#which are like totally understandable responses. but in the moment where i wanna SI or recently did. it just makes me feel worse

[7suns]

my boyfriend is so amazing ;---;

#self harm tw #for the tags #anyway: #i relapsed a couple days ago and told my bf the day after it happened. he was like really upset about it and like trying to get me to stop #which are like totally understandable responses. but in the moment where i wanna SI or recently did. it just makes me feel worse #well today we talked about it a bit more (in person. i'm visiting my hometown for a few weeks) and he actually listened really #well to what i had to say about what actually helps me. and i sent him some links to a website for SI support and resources #and he took a lot of time to read it all and take it in. and he apologized for what he said #so i feel a lot better now. he's really great #he just didn't understand it at all because he's never like personally encountered it before and didn't know how to react or support me #aspen.txt

[storiesforallfandoms]

he’ll never see this ~ noen eubanks

word count: 1994

request?: yes!

“Hi can you do one imagine of Noen Eubanks, like, the reader is a tik toker or influencer something like that and they have a crush on each other,and they Fans are Shipping them.

Thanksss💖🖤💖🖤💖”

description: in which she admits her feelings for a fellow creator during a stream thinking he’ll never see it

pairing: noen eubanks x female!reader

warnings: swearing

masterlist (one, two)

The sound of a new donation message coming in pulled you away from your game for a split second. The automated voice read the message out to you: “are there any influencers that you are totally crushing on right now?”

You chuckle to yourself as you turn back to your game. “You guys really wanna start something, huh? You realize this will be trending within an hour if I say anything.”

You glanced over at your chat to see they were begging you to tell them who your influencer crush was. You had mentioned a few times that there was a fellow influencer that you had a crush on, but you refused to admit who it was (for obvious reasons). Your viewers, however, were determined to find out who this mystery man you liked was.

“We promise we’ll keep it a secret,” you read, managing to catch one message before it disappeared into the void of never ending messages. “I don’t believe you guys at all.”

You laughed as you watched the chat blow up again. You finally paused your game and made your face cam bigger for the audience. “Okay, you know what? Fuck it, there’s no way he’ll ever see this and I’m not big enough of a content creator to have articles written about me. My influencer crush is Noen Eubanks. If you don’t know who he is, look him up on TikTok and you’ll totally understand why I have such a crush on him.”

Your chat went absolutely wild at this. You went back to playing your game, smiling to yourself as you did so. It felt nice to get that off of your chest, and you knew you were about to get a kick out of your fan’s reactions to this.

Like you said, you had no fear of Noen actually finding out what you said. You had a bit of a following, but it was nothing too big. Just enough that you could be classified as “Internet famous”, but not enough that admitting you had a crush on someone else who had a much bigger following than you would be a big deal.

Or so you thought.

After your stream, you decided to go right to bed. You were feeling tired and had to get up early to edit the video you were planning on uploading. You weren’t awake to witness the internet absolutely explode over your comment, but lucky for you it was still happening when you woke up the next morning.

When you checked your phone for the first time that day, you noticed that your notifications had blown up over night. You figured it was just your fans teasing you over your crush on Noen, which it partly was, but you noticed that it was also YouTube news Twitter accounts and internet tabloid accounts tagging you in their articles about your crush on Noen.

“Oh no,” you said, your eyes widening as you read through article after article, tweet after tweet.

Before you knew it, you had spent nearly two hours sat on the floor, reading through everything that mentioned both you and Noen. All the articles were the same: an brief introduction to you and your small Twitch/YouTube following, talking about you admitting to having a crush on Noen the night before, and asking whether the reading audience believed that you and Noen would make a good couple or not.

The reactions from fans were as entertaining as you figured - with many of your fans trying to come up with ship names for you and Noen and tagging him in clips from your stream - but then there were the less than entertaining reactions. Many people, whether they were Noen’s fans or just people who wanted to hate on you you weren’t sure, were saying you had mentioned Noen’s name just for clout, or that your “crush” was nothing more than an infatuation over his looks.

It wasn’t until your phone rang that you were finally pulled out of your trance and back to the real world. Your friend’s name lit up on your screen, and it took you a moment to collect yourself before you answered.

“(Y/N), have you been online yet today?” she asked.

You sighed and nodded, then remembered she couldn’t actually see you. “Yeah, I’ve been scrolling for the past two hours on Twitter.”

“You haven’t checked your Twitch page, or YouTube account yet?”

Your eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. “No? Should I?”

“You definitely should.”

You put her on speaker and switched to your Twitch app. You were shocked to see that you had skyrocketed in subs overnight, same with your YouTube page. You had gained a solid ten thousand subscribers on both platforms, and it was still rising by the second.

“So this situation has gained me more subscribers, who cares? That’s not why I talked about Noen on stream,” you said.

“Oh no, honey. It isn’t just the situation that has given you new subscribers. Go check Noen’s Twitter.”

You knew what she was implying, but you had to see it for your own eyes. You immediately opened the Twitter app again and typed in Noen’s name. You were brought to his Twitter page, where his most recent tweet was a link to the clip from your stream along with a caption that read, “When your internet crush calls you *their* internet crush”.

You covered your mouth in shock. You were sure you were about to start screaming, but you were so speechless that you couldn’t force any sounds from your mouth.

“I’m assuming by the silence that you’ve seen it,” your friend said after a prolonged moment of silence.

“D-Did he just c-call me his...?” you trailed off, unable to finish your sentence.

“He did,” your friend confirmed. “And both of your fans are going wild. They’ve already come up with a ship name for you, which isn’t the most clever name but I admire their spirit.”

You could barley hear what your friend was saying. You were still staring at the tweet in disbelief. Your mind could barley comprehend anything else besides the fact that your online crush thought the same as you. You were trying to tell yourself not to get too worked up, as it was most likely that nothing was going to come from this besides some gossip for a week or more, but your heart was still racing with excitement.

You gasped as a notification popped up on the top of your screen: “@/eubanks_noen is requesting to message you”.

“He’s trying to DM me,” you whisper, so silently that you could barley hear yourself.”

“What?”

“He’s trying to DM me! On Twitter!”

“What are you doing talking to me?! Go answer his DM!”

You were too focused to laugh as you hung up the phone and went into your DMs. The familiar profile picture that you saw almost every day on your timeline was the first thing you saw in your message requests. Your whole body was shaking so much that you could barley see the screen as you pressed to open it.

“hi :)”

It was a very simple message, but it was enough to make your heart race even more.

You were debating on messaging back, wondering if maybe this was a fake account or something. But you knew there was only one way to find out for sure, so you took a deep breath and responded.

“hi! :)”

His response came near seconds later: “so...we’re the internet’s hottest power couple, huh?”

You chuckled to yourself. “i guess we are. sorry if i ruined your mentions last night. i didn’t think it would blow up the way it has. i’m not all that famous online.”

“are you kidding me? you’re like one of the best twitch streamers. i’ve watched every single one of your streams, including last night’s”

You felt your face heating up, but a slight groan of embarrassment came from your lips. You were thinking of all the embarrassing things you had said and done on stream, and now wished you could just melt into the floor or erase the entire internet.

“oh that’s embarrassing. i’d say i’m not that awkward and dumb in real life, but i’m actually more so”

“i wouldn’t say you’re awkward or dumb at all. i think you’re adorable”

“Oh my God!” you exclaimed to no one in particular. If your face got any hotter, it would be on fire.

“you really know how to talk to a girl”

“i really don’t, but i’m glad you’re enjoying my attempts to flirt”

“so you’re flirting? never would’ve known”

“i know, it’s hard to tell. i’m trying to be subtle”

You continued to message Noen for a while. It felt so natural, as if you weren’t talking to someone you had been crushing on for about a year now. You were extremely glad you weren’t coming off as awkward as you normally felt.

Finally, after having been sat on the floor for a good three hours, your back began to ache and your stomach was growling so loudly in attempts to get your attention. You realized then that you had put getting breakfast on hold in order to fall deep into the hole of internet gossip that had surrounded you overnight.

“love talking to you and all, but i’m gonna have to go for a little bit. i’ve been sat on the floor basically since i woke up and i haven’t eaten yet today so my stomach is very upset with me”

“why are you on the floor? 😂”

“when i’m stressed i tend to sit down no matter where i am, and i was very stressed to see my name plastered all over social media this morning”

“why were you stressed over that?”

“it’s not something i’m exactly used to. like i said, i’m not overly famous online. i just have a small following. i’m not someone who has an article written about every little thing she says. also like i said, i didn’t expect you to see me admit that i have a crush on you last night, so i was so worried about what your reaction was going to be”

“i guess i can understand that. i haven’t had a lot written about me. i’m not a big tiktoker like some of my friends are, but i guess that’s a blessing”

You started to type another message, but paused when you saw the three dots from Noen indicating that he was typing something else.

“for what it’s worth, i’ve had a internet crush on you since you first started streaming”

Your jaw dropped at this. You had started streaming months before you even knew about Noen, which meant he had known about you before you knew about him. Just when you thought this day couldn’t get any better.

“wow! that’s quite a while. you must be one of my first subscribers then”

“i’m up there i think. i’ll wear that badge with pride”

The three dots again. You waited anxiously to see what he was about to say.

“i liked getting to talk to you today, though. maybe we could talk offline sometime, like through text or phone call. maybe meet in person eventually”

Your smile was so wide that it hurt your cheeks. “yeah, i’d really like that”

You exchanged phone numbers and added his to your contacts. You finally pulled yourself off the floor and started making a super late breakfast while also starting to edit your next video since you had also gotten such a late start on that.

You were putting your food on a plate when your phone chimed, indicating a new text message.

“btw, it’s nice to finally get to meet you internet crush :)”

“it’s nice to get to meet you, too, internet crush”

You sat at the table, your heart feeling warm. And to think, it all came true thanks to one nosy donation.

Not sure how much I like this imagine, but I hope you enjoyed anyways!

#noen eubanks #noen eubanks imagine #noen eubanks x reader #imagine #one shot #request #tiktok #fanfiction #fanfic #fandom

[handonhaven]

I have to laugh at people calling Handon codependent as if Delena isn't literally the posterchild of codependency. 95% of the ships in the TVDU are codependent, what are you talking about. It's a show about fucking vampires and witches, it's gonna be a bit more dramatic than real life. And about her not wanting to wake up.... Landon literally died JUST THEN. It's completely understandable that her initial reaction is something drastic and self-destructive because she's GRIEVING. When Damon died Elena made herself hallucinate him for MONTHS and when that didn't work anymore, she willingly gave away her memories of him. And that wasn't just an initial reaction made in the heat of the moment, she made that choice very consciously. So I don't want to hear it about Handon when in comparison they're still one of the most healthy TVDU ships, if not the healthiest. Go cry somewhere else. Smh.

Exactly! (No offense to anyone who ships Delena.) And I’ve seen that a whole lot of H*sies are also big Delena fans as well, yet they attack Handon for things that actually apply to their own ships? And I feel like the whole codependent thing is just another term people use against a ship they don’t like, and will use it so much that it loses it’s meaning. To the point where if Hope is affected by Landon being in danger or him dying and she has a strong reaction to it and struggles with it, which is very understandable, people call them codependent. They take it so far that they almost make it seem as if caring that much about someone you love is unhealthy? If Hope doesn’t show that she cares about Landon when he’s in danger or she loses him, if she doesn’t grieve, if she’s not affected, what’s the point of any of it? Their love isn’t gonna feel real or leave any impact. There are ways that couples can be codependent and unhealthy, but that’s just not the case with Handon. And that’s also a good point about Hope not waking up, because it literally was her initial reaction. I don’t think it had been more than a couple of days? So yeah, I completely agree that her response was totally understandable and made sense. And very true about Elena’s reaction to losing Damon as well, but I’ve not seen those fans, who also ship Delena, saying anything about that? They’re such hypocrites, fr Handon is one of the healthiest TVDU ships. People who wanna say otherwise are just bitter because of their own ship not happening.

#answered

[boxbusiness]

Totally didn’t try to make a bootleg card with a devilgram story or nothing... 

👀💦

But if ya wanna read some fluff with Fem!Beel check under the cut~ 🙃🙃🙃

Also apologies if it’s wonky~ I’ve never written a self insert and it’s kinda not and is at the same time >3>”

Hungry Eyes

It was a typical morning at the House of Lamentation. A majority of the residents finished their breakfast and had left to take care of their tasks for the day. Only three girls remained in the dining room. Lucifer and Asmo sat at one end of the table causally chatting about various topics, while their younger sister Beel sat on the other side. She was starting her brunch meal.

The two ladies were enjoying their conversations until the sound of loud monching and crunching ramped up. Lucifer and Asmo paused to awkwardly look at each other then awkwardly look at Beel.  Beel never paused. She simply continued gorging on her meal. 

“Oh wow! She’s really going at it... Ah Ha-ha.“ Asmo commented ending her sentence with a nervous laugh. “Umm... Should we stop her? This is getting hard to watch...” The ferocious pace Beel was eating at was quite intimidating.  Lucifer sighed and nodded agreement.

“Beel...” The first born called out to no response as Beel was too consumed in consuming. “Beel.” She repeated more sternly, but still no response. “BEELZEBUB!” Shouting finally got sixth born’s attention. The sudden call of her name made her flinch in the middle of taking a bite out a danish.

“Hmm... What’s up?” Beels asked then continued to take a bite. 

“Ah... Well... Don’t you think you shouldn’t be eating like that, dear?” Asmo started to say. “You know... Unladylike.” 

“Oh...” Beel looked at the empty plates surrounding her. “Well I don’t care about that as long as I get to eat.” 

“You don’t view this a problem, Beel?” Lucifer questioned. “Aren’t you worried of what others might think?” 

“No.”

“So you’re okay with others thinking of you as a pig then?”

Beel flinched at that statement and there was twinge of hurt in her face. Her cheeks turned bright pink and she quickly looked down at her lap. Even Asmo flinched at the harsh comment. 

“Hey~ She didn’t mean it like-” Asmo attempted to console her sister, but was cut off by her suddenly standing up. 

“I understand.” Beel was still looking down as she picked up her plates and hurried off drop them in the kitchen and then run back to her room. Asmo shot Lucifer an accusatory look after Beel left.

“Wow Lucy... Bold of you to call her a pig to her face. Totally not a bitch move or anything...” She scolded.

“What? I didn’t call her a pig. I was simply implying that-” 

“Oh sure sure... You didn’t mean it like that.”

“I wasn’t trying-”

“HMM-MMM...”

The two continued to bicker. 

~*~*~

Beel entered her shared bed room face still flushed from earlier. Lucky for Beel, her twin went back to napping after breakfast, so she couldn’t ask about her pink face. She proceeded throw herself in her bed and began clutching the sheets and pillows.

“Do people actually think I’m a pig?” She softly questioned herself. 

Beel never really thought about it. She was the avatar of Gluttony. It was in her nature to like eating... a lot. If anyone had an issue with her eating habits that was their problem not hers. However, all of a sudden she felt so self-conscious at the thought of someone judging her.

“Do... they think I’m a pig?” 

“Haaah...? What are you mumbling about?” 

Beel’s eyes widen and she flipped around on her bed to see her sister Belphie was no longer swaddled in her own covers, but instead looming over her. 

“Belphie... Did I wake you? I’m sorry.” Beel sat up in her bed still clutching a pillow. “I was just thinking about... Things. I’m fine.” She gave a small smile to assure her twin everything was alright. Not that Belphie was buying it.

“Things? What things?” Belphie crossed her arms and frowned at Beel. She knew something was up and intended to find out what.

“Ah... Well I thinking about how good breakfast tasted.” Beel’s kept darting around avoiding Belphie’s glare.

“And...?”

“...And I like what you did with your hair.”

“And...?”

“...And how it’s nice weather out today.”

“Annnnd...?”

“...And maybe I want to not eat so much anymore.”

Belphie would have done a spit-take if she was drinking something. She gripped her taller sister’s shoulders.

“Beel what is going on? Are you sick? Hurt? Does Belphie have to smack a bitch?” Her stare was so serious. Beel shook her head.

“I just think it would be a good idea for me... to cut back. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m a pig or anything...” Beel turned her head and quietly murmured that last part.

“Beelzebub... The always-famished sixth born... Avatar of Gluttony... Is on a diet?” She was utterly dumbfounded.

“Not a diet, per se, I’m just going to eat less. Like normal portions like everyone else!” Beel beamed. Belphie arched a brow. 

“So are not going to eat for the rest of the day? You ate enough that would last anyone else the rest of the week actually.” Beel pouted. Belphie sighed. “Why are you so worried about what others think about your eating habits all of a sudden. This never bothered you before...” Beel refused to make eye contact as her cheeks turned light pink. “Is there a certain someone you’re worried about looking down on you?” Beel perked up turning bright red. “Ha. Gotcha.” 

Before Beel could protest, her DDD sounded with a text. She took out her device and read the message and promptly got up to leave.

“Hey where are you going?”

“MC and I had plans to walk around Devildom today.”

“Hehehe... Good luck walking around the food vendors, sis.” Belphie teased.

Beel merely shot her twin a frown and shut the door behind her. She sighed. She knew how badly she was going to need that luck.  

~*~*~

“Oh Lady Diavolo give me the strength to endure this hell...” Beel quietly chanted to herself. 

“Isn’t this great, Beel? There seems to be some sort of food festival today. Look at all the different stalls! Where do you want to go first?” MC cheerfully asked. “I bet you want to visit all of them. Haha~” Oh how badly she wanted to do that. Beel’s face turned pink and she quickly brushed passed MC. 

“L-Let’s keep walking.” She blurted out before continuing down the side walk. MC immediately pegged this as strange. She wasn’t a picky eater unless it came to Mammon or Solomon’s food, but they weren’t around so what could be wrong? They followed after her. 

Trailing behind her for a couple minutes it was absolutely clear to MC that Beel was denying herself the pleasure of eating for some reason. She’d eye other people snacking on delicious goodies and stared at plated meals on display with deep longing in her eyes. Her stomach would growl occasionally scaring anyone in earshot. It was very strange, and every time MC tried to point out how weird she was acting she’d quickly change the subject. 

MC got tired of going circles. They were going to get to bottom of this.

The two decided to take a break from their stroll to sit at an open cafe, and of course Beel wasn’t ordering anything. MC was fiddling with the laminated menu while Beel looked off to the side miserable.

“Ahem- So what are you going to get? This crepe looks-” 

“I don’t want anything.” Beel lied.

“You don’t want anything? Anything at all?” MC asked.

“I’m not hungry.”

That was it. MC wasn’t going to be nice about it anymore. It was time to go for the throat. MC flagged down a waitress and placed an order.

“Hey~ You better not be ordering something for me!” Beel said eyeing the waitress walking away.

“I wasn’t.” “Good... Because I wasn’t going to eat it.” 

“I know.”

Moments later, the waitress returned balancing an immaculate sundae on a silver platter. The waitress placed it on the table told MC to enjoy and left. The two of them stared, one with more desire in her heart. Beel stared in a daze which was broken when MC picked up the cup.

“MMMM! Doesn’t this look just scrumptious?” MC started playing it up. Not that it was really needed as Beel couldn’t shake her gaze. “The freshly cut strawberries smells so sweet and look how the sugary syrup oozes down the soft ice cream!” There was an audible gulp. “This dessert is truly divine if I do say so myself~” MC eyed Beel for a reaction. 

“W-w-Well go head and enjoy it!” She crossed her arms and pretended not to be fazed. 

“Okay~ Here I go!” MC scooped at the sundae making a big show out of it. They examined the spoonful, and wafted the aroma, and even closed their eyes to take a bite. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah~”

“Wait.”

MC opened their eyes to see Beel madly blushing with tear welling in her eyes,  one hand over her mouth, and the other raised giving the stop hand sign.

“I want it.” She whimpered. 

MC chuckled. They shifted their chair over to her and offered her the spoonful. She took a bite and her expression of relief, pleasure, and happiness made MC’s heart feel light.

“That’s my girl. Now after this let’s properly enjoy today.”

Beel smiled and nodded, licking the sweetness off her lips.

#Obey Me #genderbend #rule 63 #Beel #Beelzebub #Fanfic #Fluff

[panharmonium]

I would like to add Gwaine to the list of friends Merlin had. Especially in the 3/4 seasons he really was ride or die for Merlin, they shared intimate details with each other, they truly trusted each other. There were instances where the show alluded that Gwaine knows about Merlin's magic and is fine with it.

hi there!  i’m assuming this is in response to the post i reblogged about will and lancelot being merlin’s only “real” friends?  

i’m actually happy to write about this, now that the question has been posed - it’s been a while since i wrote anything long about gwaine!

fair warning in advance: i don’t personally classify gwaine the same way i do will and lancelot, and that’s what this piece will cover in more detail, but these are just my own thoughts, and it is totally cool for everybody else to have different opinions.  my take is my take, but it does not have to be everyone’s take - if people wanna scroll past because this isn’t their vibe, i don’t mind in the slightest. :)

so, without further ado - i LOVE gwaine, and i have written extensively about how amazing his relationship with merlin is (some examples here, here, here, and here, if anybody’s looking).  he is the most likely of all merlin’s living friends to ditch arthur in the name of addressing merlin’s needs, which is super important, and he also has a much healthier friendship with merlin than arthur does (in my own personal opinion, of course, which nobody is obligated to share).  he definitely does go ride or die for merlin in S3/S4, i agree.

but my own thoughts on this particular point are still the same as they were in that original post.  i tend to hide my clarifications/explanations in the tags, so they might have flown by, but i’ll just copy/paste the relevant bit here for ease of access, as some background for the rest of this post.

re: will and lancelot were merlin’s only ‘real’ friends:

#what this does not mean: merlin has no other friends!  merlin doesn't have meaningful and important relationships with other people!   #what it does mean:  #every single one of merlin's other relationships is undergirded by the sickening knowledge that those friendships are conditional   #every single one of his other relationships is accompanied by the constant undercurrent of 'they would hate me if they knew'   #merlin knows his friends 'care' about him   #except they don't really; because it's not truly him they're caring about   #they care deeply - about someone merlin made up   #about a facade.   #in the most basic sense   #those relationships aren't Real   #the love merlin feels for the people in them is real   #but you cannot truly be 'friends' with somebody who doesn't even know who you are   #you cannot be loved without being known   #you certainly cannot be loved without being safe

obviously i suppose a person’s thoughts on this would be different if they headcanoned that gwaine knew about merlin’s magic, and that’s fine.  i personally do not believe canon indicates or supports that, but i’m not out to convince people to abandon their own fanon interpretations of things; i’m happy just hanging out in my own space talking about my thoughts.  me writing meta is the virtual equivalent of me talking to myself in my room - if other people have different conversations with themselves, that’s fine :)  i don’t mind if other folks organize their thoughts about things differently.  

in accordance with that - everybody please feel free to continue on with your own interpretations, and ignore mine if mine do not appeal to you!  if people are interested about how i organize my ideas on this, though, they are essentially as follows:

1) a cage fighter, a class traitor, and a fake sorcerer walk into a tavern

ok, to start with - here’s a graph.

(...who tf starts a meta post with ‘here’s a graph’ lol i just drew a venn diagram for the first time since like...middle school...i LOVE fandom, man, this is RIDICULOUS)

anyway

this is a very rough interpretation of how i think about gwaine, lancelot, and will:

to address some of these elements individually:

lancelot and will give merlin something that gwaine can’t - safety, authenticity, the comfort of being known and seen for real, a respite from constantly qualifying every friendship with ‘they would hate me if they knew’

lancelot and gwaine, likewise, give merlin something merlin wouldn’t be as likely to get from will (if will were still alive, i mean) - an understanding of merlin’s devotion to the Crown, a supportive ally in the fight to promote arthur’s reign and keep arthur/camelot safe

will and gwaine, for their part, are more likely to tell arthur to go fuck himself, if it’s important for helping merlin, and that’s a different kind of support that merlin also really needs.

and will, on his own, gives merlin something that neither lancelot NOR gwaine can provide, which is a friend who isn’t connected to or even particularly interested in arthur pendragon (merlin has nobody in his life like this, not after will dies) - somebody who knew and cared about merlin before merlin had any proximity to arthur, before this whole ’destiny’ issue reared its merciless head.

everybody in merlin’s life matters to him and gives him something important.  gwaine is STUPIDLY important to merlin.  the love there is real.  but in canon, because gwaine is not in the know, gwaine is still one of the people from whom merlin feels compelled to hide himself.  gwaine is right up there alongside gwen, arthur, elyan, percival, etc - every other person who merlin loves, who merlin nonetheless constantly, back-of-his-mind fears, ‘they would reject me if they knew.’

the above is part of why i personally have never been too interested in ‘so-and-so knows about merlin’s magic’ canon-imaginings.  there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them, and i’m sure people must have tons of fun with them - and in an AU context maybe i would have fun with them too - but as hopeful interpretations of actual canon, they don’t appeal to me.  merlin’s near-total isolation and desperate, constantly-frustrated desire for real, honest love is an inalienable aspect of his character for me, one i can’t separate from who he is and why he does the things he does and why he eventually ends up in the place where we find him towards the end of the show.  

2) i just want someone to see me for who i am

i have seen a bit of sentiment out there along the lines of ‘merlin should have told (x person) about their magic’ or ‘(x person) obviously doesn’t have a problem with sorcerers,’ but i guess i personally don’t think it’s as clear as all that, and i think me saying it is would be doing merlin a disservice.

merlin’s desire to be seen/known/accepted is literally the most base urge he has.  if he truly thought he could tell somebody safely, he would.

i think merlin knows the people in his orbit well enough to know how they feel about sorcery, at least in a general sense.  and even if they aren’t bloodthirsty bigots like uther, they aren’t exactly welcoming magic with open arms, either.  at the most basic, elementary level, merlin understands something that we don’t like to think about: none of his friends ever challenge arthur on the sorcery ban or express any dissatisfaction with the political status quo, and, even absent outright bigotry, this fact speaks loudly enough in and of itself.  merlin’s friends might not be out clamoring for sorcerers’ blood, but they aren’t criticizing a society that criminalizes sorcery, either, and they are never shown to have a problem with the way things are, even though the way things are is wrong.

The Way Things Are is, in fact, unjust.  it’s oppressive.  and allowing that state of affairs to continue, unquestioned and unchallenged, when you have access to the king’s ear and aren’t personally in danger of being persecuted, indicates that you’re okay with the injustice.  that you’re comfortable with the oppression.  that you don’t see a problem with the status quo, and that you're unbothered enough by it to let it be.

it doesn’t matter that merlin’s friends have never straight-up said ‘boy, magic sure is evil’ onscreen.  they never say that camelot’s policies are wrong, and that delivers a clear enough message on its own.

3) it is not a crime to fight for your freedom

to bring this back to gwaine specifically, since that was originally the focus of this ask -

for me, for all that i adore gwaine, and for all that i think he was, for the most part, an INCREDIBLY sound, healthy relationship for merlin, the truth is that gwaine is as much a part of this problem as everyone else.  does that mean i personally think gwaine would have summarily dumped merlin if he’d found out merlin had magic?  no.  but i don’t think it’s as uncomplicated as maybe we wish it might be, and i think merlin has every right to be as uncertain of gwaine on this issue as he does of everyone else.

for one thing, like i said before, even gwaine, who used to have fewer qualms than any of the knights about pushing back on arthur’s BS, has never said a word about camelot’s injustices, or ever acknowledged that the laws of the land are unjust to begin with.  

for another, there are specific moments that kind of make you wonder.

5.05 (’the disir’) is a good example of this - when gwaine finds osgar in the woods, the two of them have this exchange:

you are a sorcerer, a heretic, and a murderer.  

the rhetoric of this sentence frames all three of these things as equivalent entities - criminal ones.  

to pick this apart more carefully:

a) sorcerer

it’s worth noting here that we’re never told osgar has done anything worse than evading arrest for the crime of being a known sorcerer.  when leon mentions him in the council meeting, the conversation consists solely of the following:

“as you know, a few days ago our garrison in the forest of breckfire intercepted the man who goes by the name of osgar.”

“the sorcerer.”

“the same.  they were trying to apprehend him when he used his powers to escape.”

and…that’s it.  osgar’s crime, as far as we know, was simply being a sorcerer (and then, after that, attempting to escape an unjust arrest, thereby killing a knight in the process).  there’s no mention of any other activities that would have warranted his arrest in the first place, other than the possession of magic.

but magic, even on its own, IS a crime in camelot - and gwaine levels the accusation at osgar as such.

b) heretic

that’s a hell of a word to throw around, if you think sorcery is chill.

“heretic” isn’t a mild accusation.  "heretic” has vitriolic severity behind it.  people are accused of heresy when they’re perceived to be in brazen defiance of what is (in the eyes of the accuser) unquestionably right and correct.  “heretic” is like…it’s like blasphemer.  the connotation is not just that something is bad, but that it’s sinful.

for gwaine, either osgar’s association with sorcery and/or his defiance of camelot’s army makes him a heretic.  and that’s not something a person who is down with sorcery or supportive of a magic-user’s struggle for freedom would say.

c) murderer

if gwaine were cool with sorcery, we would expect him to understand that a sorcerer who resisted arrest for the crime of being a sorcerer isn’t a murderer.  

it’s like kara said in 5.11 - it is not a crime to fight for the right to be who you are.

camelot has been killing sorcerers for decades.  osgar mortally wounded a soldier (not an innocent civilian, i might note) who was trying to imprison him.  he was resisting the armed forces of an oppressive state.  that’s not murder.

somebody who understands that camelot is an oppressive regime wouldn’t think of this as murder.  they would understand that it is not a crime to protect your own life when the state has literally been trying to exterminate your people for years.  and even if osgar had been engaged in rebellious activities against the state (which as far as we know is not the case - nothing like this is ever referenced!), they would understand that people with magic have long been overdue for a righteous uprising.  

but gwaine is a little more like arthur, in this moment - he sees the “wrong” that osgar has done (in the form of sir ranulf’s death) without seeing the thousands upon thousands of wrongs that camelot visited upon the magical community first.

4) you can’t go armed into a sacred place

the rest of this episode is similar.  gwaine pays just as little heed to merlin’s warnings as the rest of the knights, when merlin admonishes them that the disir’s cave is sacred.  gwaine doesn’t relinquish his sword or take special care upon entering the cave.  in fact, he is the one who outright interrupts the disir while they’re speaking - as they’re telling arthur a series of hard truths, that he’s persecuted magic-users, “even unto slaughter;” that he’s desecrated their space: “you come here, to the most sacred of the sacred, to the very heart of the Old Religion, with weapons drawn - trampling hallowed relics - treating our sacred space like you do your kingdom - with arrogance - with conceit - with insolence - ”

and gwaine cuts them off, pushing to the front of the group and shouting at them “enough!  you speak of the king!”  and that’s when the fight starts, when mordred gets stabbed.

someone who was fully accepting of magic, or who knew anything about it at all, would not have behaved this way.  they would not have bristled at hearing how arthur’s regime unfairly persecutes the magical community.  they would have known that it was true.

5) i just want to be myself

the above is just one example, but it’s a clear enough one to illustrate what i mean.  gwaine IS an amazing friend to merlin.  he does treat merlin well.  and merlin loves him to death.  but gwaine is NOT totally chill with magic.  i’m not saying he actively hates it, but he is not, from what merlin has witnessed, entirely safe.  merlin loves him, but he can’t be himself around him.

and i do think that pains merlin terribly.  all these people who he loves so much, and every time he’s with them there’s always that whisper: ‘this is a charade.  all the love in my life is a lie.  they only like me because they don’t know me.  if they knew who i really was, this would be over.’  

and we wonder why he never tells anyone.  we tell him he ‘should’ have told gwaine, gwen, morgana, arthur, like it would have been easy, or even possible, for him to ever consider putting himself in a position where he could lose what precarious, partially make-believe connections he has.

merlin, in the later seasons, when he worries about his magic being exposed, isn’t afraid of being executed.  he’s afraid of becoming even more alone than he is now.  and he has good reason to feel that way - even people who appear to put him first aren’t fully on board with the thing that makes him who he is.  and merlin knows this.  he’s seen it.  none of his friends are out fighting for people like him at court.  some of his friends shake their heads and assure arthur “you are a good and just king” when arthur expresses concern that maybe the disir are right, maybe he has indeed transgressed.  some of merlin’s friends used to buck the system in defense of the powerless, but now they defend the regime even when the accusations levelled against it by an oppressed population are true.

merlin knows that revealing himself is a kind of risk that could very plausibly end with him utterly disowned.  every single friendship he has is subject to this justified fear, this bitter knowledge.  merlin has every reason to doubt the soundness of his relationships.

and, circling back to the thing that started all these musings - the only friends who never made him feel that way were will and lancelot.

that’s all i mean when i say that will and lancelot were merlin’s only “real” friends.  i wish there were a better word to use than that, because i really don’t mean it like…as if merlin’s relationships with other people weren’t…valid, or important, or based on true love and care.  they were.  but there’s just not a better way to express that will and lancelot were the only people who ever even knew who they were friends with, who saw merlin for exactly who he was and said “i love you still.”  they were the only ones whose friendship was something merlin didn’t have to be afraid of losing solely for existing.

i always think of morgana’s line in 2.11 - ‘i don’t want to be brave.  i just want to be myself. i don’t want to be alone anymore.’

around everyone else, merlin has to be brave.  he has to keep up the pretense, which means even when he’s surrounded by friends, he’s completely isolated.

with will and lancelot, though, he could be himself.  with will and lancelot, he wasn’t alone.

6) post-script

i really appreciate being given the opportunity to muse to myself about this in more detail - i actually needed to think through some things regarding gwaine anyway, for writing purposes, and this was actually really helpful in organizing my brain.  so thanks, anon, for the prompt!  

i know my answer probably runs counter to your own interpretation of things, but as i said, this is just my own personal outlook.  i typed it up because the message got me thinking, and because i know i have a couple of friends who might find it interesting, but my thoughts apply only to me, and i do not mind at all if folks think about these things differently!  nobody is obligated to agree with anything i write, or give it any further thought, or even read it at all - we’re all going to engage with this story in different ways, so if anybody finds that this isn’t their cup of tea, please feel free to scroll on by, and keep having fun with this show in whatever way makes you happiest! :)

#tumblr is doing something weird and not letting me use read-more's in posts that are replies to an ask #i was able to screenshot the last ask i replied to and just turn the whole thing into a text post with a read-more #because i knew the sender would see it anyway #but i'm not sure an anon will see this without getting the notification #sorry this is a #long post #i will play with it more and see if i can get the cut to actually show up #=/ #the once and future slowburn #you're the only friend i've got #meta #replies #the bravest and most noble of them all #no kings no masters

[capriccio-con-espressione]

N(oona) C(raving) T(endencies)

This is my 3k words of analysis of NCT members who I think are likely to have a noona kink based on the ask. Enjoy!

Disclaimer:

By this I am not saying that other members not mentioned here don't have any possibility to date an older female/enjoys referring to their dommes as noona, it's just like the tendency/preference isn't that clear or obvious in my opinion. Do not send in rude comments just because you disagree though I will appreciate some feedback.

Warning: Sub!Taeyong, Sub!Jungwoo, Sub!Mark, Sub!Xiaojun, Sub!Jaemin, Domme!Reader, Femdom, Noona kink, Degradation, Whipping, Spanking, Pegging, Public humiliation, Role-play, Oral sex, Sex toys, Dry humping, Dildo riding, Mentions of mental health issues/negative emotions

Taeyong

This boi is insufferably kinky and subby

In Baby Don't Like It he stated he likes it rough

In Whiplash he literally emphasized again how much of a painslut he is

And his ideal type is “Someone who can teach me, lead me, and make up for my flaws.”

To conclude this, Tyongie may be craving for a strong, mature female's guidance when he's lost and insecure, a noona domme who can heal all the anxiety, stress and inner guilt he's been through by her ruthless discipline, plus, the age hierarchy implied in the title will allow him to sink into his headspace even more.

He's such a sucker for this torment that, with one stern look from you, he will automatically strip naked and ready himself in the humiliating positions assigned by you before without any spoken command, and obediently waits for the first slap/whip while trembling in both anticipation and thrill

I can totally picture him begging his noona for more punishment, though already red, sore and sobbing

"...Ahhh noona I'm sorry... *sniffles* please punish me more for being a bad, ill-mannered boy...don't stop mmmff-"

However, that being said, if that noona domme is actually younger than him, he may be down for the added humiliation due to the role reversal

Imagine that younger domme dismissively orders him to call her "noona" in public, and commands him to use honorifics to speak to her, the exact type and wording that make him sound humbled…

He will be turned on by that while people around you shoot puzzled gazes toward you as they wonder why the hierarchy dynamics aren’t in the right place, making Taeyong feel embarrassed as well as aroused

By the way, some role-plays can be added to spice up your sex lives as well, e.g. CEO x employee, professor x student, guard x prisoner, to name a few, as long as you are in power and makes sure to beat the naughtiness and disobedience out of him

Though being intensely kinky during the session, aftercare for this precious boy has to be really fulfilling as well

So you have to be able to play an attentive caring role just like a noona (a little bit maternal figure as well, I have to admit)

Make sure the process is all intimate and brimming with praises, reassuring the broken figure that the "bad boy" is "forgiven" to thoroughly sew up his wounds

Bubble bath, scented candles with calming aroma, sensual massage with essential oils of his favorite scent and texture, or having some good quality snacks while cuddling, are all good options for aftercare because all of them can reinforce the idea that he’s “worthy” of anyone’s love and attention due to the physical contact and interactions allowed in them 

So steamy and sensual that if done correctly, Taeyong may be in the mood for another round of vanilla sex to get an extra gratifying orgasm again

Jungwoo

A clingy little pup that will follow you around and will cutely pout when not given enough attention or skinship

Loves to be babied and taken care of, so he would love the accompany of a sweet caring noona to make him feel at ease (borderline mommy kink as well)

Remember that Valentine's Day Facetime vid where he just referred to the viewer insert as "noona"? That probably implied his preference for an older female figure

Will do anything to please you since he's very love-starved and doesn't want you to feel uncared for because he knows too well how much that sucks, he will shower you with the same amount of affection he expects from you as well

Anxious and always worries about if he's still "needed", so that's why he will opt for a perspicacious noona to counsel him for his delicate soul to rely on, and shower him with the adequate amount of love then pamper him 

Melts at cute pet names such as pup, angel, prince, little fairy, snoopy or any endearing terms because they make intimacy upgrade to another level

May act a bit playful or even borderline bratty from time to time, mainly to spice things up and get some sexy punishment to release his excess nervousness

But hardcore stuff definitely isn't for him, since the soft boy can't tolerate much pain. 

Light impact play on his erogenous zones is fine, but he enjoys the feelings of vulnerability and exposure more rather than the pain itself

The type to let out loud moans even when just getting his underwear peeled down because the instant when the air hits his flesh is a huge turn-on for him, so much to the extent he is yearning to beg you to fuck him just from getting naked

Very sensitive, literally gasps, squirms and grinds every time when you caress or slap his sweet zones and will beg you to stop though you know he's enjoying it too much

Will repeat your title like a mantra as if it's the only thing that can keep him sane

Be wailing like "Hnnngh noona pretty pleeaase stop spanking me ahhh noona no I'll be a good boy pleaseee it stings noona I'm sorryyy hahhh" but the way how his hips rock against your lap will betray his words, giving you more reason to torture him

Loves being pegged and used, or getting his all possible sensitive spots stimulated and stuffed at once because he just lusts after every inch of his body being thoroughly pleasured inside-out, and drown in the depths of overstimulation and hedonistic ecstasy to feel completely loved and secured

Edging is really suitable for this delicate boy because of the enhanced experience after prolonged denial, which makes the orgasm more earth-shattering than ever

Though he will be a teary puddle and begs you to end the ordeal, the uncertainty and feebleness associated with edging will turn his mind into a soaring frenzy state even more, enabling him to release all his pent-up frustrations and negativity while finally allowed to empty his balls

Likely to get emotional and will hold on to you very tight during post-climax aftercare due to the intense sensation that just washed through his mind and body, feeling extra fragile and really needs to be thoroughly cared for

Petting his head, kissing his tears away with "I love you"s constantly coming out of your lips is a must, as he drifts to sleep like a fallen angel nestled in his safe space, which is the warm spot between your chest and your arms

Mark

An easily flustered mess when it comes to straightforward proactive girls 

Having left his family and devoted himself to the industry at such a tender age, he may want to be the more passive, dependent one in a relationship to make up for his lost adolescence

So he's probably looking for someone who he can rely on and takes the initiative in bed, while all he has to do is to close his eyes and enjoy himself

When he finds you, to whom he trusts enough to pour his doubts and perplexion about life, and is always guaranteed to receive some really thoughtful response, he sees you as someone very valuable.

But more than that, you are a woman who seems to have endless fuel of passion, the exact type with whom Mark can replenish his strength when he got engulfed by the abyss of stress

Also, you are notably witty with words that sometimes aids his lyric writing process, but that means he can never win against you in any friendly bickers as well, especially when you cite some of his lyrics to roast him that renders him speechless.

Yet somehow, he gets hooked to the feeling of being a powerless flustered bundle in front of you

Gradually it develops into dirty imagination of you manipulating him into a mindless mess

And you are exactly the burning blaze that will scorch his body with vehement desires, make him so depraved yet still internally demand more

Never did he realize that being obedient for a noona figure will feel this good until he met you, his ideal match

You will guide him how to touch himself properly like a big sis, then demonstrate it yourself followed by some edging, as he whimpers at the sense of loss every time his build-up is ruined, pleading you with those big puppy eyes

And when you get to peg him, he will love the feeling that he's completely owned by you, getting his ass spanked while fucked also serves as a good reminder of who he belongs to

Doesn't talk much during sex to indulge fully. Expect some incoherent moans and weak chants of your title from him instead

But the boy also knows how to reciprocate when he's ordered to. He knows how to work that rapper tongue too well even if his brain is not fully functioning

His tongue can do wonders to your folds and is guaranteed to perform great with your strap in his mouth, looking up at you with those pretty doe eyes all the time to see if you like how he's doing

Will probably require some time and space for himself to just chill and cool down during aftercare instead of being very clingy, all you need to do is to make sure he’s comfy, or place a glass of drink he likes beside him while he’s organizing his thoughts or doing anything that fits his mood. 

No extra words or skinship is needed at this moment because based on your understanding and observations of him, he’ll be fully recharged when you decide he is most of the time

Xiaojun

A sensitive, sentimental bub that ponders a lot about lots of things

Passionate about music, and perhaps some classic literature or philosophy

So he may want his partner to share the same interests so he can love the way she wanna talk even more

Likely to crumble for a woman who’s sophisticated, cultured and speaks in a refined manner, and is often willing to discuss some profound matters with him, to the extent sometimes Xiaojun cannot keep up easily and may feel a bit flustered, but is secretly admiring her wits deep down while she’s patiently explaining some new art concepts or ideas to him

Hence, when he finds you, who is capable of playing that role and opening up new worlds to him, he is not only delighted but also excited and intrigued, anticipating every chance to talk to you more but when he finally seizes the opportunity, he will appear to smile shyly, avoiding your gaze all the time but whenever he slightly peeks at you, his eyes will be glittering with dreamy haze of enchantment

Because to him, knowledgeable women seem to have boundless potential that makes them distinctively mysterious as well as alluring, and he’s all about succumbing to that vast endearing wilderness, with you being the compass controlling his every move (lowkey sapiosexual I guess)

The fact that you are the embodiment of versatility, artistic grace, and mellow charisma, yet all cordial to him just like a jiě jie (noona in Mandarin) next door will flutter his heart as he falls for you even more

So once you finally end up in bed, he will be very enthralled and eager to please, and will literally subserviently worship every inch of your body as if you are a Goddess while complimenting you all the time

Yet not long after he will be amazed by another fact about you, that is, you are the definition of the saying “Sweet in the streets, freak in the sheets”

Xiaojun will soon find himself restrained while bent in compromising positions, with toys he never imagined a sweet person like you will ever own torturing his body and lust-crazed soul, as you whisper nasty degrading things to him, skewing and corrupting some classic literary works during the process, which makes him intoxicated in another sinfully imaginative aspect of your mind

Since he’s a sucker for anything about you, neglect play is a perfect way to torment him. 

Chain him up and place a toy on him, which can be either a vibrator or a prostate massager, before leaving him untouched, and watch him writhe and moan helplessly in unsatisfied heat, with his distinctive brows furrowed, eyes glossy with plead and need, a beautiful image perfect to be ruined

Open to lots of kinks since you are able to make them gratifying and mind-blowing every time as he becomes closer to your ideal notion of subby boy toy with every progress

Will still remain a blushy mess when ordered to beg or admit something humiliating even after getting fucked multiple times, though he likes it so much 

Something simple and lewd like “jiě jie please come in and fuck my slutty hole” “My pathetic dick only exists to be ravished by jiě jie” works well for him as he finally climaxes

This precious pretty boy is not all passive when receiving aftercare. Instead, he will sensually plant kisses all over your body while telling you how good you made him feel and how deeply he loves you

Melts and buries his face into the crook of your neck or sheets later on when you say the same back to him and praise him for taking you so well

Few moments of silent bliss will pass between you before you guide him back to reality again 

Jaemin

Another little painslut that wishes to be tamed and roughed up

His tolerance of pain may not be as high as Taeyong, but he likes the humiliation as much as the older does

Being an idol is stressful and suppressing, so he desperately needs to find some release through some pleasurable pain for the endorphin rush

Preferably receiving it from a noona-like figure who definitely knows what she’s doing, and again the hierarchy from her title will enable him to feel floaty and more deserving of the punishment

He’s the type to be horny really often and does barely anything to hide it, qualifying him as a very communicative, responsive and expressive sub

So he acts up all flirty and bratty in front of females who he deems as potential targets, to evaluate who’s probably sadistic enough to cater to his needs judging from their reactions, and of course, your dismissive attitude and sharp chastisement on his behavior intrigue him

Then he will make a further approach to gain your attention, from unsolicited winks and aegyo to cheesy pick-up lines, even going as far as some skinship that you are smart enough to know how intentional it is, all screaming brat demeanor that gets you irritated and riled up

Once he finally successfully gets you to bare his bottom and bend him over your lap, he’s a mesmerized moaning mess while enjoying basking in your tauntingly degrading words, admitting he’s noona’s dimwitted slut even before you ask him that

But of course, a sound spanking is still not enough to quench his submissive needs, he will literally shamelessly beg for more

In a provocative way

He will blatantly seduce you, from inappropriately touching you to straight-up humping you until you lose it to punish him for being obnoxiously needy, tying him up and dishing out toys or other implements that can deliver even more intense pain

At first, he will feign reluctance by pouting or complaining how much it hurts even though it’s still far from what he is able to take, in order to infuriate you and provoke more out of what you can give him

Being insatiable as he is, after some pain inflicted on him, he will reveal his true masochistic self and directly asks you to punish him harder just like Taeyong will do, but Jaemin’s self-degradation will be much more hardcore and a bit creative

“Noona please do it harder! Ahh- I’ve been badder than that! Make your naughty indecent-minded whore cum just by paddling me because I’m that pathetic mmmff-”

When you are dicking him down, he will beg you to destroy his hole and be really graphic about it, making his intentions of wanting you to abuse him like a fucktoy utterly clear to drive you wilder, with that iconic blissful smile plastered on his pretty features

He will be obsessed with your powerful strength while ramming into him so much that he will masturbate by riding a dildo while moaning loud enough for you to take notice and break into the room

After you are pissed that he’s playing with himself without your permission, he will be all like “But I missed noona’s big mighty cock so much that I can’t wait hnnnghh noona please come punish my horny hole and make it so swollen and sore that it won’t whore up ever again pleeaaseeeee”

You will definitely be so sexually active and satisfied with him as your sub because of his neediness and salacious talk to ignite your dominant desires

Even though he enjoys getting fucked all over to earn some revival to his work-drained soul, and appears to recover really quickly after orgasms, even capable of engaging in some playful conversations with you, it’s still likely for him to feel hollow and internally worn out due to the drastic neurochemical change but he won’t make it obvious

So you will need to be really observant and keep reassuring him for his well-being because all the excessive stress he’s been struggling through that makes him this submissive is stemmed from his desperate needs for praise and recognition

That’s also one of the reasons why I think he will be into a noona domme because approval from superiors is relatively more rewarding

But with proper aftercare, he’ll stay hooked to you and continue to pleasure both himself and you with matching kinky desires

#nct #wayv #nct smut #wayv smut #taeyong #jungwoo #mark #xiaojun #jaemin #taeyong smut #jungwoo smut #mark smut #xiaojun smut #jaemin smut #nct 127 #nct dream #sub!nct #sub!wayv #sub!nct smut #sub!wayv smut #dom!reader #my writings #Noona Craving Tendencies

[infinite-insignia]

((I uh. made an edgy moodboard for myself. also a vent/rant under the cut.))

(( wasn’t exactly in a super angsty mood earlier but then I thought abt things and my brain went “man I really was a horrible person huh” so basically this is a representation of my edgy kin thoughts whenever they resurface. not even joking, some of the quotes are p accurate. especially the “killed my old self but the new me isn’t much better” one cause it reminds me of my death and honestly yeah. that was totally my doing. tryna be a better person in this life but I guess I can’t do that. I mean it didn’t work back then, why would it work now. tho if I give up on remembering my last life, I’d be giving up on what’s p much my purpose in this life. remember everything and use that knowledge to (try to) better myself before this human body gives out and this soul fades. cause I don’t think this soul’s gettin reincarnated again. not like I have another shot at remembering everything. but everyone tells me to stop focusing on the past. that it doesn’t define me now. but tbh? it kinda does at this point. the human life I’ve lived? yeah that was normal before I remembered what I was last time. and now it’s all I think abt--and to be told to stop thinking abt it? to be called delusional over it? to have people try and prove me wrong by telling me how I lived my life--or, worse, by saying it never even happened? it hurts me emotionally. like,,,deeply hurts me. I wanna talk to people abt things so I know someone’s listening. that someone cares enough to at least attempt to understand. even fake understanding would be enough cause I’d believe it was real. I’d have someone to talk to outside of tumblr, at least. sure, my psychologist knows a bit abt this stuff, but I only see her once every other week--and not this week. so I can’t talk to her. can’t talk to my mom cause she doesn’t understand and I know for a fact we’d end up arguing. she’s said it before--she wants her kid back. this messed-up delusional freak who brings past lives into their current one apparently isn’t her kid--but that’s who I am. that’s what I do. even among people like me, I feel alone. I can’t talk to anyone and it’s driving me nuts--but at the same time I’m terrified to talk to people because of the reactions they could have. I can talk abt it on here but to you guys it probably just seems like lame, delusional ranting. so I might as well shut up before I start to look like even more of a whiny bitch, huh. I say that despite knowing it’s hard to shut up once I start talking. ugh. man I went from 0 to 100 real quick in terms of bad moods. and it’s not even a bad mood? like I’m upset, yeah. but it doesn’t exactly feel like stress, it feels more like,,,emptiness. like I’ve dealt with this shit enough that I’ve figured there’s no point in stressing over what’s gonna happen every few days or so. my brain wants to mistake this emptiness for calmness--but I’m not calm. I’m not happy, I’m not content, I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I’m a freakshow brought into another life for god knows what reason. Phantom Ruby shouldn’t have had the power to reincarnate me but it somehow did. Ruby itself is here too somehow--it’s just super weak/faint. like,,,I can tell it’s there, but it can’t do much. I can’t even see it anymore or hear it out loud--it’s just like an inaudible voice, kinda like a thought that’s not actually coming from me. if that makes sense. probably doesn’t cause I’m just delusional apparently. oh well. can’t let my mom know I’m going through this cause we’d just argue. cant tell my sis cause she doesn’t wanna hear abt my kin bs. says its annoying cause I talk abt it too much. tho she also says it’s not an issue as long as I believe it and I’m not hurting anyone--and I’m not hurting people. not intentionally. I just wanna talk. have some sort of an outlet. but when most of my past life is full of war and murder and blood and stress and evil and destruction and everything else that is horrible, people are gonna judge me if I talk abt it. think I’m still some murderer today--which I’m not. definitely not. I regret the things I did. yet I’ve had someone tell me that ‘villains don’t feel regret’ and you wanna know what I did in response? pushed said person in a fit of anger. not a super strong push or anything, just enough to throw them off balance for a second. but like,,,you can’t tell me what I did or didn’t feel. sure I may not have regretted a whole bunch during the war, but afterwards? I was a walking ball of stress and regret trying to make a better name for myself but failing. waiting til the end of the planet, when I was the last living mobian, to do something abt it. and that something wasn’t pretty--it’s what caused me to move onto this current life. I get a lot of thoughts from various points in my last life, and those all cause a whole lot of emotions. yet, at the same time, I currently just feel like a void. an empty shell who feels the emotions but not the effects of them. the emotions exist but have no impact currently. tho that doesn’t make sense to you does it? wow. to think I was all happy yesterday over that follower milestone. ofc I have to go and ruin my own mood again since that’s all I’m good for apparently. might just go to bed early at this point. take the rest of the night off. nothing else to do. it’s either sleep or leave myself with my thoughts--the latter of which would only lead to more stress and/or empty feelings. anyway. I don’t want you guys worrying abt me. you can feel bad for me, try to make me feel better, but don’t worry. worrying abt me would be a waste of time. I’ll live. just going through another rough moment all of a sudden. but as long as I have a purpose in this current life, I plan to see it all the way through. meaning I won’t physically hurt myself or do anything stupid over this, so don’t worry. my physical health is just fine. mentally, not so sure. probably shouldn’t be saying not to worry cause now you’re gonna worry. whatever, I’ve been typing way too much. said more than I probably should have. probably look like an overreacting emo teen. but I’m just gonna go to bed and try not to let these thoughts get to me. tho my brain is most active right before falling asleep most nights so I doubt that’d work. gonna have to go to school tomorrow. no use in arguing, it makes everyone feel worse. it’s just gonna be a slow, crappy day. at least wednesday is a half day and then we get the rest of the week off for thanksgiving. not that we’re gonna be celebrating this year, we cancelled out plans cause my grandma’s sick and we usually go over to her place where she cooks thanksgiving dinner. but certain smells make her nauseous and the whole thing would be too much of a hassle, so we cancelled that this year. I’m kinda worried abt her. haven’t seen her in a little bit and she has another surgery in december. no idea what kind of surgery but she’s in her 70s and has been sick before so. idk. I do know I’m concerned for her and also myself. my own mental state is a wreck and idk what to do abt it. but for now I’m gonna go to bed. sorry for taking up so much of your time, assuming anyone actually read this whole thing.))

#Out of control {ooc} #News report {update} #This is an illusion {aesthetic} #The sharpest of blades {kin} #long post// #negative// #no talking in the tags this time #the post says it all #going to bed now. see you guys tomorrow afternoon/evening #or night. not sure #if I'm not online tomorrow I should be back wednesday #sometime in the afternoon probably #but idk. hard to tell with all this shit going on. too much to think abt. #but like I said don't worry abt me. I'll worry abt myself #you guys have fun doing whatever you usually do #don't pay attention to the edgy kinnie in the corner #who's trying not to let their thoughts get to them #go abt your own things. live your own lives #let me be alone for a bit. maybe sleep these emotions off. #maybe school will distract me tomorrow idk. #wow I said I wasn't gonna talk in the tags yet here I am #but hey. I'm apparently delusional and have no idea what I'm talking abt #despite knowing very well what I'm talking abt after experiencing the most kinnected shift I've ever experienced over the past 6-ish months #I know I'm not delusional but I let the comment get to me anyway. #it was over a year ago. before this shift even began. before I discovered myself. #yet here I am letting it hurt me. #just. h. need sleep now. for real this time. #might update you guys on my mood tomorrow or wednesday. we'll see.

[ithefuturist]

EUROPE INITIATION - PART 3: PARIS

It’s hard to pin down when my French awakening started.

It might have been in 1992 when as a  little boy I watched the Roland Garros Ladies Final on tv with my father. While watching the match I heard him cuss like like a sailor as Monica Seles and Steffi Graf slugged it out in a thrilling final set which Seles eventually won, 10-8. This match was bananas! And I also learned my first French words from the match:

Égalité = deuce, but literally “equality” or “tied” (when the game is at 40-40). This term would then later come in handy when I learn about about egalitarian societies. 

S'il vous plaît = literally means “please” or “if you would please” but in tennis speak it’s basically used by the umpire to tell the crowd to “Shut up please. And thanks!” So picking it up as a young boy whenever I hear someone being loud or plainly saying something ludicrous I would precociously say, “S'il vous plaît.” “Shut up please. And thanks!” 😁

I also learned to count in French but only with the numbers 15, 30 and 40. Teehee! 😁  

Well, on second thought, my French awakening may have happened on another occasion. It might have been through Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables and The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Mostly through the music, I must say. Tom Hulce’s version of “Out There” is a long time favorite and of course Lea’s Eponine singing “On My Own” is quite remarkable. (Side note: while I was in Paris, I stayed near the river Seine and the Notre Dame cathedral and literally heard the bells of Notre Dame and couldn’t help but hum, well,  The Bells of Notre Dame. It felt so surreal! I also imagined Quasimodo ringing the bells himself! Haha!)  

But then there was French art. Claude Monet’s work has always fascinated me. So maybe Monet was the one responsible for my French awakening.

There was also French cinema. In my teens, the Embassy of France would hold a French Film Festival at the Shang and I would queue up every year to see some of the best French movies. Three films particularly moved me: 

Jean Renoir’s La Grande Illusion (The Grand Illusion) probably the best war film ever made 

The wonderfully acted La Vie rêvée des anges (The Dreamlife of Angels)

Indochine starring the amazing Catherine Deneuve 

There’s a lot to draw from, and as I look back I couldn’t pin it down to a single moment in time where my deep fascination to anything French began. I can tell you this - the moment I arrived in Gare de Lyon and as I emerged from the train station and into Paris it didn’t feel like I was in a foreign city. It almost felt like I’ve been there before, many times over. It almost felt like I was coming home. 

****

Picture story time! They’re not chronological - yet again - coz Tumblr.

****

This was at the train ride from Barcelona’s Sant station going to Gare de Lyon in Paris. Funny story - I booked a first class seat because, well, who doesn’t wanna be comfortable when they travel right? At the train station I was asking someone where the first class lounge was and I got weird reactions or I dunno maybe somebody pointed me to a set of chairs that were in some corner somewhere - I don’t remember. But what I learned was - first class train seats in Europe aren’t any special. Also, you literally have to carry your own luggage into the train. I actually asked a fellow passenger while we were about to board if that was normal. He laughed. So to the uninitiated (me), first class train ride does not equal first class airplane ride. I got over that unmet expectation coz baby I was going to Paris! Woohoo! Nothing else mattered at that time! 😁(UPDATE: after researching this over on YouTube it looks like this depends on the train you’re taking. It’s like PAL business class (meh) vs. Qatar or Emirates BC experience (wow!)) 

This was at the summit of the Eiffel Tower. Got the “VIP skip the line” ticket but still had to queue up for hours. As far as I’m concerned, going up the summit isn’t worth it. I feel like queueing up that long for anything is a waste of time. And then going down, you still have to queue up for the elevator as well. So just to go up and down the Eiffel Tower becomes a half day affair at least. My good friend Mona told me they should have offered me the option to rappell down the tower LOL! Between wasting time and something fun/dangerous, I would have taken the latter option easily. 

My favorite piece of art from the Louvre. 

This was the Japanese garden in Monet’s estate in Giverny. It’s like being in his famous Lilies painting. It’s quite an experience. Book the trip at Viator! 

Isn’t Paris beautiful? Alex brought me here to see this view. Actually, he brought me everywhere in Paris. Memorize ko na nga ang Paris guys kasi nilakad namin lahat. Haha! But I’m glad he did coz I really now feel like I couldn’t get lost in Paris. He also taught me how to use the Metro - and if you ask me, the Paris Metro is easier to navigate (and waaaay cleaner) than the New York subway. 

Venus de Milo. In the world of art - the powers that be dictate what’s valuable. Kinda like hype machinery. Just like the Cambell soup “art” by Warhol - madami kasi syang friends na alta who backed him up and hailed his work as “art”. I think same story sa Venus de Milo pero with this one it was during a time when civilizations were upholding their cultures by amassing (and salvaging) art. The French needed to collect significant pieces of art - and if I heard the story right - when they found the Venus de Milo they declared it as “the one” - the piece of art that they have that they can be proud of. In a way, it’s significant na rin but if you ask me about its artistic value - I’ve seen a lot of better sculptures but we also have to remember that art is also something that describes a moment in history so we couldn’t deny Venus de Milo’s significance. Ok na rin. Choice naman nila yan. Haha!

iPhone only. Didn’t even get to use my G7X camera. Used and abused the portrait mode feature of the iPhone. 

Thumbs up pose again. Note to self in the next travel photos - surf’s up pose naman for variety. LOL! 

Dilaw na dilaw. 

To be fair, I like this photo from the inverted pyramid at the Louvre. Pero naka thumbs up na naman. Ugh.

When in Paris - Vuitton. 

Don’t I look giddy here? Romanticism guys. Cupid bringing Psyche back to life. The placement of the sculpture at the Louvre was perfect too coz it gets natural lighting that makes it look even more dramatic. I was totally in awe of this sculpture! 

Eiffel Tower again. Still not Facebook banner levels. Oh well, next time.

Sacre Coeur. Sacred Heart. 

I thought I was being bold when I decided to go for this shot. I would later find out that a lot of people do this. Yung nakatayo sa gitna ng daan. K. 😂

I tried doing an emotive pose here. But still not Facebook banner quality. Check out the flip flop too.  

Monet’s garden. In fact, I got to go inside his house! BFF levels! Just kidding!

This was another attempt. But so casual. Pambahay look. Hahaha!

This was taken from the window of Monet’s bedroom. Nice no?

Eiffel Tower at night taken with an iPhone. 

French countryside. Nag traditional French lunch lang. 

This window type of photo is very Paris. 

Versailles. I highly recommend going to Versailles to understand the French better and why aesthetics is an intrinsic part of their culture. Their King literally wanted the French to be the best dressed and best looking people in the world. He even cared so much about his hair - hence the pictures of people with wigs back then. And then there’s the Palace of Versailles which he wanted to be the grandest palace ever. Na achieve naman nya. Daming gold. 

Montmartre. Mainit!

Uso na pala selfie dati pa. 

Outtake at the Notre Dame. 

Dior store. Nice no?

Louvre. 

Versailles. Gold talaga yang mga yan guys. HAHA!

Seine. 

Bawal daw pumasok si Sia dito guys baka ano daw gawin at makabasag. LOL! Waley. 🤦‍♂️

And that’s all that I could share to you guys! Thanks again to Viator for helping me make my vacation seamless. 

#travel #vacation #france #Paris #monet #da vinci #louvre #europe

[eyeofthewolfe]

Ninjago Movie: Different POV - Follow Where the Wheels Go

(Night before the attack of Meowthra)

The rev of the motorbike died out as it jolted to a stop. The two teenagers slowly looked up at their home and stared at it for a good 10 seconds. The sky above the older building was pink and orange, hinting that it was only around 7pm and the night was very much still young. The driver looked over her shoulder and back at her older brother before they both silently agreed to stay out a little longer that night. Curfew was 11 anyways, and they could always sneak in the window. With a malicious smile on both of the teenager’s faces, the motorbike revved loudly in the street and sped off into the city.

Kai wrapped his arms around his sister’s waist, leaning into her punk leather jacket. “Where are we going tonight?” He yelled over the wind and engine of the bike. Keeping her eyes on the road, Nya shrugged and yelled back, “I dunno, bro- where should we go?”

He paused, trying to think of somewhere to chill. When his mind drew a blank, he said, “Just follow where the wheel takes us!”

Nya thought through her brother’s answer, and then smiled broadly. She cleared her mind completely, looked at the streets like it was a maze, twisted her wrist, and then took off into the night.

As the colorful sky drained into darkness, the neon lights lining the streets grew brighter in her vision. Even though she could easily recognize where she was in their giant city, she purposely tried to forget where she was or where she was going. She didn’t know where she was going actually, she was just going. Kai was there for the ride, letting out a whoop or holler every once in a while.

After about 40 minutes of random turns and blurry street signs and empty roads, Nya hit the brakes and the bike screeched to a halt. Her windblown bangs flopped back down on her head and she laughed through the energy that was pulsing through her veins. “Now that was fun, right bro?” she asked, and then stuck her hand out to the side for a high five.

She paused before realizing Kai left her hanging.

“Yo bro, the high…” Nya trailed off when she turned and saw exactly what silenced Kai. “…five.”

The road they were parked in was slightly abandoned because it was about a mile or so outside the heart of the city. There were a few lights, most of them old streetlamps, but some of them were apartment windows where the middle class resided. But the lot that the two teenagers stared at was the darkest lot on the street. No sign of life, or people, or home. Just a boarded up door and an old store-shop sign that read “Four Weapons Blacksmith Shop”.

“Why did you bring us here,” Kai finally spoke from the back of the bike. Nya looked over, and noticed her brother’s charismatic smile was gone. “Of all the places in the giant city, the place you stop is right here.”

“Hey, you did tell me to follow where the wheels go,” she shot back. “I didn’t try to bring us back here. It must of…subconsciously bought me to come here.”

“It?” Kai snorted. “Like, destiny and fate and the other stuff Master Wu tells us?”

Nya leaned away from her brother. “Whoa, bro. Master Wu may be old and weird, but he is still wise. He also has a way better understanding about how the world works than us two combined.” Kai snorted again, but kept quiet after that. There was a brief pause before Nya killed the engine and flipped out her kickstand.

“Uh, what are you doing?” Kai droned as Nya slid off her seat.

She stuck her arms out as she backtracked to the shop. “Well, if destiny led us here, I kinda wanna find out why.”

With a look of annoyance, Kai groaned and rolled his eyes. “Whatever, sis. If it makes you sleep at night.” He slid his legs off the bike and followed her up the stairs.

The door was padlocked and boarded up. “Dang,” Nya murmured. “Guess it belongs to the city now.”

Kai looked up and eyed a broken window on the second story. The sibling’s eyes met, and it was set. With a quick glance down the empty street, the two quickly scaled the wall and slipped inside the building.

The older teen already had his phone out and his flashlight on in a matter of seconds. “Whoa, what a mess,” he whispered as they stared at a broken down living room with yellowed newspaper crumpled and all over the ground, a stained and torn up couch in the corner, and a few colorful, scratched up, and broken toys for young kids scattered throughout the room.

The two looked around for a bit, then realized there was nothing cool here. They located the stairs then went down to the shop below.

Dust was everywhere- on the counters and shelves, and coated on whatever swords and knives were left hanging on the walls. “This place hasn’t been touched since we left,” Kai murmured as he drew a frowny face on the store counter out of dust. “They locked the door and left all this to rust inside.”

Nya leaned against the wall. “It’s actually not a bad place. We could totally have a sibling HQ here.”

He looked over at her with a side smile. “A headquarters just for us two?”

With a shrug, she met his gaze. “Or even better, we could call it home.”

Kai’s smile instantly died. “Nya, I know you don’t like it at-“

“Oh, don’t like it is a huuuuuge understatement.” She laughed at him. “Kai, we don’t belong there. You know we don’t. Here, at least we can at least live a better life and honor them.”

Kai took a few steps closer to Nya while narrowing his eyes. “Honor who? Our parents? Our parents who just vanished when we were young? When I was five and you were three? Honor those people?”

It felt like he pierced her heart with one of the dust-encrusted blades in the shop. He instantly saw the look on her face and then looked down, at the ground, ashamed. “Look, I’m sorry-“

“For what, Kai?” Nya responded sourly. “Sorry that you faintly remember them and I don’t? Because that’s nothing to be sorry for, it’s something to be thankful for.”

He stared back at her in prolonged silence.

“You don’t think I wish I had some memory of them? Some mini clip in my head I can replay over and over to remember mine-our parents so that I can believe that there was something more to my life than just being an orphan?!”

Tears were now beginning to swell in her eyes. Kai had his mouth open, but his neck was visibly tight so Nya continued. “You don’t think I spend every moment of my life wondering if our parents are proud of who we are? Because I wish I could say yes, Kai. I wish I could- but I can’t because I can’t even tell you who my parents are.”

She stopped talking because her throat was so tight with emotion that it made her physically unable to speak another word. Instead, she began to sob heavily, first into her hands, and then into Kai’s shoulder when he slowly took her into his arms. She stuffed her face into his jacket and let the tears and gasps take over.

Finally, he moved his mouth close to her ear. “I don’t remember much about them either, Nya. All I know are two things. What they look like, and where they are not. And they are not here, but we are. And we need to make it without them.”

The gasps paused for a moment while Nya caught her breath. “We’ve made it so far, but I don’t know how much farther I can go, Kai.” Her voice was a weak whisper, a voice Kai rarely heard from his sister.

He pulled her off his shoulder and looked at her in the eyes. “Hey hey hey, let’s try and go for tomorrow, okay? Let’s start there.”

She wiped the wetness from her face and nodded, her bloodshot eyes fixated on her brother. “Okay,” she mouthed. Kai nodded in response, before looking around the shop once more. “Alright, let’s get back before it gets too late. You want me to drive?”

That made Nya bust out into laughter, which made Kai happy. “Uh, of course not.” She snapped. “You know you can never touch that bike.”

“I know…I know…” Kai joked as they went back up the stairs to their second-story exit. “I was just hoping for a one-time-thing.”

“Just know it will be a no-time-thing.”

“Cool. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Within a few seconds, the two of them were back on the bike and speeding off into the night. The neon lights were brighter as ever, but only Nya was admiring their streaks in her vision.

Kai’s vision was blurry and blinded with tears as he cried behind his sister.

He could never show his younger sister his tears. He had to be the strong older brother that she needed him to be, so that meant no weakness. And crying? Tops the list of weaknesses in Kai’s book.

He also hated seeing Nya upset, especially about their parents. There was nothing he could ever do or say to bring them back, so all he had was fake comforting words, a warm hug, and a shoulder to stop tears from falling down his sister’s face. But one thing he didn’t have? He didn���t have his own comfort. He knew he couldn’t break down because even his sister couldn’t rebuild him. He was the wall, the foundation. If he broke, then the scared and heartbroken child he hid all these years inside of him would show, and that’s the end of Kai.

He was able to pull himself back together as Nya parked the bike in their usual spot in front of their building. The lights were all still on, which was more comforting than their first home, but the lights seemed colder today.

Nya kicked the stand out and slid off the bike. “Well, here we are,” she groaned. “Wonder how much I’ll have to fake smile and spread fake encouragement tonight.” She bent over like she was talking to a short kid. “Oh, don’t worry Billy, I’m sure tomorrow will be the day! Oh, head up, Dick, you’ve got another day tomorrow! Let me see your pretty smile now, Sally! See, now I feel better too!”

Kai snorted and slid up next to his sister. “Aw, come on now, Nya- it’s never that bad.”

She let out a single laugh and lightly punched his arm. “You sound like me now,” she joked. She lifted her hand up, palm facing Kai, and he instantly slapped  their sibling high five. The sound of the clap was perfect of course, causing them both to wear a real, authentic smile as they entered the building named “Ninjago City Orphanage”.

#ninjago #different pov #the Lego Ninjago movie #cinemajago #cinemajago kai #cinemajago nya #ninjago fanfic

[forkanna]

[AO3 LINK] [EF LINK]

NOTE: ¥100 is roughly $0.90 US, for Americans who don't want to have to stop reading and google, which I totally understand. Just approximate ¥100 =$1 for somewhat close conversion purposes.

Also, this is where the story really begins to take off. The setup is complete: let the yuri begin!

CHAPTER FOUR

                                                 ~ x The Priestess x ~

Less than two hours later, I was sitting nervously on a bed in Dogenzaka. Love Hotel Hill. The last place I ever expected to find myself.

Just in case you don't know about it - which I doubt, Sis - that's where all young couples go when they need a night to themselves. Or just a few hours. Maybe the problem is a messy apartment, maybe it's parents… maybe it's just very thin walls in their building. Either way, love hotels do a lot of business - and that little corner of Shibuya plays host to the highest concentration of them in Tokyo. Finding one that would rent to me for a couple of hours without me already having the second person in tow was the easy part, and only cost me ¥3000.

Especially easy considering my disguise.

The hardest part was actually making the phone call. It took every ounce of courage I had, especially because I would be disguising my voice - which was something I didn't have a lot of experience doing. The memory of the call was still fresh in my mind…

"Housekeeping Service Victoria! What can we do for you today, sir?"

"Um… can I have… a maid?" Did I mention I was also the most nervous I had ever been in my life?

"Sure," the woman on the other end giggled. "That's what we're here for! Do you have a special request, or would you like me to describe a few of our top-rated maids and what services they can help you with?"

"I want Miss K-" That had been a close one. "W-what I mean is, do you have a maid named Becky?"

"Oh! I can certainly transfer you to Becky and see if she's available! One moment please."

Some pleasant, inoffensive harpsichord music played in the background until the transfer connected. The entire time, I had been sweating bullets, practicing making my voice even deeper.

"Hiiii! You've reached Becky! How may I help you today, meow?"

"Two hours. How much?" The less I said, the better.

"That will be ¥10000! Are you sure you need me for two hours, Master? I might be able to get all my work done in half that time!"

"Yes." Her calling me 'master' was already giving me nausea. But I tried to power through; I had to know what she was doing. After all, sweet Ann had given me half the money to request her, so the least I could do was follow through. "Hotel Juliet. Here is the address…"

And that was that. She didn't even waste a second hesitating when I gave her the address of a love hotel; just took it in stride. Which already seemed to be confirming my worst fears, but I told myself that I wouldn't back down or make any more assumptions; that would be even worse than confirming the truth.

So I made the room the tiniest bit messy while I waited for her. Then I sat on the bed, shaking like a leaf and sweating bullets. Right up until I heard the knock at the door.

"Housekeeping!" she called in a sing-song.

"Come in!" She came in. And already, I really wished she hadn't.

My Japanese language teacher stood before me wearing the same frilly black-and-white French maid outfit. What parallel universe did I step into?! Her hair was up in pigtails that hung down to her shoulders - or rather, it was a wig. No way her natural hair was long enough for that. A layer of foundation helped to conceal the very slight signs of ageing, making her passable for 21 or similar. Not that I knew how old she really was.

"It is nice to meet you, Master," she said with a playful curtsy. Really, I didn't think curtsies could be playful, but she did it.

"Good evening," I attempted in my best impression of a male voice.

"My my myyyeeow, but you're so handsome," she buttered me up with a flutter of her mascaraed eyelashes. "I'm such a lucky girl that you'll let me get covered in dust for you!"

"Th-thank you." Was I really handsome, though? My disguise was pretty believable. Ann helped me a lot with it, especially doing the stage makeup that made me look like I had a five o'clock shadow. But it was the big bushy mustache and having my shoulder-length hair stuffed up into fedora that made me look different enough that my teacher might not notice.

She stepped out of her Mary Janes and paced a little closer away from the door. "So! Let's just take care of that silly fee and we can get started right away! Victoria said you would pay in person?"

"Oh! Right, um…" Quick as I could, I fished out ¥10000 and handed it over. A double-shift for her. She pocketed it immediately, not even batting an eye. How many times had she done this?

"Thanks sooooo much! You're the best, Master! What can Becky do for you today?"

"U-um, well… get started on this mess. Then we can relax." That sounded really cheesy and sleazy, but it was the best I could do.

"Of course," she said with a huge wink as she fished a laminated card out of her apron pocket. "You can check this out while I get started! Should only take me a few minutes!"

I accepted it without really thinking, then watched numbly for a moment as she began to tidy up the pillows and sheets I had strewn around the floor. Humming a little tune as she worked. Finally, I decided the card might actually be important and took a look.

Hello, Master! Thank you for using Victoria Housekeeping Service! My name is BECKY ! I'm happy to do whatever you need!

Standard services include:

-Sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, dusting -Making beds/Airing out futons -Laundry -Light cooking -Conversation

Premium services (additional charge):

-Dancing alone ¥500 -Dancing together ¥500 -Lap kitten ¥1000 -Lap pillow ¥1000 -Tucking you in ¥1000 -Stocking removal ¥1000 -Keep stockings ¥5000 -Foot/neck massage ¥1000 -Deep back massage ¥2000 -Health Massage ¥5000 (Note: maid may refuse at any time) -Health Kiss ¥10000 (Note: maid may refuse at any time)

Prohibited requests:

-Pictures -Kissing the maid -Touching the maid without explicit permission, with any part of the client's body or objects under their control

Our maids are very important to Victoria! Please treat me with kindness and care! ❤

That had me reeling. Just that Miss Kawakami had to specify that nobody was allowed to touch her without her permission… this was her life after school was out. Being constantly hit on by men who had her all alone in their houses. She must have spent a lot of time hating herself on the inside. I had to wonder if that contributed to how weary she always looked, beyond simply being tired. But then I saw the fine print at the bottom of the card:

Our employees (maids) are not prostitutes and are not allowed to participate in sexual intercourse with unspecified persons. Violators of this policy will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. All names and locations of clients are noted in our records and employees who do not report in are treated as victims of crime and the clients as the responsible parties until proven otherwise.

Well… at least there was that.

"Soooo," my temporary maid asked as she picked up the condoms I had dumped out of the bedside table drawer - which I now was horrified about since I hadn't even noticed what they were before, "my master seems to have been very messy just for meeee. Was there another reason you called our service?"

The twinkle in her eye when she winked at me said it all: this was a love hotel. Even if I somehow partied so hard in two hours that I trashed the room, no way would I need to call a separate maid when the hotel staff would take care of that.

"L-lonely," I grumbled, trying to seem standoffish.

"Awwww, that's okay. I offer a lot of premium services, but… if you just wanna talk, we can talk. Becky doesn't mind at all." She finished putting them away, then straightened and folded her hands in front of her lap, waiting patiently for my response. Obediently.

"Um…" Glancing back down at the card, I looked up and asked, "K-keep stockings?"

Only when her eyebrows went up did I realise what that meant. But she was already recovering from her brief surprise and saying, "Master, you really want to keep my stockings? I'm so honoured!"

"W-wait, no, I…" Clearing my throat, desperately trying to deepen my voice again, I tried to play it off. "Maybe later. First… what is 'dancing alone'?"

"Ohhh. Oh, I see - you're just trying to decide what you like on the menu. Do you want a little sample?"

At first, I thought she meant a sample of the stockings. Was she going to cut off a piece?! But then she started doing a little sexy dance - nothing extremely lewd, but it definitely made my pulse speed up slightly. Was this really happening? My teacher was dancing for me - like a stripper without the stripping part! But it was over after only about ten seconds, and then she was giggling and covering her mouth.

"Dancing alone… got it. Very nice." As she bowed, an idea suddenly occurred to me. "Tell me about Becky." Maybe if I asked, she would reveal a little bit about herself. Or I would get some made-up story about this character she had invented. Either way, at least she wouldn't be sitting in my lap or any of those things.

"Sure! May I sit here?" When I nodded, she sank down onto the bed next to me, hands folded neatly on her lap. "Do you like Japanese maids, or Western maids?"

"Japanese?"

"Alrighty. So, Becky used to be a little girl whose father liked Western movies. That's how she got such a funny name! And she always dreamed of serving others, making them feel good. She didn't always know how she wanted to do that, but…" She leaned a little closer, and my heart pounded louder in my chest. "Then she one day realised that if she took this job, she would meet Master someday."

"Huh?" Her face was even closer, and my fingers gripped the bedsheet tightly as I fought the instinct to back up. "Me?"

Her nod was completely sure. "My master was going to be the best master. And he would take care of me like I take care of him. That's all Becky ever wanted out of life." Similarly, her smile was warm, and kind. "And I will do whatever I can to make him happy. Okay?"

"Okay. I m-mean… yeah."

"Good!" she sat back with a wider smile, and I let out a sigh of relief. Definitely a made-up story, just to make the client feel gratified in some way. How different listening to that had been from listening to one of her lectures in class; it was like she really was a completely different person.

"Becky," I began as I thought about the list. What was something I could order? I already booked her for two hours, so now I had to find something to do that would fill that time. "What is, um… Health Kiss?"

This shift was obvious, and I could almost reach out and touch the change in atmosphere. Miss Kawakami's eyes dulled for a moment, and she looked through me rather than at me. She took a couple of little breaths. Then a much less genuine smile reappeared on her face - though it might have fooled most of her hornier, less perceptive clientele.

"It's something very special. Becky only gives that to her best Masters, if she can. Sometimes she can't. Is… is that alright with Master?"

"Yes!" I told her right away, eyes wide. "I'm sorry, I… it's okay. I just was curious." Definitely something sexual. That was as much as I really needed to find out, but now I felt awful for asking. My teacher was a Delivery Health professional, even if those services were limited to two sexual acts, apparently.

"Of course. Master can ask whatever he wants!" A little of the genuine cheer started to come back, but she was still shaken. "Well, what can we do? I like talking with Master, but it's okay if Master wants something more from Becky. Even just…" She gestured around. "You don't happen to have a broom, do you?"

"No." I thought frantically. Literally everything on the list of special services intimidated me; how was I supposed to let her sit on my lap? Or massage me?! She would feel my curves underneath the random boy clothes! My finger tapped the stockings. "Are you hot in those?"

Kawakami shrugged a tiny bit. "A little, but I want to look nice for Master. Unless… Master wouldn't mind seeing me without them…?"

"Yes. I… wait." I glanced at the card again, then nodded to myself and fished out another bill. There went my allowance… "Here."

She took it and put it with the rest. None of the standard services besides talking were open to me in a random hotel room, and I was running out of things to say. This was the lesser of the evils; taking off her stockings and the sexy dancing were the only premium ones that didn't involve me, so I thought one of those was probably the smartest move. And at least all this would mean was seeing her legs, and I had seen plenty of girl-legs. It wasn't going to matter to me.

How wrong I was.

"Oooh, I really am hot," she giggled as she began running her hands up and down the outsides of her thighs. "Master had me work so hard to clean the room that now… Becky's so warm…" She bit her bottom lip as she slid her hands up her skirt…

This was unbelievable. Both that I was watching Miss Kawakami strip for me, and that it was affecting me. My heart rate was up, my palms tingling, my head buzzing like it was full of bees. She was a woman! She was my teacher! What on earth was wrong with me?!

Barely an inch of skin became visible beneath the hem of the skirt where it rested above her knees when she fixed me with a level stare. "Master…"

"Huh? What?!" Then I cleared my throat, made my voice more 'butch' again. "I mean… is there a problem?"

"You paid to take them off," she breathed throatily, fluttering her lashes again. "Don't you want to?"

Oh no. I thought I was just paying for her not to be wearing tights anymore. Not for the 'pleasure' of taking them off myself.

"It's alright? I mean… I'll be touching you."

"It's what my Master wants, so of course it is. But I trust you not to let those greedy hands go anywhere!" She admonished me with a wagging finger and a big grin, as if we were joking around; we both knew I wasn't going to do any such things. How laughable!

But there was a pinprick of fear in her eye. She was probably always worried she would get a client who didn't understand the way things worked.

"N-no, ma'am," I said automatically. That did get her blinking a few times, but I quickly followed up with, "This is all I want."

And I leaned down and began to push them off. At first, I tried to do it without really touching her, but I looked stupid and she chuckled a little. It was probably 'cute'. So then I pet along her legs a little before trying again, my grip firmer as I began to pull them down.

"Careful!" she warned me. "You'll tear them if you go too fast. Besides… this is all for you. Take your time! I want Master to have as much fun as he wants with my stockings."

Would this nightmare never end?! Not only did I have to do this now that I paid for it, or else she would figure out something was up, but I had to take my time and 'enjoy myself' - even though what I really wanted was to run screaming from Hotel Juliet as fast as my legs could carry me. Trying to take the safe option, I had gone from watching my teacher strip to stripping my teacher in a matter of seconds. Whoops.

Kawakami did have great legs; clean-shaven and smooth, like she spent a lot of time moisturising. It was easier than I expected to whisper, "Very nice."

"Thank you, Master." She scooted back a little further on the bed as I sat back to get the opaque white fabric moving down along her calves. They were heavily-perfumed, probably just for this reason. And the perfume was nice… but I could catch the vaguest hint of something else underneath the floral scent. Probably her natural scent.

Not that I wanted to think about it. Not that I wanted to do this at all.

"Silly Master," she giggled as I teased the fabric back and forth around her ankles, milking the moment. Now it was more because I didn't know what I was going to do once it was over. Rub my face on them? Pet her legs? Just put them on the bed and lock myself in the bathroom? The last one sounded fantastic at this point.

"Am I?"

"Yes." She booped my nose with her big toe and I couldn't help smiling. Why was that so cute? Why was any of this cute?! "Becky's happy you're having fun with her!"

Though I didn't forget to pitch my voice low, I ended up telling her very honestly, "I guess I am. Wow." Then I refocused and slid the stockings the rest of the way off.

"Oh myyyyy. I guess Master has to see Becky's feet now." Somehow, the tone of her voice made it very clear that she was fishing… because she was. Did she think I had a thing? Her little toes began to 'walk' up the front of my button-up and blazer, heading for my neck, but at a snail's pace. I could stop her very easily. She just wanted to find out what I was curious about and if she could cater to those needs in small ways.

"Guess so." I caught them and held on to keep them from moving higher. "I don't mind at all."

Again, she blinked in surprise, her mood shifting. But she seemed a lot more flattered than fearful this time. "You know… if Master decided he wants a Health Massage after all, Becky could use these…" Her toes flexed in my hands. "If you're patient with me. Becky hasn't tried that before."

"I'll keep that in mind," I hedged, trying not to mentally picture whatever that would be. The idea of sitting here, helping my teacher take off her clothes while she called me 'Master' was already enough to short-circuit my brain; I didn't need additional elements.

But then I was distracted for a second. Kawakami was calculating. I knew that look from you, Sis; when you have a case weighing heavy on your mind, it always happens before you either come up with a new angle for a lead, or work through a puzzle that had been giving you a hard time. Then…

Then she knelt down on the floor, suddenly filling my vision. Glancing down, I could see her cleavage — and forced myself to look back into her chocolatey eyes instead.

"M-miss… Becky…"

"Becky will stop if you want," she whispered very quietly. "But if you can pay the fee… Becky thinks she would like to help her master be more healthy. Take care of… whatever he needs." Her hand fell to pet up and down my side…

That was how the game changed. Suddenly it wasn't just about her body being real, and sensual, in a way no one else's had ever been in my eyes - despite my efforts to prevent that. Now she had awakened mine. And even knowing that it was a specific, intentional, targeted attempt to make me give in and pay her that ¥5000… well, I had never been in a position like this before.

"I don't know," I managed to get out, trying to back up but failing to do it well enough - or quickly enough - to convince her. "I might not… be ready."

"I think you're ready," she whispered as her hand slid up the inside of my thigh. "But don't worry. Becky will do whatever it takes to make you… feel…"

Her hand went higher than I expected that soon after she started. And this, more than anything else, sent pure shock into her wide eyes.

"…healthy?"

                                              To Be Continued…

#Queen Of Temperance #forkanna writes #niijima makoto #kawakami sadayo #persona 5 fanfiction #persona 5 #p5 #p5 fanfic #jess the writer

[mbtizone]

Michael Kelso (That '70s Show): ESFP

Dominant Extroverted Sensing [Se]: The present is Kelso’s main focus. He doesn’t concern himself with planning for the future or contemplating the past. He doesn’t really care to look beyond what’s happening right now. He just does things and doesn’t allow the possible consequences of his actions to stop him. Because of this, he often makes impulsive decisions in the moment that tend to get him (and his friends) into trouble down the road. Kelso appreciates physical beauty (especially his own) and plans to coast through life on his good looks. Kelso is always down for anything and loves to engage with his environment. He’s a hedonist and enjoys taking advantage of all of the sensory pleasures that life has to offer.

Auxiliary Introverted Feeling [Fi]: Kelso doesn’t really deal with his emotions. He tends to avoid his problems by running away from them. When Jackie wants to get married, he bails on her without a word and drives to California with Donna. When he first finds out that Brooke is pregnant with his baby, he is initially relieved when she lets him off the hook. However, after taking some time to ponder his feelings on the situation (and hearing a lecture from his friends), he decides that he does want to be a part of his child’s life. When something happens in Kelso’s life, he often needs time to think on his own to figure out how he feels about it. Though he does listen to his friend’s opinions, what matters most are his own feelings about a situation. At the end of the day, Kelso does what he feels is right for him, without giving much consideration to how his actions will impact the people around him. Sometimes, Kelso can be completely unaware of the emotions of the people around him and not understand why someone is upset with him.

Tertiary Extroverted Thinking [Te]: When Kelso has to explain himself, he usually does so in a direct manner. He doesn’t get caught up analyzing things or speculating. Kelso tends to say things in a straightforward, blunt way that can hurt people’s feelings or get him into trouble. He doesn’t sugarcoat anything and typically just blurts out whatever comes to mind. His process is external and he has a habit of thinking aloud. He can often be insensitive to the feelings of the people around him. Sometimes, Kelso can loop. He sees an opportunity in his environment (Se) and pursues it (Te) without bothering to think about how he really feels about it. When Kelso is having performance issues wit Pam Macy, he stubbornly keeps trying to have sex with her. Kelso loves hooking up with girls, so what’s wrong with him? He doesn’t even stop to consider that maybe subconsciously he just doesn’t really want to sleep with her. Though he jokes around and pulls pranks on his friends a lot, he can become very defensive and lash out at people who are rude to them, such as when Nina’s parents disapproved of Fez because he was foreign.

Inferior Introverted Intuition [Ni]: Although he doesn’t worry much about the future, Kelso seems to believe that things will just work themselves out in his favor (without him actually having to do anything). It’s hard for Kelso to establish goals and make decisions in his life. When he’s younger, he knows that he wants to be a model, but eventually, is forced to consider what will happen once he’s old and loses his looks, which leads him down the path of law enforcement, which he chooses for another vain reason (after he meets a female cop who is attractive in uniform, but very plain when off-duty). When he loses his job as a police officer, he reflects on what else he has going for him in his life, and decides to propose to Jackie, but has second thoughts after receiving a job offer in Chicago, which he accepts, and moves away to be near his daughter.

Note: The obvious choice for Kelso is ExFP. I don’t recall ever seeing him typed as anything else. I totally understand the Ne-dom argument, but I don’t see a case for inferior Si. He doesn’t learn from his mistakes and he doesn’t get hung up on the past, Kelso is clumsy and is sometimes shown to be unaware of his physical environment, which can prevent people from typing him as a Se-dom, but I think he’s too focused on momentary pleasures and doing things to be anything else. He’s always in the moment and doesn’t think typically think about the consequences of his actions until it’s already too late. A lot of Kelso’s obliviousness and scattered thinking is probably a direct result of him being a burnout (we saw that he was much more intellectual as a child and he tests well), which can make him appear Ne when he isn’t.

Enneagram: Type 7

Quotes:

[Jackie, Donna and Hyde chide Kelso for not taking responsibility on Brooke’s baby] Hyde: Kelso, you know what you should do, but your not gonna do it because you’re too much of a tool. Kelso: You know what? It’s real easy to talk about the right thing to do when it’s not your life.

Kelso: Alright. At first, when you told me that I was off the hook, I was, like, totally psyched, right? But then I started to think about it, and… I don’t want to be off the hook. I wanna be a part of this kid’s life. Brooke: Michael, I didn’t let you off the hook to be nice. I just don’t think you understand what it means to have a baby. [Brooke stands, collects the leftovers of her meal and walks away. Kelso follows her] Kelso: No, but I do. It… it means taking him to teeball games, and… and teaching him how to ride a bike, and… taking him to the doctor when he’s sick. Brooke: And what if it’s a girl? Kelso: Oh, it’s not gonna be a girl. We did it standing up. [Donna facepalms] Brooke: [nods] Uh-huh.

Kelso: [Kelso begins to regret cheating on Jackie] Y’know, I guess it was wrong, what I did with Laurie. But I was just amusing myself, y’know. And that’s the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself.

Hyde: Okay. All right. Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch, and I fell into your yard, and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass? Kelso: [laughing] Yeah, you bled and you cried. Hyde: I bled. I didn’t cry. Kelso: Yeah, you did. You bled and you cried. Hyde: And you laughed, man. A lot. While I was bleeding… You see my point? Kelso: Yeah. It’s funny when friends get hurt. Hyde: Close enough.

Kelso: If this is about maturity, then I want nothing to do with it.

Red: I swear to God Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein Eric: Thank you Daddy Kelso: [to Eric] Thank you? Einstein was ugly.

Annette: So, all you care about is sex. I thought that there was more to you than that. Kelso: But there isn’t.

Kelso: Look, this girl is beautiful, and she believes in me. And if I can get her to put out, she will be 3 out of 3. But right now she’s only 2 out of 3, and I’m sorry but 50% just ain’t gonna cut it!

[about Annette] Kelso: I love her. Eric: No you don’t. Kelso: Well I love parts of her.

Kelso: You know Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are gonna judge you on the color of your skin or your funny accent or that girly little way you run. But you know what? You’re not alone. Why do you think the Martians won’t land here? ‘Cause they’re green and they know people are gonna make fun of ’em.

Kelso: Hey! He might not be from this country, but he’s beautiful, damn it!

Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years? Kelso: Rock star. No, movie star. No, yeah rock star.

Kelso: [getting up] Who chooses a chick over a friend? Eric: What, come on, Kelso remember when you made me walk home in a blizzard because you wanted 10 extra minutes with Pam Macy? Kelso: I didn’t steal Pam Macy from you and you could’ve played in the snow until we were done Donna: Jackie wanted to get married and you bailed; now she doesn’t want to marry you, that solves your problem albeit with a disturbing twist ending.

Hyde: We need to settle this. Kelso: I don’t want to settle this, I don’t want to talk about it, all I want to do is pound you until you feel as bad as I do!

Kelso: I’m just saying… how can I tell you this without hurting your feelings?… Oh, I know! Jackie, I don’t want your stupid things in my cool van. [Jackie gasps and storms out] Wait! I didn’t say you were stupid, just everything you like!

Fez: I like Midge. Hyde: Yeah, we all like Midge. Kelso: Yeah, Midge has nice jugs. Bob: What? Kelso: What? Bob: No, you said something. Kelso: No, I didn’t. So what’s up with your hair?

Kelso: It turns out the key to winning Jackie back was in the last place I thought to look: My own brain.

Donna: It’s kinda cold. Eric: Here! Take my jacket. Donna: I love you. Eric: God, we are such the… perfect couple. Jackie: [looking at Kelso] I’m cold, too. Kelso: Well, damn, Jackie, I can’t control the weather!

Fez: Yeah, Kelso and I have to find an apartment tonight, or Red is going to kill me in my sleep. Kelso: Yeah, and I can’t let Fez go alone. Jackie: Why not? Kelso: ‘Cause then I’ll have to go to your party, which I don’t want to do.

Kelso: Alright, look. Jackie, here’s the deal, you cheated on me. Jackie: You used to cheat on me all the time. Kelso: Yeah? Well, yeah. But you cheated out of hate, and I cheated out of joy.

Kelso: Man, I wish Jackie would loosen up. She’s throwing a great party down here and she’s missing it. Fez: Kelso, you don’t get it, huh? This party meant the world to Jackie, and you crapped on it. Hyde: Alright, ease up on Kelso, huh? Kelso: Thanks, Hyde. Hyde: Yeah, so you did something horrible, but it’s Jackie, so who cares? Kelso: No wait, what are you saying? Fez: I’m saying you burned her man, royally. Nice job. Kelso: But no, man, I didn’t want to burn her. I invited all these people to her party so it would be fun, to make it good. Fez: She didn’t want a good party, she wanted her party. Kelso: You know what? You’re right Fez. Alright, this party’s over. Everybody out! Eric: No, Kelso, what are you saying man? Think! Kelso: You know what guys? For the first time in my life, I think I am thinking.

Kelso: College is for ugly girls who can’t get modeling contracts. Donna: No, college is for women who don’t want to marry the first idiot they meet and squeeze out his bastard moron children.

Jackie: I can’t believe you, Michael. Kelso: What? Jackie: You can’t just maul me in front of my father! Kelso: I bet he didn’t even notice. Jackie: He yelled at you to stop it. Kelso: I thought he was yelling at you.

Kelso: [Runs up to the guys] All right! Canada! Whoo-hoo! Beer! [blows his horn] Eric: Kelso, you’re not going. Kelso: What? Why not? Hyde: Because this is a risky mission and you tend to screw these things up. Kelso: That is a damnable lie! Eric: Okay. Kelso, remember that time we were gonna put a flaming bag of dog poop in front of Principal Pridwell’s door, and you lit it in the car on the way over? Kelso: Yeah, I wanted to see it all flamey. Eric: And then you panicked and stepped on it. Kelso: Eric, it was on fire!

[Jackie is at the dance with Hyde] Kelso: How can she be with him when she’s so clearly not over me? Annette: I think the question is, how can you be with me when you’re so clearly not over her? Kelso: Wait, is this a riddle? Start over.

Michael Kelso (That ’70s Show): ESFP was originally published on MBTI Zone

#Michael Kelso #That '70s Show #ESFP #Type 7 #enneagram 7 #mbti #mbti types #mbti personality types #fictionmbti #fictionalcharactermbti #tv mbti

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 300718

me and my mom fighting and it brings up memories from like 1-2 years ago when we were fighting all the fucking time, partly bc she was depressed and idk i just found it annoying or smth. idk why. its so mean of me to be so cold and just constantly scream at her and be angry at her even though shes sick and struggling financially but now when i hear her crying again i just cant........ stand it. i get so fucking angry its brings be back to 7th grade again and it totally pisses me off. i feel like seems playing the victim but i know she doesnt line i know its hard for her and she's been through stuff too but i just........... i dont feel anything. i dont feel any compssion or empathy at all i just feel ANNOY.

idk why i am like that. my older adoptive brother used to live with me, mom and lil sis bc he was depressed too and didnt have anywhere to live and i was so pissed. i went to this rich white school and i hated having divorced parents, a mom who was depressed and i couldnt afford all the other things the other kids could. now i realize what they got was fucking insane like they travelled abroad 2727 times a year and only wore designer brands at age 13 like who the fuck can afford that. but back then it made me feel like shit and my relationship to money is just....... even now i cant buy expensive shit. or yes i can, like computer snd stuff but i cant buy expensive clothes or make up cus i feel like such a brag and i still kinda feel like that cus dont like money but i also want money imd sving like s crazy person i have quite much money and i feel quiltat cus i have a lot but i still feel poor and i still cant get myself to spend. and my childhood was ever rough, my parents always made sure to give us what we needed (even if it wasnt like ine if those ugly juicu picture outfits for 100$ each) but i still hated the fact that my dad has to pay for mom and we had to live with him more just bc mom was depressed or not financially stable. i hated to hear them talk abt money and as the older sister i always felt responsible

it was hell back then and im soooo glad we're through that but ive always been the bitch dramatic annoying difficult kid that no one liked. and i was that bc....... idk i have so much anger and sade as within me i guess and also cus well.... then my lil sis wont have to do all this fighting. she was mostly quiet and if she was sad she was sad on her own (or maybe talked to mom a bit sfter). i think she was svared of me back then and i dont blame me i was very very aggressive and im still very aggressive when fighting

im just so frustrated. idk why im such s mean bigch i just cant stand it. maybe i feel guilty?? maybe im svared? idk but when i hear my mom cry i just want to go up to her and slap her. i remember when they divirced and i was like 11. it was like lodig a family again tbh, no it WAS losing a family again. i was always proud over our family but after that it was hell. and i constantly blamed mom and dad for adoöting us, then divorcing snd then getting fucking depressed and low key poor. i was so angry abt mom divorcing dad and i didnt even care why. its so insenditive bc i remember she called dad an enotional abuser and i can low key undersyand what she means but its more like my dad just not being able to express his feelings and he delas with it like pretending nothings wrong which is frustrating ss hell. were fighting a lot too cus he refuses to see things and hes always this positive hoe like..... anyways i blamed her and i saw her as my enemy. thats a problem i have i alwyas see people as friends or enemies and nothing in between. i always think ppl want to hurt me, even my own boyfriend. wow ive been so mean to him too. a mistake and i avt like hes the worst fkn scum on earth just trying to stab me. i blamed mom for everything and the worst thing is that when she says "shes okay with it", me blaming her snd she undersyand its i just grt even more angriper and frustrated and i just cant stand that goody goody. same with my boyfriend when i was treating him like trash and he forgave me i was like........ bitch no

i dont know why it id like that. its like in pushing people away. i obviously do, i realized. i always thought i was the one clinging onto ppl and them ababdoning me but im actually pushing them away bu being a dramatic bigch snd always starting drama when im not satisifed. i started drama with my friends cus i felt like they didnt like me which was actually justified tho cus they beger invited me to anything  and they cut off ppl if they one day decided they didnt like them so i was constantly scared snd wanted more attention eve tho they gave me everything. and obviously that fucked shir up and they cut me off snd i went BANANAS.

why do i always go bananas. its happening iver and over again. i alwyas go bananas and im always so hateful. my attitude to everything is like: "ITS ME!!!! IM THE CICTIM!!!" i really have an inferior complex dont i?? but i also kinda have a superior complex too? where it ink im better. but i think my superior complex is like s defense mechanism to my inferior. im like a bully but more of a drama queen. i remember when my ex bff called me a drama wueen i was soooooooo offended and now i realize bc its true. i am a drama queen but not bc i think its fun fighting thats why i got offended. ppl always think k want to start fights and like to start fights and...... its kind sture but not really. its true that i always start fights and that i feel like i have to fight allt he time but its simple bc of what i justs aid; i feel like i always have to fight and win. life is a constant battle for me, everyones after me. i have to fight even though im anxious all the time im fighting.

i dont understand why im so mean all the time. like when my mom is crying or when she was depressed or when me and my boyfriend are fighting and im so mean i make him cry i dont feel anything. i once said to my dad "now i understand why mom divirced you" and i didnt even feel bad about it. i just get annoyed, especially at my mom. i just want to tell then to shut the fuck up and when i was younger i literally did. my parents got divorced, my mom got ptsd, our money.... :// and i literally just blamed her for everything. for breaking up with dad, adopting me and my sister, divorcing, getting sick, getting bad economy. i hated her and i was such a mean little bitch. we fought constantly for years and even though its better now...... its still there within me. i was fighting with her again today and heard her crying and i just..... wanted her to stop. not because i care but because it makes me feel bad or something i dont know? oh yes, that must be it by the way. its probably guilt. yes its definitely guilt. even when she forgives me and even my boyfriend forgives me for being mean i get even more annoyed and it MUST be because i feel even more guilty?? i dont undersyand though why am i alwyas so mean. its really true i feel like the world is against me. i see people as friends or enemies and nothin inbetween like my boyfriend can make a mistake and i can get so fucking angry bc i think he wants to hurt me or something which is horrible. hes literally crying, telling me that he's been there for me all this time, when i wanted to die, when i fought with my parents and lost all my friends. hes telling me; "ive only been trying to help you. ive only been kind to you. why do you think i want to hurt you. i love you. why cant you see that"

just thinking back at those words gets me teary. hes so right but at moments like those i cant see or feel it. im blinded by.... i dont know. paranoia? hatred? fear? at that moment i refuse to see the truth in his words and instead i grow even more annoyed. and then i feel guilty and i try to shut him out which im doing by blaming him. i once forced him to break up with me just to blame him for it. thats some psycho shit and no matter how much im trying to undersyand i dont undersyand my own behavior but i also know im the first one to declare WAR as soon as someone criticize me. only my boyfriend can criticize me (when im stable, uhhh when im not stable im afraid i would be very very very mean to him). i only tteust him. but im also so guilty. hes too nice for me and we all know its true. im just using him. im using him. first i used him for his love and undersyanding. and now im not even in live with him anymore. now i use him because of everything we've been through, because i trust him better than anyone and because im svared of being alone and unloved. i dont know if i live him or if thats just some sick shit an abuser would tell themselves to keep staying with their target. i'd like to think i love him but maybe i only think about myself. maybe im only living on his love anyways because i sure as hell dont live myself. can i really say i love jim? look at me. im sad and i feel bad im about to text him i love him but then is top myself.... is that only me manipulating him? manipulating myself? i want to believe i love him to make me feel ebtter? ir would make sense considering how much i use him tor reassure myself. ive beeb doubting our relationship a lot and everytime i use him as a comforter to tell me everything will be fine.

i feel like im always mean and scare people away even though i want them to stay with me. even though i want to love them. why is it like that. why do i always feel so fucked up

sometimes im afraid to show this side and sometimes im not.

in struggling between moving on from the disgusting person i was but like..... i dont wanna escape. i feel like im only ignoring her snd i dont deserve it. i feel like im still that person no matter how much i try to move one idk. maybe its time? maybe it would feel better if i apologized but i just.... cant. im too proud. they both apologized to be snd in the moment i accepted and apologized to them too but now..... i dont know. sometimes i feel like i was a complete bitch and everhthing was my fault which it was. i was having a war with myself and i dragged them into it. i was paranoid and thought they only wanted to hurt me. but st the same time i also KNOW they did things that werent very smart. i dont think they did it on purpose like i think back then but...... fuck it was stupid and im still mad about it. i just felt so abandoned and humiliated and the reason i got so depressed back then was because i realized its because of who i am. similar things have happened before but i just kept going cus i thought they were dumb af but now i really realized i got issues. snd im afraid i wont ever be able to make a real friend if i cant fix it

i feel like i have to hide it and if i hide it and cant show it im a bad person and ppl will judge me and hate me (justified)

im trying to be positive and the better im feeling, the less mean i am but like...... im still mean and abusive.

#diary #odfidk

[fashiontrendin-blog]

Nicki Minaj Versus Herself: How The Queen Became Her Own Worst Enemy

http://fashion-trendin.com/nicki-minaj-versus-herself-how-the-queen-became-her-own-worst-enemy/

Nicki Minaj Versus Herself: How The Queen Became Her Own Worst Enemy

We’re very concerned about Nicki Minaj.

Within a matter of weeks, she’s managed to start a beef with a 6-month-old, compare herself to Harriet Tubman and expose Tyga’s hairline troubles. And that’s not even the half of it. Sis is spiraling. The long, messy, rollout for her new album “Queen” is evidence of that.

For months, Minaj’s social media presence went dark. She lay low and minded her business, presumably working on her album. But when the Queen returned, it seemed as though more mess than music followed. The “Chun-Li” rapper dragged her boots through the mud and came in the house kicking up shit on her journey to prove to everybody ― including, it seemed at times, herself ― that she reigns supreme. All the while, she’s made it clear that she’s seeking vengeance against haters who “get on their fucking keyboards and make me the bad guy” (even though in “Street Fighter,” Chun-Li was a 12-year-old cop fighting for justice).  

But the shooter’s aim has been off — and folks who have nothing to do with the alleged sabotage of Nicki Minaj are getting hit in the crossfire. In one breath she touts women’s empowerment, in the other she slut-shames sex workers and helps pink-slip journalists who mildly critique her. She muddied her valid critiques of Spotify’s lack of promotion for her album when she accused Travis Scott of using Kylie Jenner and their child, Stormi, to artificially boost his sales and prevent her album from reaching the top spot in the process. She unapologetically teamed up with a rapper who pleaded guilty to sexual misconduct with a child ― not just for a song, but to open her tour.

Despite her bizarre decisions, we can’t deny that Minaj is still, by far, the best female rapper in the game. Her legacy, for better or worse, is unmatched. She has opened doors for many women rappers after her. She’s shown the world that you can absolutely be a woman and make bank in hip-hop. You can be better than the boys and, maybe most importantly, you can write your own dope-ass rhymes.

But everyone is wondering, what the hell is she doing right now?

Zeba Blay joined Julia Craven and Taryn Finley for a special edition of “Run That Back,” in which we discuss Minaj’s rights and wrongs, the challenges black women in hip-hop face, and how her talent really does make her the Queen ― even if her recent actions say otherwise.

Above: “Itty Bitty Piggy,” from Minaj’s 2009 mixtape “Beam Me Up Scotty.”

Julia: Oh how far we’ve fallen.

Taryn: It’s really sad because on any given day I can still spit every bar on this song. Not saying that sis is less talented, but her attitude has really made me not even want to sit through “Queen.”

Zeba: So what I’m trying to figure out though is… what happened? Like what’s going on?

Julia: I’m not sure. But I do think it’s interesting that Nicki didn’t get the whole “she’s just doing it to sell albums” bullshit that Kanye got. Granted, I don’t think that’s the case with either one of them, but I thought it was fascinating how the public at large immediately wrote her off as a bozo even though she is the most influential rapper of the last decade.

I do wanna be clear though: I, too, think she’s a bozo.

Zeba: I’m not really sure what to think about her whole album rollout. But I will say that it’s very interesting watching a woman rapper at the top of her game spiral. Is that rude? Oh well. It’s VERY interesting.

Taryn: I don’t think it’s rude. I think it’s accurate. She’s spiraling in a way that we only expect from Nicki, though. Through this entire rollout (which felt long af), lots of shit she did raised my eyebrows but I wasn’t necessarily surprised that it came from her, unfortunately. She was spiraling before “Queen” dropped and I think she was genuinely disappointed when the numbers came in and she wasn’t at the top like she thought she would be. Then shit just got even uglier (and it was already ugly af).

Julia: My initial response is to say she’s a lunatic, but we too often write women off as “crazy.” I think she’s just a clown and has always been a damn clown, and when her clown-ass album didn’t sell like her clown ass thought it would, the clown popped up out the clown car. Her antics are showing us who she really is. She’s clearly not a feminist, based on her comments about sex workers and the fact that she got Wanna Thompson fired for a valid critique of her music.

Yet, she’s going on this whole run about being blackballed because she’s a black woman ― but look at what you say about other black women.

She has a very rigid “There can only be one” mentality, and while I understand the desire to blame the industry for that ― and they carry a good chunk of the blame ― Nicki is 35 years old and old enough to know better.

Zeba: I definitely feel like a large part of all this drama, and part of why I can’t totally dismiss Nicki, is the fact that she’s genuinely trying to navigate how to age as a woman in hip-hop. When you’ve been the “only one” for so long, specifically the only “sexy” one, and suddenly there’s a whole new crop of girls who are younger than you, sexier than you, and also have bars, it can probably feel like the world is coming to an end. What’s frustrating though is that she’s behaving like she feels threatened, and she shouldn’t.

She IS the queen, but she’s not acting like it.

Julia: She shol’ ain’t.

Taryn: She ain’t acting like it cause she’s acting like a clown. I get it, you’re a sex symbol in this male-dominated industry that relies heavily on objectifying women and acting as a boys club. Women in rap have to go the extra mile to protect themselves, and a lot of times that looks like making most of your decisions based off self-interest. But this ain’t it.

At some point, she got what’s good for her own self confused with the greater good. I partially blame the fucked-up label she’s signed to for that, cause they all are trash ass people over there at Young Money. But you can’t use the tools of toxic masculinity when they work for you and remain quiet about it until shit doesn’t go your way and then play the feminist card. Especially when you’re both actively and passively shitting on other women in the game. It don’t work like that.

Julia: Nicki is also at a point in her career where she doesn’t have to be a sex symbol if she doesn’t want to be. She can do whatever she wants at this point.

Zeba: True. I think she genuinely enjoys being sexy and I won’t take that away from her. It’s frustrating though when in one breath she will praise taking ownership of her sexuality and in the next shame other women for doing it… Confusing, to say the least.

Julia: That part. It’s bizarre. Like is it “Oochie Wally” or “One Mic”? And she’s so resistant to evolution. It’s manifesting in an ugly way.

Zeba: I mean, she got that woman fired for stating the truth… where’s the growth? No shade, but honestly.

Taryn: What growth? At this point, I think Nicki is OK with being stagnant. She’s more worried about the numbers than evolving.

Julia: “Queen” sounded like a shit version of “Roman Reloaded.”

Taryn: “Queen” should’ve been called “Stunt Queen” cause the lengths she’s going to promote it are embarrassing at this point. I still haven’t listened and I don’t really feel compelled to.

Julia: I’m now a former fan. But before the drop when I was an older casual fan, I wanted something like “Lemonade” from her, something grown. I’m 26, beloved. I wanna hear about why I should love myself in spite of everything that tells me I shouldn’t.

“Queen” could have been a good album if she focused more on growing as an artist and less on making it clear to younger girls that she’s the queen, which is something they already knew and treated as fact. No one popped up treating her, say, the way she treated Lil’ Kim.

Taryn: Whew. Ain’t that the truth!

Zeba: Here’s my thing: It would be nice to get a “Lemonade”-like moment from Nicki, but I also feel she’s not obligated to give us that if she’s not in that space or if, frankly, she just doesn’t want to. She’s within her right to make whatever she wants to make. The thing is, though, that she has to accept that we’re in an era where there is potential for more women in rap who are willing to do something different, or the same, or whatever.

I guess what I’m saying is that she needs to accept that it’s OK for her to not be “the only one,” she needs to accept that people might appreciate other female rappers more than her, and that’s OK. Like, you don’t see Beyonce subtweeting Rihanna or Normani or any of the other girls in her wake. Like, she’s gucci. She understands that what she has to offer is special enough that she doesn’t have to compare herself to other, younger stars.

Honestly, I feel like Nicki’s behavior is so disappointing because it’s the kind of shit that we as black women have to navigate in our own careers and lives. And it’s just not fun seeing someone give in to the pettiness. But I see that she’s human.

Julia: You being very nice. She also shouldn’t expect us to treat “Queen” like it is something on “Lemonade’s” level, which is what she’s doing. It’s odd that she doesn’t see how her, Cardi, Rico, BbyMutha, etc. can exist in the same space and serve vastly different purposes.

Like I can’t rage to Cardi but Rico?! I JUST WENT TO BENIHANA AND I’M SMOKING SHEETS AND FUNNEL. YOU A WANNABE, WHO WANNA BE, I’M ONLY BOUT THE COMMAS!

Different purposes. All dope.

Taryn: I agree with that, though, Zeba. Nicki doesn’t owe us shit, but she has to recognize the consequences of that at a time like this. I really enjoyed “Barbie Dreams” because she’ll sit there and namedrop rappers she either has or would like to fuck. Men do that all the time, so I’m here for any women who can flip that on its head. HOWEVER, I can’t sit there and listen to you talk say “how my pussy taste” for an entire album. Range is so important, and though Nicki is the best for now, her range is limited. Which means my patience for her bullshit is, too.

Zeba: It’s really eerie, by the way, how people sleep on Young M.A.

Taryn: People sleep on Young M.A because they can’t get past their internalized homophobia, but that’s a whole ’nother convo. Young M.A has bars and it’s a damn shame that people focus more on how she identifies than her music.

Julia: Boop. I also think she’s flailing under the consequences of her opening the door for other women rappers. These young lads exist in such concentration because Nicki opened doors for them to exist. But it’s like she wants to reign over them all instead of realizing that they’re her competition.

She’s basically Erik Killmonger.

Zeba: Except Killmonger was right.

Julia: bhdjabcedfghdgfhehf

Taryn: BRUH. LMAO. I really just want Nicki to sit there and eat her rice and leave us alone. You didn’t get the No. 1 album, you didn’t sell out shows off of said album and Beyoncé probably didn’t respond to your last text. That’s OK, girl. Go back in the lab and try again but leave Harriet Tubman out of it.

Taryn: INFjkerhufjerngwbr

ANGELA WEISS via Getty Images

Zeba: Is this three black women shitting on Nicki Minaj or is it an “Iyanla: Fix My Life” moment? I say the latter.

Taryn: I won’t disagree with that. I also need beloved to stop supporting vile ass men. You put a whole pedophile on your album and tour. I need to know what she’s smoking so I’m never in the vicinity. Like, whatever is in this… I don’t want it. Ever.

pic.twitter.com/mIgdK1n5Cc

— QUEEN (@NICKIMINAJ) August 26, 2018

Julia: All that smoke she won’t inhaling, Lord.

Zeba: What’s everyone’s favorite Nicki verse tho lol?

Taryn: “Monster.” Hands down. All her hottest verses are on other people’s tracks. Idk why but it is what it is.

Zeba: “Monster” is a given, yeah. I really do love “Want Some More” tho.

Taryn: “Want Some More” is for the birds (i.e. me).

Taryn: “Lookin Ass” was solid, too.

Zeba: TRUE. Damn. See, I’d much rather be talking about her music than about any of this other trash. But she did it to haself.

Julia: “Lookin Ass” was very solid. My fave is “Blazin’” off “Pink Friday.”

Taryn: It’s wild because she really would be rapping circles around anybody regardless of gender if she would just stop inviting drama into her iPhone.

Julia: How could it be lil’ me had the power to be the best B in the league? Yeah, inevitably. ― UGH. Why she do this to herself?! Now I’m listening to “Blazin’” and I’m sad.

I’m on a different type of high. Heroin. Put on my cape and hit the sky. Heroine.

Taryn: It’s shit like this that makes me forget how good she is.

Julia: Not gon’ lie. It hurt me when we found out she was the corny one after her and Meek split up. Before that, we didn’t know. Thought it was him. But, alas, Meek is out here campaigning for criminal justice reform and Nicki is doing this… whatever this is.

Taryn: We live in a world where Safaree goes high while Nicki goes low. I’m still confused about what the Lord is trying to tell me about 2018. Safaree literally told sis “no one else on your level acts like this.” How is Safaree making more sense than you, girl? I really need you to take one of those Eat, Pray, Love trips. Maybe to Prague, I know how you like it out there.

Julia: Eye think God is telling us to go home and eat some mangoes and mind our business.

YOU BITCHES CAN’T EVEN SPELL… TO FREEDOM

Taryn: I ain’t mad at that. *Takes a bite*

Zeba: All jokes aside, I really do think she’s important to the culture. And I really DO want her to win. BUT I ALSO WANT CARDI TO WIN #feminism.

Julia: I want Cardi to win and I want Nicki to leave Cardi the fuck alone.

Taryn: Really, cause I want Cardi and Kulture to whoop her ass. Stormi can get a lick in, too.

Julia: And you know Kulture can fight. Idk about Lil Stormi.

Zeba: To any Barbz who may be reading this: me no curr

Julia: I don’t give a whole fuck.

Taryn: I block Barbz because I have bills to pay and I don’t have time to be arguing with a whole bunch of teenagers.

Julia: I don’t argue with my man, much less a bunch of wayward churren.

Taryn: I like peace in my home and on my MacBook. I ain’t compromising that for a whole bunch of kids who still shit yellow. And them kids ain’t mine???? Please.

Julia: Who still shit yellow.

Taryn: Babies. People who don’t have bills to pay. Barbz.

Sean Zanni via Getty Images

Julia: Also, we haven’t talked about Wanna and what she did to her.

Taryn: Fuck Nicki Minaj for getting in her feelings and DMing Wanna off of a mild critique. You claim to be for women, then you go and do shit like that. Then when she screenshots your message, you go and get her fired from Karen Civil’s outlet. You’re fucked up. That’s not some queenly shit. That’s some ugly ass shit. I think that was the point when I told myself that I was completely off her ass.

Julia: That’s part one of what did it for me. Wanna’s critique was mild and incredibly valid. For Nicki to jump bad like that in the DMs and then allow her stans to attack Wanna for days? How do you call yourself a queen or a feminist when you’ve played such a significant role in blackballing another black woman over, as you yourself have said, “having balls” to say what’s on her mind? It was grossly hypocritical and it made my skin crawl.

Then I saw the videos of Remy Ma talking about how Nicki would threaten to not walk red carpets if Remy was invited. Nicki has shown herself to be a convenient, self-serving feminist. I just can’t rock with someone who does this to other black women simply because they can’t handle criticism.

Taryn: Literally alladat. It’s a damn shame because you want to root for her, but she forces your hand then calls it “hating” when people call her out. It’s dumb.

Julia: It’s a clusterfuck of Minaj-driven bullshit.

Zeba: And I mean, other than her music or her behavior toward other women, there are some really valid criticisms. For instance, her working with Takesinfk69. Although, to be fair, I wonder how many male rappers have received similar scrutiny for working with/praising abusive rappers.

Julia: Male rappers haven’t gotten nearly as much criticism for working with abusers, sadly. It’s always troublesome and disheartening regardless of who the rapper is (Kendrick saying he’d pull his music from Spotify over them yanking down XXXTentacion’s discography made me gag because I’m such a fan).

For Nicki, specifically, her working with Checkcashingplace94 bothers me because she’s a woman who has spoken out against child abuse in the past. Yet here she is working with someone who pleaded guilty to “use of a child in a sexual performance.” It’s maddening to see someone go from being outspoken on this issue to making a child abuser her tour’s opening act.

Zeba: Is this the price one has to pay for being “relevant?”

Julia: I want to say “no,” but truthfully I have no idea. Abusers dominate the industry so idk. Still, there’s many a black woman rapper she could have picked to work with or open her tour. So why him?

She’s yet to answer why she chose takemeouttotheballgame86 over, say, City Girls or Megan Thee Stallion or Maliibu Miitch or Cuban Doll. All of whom slap harder than iusetoomuchhairdye52.

Zeba: WELP. What did you think of her recent interview with Elle, in which she talked about the perils of thottin on the gram?

Julia: I just thought it was funny how she’s shaming women for, in a way, doing the same thing she’s been doing. There’s nothing wrong with showing your body. There’s nothing wrong with choosing to do sex work. But she made it into this weird, shame-y thing when she could have simply stuck to the consequences of selling sex appeal that she’s experienced within the industry. Instead she made it about women exchanging sex for coin, even though in her own way (with sex appeal and fantasy) she’s done that. Then she circled back and made it known that she’s “snobby” and not “easy.”

It made my ass itch, as Taryn would say.

Zeba: Yeah it was especially awkward given she had just dropped that track “Rich Sex.”

Taryn: Julia, you know why Nicki doesn’t put other women rappers on her tour. We all know why. Why she ― and anyone else for that matter ― decides to go out of her way to support admitted pedophiles, that’s still beyond me.

But what’s sad to me is that folks are quicker to write her off for clapping back at every mention of her name on Twitter than for putting her name next to Tamagotchi69’s, not only on a song, but on tour. The former will cause her to fall from grace quicker than the latter. That’s sickening. And it says a lot about the majority of hip-hop fans.

I just don’t see it for sis anymore. I don’t like her. And I’m fine with that. I just want her to leave us the hell alone.

Julia: I, specifically, want her to leave HuffPost alone. Imagine being the most influential rapper of the last decade and you’re coming at news orgs for writing straight news about you. Beyoncé would never.

Taryn: She had it on her heart, I guess. And Cocksucka of the Week ain’t a bad award, imo. I’m flattered.

Julia: I like dick so I’m OK with it. It’s just that the piece wasn’t even critical. It was a straight news write-up. There was no reporter-inserted criticism of her at all. It was a very standard piece. But, again, she can’t handle any negative press, even though there wouldn’t be any negative press if she wasn’t generating it. I mean, for God’s sake, you came for a 6-month-old baby.

Taryn: A fresh baby. That’s why I’m saying y’all can keep whatever that bitch is smoking. You made innocent people defend Kylie Jenner. How dare you, Nicholas!

Julia: People legit had to defend Kylie Jenner against a black woman. That’s unforgivable.

Taryn: I’ll never let her live that down tbh.

Julia: Then to accuse Travis Scott of boosting his album sales… Girl, yo album ain’t sell because, like you, it’s all over the damn place. The Barbz can keep her trending but they aren’t streaming the album or buying tour tickets. Clearly.

Taryn: Honestly, it’s OK for her to be mad about allegedly getting shitted on by Spotify and not getting the numbers she expected. It’s legitimately OK to be in your feelings over not winning. We all have been there. But at the end of the day, you’re still out here on top, girl. Stop acting like Azealia Banks. You kicking up shit on people who don’t deserve it and that’s not gonna change a damn thing. Besides, numbers and awards ain’t everything, nor are they an accurate reflection of cultural impact. If that really was the case, “Lemonade” would’ve won album of the year.

Julia: That. Part. Her comments about Spotify not blasting her album were 100 percent correct and valid. When “Scorpion” dropped, you saw Drake everywhere. It was insane. He was on every playlist, the album was splashed, etc. And Nicki should have gotten that same treatment, considering that she’s a higher-caliber rapper than he is.

But, alas, her validity was overshadowed by her accusing Travis Scott and Kylie Jenner and their kid of boosting sales.

This conversation has been edited.

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