I wish I could experience the love I give.
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If you ever believed a lie or a rumor about me without addressing me first, you are not my friend. You are nothing good to me and I wish you peace far away from me for eternity. May you never perceive me or think of me ever again.
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I never openly and publicly voiced out my issues with anxiety and panic attacks, and even doing it now makes me freak out, but I know the more people speak about these things the easier it becomes to talk about them. I feel the fear of talking about it is not only due to the general taboo society puts on mental health, as if feeling what and how you feel makes you mental, or to the fear of opening up about your vulnerability. Rather I feel the biggest block comes from acknowledging there is just no words or way to explain. There is no way to explain how I feel the ground falling under my feet, there is no way to explain how I feel my chest eating itself up, there is no way to explain how I am suddenly running out of breath, how my heartbeat is going so fast of all a sudden and I fear having a heart attack, how for however long it takes I feel everything crumbling and me losing control completely. Of my senses, of my body, of my thoughts. So no, even when people try to help, I can't just not feel that. I can't just stop. Because I am paralysed. And at the end it's always only me having to remind myself I survived this wave once, I will survive it again. That this wave too will pass. That it will stop. That it will be better again. It is lonesome and necessary at the same time. And even though I feel I became better at managing it with time, I still feel there is no easy way out. The only way out is through, and sometimes the wave is really big and really dark, and going through it feels like an eternity. So if that's where you are at, I just want you to know you are not alone, you can voice it out, and you will get through it.
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The feminine urge to quit the social media world permanently, to delete all possible information about my existence to the point that everyone would question themselves if I really stepped my foot on the land of earth, if I really existed, and I would just live quietly and become private for the rest of my life.
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I think i'm good naman super busy lang and kagaya mo napapa overthink din nitong mga nakakaraan
-C
Medyo in between kasi eh, pero that's life. Di naman pwedeng palaging okey.
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It's crazy how much I’m struggling to stay alive at the moment and no one even knows it.
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You're early again?
-C
Nope, di pa ko natulog non eh hahaha! Ewan ko kung okey lang ako or overthink lang malala. Ikaw ba kumusta?
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What if I was never the one for you, and I only came to your life as a distraction.
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“I took the image of a burning woman into my heart. I didn’t hate the fire. I hated the people who did not believe her.”
— Lidia Yuknavitch, from “The Chronology of Water: A Memoir,” wr. c. 2011
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happy birthday to the boy who does not adore me. i hope your day is as poetic as the words that i would have written for you, as transcendent as the playlists i would have comprised for you and as heartfelt as the art i would have created for you.
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Star Stroll ⭐✨🌟
Just my usual obsession with translucent dresses haha
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I guess the reason I got so attached to you is because you were my first time in so many things. You were the reason I wished the days would go by faster to see you again. You were the first person I never wanted to stop talking to, and you were the first person I wanted romantically.
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