exhalenow612

[exhalenow612]

“Weird” - Hanson

Before we begin, do not judge my song choice until I have said my piece.

Is it odd in a world to feel so out of place? Being in a room with people you have kicked it with for so long, but feel so far away. I know they care about me and love me. I just cannot seem to bring myself back into orbit. Listen to words being said and just kind of being on autopilot. Smile when you can, agree when you need to, and laugh when its time. I can hear what is being said, and loving the time but I am also floating outside of myself just looking out.

Society has told us to look a certain way, talk a certain way, act a certain way, and to feel loved if you have a long list of friends. I know I have support all around me from friends, my husband, and some of my family. I just cannot help orbiting around myself feel so out of place, so muted. Maybe its my mental illness or maybe its because I cannot see beyond my broken self worth. Today was a hard day, and so was yesterday. Anxious, impatient, alone, scared, wrecked, and sad. All signs of depression, and I get that but what do I do to shake it?

Maybe I am missing something or being too hard on myself. I wanna feel right again and I want to fit into my world again. I know my world isn't perfect but it made me happy none the less. All these decisions weighing on me, taking all the words to heart from everything going on around me. What happened to the person called “the life of the party, the savage person I was? I used to think I was over opinionated and right now, I would kill to be that guy again. Have broken myself so bad that I am beyond repair. I appreciate everyone in my life, and thank them for standing by me during my down times. For now I will keep working to clear my sky so I can see the sun. You can't have sun without rain.

“Isn't it hard, standing in the rain, yeah you're on verge of going crazy, and your heart's in pain, no one can hear but you're screaming so loud, you feel like you're all alone in faceless crowd, isn't it strange how we all get a little weird sometimes?”

#gay #life #hurt #depression #friends #family #bipolar #weird #handson #strange #alone #crowd #grateful #sad #pansexual #poly #decisions #heart

[exhalenow612]

“clementine” - Halsey

Each day we are faced with new choices, new decisions, and new paths. We have the choice to take an easy path, or the hard path. We have the choice to fight or suffer in silence. I like to think that I grew and learned choose my battles as well as when to give my opinion. I have recently been facing a new path that I have been looking into but I am so scared if it. My husband and I have been exploring the world of Polyamory. The world sounds so nice, free, and loving. My brain in the other hand loves the light it brings, but my brain sees everything as also a dark and scary forest. A forest growling the uncertainty at me.

Each time I think about it I feel thrilled, but I also get this sinking feeling in my stomach. A feeling that pulls at my very core, the thought if my husband holding another man like he holds me, confessing attachment or feelings. Will I be pushed out the picture? Will I even find someone(s) to connect with? Will everyone figure out how boring I am? Why am I feeling jealous? They say these feelings come from somewhere, some other root cause to them. What if you know where they come from but you just can't get them to stop? Was I always this broken? Am I the only one who feels this way or has felt this way?

There is no clear answers and I know this, I know the answers are with in me, and sometimes the experiences of others can help. We have heard and met couples that it has actually worked for. A Primary relationship, and then Secondary relationships. Guidelines(rules/laws make it seem like there is no room fir mistakes) to follow, communication, and being sure that your focus stay on your marriage while communicating but also connecting with others. Imagine, being able to come home to your lover and them listening with love while you tell them about as connection you made or some fun you have been having with someone that cares and respects you? Sounds so amazing, sounds so thrilling, and free. Free to love, free for fun, and free to let your lover have their own life outside of you. Being your own person, and have individuality to be your best self. While still loving the same man, who is your biggest fan. Where is my hang up? Has it been so beat into me about monogamy and just one true love?

Why is it only one true love? If you marry someone and the love changes or even leaves, does that mean you never fall in love again? We see it everyday that someone who has lost their love, finds a new love and becomes happy again. If I love my husband so deeply, why should I wait for him to leave (divorce or death) to make other connections and share love with others? I am a firm believer that you never know who you will fall for (which is why I believe everyone is a bit pansexual) but also how many people you can fall fir at one time. I don't find open relationships, swingers, poly, fetish, etc to be icky. So again where is my hang ups?

My husband recently made a friend. For the first time I feel so anxious about this man, and my husband tells me he is not interested in him outside of friends (maybe with benefits). There is just something about this man that legit makes me so uneasy. He has NEVER done anything to me as well as I have now even hung out with him and he is super nice and so laid back. My husband is handsome and sexy, and it scares me to think that this other handsome man could possibly get to enjoy my husband as well. He is tall, dark, cultured, well built, and financially stable. Which scares me because when I look at me I think “short, kinda tan, fat, dumpy, a financial, and mental mess”. I know my husband loves me and tells me how attractive I am, and I know its genuine and I can feel but, I still cannot find my hang up. Am I slightly jealous someone like this new guy has spoken to me? I feel like when I log into Grindr its always so quiet but my husband's phone is going off ALL DAY which leads me to think poly won't work because I am unattractive.I know it won't work because I cannot get through these feelings or stop comparing myself to others.

At this point in time I feel like such a burden, emotionally stunted, even like a child. New things are scaring me, frozen like a deer in headlights. Am I holding my husband back? After dealing with all my anxiety and mental issues will he just get fed up? Will he walk away? Will I walk away if we try it? What if it eats me alive? Why the hell am I like this? What in the actual FUCK is wrong with me? I have researched, I have listened to podcasts, read books, and I was even shown by my husband's friend an episode of Explore which had the topic of monogamy reviewed. It honestly is not a natural human thing, its something we have learned and forced to make natural. I will continue to work through my emotions and my growth and hopefully I will have made my decision on which path to choose. Once my anxiety is in check, I can stop making my own “what ifs”, learn to work through jealousy, and learn some self worth.

I chose the song “clementine” by Halsey because its deep and I think can help someone understand the softer side of me and the uncertainty I feel each day.

“ I don't need anyone, I just need everyone and then some” <3

#gay #life #pain #hurt #husband #love #poly #dating #anxiety #selfesteem #questions #selfworth #monogamy #natural #whatifs #fat #ugly #hot #handsom #loss

[exhalenow612]

“Forgive Me” - Phora

I feel like each day my mind never rests with everything that runs through my brain.

Recently I have been doing some searching of how I got to where I am emotionally and mentally. I have been struggling to see a mental health provider as well as finding the correct medicines to help me, but also I am struggling with letting go of my past. Anxiety, Bipolar, and Depression. It feels like that is all people see when they look at me, and it legit ways on my brain all the time (guess that is where anxiety comes in). At the same time, I feel like family wise, and even some of the people I thought were friends (even partners) have just beat me down (I am sure I am not innocent at times) and just kind of impacted my self esteem along with how my brain sees myself. I see my self as fat, disgusting, lazy, not well endowed, and stupid. My loved one assure me that is not the case but I can never ever shake it. Could it be how I was raised, how people around me treated me, or am I just damaged? How can I let go? How can I not be crazy?

In High school I loved a girl, and she sure as hell crushed me, and everything about me. Cheating and lying. I thought I would just get over it cause it was on her for being cold and cruel. After her, I dated in and off with men and women (some are just amazing friends now). It wasn't until I met the mysterious bi boy that I was truly smitten with my first boy. He seemed so mart and so accepting, and I wanted him to want me, but it wasn't too long that the lies set in, the fighting, and then the betrayal. I was crushed and feeling like I was not enough. Fate had another plan in store for me, because I met my husband. Out of the fog he came, so tender and kind. It was a crazy rush if feelings (enter mushy Taylor Swift song here). I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or would someone pull the rug out from under me? The rug stayed in place, the ups and downs came, but never did he betray me. My first taste of unconditional love from a partner.

Our love life can shape us but so can your family. I have spoke before about the unconditional love you get from a mother, but also sometimes the horror of then also letting their mental health control everything. I would never want anything bad to happen to her, and within the correct means I will help her. I will though disconnect to live my live as I see fit. I have also explained earlier how my siblings are just shit, but that I am still in my little brother's life. My little brother is just like my youngest cousin from my aunt. Sociopaths that will rip your heart out and smile and say it wasn't them. Part of that me makes me feel bad cause I have a hard time forgiving them but I also have a hard time letting them go. I grew up in a family where the will support you, as long as they benefit or they were having good day that day, how shitty? A young man trying to figure out who he is in this giant world and walking eggshells to not ignite another family war.

I recently learned that all this baggage in life has just been eating me on the inside, because I am so afraid of myself and others. “This person is around me cause they are stuck, need something, feel better with how ugly/damaged/dumb I am, or because they are afraid to hurt me.” I get this creeping feeling like I am doing something that makes them see something bad or dull about me. I know that there will always someone who does something better or is better looking but what if someone just notices how dull or lame I am? Will they move on and leave me behind? I get so anxious thinking of all these things and I am so afraid that I will never measure up or do any fucking thing right. For now, I have to learn to let go of the negative while I learn to love myself. It will be a long road and I ask for everyone to patient, but show my gratitude to the people who help as I navigate this journey.

There has been a lot of discussion with my husband if we may want to become Polyamorous. It was something that I had actually brought up in the past. We are already open sexually, but do I want to allow someone to feel the same unconditional love I receive from my husband? Will he notice I am lame, boring, and dull? I don't want to sound codependent on him, cause I can function as a whole adult and go out without him, but am I willing to take a chance on allowing someone allow him away from? He recently made a friend who legit just intimidates with just all that he is about (and no I do not expect my husband to not be their friend). It is just a scary thought. We spoke about keeping the marriage the strong and primary foundation but being about to show love and have multiple connections with humans who can teach us more and fill in gaps/needs we may have never knew we needed. Sounds fantastic to me, but why does it scare me? Why am I frozen in fear and anxiety. I love my husband and trust him but the thought of a world where he is not with me, legit makes me crumble inside. I am exploring and researching and recently met someone who has quickly becoming a friend (thank you Hex) and has allowed me to use him as a sounding board but as well he is a fountain of knowledge as he is also Poly. I am continuing to research and gain knowledge each day, because this is something I am curious about and something I think could really be a good thing but its once I get my brain together since one minute its likes “HEY YOU WILL LOVE THIS!” to “YOUR HUSBAND WILL LEAVE!” The fear of getting back out there scares me too. Being not not only vulnerable and becoming something outside of what I have always known, but letting other humans get that part of you too. What if I never find any other connections? Am I even desirable to anyone? What if my husband loves cause he has gotten to know me, but others won't want to due to how I look or carry myself? Self love has to come first, so I can be the best me for my husband or for anyone else.

I know this post was crazy and all over and had so much information but its for you all to get to know me as well as for me to get my story out there. The song I chose is exactly how my brain feels, give it a listen.

“You Don't know my pain, cause I've always tried to keep, so far away from you, so you could never judge me, cause if you knew the real me, you probably wouldn't love me”

#family #pansexual #biboy #hurt #pain #selflove #journey #poly #gay #husband #life #forgive #crazy #bipolar #anxiety #depression #phora

[exhalenow612]

“Heavy” - Linkin Park

Good Day! I think today was the first day I did not wake up angry and crawling out of my skin which I am pretty happy about. I made the decision to take myself off of Facebook, I realized I use it as a platform to just scream and yell and spew anger. It was actually stressing the people who care about me and I do not want to do that to someone. So I took myself off until I learn how to act right. I am gonna try and process everything I can without publicly acting a fool. I have so much to sort through and sometimes I feel so weighed down its not even funny. Losing weight, quitting smoking, family drama, finding a new position at work, a new mental health provider. Being an adult is stressful but people can do it, and I know I can.

My anxiety goes through the roof during these times, and my brain sounds like:

FUCK YOU, YOU’RE FAT AND DUMB, YOU WERE A BAD PERSON IN YOUR PAST AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED, WHY ARE YOU SO UGLY, YOU WILL NEVER LOSE WEIGHT, YOU ONLY HAVE FRIENDS BECAUSE PEOPLE PITY YOU

A lot of this is my own voice but some if it is a repeat of familiar voices. These screams make me think “do you deserve too be happy?” They say your mistakes don’t define you but don’t they? especially if that is all someone is gonna think of? I am not sure, and I am unsure if what type of support I need. Some people will say “Just do this...” or “That is not what you want...” or “You wanna do this...” But is it? Cause I am weighing through all things I want and I want to for once be able to say “THIS IS MNY FUCKIN’ DECISION”. I do not want to chase anyone away or make them feel less. So I take it all in stride and just hope that things go smoothly.

Maybe I am handling it all wrong but I know there is more for me out there. 

“You say I’m paranoid, but I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me, It’s not like I make the choice, to let my mind stay so fuckin’ messy”

#gay #family #friends #drama #home #decision #advice #leave #fuck #blog #bipolar #life #hurt #pain #cry #linkinpark #heavy

[exhalenow612]

“One Step Closer” - Linkin Park

We live in a time where technology is everywhere and it is growing. The answer or the spelling is at your fingertips. Download a goddamn song in three seconds. We can build buildings into the sky and bridges for miles. Man made lakes and rivers. We can even make homes for animals that look identical to theirs. Smart houses that can do more and more each time. You know what we cannot seem to do as humans though? Get along. We do not know how to walk away, leave it alone, strive to be better, and just leave it. Millions and millions of humans on this planet and we not only need to bitch about someone to our friends. NO WAY! We need to make said person aware, either verbally, or physically. I am guilty of this myself and I get it for sure.

As humans we still do this with not only strangers but with people we share bloodlines or family ties with. Legit, like family fights all over the place. For example, there is one certain woman I know who has a son and they just fight about everything. Yelling and screaming and throwing things. THE MUSIC IS TOO FUCKING LOUD! YOU DIDN'T CLEAN THIS GODDAMN HOUSE! I NEED MONEY! Now granted those are only just a few of the things. There is much more that happens.

Imagine having to get the calls from each of them each and everyday. The past week I could not stomach it anymore. I got super down, and super angry. One of these said people seems to think I should take care of her cause financially they suck and had a couple of set backs. Financially, I am not doing much better but I also do not think I should have to change my living situation or how I want to live for the future they did not plan for. I am just not sure what to do anymore with these two animals. I refuse to change my life or my path. I want to go back to school and eventually build a home with just MY HUSBAND AND I!

I just needed to get something off my chest and into words. I am safe here and know I can. Till next time.

#family #gay #ties #life #hurt #fight #fighting #yell #young #mystory #yikes #rude #linkinpark #onestepcloser

[exhalenow612]

BiPolar

This is my life, and this is my diagnosis.

I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder but not the type most people thinking about. I am not a violent person (though I do get angry) and I am not manic. I am bipolar with episodes of depression. Each day I assume this defines who I am and what I will be. But is it??

I hate my body, my voice, my actions, and my brain. I am on a path trying to make myself better and become what I need to be. This day forward, I will blog and I will get my words where I need too!

#mentalhealth #gay #family #hurt #me #diagnosis #path #future #past

[exhalenow612]

“Intro III” - NF

It's been a minute since I blogged. I see I have some new followers so that is cool AF :))

Well let us start with what is new in life: I am married, my grandma passed away, I am coming to terms with my mental health, and I am being forced to move. I know that is a lot to catch up on. Right now I just want to address my mental health.

So a few months ago I was told by a therapist I was seeing that I should be evaluated for being bipolar. I did not want to grasp or believe it but knowing my actions with my friend a few months ago that I blogged about but also how i let everything just crash on me it most likely is going to be the case. I am set up to be evaluated on August 7th. This way I can get the right treatment and the right diagnosis. I am can be UP UP UP and lose weight and feel good, but then I go DOWN DOWN DOWN and become a hermit and gain all my weight back. It sucks, and it hurts. Like my brain is on FIRE.

My grandma passed away back on on June 20th, and you know what happens with families. They want to mend or they want to see what they can get from the dead family member. My grandma had NOTHING to her name. She was retired and living with my mom. So my mom tried to mend fences with the cousins i previously blogged about, and it backed fired. Fighting, arguing, screaming, bringing up the past, and of course the crying. My two cousins are nothing but animals and problem starters and each time, it brings me to a breakdown. I am not sure why but I begin to feel angry, anxious, guilty, and angry all at once when we involve them. It takes me weeks to get back to myself after a family argument. It also puts me in that bad place, that angry place. I take it out on people. I unleashed the wrath on my little brother due, he reminds me so much of my youngest cousin. It turned physical and i hate myself for it. We are better now, and he has forgiven me.

When I do something stupid, I begin to regret everything I have done that I think was a bad thing. Things could be 5yrs old and I will legit think about how dumb I am. It sparks things in me to think that my friends hate me, and my family hates me and that my karma is just negative. I try hard ti shake it but my brain says that's not the case. Its the worst part because I start spiral and spiral. Basically I went on this weight loss adventure and I have already gained a good portion of the weight back and I am trying to get  back on track. Hopefully soon.

I am scared to be bipolar because my brain tells me I am broken. I know that's not the case and its not the way I see others, just myself. I know that some of my family is bipolar and has depression, and I know I do but I am so scared. I feel like I fail at everything that I will also fail at taking care of myself. I am afraid that my mental illness will take me over and I will just be hurting everyone and letting them down. Dark thoughts pass through my head, like if I wasn't here no one would have to worry, and no one would have ti worry about helping me pay for treatments. I know that is not the case, but my brain (as its burning) tells me other wise. I am not in any danger and I will not hurt myself and my husband us by my side while I work through this and while I get myself together and get into the right program.

I will blog more and i know that is ask scrambled but I needed to get it out. Thank you for all your support <3

#family #mentalhealth #hurt #cry #gay #bipolar #speakup #scuicideprevention #love #support #help #follow #thankyou

[exhalenow612]

“Control” - Halsey

Time to put the fingers to the keys and get more emotions out there! 

Recently I did a lot of venting about my siblings and I am sure it looks some type of way to have such strong feelings toward people who did not effect my everyday life. So, I wanted to touch base on someone who did effect my life each day, and who truly has the ability to make me feel such strong emotions. I wish I could say they were good feelings, but they are not.

This person I share DNA with, and is my first cousin. Let’s call her, Leigh. I am only a year older than Leigh, and we used to do everything together. Sit up all night and play video games. Eat food we shouldn’t really late at night, and watch movies. We used to like the same music, we would play barbies and board games together. We even had some of the same friends. It seemed so great that my cousin could LEGIT be my best friend and we could have sleep overs and talk boys and girls. My cousins were the first to know of my attraction to guys.

As we hit our teen years, things changed. Super drastically. Leigh began to I guess go another path. She started having sex (not that I wasn’t) with multiple partners. Drinking became a thing, sneaking out, and hanging with people she knew my Aunt did not want her too. When my Aunt had passed from cancer, its like a switch was flicked. She came to stay with my family and I and continue High School with me. She was SO different. We were normal and smoked cigarettes, cursed, dabbled in pot, and of course dating. We dated amongst our friend group and outside of it. 

Leigh just seemed to keep pushing limits though. More drugs, more men, more lying, more sneaking, and more attitude. She could legit lie to anyone’s face and not feel a thing. Moving from place to place and using that person up till she found a new victim. It wasn’t until i started losing friends I realized I had out grown my cousin and her antics. Female friends wanted nothing to do with me because she would sleep with their boyfriends or send them pictures. Make friends wanted nothing to do with me because after she fucked them over, they didn't to have to hang it with her. Who would?

Well things progressed and got worst, and it was almost never ending and my mom and I allowed this for years. Making up, arguing, fighting, stealing, lying. Things that legit break people down overtime. As of today Leigh and I have done she bad things to try and get even with each other. Though I know why I resent her, I don’t know why she resents me. I mist likely will never know, all I know is I was tired if her smiling in my face and then jabbing me in the back when I turned around. Eventually when I got into my 20s, I hated her. I hated he so much I would feel ill thinking about her.

Lies - till this day set me off. The sneaky and backstabbing actions - set my anger ablaze. The uncaring look/stare - makes me lose control. I don't know how to explain it but these things make me resent her. Leigh has sold everyone out around her, just to do it. There never s any gain from it, she just likes it. Cheating and stealing, its like a drug to her. Which I am sure gives her the same rush as her drug and alcohol use does. I lose control around Leigh. The anger and guilt and resentment consumes and boils my blood. She has twi beautiful babies she uses as pawns to hurt everyone and take them away from us fir leverage. 

I am not sure I will ever forgive her, but I have learned to let go, and let Karma handle it. I recently lost my temper on a friend who didn’t even do something close to what Leigh has done to me for years, and I lost my mind and felt is hurt, and I need to work on this and work on getting away from the defensive mindset. I am a work in progress for sure, and I also hope one day Leigh gets the help she needs for her children.

I chose the song “Control” by Halsey because I can relate to the chorus. It really hits the anger I feel and the control I lose when I get hurt. “And all the kids cried out, Please stop you’re scaring me, I can’t help with awful energy, Goddamn right you should be scared of me, who is in control?”

#family #cousin #lies #hate #love #anger #gay #journey #joinme #comewithme #sibling #secrets #pain #trigger #help #letgo

[exhalenow612]

<3 you are worth seeing <3

#kehlani #queen #love #journey #comewithme #gay #hate #family #beyou #youareworthit

[exhalenow612]

#letgo #family #friends #love #hate #journey #gay #hurt #comewithme #lies #life #pain

[exhalenow612]

“Already Gone” - filous ft. Emily Warren

After dropping everything about my sister yesterday, it made me think a lot and that I should most likely give you some more background and maybe touch base about the older brothers. 

As I said my mother was younger than my father, so before me my father gave me a brother, a sister, and then another brother. I used to be close to my oldest brother and his family which was cool. Spending weekends or summer days with my nieces and nephew. Getting to know them and letting them get to know  me, but that was short lived. I obviously grew into a teen and started chilling with my own friends and dating. My brother went through a nasty divorce dividing his household and then everything kind of just fell off from there. 

I already spoke about my sister, she was not there most of my life and then came into it when my grandmother passed and I was already an adult. She tore me down and then was taken from this world from a terrible disease. She did give me a niece but I can’t say I fully know her, as I dropped the ball in seeing her and helping her through life.

My older brother but the youngest of the three has always been in and out of everyone’s life. Jail, drugs, alcohol, and women. He has been that guy who lived by rock ‘n’ roll. He is also a racist and a homophobe. Lucky me, being a gay man who has a Puerto Rican boyfriend. He too has two children, a son and a daughter who I barely know. I tried to help him, only to be ket down...again.

I know that my brothers have an issue with me being a gay male, I can see it in their eyes and I can see it in their actions. None of them really want to get to know me, and maybe a part of that is my fault, I am not really sure how to feel or act. Maybe because I do not recognize their father as my father. I recognize my stepdad as my father. He may not have given me his DNA, but he did love me and he has helped mold me into the man I am today. 

I did not choose to be born, especially not in the middle of a messy family war that they have all been fighting. I was just a victim of circumstance that got lucky to meet a Dad along the way, one that cared. Each day I grow stronger, and each day I learn a little more to let go of these things, and to be better for my little brother. I refuse to drop out and be absent on him. He doesn’t deserve that, he deserves a better brother then the siblings I was given.

The song I chose, “Already Gone” by filous Ft. Emily Warren. The chorus gets me each time and pulls at my heart when I think about this situation and those words being sang. “I close the blinds, Maybe I should say goodbye, Heart beating, Still breathing, But you’re already gone.”

#family #love #hate #brother #brothers #sister #nieces #nephews #hurt #feelings #loss #father #older #gay #letgo #emiilywarren #homophobe #racist

[exhalenow612]

“The Letter” - Kehlani

It has been a few since I dropped a blog. These days get so busy as an adult and I hope for my own self to get my feelings out on these pages. Recently my mom’s friend passed away. She had dated my older brother and has known my whole family including my mom for many years. She has always such a nice woman, she always took care of me and my family when she could. 

This brought me back to my sister, and when she passed away. My sister said she loved me, but would talk to me like I was an enemy. She would call me names and sometimes would continue to send me message for HOURS on end just berating me and telling me I am not good. All I ever wanted was a relationship with my older siblings. To be loved, accepted, and guided. None of them really had the time or even interest in doing so. It sucked so bad, and what is even worst is I have nieces and nephews I don’t know how to reach out to or if they even would want me too.

My sister passed away over year ago, she as really sick. I cried, and not just because my sister had died - but because in my heart all I could feel was the hate she gave me. My mind spins and spins, eventually landing on one thought. “My sister died hating me”. I didn’t go to her funeral or services, I was too ashamed because I had walked away from the relationship, and because I had not been there for my niece. I also did not go because of the pain in my heart, and thinking of people going up and talking about how great she was and caring but knowing that was not my experience. 

I was born with a younger mother and older father. I was born into a family war that started with my three siblings and ended when my sister passed. The only thing is, the damage is beyond repair and I don’t know how or if I will ever build the relationships I beg for. My sister disliked me because my dad died when I was 7, and was not able to hurt me like her hurt her. I didn't ask for it, it just happened that way. 

As for my brothers that will be for another day even though I know me being gay, stops them from loving me. Again, not something I can control.

For this blog I picked the song “The Letter” by Kehlani. I know it's about her mother but it seemed fitting, especially the chorus. “Maybe I didn’t deserve you, Maybe I couldn’t cure you, They told me that I didn’t hurt you, Why do I feel like I turned you? And Maybe I don’t understand it, Tell me is this how you planned it?, Do you see us so stranded?, Maybe I’m too much manage,, Maybe I didn’t deserve you” Give it a listen. 

#gay #family #friends #journey #love #hurt #comewithme #lies #life #pain #kehlani #sister #iblogged #theletter #hate

[exhalenow612]

I have not posted in a while. I am working with my love to work toward a future where we are happy, healthy, and in careers we will be happy with.

I want to own my home and I want to become a nurse. I want to help people and work with people.

Prayers while I navigate becoming an adult student!

[exhalenow612]

“Over My Head (Cable Car)” - The Fray

One of the sharpest things we have as a human is our words. The ability to crush or lift a human with just using our voice. So small, and something given to us as babies but we still can mis-use use them. I know from past experiences that I will cut into anyone with my words during a state of emotion. Like verbally punching the hit out of someone. As days go on, I am reflecting on myself and past.

I come from a place where words are thrown around in happiness and in anger. Everyone tosses them and then pretends like it never happened. Not realizing that the scars are there, forever. “You little ba*****d”. “You’re a c**t”. “Ungrateful like your fu****g father!” All things said to others or me directly. The cut, the bleeding, the scar.

I have used my words incorrectly to hurt family, friends, and even my fiancé, I take this moment to let everyone know that I am gonna try and fix this in the future and be better about choosing my words. I apologize now to those i have hurt, and hopefully I will be forgiven. Also in this moment I would like to forgive all those that have used their words against me as well. Part of growing is moving on to something brighter.

#gay #pain #hurt #family #friend #sorry #journey #reflect #change #happy #brighter #comewithme

[exhalenow612]

Soon as I wake up, keep an eye out for the snakes...

Nicki Minaj

#gay #journey #reflect #snakes #nickiminaj #nofrauds #frauds #fuck #quote #love #rap #family #friends #hurt #bye

[exhalenow612]

“Hard to Love” -  Lee Brice

Good Morning. So self reflection and life change continues forward for me. I realized though last night, that I cannot just keep going on about all the bad things that happen or happened. I have to reflect on good things too and how they help me move forward and be the best person I can be.

So let’s take the time out to talk about the love of my life. He is the complete opposite of me. Where I am angry, and stubborn. He is calm and collected. We truly balance each other out, and believe me it is something that is needed for all. I cannot always see reason especially in a high state of emotions, where he can actually stop and allow logic to work its way through his brain. 

We have been together almost a decade. It has been filled with ups and downs, and even a small break up but never have we ever lost the love it was built on. There was a time that both our mental health just declined on us, and both of us handled it very different. I ended up running because I am so bad at handling myself in these situations. I still feel so guilty about it, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. When I declined he stood right by my side and tried to push me through everything. 

When we first met we were both out of some crazy things. I had just come out of an intense relationship and was so bruised, and he had just came out of a complicated one where he was bruised as well. We both hugged so much crap around about our pasts and just didn’t know how to navigate through. I think when we both unpacked that luggage and saw the other one not flinch we knew that it would be something that would work for us.

My fiancé is loving, and caring. He brings me right back to earth, and shows me that I am worth something. No matter what I think I look like, he thinks I am still handsome, I want to be that for him but I am not sure how. I truly do want to learn to be better, because he is better. I wanna be loving and warm, and I want to take any of his pain away. I cannot wait for the day we say “I do”, and to truly start building our lives together. 

Thank you for everything you do, and thank you for being you. I love you more than words can ever describe. Forever and a day,

[exhalenow612]

“How to Save a Life” - The Fray

I am sitting down on my lunch break and just having a real hard time concentrating on my work today. Could it be because it is a Friday and I am eager to start my weekend? Or is it because this weekend could make the decision to mend or to close a relationship with a friend? I wish I could tell you.

The one thing that crossed in my mind is two songs that i love and adore so much. “Fast Car” the Boyce Avenue cover, and “How to Save a Life” by the Fray. I love them so much and have actually heard them both just yesterday. “Fast Car” played as a made an appointment for another tattoo, and “How to Save a Life” played in Dunkin as I was sitting and having coffee. 

I would love to explain what both songs mean to me but let’s start with one for now. The Fray is one of those bands that you hear and know its them but cannot remember the last hit they actually had. The singer has a soothing and unique voice and his words are beautiful.

I identified with the song “How to Save Life” when it first came out, and it was all over the place. The words just stuck with me. “Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend.” We know when a relationship comes to an end, its always painful to know what they did but then to sit there and think of what you might have done to make this end. I interpreted the words to my own life and things I have been through. I figured it had to do with a rocky relationship with someone and it just was not going anywhere and they were always going to bump heads and then finally it comes to an end, not just any end though. The painful end where you drift apart. I knew this end all too well, with friends and family. 

Then one day I got bored and I decided to just look up the background of the song and lyrics. Basically the front man of the band did a band camp thing with children who were troubled, and he met a young man there who was doing drugs and acting out. They got to talking why and the kid said that no one actually asked him why or what was wrong but was always just telling him he was wrong and what to do. Told him he needed to change and not to do it, but could never ask “why”.

 Why would you do this? Why would you act this way? and the most important question of all, why are you drifting away? I think if we asked these questions more that maybe things could be different and maybe we would break through walls. Maybe my brothers would love me more, maybe my sister would of stopped hating me, maybe my cousin would still be here with us...

If i had asked why instead of just jumping into things, maybe I could of had a better outcome. I wish I could stay up all night with the people I have lost or drifted from and truly ask them. What could I have done better? What could I do for you? 

I am guilty of this all, I lost my cousins who were best friends to me. I had to let go and drift away but I still don’t know why they did what they did or what I could have done better myself. I see myself making these mistakes with my 16 year old brother. Just jumping to conclusions and yelling. I lose my temper with him so quick! I In the future I want to be more compassionate and understanding, and realize that neither of us have life easy. We both lost our dad, and we both grew up dealing with that up and down person.

I am not sure if my heart can take losing another life, either spiritually or physically. There are people I miss just because we drifted apart, there is people I miss because I needed to get away and be better, and then there is the pain of losing people who didn't have choice. 

“Let him know that you know best, Cause after all you do know best, Try to slip past his defense, Without granting innocence”

#thefray #howtosavealife #heart #heartbreak #drift #gay #family #friends #loss #love #comewithme #comeback #lostafriend #bitterness #drugs #brother #younger #cousin #hate #myjourney #journey #relefection #change #grow #why #ask