think-thonkin

[think-thonkin]

As funny as the shipname linda would be for zelink...

I dare y'all to look up "linda" and get the actual results you'd want instead of just random people or celebs with the first name Linda :'D

Like, as funny a shipname as that would be, we have to acknowledge that, in practice, it's not good for tag searching 😔

#zelink #Oh ew tumblr just tossed the ship tag in here automatically that's creepy

[think-thonkin]

The average "non-canon het ship" experience

"Oh my goawd how can you ship that, they're canon with someone else already ugh" I don't care about canonicity and will proceed to ship them even harder going forward. Blocked.

"Give up already!!! Stop shipping that, it's not canon!!! You lost!!!" the only thing I lost is respect for your clown ass. Blocked.

"They're basically gay besties/like siblings how can you ship that ew (in response to my ship art)" you're conflating found family and childhood friends with step sibling relationships and try to force your headcanons onto me under my own post. Blocked.

"I don't ship them/I only like them platonic in canon but-" just enjoy the post man, you don't have to ship something to appreciate the art and think it's cute. Not blocked but on thin ice. Like are you okay? Is someone holding a gun to your head to make sure you make it undeniably clear that you're not to be conflated with the nasty evil shippers? Do you need to touch grass or someone to pull you out of a bad friend circle? A cup of tea and a good talk? Must be exhausting to live in constant anxiety of being misunderstood like that.

"they're such BESTIES/BROS/SIBLINGS and I LOVE THEM <3 (under my very shippy post tagged accordingly with the ship name etc)" why are you forcibly bro-zoning my blorbos under my own post? Passive aggressive trying to force your opinions onto others much? Blocked.

"xyz (gay) ship is better" pointless clowning. Blocked.

#fandom #shipping culture #shipping #fandom discourse

[think-thonkin]

Why do people who vape treat me asking them to not do it where I have to work bc I don't want to be forced to inhale it like it's completely unreasonable. Sorry but just bc it doesn't reek as bad as cigarettes doesn't mean it's healthy to inhale and I'd preferably not have sticky, powdery smelling air in my lungs just bc you're too lazy to open a window or not do it inside in the first place.

What you decide to put into your lungs is none of my business but I'd really prefer to have a choice in what I put in mine as well.

#I fucking hate society for normalizing nicotine consumption #And I hate society for introducing vapes and setting back any progress anyone has made in that regard by like 10 years #It smells gross it's horribly addicting and quite literally burns a hole into your wallet #No 10k horses can get me to willingly inhale that shit #Just bc vapes don't smell unpleasant btw doesn't mean I tolerate the way they clog the air I inhale it does feel different #And by that I mean bad different #No thank you please stay away from me #Also no offense but if I find out you smoke or vape I absolutely will think less of you #The only type of inhaleable thing I tolerate morally (though less in terms of smell) is weed bc it does have pharmaceutical perks #And who am I to deny people with chronic pain some relief #Just. Yknow. Maybe not right next to me in a closed room

[think-thonkin]

“maybe the curtains are blue because the author just liked the color blue” set human critical thinking skills decades back

#hot take: neither stance can be seen as the objectively correct one and shitting on people consuming and creating excluisvely for fun #just bc they enjoy something on a more superficial level than you is bullshit #people interpret art and writing differently that's just a fact of life #if the creator is doing their job well then there are definitely going to be patterns and intentional symbolism for you to pick apart #still even if you make it awfully obvious there's ALWAYS going to be outliers who didn't catch it or refuse to see it that way #but if they're more on the vague side and the deeper meaning flies past a consumer who still ejoys the piece of media in their own way #you're the rude ass for being an insulting snob about it. #you cannot enforce a higher literary skill level on others that simply do not have it #obviously there's a very harmful way of deliberately dismissing the source material and refusing to engage with it in a meaningful way #and toxic purity culture that bashes things for surface level nonsense that just requires you to look at a sliver of the nuanced context #to see that the argument they're bringing forth is silly and actually inapplicable #those are both things that I too frequently get frustrated with #but never in a thousand years would I stick those into the same group as people who simply don't enjoy literary analysis #and are fine just reading or watching/looking at something on a surface level basis being entirely harmless with it #sure they're missing some of the best parts but I don't see how their loss is any of my fucking business

[think-thonkin]

My good deed of the day is not telling someone who got super offended about a majority of people in the same groupchat having a conversation about not liking the official content of something he happens to like, that maybe he just has to accept that he likes ugly art and bad writing and should learn how to not act like a baby when other people actually have taste

[think-thonkin]

Stop Making Psychosis A Villainous Trait Challenge

#this #tl;dr for the rant below: blame the root cause not the symptoms and be aware of what using these traits for villains means 4 real lifepeople #listen I love villain characters #but there's a good way and a bad way to write them #and going 'they commit crimes bc they're mentally ill with [insert clichéd and demonized diagnosis]' is not fucking it chief #and yes also stop making every villain you draw scarred up to make them 'look more evil' #basically just stop assigning villains these traits as an aesthetic and really think about what that implies for real people out there #especially when your decisions to add these factors into your villain character's design/writing results in demonizing said factors #look at real life criminals and their backgrounds #a lot of them come from poverty and saw no other way than crime - in this case blame the system not the people #others come from a background of intense abuse - it's a vicious cycle that not everyone is strong enough ot break out of #and those that do come from a history of hereditary mental disorders... blame the system for not providing them the help they needed #does this mean that anyone from either or all of these types of upbringings are doomed to a life of crime? fuck no #So many more people come out of those situations and grow and heal for the better than succumb to them #BLAME THE ROOT CAUSE NOT THE SYMPTOMS #and more often than not the root cause is systemic in nature #it pretty much always is #people are not born evil. #also regular ass people who have had the most perfect lives imaginable have scars #a lot of them come from simple accidents that literally could happen to anyone #sometimes they come from other more unique situations like an autoimmune disease that causes a massive amount of cells to die off #scars are excellent proof of life and experience and survival #so why the fuck do they get treated like a symptom of evil #it's genuinely beyond me how hard some people can misunderstand this stuff

[think-thonkin]

So I need to dump some thoughts on the upcoming MH live action movie

I've ranted about this in the tags of someone reposting the teaser/trailer onto here earlier this week but there's generally so many odd, if not outright negative creative decisions this movie has been making, it's kind of baffling.

Lagoona, Cleo and Deuce honestly being the most egregious imho.

First of all- the color blue is literally part of Lagoona's name, I genuinely do not understand why the creative decision to keep her skin tone that of a regular human was made when so many of the other characters can sport non-human skintones just fine-

My best guess is that she will be shown in water most of the time and having to do makeup to that extend and make it waterproof is quite a feat they may not have been willing to commit to, but it still sucks to see that they apparently couldn't find a better solution than this. At least they kept to her athletic clothing style and some of the fins I guess (give her webbed hands you cowards).

Now to the more egregious ones...

Cleo's main character flaw is supposed to be that she's outwardly arrogant and vain because she has not only one hell of a family reputation to uphold being royalty and all, but is literally a walking, rotten corpse, with the bandages all over her tied into her outfit to cover up the parts of her that aren't "perfect" - she is overcompensating outwardly and immaturely like the self conscious teenager she is, opting for taught, toxic behavior that is part of her natural character arc to overcome! Deep down she is supposed to be a kind and caring friend whose superficial behavior speaks more of nurture than nature and repeatedly does tend to hurt her friendships until she learns to express her care and genuine love for the people she's close to in healthier ways.

To see the live action movie with next to no bandages on her whatsoever feels like such a massive cheapening of her character - they stand for so much more than a decorative choice! Unless they humble her to a sympathizable level in some other way (because she is supposed to be part of the main friend-group's cast, not the actual school bully bitch like I'm afraid they'll make her out to be in this movie) this seems like a terrible decision to me, especially since, like this, she's not even recognizable as a mummy anymore.

Not to mention the implications of this movie potentially shuffling romantic dynamics around, so if Deuce's kind nature and loyalty to her isn't there to keep her grounded, challenge her taught, arrogant attitude and bring out her genuine, caring and kind side more, then how the hell are they gonna make her sympathetic to the viewer at all?

Speaking of Deuce-

I really disapprove of the decision to make him just some flavorless brand of bad boy aesthetic with green hair instead of a supernatural punk that sports preferably sleeveless clothes (shows of muscles! Hell yeah! He's a very sporty and athletically committed guy!) who, despite some tense family issues, maintains a friendly, warm personality that purposefully contrasts his more intimidating appearance.

The snake-hawk he sports in non-live action media is his most recognizable feature besides the eyes that are usually hidden behind sunglasses for the sake of protecting others from (temporarily) turning into stone and seeing that both the sunglasses were replaced with (seemingly) regular glasses and the snake hair omitted entirely, this movie imo failed at making him recognizable beyond the color scheme.

It just feels way too tame- they didn't even have to do it in CG, they literally could they not have just. Made some sfx prosthetics or sth? I'd have preferred some silly, bouncy, low-effort silicone snakes for hair over just. Dying this basic, designated "hot" boy haircut that's mostly hidden under a beanie anyways in green.

Obviously I cannot expect a nickelodeon musical production of a franchise that is in it's early reboot stages and thus likely does not have the biggest budget to fully cushion out huge projects like this, but this still makes it feel like this adaptation was made based on surface level research of the characters instead of putting actual thought into them.

I do admit that having Frankie be nonbinary makes absolute perfect sense for their character, since they are literally made up of multiple people's body parts that were painstakingly stitched together and artificially given life, but considering the thoughtlessness of some of the other creative choices (also why are there no bolts on Frankie's neck? They have to recharge regularly, don't they?) this is something that honestly kind of confuses me.

This is clearly a creative choice with thought behind it, but this also makes the quality of other creative choices for the other characters super inconsistent? I'm just. You'll make a character nonbinary to fit their essential identity and the setting's themes of a school full of weirdos (affectionate) with vastly different kinds of individuals better but won't give Cleo a defining character trait that is directly connected to who she is both as a monster type as well as a person and plays a big part in how she acts? WHAT

(though it is obviously still super appreciated to see one of the main protagonists be openly and very directly stated to use they/them pronouns, that's a bold move to push for and have executed, especially for a nickelodeon production of all things)

Monster High has a history of tying parts of its characters' personalities into the character's design elements, and seeing some of the more crucial details erased like this is a really bad sign for me.

Between some great ideas there's just too much wasted potential visible in that trailer and those teaser images... it's really unfortunate.

Despite definitely being a cash cow franchise made to sell dolls, there was a lot of genuine heart and effort put into these characters and into making them unique - because was that not the whole point behind Monster High in the first place? A cast full of colorful, unique individuals, all so fundamentally different in what type of monster they are, what their upbringing means to them, what their goals in their timeframe of existence are - and yet they find common ground, friendship, love... acceptance.

There's also the obvious cheesy teen drama charme, but a lot of the past stories involving these characters still managed to also have so much genuine heart and thoughtful, sweet messages about individualism and identity and the importance of trust and loyal friendships in this social setting where being different on a superficial level is not considered bad thing by default. That's the kind of thing people want to connect to, this desire to belong and be accepted regardless of what you look like and identify as, because it's your personality and actions that count.

I never expected nor asked for this movie to be 1:1 accurate to the dolls in any capacity, but it does bum me out that the costume designs make me feel like the people behind it don't actually understand the characters they were creating these outfits and makeup concepts for.

#monster high #monster high the movie #monster high live action #rant

[think-thonkin]

I agree, but I'm afraid you misunderstood the point of my post.

I am well aware of the adjective and its use, and didn't intend for it to come across that I'd like to call out for a ban on those words from anyone's vocabulary or something, I wanted to underline the fact that many people these days love to mistakenly call someone who's got maybe some narcissistic traits "a narcissist" by default when really all they mean is that the person in question is simply self absorbed on one or two occasions and in turn tend to use it in gross exaggeration more than in an actually applicable context. I've seen people legit use it as a means of insulting and dismissing someone they don't like just to be petty.

It's a heavy word to throw around willy nilly, and while I admit that my word choice at the end of my original post was a bit poor and could've used more elaboration, I did mean to imply with "at least do some research" that it's fine to use these words, just that you should maybe preferably do it aware of what they actually mean and in turn use them correctly.

I was criticizing the blatant misuse of the terms in incorrect contexts more than their existence in the casual vocabulary overall - so, in essence, we both agree on that :'D.

Maybe a lukewarm take but can we normalize using descriptives like "self-centered" and "arrogant" or even "entitled" instead of throwing around the word "narcissist" haphazardly when we're talking about people that may fit some of the symptoms of NPD but aren't diagnosed in any such way? Like how about we just don't do that and leave the assignment of personality disorder labels to actual professionals.

Idk maybe stop using the word gaslighting if you mean defensive too, or stop calling something a hyperfixation when you're neurotypical and actually just mean a passionate interest that you have full control expressing over.

Like maybe just overall don't use psychology and mental health terms you pick up on tiktok and twitter without actually knowing what they mean or in which contexts they do and don't apply, at least do some research.

#sorry about the poor word choice #I ngl didn't even expect this post to get much attention to begin with sdkjhsdkfjh #I'll try to pay more attention to that in the future

[think-thonkin]

Maybe a lukewarm take but can we normalize using descriptives like "self-centered" and "arrogant" or even "entitled" instead of throwing around the word "narcissist" haphazardly when we're talking about people that may fit some of the symptoms of NPD but aren't diagnosed in any such way? Like how about we just don't do that and leave the assignment of personality disorder labels to actual professionals.

Idk maybe stop using the word gaslighting if you mean defensive too, or stop calling something a hyperfixation when you're neurotypical and actually just mean a passionate interest that you have full control expressing over.

Like maybe just overall don't use psychology and mental health terms you pick up on tiktok and twitter without actually knowing what they mean or in which contexts they do and don't apply, at least do some research.

#mental health #NPD #ADD #ADHD #ASD #psychology #Lowkey vent

[think-thonkin]

Look, I don't get political on here, and I hate drama, but this is a huge, impossible to miss thing and I want to share that I'm happy Johnny Depp won today.

This is a huge step forwards for actual victims of SA and DV, especially the male ones, and every person whose petty, manipulative and/or toxic ex has ruined their lives after a breakup in the form of spreading lies.

It's wild to me to see people default to "believe all women" when really, it should be "listen to all victims", so they may get a fair and just trial with every angle and piece of evidence properly considered, instead of being dismissed and their cases not taken seriously.

Regardless of gender.

I don't know how that's such a difficult concept for some people to grasp and it's beyond me that this still needs to be reiterated in 2022.

This is an incredibly damaging case for female victims of SA and DV, but not because a male perpetrator succeeded in harming a woman and being backed by law for it, but because an aggressive then-wife with attachment issues decided to take revenge on the man she couldn't bear to see leave when he so much as mouthed the word divorce, and besmirch everything the metoo movement stands for in a selfish act of petty vengeance to aid her as both a sword and shield to hide behind. I can already see actual future victims getting accused of "amber hearding" thanks to this case.

Blindly believing or refusing to believe people based on gender biases is everything that self-proclaimed rad-fems should be fighting against, not perpetuate. You people genuinely sicken me, because you're not a single ounce better than every sexist prick who asks SA victims how they were dressed that day.

While I do not condone the genuine harassment and threats Amber Heard has received, I do feel like she had every legal and publicity damage that came her way coming. I doubt she'll have learned her lesson, but I don't think she will recover from this anytime soon.

Ultimately, I hope she gets proper help in the form of therapy, preferably by a professional who doesn't take her words at face value and isn't afraid to be honest and upfront with her.

#jd vs ah #johnny depp vs amber heard #thoughts #ridiculous radfems block me please challenge

[think-thonkin]

It's the little things sometimes

One time my (now ex) girlfriend and I hung out with a mutual friend of ours to watch a movie at an out-of-town cinema, and because we were half an hour too early, ended up stopping by a Subway for some lunch.

We ended up talking about different toppings and food preferences, and while my stance on it would usually be "well I personally would pick that out of my meal if I found it inside but you do you" my girlfriend got all "this shit won't even enter my house!" about something I happened to enjoy, and because that kind of frigid mindset bothered me (in my mind this would be a problem later down the line when we live together, if left unresolved), I pointed it out accordingly.

She got defensive, it escalated in a spat, and instead of making an actual, objective argument, chose to attack me personally instead.

"Well at least I don't get overwhelmed from something as stupid as a video game."

This is in reference to me often getting big adhd related sensory overload issues when playing overwatch with friends (which I, mind you, only did bc I feared not doing so would distance me too far away from them). Something she had repeatedly voiced her annoyance with and something I often got frustrated and felt ashamed about.

She did achieve what she wanted though, the conversation ended there. I froze with shame and hurt, in disbelief that she'd say something that personally cruel in a situation that mundane. Had I not been the person to drive the other two there and thus responsible for getting them home too, I would've just up and left without a word.

She never apologized, I never brought it back up. Told myself she didn't mean it. Putting on rose-tinted glasses that, over time, would become as transparent as milk.

But nearly 4 years later, that still really does hurt to think back to.

Mainly because for years I did not understand that this was the first red flag in what would be a series of many, and makes me wish the me from back then had understood it as such and ended things much sooner, be less naive about it, more resilient, less of a pushover.

When really, she just should have not used something so ableist and personal like that against me in the first place, especially not so flippantly, over a spat about something as mundane as food preferences.

It horrifies me to think about how much worse things could've gotten had our relationship not ended when it did, had there not been the people that shook me out of my people-pleaser delusion of strong-arming my way through the relationship rather than leave it, because for some reason the prospect of breaking her heart felt a lot worse than continuously chipping away at mine.

But sometimes, in the moment, small things like this just... slip by you, until the rose-tinted glasses shatter at last and leave you with an unobstructed view of the big picture, of how much damage all those things you told yourself for ages aren't that bad have truly left on you.

#relationships #communication #red flags #toxic relationships #introspective #ableism

[think-thonkin]

Sometimes depression is being sad over the person you feel you can't be.

Sometimes depression is being too tired to do anything and beating yourself up about it.

Sometimes depression is listening to a song that hits just a little bit too close to home and having an hour-long sobbing fit over it.

Sometimes depression is just not having fun doing the things you love anymore and getting frustrated when you try to.

Sometimes depression is all of these at once, and together they weigh more than you have the energy to move out of your bed on a bad day.

It's the numbness of your brain refusing to respond to positive things, the frustration of feeling stuck where you are and the despair that comes with feeling like you don't have nearly the amount of energy required to do something about it.

Sometimes it feels inescapable and awfully overpowering, and oftentimes it's not something you can resolve on your own.

And you know what?

It's okay to admit to need help for something like this.

It's okay to ask for it.

It's okay to wish that things were different, that they were better. You're just human after all, everyone has their limits.

Nobody should have to live like that permanently, and just because you do, doesn't mean you don't deserve better.

You absolutely do.

Keep looking for the brighter days and keep fighting to see the next.

I'm proud of you for making it this far.

Stay safe, tell the people who are important to you that you love them and most importantly: be kind to yourself as well.

#depression #mental health #positivity

[think-thonkin]

modern fandom culture sometimes really just makes me want to throttle some specific people, just a smidge

this recent generation of fans seems to have un-learned a perfectly functional kind of internet etiquette, spending their time invading spaces that were never meant for them, and then go on to harass folks who were just minding their own business for not complying to unrealistic moral expectations.

what happened to "don't like don't read"

what happened to being fine with just having preferences and curating your own online experience, to just blocking tags and people whose content you don't wish to see?

these people who add "DNI if" lists to their blogs and yet come into other people's spaces that were not meant for them and make it their business to criticize those folks for woke points - do you not see the hypocrisy? Do you not see how absolutely and utterly insignificant all this nonsensical infighting is? Who are you helping with this?

Nobody but yourself, really. You just want to feel morally superior over others.

Go outside, pet a cow, or pig, or whatever other kind of domesticated animals live near you, go touch some grass.

Stop yelling at strangers online for having preferences regarding fiction that you just happen to disagree with on matters of personal taste.

Remove yourself from the situation, block people and content that make you uncomfortable, quit wasting everyone's time and energy (including your own) on all this vain beef picking.

Go and enjoy your thing in peace and leave me to mine.

#fandom #shipping #negative #criticism #fandom culture #I'm tired of the elitism #fuck purity culture

[think-thonkin]

sometimes I remember The Orange poem by Wendy Cope and google it to read it again

and every single time, without fail, I cry by the end of it.

the last line hits especially hard:

"I love you. I'm glad I exist."

I remember when I read it the first time, that last line hit me so hard I was bawling my eyes out for a solid hour.

It's just such a raw appreciation of life, such a solid and simple way to express it, a simple want to share it with the world.

I often am not that person, not in the slightest. I get hung up on negatives, I spiral from overthinking things and sometimes fall victim to my internalized self hatred sneaking in after small missteps and ruining my day.

But on some few days, I can appreciate the warmth of the sun on my face pouring in through the window as I water my plants, or the way my dog does something silly and wags his stumpy little tail when I laugh. The way my elderly neighbor spots me and shares a friendly wave and a kind smile, or the man that always walks his dog and whistles a merry tune as he does passes by.

On some few days, I clean and sing to myself and have a steaming cup of my favorite tea after it and for a moment, life isn't so scary anymore.

This poem hits me hard because it reminds me of those good days. They will come back, they always do.

They've come more often ever since I started to actively look for the small, enjoyable things in life. As a matter of fact, I'm sipping on some cold orange juice right now. It's delicious.

#ramble #mental health #positive mental attitude

[think-thonkin]

7 hours of conference call classes.

My adhd is acting up like crazy.

I constantly zone out, can’t follow what’s going on and get too overwhelmed to speak when asked a question and stammer painedly in front of 10 other people and it’s frustrating me to the point where I’ve just given up.

I do so much better when we’re just given a bunch of exercises to do throughout the day - all this continuous noise on the ears and no visual references around me to guide me when I get lost one second too many and the humiliating silence when I’m asked a question out of the blue bc I’ve already been quiet for too long... every online class I’ve had recently has just ended with me crying from frustration with myself, I’m just so done with it all.

#venting #apparently that's a thing I'm doing on here now #adhd

[think-thonkin]

The whole zvkka stans calling zutarians and people with non-gay sexuality headcanons for either character homophobic reminds me rather disturbingly strongly of when the portal fandom tore itself apart over accusing chelley of being lesbian erasure... I'd genuinely rather not see that kind of shit happening again. It resulted in a multitude of discord fanservers to get deleted due to continued bullying and pointless drama as well as tons of fans quitting the fandom here on tumblr too. It's what nearly made me quit tumblr for good 5 years ago, I was part of the group of people who were harassed.

Guys it is seriously not that hard to stick to basic human decency and in extension, basic internet fandom etiquette.

Tag your posts properly and don't stir drama.

I originally had nothing against zvkka as a ship other than the fact that I simply disagree and only see them platonically, but I could absolutely respect if people like it because their preferences are none of my business and usually don't harm anyone - plus I saw the potential as a not too serious and lighthearted comfort ship for sure.

But now I'm immensely uncomfortable with it for the sole reason of some of the stans being rude, crass and outright threatening towards anyone that isn't a supporter of the ship.

I've seen people get called homophobic, racist and get bashed for simply disagreeing with a ship preference, using arguments that support biased and contradictory interpretations at best.

This has to stop.

Fanon is not gay or mlm rep and headcanons are just that. Headcanons. Unless something is openly confirmed it will remain as such, but knowing how canon went (comics and LOK) we know that such was not really the case.

Using your headcanon being disagreed with unironically as an argument to put someone else down is clownage of the highest caliber and all you're accomplishing with it is making an ass of yourself.

Everyone should be allowed to make up whatever headcanons they like, they're merely ideas to build upon the material that's already there or to replace what parts you don't like about it and overall enhance your personal fandom experience.

However, it is just that. Ideas and concepts, not rule.

Shipping mlm ships and bashing those who don't is not activism.

People disagreeing with your headcanons is not phobia.

Telling people they're terrible people or homophobic for headcanoning a character - who in canon has only been seen dating the opposite gender - as anything other than gay is performative activism at best and harassment at worst.

I'm by the way perfectly aware that it's likely only a small portion of the fandom that behaves this way, but the fact that it is still happening regardless and that the rest of their fandom seems to just let them have their way uncontrolled is starting to get on my nerves and makes me dread posting anything Sokka related on my artblog out of fear that I'll find hateful anons in my askbox once one of the bad zvkka stans comes across it and figures out I post zutara content too.

It shouldn't need to be said that in the end this is just fiction we're talking about. It really should not be nearly important enough to get so damn aggressive about it and harm others.

Get your priorities sorted and rethink your approach please.

Nobody needs people like that, they form a graceless stain on the reputation of talented fandoms and suck any joy out of them.

#anti zukka #rant #anti zukka fandom

[think-thonkin]

I'm just so fucking tired of being alone.

But where would one go to meet and make new friends when at every regularly visited place (school, work) where such is possible has already long established that I'm either not welcome there or not cared about and tolerated as part of the background cast.

I have tried so many times, again and again to form friendships only to be tossed aside, casted out or not get further than a casual acquaintance with anyone.

I can't even tell the difference between being simply tolerated and being cared about anymore.

There is always something. I'm too loud, I'm too impulsive and they're embarassed of or exhausted from interacting with me or we simply don't have anything in common.

For years I've buried myself in online culture to cope with my own ineptitude of handling social interactions and out of fear of being hurt again - I now know hardly anything else.

People my age in my area don't do indie games and reddit/tumblr memes. They don't do fandoms unless it's anime or the big basic ones like Harry Potter or Game Of Thrones. Even less people do art.

I don't know where to go to meet new people, what to do to engage any interactions and my fear of making people dislike me or think less of me and judge me before they get to know me properly makes me too scared to try. I'm stuck in my own skin and confined to a small world that contains just my mother, her house, my siblings and a handful of people on the internet, most of which don't even speak my language.

Without my immediate family I'd have nobody irl. No pals I could call to help me move, no buddies to casually come over and go to a Café or cinema with. I've been living in quarantine mode for the past 3 years of my life and everytime I do get to hang out with my one elusive, netherlands-living friend coming home to Germany for a week or two every 3 months, it's awkward as fuck because I unlearned how to interact with people one on one.

I was never someone that had more than one or two friends at a time, but I'm losing touch more and more and getting too dependant on my online bonds that I'm just getting myself stuck deeper and deeper into this online world of mine.

I'm so tired of being alone.

I'm tired of being just some random classmate.

I'm tired of being the weird one that nobody really knows what to do with.

I'm tired of always feeling like I'm not worthy enough of love, of care.

I'm tired of being me.

#vent