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lowkeyassgard · 4 years

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DAY 10 OF LOKI VS. EARTH: CONCERTS

Day 10 of Loki vs. Earth series and today Loki is very pissed off by attending a country concert.

One shot summary: After bailing Loki out of some serious trouble, Thor asks Loki to attend a concert with him.

Quarantine series summary:It’s going to be a series of fun and light hearted one shots to help readers and other writers get through this hard time. I made a a03 collection and a tumblr tag. To join just write a fun, soft, and/or light hearted one shot and post it to the collection @Quarantine_Series or tag it on tumblr as #quarantine series.

Word count: 900 words

Loki didn’t care much for music, He never understood why Midgardians would spend their time blasting loud obnoxious noises into their ears. Also, didn’t understand how they enjoyed it. He didn’t like it but since permanently residing on Midgard his brother Thor had found a love for it. He blasted it through their home and would dance around like a psycho. Loki thought Thor a fool for it.

Thor had been pestering Loki to attend a concert for the last few months. Loki had repeatedly said no but knew he would no longer be able to decline the offer. Loki had recently run into some trouble leading Thor to bailing him out. Literally. Loki was arrested for assault. He did nothing of the sort, but the police officer insisted that Loki had come at it. What had actually happened was that one-day Loki was walking down the road flipping his favorite blue knife and a police officer had stopped to question him. Loki was not a fan of this man tone and pointed his knife at the officer. Loki wasn’t going to stab him, but the officer said that he had to jump back to avoid being plunged in the gut. What a liar. Upon Loki’s arrest they confiscated the knives on him and threw him in a dirty dark cell.

He spent two whole days in the jail because the police department had no clue who Loki was and how to contact someone to bail him out, Loki wasn’t from Earth, so he did not have a fingerprint on file or even a social security card. The entire police department was perplexed by his existence because to their computer system Loki simply did not exist. Yet he did and he like all others will have to serve the time for his crime. On the second night of his confinement Loki astray projected to New Asgard and pleaded with his brother to free him. Sure, thing the next morning there Thor was with a big wad of cash to free him and recover his prized knives.

With that situation in mind Loki knew the next time Thor asked he would have to go. He did in fact owe his brother and how horrible could a concert be.

The dreaded ask came two days later. Loki was in his bed reading a book over astronomy. It was a calm and bright day. He was in a pleasant mood. He was until Thor came waltzing into his singing one of those songs he was always blasting.

“Oh brother! Do you recall when I got you out of that sticky situation?

“How could I forget brother. It has only been a week.”

“Oh, how time flies when you are having fun. Speaking of fun how about you and me go to a concert tonight. There will be alcohol.” Thor emphasized the last part. Loki wasn’t fond of Midgardian alcohol, but something was better than nothing. Since Loki didn’t have any form of identification he could not lawfully buy alcohol even he was thousands of years past the required age. The people would just not believe it. So, the only time he received alcohol was when he stole it, much frowned about by Thor and Valkyrie, and when he went to an event that served it to all guests.

“Ah yes brother. I do owe you so just this time I will join you.”

“YES!” Thor practically jumped with joy. Loki knew that Thor loved hanging out with him, but they just didn’t like the same things. Loki liked raves and clubs meanwhile Thor loved campfires and concerts. They were like polar opposites and yet they still loved each other dearly. When Loki had no one, he had Thor. Thor was the only one that gave him chance after chance and saw the good in him. So even though he knew he would hate every minute of it if this concert would make his brother happy he would attend.

“Alright Loki. Be ready by six and where something that isn’t black.”

At a quarter to six Loki walked out of his bedroom in a olive green shirt and grey denim jeans. It was the only thing he owned that wasn’t black or Asgardian custom clothes. He felt like a teenager that was trying to be cool. He wasn’t going to impress anyone, so he swallowed his pride and put on a smile for his brother.

Thor on the other hand was absolutely ecstatic. He was in a plaid button up shirt blue denim jeans and boots. He was grinning ear to ear. The minute Loki came out Thor gave a big holler of excitement and practically dragged Loki out of their home to take a truck into the city.

They arrived at the concert venue within the next forty five minutes and immediately Loki wished he had said no. Just from the look of the people entering the venue he would be miserable. Everyone entering was dressed in cowboy hats and boot. The men and the women were plaid shirts and both were equally acting loud and obnoxious.

As Loki walked with Thor toward the entrance Loki groaned. The person taking the tickets was a blonde chick with a plaid shirt tied at her breast level. She was in cutoff denim shorts that showed the bottom of her undergarments. She was loud. Too loud. Loki wanted to throw his ticket at her and tell her to shut up before she found her mouth bound. Instead he calmly watched as Thor handed the tickets to her.

“HOWDY THERE BOYS. YALL READY FOR SOME FUN”

“No.” Loki simply said. Thor was beside him talking about how excited he was and had been looking forward to this all day.

Loki left his brother at the ticket stand to push his way into the venue. He thought maybe it would be better once inside, but it was not,

Thor had left out the part that this was a hillbilly concert. Loki wasn’t even trying to be offensive. A person that walked by him held a sign promptly stating that it was a hillbilly concert. The sign read “Hillbillies get down too.”

Everyone I mean everyone looked like they should be in the wild west. Loki didn’t usually complain about humans showing off a little skin but now he was. Their attire and the way they presented themselves repulsed Loki.

He pushed himself thought the crowd of sweaty exposed bodies to find the bar. Once there he was even more repulsed. They just had beer. Cheap piss. This was their suck ass excuse for alcohol. The whole reason why he was here. Loki remembering, he was doing for this Thor laid down a few bills and took one of the beers. He took one swig of the beer and spit it out on the ground.

“Real men drink beer.” A woman sitting at the bar scorned at him. He reached for his knives to realize he left them at home.

‘Real women know not to pester a man that could easily destroy them.” Loki spat at her. Pardon his language but fuck her. If he had his knives he would hold them at her throat until she cried out in mercy. He might not want to take over the world anymore, but he would not be disrespected.

Not being able to stand the taste of this piss he threw the half full can on the ground and removed the lighter from his pocket and set it on fire.

“Oh, brother there you are!” Thor said before realizing that Loki had set a can of beer on fire and had attracted a crowd.

“Please excuse my brother. Its not a concert without a little spilt beer am I right?” Thor said before grabbing Loki by the arm and dragging him to the other side of the room.

“Loki, what did I tell you about burning things?”

“Do not belittle me brother. That Midgardian piss made a fool out of me and I smite its existence as punishment.”

“Just stand here and have some fun. The concert is starting soon.” Thor said before taking a swig out of his own can of fermented piss.

The concert did start but Loki did not have fun.

The music was horrendous. It was loud. Obnoxious loud. The people let out yeehaws like they were farm animals. At one point the man beside Loki made the comment that he loved this music which Loki returned by screaming “THIS IS NOT MUSIC.”

Worse than the music was the dancing that followed. The dancing looked like an exorcism ritual. The people shook their bodies and bent them in ways that should mot be normal. They thrashed against each other and yet out shared simultaneous hollers. Loki felt as though he was watching a whole crowd of people possessed by a spirit and this country music was expelling them of their farm demon.

As the night went on the crowd got worse. Even his brother began to thrash around and swing his beer in the air. Later Loki would ask what happened and Thor would just say he was overcome by the music. Overcome by the music? The only thing Loki was overcome by was the urgent need to bleach his eyes and wipe his memories of this event.

When the crowd began to sway, Loki let out a groan. The people around him assumed he was joining them in their pleasure but he was not. Every time their shoulder pressed into his body he had to stop himself from grabbing them and snapping them in half.

At one point the stranger beside him bumped a little too hard into Loki taking him by surprise and knocking him to the concrete floor. That was loki last straw.

“I do not know what kind of hoe down throw down you people think this is hit if you so ever even think about touching my godly skin I will remove your bones from your body one by one.”

The people around him just stopped. They stopped dancing. The must stopped playing. The people all stopped to look at Loki.

“I am a god and I will not be disrespected and touched by you distasteful rowdy animals.”

Thor just watched in disbelief as his dear brother screamed at a venue of people.

“ I did my best to enjoy this time for the sake of my brother but you farm animals sad are just not worthy of my company.” With that Loki felt arms reach around him and he was picked up. A very large human carried him outside the venue and threw him on to the ground.

“Do you know who I am?” Loki screamed at the man.

“No and I do not care. Move another inch and I’m calling the cops.”

Loki was absolutely appalled that he was thrown out. He was even more appalled that Thor did not quickly come out to him. Instead loki spent the next 2 hours on the ground outside of the venue. When Thor finally came out he was completely hammered. . He was smiling and laughing to himself

“Brother. You are such a pain. Kicked out of a concert. If only mother and father could see this. They would laugh so hard they wept.”

Needless to say that Loki never attended a concert after that.

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lowkeyassgard · 4 years

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Hello. I like your work, especially the Quarantine Series. To keep my identity secret, I write under Sally Magnolia. I just wandered if you liked the one shot that I gifted you, and if you wanted to add it to your collection? I totally understand if it doesn't fit your pissed off Loki series, but I gifted my story to you because you inspired it. I am totally fine with whatever you decide! Your Quarantine series is wonderful, great idea and very fun! Your mad Loki is very entertaining! Stay safe!

Hello! I just read the one shot you gifted me! I absolutely loved it. It was brilliant. If you want to add it to my collection all you have to do is when you edit the fic on a03 type in Quarantine_Series where it asks if it’s part of a collection. After you type that in and repost I can approve your request to be a part of the collection. This goes for anyone that wants to take part in the one series. Just write a one shot and either tag it with #quarantine series or on A03 add it to the collection as described above :)

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lowkeyassgard · 4 years

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DAY 9 OF LOKI VS. EARTH: TINDER

Day 9 of the Loki vs Earth series and today Loki is pissed and disturbed by Tinder.

One shot summary: Loki wants to find someone that will be his mischievous and pleasurable partner on Midgard but is disturbed by the people he finds on Tinder

Quarantine Series Summary: Hi. I started something called the quarantine series. It’s going to be a series of fun and light hearted one shots to help readers and other writers get through this hard time. I made a a03 collection and a tumblr tag. To join just write a fun, soft, and/or light hearted one shot and post it to the collection @Quarantine_Series or tag it on tumblr as #quarantine series.

Word count: 2.5 K

Warning: mentions of sex and dicks

Since moving to Midgard, Loki had been saying how much he despised Midgardians. They had no sense of self pleasure or dignity. They had horrible taste in fashion and listened to music that made Loki’s ears want to bleed. They complained too much and never did anything with their lives. They slaved away to the system. It was just repulsing to Loki.

Although he loathed the humans he was starting to desire their company. It had been months and the only people he had to talk to were his brother and Valkyrie. The other Asgardians were still wary of him: as they should be. Loki might have been mind controlled, but it really hadn’t been that long since he tried to kill everyone in New York City. The Asgardians wanted to believe he had changed but there will always be a sense of fear toward him.

He didn’t want friends. Jotun no. The last thing Loki wanted was a mewling quim to get emotionally attached to him. Friends were clingy. Loki wanted someone that he could share mutual hatreds with that would lead to many hours of pleasure. He wanted what those Midgardians called a fuck buddy.

Loki didn’t have a preference. Didn’t care if they were male, female, neither, or in between. Didn’t care what they looked like or what they identified as. He just needed a warm body that would let him use it as he pleases and share in his mischievous ways.

But back to the fact that he hated Midgardians. He absolutely hated the Midgardians and did everything in his power to annoy and complicate their lives.

Had Loki told anyone that he was looking for a sexual mutually hating partner in crime? Absolutely not.

They were would think him a fool. The god of mischief scheming around with the people he hated. Fraternizing with the enemy. Conversing with the low lives. Seducing the quim of all quim. Well now that Loki thought about it: that’s 100% something he would do. Flipping sides and manipulating a situation for his own self gain was right up his alley.

Loki didn’t leave New Asgard much other than to attend to the duties asked of him but today he would venture out to find the seductive ways of the Midgardians. He would learn their ways and then use them against them to find him one that would submit to him in all ways.

This scheming plan that would be sure to blow up in smokes is what lead Loki to be sitting in a dimly lit café shop talking to a pretty blonde named Marlo.

“So, you say you aren’t from around here?” Marlo said taking another sip of their caramel macchiato

“Oh, definitely not from around here. You could say I’m out of this world. “Loki winked.

“What exactly brings you here? To Norway? You could go to any place and you choose Norway?”

“Well, I didn’t get much choice. You see? I kind of helped blow up my home and then had to fight this toxic bitch from outer space and then I stole this blue cube and traveled back in time to not be choked out. Don’t get me wrong I love choking but this was choking gone wrong. Did I mention I faked my own death to do all of this? Anyways I helped save the world and now I half willingly half begrudgingly live with my older better brother and this former alcoholic that rules over this place about 20 minutes away. Lived there for a few months but now I am looking for a partner to get into some reckless fun with.”

Marlo stared back at Loki with the eyes the size of saucers. He took one last sip of his coffee and began to stand up.

“Let me ask you. Do you tell everyone that story?”

“Actually, you’re the first person I’ve ever told. Huh what a little caffeine and espresso does for the mind. I just opened up like a can of sardines.”

“Nice tragic story bro, but from the sounds of it you’re a little bat shit crazy and that’s not my vibe.”

Marlo began to walk out but Loki grabbed him by the wrist. “As a god I feel ashamed to be even in this room but young mewling quim I need your assistance.”

“What did you just call me?” Marlo looked extremely appalled.

“Oh Jotun. Sorry just a pet name I have for Midgardians... I mean humans. “

“Oh okay. I don’t know what you want but never call someone that ever again.’

“Gotchu. Will you machinate with me?

“Will I what?”

“Will you machinate with me... scheme... conspire... plot the plot of all plots.”

“What exactly is it you are wanting?”

“Easy. I want someone to have sex with. To talk about the things, I hate. To discuss all the ways, I want to overthrow Earth and make it better. To pleasure and be pleasured. I want a thot. “

“OOOOH I understand now. You little lonely in that imaginary world of yours and want someone to share in your agony.”

“Exactly my mew- morally obligated human.”

“Try tinder.”

“Timber? “

“No, tinder.”

“Sitter?’

“No. Tinder. Here just look. “Marlo got out their phone and opened up this app. “Tinder. You make a profile and it will show you people in the area that you can match with. If you both match up then you talk, meet up, canoodle, do whatever the hell that dark tragic heart of yours desires. “

“You must help me make a tinder. The fate of the world depends on it.” Loki grabbed Marlo’s phone out of their hands to expect this site. It was just full of people wanting the same thing he wanted.

“God you are dramatic. The world isn’t going to be fall apart just because you are lonely and horny.” Marlo took their phone and began to swipe through to show Loki the setup of the app.

“I once burned down a building cause I was bored. You don’t know what I’m capable of.” Loki glared at them. How dare they question their actions. When Loki said something, he meant it. No dramatics. If he didn’t talk to someone outside of the people residing in New Asgard and soon who knows what he would do. Arson was definitely in his future.

“Okay don’t get your leather in a bunch. I’ll set you up an account. “

So there Loki sat with Marlo for the next hour setting up a tinder account.

“First up. What is your name?’ Marlo asked. “Didn’t you say it was Lewis?

“LEWIS. I AM LOKI ODINSON PRINCE OF ASGARD RIGHTFUL...” Loki was about to rage scream his official title for this whole café to hear but he was rudely interrupted.

“I am going to stop you there buddy. I am putting Loki. How do you spell that? Le

“LO! L O K I!”

“Damn alright. Anyways. What is your birthday?”

“My birthday? How am I supposed to know that?

“Didn’t your mom and dad ever celebrate it like literally every year that you have been alive?”

“My dad kidnapped me from my home and my mother and him kept him in their string of lies until one day I was finally told the truth. I was born a long long time ago. Thousands of years before your life was even thought about.”

“Okay so I’m going to make a date up. Let’s just say you are 23.”

“Moving on. What is your gender?”

“I am above and unbound by your mortal limitations of identity.”

“Okay so gender nonconforming.” Marlo finished selecting that option. “You know to get yourself a partner you might want to try not being so hostile and dramatic every time someone speaks to you. I don’t just a tip.”

Loki stood up from his chair with his knife withdrawn. “I am not hostile. I am just bothered by your mewling questions in my search for mutual pleasure. “

“It was just a tip. You do you. So, what is your sexual orientation? You know what are you into?”

“I like anyone and everyone that meets the eye. I do have a preference for men that need my expertise and women that need my saving. Do with that as you wish.”

“Alright. Preferences so bisexual. Show everyone. Almost done there Lewis.”

“Loki.”

“Right. Loki.”

“What do you want your bio to be? Something that says who you are to attract people’s attention.”

“God of more then just mischief. I carry big things in these pants.”

“Err. Are you sure?”

“Who are you? The god of questioning? Do as I say.”

Marlo said nothing for a few minutes.

“Location is turned on. Questions all answered. Now we just need some pictures.”

“I have no photos.”

“That is alright. We are going to take some. Just pose.”

Loki just sat there and stared at the camera while Marlo snapped a photo.

“Look less pissed off.”

Loki groaned and forced a smile.

“Now you just look constipated.”

Loki huffed. He did his very best smirk.

“You look like you are about to burn down an orphanage.”

“I am about to burn this place down if you don’t hurry up.”

“Okay maybe just do a close half smile half smirk. Tilt your head a little and look less like a pissed off greasy sewer rat.”

Loki did his best to do as described. It must have been good enough because Marlo did not suggest another pose. They just tapped away on their phone.

“Okay. Done. Just swipe through. Swipe left for those that don’t interest you and swipe right for those that do interest you.”

Loki did that for over an hour. Swiped left on the ugly mewling quim or the nerdy sulks. Swiped right on anyone that seemed like they could offer him some machinating.

Loki ran into a slight problem. For all the hassle it took to setup this tinder account it wasn’t very awarding. No one would swipe right on him. He had yet to get a match. He looked good in his photos. Greasy and permissive. Looked like he was ready for a good time.

When Loki finally got matches and would try to talk with the humans they were strange. The strangest one yet was when he matched with this very attractive slim brunette that lived closed by. Upon the match the women sent him a message that left Loki happy.

“I heard you carry big things in those pants. Care to let me see?”

Loki smiled upon reading. Finally, someone that wanted to get to know him. He removed his knives and placed them on the table and sent the woman a photo of them.

“Mhm. Kinky. What else you got hiding in all that leather?”

Damn. This woman wanted to know all his dirty secrets and treasures. Loki didn’t show many people, but he had his own little pocket dimension where he hid all of his prized possessions. He had no plans to show a complete stranger the tesseract but since they seem so interested what would be the harm.

He slipped the tesseract into his lap and snapped a quick photo before putting it back in the one place it was safe. He was excited to see her response, but it was not one of awe of the mystical space orb that Loki carried the powers and burden of.

“Mhm, what is that big box holding?

Loki replied with. “More than your human mind could handle.” Loki genuinely felt like this woman was someone that could end up being a partner. She took great interest in him. She was funny and pretty. Talkative and apparently had amble of free time since she was talking to him. Loki thought that until he clicked back on the messages to see that she had blocked him after sending “The only big thing in your pants is the big lack of understanding of when a woman wants to see your cock. Loser.

Loki was in utter disbelief, but it only got worse from there. Person after person would converse with him for a few minutes and them block him out of complete frustration. Loki was just trying to make conversation and there was nothing more important to him than his knives, hair comb, and the tesseract. HE meant that he literally had big things in his pockets. The tesseract ain’t small and neither is his knives. Loki wanted sex, but he wasn’t going to whip his dick out for these people especially when they played with his feelings like this. They acted interested in his knives just to see his dick. How rude.

Loki was growing rather fed up with this app. Loki finally decided to give up on his scheme for mischievous pleasure when he clicked upon a message that left him sick to his stomach.

“You aren’t the only one with big things.” And there was a naked hairy nasty white cock on the screen of Marlo’s phone. Loki almost threw up. Don’t get him wrong he loved men but not men who flaunted their nasty private areas. This man looked like he hadn’t washed in decades and that’s coming from the man who literally showers with crow vomit. This man was repulsive, and he could take him and his arguably big dick far away from Loki before Loki used his big thing in his pants to cut it off.

The whole time this was happening Marlo sat beside Loki laughing to themselves.

“Do you think my failure is funny?”

“Yes. I don’t know what’s more hilarious you sulky when no one matches with your or you being repulsed by the only people that will.”

“This is not as easy as I imagined it would be.”

“Welcome to the real world. It’s a whole bunch of nasty dicks to the face. In this case I should say screen.”

Loki groaned and leaned back against his chair. Today was a complete disaster. He had not managed to find him a partner or even a supply of people wanting to be his partner that weren’t creepy, repulsive, or downright weird. Loki did a lot of weird things and wasn’t the best at being normal, but these people were worse than Loki could ever be. Loki chugged the rest of his coffee while Marlo continued to laugh,

“Tinder might not have worked but I must admit Lewis. I have grown fond of your pent-up anger and greasy dramatics. I would be cool to hang out again.”

“It is Loki.”

“I know, but I love seeing you get all fed up when I call you Lewis. Just make sure you bring your knives next time, so we can compare.”

“Oh, I see, you think you got big things in your pants. We will just have to see.”

#quarantine series #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston smut #marvel #marvel smut #loki #loki smut #smut #loki one shot #loki fic #marvel fic #loki of asgard #loki of earth

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lowkeyassgard · 4 years

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DAY 8 OF LOKI VS. EARTH: FACEBOOK.

Day 8 of Loki vs. Earth and today Loki is confused and pissed off by Facebook.

One shot summary: Loki reads books and wants friends to talk to about said books. Loki joins Facebook to find said friends to talk about said books.

Author’s Note: Hi. I started something called the quarantine series. It’s going to be a series of fun and light hearted one shots to help readers and other writers get through this hard time. I made a a03 collection and a tumblr tag. To join just write a fun, soft, and/or light hearted one shot and post it to the collection @Quarantine_Series or tag it on tumblr as #quarantine series. Anyways enjoy!

After a few months of living on Earth, Valkyrie had bought Loki a phone as a present. With his more positive mindset and less “I will rule the world” attitude she thought it would be a nice way of bringing him into the modern world. People say you can do anything and everything on a phone

Loki used it just for books.

On the first day of having his phone Loki discovered that you could download books and read them on this device. In the comfort of your hand and at your own speed. It was glorious. They were called ebooks and to Loki they were the greatest thing he had discovered on Midgard.

He read all day long. If he wasn’t doing the duties asked of him he was in his bed reading a new book on his phone. At this point he had read hundreds of books. Sometimes 20 books a day. He read anything he could find on every topic. He began to understand Midgard and the way people acted the way they did.

The day that Valkyrie found out that he just used his phone for reading she was appalled. She had spent a good bit of change on the phone and he wasn’t using it for the purpose she intended. She intended him to use it to interact with the Midgard world, make friends, and have fun. All of the apps were already installed and yet the only one he cared about was Apple Books.

No matter what she said Loki just did not care about it. Why talk to people when he converse with all his favorite fictional characters? Why deal with human drama when he could learn about history? Why get out of bed when he could stay in bed?

After a solid talk and Valkyrie ordering as his king Loki agreed to give social media a chance. He clicked on the blue icon with a fancy f in the middle. It came up with a welcome to Facebook page.

“Facebook. Do I put my face on a book?” Loki thought to himself. Maybe Facebook was where you uploaded photos and texts to a book all about your life. Like an autobiography but digitalized for all to see.

The first step was to make an account. It asked for an email and a password. The only email he had was the one he had set up to attach his books to. He typed in “[email protected]” for the email and then “godofmischief” as the password. Easy and simple.

Next he was to select a photo for his profile. Well Loki didn’t have any photos of himself. He didn’t have any phone of anything. He didn’t know why people had to document and capture their face… it wasn’t going to change every few minutes. Loki pressed a button and it opened up to be his face. Oh the camera. Since he didn’t have a photo of himself it wanted him to take one. Well he would cave to the wishes of the technology just this once. Loki stared into the camera while it took his photo. He looked as though he was a greasy 30 year old man that was desperate for any form of interaction. Perfect. Loki selected next.

Then came the questions. What was his name? He tried to type in “ I am Loki Odinson, prince of Asgard, rightful king of jotunheim, god of mischief” but it cut off after As.. Why ask for his full title if it couldn’t handle it. Angry that it didn’t have the capacity for it all he shortened it to “Prince Loki.”

Where was he from? Easy Asgard. Well actually Jotunheim but he was practically kidnapped and raised on lies. Okay let’s just put “Not Earth”. Where did he live? Easy. After the destruction of his home palace he now lived in New Asgard on Earth which was technically Norway. Once again they didn’t want the full story just a location. Why ask if they didn’t want to know? Loki groaned. He clanked in “Earth”

Where did he work and go to school? Loki did not work. He sat around and enjoyed himself while others worked. He was a man of great pleasure. He was too occupied of his own needs to do a job. He ended up typing in “self employed.” He was taught by his now deceased mother everything he was taught. She taught him to read, to write, to do magic. There was no school; just Frigga. In that box he typed in “the arms of Frigga.” Which was the absolute truth.

Relationship status? Single. Lonely. Fuck Midgardians.

Lastly a bio for people to get to know him. What was something he could write that would allow anyone that clicked on his page to truly grasp his godlike personality and existence? He smirked. In the last box he happily typed. “I tuned into a snake. Almost killed my brother. Tried to topple the government. Found a love for books. In that order.”

Loki was now an active member of Facebook. Valkyrie would be proud of him. He was doing it. Taking the first step to make friends and overcome his burning hatred for anyone that wasn’t from Asgard. Valkyrie has explained that people would send him friends requests and once he accepted it they could see each other’s posts and converse. So all Loki had to do was make a post and wait for the friends request to start pouring in.

What should his first post be? Lol knew just what to post.

“I’m Loki Odinson. God of Mischief. Now humans I ask you? What are you the god of? “ Loki pressed post and sat back in his bed triumphantly. He was pissed off that the site didn’t have the capacity to handle anything about him and he had no choice but to shorten everything down but the thought of finding a human that didn’t make him want to take over was exhilarating.

Loki waited a few hours. In that time Valkyrie and Thor both added him on Facebook. Thor said he even made a post to his millions of friends to go friend his mischievous brother. So Loki waited some more.

After a few hours Loki came back to see he had 200 friends requests. He was like a kid on Christmas morning. He accepted every one of them.

But then Loki started to hate this site. Why you might ask? The people were absurd and ignorant. Hundreds of people starting replying to his post saying “god of drinking coffee” “goddess of throwing it back.” “God of donuts.” They thought it was funny to joke. To be a god is no joking matter. To be a god is surely not to be of such foolish items. Gods are powerful. Gods do not throw it back or drink coffee. At least not just those things. To be the god of something is to have it so instill into your being that if it was taken away you would be nothing. Coffee and donuts… humans knew nothing of sacred godlike belongings.

Worse people started poking him. Every few minutes he got the notification that so and so poked him. He just wanted to reach through the phone and break whatever finger they were poking him with. How dare they poke a god. To poke him like some kind of farm animal. He would be respected.

Even worse these women started messaging him asking to see his snake. His snake what could they mean. Loki could not shape shift into a snake and take a photo. They sent him revealing photos begging for his snake. No they could not see his snake form. They were not worthy.

The things these people posted. They whined and groaned about their lives. Posting about their day at work or what their snotty kid did today. No one cared and certainly not Loki. He thought Facebook would be humans worshipping him and begging to get to know him. So far no one had asked him any questions about himself or his childhood. How could they befriend him if they did not know his tragic backstory?

Valkyrie had said if he wanted to become friends with people he should make a post that was more relatable to humans. Loki figured that most humans knew how to read. So for his last attempt of the night to connect to these midgardians he made a simple and relatable post.

“What was the last book you read?”

Loki could not wait for their responses. He loved talking about literature with people. He was excited until the responses actually came in.

Loki was appalled, disgusted, and scared all in one.

People were replying such radical things. Someone said “I read the constitution everyday to protect my gun rights.” Another person “ I read erotic fiction when my husband won’t touch me.” Another saying “ I read company reviews so I can properly bitch my way to a discount the next time I visit there.” And then worst of all “Why read when we can do something more exciting?” What on earth could be more exciting than reading a good book? Yes, Loki loved a good party. Loved drugs and alcohol. Loved sex and orgasms. Loved it all but nothing would top the serotonin that went to his brain when he finished the last page of a book.

The people on Facebook were helpless. Loki slammed his phone on to the counter. If they couldn’t partake in a discussion over books then they could not be discussed to at all. He would not be posting on Facebook again. He would not poke or message another human. He would leave his profile up just so they could think about what they done. Ran off a god that could have blessed their own life.

Loki got in his bed and thought about all the amazing books he would read in the next day and how one day someone would want to discuss them with him. One day he would have a friend. Until then fuck you creepy women that wanted his snake. Fuck middle age men that whined. Fuck everyone.

#quarantine series #loki #loki one shot #loki smut #loki fic #loki of asgard #loki of jotunheim #loki of earth #loki x reader #loki laufeyson #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston smut #tom hiddleston oneshot #marvel oneshot #marvel smut #smut #fluff #one shot #a03

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lowkeyassgard · 4 years

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DAY 7 OF LOKI VS. EARTH: COWS

Day 7 of the Loki vs. Earth (quarantine series) and today Loki is confused by the existence of cows.

One shot summary: Loki is threatened by the existence of cows and is determined to expose them for what they really are... monsters...

On a clear and warm Sunday Loki was woke up at dawn by the sweet screaming voice of Valkyrie.

“LOKI GET UP. WE HAVE PLACES TO BE.” Valkyrie screamed before walking back out of him room. Shutting the door behind her.

“Damn. Can’t a god get a little respect.” Loki thought to himself. She was his king so he would let her behavior slide. They did have places to go today. Loki had agreed, now regretted, to go with Thor and Valkyrie to a farm nearby to look at buying some of the land for Asgardians to live on. They wouldn’t destroy the farms or remove them but would peacefully live and help. Currently they lived by the pier in Norway but some of the people wished to expand outwards. So Valkyrie thought it would be a great idea to buy co-ownership of the farm land. She probably needed him to come along for his charm.

She had warned him to dress in clothes he didn’t mind to get ruined but Loki was flabbergasted. How dare she expect him to go anywhere without looking his absolute best. He had a reputation to uphold and this farm would not intervene. So much to Thor and Valkyrie’s disappointment Loki walked out of his room in his usual black Midgardian suit.

“Loki, you are going to stick out like a sore thumb.” Valkyrie groaned out.

“As I should. All walks of life should have their eyes blessed by my exquisite sense of style.” Loki said with a smirk.

With that the three of them piled into the back of a truck and made their travels to the nearby farm owned by a young man and his husband.

Upon their arrival Loki was instantly filled with disgust. There were these creatures roaming around the land. Large creatures with black polka dots. They made monstrous noises between their kind and at the three of them. Every time they “moo’d” Loki felt his insides quiver. They were huge. They could probably crush him with one step

Loki was three minutes into a staring contest between one of these creatures when the owner of the farm and his husband finally came out of his home.

“Ah! Yes! Hello! Welcome to my farm. I’m Daniel. Daniel pointed behind him at his husband. “This is Oakley.” “ And this is our herd of fluffy babies.”

“Babies. These are not babies. These are..” Loki began to say but was interrupted. “ LOKI” Valkyrie said while elbowing him in the chest.

“I have much business to do today but I looked over the proposal you sent me. I love it. I would love to share my farm land with your people of New Asgard. We can set up an agreement in the future but for now tell your people they are welcome. “ Daniel said before moving to shake hands with Valkyrie.

His people would have to share land with these creatures. Oh how the children would be in terror.

“It is so nice to meet all of you. I have to leave for a meeting but my husband will show you around the farm.” With that Daniel left in his pickup truck and Oakley began to describe the setup of the farm.

Loki heard none of it. He just kept his focus on these creatures. These creatures that could strike at any moment.

He saw his brother and king move closer to them but he stand in his spot. He wasn’t scared. He was.. he was cautious. He was practically immortal. They could crush but not defeat him. Loki was a god and he would not be intimidated by such mewling earthly creatures.

Loki puffed out his chest. Untuck his shirt from his jeans to blow in the wind. He straightened his posture. He ran a finger to through his hair to push back the strands that were falling in his face. He focused his attention one creature in particular. He was bigger than the others. He had bigger spots and smelled more horrid. He was their leader and Loki would overcome him.

Loki began to walk toward him but as he got closer the cow looked at him. His monstrous gaze stopped Loki in his tracks. Come on now Loki it’s just an animal. He can’t hurt you.

Loki took another step which made the cow let out the biggest moo Loki had heard. The cow began to move. The cow took a step toward Loki and that was it. Loki was done. Loki ran toward the truck as fast as he could. His heart beating out of his chest and his hands sweating he grabbed the door handle and threw himself into the seat. There he stayed until Thor and Valkyrie came back to go back home.

“Sorry for running off like that. I heard my phone ringing.” Loki said trying to hide his shaking hands.

“Loki, you don’t even have a phone.” Thor said to his brother.

“Uh. I heard a phone ringing. Didn’t want them to go to voicemail.”

“Okay so who was it? 1-800-scared of cows.” Valkyrie said teasingly. She saw him run off frightened after that cow moved toward him.

“I AM NOT SCARED.” Loki screamed. The glass in the car shook from the waves of his voice.

“If you say so.” Thor and Valkyrie said. They knew the truth. The poor Asgardian god was frightened by a cow that was much of his own food source.

They rode in silence for the rest of the trip home. Loki actually didn’t talk to anyone for the rest of the day. He raced to the library and checked out every book they had on “cows”.That night Loki learned every bit of information that humans knew on cows. He read for so long that he fell asleep in the chair with the book on cows milk on his chest. When he woke up the next day he had a game plan. He would paint himself with blue polka dots and return to the farm. He would show that he was like them but better. He was stronger and more fierce. He would be over them.

So Loki spent 2 hours painting blue dots on his body and clothes and another hour traveling back to the farm. When he arrived he was in a state of confusion. The cows did not have spots. They were brown. They had changed over night. They knew he would come back to challenge them today.. They had powers not native to this earth.

Loki got back in the truck and shook in his seat the whole way home. Cows were shapeshifters and he must warn the people before it’s too late.

#loki #loki smut #loki fic #loki one shot #loki oneshot #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston smut #tom hiddleston oneshot #marvel #marvel smut #marvel oneshot #quarantine series

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lowkeyassgard · 4 years

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NEW ONESHOT IDEA FOR WRITERS

I don’t know if anyone would be interested but I thought of this idea for a quarantine series. This would be just a bunch of writers writing lighthearted and fun one shots to make others laugh and enjoy while this virus has all of us down. Just thought it would be a nice way to boast morales of readers and other writers. The plot could be about anything and involve whatever characters you want. Just make it as light hearted as you can. All you have to do is write a oneshot and tag it with #quaratine series. Or post it on A03 and add it to the collection Quarantine_Series. I’m just sharing it with my basic fandoms but feel free to reblog for others to join.

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lowkeyassgard · 4 years

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DAY 6 OF LOKI VS. EARTH: 3-IN-1 SOAP

Day 6 of Loki Vs. Earth and today Loki is pissed off by those 3-in-1 soaps that are shampoo, conditioner, and body wash all in one.

One shot summary: Loki might be a greasy bitch but at least he wasn’t as gross as those humans that use 3-in-1 soaps.

There was a lot of things that humans did that Loki would never understand. One of those things were 3 in 1 soaps. You know the one bottle that serves as a shampoo, conditioner, and a body wash. The first time loki went to the store he saw the shelves full of those. He wondered why a person would want their intimate areas to smell the same as their hair.

Loki knew that he wasn’t up to beauty standards but this was atrocity.

He might wash his hair in crow vomit and wash his body in ale but at least he would never do vomit or ale all over. He was a man of delicacy. He pampered his body in the way he knew. Once again he was disgusted by humans.

Loki had promised himself to never buy a 3-1 but he had a hard time finding an Earth equivalent to his Asgardian routine. Self care as the humans called it.

In the beginning he tried just using the products that Valkyrie used but they left him feeling dry. They made him smell like a giant fruit that had been soaked up of all its natural juice.

He then tried the products that Thor used but they left him smelling like wood shaving. Musky. Loki felt like he was going to start cutting trees down with the smell he had. They made his skin flake and his hair itch.

Loki needed something that would preserve his natural beauty. Loki knee he was greasy but damn he made it work. He wanted a protect that didn’t take that away. A product that would clean him of the dirt and the oil but the grease must stay. Without the grease was he really Loki?

It had been months and he had yet to find a product that worked for him. If this is how the humans felt then no wonder they looked so horrible. He always found the Midgardians to be repulsive. Know that he was living in their world he could understand why. Their products took away all their natural beauty and replaced it with chemicals and oils. With thousands and thousands of products to be bought and sampled just to be left disappointed. No wonder they were all depressed.

It had been a few days since Loki had showered. He had been just lying around so felt as though he was still pretty clean. A little dirt didn’t hurt anyone. He also didn’t want to make the choice between smelling like a fruit arsehole or a tree stump. Loki didn’t care what others thought about his appearance. He wanted to be respected but not based on his looks. He wanted them to respect him for the powerful god that he is. It wasn’t the people he was worried about but himself. The smell of himself made him want to vomit. That’s bad when Loki was used to showering with vomit but the smell of human products made him want to not even be in the same room as himself.

One day Loki decided to leave his room and read out in the gathering area. That’s where he spent the majority of that sunny Monday morning. He read 3 books for dummies before Valkyrie came walking into the room.

“Loki! You are soaking the couch!”

“Oh! Hello! Val!” Loki said sitting up and placing the book in his lap. Soaking the couch? What did she mean. His clothes weren’t wet. He hasn’t spilled anything. When he looked up at her she was pointing down at the couch cushion. As he followed her glance he realized the couch cushion was soaked where he had led his head.

“Damn! Loki! Getting pretty greasy are we?” Thor said walking past to see where the two of them were standing.

“I suppose the two of you would like if I took a shower.”

“YES!” Thor and Valkyrie said in unison.

Loki likes the grease but he knew there was a point of too much. This was that point. Loki sulkily walked to the bathroom despising the thought of the human atrocity of soap. He stripped himself of his clothes and reached in to turn the cold knob all the way over. You know the human joke women take hot water to remind them where they are from? Loki actually did. Loki took freezing cold showers to soothe his skin and his frost giant mind.

As he got in he looked over at his soap options. To his surprise there was a new player in the game. Tree stump, fruit arsehole, and a minty 3-1. Oh those monstrous 3 in 1. Today he would put aside his hatred and confusion and give it a try.

He opened up the lid to the 3 in 1 and almost vomited. Smelled like Christmas in a bottle. Oh it was horrid. How would any man want his dick to smell like a candy cane.

He squirted some in his hand and began to work into his greasy curls.

Loki went to take another whiff to see if actually smelled that horrible or if it was just a first reaction. As he leaned down he accidentally squeezed the bottle and the soap went flying on to his face. Loki screamed out as the 3-in-1 seeped into his eyes. He dropped the bottle to the floor.

THE PAIN

Loki now unable to see moved to grab a wash rag to rinse his face off but stepped on the bottle he had just dropped. Loki felt himself slide across it and reached out for anything to grab on to. There was nothing. Loki felt against the shower floor. He felt himself lying in the 3-in- 1 that had went all over the floor when he had stepped on it. He just laid there; cursing the universe. Cursing the creator of 3-in-1 soap.

When he finally did get over the humiliation he wrapped himself in a towel and stepped out to the hallway. He had to walk past the gathering area to get to his room. As he did Thor and Valkyrie was waiting for him.

“Having fun in there?” Valkyrie said to Loki as he tried to quickly pass to his room.

Loki looked toward them. His eyes were red and almost swollen shut. He had bruises that were beginning to form on his shoulders where he had hit. He was limping due to pulling his ankle when he slid on the bottle.

“Damn Loki. You look worse than you did when you went in.” Thor said earning a laugh from Valkyrie.

“I will never use 3-in-1 again. No. I will never use a shower again.”

#loki #loki of asgard #loki of jotunheim #loki smut #loki oneshot #loki fic #tom hiddleston smut #tom hiddleston fic #tom hiddleston #marvel #marvel smut #thor odinson #valkyrie #quarantine series

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lowkeyassgard · 4 years

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Can you imagine Loki doing chores and like miserably failing? Like white clothes turn pink and he breaks like 500 dishes 😂😂😂

DAY 5 OF LOKI VS. EARTH: CHORES

Day 5 of the quarantine series and today I did something a little different. Inspired by the ask above I decided to not write Loki as pissed off but as smug.

One shot summary: Loki is asked to clean up after himself for the first time and he thinks he is doing a great job! Valkyrie does not agree.

Author’s note: I started something called the quarantine series as a way to help others get through this tough time. To join in just write a one shot and tag it with #quarantine series. Also if you do join in please message me so I can see it :)

Since the destruction of Asgard, Loki and the remaining Asgardians lived on Earth. They lived in Norway where it was rainy and cold. Loki loved it.

Loki would walk up and down the pier greeting all those he saw. Everything about New Asgard was perfect for him. The weather was cold. The people were nice. The new food was delicious. The only thing that Loki didn’t like is all the responsibilities Valkyrie had placed upon him when she became the new king.

It’s not like it was hard or burdensome. He just didn’t want to do it. Valkyrie gave him the duty of watching over the people and keeping them out of trouble. That was the exact opposite of Loki. Well the old Loki. Loki was tryna to be a better person who actually was respected by his community. So with plenty of whining he spent all day every day watching and protecting the people.

There wasn’t much to watch since most of them spent their day fishing, weaving, or conversing with others. On days like this Loki (making sure no one was watching him) would take off his shoes, and dangle his feet into the icy water.

Today just so happened to be one of those days; so Loki was on the pier with a book and his bare pasty feet just kicking the water. He would be embarrassed if someone was to find him like this but at this time of day everyone was busy in their homes. So he allowed himself a little bit of relaxation and would occasionally scoop down to splash the water. Loki loved the way it chilled his skin and relaxed his blood.

Before leaving his room Loki hadn’t listen to Thor’s advice to not stay out long cause there was a big storm coming. He had just ran out like his Asgardian ass was on fire. So when the first raindrop touched his skin Loki was pissed. He gathered up his shoes and ran home to avoid the down pour that was sure to come. His feet sliding in mud puddles as he went. By the time he reached the home he shared with Thor and Valkyrie he had mud clear up to his knees. He was like a wet dog.

He walked in and his feet left little black imprints across the linoleum flooring. He sat his shoes down by the door and immediately went to the sink to wash his hands that were now also covered in mud. The brown water splashing over the dishes that were in the sink. After he was done he stripped his wet muddy clothes off and threw them into the laundry room. Someone would clean up after him. They always did. Not caring that he left a huge mess in his arrival Loki retired to his bed to take a much needed nap. It was tiring to be a good person.

“LOKI ODINSON. GET YOUR JOTUN ASS IN HERE.”

Loki immediately woke up from his nap. Damn it Valkyrie. She knew that he didn’t sleep well at night and always came home for a afternoon siesta. How dare she disrupt it. This better me good Loki thought to himself.

Loki quickly slid on a pair of pants and a black shirt and made his way into the kitchen. There waiting for him was a very pissed off Valkyrie.

“So I am not sure if you think there’s a maid coming in, but there’s not. There is mud on the floor, the dishes, and the laundry. And you just left it there.” Valkyrie stood there with her arms crossed. He would never admit it but Valkyrie mad was a little intimidating.

“Val.”

“Don’t Val me. Thor and I have been cleaning up after you since we moved here. It’s one thing to wash your three pairs of black clothes but it’s another when you act like a pig.”

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.” Loki said. He didn’t get what the big deal was but knew it was best to just try to make her less angry.

“You’re right you won’t because today you will be not the god of mischief but the god of cleaning. So get a pair of gloves cause it’s about to get dirty.”

Val left after briefly describing how she normally cleaned everything. She of course left him with a list of things to clean. She said she would return in awhile to check in on him and he had better be finished. Never in his life had he had to perform such belittling tasks. He was a god. He should not have to tidy up anything. Valkyrie was his king and he would respect her orders. So he slid on the pink rubber gloves she had left him and stared at the mess before him.

Loki thought these tasks would be easy but they were far from it.

First up was laundry and he couldn’t tell the difference between the soap and the softener. They looked the same to him. He had no clue how much to put in or how much clothes went in one load. Loki assumed it was as easy as just add soap, add water, add clothes, and then bam clean. With that mindset he stuck in 2 cups of each liquid and toss all the clothes in the hamper in the water. He closed the lid and mentally checked it off his list.

Next, he was to mop the entrance and the kitchen of the brown mud foot prints he had left. The mop was soaking wet and he had no clue how splashing water all over the floor, circling it with a cloth was going to make anything clean. He tried to ring out the mop but is uncoordinated spoiled ass kept hitting himself in the face with the end each time. He grew so tired that he dumped the whole mop bucket across the floor and said fuck it. It would dry and when it did it better be rid of mud or he would set the mop and bucket on fire.

To the dishes which he assumed would be the easiest. He filled the sink with water and began to scrub at the plates and cups. The whole issue was that they had been sitting in the sink for hours so the mud was dry and hard. So he struggled to return the dishes back to their white state. He was a god and surely he could buy new dishes so if he couldn’t get it off he just threw them in the trash. It made his job extremely easy because when he was done they were left with one plate, one bowl, one cup, and a handful of spoons. Everything else was broken in the trash.

He assume he was done and believed he did a good job. As he was drying the remaining dishes Valkyrie arrived back home. She walked in and was immediately disappointed. She saw the dishes that laid shattered in the trash and the puddle of water that formed around the sink.

She reached in to the trash to pick up the remains of her favorite coffee cup.

“Loki, you can’t just break everything when you can’t figure it out.”

“What do you mean? Of course I can. See?” Loki slammed the one remaining plate to the ground. The shards now floating in the water.

“Problem? No more!”

“LOKI.”

“I don’t know why you’re so mad. You’ll never have to do dishes again. We will just eat out.”

“No. Loki. What about the floor? It’s soaked and ruined.”

“Okay well let’s throw down some sea salt and act like it’s the beach. I do love me some fun.”

“Loki you are so..” Valkyrie never finished her sentence because at once there was a loud commotion coming from the laundry room.

“LOKI WHAT DID YOU DO?”

“The laundry. Like you asked.”

Soapy water came pouring underneath the door. The water now mixing with the muddy water.

“Hey! At least the floor will be clean.” Loki said. It was true. The soap would rid the mud from the floor. The way he winged everything and yet it was going so smoothly for him. No dishes, a clean floor, and laundry was done. Good job Loki.

Valkyrie slowly opened the door and screamed. The washer was overflowing with water and soap. She quickly ran to turn the water off. Loki stepped through the water to see if the clothes were at least clean. Much to his surprise they were clean and now pink! Wow the magic of this machine!

Valkyrie came up behind him to discover the state of the clothes. She sighed.

“Loki did you not sort the clothes? Like I said specifically said to.”

“I did. I sorted the clothes from the hamper.”

“You turned them pink. You broke the washer. You broke all our dishes. You ruined the floor. Loki, you are to never do chores again.”

“I would rather burn this whole house down than touch another plate.”

“Well because of you that won’t be a problem. “ Valkyrie walked off. She would spend the rest of the day calling maintenance and repair shops to come fix the mess Loki had made.

“You’re welcome.” Loki smirked. He was proud of himself. He didn’t want to clean and yet he did such a great job. Such a great job she never wanted him to do it again. He considered that a win. He would be more considerate in the future but damn no one can solve the dishes like he can. Valkyrie is probably just mad that she didn’t think of the idea of breaking all the dishes.

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lowkeyassgard · 4 years

Note

Can you imagine Loki doing chores and like miserably failing? Like white clothes turn pink and he breaks like 500 dishes 😂😂😂

DAY 5 OF LOKI VS. EARTH: CHORES

Day 5 of the quarantine series and today I did something a little different. Inspired by the ask above I decided to not write Loki as pissed off but as smug.

One shot summary: Loki is asked to clean up after himself for the first time and he thinks he is doing a great job! Valkyrie does not agree.

Since the destruction of Asgard, Loki and the remaining Asgardians lived on Earth. They lived in Norway where it was rainy and cold. Loki loved it.

“LOKI ODINSON. GET YOUR JOTUN ASS IN HERE.”

Loki quickly slid on a pair of pants and a black shirt and made his way into the kitchen. There waiting for him was a very pissed off Valkyrie.

“Val.”

“Don’t Val me. Thor and I have been cleaning up after you since we moved here. It’s one thing to wash your three pairs of black clothes but it’s another when you act like a pig.”

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.” Loki said. He didn’t get what the big deal was but knew it was best to just try to make her less angry.

“You’re right you won’t because today you will be not the god of mischief but the god of cleaning. So get a pair of gloves cause it’s about to get dirty.”

Loki thought these tasks would be easy but they were far from it.

She reached in to the trash to pick up the remains of her favorite coffee cup.

“Loki, you can’t just break everything when you can’t figure it out.”

“What do you mean? Of course I can. See?” Loki slammed the one remaining plate to the ground. The shards now floating in the water.

“Problem? No more!”

“LOKI.”

“I don’t know why you’re so mad. You’ll never have to do dishes again. We will just eat out.”

“No. Loki. What about the floor? It’s soaked and ruined.”

“Okay well let’s throw down some sea salt and act like it’s the beach. I do love me some fun.”

“Loki you are so..” Valkyrie never finished her sentence because at once there was a loud commotion coming from the laundry room.

“LOKI WHAT DID YOU DO?”

“The laundry. Like you asked.”

Soapy water came pouring underneath the door. The water now mixing with the muddy water.

Valkyrie came up behind him to discover the state of the clothes. She sighed.

“Loki did you not sort the clothes? Like I said specifically said to.”

“I did. I sorted the clothes from the hamper.”

“You turned them pink. You broke the washer. You broke all our dishes. You ruined the floor. Loki, you are to never do chores again.”

“I would rather burn this whole house down than touch another plate.”

“Well because of you that won’t be a problem. “ Valkyrie walked off. She would spend the rest of the day calling maintenance and repair shops to come fix the mess Loki had made.

#quarantine series #loki #loki odinson #loki of asgard #loki of jotunheim #loki oneshot #loki fanfic #marvel fanfic #marvel one shot #tom hiddleston one shot #valkyrie #valkyrie one shot #loki smut #tom holland one shot #tom hiddleston smut #marvel smut

27 notes · View notes

lowkeyassgard · 4 years

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DAY 4 OF LOKI VS. EARTH: CACTUS

Day 4 of the quarantine series and today Loki is pissed off by a cactus.

One shot summary: Loki just wanted his new book but got something a little more spikey.

Loki Odinson was not a summer kind of guy. He hated the sun. He hated the heat. He hated the exposed skin of the humans he saw walking by. He hated it all.

When it was warm outside Loki stayed very much indoors. He would lock himself away in his room with a book and stay there until it was dark outside. This is exactly how he had spent his first summer on Midgard so far. He had read through all the books Thor had brought him and he even started ordering some on some human site called kindle.

Loki only went outside when asked or deemed necessary. It had been a few days since he had left the home and today he had his first shipment of books coming in. Much to his disappointment they did not bring the books to your bedroom. They left the package in your mailbox or on your porch. Since this was just one book Loki knew he would have to go all the way out to retrieve it.

Valkyrie told him that the mail ran by noon everyday so when he saw the clock read 11:30 he began to mentally prepare himself. He was a god.. A little sun would not kill him.

Upon hearing the mail truck stop at his home Loki slipped on his shoes and grabbed the sunglasses Valkyrie had bought him and trembly reached out for the door knob.

As he opened the door his focus on the book disappeared because there on his porch sat a flower? Yes a flower. Loki was absolutely puzzled.

So puzzled that he briefly slid his sunglasses up to make sure he was seeing clearly.

There was a flower on his porch. Who would leave him a flower? Loki not being able to resist the curiosity picked up the pot. There in the dirt was a piece of paper attached to a stick that read “To bring a little summer in your home.”

Sorry to whomever brought him this but this flower was ugly. Completely hideous. It had no leaves or no pretty colors. It was just green and circular. It’s only other feature was spikes.. Loki knew because he poked his nose on one trying to smell it. It didn’t even smell nice. This was the ugliest thing he had ever seen and he had seen his own father naked once.

Loki didn’t want this flower or summer nowhere near the inside of his home. He just wanted his book that was waiting for him to retrieve from the mail box.

Loki couldn’t just leave this flower here though. Valkyrie a few weeks ago had brought him a book on the environment and how to be more environmentally friendly. She thought it would help him come more to the liking of summer. It did not but from his reading Loki knew that he couldn’t just let this plastic container with a ugly ass flower just sit here and waste away. So Loki thought up the great idea of taking out the flower, throwing it to the yard next door(where it could grow peacefully) and reusing the plastic as a holder for his knives

Loki was anti summer not a monster. With his great idea he reached down to grab the plant out of the holder. He grabbed it with both hands and let out a scream that the whole neighborhood probably heard.

“OH MY JOTUN.” Loki hollered out. This plant had spikes all over. This plant was no flower. It was a nuance. Loki was going to do a good act and allow it to grow in his neighbors yard and this is how it repaid him.

This plant entire existence should be ended and spent in hel. He was a god and it dare injured him.

Loki went back inside with his hands full of spikes and grabbed the lighter he kept in the end drawer of his island. He held the lighter between his fingers to avoid making contact with the spikes.

Once back outside he got on his knees and prepared to punish the plant in the way he believed it deserved.

Right as he was going to flick the button he heard his brother, Thor, yell out.

“Loki, What in Valhalla are you doing?

“Brother. This unknown species appeared on my porch and it defaced my skin.”

“Loki. Loki. It’s just a flower. “ Thor said as he reached down to remove it from its spot on the porch. Immediately he yelled out and threw the cactus toward Loki. Loki not wanting the cactus to hit him in the face reached up and grabbed it. Again he felt this plant intrude on his perfect hands.

Loki yelped and threw it back at his brother. Who again caught and threw it back. If anyone walked past they would be questioning what in the world these men were doing. Standing on the porch throwing a cactus back and forth. Why didn’t they just drop it? Why were they playing hot potato with it?

Loki was afraid to let the cactus fall anywhere else but his hands. He didn’t want it to harm anything else. He wanted to be the one to deal with it. But how when with each catch many more spikes filled his hands. So there him and Thor sat tossing this plant back and forth like it was a ball. Each taking turns yelling out in pain and throwing it back in the air. Their immediate response was to throw back in the air which it came from and to rejoice in the few moments of it not being in their hands.

Not being able to take anymore Loki threw a blast of energy at the cactus mid air. The whole plant caught on fire and fell to the ground. Once on the ground Loki watched it with disappointment. Loki felt like burning all of its kind to the ground.

Loki and Thor sat there and watched the cactus turn to a black crisp. Their hands bleeding and full of spikes. They say there on the porch and questioned why this plant species would even exist. Was it’s purpose just to be a complete nuance to society?

As the brothers sat there in confusion, Valkyrie approached their home.

“Oh my god. You destroyed the cactus I got you.” Valkyrie gasped.

“Cactus more like SPAWN OF ODIN.”

“Loki you’re been holed up you in your room so I brought you this. I thought it would be good company since it’s so easy to take care of.” Valkyrie said.

He supposed it would have been easy to take care of. It could have just sat on his counter and now here it laid on his porch.

“WellI. Valkyrie it’s also easy to burn.” Loki now feeing silly that he ruined a nice gift from his friend.

Valkyrie coming over to the two of them. “Loki is there anything you won’t burn? I’m running out of gift ideas.”

Loki just laughed. They spent the next four hours removing the spikes from Loki and Thor’s hands. They knew that they would look back and laugh at this. Loki did like to burn things. Especially things he didn’t understand. Cactus are ugly and useless. To Loki they will always be qualified to burn. But next time there’s a gift on his door step he will give it more than 5 minutes before burning it.

On this fine summer day, Loki added cacti to the list of useless things that exist on Earth and to his personal list of “burned before I thought “

#quarantine series #tom hiddleston #loki #loki smut #loki one shot #loki fic #loki imagine #loki of asgard #loki of jotunheim #loki odinson #loki friggason #loki laufeyson #thor odinson #thor #thor fic #marvel #marvel fic #marvel one shot #tom hiddleston smut

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lowkeyassgard · 4 years

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DAY 3 OF LOKI VS. EARTH: CHINESE FINGER TRAP

Day 3 of the quarantine series and today Loki is pissed off and defeated by a Chinese finger trap.

One shot summary: It’s Loki’s birthday but what will he do when he finds himself stuck and defeated in more ways than one.

Author’s note: I started something called the quarantine series as a way to help others get through this tough time. To join in just write a one shot and tag it with #quarantine series.

Loki never truly celebrated his birthday. Birthdays weren’t a big deal to Asgardians . When you live thousands of years you just don’t see the point of celebrating every year. Loki deemed himself hard to kill; so of course he would be alive another year. He didn’t think much about his birthday or even his age. He just lived his life like there was no end to the mischief.

Loki’s birthday was today and he wanted to spend the day sharpening his knives and greasing his hair. It took a lot of effort to look as good as he always did. Loki also knew that since finding out he was adopted he didn’t care much any type of celebration. What was there to celebrate? A life of lies and deceit?

Thor had informed his brother of his return from Midgard a week prior to Loki’s birthday. Thor had said something about this year being different and wanting to give Loki something. Loki had no clue what his brother would even think of giving him. He loved his brother but giving gifts was out of the ordinary.

Thor was definitely up to something but Loki couldn’t figure out what.

Loki laid in his bed with the black satin sheets draped over him. He wasn’t naked. Fully dressed in his usual green and gold Asgardian clothing. He wasn’t cold. Sweating to be honest. He wasn’t tired. Completely awake. Loki was sulking.

Loki was sulking because even though he said his birthday was no big deal not a single person had come in the search of him. No one to admire him on his day. Yes he has lived for thousands of years and didn’t see the point of celebrating every year but didn’t change the fact that he wanted to be appreciated.

Suddenly there came a knock at the door and Loki saw his brother’s blonde hair followed by his face peek over the edge of the door.

“Brother? Are you sulking? On a fine day like this?”

“No. I am not sulking. I am saving my energy.. for uh events.” Loki groaned out. He had no want for his brother’s cocky attitude. Of course he was sulking. The people of this place did not celebrate him.

“Well I bring a gift.” Thor said and began to walk toward Loki’s bed. Loki sat up and rolled his eyes at his pestering brother.

“What are you waiting for?” Loki said. He just wanted to be left alone to sulk in peace.

Instead of answering him, Thor handed Loki a woven rectangular contraption. Loki was bewildered. This was his gift. His gift of all gifts. He had heard Thor praise this gift for a week for it to be smaller than his finger and uglier than the things he saw in the Asgardian trinket shops.

Loki was confused by the purpose of this contraception. He stuck his index finger in the one end of the contraception just to feel if there was anything hidden. To his disappointment there was not.. He tried to remove his finger to realize that it was stuck. Loki stuck in his other index finger to be able to pul the other end off. Realizing his mistake too late his fingers were completely stuck.

“What kind of joke is this brother?” Loki hissed out.. He pulled and pulled only to find the woven material tighter around his fingers. It was stronger than any material he had ever discovered on Midgard. Why would Thor give this to him as a gift? To imprison him here?

“No joke brother. I’ve heard you say for weeks that there is nothing on Midgard that you couldn’t overcome. How Asgardians are better than Midgardians. Well go ahead. Remove your fingers.”

Loki let out a laugh. He should have known this was another one of Thor’s lessons. Loki didn’t think he was better than humans. He knew he was better. He had powers, knowledge, and experience far past anything their weak feeble minds could comprehend. He could get out of a simple woven contraception like this.

“I’ll be back in an hour. Let’s see what state you’ll be in then.” With that Thor turned and left Loki alone in the room.

For 45 minutes Loki pulled, twisted, and turned his fingers in every direction they could possibly go. He even tried to shape shift into animals just to discover that this treacherous toy was still attached to him

Loki was convinced that if he didn’t get this device off that he would lose his fingers. Who would he be then? Everyone knew that power came from your hands more than anywhere. Without full control of his hands Loki stood no chance against it. He screamed in defeat

He might have lost but he would find a way. He would not let Thor return to see him still in entrapment.

When Thor returned one hour later Loki was happily reading a book in his bed. He licked his index finger to turn the page and smirked at Thor.

“Ahh Brother. You did it! See Midgard is not as bad and stupid as you wish to make it out to be. May I bring you another Midgardian gift to keep your mind churning and ego checked.”

Loki just smiled. He said goodbye and watched as his brother left his room for the last time for who knows how long.

As soon as Thor was gone the glimmer of the illusion faded away. There sat Loki in a state of derangement and anger. His body covered in sweat and his hair sticking to his face. His clothes were drenched with his own perspiration and his room lay in ruins. He had tried everything. Everything but the one way to release a Chinese Finger Trap.

Loki stayed like that for 3 days until one morning he woke up and his servant had entered his room. Upon seeing his state she let out a giggle. She immediately came over and cut the material down the middle. Upon the release of his fingers he used his powers to instantly heal them.

“Push not pull.” Loki’s servant said before leaving him with a tray of food.

Loki sat there humiliated as it hit him by what she meant. All he had to do was push his fingers in to release the tension. All he had to do and yet for three days he suffered.

Oh Jotun. Loki why must you make everything so complicated.

If this made you laugh just stay tuned tomorrow when Loki is pissed off by bouncy balls. :)

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lowkeyassgard · 4 years

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DAY 2 OF LOKI VS EARTH: UMBRELLAS

Day 2 of the quarantine series and today Loki is pissed off and confused by umbrellas.

One shot summary: Loki is pissed and utterly confused when he finds his brother’s hammer in the streets of New York. Or is what he believes to be Thor’s hammer.

Authors note: I started something called the quarantine serieis for myself and other writers to do to help boast the morales during this hard time. If you wish to join just write a soft or light hearted one shot and tag it quarantine series.

It was a dark and cloudy day when Loki was walking through the streets to find his way to the nearest bar. He didn’t care much for Midgardian alcohol but he would take what he could get. He had been living on Earth for a few weeks and still had much to get used to.

To be honest he didn’t care much for Earth. It was dirty, smelled horribly, and the people acted as though they lacked common sense and any desire for real pleasure. Loki thought that at least on Earth he could have fun but all people wanted to do was sit at home in front of a tv. They had no clue what they were missing.

The wind blew awfully hard as Loki picked up his pace. He crossed his arms to attempt to block the wind from seeping into his black jacket. It hadn’t rained yet but Loki knew if he didn’t reach his destination soon he would find himself soaked.

Loki turned the corner onto Pine Street and there laid his brother hammer. Well not the actual hammer but the disguise of Thor’s hammer. Loki found that strange. Was his brother near by? No, Thor should be in Asgard tending to the people. He wouldn’t just leave it here. Would he? Was this a trick to test Loki’s true intentions on Earth.

Loki couldn’t resist the temptation or the curiosity. He walked over to it and kneeled before it. He stared at it. It looked like what his brother used while on Midgard. Loki reached out a finger and poked the contraception. With the weight of his finger it moved. If that was his brother hammer it wouldn’t have moved? Only if…. Loki quickly grabbed it and felt it easily lift up. Was he worthy? Was he finally worthy?

He thrusted the contraception into the air and closed his eyes in preparation for the power that would surge through him and the device. Nothing happened. Was he doing this right? Loki tried again but this time let out a mighty holler. Nothing. Loki opened his eyes and noticed there was a button on the side of the device. Ahh this must be it. Ready to finally be worthy and good, Loki thrusted it into the sky as he hit the button. The top of the contraception came open and blocked the sun from view.

This wasn’t his brothers hammer. It was an imposter. A human must have made this and be walking around the city pretending to be Thor. When Loki found this man or maybe even woman he would put an end to their identity thief ways.

In the meantime Loki would get rid of this contraception to avoid anyone else picking it up and deciding to be an imposter. Loki began to hit it the device off the concrete but all the device did was scrunch up the top. It was stronger than he thought. He would just throw it far away so it couldn’t be found. Loki took and threw it in the air as far as he could. He turned to walk back the way he came now fancying the diner down the street.

He immediately felt something hit his back. “What the..” Loki turned around and there laid the contraception. He could not believe this. Never in his life has something been so hard to get rid of.. Now angry Loki picked the contraception back up and threw it against the concrete. The tip of the contraception hit the ground and bounced back up; hitting Loki right in the face.

“AHH JOTUN.” Loki screamed. Now he really was pissed. He had promised to not use his powers on Earth but he would not be defeated by such a useless item. He surged up all the strength and power in his body and blasted the contraception with energy. The contraception exploded and there it laid in many pieces.

Loki was content. He showed it who was boss. He smoothed out his jacket and continued to walk down the street. Loki triumphantly marched down the street eager to treat himself to a nice cold beverage and hot soup. Above Loki he began to hear rumbling; he looked up to feel the first drop of rain.

It quickly began to pour. Thor was angry with him but why.

“BROTHER I DID IT FOR YOU.” Loki screamed to the sky. His clothes were drenched and his hair was beginning to stick to his face. Now he was just confused. Wet and confused. He thought he was doing a good act for someone he cared about. He was protecting his brother’s identity.

“Excuse me sir? Do you need an umbrella?” Loki heard a man say to him. Loki looked to see that this man was holding a contraception identical to the one he just destroyed but blue. How was this possible?

“How do you get that?” Loki snatched it from the man.

“Woah man it’s okay. I bought it but looks like you need it more than me.”

The man walked away.

“Umbrella? Bought??” Loki said to himself. He looked down at the umbrella. He looked back up to realize that all of the people in the street were now carrying umbrellas.

“So it’s true. These humans really do worship my brother. They all want to be like him.”

Loki hit the button on the umbrella and continued to walk toward the diner.

Who was Loki to stop people from being the people they wanted to be. Loki couldn’t judge. He switched between him and his femininity side quite often. These people were all just trying to embrace their inner god. To each their own.

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lowkeyassgard · 4 years

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DAY 1 OF LOKI VS EARTH: CARGO SHORTS

Loki One Shot Series about Loki being pissed off by earthly objects that he doesn’t understand or finds absolutely useless.

Oneshot summary: Loki hated Cargo Shorts from the moment he put them one. They were hideous and impractical. He hated even more that Thor made him wear them.

Warning: mention of bleeding

Author’s Note: This is just something fun for me to write to get through this quarantine. Also sassy dramatic pissed off loki is my favorite. Enjoy!

Loki stared at himself in the mirror questioning why anyone in their right mind would want to wear these..

He was in cargo shorts. Thor had talked him into wearing them because something about needed vitamins from the sun.

Loki hated the sun. It made his skin burn and his eyes hurt. He didn’t know how Midgardians took pleasure in sitting out in the sun for hours. Since coming to Midgard on the orders of Thor he watched in disappointment and confusion.

He didn’t come here in his own accords. He came here because he is attempting to be better. He had done a lot of wrong in the past. Some would even say murderous. He didn’t remember much of that time ; just that he wanted to not be that person anymore. He wanted the humans and his people to respect and adore him. To chant his name when he walked in the room. To whisper fondly of their great admiration for the God of Mischief.

So Loki set out on a conquest to be more than just the God of Mischief. . He did favors for his brother and Valkyrie. He would help the people. Yes help. It made Loki cringe at the words but really it wasn’t so bad.

What was bad was these shorts. These hideous shorts that did nothing for his figure and made him look like a old man. They were black which was a plus but they were loose fitting and just hideous. There was so many pockets and yet none of them big enough to fit anything that Loki wished to carry. He wanted to carry his knife and yet every time he tried to put it in the pocket it cut through.

When Loki saw Thor he would give him a peace of his mind. How dare Thor send loki these shorts and call them a gift. This is no gift. This is a contraception that belonged in that Midgardian hell. How dare he joke about Loki showing his long legs off. His brother was a nuance like that. Trying to help him be better but made sure he hated every moment of it.

“Get some sun. Show off those legs. Smile at people. Who does he think I am Steve Rogers?” Loki mocked his brother.

He spun around to try to see how the back half of him looked like. Nothing. Flat as a cutting board. A damn travesty these cargo shorts were. How was he supposed to go out and save the world in shorts that couldn’t even support him??

Loki groaned. He knew there was no getting out of this so he picked up his knife and shoved it into the pocket near his knee. At least there it would stay in place.

Loki took the first step our of the room when he cried out in pain.

“AHH JOTUN.” He looked down to see the blue knife pierced into his knee.

Oh, Thor better watch himself. When Loki got to him he would make him pay. Give him his own hell contraception.

“AHH” Loki groaned out again when the knife pierced into his knee even more. He was a god. He could take a little knife play. He would march to the town square blood dripping and all.

Loki didn’t make it out of the house before crying out in defeat. He pulled the bloody knife and figured the next best spot would be up by his waist to prevent it from being lodged or knocked out. These damn cargo shorts would pay for by the end of the day he would use his knife to cut them into pieces and rightfully burn them.

Loki went to stick the knife in the pocket by his waist when he heard a clank on the floor. He looked down and there was his knife. He didn’t understand. How did it already fall out? He reached over and picked it back up. He tried again only to see his knife land back on the floor. With his blood boiling he looked down to expect there was actually a pocket there. Just a fake outline

“Fake pockets? Is there anything humans don’t fake?”

He carried his knife in his hand while he pettily walked to the square to meet his brother. When Thor saw him he immediately laughed so hard he almost fell over.

If looks could kill Thor would be six feet under.

“What? You said you wanted to be more than the God of Mischief. So I thought why not God of Cargo Shorts.” Thor said.

Loki threw his knife landing it in the wood pole that stood beside his brother. “N-Not funny”

Loki never wore cargo shorts again.

Ha ha. Little stabby baby bitch can’t handle some ugly cargo shorts. Stay tuned for tomorrow when Loki gets easily pissed off by bouncy balls

#quarantine series

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lowkeyassgard · 4 years

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NEW ONESHOT IDEA FOR WRITERS

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lowkeyassgard · 4 years

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NEW ONESHOT IDEA FOR WRITERS

#marvel #tom hiddleston #tom holland #loki #peter parker #spiderman #loki of asgard #tom hiddleston fic #tom holland fic #quarantine series