from the couch. “I’ll be outside with the boys if you need anything,” he told her.

He looked at Y/n, making sure she was alright before he exited through the sliding glass door. Y/n did nothing but follow him with her eyes as he left. Sure enough, the boys were out by the pool, but it didn’t look like they were enjoying themselves.

Roger stood, his lips turning up into a small smile. “A-”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” Y/n stated firmly, interrupting him. She turned to him, her eyes cold. There was nothing she wanted to say to him.

The man huffed, running a hand through his hair. “Okay, that’s not fair. I flew all the way from London to make sure you were alright.”

“Really? You flew all the way out here for me?”

He nodded, glad that her tone was lightening up. She was starting to sound like the Y/n he used to know. The girl that would help him with his groceries, the girl that would go over lyrics with Freddie. The girl that he had fallen in love with months before.

She scoffed. Unbelievable. “Don’t lie to yourself, Roger. You didn’t come all this way to make sure I was fine. You came out here to see if you could get me to move back!”

Roger stared at her in disbelief. “That’s not true! Axl called me because he was worried about you! He said you were acting different and that I might know what’s going on!”

Y/n threw her head back in laughter. Of course, he knew what was going on, he caused it!

“What’s so funny?”

“What’s so funny?” she repeated his question. “This! This is funny, Roger. It’s funny that you act like you’re not the problem!”

It didn’t surprise her that he would think anything else was the problem. Roger was good at passing the blame on to someone else. In this case, it was Axl. Axl was the problem because Y/n wanted to be with him and not Roger. But the man could never say that. No. So, instead, he brought up every wrong that the singer had against him. Well, Y/n hoped he knew it didn’t work. Everyone fucked up every now and again. That’s how you grow, you make mistakes.

“I’m the problem!?!” He pointed at himself. “And not that child that gets high off of anything and everything?”

Y/n rolled her eyes. She felt like she was repeating herself, so she simply nodded.

“Unbelievable,” he muttered. “How am I the problem?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe you keep insisting that I don’t know what I’m doing and you’re treating me like a child! Oh, and guess what? You have your own kids that you can treat like children! You’re stressing me out, Roger! You are the one that is making me act weird and crazy and distant! You!”

“And he wouldn’t do the same eventually!?!” Roger asked venom in his words.

There was silence. Y/n couldn’t believe she was having this conversation again.

“Maybe if you come home, you won’t feel this way.”

She threw her arms in the arm in frustration. Was he crazy or something? Had he not been listening? She didn’t want to go home, go back to London. Going back to London meant he’d want her to work for Queen again. It meant that he’d always want to be around her. And she couldn’t do that, not again. Not when he didn’t even know a thing about her. He didn’t know that she’d been raised by her grandmother or ever been to the states before. He didn’t know that she couldn’t stand Jane Auston’s writing or Mark Twain. He didn’t know that she hated romance movies and that she loved old westerns. He didn’t know that because he never cared to. He never cared to know a thing about her.

But Axl did. Axl wanted to know all about her. He was willing to listen to all the things she had never told anyone before and in return, he did the same. Y/n felt, that around him, she could be herself. She could be open and wild and have fun. Nothing was holding her back when they were together.

And so if she went back to London, she would never feel that again. She would likely end up as Roger’s side hoe and be nothing more. He would only want to be able to claim her as his own, dragging her along to all the events that he was forced to attend. There would be no real, deep love with him. She would only ever hope that it would amount to that.

“Is this your way of making me chose between you and Axl?”

She knew that if she didn’t ask the question herself, he would.

Roger nodded, his blue eyes piercing into her.

Y/n took a deep breath, her answer already lined up. She’d known the answer to this question for some times now. “I don’t choose either of you.”

“That’s not an option!”

She raised her hand, hoping to stop him from saying anything else. “Yes, it is,” she said calmly. “I chose myself. I chose what I want, what I need, and what I think is best for me. And I just so happen to think that you’re not it.”

“Impossible,” he spat. “What can he offer you that I can’t?”

“Love, Roger, and freedom. He lets me do whatever the hell I want because I’m my own person,” she told him. “He doesn’t hold me back or act like he bought me. He treats me like a human being.”

The blonde was silent, not sure how to respond to that. He thought he’d given her everything she’d wanted, but clearly, he was wrong.

“Goodbye, Roger.”

Roger shook his head, not believing a word he’d heard and walk to the door. When the door slammed shut, Y/n breathed a sigh of relief.

She had never wanted to have that conversation, not one as deep as that. Y/n cared about Roger, she really did, and she didn’t want to hurt him. He could be controlling and manipulative, but she never wanted to bring that up because she never wanted to acknowledge that side of him. She wanted him to stay the fun, childish man that she had become friends with. Y/n wanted that mental image of him to stay that same, but nothing ever could.

Sighing, she walked outside, a bright smile on her face, and turned up the radio on her way over to the boys. Even if she’d hurt him, she was happy that she no longer had to worry about him breathing down her neck. She was finally free to do whatever the hell she wanted. And if that was with Axl then so be it.

I guess you’re just what I needed (Just what I needed)/ I needed someone to feed/ I guess you’re just what I needed (Just what I needed)/ I needed someone to bleed.

Y/n walked over to Axl, wrapping her arms around him.

“How’d it go?” he asked, smiling down at her.

She shrugged. It probably could have gonna a lot better, but that didn’t matter now. What matter now was that it was hot outside and she was still wearing pants.

“Did you punch him in the mouth?” Steven asked before Duff shoved him into the pool.

*~~*~~*

*Bouns*

“What do you think they're saying?” Slash asked, kicking his feet around in the water.

Axl shrugged. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know what the two were yelling at each other. He’d never seen Y/n yell before, get angry before, and he was just glad that he wasn’t the one she was yelling at.

“Pancakes.”

Everyone turned to Steven, who sat in a beach chair, to make sure he was serious.

Izzy raised a brow, “Pancakes? Are you sure?”

The blonde looked at them like they were crazy and nodded. “Ah, yeah, I can read lips.”

“And they’re yelling about pancakes?”

“Without a doubt.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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sexy-monster-fucker · 5 years

Text

Relating to Malachite’s Story of Abuse

People who have been following me for a while will know about my ex boyfriend who I left back in October after over a year of a relationship. I described the situation to you as being a relief that I was done. I was exhausted, I lost weight, I lost sleep. I was unhappy. But, at the same time, I was happy.

Allow me to take everyone back to the beginning of our relationship. I was two years younger than him, in High School when we met. I was young, and had just gotten out of a relationship with someone who has physically and emotionally abused me. Wounds were still fresh. I was still grieving. I was searching for the thing that had been preached to me in media my entire life: true love. I met him through theatre. My (former) best friend had brought him to practice because we were needing more male actors. (I had met him once before. At a football game. He was one of my close guy friends friend at the time. He was with his girlfriend. This was months before he would come into our auditorium.) My friend happened to be one of his exes (his first if I remember correctly), one he had fallen in love with. He was still hung up on her. Head over heals even though she was dating someone else. She used him. A lot. He was her toy. She would call crying over her boyfriend, he would answer and do anything to help her. Which sounds like a good friend. Until you realize she was calling him, asking him to buy her things. Begging for him to bring her “that thing she liked.” That is not friendship. That is abuse and manipulation.

Back to he and I. I remember being intrigued by the short guy who wondered in with my friend. I knew him. He had just got dumped by one of my middle school friends. She was still my friend at the time, but we were not close. (She and I still talk to this day. Very nice girl.) His ex (girlfriend at the time) and my best friend had came to my birthday party that past January. His ex (girlfriend at the time) had fallen asleep on my couch, snuggled up to a 4 ft tall Spider-Man plush I had with a party favor in her mouth. It was funny. We thought he would enjoy seeing his girlfriend like this. I asked if anyone knew his number. Of course. My best friend did. She had it memorized. So, I sent him the picture. She dumped him later in either February or March (around the same time I was in an abusive relationship much different than the one I am telling about). She had valid reasons for dumping him. Reasons I would soon learn about.

They sat in the corner together. He and my best friend. I was performing. He was new and sat in the audience to watch to learn. After practice, I introduced myself. I remember wearing his hat. He was a nerd. And so was I. I had no intention of dating him at the time. I barely knew him. Why would I consider that. He was fairly good looking (especially by my standards.) After practice that night, I called my best friend. We did this often. We called and talked on the phone. We were friends, it was nice to have someone to talk to. I was also recovering. I needed someone to talk to. I did not like where my mind went when I was alone at night. It was scary and I did not like scary things. She calmed me down. I do not recall her being abusive. Not until he got involved. I took a fancy to him towards the end of March. He had been in theatre for probably a month. He and I were friends. I remember him waiting outside with me one night for my grandma to pick me up. We were talking. We talked every chance we got. I remember us talking about continuing the conversation. He offered his phone number, and I accepted. Handing my phone over for him to plug his own number in. We smiled. My grandma pulled up to the curb shortly after that. We texted for quite sometime that night.

We continued this for about a month. I remember one night texting him, but then he went silent for almost three hours. I was worried. I did not know what was going on and I was not getting a response. Someone who usually texted back immediately was suddenly silent. I was young. It freaked me out. In the past when a boy I was texting went silent, it was short after him threatening to kill himself. Fear came with silence for me. I sat in my room, not wanting to bother him. “He has a job, he’s busy,” I would tell myself. I tried to calm myself like this often. Rationalizing helped. Even though sometimes it was not rational at all. He finally texted back and I sprung to my feet. “Hey.” I was so worried. And all I got was a “hey”? I would take what I could get. Turns out, my friend had been having boyfriend trouble again. So he talked to her. I texted her, as her best friend who was worried, asking her what was going on. She told me nothing was going on. She told me she was happier than ever. I told her about what he had said. She told me she just wanted to talk to him so she made it up. She knew he would talk to her if she was sad. It’s how she liked him. Feeling pity on her. I remember giggling with her about it. On the inside I knew what she was doing was wrong. But she was my best friend. I needed to support her. I now know that was wrong.

Skip forward a bit. It’s opening weekend of our play. He and I had gotten a lot closer. I finally broke down and told him about her intentions. He, of course, did not believe me. But, he knew her longer, so of course he would believe her over me. It did not bother me. Our delightful night talks were getting to a point of not being as delightful. They were becoming more and more erotic as we continued to talk into the night. I was still a virgin at the time. This was all new to me. Someone who, I thought, actually liked me showing interest in something like that was mind blowing. The last time my relationship had gotten sexual was with my abusive ex. He would often show me things on his body that I clearly was not comfortable seeing. Often during school he would put his hands on me, even though I expressed I did not want that. He violated me. But. He was my boyfriend. Maybe this is what having a boyfriend was like. I now know that is wrong. I remember feeling things I had never felt with this new boy. He made me feel like he wanted me in more than one way. He made me feel like he wanted us to be together. So. The Sunday of opening weekend, I let him have what he wanted from me. It was consensual. I will not lie in saying I was not as intrigued in him as he was in me. But. I was young and stupid. I thought he was wanting a relationship with me. He had asked me out over the phone the night before, so of course he wanted to be with me. Looking back, if he had truly wanted me sex would not have been the first (and sort of only) thing on his mind.

Our relationship was rocky from the start. The day after he had asked me out, one of our makeup artists - who is one of my good friends as well (she will also be super important later on, so remember her) - informs me that she had walked in on my best friend and my now boyfriend alone in the dark together in the dressing room. She told me he begged her “Don’t tell Hunter, please.” I did not think much of it. They were friends. I did not think he was doing anything crazy like that. I told him that him being close to her made me slightly uncomfortable. He understood and told me he would hold back on being so close to her. Compromise. It’s part of a relationship. I also told my best friend about how I felt. She told me she understood. She was getting a new phone number in the next couple of days and told me she would not give him the new number. Easy fix. Or so I thought.

Everything was fine for the next month. He met my parents and I met his in this time. I was happy with him. But that would soon change. He was over at my house one afternoon. We were spending time with my family, but my mom needed to go to bed because she had been working all day prior. So we decided to go outside to hangout with my little brother. It was getting dark and I knew his parents would be there soon. I told him I would go inside and check to see if his dad texted. But what I found was something worse. They were talking again. Planning to go behind my back to go out together. Hangout without telling me. Now, you have to understand. This was a big deal to me. Two people who I had been so close to were betraying me. It hurt. A lot. He came inside to check on me. I did not want to look at him. I ran outside. I was feeling overwhelmed and emotional. He saw what I was looking at on his phone and chased after me. He was trying to talk to me, but I did not want to listen. He had no excuse for what he was doing. He was just apologizing. I was angry and upset. It was so much. His dad pulled up in my driveway very shortly after that. I told him to go. He did not want to leave until he made it up to me. He never did. Really, I knew he did not. Once he got home, he texted me a long paragraph about how sorry he was. Telling me I was the only girl for him. Telling me how much he cared about me and how much he loved me. He blocked her on everything. Promised me he would not talk to her. I believed him and told him everything was fine.

This was only the beginning of his going behind my back. It seemed constant as we progressed. He was going on vacation with the woman he and his father lived with (who, to him, was his step mother even though his father and she never were romantic). I was happy he was getting to go out. He worked seven days a week. His parents were business owners, he had to help. I was going to miss him, of course. But I would never stop him from going. He arrived and told me he was having a good time. I was happy for him. But later that night, he texted me. His texts seemed off. I asked him what he was doing. He told me he was drinking. Let me go ahead and say, I am strongly against underage drinking. He promised me at the beginning of our relationship he would never do something like that. It was just something that made me uncomfortable (when I was young, one of my brother’s friends died while drinking. He and another person got into a fight while drunk and the other person hit him in the back of the head with a beer bottle. It killed him. It scarred me). I remember my heart sinking as I asked him if he was serious. He told me yes, but he did not see why that was a big deal. But it was to me. It bothered me and he knew that. I expressed this to him. He told me I was being dramatic. I grew angry. I called him on the phone. I asked him if he thought this was funny. He told me he had no idea what I was talking about. We got into a screaming match over the phone. This was not the way things should have been resolved, but that was what happened. I cried, he yelled. And vis versa. He told me he would stop. I knew better, but it was three in the morning and I was ready for it to stop.

Things were okay for the next little bit. It was a lot of small arguments. My parents told me that it was odd for two people to argue to me. I told them we were not really arguing. It was just how we talked to each other. That was, of course, a lie. But I did not want my parents to keep me from seeing the boy I was dating. I did not care how much we fought, I still loved him. My parents told me our relationship was too new for me to know if I loved him. I told them I did. Them telling me this was not going to stop me. Honestly, it fueled me to be with him and love him harder. I was stubborn and really did not care what my parents thought.

Skipping ahead to the next big event of abuse in our relationship. It was late November. We had been together since that past April. He had been being suspicious. I had a bad feeling something was going on. I had questioned him on it, he told me nothing was happening. I was smarter than that, but I let it go. I did that a lot, let things go. It was what I was good at. I was always good at letting it go. I was sitting at the lunch table when one of our makeup artists - the one I mentioned before - came up to me. “Hunter, I have to tell you something. You can’t get mad at me though,” she said. I was worried. I asked her what was up. She showed me something on her phone that still haunts me to this day. He had been sexting some fourteen year old girl. I felt my heart sink as I read the sexual oriented messages. They were in great details of the things he was going to do to her. I felt sick. It made me sick. He was supposed to be in a committed relationship with me. What he was doing was cheating. It is as simple as that. He was cheating on me. I did not hold it against our makeup artist for telling me. I was thankful she did. No one else would have. I stormed to the gym where he was, screaming. (According to my friends who were in that class, I used the word “fuck” four times in one sentence without them being back to back.) My friends say they have never seen me more angry/never been more afraid of me than that moment. I was furious. That is hands down of the most angry moments I have ever had. My emotions were high. There was so much going through my mind. I wanted answers. I demanded them. I screamed at him in the hallway. The gym teacher walked in, coming to class. He stopped and asked me if he could do anything to help, I told him no. I had it under control. So, we stood there. Screaming in the hallway. I wanted to know when this happened and what motive he had for doing it. I was shaking. I did not know who the boy standing in front of me was. This is not the boy I had fallen in love with and dedicated so much time to. I had given him so much. But all he did was take. Constantly. He was basically apologizing through the entire fight. But he did not feel remorse. He was upset he got caught. Our vice principal came up to us, asking what was going on. He did not begin crying until an adult came around. He did not want to look like the bad guy.

That night he told me details about how it happened. Telling me she had came where he worked with his friend (who might I add was trying to date the girl at the time. Convenient. A real betrayal of his friend), and given him her Snapchat. They began messaging back and forth. It led to talk of sex. He never owned up to sleeping with her, but I am smart enough to put two and two together. But. His motive is what stuck with me. Not the messages. Not the pictures that were exchanged. He told me that it was because I was not giving him enough attention. He told me that it was my fault he did it. He was acting out to get my attention back. The sad part is... I believed him. But. I did not want him to leave me. He was the boy I had fallen in love with. Him leaving would have ended my life. I could not live with out him. Despite everything...

I stayed.

We fought a lot from there on. I had trouble trusting him or anyone else from there forward. My paranoia was at an all time high. I pushed people away. I accused people of lying to me. I closed myself off from anyone and everyone, but him. I was loosing myself. I hate to admit it, but I lost myself entirely. There was no more friends. It was just he and I from there on. I dedicated myself to him. Because truly, I blamed myself for what had happened. I knew I was not perfect, but him telling me that was the nail in the coffin. I needed to win him back. I needed to give him all my attention. He needed to know that I loved him and only him. I wanted him to know he was all I wanted. I didn’t need friends if he was there. I spent all my time with him. If my friends invited me out, I told them I was busy. On the rare occasion that I decided to go, he would blow up my phone the entire time. Asking me if there were other boys there. Asking me where I was. Asking me why I was not responding. I was with my friends. I did not want to have to be worrying about him. But when he would go out, I did the exact same thing to him. I was paranoid. My actions were justified (to me) by the fact that the couple of times I did not question, he was doing something I would not approve of. We were both childish. It was stupid. We were supposed to have trust. That’s one of the biggest parts of a relationship. But. He broke my trust.

Time progressed and it seemed like we were doing better. There were small hiccups here and there, but I looked over them. We were in love, at least that’s what we thought. It was time for our one year anniversary. We were okay. He had not done anything for a while. We were content. But. Come to find out he was going behind my back yet again. This time it was something I was strongly against because I was allergic. He had started smoking and vaping behind my back. I found it on his phone. He had been texting someone (who he swore to me he had stopped texting) about vaping and smoking. I confronted him on it. He told me “He just thinks I have that stuff.” I am not stupid. I saw the messages. I told him to stop lying to me. He got mad and slammed his foot on the floor and screamed at me. Storming out. I had friends and co-stars around who thought he had just put his hands on me. I reassured them that he did not and went to follow him outside. My director reassured me and I explained to her what was going on. She calmed me down.

My boyfriend came back inside. I confronted him once more, but away from everyone else. He owned up to what he was doing. He told me it was, once again, partly my fault. He told me I did not engage him enough. He was bored of me. But he still loved me. He had done so much that my anger was not as ferocious as before. I was disappointed. He was crying, but I felt numb. So much had happened in the past that I was not surprised anymore. I was upset, a little angry, but mostly numb. I yelled. He hugged me. I felt nothing anymore. I forgave him once more. I went on like nothing happened. We had been together for a year. I was not just going to throw that away. It was stupid of me to stay. But I always stayed.

We spent the next of our year together. I worked with him at a firework stand for the 4th. We spent almost all our time together. But I could not help but feel like I was growing angry inside. I would sometimes look at him and not feel anything. I was not attracted to him. I felt like I was beginning to hate him. But I stayed. But my mental health began to grow worse.

It was bad. I was always angry. I took everything out on him. I will own up to that. He made me feel like I needed to. He made me feel like he deserved it. He had done so many things to me. Cheating, lying, manipulating, he had done it all. It was bad.

I began to grow less and less fond of him. He made me hate him and myself. I knew what I was doing to him was wrong. I also knew what he was doing was wrong too. He abused me. But I also abused him. Our abuse was going both ways. It may have never been physical, but our constant fights. His lashing out. My paranoia. His cheating. My obsession. It all began adding up more and more. It was not a romantic relationship anymore. It was staying together because we were both too scared to leave. Or for that matter, we both believed we were in love. Maybe that was love. He and I had grown up with not so perfect representations of what a healthy relationship was. My mom was constantly picking fights with my dad because her mental health was not (and still is not) the best (something she has still yet to have checked out). He grew up with an abusive father who constantly belittled him. His mother died when he was five, so he had no representation of a healthy relationship in his home either. So, to us, this all seemed normal. It was far from that.

I broke up with him in October. We were doing good at that point. But I had been telling myself it was only time before something else happened. I loved him. We had been together for almost two years. But I was falling out of love. We were on Facetime and I told him I thought we needed to break up for real this time. He was confused. He asked me why and I explained to him what was happening. He told me that he wished I did not want that. I told him we would be in limbo about it for a week to see how we felt afterward. I thought I missed him for that week. But I did not. I felt free. I felt like I was not sick anymore. I felt like I was not being held down. I told him I did not want to loose him completely from my life. I told him that we could try to be friends. So we did. But not a day did not go by that he did not confess his love for me and tell me how beautiful I was. I did not want this. I wanted him to be my friend. Not the boy who constantly pawned over me. I told him I needed him to stop messaging me. He did not want to. I asked and asked, until I could not ask anymore. I unadded him on all social media. Blocking him on sites such as this one.

I took months after that to love myself a little better. I had good friends. Theatre helped get my mind off things. My friends were happy I finally left. They told me they wished I had done it sooner. Some people were surprised. They asked me why. I told them I had been wanting to for a while, but could never bring myself to do it. I had spent a lot of time thinking about it before making the decision to leave. More time than I should have. But it takes different people different amount of time to do things. My time just happened to be longer than others. He still had some of my things in his possession of which I needed back. I told him I would stop by after practice and pick them up. I was scared to go alone. I really was. It had been a while since I had seen him in person. So, I took my (now) best friend with me. I had planned on taking her home that night anyway, so it was a simple way of having someone with me as a safety precaution. We pulled up to the place he worked and I messaged him that I was outside. He came out and looked disgusted to see that it was not just me, This did not bother me. My safety was my priority. He handed my things, but did not go back inside.

He fell to his knees at my window and asked me why I wanted to leave. I was embarrassed. I did not want this to be the interaction that was going to happen. I wanted to get my things and leave. He was begging. Begging me to take him back. I told him I did not want that.

He told me that things had gotten better between us. He told me he would be different this time. He told me he would do anything to have me back. He told me I was all he ever wanted. He told me he loved me. He told me how much time we had put into this and how it was silly to throw it away so fast and sudden. Which may have been true, but I did not feel the same way.

I told him he needed to move on. This was not healthy. I told him I was not interested in being romantically involved with him. He did not take this well. He screamed at me, telling me he would never move on. He stormed off and punched the wall outside of the building. He proceeded inside. Angry with me. It made me feel bad. I felt like I had hurt him. But that’s part of it. Part of moving past abuse may being upsetting people. He was not actually hurt. He was upset because he did not get his way. I know that now. That all those times he was upset and made me feel bad for wanting something different than him, it was because he was not getting his way. Not because he cared about me.

From that night on, I have only spoke to him twice. Both times to check on him. He sometimes texts my friends “checking on me.” He texted my best friend asking how I was. She told him I was doing great, telling him she and I were getting closer. He told her he just wanted me to be okay. I believe he was just checking to see if I was moving on. I was. Happily moving on. My mental health was slowly improving. I was talking to new people and getting myself out there. I was changing with my growth. It was making me happy. I was starting to like my life. I was making friends and talking to all sorts of people, who before I was not allowed to talk to because of him. I was happier than before. And that was one of the most important things.

Of course, my world was not perfect. Around Holiday season I fell into a deep depression. I was lonely. Sad. This was the time of year to be hanging out with the person you love. But at the same time, I felt numb. I could not feel joy anymore. I could not feel anything. I was empty. I thought I missed him, but I only missed the idea of him. Because I did not miss the abuse we both shared, but I did miss having someone to talk to every night. I missed seeing someone every day. I missed having a partner. But I still closed myself off. I did not want to let anyone in. I was texting someone (my now boyfriend) at the time. But anytime I thought of it furthering, I got frustrated with my thoughts. I got mad at myself for thinking anyone could love me. I did not deserve love. Who was I to deserve love? Every relationship I had failed. I was always the one to leave. But it was because all I did was push people away. I told myself I was crazy. Delusional. Pathetic. This was one of the lowest moments in my life. Suicide lingered over my head almost every night. I was alone and thought I should be alone forever. Lowest moment, by far.

This relationship took a tole on me. It made me not trust people. I still do not trust people. It made me paranoid of everyone around me. I cannot trust someone out of fear of them using me. I feel like everyone in the world is out to get me. I sometimes have nightmares. My past haunts me, but I would not undo it. It made me into a smart person who is better equipped to deal with trauma. Smart enough to (sometimes) tell if all someone is doing is using me. I still struggle with trust issues quite often. I struggle to let people in. I struggle to let people know about my problems. I grew accustom to holding all my feelings inside and not letting anyone know what is wrong. I am growing. Learning. Allowing more people to love me. Allowing myself to love other people. It has been a real struggle for me. But I am doing better.

It has been over half a year since leaving the abuse. I am doing better. I am in love with someone who does not abuse me. Someone who actually cares about me. He and I are happy. I have never been as happy as I am now. He does everything in his power to make me know I love him. He is amazing. I could not ask for more.

I am telling you all this to help you know that you do not owe anyone anything. You do not owe your partner sex. You do not owe them every waking second of your day. All you owe them is faith. Being faithful to the person you are with. If cheating ever crosses your mind, maybe it’s time to rethink your relationship. It’s better to leave someone than cheat on them. Be the bigger person and own up to your thoughts. You can never come back from cheating. It will forever taint someone’s image of you. If you are being abused, please be strong. I know how hard it is to leave. But your health and safety are more important than any relationship. Please take care of yourself. You are the only one of you out there. Remember that.

Remember, I am always here to talk. I will help anyone who needs it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s not weakness to ask for help. It’s quite possibly one of the strongest things you can do.

If you stuck around until the ending, thank you. I appreciate you reading. Thank you for stopping by.

~ Love, Hunter.

#hunter mumbles #steven universe #malachite #story time #my story #past #relationships #abuse #awareness

24 notes · View notes

marvelhead17 · 5 years

Text

Miracle (Original Female Character x Cable Fic)

Chapter 7

Summary: “How did you fix it?” he asked. “Ask Ellen the Teenage Warhead,” Wade shrugged as he stood up, “As for baby Hitler he ended up having a diaper change, funny story I was actually going to call Cable since he was so keen on killing Russel, I thought this would be like taking candy from a baby, if that means replacing it with a bullet that is,”

Warnings to cover the whole fic: Graphic depictions of violence, use of weapons, mild to strong language, mentions of rape, mentions of pregnancy and miscarriage, referenced torture and psychological abuse/manipulation, nightmares and night terrors, sexual humour, sexual content.

Word count: 1.3k

“Escaped? From jail?”

“More like a Prisoner of War camp, that’s part of why I haven’t been sleeping, the nightmares,” she looked away from him.

“You’re not the only one having nightmares,” he admitted, the teddy bear stared her down in the corner of her eye; she reached for it and handed it to him.

“You should take this back, give it to your daughter when you see her again,” he held it and stared at it.

“If I see her again,” he cleared his throat, “I used the last of my fuel, might be stuck here for the rest of my days if I don’t find a way to fix the problem,”

“Oh, right,” she paused, “Thanks for going back to save Wade, I honestly don’t know what I would have done if he was really gone for good.”

“Don’t mention it,” he stood up with the bear in his hand, “Come on, let’s get some breakfast in before Wade’s arms heal, it’d be nice to have a peaceful meal for once.”

“I’ll be down in a minute,” he nodded and left, she turned to search her room for her phone.

Oh that’s right it must still be downstairs.

She put on a light jacket before making her way downstairs to stop dead in her tracks as she saw Wade sitting on the couch with her phone in his already healed hands.

“What the shit do you think you’re doing Wade?” she ran to take back her phone, he dodged and chuckled.

“Nothing illegal, well if this were Amsterdam I mean,”

She whacked him on the head with a pillow which made him drop the phone in surprise and then she picked it up, “OH GOD! WADE!” before dropping it to the floor again, Nathan crooked his brow from his seat at the breakfast nook.

“It’s just porn Hayden c’mon, I’m sure you’ve seen porn,”

“That’s a gross violation of someone else’s property.” Nathan said before taking a swig from a protein shake he had made.

She picked up the phone again slowly and frowned, turning the device in her hands, “Why is it sticky- OH YOU DIDN’T!” she glared at him. “Phone sex doesn’t mean having sex with the phone Wade!” she threw the phone at his head. “Keep it, that’s disgusting, I need to wash my hands with bleach now.” She grabbed the bleach from the kitchen cupboard and began scrubbing her hands furiously, Nathan shook his head at Wade.

“Well I’ve learned something new today, how about you kids?” Wade beamed as he picked the phone up and pocketed it.

“You’re disgusting.” Nathan remarked as he took another sip of his shake.

“If you think that’s disgusting, what will you think if I told you that I once used your protein shake bottle as a makeshift flesh-light,” he said, “Boy was that a good night.” He sighed happily.

Nathan choked and spat the liquid food that was in his mouth all over the counter, Wade bent over clutching his stomach with laughter, Nathan glared at him and his cyborg eye glowed brightly.

“Turns out Hell is real, and I’ve brought it here for you!” he clapped his hands, “Stay in school kids,” Wade added seriously in the direction of an empty space.

“If, God forbid, if God exists, he allowed a son of a bitch like you to live so long as you have Wade Wilson, I should have left your sorry ass to die.” Nathan growled.

“Why yes I do exist, as witnessed by the handiwork you two have personally experienced,”

Hayden dried her hands off and shook her head at Wade. “I’m revoking your status as Honorary Brother, you’ve gone too far with the,” she shivered, “-flesh-light.”

“What? No fair! That’s not even the worst of what I could have done!” he whined.

“Did you wash the bottle after you abused it like you did?” she asked already knowing what the answer may be.

“Does water count?”

“Jesus.” Nathan threw the bottle into the bin and his face was in full contempt for Wade.

“Wade water doesn’t- you know what never mind that- I stand by my decision and you can’t change my mind,” she said before leaving the room.

Nathan left so that he could wash out his mouth and mentally bleach out the images of Wade and his protein shake bottle in his mind.

After getting her music transferred to a brand new phone courtesy of Negasonic, Hayden sat happily on the couch and listen to her music, Nathan was sitting and reading a ‘Guns and Ammo’ magazine on the opposite facing couch after he had thoroughly (for a good thirty minutes of gargling and using a full bottle of mouth wash) cleaned his mouth of ‘Wade’.

The silence was anything but uncomfortable, in fact both were content with each other’s company, cue Wade Wilson entering the room carrying a large and fully loaded cardboard box before dumping it loudly onto the centre coffee table startling the two of them.

“What are you up to now asshole?” Cable sighed.

“Well that’s rude Mr Potty-mouth considering I come bearing gifts!” he announced eagerly. “Heh, come.” Nathan shook his head.

Hayden removed her earphones and sat to attention, “What’s all this?”

“Gifts!” he grinned.

“I don’t trust him,” Nathan spoke.

“Neither do I,” she agreed.

“Aw come on you guys! I’m not always bad,” he started to dig through the box, “Here, I’ll prove it-”

“Wade I see what you’re doing, and whatever you think you have in there to sweeten me up is not going to work, do you understand?” Hayden said.

“But I got you a box load of your favourite chocolates!” Wade panicked and showed her the box before putting it next to her, he kneeled next to her, “I got you microwave popcorn, the extra butter kind that you love!” he looked genuinely upset.

“That doesn’t matter Wade, you can still be my friend but you’ve lost your title as ‘Honorary Brother’ for good. What you did to Cable was absolutely indecent, and it’s embarrassing for me to try and cover for your behaviour, especially when it gets to this level,” she crossed her arms which only made Wade lower his head.

“I guess I’ll just give these and go,” he said before he pulled out a smaller box and handed it to Nathan who eyed it suspiciously, “Just take it Arnold,” Wade rolled his eyes.

Nathan slowly opened the box and pulled one of the items out, “A new set of protein shake bottles?”

“Yes to replace the one that I- let’s say horribly ruined and leave it at that shall we?” he clapped his hands together.

“Why?”

“Because I’m nice!” he pretended to sound offended. “Oh and I almost forgot,” he grabbed a container and handed it to Nathan glumly. “A month’s supply of protein powder to go with it.”

“Wow, that’s- actually decent of you Wade,” Nathan looked at the two gifts before him.

“And I’m sorry,” he said in a mock Canadian accent before coughing after seeing Hayden’s expression, “I mean, I apologise for my actions, they were wrong and disgusting. I hope you enjoy your new role that Haydes is probably going to hand to you now-”

“Wade,” Hayden wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly before letting him go, “You’re an idiot, you think I was really going to remove your title?” Nathan frowned.

“You- you weren’t?” he sounded hopeful and his eyes lit up.

“No, I would never replace you, you damn moron,” she shoved his shoulder playfully before laughing, “I just wanted you to apologise to Nathan for being a major prick, I knew you’d replace his stuff if you thought you lost your title.” She smirked.

“You scheming little-” he smiled, “You’re definitely my sister.” He ruffled her hair and they both grinned.

Nathan wasn’t quite over what Wade had done, given he drank from something Wade contaminated with his DNA, but he was glad that at least he would have Hayden nearby to control Wade’s wild tendencies, hopefully for a long time.

________________________________________________________________

>> Chapter 8 <<

#cable #nathan summers #nathan summers x oc #cable x oc #colossus #piotr rasputin #original character #hayden jones #russell collins #fire fist #marvel #marvel fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #writing #wade wilson #deadpool #deadpool 2

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grief-is-a-noun · 4 years

Text

ode to the ex-boyfriend

I’ve never written about jake before, in a manner where i really gave myself time to sort out the way that i feel about him. When I broke up with him I was the happiest girl on the planet. I was finally free. Free from all his lies, his manipulative tendencies, his apparent and utterly dominant abuse. I don’t care what anyone says. I don’t care what anyone thinks that they know. He told me once he loved me so much because i was the only one who really knew him. I was the only one who actually saw him for who he was and he was right. I was the only one that saw him for the monster that he really is. He said I was the only person he didn’t have a surfaced relationship with. I’m sure he held onto me because it was exhausting being the fake “mr. nice guy”. He takes after his father. I remember coming over one weekend all three days (friday,saturday, and sunday) and his parents were fighting. I asked jake if everything was okay and he said his father is “irritated” at his mother because she suggested that he should’ve taken a different tone when speaking to the technical support guy on the phone. Can you believe that shit? Like ok, it doesn’t matter that there are children being sex trafficked, people who are homeless, injustice happening everywhere in the world, i’m going to waste my energy on being upset at my wife because my life is all about fucking me and how irate i get once i’m slightly inconvenienced. Not like I believe in the bible or anything that is the pinnacle calling for living a selfless life. I believe jakes mother has been mentally abused by mr. mcfaul her entire life, but she feels obligated toward him because in some cynical dark way she contributes her faith to him. In her mind, perhaps, she believes he is the one that kept her aligned with God. she needs to give herself more credit. Mr. mcfaul was always a nice man to me, he never did anything to hurt me but he failed to teach his son the proper way to take care of a woman and for that a part of me resents him. I honestly feel bad for him because when I look at him I see a man who doesn’t know how to emotionally connect with his children and never learned his lessons, always heading for complacency. Instead he instilled fear in his children that resulted in them becoming judgemental perfectionists. a lost cause, if you will.

I wrote previously that i was the happiest girl in the world when i broke up with jake and i was. No more comments about how we were going to move to idaho or how he would rather me stay home with the kids and be a housewife than pursue a degree. I couldn’t bask in the fact that I am an educated woman with an actual functioning brain. Don’t get me wrong, there is NO hate for housewives here, women should be able to choose whatever life they want to live, however, jake started our relationship with the will to change me. That's why I wholeheartedly believe I didn't break his heart, I broke his pride. Who am I kidding, I'm too fiercely independent to just be a housewife. I can simultaneously be a housewife, a good mom, and a working woman. I can contribute because I have always been able to handle my shit, he didn’t want to see it like that because my independence was a threat, it meant a lack of dependence on him. Without dependence, it is easy to leave, or so he thought. It's funny how that fear played into our relationship. He always “bragged” about the fact that he had broken up with every girl he had ever been with and although i did not go into this relationship planning on leaving him, I know subconsciously my mind was like “bet”. I can be toxic like that. He was sweet at first, he did strive to take care of me but he got too comfortable with my eagerness to forgive him until he finally reached a point where he didn’t care anymore. I tried everything, i sought out a mentor for him, i booked us counseling sessions, i fucking tried. Even though I was unhappy I held onto the good. I do that. I fight for the reason why I started. I hold onto the good for as long as I can and then when i cannot psychologically handle it anymore I hone in on all the bad shit and that’s what makes it so easy to leave.

I could probably write a whole novel on the abusive things he did. How he made me feel crazy for believing his girl best friend had feelings for him even though she openly admitted that she did in the past. I knew they were still there. How he held a secret meeting with her while we were dating to apologize on my behalf for how crazy my accusations were and that he wanted to get the “full story” on how I approached her because we both had two very different versions of what happened. How when i found out months later that this meeting occurred he shut me down and told me i had no right to be upset at him because it was in the past and he wouldn't do something like that now. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I should have dumped him right then and there. My only regret is not leaving his ass sooner. I still remember the apathetic tone he took with me outside that fucking in n out in Westlake. I've written before how I was like a robot to him and he just shut my emotions on and off when he pleased. He negated any feeling I had that posed to him as an inconvenience and how I feel about him is the closest thing I've ever felt to hate. Jake, you made me feel crazy. Ironically enough though not two months after we broke up is when he finally apologized to me because said girl best friend tried to get at him, again. I knew he didn’t like her in that way, jake likes girls with at least half a brain and to be honest it would be more interesting talking to a door knob than participating in a conversation with her. But it wasn’t about the way she felt. It was about the way she looked at me when he wasn’t looking. How i was uncomfortable that she would always try to brush up next to him or take my seat by his side and everyone was secretly rooting for them. Jake, you moved to idaho to get over me and start over and she fucking moved there too. God, a part of me hopes you guys get married. She's too mindless to receive any of your abuse, she will do whatever you say without a fight and utmost willingness. But I know you don’t like that, I know you prefer a fight because it makes you feel powerful, having someone you can control. I’m just thankful I recognized this, and made it out alive.

Here’s the thing about assholes, it's no secret i don’t like the nicest men if i do i get bored and then leave. Jared was an outstanding guy, he met the love of his life after i broke up with him and we check in with each other once a year or so. I have him and his girlfriend on Instagram and I'll like or comment on their pictures. I sometimes DM his girlfriend, she replies to my stories or mine to hers. Jared talks to my brother a couple times a month too. My dad and brother both really miss him. I lived with Jared for a time and he with me. We were family. The dynamic we have created is healthy and I'm happy for him. Matt on the other hand, definitely resents me. He goes through stages of blocking me then unblocking me but i don’t really care. I wrote him a letter apologizing back in 2017 and we are on ok terms. I know it's his girlfriend that doesn’t want us to be friends but I support that. I get it. He has been dating her for almost three years and I really do hope they get married. My first love has been the hardest to get on good terms with, it took 5 years. The last time I talked to Kyle was actually a few days ago. I had a question to ask him and he responded but I never texted him back. I don’t know why I’m like this. Last time I saw him was on Labor Day when he, Jadyn, and I all went to the beach after he got off work. We talked about the ocean, music, snowboarding, surfing, you know, miniscule bullshit. It was that night I finally realized I was over him. I don’t talk about him much anymore, he was my first love, that is all i have to say. We are strangers to each other now and I can only hope he likes the person he has become but I don’t know him anymore. The boy I loved is gone. It took five years of rumors among others and silence between us for me to realize we are adults, we are different people. I know we will never be friends but it’s cool that we are cordial. I will go on counting him as the first love of my life, he will go on counting me as his biggest regret, and for both, I am not sorry. Well where was I? Oh that's right, assholes. You see, Jake is the kind of asshole you want to run from. Hop on a plane and fly a million miles away. Logan is the kind of asshole you can empathize with. Jake hasn’t been through one difficult thing in his life. He is almost 26, still living with his parents (now living with them in a different state), never finished school, too prideful to put in the work, and still to this day, always taking the easy way out. He hated the fact that i made more money than him, that i paid for most (if not all) of our dinners and trips, that i had direction in my life and he didn’t. He resented me for taking care of him but I still did it anyways. That’s when you do when you’re in a relationship, it's a team effort, 50/50. I don’t see it any other way. Jake hated people with trauma or emotions. He couldn’t empathize with them. He wanted to just turn away any hardship because it made him feel uncomfortable. He hated things that challenged him, hated what he didn’t understand. This is why Jake is the bad kind of asshole. Then you have someone like Logan. Logan is confused, as we all are. And although he doesn’t like the thought of being vulnerable there’s layers to that. Reasons why. He has depth. The difference here is that when my nana died and i asked jake to leave “work” (which was him sitting at his fucking computer practicing coding or playing video games) he said he didn’t want too, on god. Added that he didn’t get why i was so sad over my nana dying when we weren’t even that “close.” i think that's when i began to resent him, took me way too fucking long. Jake didn’t want to care about me, hell, he didn’t even listen to me. If he had, he would have known my nana left everything to me and she always wrote that I was her favorite grandchild. If I really needed Logan, I knew he would be there for me. Hell, I called him in the middle of the night and asked him to pick me up in the morning to give me a ride to simi and he didn't even ask why, he just came. Not only that but he was dropping me off at a protest and the march wasn’t something he believed in, as beneficial to society, but he still took me there anyways. I know that, even now, if something really bad ever happened to me and I asked Logan to be there, he would. That is a reflection of his character that goes far beyond circumstance. I know i'm not special, I believe he’d do that for anyone he cares about because he is a good person. So ya, i put up with his impulsive petty bullshit because we all have impulsive and petty bullshit we do. However, when worst comes to worst and you're really in the thick of it, you need people that you know you can always count on. I might’ve lost that side of Logan because of my mistakes. I know he played a role in how badly things ended between us which he apologized for. I can be too sensitive sometimes and I think my lack of understanding of him fogged my judgement, actually I know it did. I mean, fuck, all three of us could’ve played a healthier role in that situation. After I broke up with Jake he’d ask me to get coffee or go out to lunch every once in a while and I agreed (why? Couldn’t tell you). I used to just cry about the whole situation with Logan and it made Jake so angry. He would tell me he hated the way I cared so much about him. How i never cried over him like that and didn’t understand why losing Logan hurt so bad. Well, it hurt so bad because I was subconsciously lying to myself about the fact that I was in love with him; but even looking beyond the way I felt it hurt so much because Logan is a one in a million kind of person, Jake is just your everyday plain old asshole. My god do I hope that he changes. He definitely needs to seek therapy before entering another relationship, I really just want what's best for him.

So, ode to the ex boyfriend. I know, not your typical 14 lined, iambic pentameter, sonnet. But here is to the man that wouldn’t kiss me when i took him to new york for my birthday because he wanted me to be just as miserable as he was (he hated cities), who told me it was my obligation to stay with him after i left because i slept with him and that meant we were already married, who told me i couldn’t pray over him because i didn’t grow up in the ideal Christian home, (my family is fucked but at least we are real, i love them) the man who lied to me, the man who went behind my back, the man who made me want to so desperately drive my car off the road. To the man who made me reach my breaking point. realizing our relationship was a choice of life or death, here’s to him.

I’m sorry i didn’t love you and i’m sorry i didn’t leave you sooner. I’m sorry i bought into your comfortability with putting a fake persona into the world and made our life together look perfect on instagram. I'm sorry it took me leaving you in order for you to buy a ring and by that time it was too late. I'm sorry that if we did get married and our relationship got worse I would've killed myself before I would've left you. I’m sorry I don’t believe in divorce. The bones in my body don’t ever ache for vengeance because I simply do not care enough. I’m sorry that you thought I was a fighter. I’m sorry because I'm simultaneously not sorry at all. I wish you the very best and if there is one thing I ask of you, it's that you don’t treat the next girl you pursue the way you treated me. Listen to her. Love her. Put her before yourself. Allow her to love herself for who she wants to be, not who you want to make her. I’m glad I broke myself, then broke you, in hopes you’d learn not to break her one day. Good luck to you.

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eatthefoodtinaaa · 7 years

Text

Your friends are who you become: I hated myself.

It’s awkward when people still ask me if we’re still friends. I smile politely and say we don’t see each other anymore and that we had a falling out.

It’s a simple yet complicated thing to explain. Things weren’t always like this. I thought your bad-girl, devil-may-care, sarcastic attitude was cool. I liked that within our little group I discovered a wild side to me that I never found with any other group of friends. I knew I was the “goody two shoes” out of the group, and for once in my life it felt nice to have a taste of what it was like to be not so good. On top of that, I felt like I had gained another friend close enough to tell everything to. We broke down those initial barriers of budding friendship very quickly and allowed ourselves to be as raw, candid, obscene, and blunt as we wanted with each other.

But when you get too close to people, you can lose yourself, who you are, and who you want to be. It really is true when people say, “You are who you hang out with.” Every day it was phone calls, texts, adventures, hanging out – all good things. But in addition to that: gossiping, heavily judging others, an appreciation for drinking, and celebrating promiscuity among other things. I gave you part of my positivity and took part of your negativity. I started ditching classes to hang out with our group of friends, especially you. I felt like I was care free. But other people close to me saw it as something different. My family and other friends noticed I had become ruder and meaner, had more of a bad attitude, had formed destructive relationships – friendships included – and was on a harmful path. Just to fit in with our crowd – to fit in with you.

I felt like I was an actual Mean Girl. And I was tired and ashamed. Funny, how once upon a time that was the name we chose for ourselves and took pride in.

I started to hate how I was acting. Hated how things were turning south. Among a few of the things I hated out of many...

I hated how I disrespected my family by starting to talk back like you and missing out on my favorite little cousins birthday parties just because you both had the same birthday. How you pushed for us to spend time together on those occasions, while being inconsiderate of my family priorities. Meanwhile, I had to explain to my cousin and to my godmother that I was spending that day somewhere else and why, regretting not going, and wishing I was spending time with my family instead of being surrounded by a bunch of drunk idiots.

I hated how I was manipulated into trying to date your ex-boyfriend. To be fair it was a bad call to have swiped “yes” on him on Tinder, but I thought it would be a hilarious joke, and it was never my attempt to date him anyway. Meathead is definitely not my type. But when you pushed me to actually try and date him, called it karma, and I went against my gut and did, it blew up in my face like how I initially thought it would. Emotionally dejected and drained, I thought “how could I have let it get this far? What made me want to do this, if I never even want him in the first place?” I listened to the devil on my shoulder. First, you can’t call it “karma” by saying you’re doing me a favor by pushing this because I pushed you two together in the beginning. Not when you were already dating and having sex with him, before I even met him. You even gave me tips on how to have sex with him and told other mutual acquaintances that I was trying to get in his pants, even though you knew I thought that was gross. Second, a real friend wouldn’t push you to go out with someone like that, especially their ex-boyfriend. Not when they call basically every week, unintelligibly sobbing on the phone about something he did, when there was always threat of a break-up, suspicion of cheating, and whatever the hell else you two argued about. Not when it was rationalized that, “He was a really shitty boyfriend to me, but I know he’ll be a good real first boyfriend for you” “I don’t want you to be alone” “I just want you to be happy”. So honestly, how dare you go around telling people I sabotaged your relationship to get to him, when you dumped him, were already screwing someone else, threw out all his stuff, and started scheming to put us together. Third, you never really wanted me to be happy. I thought it was abnormal, nearly psychotic, when you would excitedly get ideas about us double dating and doing things together as a group. Within the few weeks after that incident, I slowly came to realize you just wanted to indirectly keep him in your life, knowing he’d be safe in my hands, regardless of my emotional safety. The thought was even more justified upon you finding out he had new S/O’s even though you’d been with the new “love of your life” for nearly a year. “I need to know who she is! Help me dig up stuff on her! It’s not fair that he’s moved on to another girlfriend right away!”... Thirsty much?

I hated that I felt like I could no longer trust you with anything. Gossiping is fun, but not when it’s about you. I found this out too late, when I saw mutual acquaintances that asked me about problems that I had only told you. But it’s something I should have expected, knowing things that had nothing to do with me, like:

· “-------- has been talking to guys behind -------’s back.”

· “I think --- is secretly gay and will never get a girlfriend because he told me he once sucked dick with his friend.”

· “------- raped -------.” Literally told to me within 24 hours that she told you what happened to her.

“But I feel like these are all things you should know because we’re all friends.”

Excuse me if I don’t want my dirty laundry out there like everyone else. I can’t use gossip as a friendship facilitator the way that you do. “He, who gossips with you, gossips about you,” right? Those people told you secrets in confidence, and you stabbed them in the back. How could I ever think that you wouldn’t do the same to me?

And what I hated most of all is how you would basically put me on blast, as if I was the bad friend, if I wasn’t at your beck and call, but you couldn’t drop things for me. It was irritating how you put me on blast via text, Twitter, and Facebook if I didn’t call or text back, never mind the fact that I would be at school in the middle of a test, at a job that actually required me to work and not have the luxury of being able to talk on the phone, or with my family on the few times I would get to see them. Whining if I couldn’t hang out with you that day because I had things to do. Complaining to the internet that you basically have no friends and that no one pays attention to you if I don’t respond right away. Being upset if I was prioritizing things above “do you want to start a pretend fight with me on Twitter for fun?” or nagging me several times throughout the week on how to incorporate your new boyfriend’s last name on your new Instagram name. I, on the other hand, kept things to myself and tried to be considerate of your time because I know you’re always busy. It’s as if for some reason you expected my world to revolve around you.

And all the time not reciprocated? I made time for you. Came to hang out with you after school, before work, even bailed on school, bailed on my cousin’s birthdays, answered your calls near two in the morning. When you went somewhere cool without me the response was something like “oh that’s nice, hope you had fun.” But you? Never could make it to my birthdays (or even remember it without a Facebook notification), shows, or hangouts in general that I planned, but seemed to be able to drop things to hang out with everyone else. When I went somewhere, I was left with “I’ve never been there”, “You never take me anywhere”, and “TFTI” all over my comments section. You never fail to make everything about you. In addition to that, on more than several occasions, you made an effort to let me know that I was the annoying, problematic friend, and still have the audacity to call me your best friend.

I wanted to opt out of being your friend way more times than you know. Even though you’re a difficult person and are sometimes even proud of it, I tried to be loyal and stay. I’m sure you have plenty of bad things to say about me, but I don’t really care. You play the victim card very well and act like you were completely innocent, as if your behavior didn’t push me to leave. Even after leaving I have never known anyone so eager to throw me under the bus, lie about me, and spread rumors about me just to make sure your rep as a victim stays squeaky clean instead of being accountable for your own actions. You will most likely deny everything you ever did to me or to anyone else for that matter, and it really is a good thing I cut you off when I did. Who knows how much worse off I’d be now, if I continued to be friends with you. But know this: I do not write these things to say that I am better than you, but because by the end of this friendship I was left more annoyed than happy, more hurt than angry, more tired than inspired, and just overall burnt out on your slowly increasing, demanding grip on my attention. I was tired of trying to defend you when people close to me knew how you treated me and others. This friendship was a dying one that I finally outgrew.

Like I said, things weren’t always like this. There were good times, and sometimes on the extremely rare occasion, I wish there were presently more of them. But you taught me an important lesson. You taught me from then on how I should and shouldn’t treat friends, and what type of friendships I am deserving of.

Yet, there is one thing I will be forever sorry for. I am sorry for leaving, for making you feel like you weren’t worth the explanation, for making you feel like you were unlovable, and for not putting the effort in trying to fix things with you. I’ve been on the same end of that stick and it hurt like hell. It hurt me to leave you behind, but I know it must have hurt you even more. I should have known better than to wound you like that. Of these things I am certainly guilty of.

I know that things can never be the same. However, even though this was one of the most toxic and detrimental friendships I’ve ever had, there are several things I hope for you.

I hope you find your own path, even if you feel like it’s taking you a long time. I hope you develop positive, loving friendships with other people. I hope you are kind and considerate to others. I hope whatever wounds and brokenness in your family are mended. I hope you grow as a person. Most of all, I hope you learn to love yourself. I hope you learn to love yourself when it seems like the world or people like me are against you, when you feel lonely in the midst of your current friends, when you’re feeling neglected by a significant other, or put down by your family. I hope you see value and strength in yourself when depression and anxiety try to cripple you. I hope for all these things and more for you, even though I won’t be there to watch you achieve them all.

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asdklgkgluck · 6 years

Text

okay hi first rant post on this blog but i have a lot of feelings and emotions and stuff to just type out all over the place.

so first off, i really want to be drunk or high right now. i know how fucked that is and i know how stupid it is to want to be drunk or high to take away my feelings, but fuck i really can’t handle my life being like this sober. i’m so hurt and unmotivated and hateful and so many other negative things and the only thing that takes it away when i’m alone like this is being high or drunk. i looked for alcohol earlier but there isn’t any in sight anywhere which fucking sucks. i’m sure my mom has some in her room, but her and nicholas are asleep in there and i don’t feel like risking waking them up just to search for booze.

speaking of my mom, i really wish things between us could be different. i’ve always felt so slighted and robbed that i didn’t have a great childhood and even now with the whole “my mom is my best friend” culture, i just can’t relate even a little bit, and honestly it really upsets me that i can’t relate whatsoever and get told by so many people that i’m ungrateful. i don’t even know what to think about her. sometimes i can say that i think she’s doing her best, but i know she’s not. she’s very selfish and demanding. “i cosigned on your student loans, you owe me this and this and that” or i don’t? since you’re making me pay you back anyway? she feels as though we should be so subservient to her just because she had sex, her birth control failed, and she ultimately chose not to abort me or my brother and keep us rather than give us up for adoption. that’s another thing: she’s told me i don’t even know how many times that she wishes she would’ve gone through with aborting me. do you know how that makes someone feel? do you have any fucking idea what it feels like to be told by your actual mother that she wishes she would’ve never had you? and even knowing that her and my dad were going to give me up for adoption until my dad said no because he didn’t want to have a daughter out there somewhere that he didn’t know. if not for him, my life would be entirely different. i don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing. i don’t like looking back at things and wondering how they could be different because i can’t fix them, so what’s the point in thinking about the “what ifs”?

anyway i got off topic, but my mom. is so mean. she’s so emotionally abusive and manipulative but she’s so fucking ace at it that sometimes i have to sit back and wonder if i’m really positive she is or if i’m just wrong and reading into it. she is. i blocked out most of my childhood, so i can’t recall the things she used to do to my brother and i, but i remember it fucking me up. my grandma on my dad’s side likes to tell the story of the time when my mom went away to mexico for two weeks and when my grandma told my brother and i that she was coming to pick us up, i cried and hid. we retell it like it’s a funny story because if you just see it from a normal perspective, it’s just a silly kid wanting to stay at grandma’s. in reality, i hated being around my mom and former stepdad and felt extreme emotional distress knowing i had to go back to them. i also used to plan with that grandma how she could kidnap me from my mom’s house. i guess you can see those things as harmless kid shenanigans, but it was multiple things and repeated and i was in actual distress. and i guess that’s a common theme in my life with the adults in my life growing up writing off my distress and mental illness as just being a kid because what 6 year old is actually suicidal, yknow?

but my fucking mother. in comparison to her mom, she seems totally fine, but get her on her own and she’s just as bad in her own way. i do remember she and my ex stepdad used to make me cry and then laugh at me for being upset. she would come up to me when i would wear t shirts or shorts and pinch my fat and point out all my cellulite and flaws. we could just be sitting at a red light and she’d look over and narrow her eyes and go “you have a double chin and you’re not even trying to have one. you need to start doing chin exercises”. she wouldn’t let me go out or hang out with my friends until i was in my freshman year of high school unless she was able to call my friends’ parents and confirm every single last detail, and even then, she wouldn’t let me go half the time because she got a “bad vibe” and accused me of lying. her and my ex stepdad accused me of lying all the time, and i do have a problem with lying, but they would accuse me of lying even when i was telling the truth. they would LITERALLY MAKE ME FUCKING LIE TO THEM AND ACCEPT THAT AS “THE TRUTH” so what the fuck did they think was going to happen??? i got my first real life boyfriend and my mom accused me of trying to have sex and sleep around and i was literally 12?? i hadn’t even had my first real kiss yet and apparently “i want to go out on a date with my middle school boyfriend” is code for “i want to fuck even though i literally just started masturbating last week and haven’t even figured that out yet”. (speaking of, i probably should try and get off at some point tonight since i haven’t in like a week and before that, nearly a month and maybe i’ll placebo feel better? probs not)

but like even recently, every. single. fucking. decision. that i make is criticized. “you should get a second job” yeah with what car? and on top of the full time hours i’m already working at my first job? “if you would’ve gotten that second job i told you about, you’d be making so much money” yeah because i’d be working like 80 hours a week you fucking doorknob. it’s acceptable that i don’t hang out often with my friends (lol not really actually, i get told all the time to get out of the house because my brother is extroverted and social and i’m definitely not) but if i don’t see the guy i’m talking to (i don’t actually know what’s going on with that but i’ll get into that later) every single day, our relationship is trash and he’s abusive and a dickhead and i should be dating other people and finding some trashy clingy fuckhead to date instead who will send me a bunch of emojis and constantly drain my energy. fuck that.

the clothes i wear are all trash apparently. i dress like a slut. just so many horrible things every single goddamn day. but how can i possibly leave? i’m financially dependent on her. if i gtfo, i won’t have a place to live in my home state, i won’t be able to afford college, and i won’t have a phone plan or car insurance that doesn’t cost me a small fortune. if i cut my mom and her mom out of my life entirely like some people suggest, i lose my college education at the school i’m currently going to and enjoy going to, i become homeless, and i lose the benefits of a family phone and car insurance plan, respectively. as badly as i want to and as much as i think i would benefit from it, i cant right now. not to mention, i’d feel like such shit about myself for doing it because i know i’d be guilted by her for “betraying her” or some shit and so many people would tell me how horrible i am for cutting out my own mother. if i already get upset seeing people have happy and healthy family ties, how would i feel if i know i don’t have a mom to even try to reconcile with? it’s harder to cut out family members than some people like to pretend it is.

okay moving on to my friends. i would say i do have some friends. i categorize my friends in very specific and compartmentalized ways because that’s just what helps me draw boundaries and not get too attached to people who aren’t in the appropriate categories. i have acquaintances. acquaintances are people that i know of who also know of me on more friendly than neutral terms. they’re people i would recognize and say hi to if i saw them, maybe. (for my own reference if i get confused, think like david or bree or tegan) i have close acquaintances. close acquaintances are just one step above regular acquaintances. i can have little conversations with them here and there and maybe hang out once or twice, but i wouldn’t entrust them with anything real or beneath the surface about myself in any way, shape, or form. (think cara and kodiak and them) then i have friends. friends are people i enjoy spending some time with, but they’re not people i could have a deep conversation with. like i can hang out with them and have conversations with them but i would never go deep about my personal life, maybe just a little bit. (think lillie or carly). then i’ve got close friends who, as you can guess, are one step above friends. i seek them out and want to hang out with them more than everyone previously listen, for the most part. they’re the people i talk to the most and the people i hang out with the most. i feel more comfortable being honest and open with how i’m really feeling and my struggles (think jayden, carly, jessi, adrianne, skitch, maybe). then i’ve got the best friend tier. that’s the person i’m the most comfortable with. i can tell them absolutely anything without any fear of judgement and i trust them immensely. i don’t feel the need to talk to them all the time or hang out all the time even though i think about them and have them on my mind more than anyone else. that’s literally josh lmao i used to have a best friend, but she was an abusive snake so i cut her out and it was hard and it’s still hard when i see people praising her as if she’s never done anything wrong, but whatever.

the issue with all my friends except for josh is that they don’t understand how i work. i try to talk to my close friends about my issues and they make me feel worse about myself or my struggles. i try to talk to jayden and carly (who are supposed to be my best friends) about my relationship struggles with josh, and i get a “dump his ass, fuck his best friend, and then fuck your way through tinder you hot bitch” as a reply. that’s fucking stupid and self destructive and i’d hate myself absolutely as a result. it’s such an immature response i don’t even think i responded to it lmao or like when i came to them and was like “hey i’m very fragile right now and need support” and carly LITERALLY STARTED A FIGHT WITH ME and told me how i wasn’t doing enough and i wasn’t putting any effort into anything etc etc. my salt vault pals are great people to hang out with and joke with, but none of them do emotions or understand mental illness in the slightest. the best response i’ll get is a “boop” from thomas or an “eat some spaghetti and forgetti” from kellie. maybe if i was just normally sad, but yall come on now i’m clinically and severely depressed. i appreciate the effort, at the least, but lately they’ve all just ignored me when i’ve tried to reach out, so i just shouldn’t do that anymore.

literally the ONLY PERSON IN MY ENTIRE LIFE who is able to make me genuinely feel better is josh. i don’t know how he does it or how he manages to usually find that perfect balance between calling out my bullshit and comforting me, but 9/10 he can get the job done. he says he just talks logically, but he does it in a way that doesn’t get under my skin or belittle me. and god i don’t want to put all my baggage and problems on him no matter how often he offers or tells me to talk to him about anything and everything and although i know i’d be comfortable talking to him about it, i don’t want to scare him away or push him away or like hurt him or affect him in any way because of it.

but like okay. i know how cheesy and stupid this sounds but my life is always better when he’s in it. before i met him, i was just kind of like existing in misery and i had accepted that i wasn’t going to get better or find actual love and that my closest chance would be to idolize celebrities. and yeah, okay, i did love alex. i could imagine a future with him and i could see us getting married and i cared and stuff (until he started treating me like shit and i fell out of love and realized i had been denying my feelings for josh for a year but WHATEVER), but it’s something entirely different with josh. i met him and even though we were just friends and i thought he was really funny and cute and had a big dorky crush on him, i started feeling myself become happier bit by bit and feeling more confident in myself the more i was around him. i’m sure it wasn’t the only reason, but when he told me he liked me too, it was probably top 5 moments of my life, not even gonna lie. i know how crazy and obsessive it sounds, but that first kiss i had with him i don’t think i can forget. it was the best kiss i’ve ever had and it’s burned into my memory. but i also don’t think i was too obsessive because when he said he loved me in his sleep that one time, i panicked because i wasn’t sure if i felt the same and saying it back wasn’t something i was ready for. i think that makes it more legit. and while when we officially dated things were far from perfect and actually quite shit for both of us, i think what happened was necessary for both of us to grow. i’m still hurting residually from it and he’s still hurting residually from it and i can’t forgive myself for hurting him like that, we’re both different and more understanding people now. he used to not be able to calm me down the way he can now. he used to just kind of feed into my panic and depressive and manic feelings by coming in too hard with calling me out or telling me to suck it up, and i only just got worse in those situations and they escalated into fights. i was mean to him, he was mean to me, and it didn’t work out for us then and there. what hurt me the most was that he fucked me and then stopped talking to me immediately after. i felt like actual garbage. i felt used and mistreated and dirty, and once he had officially left isaac’s and i realized he wasn’t going to talk to me again (despite telling me we could try again when i turned 18), i lost all hope and drive. i didn’t even want to just kill myself, i wanted to torture myself first. i drank all the time, i would skip as much school and class as i possibly could, i gave into my impulsive thoughts and actions, i cut myself all the time, i lashed out and was genuinely cruel and cold to people, i did a bunch of self destructive stuff... and i stalked josh’s social media. then i saw he got a girlfriend and i absolutely lost my shit. i tried to kill myself at least once a week and the days i didn’t try to, i was researching the most effective way to. even after they broke up or whatever (since he said they weren’t actually a couple and just went on a couple dates, so idk whatever i don’t care all that much) i just felt so lost. i applied to college because i wanted to see if getting far away would help me (sidenote: it didn’t on its own) as well as i just had this little gut feeling tugging at me that maybe if i faked it for four years of college and then at a job, i would make it. i think i tried to kill myself over 30 times my senior year of high school + the summer after. then josh fucking liked one of my art instagram pictures and i felt just like waves of confusion and hurt and so many things and it fucked me up again because i thought he was fucking with me.

then he reached out to me once i got out of the mental hospital (like i said, being away from home doesn’t fix the fact that i didn’t give a shit about my life and was indulging entirely in my mental illnesses without even caring to try and better them) and i slowly introduced him back into my life. we started talking again and picked up where we left off when things were good, talking and both obviously changed and matured but still changed and matured in a compatible way. when he fucking told me that he loved me when we were together, i cried. when he told me that he still loved me, i can’t even say what i felt because it was so many positive feelings all at once. i legitimately turned completely around overnight just talking to him ONE TIME. i can’t even tell you why. he even made it clear at that point that he didn’t think we could be in a relationship at that time, but even with that, i still immediately felt better and more in control.

and since we started regularly talking again, overall, i’ve gotten slowly, so much better. i’ve become much more confident and in tune with myself and my emotions. i’ve felt so loved and cared about and respected and appreciated more than i’ve ever felt in my entire life. he made me feel actual nothingness in the most tranquil and serene way when he said “i just want to see you grow as a person and be happy”. it was one of the best feelings of my entire life. in fact, the only times i faltered in this overall was when i was left doubting our relationship/friendship.

look i know i can’t depend entirely on one person to be my rock, but it’s the only thing that’s ever worked for me. i’ve been to therapy for years, i’ve done medication for years, i’ve tried exercise, dieting, yoga, meditation, and nothing even comes close to helping me the way his presence in my life helps me. i don’t know if i’m being too overwhelming for him and if i am, god i want him to tell me. i don’t ever want to hurt him or stress him out or anything like that. and like honestly, just look at where i was two summers ago compared to now. two summers ago, he didnt text me for a day and i lost my shit. i could only handle three days before i broke. now, i went a year without speaking to him at all and now i can go a week or two without talking to him as long as i see he’s okay and alive. he’s the closest thing to a best friend i have and fuck i really do love him so much. and honestly, everyone gives me so much shit for our “relationship”, but i don’t want anyone else. like duh i’m still attracted to other people and i will always be thirsty for dan howell, but realistically, i don’t want anyone else. the thought of trying to be in a relationship with someone else makes me uncomfortable. i’ve mentioned this before but i did have sex with someone else and although it wasn’t something i really 100% wanted, it opened my eyes because even though it was with someone i am attracted to and have really wanted to have sex with in the past, it was just okay. like all sex is alright, but it wasn’t very far above the bar. the whole time i just wanted to be with josh for a multitude of reasons, including that the sex we have is honestly so fucking bomb every single time. i’ve had the best sex i’ve ever had with him and he’s the only guy that i’ve ever been with who has made it a conscious effort to try and get me to cum despite me being extremely difficult in that way. and he did it once like fuck man you go.

okay anyway that got off topic and although i recognize i still have a lot of work to do, my end goal if i get the chance to continue to be in his life and maybe wonderfully finally be in an official relationship like i’ve wanted for nearly a year at this point (solidly and unwavering, anyway) is to grow so much and gain so much confidence that i have that baseline of love and support that i’ve lacked my whole life to finally have a chance at getting better and being able to hold myself up mostly or completely instead of needing someone else to be there for me not to collapse into oblivion or in on myself.

but here’s where the overwhelming fear and pain i’ve felt lately is coming from. i’m so afraid he’s leaving me again. i absolutely can’t handle going through the worst point in my life all over again. i understand that he’s got a lot going on, and i’m more than willing to give him his space, and maybe i’m just overthinking or giving into my anxiety and paranoia and intense fear of abandonment... but when he’s posting on social media and liking things like he’s totally fine or especially replying to other people and not reaching out to talk to me, it makes me feel like i mean nothing to him anymore. i know i need to have trust but i’m still hurting from the last time he left me and the only thing that eases that pain is when i feel more secure and can actually talk to him. and i recognize that he’s very kind to me when we’ve spoken and it seemed almost like when i first reached out to him that he wanted to keep talking to me, but the last time it seemed more like he was just trying to be polite. once again, maybe i’m reading into it but i’m so so so afraid of losing him again. not even so much so afraid of losing my chance at happiness but losing this amazing human being and not being able to watch him grow and really love himself is something i absolutely don’t want. and maybe i’ve just been really stupid hoping for a relationship after he’s said time and time again that he doesn’t want one, but i really think that he’s just struggling with some stuff and he’s afraid of being in a relationship and getting hurt again, but i won’t push. i’m more than content loving him and supporting him as just a friend from him perspective or whatever. i just really don’t want to lose him.

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